#well I made my other player play that meditation for me

[alma-amentet]

Can't sleep.

I usually meditate to some special music, that helps greatly, but my (new!) earphones turned out to be not working just the time i needed them badly. Can't return them to the store bc it's been a month already... Got them delivered, tested, pulled away untilI needed them, and now... IDK how could this happen.

Damn, I'm so mentally fucked up these days... So tired of this anxiety, feeling sad and frustrated most of the time. Just wanted to curl up under my favorite blanket and get a good sleep, then enjoy my day off, do something nice (like painting).

And I just can't.

[queensunshinee]

His favorite toy- Part 4 || Art Donaldson x reader

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Warnings: SMUT (p in v sex), our favorite toxic relationship is back.

Word Count: 6.1k

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

This one can stand on its own, but I recommend reading the rest :)

His favorite toy- Part 4:

"What are you doing here?" I tried to sound composed. My heart couldn't stop racing at a speed I never wanted it to beat again. A speed reserved for one person only. And no matter how many years passed or how out of place he would seem in my world, Art Donaldson entered my life like he was the boss. Like he was paying my salary. With exaggerated confidence and an aura that made me blush. A smile that made my lips tremble.

I was painfully aware that my mascara was smudged after a too-long day, and that I had taken my shirt out of my skirt after lunch. Painfully aware that I had taken off my shoes an hour ago because pacing around the room in heels made it hard to think. Painfully aware that he was seeing me in all my flaws now. Years after the last time we met, and he was just as smug.

"I was in the area, and Patrick mentioned something about you working around here..." he said, as if everything in that sentence made sense. As if the fact that I stayed in touch with Patrick made sense. I nodded, trying to somehow control this ridiculous situation. I'm not supposed to react this chaotically to Art Donaldson. I'm 28. I'm not a 19-year-old girl. I do morning meditations. I drink green smoothies and ginger shots. I'm a fucking queen. But I don't feel particularly royal when I remember the coffee stain on my shirt, or the half-eaten avocado sandwich I bought from the café downstairs. It was awful. Both the sandwich and the café. I’m pretty sure the regular barista hates me because once I corrected one of my orders. Ever since, he's been out to get me. It’s a nightmare. I've considered changing jobs more times than I'd like to admit because of it.

"That sounds... completely normal," I mumbled, and he chuckled in response. One of his legs found its natural place over the other, and his fingers played with one of his billion rings in a disturbingly nonchalant way. "Is a tennis player supposed to have that many rings?" I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, knowing how stupid it sounded. Hating myself a little for how stupid it sounded. "I don’t play with them, and they’re beautiful," he shrugged. "They’re ridiculous," I rolled my eyes, trying to recover from this topic of conversation. "Yours is ridiculous," he shot back playfully, looking directly at my ring. At the small diamond (Art probably thinks it’s too small- well, fuck him).

"Oh, this?" I asked, and now we were both looking at it. I liked it until about three seconds ago. Until he walked into the room and stared at it like it was filled with snake venom. It felt like it weighed as much as my entire body. It felt like it was burning my hand from the inside. My blood boiled beneath it, reminding me that all my plans just went to hell. A reminder that I was crazy to even try making plans. "It’s pretty, delicate," I could hear the mockery in his tone. No matter how many years passed, I would always recognize every nuance in his voice. Every rise and fall in octaves. Every unnecessary affectation. He smiled the way he did when he tried to get under my skin—five minutes hadn’t passed, and he’d already succeeded. How embarrassing. What a failure as a person. A failure as a woman. A failure to feminism. Sitting in my office with a coffee stain on my shirt, while my ex from college critiques my choices like some kind of fraudulent fortune-teller. Like God sent him to help me make some life-changing decision.

"Why are you here?" I asked again, trying to maintain control and not snap at him. After all, we hadn’t spoken in nearly a decade. What good would it do to lash out at him? What would it accomplish to tell him about the therapy sessions, about the years I didn’t believe anything good was coming my way at all? About the fact that because of him, I didn’t believe I could ever be anyone’s first choice. "Why did you stay in touch with Patrick?" he asked, and for a moment, it sounded like his tough mask cracked. Like his defenses crumbled and his heart was laid bare. Like we were 20 again, and he was holding my face, explaining how scared he was to let me go.

"He insisted," I shrugged. The day after that party, Tashi's accident happened. Some would call it karma, but I’d say it was just bad luck. Because even though she hurt me without even knowing my name, I never wanted her career to end before it even began. And everyone was sad that day—Patrick, because he felt guilty, Tashi, because her knee twisted in the air, and Art, because he lost a friend and the girl who forgave him for all his bullshit. Aka me. But he won what really mattered. He got Tashi. Patrick found me that day in the library, refusing to wallow in my own misery, and somehow, he managed to entwine his miserable life with mine. He managed to secure a spot on my couch from time to time. He managed to impress me with lame jokes about his pathetic life, or maybe about mine.

And life didn’t turn out the way I planned. I didn’t discover a cure for cancer or make it to space by age 25. My apartment was crappy. So fucking crappy. But there were funny moments, and I only occasionally followed Art’s career. I only followed his love life when his face and Tashi’s were plastered on billboards. That could never have been me. It would never have worked. It wasn’t meant to be, I’d tell myself every time I was filled with self-pity. Every time I worked a temporary job selling skincare products or transcribing lectures for students. Every time I felt lost. I knew he wouldn’t have settled for someone like me in the long run.

He and Patrick made up two years ago, which was ironic. Because what’s the point of maintaining my friendship with Patrick if not to have at least one person in my life who understands the pain of knowing Art Donaldson? Of knowing that once, he was a part of your life, and it felt amazing. Almost unreal. Almost spiritual. But they made up, and Patrick promised me he wouldn’t talk about me with the smug bastard sitting in front of me right now. He promised and didn’t keep it. Well, here’s someone who’s never eating pasta at the restaurant near my place on my dime ever again.

"He insisted?" Art looked amused, and I just shrugged again in response. I knew he wanted more details, but I wanted him to take a headfirst dive into a volcano. Desires are ridiculous. "He insisted," I repeated, and this time he laughed. Actually laughed. "It's like you two have a contract not to tell me anything. How am I supposed to work with that?" He spoke as if we’d been friends for years. As if there hadn’t been a rupture, a break, and devastation. As if I didn’t have the image of him leaving me at that party seared into my brain. As if my heart hadn’t shattered into pieces because of him more times than I could count.

"I want you to handle my money," he suddenly said. "Excuse me?" I raised an eyebrow, looking at him as if he'd lost a lobe of his brain. "You're a financial advisor, right? Be my financial advisor," he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, all while glancing at the pathetic office I was sitting in. "You don’t want me to be your financial advisor, Art," I almost snorted in disbelief. "You haven’t spoken to me in ten years, and now you know what I want?" he asked, allowing himself to raise an eyebrow in return. "This is a big firm; I can recommend someone who’d be happy to take you on," I tried to fake a smile. "I'll go to your boss and tell him I’m willing to let only you handle my account, and that you’re refusing. I’m sure he’d be thrilled. I Googled him—Albert looks like a guy who’d love to lose a wealthy client," and I saw that spark in his eyes. Challenging. Almost childish. The kind that said, 'Let’s see what you do. You’ll lose.'

"That’s a terrible idea," I declared. "Keeping in touch with Patrick and not me is a terrible idea. Managing my investments will give you some good money," he said, gesturing with his hands, and for the first time, I realized how big his hands were. "Are you bored with your life, Donaldson?" I asked, trying to figure out what I was dealing with here. "Come on, Peaches, you have to admit you missed me, at least a little." And for a change, his smile was genuine. He looked like every word I said could hurt him. "Like I miss my appendix," I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. "I’m looking forward to working with you." He suddenly stood up and extended his hand for a handshake, as if that wasn’t utterly ridiculous. "I’m looking forward to it like a deer looks forward to being eaten by a lion. It’s on my wish list," I said, and he just laughed again. A laugh that was too real. The kind that made tears gather in his eyes.

An hour after he left my dingy office, my heart was still racing at an unreasonable pace. The kind that made me wonder if there was a defibrillator in the building. I tried to remember if I shook his hand at the end of the meeting. I couldn’t. . . . As he left your office, Art felt like he does after a long tennis match. One that he won. A thought detached from reality, but he allowed himself those kinds of thoughts now. He was a new person. He believed in victories before they even happened. And seeing you after so many years in real life, not in blurry Facebook pictures, felt like a victory. You hadn’t changed much. The years had even given you a more sophisticated look—subtle yet full of curves. Your eyes still looked at him with that same spark. With a glimmer of something he could never quite put his finger on. But he wanted to conquer it. He wanted to win.

When Patrick and he reconnected, it was alongside the problems that only began in his relationship with Tashi. Alongside Lily’s birth, alongside the intrusive thoughts that had plagued him all his life, he wondered if it was a mistake. But Patrick was Patrick, and when he insisted on something, he got his way. And for Patrick, he and Art had to reconnect. So they did. Slowly, gradually. He wasn’t his best friend anymore, of course. But sometimes Art thought he was his only friend. Which was strange, because he was always surrounded by people. Tashi was supposed to be his best friend, but she never was. She made it clear more than once that it was a ridiculous notion.

One night, as he and Patrick were having beers at some sketchy bar, Patrick casually mentioned that you and he were good friends. Art looked at him as if he’d fallen from the moon. He wanted to punch him. He hadn’t expected that. It felt like someone had punched him in the chest and knocked all the air out of his lungs. Patrick got over Tashi and settled for you? You weren’t supposed to be a compromise. Art wouldn’t allow that. He’d go to war if he had to. He had no grounds for such a war, but you were too good to settle for Patrick. You were too good to settle for anyone, really.

He quickly realized that things between you and Patrick were platonic. Or at least that’s what the guy sitting across from him kept repeating, but Art wasn’t fully convinced. Everything was too mysterious. Patrick kept too much information to himself. He didn’t share anything with Art about your life, and the more Patrick kept things hidden, the more obsessed Art became.

And it wasn’t weird that he checked if you’d posted a new status on Facebook almost as often as he checked if his infant daughter needed anything. It wasn’t weird that he searched for you on Instagram. It wasn’t weird that he looked through the profiles of all 67 people you followed and hated most of them. Because you didn’t follow him, and millions of people did. You could have followed, and he wouldn’t have even noticed—allegedly.

"She got engaged," Patrick said one day, throwing it into the air as if he were talking about his grocery list. Art stared at him, blinking, trying to process the information. Who’s the person responsible for this? Who’s the person who took you away, and why do you think he deserves forever with you? What kind of thought is that—that someone else deserves forever with you? That someone gets to have a picnic in the park with you. To pick you up for dates. To share a house with you. There’s someone who’s going to be the father of your kids. Who picked out a ring for you. Who’s going to make sure your dreams come true. Art doesn’t know what your dreams are. But he doesn’t want to think about it.

"Is he a good guy?" Art knew that was what he was supposed to ask. That’s what social norms demanded. "I’ve sat with them a few times when they were together. He’s kind and funny, and I think he loves her," Patrick shrugged, as if that’s all it takes to be with you. "Well, I’m happy for her," Art took a gulp of whiskey, too big, letting the drink burn its way down his throat. Patrick looked at him like he didn’t believe him. His problem, Art thought. Let him believe whatever he wants.

That night, Art opened your Instagram while Tashi was asleep. There wasn’t a picture of a ring or a tag of some guy. Tashi got annoyed because of the phone light. Art apologized.

That was almost six months ago. Since then, his life had changed because he and Tashi decided to keep their relationship strictly professional. It was for both of their benefit, though he wasn’t entirely sure how much it benefited him. He was still learning how to function without her. He was still learning how to communicate effectively. He was still trying to bridge the dissonance that came with going home to an empty house, yet navigating press conferences as if he were happily married.

In two weeks, even that charade would end. And he wasn’t sure what he was even fighting for. Because they weren’t truly happy. And you were in his thoughts enough for it to count as emotional cheating if he were married. So he let Tashi go. He was much less broken than he had imagined he would be without her.

'I’m looking forward to working with you.' -Art- He couldn’t resist sending the message. Maybe ten at night was too late. Maybe you were already asleep. Maybe your fiancé was with you, trying to love you. Maybe Art was intruding.

He didn’t particularly care if he was. . . . "I’m going to kill you," I said into the phone, hearing Patrick's rolling laughter. "You're exaggerating—" he began, trying to save his ass. "We had one rule! Just one, Patrick!" I found myself pacing the bedroom while Alec worked in the living room. This was the day after the meeting with Art Donaldson. "He lives in New York and he’s divorced. I felt like a jerk not telling him where you work when he asked so nicely," Patrick’s voice sounded genuine. "He's not divorced," I rolled my eyes. I would know if Art were divorced. His and Tashi's faces are plastered all over this stinking city.

"They’re finalizing things in about a week and a half. There will be a press conference and everything. It’s going to be a big deal," he said, as if it were common knowledge. As if I should already know this. "Sorry I didn’t give you a heads-up. That wasn’t cool," he added, and I could hear him biting into something, probably an apple. "We’re supposed to be a team. You can’t prioritize Art Donaldson’s interests over mine. I fed you when you were half-homeless," I declared. "I still prioritize your interests, drama queen," he continued speaking lightly, as if I had no reason to feel like my world was crumbling. "How is this prioritizing my interests? I’m going to manage his money. I’m going to handle his investments, Patrick. I’m going to see his stupid face every time he wants, as part of my job. Because of you! This is your fault!" I found myself stopping for a moment in the room, almost stomping my foot in frustration. Years of self-work going down the drain.

"Everything okay, Bunny?" I heard Alec's voice from the living room. "Yeah, I’m just talking to Patrick," I replied, steadying my voice into something more composed and responsible. So he’d keep thinking I had my life together. "Tell him 'hi,'" Alec said, and I could only guess he’d put his headphones back on. "Well, hi," I rolled my eyes, returning to the conversation with the chief idiot. "I’m sorry," Patrick mumbled after a few seconds of silence, and I hung up, sprawling on the bed like a starfish. He didn’t sound sorry.

I sat down next to Alec on the couch, wearing just my bra and panties with an open button-down shirt over it. Sexy enough for any stranger peeking through the window. A teenage boy's wet dream. I’m on fire. He kept staring at his screen, ignoring my existence. I started placing small kisses along his neck, trying to set the mood. Trying to seal the deal. Trying not to think about the one-who-shall-not-be-named. Trying to be a good woman. Trying to conquer feminism with mediocre sex, just like Alec and I know how to deliver. "I really have to finish this, Bunny," he mumbled, shifting uncomfortably, making me sigh, lean back, and roll my eyes. "How long will it take?" I asked. "You’ll probably be asleep by then. Watch an episode of your favorite show instead," he said without looking at me. "Can we talk about the wedding?" I tried another angle. "If I don’t have time to make love to you, I definitely don’t have time to plan the wedding," he said, slipping those hideous—massive—headphones back on, ending the conversation. I kind of hated that he never said "fuck" or "have sex" or even used the word "sex" in general. He always treated it like I was Princess Diana. I am clearly not Princess Diana. Sometimes I wonder if he even wants to marry me at all. It’s been over six months since he proposed, and he’s been dodging setting a date since practically the same day. It’s very frustrating. I need to meditate.

"Bunny," he suddenly said, and I looked at him expectantly while he removed his headphones after I’d already started heading to the bedroom, "you have a stain on your shirt." He quickly put his headphones back on, eyes glued to the screen. At least the soup I had for lunch managed to fuck me today. . . . "You can't just show up here," I said as I tried to finish chewing the terrible sandwich I’d chosen today. I think it had mold. "If you had answered my messages, we could’ve scheduled something without me showing up at your office." Art looked good. So fucking good. It was frustrating. Today was the day I decided to skip the contacts and wear glasses. God hates me. But on the other hand, God was trying to help me—making sure Art Donaldson never gets attracted to me. God is on my side. I knew she was a feminist.

"What do you want?" I mumbled in surrender, knowing he wouldn’t leave until he said whatever he came to say so we could all move on with our lives. "To talk business," he smiled from ear to ear. "I'm eating right now, come back in half an hour," I replied, "or better yet, schedule a meeting like a rational human being." I continued pressing my point. "Better idea, let's go grab lunch and talk business over food." He looked at me like a dad who just told his little girl what her next hour is going to look like. "Sorry, I can't—" "Art Donaldson! When I got your email, I couldn't believe it," Albert burst into my office excitedly. Sure, let’s invite everyone. Apparently, there’s free cookies being handed out. All are welcome.

Art kept wearing his unbearable poster smile while Albert went on and on about tennis and how much he loved Rafael Nadal. Albert is clearly a man with vast general knowledge. "She treating you right?" Albert asked Art as if they were best friends, and now they both stared at me while all I wanted was to finish my food-poisoning sandwich in peace. "She just agreed to join me for lunch to talk about my money," Art said, and if looks could kill, Art Donaldson would’ve had a stroke right there and disappeared from our lives as suddenly as he appeared. But no, looks don’t kill, and feminist God apparently isn’t on my side anymore because now I’m sitting across from this asshole at a diner. I ordered a burger because I knew he’d never allow himself to eat one and would whine for hours about how he wants to eat a burger every day but can’t.

"I hope that's okay," I smiled one of the fakest smiles I could muster, blinking as I took a bite of the slab of meat in front of me. "Mmm, it's amazing," I sighed, watching for a moment as he stared at me, mouth half-open, eyes sparkling. "You're cruel," he stated after shaking his head, as if shaking off urges. He looked different with short hair. I always told him he needed to cut it because it kept falling into his eyes, but his curls had a youthful playfulness that was clearly missing now. He looked defeated.

"So, what did you want to talk about? What are you looking to invest in?" I tried to focus on the reason behind this ridiculous meal while Art stole a fry from my plate and picked at the sad grilled chicken he had ordered. Maybe I should stop making those satisfied sounds when I eat. "You," he said, biting his lip like a kid who let a curse word slip in front of his mom. Testing boundaries. Watching as I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going to let you waste my time, Donaldson," and we both knew I wasn’t just talking about business. Because honestly? Fuck business. Art didn’t seem like someone who was planning to disappear from my life anytime soon. He had shown up too determined for that to happen. "I have no intention of wasting your time, Peaches," he smiled, leaning back, relaxing a little after we established this basic ground rule. He continued stealing my food.

"So, tell me about him," he suddenly said after insisting I order an enormous ice cream that was supposed to be just for me. Every time his spoon got closer, mine heroically fought it off. "Who?" I asked, taking a spoonful of ice cream and leaving it in my mouth for a few seconds. His gaze immediately locked on my ring. "We're not that kind of friends, Donaldson," I said, watching as he inched his spoon toward my ice cream, and I quickly blocked him. No chance. "So what kind of friends are we?" he asked, smiling, looking half at me and half at our spoons, still battling each other. "I don't know," I sighed a little, finally lowering my spoon in defeat. There’s no point in fighting. It’s truly a lost cause.

The more Art Donaldson entered my life, the more Alec distanced himself from it. Art did it in a quiet way, almost eerily so. It started with deep conversations about financial investments he wanted to make. About charity events he wanted to be part of. A foundation he wanted to establish. He talked about his money as if it made sense to be this rich at his age. As if he and I were on the same level in terms of lifestyle. He never once acted condescending about it, even though I expected him to. Even though I had prepared arguments in advance. He never once asked why I didn’t continue in academia or why I gave up on medicine. He didn’t poke at that wound. Even though he could have. Even though it would’ve been easy.

It continued with stupid messages in the middle of the day about how he was hungry, tired, or wanted to go home. Messages about seeing a guy dressed as a bear in the middle of the street. Fucking New York. He’d ask questions about my day. Ask what I ate. If I ate. If I was drinking enough water. Never anything too deep. Never out of nosy curiosity. If I forgot who he was, I might’ve thought he cared about me. I know, it’s unbelievable.

One time, he called me at seven in the evening, talking such nonsense that I wondered if he was drunk. I wondered out loud, of course, because I’m not 19, and I’m not afraid to tell Art Donaldson what I think. He wasn’t drunk. He made dinner and decided to call. He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Said it, and then went on about his day. About Lily. About how she was adjusting to splitting her time between his place and Tashi’s. He talked about Patrick and told me what he was cooking. It was domestic. Like I was a part of his life. Weird.

Alec and I were in the middle of a fight that made me wonder if I was mentally strong enough not to throw the vase that was sitting on the dresser. Not at him. I’m not violent. On the floor, to make a point. “Do you even want to marry me?” I suddenly asked. Because at that point, I no longer knew what was happening. I don’t like not knowing what’s happening. “Of course I wa-” “To who the hell is it obvious? Do you know how embarrassing it is when people ask me about a wedding date almost a year later, and I change the subject?!” I cut him off. “Every time I try to bring it up, you’d rather talk about light fixtures or that time we randomly had an hour-long conversation about types of doors.” I reminded him of some of the truly bizarre moments we’ve had recently. “We do need to replace the door.” I shot him a look that should’ve made it clear that if he kept going with that sentence, I was breaking the vase on the floor.

“Why don’t you want to fuck me anymore?” I suddenly asked. Almost defeated after too much yelling. “What? Bunny-” he blushed. The question was too brutal for him. Too raw for his delicate soul, which couldn’t handle talking about sex. “I can count on one hand how many times we’ve fucked since you proposed,” I said it as bluntly as I could, enjoying his discomfort. “We don’t have to make love every day,” he mumbled. Last time I checked, to make love, there has to be love. I threw the vase. Alec left the house. . . . ‘You’re not at work.’ – A –

‘How is it that we’re back to you not answering me?’ – A –

‘Did you secretly get married over the weekend?’ – A –

‘Seriously, get back to me. It’s about the charity event.’ – A –

The bitter truth was that I was busy wallowing in the current failure of my life- Alec. I binge-watched all the seasons of The O.C. in three days and ate more ice cream than should be legal. But I didn’t feel the pain in my bones the way you’re supposed to when ending what was supposed to be the relationship. I’d once hurt more over losing someone who loved me less.

‘Are you okay? You’ve got our mutual friend worried.’ – P – He talked about Art like he was a spy. ‘Hey, could you stop being an idiot for a second and just answer to say you’re alive?’ – P –

‘I’m calling the fire department to check your apartment.’ – P –

‘This is concerning.’ – P –

‘I’ll call your mom. She’d love to hear from me after that time I burped in her face.’ – P –

‘I broke up with Alec.’ – (Y/N)–

‘You’re not going to die alone.’ – P –

‘I know you think you will, but you won’t.’ – P –

‘You can’t know that.’ – (Y/N) –

‘You’re an idiot.’ – P –

‘Are you okay?’ – P –

‘I mean, obviously you’re not okay, but... are you okay?’ – P –

‘I’m okay.’ –(Y/N)–

When I walked into the hall where Art Donaldson’s charity event for kids with muscular dystrophy, was being held, eyes didn’t turn toward me like they do in the movies. Everyone was too busy with their conversations and stroking each other’s egos. From the side, it almost looked homoerotic—the gentle touches on shoulders and the occasional pats. Almost sexy. Maybe I was seeing sex in things that weren’t sexy because my ex refused to touch me with more resolve than an ant carrying food that weighed more than its body. “You made it,” Art’s voice came from behind me. “You’re sharp,” I shot back as I turned to him, taking one of the champagne glasses he offered. “Is Patrick here too?” I asked. “No, he couldn’t come. He signed up for a Challenger in Malibu,” he replied, his eyes unapologetically scanning me. I felt completely exposed under his penetrating gaze. “So random,” I mumbled. Art’s hand gently pulled me by the waist, bringing me close to him while keeping his hand exactly where it was. I almost let confusion show on my face, but he introduced me to the man who had come over to talk to him, never taking his eyes—or his hand—off me. Not during the next conversation, or the next one, either. He presented us as a strange package deal. If someone wanted to talk to him, they had to talk to me too. Maybe he hoped it would drive people away. It didn’t. "Want to step outside for some air?" he whispered in my ear. After spending most of the evening standing so close to each other, it felt strange to pull away now that no one else was around. "Sure, why not." I shrugged, acting like it wasn’t a big deal. Before stepping out, we each grabbed a glass of wine. "You raised a lot of money," I remarked, trying to break the ice. "You disappeared on me," he shot back, not bothering with small talk. "I’ve been busy." I shrugged again. "Where’s your ring?" he asked. "You’re obsessed with my hands, Donaldson," I said, unsure how to respond to this level of bluntness after being in a relationship with someone who was too scared to talk to me for years. "It’s not relevant anymore," I added, as his gaze didn’t allow me to dodge the question. "Good, it was ugly," he stated, stopping in his tracks, making me stop too and turn to look at him, raising an eyebrow. His expression was challenging again, with that playful spark, inviting a debate. "It wasn’t ugly," I rolled my eyes. "It was pathetic, Peaches. You know you deserve better," he declared, leaving no room for argument.

And somehow, he was so close. Close enough that his breath, smelling of mint gum and wine, blended with mine. "I’m not looking for a rebound," I murmured. "Neither am I," his usual smug smile was gone. There was no trace of it. He looked hazy. Almost captive. "What are you looking for?" I dared to ask. "You," he replied. It was a good answer.

After an excruciatingly long hour and twenty minutes, during which I had two more glasses of wine, and Art spoke into the microphone—stopping me from downing a third—we arrived at his house. It looked a bit like a modern palace. "How is it that you live here?" I mused aloud, and his mouth found my neck as he chuckled. "What, this old thing?" he mumbled, his kisses as sharp as his words. "Don’t leave marks, Donaldson. We’re adults," I managed to say as I kicked off my heels, and he unzipped my dress.

"I want to do this from the moment you walked into the room today. Fuck, you’re so hot," he growled. It was throaty and masculine, almost animalistic. His eyes scanned me like a smoke detector picking up a cigarette. Within seconds, I found myself on the most comfortable couch I had ever been on. His lips traveled over me as if he was painting a map, as if he remembered all the sensitive points on my body. "I missed her," he said, giving a small bite to my right nipple, glancing at my face as I let out a moan. "her too," he added, moving to the left one. "Art, I need you." I tried to make it clear to him that I couldn't handle the teasing right now. That he should save it for another time. For someone else. For something else. I need him inside me.

"Peaches, have some patien—" he started, continuing to place deadly kisses on various areas of my body. "Art, just fuck me. Okay?" I almost pleaded, my voice lower than usual, filled with an inexplicable need. He looked at me for half a minute and nodded. "Okay baby, I got you," he said. And within seconds, his boxers were on the floor, and my panties disappeared too. He was inside me as if this was his home, as if he belonged there. "Fuck. Art. Thank you, there," I felt stupid, but I couldn't control it. I needed him so badly. I needed someone to fill the empty space. That Art Donaldson would fill the empty space.

He moved at a chaotic pace, almost as if he was trying to prove he could give me exactly what I wanted. What I needed. And he was right. I came after a few minutes, during which his cock filled me perfectly, and his lips found mine and refused to let go. He wrapped me from every direction and came right after I did.

"It's like we're teenagers," I muttered, and he laughed. "I usually last longer," he stated, not getting up, his body weight feeling almost comfortable on top of me. It was almost nice to breathe heavily. "So do I," I retorted. His hand drew little shapes on my shoulder. "Let's go to sleep," he decided, standing up slowly, reaching out his hand and pulling me toward him. Not forgetting to give me another kiss on the lips, a small one. As if it had happened a million times before. As if it were a routine.

"Your bed should be illegal, Donaldson," I said after he tossed a soft T-shirt he had in his closet over me. He lay down beside me, laughing. "I can't believe you're here. I was afraid it wouldn't happen," he said, with a seriousness that felt profound. "How long have you been thinking about this?" I tried to sound amused. "Since the moment I stepped into your office," his honesty was both terrifying and comforting. No one had talked to me so openly in a while. "probably before that" he added. "You can't waste my time, Art," I replied, looking up to catch his gaze. . . . Art took a moment to nod. He already had a ring for you. Even before you broke up with that idiot, he had bought the ring. He didn't know where life would lead you. He just knew he was going to spend every free moment proving to you that he loved you enough not to waste your time. Not when you were his favorite person.

How are we doing guys?!?!?!?! Can't wait to hear from you. That's my chance to remind y'all that English is not my first language and I might have some grammar issues. love you all, hope it was a good addition to the story <3

taglist: @lalalandofive @wild-rose-35 @theynothem @angelism13

[nebuladreamerrr]

Hands of healing| Kylian Mbappé x Fem Reader

REQUEST: "Can I have some fluff where reader comes home from getting her nails and toes done so when she comes home the house is all quiet so she looks for Kylian and he’s in bed sleeping and notices his feet out of the covers so she decides to play mischief as she can’t resist to tickle him, poking his soles, scratching his arches and playing with his toes until he wakes up all annoyed and she bes all like “well who’s gonna compliment me” so she shows him her nails and toes done so he tickles her back as payback please💗"

Summary: Kylian has always aimed to win at everything, but y/n has set out to beat him in this tickle battle. Will she be able to do it?

Warnings: English is not my first language, and it includes feet kink

They had been long months, and little by little you had stopped prioritizing those small habits that could relax you in your day-to-day life in order to keep up with your routine.

Stress had become a constant in your life, something you had accepted living with from the moment you took the job, knowing it would come with certain demands. However, over the years, you had managed to discover some techniques that allowed you to relax and remember that everything was going to be okay.

One of your favorite methods to relax was to prepare a romantic dinner with Kylian at home. Although on numerous occasions you both had dressed up to go out and dine at some luxurious Parisian restaurant with excellent reviews, deep down you preferred to stay home. Together, you would help each other prepare dinner, which frequently ended in a fun flour fight. Once you finished, you opened a bottle of champagne to toast to your achievements and future endeavors. While watching a series and dining, you caught up on how your day had gone. At the end of the night, Kylian would usually take the opportunity to culminate the evening with a more intimate union, sealing the love you both felt for each other.

On many other occasions, due to the young player's hectic schedules, you had to find ways to unwind when you were alone. This often included going out shopping at a new boutique you had discovered, meeting up with friends and family, or visiting Kylian's family. But above all, you usually prioritized your aesthetics.

For you, it was a whole ritual to go to the hairdresser and beauty salon. From time to time, you treated yourself to relaxing massages and never skipped your manicure and pedicure sessions. These small moments of self-care helped you stay centered and recharge your energy to face daily stress.

Additionally, sometimes you treated yourself to a full spa day, with sauna, Turkish bath, and facial treatments. You even accompanied these sessions with a good book or listening to your favorite music, which transported you to a state of absolute relaxation.

You had also learned to meditate and practice yoga, two activities that, although difficult at first, had now become essential for your well-being. These practices helped you find balance and maintain calm amidst the daily whirlwind.

So today had been the day to put an end to that period where you had stopped prioritizing yourself, and you finally went back to getting your nails done. You loved the whole process: from the preliminary step of trying to choose the best color while the manicurist showed you the new shades that had arrived, to the moment you saw how delicately she filed your nails to shape and prepare them for painting. You couldn't forget the subsequent massage she gave you, which always left you with a feeling of deep relaxation. Moreover, so many nail sessions had made the manicurist and you very close, and whenever you saw each other, you caught up with enthusiasm.

You were very excited to show Kylian the new nail color you had chosen: "bougainvillea." You had chosen that color remembering how, a week ago, he had praised a dress in that same shade you had seen while walking hand in hand, saying that color would suit you very well.

With that excitement in mind, you decided to put the keys in the car and drive while listening to the new songs you had recently discovered. The music filled the vehicle and made you smile, anticipating Kylian's surprise when he saw your nails.

However, your excitement began to gradually fade as you arrived home and noticed everything was very quiet. There was no noise, and the curtains in your bedroom were drawn. With utmost stealth, you made your way to your room to check what was going on. When you opened the door, you saw Kylian resting face down, with his hand wrapped around the pillow. You watched as his muscles seemed to relax in rhythm with his breathing.

The scene melted your heart. You approached carefully and sat on the edge of the bed, watching him for a few moments. You felt grateful to have someone like him in your life, someone who supported you and made you feel loved.

Seizing this moment, you sat beside him and, with a gentle gesture, stroked his hair. Although he didn’t wake up, a small sigh of contentment escaped his lips. Touched by Kylian’s soft reactions, you turned your gaze to find your bag and reach for your phone, intending to take a photo. That’s when you noticed his feet were uncovered, and a much better idea crossed your mind.

You tried to hold back, convincing yourself that Kylian surely needed his rest, but in the end, you decided to follow this sudden thought, recalling how he used to do this to tease you. So, with great stealth, you got up and approached his feet, starting to gently tickle them. You began by playing with his toes, moving them softly and slipping your fingers between the arches. Kylian stirred a bit in bed, but continued to sleep, so you decided it was time to put your real plan into action.

After a few more massages between his toes, you decided to tickle the soles of his feet. Unable to withstand the tickling, Kylian wiggled so restlessly that he almost kicked you. Annoyed, he let out a grumble and opened his eyes slightly to see who was disturbing his wonderful sleep. Upon opening his eyes, he saw you with a playful expression, although you tried to look annoyed, showing off your nails.

"It looks like no one is going to compliment my nails today," you said with a tone of feigned indignation.

With a soft laugh, Kylian replied, "Darling, they look great, but you could have woken me up without tickling me. I almost kicked your cute face."

"Very funny! But well, you can’t do anything about it now. I’m leaving you here to rest," you said, trying to pull away.

"Not a chance," Kylian retorted, quickly getting up to scoop you into his arms and put you back on the bed, knowing what was about to happen. Kylian wanted revenge and was going to give you the same treatment.

He quickly started tickling you, tracing his fingers all around the soles of your feet. The room was soon filled with your laughter, which triggered Kylian’s contagious laughter. While he couldn’t stop laughing knowing his girlfriend was now getting the revenge she deserved, he couldn’t help but think about how soft your feet were and how sensitive they were to his touch.

Taking advantage of this, he grabbed a soft feather and began to stroke all the curves and arches of your feet, running the feather around your toes. You felt a surge of intense sensations and twisted even more, laughing uncontrollably.

“No, Kylian, that tickles even more!” you yelled through your laughter, trying unsuccessfully to pull your feet away.

“Oh, really?” Kylian said with a mischievous grin. “Then I’ll keep going a little longer.” The feather glided smoothly, causing a mix of laughter and desperation.

After a while, both of you were exhausted from laughing. Kylian finally stopped tickling and lay down beside you, wrapping you in his arms.

“I’m sorry, darling, but I couldn’t resist,” he said, kissing you on the forehead. “Your feet are just irresistible.”

“Don’t worry,” you replied, still smiling. “It was fun, though definitely unexpected.”

Kylian looked at you with affection. “I love you, you know? These moments with you are what make everything worthwhile.”

“And I love you,” you said, snuggling closer to him. “Thanks for always making me laugh, even when I don’t expect it.”

You both stayed there, enjoying the tranquility and closeness of the moment. Despite the jokes and tickling, you knew that the love and respect you had for each other were what truly mattered.

[medra-gonbites]

Baldur's Gate 3 Companion Head Canon Music Edition

Ok soooo ! Recently my bestfriend and I wrote and composed a song about BG3 (which we might release one day) and it got me thinking about the Tadfools (as if I don’t already think of them 15 times a day) and imagined what their band would look like and which instruments they would play and thus voilà my rendition:

Karlach | Drums

Look at her and tell me she does not play the drums. She would sometimes have to be asked to stop because she would not notice everyone has stopped playing but her. She just has the proper energy, rhythm, not to mention arms, to rock that drum set and start a solo Whiplash style.

Lae'zel | Harmonica

“What is this shiny rectangle? “whistle metallically” Oh. This sounds… beautiful. Like the screeching of a blade on a sharpening stone, but… Better!” And that’s how Lae’zel picked up on the harmonica, true story, I was the harmonica!

Wyll | Main Vocal and Violin

Yes, Wyll would absolutely sing and dance and become an icon on the Sword Coast. He also plays the violin. I don’t know, maybe it’s the horns, but I could also see Duke Ravengard enrolling him at conservatoire at age 6 to play the violin. He writes most of the lyrics

Shadowheart | Bass and Back-up Vocals

Shadowheart is a bass player. Look at her smoky eyes and her pout: she obviously plays the bass! She matches her nail polish to the colour of her bass (black, purple, white). She is always down to jam and she also provides Wyll with beautiful back up vocals when he needs it. Her timber is quite ethereal as well.

Astarion | Electric Guitar

Astarion has massive rockstar energy. He did try to play with his teeth on more than one occasion but that breaks the strings. He has several guitars, guitar straps, dedicated stage outfits and hundreds of guitar picks (which he does not even use but hoards like a dragon).

Gale | Synthesizer

Gale is a piano player but why constrain himself to a regular piano when he can make it sound like space music. Or any other instrument really. Fender Rhodes with a distortion and reverb to the max? Yes, please. He tried the keytar and while he does like the funkiness of it, he prefers the horizontality of regular synthesizers. I also believe he’d compose a lot of the songs.

Now for the one who are not part of the band but do play an instrument:

Minthara | Band Manager

Sorry I do not see Minthara as a musician. She’d be an amazing band manager or music producer though. If I must attribute her an instrument I would say the harp as she canonically has a lute but I imagine the discipline it takes to learn the harp is quite in character and would be a funny contrast; the angelic sound it makes, opposed to… Well, Minthara.

Halsin | Bansuri

And he made it himself from bamboo or wood. He plays it during his session of guided meditation or when he is alone in the forest. Usually attracts dozens of critters and little animals and it makes him look like a Disney princess (Although he has never seen a Disney film himself.)

Jaheira | Steel Drum

She learned during her hippie phase in college back when she would travel to Puerto Rico and/or Jamaica twice a year. She still has her old steel drum and will take it out if you nag her long enough or if she is in a celebratory mood. She might play it at your LuAu themed birthday party if requested.

Minsc | Triangle

It is the only instrument that he can play. It looks relatively simplistic but it is actually quite tricky to play as it requires great timing and a little bit of technique. Minsc is a natural at both. He likes being part of an orchestra and finds the agitated man with a stick the funniest of all people.

Boo | Church Organ

I have no argument to justify this but the hilarious image of a miniature giant space hamster playing the phantom of the opera on a huge cathedral organ. 

Gortash | Acoustic Guitar (but not really)

Gortash will claim he plays guitar. He will claim it even faster if he is flirting (approximately 2 minutes into the conversation and/or maybe before even asking your name). He, however, does not. What he can do is play one song (wonderwall or alleluia take your pick) that he learned by heart back in highschool specifically to brag at parties and bag dates. In adulthood it works way less.

[dandywonderous]

What are your favorite video games? :)

you've activated my trap card

video games are the great love of my life, most of my time is spent playing video games, most of my favorite canons are video games. I think video games have such a unique way of telling stories compared to every other medium, and the huge variety in form that video games can take really gives them massive narrative potential. trying to narrow down to just a few is hard but I'm gonna do it

I was a 90s kid so my first big video game endeavors (besides a particular one but I'll get to it in the end) were unsurprisingly the Pokemon games. I started with Yellow but the ones I played the most were Silver and Sapphire, and Gen 3 is still my favorite even though I've played some of the gens since then. Crystal in particular though always has a place in my heart for introducing the female MC to the games; for most of my childhood, Pokemon and video games on a larger scale were always seen as things for boys (the boys on my playground even made me pass a quiz before they would let me play make believe Pokemon with them, a thing they did not make the other boys do) so Crystal adding the female MC felt like validation that I was welcome here. Representation matters! I remember there was also an old Scooby-doo game for the gameboy color I was obsessed with, and also shoutout to the Barbie horse adventure games lol

Final Fantasy will always have a special place in my heart for being the series that really got me into JRPGs, which has been a lot of what I've played since. FFX in particular, because it was my first, will always be special to me, but I also really enjoyed FFVIII (and I accept no slander) and FFXII, and more recently I loved FFXV (all the criticisms are true but damn it, doomed bachelor party road trip is such a fun time). At this point I've played every mainline FF game at least part way if not all the way to completion (except the MMOs, I don't really play MMOs, I'm a single player girly), and a lot of the spinoffs, especially the Tactics games (Tactics Advance man... what a good game). What most of the Final Fantasy games tend to do really well is the found family trope and that's what gets me about most of them.

More recently the JRPG that's held my heart the longest is Persona 5 (and its various spinoffs). I love these little criminals. They are all my sons and daughters. Royal absolutely perfected the turn based gameplay, I don't think it could have been executed better.

Puzzle games and visual novels are also what I spend a lot of time with. Ghost Trick is a transcendental experience - don't look up anything, just go play it. I promise the less you know the better it is. No one needs me to tell them how good Ace Attorney is but Ace Attorney is amazing; my personal favorite is actually Ace Attorney Apollo Justice, partially because Ema Skye is in it in her best incarnation (shoutout to the one other Ema/Klavier/Apollo shipper and your fanfic that has sustained me). I also loved the Professor Layton games. And I'm into less story driven, more laid back puzzle games like Stitch, which is the game I play whenever I just need to chill for a bit (unless I'm doing sudoku puzzles). Also more recently I thoroughly enjoyed In Stars and Time, which is like a puzzle RPG with an amazing story.

But especially on the narrative games front I looooooove Night in the Woods, one of my favorite video games of all. For one thing, there are not a lot of games or media in general that take place in the real world but in a small, dying rural town, and that setting and the characters' struggles and issues really resonated with me, as someone from a small, dying rural town. Also, Mae is an incredible protagonist, who is a female protagonist who is allowed to be massively flawed and not fit into the normal socially acceptable mold, but still be a hero, learn from her mistakes and get better. Also I'm not kidding when I say that this game's meditations on god, the nature of our existence, and what it means to be alive with other people genuinely changed my life. "When I die, I want it to hurt," is a line that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

I'm also a big fan of the "murder game visual novel" subgenre lol. Buried Stars is great, Dangan Ronpa is great, but 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors is what will really hold my heart forever. 999 is such a good story, the twists are presented so expertly, and the way it used its original DS format in particular to tell its story is a masterclass in understanding how the unique format of video games can add to the narrative in ways no other medium can capture. Also the puzzles are just FUN, if you enjoy escape rooms you will love this game. The other games in the series are good too even if they kind of suck as sequels. Also why do they go out of their way not to talk about Santa?? JUSTICE FOR MY BOY!

If I were a youtube video essayist I would make a video on 999 that starts with just a twenty minute rant about how the opening sequence of 999 is one of the best in any video game ever. Like, the way it establishes the tone, the perfect pacing of it, the way it gets the player tense right along with the characters... mmmwah!

I also really like tactical RPGs, especially XCOM. It's so fun, but be prepared to die because you will, a lot. It's not a game meant for people who get attached, it will break you lol. Darkest Dungeon is also really fun but the same warning applies.

And I love farming and life sims! I played the old Harvest Moons back in the day, and more recently I've really loved Coral Island. I've also been playing a lot of Disney Dreamlight Valley, which is more like Animal Crossing but still in the cozy games genre. I need to play more of Potions Permit but I've really enjoyed what I've played of that one, if you want a cozy game vibe that isn't all about farming. And also I've been wrapped up in Infinity Nikki lately, which is a gacha game but boy is it fun (I played Love Nikki for a few years after it first came out too).

And speaking of gachas, I've played a lot of those, but the idol raisers/rhythm games are the ones that really stick with me. For a looooooong time it was Love Live School Idol Festival (RIP), but right now it is Project Sekai, a game I love and play every day. For a rhythm gacha game it has a really great story and cast of characters, and I love it a lot. I'm a VBS fan but I also love/pull for Ena and Shiho.

and this doesn't fit in any of the categories but I looooved the SSX series, especially the PS2 era of games. I played so much SSX Tricky and SSX3 and SSX On Tour. (if you're confused, they're snowboarding games lol)

god there's probably so many more that I've forgotten... I really love video games haha. But there's one in particular I wanted to talk about at the end, because this is the TRUE video game of my youth, the one I put about as many hours into as I did Pokemon, the one I played over and over on Playstation until the disc wore out, a game that is honestly very bizarre, both in the circumstances of its existence and in its plot and gameplay.

and that game is Mary-Kate and Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall.

but I'm going to put all that under a cut. Thanks for the ask! This is probably waaaaay longer an answer than you were expecting haha. I JUST. LOVE VIDEO GAMES. RRAAAAH.

OKAY so Mary-Kate and Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall was a game for the PS1 featuring the Olsen Twins (voiced and everything!) It was basically just a collection of minigames with an absolutely batshit framing narrative, being that the girls go to the mall and buy matching friendship necklaces from a mysterious traveling saleswoman (I think they do call her a word you are not supposed to use, because it was the year 2000, so be aware of that if you look it up). The woman tells them that whatever they do, do not put the two halves of the necklaces together, because it's missing some gems and weird things will happen if they do. The girls walk off and immediately dismiss her advice as stupid before putting the two halves together, which instantly freezes the mall and everyone inside in time, except the girls and the saleswoman. She then tells them that if they don't find the gems that are missing from the necklace charms and put it back together, they will be stuck in the mall forever "with no money to buy anything!" (cue NOOOOOOOOOO)

so you have to play minigames to get the charms back.

most of these are pretty normal. there's one where you do a few snowboarding races (it's no SSX but I liked it well enough), there's one where you work the mall food court (this was sort of like diner dash and I loved it), there's one where you put on a fashion show that I also liked a lot. the last two are the most interesting ones.

so one of the minigames was putting together your own music video. you pick from a bunch of dance moves to make the choreo, then you pick a shoot location, then you move the camera around to film the music video while the girls dance to the song. the game had a few preset tracks, but the really fun thing was that you had the option to have the girls dance to your own CDs (by physically switching the game disc for a CD). this meant you could have them do a music video to ANY track, of ANY length. I had them dance to music from 2 B A Master (the Pokemon CD). I had them dance to all of the songs from Aaron Carter's "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)" album (it was the early 2000s!). I had them dance to a 15 minute stand-up recording by Robin Williams just to see if it would let me (it would!). I had a lot of fun with that minigame, excellent design, video game developers take notes.

the last minigame was the weird one

so if you looked at the little booklet the game sent to tell you how to play (remember when games had those??), there was a bit at the back with the pictures of two teen boys, explaining that they had won a contest to appear as characters in the game! but where could these boys be in a game where everyone in the mall is frozen in time?

in the final minigame, that's where! the plot of which sure is something!

so the final minigame is a picture taking minigame where Mary-Kate and Ashley stalk two boys they admit they do not know so they can take pictures of them, to convince all their friends that they're dating these boys.

yes, you are actually stalking them!

at the beginning of the game, which has way more cutscenes involved than the others, you learn that one of the twins (don't remember which one now) has told all their friends that they know and are dating the cute new lifeguards at the beach! of course, they literally don't even know those guys, and now their friends are getting suspicious about the dating claim. so they decide to pose with the boys in the background to give the illusion that they're on a date. the player gets points for how close the boys are in the picture, and how convincingly it looks like they're actually posing and not just walking past.

after the first couple stages where the girls just stand on a street corner and wait for the boys to get close, the boys get wise and start trolling them. keep in mind that this is all voice acted, so you actually hear the boys start to say things like "are those girls following us? why are they taking pictures of us?" this would be a horror game in any other genre but here it's just supposed to be cute and funny.

the boys troll the twins (and you, the player) by hiding behind surfboards and inside large pots, popping out at random and making it harder to get a good picture of them (but also, ironically, making those pictures look more like they're actually on a date, because why else would they be posing like this?). I remember it took me FOREEEEVER to finally beat this minigame.

at the end, the boys come up to the twins and ask them why they're doing this, and the twins confess to the situation. the boys decide to solve the problem by actually going on a date with them. all's well that ends well!

so anyway yeah that's my oral history of Mary-Kate and Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall, a game I put more hours into than almost any other game in my youth (partly because you can play it in one sitting). the 2000s were truly a wild time.

if you read to the end bless your heart

[luucypevensie]

*Slides two different JATP OCs over and runs away to hide again*

I was telling @dancingsunflowers-ocs how I was interested in potentially using Kit Connor and Joe Locke as fcs for anything, but was struggling due to their amazing on-screen chemistry in Heartstopper making it hard for me to pair them up with other fcs. Thus, she helped me create my newest babies…

First, we have Frederick “Freddie” Peters

Reggie’s younger brother who he never met

After Reggie’s death, his parents moved into the same neighborhood as Julie’s parents and had Freddie

He never knew about his older brother because their parents never talked about him

Was still heavily influenced by him through his music taste (their parents never got rid of Reggie’s music collection so they gave it to Freddie), as well as learning to play the drums

Alex becomes his idol once he starts getting to know the band through Julie

Julie and Flynn are his best friends, and whenever things are rough at home, he goes and stays with one of them

He doesn’t learn about Reggie and that he’s apart of Julie’s new band until he found an old picture of him at his house the same day Julie performs with the boys and gets back into the music program

Julie kind of meditates between the two of them since the boys can only be seen by her, but it’s a pretty emotional meeting

Oh, fun fact, in this story, Bobby and Trevor are two separate people (I’m making Trevor Bobby’s older brother because I’ve seen people do that in certain JatP fanfics), so that means Bobby died with Luke, Reggie, and Alex and Reggie and Bobby are bfs because I will die on the Boggie hill

Basically what that means is my bi king Reggie is super proud and supportive when finding out his little brother is gay

He tries to help Freddie with his longtime crush with disastrous results, which brings me now to…

Samuel “Sam” Anderson

A fellow lacrosse player with Nick, as well as a good friend

CANNOT understand why he is dating Carrie as she is not the nicest person (he also beginning to suspect that she might prefer girls over boys given the amount of times he’s seen her staring at Flynn when no one’s looking)

Adores Julie, but thinks she can do better than Nick (he loves his friend, but Nick is not what Julie needs in his opinion)

Is not musically inclined, but is an extremely talented photographer

Flynn asks him to help her with Julie and the Phantoms’ social media and he agrees

He does it because it’s good practice and he loves the band, but the main reason he does it is so he can get closer to Freddie

Boy has had a HUGE crush on him since forever

He is also a bi king like Reggie

Freddie’s Pinterest: https://pin.it/1NaPV96ZM

Sam’s Pinterest: https://pin.it/5Ygr0ighD

Their Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6WkgUNzEiWam2GNhDJY0jY?si=ZAQei6O6RymR5xqe7GEOgQ&pi=u-vfzHDVAMRUqj

The Spotify Playlist @ginger-grimm made for them (thanks again Anna!): https://open.spotify.com/playlist/57jU1gTs2enqowC11lUjD9?si=_vka2FRERgWuhX7-bSTiZw&pi=u-bxoic068TbyB

Tagging the moots: @dancingsunflowers-ocs, @ginger-grimm, @rose-of-oz, @ginevrastilinski, @thetenthdoctorscompanion, @nikosasaki, @gabbysdawsons, @aliverse

[bluelocksource]

Gagamaru Gin’s trivia (source: twt & Egoist Bible 1 & 2).

"Let’s score one more goal and turn things around." (EB1)

"Jump! Nerve transmission—my super reaction!!" (EB2)

☆ Character's colour: Silver white.

☆ Weapons:

肉弾戦 (nikudansen) = figuratively means an activity involving large amounts of physical contact, especially in sports. (EB1) Full-body spring, super reaction. (EB2)

☆ Birthday: 2nd January.

☆ Current age: 18 17 (3rd year of high school)

☆ Zodiac: Capricorn.

☆ Hometown: Wakayama prefecture.

☆ Visual acuity: 6.0

☆ Current height: 191 cm.

☆ Foot size: 30 cm.

☆ Dominant foot: ? (not aware)

☆ Blood type: O.

☆ Motto: "Natural form." (In his own theory, it means "accept the way you are and live according to your heart")

☆ Team before joining BLUE LOCK: Yasei High School football club.

☆ Starts playing football: At age 12.

☆ Favorite food: Meat. "Especially raw meat."

☆ Disliked food: Bento from the convenience store. "Because it contains preservatives and chemical seasoning."

☆ Favorite animal: Bear. ”I’m acquainted with the local mountain bears. Do you want me to introduce you to them?”

☆ Favorite season: “I like all of them because you could see the mountains and forests’ natural beauty in each season.”

☆ Favorite football player: Gareth Bale.

☆ Favorite song: He likes listening to a band called ‘Southern All Stars’.

☆ Favorite anime: Higanjima, NARUTO, BASTARD!! – Destructive God of Darkness, Tenshi na Konamaiki (Cheeky Angel), Fire Punch, KarakuriCircus, Tekkonkinkreet, Yamikin Ushijima-kun, Gin to Kin, Dorohedoro, Dandadan, and many more.

☆ Hobby: Reading manga.

☆ Mushroom shoots vs Bamboo shoots: Bamboo. "If you don’t pluck out the bamboo shoots right away, it’ll grow quickly. And I grow mushrooms at home…. Eh.. You didn’t mean the actual thing?" (he didn’t know the question was referring to the chocolates.

☆ What goes best with rice : "Wild boar meat. The one I hunted. Let’s give it a try, everyone!”

☆ Magazine he often reads: Young Magazine, Jump, Young Jump, Big Comic Spirits, and Weekly Shonen Magazine

☆ Ideal type: Cameron Diaz.

☆ What makes him upset: Animal cruelty. "I will become your opponent."

☆ What he think his strength is: His own physical ability, eyesight and hearing.

☆ What he thinks his weakness is: Machine illiterate, and doesn’t understand people’s feelings.

☆ Best subject: P.E. (been liking it since his 5th year of elementary school).

☆ Dislike/weak subject: Other than P.E.

☆ Usual sleeping time: 8 hours. "I’m embodying the proverb: ‘A well-slept child is a well-kept child.’"

(meaning: A child who sleeps well is a sign of good health and grows up strong.)

☆ What he usually ends up buying from convenience store: Young and Jump magazines.

☆ Place he washes first when taking a bath: Hair roots. ”Because that is where wild animals’ odour lingers.”

☆ Fixation: Physical beauty (both humans and animals).

☆ What will he do if received 100 million yen: He’ll return the money.

☆ How he spent his holiday: Meditating in a bamboo grove and conversing with mountain animals.

☆ What will he do during his last day on Earth: " I’ll just zone out in the mountains."

☆ Favorite historical figure: "Osamu Tezuka. Because he was the one who started manga."

☆ If he hadn't encountered soccer, what will he be doing: "Engaging in outdoor activities. Living in nature, reading manga, doing my business, and sleeping."

☆ If he could only take one thing to a deserted island, what would it be: Manga. "I can handle survival. I love deserted islands."

☆ If he had a time machine, would he go to the past or the future: The future. "I want to know if my favorite mountain still exists in the future. If it looks like it might disappear, I’ll stop it. After all, I’m the keeper."

Last updated: 31/10/2024

* The crossed words are the changes made from twitter’s answer to the answer from Egoist Bible.

note: i want to apologize if there is any mistake!

[cyberpunk-machinations]

The Sandevistan

Through the "2070s" versions of Cyberpunk (which is to say, the Edgerunners anime and CDPR's Cyberpunk 2077) many feel that RED's Sandevistan is... disappointing. I'm of the opinion that those people are correct, through incorrect means. Frankly, a Sandevistan in the 2040s and a Sandevistan in the 2070s are gonna be vastly different simply because of the time difference. I will agree, however, that +3 Initiative at the cost of an Action is kinda boring in comparison to other cyberware (I mean, come on, you have things like the Vampyres or the Popup Grenade Launcher and you're telling me you found this and the Kerenzikov so incredible you made them a category and made them incompatible with one another?).

So what's a GM to do if they want to give their players (or their NPCs) something truly deserving of the term Speedware, while not making it break anything and everything around combat? Let's take a look at the Sandevistan's description:

"short boosts of highly improved reaction time"

This may just be me, but the moment I read it, I thought: "Oh, increased REF". Well, why not do that? Not +3, of course, but increasing REF sounds a lot cooler and more in-line with the actual description. It also further proves a point that Cyberpunk RED as a system really pushes: you can train almost any skill, but you can't make your body better (aka your STATs) without chrome. But all we've seen from that is increases in BODY. Does that mean that transhumanism is dead for anyone not looking to become a high-ranking member of a Arnold Schwarzenegger poser gang? I propose Speedware would be the tool to increase bodily stats like REF and MOVE. Frankly, having the Kerenzikov give +1 REF and the Sandy give +2 for a minute before the cooldown doesn't seem all that broken to me. I plan to change them to be as such in one of my campaigns and document the results. Maybe it will be absolutely broken, I can't claim to know.

Small note here: In my vision of the Sandevistan, activating it would recalculate your Initiative with the new REF STAT but the existing d10 roll, so it still serves its original purpose of ensuring you're in the upper echelon of the Initiative Queue, albeit slightly worse to account for the extra flexibility that moving the bonus from Initiative to REF provides.

One other change you can make is whether activating it costs an Action. During the cyberpsycho encounter of David Martinez and Co. we see his Sandevistan be activated as a reflex, while he was stunned by the horrific sight. Doesn't sound like he was taking an Action to me and having something that boosts your reaction time require you to be aware of a threat and react to it sounds a bit counter-productive. Now, of course, David's Sandevistan isn't an ordinary one, but doesn't having an emergency bullet time button implanted in your body, ready to be triggered if someone trips the tripwire, sound cooler than something you activate in advance? It's like what you implanted is a way to never be caught by surprise again. Another problem that comes up more in the roleplay side of things with having it cost an Action is... what Action is the PC taking? Are they pressing a button? Meditating to proc some internal trigger? Are they just standing there, menacingly? It's true that by not having it cost an Action you turn it into a Kerenzikov but better, but since we're willing to play harder on the Sandy's strengths, we can play harder on its weakness: the cooldown. Sure, it's not an Action, but you can only use it once per day, rather than once per hour. This also allows for a modification that a Tech could make: removing/reducing the cooldown, and receiving the consequences of removing a safeguard. Ok, you made a 1/day Sandy into a 1/hour Sandy, but every activation that goes beyond the original 1/day limit will deal Nd6 damage, with N incrementing by 1 for every "illegal" activation, resetting when the PC gets 6+ hours of sleep. That limit was there for a reason and you bypassed it. There are consequences. If you accept them, hell yeah your chrome's significantly more powerful. If not, just use it as normal and you'll have that extra activation for emergencies.

But what if we forget about balance and seek pure power?

Behold, the point allocation system. Say your Crew got their hands on some shiny mil-spec chrome. A Sandevistan only given to the elite of the elite of the NorCal military, SAS-style operatives. In such a profession better reflexes aren't enough. So, NorCal R&D modified the design to allow for a better variety of chemical injections and neural pathway optimisation. When activated, it allots 5 points to the user. The user can allocate these points between REF, DEX(by having faster motions and more time to make exact movements) and MOVE, with a minimum of +1 to any STAT. Is it used by a gunslinger that hides behind cover? +3 REF, +1 DEX, +1 MOVE. Now THAT's some preem Speedware. Martial Artist that gets up close and personal? Here's the depth: either +1 REF +2 DEX +2 MOVE if they have trouble closing distances and hitting targets, +1 REF +3 DEX +1 MOVE if they're already next to the target and want to make sure they hit 'em OR +2 REF +2 DEX +1 MOVE 'cause they'll now have the ability to dodge bullets by reaching REF 8. Slap a nasty cooldown or other cost on the sombitch and you've got some real cyberpsycho chrome.

[foulbearobservation]

I had a garbage day, so please allow me to share some hcs about what video games the ot4 likes:

Beatrice loves Tetris. It's close to meditation for her. Simple but intricate, sacrifices made now for greater gain later....it's quite common for one of the others to have to gently pull her out of an hours long Tetris trance

Lilith enjoys tactical rpgs (if you've ever played the Disgaea series, I'm thinking specifically of those games). She likes planning her strategies, exploiting enemy weaknesses, and loves sitting back after hitting execute on her commands and watching her opponents fall like dominoes. She can get very, Very attached to her created characters, and has been known to go on a vengeance spree if one of them is killed

Ava enjoys any game where she can cause chaos. She flips between those all-star brawl games (the kind where Arya Stark can punch Scooby-Doo in the face), and open world games where she can piss off the cops then take off in a fast car. She also has a deep love for NES era Mario games; all they had at the orphanage was a donated NES, and Diego would play it for hours while Ava coached him through the levels

Camila loves a good story in her game. She tore through the new tomb raider trilogy and has replayed all of them at least 3 times. Her favourite is the first one, and she can often be found perched in a tree, hunting and admiring the view.

They love to play multi-player games together. Any Lego game goes well, but Portal 2 can only be played if Bea is one of the players, and Goldeneye was straight up banned after a round ended in actual bloodshed

⏹️

Beatrice loving Tetris is so fucking real!! I also think she would love card games like she would go so hard for legends of runeterra in my heart. She likes the strategy and adjustments and quick matches like she's a card game nerd at her core (I think she would like magic the gathering but she doesn't like having to take up physical space with her collections so she sticks to the digital tcg's)

May I also suggest. Ava and Lilith as both fighting game stans but ava likes the unserious ones while Lilith plays Tekken with like. A deathly level of seriousness. They're not allowed to play smash bros. ever.

[morganyevans]

Kingston After Dark: The Body/Head connection (backup of my interview from 2019)

1991: The Year Punk Broke was pretty much my almost daily afternoon home video consumption in high school after cutting class and taking acid during the day.

I cannot understate how much the classic noise-rock and grunge-era tour documentary meant to me and opened my mind, heart and ears to a lifetime of appreciating bands with edge, passion and a feminist streak, not to mention the joy of seeing Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon clowning around with Kurt Cobain.

I never thought decades later I would get a chance to talk to Gordon myself. Her fabulous noise landscape painting band Body/Head (with fellow guitarist Bill Nace) has a sophomore record called The Switch out on indie giants Matador Records as of July 13. It is an unromanticized-yet-meditative collection of moody guitar swells and poetic fragments as well as an excellent boundary-pushing follow-up to their 2013 debut Coming Apart and 2016 live album No Waves.

It was a genuine pleasure for myself and my partner Elizabeth Gomez (a.k.a. psych folk singer Globelamp) to interview Kim and Bill before their upcoming BSP Kingston back room theater appearance on Friday, July 20.

Morgan Evans: BSP is a great, non-corporate venue that has grown out of community love and involvement. How did you end up stopping here?

Bill Nace: Someone offered for us to play there and it fit into our routing. I don’t know much about Kingston. I saw Television once. My friend Angel [Deradoorian] opened. There is a poet, Ben Estes, who actually used to live with Kim who I think lives up there now and runs a publishing imprint called The Song Cave. Is Grasshopper from Mercury Rev still there?

Morgan: Yeah, he’s my friend! I am hoping he will do a song with me on my next Walking Bombs album. Kim, I wanted to know if you saw The Center Will Not Hold documentary on Netflix about Joan Didion. I know you mentioned her in your memoir, Girl in a Band. Did you like it?

Kim Gordon: I did. I thought it was pretty fluffy, but I liked learning she would get up in the morning and wear her dark glasses to have a Pepsi for breakfast.

Morgan: I remember that part! It was amazing! Your music in Body/Head is so expansive. There is a lot of debate right now about visibility and why music called “experimental” is often given that category when it is made by white people and not by other races. Everyone can experience things in a unique way, even through a pop song. What was some formative music that made you start to dissect music in a different way and opened your mind? Your records are kind of an experience rather than someone performing a genre.

Bill Nace: That’s a big one. I think experimental is such a weird phrase. We are not experimenting. We know what we are doing. Experimental is like a word that is seen in contrast with pop music. I never feel like I am commenting on pop music or trying to deconstruct that. It is more our own thing. Everyone thinks of pop music as the norm but that doesn’t have to really be the case. There are unlimited access points into music.

Elizabeth Gomez: Kim, I’ve been in the music scene only a little bit and have encountered a lot of sexism. I can only imagine how much you have, being such a pillar in the scene for so long. As a rock icon, do you have any advice for women who want to keep focusing on their art and drown that stuff out?

Kim: I would just … play louder [laughing]. It’s no different than anywhere else, the culture. I guess I got used to working from a position as a bass player that was sort of a supportive role, initially. If you are not directly in the limelight you can be more observant about things and kind of … I don’t know. It’s so normal to be in a male dominated society that it’s kind of … I guess my bar of expectations is a little bit low. [Laughs.] Especially right now with a Supreme Court opening and everything. At the same time, you can’t really stop energy. The wrath of millions of women will be really hard to contain if Roe v. Wade gets really fucked with. It’s coming to a head, in a weird way. I hope it’s not coming to a head in like a “the end of the world” way [laughs].

Elizabeth: The bar is kind of low. I know what you mean. Our president is Trump.

Kim: I guess I am used to working with limitations, is what I am saying. I kind of like that, in a way. I make it work for me. By people not expecting certain things from you, you can kind of surprise them.

Morgan: So, the song itself and song title for your track “Change My Brain” jumped out to me. People cry about “fake news” and trolls try to muddy the waters online so people can’t determine facts anymore. It makes gaslighting easier. We all have some cultural biases, but you can just hear a song and it can make you relax or feel unity at times. That piece was strong and has a great crawling tension build. Music can reset our brains sometimes back to a better reality.

Bill: For us, we try to go in and focus and play. We play and then go back to what we have done and a world and thread happens without us trying to steer it. “Change My Brain,” I came up with that name on tour a few years ago as a possible 7-inch title. We had been on tour for awhile and I just felt insane. I think we like titles like that that are really open so the listener and audience are active participants, rather than putting a fine point on anything.

[gender-gaming-and-gears]

I've pulled out my laptop to write this one lol, this'll probably be a longer post.

It started out as an obligation. It's got to be more than 3.5 years ago at this point, but I never lived for myself, I lived for everybody else in my life. And to think this was over a group of shitty friends who I walked my ass back to like a beaten dog, loyal to death in a very literal sense, looking back that person who died was a fool, but it means that I am still alive.

It never stopped being an obligation, but eventually I lived for spite. Getting left for dead by that friend group meant that I had to shape up as a person, meant I knew I had to be better, and if I was going to get fucking kicked out of that stupid friend circle then by the gods was I going to thrive, and I think half of me expected I wouldn't make it more than a week. I did, considering that was roughly 3 years ago.

I think I accidentally stumbled on my own little cure for depression in that short blip, because I found that actually trying to foster new friendships, get a handle on my filter and my actions, and process my emotions made me feel human again, even if it was out of spite. For years I felt like I was heeled at peoples feet, and despite having fallen back into those relationships since then, I realized that getting better was actually possible. The shit side of that epiphany was that I never lived for spite, I was still living for the standards of others.

I've also always been in sport, working hours every day for training and while I've always taken it somewhat too lightly, I took it as an outlet. Not improving for the standards of others, but using others as a ruler for my own standards of myself. If other athletes went some speed up a hill, I wanted to be just a little bit faster up a hill than them, etc. Training hurts like a bitch, but I made it my meditation, because even if the training hurts like hell, it only hurts a little bit each and every moment, and every hour passes a little bit faster. This kind of "meditation," even if it sounds a bit cringe in revising this writing, was something I had to force my brain to ignore somewhat, since most people (including myself) normally don't just seek out pain because it's fun. Not only is it somewhat meditative, but training for a sport is a very distilled version of chasing your goals, since there's an active hierarchy for how well you're doing, and like pursuing any goal it takes days on days of working for little moments that all add up.

Living for myself actually started with me going a little bit crazy (as well as one ex who taught me that I could be worthy of love, and that genshin players aren't all unshowered (jokes ofc)), and that was with crazy talk was between myself and the mirror. Joy above, I was talking to myself in the mirror. All jokes asides, it helped me get more in touch with myself, talking through my emotions, feeling and seeing the pain and joy splayed against my face, and it reduced all of my unfiltered and scattered thoughts into one stream of unprocessed trauma to talk about in my mirror stained with the remnants of hard water. The rest of that mirror talk was the cliché stuff, giving myself compliments and trying my hardest to believe what I was saying, trying to talk through what I thought I did well each day and thinking of how I could improve, etc. Trying to tell myself I deserved forgiveness and deserved to value and claim my life as my own was impossible, but you can't just talk to your reflection and get past that kind of trauma.

What helped me figure out how to live for myself and live for my future was to just start fucking around. I got closer to friends, wallowed in my own sadness, played video games shamelessly and without having "earned it" from a days work, kicked rocks in back alleys, read good fanfiction, processed my transition goals, and had fun. I hooked up, I hurt people, and the lesson I tried to take away from all of those times wasn't only a reflection on who I am, but first and foremost how I tried. I raced hard, trained harder, and didn't earn a single medal for my entire competition season last year, and I realized I needed to train harder, I saw the reflection in the effort of my training. Most importantly, I did the things I wanted because that's what I wanted to live for. I didn't slog through hours upon hours of social studies homework, mainly because it was in French, but also because I didn't want to do it, and I knew I'd pass better than a 50% with the grades I had, and I knew that if I tried to force myself to break my back over Shakespeare in the mental condition I was in, I'd have probably jumped back to the mental space I was in during paragraph 2.

My trauma started as my motivation to get better, but eventually it became a different but equally driving motivator to heal. My training helped me learn the effort and drive required of me to improve and progress in what I choose, and it taught me that healing would be hard, suck balls, and be long, but the time would pass anyways. My fucking around showed me what made life worth living, showed me the boons of my survival, and it was also fun to play my funny block game :]

This bit of personal brain vomit is deeeeeefinitely all over the place, but I hope it helped :]]]]] TL;DR: First I learned to improve myself, then I realized I couldn't just improve myself for others, then I realized I needed to force my brain to improve for my own sake, then I learned to listen to myself, then I realized I actually need to live the life I wanted to live, and not live as a husk of myself.

I'm very sorry to ask something like this, I've really been struggling with this question, and I wanted to ask the combined wisdom of the people on this site

I would like to know why you keep going, and what drives you to keep living. I know there are a lot of reasons to stay alive and enjoy life, I can think of a few that personally resonate with me, but I really want to know what your reasons are

You do not have to comment on this if that's too big of an ask, and I'm very sorry for asking something like this, I really need someone's help, I feel like I don't have much purpose

Also if I may ask, please don't post any suicidal ideation in the comments of this post, I really can't handle something like that right now

[aprayerforclarity]

10/18 - Ace of Cups Reversed

Meditating just now I realized there can be two major ways that the practices I do change the effects of the action. The original way I practiced meditation is through total sensory deprivation. This way, I blindfolded myself and put in ear plugs. It is a very radical way of practicing meditation. Immediately, once choosing to tune into your thoughts, they swirl and swirl around in an almost overwhelming manner. Not that it feels bad, it just feels pretty chaotic. I view it as a way of checking in on my thoughts. I do not judge them, or seek to do anything about them. I do not try to change them or silence them in any way. I just let them flow. In a way it is fairly uncomfortable, and not exactly fun. I feel that sometimes I may turn away from meditating this way. I've been trying to work on my willpower and mind control, an making myself do this practice, but honestly it just becomes a bit of a thing I unconciously try to avoid now.

Just now I practiced

I'm thirsty, I'm going into the other room to grab a glass of water and then I'll be back to finish this thought.

As an additional example of how I feel like I have some form of ADD, while I was gone to get a glass of water I cooked and ate a steak. Then I answered my texts messages and made an appointment with a friend.

Anyways, I've now done a couple of meditations with audio playing. I don't think guided meditations sound very appealing to me at all, but frequencies are appealing. I've been playing the album Trilogie De La Mort by Eliane Radigue. I remember my old friend Lyndsey saying she had a transcendental sexual experience with herself when she listened to it back when we lived in Keezletown.

I've found that with frequencies playing, my mediations seem to have a different effect. I still close my eyes and actively sit. My thoughts still come bubbling up, and just as them seem to materialize in my head they are drowned out by the droning frequencies of the music. I found that this kind of sound meditation is good for smoothing the mind and diffusing my swirling mind. Its good for resetting my mind for clarity and improved cognition, like resetting the cache in a browser or on a computer. I seem to really like this and I'm curious to continue practicing in this way. Perhaps combining the two could be very powerful.

Anyways, as far as other things that are currently on my mind is the new Atlus RPG, Metaphor: Refantazio. This game has absolutely consumed me. This game made me realize again my true love and enchantment JRPGs have over me. Of course the fantasy world is pretty compelling, dealing with themes of capitalism, racism, injustice and fully realizing the different sides of yourself. But what I really love it the combat.

I'm realizing how much I love planning things out and synergizing characters abilities to maximize whatever outcome I'm looking for. Like many Atlus games, there's a time management element that overarches the whole experience. In this game, a week consists of 5 days. Each day consists of two timeframes, morning and evening. You have free reign to run around, shop for items, talk to people and accumulate requests, and build social bonds with various teammates and supporting characters. There's a weather component in the world, and on bad weather days, you lose certain battle abilities when exploring dungeons. The game just sets up systems where players have to be strategic when deciding what activities they're planning to do during their days.

It is just so much fun. I really really love all the layers to the game. The storytelling, the combat, the characters and the world all have so much to them, sometimes to the point of being slightly overwhelming. It's well known that Atlus games are very dialogue heavy, and I will admit I have been skipping some dialogues or character comments during certain points in the game. However, the most recent plot point that happens actually kept my interest, and even moved me. It even scared me and provoked thoughts about losing a child and what that can do to a parent. This game just keeps unfolding and surprising me at every point, in the most satisfying of ways.

As far as the combat goes, I would have to say this game has my favorite of all the Atlus games I've played. They've made a lot of improvements to the combat systems, like including turn order numbers and turn counters. It's a slight but substantial tweak on how landing critical or weakness hits on enemies rewards you, and it encourages flexibility and better strategizing.

I'm playing this game on Hard mode, and it's completely satisfying me. What I like about playing games on Harder modes is that, in order to be successful, you need all the leverages and advantages you can get. You achieve these by fully implementing all the game mechanics to your favor, which requires more thought and satisfying maneuvering. It adds real variety to the game that keeps it engaging.

It's very inspiring to me and makes me want to make a game like this. I've actually already starting, using Cursor code visualizer and Monogame's C# game framework. I went with that framework because it's free, open source, cross platform, and of course Eric Barone used it to make Stardew Valley. I'm looking forward to continuing to experiment with it, but I still know very little about major development concepts. I need to ask questions about it, but to be honest I've been so consumed by Metaphor and unmotivated because of the upcoming holiday chaos. For now, I don't really care. I'm going to continue playing Metaphor and enjoying it to it's fully extent before I go away to Florida! I'm hoping to work on it in some downtime there and over the holidays, but we'll see about all that!!! :)

[tuwasduwillst]

I Finished Veilguard (Spoilers Version)

This is my spoilery Veilguard post! And also my screenshot dumping post, because I didn't want to have to worry about spoilers when I have an entire game worth of screenshots to share (I meant to make more posts while I was playing, but I wanted to finish before I had to go back to work, so I was on a time limit... and Firefox has been crashing my PC lately, so I had to keep it closed while I was playing u_u).

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

I have no idea where to even start.

Like I said in the other post, I really enjoyed the game. I've been waiting almost a decade for some of these plot threads to get resolved, or have literally anything done with them, and now it's over.

I played as a Mourn Watch elf, romancing Lucanis, with an Inquisitor that romanced Solas and vowed to save him.

And it was a great first playthrough! I loved my faction, I loved that I got to react to all of the elf stuff as an elf without any "What's Mythal?" moments*, and I absolutely loved what ended up happening with Solas and the Inquisitor in my playthrough. I expected nothing, maybe a throwaway line at most, but there was so much more than that.

(* speaking of this, it was funny to me how much elven Lavellan used while speaking to Solas. Making up for the past, I see. :P (Though she uses a fair amount in Trespasser as well, I suppose.))

The game was gorgeous, IMO, especially when it came to textures and lighting. I'm so glad a BioWare game finally has good hair, it's like a miracle.

I can't think of much I didn't enjoy, in the end, especially when thinking about the game as a whole. I do think it's too bad there's a forced sacrifice, I guess, but IMO that's necessary sometimes, unfortunately. I'm not sure how poorly everything could go because I got the "best" ending; I might experiment with it eventually, especially if it's needed for achievements.

I think the companion quests were pretty good, and I enjoyed the ones where you're just hanging out with a companion somewhere. Sometimes they got a little overwhelming? But that's probably because I was pushing myself to finish the game before I had to go back to work, at least partially.

Rook is a fun protagonist, IMO; a good balance between Hawke and the Inquisitor. I'm not sure how "same-y" Rooks will feel between playthroughs, but hopefully there's enough of a difference with tonal options that it doesn't feel like I'm playing the same character over and over again...?

My biggest criticism about Rook (and kind of the start of the game) is that I really wish they would have allowed players to play through The Incident that got them sent away from their factions for a while. It would've been a good intro to the factions and game mechanics, a good intro to Rook meeting Varric, and then you could've had a time skip to where the game starts now. It also would've provided the space for some of the roleplaying decisions you make in the meditation room in the Lighthouse, if they wanted.

That said! Rook grew on me very quickly, and I'm genuinely sad to leave them behind now. I would love at least one DLC or something, but I know that BioWare has said they've got everyone working on the next Mass Effect now... :( And I love Mass Effect, don't get me wrong! But I really love Dragon Age.

Like I said above, I don't know how poorly things can go in the ending, so maybe that complicates things too. The more variables you add, the more you have to account for when it comes to DLC, which means more time and money spent. The game coming out at all is a miracle, so hoping for more might just be greedy at this point. (Still going to hope, though...)

I read the comics and read through Tevinter Nights/the site's short stories, so I picked up on all of the cameo appearances. I think my favourites were Antoine and Evka (they made Antoine so cute), Teia, and Myrna, appearance-wise! I was happy to see Viago as well, but for some reason I imagined him being a little heavier?? So seeing him skinny was a bit of a shock to me haha.

I thought it was a bit weird sometimes to be making life decisions for the companions, but overall I was happy with my decisions. I was torn about the one for Emmrich, because my Rook could've gone either way... but eventually I went with the more emotional option rather than the straightforwardly intellectual one (my Rook is a compassionate, peppy, goth nerd (without the goth clothing options sob)).

I only felt bad about one decision I made... but I would have felt bad either way for that one, so... RIP me I guess. Well, actually, I felt bad about two decisions and both of them were ones I would've felt bad about either way haha (but one would've also locked me out of my Lucanis romance, which is obviously unacceptable).

The Lucanis romance was something that I loved, but definitely wished there was a little more to. Not enough to be upset about it, but... I feel like I'll definitely be glad it was my first romance once I do another playthrough, judging by comments I've heard. Even just one more scene between acknowledging that Rook was interested and them being together would've been fine, IMO! Or after them getting together but before the other stuff, I don't know.

In the end they're super cute together so I don't really care too much, it's just something that I noticed while playing. I'm definitely hoping there'll be fanfic to fill in some blanks... or I might have to actually write something myself (unlikely, but not impossible).

To be honest, there were some moments during Crow quests too where I thought Lucanis would speak up for sure and he just... didn't, so I'm not sure what's up with that, either. Bugged companion responses? Nothing written for some reason? Maybe he was half-asleep and Spite was bored. Who knows, I guess. (Again, though, overall I really enjoyed Lucanis and his romance.)

I loved the wing thing in his romance scene. Very cute.

Look at the cute smile on his face as he looks at Rook 😭Augh they're adorable, I just wish there was more... maybe I'll have to commission something. Probably them cuddling and drinking coffee or Lucanis napping on Rook's lap or something, idk. Something cute, more than likely. (If you know of any artists that might be interested and has comms open, let me know. >_>)

Getting sidetracked, oops...

I enjoyed all of the companions; if I had to pick a least favourite, it would probably be either Davrin or Taash. I enjoyed them both still! But the former has the problem of griffons being nearly his entire identity, and the latter has the problem of their... well, identity being nearly their entire identity. There's enough other stuff there that I don't dislike them, but in comparison to the others I just felt they weren't as interesting, personally.

I'm hoping that maybe their romances will add more to them...? But we'll see.

I swear I had more specific things to say, but I can't remember them at all, so I guess I'll end things here! I'm happy to answer any questions anyone might have, with spoilers or as spoiler-free as I can make it, and I guess now I've got to decide what to do next.

[lovethewayyoudoso]

Hobbies

Fun little blurb about the boys fairly early in their relationship.

~1200 words (2 pages)

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“What do you do for fun? You know, those days you’re not either across the world at a tradeshow or at some fancy party.” Toshiya rolled his basketball on the ground between his feet. He was taking a break, sitting on the pavement with his arms behind him to prop himself up. Yellow sleeveless gymshirt over mid-thigh red shorts, both red socks recently tugged back up over his ankles before they were lost in his tried-and-true sneakers. His hair was pushed back off his sweaty forehead, a recently emptied water bottle nearby. He looked over Rosaire with contented eyes, happy to visit with his man if only for a short while.

Rosaire found himself kneeling nearby, his briefcase fallen over and sunglasses tucked on his shirt collar. He was in a fine charcoal suit, his shirt and tie both different shades of blue. It was a particularly masculine look that was completely betrayed by his designer boots and the fine, custom jewelery adorning his neck and ears. Even the little speck of a piercing on his nose had been swapped from the usual gold for a small blue gemstone. “Other than go out with you?” Full lips smirked, eyebrows rising.

“Well, that’s a full time hobby for sure… but…” He tilted his chin up with a smug little smile, as if beckoning for a little peck of a kiss that never came. Instead Rosaire grabbed hold of one of Toshiya’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze before letting his hand trail down to rest on a delightfully swollen bicep.

“I don’t have much time these days… I guess I mostly just hang out on social media.” He paused and looked over the other man. “I suppose I’ve never really had any hobbies that weren’t some form of socializing.”

“Really? No art or sports--”

“Do I look like I play sports?”

“Well,” Toshiya reached up with his opposite hand and laid thick fingers on the fine ones that held his arm. “You’d probably make a good tennis player, golfer… gymnast? I’ve seen the way you can bend…”

“Toshiya…”

Another cheeky smile. “Video games?”

“When would I have the time?”

“Card games or board games or-- ooh, what about tabletop games?”

“No, no, and definitely no.”

“Hmm. Well, maybe we need to try something new together? Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to try? I could show you how to play ball! I’m not very good at shooting though, more of a defense player…”

Rosaire chuckled as he checked his watch, “Can you imagine me trying to throw a ball all the way up there?” He nodded toward the half-court’s hoop. “I think I’d dislocated a shoulder in the process of aiming.”

“Oh, come on…”

“And I don’t have much of an eye for the arts, to answer your earlier question. I tried writing and painting at various points in my life on the advice of my therapist and I kind of feel like it made things worse.”

“Isn’t art supposed to be subjective? Or an outlet for your emotions? It’s not supposed to be perfect afterall!”

“Toshiya, I went to mix the blue and the green to make teal and I somehow ended up with brown. Pretty sure the canvas was going to catch fire if I kept at it long enough…”

A small chuckle and Toshiya propped an ankle on his basketball to prevent it from escaping. He leaned over and far more directly gestured for a small kiss. “I can teach you calligraphy. I do that, you know?”

“Do you now?” The hint was taken and the pair joined briefly at the lips.

“Oh yeah! Takes a steady hand but it’s… you know, meditation.”

“Hmm,” he looked down at his watch one more time. “You know, I … actually do have one hobby.” Blue eyes looked back up to catch black-brown eyes watched him with a small blush on his cheeks. “But…”

“But..?”

Sigh. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

“I would never. As long as it’s not stamp collecting.”

“... It’s philately.”

“… what?”

"Stamp collecting."

A light chuckle but Toshiya realized the other was being serious. “Really?”

“Really. It’s quite the impressive collection, I must say.”

“I… you’re going to have to show me this collection next time I’m over.”

“So you can laugh at it?” Rosaire stood up and tidied his suit, finding his briefcase once more and dusting it off. Right behind him was Toshiya rising to his feet. He looked far more serious now, definitely trying his best not to chuckle in disbelief.

“No, I want to see it! I mean, you know, I was joking when I said that, but if that’s really your hobby then I want to check it out!” He pushed his hair back over his head once more, adjusting himself before putting both hands on his man’s shoulders, sliding down his arms to coax his hands into a loving grasp. “Do you really have to go already?”

“I do; I’m sure Louissant is getting antsy to leave for the airport.”

Toshiya sighed and leaned down to provide a kiss, and another. They had already said their formal goodbye the night before but the men just had to visit once more before yet another multi-day business trip took Rosaire away. “I’m serious, Ros. Show me your collection when you get home, and I’ll bring over my portfolio of calligraphy!”

“You have a portfolio? For what purpose?” Long brown braids hung over one shoulder as Rosaire tilted his head with a smirk, receiving another small kiss.

“I wanted to start a video channel about it. You know, on YouTube! But you know me, I don't know how any of those things work online… I gave up before I started.”

“Mmm, well, when I get back we can share those, hmm?”

“After we share a little something else…” Another kiss, pulled into an embrace for a final farewell. Rosare looked up at his man with a little smirk, which was given the reply of playfully raised eyebrows. “I’ll miss the way you look at me when I’m being embarassing.”

“Let me know when I need to send a selfie with that exact expression.”

“You’ll use up all your data!”

Rosaire chuckled and offered one last kiss and, “I’ll see you in a few days, Toshiya,” before he slipped on his sunglasses and departed for where his gleaming white car was waiting. A little wave, and blown kiss from the court up to the car, and once the shorter man was gone Toshiya turned around and retrieved his basketball.

A few dribbles and he shook his head, “Stamp collecting?” He shot at the hoop and completely missed.

-

[theloniousbach]

COUCH TOUR: SHAKTI (ZAKIR HUSSAIN and JOHN McLAUGHLIN with Ganesh Rajagopalan, Shankar Mahadevan, Selvaganesh Vinayakram) with JOHN SCOFIELD, RYMAN AUDITORIUM, 31 AUGUST 2023

Let’s hear it for streaming and in this case Peter Shapiro’s Capitol Theater operation for putting this one up. Much as I appreciated John McLaughlin’s acoustic turn after the Mahavishnu Orchestra and, even then, being intrigued by Indian music, I did not get into Shakti. They are a big deal but I doubt I would have gone to see them.

But a stream and the chance for a music meditation on a momentous day with lots to process seemed like a good way to spend the evening of the last day of my day job.

It was.

The unexpected bonus was JOHN SCOFIELD doing a 45 minute solo set with loops and such. He was on the bill and somehow I imagined, jazz like, he’d sit in for guitar fireworks with JOHN McLAUGHLIN. Instead, Scofield sat down and played used a pick and fingerpicked things that were generally song and, at the Ryman, evoked a little bit his album of country tunes and his Hudson work with Jack DeJohnette. Not any of the Hudson songs but he did The Times They Are A-Changing and Julia off The Beatles’ White Album. Blue in Green was in there with lots of effects deployed, well, effectively. The final medley started with The Derry Air/Danny Boy and included a pop song and then some twang. I have heard Scofield on his own projects but also in jam bands situations with Warren Haynes and Phil Lesh. Then he surprised me with an effective set with Bill Charlap as part of 92NY’s Jazz in July. Then this.

Then SHAKTI. McLaughlin played electric, not acoustic, sometimes with midi effects. He was sitting down so it wasn’t pedals but he did have a laptop. He is a remarkable player to be sure and I’m thrilled to have seen Mahavishnu blow the roof off Hoch Auditorium in Lawrence, Kansas, in 1973 or 4. But, overall, I appreciated him more than liked him. Miles on Jack Johnson probably got him to play more directly. Even here it’s too cerebral. Indian music is wonderfully complex and he can hang with these masters, especially ZAKIR HUSSAIN. But they have it organically, witness an extended solo by the other percussionist Selvahaganesh Vinayakram on a small frame drum with some of the wonderful Konnokol vocals that are superficially like scat singing. Everyone else confidently found the one in the complex rhythms, something like 17 or 25, with two pulses working with and against one another. McLaughlin found it most of the time, but he was tentative.

So actually Hussain—who is part of Mickey Hart’s Planet Drum though I haven’t seen him with that, more with Dave Holland and Chris Potter—who is the magnetic force. Clearly he has big ears and drives the fusion. Those rhythms and watching them happen live was well worth it. The Konnokol is certainly part of that. Ganesh Rajagopalan is the primary vocalist and he has range, power (there was one very sustained note), and amazing rhythmic deftness, but they all can add this form of scat/mouth music that adds layers. Shankar Mehadavan’s violin, held more vertically and not tucked under his chin, matched McLaughlin in the unison sections while being its own evocative solo voice.

I am not heading back to the McLaughlin recordings nor the Shakti nor Zakir Hussain discography. But let’s do hear it for the streams that made it reasonable to see this music at a particularly apt and opportune time.

[independentartistbuzz]

Indie 5-0 with Saint Luminus

The list of professional guitarists who had to completely relearn to play their instrument is a short one: jazz guitarist Pat Martino comes to mind, as does former Danzig guitarist John Christ. You can add to that distinguished shortlist electro space-rock guitarist, Saint Luminus. 

As his earthling name, William Rustrum, the instrumental guitarist-composer reached dizzying shred heights. Formerly, he fronted the premier Megadeth tribute, Hangar 18, and earned the opportunity to perform the thrash titan’s daunting back catalog with actual Megadeth band members. But after his 15-year thrash metal sojourn, the Los Angeles-based artist saw his physical playing ability crumble, and he had to start from scratch on the instrument.

Today, he’s as dexterous as ever, but he uses his technique in service of bringing the meditative sounds of the Universe and progressive rock together in one harmonious sonic experience. His sublimely melodic instrumental compositions have been called “cosmic vacations” due to their otherworldly majesty. Saint Luminus songs glow with dreamy atmospherics, tasteful passages of lyrical shred, and musical motifs that exude a bluesy longing reminiscent of Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour.

We got a chance to speak with Saint Luminus about his new song “Cosmic Courier” and his musical career. So, let’s dive in:

Congratulations on the release of "Cosmic Courier"! Can you tell us a bit about the inspiration behind the track and what it means to you personally? Well I started listening to chill lo-fi tracks because they had such an interesting vibe and they tend to use more extravagant jazzy chords. Then I started improvising over them and then sharing videos of my improvising to these tracks on social media. Surprisingly, lots of people commented on how they enjoyed the "Smooth jams". So why not make my own version. My intent was really to take the listener on a ride through our amazing Universe. I wanted to try something unexpected because most people know me as a Rock guitar player. Now the reaction from people has been very meaningful. I gott comments telling me how this was playlist material for slow and chill jams. Others told me how it made them feel things just by listening. To be able to produce music which affects people like that has been eye opening and rewarding. I sense there is a hunger for this type of music.

"Cosmic Courier" blends rock guitar with ambient textures and lush soundscapes, creating a dreamy and otherworldly vibe. How did you approach combining these elements to create such a unique sonic experience? I absolutely love good soundtracks for film and television. Today's modern soundtracks have so many textures and soundscapes which really create a vibe for what's happening onscreen. I always felt that the only thing missing is a guitar melody, unique riffage, and a killer solo. My approach is to start by writing a good old fashioned rock song with different sections and to have a guitar melody. BUT, the song has to be produced with lots of synths, soundscapes, echoes, verb. I entrusted my producer Troy Dexter to help develop my idea into reality. I don't want it to sound like a typical rock song. I want it to be a journey with a lot of unexpected surprises. In other words, I wanted to make music sound different.

As a guitarist, you have had an interesting journey, having to completely relearn to play the instrument. Can you share with us the challenges you faced and how you overcame them to reach the level of skill and dexterity you have today? Oh man, I could go on for days about this. The first challenge was having to quit the Megadeth Tribute band I was in. And I couldn't even join any bands or doing anything because I was solely focused on relearning all over again. Watching friends continue to play out live, and seeing all sorts of new guitar players pop up and doing their thing while I was doing very slow exercises, was maddening. I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to be out there playing. One way I dealt with it was that I was still teaching music. So I was still involved in music making which was fulfilling. I had also gotten into Triathlon, the workouts and races were adventures and accomplishments. That helped keep my mind off a lot of my guitar frustration. But most importantly, watching my journey was eye opening. Though frustrated, I couldn't wait to see what would happen each day I picked up and practiced. I discovered things I never noticed in my many years of playing and going to music school. WOW!

With your background in thrash metal, what led you to transition to the electro space rock genre? How do you incorporate elements from different genres into your music while still maintaining your unique sound? Oh that's a damn good question. This arose out of my time relearning the guitar. I started hearing tones and expression I never had before from myself. I started to understand how the guitar greats were able to express themselves so freely on the instrument. Previously I thought of myself as a leader of a thrash metal group, and I play solos too. But to start to think of myself as a guitar player who uses the guitar as his singing voice in the vein of Joe Satriani, Gilmour, Santana, and more? That was mind-blowing, and I had to rethink who I was and what I had to offer.

So what do I love the most? I love Rock. I love soundtracks with electronic and spacey vibes. I really dig some electronic music, I also love the Astronomy, Cosmology, and everything outer space related. So I combined electronic music, with Space Rock, and rock in general. That's how I came up with the niche Electro Space Rock, because I don't know what else to call it. In simple terms its just rock, however, lol.

You have mentioned the influence of guitarists like David Gilmour and Joe Satriani on your playing style. How do you incorporate their expressive melodic approach into your music, and what other artists or genres have influenced your sound? Let's start with Satch. I can't shred lines like he can, though I do try. However Joe has a wonderful sense of melody & expression, and that is what I try to put in my music. I analyze the harmonic structure of his songs, write them down. And I transcribe his melodies and usually say to myself, "Oh? What a wonderful idea!" I'll then twist it around and manipulate the basic idea to give it a fresh sound.

Gilmour doesn't shred and that's so fascinating to me as he is considered one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time. We have Satch, Vai, Guthrie Govan, Marty Friedman, etc etc. And yet Gilmour is always near the top when it comes to guitar players. Just like Joe, I analyzed the harmonic structure of Pink Floyd songs, and then transcribed his solos. He makes great note choices, but those little subtleties in how he approaches the note are what make him unique. I try to incorporate his way of approaching the notes. But I also use a lot of effects for my solos in that same vein in order to take the listener for a ride. Gilmour is so damn good at taking the listener for a ride.

Lastly other influences include Carlos Santana, Marty Friedman, and Albert King. And the electronic artist I absolutely love is Tycho. His work in developing soundscapes with real acoustic instruments, and fun grooves, is amazing.