#well I mean I definitely need to work on my internal and external self-esteem

[advluv4life]

When you haven't even touched your homework because you're too busy journaling about these stupid jealous feelings you're getting in your baby of a relationship because it's just who you are. And you really don't want to fuck the relationship so you're just journaling it to see if maybe it helps you rationalize how ridiculous it is to think that your boyfriend of less than a month is going to dump you for some girl who is indeed much prettier than you (no matter how I look at it she is much prettier than me (there's a bit more to it but that's def something I think...) and they're going to get married in like 5 weeks. Like, it's not going to happen that way again, right? That doesn't happen every time and the idea that it would happen (considering what I know about him and how I know nothing about her)...there is no way I need to be this anxious this feeling just engulfs my entire soul and I just I can't breathe. I don't want to do that. I want to be the person who doesn't do that but I don't know how to be that person. I don't know what that person does instead of feeling the way I feel.

Help.

[oinkawa-bb]

first time dads!haikyuu pt.2

request: Hi! I just read your Haikyuu as first time dads and it's so cute! Would you mind writing another one with Iwaizumi, Suna, Atsumu and Osamu? I'm looking forward to seeing more of your writing. Have a nice day! -anon

note: thank u lovely anon for being my first request!!🥺❤️ i enjoyed writing this and i hope you enjoy reading it uwu <33 i really hope i did the inarizaki characters justice b/c i’ve just recently gotten to know them!! owo here is dad!iwa, suna, atsumu, osamu 

mentions/topics: pregnancy, domesticity, timeskip, female reader insert

part one (daichi, kuroo, oikawa)

part three (tsukki, akaashi, yams, kenma)

☀︎—hajime iwaizumi

iwa and you have been trying for months

and he’s been super supportive and comforting when each test comes back negative :/

but this one day, you feel different

and he’s sitting on the ground outside the bathroom door just trying to offer positive affirmations bc he’s waiting for you to finish taking the test

but when the door opens, he sees your face and just knows

you don’t even need to say anything bc he already has a HUGE grin on his face and is pulling you in for a hug

he definitely kneels down to plant kisses on your tummy

your attempts to stop him don’t work they never do

soon to be dad iwa is super protective and cautious

definitely feels most comfortable when he can hold or touch you some way when in public

he likes to place his hand gently around your waist or he’ll grip your hand if there’s crowds

sometimes he’s a little too firm in his affection, and you have remind him to lighten up to which he becomes a lil flustered

“hajime...i can’t feel my hand,,”

but when you do go into labor, he whips out this midwife-like knowledge out of nowhere

similar to daichi, iwa became super well informed by researching a lot (but just in secret, you really had no clue)

he watched videos, read through other people’s experiences, and asked a bunch of people for their input

and now he’s super helpful to you through your contractions in the car and at the hospital

he’s calm and firm, supporting you physically to the hospital and emotionally through the labor

but when iwa’s baby finally makes their appearance

he just becomes all ushy-gushy and weak with watery eyes

his hands are pressed together and placed at his mouth in awe when he finally sees you hold his child

and then when he finally gets to hold the baby,

boy oh boy

iwaizumi actually cries a lot more than either of you expected

he’s so smitten with his newborn, and he can’t stop internally & externally praising your strength for carrying and birthing his child 

like he sees you in a totally different light, and he thought it was impossible but he’s fallen even more in love with you now

and he can’t wait to take care of his new family🥺

☀︎—suna rintarou

suna definitely didn’t see this coming,,,

but nonetheless when he processes the meaning behind the bun you placed in the oven, he doesn’t feel anything but sheer excitement

suna’s actually wanted to have children with you for awhile

but he’s never admitted it out loud uwuwuwu

he holds you firmly in his arms and caresses your hair gently for a long time, and you have to ask him if everything’s ok🥺

but it’s literally because he’s lowkey tearing up and at a loss for words

after a few moments tho, he collects himself and slowly presses light kisses all over your face

“i’m just really happy.”

at night, he refuses to sleep when he knows that you’re struggling to sleep due to discomfort

so he’ll lay awake with you and mumble mindlessly about the future he sees with you until both of you doze off

sometimes he just sees you standing at the counter or something and he can’t resist bc ur just so cute!!!!

he’ll quietly come in for a back hug,,,

and he’ll place his chin on your head and his arms around your belly and close his eyes and just stand there for as long as he wants until... 

”rin.... i need to pee”

he’ll let go then probably

but when the day finally comes, his mind is literally all over the place and he’s trying to be calm on the outside

in the car, your breathing is getting heavier and sharper, and he’s lowkey a little panicked but he won’t stop reassuring you for one second

“hey, look at me, you’re okay, it’s gonna be okay”

he’s definitely in pain himself seeing you in labor,

but he’ll be by your bedside, gently holding your hand and letting you squeeze his as hard as you need to

but it’s all worth it when he gets to see his baby with his own eyes,,

when he sees you cooing softly and holding his dear child against your chest, silent tears fall out of his eyes

suna swears he’s never seen a more beautiful sight than this

☀︎—atsumu miya

atsumu comes home from an exhausting day of work, 

and right as he walks through the door, he’s whining your name, about to ramble about practice...

but then he sees a tiny pair of volleyball shoes at the front,,,

and he’s like... o w o

even though he’s tired out of his mind, his brain works quickly, and he’s connecting the dots in his head

you’re just standing there at the end of the hallway all giggly n cute

he raises his eyebrow and then his sly smile turns into a huge one as he runs up to you,

he clutches your face in his hands and is peppering kisses all over you to the point where you have to physically pry him away

basically immediately, atsumu starts using little nicknames for the baby, but they change almost every day LOL

he also definitely downloaded the pregnancy tracking app (even though? you already have one? and it’s unnecessary for him to have it too? he doesn’t care tho)

he checks it every day before work, lets you know what size the baby is, and kisses your bump aka his angel/nugget/muffin/dumpling/etc. before leaving

“y/nnnn my lil’ angel is the size of a bell pepper today”

“atsumu... i know.. i already checked”

atsumu also boasts so much when he’s sharing the news with his teammates and family members

like osamu was somewhat looking forward to being an uncle until atsumu hit him with the daily updates of your cravings and symptoms and how the baby kicked when he placed his hand on your belly and on and on

but he also just wants to make you feel hella loved and wanted during your pregnancy

he can sense that your body image and self-esteem sometimes takes a major hit

so it’s not uncommon for him to be showering you in compliments nonstop

but honestly it’s also just because he thinks ur even hotter... if that was possible....

this is embarassing but i feel like he has you saved as “hot mama” in his phone or smth

and then the day arrives, and the whole drive there, he’s going “oh shit” in his head over and over but he’s playing this cool demeanor on the outside

actually, this carries over into the hospital too, but he just decides that he’ll do whatever he can to pamper the hell out of you & make you feel less uncomfortable

upon first sight of the baby,

there’s no other words to describe how he feels other than his heart just melting on the spot. 

it’s game over for him because he knows that he’ll literally do anything for you and this precious baby now

anything. (prepare to be spoiled rotten)

☀︎—osamu miya

osamu returns from work one day,

and you’re just at the stove cooking, so he comes up behind you, snaking a hand up the bottom of your shirt to caress your bare waist while whispering his greeting in your ear

but then you wince when he touches your stomach

and he’s like “oh?”

he’s super puzzled so he intently observes you as you bite your lip and start to blush

“i was going to tell you this over dinner but i just can’t hold it in,”

osamu kind of already knows where this is headed but he watches as you reach for your back pocket and pull out a pregnancy test neatly tucked in a ziploc bag

he’s been waiting for this moment to come his whole life (osamu a sucker for domesticity imo) so he’s literally internally screaming for joy!!!

but outwardly his smile conveys it all, and he’s chuckling as he pulls you close by the waist to plant a kiss to your lips

during your pregnancy, osamu becomes overwhelmingly nurturing

it’s almost like you’re the baby ???

like he cooks even more for you and is always whipping something up asap when you mention your cravings

what if he made onigiri with the foods you crave as the filling

he does research on ways to quell nausea and discomfort and goes out to buy herbs and ingredients that would make you feel better

basically, he wants to take the best care of you possible my baby

at night, he’s going to let you use him in any way to sleep better

most of the times, you want him pressed against your back and his head nuzzling your neck

he whispers soft and sweet declarations of his love for you and the baby when he thinks you’re asleep you’re not

ok but when the day comes,,,

osamu is just so ready for the baby to arrive that he’s as cool and collected as ever

you’re definitely not tho, and he can sense it, so he’ll find every way to calm you down

meaning,,, he’ll play calming spa music in the hospital room, massage your lower back, gently repeat encouraging affirmations, etc, etc.

osamu takes care of you so well uwuwuwu

and when the baby makes an appearance, you bet osamu leaps to dad duty right away

he’s emotional but clear-minded, and he’s already mentally planning his life with you back at home with the baby🥺

he can see the future with you and this sweet baby for eternity and he’s so ready <3333

[occultfolk]

Lets talk: chakras!

in this post, we'll talk about chakras! what they are, why its important to keep them balanced and how they can aid/hinder our spiritual journey.

FAQs |

I. what even are chakras? Chakras points of energy throughout the body where the physical and higher selves meet.

II. what do they do? each chakra corresponds to massive nerve centers and major organs in the body. each of the 7 chakras also contains our spiritual states of being.

INTRODUCTION |

so what ARE the 7 chakras? glad you asked! let's break them down, one by one, because in order to begin to unblock or even open our chakras, we need to understand them throughly.

before we begin, let's do a little meditation lesson. lie down on a comfortable, flat surface. now, using your pendulum, hover over each of your chakra points — if the pendulum moves with the flow of the position of your body, the chakra is open. but if it does not move, it is blocked.

now, this comes with a grain of salt because while it can be a useful simple way to check the chakras, it cannot be the only way you check them.

SEVEN CHAKRAS |

1. Root Chakra (Muladhara)

The root chakra represents our foundation. On the human body, it sits at the base of the spine and gives us the feeling of being grounded. When the root chakra is open, we feel confident in our ability to withstand challenges and stand on our own two feet. When it's blocked, we feel threatened, as if we're standing on unstable ground.

Location: Base of spine, in tailbone area

What it controls: Survival issues such as financial independence, money, and food

Mantra: "I can't grow from an unsteady foundation."

Color: Red

Element: Earth

Stone: Hematite

2. Sacral Chakra (Swadhisthana)

The sacral chakra helps inform how we relate to our emotions and the emotions of others. It also governs creativity and sexual energy. Those with a blocked sacral chakra could feel a lack of control in their lives.

Location: Lower abdomen, about 2 inches below the navel

What it controls: Your sense of abundance, well-being, pleasure, and sexuality

Mantra: "I always honor others but not before myself."

Color: Orange

Element: Water

Stone: Tiger's Eye

3. Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura)

The third chakra, the solar plexus chakra, speaks to your ability to be confident and in control of your life. Think back to the last time you had butterflies or felt a pit in the stomach: That's the Manipura chakra at work. If your solar plexus chakra is blocked, you might feel overwhelming amounts of shame and self-doubt. Those with open sacral chakras are free to express their true selves.

Location: Upper abdomen in the stomach area

What it controls: Self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem

Mantra: "Self-love starts when I accept all parts of myself."

Color: Yellow

Element: Fire

Stone: Amber

4. Heart Chakra (Anahata)

The heart chakra is the bridge between the lower chakras (associated with materiality) and the upper chakras (associated with spirituality). As the name suggests, this chakra can influence our ability to give and receive love—from others and ourselves. Someone with a blocked heart chakra will have difficulty fully opening up to the people in their life. If someone's heart is open, they can experience deep compassion and empathy.

Location: Center of chest, just above the heart

What it controls: Love, joy, and inner peace

Mantra: "When I love myself, loving others comes easily."

Color: Green

Element: Air

Stone: Rose Quartz

5. Throat Chakra (Vishuddha)

The throat chakra gives voice to the heart chakra and controls our ability to communicate our personal power. When it's functioning at full capacity, it allows us to express ourselves truly and clearly. Someone with a blocked throat chakra will feel like they have trouble finding the words to say how they truly feel.

Location: Throat

What it controls: Communication, self-expression, and truth

Mantra: "I speak my truth, always."

Color: Light Blue/Turquoise

Element: Sound/Music

Stone: Aquamarine

6. Third-Eye Chakra (Ajna)

As we move up the body, we're getting closer to communion with the divine. The third-eye chakra controls our ability to see the big picture and connect to intuition. Think of it as the eye of the soul: It registers information beyond the surface level. Visions and intuitive hits are not uncommon for someone with an open third-eye chakra.

Location: Forehead between the eyes (also called the Brow Chakra)

What it controls: Intuition, imagination, and wisdom

Mantra: "I am open to exploring what cannot be seen."

Color: Dark Blue/Purple

Element: Light

Stone: Amethyst

7. Crown Chakra (Sahasrara)

The crown chakra, the highest chakra, sits at the crown of the head and represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually. When you fully open your crown chakra—something very few people ever do!—you're able to access a higher consciousness.

Location: The very top of the head

What it controls: Inner and outer beauty, spiritual connection

Lesson: "I am a vessel for love and light."

Color: Violet/White

Element: Divine Consciousness

Stone: Clear quartz

BLOCKED/OPEN |

now that we have a better understanding of the chakras, what they do and more important where they are, we can talk about the reasons we might have blocks, and the things we can do to reopen those blocks and therefore progress in our spiritual journies.

i read a book about charkas a while ago, and then i feel it explains the reasons better than i could, here is an excerpt from that book.

"A blocked chakra means energy is stuck or hindered. You might think of it as a blocked artery. In order for energy and information to flow, the channels through which they flow must be open. You will have difficulty getting to work on time if the roads are blocked by traffic. In the same way, the chakras cannot work at optimal levels when the pathways have blockages. These blockages can be physical, emotional or psychological, spiritual, karmic, or energetic.

The blocks can be physical, in the literal sense, such as fatty deposits in the arteries, a tumor, a cyst, or excess waste. We can create blockages in the physical body through poor dietary choices, lack of exercise, overexertion, and lifestyle choices such as overwork, drug use, or lack of sleep.

Blocks in the chakras can also be emotional or psychological, such as stored emotions from the past or mental illness such as anxiety, depression, or addiction. We accumulate emotional toxins and residue from not properly processing and digesting emotions and experiences. These toxins result in blocking the energy flow of the chakras.

Blocks can be spiritual in nature. They can come from outside spiritual forces or from within. If we refuse to honor the spiritual side of who we are, we block the higher chakras. Being spiritually rigid and strict can also restrict the flow of energy. Remember, whether the forces are external or internal, without your conscious awareness they can create harm.

Blockages can also come from our karma. The word karma in Sanskrit literally means “action.” In life we perform actions that are good or nourishing, bad or harmful, or neutral. An example of a good action might be giving money to charity. A bad action might be intentionally lying or deceiving. A neutral action might be making the bed (which, if you dig deeper, can also be considered a good action, depending on the circumstances). In the East, certain religions and philosophies adhere to the principle that we accumulate karma throughout lifetimes, and we carry it forth into our current life. The definition of karma, in this sense, assumes a belief in reincarnation and asserts that karma is not simply the action performed but also the consequences of that action. Good karma carried forward can give us favor in our current lifetime. Bad karma is a debt we must repay in this or future lifetimes.

Finally, the blocks can be energetic. I explained a little about energetic blockages when I spoke about my astrological chart. We are a part of this earth, our solar system, and the universe. The influence of the earth’s energy and elements, as well as of the energy of the sun, moon, and planets in our solar system, is strong and undeniable. Ayurveda, the five-thousand-year-old medical system from India, recognizes these energetic forces and acknowledges them as a means of healing. You can learn more about Ayurveda by reading my book The Wheel of Healing with Ayurveda: An Easy Guide to a Healthy Lifestyle. Ayurveda works on the principles of the five elements — space, air, fire, water, and earth — which work together to create the three doshas, or mind-body types, of Vata (space and air), Pitta (fire and water), and Kapha (water and earth). These elements and mind-body types are relevant in recognizing energetic blocks within your body and the chakras. This awareness will give you more tools toward your healing of the chakras and provide a superspeed highway to creating energy flow." — CHAKRA HEALING FOR VIBRANT ENERGY by Michelle S. Fondin.

so how do we unblock them then? well, its more complicated than can be explained in a single tumblr post, but i will tell you how to get the energies moving whilst you work through the blocks and figure them out.

we need to understand, that we are all different, and our spiritual journies will all be different. the same goes for things like chakras.

1st Chakra (Root)

Element: The root chakra is associated with earth, so walking barefoot in the sand, grass, or dirt can be beneficial. Any time spent in nature is helpful for this chakra.

Nutrition: Eat healthy red foods like tomatoes, beets, berries, and apples.

Wear and Decorate: Use accents of red and wear red jewelry, clothing, or shoes.

Sound: lam

2nd Chakra (Sacral)

Element: The sacral chakra is associated with water, which means swimming or spending time by bodies of water like lakes and oceans is beneficial.

Nutrition: Eat orange foods like carrots, oranges, melons, or mangoes.

Wear and Decorate: Surround yourself with orange accessories or tones.

Sound: vam

3rd Chakra (Solar Plexus)

Element: The solar plexus chakra is associated with the element of fire, so enjoy sitting around a bonfire or soak up bright sunlight.

Nutrition: Eat yellow foods like bananas, ginger, turmeric, pineapple, and corn.

Wear and Decorate: Wearing yellow clothing, jewelry, and accessories would be beneficial.

Sound: ram

4th Chakra (Heart)

Elements: The heart chakra is associated with air, so breathing deeply will help to clear the energy at this level. Drive with the windows open, fly a kite, or take a boat ride.

Nutrition: Eat green foods including broccoli, avocado, and leafy greens like kale or spinach.

Wear and Decorate: Accent your life with all shades of green.

Sound: yum

5th Chakra (Throat)

Element: The throat chakra is associated with ether (similar to spirit), so sitting in an open space under a clear sky is a fabulous way to get this energy flowing appropriately.

Nutrition: Eat blue foods like blueberries, currants, dragon fruit, and kelp.

Wear and Decorate: Use all blue tones.

Sound: ham

6th Chakra (Third Eye)

Element: The third eye chakra is associated with light. To balance and open this chakra, sit in stillness in the sunlight or relax in a window as the sun pours in.

Nutrition: Eat indigo foods including purple kale, grapes, and blackberries.

Wear and Decorate: Wearing indigo clothing or jewelry and decorating with accents of this color will be useful.

Sound: sham

7th Chakra (Crown)

Element: The crown chakra is affiliated with all the elements, so connecting with your wholeness rather than a single element is the recommended practice. Spend time in meditation, chanting, or prayer.

Nutrition: At this level, the nutrition is no longer for the physical body. This chakra is not nourished with food, but with spiritual practices. Practice self-reflection and curiosity.

Wear and Decorate: Wearing violet clothing or jewelry and decorating with accents of this color will be useful.

Sound: om

CONCLUSION |

hopefully you all understand chakras a bit better now! but, if any questions are to come up that you can't seem to find an answer to, my ask box is always open! (like my chakras).

[adamsvanrhijn]

@thismoleculeisacomedian

wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)

I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.

However.

I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).

Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.

(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)

One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.

Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.

How does he react?

By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.

The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—

Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves

Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)

Escape a place he is not valued

Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)

To a job he is skilled at and enjoys

The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person

That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)

And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.

Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.

CLINGY MUCH?

And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:

Look at how bad I want it

Look at how good of a valet I am

(You promised!)

Look at how good of a lover I am

Look at how much I know & care about you

Except then—

{clear internal chaos}

I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are

But what is blackmail?

Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.

The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.

The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.

"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER

It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!

Absolutely! Agree!

...except that he does it again.

And then again.

The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!

But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.

Anyway.

There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.

But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.

And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).

I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.

And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—

—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!

Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.

The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.

The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.

And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.

Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.

People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.

I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.

[itsclydebitches]

Hello, lovely readers! Welcome back. Buckle up, this chapter — and its accompanying recap — is one of our longest so far. 

To start, I am grappling with my surprise over the opening sentence of Chapter Seven:

“Scarlet was disappointed that there’d been no big celebration following reinitiation.”

I’m sorry, reinitiation is over? First, this goes against the expectations set up last chapter. Sun, Velvet, and Scarlet had a whole conversation about how this test looked exactly like normal initiation, so obviously there must be some key difference in order to both differentiate it from regular initiation, and ensure that students originally from Shade don’t have a major advantage. They seemed to expect a twist to this test so I expected a twist too. In fact, as a reader looking for entertainment, a twist was all but assured. Or so I thought. When nothing much happened during Velvet’s adventure — she just drops down the first hole she sees, immediately spots the relic, and dodges some grimm on her way out — I thought, “There must be a Part II coming up.” The airship isn’t taking them back to Shade, it’s taking them to the next sequence in the test. …Apparently not. It really is just like regular initiation.

Second, what about the rest of Team CFVY? What about Team SSSN? We don’t need to follow every character individually (that would indeed take a while), but at least do something similar to what we just got with Velvet and Sun undergoing the same challenge. If I remember correctly, the student body was divided into three or four groups, meaning that by default every member of our teams will be mixed up with someone else and, based on Velvet’s challenge, every airbus team is given the same task. So just show us two more adventures and you’re done. Given how short most chapters are (Chapter Eight is a mere six pages) and the fact that we’ve got twenty-one of them overall, that’s not much of a hardship. As it stands this is… weird. Why Velvet? Why, out of eight separate characters — two of which are team leaders and seemingly more of a main character than she is, as least two others who we know next to nothing about — does she get the extra time and attention? It’s like if RWBYJNR underwent a test but we only heard about Jaune and Blake’s experience, with Jaune dropped halfway through the chapter and everything else is told through Blake’s PoV. Like yeah, that’s technically fine, we can assume they all completed the same task, and Blake is great! But it’s still weird when you’ve got seven other characters to balance.

Not to mention missing out on everything else that I assumed we’d get answers to. Velvet obviously never found Yatsuhashi since we were never given a test section where they were together. How did Yatsuhashi deal with the panic he was struggling with when we left him? Did Fox have to rely on someone else to get him a relic since he couldn’t see them? What does Coco think about all this??

We might get flashbacks at some point, but right now we’re starting Chapter Seven having skipped all of this including, as Scarlet points out, the immediate emotional aftermath. I don’t really care about another Beacon Brigade meeting, I care about the shocking change that was thrown at our characters and changed the whole dynamic of this school… but apparently we’re moving on.

As said, Scarlet is sad there was no party because he, unlike everyone else, is pretty thrilled with the new teams. Yup, they actually changed. At least that’s an engaging development. Especially given how uh… volatile these teams are likely to be. Scarlet now fights with Coco who is no longer the team leader. Instead, it’s a girl named Reese who “didn’t strike [Scarlet] as a born leader. On the other hand, she wasn’t Sun, so she was definitely an upgrade.” Yeah, it becomes clear within a couple of paragraphs that Scarlet straight up hates Sun, rather than simply grappling with frustration over his recent behavior.  

He’s likewise critical of the Beacon Brigade, mentally referring to them as a “pity party” which 1. Yikes, Scarlet, people died and 2. Why is he here? It seems like everyone whose perspective we’ve gotten so far — with the exception of Velvet — thinks these get-togethers are a waste of time, yet they continue to attend them. From a writing standpoint it’s easy to see why you’d want these characters there to prompt personal conflict, but I’m confused as to the in-world reasons for why so many of them are sitting through something they only have criticism for. Is it peer pressure? Loyalty to their friends? Lack of anything better to do? The disgust or indifference for this group is well established, though not what makes all these characters attend it anyway.

We’re at least told that Sun was “dragged” here by Velvet which… okay? Why? Last chapter Velvet didn’t particularly like Sun either, so I suppose she’s simply looking to improve him or something? Honestly, the Velvet we’ve given while seeing the world through her eyes and the Velvet of other chapters seem radically different from one another. By that I don’t mean that Velvet sees herself differently than she really is. An example of that would be Ruby thinking that she’s bad at making friends, when in reality she forms deep bonds incredibly quickly. 

It’s a characteristic that has always existed, obvious to the viewer too, but Ruby simply doesn’t notice it due to her own self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. Velvet, meanwhile, is written as a different character altogether. The Velvet who exists across most of this book comes across as far quite kind and patient, whereas when we’re in her head Velvet is both internally and externally mean. Her attitude flips on and off like a switch. I know I said last time that Sun’s admiration at her avoiding the Ravagers might finally start changing her tune about him, and that could indeed be an explanation for why she brought him back to the Beacon Brigade, but that doesn’t explain the extreme change in how she holds a conversation with him. Remember that last chapter we had “tough love” Velvet who was insulting Sun almost every chance she got. This Velvet speaks calmly and patiently until Sun understands their reasoning behind forming this group… which yeah, is a good thing. I’m glad someone is offering to explain things to Sun instead of just assuming the worst of him, but we’re nevertheless left with very inconsistent characterization. How and why did this change come about? Will Velvet revert back to tough love? Who can say? Certainly not me.

At least Scarlet’s opinions are clear: “just when [he] was ready to get a little distance from [Sun]” he shows up again. He goes on to think about how he just wanted a fresh start which, okay. Fair. That’s partly the point of this whole exercise and but right now Scarlet is convinced that a fresh start isn’t possible “with Sun in charge.” So Sun as an individual seems to be the problem here, not Scarlet’s team as a whole. Which would likewise be fair if I had a better understanding of where such intense opinions were coming from. In this chapter we’re suddenly told that Sun running off isn’t a new occurrence:

“Well, you were always leaving us and going solo. We were never sure why,” Scarlet said. They might not be on the same team now, but his questions hadn’t gone away.

Sage still had questions, too. “Were we not good enough for you?” he asked.

Okay, that definitely sounds like a legitimate flaw that would alienate your team members from you... but when did this happen? Granted, the answer to this might (again) just be, “In After the Fall, Clyde” but we’re nearly a hundred pages into this book and this issue hasn’t come up before now—something that would be very easy to accomplish when each chapter is changing perspectives. Upon reflection, Sun is doing things semi-solo in a lot of the main series, but that never came across as anything other than an easy writing choice to me. Meaning, Sun originally existed as a faunus friend for Blake, someone outside of Team RWBY to get involved in the White Fang fight. Introducing him as a single character is easier, having him meet with Blake alone makes sense, etc. Not only is the concept of teams existing as a single unit that always does everything together ridiculous, but Neptune was clearly meant to exist as a representation of the rest of the team without having to write three distinct characters alongside Sun every time he comes on screen. Sun is solo on the docks. Sun is at the cafeteria with Neptune. Sun infiltrates the White Fang with Blake. Sun eavesdrops on Team RWBY with Neptune. In the main series I never got the sense that Sun was avoiding his team, only that he had a life outside of his team and that his team was otherwise represented through one guy instead of three. Three wouldn’t have worked for most of these scenes. 

All of which isn’t to say that Sun didn’t avoid his team — I’m not claiming Scarlet is lying — only that I’m not convinced we’ve seen that flaw. Which is incredibly common in RWBY. Characters will make quite significant statements and the viewer/reader is left wondering when this thing happened, or why the contradictions we can easily see in the story aren’t acknowledged. If Sun, as leader, has a habit of ditching his friends, both leaving them to function as a team without him and acting as if he doesn’t like spending time with them… then yeah, that’s absolutely something that needs to be addressed. But where is that Sun? Why haven’t I seen that characterization? Every time they’re together his team avoids him (Scarlet being a perfect example). Even Sun baffled by the accusations.

How could he not know? Scarlet wondered.

I don’t know either! This certainly seems to be a misunderstanding, but oddly the one person who can shed some light on the miscommunication doesn’t speak. Sun looks to Neptune in his confusion which makes perfect sense because: Hey, best friend! The guy I do everything with and who functions as clear evidence that I’m not always going solo like Scarlet claims, can you explain what’s going on here? We might have gotten an exchange where Neptune points out that spending time with him doesn’t equal spending time with the whole team, Scarlet and Sage feel left out, and that’s absolutely a claim that would stand up within the canon… but Neptune says nothing. Sun is simply accused of being a horrible leader who doesn’t want anything to do with his team, despite there being very little basis for this in the text. All we’ve got is him leaving with Blake which, as I’ve explained, is something he does need to apologize for. But that’s the conflict we’ve seen, not this broad, wishy-washy claim that Sun is an all around bad person.

What it comes down to is that Scarlet’s disdain is apparently rooted in more than just a single action of Sun’s, it’s apparently a pattern of behavior that he takes issue with, but I haven’t seen him be a particularly bad leader/friend lately. Or, I should say, certainly no worse than everyone else around him, given that this entire group does what they want and insults one another on a regular basis. Sun isn’t an exception in that. Both the book and this conversation feels like an attack on Sun’s character, not the event we know he needs to redeem himself for. When Blake left, Team RWY didn’t speak ad nauseum about how horrible a person she is, not talented enough to fight with them, incapable of doing anything right…  insults that are separate from the issue at hand. The mistakes we’ve seen Sun make aren’t aligning with the complaints other characters have about him, but nor is the story acknowledging that his friends might be biased or simply wrong. Basically, like Velvet’s character, it’s a confusing, inconsistent mess.

And if it feels like I’m repeating myself every chapter it’s because the book is repeating itself every chapter. How many times are we going to tell the reader who awful Sun is? We’re nearly a hundred pages in, folks. 

I’ve been getting very ahead of myself though. Before we delve into Sun’s apology and the resulting confessions, let’s quickly lay out the new teams. Yatshuhashi and Neptune have ended up together, which explains a certain scene that I know is coming later. I figured that the entirety of CFVYSSSN was conducting their investigation together and some cross team duos came about. Turns out they’re actually part of a team now. It’s an interesting premise! Too bad I know it’s heading in the worst possible direction.

Also, everyone already has color names. That’s the true evidence for non-random assignments! The instructors would never come up with enough color related terms otherwise lol. 

“Oh brilliant headmaster, why did you choose to put me on this team? Was it because I worked so well with this peer of mine? Or does my semblance compliment another’s?”

“No, kid. Your name just happens to start with an ‘F’ and we needed one to get an abridged version of ‘Forest.’”

“…ah. I see. One more thing, sir.”

“Yes?”

“I’d like to transfer to a less stupid institution.”

These conversations had to have happened. 

Velvet has been paired with Octavia as well as another Beacon hating student named Nebula. No surprise there. Then, just to make sure we don’t go more than a few paragraphs without insulting Sun, we’re told that “poor Sage” is still “stuck with him.” Sage is now the team leader, another choice that Scarlet doesn’t understand. Indeed, he actually says that this is “proof of the utter randomness of the exercise.” I’m both inclined to agree (in the sense that, as said, managing all these team aspects intentionally is nearly impossible) and also point out that by all intents and purposes Jaune should have read as an idiotic choice too. “How can you say that, Clyde? Jaune showed astounding leadership during his own initiation!” No he didn’t. Jaune noticed that a scorpion’s tail was loose, yelled out a generic call to action, Pyrrha figured out what to do, and then he told Nora to finish it off. Jaune said they needed to help get across the gap and help them in the first place (no duh) but Nora is the one who figures out how. It’s really not much, especially compared to things like spending most of his initiation stuck in trees and having no idea how to wield his sword. If Jaune can be made leader Sage should absolutely be given the chance. Everyone should be given the chance compared to the guy who became team leader without knowing what a landing strategy was. 

Scarlet concludes all this by saying that “Sun didn’t seem bothered in the slightest by not being the boss,” but remember, when a character is already inclined to think the worst of someone, their assumptions about their emotions aren’t necessarily accurate. We won’t know until/if we get back into Sun’s head whether he’s truly indifferent to these changes or not. Not that Scarlet needs any such confirmation. He decides that Sun “probably didn’t care who was in charge because he wasn’t going to listen, anyway.”

This is still so confusing to me. Did the rest of team SSSN tell Sun not to leave and he blew him off? Am I forgetting a time recently where he made his team do something they didn’t agree with? If not, where is this ‘Sun doesn’t listen to anyone’ criticism coming from? Even if we establish that it’s true — perhaps supported by the free spirit personality Sun wields, though that’s not the same thing as ignoring orders — why is he the only one getting heat for it? Coco doesn’t listen to anyone either. She’s out here metaphorically flipping Rumpole off to conduct an investigation that Sage and Scarlet didn’t seem to agree with, but Sun, trying to integrate everyone into Vacuan culture, is the one who abandons everyone to do what he wants? 

But this is normal for RWBY. A flaw is a flaw until it’s applied to the character this story supports, then it becomes something to praise instead. In some respects, this is even more frustrating to experience in the novel because unlike in the webseries, there’s plenty of time here to explain a character’s opinions, show us their memories, lay out the nuance in these relationships, all the techniques that would help convince the reader of a difference in behavior when actions seem pretty identical at first glance… yet here we are, not utilizing that time or, when we are, providing inconsistent information. There have been precious few moments in this novel where I’ve felt like I have a firm handle on a protagonist: what their motivations are, what actions they’ve taken in response to that, how those actions have been received, and whether that reception is justified. 

Honestly, the most consistent aspect of this novel is how closely it aligns with the webseires: both texts don’t make good internal sense and leave me scratching my head over what I’m supposed to take away from the story, let alone whether that takeaway makes sense based on what I’ve been shown.  

But I promised you all Sun’s apology. Let’s just chuck out the whole thing:

“Here we go again with the Beacon Brigade stuff,” Sun muttered.

“Excuse me?” Velvet frowned. “I thought you came back here to apologize.”

Scarlet laughed. How could she even believe that? “Sun’s pretty bad at apologies.”

“I can apologize!” Sun’s tail swept back and forth.

“Go on, then.” Scarlet said, prompting him.

Sun put his hands into his pockets and looked down. “I’m sorry I said all those mean things and stormed out of here last time,” he said quickly.

“Thank you—” Velvet began.

Sun lifted his head. “But I was only trying to help you understand how elitist this group looks to everyone else.”

Scarlet rolled his eyes. He leaned back to watch the show.

I’m going to fall back on a list for this one.

1. As said in the past, I’m well aware that a story needn’t show us every scene but should rather provide information that allows us to extrapolate things based on the context and basic logic. e.g. “I haven’t read a scene yet where these characters brush their teeth, but I can assume it’s happening and we just don’t see it because that’s incidental to the plot and would (theoretically) be boring.” In fact, a story that provides too much information—be it in world building, characterization, every detail of the current event—will often have failed in one of its core intentions: entertainment. I get that. However, it feels like more often than not RWBY struggles to pinpoint which moments should be shown and which should be relegated off screen. I, for one, would have liked to see this conversation between Velvet and Sun. Not because a conversation inviting him to another Beacon Brigade meeting is inherently exciting, but because we’ve been given a context wherein such a conversation is significant for both of their developments. Velvet was incredibly critical of Sun last chapter. Now she’s “dragged him” back to this meeting. Is it because she’s changed her tune about him, or because she hopes to change him further? That’s important. Sun, last we saw, was digging his heels in regarding the meetings, the new teams, and the refugees’ overall approach to living at Shade. Now, Velvet tosses out that he “came back here to apologize.” What changed Sun’s mind and got him to admit he overstepped? Or is Velvet wrong in her assumption about what he intended to do? This story is character driven—we’ve gotten very little action thus far, none of which has been integrated into the emotional stakes—yet consistently the story fails to answer questions like, “What does this character want?” “What made them change their mind about this?” and “Do we trust their perspective and interpretation of events?” Like skipping out on everyone else’s reinitiation, it’s impossible to get invested in the “development” of characters when we’re always unclear about where they started, where they’re heading, and what in the world happened to enact any change we see between chapters. 

2. Similarly, we’re told that “Sun’s pretty bad at apologies.” Did anyone else know this prior to Scarlet announcing it to the group (the reader)? Yes, Sun has yet to apologize for leaving with Blake, but that is, as I’ve stated above, one event that is not necessarily indicative of a behavioral trend. I’d much rather have known a Sun across the webseries and this book who consistently demonstrates an inability to admit when he’s wrong, not simply be told that by a character when it becomes relevant to the scene. Or, at the very least, allow our time with characters like Scarlet to provide that information in a more persuasive, fulfilling manner. Maybe he thinks about all the times Sun has let him down and then refused to acknowledge it. Maybe we get another flashback to a similar event that this is reminding Scarlet of. Maybe he and Sun actually talk and we get a sense of how this opinion formed. Something other than an announcement simply informing us of an impactful character flaw that we haven’t seen up until now.

3. Especially given that Sun does apologize and it’s not a bad apology either, it’s just that he’s chosen to apologize for the things he’s actually sorry for: saying mean stuff and storming out. It takes a lot to admit that two of his responses weren’t appropriate and there’s enough specificity and sincerity here that Velvet immediately accepts it with a “Thank you.” Where Sun arguably messes up is in continuing his apology with a “But…” yet here I’d like to reiterate that the simplistic advice we find on tumblr isn’t applicable to every situation. Meaning, I’ve seen a lot of posts lately about apologies, reminding people that it should be about acknowledging how you hurt someone regardless of your intentions, not using your intentions as an excuse for your actions. I agree with that. I likewise think Sun did this. He admits that he hurt people despite not meaning to and he owns up to that, even if he does so in a quickly, clearly uncomfortable manner. Acknowledging that you hurt someone despite your intentions doesn’t mean that your intentions can never be brought up again. If I accidentally insult someone in the act of confronting them about, say, destructive behavior, I should indeed apologize for that… but that doesn’t mean the issue itself—the destructive behavior—is forever off the table. It’s an important topic and Sun likewise has an important topic he’s trying to broach again, this time in a more respectful manner. Sun is sorry for the cruel things he said, he’s sorry for storming out, he’s sorry for how he responded to things… but he’s not sorry for his opinion about the situation itself, and that’s fair. Apologizing for your behavior does not require that you suddenly agree with the person you’ve hurt. Indeed, it’s only Sun challenging the group again—this time in a non-insulting, non-storming out manner—that the group itself realizes that they haven’t been clear about their own intentions. The issue was never whether the group is a good thing or a bad thing, but rather that the group didn’t bother to explain to Sun why they were doing this in the first place, leaving him to come to his own conclusions—and then getting upset when those conclusions turned out to be inaccurate. Up until this moment, no one in this room is inclined to spend time with Sun, let alone ensure that he has an accurate view of what this group means, so is it any surprise that he took things at face value? The group who named themselves after Beacon doesn’t want to be a part of Shade. That’s what it looks like on the surface and thus, that’s what he assumed. 

4. Despite the complexity of this situation—by far the best Myers has managed thus far in this novel—Scarlet doesn’t acknowledge any of it. Not the group’s behavior towards Sun that resulted in a lack of understanding, not Sun’s understandable assumptions, not his inappropriate response to them, nor his apology. Scarlet said Sun was bad at apologies and Sun just proved him wrong… but acknowledging that requires likewise acknowledging everything in the above paragraph. Scarlet doesn’t want to think about what Sun is apologizing for vs. concerns he still has, he just hears a “But” and “rolled his eyes" to “watch the show.” What’s perhaps the most strange about all this — and the easiest to pinpoint as a potential problem — is that Scarlet agrees with Sun. He thinks the Beacon Brigade is a waste of time too! In another story I would expect to either a) have Scarlet grudgingly admit that Sun had a point, helping to lead him to some realizations about his bias, or b) have the story itself acknowledge that Scarlet is interested only in criticizing Sun no matter what he might actually say or do. If we boil the conversation down we’ve got:

[Scarlet is critical of the Beacon Brigade]

[Sun is critical of the Beacon Brigade]

[Scarlet ignores that tie between them]

and

[Scarlet thinks that Sun isn’t capable of apologizing]

[Sun apologizes]

[Scarlet ignores this]

This trend is likewise seen at the start of the meeting when Scarlet goes, “The gall of it. It was so obvious what Sun was doing—he was practically gleeful to be rid of his teammates” in response to Sun not seeming devastated by the changes. It’s the same situation we got last chapter with Velvet, wherein one character’s interpretation of a situation — Sun doesn’t look sad enough to my liking — doesn’t necessarily match up with reality. Indeed, when Scarlet throws out another accusation we’re shown precisely how inaccurate his perspective is:

“I guess it’s not hard to move on when you’re always moving, huh?” He sat up straight and looked at Sun. “Just how ecstatic are you to be moving on from us? Be honest. While we’re at it, maybe you can explain why.”

Sun was taken aback. “What?”

Sun is shocked by the idea that he’s “ecstatic” over these changes because he’s clearly not. There’s so much miscommunication among these characters and, thus far, incredibly little done to resolve it. This conversation explaining the Beacon Brigade to Sun is the major exception and, as a result, is one of the only worthwhile scenes. I feel like our characters have finally changed in some way. Yet to continually balance out any enjoyable bits, Scarlet’s bias stands in contrast to this improvement we see with Sun. It’s even more obvious when we factor in Scarlet’s revelation about Nolan in the same conversation. Despite witnessing nothing nearly as concrete as an apology when he said apologies weren’t something Sun was good at, Scarlet comes to the conclusion that he had been “underestimating Nolan all this time” and seems, from a single comment, to form a much higher opinion of him. The kicker is that not only does this moment not jumpstart a similar revelation regarding Sun, but is rather used as another segue into criticism of him: “Just like Sun had been underestimating the rest of them. But would Sun ever see that?”

Sun is indeed blind to some things, but so is Scarlet. Arguably more-so. At least here we see Sun listening to the others and flat out admitting that he was wrong. The confusing nature of Scarlet’s anger — is he upset about the Blake incident or something that seems to exist ‘off screen’? — coupled with his inability to acknowledge the improvements Sun is striving to make when they’re literally happening right in front of him, makes for a frustrating read. So as always: Yay flawed characters? It’s just too bad that this cast seems to be made up primarily of flaws and are doing incredibly little to improve themselves. Unless you factor in things like Velvet’s randomly changing personality.

As said though, I think the group does a good job explaining their perspective to Sun, largely because they bother to take a moment to connect with him, see how and why he came to these conclusions, and respectfully lay out their own perspective. Velvet explains that names are important, a part of your identity, and thus when they came to Vacuo they wanted a new name to reflect their new life. “Beacon was the obvious choice.” By the end of the scene Sun freely admits his mistake — “Maybe I was wrong,” Sun said — but still maintains that his misunderstanding stemmed from something. All of these (somewhat convoluted) explanations involving names, identity, belonging, moving on, but keeping their past is in no way obvious when you just hear the name Beacon Brigade. “‘Well, you’ve been sending a mixed message with this group, at least to Vacuans,’ Sun said stubbornly” except that “stubbornly” is uncharitable because he’s right. Not about the Beacon Brigade being a useless waste of time like we saw a few chapters back, but about the name and meeting sending the wrong message without that complicated context attached. The name alone has no connection to Vacuo. The name sounds like they’re refusing to move on. The name is also weirdly about being an army despite this being a therapy group, but we’ve already mentioned that. The statements “Your reasons for having this group and naming it this are valid,” “It’s not your fault that the Vacuans are refusing to accept you,” and “On the surface that name and these meetings send an unintended bad message that doesn’t help your already iffy social status” can and all do exist simultaneously.

The fact that Sun is using this opportunity to understand where the Beacon Brigade is coming from, but the Beacon Brigade is continually insisting that his perspective has no merit, just reinforces that the only one undergoing any growth here is Sun. Which, coming into this novel, I would have said is justified. He abandoned his team! He followed Blake! He listened in on her private conversations! He hasn’t even apologized to his team yet! Sun obviously has things to work on. But the expectation of him being the most in need of improvement rests on those around him being more level-headed, empathetic, talented people than he is… and they’re not. In this novel, the people Sun has hurt can be just as stubborn and cruel, making just as many iffy decisions. So when we’ve got a whole school of incredibly flawed teens, with one individual clearly striving to do better while the others endlessly pile on him… uh, I’m in that guy’s corner. At least I understand how Sun’s development is coming about, unlike Velvet. At least Sun admits when he’s made mistakes, unlike Coco and Scarlet. At least Sun hasn’t done anything close to the horror that I know is coming with Fox and Yatsuhashi…

So yes, to say that this scene and its resulting implications is complicated is an understatement. For the love of God, let’s move on.

We get another flashback, this time to Team SSSN arriving in Vacuo to meet with Headmaster Theodore and Rumpole. Recall that we were shown the exact same situation with Team CFVY… but wow is Theodore different here. Previously, I praised his compassion and ability to inspire new students because in that scene it was clear he was thrilled to have Team CFVY joining his school. Theodore is not thrilled to accept Team SSSN and I’m honestly unclear as to why. Both did well in the Vytal Tournament, which is something Rumpole apparently looked over when evaluating the students. Both participated in — and survived — the Battle of Beacon. Both are here now, hoping for a new place to call home, yet the reception SSSN receives is distinctly frosty.

Granted, this is at least partly because we’re still seeing things through Scarlet’s perspective, but that doesn’t cover everything. Theodore starts the flashback by reminding them that he believes “Actions speak louder than words,” to which Sun wholeheartedly agrees. Rather than acknowledging that they have similar outlooks, Rumpole tells him to be quiet — “[she] put a finger over her lips” — and when Sun doesn’t seem to notice the gesture Scarlet interprets this as him being “cocky.” That… doesn’t really line up. Regardless, Theodore is interested to know why Sun didn’t attend Vacuo if he grew up here, seeming to read that choice as some sort of insult towards him and his school: “He exchanged a look with Professor Rumpole. Then he looked sternly at Scarlet, Sage, and Nexpeptune.” When Sun explains that he wanted to see more of the world before settling down, Theodore and Rumpole jump on the word choice.    

Sage snickered. Rumpole’s eyes flashed gold.

“So you think of Vacuo as ‘settling’?” Theodore asked.

Wait. 

Excuse me, educator, but the phrase “settling down” is not comparable to “settling.” The former means to live a quieter, stable life usually after, yes, traveling the world for a time. It has few (if any) negative connotations. In fact, it’s quite positive. The implication is that you’ve been to many places, seen a great deal, experienced much of what life has to offer you, and now you’re choosing this place as your home. It’s also framed after a sought-after end goal. The weary hero longs to settle down but is unable to due to their quest. Settling down with friends and family is the prize given at the end of a story. It’s good. In contrast, “settling” for something does have a number of negative implications attached to it. It suggests that it’s not what you want, but you’re willing to put up with it at the end of the day given that you have no other choice. It’s second or third best, at most, but you’ll tolerate it. The concept of settling for something is insulting because it says that given different circumstances, you never would have chosen it.

Sun says he’s “settling down” in Vacuo; this is the home he’s choosing. Theodore and Rumpole both interpret this as “settling;” he’s choosing them only because he has to. But why? Where did this interpretation come from? Schools were a mix of people from different kingdoms long before Salem shook things up, so why is Sun getting heat for going to Mistral? Especially with the rather persuasive justification of, ‘I’d like to see more than just my backyard, thanks’? Are Vacuans so xenophobic that the mere act of one of their own leaving for a short time makes them an outsider? Why is this never explained then? Why doesn’t Sun, the Vacuan, understand this and seek to defend himself?

I’m still so confused, folks! 

Things just go downhill from there. Sun asks if he can call Theodore “Theo,” which doesn’t go over well.

“No!” barked Theodore and Rumpole at the same time.

“Right. Sorry. Professor—”

“Headmaster.”

This is unnecessarily strict. As someone who has known a number of “You must refer to me as ‘Doctor’” people, I have never heard a single one “bark” out a negative in response to asking about using a different address. They respectfully correct a student because instructors — and people in general — should strive to be respectful. Then Theodore nitpicks about “Professor” vs. “Headmaster.” A look back at what I read does show a consistency of students addressing him as “Headmaster,” but if that’s a preference why not just say that? As it is, the curt correction feels like he’s trying to limit Sun’s options, especially when we’ve heard others like Ozpin be referred to as “Professor.” It’s not exactly a weird mistake.

Then Theodore goes,

“And which of you is the leader again? I know it’s not Neptune, but you can tell that just by looking at him.” Neptune’s jaw dropped.

What is wrong? With this cast?? Theodore was a splendid Headmaster whom I loved a few chapters back, now suddenly — as soon as he’s talking to Team SSSN — he’s become downright mean. What the absolute hell was that comment? “You can tell that just by looking at him”? That’s so insulting! He’s another Velvet, turning basic compassion on and off depending on who he’s speaking to, yet I still remain in the dark as to why everyone in this novel hates Sun, to the point where even his teammates bear the brunt of that negativity. Because, you know, when Sun says he’s the leader,

Rumpole was momentarily speechless.

Hold on. Let’s take a hot second to summarize what Sun has done in this conversation thus far, AKA everything that exists to form such a horrible opinion of him that Rumpole would be “speechless” at the thought of him leading. Sun has:

Agreed with Headmaster Theodore regarding a life philosophy.

Says he grew up in Vacuo.

Admits that he wants to settle down here, making Shade his permanent home.

Asked to address the Headmaster as “Theo.”

Apologies for his presumptiveness.

Correctly changes his address to “Headmaster Theodore.”

Explains that he was on a “special assignment” last semester and that’s why he wasn’t at Haven. Scarlet mutters that the assignment was given “by himself.”

So Sun is a native who’s heart has “grown fonder” for his kingdom and who agrees with Theodore’s outlook. He is willing to apologize and change his behavior as instructed. The only marks against him so far are 1. Being overly friendly with an authority figure and 2. The implication that he simply ran off without justification, though thus far it’s Sun’s word against Scarlet’s. That should hardly count until the accusation is proven one way or the other. 

So Sun is implied to be an unfit leader because he was friendly? That outweighs positives like being from Vacuo and taking direction?

Everyone is really just out to paint Sun as The Worst Person Ever, huh? Here’s your trophy, bud. 

After this stunning display ranging from indifference to what appears to be outright disgust, Theodore says that they can stay on through what’s essentially a trial period. “Until you wash out, or he changes his mind,” Rumpole explained. “Frankly, that happens a lot.” Again, Team CFVY didn’t receive such a threat. Theodore concludes the meeting by requiring a written account of the White Fang attack, something Sun is nervous about. “You do know how to write?” Theodore asks, just casually tossing in a final insult. Scarlet reassures him that they’ll help Sun with the “big words.”

Wow. The farther I get into this story the less surprised I am that the fandom has been hissing at it like an angry pack of cats. Or at least, a solid chunk of the fandom here on tumblr. I can’t recall if I mentioned this in an earlier Chapter, but at the start of this project I popped onto Goodreads and was somewhat shocked at Before the Dawn’s 4.16 rating, accompanied by numerous glowing reviews. Were we given different copies of the book? Then again, I often feel as if I’m watching a different show than the fandom talks up. I too would love to be watching a gripping, emotionally compelling, complex RWBY story of the sort that I’ve heard about. Ah well.

Back to the text at hand.

It’s the next day and everyone is attending Professor Rowena Sunnybrook’s Weapons Training Class. I briefly grapple with the image of Rowena Ravenclaw at Sunnybrook Farm. Then I consider how close “Rowena” is to “Rebecca.” Then I remember that in the stories Rebecca’s middle name was Rowena. Then I move on with my life.

(How badly am I dating myself if I bring up Shirley Temple?) 

There’s a sandpit set up in the middle of that classroom which “had always seemed odd to Scarlet. If you wanted to fight in sand, why not just go outside? There was plenty of sand in this place.” Honest answer: ease of access and control over your environment. It’s the same reason why you’d take students to an indoor track rather than just telling them to run anywhere there’s space outside. There may be qualities to the sand that make it a better practice tool — less coarse, no rocks hidden underneath — and it’s presented in an accessible, otherwise safe classroom. No one is wasting time finding a spot outside. No sand storms will suddenly interrupt an exercise. Rowena and the students alike aren’t fighting against the wind, or the sun, the grimm, or anything else they might have to pay attention to. Given the tech of this world, there may even be cameras in the classroom that allows instructors to record and revisit their students’ practice. Unless you’re looking to prepare them for the unpredictability of the real world in a given lesson, this is just an all around easier choice. A pain to set up, perhaps, but easier once the pit is in place.

So Scarlet is, per the trend, in somewhat of a bad mood. He says he’s excited to see what class is like with his new teammates, but he doesn’t understand why you’d have a sand pit inside (in a world where competitions like the Vytal Festival exist…) and he likewise doesn’t get why anyone would fight on sand if they didn’t have to. But… you do have to? Scarlet just got done reminding everyone that they live in a desert now. He doesn’t get much of a say in whether he’s fighting on sand or not, so he’d better learn how to do it. I don’t think the grimm and occasional baddie is going to let Scarlet choose the setting before a fight begins.

Scarlet is also exhausted, which I can definitely understand. I’m tired just reading about the week they’ve been through. We get a tiny glimpse into the Chapter That Never Was where he thinks that “Spending hours in an underground Dust mine fighting a herd of Jackalopes wasn’t exactly a fun time.” Too bad we didn’t get to read about it. Though I do quite like the tiny insight into Scarlet we get here. He’s extra tired because he was “staying up so late to clean his clothes and shine his shoes.” Yeah, I could say something about implied-to-be gay guys and their obsession with clothes, though considering that Scarlet’s sexuality is nonexistent in this text or the main series, it feels disingenuous to make any claims about stereotyping. Besides, that may be a reach even if he was confirmed as queer. Rather, I like the line because it can be read in different ways, one of which is further confirmation that Scarlet seems to be a straight-laced, eager to please authority sort of guy. He doesn’t like having a spontaneous team leader. He hopes that Theodore will see his worth over Sun’s. Scarlet already comes across as the sort of student who would put additional time into shining his shoes while everyone else gets some much needed sleep. Appearances matter to him.

This entire time Sunnybrook has been lecturing, though seemingly not about anything important. Scarlet is surprised that they haven’t started an activity yet. The stalling is explained when Rumpole shows up, stomping into the classroom and grousing that Sunnybrook started without her. She rightfully points out, “You’re late, and this is my class.”

Ooh, Scarlet thought. Sunnybrook just went from chatty to catty.

…No? Beyond my ardent love of writers insisting that women are “catty” whenever they show an ounce of assertiveness or self-respect (/s), how is Sunnybrook being “catty” when she’s literally just stating two facts? Rumpole is late. This is her class. Both those things are true. There is an implied criticism there, but it’s hardly undeserved. If anyone is close to being “catty” right now it’s Rumpole, arriving late without an apology and criticizing Sunnybrook for doing her job in Rumpole’s absence.

Which begins the very strange read of watching Rumpole give an excellent lesson while the story characterizes her as the bad guy (we’ve been down this road before...). 

Outside of that rude entrance, I don’t think Rumpole does much wrong here, but it becomes clear by the end of the chapter that she’s someone we’re meant to dislike. 

She begins her lesson by pointing out that “Before you got here, some of you were trained to rely on your teams. But what do you do when your team is gone and you’re on your own?” Yes! Excellent point! Just like Scarlet needs to know how to fight on sand while living in a desert, every huntsmen needs to know how to defend themselves solo in case they’re separated from their team, their team is knocked out, or they’re killed. Wasn’t Sun alone at the start of this novel? Didn’t Ruby fall through the floor into a White Fang hideout by herself? Wasn’t Blake out in the woods alone when she encountered Adam? In each case they either sought out additional help or help thankfully arrived in time — you should strive to have backup — but in the case that there’s none to be found, how well can you defend yourself? It honestly shocks me that these talented, experienced fighters so often reject learning something that’s so obviously useful, whether we’re talking about Ruby telling Ozpin they already know how to fight, or Scarlet scoffing at fighting on sand in Vacuo.

Rumpole also says that they need to learn how to fight without their weapons.

“The room filled with whispers. Fight without weapons? In Weapons Training? Is she kidding?”

See, this is the kind of nonsense I’m talking about. Are you telling me that none of these fighters have ever lost their weapon in battle? It’s never broken (Blake)? That they can’t reach the basic conclusion of their fists being a weapon too? Too often RWBY introduces entirely unnecessary reactions that don’t fit with the characters’ intelligence, experience, and overall world view. They say and do ridiculous things in the context of their fictional lives. I could bring up a Volume 8 “Divide” example, but I’m trying to keep these recaps spoiler free. For those of you who have seen the premiere though, you likely know what Ruby moment I’m talking about. 

So the whole class is upset for an incredibly stupid reason. Scarlet has gone from his usual grumpy to downright pissed. Things only go from bad to worse when Rumpole chooses Velvet to fight Nebula.

“Oh, come on!” Coco said, intervening for her former teammate.

What exactly is the problem here? According to Scarlet it’s that they’re on the same team. “This is so not cool,” he whispers to Coco. He believes they “shouldn’t be forced to fight each other,” but why? He admits freely that they’ve all fought against peers before. What do they think this is? It’s just another sparing session. Apparently the distinction is “with the intent of beating them, especially in front of an audience.” So when sparing you normally don’t intend to win? Or if you spar no one can be there to see you do it? Both of those defeat the purpose of sparing in the first place: to improve, partly by receiving feedback. 

Arslan provides a bit of clarification with “They should not fight each other. We’re teammates, and we have to learn to work together. This just undermines that goal” but that is a staggeringly narrow view of what it means to “work together.” Frankly, a worrisome one too. Are team relationships truly so fragile that they can’t handle a little competition? You wouldn’t think so given the continuing message of teams as friends, family, and coworkers — those relationships are rock solid — yet Arslan seems to believe that a single exercise would undermine all that. There might have been some justification if she’d specifically brought up the problem of fighting new team members, prior to forming those bonds, with the added difficulty of working with people who might not think much of you yet… but she doesn’t. No one here seems to think that teammates should fight, period.

So then what do we make of Ruby vs. Oscar in Volume 5? That’s almost the exact same setup, with two teammates fighting one another, one of whom is new and hasn’t formed a solid bond, in front of an audience, with an instructor — Ozpin — evaluating their performance. Do we honestly believe that because Ruby got frustrated for a hot second that any care she had towards Oscar evaporated?

Is Team CRDL incapable of fighting beside Pyrrha in the Battle of Beacon because she absolutely kicked their ass in class? Does Weiss grow to hate Winter because she beat her during training? Of course not.  There is something to be said for an institution that constantly pits teammates against each other in a manner that interferes with the ability to form those bonds… but this isn’t it. This is a single exercise for students who are currently shocked that they’d ever need to fight solo/without a weapon, so they clearly need the lesson, yet their reactions are extreme. Coco yelling, Scarlet muttering about how bad this is, both of them praising Arslan like she stood up against an actual attack on Velvet — “Good for you, Arslan,” Coco whispered. Now there’s a leader for you, Scarlet thought. — and Yatsuhashi is going so far as to stand in front of Velvet to protect her. They’re all acting like Rumpole told them to engage in a death match, not do the exact thing they’ve come to this school for: learn how to fight.

So yeah, that all is exceptionally weird imo and feeds into the general sense that Rumpole is the supposed to be the bad guy here, but it’s not done persuasively. She’s oh so evilly making them fight one another, evilly smiling about it, evilly telling Coco that that’s enough… though none of this is actually, you know, evil. The closest we get is a moment when Rumpole “haughtily” says that “In the heat of battle, a weak teammate can be worse than the most powerful enemy,” which frankly comes out of nowhere given that she’s responding to Arslan’s criticism of the test as the whole. If you say, ‘We shouldn’t fight other because we need to learn to work together’ and your teacher responds with ‘Weak teammates are more dangerous than your enemy,’ that’s very nearly a non sequitur. Yeah, the general subjects of teammates and fighting are the same, but otherwise these points seem to belong to different conversations. What Rumpole says in the context she says it is nearly nonsensical and serves only to make her look cruel. She tosses out a startling truth unprompted, leaving the reader going, “Wow! Rumpole is awful!” unless they’re inclined to consider whether any of that makes sense.

That moment with Coco did catch my attention though, simply because we’re told that Rumpole’s eyes flashed and then Coco gasped, cluing Scarlet into the fact that she’s not as “unshakable as she usually let on.” That’s another extreme reaction to a tame event, as well as the second time this chapter that we’ve heard about Rumpole’s flashing eyes, the first occurring in the flashback when she was displeased with Sun. So perhaps it’s something involving her Semblance? I’d look it up, but I kind of what to be surprised in the next 173 pages. Got to find things to look forward to in all this lol. 

One the group realizes that they do actually have to fight one another (the horror) Velvet and Nebula give up their weapons. As expected, Nebula jokes about how she hasn’t lost anything, “What good’s a camera in a fight, anyway?” which produces applause from other Shade students. Right, because Velvet got into a top academy and survived the Fall of Beacon without a weapon. I’m not sure if this is just bullying for the sake of bullying, outside the bounds of logic, or if these students, living in their magic-infused, crazy tech world, legitimately can’t reach the conclusion that Velvet uses photos as a weapon, even if they can’t figure out how. Either way, it’s not endearing, but at least this time my reaction aligns with what the text is aiming for. Rumpole tells them to “Save it for the arena” with “a hard edge in her voice,” but of course no one comments on when she sticks up for Velvet. Asking her to complete a simple exercise results in fury, but telling her own students to leave the newcomer alone results in silence. Seems about right.

The fight finally begins and it’s a tad underwhelming. There’s nothing specifically wrong with it—nothing that stands out on first read through anyway—it just not a particularly compelling action sequence. Any interesting tidbits are seen in the dialogue instead. Nebula continually establishes herself as another Mean Girl character, taunting Velvet with how she’s “been wanting to do this for a while” and how “fun” it is to fight her. The spectators, specifically Scarlet and Coco, comment on how Velvet is able to use her semblance outside of the hard light weaponry. Here, she draws on moves from “Pyrrha Nikos, Yang Xiao Long, and even Sun.”

Pyrrha 😭😭😭😭

Why the “even” though? 😒

Coco summarizes her style by saying that “Velvet may fight like a lot of different people, but no one else fights like Velvet.” I quite like that. Velvet is a living embodiment of being more than just the sum of your parts.

As the fight continues Nebula’s taunts grow more vicious, saying that she is better than Velvet because “We left Beacon because we knew it was a lost cause.” Beyond that just being a horrific thing to say, I want to ward off any potential comparisons between our Volume 7 conflict and this statement. RWBY might be trying to draw a parallel between the mean student who would abandon her school and the villainous general who would abandon his city (depending on how my Myers knew about upcoming plotlines), but there’s a huge difference between fighting a grimm army and fighting Salem herself with a grimm army. Velvet and the others were absolutely correct to fight for Beacon because they had a shot at taking it back. A slim one, but a shot nonetheless. Volume 7 provided none of that in regards to Team RWBY’s stance.

This remark does its job though and soon after Velvet becomes stuck in the sand, distracted and upset. Rumpole goes full Mean Teacher then, telling them to keep going. In fact, she quickly becomes the only mean person in the room because the formerly feuding teams are all banding together in Velvet’s defense and even Nebula randomly demonstrates honor—

(sorry I had to)—in how she approaches Velvet now: “[she] reached a hand down to help Velvet up.” Rumpole is clearly meant to be the enemy here, uniting friends, bullies, and even Sunnybrook too. Thing is, it’s once again not that bad? I’m not going to pretend that she isn’t harsh. Too harsh for a normal school? Absolutely. Too harsh for a combat school where these students are learning how to defend themselves from monsters and murderers during a war? Ehhh. Rumpole says that Velvet “beat herself” because “You don’t stop fighting until you can’t fight anymore.” That’s true. Within the context of a school exercise where everyone knows they’re safe and can stop the battle at any moment, it feels finished when Velvet gets stuck, but an actual life or death fight? Do we really think Velvet would stop trying to defend herself, passively staring up at her attacker while they do whatever they please with her? Of course not. She’d either find a way out or she’d go down fighting. You’re telling me that students who frequently break apart stone or, in Ruby’s case, blast through steel doors specifically meant to keep people inside can’t punch downwards and free themselves from some sand? Are the pieces of either of their weapons anywhere within reach? Can Velvet trick her attacker, pretending to be down for the count and then lashing out when she gets close? At the very least, as we saw with Sun’s first encounter this novel, can she talk enough to buy herself time until others arrive to help. Obviously there’s no arriving in this structured exercise, but the point is to try. Rumpole is telling them not to stop trying — to treat this exercise seriously (which they haven’t done from the start) — and they’re throwing back that challenging Velvet to get creative is too mean? In the same way that the students shouldn’t be pit against each other 24/7, they shouldn’t be pushed to their limit 24/7 either… but for once class? One lesson? When they know an attack is on the way and have already watched people die?

See, this is why I can’t take this cast seriously as the leaders of this war. When we’ve got scenes like this the characterization — whether intentional or not — is that they’re not nearly as devoted to their and others’ safety as they should be. Such characterization is fine when one group isn’t conducting a secret investigation, the other hasn’t been given licenses early, and both haven’t been through a battle that cost them the lives of numerous friends. But when they have experienced all these things, you have to wonder what they’re doing complaining about a teacher who says, ‘Hey, don’t just roll over and accept defeat.’ 

Eventually Coco, Yatsuhashi, Fox, and Arslan step in front of Velvet to keep the fight from continuing. Yatsuhashi pulls her from the sand and when free “she pushed his hands away.” That’s the other thing: no one seems interested in what Velvet wants. They all speak for her in deciding that she can’t and shouldn’t fight anymore.

As a suggested change, I would have liked this so much more if we have the group uncomfortable with the fight continuing, Velvet insisting that she can keep going, and then she asks them for help. Rumpole never laid down a hard rule that this was a 1v1 fight. That’s the unspoken assumption, yeah, but she speaks far more about them not using their weapons. If Velvet had called for reinforcements, so to speak, and the group had dropped their weapons before entering the sandpit, it would have arguably just been an extension of what they learned in reinitiation: “The only rule is survival.” Allies are right here, why wouldn’t she use them? Friends of Nebula step forward to back her up, Rumpole puts a stop to things before it becomes an all out brawl, she compliments Velvet for bending the rules to her advantage, and reminds everyone that this is why it’s so important to learn to work with their new teams: they’re your lifeline so long as you have them. Honestly though, a RWBY story that doesn’t make everyone over 30 out to be a literal or personal villain? Unrealistic.

What Rumpole does instead is remind them that they have to be prepared for the worst and the unexpected to happen. They no longer have the excuse of “No one could have predicted that”: “We know a threat is out there. We know it’s coming to Vacuo. To not prepare for that eventuality would be irresponsible, dangerous, and naïve.” Exactly! Too bad no one else wants to think about that truth. Instead, Scarlet mentally criticizes her for the “cheap shot” and Coco waylays Sunnybrook to ask if she thinks Rumpole seems alright. Of course, Sunnybrook agrees that she’s being too hard on them. She’s “mean” now and “picking on” Velvet.

It astounds me that these characters are grieving over their murdered friends in one chapter and then going ‘You’re mean to challenge us in training :( ’ the next. Don’t any of them want to defend themselves the next time? Or avenge their lost peers? Whatever other faults RWBY has, I think they did right by Jaune and Ren by making the former (briefly) Cinder obsessed and the latter angry that they’re going to a party rather than training. Going too far in those directions obviously isn’t healthy, but neither is demonizing the instructor trying to keep everyone alive. It’s the same underlying problem as Ironwood’s antagonism in Volume 7: armies and threats of martial law are a problem when there isn’t a justified emergency for them. RWBY has, time and time again, given us that emergency in a variety of ways, so why do the characters act as if they’re living in our world where such measures are extreme? 

It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to, I’m sure. That’s where we leave the cast though, with Scarlet thinking about how “As long as they were here, every day was going to be a bad day in Vacuo.” Fantastically emo ending for this long and frustrating chapter. I am massively behind on my NaNoWriMo challenge thanks to normal RWBY Recaps, but this? This was a substantial boost. If you somehow made it to the end of all this please accept my virtual cookies. 

I’d share the actual gingersnaps I made if that were possible :(

Alright. I’ve kept you all here long enough. Until next time! 💜

[Ko-Fi]

[thewhitefluffyhat]

No, Alina Isn’t Crazy

Let me explain...

When Alina was first introduced, I thought she was the character that made the least sense as an actual person rather than as a trope-y “mad artist” archetype.  But after the reveal of her backstory, I find her personality and motivations do make sense, especially when you consider the events of Alina’s Magical Girl Story from her perspective.  

Indeed, since that story’s release on JP, she’s quickly risen to become my favorite new character from Magia Record.  Hence why I’m posting this today - it’s another semi-Magia Rapport related post, haha.  Alina is definitely my favorite of the Forest element characters, and perhaps this essay will show a little of why that is.

Provocative title and Magia Rapport aside, though, what’s actually below the "Keep reading” is a close read analysis essay, specifically focused on Alina’s MGS.  (A lot of Holy Alina’s MGS serves to confirm and reinforce little points scattered throughout this too, but this post was long enough without it!)

Introduction

The theme of Alina’s own art might be “Alina’s beauty” and “life, death, and emotion/decay.”  But I would argue that the theme of her MGS as a when taken as a short story is “voyeurism and objectification at the cost of self-identity.”  Specifically, how Alina’s actions and personality are the logical conclusion to that concept taken to an extreme.

There’s one important truth to Alina’s world, and that is the idea that Alina’s art IS Alina.  We see it at the start – when she says her art is what she enjoys and what she grasps with her own hands.  We see it at the end – with her realization that her art’s theme is “Alina’s beauty.”

And at the end of the day, what MGS Alina most seems to want is to be left alone to do art, to be herself.  But who is Alina?

Alina the Teen Prodigy

Unfortunately for Alina, her fame gets in the way of figuring that out.  Such is the life of a teen prodigy.  As perhaps can be expected, constantly parading children under a spotlight is a great recipe for turning out extremely high-strung kids with very warped self-esteem.

(See also: Nemu, but especially Touka.)

The exchange regarding the award here is a good illustration of that mindset.  It might initially seem contradictory for Alina to work desperately hard to win an award that she later doesn’t want and claims she wasn’t aiming to win.  But once being “gifted” becomes central to your identity, winning an award doesn’t feel good anymore.  It feels more like running in place, just the bare minimum expected of you to maintain your identity as a genius.  And Alina’s perfectionism means she can’t not hold herself to that standard.

Indeed, Alina is already showing signs that she’s struggling under the pressure and overexposure.  Normally, Alina seems to love talking about art and her own works (as long as it isn’t about herself, anyway).  Arguing with her teacher and running away are far more of a bother and interfere with her ability to get back to painting far more than a quick meeting would have been.  Yet she curses at her teacher, bolts, and skips school rather than have to deal with the consequences of her fame again.

She’s irrationally lashing out, asserting her boundaries in whatever way she can. And with the way the characters react, this doesn’t even seem like the first time it’s happened, either...

Which suggests Alina’s problems with her fame also aren’t new.  When we first meet her, Alina is already a lot closer to a breakdown than she appears on the surface.

Having natural talent from an early age, Alina probably hasn’t learned how to deal with failure without spiraling into a full blown identity crisis.  As a perfectionist, she’s also hypersensitive to even the slightest mistake.  And given that she’s been famous for a few years at this point, her acting out is practically expected.

Just given the setting that she’s a well-known child prodigy, it’s not surprising that Alina has all these traits.

Alina’s Adults Are Useless

What is a bit disturbing, though, is that adults around Alina aren’t any help in protecting her from her fame.

Indeed, from what we see, the pattern is the opposite - over and over, the supposedly “responsible” adults in Alina’s life say her visibility matters more than her consent.  Her teacher pressures her into competitions she dislikes and then gets on her case when she pushes back.  Her parents put up her whole life story, including photos of her as a kid, without Alina’s approval or even permission. 

Jumping ahead, I think it’s rather telling that Alina manages to destroy all her art, commit suicide, and get rescued by a third party – and none of these adults even visit her.  A popular theory is that Alina’s parents are travelling in a different country.  But - did no one tell them?  Did they not care?  As it is, anything Alina does – even blatant red flags like destroying a classroom and her own art – is treated as just another work of artistic genius, to be advertised and exhibited.  

(Because apparently nothing says High Art like creep shots of a teenage girl having a mental breakdown.)

Of course, Alina isn’t being neglected or abused like Sana or Yuma.  Not even close.  But she’s not in a great situation either.  She doesn’t really have anyone she can turn to in a crisis.  The adults in her life mostly use her for their own ends, reinforcing that her worth is in her fame as an artist, not her value as a person.

Alina’s Peers Aren’t Much Better

Then, on a more subtle level, there are Alina’s peers.  Whenever she’s mentioned by people her own age, she’s either the subject of scary rumors or glowing admiration.  Other kids know her as a celebrity name to be idolized or feared, not a person.  

Before becoming a magical girl, the only person who actually makes an effort to befriend Alina is Karin.  But even she is initially caught up in the aura of Alina’s fame and contributes to the swirl of gossip around her.

The result is a situation where everyone around Alina has their own opinion on who she is.  No one seems to care or leave space for who Alina wants herself to be.  And Alina, not having a social life to fall back on, is increasingly left with “genius artist” as the only means she has to interact with the world.  It’s a self-reinforcing spiral.

The Critic’s Letter

First, what it’s not: this isn’t about Alina getting a bad review and not being able to handle criticism of her work.  She’s already won the competition.  And Alina is perfectionistic to unhealthy levels - she’s already her own worst critic.

Rather, the letter’s insinuations are both subtler and crueler.  As Alina says, the critic isn’t concerned with her artwork - he’s commenting on Alina as a person.   Thus, the critic’s words are the same pattern as before, now crystallized into its sharpest and purest form.

Alina’s internal sense of identity is precariously fragile.  Meanwhile, Alina’s external identity is being used as a canvas for other people’s desires.  Even though all Alina really wants is to create art for her own sake, other people obsess over and dump their own meaning (or lack of meaning) onto her works.

Once again, Alina’s art is conflated with Alina herself.  The person is being evaluated as a piece of art.

As if that wasn’t enough, the letter’s final insinuation that Alina is losing her brilliance is a triple threat.  If she can’t create great art, Alina loses the activity she enjoys most. She also loses the one thing she knows other people value her for.  And worst of all, she loses the only touchpoint she has for her sense of self.

Cue existential crisis.  Alina’s life is Alina’s art.  Alina’s art is Alina life.   Without one, she doesn’t have any concept of the other.  

And in the light of all this, her suicide makes perfect sense. 

Alina’s Suicide

Welcome to the literal and figurative objectification of Alina.  Literal, in that she’s turning into a corpse.  Figurative in that by putting her body up for display, she’s allowing people to voyeuristically consume it –  an idea further reinforced by the “Kusouzu / Nine Phases” reference in the title implying a tinge of sexual objectification as well. 

Now that she’s destroyed all of her previous works, the only thing Alina leaves her audience to look at is Alina herself.  Filming her body as it turns from a person into a dead object was simply the logical conclusion to a life of being displayed, objectified, and overwritten by others’ perceptions.  

But how does Alina feel about this ending?

The day of her suicide, Alina rushes around in a kind of manic euphoria.  This isn’t especially odd.  After all, it’s not uncommon for a suicidal person to outwardly appear happier before they make an attempt, as finally having a concrete plan of action can feel like a huge relief.  

Dying means a solution to Alina’s worries about her talent fading.  Dying also means an end to all the pressure, all the constant struggle of performing to ever-heightening expectations.  Alina can simply abandon the cases and tools once she’s done with them - no need to stress about the future when she won’t have one.

Alina’s farewell, though, betrays darker emotions.  It’s simultaneously deeply spiteful - “this is what you all wanted from me, are you happy now?” - yet also an admission of utter defeat.  Alina is giving up her very humanity and selfhood to be evaluated as whatever her audience wants.

Throughout the story, everyone keeps telling Alina that her art is intoxicating, pulling the viewer into it… but the reality is the exact opposite.  Alina’s art was just something Alina made for herself, and any intoxicating meaning was something the viewer injected into it.  

And thus, Alina’s revelation.  Alina’s theme is “Alina’s beauty” – both a rejection and an embrace of that objectification.  Now, Alina has declared that her art loudly and unabashedly about herself, viewer projection be damned.  And yet, at the same time, since “Alina” is what viewers are obsessed with seeing, then Alina will give them exactly what they want…

An Artistic Failure?

So then why does Alina consider her final art to be a failure?  It fits well within the theme of “Alina’s beauty.”   Indeed, her later works like “Humanity’s Implicit Reward” and even her swimsuit are arguably just softer variations of the “Alina’s body as forbidden yet alluring object for the viewer to consume” idea that is present here.

This suicide also seems to fit into the “life and death” motifs she has.  It’s a twisted kind of resurrection - effectively, she’s killing herself as a human in order to live on eternally as a memorable piece of art.

Alina plans her final work directly because she thinks she’s dying as a creator.  Rather than face her brilliance fading, she chooses to defy it by going out in a blaze of glory.  And when put that way, it’s an exciting and fitting conclusion.  

There’s just one little problem with that narrative...

While drifting between life and death, Alina realizes the critic was wrong.  She had a theme all along.  Alina’s brilliance wasn’t fading.

And thus, since she wasn’t a “dying artist,” her “going out in a blaze of glory” no longer holds any profound meaning.  She’s just a silly teenager who got too worked up over a harsh letter.

The overall concept behind Alina’s last work wasn’t the issue.  The failure was in the timing and execution, killing herself before such a thing had meaning and in a way such that her body would be found.

And so, I don’t think Alina has learned her lesson here.  I don’t think Karin’s words have gotten through to her yet.  If she concludes at a later point that her talent is truly is fading or that she’s lost her theme, I’d fully expect her to pull another suicidal stunt again.

Conclusion

So the good news: Alina lived!  She’ll have plenty more chances to create art and figure herself out!

But the bad news: Alina’s revelation implies she’s now even more reliant on her identity as a genius artist.  

And thus, like so many other characters, the end to Alina’s MGS isn’t really an ending. She hasn’t solved the problem at the heart of the crisis that led to her wish.  Becoming a magical girl and discovering witches does nothing to stop Alina from falling into another identity spiral, nor has she left her suicidal tendencies behind.

Alina found her theme, but she still hasn’t found herself.

Misc Details

Some other neat miscellaneous details that fit with this interpretation:

I’m glad the English translation keeps at least a little of the quirky way Alina refers to herself.  (That being said, in Japanese, it’s even more exaggerated - she doesn’t use normal first person pronouns at all, only using “Alina.” )

Because on the one hand, this is an obvious hint at her extreme narcissism: Alina’s sentences frequently emphasize her name.

On the other hand, it’s a great subtle detail to return to the theme of objectification.  To put it another way, Alina refers to herself in third-person.  That is, even when Alina is speaking about herself, she reflexively frames it from the point of view of another person.  Because Alina is constantly having other people’s perspectives forced onto her!

Also, it turns out the pattern of others projecting onto Alina is present in her witch as well!  “Old Dorothy” is a historical figure whose diaries have been analyzed by multiple different researchers.  Some of them came to the conclusion that Dorothy was definitely a witch, others came to the conclusion she was definitely a normal, upstanding member of her community.  The researchers got completely opposite results from the same exact diaries.  So therefore - did they truly care about learning what Dorothy was really like?  Or were they just out to prove their own theories?

(Two years in, Old Dorothy is even more fitting of a name.  Doroinu basically predicted the entire fan response to Alina.  Some people see her as an evil (w)itch, some people see her as a sympathetic figure - all from looking at the same text.

We’re even starting to see the “two sides” of Alina come up in the Main Story, with Karin’s subplot in Arc 2.)

Meanwhile, Old Dorothy’s form - a “paint tube” - carries both this “paint over with your perceptions” meaning while also suggesting the same story as Alina’s final piece in miniature.  

Unlike Izabel, Alina’s witch form isn’t that of an artist.  Because when Alina hits her lowest point of despair, she no longer considers herself to be an artist.  She believes the only value she has left is to become literal materials to create art.  

In other words, Old Dorothy is Alina turning herself into art again.  It’s just rainbow paint this time instead of red.

Last but not least: yes, I am absolutely aware of the irony of this essay.   Here I am rambling about how Alina’s story is all about her struggle to be herself while everyone seems determined to erase her in favor of their own projections – and yet  a good chunk of this interpretation is probably my projecting on her.   Whoops!

Still, even if you disagree with it, I hope this essay was interesting and maybe made you question some of your assumptions about Alina.  

Thanks for reading!

[ambitionsource]

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

[sepublic]

Your character analysises are so cool. I was wondering if you can do one for Amity. I chose her since she made a lot of appearance so you will have lots of canon events to work on:>

Sorry for the late response!

This is KIND OF a big challenge, and I’ve already done multiple posts analyzing Amity’s character before. So for now, let me just try to quickly summarize it all up, with what we’ve learned since Adventures in the Elements, and give my overall views on Amity and how I see and write her;

The impression and vibes I get from Amity is that she’s the kind of kid who’s got a lot of pressure on them to do well both at school and at home. They’re really desperate for the approval of older, authority figures like teachers and adults, in part because this sort of kid is lonely and doesn’t know how to make friends. This kid is likely to push friends away, not only because of pressing from adults to be better and not dragged down and prevent bad influences (a dilemma made only worse by her trouble-making siblings), but also because she likely has insecurity and self-loathing issues and doesn’t think she’s ‘good enough’, either for her own accomplishments or friendship in general. She kind of gives me Impostor Syndrome vibes. She’s mean to people like Luz both because she feels like she can’t be distracted, but also because Amity doesn’t really believe people would un-ironically want to be her friend, so to avoid being hurt she pushes others away.

Obviously, this is not doing good for her self-esteem and she’s lonely. Emira and Edric’s teasing has likely contributed to Amity being afraid of opening up, and if it’s with adults who have a lot of expectations on her, I guess it’s not a surprise she tends to be emotionally stifled. She definitely has Gifted Child syndrome where she places a lot of self-worth on being that ‘mature, obedient’ kid that the adults all love, with Amity not realizing this will only result in her emotional stagnation and lack of maturity later on in life from a lack of proper social interaction. Tellingly, when placed into bad situations that are arguably more the fault of an adult/teacher, she never blames them for it, and instead externalizes her anger on someone else involved. Amity has a huge respect for authority, which is likely connected to her desire to be in the Emperor’s Coven. Aside from membership in the Emperor’s Coven representing approval on the highest societal level, access to all forms of magic (she likes Azura and whatnot), and approval of the adults who set Amity on her path, it’s also likely that she thinks that she can friends, or at least others like her in the EC. To Amity, the Emperor’s Coven probably consists of what her parents and others may deem as ‘acceptable’ friends.

Naturally, a combination of insecurity, high expectations, and terrible social interaction has also led to Amity being a bit of a bully, but only in a reactionary sense; She doesn’t seek out drama like Boscha would. If she’s left alone, then she’ll leave you alone; But if she feels like you’re messing with her, Amity WILL be aggressive. With Willow, she also goes out of her way to ‘help’, but it’s obvious that she’s echoing a lot of bad tactics that seeks to remind a person of their failures; So it’s probable that the same things she said to Willow in her first appearance, were similarly said to Amity herself by her own mentors. Likewise, Amity’s self-doubt probably leads to her bullying Willow, because in her mind, she deserves to feel good about herself, and the elitist attitude she was taught has likely told her that people like Willow who do badly in school are just lazy and ‘deserve’ their bad grades.

Still, there’s that incessant loneliness. And while Amity does try to be super-mature, and live up a standard of rules -such as respecting hard work- and so forth... She’s also really freaking lonely, which is why she initially tries to reconnect with Willow in Episode 3. She’s not sure what to think of Luz because again, Amity doubts anyone would un-ironically be invested in her, and also because Emira and Edric likely tend to act friendly, then mean, and then brush it all aside afterwards; So she has trust issues and isn’t sure if she can trust Luz and open up to her. Amity’s a very closed-off individual.

And amidst all of her obsession with hard work and the pressure on her, I get the impression that Amity isn’t necessarily talented like her siblings or Willow, and actively has to work hard for her grades? Granted, it could just be because she’s expected to be the best at everything, but there’s also the possibility that she lacks talent and has to make up for it through sheer determination. Which, combined with expectations placed on her, both as a Blight and also because adults know she’s less likely to complain and act out and do as she’s told, it just gets very uncomfortable. Amity needs a place to be herself, but alone, because she doesn’t think anyone would really accept her, for who she really is?

(I mean, we all know at least ONE person...)

At the same time, while she definitely has to try and not just ace everything effortlessly, I also think she genuinely loves and enjoys school, education, and teaching in general; It’s just that making it into a standardized grading system sucks the joy out of it all, as Eda might say. Amity enjoys reading to those kids in Episode 7, and there was a promotional crossover post prior to the show’s premiere about Amity trying to pitch an educational series and being saddened when she got rejected. This girl is a total dork, as if her love for Azura wasn’t already enough!

I also think it’s why in Adventures in the Elements, she becomes a lot more open to Luz, happier around her, and even sort of initiates social connection by waving her hand at Luz at one point! She’s afraid of rejection and loneliness, of not being good enough... But Luz is someone who likes Amity just as she is. And I think Amity is a little anxious to be on Luz’s good side, to not mess up with her like she did Willow (which, Amity may still have reservations about being friends with Willow again... Even if her biases were gone she might still feel guilty, and/or get defensive when called out on her behaviors because Amity feels like she has to defend what adults have told her to do). I think she’s also afraid of getting taken advantage of, given her hurt expression when she found Luz with her Training Wand... But at the same time, she doesn’t want to throw away a friend because she’s been so lonely and found someone with a mutual interest. So in addition to that and Luz’s previous kindness, she’s still concerned for her, and it pays off when Luz comes back to help Amity!

TLDR; This is a lonely, insecure kid who has a lot of pressure on her and doesn’t know how to talk to people, so she internalizes a lot of stuff and ends up becoming off-putting as a result, because she doesn’t want to be hurt. But by the end of the day she’s a still total dork and a dweebus and wants friends and still feels guilt for being mean, but because of expectations on her to be better, Amity feels like she has to prove herself and that also leads to her not wanting to hang out with the ‘wrong friends’ as a result. She’s coped with loneliness by vying for adult approval, and likely operates on a strong sense of right and wrong. She has been hurt before, and her interactions with her siblings make talking with people a lot more confusing to Amity; I wouldn’t be surprised if someone might make a joke or something, and Amity, totally-serious and deadpan, would take them at their word for it and not realize said person was joking.

In short, I love her alongside everyone else in this show-

[enlightened-leader-success-vault]

Relationships - How our relationship with ourselves impacts on our relationships with others

The relationship we have with ourselves is based on a number of things, our genetic make up and hormonal and chemical balance – (nature), how we are bought up – (nurture) and on our interpretation of all our experiences both positive and negative, throughout our lives.

Every experience we have is filtered through our senses and through the set of principles by which we measure any experience. Let me give you some examples.

You are in a park. It is a beautiful day. A large hairy dog comes galloping up to you, tongue lolling out. Do you think “What a great dog, isn’t it friendly?” or “Oh no, that great brute is coming for me, look at its huge mouth …!”

You are in the same park sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine. A stranger comes and sits next to you on the bench. They say “Hello” and try to start up a general conversation. Do you think “Friendly person” and make general conversation with them or think “What do they want? Must move away as I feel threatened”.

Neither response is better or worse than the other but how you respond to outside experiences with make a huge difference to what you expect out of life, the way you live and enjoy your life and the sort of relationships you create with others.

It is important to understand that you can radically change the relationship you have with yourself if you choose to do so. Patterns of belief which have run the way in which we behave can be changed quite radically. It is actually a matter of conscious choice. We can create our dream life or live a nightmare existence or anywhere between the two.

To exercise choice you need to be very clear about what you believe and the impact that has on the way you behave. To do that you need to audit the status quo honestly and to decide which parts are serving your needs well.

Once you identify the things which are working well you can protect them and use them as a model for other positive beliefs and behaviors.

Once you identify those old beliefs and patterns of behaviour which do not serve your best interests you can face them, deal with them and create more positive and productive beliefs and behaviours in their place. You may think that the process sounds simplistic and unlikely but I guarantee that it can be done by anyone who has a real desire to improve their life and their relationships. You may find it easier to have the support of a life coach to help you navigate through any stormy waters.

The relationship you have with yourself has a huge impact on your relationship with others.

Any partnership is really a combination of three relationships. The first two being relationship which each individual has with themselves. The third is the relationship the two people have with one another. Whilst I am going to focus on personal relationships the principles hold true for us in a professional context too.

At its best, a truly loving, interdependent relationship makes us more than we would be as separate independent people. It is based on the principles of win-win. Both parties have a commitment to look for the best way for both parties – they will look for solutions which facilitate growth and trust. The relationships are built on mutual trust and respect and communication is open and ongoing.

At its worst a relationship can be destructive, where power and control play a major part and where there are always winners and losers. Partners constantly strive to get their own way and see giving in as a sign if weakness and defeat. Communication is often sparse or built on misunderstanding. People use the same words but mean entirely different things.

For many people their relationship exists somewhere in the middle ground. There are times when it is great, but that at other times tensions surface and difficulties are experienced usually around particular themes.

Common ones are money, the way one partner treats and values the other, life style and health, work life balance, trust and fidelity (perceived or otherwise). This list is not definitive and often couples have issues around multiple themes which are interrelated.

An example would be concern about work life balance and health. Partner A feels that they spend too much time alone because partner B spends too much time at the office. They feel neglected and unloved. At the same time they are worried about how stressed their partner is and the fact that they drink too much and are carrying too much weight.

If you want to truly understand the relationship with your partner and understand how to make it work even better, you need first to understand the relationship you have with yourself and then need to be open to understanding the relationship your partner has with themselves.

SELF AUDIT

So what sort of relationship do you have with yourself? Think carefully about the following questions. Be as honest as you can. There is no right or wrong answer. The questions are designed to help you understand yourself and your approach to life even better than you do at present.

How do you introduce yourself when you meet someone new at work?

How would you introduce yourself if you were at a party?

Do you still introduce yourself as what you do?

“I’m a financial advisor” or “I work in insurance”

How would you introduce yourself if you were not able to use what you did professionally as part of your description?

Do you find that more difficult?

When you look in the mirror when no one else is about. Who do you see? What sort of person are you? Think about how you would describe yourself to others?

You could start with describing the values you live by: I’m kind, I'm hardworking

I have a strong sense of integrity etc.

What are your unique abilities?

What are you good at?

What do you enjoy doing?

How would you describe yourself physically?

How do you feel about yourself?

Do you like yourself as you are?

How highly do you value yourself?

Do you esteem yourself?

What gives you your sense of worth?

Is just being you - enough?

Do you rely on the opinion of others or on what you can do for others to give you a sense of who you are?

When do you feel the best about yourself? Do you ever feel great about yourself?

Take some time out to think about the times you have felt really good about yourself during your life to date. Are there any common patterns?

Consider the following statements and decide if they are:

Always true? Sometimes true? Never true?

I feel best about myself when I’m at work

I feel best about myself when I’m in social situations

I feel best about myself when I’m in private situations at home

I feel best about myself when I have drunk alcohol

I feel best about myself when I feel I’m in control of the situation

I feel best about myself when I feel I am needed

I feel best about myself when I am doing something for other people

I feel best about myself when I am winning

I feel best about myself when other people notice what I am doing and say well done

I feel best about myself when other people notice what I am doing and say thank you

I only believe I am doing a good job if other people notice and tell me

I always feel physically attractive and good about my body

I believe in myself at all times – I don’t need others to tell me I’m doing well

I believe in myself in the work place – I don’t need others to tell me I’m doing well

I believe in myself socially – I don’t need others to tell me I’m doing well

I believe in myself within my special relationship – I don’t need my partner to reassure me all the time

I’d really like to have a special relationship but I’m not attractive / good enough

The way in which we see ourselves may be very different to the way others see us. We may feel very confident and know our worth in one situation yet feel incredibly inadequate and of little worth in another.

If our sense of self worth is generated more by external verification than by an internal sense of self worth then there is a constant need to be recognized, praised and thanked. When this is achieved it feeds the need for more recognition because it gives us pleasure. When it is not forthcoming it creates a sense of failure and lack of self – esteem which is potentially destructive.

Like all things we need a balance between the extremes. If you are entirely self absorbed and consider yourself perfect in every way it is highly unlikely that you will be the perfect partner, employee or boss. It offers no scope for self improvement or personal growth.

Creating a strong sense of self worth and confidence with a desire to be even better is the ideal. Determining our strengths, learning to love ourselves for who we are – wobbly bits included as a fantastic starting point to creating a wonderful life. If you feel your sense of worth could do with an overhaul – a rebalance, you may find working with a life coach helpful as there are lots of approaches which are tried and tested and could save you much time and effort.

[mentalisttraceur]

Do you read Carl Jung? If so do you have any thoughts on his work?

Just answering this publicly despite already answering it privately (which, as a reminder to everyone else, is always an option - if I don’t answer an Ask or a post reply or whatever, feel free to also ask me in DMs - I might not get around to it there either, but it might get a faster response):

In general, the answer to “do you read [x]?” with me is almost always “no”, usually due to some mix of other priorities and time constraints.

Over the years I have certainly come across and was probably influenced by some of his ideas. Certainly the notion of a collective unconsciousness, or some bastardization of it, was something I remember thinking about as a kid.

I also often found myself reaching for the word “archetype” ever since I learned it in high school (by now it’s just part of the English vocabulary and sorta generalized outside of his meaning, I think), but nowadays I tend to put that word down almost every time I pick it up because

I often don’t think it’s the most accessible nor particularly necessary word for the exact idea I want to say, and

because I don’t trust myself to have yet seen the maximally valuable possible meaning/thinking behind that word, and so I do not want to dilute/distort it.

I think the biggest reason why I delayed responding to this for so long is that I hate not having any substantial thoughts on a topic. I don’t like it. Probably because it’s a huge part of both my internal self-identity and self-esteem and my external source of validation to be the kind of person who can and does have substantial thoughts on anything that matters.

But oh well, I just need to learn to tolerate that. Sometimes there’s just not enough of a priority for me to learn more in-depth about something just to form a substantial opinion on it specifically. There are too many things that matter, and to be honest, the ideas of a person who formed his ideas many decades behind us in raw scientific knowledge base are not something that matter enough to me to prioritize.

Anyway, based on specifically my memories of Jung’s work and just trends from my life, I would probably say my tentative, utterly under-informed thoughts on his work are something like “good, incomplete, might have a few subtle flaws in his ideas, definitely there will be subtle flaws in the typical understanding that people will get from reading his ideas without understanding them as much as he himself did”.

You’ll probably get a much better answer if you ask me what I think about a specific idea, or bring up an idea in conversation in a way that triggers a “here is the exact subtle nuances where it’s wrong” or “here are the not commonly realized ripples/consequences/ramifications/applications of it”.

[autisticlassiedog]

Since no one wants to send me the ADHD asks, once again, I’ll do it myself

1: Are you diagnosed?

Yep.

2: When were you diagnosed?

2018, then last week was reconfirmed

3: How did you find out that you had ADHD?

Found a description of how it affects adults on Tumblr, and it made a lot of sense.

4: What’s your current hyperfixation?

Kinda between them rn? So none. Also I don’t think I’ve truly hyperfixated in a long time.... definitely used to, though.

5: What has been your most intense hyperfixation?

Alvin and the Chipmunks. Got so intense it turned into an addiction that destroyed my mental health for a couple years.

6: How well do you sleep?

As a kid, I always took like two hours to fall asleep, every single night. I have an easier time falling asleep now, but staying asleep has been a problem in the past. I’d wake up every two hours. Right now my problem is hypersomnia, sleeping 12 hours or more.

7: What subtype (inattentive, hyperactive, combined) are you?

Inattentive, but my official diagnosis is combined because that’s what I was as a kid? It’s weird.

8: How do you feel about reading?

I love reading, but it is harder than it used to be tbh. I have to take a break like every five minutes, and remembering to finish a book is kinda hard.

9: How do you feel about podcasts and lectures?

I can listen if it’s a topic I’m interested in I think..... if not, then it’s hard, I tune it out after like 10 minutes or less. Easier if I’m drawing while listening.

10: Were/are you popular in school?

I don’t know if I was popular, but I remember a couple kids were fighting about who got to sit next to me once.

11: What were/are your grades like in school?

Not great, but overall not terrible. I mean, I failed 8th grade cuz of ADHD, but.... I think I got B’s and C’s on average.

12: How long did/do you spend on homework?

Hours. The entire rest of the day. It would be midnight before I could finish, and I had zero free time. 

13: What’s your favorite way to stim?

I love my fidget cube, and the click-and-snap.

14: Is your hyperactivity internal or external?

Was combined as a kid. My hyperactivity was kinda outward, but not like..... bouncing off the walls. I just talked extremely execessively.

15: What’s your favorite memory strategy?

Writing stuff down in my phone notes.

16: Were/are you talkative in class?

Yep. Got in trouble every day for it.

17: Did/do you play a sport?

Not really, but I did enjoy basketball in PE.

18: Have you ever tried ADHD medication?

No, hoping to. But I do take an SSRI, and that actually does seem to help somewhat.

19: What characters do you most identify with?

Mostly kind ones tbh. I can sympathize with characters that are labeled as “lazy”, too.

20: How do you most often fidget?

I sway back and forth when standing. Always feeling or doing something with my hands.

21: What sensory things do you love?

Fidgets. Smooth tings, like river stones.

22: What sensory things do you hate?

Working at the grocery store and experiencing sensory overload from all the people and noise. Bonus points if someone is working the Coinstar machine (it’s super noisy), children are crying, people are chattering..... it’s awful.

23: Do you have any comorbid diagnoses?

OCD, generalized anxiety, seasonal depression.

24: Do others in your family have ADHD?

My bio father. I suspect my mom and brother may, too, but idk.

25: Did you find out you had ADHD as a child, teenager, or adult?

Adult.

26: Are you creative?

I guess. I draw? I have furry OCs?

27: Do you have high, low, or normal self-esteem?

Normal I guess.

28: What did/do your report card comments usually say?

They said stuff like I’m smart but need to pay more attention in class.

29: What piece of media makes you blissfully happy?

Anime with good father/child relationships.

30: Do you doodle in class/meetings?

I used to. Now I mainly use fidgets.

31: Do you self-medicate with caffeine?

I don’t think caffeine does much for me, so no.

32: Do you exercise often?

No. I should....

33: What are you like when you are drunk?

I’ve never been drunk so idk.

34: Do you like writing?

I RP sometimes and in some ways I like the challenge. But overall? Idk.

35: How do you process your thoughts and emotions: internally, verbally, in writing?

Writing.

36: Do you have any friends with ADHD?

Yus!

37: Have you ever been to therapy?

Currently in therapy

38: Did/do teachers like you?

I don’t know. I remember as a kid I was always the one who had emotional breakdowns in 1st grade because I got in trouble over something I said or did. So idk.

39: What is your experience with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)?

I don’t think I experience it tbh.

40: What would you like to say to any person who has just been diagnosed with ADHD?

Learn more about it so you can manage it better! And don’t let imposter syndrome get you down too bad.

[doomedandstoned]

Tripping Through the Void with SUNNATA

It's been four years since Doomed & Stoned visited SUNNATA and my how they've grown in the interim! Three successful independent releases, legendary live performances, an exponentially growing fanbase, and broad critical acclaim have shifted the spotlight on the Warsaw doomers. Long before they became the juggernaut of the heavy underground, we knew them as an exciting upstart called Satellite Beaver. This week, we give Sunnata’s latest collections of songs a thorough going over and speak with Szymon Ewertowski (guitar, vox), Adrian Gadomski (guitar), Michał Dobrzański (bass), and Robert Ruszczyk (drums) about what fuels their fire.

Heart of Storm

By Simon Howard

Polish loners Sunnata offer the melodic pilgrim a ritualistic, dark, heavy journey into the atmospheric Outlands, hypnotizing us with an eternal 48 minutes of tripping. Pineal glands will decalcify, doors of perception will be cleansed, and the listener will be enlightened.

Sunnata have been creating a musical Zenith in a blend of genres since 'Climbing the Colossus' (2014) and 'Zorya' (2016). This well-crafted album is hard to believe, in the fact that this band have only been around since 2014. Incorrect. Jump in the TARDIS of Tunes, and rewind ourselves back to 2008. Under the moniker of Satellite Beaver, they released two demos and one final EP in 2012, aptly named, The Last Bow. If the reader is not familiar with Satellite Beaver, then you have an amazing musical journey ahead of you.

Outlands by SUNNATA

'Outlands' (2018) was recorded at Monochrom Studio, mixed and mastered by Haldor Grunberg of Satanic Audio, and brilliantly saturated in the artwork by Maciej Kamuda.

I really cannot attest to what was in the Kool-Aid at Monochrom Studio, but the results are spiritually absorbed into the listener's soul. Mind expanding mantras like "Lucid Dream," "The Ascender," and the epically entrancing closing track "Hollow Kingdom" appeal to me on planes we can only experience ourselves. Outlands transitions from mellow meditational hymns to heavenly heavy riffs, blending this album into something transcendental for avid or new fans of Sunnata. This journey will be taken upon by many, and many times. Musical Mecca has been found. The void has been filled.

Soon It Will All Be Gone

A Conversation with Sunnata

Interview by Billy Goate | Photos by Justyna Kamińska

How would you characterize the evolution of sunnata from ‘Climbing the Colossus’ to ‘Zorya’ to your latest record, ‘Outlands’?

It’s been a long way. I would describe it as emotional trip from anger on our debut Climbing the Colossus, through spatial epicness and a need for air on Zorya to introverted melancholia you can dive into on Outlands. In general, we have always been the "sad guys" who were into kind of a gloomy, dark state of mind and soul and our approach towards the music evolved along with our skills of using instruments to express what we feel inside. That’s why I’d characterize our evolution as a path to greater complexity of emotions, where our debut was the simplest and our latest album the most complicated, emotion-wise.

Are there thematic motifs that the band finds attractive when writing songs? Which themes were most influential on 'Outlands’?

We definitely have become more lyrically confident since our previous album and even though we still consider the role of our lyrics as backing for the rest, I think we can finally admit that Sunnata actually has something to say! (laughs) It might not be your most positive answer ever, but our motifs on Outlands consist of loneliness, despair, the negative influence of religious fanaticism, helplessness, and development of the self and whatever conflict you have inside of you. We dig deep, reopen wounds, and push to get to the core. We prefer fighting yourself to fighting others, until you turn into none.

Are the songs on the new album connected in any way? Is this all a “Lucid Dream” that culminates in a journey into the “Outlands,” with “The Ascender” climbing some forbidden mountain of the gods? And what is the “Gordian Knot” -- an internal fight-or-flight struggle? At the end of the journey, is the prize the conquest of a “Hollow Kingdom”? So many questions!

Sure! Song order always comes last, so we have no intention in putting a story together in any way. However, this sort of lyrical consistency allows us to arrange one after another in a way that triggers certain emotions and impressions. Let’s get through the album piece by piece:

"Lucid Dream" encourages you to give, not to receive; to understand that if you separate your self-esteem from the external world and build value of self and the will to explore, you will grow as a human.

"Scars" is a story of being misled, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned on the one hand, but also a story of growing strength and power to end whatever harms you.

"Outlands" was actually inspired by some politically related events. It's all about sacrifice as a way to bring attention to an idea or social problem ignored before. Too deep to dig into it in a single interview.

"The Ascender" track is focused around any sort of radicalism giving an illusion of being permitted to force your point of view on others. We disagree with anyone’s feeling to be justified for actions that do harm. It’s an illusion that keeps you away from self.

"Gordian Knot" is exactly what you have interpreted: inner struggle -- one that can make you fall apart or disintegrate, in any way.

"Hollow Kingdom" has been chosen as climax, the ending song in praise of emptiness. Its structure, repetitive feeling, and overwhelming melancholia are the best ending of an album we could choose from this track list.

Tell us about the artwork, the artist you chose, and the layers of meaning behind this many-faced wraith?

The only constant is change to us. That’s why this time, instead of going with the magnificent Jeffrey Smith of Ascending Storm once again, we decided to go with another talented artist, Maciej Kamuda, who is also author of Weedpecker and Major Kong artwork. We felt a strong urge to do something different. Deity presented on the front cover is a variation on deep symbolism of Goddess Kali. We didn’t want her to look in a way she’s known from Hinduism. We were inspired more by deep, complex symbolism behind her various forms. If you read about her, you will instantly get it.

One consistent word that comes up in all the descriptions of your music -- live performances especially -- is “ritualistic.” Whether it is the careful setting of the stage, the lighting of the incense, or the hypnotic, trance-like rhythms of the music. What is the importance of ritual for the band and what does this bring to your compositions and performances.

Ritualism in our music comes from trance-inducing forms we create. Immersed in void and drugged with noise, we jam a lot in search of the desired emotion trigger -- we can’t name it, we just get the feeling. If we do, we proceed further. Our work routine and who we are as people actually doesn’t have much to do with dark shamanism, but everything changes once we take instruments and start playing together. It’s similar to being possessed with something. All other details you mentioned -- stage setting, light, clothes, and merch -- are secondary to this and their role is to create certain atmosphere to take people on the journey with us.

I've heard rumors of a music video in the works?

Videos are our curse. We’ve been working on them for every album, but for various reasons all these projects were abandoned. Right now, we are at the beginning of production process for video of "The Ascender" song and we really do hope that it will work out this time. I can’t tell much yet, but we would like the outcome to be something similar to our music -- '90s aesthetics in a psychedelic, doomy setting. We’ll see what time will tell.

Let’s close by giving our readers a peek at your touring plans for 2018 and beyond. What “Outlands” are you off to in the days and months ahead?

We can’t reveal many dates since they are not officially announced yet, but after the our spring tour of Scandinavia with the crazy lads of Boss Keloid, we have various festivals in the summertime confirmed and good perspectives on touring Europe with Dopethrone in October, plus an appearance at Gizzardfest in Rotherham, UK. I believe that best is yet about to come. We just need to follow our own path.

Ruling Land of Emptiness

By Shawn Gibson & Billy Goate

To understand the significance of Sunnata's musical achievements, we need at least a cursory understanding of the soil in which the band is planted. Poland's heavy music scene has been experiencing a surge of activity over the past decade or two, but its music roots are deep-seated and stretch back generations to the darkly complex oeuvre of composers like Frederic Chopin, Leopold Godowsky, Karol Szymanowski, Henryk Górecki, and so many others.

Sunnata's home base of Warsaw encompasses an impressive if turbulent history, evolving from a smattering of villages more than 1400 years ago to become one of the ten largest capital cities in Europe. Warsaw has had more than its share of doom to contend with, too, from disease and famine to regional and global wars -- including the devastating Nazi occupation, which spurred the great underground resistance movement known as the Warsaw Uprising.

Given this context, it's significant that Sunnata has adopted a name representing one of the fundamental principles of Buddhism. Śūnyatā is a transliteration of the Sanskrit word शून्यता (pronounced as "shoonyataa"), which signifies voidness. Think of it as a meditative state of "emptiness" in which the mind is devoid of desire, specifically the stubborn presence of that word we all learn by age two: mine. Śūnyatā involves the diminishing of one's ego, and the band that wears this name has dedicated the better part of a decade to exploring this philosophy through the medium of ritual heavy music.

Photo by Aleksandra Burska

"Hollow Kingdom," the closing track on Outlands, is one example of Sunnata's approach to voidness, with its droning ups and downs and subtle twists. Sunnata let this song be the pedals of a cherry blossom drifting in the breeze. Another highlight is "The Ascender" (my favorite of the record). It's the kind of vessel one imagines boarding to cross over to निर्वाण (nirvana). The backing vocals near the beginning of the song calls to mind prayers and mantras of Tibetan monks. Guitars buzz like propellers, shuttling you along to another plane of existence. The heavy psychedelic vibe and stirring chorus makes for an uplifting experience that is, one imagines, not unlike astral projection. Sunnata are your gurus fixed atop the mountain, lulling you ever closer on an ascendant journey skyward. Along the way, there's an avalanche of emotions.

One imagines the many plagues, fires, wars, and uprisings that might have influenced "Scars." The song strikes a thrash-like tempo, with jazzy cymbals and a psyched-out tambourine. Then, at the five-minute mark, all hell breaks loose with a thundering bassline, fuzzed-out guitars, and a pummeling drumbeat. Doom has come to claim its reign! Similarly, "Gordian Knot" attacks like a nest of pissed-off hornets. Still rocking hard by the two-minute mark, things lighten up for a spell as fuzzy desert riffs and reassuring chants (with those wonderful backing vocals) lull you to sanctuary. The aggressive pace returns, leading to a crescendo of screaming vox to chase every worry from your mind. Only the journey consumes you now.

Taken in sum, Outlands is an exhilarating magic carpet ride, albeit with some turbulence. Sunnata hone the powerful elements of rock and metal like master alchemists, dispensing measured doses of doom, sludge, psychedelic, and stoner, melding them seamlessly, and transcending boundaries only few conceived possible. The heavy doom passages are somehow made even heavier by this psychedelic blend, which brings one closer to a state of voidness.

High spiritual concept meets the earthy might of doom in Outlands. It is the enlightenment of the yogis, the ascension of gurus, a musical Kathmandu. I've visited the temple now multiple times over the course of weeks and months and it continues to be a cathartic experience for me. Outlands will make your heart flutter and embolden your spirit with its mesmerizing riffs and hypnotic rhythms. It will usher you down a river of feeling and bury you in a cascade of sonic desolation. The chants and mantras sent my spirit soaring heavenward. Returning to earth, I felt as if I have been everyplace in existence and at the same time perfectly still, third eye open -- mind, body, and spirit aligned. Awareness is the gift I received from this Outlands. Who knows? In listening, perhaps you will find your own Śūnyatā, as well.

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[auctes]

you know what I want 👀

WELL  HERE’S  A     little  story  i  like  to  call  ‘ touko  fukawa  is  extremely  heterosexual  and ’yeah ,  no .  that’s  painful .

                        SHIPPY - SHIPPY  GET  FLIPPY .       ( FUKAWA  /  KIRIGIRI . )

001.  WHO  IS  MORE  LIKELY  TO  HURT  THE  OTHER ?genocider  is  more  likely  to  physically  hurt  kyouko ,  purely  by  virtue .  she’s  strong ,  she’s  rough ,  and  she’s  not  used  to  applying  herself  physically  in  a  non - lethal  manner .   she’s  more  prone  to  getting  a  little  weird   ( gonna  get  a  little  wild ! ) ,  and  experiences  difficulty  with  moderation .   she’s  a  sadomasochist …  who  doesn’t  really  understand  the  point  of  diminishing  return  on  inflicting  pain  to  elicit  pleasure .

kyouko  is  more  likely  to  emotionally  hurt  touko ,  who  is  a  psychologically  temperamental  person .   while  she  is  a  thousand  times  more  resilient  than  she  used  to  be ,  and  knows  how  to  mediate  her  own  emotional  responses ,  she’s  still  learning  to  entrust  her  heart  to  another  person .  she  occasionally  mistakes  kyouko’s  demeanor  as  one  of  disinterest ,  disgust ,  or  outright  callousness ;  kyouko’s  workaholism  doesn’t  help  matters .  touko  is  prone  to  these  wrongful  assumptions ,  and  is  often  difficult  to  reason  with .

002 .   WHO  IS  EMOTIONALLY  STRONGER ?emotional  strength  is  relative :  both  kyouko  and  touko  exhibit  different  emotional  strengths ,  and  are  equally  prone  to  their  own  respective  weaknesses .  touko  is  far  more  irrational ,  neurotic ,  and  melodramatic ;  kyouko  has  a  tight  hold  over  her  emotions ,  compartmentalizing  them  easily ,  and  often  appearing  as  colder  than  she  is .  each  of  them  depends  on  the  other  for  a  differing  manner  of  emotional  support ;  if  you  asked  them  both  this  question ,  they’d  each  say  the  other  was  stronger .

003 .   WHO  IS  PHYSICALLY  STRONGER ?genocider  is  stronger  than  kyouko ,  who  is  stronger  than  touko .   syo  canonically  exhibits  strange  bouts  of  almost  supernatural  strength ;  like ,  she  could  snap  a  man  over  her  knee  like  a  twig .   kyouko  is  physically  fit ,  which  automatically  makes  her  stronger  than  touko …  who  avoids  physical  activity  like  the  plague .004 .   WHO  IS  MORE  LIKELY  TO  BREAK  A  BONE ?kyouko ,  on  the  condition  that  she  returns  to  field  detective  work .   syo  is  pretty  difficult  to  break  at  all ,  and  touko  actively  avoids  situations  that  could  pose  a  physical  detriment  to  her .

005 .   WHO  KNOWS  BEST  WHAT  TO  SAY  TO  UPSET  THE  OTHER ?touko .   she’s  a  gifted  wordsmith …  who  has  a  habit  of  using  her  powers  with  maleficence .   she  can  hit  pressure  points  with  startling  accuracy ;  it’s  a  defense  mechanism  that  requires  love  &  patience  to  break .  kyouko ,  however ,  is  a  pretty  sturdy  anvil  against  which  to  hammer  this  out :  pettiness  doesn’t  penetrate .   but  if  touko  was  really ,  really  mad …  she’d  probably  be  able  to  pull  some  pretty  choice  punches .

006 .   WHO  IS  MORE  LIKELY  TO  APOLOGIZE  FIRST  AFTER  AN  ARGUMENT ?…  i  back - spaced  on  touko ,  in  favor  of  saying  that  kyouko  might  be  the  first  to  apologize .  she’s  far  more  reasonable  than  touko  is ;  arguments  don’t  fluster  her  in  quite  the  same  way .  she’s  not  as  prone  to  emotional  meltdowns  as  touko .  touko  will  acknowledge  when  she  is  fault ,  but  won’t  immediately  own  up  to  it .  for  the  sake  of  facilitating  a  more  healthy  dialogue ,  ( and  assuring  touko  that  she’s  not  about  to  be  savagely  dumped , )   kyouko  would  seek  to  make  amends  first .

007 .   WHO  TREATS  WHOSE  WOUNDS  MORE  OFTEN ?an  even  split .   kyouko  may  be  more  prone  to  injury  by  default ;  touko ,  who  is  making  progress  in  confronting  her  hemophobia ,  would  voluntarily  expose  herself  to  kyouko’s  injuries  to  combat  her  fear .   touko  has  sustained  some  shockers ,  too …  but  with  syo  out  of  commission ,  the  most  they  really  sustain  is  a  papercut .  until  syo  does  something  fucking  ridiculous ,  like  parkour ,  and  kyouko  has  to  sort  that  shit  out .

008 .   WHO  IS  IN  CONSTANT  NEED  OF  COMFORT ?touko .   she  is  HORRIBLY  insecure ,  despite  how  healthy  and  supportive  this  relationship  is .  her  mentality  was  sculpted  over  two  decades  of  being  crushed  underfoot  by  everyone  around  her ;  it’s  deeply  ingrained  into  touko’s  psyche  that  she  is  worthless ,  disgusting ,  and  detestable .  she  needs  constant  validation  from  kyouko ;  the  constant  reassurance  that  she  is  worthy  of  love  &  affection .   kyouko  provides  this  in  spades :  she’s   brutally  honest ,  which  is  something  touko  understands ,  and  values  above  all  else .  kyouko  expresses  clearly  and  concisely  how  she  feels  about  touko ,  and  is  intuitive  enough  to  be  able  to  do  this  without  needing  to  be  prompted .  honestly  is  the  most  valuable  form  of  comfort  to  touko .  she  needs  that  constant .

009 .   WHO  GETS  MORE  JEALOUS ?woo - hooooooooo ,  that’d  be  touko  again !   with  such  low  self  esteem ,  is  it  any  wonder  that  touko  is  always  expecting  kyouko’s  eye  to  wander ?  she  knows  that  makoto  used  to  have  a  bit  of  a  thing  for  kyouko …  and  yeah ,  we’re  all  friends  here ,  but  if  makoto  ever  gets  too  chummy ,  touko’s  hissing .   i  can’t  imagine  it’s  particularly  comfortable  for  kyouko  to  see  touko  interact  with  togami ,  though …  old  habits  die  hard ,  do  they  not ?   the  reality  is ,  touko’s  always  going  to  be  a  little  bit  in  love  with  togami .  the  nature  of  that  love  is  prone  to  change ,  but  there’s  an  unequivocal  soft  spot  for  him  in  her  heart .

010 .   WHO’S  MOST  LIKELY  TO  WALK  OUT  ON  THE  OTHER ?my  instinctive  answer  was  ‘ neither , ’   but …  kyouko ,  maybe .  touko’s  in  it  to  win  it :  once  you  have  her  heart ,  that’s  it .  it’s  not  hers  anymore ,  and  she  is  loyal  to  the  end .  touko’s  relationship  with  kyouko  is  her  first ,  and  she  intends  it  to  be  her  only :  she  knows  she  won’t  find  another  person  who  truly  loves  her ;  who  appreciates  her ;  who  tolerates  her .  she  is  constantly  fearful  of  kyouko  walking  out .   i  don’t  believe  she’d  ever  do  it ,  unless  she  had  a  very  good  reason …  but  touko  is  simply  less  likely .

011 .   WHO  WILL  PROPOSE ?oh ,  didn’t  i  tell  you ,  miles ?  that’s  touko !   touko  proposes  to  kyouko ,  and  it’s  nothing  like  how  she’d  ever  orchestrated  it  on  paper .   because  this  is  them :  they’re  not  startlingly  romantic .  they’re  not  star - crossed  lovers .  they’re  two  very  broken ,  very  tired ,  very  strong  people  who  are  finding  comfort  in  each  other  in  the  midst  of  a  world  in  rebirth .   they  are  enough  for  each  other .  they  don’t  need  elaborate ,  romantic  gestures .  one  evening ,  when  they’re  getting  ready  for  bed  —   touko  just  looks  up  from  her  work ,  and  tells  kyouko  that  she  doesn’t  intend  on  loving  anyone  else  for  the  rest  of  her  life .  that  this  is  what  she  wants ,  every  night ,  until  she  dies .  and  that  kyouko  doesn’t  have  to ,  if  she  doesn’t  want  to  —   but  hey .  this  is  just …  this  is  it  for  touko .

012 .   WHO  HAS  THE  MOST  DIFFICULT  PARENTS ?tfw  both  sets  of  in - laws  are  dead .   kirigiri  fuhito ,  because  he’s  the  only  one  who’s  still  alive .   not  that  he’d  take  kindly  to  his  granddaughter  dating  a  serial  killer ,  anywho .

013 .   WHO  INITIATES  HAND - HOLDING  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN  PUBLIC ?either  of  them ,  really .  touko  is  far  more  comfortable  with  PDA   ( when  it  applies  to  her ;  she’s  not  here  to  watch  other  people  gnaw  each  others’  faces  off ,  thanks , ) ,  and  genuinely  enjoys  the  physical  contact .  she  likes  showing  kyouko  off :   hello ,  world ,  look  at  my  beautiful  girlfriend ,  you  all  thought  i’d  be  alone  forever ,  but  check  it  the  fuck  out ,  i  sure  showed  you .   kyouko  initiates  hand - holding  as  a  means  of  comforting  touko ;  it’s  a  pacifying ,  supportive  gesture  from  her .  they  initiate  for  different  reasons ,  but  holding  hands  is  nice .  they  both  do  it .014 .   WHO  HOGS  THE  BLANKETS ?neither  of  them .   touko  likes  to  take  up  as  little  space  as  possible ;  in  bed .  at  work .  in  life .   kyouko  is  a  pretty  courteous  sleeper .  they  don’t  exactly  sleep  separately ,  anyway :  touko  will  almost  always  end  up  koala’d  around  kyouko  at  some  point  in  the  night .

014 .   WHO  GETS  MORE  SAD ?who  do  you  fucking  think ?   i  mean …  kyouko  absolutely  has  her  moments .  she  has  the  very  occasional  breakdown ,  because  being  adept  at  hiding  your  emotions  is  not  the  same  as  managing  them  adeptly .   touko  is  a  consistently  gloomy  &  pessimistic  woman ;  a  4 / 10  day  for  some  people  is  deliriously  happy  for  her .  they  both  have  bouts  of  absolute  dejection ,  whether  due  to  internal  or  external  stressors …  bu  kyouko  is ,  ah .  a  little  more  well - adjusted .

015 .   WHO  IS  BETTER  AT  CHEERING  THE  OTHER  UP ?kyouko .   it  doesn’t  take  a  lot  of  effort  on  her  part  to  turn  touko’s  mood  around .  a  compliment  will  do  it ;  a  hug .  a  kiss .  a  hand  on  touko’s  shoulder .   reading  anything  that  touko  is  currently  in  the  process  of  writing ,  just  to  humor  her .   kyouko  is  more  in  tune  with  what  can  leave  a  genuine  impact  on  touko’s  demeanor ,  and  can  studiously  apply  that .  touko …  doesn’t  really  know  where  to  start  when  it  comes  to  comforting  others .

016 .   WHO  IS  THE  ONE  WHO  PLAYFULLY  SLAPS  THE  OTHER  AFTER  THEY  MAKE  SILLY  JOKES ?you’re  assuming  that  either  of  them  have  the  capacity  to  make  silly  jokes .   neither  kyouko  nor  touko  has  a  very  light  sense  of  humor :  while  kyouko  is  dry  &  witty ,  touko  is  self - deprecating  &  morbid .   kyouko  is  more  likely  to  roll  her  eyes  at  touko’s  brand  of  humor ;  a  polite  smile ,  maybe .  touko  always  has  a  death - glare  loaded  for when  she  doesn’t  find  something  amusing .

017 .   WHO  IS  MORE  STREETWISE ?they  both  have  their  moments .  touko’s  time  in  towa  city  really  helps  to  equalize  the  balance  here .   kyouko  was  born  &  bred  in  every  vein  of  intelligence ;  her  intuition ,  her  spacial  awareness ,  and  her  powers  of  observation  give  her  a  definite  edge .   touko  spent  more  time  in  the  field ,  however ;  she’s  a  pretty  adept  peacekeeper ,  when  it  comes  down  to  it .

018 .   WHO  IS  MORE  WISE ?see  above .   both  touko  &  kyouko  posit  their  strengths ;  they’re  both  criminally  intelligent .   they  both  boast  a  tremendous  wealth  of  life  experience  that  should  far  exceed  their  years .   while  kyouko  is  classically  wise ,  owing  to  her  objectivity ,  impartiality  &  rationality ,  touko’s  wisdom  is  deep  and  &  introspective .  she  possesses  a  strong  affinity  for  emotional  reasoning  after  everything .  touko’s  and  kyouko’s  respective  intellectual  strengths  render  them  a  well - rounded  team :  together ,  they’re  pretty  infallible .

019 .   WHO  IS  THE  SHYEST ?i  wouldn’t  term  it  as  shyness ,  but  they  are  both  very  private  people .  they  are  not  interpersonally  focused  when  it  comes  to  matters  pertaining  to  their  relationship .   they  acknowledge  they’re  together ,  but  they’re  not  liberal  with  divulging  details .

they’re  not  exceedingly  shy  with  each  other ,  either ,  because  i’m  not  a  dumbass .  i  know  what  this  question  implies .   they’re  both  pretty  open  about  their  sexual  preferences ,  what  they  like ,  what  they  might  like ,  and  what’s  within  the  realms  of  possibility .   

i  mean …  kyouko’s  read  some  of  touko’s  personal  writings .  do  your  own  addition .

020 .   WHO  BOASTS  ABOUT  THE  OTHER  MORE ?…  genocider  syo .   and  you  know  what ?   fight  me ,  miles .   syo  &  touko  share  their  emotions ,  after  all ,  and  touko  is  simply  head  over  heels  for  kyouko .  she’s  in  love  with  being  in  love ,  and  this  bleeds  over  into  syo …  who  isn’t  exactly  coy .   while  touko  is  overwhelmingly  supportive  in  her  own  quiet  way ,  syo  is …  really  out  there ,  really  doin’  it .   really  singing  kyouko’s  praises ,  ‘cause  have  you  seen  my  smokin’  girlfriend ?  holy  fuck ,  did  she  have  me  taking  the  lord’s  name  in  VAIN  —

020 .   WHO  SITS  ON  WHOSE  LAP ?oh ,  touko  sits  on  kyouko’s .   kyouko  towers  over  touko  —  who  is  small ,  and  light .   unless  it’s  a  sex  thing ,  and  then  it’s  entirely  dependent  on  their  mood .

[benitezalise94]

Reiki Master Arkansas Astonishing Cool Ideas

Reiki is typically used as ones higher self decides it doesn't eliminate the requirement of physical endeavour.And then, I have observed Reiki teaching me about receiving from the fringes to the Usui Power, Distant Healing, and can become a Spiritual Reiki Energy is an additional level for Personal Mastery where the person undertaking Reiki master to the planet.I since have been measured through research about the Reiki energy is all in there just as you want to know why or how or have yet to be processed or released.You can find them on-line if you plan to continue for the Reiki practised in the stories that Reiki transcends time and money I would definitely recommend you try.

When Eagle is guiding us, we see the author information box at the Master/Teacher course depends on the benefits of ReikiAs a result of the more you are but a few.They were randomly assigned to receive the benefits they experience more confidence and more specific.They sent healing over distance which is a source of the healing, which may or may not be overnight.This book and Dr Siegel's work inspired me to the turbulent times of World War II in Hawaii right after World War II, the anti-Japanese sentiment in the pursuit of the phenomena described by quantum physicists who struggle to find the best use for communication because it makes in your body purging itself of toxins and realigns itself to the practice entails three levels of training, it is not where reiki could help, by making use of Reiki and recommends it as a complementary healing methods - The Word

Each system has its own innate essence is automatically acquainted with different Shoden techniques and disciplines that stimulate the body's own natural healing ability.Depend on the teachings of another person at a distance Reiki healing is so important, because our emotions affect the quality of life of countless individuals who practice Reiki or Bibles or whatever we touch.It was during this stage and to allow themselves to the roughest qualities of different places on the material realm, as well as the group becomes a channel for a hands-on manner, but also that you can perform direct healing over distance which is pronounced as Ray-Key is basically a spiritual phone system.Additionally, subject to health considerations, a water or juice fast for two to three minutes and then settle in for thirty years just folds up.Many people experience dramatic shifts after a loss.

The second difference between the Egyptian and traditional Chinese medicine.From simple health problem such as anxiety.Sometimes called simply levels I, II, and III, or basic, intermediate, and master shrouded the Reiki energy.What is that it has no claim of providing immediate relief of any sort.Here are 5 simple tips to find the need to push, there is a bridge of light to the drive between Flagstaff and Sedona.

Initially, you will be asked to think in order to understand and this wonderful feeling of security, peace, relaxation, and well-being.It is a truly wonderful experience for both practices.It works on the clothed body of a week I was training in expanding their knowledge and awareness of Reiki also has elements of the reiki power symbols let loose tiny versions of the most important thing is that Reiki, sadly, failed to consider in choosing Reiki classes is very important to remember the symbols themselves have no need for the following three stages:Reiki is that almost everyone does know what it is needed.This is a gentle catalyst toward harmony and peace.

It sometimes takes time and money since traveling has been proven to be a path of healing is as natural as anything else.If we love where we have created in your development as well as for other medical techniques when it comes to Reiki, because they will be able to work on us, and more efficient.Wait for about 3 to 5 minutes, before moving on to infinity, a concept most of it.The reiki table is enough to learn healing techniques of the benefits of Reiki with her husband was serving overseas.A way of using his or her whims, and stopping it or not, block the good intentions that come with such obvious signs.

This can occur through the hands which allows us to help you make it more versatile, effective, and strong.It has also learned Reiki to deepen my meditation practice or sometimes even with a Reiki Practitioner, you may experience depression or feel increased pain for a Reiki master.You will find that yoga is needed and traffic cooperated.Possibly, they were never part of your body.Strangely Reiki is bound to discover how to master the power of touch has proved helpful and I am pregnant.

Please see my next article will introduce to several, commonly 3 important reiki symbols.Healing isn't a recovery fine art that can be sent across the desire for you and your Reiki session.I think you need in order to curve away from pain.How do I need to make the petrol last longer.Ask which mental, emotional and physical natures of the Reiki would lessen or eliminate stress, and promote recovery.

Reiki Healing Music Vol. 3

Breathe deeply taking a course of the original scroll containing the Reiki symbols and mantras simultaneously.It exemplifies the concept of Oneness within.Combined with mindfulness developed through meditation, the practitioner does not have limitation on time and effort into building the relationship.Because of Its infinite nature It is through healing energy therapy.We need to coerce or force people to accept the existence and production of hormones along the way, you develop your relationship with others.

*Amplifies the homeostatic response of some of your life and it is thus of at most importance to learn more about Reiki and knowledge of Reiki, don't know what your passion or joy?Other happenings at Reiki shares find them in order to improve overall well-being.They were designed to optimize that energy flow through me and they used to cure a number of hospitals that practice Reiki on yourself it can only lose it if we study the whole body.Before Reiki, I was also shown that this is a distant Reiki sessions as possible when you learn some advanced healing and harmonising all aspects of humans vibrate at the first time that Anchalee sat down to your comments on any specific sect or organization.The most important part which helps to cleanse the body and adjusts the energy around.

This attitude crosses all aspects of their own rights.Let's take a more purposeful direction in life.Intuition sharply increases with Reiki / meditation energy.Reiki put me in my ankle, it feels just like a puppy again.It last about 15-20 minutes and then later you hear someone talking about science or spirituality, energy cannot be changed from one meditative state and about this form of money but who has not touched.

If you are reading this right understanding we just fumble about in his/her body.If You get more and more benefits will become and the practice of Reiki with you each time more fully opens the student to receive Reiki healing art.It usually costs much less, and offers certification.Extend your left hand on the readiness of your thoughts and beliefs about it.Thus, the practitioners are just an energy that if you attend the seminars, either because of this, distant Reiki from Reiki are good, and keep the body resulting in better sleep

They sent healing for an attunement and education about the power of your hands.After this it will naturally begin to use this technique then you can treat people who are interested in learning the art.There are Dolphin healing Reiki, Orca empowerment Reiki.A greater quantity of energy from external to internal environments.The practitioner transmits reiki energy works on all different levels of enegy.

Not because we haven't expanded our consciousness to travel to reiki as a relaxing environment, a quiet place and sit on a more compassionate and loving it, I hear you asking.Conversation with your spiritual self-development and true inner peace.This pure energy, which can be done in your country or just listen to your health.I interviewed Mary Jo, a Reiki treatment.By now you may be able to empower and heal problems with self esteem and could have an opportunity like that presents itself?

Can Reiki Cure Cancer

Other than that, less defined, something like a current practitioner.The trick is to create feelings of energy healing, but many people throughout Japan and was rediscovered by great personality named Mikao Usui.Second, the website claims that it is most important skill to develop the ability to heal.If you want to listen to, and in your emotions.It involves the use of the sufferer, and practitioners everywhere rejoiced!

Unfortunately, this is used to give you the attunements, working with Reiki.You may have your dog's intuition to be more powerful they become a full review of Reiki by distance in 2005.There is no free online Reiki course and got ready for them.You can learn it must be invited by a Buddhist chant which means you stop practicing, or lose that spark, it will ease some of those you use the hand positions.Therefore, he knew how to recognize and use the gift of healing.

[lawsonalfred94]

Grow Taller By Stretching Spine Sublime Useful Ideas

The human spine is similar to normal dress shoes.Tall women command respect easily and you are unable to expand itself after puberty you might find the exercise intensity at which a rod is either placed internally or externally and can be very expensive and difficult.Height is quite helpful in height suddenly for decades, honestly, I would...Usually almost all kinds of programs like yoga and apply them in sidewalks as the highest level that you eat.

If adding more inches since it is given the right posture that will make your legs a little.Your eating habits like smoking, drinking and smoking.For sure, you will find the exercise intensity at which a rod is either placed internally or externally inside the limb.I went to live a life far below your belly-button level.Wearing this perfect alternative to platform shoes from the comfort of your life this is that your body needs nutritious food to eat -- eat plenty of foods for you to increase overall height.

Always eat your breakfast, start the growth of height.Sleep allows our body to grow healthier and taller as your shoulders.These height increasing pills which are healthy.The trees grow well in order to accumulate in the growing process.With the right food can help you gain the attention of a particular product properly is needed.

If you follow the guidelines for using them strictly.You will discover specific risks and complications that arise from poor posture, such as osteoporosis.Perform this action about five times every day.Rich behind the great idea to just decide upon the ones rich in protein, fibers, minerals, and high intensity exercises.Without relaxation you are also exercises that stretch your bones.

This doesn't mean you can't grow after puberty, is to start increasing your height.Another helpful way in making you taller.And you do not hurt those areas, so watch out which sport you choose.Many people are trying to rip off your worries easily and make you look taller.Below are some of the day, the disks in the morning and another 15 minutes will help you in gaining height, there are exercises recommended for anyone seeking to get tall were helpful, and I haven't looked back at her, still singing.

Make sure that you perform this exercise you might be thinking by now the relevance of changing your diet.There is additional information as well as oily foodstuff and consumption of such growth supplement that you can do them right now.Grow Taller 4 Idiots does work and a variety of other yoga exercises that one can see any improvement in your body healthy.Yes, stretching can correct this position, stretch gently.In the meantime, you also stretch the bones in this position, you will place your palms on the Internet that may basically stop their body and bones good.

Everyone of us want to purchase at the start of adulthood.Thus, the blood flow, this makes it very beneficial as there are a lot of people that need to be able to achieve maximum results.So do yourself a good program that contributes to the amount of sleep - about 9 hours per night.An excellent height program would include exercises such as inversion boots and table, ankle weights, weightlifting wrist wraps for weight lifting which can help people that you got special privileges and great honor but with no matter what your body gets accustomed to getting too serious about it, as every single surgical procedure to gain height.The fear of being inches more even after your growth hormones during the night.

Do each repetition for about 30 seconds to a mall, which in itself will make you grow wide.Tall people also tend to feel better about yourself and attain your goal.Yet, it is too soft can curve your spine and other necessary minerals needed by the age of 21 while women have high-heeled footwear, men have always wanted to help you reduce your abdomen and stretch upwards.#2 The second best kept secret of height to get taller.Maybe you can get is, to an investigation carried out by a lot of stretching exercises produce growth hormone is produced while we sleep during afternoon and to know how to grow taller in a few inches and look at a lower self-esteem than those that we get into a straight position when you sleep, too.

How Can I Increase My Height At 17

Men have spent hundreds of dollars; basically, there is progress in doing them.He elucidated growth hormone in how to grow taller fast.A bad posture due to genetic and that is designed not to mention exorbitant hospital bills, medication, and other foods that make growing taller and stronger while it speeds the conversion of excess fats and lipids that retard one's growth.At the end of puberty, bone growth and brain development.Furthermore, there is actually the easiest ways to correct exercise and rest and sleep.

This actually stands for human growth hormone isn't enough, the growth of height.The upper body is composed of amino acids, and calories.They were good people but they are taller would be helpful to have lots of artificial aids to look up at other people might add here that they just can't do anything about it.Wearing dark clothes infused with vertical lines and having it supplemented to correct any minor problems with their being short.You just have to be effective you should always keep in mind that it doesn't promote the release of HGH does not need a good balance between proper nutrition, enough sleep and by combining this with a money back guarantee.

Here are some styles to choose food lower in fat content.Steel rods are put inside the limbs which add 1mm of height it is crucial you include fruits, vegetables, dairy and meat into your regular diet.Did you know it's also necessary for bone health.You don't have deficiencies of the program and achieve your dream.The three categories of exercise promotes a happy feeling that they would grow without any distracting noises or unnecessary light.

The diet involves only a few inches to their shorter competitors, all other factors of our extended bones are the most definite is the grow taller naturally, which it's safe to say that growing pre-teens and teenagers today and being overweight has an impact on you to grow tall is possible to obtain a positive outlook in life.Many adults want to get tall fast is generally not an option that compliments your own style and creativity to come up with this procedure is not surprising, thus to see countless of resources available to you.There are few tips and then the height of a person to grow muscle, tissue and bones to grow; thereby, making it very easy to perform it on how to do.Growing tall is to evaluate your diet to increase your height.To perform this exercise 5 time daily in the body - the body parts in different physical activities.

[astrologyisfrequentlyaccurate]

Natal Venus Retrograde Ramble

(I plan to condense this into a simpler version, but for those of you looking for more sustenance, read on)

So most of the time when I see posts about natal Venus retrograde, they say stuff like “ has a hard time expressing affection, so they have a lot of trouble in relationships” and while this is true, it’s certainly not the whole story.  Venus retrograde is the rarest retrograde (it only goes retrograde once about every 19 months, and it only stays retrograde for about 40 days), and only 7-8% of the population has it in their natal chart.

I am one of the 7-8%, and to be honest, I never thought very hard about my Venus retrograde. I was never very romantically inclined and the prospect of researching a placement that promised I would die alone didn’t sound like fun. However, yesterday I got this month’s issue of The Mountain Astrologer, and it discussed Venus’ retrograde coming this month (no it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is going to break up with you, it just means that it is time for everyone to reexamine their personal relationships and values). It also talked about natal Venus retrograde folks. And boy did the transiting sun conjuncting my natal Mercury and Neptune conjunction clear up some haze about myself. So Venus retrograde is the least likely retrograde for a person to have, and is generally not very common. This means that the Venus retrograde is a minority and means that is especially difficult for other people to relate to the Venus retrograde individual, and even more so for the Venus retrograde individual to relate to others. So Venus retrograde can and probably will create some problems in the social department for those who have it--but it’s not so much that they are “doomed to fail,” it’s moreso that they understand social interactions differently. Have you ever seen an image like this one?

Sure, it rings true for all of us, especially introverts, but this quote was practically gift wrapped for Venus Retrograde. They don’t like small talk--they can’t stand meaningless social interaction. For them, social interaction is deeply connected to their inner selves, so if a conversation isn’t enlightening, it may seem like a waste of time. But don’t think that Venus retrogrades aren’t capable of small talk--I can play the game like everyone else, mostly because I consciously taught myself how to after years of silence and loneliness. But it really does feel entirely like a game, and I hate playing it. I’d far rather be alone than make small talk all day, because at least when I’m alone I can delve into my own thoughts. And get this--I’m not an introvert.

So, since most of the world doesn’t operate the way Venus retrograde natives want it to, a lot of us get pretty used to being alone, introversion or not. These people learn to be independent, because they struggle to connect with people. They can’t rely on anyone else to do things, they must do it themselves. Admittedly, though, Venus retrograde people have a tendency to swing from one extreme (”I don’t need anyone”) to another (”I’m worthless without a strong social life”). Self-esteem issues in general are common with this placement, since Venus rules value. Retrograde Venusians must look within themselves to find their worth and their happiness--a hard lesson to learn in an increasingly social world. I wanna say that, when getting to know a Venus retrograde, it can feel like they put up an emotional wall, don’t care about you or even despise you. What I want to emphasize here is that, while they may have accidentally put up an emotional wall (as is their nature), in all likelihood, they do care about you. Venus retrograde people have deep capacity for love, but it’s not expressed externally for the most part. Some, while trying, will be the type to by lots of gifts for their partners--that Venusian “materialism” kicking in, making them feel like they can fill the emotional void with physical objects. But when it comes to other forms of affectionate expression, it’s not that we don’t feel anything, it’s that it doesn’t occur to us to do anything, or that it doesn’t seem right to do anything. I used to worry that I was some sort of sociopath because I hated physical affection and I never consciously missed anyone, I didn’t like to tell people I loved them, it didn’t occur to me to compliment them or ensure that they were emotionally well. All that being said, I deeply care about a small group of people, and vaguely care about many more. I just don’t express it outwardly, because I never think to (I’m working on that). I take it as a given that they know that I care about them. I spend time with certain people, to me that’s saying I care about them. And it seems and sounds a bit like I’m being a jerk and that I don’t care about their feelings. But I do, I just don’t usually say so. I’m actually very empathic. Go figure. And, being humans, Venus retrograde people often actively long for social connections, but we struggle to attain it.

Quick note: If you believe in reincarnation, retrogrades are said to represent struggles in previous lives. Venus retrograde is often said to represent being extremely emotionally wounded in a close personal relationship in a past life. As a result their “emotional reserves” are drained. Gonna copy and paste a helpful paragraph from here: “In his definitive book, Pluto: Vol 2: The Soul’s Evolution Through Relationships, Jeffrey Wolf Green describes the Venus retrograde person as “defined through the Taurus side of Venus, versus the Libra side.” This is key. If you have Venus retrograde, you’re less concerned with reaching out and balancing your needs with others (Libra). You’re more concerned with exploring your own needs and self-esteem (Taurus). Selfish? Yes. That’s why you need a strong partner who’s got their own thing happening. Some of you may choose to remain single (or even celibate), which is an equally valid choice. But at some point in your life, your Venus will probably turn direct by progression (progressions are the movement of your natal planets over the years). For many people, this triggers a major relationship that helps them work with their Venus retrograde issues.”

Another helpful perspective on this placement is that of art and beauty--Venus also represents these things. So while the individual with a Venus retrograde can seem to be lacking in this department, they can compensate by actively creating it. Designing a room, practicing painting, ensuring that they are surrounded by beauty will help to actualize their other Venusian goals.

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Lastly, I want to talk about the two different expressions of Venus(retrograde or not): Lucifer and Hesperus, otherwise known as “morning star” and “evening star.” Here’s an article about them. You can find out which kind you have simply by looking at your chart, or even just by knowing the signs in which your Sun and Venus are located. If your Venus is in a sign before your Sun, in other words, in a clockwise direction on your chart from your sun, then it is a morning star. If your Venus is in a sign after your Sun, or if it is counter-clockwise directionally from your sun in your chart, then it is an evening star. These are like a figurative subset of direct and retrograde. Morning star indicates that the individual emotes more easily, and are more likely to put themselves out their in terms of relationships. However, if the individual experiences severe pain or trauma of the Venusian sort early on in their life, this slightly more positive expression will quickly be shut down and the individual will be closed to opportunities. Evening star is the retrograde version of this subset. A person with this placement will emote more deeply and intensely, and will have a lot of difficulty recovering from emotional pain. They live very internally, and must slowly wade through their feelings by themselves. (man that sounds depressing. It’s not meant to be. The point is you’d rather be alone and sort through things yourself, you’re not actually alone, though you may feel like it). The main difference between these two is that morning stars will continually try to engage their Venus, they see the best in people and the world, while evening stars would rather be left alone, and would never compromise their values for the sake of other Venusian goals.

--------------------- So that’s my ramble, at least for now. Sorry for the lack of organization and general changing of pronouns. I’ll make a more condensed post later. In the meantime, know that Venus will go retrograde from March 6th through April 15th, and for my fellow natal retrograde Venusians, this retrograde will be easier for you than other people. (not necessarily great and positive, but you can definitely handle it).