#we're getting close tho i can feel it
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me, two days ago: alright, i think my little nancy pov fic is done! I've edited it, I've gotten the nsfw part betaed, and i even threw together a little sfw version of it! i am ready to post it!
me, with 4 drafts made across ao3 and tumblr, all filled out and ready to press post: y'know. maybe i should proofread. for capitalization and punctuation. definitely just that.
me now, as we speak: *several changes throughout the entire 3k of words, went around to all my drafts copy and pasting changes to every version to keep it consistent, and realizing i really like these changes and start going back to weak spots to see if i suddenly have the solutions now*
#ill post it eventually i swear#im mentally moving on back to my other wip so i will run out of changes to make soon#the goal is around 4 pm tomorrow? maybe closer to midday so i don't stress about having the time?#cause i have to link a lot of posts together once i post so you can find all the different versions easily#plus a pinned post that has those links#we're getting close tho i can feel it#nancy wheeler fic#nancy wheeler fanfic#stancy fic#fic wip#fic writing#devon's writing rambles
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okay so ive been into jeweler richard for a while now, i watched half of the anime when it came out and found it unremarkable (now it fills me with rage) but i didnt start actually thinking about it until the manga came out and i actually read it. I stand by my reccomendation of the manga and in still looking forward to reading it when more volumes come out (volume 6 got delayed till next year). I knew OF things in the LN and they intrigued me but i wasnt really into light novels cuz i read on my phone but i didnt know how to get books(for free) on there. Untill i started reading orv that is(thanks dokja). Its really not that important for the story but recently ive been ravenously reading the jeweler richard LN (im on volume 5 now in the past like weekish)
And uhhhhh wow its so good. Like acutally good i totally get what people say about seigi now he is absolutely unreliable about......everyone around him. This is my reccomendation if you watched the anime and liked it or read them manga pleaseee read the light novels. It is the ideal JR experience
#Idk why orv and JR are so linked#Im thinking about u @ririban we're in this together#Sorry if this is out of line#I was reading some jr fanfics earlier and i was like 'woag thats my tumblr mutual' so cool#Im feeling a lot of things that ppl say about orv with jr tho too#With the manga its hard to get into seigi's head cuz he has to be simple to understand#We dont see his stream of conciousness and goddam it sure is a stream#If you thought his admiration of richard was excessive in either visual medium you have no idea#Its like every paragraph#Also theres a good balance of factual information and drama#I also like how u can tell whats actually happening vs how seigi tells it to us#So far my best example is when he passes out in london and he wakes up to richard taking care of him#Hes completely bogged down with information (and fever) and still thinking he and richard and that close#From richard's perspective anyway#He describes richard as calm and collected and uncaring(nicely) but its so clear richard is worried about him#Its really well worded#Also i get to read with hindsight of knowing volume 13 exists its a true treat#jeweler richard#housekishou richard#jr
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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Thought about making a ghost town au jason design but kinda bluescreened when I realized he wouldn't be a doll tbh
#ghost town is a story if mine ^v^! its mostly just design fun#and yeah ghost doll isn't a fit for jason. well maybe it could depend on time when/how he died#but both of his proper deaths ive seen he wouldn't make a doll ghost. maybe a broken or cracked doll#he gets close. so i can see it happening for him depending#doll ghostss are people who often hide their own feelings and will try to make themselves better or more appealing for others#often at the harm and loss of themselves#theres also an element of being something to display to it#so like. all of my doll aus#thinking about his batarang death. DEFINITELY a ghost thatd have their injury clear#cant tell if i want him actually drenched in blood or like. stylized blood. like that pearl necklace#kinda want him in a suit of armor tbh. for funsies. im varying between that or just his normal self#well actually i fully believe a post utrh death jason would look like his child self. but shhh we're exploring other avenues right now#i cant WAIT to finish my jason todd design so i can start dressing him up hehe#unfortunately figuring out just like. normal designs. is harder for me than au outfits so its taking me a bit -~-#and/or doll ghosts can be from incredibly passive people bc that is like attached to my previous explanations. squares and rectangles tho#not related to jason
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update on date guy so i was supposed to go to his place sunday for lotr + wine but i fully cancelled on him 😭 i have no excuse it was my first day to myself after exams and i just wanted to be lazy like my social battery was OBLITERATED i had to put me first okay. and he was kinda mardy about it which is SO funny to me but anyway we rescheduled and im now seeing him in two hours and im being so brave about it
#im not as nervous today as i was like im kinda excited for it i think there's potential#and worst case scenario is i watch lotr in silence with free wine and free food like okay i can live with that#but omg i can feel the urge to Freak Out and i feel like im batting it away with a twig#ill be like 'i wonder how tonight will go :) *feels something creeping up behind me*'#like NO we're being POSITIVE we're trying NEW THINGS#bc that is really the crux of the issue like meeting him in a coffee shop was fine for me#so ironically i was less stressed for our FIRST date than i am the second which is so dumb#but just being at his house and the fact im actually dipping my toe into these things#is rlly scary for me personally just bc my experiences in this field are either surface level#or just absolute horror shows#like ik all my mates are kinda just like 'it's a date get over it' but it's NOT there's LAYERS there's IMPLICATIONS#im in a fistfight with three of my younger selves who are all simultaneously yelling 'NO!' give me a fucking MINUTE#but yeah i will tell you how it goes lotr is LONG too so im nervous of that but at least watching a film we dont have to make constant conv#*conversation#even tho tbh our first date we stayed until close at that coffee shop which meant we were talking for like 2.5 hours#which is almost lotr runtime#FUCK#this is going to be good this is going to be so good i am openminded and confident i CANNOT CANCEL AGAIN#hella goes to uni
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i'm NOT sure but i think it MIGHT have been possible that our in with the local newspaper was . potentially in some way . flirting with me? in a way where i was able to maybe halfway pick up on it and. reciprocate . idk we had a little chitchat about the weather and then it became about star trek and wars themed coffee mugs until my boss showed up. and like during the entire convo with my boss he was also sort of talking to me? like in the angle he was standing at and when the convo stopped being about work stuff and devolved into chitchat he kept like. sort of including me eye-contact-wise. that might not be flirtign maybe its just normal conversation. he made a point to say he was glad we hadn't put jk rowling on our march madness author bracket. which is sort of apropos of nothing unless he wanted to make a point of telegraphing his social/political leanings such that anyone listening would know that information about him if he was attempting to get their attention in a positive way. also dont know if THAT'S flirting but it seems like it's Something. socially. also he gave me a free newspaper which was funny
#anyway joe......i did always think you were cute#and we have similar interests in books and movies which i know just from his checkouts#and i JUST went on his account and found out he lives like two roads away from me. literally five minutes drive#had no idea we were neighbors now how do i bring this up with him without being weird#maybe when he updates his card. maybe next time he comes in i can orchestrate a situation where i TELL him .#i need to update his card. because then it would not be weird to mention his address. and then not weird to mention mine#then that segues into hey we're neighbors how about that#wanna go hike pymatuning sometime. or something. i dont fucking know how to come onto a guy ive never done that before#hes nice looking tho. hes short. ive only ever dated guys who were my height i dont like tall guys i feel like#ok i dont DISLIKE tall guys i just get weird when i stand too close to them. dont like to feel that much smaller than a person is all#last guy i dated did this 'hand on the small of your back' thing that i also hate so much. felt like being steered around#miserable#dont feel like thats joes style#but what do i know about him the only thing i know about him is what kind of books he reads and that he also liked nope more than us
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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My brain and eyes sitting here having me brimming with tears like: yes, we want to cry, crying would be helpful! A release of endorphins!
Me: Cool, let's cry then. I'm trying to make the tears actually...go, but y'all aren't letting them fall???
Brain (eyes are hostages essentially at this point imo): oh. Shit. you actually wanted that, huh? how about a stomachache instead even though you just forced yourself to eat enough calories to call it 'dinner'
Me: Can I at least cry while my gut hurts?
Brain: Oh! No. No, you can't :)
#text post#like it's whatever I have these days Im just so fed up at my brain still being so deep in survival mode that I can barely cry#we'll feel better if we fucking cry!! even a little!! let's get it over with but nooooo what if something happens where we need to be ready#to help or be responsible for others even tho that's almost definitely Not Going To Happen rn#and even if it did it would be FINE we'd be FINE it would be easy to help out and then come back to my own shit#but no no crying just getting really close to it and then my brain refusing to let it happen.#i literally just finished eating too and immediate cramping like bro can we fucking not for once with this#I know things have been A Lot but we're somewhere safe w/ppl close and nearby that care abt us!#seemingly without me needing to earn or justify their caring even!! which is sort of rare for me which is probably half the issue tbh#but like. WE'RE SAFE CHILL THE FUCK OUT AND LET ME CRY GODDAMN IT#gonna have to ask a future therapist to stab me on the left side so i can cry bc idk wtf else will trigger it at this point#aside from me stumbling upon something I don't except to trigger an emotional response right away so maybe??? I should look for that tonigh#looking for movie playlist that's just titled Emotionally Devastating Movies For Broken Boys lmao
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Okay but like I really need to rant about this a bit so like spoilers for ep 3 of tlou below but like
idk I’ve never played the game so I had no idea what to expect going into this, but when Frank showed up, I was like “I can’t tell if Bill is going to kill him or marry him.” WELL. Nick Offerman did such a GOOD job of looking on guard and uncomfortable. His shoulders are like up to his ears the entire meeting sequence and it made me so jumpy, and then we skip 3 years and he’s so visibly relaxed. And my heart started to melt. And I found myself so enamored with these two men who, against all odds, found love in a situation where that should have been impossible. Frank was the last alive from a group fleeing a collapsed quarantine zone, Bill a preper who had decided to be alone long before the pandemic even started. We expect Bill to die the whole time--comments about him getting old faster than Frank, getting shot by raiders. The jump to Frank being sick...they showed so much through his paintings. You weren’t expecting it, and they showed you through his art how his illness has been progressing, and how him being able to see that himself affected him. They showed how Bill broke down and made a deal with Joel to get medicine despite saying he never would. This show. THIS SHOW. I was sobbing up until Bill became weirdly calm during the dinner, because I realized he’d made the decision too. They died on their own terms in a world where that had become nearly impossible. They had a beautiful life together in a world where that had become a pipe dream. Two characters that we never even meet thru the main characters, not in the present day, but who matter so much.
#also i have a lot of feelings as a chronically ill artist about everything with Frank (not bad ones! just like i feel a lot 🥲)#it hit close to home#honestly bill resonated with me too but not bc of the preper conspiracy theorist part lol#more bc of the self-imposed solitude and not seeking out relationships#i know from other posts that this is nothing like how they were in the game but this seems like such an improvement tbh#like this episode deserves awards for how much it hit me in the feels#tlou hbo spoilers#the last of us spoilers#it's 5 am so like i am not coherent but i also cannot sleep#idk how we got my horror-hating mom hooked on this show and now we're making her sob over gay romance like#that right there tells you this show is good lol#i feel like i could write an entire book on how illness can impact art and handwriting#my handwriting became that of an entirely different person when i started to get sick#my drawings changed too#tho maybe not in a way anyone but me noticed#my friend who has a similar health issue just with more presentation had to give up art almost entirely#idk it's a kind of hard i can't explain and that i dont think you can understand unless you've experienced it yourself#seeing the progression of your symptoms in the things you create#seeing how you're unable to hide it even with care#idk man#it's honestly an emotion i dont think i could name#but i feel it so strongly every time i look at more than a few lines i've written by hand#or at a page of studies ive drawn#i feel like they never made frank a tragic character. they never made illness tragic#they just made it real#the tragic theme was the idea of one without the other and it went both ways#they hit on that repeatedly throughout the ep#and in the end they didn’t have to face that tragedy#idk i feel like it’s one of the few depictions of chronic illness/terminal illness ive seen that doesn’t play the illness as tragedy#and i found that…refreshing
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lallaaalalala just some things on my mind
#this has been a rant#<- in advance. im going off in the tags. xo#getting close to making a decision abt doctoral programs is STRESSING ME OUT even tho i think ik which i'll choose#one ik will be a good school environment and will be manageable but the other has much. better training and will prep me for#literally anything i could want to do with a whole ass doctorate afterwards when im licensed#next thing. i fucking hate that i have no clue what i look like objectively lmfao. losing weight is great and all (healthy) but#it's fucking with my idea of myself even more than it ever was bc. now it's a 'bad' thing that some things look big on me#(bc THEY FUCKING ARE lol) like today i ended up buying some clothes and yay great but like. my mom was like#yeah so you can wear these instead of what. ur wearing now bc that's gotten big on you etc#and im just ksjghdf it's just a little baggy and also i like it?? but ok whatevesjkdkfdhkh i like the. new ones too im juyst. ??#just in general there's always gonna be Something yknow? annoying. anyway#next thing is that im away w family rn and lovemy fam love spending time with them but it;'s been TWO DAYS and im already#losing......so much patience with some people like. my younger cousins. im. GRR.and i love having some other people around#but we're meeting up w the rest of our group tom and we'll basically be DOUBLE in size for the next week plus and im so#nervous that i'm already at my last nerve with everyone adn that i'll be too overwhelmed/tired/etc that i won't enjoy the rest of the trip#next thing is that it's WILD graduation is literally in six weeks but so mmuch has to happen before then it's making me dizzy#other side note thing im beyond excited to see taylor and have weird anxiety about it but meh. im fucking PUMPED#another thing. it's someones bday tomorrow who ive had a Rough year with (ive mentioned stuff abt them before) and it's just. weird feeling#i dont rem if they even texted me for my bday now im curious im gonna go look lmfao but. obv i'll text them anyway#it's just ... lots of weird feeling thinking abt how much has changed in a year with them. shrug#ok maybe that's it woo
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#this has truly been the most Monday coded monday i've ever experienced#first i wake up and learn 1) my bus isnt running so i have to change plans and wfh#2) the water main break ruining my commute also cut off water to my entire condo complex#then the water proceeds to be out for the entire day so i cannot go pee i cannot wash dishes nothing#so i go to my parents house (rly glad i still live close to them in this moment)#and have dinner wash my face brush my teeth etc there#get back to my apt and ofc the water's still off so my regular cat care gets screwy#(im sorry i will not clean the boxes if i cant wash my hands. it can wait a day.)#then ofc i cant sleep which ultimately is maybe a good thing bc THEN#my building's alarm starts going off at like ~10:30pm#first off it took me a solid 5-10 minutes to realize that it was a fire alarm (?) not someone's like security system or smth#it was weird it was like a constant blare instead of the usual rythmic screeching#anyway so i then find myself outside freezing my ass off for a good 30+ minutes while the fire dept comes and investigates the building nd#ig finds nothing wrong??#so fine w/e get back to my apt try to start re-winding down to sleep#not effectively ofc#then my god damn cat#who has a FIXATION on my vanity to the point that i have it barricaded#with various crap to try nd keep her from knocking things off and scratching the mirror#she at 11:30pm decides to LAUNCH at it knocking absolutely everything down#so i have to get up again to pick all the shit up#so now here i am :)) tired but cant sleep at almost midnight and the damn cat is still zooming#im gna be so miserable tmrw pray 4 me#oh and even tho the water's back we're now under a boil water notice or w/e so i fear im gna need to pick up a gallon or two of water tmrw#and like the notice says u can shower and wash and whatnot normally#but im v scared that if i wash my face - or hair or anything really - my skin is gonna freak tf out#it's been a day#feels like a bad omen i fear
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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.
#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world#but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that#man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection#but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever#and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw#bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call#home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway#so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms#whats even the point man#dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr#so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate#i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs#yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit#its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues#so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever#im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me#let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust#well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else#hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want#except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably#.vent#dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks
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Alright boys pack it up no more rain world posting new oni dlc is coming out in less than a week
#rat rambles#oni posting#rain posting#I jest I will probably still be posing some rain world stuff if I get around to designing more guys#but I can already feel the oni brain coming back and am half tempted to do one last comb through the files even tho I know itll be#pointless because the full dlc will be at my fingertips very soon#to be clear I 100% will be combing through the data of the full release too but thats a given#calvin my boy pls make it in pls don't get scrapped pls my boy#oh now that we're getting close Im gonna let myself talk abt this just this once but if you care abt potential spoilers stop reading#anyways so last I checked where the duplicant descriptions and stuff is stored there was an additional new duplicant named calvin#now I wasnt able to find anything else referencing him from my admittedly not super deep digging but he was there#I did thoroughly look through the spritesheets tho and hes definitely not there from what I could yell#or at least he wasnt when I checked idk maybe they put him in during one of the patches for some reason#but yeah I hope he makes it in despite all the specific advertising of them adding one new duplicant#its actually these descriptors that have been making me not wanna talk abt calvin dupe too openly as if he does make it in its probably#going to be a pretty big spoiler for a bit?#ofc if he is a secret of sorts then he wont be for long but if he is meant to be a surprise I don't wanna scream on the rooftop abt it#but I do wanna have proof that I found him before hand it he is a surprise I need to feel cool and special for looking at one file <3#yknow what I think I actually am going to pop open oni and tripple check that I'm not missing anything#I was playing rw a lot to cope with the dlc not being fully out but at this point Ive finished every campaign except saints#and saints is being a buggy bastard for me rn and keeps repeatedly softlocking me so Im giving up on it for now#like just this morning I did the entirety of the hunter campaign in like 2 hours I have so little left to do#if I do decide to replay a campaign tho it's probably going to be either gourmands or spearmasters since theyre my favorites to play as#idc what anyone says Ill always preffer the spearmasters story to rivulets I adore them both but ppl do not appreciate spearmaster enough#like every person Ive seen play it sees the ending as disappointing and I wont stand for it its high-key my favorite ending#now thats entirely because Im a moon enjoyer and a tragedy enjoyer but still I will always lose my mind over moon's final message
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My limbs were bandage city today y'all I kept gettin hurt 😭
First I accidentally burned my leg w a drill. I just finished using it and was checking the hole and accidentally brought it too close to my leg
Then I nicked my knuckle on some semi circle thing trynna get it off something else, forgot what it was called. But I bled a bunch and had to get a bandaid :P
After that I stabbed my finger with some wire on accident. It's like the cable thing that's made up of a bunch of tiny metal wire strung together I also forgot what that was called but I bled again!
Then I scratched my knee on the back of a hammer and, guess what? I bled again!
And when I got home the remains of a blister fell off and left me with just a hole in my heel so that kinda sucks :P
#Lmao just yapping about whay happened at work (can i call it thag if its just like a program? im still doing a bunch of work like construct#ion and shit so its work#but jt feels weird yo call it work when you're not getting paid)#buy like all this shit did happen like fr and now i know my way arousn the medicine cabinent like my own home!#me getting the most injured techie award aside#it was really fun like fr#we set these big ass frames up on the fly system and got them in the air but on the second pair the cabling is uneven so thats gotta get fix#but like im kinda nervous tbh cuz like we open this Thursday to the public#and we have our first full run throighs monday - wednesday#and Wednesday doenst even count techincally cuz we're doing a show for the other side of the program up north so its really just an actual#show but the director keeps caling it a dress rehersal#we arent even close to done witj she set we still need to hook up 2 more legs to the fly sustem#we need to get the cabiling done on the last leg and fix the other cuz its being a dick to us#finish painting the backdrop and getting the details done on the stairs and railings and ramps#and we need to get the logo for the center of the set finished and atttatched#AND we still need to learn our cues for lighting and props and the flys and shit#that part isnt much of what km doing tho cuz im a stagehand so i dont gotta worry about the lights and the flys but im still worried :[#like half the techies showed up today#on a day we arent supposed to ve tbere#to help finish the set and we arent even finished and qe were there all day ughghshh#we're planning on working durring our dinner break since its loke 2 hours long on monday so we can eat and get back to work and finish#i know working on your break is a stupid fucking idea and its my break time i need to rest#and i will be using half of my break to rest and eat and drink water and get some energy back but we still need to get this done#fuckkk when i get like a paid job and shit its gonna suck ass isnt it#its loke 11:30 i shoild go to bed and not be kn tjmblr LMAO#sorry for lime yapping in the tags and shit urhehhh
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its really difficult for me to open up about things, ESPECIALLY things that could be really harmful (parents, mental health) if unchecked, do u have any advice?
genuinely i am so sorry i dont have any solid advice for you :(
umm lightheardedly tho
whooaaa dude same eyyyyy
#marble asks#um#lil#thing in the tags#hmm how do i phrase this in a way that wont get me in trouble#uhhhhhhhhhh please proceed with caution#hopefully the tags cut off#right about here somewhere???#that means you dont have to look at this#yea um recently ive been in a really bad place mentally :( and im really not sure why#i think? ive been getting ok sleep and my friends are really nice about it but i dont really want to talk to them about it bc it feels too#personal? idk anyway#uhh my intrusive thoughts have been getting REALLY bad outta nowhere#like#relating to sh :(((#and i cant really talk to anyone bc theyll like tell my parents bc “im a danger to myself” or something#uhm anyways its like#stuff like that im kinda dealing with rn too#soo i guess i feel ya :(#maybe if you can.. try talking to someone you trust?#a therapist if you have one. or a close friend or adult idk#if you really wanted i guess you could send me asks#even tho we're just strangers on the internet#sometimes it helps just to talk to someone and know youre not alone#ok the tags cut off a couple of times and i dont want to make this too long#but i believe in you! you will do great things. have a lovely day/night <3
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Don't you wanna live far away from your family and their expectations sometimes and just start a new life?
#i feel so suffocated by my mother#she always gets herself involved in my business and crosses boundaries bc she just can't help herself#and she gets to do it bc i'm home most of the time even tho i have my own apartment but that's also not far away enough#and she still doesn't understand no and how to let me live my own life and she doesn't have to do everything for me#and everyone else i also want to please but i'm also sick of it and even tho they all mean well and they all just want things to go well#i feel so pressured by it and i just wanna get away from them all#but no wonder they all feel so invested in my life bc we're close and i spend a lot of time with my mum and grandparents and 'step dad'#and that's nice and i'm glad we're close and i wanna be but at the same time it means they sometimes just care too much#i guess i shouldn't complain about that like it's a bad thing but it just feels suffocating sometimes#and i don't want to live my life so that they're not disappointed in me and worry about me and so they're satisfied#i've been having the wish to move to another city or country for a while now and i honestly think it would be good for me#and especially me and my mama so that she cannot always get involved and has to accept that she can't control all things#and always try to 'help me'. i'm almost 25 like i need to learn how to live without my mother always being there#and god the urge to move somewhere else is so strong right now#i wish it was that easy to just be able to do it but i'm also anxious and scared and nothing is certain in my life rn#i just want a change though#sorry tumblr i had to let it out somewhere and i don't have therapy right now where i can actually talk about stuff#which maybe i should think about doing again#rambles
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