#well I just can’t stop gaining myself new hobbies so I just trying to start streaming kinda

[sunflowerpieivan]

Well…I think it won’t do any harm to post this here. I thought that one my avatar is not good enough so I decided to draw something new, so here it is, little chibi (?) bear Ivan.

It looks so clean in comparison with my usual drawings :’)

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hello!!! Your writing is so beautiful and moving!! As an author, do you ever feel like the stuff you write is not good enough? Or your ideas have already been done 1,000 times? I can’t imagine you do, because your stories are pure gold. But if so, how do you move past it and keep writing?? Do you have trouble coming up with original content? I find when I’m writing fics that I sort of stop myself mid story with doubt. Hopefully I worded that correctly. I just admire your fics so much! Thank you!!!

Hey there 🩷✨️😘 And thank you so much for your kind words, I was honestly so, so moved by your message! I'll try my best to offer some advice and thoughts on this, hopefully some of it is helpful 💕

First of all, I sure struggle with this! I have days when I feel like deleting everything I've ever written because I think it's garbage. Those thoughts usually occur when I'm comparing myself to other writers and their work (which generally differs a lot in style, tone and voice, so it's kind of redundant to compare in the first place). Also, I'm not a native English speaker, so there will always be a gap I can't cross. I will always be one, two, three steps behind in expressing myself. Still, I haven't allowed it to stop me from writing and sharing my work. (Well I have, up until this year... But better late than never, right?)

That being said, we need each other for joy and inspiration, which also means that nothing we create is 100% original in the end… and at the same time, everything is original! You write in your own voice, and only you can have a new perspective or offer a unique take on an existing idea. But tropes are tropes for a reason; they're popular for a reason, so I wouldn't shy away from using cliche pairings or recurring tropes as key concepts. Besides, they're so much fun to write!

It's only natural to compare yourself and your fics to other writers and their work, but there's a thin line between getting inspired and feeling like you're not good enough as a writer. It's so easy to feel unworthy when you see loads of new, amazing content (= other people's souls and lifeblood, condensed into a brief flicker on top of our dashboards) every day. But when you start to think about it, there's actually no point in comparing yourself and your creative input to the stream of literally thousands of works.

Even if the idea is not the most original, I keep writing until something "original" pushes through. Sometimes it's a piece of dialogue, and that's when I get interested as an author. Why did the character say that? What do they mean? Why did I write this? What's lying underneath?

I don't know if you catch my drift here or if this sounds like nonsense, but when you get curious about your writing, it starts to gain new levels, you gain new ideas, and even the most "unoriginal" idea may get a fresh new twist. And if it doesn't… who cares 💃 If you write with passion, it shows, and I think that's what matters in the end! Plot holes, or lack of plot altogether, don't matter if you and your readers can indulge in your writing.

If and when I hit a wall, I have to check who I'm writing for. I may have a hidden feeling that I'm not good enough as a creator, or that readers expect this or that and the next thing I know, I'm standing in the middle of a desert when it comes to creativity. Writing to self-indulge (in the most filthiest way if you have to) will almost always fix this issue. It's a simple gospel truth that writing what you'd like to read, works.

I'm repeating myself here, but writing should be fun; the minute it's not, I usually stop and take a break. Professional writers probably say it can't always be fun, and they may have methods to work past that slump, but because this is fanfiction and we are doing this as a pastime hobby, I'd say better keep a light approach to it and cut yourself some slack. There's no need to push it or force it.

'Good enough' is an admirable (and understandable!) aspiration when you wish to be the best version of yourself and offer your readers something fresh and unique. I say the following with all the love: good enough is also the main idea behind a violent worldview where nothing is ever enough. It's the origin of self-doubt and the feeling that we're somehow always unworthy.

To a system that always wants more, and wants it better and faster, we as imperfect creatures and emotional human beings can never be enough. Didn't mean to get deep into environmental philosophy in a tumblr ask, but this worldview is currently destroying people's sanity (not to talk of destroying the planet and its myriad inhabitants). It's not easy, but I encourage everyone to rebel against 'good enough' as much as possible! ❤️‍🔥

So you don't have to strive for good enough, you only need to strive for what moves you, what makes you laugh or cry or simply makes you feel something. That way you'll know it will move others too 💋💞💃

[blonkk]

tw suicidal ideation // eating disorders

i’ve wanted to k*ll myself since i was 8 years old. i know i was that age because i remember how i felt, how going to school felt every day, i remember my teacher, my friends and classmates, the weirdo shit i did for attention at school because i hated my home life so much and i was so desperate for companionship and compassion. i remember this is also when i started to hate my body; i wasn’t yet pubescent but i was going through weirdo changes and suddenly my body was different and i couldn’t fit into old clothes and i felt bigger and i hated it.

in middle and high school i turned completely inwards and my self hatred really got expressed through my lack of enthusiasm about anything. i went from shy to almost completely nonverbal around people i didn’t know, and in many cases kids i’d known since i was in kindergarten. i only leaned into my quiet hobbies, reading and drawing, which i did obsessively as a way to escape reality. i did it all the time. if i wasn’t reading i was drawing and vice versa. and it hurt to be so lonely but i got used to it and guess what you can always do when you’re alone ? read or draw. i also fully hated myself and my body and so even i’ve always been into clothes and fashion i dressed in whatever i thought hid me best, made me invisible.

anyways in the 11 1/2 years since i was 17 (finished school) i’ve had multiple episodes of bulimia and (i won’t say anorexia) but starving myself. i remember when i used to still fast during ramadan and i lost 20 pounds once in 30 days. but no one said shit because i was fat so it was a good thing. i wasn’t eating anything and i was lifeguarding all day in the sun….but i was fat so it was ok. nothing sends me into a downward spiral the way weight gain does. nothing. not the sadness and hopelessness i’ve felt, not the inadequacy, not the rejection by my friends and closest family, nothing compares to how sick and miserable and dejected i feel when i gain weight.

also in these years i’ve had multiple depressive episodes. i’ve tried to kill myself (chickened out last minute). i’ve seen so many therapists and been on medication and off and on again. i’ve changed my environment and situation and everything i could think of. even now i do a good job of “managing”; i take my meds, i keep myself busy and active (i spend as much time as possible outside, even just going on 30 minute walks every day if nothing else) i pursue new hobbies and nurture old ones, i try to limit my social media time, i stay away from people whose company isn’t good for me.

nothing i do stops anything real. it didn’t stop me from losing every single friend i had, after years of hating myself, after being lonely and desperate for company my whole life — it still didn’t stop me from being rejected by others when i finally grew up, gained a sense of self, got more confident. it didn’t stop my family from routinely marginalizing me, making me feel completely alien to them, letting me know how little i fit in. it didn’t stop my brother and sister from abandoning me. it didn’t stop my parents from being uninterested in me and my own goals and who i actually am.

it didn’t stop me from losing my job and being financially unstable as well as totally discouraged. it didn’t stop me from the times over the last decade or so — where i’ve been a self sufficient /independent, self assured, confident, secure person — where i’ve completely lost all hope of getting better. i spent days in my room where i didn’t even get up because there was no point. i had no one to even notice i hadn’t even gone to the bathroom by the evening. no one to realize i hadn’t eaten. or showered. or slept in days.

it didn’t stop the reality of my life !!!!!! i can’t be content in my life because i don’t get what the point is. i’m not asking for “happiness” — as a chronically depressed person i understand that happiness is a feeling, not a state of being. as a chronic insomniac i think i might have permanent brain damage or something; i can’t concentrate on anything. i can’t remember anything. i mean seriously…i don’t think ill ever be able to get anywhere in life because im so tired all the time and so sluggish and slow and i can’t fucking retain any information and it just get worse as i get older.

i don’t see the point….i don’t want to live like this. i don’t want to be lonely and unlovable. i don’t want to be a sore thumb. i want my family. i want my siblings back. i want my friends. i want my parents. but those people don’t want me….and i can’t keep being hurt by them over and over and over. but the alternative is having no one in the world im close to, no one who knows me. i know family is not everything and blood isnt everything but this is just how i feel.

i do have friends but they’re so spread out all over the world and i’m a bad friend because im exhausted with constant messaging and trying to keep in touch with everyone especially when i know that over time these friendships will fade away…i mean ive been working in seasonal/temporary settings since i was 19, that’s the way these things are. and all my other friends from my childhood/home are gone now.

yes this is rife with self pity and whining but i’m just really tired. i’m scared too. if i already feel like this now, what’s another decade gonna feel like? like i mean i can’t continue to lie to myself and say “when you’re 23 it will be better! ok maybe 25! no 28! …uh, 30?” like the delusion is dying!!! it’s not getting better !!!! what i’ve learned, actually, is that i can emancipate myself, i can build my independence and run away from the people who hurt me, i can experience those moments of happiness and maybe sometimes contentment but it’s not indicative of an upward trajectory. i’m completely fucked, as in i don’t think my memory will come back, i don’t think my brain will recover, i don’t know if someone who wanted to kill themselves by the time they were 8 years old can actually ever be normal. i don’t think someone who’s been tossed out by their immediate family from a young age can ever really love anyone or be loved, let alone feel secure and accepted in general. i don’t think ill ever feel rested and totally alert. i do feel like myself, i do feel strong in my personality and values, but that doesn’t fucking matter if i’m an island.

i hate being this way. i hate that i failed. life is supposed to get better when you come into yourself. it’s supposed to get better when you take care of yourself. i’m supposed to look back at my teenage or child self and think that sad little girl has no idea how little this suffering is going to matter! she’ll be so empowered and free one day!!!!!! like…if i could’ve seen my future, of basically being complete wretch and a failure, i’d have packed it up then and there. and now as i get closer to 30 im laughing because all i can really see is even more pain and more suffering as i get older and life just becomes lonelier and instead of getting stronger i become weaker. because ive been alone my whole life. i’ve been independent. i’ve learned how to be immensely, impossibly strong and resilient. and while many people spend their lives trying to become these things, finding freedom in them, i’m trapped. i’m completely exhausted. i dont want to be those things anymore. i don’t want to inspire other people . i don’t want to be admired for these traits i was forced to develop and lean on my whole life. i want to be loved by the people that i love. i want to believe that i deserve to be alive and get what i want. but i dont. just deep within the fundamental structure of my being i’ve never believed these things. i never even thought i was a real person who would have a real life one day. i never felt like i had a future or any potential for any human experiences and i dont know why. i just dont know. all i ever felt was shame and guilt and so inherently undeserving, by virtue of just being who i am, of anything. and its made me completely incapable of being normal

i don’t know. i’m just scared. i’m fully depressed for the first time in a while and it’s all too much. it’s too much. 28 and a half years is too much to feel like this all the time, even if it’s numbed here and there. i don’t know. i fear turning 40 in a decade and laughing at how my 30s were no better than the preceding years. i fear more intensified loneliness brought on by more rejection, self loathing, and estrangement from my family.

i’m sorry to anyone who might see this and feel sad on their own behalf. that’s not my intention. i need to get this all of my chest. i know it’s a lot of misery and self pity. im just sad right now

i just….feel so dejected. i wanted to hurt myself as a young kid because i saw my mom being hurt. i saw my dad in handcuffs. i saw my grandma encouraging my dad to hurt my mom and me. i saw my mom and dad physically try to fight over my sister. i knew they would never fight over me that way. they told me, more than once. i saw/heard my brother being physically abused. i was being physically abused. it hurt and i was scared. i was verbally and emotionally abused and it still gets me and hurts me. i’m still messed up by it. the last time it happened was when i was home just last month….it won’t ever end. it won’t ever go away. i was verbally and emotionally abused by my sister and brother and my sisters husband. it only stopped because i ran away. i know of how my mom was abused and how my grandma was and how my dad was abandoned and how it all culminates with me; someone who didn’t even experience the worst of it but is somehow the most crippled. my brother and sister made success of their lives and found people to lean on and have each other. my parents strengthened their relationship and succeeded as individuals in their lives. i can’t do it. i can’t do it for some reason i can’t overcome it. i can’t move on. and i can’t, i can’t shoulder the burden alone anymore. i have no one to help me carry this weight that drags behind me, sits on top of me and pulls me down. i want to hurt myself because it’s the only thing that ever makes sense; it’s the only thing that alleviates the intense pressure and pain of everything. it’s the only thing that ever makes me feel slightly lighter or relieved and it’s scary. i have no one to talk to or just lean on. i have no one who even knows how much it takes out of me every single day to walk around with this heavy feeling of pain and grief and hopelessness. my close friends do know i have some strained family relationships and trauma, but there is just too much to ever explain it fully, it’s too overwhelming. plus it makes people wary to know someone with so much unchecked baggage. it’s a liability. it’s the type of tragic person no one wants to be responsible for putting up with. i don’t know how to deal with it anymore because i’ve lost all my strength and resolve. i just feel like an unfortunate wasteland. there’s nothing anyone can do about it even though it’s sad. there’s nothing that can be done

[aphrostarot]

Soulmate Pick a Pile

Who is your soulmate and how can you manifest them into your life?

Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading you can click here. There I have my shop where I offer all of my readings including a month ahead spread.

*Please read before you pick a pile*

I say spirit when I am channeling and writing out your readings, if you do not believe in spirit that is totally okay, this message is still met for you if you feel that it is! Whatever you believe in is valid and you can ignore when I say spirit if you don't believe in it or, replace it with whoever you believe is giving you this message. If you have any questions or you just want to talk about this feel free to dm me!

Pile One (Amethyst):

Card representing soulmate you can manifest into your life:

Seven of Pentacles: This person may be very smart. They love to study and expand their world in multiple ways. Whether it is through, stocks and bonds, emotional maturity, business ventures, or property value, they love to learn and grow. When they are in a relationship they want to do everything the right way, take it slow.

The World: This person is successful in all that they do. They love to travel all around the world. They are the person that wants to give the people in their life especially the ones they love everything they desire.

How can you vibrationally attract this person into your life?

Three of Cups: This card is always linked to good things coming and riding the wave you are currently on. If you are feeling down and like all your hard work is not paying off spirit wants you to ride this wave, believe that good things are coming because they are. So, spirit wants you to know that as soon you start to believe that good things are coming into your life, this person will come.

A way you can be more open to receiving this person:

Death: Death is always about shedding the old and embracing the new. Once you embrace your new way of being, this more optimistic way of being, you will be more open to allowing this person the chance to come into your life the right way.

What is something you won’t be expecting about this person?

Queen of Swords: This person is a strong feminine energy (doesn’t have to be a woman) who cares very deeply about drama and conflict. They come off as bitchy and aggressive but, people know where they stand with them. You are not expecting this when you first meet them, you may feel like they are this smart and carefree person who doesn’t care what others think and that they may not stand up for themselves, not because they don’t have a backbone but that they just don’t care about the fight. You will find out they do in fact stand up for themselves and do care about the conflict, that they like it.

How will you meet this person?

Six of Wands: This is the card of success: being viewed as someone who has authority. This usually comes out to signal you gaining a following, being viewed as a celebrity of some sort. So, you will meet this person at a point in your life where you are extremely successful, a time where all your hard work has paid off.

What will you think about them when you meet them?

Seven of Cups: This is the card of having multiple choices, of needing to make a decision. You will think that this person has multiple options, that you are not the only person that they have in their life. You may also think that this person has trouble making decisions, that they are indecisive.

How will you know this person is your soulmate?

Nine of Swords:

Description:

The color red could have some significance when you meet them. They could be wearing red, it could be surrounding you when you, maybe red flowers, a red car, red walls, etc. You might really like their eyes, something could stand out to you about their eyes, they may have an intimidating stare or really pretty eyes. The number nine may be significant. It could be the ninth of the month or the ninth month in the year (September), etc.

Card Meaning:

The nine of swords is anxieties. You could find that they are anxious around you. You make them nervous.

How can you better understand the Law of Attraction?

The Star: This is the card of hope. In order for you to better understand the Law of Attraction, you need to have hope, you need to let the pessimism go. You need to understand that good things are coming your way.

The Lovers: This is the card of love. You may not believe that you are worthy of love, that love isn’t coming to you. Spirit wants you to know that once you believe that you are worthy of this, and as soon as you have hope that it’s coming, it will.

What should you know about this relationship before meeting them?

Grey: Endings are inevitable. As humans we tend to see things in black and white, forgetting to account for all the grey in between. There’s someone in your life who’s begun to fade away, or maybe they’re gone altogether now. Don’t fight it. Real relationships are not the same as the fairy tales we know and love. There are no neat and tidy bows to tie things up at the end, leaving you satisfied. Acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s a thing you need to work toward, we create our own closure. This may also not be a person who has left your life, it may be a thought process or even your old way of being. Whatever it is spirit is telling you that as soon as you let it go, this relationship will come forward.

When you do meet what will they think, feel, or say to you?

“You are so damn beautiful, that I freeze in your presence and fear making a fool of myself.”

“You are so different from anyone I know, yet you feel so familiar.”

“I’m so grateful I met you. Are you sure you’re real?”

“I feel like I’ve known you all my life, yet you are so mysterious.”

Channeled songs describing your relationship:

Our Song - Vinyl Theatre

Love Story - Indila

Can’t Fight This Feeling- REO Speedwagon

Best Years - 5SOS

Letters that may have significance:

T

A

E

I

C

A

Channeled messages (Songs I was listening to while I was doing your reading that may be worth listening to):

If you’re not the one for me who is? - keshi

I loved you but I will never know - Imfinenow

Feeling Good - LAKEY INSIRED

I Can’t Help - Sarcastic Sounds

Are You Lost - Park Bird

Pile Two (Sodalite):

Card representing soulmate you can manifest into your life:

Eight of Cups: When you meet this person will have just gone through a big change in their life. They may have just moved, or they may have just moved on from their old self and are starting a new phase in their life.

How can you vibrationally attract this person into your life?

King of Wands: This king is confident, and likes to be the center of attention. You need to embrace this energy in order to attract this person into your life. You need to embrace that boss bitch energy, embrace that you are in charge. Since this card is the card of being a hobbyist you need to focus on your career or your hobbies and by doing that you will soon embrace that energy.

The Star: Hope, have hope that this will happen, that your hard work will pay off. Focus on you and hope that it is coming and it will.

A way you can be more open to receiving this person:

Ace of Swords: Once you put 100% of your effort into focusing on your career and your hobbies your hard work will pay off, you will manifest this person into your life.

What is something you won’t be expecting about this person?

Five of Swords: This is the card of defeat. They may fear being defeated by their competition. Another meaning of this card is theft. That being said, this person may be one to steal, or they may have had things stolen from them. This will surprise you because you feel as though this person is confident and has their life together with no fears.

How will you meet this person?

The Hermit: You may meet them after a period of isolation in your life. After you have grown substantially. A period of time when you are focusing on yourself and not expecting love to come your way.

What will you think about them when you meet them?

Two of Wands: You will view them as an ideal partner to you. Someone that would be perfect by your side. You think they are someone who you will work well with.

How will you know this person is your soulmate?

Queen of Cups:

Description:

The color mint might be around you when you meet. They could be wearing it, it could be surrounding you when you meet, maybe a mint/green car, mint walls, etc. The same goes for pink. With the seashells and seahorses, you could be near the sea when you meet.

Card Meaning:

This queen is very loyal. So, this person could be extremely loyal, they could be extremely empathetic always putting others before themselves.

How can you better understand the Law of Attraction?

The Moon: The moon is always talking about deception. You currently are blinded by your own beliefs on what you think love is and how to bring that into your life. Spirit wants you to open your eyes and to clearly see what the Law of Attraction is. Bring that into your life, with hope.

What should you know about this relationship before meeting them?

Voyage: You already have all the answers. You’ve been feeling lost for a while now: wandering through your life aimlessly, searching everywhere for meaning, and never coming up with anything of substance. That’s the problem: you keep searching for answers outside of yourself when all the answers can be found within if you take the time to look. You need a spiritual mentor, and at this point in your life, that person needs to be you. You can find hope within yourself, you just need to be willing to look.

When you do meet what will they think, feel, or say to you?

“Thank you for teaching me what real love is.”

“Thank you for being so patient with me.”

“When I look into your eyes the whole world stops, and I forget where I am.”

“I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday.”

Channeled songs describing your relationship:

Bad Decisions - Ariana Grande

Disconnected - 5SOS

Stole my Heart - One Direction

Want you Back - Cher Lloyd

Letters that may have significance:

N

R

R

U

R

M

Channeled messages (Songs I was listening to while I was doing your reading that may be worth a listen):

as long as it takes you - keshi

i’m in love with u, sorry - j’san

I Don’t Sleep - Sarcastic Sounds

i promise you that i care much more than i show - furino

Pile Three (Fuchsite):

You may want to check out pile one too, there are a lot of similarities between that pile and this one.

A Card representing soulmate you can manifest into your life:

Strength: This person may have gone through a lot in their life but they have always come out the other side. They are extremely strong. They may have a lot of Leo energy. Confident, loyal, strong-willed, charming, etc.

How can you vibrationally attract this person into your life?

King of Swords: This is the most intelligent of all the Kings. They use their brain to one-up their enemies. And on top of that, they are extremely quick-witted. You need to embrace this energy, become this person. Once you do, this person will come into your life.

A way you can be more open to receiving this person:

Queen of Swords: The Queen of Swords doesn’t let anyone walk all over them. This is spirit's way of saying that you need to start putting people in their place. Quit allowing people to take advantage of you. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Once you do this you will be more open to receiving them into your life.

What is something you won’t be expecting about this person?

Eight of Wands: Since this is the card of communication, this person may be a really good communicator or, they may be talented in writing. This will surprise you because when you first meet them they may come off as this person who isn’t a bad communicator but definitely isn’t gifted in it.

How will you meet this person?

The Devil: The devil is all about desire and all things that come with it. It talks about sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. You may meet this person at a bar or a club. You could meet them at a liquor store. This card also signifies a great amount of passion, passion for something that may not be good for you. That being said you may meet them when you’re doing something along those lines.

What will you think about them when you meet them?

The Magician: The magician is represented by Mercury in astrology and Mercury is the planet of communication. So, you being shocked that they are a good communicator may come into play with what you think of them when you first meet. They may look like someone who is not the best at communication but once you have a conversation with them you will realize that you were wrong. The Magician is also represented by manifestations, that being said, you may think that this person is the exact representation of someone you have been manifesting into your life.

How will you know this person is your soulmate?

Seven of Wands:

Description:

The color red could have some significance when you meet them. They could be wearing red, it could be surrounding you when you, maybe red flowers, a red car, red walls, etc. The same goes for gold. There may be a fire near you when you meet, maybe a bonfire or a fireplace. The number seven may have a meaning too. It could be the seventh when you meet or the seventh month (July) or it could have something to do with them, their favorite number, jersey number, ect.

Card Meaning:

This card comes out when you don’t see eye to eye with someone. You may be in a fight with someone when you meet them. I would say that you could fight this person but, with the other cards coming out signifying that you would think of them as someone you have been manifesting I think it is unlikely that it is them you will be fighting with. There could also just be a fight in your surrounding area, maybe you are at a party and then two people start fighting and you two gravitate towards each other.

The World:

Description:

There may be a lot of animals around you when you meet, it could be a zoo or, they could be an animal lover themselves. This could only be for some but I’m getting the feeling that they own a snake. You could meet them abroad. They could also be from a different country than you.

Card Meaning:

This is the card of completion so, you may meet them when you have gone through a completion of some sort. Another interpretation is that you will know that they’re your soulmate because you feel complete when you’re around them.

How can you better understand the Law of Attraction?

The Moon: The moon is always talking about deception. You currently are blinded by your own beliefs on what you think love is and how to bring that into your life. Spirit wants you to open your eyes and to clearly see what the Law of Attraction is. Bring that into your life, with a new outlook on life.

What should you know about this relationship before meeting them?

Grey: Endings are inevitable. As humans we tend to see things in black and white, forgetting to account for all the grey in between. There’s someone in your life who’s begun to fade away, or maybe they’re gone altogether now. Don’t fight it. Real relationships are not the same as the fairy tales we know and love. There are no neat and tidy bows to tie things up at the end, leaving you satisfied. Acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s a thing you need to work toward, we create our own closure. This may also not be a person who has left your life, it may be a thought process or even your old way of being. Whatever it is spirit is telling you that as soon as you let it go, this relationship will come forward.

When you do meet what will they think, feel, or say to you?

“When I’m sad I look at your pictures and feel much better.”

“I find your inner wisdom really attractive.”

“I am so proud of everything you do!”

“Whenever I see flowers I think of you…”

Channeled songs describing your relationship:

Strangers - Halsey, Lauren Jauregui

Bad Decisions - Ariana Grande

Love Story - Indila

Paper Rings - Taylor Swift

Letters that may have significance:

Blank Letter (make it your own)

F

R

I

E

A

Channeled messages (songs I was listening to while doing your reading that might be worth a listen):

Won’t Leave You - Tomppabeats

I Cry Sometimes - GentleBeatz

I’m Sorry (feat Shiloh) - Swell

Je T’aime - Sugi.wa

just ask - weird inside

Pile Four (Amazonite):

Card representing soulmate you can manifest into your life:

Five of Cups: The five of cups typically comes out during a time of extreme sadness in your life. This person may have just gone through a breakup or something may have left their life around the time of your meeting. They will be in a dark place.

Wheel of Fortune: The Wheel of Fortune is the card of life cycles. This person has gone through a lot of ups and downs in their life. When you meet they will be in a low but that doesn’t mean they will always be in that low. Just like life the wheel is constantly spinning, they will soon enter a higher point in their life after you meet. This is also the card of luck, they may be a particularly lucky person too.

How can you vibrationally attract this person into your life?

Death: Death is always about shedding the old and embracing the new. Not literal death! Spirit is saying that in order to vibrationally attract this person into your life you will need to go through a death cycle. You will need to change your outlook on life and love. Let the past go and start a new again.

A way you can be more open to receiving this person:

Queen of Swords: The Queen of Swords doesn’t let anyone walk all over them. This is spirit’s way of telling you that you need to start putting people in their place. Quit allowing people to take advantage of you. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Once you do this you will be more open to receiving them into your life.

What is something you won’t be expecting about this person?

Three of Cups: This is the card of celebration, and special occasions such as birthdays, graduations, weddings, ect. I get the feeling that this person loves going to these things, this will surprise you. The other meaning of this card is success. This person may be very successful in something and this may also surprise you.

Three of Swords: This is the card of heartbreak. So, with the five of cups coming out to describe them as well I really do think that they have gone through a lot of heartbreak in their life and they may not talk feely about these things, so, when they do you will be very surprised.

How will you meet this person?

Four of Swords: The main meaning of this card is representing a period of time where nothing is working out for you and you are forced to go into a period of isolation and rest. That being said you will be focusing on yourself and your own growth and not focusing on love. That is when you will meet. When you are least expecting it.

What will you think about them when you meet them?

King of Cups: This is a masculine energy who is extremely empathetic. They can read anyone with stark accuracy, when you meet you will feel like you have known them your whole life. You feel comfortable and at ease around them, like you could talk to them for hours.

The Emperor: This is the Aries card. The boss energy card. This person will be extremely dominant and boss-like. When you first meet them you will think that they are someone who can hold their own and is very much in charge. Whether it be of everyone around them or just themselves, they exude a strong dominant energy.

How will you know this person is your soulmate?

Ten of Cups:

Description:

There could be a baby around or kids when you meet. Maybe a rainbow or a big tree. Light blue could be surrounding you. Maybe they’re wearing it or it’s in the environment around you. The number ten could have significance. Maybe it’s the tenth or the tenth month (October). It could be their favorite number or their birthday, jersey number, etc.

Card Meaning:

This is the fairytale endings card. So, you may feel like they are your fairytale ending. They could also like fairytales. You could find that you want to settle down and start a family with them.

How can you better understand the Law of Attraction?

Nine of Swords: The nine of swords represents anxiety. Spirit wants you to release your anxieties surrounding the unknown. Don’t let your fear of losing your control stop you from allowing love into your life. You don’t need to control and know every step in this process. Spirit gives you things they know you can handle. Once you let go of your fear you will better understand the Law of Attraction.

Ace of Pentacles: You may feel like love is not for you and that you want to focus on your career and the flow of money in and out of your wallet. Spirit says that the more you focus on money the less you are allowing love into your life. That if you don’t let go of your obsession with money and your career you will miss out on this opportunity of great love.

What should you know about this relationship before meeting them?

Tree: Let them go. You often take on the pain of others. You used to think it was because you’re an empath, but these days, you’re not so sure. Sometimes it feels like other people are emptying their emotions into you and giving nothing in return. Sometimes we even feel we’ve inherited pain from those who come before us in our family tree. This is your permission to let go. Your life is ultimately about you, not what other people expect you to carry for them. As it has been mentioned above, spirit wants you to gain a backbone, quite allowing others to walk all over you, put people in their place, put up those boundaries, you deserve it. Once you do you will be open to receiving this person into your life.

When you do meet what will they think, feel, or say to you?

“When you touch me, I feel butterflies in my stomach.”

“I can’t wait to see you again!”

“Me + You = Power Couple”

“You are the only one who manages to calm down my inner beast.”

Channeled songs describing your relationship:

Take on the World - You me at Six

Hunnie Pie - Zella Day

He could be the one - Hannah Montana

Kiss me - Ed Sheeran

Letters that may have significance:

I

A

E

T

F

P

Channeled messages (songs I was listening to while I was doing your reading that may have significance):

You’re the Reason Why I Love - redpestbeats

Not Even Her (feat. Shiloh) - Floreyyyy

Won’t Leave You - Tomppabeats

don’t worry about me - killedmyself

Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading you can click here. There I have my shop where I offer all of my readings including a month ahead spread.

[stillgirlfrommars]

you’ve got news

So, I already talked about this with @missmorwen​ and I know I don’t have the time to draw and make an actual comic out of it, BUT I cannot stop thinking about this SamSteve-post-engdame-fix-it story (with a dash of BuckyNat, ‘cause that’s just who I am) which is kinda crack and very rom-com (a bit you’ve got mail) inspired and doesn't make much sense, because... PLOT HOLES but * sigh * I kinda wanna share at least the idea so - bear with me:

So, instead of Nat dying, Steve sacrifices his Captain America powers on Vormir and comes back as Skinny!Steve and starts running a political blog called you’ve-got-news in secret, uncovering all kinds of shady business/corruption and becoming the bane of existence of every politician and greedy CEO - but it takes a while for his friends to figure out it's him who’s running that increasingly popular blog (which the new Captain America is actually a big fan of ;)). And the way that happens is as follows:

So, Steve almost died at the end of Endgame. The idiot (affectionate) of course still wanted to fight Thanos, but even with Thor’s Hammer, he took some serious, serious injuries which led to a tough talk with Sam, Nat and Bucky

Like I imagine, that while Steve would not have any regrets whatsoever about giving up his powers, he would still need some time to come to terms with the fact that he won’t be able to participate in the action like he used to. Even though, he actually wants and knows... it’s time to ... start something new, it’s still a process. So, there he is, trying to figure out who he is without the mantle of Captain America, re-defining the way he can and will fight against bullies in the future (cause there is no way he’s gonna stop that).

And to the surprise of everyone, Steve actually doesn’t press for participating in Avenger-style-fights anymore (he still does some of the practical mission planning and shit like that) but most importantly, he starts taking up new hobbies, like cooking or old hobbies like drawing - and he seems happier than he has in a long time, and yeah maybe it’s a bit too good to be true, if Sam starts thinking about it. But, hey, Steve finally seems to be happy so -

Meanwhile, Sam still becomes the new Captain America, and Steve is there while he is adjusting, finding himself in that role. He is there when Sam needs to talk things through, and yeah, it would still be a process like in tfatws series, but ... a little bit less alone, I guess. 

So, the new Captain America fights alongside Nat and Bucky - and it’s good, they work surprisingly well together, but also: those two are stuck right in the middle of a weird assassin!flirting situation (I’m imagening a lot of veeery intense staring at the other while cleaning their weapons or beating someone up, innuendos en masse, dark humour etc.). And frankly, it’s getting on Sam's nerves because they seem to be so oblivious about the whole damn thing. Neither of them is actually admitting to anything, no, they are too busy teasing him about the ‘crush’ he has developed on that mysterious dude who is running the famous political-youve-got-news-blog that gained momentum a while ago and is currently keeping all the corrupt politicians and CEOs on their toes.

So, yeah, Sam might have been caught a couple of times reading or reciting from that blog because - it has actually turned into a pretty efficient way of mobilising people to demonstrate for change and it did give him some tip-offs in regards to who the bad guy really was and yeah. But it’s not a crush... Sam just really likes reading the blog posts, okay. That dude seems pretty cool and they share the same moral code, so... whatever.

What Nat and Bucky and Steve don't know (and he’ll never tell them), is that Sam is actually kiiiiinda already frequently talking with the guy who runs the blog. Anonymously on both ends, of course (because for good reasons both of them are pretty careful about giving away information concerning their identities). And in a way that whole anonymity-thing makes it a lot easier to talk about stuff he finds harder to admit to the people who he knows directly. So, you could say, blog-guy has kinda become Sam's internet friend, but not his crush, no.

Honestly, the crush he is more concerned about (that he also isn't planning on telling anyone about any time soon, cause Bucky would just tease him and Nat would start scheming) is, well, it’s Steve. Because, damn, he likes their get-togethers a lot, the meals Steve's cooking are honestly to die for. They watch baseball together, they do museum-trips... And the way they can talk about (almost) everything... He just feels understood and... yeah, loved (maybe not in the way that he wishes for, but still) and it’s nice to see Steve so happy and okay, maybe it’s getting a bit out of control because Sam took Steve with him to visit Sarah and his nephews and Sarah kinda saw right through his act of ‘hey, this is my best friend’ and ‘what do you mean, I don’t have feelings- okay. Yeah maybe I do’ and told him in no uncertain terms to fucking do something about it and get his shit together.

The thing is, he’s got it bad. But Sam is also torn, because this is the best fucking friendship he's ever had and he does not want to jeopardise that. So, in the end he ends up talking about this with his Internet friend... about how he kinda has this huge crush on his best friend, and his Internet friend is like, ‘TELL ME ABOUT IT, big fucking same here UGH. And I feel like I’m being SO obvious about it all. It’s honestly embarrassing. My other best friend keeps teasing me ‘bout it and tells me to just go for it, but that guy still hasn’t managed to ask out the girl he’s interested in, so, what does he know, right?’. And Sam laughs - at least he’s not alone.

So the days go by (Sam’s pining only increases, Steve took him to a wine tasting the other night and he almost... in his drunk state... almost... but he didn’t) until one day, while blog-guy and Sam are chatting, all of the sudden the blog-guy is like, ‘Shit, I think someone's breaking into my apartment’ and then like, ‘Okay, yes they are’ - and Sam's like, ‘call 911′, and blog-guy writes back ‘mmh think I can handle them’ (and Sam’s like ‘WTF... I know way too many people with zero regards for their own well-being, myself included’)

But then blog-guy is not answering anymore, so Sam frantically calls up Nat who rushes to his flat and Sam says: ‘You need to find out where that IP adress is located ASAP - the dude with that famous blog is in danger.’

And Nat does that multitasking thing where she’s working on the problem while ribbing Sam about the fact that, apparently, Captain America's Internet bestie is that famous blog dude, and- 'Are you sure it’s not a crush?'

But after another minute, Nat sighs and is like, ‘I can't find the location, this thing is encrypted af, it’s impossible.’ Suddenly, she notices something about the setup of the encryption and-, ‘Hang on a second, it was me who set this up for someone back in 2011.′ And as she slips on her jacket, she says to Sam, ‘Come on. I know where we have to go!’

So they make their way to what turns out is Steve's (!!!!) apartment and find him in the middle of a fight against over half a dozen heavily armed people, and yeah - he’s actually doing pretty okay for himself ‘cause he outsmarted a couple of them, but also- they kind of outnumber him, so Nat and Sam get to work.

And Sam doesn't even have time to fully register what that means re:blog-guy until they have successfully defeated the bad guys. After that's done, Steve is like, ‘Thanks guys, but how the hell did you know I was in trouble? Nat... you didn’t bug my apartment, did you??’

And Nat tstsk and then she just laughs because this is priceless and OF CoURSE it is Steve who is behind that blog... (she's a bit mad at herself for not figuring it out sooner, and a bit sad that Steve didn't feel like he could tell her, and that he assumes she has is flat bugged but, also,... kinda impressed.) But then she looks at him with a warm smile on her face, shaking her head, saying, ‘No, I didn’t, Steve.’ Her gaze wanders back and forth between Steve and Sam and she humms- 'That actually makes so much sense oh my god.' So, she leaves them ‘to talk’ ;) and for Sam to explain everything’ - and then it’s just the two of them.

And Sam does explain everything and is like, 'So you're that Blog dude, erm...' He's scratching the back of his neck, cheeks flushed, 'Turns out, we've been talking for months over that blog of yours. I'm (insert-Sam’s-username-here).'- and Steve's eyes go wide and you can literally see him processing that information right then and there and he's sputtering out a light laugh, and he's like 'Hang on a second... I... umm, okay, I gotta ask. So, that best friend you've got a crush on...' Well, it’s now or never -'Is you, yeah..', Sam admits and starts, 'and....' They both laugh again and Steve nods and just says- 'yeah, it’s you, too.'

And then they kiss and yaaay, happy ending!!!

And then the epilogue would be about them having a nice dinner with Bucky and Nat a couple of months later, and the whole time, Sam and Steve are being very much in loveTM. The three guys are standing in the kitchen, while Natasha is in the bathroom and Bucky's making a funny quib about how sickeningly cute Sam and Steve are together - and Sam, well, Sam just raises his eyebrows and is like, 'You know what, you're not allowed to say anything bout that, you and Romanoff have been acting waaaaay worse over the last year. At least we got our shit together in the end, what's your excuse, you are obviously absolutely in love with her!', and of course Nat chooses that exact moment to enter the room, hand on Bucky's waist, dropping a kiss on his cheek and is like, 'What do you mean, we've been dating for 6 months?' And Steve laughs and Sam groans bc .... he loves his friends, he does, but clearly, CLEARLY they ALL have to work on their communication skills!

The End.

[ask-feederjin]

Hi Jin! What are you favorite things to do with each of the boys separately and what's your favorite thing to do with everyone together?

Jin logged onto his Lavender Love-Handles from his desktop computer. Might as well have it running in the background as he gets back to some higher ups.

Ping!

Oh, another comment! Jin clicks on the link.

“Hi Jin! What are you favorite things to do with each of the boys separately and what's your favorite thing to do with everyone together?”

That’s a fun one to think about, let’s see…

-

That’s a really great question!

When it comes to non-kink related activities, one thing we all have in common is our love of music and movies! It’s a great hobby to share now that we’ve decided on fattening them up, cause you don’t have to move around much to enjoy it. Jungkook is really the movie buff, so he tends to pick those out, but since we all have such different tastes in music we’ll have what we call a ‘jukebox night’. We all sit down together and take turns introducing each other to new music. It’s actually super relaxing and it’s one of our favorite things to do post-stuffing.

Individually… Hmmm, let’s see.

With Yoongi, he likes to do his own thing for the most part. He claims that he’s a lazy fatass, but he’s actually a total workaholic! I have to sometimes drag his ass out of his office for dinner cause he lost track of time. It’s a miracle he’s gained any weight at all with how often he would skip meals! Really, it’s only thanks to his completely sedentary lifestyle combined with constant snacking that he’s packed on any pounds.

Since he doesn’t come out of his office often, we like to spend time together while he works. We don’t talk a lot, but’s a comfortable quiet that we can just exist in. The younger boys can be pretty rambunctious sometimes, but with Yoongi there’s no expectations of doing things, you know? Sometimes he even asks for my advice on a track he's working on.

Kink wise, I like to make sure he’s always topped up on snacks. Yoongi doesn’t like feeling too full, at least not to the point of nausea, so we’ve decided to just make sure he’s never hungry and see how that goes. I will come into his studio while he’s engrossed with a project and feel his tummy. If I think it’s getting too soft, I'll feed him a few snacks while he works. It’s so cute how he absentmindedly takes them from my fingers, chewing slowly. I only leave once his belly his nice and tight again.

Namjoon and I enjoy going out together. There’s a park next to a nearby river that’s always beautiful this time of year, so we like to have picnics together there. Sometimes the other boy’s come too, but it can be a little too much of a walk for them now. Joonie is the only one who’s maintained the majority of his muscle mass so far (it used to be him and Jungkook, but Kookie is actively trying to lose mobility so he doesn’t like to leave the house much).

We talk about books we’ve read recently, our favorite cafes and watch the ducks toddle around.

I’ll tease him about how soon he’ll be the one waddling like that. It’s so funny seeing him try not to get flustered in public when I say those things.

When we feel a little friskier, we’ll go out with him dressed in his smallest clothes. The lower curve of his belly is always on display, sometime with a little of his butt crack if the pants slip down. He’s gained over thirty pounds of fat since we started and it seems like it’s only really gone to his waist, so no double chin yet :’(

Those are the days I’ll pack a massive lunch. He’s required to eat all of it while we’re out, and by the time we’re done he’s so stuffed his shirt often rides up over his belly entirely!

It’s so hot, as he gets fuller, seeing him slowly stop caring about strangers watching. He goes from embarrassedly tugging down his shirt and wiping his mouth to belching openly, belt buckle undone.

-

Jin had to take a short break from writing to slap his red cheeks. Oh man, this was so weird talking about these moments. The time he spends with his boy’s has always been very intimate, especially their kinkier interactions. Seeing it written down like this made Jin feel like an old man that just saw a slip of ankle from across the street.

-

Joonie usually needs help standing after one of those outings. We take a cab back home too, so no worries about him getting any cramps!

Hoseok is interesting. Before he started gaining, he was actually one of the most active people I knew! He would frequently attend dance lessons and even wanted to start his own studio at some point. He actually confessed to me once that although he does love dancing, a lot of his commitment to it was an attempt to suppress his desire to let himself go.

He still likes to dance, just not for hours every day like he used to. I’ve got two left feet myself, but Hobi never makes me feel bad about my abilities, or lack there of. We will turn on some of his favorite music and totally let loose. I used to be the only one that would get out of breath, but now it’s the both of us. He turns bright red when I mention this, haha! He totally likes it though, he’s one of the ones that gets off on teasing.

Lately, he’s really been enjoying dancing due to feeling his new fat jiggle. He’s gained the least out of all the boys, no thanks to his hobby, so there’s not a lot of pudge to feel.

He swears up and down that he can feel his upper arms and belly shake slightly though. I believe him. It’s only a matter of time anyway before it’ll be visible to others though, so we’re looking forward to that.

Jimin is a people pleaser. He likes being helpful, and what a sweetheart he is! I cook a lot for the boys, and now that their caloric intake has practically doubled, I have a lot of food to make!

Jimin enjoys playing sous chef for me. He’s a great assistant, grabbing the spices I need and chopping up the more tedious ingredients. We chat about our days while we cook. Jimin likes knowing that people are interested in and listening to what he’s saying, it’s his way of feeling acknowledged and appreciated.

He’ll try to sneak bites of food while I’m not looking, and most of the time I’ll let him. He’s also my little taste tester! So by the time food is ready to be served he’ll already have a half-full tummy.

So far he seems fine getting around the kitchen, although, with the way that he’s growing, I may have to do a little rearranging! Minnie’s getting pretty bottom-heavy, so I worry that his larger hips might bump into something and knock it over. We’ll need to remodel in the future anyway, so I can take care of that then.

Taehyung likes to be babied. He’s not our youngest (that would be Jungkook), but he sure acts like it most of the time. He’s very interested in fashion and loves to sit down with me to explain the newest trends and upcoming designers. Now that he’s a little pudgier (and often very stuffed), he can’t fit into some of the clothes that he buys so he uses me as a model. I try to make him laugh with funny poses and exaggerated runway walks which makes him all whiney. I see him trying to keep a straight face though!

Although we get most of his wardrobe online, one activity we like to do is go out to the mall and shop there. I like to dress up all the boy’s before we leave the house to accentuate their new bodies, so I make Tae wear button ups that don’t button all the way anymore, and slacks that visibly cut into his hips.

He lives for the embarrassment of looking fat and sloppy in public.

We’ll go to a store and have him pick out things to try on that are too small for him. He’ll go to the dressing room and call out quietly for help. I act like I don’t know what’s wrong, so he has to explain it to me, and I scold him for growing too fat. Oh man, he absolutely loves that.

-

Jin stopped writing briefly to remember that moment. When he had walked into the dressing room, his eyes were greeted with a titillating sight. Taehyung was sweating and red from embarrassment, the store’s black skinny jeans only pulled up to the boy’s upper thighs before having gotten stuck. The white button-up dress-shirt was completely unbuttoned, sleeves tight around his upper arms.

Oh, Jin teased him so much that day. About how soon he’ll be spilling out of his largest pair of sweatpants, how everyone sees how much of a little fatty he’s become. Even the store’s cashier made a couple lighthearted comments that went straight to Taehyung’s libido.

Jin shook his head. There was no way he could write that down! Going into full detail of the erotic event would be so TMI!

He should probably move on...

-

Jungkook and I like to watch movies together. He’s a massive Marvel fan, but up until we all started dating, I’d never seen a single one of them. He was soooo upset with me, haha! He sat me down and we started getting caught up. Once a month about, we cuddle up and watch a Marvel movie together. I think we’re on Infinity War right now. I’ve… definitely heard spoilers at this point, but that doesn’t detract from the experience at all. Jungkook is so fun to snuggle. He’s a little taller than me, so I like to sit on his lap and lean into his front while we watch. Sometimes when there’s a really exciting part, I can feel his heart race.

Of course, we have snacks too. Lots of popcorn and soda, hot dogs and soft pretzels. We buy bulk movie theater candy online, so we’ve got all his favorites. Jungkook usually starts eating by himself, but once the movie really gets going he slows down. I take over then so that he doesn’t have to split his attention.

Eventually I can feel his belly pressing further into me, hear it gurgle as it grows tighter and tighter. His breathing gets really heavy near the climax of the movies, and every few bites lets out the smallest moan. Jungkook loves getting stuffed past his limit, so we go all out.

-

Jin wonders if he should leave that part in. Would people find it too personal? Whatever, it’s not too weird. He’ll leave it as is.

-

I like to give him belly rubs while we wait for the end credit scenes. He lets out a little built up gas from all the carbonation which I tease him about. Sometimes he’s too stuffed to move so we pull out the couch a bit so he can just lie down and sleep right there.

So… yeah! I guess that answers your question. Sorry for the essay, I just love talking about them.

[fellcharas]

remade pepper’s design since i wasn’t too confident in the original, i felt it looked too similar so i Tried to make this one more different.

ink sans belongs to @comyet​ ! more info under the cut

pepper is an ink variant for a still-in-the-works errorink au i’m making! basically, pepper (ink) and nyx (error) started out as childhood best friends and grew into enemies who eventually reconcile and become lovers. it’s a lot deeper than that considering they’re both accidental gods and there is no “good guy”/”bad guy” thing going on, they’ve just got issues with each other and themselves that they need to work out in order for a happy ending. this au heavily focuses on free will and choosing your own path rather than destiny or fate bringing two people together.

i named him pepper mostly because i like the name, but you can also interpret it as him peppering his presence into everything. he is technically a god, after all! and because he’s a god who can live forever i don’t really see him as sticking to one gender or one way of presenting himself. he’s very expressive and doesn’t care too much about the specification of labels, but for simplicity’s sake he is genderfluid and uses any pronouns, most commonly he/him, she/her, and it/its. he’s also queer, so to me that means he doesn’t care specifically about being gay or bi or straight or whatever. he’s just Queer.

pepper is a very complex character with a lot of issues. despite not having a SOUL, he still has a mind, which means he can decipher “good” from “bad” when he’s in an emotionless state. however, he can only detect one or the other and it is very strong, meaning that mistakes can occur and it’s hard for him to have a middle-of-the-road perception in an emotionless state. this leaves him weaker than he’d usually be if he couldn’t decipher good from bad. he also lacks a sense of self in an emotionless state. i like to think that pepper is also neurodivergent - meaning he has neurological disorders, namely autism, adhd, and ocd (which i have myself, all 3). or, if this doesn’t make sense to you, you can simply view him as coded to be such!

with his vials, pepper is usually well-meaning. if he isn’t feeling angered or anything like the sort, he’s always got the best of intentions. he’s a very decisive person because he lacks the natural ability to feel compassion, so he makes choices on how to do/say things and how to react to situations. he is kind, caring, protective, self-sacrificial, socially inept, humorous, enthusiastic, teasing, and peppy. he’s not the best at social situations due to his lack of natural emotion, but he’s trying! as for the self-sacrificial part..... maybe that’s best saved for later ;)

without his vials pepper can switch between being very isolated, asocial, and vague to being unpredictable, impulsive, and erratic. this usually depends on how his mind chooses to respond to his environment. if he is around something that is “good” or something that he knows won’t hurt him, he is unmoving, quiet, and vague in his words (if he chooses to speak coherently at all; in an emotionless state he tends to echo words/phrases as a means to try and focus on anything). if he is around something that is “bad” or something that he thinks will hurt him, he is much more responsive but less reactive to his actions.

pepper enjoys various activities! he loves to learn and engage in new and exciting situations. it’s hard for him to gain the complete trust of others at first because he can behave in a way that’s unexpected, but he enjoys making friends and talking to others. he tends to ramble, but like og ink, he has bad memory so he’ll stop mid sentence and forget what he was talking about. he’s very keen on committing to things he feels are important, mostly anything that relates to his purpose for existing. he likes to provide stimuli and experience it, so this can mean he’s very artistic. he also likes cats! and stargazing. drawing, singing, dancing, exploring, journaling, sewing/knitting, all of those are hobbies of his.

he stopped aging in his 20s, so there really is no telling how long he’s been alive for. considering he’s a god, you could pretty much guess anything beyond 25. BUT time doesn’t really have any relevance in this au aside from the fact that pepper and nyx were childhood best friends, and early into their adulthood things happened which caused them to become rivals!

in this au pepper had a past life as an unnamed sans for an incomplete au with only one timeline and no ability to reset, just like original ink’s backstory. the unnamed sans destroyed his SOUL like the original, being set free, and he was reborn into pepper. pepper has no memories of his past life, but he does have determination, which is why he can’t die no matter how many times he’s “killed”. this determination comes from his past life’s desperate want to be something, to not be forgotten, to not be lost to nothing. this determination comes in the form of black ink. i’m not quite sure how this will be utilized in the story of this au, i’m still figuring a lot of things out, but yeah.

for a long time pepper had no idea that he was a god, which meant he had never considered the idea that he might have a “special destiny”. he was a young adult when he found out, though, and well... i can’t say too much.

but, yeah! that’s pepper!!! feel free to ask questions about him ‘cause i love this little guy. some of this could be subject to change in the future since i’m still working everything out. but i hope you guys enjoy him!

[siren1song]

Keep On Marching On

Summary: Janus is the god of the cosmos. And he’s so incredibly lonely.

Warnings: Disregard of life (once and its because he’s immortal), Loneliness

Pairing: Roceit

Word Count: 1,000

General Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @main-chive, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas, @sanderssidesweirdo, @stormypaint, @just-a-little-bit-gay-oops, @dying-is-a-hobby, @rose-gold-roman, @the-angry-child, @rosesisupposes

Notes: Sobs in Space Janus that @lavender-mochi did an absolutely wonderful job with.

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

Sometimes being the embodiment of the cosmos in an earthly plane where humans could barely have a grasp on your own mortal disguise could be… lonely.

Even more so when the heroes and legends have decided you’re the bad guy, or the one to kill in order to gain glory they could get by pestering a more minor god like Zeus or Thor.

What’s even more unfortunate is humans have decided to give his name to another god without even asking him who he is.

Janus wondered what it would be like, if he could get drunk the way the mortals did when they celebrated victories and mourned losses. Wondered if they knew that when he had to strike down another hero in his own defense he got even lonelier.

He just wanted someone to listen to him. To ask his name and his interests.

Someone to be his friend.

When he felt like this, Janus tended to touch down on the Earth from his throne in the heavens. It made himself a little easier to be attacked, but given who he was he’d only be reborn in the stars again.

Should he hold this little regard over his own life? Probably not.

There wasn’t much else to think about though, with his feet relishing the coolness of the grass and the moon waiting to set once the sun made herself known to the sky for another day.

He’d landed on a hill this time. Forest stretching to one side of him and a small village in the distance on the other.

A very small village. Maybe it was a new settlement? Janus couldn’t be sure, he couldn’t be expected to watch every human life.

“Oh.”

Janus’ gaze moved from the village to a young man a little further down the hill, paused in his hike and expression one of awe.

He smiled, and Janus raised an eyebrow in response.

“I can’t say I’m familiar with any beings who share relations to the stars, but I wouldn’t mind changing that.”

There was a smile fought for a moment at the flirt, and Janus let his shoulders relax just slightly.

“Are you not a religious man then?” he asked, shifting his grip on his cane made of galaxies to lean more heavily against it.

The weight of the stars could be a heavy one to bear.

“Not entirely. I don’t see the point in worshipping gods who are quick to abandon us.”

Janus couldn’t deny the interest that statement sparked.

“I am Janus,” he says, unsure why the words left his mouth but not protesting.

“Like the two faced god? I wasn’t aware he had a connection to the stars,” the man asked, confusion growing.

Janus sighed, resting his cheek on the hook of his cane to look to the sky and see the fading stars.

“No, that is not me. I wasn’t asked when you humans gave the gods their names. Though I’m not sure any of us were.”

The young man went quiet, finishing his journey up the hill and sitting next to where Janus stood and looking up at the lightening sky with him.

Sitting wasn’t an unfamiliar activity to him. Having a seat with someone though?

Lowering himself to the ground slowly, Janus let out a relieved sigh as he settled his cane between them.

“My name is Roman. What brings you here, Janus?”

He didn’t answer at first, a gust of wind blowing over their faces. Janus breathed in deep and closed his eyes, wondering if it always felt this nice to just have someone to talk to who would be willing to listen.

Who would be willing to ask questions and keep the conversation going.

“A few things I suppose. Not many I find myself inclined to share though.”

Roman hummed, and Janus opened one eye to look at him.

He was looking back.

“Not many implies there’s at least one, star light.”

The temptation to touch the stars littering his face is a new one.

“I suppose telling you a break from the quiet heavens won’t cause me too much trouble,” he answered, suddenly noticing the small smile starting to stretch his cheeks but deciding to do nothing to stop it.

Roman grinned at him. Janus found himself wanting to see that smile more than this one visit.

“Well, if you ever decide you want to make the heavens less quiet, I have a singing voice that can placate the angriest of men.”

He was bragging. It wasn’t as irritating as Janus usually found it. Perhaps it had something to do with the topic not being the exploits of other lives taken?

“Are you asking to see my home, Roman?” he asked, trying his hand at the flirty tone Roman had been using since he made his presence known to Janus.

The human’s face flushed red, but his grin did not falter.

“That depends, are you going to say yes?”

Janus huffed out a soft laugh, looking back to the stars. It was so different looking at his home from this angle.

“Perhaps another time. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you.”

He could feel Roman get closer, the heat of his shoulder barely a hair’s width away from his own. Were it not for his cape of nebulas, Janus was sure he’d feel the other’s skin on his own.

“If that promises another meeting, then I won’t protest.”

Janus feels his smile take over more of his face. It’s not an uncomfortable stretch, despite it being one he is unused to.

“Does it?”

He looks to Roman, humming in question because he’s not sure what he’s asking.

“Promise another meeting?”

And Roman’s eyes are full of hope, Janus’ heart leaps in his chest and he nods.

Janus hadn’t come to the Earth this time expecting a different outcome than any other of his visits. But that’s what he got and he hoped it wouldn’t be something he would have to give up anytime soon.

[yeochikin]

sun & moon. | k. yeosang

a/n: thank you so much to @s1ardusk for requesting and for your patience! i apologise for it being so long due to writer's block this week aaaa but i enjoyed writing this and i can feel myself growing more and more whipped for yeosang ugh 🥺🥺 anyways i hope you enjoyed this! ✨💖

word count: 1.8k

main focus: yeosang x fem. reader

warning(s): none!

“yeosang, please don't let me go. i need you!” y/n begged, fingers tightly clutching onto the sleeve of his sweatshirt as said blonde merely raised an eyebrow at her way.

“y/n, for the last time, you can do it without me.” he plainly replied, his larger hand moving to move the girl’s fingers away that's almost stretching the fabric of his top, grimacing ever so slightly as the grip on his arm somehow grew tighter.

“yeosang, please! i can't do it by myself!” she pleaded, eyes swirling in concern along with a panic stricken look washing over her visage.

with a sigh, yeosang took another look at his girlfriend’s stance on his skateboard. she had already gotten the hang of balancing herself on the board easily, but he didn't expect that she would have trouble moving no matter how many times he had taught her. once again, yeosang started to show her how to push herself so she could glide around with the board, this time, the female watching him in awe as he circled around his lover as he took control of the board this time to show her what he had been explaining to her, clapping her hands as soon as he stopped right in front of her.

yeosang had agreed to teach y/n about his favourite hobby since he wasn't doing anything particular on his day off as most of the other band members were either resting up, working out, or doing their own thing in their dorm anyway. at first, he had intended to relax as well but with the sudden call from his lover asking if he wanted to hang out though of course, not forcing him to do so as she knew he deserved some rest after seeing how his group was busy with their promotions.

despite being thankful at how understanding and patient his girlfriend was (y/n very much understood what she had to face dating him along with the obstacles to come in their way), yeosang would be lying if he said that he didn't miss the girl. so every time his members and him received a day off, he would always try his best to make time for his lover. that is, if he isn't busying himself by adding some extra time practicing or y/n having something else to do while he had the time to finally relax. whether it was simple phone calls or texts, the both of them would cherish those moments close.

and today, seemed to be one of those rare days where they finally get to spend time with each other.

so here they are, at the almost abandoned skatepark that yeosang would always go to whenever he wanted to ride his skateboard to clear his mind. he had made sure to that his outfit would be able to make him blend into the crowd, away from prying eyes. even though there weren't many people around the skatepark he had brought y/n to, he could never be too sure.

but considering they had been there for quite a while, who knows how many hours they had spent with yeosang teaching his girlfriend on how to ride his skateboard with her screeching every time the board threatened to move out of her control and send her down face flat on the ground. y/n was just glad that her beloved was patient in teaching her, but of course, it wouldn't be that cheeky boyfriend of hers if he wasn't teasing her by playfully wiggling the skateboard she stood on.

his warm doe eyes looked around the park while his girlfriend busied herself trying to move herself on the board little by little, he had made a conclusion that it was nearly sunset with how the rays of sun that previously shined a bright yellow somehow had hints of orange hue to them.

with both hands shoved into his pockets while leaning against the railings of the stairs, the blonde boy watched his girlfriend with a fond smile playing on his lips upon seeing the determined look on her face as she attempted to move with the skateboard a few times, flinching every time her foot fell off his skateboard, ready to run to her side if she injured herself, but then breathing out a sigh of relief as the girl instantly managed to catch herself.

“wait, moon! look, i'm getting the hang of it!” at the cheer, said boy felt the corners of his lips stretch themselves into a wide grin at the sight laid in front of him.

finally having a steady stance on the board, y/n started to push the board with her foot, the other one still on the board while she shifted the slightest bit of weight to focus on her balance as the girl slowly glided along the pavement of the skatepark just as how yeosang had taught her. even though it was only moving from one point to another and not exactly being able to take a turn just yet, a swell of pride and happiness filled yeosang's chest at the way y/n had glided to and fro.

“you're doing great, my sun!” he called out, watching the way she moved slowly and came to a stop shortly after, getting off the board just so the girl could make it face the other, then getting back up to do it all over again.

the sight in front of him was enough to make yeosang grow more and more fond towards his lover. everything around her, screamed ‘sun’ or ‘sunshine’. for she reminded him of the sun with how the rays of warmth slipped through the crevices of his windows to kiss his eyes during the morning in every start of his day, indicating that each day, new experiences would be faced.

he is reminded of the sun with the way she would laugh happily as soon as she managed to reach something in her list of goals. he is reminded of the sun with the way her eyes twinkled with excitement from the newly found things that had made her want to try instantly. he is reminded of the sun with the way her voice mingled in the air to sing her favourite song – yeosang had to mentally give himself a pat on the back as he had caught her singing his group’s songs more often than not – while attempting the dances. he is reminded of the sun with the way her presence would always manage to make his gloomy days seem brighter.

and just like yeosang, it was no doubt she also had a nickname for him. for he reminded her of the moon, a favourite sight of hers whenever she would spend most of her nights outside on her apartment’s balcony to gaze at the moon shining ever so brightly during the little hours of night as if telling her that she did well today and will see her soon.

she is reminded of the moon whenever she hears his soft voice humming into her ear during one of his stays at her place on sleepless nights. she is reminded of the moon whenever he would radiate a calming aura as the both of them whispered words of affection into the silent night. she is reminded of the moon with how he carried a mysterious, yet at the same time, an alluring air around him that only she could solve whenever they were wrapped in each other's embrace.

“yeosang?” a voice called out, causing the blonde boy to snap back into reality.

his gaze was met with the ones that made him feel warm inside every time they met his, his skateboard tucked underneath her left arm as she is now standing in front of him. his hand reached out to plant itself on top of her head to give it an affectionate rub before yeosang tilted his head ever so slightly to the side as if silently saying that the girl in front of him managed to gain his full attention.

with a sheepish grin, y/n couldn't help but to lean against his touch which caused her lover to emit a low chortle at the reaction, moving his hand down to now let it rest against her cheek. a contented sigh was heaved out of the girl’s lips while her hand reached up to rest itself on top of his.

“i wanted to thank you.” she finally breathed out after a couple moments of silence overlapping the two.

quirking a brow up in confusion, yeosang tilted his head, “for what, my sun?”

letting their gazes linger on each other's as another wave of silence filled in between the two of them, y/n turned her head to lightly press her lips against the palm of his hand as the hand that was on his gave him a gentle squeeze.

“for teaching me how to ride your skateboard.” she said, causing her boyfriend to laugh lightly before saying how it was no problem at all, but not without her continuing.

“i wanted to thank you for… spending your time with me when we both know how rare it is for us to see each other.” she continued.

yeosang could feel a slight tug in his chest at the way her expression softens. of course, there were times he wished that he could live a normal life again but never in his life did he regret the path he chose. he had met so many great people around him, especially the ones who almost acted as his second family. the both of them knew what they were facing with how different their lives were. however, that never stopped them from trying.

“i wanted to thank you for everything, kang yeosang.” he heard the girl say, then leaning in to lightly bump his forehead against her own.

“i should be the one thanking you, my sun.” he whispered, her chortle seemingly contagious as he found himself allowing a chuckle to leave his lips.

pulling away just enough so the two could stare at each other's faces, y/n sent him her little grin and reached up to move away some of the stray strands of hair that mostly covered his eyes, and him doing the same by curling a strand of hair behind her ear. once content with fixing their hair, y/n rested both hands on his chest, mentally taking note of the slightest pulsing underneath her fingertips that rested right above his heart.

“i adore you, my moon.”

yeosang could feel his cheeks grow a tad flushed from her words due to the feel of warmth rushing up to his cheeks, emitting a low rumble of laughter before pulling the girl close against him. the scent of her perfume that he grew addicted to wafted into his nose, instantly feeling himself relax, and lips brushing against her temple.

“i adore you too, my sun.”

[feralphoenix]

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO TRY

if you’re following my blog or if you read my fanfiction, you may have seen me talking in tags or comments about how the radiance hollowknight was a pacifist. “feral, wtf?” you may have thought. “she’s the freaking final boss and tries really, really hard to kill you and all her attacks do 2 entire masks damage. where on earth do you get pacifism out of that???”

to you specifically i say, that’s an understandable reaction! the short version of how i got here was that i started thinking about the story implications of radi not inflicting contact damage and took a deep dive into game mechanics and lore. when i came up for air i had made myself Very Sad.

if this intrigues you and you would like to know more, come along with me, i am happy to point out the things i noticed and share the Big Sad around.

this essay is also available on dreamwidth for accessibility purposes, since my layout’s text may be too small for folks on pc with high-res screens.

CONTENT WARNING: This essay discusses pseudo-zombie plagues and associated body horror, colonialism and genocide, horrible things that happened in real life Australian history... you know, the usual topics that come up when I’m talking about Hollow Knight.

ADDITIONAL NOTICE: TPK fans of the “TPK meant well/was working for the greater good”/“TPK and Radi are equally bad”/“TPK is bad but Radi is worse” variety please give this one a pass, it ain’t for you.

finally if youre from a christian cultural upbringing (whether currently practicing, agnostic/secular, or atheist now), understand that some of what i’m discussing here may challenge you. if thinking thru the implications of this particular part of hollow knight worldbuilding/lore is distressing for you, PLEASE only approach this essay when youre in a safe mindset & open to listening, and ask the help of a therapist or anti-racism teacher/mentor to help you process your thoughts & feelings. just like keep in mind that youre listening to an ethnoreligiously marginalized person and please be respectful here or wherever else youre discussing this dang essay

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT PREPARED TO TRY: The Radiance Doesn’t Deal Contact Damage And That’s Kind Of Fucked Up And Sad

The vast majority of hostile creatures in Hollow Knight deal contact damage: This is to say, if the Wandering Knight (who I’ll probably spend most of this essay calling by their affectionate fan name Ghost) touches a hostile creature, this harms them.

There are exceptions to this rule. The most notable and most oft-memed example is the game’s literal actual true final boss, the Radiance. Not only will Ghost not be harmed by running into any part of her body, but during her stagger animation, where she drops to the boss arena floor on her front with her whole body splayed out, Ghost still isn’t harmed if she lands on top of them! What’s more, this holds true for her full-power form Absolute Radiance, the secret final boss of the Godmaster quest/endings.

A lot of people find this amusing, because it’s a little absurd that a game’s final boss is an exception to such a consistent element of gameplay! Hence all the “haha moth too soft and fluffy for contact damage” jokes. It is objective facts that Radi is very soft and very fluffy, so it’s very easy to understand why people don’t overthink this too much.

Thinking about things I like in gross detail is unfortunately my hobby. When it comes to Hollow Knight this usually leads to me making myself really sad. I’d like to share the fruits of my theorizing with the class, so other people can be sad with me.

Now, from a game design perspective I can think of a lot of reasons why Team Cherry chose for Radiance not to inflict contact damage. Her hitbox only covers the central part of her body. Her limbs are large, so because of the way she floats, if she did contact damage she would be protected from nail strikes from below and to either side. This would give a player who prefers nail combat a punishingly small margin through which they could inflict damage without also taking a hit, potentially forcing them to adapt to a new and unfamiliar play style at the very end of the game. That’s not fun for anybody and tends to make players feel very frustrated.

In addition to this, Radiance’s attacks are all bullet hell-style spells. All of them except the floor hazards inflict two masks of damage, meaning if you want to stay alive and identify points where it’s possible to heal, you need to learn the spell patterns and dodge a lot. Radi is a large boss. If running into her hurt you this would make the bullet hell elements of her fight extra punishing.

So, I think the purely game mechanics reason for Moth Too Soft And Fluffy is in interest of keeping her boss fight fair, and helping players feel like they have a chance of actually defeating her.

Part of why we all love Hollow Knight, though, is that there’s not much in the game that only exists for purely mechanical reasons. There’s always some form of story or lore integration.

So what on earth is the story reason behind why Radiance doesn’t deal contact damage?

OTHER ENEMIES THAT DON’T DEAL CONTACT DAMAGE

Radi isn’t the only enemy (here defined as fightable/killable creature) in Hollow Knight who doesn't inflict contact damage, so let’s take a look at her fellow exceptions to the rule to see what we can learn.

Broadly speaking there are two categories of Enemies That Don’t Deal Contact Damage. The first is enemies or bosses who used to be hostile, but have become friendly to the player. For instance, when characters like Ogrim and Hornet are not being fought in boss battles, touching them won’t cause damage to Ghost. These story characters who Ghost has more or less reconciled with can’t be damaged by the player out of combat either.

In terms of generic enemies who used to be hostile but have become friendly to the player, we have the mantises of the Fungal Wastes and the Siblings/Ghost’s Shade. We learn from the game’s lore that the mantises Did Not Like The Pale King and were hostile to Hallownest, but that they established a ceasefire conditional on their keeping the people of Deepnest (who were also hostile to Hallownest) from leaving through the area’s main entrance/exit in the Fungal Wastes - essentially the two native kingdoms were pitted against one another by the Pale King.

Now, just because there was a ceasefire, that doesn’t mean the mantises take kindly to Hallownest bugs brazenly trespassing into their dang house; they will get in your face and try to kill you unless you have permission to be there. But once you’ve defeated the Mantis Lords in combat and proven yourself worthy of the mantises’ respect, they’ll let you pass through their turf unmolested. They are no longer actively hostile and don't deal contact damage.

(You're still able to attack them, though - maybe because you’d be locked out of receiving the Hunter’s Mark if you complete the Respect quest/achievement before you’ve successfully killed enough mantises? - and if you attack them, or if your pet charm familiars attack them, any mantises you aggroed will fight back and deal contact damage again.)

The Siblings, as well as Ghost’s Shade, are initially indiscriminately hostile. Our window into Shade psychology is limited, but we know that the Shade died violently and the Siblings probably did too; they may be lashing out. They’re also Void creatures, and Ghost looks a lot like the Pale King, whom we can guess from context clues pissed the Void off significantly by using it as his personal play-doh to make tools and toys with and also using its house as his personal garbage dump for baby corpses.

However, once Ghost recalls their past and breaks the mask of the Kingsoul charm to reveal the Void Heart at its core, the Void recognizes them as a part of it, and Ghost becomes able to direct/lead the Void to some extent. As an extension of this, the Siblings and Ghost’s shade become docile and can now be killed by any weapon in one hit instead of just the Dream Nail (which is made of Radiance’s Light and is the Void’s natural weakness). They don’t deal contact damage anymore either.

That’s it for “enemies that inflict contact damage at one point, but stop inflicting it after becoming friendly or neutral to Ghost”.

The generic enemies which don't inflict contact damage include shrumelings, maggots, maskflies, and lightseeds/lifeseeds. These enemies are incapable of inflicting any damage on Ghost whatsoever, because by themselves they are completely helpless entities with no natural defenses.

Shrumelings are infant members of the mushroom clan who are usually protected by adult fungi like shrumal warriors and ogres. Lightseeds and lifeseeds are harmless single-celled organisms. Maskflies are similarly harmless. Maggots, we glean from the Hunter’s Journal and dialogue from False Knight/Failed Champion, are the bottom rung of Hallownest’s society because they are weak and helpless, and are forced into menial and slave labor by other Hallownest bugs because they cannot defend themselves. The maggots’ plight is the whole reason why False Knight/Failed Champion stole Hegemol's armor in the first place, as he wanted to protect his people.

All of these enemies flee when Ghost approaches them. (Some maskfly groups’ flight triggers are set to specific areas on a map and won’t flee if you can avoid stepping on/passing through those areas, but this is clearly due to a programming oversight because their whole Thing is running away.)

But, there’s something interesting to be observed in the case of lightseeds and maggots: They can fight back against and harm Ghost if they use tools. The little flock of lightseeds you chase around the Ancient Basin eventually get sick of Ghost’s shit and take over Broken Vessel/Lost Kin’s corpse, which they puppet around to try to murder you. By doing so they gain access to Broken Vessel/Lost Kin’s considerable combat prowess and become very dangerous, contact damage included in the bargain. (The lightseeds’ doing this seems to evoke the vessel’s spirit, since they reach for Ghost when defeated. That’s not a gesture the lightseeds have any reason to make. The Lost Kin fight, by which the spirit seems to gain some form of closure, becomes available here too.)

False Knight/Failed Champion’s fights work on the same general principle. Now that he has a weapon he can attack Ghost, and his armor deals contact damage. The maggot inside the armor does not inflict contact damage; essentially both his boss fights consist of your whacking the armor until he’s stunned and pops out of the armor for a moment so you can hit his vulnerable real body, which is the only part of him that yields Soul when you smack him. In fact, his boss fights will last forever if you let him recover from being stunned on his own.

Between these two groups, Radiance very obviously doesn’t fit in the first, as she’s the final boss and is very vigorously trying to kill Ghost with various magic spells. You can tell from her Dream Nail dialogue that she’s furious about what the Pale King did to her and her people, and is afraid for her life. She is willing to use everything at her disposal to try to destroy Ghost so she can survive, go free, and get revenge for the Pale King’s crimes. If she could do contact damage to Ghost she would.

So, the only logical conclusion to make is that Radi falls into the second group of enemies that don’t inflict contact damage. She is physically incapable of causing any harm to anyone with only her body. Her magic is deadly as all get out and the 2 masks damage explosion noise probably haunts the nightmares of anyone who’s struggled fighting her, but without it she is helpless.

WHY CAN’T RADIANCE DO CONTACT DAMAGE?

It might be pretty hard to reconcile the fact that a character with Audre Lorde energy as potent as Radi Hollowknight’s is has a whopping 0 ATK. The biggest clues we get in terms of story context for her inability to inflict physical harm of any kind can be found within the culture of the moth tribe, who were her people.

Thistlewind, the backer-designed moth ghost who can be found in the Resting Grounds, tells you that the majority of moths were pacifists, and that individuals like them and like Markoth who learned to wield a nail were in the minority. Thistlewind appears to have learned to fight as a means of self-defense while they explored the crater area, and describes Markoth as having done so in order to “[brave] the edges of this world, hoping to uncover a truth long forgotten”. It sounds to me like Markoth was trying to recover parts of moth culture that were lost when their tribe was assimilated into Hallownest, or maybe even searching for Radiance or trying to learn what happened to her. (Judging that his corpse is hidden behind one of the Pale King’s shade gates it seems this didn’t go well. Thanks TPK.)

As far as fighting moths go there’s Marmu too, but she seems to be a special case, possibly raised in Hallownest's culture instead of with her tribe. We don’t actually get any sort of canon explanation for how a baby moth wound up as a child soldier who died defending the Queen’s Gardens, but given the overall tone of Hollow Knight as a game and all the colonization/Australian history parallel subtext, some horrifying possibilities come to mind.

So, if Thistlewind, Markoth, and Marmu are Outliers Lepidoptera and should not be counted, how did the majority of moths spend their time? According to Seer, who knows more about the tribe’s history than most (and to Quirrel, who points you to her if you defeat Uumuu before picking up the Dream Nail), the moths’ main prerogative was cultivating and developing dream magic. From the way the Seer describes dreams as a living history as you collect Essence, dream magic seems to be a parallel to the Dreaming (or Dreamtime), a spiritual concept in Indigenous Australian religion related to both history and myth.

To translate this into simple terms, the moths were by and large pacifists whose culture celebrated art, history, and spirituality.

Team Cherry tends to adapt at least some aspects of real-life bug behavior and biology into their sad cartoon bugs, so moths-as-pacifists tracks: Real moths do not really have any way to fight. They defend themselves from predators via their mobility and their markings, which tend towards either camouflage that helps them hide or bright markings intended to scare predators off by indicating they’re poisonous (therefore not good to eat) or look like the face of something much bigger and more dangerous than they are.

There's not that much we can glean about the moths in pre-Hallownest society aside from Seer’s dialogue, because Hallownest destroyed their civilization so thoroughly: Except in the Dream Realm (which is filled with Essence spirographs and the wisteria charms that decorate Seer’s room), their architecture can only be found anymore in hidden parts of the Resting Grounds and at the very top of the Crystal Peak where Radi’s statue and a fuckton of lore tablets Ghost doesn’t know how to read are located.

But, we know that the crater pre-Hallownest was home to a ton of diverse bug nations - the mosskin, the mushroom tribe, the mantises, Deepnest, the Hive, the flukes - and every SINGLE one of those had some kind of warrior tradition, as well as their own unique cultures. In the midst of all that it was only the moths who were pacifists, so from there we can tentatively assume that they were on good enough terms with their neighbors for there not to be any fighting. The mosskin in particular also had and still have a Higher Being on their side, though in the modern day Unn seems to be rather conflict avoidant to say the least.

And we know from Hallownest’s past dealings with the mantises and Deepnest that even having Two (2) Higher Beings isn’t enough to keep rival civilizations off your nuts if they hate you, so it’s improbable that Radiance just did all the moths’ fighting for them.

The only hint that the moths ever had beef with anyone at all is one of Radiance’s Dream Nail lines, “ancient enemy” - this is popularly theorized to refer to the Void and might be corroborated by the Void’s willingness to follow Ghost into Radi’s boss fights and fight alongside them. As the Void seems to be some sort of Higher Being/god of darkness and nothingness, and the Dream Nail’s only offensive ability is to kill Void creatures, the Void and creatures of Light appear to be in a position of mutual vulnerability. Some of the Pale King’s writings in his workshop, which identify the Void as a power in direct opposition to his, support this too.

It’s unclear whether the Void civilization and Radiance ever directly came to blows or whether they were just giving each other the stink eye over being natural enemies - personally I think the latter is more likely because the two civilizations existed on opposite sides of the crater*, and again, the moths were pacifists; plus when Ghost brings the Void along to Radi’s boss fight she is quickly and gruesomely overwhelmed by it.

What I am saying here is that if pacifism was such an integral aspect of moth culture, and Radiance epitomized her people’s culture, and she is 100% incapable of inflicting physical harm, she was probably a pacifist too.

DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOU WEREN'T BUILT FOR FIGHTING

Hallownest flourished for a long, long time between the Pale King and White Lady first establishing it and the initial outbreak of the Infection.

There’s no conclusive information in-game as to why this is. We can only guess: Maybe Radiance was so badly hurt or weakened by the moths’ assimilation that it simply took her That Long to become capable of the mass dream broadcast to Literally Everyone In Hallownest that would eventually become the Infection when Hallownest’s people tried to suppress it. Or, maybe it just took a long time for her to come up with a way to fight back. It’s possible that it took her a while to find the resolve to actually fight back, too, with her principles of pacifism in conflict with the necessity of defending herself and taking her people back. Maybe there was a change in the moths’ situation in Hallownest somewhere down the line that compelled her to step in - all the moths are super extremely dead at the time Hollow Knight starts, after all. Even Seer is eventually revealed to be a revenant like Ze’mer the Grey Mourner, only lingering in the world to pass on the Dream Nail and tell Radiance’s story. Maybe it was a combination of all those factors. Barring Team Cherry dropping in to explain this bit of Sekret Deep Lore, we are never going to know.

All we DO know for sure is that when we mosey into Hollow’s brain (and/or Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny our way to the top of Hallownest’s Pantheon) and challenge the literal actual sun to a fight, Radi takes the challenge with extreme prejudice and comes in swinging.

Something interesting I noticed while comparing the Radiance boss fights with the Pure Vessel fight is that some of their attacks are vaguely similar. Where warrior-mage characters like Xero and Markoth have physical weapons that they summon and manipulate with magic, Radiance and Pure Vessel both create nails and daggers out of Essence and Soul respectively. Both characters’ magical weapon attacks are similar in nature too: Some are used to create hazards that must be dodged or avoided, and some are fired directly at Ghost in radial patterns.

This begs a very sad chicken-and-egg question. Did Radi and Hollow develop these battle techniques independently of each other, has Hollow in their prime form somehow absorbed similar techniques to Radi through osmosis since they’re currently chained together by the brain... or is Radi mimicking and innovating on these attacks she knows Hollow can do?

All her other attacks seem very obvious for a light-themed character, after all: Beam attacks and blobs of light. A flash of bright light is also how she shakes off the Void the first time it tries to grab her, too, making for a strong argument that that’s the original natural defense she possessed, and that’s what she based most of her attack magic off of.

Making sword’s and knive’s from Essence when most of her people didn’t even handle these sorts of tools even at the height of her power and influence, though... that seems less like something that would come naturally to her. i don’t really know i don’t have a definitive answer or theory for this one it just Seems Possible and it’s fucking me up guys

Even the Infection - which began life as Radiance’s attempt to communicate, let’s remember, before it progressed to “The End Of Eva Disease Will Continue Until Someone Actually Listens To Me” and then finally Radi screaming “FUCK U LET ME OUT, GET THAT NEW SUNNY D BOTTLE THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, HALLOWNEST EAT SHIT” during canon - does not appear to be fatal to living bugs until the tumorous growths grow so large they impede bodily functions, like real cancer. We can observe this phenomenon via a number of NPCs and enemies that are rediscovered as tumorous corpses after the whole Crossroads area becomes infected.

At least to me, all of this points to Radiance being a character to whom violence and causing harm doesn't come naturally, and who has resorted to these methods in desperation.

It actually reminds me a lot of False Knight/Failed Champion. It’s a very common theory among fans that when he stole Hegemol’s armor he killed Hegemol - this is a reasonable thing to believe, since Hegemol is the only one of the Five Great Knights of Hallownest who never appears at all in-game, not even as a corpse like Dryya and Isma. Like Radi, False Knight/Failed Champion is a character who rose up and turned to violence in order to protect his people, despite the maggots not being a belligerent species.

False Knight is one of the game’s first major bosses, sometimes the first boss that players encounter at all. And so Hollow Knight’s story bookends with two separate victims of a predatory system, one who lived within and was cannibalized by it, one outside of it who was deliberately targeted by the Pale King. Neither of them started out as a fighter, but both of them still adopted violence as a tool to protect themselves and their people. Radiance is as doomed as False Knight by the Pale King’s genocide, but just like False Knight, she has no intention of going quietly, and will rage against the dying of the light as only the literal actual sun can.

Cue Deedee Magno Hall voice clip. You all know the one.

*A footnote: There’s no conclusive evidence to tell us whether the Void civilization was contemporaneous with the other pre-Hallownest indigenous bug nations or whether it predated them. Mask Maker has a line suggesting that the Void civilization tried to expand throughout the crater in its heyday and that maybe this was linked to its collapse, but in general the Void lore is just too darn thin to draw firm conclusions - it’s like trying to speculate on the ancient stone age cultures of the Americas that came before pre-settler Indigenous countries when the only sources you can easily access are elementary school level US history textbooks. (To non-Americans: We mostly teach kids propaganda until they hit college-level courses and it sucks so much ass.) This is very realistic worldbuilding, but also please Team Cherry I want to know more about these ancient bugs who apparently got lost in the sauce

[silvermoonshipping-is-love]

DrownedSilver Week Day 7: What If

WARNING: Hints of child abuse/physical abuse. Which should obvious, given the character(s) in question, but still. Stay safe once again.

*

‘How could you?! We gave you what you wanted! And you betray everyone?!’

‘I-I...-’

‘Try running, we will find you!’

‘Everything you have will be for nothing!’

The hand tightened around his throat.

‘You don’t deserve anything… And we’ll make sure of that.’

*

Ben shot up, panting from the nightmare, regaining his breathing. He puts his face in his hands, kinda tugging at his slightly too long bangs.

‘I thought I was getting better with this…’

How come that now that everything has been fine for so long, memories of his childhood; if you can call it that; reemerged stronger than ever.

Ben sighed as he calmed down, but still feeling uneasy.

He recalls his therapist having mentioned that anxiety may cause unpleasant thoughts like these to come more frequently. Guess they were right. That was an especially horrific nightmare this time.

So Ben stayed silent and brought his knees up to his chest, trying to tell himself how it wasn’t real. He kept staring ahead, the room being engulfed in darkness, so Ben instead turned to watch the sleeping figure next to him.

Because he was still there, alive and well as he slept peacefully, back turned to his husband. So was their bedroom with their figurines and games, Hibiki’s books and glasses still on the night table, his prosthetic legs besides them, even the box with cat toys. Though their two companions haven’t joined them for the night, resting in the living room or so Ben presumed.

It was calming him, no matter how much the words still lingered in his mind and he can’t help but smile as he kinda drifted back into the past.

*

“Um… Hey. What’s your name?”

Ben looked up, his hood and messy wavy hair covering most of his face, a pathetic attempt to hide the bruises, other than band-aids. He saw a boy around his age standing in front of him, eyes and hair a very dark brown, almost black, his legs being the most noticeable part as they seemed fake and like he had trouble standing upright. The boy looked nervous, but still polite.

While not showing so in his expression, Ben was surprised somebody even talked to him, considering he’s just the quiet kid hanging around by himself near the swings like everyday. There are many, surely more interesting, children around them.

The boy started again, going a bit slower: “What’s your na-”

“I heard you the first time.”, Ben cut him off, the boy taken aback, but gaining a wonky smile.

“Oh, sorry. But you gave no answer and some kids say I talk weird sometimes. Or too much and fast, so they don’t know what I meant. ...So you wanna tell me?”

Well, the kids were at least right when it came to the talking too much, but he continued to stay apprehensive, the grip on the swing tightening just slightly. “What do you want from me?”

The boy blinked: “Your name? As I said.”

“Why?”

“Because I keep seeing you around school and wanna meet you?”, the boy answered, moving aside to lean against the swing set instead of just standing around, “You always seem so sad.”

Ben was shocked, he didn’t even think anyone noticed him, or even would talk to him. Most of his classmates ignore him, calling him rude or even creepy.

“I’m fine by myself though”, Ben said, believing it to be true. He wasn’t friendless after all, and he didn’t wish for any more friends.

But he still lied about one thing: “And I’m not sad by the way.”

“Oh… I misunderstood then.”, the boy frowned a little and stopped leaning at the set, maybe now he’ll leave.

But instead he held out his hand to Ben: “Then I’ll just start. I’m Hibiki.”

Ben didn’t return the gesture, still too shocked and confused why this boy hasn’t left him alone yet. A part probably wanting to yell at him to do so, but another stopping him from doing so, yearning for this kind of bond with anyone.

“I’m… Benjamin.”

“Can I call you ‘Ben’ then?”

“No.”

Hibiki pouted, but then accepted it.

They started a; more or less one-sided; conversation. Ben learning way too much about one person just today than he wanted or expected. Like how Hibiki’s family moved here from Japan, some hobbies of his, how invested he is towards animals and how he dreams of having an own bakery or cafe one day.

Most of the time Ben only gave half-assed answers, yet Hibiki never seemed to have minded, while his classmates would have told him off for being arrogant already by this point. It felt… nice.

At one point Hibiki noticed Ben’s Triforce necklace, asking him about it, Ben too ashamed to say too much like usual. So instead Hibiki just pulled out his key-chain of a pink fairy looking thing, the left side missing an arm and wing, as well as the color fading away. He explained it being a Celebi from the Pokemon franchise, but Ben knowing way too little about it to understand a single thing being told to him.

And while it was a strange first encounter, Ben started seeing Hibiki at school or so more and more; Hibiki being just one grade under him; and slowly but surely warming up to him, spending away the days. As long as his parents and… ‘father’ didn’t interfere.

Then again… Ben wasn’t sure if eventually Hibiki would catch on, maybe he’d even join. For him surely. And then it happened sooner than expected.

“Ben… Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Silver.” A nickname Ben picked up after allowing Hibiki to call him just ‘Ben’ finally. Even if more often than not it annoyed Hibiki, because ‘The protagonist is named Gold, the rival is Silver’, but he refused to listen.

“Why are you bruised so often?”

Ben froze and sat up from having laid in the grass, staring at his friend’s worried expression.

“Do you get into fights that often? Do they hurt you badly-”

“No, I don’t get into fights!”, Ben said, a bit too loud as Hibiki flinched, “I-I mean… I get them… I… it’s from baseball practice, remember?”

“I never once saw you play baseball, you never tell anything… And I don’t think that baseball can leave such bad wounds…”

“I get hit in the face A LOT.”, Ben tried, looking around, trying to find any lie or explanation, not noticing how his hands started to shake, “It’s really okay, Hibiki.”

“Somebody keeps on hurting you, don’t they?”

Ben fell silent.

Hibki huffed, attempting to look brave: “Who are they? If they keep doing that-”

“It’s nothing… I deserve it anyways…”, Ben muttered. He couldn’t find anything anymore, too tired for it.

So instead he braced himself and told Hibiki. About his home life and… even the cult.

But he insisted Hibiki never told anyone about it, and he was sure it would be that way.

However just a few weeks later the police scanned the entire city, ending up at Ben’s home, arresting his parents, as others looked for any trace of the leaders and any still missing children. The officers tried to assure Ben that everything was fine now, but also tell them everything he knows that can help them. It scared him, everything fell apart, what if it had consequences? He could feel tears welling up, ready to spill out, but then felt a squeeze at his hand.

Since Hibiki told his parents and the police about it, he also insisted on coming to Ben and comfort him. And he held his word, as he gave a reassuring nod, holding his hand the whole way through as Ben gave in and explained everything.

And since then Hibiki never strayed from Ben’s side. Even when he was sent into an orphanage, far away out of safety with the cult. It was more difficult now of course, states away from each other, but they kept contact up as much and as long as possible.

They met again in a cafe, both grown up, having needed a moment to recognize each other. But once they did, it ending in a heartfelt reunion and looots of catching up. While Ben still had his mostly green clothes; as well as his now even longer wavy brown hair, securely tied in a pony tail now most of the times, due to it no longer having to hide his face; Hibiki changed remarkably.

He’s grown way taller, having been slightly shorter to around the same height as Ben as a child, his hair being dyed a warm reddish brown, Hibiki mentioning he thinks of getting a new hair style as well, and deep red glasses on top of his nose. He became a real adult as Ben would joke, while he remained looking like a teen almost.

It was a joyous moment to find out that Hibiki had moved to a town nearby, meaning it was now easier to uphold contact for them.

The few years after that were messy, Ben’s study in IT leaving him stressed out, while Hibiki never gave up his dream of opening his cafe, so as they got closer started to live together in a nice little apartment. And from there it all came naturally. Confessions, dates, adopting their cats and finally Marriage.

*

Ben returned from memory lane back into their bedroom, realizing he started embracing Hibiki from behind, a content smile having stretched across his lips. Hibiki was always by his side, even through the troubles and fights and annoyances, mostly towards him.

Like how Ben still never gave up on his nickname ‘Silver’, or how he can’t cook to save their lives or him having refused to go seek a therapist the first few years.

“You worrying about tomorrow?”, a voice asked, catching Ben off guard as Hibiki moved to lay on his back, returning the embrace with one arm, showing him to be awake. Ben remembering that even Hibiki’s voice changed to a low warm tone.

“...No… Just a nightmare…”, Ben muttered as an answer, nuzzling his face into his lover’s chest, closing his eyes; wishing to no longer think about those words and pictures. “About back then…”

Hibiki looked stern: “Just to let you know, I never once regretted it.”

“I know.”

Ben sighs, finally looking back up, smiling: “But I’m better now… I just… started to reminiscence of the past a little…”

“Oh, really now?”, Hibiki chuckled, turning fully on his side instead to look into Ben’s eyes, them sparkling with curiosity to listen. “Like what?”

At least one thing from his child self remained within him.

“Oh, you know, just… back when we were just stupid kids, and how much had changed or not changed when we met again. ...Maybe I should change myself a little like you.”

Ben looked up, smirking: “You think colored contacts would work? And hazel or grey ones? Oh, do you think blond dyed hair would suit me?”

Hibki placed a hand on his husband’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb, cutting him off from his ramblings. “I think you’re beautiful regardless. Especially your eyes. I love your heterochromia, don’t hide it.”

Ben blushed for a second, but then rolled his eyes: “I know that, you sap. But just speaking.”

“Well then. In my opinion, I think blonde hair wouldn’t suit you at all. I can’t force you otherwise though of course.”

Ben giggled: “What, why?”

“I just can’t see it. You and blonde hair? Ugh.”

Ben playfully punched Hibiki in the arm, who didn’t even react to it, still smiling lovingly: “Much better now?”

“I suppose… I’m not… thinking of the nightmare anymore at least.”, Ben trailed off, “But I’m still nervous…”

“What if I fail the interview or… or the cycle continues? I’ll be like them, I-”

“Ben-”

“I can barely take care of myself, I’m not the kindest or so like you, what if I’m gonna ruin everything-”

“Ben!”, Hibiki finally got through as Ben looked back up, still in his arms.

“You’re going to be a wonderful dad. You wanted this for so long, didn’t you?”

Ben hesitated, but nodded.

“See? I know you’re going to love and care for the child the best you can. And if you’re nervous of being bad: Remember that you knowledge it and worry about it being the case. So you can’t be all that bad.” Hibiki pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “Because only bad people don’t care about the wrong they’re causing.”

“...How many times am I going to hear that sentence from you or Steven in my life?”, Ben joked.

“Well, until it is finally ingrained in your brain.”

Hibiki snuggled into his lover’s soft hair as he brings him closer.

“It’s late, let’s try and sleep. We’ll have more restless nights afterwards.”

Ben nodded once more, trying to fall back into slumber.

He does so, hoping the best for tomorrow.

[kirstinmaldonado]

Chapter Four 2.0

Is it just me or are the alarming numbers of posts about weight gain or weight loss in this time freaking everyone out? I know I’m not innocent; I’ve definitely joked about my personal quarantine-15 as well, blindingly attempting to hide my own insecurities with it through humor.

But if I see another “Carbie” or changed photo online insinuating weight gain, I might cry.

It’s hard enough trying to “make the most” of your time, even if you’re riddled with it. If you read my last post, you’d think by now I’d be the fit, Spanish-speaking, piano-playing, singer-songwriter that Week 1 Kwarantine Kirstie dreamed of. As we know, I’ve “fallen off.”

But have I? Is this really the age we’re in? Where in a global pandemic we still feel the urge to get a thousand things done in the mere 24 hours we get a day? 

That societal pressures are so prominent that we all joke together about how much weight we’ll gain? And where posts scream at you with side by side pictures of extreme weight loss, expecting you to not only have your life together but lose weight with all this “extra time?”

I digress. I can’t do it all and keep my mental health in check.

People are either finding new or returning to hobbies to distract themselves from what is going on right now, and that’s great. If yours is that home workout, I applaud you!! Keep at it! It’s so good for your mental and physical health, I know I need to be more on top of it! 

If it’s reading a little, spring cleaning, whatever it is that you are able to accomplish, I am proud of you! If you’ve been able to dig in and uncover a goal you’d not been able to achieve before, don’t let this or anything hold you back! I hope to get to that mindset and I feel I am on my way!

But in the meantime, I’ve been baking, and since there’s only two people in the house it’s, y’know, not ideal for the waistline.

But here’s my deal. I’m coping. When I went to the grocery store a few weeks ago and saw empty shelves, I cried and went to the baking aisle to get decorations and proper ingredients for the baking I was planning on doing. My hands have been stained with food color more often than not within just this last week, as I baked for friends’ birthdays in quarantine and for Easter.

And that’s okay! I am adapting.

You know why I stopped baking so much in the first place? I ran out of time. When I’d be home from tour I wanted to relax more than work all night in the kitchen. I wanted to spend quality time enjoying others’ company rather than cleaning pots and pans all night. But I’ve realized now more than ever that baking just brings me this sense of happiness, like I’m sure other things do for you guys.

There’s a rhythm to baking, how you mix it. You can’t rush the process, ‘cause the icing will melt if your treat hasn’t cooled. There’s a sense of calm patience I enjoy that is hard to replicate. And then the decorating taps in to my artistic side, and depending on how I’m feeling I’m either slathering that icing on freely or delicately decorating with pearl accents and made-from-chocolate flourish!

Baking brings me back to Nana’s and Grandma’s kitchens. My favorite thing was baking with them, rolling dough, watching them and learning! As I grew older, got my own place, that feeling of baking and care-taking made me happy. Baked goods always have a lot of love in them, I feel, and is this not a time to put a smile on peoples’ faces? Why not do what I love on Easter and bake a whole cake, a hobby that reminds me of my family that I miss so much and can’t be with?

I don’t want all this to sound like an explanation for my recent eating choices. You’re not my food journal. And even though I’ve dipped away from my goals and feel a little disappointment, I know I was cathartic baking and so accept the consequences of my actions. The point is to recognize and move forward.

I also don’t want this to be like every “how/why not to gain weight in quarantine” post, because I don’t know how to do that.

With all the stress on how this would progress, I don’t blame myself or anyone for freaking out when they saw empty shelves and grabbing the closest thing they could find that has a decent shelf-life (Kraft Mac n Cheese…). The real hurdle here, my point, is just making sure you’re being healthy to yourself.

If you want some red wine, go for it. If you want to treat yourself, okay! These things are all fine in doses as long as you don’t transform your habits from healthy to unhealthy.

I have binged before. I have purged before. I have had the most unhealthy views of my body before. I still battle with it. But within this last year I have gained so much knowledge about how my body operates. I have fed it cleaner food and seen how it’s transformed my mind, body, and spirit. I have worked SO hard and done two a days. It’s not always the easiest, but I spent quality time taking care of myself.

All that to say, my initial 2020 goals were to remain on track and healthy to myself. This is THE year, I thought.

Coronavirus put a…twist on my goals. I haven’t been fussing about the wine I’ve had, or the goodies I’ve made, as I focused more on my mental health. I am glad I let myself just be. It really helped. But it’s mid week five and we have five more weeks ahead of us at least. And as I started looking at myself in the mirror, or flipping through Instagram, I could feel my anxiety creep up again. So I made that dreaded trip to the scale and got out my measuring tape which I’d used before to track progress.

And you know what? I gained inches. I gained weight. 

Did it make me…kinda sad? Yes. I felt disappointed as if all my hard work last year was for naught.

But…I gained weight in a global pandemic.

In the big picture of things, how fortunate am I to have the resources to feed myself. To gain weight. 

All these ads, all the modified pictures which are ACTUALLY kinda fat-shaming, all this panic of gaining weight is so triggering while everyone is just trying to keep relatively afloat. It feels insensitive. I can’t flip through Instagram without seeing people capitalizing on the situation. “Lost 20lbs with this amazing home workout plan and tea” or diets to take care of the “stubborn fat you’ll have” when this ends. It’s toxic for those that battle with eating disorders or body dysmorphia. It’s toxic for those that are just able to get what they can. There’s enough stress already! We are staying inside and at home for a REASON. If you have the luxury to gain a few pounds while you’re safer at home, good for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself as you try to mitigate a PANDEMIC.

I am trying not to be. I am re-adjusting how I’m working out so it fits more in line with my aesthetic goals. We are almost done eating the carrot cake from Easter (yikes, I know, already, it was too good). 

All I hope for myself, and for you all, is that you don’t fall in to unhealthy ways, mentally or physically. It’s a battle, especially in this time, I know! I’ll be the first to say I haven’t been my best. Gaining some pounds isn’t unhealthy itself, but can manifest into bad habits in this isolation like binging or an overall sedentary, unmotivated lifestyle.

If you’re moving, you’re getting a little sun, and you are staying safe and healthy, you’re gonna be okay. Don’t let little personal fluctuations alarm you and derail who you are and what you’ve worked for. The world is fluctuating with you, so you are constantly having to adapt!

I’m going to make a better effort to not coop myself inside, be aware if I’m overdoing the emotionally eating, and feed my body in all the right ways. Mind. Body. Spirit. Besides that, it’s just taking one day at a time.

I hope you all are safe and healthy. I hope you all are still believing and trying your best. <3

[pokegeek151]

By popular demand, what if Orion was well written part 2/??

Previous   Next   Bonus

Orion was settling into a more comfortable position in his chair, seemingly oblivious to Holly’s nervous energy across from him. Argon, somewhat desperate to talk to Artemis after he’d missed over a month of sessions in favor of letting Orion handle them, had agreed to step out at the young man’s request. The doctor decided that leaving him alone for this exercise was a bad idea, though, so Holly was called in to babysit.

“I don’t think I’m qualified to do this,” she said.

“You’ll be fine, love,” Orion said with what he hoped was reassuring confidence. “Though you know I adore being around you, your presence is mostly a formality.” As he spoke, he placed his hands facedown on his legs, allowed his limbs to relax into the gel-supported cushioning, and let his eyes fall closed. “Expect to be bored.”

“If you say so,” she said. As Orion’s motions stilled, Holly spoke up again. “How long do you think it will take?”

“Difficult to say. If Artemis is agreeable, only a couple minutes.” He opened one eye and grinned. “Though Artemis being agreeable is not something I would place money on if you’re not in the habit of losing.”

Holly grinned as well and allowed Orion to begin his meditation. Despite herself, she leaned forward curiously. Though she had of course induced a few switches herself, they were all violent and came after long periods of electroshock-induced unconsciousness. She had never seen them do a voluntary switch.

Orion spent a few minutes focusing on his breathing and observing his body in physical space. Artemis had taken up mediation and mindfulness as a hobby years ago, and that knowledge had sunk into Orion’s consciousness, as well. Eventually, the world around him slipped away and the light of Artemis’ mind office became visible in the distance. At this realization, the image of legs formed beneath him, and he walked towards it. By the time he arrived at the office, Orion was fully formed in the mind space.

“Artemis, can I come in?” he asked, though it was unnecessary. The mind is a funny thing; though Orion as the conscious alter had to focus on the arrival into the office, to Artemis, he simply appeared already inside. Orion was nothing but a gentleman, though, and he always asked for an invitation into what he considered Artemis’ space.

“Of course,” Artemis answered. His desk had changed since Orion had last visited; there were stacks of paper and what appeared to be a rudimentary circuit board and other electrical materials arranged atop it. Of course, rudimentary was relative, and the board on the desk was actually quite advanced on an objective level, but Orion knew that it was practically a child’s toy to Artemis.

“What’s that?” Orion asked, genuinely curious. He had never seen anything like it in the mind office.

“I’ve been doing experiments,” Artemis replied. He stepped aside and allowed Orion to examine the device. “It’s quite a simple circuit board, but I have perfect knowledge of its construction and properties.” He reached over and pressed a button on the board, and the device buzzed to life. “It took quite a bit of mental effort and focus, but I have actually created a working piece of electronic equipment in my own mind.”

“Astounding,” Orion said, awestruck. It was incomprehensibly impressive. “A perfect recreation of a physical object.”

“I knew you’d have a proper appreciation within the mind space,” Artemis said. While together like this, the edges of their personalities started to blur and mix. They were still separate, but perhaps not as distinct as when one of them was fronting. Some of Artemis’ intelligence and scientific awareness bled over.

Orion nodded, though something about the discovery bothered him. “But why?” he asked, gingerly placing the device back onto the desk. 

“I have no intention of spending the rest of my life simply watching you pilot my body,” he said. “So I came up with something to do. I plan to experiment with oil paints next, then move on to something more complicated. My goal is to be able to invent from within here and run accurate tests on new discoveries.” He sounded genuinely excited, his willingness to show emotion enhanced by Orion’s presence.

Orion wasn’t sure how to react. A certain detail Artemis had mentioned was making it hard for him to get as excited as his alter. “That is…very impressive, Artemis,” he said. He hesitated, trying to phrase his concern delicately, then decided not to beat around the bush. “Do you really expect to spend your whole life in here?”

Artemis, who had started to fiddle with the circuit board, paused. “Well, I suppose not,” he said noncommittally.

Orion stepped around him, partially blocking his view of the desk. “You can’t stay in here forever, Artemis.”

Artemis stepped back, away from Orion. “And why not? Who are you to dictate my life?”

“It’s my life, too,” he said, taking a half step closer to Artemis, who moved away the same amount. “And there are people out there waiting for you.”

“People whom I will push away once I lose myself to the disease.” There was a rising anger in Artemis. Orion could feel it. 

“People who will stand by your side while you recover,” he countered. This wasn’t how he wanted the conversation to go.

“When I’m outside, I am not the person they know. I cannot control my own thoughts.”

“They know that, and they love you.”

“And what do you know of that?” It was Artemis’ turn to move forward and Orion’s to retreat. “They tolerate you, at best, and you know that.”

“You’re wrong, Artemis.”

Artemis continued his approach, forcing Orion towards the view wall inch by inch. “Am I? You are delusional; the world to you is a storybook.”

“That’s not fair, I’ve been getting better—“

“You have no respect for Holly’s personal boundaries. She is disgusted by you.”

“That’s not true. I’m learning, and she—“

Artemis stopped as Orion’s back was about to touch the gel of the wall. “And worst of all, you are trying to replace me, and they know that.”

Orion planted his feet and met his alter in the eye. “I’m not trying to replace you. You’re stressed, and your paranoia has infected your haven. Allow yourself to calm down, and you will see you are thinking illogically.”

Artemis also planted his feet. “Get out of my head,” he said, and pushed Orion into the view wall.

Artemis, ever unathletic, had telegraphed his action, so Orion wasn’t surprised when he was shoved, but he allowed it to happen anyway. He knew that Artemis was too agitated to be reasoned with at the moment, a once rare, nearly impossible occurrence that was happening more and more frequently as Artemis continued to lock himself inside his mind. Orion thought perhaps that allowing Artemis to shove him might offer some cathartic relief, at the very least. 

The gel fizzled on his skin, though the golden fours that made the substance buzz with electricity ignored him. Because he was allowing himself to resurface, the wall gave him almost no resistance. 

In the real world, his body jolted in the chair. Holly rushed to support him immediately, placing a hand on his shoulder to help keep him upright.

“Artemis? Are you alright?”

“I am fine, princess, though the fair prince remains trapped within his accursed tower.” Ah, there was the fairy tale, right on schedule. The stress was exacerbating his delusions. “I fear a witch has hexed him. Perhaps we can brew a potion to negate the enchantment.”

Holly frowned but didn’t contradict him. “I take it Artemis wasn’t feeling agreeable?”

Orion rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. “No. He pushed me out. Literally.” He was exhausted from the ordeal. Entering the mind space with Artemis was not itself a tiring activity, but the mental energy he expended in their fight, as well as the rather ungraceful exit, had drained him.

“What happened?” she asked, shifting from sitting on her heels to kneeling beside his chair.

“He’s inventing,” Orion said. “He built a circuit board.”

“Hunkering down,” Holly realized. “He’s in it for the long haul.”

“Indeed. He got angry at me. He yelled at me, forced me out. As I told the good Doctor, he’s scared. He fears you’ll reject him, princess.”

Holly looked almost offended. “I wouldn’t dare,” she said.

Orion smiled sadly. “I know. I told him as much, but he was beyond reason.” Holly opened her mouth to question, clearly confused by the very notion, but Orion explained before she could ask. “Within the mind space, our characteristics…mix, a bit. Though I am made from that which he had repressed, when the two parts are put together, we begin to combine. There is no risk,” he added quickly, seeing concern flash across her features. “Just a bit of blurring at the edges.”

Holly looked around the room, giving her eyes something to do while she processed all of this. “If asking nicely won’t work, we’ll have to come up with something more aggressive,” she decided. “He can’t just stay in there forever.”

Orion nodded. “We will save him from the dragons that plague him.” He tried to shift his posture to evoke the stance of a knight, but he only held it for a moment before the exhaustion hit him again and he tilted forward into Holly, who had moved to catch him before he even realized he was falling. The chair was comfortable, but he had no desire to sleep in it. “Though perhaps we should return to the castle first. I would appreciate some time to recover before we begin our quest.” Holly helped him stand, and after an uncertain moment, Orion gained his balance. 

><

In the hall, Argon was pacing, waiting for the pair to finish. He turned excitedly when the door finally opened.

“Artemis? Holly? How did it go?” he asked, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“Orion is exhausted,” Holly said bitterly. She wanted Artemis to spend some time outside his own head as much as the next person, but Argon’s blatant disregard for Orion was insulting. “Session’s ending early.” Without waiting for approval, she led Orion down the hall.

Argon scurried after them. “But there’s still nearly half an hour left!” he cried.

“Session’s over, doc,” Holly called over her shoulder. Even with an exhausted Mud Boy in tow, they were able to easily outpace the squat doctor.

Butler was waiting for them outside the clinic. There was nowhere inside for him to comfortably wait, though Foaly had said something about an oversized chair being put on order. He glanced at the door on habit as it opened, checking for security, but he did a double-take when he realized Holly and his charge leaving the building half an hour ahead of schedule.

“Is everything alright?” he asked as the pair approached.

“Argon is letting him go early, today,” Holly said in a tone that told Butler it was likely not Dr. Argon’s decision.

“And why is that?” he asked casually, falling into step with them as they headed towards the nearest shuttle station. If Holly had forced Argon to end the session, Butler was willing to trust it was for a good reason.

“Because Artemis is stubborn as a hungry troll,” she answered.

“He had no interest in making an appearance,” Orion added, confirming his identity for Butler.

Butler had, of course, known about the plan for today’s session, and he’d been quietly hoping Artemis would finally come back to them. Artemis and his alter looked a lot alike when tired, and Butler hadn’t been certain who was fronting. He must have let some of his disappointment show based on the way Orion’s features tightened, though the young man didn’t comment. Butler instantly felt guilty, though he also said nothing. He hadn’t meant to hurt Orion, but Artemis was still his priority. 

“I see,” was all the man offered.

The trek to the shuttle station was uneventful, though the group got more stares than usual. The regular commuters through this part of Haven had gotten used to seeing the massive Mud Man in this time of day, but the half hour difference was enough to mix up the crowd.

The shuttle ride was similarly uneventful; the one shuttle large enough to carry Butler had been co-opted by the LEP and served as private transport for the humans 3 days a week, so there was no need to wait for a ride or concern themselves with citizens being in their way. Orion dozed lightly during the ride, his head against Butler’s arm. He looked peaceful. As peaceful as Artemis did in his sleep, Butler noted.

Orion roused himself as the shuttle landed, though he fell asleep on Holly’s shoulder once they were in the Bentley. She nudged him awake once they arrived at the Manor.

“That really took a lot out of you,” she said as he unfolded himself from the car.

“More than expected,” he said. “I think I am sad,” he added, “for sadness is a tiring emotion.”

“What’s making you sad?” Holly asked. She had heard enough about his therapy sessions to pick up on some things. He still struggled with identifying his emotions at times, and encouraging him to explore what he was feeling helped with that.

“Artemis.” He held his hand out in front of him and turned it over and back, studying the surface and the way his fingers moved. “He is in anguish.”

Holly nodded. “I’m sad about that, too. And frustrated.” Her hands clenched into fists at her sides, and she forced herself to uncurl them.

Orion nodded. “You can’t punch your way through this.”

“As much as I want to,” she agreed.

The sessions with Argon were at the beginning of the day in Haven, but fairies being nocturnal creatures meant that it was dark above ground when they were done. There were footlights along the paths on the estate, but to minimize light pollution, they were on specialized motion sensors that were fine-tuned enough to differentiate between wild animals and humans (and fairies, of course). As such, the world around them was a shroud of gloom for a few seconds until the lights clicked on, giving everything a unique, almost unsettling glow from below. On hard, tiresome days like today, the unnatural underside lighting seemed mystical in a way Orion was growing better and better at determining to be part of his delusions. This was something he knew, and at Argon’s suggestion, he used this knowledge to practice grounding techniques after sessions.

Today was no exception. As much as he would love to go straight inside and collapse into bed, practice and consistency were important, so he took a few minutes to breathe deeply and take inventory of his senses and his thoughts. Holly and Butler both waited for him, silently exchanging slightly worried expressions. They knew what he was doing, but his mental health was still a concern, especially after a particularly trying therapy session. And of course, they were always thinking about Artemis. They had both returned their expressions to neutral by the time Orion was done, though, and the trio finally escaped the cool, humid night air so Orion could get some much needed rest.

[themilky-way]

the motive {loki odinson}

gif credit: astouract

pairing: loki odinson x female! reader

summary: he takes pleasure in the way you react to his words. it’s a fun game up until you’ve had enough, and everything he’s wanted is sitting before him. based on the morning by the weeknd.

warnings: was supposed to be hella implied nsfw but i guess i got soft halfway through BUT i redeemed myself so ha 😼. anyways, minor nsfw themes and language, so caution. tiny, TINY angst oops. we kinky in dis one 

author’s note: i started school again so getting more works done will take a bit longer but i’ll try to write as much as i can! anyways hope this satisfies y’all 😌

-------

it had started out as a joke. a fun little game that would bring him some sort of entertainment during his stay on earth. and while it did work fairly well during the first few weeks, he never thought it would transition into this-whatever the hell this was.

loki was cunning and devious; it was part of his nature that would never cease to exist within him. he enjoyed causing some trouble here and there if it meant he kept a molecule of sanity. so when thor suggested he stay with him at the avengers tower, he thought he might explode. living in a humongous multi billionaire house with the people who wanted him dead? it was a set up. it had to be.

for loki, the first few weeks had been tolerable. he’d wake up in his assigned bedroom, fix himself a mediocre breakfast once the kitchen was empty, and then scurry up to a quiet place. he discovered that he could do as he pleased whenever the compound was free of residents, and since the avengers had much bigger threats now, he didn’t have to worry about them spying on him. it was false freedom, but he could live with it.

when he’d have such luxury, he would sometimes walk down to the common room to settle with a good book. sure, it may appear to be a boring pastime, but it wasn’t as if loki was going to throw an exuberant ball without tony’s permission. not that he was a man- dare he say god-of seeking approval, but it was common courtesy, for odin’s sake! he had morals he needed to follow, thus requiring him to partake in hobbies that would not get him in trouble.

however, when he came across a particular mortal one night, the values he sought after vanished. it’s as if they never existed at all, and once again the laws of time and space defied him. you were there, taking up his entire field of vision in just an oversized t-shirt. could it be your partner’s? loki questioned. it most likely was, yet he found himself hoping it wasn’t. in that moment, it didn’t help that his mind had stopped functioning. when you stepped into the kitchen, the shirt hiking up slightly with every step, his body didn’t allow him to look away. his novel was discarded far away on the couch, and his hands searched for some type of cloth to grip. it was here, with your body bent over and curiously searching through the refrigerator, that his carnal instincts heightened. then, his knuckles turned white when you finally noticed him.

“oh fuck, hi,” you gasped. the glass bottle you were holding dropped, but it knew better than to actually hit the floor. seconds after catching it, you turned to look at the stranger in front of you. “didn’t see ya there.”

loki tried-really tried-to think of a good reason not to bend you over again, on that lovely kitchen counter your fingertips were dancing on, and take you right then and there. perhaps it might seem a tad bit rude? would such an action be impolite? the right answer was yes: it was absolutely all of the above. a first date is necessary to win the heart of a lady, and then a couple more to build a friendship. the relationship would come naturally, with given time, of course. in his head, the god was scoffing at how eager he was to win this clumsy, beautiful creature. he was one who took what he wanted-whenever he wanted-and didn’t look back. but loki was confined to the dull walls of the compound, and apparently so were you. he needn’t worry, for time had joined his side once more; he’d get to know how sweet you could taste, how your mouth would mindlessly shudder out his name, and the man couldn’t be more thrilled.

“are you able to speak?”

the simple question reached him, and when he searched for the source, he came face to face with you. you were standing in front of him, in all your delicious glory, and it almost broke him. still, he was deceitful; you couldn’t know that. “of course i speak, you fool,” loki shot back.

“okay, well, you didn’t answer me back there,” you pointed out. your hands were neatly clasped behind you, excitedly rocking back and forth on the heels of your feet, when you extended a hand for introduction. your name confidently slipped out, giving loki the most tender smile anyone could offer him. “pleased to meet you, sir.”

sir. the name stirred something up inside him, and he wasn’t able to tell if he’d accidentally let out a moan upon hearing it. did you know how innocent you sounded? how ravishing you appeared right now-with the soft skin of your thighs drawing out the patterns he so wished to kiss, or how the outline of your bosom prominently showed itself through your clothes. he stopped himself, though, before he could cross the line between observant and creepy. the last thing he wanted was to make you feel uncomfortable, having had the same dreadful feeling for far too long during his lifetime.

“don’t call me that.” the hand you were holding out was covered by his own. the handshake was quick, not too harsh or loose, but just adequate. he said his name, and he found himself missing the feeling of your skin against his.

“why?”

“because it’s not for you to say.” a lie. a very well calculated one, at that. he may be properly forged in the art of deception, but right now he wasn’t quite sure he passed the test. if he could grant permission to any woman to use the term of endearment, it’d sure as hell be you.

“alright then,” you mildly laughed. “i’ll just have to find a name i can call you.”

after that, loki realized that his source of happiness ultimately came from you. he enjoyed the unlikely bond you both had, one that formed because of the god’s inability to keep it in his pants. it was awkward at first-with everything you did or said locked in his mind wherever he’d go-but the confidence he always carried with him returned at one point.

today, loki never forgot to let you know what you did to him. this was it. the game he sought after since his inherent arrival at the tower. this was the adrenaline, the crazed connection he’d been hunting for centuries. it ignited something-between the two of you-whenever loki’s mouth would hover over your earlobe, whispering just how agonizingly slow he could take you. he never mentioned how he’d go about doing it, leaving you to wonder which part of him would fulfill the deed. oftentimes, loki didn’t even have to say anything. if he was feeling particularly shy that evening, and the team was all there, all loki would do was pat his knee. if you want to, if you really need to, you can finish on my leg. the simple image of it would have your hand between your legs that night.

“loki, what the hell.” you found him inside your dorm one particularly rainy night, lighting the candles you kept on either of your nightstands. “i keep my door locked for a reason, y’know. and stop wasting my candles.”

“i can’t help myself, darling. they smell quite lovely,” loki smiled. it was sincere, adoring even, and the way he took comfort in your tiny space brought a light tug to your stomach. you stayed still as you watched his tall form stride over to you. a small breath caught in your throat when loki peered down at you, and he caught it. he knew what he did to you, and he gained a new sense of pride at just how quickly he could make your knees go weak. his thumb and index fingers suddenly-gently-lifted your chin higher so your eyes could lock together. his own searched for something as if to look for the answer to his next question.

“you’re aware this isn’t just strictly physical, right?”

quite frankly, you were not in the loop even a little bit. “what?”

the tiny whisper made him want to carve out your lips with his own, slow, and taunting, and hard. he refrained for the time being. “think hard on it. there’s no rush.”

“no, i get what you meant. it’s just” you shook your head, prompting loki to let go of his grip. “i dunno. i thought you didn’t catch feelings, let alone for me.” loki let out a hearty laugh which forced a goofy grin onto your face. you liked seeing him like this. happy.

“i’m not stone cold, darling. you’re the only one i’ve ever had an infatuation with, though. well done, you seem to have captured my heart,” he joked. you giggled with him as you lightly shoved his chest, but loki caught your wrist before you could take it back. the kiss he brought to the inside of it had you swooning. a childish, girly feeling, yet you couldn’t care less. the both of you stayed there for a while and casually chatted until it was time for loki to head out. that night, you hardly got any sleep.

-------

ever since then, loki acted as if he didn’t remember it. he went back to his cocky self, not that you minded, but some simple recognition would’ve been nice. the days lapsed as they did before: loki doing everything in his divine power to make you ache for him. it worked, no matter how hard you avoided it, but soon you stopped trying. your body demanded for loki to touch you. to give you more than a simple brush of his lips to your wrist, yet he gave you anything but. and so you set out to change that.

it was the late hours of the night, with your team comfortably dispersed amongst the common room. movie night was in full effect, and no one had the intention of looking away from the gory film that was currently playing. you were seated next to wanda, the man you wanted painfully too far away from your reach. he didn’t have any clue you were angry with him, nor were you going to tell him. he was a thoughtful man, he’d figure it out.

you blinked away only to be met with his gaze. it was sharp, hungry. he looked you over as his tongue dipped out to run along his lip, biting it once he finally saw what he wanted. you’d be lying if you said it didn’t arouse you. of course it did; the poor man would rail you straight into this couch right now if he got the chance to.

you looked away, fearing vulnerability, and somehow managed to make it to the end of the marathon. you all said your farewell’s and deparated to your designated corridors, and just when you were about to close your door, a hand stopped it.

he pushed himself inside without much resistance from your own part. you stepped back and allowed him to close it, suddenly feeling a bit small. he looked at you then, the hunger replaced by confusion.

“is everything alright?” he inquired. no it’s not. you won’t shove two fingers into my mouth and tell me how good i’ve been.

“is everything alright-” you scoffed, “no it’s fucking not, loki.” you ran your hands through your hair and looked down, finding the decorative tiles on your floor quite intriguing.

“hey, woah, look at me. tell me what’s wrong, sweet.”

“that. that’s what’s wrong, loki. it’s the way you can tease me whenever you want, and call me sweet names and expect me not to react. you give me nothing to work with, for fuck’s sake!” a couple tears ran down your cheeks unbeknownst to you, but loki was quick to hold your face in his hands. his thumb wiped the drops in quick, tender-like motions and he crumbled at the way you focused on him.

“i’m sorry, darling. my intentions were never meant to bring you harm, much less sorrow. how can i fix this?”

“i need you to, fuck i-” you took a couple of breaths. “i need-want-you to touch me. to make me feel good, in all the ways you know how.”

loki chuckled quietly, a proud, defiant smirk curving along his lips. “is that what this is about? why, you could’ve just asked. no need for a tantrum.”

rolling your eyes, you tried to look away from him, but his hands began traveling to the curve of your neck, a lonely thumb parting your lips. he pried your mouth open and slipped it inside, letting the noise hidden in the back of his throat escape when your tongue wrapped around him. “is this what you wanted?”

your own luscious moan filled the room, and you felt his thumb push harder against your tongue.

“use your words, angel.”

an enticing gasp. “yes, sir.”

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and Go to London chapter 15

Synopsis: This is the story of (y/n), a successful actress, musician, musical producer and songwriter. After battling depression and breaking up a long relationship, she seeks for a change of air, escaping LA for a while going to visit some friends in London and there she meets Henry. -Disclaimer: some chapters are mostly smut.

Previous Chapters:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Triggers:   talking about body image issues, low self-steem; bullying; mention of sex; talking about kids.

Tag list: Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank  you    so much for that) and people who asked me to tag them too  ☺️   (I    think I will write a few chapters of this story, if you want me to  tag    you, tell me ☺️   ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo   constip8merm8    penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen  littlefreya  wondersofdreaming   alyxkbrl solariumss  sweetybuzz25 @thethirstyarchive @agniavateira   @honeyloverogers @hell1129-blog   @lunedelorient​  @michelle-1185​  

Disclaimer: First, there’s a song that reader writes for Henry; of course I’m not a songwriter - as much as I’d loved to- so the song is actually a song from Hannah Montana (yes, laugh but the song it’s perfect for him ♥). Second and lastly, you may not feel as reader relatable in some things, especially in this chapter, but I hope that you still can enjoy it.

Since you started to date Henry, those days of hating your body and yourself were starting to be part of the past. There was no doubt that he desired you and you were perfect on his eyes and made you feel perfect. You could be without any makeup and a simple ponytail or a bun and wearing pyjamas and he'd still made you feel like the most gorgeous woman on earth. You still enjoyed to get dress and wear makeup because it made you feel even better. Most days you felt amazing and the self-bullying started to fade out. But, you still have those days in which you didn't felt confident and beautiful. This was one of those days. You got up and try to put a pair of jeans and ended tossed them out and choosing a pair of leggings instead because the jeans didn't fit you so well anymore. Since the quarantine began, you felt a bit more anxious than usual, so you started to eat a bit more, and the fact that your amazing boyfriend loved to bake bread, cookies and other delicious pastries and meals didn't help you at all. You could go to exercise and your only cardio was the long love-making sessions with Henry every night, that made you burn calories, but no as much as you were consuming. You went to see Henry and seeing him made you feel worse. Contrary to you, he was losing weight but gaining muscle. He trained during the day with some gym stuff and sex made him burn more calories than you. You hated your slow metabolism. He was looking hot as hell and you felt the complete opposite. - Good morning, baby. I made you breakfast.- he greeted you as soon as he saw you. "Great," you thought sarcastically when you saw the waffles waiting for you. - Is there anything wrong? - he asked you detecting that you didn't really mean that. - I'm not hungry, that's all.- you replied, offering a smile. - You have to eat. Sit- he indicated you. - I don't want to - you said, pouting. - What's going on? - he questioned, worried. - I've gained weight. I cannot wear my jeans because they feel really tight and uncomfortable. - Sorry to hear that, but don't you worry. I'm pretty sure when this is all over you will lose that weight or just get new jeans. You look amazing, there's nothing to worry about. I assure you. - That's because you're a man and you're super hot. With me is different. If I get just a few pounds, I'll be all over the internet with people saying that I'm fat. That's what they do to us in Hollywood. - Don't pay attention to what people say about you. Somebody will always look for something to hurt you, just don't let them get to you. You are perfect now and will be perfect always, no matter how you look. - he said as he grabbed your face and gave you a kiss.- And by the way, men also suffer those things. - he said and he sat on a chair and made you sit on his lap.- I was bullied as a kid for being overweight. It affected me a lot and till this day does, maybe not every day, but it definitely makes me feel bad sometimes. Some days, I don't understand why you or anyone would think I'm "sexy" or why you'd like to be with me in the first place. Other days, very often, I feel this pressure of maintaining my muscles and being fit, because I feel like you'd not like to be with me if I don't look ripped and also, I'd trouble with the roles. - he explained looking at the floor as he talked. You grabbed his chin and kissed him. - Sorry baby, I didn't know that. I assure you that no matter your looks, I'll always want you. - your arms were around his neck, resting on his left shoulder. You put your head next to his. After a bit, you ate breakfast and asked him to follow you to the living room. He waited for you there as you went into another room in the house and soon appear with your acoustic guitar. You sat on the couch and he pulled a chair to sit in front of you as you prepared to play something. - When I was in LA, I wrote you a song. I tried to speak a little bit your language, cowboy. -you said winking at him and made him laugh. - Really? - he asked excitedly. - Yes. I hope you like it. - you said and started to play the song for him.

Smooth talkin', so rockin' He's got everything that a girl's wantin' He's a cutie, he plays it groovy And I can't keep myself from doin' somethin' stupid Think I'm really fallin' for his smile Yeah, butterflies when he says my name Hey! He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special And when he's lookin' at me I wanna get all sentimental He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special I can hardly breathe somethin's tellin' me Tellin' me maybe he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one He's lightnin', sparks are flyin' Everywhere I go he's always on my mind and I'm goin' crazy about him lately And I can't help myself from how my heart is racin' Think I'm really diggin' on his vibe He really blows me away, hey! He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special And when he's lookin' at me I wanna get all sentimental He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special I can hardly breathe somethin's tellin' me Tellin' me maybe he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one And he's got a way of makin' me feel Like everything I do is perfectly fine The stars are aligned when I'm with him And I'm so into it! He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special And when he's lookin' at me I wanna get all sentimental He's got somethin' special He's got somethin' special I can hardly breathe somethin's tellin' me Tellin' me maybe he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one, he could be the one He could be the one

Henry couldn't stop smiling. He was so happy and you were over the moon knowing that it was you who made him feel that way. Seeing him so happy was the best feeling in the world. - I don't know what I like the most: the song or your voice? Mmm, let's called it a tie. - I'm glad you like it. - I loved it. - he assured you - So tell me, do you really think I could be "the one"? - he questioned, raising one eyebrow and putting and puppy face. - I think you are the one. - you replied. - I feel the same way about you.- he kissed you. Then, he sat on the couch and you used his thighs to sit on. You kissed for a little bit and then just caressed each other and talked for a bit about things like video games, the music you were working on while quarantining and his hobbies of painting little action figures of his favourite online game. After a bit of silence, you got lost on your train of thoughts. He also believed you were the one for him. Something inside of you told you it was time to confess to him that you've been postponing since you two became a thing. You sighed and decided to let it out. - Babe, there's something we need to talk about.- you said sweetly but let him know that was a serious topic. - Sure, is there something wrong? he asked worriedly. - You want to be a dad, right? - you put it as a question, but it was more a statement rather than a question. - Yes, I'd like to have kids, why do you ask? - I knew it since the beginning. With you is obvious that you want that and that someday you'll be an amazing dad. - you said and then paused for a minute while he looked at you confused - I've never wanted to be a mother. Kids were never part of my future and I don't let me get started in the idea of being pregnant, it scares the shit out of me. - you finally admitted. - I wanted to tell you about the beginning but then I really liked you and wanted to be with you. I didn't know that we actually would become a couple later on the road. And I like you so bad that I was afraid you would leave me, so I couldn't find the courage to tell you. - Henry remained silent. He didn't seem mad at you for not talk to him about it earlier; he was just trying the process the information and also he looked sad. You grabbed his chin and made him look at you.- It's crazy how in one month and a half you change my world completely. I like you so much. I know that we have a long road to ride, if we remain together, so we'll still have to get to know each other better to be 100% sure that the other is "the one" for us. I knew that, but I also knew that the kids thing was something important, so I've been thinking about it, a lot. I've questioned myself is motherhood is something I could do someday. Since I started to think about it, there's a picture -well, is more a scene than a picture- that keep popping in my head: A big garden on autumn, with the leafs falling from the trees and there's you, playing superheroes with a little kid, our kid. Kal is with you two. And me, inside the house, sipping hot tea while I watch you from the window with a smile in my face. Every time that scene appears on my head, I smile; I feel truly happy. But when I think about I'm still sitting on the fence. I think it could be something I would like to do with you, but I have to be completely sure. It isn't just about me or you, there's another life involved in this decision. So the reason I'm telling you all this is because I wanted to ask you to give me some time. I wanna go through all of this in therapy to know for sure I'll make what's best for everyone. If someday I realized I cannot do it, I'll step aside and let you go and find the person who can give you that. I'd never take that away from you. I hope that is me if we still are together, but if not, I'll let you go. But to know all of this, I need time. Do you think you could give that to me? I understand if you want to end this here because you want to be now with someone who's sure about wanting children, though. - you finished. There was a moment of silence. Henry was looking again at the floor, thinking. After a minute, he finally spoke. - That scene. I want it. With you. - he replied and looked into your eyes.- If you tell me that there's even a small possibility that someday that could be a reality, I assure you that I'll give you all the time you need. -he said and stroke your cheeks. You smiled at him and shared a sweet kiss.

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Peace Talks, Pt. 1 (3/5/2021)

Alastor #1 (@usedhearts) contacts Alastor #2 (hi there) to ask #2 about why he intervened in #1’s fight with Sir Pentious (who #2 happens to be dating secretly). They meet up to discuss the fight, why that Alastor & Pent hate each other, and potentially how to reduce hostilities between them so these fights don’t keep happening.

(Part 2 where my Alastor goes and gets Sir Pentious’s side is here.)

usedhearts

🩸Alastor, I think we need to have a chat.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 What luck, I've been telling myself the same thing for a couple of weeks! Let's do lunch. I know a very discreet little café that loves to leave me alone and would be twice as happy to do so with two of us there.

usedhearts

🩸Send me the address, I'll meet you there.

dontasktheradiodemon

[Sends an address, as well as a picture of a map with the location circled in sharpie.]

usedhearts

🩸See you soon.

dontasktheradiodemon

🎶 I'll be waiting!

–––

dontasktheradiodemon

The café was an ugly place, in Alastor's opinion—concrete floors and walls, black-painted wooden booths, naked bulbs hanging from simple pipes—but attempting to look like abandoned warehouses was the fashion of cutting-edge restaurants these days, wasn't it? And anyway the coffee was decent and the employees didn't run out the back door when Alastor showed up, so it would do. He got a cup of coffee and some ridiculous fancy toast, claimed a booth, and waited.

usedhearts

He didn't have to wait long-- but a few minutes later and Leclerq was  walking in as well, receiving more than a few double takes. He'd swapped his glasses back for his monocle, and his coat was on-- the only thing differentiating him from his alternate his slight longer, wavy hair. Leclerq's smile turned a bit mischievous as the staff looked between him and Alastor, trying to be sure they weren't seeing double. He made his way over to the table and sat, ordering a cup of the strongest they had, black, from a passing staff person.

"So, my dear self, how's things?" He asked, looking at his gloves nails, feigning nonchalance.

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor smiled innocently at the staff's baffled glances. What, never seen two radios at once?

He beamed a little more brightly at his alternate—although there was wariness underneath it. He knew full well what this was about; what he didn't know yet was how, exactly, his alternate had taken it, or how bad the consequences were going to be.

"All going well! I can't complain." Walking on cloud nine and head a little foggy, in fact, but he was sure his alternate didn't want to know the details and even more sure he didn't want to share them. "And how about you—doing well, I hope?" With a mischievous glint in his eye, he added, "Recovered from those snake bites, I hope?" No point beating around the bush for *too* long.

usedhearts

The beaming grin was normal for Alastors in general, but considering the reason they were there, seeing his alternate looking at _him_ like that was a bit...strange. Leclerq  crossed his legs, and took a sip of the coffee set in front of him as soon as it arrived.

"Yes, recovered. Only took me a day to get back into working order. I suppose Pentell is doing fine now, considering he posted about his successful shed." He took a breath, smile firm as he folded his hands in his lap.

"Why did you interfere? You could've let someone else stop us. Charlie could've taken care of it herself, even, if she hadn't been panicking. Why not talk her down and get her to do it, instead of showing up yourself? And so _quickly_, too. We'd hardly even maimed each other by the time you showed up." Leclerq's eyes narrowed a fraction. "I simply must know why go through all that trouble? Explain it to me."

dontasktheradiodemon

“Glad to hear it!” He didn’t respond directly to the comment about the shed, only offering a vague shrug as if he wouldn’t know. He didn’t even flinch at the revelation that his alternate knew Sir Pentious’s real name... although he was certainly going to ask Telly about it later.

And his alternate had given him room to wiggle around with his answer. How very polite. They’d dance around it a bit. “*If she hadn’t been panicking.*” He scoffed. “That’s quite a big ‘if,’ isn’t it! Sure, I could have wasted three minutes of my time talking her down, and then twiddled my thumbs while waiting to see what she’d do—waste even more time trying to talk down the both of you? Join the fight herself and cause even more property damage? Or, I could resolve the whole thing with no further trouble in a mere fifteen seconds.”

usedhearts

Leclerq leaned in, propping his elbow on the table, chin in his hand. His head tilted at an odd angle and he picked up his coffee and took a drink.

"Yes, that's probably how it would've gone. But why stop it in the first place? Not like either of us can actually kill the other. Surely you weren't worried about _me_. If it had been me, I would've shown up with popcorn and a lawn chair. Fights between demons are free entertainment after all."

He sat back, arms crossing over his chest. "So, I'll ask again. _Why_ did you interfere?"

dontasktheradiodemon

“I have a question for *you* first.” He sat forward, lacing his hands under his chin, fixing his alternate with a keen, genuinely curious look. “It’s relevant, I assure you—but why fight him at all? It can’t be because he’s a challenging opponent—without his tin cans, there’s nothing stopping you from tying him in knots. And I don’t know about *your* policies, but *I* don’t tend to attack the physically weak unless I’m starving and don’t think a total stranger will miss a few pounds of meat—*or,* they’ve done something so outrageously offensive as to earn it. Now, he’s clearly no stranger, so the first explanation doesn’t apply—but for the life of me I can’t imagine *what* he could have done to warrant that kind of response? Or what *you* did to make *him* attack first, if that’s how it happened—but that seems even less likely to me, I can’t see him picking a fight without a dozen lasers at the ready.”

usedhearts

"He _does_ start it sometimes," Leclerq said, immediately. His smile twitched and his eyes narrowed again, before he gave a small huff and looked away.

"I suppose I knew it would come to this eventually, what with the both of us making friends in the same circles." He moved his monocle, taking it off to clean the lens, or so it seemed. "We used to be friends. When I first dropped in, he was an Overlord, and my massacre helped him gain some more ground, inadvertently. I started getting invited to all the big Overlord parties, and I went because I was still new to Hell and all. We met and hit it off, became friends and whatnot. About a decade later, we hardly spoke, and then V[BEEP]x dropped in and started his rise to power. Pentell was already washed up by that point, desperate, so he..."

Leclerq sighed and shook his head, putting his monocle back on, his smile turning wane. "He helped V[BEEP]x secretly convert some of the old radio stations to broadcast tv instead-- I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, it felt like someone was tearing out pieces of my soul and roasting them with ten thousand volts. I don't know why or what V[BEEP]x promised him, but obviously he never got it, considering his standing hasn't changed since then."

Leclerq shrugged, feigning nonchalance again. "That's why I hate him."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor’s eyebrows shot up. “And a fair reason to hate him!” He himself didn’t hold any radio stations—had *never* held any—but just *imagining* stations slaughtered like sacrificial animals on the altar of network television made his heart squeeze in pain.

That long ago, stations had often broadcasted both radio and TV simultaneously. Hell, well into the seventies Alastor had considered a smattering of TV stations under his own protection because they shared a roof with a radio station. For the stations to be converted to broadcast TV in a way that *killed* their potential to broadcast radio—that wasn’t just the new guy in Hell wanting to increase his own power; that was a deliberate effort to decrease the Radio Demon’s. That was far worse than simply trying to get in good with two different overlords and accidentally screwing over one in the process.

“You said you hardly spoke—had you had some falling out...? Not that it’s any sort of mitigating factor, not for an action on *that* scale, but—well, nothing of the sort ever happened *here,* so I’m simply trying to understand the narrative! The treachery is self-evident, but depending on if it was motivated by hot vengeance or cold ambition... well, it certainly changes the *flavor* of the treachery, doesn’t it?”

usedhearts

He hadn't expected sympathy, or understanding, but then again, this was himself. If anyone would understand his pain, it was another version of himself. Leclerq felt himself relax, at least fractionally, and he picked up his cup for another sip of coffee.

"Yes, there was. Around, oh, '45 or so, Pentell was gearing up for a big push to conquer more territory-- he had a whole plan and everything, you know how he is, prepared every meticulous detail. _I_ was one of those details, of course. He was counting on my support when he set things into motion and I....well, I didn't show." He shrugged a bit, taking another sip.

"I'd gotten bored of waiting, I was still relatively new to Hell, and a decade still seemed like a long time-- especially for one such as us, you know how it is, don't you?-- and so I'd picked up some other hobbies, started doing other things. And I just didn't want to help anymore. I was _bored_, I never wanted to conquer Hell! But Pentell had been banking on my power backing him, and when I didn't arrive, well...."

His smile twisted a bit before he sighed. "It all sort of blew up in his face. He lost almost all of his territory and his Overlord title was stripped-- he became a laughing stock overnight. So, I suppose I betrayed him first, but this IS Hell. Who can you trust in Hell, except yourself?" His smile twitched into something wry for a moment as he met his alternate's eyes, then looked away.

dontasktheradiodemon

And his eyebrows twitched higher. He’d gotten *bored*? Bored of Sir Pentious, of all people? How in the world was that possible? How does one get *bored* of having a front-row seat to the greatest drama in Hell since whatever the hell happened in *Paradise Lost*?

Would he himself have left as quickly and carelessly if he’d gotten bored? Even if he couldn’t understand how *that person* in *particular* had bored his alternate—yes, if he *did* get bored of someone, he’d leave like that. Would he himself have stayed long enough to get as enthralled as he did if he’d met Sir Pentious in, what, the ‘30s, rather than in ‘51? He didn’t know. He didn’t think he’d have lost interest, but he didn’t know. Learning to exist in Hell had been a process. Maybe those eighteen years had made a difference.

“Well! If I were him, I’d want to hit you where it hurts too!” He laughed wryly. “And if I were *you*, I’d never forgive him for it, either.”

usedhearts

Leclerq took drained his coffee the rest of the way, holding his cup out for a refill-- which a staff member came over to give him as quickly as demonly possible. He set the new cup on the table, holding it between his hands.

"Yes, so, as you can see neither of us can forgive the other, and now we're expecting to exist near one another more regularly and tempers flare at the slightest provocation, etcetera, etcertera." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, his smile tight and close lipped.

"I know that many of you are now mutual friends with the both of us, and I've been trying to be on my best behavior when at the Hotel, as we've a truce there, but the old resentments bubble up and we go at it. Generally, it's me blowing up his ship but since we've been seeing one another in person, it's just gotten to basic brawls." A small growl slipped out and he clenched his hand, cracking the cup and spilling hot coffee all over, though he didn't seem to care.

"I should have better control, but with him I just-- I see red--" A snort. "Or more red than usual at least-- and then we're tumbling around like feral animals."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor watched without a twitch of his expression as his alternate’s cup cracked. Yes, he certainly could comprehend the anger.

But when he tried to imagine the anger behind that shattering grip turned on Telly—his blood boiled.

“Yes, well. That’s a problem, isn’t it?”

usedhearts

Leclerq grabbed some napkins, wiping off his gloved hand and sitting back, watching the coffee spread across the table. He put some more napkins between him and the coffee puddle-- no use letting it get on him-- and sighed.

"That's the problem, yes." He looked over at him and arched a brow. "And you still haven't answered my question-- why did you intervene?"

dontasktheradiodemon

His smile tightened. “Well, like you said—quite a few people are mutual friends with the both of you now! And while it’s an utter delight to watch *strangers* fight, there’s nothing pleasant about it when it involves friends! Particularly if one friend is at risk of being reduced to bone toothpicks and flesh confetti. And that’s even *more* the case when, from my perspective, the fight simply came out of nowhere! Who knows what will happen in a fight like that?” He shrugged broadly. “Now, typically if a friend’s in a fight, I’m happy to lend a hand—but it’s tricky if I’m on good terms with both combatants. The best thing I can do then is ensure they’re separated.”

usedhearts

Leclerq hummed, the noise droning in his static, his arms crossing again. His finger began to tap against his upper arm, and his foot tapped again-- fidgeting tics that were showing themselves in his alternate's presence.

"I suppose you're right. Fine, I accept that explanation." His cocked his head to the side, his eyes narrowing a fraction. "But I don't know how Pentell and I are going to co-exist when we're at each others' throats. The Hotel's been a test run and we've had at least three fights since he started making repairs and renovations there. Any bright ideas in that big bulb of yours?"

dontasktheradiodemon

*Three fights.* He tilted his head as he thought. “No, not yet.” Maybe he could persuade Telly to stop helping with the hotel upkeep. There were so many more important things he could be spending that time and effort on, anyway. Sure, Alastor was at the hotel, but only because he *wanted* to watch a train wreck happen in action—but there was no reason for Sir Pentious to waste his time tightening the bolts on the locomotive engine when it was chugging toward a fiery crash. “But I’m sure we both agree that this can’t keep happening, don’t we?”

usedhearts

"Yes, I agree. Especially if people are going to get in the middle now-- I can't even think if it was Valera next time, while she's, well..." He motioned with his hands to pantomime a pregnant belly. "I don't want her trying to get between us while we go at it-- we're both vicious in the moment."

His foot tapped a little faster and he huffed. "Perhaps I can just avoid him for now...and I'll try to doubly make sure I have a tight leash on myself if he is around. And perhaps you could talk to him, you two are chummy now, aren't you? We just need to learn to....keep our heads better."

dontasktheradiodemon

Oh right, this alternate had been getting chummy with Valera, hadn’t he? About every alternate but himself was. Just his rotten luck, wasn’t it.

“If you haven’t *already* been trying to avoid him, yes, I recommend it.” He scooted his unfinished coffee over to his alternate. Here, you look anxious, have a little more caffeine and calm down. “No promises, I haven’t the foggiest idea what he’s going to say about *you*—but I’ll see what I can do.”

usedhearts

He took the cup gratefully and downed it, taking a breath after. "Probably something along the lines of--" His own voice cut out and then, in a perfect imitation of Sir Pentious's voice, he said. "HE DESSSERVED IT!"

Leclerq snorted and his own voice was back when he spoke again. "I may have cast the first stone, but teaming up with V[beep]x is just.....scummy."

dontasktheradiodemon

Alastor huffed. “Not to defend the unforgivable—but ol’ blockhead had only just died, hadn’t he? In my neck of the woods, it took until the seventies before he started showing his true colors. Taking down stations, sure, Sir Pentious should have known better—but doing it with *him*? There was no way to know what kinds of things he’d do *before* he started doing them.”

And who knew what promises Vox might have made? No doubt the sort of promises he made to every business and network he added to his growing mega-corporation. Fame, wealth, power, a treasured and valued position in his inner circle.

Alastor thought he was beginning to detect a pattern, here. Pentell, lonely and unappreciated; and then one man after another, charismatic and compelling, telling Pentell how much they adored his brilliant inventions; each of them using him—for sex, for entertainment, for power—before losing interest and casting him aside.

It was only when he heard something crack that he realized he’d started squeezing one of his fists in the other like a stress ball. He stretched his fingers and surreptitiously repaired the damage. But in his head, over and over, all he could hear were the words *how dare—how dare—how dare—*

usedhearts

"Yes, he had, and he's a cunning rat even moreso than that boyfriend of his." Leclerq sneered at the thought of the VVVs, and held the empty coffee cup, just to have something to hold on to. "Though he started being really ruthless once he found Valentino-- that was in the 80s here, I'm not sure when it happened for you. They really bring out the worst in each other, and not in the fun way."

His eyebrows shot up at the sound of the crack, looking down at his alternate's hands. "You alright there?" He asked, a little quieter than before.

dontasktheradiodemon

“About the same time, late seventies or early eighties. I wasn’t paying attention to celebrity gossip at the time. All I know is they’d made it into the toxic end of things by the mid-eighties.”

He held up a hand and wiggled his fingers, all fine. “So sorry, I know, knuckle-cracking, nasty habit to get into. Mother would be scolding me.”

usedhearts

"I only know because I was friends with Madame by that point and Valentino started out as one of her's." He tapped his fingers against the cup, still fidgety despite the caffeine.

"Well, since we hashed that out, is that it? Or did you want to brainstorm ways to get me and Pentell able to coexist in the same space without biting each other's heads off?"

dontasktheradiodemon

And Alastor only knew because he’d witnessed the results of their toxic sides up close and in person. He decided to keep that to himself. As much as he hated Vox, that wasn’t his dirt to dish.

“I’m not sure what there is to brainstorm,” Alastor said wryly. “If you’re in the same space, don’t be; if you have to be, don’t interact. If you haven’t been doing even *that* much before, I’d say that’s a good starting point, don’t you?”

usedhearts

"We have, since we made the truce, at least when inside the Hotel. But the second one of us steps outside, it's on." He leaned back in his seat a bit.

"We never made an official deal for our truce, but I gave my word, and I keep it, to the letter. We never fight inside the Hotel now-- we take it outside. Though the lawn isn't much better. I suppose I can try to keep the truce up outside the Hotel. If I think about it like that, perhaps it'll be easier to keep myself in check..."

dontasktheradiodemon

He fights a grimace. “Well. ‘Do what you’re already doing, except even more so, and hope sheer willpower makes up the difference’ doesn’t exactly sound to me like a winning strategy. Especially when what you’re already doing has resulted in three fights.”

usedhearts

"I'm not sure what other options we have, at least for now. Avoidance and sheer willpower will have to do for the time being." He closed his eyes and took a breath.

"Talk to Pentell, I'm sure he's got insight from his side of things for you. Perhaps there's...something that can be done, to at least make things less hostile between us. You can tell him I'd be open to negotiations-- for the sake of our mutual friends. But for now, I think I need to go-- I need to kill something."

He stood, dusting off his jacket. "Is there anything else, my dear other?"

dontasktheradiodemon

He stood as well. “Yes, one thing—who’s going to pick up the bill?” Studio laughter. “Hah! No, nothing I can think of. Just try not to start any more brawls. I don’t want to make a hobby out of refereeing.”

usedhearts

"That'd be terrible! You'd look horrendous in horizontal stripes!" His own studio kicked in with their laughs, and Leclerq reached a hand to pat his alternate's shoulder.

"Speak again, soon, my dear me! So long!" And with that he faded into the shadows.

dontasktheradiodemon

He offered his other a half-bow in farewell—and then headed for the exit the more conventional way. Seemed like he needed to go have another conversation.