#we have a sign on the wall that we shouldnt be working if we have typical ill ess symptoms like a runny nose or sore throat but ig thats | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

agp · 1 year ago

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it started out as a way to talk about our past closets and the walls (or the shell) we built to make sense of it all and keep us safe in a cisexist and transphobic environment before coming out. this involves both behaviors and mentalities that constrain oneself (boys/girls dont do x, therefore i shouldnt do x) and behaviors and mentalities that "leak out", if you will (boys/girls do x and so do i but im not a boy/girl).

some people take these as proof that they were trans all along. im not of the "born this way" crowd so i disagree with their framing on the matter but theres nothing wrong with looking at your own experiences and concluding that youve been struggling with integration into your assigned gender and seeing signs for yourself regarding what you should do on the matter. your own reasoning is ultimately what is most reasonable because of the particular agency we give people when it comes to naming their own gender.

one of the problems with "born this way" is that it attempts to naturalize these signs. as a result "egg behavior" is no longer a symptom of navigating cisexism but a symptom of being trans - and is charged with the determinism necessary to close the gap between the past egg and the present trans person remembering themselves as such. there is no such determinism in behavior labeled as eggy in the present. you are not privy to a glimpse of the other persons future and basing your claim off that, youre working with the "clues" the present gives you and the deterministic power you give them when calculating the probability of someone coming out as trans.

and thats the real question here. does it matter if the person being called an egg in the present eventually comes out as trans? of course not. unless the entire point of calling someone an egg is to assert that determinism - the gender essentialism we keep getting accused of. here we arent talking about the probability of someone coming out, but of someone possessing an essence of transness, with an underlying probability of either 0 or 100. and boy are people proud of their gaydars. except when you hear gaydar does it automatically come off as prescriptive and deterministic?

of course not, because there are a wide range of behaviors and mentalities that fall under using or having a gaydar. the kind of person calling a man who likes pink gay to his face as a kind of blunt reminder of the world we live in isnt usually the kind of person to use the term gaydar to refer to their own identification skills, but i wouldnt argue with someone describing that same behavior as using a gaydar. i would however argue with someone saying that using a gaydar whatsoever is necessarily reinforcing that determinism and necessarily involves aspects of these behaviors or mentalities.

what is the range of behavior that falls under "calling someone else an egg" and what is necessarily implied? thats the conversation that people are trying to force their way through with their prejudice unchallenged. we have people going around calling it all gender essentialism or creepy or invasive because trans motivations are seen as nefarious.

"why would you call someone else an egg as a trans person?" seems like a rhetorical question when egg is deterministic. but really, what are our motivations? why would you use the language we use to refer to those whove 'hatched' to describe those who havent?

well for starters its pretty hard not to see yourself in others that are struggling with something youve struggled with in the past. thats a pretty basic human sentiment. and as a trans person thats often how it first presents itself to me (a reminder of my past self). "you see, i used to be cis just like you" describes it much better than "i think this person is secretly trans and may not know it yet"

my main reason for having an 'egg-dar' is that cis people are fucking annoying. and baby trans people are often even more annoying to me as a trans person and i try to avoid them. "handle with care" is kind of the whole point of calling someone an egg in the present. so seeing people try to realign the narrative to make the point of calling someone else an egg in the present to alter the presumed eggs behaviors and mentalities rather than the perceivers behaviors and mentalities as you dance around the eggs internalized bullshit makes me feel like these people really have no idea what theyre talking about.

and thats probably because theyre cis people or transmascs so alienated from the trans community that they dont get that shit explained to them because you cant explain eggs to eggs. trust me this post couldve been much longer, im restraining myself for the poor eggs. it used to be a lot more common for trans guys to use it as a term for themselves, although it was always more popular with trans women. but now it seems like only trans women use it and trans guys seem to think it just means secretly feminine

im gonna try to wrap this up and say that yeah there are still trans people who genuinely pedal "born this way" style biological determinism and prescribe it on others and there are also trans people who know how to make jokes about the trans panic. there are also trans people who know how to make jokes about gender essentialism. theres quite a variety of trans people. so its necessarily reductive to try to frame our collective usages of the word egg under one definition and motivation.

go figure that language us trans women use to describe how we relate to others will be reified to fit the narrative that were actively trying to manipulate people at all times

#in hindsight the op shouldve said #how we relate to ourselves and others #the imperative not to inform eggs is often compared to the prime directive in star trek #if 'you cant explain eggs to eggs' is confusing maybe go look into that star trek thing

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mostlysignssomeportents · 4 years ago

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Dishwashers have become Iphones

Apple is a true business innovator: For more than a decade, they have been steadily perfecting an obscure anticompetitive tactic, turning a petty grift invented by console games companies into a global, cross-industry mechanism for extracting rents and centralizing control.

I'm speaking of App Stores, of course, and not just any app store, but one that's illegal to compete with or switch away from. This started with console companies, who used technical tricks to ensure that they could skim a rake from every program you bought for your system.

Consoles used proprietary hardware or media formats to ensure that software vendors couldn't sell directly to you, that every sale would be forced through their storefronts or licensing systems.

These tactics acquired the force of law in 1998 after Bill Clinton signed the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), whose Section 1201 made it a felony to traffick in "circumvention devices" that bypassed "access controls" for copyrighted works.

Broadly, that meant that you could go to prison (for five years!) for making anti-DRM tools. What's more, DMCA 1201's drafters rejected tying the law to acts of copyright infringement, making it illegal to remove DRM, even if you did so for a perfectly legal reason.

For example, if your games console had some code that ensured that the software you were running had been taxed by the manufacturer, then removing that code could become a criminal act - even though that has nothing to do with copyright infringement.

To make that concrete: copyright is supposed to help creators and audiences transact with one another. If you own a console and I wrote some software for it, then copyright should facilitate you paying me money for it and then running it on your console.

But if the console's manufacturer had designed its product so that it got to impose a tax on transactions like this, then I can't sell you my copyrighted work anymore unless I pay the tax. Doing so is a felony, but not because it infringes copyright.

No, it's a felony because it's bad for the manufacturer's shareholders. It's what Jay Freeman calls "Felony Contempt of Business Model."

Now, the defenders of this practice say it's not anticompetitive because I can invent and manufacture a different, competing console, sell it to you, and then sell you my code without paying tax.

But this isn't how competition works. Companies don't get to say, "You can compete with me, but only on the terms I set, and in the domains where I think I have an advantage." Excluding competition in "complimentary goods" (like apps) is 100% anticompetitive.

For several years after the passage of the DMCA, the abuse of Sec 1201 to create "Felony Contempt of Business Model" stuck mostly within the realm of games consoles, with the exception of mixed results in the printer ink market.

Then along came the App Store for Apple's Ios devices: these were designed to be locked to a single app store, so that people who made copyrighted works (apps) and people who wanted to buy them (Ipod/pad/phone owners) couldn't transact without going through Apple.

Apple's paternalistic pitch was that it would only use this power to benefit its customers. The press *loved* this story, because Steve Jobs posed himself as a daddy-figure who would use apps to get us all to pay for media again.

https://memex.craphound.com/2010/04/01/why-i-wont-buy-an-ipad-and-think-you-shouldnt-either/

The consensus that Apple should be able to decide how other companies could compete with it was advanced by its most loyal customers, who'd long considered themselves to be a kind of oppressed religious minority.

They insisted that there was no reason to allow a third-party app store because everyone who owned an Ios device loved using Apple's App Store.

But when anyone pointed out that if this was true, then there would be no reason to ban third-party stores (because they'd fail), they'd switch tactics, saying that any Ios user who switched stores was Doing It Wrong.

This is the Apple fanboy No True Scotsman argument: "Everyone loves the limitations of Apple's walled gardens, and if they don't, they're not really Apple customers. If they didn't want to be locked into the walled garden, they should have bought a different device."

To understand how weird this is, consider the inverse: we live in a market society based on property rights. Once I buy an Ios device, I get to decide which programs I run on it and who I buy them from. If Apple didn't like that deal, it shouldn't have sold me an Ios device.

This belief-system is intrinsically conservative, in the sense articulated by Frank Wilhoit: "There must be in-groups whom the law protectes but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect."

https://crookedtimber.org/2018/03/21/liberals-against-progressives/#comment-729288

How else to explain the indifference of Apple trufans for the company's decision to reverse-engineer all of Microsoft Office's file formats and make compatible players for them, and their defense of Apple's strict prohibition on doing this to Ios?

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/06/adversarial-interoperability-reviving-elegant-weapon-more-civilized-age-slay

But even if you think Apple will never abuse the power to decide who can compete with it to make complimentary products that interoperate with its own devices, the norms, laws and precedents backstopping Apple's business-model innovations can by used by anyone.

In 2015, I wrote a Guardian microfiction that exposed the perils of allowing companies to choose their competitors. It was called "If Dishwashers Were Iphones."

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/feb/13/if-dishwashers-were-iphones

It was a letter from the CEO of an "innovative" dishwasher company explaining why his customers were wrong to try to wash third-party dishes in his products.

The comments swiftly filled up with Apple defenders who decried it as an absurd, over-the-top analogy.

To those people, I say, behold, the Bob Dishwasher! It's a cute, countertop dishwasher aimed at single-person households, and it uses a proprietary cartridge for detergent dispensing, at about $0.67/wash - about $242/year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVup5ya0WVQ

The company makes a lot of familiar, paternalistic claims to justify selling a non-refillable, single-use electronics package that becomes immortal e-waste once you've used it up and replaced it: the precision electronics and proprietary detergent ensure optimal performance.

dekuNukem bought a Bob and decided that he - and not the manufacturer - should decide whether the "advantages" of throwing out the cassette and buying a new one were worth it. He reverse-engineered it and made a defeat device he calls a "rewinder."

https://github.com/dekuNukem/bob_cassette_rewinder

The tale of how he did this makes for a fascinating read, especially the analog sleuthing he did using product safety labels to reverse-engineer the "proprietary" composition of the detergent and rinse-aid, which turn out to be commodity products marked up by 7700%!

Extraordinarily, he's actually selling the Rewinder, for $30. This shouldn't be extraordinary, but it is, thanks to the penalties under DMCA 1201 (and the UK equivalent law, derived from Article 6 of 2001's EU Copyright Directive).

https://www.tindie.com/products/dekuNukem/bob-rewinder-renew-your-bob-dishwasher-cassette/

It's not just dishwashers, either. Would-be digital rentiers have figured out that they can turn their shareholders' preferences into legal obligations to their customers by engineering their products so they have to be used in specific ways...or else.

For example, KLIM makes a motorcyclist's airbag vest that deactivates itself if you stop making subscription payments (of course, this means that anyone who exploits a defect in KLIM's IT can shut off all its airbag vests, everywhere).

https://twitter.com/TrashGoat00/status/1387301889356689410/photo/1

If that sounds extreme to you, it's really not. Tesla has many safety features that are marketed as downloadable content, which it remotely deactivates when a car changes hands through a private sale:

https://www.theverge.com/2020/2/6/21127243/tesla-model-s-autopilot-disabled-remotely-used-car-update

If you find yourself scrambling for reasons that it's OK for Tesla to do this with its cars, but not for KLIM to do it with its airbag vests, allow me to gently remind you that Tesla owners are not an oppressed religious minority, either.

This kind of rent-seeking is just getting started. As I tried to illustrate in my novella UNAUTHORIZED BREAD (part of my 2019 book RADICALIZED), there are limitless ways for Apple's pioneering business innovation to destroy our lives:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

And as I wrote in my story "Sole and Despotic Dominion," this is a frontal assault on the idea of personal property - it creates a world where property is the exclusive purview of remorseless, transhuman colony organisms (AKA corporations).

https://reason.com/2018/11/17/sole-and-despotic-dominion/

However, that future is anything but assured. Apple is being sued by Epic for antitrust violations over its Felony Contempt of Business-Model system:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/02/technology/apple-epic-lawsuit-app-fees.html

And European competition regulators have opened an enforcement action against the company on the same basis:

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/04/30/eu-says-apples-app-store-breaches-competition-rules.html

Meanwhile, copycats who created their own Felony Contempt of Business Model walled gardens, like Valve did with Steam, are facing their own lawsuits, courtesy of Wolfire:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2021/04/humble-bundle-creator-brings-antitrust-lawsuit-against-valve-over-steam/

We've come a long way in a decade, and the No True Scotsman defense of the right of a dominant corporation to interpose itself between buyers and sellers, to control its customers' choices after a sale, is finally facing a real challenge.

https://locusmag.com/2021/03/cory-doctorow-free-markets/

#pluralistic

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kittydcoxx · 3 years ago

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Stay with Me.

KAEYA X READER.

Warnings: light angst/heartbreak but nothing bad (happy ending)

The tavern was as crowded as usual, and by that meaning almost completely baren for a rainy Wednesday afternoon. As you order a apple cider from Charles, the tavern door bell rings and you instinctively turn to check.

"Ah~ it is pouring out, I need a drink to combat the dissapointment of getting my fur cape wet."

Kaeya. Of course he wasnt the last person you'd expect to see open the tavern doors, he just wasnt much of a "afternoon delight" type drinker. Still, you stare as he tries to cooly swipe off the wet rain from his uniform as he walks towards the counter and takes a seat next to you.

"Well, well! Good afternoon y/n! What a suprise to see a beauty such as yourself here at this hour."

He raises an eyebrow and smirks as he turns to look straight ahead and run his fingers through his hair, not allowing time for you to respond before he has a drink in his hand.

"Afternoon Captain,"

You face him and smirk with the same intensity of flirty-ness as he just had.

"Of course you would be surprised to see me at this hour, you usually drink yourself to sleep before i order a evening drink."

You chuckle and look straight ahead and take a swig of your beverage, the confidence of your little witty come back replays as the cider burns your throat.

"Oh ho, well thats quite the attitude! I must ask, whats the purpose of this?"

"Hmm?"

"The occasion? I've never seen you drink three days in a row, I've been sober enough to pay attention to that."

The truth is, the last few days you've been at a bit of a crossroads. You know you and the Cavalry Captain share feelings, but you have a job offer in Natlan. This job is a dream to you, ever since you were a child. You could never dream of passing this opportunity, but you question if this possible romance could be the first significant one. You've been meaning to bring it up to him, but recently you just havent seen enough of him to bring up the subject. As a result, you turned to the more than occassional drink at the tavern to brighten your mood from the decision that faces you.

"Well then if you're interested, it actually... might concern you."

Your face is flushed red due to nerves, of course it doesnt directly concern him since nothing astronomical has occured in order to absolutely weigh your decision based on a man, but you didnt want to leave without warning.

"I see, well, we haven't..." His cheeks grow the slightest bit red as his eyes skip to look around then back at you.

"we haven't progressed to that yet, have we? I mean, you're not pregnant are you?"

"What?!" You're taken aback by the direct-ness of his statement, about the fact that he thought it could even have been a possibility. Was it confirming your suspicions of him returning feelings? "No, i- its not that! That is out of the question completely!" You yelp as you shake your hands as a frantic meaning of saying "Absolutely no way".

"Of course! of course.. i just figured i'd ask in case, but i guess drinking for a few days regularly isnt particularly healthy for a baby."

You roll your eyes and take another swig. Oh boy.

"It's actually more of an advice thing, i suppose."

"Ah~ well! lets discuss then, hm!" He happily takes a sip of his wine, his face surprisingly relieved.

"So? What do you need the great Master Kaeya's guidance on?" He smiles and giggles slightly.

"Actually, I'd like to take this outside."

"But its raining cats and-"

"Outside. please."

Your tone picks up more aggresively and he gets the memo. He takes one more sip of his beverage and you do the same with yours. You pay Charles and meet Kaeya right at the door.

"Get ready for the rain, sweetheart"

Your heart jumps as he grabs your wrist and swings open the door, pulling you with him down the street, stopping at a small archway behind a building, big enough to comfortably converse without being cramped or drenched.

"Now, where were we?"

"right.. well.." You look down and fidget with your thumbs, only to look back up at him and see him gazing into your eyes, examining your soul and what felt like your heart. Did he already know? It sure felt like it.

"I have a big decision to make, but i want to ask you before i come to a concrete decision."

He nods as a sign to continue talking, acknkowledging his position in helping you decide.

"I might have to move away. To natlan more specifically. I've recieved a dream~ job offer that i simply cant refuse, unless i was faced with new circumstances here in Mondstadt."

"Hm, And how do i play a role in this?" He asks as he folds his arms and leans back against the stone wall.

You explain to him his part, and he lets you talk until you are completely finished. you tell him your feelings, your worries, your doubts, and your hopes. Every single one that included him in the package. He looks at you sternly the whole time, but he looks hurt at the same time and you wonder why.

"Well, i honestly dont know what to say to this y/n. You know i cant leave Mondstadt if we were to persue eachother."

"I know."

"Then why bother telling me? Why not just leave, hm? Before damage could be done? before you told me all this, confirmed my hopes in our relationship but crushed it with the fact that you 'might' leave? You should have just spared me and left!"

He looks emotional and teary eyed, much more that you're used to seeing from a man who held such a cool composure 24/7. Have you hurt him that much? Does he hate you?

"I can always stay if you wan-"

"No. Its your dream job, and you shouldnt pass it off. I just cant promise that i'll wait for you."

He steps closer to you, inches from your face. His breath is warm and it contrasts with the cold rainy air. He slowly takes your hand and hold it in his, then lands a soft passionate kiss onto your lips. A few seconds of the kiss pass and he breaks for air and looks at you, making strong magnetic eye contact with you.

"Y/n, I can't wait for you."

"You dont have to. I can stay."

He runs his hands up your arms and grips firmly onto your shoulders and kisses you again, and when he pulls back he lets out a heavy sigh.

"There's no staying, just be safe. Please."

Your throat swells like a rock is stuck and your eyes burn hot along with your ears. You cant muster any words, you just stand there maintaining a sorrow eye contact for a few seconds.

As you both stare in silence, he slowly lets go of you, and as soon as his hands depart from yours, he turns and walks out and into the road. The further he walks and fades from your vision, the further you slide down the wall until your behind hits the wet floor as you curl up to your knees. Hard, Hot tears stream steadily down your cheeks as you hide your head in your knees, sobbing hard yet silently. Your heart aches and your stomach churns.

You want to run and look for him, grab him by the waist and embrace him in a hug from behind as you cry against his back, but he has already erased you from his plethora of memories as he sulks in his room with a drink. The night is weary and so are you. You walk home, replaying the scene in your mind over and over, and the instant you step into your home, you fall to your knees and sob once more.

You dont even close the door behind you. You cant do anything but cry, you had no idea you felt so strongly for Kaeya, but you had to put it all behind you.

He probably had.

What feels like an hour or two goes by and you barely made it to the couch, where you lay sprawled out, half on the couch and half not as you stare into empty space, thinking of nothing but everything at once. Why did his mood snap so quickly? Why did he cut you off? Was it self defense? What could he gain by pushing you away? You had no clue, but you didn't want to dwell on it and start crying again, so you just lay there trying to fall asleep.

Suddenly, a warm, slender hand grazes your back and rubs up and down softly.

"I'm sorry."

You jolt a little, but you dont get up immediately.

"How long have you been like this? Its almost night again y/n. Have you gotten up at all!? Your door was wide open, I was worried."

No response from you as you try to analyze the voice. It sounds like Kaeya, but you had remind yourself that he wanted nothing to do with you.

The man sighs and walks away. A hallucination for sure, you thought. The male comes back and lifts you by the shoulders. He sits on the couch and then lays your head onto his lap.

You look up and are met with blue eyes, one scarred and one as normal as you're used to seeing on him, though both glossy as if about to cry.

"Kaeya?"

"Mhm. Sit up Darling, you need to drink water."

You obey and sit close beside him, sipping the water he hands you with both hands on the glass like a child. He puts his arm around you and his hand on your head and gives you a soft yet quite long kiss on the head as you finish your water.

"Im sorry. We can work something out. I know that i shouldn't.. I can't push you away."

You dont fight his embrace as it gets firmer, and his body trembles slightly as if he is crying.

"Do you want me to stay?" you ask sheepishly.

"My dear, its up to you what you want. I'll follow you in whatever you decide. Im choosing to persue you, the rest is yours to seal."

"I want to stay." you state calmly.

"As you wish." He eyes your empty glass of water and gets up to pour you some more. When he comes back you sit against him again, and drink the glass empty, then put the glass on the coffee table and lay your head on his lap.

"Sleepy?"

"Mhm.."

He chuckles and holds you as you fall asleep, giving you tender kisses all over your face. When you fall asleep, he carries you bridal style upstairs to your room and tucks you into your bed. For a moment he stands there and ponders leaving you to rest, but the guilt of the words he said yesterday and seeing your state today convinced him to stay at your side. He walks to the other side of the bed and crawls in beside you, wrapping his arms around your waist and gives you one more peck before falling asleep.

You wake up once in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and when you come back to your room you're awake enough to process the fact that Kaeya was indeed in your bed. You crawl up into where you were in the bed before but this time facing him. You run your fingers along his face, feeling every bone and inch of his smooth skin, his tan beauty enhanced by the glow of the moonlight that peeked in through the window across the room from the bed. Your run your fingers down his hair and admire how his hair falls down his body. You've only been this close to him once, but never had you touched him like this. Your face was red and your smile was definitely pronounced, and as you stroke his cheek his eyes slowly open to see your expression.

"Good morning y/n~" he smiles and wraps his arms around you softly.

"How did you sleep?"

"Actually, its midnight."

"Oh, i see. Well, lets fall back asleep shall we? Or are you wide awake?"

You don't respond immediately but instead wrap your arms around him and hide your face in the crook of his neck.

"Back to sleep.."

He chuckles and brings you closer to his body, rubbing your back and stroking your hair until you both are hazy and about to fall asleep.

"I love you..." you whisper, half aware of what you just said and half not.

He pauses for a second, then gently squeezes your body as if to be his response back.

"I love you too.." he whispers back, his words echo in your mind as you drift to sleep, your dreams filled with nothing but happiness and him.

You would stay in Mondstadt, but occasionally take trips to Natlan for a few weeks, and would try to take Kaeya with you if he wasn't too busy. The two of you became inseperable, and quite the item for some time, the story of your romance left most who heard it in tears.

After every time you tell the story, he grips your hand and grabs your face softly making you look into his eye.

"I'm glad you stayed."

He says as he pulls you in for a tender kiss, which is usually embarrassing in public but you dont mind in this case, because it was of genuine emotion and not of his flirtatious teasing.

You really do love him.

NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!

This was my first fanfic LMAO

#genshin impact kaeya #kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya #kaeya alberich #kaeya genshin impact #genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #diluc x reader #diluc ragnvindr #genshin zhongli #zhongli x reader #tartagalia x reader #Spotify

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gotmadison · 4 years ago

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“kidding”

𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

snores emerged from your dormitory as you continued on your restful night, it had been such a hectic day and with harry by your side 24/7 you barely got any alone time. of course, you loved having him there and being able to see him whenever - but you valued the moments you had alone to relax and recharge for the next day. you soon fell into a deep sleep when the creaking of the floorboards awoke you, halting you to grab your wand shouting a quick charm to stop the intruder. little did you know it was your clingy boyfriend, harry. you rubbed your eyes, “what are you doing here? shouldnt you be asleep?” you asked, groggily pulling the covers down from their place over your head. “i missed you and i couldnt get a wink of shut eye! ron kept farting in our dorms.” he sighed, “can i come lay with you?” he asked, motioning towards the empty side of your bed. “yeah, just close the door and try not to get hurt walking over here.” you muttered, opening the blankets to let your boyfriend in. the thought of sleeping together in your bed, alone, never crossed your mind - probably from the sleep exhaustion. he slid into your bed, sighing as he made himself comfortable beside you. he placed his arm over your side, leaning in towards the crook of your neck. “is this okay?” he whispered, your eyes fluttering open before slightly moving away from his touch. “sorry.. i just.. i’m not used to this and we never really.. have laid or been.. well intimate.” you stuttered, keeping your eyes locked on the wall to the side of you. he muttered a quick, ‘oh!’ before removing his arm. “im sorry.. i didnt.. i didnt think.” you apologized once more before assuring him of his place and where he can lay befofe you both fell into a deep sleep.

in the morning, you outstretced your arms as you began to scan the room. ‘no sign of harry?’ you thought to yourself . your worries soon dissipated as he emerged through the common rooms a few moments later. “harry!” you said, fixing your tie as you walked down the stairs. “where did you go? you .. well skipped out on me.” you asked, patting down your skirt before making eye contact with him. “i didnt want to be a burden so i left early and got a few things done. my notes for potions are done, you can copy during breakfast.” his words seemed distant, definitely not like the harry you knew and loved. although physical affection was not your love language, you knew it was harry’s. “oh! well, okay. do you want to walk to breakfast with me?” you proposed, checking your watch. “i’ll see you there actually, i have to get something from ron.” he said through a smile, patting your arm before walking towards the rightwing stairs leading towards the boys room’s. ‘okay, what was that?’ you questioned, walking towards the great hall - alone, may i add. this was the first time in forever you didnt have him hanging off of your side and to admit it, you felt lonely and exposed. you sighed, sitting down next to luna. “hey lun, goodmorning darling. sleep well?” you asked, pouring a cup of orange liquid. “i did, quite particularly did you sleep well? i have seen how harry seems distant.. did something arise?” she asked, focusing on the small bird placed upon the table that she was mending its wing. “well.. wait, how did you know?” you asked, looking towards her side. “its very obvious, is it something to do with his clinginess? or his affection?” everytime you spoke to luna it was like she had already had this conversation with you before and she’s repeating it. “yeah.. weirdly enough.. he, well.. he came and slept in my bed and tried to cuddle me, but we havent been... you know, so i was scared.” she nodded, picking up the bird before giving it a soft kiss and wave goodbye. it was seen flying off happily in the distance, singing out songs of joy as it left to find its family. “you should tell him that, tell him that it scared you. he will understand. you can try to reverse it maybe.. act as if roles were reversed.” she smiled, grabbing her books before heading off.

a few hours after classes finally ended you sat in your common rooms, twiddling your thumbs as the last person left for their bedroom. you waitied for harry to arrive, anxiously. “y/n?” he asked, walking into the shared area with books in his hands. you stood, walking towards him to help pick up the books from his hands. “oh you dont have-“ he said, trying to hold on to a few. “it’s totally fine, babe. i got it!” you giggled, taking them up to his room. after getting settled, you walked over to him sitting at his desk and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. ‘it feels.. different when im giving the attention.’ you thought, even going as far to press a soft peck against his cheek: “now i know something is up. whats wrong y/n?” he asked, turning to face you. you huffed out, “fine.. you understand that last night.. i only.. well i only stopped you cuddling me because i was scared it would lead to something else! and i know we havent talked about it yet, but... harry if thats what you want i will do it. i want to do anything to make you happy.” your eyes swole with tears, wiping them away and sniffling. you couldnt lose him, he was your world and everything in it. his expression soon turned to concern as he pushed forward, taking your hands within his. “i never meant to scare you, and i want to do what you want to do. because, well.. i love you y/n. and i never want to make you feel uncomfortable or upset with my actions. i just thought , you didnt like me anymore..” you shook your head, letting a soft chuckle slip. “dont be blast, harry potter! theres no way in merlins green earth i’d ever not love you.” the words slipped from your lips as you spoke, his eyebrow cocking slightly. “love?” he asked, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes. “i love you, yeah.” you laughed, leaning forward. “and i love you.” he replied, pressing a peck against the tip of your nose. “lets start off slow with all of the hugging and kissing and work our way up, yeah?” he asked, to which you were thrilled. although it would take time - it was worth it to know the man you loved cared enough about your boundaries to stop and reflect on his actions before moving forward and harming you.

#gotmadisonmasterlist #harrypotter #hogwarts #harry potter x reader #neville longbottom x reader #harry potter x draco malfoy #neville longbottom #neville x reader #neville fluff #fanfiction

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tomdiddlyumptious · 4 years ago

Note

Can u do a Tom Holland x black model reader

And she’s zendayas friend and she introduces Tom to her and they hit it off he ends up seeing her outside they have a sentimental talk about what it’s like being famous and they end up kissing maybe smut at the end and they wake up the morning after 😩😩😫

I MIGHTVE GOTTEN....YA KNOW TAKEN AWAY BUTTTTT

warnings: terrible fans, sadness, annoying papis, and I guess heavy smut but idk 🤷🏽‍♀️ NOT PROOFREAD, PROBABLY TERRIBLE ✌🏽

a/n: REEEEE I HATE MYSELF

You sighed as she grabbed your hand, pulling you, “look you have nothing better to do, so you do this or keep watching re-runs of Harry Potter and trying to shift, which isn’t gonna work” she rolled her eyes at the idea, looking at your scrunched up face.

“Well whatever, so much for getting a spell book” you huffed in loss, zendaya laughing at you as she let your hand go and opened the door “for my princess please” she dramatically said, her hand pointing inside the restaurant.

“We couldn’t have taken a walk-“ “y/n shut up and sit down please” you giggled as you walked slower to let her infront of you and guide you to a seat, next to her but also next to a nice, brown haired, of course skinny lean white boy.

And how did you know that? You checked him out without hesitation. As you looked back up at him you found himself with a cocky ass smirk. “Don’t flatter yourself” you chuckled only leaving him doing the same.

“Hey a pretty girl like you how could I not?” His hand lifted and ruffled his hair some, leaving you with a smile. “We all know who we are right?” Daya said, not wanting to introduce anybody when your all basically famous. “Yes?” The group said.

You knew Tom of course but not officially, your brother made you watch Spider-Man because he’s two years older then you and loves to debate that tobey Maguire is the best, which you have to agree, its only by the way he swings. Your brother also thinks tobey can play Batman but he is like 46, he will have a heart attack.

As you all ordered your meals and passed around plates Harrison and Jacob talked, zendaya and her brother talked, which left you and Tom.

“Hi I’m tom” he said, lifting his hands wanting a handshake, orrr possibly a hug, what’s the damage?. “Well hello Tom, my name is Y/n” you said, taking his hand in yours, also noticing you can’t even shake his hand because of his hand size, it basically devoured your whole hand. Tom chuckled as he looked at your small fingers.

“Compare?” He asked, “oh what are we in fourth grade?” You giggled but agreed, he put his hand up flat and open and you did the same, touching hands you noticed your hand was small, or his hand was big, who knows. “I should call you robin!” He chuckled.

“You are really a child, teen titans really?” You bursted into laughter but only Tom could really hear. “Hey I have to do something to keep me satisfied right?” He shrugged, “and tough talked for a woman with small hands”.

You playfully gasped as you hit his shoulder “no you just have large hands, above average, so leave me alone, and tough talk for a guy who’s 5’8, my brother was that height at like 14” he only left his mouth open as you laughed, his eyebrows raised as he said “touché, but you’ve been doing some research on me havent you?”.

“Eh, something like that” you shrugged, getting chopsticks and trying to set it up but failing, of course Tom hysterically laughed at you “fuckin chopsticks” you mumbled to yourself, still trying to get them in between your fingers but utterly confused.

“Here darling, let me help you yeah?” Tom said in his slick British accent,

leaving your stomach to drop to your ass but you agreed, forgetting what he was helping you with.

He took your hand softly and fixed it, staring at him in awe before-

snap

You both looked over and seen a photographer running away, leaving Tom pissed but you could only laugh. Everyone around the table noticed and started to feel bad about being “famous” because it does take away your private life.

As they all looked at you both you continued laughing, leaving them all confused “did you see the way he ran?” You only busted out laughing more as Tom could still see him, looking at the way he does run and starts laughing after.

“Your right!” Everyone starts to catch on as zendaya pulls out her phone to record him, putting it on her instagram story with text of “running to his casket” (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN BUT I COULDNT HELP IT)

As you all as a group ate your food, well you ordered a fork, and talked you all giggled, and got to know more about each other, when he found out you were a model he only smiled more because, you deserve to be one, your beautiful in so many ways anyone could see that, not just Tom holland.

You cracked open the cookie and grabbed the paper “I wanna see!” Tom said, scooting closer and resting his head on your shoulder as you read it “hop on a ride but you won’t go outside, lucky numbers 11,9,10,20” tom furrowed his eyebrows, “I don’t get it” he whispered in your neck, platonically. But he got your sweet spot so you bit your tongue some. “What makes you think I do? You do yours!”

He sat back up straight and grabbed his, opening it. “Hmm, take your time, try to wine and dine, same lucky numbers as you” he looked at you while your lower lip was puckering out, confused but not gonna stress yourself out about it.

“Aren’t they just beautiful” daya quietly said, recording it and putting it on her Snapchat instead. Harrison agreed as they all started at both of you but you didn’t take any sense to notice.

“Who’s paying?” Tom said. “Split” you say back, everyone taking out their credit card and placing it in the middle.

About two days later you went out for shopping, mostly for yourself but you did think about buying daya matching Harry Potter mugs.

You looked at Victoria secret, looking at all the options you could get, but you got white lingerie, lacy white lingerie. You had about 3 bags in your hands, all clothes as you found yourself hungry, you checked the time and noticed it was about five thirty but daylight saving so it was darker then usual.

You found yourself at a Chinese place at the food court, ordering what you wanted as your phone blew up from the events of yesterday. “Y/n?” You heard a familiar voice, you turned to see-

“Thomas?” You smiled at him as he smiled back, coming up close and seeing ‘foot locker’ and ‘Nike’ bags in his hand. “Hey!” He came over and reached out for a hug which you accepted, and you smelled so good, like no one else. He knew once they started to publicly date he would have to point out that you have this magnificent smell.

“Hey babe how are you?” You ask looking at him, letting him go as his hands were still on your arms. “My phone won’t stop blowing up” he sighed and rolled his eyes “eh same here” “what are you doing?” He asked, you pointed at the title of the food place “Chinese food” “your trying again aren’t you?” “You know what- shut up” you laughed making him join along.

He decided to join you at one of the tables, both with hats on and black tinted sunglasses. “This is humiliating” you sighed, playing with the noodles. “What?” He asked looking up at you. “I shouldnt really have to hide because I just want to eat alone” you let out a distant chuckle and let the food alone, looking at the table.

“Yeah I know it does suck, but atleast we have killer fans right!” “Yeah but then they want to turn on you because you wanna make a point or a decision for yourself” he only sighed in defeat at your point, nodding in agreement. “I mean I guess it’s what we signed up for” “I just really want to do what I love but then there’s the pros and cons, people loving my body and people hating my body, telling me I should lose weight and that I should just kill myself-“

“Well you shouldn’t, people tried to cancel me because I didn’t vote? I can’t!” He grabbed your hand and that made you look at him “and your beautiful, so beautiful, don’t take only my word but everyone else’s, and whoever is telling you to kill yourself has a problem with their body image, they want to be you!” He gave you a smile, you gave a weak one back. “Hey love, darling, trust me. There’s a lot of people out there that support you! Why do paparazzi want to take photos of you? To let everyone know hoe your doing at the moment!”

“That wasn’t a good one Thomas” you laughed which made him giggle, he reached over and let go of your hand and places his thumb on your chin, the coldness of his ring on his pointer finger as it’s under your chin.

“Your really fucking beautiful, princess, fame is annoying celebrity is a annoying word but guess what? Isn’t it worth it?” “Yeah I guess, because I met you” you smirk, he tilts your head up and looks at your lips, looking at your eyes for approval and you nod your head.

He presses his lips on yours, pulling you closer as he wants to climb over the table and just take you there, his lips on your soft delicate ones is heaven, feeling your hand raise up to his cheek as you let go for a longer one-

“Hey get out of here! It’s like 7, stop sharing your cootie germs!” The janitor says with his strong Indian accent which makes you both laugh while your lips are still pressed together.

“Hey I really mean it!” You both let go as he shouts a thank you and you didn’t even notice it was that dark, he didn’t either. “Wanna get out of here?” He asked, you nodded as you both grabbed your bags and threw away your food.

You both couldn’t keep your lips off of each other, he slammed you against the apartment door, leaving you to moan as he focused on your neck, grabbing the key from his poket and shoving it in the door, opening it as he twisted to nob you fell and he feel ontop of you, well on your stomach.

You both laughed out of breath as he got up to close the door, thankfully there was a door stopper that didn’t allow a mark on the wall, he came back down and helped you up, taking the bags from your hand and throwing it on the couch, the boxes of shoes falling out of the bag and on the floor.

You quickly took off your clothes, leaving you in your underwear with Tom just admired you, your sweet brown skin just shinning of cocoa butter lotion and body oil, smelling so intoxicating as he walked up to you, his hand softly placed on your waist as he whispered in your ear “help me” you giggled and unbuckled his pants while he unbuttoned his shirt, quickly only in his-

“Really? Spider-Man? Your such a narcissist” “your ruining the moment” “whatever kiddo” he took your hand and ran into the room, falling on the bed from the jeans around his ankles, you got comfy on the queen bed with the silky black sheets and blanket, your legs open waiting for him as he kicked off his jeans.

He looked at you and your legs, crawling over to kiss your shins up to your thighs, his lips so soft on your skin as if he doesn’t want to break it.

“You such a pretty girl” he purred, kissing up to your stomach, to the middle of your breasts to you neck. “Touch me please tommy” you sighed in relief as he went down to your underwear, pressing your clit and trailing down to see you soaked. “I’ve barely touched you princess, do I make you wet like this?” He talks mostly to himself, not expecting an answer but you do “yes you do, fuck you make me so wet tom, watching your hands move, you mouth-“

“My mouth huh? What do you want me to do princess? Eat you out? Make you come then I fuck you and don’t miss a beat? Make everyone hear my good girl?” He asked, making you moan at the scenarios “I want to you to be on top of me, I want to you fuck yourself on my dick until you make me whine” he comes up to your ear and whispers “which I don’t do”, you whimper as he unclamped your bra, the cold ring and Rolex on your back as he gets it off.

You smile as he just stares, reaching down and taking a nipple in his mouth, moaning as he punches the other. “Fuck Thomas your really good” “shh now, remember what I want you to do f’me okay?” He asked looking up at you, you nodded as he reached down in between your thighs, pushing the underwear to the side.

He puts a finger inbetween your folds, his fingers rather warm and he rubs right over your whole while he continues to kiss and leave hickeys around your neck and inbetween your breasts.

He pushes in his finger and you let out a whimper, his fingers way bigger then your own “your so tight around my finger, fuck your gonna feel so good around my cock, just let me make you come first” you nod at him and give him a open mouth kiss as he goes down, taking off your panties and lifting your thighs and putting them inbetween his head.

He pumps is finger in you slowly, my the third time you suddenly let out a “oh” as your breathe starts to get heavy, “don’t give up now darling” “get to work and I’ll see what I can do for-“ you moan as he wraps his lips around your clit, kitty licking.

“Don’t talk down on me, darling” he says, before adding another finger, his long slender fingers finding your spot as he rubs over it, shaking his head from side to side around your bundle of nerves, your legs raise into a butterfly just asking for more.

Your hands reach down to his hair and you pull it, ruffle it and whimper as his fingers press hard on your spot “ah!” You let out a high pitched moan, he makes eye contact with you as his tongue continues to run miles, infinity signs, even his own full name on you “I’m so close” you whimper, he already knew by how much you were clenching around him, he sped up his movements, licking the slide of your clit, bucking your hips and pulling his hair making him moan on you, high pitch moans, the sounds of his fingers in your wet slopping whole is just enough to make you come, “Aw please! Fuck tommy!” Your eyes roll back as you cum, your back arching more as your fluids let loose and your stomach a pit of fire.

“You tase so good, Mmm” he licks you clean, savoring your tase as he licks his lips and comes up to kiss you, sharing tongues and humming at the taste on his lips.

And it was your time for the deal, he turned you both so you were on top. His hands already behind his head as he enjoyed the view already, you grabbed his member and pumped it a few times making him groan, you swiped him between your folds and cried at the overstimulation.

“Fuck y/n” he moaned feeling of your wetness looking down and seeing his spit and your arousal connected to the tip of his member, you both moaned at the feeling of his member getting in you so slowly.

You started to move your hips against his, seeing him so comfortable and watching every single move you make could make you come right there, you started to bounce and you sat up straight, moaning as Tom took a hand of his and licked his thumb to roll your nipple “faster” he said, as you did it.

“Fuck tommy your so good” “oh no it’s you babygirl, fucking yourself on my dick like I told you to, I don’t have to do any-“ he groaned “work, your such a good girl, my princess” he praised making you whimper and lean down. In this moment he could stay there forever, your ass on display as you bounced your whimpers in his neck right on his sweet spot. “Shit y/n”he moaned, letting his hands go to your ass and lift his legs to thrust into you, “no tommy” you say weakly, pushing his legs down “I get to fuck myself on you like you said” you hit back a moan.

“I did princess- fuck” he let out an ‘uh’ as you clenched around him, his eyebrows furrowed as his mouth opened, you leaned back up to kiss his neck, his sweet spot and made hickeys with no hesitation. You moved faster and placed your hands in his chest and hearing your ass on his thighs, the slickness coating all over his member and trailing down his thighs “fuck!” You come, “don’t stop-please! Don’t stop” he practically begged, thats more than a whine and you were willing to take it, it was all so good, so good.

His hands left your ass and went up to your neck, looking down at his darkened eyes as he bit his lip “fucking yourself so good on my dick, fuck!” He came and shot his load up you “yes Tom!” You whimpered and arched your back coming with him. He painted your walls as you ride it out, him massaging your thighs and biting his lip as he watched his cum trail down your thighs and on his dick.

“You tired?” You asked, throwing yourself over, he looked over “yeah” he reached over to kiss you and wrap his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his chest, he turned off the light on his night stand as you lifted your leg over his thigh, both on the left side of the bed and taking in each other, drawing patterns in his chest. “So does this mean-“ “yeah of course”

You woke up in the same spot, looking up at Thomas and finding him already looking at you. “Hey princess” he smiled, taking his arm and drawing circles on yours. “Hey bubs” you kissed his chest. You only admired each other before having to clean each other up, sharing a shower, nothing happened but giggles and soft rubs on the butt, of course until you put on the lingerie that you bought yesterday.

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fanfic #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland au #jb writes

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houseki-no-suffering · 5 years ago

Text

on ch 82 and what the hell is the deal with phos

super long wall of words ahead, you've been warned. also, im not qualified to discuss the emotional effects of trauma, so please correct me where im wrong and don’t hesitate to add on this post

contains an analysis of phos’ character arc, explanation on why and how they snapped and what might happen to our child next:

1. genki phos 2. post winter phos 3. laphos 4. on trauma 5. on snapping 6. speculations about the future

so, first things first, I could not help but notice the sheer number of parallels between this chapter and other significant points of the story. it seems to me that parallels are becoming more and more frequent as the moon arc goes on, and that’s not just because there are simply more chapters to draw parallels from as the story grows in size.

I believe that we’re at a turning point in the story, or even that the turning point has been reached, (aechmea telling barbata to fix phos for the umpteenth time is most likely going to give phos the last treasure, but ill get to it).

so, to try and understand what in the seven hells is going on with our baby at this point (the fandom collectively adopted phos since chapter 2, sign the papers if you haven’t already and donate to the fund to send phos to therapy) let’s retrace phos’ character journey.

1: genki phos

the phos who is too good for this world, too pure, the cinnamon roll who has no idea what the hell is gonna happen to them. oh joy.

hnk sets off as a coming of age story. phos is the youngest, they’re seemingly useless in a society that values usefulness above anything else so genki phos is initially driven by lack of purpose.

i’ve speculated already on the characteristics of the lustrous society, a society that emphasizes sameness over difference and that has no place for outcasts like phos and cinnabar. your value, in lustrous society, is dictated by how much and in which way you can contribute to the survival of the species, with elite fighters (the diamonds) being at the apex of the social pyramid and everyone else coming after.

additionally, while gems live in a highly interdependent and close-knitted society, such interdependence never takes into account emotions, loss, imagination, introspection and free-thinking. the society is extremely practical, apathetic, immobile, and everyone is expected to conform to that.

think about antarc: they’re the poster child of lustrous society: a 3 mohs hardness gem who managed to become an elite fighter out of sheer willpower, who’s blindly loyal to sensei, who sacrifices themselves for the greater good (the group’s interests > the individual’s interests), that does little if any introspection and that is happy about all of this and wants to leave it this way.

phos isn’t like this at all.

since the very beginning of the series we learn that phos is an anomaly. and that’s okay, other gems have been anomalies, like padparadscha, cinnabar, even antarcticite, but while those gems found a way to tip toe to the margins of lustrous society to remain unobtrusive exceptions, or forge themselves into proper, useful members of the group, phos cannot do that. which is ironic, because we know that one of phos’ core characteristics is that they’re able to change and to bring about change in a world that is as immobile and still and stiff as… well.. rock.

like @ruddy-rutile pointed out in a past analysis, phos’ problem wasn’t so much that they didn’t fit in, but that they didn’t fit in the appropriate way: they’re emotional, they’re loud, they’re unreliable, they’re not apathetic. they’re kind. compassionate. imaginative. and imagination is something the other gems lack.

this fuels a deep sense of self-hatred that even at this early stages of the story is lying just beneath the surface and oozes out quite easily, like when phos wants to help ventricosus and mumbles that it’s no problem if they die in the attempt, they’re a good for nothing after all, what difference would it make if they dont come back. at least they were able to help someone, contrary to how they were unable to help cinnabar.

this is the leitmotif of the series: phos is a kind, selfless gem who cultivates a deep sense of self-hatred. the internalized pressure and need to feel useful turns into a necessity for change. they need to save cinnabar, they need to save ventricosus, they need to become a fighter, they need to help sensei.

contrary to most of the other gems, phos loves and loves openly and unconditionally, they’re self-less by nature and that selflessness is a barrier that hides the real reason theyre so ready to put their life on the line for other people: the fact that phos thinks that their own life isnt wort a scrap.

as someone who believes to be worthless, guided by shame and guilt just for being alive and fueled by a deep desire to feel loved and accepted (just like a child), phos is unable to cope with grief and emotion if not by guilt tripping themselves even further.

the fact that the amethysts were almost taken is their fault, the fact that cinnabar is suicidal is their fault, the fact that antarc was taken is their fault, same with ghost’s abduction. the only way phos knows to cope with this guilt is by doing what every other gem does: bury these feelings deep inside their head and throw themselves into work. be useful, like alexandrite, rutile or red beryl.

2. post winter phos

what was a story about purpose, about phos’ coming of age, reaches an end at this very point, with antarc’s death. phos has become stronger at this point of the story, they have agathe legs and gold arms and they have grief to cope with, trauma.

just like alex’s job is studying the enemy and red’s job is making clothes, phos’ job is the one they originally desired for themselves: to fight. because there is nothing as valued as a good fighter in gem society and probably young phos unconsciously hoped to overcome self-hatred by taking on the most useful job there is.

post winter antarc is a skilled soldier, so skilled that bort wants to pair up with them. phos has reached their old goal: through loss and maturity, now they have a place within their society, they’re accepted and appreciated, valued but not loved. because these gems are so, so bad at emotions.

and this is where ms ichikawa begins to fool us all. she had us think that this story would be simple, but now hnk starts its steep and unrelenting detour toward existentialism and phos begins their dance toward madness and bottomless grief.

post winter phos is a soldier, they can fight off lunarians, but theyre still blaming themselves for antarc’s death.

we already said that phos is a very emotional gem and they possess a fervid imagination (probably just like lapis). so what do they do? they start thinking. “maybe i can retrieve antarc if we collect enough pieces. if i can communicate with the lunarians. if i can understand why we’re fighting.”

thinking quickly turns into questioning: why are we fighting? why are we so weak? why am i different? what changed me? is it the new additions, is it just life experiences? can we change? how can we change? antarc told me i shouldnt shy away from life, so im gonna push myself further and further.

that’s when shiro’s arc happens and sensei seems to know something about it, something he won’t tell the gems. phos’ questions suddenly turn to him.

phos is pretty much paranoid at this point of the narrative: they have experienced loss for the first time. consumed by guilt and grief for antarc’s recent abduction (even if phos still doesnt know what death means, we’ll get to that in a while), phos cannot think straight. they can’t be questioning the one authority every gem recognizes, the person phos and everyone else wants to protect, their leader, father, teacher.

phos feels like scum just for even thinking about it, as loyal and young as they are. and yet once you start questioning one minuscule thing about the way you have always lived your life, more and more will follow. it’s a cascade effect and it becomes faster the higher the number of questions, until you’re left with nothing but doubts and you must take into your hands the responsibility to find out for yourself.

this is more or less what happens to phos. they feel awful for doubting sensei the first time, in chapter 27, so they spill their guts to cinnabar, confessing their sins. but what cinnabar says does anything but put phos at ease: of course phos is doubting sensei: he’s shady, everyone knows.

however, while cinnabar is a quiet outcast, extremely prudent (and cowardly if you want) in the way they decide to face life, phos is the total opposite. they just needed a little nudge, they were already on the edge of a cliff of doubts and existential fears. cinnabar’s words are the second, big step that sets phos off on their path to the moon.

chapter 28 is when we see phos self-destructing because of this inner conflict for the first time, a pattern that will be repeated again and again the more phos loses sight of the truth, of a reliable something, a goal to cling onto and find direction.

it is ironic, because phos becomes a direction, a goal, the gems and the moon people’s hope (ch 59 and 72), but in doing so they have no hope left for themselves. let’s not forget that phos is very young by gems’ standards, not to mention in comparison to the moon people. how fair is to expect from a traumatized child to save the world and find answers to questions that run thousands of years deep and give phos nothing in return?

the pressure is enough to break phos and it does, quite literally, over and over and over again.

3. Laphos

lapis’ head comes at a time when phos was literally no longer able to manage this pressure.

it brings a waft of fresh air, it brings what emotional, kind phos needed to detach themselves from grief: coldness, rationality. and yet, it takes something away from phos as well: laphos is the phos that can no longer talk with cinnabar, the phos that brings cairn to reject the gems altogether and launch themselves into their kin’s killer’s arms. laphos is the gems and lunarians’ hope for a brief time, then it becomes the enemy.

i find it interesting how phos feels responsible for goshe and morga’s abduction too, even if phos was unconscious when it happened. phos has no clear boundaries between themselves and the rest of the world. they feel responsible for everything and guilty for everything. whatever they do will never be enough neither to make up for their past mistakes nor to find everyone a clear sense of purpose, safety, truth.

ichikawa plays with truth a lot. truth is that the lunarians are bad people and the gems must defend themselves, truth is that sensei is shady, truth is that the moon people are actually good, truth is that death is real, truth is that sensei is evil, truth is that cinnabar hates phos, truth is that the gems are evil, truth is that sensei is the only one that loves phos. who knows what the next truth will be, but can you call it truth, at this point?

if there is one point, i believe, that ichikawa is trying to make clear is that truth is subjective and that it changes, just like phos’ goal, the more knowledge you acquire and the more mistakes you make. truth is subjective but it must be sought after: you gotta keep fighting, you gotta move on even if you keep making mistakes, even if you cant undo your actions.

and another thing i think she’s trying to say is that you cannot make it alone. the moment phos tried to take it all on their shoulders, they moment they acquired lapis’ head, is the moment everything came crumbling down ten times faster than before.

and the most ironic part is that phos is still kind, even underneath that mantle of aloofness: they tried to do everything by themselves because they didn’t want to put anyone in danger, but in doing so they manipulated the gems just like aechmea. and aechmea knows and he’s been using phos for this.

4. Even more trauma

running after truth and after newer and more nuanced goals, phos has completely lost sight of themselves.

where do their alliances lie? what about their history? phos wakes up in ch 72 after the night raid and immediately breaks into pieces because they’re reminded of how cinnabar attacked them, the one gem they thought was their friend. one of the few truths phos had been clinging to.

phos wakes up after the night raid and asks the enemy “to the lunarians i look like a gem and to the gems i look like a lunarian. what am i?”

they break into pieces because they still believe they’re useless. they couldn't save cinnabar, they couldn't save antarc, they couldn't communicate with the earth gems, they couldn't even see adamant.

this is reminiscent of the very beginning of the manga: phos needs to feel useful, they need a goal, they need to be good at something. and just like they were ready to get lost at sea forever to help ventricosus they’re ready to die for someone else’s cause (not even phos’ own because they have no idea what to believe in at this point) just to be of use. after all, to phos, phos is nothing more than a scrap.

euc disagrees. ch 71 “we need you in our future” is a sentence that phos has probably ached to hear for centuries. “we need you. you are loved, you mean something, you are enough. you belong. we cannot build a future where you aren’t part of the equation. you matter”

and look at the way phos looks at euc. they can barely believe them and in fact they don’t. phos expresses some concern about dying (”after all, those less than 5 includes me”) but they still throw themselves into danger, they still take no care of themselves.

Phos’ self hatred and self-destructive tendencies run deeper than euc’s words could ever cut. those words meant well, but they were too little too late. phos thinks they don’t deserve this kind of hope, they cannot understand it, cannot fathom a world in which they are true and so they will go on believing that they are alone and worthless. next time they go on earth, they’ll go alone and unharmed

it is ironic. they did so much, they went to the moon and back multiple times, put their life on the line multiple times, made more progress toward unveiling the truth about the lunarians and finding a way for them to be free of samsara than anyone else did in hundreds (presumably) of thousands of years. they did it by themselves. in barely three hundred years. that’s impressive. and yet it’s not enough for phos. in their mind, they just keep failing.

so what’s the big deal? they can sacrifice themselves, it’s the least they can do and no one will miss them after all. unfortunately, this is true, at least to some extent.

im appalled by how little even the moon gems care about phos. they’re so self-centered it’s almost funny.

even alex, who has gone through loss and grief if not as much at least in a way similar to phos cannot find enough compassion in themselves to be concerned about phos’ wellbeing after a few months on the moon.

ive heard people mention how this could be a result of the moon people injecting who knows what into the gems or manipulating them someway or another, but i believe that there was no need to. phos is an anomaly after all, their kindness is an anomaly. the lustrous are little more than self-centered children: they are able of little if no introspection and they cannot process complex emotions like grief if not by shutting off those emotions altogether.

the moon gems are still vaguely concerned about phos. in ch 76, when phos departs for earth for the last time, they do tell them to be careful and come back if things get bad, but they do little more than that. it’s little comfort and too little emotional closeness and by no means close to the huge amount of support and (emotional) assistance that phos needs at this point.

phos tries to make do with what they have: a will to end this war and the superficial words of what should be their family, but it’s not even remotely enough. and yet phos, just like any other lustrous, is very bad at introspection: they don’t notice or if they notice they repress it. what’s one more thing down the subconscious after all? it’s fine. phos can take it, until they can no more and they snap without having any idea that they will snap.

phos’ journey, which has made them increasingly more emotional, fragile and human (the last one quite literally) has also made phos even more alone than they were at the beginning of the story. more alone, with the same sense of worthlessness, the same urgency to be good for something or self-destroy, and so much more grief, trauma, guilt and repressed emotions.

5. snapping

“I mustn’t think of anything” phos reminds themselves in ch 76. because thinking never brought anything good and because euc would see right through it.

once again, phos is repressing emotions. here they go, trying to be a cold blooded killer, ready to betray sensei again, the one person who has been good to them and that phos tried to hate with all their heart but just couldnt.

as ive written in a previous analysis, one of aechmea’s lowest blows was to tell the gems he was exploiting and manipulating to reach a salvation he doesnt deserve that if the gems want to acquire freedom they must do so by themselves. talk about coherence.

but that isnt all, he sinks even lower than this: he makes phos and the others question sensei’s affection for them. he says that sensei’s love is fake, it’s synthetic, the gems should totally make him pray or destroy him, no remorse, no strings attached. it’s such a dirty move.

no wonder it confuses phos even more. phos believes it, or tries to, they say they want to break sensei into pieces, but after the night raid they realize that it cant be that simple. sensei never attacked them. he has always been good to phos. and phos feels even more worthless, more of a traitor for daring believe in love, in sensei’s affection, when here they are, on the lunarians’ side, ready to betray him again.

how dare phos hope for anything? they dont deserve love, they dont deserve hope, they dont deserve happiness. they can try to give it to other people, they’ll kill themselves in order to do so, but they have no more hope and no love left for themselves, and they had so little to begin with.

as ive said, phos has little self-awareness and little introspection. i do believe that they had no idea they were going to snap until they did. even in ch 77, when sensei tells them he cannot pray, phos spends their last seconds of consciousness (before being attacked by all of the gems) to kindly ask him to pray. they dont care about themselves, but they dont reflect long enough to consider that reaching out to sensei like that could be interpreted as hostile by the paranoid earth gems. i think this is the first sign that phos is about to snap: they’re quite literally desperate.

tired beyond measure and forced to spend 220 more years in isolation, broken into pieces scattered all over the island, when phos comes to their senses again once kongo reassembles them they’re beyond despair. this war is taking the last toll on them and phos has no more energy to go on.

“please,” they say “pray. do it for no one else but me. grant me mercy,” from one bodhisattva to the other. they’re still somewhat normal, but when sensei fails to pray again phos can’t take it anymore. desperation and rage, fueled by hopelessness, worthlessness, grief and exhaustion make phos launch themselves against sensei, which, ironically, it’s exactly what the story needs.

apparently, phos is human enough to activate sensei but not human enough to make him pray. however, when the two of them join hands, sensei can actually pray. maybe it’s because both phos and sensei are intended to be bodhisattva? maybe because human voice commands are not as strong as contact? i have no idea.

phos has snapped by the way, and it’s weird how they go from “If only you weren’t here” to “sensei actually loves me” in a couple of chapters. in a certain way, we’re seeing phos going back to their roots: they love sensei and trust in sensei’s love, they’re once again openly emotional and impulsive, they’re once again ostracized by the gems (of course, much more violently this time).

i have written about how, after ‘fusing’ with sensei for a brief second, phos doesnt speak for the entirety of ch 81. they look and act like a literal monster, a scared animal, which is ironic since we know that they’re now human. i hypothesized that they might be reborn and that’s why they don’t speak, they’re a literal infant, but in light of ch 82, i think they’re simply hurt beyond measure.

they reversed to their old emotional persona, vomiting out all the emotions and pain and rage and hate they repressed during these 300 years. and yet they still don’t hurt anyone, not as much and as deliberately as they could at least.

they’re conscious enough to recognize the notebook and be reminded of their lost friends, realize how little the earth gems care for phos and for what they’re doing. and, i believe, when phos is rescued and comes back to the moon, they are, for the first time in the whole manga, enraged by the earth gems’ stupidity and sheer ungratefulness.

phos has been fighting for the wellbeing of everyone for centuries, putting their life on the line, never asking for anything in return and always believing that they were doing the right thing. and yet it’s not enough.

aechmea is a clever politician, and like every good politician he’s good at picking up changes and turning them in his favor.

he notices that there’s something wrong with phos and with the way they feel about the gems. maybe he doesnt yet realize that phos is angry at them for being ungrateful, but he senses something so he provokes phos: “you said to leave you on earth last time. did you change your mind?” that is “i’m not your enemy. see? im doing what you want me to do. not quite like those people down there on earth. oh, wait, were those your friends? aw, such a pity. to think they attacked you after everything you’ve done for them. but they’re your family, right? i’ll send you back to them if this is what you want. see? i’ll listen to your wishes. i am grateful.”

look how intently he looks at phos as phos incoherently and obsessively repeats the same thing over and over: “he would have prayed. he would have prayed for me. he loves me. he would have prayed.” if you want, this is also a syìubtle way for phos to apologize: they still feel responsible for their failure, but aechmea must understand: phos did everything they could, it would have worked, it was the gems’ fault.

adamant put phos back together, showing phos that he still cares. he is the only one that loves phos, while the gems (all gems, phos doesnt care much for differences at this point) keep hurting phos even if phos is only trying to help. so they must be killed. to hell with them all. and, notice, phos doesnt include themselves in the ‘gem’ category: they’re no longer a lustrous. they’re a monster, a liminal creature.

with nothing left to believe in if not sensei’s love and a promise to make him pray and then die in peace, phos wants to destroy the only thing that they believe stands between them and finally being useful, but also between them and freedom (freedom from suffering, from guilt, from existing, from their pain, from being): the gems.

this isn’t the first time that phos wants to kill something: in ch 68 they spoke about crushing sensei to pieces. it’s heartbreaking how phos went from “if only the moon people weren’t here” to “if only sensei weren’t here” to “if only the gems weren’t here.” will it turn into: “if only i weren’t here?” who are phos’ allies? who does phos feel kinship with? who is phos? they no longer know, and they’ve not known for a long time.

aechmea has noticed and he’s quick to turn the situation to his advantage. he shakes phos’ hand, he’ll grant them freedom just like phos will grant the lunarians’ freedom. he’ll forgive phos for failing, for their sins, for the bottomless despair and guilt that phos has been living with for centuries. salvation, hope, that is all phos needs.

as @rinboz pointed out, phos’ gold in ch 82 takes the shape of a lotus seed pod, a direct reference to when antarc was abducted and the gold had turned into a lotus flower.

through pain, phos had blossomed into a new character that day, marking the beginning of their long journey toward truth and toward discovering that there is no truth. the day the story changed from a coming of age manga to something much, much more intricate.

phos’ pod is empty, they have nothing left to lose, it’s a dead flower. this is the end of the journey that started with antarc’s abduction. when phos wakes up again, it will probably be with new memories and a new addition to their body, possibly red diamond.

phos’ self destruction has reached its apex because it finally became so intense to extend outwards, to other people that, in their immense grief, phos wants to bring down with them. this might be a minuscule form of progress: anger is better than repressing emotions at least, but phos’ problems are far from being solved.

6. on the future

what will be of phos then? it really depends.

the fact that they’re finally showing all that sufferance and those emotions they tried so hard to repress is good, but aechmea is still there to take advantage of it.

phos will never be free as long as they dont associate themselves with someone that truly loves them and as long as they cant find someone that can help them deal with their emotions. aechmea is just using them and only ichikawa knows what he meant when he told barbata to be careful with those 200 years emotions.

theoretically, phos was unconscious during the timelapse, but if there are emotions to treat carefully maybe they weren’t? maybe the change we’ve seen in phos this chapter depends on what they had to endure during that time. or maybe aechmea simply wants to make sure that his pet is easy to use.

i do believe we’re close to the end. i dont know if it will be the end of the series or just the end of phos as we know them. i could hope for something good to finally happen to them and for them to heal, but it would take a therapist or someone that loves phos.

maybe euclase could side up with sensei, they seemed the most concerned about phos’ status and the most prone to believe them. maybe goshe and cicada could do something again, maybe rutile will fix padpa once more and padpa will talk with the earth gems (not very likely, but im throwing theories left and right at this point), or maybe barbata will refuse to follow aechmea’s instructions, at least in part, and try to help phos.

as always, im afraid we’ll have to wait. in the meantime, please hug phos. if you read up to this point hug phos. hug them now and shower them with love, because no one else will

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #phosphophyllite #meta #best

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huntsman-ash · 4 years ago

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RWBY LiveThoughts: Episodes 8 and 9

So I missed last weeks episode since I got busy with stuff (school mostly, basic bitch busy day and all) so here’s two for one.

Gotta say, Im interested to see where this is going...

So something I missed the last few episodes; the final shot of the opening has the words “happily ever after” turn into “happy never again”, which I am both trepitided by and also intruged.

Cut to the jail cell AGAIN...Schnee’s looking a bit ansty. Boi probably thought he was getting out sooner. Suck it mate, your lawyers are DEAD.

Convinent blast of fire is convinenet...knocks out the cell doors and punches a hole but thats it. My money’s on Cinder

Qrow becomes bird on reaction. Makes sense really.

Two fade to blacks in less than 2 minutes? Come on RT...

Ohhh its Nora waking up. So does that mean Robyn’s dead? I doubt it, but that drama spike is def a thing.

IV tech in Atlas is almost the same as our world. Interesting.

Whitley A poses like a god.

Looks like Penny’s back snapped. Or something...maybe a coolant pipe or something similar. And the return of British Klein.

And there goes the power. Probably a Grimm getting smashed into it during a fight...or they left it unguarded. Either or. Lot of explosions, either way...

Bombing run...has Atlas gone to area denial now?

...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THOSE FUCKING FLYING JELLYFISH GRIMM CAN MELEE AIRSHIPS?! Can we just...how in the... (LONG SUFFERING SIGH OF MILTIARY FAN) Not...going to comment. MOVING ON.

Honestly that animation seems oddly...flat. Like they just did the bare minimum...the ship breaks cleanly too. ~12 or so bits in between its nose and tail section. Kinda reminds me of how the UNSC Savannah blows up after suffering a reactor breach in Halo Reach’s “Long Night of Solace” mission.

Yes, its too much Ruby. ITS WAR. Huntsmen and Atlas were not ready for it. Never have been. Welcome to the bloody grim fable.

Oh hi Willow, where did you come from. Also, vodka. Wait. Generator near the-Oh, I bet I know where THIS is going...fuckin Five Nights style shit at this. Slash Jurrassic Park...

Whitley showing the first signs of being human...utilizing Atlas cargoships for evac. Nice.

Shit, the storms spread across all of Atlas. How the hell are they gonna get out through that? Also DEF getting fuckin’ Jurrasic Park vibes here.

Why does a power startup sequence take so long...

Oh so they can talk. Also Blake says “as a girl”. Soooo what, she thinks shes older than RWBY mentally? I mean maybe she is (she did kill a man) but whos counting?

Ladybug fans getting FED right now.

Hehe, the houses CANDLES are fed by the main power. How quaint.

YEP. Knew shit was gonna hit the fan. CONTACT. Hound

The chess set seems to have black loosing. Wonder if that means anything. Or if its just random.

Yep its the Hound. Knew it.

DID IT JUST ONESHOT RUBY’S AURA?! THE FUCK RT WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT BEING RESILIANT?!

Oh its trying to kidnap her. Also those wings just EXPLODED out of it. Must have learned from last time. No weird screaming noises.

DAMN THOUGH WEISS’S MOM GOT THAT CAKE! THICC SCHNEE ASS

WOOPS. No more booze for you Mrs Schnee

And Pennys back up and SHES NOT PLEASED.

Also I like how completely dead and robotic Penny is while hacked. It amuses me. Unfortunatly for Watts hacking something with MAIDEN POWERS doesnt seem to work too well. SURPRISE.

Oh and of course its got backup, DISRUPTING WEISS’S SUMMONING AGAIN

Ha, it thought Ruby was Penny. Lul. Makes sense, young girl, whatever.

Oh look, a Hydralisk. Or, Salems horrible attempt at making a Hydralisk.

Hacking denied BY THE POWER OF BUTCH LESBIANS!

Willow having a panic attack, doesnt really surprise me. Then again she IS a Huntress, or was, maybe she’ll get over it.

Chandelier. Phantom of the Opera time?

Unsurprising twist is unsurprising...makes sense Whitley would get covered in that green shit.

Further proof to my theory the Hound is eyeless

And Willow doing her fucking job. NICE.

I know I should be worried for them while running but again, THAT SCHNEE ASS THOUGH GOOD LORD.

These bigger Grimm are getting smarter. They’re learning how to handle CQC.

Target DOWN. Sadly, did not explode into showers of acid when Ruby cut it down.

Okay that was pretty cool with the arm. Always was a fan of “useless limbs only for smashing”. Ah THERES the Silver Eyes. PROBABLY SHOULDNT HAVE TAKEN HER ROBOT WIFE PRISONER BIIITCCH.

Penny is just getting ALL KINDS of fucked up rn.

WELL THEN. The Hounds not ACTUALLY a Grimm. Just a parasite on a host. Salem couldnt get them smart enough by themselves (to no ones surprise, they’re completely SHIT in terms of actual lethality) so she steals a...faunus of some kind looks like. And just makes him wear a Grimm suit. Useful. Good to know.

Also this episode has been making excessive use of sweat drops. Did they get that figured out or what

HA! Grimm dont handle physics well do they!

The Grimm arm that results looks like Cinders. Intentional, Im compleretly sure. Also the fact theres bone underneath proves to me more what I thought. Its just a host.

How...UNIMPRESSIVE.

However the fact that the bones have TWISTED and resulted in the Hounds form is...interesting. Unless those were there first (and they seem to be as they last past the Hound vanishing)...was that a secondary feature? He had the ears...

We’ll probably never know.

Ah so it WAS Cinder breaking in. To get Watts most likely.

Kinda feel bad for these three troopers. Shoulda brought shotguns, boi.

Fucking moron with a rocket launcher. WHY is he firing this thing INSIDE? Against a humanoid target? Though it is nice to know that Atlas does in fact have rocket launchers.

And now, Episode 9

...wow, way to start us off. Field littered with dead Atlas troopers. Yeah MAYBE IF YOU HAD SOME DEFENSIVE POSITIONS buddy...least they still got fire from the Paladins.

You know this kinda feels like an Imperial Guard moment. Point made, RT.

Also those Mantas peeled off without DOING anything. Least you could do is drop some ordinance...

Wait I t hink they did...also, for about 2 seconds you can see the silverfish Grimm that won that contest.

Alright, so RJY is inside the whale now. Good.

Good question Yang. Probably cause you dont really have any other options?

I feel like Jaunes hair has become less plant-like and more realistic.

New fairy tale; The Girl who Fell Through The World. Interesting. Wonder if thats in the book somewhere.

So hes got access to magic but it makes them fuse faster. Alright, cool. Nice limitation.

...my god. Trenches. Standing formation. HUNTERS IN ARMOR?!

Its...its beautiful. Its everything Ive ever wanted! Seriously you HAVE to see this.

Just look at it. The lights, the Mantas in he background, the fact that FNKI is there and WEARING ARMOR! Neon in her skates with weapon at the ready, everyone else standing firm, winter Walking the trench line like shes fucking Commissar Vale...

Its. Just. SO. GOOD.

And then they rush to glorious battle moments later. OH YES PLEASE

“Right now, just kill Grimm.” PERFECT

Hazel short-walking amuses me to no end.

Hazel has “II” in roman numerals on his arm band. I doubt it means anything but its funny

Spontanious Emerald is spontanious. And convinenent.

Glowy blue titty woman yeahhhhhh

And there goes Hazel with his change of heart. Been good knowing you pal...I can guess where THIS is going.

Oscar is distracted by the big glowy milkys.

Also; Neo can...thats most interesting. Fully camoflauged. USEFUL. And of course you can see her ass for ONE SECOND and I bet the FANDOMS HAVING FUN WITH THAT

If Yang wasnt afraid right now I’d be very surprised.

Random floating Seer as well.

MAN THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH FUCKING CONVENIENCE GOING ON RIGHT NOW LIKE

I get it. Nice to see things not going according to plan for Salem exactly but

Ehh.

Hahaha. Juan. Bro doesnt even remember Jaunes name. Also that short section of fight is magnificent. This is what I have always imagined the HKs being like.

CLEVER. Nice work Emerald.

Also uhhh...dont need no semblance ot see THAT Ren, she got that confused scared face right on there.

Tsundere Emerald continues

Also, the fact that all the troops stand in line around the bomb when it arrives amuses me. Like, yes, we must worship this tool of horror we have created.

Timer...ohhhhh thats gonna end poorly. WHY AM I GETTING SHADES OF LONG NIGHT OF SOLACE AGAIN?

Did Salem straight up make a door right through the wall? With a perfectly good one behind her? God damn.

Also on that subject uhhhhh off the walls guys, not to hard. Landing strats right?

OH NO WAIT FIGHT TIME.

Magic still doesnt seem impressive to me. Just...mildly forceful. Yeah it whacked Jaune and Ren off their feet but

Still. No 40k psyker is she.

Ohh ho. OH THATS NICE

Also Yang punched her titty. That is hilarious to me.

BREAK, BITCH! SUFFER AND SHATTER! In the words of the Chaplain Grimaldus; “BURN HERETIC!”

Addit; First time we see her regeneration. Seems its literally anything, she pulls herself back together using Grimm bits. Obviously shes not fully human considering that blast Yang hit her with should have liquified her organs. Makes SENSE of course.

Okay, magic seems to kinda work, she didnt like that much.

I paused at the perfect time and Yangs ass is riiigghhhttt at Oscars crotch more or less. Unintentional I know but its funny to me.

Also those sigils...like Weiss’s glyphs perhaps?

Huh. Two kinds of magic. The bright sunshiny ranbow one she used to hit Ren and Jaune, and now this void looking shadowy stuff. So...two kinds perhaps? Creation and Destruction or...light and dark maybe is more accurate. Makes SENSE, shes studied in both and uses both. All aspects.

Okay NOW Im seeing why RT got Jen Taylor to do Salem. We jussttt had to wait to the point she got mad enough to really start showing off.

Also Salem seems oddly unconvinced about Summer.

Awww, Emeralds crying. HOW PATHETIC

Someones gotta distract her...well this works. Again, RIP Hazel, you were pretty cool.

Homie goin ALL out on this. YEAH!

Okay, magic seems to be both, she has the void walker balls shooting rainbow light...

I like how casually Salem takes it. Seeing that Grimm ichor splatter was REAL nice though

IMMOLATIOIN OH YESSSS

Good, SHE DOES BURN!

Awwww. And it ends there. Of course it does.

Well hey maybe hes NOT dead. Albiet that looked like him passing out/getting strangled so who knows. Good news; Salem burns just like anyone else. If it feels pain you can kill it

And thats this weeks!

#spoilers #rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby v8

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losangelesvalorant · 5 years ago

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final thoughts on games today:

Tl;dr: london is going to have Issues with a capital I, paris is fine and will be better w hanbin, boston were okay and them losing just solidifies how fucking scary and well-oiled nyxl is rather than boston being terrible. Titans, like usual, have no respect for their opponents and could be even scarier /if/ they wanted to be, valiant pops off sometimes but cant do it consistently, shock looks rusty and dallas needs to pocket decay even harder than they already are to win games.

london: i see a lot of potential in them, but until they gain confidence they’re c tier for me. They seem overcoached and lost when they aren’t unable to go through with their set plays, of which they way too many for each map. When they were able to play their game, they cycled their ults well, but were easily forced out of their comfort zone. Bernar tried his best to carry, but jmac looked lost and wasn’t able to bait nicodgh’s walls at all, that might be a problem w coordination w sanguinar for speedboost tho. babel wasn’t quick enough to get his walls out in time, though they were great when he did. Glister and highly tried their best, sanguinar seems to play very individualistically which gave london chances, but fdgod just outplayed him mostly. Once teams figure out how to play vs them they’re fucked unless the coaches move away from set plays and unless the team builds more confidence. This team is going to suffer with hero pools if they don’t fix something quick. London honestly and truly has a TON of potential, but not the coordination or confidence or coaching to utilize it.

paris: they’re gonna be scary as they get more coordinated! Can’t wait til they can run at full strength w better tanks. They made good adaptations and looked good doing it. Nicodgh’s walls were sick, nosmite looked great, fdgod is a fragger, xzi clicked heads and greyy and hyp did good too. Benbest i didnt watch. I really like what i see with this team, but we haven’t seen them at full strength so i dont feel like i have much to say about them. Definitely a dark horse for me. They should thrive with hero pools.

nyxl: nyxl looks as dominant as ever. They’re coordinated, smart, aware, turn impossible situations around, and quickly shut down every win condition boston had before they could even execute it. Though whoru’s mei is def the weak link for me (his walls kinda suck. I think theyre just giving him stage experience here tbh. His genji slaps tho), him and sbb/nenne are a scary duo, everything that can be said abt jjonak and anamo has been said already (They are the best. They are the best. They are the best.), and mano and hotba are both doing excellently. I dont feel that this is their optimal meta, but nyxl has showed a lot of willingness to adapt to their opponents and make swaps, which i like. I’m not worried for them in hero pools, though they might stumble a bit. They’re solidly in S tier for me now

boston: This is gonna be controversial (and take this w a grain of salt cuz im plat.) but boston played better than i expected cuz im a pessimist and was expecting them to get completely rolled, and they at least showed some signs of life. They’ve clearly scrimmed a lot of different comps and looked at least vaguely competent in them, which is more than dallas valiant and london can say. They tried to go for a lot of clutches which never rly worked. they tried to adapt, but nyxl outmatched them and kinda drove them away. Axxiom and fusions were coordinated and i liked their dive, their double shield not so much. boston dps were holding their own, swimmer and myunbong were too, there’s not rly a carry on this team. axxiom i think is being slept on tho. They could definitely kite better and coordinate more, and make faster/smarter swaps, but they at least looked pretty synergized. They were clearly outmatched but they def looked better throughout the whole series than london did vs nyxl after the first 2 maps. Boston seems like a B- tier team to me, but they could be better and i do want to see them play more before im certain abt this. I’d call this a quality loss despite the scoreline

vancouver: Titans clearly didn’t prep much for this match and didn’t respect valiant as much as they should have. There’s no weak points on this team, just that all of them went for clutches they shouldn’t have and got punished for it bc they assumed valiant would be weaker than they were. Titans hate being methodical but are great when they are. When they subbed stitch in, they went for more dumb plays it seemed like, so i bet sms is the one keeping them chill. Fissure’s playing bumper style (taking space and dying for it) but quieter, which I like, bc it means they can pocket haksal harder and let twilight go for more plays. Good adaptations, great plays, great synergy, once titans got their feet under them and downloaded valiant it was over. Their dive was soooo clean. Nothing to be said about this roster that hasnt been said already (theyre the best). This is classic titans and im glad to see losing bumper hasnt completely stopped them from doing dumb shit, cuz even if it hurts me to watch its fun. They should be absolutely fine with hero pools, S tier.

valiant: Valiant only have one comp and theyre Very good at it, especially in the mirror, but theyre having trouble adapting to titans. They have very high highs and very low lows, they also try to clutch sometimes and fuck up. When the team pops off theyre sick, when they dont they… dont. Gig is a madlad. I do like that they prepped for the titan’s bap strat on lijiang and shut it down entirely, that was very good coaching, but they weren’t able to adapt to non-mirror matches after that. They might get fucked by hero pools bc they didn’t show anything successfully other than rein/dva variations, but we’ll see. I'm finding them fun to watch and I'm interested to see if they can consistently maintain their peak play. B tier, i think their weaknesses are more exploitable than boston’s but that boston would lose to them. Id compare them to hunters last year but if hunters played meta

shock: I didnt watch this match super close tbh. Shock looks strong as usual, but they stumbled far too much for my liking when they let doha and decay get value but otherwise incredibly dominant. Architect’s ana got sooooo much value as the series went on, beautiful sleeps beautiful nades beautiful nanos etc *chefs kiss.* i dont think shock prepped super hard for them, and they rly couldve adapted better on horizon and won that map, but it was overall dominant. They seemed pretty rusty honestly but theyre still good, but they should be pissed they got fullheld on horizon. I’m not going to draw any conclusions from this game when it comes to shock bc its one game and its their first game back. S tier, they’ll be fine with hero pools.

Dallas: Dallas looked way better than yesterday, when decay and doha were unleashed and it was less about taking space they were monsters. Tank play was better but not great, glad theyre not making note play rein anymore. Decay is a god and doha played around him really well and his walls were sick. When decay couldn’t play mccree and couldnt get support, there was nothing dallas could do. Gamsu… seemed a bit tilted and used ults he shouldnt have. There were also communication issues, it didnt seem like trill called some of his shatters which meant the team couldnt follow up. They weren’t able to adapt that well without set strats, and other teams will use that to their advantage. Once a team figures out how to shut down doha and decay the game is over. C tier, will struggle in hero pools

right now rankings for me go titans, nyxl shock in S tier, glads in A tier, toronto, paris, valiant, boston in B tier, dallas, london in C tier

#notes #again take my opinions w a grain of salt this is such plat chat shit its not even funny. i just like writing things down

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kendallbarnes · 6 years ago

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Nikki sixx

Summary: (y/n) is motley crues new assistant. (Y/n) is one of the many assistants that motley crue had. Will (y/n) be able to handle their crazy life. Maybe she will find someone special along the way

I was working at a record store. It was my absolute favorite place to be. I loved music, the way it could lift people's spirits. It could make them forget about their troubles and everything going on around them. It was like music had some kind of effect on people.

Different music created a different effect. Rock music made you want to bang your head to the beat of the music. Love songs made you want to be in love. I liked a little bit of everything but I was more into rock than anything else. It wasn't just their music that interested me it was their lives. They live such crazy lives I always wondered how they managed it.

Finally my shift was over. As I walked out I saw a flyer taped to the front of the window outside of the shop. The flyer read looking for an assistant for a band. The flyer had a phone number on it. Me being curious went to the nearest payphone and dialed the phone number on the flyer.

The phone started to ring and then someone picked up.

"Hello" They said. "I'm calling about the job" I said. "Oh yes meet me at the recording studio" He said giving me the address to the recording studio. I thanked him and hung up.

Did I really want to be an assistant for a band. I eventually got into my car and drove home. I got home and cooked dinner. After I ate my dinner I took a shower. After I got out of the shower I went to bed.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I got up and got ready. I put on some light makeup and put on some Jean's a t shirt and my converse. I cooked some breakfast consisting of eggs and bacon. After I ate my breakfast I drove to work.

I worked at my job until it was time to go to my job meeting. I tried to get to the record studio but I got lost a couple times, but after about 45 minutes I finally arrived to the recording studio. I walked in the building and walked up to the front desk.

"I'm here for the job opening" I said. "Of course" She said giving me the directions where the meeting will be held.

I walked to the room and knocked on the door.

"Come in" A Male voice said. I walked in the room. "So you want the job" He said. I nodded.

"Great you got the job" He said shaking me hand. I was stunned I thought this would be harder.

"Shouldnt you be asking me questions about the job" I asked confused. "All you need to do is keep the band from doing anything too stupid. I nodded my head.

"I guess you should meet the band now" He said motioning me out the room. We walked to the room where I'm assuming the band is. I walked in the room and what I saw amazed me.

There stood one of the most infamous rock bands motley crue.

"This is your new assistant try not to scare her away" Tom said while chuckling.

"Hi I'm Tommy Lee" He said towering over my short small body. " Hi I'm Vince" a guy with blonde hair and blue eyes said. "Hi I'm mick" said the older one. I could tell he was the oldest one.

"Hi I'm Nikki" he said introducing himself. I couldn't help but stare at him he was gorgeous with his big black and hair and beautiful hazel eyes. I finally averted my eyes. I realized they all had black hair except Vince.

I ended up staying until they were done recording. "Hey assistant lady you wanna bump" Tommy asked. "What is a bump and my name is (y/n)" I said. He then pulled out a bag if coke. I was kinda shocked I knew they did drugs but I have never seen drugs before especially not coke.

"No thanks" I said. I left and drove home. I realized I have to quit my other job if I really want this one.

I had to ask myself did I really want this job. Is it not gonna be worth all of the money. I mean Motley Crue is known for all of the crazy stuff that they do. They were the literal definition of sex,drugs, and Rock n Roll. Maybe being their assistant will make my life a little more exciting.

I finally knew what I was gonna do, I was gonna be Motley Crues assistant. It was a hard decision but I realized that I would get payed more being their assistant than I would working at the record shop. Dont get me wrong I loved working at the record shop but now I get to work with one of the bands. This was a once in a lifetime chance.

I quickly went to bed and fell asleep. Once again my alarm woke me up. I got ready to go to the recording studio, I dressed simple I wore a crop top, some Jean's, and some sneakers. I drove to the studio. When I arrived I signed in and headed to the studio were the boys were recording.

When I walked in I saw Vince recording, I saw Tommy snorting some coke, Mick was drowning a bottle of Jack Daniel's, and nikki was writing down a song. He looked so concentrated his brows furrowed. He looked really attractive.

"Hey its assistant lady" Tommy yelled running over to me. " I do have a name you know" I said. Nikki looked up at me and I swear my legs turned to hello. I heard the door open and Tom walked in.

"The boys are going on tour and your going with them" Tom informed me. "When are we leaving" I asked. "In 2 days" He replied.

I was watching nikki play the bass the way his fingers dragged across the strings made my heart flutter. He must have caught me staring.

"Do you like it" He asked smiling at me with his bright hazel eyes that could make anyone go crazy with just one look.

I was surprised I actually formed a sentence without stuttering.

"Do you want me to teach you sometime" He asked me. "Sure I would love that" I said smiling. I was screaming internally, Nikki fucking Sixx just offered to teach me how to play base. Our conversation was cut short when Tommy knocked a record off of the wall.

We had to leave because of Tommy. "Hey (y/n) were having a party at our house wanna come" Vince asked me.

"I don't know" I said wearily. "Please it will be fun and you don't have to do any drugs" Tommy said practically begging me to come.

"Fine" I said giving in. "Yay, you're gonn have so much fun I promise you won't regret this" Tommy said practically jumping with excitement.

"I better not" I replied. I finally got home and started getting ready for the party I wore the same thing but with makeup on.

I headed to their house. When I arrived to the party their was a lot of people their. I walked in. I saw a bunch of people either dancing, drinking, or doing drugs. I eventually found the guys. They were snorting coke. So I guess this is a regular thing for them.

"Wheres Vince" I asked them wondering where he had gone off to. "Hes in the bathroon" The guys said giggling. "I don't get it" I asked curious as to why they were laughing. "Hes in the bathroom with another girl" Nikki said. I finally connected the dots I felt so stupid.

Of course he was a rock star they are known for sleeping with a lot of girls especially their fans. Tommy ran to go get some coke. As I was talking to Mick and Nikki a girl comes running up to Nikki.

"Hey you wanna go somewhere else" She asks Nikki looking him up and down with lust in her eyes. He nodded his head looking her up and down with the same amount of lust she had when she did the same thing. They then walked away together. I couldn't help but feel my chest tighten.

Tommy eventually came back with the coke.

"Wheres Nikki" He asked holding a plate littered with lines of coke on it. "He went with some girl" Mick answered. He then took another swig of his beer.

"More for me I guess" Tommy said snorting lines of coke. I was walking trying to find the bathroom. When I finally found the bathroom and opened the door I saw Nikki snorting cocaine off of some girls naked body. He looked at me shocked. I muttered a quick sorry and shut the door and ran away. I accidently ran into Tommy.

"Woah, (y/n) why are you running" Tommy asked chuckling. At this point my face was a deep shade of red and all the blood rushed to my cheeks.

"I accidently walked in on Nikki and some girl having sex" I said. He busted out laughing. He assured me that it was fine and that it even happened to him once before. I eventually left the party too scared to face Nikki after what had happened before. I was gonna have to face him eventually. I woke up the next morning and got ready and headed to the studio. When I got there all the guys were wearing shades. It was obvious they were hungover from last night.

"Hey Nikki do you remember anything from last night" I asked curious and deep down hoping he didn't. He shook his head, oh thank God. His hair always looked the same, it was so big it sometimes covered his gorgeous hazel eyes. His hair did look good though, sometimes I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. Wait no i can't think like that I work for them.

I went and grabbed some pain killers from my purse and handed them to the guys.

"Thought you guys might need this" I said. They quickly took the pill bottle. They each swallowed some pills. "Last night was crazy" Tommy yelled. I heard the rest if the guys groan.

"Must you be so loud Tommy" Said Vince. They took about 30 minutes to start recording because they were waiting for the pain killers to kick in. But as soon as they kicked in they were back to recording.

They all sounded absolutely amazing. Vince was great at vocals. Tommy was amazing at playing the drums. Mick was phenomenal at playing the guitar. Nikki was amazing at playing the bass, the way his fingers glided across the strings was hypnotizing.

They eventually finished recording and I had to get home to start packing for the tour. I waved goodbye to the guys and left. This was gonna be an interesting tour.

#the dirt #nikki sixx #motley crue #motley crue imagine #nikki sixx imagine #nikki x reader #mick mars #vince neil #tommy lee #imagine

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miu15 · 5 years ago

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Petunia (WCB prologue thing)

He bats his hand away from the buttons."No, no, just hold me tighter Witt." There is no change in pressure. So he pushes himself onto the other with more desperation. "Witt, please" he whines.

"Shh." Witt hushes onto his lips and continues with a gentle hold on the others hips. Anger boils in Yogi's chest, passion fuels it and he bites Witt on the bottom lip and holds it hostage. Witt cries out as blood drips. Yogi lets go but before witt can protest his attention is yanked abruptly to meet yogi's. Yogi's grip on witts chin will leave a bruise but that seems to be the least of Witt's problems however.

The fire has reached his bright green eyes. "Youre not paying attention to me." Witt lowers his eyes away from yogi. Yogi refuses to be ignored and yanks his chin again. Witt makes a grunt of annoyance. But meets his gaze straight on.

Neither makes a sound, its a challenge for the other to make the first move. Unlike his usually self, yogi hesitates and his green eyes burn into witt's blue. Witt gaze is daring, its not as mysterious as he would of wished and it takes only a minute for yogi to figure out what everyone has been spending a week searching for. The traitor.

"You son of a bitch." Yogi growls still holding Witt's chin. Witt makes no sound or movement to escape. " you son of a bitch!" Yogi yells louder. He yells as if the louder he scream, the quicker itll be for the past to change. The green burns brighter but yogi doesnt use the fire on witt. Instead he throws his chin to the side and yells more. "Do you know what you've done!? Do you ever fucking think?"

"Yogi-"

Yogi picks up a glass bottle and throws it next to Witt. Its not meant to harm him, its simply a warning.

"Shut up! You fucking idiot" he groans and buries his eyes as deep as he can into the palm of his hand. "You fucking screwed me Witt. You fucked me over and you- you- never think!" He takes out his cigerette and lighter but the lighter wont light so he throws it across the room and crumples the cigerette.

"I dont regret it."

Yogi rounded back to him. "So I have to!? I have to regret for you? I always have to clean up after your shit." He jabs his finger at Witt.

"Nothing will happen to you Yogi, you didnt do shit."

"Exactly Idiot! I didnt do shit! You made sure of that!"

"What are you talking about?" Witt wraps his arms across his chest and sinks down the wall onto the floor.

"Im in charge of you and the other idiot. You only thought of yourself!"

Witt stayed on the floor but he didnt need to stand to for the anger to be intimidating. Witt doesnt get angry. He gets annoyed, he gets fatigued, but he doesnt get angry. Its not explosive like yogis. Its silent and yogi doesnt understand it placement in the first place.

"Yogi this may have been one of the least selfish thing ive done. Forget our line of work, that! That was evil and made us just as bad the enemy. We watched in safety while he hurt her every day. Damn the consequence I'd do it again, tell him. Make it easier on yourself. Let amir kill me."

Yogi stopped pacing and lowered to witt slowly. "Kill you? You think, he'll kill you?" Yogi slowly unbuttoned his shirt and made sure witt focused when he tried to turn his head away. "I would lie about it. Tell a fun story, make everyone jealous." He scoffed. The purple line glinted catching Witt's whole attention. "You left 'to search and be a good blood hound.'" Tenderly he shrugged the shirt off thin lines of bright purple and red ran in chaotic paths across his arms. Around his chest was a set of fresh gauze. "Its not just one," he laughs. "He like her, as confusing as it is."

"Yogi-"

Yogi shoots him a glare. " No Witt." And he continues to unwrap. "You want death? He wont give you the pleasure." The red lines grow thicker and more mared. There's purple and black and red and green and blue. But theres so much red. Witt gently pushes away the bright strands of Yogi's long hair. Yogi in turn puts it in his usual ponytail. The signs were all there. The thick jackets, the hair being left down, the clothes on whenever theyd- "dont start feeling guilty now idiot. Some of them arent just your mistakes." There were older scars circular on his sternum, but they werent scars they were burns. But it all went dark black as it got closer to where his heart should be. Over it was a single gauze taped into place.

His body was marred with lightning and burns and scratches from beastial claws. It was a wonder he moved a gracifully as he could.

"H-how?"

"How, what? Hm? How am I still living? Amir needs me. Not me exactly but my role. And i know too much to easily replace. Who knows maybe youll take it when you know enough. He has friends Witt, he cant afford to kill. So he wont. He needs my eyes my hands my arms my mind and my body. So he makes sure it works. He assures me I'll work at the end of the day and I love him for it. I love my role and I dont try to run from it." Carefully and painfully he removes the gauze. A single glowing purple flower with crystals encrusting it are all embedded where his heart should be. "I cant run from it. There's nothing to run too. Im already dead." Witt reaches out to touch him but once again yogi bats away the hand. He forgets the wraps and puts his shirt back on and gets up. He retrieves his lighter and lights a cigarette on his second try.

He breaths out the smoke and the worry with it. "I wont say anything. You shouldnt either. Let him keep wandering." Witt nods. "She safe?"

"I lost her so she is."

Yogi nods."keep it like that." And he leaves Witt to his thoughts.

#wcb #when color bleeds #story i wont write because i cant write #yogi #witt #warning for #blood #bruises #abuse #one day #one day i promise to write something happy #maybe one day

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mad-ncity · 6 years ago

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Perfect for You | Ghoul!Renjun

tokyo ghoul au :)

youve always been best friends with renjun

ever since you two were little youve been practically inseparable

his family were the peaceful type of ghouls

they never hunted…only got food when it was already prewrapped

but somehow renjun has kept it a secret from you

cant say there havent been moments when he thought he was caught though

and you cant say you arent suspicious

but if he is actually a ghoul and keeping it a secret from you you can understand why and will gladly wait until hes ready to tell you

you two were now in high school together and lets just say that renjun has harbored feelings for you for a while

but he cant tell you that

one: because it could mess up your guys’ friendship

two: because he feels like he should tell you what he is before taking that next step

three: reason number two would absolutely mess up your friendship if number one didnt

for gods sake his kind eats people like you

but you also liked renjun

and you didnt see why you shouldnt just tell him

because you were sure that even if he rejected you you two could still be friends

it would take more than rejection to end many years of friendship

so as you two were walking home together one day you brought it up

“hey renjun could we stop for a moment”

he stopped and turned to look at you “yeah sure whats up y/n?”

you made sure to make eye contact with him “for a while ive wanted to say this and ive finally gathered the courage to say it”

you take a deep breath and grabbed his hand

“renjun i love you. i love the way you ruffle my hair, how you always yell ‘dog!’ when you see one, and how you always walk me home even though your house is before mine”

hes silent and avoiding eye contact with you and you take this as a sign of rejection

but hes actually having internal conflict right now

does he tell you?

“its okay if you dont feel the same i understand”

a few tears prick the corners of your eyes but you give him your best smile

“um i think i forgot something at school so you can just go home. bye renjun see you tomorrow! ill text you when i get home!”

renjun just stood there clenching his fists and grinding his teeth as you ran away

why did he have to be a ghoul

why couldnt he a be human so that he didnt have to worry about this

he made his way home slowly but surely still thinking about you

he tried to take his mind off of you by doing his homework and it works

when he gets it done he looks out the window and sees that its dark out

and then he looks at his phone

no text from you

you should be home by now

renjun calls your phone and theres no answer

he knows theres something wrong

you always pick up your phone whenever you go out for a walk because its not safe on the streets

he rushes out of his house and heads towards your school because thats the last known place you were at

hes running with everything hes got looking down every alley to see if youre in one of them

suddenly as hes running past one alley he hears something or rather someone

he walks down it and sees you slumped down against a wall panting and when you look at him he can see the fear in your eyes

he bends down to your level and puts a hand on your shoulder “y/n what happened?”

“i-i saw a ghoul eating and i gasped when i saw them and then they whipped their head at me and grinned at me and started to walk to me so i ran”

you were crying at this point

he let out a deep breath and wipped your tears away

“y/n lets get you home”

he helps you up and when you two start to head out of the alley a figure steps out in front of the exit

“ahh heres where you went. you cant escape me babe i can smell your sweet blood anywhere”

renjun pushed you behind him “y/n theres something you need to know about me”

he isnt looking at you while hes talking though hes keeping his eyes on the ghoul in front of him thats slowly making their way towards you two

“renjun i hardly think this is a good time to make a big revealing monologue”

youre squeezing his shoulders so tight out of pure fear right now and he can feel you slightly shaking

“no i need to say this y/n im-“

“oh my god will you two shut up now give me that precious little thing behind you or ill take them by force”

the ghouls kagune is out now and is running at you two

renjun pushed you back and released his kagune

the two of them fought until it was just renjun standing

he was panting from the fight and was bleeding in many places but he didnt care

he turned around and rushed towards where you were at

before you could say anything renjun grabbed your hands with a slight tremble in him

“y/n im a ghoul. thats why i was so hesitant to accept your feelings because even though i return them i didnt want to lose you because of what i am”

you placed a hand on his face and rubbed your thumb over a cut on his cheek thats already healing

“renjun you idiot ill love you no matter what you are because that doesnt define you. you define yourself and the renjun i know is smart, caring, a little insecure but has an open heart. im not scared of you so please dont be scared of me and what i might think of you”

you closed the gap between the two of you and kissed him

he swiftly moved one hand behind your neck and the other around your waist

when you both pulled away for air renjun smiled at you

“why are you so perfect?”

you chuckled a bit “im not perfect…far from it actually but maybe im perfect for you”

#nct #nct scenarios #nct dream #renjun #huang renjun #nct renjun scenarios

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astrologicalsstuff · 2 years ago

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Not trying to call you out or anything like that but you shouldnt just drop something like that about the 12th house yes it’s hard but it can also be some of the best experiences in your life 12th house synastry is like seeing behind whatever walls people put up for better or worse. Sometimes u can see more than what you even know about yourself which everyone should explore. All my close friends have 12th house synastry with me I have no Pisces placements or planets in the 12th house. Me and one of my friends even say all the time that we are dating and it’s been the healthiest relationship either of us have had. It depends on how comfortable YOU are with someone knowing you completely. This works best for water signs in the 12th house. Probably not scorpio tho because that would indicate an agitated subconscious that may be triggering to bring up. Unless u have planets there because then your finding someone who reaches you in your trauma. 12th house synastry is like knowing the deepest parts of someone, yes some people will use that against you, but it’s not all bad. Best placements are probably (and I won’t say fs cause I haven’t experienced all of them) Pisces 12th, cancer 12th, Sagittarius 12th, hardest might be aries scorpio Virgo. Do SOME SOUL searching it’s not all bad. Also don’t expect to understand 12th house synastry your experience with it will be solely determined by how comfortable you are with a lack of boundaries.

Side note: I think all ur other comments are spot on I’ve been with a Gemini Venus and he was 10 years older than me (Virgo Venus) .

Good work on ur post I just hate that everyone bashes 12th house it’s actually one of the most important ones.

ASTRO PT.5

-Don't even dare to pair up with people who have placements in your 12th house unless if you have natal placements in 12th house.

-Your 8th house reveals about your death. I have aries in 8th house and it could mean that my death may be brutal due to an accident/a fire/a blow to my head. Or at least I can bleed before I die. Since aries rules head, blood, fire and brutal accidents. If your 8th house is in scorpio, you can die mysteriously or under suspicious circumstances. 8th house in pisces means that you can die in your sleep, your death could be mystical, beside the sea. Your death can also be emotional.

-Sun in 3rd house people, have you ever considered a career in sport? Cuz you should. My brother has this placement and he wants to be the next Kylian Mbappé loll

-Leo moon people are even more attracted to spotlight than leo sun/rising people. Actually, i strongly disagree with people who say that "leo suns" always want to be at the center of the world/ on spotlight. All leo suns i know are shy but this observation is accurate for other leo placements.

-Bullies i've known were either aries sun or taurus sun (don't attack me, i don't say that they are all the same. That's just for fun).

-My least favourite placements in a natal chart are 6th house placements. I have my uranus in 6th house and i hate this.

-My father is an asshole, the worst father and husband that a person may have in his/her life. He's an aquarius with a sagittarius stellium. I think i've said enough.

-My best friend has a libra stellium in 4th house and all she talks about is her father, her family (she has her sun in libra at 28°) but the most important thing is that she's a compulsive shopper. She spends all her money on perfumes, clothes and shoes and she is never satisfied with what she buys so she never wears them.That's just so accurate.

-I have a special method for people who want to know the letters that are in the first name of their soulmate/spouse. Dm for a spouse reading!!!

-Venus in virgo/capricorn men=Being attracted to older/stable and brunette women btw they definietely have a type. I didn't mention taurus cuz i think for once he is different from other earth signs.

-Conversely, venus in Gemini and Leo tend to be attracted by immature, unstable and blonde girls.

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bonbonswirl-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Broken

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. Because there is a character that we dont have any kind of idea about them, i will just go by 'another person' without any names or features, just a person XD i made this while having cold so it may seem a little off, try to enjoy Xd

11 pm

Behind a bar.

Thats what the letter said. Eyes lingered over the lines before the letter was lifted down to show the view of a big bar, was that really the place he was meant to visit? Only one way to find out. He entered the bar, rough paintwork that coats the door and push, shards of black paint crumble to the floor. The bar curved into a room, dark in the barely lit place, through the windows the diamonds of lead panes trickles the sallow light of street lamps. The hinges squeal as though they are a warning, but their plea is silenced by a wall of noise. Laughter overpowers the jukebox. Conversations swirl in a dirty cloud of smoke, the stagnant stench of cigarettes hides within the collaboration of mephitic odours. A sharp smell of drink wafts towards him, like black plumes bellowing from the windows of a burning house. There is even a hint of sick tainting the fragrance of the room.

He looked up and down, right and left, He cant find the sender of the letter, wait...Of course he wont! the letter said to meet Behind a bar! Now have he to find where is the back door that leads to outside. It took him long enought till he found it. trying the door knob, the heavy iron bound door swung open, revealing a wide area enclosed by a flimsy hain-link fence. The unrelenting darkness took over everthing, plucked the stars and anything that can glow, burying them beneath the sky. The air had thickened, the temperature dropped and nowhere was there a comforting sound. Trash cans leaning on the bar cracked walls, ground covered in dusty powder, what looked like a streetlight, which was the only one that isnt fully broken, flickered, casting an errie smudgy beam onto that black place. That wasnt really the...best place you could invite someone to meet you in...It was all quiet and derelict. He had the enough courgage to step forawrd, walking unusually slow, he had an odd gait, It was slightly lurching as he went, trudging along at a sedate pace. His head right and left, searching for who he was supposed to meet with, his mind focused on finding a sign of someone in this hopeless space rather than the footsteps that seemed to echo throughout the desolate yard, why didnt he just call the name to hear a respone? Maybe because it doesnt sound like a good idea to do so in this haunted place. Yet still, he kept finding his eyes diverting to something each moment he heard a low simple sound, darting to locate the source. Thats until, under those overwhelmed black shadows, and after a short stroll, he found who he was looking for, standing there uncommonly, under another bulb that lacks illumination. His boyfriend clicking his feet to the land underneath, probably out of pateince. Finally, harry found him! Walking towards his direction smiling. "Hey babe!" "harry..." "oh boy! why you gotta choose this place for a meeting? We could have gone inside the bar as usual, right?" Harry was still confused beind the sudden call at this late hour, but he didnt care. "Tonight we...not gonna drink at the bar." "uh, ok? So, why did you send this letter today? What are we going to do?" He pulled it from his pocket to show the proof. "Harry we....we need to talk." Not like this startled harry a lot, but it wasnt in an ordinary tone. "Sure! Talk away!" His boyfriend spoke with his head to the dusty ground. "You see...how both of us go together to do anything. to walk together, to talk to each other everyday, to work and help each other when in any of us in trouble, it was all nice werent it?" The sudden mention of their sweet times together was also strange. "Of course! And im glad I do all of these thing with you!" "and this is what I wanted to talk about tonight harry..." the fletcher paid his attention, waiting for his darling to start the conservation, he doesnt need to consider bad possibilties, instead he was a bit happy inside, what if those mentions were to remind the other of their constant affectionate attachment and celebrate 'something' together? That would be a lovely thing! It was tenser than a tiger who stalks a prey while harry lover peers his way to him, face resolutely unimpressed. "I think this..... relationship needs to...needs to....needs to end." Harry stopped like he had taken a bullet to the guts. The words fell on him like a storm. The cold air hitting his face.

"...What?......" He may just heard it wrong, he hoped he really did, he wished he did and this is not what his love just stated, doubt was filling him. "We need to end this harry." His boyfriend repeated, affirming his recent words. No, his hearing was right, thats what he just said... "What....W-What do you mean?!?" "What do you think I mean?" His lover raised his eyes to meet harry ones, so he would know he isnt just messing around. It took harry a while to speak again. "You dont really mean this..." "Do I look like I am joking?!?" Harry looked downward briefly. "but...But....I...I thought we loved each other..." "You Are Right!! LOVE'D'!! Its all from the past harry!!" Why would he say such a thing...his mind cycles through emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels, he was broken. Harry couldnt accpet what is taking place, but what else is there to do? "dear you...I dont think you are in your right mind tonight..." "No!! YOU Are Not In Your Right Mind Harry!!! Didnt You See It?! This ISNT Working!!! It Never Did!! Now Go Away!!" "Wha-" "Go Away!!!" his words and his anger cut too deep that harry couldnt change the image of him. When he met his gaze his was just the same. "No" "Why Dont You Get It?! Go Away!!" "No I wont! you need to go back to your sanity!!" "Im In My Full Sanity! Just Go Away!!" "Not Until I know Whats Wrong!" "I Said GO AWAY YOU GARBAGE!!!!" Rising his fist, his hand swinging out connecting to harry face in a flash of pain. Although not on his back, harry toke a few steps back from the impact. Bewildered, pressing a pale hand to his cheeks trying to comprehend the previous seconds. Did..Did his..Did his boyfriend for the first time just....punched him?!

"You......." "I told you to go away." " I DONT UNDERSRAND YOU! WHY?! DID YOU CALL ME OUT TO THE BAR AT 11 PM JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME?!" "yes, I Cannot keep this up any longer Harry, I needed to do it now." "Im Not Breaking Up With You Until You Tell Me The Reason!" "look At Me In The Eyes And Say You Still Dont Know The Reason!! I Dont Even Know What Got Me To Agree To Be With You!" With each little word... a piece of harry heart broke. "...how could you say this...what happened that changed you?...." "Changed Me?! YOU Changed Man!! I Kept Being Myself and Been Who I am While Keeping Our Connections Stable!! I Did Everything With And For You!! Even In Stupidest Things! And I Shouldnt Have!" "But Bab-" "I Hate You!!" "No-" "I Always Did! And I knew One day you willl hate me too!" Thats wrong. They both loved each other, they said it and showed it, all of these are just words from anger...so why all this nonsense about love and hate? Where had he gone wrong? Since when did this love turn to poison? He doesnt know what had climbed inside His beloved and turned him mad. "Stop!! YOU Need To Calm Down!" "NO!! And For The Last Time Go Away!!" "Not Until I know The Reason!!" "No You Wont Know Now Go Away" "I Already Said Not Until I know What Happened!!" "GO AWAY!" "NO!" "You Gave Me No Other Choice!!" Without thinking, harry boyfriend turned around to grab something from a near shelf. It was revealed to be a small bucket. However, when harry figured out the kind of liquid thats inside it, the intended message was already enforced, and he lost what little colour he had, starting to freak out.

"Dont you dare....." "Oh I will! I will throw all this bucket content at Your Face If You dont leave Me!!!!" The other man couldnt believe this..his lover cant do that...yes he may be out of his mind right now, but he will never have the nerve to throw some unknown chemicals straightly on his face, it was just an empty threat to leave. and all he could do was to stare lifelessly at the eyes that held that bucket and a terrifying coldness he had never seen before. He had always thought those eyes were like a gem, but looking at them now he could see no trace of the vibrancy they once held, no trace of the boy he once knew. "Darlin-" "DONT CALL ME DARLING ANYMORE!!" There was stillness on both sides, faces unreadable. "Please be back to yourself..." "Leave Me Alone! "Please!" "Your Last chance Harry....GO AWAY" "PLEASE!!" "THATS IT!" That was when the cold man lost it altogether, and the unexpected happened. In an immediate movment he launched forward, tossing all the liquid inside the bucket in an aim to harry head, although it wasnt a full success, he did strike a part of his face. Harry swore he could had saw some good memories flashing before his eyes. And whatever that scorching substance was, when it fell Againist Harry face.

He Howled

It Was Hell.

The pain had no culture, no pity, no mind, yet it consumed whatever it pleases. Its only criteria is if it can take it and reduce it to something molten and foul, paroxysm of agony triggered a guttural cry from the fluter. His hands clawed over his burning face, brutally gashed. Solvent swirls on it without any mercy, penetrating to the cells that should be protected by smooth skin but lie open. Surge of torments spirals all over him. Violent shaking forced through his whole body, with no assume of stopping. Monstrous chill continued running down his spine and made his ghostly skin crawl. Muscles going to giving up. The worst of the blood had spelled, ran freely in thick scarlet rivers amongst his whole face, staining his hair, matting them together before it soaked into his cloths and the floor. From a clear distance outside, it was like a high barking that carried well through walls and air. Lungs have no choice but to painfully and rigidly take in the chilled air around for a living breathe until they couldnt anymore. He have cried and screamed, maybe not evident, nevertheless it was as if he was calling for a help, but there was no help to come, perhaphs the strength in his voice perished. His breath taken away every second, he was in his greatest neccisity of taking an inhale.

Thats until he decided to surrender to the torturing and sink into the unfolded darkness.

He was in a heavy black cloud. Nothing to see, Nothing to hear, Nothing to feel, Just this heaviness in his whole body. He couldnt remember how to open his eyes, but when he did, he scrunched the opened one at the bright light that was sipping through his closed eyelid, in struggle he slowly opened it, desperately squinting in attempt to sharpen the blurred images before him. Pungent smell of hospital disinfect invading his nostrils. The room was silent apart from the beep beep sound you often hear in hospitals that indicates youre alive and Quiet talking. He started to sense something, or rather a material, soft but elastic tightening around his whole sore face, from chin to forehead, even one of his eyes were covered, it was very aching. When the sight of his survived eye arised, he perceived Someone bending over him, face watching his. What harry never toke notice of is that they are holding his weak hand, and that they have little tears in their eyes. The features were not clear, but it can be marked that they have a light brown hair and wearing something..blue? Harry attempted hardly to recognize who is this, but he coudnt with this wounded brain, then he heard the familiar word that assisted in that. "...Brother..." Harry tried to remember how to talk. No words came, he blinked trying to force his memory to recall the owner of this soft voice with broken tone. He was out of ability to even clear his throat. He tried to answer, to say something, but all what came out was a tiny whisper. "...augh....ma....rley?..." The other man wrapped his arms around the injured one shoulders and pulled him close, hugging him gently to not provoke the burn. "shhhhh...save your strength brother...it will be alright..." Marley had a hard time hiding his sniffs, but harry havent got enought focus to realize. His sibling tenderly patting his hand, giving a queit moment for the victim to adapt to the consciousness. Harry lie still, slowly started blinking, he wanted to see whats around him. But he cant lift anything off this deep pillow. He used the very bare left of his capability to move some little angles right and left for learing about his new surroundings. Glancing around the bright white coloured bedroom. He catched sight of someone wearing the same color for a coat, staring at him from the door. He strain to hear and makes sense of it all. No idea. Where is he and why? How long had he been here? He shut his eyes, trying to remember what had exactly occured. Then it all hits him with a bang, The memory of it all starts to occupy his thoughts, panicking he jolted up with rushing hands running at his bandages, making sure this is true, the wound hurting with every touch of his finger, he figured it all out.

He lived

He laid back in his bed, he felt powerless and heavier, Couldnt move his hands, head or bod, His eyes washed with the kind of emotion that only come when people break in ways with no way to be repaired. "Whoever did this bro...they are Not Getting Away With This!!!!" "Mr. Marley please calm down the patient is still in an unstable condition." Marley sighed, plummeting his head to the bed, holding his brother hand a bit tighter. "im sorry doctor...its just that..." He couldnt continue his sentence for some reason, instead he started a new one. "Harry...please get better...for your family...for your friends...for me...please..."

Harry spent the rest of his days in the hospital remaining still in the bed. His head eaither felt heavy or light. He lost the track of time and may needed somebody to tell him, but he never cared, he will let all the time pass without any hint of concern. He never felt that alone or empty before. Sometimes, he replay the events in his head and wonder what were the right words to say, what was it that could prevent everything, it wont change that he is all to blame. It might had been kinder to kill him than to constrain him with living beside this burn. Everytime he try to sleep and leave this living nightmare, he cant. He never had the enough hope to recover or be cured. He wont, he doesnt need, he already knows he will never get better, he will never be the same.

If only

if only...

If only he didnt go behind that bar at 11 pm.

#brueklynn #harry fletcher #marley meriweather

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