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raysrays · 8 months ago

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Crimson Guardian NSFW

Kyojuro Rengoku x Wife! Reader

18+ MDNI!🚫

CW: NSFW Content, minor angst, controlling/manipulating behavior, fluff-ish.

Y/N POV

Scenario : You've recently married into the respected Rengoku family, and while you continue your work as a demon slayer, life starts to get a bit messy. Balancing your duties becomes a real challenge as you navigate the challenges of married life. You find yourself having to make tough choices just to keep your husband happy, all while debating to stay true to yourself and your calling as a demon slayer.

Marriage. Truly one of the most beautiful milestones a couple can achieve. Marrying Kyojuro has undoubtedly been my greatest accomplishment.

I still remember it vividly, as if it were yesterday. Surrounded by friends, family, and core members, we pledged our lives to each other. Though it wasn't the most glamorous wedding ever seen, it was enough. Because really, all I've ever wanted was Kyojuro, and now, finally, I have him.

For the first few months, our marriage was nothing short of perfect. I moved into the Rengoku estate with Kyojuro's family, assisting Shenjuro with chores and gradually trying to get closer to Shinjuro. Though I'm not sure how successful I was.

It was only six months in that I realized being a demon slayer and a wife wasn't as easy as I thought.

Before our relationship, I was Kyojuro's Tsuguko. He was simply my mentor, and I trained hard under him to get myself where I am today. It was later down the road that we noticed each other's lingering gazes, the occasional flirting, and all the other subtle hints of wanting to be more.

Kyojuro was strong, and I knew he wanted a family, but I simply wasn't ready to give up training and my duties as a demon slayer just yet.

Every day, after helping out around the estate, I would hike over to HQ and pick up where I had left off the previous day, training until the late hours of the night. I would often come home exhausted, which usually caused Kyojuro to worry. As much as I reassured him, he never seemed fully convinced.

Now, here I was, sitting at the dinner table with Kyo across from me. It was a rare occasion for us to eat alone together like this. We made small talk about our day and training, and then he finally stopped eating and put his silverware down.

"Little Flame, I think it’s time we have a serious discussion about the way things have been as of late,” his usual happy smile seemed almost nervous.

I set my spoon down on my plate, giving him my full attention.

“Yes? What is it?”

“Sunflower, you have been working so hard as of late, and it’s quite admirable. I truly admire your dedication to the demon slayer corps and your training!”

“But…?” I ask, confused.

“But… since our marriage, I’ve found myself in constant worry over you. Every time you go on a mission without me, I have to painfully wait for your return. Not knowing whether or not you'd be injured or even-“

“Dead?” I finish.

I saw his body tense up at the word.

“Yes, my love. Dead. I cannot even bear the thought of you never returning to me. It pains me to my core,” he seemed so sad, so worried about me.

I know Kyojuro, I know he didn’t mean anything bad by what he was saying. However, I felt almost offended. He too was a slayer, a hashira. I also had to deal with the fear of him returning with serious injuries or even never returning at all.

Did he believe me to be incapable of protecting myself? He was the very one who trained me. Even though I knew Kyojuro was strong, much stronger than me, it just felt like he lacked faith in me.

“You don’t think I’m strong enough anymore? Do you think marriage has made me soft?” I realized I might have come off a little too harsh, but my emotions were getting the best of me.

His expression seemed surprised, but I could tell. While he may not have used those words, that was definitely the gist of it.

I watched him get up from his place at the table and walk over to me. He pulled my chair out from under the table, then grabbed my hands and kneeled down in front of me.

His big, bright eyes were now staring up at me.

“You are one of the strongest people I know, my love. I know how capable you are, but please remember…”

He brought my hands to his lips, kissing them softly.

“You are my wife before you are a demon slayer. I cannot risk sending you off only for you to never return.”

I could practically hear the desperation and love in his voice.

Kyojuro wasn’t someone who would usually discourage anyone from pursuing something they're passionate about. So if he was now, I knew that it’s something he’s been internally battling with for a while.

“What about you? Is it not the same? What about my worry? What if you never come home to me?” I could feel my face start to heat up. Everything he was saying seemed to come from genuine care, but it felt so hypocritical.

“I am a Hashira, my little flame. I have a certain responsibility you do not have to burden yourself with. I shall retire soon, in just a few years. So please…”

There’s no way he’d ask me-

“Please retire your sword, Y/N. Please stay home for me. Please allow my heart to rest easy knowing you'll be here waiting for me whenever I shall return,” his voice was pleading.

I felt so conflicted. I’d worked so hard. All of these years of training to hopefully become a high-ranking swordsman myself. However, at the same time, I never stopped to consider my romantic life and how being married would affect things.

We both sat there in silence for a few moments, and I finally rose up from the chair, pulling him up off his knees along with me.

I looked up at him, reaching my hand up to rest on his cheek.

“Kyojuro, you are the only one I would retire my sword for. So please promise me, promise me you will always come home to me. Until the day you yourself retire.”

“I promise you, Sunflower. As long as I know you are safe and waiting for me, there is no demon that could ever keep me away.”

I felt his hand on my lower back and the other holding up my chin.

We both leaned in, our lips meeting in a tender kiss.

This kiss started so gently, so lovingly at first. As we pulled away for just a moment, staring into each other’s eyes, we realized how long it had been since we really enjoyed each other’s company.

After that, the kiss only grew hotter and more passionate.

Kyojuro swept me off my feet and carried me straight to our shared room at the back of the estate, the most private spot. It seemed fitting for newlyweds, after all.

As he gently laid me back on the soft futon, I couldn't help but stay focused on him. Kyojuro was simply beautiful. His hair, his eyes, his body, everything about him looked like he was perfectly sculpted.

My admiration was interrupted as I felt him begin to kiss me again. One of his hands traveling to my breasts, gently squeezing it.

The other massaging my thigh.

I feel him pull away from me starting to kiss on my neck traveling all the way down to my chest.

Kyojuro had always known my weak points and how to make me say yes to his every request. He knew my body just as well as I did, and now he was taking full advantage of that knowledge.

I could feel him pressing against me as he moved his hand down my body, lightly touching me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me, wanting more.

Then I heard, Kyojuro's soft voice whisper these words, almost as a demand. "Enjoy this little flame, you've kept me waiting far too long.”

As soon as those words left his lips, I felt myself begin to relax. His movements were so gentle, so careful, so loving.

His fingers trailed down my sides, sending chills through my body. His hands went back up and caressed my neck, making me tremble. He kissed me once more, and I melted into him.

It was as if he had cast a spell over me, and all I could do was obey him. He was completely in control of me.

After a moment, I felt him move back down and remove my underwear, revealing my already wet entrance. His hand slid between my thighs, and I couldn't help but let out a moan as his finger slipped inside me. He was gentle at first, just barely grazing me, but it felt incredible.

"Is this okay?" he asked softly, his breath hot against my ear.

I nodded but I could tell that wasn’t enough for him.

“Use your words my love.” He demanded sweetly.

“Yes Kyo, it’s perfect.” I said, my voice trembling.

He leaned down and kissed my lips before pulling back again, smiling at me.

"I want to be inside of you," he whispered, his voice filled with desire.

"Please," I begged.

He removed his fingers, replacing them with his cock, his tip rubbing against my clit.

"Good girl," he whispered, thrusting into me.

I threw back my head, arching my back and digging my nails into his shoulders. His movements were slow and deep at first and then they became faster and harder, and soon my whole body began to shake. I couldn't stop the moans from escaping my lips, and I couldn't help but beg for more.

When he starts to speed up I know we are both about to reach our limit.

I feel his fingers interlock with mine and his lips pressing against mine again, but this time, he wasn’t just kissing me, he was also letting his teeth graze my bottom lip.

He was biting down hard enough to draw blood.

We were both so close and we were both trying to hold back but we couldn’t anymore. We were finally going to let ourselves release.

I was the first one to let myself go, arching my back as I moaned his name.

Then he followed not too far behind.

After he finishes, we just lay there for a bit catching our breath.

“I love you, Y/N,” he finally breathed out, turning his head to look at me.

I turned to face him as well. “I love you, Kyojuro.”

After that, the two of us drifted off in each other's arms for the rest of the night.

The next morning when I awoke, I was still trapped wrapped in Kyojuro's arms.

After a bit of struggling, I managed to maneuver my way out and make it to the kitchen.

There I saw Senjuro, who was already preparing breakfast for everyone.

“Good morning, Sen,” I greeted with a yawn.

“Oh, good morning, Y/N!”

“I'm almost finished with breakfast. Is my brother awake yet?”

“He should be awake soon. We both have to see Master Kagaya today,” I said, rubbing my eyes.

He stopped to turn and look at me.

“Did something bad happen?” he asked nervously.

Poor Senjuro always assumes the absolute worst in every situation. Well, I suppose in this case it’s somewhat understandable.

“No, Sen, nothing's wrong. Kyojuro and I are just going to inform Master Kagaya of my retirement. That’s all.”

He gave a puzzled look.

“Retirement? Why? Haven’t you been training for years to improve your sword skills to move up in the ranks?” he asked.

He was right. I know I shouldn’t go back on my word to Kyojuro, but I really was having second thoughts about my decision.

Senjuro could probably sense my doubt because his next response was:

"If this is something that you're not sure of, then you shouldn't do it. If you have doubts about this decision, then maybe you're not ready for retirement just yet."

His words really struck a chord with me.

Maybe he was right.

Before I could ponder that any further, Kyojuro had made his way into the kitchen.

"Good morning! How are my two favorite people doing?" he said cheerfully.

I smiled.

"Morning, Kyo. Did you sleep well?"

"I did, actually. Thank you, little flame," he walked over to me, giving me a kiss.

I could feel my chest tightening, nervous about what was to come.

The whole time at breakfast, I felt so spaced out. All I could hear was Kyojuro and Senjuro talking and the occasional grunt from Shinjuro drinking away at the table.

“Sunflower? Are you okay?”

I was snapped out of my daze by Kyojuro waving a hand in front of my face. All three of them were staring at me, kind of concerned.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.”

I shook my head a little and looked down at my plate. I felt bad for Senjuro going through all that trouble to cook, but I simply couldn’t eat right now.

After we finished breakfast, Kyojuro and I headed out.

The thought that this would be the last time wearing my uniform with my sword by my side was so weird and almost uncomfortable to me.

I knew that this day would come eventually, but I always hoped in the back of my mind that Kyojuro would be the one to retire before me.

I had been so focused on training and my duties as a demon slayer that it had never even occurred to me how my marriage would affect everything.

I was now a wife. My first priority should be the estate, and helping Shinjuro while he was in his state of grief, and being there for Senjuro as well.

It wouldn’t be right of me to go against my husband's wishes either. Especially after the intimate moment we shared. Right?

As we made it to HQ waiting to speak with the master I felt my heartbeat racing inside of me.

The room was quiet, I could feel Kyojuro’s eyes lingering on me but I couldn’t bring myself to face him right now.

Both mine and Kyojuro’s attention was shifted as we heard the door open and Master Kagaya entered the room.

"Rengoku, Y/N. It's a pleasure to see you both," Kagaya said, his face as warm as ever.

"It's wonderful to see you too, Master," I replied.

"So what brings you two here? It seems urgent, judging by the fact that you came in so early."

"It is very urgent," Kyojuro began.

He then proceeded to explain our conversation from the night before, and how I was considering retiring.

"Y/N, this is a big decision, and it's important that you feel comfortable and confident in it. Do you think you can fully retire, knowing you won't be able to assist the demon slayers as you are now?" Kagaya asked.

I looked at the master and then glanced at Kyojuro. He seemed so proud and happy that we were here. I could feel the warmth radiating from him.

But, I could also sense the worry in his expression. He was nervous, scared almost.

I couldn't do that to him.

"Master, I've spent most of my life training for the opportunity to become a hashira. To serve the demon slayer corps and protect those who cannot protect themselves. But...I'm no longer just a demon slayer. I'm also a wife, and as such, I think it's only right that I focus on that," I answered.

The room fell silent for a moment.

"If you truly feel this is the right choice, then we support you, Y/N," Kagaya finally spoke.

"Thank you, Master," I bowed.

"Thank you so much, Master! I will never

forget your kindness!" Kyojuro bowed as well.

The two of us left the room and started to head out.

As we exited, we ran into a few of the other Hashira, who asked us about what we had gone to see Master Kagaya about.

They too seemed surprised and a little concerned when Kyojuro explained to them that I would be retiring so soon.

I could tell some of their reactions to the news annoyed Kyojuro. Shinobu used the word “controlling,” and you could see his smile almost falter.

"Controlling" was never a word I would have used to describe my husband. He just loves me, right? He wants to protect me. There's no way my sweet and kind Kyo would ever do anything to control or manipulate me.

Right?

Part Two

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thatbitchery · 6 months ago

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As a woman I've been accused of being 'masc' for plenty things, my absolute favorite has been the fact that i refuse to play therapist or trauma dump to literally anyone,including my friends or family.

Ladies, they are right. Women are more predisposed to emotion than men are. I'm afraid they are right. This is an evolutionary biological truth that XX does make you emotionally based.

This is not a weakness. In fact in plenty ways this is an advantage. Presence of emotion is not lack of logic, the two are not opposing forces.

This could very well be your greatest weakness, if you let it.

Almost every single form of abuse is enhanced by emotion. The people that hurt you did so because you had emotion invested. Every single piece of pain you've felt has been because you had your feelings caught up. This is why Shera7 says if you start liking him, run. When feelings walk in success jump out of the window. Why ? Emotion is a lizard brain thing, it leaves you completely pre disposed to instinct, and instinct isn't about what's good for you it's about what's good for survival. We say turn your feelings off because your feelings are concerned with the most basic of survival instincts, not progress.

That being said,let's get back to where this post was headed to pre rant- you're not a therapist. Don't act like one. Your feminine urge to fix and nurture is meant for your children, my love. Children. It's a caregiver package kind of deal. Is it your child? Well- a child? No? Mind your business. Everyone below the age of 15 yes can tap into that therapist that's you but the rest? Especially men? No.

Heres the thing- sex is the least burdening thing m3n use women for. In fact in most cases you could get used by someone without them ever touching your skin, and you feel it. You feel when you're getting used. Whether it is for your softness or intellect or free labor or nurturing side or- you can feel it. You can feel it when someone is draining from your feminine pool, and one great advantage of being female is your instincts are 5× more enhanced than your brother.

Stop letting people use you as a live in therapist to trauma dump or leave in cheerleader to gloat, and the 'people' is inclusive of women but mostly men.

The second the childhood trauma makes a cameo into the conversation they have ten seconds to wrap it up before you clock out.

Relationships are not based on the past they are based on the present. When we say be vulnerable- we are talking about your needs. Your desire. Your emotions- in the present. What does your childhood have to do with us right now my dude? & Hollywood has made it seem like trauma dumping is the ultimate form of trust- I've never told anyone about this so you're special because I told you it means I trust you- ew no get a therapist? If I'm special buy me a jet or stocks- invest in my wellbeing. How is knowing your past a special thing? Every offense possible meant- but what does your dad gotta do with trusting me? If you trust me lets be partners in a business? Hollywood has made it seem like it's a milestone in a relationship to know all the trauma tea- and maybe it is, but it means nothing. It's simply information.

In fact I've learned over time the trauma dump is an investment to future fuck ups as an excuse and a bail-me-out method. Babe you know my dad used to be shitty so excuse me for not knowing how to communicate and hurting our relationship you should let this go because three months ago I made an investment into my bail account for all my future fuck ups by opening up to you. Uhm. No bye. You don't deal with your issues so I have to? Door. Down the hall to the left. Lock it and forget my pass key, I suggest finding one to a therapist. I'm not paying in my adulthood for your childhood, Chad. Your past can not hurt my present, Chad, get a therapist. Chad. It wasn't your fault but it's also not mine, Chad, so I'm not taking responsibility for or the burnt of it, Chad. Matter of fact I'll take advantage of you over it, Chad, like you're trying to take advantage of me through it. Chaddie buddie.

On the same note, do not be anyone's cheerleader or gloat pot. Another thing m3n could use you for- especially if you're easy to please- ego enhancer. No don't get me wrong by all means do cheer your people in their achievements, but- achievements. Not thoughts or philosophies or worse- ambition. Achievements are tangible. I ran a marathon today- Yay. I'm planning to run a marathon- ok good luck. I bought stocks- Ok. I have a billion dollar idea- mhm. I made a billion dollars- great. I think children suffering is bad- OK. I donated to a child support cause- Yay. When I was ten I was boxing champion. Kk. I made it into the boxing championship- yay. Learn to cheer results that you find worthy of cheering- not something as bland and useless as ambition or an idea or- God forbid- philosophy or belief system. I know they trained you well in the bare-minimum-simpy camp but not to worry. I'll pluck it all out.

If you do not have the kind of relationship that allows them to be that open with you, let them know. Either mentally clock out, ie

"So actually my dad was really abusive. He-"

You: stare out the window. Echo a mhm. Take interest in the floor. Echo a 'ok'. Look at your phone.

Or, b) let them know

"When I was a kid I-"

"I don't think we have the kind of relationship where you should tell me that, let's stick within our boundaries. I think I need more lemonade. By the way, Alex told me-"

Or c) okay, and?

"You know I think what they're doing in Palestine is wrong because-"

"How much have you donated so far? "

"Well nothing, but"

"I think a donation will do more good than a philosophical discussion, we all know it's wrong. I emailed you the files. See you later"

See the thing, my love, is you're not stupid. You can tell. You can tell when you're being used you can tell when you're being exploited and when you force yourself to look past it in an attempt to 'score a relationship' or 'keep the peace' you make an investment in future abuse and you will hate yourself for it. Tell me I'm lying. Tell me you don't look into your past self with disgust. Tell me trauma dumping and gloat potting have not played a part in you getting used. Go on.

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baigepueckers · 22 days ago

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Caitlin Clark X Reader

New Beginnings

The draft was over, and Caitlin Clark’s name had been announced as the number one pick for Indiana. The cheering from both of your friends and family still echoed in your mind, even though the party had ended hours ago. You both now sat in your shared apartment, where the only sound was the low hum of post draft coverage from the TV, replaying the highlights of what had just happened.

Caitlin sat on the far end of the couch, phone in hand, scrolling through the flood of congratulatory texts and social media posts. She looked radiant, her face still glowing with excitement. Yet, despite how proud you were of her, the creeping sensation of dread had been gnawing at you all evening.

This wasn’t how you imagined feeling. You were supposed to be celebrating, supposed to be thrilled for her, for both of you. But now, as the reality of her draft pick settled in, it felt like a fog had rolled over you dense, suffocating. She was leaving, and nothing would be the same.

The future you had both spoken about so many times, the nights you dreamed together about her career and all the milestones ahead was suddenly staring you in the face, and it looked different now. Indiana wasn’t a dream anymore. It was real. It was happening. And it wasn’t just her future that was changing it was yours, too.

You pulled your knees up to your chest on the couch, eyes fixed on the TV screen, though you weren’t really watching. Caitlin’s attention was still on her phone, fingers tapping out responses to messages that came in every few seconds. As much as you tried to be present, your thoughts spiraled. Caitlin was leaving to chase her dream, and you didn’t know what that meant for your relationship. What did it mean for you?

It wasn’t until Caitlin stopped texting and looked over at you, concern flickering in her eyes, that the silence broke.

“Y/N?” she said softly, her voice cutting through the haze of your thoughts. “You’ve been quiet since we got back… are you okay?”

You blinked, trying to pull yourself together, but your throat felt tight. You swallowed hard, forcing a smile that felt too fake even to you. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… a lot to take in, you know?”

Caitlin frowned, setting her phone aside and sliding closer to you. Her hand found yours, her fingers warm and familiar as they laced through yours. “You don’t have to pretend with me. What’s going on?”

You tried to find the words, but they felt stuck in your throat. How could you admit to her that, even in the middle of her greatest achievement, you were afraid? That her dream come true made you feel like the ground beneath your feet was crumbling?

“I don’t want to ruin this for you, Cait,” you murmured, your eyes cast down at your hands, feeling selfish. “This is your night. You should be happy.”

Her grip on your hand tightened slightly, and she leaned in closer. “Y/N, this is our night. You’ve been with me through all of this, so if something’s wrong, I need to know.”

You sighed, feeling the weight of her words press down on you. She was right, of course. You’d been with her through everything every game, every late night practice, every doubt and every achievement. You were her biggest supporter. But now, the fear was hard to ignore.

“I’m just…” You paused, struggling to keep your voice steady. “I’m scared, Cait. You’re going to Indiana. You’re starting this huge new chapter of your life, and I don’t know where that leaves us.”

Caitlin’s face softened, her concern deepening as she shifted closer, now sitting directly in front of you. “What do you mean? Nothing’s going to change between us.”

You felt a lump form in your throat, and you blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay. “But it is, Cait. Everything is changing. You’re moving away. You’ll be busy with the team, with training, with all the new people you’re going to meet… You’ll have this whole new life, and I’m just… here.” Your voice trails off.

The vulnerability in your voice cracked something in Caitlin. She hadn’t realized how much this was weighing on you, how much you were quietly holding inside. “Y/N,” she said gently, her voice soft but firm, “you’re not ‘just here.’ You’ve been my everything. There’s no way I could’ve made it this far without you.”

“But I don’t know if I can just pick up my life and follow you,” you whispered, voice trembling now. “I love you, Cait, more than anything, but what if I’m not enough? What if I hold you back? You’ll be surrounded by people who understand your world in a way I don’t people who are part of it.”

Caitlin’s eyes glistened as she heard the depth of your fear. She had always known you were her anchor, her greatest source of strength, but she hadn’t realized how much you doubted your place in her future.

She moved closer, cupping your face gently in her hands, forcing you to look at her. “Listen to me”she said, her voice strong but filled with emotion. “You could never hold me back. You’ve been the one who’s pushed me forward, believed in me when I couldn’t even believe in myself. You’re the reason I’ve gotten this far, and I don’t want to do any of this without you.”

Your heart clenched, a tear slipping down your cheek. “But what if you get too busy? What if there’s no room for me in your new life?”

“There’s always going to be room for you,” Caitlin said, her thumb brushing away your tear. “You’re my home. No matter where I go or what I do, you’re the one thing I can’t lose.”

Her words cut through your doubt, but the uncertainty still gnawed at you. “But what about my life here? My job, my friends… everything I’ve built?”

Caitlin let out a small sigh, knowing this was the part she couldn’t make easy. “I know it’s a huge ask, and I won’t pretend it’s not. But I don’t want to start this chapter without you by my side. I’m asking you to come with me, Y/N. I need you with me.”

You stared at her, emotions swirling inside you. You’d known this was coming known that her success would mean leaving behind the comfort of your current life but hearing her ask you to follow her, to uproot everything for her, made the weight of it real.

“I don’t want to be selfish,” you whispered, your voice breaking. “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything.”

Caitlin shook her head firmly, pulling you even closer. “You’re not being selfish. You’ve sacrificed so much for me already, and I’m asking for more, but not because I owe you. I’m asking because I love you. And I need you.”

Your tears flowed freely now, the depth of your fears and love for her crashing over you. “I’m scared,” you admitted, voice shaking. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”

Caitlin wrapped her arms around you, holding you tightly as you cried into her shoulder. “You’re the strongest person I know,” she whispered. “we’ll figure it out together, I promise. Whatever it takes, we’ll make it work. I need you with me, Y/N. Not just for me, but for us.”

You clung to her, the warmth of her embrace a lifeline amidst the storm of your emotions. It was terrifying to think of leaving everything behind, of stepping into an unknown future with her. But as much as the fear gripped you, her love was steady unwavering.

After a long moment, you pulled back slightly, looking into her eyes. “You’re really sure about this? About me?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” Caitlin said, her voice filled with certainty. “You and me, Y/N. We’ve got this.”

You nodded slowly, the weight on your chest easing, though it wasn’t entirely gone. “Okay,” you whispered, your voice still shaky. “I’ll come with you.”

Caitlin’s breath hitched, her face breaking into a smile as she kissed you, slow and tender. When she pulled back, her forehead rested against yours, and you both sat there in the stillness of the moment, knowing that no matter how uncertain the future seemed, you would face it together.

“I love you,” she whispered against your lips.

“I love you too,” you replied, feeling the first real sense of peace you’d had all night.

In that moment, surrounded by the aftermath of her draft night, you knew that whatever came next you had Caitlin.

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msbigredmachine · 4 months ago

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New To This - Chapter 8

A/N: So glad to be back and writing again. Thanks to every single wonderful one of you who checked on me and sent me well wishes! You all know who you are and I appreciate you all so much!

This is quite the chapter 😈Enjoy!

MASTERLIST

Three sets of workout gear for the week, one for each day of the tryout. Two extra t-shirts. One good pair of jeans. Three outfits for nights out, most likely with her fellow recruits. Deodorant. Makeup bag. Skincare products. Certain that she had everything, she zipped her carry-on luggage closed. She checked her watch. 6.30am. Her Uber would be arriving any moment from now to drive her to the airport.

“Babe?”

The sound of Andre’s voice turned Delilah’s head towards the bedroom door, where he stood holding something in his hands.

“You forgot somethin',” he whispered, a hint of mirth struggling with the sadness in his voice as he held out what looked like a denim jacket. And not just any denim jacket. It was her favorite one, with the back embroidered with the words “Dee & Dre Forever”. She’d had that jacket since she was a teenager and had worn it through many milestones in her life so far; her high school graduation, her first job, Andre’s proposal. Despite her annoyance with him, she allowed herself to smile as she went to take it from him. “Thanks,” she murmured.

For a moment, the couple stood there, regarding each other silently. Then, he extended his hand to her, which she took, letting him pull her in for a big hug. Her heart began to thaw as his arms tightened around her waist, his face nuzzling her neck before lifting to press his lips to hers. Her blood still simmered because he was making her take this trip alone, but he seemed to be trying. Plus, she couldn’t resist responding to his sweet kisses, and she found herself missing him already.

The buzz of her phone broke their embrace, as well as the honk of a car horn blaring through the quiet of the morning. “I gotta go. My Uber’s here,” she whispered, her eyes suddenly misty at the thought of leaving him alone for an entire week, the longest they’d ever been apart.

With his arm around her shoulders, Andre escorted her through the front door and helped her stow her luggage in the trunk. He kissed her one more time. “I love you, baby. Good luck out there,” he said.

“Thanks.”

---------------

Four days later

The final day of tryouts arrived with a bittersweet feeling as Delilah joined the assembly of her fellow recruits around the ring. It was almost eight in the morning and they should have gotten started by now, but she appreciated the little break in transmission.

She thought Tank was a tough trainer, but he was a teddy bear compared to the coaches of the world-renowned Performance Center. Their drills were brutal and the promo classes were intense. She was sore and strained, but she could honestly say she had never felt stronger. She was hanging with D1 athletes and former pros, ranking among the top ten women in all the combines. Her promo skills needed some more work but she was in the perfect place to improve. She was getting encouragement from people who were experts at spotting talent, and she was eating up all their advice with a spoon.

The head coach, Matt Bloom, clapped his hands and called for everyone to settle down before making his announcement. “So guys, for our last day, we got a special guest coach who will be overseeing your progress today.” He paused to absorb the curious chatter among the recruits. “Without wasting any time, please join me in welcoming one half of the greatest tag team in WWE history, Main Event Jey Uso!”

Goosebumps sprouted on Delilah’s arms before Coach Bloom even finished saying his name. Sure enough, there he was, strutting through the door to the recruits’ rapturous applause. They had talked just yesterday and not once did he mention that he was coming. The star power oozed from him even from across the room. He was dressed for a workout, showing off that fabulous body of his, and Delilah couldn’t help but stare. She wasn’t the only one, as she could hear a number of the girls fawning over him, stirring an emotion inside her that had no business being stirred.

The recruits stood on the apron surrounding the ring, watching him demonstrate the perfect Samoan drop. He looked good. Really good. Throughout, she kept her distance, not wanting to rouse any suspicions. He stayed out of reach too, but that didn’t stop the electricity from crackling when he was near her, or the jealousy that simmered inside her when females flirted with him, a few of them laying their desperation on thick with their flirty gestures and hushed, lewd comments about getting him in their beds. To Josh’s credit, he seemed unfazed by it all and Delilah wanted to believe his aloofness had something to do with her. No matter what those bitches tried, none of them had any chance with her m–…him.

At the end of the tryout, the prospects got to mingle with Josh and all the other trainers for one last time. Delilah remained at arm’s length as she watched him work the room, keeping her cool when he finally made his way over to her.

“Fancy meeting you here,” she smiled, elbowing him in the ribs and making him chuckle.

“Wanted to surprise you. You ain’t miss me too much, did you?” he joked, his eyes drifting down her body for a split second before meeting hers again. A blush crept up Delilah’s neck.

“Consider me surprised. But I’m glad you came,” she said sincerely.

“Me too. You killed it out there, girl. All your hard work is payin’ off.”

“I know. It’s been a dream and then some,” Delilah sighed happily, looking around in awe at the place that had been her classroom for the last three days. “I still can’t believe I’m here, this is so surreal,” she gushed.

Josh laughed at her dreamy expression. “Aw, you so cute. Tell you what, how about dinner with me tonight,” he offered.

Delilah’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Huh?”

“I ain’t stutter,” he smiled. “You’ve had a long week. You should celebrate in style. Come kick it with ya boy.”

Wow. Was he seriously asking her out? Was that what this was? “There’s a party tonight for all the recruits and we’re all gonna be there. Won’t it look weird if I’m not there?” she asked, acutely aware that it sounded like an excuse.

“You can stay at your party for a bit and then come to me,” Josh replied smoothly. “The hotel I’m staying at got a great steakhouse. You’ll love it. I’ll get you a ride for eight-thirty. Sound good?”

The confident tone of his voice left no room for any protest. Not that she was going to. The lure of free fancy food and his company was too great. “Okay. Eight-thirty it is,” she answered.

---------------

The atmosphere inside the hookah lounge was great. Everyone was in a mellow and good mood. Laughter and drinks were plentiful as the recruits let loose and enjoyed the night. Delilah was on cloud nine. This was the kind of camaraderie she had imagined when she first embarked on this wild dream of hers, to bond with elite competitors and become friends over a shared dream they all hoped would come true.

But she looked forward to seeing Josh too, and she was counting down the seconds to eight-thirty. Her heart leapt when his text came in informing her that a car was outside waiting for her. Sneaking away was quite easy and as she slipped inside the Chevy Suburban to head to his hotel, a million thoughts ran through her head as to what else was in store tonight.

Josh was waiting in the lobby for her, his eyes lighting up when they landed on her. Delilah forced herself to close her mouth as quickly as it dropped. Words couldn't quite describe how delicious he looked.

Dressed in all black, his tattoos glistening on his skin and the jeweled gold Cuban link glittering under the collar of his short-sleeved dress shirt. He wore a devastating smile while clutching a bouquet of red roses in his hands. That visual alone made her glad that she'd chosen to wear a bodysuit instead of a dress.

“You look beautiful, baby girl. These are for you,” he murmured before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to her cheek.

Delilah blushed, holding the bouquet to her bosom as she inhaled their scent. She let him take her smaller hand in his and led her into the fancy restaurant. The maitre’d was waiting for them already, ushering the pair to a private corner table. The little lanterns above were soothing and illuminated the elegant space. After Josh helped Delilah into her seat and took his place next to her, the waiter handed them their menus and left to give them some privacy.

“This place is really nice. I get why you wanted us to come here,” Delilah smiled at Josh.

“Only the best for you, baby girl. Order whatever you want,” he told her simply.

The food was delicious - steak for him, lobster for her - and conversation was fun. There was always such an easy, natural flow between them, and as the night wore on they seemed to grow closer, their laughter softer and their gazes more intent and intimate. They sat side by side, with their shoulders pressed close together. She was soon leaning into him, feeling nice and warm from a mix of Daiquiri and white wine and his bigger muscular body warming hers. It wasn’t the wisest move on her part, but she felt so cozy just being in his presence and she was genuinely enjoying his attention.

It had been a while since she did something like this with Andre.

“I’m lookin’ for a new place in P-cola,” Josh informed her as he took a sip of his champagne. “You said your man’s a landscaper, right?”

With her dessert fork, Delilah cut up a piece of her red velvet ganache cake slice. “Yeah.”

Josh felt his body flush with desire as he watched her slide the cake into her mouth, licking the fork with long leisurely swipes of her tongue as she relished every delicious crumb. Clearing his throat, he soldiered on. “A’ight, cool. I might hit him up to do some stuff for me.”

Delilah scoffed and took another bite. “Yeah, let’s not do that.”

“Why? What’s the problem? You don’t want him to find out about us or somethin’?” he joked. Or at least he hoped it sounded like one.

She rolled her eyes. “Um, what ‘us’? I’m engaged and you’re married. Remember?”

“Separated,” Josh corrected.

“Right. Not divorced. Big difference.”

“So if I was divorced, would things be different?” Josh inquired.

“With who?”

It was his turn to roll his eyes. “With you and me, duh.”

There he went again. ‘Us’. ‘You and me’. Why did she feel like she was being put on the spot? More importantly, why did she feel guilty for not giving him the answers he wanted? Putting her fork down, her shrug was shy and half-hearted. “I dunno,” she mumbled.

Josh kissed his teeth with a wry smile. “Damn. Way to break a man’s heart, baby girl.”

Delilah shook her head and sipped her drink. “You been sayin’ some wild shit lately.”

“Maybe. But in my defense, I can’t help myself around you sometimes,” he said in a voice so husky that she had to turn her head to face him. His arm had circled her shoulders, bringing her just a little closer to him. The weight of his stare was crushing, and she tried to focus on something else, struggling to steer away from the path she’d thought she could manage venturing down.

“Gee, this is some good cake,” she breathed and picked up the plate of cake a little too aggressively, cursing to herself when some frosting smeared her index finger.

“Let me get that.” Josh reached out to capture her wrist, bringing her finger to his mouth and sucking off the frosting slowly, teasing her, testing her willpower. She sat still, wide eyes locking with his own hypnotic and mesmerizing irises, the color of hot coffee on a cold winter's day. He was such a beautiful man, so sexy that she felt paralyzed, her heart thrumming with a familiar warmth that rushed down south to make her slick between her thighs. The restaurant seemed to shrink around them in the minutes that they stared at each other, that simmering tension finally boiling over to the point of no return.

Josh released her hand to caress her cheek, his tongue snaking out to moisten his lips as he stared her down with a bone-melting intensity.

"You are so beautiful," he murmured, dipping his head and brushing his lips over her own.

It was as if an unstoppable force collided with an immovable object when their mouths met. The first taste of each other only served to heighten the suffocating lust between them. Her fingers raked through his short hair, a low moan escaping her throat when their tongues tangled, her heart thumping rapidly from his sweet taste. This kiss awakened her body in ways only one other man in her lifetime had, burning her from the inside out, burning away all memories of him and leaving her famished for someone else.

Without breaking the kiss, Josh wrapped his arms around Delilah’s waist and pulled her on top of him. Instantly, she felt his dick, hard and persistent, through his pants and it rubbed against the thin material of her romper, right on her clit. His erection felt big and she instinctively rolled her ass on it, making them both moan. Her lithe, smooth body grinded intimately against his, driving their arousal up another notch. The temperature ratcheted up by several degrees as he gripped her backside in his big hands and moved her back and forth on him, making her ride him like they were naked. In an even bolder move, his fingers weaved under the hem of her bodysuit, spreading her ass cheeks open to tease her pussy from behind.

The feel of his fingertips grazing her entrance snapped Delilah out of her trance, and she jumped as if she’d been burned. She pulled away abruptly and clambered off him, breathing hard like she’d just run a marathon.

“I’m sorry, I'm sorry I can’t,” she muttered, refusing to meet his eyes. “I have to go.” Without another word, she snatched her purse and rushed away from their table and out the door. Josh watched her flee, bewildered by her reaction.

-----------------

Ooooh. Thoughts?

Credit to the owners of the pics and gifs.

🏷️: @jxtina-86 @wrestlingprincess80 @fame-ass-ers @southerngirl41 @harmshake @alyyaanna @squishyguishy @jstarr86 @murrylove @thewarlordsworld @mzv11 @cozyaliensuperstar7 @nayys-world @hunnidmilly @cyberdejos2 @papireigns-05 @harmshake @niknakbucks92 @captainwithoutmakingitlove @sovereigngoth @aisharmi @kennedi0818 @alichesmi @thesamoanqueen @herwickedlittlesins @questionable-behaviour @tribalchiefreigns @2-muchsauce @thatbxtchsblog @raya-hunter01 @marchi36753 @lovelysuccess @christinabae @wooahmiri @thatonecarebear @tabletheofhead @rheaanddamianfan @vebner37 @hanley1577 @princessesareforsuckers @-naturally @joannasteez @bbygirlky18 @lilucey @theninthwonder @melaninsugababy @chocovibesonly @msbluehaz3 @scarlettnoir01 @heerah34 @empressdede @tbmotw @darkangelchronicles @visionarymode @marasdeathnote @aintnorainbows @meggylynnloves @shantinextdoor @harlemblipster @trc-punzel @afterdarkprincess @nbanenefrmdao @sassginaswanmills @purplehairgawdess @holisticcoach @girlwhogaf @royalkay23 @heyitsnajabrinee @stoner2k @reci1996 @catxo @iamimanim @lookmais @ts1mp0ne @lizzyd1ish @m3llowww @skyesthebomb @final1miya @kia1996 @randomuser0711 @yourtribalqueen @caramelcleopatraa @katymae12344 @that-one-anxious-mango @yana3sworld @ajenae @truefant4sy @thetribalqueen @bhjszsdxc @paigereeder @christinabae @justazzi @maknaehyucks @mindairy @headoftheetable @truefant4sy @mscarter213 @ariiaeltheedonn @sageispunk

#jey uso #main event jey uso #jey uso fanfiction #jey uso smut #jey uso imagines #jey uso fanfic #jey uso x black reader #jey uso x oc

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chronically-ghosted · 8 months ago

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Madame Ghosted invites you to a world of mysticism and magic! Enter through the veil for a night beyond your wildest dreams! the portal between this world and the next will be open for one week: March 31st - April 6th

let's get our freak on at the devil's sabbath for 1000 followers - pick a mystical art! (one at a time please)

augury 🦉 - a powerful omen of things to come. send me this and i’ll share a paragraph from one of my wips and talk a bit about it (feel free to pick a specific wip/on-going series if you'd like)

astrology 💫 - discern your past by studying celestial bodies. send me a pedro boy from either the cute and cuddly prompt list or the smutty list and i'll write a drabble

mediumship 👻 - communication between familiar spirits or spirits of the dead and living. mutuals, i love you so much! send me this and i'll tell you which pedro movie i think you're most suited to

palmistry ✋🏼 - divine the future in the palm of your hand. send in a pedro character with a trope/mood and i'll give you three fic recs

numerology ⚖️ - draw meaning from the symbols in your life. ask me anything you want to know - anon or otherwise - or we can play a game! (would you rather, FMK, etc.) (feel free to check out my brand-spankin' new about me page for any inspiration)

sappy thank you note below the cut:

i cannot translate all the gratitude, love, and awe i feel in my heart into words. thank you SO MUCH for every follow, reblog, comment, and follow you've all given me. when i am in a bad place, i come here for friendship, community, and kindness. when i need a laugh, i come here. when i need to get my rocks off, i come here (yeah, that's not a pun). when i need to feel surrounded by some of the greatest people i've ever met, i come here <3

it's been less than a year since i did my 100 follower milestone with a similar mystical theme, so it only seemed right i do it again. and to my surprise, a lot of those at that milestone are still around today. i'll tag some friend-o's below, but truly, thank you so much to all one thousand of you!

@sp00kymulderr @perotovar @gnpwdrnwhiskey @trulybetty @theywhowriteandknowthings @suzdin @kteague @heareball @tvversionperson @bitchwitch1981 @dilf-din @agentjackdaniels @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @whatsnewalycat @tightjeansjavi @hellishjoel @futuraa-free @covetyou @morallyinept @5oh5-library @opallouu @beskarandblasters @luxurychristmaspudding @pedrorascal @janaispunk @burntheedges @ladamedusoif

#1k followers #follower milestone #follower celebration

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daddynattt · 2 years ago

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GIRL HERE ME OUT CAN YOU PLEASE CREATE ADARABBLE * NAT X Y/N WITH KIDS* OUT OF THIS PLEASE 😭😭😭I NEED SOME FLUFF RN COZ I JUST FINISHED MY EXAM

Lol I saw this tiktok last night, so cute. Good job on finishing your exams I’m sure you did great and I’m proud of you<3 I love soft mama Nat hope you enjoy this little fluffy piece.

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Warnings: None just fluff and Nat being a softie for her family.

You and Natasha were sitting on the couch watching a movie, your son in your arms as you feed him his milk, you look to your side and watch as Natasha is staring at the two of you with so much love in her eyes making your heart skip a beat. Starting a family with the ex-assassin has been the best decision you’ve ever made, as she is the greatest mother to your two children. She gives the three of you everything you could ever want and need, and has never missed any milestone.

“Are your eyes stuck Natty?” you give her a teasing smile, laughing when she huffs and rolls her eyes, planting a kiss on both your heads making you smile.

“Can I not admire my perfect partner and our son?” you blush at her words, she never fails to make you feel like the most important person in the world, and you are forever grateful for her. You finish feeding your little boy, and you look to your side once again to see Natasha making grabby hands. You giggle and allow her to take him in her arms, and she instantly holds him up to her chest, rubbing and patting his back softly to get him to burp. You get up off the couch to clean up a bit, chuckling when she whines out.

“Baby where you going?” you turn around and plant a sweet kiss on her lips, and her smile instantly warms your heart.

“More please” her pout makes you giggle, this woman is such a softie that you would never have guessed she is the Black Widow. You plant a few more soft kisses on her awaiting lips, and a few on your sons head as well.

“Me and our little munchkin are happy now, proceed to what you were doing, but don’t take too long please we already miss you” you smile at her words, letting out a yelp as she spanks your butt softly when you turn around, glaring at her when she gives you an innocent look.

“What? You know I can’t help myself” you shake your head, proceeding to clean up a little around you. You admire Nat as she holds him in his arms, her soft nature for you and the children is something you will never get tired of. You make your way back to the couch, sitting beside her and planting a kiss on her lips once again.

You watch the two of them, smiling as Nat kisses and noms on his chubby cheek and tickling his sides softly, his giggles making the two of you smile. You hear footsteps coming closer and you see your daughter make her appearance with a book in her hand, but once she sees the position the two are in, she instantly gasps, her mouth open wide as she clutches at her chest, completely shocked at the scene in front of her, seemingly feeling betrayed that Nat would do that to anyone other then her, causing you to laugh out loud. Shock is written all over her face as she stares at them, then climbs into your lap, and puts her hand out at Natasha, a frown on her face.

“Mama no!” the two of you laugh, and Natasha pulls her into her lap as she cuddles and holds them both in her arms, making your heart burst with love at the scene.

“Aww my little princess, mama loves you just as much, I love you both so so much. Want me to read you the book?” she nods and cuddles into Nat more, getting comfortable against her chest as Nat wraps her arm around her, holding the two of them protectively in her arms. She kisses her brother on his forehead, making the two of you smile. She may get jealous, but she loves her brother. Natasha turns towards you, motioning for you to come closer, and you cuddle into her side, the four of you huddled together.

“I love you and our family so much” her confession makes your heart skip a beat, and you kiss her softly, smiling against her lips.

“I love you and our family so much more” she kisses your nose, then both their foreheads, and proceeds to read the book, her voice smooth and comforting, calming the three of you down. You wouldn’t change your family for anything. This is where you are meant to be.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff #soft natasha romanoff

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ivegotthewholeworldussy · 6 months ago

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the greatest victory (tennis player!arle fluff)

contains: no plot, live marriage proposal, fluff, implied smut

“game, set, match. arlecchino wins three sets,” the umpire announces. after a thrilling finals match between my girlfriend and yelan, arlecchino wins her tenth grand slam title by a landslide. the two women meet in the middle of the court, shaking hands as a sign of sportsmanship.

once arlecchino is presented with the teyvat grand slam trophy, she begins her victory speech.

“ten grand slam titles, a milestone i never thought i’d be able to achieve in my professional career,” she starts. “but somehow, i did it. i first want to thank my coach, the tsaritsa. being coached by you is a humbling experience and i don’t think i would’ve accomplished any of these things without your guidance. another thanks goes out to my fans. i wouldn’t have made it this far without all of your support...”

“…and my final thanks goes out to my amazing girlfriend, who has supported me since the beginning. they are my motivation to always give it my all in every match, no matter the outcome. they are the reason i continue to play tennis. so before we conclude the evening i would like to call my girlfriend up on the court, as i have a special message for them.”

the camera points at my direction and the audience starts clapping. i couldn’t help the blush that forms on my face, not knowing what arlecchino has in store for me tonight.

i make my way to the tennis court, and arlecchino pulls me in for a quick peck on the lips. she then takes both of my hands in hers, maintaining eye contact as if it were just us.

“when i first met you, i was a new face in the world of professional tennis,” she says. “i’ve won and lost many games throughout my career, but you have always rooted for me since the beginning. when i won my first professional match, hearing you cheer louder than the rest of the audience made me realize i wanted to get to know you better.”

“i gave you a tennis ball with my autograph and number on it, not knowing that moment would lead to being in a happy and loving relationship with the most beautiful soul ive ever met. tonight we celebrate my tenth grand slam win. but for me, the greatest victory i can think of is spending the rest of my life with you…” arlecchino then takes a knee, pulling out a tiny red box from her pocket.

i couldn’t stop the tears of happiness running down my face, as i realized what was happening. arlecchino opens the red box, presenting a silver engagement ring with my birthstone on it.

“every time i think about the future, i always think about you by my side. my love, will you help me make this future a reality and accept my hand in marriage?” she finally pops the question.

with tears in my eyes, i nod my head and exclaimed, “yes! yes! a thousand times yes!” arlecchino puts the ring on my finger, before she lifts me up in the air and kisses me in front of the cheering audience.

“i love you so much, darling,” she whispers as she pulls away from the kiss. “i can’t wait to start a new chapter with you…”

once my happy tears subsided, i respond, “i love you too, babe. there’s nobody else i’d rather be with…”

the flashing lights of the cameras and the loud cheers of the audience start to get overwhelming for me, and arlecchino takes note of it.

“let’s go somewhere more private, shall we,” she suggests. “then you can do as you please with me once we’re alone…”

i couldn’t help but feel flustered, knowing the implications of arlecchino’s comment. nonetheless, i followed her out of the tennis court, away from prying eyes to celebrate our engagement.

#genshin impact #fatui harbingers #arlecchino #the knave #arlecchino x reader #arlecchino fluff #implied smut at the end #once again spreading my tennis player!arlecchino propaganda #no minors please

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jokeroutsubs · 1 year ago

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Joker Out interview with magazine Mladina, published on 30th of June 2023

Interviewed by Vanja Pirc

Photos by Borut Kranjc

This year's Slovenian representatives at Eurovision, the five-member band Joker Out, attracted an unusually large amount of attention with their accessibility and playfulness, especially with the song "Carpe Diem." In the days and weeks that followed, it became clear that their Eurovision entry, which only placed 21st, had indeed opened the door for them to go abroad. They started adding new concerts in Ireland, Croatia, the UK, Scotland, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Serbia, and others to the ones they had already arranged in Slovenia and the former Yugoslav republics. They sold out all of them, some in just a few minutes. Well over eight thousand people will see them on the UK and Nordic tour alone. For musicians working in Slovene, that's an incredible statistic.

It's a remarkable milestone to see how they've come from "Špil liga," where they first came to the limelight by winning in 2013 when they were still a high school band, to today, being greeted by masses of enthusiastic fans below the stage, and being selected by the Scottish band Franz Ferdinand to be their opening act at Croatia's Špancirfest festival. We spoke to lead singer Bojan Cvjetićanin, guitarists Kris Guštin and Jan Peteh, and bassist Nace Jordan. Unfortunately, drummer Jure Maček was missing, but we could see that he is a man of many talents by looking at the huge wooden structure with a platform that added another floor to the band's rehearsal space in Šiška, Ljubljana.

After Eurovision, you made no secret of your disappointment at finishing 21st, but your Eurovision song "Carpe Diem," sung in Slovenian, is now one of the most listened-to songs of this year's Eurovision event. It's being played all over Europe, most notably in Finland, Poland, the UK, the Netherlands, Spain... Did you expect this turn of events?

Bojan: The result we achieved at the Eurovision Song Contest was really not the greatest. Not even close. But, as you can see, in the end, it doesn't even matter. What is more important for us is that we managed to achieve the rest of the goals we had set for ourselves. We approached Eurovision in a very organic way, aiming to translate our stage and concert experience from real life to the Eurovision stage. It was clear to us that this is the biggest show stage in Europe, maybe even in the world. We were aware that this is a competition of one song, one comprehensive performance to be presented in three minutes. Our goal was to ensure that the audience would remember Slovenia's performance in 2023, and we have achieved that. We also aimed to connect with other performers, and we succeeded in doing so. But most importantly, we wanted both our Eurovision song and our other songs to be well-received in the real world. The data from radio stations, online streaming platforms, and concert offers confirm that apparently, we have achieved that as well.

Before, you were known mainly in Slovenia, and to a lesser extent in the Balkans. However, your Eurovision song has temporarily climbed to the top 50 most viral songs in the world chart on the streaming platform Spotify. You even briefly surpassed Sweden's Loreen, the winner of this year's Eurovision, in terms of popularity.

Bojan: Just to clarify, we only surpassed her for a day or two. But it's really nice that it happened on Spotify's list of the most listened-to songs in the world.

Kris: Well, she did get a billboard in New York's Times Square as the winner at the time, so it's a matter of who surpassed whom, I suppose (gesturing with his hands).

Well, who did?

Bojan: I believe that what we will gain from this performance will surpass what many other performers will achieve. Eurovision has introduced us to a very large audience in a very short time, and they have really connected with our music. They are now translating our lyrics into their own languages and even learning Slovenian. We were surprised to see how many of them bought dictionaries to learn Slovenian - we know this because we were asked to sign them. Others are learning Slovenian through online platforms, and there are even dictionaries being created on TikTok. These listeners are not bothered at all that we are not creating in English at this point; on the contrary, they would like us to keep it that way. However, we have to be realistic. To truly expand our listener base, it's important to be accessible to people.

That's why you have already prepared an album a few months ago, featuring songs from both your previous albums rearranged in English. The album is now awaiting release. One of your main goals was to be able to translate your concert experience onto the stage.

Bojan: The first real international test after Eurovision was in Zagreb, where we performed as the opening act for the most popular young Serbian band at the moment, "Buč Kesidi", at a previously arranged concert. We performed outdoors in the middle of the day, with the sun still high up in the sky. However, we were greeted by a crowd of 2,500 people and received a phenomenal response. They sang along with us, and later we read in the Serbian media that we probably have the most Croatian fans among Slovenian bands. After this show, when we announced a solo concert in Zagreb's Tvornica for November, which is comparable in size to Ljubljana's Cvetličarna, the tickets sold out in five hours. So, we arranged another concert in the same venue, and that one sold out as well. The response in Croatia has been truly amazing, and they have set a very high bar for the future.

You have been intentionally engaging with the countries of the former Yugoslavia lately. Through songs like "Demoni" ("Demons"), you have approached them language-wise. In addition to Croatia, you have also been booked for concerts in Serbia and Bosnia and Herzegovina. Your Eurovision song also reminds me a little of Plavi orkestar, which was once the most popular Yugoslav pop band, or Đorđe Balašević. It is probably not a coincidence that the line "The game of hatred is your thing, thank you, don't count on us" is reminiscent of his hit "Računajte na nas" ("Count on us")?

Bojan: No, no, it's not a coincidence.

Is it nevertheless more difficult to plan a breakthrough to the rest of Europe? After Eurovision, the Irish were the first to sign you up, did the audience there also know your songs by heart?

Bojan: Yeah, we haven't really gotten used to that yet (laughs). In Ireland, we managed to sell out our first show in 12 minutes. It's true that it was a small venue, comparable to Ljubljana's Orto bar, and it wasn't a solo concert, but a joint performance with this year's Irish Eurovision representatives. However, due to the high level of interest, we arranged another concert in a club twice as big, which is also their most iconic venue. Soon after, other venues started to show interest. We announced a UK tour, with over five thousand tickets on sale for four shows in major cities, and they sold out. We announced a Nordic tour, with around 2,500 tickets available, and it sold out in half an hour, along with three Finnish concerts in just ten minutes. Later, we released an additional 770 tickets, which were gone in five minutes. Offers are also coming in from many other countries, and it is impossible to predict what will happen in the upcoming months.

A number of Slovenian music artists have successfully reached international audiences, from Senidah to Laibach, from Gramatik to Umek, and you were the first ones to consider using Eurovision as a springboard. Would it make sense for our country to continue using this event to promote established musicians who are eager to make an international breakthrough? You were internally selected for this competition.

Kris: It all depends on what we as a country want to achieve from this competition in the future. We have to decide whether EMA is a competition where we find the most suitable representative and expect them to make the most of their opportunity while promoting our country along the way, or whether it is a competition where Slovenian musicians present themselves to Slovenian audiences. Personally, I believe that it is definitely better to choose a performer who already has an established infrastructure in place and a certain support base, because this can enable him to use his potential to the fullest.

Jan: I think that would be the best approach as well. However, since many musicians see EMA as one of the few opportunities to showcase their work to a wide audience through public broadcasting, it would make sense to maintain that aspect too, perhaps as a prelude to EMA, transforming it into a grand finale for carefully selected artists, similar to Sanremo.

Bojan: The main issue with the previous selections was that Slovenia didn't approach it with the intention of winning. Of course, success in such a significant event is not guaranteed. But why not approach it strategically nonetheless? For example, I believe we should send Senidah to Eurovision in 2024!

Senidah is the biggest star in the Balkans, the most listened-to musician. Is she also your role model in that sense?

Bojan: Absolutely. Senidah is the first Slovenian artist, after Mr. Predin and "Lačni Franz", to truly break through in the Balkans. She does write music in Serbian, but that's irrelevant; what's important is that she's made a remarkable breakthrough in a market that has so far been very closed off to Slovenians. And not only has she broken through, but she is topping the charts. However, I would understand if Senidah refused to participate in EMA, at least as long as the current rules are in place. EMA is too close in time to Eurovision. The winner has only one month to submit material. Imagine having to put together the most important performance of your life in just 15 days? We, on the other hand, had more time since we were internally selected—three months—and we utilized this extra time to design our pre-Eurovision campaign, which ultimately played a key role in our success. That's what left the biggest impression.

You managed to invest between ten and fifteen thousand euros of your own funds in this promotion. You have an extensive domestic touring career behind you. In October, you will fill our biggest venue, Stožice, for the first time, where you expect 12,000 people.

Kris: I've always considered it a privilege to have established a music career at such an early stage in our lives and to have quickly reached the point of financial self-sufficiency.

Bojan: It really worked out for us that right after we finished university, we began our professional lives as musicians.

Those who know you say that you are very disciplined, very organized. Bojan, your fellow classmates from Poljane Gymnasium in Ljubljana also say that even back then, you were absolutely convinced that you were going to make a breakthrough. Many people rolled their eyes at the thought, but you had a clear objective. You were networking with the right people, educating yourself, and Pavle Kavec taught you guitar...

Bojan: Yes, Pavle the legend. I knew during my time at Poljane Gymnasium that I wanted to be an artist. I hadn't fully decided whether it would be music or something else because I was also considering studying acting. But my thoughts were always centered around creating. I suppose that's more or less true for all of us. When Jure and Nace joined us, the first question was whether we were fully committed at 1000%, or if there was another one percent pulling us towards a "plan B," such as the directions we were trained in. No, there is no "Plan B" anymore. At some point, we made the decision to cut it off.

So, the high school students at Poljane Gymnasium may very well forget that you were once planning to be their sociology professor? We've also seen you in a few episodes of the series "Gospod profesor" ("Mr. Professor").

Bojan: I've given up on the professorship, but I still find acting very interesting. For once in my life, I would like to be in a film, playing a totally negative character. I would be mean as a snake. And it doesn't even have to be a Slovenian film; it can be from the Balkans.

Kris: I have to admit that I never thought of making a living from music, although I certainly saw it as an ideal. Even when I was deciding on my studies, I wavered between sociology and chemistry, and then preferred the latter because of its greater potential for employability. Well, later on, I did go into social sciences, for a master's degree in international relations.

Yet Kris, you were the one who had the ideal conditions to become a musician. You grew up playing guitar, because your father, Miha Guštin - Gušti, is the co-founder of "Big Foot Mama", one of the most popular Slovenian bands. Today, you are considered to be their successors.

Kris: I really had the ideal conditions to become a musician who does this for a living. Not only because of my dad, but my mum also worked for record labels for many years and has recently embarked on this path again, so I've been in touch with both sides of the music world, creatively and business-wise, since I was a little kid. But I didn't really start playing guitar until I was 14, 15. And nobody else among us is a trained musician either, except our drummer, Jure Maček.

Bojan: Yes, our Maček finished elementary music school, and he also played a lot, mostly with the "Logatec brass band".

Jan: Let's not forget his performances with the "Golaž brass band", and with the Cantabile Symphony Orchestra...

Jan, you are a mathematician. The link between music and mathematics was explored by Pythagoras after he listened to a blacksmith striking a hammer, and from that he developed the study of harmony.

Jan: Yeah, at the moment it's kind of like, if you have an out-of-tune guitar, you can just say you have a Pythagorean tuning (everyone bursts out laughing). To me, maths is relevant because it's the only thing in the existence of human understanding that you can really count on. It can be used to get definitive answers to at least some questions. I see it as something that gives you structure in your life.

Nace: I would have chosen to study veterinary medicine if I had gone to university, but I discovered very quickly that music was my passion. After high school I went out into the world, I played in a band on a cruise ship that more or less sailed the Baltic, somewhere between Russia, Finland and Sweden. You could say I've got a lot of musical mileage from playing abroad. But it's limited to German schlager and German rock. Our audiences were mostly German families (laughs).

You also have the most experience of performing in front of TV cameras, especially as a member of the in-house band of the TV show "V petek zvečer" ("Friday Night"), which gives airtime to more folk-music genres on TV Slovenia. Have you scrapped this "plan B" now as well?

Nace: Officially, I'm still a member of that band; maybe the managers are expecting me to come back to the show in the autumn. But it remains to be seen whether that will be possible. Most probably not.

Today, together with MRFY, you are considered the successors of our most popular rock or pop-rock guitar bands who managed to appeal to the masses, not only of "Big Foot Mama", but also, for example, "Siddharta" and "Dan D". Why hasn't there been a real breakthrough of new bands of this kind in the last few years? Were guitars considered to be outdated, were young people closer to electronica, trap, hip-hop, mixtures of genres?

Bojan: The music of "Siddharta" and "Big Foot Mama" was a kind of basic building block for me from the very beginning. These people have influenced me more than any other world-renowned musicians. So having them support us really means a lot to me. And the Špil Liga, where student bands have been entering for the last decade, has definitely been a very strong factor in the revival of the scene. MRFY are also from Novo mesto, which is considered a mini Slovenian capital of rock'n'roll, as many of the bands that have developed under the patronage of Tokac, the music producer and frontman of "Dan D", originate from there. At the same time, in last few years the Slovenian youth has become hungry for home-produced music of all genres, and this has stirred up a strong wave of creativity, which is being held in the hands of our own generation, as well as those a little younger and older than us. At this point, the whole spectrum of what we need, from clothes to design to photography, is being created by people our age, as well as those a little younger and older than us. Well, with one exception, of course, being our producer Žare Pak, but he's young at heart.

As you reach out to a wider audience, do you also feel the pressure to meet the ever-increasing expectations of both listeners and the music industry?

Jan: I feel that right now, more than ever, we can be confident and sure of what we are doing. We didn't even enter Eurovision with some deliberately made hit-like song to suit Eurovision ears, but we did a Joker Out song that could easily have been on our album last year. Our achievements so far prove that we are doing something right because people at home and abroad like it.

Kris: I also feel like we have more freedom to create now but also fewer inhibitions to go into more experimental waters in terms of music, outfits, visuals, or anything else.

Do you think that's what some people expect from you now?

Bojan: Musicians are often criticized for their style, genre, or sound. But such criticisms are absurd.

In particular, Slovenian rock or pop-rock has always been attacked in this respect for relying too often on tried-and-tested forms and less often, for example, on boldness, innovation.

Bojan: We've been on the scene long enough, and we know that the very concept of what Jokers do bothers some people. And that's why they keep pushing their idea that we don't make authentic music but rather some crap that we invented just to exist. So, they feel it would be good if we would stop doing that. These people want, or even demand, that Joker Out should stop being Joker Out. And we're happy that on the first and second album we were able to make music completely unburdened by expectations of how people would react to it. I think the second album is quite challenging in both its sonic elements and the overall meaning of the lyrics in certain songs. I'm sorry that not one of the critics mentioned "Plastika" ("Plastics") in their reviews. None of these intellectuals who have so much to say against our love songs thought that this could be a harbinger of a different, new direction.

This song was written in response to a study showing that the vast majority of teenage girls today want plastic surgery and other body modifications to meet their perverse beauty ideals.

Bojan: There's a lot of content that people don't want to see. On the other hand, I also don't understand why songs about love, which are in the vast majority in this culture at the moment, should be inferior to those about society. In fact, I hope to be able to sing about love for the rest of my life.

Kris: You will, you will sing "Umazane misli" ("Dirty Thoughts") for the rest of your life (laughs).

You addressed Europe with the words "We'll be dancing all night long, we'll love and play with each other as if there was no tomorrow." You have stated several times that you are not a political band, but isn't that actually very political? What is more political than being able to smile and rejoice even in the worst of situations?

Bojan: I very much agree. I even think that if Tokac had sung our song, the message would have gotten through to a lot more people. But because we sang it, a lot of people didn't take it seriously.

The current Prime Minister, Robert Golob, after learning that the future coalition had brought down the government of Janez Janša, said, "Today people are dancing, I am waiting for you to start dancing too." Do you think that if we had had your song then, he would have said instead, "We'll be dancing all night long"? As some employees of RTV Slovenia did when the depoliticisation of their institution could begin?

Bojan: The song "Carpe Diem" is largely written with the idea of fighting back against the things that are happening today. The fact that we had Eurovision in a country that was not last year's winner, because the event could not be held there due to the war, is quite an indication of the troubled times we live in. On the other hand, our only defense as musicians is to spread positive energy among the people and send socially relevant messages. We cannot do more than that. We do not want to take up arms, and we won't. Our only weapons can be our songs.

Culture and art can certainly be weapons too, especially in situations where people are suffering. Do you think that's why Ukrainians supported you at Eurovision, both the audience and the jury? The country is in ruins because of the war, people are displaced, and there is no end in sight to the conflict. But your dancing until dawn has been noticed.

Bojan: I am a child of refugees from Bosnia and Herzegovina. My parents had to leave their home in Banja Luka because of the war. They came to Slovenia as refugees and stayed here. They had to rebuild their lives. In light of today's events, I can only conclude that the saying 'Historia magistra vitae est' (“History is the teacher of life”) is clearly not true. Because one day, when all the problems of this world are solved, I too will be able to afford the attitude of being opposed to all that is positive. But at the moment, that is not a possibility.

Your parents, Bojan, had to move because of the war, and your mother, Kris, moved from the Netherlands to Slovenia for love.

Bojan: That's a much nicer reason, isn't it?

Kris: Well, I also have a grandfather who fled Indonesia because of the civil war.

Migration flows have been huge in recent years, with thousands of people pouring into Europe, but they are often met with contempt and harsh treatment. Do you feel that your intimate experience of all this migration has also shaped your attitude towards all those who are seeking a better life?

Kris: Absolutely. In my home, this has always been a topic we have talked about. When I was still living with my parents, we often watched the TV program "Dnevnik" together, and whenever they showed a piece on migration, my mother would get very emotionally involved in the scenes on the screen. And that sticks with you. When you see a parent who can understand someone who had to leave home for completely different reasons and on the other side of the world, it naturally rubs off on you.

Bojan: Most of all, you feel the spectrum of pain associated with having to leave your home is much more than just having to leave a place. Only then do you realize that home is really a tangle of space, of people, of smells, of tastes, of everything surrounding you. Leaving all that behind is not the easiest thing to do. It is even harder to leave under duress, and the hardest to leave knowing that your home is in the process of being destroyed and that when and if you return one day, it will not feel like home anymore. The same people will not be there, the same smells will not be there. What has shaped your life will no longer exist.

Alongside wars and conflicts, another key reason why people from other parts of the world are moving to Europe in large numbers is climate change. Your generation is leading the fight to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, to live more sustainably. How important is this cause to you?

Kris: The fight for climate fairness is one of our few very clear common political positions. Here we are completely united and support all political choices towards sustainability. It is also very clear that this is an important issue not only for us but also for a large part of our audience. It was interesting to note that two years ago, at a rally for climate justice in Ljubljana, we saw a poster with the lyrics of one of our songs. We've summed up our own thoughts on the subject in the song "Novi val" ("New Wave)," which was written last year and is currently one of our most successful and important songs.

In that song, you say "The radio only plays lightnings and strikes', the newspaper says that we' ve lost our way. Today we'll sing and raise our glasses, we were born yesterday and have already been blamed for everything." And what are you guilty of? Probably not the fact that your generation faces precarious employment, that loans are hard to come by, and so are real estate, even rental properties?

Bojan: These are the facts of life lived by the "born yesterday" generation. They are the result of the accumulation of bad decisions over decades. These facts manifest themselves in reality as obstacles that reduce our ability to build the pillars of our independence and, as a consequence, are the reason for our failure to live up to societal expectations. In a world where laws have been written for decades in favor of a mega-massive littering of the planet, we are guilty of standing up for environmental justice instead of "doing something smarter and more serious with our lives," even though previous generations have themselves turned the (labour) market into a war zone of precarious employment. We fight day in and day out with the uncertainty of whether or not we will be employed tomorrow...

But even in this song, you sing and you raise your glasses.

Kris: This song and the Eurovision song "Carpe Diem" are actually very similar in spirit and message, except the second one addresses the listener in a dance guise and this one in a much more serious manner.

The song "Novi val" ("New Wave") has received a lot of attention because of the English version you released before the Eurovision, which you performed with the renowned British musician Elvis Costello. Your now ex-member Martin has a godfather who is a friend of Costello's, and in 2013 you sent him the song "Gola" ("Naked") to listen to. He did listen to it and suggested that you send him more songs. So last year you sent him "Novi val" ("New Wave").

Bojan: Yes, that was true, and when I sent him that song, I also asked him if he would be willing to re-arrange it in English. And he wrote back that he was up for it. Shortly after that, only about a week later, he sent me another email saying if we all agreed, he was ready to sing the song with us. Interestingly enough, he felt the song even before he understood what it was about. His first reaction after hearing the Slovenian version was that it was "a charming song that transcends the understanding of language". He recorded his vocals in New York, and we recorded them in Ljubljana. At the end of the song, we kept the chorus in Slovenian, at his request.

Costello has two Grammys, two Brit Awards, and was named one of the 100 greatest rock'n'roll musicians of all time by Rolling Stone magazine. What does his support mean to you?

Bojan: I can say without any reservation that even if I never wrote another song after this, I would forever be proud of what I have achieved. But it was this collaboration that gave us an indescribable amount of new energy to create. I am very proud of it. However, I must add that I felt the same pride when Tomi Meglič or Grega Skočir gave us words of encouragement. The moment when I first felt their sincere appreciation was a turning point for me, and since then I have existed quite differently as a musician. But of course, it is clear that Elvis Costello's encouraging words carry international weight. And that is something completely new for us. It's just a pity that we haven't been able to meet up yet because he was on tour in the US at the time of the recording of the song and later the video.

He will be touring Europe in the autumn, including Hamburg. You recorded the Eurovision song there in December.

Bojan: He honored us greatly then. He sent us the song "Hamburg Postcard", which he wrote especially for us.

Kris: Let's not forget something else. Our band has always described our music as "shagadelic rock'n'roll" (the Oxford English Dictionary defines shagadelic as "sexy, but in a psychedelic or retro way", A/N). We borrowed this term from "Austin Powers", but it was actually spoken by Elvis Costello, who played himself in that film. When we sent him our song "Gola" ("Naked") in 2019, we thought it would be a good idea to let him know that we also use the term "shagadelic rock'n'roll". And then he personally gave his permission to use it because he felt that that was what it was. To complete the circle, Elvis Costello is one of the original protagonists of the English New Wave, and we are now singing together about the New Wave. He is also from Liverpool, which hosted this year's Eurovision. Our collaboration was clearly written in the stars.

Costello, as a Liverpudlian, knew the most famous local musicians, The Beatles, very well and had worked with Paul McCartney. The Beatles are also among your role models, and this year you also visited the place where the Beatles began their musical journey for the first time. Do you now understand better why they remain the greatest?

Kris: For me, visiting Liverpool and the places that influenced the Beatles and their music gave me some perspective. We knew them through songs, like Penny Lane, for example, but in reality, it's much smaller and more 'plain' than we imagined. Liverpool is a beautiful city, but the suburbs where the Beatles lived are very ordinary working-class housing estates. One could say quite bland. Now I walk around Ljubljana with different eyes. I can imagine that one of our future songs could also feature an insignificant, less exposed street that made its mark on us...

Bojan: And this is where you can see very clearly why the Beatles are the Beatles. Because everybody has a Penny Lane in their life, an ordinary street where you meet a friend. Penny Lane is the most universal thing in the world

The English song "Novi val" ("New Wave") was covered by the BBC and ITV, and the British voted for you at Eurovision. Your music and performances have always been influenced by British pop. Is that one of the key places for you, besides the Balkans?

Bojan: I think our focus is on any place that is willing to accept us, but England has a special charm because we ourselves have been heavily influenced by British music. I'm not the ultimate "nomad," I dislike long flights and exotic destinations that can be unpredictable, so Europe is very dear to my heart. I would be very happy if we could establish ourselves as a European band that could travel a little bit around Scandinavia in the summer and then Dalmatia in the winter...

Kris: Or Spain, where we would eat tapas.

Is the interest in your band in the country also related to the fact that Bojan speaks Spanish?

Bojan: Yes, I ended up doing more interviews in Spanish than in English. The Spanish have also been very active because of our links with their Eurovision representative Blanca Paloma.

Kris: It's really amazing how you can charm a foreign audience by speaking their language. I understand it with the Spanish, as they are mostly less proficient in English, but I was surprised by the Dutch. Dutch is my mother tongue, of course, but I didn't expect that it would matter because in the last few years I have noticed that in Amsterdam, almost only English is spoken on the street. Even the oldest market vendor speaks perfect English. But they were very enthusiastic. On streaming platforms, the Netherlands is one of our top 10 countries.

You mentioned earlier that your fans are now learning Slovenian. What about your future - will it be written in English?

Bojan: The next album will almost certainly have songs in English, Slovenian, and Serbian, but it's very possible that there will also be some in French or Spanish.

What about Finnish? At Eurovision, the most talked-about thing was your friendship with the Finnish representative Käärijä, who came in second place. When you, Bojan, sang his song, he praised you, saying it was "better than the original".

Bojan: We haven't talked about a musical collaboration yet, but I was a guest at his concert in Helsinki in June, and we would be very happy to have him at our concerts. Unfortunately, that won't happen in Stožice because he has a big concert on the same day.

Now that it is clear that your international ambitions are growing exponentially, what is the ultimate goal where you would say, well, now we have made it?

Kris: Even before we had international ambitions on the level we have today, we often talked about how performing on the main stage of the Hungarian festival "Sziget" would be a testament to the fact that we have achieved something in our lives. Do you remember?

Bojan: How European of us, right? (laughs)

And - have they called you yet?

Jan: Not yet, but we are already learning Hungarian just in case (laughs).

Kris: And we were just wondering why we shouldn't just announce a concert at Wembley Stadium in London in 2030.

Bojan: Yeah, because if we started selling tickets now, we might even be able to sell them by then. (Everyone bursts out laughing because the stadium seats 90,000).

#joker out #bojan cvjeticanin #nace jordan #jan peteh #kris gustin #jure macek

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mindmeltonabun-blog · 11 months ago

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My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 7-8

Hello Readers!

The episodes this week were top-tier! Some quick thoughts I had about this week's eps: Kwang Chul gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, “step on me”. I totally wasn’t expecting this drama to have any blood or gore, but here we are. Did they have to make Gu Won’s stabbing so violent and gruesome?!! Blood was spurting out everywhere! It seriously made me want to vomit.

Other thoughts I had were that all of Madam Ju’s family members should be in prison or at least a mental institution because they're all so freaking crazy. The only good thing about these episodes was that Do Hee and Gu Won finally admitted their true feelings to each other.

I'll try to keep this post as short as possible, but you know me, I still end up writing a shit ton. Anyway, let's take a deeper dive into some of the many mysteries in "My Demon". Time to put on our thinking caps to analyze and theorize!

Demons' Limitations

In Ep 7, we were finally given more information about demons. Specifically, the writer provided us with information about demons' limitations which are quite similar to the limitations of the genie from Aladdin.

For those who don’t remember the rules of Aladdin's Genie, here they are:

1. Can’t kill anyone 2. Can’t make people fall in love 3. Can’t bring anyone back from the dead

There are some minor differences between the two sets of rules. For instance, instead of the rule that prohibits you from making people fall in love, there are rules against interfering with God's work and preventing natural disasters.

I believe the writer is presenting these rules to suggest that Gu Won will eventually break one of these rules to save Do Hee's life (see the section "What's Best for You is What's Best for Me" for more). Something interesting to note is that Netflix didn't translate the whole page in this scene. There is a part of the text that says, "Killing the living, saving the dead, etc are part of God's domain". This means God is allowed to kill the living, bring back the dead, prevent natural disasters, etc. Basically, God can do all the things demons can't. Seeing this translation also made me realize what God meant when she said "turf" in Ep. 7. I'll further elaborate in the section titled, "God/Lady".

Demons vs Guardians

I'm curious about the differences between demons and guardians. When a demon becomes a guardian, do they acquire a new set of powers? Or does becoming a guardian simply mean they return to being human without additional abilities? Based on the information presented so far, it appears that for a demon to transition into a guardian, they must learn to love and be loved in return. Achieving these milestones would essentially enable them to regain their soul and humanity. It would be cool though if, upon becoming a guardian, demons retained their powers but without an immortal lifespan, similar to Lee Yeon from Tale of the Nine-Tailed!

What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love

Being a demon is comparable to the life of a genie. In both cases, the individuals are bound to fulfill the desires of others. However, for demons, this servitude isn't a mere obligation--it's a necessity for their continued existence. Unlike genies, demons must grant wishes to sustain their own lives. When I think about it, the life of a demon is quite sad because they have to spend their entire existence granting others' wishes without ever having an opportunity for their own wishes to be fulfilled. This got me thinking about what exactly was Gu Won's greatest desire or wish. Side note, y'all should check out the show Lucifer if you like mystery, devil and human romance, family drama, etc.

Throughout the show, we have witnessed that our deepest wishes and desires, can ironically, lead to our demise, sending us straight to Hell, where we are tormented by these very wishes. Take for example, Park Bok Gyu's wish to never go hungry. After he died, he was tortured by creatures with fish heads. Conversely, the mob boss, who sought wealth and power, faces a fate in Hell that, according to Gu Won, would be even more severe. These examples show us the larger the wish, the steeper the cost--meaning that if your wish is significantly large, your soul could end up in far worse places than Hell. But what's worse than even the deepest levels of Hell? Becoming a demon. Unlike in Hell, where you could finish your punishment more quickly and be reincarnated, being turned into a demon means becoming a slave for all of eternity. All hope isn't lost though because as I mentioned earlier, if you learn to love and be loved returned, you can be free of your demon existence.

I'll now provide you with what I think Gu Won's wishes were and the circumstances surrounding his transformation into a demon! Let me just say that Gu Won's wishes were astronomical. They weren't common wishes like wealth or power which would be easily granted by demons. They were wishes only God could grant.

(DISCLAIMER: DO NOT PLAGIARIZE MY THEORIES, I BETTER NOT BE SEEING MY THEORIES ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM WITHOUT CREDIT).

So, Do Hee and Gu Won were in love, but their societal positions created significant barriers. Being a kisaeng and a nobleman, they faced the harsh reality their love could not flourish in that lifetime. Now, Do Hee was forced to work as a kisaeng to provide for her family.

Due to Do Hee's status as a kisaeng, she was either sold off to someone else or, in an alternative scenario, their forbidden love led to her tragic death (who knows, maybe Jin Star's past self killed Do Hee in a fit of jealousy; maybe they were sisters?). In either situation, Gu Won would've felt a profound sense of insignificance and weakness, unable to protect Do Hee from these tragic fates. Like he must've really hated himself.

In his pit of despair, Gu Won wished he could've saved Do Hee from her enslaved position as a kisaeng or untimely death, protected her, and married her one day. Now, those are some big wishes, and remember what I said? The bigger the wish, the larger the cost. In a twist of fate, God/Lady heard Gu Won's fervent wishes and offered Gu Won a deal. God would fulfill all of Gu Won's wishes if he agreed to work as a demon.

Sometime after this, Do Hee found out Gu Won became a demon because of her and felt immense guilt. Do Hee who was a devout Christian, prayed to God wishing Gu Won would be spared from suffering such an existence as a demon. Now, God mostly fulfilled this request by erasing Gu Won's human memories (I'm going with the Grim Reaper/oblivion tea theme here haha). Since Gu Won's inability to protect Do Hee tortured him deeply, the act of forgetting lessened his emotional pain. I say mostly because God wasn't quite done with fulfilling this request.

Just imagine being God, you would have to shuffle so many things around to fulfill both Do Hee and Gu Won's wishes. Make Do Hee rich so she's not working in a slave position...check...create a situation where the two would meet (i.e matchmaker got the hotel name wrong)...check...create a situation where the two would have to depend on each other (i.e shut off Gu Won's power on the road)...check..... make them get married..check and check.....free Gu Won from his existence as a demon...ongoing. IT'S A LOT Y'ALL.

How do you save Gu Won from a sad existence as a demon and spontaneous combustion? You turn him back into a human by introducing him to the very girl who would be capable of bringing out his humanity through her love. She's the water that extinguishes the Hellfire that is about to consume him. Gu Won freed Do Hee from being an enslaved kisaeng in the past and now she's freeing him from the shackles of his enslaved existence as a demon.

Gu Won and Do Hee are each other's salvation. One cannot survive without the other. If one is killed, the other one will be too. For example, if Do Hee dies, Gu Won would either be stuck as a demon for all of eternity or combust. And if Gu Won dies, it would leave Do Hee unprotected and she would probably get killed. It's like Do Hee said, they share the same fate and are in the same boat.

What’s Best for You is What’s Best for Me...Danger on the Horizon!

On the surface, the quote "What's best for you is what's best for me", said by Madam Ju and echoed by Gu Won may seem sweet, but upon deeper reflection, it reveals a bitter truth: what's best for you is not always what's best for me.

A brief digression: I have a suspicion that Gu Won might be a long-lost ancestor of the Ju family. Why would the writer intentionally give Gu Won similar personality traits as Madam Ju or have him repeat things she said if not to suggest there was a possible familial connection? While shared traits don't always indicate a blood relation, the repetition of the same phrases is highly suspicious. I guess one reason the writer did this was to convey that even though Madam Ju was gone, Do Hee would still have someone similar by her side. However, they could've accomplished this without having Gu Won be the male version of Madam Ju.

Another explanation for why Gu Won and Madam Ju say the same phrases could be that they crossed paths in the past. Maybe Madam Ju heard Gu Won say it or vice versa. Who knows. It would be sweet though if Gu Won were a long-lost Ju family member because then Do Hee would be related to Madam Ju through her marriage to him.

Ok, sorry for the brief tangent, it's my ADHD brain haha. Now, let's get back to discussing how what's best for you is not always what's best for me. Taking the example of the mother and her sick daughter, from the mother's perspective, signing away her soul to ensure her daughter's health might seem like the best thing to do for her daughter. Yet, it wouldn't be truly best for the mother as she would be damned to Hell. Similarly, from the daughter's POV, what's technically best for her (i.e not being sick anymore), wouldn't actually be the best, as she would be fraught with guilt knowing her mother suffered because of her.

When it comes to Do Hee and Gu Won, what's best for Do Hee is to continue investigating the deaths of her parents and Madam Ju. However, this poses a significant risk to Gu Won, who is almost fully human now and no longer invincible.

This leads me to my next point. Gu Won would stop at nothing to ensure Do Hee's happiness. He's well aware that for Do Hee to continue her investigations, she would need to remain alive and safe. For that to happen, he would need to have his powers fully working so he could protect her. What this means is that Gu Won will become a full demon again. I believe this is about to happen soon because, in Ep 8, we see God/Lady looking at the moon which is now a "waxing gibbous". If you recall from Ep 2, Park Bok Gyu hypothesized that they would have to wait until the next full moon to attempt transferring the tattoo back to Gu Won so he could be a demon again. And well, the next phase after a waxing gibbous is a full moon.

I think Gu Won isn't going to tell Do Hee about his decision to become a demon though. He's going to take Do Hee to the beach and make her think it's a romantic outing and she's not going to suspect anything because they’re in a relationship now. Then bam into the water they go! The betrayal she'll feel after Gu Won does this will be astronomical. It goes back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side who, if they stabbed you in the back, you would understand. Even if Do Hee understands why Gu Won did this, it still wouldn't change the fact it would still hurt like Hell.

Would Gu Won doing this be really what's best for Do Hee? Or the both of them? Yes and no. While it would keep Do Hee alive and safe, she would be riddled with guilt knowing Gu Won sacrificed his soul and humanity to ensure she was protected. At the same time, Gu Won would become immortal again and able to protect Do Hee better, but he would no longer be able to feel love for her since demons are devoided of human emotions. Gu Won would simply view her as someone he just needs to protect to keep his end of the bargain.

Following this, I think there will be a situation where either Kwang Chul or Abraxas gets ahold of Do Hee and I think this is where Gu Won’s latest dream will come into play. To save Do Hee, Gu Won will have to kill whoever, and this will force him to break the rule that states demons can't kill. Subsequently, he'll spontaneously combust. Well, that's going to suck. Had Gu Won remained human, he could've killed whoever and not spontaneously combust. However, since he's a demon again, those consequences would apply. Don't worry y'all, I feel like Do Hee is going to wish or pray to God/Lady that she'll take pity on them and bring Gu Won back to life lol.

Abraxas..It's Still Seok Hoon

So earlier this week, I posted on Twitter how I now thought Abraxas was Seok Min or Do Gyeong based on the pillows. However, after thinking through some more things, I'm going back to saying Abraxas is Seok Hoon. That's my final answer.

Seok Hoon is a trickster/magician! He makes things "disappear" including money and people. That's why Madam Ju said in Ep 4, "You killed someone on top of all your dirty tricks?". He even suggested Do Hee let his department buy shares of her company to offset their losses which is a form of trickery since it would appear Do Hee was engaging in stock manipulation or insider trading.

The biggest trick Seok Hoon is attempting to pull on Do Hee is to make her believe he's really on her side and that he's her real guardian. Going back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side means you would gladly let them stab you in the back and understand. When you trust someone completely, it means you would let them stab you in the back because at the end of the day you know they have your best interest at heart so you would understand.

Throughout this show, the writer has made it a point to emphasize how Seok Hoon is the only one on Do Hee's side. Here's the thing though, Do Hee doesn't completely trust Seok Hoon as evidenced by how she doesn't tell him everything. The same goes for Gu Won, but he's not a suspect in the death of Madam Ju.

Between the two men in the show, who do you think is the real demon and guardian? Btw, Abraxas is sometimes seen as a demon in mythology. For me, the real demon is Seok Hoon. Even though Gu Won projects an image that he's a big bad demon, he's actually an angel on the inside. In contrast, Seok Hoon projects an angelic persona, but he's really a devil on the inside. Gu Won is the real guardian who's trying to protect Do-Hee while Seok Hoon is the real demon who's trying to kill her.

One major question I had from earlier episodes was how Abraxas/Seok Hoon knew the identity of Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol Foundation before the wedding news articles came out that said as much? Furthermore, how did Seok Hoon know the Wild Dogs were looking for him? If you remember, the Wild Dogs only found out Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol and Do Hee's bodyguard after Kwang Chul passed the note revealing as much. There was no explanation of just how exactly Seok Hoon and Kwang Chul found out Gu Won was the director of Sunwol and that the Wild Dogs were looking for him. I looked through earlier eps to see if there was ever an instance where Do Hee told Seok Hoon that Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol, but there wasn't. I think Seok Hoon probably found out this bit of info from Secretary Shin. She probably mentioned it in passing to Seok Hoon because she thought Seok Hoon was Do Hee's ally.

I'm sure many of you are probably wondering how Seok Hoon can be Abraxas when we see Abraxas chilling at Seok Min's home. Well, the thing is, we haven't seen Seok Hoon's place for a reason--he doesn't have one. Due to his "hippie" lifestyle, he engages in communal living, meaning he lives with relatives. More specifically, he resides at Seok Min's home, and that's why we see him as Abraxas there. There's a strong possibility that he and Seok Min are probably working together too. Additionally, I'm ruling out Do Gyeong as being Abraxas because I think he's trying to help warn Do Hee in his own creepy way. When it comes to the pill switching of Madam Ju's medications, I suspect Se-ra may have some involvement. According to the info on SBS, Se-ra is the daughter of a leading pharma company. As someone with a background in pharma, I was like wait a minute. While I'm not sure about the rules and regulations in South Korea, in the US, diclofenac is a prescription medication. I'm just going to guess it's the same in SK. This led me to think that maybe Se-ra provided the diclofenac to Seok Hoon.

In Ep 7, Abraxas/Seok Hoon informed Kwang Chul that Gu Won was only a demon when he was around Do Hee. This revelation led the duo to believe Gu Won's access to his powers was somehow linked to his proximity to Do Hee (they just didn't know how close). To test this hypothesis, they decided to separate the two lovers so that they could eliminate Gu Won. When this plan failed, they went back to the drawing board. At this point, the duo remained unaware of the tattoo and its connection to Do Hee and Gu Won's powers because there was nothing in the book about the tattoo transferring or how to get it back. I wouldn't be surprised if the book didn't even say how the tattoo was connected to demon powers.

It was only after Seok Hoon saw Do Hee place Gu Won's hand on her wrist with the tattoo that he realized the connection between the tattoo and Gu Won's demon powers. This is going to be important further down the line.

After realizing this, Seok Hoon messaged Kwang Chul, saying, "There's something wrong with his powers." Although not explicitly shown on screen, I believe Seok Hoon knew precisely what was wrong with Gu Won's powers. He deduced Gu Won was becoming human through Do Hee's love. This is why Seok Hoon chose to tell Gu Won he was the reason why Do Hee was giving up the Chairwoman position and investigation of Madam Ju's death. Seok Hoon strategically revealed this information to Gu Won with the intention it would encourage him to pursue a relationship with Do Hee, ultimately leading to Gu Won becoming fully human through her love. If Gu Won were fully human, he wouldn't have the powers to protect Do Hee, making them both sitting ducks for slaughter.

Seok Hoon's little plan is going to backfire, though, for two main reasons: He doesn't know one can get the tattoo back and he doesn't understand the power of love. Remember, the book doesn't tell us how one gets the tattoo back. Bok Gyu and Gu Won are the only ones who know this bit of information because they figured out the conditions (i.e full moon and ocean) had to be the same as the night the tattoo was initially transferred. Furthermore, Seok Hoon doesn't know the lengths Gu Won would go to protect Do Hee. He doesn't understand that Gu Won would essentially sell his soul and humanity to protect Do Hee (Gu Won's already done it once before in past), meaning he would become a demon again to protect Do Hee.

God/Lady

I don't know about y'all, but I'm quite frankly done with God in disguise figures in fantasy dramas. It's like in every single fantasy drama, there's always a God in disguise character that gives you hints of what will happen in the form of riddles, leaving many scratching their heads to figure out what they mean. We have seen these types of characters in Goblin, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, King Eternal Monarch, Doom at Your Service, Alchemy of Souls, etc. The list is endless.

The latest God in disguise is Lady... who goes around saving "recyclables", more like saving people. Anyway, I've seen many questioning if she’s really God. Y’all if she’s wearing a hat that spells out G-O-D in bold letters and she’s always asking money for Jesus Corporation, what does that tell you??? I don’t know how much clearer it can be that she is God. Instead of questioning whether she is God or not, maybe it would be a better use of our time if we spend it trying to decipher what she says instead.

Let's get to dissecting the many things God has said. Now, I've already gone over most of the things she said from Ep 1-6 either in the previous post or on my Twitter act so I won't really discuss more here. However, the are a couple things I forgot to mention in my last post though. Here they are:

The roulette wheel has 18 odd and 18 even numbers (36 numbers total). (18) 1+8=9 and (36) 3+6=9 all correspond to Gu (9) Won. The sum of all the numbers (0-36) on the roulette wheel is "666" which I already said in the previous post is the number of the beast/devil and corresponds to Gu Won (the combination to his safe is 666). When you flip “666” it’s “999” which is an angel number that symbolizes completion and new beginnings.

In "Divine Comedy", there are 9 realms of Hell + 1 with Lucifer = 10. The same pattern is present in Purgatory and Heaven. Gu Won's soul was in Hell and now it's in the purgatory on its way towards Heaven. Demon-> Guardian. Hell-> Heaven

On a broader level, if 1= new beginning and 0= end, our couple who's represented by the number 10 symbolizes they are each other's end and beginning. They complete each other.

The bill God is holding when she's saying, "I'm betting all my money on the odd numbers", is a 1000 bill. 1000 or "cheon" means "heaven". That scene could be intrepreted as God or the heavens are betting everything on our couple to win. Also, Madam Ju's first name is Cheon which probably means she went to heaven.

The overall conclusion I'm drawing from what God said about odd numbers from eps 1-6 is that our couple will have a happy ending after they go through some shit haha.

Moving onto what God said in Eps 7-8! When Gu Won called God/Lady, "Arabica woman", my mind lit up! Does anyone see the connection? Arabica...Abraxas. Abraxas is 7 letters and Arabica is 7 letters. In some belief systems, Abraxas was viewed as God. So, Gu Won calling her "Arabica woman" could be another hint she's God. The word "Arabica" also sounds very similar to "Abracadabra" which is related to Abraxas. Just so we’re clear, I’m not implying God/Lady is the Abraxas who’s trying to kill Gu Won and Do Hee. Seok Hoon is a wannabe Abraxas while God/Lady is the real Abraxas haha.

I also found it hilarious that God was constantly begging for donations for Jesus Corporation. It made me think about that time Madam Ju said she bribed God through donations after Do Hee said liars can't go to Heaven. Guess Madam Ju bribed God enough to earn a spot in Heaven.

When God says she knows this place like the back of her hand, she doesn't mean the train station, she means the whole world...because you know, God is omnipresent. God then tells them, they've intruded on her "turf" which means they've intruded on her domain.

What's her domain? Matters of life, death, natural disasters, fate, making people fall in love, etc. This was why Gu Won's powers would fail at the most random times or rather not-so-random times. God already has a grand plan for these two and she's keeping up her end of the bargain of the contract she made with them in the past (refer to "What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love" section). However, these two would interrupt her work so she would shut off Gu Won's powers so that they follow the predetermined path she has planned for them.

Gu Won's power failed in Ep 1 because God was creating a situation where they would depend on each other, get to know each other, fall in love, etc. In the latest power failure, God turned off Gu Won's powers to prevent them from escaping so they could kiss each other. Consider this scenario: If God hadn't prevented them from escaping, what would've happened? They wouldn't have kissed. That kiss set the wheels in motion for the romance between Gu Won and Do Hee. God was just giving them a nudge in the right direction.

The next time Gu Won experienced another power failure was later in Ep 7 when he and Do Hee were attempting to leave Sunwol Foundation. Once again, we should question why God didn't want them to leave at that particular moment. Remember, because Gu Won and Do Hee were unable to leave precisely at that time, they encountered the Wild Dogs, who then proceeded to pledged their allegiance to Gu Won. Based on Ep 9 preview, it appears the Wild Dogs will play a crucial role in finding Kwang Chul.

As Gu Won and Do Hee were leaving, we saw God telling them, "What flickers would eventually go out sooner or later". Many interpreted this scene as God saying Gu Won's powers would eventually go out. Well, duh. I interpreted this scene a bit differently because I noticed God was looking at the clock that was flickering and pointing at 1.

What does 1 symbolize in numerology? New beginning. My interpretation was that she was saying Gu Won's life as a demon along with his powers was coming to an end and that he was about to begin a new life as a human.

Gu Won should really be nicer to God lol. Look at what happened to the Prince from Beauty and the Beast after he wasn't nice to the old beggar lady...she turned him into a beast. Ohhh now I get it....Gu Won needs to learn to love or he'll remain a beast forever aka he'll remain a devil/demon forever haha (666=beast=devil).

Later in the episode, one guy advises the other to let it go and blame it on fate. This refers to an earlier scene where Gu Won was blaming Do Hee (Fate) for losing his powers. God's message is clear--Gu Won shouldn't be blaming Do Hee for his current state; rather, he should be blaming himself. After all, it's not her fault that he's falling in love with her and becoming human. Moreover, there's the possibility that becoming human was one of Gu Won's original wishes in the contract he signed with God.

In Ep 8, we don't see much of God except in the beginning. Many interpreted what God said in the following scene as meaning Do Hee had special powers that allowed her to heal Gu Won. However, I don't believe she possesses any supernatural abilities. Instead, I think she saved him through the power of love, and, perhaps prayers. If you look at the end of Ep 7, you'll notice Do Hee's hands were in a prayer position right before they zoomed in on the cross tattoo. Do Hee likely wished and prayed for Gu Won's salvation, and God granted it.

Regarding the second thing God said, I believe she was referring to the moment when Do Hee was trying to save Gu Won. Seok Hoon witnessed Do Hee placing Gu Won's hand on her wrist, setting off a chain of events that would eventually threaten her life (refer to "Abraxas...It's Still Seok Hoon" section).

Tarot

Whew! We are almost near the end of this post! There wasn't really anything of significance in terms of tarot in this week's episodes. One thing I found interesting was that the social influencer had asked Gu Won if he was a magician. For those who don't know, the 1st tarot card is "The Magician". You can make multiple connections between that, the number 1, and Gu Won, but since I'm tired of writing, I won't be further elaborating on it. I think we'll see a situation in the future where everyone really thinks Gu Won is dead, but he'll show up very unexpectedly and say "Abracadabra, I'm back!".

One last thing I found interesting was the tarot card pulled by Jung Mi in Ep 8. She had pulled the 19th tarot card, which is the Sun. This card usually indicates success, good fortune, happiness, etc. Also, 1+9=10 and Yi Sun...Sun haha. I think this card conveys the same message that everything will be okay after we go through some Hell.

I bet you all that we'll be seeing the following tarot cards in future eps: #1 The Magician, #8 Strength, #11 Justice, #12 The Hanged Man, #13 Death, #16 The Tower, #18 The Moon, and #21 The World!

Other Random Thoughts

Gu Won and Do Hee's red and green didn't refer to Christmas or Battery Charge Status. They referred to the colors on the roulette wheel. There is only one green space on a typical roulette wheel and it corresponds to the number 0. Number 1 is usually red. So 1...0....10 and 1+0=1 completion. Also, odd numbers are usually red and even numbers are black. Oh, I get why Do Hee was wearing a red dress and Gu Won was wearing a black suit now haha.

What determines if one remembers their past lives or not? Why is Park Bok Gyu the only one who remembers his past lives? Will Do Hee ever remember her past lives?

I can't believe Park Bok Gyu compared Gu Won to being a meat eater who ended up becoming a vegetarian because he met a very special pig (Do Hee) that he didn't want to eat haha.

With Madam Ju, is she suppose to be a spirit in limbo or is Do Hee schizophrenic? In Ep 8, it almost feels like she’s a real ghost bc we see her tapping her cane in hesitation after Do Hee said she didn’t know who killed Madam Ju and her parents.

I hope the Wild Dogs or Park Bok Gyu will find the bug underneath Gu Won’s desk when they’re cleaning haha. Did Seok Hoon put bugs in Do Hee’s place?!!

Was Gu Won a prince when he was human?

Do Hee’s birthday is Oct 29 (look at her phone in ep 1) which means she is a scorpio. On the SBS site, it tells about the story of the frog and scorpion. In the story, the scorpion stings the frog who’s carrying it across the river. They both end up dying and the scorpion is basically like oops it’s just in my nature to. Also, on the lovers tarot card (Rider Waite deck), there is a snake which equates to the 8th zodiac sign…scorpio! The other zodiac sign on the lovers tarot card is a lion which means Leo (5th zodiac sign). I guess Gu Won’s zodiac sign is Leo. This would also explain why he likes those lion bookends haha. Oh and lions are considered “apex predators” haha. Leo’s element is fire and Scorpio is water….hahaha Fire and Water…Gu Won and Do Hee. In most tarot decks, the 8th tarot card is justice. In the Rider Waite deck, the 8th card is strength which shows a lion.

The kiss scene with the garden backdrop looks like the lovers tarot card where Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden. I can totally see people start making theories about how Do Hee is Eve and Gu Won is Adam after reading this post 🤣. And talk about “original sin” and “forbidden fruit”. Good luck haha.

Number 15 is associated with the devil tarot card as well as the full moon (the full moon comes 15 days after the new moon).

One other theory I had for Gu Won and Do Hee was that in the past, they were in so love that it became detrimental to everyone around them. Gu Won was a rule breaker and instead of doing whatever job he was suppose to do (I.e work as a government official), he was always going around “flower watching” aka hanging out with Do Hee. Him and Do Hee forgot about their responsibilities so God punished them. Gu Won’s punishment was to be turned into a demon so he could learn to follow the rules (Gu Won did say the demon manual was a book filled with many threats haha). For Do Hee, maybe her punishment was to always be alone, meaning she would always lose those closest to her. I feel this theory is just meh haha. The other theory aligns more with the many themes in the show than this one. I would be surprised if the writer goes this route haha.

END

Overall, I don't think we'll have a sad ending. I'll definitely let y'all know if I see anything in future eps that would indicate otherwise! I hope in this week's eps, we'll get to see what actually happened in Gu Won and Do Hee's past! I'm dying to know the circumstances that led to Gu Won's transformation into a demon! Alright, that's all I have for now!

#my demon #gu won #do do hee #do dohee #jeong gu won #kim yoojung #song kang #tarot cards #there are probably grammatical mistakes #oops I sound repetitive

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imnotasuperhero · 2 years ago

Text

Some feelings, they can travel too.

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Sometimes, the greatests love stories come to an end.

TW: Cancer, grieving, major character death. A doze of smut just to add to the angst (I set it in cursive, so you can scroll past it if you don’t mind the little bits of feels)

A/N: My dudes. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m here once again with a request that was too hard to decline since it hits home and I thought it might work for some overdue catharsis. I cried my eyes out resulting in a headache, so pardon any mistakes I made. I’ve been working on this for several hours and babysitting a 3 y/o is no calm job. Hope you enjoy this over 6k monster of mine (I reached anotehr milestone and I couldn’t be prouder) And like I say, if I hurt, it’s only fair you do, too.

Looking up at the imponent building in front of her, Wanda readjusted the straps of her backpack and followed the commands of her twin, doing some breathing exercises to calm her erratic heart.

Being the new kid at school was never something Wanda enjoyed, no matter how many times she had to transfer thanks to her dearest father. She hated feeling so small and the fact that she wasn’t the best at making friends did nothing to ease her anxiety.

“Come on, Wanda!” Pietro grunted annoyed, backing his steps and grabbing her hand to drag her along.

“Do you even know where we’re going?” Wanda sighed, trying to escape his tight grip to no avail.

“I do. And if we don’t hurry, we’re gonna miss our first period.” At the annoyance tinting his voice, Wanda decided to shut her mouth and follow him to the reception.

After getting each of their class schedules, the twins headed back through the path they walked.

“Okay, your classroom is at the next hall, third-”

“I heard what the lady said. I know where to go,” Wanda rolled her eyes at the need to punch her exasperating brother.

“Okay then, I’ll see you in the next period,” Pietro kissed the top of her head, trotting towards his own class.

Looking through the small window of the door, Wanda could feel the baby hairs of her neck spiking up at the new faces unaware of her presence.

‘Please, may this year be nice,’ She begged silently to whoever God was out there.

Wanda had to remind herself not to run the small distance that separated the teacher’s desk from the door at the numerous heads turning to her simultaneously.

“Hi,” Wanda handed the white schedule to Mr. Chadman -as she read in the tag at the door. “I’m Wanda.”

The old man inspected the paper for a few seconds and nodded quietly. “Welcome, Wanda. Please be seated and enjoy.” He gave her a smile that reminded her of her late grandpa.

Looking over the classroom, she walked hunchedly to the only seat free, beside some girl with unique glasses.

“Hi,” said girl gave her a toothy smile, making Wanda smile. “Name’s Y/N,” she turned back to doodle something on the blank page of the boy behind her before fully turning to the front. Her head leaned to her expectantly.

“I’m Wanda,” the brunette mumbled as she took a seat and slowly took her books, as if trying to seem unbothered by the stare burning the side of her body.

“It’s not all the time we get new students,” you said in a whisper, for Mr. Chadman had started the lesson already. “Where are you from?”

“Um… Sokovia,” Wanda braced herself expecting the typical questions that followed, but gasped when you surprised her.

“That’s near the Czech Republic, right?” You asked thoughtfully.

“Yep,” Wanda couldn’t help but smile. Maybe this won’t be a hard year, after all.

The rest of the school day was spent with minor inconveniences, except for Pietro’s teasing when he found out she might have made a friend.

Thought that was confirmed when she heard a familiar voice calling over her.

Looking to her left, she saw you standing on a table waving at her with that characteristic smile she learned to like.

“Hi,” Wanda smiled timidly at the 6 smiling faces staring at her.

“Guys, she’s Wanda. Wands, they’re… my friends,” you giggled sitting back down, scooting over to leave room for Wanda.

“Natasha,” the redhead spoke, sending daggers to you, to which you just threw a small piece of bread at her. “Nice to meet you,” she now turned to Wanda, showing her white smile.

“How’s school treating you?” The tall, brunette boy sitting adjacent to her spoke next. “I’m Bucky, by the way.”

Before Wanda could answer you gasped, earning your friend's attention.

“Right! Wands, he’s from near your country,” you smiled brightly, almost excited.

“Wait. Where you from?” His blue eyes lighted up expectantly.

“Sokovia,” Wanda dried her sweaty hands on her jeans, gathering all the confidence she could muster.

“Not that near, but I'll take it!” Bucky raised his hand.

Laughing at the glee plastered on his face, Wanda high-fived him.

The passing days had Wanda relaxing by the minute as it seemed she had met the right people thanks to you. Granted you all could be a little too much for her to handle, but she was expectant of what this school year could bring to her.

What she didn’t expect though, was discovering you in a new light as you busied yourself with a well-used notepad. Be it because of curiosity or something she wasn’t familiar with, she wasn’t able to take her eyes off you for the past few minutes.

“What are you working on?” Wanda scooted over, sitting beside you on your bed. “Seems like your life depends on it.”

Pausing for a second, you sighed calmly as you turned to look at her. “Remember how you told me you loved to sing but you sucked at writing your own songs?” You asked cheerfully.

“Yes,” Wanda’s face contorted into one of suspicion.

“Well, I’m finishing a song you might like to-”

“You what?” Wanda all but took the notepad from your hands, reading through the black letters contrasting against the white pages.

“As I was saying, I thought you’d like to participate in next month’s talent show.

“I- No.” Wanda shook her head. “Not happening.”

“But why,” you whined, taking her hand in yours and Wanda felt an electricity wave travel up her arm. “You have a beautiful voice and it’s unfair the world doesn’t know it.”

“I appreciate your willingness in sharing your talent with me and I love this song already. But I don’t sing in public.”

“You really like my song?” You asked, your eye shining with something Wanda couldn’t put her finger on.

“Are you kidding? It’s amazing!” Wanda smiled proudly.

“Thanks,” you looked down, but Wanda could notice the rosy tint in your cheeks. But as soon as the shyness came, your stance was taken over by mischief.

“Tell you what,”

“Oh, no. I know that look and I don’t want-”

“But Wanda! I promise it’s a good thing!” You pleaded and Wanda could only sigh.

“Okay,” you paused confidently. “You sing this song in the talent’s show and I show you the tons of songs I’ve written.”

“Absolutely not.” Wanda nodded in the negative repeatedly.

“But Waaaaaands!” You whined deeply, conjuring the best pout you could, and Wanda only raised her perfectly sculpted eyebrow, clearly unimpressed.

“Besides, you dream of being a famous singer,” you continued when the silence had stretched for way too long. “How you’d make it if you don’t get out of your comfort zone?”

Wanda hated when you used her future to have it your way. But if she was being honest, she knew the day would come sooner or later, so she closed her eyes, inhaling deeply.

“You better show me all of them,” Wanda laughed joyfully when you threw yourself at her, hugging her.

“I knew you’d come to your senses.” You spoke toothily, looking down at her comfortable smile.

But said smile turned into a thin line when Wanda realized how close you were. So close she could feel your small breaths colliding against her lips like a needed breeze on a hot summer day.

Poking your side, Wanda scurried from under you. “You’re squeezing me,”

“Blandy,” you rolled your eyes, sitting up.

“I- That’s not a wo-”

“I’m the creator here,” you shrugged her off to which Wanda poked her tongue at you.

The following weeks passed in a blur as you both worked on the song Wanda would sing. Long nights on the weekends turned into a constant between you two and Wanda couldn’t help the peace she felt when you were by her side. Despite the bubbly, -hyperactive at times, charming persona you held, you were like a soothing balm to her conflicted insides, silently healing the wounds her demons left her with.

“I can’t do it.” Wanda panicked, turning to her best friend.

“You can and you will,” you grabbed her by the shoulders, making sure her eyes stayed locked with yours, making Wanda hold her breath for a little longer than necessary. “I believe in you, Wands. You’ll do great!”

“What if-”

“Nope. I’m forbidding you to go there.” You chastised. “You said you trusted me, right?”

“Always,” she answered nervously.

“Then believe in yourself, babe. You’re capable of amazing things if you just cross the line,” you smiled comfortingly, fighting Wanda’s inner shadows away.

With those words, Wanda hugged you before she stepped onto the stage after hearing her name, adjusting her guitar trying to avoid the public’s eyes.

Looking at you one last time with your supportive smile grazing your features, Wanda faced the crowd with her eyes closed as her fingers played the right chords expertly.

Picture a place where it all doesn't hurt

Where everything's safe and it doesn't get worse

Oh my

We see through bloodshot eyes

Wanda’s soft voice accompanied the soothing notes from her guitar, creating a spell that hypnotized everyone in the room.

Jump with me, come with me, burn like the sun

We'll talk, then we'll cry, then we'll laugh 'til we're done

Oh my

It's like we're out our minds

We've been runnin' for our lives

We've been hidin' from the light

We've been far too scared to fight

For what we want tonight

Wanda dared to open her eyes as she gained the confidence needed and smiled something proud at the faces full of calm in front of her.

Close your eyes and leave it all behind

Go where love is on our side

It's a trust fall, baby

By the time Wanda realizes she’s been staring at you, the last few chords come to its end. Feeling her heart burning from something she wasn’t sure of, Wanda played the last note smiling as everyone clapped and cheered at her. The adrenaline of the moment took over her, making her run to you after she walked off the stage.

“That was amazing!” Wanda giggled, closing her arms tightly around you.

“You are amazing,” you stood there, patiently holding her.

Breaking the hug, Wanda looked at your eye and felt the fire inside her burn stronger at the utter pride she found.

Before she could react, her lips touched yours, like a magnetic force dragging you together.

“I’m sorry,” she freaked when she realized what she just did. But the dreadful feeling disappeared when this time, you leaned forward, kissing her painfully slowly.

Smiling through the kiss, Wanda encircled her arms around your neck as you hugged her waist, bringing your bodies impossibly closer.

“Let me take you on a date?” You smiled when you parted for much-needed air.

“I would love that,” Wanda smiled as calmly as you, hugging you one last time hiding her face in the process, as she heard the voices of your friends nearing at a fast pace with the promise of celebrating after the show.

The stars shining over reminded you how small you were. Your small body was nothing compared to the cold rocks twinkling up in the black sky and a pang wounded your heart as Wanda shifted beside you, feeling the right side of your face burning under her intense gaze.

“Can I ask something?” Wanda’s voice was barely audible, afraid to break the calm.

Turning your head, you leaned forward pecking her lips. “Go ahead.”

“Why there’s a tinted side on your glasses?”

Closing your eyes, you sighed defeatedly. You knew it was too good to be true. Yet, you wished for the ask to never come.

“I’m blind in my left eye,” you pursed your lips, awaiting a reaction.

The gasp that escaped Wanda’s lips had you bracing yourself for the worst. You weren’t ready to give up on this living dream.

Before you could dwell too much into your sadness, Wanda’s hand cupped your cheek, as if inspecting her following actions were safe.

The burning sensation you felt on your left cheek started to prickle upwards your face as slender fingers were dragged agonizingly softly -a featherlight touch, really. Your breath stopped mid-exhale as Wanda lifted your glasses, caressing the skin beside your eye. You were thankful for the dark of the night around you, making it harder for Wanda to notice what could easily shine with the light.

As Wanda’s intense gaze shifted from one eye to the other, you closed your eyes to stop the forming tears. But what happened next had you choking a cry as Wanda kissed your broken eye and you could only wrap your arms around her waist as you hid your face in the crook of her neck, trying unsuccessfully to hide your pain.

“Detka,” Wanda mumbled with her lips against your head.

Seeing you did not move, Wanda just stood there, holding you at a weird angle that provided you the comfort you needed and you silently thanked her. You weren’t ready for this part of your story to see the light and being honest, you didn’t think you’d ever will.

“Detka,” the brunette tried once again after a few moments. This time, you complied. And the look you saw in those green eyes had you inhaling sharply.

“What happened?” She asked, combing some locks off your forehead.

“I had an accident when I was little,” you lied. “I was helping my dad with a project and a splinter got in my eye, leaving it useless.” You spoke confidently, having used the lie for so long.

“It suits you,” Wanda winked and you laughed something small, appreciating the fact she didn’t pity you. Or that she didn’t show it if she did.

“Can I have my glasses again, please?”

“You can,” Wanda carefully placed your glasses in its place, kissing your nose to move to your lips.

Humming at the contact, you allowed yourself to relax for the time being. More than ever, you decided to live your life the best way you could without thinking of the looming ghost over you.

It was a Wednesday when the fact you were a few weeks away from graduating high school hit you. And with that, the rainy day felt even more gloomy as the thought of another milestone so close, yet so far away given the condition you were in.

But that thought was pushed to the back of your mind when the honking car outside signaled your ride had arrived.

You had planned to go bowling with your friends as the last gathering before finals started the following week, determined to cherish every single second you had with the people you loved.

That’s how you found yourself fighting with your left shoe as the lights were dimmed.

“Let me,” Natasha squatted in front of you, making a quick job of your shoelaces.

“Thanks,” you smiled toothily, hooking your arms together as you walked to your friends a few feet away rooting for each one of the Maximoff twins in some game you didn’t care to pay attention to.

Once everyone was in your booth, you started the game as Pietro decided he was going first.

The afternoon was filled with laughter and playful banter and you couldn’t be happier having your friends and your girlfriend by your side.

“You’re up,” Bucky cheered you. “Show speedster how we do it,” he winked, causing you all to laugh while Pietro grumbled something you couldn’t hear.

Walking to the line, you chose the purple ball and measured your distance with precision. Balancing forth and back until you felt confident enough, you sprint to the limit line throwing the rolling ball as hard as you could.

“Wooh!” Wanda and Natasha cheered as you dropped all the pines in one shoot.

You smiled proudly as you walked back to your friends, waiting for Pietro’s commentary.

“Pretty impressive for having one eye,” he rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed that you were leading the charts.

“Who says I just have one?” You frowned, hiding the giggle in your voice. “Tony gave me a bionic eye.” You shrugged, earning a chorus of ‘ooh’s’ from the youngsters.

“What!” Pietro looked shocked at the boy adjacent to him.

“What can I say? I like helping my friends,” Tony high-fived you as you sat beside him.

That night you held onto the toilet bowl as if your life depended on it with Wanda holding your short hair up in a ponytail as you had woken up with a sudden need to empty your guts.

“What can I do?” Wanda asked on the verge of tears as she never stopped the circling patterns on your back.

“It’s okay, love.” You sighed deeply as you stood up on wobbly legs. “It was the fried egg, probably,” you opened the mouthwash and gargled the nasty taste away.

Turning around, you couldn’t help but hug your girlfriend at seeing her so small. It was at that exact moment that you knew you did good in not telling her the truth.

“I don’t like seeing you sick,” the brunette pouted.

“Having you by my side makes it bearable,” you kissed her nose. Something that had become usual between you both whenever the other needed reassurance.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed,” you encircled her waist with your right arm, walking her to the bed.

The next minutes were spent in silence, enjoying each other’s warmth. Until the air around you started to weigh.

“Penny for your thoughts?” You turned to the body beside you.

“You think we’ll make it?” Wanda’s voice trembled and you felt your heart constrict at the not-so-positive prospect of your life.

Raising your hand to her face, you allowed your fingers to caress her soft skin, tracing her features with the lightest of touch, admiring her natural beauty and the dreamy way her eyes shone with the moonlight casted over her.

“It’s just college, baby,” you reassured her, pecking her lips.

“Far away schools,” she pouted something that had you all mushy.

Pausing, you decided to bite the bullet. “I was waiting till graduation,” you sat up, rummaging through your nightstand until you found the black velvety box.

You smiled softly at the choked gasp that left Wanda’s mouth as her eyes landed over the small square.

Opening the cube, you took out the small chain, holding it between your faces, absorbing all of Wanda’s emotion at that moment.

“Oh my,” Wanda grabbed the silver object, smiling watery at the pendants in her trembling hand.

“I know how much music means to you and is no secret it’s what bonded us,” you spoke calmly. “This is a reminder that no matter how far we are, we’ll always be connected.”

You quietly admired Wanda’s eyes glued to both musical notes, the eighth note hanging lower than the sixteenth note.

“Thank you,”

The sudden weight on top of you had you laughing as Wanda peppered your face with kisses while she repeated the same two words after every kiss.

“I love you,” the brunette cried with a smile before she locked your lips against hers in a searing promise. Of what, you didn’t know; but you surely won’t stop her for anything in the world.

But what started as an innocent kiss filled with promises of a future you might never see, shifted to something passionate that burned your body from the inside out and the clothes hugging your body started to suffocate you.

“Wands,” you moaned as your hands toyed with the end of her shirt.

The brunette sat quickly, discarding the clothing on the floor and you couldn’t help admiring the pale skin that invited you to emboss random patterns on its surface. And you did.

Your hands cupped her breasts, massaging them gently as you sat up to meet her lips, drawing out her moans.

At the tug on your shirt, you parted to take it off before you attacked her lips once again, grabbing her waist to guide her against your cunt, enjoying the every sinful sound that escaped her mouth.

Not having enough, you rolled over, landing on her as you started to trail wet kisses down her body, applying everything you learned during these three years, determined to allow her to remind you when your time had come.

The primal moan she mouthed when you bite on her hip bone had your hunger increasing ten times.

“Detka, please,” Wanda grunted in a gasp, bucking her hips up trying to find what she needed.

Grazing the tip of your nose against her mons pubis, you inhaled her intoxicating essence.

If the sound Wanda freed were sinful, the guttural sob she gifted you with when your tongue lapped at her folds had you in paradise.

Repeating the action once, then twice, you gathered as much wetness as you could, moaning between every lick. As if you licked your favorite lollipop after a bitter taste.

Deciding to finally give her what she wanted, your kisses ascended up, wetting every single patch of skin you could reach, smiling at the neediness of her voice.

“I need you,” she cried as she grabbed your head and brought you to her level, devouring your lips just to moan when she tasted herself.

Taking advantage of her dizzy state, you pumped three fingers inside of her as her head rolled back breathing something so sinful that you thought you’d been cursed for life, and you didn’t complain. Moving your digits in and out of her entrance at a slow pace you groaned at how tight she felt.

“You feel so good,” you praised. “Taking me so well.” Wanda could only moan at your words, too focused on matching your movements.

Sitting up, you stilled her with your free hand, never stopping your action as you looked down at her. The immaculate way in which her body writhed under you was something you could never forget. The perfect shifts in her face’s muscles with every pleasure you provided her had you wishing for your reality to change. You wanted nothing more than to live forever just to have her this way. A vulnerable mess under your touch, trusting you her soul.

Muffling a painful cry, you leaned over to kiss her devil’s lips, hoping the knot in your throat would go away.

“I love you forever,” you cried as you increased your pace, feeling her walls clenching around your fingers. Your hips pushed your hand deeper inside her as your fingers curled up, hitting the right spot.

“Oh, fuck.” Wanda cried arching her back, unaware of your inner turmoil.

“Cum for me, love,” you commanded, stilling your shivering voice.

She didn’t need much more than a few extra pumps to cum all over your fingers, panting her way down the high.

Opening her eyes, the lust in those green orbs turned into concern as she looked at you.

“Why the tears?” She asked, bringing you to lay on top of her.

‘I’m dying’ “I love you,” you sobbed, placing your ear on her chest, desperate to hear her heartbeats full of life.

It was all so unfair. You deserved a lifetime with the love of your life. You deserve to have a family and to grow old with the woman that had stolen your heart out of the blue. You deserved to see her in white walking down the aisle. You deserved to see her achieve her dreams.

But all you had was a sand clock emptying itself by the minute and an excruciating pain taking over your stiff body. Breathing was becoming harder and harder as the will in you fought in vain to win a war you had lost time ago.

Wanda’s sobs joined yours as she hugged you tighter, unaware of the fact that the love of her life was nearing the end of her path.

The morning came and you were thankful Wanda didn’t comment on your breakdown from the previous night, for if she did, you weren’t sure you’d be able to keep the lie much longer. You knew she deserved the know, but you also knew she’d be willing to glue herself by your side and give up on her desires, and you never wanted to be that person. She deserved to fly and you could only support her with pride.

The following weeks provided little time for you and Wanda to spend time together since finals were kicking all your asses. But Wanda consoled herself knowing that you all would celebrate after graduation, proud of having achieved a milestone together. That and the prospect of having you for herself the whole summer had her squeezing her fuel tank to no end.

To say all of you had nailed the exams was an understatement as your glasses clinked together on your designated booth.

“I can’t believe we did it, guys!” Natasha smiled toothily, proud of herself.

“Next step, a week off at my beach house,” Tony proposed, earning all of your cheers.

“You sure your parents will let us all together?” Steve raised an eyebrow, always the reasonable one.

“They will. Leave it to me,” Tony winked.

“Make sure you don’t bring any toys,” you smirked as everyone laughed at the memories of last summer’s escapade.

“You wound me,” Tony faked being hurt.

Wanda’s hand rested on your bare thigh, smiling peacefully as she enjoyed the banter between you all.

Her mind took her back to the first day at school when she prayed before entering your classroom and she silently thanked all the gods out there for having you in her life. With your differences and disagreements, all of you conformed a tight-knotted group that she was sure would last a lifetime.

Kissing your cheek softly, she stood up with both your empty glasses in hand, walking to the bar for a refill.

“You’re Wanda, right?” A tall brunette took her out of her reverie.

“Yes,” Wanda frowned as she waited for her beers.

“I’m Maria. Maria Hill,” the lady introduced herself, stretching her hand. Once Wanda accepted it, she continued. “I saw you on stage the other day and I’ve been waiting to meet you,” her words had Wanda’s attention.

“I’m a music producer and I know how to spot talent,” she explained. “I’d like you to sing at the upcoming festival next month.”

“Are you serious?” Wanda’s eyes opened wide at the offer the woman was giving her.

“Dead serious,” Maria nodded curtly. “If the public likes you, we can talk business.” She handed her a business card. “Call me if you’re interested.”

With that, the woman smiled politely and walked away, leaving Wanda in a frozen state until Tom called her name.

“Warm beer doesn’t taste good,” the young man smirked.

“Right. But did you hear what she said?” Wanda’s smile grew bigger by the second.

“The only way is up,” he winked before moving to another customer.

Wanda walked back to your booth in an ecstasy state after the short encounter. She could be signed up.

Feeling your eyes on her, she looked at you, unable to hide her happiness.

“I’ll tell you later,” she mumbled to you, kissing your cheek and you smiled contently.

To say you were excited was an understatement. When Wanda told you about her offer you didn’t pause to think about your words.

“You should’ve said yes!” You smiled toothily with your own body vibrating from happiness and Wanda couldn’t help giggling at your reaction.

“I was kinda shocked,” she scrunched her nose.

“My baby is getting famous!” You launched yourself at her and Wanda burst out laughing at your eagerness.

You’ve always been her biggest supporter. Always by her side in whichever gig she got and always fighting the anxiety that sometimes took the best of her.

She’ll never forget when she showed you her first song. Your eye had lighted up like the fourth of July and the pride reflected in it had her insides warming up. And the jokes of having to quit your job but still waiting to get paid had her stomach flipping at the wondering of how you’d celebrate this time when she told you she accepted to play at the festival.

But all of that flew off her mind when she got the call from Natasha saying you’d been admitted into the hospital.

All her dreams and wishes shifted into one.

‘Please, may you be safe’ she begged to any deity willing to hear her.

Stomping through the hospital doors, she rushed to the front desk asking for your whereabouts, just to sprint the two floors that separated you both.

The air filling her lungs had become toxic and it hurt to breathe. Her trembling legs burned from the sudden running from the parking lot to your hospital bed.

“Detka!” Wanda cried entering room 274.

What she saw had her heart jumping on freefall down a cliff.

Your weakened form looked at her without the life that was so characteristic of you. All the little traits that adorned your happy features were erased as if they never existed.

Her legs menaced to give away and she wasn’t strong enough to fight back. Knees collided against the cold floor as her hand grabbed yours as if the act alone would transmit to you some of her light.

“Detka,” she sobbed as her world started to tumble.

“It’s gonna be okay,” you spoke calmly as your free hand cupped her cheek.

She placed her hand over yours, holding it tightly as she tried to understand.

Two days ago you were laughing gleefully about your vacation together and now… now you looked like a ghost.

“Come here,” you commanded weakly as you scooted over and Wanda didn’t need to think twice.

Careful not to step on any IV, she cuddled against you, choking at the warmth barely existent.

“What- Why,” she cried defeatedly as she crumpled your hospital gown in her hand.

Your arms held her trembling body, spasming with every sob that escaped her. Kissing your head, you mumbled against her. “My eye,” was all your broken voice allowed to communicate.

“It wasn’t an accident. Was it?” She should’ve caught the signs. The random sickness and the vomiting, all had an explanation she was too oblivious to note.

“It’s a retinoblastoma,” you paused, trying to steady your voice. “It had reached the majority of my organs,” you tightened your hold and Wanda’s soul cried with her at the barely change in strength.

“You can’t leave me!” She screamed between sobs. “You- You’ve- You have promised me,” her whole face contorted as another pang ran through her heart.

The news had left her weak to speak, so she stood there, laying by your side in your hospital bed, crying her pain away as she tried to process how her life would change soon. You were slipping through her fingers and she could do nothing about it other than see you leave.

“I’m gonna call Maria and cancel-”

“What?” You cut her off, looking down at her.

She sat in bed, sighing at the refusal from her body. “You’re dying,” she groaned.

“That doesn’t mean you have to pause your life,” you frowned sternly and Wanda felt herself becoming small, like a little kid being chastised because they ate too many sweets before bed.

“You’re the one abandoning me! You can’t tell me how to spend your last moments on this earth!” Wanda spits venomously, rage taking over her.

The resentment only grew stronger as you stood quiet, your sight staring at your lap.

“You have no right when you’re the one giving up!”

By the time she realized her words, your cheeks were already marked with tears running freely.

“I-” Wanda paused as a fresh wave of tears burned her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she launched herself towards you, holding you with all the will she possessed just to anchor you here. She refused to let you go.

“I’ll always be with you, Wands,” you cried, hugging her with what little force you had left.

“I’ll love you forever.” She vowed sincerely.

And she did. Every day for the next two weeks she stood by your side, telling you about the song she was writing for the festival and watching your favorite movies along with her favorite sitcoms. Even planning gatherings with your friends as you all enjoyed the last moments together.

Against her will, the day of the recital had come sooner than she expected and her heart ached knowing you won’t be there. It was the first time you missed one of her presentations and everything in her broke. Her heart shattered and she knew a part of her would go with you.

But she had promised you. And she would never break her word, no matter how hard it was to comply.

Looking at her reflection one last time, she smiled tearily as she saw your image in the mirror by her side, with the proudest toothy smile you only reserved for her. And that alone was enough to enlight her willpower.

She stepped into the white light as everyone cheered something she could really understand and she couldn’t help the rush of adrenaline running through every cell in her body.

“Good night, Westview!” Wanda smiled cheerily when the crowd erupted. “I hope you’re having a wonderful night. I wrote this song thinking of someone special and I hope you enjoy it.” She spoke confidently, feeling your joyful energy surrounding her. Finding Natasha’s eyes, she nodded as the redhead raised two thumbs up.

As the first tunes filled the silence looming over them, Wanda breathed deeply, reassuring herself.

I've tried to leave it all behind me

But I woke up and there they were beside me

And I don't believe it but I guess it's true

Some feelings, they can travel too

Wanda sang slowly, evoking every emotion into those lines.

Oh there it is again, sitting on my chest

Makes it hard to catch my breath

I scramble for the light to change

You're always on my mind

Her intrusive smile hung crookedly on her lips, feeling your presence by her side.

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

Wanda allowed her mind to travel back to the moment she first heard your voice for the first time. Back then, she didn’t know that her heart could feel so strongly for someone.

But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing

And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind

Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear

Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

And boy, how she wished to see your face in the crowd, with your toothy smile lightening her path.

And if I stay home, I don't know

There'll be so much that I'll have to let go

You're disappearing all the time

But I still see you in the light

For you, the shadows fight

And it's beautiful but there's that tug in the sight

I must stop time traveling, you're always on my mind

You're always on my mind

Wanda sang her soul in those lines, hoping somehow you knew.

We all need something watching over us

Be it the falcons, the clouds or the crows

And then the sea swept in and left us all speechless

Speechless

Her eyes watered at the realization you’d be the one watching over her. Always guiding her, even if she couldn’t see you. And she couldn’t feel more blessed.

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing

And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind

Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear

Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

As she sang the last words, she allowed her fingers to take over the melody, imagining said notes floating away to you, for all she wanted now was to see your proud smile one last time when she rushed to your side shortly.

But she never saw you again.

By the time she met her friends, her legs gave up as she saw the tears running down their faces, confirming to her what her soul had felt when she saw you in the mirror was nothing more than the bond that linked you breaking as you left this world.

The arms of her friends surrounding her meant nothing at the realization that you had left her. All alone to pick up the pieces of her heart scattered around.

Sadness reigned over the group of people gathered by your casket. Each one with their own thoughts and feelings, but if Wanda was sure of something it was that everyone there asked the same question.

How come the nicest people are the first to leave? Seeing your picture over the easel with that big smile that had taken her captive and your eye shining with that unique light it held, enlightened a wave of anger roaring free. It wasn’t fair.

“Wanda,” your mom spoke softly once the funeral ended.

Looking up, Wanda couldn’t help her cries as the woman hugged her tightly, crying along with her.

“She loved you,” she spoke against the brunette’s hair. “Until her last breath, she loved you.”

Those words played in her mind like a mantra. Maybe if she repeated them enough, it wouldn’t hurt that much.

“She asked me to give you this,” the woman gave her a white envelope when they parted away. “And one last thing? Thank you for loving her.” She kissed Wanda’s head before walking away, leaving a broken Wanda by your grave.

Sitting down, she let the silence surround her, almost like a bubble that would pop with even the softest touch, breathing twice, thrice before opening the letter.

Wands, if you’re reading this it means my body is no longer by your side. But know that my soul will always be linked to yours, for a love like ours is hard to die.

Thank you for all the great moments you shared with me. Unbeknownst to you, every single smile and laugh you gifted me added time to my sand clock and that blessing is something that kept me fighting till the end.

I know you’re suffering right now and you need to mourn, like any loss. But when you’re able to truly smile again, I beg of you not to close your heart. Life is too magical to be lived alone.

Allow yourself to feel love again, don’t fight your heart. Yes? Promise me you’ll keep your head high and not let my departure keep you from enjoying the little things in life.

I’m sorry I didn��t tell you sooner about it, but I know you and I didn’t want you to leave your life on standby while you worried about things no one could solve. Know that till the last breathing of my heart, I lived. And I hope to live forever in your memory.

The necklace I gifted you holds a meaning. I knew it deep in me the first moment I saw you that you were my forever love. And I wished with all my heart I lived long enough to grow old with you. But as the latest didn’t happen, I found the right totem to keep our love for the end of times.

The sixteenth note means the union of our souls and the sincere love we held for each other. The eighth note holds the reminder that even though I'm not present, my spirit will always guide you through your dreams, helping you achieve them. Always silently rooting for you in whatever challenge you face. Just like I always did.

No matter what, bet your ass I’m so, so, so proud of you, baby. And I always will. You were my biggest love and I’m forever thankful for you had taken me.

I love you forever. Until we meet again.

Wanda hugged the letter tightly against her chest, silently crying her pain away as she stared numbly at your whereabouts buried three feet underground.

“I’ll love you forever,” she cried, mustering all the love she held for you in those three words, hoping the wind would let you know.

As always, coments and reblogs are appreciated (:

Taglist: @summergeezburr @red1culous @wandabear @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @mitarashi-san

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda x reader #wanda maximoff #requested #my writing

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lordeemailarchive · 1 year ago

Text

Pure Heroine turns 10

(27/09/2023) (PH 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY DISPATCH)

Living in Ruins of a Palace within My Dreams

Photo by Simeon Patience

Hi,

Firstly, I wanna say thank you for your extremely supportive and kind messages after my last newsletter. I genuinely feel deeply cared for, less alone, and more sure that things will be okay after sending it! Albeit with a slight overshare hangover. I think a part of me knew that I had hit a wall, and that I needed to invite in the compassion and understand I’d been struggling to generate on my own, and then I’d have something to draw from and mirror. It feels like it’s working. I feel incredibly grateful that we have this relationship, that we can each give when the other needs it. Beautiful stuff x

Now, might U have noticed it’s 2013 mode round here????????? Yes that’s right, it’s a very special anniversary… Pure Heroine is... ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡TEN ˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚ YEARS ˚༘♡ ⋆｡˚ OLD ੈ✩‧₊˚ TODAY ! ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

You may (like me most of the time) hold the opinion that this album has been MYTHOLOGISED QUITE ENOUGH, but a milestone is a milestone, so I thought coming here and typing some shit to u about this time would be a fun thing for those who care.

2 xxxxtra special ltd time only commemorative designs by Hassan, who did the original of this bootleg tee 10 years ago❤️

It’s close to midnight, and I’ve just finished scrolling through my entire computer and phone archive from 2011-2013. Going on this memory lane ride has reminded me, for one thing, what a different time it was technologically. We were just starting to be able to see ourselves in real time, but we weren’t constantly connected. I had an iPod touch until halfway through 2013, which didn’t have a front camera or internet access, and my sister and I shared a MacBook, which is where we did our schoolwork and I wrote my lyrics. I took my first few years of selfies on Photo Booth…. Just let that… sink in!!!

Note the Royals Nat Geo pic in background— it’s happening...

When I was fourteen, my greatest work of art was my bedroom. A very cool, very classic teenage bedroom, Andie’s and Duckie’s from Pretty in Pink meets the Virgin Suicides— fairy lights, fabric on the ceiling, candles, stolen road signs (badman), paper lanterns, beer crate shelves, magazine pictures and club night posters and permanent marker on the walls. Bliss! I’d sit up there and vibe out, taking a lot of selfies. Creating a small-scale work of art using the self, and then examining the product from every angle, was the best method I had to express myself and exercise creativity at that time, and I now see it as an important PH incubation phase, whether I knew it or not. Something really amazing about a young person starting to see their own face and body for the first time, coming to a very secret understanding that they are beautiful.

I started to smoke weed, which gave me a deeper understanding of sensory pleasure, and allowed me to start to see my world as a possible work of art. I’d go on long walks around the neighbourhood, and began to mythologise the stuff around me (big empty floodlit rugby fields/bus rides/dark streets/boredom/isolation) into the motifs that would become Pure Heroine. I wore a lot of like, navy lipsticks from the 2 dollar shop. God, this aesthetic, It’s just TOO MUCH.

At some point in here, I met Joel, and another piece of the puzzle clicked into place. When you’re a teenager, you’re particularly sensitive to adults being condescending to you, not respecting the specific and finely tuned skills you have because of the ones you don’t. I was always on the look out for it, and from the first day meeting Joel, I knew that he would never give me that feeling. Which I’m sure wasn’t easy — my wallet at the time was the foot of a pair of tights that I cut off and knotted at the top — but somehow from the very beginning he made me feel like my ideas had value, like we were peers, in the most sensitive and age-appropriate way.

My view for thousands of hours making this album

We got on a call earlier this week and broke down the complete history of making the album. We both agreed that making Pure Heroine was deeply exciting and intimate and free, and still one of our most treasured experiences. I’ve linked it here.The second half of 2013 is when I really met the world, went to America and Australia and Europe for the first time. I found an incredible (for some reason Christmas themed) disposable camera image of my stage outfits all over the floor of my hotel room, which really sums up how ad hoc everything was at the beginning — a jetlagged sixteen year old, late for lobby call and frantically stuffing thousands of dollars of borrowed clothes into a suitcase.

In this stage, it felt like I pulled everything off by the skin of my teeth. Every week was the most exciting week of my whole life, I was so tired and still didn’t have a winter coat and took everyone clamouring for a piece of me completely for granted. I had zero cultural context, had no idea if an interview or TV show was huge or small, and so breezed through it all truly not giving a fuck. I am not a naturally nonchalant person, it was literally just too much to care about, I could hardly get up in the morning, so I just said absolutely whatever I felt like, all kinds of wild shit, if someone did something corny I’d say so, I was ruthless in that way that only teens are. Then through that year we went on our first tours, met you guys for the first time, hours and hours of hugs after the show, my favourite part so far and where it started to feel real for me. James took a lot of beautiful film photos through that time, and I’m really grateful he did.

Ten years goes really fast. One minute you’re wearing a leather collar with a giant crystal hanging off it to a Chanel party, and the next you’re blonde. A lot of stuff isn’t good after ten years. But I am still totally touched by this sweet record. I have deep respect for the vision of the little one making it.

Going back through all of this has reminded me of something that feels important to point out, whether you make art or not: everything starts out as a bunch of bullshit in a laptop. Pure Heroine was a handful of Photo Booth selfies and emotional Word documents and Tumblr posts (and a gorgeous over-decorated bedroom) before it was even one song. I had no reason, on paper, to believe that I was capable of anything. But if you can trust that the first impulse you had to create came from a place of deep wisdom, develop a few principles for your decision-making, and absorb a lot of stuff you find inspiring, you’ll have something special on your hands. Pure Heroine exists because I had the tiniest inkling of what I’ve now come to see as one of my guiding principles: that each of us have a handful of songs inside us that are ours, and only ours, to sing. Your specific interests and upbringing and physiology and experiences exist only in you; you are sitting on a gold mine that no one can rob. Whatever that means to you, whatever that statement you were born to make is, I invite you to take a big breath and make it.

All my love for another ten years of all this, and more, and more—

Ella XXXXXXXXXX

(source: received this email)

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imnotevenusin · 1 year ago

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Ranking the Astrological Houses

cuz y nawt

In Astrology, Houses govern each area of our lives : our home/family life, our career milestones/overall achievements, our values, our one-to-one Relationships, etc. Personally, I think some Houses are cooler than other ones, and in this post I’ll go over why.

1. The 8th House : This House is all about the possessions you share with loved ones, the possessions people share with you, intimacy, self-exploration (the occult), and tragic moments. This house rules over the taboo aspects of being a human being—things people aren’t comfortable with sharing or exposing, unless we truly let you in. When we encounter something that breaks us, we are forced to rebuild ourselves, and rise from the ashes—as dramatic as that sounds. Through this we re-evaluate our psyche. Without a doubt, the coolest and most important house.

2. The 12th House : Coming after the 11th house—our place in society—the 12th house is where we disconnect from the collective; this is where we disconnect from JUST being a Human being, and instead we connect with ALL beings. In this house, you learn that your Spirit is limitless—whether its through isolation, existentialism, or your dreams. Its a beautiful and underrated house.

3. The 11th House : The 10th House is what we build for ourselves, and what we achieve, and the 11th House is what we bring to the table on a wider-scale; really, this is our place in Society—or whatever you perceive as a Collective. I think this is also a stronger fame indicator compared to the 10th House, since it deals with large amounts of people/audiences/society/how many people you actually reached.

4. The 9th House : This is where we start taking more serious Mental Journeys. The 8th House is everything taboo; its rules over “touchy” subjects and our overall vulnerability. After we go through “hell”, we gain answers, wisdom, and belief systems. And rather than being focused on immediate interactions/environments, we start to travel outside of our comfort zones and explore—which expands our knowledge and perceptions.

5. The 2nd House : What do we equip ourselves with? What items do we value? For me, the 2nd house is definitely one of the more important Houses, because what you value dictates your whole life and how controlled you are by society (ex : Religion, Money). This is also what we gather for ourselves and how Wealthy we are. For most people, this will show our finances. Its a cool lil house.

6. The 10th House : 9th House is our answers and beliefs, and the 10th House is what we build and achieve with these answers. What is your legacy? What structure did you build for yourself? What is your greatest achievement/accomplishments? In my opinion, this house isn’t THAT strong of a fame indicator as the 11th House; it just deals with your own milestones, regardless of how many people know about it or not.

7. The 5th House : This is the most care-free house in Astrology; this area in our lives rules over entertainment and pleasure. Pleasure can range from Artistic Hobbies, Flings, Dating, Light-hearted Romance, etc. This part of the chart can indicate Children/and or having Children.

8. The 3rd House : Our baby steps; This house deals with immediate interactions/environments : Siblings, Neighborhood, School, and writing and communication in general. Like the 5H, this can indicate what type of Hobbies we get into.

9. The 6th House : Pretty underrated, as it can show you what type of daily routine, activities you’ll be getting into, and what problems we’ll deal with—health, work, errands, etc; its generally what speed you live your life at. This is also an underrated fame indicator (ex : Kurt Cobain had his 11th House Ruler in the 6th House; his artistic routines helped him with gaining attention and an audience).

10. The 4th House : The House of Privacy and Family. This house can show us our Home life and Family;the people and places you feel the most comfortable with. Having Mars in this House ain’t easy, so its lower in this ranking.

11. The 1st House : The Ascendant is the most important part of our charts, since its the most personal and specific placement—its calculated based off of what time you were born. It can give us our Chart Ruler and our physical features. The Ascendant/1H also shows us the relationship we have with ourselves. I have Chiron in this house, so its second to last.

12. The 7th House : Opposing the 1H, this is how we deal with other people—could be one-on-one relationships, partnerships, relatability, and sometimes, the public. If you have any “bad” placements in the 7H, it can indicate enemies/and or rivals; people you have a hard time getting a long with. In this house, you become conscious of differences you have with people. You’re looking at another person and saying “okay, lets make this happen”. Having Saturn in this house sucks, so its last place.

#astro observations #astro community #astrology #astro placements #astro notes #birth chart #astrology observations #zodiac #natal chart #ascendant #rising sign #sun moon rising #the stars #celebrity birth chart #capricorn #scorpio #7th house #10th house

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jennyboom21 · 7 months ago

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In 2023 actor Sophia Bush made headlines when she filed for divorce one year after a storybook wedding. By the fall it was public knowledge that she was in a new relationship. With a woman. The internet seemed to be foaming at the digital mouth for a scandal, but to those who knew her, it was clear she’d never been more herself. Here, in her own words, Bush speaks to the power of finally learning to listen to her intuition.

In April of 2022 I was close to calling off my wedding. Instead of running away, I doubled down on being a model wife. In 2023 my now ex-husband posted a lovely tribute to our first anniversary on Instagram. When I saw it, I felt the blood drain from my face. Fans and friends were telling me how exciting this milestone was and how happy I looked. I felt nothing. Things hadn’t been easy at home, but everyone says marriage is hard, right? As the day wore on, I felt mounting pressure from strangers online waiting for me to post something—what a strange part of public life to have to navigate—so I sat myself down and chose a picture.

It was a black-and-white photograph of us running away from the camera. Yes, I see the bittersweet irony now. I wrote a really nice story about the people in that picture. Except it was just that: a story. I typed something about how incredibly happy I was and tried to drown out the familiar voice in my head. Make it look easy. Make it look perfect. If your smile is shiny enough, maybe no one will notice that up close all of your teeth are broken. But sometimes broken is just broken.

I hit post. And then I walked into the bathroom and threw up.

I believe in people and ideas so deeply—and those feelings are often so powerful to me—that I hadn’t realized I’d spent the last two decades moving through life showing up for others but often turning my back on myself. This time things felt different. Maybe it’s just cold feet, I told myself. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe this was the feeling you get when you settle down later in life and have to make space for another person. There have been moments in my life when it feels like the universe is screaming at me to pay attention. This was one of them, but I didn’t listen.

I kept repeating the adages we all know so well: Relationships are hard. Marriage takes compromise. You know the rest. And so I got married. We threw one of the greatest wedding weekends ever. We had an amazing time with our closest friends and family. It was truly one of the best parties I’ve ever been to, and we raised a ton of money for charity. I don’t regret any of that.

But after the wedding I found myself in the depths and heartbreak of the fertility process, which was the most clarifying experience of my life. It feels like society is finally making space for brutally honest conversations about how hard and painful any fertility journey is, but I kept mine private. I was trying to get through months of endless ultrasounds, hormone shots, so many blood draws that I have scar tissue in my veins, and retrieval after retrieval, while simultaneously realizing the person I had chosen to be my partner didn’t necessarily speak the same emotional language I did.

As I lost track of how many examination tables I had lain on alone, I felt something in me seismically shift. Six months into that journey, I think I knew deep down that I absolutely had made a mistake. It would take my head and heart a while longer to understand what my bones already knew.

And that’s why, when I got an opportunity to do a play in London, I had to go. I had to get out of our house. I had to get onstage. I had to get back in my body. Maybe that could shift things. Maybe that would jump-start the joy I’d been chasing. The play slowly began to put me back together. It was grueling, and it was also the most exhilarating experience. I loved every second of it.

But the book doesn’t lie. The body does, in fact, keep the score. When half of our company went down with a virus, everyone recovered fast except for me. I continued to decline. I would put every fiber of my being into my performance onstage, and then be packed in bags of ice as soon as the curtain closed. I spent multiple nights in the hospital, I was pumped with endless amounts of fluids, I underwent cardiac testing and organ monitoring. It was clear that my body was screaming and I had to listen. It was hard for me to accept. I was part of a team. But I needed to go home, where my doctors (and, truthfully, my health insurance) could get a better handle on my symptoms. My time in London was over. So was my marriage. It all came crashing down at once.

During the summer of 2023, I moved back into my empty home in LA. I was separated and preparing to file for divorce, and groups of women in my life started opening up about issues they were going through in their own homes. It seemed like every week there were more of us, including [former US soccer player] Ashlyn [Harris], whom I’d first met in 2019 and who was in the process of figuring out her own split from her wife. She’d been such a kind ear for those of us who opened up about our problems during a shared weekend of speaking engagements at a fancy conference in Cannes, and soon it became clear that she needed our ears too.

For those of us who had no solution in sight or Hail Marys left, having this community changed everything. We really wrapped one another up in support. It was tragic and hard. But it was also beautiful. There were moments of incredible sadness because no one signs up to get married thinking it’ll end. The days when we knew people needed to laugh, we sent inspirational memes and silly TikToks. We read books written by great therapists and shared emo quotes from poets. Our “Begin Again” Amazon shopping list, which we created for the ones moving out and starting over, has now been forwarded to so many other women.

I didn’t expect to find love in this support system. I don’t know how else to say it other than: I didn’t see it until I saw it. And I think it’s very easy not to see something that’s been in front of your face for a long time when you’d never looked at it as an option and you had never been looked at as an option. What I saw was a friend with her big, happy life. And now I know she thought the same thing about me.

It really took other people in our safe support bubble pointing out to me how we’d finish each other’s sentences or be deeply affected by the same things. When you’re so in the trenches of hardship—plus you have the added weight of having to go through it on a public stage—it can be hard to see anything but what’s right in front of you.

It took me confronting a lot of things, what felt like countless sessions of therapy, and some prodding from loved ones, but eventually I asked Ashlyn to have a non-friend-group hang to talk about it.

And that meal was four and a half hours long and truly one of the most surreal experiences of my life thus far. In hindsight, maybe it all had to happen slowly and then suddenly all at once. Maybe it was all fated. Maybe it really is a version of invisible string theory. I don’t really know. But I do know that for a sparkly moment I felt like maybe the universe had been conspiring for me. And that feeling that I have in my bones is one I’ll hold on to no matter where things go from here.

But there was a lot that quickly turned ugly too. People looking in from the outside weren’t privy to just how much time it took, how many painful conversations were had. A lot of effort was made to be graceful with other people’s processing, their time and obligations, and their feelings. What felt like seconds after I started to see what was in front of me, the online rumor mill began to spit in the ugliest ways. There were blatant lies. Violent threats. There were accusations of being a home-wrecker. The ones who said I’d left my ex because I suddenly realized I wanted to be with women—my partners have known what I’m into for as long as I have (so that’s not it, y’all, sorry!).

The idea that I left my marriage based on some hysterical rendezvous—that, to be crystal-clear, never happened—rather than having taken over a year to do the most soul crushing work of my life? Rather than realizing I had to be the most vulnerable I’ve ever been, on a public stage, despite being terrified to my core? It feels brutal. Just because I didn’t want to process my realizations in real time on social media and spell them out for the world doesn’t mean the journey wasn’t long and thoughtful and exhaustive.

It’s painful to be doing deep work and have it picked apart by clueless strangers. Everyone that matters to me knows what’s true and what isn’t. But even still there’s a part of me that’s a ferocious defender, who wants to correct the record piece by piece. But my better self, with her earned patience, has to sit back and ask, What’s the fucking point? For who? For internet trolls? No, thank you. I’ll spend my precious time doing things I love instead.

I don’t believe it’s my place to discuss details of Ashlyn’s circumstances or her children, but I will say that I am absolutely in awe of her relentless integrity. The way she prioritizes and centers her kids, not only in her life but in the core of her being, is breathtaking to behold. Falling in love with her has sutured some of my own childhood wounds, and made me so much closer to my own mother. Seeing Ashlyn choose to not simply survive, but thrive, for her babies has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed a friend do. And now I get to love her. How lucky am I?

I sort of hate the notion of having to come out in 2024. But I’m deeply aware that we are having this conversation in a year when we’re seeing the most aggressive attacks on the LGBTQIA+ community in modern history. There were more than 500 anti-LGBTQIA+ bills proposed in state legislatures in 2023, so for that reason I want to give the act of coming out the respect and honor it deserves. I’ve experienced so much safety, respect, and love in the queer community, as an ally all of my life, that, as I came into myself, I already felt it was my home. I think I’ve always known that my sexuality exists on a spectrum. Right now I think the word that best defines it is queer. I can’t say it without smiling, actually. And that feels pretty great.

Would I have liked to make the public part of this journey a choice for myself, and not have it taken from my lips and set ablaze by gossip blogs and bottom-feeder online bots? Of course. I’m very aware, though, as we discuss bullying and harassment and being outed without consent—that I’m incredibly lucky this happened in my adulthood. I really love who I am, at this age and in this moment. I’m so lucky that my parents, having spent time with Ash over the holidays, said, “Well, this finally looks right.” I know it could have gone differently.

We’ve all learned about kids who have taken their own life after being outed or who have been killed simply for being who they are in a place or time that is threatened by their expressed joy. I am so lucky to be here, now. I have real joy. It took me 41 years to get here. And while I marvel at it, I will also make space for people’s pain. But I will not carry anyone’s projected shame. When I take stock of the last few years, I can tell you that I have never operated out of more integrity in my life. I hope that’s clear enough for everyone speculating out there, while being as gentle as I possibly can be.

After the news became public, my mom told me that one of her friends called her and said, “Well, this can’t be true. I mean, your daughter isn’t gay.” My mom felt that it was obvious, from the way her friend emphasized the word, that she meant it judgmentally. And you know what my mom said? “Oh honey, I think she’s pretty gay. And she’s happy.”

I finally feel like I can breathe. I don't think I can explain how profound that is. I feel like I was wearing a weighted vest for who knows how long. I hadn’t realized how heavy it was until I finally just put it down. This might sound crazy—but I think other people in trauma recovery will get it—I am taking deep breaths again. I can feel my legs and feet. I can feel my feet in my shoes right now. It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

It is so, so scary to do the brave thing, to say, “I’m just not happy.” Especially if you’re in a partnership and you have to say it first. But if you do it, you get the chance to be happy. To find your joy. I turned 41 last summer, amid all of this, and I heard the words I was saying to my best friend as they came out of my mouth. “I feel like this is my first birthday,” I told her. This year was my very first birthday.

#sophia bush #her gf is an ass but I’d be hypocrite with any hateration #happy lesbian visibility week #coming out #the celesbians are restless

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