#we love our mentally unstable child here

[birdyboyfly]

Izzy's "You and me did this to him, and we can't let the crew suffer any more for our mistakes."

You and me? We? Can't let the crew suffer any more? Our mistakes?

I am literally going to go insane

[thatbitchery]

Unlearn the dumb idea that inflicted pain justifies your reaction to it. It doesn't. Ladies elite women make it because we have a level of stoicism that borders on sociopathic apathy, exhibit A: we don't react to triggers we mimosa, sleep, see if it's worth it then logically make decisions. The idea that when someone does you dirty you have the right to react based on emotions so you're angry mad throwing names & hands sending texts talking sheet & other loser girl things is dumb dumb. You're not justified to react. 'They did me wrong' . So? Sit down, watch Netflix, wait for the emotions to pass then use the head God so generously gave you + that pretty face bonus.

When you react to people doing you wrong you give them the permission to bypass their actions & focus on your reaction so if your bf cheats on you & you start screaming sending 1b texts making titktoks he can bypass his cheating & focus on you're immature you're abusive why did you hit me you're mentally unstable you throw things around bla bla & will never face what he did. When we say be non reactive we aren't asking you to be a stone we are asking you to be smart. Do you want to get manipulated? Abused? Sit down get a manicure & go for brunch. Run to your room scream cry anhiliate your pillow but when they're watching its Elsa Lite, froooozen ice queen don't let them in don't let them see, ever.

One tactic m3n use in divorce court is to get the lady so triggered she loses her cool then it's look at her could you live with that? I'm taking my child this is an abusive woman & men don't leave relationships they just trigger you into irrational behavior and use that as an excuse & crying is worse what did we say about public vulnerability? Go cry to your bestie and God in your house out here tears are a sign to bully you. When you're not reactive you throw THEM out of balance and you hold the cards, once you go 'right to my opinion I'm the victim' we'll find you a grave bc that's called social suicideeee.

Two friends. Real life story here, ladies. Ah high-school back in the good old days.

We call them Allie and Sara. High school circles were tight so you're friends with someone you're also friends with their bfs, right? Alice & Sara both got cheated on (by m3n looking like area 9 failed experiment Shrek cosplayers but that's not thepoint). The bfs know that they were discovered. Allie, Allie is that girl. Drama girl. Find him in cafeteria & make a scene girl. How could you cheat on me you suck your pp is short anyway bla bla watch me devalue myself. Allie feels good in the moment, her bf leaves and tell his friends of course i cheated that girl is crazy. Would you date someone like her? So immature. Women are so ovarical I can't handle it. Evening the story is- she was abusive. She hit him & threw words in public imagine in private? He's been protecting her in silence, you know women can be abusive too.

Sara, Sara my love. Sara sits next to her Shrek Lite boy and says hey so that girl you kissed, Jane was it? She's pretty. You have taste. End of story. After lunch her Human experiment failure boy says let's talk she says sure abd listens with 'mhm' and nods. She meant nothing babe she seduced me I'm an adolescent what can I do bla bla. She nods says okay and goes to class. Days goes as usual. Evening we get dinner , Weekend we do research for our papers & talk college. Is she talking to him? Yes. Painfully polite, painfully. No emojis no nothing just shallow dry polite texts. Let's talk about this babe- is left on blue ticks. Monday morning her factory reject lookalike is losing his mind, she's being painfully polite, in a shallow way, so he resorts to triggering. It's because you're like this you are like a man and I'm straight I need a woman bla bla. She says OK then turns to the next person & did you hear about the trip to the beach? Of course I'm going. Boy realizes that's not working & resorts to Allie behavior- throw a tantrum in public make yourself the victim why won't you give me the pleasure of being the one to push you to your edge? Sara says babe pull yourself together you're embarrassing your family. Do you need your anxiety meds? My therapist is good she can treat hysteria are you okay? No this isn't like you, this is hysteria babe do you need psychological help? No this isn't normal , hey do you guys think it's normal to do this? I'm calling your mom babe we are getting you a mental check hold up-

Heres a little secret. In private? In our dorms? Sara was BAWLING her eyes out. Chocolates & Styrofoam cups. We are talking 3am on the bathroom floor. In public?

Guess who won.

Unlearn the idea that you're entitled to reacting to others actions to you, you're not. Learn to hold your tongue and tears and smile and Elsa don't let then in don't let them see then call mom and spend the rest of the week in her arms crying. The amount of women I've seen triggered out of their jobs, marriages, houses, parenting &c when they were 10000% the victim from lack of emotional intelligence is unforgivable.

Dont, be dumb. Don't let yourself think you have the freedom of expression, you don't. Not in the way you want to. Go write a poem but remember everything you say can and will, in fact, be used against you.

Non reaction is the highest level of power in existence. Mind over body. Logic over emotion.

[kissorkill16]

You're The Victim: A Hello Neighbor Fanfic

By JJ

Summary: After you read this, you'll learn who's the true victim here.

Mr. Murtaugh sat across from Nicky at his desk, hands folded and lips curled into his usual creepy smile.

"I see you've been really sluggish lately, Nicholas.", he said, "I take it you've been taking the pills I gave you?"

Nicky nodded, "I think they're working a little too well.", he yawned.

"Well we'll discuss that later, dear.", said the science teacher, he stood up and walked behind the boy in his seat. "Right now, I want to know how much you've progressed this past week."

Nicky looked down at his lap. "I don't know why, but I feel like I would've been better off alone."

Mr. Murtaugh looked down at Nicky, a little hint of worry in his eyes. "What makes you say that?"

"I feel like if I hadn't been so desperate to make friends, none of this would be happening right now.", said Nicky. "Lucy wouldn't have died, Mrs. Peterson wouldn't have died, Aaron and Mya wouldn't have gone missing, Mr. Peterson wouldn't have gone crazy, my grandmother wouldn't have gotten killed, no one would've hated me, I wouldn't have been kidnapped, and I wouldn't feel like shit."

"Hey, watch your tongue!"

"Sorry."

Mr. Murtaugh put a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Nicholas, don't say things like that. It's not your fault that you lost so much with no warning. Sometimes, people just have to go and there's nothing you can do about it."

Nicky continued to look at his shoes.

"But while they're no longer alive, they're still in our beautiful memories. We still love them with all of our hearts and souls. Don't we?"

The boy nodded.

"Great."

The science teacher walked back to his side of the desk, "As for the people hating you bit. That's not your fault at all.", he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well after all that you've been telling me, it seems like you're more of an innocent victim."

When Mr. Murtaugh said that, Nicky's eyes widened in shock. "Innocent victim? Are we still talking about me? I'm not innocent, sir, far from it actually."

"Nicholas, after everything you told me, I'd like to politely object, for the following reasons.", said the science teacher. "First, you told me that your grandmother had been unstable and hard on you for years, then you tell me that before she was murdered, she called you a cursed child. Lucy's death was an accident, and the crazy old bat thought it was your fault? Disgusting. Then after you witnessed Mr. Peterson doing some pretty abnormal things, people made fun of you and called you names. Does Nutty Nicky ring a bell? Or maybe Sick Nick?"

Nicky felt like hugging his knees when he heard those god awful nicknames that a couple of cruel students gave him. He didn't know where "Sick Nick" came from, but he definitely remembered that "Nutty Nicky" came from Finch.

"Then while you were in Mr. Peterson's basement, he told you that he never chased you past his property line because he wanted to make you look like a maniac. He kept you locked up in a room with a demon shadow creature that forced you to play games with it. Actually, let me check again. Did you want to play with them, or did they force you to play?"

Nicky didn't want to answer that question, but he felt his science teacher's eyes staring into his soul, and that made him extremely uncomfortable. "Forced me.", he mumbled.

"Exactly."

The science teacher continued on, "Then a month went by, and when you escaped the basement, you learned that not one of your friends had bothered to look for you. Not even your parents who you love so much. Then when you came back to school, Finch and a bunch of other people said your trauma was fake and that you've turned into a mindless little doll.", he said. "Then you took a few more days off, and when you came back, you learned that Finch had taken a picture of your mental breakdown and shared it with the entire rest of the school for everyone to see."

Nicky brought his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"But now that I'm here to talk to you about all of your problems, you've been progressing and slowly making a real full recovery.", said the science teacher. "And here I am, telling you that you're the innocent victim, and you don't believe me even after I've basically told you your entire story?"

Nicky looked down at the floor.

"Darling, you've suffered from not only bullying. You've suffered from emotional abuse, parental neglect, one sided friendships, spiritual abuse from an actual spirit, physical abuse, and nightmares of all of your traumas put together."

Nicky's eyes widened, "Damn. I think that's some kind of record.", he thought.

"I appreciate you listing out all of the things I've told you, but I'm still not sure if we're still talking about me.", said Nicky. "I mean, I'm also the one who worked alongside Aaron Peterson with all of the nasty pranks around Raven Brooks. I was one of the brash delinquents who made teachers regret their life choices. ...I told my grandma I hated her."

Mr. Murtaugh tapped his chin as he thought about that. "You do have a point.", he said.

"And I made all of my friends accomplices to my activities. I pounced on the new students when the old ones got fed up with me, and then the new kids got fed up with me too. I've been to detention more times than I can count on my hands. I -"

"Nicholas."

Nicky stopped talking and looked at Mr. Murtaugh.

"While that all may be true, I still fail to see how you think you're not an innocent victim, even after all you've been through. While you may have committed a couple of sins in the past, it seems like you're trying to push more of the blame on yourself. You've suffered more than you should have, dear. Remember that."

Nicky was about to say something, but his words got caught in his throat. He knew he wouldn't win this fight. No matter how much he tried to deny it, Mr. Murtaugh had basically told him that he was an innocent victim of several kinds of abuse.

The science teacher knelt down to meet Nicky's level. "Repeat after me.", he said. "I am the victim."

"I am the victim.", Nicky repeated.

"I went through the most."

"I went through the most."

"I've felt more pain than anyone."

Nicky paused for a moment, thinking about that line. Technically, it was just emotional pain. If he wanted to talk about pain, then he should look at Maritza's leg, she stepped in a bear trap.

"Nicholas, say it.", said Mr. Murtaugh, getting his attention back. "I've felt more pain than anyone."

Nicky stayed silent for a moment, then he said that line that he felt wasn't entirely true, not because he wanted to, but because he just wanted it to sound believable enough for his science teacher so he'd back off this topic.

"I've felt more pain than anyone."

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for telling my son to stay out of the paradise I created?

I (90M, in a younger body) am one of several rulers over a paradise like nation. My son (40M, also in a slightly younger body) and I have never had a great relationship. I didn’t know he existed until he was already an adult and also extremely mentally unstable. I’ve tried to help him, but only succeeded in driving him away repeatedly. He came to my paradise recently (we hadn’t been in contact for a while) and helped one of my former students excise me and my ex’s evil psychic love child (a whole separate story) from the minds of our people, thus saving our island. While I greatly appreciated this, I worry that my son’s current mental stability is temporary, and while he has assured me that he has measures in place to contain his power should he lose control again, I cannot risk the safety of the other millions of people I am responsible for. So, I told him that he should not return to my nation, and that while I cannot stop him, I would be disappointed if he did. A lot of my friends and colleagues are saying I’m the asshole for this, and that I should trust my son more, but knowing the destruction he has caused in the past, I am hesitant to do so. (Some people have called me “controlling” and “arrogant” in the past, and this may be true, but I think I am right to worry here) So, AITA?

[allycat75]

I don't know why, but I still hope there is time for you, Boston Dumb Fuck. I hope you deserve the consideration and kindness still offered you.

Despite what you may think, I am actually rooting for you. I think you got tangled up in something nefarious that was bigger than you thought and didn't have the proper people around you or the coping skills to get you out. But the decisions and their ensuing consequences are still your own, so let me remind you why I am here and why I will continue to push you (not that I think you are reading my posts. I am just screaming into a void):

You roped us all into this by trying to convince us you are happy in a relationship when it is obvious to almost anyone you don't like her. You maybe thought you were helping the cause by doing a bad job, but that act to save yourself came crashing down on your observant fans, hard. Because when we pointed out the many obvious inconsistencies, we were branded as crazy and jealous. Then there is the gaslighting with changing timelines, photoshopped pictures, sightings and non-sightings, poorly acted jump scares and general mindfuckery. You can't now un-invite us to the party because you don't like what we are saying about the ambiance, like a spoiled brat at her Sweet Sixteen celebration. We will defend ourselves from lies and manipulation and not accept the labels of "unhinged", "bully", "crusty old hag", "mentally unstable" or "delulu" (among others)

She is an awful person and by tying yourself to her like this you implicitly approve of her racism, antisemitism, fatshaming, arrogance, clout-chasing and entitlement, forever. That hypocrisy cannot go unnoticed considering your former stances on these subjects and your role as the face of ASP. The site may be useless and bland on its own, but politics is full of people talking out of both sides of their mouths, and you have made the platform potentially polarizing at a time when we need serious, clear discussions with no distractions

The fact that you look absolutely miserable and discuss your life as if it is not your own is more than a little unnerving. This is in no way to shame you, but rather out of a genuine concern for your safety and why you did this to yourself when you had every opportunity provided (hence, the "Dumb Fuck"). You have talent, but are wasting it on brain-dead pap because you seem afraid of depth and unearthing something blocked deep within your psyche

Show how your behavior parallels the issues of the world at large and how we accept things we shouldn't. We have kept quiet about unchecked privlege, intent vs. impact, performative activism, being child-like vs. childish, ageism, greed, mental illness and wellness, the power and weaponry of sexuality, toxic masculinity and misogyny, generational wealth, integrity, alternative facts and emotional truths, misinformation and disinformation, value placed on hard work, attributes of healthy relationships, preciousness of time, and the effects we have on our fellow mortals, all of which has got us to now, on the brink of societal destruction. And we see this epitomized in the microcosm of your shitshow

And I don't care if this is just how it is done in Hollywood. It shouldn't be- it's dumb, dangerous, unethical and doesn't work. Movies used to not have sound and Harvey the Hutt used to be a free and powerful man. Things evolve!

So please do better and until you do, I will be supporting you and calling you out on your shit. It's called tough love, and it may not be for everyone, but it is the tactic I am using for now. Anyone who disagrees has every right to block and/or ignore me. The only one I wish to debate any of this with is the BDF himself, and he ain't listening.

[theycallmemomo]

Another change. Another heavy burden. And another year coming to an end. I’m still stuck with this weight on top of me, and I can’t seem to wiggly my way out. I thought the mid of this year was as torturous as it could get but I was gravely mistaken. I rather be miserable due to heartbreak than to endure these new set of challenges. I just didn’t know how easy I had it and instead went and looked for trouble. And I found it, more pain and more misery and another burden to add to the list. What a fool. And now I’m standing among the consequences of my own actions and I want nothing more than to run away and hide and pretend like it doesn’t exist, like this never happened. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. The idea of loneliness no longer scares me or saddens me. I’ve grown found of it, to be left in peace. But here I am, in another awful situation and one I can’t seem to deal with all alone. I truly don’t know what to do. Do I speak up against their overwhelming addiction and unstable mental state? Or do I remain silent, a simple enabler by not speaking out only because I’m afraid of them, afraid of what they’re capable of, afraid that it puts people’s life at jeopardy. It’s all so complicated. I wish it were how it was before, the innocence, child-like mentality, our youth. I wish we were both still young, naive, and hopelessly falling in love. Now it’s just gotten too messy too fast. I don’t feel real. Life doesn’t feel real. And I certainly don’t recognize this person before me. You’re nothing but a stranger, a stranger clothed to look like them. I don’t know you.

[blood-darkened-moon]

(1/2) TEW question: If Ruben hadn’t been burned but was still a serial killer, what is his motive for killing? Since there’s no need for revenge, what would happen? SKs IIRC develop a fractured identity hidden behind a wall of primitive defenses, so it’s a horrible way of coping, like self-medicating (we know there’s trauma and a predisposition).

Ok, anon, I love horror movies and games and also read about some serial killers out of interest, but I’m not an expert on this topic, especially not on the psychological aspects. And I refuse to diagnose fictional characters with mental illnesses. The headcanons I write are just for fun and should be seen as an attempt to write a horror AU rather than an analysis based on the mindset of real people. I don’t think that I can give you a qualified answer to your questions, but I’ll try my best. Here’s a more analytical approach to the topic.

I agree with you that there was a predisposition, but was there trauma involved before the fire? I don’t think so, or at least I think there is absolutely no evidence for this within the game. Even Jimenez wrote in Research Entry #31, “After surviving the incident and subsequent abuse from his parents, it’s a miracle Ruben can function at all.” We know very little about Ruben’s past before the incident. Some information originates from Ruben’s documents or his recordings after the fire. At that time, he is deeply traumatized, hallucinates, and is overall mentally unstable, which becomes even noticeable in his records. His state likely influences his perception in a heavily subjective way. Due to this and the ongoing abuse by his father, he may evaluate his childhood as worse than it actually was. However, since there are no more reliable sources, I have to take his words for granted.

While I don’t see anything that could have traumatized Ruben as a child, I still think that there were conflicts that could have worsened even if the fire never happened. There was tension in his family, specifically with his father. Ruben already seemed to have a somewhat strained relationship with him before the incident. Yet, he still respected him, as Ruben stated in one of the recordings, “Father was a stern man. Proud, and I thought intelligent.” He was calm while he recorded this. Therefore, I think this statement is valid, and their relationship wasn’t that bad at first. On the other hand, Ruben also wrote: “He’s trying to punish me again. He always resented our closeness. Thinks he can use it against me.” He wrote this while he was clearly enraged, likely not fully accountable. It still indicates a conflict between the two.

The latter statement is somewhat strange, though. Why should Ernesto mind if his children get along well with each other? Isn’t this a good thing? Jimenez describes Ruben’s love for Laura as “almost on an incestuous level”, and considering Ruben’s records, that seems to be a legitimate interpretation. But the records are from after the fire when he was already a teenager or young adult. Moreover, he was locked up in the basement for years without any human contact (except for his father and a doctor, maybe). This long-term isolation would excuse Ruben’s affection for his sister reaching an abnormal level. Even in case little Ruben had a crush on Laura at that age (10 or younger), I think this would hardly be a reason to be concerned. He could likely outgrow it easily if he grew up under normal circumstances. So, it is unlikely that this was Ernesto’s issue.

I think it is possible that the statement relates to Ruben’s experiments in some way. We know Ernesto cannot cope well with problems that would damage his family’s reputation. After all, he preferred to lock his traumatized son away after the fire instead of organizing real help for him. Well, dissecting pig heads is not a normal behavior for a child, and yet Ruben had the equipment and a room where he could do his experiments. Why did Ernesto tolerate this behavior, which is significantly more concerning than suffering from physical and mental trauma after barely surviving a fire? (In the sense of the latter is an understandable reaction.) And why did he show it to Jimenez in the first place? This isn’t something that you show proudly around in the neighborhood. I assume that maybe Laura protected her brother, acted as the voice of reason, and convinced Ernesto that instead of punishing Ruben for his experiments, he should deal with it differently. Jimenez was just about 20 at the time he met Ruben. He can’t have been a doctor then. He was likely only a student. (The model in the game is older, probably due to time or budget reasons.) Jimenez wasn’t working at Beacon yet either. In Research Entry #16, he stated that he started working there but also mentioned Ruben, so he already knew him before that. Perhaps at Laura’s request, the Victorianos looked for someone with the necessary expertise to deal with Ruben’s behavior but who would do so in secrecy. Therefore, they went with a student. In the end, it backfired, and instead of talking Ruben out of his experiments, Jimenez confirmed his beliefs. Ernesto could take this amiss and think strict punishment would have worked better. This is highly speculative, though. Ruben also mentioned punishment in the document, but it is unclear what kind of punishment it was and when it happened. It could be something (long) before the fire, or he could relate to his recent confinement in the basement.

Another issue Ruvik mentioned is his hatred for the church and his father always supporting them. He said, “Somehow he always supported the church, no matter what the newspapers said. He waved away the allegations as if they were infallible. The wretched, the vermin, the stern... All were taken in by that church.”, followed by “They were promised salvation and eternal life. But there’s nothing they could promise that I couldn’t take away.” Where his hatred for the church originates from is again not clear. We know the church was a shady place, but had it anything to do with child-Ruben? I think it is also possible that Ruben developed his hatred later during his time in the basement. He thought his father had taken Laura away from him, the one person he loved the most. Perhaps he then decided to take something away from his father that he cherished deeply.

This covers the conflicts at home we know of. None of them seem to be a major issue before the fire, though. I doubt that these alone had the potential to set up Ruben on the path of a serial killer unless drastic changes occur. However, there are still some other aspects.

Jimenez is one of them. He is not a good influence on Ruben at all. He could have tried to channel Ruben’s interests onto a healthier path. Instead, he affirmed that ethical and moral standards in science must be questioned if true greatness is to be achieved. Ruben knew very well that his experiments were unacceptable when they met for the first time. Jimenez probably had a chance of convincing Ruben to give up on them. Later, he continues to be a toxic influence. Despite his sympathy for Ruben, Jimenez often disregards his poor mental state and only tries to gain profit from Ruben’s results. Only after the experiments reached an extreme level of gruesomeness and the death toll went through the roof did Jimenez realize that he made a big mistake. “I had taught him from a young age that the end shall justify the means, but I could not have predicted things to be this extreme.” Not that it would stop Jimenez from leeching further on Ruben’s work.

Now, before I come to the possibility of Ruben still becoming a serial killer without the fire, I want to speculate a bit about his early experiments, because they could hint at a predisposition. We know that Ruben dissected pig heads, but I think this can’t be the only thing he has done. I assume the pig heads are slaughterhouse waste. (He can’t have killed and decapitated a large pig alone at the age of 9, right?) Little Ruben doesn’t seem to have the proper equipment to prevent the decomposition in his room. (How fresh were the heads when he got them?) As far as I know, brain matter decomposes rather quickly, though. How far can he get with a half-decomposed pig brain? He can develop and improve his surgery skills. However, Jimenez mentions Ruben’s studies, and he is really impressed by them (“… but Ruben... Comparatively insignificant, but even at his young age, his studies are remarkable.”). While it is not shown or otherwise described in the game, I think it is likely that Ruben also experimented on other smaller animals that were either still alive or killed shortly before he started. We don’t know what kind of studies he performed, but I think you likely need a fresh or well-preserved brain for most experiments. Ruben was also hesitant to show his experiments to Jimenez. He said they are gross and that Jimenez now thinks he is a monster. Ruben did not try to justify them. Would this be the case if he only used slaughterhouse waste? It would still be gross and off for a child but a little less disturbing than experimenting on animals he had killed first. At least assuming that Jimenez might think he was a monster for doing so seems like an exaggeration to me since the pigs were slaughtered beforehand anyway.

Edit: In the room where Ruben dissects the pig’s head, there is an eviscerated dog carcass (which I’ve apparently always overlooked). So he has definitely killed other animals and experimented on them. The cages in the room also point to this. Judging by the size of the cages, he probably mainly used cats and dogs.

So much to the background, now what could have happened without the fire? Firstly, Laura was 17 when the fire occurred; Ruben was only 10. Laura probably wouldn’t have stayed with her parents forever. Maybe she would have gone to college the following year. Ruben spent his teenage years in the 80s, so no internet, and telephones weren’t constantly available either. He still has to live almost without Laura for several years. As I said before, I assume that Laura protected Ruben in some way from Ernesto. After she leaves, Ruben has to deal with his father mostly on his own. Their relationship was already strained before and would certainly not improve over the years, rather the opposite. I can’t say how far Ernesto would ultimately go with his punishments if Laura isn’t on-site without further information, though. We should also bear in mind that Ruben is getting older and can probably hide his activities better from his father. Jimenez might also be able to help him with this. I think, it is unlikely that the situation would take on similarly traumatizing proportions as after the fire, but there is still a certain conflict potential.

The bigger problem is, in my opinion, Jimenez. Without Laura and with a tense atmosphere at home, Ruben would probably spend more time with him. At least initially, Jimenez seemed to understand and support him. He recognized Ruben’s talent and was his mentor, even if not entirely for selfless reasons. I think it’s possible that even without fire, he could lead Ruben down a similar path as in the game, but probably at a slower pace. Seeing Laura again would no longer be Ruben’s driving force, but she wasn’t his only motivation in the game anyway. Ruben took a lot of pride in his research. He became furious when Jimenez stole and published his results (“That cockroach, that sycophant; living off of me, feeding off of my work.“). Sure, Jimenez is an asshole, but he was somewhat correct when he said Ruvik couldn’t have published it in a reputable journal otherwise. If Laura was really all Ruben wanted, he shouldn’t have been so angry about what Jimenez was doing. So, Ruben’s own ambitions as a scientist may have played a role, albeit a subordinate one.

Jimenez has persuaded Ruben from the beginning that the end justifies the means, plus there is Ruben’s potential predisposition, now adding some overambition, nurtured by his mentor, on top. Ruben would probably not shy away from human experiments, as they would be more reliable than the ones with animals. Jimenez would certainly provide him with test subjects, and he might even urge him to take this step once Ruben’s abilities were sufficient. After all, Jimenez also wants to profit from his work.

I don’t think Ruben would become an ordinary serial killer, but, for instance, I could imagine him evolving in a similar direction to Josef Mengele. In the game, he no longer sees the people he experiments on as people. He describes them as vermin and microbes. Without fire and the years in the basement, he should feel less hatred towards others, but with Jimenez as a mentor, he may have come to the conclusion that the death of some people is justified in order to help others through scientific advancement. His test subjects may no longer be vermin to him but laboratory supplies. He still would use and kill them as he pleased.

Serial killers often have a traumatic past and use the killing as a coping mechanism, but not all of them. It is not impossible that someone could become a serial killer for different reasons. The scenario above is the best I could do with the little information we have. I guess my answer isn’t really what you wanted, but I cannot see a canon reason for Ruben to snap if the fire and the abuse afterward never happened. If we knew more about his past, perhaps this would change. (I left Mobius out for simplicity, by the way.)

[l3st1b0urn3s-707]

I finished The winds twelve quarters, so here's a (probably not so) quick review.

I overall really liked the book, it had lot's of great stories and Le Guin's introductions were just so fun to read. But, the book has 17 stories and I think that's too much for one post, so I'll be talking about the ones I liked the most for the moment.

So, let's start with Vaster than empires and more slow, in which a group of mentally unstable people explore a planet outside of the Hainish Empire. I really liked this one, the characters were really interesting, especially Osden, who was treated as a child to cure his autism and turned into an empath, able to feel the emotions of the plants that inhabit the planet but not that good at interacting with the crew. This story was so good, I really recommend it. I love stories that make me think a lot, and this one definitely did.

Another really good one was Nine lives. This one's about a group of clones that join an exploration in a really weird planet. Again, the clones were really good working with each other (since they were all the same person) but not good at all with their two teammates. This will be a problem when one of those clones gets separated from his sibblings, and I won't say anything else about it because it's really worth reading.

The last one for today is The masters. At the begining I didn't know what to expect about this one but it surprised me a lot. It's set in a dystopian future where mathematics are considered black magic. A group of mechanics start studying numbers secretly anyway, and this doesn't really end well. I don't know what really got me about this one, but it just made me really angry about the absurdity of the situation, which was probably the point, because no one should restric what we can learn. I really love this kinds of stories as well, the ones that make us question our own society. I think that's the best kind of story.

And I think that's all for today, I don't want to make this even longer. I'll probably post some more about this book because there are some other stories worth talking about. If you have the opportunity to read The wind's twelve quarters please do, it's really good.

[evilwickedme]

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts lately about how fanon treats Tim compared to Damian and Jason, which is fine, but they’re looking at it through the lens of “good victims” vs “bad victims” in response to trauma and I don’t think that’s the right way to do it. I don’t think we should be looking at it like that because 1. All three of those characters have trauma and comparing trauma is gross and 2. applying real life psychology to inconsistently written fictional characters feels pointless lol. Damian and Jason are written super inconsistently and trying to tie their characters into one specific framework is borderline impossible lol. Sometimes Jason is written as a good person who has inner demons but other times he’s written as a psychopath who tries to murder his family and gleefully tries to shoot children so I don’t think it’s super productive to label him as one or the other. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Ok I'll be real with you I'm not 100% sure what you're getting at! I think you're saying that Tim is positioned as the good victim and Damian and Jason are positioned as the bad victims, although correct me if I'm wrong.

I definitely have a lot of thoughts when it comes to victimhood and the batfam, especially Jason. I saw a TikTok recently that put something I've thought for a while now into words, which is that Jason - Red Hood - is a victim's power fantasy. Like, Bruce is very much a male power fantasy, and Spider-Man and Captain America are Jewish power fantasies, and Jason is over here with his anger and trauma and it just feels so familiar. I don't relate to Jason the most out of the batfam - I feel like Tim's experiences as a whole are much more relatable to me - but I for sure see myself in that aspect of Jason's character.

I think the dynamic of "bad victim" vs "good victim" is flawed in the first place, and dare I say it - yet another aspect of cultural xtianity that has made it into fandom and our culture at large. Purity culture is based in Christianity, and a natural result of it is the idea that victims must be flawless and well behaved, or they must be at fault.

Honestly we see this in DC's constant rewriting of Jason's Robin days - post UTRH comics, esp post n52 comics, are constantly retconning him into being the angry Robin, a boy who was angry and damaged and no good from the beginning, which of course is not true at all - he was a fucking nerd, for real. He loved school and doing homework and going to museums and he only had two notable cases of violence, one extremely close to his death, and the other is in the first issue of A Death in the Family - you know, the story in which he was killed off. Afai can remember RHatO n52 and rebirth and urban legends: cheer all try to present this - almost as if to make Jason's death less tragic, make it seem inevitable. When Bruce calls Jason "broken" in a hologram in battle for the cowl it's this claim that he was mentally unstable and shouldn't have ever been Robin, something that was only brought up in ADitF.

All of this is DC's attempt to make Jason a "bad victim". Red Hood!Jason is angry not bc of his death traumatizing him, but bc he was always broken. The reality is, the reason Jason's death affected Bruce so much and the reason UTRH was so impactful WAS Jason being such a joyful, trusting child. He wanted so much to belong, to be good, to be magic, and instead he was betrayed by his own mother, brutalized, and then left to die. If there was such a thing as a good victim or a bad victim - which there isn't, because being a victim is a neutral act, and nobody deserves to be traumatized, even if they're the worst person on earth - Jason was absolutely a "good victim". That's the whole fucking point.

I don't know as much about Damian as I do about Jason, but I feel like Damian needs less retconning to be presented as a "bad victim". He's introduced as a violent boy who attacks Tim and doesn't trust anyone and having taken in so many of the LoA's teachings. I think it's insane how much the fandom tends to stick to this early characterization; unlike the situation with Jason, where DC is actively trying to pretend that he's always been rotten, for the most part the actual comics have really let him grow as a person and I'm really looking forward to reading Robin (2021) (I already have vol 1 I just need to like. Get around to it).

The truth is Damian was a deeply traumatized and brainwashed child who needed a supportive environment and Dick really tried to give him that, which was so instrumental in his development. I feel for him so much and it's really saddening to see the way many people treat him in the fandom. At least Jason made the choice to become a villain as an adult. Damian's just a kid, even now, and he'd never been shown another option.

As for Tim - God, I've said this before, but I fucking hate how woobified he's become in fan spaces. Guy's intelligent, sarcastic, independent, and yeah, honestly? Not always been treated the best. His biodad wasn't exactly great. Bruce gaslit him on his birthday and Alfred just went along with it. Dick and him were so close, and then after Bruce "died" everything just fell apart between them. But also like. Idk I feel like people often take his agency and character away from him. Originally Tim was supposed to be the normal kid. Robin was basically a nine to five - he was there to do a job, and he wasn't ever supposed to be part of the family, esp considering how recent Jason's death was when he became Robin. That just sort of... Happened. Dick treated him like a brother from the first, yes, but Bruce didn't treat him like a son, and Tim wasn't looking for a father. I don't remember where I saw this, but somebody pointed out that Tim basically never lived in the manor. I think he feels very deeply for the people he loves, and that's why he was so distant at first from the batfam - he didn't want to create a connection that would be severed eventually anyway when he stopped being Robin (again, was initially supposed to be a temporary gig!). We see this most obviously because he did get attached, and then Kon, Bart, Steph, his dad, and Bruce all died - or "died" - and he low-key lost it. And like...

Okay I've sort of lost the plot, but I guess basically what I'm saying here is that I'm not saying that Tim isn't deeply traumatized himself, but I don't really see the things that traumatized him the most as victimizing. Like... He and his dad were working on rebuilding their relationship, for better or for worse. Before Bruce died, he was doing pretty well as part of the family. He's, unfortunately, back to being Bruce's Robin. So like - what is he a victim of that he's being treated as a good victim? But then you read the most popular Tim centered fics and you're like, oh, okay. So we're just projecting here.

Like, were Jack and Janet drake amazing parents? Again, no, and he expresses extreme frustration with the constant moving and boarding schools and at a certain point jack confiscates his tv and jack forces him to stop being Robin because it's dangerous. But none of this is anywhere close to the abuse that's portrayed in woobified!Tim fics. Like my God, some of that shit is AWFUL. Many of them are extraordinarily well written and deal with the abuse they inflict on Tim extremely well. But it's, at least as far as I can tell, made up. Positioning Tim as a "good victim" is so fucking easy when you're making up the abuse in the first place.

Idk I guess the main problem here is that the idea of good victim and bad victim are ridiculously harmful in the first place, but then there's also just the fact that none of this characterization is based in canon - whether bc of DC's attempts to erase history with Jason, bc character development is routinely ignored with Damian (not to say that it's low-key because of racism, but... It's low-key because of racism), or bc it's straight up made up.

But, again. Y'all. Just do not moralize victimhood. Nobody deserves to be abused or mistreated or fucking murdered (except the joker, bc as I've said before, he has such a high fictional kill count it's like the equivalent of killing a Nazi and I stand by that).

Anyway thanks for asking, sorry for taking a few days I just had to think about it and also apparently write a full scroll of text. I tried to break it up into readable chunks instead of the wall of text I originally wrote it as but it's still just. So long. Anyway much love

[mio-nika]

I was rewatching a Lindsay Ellis videos about movie adaptations of musicals and why they usually don't work. Diegetic and Non-Diegetic narratives.

And it organically started this line of thought about Legion and how hard is to recommend it. So I wrote a giant post.

Like, yes. It's a very lose adaptation of marvel comic. The forgotten spin-off of X-Men universe about a powerful but insane mutant. But, let's just say, it took me three seasons to understand that it was a marvel property. I'm quite slow and only when I heard the last name Xavier I started thinking that I heard it somewhere else. It works great as a stand alone story where some characters just has this paranormal abilities and government are kinda not having it. So I don't think that marvel fans would be very interested in watching. Daredevil is not a good show, but at least Daredevil has Daredevil in it (sorry for fans of dardevil, I also like whump but let's be real here).

And for other people... It's extremely weird show? When I was talking about it with my friends and acquaintances I usually compared it to Voices, a 2014 thriller/black comedy film staring Ryan Reynolds who kills women and talks with his cat. But I also don't think that it's a good comparison? Voices is a black comedy and even if it takes some of the parts of living with schizophrenia realistic it downplays it for comedic purposes.

Fuck. I should have started from explaining that Legion is. As I already wrote, Legion is a TV series loosely based on the series of marvel comics by the same name.

It starts with David, our main protagonist, who is living in a mental hospital, because he's a menace of society, hears voices and let's just say. A little unstable. In the course of the first episode he finds himself a GF and finds that the reason why he hears voices is not because he's sick, but because he's a powerful mutant, a telepath, who hears other people and gets tangled in their minds. And he's a god's child and saviour that that will defend mutants from oppressive politics of humans.

So it's a story about telepaths. And showing epic battles between telepaths are kinda hard? I mean, they can throw big blocks of concrete, cars, control other people minds but it's all are happening outside of their minds. To show things inside their heads, you need to go deeper, you need to be creative. And weird. The magical and terrifying world of human psyche.

In the exact first episode we are granted with a complicated choreographic scene of all of the mental patients in the clinic... How else would we understand that the main character is in love with a girl of his dreams?

And it's only the starting point. The show blurres the boundaries between reality and unreality, where every event is both real and theatrical because in the mind of the main character. It is.

And this is the problem. For example. I have a friend. And they told me, that they don't like musicals because it's hard to them to take seriously the moment where everyone just starts singing all of the sudden. And like. Valid. So let's imagine that the people in the show, not only start singing for no reason, they start a complex dance-off to show their mind power? And you don't even know if they're really dancing, or they just. Doing something else, that for the audience looks like a dance? Anyway, yeah, the second season starts with a dramatic dance-off between three powerful mutants and you just. Sitting there. And I refuse to tell you about rap battle. There was a rap battle. I'm an old wizard who lives in the shoe...

Every episode of Legion starts with a retelling of a previous one. And where all the other shows says "previously" Legion says "ostensibly". Ostensibly in Legion. Who knows that is happening? Not me.

So let's get back to the Voices. Why I'm so torn up when I'm comparing Legion to Voices. Because, well. I think that Legion tells a story about mental illness and it impact much more seriously. Yes, it's a quirky show, with dance and songs, but... "может ли бог быть сошедшим с ума?"

Have you ever watched "They Look Like People"? It's an indie horror film from 2014 about a guy who hears voice of God telling him about incoming apocalypse and alien monsters who are taking people's bodies. I don't like horror movies where mental illnesses is a main story point. They are usually tacky and mean. "This person is ill, so he's scary and dangerous!" And all that. But at the same time, illness is dangerous. Not only for people around sick person, but to the person themselves. Main character in They Look Like People is not evil, he's sick and he needs help. He's suffering much more than the suffering that he inflicts. But where the main character in They Look Like People has a way out, the Legion does not. So what will you do? What you could ever do, if you have an insane god in your hands who are untreatable. And even if he was, he would refuse help because of the years of medical abuse. Both he and people around him have no way out. No happy ending.

So. It's hard to recommend Legion. But I would ask you to try. It's a salad of beautiful horror hiding in colourful clothes of the fairy tale.

Милый, имя тебе легион...

[chounaifu]

Talking with writers outside of the written roleplay community is something that I do frequently; I'm in a small social circle of people who write a variety of genres, and range from self-published, classically published, and those who choose to not get published at all.

Not too long ago, we were talking about topics and tropes that we struggle to write, ones that we simply do not enjoy, and ones that we do not include in our writing at all.

We went around and took turns explaining our disliked tropes and such, and when it was my turn, I spoke about one that I've REALLY, REALLY struggled with: Love Redeems, or really, any scenario where a character or plot is "saved" by love.

I struggle to write this because, frankly, it is a trope that I do not enjoy playing with, and one that is beyond worn out in my eyes. It makes me cynical. It takes otherwise complex characters and boils them into something unrecognizable most of the time. (These are my opinions of course. More power to you if that is a trope that you enjoy, but I can't really adhere it to anything that I write.) It's especially hard to work with this trope as someone who is primarily a villain writer.

Fortunately, my writing partners are on the same page with me on this one, and are here for the ride. In the past, however, I've had to either soften up and write characters out of character in order to appease this trope, for the sake of pleasing people. I intend on never doing that again.

Proton's character, especially, is not one that is going to be "redeemed" by "love." He's an extremely complicated character, with layers of generational trauma and mental illness that contributes to him being the "cruelest" of his organization. There are absolutely no circumstances where I can imagine him becoming well-adjusted, "normal" or easy to be around.

A warm embrace and words of affirmation will make him bristle before it ever calms him down (for these are unfamiliar and triggering). Gentleness will bring out the snake's fangs (it feels like a trap). And who could ever relate to him? Even his fellow criminals are uneasy around Proton.

This is not a man that is going to renounce his life as a criminal in order to live a happily ever after. This is not the man that is going to look into the eyes of a child and see himself, and decide to turn away from villainy.

This is, however, the man that is going to be selfish, and think that "this is just how life is." His morals are rotten. His attitude is self-serving. His loyalty runs deep. He is an ouroboros eating himself over and over and over again, and is cursed to do as such. Proton is meant to represent humanity's capacity for being cruel, wretched, and evil. He is the byproduct of generational trauma, religious trauma, financial trauma and the alarming lack of mental health treatments for men. To change that is to change his character, and make him no longer Proton.

People are free to love him. People are free to look at him fondly. But those who do should always be aware that he is not looking back at them with that same sane adoration; Proton is looking back with greedy, serpent eyes, always putting himself first, and trying to gather up as much information about the unfortunate person who has decided that he is likable. He's unstable. He's unpredictable. He will be your best friend one day, and then the next day, he will be the one kicking you into a hole to bury you alive. He will say "I love you", but is this something he truly understands?

"I love you" and "I hate you" are just friendly neighbors in his psychology. They evoke strong emotions, dopamine, and that's how he operates.

Say, perhaps, he does have the capacity to love. It's still not going to come from a place of gentleness and normality. It's going to be possessive, it's going to be toxic, and it's going to grind the victim to the bone, unless they are prepared to meet his unhinged behavior with their own insanity.

He's not a gentle man. He's not a loving man. He is a loyal one, yes, an intense dog of the underworld who knows how to follow through on a command, but he's kept on a tight leash by his superior for a reason.

And while I think he DOES have the capacity to be a "better" person, I don't think he will ever be a "good" person. Morally gray, perhaps, but he's still never going to be the type of person you want to trust with your children. Anybody who thinks otherwise? They've been successfully manipulated by the repo man.

I prefer writing this way, rather than falling into tropes that don't appeal to me. It makes for a more satisfying storytelling experience on my end. There are, absolutely, characters that I write who will be able to go on entire self-discovery journeys and find themselves healed by the care and acceptance of others-- but not every character that I write fits that scenario. Love is not going to redeem my villains. Love will, however, twist them further, and that makes for a fun time when writing with me.

[solhwellness]

Environment Crisis and Mental Health: The Need for Urgent Action | Solh Wellness

During natural disasters and climate change, it is easy to focus on the immediate physical environmental damage. However, the consequences of these crises go far beyond what the eye can see. Environmental concerns can have a significant impact on mental health, causing stress, anxiety, and depression. Living in an unstable environment can cause chronic stress, which can have long-term mental health consequences.

Furthermore, the displacement and loss caused by environmental disasters can result in trauma, grief, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People who have lost their homes or loved ones may experience a range of emotions, from sadness to anger, and may find it difficult to cope with their loss. And, while economic hardships frequently accompany these crises, they can exacerbate mental health issues, especially for those who already face poverty, homelessness, or social isolation.

The gravity of these issues necessitates immediate action to meet the mental health needs of those affected by environmental disasters. This includes making mental health services, such as counselling and therapy, and community-based support networks available. However, treating the symptoms is insufficient. We must also address the underlying causes of environmental crises, such as climate change, by lowering carbon emissions, investing in renewable energy, and implementing environmentally sustainable practises.

What effect do heat waves have on mental health?

Heat waves can have a significant impact on mental health by increasing stress, anxiety, and despair. Heat waves can harm your mental health in the following ways:

Sleep disruptions: High temperatures can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep, resulting in fatigue and irritability during the day. This makes it more difficult for you to focus and complete daily tasks, which lowers your mood.

Heat waves can cause physical discomfort, such as headaches, dehydration, and exhaustion, which can lead to increased stress and anxiety.

Isolation: To avoid the heat, people may stay indoors during heat waves, leading to social isolation and loneliness. This can exacerbate depression and anxiety.

Financial strain: During heat waves, increased use of air conditioning and other cooling measures can result in higher energy bills, causing financial strain and contributing to stress and anxiety.

Hot temperatures have been shown in studies to increase the risk of violence and aggression, causing fear and anxiety in affected communities.

How can you maintain your mental health during the summer?

Summer can be a wonderful time for mental health, but it can also be difficult, especially for those who are dealing with mental health issues. Here are some suggestions to help you maintain your mental health during the summer:

Managing your child's climate anxiety: Climate anxiety affects children, and parents struggle to address it. Being truthful with children is essential because they can quickly discover the truth, resulting in a loss of trust. However, parents must consider their children's emotional needs and avoid alarming them with statements like "The world is going to end." As a society, we must teach children how to cope with the emotions associated with climate change and offer them support.

Go outside: Exposure to natural sunlight can boost your body's vitamin D and serotonin levels, both of which have been shown to improve your mood. Simply stepping outside, breathing in fresh air, and enjoying the natural environment can help to relax your mind and body. Gardening, hiking, or paddle boarding for at least 30 minutes in the sun is essential for your self-care routine. Spending time outside is an important part of living a healthy lifestyle.

Take time to relax: Most of us use our paid vacation time to complete household tasks that we don't have time for during the workweek, such as cleaning the closet, organising the garage and scheduling overdue appointments. However, it is preferable to use this time to unwind and enjoy yourself. You could read a book at home or take a trip to a new location. It is critical to spend your vacation time relaxing and getting away from your daily responsibilities.

Plan a getaway to refocus your energy: Getting away from your usual surroundings and experiencing a change in scenery may help you relax and redirect your energies to the present moment. Getting away from your daily routine, whether for a short overnight trip or a long foreign vacation, can help renew your mind and boost your mood. This will be extremely useful when you return to your normal life and responsibilities.

Get enough sleep: Sleep deprivation can have a negative impact on your mental health, so aim for at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Apps like Sleep Cycle can help you track your sleep and determine the best time to wake up.

Stay physically active: Going to the gym, taking a yoga class, or going for a walk outside can all improve your mood. Inactivity during the summer, on the other hand, can be harmful to both physical and mental health. A daily 20-30-minute cardiovascular exercise session, whether at the gym or outside, can significantly improve our overall well-being. You may be surprised at how much better you feel once you incorporate physical activity into your daily routine.

Stay Hydrated: Dehydration can aggravate anxiety and depression symptoms, so drink plenty of water throughout the day.

Be mindful of your sun exposure: While some sun exposure can be beneficial, excessive sun exposure can result in sunburns, dehydration, and other health problems. 

Be mindful of your sun exposure: While some sun exposure can be beneficial, excessive sun exposure can result in sunburns, dehydration, and other health problems. 

Self-care: Schedule time to do things that make you happy, such as reading, walking, or practising yoga. 

Stay Connected: Keep in touch with friends and family, and if you're struggling, consider joining a support group or seeking therapy. Reach out using mental health apps such as the SOLH App.

Financial strain: During heat waves, increased use of air conditioning and other cooling measures can result in higher energy bills, causing financial strain and contributing to stress and anxiety.

We can help mitigate the mental health impact of environmental crises and build more resilient communities by taking these steps. It is past time to prioritise the mental health of those impacted by environmental concerns and take action to prevent further harm. We have the ability to make the world a safer, healthier, and more sustainable place. And if you're looking for both clinical and holistic methods of mental healing, as well as an easy and accessible solution, contact Solh Wellness. We offer therapy programmes with easy access to experts with years of experience in the field at Solh Wellness. Download the Solh App to improve your mental health and quality of life.

[calypsoff3]

Forty Six. Part 2

Tianna looked at me and I just looked at her “you think she’s telling the truth?” I asked, Tianna shrugged “I mean she wouldn’t be crying if she was lying, I mean what is that? How is she going to randomly say dad has something wrong with him? Since when? Dad is ok like I don’t get it” she said “yeah but parents keep things away from their kids, she was protecting us. Let’s google it, let’s see what it is, did she say borderline personality order?” Getting my phone out “yeah she said that, she said maybe it was hard for dad to be normal when he wasn’t” I huffed out “mhmmm” typing into google ‘what is borderline personality disorder’ because I don’t get it, what is that “mhmmm” scrolling down “ok so it says, people with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain” looking at Tianna “he does have bad mood swings, with mom anyways. We have seen him, and he disliked me so much, he disliked you too. Like there was no off button with him, she must be right. I mean how did he try and be normal? Wow, how do people get it?” Tapping on the link “I feel sad for him, I don’t know” taking in a deep breath “it’s a mental illness Ti, wow. Dad has a mental disorder, oh my god. Maybe that is why when we stay at his house, he’s always awake smoking, and when we see him, he just smiles like it’s nothing, but he didn’t sleep, oh I feel so sad that dad has this mental illness” oh I am so sad “it says that he won’t have a good relationship with loved ones and he actually doesn’t, he doesn’t have any people, he’s alone. The only cure is therapy, wow” locking my phone and stared off, I wasn’t expecting to hear that “he’s still dad and I want him home, he was good to us and that is what matters Rylee. I am not even ashamed, I love him more for trying to be himself” Tianna is right “yeah, but he doesn’t want to speak to anyone, wow. Now I upset mom, damn” of course I wouldn’t do that on purpose, but I needed answers, I’m hurt but I got it “how do we get dad to even speak to us?” I am getting asked things I can’t do.

I don’t want to be the horrible child so I thought I would see mom “Rylee” looking behind me “I can’t sleep” letting out an oh, Imani looks so sad “you can sleep in my bed, I’ll be back but I go to do something first” Imani walked off to go to my room, I feel like I have become mom in place of mom actually being here, she doesn’t understand that this has affected us all and she’s being all calm about shit is making us think she wanted this but clearly I misjudged her and she didn’t, it’s just a hard thing to wrap my head around because to me, dad is a good person and they are both so in love so what the fuck. Knocking on the bedroom door, I don’t want to barge in because I have pissed her off I think, I have said a lot of shit today, but I want answers and I want mom to tell me how to speak to him on top of that. She is taking her sweet time opening the door, the door opened “can I come in?” I asked, I don’t want to be like this, but I need answers because this is not good “sure, what is it now?” My mom said “I don’t want to upset you mom, but you need to see it from our side, dad has always been there for us, he loves us mom. I know he does and then I’m hearing all this stuff since the divorce, I get dad wasn’t perfect but who is, and now you tell us this. I love you mom and I love dad but right now we haven’t seen him for months, and I feel like right now we need, well I need to know dad is ok. I can only base things off what I see and clearly you’re happier and ok with things, mom you always know where dad is, you know what he is doing and now you just acting like you don’t care. If you can let me call to know then let me, I don’t care. I will file a missing person report so please” my mom stared me downe, she is pissed with me but it’s the truth “you have school in the morning” she just said which means she is telling me to fuck off.

Taking in a deep breath as I walked into the kitchen “morning” I said “mom is awake” my mom pulled a face at “yes I am awake” she said all confused what I am implying “no I’m awake” I’m going to piss my mother off and it’s not even been five minutes yet “oh be quiet Rylee, you’re just being silly now” I chuckled “I uhm, I have got the number for the guy you can contact about your dad” oh she did it “but you couldn’t do that before? But you did now?” My mom side eyed me “please” she said, nodding my head “I’ll text you it and do what you wish with it, I’m not going to get involved, I have my reasons on why too but it’s best you just explain who you are and why you are calling ok?” Least she is doing this for me “thanks mom, I just want to know he’s ok, that’s all. I don’t mean to make you sad” my mother squinted her eyes at me “everything about him is you; my face but you are your fathers daughter” I’ll take that as a compliment “I will text you and do not tell the younger kids, I am off to rehearsal. Amerie is in charge” nodding my head, least my mother gave me this number, well when she is ready to give it. I don’t know what I am going to be like when I hear my dad’ voice, I miss him so much, he is literally the light of this house “woah” I said seeing pawpaw “morning” staring at him “do you know where dad is?” I asked him “he doesn’t want to know” I knew he would say this “ok” walking by him “Tianna!!! We have things to do, North will be here” we have plans to do.

Staring at the number my mother has now sent me “that is a British number and could charge you a lot for calling it” I shrugged “you mean charge my mother?” I retorted “oh you’re right” she pointed “well I will be telling this person” tapping on the number, see what I don’t get is that why my mother can’t do this, she is making me do it when she is the adult acting a child “Hello Maxwell here” he answered “hi, Rylee here” I have no idea what to say now “erm who is this? Are you my client?” I frowned “no; listen here. I am Chris Brown daughter; you have my dad with you. I want you to give him back now” the phone line went silent “I mean it!” I added “I will report you, tell me where my dad is right now!” I half shouted “so you’re Chris’ daughter, ok. Well no need to threaten, I will let him know” my heart dropped “you have seen him?” I said, my tone of voice toned down “yes, he is in London” letting out an oh “I really miss him, I will be waiting for his call and if I don’t I am giving the police your name and number, you tell me where my dad is? Clearly you are British so where is he?” North is laughing “I will discuss it with him Rylee” he’s so calm “ok, well hurry up. Clock is ticking” putting the phone down on him “dad is in London I think, well I will be waiting, I will not let this die” North and I high fived.

Opening the door for Maxwell “you’re awake today” he said as he walked in “mhmm” I just said “your mood stabilizer tablets, I bought them with me. How is Christopher doing today?” closing the door “I am good, I am well rested anyways. Thanks for the tablets, I am going to the studio today. Seeing Oakley and them” Maxwell turned to me “right, so I have just been threatened today. You know what, I have turned into your assistant” I laughed “nah, nah. You my best friend Maxwell, like you a real one. I appreciate you and your family so much, your wife for even putting up with me at the house too, you have been the best. I ain’t see you as that, thank you” Maxwell smiled “well, that made me happy but Chris, I have had a worrying phone call, I was threatened and told that she is going to call the police on me, the threat was very real, I also had your mother call me too. But do you know someone called Rylee?” I froze and then breathed out laughing “why?” Maxwell side eyed me “she called me and said she misses her dad Chris and we spoke on this, you want your new life here but you have the children that you do love and you miss them. This is why you’re getting emotional, speak to her. She wants you to call her, maybe this is your opening to call the kids. I don’t think they hate you like you think, I get you was saying that you think they will hate you, that they would have forgotten you, but they haven’t, so if I give you the number, what you think to calling?” rubbing my face “I let them go, they going to know this. I know that her family will make it know, maybe it is a ploy” Maxwell shook his head “maybe it’s a daughter wanting to speak to her dad? This is the change you need to contact them” he said.

It has been months, like it’s been a while since I have even contacted the kids, seen the kids. I haven’t thought of the kids because I have been trying to better myself, I have been wanting to make myself better for them really but I am scared of being judged as a bad person when I am not, just I have been through a lot, the fact I am on tablets because my moods were that bad, Robyn just tipped me over the edge, she really did and then she divorced me at my lowest too so fuck it “do it when you’re ready, Chris you do know that your milk is out of date, you haven’t been having it have you?” shaking my head “I have been just sleeping so no” tapping on the number, I don’t know how to feel. I mean the point is, I am not going back to America. I am happy here, that place is so toxic and not good for me. I have made friends here too. Rylee is going to think who the hell is this number calling her, it is a UK number too “hello” Rylee answered and her voice just hit me “hey baby” she gasped “dad? Oh my god, dad. No, what? It’s really you, it’s really you” she sobbed out crying, biting on my bottom lip hearing her cry “don’t cry” my voice broke, covering my face with my hand as I started to cry “dad where have you been? Oh wow, you scared me, what the hell” she said through her sobs, hearing Rylee speak to me, hearing her cry “it’s been hard” I said “I was waiting for you to come back but then nothing, I realised you wasn’t oh god. I am so glad to hear you, wow. I am literally in my bedroom, what is happening?” wiping my tears “a lot Rylee, but I miss you kids so much. God” I am hurting “I bet you girls have grown, I mean it’s been a while but I know you look different” my daughter’s, I miss them so much “let’s face time, come on dad. Show me your face! I’m going to do it” I can’t even say no to that.

I couldn’t help but cry when I saw Rylee on the camera “dad you look so skinny, wow. It’s so good seeing you” I smiled at the camera “do you hate me? How are the kids? How are you all? Tell me?” I asked, I want to know how they are “none of us hate you, we all miss you dad. Just want to know where you was, I have so much to tell you dad but tell me about you? What are doing? I feel like I have had to grow up, like when everything happened I went on defensive mode, my siblings were hurting. So many blogs about it all, but I was most concerned for you so tell me more?” Rubbing my chin blowing out air “I am going to be honest with you Rylee, I am going to move here. I am happier here and also I don’t want to be near your mom and things, I just don’t want the drama. I fucked up though, I don’t have any rights to you or to even fight for time with you kids, your mom has taken that from me, but when I am ready. I will try, I am just happy to see you, to know you kids don’t hate me” Rylee shook her head “we love you so much dad” I breathed out and just cried out.

[mechwife]

personal ramblings

so… a lot of stuff has happened this year and since ive last done any posts about myself and personal going ons and stuff

i have my own home now i guess? It’s not bought or anything. I’m renting a unit in a four-plex with my husband and my parents monumental assistance. It’s kind of weird because i’m used to living with my family and living in rural areas, but now we’re in a town and have neighbours and stuff. They seem nice though, they’re native like i am, and my husband is Hispanic so it’s nice having neighbours who are also brown.

We don’t have a whole lot. We don’t have much furniture yet, we’ve mostly been sitting on one of our carpets in front of our tv and watching movies and anime and stuff with our bunnies and eating the meals we’ve been cooking. But it’s still nice. It’s nice not living with someone who’s always angry with us or trying to dictate when or how we do things.

We were living with my aunt and her husband for about half a year this year and it was horrible. My late uncle passed away in that house, and i had a constant reminder of how much he must have suffered and all the regrets ive had about my relationship with him. I wanted to be friends with him. I wish i could have been closer to him. I wanted to grow up and for him to accept me as a person and maybe as a friend someday. I thought about him everyday and had frequent dreams of him.

Then my first bunny passed away there too, and it felt like i lost everything except my husband and my parents. ive never felt grief like that before. I still cry about my bunny and blame myself and hate myself so much for him passing away. I loved him so much and told him he was my best friend and my soulmate.

I still miss him so much. I miss my uncle. I miss living living with my family and living closer to my other relatives. I feel like i was still such a spoiled child that took so many things for granted. It was still hard then, but i have a different perspective and appreciation for how things were then.

Still, I appreciate everything I have now. I have my husband with me everyday supporting me and taking care of me. I have my baby bunny girl and we got a new bunny after my first bunny passed away. He reminds me of my first bunny in some ways, but of course he’s also entirely different. I love him a lot though, and I think he loves us a lot too. My husband and i suspect the people who sold him to us were neglecting him and borderline abusing him. He was skin and bones when we got him with crusty eyes and coarse, dry fur and a slightly crusty nose with his fur falling out in places.

It was scary and i was afraid for him, afraid of hurting him, but he’s much healthier now. I gave him lots of veggies and water and hay, and I cuddle him and give him lots of kisses and he gives me lots of kisses too. He’s super energetic and friendly, and as soon as we got to our new home he started exploring right away and already likes having things in the house a particular way. Our baby bunny girl is still hesitant and seemingly scared of our new place, she likes being right beside us and having us close by while she explores. But my bunnies are here with us, safe, warm and happy and that makes me happy and means so much to me, so much to us.

I feel like im a terrible, inept adult. But i’m trying. I’m trying to be better and more responsible for my little family, for my husband and our bunnies, and for the rest of my family. It’s hard and i’m lonely sometimes but i think im getting used to handling more things on my own.

Once we’re more settled in here, hopefully i can start focusing on my mental health and getting therapy and stuff. It’ll probably be really hard too, but i know i need help and i can’t be a better adult and person until i do. Then i can get my feet under me more, maybe have a job to support us with sometime in the future. My doctor said I wasn’t able to be employed with how unstable and terrible my mental health is, but my husband and i want children and i want to be able to take care of them, to take care of us, to help my family more.

Idk. I need to do more work, there’s still so many things to be done, our little home needs more work but i’m grateful. I’m thankful. I’m happy for where we are and how we are. I’m so tired, but i’m happy.

I’m happy. I’m sad, but i’m so happy.

[usamironpa]

My opinion on Fictional Incest

Incest is a relationship with any people related by blood, (parent/child, cousin/cousin, sibling/sibling) and people ship fictional characters in this position. Such as, Lucifer x Draco from Harry Potter, Charlie x Lucifer from Hazbin Hotel and many others. In real life, it’s messed up.

Science has proved that if 2 family members have a baby due to their relationship, the genes will mess up, having an unusual result. People do point out if the incest has consent from both sides, it’s fine. Yet, it’s still a big hush topic and serious one, as the people share the same blood in their genes. It’s socially unacceptable as there’s 9 billion people in the world, yet someone chooses a blood relative to have a a romantic/sexual relationship and (might) share body fluids.

Incest can also be a form of abuse. When family members prey on other family members, more likely younger ones. Many people that have been SA’ed have been assaulted by one of their own family members, making the situation complicated and difficult to get Justice for the crimes. It’s a serious topic with mention of abuse of all sorts, assault and crime, as many people have been forced to have incest.

Yet, fictional characters are different right? Many people have different opinions. People say characters have chemistry and the writers of the characters even gave the characters a romantic moment. People get confused about the lines of Romantic and Platonic. And since many people might be confused on the lines, they might think a daughter and father bonding moment have sexual tension when the father acts like a parent, (saving the daughter from danger). This includes any pairing of family members. Or people completely know when the lines are drawn, but uses the scene and twist it into their favour, changing the truth, shoving their opinion into people’s faces and saying it’s the truth, when it’s not.

Some people say it’s boredom, saying it’s the only way so they won’t inflict harm on others or themselves. This is where people use self harm/mental and physical harm on others as an excuse, knowing full well so many people suffer from those problems. If a silly fictional pair where a daughter and father simply fuck, is the only thing saving you from the urges to harm, that person is mentally unstable. I would suggest therapy and discussing these thoughts to your therapist in full detail. The whole situation, no leaving stuff out or sugar coating it so you look like a saint.

People might say to mind your own business and that is a valid reason. Yet for example, so many other people can speak up about anyone’s opinions but not yours? You can speak up about your own opinions but the moment we question yours, we are the shitty people here.

Conclusion, incest is incest. No matter if it includes fictional characters or people in real life. The idea of family members fucking each other and sharing body fluids is socially inappropriate to talk in person, so why say it online where the entire world can see it. If so many people disagree with you, maybe you might be the one in the wrong. Incest is serious as so many people have been through SA in the form of their own family members sexually/romantically doing things to them without consent.

If your mad at people saying the truth about your kinky thoughts, then why say it online. Of course you have free speech, but we all also have that right. If you can’t handle the backlash, don’t say it in the first place and stop throwing excuses in our faces against the truth. Ask your family members about incest. How would they act? Probably what we’re saying right now. If you want to see family members to fuck each other, do it in real life and face the consequences. If you wouldn’t do it in real life, why do it online.

Prove me wrong or not. Argue your faces off. Throw little fits that we’re doing right now. Keep feeding the fire. Show me real proof that it’s socially acceptable to fuck and love your family members romantically.

[aly-eva-princess]

1/26/24

I'm in pain.

Everyone died.

I look at my phone contacts, which I had very little of in the first place just five to be honest.

And now, the ones that were family they're all gone.

Leaving the cut here because I'm going to be graphically describing my loss.

Time takes people away. My mother was old but not old enough.

Illness takes people away. My mother was sick, she was fighting to live.

I tell myself she's in a better place now.

But you know?

I never got to say goodbye.

I moved out at 19. Got my own place and never looked back. At 23 I moved several states away. I didn't answer phone calls from her. Even though she was just calling to check on how I was doing. I didn't speak to her for years.

It's hard to get attached to people when you have Autism. Now double that effort, because I also have Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Learning about people, loving people, it's all so very difficult. And to this day, I never managed to do it even once.

I always want to be alone, it's very difficult to make connections. My own family didn't feel like a family to me. They were some people I knew for a very long time.

I never smiled enough with them, never laughed enough with them, there weren't enough hugs. There were never any kisses. All familial contact felt like a black hole.

At least this time though, I remembered to say I love you before I hung up the phone. Even if I didn't mean it. I said it, and it was for my mother. At least I didn't drop the ball when it counted again.

Pain takes people away. My brother was so hurt even with a wife and child he still couldn't survive. He couldn't keep a job, or a roof over his head.

Suicide takes people away. My brother died in the front seat of his car. A gunshot wound to the head. A gun he brought months before. And I expressed my discomfort over. But it wasn't enough, I should have reported it to the police. Had it taken away because he was mentally unstable. And had a history of unstable behavior.

But you know what they say? People who want to die will always find a way to do it. But I'm the one who dropped the ball here. I had an opportunity to take extra action, to ensure his safety. But I choose not to.

Why?

Why didn't I say anything?

Why did I go home and watch anime and ignore the world around me?

Why did I ask for car rides again and again; and ignore the rifle in the trunk of the car?

I failed him.

My lack of ability to truly express concern over anyone, to truly see people as they are, instead of as shadows that pass me by on the daily. Resulted in me losing someone important.

I also had the opportunity to tell him to just come home.

I still remember our last conversation. It was over a text I no longer have saved in my phone. Because it was bad for my mental state. But I still can't forget it.

Do you want to come over? Take a shower, eat, grab anything to take home with you.

"No thanks, I don't have a home not anymore."

And then two hours later, while I had just taken his daughter back home. While I was just standing in his parking space.

He died.

I wasted so much of everything time, memories, emotions. Because even if I wasn't feeling what everyone else could. These people genuinely loved me.

I wish I hadn't had to force so many laughs and smiles. I wish I remembered all the good times we shared. Instead of just the painful end of things.

I spent so much time isolating, and before I knew it everyone was gone. My decision to be alone was made permanent. Now there's nobody else, I can't step outside my room and come out of my empty dark box of a brain.

There's still nothing.

Everywhere I look now is nothing.

Where there once was something, now everything is empty.

How am I supposed to live now? What is the reason? I don't understand.