#we keep moving forward
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Move complete 😭
#there were more tears than i thought i had left in me#it hurt a lot#but many hours of driving later and we have made it#everything is unloaded#and now i just have to go through the ordeal of unpacking and getting everything organised#my parents are insisting that not everything i have brought will fit#but their solution is 'storage unit' - readers this storage unit it a random shipping container on some plot of rural land#that has a string of break ins on its history#so i am not enthused about putting any of my things in this storage unit#but more than that#these are *my things*#i have already parted with so much to get it down to these few boxes and items of furniture#i will make them fit no matter what#they just have to give me a few days to try out different configurations of furniture and stuff#and i will figure it out#i will#if im gonna live here then you can be certain im gonna make it feel as much like a home as possible#so yeah#the hardest part is over!!#we can start to work on healing#looking forward#we move#no matter what#we keep moving forward
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okay but literally what if buck and tommy end up together? like what if we get to see them moving in together or saying i love you for the first time or getting engaged or getting married? what if we get to see buck having a husband? literally what then...
#can i be honest the likleihood of bucktommy lasting to me is hard to figure out for me. i think some people saying bucktommy bonessssss#or whatever are saying it for the wrong reasons but there is truth to the idea that there is a very strong possibility that it doesnt last#longer than a season#not cause of buddie. just cause bad writing. this isnt a show where characters can really move forward a lot so#with bucks love interests especially they dont stick around and i am afraid we're gonna keep buck in that revolving door of love interests#with no end point. which is why i feel like some of those ppl should stfu about “god i hope they break up 😡” cause like.#are you sure? do you want that? no no not for you ship i mean like for this character completely independent of that ship. do you want that?#does that better his character in any way? does that further any development INDEPENDENTLY of the ship you want to happen?#okay rant over but like !!!!! what if it happens?? what if we get to see buck be happy and flourish in a relationship???#what then#bucktommy#firefly tag
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There’s a line from American Gods I keep coming back to in relation to Yellowjackets, an observation made early on by Shadow in prison: “The kind of behavior that works in a specialized environment, such as prison, can fail to work and in fact become harmful when used outside such an environment.” I keep rotating it in my head in thinking about the six survivors, the roles they occupy in the wilderness, and the way the show depicts them as adults in society.
Because in the wilderness, as in prison, they’re trapped—they’re suffering, they’re traumatized, they’re terrified—but they’re also able to construct very specific boxes to live in. And, in a way, that might make it easier. Cut away the fat, narrow the story down to its base arc. You are no longer the complex young woman who weighs a moral compass before acting. You no longer have the luxury of asking questions. You are a survivor. You have only to get to the next day.
Shauna: the scribe. Lottie: the prophet. Van: the acolyte. Taissa: the skeptic. Misty: the knight. Natalie: the queen. Neat, orderly, the bricks of a new kind of society. And it works in the woods; we know this because these six survive. (Add Travis: the hunter, while you’re at it, because he does make it to adulthood).
But then they’re rescued. And it’s not just lost purpose and PTSD they’re dealing with now, but a loss of that intrinsic identity each built in the woods. How do you go home again? How do you rejoin a so-called civilized world, where all the violence is restricted to a soccer field, to an argument, to your own nightmares?
How does the scribe, the one who wrote it all out in black and white to make sense of the horrors, cope with a world that would actively reject her story? She locks that story away. But she can’t stop turning it over in her head. She can’t forget the details. They’re waiting around every corner. In the husband beside her in bed. In the child she can’t connect with across the table. In the best friend whose parents draw her in, make her the object of their grief, the friend who lives on in every corner of their hometown. She can’t forget, so she tries so hard to write a different kind of story instead, to fool everyone into seeing the soft maternal mask and not the butcher beneath, and she winds up with blood on her hands just the same.
How does the prophet come back from the religion a desperate group made of her, a group that took her tortured visions, her slipping mental health, and built a hungry need around the very things whittling her down? She builds over the bones. She creates a place out of all that well-intended damage, and she tells herself she’s helping, she’s saving them, she has to save them, because the world is greedy and needs a leader, needs a martyr, needs someone to stand up tall and reassure everyone at the end of the day that they know what’s best. The world, any world, needs someone who will take those blows so the innocent don’t have to. She’s haunted by everyone she didn’t save, by the godhood assigned to her out of misplaced damage, and when the darkness comes knocking again, there is nothing else to do but repeat old rhymes until there is blood on her hands just the same.
How does the acolyte return to a world that cares nothing for the faith of the desperate, the faith that did nothing to save most of her friends, that indeed pushed her to destroy? She runs from it. She dives into things that are safe to believe in, things that rescue lonely girls from rough home lives, things that show a young queer kid there’s still sunshine out there somewhere. She delves into fiction, makes a home inside old stories to which she already knows the endings, coaxes herself away from the belief that damned her and into a cinemascope safety net where the real stuff never has to get in. She teaches herself surface-level interests, she avoids anything she might believe in too deeply, and still she’s dragged back to the place where blood winds up on her hands just the same.
How does the skeptic make peace with the things she knows happened, the things that she did even without meaning to, without realizing? She buries them. She leans hard into a refusal to believe those skeletons could ever crawl back out of the graves she stuffed them into, because belief is in some ways the opposite of control. She doesn’t talk to her wife. She doesn’t talk to anyone. It’s not about what’s underneath the surface, because that’s just a mess, so instead she actively discounts the girl she became in the woods. She makes something new, something rational and orderly, someone who can’t fail. She polishes the picture to a shine, and she stands up straight, the model achievement. She goes about her original plan like it was always going to be that way, and she winds up with blood on her hands just the same.
How does the knight exist in a world with no one to serve, no one to protect, no reason propelling the devastating choices she had grown comfortable making? She rechannels it. She convinces herself she’s the smartest person in the room, the most capable, the most observant. She convinces herself other people’s mysteries are hers to solve, that she is helping in every single action she takes. She makes a career out of assisting the most fragile, the most helpless souls she can find, and she makes a hobby out of patrolling for crimes to solve, and when a chance comes to strap her armor back on and ride into battle, she rejoices in the return to normalcy. She craves that station as someone needed, someone to rely upon in the darkest of hours, and she winds up with blood on her hands because, in a way, she never left the wilderness at all.
How does the queen keep going without a queendom, without a pack, without people to lead past the horrors of tomorrow? She doesn’t. She simply does not know how. She scrounges for something, anything, that will make her feel connected to the world the way that team did. She moves in and out of a world that rejects trauma, punishes the traumatized, heckles the grieving as a spectacle. She finds comfort in the cohesive ritual of rehabilitation, this place where she gets so close to finding herself again, only to stumble when she opens her eyes and sees she’s alone. All those months feeding and guiding and gripping fast to the fight of making it to another day, and she no longer knows how to rest. How to let go without falling. She no longer wears a crown, and she never wanted it in the first place, so how on earth does she survive a world that doesn’t understand the guilt and shame of being made the centerpiece of a specialized environment you can never explain to anyone else? How, how, how do you survive without winding up with blood on your hands just the same?
All six of these girls found, for better or worse, a place in the woods. All six of them found, for better or worse, a reason to get up the next day. For each other. And then they go home, and even if they all stayed close, stayed friends, it’d still be like stepping out of chains for the first time in years. Where do you go? How do you make small choices when every decision for months was life or death? How do you keep the part of yourself stitched so innately into your survival in a world that would scream to see it? How do you do away with the survivor and still keep going?
They brought it back with them. Of course they did. It was the only way.
#yellowjackets#yellowjackets spoilers#yj meta#long post#shauna shipman#lottie matthews#taissa turner#van palmer#misty quigley#natalie scatorccio#the question not being how do you survive the wilderness. the question being how do you come BACK.#the way each of them tries so hard to keep moving forward#unable to untangle the girl in the woods from the adult suffering in polite society#how the world doesn’t want to hear about the pain or the night terrors or the sleepwalking or the addiction#the world wants the bright colors and the flash-bang headlines#the world doesn’t want who they are. who they had to be. it wants pretty perfect tragedy#that specialized environment lives on in each one of them every day#but it’s not a place anyone else can ever go#how do you feed that for so long and then just…stop?#constantly thinking about nat saying we didn’t make it out. none of us.#because no. no they didn’t. the girls died the minute that rescue chance did. what came back was risen from those ashes
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i was hoping to make a post like this under happier circumstances, but here goes.
as some of you know, everything with the cancellation and renewal campaign has happened right on top of the worst part of my mom's cancer treatment (plus the show was cancelled on my actual birthday 💀). i won't go into details, but it's been tough. lots of ups and downs, mostly downs, luckily ending (for now) on as much of an up as circumstances allow. the whole thing has been weirdly tied to the cancellation for me, kind of amplifying every feeling. the grief got mixed up, and there was so much of it - mourning the loss of the kind of future i thought i'd have with my mother and the time we might not get, mourning the end of a show that means so much to me and is such a big part of my life. different types of grief, sure, and of different magnitudes, but in one big ugly swirl. i sort of had a breakdown right at the start of february, and it was because of news about my mom, but it morphed into my brain telling me everything i'd ever written was shit and wanting to delete it all. stuff like that, spilling over.
anyway. i was holding off on writing this post to see if the show got picked up by someone else. but i still want to say it. because what also spilled over was the support and community from this fandom, and being in this space (despite the rough times and high emotions) helped me through it, because of all of you here. whether we talk regularly, or you left a comforting reply or simply a like on one of my posts about having a hard time (i tried to keep them few), or wrote a nice comment on a fic, or said something funny or nice or insightful in the tags of a gifset, or was active here (or on twt) in any way, talking/sharing/creating stuff about the show - THANK YOU.
you all helped me through all the ups and downs, and i am so grateful. thank you for being here, listening, distracting, helping me feel some joy despite the horrors. i love you and i love this incredible show and all it has brought and will continue to bring and inspire, and although it should go without saying, i'm not going anywhere. just do me a favor and give yourself a big ol' hug from me, and know that you made a difference for some random guy on the internet (but in reality for many more, and for this fandom as a whole, just by being here and being you) 💕
#🐭📓#oh wow this got long#i grieved so much in january and never truly got my hopes up even though i of course wished something would happen#that the second “cancellation” message did not hit me as hard as it did for others - like i'd already absorbed that reality#but no matter what. all the effort was worth it - even for just the slightest chance of renewal and showing the cast and crew all the love#and seeing the fandom rally and all the fun moments we found along the way in a shitty situation none of us wished to be in#and for the record - i don't think this means there is no possibility of anything happening in the future#i just think the current/immediate negotiations fell through due to the current streaming landscape#you never know what can happen even if nothing happens for years#it's just that it's not happening right now and we shouldn't be at the edge of our seats. but instead settle into long term fandom mode#instead of constant campaign mode. keep showing all our love for the show and letting it inspire us and move us#and keep supporting the cast and crew in their next works#there is so much more to come from the same creative minds#and i for one am looking forward to experiencing it with you all 💗#ok i will stop rambling now skdjfhdjks
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The problem with being a fan of both Gambit and Tim Drake is that their respective comic companies have no idea what they're doing with my favorite characters.
Gambit has "LOOK, A MYSTERY! How does he know legit everyone? This information is a surprise tool that will help us later!" except they never ever reveal what the mystery is because they don't know either. Which has basically been happening since his origin in the 90s.
Tim Drake hasn't had a unique storyline since 2009 with Red Robin (yes, I count the 2022 Tim Drake Robin because they backtrack him into Robin). In the Red Robin comic series, they establish that Red Robin is essentially punishment for him, Tim's only really been special for his role as Robin, and this is a transition period to get him elsewhere. And then they just NEVER gave him anything else. He's STILL Red Robin. Sometimes he's back to Robin and sharing the mantle with Damian, which is WORSE.
Writers, I love my characters. Please stop backtracking their character development IN THEIR OWN COMIC RUNS.
#gambit is a mystery to everyone including the writers#there are rumors of like a dozen different big unique storylines for him that were scratched and replaced and i need the writers to PICK ON#do i still collect gambit comics? yes.#am i annoyed that our storyline keeps falling backward in what we already know? also yes#if I was Jason Todd and Tim Drake stole my mantle from me twice and kept both mantles then I'd fight him too#nightwing: You need to move forward. Writers: NAH#tim stop being red robin#stop being robin too#remy lebeau#tim drake#gambit#red robin#gambit xmen#dc robin#comics#comic writers#marvel#dc#batman#x men
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i love how this week’s rwby beyond episode talks about not just finding the positives in a bad situation, but also about remembering what makes all that suffering worth it. jaune is urged to recall the good times, and the people he’s fighting for, and the love he feels for them.
and this is the EXACT ideology that makes a silver-eyed warrior so powerful. that love and desire to protect and auauhhhhhghhhhh my god the jaune and ruby foils never cease
#rwby#rwby analysis#jaune arc#ruby rose#god this show is actually so good and so earnest and i could talk about it for hours#there is so so much heart in this show. and the theme of just. keep moving forward. is so relevant to the world we live in today#erros doesnt know how to shut up
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They’d better do something GOOD w Eddie’s storyline soon bc I stg, if they drug out Chris being away from home for 3-4 months at this point (if not longer) & don’t actually solve anything about Eddie’s identity, then that entire storyline will have been for nothing & I will never forgive them.
Like, even the Shannon of it all, they’ve done this storyline so many times, if that’s all they address before Chris comes home. I’m going to be so annoyed.
#911 abc#eddie diaz#buddie#I know we all keep saying that Eddie can’t realize he’s gay & in love with Buck before Chris comes home (I have literally said that)#but this storyline is so fucking stupid & if they don’t do something w it that actually moves Eddie forward??? I will scream actually
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Not to sound strong and shit cause I'm not but... if I caved in and broke down with everything that has happened to me in my life, I wouldn't be here. Persevering and this silly comic saved my sanity and my life. Like others are saying, stand strong together. Everyone will be effected by this. But it's a lot easier when you've got people around you to hold you up.
#Just trying to get through the day...#as a dickless they/them creature with mental issues and in poverty I'm still gonna try to keep moving forward#I love ya'll we WILL get through this#please get through this with me ♥#maybe make our own country why the heck not LOL
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Coming atcha in this incredible sweater I inherited from my late grandfather
#spitblaze says things#im so sad i never got a chance to ask him to take me clothes shopping before his health went down the tubes and i figured myself out#i kinda feel that way with grief anyway. a lot of oughta coulda woulda shoulda. feeling like i squandered my time with them#that it wasnt meaningful enough. that we didnt form enough of a connection#but whatever its too late now. just gotta keep it in mind moving forwards. making connections and reaching out to ppl is So Fucking Hard#but its worth it and i KNOW its worth it and im tired of feeling like i never truly got to know someone before it was too late#im very bad at initiating conversations. im trying to work on it but starting shit is the hardest thing in the world for me#if we're friends and havent talked in a while feel free to reach our#like. maybe nor right this minute its like 11 and ive spent all day either driving or with family. im wiped#but yknow#see. him face#ftm#transmasc#nonbinary#transmasculine
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Alright, here we go again. I'm sorry that you all want to feel righteous and just but not voting or voting third party is only going to make everything worse. Of course the dems are fucked up politicians too but if you are going to just not vote for anyone bc of the genocide, then you are voting indirectly for that orange fucker to be back in office. And not only is he for the genocide in Palestine, he is for various other types of genocide and other egregious behaviors as we've seen.
#if both parties are terrible regarding the genocide then you have to look at their other talking points#kamala harris is still less crooked than trump#she is the first step in moving forward#regardless of her shitty points on the genocide she is still a democrat and it'll be easier to get other dems/leftists into office#if you want things to change you have to vote for the lesser of the two evils#i know you all want to stew in your righteousness but that isn't going to get you where you want to be#there are other things that are also important like acknowledging climate change and being pro abortion and keeping lgbtq+ rights#and we all know how donald trump feels about those points#kfi txt#kamala harris#joe biden#donald trump#politics
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the brighter the light, the darker the shadow
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there’s a very large chance that kuukou’s backstory parallels sasara’s more than anyone’s, in that they had very normal-ish upbringings but handled them very poorly lmao, but i’m choosing to believe light and shadow, medication vs meditation, twin dudes with buddha imagery jakurai and kuukou are living their lives the way they are to atone for past mistakes
#vee queued to fill the void#*clutches the darkness i assume kuukou has that he just keeps hidden to chest* KR!!!!!!! DONT YOU DARE TAKE THIS FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEE#like kuukou has to have made a pretty big mistake if his catchphrase is literally having the freedom to make mistakes right??? right lol???#one that colours his every move but bc he’s so focused on moving forward and not letting it define and weigh him down#we just haven’t been privy to it!!!!!! right?????#like the only reason jyushi and hitoya know about his previous assault charge hitoya worked on it and he told jyushi about it lol#kuukou wouldn’t have said shit just like he clammed up when he offhandedly mentioned his past with ichiro to jyushi#*slams fist on table* KUUKOU!!!!!! STOP YAPPING ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE AND SPEAK ON YOURSELF FOR ONCEEEEEEEEE#vee is arting
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Just saw the notes about silly little poll helping and wanted to tell you that it does. It does
✊😔
#i know it’s easy to feel helpless and discouraged right now but we owe it to the Earth to keep moving forward despite everything#and it’s ok to distract ourselves with fun little polls and animal trivia#you can’t let despair overtake you#i don’t want to get too off-topic on this blog but just know that I am here with you and we must simply do the best we can#asks#usa politics
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s2 episode 8 thoughts
tears. in my eyes. shaky breathing. oh. okay.
well. no place to start but the beginning.
stares at my laptop screen for a long, long time before typing. give me a minute. allow to me collect myself.
okay. we start with scully's mom narrating. and we learn, thanks to the subtitles, that her mom's name is margaret. this is information i will also be storing in my useless scully facts book.
so we knew she had two brothers, but a sister is also mentioned, named melissa. and we get this story from her childhood, about how dana- which feels wrong for me to type, but i will- was given a bb gun by her brothers, and she joined in with them shooting a snake. but then she realized it was bleeding and she cried as it bled out in her hands and held it while it died. which is already So much to handle. and her mom is saying that she feels how her daughter felt that day watching the animal die.
the next thing we see is mulder is there, and. he's saying it's still too early to know if she's gone. but. well.
we see a gentleman bring something out. and it is a gravestone with her name carved into it.
he turns away like he was burned from even looking at it. and man. that hurt. very badly.
we see that her middle name is katherine. and we learn this because we see it on her gravestone.
he goes back to his place (where he still sleeps on the couch) but then he gets a phone call that they've found her. and he busts into the door when the nurse says he can't go in there. that's our man!
he's screaming at these poor healthcare workers, somewhat rightfully suspicious they're involved with the government who took her, but also man. they don't get paid enough. however, i understand the emotional explosiveness this had to have provoked. so he is really just screaming, at the nurse, at the doctor, demanding to know what the hell happened, where she came from, and he says "i swear i'll do anything, i'll find out what they did to her" while being escorted out
then there is a very tense conversation between the doctor and her mother and him. the doctor must have already have been in quite a state, because mere minutes ago a raving angry man accused him of stealing his friend, and now he's sitting with said angry man explaining that they genuinely have no idea how she got here, and that she has no indication of injury.
we also learn that she had no desire to remain on life support past a certain point. and mulder knows this because. he. he. he uh. well he signed her will.
now i think maybe that's just something you have to do at the fbi and i can see them making a little joke out of it- a nice little trip to get each other's will signed, make a day of it, keep it light and funny- but man. man in this context. oh i'm gonna be Sick.
so we see a woman holding a crystal over her body and we learn it is her sister melissa!!! she's really pretty. she tries to show mulder that you can feel her energy by holding his hands over her but he gets angry and leaves.
(i love this dichotomy here, that somehow the ultra skeptic has a sister who is into talking about spirits and crystals. truly i feel this is what happens to people raised catholic)
at this point i wrote "girl i'm stressed tf out" and yeah. kinda the whole mood.
melissa is saying that his anger and fear is blocking the positive emotions she needs to feel, which echoes my statements about how he has been too cranky this season. but i can't even laugh because the man is in Distress.
he goes back to his place after saying he needs "to do more than just wave his hands", and he's bouncing a basketball and putting tape on his windows. i get it. that oppressive feeling of being unable to sit still. every moment dragging like a lifetime. bounce bounce bounce. he wakes up and rips the tape off his windows.
and back to attending to her bedside. i do not think this man has been clocking into his shift at the fbi.
we see a fellow enter wearing a suit and carrying flowers and i was like oh shit is it last rites time? um. so maybe i don't know what gets worn to a last rites event. i realize my weakness in this area and will do some research when we're done here.
but it's not anyone here to do that- it's frohike, the guy from the lone gunman who was making weird comments about scully! he must have come to pay his last respects. he picks up a clipboard and i thought oh my gosh he's gonna start reciting poetry- but he notices something weird on her chart and sneaks it out
it seems the whole thing was orchestrated, because mulder goes back to the freaks at the lone gunman, who invite him to come over and watch earth 2 and point out the factual inaccuracies- which, all things considered, is very sweet- but they send her blood data to a hacker that uses a richard nixon persona and he says that yeah, her blood is weird. and mulder's like, is she gonna make it, and they say no. it got very somber.
in terms of scully view, we see her on this dock of a boat between life and death. i thought that was nice imagery, and extremely eerie. those around her bedside are on one side of the dock, and it looks like the rope could snap and drift away at any moment.
the nurse comes in to do some blood work and i have another "augh blood" moment. so i look away. and mulder is REALLY pondering her blood. i thought he was honestly gonna take it for himself, maybe bring it in for testing or keep it like an emo.
but no! a strange man in a suit STEALS the blood!
so mulder is back into track star mode and is SPRINTING after this guy. i always forget that he is a runner. and he is RUNNING around this hospital and makes it to the parking lot until...
he is stopped by deep throat 2.0, a man for whom i realize i have no other name. but you know who i'm referring to, right? so i guess that name will work for now. deep throat 2.0 says that mulder needs to stop NOW, and that HE got deep throat 1.0 AND scully killed by looking into things too hard. which is an absolutely awful thing to say btw. deep throat 2.0 has a gun to mulder's head and says to stop searching.
mulder proceeds to run after the blood thief despite these warnings. can't say i blame him. he finds the blood thief!!! and they have a bit of a fight until...
deep throat 2.0, who earlier said he wanted to remain out of this mess, rolls up? so we're getting mixed messages here. and he says i'll take care of this and SHOOTS THE BLOOD THIEF?????? in the head.
back to the hospital. mulder is not pleased about the prospect of life support being removed but melissa says he has to honor her wishes. and he's going on about the blood protein and the doctor is like "why do you think this has anything to do with blood protein" and he Does Not Explain
her mom calls him "fox" again and says this is a moment for the family, but he can come too. and he won't come in. he's the wettest and saddest a man has ever looked as they go in there. and then the rope holding her to the dock of the afterlife is severed.
man. if i had been a contemporary viewer i would have been sobbing. thank god i've seen gifsets that prove this wasn't the end for her. because if i hadn't, i would have been in shambles. i mean i Was in shambles but like i would have been bawling on the floor.
cig man is with skinner. i honestly didn't think we'd get up to any sort of fbi related tasks in this episode, but he hands skinner a report and leaves. and then mulder comes in and denies being involved with the shootout at the hospital
(it's worth noting that he is doing all the denying to be an ass to skinner, and yells about "how does it feel, all the denial")
and he says that it was "cancer man" who took scully. i had been calling him cigarette man, but cancer man is very comparable.
the next thing i wrote was "SKINNER IS A BITCH????" this was because he said that mulder is "just as responsible" as cancer man for scully's situation if he knew the risks of this line of work and didn't warn her.
skinner baby YOU CAN'T SAY THAT? seriously i cannot figure this guy out. every time i think i have a read on him he does something like this that shifts my interpretation. what a horrible thing to say to someone.
cut to scully cam. she's on a table in metaphysical land. and her dad is there. he calls her starbuck and refers to himself as ahab- so the first mate and the captain. and he's monologuing about how he never knew how much he loved her until he realized he could never be with her again, and he says they'll be together "soon", but not now. so i'm wondering if she can hear all of this going on. i would guess so.
mulder is in the cafeteria with melissa and she is trying to talk a bit of sense into him. she says "you could spend the rest of your life finding every person that's responsible and its still not gonna bring her back" and he replies "including myself?"
now usually i would say that mulder taking the blame upon himself is tragic and typical, but here, having it also been implied by skinner AND deep throat 2.0, i am thinking, man, he's got to really believe it, even more so than all the other times he couldn't save everyone. which is. fucked up. so immensely fucked up. i'm sorry you pissed me off last episode baby but we can go to the zoo again like i planned. let's go see some tigers and cheer you up.
a woman walks in and asks him for change for the "cigarette machine", which was the first time in my life i have ever heard the term "cigarette machine", so maybe the earth really is healing
but he finds a pack with an address in it, and then, straight from my notes:
"CIG MAN'S HOUSE. OH MULDER IS THERE AND POINTING A GUN AT HIM. AND ALSO SCREAMING. "why her" oh his finger gets very close to the trigger"
cig man says he likes her and mulder, and. wow. what a despicable human being. he says that he likes mulder more for showing up to his place with a gun. says he's playing the game. mulder seems to have a realization he is acting just like those he swore to destroy and puts the gun down. cig man says it'll be their secret. and also that he was the one that told skinner that mulder shot the guy in the hospital even though he didn't think it was true.
we next see mulder sadly tapping at his computer. he prints a one sentence resignation letter "effective immediately" NOT even a two week's notice, that's how bad they fucked this man up
skinner comes by and says it's unacceptable while mulder is packing all of his things. and mulder says:
"i hate what i've become"
man. fuck. he hates the rage he has been driven to. the loss of control. the way he sees himself as being responsible for deep throat and scully. and all of it stemming from his need for answers, to track down his sister. he hates what that feeling of insufficiency has led him to and the path he now walks upon. hates it. hates his situation and himself and the world.
skinner decides to share some personal story time: he went off to vietnam- willingly enlisting on his 18th birthday. and then while he was there he shot a kid who was covered in grenades. the camera glances back at mulder occasionally, who, despite all of his grief, seems to be consulting his oxford training to try and remember what you're supposed to say to a guy who just told you he killed a child in vietnam.
and then he says he watched all his friends die and that he almost died- he was put in a body bag, and was in a coma for two weeks- and he was too scared to learn what happens next. but mulder isn't. and that's why his resignation is unacceptable.
mulder adds things up and realizes that it was skinner that gave him cancer man's location. again. complicating the vibe i get from skinner in doing something positive now. he says that every day is a risk.
deep throat 2.0 rolls up, saying that the people who did this to scully are going to break into his apartment tonight, and he'll have to kill them. he looks displeased by this- aversion to taking any sort of lives- but resigns himself to it.
so he's in his place in the dark ready to start blasting, when he gets a knock on the door. and it's melissa.
this is where we get the iconic exchange "why is it so dark in here?" "because the lights aren't on" which made me laugh so thoroughly seeing it out of context before i ever decided to watch this show
and melissa is MAD. scully is weakening, and she came to get him to say his goodbyes, but he won't go because. well. shootout is about to go down. this is his ONE chance to learn who did this to scully. but she doesn't know that is why he won't leave, so she YELLS at him, about being in a place even darker than her sister, and asks "why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel? i expect more from you. dana expects more from you"
and man. those words are heavy. he locks the door, knowing that his place is gonna be robbed, and that he'll never know who hurt her, and comes down to see her.
and he's talking to her. holding her hand. saying he's here. he doesn't know if it'll change anything, but he's here.
when he goes home, his place is entirely ransacked, and he falls to the ground crying. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. i can't even put into words how bad this broke me. big strong mulder weeping on the ground, his career in shambles and his best friend dead.
i feel like i need to pause there just for how heavy it was. like this was his lowest low. lower than even vampire sex.
but he soon gets a call and he smiles so wide!!! and we learn her eyes are open!! it is the sweetest smile i have ever seen!!!!!!
he gets down to the hospital and she's awake and talking- but she doesn't remember anything- and he, being the insufferable man that he is, says the following:
"i brought you a present (holds up a vhs tape) superstars of the superbowls"
man. man. man. man. she deadpans so quickly. "i knew there was a reason to live"
he must have grabbed a random tape off his shelf and brought it to her with the express intent of antagonizing her back in the realm of the living. and he thought of something to say along with it on the car ride down, his hands shaking. something, anything to make her laugh. a stupid vhs tape. his constant sports references. her quick tongue. oh dear lord help me these two have ruined me.
he gives scully her necklace back, which i wrote about in all caps, while her mother and sister watch
and then we learn that the nurse who was taking special care of her was never actually there when scully wants to thank her and the other nurse is like "um no one who works here has that name" so. SCULLY PARANORMAL EXPERIENCE (POSITIVE)??!?!?!?
overall. man. i am experiencing such a volume of emotions. what the hell. she's back, though. and we saw how much she means to him. and i feel like i could type a million words on the subject but i don't even know what to say because they're still all stuck in my chest. they love each other sososo much.
will he ever tell her what he did in her absence? how he tried to quit? how he broke every rule trying to save her? how he screamed at the doctors, how he broke into cigarette man's house, how he almost pulled the trigger? how he watched a man die when deep throat 2.0 shot him? how he was blamed for her condition by himself and by others? how he left his apartment to be ransacked, giving up his one chance to catch whoever did this to her, to try and let go of his grief and be with her instead? or will he keep quiet except for the latest witticisms and frequent visits and presents and stories by her bedside while she gains strength and recovers?
and how he left, too, when he knew she was okay. how he must have wanted to be there more than anything in the world, but knew she needed to rest, so he left her with her family. how he could breathe easy again. how he had to make it seem like it was cool, and everything was contained.
man. this tv show. i just typed all of those words out and i still feel like i didn't even begin to cover the things i'm feeling. i feel like i need to shake them up and down.
but this should be good, because the x files are reopened... so are we seriously, as the kids say, so back? only time will tell!
#neeeeeed to know what happens while she's getting better#need an incredibly detailed oneshot. because i KNOW they are gonna jump back into the shenanigans in the next episode#and we're not gonna get to see all the time it takes for her to gain strength and how she struggles through it and everyone's reactions#no i know this too well by now. we're gonna get another case next episode and not an analysis into this.#BRING ME THE FIC i bellow from the comfort of my bedroom.#this whole experience had such an emotional effect on me i know that perhaps it can be ME who comes back and writes the fic someday#which is why i'm glad i take detailed notes. so i can jump back in.#i also wanted a fic post episode 20 after they had been eaten by the bugs because i'm a sucker for whump basically#so maybe i'll come back to that someday as well#anyway. this is why we watch this show. not for awkward vampire sex. i forgive u mulder. you're my special meow meow again#but scully can do no wrong so keep that in mind moving forward.#juni's x files liveblog#2x08#txf#the x files
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Thinking thoughts about Abuela being back and with this backstory about her being taken in by charlatans and Eddies whole catholic guilt thing and how the two things kind of play into one another as an exploration of faith and being taken in by something.
Abuela giving all her money to the tarot card readers etc because she was searching for something - for connection (with Abuelo) - trying to recapture what she had lost, and How Eddie has spoken about trying to re-find the magic he had with Shannon - how Eddie hasn't actually fully reconciled the Shannon of it all when it comes to relationships and how his Catholic guilt connects into that.
How Marisol as a physical representation of Catholicism is part of that narrative - how Eddie is entering a place where he has to chose his path - in order to move on from Shannon he needs to fully square the hole - catholic or non catholic. And how that needs to happen first - before he can begin his queer journey!
#this is so incoherant#I'm also thinking about how Marisol fits into this narrative and how this idea of being taken in or fooled by a person plays into what we#know of her - how she wasn't upfront with Eddie (not saying she had to be right from the off but before moving in!!!) - how she is kind of#representative of secrets - especially around faith and ones connection with faith because she is essentially a stand in for catholicism#which (sorry to all the catholics out there) peddles in magic and secrets in order to keep the mystery of faith alive and therefore keep#people believing. How Eddie's reckoning with himself and the ghost of Shannon ultimately means choosing either to follow the path of#catholicism or non catholicism#How Marisol is a tie to religion and therefore his reasons for not having successful relationships after her (or even with her) and how#Eddie letting go will ultimately mean letting go of Marisol - how he can never fully move forward while catholicism still lingers#how I don't' think we'll be seeing the queer aspect of this narrative this season - that dealing with this first part is key and only once#he has figured it out can he then be free to know himself - is true self better - and accept and move into his full self as a queer man#so yeah - catholic guilt arc 7b and 8a - as its really a two parter - finally dealing with the remnants of Shannon - and its connection wit#his faith and then when truly free of that exploring his queerness!#So yeah - Marisol will possibly be here until towards the end of the season because she is meant to be the trigger point for Eddie in#relation to Shannon - its why they made the difference (and similarities) between S and M very obvious in 7x01#they have the time to build this story arc more fully now with the s8 renewal - to do it justice and unfortunately as part of that it means#she'll probably be around longer than any of us would like!#I don't know if I even make sense at this point#but I do want to reitterate that the show is goig out of its way to contrast her with Buck as well#to really show how close and right for each other Buck and Eddie are so no one needs to panic - she's here for the narrative not forever!#911 abc#911 spoilers#eddie diaz
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i know brandon doesn't sing (as of rn) and we had the vision in truth seekers, but mother of fuck i would kill for a Blitz song/sequence a la "Look My Way" of his inner perspective on his relationship with stolas
#i mean i guess it's bc blitz as a character doesn't do self reflection#bc if he did he wouldn't be able to keep moving forward#BUT LORD I NEED IT LIKE AIR#i need to know his perspective of all their interactions that we saw in All 2 U#I need to know#helluva stolas#helluva blitzo#helluva boss#stolitz#helluva stolitz
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hold W :) keep moving forward
#dream#dream fanart#dreamwastaken#dreamwastaken fanart#dwt#dwt fanart#dream blobs#art#fanart#mcyt#mcyt fanart#dreamie#i love him so much#new motto tbh#hold W#keep moving forward#all we can really do yk it sucks but we gotta keep going#looking forward to the future#💚💚
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