#we can see what you say about us on the internet

[ms-demeanor]

Hey friend! So while I'm incredibly skeptical, I'm not strictly against alternative medicine, like you are. I saw you mention reiki, and thought you might geek out on this article like I did:

https://web.archive.org/web/20200308195914/https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/04/reiki-cant-possibly-work-so-why-does-it/606808/

It's called "Reiki Can't Possibly Work. So Why Does It?" and I highly encourage reading the whole thing. It first of all thoroughly debunks a lot of the claims reiki practitioners make but it also details all of the studies that have proven its effectiveness and provides what I find a pretty compelling explanation: that much of modern western medicine is stressful and traumatizing. Of course laying in a quiet room with the lights dimmed while a kind person sits with you and wishes for you to be well is effective. It reduces stress and all of the negative biological processes it triggers, which promotes healing.

The article mentions that for years we didn't understand the mechanism by which acetaminophen worked - we just knew it did. I knew a man who was really into "chakra therapy" in the 90s where he had a set of colored sunglasses that, supposedly, would rebalance one's out-of-whack chakras through light therapy. He found that attending to his throat chakra, yellow, helped him sleep better. Years later, formal studies found that yellow lenses filter blue light and can help regulate circadian rhythms.

When I was really little, my uncle sold magnet therapy products (which claimed to promote circulation?? I think??). I had a huge meltdown at a family reunion and no one could get me to calm down. My uncle put a blanket full of magnets on top of me, and I immediately relaxed. Imagine my surprise hearing that story for the first time as an adult who now uses a weighted blanket for stress.

I agree that people need to be really careful about these practices, about getting scammed, and especially about herbal supplements that can have dangerous interactions. I also think there's an extent to which you can analyze the risks and benefits and say, "Okay, I have no idea why this works but it does and there's no major downsides."

Hey so I get a bit heated in this response but I want you to know that I approached this ask in good faith because I know you and I know that we have a lot of the same values and interests and this touched a nerve that was not at all your fault and once I get past the direct response to the article I think I come off a little less. Um. Like the aggression there is not directed at you, it's directed at the article and at one person mentioned in the article specifically who is part of why my reaction to the article is so not good. But I promise after the last bullet point I come off as less reactive, I think. (I'm also publishing this publicly because I think it may be helpful for people to see how CAM stuff often gets away with a veneer of skepticism-that-isn't-actually-skepticism - the article claims to be skeptical but then makes a ton of assumptions and cites some truly mind-bogglingly bad sources that a lot of people won't recognize as bad if they don't have a hair trigger trained by far too much time on the bad CAM parts of the internet).

I've actually read that article a few time times, and would like to do a quick rundown on why I find it unconvincing:

She doesn't cite any decent studies on reiki; one that she does cite is just a self-reported questionnaire response from 23 people in 2002.

While we don't know the exact mechanism of action for acetaminophen, we do know that it does work - it measurably reduces fever and in double blinded RCTs produces reproduceable results in reducing certain kinds of pain. The Science Based Medicine authors cited in the article who called for an end to studies on reiki did so both because there is no plausible mechanism of action for reiki (specifically as energy work, not as 'being in a room with a patient person who listens to you') and because there is no good evidence that it works. (And they wrote a follow-up to the Atlantic article; I like SBM but it's quite sneery, as are most of their write-ups of reiki). When Kisner asks "why should this be different?" when comparing reiki and acetaminophen, the answer is: because there is not only no plausible way that reiki *could* work, there is not any good evidence we have that it works better than placebo.

"Various non-Western practices have become popular complements to conventional medicine in the past few decades, chief among them yoga, meditation, and acupuncture, all of which have been the subject of rigorous scientific studies that have established and explained their effectiveness." This one sentence needs probably twenty or so links in response, suffice it to say that western medicine has emphatically not established and explained the effectiveness of AT LEAST acupuncture and the casually credulous way Kisner accepts that acupuncture is effective (effective FOR WHAT?) throws some serious doubt on her ability to assess these kinds of things.

The title of the article is "Reiki can't possibly work, so why does it?" and that's probably the Atlantic's fault more than Jordan Kisner's fault, but she doesn't ever demonstrate that it works. She says she got a buzzy feeling after her training, she says that patients at the VA were asking for reiki as treatment for pain and sleep disorders, she says that people remembered "healing touches" from parents and loved ones and that the same mechanism might be what makes reiki 'work.' She says that reiki "has been shown by various studies that pass evidentiary muster to help patients in a variety of ways when used as a complementary practice" and the two studies that she includes that weren't just a questionnaire were 1) a non-blinded study of heart rate variability post heart attack where the reiki arm involved continuous interaction with a trained nurse and the other two arms involved resting quietly or classical music (so relaxation as a result of additional focused attention by attentive medical professionals could account for this? Why was the control for this study not having a med student sit and hold the patient's hand?) and 2) a study of patients who sought out reiki who were surveyed after treatment and noted improvement on one of twenty mental or physical markers (this study is like, GOLD for an example of a bad study; no control, self-selected participants who believe in the efficacy of the intervention, exceptionally broad criteria for a positive result - I find it really really really challenging to grant any credence to someone who confidently cited this as an example of reiki "working")

Near the end of the article she says "At the same time, this recalled the most cutting-edge, Harvard-stamped science I’d read in my research: Ted Kaptchuk’s finding that the placebo effect is a real, measurable, biological healing response to “an act of caring.” - if she read any of Ted Kaptchuk's research she didn't link to it; what she did link to was a 2018 New York Times profile of him and Kathryn Hall, researchers at Harvard's Placebo Studies and the Therapeutic Encounter program. Being any flavor of journalist and citing Ted Kaptchuk as your source for cutting-edge, institutionally-backed science is disqualifying.

I now need to do some yelling about Ted Kaptchuk.

For clarity: I have as much medical training as Kathryn Hall and Ted Kaptchuk, which is to say: None.

Hall is a microbiologist with a PhD in Public Health, so she at least a background in science. Kaptchuk is an acupuncturist with a BA in East Asian studies and a doctorate in Chinese medicine - notably NOT a medical degree; he was forced to stop calling himself a doctor and had papers retracted after enough people questioned whether the school he claimed he attended even existed and the documents he presented to claim that he was an "OMD" were conclusively translated and did not have any indication that the granted a medical degree of any kind - Science Based Medicine was involved in investigating this because they've been comprehensively anti-quack forever and Ted Kaptchuk has been a quack forever (after recieving confirmation from the government of Macau that Kaptchuk's alma mater was not a medical degree granting institution SBM STILL gave him the benefit of the doubt and had people translate his documentation for final confirmation).

He is also an author on of one of my most beloathed ever studies, which showed that sham acupuncture, placebo, and albuterol all produced the same effect on patient-reported well-being, coming to the conclusion that patient reports can be unreliable and that "placebo effects can be clinically meaningful and can rival the effects of active medication in patients with asthma." That fucking line, that stupid goddamned line, gets cited in every piece of woo bullshit about how acupuncture or chiropractic or some scam-ass diet all work, I've run into this study while looking through at least twenty bibliographies and it is one of the biggest, reddest flags that whoever is writing the paper you're reading is full up on some bullshit. Because, see, the paper found that "placebo effects can be clinically meaningful and can rival the effects of active medication in patients with asthma" in terms of *patient-reported* markers, but the fucking study found that only albuterol produced an actual effect in lung function. Here's the sentence BEFORE the one that gets cited all the time: "Although albuterol, but not the two placebo interventions, improved FEV1 [forced expiratory volume in one second - the measure for lung function used in the study and used to diagnose asthma] in these patients with asthma, albuterol provided no incremental benefit with respect to the self-reported outcomes." It doesn't matter if the patient *feels* better if they can't actually breathe! It doesn't fucking matter - feeling better but still having poor breathing leaves you more vulnerable to dying of a fucking asthma attack! I hate this goddamned study so fucking much and it's used all the time to claim that placebo can be just as effective as medicine for making people FEEL better but, like, they're still sick even if they feel better! I HAVE HAD PEOPLE CITE THIS STUPID FUCKING STUDY TO ME AS EVIDENCE THAT I DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT TREATING MY FUCKING ASTHMA BECAUSE I DON'T GET ACUPUNCTURE TO TREAT MY FUCKING ASTHMA. If sham acupuncture makes you feel better when you've got the flu but doesn't lower your fever or make you less contagious, you shouldn't act like you don't have a fever or aren't contagious this study makes me INSANE.

Okay done yelling.

I think this look at placebo in the midst of her article about reiki is really interesting because it's very common for CAM practitioners to claim that it's as effective as placebo - which just means that it's not effective. This is a great explanation from The Skeptic on why placebo isn't and can't be what Kaptchuk, Hall, and the like claim. It's also interesting to me that Kisner didn't choose to link to a 2011 New Yorker profile of Kaptchuk that is somewhat less rosy about his placebo studies and includes this absolutely crushing statement: "the placebo effect doesn’t appear to work with Alzheimer’s patients. Trivers suggests that this is because most people who have Alzheimer’s disease are unable to anticipate the future and are therefore unable to prepare for it."

But to the actual point of the ask: I honestly think it's fascinating how much CAM success probably rides on "well did you listen to the patient and pay attention to what was wrong with them and sympathize with them and help them lay out plan that made them feel like they had some agency in this exceptionally frustrating situation (chronic illness, newly diagnosed issue, totally undiagnosed issue) that they're dealing with?"

I know part of why people with chronic illnesses turn to CAM is because they're ignored and dismissed by allopathic practitioners who are largely looking for horses, not zebras - this is one of the reasons that I'm really big on reminding people that (at least in the US) DOs are fully licensed physicians who use a holistic and patient-centered approach so if you are someone with a chronic illness who has had trouble getting diagnosed or had trouble getting doctors to believe you, swapping your MD for a DO as a primary care physician might be really, really helpful to you.

But the flip side of that is that is that I worry deeply about the question of where harm starts; the example with your uncle is really great because you do have a solid instance of something working but for totally the wrong reason (pressure being the mechanism that actually helped, versus magnets being the reason given by the person who did the treatment). Some of this stuff has very little likelihood of causing direct harm, but has the distinct possibility of having indirect harms, which people in the anti-CAM space generally divide into two categories, treatment delay and unnecessary costs (opportunity costs, monetary costs, wasted effort, etc.)

I'm going to step outside of your specific example and look at magnet therapy generally, which really is a spectacular thing to focus on because it honestly doesn't have any direct harms; nobody is allergic to magnets, the kinds of magnets used aren't strong enough to interfere with medical devices, it's even safer than the whole "well herbalism is sometimes just a cup of tea" thing because there are "safe" teas that can do real harm to large populations! But simply being around magnets is not going to hurt anyone (unless they're swallowed; nobody swallow magnets please).

One of the things that I think goes under-discussed when talking about placebo and CAM is that the people trying the alternative solutions desperately WANT the alternative medicine to work (I suspect that this is why the self-selected study of reiki patients has such a significant finding). They are pulling for it; they may be looking at it as a last resort, or they may be hoping that it will work to avoid a treatment that is more frightening, expensive, or inaccessible. I think this actually contributes a lot to the delay of care that we see with CAM.

The absolute worst case harm I can imagine from magnetic therapy is delaying treatment. Let's suppose we've got a diabetic patient with gradually increasing peripheral neuropathy; they have reacted poorly to gabapentin in the past and are looking for something more natural, and they hear from their chiropractor that magnet therapy can be used to treat neuropathy. They buy some compression socks with "magnetic and earthing properties" and sleep in the socks. Whether through the compression controlling some edema or through the simple desire for the socks to work, they feel some relief from the nerve pain they were experiencing and decide that this is a success. The socks work! They continue wearing the socks with occasional pain, but less than before. However, because they are focused on the lack of pain, they don't notice that it's accompanied by increasing numbness. The numbness significantly increases their risk of injury to their feet, which significantly increases their risk of amputation.

It probably sounds like catastrophizing to say "using magnets could lead to amputation" but honestly I don't think it's that far out of the realm of possibility (every time I post on this topic I get flooded with the saddest stories in the world about people whose loved ones died because of delayed treatment for cancer or heart disease).

The second category of harm is cost, which is honestly pretty minimal with magnet therapy, as long as you aren't spending $1049 on a magnetic mat

or paying a chiropractor to give you magnetic treatments. For some other medically harmless treatments like reiki, cost is the thing that I worry about - while I was looking up information related to the article I found that people are charging anywhere from $60 to $225 a session, and selling multi-session packages for thousands of dollars - and if someone thinks that something works, even if it only works by being in a soothing space where someone cares about you - they'll pay for it.

I'm aware that all of this is also extra complicated because of the cost and lack of access to allopathic medicine - a chiropractor broke my spine because I could pay her $60 per appointment but I couldn't pay $125 to see an MD when I didn't have insurance. People who are sick are going to look for treatment; people who have been denied treatment or dismissed by doctors are going to look for alternative treatments.

But man, I really wish I'd spent that sixty bucks on half of a doctor's appointment because the chiropractor didn't know about the benign tumor that I had that weakened the structure of that particular bone when she did her adjustment; it also didn't make the pain go away, it made a different pain start and get worse because it turns out I was having debilitating muscle spasms that then had a bone injury added in on top.

(Chiropractic, for the record, goes with chelation therapy and many many many many cases of herbalism where it's NOT just cost or delay; people claim these treatments are harmless and they are not. They can do tremendous harm).

But yeah I'm not going to deny at all that all of this would be a hell of a lot better if people (especially marginalized people) didn't have to jump through hoops to prove to a doctor that something is wrong with them, and didn't have to do so in an appointment that attempts to cram whole person care down into fifteen minutes, and didn't have the possibility of bankrupting you. Interacting with allopathic medicine is a nightmare and I totally understand why people want to look outside of it for treatment.

I've just heard too many horror stories and seen too much predatory CAM to cut much of it any slack.

At the end of the SBM response to the Atlantic article, the author (I can't remember if it's Gorski or Novella) makes the point that reiki is a spiritual practice, and that we've known for a long time that spiritual practices can improve a person's well-being in a number of ways; they can reduce anxiety, they can provide community, they can give people a space to feel and express emotions that they certainly aren't going to be able to process in a doctor's office. Spiritual practices can be wonderful, and we know there are a lot of people who they can help. But they aren't medicine, and attempting to replace medicine with them (which I don't think that most reiki practitioners are trying to do, to be fair, but which Ted Kaptchuk DEFINITELY is in trying to 'harness the power of placebo') is a disservice to people who need an inhaler instead of acupuncture.

Also, and I know this was not your point but I have to bring it up because people ask about it whenever discussions of placebo come up:

The placebo effect is not treatment. The placebo effect, whether achieved through deception or when someone says loud and clear "this is a sugar pill" does not improve an illness, but it may improve how a patient *feels* about an illness. In some cases, this may as well be the same thing - if you're dealing with muscle pain because you're stressed and no matter what you do it doesn't go away because your shoulders are always up around your ears and you're grinding your teeth and you're sleeping poorly, then literally just talking to someone who is in an office and says "this is a sugar pill, go ahead and take it" may make your muscle pain feel better, but it isn't going to reduce your stress and it isn't going to last, and if your muscle pain is because you're feeling angina as a result of a partially blocked artery then it SURE AS FUCK is not going to make you better and may mask symptoms that were a warning sign of a much more serious problem. People who are sick deserve actual treatment, and placebo is not treatment, which is part of why Ted Kaptchuk makes me want to tear my hair out.

[bananonbinary]

#also part if improving is killing thise motherfuckers if they do nothing about 1) or accept 2)#just saying

no the fuck it isn't. people on the internet talk a big game about killing people, but none of yall can honestly give me a real game plan for fixing society that includes that. do you really honestly believe that "become better, or we will murder you" is conducive to people actually getting their shit together? that the constant threat of death will actually make them more altruistic or kinder or compassionate? do you really believe that has EVER worked, in the history of the entire world?

better question, who's going to perform this sort of justice? the state, like it does now? you want the state to have the power to kill people it doesn't like? cause once again, i would like to see a single example of a state wielding that power responsibly and not just using it against political enemies.

or maybe just the People will enact this death penalty, without any due process. we can just lynch the people we don't like!

and what's the deadline, anyway? how long are they allowed to be in the reformation process before we deem them Failed? days? months? years? or is it instant, and people who do something bad should know mere moments after the fact that they need to change, or they're never going to? you can't say "this person changed over time, so they're okay, but no one else can have that chance" with a straight face. the only way to be internally consistent here is to give people space to change, while also taking steps to prevent them from causing further harm.

i am uninterested in your revenge fantasy. this post isn't ABOUT what you think people "deserve." it's about how SOCIETY as a thing made of many people should function, and "but we just kill the bad ones" is not and never will be a part of that.

also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.

there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.

you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.

but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.

[thekoalapastriesbakery]

THE SEAHORSE PRINCE

jenson button x royal!trans!male!reader

request: mmmm seahorse reader??? this is gonna be niche and you can say no, and I'm thinking jenson but you can change it maybe a smau of royal!trans!reader, whos already disliked by the country for being trans, and then announces he's pregnant and the country is like 'out of wedlock?' and then he announces he's married to jenson, or something :)

summary: baby button breaks the internet.

warnings: hate comments, transphobia, outdated views, gossip pages, mentions of/imagery of pregnancy + babies, swearing, probably wildly unrealistic but fuck it we ball, no written parts!

youruser_priv

31 likes

youruser_priv nothing like letters from my love to cheer me up after yet another meeting to discuss how much my country hates that i'm trans :D

tagged jensonbutton

                comments

friend1 head up, you'll get through it <3

friend2 you guys are borderline disgusting with how adorable you are

advisor you're nothing but a pleasure to work with, prince y/n

youruser_priv advisor we've been over this! just y/n, please :(

jensonbutton happy to provide a distraction whenever you want one, love ;)

youruser_priv

22 likes

youruser_priv reading + my new twin!

royal baby coming to a palace near you in 2025 💙

                comments

friend1 OMGOMGOMG

friend2 I BETTER BE THE GODPARENT

friend1 i think not??? i'm clearly a better choice???

youruser_priv fear not, there are two positions available and god knows none of j's racing buddies are getting the title ...

jensonbutton youruser_priv i'd argue but i agree—friend1 and friend2 are definitely better candidates 😂

jensonbutton can't wait to see my favourite person become a father x

youruser_priv yes yes very sweet now come cuddle me before i start crying

royalgossip

1,283,489 likes

royalgossip NEW ROYAL ON THE WAY?

Prince Y/N of England, famously the first openly transgender member of the royal family, has been spotted out and about with what looks to be a baby bump!

Controversy has sparked over these appearances as the Prince is believed to be unmarried. Will the baby assume their place in line for the throne, or will they be disowned as they'll be born out of wedlock?

Tell us what you think of this shocking revelation!

                comments

user1 so what, it's not enough that he has to be an embarrassment, he had to have a bastard child?

user2 honestly disappointed that he hasn't been disowned yet :/

user3 these comments are disgusting, y/n's entitled to a private life as much as anyone else liked by friend1, friend2, and others

user4 ooh i wonder who the baby daddy is 👀

user5 probably a footballer or a businessman

user6 girl imagine if it was an f1 driver

user7 user6 imagine if it was lewis upgrading his title from knight to prince LMAO

                one year later ...

youruser_priv has made their account public!

youruser

liked by sebastianvettel, kit.connor, and 2,841,990 others

youruser 5 down, forever to go <3

happy anniversary to my wonderful husband (whom i married long before we had a child, promise) and introducing baby button-l/n!

i can't wait to explore this chapter with you both, the loves of my life 💙

tagged jensonbutton

                comments

user8 fucking WHAT

user9 plot twist of the century???

user10 where's that person who said it was an f1 driver i want them to tell me what lotto ticket to buy

user6 that's me! 🙋 unfortunately that was just a lucky guess haha

user10 user6 aw man :(

jensonbutton today, tomorrow, and every day after that, i love you forever my darling 💙

user11 oh i just KNOW that jenson bragged to lewis about outranking him in the monarchy 😭

lewishamilton he did.

user12 ASDFGHJKL

user13 that onesie is so adorable omg

fernandoalo_oficial jensonbutton i would've been a fabulous godfather cábron

jensonbutton you're not exactly making your case by swearing at me in the comments section of my husband's instagram post?

fernandoalo_oficial i still would like to have been considered?

youruser fernandoalo_oficial rest assured that you were definitely in contention! j and i were just worried about how much time you (any racing drivers) would be away or living in other countries, so we went local!

user14 oh he's so sweet how on earth does anyone hate him??

©thekoalapastriesbakery :: please do not copy or rewrite my work on any platform !!

author's note: it was SO hard to find pregnancy pictures where reader was both racially ambiguous and not over-the-top feminine you don't understand 😭 i know some of them have little bits of skin and i'm sorry but i swear these were genuinely the best of what i could find 💔

comments + reblogs appreciated!

credits: all photos found on pinterest!

taglist: @raizelchrysanderoctavius @crispysoup318 @op-81-lvr-reblogs @ncrsbrg @spoonfulofmilo @justaf1girl @widow-cevans

[skyfallscotland]

The constant "maybe you should have re-read Fourth Wing and Iron Flame before jumping into Onyx Storm, don't blame the author for you being confused" posts are getting on my last nerve.

Stop being a pick me. Do you think we're all over here saying there were "so many people" because we're referring to Lynx & Baylor?

Sorry, I'm upsetti spaghetti. I was fighting for my life with my brain trying to remember all this in the first ten chapters, sorry I thought it was going to be important 🙃

Duke of Calldyr - short blond beard, four different consorts in four years

Duchess of Elsum - dark brows

Duchess of Morraine - high pitched voice, golden-brown skin, ruby earrings and necklace

Duke of Luceras

Queen Maraya - light brown skin, dark eyes, curly hair

Captain Anna Winshire - talkative, strawberry-blond, brown eyes

Captain Henson - female, tightly woven black braids, air wielder

Lieutenant Pugh - male, blue eyes, farsight

Lieutenant Foley - male, agrarian (plant-wielding)

General Tinery - in command of the Southern Wing

Ewan Faber - stocky, sour-faced, Navarrian Fourth Wing wingleader

Iris Drue - wingleader of Navarrian First Wing

Theophanie - long silver hair, high cheekbones and full mouth, pale skin, tattoo on forehead, beautiful, venin sage or maven

They were all introduced in the first ten chapters. Of a 60+ chapter book. This doesn't include description only characters, dragons, or places.

She did a really good job in the last book of introducing the Assembly as "silver beard" or "battle-axe", getting their descriptions stuck in our heads before we moved onto actual names and that, in my opinion, worked really well. That kind of technique can sometimes be greater than throwing a whole bunch of names in off the bat like she did with all these captains and lieutenants, especially if they're not going to be important.

Sometimes giving them a name is giving them significance—to me, it signifies to the reader hey, these people are going to be around a lot, you should know them!

I've also seen people saying "well there's a map and an index" ...these people aren't on there. The Isles aren't on the map. I have no visual for where we're going. If you're worried about spoilers, you can always put the "new" map at the end of the book for those who want to see.

I'm not 'blaming' Rebecca Yarros. She's allowed to make whatever choices she wants, it's her book, but these are choices she's made that she could have made differently, and I don't think it's kind to be calling other people idiots because you think we're all out here forgetting who Tecarus is because you only took in the surface level.

How are we supposed to know who is going to be important? We don't know where the story is going and all of this is getting shoved at us one by one in the opening chapters.

Also, as a generally nice human being, if I were on the other side of this discourse, I would have said "I'm not sure how people are so confused, what are you missing?" Not, "sorry you're too stupid to understand, maybe you should not be reading fantasy" 😃

The internet has made it far too acceptable for people to be rude to others. We're allowed to all have our own experiences and disagree. You can do that without denigrating other people's opinions and gatekeeping fantasy? Ew.

I don't dislike Rebecca or the series in general, I think she did a fantastic job with introductory world-building and introducing characters in the first two books, it's why I like it so much. The techniques she used worked. I just don't think she used them as effectively this time 🤷‍♀️

As I constantly say, if you only read it on surface level, if you're just here casually for the vibes, I love that for you! I wish I was you! But the toxic positivity can fucking go.

[lonesilverw0lf]

I hope whoever decided to read Id is enjoying it. I had a random thought for the class: how big is it? Like did only one classroom get Isekaied, or did a whole graduating class get it? Like the Class of 2018 or something? I’m assuming it was a singular class since even towns can have a sizable year for students. That can be a lot of characters to try to create. Not impossible, just a lot of work.

MC: rouge-ish, stealth, wild magic(?), mild immortality?, disguises, Heroes’ Shadow

Prez: leader, commander, fighter, strategist

Tomboy: fighter, pretend damsel in distress

Bully: barbarian, orc in laws

Prepper: ranger-ish, survivalist,

Mama: logistics, underworld connections, torture encouragement

Goth: Outerplane connections (warlock?), craftsmanship (of an undecided sort)

Clown: support, morale, bard, jack of all trades

Football jock: Paladin

Flower girl: potions, poisons, botany

Queen Bee: insect control(unwanted)

Influencer: cult creation(unintentional)

Skater: slacker,

Chess student: Pokémon summons, tactics

Art student: scouting magic

Teen Mom: lore keeper, record holder, divination, domestic support, fairy friend, mother

Baby: cuteness, defend at all costs, morale booster

Rat: size shifting, mascot, food vacuum

I think I got all that right at least. Lemme know if I missed something and I’ll edit the list. That’s 16 characters not counting Baby and Rat so far. Nor any Fantasy Land characters. Theatre and nerd kids were mentioned, and one otaku, but I haven’t seen anything else come up for them. I know I introduced Skater, but not quite sure what to do with him. I had a thought about him becoming a sort of messenger/runner to put his skater skills to work, but also not entirely sold on that.

Do we have a straight mage character decided? I know all the Party have a degree of magical ability, but did someone decide on who would dump all their points into sorcery? I can see Otkau mayhaps going that direction, going all Elder Scrolls/Elden Ring Sorcery would be right up an otakus power fantasy but then again what kind of otaku is Otaku? Does Goth get anything from her Patron other than cell phone service? I wouldn’t mind seeing her become a bit of a cross between Teen Titans Raven and Frieren. From my understanding she’s not a physical type so spells would work for her fine.

Thanks to this post I was granted a couple thoughts regarding a piece of technology that I have tragically overlooked which is a goldmine for comedy and usefulness: Goths Phone and her bargain. Whatever her deal was to get cell service, assuming that she accesses earth’s internet, this also implies that her phone has unlimited battery as well. So the Party calls home first thing they can so they can let everyone know that they’re alright. Then they take turns with it when they’re feeling homesick. They can also use it to get blueprints of various devices and designs, certain details of things like the best metals to prevent infection, search videos explaining certain subjects, use it to video and photograph their adventures, and so on.

I can’t decide what’s funnier: either a) she is now a walking cell tower that the Party uses. (A kinda short one at that, especially compared to how tall Mama is. Are we really sure they’re actually siblings let alone twins? I know that’s what they say but can you blame me? Are we sure their parents didn’t just snatch another baby out of her cradle?) So the Party has the advantage of using their phones to a limited degree, mostly for sending messages to each other since communication is vital in this world. Each person using her as a reference point whether they have service or not. The closer the better of course. Instead of having three bars they say they have ‘three Goths’. Awake she’s most ‘receptive’, asleep less so but you can still get a signal, unconscious/hypnotized/etc. has zero. Or maybe just the tiniest bit so the Party can track her down if necessary.

Or B) her phone is the only one that works and so the Party kinda ‘take turns’ using/stealing/borrowing it for various reasons. To call their families when feeling homesick, reference some history or scientific tidbit for their current situation, take pictures/videos of certain books/places/things/etc, how the football team is doing, check for updates on their favorite fanfiction, etc. They barter and trade for Phone Time creating a sorta sub culture surrounding the Phone. Goth is all dramatic when she doesn’t have her Phone.

I didn’t come up with situation A until I was halfway through writing this.

~

Goth, in the fetal position and murmuring, a dark haze surrounding her: Life is suffering. To deny suffering is to deny existence. And so we are inextricably linked to it.

But why? Her Phone has been borrowed so Influencer can use it to stream. Hence she has been bereft of her phone and now is bored.

Influencer: And with that we’re going to have to start wrapping up this Stream! Thank you for taking the time to teach us about this local board game, Mr. Farmer.

Farmer: Mah pleasure Missy! Anything to help out ta Heroes Party!

Chess: Less heroes and more normal teenagers right now. And thank you for showing me how to play this game! Now if I can just find someone else to play it with.

Farmer, looking at Goth: Ar ya sure that one is alright?

Influencer: Oh she’s fine, she’s just being dramatic. She does this every time.

Farmer: Ah, like a catto ya? One tha didn’t get tha cream?

Chess: Yep! We’re trying to find a pair of cat ears to make a little headpiece for her when she’s like this. Here’s your silver.

Farmer: Silver?! Milord I can’t-

Chess: No lord stuff, we’re just normal people right now. I know we agreed four copper for the board game, but the rest is for taking time out of your day and being so patient with us. Think of it as a thank you gift.

Influencer: Mr. Farmer, do you want to say anything to the people on the other side of this?

Farmer: I just talk to tha little box ere? And they can see me good ya?

Influencer: Yep! Just like we talked about earlier!

Farmer: Ah thanks ya folks fer listen’ to an old man go on about his favorite game. Er, is that good or?

Influencer: All the stuff on the side? Oh that’s the other people talking. They’re all saying thank you for being on this stream. A lot of them seem to be interested in making this game back home and trying it themselves.

Farmer: Ah! You’re all too kind!

Chess: Here, let me walk you back to the village.

Influencer: Be safe Chess! And so what did you all think? An interesting game for a small farming and logging village so far from the road ya? And all handmade too! Kinda makes me wonder how many games our own world used to have like this that have been lost over the generations….I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that HotdogMan. You know the rules, I really don’t want to ban anyone…. Yes we’ll try to bring the game back with us so Earth can play with it as well.

Influencer: Ohhh~ that is so nice of you! However this isn’t a normal stream….Yes I’d love donations just as much as the next gal but in Fantasy Land there is no way to access a Patron- Patron, Patrón, Petrol, Patren. Pttthhh! PATREON! Ugh, what are words? Yeah, we can’t access any of that money. And Fantasy Land doesn’t accept Visa or PayPal either.

Influencer: Well I’d love to stay and chat more but my Time is running out here so we’re going to have to wrap up! As always a great big thanks to Goth and her Patron…..um……Chat I haven’t even started attempting the name and you’re already making fun of me!!😭…..There are like no vowels in its name so of course it’s hard! Ugh, ok here goes. Thank you Ktchre-, no Cacgken- guh, Crushzu- argh…. I know how to pronounce Cthulhu Chat, its name is not Cthulhu. I wouldn’t be made fun of by y’all if its name was that simple….. No PolyPomPoms, it’s an Extraplanar Entity. Gender isn’t a thing with it. No its gender isn’t fluid, either. How do you get even fifty genders in the first place? That doesn’t- The point is it doesn’t have one!… No I don’t know how that works and quite frankly I’m not going to ask.

Influencer: As always: stay safe, be nice, be awesome, and hopefully we’ll be here again next week! Fantasy Land Adventures signing off! Bye~!

After packing up her setup Influencer walks over to Goth.

Goth: -even when the sky is overripe, it withholds its bounty. Thus here we are, bereft of its-

Influencer: 🙄Alright Goth, here’s your phone back.

Goth: Life has returned! The sweet succor of-

Influencer: 😑 And here I thought I was bad. Or that Bee was annoying when she couldn’t get her Java anymore.

Goth: You know, I was thinking…

Influencer: Dear god, please not this again.

Goth: There is a way to do this without all this torment and suffering.

Influencer: 😓Of course it is.

Goth: A path that would benefit both our desires.

Influencer: Don’t say it Goth, don’t you dare say it.

Goth: You could-

Influencer: I’m warning you!

Goth: -make a pact with my Patron.

Influencer: AAAARRRRGGGG!! We’ve been over this a gazillion times! No!

Goth: It’s excited to talk to you! It wants to help! I’m sure it can give you a wonderful deal! Probably better than what I got…

Influencer: It -wants- to make me its Chief Cult Leader! It -wants- me to convert everyone into its cult! Just like every one and thing else around here! I got enough problems fending off every blasted religion, cult, government, and organization out there, don’t you start harping on me too!

Goth: Cmon, what’s a half dozen cults?

Influencer: I’m still not over that little ‘celebration’ in that one town. I can only imagine how bad it could’ve been if Clown didn’t help me reword myself to make it just a drunken celebration instead of something worse. Remember I almost got that one Holy Order nearly come down on our heads for that? I am not starting up anything else if I can help it.

Goth: Don’t act like you’re special there, we all have nearly run afoul with many such groups. Remember when Prep killed that one holy animal thinking it was just a random Fantasy Land critter? Or when Football flirted with the wrong Lady in Waiting? Also you don’t seem to mind the Base.

Influencer: Because they tried to sacrifice me, so I had no choice! Thank goodness MC ungagged me there. Base is reasonable only because Mama and Prez got things under control! I can’t handle that kinda pressure.

Football: Here you two are. Where’s Chess?

Goth: He’s walking that farmer back to his village.

Football: Hm. Prez wants everyone in the Command Tent. We’re due for another Meeting.

Influencer: So soon? I thought we were going to have that Tuesday?

Football: That was the case, but since it’s Prez I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.

Goth: Alright then, let’s go. Hey Influencer, just think about-

Influencer: We are done talking about this!!

Football: Er, what did I miss?

Goth and Influencer: It’s nothing.

Football: Right. ‘It’S nOtHiNg!’ Geh, women.

The standard 'entire class gets isekai'd to a fantasy world and the outcast MC is basically discarded' anime setting, where the MC, now assumed dead, decides to instead help the class of Heroes in the shadows, making sure they live up to what the people need.

However, the entire class knows that he's alive and are hellbent on dragging that son of a bitch back into the spotlight and to give him the recognition he deserves.

(And maybe because he was basically the entire class's Little Guy™.)

[ask-philgraves]

Just posted on my main blog ( @maxisanangrywell ) about the whole situation with Ghostslollipop. This will be the absolute LAST thing I have to say about her, period.

I stand by my previous statements that I have NEVER sent hate towards her. I sent two asks, BOTH of which I have tagged this specific blog so she knew it was me. I would NEVER stoop so low as to send people hateful content in their inboxes, especially since I myself, have been bullied and heavily abused my ENTIRE life. I know what it's like to be kicked onto the ground and ran out of a social media platform because that has happened to me many times over the course of my stay here on the internet as a whole.

I don't have to prove how kind I am, or that I wouldn't do shit like she is claiming. The internet will believe what it wants, and I REGRET not screenshotting my asks I sent her, so I can further prove she is the one that blew up on us first for little to no reason at all and is now dragging us through the mud because she wants her five seconds of fame.

I use fucking Grammarly, because I did flunk out of school, and I don't know how to spell certain words like Resturant, or where to put the comma because I also have a fucking Traumatic Brain Injury from a car accident three years ago.

I only have these two blogs, and another side blog that is PRIVATE because I post my collages and art shit on there privately. I can't link it even if I wanted to. These, for all intents and purposes, are my only fucking accounts.

I did reach out to her. Once to see if we could try to change the coarse language she used in her original post so a Minor wouldn't get more death and rape hate from people who supported her view, a SECOND time to apologize privately, and a THIRD time to publicly apologize and ask her to join an open discussion about how we can stop tag hogging and make the experience of the fandom better so the front page isn't all Ask blogs.

She repaid all of this, to send me a DM falsely accusing me of sending hate to her, and then attempting to run a smear campaign in a now deleted post that was filled with hypocrisy, hate, malice, what I presume Jealousy, and over all fucking ignorance.

I don't mind other opinions at all. In fact, I said ANY fan fiction artist whether you draw, paint, write or whatever, has a problem, you are MORE than welcome in my DMs or ask box or to tag me in a post containing criticism of things we can do better.

I won't allow a fucking ignorant person ruin my name, my friend's names, or spread their ignorance because they won't simply fucking communicate like an adult and want to spread half -truths and lies.

I stand by what I said, @ghostslollipop. Take my apology, and shove it up your fucking ass. I refuse to apologize to someone, or show them respect they are not giving anyone in return. Delete your posts and leave the ones bashing us, that's fine. I NEVER had a problem with what you said, just how you implied it and the tone you used because your actions have consequences just like the rest of us.

We have owned up, We have checked our community. Ourselves. You have continued to keep throwing fuel on the fire while we're trying to rebuild and anyone with eyes can see that. You're destroying your own mental health and your own space by claiming ignorance and pointing fingers at everyone while taking 0 accountability for yourself.

I genuinely hope your mental health gets better and in the future you can reflect on this and become a better human being, because this shit right here? This tells me you're hopelessly toxic, and angry. Angry enough you are willing to take it out on other people then claim ignorance.

I'm done speaking about you, you've had your fame on my blog. You and your friends can continue sending hate my way, but that just proves you're desperate and grasping at straws to try and make me, a person who has been nothing but cordial to you, into a villain. That's fine, I've played a villain role before. You aren't going to run us out of the community, you're going to end up making yourself look more like an idiot than you already have.

Take my name out of your mouth and I'll offer you the same courtesy.

As for now on, I don't want a single fucking peep about Ghostslollipop on anyone's blogs. I don't want anyone talking about this ever again. Let her stew in her own anger like a dying flame drowning in wax. If anyone does, beyond this point, I will not be interacting with you in any way, shape, or form.

This is Cassie, angrily signing off.

[ashleywool]

face, diamonds, excitement, (magnetic resonance) image

I'm so excited to report that this Friday afternoon, I'm finally getting some new headshots taken...of the INSIDE of my head.

That's right, folks. After showing the lab work and pleading my case to the fine folks at the Friedman Center (and they really are terrific), ya girl finally got her brain/pituitary MRI approved.

Miraculously, I recovered from COVID ridiculously quickly. The symptoms resolved over a couple days, and I was already testing negative by Wednesday. Two more antigens and a PCR test later, I determined I'd be in the clear to be in my friend's wedding, although I still wore a mask--and the patron saints of Amazon search results blessed me with this set of KN95s, which included a bright blue one in the EXACT COLOR of my bridesmaid dress.

I never thought I'd be sitting here actively hoping to have a literal brain tumor, but between the fatigue, the listlessness, the lack of appetite, the stubborn and aggressive weight gain in spite of a lack of appetite, the fatigue, the significantly compromised immune system (this bout with COVID was my third weird viral infection in two months), the obnoxiously slow wound healing (there's a staple-scratch on my hand that's been there since March), the skin-thinning and skin-drying, and did I mention the fatigue...it sure would be great to have a straightforward answer and a clear path forward.

And, most importantly, it's the perfect excuse to be dramatic.

Just imagine the not-as-anonymous-as-they-think-they-are message board posts: "Ashley Wool teases a possible brain tumor as a last-ditch attempt to stay relevant in the Broadway world." "I heard she grew it on purpose just like those ovarian tumors." "Gurl well I heard the bitch was actually kicked out of Broadway Bares 'cause her autistic ass couldn't handle the noise." "Well I heard the bitch got hit by three zebras and a monkey. I can't stand the bitch no way."

Oh by the way, you can still donate to my Broadway Bares page and you totally should. The Friedman Center is a collaboration between Mount Sinai and the Entertainment Community Fund and is supported by grants from BC/EFA. We gotta pay it forward.

[heartepub]

pulling a page from kae's book (ha), annotations of annotations—because every day I think about how lucky I am to know someone I can trust to handle my stories with care, unpolished as they tend to be even as they are posted :"))) I feel like I yapped way too much and this isn't even all I have to say about SITO—yikes I will be very easily tempted to do a deep dive into SITO I'm not even joking nobody test me

this is one of the best pieces of work you will find not only on svtblr, but on the internet as a whole.

cried a lil actually!!!! it's such ridiculously high praise, but I'm happy that out of all my works (including the ones I will be writing in the future), it is this one that received these words. it's probably very early to be so sure, but I'm not joking when I say I wouldn't mind SITO to be the work I will be remembered by as heartepub.

this was a stellar device used for getting into the characters' head and describing them, and the eventual payoff of it just makes the story all the more heart-wrenching.

if I think too much about this praise from a comm major I fear I will start bawling—the screenplay format was a challenge insofar as it assumes a translation into a visual format (the film itself). so there are bits where you can get into the interiority of a character, but it's not as conducive of a format as prose conventionally is (at least if u consider, for example, tolstoy explaining his characters' thoughts vs what happens on the onscreen adaptations of anna karenina). still, the screenplay format plays with exploring what is captured and shared vs what remains privy only to the characters, which you also mentioned :')

having seungkwan and the MC discussing [shotgun] marriage afterwards feels like a smoke screen. 'look, the world may be ending, but there is a young couple asking hypothetical questions and falling in love.'

the images of walks home, shaky confessions, button exchanges. and the hints of what's happening, what's to come: mild dust storms, a barren world.

this was such a lovely way to put it, and I think of the tensions between literature and history, as far as stories of ordinary people are concerned (ie pachinko with "history has failed us, but no matter.")

the blight and its effects are lifted from interstellar—the famine that eventually resulted in finding other worlds to inhabit. the shohikigen mv got me thinking about setting all the d+ scenes after sk was in a spaceship, or smth like in love wins all mv where they are targeted, but I ended up with this universe, exploring the period from the start of blight to the resource wars (ie this is pre interstellar movie, set not in america but in south korea). hence that scene w the jokes about a spaceship w funky gravity as a nod to the source material

on button exchanges—it's a thing in japan where boys can give the second button of their gakuran as a way of confessing. probably the uniforms in this universe are different, but one of the reasoning for it in its original iteration is that the second button is closest to the heart. felt apt for this couple hehe

we've been privy to their romance so far, but this moment— what might be considered A Last Good Day, even, since this is d-4— isn't even perceivable in its entirety. there is only so much that we can see about their relationship on-/off-screen, both in a literal and metaphorical sense.

oh, the last good day as something not perceivable in its entirety got me. on tears of mokpo—surprisingly the melancholy of the song in the sense that it speaks in the voice of a heartbroken lover was not the forefront of my choice, but I adore how it was what you grasped from your reading. I think it's smth that would be especially melancholic retrospectively, when sk would have been rewatching the footage and remembering what the song was about.

in another vein, though, the main reason i chose tears of mokpo was to hint at the war—jeju had been just ceded, and though I didn't say it was japan, tears of mokpo was a song that had allusions to the harsh occupation korea faced as an annexed territory. alternatively to both the lovers reading and the revival of tensions w japan, it can be read just generally as a hint on conflict and the suffering that awaits, or just sk being an boomer soul and singing a trot song about mokpo since you're in mokpo

we look, and memorize, and catalogue.

we r back at didion (chz)—lists and inventories initially had a bigger role in SITO, but I like how looking and memorizing played a role at multiple points: the looking before the joke on shotgun marriages, before leaving for the trip, when mc would look at him for longer every morning anticipating the conscription, and at the final moments in d=0

and of course seungkwan looks and catalogues as he goes through his memories—both the ones in his mind and ones on film, and their interstices

i was struck between the eyes by the violence of that act [cutting any scenes], because this very much feels like the crux of reconstruction/memory/narrative. seungkwan is in charge of what will be remembered; how the MC will be remembered. i adore the ambiguity of whether the scenes reflect a stitched-together film or whether we're following along seungkwan's review. equally, there's just something gutting about this playing out in some perverted version of what MC and seungkwan joked about i.e. a world with electricity, where seungkwan had free reign to do what he wanted with all the gathered clips.

the blurred fiction and reality was largely inspired by the manga goodbye eri, which [spoiler-free summary] follows a boy who was asked to film his mother's final moments, and how the output led him to meeting eri and filming her as she went through her final moments as well. (pls read it the twist halfway through made me gasp). the screenplay format also was a bit of a nod to fujimoto's paneling being quite cinematic, in that it wouldn't look out of place in a storyboard (true not just for GE but for chainsaw man n look back as well!)

one of the hardest parts was deciding the order of the scenes—though I was set on it being nonlinear, and that there should be a mix between screenplay formats and regular prose, the sequencing was the hardest. the only one I was really set on was that there had to be a screenplay format scene before the line "Seungkwan replays the footage again". [Actually that conversation w Vernon is my favorite scene and one of the first ones I wrote; many things were structured around that so that it could stay in the final version haha]

I chewed a lot on a lot of things as I wrote. how memory can be altered by trauma. how every time you remember something, especially a traumatic memory, small details may have changed; until at your nth recollection there is another story entirely. how there is a line between being the subject of your memory and being subject to it. how building something back implies it was lost—and isn't that us with all our memories, as there is no way to live them again?

film as narrativization, and memory as self-narrativization, to a certain extent. the intentionality that both have, and some of the unintentionality of memory as well, or the unconscious ways trauma may shape it. hence: remembrance is reconstruction, reconstruction presupposes loss.

there is so much to love here, so much to adore in the stylistic, technical sense, but what comes to fore for me is this: viv's respect for the dead/dying.

as someone who has experienced loss, it bled into my writing, and I remember seeing a lot of myself in the vulnerabilities seungkwan and wonwoo but that's neither here nor there had. how deeply personal some parts of SITO were :') as you said—"how do we even begin to prepare for loss? and how do we live with the knowledge of how much we're about to lose?". some losses you grieve for before it even happened, others hit and you're left trying to fit your arm inside the stump that was left

the initial SITO draft had the death offscreen, hinted only through d- and d+ scenes. it was a nod to the greek tragedies (I am never beating the ancient greece nerd allegations)—despite having much death, they always occur offscreen, as a way of keeping the dying moments sacred (and not a spectacle for theater). so I'm glad and comforted to know that the death here, at least, was handled well.

a heart's a heavy burden. and you were seungkwan's heart, weren't you?

see gakuran trivia :) i swear this bowled me over. what a lovely lovely way to summarize the overarching narrative of his grief

i'd skipped over seungkwan's line here. twice as many stars as usual. let's look up together.

this scene came to me last, but i do think it was the best way to end the fic—also the only scene I teared up writing :') mentioning the two headed calf wasn't even in my original outline but! here we are and I'm glad it panned out like this. the two headed calf lore—that it barely lives past 24 hours, and the part about the museum in the poem itself—are all intentional details + allude to the conversation mc and sk had on what if our story makes it to some funky museum someday.

kae is right in that it presumably happens the night before d=0—but I present one more possible interpretation for extra pain w a side of blurred fiction and reality and memory:

it's the same cornfield as where mc dies. the stars in the screenplay are described as startlingly clear, with a low POV, but there's a bit previously (their convo after the sunset) where it was mentioned that the footage becomes grainy once there's not enough light. the good night as a goodbye. you don't know if the […] before sk's reply was just by chance, or because he knows it is a goodbye and he is reliving the memory (in his narrativization, is the "let's look up together" a final entreaty, and the "I'm tired" proof that it fails?), or if it s a made up memory entirely. :)

smth smth that one quote that goes "we find ways to cope, if not heal", etc.

a discussion i've had time and time again is whether a person can be complimented on their ability to write grief. is it a insult, to be told that you write about grief well, when it takes an acute understanding of loss to be able to pull it off? i haven't figured that out yet.

I don't have an answer for it either, but trust that I am honored if you say I write grief well, at this point in time. Perhaps when my own losses were fresh, the answer would have been different. There is a lot to chew on in conversations where trauma is often squeezed out for art. If not insult, it could definitely be something a person isn't quite ready to hear yet, if grief is still fresh. I feel this dilemma is one of those questions that is something you live with than find any concrete answers to (a la rilke). yet I think that writing grief well, for me, is being told I am doing justice to the memory of a person I still cherish :')

kae ohmygod . grief's familiar rooms genuinely making me vibrate rn cos . that whole bit of seungkwan walking through his home as it exists both in memory and film? just—yeah. bachelard's the poetics of space was among the things that held my hand as I wrote this (didn't reread it per se but I did remember the gist of topoanalysis). idk, something about how the house has embedded memories and emotions, and how the house you daydream in is often the house you have lost

ily and in return have one of my favorite poems on grief (since I already quoted cold solace in lrpd HAKDSDJ), as well as probably the song that not a lot of people know but I included in the recommended listening (paris paloma nation rise pls).

once again just . so so grateful to have befriended kae—I think that in the sea of trying to navigate caratblr as a baby account, feedback and friendship like this truly keeps me going and reminds me that there are people out there who hold my writing with so much tenderness :') in awe at just seeing how stories gain new life as they are received by different people, yet the reverberations of emotions persist as they move from one heart to another.

something in the orange

summary. remembrance is also reconstruction. reconstruction presupposes loss. a meditation on memory, narrative, and grief. and, of course, love. pairing. boo seungkwan x gn!reader genre/tags. ANGST, (semi-graphic) major character death, interstellar au-ish (just the blight), non-linear narrative, blurred fiction and reality if you squint (sorry I reread goodbye eri while writing), unbeta’d (mistakes are my own) wc. 5k suggested listening. love wins all, iu // 消費期限, seventeen // triassic love song, paris paloma // eight, iu prod. & ft. suga // yawn, seventeen // something in the orange, zach bryan (or niall's cover)

notes. midnight in korea now; happy birthday kwannie! this is very experimental, and admittedly i'm not fully satisfied w it, but I didn't know how to change it atp. sorry boo, it's your birthday but i give you pain. as always, reblogs are appreciated and come say hi if you're so inclined 🫶🏼

D-17 EXT. SEOUL TRAIN STATION – KOREA – DAWN The sun rises over the ruins of Seoul Station. The air is clear of smoke and fog. A shot of the sun peeking over the heap of steel, glass, and cement that once served as the station’s framing. The train tracks run to the far horizon, to the left and right of the frame. Pan to YOU (young-looking though age is ambiguous, former writer, love of SEUNGKWAN’S life) squinting at an old, battered map of Korea’s train lines, and a compass. You’re wearing battered jeans that are slightly too big, boots, and a sturdy leather jacket. Behind the camera, SEUNGKWAN (male, young-sounding though age is ambiguous, former video producer) narrates.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         BOO-log number 529. We’re now figuring out how to get to Mokpo. Neither of us are any good with directions, but my partner decided that we could try following train lines since the none of them are running anyway. You look up at the sound of his voice, noticing the camera.

                YOU             (exasperated, but fond)         Kwannie, are you filming again? We have 30 batteries, but not all of them might be working. You might need to save battery and memory if you want to video the view of Jeju Island.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         It’s okay, I really just wanted to record us before we start. Once we’re walking, I won’t use the camera as much. And I have twenty other SD Cards!                 YOU             (not surprised)         Okay, we’ll definitely figure something out for the batteries, then.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Yeah. Now— Seungkwan’s voice changes to a more formal tone, as though he were imitating a newscaster.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S., CONT’D)         What are your thoughts as we start our newest adventure? The camera catches your grin. You follow along, changing your tone to an impression of those backpackers in TV documentaries.                  YOU         Um, I’m excited to see Jeju-do, even from afar, because it’s part of Seungkwannie, and we had our honeymoon there. As long as we’re careful, I know we can do it. If we’re lucky, we may even find someone who can bring us across. Beat. You look ever so slightly awkward in front of the camera.                 YOU (CONT’D) Wait, here, give me the camera. I’ll record you this time. The footage shakes, briefly showing a tiled floor, then train tracks, before panning to a blurry face. The camera shakes for a moment before the image comes into focus, revealing a beautiful young man with dark hair. Seungkwan does a better job at the “interviewer voice”, but you’re no slouch either.                 YOU (O.S., CONT’D)         So, Seungkwan-ssi, what are your thoughts as we embark on a new adventure?                 SEUNGKWAN             (genuine)         I think it’s about to be wonderful.

D–2183

When the Blight started, both you and Seungkwan were in high school. Though only having known you since that start of your third year, you’ve quickly wormed his way into his life—visiting his house, having dinners with your family, and he even managed to force you into joining the badminton club with him.

Bees now officially extinct, the news proclaims, an effect of the ravaging of nearly all plant life. Asia in particular has suffered; the widespread rice shortages due to it becoming impossible to grow resulted in widespread famine. The extinction of plants used for feed, made food prices across the board skyrocket. Corn, it seems, is the only crop that can resist the Blight—and the rest of the world now has to adjust its staple food to mimic the old Americas.

“Seungkwan.” You prod his ribs.

“Mm?”

“What would you do if the world ends tomorrow?”

“Marry you.” You laugh, until you realize he isn’t joking.

“What?” Your voice pitches to an incredulous squeak.

“Marry you,” he repeats.

“Why, though?”

“I always wanted to get married,” Seungkwan replies, after a moment of pondering. “And if the world ends tomorrow, as of today you’d be my best candidate for marriage.” 

For a moment, you just look at him, eyes tracing over his features. Your steady gaze makes him shift, uncomfortable, wondering if he said something wrong. Eventually, you shrug, though there’s a twinkle in your eye as you quirk a smile at him.

“While I don’t support shotgun marriages, I’d make an exception for you and the end of the world.”

His breath catches, heart stuttering as he tries to parse your answer in his head. “Wha—you—”

“Come on, Seungkwan, don’t dish it if you can’t take it,” you groan, flopping sideways to plop your head against the armrest. Your legs tilt as you do, your foot brushing against his calf. He tries not to jolt at the contact.

“I’m sorry!” He pouts, trying to calm the uneven fluttering of his heart. You laugh, shifting your lean in the opposite direction, so your head lands on his lap. Despite having done it a thousand times before, he traces softly the way your hair falls, admiring the way its color contrasts with the color of his pants.

(Looking back, he’ll think about how that day changed things, even just by a little bit; how his gazes grew longer, noticing more how the sunsets glowed against your face as you walked home together every day, painting you golden. How you’d both gotten used to creative ways of shelter when mild dust storms come, thanking your luck each time that you had gotten home before it truly began.

He’ll think about how, a year from that day, he kissed you as he walked you home for the last time before you enter your separate colleges, swallowing the teasing took you long enough from your lips as he finished his shaky confession. 

He’ll think of how you exchanged second buttons like those characters from that anime you liked did, and the quiet promises to make things work even as the world seems to turn more barren than both of you can follow.

He’ll think of how three years from then, he gets on one knee, to your tearful yes and salty kisses. Your small marriage, with just your families, batchmates, and some professors, followed by a beautiful honeymoon in Jeju. Despite it all.

None of these decisions had anything to do with the end of the world, but you and Seungkwan made them, nonetheless.)

D-9 INT. A TENT – A TRAIN STATION SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SEOUL AND MOKPO – NIGHT The footage is grainy due to the lack of proper lighting; the camera shakes as Seungkwan seems to be trying to balance it on something. The tent is quite cramped; the inside is sparse, with only two sleeping bags and your knapsacks—Seungkwan’s with two camping pans attached with a carabiner.  The leather jacket you were wearing is now resting on one of the bags. You have both swapped your sturdy day pants for more comfortable, albeit worn, sweatpants. Out of context, it looks like a vlog filmed by two campers on a hike. The camera steadies as Seungkwan moves away. He moves to sit beside you. There is an easy intimacy as you thread your fingers together, almost mindlessly.                 SEUNGKWAN         BOO-log number 531. We passed by a sign that said Nonsan. That means we’re probably halfway there.                 YOU         We made progress better than expected, didn’t we? I estimated at least two weeks.                 SEUNGKWAN             (nodding, excited)         I thought the train tracks would have been ruined, since the stations are, but they’re surprisingly reliable.                 YOU         It’s true; of course there were times when we had to find our way around the tracks, or climb above anything that fell down over it, or go through some cornfields, but mostly, it seems we’ve been lucky.                 SEUNGKWAN         By the way—everyone, it looks like we’re in a tent in the middle of nowhere, doesn’t it? Don’t be fooled, we set this up in a convenience store.                 YOU             (laughing)         You ruined it! Now we can’t be funky backpackers with a tent on the train tracks.                 SEUNGKWAN             (playfully lecturing)         It’s good to be truthful, you know. What if kids watch this someday? We have to be good moral people.                 YOU             (with the remnants of a laugh)         Okay, okay. We set this up in the Seven Eleven inside one of the train stations. Abandoned, obviously. We made it in right before the dust storm hit.                 SEUNGKWAN         Another good news today is that we managed to barter something for food.                 YOU         Yeah. This one engineer or something—I think he’s a veteran? But we saw him tinkering on his porch and offered a trade, his corn for our cables, and now we have dinner.                 SEUNGKWAN             (joking)         It’s not jokbal, but it’ll do, I suppose.                 YOU             (groaning)         Oh my God, what I’d give for some jokbal right now. With bossam. And soju. SEUNGKWAN         I’ll be dreaming of that tonight.                 YOU         Anyway, everyone, we’ll end the log here, so we have enough batteries for a nice long BOO-log at Mokpo. Both you and Seungkwan wave your corn (dinner) at the camera. You reach forward, covering the lens with your palm. The clip ends.

D–20

Seungkwan walks around the house. He’s doing his last checks, checking between what’s in his bag and what’s in the rooms to parse if he’s missed anything—batteries, your wallets, matches, passports, birth certificates, first aid kit, water bottles, toothbrushes, all the canned food in the pantry, the sturdiest kitchen knife you both owned (wrapped in two layers of cloth), the Swiss knife he was gifted a few years back, flashlights, a whistle, and all the carabiners and hard cash you had were already packed.

He finds you in your shared bedroom. There are a bunch of wires there, evidently cut from various appliances. You’ve wrapped the cables as neatly as you could manage. On the bed, you’ve laid all your dry-fit shirts and the sturdiest pairs of pants you both have. Then, from the dresser, you’ve collected the most expensive jewelry the both of you own—well, all of them, but you separated the expensive ones in another pile. He points to the latter.

“What’s that for?”

“If cash fails, maybe gold won’t. I don’t know, just in case the currency collapses. But they’re worth bringing all the same.” Also, you hold out copies of both your health insurances. He opens his knapsack and quickly stuffs them in the same place as your other documents.

“Last resort kindling?” Seungkwan offers, showing the cluster of documents in his compartment. The remark draws a quick breath of a laugh from you.

“Probably.”

“How about the wires?”

“You never know when we’ll need some emergency engineer bullshit; plus, if it comes to it, the wires will probably be better barter material. Before you ask,” you hold up one hand, “I edited a zombie novel a few years back. But if that kid was pulling out of his ass, we’re fucked.”

Despite your disclaimer, the no-nonsense, matter-of-fact way you’re handling the situation makes something settle in him, as though all he needed was an anchor amid the chaos. He pulls you close, placing a kiss to your temple. The tension in your body melts as you press against him. For a moment, Seungkwan just holds you. A temporary anchor before you need to move.

Turning to him, you offer a quick peck to his lips before holding up his trusted camera bag, worn as it is. “Bring it,” you tell him firmly. “We need a little bit of happiness. Get all the SD cards you have, too. In case we just never leave Mokpo. It’s small enough to stuff in our pockets.”

Seungkwan can’t help it; he grabs your face and kisses you. The camera bag sits between you awkwardly, but he doesn’t care. He savors this, the familiar taste of it, the contours of your face that his hands have long since memorized. You pull away, but not before kissing his lips again, then his nose. He’ll never quite get used to the way you look at him, as though there is something new to love each time.

“We’re gonna be okay, my heart.”

D-4 EXT – A LONG STRETCH OF BEACH – MOKPO, SOUTH KOREA – SUNSET The camera captures a breathtaking sunset. The sky is a wash of oranges and pinks, the clouds purple yet lined in the light of the sun. Mokpo is on the southwest side of Korea; the view of the sunset is particularly beautiful, as the sun sinks down into the sea. There are faint silhouettes of islands both near and far from the shore. The waters are tranquil, and there are no sounds except for the steady wash of the waves on the shore.

The shot slowly pans to you. Your expression is tranquil, despite the dirt and tears across your clothes.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)             (soft, so soft you don’t hear)         Pretty.                 YOU             (clueless)         Hm?                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Nothing. Can you see Jeju Island from here?

He already knows where it is.                 YOU             (laughing softly, a little sad)         To be honest, I don’t know which piece of land I’m seeing is Jeju. A finger appears at the edge of the screen.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         There, that’s Jeju. Right behind the blob that looks like a hat.                 YOU             (squinting)         Oh! Right, that’s what it looks like. Beat.                 YOU (CONT’D) The view is beautiful. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the sea. Seungkwan hums the opening to Tears of Mokpo. You don’t recognize it until he softly begins to sing the opening lyrics.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)             (singing)         사공의 뱃노래 가물거리면…                 YOU             (laughing outright)         That doesn’t have anything to do with Jeju! He sings louder just to spite you. You playfully roll your eyes. Bending down, you unlace your boots and take off your socks, sinking your bare feet into the sand with barely-concealed relish. Seungkwan stops singing as he knows what you’re about to do.                 SEUNGKWAN         Careful; don’t step on anything sharp. As you move forward, the camera follows you. It is revealed that the beach is not so picturesque. The sea seems to have dried up some, and even here, bits and bobs of life float on the surface and linger in the sand.

There are the usual culprits: plastic bags, empty cans of alcohol and soda, and snack wrappers. Yet visible also on the camera are the following: bullet shells, shrapnel, a chair leg, a ragged pillow, and a cracked desktop monitor. As all this is visible, the camera centers on you laughing, splashing in the saltwater and enjoying the breeze in your hair.                 YOU             (calling; audio faint)         Kwannie! Come here! A beat. The camera zooms in on your face.                 YOU         Kwannie, come on! Hurry up!                 SEUNGKWAN             (proximity makes his voice loud)         Okay! A rustle. The camera is laid down, cloth (Seungkwan’s jacket) obscuring part of the footage. After a nudge, the cloth disappears from frame. Another figure, barefoot, joins you.

D–119

Jeju has officially been declared abandoned, lost for some other country to use as farmland. The radio announced the treaty ratification today. Seungkwan is a spectre around the house, listless and heartbroken. 

Months ago, when the conflict began to escalate in earnest, he began whatever arrangements he could to ensure his family was safe, moving them as near to the farming areas as he could manage and encouraging them to share whatever techniques they knew could help former cities now learning how to farm. The news does not make the sharp pang of grief dull any less.

He is at the age when he is to receive a conscription notice; Korea has since shifted its system to split soldiers into those who will either fight on the front lines of the Resource Wars, or serve by tilling the land and ensuring that there is enough corn for the population, however dwindling. There is no guarantee on which one he is to get, even if he did register himself as head of household (and should hypothetically be assigned the latter), but he is due to receive news in a few months’ time.

The promise of the notice hangs over both your heads. In the mornings, you spend ten more minutes just looking at him, as though you were memorizing the shapes and contours of his features. At night, he curls into you more tightly than before; once you’d have complained that it was too hot, now, you simply wrap your arms around him and let him sink his face into your hair.

“Hey, Seungkwannie.”

“Mm?”

“Let’s go on a trip.” The hand mindlessly running through your hair falters. 

He pulls away, looking at you with a furrowed brow. You keep your head low, pressed against his chest. “What?”

“Let’s go south. Yeosu, Mokpo, whatever, just near the beach, as close as possible to Jeju. Just…just see it, even from afar.” At his silence, you barrel on. “If we walk enough, we can make it in two weeks—a week if we can hitch a ride with one of those crop trucks or something—and then just another two weeks back, if we don’t settle in Mokpo outright.” 

“Food—”

“I can pack us as much as I can. We’ll need to ration, and possibly trade, but we can do it. The treaty is in place, and it’s most dangerous up north right now. Going south isn’t as big of a risk, and the weather has been looking good lately.” Finally looking up, you cup his cheek, tracing the skin with your thumb. He presses his lips to your wrist.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to Kwannie. I just thought you might want to say goodbye.”

“I…” he falters. It’s tempting. Unbearably so, despite the nagging at the back of his head that it would be better to leave it at that, keep his memory limited to the days you spent there dodging dust storms and falling in love. He doesn’t know how much it’s changed. How much the ocean might have even dried up. He doesn’t know if he can stomach to see it. “Give me a few days to think about it?”

“Of course, Kwannie. All the time you need.”

D+29

Seungkwan’s life has been demarcated into two. Before, and after. He goes through the motions of the government-run fields: waking up, clocking in, eating breakfast, tilling the soil, weeding, lunch, the occasional drills in case they were still expected to fight, transporting corn from one warehouse to another, dinner, sleep. Repeat.

Not a lot of people are here; many prefer to till fields they own, or collectively own; for once, agrarian reform straightened itself out at the start of the Blight. Yet with the dwindling population—slowly withering family trees—those lands acquired by the government grew.

Sometimes, Seungkwan thinks of home. He was lucky enough that the head of the center, Seungcheol, was kind enough to register his name as part of the deployed cadets under his supervision, despite the incomplete paperwork he had when he stumbled into his field, frail and dehydrated from lack of food and water.

Home remains now only in his memory, and in every replay of the Christmases he captured on camera. The soil is more unforgiving than before; it distracts from the loneliness.

EXT. A SMALL FIELD, WEDDING VENUE – DAY The wedding is humbly decorated with dried corn leaves fashioned into flowers, as there are no real ones anymore (none within the budget, anyway). Guests came as they are, though everyone has made an effort to clean up more than usual. It is currently the reception, and the speakers are playing a quick beat. The guests are dancing, laughing, and cheering, though their movements are blurry and almost smeared onscreen (step-printing effect). In the middle of it, you stand, the only still figure in the frame. You’re smiling softly to someone behind the camera, very clearly in love. Cut to Seungkwan, in a similar position, the guests around him dancing as but blurs. He is wearing a similar expression. He begins to walk forward.

You meet in the middle, still the only clear figures to the camera, and begin to dance.  As though the dance were a spell, the surroundings cut to: INT. A MEDIUM-SIZED LIVING ROOM – NIGHT EXT. SEOUL STATION, IN RUINS – DAY INT. YOUR TENT (MAGICALLY ENLARGED) – NIGHT EXT. LONG STRETCH OF BEACH (UNPOLLUTED) – MOKPO – SUNSET Hold this image for a moment. The sea laps at your ankles. The bottom of both your garments brushes against the saltwater, but neither of you seem to notice. Both you and Seungkwan close the gap to meet in a tender kiss. Suddenly, cheers. You part, and are back to: EXT. A SMALL FIELD, WEDDING VENUE – DAY The newly-married couple smiles and waves. The bottom of their garments are damp.

D+167

It seems surreal to have all the batteries he wants, and even a computer where he can replay all his footage—more than 4000 hours’ worth of it. It took a few months of work to earn enough credits and rank to access it, but Seungkwan pursued the goal with single-minded purpose. There is enough electricity in this center to run a few computers, and Seungkwan is its most regular customer, painstakingly going through each clip on the dozens of SD cards he has.

For footage so far back, from when you had just been married, there are parts where he no longer remembers what happened after the clips end. They remain in his memory as but colored ghosts, warm-tinged with nostalgia. Cabinets that would never be opened again, now filled, in his dreams, with infinities.

The house of his memories blurs with the house of his oneirism. In both, he subsists on sleep and daydreams. But memory will betray; it won’t tell him if the house he remembers has been altered by each remembrance. So he watches his videos. He walks through his house, now only alive in video and reconstructed by memory. He sees himself and he sees you, in all the different iterations you both were. Wonders if he could stitch both into narrative. Wonders if he could even bear to cut any scenes. He’s never thought about the violence of that act until now.

Inventories do not just catalogue possession; they also measure the potential of loss. It was a quote from one of your writing workshops, discussed over a late dinner. You could still afford some meat then; Seungkwan had saved just enough for a small slab of cured pork, which you would cut tiny slabs from for both of you to enjoy before bed.

He has five minutes left of his designated slot with the computer.

Seungkwan watches, and he catalogues.

D=0

Seungkwan only remembers in flashes—a gunshot. A scream. It’s only when he replays that moment in his mind that he realizes it was his voice. Barely a thud as your body is cushioned by the corn leaves. Dark red liquid, somehow both grainy and slippery on his hands as he drags you into the thick of the field, away from the path, trying desperately to stem the blood while minimizing your trail. Until finally, he collapses, feet unable to bring him a step further.

More flashes—your eyes, only ever kind. Even at your last moments. The way you hold his hand and place it over the pocket you keep his SD cards, as though reminding him one last time. The way your eyes search his face, first desperate, and then resigned. The way he leaned in when you opened your mouth, to hear your final words, only to feel the ghost of chapped lips brush against his ear. The gush of blood that dribbles past your mouth that tells him you’re gone.

(The Resource Wars felt like more a backdrop than anything else; you had come this far without any altercation. Yet even as you screamed that you were not thieves, just travellers, the gunshot rang. 

The cornfields weep with him as he leaves you behind, SD cards clutched in his bloody hand.)

D–4

TIME CUT TO: It is twilight, now. The camera is trained on the horizon. The sun has fully set, and night is beginning to settle in the sky. Only the barest hints of orange remain. The footage has already become slightly grainy due to the lighting. Neither you nor Seungkwan are on the camera. Instead, voices are heard while the darkness arrives. It is not evident whether the footage was taken accidentally, or on purpose.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)             (softly)         I’m glad we came. Really, even if we couldn’t get to Jeju. I’m glad. I’m glad it’s with you.                 YOU (O.S.)             (just as softly)         I’m glad too, my heart. You filmed the whole sunset, didn’t you? Start to finish?                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Yeah. Yesterday and today. I have so much footage that I don’t know what to do with.

Breath.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S., CONT’D)         Actually, that goes for all the BOO-logs. Even the ones from high school and college.                 YOU (O.S.)             (surprised)         You never tried editing them?                  SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         I have, but what then? There are hardly any theaters now. Nowhere else to post. And electricity is expensive.                 YOU (O.S.)         Okay, but if we both die, what do you think’s gonna happen to this camera? Seungkwan is many things; a prideful badminton player (before the Wars stopped sports events), a videographer, casual vlogger, and a corn field worker. You are also many things; an editor (before your company closed from too little employees), author, copywriter, and occasional tiller.

Both of you still enjoy nurturing sparks of creativity when they come.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Mm. someone picks it up and it gets immortalized in a post-war museum. And our videos will be a special feature.                 YOU (O.S.)         Oooh. And the war museum would be on a spaceship, with funky gravity and new plants and meat the astronauts domesticated from a different planet.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         And there’s a new jokbal. Call that out of this world delicious.                 YOU         Stop! Despite the terrible joke, you both laugh, then let the conversation drift into comfortable silence. The sun has fully set. Nothing much can be discerned visually from the footage.                 YOU (O.S., CONT’D)         Hey, Seungkwannie.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Mm?                 YOU (O.S.)         If you had the chance, like computers and steady electricity, would you edit all the BOO-logs into a short film?                  SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)             (skeptical, but thinks about it seriously)         What would the plot even be? A married couple traveling to Mokpo, dodging dust storms and chasing each other through cornfields? Watching the stars at night?                 YOU (O.S.)             (earnest)         Yeah! Or, y’know, make it semi-autobiographic, like two lovers wanting to visit where they first had their honeymoon. Or maybe I’m sick and you want to take me to the sea one last time? The footage earlier could fit with that storyline.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Don’t even say that!                 YOU (O.S.)             (laughing softly, apologetic)         Sorry, sorry. But if you do make a short film, I want to be the first to see it. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you work.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         What about you, then? Would you write a book about us?                 YOU (O.S.)         Oh, definitely. And you’d be the first to read it. The footage cuts.

D+182

Seungkwan replays the footage again. Beside him, Vernon fiddles with a pen.

“What do you think about making this a short film?” Seungkwan asks. 

Vernon stops. 

Seungkwan may be their newest addition, but the rest of the crew has grown protective. He brings light to their conversations, effortless in his ability to entertain and bring laughter. Mingyu asks him of his favorite foods, especially the ones he misses from Jeju, even if recreating them is near impossible. Seungcheol reprimands anyone who tries to bully him into giving up his share of rations. Junhui has begun to joke more, noticing how Seungkwan seems to be particularly into his humor. 

Yet everyone recognizes the sadness that still clings to his heels.

Vernon looks, for a long moment, at the monitor, frozen with a picture of a smiling face he’s never known—never personally, only ever through the screen and Seungkwan’s stories, always shared in quiet whispers in the privacy of his room.

He knows, though. Knows that this person was real. They loved, and were loved. It speaks in how the camera follows whoever is in the frame. The cuts of certain clips, as though either the person behind the camera joined their partner or had a moment that could not be captured in film. Most of all, it was the way whoever was in the frame would, without fail, smile at the person behind it. 

“I think,” he replies, choosing his words deliberately, “that you are in a unique position to dictate how someone is to be remembered by those who never knew them. And…” he hesitates, wondering if two months of these quiet conversations is still too little to be so candid with his friend, especially when talking of loss.

So, so much loss.

Seungkwan answers that question for him. “It’s okay, Vernon-ah.”

“…Well, I just wanted to say that it’s a burden to bear, is all.”

EXT – A CORNFIELD UNDER THE STARS – NIGHTTIME The stars have emerged, visible in all their glory. After the start of the Blight, when the population began to dwindle, electricity and many other resources became scarce. Much of the light pollution that was once a problem has disappeared. Brilliant dots twinkle overhead. To you and Seungkwan, it could pass for the Milky Way. The POV seems to be at a low point; stalks of corn are visible at the edges of the frame. Yet the stars are bright, captured exceedingly well.

You’re softly speaking aloud Laura Gilpin’s The Two-Headed Calf. It was one of the poems you memorized in college, as a creative writing major. YOU (O.S.)             (as though from far away)         Tomorrow when the farm boys find this freak of nature, they will wrap his body in newspaper and carry him to the museum.

But tonight he is alive and in the north field with his mother. It is a perfect summer evening: the moon rising over the orchard, the wind in the grass. And as he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual. Long beat.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         Twice as many stars as usual…let’s look up together.                 YOU (O.S.)         I see the stars, my heart, but I’m tired…

A breath hangs in the air. Some rustle of cloth, as though someone had adjusted so you fit together. A soft sigh.                 YOU (O.S.) Good night, Kwannie.                 SEUNGKWAN (O.S.)         …Good night, darling. End.

note. are the screenplay bits from the short film? the raw sd card clips? his memories? distorted memories? guess we'll never know. nonlinear bc grief is nonlinear. pls tell me your thoughts (even/esp if u didn't get the story lol) take care of yourselves always <3

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he���s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

[sanicsmut]

people : its important to be inclusive, yes even of identities you don't understand ! support he/him lesbians !

these same people when its about using multiples contradictory labels because identity is complicated and fluid : if you support this you're actually evil

[rouge-fauna]

I think you’re talking about these posts [here & here], I don’t know if there have been others.

I'm not gonna say what I did was right, you are correct I should probably just not respond to asks getting me to talk about other people. I will say for these two posts those people had already blocked me I’m pretty sure, so it’s kinda hard to talk directly to them in that case. And I was not doing so anonymously and had not blocked them so I wasn’t hiding what I was saying. I did not follow them, I am not part of the innitor community, and not that that makes it right but I do think it is kinda different. Though you make a good point, perhaps we should stop this pattern of responding to asks about other blogs and such.

Still, the biggest thing to me I realized, back in elementary school when I first dealt with this, was that honestly all the time we talk about people behind their back. Talking about people when they aren’t always in the room is kinda just inevitable and part of socializing, however I think the important part is how you are talking about other people. It’s when you are insulting them, talking negatively about them to people they know, spreading false information and so on that it becomes not okay. Hopefully that makes sense.

In these cases I merely focused on the lore. I didn’t insult them or talk shit about them, as a person, as a blog or say their takes were stupid or they are stupid or speculate about their trauma or mental history. I just talked about reasons why I disagreed, or saw things differently and why we might see things differently. They were also not the only ones I saw to say similar things so I think in my mind I was making more of a general discussion, not trying to target them specifically. I didn’t post beyond that about them. But you are right, regardless it was probably not the right way to go about things.

But just to be clear, if I am a hypocrite it is not my intention. I haven’t vague blogged anyone or meant to vague reblog anyone. I think this week is pretty much the first time I’ve ever been not naming, passive aggressively talking about blogs, and even then I’m not trying to insult them, trying to cancel them. I’m just expressing that before you go off about how I’m stupid and unable to have a discussion about it, the very least you could’ve done was give me an opportunity to try.

[scheherazades-vigil]

JayVik existing or not in the show was never my concern so much as who cares (and was reflected in me specifically commenting about who cares enough to hate on JayVik, obv), but I said that bc Jayce disability was lipservice and disabled characters always end up doomed AND beholden to the narrative. I barely consider S2 canon, but you do you. It's also ableist bc like 2/3 of the plot involving Viktor/them revolves around FIXING DISABILITIES?! And you're beautiful bc cancer hahahahaha kill me

Jesus let the disabled person have an opinion about disability for once. Have yours, but don't invalidate mine or you deserve yours to be

I don't think you understand queerbait in at least one of its used definitions (language, shockingly, evolves and, in this case, has done so) but gg nitpicking what queerbait is ig :/ imo it is bc the show USES the draw of (often) MLM/bi relationships to increase revenue and ABSOLUTELY intentionally plays fanservice but then swaps out at the end to be like BUT NO HOMO LOL. I may not have thought half these things so deeply if it weren't Linke doing so much bad lifting, though. I am very serious when I say that he hits hella homophobic. That was a LOT of it and thinking this jerk wrote the CaitVi sex scene as anything BUT male gaze... k

If you liked it fine? I hated it

I think sex could've come at almost any time and not been gross. This WAS gross. Don't agree, k, you go fuck your gf in a grimy jail cell like the one you spent 7 years in and call it rep, peeps, idc. I really don't believe in all this LULZMAGICINSTAHEALING power of love s2 stuff like Jinx also gets, but ig you do and that's cool

Oh I never said it wasn't queer btw, what the hell is wrong with you people? Twist my words any more and they'd make it to the Olympics

I'm actually done responding probs tho bc you weirdo ship fuckers are dumb. I say don't hate ships, hate bad writing, and here y'all come with the OMG THEY WANT THE HOT GUYS TO FUCK AND ARE LESBOPHOBIC specifically bc I didn't like a scene or y'all hating a ship

I never said I did or didn't want JayVik canonized by the fucking way, I just called it as I saw it... QB bc chicks'll dig it or whatever, God Internet randos piss me off

I'm not reading all your narrow-minded bullshit, but ftr I'm duh v pro WLW, I may as well call you queerphobic for disagreeing with me (so rancid and vapid). Can you comprehend the stupidity and bias of these baseless accusations yet? Grats on not knowing shit about me or my values tho such that you must invent them. Speaking at I can't be arsed to recall your names so RB #1 mostly ftr.

I don't know how anyone could like the ships as they are represented in the show? Genuinely? How can, I repeat, you like bad writing? Like CaitVi got dragged through the mud making Cait some war crime dictator classist rich dick in a mansion sugga momma (istg if you disagree on the first part bc she has a nice ass or Runeterra doesn't have a Geneva Convention or something...), Maddie got a rando character assassination as a twist and was only there as a junior officer CaitVi obstacle anyway, which is tragic but I digress, Jayce killed Viktor on what I assume is Red Bull and himbo energy bc what kinda takeaway was that from hexcorized AU-land? Meljay disappears out of nowhere for some reason, no resolution. Timebomb is only (shown as) canon in a waste of time AU episode you couldn't even get away with in English 101, like, are y'all fr?

Fighting me so hard for legit no reason isn't the hot take you think it is but go off or whatever, see I, too, can be a cool kid

But fr can't we just unite in our disappointment in S2 instead of whatever the fuck this is. Y'all are why we can't have nice writing

At least I'm caring less about you as time passes but. The writing, bro...

Wait, why are people saying JayVik is this evil giant fanservice thing? If anything it was stupid queerbait! I like the ship but I felt like the whole thing was a big stupid mush of poor writing, outright ableism, and altogether just slop that made no sense. I didn't care about the alleged shipping, like who the hell would even NOTICE or care at that point? Like the writing belongs in the trash so I couldn't care less, and I'll just go to AO3, thanks.

The mage should've been Ryze. Or anything else.

Conversely, Vi going down on her abuser (and murderer of her people)... I literally don't know what to think and have decided for my sanity not to care. I assume it's male gaze fetishism, which is why there's no gay or bi ships. Men can't take that. Too yucky for them.

Meh sorry. I got grossed out by the weird accusations. Like who cares how many ships there are or who ships them? Are ship wars literally more important to you than the show?

[wildflowercryptid]

something that's been weighing on my mind ever since learning about the situation with ezra / toonimal is seeing how these predators will take the active hostility that is frequently directed towards minors in online spaces to their advantage and use it to prey on vulnerable children. i think that we as adults in online fandom should probably come together and maybe rethink the language / manner we go about interacting with kids bc clearly the way things are rn is causing active harm.

like obviously, if you're an adult and aren't comfortable with minors interacting with you or your content, you should be allowed to set that boundary and should be vocal about it, ( especially if the content you create isn't safe for them to consume. ) but i don't think talking to them like they're a blight on all that is good and holy is the way to go about it. maybe just saying you're an 18 plus account will suffice, you don't have to tell them to fuck off.

[random0lover]

I hate men and their need to act like any emotional reactions you have while you’re on your period is just you being “hormonal” and “not yourself”

(Rant in tags)

[mayordeas-clone]

saw a take that peeved me in the vocaloid feed on bluesky but i don’t wanna be confrontational there + my thoughts are too powerful for a 300 character per post thread so im making it tumblr’s problem

due to my intense vsynth brainworms this is going to sound incredibly pedantic and annoying which is why i am posting it here okay here we go

the post was sort of a ‘callout’ of a creator who uses synthv for covers of fnf songs or whatever. the general body was like “they write their own lyrics but they make the vocals using ai with a program called synthesizer v” (the implication being, “this person is an ai-using fraud, don’t support them”)

if ur in the community or like have a little bit of an idea of how ai is associated with synthv specifically this is a nonsense uninformed take (the ‘ai’ training is used for autotuning/cross language synthesis/some other shit idk but the point is it’s not the type of ai that like, writes the melody/lyrics for you and is voiced from random samples from unknowing providers but i’ll get back to this later)

ai is mentioned on synthv’s website (also vocaloid’s much to the detriment of news articles that report on hatsune miku) so it’s a common misunderstanding, whatever. it would be nice if people actually looked into the ways ai works in vsynth at least a little bit but in an age where artists are on the defense against the ai boogeyman i guess i sorta understand the knee jerk reaction to assume the ai in vsynth software like synthv is the Bad kind. annoying, but nothing new.

but i think what made this post rotate in my mind to the point of crystallizing into unnecessary rage is an add-on that was like “i just prefer my music to be sung by real people!” followed by “by the way, vocaloid isn’t ai, so no you’re not bad if you like hatsune miku music”

ohhh man this actually did piss me off a little cuz wow way to really shout to the heavens that you have no damn clue what you’re talking about

firstly, i COMPLETELYYYY understand that the premise and general sound of vocal synth music is not for everyone. the computerized words, the unrealism, or even the fact that it’s not an actual person singing, like whatever that’s fine i get it. but like you can’t go around and be like “by the way vocaloid [aka hatsune miku] is chill don’t worryyyy” bc that line of thinking from my understanding doesn’t really make sense? miku isn’t a real person either 😭😭 her latest release even uses ai! (at least i think it does cuz vocaloid 6 has ai support but idk i guess that doesn’t matter) does she just get a free pass cuz she’s an internet darling?

miku is a piece of software where you write the midi for her vocals and input the lyrics so a slurry of samples recorded by saki fujita can be played back in an in-character singing voice. synthv is a piece of software with similar character voice databases where you do the same thing, write a midi and input lyrics so a database’s voice samples put it all together to sing back. the inclusion of ai in this process is to streamline the workflow for the user to automatically work out the pitch transitions between notes to save on time manually tuning, creating a more realistic playback. this ai, perhaps merely the inclusion of these two letters in the proximity of synthv’s marketing, is what makes synthv both Significantly Different and Inferior to miku.

the lack of ai with vocaloid (as far as op knew, cuz need i remind you vocaloid as of its 6th installment uses similar ai to synthv lol) making it Better than synthv sent the implication, TO ME, that op thinks that the ai used in synthv is the type that like, takes samples from other people without their permission to create the voices (then leading to the “i just want my songs sung by REAL people” aka not sung by dubiously gathered samples). i recognize this means of creating ai voices to impersonate other people and make them say things they should not without their knowledge or permission is CERTAINLY bad but like that’s not how any of this works if we’re talking synthv (you could argue this applies to those utau banks that make voicebanks for like sonic the hedgehog and shit but those usually sound like ass and are about as convincing as a sentence mixed youtube poop). maybe that’s not what they meant (i don’t wanna dig up the post cuz i don’t wanna be bothered and it’s probably gonna piss me off to the point of starting something which i don’t want) but based on my understanding of their point this is like. wholly untrue. in fact synthv voicebanks (particularly those from eclipsed sounds whose terms of service are free to read on their website) have special terms specifically designed to protect the voice providers of their databases BECAUSE of the extra realism in their voices (terms such as, “you can’t credit any voice work done with Solaria to Emma Rowley [her voice provider] or anyone else besides the software itself” in the case Solaria is used to say something objectionable and cast it on Rowley, that would be a breach of the terms and might even get your license revoked). shit like that is likely what people who are afraid of ai voices expect to happen but there were contracts signed to protect and inform the voice providers of what their vocal likeness is being used for + compensation paid to them for their work providing vocal samples SPECIFICALLY for this product. and ofc miku is the same. ITS THE SAME. BUT MIKU IS A FUNNY INTERNET MEME SO SHES FINE. GRRRRR!!!!!!

[wasabikitcat]

Has anyone in this Olympics women's boxing argument ever stopped and thought about whether it would make any sense for women to be more susceptible to being injured in boxing than men? Like sure, it's a fairly common assumption that men are physically stronger than women, and therefore a man would have an advantage at boxing because he can punch harder... But how would that make you more resilient to being punched in the nose? Like I would think the assumed advantage would be that women can't hit as hard and therefore would require more effort to take someone down, but what everyone is arguing over is a woman having her nose broken from a punch to the face, when a man's nose would be just as broken from the same punch. Women don't have like, daintier and weaker facial bones or something. Being punched in the face "by a man" when you're a woman is literally no different than being punched in the face by the same person as a man. If we are to assume that men (note: the person being debated about here isn't a man or even a trans woman, she is cisgender, but I digress) are so Herculean that their punches are just too dangerous for women, then men's boxing should be banned outright because it's just too dangerous for men to be punching each other with that strength when a punch to the face is exactly the same for a man as it is to a woman.