#we broke up in like. january. but i think that's the first time I've ever really referred to get a my ex so i just ;;;;

[altruistic-meme]

condolences on the ex btw!! hope ur slaying and giving life a run for its money!!

😭 thank you darling!! i very much appreciate it ;;; and I sure am trying to!! life better be scared cus im coming for it

[running-with-kn1ves]

Hi lovely, to celebrate the new year! I was wondering if you could please do a fluff/smut with Cirden.

Does not have to be hardcore smut only a taste!! thank you so much 4 taking the time out of your day and writing we all appreciate your work.

A/N: took it in me to get this done before January ended!! putting this man in the spicy is so bittersweet b/c it feels so wrong (but so right). And thank you for your kindness!! Lord knows I've been needing some grace. Thank you for being so sweet I'm glad people actually see my stuff <33

CW: NSFW/SMUT, public(?) doing the dirty in the woods, hunting, elf X reader, established marriage

WC:2.8k

Gender Neutral Reader X Male Elf husband

"Raagghh. I haven't caught ANYTHING..." One of your arrows lands in the dirt, it's blade skinning against the ground before it fell flat. You couldn't even manage to stab a lizard that blundered past you, it's skittering body running as your arrow slumped.

"Don't get discouraged," Cirdan mumbled with unmoving lips, focused on the prey only a few meters in front of him. "It's only your first time with a bow and arrow."

He still managed to whisk away your heart in his crouched battle stance as you curled on the forest floor, his arrow flying as it released with a snap. The harsh squeak of a cottontail broke the silence of the ancient trees, a fatal jump being it's last movement before it succumbed to the ground in a helpless flop. Your husband moved forward without you to slice it's throat. You looked away in shame; he had been hunting for your dinners ever since your joint movement into the cottage currently a mile away; he had cut the heads off deer and ducks while you sat back and covered your eyes. You couldn't even shoot down a bird, not only from your poor aim but your heart lurched everytime you saw its feathered breast beat with life, its beak release a hymn of song. Every now and again you could garner the courage to help him defeather or clean the bones of his latest catch but when seeing their heads or lifeless eyes, it made your insides churn.

It was dispiriting, knowing you couldn't provide in the way he had learned to do since he was a child. But by Gods and Goddesses, did he not look fine holding that bow and pulling back its string, showing the strength in his chest and the unwavering focus in his grey-blue eyes. You memorialized the image in your head, toes scrunching deep in your sewn leather boots (created by cirdan and his many talents) with your knees pushed together, gaze focused on the ground.

"Whats wrong?"

You looked up from your place in the dirt and dead leaves, your spouse like a pretty ice mountain that you had to strain upwards to see. He placed three dead bunnies by their ears into the sack that was once on his back; if he were alone, he would've just carried them by hand back to the cottage.

"Nothing, I was just... thinking. It's beautiful out here."

You looked up at the canopy of trees, dappled light speckling between the small empty holes that neither branch nor bushy leaves covered to block the evening sun.

Cirdan bent down, placing his sack on the ground as a warm hand came to cover the top of your head. A calloused palm pushed your hair back, patting you with deadweight.

You couldn't see the rest of him with his gigantic arm in the way, his voice like an omniscient invisible God of the forest. 

"Don't worry if you can't hunt...I'll do enough for the both of us," His palm slid to your cheek in a messy fashion, attempting to be heedful of how firm his touch was, too used to handling his bow with untamed strength for the day. His hand was a pillow on your cheek as he pressed his thumb against your temple. "It's my job to take care of you."

He spoke as if mostly to himself, thin silver lashes disguising his eyes while he watches your lips with a small, almost unnoticeable quiver. But he didn't waver as you stared back, gaze running from his deep pupils to his strong nose bridge, down to his dripping jugular.

It was tension inside you and it was unbearable. It took choking yourself back to not scream "just kiss me, dammit!"

But elves weren't the hasty type,(especially your aloof husband), and you didn't know what Cirdan would think if you came forward so hungrily. Would he think you were just some lust-crazed old bat that replaced the careful spouse he once knew?

"Come, let's go back; the wind is picking up. I won't let you catch a cold."

The forest was all but blowing, a leaf tumbling every now and again but practically silent. And yet, who were you to argue with the seasoned elf who had survived in forests like this?

You took the outstretched hand cirdan put in front of you, allowing him to practically lift you to your feet as your bow held limply in your other hand with defeat. Alas, another day with no progress in conquering your woodland fear.

You let Cirdan lead you, following him past old oaks and emptied burrows, unable to keep your wide eyes off of him. It was nice, to distract your disappointed mind from your empty game sack to the hauntingly beautiful portrait of the manly elf before you.

"What is it?" Cirdan stopped, looking at you with those long locks covering his scarred eye, the other staring with a darkened brow.

"Nothing!" You'd repeat, looking away with your antsy feet bouncing, hoping he'd somehow read the growing need inside of you. And this carried on a countless too many times before you saw the clearing that led to the desire path back home.

What were you to say? That you wanted him here and now? That you wished he'd just smile and hold you and tell you to take off your hunting clothes and everything underneath as soon as you got back home? Yeah, right. As if the stoic beast that you married would be so forward, as hopeful and desiring as you.

You sneaked glances, learning better than before when aiming to witness the veins in his forearm that traveled to the hand interlocked with yours, the pants that fit his slightly toned ass just right. Gods, were you really so sinful? But, was it so wrong to want your husband, to think of him panting above you and his beautiful thighs encasing you with heartache and hunger?

Cirdan stopped again. You were about to tell him now this time you really weren't looking but he didn't face you, instead dropping his bag along with an unused set of arrows accompanying his bow.

"I think... I understand."

You tilted your head at him, maybe at a poor attempt to get him to look at your cute side.

"I'm supposed to do more than...be a a simple protector."

You would've pressed for more information, if it weren't for the oddly timed shove towards a nearby tree. Cirdan took the bag from your hands faster than you could ask "what the hell are ya doing," his sharp face only mere inches away and angled as if he was about to kiss you.

But maybe, that was just your imagination, your mind centered only on his smoothened pinkish lips.

"Is this what you wanted...?"

The elf brute inched down, nudging your nose with a deep exhale. His hands engulfed yours, holding them down at your sides as he pressed his lips snuggly to your cupids bow.

The sheer power of his face pushed your skull against the tree; along with it a warm, humid hand came from behind to press along the curve of your back. His pointer finger inched, massaging into your tailbone as the elf's thigh quickly entrapped you between he and the old oak.

That hand moved down to the waist of your hunting trousers, digging beneath them to reach more savory skin.

You almost jumped at the slight clutch of your left ass cheek, your husbands eyes shut as he rubbed his forehead against you.

Lost words were grumbled under his breath with a gentle rasp, his other hand leaving your fingers as they braced against the bark of the tree behind you.

"Cirdan-- wha," you tried to figure out what you were feeling, what the right thing to do would be. Which was, to tell him that this was not the right place, nor the right time. But that gentle nudge of his tented crotch against your leg made any thoughts of lucidity drift.

"Want you..." He spoke, barely above a hum. "Isn't this, what you needed? Looking at me, at my..."

"Don't finish that sentence," you warned, unable to meet his gaze as he softly squinted open his eyes. "Maybe so but--! Right here?? Right now? In the woods?! Even I'm not desperate enough to make us do it...here."

"No creatures come to the edge of the woods... too smart for that. We're too far away for any hunters to venture close enough." You could see even he wasn't one to normally suggest this idea; but if anyone knew this forest, it was him. "Besides, said I want to take care of you.. did you not think I'd follow through on that..?"

"But, wait, I mean-" you nearly whined, hardly able to contain yourself with the hand massaging your backside, the fat of his buldge grinding into your quadricep. He was almost as bad as the rabbits he so skillfully caught, their known libidinous currently rivaling his own.

It was still atleast a 15 minute walk back to the cottage when following the path directly back. Could you make it that long? If not, could you bare the anxiety of having him bend you over in the woods completely out in the open?

"I didn't know you were so... pent up." You choked. "I mean, you're not just doing this for me, right?"

Who were you kidding? He was practically rubbing on you like a fox in heat.

"Please don't make me beg." He looked at you directly, finding your lost-at-sea eyes that had been rapidly searching for any creature or holy figure nearby witnessing you and your husbands' immoralities. He wasn't whining nor desperate but rather asking you, to please, not make him put himself even lower at your mercy-- if that was even possible.

His directness caught you off guard; sure, you had been on the edge of ripping your clothes off and throwing yourself at him but-- to have him beat you to the punch?

You couldn't help yourself when he leaned in, his soft locks brushing against your shoulder as the tip of his pink tongue swiped your lower lip, his confidence having grown since the first time you made love to him in the dark.

You opened your mouth greedily, nearly starvingly so as you wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders. How could you say no, when he asked you so genuinely, when your groin ached to be caressed by him?

With the confession of your open mouth and the lewd noises of your labored breaths, Cirdan moved quicker than with the normal diligent pace he tended to do everything with. In a split second your leg was wrapped around his hip, his large hand rubbing gently at the front zipper of your trousers, reaching in deep between your legs to get a good cup full o' you. 

You couldn't just ignore the cries of his loins as he lunged forward, desperate for your affection. You undid the two buttons holding the elf's own wood-colored slacks up. They drooped only slightly to show the clean grey of his happy trail, your palm digging in to reach for the stiff piece that craved a special touch.

It slid out so easily, his tip warm against your wrist. You couldn't help but watch him leak just a bit, slightly hard as a thin vein pulsed under your thumb.

"Gods please...I said t'not make me beg." He muffled in your ear, taken aback uncharacteristically as you stroked with the intent to milk him for all he had.

It was so cute and fat, the small grey-white hairs of the front of his cock leading down to his crowned jewels, making you appreciate the differences between humans and elves. His pointed ears twitched upward as he practically foamed at the mouth against your neck. A gentle palm came to push your shoulder against the tree with simplicity.

Without unzipping, cirdan shifted to pull your pants and undergarments down to your knees; in a matter of two seconds he managed to strip you half naked. Your hand was pulled away from the elf, interlocked instead with his fingers as your bare thigh was hoisted further up against his naked hip.

His chest pressed up against you as he slowed to get inside, looking at you with glazed over, hooded eyes. He didn't look away, he couldn't. There was something about the sweat at the corner of your brow, your slightly ajar lips that kept him going, entering inside of you with raw cock and raw determination, awaiting to see that expression of nearful ecstasy that would wash away all the neediness you had been experiencing.

You didn't know how he could do it, stare at you so intently without any break away while you sweated under his gaze. If he wasn't currently bottoming out inside of you right now, you would've felt like you were under interrogation. You both huffed simultaneously once your hole swallowed up the entirety of him, your right leg limp over his thigh as he pressed you up further against the tree.

"Feel okay?" Cirdan panted, and you could see he was barely keeping himself at bay. What a gentleman, controlling himself from fucking you blind-- not that you would've minded the latter, of course.

You responded in turn by grinding down on him, rolling your hips forward to have that needy, hungry and achingly thirsty spot become just a little farther quenched.

It was difficult to not throw your head back and scream, feeling so warm and full as you gripped the back strands of the elfs hair.

With the time you had spent with him you realized Cirdan wasn't much of a grunter, preferring unconsciously to huff and pant and wordlessly suck through his teeth when he was inside of you. If you were lucky, you'd get to see him furrow his brows in exasperation, frowning as if he was concentrating hard on something important and not just from rocking into you. The challenging part about being his first lover however, was that he was still learning not to finish in the first few seconds of plunging inside.

"Ill.. n'take care of yo..u" he muttered, lifting your hips as your bare ass scraped against the bark of the tree. "Take care so good..."

You would've laughed at his drunken fervor if you didn't find it so endearing, the urge to stick your tongue into his heated cavern of a mouth washing over you like a wave.

Cirdan accepted the kiss greatfully, placing a hand behind your head to grace your thump against the tree. You could hear the branches shake, a stray dead leaf falling on the top of your head as he rutted forward, your own pelvic floor pushing against his thrusts. The elf's nose smushed against the side of your own, lips practically consuming one another as his lashes brushed your cheek. Sweat formed on your back dripping to your legs, but you didn't care. It felt too good, your senses only focusing on where he was caressing or what would be next, the cold breeze reminding you that you were still outside.

That fear remained in the back of your mind, your eyes occasionally opening and scanning the forest that you could see beyond Cirdan. But there was nothing, nothing but the trees and dead fallen logs blocking pathways.

Your kisses drifted away as you saw a hunched over deer, somewhat 10 paces away with its head burrowed in a bush.

Cirdan slowed, the deep drilling inside of you now merely a thick discomfort of occasional thrusts. He could feel you were getting lost in your worry, your grip on his shoulders loosening.

"Ma’sal’shiral," he grabbed your chin, turning you away from the fear of the forest. "Going to make you feel love unlike any creature has known;" he kissed you with wet lips, giving you breath and teeth. "So please, don't turn from me."

The horrible ache in his eyes, the twitch inside of you-- for how torturous it was for yourself, it was just as bad for him. You would've apologized, turned the mood even further south into sourness if he hadn't begun rocking again, holding your back to keep your sensitive skin away from the tree. He huffed into your cheek, pressing hard up against you as he cherished everything he could touch. The deer that once took over your thoughts was now pushed to the edge, your eyes half-shut now that all you could feel was the depth of your husband, his precum mixing with the heat of your hole. The crude sound of skin on skin, the slight slap of elf balls hitting your ass-- it nearly sent your mind into overdrive.

And even with the pain of tree bark rubbing against your skin, the stench of petrichor and sweat in your nose, you wouldn't trade this moment for anything.

This might even be better than the bed... Okay, maybe not. But that didn't matter with Cirdan so far inside of you he huffed with inclination, tempting to keep his orgasm at bay.

[archie-sunshine]

A Year in Review

SO ITS BEEN A LONNNNG YEAR! a very very long year, but a lovely year and a very precious year!!! I feel like because of how big a year its been, we need a recap of everything that happened, and everything that this platform has allowed me to achieve!!

SO LETS START WITH JANUARY!!

I was still in school during this month, so I didn't get to draw as much as i wanted, but i wrote a ton!! I published chapters of Survey Says, Rehab/Cohab, and also the seminal work of fiction that is Positive Reinforcement! I want to celebrate how much writing i got done, especially with how that's taken a back seat on my blog for a while now!!

In february I got more time to focus on my work, and I hit 1000 followers!!!! I conducted the first ever askbox purges, and I drew a load of art!! I also met some great new friends during this month!! (hi soda! :D)

I STARTED STREAMING IN MARCH!!! I think this was one of the best decisions i ever made, because being able to chat and hang out with everyone as i draw is always hugely inspiring. I look forward to streaming and chatting with everyone each week :]

IN APRIL I DREW TOO MUCH NON ROBOT ASS. I finally got around to watching dungeon meshi and i became absolutely fucking obsessed with fantasy. I've always been a huge interest in fae and fantasy and worldbuilding, so knightformers is such a fun creative exercise!!

and then in may my computer exploded. Not actually, the screen just broke. I drew so much knightformers in may that my screen killed itself. oops!

In june, I not only hit 2k followers, but started a stickers business!!! All of your support from that made me feel confident in my ability to sustain myself on my art, and gave me the inspiration to push myself harder as the year went on!

In july, not only did I go to my first transformers convention, I met @pinkanonwrites in person for the first time, and MY BOYFRIEND MOVED INTO MY HOUSE! This month was so busy, but meeting pink and going to tfcon was so fantastic :]

In august it was my BIRTHDAY!! :D i turned 21! And I went on a prolonged inbox hiatus to focus on establishing my art style !

In september my hiatus continued, and I created meter, the greatest blight on the tfa tag to ever exist! Everyone exploded over my sweet boy, and it made me very happy to see :D

In october, i entered what I consider my own personal renaissance!! I was incredibly inspired by tf one, and starting to use more colour in my artwork since september! I released halloween merch (and then got my account on ko-fi suspended for a bit but it was fine) and hit three thousand followers!

IN NOVEMBER I KEPT MYSELF BUSY. I worked on tons of merch, made hypnovembers, and sketched up an absolute storm. The whole month honestly feels like a blur to me. AND THEN THE CANADA POST WORKERS WENT ON STRIKE (union strong, lads, good luck!)

Andddd because of that postal strike, I had to cross the us border into america to get all of my stickers sent off!!! december has continued to be incredibly busy, but! if you're seeing this, it means I'm ON HIATUS OFFICIALLY!!! AND MY WORK IS DONE (or mostly done ehehe)

I want to give a huge thanks to all of you. Because of your support, both financially and socially, not only has my confidence grown, but with it, so has my artistic skill and my income.

Drawing for all of you has allowed me to manage my anxiety more readily with medical marijuana, has allowed me to become more financially independant and responsible, and has opened up so many doors for me socially.

doing this has always been something that was more pipe dream or fantasy than reality, so the fact I get to say I draw for a living at all is a privilege i don't take lightly in the slightest.

I will always be proud to draw for this community. Thank you everyone, and see you next year!

[myoddessy]

I’ve just found you from whoetoshaw’s blog and WOW! I love your blog! 💞

🎀 anything with Freezy?! Maybe like a reunion/rekindling type-thing from back then to now? Like friends who were shipped back then and date now? I hope that makes sense 🥲 Xx

aww, thank you!! I was waiting for a prompt like this 😭 I hope you like it!

September 2016.

January 2017.

liked by calfreezy, wroetoshaw, joeygraceffa, and 872,519 others

yourusername Through My Eyes 2016 out now. So much has changed for me over the past year, I (finally) got my own place, I've met so many new people, and we hit 5 million subscribers!! Thank you all so much for all you've supported me through this year, and let's hope for an equally amazing TME of 2017! 💞💞

ynfan4 Oh I've been waiting for the highlight of my year!!

taliamar Good to see my festival feature is still the best part of the video. So proud of you girl ❤️

ynxcal4ever At 14.52 when it's just Y/n and Cal in their kitchen for the last time before she moved out and they remade the first ever thing they cooked together 😭😭 I'm so emotional right now

calfreezy I would say I had a glow up but after watching this I realised that I've always been mindblowingly attractive

yourusername The real reason I had to move out was because your big head was leaving dents in the wall anymore and I didn't want to feel like I was living with two Harrys xoxo 😘😘

wroetoshaw Oi! What did I do?

yourusername Broke my LED mirror by throwing a controller at it.

sdmnsundayz Y/n is a Saint for putting up with them.

January 2020.

liked by youtube, oliviarodrigo, miniminter, and 1,982,370 others

yourusername Through My Eyes 2019 is out now. Enjoy a year of travel across the world and the family who kept me strong through all of it. Thank you all for every line we've crossed and every milestone we hit this year, I love you all so so much 💘💘

calfreezy This is my favourite one out of all of them

yourusername Is it because you're in pretty much every frame?

calfreezy Obviously

freyanightingale Ibiza you will always be famous!

taliamar We need to go back ASAP

yourusername Opening scene to the next tme planned? I think so

ynslover 'Cal and Y/n' this, 'Y/n and the girls' that, yes it's cute but can we take a moment to appreciate how STUNNING she looked in this video???

ynfreezy LITERALLY. Like shes always been stunning but something in the foreign air made her a literal goddess it's not even funny

calsfreezys the bi panic was panicking HARD

taliaxynxfreya Currently crying over the fact that Y/n and Cal were together in most of the shots

w2minter There's no way they're not together.

January 2023.

liked by emmachamberlain, gracieabrams, faithlouisak, and 3,419,778 others

yourusername through my eyes 2022, you are my soul. despite me saying this every time I post one of these videos, I mean it now more than ever. from hitting 25 MILLION subscribers (what???), to hosting interviews at the MET gala, to truly falling in love, thank you to you all, and thank you to the universe for guiding me to where I am now. I truly cannot put my gratitude into words 💞💞💞

faithlouisak beautiful girl, beautiful video, beautiful vibe. the best part of every year xx ❤️❤️

yourusername love u more than words can describe ❤️

calfreezy I guess the amount of clips of you laughing makes up for the lack of me

calfreezy barely, though

calfreezy I better be heavily featured in the next one

yourusername I'll make a whole video dedicated to you if that's what you want

ynfan124 how do his tantrums work on you 😭

yourusername I've learned through many years that its better to just give him what he wants

mintertalia Y/N SOFT LAUNCHING???? this is a make or break for the cal and y/n shippers

yn2s yall still exist? give in, it's been years, if they were going to reveal something then they would've done it by now

mintertalia bro stfu you're a ship account for two people who've called each other siblings 😭

yourusername just posted !

liked by ksi, calfreezy, mikesmic, and 3,998,770 others

yourusername @calfreezy satisfied?

YNXCAL NO FUXKING WAY

ynslover YOU CANNOT JUST DROP THIS ON US QUEEN

calfreezy it'll do

yourusername what if I broke up with you

calfreezy you'd miss me too much

taliamar cuties!!

freyanightingale what happened to soft launching it? 🤣

yourusername got bored, felt like causing drama

[the-s1lly-corner]

Shut In (Eyeless Jack x reader oneshot!)

Basic plot: its really cold outside, and you urge Jack to stay in your home with you... he decides to stay despite knowing full well that he will be fine out in the freezing temperatures. You both decide to do things to pass the time and stay warm! Turns out Jack can make a mean cup of hot coco, too

Extra notes: I dont usually write fanfics, and the last one I've written was a personal one from late August... so to say I'm rusty and underexperienced is an understatement! I feel this one ended up a little.. weirdly paced imo but I think I'm still happy with the end result! Dialogue I feel I could have done better on but I'm going to be nice to myself since I mostly write hc posts so this is way out of my comfort zone.. Drafted on Tumblr then sent through google docs to pick up on some mistakes I missed, briefly reread no proper proof reading imo... lets hope this isnt a train wreck + it copied back to tumblr okay!! LMAO

Brief joke about pregnancy/making a pregnancy but its like one small snippet but I know that can make people uncomfortable + implies at least one of the characters is AFAB

Word Count: 2915

Extra Admin's note: I want to say again that I am so so happy about this blog hitting 1k followers, when I first started this blog I was originally going to use it to burn time and have something to do on the side, as well as having a place to put out my cringe ideas and hcs. I never thought this many people would be interested in my dumb thoughts, but here we are! I intend to keep writing this year, and perhaps even make more non-celebratory one shots this year? Maybe? I don't know I guess we'll see the reception on this fic!

It was the middle of the night, around the middle of January. Your boyfriend and you were holed up inside your apartment, you having locked the man up with you after seeing that it was below freezing out, as well as raining. You had to practically beg your boyfriend to stay with you for the night.

Your boyfriend, who also just so happened to be a man eating demon with tar dripping out of his hollowed out eye sockets. Your boyfriend, who was currently sitting still and staring forward, the only sound in the apartment coming from the dripping of your faucet. You had asked him to come visit you, it'd been a while... and he would never ever let you go to his cabin when it's this cold out. So here you both were now.

You pat the palms of your hands on your knees, sucking in one of your cheeks and working the flesh through your jaws for a moment. You were both technically stuck in the apartment now; you didn't want Jack to go out and risk getting sick, and Jack more than likely wouldn't want you to step out for the same reasons. So, you were both confined to what you already had within the space. You were about to open your mouth to speak but Jack broke the silence first. "You're shivering, do you want me to get some blankets?", blunt and almost robotic. He was never that expressive. "Or would you like to go to your room?" He added after a brief pause, his fangs poking just over his lip before he readjusted his mouth. You were both in the living room, sitting together on the couch; the front door to your left and a view of the kitchen to the right. You thought for a minute as your eyes lingered on the kitchen for a moment. You'd already eaten, before your partner arrived... but..

"That's fine, I'm probably going to make some hot coco," You pulled yourself up, stretching up. "Powdered stuff ooor..?" Jack mimicked you. You only shook your head, earning a disapproving look from him. "What?" You questioned, but he only dismissed you. "Why don't you get some blankets, I'll handle it," and he turned on his heel to make his way to the kitchen. "Maybe put on a movie, too, your choice." He added as his voice carried off. "Are you saying I can't cook?" You called back, following after him. No answer as he tugged out a pot. "I'll have you know-" you started once more

"Do you have half and half?" He was already opening your pantry to grab things.

"No, I don't,"

"Heavy cream? Whipping cream? Whatever it's called..." He mumbled as he placed various ingredients on the counter. Cocoa powder, vanilla, salt and sugar. You only nodded, and as he was about to begin working he paused. "Do you want anything else in it? Cinnamon? Nutmeg?" He paused and through gritted teeth, "Coffee?"

It was almost midnight, of course he would be opposed to you having caffeine so late.

"Cinnamon is fine," You watched him get to work. He measured everything out; even mixing the heavy cream with some milk to make a substitute for half and half.... was that really all it was? You weren't sure what you expected it to be, if it weren't..

He pulled his head up and stared at you. It was then that you noticed he had actually taken his mask off and set it at the end of the counter and out of the way. The black ooze dripping from his eyes was slow and posed little threat to dripping into your drink. He had a fistful of napkins on standby to dap his face dry should the flow quicken. "Aren't you going to get the blankets?"

You pat your hands on your thighs, pausing... watching him. His body had a warm glow on him from the old light bulb in the ceiling; it flickered every now and then. Under the yellowed light he almost looked healthy and alive, though there was no glint where his eyes should have been. His sharp nail tapping on the counter brought you back to the moment, blinking a few times. "Yeah.." you mumbled, defeated at the chance of making a drink for yourself stolen from you. But was that so bad?

You backed out of the kitchen, dragging your feet across the floor. Your apartment was.. a little on the smaller side so within a few steps you were in front of your bedroom door. You didn't really pay much attention to your surroundings as you shuffled through the blankets on the bed.. eventually you settled on just grabbing an arm full and waddling back to the living room, dumping everything you had grabbed onto the couch.

The house smelled of cinnamon and chocolate.. with a hint of vanilla.

Turning your gaze to the tv, your eyes scanned across the DVDs you had stacked messily. Nothing sounded good. "Is there anything you want specifically?" You called out as you settled yourself down criss cross in front of the tv and pulling all the cases onto the floor next to you. "Movie wise," You added as you pulled the first case into your hands. The DVD collection for Child's Play.. you had gotten it a few weeks ago, finding it on sale at your local store. You still hadn't popped it in to watch..

"I have.. Chucky, uhm..." You shuffled for the next case. "All the movies by the way.. I have that and.. most of the Friday the 13th movies," You called out. No answer, the only sound coming from the kitchen was the noise of a whisk gently being stirred. "I don't have Jason goes to hell... But!" You pulled out a third case with the Nightmare on Elm Street DVDs. "I DO have Freddy vs Jason," You mumbled and spread the three disks on the floor in front of you. Most of the disks you had, you noticed, were mostly older slasher movies. Still, Jack hadn't answered you. You pull yourself to your feet and trudge back into the kitchen. His back was to you, too preoccupied with the stove... He hadn't noticed you, not yet. An idea blossomed in your head, a smirk pulling itself across your lips. You steeled yourself, trying to force yourself to stop shivering.. Jack was always paying attention to his surroundings, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

You take a step forward and he still doesn't notice your approach.

Another step.

And another.

Jack wasn't the tallest, in fact if you wanted to you could rest your chin on his shoulder... and that's what you ended up doing, while wrapping your arms around his thick waist. You could feel his body seize up just a little bit against you, before relaxing. "You didn't answer, what sounds good?" You pulled your eyes down to look at the pot. Your drink was nearly finished. You view rocked as your boyfriend shrugged, still silent but the twitching of his pointed ears let you know he was listening.

"Anything's fine," Another shrug as he cuts the heat. "You're the one cooking for me, you get to pick the movie," You insisted. He paused mid-whisk, letting out a soft huff. Suddenly he spun around, his face just a few inches from yours. In the dimmed light his eye sockets seemed deeper, it's black ooze lazily dripping down his cheeks. You noticed the smudges on his face, from wiping the streaks. You briefly wondered what it was like to sleep with them, but your thoughts were cut short as he pulled a blackened and clawed hand to your hair; tucking a lock behind your ear. "How does...." He paused, sucking in his teeth. He looked almost embarrassed. "Bride of Chucky sound?"

"What? Want to study the characters again so we can dress up again this year for Halloween?" You tease. You had convinced him a few months ago to dress up with you. With him as Chucky, and you as Tiffany... It had taken some begging and convincing but you ultimately got him to agree. Although you didn't go out to get candy, you were both fine with staying inside watching movies together in costume. It was also that night you got him to watch the movies..

His ears darkened, before he scoffed. "No... actually this year I was thinking of..." He took a long pause, visibly scraping his brain for names of characters, before seemingly giving up. "Look I don't watch many movies I don't know any.. characters.." He grimaced, before gently pushing you off of him so he could turn his attention back to the hot cocoa. "We've still got nine months, more than enough time to come up with something..." You shrugged, then smirked. "Not enough time to make a Glen... or Glenda," You teased before turning on your heel. You held back a snicker as you heard Jack splutter, finally processing what you had just said to him.

"W-"

"I'm gonna go ahead and put in the disc, I'll leave it paused for you," You cut him off, still grinning to yourself as you kneeled down to do as you had said.

Soon enough Jack walked into the room with a mug, as well as a platter of cookies. "You didn't have to," You mumbled as you eyed the treats, but he only waved you off as he placed the plate and mug onto the coffee table. "You don't have to eat them, but I figured you might want a snack while watching the movie," He mumbled. You took the mug, and swirled the drink inside of it. "I hope I didn't put in too much cinnamon," Jack added as he watched you. He leaned over and started the movie.

You took a sip, smiling a little as the warmness crept in. "You did good, probably the best hot cocoa I've ever had." You offered a grin to him. "That has got to be the fakest compliment I've ever heard," Jack shot back, though you could see the corners of his mouth turning up just slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry! I believe this is the most decadent and satisfying beverage I've had ever been graced with in my life, and-" You began, only for Jack to hush you. "I'd rather you throw it on me, don't... say words like that again," He grumbled as readjusted himself into the couch. You took a sip and shrugged, "It's just absolutely immaculate," and he lightly smacked you on the arm. "I'm never making anything for you again," He snorted, before turning his attention to the movie.

You weren't going to lie, you felt a little bad treating yourself to the cookies, knowing Jack was unable to eat them without upsetting his stomach. Being a man-eating monster must really be hard. You purse your lips, and shoot a look at him from the corner of your eye. He must have been doing the same, because he turned his head to look at you. "Do you want to do something else?" He asked lightly, his grin from a few minutes ago already faded. "Do you ever miss eating.. food?" You asked before you could stop yourself. He didn't bother pausing the movie, instead he just fell silent and stared down, into the space between the two of you on the couch.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, I know it's a touchy subject for you," You mumbled and put the mug on the table. You sucked in the air between your teeth, flicking your eyes up to the movie, before bringing them back down to your lap. It stayed like that for a minute before Jack broke the silence. "I mean... yeah, I do. But at least I don't have to eat every day like you do, means I can have more time to do what I want," He said. Clearly, he was still bothered, tip-toeing around the big.. thing about him. The air was still tense and thick, all of the previous joking gone now. It was nearly unbearable. Nearly.

"You know," Jack began after a few more seconds of silence when you didn't reply. "I've never tried cinnamon in hot cocoa, I didn't know that was a thing people did," He was changing the subject. "You haven't?" You asked, raising a brow. He eyed your mug, but you both knew there was no way he was going to take a sip.

"It's really good," You mumbled, and took the drink, "The combo, I mean," You added. He hummed, patting his knees lightly. You swirled the drink again, watching the... what was it called? Those lighter swirls in the drink.. Did that have a name?

"You've had hot cocoa before, right?" You asked. He hummed again, nodding his head. "Well.. the cinnamon makes it warm. Taste wise.. It makes it.." You took a sip and thought for a minute. "Richer, I guess? It's hard to explain," You muttered, then looked back at him. You tore your eyes back down when you saw he was looking right at you, totally hooked onto your words. "I hear nutmeg goes good in it, too.. but I've only tried nutmeg and chocolate together in baked goods," You shrugged. "You did really good with this, you know... not too much cinnamon.. not spicy, at least." You smiled. He nodded, before turning back to the movie.

"Woody, I hear people describe cinnamon like that," He leaned back into the couch, a dull pop came from his back.

"Woody," You repeated, then took a large sip of the hot cocoa. You put the mug down onto the table, and leaned into your boyfriend as the warmth crept and settled into your bones. You weren't even paying attention to the movie, your mind was now occupied with how tired you were. Your eyes slipped up to the clock on the wall, It was nearly one in the morning. Had it only been an hour since Jack walked himself into the kitchen?

You lean deeper into Jack, not caring about his body's natural chill. His clothing still smelled a little like the cocoa from earlier.. "Gotta invest in some cologne, you smell nice like this," You mumbled into his arm. "The cinnamon?" He asked, not looking down at you. "No.. the cocoa, I mean cinnamon would be a nice touch... but you don't seem like a sweet smelling guy, do you?" You muttered. "Are you already getting tired?" Jack asked, and he leaned over you to grab the remote, pausing the movie. You muttered, the heat of the hot cocoa doing way more than you expected on the tiredness you didn't notice you had. "A little," You shrugged, "But we can still try to finish the movie," You offered, but he shook his head. Of course he would, as much of a hard ass or party pooper he came off as, he was going to make sure you were going to get your rest.

You put your hand in his, the one that had the remote.. you unpaused the movie. He paused it, and you unpaused it again. It kind of kept up like this before Jack conceited and kept it playing, although he did lower the volume.. The subtitles were already on, though. "I win," You smirked up at him, before crawling into his lap. You placed your head on his chest, pausing when you felt him stiffen before relaxing against you. His heart beat for a moment before settling to its barely there rhythm. For a minute you thought about asking about his heart, as far as you knew he explained himself like he was becoming a walking corpse... how does that work?

You decided against it, you already asked about him earlier.. and besides, your mind was already beginning to blank as Jack reached to the side of the couch, and turned the lamp off.. It was dark now. It was still raining, you could more clearly hear the drops outside now that the movie was turned down. Plus, Jack was running his fingers through your hair, lightly massaging your scalp. It wouldn't be long until you finally gave in and fell asleep.

"Are you going to still be here in the morning?" You asked, melting into his chest as he hummed in response. "Plan on it, I still need to clean up the kitchen," He added as he curled your hair around his hand. "It'll still be cold in the morning," He added, "I need to make sure you bundle up before you go out for work," He added. "I'm not that dumb," You muttered and lightly slapped his arm. You swear, if he still had his eyes he would have rolled them.

"How do you see? I know you're not.. a normal person, but," You blurted out, lifting your head. He pushed your face back down, shushing you. "Sleep," He ordered, before loosening his hold on you a bit so you could get comfortable. It wasn't an order but it may as well have been with how your body started to loosen into him within the next few minutes, quickly snuffling out your curiosity and questions.

He'd still be here in the morning, you could pester him then. After all, it's what he signed up for when the two of you started to date one another..

[pinksatinsashes]

The end of the year is the best time of year for us self improvement obsessed girlies because the planners are out, everyone's making vision boards and its finally time to write a nice long list of New Years Resolutions and achieve precisely nothing! Nothing!

Then the end of that year comes and we start the cycle again, making lists, checking them twice, achieving absolutely nothing, staying exactly the same and sometimes worse! How exciting! :)

When I was 16 I thought I'd have my life together at 18...lol! When I was 18 I figured I'd be totally together when I was 20. I'm 20 now...I think I've genuinely gotten worse.

But this year I am determined! I have said absolutely no more, absolutely no way is another year going to pass me by and I'm going to be stuck here in the exact same place. I NEED change.

Your 20's are meant to be the 'best years of your life'!

This is probably the easiest I'm ever going to have it! I have no children, no husband and I don't pay rent yet, if I don't do it now I will never do it..I don't want this to be my life forever.

Want to know how I'm going to make this year my year? Keep reading.

About two weeks ago I coined 2024 as the year of the Glow Up and started to meticulously plan out exactly what I wanted out of it.

My main goals for 2024 are:

To Hit My Goal Weight.

To Save Up Enough Money to Move to London.

To Be 75% of my Dream Girl

There are tons of other things I want to achieve of course, but If I don't achieve those three 2024 would genuinely have been a waste of time for me.

Now a couple years ago I would've just written those two goals down, put them on a vision board and went about my business...but Oh No, not this time.

I had a nice long think about the person I wanted to be at the end of 2024, financially stable, clear skin, goal weight, ready to move in spring 2025, closer to God, found her signature scent.

Each of these goals had a wider theme:

Routine

Fitness and Body

Food

Skincare and Hygiene

Beauty & Makeup

Hair

Clothes

God

Books & Brains

Music

Budget

I fired up Notion, created a home page that had a sub page for every month and then finally I created the Overall page, which has a sub page for every Goal Category and then I broke down each goal into lots of SMART goals. (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-Based)

So my 'get down to my goal weight' goal became:

Fitness and Body:

[ ] Size 10 clothes or under and 140 lbs (I'm 5'9 with naturally big boobs so this is my ideal weight)

[ ] Hour Glass Figure, building up glutes and upper body

[ ] Maintain Goal Weight for at least 3 months

[ ] Able to Stair Machine for 10 minutes

[ ] Able to go on a full Run

[ ] Do at least one form of Excerise a day

[ ] At least one form of Excerise a day

[ ] Take the Dog on Daily Walks

Food:

[ ] Try 12 New Recipes

[ ] Learn How To Cook 4 Different Nigerian Recipes

[ ] Form Consistent Eating Routines

[ ] Eat out twice a month or less

[ ] Stay in a Caloric deficit until I reach my Goal Weight

See how much more specific this is?

Having my goals listed like this makes everything so much easier because I'm tackling multiple things at once. First I'm changing the majority of my goals to habits or tasks (things I can control) from outcomes (things I may not be able to control).

Now I know that if I do all of these things written out, staying in a caloric deficit and excising daily there's a 90% chance I'll reach my goal.

This is much more effective than writing an outcome with no plan on how to achieve it.

From here, I'll break the Goal Down Even Further, into monthly goals.

For example, to reach the goal weight Goal by the end of December, January may look like this:

Eat at 1500 calories a day or 10,500 calories a week (to allow for the high calorie company lunches I often attend as part of my work, I'll simply eat less on the other days

Go to the gym 4 times week,

Complete X Fitness plan

Go on one Dog walk a week

Meal Prep ever week.

Lose 10lbs

To Save enough Money to Move to London by the end of the year, January might look like this:

Prep for no Spend Months in Feb and March (stock up on skincare, budywash etc)

Meal plan every week

Sell £200 worth of clothes on Vinted to spend on Spring Wardrobe (I'm not buying any clothes unless I use the money I get from selling my current clothes)

Stick to Budget

My Goal to get Smarter and Stop Mindless Scrolling may look like this in January:

Read at least 1 book

Listen to 4 Podcast Episodes

Limit Social Media use to 1 hour a day

Write 6 Blog Posts

Watch one Documentary

Setting the tasks in this way also allows me to feel a sense of achievement, every month I'm able to tick off my goals which can increase my motivation, instead of writing down a list of things to do and forgetting about it until the end of the year. It also allows me to recognise when I'm going off track faster and adjust for the next month.

You see how this is better?

I was strategic in using notion because I knew that I could then use it not only to set out my goals, but as a home base, a setting point to house all the things I could use to achieve them.

Under each section I've also included a bunch of things to help me, the Food section for example has a list of my go to recipes, so that when I can't think of anything to eat and want to run over to the closest KFC I have something to choose from. The Hair section has a list of hairstyles I've done and the Pro's and Cons, the Skincare section has a list of the products I've tried, if I liked them and If they worked for me.

Each month has its own page with a section for each wider goal and a spot for me to have a monthly write up, detailing what works and what didn't work so I can change and approve the following month and prevent falling behind.

I'm determined to make this year my year so let me know if you'd like me to keep you updated, feel free to ask any questions or send them to my asks. Also let me know if you want my notion template, here's a little peak-

Till we speak again!

-hannah🤍

[lazywitchling]

Alright, here we go. My review for The Dabbler's Guide to Witchcraft by Fire Lyte

Final rating: ??/10 - it broke my numbers system.

TL;DR - I like the book. I'm angry at the author. It's great for new practitioners. If you're going to get it, please get it from the Spiral House Shop, get Alex Wrekk's two witchcraft zines to go with it, and go look at/reblog/contribute to the original Dabbler's Week project.

(Also I think this is the longest review I've written yet. I'm sorry.)

This book is very good. I'm mad about that. The author is an excellent writer. I'm mad about that. I want to dislike this book but I can't, and I'm mad about that.

So let's get into the breakdown of why.

First up, a housekeeping thing: "Fire Lyte" is a pen name that I don't believe the author uses anymore, so I will be referring to him as Don Martin, the name he is using on his current projects. I know he's on TikTok, formerly of Inciting a Riot podcast, now of Head on Fire podcast.

Second, some links relevant to the review-which-is-actually-just-a-rant:

The breakdown of things I found that were taken uncredited from Tumblr

I COULD be making this up and reading it in bad faith, but this bit about 'heteronormative marriage' has my alarm bells ringing

Why I hate the title of this book

The original Dabbler's Week project links

Anyway.

I picked this book up specifically because of the title. It's been 3 years since it was published, so it took me a while, but I remember looking at that title when it was first out and thinking "Hey... the timing of this... did this person just wholesale lift the 'Dabbler' idea from Tumblr?"

The answer is: Yes, probably!

(He also summarized the Malachite Dick post from February 2020, but he actually credited Tumblr along with relevant usernames, so that's good and also made me laugh.)

But... yeah. The fact that he's crediting Tumblr from something that specifically happened in February 2020, when the original Dabbler's Week was from late January 2020 and seems to have inspired his whole book? Don, would it have killed you to mention ANYTHING about that project and the people involved?

He's very big on talking about following trails of information, listening to podcasts, listening to the podcasts of people talked about on those podcasts, reading books talked about on those podcast, and so on. But if he doesn't start off by saying "Dabbler's Week was a project issued by asksecularwitch on Tumblr", then how is anyone supposed to follow THAT chain of information, hmm? If his whole advice on finding good witchcraft resources is to follow the chain of people who are sharing information from each other, but he makes no mention of where he got the whole idea for his book, then what?

Side rant: I'm real tired of how Tumblr information is simultaneously treated as too shitty to ever bother reading or mentioning, but good enough to screenshot, repost on other sites, recite word-for-word on tiktok, and apparently write a book about.

ANYWAY. I'm angry about it. I'm gonna be angry about it. Here, please look at these links to the shenanigans that began the original Dabbler's Week, because Don certainly won't tell you about this part.

Anyway.

Some bad things:

I mean, the plagiarism. I keep hesitating to use the word 'plagiarism', because to me that seems like wholesale lifting entire works and slapping your name on them, when all Don did was fail to credit a few Tumblr users he quoted. But then again, if I did that on a research paper in college, it would be called plagiarism, so.

This book is in fact not a great guide for 'dabblers'. The point of Dabbler's Week was that if someone didn't know if they wanted to commit to witchcraft but wanted to fuck around with casting some spells for a week to try it out, there were week-long guides on things someone could do to try that. This book is not for fucking around with magic, it's for people who are already sure that they want to make this a thing in their lives. It handles some heavier topics (e.g. vetting mentors and not getting sucked into a cult) that are very very important for someone who is BEGINNING, but may be too much for someone who just says one day "lol I think I'll cast a spell for fun". A far more accurate title would have been "The Beginner's Guide to Witchcraft", but then he'd lose that punchy and marketable and googleable term 'dabbler'. (Yes, I'm going to be petty about this.)

"Wow Jes, it sounds like you really hated this book."

NO I DIDN'T, AND I'M SO MAD ABOUT THAT!

Some good things:

The author has a writing style that I enjoyed very much. This is a personal preference, but I like when books are either written so that the author is fully invisible (Bree Landwalker's books do this wonderfully), or the author is fully visible, like they're sitting at the table having a conversation with you (Kelly-Ann Maddox's 'Rebel Witch' comes to mind, as does Alex Wrekk's 'Brainscan 33: DIY Witchery'). Don Martin is the table conversation kind. That makes this book very easy to read, while also getting information across in an easily-understood sort of way.

This book fills a very necessary gap in modern witching books. It talks about the online community of witches, and a lot of the pitfalls that have come along with the bonuses of having so much witchcraft available at our social-media connected fingertips.

He gets very in depth with things like cultural appropriation. That's something that you can find in a lot of modern witch books, but Don actually spends the time breaking the concept down and explaining WHY it's harmful, HOW it affects people, and quotes people from the affected minority groups. I have seen the appropriation topic come up in a lot of the witch books I've read, but Don is the one who has covered the topic the best, imo.

He spends time on topics that I myself would have been dismissive of. The example that comes to mind is the chapter 'Can I Make Sh*t Up?' My knee jerk reaction was "Yes, you can make your own spells, you don't need to get someone else's permission. Next question." But Don goes through the full breakdown of yes you can make up your own spells, yes you can make your own correspondences, but no that doesn't mean you can just throw a water soluble crystal in your water bottle because you think it's good for cleansing.

Actually on that topic, he covers a lot of the why not just the what. It's not just 'appropriation is bad', it's 'and here's why'. It's not just 'research your herbs', it's 'here's some examples of things that can and have gone wrong.'

SPELL CANVASES! There are 11 'spell canvases' in this book, and they're pretty much all just kids/teens science experiments (e.g. dissolving an egg shell in vinegar, lighting a tea bag on fire so it flies, and using food dye to color a white flower). He does not give intentions for these spells, but gives a spell technique and then some examples of how you could apply your own purpose/intention to it as needed. It's actually pretty smart, and now I wish there was more stuff like this.

He actually explains what UPG means. Man, 'UPG' is one of those things that I keep seeing as a 'I don't know what that means and I'm to afraid to ask' blog post. When someone pops into the witchy social media circles, we can throw the term 'UPG' around as if everyone knows what it means, and forget to actually explain that it's Unverified Personal Gnosis and what that means. Don's got us covered. Good on you, Don.

The one throwaway line about why you don't have to buy fancy witch things. Tucked away in chapter 12 is this almost nothing-sentence mentioning why you shouldn't be "going broke hoping to buy your way into 'effective' magic" (pg. 161). I have seen, reblogged, probably written posts about 'No you don't need the fancy tools! You can just use whatever! But you CAN buy them if you want, you just don't NEED them.' And we've all seen those around, right? But damn, if Don didn't just get to the heart of it. You can't buy your way into skill. YES, Don, THAT!! THANK YOU.

Alright. I'm running out of words. This isn't a review, it's a rant. Holy shit. Let me shut up with a TL;DR

Almost without doubt, Don liked Tumblr's idea enough to write a book about it, but failed to give credit. But he's an excellent writer and covers a lot of topics that are not often written about in printed books, and to get those blogosphere-ideas onto bookshelves is invaluable. This is a good book for beginners starting out in witchcraft, but not for dabblers who just want to screw around with some spells. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Is it ethical to buy a book when the author gets royalties but the bloggers he got the idea from do not? I don't know. I can't tell you that. You'll have to weigh all this against your own moral compass and decide for yourself. My recommendation is that if you're going to buy it, please buy it from the Spiral House Shop, because if Don Martin's going to get paid for this book, Alex Wrekk should too. Buy Alex's zines. Reblog Sec's posts. Links are up at the top.

[normally-paranormal]

A slightly less tragic ending

-----

It was Sunday, January twenty-first, that I started to come back a little. My left leg was in a cast up in its old familiar position again amid all the pulleys and weights. There was someone sitting next to me, and it took me a moment to realize it was Arnie.

He looked like hell made-over. His lip was busted, his left eye was partially hidden underneath a deep, purpling bruise, and his skin had broken out into reddened, uneven patches of acne, brought about by stress or too many cokes or reliable old teenage hormones. To my eyes, it was the best he'd ever looked. There was a moment, as bleary-eyed and light-headed as I was, that I thought I had to be dreaming. And then he turned to look at me.

Seeing me awake must've shocked him. Arnie all but leapt out of his seat, his eyes wide and his hands hovering as if he didn't quite know what to do with them. He finally seemed to settle on trying to knock some of his hair out of his face, a gesture so familiar that it made my chest ache as he struggled to find something to say. "Dennis," he finally managed, his voice hoarse, still not quite the old Arnie, but there was enough of something earnest in it that I didn't hear LeBay, either. "Hey, man. ..It's been crazy, huh?"

I laughed. I couldn't help it, even if it made everything in my body squeeze and ache and burn. Arnie looked at me like he didn't quite know what to make of that. "Crazy doesn't even begin to cover it. What happened to you?" I asked, squinting as I peered up at him. "You look like you're the one who got hit by a car."

There was a hesitation, and then a shy, nervous sort of smile came over his face. It lasted for only a second before he broke into a laugh, too- and, God, that alone made it all worth it. The doc could come and tell me that I'd never walk again, that my leg was going to be amputated at the hip this time tomorrow, that all I had ahead of me was another decade of painful physical therapy, and I wouldn't have done a thing different. It was a laugh that sounded like Arnie, the way I knew him. Call me sentimental, or a big fucking crybaby, or whatever brand of queer you want to, but I'd never heard a sound that was so much like waking up from a bad dream.

"I.. kinda did," Arnie answered. His smile fell away, but the life in his eyes was still there. That was all I could focus on. "It was.. LeBay. One minute, my mom and I were driving along, and the next, he was just... he was there. In the car with us."

"Wasn't inside you?" I said it, then grimaced. Arnie seemed to shrug off the awkward phrasing as well as anyone could.

"No." He let out a shaky breath, then shrugged. "Whatever you and Leigh did, Dennis, it was like he couldn't touch me anymore. Couldn't get in my head. He was trying to get ahold of the wheel, and he.. did. We had a head-on with a Chrysler."

"Jesus." I frowned at him, shifting against the pillows piled behind me. God, I was so tired of hospital beds I could puke. "How's Regina?"

"Recovering." He matched my frown. "I think."

There was a dip in his voice that made me worried. It'd been so long since I'd seen the real Arnie that I was suddenly terrified to realize that I couldn't quite tell the difference between a regular lowered pitch in his throat and LeBay's ugly growl pushing through. I couldn't read if Arnie had changed in some way or if it wasn't him at all. Arnie must've caught something in my face, because he shied away from me, and finally sat back down in the chair at my bedside. He reached up to swipe his hair out of his face again, the new, short haircut maybe not doing it for him. Arnie sighed. "I really screwed it all up, didn't I, Dennis? I mean, I.." His breath caught. "My mom thinks I've lost my fucking mind. She won't even look at me! Leigh- I- I don't even know what to say to her. And my dad.."

His voice cracked. I pushed out a soft breath. "Arnie.."

"That fucker!" He burst. Arnie's fists were clenched on top of his thighs, digging into the fabric of his jeans until his knuckles had gone white. "I don't know if he's gone, they didn't find shit at the wreck, but I swear to God, Dennis, I'm gonna pull him out of his fucking grave and make him fucking CHOKE! That son of a--"

"Arnie!" I barked, feeling like my heart was trying to seize in my chest. If LeBay wasn't gone--

I didn't get to finish the thought. Arnie choked, the tension bleeding from his body as he broke into a mortified sob, and forgive me, but that was just as much of a relief as his smile had been. He was angry. He had every right to be. But it was just that- just anger. Just something Arnie felt, deep and true, that belonged to him. I tried to breathe, and my voice was hoarse when I tried again. "Arnie, I- I'm so sorry, man. About your dad. I tried to.."

I'd tried to warn him. The sight of Michael Cunningham's body passed through my mind again and I had to repress a shudder. Scrubbing angrily at his good eye with one hand, Arnie shook his head. "It's not your fault. None of this is. I.." He dropped his hand, sighed again. When he looked at me, he looked scared. "..We're still friends, aren't we? After all of this?"

"Yeah, man. Yeah, of course we are." My mouth felt dry. And I'm not ashamed to admit it, I started crying then, too. I'd missed him like hell. Arnie nodded, looking relieved.

"Thank you, Dennis," he said, his voice quiet. He leaned over to give me a light punch in the shoulder. "You really saved my ass."

"Yeah, I'm a real Han Solo type," I told him. He smiled, faintly. I wondered when the hell I was going to get out of here so we could watch a game at home again. We hadn't talked about Leigh yet, but I was sure that was going to come, and even more so that it'd work itself out. I loved her, but she'd been Arnie's girl first, and Arnie and I had been claiming Libertyville as our own since long before she'd come around. Right then, I believed I'd be happy with just about any choice she made.

Arnie was alive. He was himself, if a little worse for wear. We also hadn't talked about Christine yet, but the last I'd seen of her, she'd been as good as gone. It struck me then that if LeBay had been with Arnie, if he'd caused that wreck, then he'd abandoned the Fury. He couldn't have been in both places at once. I didn't have it in me to feel any sympathy for her.

"Hey," I said after a quiet moment, smiling tiredly when Arnie met my gaze. I nodded down towards my leg. "Sign my cast for me?"

[rahleeyah]

We're getting ready to go on my annual birthday beach trip. I started this tradition years ago; I was heartbroken and lonely, about to spend my birthday single for the first time in five years, and I didn't want to mope. So I asked myself what's something you want to do but haven't ever been able to do? And I decided I wanted to watch the sun come up over the ocean on my birthday.

I was young and I had never booked a vacation for myself (early 20s Leah was broke) so it was like a big grown-up moment for me. Like realizing I'm on my own but that's a good thing. I'm in charge of my own life.

So I called one of my best friends and she was excited to come with me and we packed up the car and her 18 month old and drove down to the beach and watched the sun come up over the water. We froze our asses off, and had a blast.

The next year I went with a different friend, and got my nose pierced, and saw my mom for the very last time. The next year the first friend came with me again, only the baby was a full grown child, walking and talking and playing, and I sat alone on the beach for the sunrise, thinking about my mom and the passage of time. The next year we were still in covid protocols so I went by myself. The next year we had a snow storm that made it impossible for my friends to come with me as planned, so I went by myself again. I stayed in a funky little house, and did all the things I wanted to do, and spent a lot of time talking to a girl I'd just matched with on bumble.

The next year timing didn't work out for the beach, but that girl from bumble was now my girlfriend, and she went with me to get my tattoo and made my day so so special.

This year that girl and I live together, and we're loading up the car and our puppy to go on an adventure.

The birthday itself doesn't mean that much to me; this trip is not about celebrating my birthday. It never was. It is, and always has been, about taking a moment to celebrate life. To take a moment to pause, forget about the grind and responsibilities, and enjoy where I am. The world, and all the wonders in it, and the people I love, and all the things I'm grateful for. I could do this any time of year, but my birthday is in January, and the beginning of the year is I think a perfect time to reflect on where I've been, and where I'm going. It is a moment of profound joy.

[questforgalas]

My thoughts on TBB Season 2 finale

It's a long one so strap in if you enter

First, before I get started, I wanted to say that this has been such a fun season to watch, and the interactions I've had with everyone in this fandom has made my Wednesday and weeks since January so delightful. I know hiatuses see a lull in activity, and some people are going to need to step away for a bit, but I just wanted to say thanks for being such a warm and open environment (at least the little corner I've found myself in). Here's to fingers crossed that the panel at Star Wars celebration in just a couple weeks brings us confirming great news!

Love ya all. Mama Tay is here with blankets and ice cream for the Tech babes if you need it. My man is unconscious on a torture table and my babygirl is a captive so we can all cry into the containers together

I'm able to watch the episodes at 8am EST every week, it's my little weekly routine I look forward to, so I've had a couple hours to process my one watch through of the finale episodes, and, just, wow.

Warning, "The Breaking of the Fellowship" just started playing on my playlist so who knows where this is about to go lol. Let's go to feelings town

The Bad Batch Season 2

I have not been quiet about how much I love season 2. Out of 16 episodes, there are maybe 2 that could be written off, but put them anywhere in season 1 or any TCW season, and they'd be some of the best episodes, which only adds to how well written and well done this season was.

I'm a Crosshair girl, not just in a "heart eyes spindly toothpick" sort of way, in fact that really didn't develop until halfway through season 1 - which my therapist definitely doesn't need to analyze - but his personality and his subtle devotion to his squad sucked me in from the beginning. So even with how little we had of him this season (granted, what we did get was some of the best television I've ever watched), this season is up there for me.

The character development for all batchers but especially Omega, Tech, Echo, and Crosshair was intriguing and dynamic, and that's not to say Hunter and Wrecker didn't have their moments either. They did, they were just much more subtle. We saw a lot more of Hunter's enhanced senses at play and Wrecker's knowledge, not just fascination, of explosives, but that pales in comparison to the other four.

The universe expansion was everything to me. We don't have anything depicting the rise of the Empire. We've never seen it's take over and the effects that rippled across the galaxy. We've only ever seen the afterwards, so to get this eery and terrifying depiction is exactly how I'd expect the galaxy to feel during that time, and I really applaud the creators on being so detailed with it.

The Finale Episodes

Wow. Just, wow. Admittedly, I had two reactions to these episodes.

The first was as the Crosshair fan who's put a lot of my emotional stability on this group of animated misfits, and that reaction hated these episodes. Not because I didn't think they were done well (getting into that in a second) but because I latched onto the Bad Batch's dynamics as a family since TCW and I so deeply in my soul to the point it's almost a wound in my heart want them back together again. I fell in love with the TCW Bad Batch, and I want that dynamic back so I've been rooting for it since "Aftermath", and every time we were given crumbs of a possibility that could happen this season, I devoured them and clutched onto them like they were my lifeline. So yes, from that perspective I hated these episodes.

Now, from the Star Wars fan taking a step back from my fanon - holy freaking shit. I laughed. I cried. I sobbed. I oooo'd. I cheered. When they stopped "The Summit" in the middle of the action, similar to how they broke up "Spoils of War" and "Ruins of War", it hit me that we weren't getting the reunion I desperately hoped for, and I took a minute to grieve that, went into acceptance, and then dove into "Plan 99".

Again, were there points throughout both, especially "Plan 99", that I was going "oh I hope this happens" or "ok annnnnd now!"? Yeah, absolutely (cut to Omega waking up at Cid's and me going "nice this is when they reveal it was all a bad dream and Tech's gonna walk in in 3..2..1..."). Did I have 4 other endings in my head halfway through the episode? 1000%. But it's not my creation, and based off of what we were given all of season 2, it all made sense to me. Even the things that made me have to pause for 4 minutes while I sobbed into my hands.

We are set up for an extremely action packed, spy/political thriller filled, intriguing season 3, and that wouldn't have happened if the season didn't end the way it did. If it was all tied up neatly in a bow, then there would be a lot more doubt, in my mind, about 1. if we'd even get a season 3 and 2. what the heck it was going to be about.

I'm not going to get into individual character analyses, but I thought everyone was in character. There was not a moment in either episode I thought "huh that doesn't really fit does it?" All of them were on brand in my opinion, and I again encourage people to take a step back and separate fanon from canon.

So why the emotional impact?

One of the things I've really had to process and think through is why this finale was staying with me like it is. I mean, I've been a Star Wars fan since 1999. I lived through watching Revenge of the Sith in theaters. I, like many of us, watched "Victory and Death" at the beginning of a very dark time in the world. I gripped the edge of my theatre seat watching Rogue One, praying they made it out like I hadn't known the end of their story for 25 years. But none of those endings stayed with me the way TBB finale is.

Sometimes something stays with me for an hour, maybe more, but I've never had any show have a finale where throughout the day as I thought about it, I burst into tears in varying degrees, and I can feel that being the case for awhile. Honestly, I haven't put my finger fully on it yet, but I think one of the reasons why is because all of those other endings I mentioned above - ROTS, Rogue One, TCW - and really any Star Wars media so far, has not had such a sorrow filled ending in such a dark period of time without us knowing the story after already.

ROTS we knew the outcome of that 20 years before. Rogue One even longer. TCW was filling in the gaps of a story long concluded. The Mandalorian is set in a time when it's supposed to be peaceful and the galaxy is mostly living in the light, so even when Mando and Grogu are separated, it's sad to witness the pair be apart, but there's no umbrella threat that makes the separation dangerous.

We are in the darkest period of time that we as Star Wars fans know in TBB. That is the point of the series - it's not just about these clones and how they cope post war. It's we the fans seeing how terrifying the Empire is beyond just the two sith lords running it. The inner workings and how easily they squash hope within their own government. We as the fans are meant to watch the Batch and love the family but be terrified of what can be waiting for them around every corner.

And that's not to mention we have no idea what the fate of the clones is. First off, the events of A New Hope are 20 years away. Rebels and the Obi-Wan Kenobi show are the only medias we have depicting the time between ROTS and ANH, and they barely scratch the surface. Rex is canonically confirmed to survive to Return of the Jedi, and we have Gregor and Wolffe in Rebels, but where the heck are the rest of them. We don't know. We literally don't know, and we're now left to speculate what that could possibly entail for the clones (especially the Batch) on any given day, let alone when we're left with two of them as captives of the Empire and one "dead". It is, in my opinion, one of the most devastating endings to a Star Wars media because of the terror it can hold.

Tech's Fall

Why yes, this would be the part I had to pause the show for and sob over for 4 minutes.

Tech has been my second favorite member of the Batch since they were introduced in TCW. This unapologetic, enthusiastic nerd who knows what he likes and hyperfixates on it spoke to me on levels, as I know he did for many of you - especially after "The Crossing" (I personally cannot relate to the ND connection, but was really happy to see the community joyous over the moment).

I, like many of you have already said in your thought posts, had the growing pit in my stomach each time they developed his character. The constant-optimist in me latched onto the possibility that just once they wouldn't pull that shit on us, but obviously that wasn't the case.

Tech and Crosshair's sacrifices punch me in the gut. Both of them are to save their family and give their family a chance. To have Wrecker and Tech bicker back and forth even up to the last minute like brothers do, and then the fucking awful shot of Wrecker watching his brother fall knowing he did it so they could have a chance. As a sibling, I couldn't handle it (I've actually started crying again now writing this). If I was Tech and that was my family, I'd do the same thing. If I was Wrecker watching that in front of me, I'd be on my knees screaming.

The scene was shot chaotically to make us, the viewer, feel panic and feel the gravity of the situation the Batch was in while seeing tiny moments when maybe they could pull it off, maybe Tech is moving faster than we think, maybe the car will come online and speed away, all to keep us hanging on while feeling the pressure of the environment they were in to then watch the fall and feel anything but relief, just like the Batch.

Now, onto what's keeping me hanging on

Is Tech Dead?

No, and I'm blaming Echo for this, but I do not think he's dead. And I do not think that takes away from his sacrifice either.

First of all, this is Star Wars. Unless you see the body, they ain't dead. @jealous-sloth77 even made the point of Darth Maul in their thought post. My dude was cut in half and fell down a supposed never ending shaft, but came back with the v-neck of all v-necks and a 200 step revenge plan, then literally became the cockroach of Star Wars.

Let alone the direct parallels to Echo Tech's fate could have.

So stay with me on this for a second, and I may be giving Filoni and Corbett and Rau a little more credit than they deserve, but follow me here.

Echo's blown up at the citadel in Season 3 of TCW. Not season 6 and then reappears a season later. 4 seasons of separation, and given the cancellations and renewal breaks, you're talking literally 10 years in between his death and his revival, which narratively makes no sense to me. And don't get me wrong, I know the Dominos were a fan favorite and Fives and Echo were a fun pairing, but all in all, Echo appeared in five episodes? Maybe six before he's killed off? And only 3 of those was he a "main" character. Compared to many other clones and characters, that's not exactly a recipe for "bring the fan favorite back 10 years later". So that makes me think that Echo coming back, especially the way he did, was setting the ground work for something. Now hang with me here.

In Mando S2E1, Mando kills the Krayt dragon by going inside of it, a monster who's stomach is literally full of acid, and blows it up from the inside out, dramatically coming out pointedly covered in the krayt acid showing that it has no affect on beskar. Then 2 minutes later we get the cameo of Boba Fett in the sunset, a character who last we saw was swallowed by a monster, supposedly digesting in stomach acid. Then in Book of Boba Fett, we see that because of his beskar armor, he survived the sarlacc, etc, etc. My point is, Star Wars has recently developed a habit of setting long-con explanations in various medias. Planting the seed you could say. So it's not far fetched to theorize that they brought Echo back from a ship explosion that we were made to think nothing but his helmet survived so they could set the ground work for other characters to be dramatically saved/scavenged and "brought back to life".

I mean, this is the world of Palpatine clones so, it's not out there.

That's not to mention the scene of Hemlock bringing Tech's goggles to Ord Mantell and making a point of mocking his death in front of them. Hemlock's entire purpose is to unlock the cloning techniques of the Kaminoans, and suddenly the literal genius is separated from them, assumed dead. If I'm an evil-scientist like Hemlock, I'm figuring out anyway to make sure Tech's alive.

So yes that's a long-stretch plan that gives Corbett, Filoni, and Rau a lot of credit for potentially thinking multiple seasons of plot lines through at the beginning, which, honestly, would be a good strategy considering the time period they're navigating around so I don't think it's that crazy to consider.

However, the main fact that I'm latching onto that Tech's not dead is the same fact that I've latched onto ever since "Aftermath" to tell myself Crosshair will be back with the Batch someday, and that's because it narratively makes no sense in context to how the Batch were introduced to us to keep them separated.

Think back to TCW S7, when the Batch are introduced. That was 4 episodes highlighting a tight knit, unique, family unit who all complimented each other to round out an unbeatable unit. Their sibling dynamic was the main focus of that group and is what made me fall in love with them, and it made no sense to me that they separated that dynamic within the first 10 minutes of the first episode and now to further separate it by taking Tech away.

I feel this so strongly in regards to Crosshair and Tech. I was sad when Echo left, and I was confident he was going to be with them again, but his departure didn't hit me the same way as Crosshair's and now Tech's. It just does not make sense to me to have the OG 4 separated permanently given how they were presented to us. It would be one thing if they went all in on the "Crosshair's evil" route and semi bait-and-switched us, but given his evident loyalty to the Batch and clear, long path of him being back with them someday, it really would not make sense to me for them to "swap one out for the other". That, in my opinion, would be lazy writing, and with how much love and care the creators have shown this series, I cannot fathom them throwing in the towel like that.

Unfortunately until the new season, I'll sadly have to accept the fact that he is gone and in our eyes right now, he's dead. And that hurts. It really does, but boy, am I grasping onto this last analysis like it's my tether over Mustafar

Love ya all. Mama Tay is here with blankets and ice cream for the Tech babes if you need it. My man is unconscious on a torture table and my babygirl is a captive so we can all cry into the containers together

[horrorfolk]

for the past couple weeks I have tried multiple times to sort out this kind of. thought cloud I'm stuck in. but I can't properly journal out my feelings bc I can't exactly put words to them. I keep trying to get my feelings out with words and it's impossible. so I resort to trying to organize them in pinterest boards and playlists bc those things are more abstract but still help me think through stuff. but even there I'm sort of at a loss. I guess I am coming up on a sense of self for perhaps the first time in my life? and it is so strange and foreign to me that I'm having a hard time. putting it together. for sure it'll take more time. but holy shit it just feels like I am having all these like. epiphones about myself idk how to spell that word whatever. it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a sense of self. which I have never ever had in my life before. I have always felt like a weird amalgamation of traumas and I have these identity crises every other month wherein I try to reinvent myself and become someone new. and in so doing I have completely just. erased any kind of sense of identity I could have had bc I'm constantly just changing it so nothing I am ever feels permanent. every trait is just temporary and mutable. but last summer, almost a year ago I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on mood stabilizers. and after 3 months I started having these like... come back to earth moments where I'd finally be like wait, this isn't me, this isn't what I want. and I'd change it. and slowly I've been doing that with different parts of myself and my life. and then it all kind of came to a head when my ex cheated on me and we broke up and they were gunna attempt suicide and the gun and the hospital and just all of that SHIT happened and then I very suddenly decided to move out bc I couldn't live like that anymore. and then I started seeing my now bf more and more.. and just like wow. it's crazy how drastically my life has changed in a couple months. I mean in January I was in a shitty relationship I didn't see going anywhere with a loser who treated me like shit. I was living with this person and my old roommate and not doing much of anything for enjoyment except scrolling mindlessly through Instagram reels. I used to go to punk shows all the time and one of my epiphones (literally how do you spell that) was that I didn't actually enjoy going to shows that much and the people there weren't really my crowd and I don't want to drink or smoke or any of that. so I stopped going to shows but I never replaced it with something to do enjoy doing. but now... since I left that house and went no contact with my ex and sort of distanced myself from that whole friend group I have been more capable than ever of like, finding myself and who I am and who I want to be. I moved out completely within a week of deciding to do so for my mental health and even though I'm still working these 65 hour weeks and YES my job sucks and makes me wanna die I am still so much less stressed and I am not in literal agony. I used to be so confused with who I am. I used to struggle so hard to see myself as a human being. I was in a near constant state of dissociation due to the horrible trauma I've been through + my dysphoria + bipolar disorder + shitty relationships. Its like I'm waking up now. I keep having these moments where I pause for a moment in reality and I'm like holy shit I'm HERE like I'm alive and I'm present and i am experiencing this moment in this moment. it's just wild to me. i think this is a real turning point in my life. like fr a brand new chapter. a fresh start to everything. I left so much behind and for a while it left me feeling like an empty husk but now I am just starting to see the new little sprouts of life in myself. I'm not having an identity crisis I'm having an identity rebirth.

[stepfordgoth]

Ewwwww not to be weird but every once in a while after I've had a Good Drunken Night I do some reflecting about the night, and then I inevitably (for some reason) start to think about when my ex and I were "on the way out" in 2015, and I was starting to move out of his house and I spent the weekend (July 4 weekend) at my friend's house and it was literally THE DAY AFTER I LEFT that that dumbass boy got a major DUI charge and almost died because he apparently drank a WHOLE BOTTLE OF KRAKEN IN A COUPLE OF HOURS (which first of all is INSANE, even if you are "tall with lots of alcoholic genetics" lol) and then decided that he absolutely needed to drive to his buddy's house, presumably to play GTA and smoke weed, and he wrapped his car around a fucking telephone pole in the process. Despite the sternum injury he gave himself (cancerian male!) he survived the event, and when he woke up in the hospital the next morning he told his mom and sisters (who never liked me to begin with) that the whole thing was MY FAULT because I had always been there to hide his keys before then, and I wasn't there that time, so that's why it happened. And they believed him of course because he was the precious baby boy of the family (the only son AND the youngest child!) and proceeded to harass me on Facebook for MONTHS after we broke up. And in January 2016 I found out he had apparently been cheating on me for a few months before we broke up anyway! So it was actually ridiculous.

And anyway my point here is that I always end up coming to the conclusion that even with all of the plentiful drunken experiences I've had in the last 15 years, I have never ever been sooooooo drunk that Ive considered driving somewhere for any reason, and I would literally never. I don't understand how he did it. The thought of driving anywhere other than home after I've had more than 2 cocktails/beers/glasses of wine is actually so scary to me and makes me anxious to even think about tbh!

And how the fuck did I ever put any energy into someone who acts like that in general, you know? I sold myself so short constantly before I met my husband tbh

[lost-technology]

Hey. Please please please don't do anything drastic. I know it seems really dark right now, and it is. Yesterday was a horrible day for everyone and it will continue to be hard as we all process. But it's so so so important that you keep on living through that.

One half of this that is absolutely true is that you need to keep on living to spite them. You need to live longer than him and laugh when he's gone. Your life in itself is resistance and that's infinitely valuable.

The other half is that, no matter if you believe this or not right now, the world would be darker without you. I mean this really and truly. I don't know you in real life so I can't speak to that, but you bring a lot of positivity and unique views to the trigun fandom. Your reblogs are how I found a lot of the trigun blogs I now follow. Your comments and discussions on Rem make me happy to read, just grinning in real life because someone cares so much about a character that needed more time. It's simple stuff really, but that's what's important. Even people you've never spoken to like me are positively impacted by your life. And that increases tenfold for people who know you in real life that you do speak to and that love you and want you around no matter if they say it out loud or not.

Please keep living. You bring something unique to this world and you're a nice person, which goes for a lot these days. And if you can't believe that, live for spite, just for now, and maybe the other stuff can come later.

Please live. I'm sorry for being so long winded but you really do have a much bigger impact than you could ever see without someone telling you and I want you to know.

We can all get through this and you're not alone. Being together is how we can find strength. So stay and be together with us. Please.

I'm sorry for the long ask. Just want to make sure you at least hear this stuff. You're important.

I do need to get on the phone with my therapist. It's just... I feel like the hits just keep on coming, neverending in my life. This hope to have the first ever Madame President and to not have a man in office (again) who shows all signs of going full fascist - it is bringing up grief in such a way that it seems to be bleeding into my lingering grief over a family-loss I had last year. I'm feeling similar ways. Last year, my nephew died (adult, just on the cusp of 40, my partner's nephew). He was my best friend, my gaming buddy and we were the three amigos on holidays and whatnot. We had him up for almost an entire year on Covid-lockdown living with us. He got me through my partner's heart-attacks when he had those in previous years. Matt was the one who broke the news to me that there was going to be a new Trigun anime because he knew I basically lived and breathed Trigun back in the day and still counted Vash as my personal hero. And then, in January '23, he was gone - cause of death unknown, probably his heart giving out - because he had some health issues. I basically had to go through that. I've been feeling like I've just gotten to pulling myself out of the muck of that, was just starting to feel better (with some random meloncholy still hitting me), and now I'm running into yet another big thing that's making me think "What is life even for?" - There's no justice here. I have no power. There is no rhyme or reason. I also lost a couple of aunts during Covid times, both eldery - one to the disease itself, another through something unrelated, both in 2021. I wasn't as close to them anymore, but it hurt. I had to go into inpatient psychiatric in 2021 because some misunderstandings, a huge fight, a dogpiling (of me) and a public tumblr callout post in one small niche area of the She-Ra fandom just made me lose it. I was accused of plagerism (not true. There was a misunderstanding with someone regarding idea-exchange and what I was allowed use in roleplays on a small roleplay discord. I did legit read things wrong, but it's not like I ganked someone's ideas for a publically available fanfic or was trying to "steal their characters" like they whined to everyone in the fandom about), but because anyone accuses of that, immedately everyone else will side with them and not even look further into it, I was suddenly losing friends - I freaked out, myself and got to harassing some people in a defensive snarl - and then some asshole had to take it off the discords and make it public, which meant I was shunned by an entire fandom and was basically told that I was human garbage and believed it. I did something untoward to myself and had a little hospital stay. The person who intervened to save my life was that now-deceased nephew. And so, I've just been going through hit after hit, some of it being hangover from "We all got crazy under Trump and under Trump's attempts to get back into power" and now... that's a thing again... I am also on Social Security / Disability and am worried about my future. I worked very hard to get it and it might go away. My partner was on the cusp of getting it until they raised the retirement age and who knows he might not get it. We might die freezing under a bridge, I don't know. There is always the question of "Well, now or later?" that looms in the mind. "Murdered by the State or go on my own terms?" I want to be brave like Vash and Rem, but they are fiction and I don't know if I am capable of their strength of heart. Thank you for talking to me.

[butterflyintochains]

Getting The Talk

Just a little TangerKarlsson thing, set roughly after 'Those Small Details' and 'Finding Out'. The team are incredibly protective over Tanger after all he's been through, so, upon learning of this supposed long term relationship he's been in. There is a step Erik must be put through before everyone moves forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik is confused as hell right now, to put it lightly. He has no idea what Sid wanted him down at Cranberry for a day after the season ended. Things didn't go entirely to plan, but Erik has Kris, and that's all that matters. Kris, however, is probably in bed still, sleeping peacefully without him. Kris did briefly laugh and wish him luck when the text came, though. Still, Erik wanted to sleep in with his partner this morning, not have to drive down to the training rink for no good reason. He parks, huffs out an irritated breath, and heads inside. He first heads to the team's now cleared out dressing room. Dreading whatever is inside, he opens the doors, and enters the room, seeing basically half the team sitting at their stalls. ''Hi, guys, what can I do for you today?'' He asks happily.

Sid seems to be in business mode today, because all he says is. ''Take a seat, Erik.'' Oh, first names, this is serious. Erik could inquire further, but thinks better of it, and sits down at his stall. ''Okay, I'm sat, can I know why I've been pulled out of a warm bed at nine in the morning?''

Geno bluntly asks him. ''When did all this with Kris start?'' Okay... what the hell? Erik simply says. ''I've told you, Geno, the 2011 All Star Game, we agreed to be exclusive the following year. Why? Why is this important?''

Rusty asks, arms crossed over his chest. ''What about after our 2017 cup run? He was miserable, for a long time, too. What was that about?'' Ah, yes, his biggest sin in life, the 2017 fuck up of the millennium. ''I'm not proud of it, Rusty. I was angry we lost, took it out on the man I love, and we broke up. I hate myself for it still, I was a fucking idiot for it.''

PO, all but a son to them in spirit, asks. ''When did you two get back together, then?''

Erik allows himself a small smile, nostalgia for that night flooding in. ''Funny enough, the 2019 All Star game in San Jose. I guess the love was too strong, and we just... agreed to give things another go.'' Sid suddenly sits up straighter, looking thunderstruck. ''Wait, 2019? I was there! And, I found out about you two in january this year! How the hell did that slip by me?''

Erik chuckles, risking a jab at his new captain and brother-in-law. ''That's not our fault, Sid. We literally kissed in the bar that night, you were too busy talking to Flower and Nate to notice.'' Jeff asks, humoured by Sid's obliviousness. ''How did Flower know about you two so early?''

Geno remarks, examining his nails. ''Flower knows everything, Carts.'' That much is true, he is a goalie after all, and Kris' confidant. He's surprised Flower isn't here to grill him as well. Tristan pipes up, asking him. ''How serious is this thing between you and Kris?'' Erik furrows his brows. ''Tristan, we live together, we've been together longer than you've been in the NHL.''

Sid asks the big question, looking Erik in the eyes. ''What are your intentions towards Kris? Do you love him?''

Erik states, because this is as much a fact as grass being green. ''I love Kris more than anything in this world. I intend to make him happy, to support him, to stand by his side forever. I don't entirely know if I deserve him, but I love Kris. And, he loves me.'' Geno asks further. ''Would you ever hurt him again like you did back then?''

Erik shakes his head. ''No, I'd rather die than hurt him, Geno. I pushed him away once, I'm never doing that again.''

Sid nods. ''Good, he means the world to us, Erik. If anything happens to him, this entire thing falls apart. He's my brother, and I'll see no harm come to him.''

Erik swallows, throat dry from talking. ''He means the world to me too, Sid. Like I say, I'd rather die than do anything to hurt him.'' Finally, Marcus speaks up, asking. ''Has anyone ever tried to pull you away from him?''

Erik nods, that's not been exactly fun to navigate the last decade and a bit. ''Yeah, lots of people in this league. They tried, all of them failed. I'm his, he's mine, end of story.''

Sid remarks, chuckling a bit. ''Kris used to deal with that too, used to piss him off. He'd complain about being flirted with, always said he was taken, I never once thought he was taken by you.'' Well, who wouldn't flirt with Kris? Good to know most hockey players are switched on at least. ''That doesn't surprise me. I mean, look at him, y'know?''

A french-canadian voice from the doorway chimes in. ''Likewise, mon amour.'' The entire room looks to Kris, leaning against the doorway, hand on his hip, a massive smile on his face. Kris strides in, and sits at his stall next to Erik. It's only now that everyone can feel how powerful they are together, how deep this love runs. ''How did this all come to be, Kris?'' Rusty asks.

Kris shrugs, running his index finger down his nose. ''We were in practice, saw each other across the ice, and the rest is history.'' Erik laughs, nudging Kris on the shoulder. ''Then, this idiot does fastest skater backwards to impress me.''

Kris jokes, a very slight flush rising on his cheeks. ''You liked it, don't lie to me. Made Keith look stupid, I still won.''

Jeff asks them both. ''I still don't get it, why keep this a secret for so long?''

Kris says, indicating to Sid and Geno. ''They are why. We saw the media attention that Sid and Geno get, how public it all was, and we wanted none of that. We wanted to be Kris and Erik: the men. Not Letang and Karlsson: the players.''

Erik adds. ''That's what we still want, really, I'd have hated to live this last decade in a fishbowl.''

Geno nods, and agrees with them. ''The media hasn't been fun, that's for sure. I love you, Sid, but the press are dumb.'' Sid nods, they've got a point there. ''Yeah, I feel that too, G.''

Marcus asks Kris. ''How long had you been standing there?'' Kris says, grinning. ''Long enough. Kinda funny hearing you guys try to be intimidating, to be honest.''

Sid looks incredulous at the notion he isn't as intimidating as he'd like to be. ''What? You think I'm not intimidating enough?'' Kris cocks an eyebrow at his brother. ''Sid, last I looked, I lead us in penalty minutes this year.'' Everyone bursts out laughing.

Kris addresses the room as a whole. ''Look, boys, I know you love me. But, Erik and I are very happy together, we've been through a lot, long distance included. We're okay, we're settled, we're excited for what's to come.''

Geno asks, smiling when Erik takes Kris' hand in his own, and Kris rests his head on Erik's shoulder. ''Are you sure?'' Erik nods, and says, body now completely relaxed. ''We're sure.'' Sid looks at his best friend, usually so stoic, his body soft with comfort. They do fit together so well, and look so content together. ''Do you speak each other's languages?'' Sid asks, his Russian leaves a lot to be desired to be put lightly.

Erik nods. ''Yeah, I had Kris and Flower teach me french, I think I'm pretty good at it.''

Kris assures him. ''Your french is great, amour, trust me. Erik and Horny have taught me all the swedish I know.'' Erik says, lovingly praising him. ''You're the best student I've had, hjartat.''

Rusty asks, seeming a bit confused by that. ''Why? You two speak perfect english to each other.''

Kris simply states, lifting his head back up. ''That's what you do for the one you love, Rusty. Besides, we live between Montreal and Sweden in summer, so we need both.''

Geno asks Kris. ''So, that's why you and Horny stayed late after training all that time? He was teaching you swedish for Karl?'' Kris nods, smiling brightly. ''Wow.'' Geno says.

To make things even more surreal, Sully walks in, he must've known this meeting was happening today, because he just laughs. He's known the core for a decade now, and is deeply in tune with all their weird quirks. But, as if he's a father interrogating his child's significant other, he asks Erik and Kris. ''So, this is you two, then? I have two power couples to coach now?''

Kris nods, and says. ''Yeah, pretty much.'' Sully nods, and adds something to his phone. ''Good to know.'' He leaves after that.

After the little meeting is over, the assembled Penguins head to Kris and Erik's place for lunch together. They eat outside so as to enjoy the beautiful spring day. Kris is deep in conversation with Tristan, PO, Rusty, and Carts. Sid says to Erik. ''You know, grilling aside, I could not be happier for you two, you know? I've known Kris for so long, but I've never seen him more at peace.''

Erik smiles, and looks over to Kris again, they share a look. ''Thank you, Sid. It's not been easy for us, but here we are.'' Geno says, backing Sid up. ''You deserve each other, Karl.'' Erik nods, he doesn't say anything, just gives his concerned partner an assuring nod. They'll be okay, and now they know they've got the entire team behind them.

That night, Erik slumps down in bed next to Kris, and says. ''Y'know, that might just have been the weirdest day of my life since I got here.'' Kris laughs, plugging his phone in for the night, and taking one of his night time blood thinners. ''Wondered when that was coming, I was hoping for earlier in the year, but now was as good a time as any, I suppose.''

Erik shuts his bedside light off, and lies down, still pondering what the hell happened today. ''Was it like that when Sid and Geno got together?''

Kris lies down himself. ''Kinda, Mario took Geno aside for a talk, and Gonch did the same with Sid. It wasn't the whole team, though. All I remember was them both coming back looking exactly as you do now.''

Erik chuckles, wishing he was around for that, but it would've been before he was drafted if his math is correct. ''Good to know this is a family thing. Might get Hedman to give you the talk, actually.'' Kris laughs, and kisses Erik on the lips, running his fingers through Erik's growing hair. ''I look forward to that.''

They finally get to sleep together, one of the strangest days of their relationship finally over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just something short and sweet for this plot bunny that's been living in my head for a week or so now. With some slight references to some past events, and plenty of found family dynamics involved. My TangerKarlsson magnum opus will forever be 'Rival Captains In Love' but, i think this has been fun to write in a different way.

Anyway, enjoy!

necessary tag: @tylerpitlicktruther

[earthwormjimnocontext]

How did you get into Earthworm Jim in the first place?

Oh it is a long and bittersweet story.

Spring of 2019, I was in 6th grade. I was at my mom's house, this was back when my best friend Tom, was dating my mother (that's how we met and became friends), and was watching some sort of WatchMojo countdown on my TV in my room (I think it was for funniest game endings) and Earthworm Jim appeared on #2. It immediately caught my attention. Something in me immediately wanted to know more about it. So I went downstairs and asked Tom (he was a twitch streamer so I figured he knew the most about video games) "What's Earthworm Jim?"

Tom was so excited he jumped up and told me "I'll tell you in the morning!" And so the next morning, he set up his Xbox One and sat me down to play Jim HD. I fell in love with the game immediately, I've only ever really played this kind of game I only affiliated it with Mario and DuckTales (I was a Wii U baby) and it felt more like DuckTales with the 2D animation. It spoke out to be as being unique being weird being funny I could use a gun, I can use myself as a whip! And it was challenging the levels were memorable. When I struggled my way to the end for the first time, I was so mad because I found out that Tom set the difficulty to me to easy so I didn't get the ending, that by the time he got home he heard me cursing and yelling from outside "FUCK YOU, I'M BEATING IT ON ORIGINAL." I played the game all over again.

Then, Tom showed me the cartoon in the summer. I was already into stuff like the Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain because it was on Hulu, so the Earthworm Jim cartoon hooked me. Not only did I love something but I love something with a friend, this was me and Tom's show, whenever mom would be sleeping for work (night shift), the two of us would go out to Popeyes, pick up some chicken (she prefers KFC), some root beer, (there is a local brand that has the absolute best and it was made with honey) and then watch the show together all throughout the summer. I very frequently borrowed his DVD.

Then it became fall and I was a 7th grader. I had the worst English teacher I could have possibly had, she wanted everything on paper if you go over to her to get some revisions on a computer she would demand that you print it you print it and then she points out the revisions so you have to type it out again and then you have to print some more. she tried to force paper on everybody including the parents, it was a nightmare. So while she had an audiobook on I started to doodle. And what was on my ASD laced mind?

This. I wrote it down on tests and papers to let myself know that I was doing a good job. My doodles were not very good at first and I never really considered art because I just hated coloring originally. Then Christmas came, and I got given an Earthworm Jim lunch box, and it was my favorite Christmas present of that year. That Christmas was the last Christmas with Tom and my Mother...

And then came January of 2020. I went to Magfest on an invitation from Tom, I got to play the original version on a Super Nintendo and my mom was just laughing at me failing everything because even though I could beat the HD version easily I never touched the original. One night I accidentally left my journal at the dinner table and Tom found it, it was filled with Jim sketches. He immediately brought it to me and gave me constructive criticism and praise, I felt absolutely proud because I never really got complimented on that kind of thing before on something that wasn't math. One last grace before...

February of 2020. Tom and Mom broke up. Their relationship didn't work out for a number of reasons, and Tom had to leave to go somewhere to find a job. Before he left, he gave me his copy of the Earthworm Jim cartoon, installed Jim 3D on my mom's computer, and I gave him some traces I did of the Jim 3D bosses.

Then the pandemic happened right on my birthday, and right at the perfect age of turning 13, and having the ability to interact with the internet.

I'm sorry for the long ass story that's genuinely what happened.

[sisterwolfsbane]

MINORS GO AWAY, THIS IS A KINK BLOG

I'm awake, reminiscing on when I realized that I had caught feelings, then shortly after fell in love with my boyfriend. I know he's gonna see this and come up in our Discord server or even this ask box like 'WHAT?' 🤣 I'm sorry, love, bear with me lol.

So, I think it was November or December of 2023, when I first felt something stir. I quickly dismissed it for a few reasons:

One, I was stoned off my ass, and two, it had only been a month or two, since I broke up with my ex of nearly half a decade. It was too soon.

"Huh... Am I feeling attracted to him? ....No, Wolfsbane, you're stoned, go listen to Uncle Acid and The Deadbeats."

Except the feelings didn't fade the next day I was sober. They were still there, even after I took a tolerance break for a good while. And then when I realized I had in fact fallen for him, there would be periods where I'd feel this deep sadness. A longing.

Now, I hear you going, "Sister, why didn't you tell him??"

Because at that time, he still saw me as the sibling friend. (We're not related, at one point in our friendship we referred to each other as siblings)

And I didn't want him to think I was weird or some shit, I didn't want to cross that boundary from friendship to romance. I didn't want to be so quick to confess my feelings. So, I did what I normally do with scary emotions- that I'm now working with my therapist on- bottled it up.

I never said anything for a long time. I thought keeping it inside was the best course of action until, maybe, just maybe, he'd feel the same way, one day.

This didn't exactly work because so many times, the emotion 'leaked out' so to speak. By that I mean, I caught myself staring at any selfies or pics he sent for longer, complimenting what I found the most pretty in said selfie.

And then I did a very millennial thing lol. I know people my age did this on MySpace- and still do it on some platforms.

I started posting bits and pieces of song lyrics to express the now storm of emotions on my old side Tumblr lol. Mainly Sleep Token. (Yes, sweetface, that's what that was >///<)

I started listening to bands like Death Cab For Cutie, and my dramatic, musical theatre ass listened to 'On My Own,' God knows how many times, feeling like Eponine, even though he wasn't in love with someone else sdgffgdfgfg I was an absolute disaster and nobody knew it lol.

Cut to April this year. Around January or February we decided on being platonic partners because we were so close. I still hadn't said anything yet but oh man, it was building.

Around April, we were having another one of our deep talks like we do every so often. It was mainly how we couldn't believe we'd been friends for three years now, and how much the both of us have changed.

At one point, he said he saw myself as more to him than just a platonic or even romantic partner. That his love for me went deeper than that. He saw me as more than just a soulmate too.

(Note at the time, we came into the belief that we were each other's soulmate, due to the circumstances of our friendship. It is not my place to talk about his personal stuff but we believe there was a reason we met for sure.)

I told him, I did too. And that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without him.

And now we're here. Planning a marriage for when we meet, move in together, and spend more time with each other. We're not going to rush! I don't think I've ever been this happy and nor have I ever felt this way about another person. Not even my ex.

I love him to the moon, back and beyond the farthest reaches.