#we know the ways society shuns and humiliates us

[ash-and-starlight]

rotating the first chapter where baoxiang and ouyang interact at 200 mach speed in the microwave of my mind, there’s so much bitter understanding in every line it rlly makes wang’s Insanity Villain Rants and his ouyang haterism in hwdtw so stark in contrast

[casspurrjoybell-31]

The Consort's Will - Chapter 8 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Finn

"Another war has broken out between the vampires and the humans," I whisper, now too terrified to hold his gaze.

"We need your help."

The ringing silence following my words is painful.

Reyo doesn't move.

He doesn't even flinch.

I chance a glance up at him to gauge his reaction.

His eyes collide with mine but his face remains calm as ever.

"Help for what purpose?" he asks quietly.

His words are calculated and I know my response needs to be as well.

During the last war, the Secondary population helped fight alongside the humans.

It's thanks to them we won.

And how were they repaid?

They were shunned from society... until now.

When we once again need their help.

The realization is humiliating.

"For the purpose of peace and freedom," I finally respond.

"For all populations."

The edges of Reyo's lip twitch into the semblance of a grin.

But it vanishes a moment later.

Does that mean my answer was good enough?

As if to humor me, Reyo crosses his arms over his chest and thoughtfully tilts his head to the side.

"And how would you propose we accomplish that?"

I hadn't thought this far ahead.

I've been so focused on trying to find the Secondary population that I hadn't actually thought what would happen if we found them.

How will we win this war?

I grimace and give the best answer I can find in my scattered thoughts.

"By asking for peace. And if the vampires refuse, we fight them until they see reason. Same with the humans."

"So we fight for peace through war?" Reyo questions, gently jabbing my tactical approach.

My shoulders slump and I stare down at my hands again.

He's right.

It's a stupid idea.

So many lives were lost during the first war.

It was such dark times.

But what other way is there?

If we continue to let the vampires push us around, how will ever rescue all the humans under their control?

"You're right," I admit.

"It's stupid."

I can hear the small smile in Reyo's voice when he responds.

"It's not stupid, Finn. Perhaps just a last resort. I appreciate your honesty, though. Our population has been keeping a close eye on yours. We are, after all, descendants of the vampire and humans. Although I can't say I applaud the way my people have been treated the past few centuries, it has given us time to learn. To observe. And to come up with our own solution."

My head snaps up.

"Your own solution?"

He nods and pushes away from the desk.

With a small wave, Reyo gestures for me to leave my chair and follow him around his desk to view the small screen of his computer.

An outline of a vampire is displayed in the middle.

Reyo leans over and clicks a single button and whispers for me to watch.

So do I.

The computer image of the vampire is injected with something.

I watch as the liquid pours through their veins, trickling through their arms and legs and eventually makings its way to the fake vampire's brain and heart.

I expect for it to destroy the vampire human.

But something different happens.

When the liquid finishes its journey through the heart... it starts beating.

The brain activity changes.

Then the color of the blood begins to start changing as well.

My jaw slackens as the vampire displayed on the screen begins changing... into a human.

At the end of the animation, tears of disbelief sting my eyes.

"You found a way to change them back," I whisper.

"You found a way to reverse it."

Reyo's eyes carefully study my face.

This is why he didn't want Brayden in here.

I'm not sure how my vampire would react to seeing something like this but clearly Reyo felt like it was too much to risk.

When I don't respond, Reyo leans forward a second time and the screen turns to darkness.

"We have," he confirms.

"And if we helped in this war, that is the only way in which we would agree to do so. We would find a way to capture the vampires and turn them back to humans."

The thoughts spinning through my head are moving too fast.

At first I imagine Brayden turning back into a Secondary.

Would he lose his memories all over again?

Or how would it work?

Would he forget about me?  

Without blood, he would have no connection to me anymore.

The selfish thoughts are screaming amongst the others.

I close my eyes and find the strength to force them away.

If what Reyo is saying is true and he has a way to turn the vampires back humans or Secondaries, the Secondaries would then be the highest form of species.

Is that why he wants this?

Or is it truly for peace?

But most of all... if Reyo knew this before I came here, why hasn't he started?

Why is he telling me?

Why now?

I take a step back from him and hug my arms around my torso.

I'm terrified.

Something is off about all of this.

Reyo nods, expecting the question.

"It took us centuries to find this solution, Finn," he replies calmly.

"And we tested it by various methods until we finally perfected the process. We now have the remedy. The problem is that to mass produce this remedy, we are missing one key ingredient."

His gaze intensifies,and I back up another step when realization hits me.

My stomach lurches and I steady my breathing.

"A Nirv's blood," I say, knowing that's what it is without his confirmation.

Reyo doesn't move from where he's standing.

He simply nods a single time.

"Since the first war, we haven't been able to locate one. And what little supply we had is now long gone. We've been searching for decades. That is the only reason Tegan was allowed to bring the three of you into our home. Because of you."

I stare up at him.

"You talked about payment," I whisper hoarsely.

"This is it, isn't it? You need my blood."

Reyo nods again.

"We will help save the humans and vampires, restoring the peace to all. But to do so comes at a price. You are that price, Finn. We will need your blood. Constantly. Until every vampire has changed."

"Every vampire..." I repeat.

The tears I hadn't realize I started to cry burn the skin of my cheeks as they fall to my chin.

Reyo's expression softens and he shakes his head.

"It's not payment to me, Finn. It's not even payment for my people. It's a way to finally bring peace. You have the power to change it all... and it is in your hands where the fate of mankind now rests."

[zz-chikorita]

One of the most demeaning things we accept as a normal part of our society is the way in which we board planes.

First class, diamond class, comfort plus, etc etc, main 1,2,3, and finally basic. We load the plane from front to back. Not only is this incredibly inefficient- when was the last time anyone tried to load a semi from end closest to the door to the farthest?

The idea of it is asinine! It simply can't be done that way! Ok, maybe it *can* but it would be much more complicated to do so and take much, much longer because you got to squeeze through everything that's already been packed! Boxes would topple over and would have to be rearranged yet again. Depending on the cargo, it could be disastrous. Glass would break, crates would crack, combustibles would...well you know.

Now, what do you suppose the most delicate cargo could possibly be?

People!

Yet, we stack them in from front to back, completely contrary to all logic.

So, why?

Because these good folks paid anywhere from a little to a lot of extra money so it is their GOD GIVEN RIGHT to anywhere from a little to a lot of extra comfort. And anywhere from a little to no humiliation.

So, on goes first class then diamond then comfort plus and so on, such that all left, those only able to pay the bare minimum are marched on, a display to all those with chanel coats and suits and ties and two armrests that are actually their own.

They glance up occasionally to watch the spectacle, but quickly become bored and return to themselves.

And as we try to squeeze through the stacked boxes, trying to make our way, and we knock down their tower, brushing them with your small carry on that's filled to the brim because a checked bag would be just too much, and they stare and scorn us, we *must* reply, "I'm so sorry" lest we want to make a scene just as we lower class folk are known to do.

And so we march on, as the curtain shuts behind. More looks of annoyance, some a few of pity. We try to keep our eyes forward. We apologize.

And we march on. Further and further, now we are shunned. Their guilt weighs on them. They could've been like us. Maybe they were like us once. But none of that matters now. They made their decision. And the shame they feel is far greater than they anticipated. We apologize and they stumble their words.

They want to say it's ok.

But is that really what they want?

They don't know.

We march on.

We've made it at last. We cram into whatever room in left, we don't look each other in the eye. We've all been stripped of our humanity. We are hollow. We are tired. And just as we settle down, finally able to get our reprieve.

We are deafened by the roaring engine and none can sleep.

We can only wait.

Just as we are use to.

For this is our place.

Lest we want to ride one of those godawful Greyhound buses

[new-ronantics]

i don’t think people realize that at this point it’s much more important for queer stories to be shown in a positive light than it is to portray them “realistically”.

(there’s also an issue in the idea that queer characters/couples not suffering 24/7 is inherently unrealistic, but that’s another can of worms.)

there are plenty of “realistic” queer love stories out there. we get it. most queer people lead miserable lives, never get happy endings, and are generally shunned from society, right? we know this. we see it all the time. we experience it. i’d like to think that we’ve come far enough to say that representation is no longer just about queer people being included—it’s also about depicting them in a way that’s somehow meaningful, fulfilling, and—dare i say—hopeful.

is will’s self-hatred, shame, and overall reluctance to come out to anyone a realistic portrayal of the experience of being a closeted gay kid in the 80s? yes, of course it is. nobody thinks it isn’t. the problem is that, ultimately, this is a TV show with a narrative. it’s supposed to tell a story, and a good one at that.

my question is this: what does will having unrequited feelings for his (supposedly) straight best friend do for the narrative? what does it do to develop any characters involved? the answer is nothing. it does absolutely nothing. it’s just another unnecessary tragic ending for a queer character who’s already suffered beyond belief. will’s arc could have easily been separate from mike’s; it could have been all about self-acceptance and gaining confidence in his identity, but this is very pointedly the route they didn’t choose, and that is why queer people are upset by the path vol 2 went down.

to watch a gay kid’s feelings be used as a prop to push the main heterosexual couple back together is humiliating. to see a lesbian watch as her crush kisses her shock-factor boyfriend is humiliating. it’s like it’s being rubbed in our faces—hey, look, people like you will never be happy! haha!

that’s not the representation we need anymore. it’s not impactful or satisfying or new, it’s just depressing. realism only matters so much in a sci-fi horror/drama, and i’ve honestly never seen so many people bitch and moan about realism until the conversation was about queer characters finding happiness.

so no, queer people are not just sad because their ship didn’t become canon. that is not what this is about. pay more attention, please.

[laevanders]

Thinking about a Saiki fic where everyone is kinda the same, but also slightly evil and that changes things...

Like this Kusuo would be more openly rude (like saying the things he thinks about everyone 'out loud') and not care of others didn't like him ( his love-o-meter is 20? that's great! He just wants to be left alone.) He does not get to be left alone, this is still Saiki Also he's still a tsundere and saying that he doesn't need friends, but still doing things for them

Now for the others Saikis, we could just exaggerate on things about them. Like, this Kurumi would still be super sweet to her family, but to everyone else she's kinda mean, and when angry she's worse than canon , she would have taught Kusuo to not use his powers only to keep he safe (maybe this make saiki use more his powers? Like not openly cuz that would attract people, but not really hiding it) Kuniharu however just encourage Kusuo to use his powers to his advantage, and help he's father of course. This Kusuo does not help.

Now to he's friends...

I think Nendo would be just like everyone think he is? Still more stupid than malicious, but now he will scare you for money and maybe beat you up. He doesn't do that often tho.

Kaidou would just think he's evil and the líder of the Dark Reunion. But he's still pathetic. You raise your voice and he will cry. There's a drop of blood at sight and he's fainting. But he's trying. Also he's backstory is that he probably was on the path of good but society made him realize that's no use and it's better to be the apex predator or you won't survive . Omg I love him

Teruhashi would still be doing her ✨pretty perfect girl✨act but now taking totally advantage of it, like getting things for free and using her fans to do stuff for her, she would probably be more involved with the kokomins. Now her motivation it's not only to make Saiki say "oh wow" bit humiliate him and make him beg for her attention or something like that (obviously it doesn't work and she grows out of it eventually, maybe)

It's kinda hard to think Hairo as evil, so he probably just scare people with his passion instead of inspire them, he doesn't notice it tho. But maybe he is more hot-headed too? It would combine with the fire theme he has

Yumehara is..hm...a yandere? Like it's not really that away from canon, she's already a stalker.

Mera is probably just more feral, and doing more violent shady jobs than canon

Kuboyasu is kinda the same, but let's say that he's motivation for getting out of the gang it's not because he wants to be better but cuz police it's on his back. But like I think I think he would go out of his way to protect the friend group, he would threaten anyone that messes with Saiki, Shun, Yumehara and Teruhashi (cause he sees them as more fragile or something) and for the kubokai shippers out there me he would think Kaidou story about being super evil really cute and teach him some intimidation technics or something cuz anything physical would fail

Now for people who I don't really know how to change

Toritsuka: cuz he's already...him. Saiki would probably kill him tho

Aiura: She's great and idk what to make for her to not be, maybe more egoistic? And not caring that all of her friends are like that?

Akechi, cuz he could probably stay the same and it would not matter that much, he's kinda creepy. But he could go like Chiyo and just evolve into a yandere or smh. But I don't wanna repeat things. Only it would fit Chiyo themes of being a secondary character hmmm

Saiko because he's rich, and rich people are automatically evil. And he already not that great, if you exaggerate him he would be kicking poor people for fun

Kuusuke: cuz I'm in doubt. Like it would be nice for him to be the "good one" to our "evil" protagonists or at least think of himself that way while being as a mad scientist as in canon. OR we could do de other way and put him to be fascinated by Kusuos powers of the destruction and see his brother as a evil warlord but wanting to be on his side being the two monarchs of the world (Kusuo does not vibe with any of these, and think they're incredible dramatic, also he hates his brother cuz he was probably called a monster in both scenarios)

Also extra for Hii, cause she's not evil, but her bad luck only affects others

[sabbathkingdom]

Season 3 Episode 105 (Part l)

  We’ve just discovered that Jay’s mother shunned her own brother (Jay’s uncle) after the drug incident. It’s not her fault what happened to her brother, but her behavior definitely played a role in his suicide. Imagine being wrongfully accused of a crime that destroys your career and media chooses to further humiliate you. This will result in being shunned by society, so it is reasonable to expect Jay’s uncle to go to his family to share the truth and gain empathy from his family. But as we now see this had simply not occurred. This just further proves how Jay’s mother has no excuse to be the way she is towards her son. In an earlier episode after Jay returns to his mothers “home” Jay refuses to leave the Hummingbird crew. Jay’s mother of course was not glad and left his room in a fit of anger. In this fit of anger we get to see why she doesn’t want Jay to ride; a result of her brothers passing. None of this makes sense though. Her brothers fate does not mean Jay’s fate will be the same. And now we know she shunned him. She simply has no reason to do what she is doing besides having control over her son. 

( It’s kind of funny but also not how Joker can just peacefully sit there chewing on an apple while someones being choked out, oh jeez)

  Now we get this new detail. Sangho has been paying people to get detailed information on certain people (such as Vinny) and he looks over this information. I’m bringing this up due to the Sabbath crew. Both Joker and Wooin have stated that they are “forced” to do the what they do. This is of course is hard to believe, but what if what they are saying is true? Let me go into further detial. The person who obtained information on Vinny had commented to Sangho how Vinny has quite a story. Hmmm, that’s interesting. We know Vinny has a complicated background and needs money for his mothers surgery. Is Sangho wanting to reach out to Vinny due to this reason? (the answer is given, sort of, in later episodes that have not yet been translated) It seems as if Sangho is reaching out to the needy for his own benefit, as expected. As of now, we know that Wooin is working for Sangho for the fun of it (asshole), but Joker seems to be different. I can assume that Joker has been “working” at the fight club as an underground fighter before he met Sangho. Sangho reached out to him as a result of him gaining information on Joker’s background. We ourselves don’t know much on Joker’s background, besides him having multiple brothers, makes dinner for them, and wants the reward (desperate just like Vinny), but we are aware from this information that Joker himself is desperate to rake in money. If you haven’t watched Squid Game then please do, but all of what I said relates to this game. This world is ruled by money, no matter where you are. Money is based on our survival. You can’t blame someone for letting go of some of their morals to gian some money. Except if the money is for selfish reasons. But sometimes desperation for money comes from unreasonable expenses. Someone who doesn’t go against the law can easily fall into debt due to this reason (f*ck capitalism) Many millennials have to return back home simply because they can’t afford to live. How sad is that. When you’re in your twenties you should be able to enjoy your life and not have to be worrying about how unreasonably expensive your student loans are, how you’re going to pay for your next meal, if you’re going to be able to pay your water bill, etc. I also got to add that most jobs don’t pay enough money for cost of living and other essentials in modern times. In this sort of desperation morals don’t play a role. It’s human nature to want to survive. At the beginning of the story, Vinny was somewhat different and would beat on people who pissed him off or rubbed him the wrong way. He would use people to get his way. As of now, he’s changed, he’s still desperate for money because he doesn’t want to lose his mother. If he didn’t change his ways he could easily fall into Sangho’s trap. 

[lore-o-hoe]

Apollo & Leto: How much do they know?

(Super long post I’m so sorry!)

Tw: brief mentions of sexual assault and manipulation

——————————————————————————————————

So in Episode 147 we meet the mother of Artemis and Apollo, the titaness Leto.

And this version of her is... frightening

But what’s being talking about today is how much each of them know.

Apollo already knows Persephone is a fertility goddess, how he knows is the question. I’ve seen a few theories that after he assaulted her he found out somehow, or that her act of wrath is what tipped him off to it somehow.

My theory is that his mother knew and informed him of her status at some point.

Why does that matter?

What I suspect is deeper so stay with me!!

Tinfoil Theory Time!!!:

It’s my theory that Leto had a fling with Zeus and the resulting children were Apollo and Artemis. Since Apollo has been confirmed as a son of Zeus and we’ve been show the cycles of fathers overthrown by their sons with the power of fertility goddesses.

Also she’s a titan there’s a good chance (at least in this cannon) that she’s well aware of the role goddesses like Persephone play in the cycle of usurpation.

So basically my theory goes like this: Leto gets pregnant by Zeus (though willingly or not we don’t know at this point). She is cast out by Hera and shunned by all of Olympus high society because of it and becomes reclusive.

This humiliation (or some other motive) causes her to plan. Though illegitimate, Apollo is still a son of Zeus with power to match the title, though of course he isn’t the only son of Zeus. So what would give him the edge??

A fertility goddess, but they’re rare, rarer than rare. But it’s been about 2000+years. Now how Leto herself would know about this? Sure she’d know what a fertility goddess is but how would she know exactly who it is?? (lots of tinfoil here guys!)

So this leads me to wonder a few things about Apollo in turn and his creepy interactions with Persephone. Was she targeted because he knew? Or was it just all coincidence and he’s only been recently informed of it.

I’ve got two possible (but probably unlikely) theories I run on:

1. He sought out Persephone intentionally to try and seduce her into a relationship or acknowledging him in a romantic sense. When she turns him down, he corcerces her through his manipulation powers. Afterwards he uses the photos to blackmail her in an attempt to make her think that compliance with him is her only option. While this theory is the least plausible of the others, I lean more toward it thematically.

Why? Hera.

Hera’s story in Lore Olympus seems to run parallel to Persephone

In one of the many retellings of this story, Zeus takes advantage of Hera’s kindness and assaults her causing Hera to be shamed and marry him.

- Though this probably isn’t the case, his manipulation/intimidation of Persephone seems like his usual disgusting behavior Which leads me to my other theory...

2. He assaulted her and upon learning her status as a fertility goddess through his mother or someone else he tries to manipulate and blackmail her accordingly.

Either way for Leto this would lead to the same outcome, Apollo manipulating and weaponizing Persephone to become more powerful and overthrow Zeus.

But of course there’s a wrench in her (possible) plans.

Hades. Ruler of the Underworld. Persephone’s future husband. And all around pretty good guy.

Last we see of Leto, we see her about to journey to the Underworld to confront/chat with Hades and Persephone. I have no doubt that she’s gonna try to use her powers on Persephone. But with the support of Hecate, Hades, and of course Cerberus, I doubt she’ll get far. (Though we’re just gonna have to see)

Final Points:

Though one must ask, what’s in this for Leto? What exactly does she get out of being the mother to the new King of the gods? Sure Zeus, Hera, and the rest of the Olympian’s would get taken down a peg, but a complete overhaul of the current system? What out of that outcome would serve her?

A restoration of the Titans?

The truth is I just don’t know yet with the information given.

The Titans we seen are enslaved, missing, or existing in different realms of existence (I’m referring to Nyx, though she may just be somewhere in the underworld). Would she want to somehow bring back the Titan Age through her sons coup of the Olympians?

Or is this one big middle finger to Zeus and Hera?

Also should I open/do asks? I don’t know what I’d say but they look really fun to do.

[pastelsandpining]

Whumptober Day 25

hide and seek

escape | flight | 

runaway baby - banned magic au finale

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

warnings: death mention, fire

--------------------

The chilly air was welcome on her stinging and sweaty skin, though in less than an hour of her forced return to that little room, she was shivering. Zelda couldn’t see whatever mark they’d branded into her back, but she couldn’t imagine it was anything but vulgar and humiliating. Is that what they did, then? They rounded up those capable of magic and marked them as an outcast, shunning them from society until it drove them away? Or was that just a way to display power? Surely the fate of all that had been captured could not be as bad as hers.

King Astor himself had blessed her with a visit while she was trying in vain to nurse the charred skin on her back. 

“You lie,” she accused him before he could get a word out. He lifted an eyebrow in amusement, like her fire was something funny and not a dangerous thing that could spread. “You have magic yourself, don’t you?”

“And what would make you say that, exactly?” he asked, leaning against the bars of the cell so casually, she wanted to reach through the bars and strangle him. 

“Whatever you used to brand me– you laced it with magic. I would have been able to heal it otherwise, so what is it? What makes your magic more righteous than mine?” she challenged, though she didn’t have the strength to stand up. She was dizzy, whether it be from the dull ache of her body, the lasting concussion, or the fact that she hadn’t eaten since she was arrested the day before. 

“Because I am the king,” he replied easily, his lips curving into a smile.

“You are not above the natural laws of this land,” Zelda argued with a glare. “The Goddess gave you your magic, and she can just as well take it away.”

“The Goddess is nothing to me,” King Astor said, sticking his hands through the bars of the cage, wiggling his fingers like he was threatening her. “I would say you will learn the laws of my land in due time, but I’m afraid you don’t have much time left. You’ve been a thorn in my side from the day we caught word of you.”

“You’re afraid,” she answered as she leaned back against the wall, but a pain shot through her body and forced her upright and rigid again. “You know the royal bloodline does not lie with you, and people will learn that sooner or later.” 

Because the bloodline lied with her, and that was why they’d pursued her in the way they did. That was why he’d humiliated her so publicly. But he did not react in the way she’d hoped. There was no flicker of fear, no anxious dart of his eyes–nothing of the sort. He only smiled, crude and evil, and beckoned her closer. Zelda was not stupid enough to move.

“That little secret will die with you,” said Astor, tilting his head so that the singular braid in his hair fell in front of his eyes. “That brand was nothing. Tomorrow, at sundown, when we tie you to a pole in the center of Castle Town and set you aflame, it will be a thousand times worse.”

Zelda shifted to glare at him, trying to keep her composure because she didn’t want to let him know how much the idea scared her. He leaned forwards, sticking his face through the gap in the bars, and she didn’t think it was possible for his twisted smile to get any bigger.

“It will be a special fire for a special girl. Painful, slow, draining. If the royal bloodline is dependent on the blood of the Goddess, then I’ll simply take her blood. Before you’re even dead, you’ll have nothing left. Not even a drop of magic to claim for yourself.”

Was that a threat? Was this man threatening that he could drain her of her magic? Zelda frowned hard, holding the chain around her wrists so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She was trying to keep her hands from shaking.

“That’s not possible,” she told him, but he regarded her with a chuckle.

“And I suppose you know what is possible?”

And then he was gone, gliding back through the hallways of the dungeon and leaving her to the cold, dark loneliness of the cell. She didn’t even know why he’d come down here? Just to taunt her? No, perhaps he was only flaunting that her freedom was truly over. They would kill her tomorrow, tie her to a post and set her aflame like she was nothing more than a roach. Zelda tried, rather in vain, to find some weak structure of that little room she was stuck in. She tried the cracks, bricks that looked loose, bending bars–none of it was useful. Nothing budged, no brilliant answer came to her. There was no way out, no way to escape this prison, and she was left to have her panic attack curled up in the corner farthest from the door. 

It was an odd thing to be so close to death. She could hear and see and feel everything now, and in just a few hours, all of it would be gone. She wouldn’t be able to do anything. She would no longer exist outside of the Spirit Realm–if such a place even existed. She would be nothing more than a pile of ashes on the floor that her parents weren’t even allowed to collect. Zelda wondered what became of them. Had they caught her mother and executed her, too? Or was her father still keeping her safe, like he’d promised to do? He’d made that promise to Zelda, too, but that was so many years ago and she’d since learned that it was not so easy of a task to manage. Were they wondering about her, missing her? Would they know she was dead by the time it was over? She doubted the king was kind enough to gather her ashes and give them to her parents. 

The idea of dying in itself was horrifying–that she might spend her last hours in a dark hole with no company to comfort her was cruel, but they did not give her the pleasure of sulking about it. They came to fetch her early and forced her out of the dungeons and up to the center of Castle Town, where they’d decorated her death display rather poorly. A pile of timber sat beneath a wooden post, and just behind it were crates she didn’t want to know the contents of. 

They forced her against the pole rather rudely, yanking her hands behind her back to tie her to the piece of wood. At the very least, they’d taken off the metal chains. People were already flooding in to get a good look at her, as if this was regular entertainment for them. How twisted and unkind people could be, so unsympathetic when it was not them being affected. It was not their sister or mother or daughter who was about to be burned alive, so it was something foreign to them. Something not real. Maybe it made them feel better about themselves to pretend she was this awful creature with a heart of evil. They would never give her the chance to prove them wrong. 

Her feet were tied too, as if she could’ve done anything with them anyway. Zelda was special enough to kill, sure, but she found herself wishing she was special enough for flowers. For a grave. For something more than just…being reduced to a pile of ashes. If she got lucky, a charred skeleton would stand in her wake, haunting those who’d harmed her by the mere sight of it. If she knew how to curse the kingdom, she would’ve, but she was convinced it had been cursed since long before her time.

King Astor stepped forwards to greet the crowd. It was nightfall now, and he was illuminated only by a torch decorated with hungry green flames. Whatever he’d done to the fire was not picked up on by the residents of Hyrule. He probably had them convinced it was nothing more than a seed meant to change the color. To put on a show for them. That’s what all of this was, anyway. Make a show of her death, glorify it because without her, the royal bloodline could not continue. Hylia would die with her.

That was why Astor had commissioned a set of grand fireworks to celebrate. That must have been what sat in the crates. She couldn’t be bothered to feel frightened anymore–not when he looked and sounded so ridiculous. His voice gave her a headache and she thought maybe he was doing her a favor. She would rather burn to death than listen to his speeches. But he turned to her with that sinister smile and her courage disappeared.

Zelda tugged at the ties around her wrists, wincing at how raw her skin had become. She wasn’t sure why she was still fighting. The green flames rose higher into the air, taunting her from their position on the torch that was still being swung around by the boastful king. Sometimes they got too close to the tinder at her feet, and he knew that: he was toying with her. She wished she could kick the torch from his hand. She hoped a gust of wind took an ember to his robes and set him aflame. When he looked at her, she fixed him with a glare, and the glimmer of fear that flickered in his eyes made her feel a sense of power she was foreign to.

And then, it was as if all hell had broken loose. People were screaming so loud, she could’ve sworn Demise himself had clawed his way up out of a crack in the earth. The crowd dispersed like rats, scattering in any and all directions, leaving her helpless as the first of the blasts went up, drenching her and her surroundings in hues of purple and orange. Someone set off the fireworks prematurely. Zelda screamed out for help, tugging at her hands again, flinching with each explosion echoing off of the sky just behind her. No one came to her aid, though Astor had dropped the torch and the wicked green fire extinguished upon contact with the cobblestone street. 

Her screams were drowned out by the fireworks, even as she felt something tugging at her hands, fiddling with the ropes, and she watched in horror as a spark nestled itself at the bottom of the tinder pile she was positioned over. Zelda prayed that it wouldn’t ignite, that it would just fade into darkness and she would be alright–and for a moment, she was. But then the orange flames started to spread, climbing higher and higher, and she tugged at the ropes again, coughing against the rising smoke. 

“Get him!” Astor barked above the chaos, and she hadn’t a clue who he could’ve been talking about. The heat was unbearable as it got closer, the flames licking at her feet, and her lungs felt so full of smoke that she wondered if she would be granted the courtesy of going under before she was killed. 

The ties slipped from around her wrists. Zelda nearly fell forwards into the flames, but a pair of arms caught her from behind and pulled her back upright. She struggled in their grasp, half begging that they just leave her alone, that they let her die so this nightmare could be over with–and then her feet were free and she was sliding down the burning pile, crying out when her hands and knees hit the pavement. Her skin was stinging. She couldn’t tell whether it was just the sting of the heat, or if she’d sustained any burns. Hands grabbed at her arms, hauling her to her feet, dragging her along behind them, and they hadn’t made it three steps before she stumbled again. 

She wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to swallow her sobs, but her wrists were an angry red from the brush burns and hurt so much that she wanted to cry. She couldn’t continue on–not with this person pulling her. She could hardly keep herself upright, much less run, and then they were scooping her up and holding her against their chest. For a minute, she tried to fight and squirm her way out of their grasp. It had to be a soldier, or Astor, or some other random person just trying to move her out of the way so they could send her up in flames at a grand ceremony at a later date, when things would go smoothly and they could kill a descendent of Hylia in peace–

“I’ve got you,” the person told her, and his voice was so familiar that she froze in his arms and tried to look up at him, but they were too far from any light source now for her to see anything. Even if she couldn’t see him, she knew somehow, Link had found her.

Zelda buried her face in his shoulder, ignoring the dull, lasting pain of her brand and the ache in her wrists when she held onto him, and she sobbed. She didn’t think she had enough water left in her body to cry or sweat, and they’d given her the bare minimum to keep her alive, but here she was, soaking his shirt anyway. He smelled like smoke, but she was sure she did too.

“It’s okay,” he told her, even as he was running blindly towards freedom. She didn’t think he knew where he was going, but he was trying to comfort her anyway. “You’re okay.”

She wasn’t–not really. Not when she lifted her head to see the men chasing after them. She was slowing him down.

“Link,” she begged, twisting in his arms. “Link, we have to run-”

She didn’t trust her legs, but Link set her gently on her feet and she took off after him, with every muscle in her body screaming for her to stop. 

“This way,” he told her and took her hand, rounding a sharp corner and jumping clean over a crate. Zelda was far less agile and had to be helped over, but then they were fleeing again.

She clung desperately to his hand as they weaved in between buildings, rounding corners until they reached the very end of Castle Town. He didn’t stop, running further and further into Hyrule field, until he took another turn and tucked them behind a tower situated by the ranch. Link leaned back against the wall and pulled her against him, and she slumped into his chest, trying so hard to regain her breath. Everything hurt so badly.

In the dim light of the torches outside the ranch, she could see him. His hair was scruffy and he was a little bruised up, but he was alive and crying and–

“Was it you?” she asked, digging her hands into his shirt. “Did you– How did you…?”

“I followed,” he told her, that dorky grin pulling at his lips again. “Ganondorf let me go and I–”

“That was so stupid of you,” she chided, but she buried her face in his shoulder again and sniffled. 

“It’s not the stupidest thing I’ve done,” he said, sounding a little too proud of himself for her liking. Zelda gave him a gentle pinch. “I mean, I did just jump into fire to save the girl I love.”

Love. She laughed, feeling a new onslaught of tears stinging in her eyes. 

“They’ll find us if we stay here,” she replied, killing the comfortable silence they’d fallen into.

“We can’t run through half of Hyrule in one night. You’re burned,” he argued. She could feel his hands on her back, pointedly avoiding where her dress had been ripped. “But I– I’ve written to my parents and when we make it back to Lurelin, I’m taking a ship and we’re sailing away.”

Finally, Zelda lifted her eyes, staring at him in astonishment. 

“You– we can’t steal a boat,” she protested, shaking her head. “And- and I can’t ask you to leave your family behind for me–”

“They’ll come with us,” Link assured her. His blue eyes were glistening, almost like he was begging her to believe him. “They’ll have to. If the king finds them–”

“I can’t uproot your family, Link! I didn’t- Gods, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen-”

“Hey,” he whispered, pressing his hands against her cheeks, “you are not to blame for their hatred.”

“How do you know they would even be alright with…with just…leaving the country?”

“My dad’s sick of Hyrule and my mom’s told me that the only things she would allow to separate us are marriage and death, and I’m not married or dead, so.”

She didn’t believe him, but she was too exhausted and tired to argue. 

“Everything hurts,” she whimpered when he lowered them both to the ground. 

“What did they do to you?” he asked and tangled his fingers into her hair, coaxing her head back onto his shoulder. 

“I’ve been branded,” Zelda admitted, reaching a hand behind her to brush her fingers gently over the still-tender skin, wincing at the contact. “Marked as a witch.”

She’d never seen him look so sad before.

“I’m so sorry,” he told her, but she shook her head.

“They won’t stop until they find me,” she whispered, defeated.

“They won’t.” 

He sounded so determined, so ready to promise her the world should she ask for it. Zelda tried to give him a smile.

“Link, I– I owe you everything. Thank you.”

He looked like he would protest–pretend that he hadn’t just set off fireworks and stood willingly on a burning pile of tinder to pull off the greatest of escapes ever. Zelda wouldn’t let him pass it off as nothing. He’d been far too kind to her and had done too much for her to get away with that. So, like she should’ve done weeks ago, she kissed him. 

And when the Hyrulean soldiers made their way out to Lurelin Village in their continued search for the rightful princess of Hyrule, Zelda was already halfway across the ocean with her savior and his family, safe from the clutches of Astor and ready to start life anew somewhere she could finally feel safe and belong.

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masterlist | whumptober by day | whumptober by collection | original post

[notebook-13]

Shigaraki • Development

Backstory

(Note: Tenko was Shigaraki’s childhood name.)

First things first: Shigaraki’s backstory is probably meant as an allegory. The house his father built is a microcosm of society, his father Kotaro represents people with power, Tenko represents people without it, and the other family members are bystanders. The power imbalance and communal emphasis on harmony enables Kotaro to take out his baggage on Tenko while Tenko is required to repress his. Resistance, even if it’s minor, causes Tenko to be shunned and beggared, as Kotaro locks Tenko out of the house in the backyard, in the dark, unfed, without even a roof over his head.

Edit: @codenamesazanka​ has an excellent reading of this allegory!

Theirs is a household that prioritizes unity and a façade of happy domesticity over Tenko’s wellbeing. His mom and grandparents treat him gently, reject him kindly, and refuse to admit to him just how terribly Kotaro treats him. Though the three adults understand that Kotaro is the problem (they criticize him in private or cry out futile protests during an incident), they are unwilling to disrespect Kotaro to Tenko’s face. Doing so would mean facing their victim and owning up to their own culpability, too.

So, throughout Shigaraki’s backstory, Horikoshi intersperses black panels with increasing grains of white. This references Shigaraki’s “wound in his heart.”

The first black panel appears when Tenko is crying to his mom, Nao, about his dad; the second appears when he is similarly comforted by his grandparents.

After an episode with Kotaro, Nao hesitantly asks Tenko if he still wants to be a hero.

Nao: “Tenko…do you…still want to be a hero?” Tenko: “Yup. Because like, nobody wanted to play with Mikkun and Tomo. So I said, ‘Let’s play together!’ And we played heroes, and it was super fun. And then Mikkun said, ‘You should be All Might, Ten.’ And I was nice and played with them even though they don’t have any friends.”

It’s hard to follow Tenko’s five-year-old’s logic here, but the gist seems like Tenko wants to be a good person who makes people less lonely, and he thinks heroes do that. The implication, then, could be that Tenko is lonely, and his admiration for heroes compensates for what’s missing in his family (a hero).

What’s also significant is that Tenko noticed Mikkun and Tomo were suffering, and instead of ignoring it or playing along like everyone else, he did something about it. What he emphasizes isn’t, “we played heroes and fought bad guys, it was really cool”; he emphasizes that he was kind, that he helped kids who were lonely. This isn’t a kid who wants to be a hero because heroes are strong.

Also worth noting that in bnha, p much every kid wants to be a hero. By forbidding Tenko from even playing, Kotaro draws a line between Tenko and his classmates: Tenko is not one of them. He’s not allowed to dream he’ll be a hero like everyone else. In a society overflowing with heroes (and with adulation of heroes), Tenko can’t be one of them nor admire them.

^^ the first “wound” panel is the black middle one

When Nao tells Tenko that “it’s hard to be a hero,” especially right after hesitantly asking him if he still wanted to be one, Tenko understands that she’s discouraging him—similar to how Inko apologized to little Deku when he asked her if he could become a hero without a quirk.

When Nao tells Tenko it’s difficult, she’s essentially repeating what Kotaro says (“being a hero will cause him nothing but trouble”). By siding with Kotaro, she tells Tenko that he can’t become who he wants to be. He must conform to authority and let Kotaro determine his life. What he wants and feels don’t matter. Kotaro is right.

The wound begins to open.

Similarly, his grandparents offer him empty comfort because they, too, believe in presenting a unified front. The kids aren’t allowed to be aware that there’s conflict between the grown-ups: rules are rules, instructions from your seniors are absolute, social harmony (and by extension, social hierarchy) has to be maintained. Tenko himself is the troublesome one—he’s the one who needs to be comforted, who keeps breaking rules, who can’t pretend everything is okay the same way everyone else can.

The wound opens further.

The initial wound and its exacerbation are both brought on by his mom and grandparents, not by Kotaro directly. Why? Because it’s the permissiveness of the adults that socializes Tenko in how to react to Kotaro. Kotaro’s abuse is too much for a five-year-old to process, so he trusts the other grown-ups in his life to understand it and tell him how to feel about it/what to do about it.

What they tell Tenko, implicitly, is that his pain doesn’t matter enough to do anything about, and it’s his fault it exists. Underneath, he recognizes this and resents them for it. They might not actively participate in Kotaro’s abuse, but they actively support him by trying to wipe away the consequences without any accountability for the problems. They shift blame to other people (Kotaro, Tenko) without owning up to their own role in the proceedings, so that they can pretend life is good and think of themselves as good people who don’t make trouble.

Tenko has a related “wound” associated directly with Kotaro.

((When Kotaro approaches Tenko to begin smacking him…))

The “itch.”

Tenko is five years old, and kids that young aren’t known for their emotional intelligence. This is his little-kid way of trying to describe his negative emotions: agitation, anguish, panic, frustration, aggression, resentment, desperation, (thwarted) hope, and so on.

Tenko scratches himself frantically because he doesn’t know how else to react to the things he’s feeling, and he doesn’t know how else to react because nobody is trying to help him sort through them. He’s only been told to suppress them. Plus, in adulthood, Shigaraki scratches himself when he’s stressed about something, so it makes sense for this ~allergy~ to be the origin.

I dunno why Tenko fixates on his face—his eyes, specifically…maybe out of shame? maybe because his face and eyes are what express his uncomfortable feelings, and/or because his eyes are what he uses to fruitlessly beg for help? or maybe the eyes out of a desire for blindness, to not see what’s in front of him the way everybody else pretends not to see?

(The irony, ofc, is that Kotaro is accusing Tenko of wanting to hurt their family, when in fact Kotaro is the one hurting their family.

Judging by how Nao and her parents approach Kotaro after the fact and tell him that they will leave if he hits the children again, I don’t think it was common for Kotaro to smack Tenko like this.

Also, this is the first time Tenko is shown scratching his neck: when his thoughts are crying out, help me!)

Tenko isn’t begging mercy from Kotaro, which says leagues about their relationship. Instead, he’s begging for interference from the rest of the family, for someone to stand up for him, to challenge the public humiliation Tenko regularly endures as Kotaro’s scapegoat. Nobody does, of course, like always.

It takes a few hours, locked out of the house, for the trauma to set in.

The wound gets worse…but this time it’s different.

For one, it’s accompanied by dialogue, not narration, and “everyone” is centered right in the core of his rage. The second (iffier) difference is that this time the wound and the itch coincide. In the previous situations, he’s either scratching himself or the wound is deepening. This is the first time Horikoshi depicts the two occurring simultaneously, and it’s this moment that his quirk fully awakens.

Tenko kills his dog and begins to have a panic attack. His emotions are choking him; the only way he can ask for help is to reach out to his sister, finally, in the way he didn’t dare to reach out while Kotaro was smacking him.

I’ve seen people suggest his voice fails as a side-effect of his quirk, but I think it’s trauma-related, not physical. For one, he still describes it as an “itch,” and for two, once he processes his trauma and decides that killing his family wasn’t a tragedy, Shigaraki’s characteristic squiggly speech bubbles are replaced by average speech bubbles.

This is consistent, so, his vocal problem was solved emotionally. So maybe his quirk was reacting to his emotions and placing pressure on his vocal chords? But idk, seems to me it was a psychosomatic problem.

Either way, he kills his sister as she runs away, and her scream attracts his mom and grandparents.

Then comes the fourth panel.

(For context, the narration refers to how his negative feelings towards his mom and grandparents accumulated.)

The whiteness is gushing forth, and it surges when Tenko sees his mom staring at him with terror, unable to summon a reassuring smile or any words of comfort for him.

The noises catch Kotaro’s attention. He pokes his head into the hall and walks through the empty house until he spots the open door to the backyard.

(Tenko has now transitioned to mainly scratching his neck instead of his face.)

Tenko reaches out to someone for the final time, and his (deadly) hand is rejected—smashed away, really.

Kotaro’s life is in danger, he’s shocked by the deaths of his family, he panics, and he reacts cruelly.

The tipping point is what happens afterwards.

Kotaro is surprised and horrified by what he’s done. But, like always, he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge to Tenko his wrongdoing. Instead, he reacts by doubling down and asserting his authority.

“Mommy, why does Father say no all the time? Does he hate me?!”

I’m not sure quite what Kotaro is doing here. At first I thought he was smacking Tenko, the way he did earlier that day, but that blob in the lower right panel is part of the background, not his hand in motion. So instead, it looks like Kotaro is holding out his hand in a “stop, stand back, stay away from me” gesture, or maybe to literally push Tenko away. (Have to wait on the anime, I guess.)

Regardless, Kotaro tells Tenko “no” for the last time. The immediate blame, the dearth of kindness or sympathy, the reaching out to him—someone’s trying to save him!—only to deny him…it evokes their history. Tenko is already in the midst of a meltdown, and now he snaps.

I hate bringing up real-world examples when thinking about stuff like bnha, so I hope this will be the only time I ever do it, but I’m powerfully reminded of a gun violence incident in Mississippi where a nine-year-old kid and his thirteen-year-old sister got into an argument over a video game controller, and the boy retrieved their parents’ gun from another room and shot her.

It’s ludicrous to think he had any meaningful concept of what he was doing, and, regardless of how Shigaraki interprets his past, the same holds for Tenko. Just because Tenko had a good “reason” to want Kotaro dead doesn’t imply he had a meaningful grasp of what he was doing. He killed Kotaro because he was a kid with access to a deadly weapon, and there’s a reason kids aren’t trusted with those.

But it is meaningful that Shigaraki struggles to make the distinction between aggression and murderous intent. AfO deliberately trains Shigaraki to adopt this warped mindset by telling him that his bad feelings, his “itch,” are equivalent to bloodlust. Realistically, there’re plenty of ways to relieve negative emotion, but Shigaraki has been taught exactly one outlet: destruction. So, he doesn’t realize that his murderousness is a product of nurture, not nature. (Also, lol, “murderousness” is a real word!)

Anyways, for the first time, Tenko experiences catharsis for the negative emotions that have built up his whole life. A fluke of fate enabled him to subvert the established power dynamic, and the destruction of the house encapsulates the collapse of their family’s hierarchy. He still doesn’t understand what he’s done.

By the next morning, it’s begun to sink in. He ran away from the house and then wanders the streets, too consumed by guilt to speak, and he’s ignored by everyone. When someone finally pays attention and seems willing to help him…

He smiles, happy that someone is finally going to help him. But his dirty, creepy smile scares the old lady off.

(reminds me of his early design.)

To him, it’s like people can see what he’s done, and that’s why nobody will help him or even acknowledge him. Notice the lower left corner: the blackness and white grains, spilling over from his wound.

The itch returns, and the scratching and the wound overlap again. It’s hard to say whether the wound is reacting to the old lady in general, or if it’s tied to the narration line “being punished.”

It occurs when Tenko simultaneously wants to be saved but also thinks he doesn’t deserve it, that everyone can see how bad he is and knows he doesn’t deserve help.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Social harmony is forged by repressing conflict, not by resolving it. This happens at his expense, purposefully.

“This is the house my father built.” Creation, construction, building, making walls, making rules, making—these are bad, and they’re performed by the people with authority and power. These things happen for other people, not for his sake.

He’s not important enough to be helped / not worthy of it, and he resents that.

Origin of his self-loathing.

Other notes:

The “itch” is something he can find temporary catharsis for (through violence), and Shigaraki thinks the itch might have gone away if someone had just helped him. The “wound” is not something that ever alleviates or that he suggests could have gone away.

The wound’s origin is from the complicity of his family to Kotaro, not from Kotaro himself.

It’s interesting that his dream to destroy society is a reenactment of his destruction of his family/house, even though killing “everyone” the first time devastated him.

He switched from mostly scratching his face to mostly scratching his throat.

Both these are sites where emotion is expressed.

Hands are another site of expression, and he later develops his fascination with his family’s hands and uses his own hands for destruction.

Activating decay seems to have hugely worsened the scarring around his eyes. He says that he thought the “itch” had gone away, so it’s unlikely he was scratching himself overnight…so I think his quirk had the side-effect of exacerbating his scars? If decay made the skin around his eyes hurt, that could relate to why he switched to mostly scratching his throat.

Even as a kid, Tenko had a certain amount of pride/dignity, enough to blame others for mistreating him instead of blaming purely himself.

Tenko admired heroes partly because his family lacked one, but when he discovers Nana…? Now someone inside the family (inside the house) was a hero, so the rules were different than what he thought?

Upbringing by AfO

When Tenko killed “everyone,” that included himself. All that’s left of him afterwards is an empty shell. He doesn’t even seem to remember what he’s done.

But AfO is willing to extend a hand and touch Tenko.

He’s willing to acknowledge Tenko’s pain, something nobody else was or is, at the moment in his life when Tenko feels he least deserves sympathy.

Now, obviously it’s hella suspicious that AfO already knows Tenko’s name, knows what he’s done, and procures his family’s hands, but Shigaraki doesn’t seem to question it. Tenko’s arms dangle there, limp, as AfO embraces him and tears stream down his face. And, ofc, AfO echoes All Might’s motto.

AfO takes Tenko in and tells him he’ll be his master from now on. Then…

Tenko viscerally remembers what he’s done, and his immediate reaction is to scratch himself, puke, and then seize the severed hands, gathering them up and cradling them close to him. It’s probably then that Tenko discovers the feeling that Shigaraki describes—of feeling violently ill but somehow at peace, too. (“When a person’s life starts spiraling, what’s the one thing they want? Comfort.”) There’s way too much to unpack here, so, moving on.

The “purpose” that AfO alludes to is the destruction of society/the status quo.

While Tenko is huddled on the ground, cradling the hands, AfO continues.

AfO’s the first person willing to talk to him about his itch as emotional instead of as an allergy. He tells Tenko point-blank that he cannot control his impulses and that his release must take the form of destruction.

This moment baffles me. AfO openly admits that Tenko’s feelings will fade…if left be. As far as we see, he doesn’t explain to Tenko why it’s important that those feelings never fade, why emptying himself of his pain is a bad thing. But even after being told time would heal him, Tenko keeps the hands close to him—and I don’t think he was just doing what AfO wanted.

This panel is also interesting because it definitely makes it look like Tenko’s wound is glowing, like it’s a light in the dark. Also, AfO’s dialogue nearly obscures the early panel of the wound…hm.

Regardless, AfO implies that those feelings are the most important thing Tenko has, and he should keep them close. It’s not specified if AfO told him to wear his family.

Later, Tenko’s wandering on the streets (his hands aren’t with him) when he encounters a duo of thugs, who beat and mock him. At first, Tenko lurches to fight back, but…

I think these are more “wound” panels: the blackness with white grains. He backs down, even though his rage doesn’t dissipate.

When he returns home, AfO encourages him to embrace his feelings instead of holding them back. Tenko literally writhes on the floor from the force of his “itch,” going all out as he wallows in his overwhelming feelings.

AfO tells Tenko that ethics were invented in order to suppress people and that Tenko’s emotions are more important than anything else. Tenko responds by reiterating what AfO told him: he wants to destroy those thugs, and he can’t control this urge to destroy. He goes as far as to disintegrate one of Kotaro’s hands, even though not too long ago he clung onto it.

But, later, he wears his family’s hands for the first time.

Wearing them clearly affects Tenko adversely—he’s struggling to breathe properly, and he’s entirely slumped over. But these hands, and these feelings, are the only things he has left, the only things he knows, and he won’t leave them behind.

He encounters the same duo of thugs and kills them.

His wound again. Formless, but with a sense of shifting and movement. Undiminished, even if the itch is alleviated. Or, maybe this panel is supposed to indicate a deterioration, like the wound gets even worse after the murders?

Observing the event, Ujiko remarks that he’d thought Tenko had lost his memories. I think he’s commenting on how Tenko is wearing the hands despite not remembering who they’re from? 

AfO comments…

Tenko restrains quirk subconsciously, limiting its disintegration to just what he’s directly touching, which makes it seem like he’s afraid of his quirk and feels guilt/self-loathing for it. He’s aware that his quirk is connected to the things he feels, maybe even blames his quirk in some way for making him feel this way.

It’s ironic that Tenko feels free while he’s being throttled and restrained by the hands of his relatives.

lol AfO gives away the game a bit, here. He tells Tenko to do whatever he wants and not hold back, and then praises Tenko for “holding back” his tears. He just wants Tenko to have no way to vent his feelings except violence. Also, the fact that Tenko is “holding back” his quirk…hmm.

Again, too much here to unpack rn, so, moving on.

AfO gives Tenko the hands of the thugs he killed, plus one hand of unknown origin to replace the hand of Kotaro’s that Tenko destroyed. Shigaraki describes the gift as soothing to his battered body, and he felt reborn. AfO gives him the name Shigaraki Tomura ad implicitly positions himself as Shigaraki’s dad by telling Shigaraki that “Shigaraki” is his surname.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Morals are illusionary, merely a tool used to suppress people without power in order to make things easier for people who do have power.

His “itch” means bloodlust, and he can’t control it.

He should just do what he wants (except crying, apparently), or else he’ll just suffer indefinitely.

Rejection of a society he had no hand in making and no place to belong in.

Other notes:

Even without remembering his aggression towards Kotaro, it’s Kotaro’s hand he shows the biggest fixation on.

Shigaraki has three “ailments”: the itch (the agitation he feels from bad things), the wound (the “rage” and “frustration” he feels from bystander apathy), and the nausea he feels when he wears the hands (self-loathing?).

Or maybe the nausea is part of the wound?

More on the wound?

I wonder when Horikoshi decided on how to visualize Shigaraki’s pain, and if he uses it as a pattern in bnha.

I’ve noticed a few panels that remind me of Shigaraki’s wound, especially that amorphous panel after he kills those thugs, but it’s hard to tell if the backgrounds are just atmospheric or if there is actually an attempt to connect these moments thematically.

Here are a few that I noticed.

I’m going to keep an eye out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edit: here’s another one. This is the most definite example so far: it occurs in ch250, post-Shigaraki’s flashbacks, and the distinct circle doesn’t produce an atmosphere the way the previous ^^ panels do. 

^^ it’s worth mentioning that this appears during Fuyumi’s narration, detailing how Natsuo is the only one in the family who can’t move forward, ie, he’s experiencing social pressure to conform and validate Endeavor similar to how Tenko felt pressure to conform to Kotaro’s authority.

And then this next one, I’m pretty unsure about, but I’ll include it in case:

[ariainstars]

Star Wars or Why Rebellions Are Necessary

There was a lot that irritated me with the ending of the Star Wars sequels, among other things considering that they were supposed to be a wrap-up of the saga. But you know what… Looking back now, one of the things most I miss is the rebellion.

In many ways, the saga is a coming-of-age story through three generations; but it seems that in the case of the third generation, the journey to adulthood was aborted. (Is it a coincidence that the erstwhile Rebellion, under Leia Organa’s leadership, is called not Rebellion but Resistance?)

Every generation - this also applies to our own world - has and needs dynamics of some kind. The world keeps changing, and we need to change accordingly. Many people unfortunately adopt some mindset or other (of their own, or instilled into them by people they trust) and stick with it for the rest of their lives. This is one of the main reasons why children and their new, fresh points of view are so extremely important.

“I believe that you are redeemed by your children.” George Lucas

Prequels

Anakin Skywalker is often accused of being a whiny, perpetually dissatisfied brat both by the Jedi Council and by the audience.

But on watching the prequels again, after some years and distance, the Old Republic gave me the distinct impression of a stagnant society on the verge of its breakdown, very far removed from the peaceful world Obi-Wan Kenobi had described to Luke when they first talked on Tatooine. And Anakin rebels against it right from the start. 

Anakin repeatedly chafes against the restrictions of the world around him. He wants to be free and also to free his mother; the Jedi’s strict code of non-attachment paired with their conviction of being always right drives him downright mad. This reaches a painful peak on the terrible night he has to watch his mother die a cruel, senseless death.

The unpopular truth is that Anakin is right when he accuses Obi-Wan of holding him back. This may be jealousy the way he claims (and indeed Anakin repeatedly proves to be stronger than his master); in any case, Obi-Wan is clearly not much inclined to compassion. He is a dutiful man and he knows that the Jedi’s eyes are on him as the master of the boy they didn’t want in the first place. He and the other Jedi know almost nothing besides their Code, having grown up in the Order from infancy. So, they struggle to keep things under control and to preserve the world they know the way it is. 

But this world also contains a lot of injustice: the Separatists do not want to leave the Republic without reason. The Jedi use the Force for their own purposes, instead of teaching the populations of the galaxy faith in it. Anakin is deliberately held back, kept down and even humiliated by the Jedi, the cunning Palpatine being the only one who shows him some respect. In the end, he is even denied the title of “master”, although he more than earned it (apart from everything else: risking his life over and over on the missions they sent him to). It is not hard to see that “he is too young” is only a lame excuse contrived by the Jedi to hide what Anakin suspected all along: that they don’t trust him. Anakin has an uncanny talent for seeing through the Jedi’s hypocrisy, and being both honest and bold, he often says what they don’t want to hear.

Created by the Force to bring Balance, Anakin derives his enormous power from both the Light and the Dark Side. The Jedi, who have made it their task to dedicate themselves to the Light Side only (completely ignoring the Dark Side), fear and shun him and never seem to ask themselves what is actually meant with the “Balance” of the old prophecy and why this must be “brought” from the outside. Obi-Wan’s last words to Anakin clearly say that according to him, the Dark Side has no right to exist. 

“You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join them!” Obi-Wan in Revenge of the Sith 

The Jedi seem to have forgotten that the Force actually does not belong to them but the other way around; meaning that the Jedi are not automatically the Light Side and the Sith the Dark Side. They derive their power from these, but they do not embody the Force at any moment. 

The only act of rebellion Anakin manages to perform is his secret marriage to the woman he loved ever since he was a little boy. It is an insubordination that would cost him his status of a Jedi if it was known. Anakin, having lost his compassionate mother who taught him always to help others, and being is repeatedly told that he must do what the Jedi order him no questions asked (mostly actions designed to make them preserve their status and their political power) instead of helping who is actually in need, chooses to marry a woman who is compassionate herself.

This leads at least to some years of balance for him, and the children he generates are the future hopes of the galaxy; so Anakin’s rebellion to the Jedi Code, though secret, causes a lot of good.

The trouble is not Anakin’s rebellious nature; it is, like with most teenagers, not that he sees what is going on but that he doesn’t quite understand why ongoing things are never to be questioned, and that he doesn’t find the right words or actions to articulate his anger and disappointment. Nor does he know what needs to be done to make things better. In the end, the only tragic solution he comes up with is literally burning the house down.

At the other end of the scale, there is Padmé: the daughter of an influential and obviously affluent family of Naboo, she is not a rebel because she sees no need for rebelling. She does want to make things better, though not in such a harsh way as her husband: and this is where they ultimately clash. While Anakin sees through the evils of the Republic and the Jedi and decides to put a radical end to them, Padmé begins to doubt the justice of her mission just shortly before the world she knew is destroyed by the hand of the very person whom she loves most. 

“What if the democracy we thought we were serving no longer exists, and the Republic has become the very evil we have been fighting to destroy?” - Padmé in Revenge of the Sith 

Anakin, though, had his own ideas about rebellion: he executes Order 66 as per Palpatine’s order, but when his wife comes to find him on Mustafar he tells her what he actually wanted all along, which was not, ultimately, to be the Chancellor’s minion. 

Anakin: “I am more powerful than the Chancellor, I can overthrow him. And together you and I can rule the galaxy. Make things the way we want them to be!“

Padmé: “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” Revenge of the Sith 

The most powerful couple of the galaxy breaks apart over their different ideologies. Anakin is misusing his newfound powers, and his appalled wife must learn that he expects her to be on his side. He believes his care for her is leading him, when in truth it’s his fear; if he truly cared for her so much, he would not do things which he ought to know she would utterly disdain and be horrified by. 

It is interesting that despite the chasm in their attitudes, their emotional bond still stays strong. Padmé manages to reach through to her husband’s heart one last time, almost succeeding to make him leave Mustafar with her. Then unfortunately Obi-Wan interferes, pushing Anakin into his head again: he realizes that Padmé loves him despite his choices, not because of them, and that Obi-Wan wants to take him to account. Seeing his rebellious acts coming apart, Anakin lashes out setting the final seal on his destiny. 

And this is where Palpatine, the future Emperor, steps in. He neither openly rebelled nor tried to improve the galaxy’s order while preserving it, but planned his putsch on the long run for decades. His usurpation at last puts an end to the clone wars, which is why the former Republic, tired of the fighting, destruction and deaths, welcomes him as a peacemaker before realizing that it exchanged one evil for another, much worse one. 

  Classics 

The original trilogy is the story of a rebellion at its very core. By the time Luke and Leia are grown the Empire has become so powerful and ruthless that the populations of the galaxy feel oppressed and welcomes Luke and Leia’s, and their allies’, struggles to overthrow it. 

Leia speaks up against Tarkin, Emperor Palpatine’s deputy, and Darth Vader right from the start, without even knowing that Vader is her biological father. She does not need this knowledge to be aware of his wrongdoings. Leia’s rebellion is justified and her own adoptive parents, a queen and a senator, actively assist her with it.

At first, Luke rebels against staying on his desert planet without any prospects for the future; then he is sucked into the vortex of politics (Rebellion) and religion (Jedi) and dedicates himself to both.

Luke rebels against his father to the last: even trapped, maimed, isolated and traumatized he chooses rather to jump into an abyss, narrowly escaping death, than accepting to be his ally.

His ultimate act of rebellion takes place before the Emperor: again, Luke faces almost certain death rather than the corruption of his ideals. 

“You lost, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.” Return of the Jedi 

Though Darth Vader does have plans of his own (corrupting his son and overthrowing the Emperor), he always obeys his master. Only at the very last moment he rebels, saving his son at the cost of his life. 

Whatever they do, Luke and Leia never give up on rebelling. Before Tarkin, Vader, Palpatine or Hutt, they always speak their minds and if they are afraid, they do not show it in their least. Their faith in their ideals makes them bold. 

Rebellion wins. A family is formed, peace ensues and stays in the galaxy for many years.

 Rogue One, Solo, The Mandalorian

 “Rebellions are built on hope.” Rogue One

The heroes of Rogue One rebel because, each in his own way, they have nothing left to lose; contrarily to Anakin who had everything to lose. But that is not entirely true: we see glimpses of friendship and love in the members of the Rogue One mission, and they all still have their lives. But instead of making something of what they have, they all decide to risk (and indeed lose) what little they have for a greater good.

The world needs rebels because it needs hope. Without hope, there is only the stagnancy which we can so clearly see in the Old Republic before its fall. Yet Rebellion does not only need a cause, it also needs an aim.

Han, whose story mirrors Rogue One’s, knew he wanted to escape from slavery and later he found out what he wanted to do with his new freedom: help Luke and Leia, to whom he had become attached. It is not coincidental that he’s the most mature of the bunch.

This is what we can see in The Mandalorian: he belongs to the guild of bounty hunters and then he also rebels - though he ought not to take interest in a bounty and not to ask any questions, he stands up against leaving the unprotected Child behind.

  Sequels

The first person we see rebelling in the sequels is Finn. Appalled by the ruthlessness of the First Order, he decides to leave. His choice at first is a selfish one though, he only thinks of escape, not of any greater good. He has to meet Rose and DJ and to make his experiences at Canto Bight to understand that it is important to rebel for a cause.

Phasma: “You always were scum.” Finn: “Rebel scum.” The Last Jedi

Though commonly seen as modeled upon Luke’s character, Rey lacks one major trait that he had: instead of actively looking for her fate, she remains passive, merely surviving, her attitude and looks the same she had when she was a little girl.

Rey is not willing and impatient to leave her home world and embrace her destiny. On the contrary, she waits and waits for a family which, as we later learn, she unconsciously knew would never come back to her.

Ironically it is Kylo Ren, the alleged bad guy, who is the main rebel of the sequel trilogy. We learn that he is our hero’s son and nephew and that he turned his back on them for unknown reasons; and he always has his own agenda. His temper tantrums are not there for a good joke: they show that he is interiorly conflicted and not really committed to the First Order. All of his acts are rebellious in one way or another.

Kylo searches for the map leading to Luke because he wants to confront him by himself: Snoke’s intentions only happen to have the same aim. (He indeed kills Snoke when he no longer needs him, the way Vader had wanted to do with Palpatine.)

Kylo unexpectedly kidnaps Rey on Takodana, and at first, instead of reading the map in her mind he tries to get to know her.

Kylo kills Han, coerced by Snoke, and we see him unhinged and deeply upset right afterwards, showing how he hated what he did.

 On seeing him first in The Force Awakens, I remember thinking repeatedly: “What’s the matter with this guy?”

Kylo (Ben) only has one chance to open up to Rey and tell her at least a part of his story from his own point of view, i.e. the fatal night at Luke’s temple, during one of their Force connections. And that is not nearly enough. One of the sequel’s biggest mistake was, in my opinion, telling us next to nothing about what had happened to the Skywalker-Organa-Solo family after the rebellion had ended in victory.

The other big mistake was not to show the road for a better future for the galaxy. Ben Solo comes back “home” in death, which is not a satisfying conclusion for his story. He is practically regressing to childhood, and his rebellious acts led to nothing except pain and death and ultimately, the rise of the girl of Palpatine blood.

Now this would still be acceptable if Rey had proven to be a deserving heir to the Skywalker family’s legacy. But she isn’t.

Why?

Because whatever Rey may be, she’s not a rebel. She was introduced to us as a scavenger, and she remained one to the very last - searching for old artifacts and legends and cherishing them never knowing their actual meaning and history.

For me, this is one of the many reasons why she ends alone on a desert planet. Rey did not grow up. She did not experience the painful but necessary process of coming of age that the heroes of the classic trilogy went through. If anything, it’s still ahead of her.

Rey wanted a family, though obviously not one of her own with a partner and children. The only person we ever see her feeling anything intimate for is Kylo / Ben; but with few exceptions, she adamantly pushes him away. He obviously terrifies and angers her, although since she is a child of Darkness herself, she ought to have no reason for that. Also, she quickly realizes that she is not powerless before him; that he both wants to keep her near and that he acknowledges her power and listens to her. But he always brings out her true self apart from the “good little girl” she wants to be; the good sides together with the bad sides. 

“You need a teacher - I could show you the ways of the Force!” The Force Awakens 

And Rey’s own authenticity frightens her. She seems afraid not so much of Kylo but of her own burgeoning adulthood and femaleness. Having been sold into slavery, she did not get the chance to have a normal, protected childhood and adolescence; her personality did not grow into womanhood, and she is aware of this lack, searching in all places for parental figures who will “show her her place in all this”. 

Rey briefly glimpsed a different kind of life sometimes, like on Takodana, or Pasaana (an odd symphony with the planet’s names, too) where she realized she wanted to live on a green planet, and to have children of her own. Also, Kylo saw her dreaming of an ocean. However, those remained vague dreams.

Unpopular opinion: maybe Rey did not want her dreams to come true. Hers is the story of a girl who first and foremost has needs, not dreams. When we first met her she was alone, enslaved, abandoned, overworked and hungry. As the audience, we expect as a matter of course to see a protagonist following his dreams and reaching them, and she didn’t. Rey’s needs were fulfilled during the course of this story, the way she wanted; nothing more. 

  Sacrifice Is Necessary, Too

So the question is, why does the saga end like this? It doesn’t feel like a fitting ending to a story that was always about rebellion. As I already said, rebelling itself is not enough: one must also know to what end, and the sacrifices one is ready to make.

The Jedi, as well as Padmé and Anakin, wanted to keep their cake and eat it, making a better world without having to give up anything that was dear to them.

The middle generation of Skywalkers did rebel but did not follow rebellion through: they longed for the seemingly beatific Republic before the rise of the Empire. Yet watching the prequels, as the audience we clearly see that it wasn’t quite that good. So our heroes fought, unknowingly, with the aim of restoring something that would have needed to be improved in their first place, and their “happy ending” did not last very long.

Luke read the ancient Jedi texts and wanted to rebuild the Jedi Order the way it was. Leia, the princess, probably learned about the Old Republic from her adoptive father, Senator Bail Organa, and wanted to restore it. But when we see them again, both twins are disillusioned and tired. Their own son and nephew destroyed whatever they had achieved with their efforts - and at least Luke is aware that he was partially responsible for it.

So the question arises, what are rebellions good for if they lead to no better future? What good is fighting for without asking how things could come so far in the first place, and without wondering about how to make things better? Ben Solo is repeatedly depicted as someone who has doubts, but it is also obvious that his doubts were not taken seriously and that he was just expected, both by his family and Snoke, to meet expectations. And like his grandfather, he had other things in mind: something new. Ever since their first Force vision (when Rey touched Luke’s light sabre in Maz’ castle) he knew that Rey was his other side in the Force. The moment he learned she was on Takodana he relentlessly pursued her, and no matter what happened, and despite everything she did to him, he was adamant to keep her by his side.

“We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy!” Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi

Rey rejects his offer, disappointed that he will not turn the way she expected him to. Maybe she was afraid that he was trying to lure her to the Dark Side; but given the wording, he wasn’t. Ben knew that with Rey he could find Balance, and he wanted to do so and to offer this Balance to the galaxy. At no time did he speak to her about the “power of the Dark Side” the way Vader had with his son; Ben obviously appreciated Rey’s strengths and did not want her to turn for him but to stay by his side, to create something new. Rey, ever the scavenger, does not want anything new; she longs for the past, so she unknowingly turns her back on Balance.

The sequel trilogy ends without leaving anyone with a feeling of hope exactly because the coming of age of both protagonists failed: Ben’s rebellion came to no satisfying conclusion, and Rey’s rebellion didn’t even get started. Though many fans interpreted her as such, she is not and never was a new interpretation of Luke Skywalker but his inversion: first she did not want to leave her desert planet and now she is on another.

By the time The Rise of Skywalker comes to a closure, Kylo / Ben, the last of the Skywalker blood, has not brought Balance to the Force; Ben’s journey ends because he has learned to let go. Anakin learned this important lesson only when he had already been Vader for many years; Luke learned letting go much earlier - losing his home on Tatooine, his mentor Obi-Wan, giving up his crush on Leia realizing that she had fallen in love with Han. But Rey did not; we never see her give up anything or anyone dear to her. Her journey feels unfinished and even more - it feels like it didn’t begin yet.

“Ben is someone who has hope. ... For the first time, someone who has never had the answer, now finally knows his purpose or destiny. He has to let her (Rey) know that they’re together. But I don’t know that he entirely is sure of what’s going to happen from there, nor do I think he cares. I think, it’s so long as he is with her, he is on the right path.” (Adam Driver)

Ben, who was named after Obi-Wan Kenobi, princess Leia’s “only hope”, the rightful heir of the Chosen One, is supposed to be dead and gone for good right after having found his way? Sorry, I can’t believe it.

Also, given the parallels between Padmé and Rey, it is to be hoped that maybe Rey will go her way - that she will want to make a better world without using violencev.

And I for my part wholeheartedly rebel to believe that this is supposed to be the ultimate ending. 😊

[brightershadows]

Euphorically Honest-- Euphoria, Teenagers, and the Realities in Hardship

OVERVIEW

Euphoria is brutally honest about the hardships of life. Focusing on the stories of a group of teenagers in modern-day California, it navigates through issues of drug addiction, sexuality, masculinity and femininity, violence, and depression. It can be tragic and liberating. But it is honest. Created by Sam Levinson, a screenwriter for Assassination Nation and The Wizard of Lies,  the story reflects on his own experience with drug addiction as a teenager, as well as having a loose basis in an Israeli show of the same name (Stack, 2019). The story follows a group of young people of varying genders, ethnicities, classes, and sexualities, including the drug-addicted narrator Rue, new-to-the-suburbs Jules, Cassie, beautiful but easily manipulated, her kind and easy-going sister Lexi, Kat, who embraces her body type as she gains confidence through sex, Nate, a manipulative and dominating male with control issues, and his girlfriend, Maddy, who battles her self-identity and her reliance on Nate (Levinson, 2019). Euphoria can be seen as overly graphic, or critiqued as too sexual, but its mature nature allows it to unearth the ugly truths about life, living, and loving, and the beauty behind the hardships too. 

EPISODE TWO REVIEW

In “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” Nate discovers his father’s sex tape collection at a very young age, videos of his father having sex with several people. This is where Nate’s disdain male sexual anatomy stems from. Nate quickly becomes infatuated with Maddy. Whether disturbing or romantic, he fantasizes about hurting or killing the person who dares harms her. A series of flashbacks from Rue’s summer shows her consuming various drugs and getting high, fighting with her mom, waking up in the hospital, and singing in the car with her mom and sister, highlighting what she has gone through as well as her relationship with her family. On several occasions, Rue relapses. Reluctantly and unable to say no, she takes a dose of fentanyl. Unaware of the consequences, Jules is called to take care of Rue. Their friendship further develops. Kat learns that an explicit video of her has been posted to a porn website. When the video’s view count continues to grow, Kat is intrigued and signs for a web cam streaming account. Obsessed with Maddy, Nate begins stalking Tyler, Maddy’s most recent hookup. Maddy, still wanting to get back together with Nate, tells him that she was blacked out and did not mean to do what she did. This causes Nate to believe that Tyler had raped Maddy. Furious, Nate breaks into Tyler’s apartment and beats him half to death. At the end of the episode, we learn that the guy Jules has been texting is named Tyler but it actually turns out to be Nate.

Nate Jacobs is the typical football jock, yet he exhibits anger, aggression, and sociopathic behavior. Rue Bennett struggles with her own psyche as she suffers from ADHD, bipolar, general anxiety, BPD (borderline personality disorder), and drug addiction. Jules Vaughan is unapologetically herself, although she seems to seek attention, approval, and sexual relationships from men who are undeserving of her. Maddy Perez is the popular cheerleader who knows she is attractive and she goes after what she wants. She stands up to everybody else except Nate. Kat Hernandez may seem like a side character, the fat best friend, at first, but she finds her confidence grows as an individual. Fez/Fezco is Rue’s main drug dealer. Although he supplies her, he also cares for Rue and does want her to get mixed up with a worst crowd.

Although there are people of color in the show, there could always be more representation of race. Rue and her sister, Gia, are mixed, with a Black mom and a white dad. Maddy is Latina as both of her parents are Latino. Kat Hernandez is also of Latin descent but we do not see much of her parents or family. Every other (main) character in this episode is white, this includes Nate, Jules, and Tyler. This show, and episode, is not particularly making any waves or strides with their representation of race. And with the representation of race that they do have, there is no portrayal of racial identity, culture, or heritage. Jules definitely stands out as she is a transgender woman. She is currently taking hormones and her father and closest friends accept her for who she is. Jules goes on to have sexual encounters with older men as well budding romances with boys her age. Nate is a stark contrast to Jules, with him being set in his heteronormative, gender binary ways. Most, if not all of the characters identify with the gender that they present. The males, Nate and Fez identity as male. The females, Rue, Kat, Jules, and Maddy identify as female. The main characters mainly fall into one of the two binary genders. All of the romantic or sexual relationship aspects in episode 2 revolve around a male and a female, such as Nate and Maddy, or Maddy and Tyler, or even Jules and her mysterious texter (a man). To my knowledge, there is no presence of a non-binary or agender character. Jules, a transgender woman, challenges Nate’s notion of the strict gender binary system.

Euphoria definitely relies on stereotypes because the writers of this show intend on having the characters break said stereotypes. Kat is initially insecure and self-conscious. After she has sex for the first time and the video of the act gets leaked, she redefines herself. Her sexuality blossoms throughout this show as she also begins to have casual sex which normalizing women having and enjoying sex. Kat becomes comfortable with herself by wearing clothes that are considered more edgy, outfits that she would have never worn before. Kat’s character breaks the sexuality stereotype because the media hardly ever sees a plus-sized woman be expressed in a sexually positive light, even though it may not have started out that way. Nate’s character is embodiment of the toxic, cis-gendered white masculinity. He describes the perfect girl as dressing more feminine, acting like a “proper lady,” and overall more “girly” as opposed to “tomboy.” Because he is so uncomfortable with the male sexual anatomy, and even disturbed by how comfortable others are, he may have some issues regarding internal homophobia. Nate does not really defy this stereotype, his character is the epitome of this stereotype. Maddy, a cisgender, heterosexual female, understands the delicate nature of the gender constructed society. She has prioritized Nate and his needs sexually by watching porn in order to mimic what the porn actress does so that she can please Nate. Her sexuality is rarely mentioned, it only rises in conjunction with other boys. Jules’ character as a transgender person challenges the conventional gender roles and constructs. Jules is very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and is proud of who she is.The concept of a non-binary gender system perplexes many people. With the current administration, transgender rights are not protected. In fact, transgender people are continued to be discriminated against. The Trump administration has played a major role in “withdrawing regulatory protections for transgender children in schools, fought recognition of transgender people under federal employment laws, banned transgender people from serving in the military, rolled back protections for transgender people in prisons, and threatened to cut off funding to schools that let transgender girls participate in sports” (Thoreson). Although Jules is able to be who she want to be and live the life that she wants, this may not be the case for many transgender people in the real world outside of the show.

Today people are often quick to criminalize or shun drug users and addicts. They are quick to judge and want the most severe punishment to be given. But medical professionals know that addiction is a very serious disease, one that requires “treatment, compassion, and support” (Siegel). Euphoria attempts to destigmatize and humanize addiction. The legal system should not be punishing people who have abused drugs by putting them into a jail cell where they are isolated from society, instead these people need real help through rehab and various treatments. Due to the fact that Rue had several relapses once she completed her rehab program, one may say that these programs do not work; however there is no singular timeline to get better. It may take weeks, months, or years, and the journey is difficult. But society cannot give up. Social and political reforms concerning drug use/abuse and addiction is very much needed. 

EPISODE THREE REVIEW

In ' Made You Look,' Nate meets Jules on a gay dating app disguised as Shyguy118. Although Nate doesn't identify as gay, Jules reveals being transexual and quickly falls in love with Shyguy118, oblivious to his true identity as a classmate at the same school. Maddy becomes skeptical of Nate and searches through his phone and, in shock, learns of Nate's involvement with a gay dating app and nude sending with Jules. Jules's heightened obsession over the mysterious Shyguy118 leads Jules to agree to meet Nate for the first time in person near a lake at night. While all of this unfolds, Rue, who is Jules's supportive best friend, at first, entertains Jules's fantasies by helping Jules send pornographic images to Nate. However, tension arises when Rue exposes her worries for her best friend and undeniable attraction for her as more than just friends. Unfortunately, Jules did not reciprocate the kiss they shared. This sent Rue spiraling into a frenzy and falling back into the addictive habit of taking pills and getting high, undoing Rue's 60-day clean streak. Embarrassed, Rue runs straight back to Fezco, her drug dealer, in hopes to illegally obtain more drugs to numb the humiliation she felt. Fortunately, Fezco doesn't give in to Rue and shuts the door on her, leaving Rue to look toward Ali, an omniscient man she met at a therapy gathering for drug users to seek guidance.

Kat, a Tumblr fanfiction queen, masks herself while exploring her curiosity for explicit content and webcam streaming. She exposes herself to lingerie and twerking on her account; she agrees to perform a private camera meet with a man who falls in love with Kat's powerful and sexual dominatrix persona. Originally insecure with her weight, Kat eventually learns to embrace her curves and dives into a new and unusual world of femdom. This episode also introduces Cassie. She displays as a bold, open-minded party girl that isn't phased by frat party endeavors. McKay, Cassie's crush, invites her to his frat-hazing event, and they both fall deeply in love with each other, foreshadowing potential problems to come from concupiscence for one another.

This episode involves various races but is primarily white-dominant. Cassie is blonde and white, represented as audacious and open-minded. Maddy is a cis-gender Latina and, in this episode, victimized by Nate, a white playboy who cheats on Maddy. Rue and her sister are a mix from a black mom and a white dad. Despite various races represented, this episode minimally illustrates heritage background and racial and cultural distinctiveness. There are very minimal cultural representations and race diversity besides the racially represented individuals such as Rue, Maddy, Kat, Ali, and Fezco. Although the film is predominantly white race influenced, there is still a general race narration awareness displayed in the show.  

Sexuality representation is a flourishing topic within each episode in Euphoria. Arguably one of the most influential characters in this episode, Rue, a lesbian half black teenager, finds herself falling in love with her openly transgender best friend. This tricky love triangle is demonstrated between Rue caring for Jules while she cares for Nate. Jules is head over heels for her classmate, Nate, who hasn't announced is gay but is chatting with Jules on a gay dating site. Moreover, Nate's girlfriend in this episode, Maddy, is only now beginning to question if Nate is straight like he demands he is.This episode centers around redirecting the audience's view of how a character's sexuality is initially perceived to how each character's sexuality is either nonchanging or questioned and altered due to more self-awareness. For example, Jules, from the beginning, identified as transgender and unchanging while Rue begins to question her sexuality and feelings for her friend after kissing her. Male, female, and non-binary characters speak and act quite differently in Euphoria. Male actors such as Nate, Ali, and Fezco are very much dominant and slightly manipulative in this episode. Nate is a controlling and manipulative character fueled by curiosity and confusion. Ali is a mysterious, omniscient figure who sees past Rue's addiction. Lastly, Fezco shuts Rue out when she almost dies from the drugs he gave her. The females include Maddy, Rue, Jules, Kat, and Cassie. Non-binary characters were not present in this episode; however, Nate being on a gay dating site and taking an interest in Jules knowing her being transgender urges the question of what Nate's sexuality may be. 

Cassie, in this episode, played an essential role in breaking gender profiling stereotypes. When Cassie was at the weekend frat-hazing party with McKay, she stood up to the guys at the party and took a shot of water with a live goldfish in it without hesitation, while McKay was hesitant and wanted to reject the challenge. Cassie taking that shot was significant because she didn't abide by her gender role limitations. Instead, she proved that she could equally compete alongside the frat boys at the party.

Illegal drug use for underage teenagers is very much a political issue. The creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, opens up about his struggles with addiction growing up. He talks about how his personal history of drug use as a teenager animated Rue's similar struggles in Euphoria. It's essential to recognize that Rue was not using drugs because of peer pressure but because she was struggling with "obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit disorder (ADD), general anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder" (Health, 2020). Many teens go undiagnosed with disorders like these and spend their teenage years fighting addiction and going to rehab centers, sometimes more than once in hopes of ending the addiction. There are other situations where undiagnosed individuals who don't fall victim to drug addiction still live a life of struggle with their mental illness. Euphoria sheds light on addiction and mental health and de-stigmatizes mental illness, a topic that should be further normalized and empathized with. 

EPISODE SEVEN REVIEW

“The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed” tackles a lot of issues. In many ways, this episode is openly candid about the hardships of life and the modern influences of distraction and avoidance. The candor of this episode is heartbreaking, revelating, and so, so real. The episode before the season finale follows multiple characters, including Jules, a trans woman battling confusion about her relationship with her best friend and her changing life; Cassie, a beautiful blonde teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy; and Rue, a drug addicted teenager battling a major low in her depression (Levinson 2019). This episode follows many differing plots that do not intersect in its time; however, at the root of the 59 minutes is the juxtaposition of two teenagers, the structures of family, and the deconstruction of femininity. 

As a whole, this show is unapologetically divergent from the stereotypes of society. It does not hesitate to tackle hard issues, easily addresses controversial issues regarding race, sexuality, and gender, without negating their seriousness. It makes normal the darkness we all battle in our private lives, especially in this episode. In it, characters from all walks of life get a say in the plot. Not only is the narrator and main character a gay Black women in love with her best friend, we also follow the story of Jules, a trans women, and hear from Cassie, a straight cisgender blonde girl who falls victim to the confines of the patriarchy, allowing herself to be sexualized and invalidated as a possession by the men in her life (Johnson, 2014). My only criticisms regarding this episode’s diversity is that there is little male influence or perspective on the storyline, and further, that there is little diversity outside of “black and white.” That is to say, while there are many Black characters given voice to this episode (and, by default many white characters as well), there is little representation of other ethnicities. We do not hear, for example, from the perspective of an Asian-American. That, to some extent, is an area that can be improved as the show continues. 

Earlier I mentioned the juxtaposition at the core of this episode, and I want to dive a little deeper into that. Cassie and Rue are, in many regards, polar opposites. Rue is Black, gay, struggles with drug addiction and is a social outcast. Cassie, in comparison, is blonde and blue eyed, gorgeous, and popular. Rue is an older sister; Cassie is the younger in her family. But this juxtaposition highlights the conditions of the patriarchy that define familial dynamics, such as sisterhood and motherhood, both amplifying and deconstructing those norms. For example, at the end of the episode, Rue and Cassie both go to their moms, the caretakers, for help when they reach rock bottom. Those mothers show up, and they do their job: care. However, at the same time, these mothers have taken up the role of being the breadwinner for the family as well, defying the stereotype of reliance on the male for prosperity and survival. Rue’s mom, however, is portrayed as more successful and put-together than Cassie’s mother, whom we see to be an alcoholic and basically a hot mess. This is contrary to racial stereotypes that typically portray the black community as one falling apart and the white suburban mom as picture-perfect. The gender and racial norms that society and time have produced throughout our history in America are blurred as these two realities are expressed in this show (Scott, 1986).

This episode also attacks femininity. Speaking with her friends from the city, Jules, says, “In my head, it’s like if I can conquer men, I can conquer femininity” (Levinson, 2019). This conquering, or, as Jules later says, obliteration of femininity is addressed throughout the episode. Cassie, conforming to societal expectations, allows herself to be objectified and sexualized by all the men in her life, using that perception of beauty to define her over the course of her life. Rue, on the other hand, does not conform to femininity at all, as we see in the way she dresses, and even the persona of the masculine “detective” she took on in a manic state. These three approaches to femininity contrast each other, as each one represents a different sector of diversity: race, sexuality, and gender identity. 

Euphoria is inherently political. It brings to light the reasons why the personal is political, especially in the midst of an election cycle where the rights of those who don’t conform to societal norms are under threat. This show creates an avenue for those rights and the real people behind those laws to speak and tell their own stories. Not only that, it represents mental illness and drug abuse, revealing the realities of living with these issues and bringing to light the struggles of the individual and their community through addiction and mental health crises. The show helps create empathy; empathy creates connection.  And connection, more than anything else, is something we deeply need right now. 

CITATIONS

Euphoria creator Sam Levinson on his controversial show: 'I hope it opens up a dialogue' [Interview by T. Stack]. (2019, June 16). Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2020, from https://ew.com/tv/2019/06/16/euphoria-creator-sam-levinson/.

Health, A. (2020). How HBO’s ‘Euphoria’ Depicts Teenage Drug Addiction Accurately. Retrieved 14 November 2020, from https://amhealth.com/2019/09/25/how-hbos-euphoria-depicts-teenage-drug-addiction-accurately/

Johnson, A. G. (2020). Patriarchy, the System: An It, Not a He, a Them, or an Us. In 1046495481 799935172 G. Kirk & 1046495482 799935172 M. Okazawa-Rey (Authors), Gendered Lives: Intersectional Perspectives (Seventh ed., pp. 62-70). New York, New York: Oxford University Press. (The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy, (2014))

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019). Euphoria [Television series]. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, June 23). Stuntin’ Like My Daddy [Television series episode] In Euphoria. HBO.

Levinson, S. (Writer). (2019, July 28). The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed [Television series episode]. In Euphoria. HBO.

Scott, J. (1986). Gender: A Useful Category of Historical Analysis. The American Historical Review. doi:10.1086/ahr/91.5.1053

Siegel, Z. (2019, August 06). Euphoria Doesn't Have a Drug Problem. Retrieved November 12, 2020, from https://www.vulture.com/2019/08/euphoria-hbo-drug-addiction-overdose.html

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 9 ~The Perfect Illusion~

Claire splashed water on her face, the refreshing coolness tempering her heated cheeks. Rotating her head and shoulders after a quick dry off, her joints popped and cracked. She looked at her reflection on the mirror and puffed out her cheeks. There were dark circles under her eyes, contrasting the paleness of her skin, and her curls stood out in places despite the hair tie and pins. She looked ghastly and was bone-tired and longed for a shower and bed. It was her first bathroom break in over eight hours, and she hadn't eaten a morsel nor drank anything. Squeezing her eyes shut, she took deep fortifying breaths and wondered how much more she could take.

Ever since returning back to work over a week ago, she had been alienated and cut-off by her colleagues at the hospital. No one, not even her once so-called friends, wanted to speak to her unless it was work-related. Once admired and applauded for her brilliance as a doctor, she was now shunned and spurned. They whispered and gossiped behind her back and sneered when they thought she wasn't looking. And the reporters who'd taken a keen interest in her, only made her predicament worse, almost getting herself arrested the other day on charges of assaulting a journalist. It happened while she was hurrying to an emergency and because of the photographer's sheer persistence to take a close-up photo, she'd shoved him out of the way, knocking him over. The charges were eventually dropped, but it didn't diminish her distress over the situation.

She'd known settling back to her old life wouldn't be easy, but reality hit her harder than she'd anticipated. She wondered how much Frank had divulged to the staff, as it was quite apparent that they had taken his side and taken matters into their own hands. Her stuff and charts started to get misplaced, her work schedules consisted of nights and double shifts, and senior staffs reprimanded and blamed her for the most inconsequential things. But she swore, no matter how bad the situation got, she would not break, even though she found it humiliating to have her life picked apart and scrutinised.

During the last few days, she'd tried to get hold of Frank to arrange a day to collect her things from his apartment, but it was becoming more obvious he was avoiding her. She knew he was playing his brokenhearted card after uncle Lamb informed her that Frank had taken a restraining order against him. When she'd asked her uncle what he'd done and said to him, he'd refused to share, citing that it was a conversation between two men and unfit for a young woman's ears. That alone was already quite telling and knowing her uncle, she knew it hadn't been pretty.

She sighed. Emotionally and physically drained, she slipped out of the toilet and went to the staff room. To her relief, it was empty. Taking a paper cup of water, she sat in the farthest area of the room and drank thirstily, trying her best to hold it together. Just another couple more hours and she was free to have her day and a half off.

"Claire?"

She stiffened. Though she'd wanted to speak to Frank for days, she didn't know if she had the strength right now. Who would have imagined being loathed by her work colleagues, would take so much out of her. She forced herself to meet his gaze. "Frank."

"Are you alright?" His normally neat dark brown hair was tousled, and he looked like he hadn't been getting much sleep either. 

"What do you think?" A sad smile formed her lips.

Sighing, he took a seat opposite her. "I know you're having a difficult time at the moment, but it will soon blow over. I was thinking ...maybe it would be a good idea if we took a holiday together. You know ...to reconnect and get some much-needed rest and get away from all this mess."

She stifled a groan of frustration.  What the hell? Why couldn't he get it?  "Frank, please. We've been through this already. A holiday cannot fix us. In fact, nothing can fix us anymore. Let's not do this again ...please. I'm tired, and all I want is peace of mind."

"No, Claire. You don't seem to understand. We belong to each other. You are confused because there are people in your life who are trying to separate us. And they are trying to make it out as if I'm the problem."

"Frank ..."

He reached out to take her hands in his, but she snatched them back. "Listen to me. They're trying to hinder your true potential when you could be much more. The only thing I'm guilty of is pushing you too hard to be a better version of yourself. It was a mistake, I know that now and I want to make it up to you. Please let me."

"Frank, this is unhealthy. I care about you, but I don't love you the way I used to, and you can't make me. Let's just learn from this mistake and move on. It is for the best."

His lips tightened, and determination carved out on his face. "Can't you see? Your friends are messing with your brain and feeding you all sorts of nonsense. And your uncle ... I believe he is not well. He should seek professional help. He is a violent man and could be a danger to society. And as for you, you need help too. It seems you are having difficulty functioning with the stress you are under. Let me help you, Claire, for the sake of your career and your mental health."

Dread snaked up her spine. "There is nothing wrong with my uncle. Whatever he said to you, he was just trying to protect me. This has nothing to do with him, my friends, my career or my mental health. Leave them out of it. This is between us, Frank," she grated.

He shrugged. "I've discussed you intensively with certain key people. I'm worried that after all that happened recently, it's affecting your ability to make the right decision under pressure here at work. Lives could be at stake if we don't address this. I've told them that your mental state had to do with the stress from wedding planning. I assured them I'd personally make sure your condition is assessed to see if you're fit to work."

"What are you trying to say, Frank?" Her body started to tremble with fury. 

He stood up, thrust his hands in his pants' pocket and spoke with controlled calm. "What I'm trying to tell you is, you are mine, and we are meant to be together. And I'd do anything in my power to get you back. The sooner you accept that, the better it is for your career. Oh, and by the way, I've changed the locks to my apartment. There is no need for you to collect your things. Eventually, you'll be moving right back in. And get rid of that James Fraser. He's not good for your image. Once you've made your decision, let me know. I trust you'll make the right one."

"You lying bastard! You can't do this! I'll report you to the authorities!" she seethed.

"Try me. I have friends in high places." He turned around to go but stopped midway. "And darling, please go home and get some rest. Those dark circles under your eyes aren't doing you any favour." And then he left.

Too shocked, Claire remained unmoving trying to grasp what just happened. The man she had once loved had turned into someone she hardly recognised. A part of her refused to think he was capable of blackmail and threats, but she had her uncle to think about. It was true what Frank had just said. He had friends at the high places, and it was his words against hers. 

She shoved her fear aside. There was no need to blow it out of proportion just yet when she was far too exhausted to think straight. It could only be that Frank was still miffed about the whole situation of their break up and he was saying things out of anger. She would play it out for a few more days, see how the next week pans out and then she will make her decision.

The pocket of her jacket buzzed, and absentmindedly, she grabbed her phone. Swiping the screen, she smiled when she saw a text notification from Jamie. She hadn't seen him since she started work as most of her free time was spent catching up on sleep. Although he'd called almost every day to check up on her, she missed his reassuring presence and their easy banter. She read the message and all thoughts of Frank and her tiredness slipped away.

Just remembered you're free tonight and tomorrow. Is it alright if I stop by? Got some news to share. x

A warm glow spread across her belly, and her heart did a gentle pitter-patter.  Ah, why not?  She didn't want to spend her first day off since coming back to work worrying about Frank. 

She quickly texted back. 

Come on over. I can't wait to see you. x

And she meant it.

..........

Jamie knocked and waited. He'd driven twice past Claire's cottage, and he'd recognised the paparazzi van parked just across her street. It was the same one that used to park near his apartment building.  Bastards!  Instead of parking on her driveway, he decided to park several streets away. On his way to her house, he jogged through a maze of residences and gardens, avoided the roads, climbed a brick wall, and now he was stood at her back door. 

He knocked again. 

Sensing movement in the kitchen, he leaned forward and whispered out loud. "Sassenach! It's me!" 

He heard Claire muttering as she unlatched the bolts. "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! You frightened the hell out of me! I thought you're a reporter."

The door swung open, and he lifted the carrier bag high. "Surprise! I have pizza and red wine. I hope ye haven't ..." His speech left him as his gaze landed on her figure.  Christ!

When it came to women and seduction, he was used to clingy, slinky dresses, stilettos, musky perfume and red painted lips. The woman before him was displaying none, but yet, the way she looked, made the blood roar in his ears and his cock strain achingly against his jeans. He gulped and tried to even his breathing. 

Her skin was damp, and her hair was loosely tied back, dark tendrils of wild curls framing her flushed face. She wore a white cotton shirt nightgown that fell above her knees, and her feet were bare. Although she was modestly covered, he could see the faint outline of her breast and the swell of her hips. The clean smell of shower gel drifted to his nostril, making him want to lift her up against him and bury his face on the crook of her neck.

"Jamie?" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Are you alright?"

"Uh, hey!"

"Hey? What kind of greeting is that?"

He shook himself. And with a lot of effort, kept his gaze on her face. "Have ye eaten?"

"Oh, sweet mother of God, get in here," she mumbled, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him indoors. Electricity shot through his veins and his mouth dried up at her touch. "Haven't you notice there's a reporter's van outside?"

"Oh, that, aye. I-I saw ...," Jamie replied hoarsely, almost croaking.

She shut the door and eyed him suspiciously. "What's the matter with you?"

"What's the matter with me?"

"Do I hear an echo?"

"Ye dae?"

"Jamie!"

Fuck!  "I'm sorry. I'm out of breath. I parked the car far away from here and had to jog." 

She didn't believe him. When she crossed her arms across her chest, he couldn't help seeing the shadows of her nipples underneath the innocent white cotton. A moan almost escaped his mouth, and he was glad he had the carrier bag in front of him to conceal the strain in front of his jeans. "You're never out of breath, Jamie. What's up?" 

"What's up?"

"Jamie! You're doing it again! You're repeating what I'm saying."

Christ, what's wrong with me?  He was acting like a horny teenager, and if Claire found out, he was a hundred per cent sure she would throw him out.  Definitely, not happening!

"Here," he barked, thrusting the bag of pizza and red wine at her. "It'll save ye preparing dinner." He immediately regretted snapping at her, but to his relief, she simply rolled her eyes and took the bag from him. 

"You're really acting odd, but I won't argue with you. Only because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten all day," she chattered, placing the bag on the counter and pulling out the bottle of wine.  

While her back was turned, he took the opportunity to dive in behind the kitchen table. "So, has Frank spoken to you yet?" he asked nonchalantly, the mention of her ex-fiance slightly softening his erection.

He saw her shoulder brace, and she stopped what she was doing. "Actually, he did, today. But I don't want to talk about him."

He didn't like the subdued tone of her voice. "He didn't threaten ye, did he?" he asked softly. 

"Well, Frank said a lot of things out of anger and hurt. I don't think he meant any of it." She turned around and handed him the wine and the corkscrew. "He's still hoping we'd get back together, but I guess it's difficult for him to accept that we aren't. I'm quite sure in time, he would."

Mental alarm bells went off. "Frank's very persistent, isn't he? Just be very careful, Sassenach. I do not mean to frighten ye, but I think he is up to something dodgy."

She frowned. "Dodgy? What do you mean?" 

"I was handed a restraining order from the sheriff court on behalf of Frank this morning, and I have nae idea why. I've only met the man once, exchanged a few words and that was at your uncle's apartment."

"Wot?" She looked at him in disbelief. "My uncle received one as well! I can understand why he got one ...but you? And how is that even possible Frank could have restraining orders handed out like they were lollies? Isn't there a process in court for that?" 

Jamie shrugged. "I guess he knows the right people."

She blew out a breath. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I don't know why you're getting involved in this whole mess. This isn't even your problem, and I feel you're being dragged into it because of me."

Something was definitely off, but he didn't want her fretting. "Look ...dinna fash. I'll have our family lawyer look into it. Nae use worrying about something we don't know about. Maybe he had the restraining order sent as a way of intimidating ye. Just, make sure ye don't find yersel' alone with him. The good thing about the paparazzi outside, at least there'll always be someone watching over ye and the house."

She contemplated his words and sighed in resignation. "I supposed so. Intimidation seems to be his forte, but I'd never known him to be ruthless." She placed the pizza, plates and cutleries on the table and sat down opposite him. "Ah, what the hell, it's my day off tomorrow. So let's not ruin it talking about Frank. Tell me about your news."

"Right, about that," he began, helping himself to a pizza, glad of the change in subject. "My agent informed me that the network is considering me for the TV presenting job. There are other candidates, of course, but apparently, I've been mentioned on the big table more than once. I didn't even think my name would even cross their lips because of my reputation."

"Jamie, that's fabulous," she breathed. "I've watched you so many times on TV talk about rugby, and I thought back then you'd do a great job presenting sports. Your voice sounds great, and you've always looked comfortable on camera. And when you speak, the words just flow out of you. Of course, they'd consider you. That's no surprise there." 

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Jamie couldn't hide his amused smile. It felt great to be talking about the sport he loved. Although it had been perceived as a touchy subject by most people he knew, Claire didn't walk on eggshells around him. "You really like rugby, don't ye?"

"I've always watched the rugby. Sometimes with my uncle and sometimes with Joe and Geillis," she explained, offhandedly, taking a sip of the wine. "And I've seen the game live a few times when I was assisting Joe and his medical crew for your team. I've even tended to you once."

His felt the heat creep up his face. "Aye, Joe recently told me. Nae wonder ye looked familiar when I saw ye in Lallybroch. I was such an arse to ye, wasn't I?"

"Bygones," she laughed, waving a hand in dismissal of the topic. "Anyway, I think you'll get the job. I've seen the other candidates' names on an article online, and I don't think anyone can surpass you. Your evident passion for the game is what's going to get you through."

"Aye?" Seeing her enthusiasm caused an uncomfortable tug on his chest, but he cleared his throat through it. He didn't know how much time they had together if he got the job, and that's a big "if." With her work schedule and a possible place on TV, he'd probably never see her again. "Let's not get carried away, Sassenach. There's still my reputation to consider, and that could be my downfall. My agent suggested I need a change of image befitting a family network."

"Oh! Change of image? How are you going to do that?"

He leaned back on his chair and exhaled deeply. "Christ knows! Maybe I should get a cottage in the countryside, plant loads of flowers and perhaps get two dogs."

They laughed at each other for a few seconds before Claire stilled on her chair and pink bloomed on her cheeks. "Oh, wait! I have a brilliant idea. One that doesn't require you to buy a property in the countryside. And I think it might just work," she whispered.

He looked at her warily. "Sassenach ...why am I getting a feeling I'm not going to like what ye're about to say?"

"Hear me out first. You've never been in a committed relationship, right?"

"Bloody hell! I told yer uncle Lamb that in confidence," he fumed, dragging a hand behind his neck.

"Oh, shush, will you? Listen! If you want to get rid of your player image, you need to look like you're not afraid of commitment. And there's a way to do that."

"Sassenach ..." His heart pummeled hard against his ribs.

"You could pretend to be my boyfriend," she blurted out.

"Have ye gone mad?"

"Maybe." Her cheeks turned from pink to dark crimson. "It'll only be until the network are convinced that you are not a commitment-phobe. And who knows, the journalists may even write an article about you in a good light. That should help your image."

"No!" 

"We wouldn't be actually ...you know, doing it." 

"Ha! Ye'd be the first person to date me without the perks! Sorry, no! Not happening!"

"No? Why not?"

"Because!" he snapped. "Yer stock will go in the opposite direction. Ye're a doctor for crying out loud, and if ye're connected to me in any way, ye'll never be taken seriously. Ye'll just be another notch on James Fraser's bedpost."

The light in her eyes dimmed. "Goodness, Jamie, you really do have quite a low opinion about yourself, don't you?" she whispered. "Answer me this. Are you only worried about people thinking I've made a wrong decision ... or do you actually believe it?" 

"It doesn't matter what I believe in," he muttered.

"Of course, it matters, damn it!" she argued. "You've been encouraging me to stand up to Frank. Now I want you to stand up to all the false rumours that were written about you. How do you expect me to listen to you ever again if you're not practising what you preach?"

"They'll drag your name through the mud and then leave ye hanging out to dry. I can take the beating, Sassenach but I cannot bear to see ye go through all that."

"They've done that already, Jamie," she said with a sadness that clenched his guts. "I've been labelled a whore, and a cheating fiancee. And Frank had already made sure to make my life at work a living hell. I have nothing else to lose, but I could help you get this job. At least, all the name callings and accusations will not be in vain."

Seeing the determination in her frame, Jamie knew he was fighting a losing battle, but he had another defence up his sleeve. "Pretending to be in a relationship to fool the press will not be easy."

"We'll work on it," she said firmly, her chin jutting out in defiance.

Christ, she's stubborn!  Although the idea was becoming more tempting by the minute, he needed to give her a chance to back out. He cleared his throat and leaned forward. "The camera will always be pointed at us, and we need to look convincing as a new couple. There'll be a lot of PDA when we're in public; otherwise, they'll smell foul play." 

"What's PDA?"

"Public display of affection. Like kissing and holding hands." His voice sounded mangled. The thought of kissing and holding her made his cock spring back to life.  Ah, fuck!

"We've done the kissing and holding hands already, so that won't be new to us. Besides, they think we're a couple already."

"It willnae be pretend-kissing," he rasped. "Those paparazzi have state of the art cameras and can zoom in from long distances. They'll know if we're faking it and they willnae hesitate to label it as such."

She didn't look perturbed at all. "Have I ever fake kissed you?" He nearly groaned out loud.  Down, lad, down!  He shifted uncomfortably on his seat and bit his lip hard to cut through his hard-on.

Ignoring her question, he soldiered on. "To be convincing, we can't tell anyone that we're in a fake relationship ...not even friends or family. We can't risk anyone slipping up. The less who knows, the better."

"I can live with that."

"We'd be playing a dangerous game ..."

"Frank likes to play games. Maybe this will sharpen my skills."

"Sassenach ..."

"What?"

"Are ye sure ye want to do this?"

Her face softened as she smiled, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "Yes, I'm quite sure. You helped me get away from Frank, so now let me help you get the job. That's what friends do for each other, right?"

Suddenly, hope started to emerge.  This could really work.  Didn't his agent say his only drawback was his reputation? If they manage to convince the network he was settling down, he could get the job he wanted. He would be presenting and talking about the sport he loved. In time, people would only see the sports personality that he was and not some philanderer the tabloids painted him to be. Maybe, somewhere along the line, he could also help budding talents break through the world of rugby or coach younger teams. 

He let that soak in for a while, but there was a niggling feeling that wouldn't quite settle.  How about Claire? What if I did get the job?  It would probably mean relocating to London. He tried to imagine not seeing her again, and he didn't like the idea one bit. Asking her to move away from Edinburgh would be crazy. She wasn't his, and he wasn't even sure if they would work together.

He should be happy that Claire was willing to help him. But how come it felt like an anvil had just fallen between them?

That's what friends do for each other, right?   She'd said.

Claire frowned. "What's the matter?"

He looked at her beautiful face. There was still time before the network announced who would get the job. Pushing his dark thoughts away, he decided right there and then, he would make sure every moment with Claire counts. "Nothing ... I was just thinking, maybe we ought to start practising on those PDA moves," he grinned, winking at her.

She threw a napkin at him and laughed. "Cheeky bastard!"

[freedomfromfictionblog]

#ExJW : My Disfellowshipping and The Loss of My Family

Loss of family and community or ostracisation is a main form of punishment used by cult-like religions. The threat and fear of loss that if you leave or question your faith or even commit certain sins means you could lose everyone you know and care about. This type of mental manipulation is extremely common in religions with one such cult-like religion being Jehovah’s Witnesses. This tactic is extremely effective regardless if you convert to the religion or are unfortunate enough to be born into it. If you convert to the religion, they encourage you to cut ties with anyone you know that are not part of the religion, regardless if they are family and friends. If you are born and/or raised in the religion then you are in a particularly bad position as to leave would mean losing your whole life as you have known it as well as everyone you know and everything you know is built around the religion.

Being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness,  I was not allowed to make friends or any type of lasting ties with anyone outside of the religion as these people are known as “Worldly People”. You are taught that the reason they are “bad influences” is because they are not a part of God’s earthly organisation. They take this same approach with literature and any formal education that is not provided by what is known as “The Governing Body of The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society”. Essentially this means you have very little if anything to do with people, education and even literature from outside of the religion.

Jehovah’s witnesses use one main form of punishment for questioning the faith or committing certain sins which is known as “Disfellowshipping”. This particular punishment was used to try and correct my way of life and continuous questioning during the later stages of my approaching the point of leaving the religion.

I was married (very young as is the tradition) and the marriage was not going very well. My wife was very abusive both mentally and physically. You can imagine how humiliating this was considering I was taught that I was supposed to be the head of the household. One particular night the situation became out of control and fearing for my safety I called the police. They arrived and managed to get her under control. Allegedly she had been drinking and was not able to leave the house and the police asked if I had a friend I could stay with and I eventually made my way to a friend’s house. At this point, I thought our marriage was as good as over and even though Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t allowed to divorce, I felt the elders in the congregation would be understanding of the situation (unfortunately I was wrong but I can go into that in another post). I arrived at my friend’s house who had some friends and family staying over (all Jehovah Witnesses). During the night some unexpected and unforeseen series of events happened that led me to have sex with his sister.

Sex outside of marriage is a major sin in the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses, let alone that I had also cheated on my wife. Regardless of all the mental and physical abuse, she had perpetrated against me, my infidelity brought the focus of blame and wrongdoing on me. This resulted in an enquiry by the elders in the congregation, which with my known history of regularly questioning the faith and furthering questioning of answers I was given, I was disfellowshipped.

It was at that moment my entire world came crashing down on itself. In an instant I had no support network, no family, no friends and no community. This was a very dark time for me; I remember falling to my knees in emotional agony and an intensifying feeling of isolation as the reality sunk in more and more. I said the words out loud “Satan I am now yours; God has forsaken me; my family has forsaken me, and my friends have forsaken me”. This led to a long period of depression that was later followed by a mental breakdown, thoughts of suicide later followed by attempts due to feeling so unwanted. It did not help that I was told to stay with my abusive wife which of course, being with someone who was abusive in such an extreme way, did not help with the feelings of being unwanted and isolated.

This is the exact impact disfellowshipping is designed to have. People you have known your entire life, family members and your closest friends will walk by you in the street and ignore your existence entirely. It makes you feel so alone and isolated from everything and everyone you know that it makes you want to return and never do anything or question anything that could result in you having to experience anything like this again.  You see this happen again and again whilst you are in the within the community.

In order to return you must continue to attend the meetings, but you are not allowed to enter Kingdom Hall until after the program has started and must leave just before it is finished. You must also sit in the very back row and are not able to speak to anyone or participate in the program at all.

What helped me to pull myself together and begin recovering from my breakdown and lift myself from my depression was anger and determination. Being removed from all influences in the religion left me with a lot of time to think about my questions and doubts in the faith over the years and they began to cement. I had time to start researching answers to questions using outside literature. Eventually, I could see how unloving and cruel this entire process was, and this was supposedly god’s all-loving earthly organisation. So, I formulated a plan, I wasn’t going to be kicked out of the religion, I would get accepted back, otherwise known as “reinstatement as a Jehovah’s Witness”. Then leave on my own terms not long after.

So, I started the road to return and be accepted back into god’s organisation. I attended all the meetings as was required of me. I didn’t miss a single one no matter how humiliating the road back was going to be I was determined to be accepted back. After a few months of this I was eventually reinstated as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Everyone that had been shunning me so intensely was suddenly so happy to see me and extremely welcoming to me, a lost brother returning to the fold.

Even with my plan to be accepted back and leave on my own terms not long after I’d be lying if I said the sense of acceptance being back again didn’t cause a wavering in my resolve. I mean I had just got my family, my friends and my community back. This caused me to stay a few more months however not long after split with my wife. We were not allowed to divorce so we just lived apart (this was still frowned upon) but she ended up having sex with another fringe dweller Jehovah’s Witness which freed me for a scriptural divorce. The only way a man can divorce his wife by scripture is if she lays with another man and vice versa, but originally, she decided not to divorce me. I began divorce proceedings with the elders still putting pressure on for us to stay together. Eventually once the divorce was over, I decided it was time to finish executing my plan, but I will leave that for another blog post.

[fierce-little-miana]

Why do I like Medea?

@irleughlivelyatalanteangodfan asked “May I ask what you like most about Medea?”

To which my first reaction is what is there not to like?

Of course of course someone might answered me that even in the more positive version of the myth Medea is at the very least a murderer. In the worst version she is a fratricide, infanticide, and mass-murderer. So there are indeed things to discuss.

First I must say that I love Medea the most at her worst. I do believe the academics working on the myth finding trace of older versions in which Medea is not at her worst are producing necessary content because it is solid and necessary academic work. And it is not uninteresting to see how with each newer version her depiction tended to be blacken. There is indeed something to be said of a myth that goes from a mythical magical woman to a murderous vengeful woman, especially when this woman is powerful in her own right (her magic) and foreign (three things that ancient Greeks despised). But that is not the appeal of the character to me.

No I love Medea in her murderous rage. I love everything that “dark” Medea stands for. One of the main thing being:

Feminine Rage:

This the name I give to something that became, without me noticing it, one of my favorite tropes in media. It is when a woman just snaps when confronted for the umpteenth time with something fundamentally unfair, fundamentally degrading, that is only leveraged against her because she is a woman.  

There are ways women are supposed to bear pain, humiliation, or attacks against themselves, that are dignified and are positively recognized by society. Gendered ways. While a man is going to fight against adversity a woman is going to endure it. I personally find it extremely disempowering. Resilience has good sides of course but it is not proactive, it is enduring a situation up until it changes of its own accord. Yet this is what women are taught to do. And women are taught to be resilient in the eyes of a society that covers them with outrages specifically because they are women.

A woman who ends up resorting to violence is a great transgressor. Violence is a transgression that might get women completely shun from the “civilized” world (whereas it is not automatic for men). And yet I think there is a secret fear/desire for a lot of women that they are actually one step or two away to falling into primal violence (I am not saying that all women feel like that obviously but the idea seems to speak to too many to be described as only personal).

I recently found this quote that goes in this sens pretty well:

“almost every woman i have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against ‘losing control’ — of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mind”

Elana Dykewomon “Notes for a Magazine”

Women are divorced from their violent impulse, from a part of themselves, for the best and for the worst. This feminine rage is powerful way to reconnect with this part of themselves in a eyes of a society that keeps on tormenting them.

That’s what Medea story is in the end. A total dip in primal violence to avenge all the offenses she had to bear because she is a woman. And she only can regain her dignity, and a real agency through this violence.

Medea’s story is incredibly gendered. Sure there is the theme of who is the real criminal: the one committing the crime or the one not preventing it and benefiting from it? But it is mainly the story of a woman who sacrificed everything she had (rank, reputation, honor, morality) to make her husband and family succeed. She got her husband out of all dangerous situations they faced together, and has even offered him opportunity he wouldn’t have had without her. The story of Medea is the one of an older woman whose husband can’t use her anymore after having made her sacrifice everything.

So Medea snaps and exercises powerful violence on her husband and everyone who is working with him to strap her of what remains: her sense of self (I don’t know if it is in every version but in at least some of them Creusa asks to be able to wear Medea’s wedding dress to her own wedding). She punishes them all and finds herself back in the process. Even if she has to suffer excoriating pain in order to do so (killing her own sons) as long as the others suffer more than her and are punished according to their crimes she will not falter.

Medea is feminine rage at its peak, uncompromising and lethal. There is something extremely cathartic in this for me.

The story of Medea is also the story of a foreigner in an hostile land. It is less important than the woman part for me but still essential. And that is why I really like that in the french comic book by Le Called and Peña they do present her as significantly different from the Greeks women and significantly darker.

Not like any other:

Medea, like most of characters in myth, is related to gods. Circe is her aunt, so she is related to Hecate, which is unsurprising considering that she is a magician (a deeply feminine power in most greek myth). But she is also the granddaughter of Helios (actually all four of her grandparents are gods or close to be). But Medea isn’t just related to gods, she behaves like one.

Medea destroys not only Creon and his daughter but in some of the version she is responsible for the burning of the entire city. Exactly like an angry god who has been disrespected by members of a community and brought their anger on all the community (granted the citizens of Corinth did not like her but still).

But it is the punition that she reserve to Jason that strikes me as the most god-like. In ancient Greek myths gods often punishes humans or other gods who had wronged them with fates worse than death (like Prometheus or Lycaon of Arcadia). This is exactly what she does to Jason. She takes everything from him, everything, but she leaves him alive so he has to live through his punishment. He is left with nothing except maybe the shame of being Jason. Even in the Divine Comedy (written in the 14th century and not directly concerned with the Argonauts or Medea) Jason is placed in Hell for what he did to several women.

Medea is superior to nearly everyone else she runs into in her story and her actions in Corinth is a way for her to reclaim that.

A reasonable women:

Medea most famous deed might have been the killing of her sons in Corinth to annihilate Jason but even in this she keeps on being rational. She might fall prey to primal violence but she still plans and executes it with meticulousness.

After all apparently her name comes from the verbs μήδομαι / mêdomai which means to meditate, and might come from an earlier root meaning: understand/conceive.

Medea is victorious thanks to the power of her reason and cleverness. She doesn’t kill Pelias, she convinces his daughters to do so by tricking them into believing that they are going to make him young and healthy again. She gets the Golden Fleece. She gets the very dreadful idea of how to slow down her pursuing father’s fleet. Medea is not only powerful because she is a great magician. She is powerful because she is a smart, ruthless, dedicated woman.

In Corneille’s version, Pollux (an Argonaut whose role here is to be the confident of Jason) has this to say about Jason’s plan of marrying Creusa :

“Bien que de tous côtés l'affaire résolue

Ne laisse aucune place aux conseils d'un ami,

Je ne puis toutefois l'approuver qu'à demi.

Sur quoi que vous fondiez un traitement si rude,

C'est montrer pour Médée un peu d'ingratitude :

Ce qu'elle a fait pour vous est mal récompensé.

Il faut craindre après tout son courage offensé ;

Vous savez mieux que moi ce que peuvent ses charmes.”

Basically this replica starts with Pollux saying that he knows Jason isn’t going to listen to him but still what he is doing to Medea (repudiating and banishing her) is not cool. He finishes by “We need to fear her offended courage / You know better than me what her spells are capable of.” To which Jason answers something along the lines “no worries, her banishment should be enough to tame her”. To this Pollux retorts:

“Gardez d'avoir sujet de vous en repentir.”

Which roughly translates as “Be careful to not end up sorry about it.” Later in the play it seems that Medea has accepted her fate and she has given her wedding dress as a present to Creusa. Everyone thinks that everything is going great and this what Pollux as to say about this:

“J'eus toujours pour suspects les dons des ennemis :

Ils font assez souvent ce que n'ont pu leurs armes.

Je connais de Médée et l'esprit et les charmes,

Et veux bien m'exposer aux plus cruels trépas,

Si ce rare présent n'est un mortel appas.”

He starts by saying that gifts from enemies are always suspicious and dangerous and then say that since it is something from Medea he is ready to bet his life that it is a deadly trap (and by the way he is absolutely correct). This is how the verse from the middle of the replica translates:  “I know of Medea her spirit and her spells”. We can see that in this version, Pollux is deadly sure that Medea isn’t going to take that laying down and that she is going to be a formidable foe. But it is not only her magical ability that he recognises as dangerous (even if he insists a lot on it), it is her courage and her mind (reason).

Medea isn't cold, she burns bright, but she is still a calculating strategist whose magic is as dangerous as the way she uses her mind.

In the end, Medea embodies one of my favorite trope which is woman giving in to a justified burning anger more than ready to bear the consequences of said anger. She does so while acting and thinking like a god and being the best strategist in the room.

A god-like angry clever scorned woman? What is there not to love in her?

[love-god-forever]

Reflection About Life: What Can Bring Us Real Happiness?

By Chen Jiaxi

Everyone wishes to have a successful life surrounded by others’ admiration and praise, and we throw everything into this pursuit. But few have ever reflected upon this: What can bring us real happiness? What is the most valuable thing we should pursue? This article will explore the meaning of life with you.

In order to be successful and lead a superior lifestyle, I, just like all my friends in my village, had been working hard to equip myself with various skills.

Several years later, we all grew up and had our own family and career. Among my friends, some had a company of their own, some bought a car worth millions and returned home a man of wealth, and some had carved out a place in their business. Yet compared with them, I just had a stable family and a pretty ordinary life with no fame, fancy car, or big mansion. Unwilling to be left behind, I then started up my own pig farming business.

Running this business in the beginning was really tough for me, but with the conviction that “No pain, no gain,” I didn’t surrender to the difficulties I was confronted with, but persisted in tending those little piglets from dawn till dark. After a period of hard work, I eventually became a well-known livestock raiser in the local place. Constant TV interviews, the government’s commendation, plus my friends’ flattery greatly satisfied my vanity.

However, misfortune came upon me unexpectedly. Frequent outbreaks of plague coupled with the rapid decline of the pork price made my business sink into slump. At the same time, I was diagnosed with thyroid tumor as a result of long-term fatigue and enormous pressure, which made my situation even worse. “I haven’t achieved something. Am I going to die like this?” I really couldn’t accept this fact. Yet in the face of the illness, I could do nothing but helplessly await the judgment of my destiny. Fortunately, my tumor was later diagnosed as benign. I told myself: Since I dodged a bullet this time, I will definitely have good fortune in the future. So I became more determined to carve out a career for myself.

Later, I got into direct sales business, where I saw some people who came from a lower level in society had overnight turned into “successful men” and gave lectures to thousands of people on the stage, surrounded by flowers and applause, looking so dazzling and brilliant. There I seemed to catch a glimpse of hope, feeling that success was beckoning to me ahead.

In the following days, I traveled around the country learning how to establish a new market in a strange place, how to build up friendships with people and win their trust. Even though sometimes the meeting I attended finished at midnight, I didn’t feel tired at all. I kept telling myself, “No pain, no gain.” After a year of hard effort, I finally managed to establish a team of my own. But at that time I was still not content with what I’d achieved, and continued striving for a higher position.

Finally, I had a bit of a name in this line of work, and was frequently invited to give lectures and share my experience in many places. Whenever I stood on the platform and saw the admiring gazes of hundreds or even thousands of people below, an unspeakable sense of contentment and achievement would well up in my heart. In that moment, I felt all the effort I had paid was worth it.

However, good time didn’t last long. Just as I was immersed in the joy of success, my team suddenly lost two markets, which meant all my previous effort was in vain. Unable to accept this fact, I locked myself in the room and burst out crying. I felt so exhausted that I really wanted to give up. Yet as I calmed down, I thought, “Over these years I’ve been working hard to accumulate experience. Am I gonna give up so easily? No, I cannot. I cannot just live a life so ordinary. I must pick myself up!”

Thereafter I started all over again. In order to broaden my connections and establish markets, I learned how to flatter and toady up to others and even stoop to compromise. Yet when I reestablished my markets, all this bitterness and suffering seemed to be cast into the back of my mind and I started setting higher goals and traveled around the world to study. During that time, I was designated by a top leader as director of the training center in Hong Kong.

As I was interacting with all kinds of higher-ups, all I saw was how they schemed and fought with each other for fame and fortune. I couldn’t help asking myself: I’ve always been striving for higher positions and greater interests, but what good is it even if I achieve my goal? Living in this society where the strong prey on the weak, could I keep my integrity? Is this what I really want, a life full of strife? Gradually, I grew tired of this kind of life, but in order to keep what I had owned, I had no choice but to force myself to hang in there. During that period, every day I returned home I felt weary and I kept asking myself: I’ve won others’ admiration and praise and lived an aristocratic life, but why don’t I feel any happiness or joy?

Finally one day, I found the answer in God’s word, which says, “So Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts until all they can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds man with invisible shackles. These shackles are borne on people, and they have not the strength nor courage to throw them off. So people trudge ever onward in great difficulty, unknowingly bearing these shackles. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him, and they become more and more wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the fame and gain of Satan. Looking now at Satan’s actions, are its sinister motives abominable? Maybe today you still cannot see through Satan’s sinister motives because you think that there is no life without fame and gain. You think that, if people leave fame and gain behind, then they will no longer be able to see the way ahead, no longer be able to see their goals, their future becomes dark, dim and gloomy. But, slowly, you will all one day recognize that fame and gain are monstrous shackles that Satan uses to bind man. Until the day you come to recognize this, you will thoroughly resist Satan’s control and thoroughly resist the shackles Satan brings to bind you. When the time comes for you to wish to throw off all the things Satan has instilled in you, you will then make a clean break with Satan and will also truly loathe all that Satan has brought to you. Only then will you have a real love and yearning for God.”

After reading God’s words, I came to understand that pursuing fame and gain is walking on a wrong path and that fame and gain are shackles Satan uses to bind us. Satan plants these poisons deep within our hearts, such as “No pain, no gain,” “People struggle to go upward, but water flows downward,” and “Distinguish oneself to bring glory to family and ancestors,” so that more and more people take getting ahead of others and standing out from the crowd as the goals to pursue in life. In order to acquire fame and gain, they are willing to pay any price and in this pursuit they contend and fight with each other, so much so that they are becoming more and more evil and corrupt until they finally end up being devoured by Satan. I was just a living example. Deeply affected by this poison of Satan, “No pain, no gain,” I had been very arrogant and ambitious since I was a child, pursuing to be outstanding and bring glory to my family. I believed that such kind of life was honorable and most valuable. So when I saw people around me all led a superior life, I was not willing to fall behind them, and thus began to run a pig farm in the hope of being successful. Even when I ended up in failure and was afflicted by illness, I still didn’t give up my pursuit of fame and gain. When I saw those who came from the low level of society obtained both fame and gain in the direct sales business, I was consumed with envy and then threw myself into this field. In order to achieve success, I busied myself day and night with no regard for my health, and later I even abandoned my dignity as a man by bowing to others. The pain and suffering were really beyond telling. However, when I finally succeeded and gained others’ admiration and praise, I didn’t feel happy or joyful at all. It was then that I came to realize that fame and gain were traps Satan set for man. Even though I had gained them, they didn’t bring me happiness or joy but instead made me lose my direction and become more and more depraved. Realizing this, I no longer wanted to be deceived and afflicted by Satan, so I began to look for the right path in life.

Then I saw these words of God, “The first thing one must understand, when one sets foot on this earth, is where human beings come from, why people are alive, who dictates human fate, who provides for and has sovereignty over human existence. These are the true assets in life, the essential basis for human survival, not learning how to provide for one’s family or how to achieve fame and wealth, not learning how to stand out from the crowd or how to live a more affluent life, much less learning how to excel and to compete successfully against others.” “If one views life as an opportunity to experience the Creator’s sovereignty and come to know His authority, if one sees one’s life as a rare chance to perform one’s duty as a created human being and to fulfill one’s mission, then one will necessarily have the correct outlook on life, will live a life blessed and guided by the Creator, will walk in the light of the Creator, know the Creator’s sovereignty, come under His dominion, become a witness to His miraculous deeds and to His authority.”

Pondering God’s words, I came to understand that God bestowed life upon us and brought us into this world so that each of us can have the opportunity to experience His work and gain a clear understanding of His authority and sovereignty, and that it is also for us to bear witness for God to others and fulfill our duties as created beings. As a creation, I should pursue to know God and try my best to fulfill my duties, which is the only way for me to stay far from Satan’s harm and receive God’s blessings. And only living in this way has value and meaning. I thought of how, during the first half of my life, I didn’t have a knowledge of the Creator, and even less did I know where I came from or the meaning of life. As a result, I kept pursuing fame and gain and didn’t stop even when my health broke down. I always worried about gains and losses and lived in inescapable torment. Although in the end I acquired fame and gain and enjoyed a short period of satisfaction, in my heart I didn’t feel a hint of peace or joy, but instead I became more and more hypocritical, losing my dignity and integrity as a man. Every day I lived in the trickeries of Satan, feeling extremely miserable. I was very grateful to the guidance of God’s word, for it allowed me to find my direction in life.

Since then, I often gathered together with my brothers and sisters, we fellowshiped with each other about our own experiences and knowledge of God’s words, pursued the truth and sought to be honest people. Living a life like this gave me a kind of assuredness and peace I’d never felt before and I also gained the faith to follow God. Besides, I always had this feeling that I should preach God’s gospel to more people so that they could return before God and stay away from Satan’s affliction. So I later resigned my position as senior director. Though I’m no longer admired and praised by others and do not earn as much as before, I have more time to pursue the truth and fulfill my duties in the church. Every time I shared the testimony of God’s work of the last days with people around me and they accepted it, I would feel an inexpressible sense of contentment, thinking that I had done something most righteous, and I felt living like this was especially meaningful. It was God’s words that transformed my erroneous perspective of pursuing fame and gain, showed me the right direction in life and allowed me to understand the value and meaning of life. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!

[disabilityrightsarehumanrights]

A Note on Historic Preservation: An Open Letter to the Old Town Triangle Association Board

Dear Ms. Pfendler and the Old Town Triangle Board:

As a writer, and a hopelessly optimistic lover of both equality and happy endings, I followed the story of your refusal to allow the Deakin family to make accommodations to their own home to render it more accessible with interest. I was thrilled when the family won their case, and saddened to learn about the Old Town Triangle Association’s doubling down with a lawsuit. What stuck out to me in the reporting most, however, was the following statement from former board president Mr. Steve Weiss:

“I understand that the people who purchased the house have a child that requires special needs,” he wrote. “What I don’t understand is why they chose to buy a house in a Landmark Zone when you have these needs. I don’t mean to be heartless or uncaring but this is not the neighborhood for that. Here you conform to the rules, not the other way around.”

Similarly, current President Karen Pfendler’s statement that “…every resident has been required to forgo additions and improvements that are out of character with the district,” which erroneously equates accessibility with aesthetic-driven changes, disturbed but did not surprise me.

(But more on this later.)

I followed the story closely in part because I have a vested interest in this brand of discrimination. My husband is a quadriplegic; he is also an excellent college professor and a loving parent to our 21-month-old. The idea that someone with his level of dignity, capacity for critical thought, compassion, and work ethic–levels that your board has repeatedly failed to demonstrate over the course of this embarrassing case–could be considered unworthy of inclusion in your community due to mere facts about his body is, obviously, both ludicrous and sickening. You can imagine, perhaps, with the bit of empathy you could drum up, the feelings that disabled people and their families and loved ones have when they see this kind of exclusionary rhetoric of the “they don’t belong here” kind.

When I read this, the rhetoric was, on its face, more than overtly discriminatory, but that wasn’t what stuck out to me the most; instead, it was the fact that, if your primary goal is historic preservation, you’re actually doing an excellent job.

The idea expressed by Mr. Weiss that people who “have these needs”– needs you could acquire at any time, by the way, along with anyone in your family, through illness, injury or delayed diagnosis–don’t have the right to be where you are, is, after all, a deeply historical one.

Disabled people are used to this rhetoric, this dehumanization and exclusion masked as “concern”–eugenics programs targeted disabled people with just that kind of thinking, and disabled people’s confinement to abusive institutions was justified with this exact brand of rhetoric– one that covers over its subtle hatred with euphemisms and denial even as it does violence.

And I have to give it to you: Inaccessibility, too, is historic. Practically speaking, that’s why the buildings need renovation in the first place. Preserving inaccessibility is, indeed, a matter of preserving an imagined past where disabled people did not exist–imagined, because they did exist, but they were shunned and physically excluded, forcibly removed from society (so you’re right: your precious buildings didn’t have to accommodate them).

“You can exist, just not here” is a form of erasure and active exclusion that has always been used to deny disabled people everything from health care to freedom from abuse, and to justify the right to force a family, an individual, even a child, to fight tooth and nail for rights that are afforded to many people by default. Fight endlessly, causing perpetual stress and strife for people who simply want to live. Fight like you’re forcing them to do now.

And of course, if we’re being honest, it’s neither a matter of buildings nor eyesores, is it? It’s a matter of superiority–of who goes where, who is included and who’s excluded, who is meant for utopian enclaves of the “right” kind of people. “This is not the neighborhood for that” is simple code for “Your kind doesn’t belong here.” It’s predictable. It’s everywhere. It’s old.

So I have to admit that you’re correct. You are indeed preserving history–a history of the exclusion, fear, snobbery, pain, humiliation and hatred that disabled people have been asked to endure just to live their lives, raise their families, go to school, work, and even live in homes they paid for. It was employed, in fact, quite widely during the time period when the architecture that you value over human lives and prize over human dignity was built.

People all cling to something different as proof of their inherent superiority. Some, to cars or money; some, to spotless floors; and some, like your board members, to buildings. This, too, is historic. Unfounded arrogance due to things that do not belong to us, or that were thrust upon us at birth and maintained through sheer happenstance–in this case, an abled body– and that we secretly know makes us neither more special nor more deserving of the privileges we’ve been afforded, is part of the American dream that you are striving to protect.

The kind of clueless bigotry that undergirds Mr. Weiss’ statements and your continued harassment of this family is older, even, than your beloved buildings. It’s part of the very human tendency to define other people as subhuman in order to cling wildly to a false sense of inherent superiority. It is intoxicating, obfuscating, even hallucinatory–it must be, I think, or we would not strive to limit and restrain and torture other people as much as we do based only on our desire to preserve it with every kind of available tool (in your case, codes; buzzwords; zoning ordinances; lawsuits).

If it wasn’t so very tempting, we wouldn’t do so much to cling to a utopian past that never existed, where we could have curated what was around us, and who was around us–from the people we don’t want to see in case we are reminded in an unguarded moment that our sense of superiority is indeed false, to the ones we don’t because they remind us of our own plodding march towards mortality and our own vulnerability to pain and prejudice, no matter how many zoning ordinances we write up and how many buildings we refuse to alter and how many minds and doors we prefer to remain closed.

What you’re doing is, in that sense, the purest form of historic preservation. It is the oldest thing in the world. So for that, I say: Well done.

You are fulfilling your mission.

Laura Dorwart