#we do actually love the bentley

[jac-is-procrastinating-again]

Chapter 5: Crowley gets very drunk, meets friends, and gets a very old letter which does not cheer him up ONE BIT.

Author's note; honestly i have no willpower today I may cave and publish all the way to 7 which is where things really start kicking off. We shall see....

= = = = =

Somewhere in Oxfordshire

The Bentley had been driving round for some time, but towards evening, its path had taken it off the motorways and onto smaller roads with more bends. Crowley stared out of the window. In the gathering darkness, the moon was rising and as ever he strained to see the stars. But snake eyes were not designed to let in that distant ethereal beauty. For the last six thousand years, he had had to content himself with the knowledge that they were there. That, and just the faintest traces of their song that drifted down to him sometimes, if he really listened. 

“He had a book printed for me once, you know,” he told the Bentley. “In the Nineties. He said it was a special date. Fifty years since our successful magic trick. It had pictures in it of every star I’ve ever made—or at least the ones these people have seen. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been possible to get pictures of them from here without a miracle or two.” He sighed, and suddenly was angry. “This planet is a black hole without him! How far away do I have to go to not feel it?”

The car obligingly shifted gear but he shook his head, his temper deflating as quickly as it had flared. “Don’t bother. I already know the answer, and so do you.”

The car pulled over and parked, and the door flipped open. He grabbed his hip flask from the ever-resourceful glove compartment and got out, moving round to lean on the bonnet. He stared out at the peaceful evening from the top of the little hill on which the car had chosen to stop. 

If the angel had been here, they’d lean on the car side by side; maybe share the excellent Talisker in the flask. They’d argue over whether it aged better in oak-smoked casks or brandy ones or some other such nonsense; Aziraphale would tell him how much that exact shade of golden yellow hanging over the horizon reminded him of some obscure painting he’d seen in a French gallery in 1647, and he’d have snorted at the idea that even an angel could possibly remember a colour that precisely. 

Then, once Aziraphale was all flustered and just verging on the huffy, Crowley would have laughed and suggested they drop into some great little restaurant or other on the way home, where he’d have sat nursing a red wine and enjoying his friend’s pleasure at the food, which was always inexplicably excellent when the pair of them dropped in somewhere. He smiled, wondering if Aziraphale had ever noticed that. Probably not; the angel could be as innocent as a child.

The little streak of yellow paint caught his eye and he paused to run a finger over it as if it would help the desolation in his heart. Yellow. His car was not yellow. Except…

The car nudged him gently.

“Fine. You’re our car, I accept. But I hope you can still feel the angel somewhere because I can’t.” The Bentley sagged on its wheels, and he patted the bonnet, took a long swig from the flask.

 ~

“Crowley?” The voice that inserted itself into Crowley’s thudding brain the next morning was familiar, feminine and more than a little puzzled. As he opened his eyes and tried to straighten the cramps out of his spine, she continued, “Where’s Aziraphale? You haven’t left him in a bush or something, have you?” 

= = = =

rest on ao3 here;

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[vidavalor]

I don't think that The Kiss is the big reveal in The Final 15.

Neither is Aziraphale getting into the lift/elevator.

The very last thing we hear-- Tori Amos' cover of "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square"-- being the song Crowley hears in The Bentley?

That's actually the biggest thing in 2.06.

It's arguably one of the biggest reveals in the series to date. How so?

Because this moment canonizes that "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" is not only a song that the show chose to play over the end of S1 for only the audience to hear... it is, indisputably, Crowley and Aziraphale's song.

This moment says that they have a song.

This moment says that their song contains lyrics about being "so in love" that "the whole world seemed upside down."

This moment says, without any doubt, that they're already a couple.

It exists in a way that completely undercuts any idea that the kiss that occurred a few moments prior was their first one-- even as the story is also designed in such a way as to lead some viewers to think that it might be.

This moment takes the heavily-evidenced-but-still-kinda-theoretical and makes it clear to the audience that they were correct about what they put together about Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship to this song in S1.

It says that when we heard the pianist in The Ritz scene in 1.06 playing an instrumental version of this song? As we suspected, it wasn't a coincidence. As of 2.06, we can go ahead and see that bit of S1 for what it was-- that she was playing it because Crowley and Aziraphale had requested it, wanting to hear their song.

It says that those of us whose ideas that this song might have meaning to Crowley and Aziraphale based off of Aziraphale's "dine at The Ritz" in 1967 and the song containing the lyrics about angels dining at The Ritz, along with how much of a relationship conversation 1967 is, were correct.

It says that Crowley and Aziraphale have a song. A romantic one, with unambiguous lyrics about being in love. A song they already had prior to S1 because they requested it at The Ritz in the S1 finale. A song they already had prior to 1967, when Aziraphale was using its lyrics as shorthand between them.

In S1, Tori Amos' cover of their song was used non-diegetically over the end of the season-- meaning, only we could hear it. The characters could not. Clues existed that the song had meaning to them but we didn't have overt proof of that in S1.

We do now.

We do as of the end of S2, where the same cover of the song was used diegetically. It's now one that Crowley can hear as well as we can, as The Bentley plays it for him. Likely because Aziraphale asked it to. It now exists within the characters' story-- not just as music playing for our benefit over their story.

I think that this ten or so seconds of the song playing when Crowley gets into The Bentley are given to us so we can reframe our ideas of what is going on-- especially what was happening in The Kiss scene-- around this knowledge.

Like most of Good Omens' important things, it's a narrative magic trick. It's information relevant to what came before it that is only received later. Its existence then changes the context of the prior scenes and recontextualizes our understanding of what we were watching.

Right now, the audience is looking mostly here:

And, if they're not, they're looking over here:

And there's certainly much to look at in those both of those moments, for sure, but... the actual last moment of S2 is the big thing. It's the one that says that this isn't a story about a couple that has never gotten together; this is a story about a forbidden, secret romance.

They're a couple who has spent their existence pretending they're not one-- not to one another but to the world. The last few years? Not really, as Crowley said... but, also, not really openly, either. There's a South Downs Cottage with their name on it in The Finale, though...

[actual-changeling]

we do not talk enough about the moment right before crowley puts his sunglasses back on. the "nothing lasts forever" is devastating and if you're like me your eyes were so full of tears you couldn't see the screen the first time you watched it (just like crowley, look at us all twinning in sadness!).

there is a shift that happens in his eyes and i think it is absolutely fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time.

we begin with crowley averting his gaze from aziraphale's face and staring off into the distance instead, and you can see his spirit break. that crowley just lost the one thing in the world he cannot live without and we can see it written across his face like a neon sign.

then, as you'd expect, he gives into the need to cover up his pain, to try and make himself less vulnerable, and even before he lifts his glasses he looks down so aziraphale can no longer see his eyes.

now, the next part is what would not let me out of its grasp all day. we know it happens because of his demeanour afterwards and up until the kiss, but you can actually watch as crowley makes himself numb to the world.

i am intimately familiar with dissociation as a trauma and stress response, and while you can never fully control it, you do eventually find the switch in your mind that makes you snap back into the haze. crowley has had six thousand years to get really, really good at leaving reality behind when he needs and/or wants to.

that's exactly what he does.

he still looks sad, and yet there's just something distinctly distant in his eyes, the shift from openly heartbroken to "i don't want to feel any of this let me leave".

glasses? on

emotions? off

hotel? trivago

i have stared at those four frames more than any person probably should and i don't know if it's the light, if i am going insane, or if there is a single tear sliding out of his right (our left) eye. i'm probably insane and the light is a bitch so if anyone has some high resolution shots or anything that could answer that question without a doubt PLEASE do add it.

by now you are probably ready to threaten me with a knife in a dark alley but before you do that or drive your car off a cliff, let me tell you the best part:

aziraphale notices.

they might be communicating on two different frequencies but aziraphale knows crowley. he knows and loves him, and, most importantly, over the last few years he has gotten used to seeing crowley without his glasses. aziraphale could probably write a book on the expressions in his eyes alone and watches that shift happen and is devastated.

look.

he tries to make himself hope the same second, tries to convince himself crowley is putting on his glasses so they can leave together, but he knows.

aziraphale sees the light leave crowley's eyes, sees crowley leave, knowing that he is quite literally running away from him. you and me against the world, angel, but in that moment crowley firmly pushes him back to "the world" (or tries to, anyway).

the entire season we see crowley take off his glasses whenever he enters the bookshop to the point where he's running around without them on in broad daylight with jimbriel right there.

can you imagine how hurt and confused aziraphale must be?

because what crowley is telling him, if we really, really break it down, is that aziraphale is no longer a safe person for him. and repairing that trust is going to take time and work, no matter how much crowley loves him, how badly they love and need each other.

anyway to seal this off and really rub in the pain - how it started vs. how it ended. <3

oh one last thing: now crowley no longer has a single person he can be himself around, no one that knows him, no one he trusts. no one in whose presence he can take his glasses off.

and outside of the bentley and his own flat, he no longer has a place to do so either. the bookshop was theirs. with aziraphale gone, is it really a safe place anymore? is it somewhere he can just let himself be knowing he will be looked after and protected?

easy answer: no.

alright, off i go. see y'all on the next angst post or in the tags.

[charlotteharlatan]

Hey guys. Here’s some (maybe) hope if you need some.

****SPOILERS BELOW*****

The Bentley plays almost exclusively Queen when Crowley is in the car; this happens regardless of what Crowley would actually like to be listening to. Even when he puts other cassette tapes in, they morph into Queen in a matter of hours if not minutes, like we saw with “I’m in Love with My Car” in S1.

But as we saw on Aziraphale’s little solo road trip this season, the Bentley is much more amenable to the angel’s musical requests.

So it’s very unusual that “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square” plays on the stereo right after Crowley brought up the song during their last conversation. It’s the absolute last thing Crowley would *want* to hear at that moment, and there’s a second where he seems to sit and process the fact that it’s playing, before he turns it off without much fuss. If it just happened to be playing, I think Crowley’s reaction would have been much more dramatic.

Which is why I think Aziraphale was responsible for it. I think he was actually under duress - others have already pointed out how threatening and manipulative the Metatron actually is, how much danger his presence means to Crowley and Aziraphale. How it’s possible this was a hostage situation and Crowley didn’t even realize it because Aziraphale was protecting him.

But if Aziraphale was trying to get a message across to Crowley without tipping off the Metatron, this was actually a brilliant way do it. It’s a message only Crowley would understand.

He may have been saying, “I’m still on our side.”

[aziraphales-library]

I'm dying to read Aziraphale annoying Crowley by being the cutest and one flustered demon being unable to help himself being so disgustingly in love with the angel 🥹🥹🥹 can you rec me some? pretty please 🍪💕

I just found this blog now by posting over at reddit: "Are there any fics where Crowley's deeply annoyed by Aziraphale's antics because he's so gd cute he wants to disintegrate? I'd read the hell out of it. Very canon. 😻" Lol. I'm willing to write something like this.... I actually might but wanna read it too 🥹🥹🥹

I know there's lots of these out there. This fandom is the most talented and plentiful I've ever seen :333

Thanks in advance xx

We have a #flustered crowley tag with loads of fics, so check that out. Here are more to add to the collection...

No sunglasses in the bookshop by ineffablegold (G)

The angel’s hands very briefly (but very surely) brushed on Crowley’s chest while he moved and spoke and wriggled oh so endearingly, right over his black shirt and the fallen angel could swear he saw stars again, like before the Beginning and like a flash there they were: nebulas all around him danced and exploded with colours. Crowley inhaled sharply and simply agreed with Aziraphale, no matter on what, he didn’t remember anyway. They’d be fine.

A Moonlit Masquerade by charlieiswritingthings (G)

“Say… How about we give dancing a try? After all, that’s one of the most important things about a masquerade, is it not?” Aziraphale tilts his head a bit, towards the direction of the dancers. His smile falters slightly when he hears what Crowley says next. “I don’t do dancing, Angel. You know that.” Crowley speaks with slight… almost annoyance, very obviously against the idea. Though, Aziraphale hasn’t given up quite yet. “Now, now. That simply won’t do. Let’s go have some fun together, shall we?” Aziraphale stands up, taking Crowley’s hand in his own as he begins walking in the direction of the dancefloor. A defeated sigh is heard coming from Crowley, and he’s forced to abandon his nearly finished glass of wine on the table.

Voicemails (from a Petty Demon) by sugardustedtulips (T)

“That’s it,” Crowley growled, taking large, bold strides toward the yellow Bentley in front of him, leaving the poor cherub blankly standing behind, ostensibly stunned. “What’s what?” Aziraphale asked, hoping he didn’t mean that he’d drive off without him. Surely Crowley wouldn’t be that petty. “I’m not talking to you for the rest of the day,” Crowley whispered matter-of-factly, hissing each sibilant as he punctuated his sentence by theatrically swinging open the car door.

Aziraphale makes the Bentley yellow. Furious, Crowley resorts to giving him the silent treatment. Of course, he misses the angel too much, and can’t help bombarding him with voicemails while locked in their bedroom.

A Midsummer Afternoon's Curse by cyankelpie (G)

(Aziraphale is the victim of a love spell, and needs Crowley’s help to break it. Which is a problem, because it’s very difficult for Crowley to focus while Aziraphale lavishes him with affection.) The rest of the sentence got knocked out of him by a large, off-white blur that flew out of the door and tackled him. “Crowley,” said a familiar voice, though the breathy fondness and affection in said voice was anything but familiar. “I knew you’d come.” Oh. It was Crowley. Crowley was the target of Aziraphale’s magical infatuation. Aziraphale wanted Crowley’s help ridding him of this newfound affection for Crowley. And Crowley, who somehow needed to be the level-headed one in this situation, was utterly fucked.

You Don't Need A Licence For That by WaitingToBeBroken (M)

Crowley works for the city council and is responsible for issuing licences and permits. Aziraphale seems to be hoarding them. Crowley should really reject some of those applications. And he will, once he is done pining over Aziraphale. Really, he will!

- Mod D

[halemerry]

Been thinking too much about Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy. Just the fact the only proper Queen song we got all season was that song is still haunting me. Like, we got so much Queen season 1 and, while Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death works as a venue to still give us various songs, the only one actually sung by them - the only one the Bentley actually plays - is that one. The ultimate Good Omens Song.

And I can’t stop thinking about the lines they used and the ones they avoided because like. Most of what they give us of the song is actually the guitar without lyrics. Which just makes the lyrics we do get seem very specific and intentional and I just. It opens with the lines Hey boy where did you get it from? Hey boy where did you go? I learned my passion from the good old fashioned school of lover boys. The fact that's the first beat that hits? Knowing how the season ends? They're trying to kill me with that.

Then it skips the line about the Ritz - one of their happy end symbols - and jumps right to Driving back in style, in my salon, will do quite- and cuts off before it can finish the line. It cuts right before the word nicely which just feels very Crowley in itself. And right before the line Just take me back to yours, that will be fine which is the opposite of how this season ends.

And. Anddd. The beat before the song cuts in feels very apt given our ending too.

When I'm not with you, think of me always. (I miss those long hot summer nights) I miss you. When I'm not with you, think of me always - Love you, love you.

It's just truly the perfect choice here.

[ineffablyruined]

Chekhov's Contract

Back again for Day 3 of the Nice and Accurate Prophecies event.

How Will Our Hero Cope?

Today, we let's talk about Crowley. Within the span of a few hours, Crowley has gone to Heaven and learned of another plotted End of the World, watched the closest thing he has to an archnemesis (Gabriel) run off with his demon love of a meager four years and suffer no consequences for it, and left his heart shattered on the floor of the bookshop as the love of his life chooses a job promotion over him. He's not doing great. So what is in store for Crowley in Season 3?

It's honestly hard to predict because there is just so much open space to play with. He could do anything and not one of us would be surprised.

Sleep for a century? There's precedent. Get extremely drunk for weeks on end? That's on brand. Go tit for tat and take a leadership position in Hell just to cancel out Aziraphale in Heaven? Seems unlikely, but I also wouldn't be surprised at that level of petty lashing out.

But I did find one thing. At least, I think I did.

There was, I have now convinced myself, a Chekhov's Gun in Season 2 that I haven't seen anyone talking about. (Apologies if you're out there screaming and I just haven't seen it. I did try searching!)

When Beelzebub kidnaps Crowley from the Bentley and takes him to Hell to discuss the Gabriel situation, they make an offer to Crowley that Crowley later accepts. And what is that?

Find Gabriel for me and you can have whatever your nasty little heart desires.

And what does Crowley do in Episode 6? Finds the writing on the box that tells everyone Gabriel is in the fly. He finds Gabriel for Beelzebub.

Just to emphasize that again - Crowley fulfills his side of a verbal contract forged with the Grand Duke of Hell.

He's now owed whatever his heart desires. And as we've seen, Heaven and Hell operate like businesses. Contracts must be fulfilled. (Excuse me while my little lawyer-nerd heart sings over here.)

And we also know that he's aware that Heaven has plans for Armageddon 2.0.

Where he would absolutely deserve to wallow after all the utter bullshit drama he's gone through, I don't believe that's Crowley (no matter how much fun it makes to write in fanfiction). Crowley isn't just going to sit back and watch the world burn.

In the past, when Crowley has wanted to run away, it's only ever been with Aziraphale. Sure, he threatens he's going to head to Alpha Centauri even when Actually rejects the offer, but he doesn't do it.

And now? Running away with Aziraphale isn't an option because he's gone.

Crowley has nothing left to lose. So he's going to throw his entire self into saving the world, with reckless disregard for his own safety.

And he's going to have a blank check from Hell to do it.

[starks-kid]

okay, so here's my good omens season 3 bingo, but its a list cause it was too long (and very chaotic):

1) aziraphale's statue on earth

2) Queen's 'love of my life' at any point

3) crowley's fall flashback as the first scene

4) shades of gray

5) toast 'to us'

6) 'do that again'

7) AZIRAPHALE DANCING THE I WAS WRONG DANCE

8) and flashbacks from his previous dances (1650, 1793, 1941)

9) and an actual apology with actually saying 'i am sorry'

10) aziraphale finally going with a worse insult than 'bad angels' (BONUS POINTS IF IN FRONT OF CROWLEY!)

11) muriel with wings, cause i think it would be adorable <3

12) god's narration is back. and her somehow intervining/talking with aziraphale or crowley

13) will we finally get aziraphale calling crowley "my dear"?!? just so sweetly and tenderly that everyone will melt

14) picnic in a garden ("it stars, as it will end, with a garden")

14) NO BEARD AZIRAPHALE

15) azira reading documents on crowley in heaven

17) there's not enough time, but newt and anathema returning would be awesome

18) 'look at you, youre gorgeous' but to azira this time

19) an agressive 'i love you' from crowley

20) long hair crowleyyyy

21) that 1941 photo

22) third part of the 1941 minisode

23) aziraphale's diary

24) rooftop scene from s2 intro

25) flashback with azira and crowley fem presenting (but for hells sake, not with different actors!)

26) more of crowley and muriel interactions. i love these two so muchhh

27) paralell to the conversation about making nina and maggie fall in love

28) them kissing to "a nightingale sang in berkeley square", more specifically to:

'And as we kissed and said goodnight

A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square'

PLEASE. THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CLOSING SCENE

29) muriel wearing their own human outfit

30) crowley (drunkenly) crying in the bookshop. or in the bentley

im really hoping at least some of these will happen. anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings

[most-normal-eccles-cake-ignorer]

Good Omens: Lockdown and Crowley not mentioning his living situation in S2*

*till S2E6 when he asks if he can have his apartment back bc he's bored of living in his car but Aziraphale doesn’t hear bc mentally he’s in Alpha Centauri.

Having read the 'Crowley doesn't tell him' Neil Gaiman ask close to when I first listened to Lockdown (I lived under a rock until recently), my initial thought was HAS HE BEEN LIVING IN HIS CAR FOR YEARS?! but I think he was still in his apartment in 2020:

as far as Hell knows, Crowley just had a pool party in holy water (the holiest) so the higher-ups are probably willing to give him some space (plus Beelzebub is busy going on pub dates w Gabriel)

while there should be ~8 months between the end of Season 1 events (The Very First Day of the Rest of Their Lives on Sunday, Aug 25, 2019) and the Lockdown phonecall (on or near the 30 year anniversary on May 1, 2020), I can't imagine that's a very long time for Hell, especially if you're understaffed and busy dealing with fallout from Almostgeddon / going on pub dates

Shax dropping off mail and asking about the boiler seems like something one does in the first few months of living somewhere, not ~3 years in (if S2 is in 2023)

That said, I think the phone call underlines why Crowley never directly tells Aziraphale that he is living in the Bentley in S2, and it's just a great conversation (all hail Gaiman) sooo I wrote about it:

***Note: This post analyzes the Lockdown phonecall from Crowley's perspective only. Our heroine is feeling quite emotionally vulnerable at this point in time so things are going to hit him harder than they normally would.

I do not think Aziraphale meant to cause him pain (!!) but Crowley can't see that yet and I've written this post in a way that reflects that missing insight. (I explain in more detail in this reblog if you are interested) I am working on a companion post for Aziraphale's side of this conversation and how I think it affects his behavior in S2 because if we know anything about these two, it's that their exactlys are different exactlys.***

Crowley’s habit of sleeping to skip time like an RPG character by a campfire amuses me to no end, but in this context it feels heavy. Crowley already worries about losing time with what he loves and he probably hoped things would be different between him and Aziraphale after the events of S1. But things don’t change much. Then lockdowns start, and Crowley is trapped in his apartment alone, transcendentally bored, and unable to make his brain shut up. Sleeping a month away starts to sound less awful.

But Crowley hasn’t given up yet; he’s still awake when Aziraphale calls, and he’s even giving it two more days. Was he waiting for Aziraphale to call? Is it even possible not to at least kind of wait for someone’s call when you are cut off from everything and the caller has been your only friend and crush for millennia?

Aziraphale asks why Crowley isn't "out and about" tempting people or setting a bad example and he responds:

C: Everyone's so miserable and cooped up right now anyway, and I just… well… don't have the heart for it. A: *glowing audibly* I'm not miserable~ C: Really?

Crowley sounds genuinely surprised at Aziraphale's happiness and quickly assumes it's because the angel has been around people. He's so lonely/depressed/in his own head that he hadn't even considered someone enjoying being 'cooped up'. *sob*

Aziraphale goes No actually I put the closed sign up in the window and I'm having the Time of My Life, never had so few customers, not in 200 years!, etc. Although, he says:

A: …There were a few young lads a couple of nights ago who broke in through the back and tried to steal the cashbox! But they soon saw the error of their ways~ C: *clearly amused* Did you smite them with your wroth? A: Well I certainly gave them a good talking to, and I sent each of them home with cake~ C: *annoyed, swooning* Cake? A: Quite a lot of cake, actually. C: *physically ill from having such a giant crush on this dumbass baker/security guard* eeeekkkgghhh I'm gonna regret asking but.. ...rrgh.. *30 seconds of Aziraphale joyfully describing his baking while Crowley probably tries very hard not to imagine the angel eating each item in sensual slow motion* I stg you can hear him struggling in the background once or twice

A: …And once I've baked them, I have to eat them all myself, which was why I was so delighted— C: To send your burglars home laden with baked goods, yes, nnyeaayeah I follow…

Crowley interrupts, finishing Aziraphale's sentence in his nervous hurry to say the next bit:

C: *loud inhale* You know, I could.. hunker down at your place. … Slither over and watch you eat cake. I could bring a bottle--a case of… something… drinkable…?

He's trying to sound so casual about it but this is someone who was rejected/abandoned by actual literal God after asking what he thought were welcome, uncontroversial questions. Asking makes him vulnerable. He's supposed to be the rescuer, not a demon in distress. He does not feel casual about asking.

Crowley knows it's unlikely but he's so miserable and desperate for company that he can't help but ask, just in case. Even the smallest chance of spending time trapped indoors with Aziraphale—with nothing to do but drink, watch him eat, and talk about things they'd normally avoid—is too tempting.

A: *panicking* Oh I— I— I— I— I'm afraid that would be Breaking All The Rules! *nervous breathing* Out of the question! I'll see you… when this is over. C: Right. gnnehh. I'm setting the alarm clock for July. Good night, angel. *dial tone*

And just like that, Crowley doesn't need two days to decide. The depression nap doubles in length. He doesn't hear how badly Aziraphale wants to say yes behind the fear, or maybe he does and it hurts worse because why isn't Crowley enough for him? You can almost hear the spiralling:

SHOCKING, asking made it worse. It always does doesn’t it? Why even bother? you just embarrass yourself.. SLITHER over? why did I say that *grumble grumble* of COURSE His Holy Holiness, your only friend in the universe, would rather eat cake by himself while everything goes to shit than ~deign~ to have you in his presence. "AsK aND yE sHaLl ReCeIvE" bugger this for a lark im going to bed

(a bit dramatic but we've all been there)

I imagine sleep doesn't come right away. Maybe his thoughts drift to when he sat beside the angel at a dark Tadfield bus stop after a rather eventful Saturday. Crowley must've felt a tiny bit hopeful when he invited Aziraphale to stay with him: Heaven had withdrawn its favor and the bookshop was gone; Aziraphale was like him now. Didn't that mean things would change?

"I don't think my side would like that." Apparently not.

In the end, Aziraphale did ride the bus back to Crowley's apartment and stayed till the next morning when he caught a cab, but only to sell the illusion. Crowley understood that as far as sides went, the angel was still on Heaven's, even if Heaven wasn't on his.

And now this: the entire world is shut down; there is nothing for Aziraphale to do but stay in and read and bake in his magically reconstituted bookshop and he still won't invite Crowley in. Burglars and un-fallen angels only—nobody who asks questions.

So... of course Crowley doesn't tell Aziraphale when he loses his apartment. He already knows what answer he would get; the angel has told him so many times. Aziraphale is a company man first, a companion to one very sad owl when convenient.

If Crowley works up the courage to say 'please take me in, I have nowhere else to go' and Aziraphale goes 'sorry, no, far too political, but I WILL risk being erased from the Book of Life to protect this nude amnesiac former coworker who always hated me,' it's going to be too much. You can't sleep long enough for that type of hurt to go away. Better not to say anything.

"Then nothing has to change, does it?"

[highlandwhackamole]

A Grand(ish) Theory of What the Heck

I love the utterly unhinged, super detailed theories about what's going on in Good Omens, especially in season 2. I hope one or more of them turn out to be true, as some kind of glorious puzzle-box-hidden-code monstrosity. And also I think that there has to be a simpler explanation for things, for the people who are at least Somewhat Normal (tm) about this show. (... I assume such people do exist somewhere...) This is what I have been pondering recently.

The thing that started me thinking about this was this post, containing some promotional materials for season 2 that feature main characters with scenes in their heads. Like this:

Seeing this created a very similar situation in my own head, but with a nice shiny lightbulb.

All the weirdness: the car, the sideburns, the clock, the behavior of the folks of Soho, the vanishing storefront signs. The absence of God. I think this is all because everything we see is in their heads.

I don't mean it's made up. At least not entirely. Memory is already a plot point. Why not explore it on a deeper level? I've read theories emphasizing the minisodes' stories being retold by Aziraphale and Crowley. I think the whole season is like that.

You know that sort of conventional-wisdom-fact-concept that you can only dream faces of people you've seen before (or variations therein), because your brain can't make new faces up? So it just fills in what it thinks is close enough? I think that idea, applied to remembering or recollecting things, could explain so many things that are wonky in this show.

Wonky Things

Crowley parking in an impossible London location? He definitely remembers it was in London, so his brain just stuck some obvious London landmarks in there.

Awkward clattering happening when Crowley throws the stacks of books he's inexplicably carrying around the bookshop? He wouldn't actually throw Aziraphale's books! But he'd like to think he's cool and nonchalant enough to do that, and if he did it would definitely make Some Kind of Noise.

Jim walking toward the bookshop from somewhere mysterious? Maggie and Nina saw him first, and he came from that direction, so he must've walked all that way. They don't know about the elevator in the Donkey.

Aziraphale remembers tartan hills and the Loch Ness monster because he was having a jolly time driving through Scotland, so obviously the scenery must've been whimsical Scottish things.

Nina put the Honolulu roast sign up, so she remembers its presence, but perhaps the occult/ethereal visitors to her shop do not.

Maggie really did text Aziraphale about the rent, but a note through the mail slot is a much more dignified way for a scholarly angel to imagine he received a message.

On the Fallibility of Recall

This season is loaded with unrealistic inclusions. The colors are turned up to 11. Some of the scenes are more caricature than believable interaction. Remembering things never copies or reproduces them with what one might call high fidelity.

Scenes recalled by separate memories will inherently vary. One person's hefty jigger might be another person's dash. Who knows for sure where the sun was that day? You and I might recall an event having different lighting or a different color palette, sort of like viewing something with different lens filters.

According to Neil, Crowley is an unreliable narrator of the story of his Fall. He labels the variations in clock times as a continuity error in a show where Everything Is Meant, but he doesn't say whose continuity error it is. He insists that the Bentley is the same through the whole season; maybe it was the same, but remembered differently. Maybe this is part of why there's more CGI but it's harder to spot.

So What?

Is this all there is to it? I sure hope not. I like my Good Omens with enough layers to put to shame an onion wrapped in a cake and covered in a parfait.

Is this possibly the fancy footwork that's distracting from the real magic trick? I wouldn't put it past Our Gaiman. There are a lot of things one could hide in the narrative of unreliable memory.

Is this going to stop me from rewatching and repondering and remaking theories for the next couple years? Not even at gunpoint.

[raz-writes-the-thing]

Better Hurry

Crowley x Fem!Reader18+ ONLY / requests are: open and encouraged

Summary: Based on no. 22 from this prompt list: “if i have to pull over, you won’t be able to walk for a week.”

CW: blowjobs, oral (m receiving), dom!Crowley, slight force used, female reader

Gomens Tag List: @coffee-and-red-lipstick @quickslvxrr (send an ask to be added to a tag list!)

___ ___ ___ ___ ___

You’re playing with fire. You know that. Or, well, would it be Hellfire? Either way, you’re playing with it and fire, no matter what kind- always burns. You should know better by now, and yet, you never seem to take the lessons on and retain them. No matter, maybe you’ll take it to heart next time. 

Probably not. 

Crowley is driving you home after having spent all day in the bookshop with him and Aziraphale. They’d said you should stay for the night, but you had a cat at home that needed feeding. You were worried she might just take you out as soon as you opened the door, actually. Maybe you’d send Crowley in first. Invite him in under the pretense of a coffee and then leave him to the mercy of your cat. 

Currently, you have your hand splayed over Crowley’s denim-clad thigh. You’d laid it there innocently enough at first, but as your mind tended to do, it strayed. Innocent thigh touching had grown into absent-minded stroking, had turned into groping, had turned into your fingers delicately sliding up towards his crotch and squeezing.

 

“If I have to pull over, you won’t be able to walk for a week,” the Demon growls, eyes glinting dangerously at you from behind his shades. You smother a grin as best you can, and give him another firm squeeze, loving the way you can feel him thickening under your hand. “Then again, that’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Your half-smothered smile drips into a confused little frown. 

“What do you mean, love?” 

“I mean- you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Bet that was your plan. Get me all worked up just so I’d fill that pretty cunt with my cum?” 

You can't help the way your thighs rub together at the thought. Crowley tuts knowingly, taking one hand off the wheel to reach down and unbutton his jeans. You move your hand out of the way, watching hungrily, but when he doesn’t pull the car over, your frown deepens. 

“Mm- right- you’re so desperate for it, Pet? Go on, put my cock in that pretty mouth.” 

You bite your lip, undoing your seatbelt and twisting in the seat so you could lean over properly. You take the base of him in one hand, and press a soft kiss to the tip. Crowley grunts, cock twitching in your fist. 

“You little tease,” he grinds out, fingers tightening on the wheel of the Bentley. You chuckle airily and swirl your tongue over the tip. Crowley sighs with pleasure and fights the urge to press your head down on him. 

Sensing his growing frustration, you open your mouth wide enough to fit him inside, swallowing him down one inch at a time. 

“Oh, Pet- fuck,” Crowley says blissfully. Your lips twitch with the hint of a smirk as you get him down to the back of your throat. What’s left of him sits in your fist. He’s too long to fit the whole way inside, unfortunately.

Hollowing your cheeks, you begin to bob your head, wrapping your lips around him so tight you can feel the thick vein on the underside of his cock on your bottom lip. The Demon groans, hand coming to wrap in your hair forcefully. 

“Maybe, if you’re- ngk- good- I’ll fuck you when we get back.” 

You whimper around him, the vibrations travelling up his nerves and causing him to white-knuckle the wheel. 

You flatten your tongue and slide it up the length of him before taking him back inside your mouth. He puts his foot on the gas pedal, revelling in the thrill of it. 

“Fuck, Pet- just like that, mm?” 

You pull out all the tricks in the book, all the things you know make him go crazy for you, and it doesn’t take long before he’s gripping fistfuls of your hair and bucking his hips up into your throat so he can spill his seed. 

“Fuck, swallow it,” he grunts, not letting his grip go on you. You do as you’re told, swallowing as best you can. He lets go and you come up for air, tears streaming down your cheeks and a flushed glow radiating from you. “Filthy thing, aren’t you?”

 

A little of his cum that you couldn’t swallow drips off your lower lip and you press forward to kiss him on the cheek. He smirks despite himself. 

“Naughty thing, too. Alright, tell you what, Pet- if you can make yourself finish on your pretty fingers by the time we get back, I’ll fuck you good and proper after.” 

You gasp, biting your lip. “And if I can’t?” 

“You’ll just have to go without then, won’t you.”

It’s not a question, but a statement. Your fingers trail down towards the apex of your thighs as he speeds up even further. You won’t have long. 

“Better hurry, Pet.”

[greenthena]

Why we won't have an Apology Dance in S3--or, why I'm choosing to start WW3

Much as I love the Apology Dance, I have a hunch that neither Crowley nor Aziraphale will perform it in S3. It's such a weird (affectionate) little mating ritual, and I cannot see it without thinking of David Attenborough's "Birds of Paradise" clip from Our Planet. (The little fuckers really get going around the 2:30 mark, if you're interested.)

S2 demonstrates so many of these bizarre little mating rituals. Specifically, I'm thinking about the "Don't hesitate to ask me if you have any questions" moment...

...I mean, Goddamn. Someone damn it. Aziraphale is about to climb that demon like a tree.

And the exchange about borrowing the Bentley...

...which is a battle lost before it's even begun because Aziraphale flashes those pretty eyes and Crowley's too smitten to really put up a fight.

Mah point is (dolphins). My point is that every aspect of their interaction, particularly in S2, is a dance, a courting practice, a mating ritual to which only these two weird (affectionate) little birds know the steps.

And the Apology Dance is one of the key steps in this ritual. We know how important it is because Aziraphale has memorized each year when he performed it for Crowley. 1650, 1793, 1941... And Crowley has now reciprocated. But for all the importance of the Apology Dance, we never hear an actual apology. The words, "I'm sorry" are never exchanged between the Ineffables.

Of course, Aziraphale has forgiven Crowley on multiple occasions (have a tissue), but the absolution is never in response to an apology.

Why does this matter, you ask? Because Crowley has never asked to be forgiven. It's one of his self-identifying traits.

And every time Aziraphale offers him forgiveness, it calls into question Crowley's whole identity. I think this is why Crowley initially refuses to do the dance. He doesn't "do the dance," because he doesn't apologize. Because what's the point? If you believe yourself to be beyond forgiveness, why even bother with an apology.

But that's not what's most interesting to me. See, outside of mending his relationship with Aziraphale, I don't think the demon could give a single fuck about forgiveness. On the cosmic level, it's just another carrot dangled by Heaven. The whole concept of forgiveness of sins demonstrates a pretty fucked up power differential. I mean, who gets to decide whether God has forgiven you when She's not even talking?

I think it's fascinating that despite their squabble, Crowley removes his glasses the moment he steps back into the bookshop, performing the Apology Dance in his "naked" face. It suggests that he knows before he even starts that everything is going to be okay. He can approach the situation in a state of vulnerability because he deeply trusts his angel. But the dance, the mating ritual, still has to be completed. It's similar to how Aziraphale knew Crowley would let him drive the Bentley, but they still had to negotiate their way through the motions.

We've called it the Apology Dance, despite the fact that no apology is offered and no forgiveness given. Remember, Aziraphale's response to Crowley's successful completion of the ritual is, "Very nice."

So here's the crux. All these rituals that they perform, the Ineffable dances, if you will, rely on one crucial element. The result of the ritual has to be established before the ritual has begun. They each have to enter the ritual in a state of vulnerability, knowing the outcome will be safe and satisfying. And I think that's why Aziraphale doesn't say, "I forgive you" after Crowley's elegant spin and bow.

Because forgiveness is something Aziraphale only offers the demon when he feels cornered, frightened and unsafe. Think about the two times he's said it. In both cases, the forgiveness was weaponized.

(Apology Dance incoming for this next gif.)

In a very real way, when Aziraphale forgives Crowley, he invalidates his best friend's lived experience. Crowley doesn't want to be forgiven. He wants to be accepted. Loved. Seen.

So as much fun as it is to speculate about who might dance for whom in S3, I truly hope neither angel nor demon apologize to the other. For me, the most meaningful conclusion would be for them to complete their mating ritual not with some dogmatic, pedantic, fucked up power differential where one forgives the other for perceived iniquities. Nah. Fuck that. I want them to accept and love and deeply see one another and fully embrace whatever that means.

Here. Have some tissues.

[vidavalor]

Why do you think Crowley didn't just get another apartment?

Hi! Thanks for the ask. I have French buttercream chocolate cake tonight. I know, right? It's amazing. *cuts you a slice*

To answer your question, I think we have to look at the whole thing with where Crowley parks The Bentley and when (in both seasons) and, also, the scenes that emphasize Crowley and Aziraphale avoiding being seen together anywhere in the mornings and what all this has to do with what he says is his living situation in S2.

Meta on Crowley "living in his car" in S2 under the cut.

For Crowley and Aziraphale, what has always been what *absolutely cannot happen* is Heaven/Hell figuring out that Crowley will stay in the bookshop until very, very late into the evening, as that is the one thing they'd have trouble justifying. If Crowley parked The Bentley in front of the bookshop in the afternoon/evening and it was still there at 7am the next morning, it would send a message to anyone watching that their relationship isn't just intelligence business, it's not just friendship...and it's not even really just sex. If Heaven/Hell saw The Bentley outside the bookshop all night often enough, they would assume that Crowley and Aziraphale are in a romantic relationship and this is the one thing that Crowley and Aziraphale do not want them to figure out. They can hatch a wild plan if they get caught to justify any of the rest of it and maybe get away with it but there's no way out if they get caught out being in love when they're supposed to be sworn enemies... so, if they want to spend time alone together in the privacy of the bookshop, how do they work around the problem of potentially being noticed? The show actually showed us subtly in S1 before a little more overtly in S2.

When Crowley is going to come over for awhile-- and especially when it's going to mean that he's there into the evening-- he doesn't park The Bentley in front of the bookshop. He parks it in the vicinity but not too close-- around where it was when Aziraphale called him in 2.01. Two or so minutes' drive out, on a side street. (A two minute drive is a 15 or so minute walk so not that far but a bit away.) If he's coming to the shop alone, he'll probably use the side entrance to the bookshop but if he's been out with Aziraphale-- like he was in their 'fuck everything, the world is ending' lunch at The Ritz in 2008-- they'll walk back to the bookshop. If anyone notices Crowley entering it, it'll be during the day, right? While not ideal, it's innocuous enough. Aziraphale's bookshop is theoretically a business and is also an angelic embassy and Aziraphale could say that he's trying to turn Crowley to the light and make him into an informant if they were caught. Conversely, it couldn't hurt Crowley-- whose job, like Aziraphale's, is to spy on his counterpart-- to seem like he's gaming the corruptible angel and getting intel to further the demonic goals of Hell so he could say he's luring the angel to trusting him. Being in the bookshop during the day, during what are (for normal businesses lol) business hours, when the business is also an embassy, is one thing. It's the evening that's the problem for them. At that time of day, the bookshop is nothing but Aziraphale's residence and Crowley's presence during those hours becomes much riskier. So, how to get around that?

Here's them walking back to the bookshop from wherever Crowley's parked The Bentley on a side street after lunch in 2008/Eleven Years Ago in S1:

During lunch in 2008, they already planned for Crowley to come back to the bookshop with Aziraphale and since there's no plan for him to leave in any hurry, Crowley is already not parked in front of the bookshop so no one can recognize his car there late at night. This is practiced between them; they've been doing it for awhile by this point. They still are in S2, when we have several scenes of Crowley in The Bentley parked on a side street near the bookshop.

Since Crowley can't be seen then leaving the bookshop once the sun is up or it'd defeat the purpose of the car not being parked in front of it, whenever he comes over, he leaves the bookshop through the side door at some ungodly pre-dawn hour, walks to his car a few streets over (apparating into it would be suspicious to anyone who might have found it so he usually walks, looking like he was just out late causing demonic trouble), and then, in the past, would drive back to his apartment in Mayfair. That way, when the sun came up, anyone who might be watching his place would see The Bentley parked in front of it. Didn't see Crowley leave the bookshop from the afternoon? You must have missed him in a crowd on the sidewalk somewhere because there's his gorgeous, old, very recognizable car, parked in front of his place in Mayfair, gleaming in that early morning sun.

No one was ever the wiser to the fact that on some of these nights, Crowley was not home in his apartment or out raising hell all night but was actually in the bookshop nearly until dawn.

Is it kind of miserable for Crowley to have to leave every time in the middle of the night and for him and Aziraphale to never really know what it's like to wake up together? To never get to have breakfast and mornings together? Of course. But it keeps them safe so they deal with it. As a result, though, they have a thing about mornings.

In 1.01, when Crowley calls Aziraphale in the middle of the night and they both have separately learned of Armageddon, he tells Aziraphale that they "need to talk" and then they both, without further discussion, are at their bench in St. James' Park the next day. During their talk, they decide to go to lunch and go directly there, which means that they met up sometime around 11am-12pm. So even Crowley calling in the middle of the night and setting up the meeting in the park with their code phrase means that the time of the meeting is always predetermined to be at least 11am, no matter what they need to discuss. Even after learning of Armageddon beginning, they waited until almost lunch the next day to meet up and talk about it because they never want to be seen in public together in the earlier mornings. They're afraid of someone seeing them going for a walk or getting a coffee together before midday and thinking they spent the previous night together. Crowley is always gone from the bookshop before the sun starts to come up and they never meet before 11am in an effort to keep anyone from figuring out that they are often in the bookshop-- and Aziraphale's bed-- together through the early morning hours.

Which tends to make this, their first time getting breakfast even if Crowley knew it wasn't really that because Aziraphale's "problem voice" was on, even more hilarious...

Crowley's like I left you blissed out and half-asleep in your bed *four hours ago*, angel... how on Earth is there a 'naked man friend' in your bookshop right now? He knows that Shax told him there's something going on and that Aziraphale called with a problem but this is the only time of day they usually spend apart and they always do so if Aziraphale is going to cheat on him-- which he's not lol-- this is when he would and based on the fact that Aziraphale panics at Crowley thinking there's another guy in the bookshop and based on Crowley's wtf? face at hearing there is, these two aren't sleeping with anyone else anymore and have a monogamous thing, even if they probably sort of forgot to have a discussion about it. Crowley can tell from Aziraphale's reaction that there's some misunderstanding here and then just gets bemused about it but also about ready to kill whatever guy, naked or not, is causing Aziraphale problems, only to find out that it's, well, the guy who tried to kill them.

In 2.01, when Gabriel makes his rather noticeable arrival on Aziraphale's doorstep, it is the mid-part of the morning-- probably somewhere around 9am as Maggie was just getting ready to open her store for the day, Nina was still busy but her more immediate pre-work coffee rush seemed to be winding down, and Aziraphale was having his breakfast tea on yet another day that his shop was not opening lol. The most major character to miss Gabriel's arrival is, of course, Crowley. Crowley's meeting with Shax is just before/happening in tandem with Aziraphale at Maggie's shop and then Gabriel's arrival and actually opens the storyline in the present in S2. The point is that Crowley misses Gabriel's arrival because he is not in the bookshop in the early mornings, which is then something that is heavily emphasized through Crowley and Aziraphale's first scene of the season via Nina to not just be about this particular early morning but all mornings.

When Aziraphale calls Crowley and has him meet him in Give Me Coffee, Nina has never met Crowley before. Give Me Coffee is fifteen steps across the street from the bookshop and sells coffee, tea and baked goods and Nina doesn't know Crowley. Nina has been there running it since post-S1. She knows Aziraphale though and, until the morning of 2.01, she thought the old bookseller a confirmed bachelor. In the span of 20 minutes, he gets a naked man possible deliveroo strippergram on his doorstep in front of the whole neighborhood and then then this other hot-- and surprisingly clothed-- Ginger Goth guy shows up to meet him for coffee. Nina's best guess for why the bookseller and his Crowley have never come across the street to her shop before and seem like they've literally never gotten breakfast together while they also "go way back" and have chemistry and affection for one another for days is that they're having an affair. Nina correctly guesses that their relationship is a secret and applies the most logical presumption that a human without knowledge of Heaven/Hell could-- that it's infidelity, not that they could be murdered if they were found out-- because these two live in London Soho in the year 2023 but are still afraid of being found out.

So, all of this shows how there's no Crowley in the bookshop in the morning. Neither of them have ever slipped across the street to bring back coffee and croissants for two at 7am or gone over to Nina's together. Aziraphale has been to Give Me Coffee alone before. Crowley and The Bentley are always nowhere to be found near the bookshop at this hour, which is how Crowley missed Gabriel's arrival.

So what does this all have to do with why Crowley doesn't just get a new apartment ahead of S2?

When Hell showed up in the form of Shax to reclaim the place in Mayfair in which Crowley was living, it really left Crowley with two choices. He wasn't about to tell Aziraphale because Aziraphale would feel like he had to ask him to move in with him for real and it was too dangerous. They can't have that so why bring it up and hurt them more? The two choices Crowley felt he had were to either get a new apartment or to just keep on as he's been living because the truth is... he hadn't been home to Mayfair that much lately anyway.

Before, Crowley and Aziraphale would try to go some amount of time between seeing each other but after S1, maybe with some exceptions around the Covid lockdowns but definitely not since they were lifted, they just stopped bothering that much. They were already together on borrowed time with no idea how much time they had until Armageddon: Round Two would start and they just wanted to be together so they kept up their whole routine of Crowley out before dawn and no mornings but Crowley had been more or less living in the bookshop for awhile ahead of S2.

As Aziraphale says here:

Meaning: they live together. Crowley's there all the time. Aziraphale does not mind. It's been months of Crowley in the bookshop every night. Aziraphale loves it. He hates him having to leave in the middle of the night as he always does but they've settled into a little domestic thing the best they can with the situation they have. The line is also laden with innuendo, suggesting they're not always just up talking and listening to old records until 4am but are regularly, ya know, setting off some alarm bells in Heaven together. (Couple Aziraphale's innuendo in the "plenty of use" scene with why Crowley says Muriel needs to leave the bookshop when he says he wants to take Aziraphale to breakfast at The Ritz. "We need a little 'us time'" meant all amnesiac angels and assorted representatives of Heaven and Hell need to get the Someplace out of this bookshop right now so I can finally watch that angel eat some pancakes and then take him to bed in our bed without worrying about someone needing a hot chocolate in the middle of the night.)

Their level of domesticity is actually shown to be pretty cute with this bit:

This is the most living together thing ever because it's saying that Crowley is just frequently in the bookshop while Aziraphale is out now. He's not even just there to see him but he spends time there alone while Aziraphale goes to the bank for change for the four books he sells a month and to his appointment with his barber and all his other little errands. You know Crowley likes waiting inside because he likes having a little time alone in a place where he's safe and won't be disturbed but also really the whole little domestic bliss of Aziraphale coming back and being all "Crowley? There you are" and showing him what he got at the shops and such. It's the most normal married thing imaginable and feels like they really live together and Crowley loves every minute of it.

So Hell taking his place in Mayfair back leaves Crowley with two options because it's still too risky for him and Aziraphale to just full on live together entirely: he can get a new apartment or he can basically just keep living with Aziraphale for most of the day and then spend the mornings in The Bentley/out.

If he gets a new apartment, he'd have to actually go there sometimes. He'd have to be seen moving his stuff into it and he'd have to get a new bed and he'd have to spend nights there sometimes to prove he's living there. It couldn't be suspiciously close to Aziraphale's place, so now he's got to drive more in the early morning hours. He's been spending so much time with Aziraphale, the thought of sleeping alone and spending the evenings alone again, even for a few nights now and then, is depressing. It was miserable before and now he can't to back to it again and he doesn't think Aziraphale would want to, either. He also doesn't exactly know how to tell him he'd have to be away some nights again without hurting him. They've both been alone more often than not for most of their existences and Crowley can't do it anymore. There's also, though, that getting another apartment also doesn't do much to help keep Heaven & Hell from thinking he and Aziraphale are involved... but pretending he's living in his car just might.

The only being of Heaven or Hell still talking to either him or Aziraphale is Shax and Crowley has to keep meeting up with her to get information on what's going on there and try to get a sense of how much time he and Aziraphale might have before Round Two. If he tells Shax that he's living in his car, then it makes him look less close to Aziraphale. Everyone knows Aziraphale has a private residence upstairs in the bookshop and that, if he and Crowley were really close, he'd have offered for Crowley to stay with him if he lost his apartment... so what if Crowley can make Heaven & Hell think they aren't that close, they just teamed up to stop Armageddon? He's even homeless now and the angel won't give him a place to stay. He tells Shax to tell Hell's Finance Office to send his bills to his car and Shax actually bought it and said she tried. Shax has been reporting back to Hell that Crowley is living in his car, which is what Crowley wanted her to think was the case.

Let Hell think they've won over him and taken his place and left him living in his car on a side street, let Shax keep meeting him in the early morning hours in his car on that side street... so that none of them figure out that he's actually living in the bookshop with Aziraphale.

In the meantime, no new apartment means no more nights away from Aziraphale. No commute back to it after picking up The Bentley on the side street means more time he can be with Aziraphale before he has to slip away in the early morning. He can just keep going from the bookshop to his car a few streets away each morning like he has been and that's the funniest part of it to him. Hell thinks they left him homeless and abandoned him and, really, they just made it easier for him to hide from them the fact that he's living with the angel he loves. All he has to do is bullshit them and he's good at that.

Crowley talking about living in his car is basically this in attitude, on steroids:

His pre-S2 conversations with Shax were like... Fuck, Shax, the crick in my neck from *sleeping in my car*... if Hell's Finance Office wants to find me, they can send the bills *to my car*... Bastard angel owns half of Soho, probably why I can't find a place... tell Lord Beezlebub if they're looking for me, they can go fuck themselves but if they absolutely have to contact me, they can find me *in my car*...

...and three hours or so earlier from every one of those conversations, Crowley was actually curled up in bed with Aziraphale in the bookshop.

[avocado-writing]

you could do crowley x reader

You're taking a ride in the Bentley with Crowley, the Reader is bored, you find yourself in a land of bawdy fantasy. Crowley gets you out of all this and knows your desires. Crowley has you right where he wants you.

notes: sorry if you didn’t want this to be so smutty. That’s how it turned out. pairing: Crowley/GN!Reader rated: E, minors dni

“If we’re going to drive through the countryside,” you tell Crowley, “you might as well slow down enough for us to actually appreciate it.”

Crowley mutters to himself and reluctantly drops out of fifth gear. The green blur outside separates into actual distinct trees, and you press up to the glass of the window to take in the beautiful outdoors. 

“Cows!” you announce to Crowley when you see a field full of them; the job of anyone in the front passenger seat. He manages a smile before you finally fully turn to him. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

“Crowley…”

“Look, I’m bored, that’s all. It’s just miles of nothing.”

“Well, I’m bored too,” you sigh, face back to the window. “Ooh, sheep.”

There’s silence for a moment. You go to fiddle with the radio but Crowley interrupts the silence. 

“You know, we’re alone on this road.”

“Yes…?”

“We could… well...”

It takes a moment to register as Crowley nods downwards, and then your eyebrows skyrocket. 

“Anthony J Crowley, are you asking me to give you road head?”

“I’m just saying it might be more interesting than pointing out every farmyard animal we drive past.”

You consider this for a moment. He’s not wrong, really. Plus you’re reasonably sure he won’t crash the Bentley if you do indulge, he’s far too precious over it for that. 

You look around, making sure you definitely are the only two people on the country path, and reach down to his fly. 

He’s already half-hard from the idea, and it only takes a couple of strokes to get him all the way there. For a moment you just do that, fucking him with your hand, long and languid, watching his face as you swipe your thumb over his head. You can see the way his jaw tightens as he feels you begin to tease him. 

“Come on, Crowley,” you mutter, voice honey-thick with sex, “let’s see those pretty eyes of yours.”

He takes a moment to flip his sunglasses up. His pupils are blown wide, only a sliver of yellow to be seen. 

“Good boy,” you whisper, before reaching down to put your mouth on him. 

Crowley has a lovely cock. Just the right size, slightly curved, and right now a ruddy red and dripping with precome. You take him down your throat in one movement and you feel him swerve the car just slightly as you hit his base. 

“Fuck,” he hisses. One of his hands comes to settle in your hair, but you gently pull off of him, spit dripping from his shaft. 

“Both hands on the wheel. Behave.”

He makes a whiny little noise but does as he’s told. His knuckles whiten as he grips the steering wheel, trying to keep calm at the feeling of your warm wet mouth bobbing up and down the length of him. You lick a stripe up the vein on the underside of his cock, toy with his slit using your tongue. The taste of salt floods you. You close your eyes and hum, enjoying the experience of making him lose his mind. 

“You asked for this,” you chuckle as you feel him squirm in his seat. 

“I forget how—ah!—good you are,” he manages through gritted teeth. His chest rises and falls with the effort of taking breaths he doesn’t need, but desperate to find a way to calm himself down. 

“Do you want to come in my mouth?”

Crowley grips the wheel so hard you hear a crack as it breaks. 

“Yes.”

You take him down once more and, when he hits the back of your throat, you feel him release in a thick jet. You stay put until he finishes panting, then sit back up and make a show of swallowing. 

“Still bored?” You ask wickedly. Crowley doesn’t reply, too busy trying to miracle the car back together. You go back to looking out the window. 

“Horses.”

Taglist: @angiestopit @dazed-soul @idontmeanto @smile-eywa @staygoldsquatchling02 @underratedboogeyman @specter-soltare @candlewitch-cryptic @cool-ontherun-world @emilynissangtr @willbedecided

[azirafuck]

GOS2 Spoilers Masterpost (ONLY EP. 1-2)

alright, you read the title, you know what's under here - gonna tag everyone who helped this if I know them, thanks to everyone for their contribution and for being agents of chaos the way satan intended. love you all

[Last update/edit: 24/07 - 14:10CET]

first of all, we got some amazing posts from @incorrectquoteswwdits mostly about the first scene in heaven with crowley as an angel:

angel!crowley creating stars and aziraphale thinking he's calling him beautiful

more on that

aziraphale's lies make the lesbians have problems, apparently

communist aziraphale be like OUR CAR

isolation and doubts

THEN we have a detailed recount of the first episode by a kind anon! again, thank you @incorrectquoteswwdits for sharing <3

@goodomens-hints posted a lenghty and detailed recount of the first episode as well with some little hits at future episodes (nothing too big on the post itself, but BE CAREFUL, the blog is actually posting some other spoilers from episodes past the second one!)

@goodomensjail gave us a detailed recount of the first scene, with angel!crowley starting to question stuff and eventually shielding aziraphale with his wing

@mikubinders gives us SOME GOOD GOURMET SHIT by telling us that:

"Beelzebub kidnaps and threatens Crowley, tells him that ze could put a price on his head but ze doesn't want to. After that Crowley comes back to the bookshop and Good-old-fashioned lover boy plays while he drives there. "I'm back" happens. Aziraphale makes Crowley do a silly little apology dance so he forgives him and so they work together"

after thinking this last spoiler was fake, an anon came through and confirmed its real! we also have new context! (sent by an anon to yours tuly)

anon came through with some details about the Everyday record, told us Queen is actually tied to CROWLEY and not to the Bentley, and gave us more context to the OUR CAR and OUR BOOKSHOP bit (sent by an anon to yours tuly)

as for what happens during the Job flashback, after which the sitting five feet apart on a rock in front of the sea happens, a bunch of different versions of what actually happens are going around. @thesherrinfordfacility kept up with the madness surrounding it, so im gonna post here the last two versions of events/details.

first one:

In the Job section, Aziraphale is questioning gods decision of punishing Job. Then u see him in heaven w Muriel here and they are looking thru a long scroll that has instructions from god and he's trying to make sense of it. Muriel is telling him that god and satan made a bet about what Job would do and that's why they are testing him. And az is like whatttt why would god do that that's mean!

When Az finds out they're going to kill Jobs kids, he goes down to Earth to save them while using his angel voice until he realizes he's speaking to Crowley. He sees Crowley about to enter the kids room and tells Crowley "I know you, you wouldn't do this" and Crowley tells him he doesn't know him really. (

AND TY TENNANT IS SASSY AND FLIRTS W AZ??!??!? (*) And THATS when crowley goes "well he seems nice" from the clip. He wasn't jealous tho, like he thought it was funny since they are literally there to supposedly kill these kids and one of them is flirting lol.

The moment of 'weird-beard Crowley' was actually more focused on azi and him questioning God. Crowley tempts Azi w food and u see him struggle but then he gobbled it down and he cries bc he thinks crowley is going to bring him to hell (that's the scene where they are sitting on that thing with the pretty horizon) Crowley tells him "you're just an angel who follows gods as will as much as he can" and Az says that sounds lonely, and Crowley agrees, which is a callback to when he asked Crowley if he was lonely being on what Crowley calls "his own side", and Crowley said no. Crowley then tells him "i'm a demon. I lied"

(*): it was told this isn't actually canon canon, it's up for interpretation - some reported Ty's character is just the classic bratty teenager UPDATE: NOPE anon cleared it up and apparently it DOES read as flirty because ty's character is a little bitch, love that for us

and then we have the second one:

"Episode 2 is half present day things [...], and half the Job story/flashback. Crowley is the demon sent by Satan to torment "God's favorite human" Job to see if Job will curse God, in one big bet between God and Satan. Aziraphale comes to try to stop him, discovers they recognize each other but haven't seen each other since "the flood" and that Crowley seems to have changed since the flood, because he is willing to sacrifice the goats, and ruin Job's house. Crowley says he "has a permit" to torment Job FROM GOD. Aziraphale brings this up to the archangels that gleefully explain that yes it's a bet with Satan and that Job will suffer, but he will get everything back 3-fold by the end. And he will get NEW children. This disturbs Aziraphale, he does not want the CURRENT children to die, he understands the familial love that the archangels do not. He goes to stop Crowley not with power since he has the permit but to reason with him. Aziraphale says things to the effect "I KNOW you don't want to harm them I KNOW you and you don't want to kill children" and Crowley is defiant, but then…. It is revealed that he never killed any of the goats either, he transformed them into pigeons to hide them. And he is hiding the children away in the basement but destroying the house to make it look like they died. He transforms the three kids into lizards to hide them, then when the Archangels descend to give Job his rewards and tell him his wife will bear 7 new children, Job and his wife are in despair because they love their children. Crowley comes in pretending to be a human doctor and he and Aziraphale LIE to the angels faces about how babies are made and trick the angels into thinking Jobs three original children are NEWLY BORN children. Which fools Gabriel, who has only ever seen God make Eve fully grown from Adam's ribs. Crowley then meets Aziraphale at the rock. Aziraphale is crying and says "im ready for you to take me to hell" because he has LIED to angels and foiled God's plans. Crowley is gentle and comforts him that he is still an angel and "I won't tell anyone if you won't" and they reminisce that it's lonely being a different kind of demon and a different kind of angel that sort of do what they feel is right. Heavily implying that they are the same and have each other now. The end of episode 2.

that's what's going around for now, but ill add stuff if we find anything new - also feel free to add to this yourself or send me stuff!