#well actually i might be able to explain it more
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the music is punk because it challenges the norm. the clothing is punk because it challenges the norm. the politics are punk because they challenge the norm. it's not a sound, or a look, or a book, or a slogan. it's a way of thinking that puts radical acceptance and relentless pursuit of joy, face to face with a world that wants you dead. you can't put a price on it. the disabled woman that says "fuck it people know I can't hold my blatter anyway. I don't care if they can tell I'm wearing the rehab-provided brief. Get me my bright lipstick I'm going to bingo!" is flexing the same muscles as the suburban white boy who steals eyeliner from his conservative mother. they are both people using identity, to create joy and signal comradery in lonely times, reputation be damned.
not to mention, all of the clothes I have been able to afford new when I was in my poorest moments were shit quality anyway. anything you can do to extend the lifespan of a physical object that was made under the modern fast fashion system past "thrown out, unsold at the store" is a win. in the same way that any pressure you can keep against an actively bleeding wound is a win. cloths are a common class of tools we use to help regulate our comfort, with that is with the temperature or our cave-mates. if the clothes make you feel uncomfortable they are already useless. it is already trash. why not try anything to see if it works? there are intelligent capable people across the centuries who died dreaming of what to do with once gorgeous expensive trendy fabric, that will now look dated and trashy outside of "the spring of '32 when i fell in love with jazz." or whatever the kids are into these days. the stupid walmart blazer you took a chance on 2 years ago but now feel "too X to wear" is no different. either you trash it now, or live with that trash in your home until your kids do it for you, while crying about how they always thought you looked good in that color. you might as well see if there's enough fabric to re-make that halter top you loved in college. when it looks homemade you get to boast and explain all about how you're trying to make shit better in little ways. and who cares if it fails? Aren't you deserving of a little petty violence? when the last time you really didn't give a shit about seam Ripping and just went to town? don't you want to be able to yell at something with no moral consequences? so much in this world is complicated and nuanced and requires forethought and responsibility. Wouldn't it feel nice to have a hobby that lets you get reasonably angry at evil fabric for not doing the thing, and then you can just throw it and swear, and then never have to think about it again. because it doesn't matter. it was already cheep plastic made to feed a system that would rather watch the world burn than lose a shareholder. you eat credit cards a year. you can not hurt wasted disposable plastic more than it will hurt you.
and then if it works you have a cute top to wear around places to show you are the kind of person who has cool tops! and help you ease people into the idea that a political movements starts with people deciding what things they inherited they actually want to keep around. and then maybe one day you cut apart and re-make out of nice quality fabric, with the mistakes you learned from the first one. so you can weaponize your ability to present yourself as ""respectable"" when you have to play the politics game in big official ways.
or (imagine this) you can even use your new knowledge of what types of edits you often make to clothing to buy a quality garment that will be more worth investing in. Ones that are made in ways that add value to their communities will feel good on your body from day one, and you can be mened and adapt in ways that may let it outlive you.
or maybe you elevate that shity, guilt ridden- shirt out of the gym lost and found on the last day of freshman year, because "fuck it- I liked that middle-school library fit. and Its a size too small but I'm bound to get thinner eventually. and I don't think its actually stealing if no one else wants it." Maybe if you make it into a statement piece scrap in your favorite "look I'm not happy about it either!" outfit, to show that you want to fuck with the systems in a "hey we should still have A Library tho right?" sort of way. you might run into the middle school girl who gets to break the ice with a fellow "cool garment person" friend. and she gets to laugh about your shirt deadnaming her. and you get to apologize and offer to let her sign something over it. and now you are advertising the formative art of a local queer-punk-artisan who you know is also out there trying her best to make the shitty stuff a little less shitty when they can, even if it means learning how to thread a sewing machine.... eventually.... hopefully.
also, as a person who has spent about a decade trying to figure out ways to keep kids of all ages informed and prepared and enriched on a budget. "Tug of War turned tie-dye Party" would of been a smash hit, my queer and rural in the 90's type parents would have loved it. after growing up with Halloweens filled with pieced-together costumes that made room for sensory issues and accessibility aids. and family "vacations" taken on public land with what's left of the food stamps. i think there is definitely a market for how to teach your children the fundamentals of serving in a world that might find their misery profitable. without like... terrafing them.
imagine how much easier alot of it would have been if someone early in your life had sat you down and said "ok. a lot of times things are going to be bad and unfair and evil. and there's going to be complicated reasons you cant do much about it but feel bad. but if you feel bad all the time it will only get worse. so what you can do is take what is around you, figure out what it is and how it works and why it's there, and then break it in ways that are meaningful and delibrite. and re-shape it to help the actual people who are trying survive."
then they showed you and all of your little friends how to research, what fabric is and understand why you bought supplies, and then get their hands dirty testing how strong it is, and why jeans have rivets even when you want to sew right there. and re-asure them that it's ok you paved the way to make sure they can't hurt anything too bad even if they are really really bad at it. and then let them find joy and pride in making something unique and custom with their own tools for the cost of cleaning out a closet, and some rite dye.
and then the community has a couple new little baby punks making decent folks smile with little bold fashion statements, and turning heads when they experiment with which parts of society they want to bring into the new age. tl;dr: I think we need to start telling the “I’m too poor to dress punk” crowd that they’re posers. -polyamorouspunk, November 2024, tumbr.com
I think we need to start telling the “I’m too poor to dress punk” crowd that they’re posers.
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In Defense of Caitlyn Kiramman
No, this is not a defense of any of her actions or decisions she made after she donned the beret. This is a defense of the writing of her character and what (I believe) the writers are trying to do. With only one act down, there’s many ways the writers can take this. They could very well fumble it. However, I will give the writers the benefit of the doubt. With that out of the way…
The descent into darkness and the corruption arcs are classic storytelling. Where the protagonist, hit with so many traumas and setbacks, gives into her darker feelings, sometimes aided by a more devious figure in the background.
Given all the traumas that Caitlyn has experienced as explained by @bramblebeau, something was going to happen. Without Ambessa Medarda being that devious figure, would Caitlyn have gone full authoritarian at the end of episode 3? Maybe. I still think she would have, but perhaps not as far. But to argue that this is bad storytelling because Caitlyn did not keep her idealism and morality is… horrible missing the point.
What are the points? When faced with trauma and the desire to retaliate and seek revenge, it is very easy to manipulate those who want those two things. And, in the world we actually live in, we have seen this time and again. Need I bring up the US War on Terror? Whether directly or indirectly, the cultural impact of the 9/11 Attacks, second Iraq War, and the US War on Terror has been and will continue to do so (and if you want a less subtle commentary on that, check out Naoki Urasawa’s Pluto also on Netflix).
Ambessa Medarda not only manipulating Caitlyn, but the Piltover Elite, was masterful because it showed how easy it is when you can control the flow of information, control the rhetoric, and eventually dehumanize your “enemy” as something less than human. It’ll be fascinating to hear how Caitlyn’s speech changes and what type of language she uses when talking about Zaun.
At this point, we don’t know exactly what the writers are going to do. But it does raise some intriguing and exciting questions from a storytelling perspective. Caitlyn, right now, is at the edge of (the heart) of darkness. Is her blood-lust for revenge going to cause her to fall in? Will someone be able to talk sense into her? Can anyone in Piltover talk any sense into her? How, if at all, can Vi be the one to help/save her? Or will they save each other? How can Vi be that tiny light in the darkness when she has her own trauma to deal with? (There’s another point to examine how both dealt with the trauma by the end of Act 1. Vi went inward and, based on the trailers, went full self-destructive mode. Caitllyn went outward and became the public face of a fascist regime).
Caitlyn already started taking steps to that darkness after she got the Kiramman key and decided that GASSING ZAUN (and all the implications THAT brings) was the best option for her strike team to open its mission to capture Jinx, dismantle shimmer, neutralize any agents loyal to Silco. Whatever justification given, especially by Vi, is naive at best and delusional at worst. Vi might have gone along simply because she feels some blame and wants to support Caitlyn. But what Caitlyn did was unjustifiable. The moment you simply accept “collateral damage” as simply being a Tuesday, your moral dipstick is bone dry (credits to Fox Mulder for that one). But that isn’t bad storytelling. I’m supposed to feel that way.
Caitlyn’s descent, as it stands, allows the writer to either give her something of a redemption arc where she realizes the horrors of what she has done and what has to be done to fix it.
This is classic storytelling 101.
And I am fucking here for it.
Thanks to @caitlyn-kirammans for listening to me ramble this out first.
#Arcane#Arcane: League of Legends#Netflix Original Series#Arcane Spoilers#Spoilers#Analysis#Analysis by Op#Caitlyn Kiramman#Violet#Vi#Ambessa Medarda#It has been a long time since I've tried to write anything for any fandom#Really trying to write anything at all...#So is this terrifying? You bet your ass it is.
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Thomas and the magic railroad moment, when he appears on the magic railway behind lady and he goes "you found her! and she's beautiful!!!" <- makes me so so so emotional and i can't explain it bro
#tatmr#well actually i might be able to explain it more#you see... when Thomas first sees Lady? the Really Useful Engine motif comes ba- (gunshot)#dj rambles#ttte#look lady has her own theme and it's really cool but we only hear it in full and with full instrumentation when we first see her properly#(with her face)#augh. AUGH.
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Shoutout to this draft I made a couple hours ago when I suddenly had an epiphany for how I could fix a part of my story and I was so excited that the only way I could express it is to write whatever this is but I couldn’t post it because I didn’t have internet
also it got marked as mature for some reason
#mood honestly#OHHH OHH. WA#there is pure happiness behind those words#I don’t know if I’ll keep the idea that I came up with but it’s so much better than what I had before#ties up loose ends while also keeping it vague like I wanted mmmm#and the ending isn’t super depressing now!!! sort of!!!#it is Not final so I won’t yap about it just yet but#I think I might be able to give gourdie a somewhat happy ending….that is all I wanted…..yes…..#cause like damn at first she was just miserable by the end with no happiness in sight. which didn’t really match the rest of the story#cause it’s more so lighthearted even when there’s like. death and stuff#like. bad shit happens but it’s not an emotionally charged angsty story#if people do find it sad despite the jokey tone then all the better because that means I can have my cake and eat it too#but my point is simply that Gourdie’s ending did NOT match up with anything else#she was just left completely depressed by the end#BUT I CAN FIX IT. I THINK. STILL WORKINH IT OUT IN MY MIND#TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT WOULDNT RETCON ANYTHING PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED#perhaps it makes the ending a bit less impactful but who tf thinks I’m going for impact!!!#gourdie gets to mysteriously disappear too. as a treat.#and it also plugs that plot hole…yes….good…..#I’m just rambling at this point hey guys how ya doin#pdbc#not a pikmin post#more pdbc posts are coming cause I spent like 4 hours today writing#by that I mean like. 4 hours of just trying to fix the ending. but I kinda did it soooo#point is I rarely have scripts for certain sections and I now have a script for a sliver of a section so that’s a win#this is a huge wall of text uhhhh#I’ve been yapping about pdbc an unhealthy amount lately and I’ll never stop#my friend wants to know the lore as well so I’ll have to find a way to explain it all to her#< it’ll be easier for her to understand actually cause of reasons#anyway I’ll shut up now bye bye
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in response to the other's answer in regards to what jervis would prefer on his toast, jack simply nodded. he'd found himself at a loss for what else to say even though that was actually quite rare for him. maybe it was the idea that barton could be outside at that very moment, listening in, that made jack suddenly feel like a fog had rolled into his mind; making it so that he could protect himself without even knowing for sure that there was a threat in the first place.
barton didn't like talking about julien - he'd pretty much stowed away every single picture but one the family had with him in it, in fact. for it still hurt him too much to look at them. therefore, especially considering his father's history of not being able to regulate his moods well, jack might have to perform 'damage control' if that were the case. but crossing the bridge if he were to get there seemed to apply quite well here. so, the farceur chose to move on and it turned out to be wisely, too.
jervis did look very tense lying there with jack visibly appearing to want to curl up into himself and never come out. after going to the nearby trunk in the room, he opened it. this was done as a means to distract the both of them from succumbing to the weight of their own differing circumstances. though there was certainly a good cover reason for jack to, ❝ oh, wow. ahh... i almost forgot that its supposed to get down into the forties tonight so you might need this. its going to be cold, after all, ❞ it was also hitting sundown at that moment as well.
jack could tell by just looking through the crack in the curtains of the one window in the room. while gnawing on his bottom lip, he pulled out the plush blanket inside of the chest only to shake it out a bit. now, as jack tossed the blanket up just enough to cover jervis's body without touching him? something matilda told him a few years ago echoed in his mind during a conversation they had late at night: 'you know, i know you'd like nothing more than to get rid of all your feelings sometimes - but i hope you never change.'
jack just remembered looking up at the tent he was in that day of camping afterward, as he decided he should probably get to sleep. but it felt validating in a way he couldn't explain as well even now. because jack's first instinct upon seeing jervis was that he was struggling, so he should help him; though one could definitely say that sense of responsibility had made him suffer in the past. thank goodness sucking in a deep breath through his nostrils and exhaling could allow jack to quiet his mind then.
he tilted his head at the other's words and squinting his eyes, deep in thought. of course if jervis didn't believe in one, that was fine, but it appeared like he might. these sorts of concepts could trigger whole debates for a reason, however, as spirituality was something that jack affiliated himself with. but religion? he wasn't so sure, so he more than understood when jervis settled for saying his loved ones being at peace was simply something he wanted to believe in. with jack's sudden exit came the arrival of a much less benevolent figure, to say the least, and barton couldn't say he blamed jervis for seemingly somewhat disappointed that his son left.
jack was easy to get along with, and with just a little bit of time spent with him, he might just win someone over with his compassionate nature. barton knew this well along with the reality he had to learn other people's behaviors throughout the years to appear at least 'semi-normal.' how that was going for the doctor would often depend on who you asked, though. barton could only snort derisively at that, ❝ funny. just remember, you'd be in arkham right now if it weren't for me and my daughter. ❞ he pointed a sharpened nail in the direction of jervis as he proceeded into the room.
the same crack in the curtains jack had once looked through was soon closed with a quick 'swishing' motion. barton was personally raised with a very limited exposure to faith, as neither wesley nor winslow were particularly religious father figures. but barton could admire those who participate in it regardless of their level of involvement in it. though it could be used as a force of evil as much as it could be used for good, a lot of humanity existed in shades of gray.
so even if they were under the threat of suffering through something like eternal damnation after death... in barton's mind, it was only a matter of time before someone used a widespread thing like faith to their own advantage. and maybe this was bad of him but thinking about wesley being in such a place somewhat brought him a sense of twisted satisfaction; because at least barton would be getting a form of justice for every fearful moment wesley put him through that way. barton only blinked as his eyes trailed from jervis's face to the teacup that jack had presumably brought him.
shockingly enough, all he felt when he discovered that marty's father was a powerful figure was an incredible amount of disbelief for a moment before it fizzled away. barton was used to things getting worse even if he couldn't have seen this coming. plus, he'd gotten frighteningly good at treating human lives like this police captain's more as obstacles than actual beings. it remained to be seen which one jervis was to barton. he squinted his eyes before standing up and ultimately finding out that, yeah, he had done that too quickly.
barton felt like he was green around the gills all over again, ❝ that is one way to put it, jervis. but don't worry. you just reminded me that, although we're going to have to get creative, there are ways of getting away with it. i'd say pinning his murder on someone else might be the best. ❞ he uttered after swallowing thickly, making a 'turn around' gesture with his finger towards the other. barton talking about murder as if it was light dinner conversation said everything that needed to be said about how he felt about their current predicament.
maybe it was because he was still feeling a lot of malaise, but no part of it bothered him in particular. the doctor was more worried about jervis becoming queasy because he accidentally saw the scars where he'd stitched on yves's arm to his own body, ❝ uhh, just in case you didn't get that, turn around. i'm going to change my shirt. ❞ once that was done, barton slipped his current bloodied one over his head only to replace it with the other. he slumped down in the chair to the table opposite of jervis and looked over the tarot cards laid out before him.
barton, too, knew how to interpret them. ❝ what were you two planning on doing with these? a 'past, present, and future' reading? because i can do it while my son's gone for you. ❞
Jervis gave the barest of shrugs as he glanced at Jack through his bangs, the quiet rhythm of their breathing, the slow drip of the IV, and the faint shifting of the cards against the tabletop the only sounds piercing the air. "Either one sounds perfectly agreeable. I defer to your good judgment." A ghost of a smile, pale and wan, tugged at his mouth for an infinitesimal moment.
Call it the lingering pangs of paternal instinct or projection, whatever you felt was most appropriate, but some flicker of warmth—worry mingling with concern—stirred within Jervis' breast; softening the veneer of exhaustion and discomfort that clothed him like a second skin. Like an invisible cancer that had latched onto him, draining his vitality—a slow-acting poison decades in the making; only this time, the source was external, a reflection of Jack's own unease radiating across the space between them.
Jervis drew in a shallow breath, feeling the tightness in his chest not as his own, but as if their nerves had blurred and grown entangled. He tried to focus, willing his own breath to steady, his hands to unclench. A low chuckle escaped Jervis' chapped lips at Jack's query. The medications in his IV coursed through him, cold and prickling, sending a frisson over his skin as goosebumps rose in response. And yet, somehow, it eased the deep ache within him, dulling the edges of both pain and nausea. He could feel the weight of his discomfort receding, just slightly, as though the medicine were smoothing his raw nerves; coaxing him toward a delicate, unfamiliar calm.
Not quite like ketamine.... not like the cozy, blithesome feeling that coursed through his veins with each dose. Even when most of his prior consumption of the drug hadn't been consensual—thick enough to cut his teeth on, it ensured small pockets of blissful ignorance hardening into a dissociative shell, like callus. (God bless those poor, ministering angels at Arkham... only a trace of spite and animosity there, rage bleeding with sorrow at how his autonomy and consent was completely ignored, snatched... one wrong move, and he was left cowering in a crumpled heap, or otherwise dead to the world... but now? Would the scales be tipped, if they managed to drag him back there? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know that answer.) If Odysseus and his crew had been desperate to escape the Lotus Eaters only to stumble unwittingly into the clutches of Polyphemus, Jervis felt quite the opposite.
For better or worse, the ketamine had left him numb to everything.
The pain, the grief, the anguish that tore gouges in his heart and mind; lacerated his psyche to shreds, in conjunction with the ECT. Somehow, he compartmentalized it... gravitated to the cannabis as an alternative upon his discharge, once he'd regained his center of gravity and emerged from his self-immurement; the fractures left by his losses and lessons grinding him to the bone. Everything it cost him and what he'd earned in exchange. Simon. Arabella. His time in Ireland. Sylvie. The flood. Alice.
The lengths he had gone...
And so Jervis chuckled; the sound dry and hollow, barely touching his eyes. He met Jack’s gaze, his expression tightening as he mulled over the question, tasting the irony in it.
“An afterlife…” he murmured, his eyes drifting. Thoughts and memories broke the surface like apples bobbing in a bucket: Simon and Stephen putting aside their differences over the blessing at Passover; his and Arabella's quiet, but spirited discussions of Heaven and the saints and catechism, the differences between the Old and New Testaments as they strolled along the shoreline. Stories of the witch trials in Ireland, of John Calvin and his legacy in Scotland.
All the old beliefs he’d grown up with circled back and hit like a tidal wave, tied as much to memories of family as to the concept of religious faith itself, all its beauty and diverse forms, yet it left him feeling frigid now. For a little over three decades, he'd told himself that he could appreciate the mythology of it all, even found it strangely comforting at times, but belief? That had always been a different thing entirely.
Jervis' mind tugged him back to reality. He could sense Jack’s curiosity pressing at the edge of his own awareness, a secondary presence so strong it was almost rendered a physical form. "That's.... a complicated notion, from where I'm standing.” He let out a slow, careful breath; curled his fingers back around his necklace as he dissected the question. “But... yes. I'd like to think our loved ones are at peace."
He could map it all in a dozen lines, right down to his own lived experiences, the rules he tried so hard to follow, the ideals that always seemed to warp and fray. There was karma, consequence, perhaps even the lingering shadows of what people might call a curse. But the idea of any higher being calling the shots? It gnawed at him like an old wound. And so Jervis looked back at Jack, almost apologetic, the faint sting of an old ache flickering beneath his words.
He was spared from elaborating with Barton's sudden appearance; lurking on the threshold like a wraith. Poor Jack's confidence and ease withered like a hapless petunia caught in the dead of winter. A few quiet words of dismissal and a pat to the shoulder were all that heralded the reluctant, leery departure of his one potential ally in the wolf's den.
'As phantoms frighten beasts when shadows fall.' Jervis sighed, slowly pulled himself into a sitting position, looked Barton in the eye; as well as he could, anyway, with the lingering gray spots and his missing glasses still impeding his line of sight. “Maybe we each make our own heaven—or our own hell.”
Perhaps that was petty or harsh of him to say out loud... though that was the truth of the matter. Jervis didn’t need religious belief to drive him, after all; he needed only his own peculiar code, that precarious balance between curiosity and cynicism, and the sense of duty he still felt for a daughter who had deserved something far more stable, more secure; safer than the patchwork life he had known. Whatever his flaws, his faults, some small part of him still respected the right to believe—what faith meant to others; its power to inspire, to build, to destroy. The cause and effect of human history, the double-edged promises of faith. And maybe that was the root of it: faith could be a tool, a guide, a balm.
But then the stark, often bitter truths he’d learned through survival would come rushing back. Besides, he reckoned, Barton likely wouldn't give a damn about any of his prior train of thought. In any case, on the topic of hell, Jervis never pictured the vast, cavernous expanse of fire and brimstone that Jonathan Edwards had once preached about in the summer of 1741. No. Hell always conjured up fevered images of a frozen lake in the deepest, darkest part of the center of the earth, untouched by light and warmth and life—the last of Dante Alighieri's nine circles.
'I sometimes think we must be all mad and that we shall wake to sanity in strait-waistcoats.'
He was torn from the thick mire of his thoughts, yanked back outside his mind as if caught in a sudden hurricane at Barton’s next revelation. Jervis shut his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, then reached for the cup of tea Jack had brought him. The liquid within was a warm, golden amber—like sea glass he’d once collected as a child in Bermuda, or the bits Alice would gather along Gotham’s coastline on their rare visits when she was little.
How simple those days were...
"Well." Jervis' voice was completely flat, his brow creasing with incredulity and disgust. Barton’s outline weaved and blurred before his eyes like a will-o’-the-wisp. No more, no more… no room, no room. He felt completely hollow. "Trading one problem for another, are we?" His scarred knuckles bulged as his fingers curled around the delicate porcelain; his grip hard enough to produce a faint, foreboding crack.
He would weep, if he had anymore tears left to shed over their predicament. For Marty and his partner, for the trouble Jack and Matilda had been brought into by association… but none for himself or Barton. He wasn’t certain he was worthy of it; and Barton had no qualms over their actions, he’d freely admitted it at that bistro earlier. Jervis’ hands tingled, as if they were still covered by the bloodied gloves he wore when he dispatched the driver in order to retrieve Alice’s rabbit, wielding his hatpins on pure impulse; there was no premeditation involved, but there was no discounting how surgical his actions had been in their efficacy with each targeted nerve cluster and artery. He wasn’t indulging in self-pity, oh no… nothing so shallow or solipsistic. Not like that at all. Just a pure ant mill of growing dread and horror and regret, one that couldn’t be encompassed by words alone.
His teeth sought the gouges in the corner of his mouth from where he’d previously bit himself in the throes of his nightmares, worrying at the cuts till they began to sting anew.
‘Despair has its own calms.’
#divingdownthehole#tw: religion.#tw: unhealthy family dynamics.#tw: mentions of child abuse.#tw: illness.#tw: mentions of murder.#AHH i mean it took me a bit to reply to this one as well so you're all good LOL#and ooh gosh i remember hearing about the food poisoning you'd gotten but i'm so sorry that that happened to you again ):#though aww well i sometimes wonder what i did to deserve you myself but you did so by just being you okok <33#but GAHHH you are too freaking sweet for words! ILY2 and you're so welcome!! but yesss you haven't hit a roadblock at all or anything#like that i promise you!!! your replies have been just as if not even more top-tier than they usually are in my humble opinion but PLSSS#you're about to make me cry in the club right now ;u; TYSMMM it makes me so happy that you like my portrayal of barton and my writing!#but omg... i was about to say like 'oh do i need to tone it down with everything going on in the RP? because i can if you need me to' but#its good to know that you meant that in a positive light haha though same here if i'm being honest (': like i know i could technically#make it less suspenseful right now but where's the fun in that am i right / hj LMAO i kid i kid... well halfway anyway but that is such a-#good comparison of them. like i truly couldn't have said it better myself and AHH trust me when i say after inserting some of the things#that i did in this reply i'm even more hyped than i was before for what's to come but i'm also kind of UHHH. concerned for barton-#though i know i'm the one writing him OFC i just... man's has some serious issues that he needs to address and they kind of came through#here more than a little. but i loveee how you inserted quotes from dracula and dante's inferno here?#like you big-brained that FR and ohhh okay. that's interesting as i didn't know that was a thing until now. the brain really is fascinating#in its complexity but jervis having schizophrenia cannot be easy. i know that it can be severely debilitating when left untreated but-#i'm not an expert either of course. that is just based on my own research as well but nahhh don't worry! i didn't take it that way at all#the muse doesn't equal the mun after all so its all good haha. i know that barton is being a bit SICK and TWISTED here but that ain't me
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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oughhh i got some SF ideas but i worry it veers too close into "reading diamond storm/bugs of petalroot is necessary to understand this" territory and i'm trying very hard to stick to avoiding that.
#i like building my own little universe with all these intricacies but i dont want to make reading it a chore either#i love DS/BOP a lot but i want them to be able to stand on their own as well. and the stuff that connects them all#gets explained in all of them in a way that (hopefully) doesnt feel repetitive but is self contained too#like. yeah cheri and maya show up in SF but i made BOP because i got too autistic about them. not bc it had to exist#it's not actually that important of a story and you wont hav eto read it to understand their actions in SF#and i want the differences to be more like a bonus than anything#like. maya's behavior taking on a new meaning after you learn what happens in BOP#but yeah its definitely the most disconnected story. DS/SF are important to one another but still separate#while BOP is more of a fun side project for me despite the shared characters#echoed voice#but anyways yeah with this new idea.... itd require the reader to have read both BOP and DS to fully understand whats happening#and like. besides how i might not have even finished those projects when i get there. it feels too tedious#maybeee i'll shelve this as like. a special episode or something.
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i need to post about palestine on facebook but i'm fucking terrified
#i went to a very jewish college and a very decent percentage of my fb 'friends' are jewish zionists.#i don't use fb often but when i've checked recently‚ i've found a handful of pro-israel posts‚ and they've been well-received.#i have seen one person put a palestine frame on their profile picture. they got a small‚ mostly positive but some negative‚ response.#that's all the reference i have here.#and very importantly: i feel like pretty much anything i say is going to be received as goysplaining.#i think my best bet is to stay away from historical arguments (like‚ yes palestine does actually exist‚ yes it was bad to force them off of#their land in the first place‚ etc)#and also avoid my personal feelings on this re: my relationship with judaism (which is integral to the message i want to send but w/e)#and focus on israel's very obvious current indefensible actions.#however. i feel like i'm doing the movement a disservice if i don't call for a free palestine and explain what that actually means.#but doing that would increase my risk of getting dogpiled from 'high' to 'inevitable'.#and i am not articulate!!! people might try to rebut me‚ and i am very bad at debate!!!!!!! i have multiple anxiety disorders!!!!!!#and people get fired over this kind of thing. i know the chance is small‚ but i don't know if i want to risk my career over this.#my gut is telling me to wait until i'm sure. but i don't know if or when that will happen.#i want to change *someone's* mind‚ but idk if i'll even be able to do that. maybe just my uninformed hometown gentile friends'.#i want to do this before it's 'too late'. but what does 'too late' mean here? my fb friends aren't launching the missiles.#i suppose my goal is to help turn the tide of public opinion‚ in the hopes that that'll affect the politicians/corps at play here.#but maybe i'm more likely to do that by marching. making posters. talking to acquaintances. who knows what else.#just because i don't *see* those minds change doesn't mean they're not changing. maybe those minds are actually more likely to change.#txt
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Repost of a Wang Yibo in watercolor I did in 2020 taking ispiration from my favourite photoshoot of his
#my art?#why a repost and not a reblog you might ask?#because I feel like I was too annoying in the original caption but I don't want to edit the post#anyway reposting because I took it out to hang it on my wall again and was like -wth?? how did I do this??-#like yeah it's not perfect etc#but I'm 99% sure I would NOT be able to do sth like this rn#I continue to believe I do my most elaborate pieces while possessed i would not know how to explain this#or my mahmood poster#or my wwx in the red dress#or lwj with the pearl dress (which you don't know but trust me)#every time I start working on sth I feel like the meme of patrick star with a hammer in hand and a wood plank nailed to his head#do i actually learn sth when I do art?? or do I just somehow manage to do things#and then if I find the magical motivation or a willing spirit I manage to do it again?#otherwise I just cry and struggle and quit?#don't know guys this is too much of a mistery#anyway bazaar photoshoot <333#wang yibo#my beloved#actually#for this or like mahmood I can almost understand#i guess that since it was strictly a copy of a reference it was a tad easier knowing where to place the colors for example#tho still I don't know how the rendering had such a result#update: okay I'm going through a sketchbook of that time period and I was practicing a lot with watercolors so maybe that helped#also I was truly using wyb as my muse and guinea pig#i have a piece of him in acrylics and one done with chalks this with watercolor some attempts with crayons#okay ow getting kinda sad cause I'm realizing I used to do art so so often even if it was all copying references#and I think I was also still reading at the time? uhmmmmmmmmm#jhjhkh lots of pencil and pen drawings as well somebody had just watched cql#i do have some xiao zhans but I have always had more difficulty drawing him dkw#arting
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i want to write many things. many many things. in all of them, i would like a minimum of two bi characters, and in one of them i want all characters to be bi.
neither is common in media, so i guess it means i have to make it myself, even if it's just for me.
#also bc i want original media blah blah blah#and by 'bi' i mean 'bisexuality/biromanticism in its many forms incl. ace/aro bi folks and split attraction bi folks'#bi#bisexual#i want content thank you#i think the first bi character i saw was rosa diaz in brooklyn 99 when i was 14. i first thought 'oh i might be a little bi' when i was 15.#i also saw brittany on glee. again when i was 14. and crazy ex-girlfriend i think i was 15.#and those are really the three main shows that actually said 'bisexual' or 'bi'.#if i had these more frequently or from an earlier age i might have Figured Some Things Out earlier#(also i didn't watch lok so that's why i'm not mentioning it)#and then toh and hsmtmts and heartstopper have existed as more recent properties#and clearly i haven't been including books eg. well. heartstopper. and an absolutely remarkable thing by hank green.#but still. the fact is that there is not a lot of bisexuality in mainstream media. (it's especially lacking for bi folks who aren't women)#i'm really grateful that rosa was the first bi character i saw#bc they explained 'she goes both ways. this isn't a phase or point of confusion for her.'#and the way her parents reacted is exactly how i imagine mine would#i got sidetracked#and even still. only one of those shows has multiple canonically bi characters.#and maybe if i had these from a younger age or more frequently i would've been able to notice 'that's not platonic/a rolemodel'#i'm really grateful that we have shows with younger target audiences showing bi characters but that said it's so few#and i'm still really thankful that hsmtmts depicts a girl who's multisexual who has a boyfriend but figures out 'oh this is attraction.#to a girl.'#and she processes that. and while it's not perfect (i made a post on it mid-september' gosh i felt seen.#also also while i'm here i don't want to write exclusively secular queer characters. i mean 1. that's not an experience i've lived#but 2. even if it were. apparently a lot of queer adults in the us identify as religious.#and it's selfish but. if i had a queer christian character that would've helped me a lot. like there are queer ways of approaching faith.#how does a christian character approach the realisation that they aren't straight?#it's a journey#and it would've helped me understand. before i knew anything about myself. that it was okay.#that sometimes the nuance is most clearly seen when you exist in it. when you are the grey area.
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oh yeah ive finally made an honest to god anime fan out of my dad. turns out hes like me and can slam back 12 episodes in a day 😌 whereas skerples can usually only watch like 3 or 4. anyway he started trigun 98 today and like he only had time to watch 1 ep before leaving but yay :)
edit. realized i've probably never talked about this but this is a big deal for me bc i've been trying to get him into anime for over a decade since he first saw me watching trigun 98 in the living room with my bf at the time and would get entranced and watch chunks of the episodes standing in the doorway but always maintain he just "didn't like anime" bc he didn't "like the artstyle" and go on about how the only good anime he's ever seen was afro samurai and after a lot of pressure i've finally convinced him to watch a few recently (i made him watch the twewy anime with my for my birthday last year, + got him to watch dr. stone bc he really likes engineering and stuff so i thought he'd like it), and he's watched bits and pieces of a few others recently, bc he's been getting sick at night and when me n skerples are watching stuff he'll sit and kinda watch with us. recently he decided on his own to watch demon slayer and LOVED it, and as he was finishing s1 he was like "well. i think i'm an anime fan now. i really want to find more good ones. i'm thinking about trigun next" <3
#he has a bunch of shows other people have reccomended to him naruto dbz one ounch etc#and weve talked about them and like whether he would actually like them (answer is no to all of those ones LOL)#but i am waiting fearfully for the day i have to figure out how to explain to him that like. sn k or something is bad#bc he still really wanted to buy the h*p game bc he was like 'well but shell only get a few pennies so who cares' like sighs.#anyway tho having a lot of fun trying to decide what to show him 🤔#skerples really thinks he should watch fmab and im less sure bc i legit think it might trigger his ptsd.....#he used to not be able to watch anything where a kid dies or with a lot of blood due to it like any slasher or horror stuff was right out#and while anime violence is generally fine for him (actually he really likes it) i do wonder if the context might uh#hit a little closer to home.#anyway more importantly trying to decide if i could get him into mushishi or perhaps death parade.#i think mom would like mushishi but she refuses to give anime a try even when we watch stuff w dad in the living room#she just buries her face in her phone 🙄
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Tag talk
#hey beans#going old school tag rambles here - not NSP related#just that I might a lil quiet over the next couple of weeks as I 'lost' an agreement with a friend#i agreed back in july/august last year that if i didn't manage to get 6 hours or more of sleep on 2 consecutive nights#across the next 8months then I'd go back to sleeping tablets#(just over the counter stuffs nothing dramatic dw)#i really thought i had the winning side of the agreement ngl but they reminded me this week :/#I also am still training the new person so work hours are long atm#and im almost losing my voice from explaining things#and the added gravel/depth to my voice makes it so tempting to continue fucking my voice up#i wont - but god its tempting#but if im gonna be working the hours i do and actually sleeping Imma have less time to make stuff for here :'(#especially for the first couple of weeks while i adjust to the loss of hrs in the day#Im also looking after my friends cats across the next week and doing boat construction and have a commission to make as well as my 9-6 job#okay it sounds like a lot when you list it but its not really (or at least not when you dont sleep...)#anyway i hope to be able to make some original content for here but i cant promise#sorry Beans#<3 <3 <3
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oh yeah I just realized I never talked abt my thoughts on the towa and marika relations event!
my thoughts on it are pretty much:
MARIKAAAAAAA MARIKAAAAAA XKSICISSICOGJDJ TOWAAAAAAAA UGGHVIXISICKSOXKZXN JDKSKXK KILL THAT FUCKING DIRECTOR UGHGHGHFUXICOSOCIFIVIDKS MARIKA I WANT TO HUG U SO MUCHHHHHHH TOWAAAAA TOWA UR SOSOSO KIND UGHGHGUGHFUDIVOSKAKCKSJVJD
#crow talks#d4dj#d4dj groovy mix#i cried.#i cried bc of this event.#i love this event so much bc. just. UGH.#they handled it well#and sadly the way that director spoke and acted felt so real#i FELT marika being uncomfortable. i could feel the little feelings build#and i was honestly so so glad that it didnt try to. like. emulate what it's actually like irl#if it did i might be crying the whole day#the little part talking abt rika and stuff??? i love it so much#i want to talk more but i cant word it right#marikaaaaaaaa i love u so so much..... ughghghghghgh....#towa is such a good friend i love her. i wish i had a friend like her.#i just cant word things right. i just cant.#nothing will be able to explain what i feel abt this event properly.#unless someone manages to explain and talk abt this event so so well then yeah
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i am going to try watching a show i never got 2 finish. not telling u what it is incase i actually am not able to
#ive seen a bitchy guy so ive been bewitched and i want 2 try it again#i was watching it with ykw but obviouslyyyyyyy we stopped wtchingggg bc . LOL#if yr aware of my life u may know what it is since there were just a couple shows i watched with him#well it isnt spn. ill tell u that. if i ever watch spn again itll probably be with lamp#but also idk if theyd actually have fun. but i think its very funny especially the first season the editing is sooo sillay. so yes#but anyways thats not what im watching so strike it off your list... there r like. 2 other options i think KJADNBKJWA#we watched That show 2gether (its getting another season soon and i genuinely dont know if ill like. Be Able to watch it or not. bc of.#gesture...)#but then theres the show im watchig which like even tho i watched it with him it was like. i think we started watching it when we were#already on a break LOL#so. itisnt rly a him show. so i think ill handle it better#its like allergy shots ill watch this and if i handle it ok i can try and watch That show. but also i still might not be able to#bc that one. ugh. im not getting into my stupid fucking kindating trauma thats Actually humiliating. whatever. suffice to say it was a much#bigger part of the relationship (the relationship went in phases of dumb fucking kin shit and that show was one of them)#no offense to kinnies . love u guys. i just have a very very very unstable sense of self and was pressured into acting more like characters#who were dating characters he kinned. and it like. idk ik its Sillay but it did rly mess with me like hed call me by the characters names#and stuff and Other details and idk. kinning just is not for me LOL it was honestly a big delusion for me and i will nott be returning. but#that doesnt mean im anti kinning even when it is a delusional thing like yk. Just for me it was very unhealthy and also i was pressured int#it. soo yes. sorry i got serious. shaking my fist#its so embarassing to have such tumblrcore trauma like. ok. i cant even talk abt it with therapists bc its so embarassing]#<- the kinning isnt the stuff its just like. Ok. how do i explain to a therapist in a way that isnt humiliating that i met a groomer bc i#drew fucking bmc life is strange crossover fanart on tumblr.com and then he invited me into a discord server that ruined my life.#like i cant say that. humiliating.#ANYWAYS. its show time. im just gonna start from. well ull never believe. The start#bc idr where we stopped lol...
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my parents were like yeah we'll have kids who are 1/4 hasid 1/4 misnagid and 1/2 BT surely this will lead to a normal identity
#but it's funny bc it isn't unique at all. everyone in my town is like this#well most ppl dont have BT parents but they have OTD children so give it twenty years and we'll see!#it's so fascinating it's like this tension of being able to make fun of hasidim bc were all part hasid but also u HAVE to do that in order#to assert that u arent a weirdo who's too religious or hasidic.#& then there's also the ppl who actually are chasidish (usually they grew up chasidish & then their parents divorced bc one isnt anymore)#so they have to do this like ironic reclamation of being chasidish which is at the end another form of mocking as a boundary marker#eventually everyone goes OTD and then maybe can have a genuine normal relationship to their roots or just be normal abt it#well we still joke. but in a different way for different reasons#i could go on abt this forever it's sooo fascinating i literally have to write a book abt it#op#edit: i didnt even mention what happens when u get into the even more modox circles. i cant even open that can of worms#it's also different among ashkenazi/sefardi lines and we have a lotttt of sefardim & mizrahim as well#some of whom are chasidish but most r not. but they have other things to be embarrassed of like weird immigrant parents!#which i also had! & come to think of it might explain why i was in the specific friend groups i was in#personal
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