#and i JUST went on his account and found out he lives like two roads away from me. literally five minutes drive

[july-19th-club]

i'm NOT sure but i think it MIGHT have been possible that our in with the local newspaper was . potentially in some way . flirting with me? in a way where i was able to maybe halfway pick up on it and. reciprocate . idk we had a little chitchat about the weather and then it became about star trek and wars themed coffee mugs until my boss showed up. and like during the entire convo with my boss he was also sort of talking to me? like in the angle he was standing at and when the convo stopped being about work stuff and devolved into chitchat he kept like. sort of including me eye-contact-wise. that might not be flirtign maybe its just normal conversation. he made a point to say he was glad we hadn't put jk rowling on our march madness author bracket. which is sort of apropos of nothing unless he wanted to make a point of telegraphing his social/political leanings such that anyone listening would know that information about him if he was attempting to get their attention in a positive way. also dont know if THAT'S flirting but it seems like it's Something. socially. also he gave me a free newspaper which was funny

[jamminvroomvroom]

in the middle of nowhere.

ln x fem!reader

in which you get the wrong idea in the middle of nowhere, so lando finally pops the question.

hello again! two fics in three days, unhinged jas is back 🤭 right so anyways, here you go! i love this concept so much and i hope you do too, lemme know what you think!

this can absolutely count as part two to everything if you want it to!

songs to set the mood: green eyes::siena by nothing but thieves, fearless by taylor swift, white ferrari by frank ocean, to love by suki waterhouse

warnings: 18+ minors dni! smut, angst for a sec, fluff, bit of choking, reader being stupid, lando also being stupid, then being so sickeningly in love, car sex hehe

2.1k words

the proposal

lando could see it now, the picture clear in his mind. the lines of your dress, clean and white. a veil that flowed, lacy and intricate. your eyes meeting his as you ascended towards him, ready to be bound together in life and love by two silver bands.

all you had to do was say yes. all he had to do was ask.

it was simple enough, getting down on one knee, bowing down before the woman he cherished with everything he had. the planning, however, that went into asking the question was eating him alive.

lando thought that he’d nailed it, finally landing on that one big idea that you’d remember for the rest of your lives. the perfect moment where he’d pledge to be yours forever.

little did he know that while the preparation was killing him slowly, it was also killing you.

-

the car ride was quiet.

lando tried to remain neutral, hiding his nerves and excitement. today was the day, you were en route to a small vineyard in the south of france. the drive from your monaco apartment wasn’t too far, but it was long enough for the pair of you to slip into silence. lando perceived it to be comfortable, glancing at you every now and then, noticing how you were taking in the countryside.

he tried not to concern himself over the way you were fiddling with your hair, chewing at your fingernails. you didn’t seem to notice the way he was watching you, eyes flirting between where you sat and the road ahead. he was more concerned by the dark cloud gathering ahead, but found some hope in the way the sunlight broke through, casting beams of light every which way.

the road was dead, not another car for miles. lando felt like you were the only two people in the world, manoeuvring the vintage lamborghini through the winding lanes, the overhanging trees casting curious shadows. it felt like a fairytale, until, of course, it didn’t.

“do you still love me, lando?” you choked out, finally turning to look at him.

lando slammed the brakes, hard. the way they screeched in protest told him that he’d be dropping a large sum into his mechanics bank account, but he couldn’t find an ounce of care, not when the woman he adored was asking such gut wrenching questions.

“what?” lando spat, delirious with confusion. his eyes were wide, wild with fear. “i- what?” he repeated himself, heart beating dangerously fast, and not in the usual way it did when you spoke.

“you just… are you breaking up with me?” your eyes were brimming with tears, lip quivering ever so slightly, but you stayed strong.

“are you serious?” lando was bewildered. “why would you think that?” he was wracking his brain for anything he’d done wrong.

“you’ve been so distant, at first i thought- well i don’t know what i thought, i just feel like you’re slipping away from me.” you sounded like the shell of your usual self, distraught in the face of it all ending. lando was too.

“baby, i’m so sorry. you’ve got it all wrong, i promise.” lando turned in his seat towards you, quickly checking his mirror as he did, safety first. he grabbed your hands, eyes meeting yours as he tried to convey reassurance.

“why have you been like this, then? have i done something wrong?” and so the troubleshooting began.

lando clenched his teeth, wondering how on earth he could explain his way out of this one without completely letting the cat out of the bag. it seemed that while he was planning perfection, he’d been neglecting you and he felt painfully stupid.

“i can’t… well, i can’t say.” lando replied, voice laced with hesitation. you frowned at his lack of explanation, head tilted in confusion.

“you can’t say? well that’s reassuring.” you bit back sarcastically. “if you don’t want me anymore, i’d rather you just tell me now.”

lando couldn’t believe what he was hearing. three years. three years you’d been together, and he was sure he’d loved you even longer. he was shocked that you thought that low of him, that he’d treat you so poorly, stringing you along. he could admit to himself that he’d made a bit of a mess of this, but he couldn’t accept that you thought he didn’t love you.

lando lived and breathed you.

“are you serious? you think i don’t want you?” his mind was moving a million miles an hour, and it spurred him on to make his next move. “get out the car.”

lando swung his door open, bounding round the door to open your door. there was a little velvet box burning a hole in his pocket, and he could feel it getting hotter with every stride he took. you stared at him dumbfounded when he took your hand, pulling you out of the car and into the road. you glanced around nervously, making sure you weren’t about to cause a car crash, but the coast was clear.

he pulled you into his chest, holding you close, eyes fixed on yours, his own a little teary now.

“you think i don’t want you? god.” lando sighed, shaking his head. one of his hands snaked down to his pocket. “you are the only person i will ever want. i didn’t want to do this here, had a whole plan and everything, but that means nothing to me if the woman i love thinks i don’t want her.”

his little speech had knocked the air out of you, and as he sunk down onto one knee, the colours of the sun hitting him so beautifully, you realised just how wrong you had been.

“baby, from the moment i met you, i knew. i knew you were gonna be my person, i just didn’t even imagine that you’d feel the same way. these years with you have been the best fucking years of my life, and i knew from the beginning that i wanted you by my side through it all.”

he was grinning up at you, a ball of nerves and curls, a few tears falling. you were a river, weeping over him, one hand clutching over your heart, the other fallen to your side.

“maybe i got it wrong, and i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry. but i’m asking what i’ve wanted to ask for a ridiculously long time.” lando breathed. “will you marry me?”

you blinked, once, twice, choking out breaths between sobs. you dragged him up from the ground, kissing him with everything you had left. it was passionate, heavy with pent up emotion, and you never wanted to let him go. you cupped his face, keeping you together when you broke apart.

“yes, lando.” you whispered. “of course.” he slipped the ring onto your finger, a perfect, effortless fit, and then you were kissing him again, as close as could be, his hands all over you.

that’s when you felt the first drops of rain, the clouds finally breaking, just as they’d been threatening to all day.

“oh, fuck.” lando muttered, ready to pull you back to the car, but you wanted this moment to last.

“it doesn’t matter.” you said, letting the droplets coat your flushed skin. lando just smiled, relief washing over him like the rain.

you were engaged. fuck the rain.

and so, there you were, getting your very own movie moment, kissing in the rain with the love of your life, your fiancé, the man you would spend the rest of your life with. the sun still broke through the clouds, bathing you in light as the rain splattered against the damp ground. the leaves of the trees seemed to glisten, water droplets casting twinkles like fairy lights all around you. somehow, after everything, it was perfect. more perfect that anything you could have asked for, and, as bittersweet as it was to admit it, better than anything lando could have planned.

you threw your head back, staring up at the sky. lando leant forward, kissing over your exposed neck, and you hummed in delight. his lips worked their way up until they were ghosting over the shell of your ear.

“i love you. i will always love you.” lando whispered, and you melted into his hands that had a firm grip on your waist.

you shared a look, every worry dissipated, and you saw your life together, right there in his eyes. a flower littered aisle, him in a sleek black suit, his eyes meeting yours from the other side of the room. and then he was kissing you again and you felt the cool, damp metal of his car against your skin. your mind was full of houses in the country, white bedsheets, children playing in a garden. dinners by a fireplace and maybe a dog. but everything you saw slipped away until the only thing that remained was lando, right here, right now.

he was all over you, wet curls trickling cold water over you, sending a shiver down your spine. you grabbed at his shoulders, pulling at his soaked shirt, the white material translucent from the weather. it clung to him deliciously as you ran your hands over the linen.

“get in the car.” he groaned, sliding the material of your skirt up your legs. you complied instantly, turning to climb into your seat, when he stopped you. “no, honey. on my lap.” he smiled mischievously as he slid into the passenger seat and you quickly followed clambering onto his lap.

lando pulled your left hand up, so that it was resting over his heart. you finally had a chance to properly take in the ring, breathtaking as it was. it was an emerald cut diamond, simple yet elegant, exactly what you’d always envisioned.

“you see that? every time you look at this ring i want you to remember that i will always be yours. okay?” his voice had dropped, making the moment you were in even more intimate.

“okay.” you whispered, and his hand trailed lower, slipping under the hem of your ridden up dress. the other went to your neck, fingers gripping softly at the base of your throat.

“you thought i didn’t want you?” his grip tightened, your eyes wide in awe, fixed on his, murky blue green waters turned dark. “silly girl.” and then his other hand found your underwear, tugging it to the side.

lando moaned when he felt how wet you were, dripping all over his fingers, nice and ready for him. he worked through your folds, applying a firm, slow pressure to your clit. your mouth hung open, eyes fluttering shut from the pleasure, but the way his hand closed around your neck had you staring back at him again.

“i need you.” you whimpered, your own smaller hands gripping at his wrist, pushing him further into your delicate neck, rolling your hips against where his hand worked against your soft flesh.

“don’t doubt me anymore, do you? not when i’m the only one who can make you feel like this?” lando teased, and your stomach tightened, clamping down on the two fingers he’d slipped inside you.

“no,” you whined. “only you, lando.” and that was enough convincing for him.

he held you up, just enough to free himself from his jeans and boxers, and you gripped his shoulders, clawing at him as you sunk down on his length. the rain fell harder, condensation gathering on the windows as you ground down on him, meeting his thrusts. tears pricked your eyes; he felt so good, fit you like a missing puzzle piece, and you’d doubted him. you knew, in that moment, that you’d never do such a thing again.

moans were shared between you in unison, your foreheads pressed together as you both got closer and closer, the tight space intensifying the desperation to meet your end. his hands were firm on your hips, his body tight underneath your hands. you couldn’t keep the pace, thighs aching where you were straddling him, and he quickly took charge. your head fell to his shoulder, panting into his ear as he gave you everything, putting everything he had into the final few thrusts.

you laid against his chest in silence after, the sunset casting pinks and purples over the car. you grinned lazily, exhausted, your heart fuller than ever before.

“i’m sorry i doubted you.” you mumbled into his neck, nosing at his stubbled jaw.

“i’m sorry i made you doubt me.” he responded, stroking your hair, squeezing you tighter for a second.

“i can’t wait to marry you, lando.” you kissed his jaw, sitting up to smile at him. your hands looped around his neck, twisting his curls around your fingers.

“my wife.” lando chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. “let’s get you home, hm?”

“please.” you crooned. “i’m sure you need to tell max that you finally asked me, huh?”

“you know me too well.”

-

taglist

removed tags that weren’t working! lemme know if you wanna be added or removed

@boysthatgovroomvroom @thegirlinthefandoms @welld0nebaku @mcmuppet @japanesekel @vinvantae @ggaslyp1 @dr3lover @smiithys @rachstash @infinitebells @multilovebot @fizzpopsnap101 @gaily19 @icecoldtires @mysticalnightenthusiast @thatchickwiththecamera @oyesmendes @disneydaydreameralways @canyouseethesainz @ferrarifwendvale @fcbformulaeri @tony-stank3 @maih23 @nokiaholland @soleilgrec @carolineworld @anthonykatebridgerton @allywthsr @iamasimpingh0e @ophcelia @lovelynikol16 @coffeehurricanes @jennx03 @blueflorals @lqvesoph @sidcrosbyspuck @better-dead-than-smeg @buendiabebeta @pjofics @kovalcin @wintergilmore3 @for-writing-shit

[ynbabe]

Fake texts au- pt.10 bffs with the rookies+ The Hangover III

I can't believe we're on part 10 already 😭😭😭

| Masterlist |

"How could I? I didn't have my phone?" the girl asked slightly panicked,.

"That's because you had mine," Lando spoke up, tapping on his phone, "You logged into your account from mine," he said showing it to the girl.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?" She yelled.

"BECAUSE YOU GUYS KEPT RUNNING ONTO THE FUCKING ROAD AND LOGAN AND ARTHUR COSPLAYED SPIDER-MAN" He yelled back.

"Okay, okay," Max put his hands up to calm the two down, sometimes they were so similar he'd want to ask if Lando had a twin separated at birth, "Lando, what did she post?"

"oh oooh, this going to be fun," the boy said, switching to the girl's profile.

its_y/n_love

liked by 21,023 users

Tagged: @/arthur_leclerc @/logansargeant @/oscarpiastri

its_y/n_love me with my Pookie bears everyone say thank you Oscar for paying the Hospital bills 😍

view all 10,874 comments

usernamei SHES GIVINGGG

username she ATE

username they're her pookie bears 😭 she's so unserious I unironically stan her

username a grown woman calling grown men pookie bears 😒 username fr like oscar had to pay for HER hospital bills username he literally payed for Arthurs too but yall ain't gon say none abt that

its_y/n_love

liked by 501,023 users

Tagged: @/arthur_leclerc @/logansargeant @/oscarpiastri @/landonorris

its_y/n_love LANDOOOOOOOOO why he always with his boy tho 🤨

view all 20,874 comments

username omg she's literally living my dream 😫

username fr god i've seen what you've done for others

username omg she's freeloading off him now too?

username give it up she literally just their friend username and even if she wasn’t why would yall treat her differently than any other wag? username look at her man she's literally using them for fame and money

"Well, that wasn't as bad," y/n shrugged.

"That's cause you didn't have your camera roll," Logan snapped back, finally feeling a little more human, the hangover easing down.

"Look who's talking," the Aussie came to y/n's defence, "You're lucky you didn't have YOUR phone," Oscar called out, making the American's face turn red.

"Damnnn Oscar!" The girl praised, colour returning to his face, all were slowly returning to normal, even Arthur had found his way back to the table. Seeing this, the two older men Max and Charles ordered for the table, while Lando, went through more of Y/n's Instagram with the group.

"Honestly, the response isn't that bad, and our PR officers won't murder us, sooo we're good," he said, smiling and logging out of her Instagram account.

"Oh my god," The Monganeseque boy spoke up after being missing for almost half an hour, " I don't think we ate last night," he said shoving the food in his mouth.

The older men expected one of the other three to corroborate the boy's words but they just witnessed four twenty-somethings guzzling down food and large glasses of OJ, lifting plates to slide food into their mouths, letting runny egg yolks and bacon grease getting over their face and hands.

"Fucking hell," Max snarled, "it's like watching animal planet or something,"

"It's disgusting is what it is," Charles agreed, "MERDE ARTHUR, MAMAN RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS!" He yelled at his brother who was currently dipping a rolled up pancake in orange juice.

"Oh mate that's fucking disgusting," Y/n scoffed but then followed suit.

"Both of you are insane," Logan cried out, his accent thick, but failed to notice his own disgusting plate, dipping his bacon in maple syrup.

"ugh, there is something mentally deficient with all of you," Oscar frowned.

"Big words for someone mixing coffee into their oj," Lando cringed, taking a photo of the four and their disgusting eating habits.

"I- I can't look at this, I'm leaving," Charles gave up, holding up his hands in surrender, "I have a meeting at Ferrari anyways,"

"Bye, Charles!" the table chorused.

"Oh shit, it's 11am already?" Max called, looking at his watch, "I've got debrief at noon, see you next race, yeah Y/n?" He patted the girl's shoulder as he left.

"Never, again, ever." She yelled out, behind the man, making him laugh.

"Wait really?" The American looked over, bacon in hand.

"Nah, but like I've got uni and stuff and I've been going Arthurs races as well so, I'll probably be back by Britain or Netherlands," she explained.

"Oh yeah I forgot you still go to uni," Lando said.

"Not all of are millionaires cause of our fast vroom vroom cars," she spit back.

"yeah, yeah, " he waved off, "Oscar, Zak's told me to babysit you till our flight tomorrow so you don't do something or someone," he wriggled his brows, smirking at his teammate, making him roll his eyes, "you regret, so let's go and leave that disgusting abomination here," he said pointing to the coffee-orange juice.

"Guy's I don't know about y'all but I'm going go and pass out in the room till next year," The girl said, pushing away from the table.

"Same," The two boys followed.

oooooh this was ✨✨✨ but next we have the summer break chapter 🤭

Taglist: @dark-night-sky-99 @cashtons-wife @i-wish-this-was-me @thehufflepuffavenger1 @eugene-emt-roe @fangirl-dot-com

[accio-victuuri]

(12) fake stories. 📝

I found this here and i haven’t seen this compilation or post before. I might have read some on it’s own but it’s only now that I knew where it came from.

The proxies are not written by me, they were discovered by archaeologists, everyone can just read them as fakes. I am a proxy shooter, although I know that I have the same status as an illegitimate student in the fan circle, but I also want to support a family.

In the four years of working in the industry, I have photographed many celebrities, and because of this, I accounted for the first pot of gold in my life. Received from last December, It is a job similar to illegitimate life. It is very labor-intensive to follow two boys in my city, so I accepted it. I did, but I didn't expect to fall into the pit of these two people, which made me feel so lucky to meet them. Tell you what I know.

******************************************

Big / Older = XZ ; Small / Younger = WYB.

Before you start reading, based on the stories below, this was 2018 when they were still filming CQL. Probably some early 2019, the gist is, their popularity did not “explode” yet because of the Drama. So this is why, they were not as careful yet. This will never happen after their change in status as celebrities. They are very much guarded all the time now. Even if there are slip-ups in the years ahead like 2020.

Take this as fake. Fan fiction. This is not me “confirming” things or anything. I primarily wanted to post and share for archive purposes.

Some might be confusing, I tried hard to make sense of what was being said by OP.

******************************************

1. At the beginning of February, the younger one met the older one at a tea house near a high-end residential area in Beijing. This is CK Tea House. In fact, there is a private chef, with relatively high concealment, there are three people at the same time, eating normally, and the big one after eating drove away by himself, and the small one went with another person.

2. The two met in March and recorded a song. The older one arrived first and it was difficult to park. His driver was in Guangzhou. I wandered around the field for a long time. The big one waited until the small ones came and got off. It was normal to meet and say hello. ( OP might be talking about Wuji recording )

3. At the end of March, my colleagues told me not to go to the original community to squat anymore, saying that the older one moved out of the community, so it was I who came to the address of the new community he gave me, squatting for a whole day without seeing anyone, watching their fans. this time should be in Beijing. That's right, I think it might be that he really is a nerd. He is not out today.

Well, just getting ready to go. I found out, the little one after following up for a while, I found out that he is walking @ Qingliu in the village, without an assistant to accompany him, he entered the community with a lot of food in his hand. This community — If you are not a resident, you can't get in, unless you have to verify with a resident before you can go through the registration, which means that he has a verification on his body.

The door is locked, I guess he also lives here, sure enough, he has not been out all night, he lives in this community, Real hammer. I reported this matter to the girl who gave me money, because no photo of the same frame was taken. So the salary is very little.

4. The father of the gold master gave me three times the money and asked me to follow the itinerary. I didn't know that the drama they filmed was about to be broadcast. To follow, under the temptation of money, I still left my dear Beijing. mid june, the older one was in a white T-shirt and the small one appeared on the side of the parking lot of a certain gold square on a certain Jing Road, probably waiting for the car to come out, and it was him. The two of them, I did not see the assistant, both of them wore masks, I have to say that the big one is really tall, and the small one passed a bag of things to the big one, the big one takes it, shakes it, looks at the small one, and laughs under the mask.

5. It was still June, and I found that my Alipay in June was really contributed to them. The price of a certain place is really almost the same as Beijing. Let’s continue, the big one and the small one came out together after the publicity, and there is a certain tolerance in the same industry. A young boy, probably promoted together. I'm such a bad fan, I really haven't watched their drama, so I can't name the boy, but I do know, 4 people got into two cars, the big one and the small one didn't get into the same car, and the assistant followed them to a restaurant hall. A total of seven people went in, the big one went in last, the big one didn’t know what to say to the young one. Well, it's the kind of ear-whispering that the two assistants may be familiar with it, and didn't look up at them. They all held their mobile phones to look at their own, and when they finished talking, the older one touched the little one's head, and the little one looked at it.

You can’t tell if you’re smiling or not, and here’s the point, the point where I got into the pit! That’s the point,. I didn't give the photo to the donor's father, so now I can only take pictures of other small fresh meat to pay off the mortgage.

It was 11 o'clock after dinner, I was lying on the steering wheel like a dog, they came out, they went in. There were seven at the time, but for some reason, nine came out. Well, I don't know about the other two either,They seemed to be saying goodbye, they patted each other on the shoulders, the big and small saw off the others, and the big assistant handed over a black jacket, the big one placed it on the little one, and zip him up. The weather is really fine this time, there is no need to wear clothes, the little one stretched his big arms, the big one lowered his head. I don't know what they said, and we walked to the side together. I really can't see it from that angle, I can't see it

Yes, I don't make it up. The two assistants were still chatting about themselves without looking at them, and about five minutes passed.

When the milk tea in their hands was ready to drink, they came over and said something to the assistant, they gestured. Then the two took the same car and left, they took the other one, and the assistant gave the younger one a bag and a brown paper bag. I continued to follow them to the center of XX Wen Avenue, the gate of XX Community in Times

The small one and the big one got off the car, but the car didn't go into the basement, these two people really have big hearts, the big one took things from the bag. the small one holds the bag in one hand, and the other hand starts to walk on the back of the big one, and the big one takes out the things. He touched Xiao's head again and smiled. I'm sure both of them were smiling, although they were wearing masks, their eyes is curved, very sweet smile. I suddenly felt that maybe it wasn't really brotherhood, it was a beautiful danmei. The plot made me delete the picture of two beautiful people looking at each other. Two people showed things to the property manager to look in. I guess they belong to one of the houses, but they definitely don’t live there often. I’ve been in this business for four years, and I’ve met a lot. Many surface brothers stabbed in the back, this kind of pure feeling is very beautiful.

6. After sending a photo to Xiaoxianrou and expressing his satisfaction, will I rely on him for my future funding source?

After going in, I didn't go out all night, of course it was already a little bit faster when I went in. i didn't drink in the shop, just make do with one night in the car to save money. The little one came out at five o'clock, wearing a black mask. The hood and hat, the top of the clothes were changed, and a brown Buick went in, and the big one didn't come out. The older one came out by 7:00 with no change of clothes, carrying a paper bag, wearing a hat and a mask, his eyes were obviously tired, and got into a car

I was very hesitant about whom to separate from, I decided to go with the older one, but he got on the highway, I wondered if I had returned to Xiangshan, so I reported it to the benefactor, but I didn't dare to say that I saw it last night.

7. After returning to Beijing, I did the math and spent a total of more than 6,000 yuan. You may ask me why I spent so much? Let me tell you, the oil price is really high, I didn't fly because it's not easy to hide, but the Lord is very generous and reimbursed them all. When I got home, I seriously searched Baidu for the two boys I was following. The drama is a danmei drama, no wonder the gold master keeps asking me if I see any sparks, she is one their fans, I've seen a lot of girls like her, basically I don't have time, but I'm curious about what celebrities are doing

They will send us out, They asked me to go to Xiangshan with the big one, I said you don’t like small one? Why? Why do you have to talk to the big one? They told me that since he finished his class visit in Hengdian last June, he felt Of course I have accepted it now, but I still want to know if it is true, so I I went to Zhejiang with full expectations. The plane I took this time was too far away, and my friend over there was picking me up at the airport is also in this business. He told me that he is very familiar with the places where the big one were photographed, and even the place where he lived.

I also know that Xiangshan Film and Television City is very broken. When I saw the big one, I felt that he was with the young one.

It's different, it's very quiet, and when I'm not taking pictures, I hold my phone and make a voice call, and I don't know what to send.

8. In late June, it started to get hot on the Xiangshan side, and there were a lot of mosquitoes. The big filming was very serious, although it was far away, but from the lens, the expression is still in place. There is a shot of a girl, that's that the little girl of 101, she is very good-looking, in a dilapidated town, she gave him a hand.

The drama may be a fairy tale drama, why do you wear such clothes. The hostess handed him iced water, he took it and smiled. He might have said thank you but I can’t see the shape of the mouth clearly. The heroine left. The older one put down the water and picked up a cup on the ground. After drinking water, I took out my mobile phone and continued to make a voice call. The voice was very obvious, because I used my ears to hear it after I finished speaking.

Listen, I laughed sweetly throughout the whole process, I was wondering if he sent it to the little one, but there is no evidence, so let’s not talk about it.

9. The filming is over at 8:00 p.m., there is no big night filming today, and it takes 30 minutes to drive back to a certain hotel. The fast one, the big one signed autographs and took photos with three or four fans at the entrance of the hotel, very gentle, without losing his temper,

After he entered, the fans left. When I was considering whether to leave, the older one came out again. He was already driving.Wearing a black jacket with shorts underneath, a hat and a mask, the assistant drove a black car. The SUV went out, took the Yongguan Expressway (belonging to Taizhou City, Zhejiang Province), and finally got off in Shanghai, I followed. It took three hours. I have to say that the big car has very good driving skills. I was driving a friend's car and almost lost track.

Closer to home, the older one stopped and drove in the green city community of a certain village. Even though the star is not very popular, he is a public figure after all. If he is so laborious, how should he meet. About an hour later, that is, around 12:40, because my mobile phone is almost out of battery,I took a look, and a small car appeared, got off the car, but the car did not enter the community. With a Shoulder bag, carrying things, I can’t tell what I’m carrying, there’s a lot of them in the bag, I carried them in.

The next day at 6:00 a car came out and parked on the parking lot outside the community, a small car came, and a small car got off. In the car, the clothes were not changed. The older one got out of the car and said something to the younger assistant, and patted the younger one on the back.

After watching the video, the assistant got into the car and took breakfast for the older one. After the older one got on the bus, the younger one also got on.

10. The older one returned to the set at almost 11 o'clock, and the assistant waited for him while walking and talking, walking very quickly, at night. It was a big night filming, and the howling sound from the heavy rain was heard far away. After returning to the hotel, he didn't come out again. End of june, I have been in Xiangshan for almost half a month, and I only saw the two of them once. I wonder if I am overthinking it, but I think it's the best way to give money back to the sponsor. After six o'clock in the evening, the crew puts out the meal, and the older ones enter the house to eat. I couldn’t get a picture of the meal, so I asked my friend, and he said that it would be finished in half a month, and asked me to wait another two weeks

God, I said yes, that night a black business car came to the crew and parked at the south corner of the film and television city, near the big car, the big one. After a while, I quickly walked out of the crew and got into a black business car. I didn’t look like it. The small car followed, they drove to the beach of the fishing village, the big one got off, the headgear was not taken off, and the clothes were changed into Simple T-shirts and shorts, and small ones, long sleeves and black slacks, two people on the beach. Walking up is very weird, because the seaside is very cold at this time and there is no one there. The small car parked in my car about 15 minutes.

I was really worried that I would be discovered, so I drove the car calmly to the east side of the beach in the fishing village, getting closer to these two people, I can only see that the older one took off the smaller hat and put it on his own head, and the hair was covered

From my point of view, he really looks like a woman with a good figure, with his small hands wrapped around his waist. Two people are talking, I don't understand lip language, and I can't see clearly, so I see the big one leaning back, and the small one may be afraid that he might fall, the stairs should be tighter. After about five minutes, the little one sat on the beach with his hands loose, and the big one sat down.

Looking at him, the little one looked up, and the two looked at each other. The older one sat down and definitely held the younger one's hand. I can see that the big one took the small hand and put it on his lap, and then he kept his head down and talked,

Maybe the big one rubbed his arms when it was cold, and the small one rubbed his hands back and forth on the big arm, and then pointed to the car, after a while, two people got into the car, the big one went back to the set, the young one continued in the car, early morning. It was three o'clock when the filming was over, and after taking off my make-up, I got into the small car, and the two of them went to a villa in a certain town, but I couldn't get in,

I really couldn't bear it anymore, so I went to find a place to sleep. When I woke up, it was past ten o'clock. I don't know if I should go or not.

I went back to the film and television city. My benefactor no longer needs me to follow, I have already witnessed this beautiful relationship. The love is young, but pure, don't destroy this relationship, so everyone just wait silently. Many people ask me if I am the king of the mountain, I don't know how can two people be so absolute when they are together, I believe it more —- Bo Jun Yi Xiao, that's all

11. When I arrived at the film and television city, my friend brought me fruit and told me that these two dramas were about to be broadcast, and they were not bad. It was the first time in my life that I became a member to watch a TV series, and it was because of their good drama. I don’t know when it was filmed.

At that time, whether the relationship between the two people was so good, but now I feel the contact like a family member, which is what I like.

I went back to the set, and it was like this again. I didn't go out after nine days, and everything was normal. At the beginning of July, the itinerary says to go to Changsha and recorded an entertainment program, and both of them went, so I bought a ticket, but I didn't get the program list. On-site tickets at production time. I left one day earlier than the older one, because I had to find a place to live and I had to pack a car. Bare feet can't keep up with the speed of the two of them. Two days ago, I squatted at the door of a certain electric station, the first time I recognized. Realizing that they are really popular, many fans are already outside, it is not the same as half a month ago, The small one who came first, the bodyguards and assistants were all there after getting off the car, and went in after getting off the car, and then the older one came. It's the second time I saw the big one with bodyguards. I followed it so many times, except for attending the endorsement, There are bodyguards, I have never seen his bodyguards, the big one also went in. I'm bored waiting, I'll just turn around at the door

Turn around, I heard a little girl say that Bo Jun and Yi Xiao must be real, that's when I knew they still have CP fans name the little girl is very cute, ask me brother, you also kowtow cp, I said my girlfriend likes them, so I will come and see

At a glance, the little girl gave me a popular science about the interaction between the two of them, saying that the brotherhood is very strong, I laughed.

The recording lasted around nine o'clock. I thought it was very fast to watch the show, but I didn't expect it to be recorded for so long. The older one and the other two men come out together, the big one wears a white t-shirt, the small one wears a black t-shirt, the other man wears a black hat and a green t-shirt, they come out. Then I drove to a fast food restaurant. There were not many people in the restaurant, so it was not easy to find an angle to take pictures. There was no shelter around, the big one sat with another man, and the small one sat opposite, one of the scenes was impressive, the small one

The one who didn’t know what he ate had a tangled expression on his face, the older one gave his own water to the younger one, and the younger one took it and went straight to drink it immediately, and the buddy next to me didn't say anything.

maybe it's not surprising, except for me, I really don't use other people's cups, even my parents. After dinner, the three of us went to the Rongguo Hotel, I feel that artists are really rich, the security is very good, I can't get in.

12. I went back to Xiangshan to continue filming at 6 o'clock on the second day. In fact, it was a reshoot. It’s green, the crew was too dark when it was finished, and the lights were yellow, which made the big one look very lonely, I don’t know — is it because I have seen him happy, I always feel that he is very distant from people and things in the crew, and the fireworks rise.

From now on, the trip to Xiangshan is over.

-END.

[randomfoggytiger]

I don’t want to believe… You would think that Mulder would not blatantly give up searching for HIS SON, William, after he found out Scully had put him up for adoption. First reason why this doesn’t make sense: He spent 27 years searching for his sister. She was abducted by a shadow government group with lots of power to manipulate him and Scully, but that didn’t deter him from searching. So why stop with William? Second reason: Seeing Scully tormented by her decision—which in many fanfics caused their relationship to end—would have motivated Mulder to take action because he is very protective of her. Third reason: Although the LGM are gone (another bullshit concoction of CC to kill off beloved characters for no reason), it’s hard to fathom that Mulder doesn’t have other friends or allies who could hack into the adoption system to track down his son. I would love to get your thoughts on this. For me, the series ended in season 8, but they made season 9, IWTB, and the revival seasons so I have to ask… I love reading the different perspectives of how it all went by the many talented fanfic writers, but I haven’t read any that takes these points into consideration. Please point me to them if you know of any!

THANKS! =)

I think what CC was going for was a two-fold decision:

Scully lost faith in herself, and gave up William

Mulder lost faith in himself, came back to dead friends and his son gone, and resigned himself to execution

This doesn't work for a couple of reasons:

Mulder wouldn't have left in the first place, even if Scully had begged him (see Redux II, there are some things his conscience won't allow)

Scully wouldn't have given up her son through a private adoption, given Emily's history with adoption and the Consortium

Now, would Mulder have stopped the adoption? TLG were alive when it happened, right? But he wasn't told about William's placement until after their deaths and his imprisonment-- meaning, the only time we see him react-ish to his son's adoption was after he'd lost sight of himself and was sitting sadly waiting for execution (I think?)

On the one hand, TLG and Danny from the FBI were shown to be his only "get 'er done" contacts; and Danny wouldn't be an option after Mulder and Scully took to the road. However, that never stopped Mulder if he wanted to get information: he's more likely to break and enter than let the matter rest (his entire mission during Season 9, for example.)

My guess would be: he didn't retrieve William because he knew there was no life for his son on the run. How would he go to school? How would he get his necessary medical appointments? How would he make friends and live the life he needed? It would be different if they went on the run together, of course; but that didn't happen.

However, the above logical explanation doesn't take into account the fact that Mulder and Scully know their son's privacy would be invaded even if the adoption were closed. Just as I think Scully would have decided against a closed adoption-- she would've, at least, had TLG find her suitable parents on the down-low-- and just as I think Mulder wouldn't have left to begin with, so, too, do I think both would have heard information while on the run that made them double back to protect William's safety. Or Mulder would have anticipated it and told Scully, and both would have hoped their son would be okay. In that case, that anxiety would need to be addressed in IWTB and the Revival, i.e. Mulder finding a contact to trace the closed adoption and constantly checking up on his son (via computer) from the Unremarkable House. And Scully would have sanctioned these measures and been just as overprotective.

But guess what? IWTB throws a wrench in that plan: Mulder basically acknowledges the FBI knows where his hiding spot is (roughly) and decided to leave him alone for... five years? Why, then, didn't he try to get back his son? If he and Scully were on the road one year and in housing the rest... why not at least look into his son's adoption? Did he? If so, the writers neglected to mention that.

Here comes the sticky problem: I can see Mulder, unable to challenge the adoption (wanted fugitive, hello), having to resign himself to the hope that his son was happy after a few years. We see him let 'Samantha' go in Redux II-- back to the Cancer man, even-- because she chose to. He will let people do what they think is best, but he won't forget. And after 2012 passes, there's no way he stays away from his son (especially after the Revival practically states his depression wasn't linked to 2012.)

Realistically? William would have been snagged years before the Revival. And even though Scully thought she'd cured him with magic rocks (getouttahere), both she and Mulder know William is a liability (in S9) to all factions: one of them would have found and exterminated him, easily, just to tie up loose ends. Mulder and Scully would have to be profoundly stupid people to believe otherwise. Moreover, I don't think Mulder would be as trusting to William's safety after Skinner told him his son had been adopted: I think it would have made him paranoid, and snapped him out of his funk-- because even when down in the depths of the dumps, Mulder will set aside his issues to protect someone else. And William, per this information, needed to be protected. And let's say he pushes the issue: Scully either pushes back, and he respects her decision; or Scully gives in, persuaded by his arguments. Both are left up to the skill of the script; but logically his arguments would be pretty sound.

I'm sure I could come up with ten ways to Sunday how the adoption could have fallen out, so consider this one possibility. ;))))

[vktrsnclr]

It's Been A Long, Long Time (R13+)

Pairing: miguel o'hara x f reader

summary: your canon event was losing your family including your husband, Miguel and your daughter, Gabriella. Instead of Miguel, you became this Earth's Spider-woman.

word count: 900+

warning: depression, trauma dumping

characters: hobie brown, jessica drew, miguel o'hara, y/n

A/N: Hi! This'll be my first post in this account. I just love the plot and reality shifted into it and now I got sum tea for all of y'all. This is just a part of what happened in my DR, just added some details.

Exhausted from yet another grueling overtime shift at work, you arrive home craving to be greeted by the warm embrace of your husband. Instead, you find an empty home, with no signs of life or activity. It's been 4 years since they've passed.

The silence is deafening, and you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness wash over you. You managed to eat a fastfood take out dinner, take a bath, cry in the tub and then go to bed. You laid down and felt a tingling sensation in your brain.

It's your spidey-sense. You knew something bad is gonna happen but you just don't seem to care, your heart froze over the years. Mourning and grief is all you've ever known.

Still, you reached for the lamp and looked by the window in your apartment.

"Why can't they all just die?" You sighed coldly, raising an eyebrow.

Two men was fatally struck and got ran over by a truck. You notice that glitch again as the sirens fill the road, You went back into bed like nothing happened, still as empty as before. It's been a year since you stopped meddling with civilians, you didn't see a point in saving them.

As you drift off to sleep, a bright, glitchy hexagonal portal appeared into your room, interrupting your sleep. A 7 foot tall, muscular spider variant, another female variant and a spiderpunk variant appeared from the portal.

You pressed the arc reactor at the back of your neck and immediately changed into your spidersuit.

"Amor?" The tall variant asked softly. You recognized his voice immediately because he's the only one who calls you that. You started to tear up under the suit and asked yourself if you're only dreaming. Emotions rush back into your brain after a long time.

"Miguel?" You removed your mask.

"Amor mio!" He greeted you with an embrace, his squeezing hug felt real. You froze in place, completely shocked and confused.

"Is she?" Spiderpunk whispered at the lady.

"Yep. Just let him have his moment." She replied calmly.

"You're back." Your voice breaks as he removes his mask, revealing his watery eyes. He looked at the window for a moment and asked the spiderlady and spiderpunk to fix the 'canon disruption' outside.

"What's happening?"

"Amor, you left traces of canon disruptions for the whole year. Lyla, can you run it?" A small holographic display of a virtual assistant appeared next to him. She explained what canon events are and you ignoring your senses and not saving the neighborhood is a canon event that should be stopped.

"So you were monitoring me since then?" A punch of anger and confusion struck your chest.

"Mi vida, I'm not from here. I'm from another dimension." He explains, holding your hand. He's kneeling on your bed where you sat.

"Wow. So, you can do all this, visit me." You scoffed. He looks down, fidgeting his shaky fingers.

"You can access this dimension all this time but you never did." You have so many questions and you're walking back and forth, having a crisis while asking where he's been all this time. Those questions are left in the open, halted by a moment of silence.

"I lost Gabriella too." He sighs. You halted for a moment to face him. He's staring at the floor, inner brow raised, openly expressing his sadness and regret. His words hang in the air, the gravity of what he's just said hits you like a force of a bullet.

"I tried to live in a universe where I was dead and you're both alive..... but tragedy followed me everywhere.

When I found you and this universe, my hopes went up but I realized that I should probably leave you alone cause I got scared."

"Miggy..."

"It's better being a coward than watch you glitch away repeatedly." His grinned with a pair of watery eyes, trying to hold it back.

"Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't know." You placed your hand on his shoulders. Your touch provided him a sense of comfort and relief.

"I understand, but what you did here, almost causing a nexus event, It's gruesome, It's cold, That's no way to live." He sat next to you, looking directly at your dark hollowed eyes. He's not mad but rather concerned. He knows everything you did, ignoring the city, causing New York to be a hellhole and a safe haven for criminals.

"I know. I feel rotten since you've been gone. I was weak and I didn't know how to cope. I know I can never bring back their lives, I can't save them if I'm drowning but I'll accept the consequences of my actions."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the only way I can take you with me. I won't make you suffer any longer." He sat you down on the bed and kneeled in front of you, holding your hands in a loving manner.

"Wait.. am I dying? Are you.. are you a ghost?" You cupped his cheeks and lightly taps it, checking his body heat.

"No no no, I'll take you with me. To my universe." He let out a soft chuckle, taking your hand and planted kisses on it.

Your face lightens up, you didn't understand how that would happen but you're just grateful to be together with him. That's what you both longed for, finally having a chance to be together.

"Let's go home."

[dw19791967]

That Feeling Part 3

Pairing: Dean x reader (eventual), OFC Tyler

Y/N POV and Dean POV

Warnings: language, unrequited love, angst, unwanted kissing, depression, anxiety, and feelings.

Trigger Warning: This fic contains discussions of depression and anxiety and feelings that go along with those. If that could be triggering for you I would skip out on this one. It is based on some experiences I have had in real life.

*All mistakes are my own!

I'm back (kinda) here's part 3. I'm thinking possibly two more parts. Let me know what you think!

-Layla

*I do not own this gif

Y/N’s POV:

It has been 5 months since one of the worst nights of my life. I started therapy and have been doing a lot better. It was kinda weird at first talking to someone about my life issues and past traumas, I spent a lot of time just sitting there trying to figure out what to say, especially since I can’t mention anything about hunting. But overall it’s been good. I’ve been taking better care of myself, spending more time with the boys, mostly Sam. Dean has been distant lately but I figured it was because he has spent so much one on one time with me the last few months. Sam has helped me start exercising daily (even though I hate it with every fiber of my being). I’ve lost around 10 pounds which is great considering I still eat a ton of take out. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I took a break from hunting and started writing, that lasted a hot minute before I was tired of staying home. 

Being back in a routine was good, I feel good.

We are on the road currently Sam caught a case about missing bodies. One of my favorite things. They think I’m weird for enjoying the quiet of cemeteries, but I know it’s because the dead are easier to deal with than the living some days.

“Ok, we got four missing corpses. Gladis Bramford was the first, mid 80’s when she passed. They found her head a few counties over, still missing the rest.” Sam was typing away on his computer.

“Who the hell takes a head only?” Dean had a grossed out look on his face.

I laughed.

“Evidently someone had big plans, poor Gladis.” I poked Dean in the shoulder.

Sam rolled his eyes. “The strangest part was her eyes were replaced with red glass, they haven’t been able to figure out which funeral home she was housed at before entering her final resting place.” 

“So what do we think, grave robbers, ghouls, demons?” I asked Sam.

“Not sure, we will have to see after we check the head out.” 

_________________________________________________

Sam went to check out the head while Dean and I looked over the case files.

“You doing ok sweetheart? I know I haven’t really checked in on you lately.” Dean looked at me.

“For the most part yeah, I feel a lot better than I did. I think taking time to get my head on straight helped a lot, plus therapy.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Dean smiled at me.

I missed spending time with Dean. But I hadn’t pushed him, I figured he needed a break from me and I understood that. I can be a lot sometimes and he has his own stuff to deal with. It’s not easy being my friend. Plus after everything I realized I probably will never be comfortable enough with myself to be with someone. I’m in love with him and probably will always be. Knowing he’s here but I can’t have him is a hard pill to swallow but I’m working everyday to move past it. I know he deserves better and I know I’m not it. 

“You haven’t heard anything from that douchebag right?” he continued reading over the files. 

“He actually messaged me a few weeks ago from his facebook account. Asked how I was and hoped I was doing better. I ignored it and he kept sending messages, saying he was sorry and he was a dick, blah, blah, blah. I blocked him.” 

“What an asshat, he must have balls the size of Texas to reach out to you after the stunt he pulled.” 

“I guess so, I was upset by it but I’m moving on.” I smiled at him.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, you didn’t deserve that, any of it.”

“It’s ok Dean, I’ve accepted what has happened and I’m moving on. Choosing between a man and a bear, I’d choose the bear.”

“You don’t mean that, you just haven't found the right man yet.”

I scoffed. “Dean… I’m an overweight, loud mouthed, cursing, strong willed woman, who has extreme trust issues. I doubt I will ever find a man who is ok with that, plus I don’t think I want to put myself out there again, who knows what will happen.”

“Just have me greet them with my glock, I’m sure it will go great after that.”

I laughed.

“In all seriousness I hope you do find someone someday Y/N, you deserve the world whether you believe you do or not.”

My heart sank. The only man I want is right in front of me and he will never want me.

“Thanks De.” I got up to pat him on the shoulder.

“Where are you going?” 

“I just need some air.” 

“Y/N I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t, I just have a lot on my mind and need a break.”

He frowned.

“It’s ok Dean, really.” I gave him a small smile.

Once I was outside and had the door closed I broke down, I can’t keep doing this to myself.

_________________________________________________

Dean’s POV:

I didn’t mean to upset her. I was trying to give her hope. 

It has been five months since I saw Y/N break. I’ve never been so scared in my life seeing her crumble under the weight of the world. I had to step back, let her get her head on straight without me. I don’t want to get used to relying on her to make me feel better. She needs to take care of herself, not me. I missed spending time with her but I knew it was for the best. Plus I know Sam is a better influence. I’m no good for her.

My phone was buzzing.

Sam.

“Hey man.”

“Dean hey, is Y/N with you?”

“Nah, she’s taking a break.”

“Oh, ok. I was going to let you guys know the cops think it’s a serial grave robber, evidently this has happened before. From everything I’ve checked out, I don’t see a relation to a monster. Maybe we should just let the cops handle it?”

I sighed. “Yeah that’s fine, we can stick around for a few days to see if anything happens.” 

“You ok dude?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just worry about her.”

“I know you do, but she’s doing better.”

“I know man, I just feel like I’m losing her. I know I stopped hanging with her but I wanted her to be able to heal without me looming over her.”

“Dean, she probably thinks you need a break from her, you know how she thinks.”

“You’re right Sam, I didn’t think about that. God, I messed up.”

“She’ll be back man and you can talk to her, I’ll go grab us some food before I head back.” 

As Dean was finishing his call with Sam, she sneaked back in.

“She’s here now, talk to you soon.”

“Everything ok?” she asked.

Her eyes were red, she had been crying.

Shit, I’m an asshole.

“Uh yeah, Sam said cops think it’s a serial grave robber, it’s happened before. Told him we could stick around for a few days and see if anything happens. He’s grabbing food, and should be back soon.”

She nodded.

“Y/N I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I got up to go towards her.

She backed away.

“It’s ok Dean, I’m just being over sensitive right now.” 

“No you’re not, I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“Dean it’s fine really, let’s just drop it.”

“I don’t want to drop it Y/N, I’ve been awful to you these last few months. I was trying to give you space to heal and it backfired. You think I hate you or can’t stand you. Neither is the case.”

“I understand Dean, I know I can be a lot. It’s ok.”

I raised my voice “But it’s not, I feel like I’m losing you!”

She began to cry. 

“Dean, I was doing fine, great even. Until I realized the biggest part of me was missing you. Sam was great at helping me, sure, but you told me you would stick by my side and you didn’t. I really get it. I’m annoying as hell. Everyone deserves a break. But you know I would do anything for you, hell I have and I know you have done a lot for me. And the fact is, I’m not yours to lose. So stop apologizing, put your big boy pants on, and move on. I’m not going to keep doing this!”

_________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV:

Dean took a step back and sighed.

He can’t keep doing this to me and I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I could tell I upset him.

I rubbed my head and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just don’t need to keep hearing your apologies alright, I get it Dean. You forget I know you better than you know yourself. I’ll be ok, please don’t beat yourself up.”

I moved to hug him. 

He held me in his arms.

Then spoke, “You know I can’t do that sweetheart, beating myself up is my number one hobby.” He laughed.

“Well you need to stop, especially when it comes to me.” I moved back.

“I just need to know it’s going to be ok Y/N, I know I messed up but I will be better. Promise.”

“I know Dean, I know.”

Taglist:

@hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog

@deanspinsterwitchs-readinglist

@pandasrdbest2341

[melanieph321]

Dusan Vlahovic x Reader - Boss Me Around Part 3/6

Reader is a former yacht girl now newly moved to Turin, Italy for her job as a real-estate accountant. There she meets Dusan Vlahovic, a former client of hers, a client she never thought to see again. However, with Dusan being Readers new boss their past becomes a liability. Nevertheless the spark between them still lives. This story is a romcom with both His and Her POV!

Enjoy!

Your first month in Turin was the perfect description of hell, and it made you seriously contemplate your life choices up until now. Your living hell situation wasn't because of your continuous struggle with the city's public transport system. No. Your living hell situation was caused by one man and one man only. Your boss, Dusan Vlahovic.

"Yeah, this is wrong. You'll have to redo it."

At this point you thought of him as a robot on autopilot, because every week when it was time to hand in your calculated reports of the companies revenues, Dusan seem to always find a way to belittle you by dismissing your work for the slightest and miniscule errors.

"It's just a spelling correction Mr Vlahovic. I'm sure you can interpret what I meant to write." It was strange, addressing him by his last name, however he made it very clear during your first week on the job that addressing him by his first name was a no no, and that he would  ignore you if you  did. To him Miami must have been a hallucination. A shame, because to you it had been very real.

"Interpret?" He frowned. He had been typing away on his laptop as you stood before him, presenting the weekly revenues. This was the first time he took the liberty to actually meet your eyes, however he did not seem happy to see you. "Interpret." He repeated, this time shaking his head with disappointment. "Y/N, you must not take your job very seriously if you're asking me, your boss, to interpret such an important document as the company's revenues."

His raised but steady voice, sucked all of the air out of your lungs and the room. And in the back of your head you prayed that you wouldn't shed a tear at the mercy of Dusan Vlahovic.

"I will not have it." He said, shutting his laptop.

"I...get that." You said, speaking through the sharp rasorblades that cut deep in your throat.

"Do you, Y/N?" He smiled, an evil and sarcastic smile. "Do you really?"

"Yes. I do. I really do. It's just that you've asked me to redue this revenue three times already and I'm starting to fall behind on other priorities."

"Then you must not be the greatest at managing your time, don't you think?" He leaned back in his desk chair, legs spread wide like some form of powerplay. It was only powerful to you because you had gotten to know the size of him more than once in Miami, and the memories of those nights now made you feel sick to your stomach.

"I want the papers on my desk before the end of this day, got it Miss Y/L/N."

"Sure." You muttered and with trembling hands went to retain the documents on his desk. You headed back to your office knowing that it was the last time your boss would ever get to talk to you in that way. You'd hand in your two weeks notice along with the revenue.

********************************************

Dusan took pride in being the first one to arrive and the last one to leave his office. It showed his commitment and the passion he had for his job. Others should take after him. Matter of fact, he should be working on a biography about his road to success. He came from humble beginnings in Serbia. Back then his dream had been to play professional football, but his parents had been right to push him towards higher education. Today he owned real-estate in three of the worlds continents. He was successful indeed. The only thing he felt to threaten that success was being taken care of. Yes, she put up a good fight trying to please his ridiculous commands but in the end she seemed to have had enough. Like any sensible person would. Dusan had found Y/N's two weeks noticed amongst the revisions of documents she had presented to him before she left for the day. He held it in his hand in the elevator on it's way down the now abandoned office building. He admired her calligraphy as it was exceptional. It was a shame that she hadn't gotten around to tell him about her higher education in accounting. Maybe then they could have avoided this mess in the first place. Then again, Dusan and Y/N hadn't spent their time in Miami getting to know each other. They had spent their brief time together getting to know each other's bodies. He suspected that she had previous experience with that sort of arrangement. Another reason he felt a need to get rid of her. What if the board found out that he had hired a former harlot as his accountant? It would be scandalous indeed.

Dusan stepped out of the elevator holding up his car keys in search for his Range Rover. It was Friday, which made the car harder to find, since a lot of his employees had the habit of abandoning their vehicles at the office and heading straigt to the bars in town. Dusan wasn't like that. He used his Friday's to unwind at home, not to party. He got into his car longing to cook the steak in his fridge that had been marinating over night. He would prepare it along with a homemade risotto, a recipe from a friend. He left the parking lot a happy man on top of his job and his life, that is, until a strange sight made him drastically turn his vehicle back around.

"Y/N, what are you doing?"

He had pulled up to the bus stop where she sat, arms crossed to shield herself from the night's cold.

"What does it look like I'm doing." She hissed. "I'm waiting for my bus."

"You don't have a car?" He  ignored the attitude she had spoken to him with. He assumed that her newfound confidence was fueld by her annouced resignation.

"No, I don't have a car." She huttured. It was a cold night, too cold for someone wearing heels and see-through stockings.

"Get in then, I'll take you home." He said. He was in a good enough mood to do her the favor. However she snorted in his face, shifting to face another direction. Away from him. "Is that a no?" He frowned. He wasn't angry, just annoyed.

Y/N turned to face him, clearly upset. "That was a hell no, Dusan. As in no fucking way am I getting in a car with you."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" Her eyes widened. "Dusan, you must not be aware of the type of asshole you are."

His shoulders fell. Thank God she couldn't see him through the cars rolled down windows. "Asshole?" He wasn't familiar with the term. Nor had anyone called him that before. He didn't like it. "If you're reffering to our encounter earlier today, you must know that I am in the position to give you my honest but objective opinion."

"Bullshit!"

"Pardon me?"

Y/N, stood but did not approach his car. "Your opinions of my work has not been objective and you know it." She said. "I've been living here for a month and almost everyone in your office has taken the time to get to know more about me. Everyone but you."

Dusan frowned. "I don't see how that has any relevance to...."

"You haven't tried to get to know me Dusan because you know me better than anyone up in that office. And pretending not to, makes me highly suspicious that nothing you've said to me has been of objective matter."

God she was gorgeous, he thought. The way she wasn't having it, the way she saw through his bullshit.

"Just admit it. This is about what happened in Miami, the fact that I didn't tell you that I was moving to Turin right after graduation."

"Y/N, you never even mentioned that you were a student when we met." Dusan yanked the handle to the car door, stepping out onto the street. "Or that you were applying for a job in accounting."

"Why would I?" She snapped. "You told me you were from Serbia, what are you doing in Italy, huh? And as far as I know I didn't owe you anything on that yacht but my company, that's what I was paid for."

He snorted. "You were paid to do a little more than that."

She gasped, and the slap was anticipated. Dusan rubbed his cheek to mend the pain. "I wasn't..." She stood trembling, tears streaming down her face. "I wasn't paid to...." She lowered her head to the ground, wrapping her arms tighter around herself.

"Fuck me." Dusan sighed. He wanted to offer her his coat, but something told him that his concern would be excused for pity. "Y/N, please let me..." He stretched out his arm, offering her his hand. "Let me take you home. The time tables for the bus are different during the weekends."

"Great." She laughed, although he was sure that she didn't find it funny.

"Great" He chuckled

"What's so funny to you?" She frowned.

"I just realized..."

"Realized what?"

"That I am...an asshole."

Her expression withred seeing his smile. She nodded. "You really are."

"Would I still be considered an asshole if I drove you home?"

"Yes." She said, but took a small step forwards. "But a less worse asshole than you were this morning."

He grinned. "That decides it then. Get in, I'm taking you home."

[all-the-things-2020]

No Better Place - Chapter 22

Summary: Javi gets a sweet surprise.

Word count: 1100

Javi tossed his briefcase into the backseat and loosened his tie. He waved goodbye to one of the receptionists who was also getting in her car, and slid behind the wheel. He was getting used to the forty-five minute commute to and from work, but some days were better than others. The traffic had been a mess that morning due to some road construction on several streets downtown, and he hoped the workers had already knocked off for the day.

As he drove, he switched idly between radio stations. On the way to work, he often listened to NPR to catch up on the news, but going home he preferred music. He’d found three stations that played stuff he liked, which was way better than his choices in Laredo.

When he saw the sign for Blue Ridge Ranch, he clicked off the radio and slowed the car. The transition from the road to the drive needed some work and if he wasn’t careful, the car would bottom out in the big pothole that had started to form. He made a mental note to ask the landlord to have it repaired. He also had to slow down because there had been several times one of the kids or Coco (who Chucho had claimed was “sad” that Javi had moved away, even though apparently she hadn’t cared when he lived in the apartment) had darted across in front of him; once he’d even come bumper to nose with a loose horse, a huge part draft named Emerson with a penchant for unlocking stalls and gates.

He parked under the carport and took his briefcase inside. Linus stretched and meowed once, then plopped back down on the back of the couch. Javi gave the cat a quick scratch on the head on his way to the bathroom. As he stepped out the back door, Coco flew across the side yard and slobbered all over him.

“Where’s Cassidy?,” he asked her as he bent down to ruffle her fur and rub her ears. It was a rhetorical question, not just because the dog couldn’t talk, but because there was only one place Cassidy would be at this time of the day: the barn.

He found her leaning against the fence that stretched across the back of the turnouts, watching Cricket roll in the dirt. He stood next to her and rested his arms on the top rail. “She does like to roll, doesn’t she?”

Cassidy laughed. “There’s an old saying, a horse is worth a hundred dollars for every time it can roll completely over. She did it five times one day, and accounting for inflation, that means she’s worth at least five grand.”

“Not bad,” Javi said. He reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. She always put it into a neat ponytail or braid in the morning, but by the end of the day, it was starting to fall out.

“How was your day?,” she asked.

He sighed. “Same old, same old,” he said. “Two meetings that should have been memos, and a stack of paperwork an inch thick. How about you?”

She turned around so her back was to the fence. “Pretty good, actually,” she said. “The vet came out. You’ll be happy to know that the mare we picked up at the auction last week isn’t pregnant.” She paused and looked shyly at him. “But I am.”

Javi just stared at her for a moment, wondering if he’d actually heard what he thought he’d heard. As a huge, goofy grin spread across Cassidy’s face, he realized that he had. “Are you serious?,” he said.

She nodded. “Yeah, I kind of suspected it but I went to the drugstore today and picked up a test.” She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a test stick with a bright pink + mark on it. “I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to confirm and find out how far along I am, but yeah, we’re having a baby.”

Javi wrapped his arms around her, speechless.

“Hey, Mr. P,” called a voice. He looked over Cassidy’s shoulder to see Alex, a fifteen year old who’d gone from missing school half the time and getting D’s and F’s to a solid B average and almost perfect attendance. He was thriving in the new program and Javi couldn’t have been prouder. Alex came out to the ranch two days a week after school and almost every Saturday.

“Hey, Alex, what’s up?” Javi called back.

“Not much,” Alex said. “I finished doing up the stalls, Miss Yates. Anything else you need?”

“No, you can just hang out till your ride comes,” Cassidy said. “There’s carrots in the feed room if you want to hand out treats.”

“Cool,” he said. He stole a glance at Javi’s hands around Cassidy’s waist and smirked. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

“Yeah, yeah, get out of here,” Javi said. When Alex had disappeared around the corner, he leaned down and kissed Cassidy’s forehead. “So, should we move the wedding up?”

Cassidy made a face. “And deprive my momma of the indignity of watching her daughter walk down the aisle in a maternity wedding dress?” she laughed. “Oh, no, baby, I am going to waddle up to the altar even if I need a wheelbarrow to carry my big old belly.”

Javi chuckled. “Well, you can do a combination wedding/baby shower, I guess,” he said. “Make things easier on everyone.”

“No way,” Cassidy retorted. “I’m getting two gifts out of everyone. Mom can host the baby shower, and Monica can host the bridal shower. I’m milking this for all it’s worth.”

Cricket ambled over to them and shoved her head in between them, her warm, sweet breath washing over them. “Are you jealous?” Javi asked. “You’re going to be a big sister, what do you think of that?” The mare snorted, blowing bits of half-chewed hay all over them.

“You had to ask,” Cassidy said, laughing as Javi wiped at the blobs of green that covered his nice white dress shirt.

He didn’t care, though. No shirt was worth more than the feeling he got, standing here with the woman he loved, the woman who’d just told him he was going to be a father. The sun was shining and they were surrounded by happy horses and happy kids. It was a long way from the streets of Colombia, but there was nowhere he’d rather be than right here. It had taken him a while, but Javier Pena finally felt like he was making a difference in the world.

[alwayzraven]

Kardeşlerim Ep 124

After she confessed, Ayla was put in a holding cell at the police station.

Back at the restaurant, Berk finished listening to his father’s conversation with his friend and got angry. He was going to confront his father but Akif held him back. Akif told him not to tell Gokhan that he found out the truth because they have to come up with a plan first. Gokhan managed to transfer Berk's money to his account so if he finds out that Berk knows about what he did, he will run away with the money. Akif told Berk that Gokhan found out about Ayla’s involvement in Sarpil's death and blackmailed her. He also told him that Ayla told Elif the truth and then went to the police station to confess.

Berk went to see Ayla at the police station. He apologized for not believing her. He asked Ayla if everything his dad said was a lie and if he only was interested in his money. Ayla told him that if he really loved him then he wouldn’t have given him up when he was a baby. Ayla told him that she loves him very much and that she would burn the world for him. She told him that Elif loves him too and that he should stay strong. Berk told her that he will call their lawyer and get her out. 

Elif was waiting for Berk back at their house. When he came back, she didn’t know how to tell him about Sarpil’s death. Berk told her that he knows. Elif was upset that he hid the truth from her and left the house. Berk went after her. Elif wasn’t paying attention to cars when she was crossing the road and she almost got hit by a car, however Berk saved her. I really thought they were going to send Berk to the hospital in this episode.

The next day, Ayla was released because she wasn’t a flight risk. The lawyer told her that the prosecutor might bring charges or they might decide not to pursue Ayla and that she will let her know once they decide. In conclusion, the investigation into Sarpil’s death will continue but Ayla doesn’t have to go to prison for now.

In the evening, Berk went to see Aybike. He told her that his father lied to him to steal his money.

Berk:”Do you know that everything he said was a lie? He didn’t want to get to know me, he was just after the money. How could I be this stupid, Aybike?”

Aybike:”Don’t call yourself stupid. You wanted to believe it. You wanted to get back all those lost years. It’s very normal. How is Elif?”

Berk:”How is she? She is in the same state as I was when I first found out: angry ”

Aybike:”Is she at home?”

Berk:”No. She said she is going to stay with a friend who lives in her old neighborhood. She is upset with me, you know? and she also hates my mother.”

Aybike:”Your mom loves her very much! Berk, I believe that your mother’s death was an accident. Aunt Ayla would never do something like this on purpose. She is a good person.”

Aybike then held Berk’s hand

Aybike:”and I also love her”

Berk:”I noticed that. You two get along very well”

Orhan got out of the house and came to the chicken coop. He saw Aybike and Berk and asked them what they were doing. Aybike told him that Berk came to see Omer and not her and that he was leaving. Orhan told her to tell him to go home so he wouldn’t get sick because the weather was Cold. idk why he was talking about him like he wasn’t there but Berk was happy that he didn’t want him to get sick and asked Aybike if she heard what he said to make sure he didn’t hear it wrong. Aybike told him that she heard him too and that his father in law was worried about him. She told him that he kicked him out in a nice way. Berk kissed her and told her that he is lucky to have her. Then he told her that he loves her and he left but he turned back to take one last look at her before finally leaving.

I love that Berk went to see Aybike to tell her about his dad. Their relationship is getting stronger every day ❤️

Sarp heard Gokce’s conversation with Gokhan on the phone. He heard her tell Gokhan that she can’t break Ayber up and that they really love each other. He heard her talk about being paid to do that. Later when he saw Aybike at the cafeteria, He told her that he had some good gossip about her. Sarp told Aybike that Gokhan gave money to Gokce so she can break her and Berk up. Sarp asked Aybike if she was going to pull her hair out and she told him:”what do you think?” and he screamed “YES!!”. He wanted to see them fight so he could film it lmao. I think he was bored. Aybike asked Gokce if Gokhan gave her money to break her and Berk up but Gokce played dumb. Aybike told her that Sarp told her he heard her talk with Gokhan on the phone. Gokce told her that Sarp heard it wrong and Sarp told her that he didn’t then he told Aybike to attack lol.

Aybike:”No one in this world has the power to separate me and Berk, do you understand that?! Go and tell your uncle Gökhan. I will not see you by my boyfriend’s side ever again”

Aybike called Berk in the evening and told him about his dad and Gokce. He was dumbfounded. Aybike still hasn't told him that he threatened her. I don't know if they will bring this up again.

Akif came up with a plan to help Ayla and Berk get their money back from Gokhan. Ayla invited Gokhan to her house for dinner. She told Gokhan that he won and that she won’t fight with him anymore. Gokhan then asked her if she likes him now and she said:”of course no, I even want to kill you”. Gokhan thought she was joking. He asked her if she had a weapon under the table and she said that there are other methods to kill someone, like poison. Gokhan started to feel the effect of the sleeping pills and he thought it was poison. He got up and fought with Ayla then pushed her on the ground. She hit her head and he lost consciousness. Then, Akif came to start executing their plan. He brought fake blood and told Ayla to act dead.Then he woke Gokhan up and asked him what he did to Ayla. Gokhan was shocked at what he saw. Akif acted like he was checking Ayla’s heartbeat and he told Gokhan that she was dead. Gokhan panicked and told him that he didn’t do anything to her. Gokhan asked Akif how he got into Ayla’s house and for a second I panicked because I thought he was going to figure out their plan but thankfully Akif thought about that detail and he broke the door’s handle to make it look like he broke down the door to get in. Akif told Gokhan that he was going to give him to the police. Gokhan told him that he can’t go back to jail and that he will give him all of his money and shares in the restaurant. Akif told him that he will clean the crime scene and help him go abroad. Gokhan fell for the whole act and he told him that he will do whatever he says and then he left.

The next day, Akif met with Gokhan and made him sign a document to transfer his shares in the restaurant to him. Then he told him to withdraw all of the money he has in the bank so he can take it with him abroad. Akif told him that he called a few friends he trusted and they took care of Ayla’s body and threw it in the sea. Later in the evening, Akif met with Gokhan again. Akif gave him the number of the person who is going to help smuggle him to Romania. Akif then asked him if he withdrew all of his money and Gokhan said that he did and that he had it with him. Akif told him that they need to pay the crime scene cleaners in cash. I think Akif told him this so he can figure out where he put the money. Gokhan opened the trunk and Akif saw the bag of money. Then, Gokhan told Akif that he needed to pay for gas and Akif took this opportunity to steal the bag of money and give it to Ayla who was hiding in his car. Gokhan came back and said goodbye to Akif and drove away. Ayla then called Gokhan and told him that she is glad he is finally out of their lives. She told him that he left as he came: penniless. Gokhan told her that they didn’t take anything from him and that his money is in the trunk. Ayla stayed silent and Gokhan panicked and went to check the trunk and found out that the bag of money wasn’t there so he got really pissed. Ayla told him that if he gets close to her or her children then she will kill him. Gokhan said that he will get his revenge. Akif told Ayla that she should keep tabs on him in case he does something but Ayla seemed sure that he won’t try to do anything. I honestly have a bad feeling about this. Gokhan won’t give up easily and leave. He is going to do something to Ayla and maybe this is how Elif will forgive her. Also, Akif gave Ayla Gokhan’s shares in the restaurant so she is a partner at the restaurant now.

At Susom’s engagement party, Berk asked Aybike when they will get married and Aybike told him to go ask her dad. Berk said that he will do it and tried to call Orhan to ask him but Aybike stopped him. When Susen asked who is going to get married next, Aybike said that it’s not her and Berk said that he is ready but……

Overall, it wasn’t a bad episode. I knew Berk wouldn’t miss the opportunity to ask Aybike about when they will get married for the 1000th time 😂 I am glad he and Ayla managed to get their money back and I hope Elif returns home so they can be a happy family again. I don’t think we heard the last of Gokhan. I just hope he won’t be able to hurt Ayla and Berk again.

[baileyboo2016]

merry Christmas! it's me, fae-spy, your secret santa! I hope you enjoy. I'm not super good with angst so I hope it's enough! I hope you have an amazing Christmas<3

Link had no idea what the winter solstice celebration was.

He had heard it mentioned once in a blue moon, from the odd passersby. The first time Link heard about it he was five years old. A while ago, he had just lost his family, and was living by the kindness of a few fairies. Though, they could not talk and had very little understanding of human needs.

He was in the market, which was a rare occurrence, to buy something with a little money he found on the side of the road. An older woman had mentioned something about how “winter solstice has no meaning without her grandchildren.” Link had asked her what the winter solstice was, but she paid him no mind. People barely talked to others outside their family in Hyrule, much less strangers.

Later that night, Link couldn't help but wonder what the winter solstice was. It was the only thing that was keeping his mind off of the cold. He was unable to find a coat to buy with his money. He huddled against the dark walls of his cave in a desperate attempt to feel warm.He was sniffling and shivering. He was cold and alone. The only thing that kept him alive at that moment was the hope that things would be better next winter.

…

“Are you okay?” Hyrule asked. The Chain was staying at Lon Lon Ranch for a bit on account of all the snow that piled up outside. Of course, Malon gave them chores to do like she always did. Hyrule and Wind were tasked with cleaning the guest rooms, and while they were making the beds, Hyrule could hear small sniffles coming from Wind’s side of the room.

“I’m fine,” Hyrule saw Wind bring his arm up to wipe his eyes. Wind sniffled once more.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Wind continued to make the bed.

“...Well, if you need anything let me know…” Hyrule went back to his chores. He was still awkward when it came to interactions with other people.

Not a minute later, Wind spoke up. “Do you think we'll be able to leave soon?” Hyrule thought that statement was odd. Wind always loved to see Malon and the ranch.

“Time says we can't leave until the snow lets up. It depends on if a portal appears or not then.”

“Oh… it's just… nevermind it's stupid.” Hyrule turned to face Wind. His eyes were glossy and red, matching his red, slight snotty nose. Wind usually looked small to the others in the Chain because he was the youngest. But Hyrule never thought he looked like the youngest, he always thought that was Four, because he was so short. However, right now, Wind looked like what he was, a child.

“Wind, what's wrong?”

He sat down on the bed. Gingerly, Hyrule sat down next to him. “I just miss Aryll… I mean, more than I usually do, since it's close to Christmas and all. I just wish I could make it in time…”

Hyrule had no idea what Christmas was since he grew up as an orphan in a crumbling country. Even though his curiosity was burning, he felt this wouldn't be a good time to ask. “Well… Legend has this theory that when we go through the portals we don't travel… linearly… through time I guess? Anyway, maybe you will be able to make it in time.”

“...yeah, I know I have you guys for Christmas, but without Aryll it isn't the same…” Hyrule didn't know how to respond to that. The only family he ever had were his dead parents and the fairies, so he didn't really understand.

“You two must be really close, huh?”

“Yeah…” Wind wiped his eyes again and stood up. “Don't tell anyone about this, ‘kay? …Promise?”

Hyrule nodded. “Promise.” He wasn't planning on telling anyone about Wind, but he was planning on figuring out what Christmas was.

…

Hyrule didn't really understand why he'd been sly with his inquiries, so he asked the first person he ran into after his chores were done. Which was Malon.

“Hey, Malon?” Malon paused cutting the vegetables for dinner. “... what's Christmas?”

Shocked features painted her face for a second before her lips formed into a soft smile. “It's just a celebration during the winter. People decorate, give each other gifts, stuff like that. Do they not have something like that in your Hyrule?”

Hyrule shrugged. “They had something called the Winter Solstice, but I never really did anything for it… when is it?”

Malon continued to chop the vegetables. “In a few days.”

“Oh, do you and Time celebrate it at all?”

“Of course! We were talking about doing it with y'all if your circumstances allow it. Wind has been seeming particularly sad lately, maybe it’d cheer him up, ya know.”

“You noticed too? …Maybe we could make it a surprise for him. Kinda like a surprise birthday party?”

Malon clapped her hands together. “That sounds like a great idea! I'll talk to Time and see what we can do!”

…

“Wind,” Hyrule shook Wind softly. “Wind, wake up. It's important.”

Wind rubbed his eyes and groaned. “What?”

“Come down stairs, quick!”

Eventually, Hyrule coaxed when to stumble out of bed. They walked to the living room together. A soft glow was drifting out of the living room paired with soft whispers.

As the two walked into the living room, they were met with the sight of a lit fireplace surrounded by presents and a tree decorated with red bows and candles in jars. Everyone sat in front of the presents. Time sat right next to Sky, making sure he didn't fall asleep.

“Merry Christmas!”

Wind grinned widely, now fully awake, “wow, thanks you guys!"

“Are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?” Legend remarked, holding a gift out to him. “Or are you going to open your present?”

Giddily, Wind grabbed the gift and quickly unwrapped it. Taking off the paper revealed the gift to be an ornament. A telescope one, in fact, just like Aryll’s. It was red and orange with small seagulls.

Wind eyes started to water slightly as he looked at the telescope. “Thank you!” He said to everyone. Then, he ran to Hyrule and tackled him with a hug.

Hyrule smiled, this might just have been his best winter yet.

awwww omg this is so sweet???? 🥺🥺🥺🥺 poor rulie, im glad he gets to have a good christmas with his family!! sky trying not to fall asleep is such a mood LMAOOO. and wind needs a hug too :((

thanks so much and merry christmas fae-spy!! 🥰🥰🎄🎄

[aonoexpat]

29-08-2023

While my mood continues to swing, I do feel like I am finding my way again in this adventure :)

I tried my luck with the job search in the Tāhuna area, including Wānaka. On my way there I got caught up in the evening rush hour, and decided to wait it out in a resting bay by the side of the road. The farmer that lived there must have had their fair share of rude tourists, because they had gone through the trouble of putting up this sign, which was quite a funny sight to me:

I spent two nights in Wānaka and met some lovely people in the SC parking spot, who I had the honour of teaching my favourite card game to. I did unfortunately discover a patch of (dreaded and inevitable) mould in the MDF my bed is made of 💔 So, I spent the next days attacking it with bleach and sandpaper, and I think I've killed most of it. I've been airing out the bed as much as I can, and will just have to live with it as it is now. Luckily I am told it is not harmful and unlikely to spread!

After a seemingly pointless job interview back in Tāhuna and no responses from any potential employers for several days, I decided to throw in the towel. Most of the hospitality gigs wanted a long-term commitment that I wasn't ready to offer. I realised that even if I found a place that would have me for only three months instead of the regularly requested six, that would still mean I'll have spent 2/3 of my time in this country working when I go back home. Though I could really use the money, that's not worth it to me. I'm proud of trying, but my heart wasn't fully in it, especially with the extreme scarcity of accommodation in the entire region due to ski season. When I do get my next job, I want to be able to enjoy it. So instead I sent my first e-mail to a Dutch IT company in hopes of starting the journey to secure a well-paying job for when I get back home! I'd rather re-earn money well spent here on a spectacular adventure than save it and miss out on some truly unique opportunities in these parts.

In the true spirit of making the most of my time here, I booked a trip for the very next day to go see Piopiotahi, one of Ata Whenua's most spectacular and accessible fiords. The entire day had me smiling ear to ear, from the moment our enthusiastic tour guide picked me up from the Tāhuna bus terminal in the early morning to the goodbyes we said in the late evening. There were 11 other people on the tour with me from all corners of the world, and it was great to feel part of a group again. We talked about our favourite places around the world, our careers, and on the ride back to Tāhuna we all got to share a party song using the driver's Spotify account (I picked this one). I was also able to get some great advice from the driver, who was local as could be, about spots worth visiting on the rest of my trip. He reignited this little spark of inspiration I've had in me ever since I went traveling on my own for the first time back in 2014: the aspiration to maybe one day be a tour guide myself. He told me something I've only ever heard a handful of people, including my father, say before: he doesn't work a day in his life, because he truly enjoys what he does from the bottom of his heart. If that's not a career goal, I don't know what is 🤩

On this tour, we drove the almost 300 km to Piopiotahi while our guide told us everything we wanted to know about the area. We experienced quite some rain, but in the morning that just meant we had some beautiful rainbows to look at from the car windows:

Soon we entered the national park, and again that sense of driving from one biome into another hit like a ton of bricks. In a matter of seconds, the scenery suddenly looked like this:

We were surrounded by beech trees, and the rain only got worse as we drove. We went for a little walk at the Mirror lakes, which unfortunately weren't mirror-ing very well due to the weather, but the views were still worth it:

After a quick stop at Knob Flats, I started to seriously appreciate the fact that I didn't have to drive these roads myself. Not only would it have been more expensive than the tour in terms of fuel, but these roads are not for the faint-hearted. They are perpetually wet and slippery, winding as can be, and on top of that they encompass a 21-kilometer long, so-called "avalanche risk area": a stretch of road on which you are not allowed to stop driving under any circumstances:

Not long after, the tour guide swapped out the generic pop music for movie soundtracks; a much better fit for our new surroundings. He explained to us that in these parts, the ground is almost entirely made up of pure granite. This means there is virtually no top soil present in the ecosystem. The rocks are overgrown with moss, which provides just enough hold for the massive beech trees to take root, which are in turn also overgrown with moss. Due to the rain, all the mountains were overflowing with innumerable delicate little waterfalls, that made the whole place (to me) reminiscent of Iknimaya: the floating mountains in the Avatar movie.

We stopped next at Monkey Creek, both to admire the views and to fill our water bottles from the stream of crystal clear mountain water. To my absolute elation we were welcomed by a pair of Kea, which came running over to us as soon as we had parked, hoping to steal the crisps from the bus. They had me doing tippy taps of pure excitement! I had been looking forward to meeting these amazing mountain parrots for months, and I finally got to lay eyes on them. They are very clever birds, and for some reason they thoroughly enjoy destroying any rubber they can get their beaks on, so our tour guide had to stay with the bus at all times to protect the windscreen wipers!

We went for another hike in the prehistoric wilderness of the forest, one of very few places left on earth that have truly been untouched by human hands, and show what a jungle might have looked like in the Jurassic era:

And then, finally, we made it to Piopiotahi! We had officially reached the West coast of Te Waipounamu. Our boat awaited us patiently, ready to take us on a little cruise through the fiord and out to sea before bringing us safely back to port. We were so lucky that the rain let up for most of the cruise, only starting to pour down again as we were on our way back. This place deals with, I kid you not, nine meters of rain per year. Only two of the waterfalls in the photos below are permanent falls. The rest only happen when it's raining!

These detail photos show the trees directly growing on the granite. In order to survive in these harsh circumstances, the trees' roots connect to each other in one big network. This, unfortunately, also means that if one of them breaks and falls, it tears others down with it, resulting in "scars" in the vegetation down the side of the valley. In the second photo you can also see copper, iron and quartz deposits in the granite!

On our way back, we got to see a beautiful sunset over Lake Te Anau:

That night I went to sleep very tired, but very satisfied. The only blemish on the day was the fact that after the tour I tried to refill my water tank from a public tap, only to find it not working, so I had to spend 10 minutes pouring FORTY (40) cups of water into my tank from a public bathroom sink. Would not recommend. The cherry on top was that it was one of those fancy exe-loo electronic bathrooms, so I got to listen to some nice elevator music for a while before the voice started scolding me with its "Your use time has expired. Please leave this bathroom immediately" lines 😂

The next day I took the leap, spread my wings once again and left Tāhuna in my rear-view mirror! It felt very empowering to choose my own path again. I really wanted to make it all the way to the Southernmost tip of Te Waipounamu, and so after fueling up I turned up the music and drove for hours. My most invigorating tracks of the day were these two. I raced the sunset, and, unlike the good people of Rise Against, I won!

I burst through the gate in the fence and felt like I was running to the very end of the world. I was all alone when I greeted the icy winds at Slope Point, the most Southern tip of mainland Aotearoa!

I stayed to watch the sun go down and walked back to Elrond with a skip in my step and this song in my head, before finding a spot to sleep for the night. I was a happy camper, though my gas cooker has decided to malfunction. I'm hoping to get it fixed in the next few days!

[courfeyracs-swordcane]

alright i'll bite. problem is i don't even KNOW who your ocs ARE? who are your ocs??? or better question--who is itching the brain right now??

OKAY WORM!! I have so many damn ocs so I might make a little breakdown under a cut of guys I tend to tag more often (edit I am in fact just going to make a separate post to pin)

SO! The guys who are currently rotating in my head are my guy Hot Shot aka Maximilian A Rojas-Molina aka Max for short (Transformers oc whomst I got very attached to the human au version of as well) and his ¿guy? Sweets, who’s @local-hellcat’s! (Best friend does not apply bc he’s got 2-3 of those separately but nothing else really applies either)(they’re lowkey the most important person in each other’s lives but they are Not acknowledging that)(they call each other like. buddies. at MOST)

(Art from picrew (linked) and @coyotefang1987 respectively)

But anyway so Hot Shot (not quite in chronological order)

He’s so stupid

But also lowkey has the braincell of his friend group (they’re all so fast and so so dumb)(affectionate)

He’s a terrible judge of character but also usually good enough with people that that doesn’t matter

He keeps just straight up losing track of everybody he cares about (most of the time it’s not his fault)

His baby twin brother got his Face And Hands Privileges taken by the government for being an anarchist in college (specifically cop college)(which is a thing that can just happen sometimes in transformers for those of y’all who don’t go there)(he dropped out after that and went full time with the anarchy)

Technically he’s kinda homeless (if he settles down he’ll forget to keep searching for one of his best friends who went missing in the war, so he just. Doesn’t.)

He works as a (robot) preschool teaching assistant on the moon

and he wanted so bad to make his boss (Forklift) proud of him that he went and got his (human) preschool teaching certificate on earth

and also got forklift certified for good measure. Just in case it was important.

Lowkey the first thing he did after fighting a massive civil war for four million years was find a random catboy (disgraced war criminal/assassin)(Sweets) in a wet box on the side of the road and go “hi! We’re friends now. You wanna go to the other side of the galaxy with me to get back to my brother and best friend?”

“Quit your job” “why” “join my emo band” (Sweets did. (He’s on bass.) They have exactly two fans.)

They kind of live together now (Hots slept on his couch for a couple nights and just never wound up leaving)

He found out about all of the war crimes and massive body count in a very emotionally charged confession moment and went “…okay but you’re my buddy so like?”

Sweets will just sit there and take anybody’s shit on that. Hot Shot will the fuck not.

he can and will try to fistfight the entire rebuilt government if they try to make Sweets face consequences for the atrocities

He was briefly his best friend’s (Flashdrive’s) supervisor on a normal job before the war. Neither of them remember this even a little bit. Even though his little brother and Flashdrive’s qpp were close friends the entire time.

They met again during the war and got assigned on one (1) singular mission together

…and got distracted and were gone for ten (10) years.

they didn’t get to work together after that.

He’s really emotional about Boulevard of Broken Dreams (and he sings the hell out of American Idiot (song and album) w the emo band despite only knowing what like half of the words mean in or out of context on account of being a ~30 robot from outer space who turns into a car)

This: (Hots is not broadly a Substances Guy)(Meter just went and dropped him off on Sweets’s doorstep (not home) like Baby Moses)

(green guy being his brother Meter and purple guy being his best friend-turned-Meter’s-husband Aileron)(Meter image traced off a picture of my sister)

There’s probably more but it’s 2am so I’ll add to this in the morning if I missed anything important

[suicidejack]

Crow

I have a trust deficit. It's developed in stages over many years. I've been lied to for so long and by so many that somewhere I forgot that I never even knew the truth.

I've spent many years in solitude because I refuse to believe the big Lie.  A few years ago I isolated myself so far away from other people that for almost a year my only correspondence was with the animals I encountered over time. My list of friends included a cat, a raccoon, an owl, and a crow.

He alighted on a tree stump one day at lunch while I was taking a break from guitar practice.

I said to him, "You're a crow, right? He just looked at me.

"Well," I said to him, "crows are smart birds. You live in societies called Murders, and you hold yourselves accountable to a standard of ethics that includes courtesy and respect."

The crow just listened, so I continued.

"So where are all your crow cronies? Where's your girl crow, and your crow family?"

The crow tipped his head at me the way he always does, and I was compelled to offer him some trail mix. He likes the granola and the m&m's but he don't like the little freeze dried coconut curlies.

After a minute he said to me, "You should know this."

He spoke to me telepathically, not with a human voice, or a crow voice, but through the subliminal wave link between our minds. He said to me, "You are no different than me. Here you sit, alone with your music and your machines, isolated from the rest of the humans. You have discovered, as I have, that solitude is a good thing."

I said nothing but I listened attentively.

Solitude," the crow asserted, "is good. It's where you find your Self."

At that, my large, wise crow friend took to the wind, and he flew aloft, leaving me utterly, and completely alone.

For days I sat there wishing he would return. I went and opened a box of the butter cookies he likes, but still he remained absent.

After about two weeks I had given up as hopeless the chance that I would ever see the crow again. Then one random day, right at lunch time, he returned.

I was elated, but I tried to contain my joy.

As we shared my lunch, I addressed the subject of his observations on solitude.

I told him, "I agree with you. Solitude is a good thing. But Loneliness and Isolation are not Solitude."

He looked at me sideways through his coal black eyes, and his mind was silent.

"Loneliness," I continued, "is akin to a Silent SCREAM in the deepest part of the night that will not let you go to sleep."

After a moment of reflection, the crow conceded that what I had interjected was the truth. He hopped a few times to get a better angle and trajectory and then he once again took the wind under his big black wings, and this time he disappeared off over the horizon. It was the last time I ever saw him. I like to believe he returned unto his own.

I spent some time repairing a damaged old F150 pickup that I found in a field on a farm near Port Orchard. It had a sticker on it that said Don't Mess with TEXAS.

I removed the part of the sticker that said Don't, so it just said Mess with TEXAS, and I took it out on the road and down to the freeway, off that mountain, and I headed back to the city, where I am now surrounded by a million people in all directions, and all around me. all the time.

Here, amidst of all the people, cars rushing by, sirens blaring, lights flashing on and off all day and every night, there are people chattering and hopping around everywhere. And I feel far lonelier here than I ever did when I was alone up on the hill.

[horrorslu7]

Corey cummingham x reader where him and the reader have been together for a while, but he has been suspicious of them, and he catches the reader cheating one day. He still loves the reader and decides just to get rid of anyone who comes between them.

Hellooo, thank you so much for requesting! I don't think I've ever written something like this so interesting experience tbh. Hope you like it. 🫶🏻

Illicit affairs.

Summary: After finding out evidence of the reason why you've been colder lately, Corey decided to take matters into his own hands.

Pairing: Corey Cunningham (post-Michael) x fem! reader.

Trigger warnings: Cheating (???), murder.

Corey couldn't believe his eyes as he saw it. You couldn't do this to him... right? You were his angel. You could do no wrong in his eyes.

You two had been together for two years now, and your relationship had always been perfect. Sure, you two had some ups and downs, but that was normal, right? Every relationship had them.

What was important is that you had always supported each other. You had been with him when his abusive mom put him through hell, when the whole town hated him, everything.

Of course, he noticed how you had grown distant lately, but that couldn't be because you didn't love him anymore or something like that. You were his soulmate.

Though, after around two months of you being colder towards him and your relationship becoming more distant... he decided that he had enough. He had no choice but to snoop through your things to search for what was causing this sudden coldness.

And boy, did he find the reason.

As his rough hands moved on the keyboard of your PC, he found an open tab that had your Instagram account open. How silly of you, so unaware about how inexistent your privacy was.

His brown eyes scanned everything on the screen as fast as they could. Quickly, he entered your DMs... and there it was. Another guy sending you messages.

Well, more than one, but there was one in particular that you were replying to. As Corey entered the chat and read, he noticed this had been going on for a long time. This couldn't be real.

When he felt like he read enough... which to him was the whole chat, he minimized the tabs again and leaned back on the chair.

This couldn't end like this. Corey wouldn't allow it. You weren't like this. It had to have another explanation... it had to be that the other guy manipulated you.

Corey just didn't think it made sense for you to cheat. It had to be the other guy getting in between you two. And as any other bump on the road... Corey had to get rid of it. For the better of your relationship.

As you got home, everything was quiet and still. Not the usual smell of food already done and waiting for you (since Corey got home sooner from work every day), no sound coming from the living room, nothing. It made you suspicious, but as you entered the house and you put your purse down, there was a note on the coat rack.

"Hello, angel:

I'll be out for a couple of hours, don't wait for me. There's food in the oven to warm up.

Love, Corey."

You sighed a bit and walked to the kitchen, looking into the oven and seeing a freshly made lasagna. He must've cooked it before leaving.

As much as you wanted to be appreciative... something felt weird. Something was off. Your hand went to the pocket of your jeans, taking out the phone and calling Corey, for no avail since he didn't answer.

Corey looked down at the buzzing phone in his jeans before sighing. God, you always called in the worst moments.

After dismissing the call, he made his way over to the open garden sliding door of your little fling. Corey's steps were soft and calculated, and the knife in his hand reflected the moonlight that entered through the house's windows.

The guy he was looking for had just entered the bathroom, sighing as he looked in the mirror before looking down at the sink and washing his face.

As the guy looked up again, he didn't have time to scream when he saw Corey in the mirror, Corey and the knife being quicker as he sliced the man's neck, making him bleed and fall almost instantly.

Once he was down on the bathroom floor, Corey looked down at him with a sinister smile before getting on top of him and stabbing him in the chest.

"You." Corey said while stabbing the man's chest. "Will learn." Stab. "To." Stab. "Not interfere." Stab. "In relationships." Stab.

Once he was done with the guy, Corey decided to change before coming back home to you. His angel couldn't see him all bloody. He didn't wanna scare you.

After he cleaned the knife and then threw it away, he made his way to the recently killed guy room. Corey roamed through the closet and found clothes that looked like something he would wear.

He changed and then threw his own clothes away before leaving the house and getting on his bike and driving back to you guys shared apartment.

You were sitting on the couch eating and watching TV when you heard the door open, quickly putting your plate down on the coffee table and walking to the entry.

"Oh my god, where were you? I was freaking out, and you weren't answering my calls!" You said walking over to him, your arms crossed.

"I'm sorry, angel, I didn't mean to scare you." He said softly as he gave you a bouquet of flowers. That was unexpected. Yet you took the bouquet and then sighed and hugged him.

Corey obviously hugged back. Now everything was back to normal. His arms tightened slightly around you as you two hugged.

Though as they did, you felt a familiar scent coming from his clothes...

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2011 A part of me really wants to unfollow Kim on Twitter for all the damn tweeting she does and just keep her as a Facebook friend, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Or Alison’s since they’re friends.

When I went to check her MyOpera blog it said that the user had been removed. I told her about it and she said she had no clue as to why. I wonder if she was banned or if her account got hijacked. I’m trying to get her to contact them about it because I’m curious, but I don’t think she really cares. I think she’ll just make a new one. God knows she and Alison love multiple accounts on most sites anyway.

Still nothing from Maliheh. Hmm… wonder what this could mean?

Life is good right now but it is also filled with uncertainties. This morning Tom was going to gather the numbers of a few dentists around here and call them on his lunch break. We figure he’d know more about what to ask them since he understands money and plans and all that better and since he’s the one who drives and knows the roads better. But then the toilet got clogged and he had to deal with that.

Hmm… divine interference trying to tell me to just suffer instead? I wish I could, but I’m really sick of being in pain every fucking day of my life. I know God will be quick to replace my dental problems with something else, but fine, I’m ready to move on.

There’s both good news and bad news where Tom works. They’re going to pay everyone for a full day for last Friday instead of just 4 hours to those who dared show up, but Tom’s pissed (and I don’t blame him) that they’re not going to pay him for the 2 hours he worked that day. So it’s more money for us but a definite display on their part of a lack of respect and concern for who’s more deserving of what. They don’t seem to care about the people there, and so what if an employee may be a better worker than others? They’ll still get treated the same as everyone else and their hard work will go unrewarded.

I asked him if he thought they’d still hire him and he thinks they will, but he can see them taking their sweet time with that. Well, I can’t afford to keep waiting for others to do things they should be doing, like giving us insurance. I’m sick of others having all the control! But I know we’re never going to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives. Never have been, never will be. And so they continue to take their sweet time at our expense. We’re the ones that have to pay for their greediness and their unfairness. And we’re also going to be the ones to have to foot the bill for my teeth. Even so, the dream I had last night says we’re still moving. I don’t expect to get any house details till a week or two before the move since that’s how it’s been in the past, but in the dream, I was packing the contents of the refrigerator.

I just wish things would happen already! Or that we could at least know when they were going to happen.

I waited and I waited for the Amanda Knox movie to post on LMN’s site till 1am last night but it never did, so now that it’s finally there I’m off to make some popcorn and check it out.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2011 I saw a movie last night that was so sad and a scary reminder as to just how far back reverse discrimination really goes. Blacks weren’t being favored and given special privileges in 1913 like they are today, but they had more power than many might think they had.

The movie was a true story about a Jewish guy who managed a pencil factory in Georgia where a 13-year-old girl was found murdered. The black watchman accused the Jewish guy, saying he only helped to try to dispose of the body, and the Jewish guy swore he was innocent. Sure enough, the black guy was the one they believed and the Jewish guy was convicted and given the death sentence. Then the governor began to catch the black guy in all kinds of lies and inconsistencies and found that he had quite a record. The black guy even admitted he could “tell a good story.”

So the governor commuted the death sentence to life and everyone was pissed. So pissed that they broke the Jewish guy out of prison and lynched him. Because the guy was Jewish, no one was ever made to pay for it. Meanwhile, the black guy got off in less than a year as a supposed accessory and died in the 60s. In the early 80s what was a 12-year-old boy at the time came forth and said he saw the black guy kill the girl and that he threatened to kill him and his entire family if he ever told anyone what he saw.

Having been the victim of discrimination by blacks because I am both white and Jewish, this movie really touched my heart. While I know there are many good black people out there, I can’t help but feel all the worse for the whites of today who cannot have a black person charged for a hate crime should they be attacked by one for their color. And who are constantly being passed over in the workplace for minorities. Who are receiving harsher sentences than blacks in the courts. Who cannot have a White History Month, white TV station, white beauty pageant, etc, if they ever wanted one since they know they would be labeled racist. It also sickens me when famous blacks get off in court because the judge and jury not only fear being called racist if they convict the person but to avoid a possible riot as well.

How many more times must a minority lie and say they were called all kinds of racial slurs when they in fact were not after they got into an argument or a disagreement with a white person? Until people stop automatically believing them no matter what the true case may be? How many times must a minority insist they were picked on or complained on for their color when in fact it was really for their behavior? And how many more years must whites pay for what might’ve happened over a century ago, even though there’s no one left alive who had a hand in any of it?

No one should ever be the victim of discrimination no matter what their color, race, gender, nationality or sexual orientation, and no one should have fewer or extra rights either. Yet it seems that those who desire equality for all groups are simply dreaming.

Kim is so damn annoying at times. She not only tweets too much, but every day she’s posting tons of poor-quality face shots of her giant face on Facebook and it gets a little old. Is she trying to prove she’s not so damn ugly? Or is she just trying to set a record as to how many pics can be posted? People who do things in excess really annoy me at times!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2011 We may have to delay the move because I am so, so sick of living in pain almost every single day of my life that I’m going to let Tom make me an appointment to at least deal with the worst of the teeth. Then later on down the road when we’re insured we’ll take care of what else needs to be dealt with. It really pisses me off that I’ve just got to have this interfering with our plans. Now, who knows when we’ll get out of here? At least this place isn’t a bad place to be. It’s just too damn small, sometimes noisy, and the mold will be a continual problem till the weather warms up for good. We’re having unusually shitty weather now, though we never got any more snow.

Hopefully, everything will be okay when Tom returns to work on Monday. There were lines down everywhere. As he was going down the road a tree fell, snapped a wire in half, and there were sparks flying everywhere.

Tom’s having a sucky day so far. He forgot to get himself a treat at the grocery store, and after he cleaned his keyboard it stopped working. Only difference is he laughs when he has a bad day, I just want to kill someone.

I sure wanted to kill those damn dogs last night. All had been dead quiet all day. Then I got engrossed in a movie forgetting that it was Friday night when the damn cock usually takes off to go get drunk somewhere, and so I had to stop the movie and turn on the sound machines to drown out the barking.

He said it smelled like ammonia outside before I got up, but all I smelled was burning fireplaces.

Had a lot of B&E-related dreams last night but they were mostly seen through someone else’s eyes.

If I don’t hear from Maliheh today I’m going to really start to wonder what the hell is up with her.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011 Tom took his shower last night instead of this morning in case he needed extra time to get to work because they were predicting snow. It isn’t that we were worried about there being much down here, but up where Tom works which is higher in elevation.

When I got up at 9:30, I found that it was raining like crazy and he was home. My first thought was a downed tree blocking the driveway, but he said that they lost power where he works so everyone was sent home. He still gets paid for half a day, though, so between the holiday and the half a day that’s shorted us $150 this month, I should be able to earn it back online within a month.

Anyway, the car got stuck in snow near where he works. He was about to walk the rest of the way when a coworker spotted him and drove him in. Then someone else helped get his car unstuck.

At about 11:00 it started snowing here and Tom was all excited, saying it was “pretty” and all that rolls eyes while I’m thinking how we really half-assed it as far as moving to a warmer climate when we came down from Oregon.

After a half-inch had accumulated, it turned back to rain and melted away. But this is going to be it for the year, right?

For a couple of days, the gums running along my bottom front teeth were inflamed. They felt like they were on fire the day before yesterday and I just wanted to cry. Why must I experience pain nearly every fucking day of my life???

LOL, Stacey didn’t have her picture deleted this time around on the company site she works for.

If this isn’t strange, I don’t know what is. At 2am ET my MyOpera blog got a direct hit from Hartford Hospital. They searched my blog and accessed parts 1 and 2 of My Childhood. I could tell this because no one else was on my blog at the time.

How funny it would be if it was Tammy, laid up and dying in the hospital, LOL! Only she wouldn’t be up that late, nor would she be accessing parts of my blog she’s already read. She just read it on the other site.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 Well, they got day 1 out of 4 days wrong in which they were predicting snow which is fine with me. :) It’s possible it snowed during the night and then melted by the time I got up just after 9:00, but I doubt it. I’ll ask Tom when he gets in. He’s certainly gotta have snow up where he works.

Saw an interesting movie last night about a crazy mortician who falls in love with this beautiful corpse. What a nice job that would be to work with the dead. I mean, could I really go wrong if all my “coworkers” were dead? We certainly couldn’t fight over positions, breaks, promotions or anything like that, and if I decided to swipe some stiff’s expensive watch to sell, somehow I doubt they’d be reporting me to my boss. Time has no meaning to the dead anyway, right?

But when you’re born with one sense not working right – in my case it was my hearing – the others are stronger. Therefore I’m not sure my nose could handle the stench.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2011 I briefly touched base with Maliheh last night and now I’m trying to fight off PMS-turned-period fatigue. If exercising is supposed to give us energy then where’s mine?

Maliheh’s still having eye trouble but goes for testing tomorrow. She thanked me for my kindness after I told her that her little queen was thinking of her and missing her, and said we’d get “closer” soon. Ooh!

Other than cleaning the bathroom and doing some online work, I’m going to take it easy today and focus mostly on writing and proofreading.

Andy says he cleaned 7 bathrooms yesterday which would put about $100 in his pocket. Once again I wish I could drive, had a car and could keep a schedule so I could go out and build up my own clientele. I’d hate the work and would probably miss working at home, but would love the extra two grand a month it could make.

But no, God had to go and curse me with this sleep disorder and driving phobia to help hold us back in life. Again, this really bothers me. It really angers me to see others have so much more. Not that I don’t want good things for other people, but because I know that despite my limitations I’m just as deserving as anyone else.

I also know it’s pointless to sit and fume over what I could’ve done – what I might’ve done – and just do what is really within my means of doing, but sometimes it’s not so easy to avoid getting a little resentful.

People must be finding these entries boring lately. I wish I had something new and exciting to write about, but I just don’t at the moment, and I might not until he’s hired this summer and we move.

Later…

I just had my bubble burst by Maliheh who said that when she said she hoped we could get closer, she meant her and the doctor getting closer to finding out what’s wrong with her eye, sorry for the misunderstanding, etc. That’s okay, I’m used to it as I told her. I’d rather my bubble be burst with the truth than inflated with bullshit anyway.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 I had a cold coming on the other day but managed to kill it with super hot tea and some serious wishful thinking.

I’m now friends with Ann Marie on Facebook. She’s someone I had two one-night stands with back east, LOL, before I moved to Arizona. This was when I was 26 in 1992, so it’s been a long time.

Jesse and his kid were leaving in a little Honda as Tom was coming in. No wonder it’s been so quiet. The calm after the storm. That really is how it goes for me in every place I live at – okay, noisy, then okay again. Except for the NHA and Phoenix. Those places were always rocking. The duplex wasn’t all that quiet in the end either with that damn dog. But most places seem to get worse, then better.

I can’t wait till I have dream visions of the next place as I did with this place and the dump in Oregon. But if I do, and I think I will, it probably won’t be till a week or two before we find the place.

It just sucks that as much as we want his job to work out, it’s not near any retirement communities. It’s like something doesn’t want us moving into one, but that doesn’t surprise me at all. I pretty much figured as much.

Either way, I hope this Honda becomes Jesse’s regular vehicle. As long as their dogs don’t tell me so, I like a neighbor in which I don’t have to know when they come and go.

I went out running this morning. At 46º it was cold at first, but once I’d been running for a few minutes in the direct sunlight I was fine. It isn’t going to be this Saturday unless they can get it wrong for once when they predict bad weather. Like what may be a second dusting of snow for us this year. Hopefully, it’ll be when I’m sleeping in if it does happen. That way it’ll melt before I have to see the shit.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2011 All my dreams last night were in Spanish and Italian.

Paula emailed me yesterday and said she has to go to court, she’s been angry at the world, she got a new cell phone, and to send her a surprise:

This is so Paula, too. God, I’m sick of the same old, same old when it comes to her. Why does she have to call when we can just do email? And why does she promise to start keeping in touch only if I send her stuff? Can’t she do that simply because she wants to?

I don’t mind sending shit I don’t want that I know she could use, but I don’t have enough stuff gathered just yet, as I told her, and we’re saving to move.

Tammy messaged me about a biopsy she’s waiting for results on and her telling mom that it’s our business whether or not we have a relationship.

Ah, the mixed emotions that still go with this one. But as I told her, I agree it’s no one’s business what goes on between us. I still don’t know if I give a shit about her, though, and I still wonder if her intentions are true. Does she really want to keep the peace and does she really miss having a sister? Or does she have some dark, hidden motive in mind that’s encouraging her to play nicey-nicey?

Although I wrote a polite reply back, I really wish whatever she’s got wrong with her, which I’m sure is nothing that can’t be dealt with and is much less serious than she’s probably making it out to be to people she talks to, would just up and kill her so that if my folks leave us anything I only have to share it with one asshole and not two. With my shit luck, though, her mean, crazy brood would get whatever she would’ve gotten if she went belly-up. She won’t, though. Only the good die young. Just be the biggest asshole you can be, I told her, and you’ll be fine. I’m sure she’s getting a kick out of that one too, even though I wish it weren’t so true.

Unless someone’s lying somewhere, Sarah really does seem to own her own salon and not just rent a space in someone else’s salon. I mean, I’m sure the little bitch had to take out a loan for it, but how can you ever go wrong with your own business? Especially one where there’ll always be a demand for what you do? And how can you go wrong with a business degree? Yeah, I’m sure God will make sure they never struggle a day in their lives and never have to lose this, lose that, etc. To say that God singled me out and picked on me financially like no other family member is the understatement of the century! Always gotta be the family underdog. Always.

sighs Think of all the things I could’ve done with my life had I been able to keep a schedule like almost every other human being alive.

What will God take from me next while they gain, gain and gain some more? I’m sure He’s busy picking out the most horrible neighbors he can find for us for when we move.

Why has Sarah unblocked me anyway? I looked her up a while back so I could block her along with Lisa and Becky, but couldn’t bring her page up which I assumed was because she had blocked me herself, but now I can access her page just fine. And now all 3 are blocked and Sarah can really say she “never had an aunt.” Yeah, that part really pissed me off, even though I understand that her mother would’ve confused her with the bullshit she no doubt put into that girl’s head and that she was too young to remember when I was sending cards, letters, money and gifts regularly from Arizona. Still, it pissed me off more than Lisa’s hysterical accusations about how I supposedly told Dad we started talking sooner than we really did.

In other news, I set up the bedroom so the rat can be in it again, though I still have to watch him.

We set up the dehumidifier in the closet to help kill the mold marathon.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2011 Maliheh’s having eye trouble and is undergoing testing. She’s trying to rest her eyes and told me that if I don’t hear from her for a bit that’s why. She’ll let me know once they figure out the cause and what to do about it, but I guess it’s her right eye that’s blurring up really badly.

I thought Nane was either busy, gone to Morocco or downright sick of me, but she emailed me today to say she had company over the weekend and that they had a blast. Bet the neighbors did too, LOL. I told her we were moving soon and why.

Andy thanked me for not dumping him because he gets annoying. I told him that yeah, he gets annoying and doesn’t always know what the hell he’s talking about, but I won’t dump him.

Still, the whole thing makes me hesitant to tell anyone else about my sleep disorder if they’re either going to not get it, call me a liar, or say I’m making excuses.

Tom said not to let him get to me because A, when people are unhappy with their own lives they tend to pick on others, and B, not everybody gets everything. Well, he may not be as happy as he claims to be, but this got me thinking back to how I insisted Tom’s not cumming was his own doing (and maybe it still was), and that he was just making excuses cuz he really didn’t want a kid, but just maybe he wasn’t. Especially after learning that this is indeed a known medical problem where the guy can rise but not squirt. It’s just rare like my type of sleeping disorder.

I also always thought that those with multiple personalities were just putting on an act pretending to be someone else depending on their moods, but maybe they’re not. Maybe they really are out of their minds.

I still may get myself a “job” other than the Turk at some point. I just have to remember not to be online when I’m supposedly working wherever.

My throat is still sore from all the coughing I did yesterday as I had to go and nearly choke to death yet again. What is it with all this choking I’ve been doing lately anyway?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2011 It’s barely after 4am and there’s a dusting of snow out there. So we didn’t escape it after all which sucks. :( I did not come here for this shit! Why is it snowing in mid-February in not-so-very-northern Cal??? It’ll be gone as soon as the sun comes up, but it’s still not a pretty sight to see when you hate the shit as much as I do.

Tom thinks the outbreak of mold in the closet is due to us not using the main heater. I guess it could be. We didn’t have this problem the first two winters here and I used to keep the door open. It’s a pretty big closet and so I started closing the door figuring it’d be less space to have to heat that way.

I extradited Barbie from the chamber of horrors yesterday. The mold hadn’t gotten to her, but I didn’t want to give it more time for it to decide to pick on her.

When Tom pulled in the day before yesterday Whiskey was hanging around down here wanting to play, but Tom didn’t want to get all muddy either since it was raining, so he had to shoo him away.

I received a homemade Valentine’s card from Eileen that’s really nice. She glued a pink heart on the cover with a pink gemstone in the center of it. Pink is my favorite color.

Tom is now thinking he may not be hired till July. I’ll explain why later but this shouldn’t hinder us from moving this summer as planned.

Nane’s still ignoring me and Maliheh’s been busy, I guess, setting up her new computer.

Later…

The nasty dusting of snow that mostly picked on the shed, car and Jesse’s hideous fake strips of grass was gone by 9:00. I hope this doesn’t happen again while we’re here!

They like to hire people in groups at work rather than one at a time, and it hit Tom yesterday that they may not hire him till July if they hire people quarterly like they seem to do because there might not be enough time between now and April for all the paperwork. While we were hoping he’d be hired earlier – and he still might be – it shouldn’t delay the move because we can still save up for the move between now and then. All we’re waiting on is to find out how much more he may be making so we can know what our options are. We can still afford to move with him making what he’s making right now, but if they give him a significant raise, then the options as to where we could go goes up.

Every time I think I’ve seen all there is to see in the bedroom closet, more nightmares become exposed. There was tons of mold on the front wall so I found today when I cleared that section of it out. We got some more Lysol this morning and Tom sprayed it real good. It’s just bound to keep coming back till the weather gets warmer and dryer.

I’m really getting sick of Andy’s “You should’ve gone to work with Tom that day” and “Excuses, excuses. You’ve worked before with a sleep disorder, you can do it again. You just hate people so much is the real reason you won’t work outside the home. And you hate being told what to do.”

No, the truth is that the sleeping disorder gets worse with age (I told him this, too), and yeah, I hate people but don’t mind being told what to do if people will pay me for it and not treat me poorly while I’m at it. I may not like whatever it is they want me to do, but I’ll do it if it means being paid for it.

Andy’s not the only one with this shitty attitude about those who work at home and online, even though it’s true that you can’t make as much online. Women have been pressured to postpone or skip motherhood and to work (outside of the house) for many years now.

Tom and I never cared which one of us got us the money to live on as long as one of us got it in the first place, but others don’t see it that way. They think both people should be out there working, even though it’s not like I don’t work. Doing dishes, cleaning the house, washing the laundry and working online is still work. But nearly being assaulted in jail by that crazy Nancy taught me just how strongly people feel about people being out there working.

What’s disappointing is that this is the old Andy I’m seeing here. The one that I thought changed and is able to take people at face value. Yet he insists that the real reason I don’t want to work is that I hate people. Now why oh why wouldn’t I just come out and tell him that if that were so? The truth can’t hurt me so why tell people my reasons for something are other than what they really are? Yet one could make a million bucks from home and that’s still not considered working. It’s never a real job unless it’s out of the house. That’s why Nancy even condemned the idea of us farming part of our land; because it was still at home, though she was crazy and probably would’ve picked on me for something else if it weren’t that.

Then I decided that if he can have his imaginary Fire Flies band, I can have an imaginary job. One that goes beyond the Turk and household chores. I can’t tell people I have an out-of-home job while we’re still here because I’ve already mentioned not being on a bus line, not that people pay enough attention to what I say to remember that. But just in case they do, I’ll get a job when we move.

Normally I will be myself. I don’t tell others how to live and I expect the same from them. Push me, pressure me, hassle me and I back the fuck off. But this may be one small white lie (well, maybe gray) that might be worth it and I don’t see how it could hurt anyone. All it can do is keep people off my ass. They’ll judge me for something else, I know, and still find things to complain about since that’s just how some people are, but homemakers seem to draw a lot more complaints and judgment as opposed to some other things in life.

What “job” shall I pick out for myself, though? I don’t want anything as low as flipping burgers, housekeeping or babysitting, but I obviously can’t be anything too fancy after being a homemaker for a million years. I wouldn’t return to dancing even if I were still young and skinny, so that’s out. So what can I do that’s interesting but reasonable enough with my lack of work history? Hmm… maybe I should just answer phones at a detective agency. :)

Mom just called to say she’s sending a box of clothes. She said she must’ve been out of her mind when she got them and that they vary in size and some still have their tags on, and to give anything I can’t use to Goodwill. Well, I’ll probably just leave it here for Maryann, but that’s very nice of her.

At nearly 79 years of age, it’s still hard to tell how “with it” she is. I can’t always tell if she’s going senile or if she really knows what she’s saying. I know her thinking process is slower, but I still wonder if she’s fully aware of what’s going on and what she’s saying.

I asked if they were moving and she immediately cut me off and said she would not discuss it or the end and that I just have to trust her.

But what is she talking about? What end? And trust her with what?

Dad had said a while back that it was quiet where they live, but she says they hear everything. This is too bad. I thought it was peaceful there, but it’s not unheard of for a place to start off peaceful, then get noisy when the wrong people decide to move in. It always happens to us. Things start off okay, then 4-6 months later the okay neighbors get noisy or move and are replaced with not-so-okay neighbors.

She asked if the landlord would get us a newer trailer, LOL. There’s no room for that, not that Jesse would spring for that or that we could afford it. She said she understood, though, why we want to move and how frustrating the lack of space can be and only having one bathroom.

She asked if I started my teeth yet, but I said we were going to wait till we were insured. Besides, if we deal with that now, that’ll delay the move big time.

Remember the good times and how happy I once was to come out here, she said, and try to avoid having neighbors alongside us and try to stay in the rural areas that I like.

Oh yeah, I told her, it hasn’t all been sour grapes here. We’re just sick of it here. I told her about the mold too, and how we’re going to try to avoid getting too close to people. I don’t think we’ll be able to, though. What we want isn’t exactly going to be this secluded.

If retirement communities are going to be just as bad as the mainstream, though, maybe we ought to just hope to buy a big enough piece of land. All I know is that where there are people there is noise. No one in this world is quiet but us. The only time I’m “noisy” is when I blast my music, but I don’t have to do that. I can be considerate enough to wear headphones. It’s just a shame that so few others are willing to return the same kind of consideration.

I wish I loved noise and people! There’d never be a shortage of nice apartments that even we could afford. Never.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2011 What kind of rat pushes a 3-pound weight? sighs Apparently mine’s one of them. One of the many quirks of this dive includes a bedroom door that won’t stay open. The bathroom door won’t stay closed (unless it’s shut tight) and the bedroom swings shut. So I took advantage of that to keep the rat out of the bedroom by taking a tall enough box he couldn’t jump over and letting the bedroom door close upon it so he couldn’t squeeze around the sides. But sure enough, he could push through the door. I then blocked the door with a 3-pound hand weight and the little booger can still push it open! I guess it’s a real game for him to break through every barrier I set up for him.

The weather’s been shitty but is supposed to start warming up again and drying out in a few days. It’s been cold and rainy. Tom came home with snow all over the top of the car yesterday because it’s been snowing where he works which is 1000’ higher up than here. That’s why we can’t move too close to where he works.

There’s more I could write about, but I have other things to do, so I’ll sign off for now. :)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2011 Ever have one of those times where you just can’t make up your mind as to what you’d do in a certain situation – if it were up to you – and then have something happen to help make up your mind and finalize your decision? Well, what happened yesterday was the final straw. We’re OUTA here first chance we get!

All was perfectly quiet yesterday, so it wasn’t pesky Jesse and his dogs that helped seal my decision, one with which Tom readily agreed. It all started when I went into the closet to get some material to try an idea I had for a new outfit for my Patrice doll and that was yet ANOTHER thing I couldn’t find having to have so much shit jammed in so tightly together thanks to the lack of space here.

I started getting pissed at whatever’s up there that thinks we deserve to live like this when we work just as hard as anyone else and realized that sometimes we can’t always wait for life to come and set us free of a certain situation. Instead, we have to do it ourselves. It’s just going to take a few months and we won’t be able to start working towards it till he’s hired on, but that’s looking more promising than ever based on a conversation he had with one of the long-time bosses at work. He was explaining to Tom that they give you a formal letter asking if you want such and such a position, explaining their benefits and all that when they go to hire you on. He also thinks they may pay more than he first thought, so since they said 5-10 months is when you usually get hired, we can probably move in June, the worst-case scenario being September.

It was the second incident that really reinforced my decision. It’s not just about the lack of space or Jesse and his dogs, it’s about the condition of this old dumpy trailer. We haven’t had as many problems as we could have, but we’ve had enough. I don’t know if I mentioned this but we’ve been having a problem with mold growing on the walls and window sills when it’s rainy, particularly at the bases of it where condensation settles. I’d kill it and it would grow back.

I’d been having a bad feeling about the closet lately and told myself I was just paranoid because we live in a little old shitbox. But when I went to pull out some boxes from against the back wall I discovered this gross, whitish, fuzzy-like fungus growing all over it as well as on some of our shit. I sprayed the holy shit out of it with Lysol and it did kill it, but today I have to pull everything out from floors, drawers and shelves to spray it even more thoroughly and see if any of our stuff got damaged. If anything of significance did, I swear I’ll deduct it from the rent! I don’t think it did, though.

Really, when I saw that shit I said fuck this shit! Something up there may feel we don’t deserve anything better, but I do! And we may never have our own home, but I’ll be damned if I’ll stay here longer than necessary! So unless they lay him off, this is the official beginning of the end.

I loved it at first. After 8 months of being stuffed in a tiny motel room in a seedy part of Sacramento, we were desperate to get out of there and anything seemed like heaven over a motel room. We moved in here in April of 2008 and it was pretty quiet because Whiskey was still a puppy at the time and it was getting hot. Jesse didn’t really start to get on my nerves with the engine gunning till August or September, and the dogs didn’t become a regular problem till he went back to work in November after being put on medical leave for a while. By then we were stuck here as Tom’s unexpected and unwanted 22-month Unemployment trip began.

It’s so funny to think of how disappointed Jesse’s going to be when we do move, LOL. We were good tenants who didn’t ask for much. We didn’t always get what we wanted like when we tried to get him to take responsibility for his own dogs when he’s out, but we never asked for anything unreasonable. So as he’ll know good and well, he may get a repeat of the nightmare that was in here before us. Oh yeah, he had the tenants from hell for a month. They broke into his house, stole his gun and tried to steal his Harley. He had the cops out here and everything. They rented the place to what they thought was a single woman, but she apparently had a naughty boyfriend in tow as well. Even though he has the power to evict, may the next renters drive him crazy as hell!

We’ve simply outgrown this place either way. I am sick to death of it even if it could remain dead quiet forever. It’s not just the big picture, but all the little things I’m sick of. I’m sick of the water problems. I’m sick of old, rusty leaky faucets. I’m sick of having to use something to hold the bedroom door open. I’m sick of how often we get mice in here, though it’s been a while. I’m sick of the lack of kitchen counter space and plugs. I’m sick of how the shelves and cabinets are mostly too high in here. I’m sick of not being able to take a bath because the back of the tub isn’t slanted. I’m sick of the funky cooling system that has no thermostat.

I would really like to have both an AC and a swamp cooler, especially in a REAL house that has a real attic with up ducts for the swamp cooler. And with normal ventilation. The cooler here isn’t fed through any vents, so I can’t close the bedroom door when I’m sleeping during the daytime in the summer, and if I’m sleeping into the night when it’s not that hot, I often wake up cold because the window’s still open which couldn’t be closed before I crashed since it was too warm. If you don’t have up ducts for a cooler, then you have to crack windows. And try not being able to walk all the way around your bed for a few years and see how much you miss it! Having to move the heater just to open the closet door is getting awfully old, too.

And so I have decided that I’m ready to take risks in order to be able to have a decent amount of living space and to be able to set up, use and find things when I want to. Why not? We live on the edge anyway, living paycheck to paycheck, so I figured so what if a bigger place sucks every last dime out of us since we can’t even save here. As long as it’s still somewhat old and noisy we shouldn’t lose it. And that’s just the thing; it’s almost certainly going to be noisier than this. It’s also going to take a hell of a lot bigger deposit to get into the type of place we want than this little dive which only took $175 and the first month’s rent to get into.

I’m no longer worried about Jesse being a bad reference either cuz it hit me – duh – that he’d give any references he may give BEFORE we move and leave him with a few nasty surprises, not after. The new landlord isn’t going to wait till we move in, then call Jesse and ask what kind of people we are that just moved in so Jesse can then tell them how we failed to let him know about the broken heater so we could use portables to heat some of the place and make him foot the bill since he pays the electricity. And the fact that we left the place a mess and had the floor vents taped. When we realized it wasn’t worth having Jesse fix the main heater and that the oven heated the kitchen and living room much more efficiently, we knew this meant there had to be holes in the heating duct and so I taped the vents with clear packing tape. I was going to remove the tape when it started pulling the paint off the grille, so I’ll leave him to have to deal with this.

I’ve decided we shouldn’t have to clean the place when we leave because our deposit is non-refundable. If they want to give us the deposit back, then we’ll clean it, but since I don’t expect they’ll do that I’d like them to use the $175 to clean the place rather than us basically pay them to have us do it.

I not only wish he’d get hired on but could stay there till he retires, though that may not be very realistic. Almost all jobs will fire you or lay you off if you stay there long enough.

I just can’t wait to escape this place! I wanted to live here comfortably till we bought a place but in 500 moldy square feet? I don’t think so! And I still don’t think we’ll ever get to buy a place. I’m so ready to go that if we get a bigger place and then have to kill ourselves a few months later cuz they lay him off and we want to escape homelessness, I’d rather that and die sooner in a comfortable place than live a long life in a piece of shit like this!

It was nice to wake up smiling, knowing we have a plan in mind. looks up the hill towards Jesse’s place Yeah, smile asshole. :) Your days with us fine folks are numbered!:)

Later…

I’m already tiring down yet I still have so much to do. Part of it is this dreary weather and the fact that I barely slept 6 hours last night since I was all excited about moving in a few months.

It’s cold and rainy, but there’s not much wind. Tom said there sure was a couple of nights ago. He said the whole place shook and he was surprised I slept through it. Yesterday wasn’t as wet as they said it would be. Even the jackrabbits didn’t think so since a baby jackrabbit went hopping by at one point.

Eileen emailed me last night asking if I’d been to our mailbox lately, but nope. Tom stopped before work today so whatever she sent – a Valentine’s card? – will be brought home with him after work.

Got a message from Maliheh last night. A blood vessel in her eye is leaking and it’s been messing up her vision which sucks. We exchanged emails today too, and I let her know we’re fed up here and why.

I used up the entire can of Lysol we had so I have to wait till Tom gets home to spray the other corner of the closet. I left Tom a message to grab another can on his way in. He’s stopping at the store for soda and a few other things. I ain’t putting back in that damn closet nearly as much as I took out of it! The shelf and drawers, thank God, are okay.

I find it hard to believe Jesse didn’t know this occurs in the winter and couldn’t have at least warned us as he warned us about the poison oak. Didn’t he live here at one point before he moved into his house? Besides, other tenants would’ve said something about it, wouldn’t they? We’re lucky we didn’t get really sick and so is he! More reason not to feel bad about any mess we may leave behind. I’ve never seen anything like this before. Not even back east. I’ve also never lived in an old trailer before either.

God, things are going to take forever now! Unless he does get a huge raise, us having to save up the deposit money to move is going to really delay other things. I need new glasses and of course there’s still this dentist I’m just not meant to ever see.

Wish I knew last summer that it was our last July, then our last August, though if I had known it probably would’ve scared the shit out of me, not knowing it wasn’t because we were going to buy the house we’ll never have in 2012, but back to rental-hopping instead. I would’ve thought it was because we’d run out of money and had to off ourselves.

But so begins “the last” everything and the “I will never agains.” This is our last February in this dump. I will never again clean anything of theirs unless it’s for our own comfort (dusting the blinds, wiping the top of the refrigerator).

I am so mad at God above for doing this to us. Or for at least allowing it to happen. Why are we living like bums and still having to struggle so often at our ages while some 20-year-olds live better than we do and will never know a day in their life of struggling or living in old bummy places?

The excitement I feel of moving on, even if it won’t exactly be to peaceful paradise, helps balance out some of the anger. I’m not excited, though, about escaping these dogs since I know I’ll only have to listen to others wherever we end up. I’m just excited to escape this damn trailer.

I’d love to coat Jesse some pork chops in dirt and fry him French fries in motor oil like Andy and I joked, but he and Maryann will get something else instead. :) How about a nasty piece of my mind? Yeah, I might even tip them off as to my blog, LOL, but not till we’re out of here and it’s safe to do so.

I hope we get to get out of the roofing expedition. Last year he said he wanted to redo this roof “next year.” But it is next year. Oh God, please let us out of having to deal with that, too!

I know it’s just a dream like in the dream I had, but I wish we could get a 2-story house so I could run up and down the stairs for exercise. Then I wouldn’t need a treadmill.

There are some gorgeous houses selling for just 34k in Arizona. That’s cheaper than here, not that I’d ever move back to such a fucked up state. Arizona’s become a very dangerous place to be and there are more houses and fewer jobs than there are here, so that’s why it’s so cheap.

It’s been dead quiet today. Hmm…a sign that the end of our time here is near, or a sign of the rain? I’ve noticed that for some reason it’s either quiet or not overly noisy whenever I first move into a place. Then 4-6 months later it gets noisy, and in the last few months, it gets better. It’s a weird coincidence, alright.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2011 It’s raining like crazy now. Yay, they pulled the snow off the forecast!

I wish I’d hear from Nane more often, but I’m finding lately that when I do I quickly get bored with her. I guess she (and this is totally understandable) prefers those she can see in person.

Molly created yet another Facebook profile which I ran and blocked as soon as Kim alerted me to it. The first thing Molly does is try to add her and everyone else that doesn’t want anything to do with her, though believe it or not, I don’t think she’s aware of my Facebook profile because she’s never contacted me there. She contacts me everywhere else, so why wouldn’t she there too, if she knew how?

When and if he ever gets hired on, assuming we could still afford it, it’s going to be tough deciding whether or not to stay or go. I want to do both. I know we’re always going to have to hear something no matter where we go since we’re simply not allowed to live in peace. It’s just not in our cards. But some places are obviously worse than others which may seem quieter at first. You can move in with good neighbors who turn around and move a few months later only to be replaced with the neighbors from hell. And what if the neighbor’s barking dogs don’t respond to me yelling at them to shut up like these do even if it’s only for a while?

I’d hate to give up this kind of seclusion and privacy and don’t want to go back to where people may come to our door, or where there are other sources of noise that can be unpredictable. Here I pretty much know there’s going to be loud vehicles and barking and I pretty much know when, too. I also know that as annoying as Jesse can be, he’s going to be flexible next time we hit a rough patch and have to split the rent.

But if we move – yes, bigger would be nicer – we could be taking a real gamble. I’m tired as hell of being stuffed in this bummy old trailer. I miss being in a real house. God, do I miss it! But I’ve seen enough of a pattern to know that the nicer/quieter a place is the more likely we are to lose it. In order to get even a small house that’s still bigger than this, it would cost us $300 - $500 more and I’d hate to take risks like that and have every last dime go into the place. What if he were ever laid off again?

It’s going to be a seriously tough decision to make assuming we ever get to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and have some say in the matter. Barking and loud vehicles are bad enough. And while I’d love an extra room and an extra half-bath, I don’t want to go back to adding the car stereos and the screaming kids into the mix either.

Funny how I worried we’d lose this place back when he was on Unemployment when the real case is that we’re stuck here. Better to be stuck somewhere than without a place, but I should’ve figured as much. When have we ever lost a place we didn’t like or at least didn’t care much for? I tell you, only the good places are hard to stay in! So bigger may not necessarily be better.

I don’t see how Tom can think “it’s over” as far as our poor spells go when we’ve had so damn many. If we went 3-5 years without any problems then I’d think the pattern was finally broken, but that’s not how it usually works. And him having the same job for the rest of his life may be unrealistic to hope for, too. Almost everyone eventually gets fired or laid off from their jobs if they stay there long enough.

Either way, no need for more than 2 bedrooms because I have to have the stereo in the bedroom cuz the sound machines aren’t loud enough for sleeping. If Jesse didn’t exist, they would be, but he does. And if we were in a retirement community or on our own 5-10 acres, they would be there too, but again, this is pure fantasy. I know that the sooner I accept this, the easier my life will be. We just gotta roll with the punches and deal with what fate throws at us. In our case, it’s old bummy rentals that can get noisy at times. Few more years and we’ll be renting longer than we’ve owned.

All pros and cons and risks aside, I had an interesting dream about a house that was very quick, but very vivid. It left me feeling like it meant something, and even though it was just for a few seconds, I saw a lot in those few seconds.

It appeared to be a 2-story house which doesn’t make sense as vivid as it was and despite the “feeling” it left me with. I don’t see how we could afford a 2-story, and 2-stories are rather scarce in the West. They’re much more common in the East, especially in New England.

I couldn’t tell the age or the condition of the place, but it seemed to be a squarish-shaped house, not overly big, and perhaps with 2 bedrooms, though I never “saw” the upstairs. I got the feeling it may’ve been a tooth house, closely set to others. I seemed to be sitting at a wide, but shallow desk in front of my computer which was in front of a staircase. The living room stretched out behind me. The kitchen was to my right and there may’ve been another room off the right of the kitchen. I don’t know if it had a cellar, but I’d guess not. Again, that’s not too common out west. I looked toward the front door in front of the stairs. It had a half-moon window at the top of it. From where I sat, I could see the top of some kind of overhang or porch. The sun was setting. I thought to myself that if someone were tall enough, they could stand out there and watch us at night and we’d never know it but wasn’t worried about it.

At first I thought it made no sense to have my computer set up in the living room, but yeah, it kind of does when I think about it. I don’t need both my computers together anymore since we’ve gone wireless, so I could have the computer in the living room while the stereo and laptop were in the bedroom. And a wide shallow desk is exactly what I have.

Later…

The rain will keep Jesse from doing any projects on the land today, but the dogs are going to go crazy once he leaves.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2011 Miss Langley was a two-time visitor yesterday but has been behaving by remaining quiet. I hope she knows that she can look, but she can’t talk. I have no desire to hear from her. If I do and it’s in a threatening way, I will feed her IP# and info to my local authorities. They will then contact the proper authorities up in Canada and she will be dealt with accordingly. If she feels the need to tell me a third time how selfish I am by keeping a journal, I will disable the anonymous comments at which time she’ll have to join MyOpera to tell me that a fourth time.

People have asked me about Miss Langley and just what kind of a bug up her ass I think she may have. Well, I may be intuitive and good at reading people for the most part, but I’m not perfect, so here’s my best guess. I think it’s a she, probably around my age or older. I think she’s a control freak who wants things done her way and she tries to push those ways on others. I hope she has no kids. I really do!

My only guesses as to why they started harassing me (since I don’t know anyone personally in Canada that I’m aware of) was because they either perceived my blog as nasty competition, or they truly feel it’s their “calling” in life to get people to stop journaling publicly in which case I’m probably not the only one they’ve harassed. They started bookmarking me so that makes me think they don’t have their own Opera account. If they did they’d jump into my blog from their own. So I’m just one of those who needs to get out there and help people in their minds, and by God, they’re gonna be the ones to tell me so, LOL.

But anyone who really knows me knows that I hate doing for others. The more I care for someone the more I’ll do for them. But I learned the hard way a long time ago that one’s kindness has a way of being taken advantage of. I have helped and have given to people who just wanted more and more and more from me till I finally put my foot down. Even my own MIL took advantage of us and screwed us out of thousands of dollars. So I’m careful about who I help. I don’t mind stooping down to pick up the change an old lady may drop in front of me at the register, and I would certainly open my home and my possessions to my closest friends, but that’s pretty much where I draw the line. I will give feedback, advice and opinions to those who want it too, but I’m not going to do for just anyone and end up being shit on for it.

Enough of this loser and onto more important things. Andy’s 49 today, Nane’s ignoring me, and the hair, skin and nails vitamins I started a few days ago seem to be softening my skin and hair nicely. I got a 2-month supply at Walmart for $5.

The birthday boy’s gonna have himself a hell of a laugh when he sees they’re predicting snow for us this Thursday. But it’s fucking mid-February and not that northern Cal!!! Please, please, please let them be wrong!!! I don’t mind the wind and the rain since it’s been over a month since it’s rained, but snow?!?! Please, none of that evil snow!!!!!!! I was really looking forward to escaping snow altogether this year even if it usually only snows 1 day a year and for 5 minutes.

We’re officially in the 400s! Just 499 days till we get our pension fund unless God is planning another cruel money tease on us. I hope not!

Maliheh’s been visiting my blog more often again ever since I told her The Netherlands and Ohio stole the lead from her on views. :)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2011 I miss having a Bowflex home gym. Better yet I miss my Bowflex body. I don’t want to just look fit. I want to look MEAN. :)

Earrings still irritate my bad ear and the lobe is “curling” upward with age. Just what did I do to piss God off so bad in my mother’s womb that He felt I should be born with this shit???

I’m not sure who I wanted to kill more Saturday night – Jesse for not taking responsibility for his own fucking dogs when he’s out, or the dogs themselves for driving me crazy. I’m wondering if he spent the night somewhere because the barking had started by the time I got up at 6pm, and occurred on and off till after midnight. When it finally stopped I wasn’t sure if it was because he came home and by some miracle, I never heard him, or if the dogs were simply too exhausted to bark anymore after so many hours of barking.

Then early yesterday morning when I was hanging out sheets, they started again and I thought it weird that he’d leave that early on a Sunday and that I didn’t hear him. Tom told me he heard the motorcycle come in while I was asleep, but never heard it leave. So I’m wondering if he left on the motorcycle before I got up Saturday evening and didn’t return till Sunday afternoon. If he did, I hope he won’t make this a regular thing. God, I’m sick of this shit everywhere I go!

Some of Andy’s answers had me cracking up on Formspring and I liked how he suggested I coat my pork chops in dirt instead of shake-n-bake and serve them to Jesse, LOL.

Nane and I had been playing a color guessing game, but I never did learn her favorite color. Oh well. I guess she got bored chatting with me.

Alison’s feedback on a consensual but not totally consensual rape scene between Nane and “Tesla” in my book was very positive. She’s had the same fantasy too, and I don’t think I could be so bold as to share such intense content if it weren’t for her. That’s what she says about me, too.

Maliheh and I chatted for a while before she crashed. As always, I enjoy our chats. I asked if she thought we’d ever see each other again. I was pleased, and even a bit surprised, that she said she didn’t know. I thought she’d say probably not.

No Canadian trolls or Molly views, but someone in Savannah, GA viewed my blog. Molly has a friend there and they specifically searched for me. So is that what the troll does when she has her mother block sites for her; have her friends spy on people for her?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2011 My latest troll is back, so I saw a couple of entries ago when they again insisted I give up this blog and go help someone, and that I should use all the time I spend writing about myself to do something “good.”

But they keep coming back to read more, so they must be one of those “losers” who cares. After all, they’re the ones who say only losers care to read my journal. And they claim I ONLY talk about myself yet I’ve also discussed Tom, Maliheh, Andy, Nane and others.

And if talking an 18-year-old suicidal girl out of cutting herself isn’t “helping” someone, what is? This was on another site, but yeah, she was a cutter and has eating disorders. I told her I’ve been there. It was many years ago, but as I later learned, cutting myself was stupid, pointless and not worth it. So was jumping out a window and breaking my arm. I went through a whole lotta pain for nothing. It wasn’t my arm that was the problem, so taking it out on myself was stupid. She got engrossed in one of my stories instead of cutting herself that night. :)

Maybe they’ll eventually have the guts to say who they are since they obviously can’t stay away from me. They were here on the 22nd of last month, too. I was going to piss them off by disabling anonymous comments, but nah. We’ll play their game a while longer unless they keep boring me with the same shit over and over again. Or decide my journal’s no longer fascinating enough to read and disappear.

My first thought when I checked my stats was that they were either flying under radar or an overwrite. If someone checks my blog at 9am, then again at noon, the 9am visit is overwritten. Unless I’m there to check stats between 9am - noon, I wouldn’t know they were in earlier. The closest visitor is 1 hour and 1 minute off, and it’s someone I know who wouldn’t do such a thing. They also don’t write as well as this person. This person is obviously a good speller and uses proper punctuation/capitalization. So first I thought it was someone who avoided detection (and yes, that can be done) or coming in under a proxy that was either Stacey or Molly-related, but my best guess is that they’re just a stranger who thinks it’s their job to police the internet and tell people how they should spend their time. Especially since if they’re who I think they are, they came in from my other journal. If I’m right, they left the comment, then returned almost 5 hours later no doubt to see if they’d get a response. They’re in Langley, British Columbia, Canada.

Am I right, troll? Then again, why should I trust anything you might tell me?

Anyway, I crashed right before they came in the first time to leave their wonderful comment, and didn’t get up for several hours after their last visit.

I also got a similar comment on Blogger, but I don’t think it was the same person, though they did come in from Opera. This other person didn’t write as well and I have no visitors there from Canada. Blogger doesn’t give as detailed stats as Opera. It only gives countries and referrers. No states, cities, providers or IPs.

I’m still going with them escaping detection or being in Canada and someone I don’t know despite the fact that they almost write as if they do know me. It’s like they’re taking what I say personally as if I’ve actually written things about them that they don’t like and are trying to deter me from blogging publicly, but it’s not going to happen, of course. I do what I myself want to do and not what others think I should do. If they in fact do know me and have a problem with anything in particular I may’ve said, they can feel free to let me know, but I am who I am and I do what I do. If you don’t like it, don’t read my blog. No one’s ever obligated or forced to read it in any way, and I don’t have to read anyone else’s stuff either if I don’t want to. So anyone who’s bored or offended by my blog is invited to leave. :)

But nothing that came in since I crashed looks “proxyish.” Proxies don’t usually assign bogus referrers. Bogus locations, IPs and providers, yes, but not bogus referral sites. A proxy referrer will usually just say “bookmark or direct hit.” If they came in on a search term through a proxy it should say “no search terms entered.”

I had to laugh at the part about how much time I spend writing about myself. Wow, lots of time since I can type almost as fast as I can think, huh? I spend a helluva lot more time on my stories than on reality. It takes more time to think up bullshit than it does to simply state the facts.

Maybe the coward will get up the balls to come forward out of the shadows and identify themselves. I don’t bite. :)

My other troll is back, too. Molly. :( Yeah, I knew that her vowing to stop bothering and spying on her “former friends” as she claimed on another site (not that I was ever a friend) would only last a few days.

I love how Maliheh, who’s sick again, unfortunately, and lost a lot of money to Crapple, wants to kick their ass. It’s funny and definitely flattering to know she’d go to bat for me if she could, LOL.

Later…

Welcome back, Miss Langley, British Columbia, Canada. Yeah, my MyOpera blog knows who you are, even if it can’t exactly narrow down your gender (though you write like a she). It even knows you love to read about me talking about myself so damn much that now you’ve got me bookmarked. Too bad you didn’t have anything to say about it tonight when you visited at 11:38, you chicken shit!

As my pork chops bake in the oven on a night filled with a horrendous amount of barking I’ll report on yesterday’s little shopping spree. Well, it wasn’t that little at $220, even if most of it was groceries.

We left for Walmart at 4am and I was sorry I didn’t take a light jacket. I was fine in the car, but walking too and from it was rather chilly at just 50º. It warmed up to 66º later on and I woke up at 6pm to a 78º bedroom. Mmm… toasty. :) Ah, but the misery will be returning soon. :( Monday through Wednesday’s supposed to be rainy and cold in the low 50s and upper 40s. We shouldn’t freeze anymore this year, but we’ll come close in a few nights from now. For the most part, we’re able to do away with the heat between 9-11 am – 9-11 pm.

I didn’t get any dolls or stuffed animals, but there was a stuffed animal I really liked. I just didn’t think it was worth $20.

At the store, I got a gorgeous “diamond” necklace and matching earring set that I can’t believe was only $10. Thanks to my folks sending that necklace the rat keeps trying to sabotage I’m getting into jewelry. They make it so much more shiny and colorful than they used to, so there I was for the first time in probably over a decade, helping myself. I also got a set of 6 tiny gemstone earrings in different colors which included 3 silver stud earrings in different sizes. This was just $5.

I got some resistance bands for exercising, and a miniature bottle of White Shoulders perfume, one of my longtime faves.

Lastly, we got a much-needed shower curtain and bathmat. We bleached our old plastic one to kill the mildew and it made little holes in it. It was time for something new anyway. I got a solid white curtain instead of the designs I usually get, but this one’s way cool because it’s not plastic. It’s sort of like a nylon material and will be much easier to wash because it’s not as stiff. It also has built-in hooks which make it easier to take down and put up.

The bathmat is a pretty shade of light pink. It’s plush enough to be absorbent, but not overly plush like our old shaggy lavender one that stayed wet forever. I like the rubber backing this one has, too. Tom knows that if he gets just one drop of dye on it when he goes to dye his hair like he does every other week, somebody will be quick to strangle him. :)

Alison said that if Molly doesn’t spy on or harass people it’s not because she’s busy or has any willpower, but because she has her mother block those sites for her. OMG, that’s so funny. Sad, but funny that some people have to be “forced” to behave and not bother people.

Talked to Maliheh earlier, but not for long. The poor girl had a headache.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2011 Got up at 5pm, let the rat run around for an hour or so before Tom crashed, and now the night belongs to me, myself and I to do whatever. :) Well, I still gotta do some work, LOL.

Andy and I have been having fun on Formspring. One of his friends and I were Formspringing each other, too. They’re all big Stevie Nicks fans. I’m not as big of a fan as they are, but I do like some of her songs and Fleetwood Mac’s.

Molly hasn’t viewed my blog in days. It’s a miracle. A real miracle. I don’t expect it to last forever, though. I know all good things come to an end. But for now, it’s nice because even though my blog is public, it was a bit unnerving to have someone I don’t want a damn thing to do with view it dozens or even hundreds of times a day.

According to Tom, people at work are saying that when the rain stops and it dries out in springtime here, it leaves behind a lot of molds that turn into spores. When it’s windy like it was the other day, the spores get stirred up and blown around, causing allergy attacks like what I had a couple of days ago. My chest muscles are still sore from all that sneezing.

El Cocko took off a couple of hours ago and left me to have to deal with the barking. It’s not as consistent as it used to be when he’d take off at 4am, but still, if it’s your dog why should I have to hear it? Well, let’s put it this way - if we ever have a dog of our own and it’s barking its ass off when we’re out somewhere, I’m not going to feel the least bit sorry for those around us. :)

Oh, good. I think I hear Mr. Not Gonna Take Responsibility for my Own Damn Dogs When I’m Out’s truck roaring up the drive now. Or maybe not. Get back here you fucker!

I was really hoping he was settling into some kind of a predictable schedule so I could know when I could count on getting some peace, but I guess he doesn’t have much of a schedule after all. All I know is that he tends to be noisier in the mornings and that he better get his ass back tonight so I can watch a movie later on in peace. I always worry he’s gone somewhere overnight when it’s coming up on 8:00 and he’s still not back. When I heard him leave at 6:00 I thought he was just bringing his kid home and that he’d be right back. What is it, Friday night in his mind?

Okay, now it’s back for sure. So let’s see… I’ll be up till around 9am so that means I can have at least 11 hours of peace – yes!

Haven’t heard from Maliheh since Saturday, but that is okay. We know each other so well now that there’s just not much to say, LOL.

Later…

I swear I heard his truck come in a while ago. So then why are there still scattered fits of barking? sighs Why don’t I just keep the damn sound machines on all fucking night and forget about the nighttime being the peaceful time it usually is around here. Unless it’s raining or hot, the days are hit or miss. So it sucks when I can’t at least count on the nights being quiet.

Went back to thoughts.com but didn’t tell anyone. On her profile page there, Molly has a big announcement – I’ve stopped going to MyOpera and Formspring and bothering my former friends.

Now let’s see how long it lasts, not that I was ever a friend of hers.

Anyway, after I figured out their latest version (which will change any time now) I decided it’s got enough cool features and so I stopped blogging at OpenDiary and started there. I just hope Maliheh doesn’t find out about it, though I don’t think she will. It’s just that I’m a little more detailed over there than I am on Opera and talk about things I don’t always talk about on Opera because there I have not so much an unbiased crowd, but one that doesn’t have anyone in it that I know. It’s really only Maliheh I don’t want to know about it because her feelings are important to me. I know she wouldn’t want me writing about her, but figure that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. This way I can still “be myself” in my own journal but not upset her. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Kim and Aly stumbled upon it, but I’d rather they go to Opera where I can see them on the visitors’ list. Thoughts.com only has a hit counter. I can see where one would get a lot more viewers there, though, than on Opera.

Later…

Andy’s currently 50º colder, LOL, the poor guy!

I still can’t believe how huge and ugly Kim is, the poor girl. You know what that means. Yup. I can have aaalll the attention I want from her. She’s so big her cheeks practically rest upon her shoulders. I don’t see how she can get around and function carrying all that weight. There was a picture of her with a hoodie on, and with that and her glasses which are just as oversized as her face, she looks almost comical. I feel bad for her. Then again, do I really? I still say that anyone who lets themselves get that big can’t care all that much about their weight. Losing weight is hard having to deal with a hunger that pretty much never ends even if you do get a little “used” to dieting, but still, there’s no excuse for being that fat.

Later…

I just turned on the sound machines again, this time quite loud since I know Jesse might start up that fucking truck of his any minute now, idle it for 10 minutes, rev the engine, turn it off, then do it all again 15 minutes later as part of his strange morning ritual. Is he hoping to wake everyone up on this side of the mountain?

And is the grass really greener on the other side of it? I think not. And therefore I think today’s the day I shall give up my dream of owning a modest home somewhere and let my dream remain just what it is – a dream. The word must exist in the English dictionary for a reason, right?

Think about it, I told myself earlier. When have you ever really turned a dream into reality?

I’ve met a lot of goals in life and had a lot of fun experiences and surprises come my way. It’s not like it’s been all downhill for me or that I’m “giving up.” I’m just trying to be realistic. Some people really do get their dreams, though. Some people get to have the kid they once thought they wanted. Some people get to have the careers they once wanted. Some people get to have the women (or men) they want, even if it’s just a lust thing.

But whenever I’m so lucky as to come close to achieving a dream, something up there takes away whatever I obtain. Except for Tom, I seem to lose all things good. Maricopa became a very bad and dangerous place to live. Arizona may have a lot of problems as a whole, but losing our house and land like we did really hurt and it still does, even if, as Tom pointed out, something up there was also looking out for us in a twisted kind of way.

Then we lost our land in Oregon and our dream to build our own home. Again, it was so damn cold and snowy up there that that too, worked out for the better. But see the pattern there? I surely see it. Even if we could buy a house right now, I’d only worry about losing it all the time, especially if it wasn’t an old, ugly noisy dump. It seems the more I like a place the easier it is to lose it. It’s safer to just stay renting someone else’s tiny little dumpy trailer and to just put up with the annoying landlord and dogs that go with it. I wonder if it was actually foolish of me to think we’d be forced to choose between homelessness and death back when we were on Unemployment and I was worried the benefits would run out before he got a job, knowing that I just can’t seem to lose the places that aren’t on the top of my list. This isn’t a bad town or a bad place to live. But it’s not ours, Jesse and his dogs drive me crazy at times, the place is old and we have shit for space. I’m a super organized and neat person yet often it’s hard to find things in here because we have to have so much stuff jammed into such a tiny space because there’s simply no room to spread it out. I have to move 20 things just to get to one thing most of the time. I have to pick and choose what I want and where when it comes to the big stuff because there’s no room to have more than one thing in a certain area. If the rat cage and computer desk are by the back wall of the living room, then the couch can’t be in that area, too.

I miss having space and a more modern place to live, but that’s just not meant to be in our case. Would we have had to rent little dumps like we’ve had to do since 2004 if this wasn’t how we were meant to live?

So I will give up my dream – and that’s exactly what it is – and just forget about buying a place. Buying new furniture, picking out our own carpet – that’s just a dream. Hell, I couldn’t even get the carpet I wanted when we bought our last place. I wanted champagne pink, not denim blue. But the manufactured home company didn’t have my goddamn champagne pink carpet.

looks down at what’s someone else’s stained coffee-colored carpet and sighs Dreams are dreams, reality is reality.

It’s been over a year now since I last heard from Mary (no sense in calling her Sabrina anymore online). Inmates are often encouraged – make that threatened – not to associate with anyone who’s ever been in jail before, and so I suspect that’s why I stopped hearing from her. She’s not the type to just dump people, and if she is, then wow. She had me fooled. Whatever the reason is doesn’t matter. I was just thinking of her and how horrible her pre-jail/prison life was. Much worse than my worst of times in many ways. If something up there doesn’t like me, it sure as hell hates the shit out of her. It has in the past anyway. I just hope she’s okay and that she really is released this summer like I heard she would be. And that she succeeds and is happy and doesn’t go back to the bad boys and baby-popping thing. It was all she knew; to fall for abusive guys and to “collect” kids.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2011 Thanks to yesterday’s 18-hour sneezing fit, my diaphragm muscles are sore as hell. I feel like someone took a bat to my ribcage, but that sure beats non-stop sneezing hour after hour.

Swapped messages again with a rather tipsy Nane. LOL, I still don’t know what to make of Fräulein Nane. She kind of gives me mixed messages. She’s clearly stated directly and not that she’s attracted to me, but sometimes acts like she isn’t and like she only likes guys. But I asked her again, just to be sure, and she said that yes, she has indeed been with women before. Good. The last thing I want to do is flirt with a straighty as I like to give them the same respect I want people to give me. We really don’t flirt much, though. Just a passing thought or compliment here and there, but nothing like what used to transpire between my former Italian “girlfriend.” We didn’t just flirt, LOL. No, we went way beyond that. We talked dirty.

I wonder if she’s an alcoholic based on how often she mentions getting drunk. She drank a whole bottle of champagne because something “weird” was happening. I guess she had a friend who went down to Libya a year ago to work. They kept in touch weekly, but then the guy started acting weird and she stopped hearing from him. She thought he was dead. Then she got a message from him saying he’d been in jail, and so now she’s all confused and not sure what to think. He had gotten a touch of “Lagerkoller.”

Either way, I could tell she was kind of out of it. She knows I spell my name with an I yet spelled it with a y, told me to see a homeopathic for my “skin” allergies which I told her before were really sinus allergies, and invited me to this concert in Munich 3 times, LOL.

She was telling me that while her English isn’t too bad, she prefers to communicate in her own language, isn’t much of a writer, and prefers speaking with people face to face, seeing their gestures and looking into their eyes.

This I understand as most people seem to hate to write. And yeah, her English isn’t too bad, though she makes some funny mistakes at times like when she said doctors “describe” medicine, LOL.

What does my rat not understand about the word “no?” Every chance he gets he makes a grab for my necklace and tries to either chew or pull it off, that little devil. Plus I so stupidly left a bag of trash sitting on the kitchen floor which he chewed through. I found him happily gnawing on an empty sugar packet before he could make too much of a mess.

He’s hilarious whenever one of us goes into the kitchen. He comes running in to beg at our feet. He stands on my foot and hugs my ankle. He definitely can’t keep his mouth off of anything for long, LOL. He even tries to chew on my fingernails. Something I’m sure those who are creeped out by rats would love to imagine.

Because I was sick yesterday I couldn’t do much more than update my journal and watch movies. And I couldn’t even get through the whole movie. So I’m going to finish it, then it’s back to work.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I couldn’t resist. I called two numbers Stacey works at (she manages a storage company, too) and let my electronic reader read her the part of my journal where I last wrote about her on her voicemail, LMAO.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2011 “It’s not mine,” I said with annoyance thick in my voice.

“But isn’t that your handbag?” some anonymous lady asked me.

“It’s identical to mine, yes, but it can’t be mine based on its contents. What would I be doing with rubber duckies and stuffed tarantulas in my handbag?” I shouted in my dreams last night as I frantically tried to pick my handbag out of the dozens that were present.

Yeah, I had strange dreams last night. I didn’t seem to know Tom and was living in the second house I grew up in with my folks. I attended some kind of musical or play and had placed my handbag with all the other women’s handbags in this odd-looking coat room before going into the auditorium. After the performance, my handbag was missing and I was not only pissed but worried about my checking account and the hassles that would go with having to get a new ID and all that.

In the next scene, I was walking around outside. I don’t know what state (or even what planet) I was in but I found this hidden little piece of beach and I ran home all excited to tell my mother all about finding the perfect little slice of beach to hang out at.

In the last dream, I had my own apartment and I went to call “Nervous” even though he’s dead, LOL, and he kept saying he couldn’t hear me. He said, “Don’t you have an amplifier to hook up to your phone?”

On the verge of tears I said, “No, it’s gone. Everything’s gone!”

My allergies really gave me hell today. I was determined not to take a Benadryl so I wouldn’t get all groggy, but I broke down and took one after a couple of hours of sneezing. So now I’ll be pretty out of it and useless throughout the night, unable to do much more than watch movies and waste time. I’m just not in the mood to work on my story or study languages. My mouth is so dry now from taking the stuff, along with snorting up my snot spray.

Andy finally got his own Formspring account, so that’s cool. We’ve been having fun playing around there.

I had a nice chat with Nane, but haven’t talked to Maliheh in a few days. While Nane is very sweet, I still get the feeling she’s – IDK – reserved a bit. Like she suspects I have some hidden motive for wanting to be her friend. Especially since she said I was so nice to her and she wondered why in her last email of the day to me before she went to bed. Really, though, she’s just an attractive, friendly woman who’s interesting to talk to.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2011 I have been formally invited by Nane to go with her to see a Turkish grunge band play in Munich, LOL. Yeah, I’ll just run halfway around the world and join her! All joking aside, I would if I could so long as it wasn’t snowing.

It started off with me sending an email saying that unless she’s just been too busy to read my book, she totally has my permission to tell me it sucks if that’s the case and that the manuscript ought to be used as toilet paper. That made her laugh, she said. She was just about to go to bed when she got the message and so I didn’t wait around for her to reply to my reply because I wasn’t expecting one. But when I finally got around to getting it she said she’s been sick, busy and planning her next trip to Morocco and so she hasn’t had time to read it yet.

I told her I hated to travel but that we might still take the Italy trip I won, and she said don’t cancel that trip! She said there are more exotic places than Rome, but she was in Rome two years ago and really loved it. Venice is nice too, she added.

If we ever do make it to Italy I’m hoping we can meet up with her at some point there. I let her know I’d give her all the hotel info as soon as I get it, and maybe she can drop down from Germany, though I doubt I’ll ever see anyone worth seeing that I’d like to see. Still, it’d be nice to try to line things up. Especially since she’s a travel fanatic who travels 4 or 5 times a year.

She said she can’t understand why anyone would hate to travel but that’s for me to know and her to find out. Well, it’s simple. I’ve always found traveling to be a hectic pain in the ass, and having a sleep disorder doesn’t help at all.

Either way, the possibility of seeing her, Paul and Marilena helps make the idea of a trip to Europe not seem so bad, and it motivates me to keep bettering my German and Italian. But there are no guarantees. If we can’t get the time for it, then we just won’t make it.

The rat’s taking a “track nap.” Lately, he likes to lie along the track of the slider up against the glass. He’s been banned from the bathroom again for chewing behind the toilet.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2011 Another warm day in the low 70s. Wish it could last, but know it won’t. All good things come to an end. So tomorrow it will drop 5º, then another 10º the next day. I don’t know why. There are no storms on the horizon. Except for a wet December, it’s been a very dry winter overall.

I chatted with Maliheh a couple of times yesterday. She was in the orphanage till she was a year old. That’s pretty sad to think that no one gave a shit and that no one wanted her for a whole year of her life. It was bad enough to think no one that could’ve helped her gave a damn when she was homeless, but to be a baby left all alone in an orphanage with no one to care – that’s bad. That’s really bad.

She doesn’t even know her exact date of birth. The orphanage didn’t have that information so her mother chose May 13th because it was her father’s birthday. It was Tom’s dad’s, too. And Michael M, my high school music teacher I was once so into whom another student managed to snag.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2011 Here I am on what I expect will turn out to be a very boring Saturday. I just don’t feel like doing much of anything other than what needs to be done like the laundry. It’s a beautiful day of 73º out there so it’s ideal for hanging clothes, especially the heavy stuff like jeans and towels.

My allergies don’t appreciate that it’s springtime so I had to take a Benadryl which will probably knock me out for a while.

After Tom got home yesterday I told him of my strange discussion with my mother. He thinks that because she’s old she misunderstood me and that while she can think just fine, it takes her time to think. And so if I talk too fast she can’t keep up with me. He thinks she thinks I was saying we might move to Florida soon, not when he retires in about 12 years, and just like I don’t want company pestering me every week, neither does she, and that’s why she was trying to deter me. And they’re not moving either, he says.

Nah, I think she got it. She may not be big on company any more than I am and they may not be moving, but I think she got it. I just don’t get what it is they’ve come to dislike about Florida, but it doesn’t matter because if there’s something bad about it it may not necessarily be a problem 12 years from now. So we won’t write Florida off completely. If ever the time comes when it’s possible to move there, that will be the time to really do our homework. Not now.

“I’m not saying she’s senile, but Alzheimer’s runs in your family,” Tom also added, and this is true. My grandfathers died suddenly of heart attacks, but my grandmothers were both flat out of their minds in the end. One screamed that she didn’t want me to get what she had when I visited her one last time in the nursing home she was in, another kept waking me up every hour insisting it was time to go to work when I spent the night with her shortly before she died.

Despite our past differences, it’s so sad to see them grow old and know they don’t even have a decade left to live. I know that regardless of every bad decision they ever made pertaining to me if my father had to kill someone to save my life even if it meant spending his final days in prison, he would do it. Just like my mother would refuse to treat a deadly disease she may acquire if she knew it would save me.

They swore they’d never let themselves become dependent on their kids, which is understandable, but that’s sometimes easier said than done. Wondering what will become of them in the end is a sad thought, but one I can’t seem to escape lately. Maybe that’s why I don’t like to talk to them more than once a month or so; because it only leaves me feeling sad and there’s just no way to avoid it as it is. My mother may’ve been a bitch for most of her life, but it’s still sad to see her wither away.

Thoughts of death have my mind flashing back to 1985 when I overheard my mother talking on the phone just 6 months after Pa died. Most people call their grandparents grandma and grandpa, but for us, it was Nana and Papa, or just Nan and Pa. For Tammy’s kids, it’s Bubby and Zadie which is Hebrew.

“Art, we have to go over to my mother’s now,” Ma was telling the person. “Why, he asked. Because something’s wrong, I told him.”

I listened as she explained that the storm door was locked and he had to smash his way in. My mother, who had waited in the car, didn’t need to ask him if she was gone when he returned to the car. His face said it all.

Nana was a bitch too, unlike her husband, and no one cried as hard at her funeral, but it was still a sad time laying her next to Pa in Beth Israel Cemetery that cold November day in Springfield.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2011 I called my parents back and this time my mom answered. She sounded horrible at first and I thought she was sick. She’d actually been napping along with Dad.

I realized I’d forgotten to tell them not to send anything when I left the message yesterday till we get our new PO Box address next month, and also let them know that PO boxes don’t accept packages from UPS or FedEx. Those will have to be sent here. At least we can forward our mail from the PO Box whereas UPS Store boxes won’t do that. These greedy bastards want $90 for 6 months, but we can get a PO Box for a year for $45.

We talked about getting everything sent here, but even though I’m not sweeping right now, we don’t want to overwhelm Jesse as we still get a bunch of crap. Also, it can be confusing for the carriers when one person forwards mail from a particular address while the other person doesn’t. We don’t want some of Jesse’s mail forwarded to us while some of ours gets held back here, so that’s why we opted for the PO Box. I don’t want Jesse coming down here every time I get samples either, which is almost every day.

So after asking about Dad, their store, etc., I bring up the idea of moving to Florida when he retires and she says in a very stern and serious voice, “Not here. Don’t come here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked her, and she said things are very bad there. I asked how and she said, “Jodi, I’m sure you read.”

“But I haven’t,” I told her. “You know I rarely read the news. It’s too depressing.”

But try as I would, I could not get her to tell me the specifics of what’s wrong, despite promising not to put it in this blog (and I won’t if I find out what it is). All she would say was that it was things in general that have been bad for several years, that explains it in a nutshell, and they’re talking about moving. I asked where they’d move to, and while they know they would never want to go where it snows, they don’t know where they’d go.

I hope they don’t go to Arizona! I asked if they wanted to come to Cali and she laughed and said no, but that we’re in a fine location. Yeah, I agree. The winters are still a bit cold, but I love the hot, dry summers. It doesn’t get insanely hot like the desert, but it’s still desert-like in the summer. The rain is nice too, since it doesn’t rain too much or too little here.

Then it hit me that they might be having legal problems, but I couldn’t find anything online, so I’ll have to ask Tom what he thinks and if he’s heard anything in the news.

Anyway, I’m kind of surprised. I thought my folks loved Florida and would basically spend the rest of their lives in the condo they’re in now. For them to want to move when they’re pushing 80 makes me think it’s got to be pretty bad, whatever it is. I didn’t want to push her, but I am curious. Next time I catch my dad alone, he’ll probably give me some hints as far as what’s going on.

As I was telling someone I was talking to last night, not knowing what lies ahead for us gets tough at times. Yo se que I’ll eventually learn the answers to some of my questions since it’s just a matter of letting time play itself out, but sometimes I get impatient and I wish I could have some answers right now. Will we really get a house of our own? When? Where? Will I ever see anyone again I’ve actually met, particularly Maliheh?

Nane knows a little Spanish from when she lived in New York for a few years back in her 20s. Next to the latest picture of her taken down in Turkey I wrote: ¿Por qué tienes que estar tan lejos? (Why do you have to be so far away?) She replied with: no sabes como sufri :)))))))) (You don’t know how I suffer)

She still hasn’t said anything about my story, so I guess she’s either still reading it or didn’t like it, but isn’t saying so for some reason. I’m surprised. I thought she was more honest. Well, we’re attracted to each other, and we share a love for languages, but that’s pretty much where our common ground stops, LOL.

Swapped a few messages with Maliheh last night who said the sole highlight of her week will be painting her living room that’s how bored she is. She said there are things that could be done, but she doesn’t want to do them and isn’t ashamed to say so.

I still get mixed signals from her, too. I sense someone who’s lonely and who wouldn’t hesitate to run over, pick me up and take me back to hang out with her – possibly to do more than just hang out – but then I remember how she says she values her space and has only had company a few times in all the years she’s lived there, so I don’t know what to think at times.

Jesse’s schedule has become more predictable which is a bit comforting to me because then I know when I can have some peace and quiet during the daytime. He goes out in the truck around 9am for a couple of hours, then leaves around 1pm on the motorcycle and doesn’t come back till around 5pm. I guess his kid hasn’t been coming over lately after school; because he would bring him home around 6:00.

Whiskey barked once as he was zooming out when I was hanging sheets and he yelled “Quiet!” It worked, too. I’m amazed at just how much quieter they’ve become, though they’ve always been quieter when left alone in the afternoon versus at night or early morning.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2011 It’s just after 2pm and I’ve been up since 7am. Yet already I’ve heard Jesse come and go twice in the truck and twice on the Harley. How many fucking places could this guy, who’s out of work, possibly have to go?

So right now I’m sitting here wishing we didn’t always have to have one of those “there they go, here they come” neighbors. I’d kill to have mystery neighbors which I had no idea when they left or returned! The only thing that’s improved lately is the barking.

I stupidly asked Nane on Facebook if she’d begun my book yet, and “liked” one of her pictures. So much for ignoring her for a whole month like I originally planned. Not surprisingly, I haven’t heard back from her yet, though there’s no evidence to suggest she’s even been on Facebook since I sent the message. She hasn’t added content to her wall, commented on anything, liked anything, etc.

Got a message from Jessie who’s lost 19 pounds and is down to 120. That’s ideal for her height. She does the treadmill in the morning and works out at night, too. She’s been eating whole grains, low-fat dairy products, and laying low on sugar.

Been having that short of breath feeling again today. I cleaned the bathroom earlier, so maybe the chemicals in the cleaning stuff irritated me, IDK.

I left a message on my parents’ machine saying hi and letting them know that all was well.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2011 Maliheh has only just now recovered from being sick. She said part of the reason it took longer was that she’s older. I got to thinking about those I love and care for who are getting older. I have a few cyber friends who are younger than me, but most of the people I’ve actually met and who are very near and dear to me are older. Just watching them get older is kind of sad. I know that none of us are exempt from aging and dying, but it’s still sad. The thought of one day learning of their deaths saddens me, but I will hope that they’ll live on somehow in a different form. I’m still not sure if I believe in the afterlife, but if there is one, I hope it’s better there than here.

In some ways, it sucks that I’ve been “cheated” out of dying of natural causes in the end. But while I don’t know when I’m going to die, I know how I’m going to die. Unless I get hit with some surprise disease or injury or maybe murdered by some ax-wielding maniac, I doubt Tom will outlive me, and I know I would kill myself the moment I learned of his death. Even with all the money in the world, I wouldn’t want to live without him. I think the only thing that might stand a tiny chance of getting me to live on after he died would be if someone else I loved begged me to and would be willing to not pick up where Tom left off but to be there for me. I mean literally there for me. In person. Not in electronic form or even by phone. But physically there for me. This is highly unlikely to happen, though, and so I just have to accept the fact that I cannot and will not carry on without Tom, and therefore it’s also very unlikely that I’ll get to die of natural causes, too. Instead, it will be suicide; the same thing that nearly killed me almost 30 years ago.

If you think loving one person that’s likely to die first is rough enough, try loving two people that are older. I’ve figured that even though that second special person is older too (Maliheh), I won’t have to go through the sorrow of losing them when their earthly existence expires. I figured this because women live longer than men. Well, if they’re the same age, wouldn’t that mean that I would lose Tom first, thus take my own life and then get to skip out on the heartache of losing them, too?

Then again I suppose anyone who might – and I must emphasize the word might – have read this much of this rather sad entry is starting to wonder just what kind of a loony I may be, LOL. But if being saddened by the idea of losing those I love and hoping to dodge having to experience the loss of both of them and having to endure the double whammy that would bring means that I’m loony, then yeah, I’m a real loony tune. And with my perfect pitch, that’s one hell of a tune. :)

Today’s been filled with the usual vehicle racket from Jesse, and barking, though not much barking. The nuisance is out on its Harley now and hopefully it will stay out and its damn dogs will stay quiet for a good long time.

I’m up to the Ms with my MP3 backups.

Wonder who left the comment saying that the only people who care are just as narcissistic as me and to please give up my blog? Someone connected to Molly? The closest match I came up with was someone in New Jersey who came in on a search for “cyberbullying.”

“Kate” told one of Molly’s friends just what an ass she is, and told Molly herself to fuck off. Molly unfriended “Kate” and then “Kate” blocked her. “Kate” still punishes Molly by fucking with her every now and then on Thoughts and Ask but not KB lately. I just never use any of these sites. Thoughts and KB have blocks, but I don’t care for these sites, and since Formspring, which has a block, is just like Ask, why bother with Ask? I’m sure she’s still checking my old account for reactivation every few minutes, though.

I just started proofreading my 1995 journal filled mostly with the confusion and frustration that went with Tom’s lack of cumming so much of the time and whether or not he truly wanted a kid.

After all these years, do I think he deliberately held back in bed and didn’t want a kid? I don’t think he wanted a kid deep down but would’ve been a great father had we had one. As for the lack of cumming, I’m not sure. Although I had yet to hear of this type of problem at the time where the guy gets hard but doesn’t cum, research later taught me that such a condition does exist. At the same time, he seemed awfully content with the way he was, so I can’t say for sure that he kept himself from cumming. I just don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t know either. If he had a mental block deep down in his subconscious, then he may never have been aware of it.

I just know I totally resent God for allowing me to go through such stress, frustration and depression over the situation like I did for so long, even though things worked out for the better in the end. I don’t know that I could ever forgive Him for it just the same. That was quite a biggie. It drove me crazy for years.

I also wish so many guys (since it’s common for guys to not want kids) wouldn’t say they did just to please the woman, even if they don’t mean to hurt them and I know Tom didn’t mean to hurt me. I just don’t think they understand and realize that there’s a big difference between saying they’ll clean the kitchen or they’ll take out the trash when they really won’t, versus saying they want a kid when in fact they’d rather not have one.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2011 Since Jesse just came in and spoiled my movie, I thought I’d do some writing.

I thought to myself, maybe he’ll stay put and be quiet, but sure enough, he fired the truck up for a minute a few minutes after pulling in, then turned it off. I still don’t get the point of doing this either. What does it accomplish?

Next, I expect it will roar out on its motorcycle. Five more hours and I can expect peace for the rest of the day and night. Only problem is I won’t be awake to enjoy much of it because I’ve been up since 3:30 am.

Anyway, the damn cock first left at 9:30 and I told myself to enjoy every precious moment that he was out which I knew wouldn’t be for long. Also, sure enough, it returned at 1:00. It must’ve had the dogs with it too, cuz there was no barking while it was out.

If I don’t hear from Maliheh today then I suspect she’ll at least peek in on my blog before bed which she now seems to do every other day. I wonder if she even reads much of it anymore, especially the past parts. I won’t be up this evening, her preferred time of contact, which will make it the longest between messages. Guess I’m breaking records with both her and Nane as to how long we go between contact.

Stacey’s picture didn’t disappear, nor has my blog gotten any hits from Arizona. So unless she’s come in on a proxy, I doubt she, or her colleagues, have been in. Or that they’ve read my email.

I’ve had fatigue, nausea and trouble breathing the last couple of days, but no ear or tooth pain. I don’t get it. I’m not wheezing or congested, just short of breath at times. I guess the nausea and fatigue could be from anything, but I’m totally stumped on the shortness of breath.

I set up the perfect rat barricade to keep him out of the bedroom. I wanted a way to be in the bedroom where my computer is yet still able to see him when he’s on the loose. I refuse to let him in the bedroom again so he can damage my stereo speakers again. Or chew up any more bedding and whatever he may feel like destroying in the closet.

The doorways here are pretty narrow so I was able to jam the box fan in the doorway. Since it’s not quite wide enough to fill the doorway I just shut the door a little and then he can’t get in. He can climb the grille on the fan, though, but by the time he reaches the top of the fan, I’m able to spot him and keep him from climbing down and into the bedroom. Of course the little devil thinks it’s a game, too. Still, it’s nice not to have to sit out in the living room while he runs around out there and amongst an arrangement where I gotta really watch him like a hawk. This way he can enjoy his freedom without us always having to be right there with him while the bedroom is still safe.