#we have a bpd and npd holder in front too

[nyctocollective]

the way our symptom holders work is kinda weird because like. for example, when our anxiety holders front, the body is immediately insanely more anxious? it's like them not fronting is how they hold the symptoms from the rest of us but the second they front, we're ALL screwed

[interstellarsystem]

Disorder Differences in Systemmates

Systemmates share the same brain, which often leads to the assumption that they're all affected the same by the brain itself. Its wiring, its abilities, and its disabilities. But symptom holders or those with intra-disorders are fairly common--at least in circles we run in--and they're not often talked about for fear of fakeclaiming or appearing ableist. We have headmates who are affected in all sorts of different ways by our disabilities. Some find things harder than others, while others actually find some tasks or symptoms easier to manage. It absolutely varies from headmate to headmate, which makes certain headmates better suited for fronting during certain times than others.

Merlin is more affected by our psychosis, particularly hallucinations, and xe tends to be more susceptible to paranoia. Mystery is a psychosis holder too, and has more positive symptoms like hallucinations than the rest of us, but is less affected negatively by it. It often hallucinates and falls into delusional thinking, but it's not really too bothered by it. So Mystery is a good choice for someone to front when we're having a psychotic episode. Sometimes, having Merlin cofront with Mystery makes it easier for Merlin to not be so susceptible to xyr symptoms.

I (Martin) have more obvious anxiety than the rest of us, and struggle much more in social situations. I'm much better at hyperfocusing on tasks, though. So I'm better suited for staying home and working on whatever the current project we have at the time, or keeping our to-do lists in check. Vince on the other hand is calm in most social situations that are more professional--so he's good for business meetings and such. In more casual conversation though, Vena and Merlin are much better at it and better suited to non-professional social groups.

Vince is an intra-NPD holder and also holds stronger symptoms of our BPD. He struggles immensely with percieved rejection, much more than the rest of us. But he also almost completely lacks empathy, which makes it much easier for him to be calm and logical in stressful situations. He finds it easier to help friends and those he cares about during stressful times because he's not weighed down by feeling their emotions--whereas the rest of us might break down from stress.

We talk a bit about mental disability differences in headmates more than those who differ physically. Somehow it seems more controvertial to mention that we have headmates that differ with physical symptoms while even in safe system spaces. It seems like most people (us somewhat included) mainly think of symptom holders as a mental disorder thing--a line of thinking we're trying to dispel. Headmates can have different disabilities and symptoms of all kinds, and it's not ableist or "harmful" to know that and speak about it. Headmates with different conditions to the body need to be recognised more.

Mike needed a cane in his memories and he absolutely needs our cane when he fronts more than the rest of us. He feels more at home and like himself having a cane by his side here, though, so it's good we already had one. I (Martin) need it more too--my joints are just more prone to pain. But our cane folds up nicely into our bag, so if we switch out in public, it's always with us just in case. Even if it's silly, we feel safer having a cane too--I mean, it's a metal pole. We're out as trans and clearly not your Regular Society Member, so it provides some feeling of safety to have.

Jayfeather was blind before, and since coming here he sure can see now, but he's much more light sensitive than the rest of us. The feeling of being able to see was nice at first, even if it was foreign, but sometimes he feels it's not worth the hassle. He needs to wear sunglasses when fronting because his eyes just end up hurting from even small amounts of light. Crowley is the same, except he wasn't blind in his memories--he just got used to always wearing sunglasses in his life to hide how his eyes looked, and needs them here now. They're both more prone to migraines due to this.

Merlin is more shaky on his feet than others who front often. His legs are digitigrade and in headspace he has his wings and tail to balance him there--but in the body, he doesn't have any of that. His legs are the wrong shape and he has no counterweight to his posture. Even with our cane, he's more prone to tripping than most.

Mystery was a godlike being that didn't need to eat human food, or any physical food at all. It often forgets that eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom are things the body needs to do, because it doesn't often feel the need to do them. That can be good if we're running low on food, or if we can't eat for a while such as before a medical procedure though, so it's useful in its own way. Mystery is also not used to using its hands for intricate things like tying shoelaces, as it's hands before we're longer, bigger, and mainly nonphysical. It didn't need to be intricate, so it's hard for it to do things others in here can.

There's so many more examples in our system. The thing is, there can be positives and negatives to any disorder, really--and headmates are no different with that. We don't necessarily assign headmates "roles" or "jobs" based on their symptoms or lack thereof, but for us to function better as a collective, people tend to gravitate toward doing certain things they know others can't. It's important for us to know how we differ with our disabilities, and work around them together as best we can.

Systemmates with different symptoms aren't uncommon, and they're not mocking disabled people, or lying for some benefit. I'd argue that for some systems with symptom holders or intra-disorder holders, it's increcibly important to know about how you differ and how to work together to be functional--whatever functional means for you.

[n1ghtm3ds]

SO apparently my old diagnosis of DDNOES isnt used anymore and I would be considered OSDD so I just thought that I (we?) would say a little hello to the community.  I AM professionally diagnosed and my new therapist thinks it might help me a little bit to actually acknowledge my alters instead of my last therapists advice which was not to give in to it.  

Sarah is my adult fronter (Im 30 but I feel like shes more 21-25 which is around the age i detransitioned).  She is very sexual, likes to dress in lingerie (specifically babydoll style), the only one in the system who responds positively to male sexual attention, the only one in the system who masterbates (sorry if that is TMI).  She is also the only one in the system with the ability to do makeup.  She loves VC Andrews and poetry and fancy smelling soap.  Her favorite music is stuff like Xiu Xiu, The Mountain Goats, radiohead, Nicole Dollanganger, Ginger Bronson, and Hole.  She does non-contact online sex work and is a bit of a compulsive spender.   She collects Precious Moments figurines. We are all autistic but Sarah is the highest functioning.  Sarah is recovering from EDNOES/Bulimia/Atypical Anorexia.  She likes benzos, opiates, and ecstasy and is my most social alter.  She has a slight southern accent.

My second alter is Syd.  Syd identifies as male and is roughly 15 years old.  He likes rough sex, is a recovering cutter, is an insufferable edgelord who is fascinated by gore and autistically into horror.  He holds most of my wrath toward the world.  He’s my second most common fronting alter.  He likes MCR, The Used, Smashing Pumpkins, and Three Days Grace.  He loves to read splatterpunk and transgressive fiction.  He is a reckless drug user and will get high on anything from benadryl to cough medication to the air in the whipped cream can and is a compulsive stoner.  His preferred high is psychedelic.  He prefers the company of other boys and doesnt have a lot in common with most girls.  He is very dysphoric about his chest and the most likely to get caught up in drama and discourse because he doesnt separate negative and positive attention.  He collects horror merch.  He has the most severe case of BPD and NPD out of the system members and also has the most noticeable tic (sharply exhaling through the nose).  He uses a lot of slang circa-2011 and has the strongest eastern accent out of the three.

My most common fronting alter and also my lowest functioning is Ash, my “little” (age 2-5).  She loves to color, likes early Melanie Martinez, collects squishmellows, and is terrified of “mushy” textures.  She is very emotionally dependent on our partner and gets severe separation anxiety.  She is the most capable of caring for children out of the three because she understands their needs, being a child herself.  She is a severe trauma holder with CPTSD and often nonverbal.  She is completely asexual and terrified of male attention.  She is friendly to everybody to a fault and easily manipulated by false kindness.  She is the only one in the system without body dysmorphia.  She likes weed because it makes the overstimulation calm down a little bit and did NOT like acid when i did it while she was fronting.  She is obsessed with receiving praise from authority.  She enjoys more lighthearted media like comedy and eats too much candy.  She has a higher pitched voice than the other two.  

I sometimes dissociate to a robot/void state when overstimulated but I slip between alters with little to no interruption or chunks of missing time (well that may or may not be true i have a very bad memory) and have some control over “who” is fronting its not completely involuntary (like i can push Syd and Sarah down if they try to front at work) but my therapist was pretty confident in the diagnosis.  So thats pretty much it, Im open to more questions if anybody has any but that is pretty much “us”.