#we as an audience might know they never do fully work their shit out and so are doomed but they don't at that point

[dxxtruction]

"Louis acting like a pimp to Armand" And what is a pimp exactly? Quickly. And, oh so sexual trauma survivors can't engage in kink now without it being all about that? Pet names? They can't be submissive anymore? Consensually? Sexually healthy? Be serious. I'd hardly say there's much power difference between them during all this anyway, except that Louis is freer than Armand and it's been putting a strain on their relationship. Louis wants more from Armand, and less of this 'being his past' for them both, and so helping Armand with this could fix that. It's healthy to want to help your partners get out of a rough patch?

I mean, the whole exchange was very clearly set up as a "I want to help you" after such a great moment of vulnerability Louis feels just how much Armand is desperate for it. Louis called Armand so they could work out a plan together.

And the bit with the umbrella was Louis' way of asking 'are you willing to listen to me?' and Armand said yes by unfolding it. Louis goes on and explains, Armand is allowed to argue against it, but Louis makes his point. And then he gives Armand a way to make his own choice in it too. Armand's already decided 'I want you, more than anything else in the world', but Louis still asks after if he's sure of his choice, and with a name, Arun, that is the one of his fullest agency, running the point home. Honoring the situation Armand calls Louis Maitre - as a way of being like 'I'll do as you've said then'. To make this work he's going to have to give Louis some of the control, yes. But it's the first time such a role is ever established, and it was his choice to do it. So so what if they do it in a very suggestive way? They can't like doing that? I think it's them having fun.

I struggle to find how Louis is being overly domineering here when really he's giving and offering Armand the most agency he's ever had. Same with finding it manipulative. The manipulation was more earlier in the episode I think, when he was stringing him along, giving mixed signals. He's no longer toying with him like that. Louis might be pushing Armand, leading him on to make a decision, but he doesn't mean bad by it.

But back to this pimp thing. I find it frankly offensive that this is where people are going with this. I get it, but to run with it being the case is, on many levels, wrong.

Louis told us episode 1 this was the only sustainable line of work to support his family and keep their standing, at the time. It was never his choice to be doing this either but his blackness allowed no other options. He did what he did so his family could stay in that house and maintain all their same comforts. It gave him privileges most black men didn't have at the time that he wanted to maintain and even have more of. Anyway, it doesn't and had never defined him the way 'being good at running things' had. And in that case he just likes having that kind of control where he can get it, which makes sense.

The world is what placed that kind of role onto him of what he was allowed to be able to run, not himself. And on that he actually treated the sex workers he employed well and respected them enough to give them more opportunity.** He recognizes they don't have much in the way of options either.

Louis employed sex workers, yes, but he didn't subject them to abuse, (like how Armand was)*. He didn't oversee things in a way that would go against their consent (see; episode 1 again)**. Sometimes a job is just a job. And Sex work is work.

Armand's particular past with sexual abuses may strike a particular cord with Louis, given all that, but the very last thing either is thinking is that Louis' pimping Armand out here. This is merely their decision as companions, and had nothing to do with adding another line in a laundry list of selling Armands body out to people at the command of someone else. Armand rescinds some of his control to Louis' wishes, because he wants him, and he trusts him, that's all.

If you aren't allowing Armand that choice, and are doubtful it's fully his, you're putting him right back in the box of being defined by his abuses. Putting him back into that space where he isn't given any agency over what he does. (Which is exactly opposite of what the intent of this scene is for)*.

*: (edit) added for clarity.

**: (strike through) numerous people are saying I'm misremembering these points so disregard it. (Thought he was siding with Bricks, it was the other way around). (Technically one aspect of those opportunities were for getting around the law). I don't have a perfect memory, it happens. Let's not get mad about it. Doesn't change much of the point which is that Louis, now, Louis then, was always considering more about the running things and for stated purposes. So I guess I'd say he may only have respected the SWers enough sometimes for what allowed him to do that, and there are moments he certainly expressed remorse over the fact, but he has a great deal higher respect for Armand that is genuine. It's incomparable. Please read my added notes in the tags, it should address most other concerns.

[hiemaldesirae]

The Hazbin Graduate’s Guide to Homicide (3)

HAZBIN'S MIDSEMESTER STUDENT REPORT Student: Vox Vanhal Supervising Staff: Professor Enoch Leviathan Sponsor: Not Applicable To the Board: Vox Vanhal may be one of the most brilliant students this school has seen in decades. In all my years of teaching at Hazbin, I have never met a student more insanely ready to learn and apply their skills- due in part, of course, to said student's own possible insanity. I mean this in a jovial way, of course, but I will admit that when young Vanhal's true identity was revealed to me that my first thought was along the lines of 'is this student insane?' Whether or not my student's reason should be called into question is something myself and my fellow professor Asmodeus have discussed in length, but there is one thing that we can definitively agree on: If there is any one student in this school who I would choose to place my bets on, it would be Vox Vanhal. There is nothing more to say at this time of report evaluation. Sincerely, Professor Leviathan.

May God's blessings be with you now and at the hour of our deaths, Amen.

[ 1 ] / [ 2 ] (<- read these first for context and more murder academy radiostatic content!)

Though Alastor may have thought that Vox was much more knowledgable in how Hazbin's Institution for Homicide worked, the truth was, Vox was still fully flying on the seat of his own coattails.

He had no damn clue what he was doing still, and although it'd been two weeks since he'd arrived, part of him still felt like how he did when he'd first arrived: hesitant, scared, not knowing where to go or what to do besides the want to make his boss suffer as he killed him.

That level of animosity might sound strange to anyone not a Hazbin student or alumnus, but it was perfectly normal for any student enrolled in the academy to have such feelings. After all, there was quite a rigorous process involved in the application, and for Vox, this application process (and what led to it) was perhaps more intense than most.

There had once been a time where Vox had dreamed of becoming a Hollywood starlet, one who lit up the silver screen and was blessed by hundreds of thousands of cheering, dedicated fans who would fawn over his every move and action. He'd wanted to follow in his mother's footsteps, at one point. But after taking on his first roles in Carmine Studios, the glamour of Hollywood had shattered like fine glass.

"Miss Vesper! Would you please look over here for a second?"

"Miss Vesper, when is your next movie coming out?!"

"Miss Vesper, is it true that you and your co-star on Anna Karenina, Valentino Vega had an affair-?"

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! That- fucking bastard!" Vox rushed into the privacy of his and Val's shared apartment, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed into the couch, head cradled in his hands. He couldn't even begin to start detailing the number of ways he'd wanted to fucking butcher and rip apart his boss.

Andrealphus Goetia was no stranger to the spotlight, naturally. One of Hollywood's top directors, the man had been an influential cornerstone in the history of movie-making, a real legend to light the days. But behind that picturesque platinum reputation laid a monstrous piece of shit.

It had been a complete accident that Andrealphus had found out about Vox's identity.

Vox himself hadn't even really planned out what to do about himself at that point, only that he'd known that the dresses he wore on screen were far more suited to his best friend than they were for him. Knew that the copious amounts of makeup flattened on him everyday made him feel more like a clown than a princess, that it was the most uncomfortable feeling to have to sit and play the pretty face for the audience's sake.

But he persisted, telling himself, one more year, one more year til my savings account has enough to supply Val and I with a comfortable life and we can leave.

But of course- of course Andrealphus had to ruin it for him.

The man had found out and immediately proceeded to blackmailing Vox with the information, holding things such as promotions, media gossip and rumors over his head. And now... now... Vox stared down at the script he held clutched in his hand, his knuckles turning white as he grasped it with an iron grip.

"Dieser verdammte bastard," Vox muttered under his breath.

Though he'd never loved the spotlight that came with his first taste of fame, he had loved acting. Had loved being adored for his skill, applauded for the emotions that he could evoke in crowds of people and the way he could twist people's hearts. He had wanted to be one of the best, a household name.

And now, he stared down at the script for a movie that Andrealphus knew would tank his reputation. It was absolute bullshit. The plot was held together by thin strings and a bit of glue, despite being an adaptation of one of the past decade's best selling books. Not only that, but the moment he left the safety of the apartment once more, he would also have to contend with the rumors that were steadily piling against him and dragging his loved ones and friends into it too.

All this, because Vox had refused to sleep with his shitty boss.

He could still hear the fucker's voice- come on, don't you wanna say that you got a piece of me? I'll even leave out the part about you being a transvestite, darling, just the fact that I got a piece of you is enough.

God. If only.... if only he could see that bastard's face when he crushed his fucking skull in between his hands. He wanted to see Andrealphus' stupid face contort in revulsion and terror when Vox finally did the deed, wanted to bathe in the the fotze's inbred blood. He'd do anything for the chance to just kill that piece of shit-

"Amorcito?"

Val's voice makes Vox jump on the spot, quickly shifting to hide the script from view. His friend comes around the corner, eyebrows furrowed with concern, and it's this that makes Vox break his composure, a single tear falling down his face as Val frowns, taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Voxxy, amor... tell me what's wrong."

And because he can never keep his mouth shut when it comes to his best friend, Vox tells him everything. Val nods along, pauses at the right moments, all of that stuff that friends do when they're trying to let you know that they'd rip apart your shitty boss if not for the law.

But- and perhaps this is something that Vox knew deep down to be true anyway- Val was a bit different in that aspect. He'd met the man under... less than legal circumstances, after all, and he knew that Val was the heir to quite the illustrous cartel career.

So when Valentino stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder and hands him an application paper for Hazbin, telling him to think it through, Vox barely takes even a second glance at it before filling it out.

Now, two months later and sitting in the auditorium of Hazbin's famed Music Hall, Vox doesn't find himself regretting the decision. Sure, it's a bit lonely without Val's supporting presence by his side, but the students he's met so far have proved to be some of the friendliest people he's had the pleasure of knowing: ironic, considering the kind of school they're studying at. And he's even managed to make a friend! Not that bad a start, altogether.

Vox absentmindedly doodles on the edge of his notes as Professor Leviathan's soothing voice lectures them on the importance of a proper alibi. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, but it has an airtight alibi, it is...?"

"Not a duck," the auditorium echoes back to the professor, who nods, looking satisfied with the class's response. "So, then! The first step to alibi making is...? Miss Velvette, perhaps you'd like to answer this one for us?"

The girl sitting beside Vox shoots up in her seat, looking as if she'd just fallen asleep and was awoken by the professor's question. "Uh... the..."

After a moment of silence and stuttering, Vox takes pity on the girl, sliding Velvette over a slide of paper that she squints at before reading. "Make sure you're in a different place from the crime?"

"And how would I do that?"

"I... uh. Use an accomplice...?" Velvette stutters.

Professor Leviathan shakes his head, looking disappointed. "Not quite. One thing you will have to learn at Hazbin's is that you should never rely on any other person to carry your deed out for you. No hiring accomplices- after all, paid personnel's loyalty is shaky and they have no honor code preventing them from taking you to the police- and absolutely no committing crimes as lovers, unless you can guarantee that neither of you will be snitching. Would anyone else like to take a try?"

Vox raises his hand hesitantly. "Move the crime scene or otherwise obscure the culprit?"

Professor Leviathan snaps his fingers, "Yes! Absolutely. One of the best ways to make yourself an iron clad alibi is, if the pope is shot in the church at midnight, make sure that you are seen halfway across town in the bar at midnight; so drunk that you cannot even leave until your wife comes to pick you up at two- and no one will suspect you, even if he was actually killed right outside the pub and moved to the church instead. By moving the crime scene, you can make yourself an ironclad alibi. Obscuring the identity of the perpetrator and making it someone who couldn't possibly be you also works splendidly. After all, if the police believe the murderer to be a six foot tall adult man, then the actual perpetrator, a four foot tall young woman, would be able to pass by completely unnoticed. Thank you for that input, Vox. Now, onto the actual creation of such an alibi..."

When class ends, Vox is the first to leave his seat and head for the door, intending on leaving and getting to Track with Professor Satan as quick as possible when someone stops him in his tracks with a firm grip on his shoulder.

"Hey. Vox Vanhal, right?"

"That would be me, yes," Vox turns to face the person he's talking to, only to be met with the young woman that Professor Leviathan had called out in class earlier. "You were... Velvette?"

"Yep, that's me," the chipper young woman responds. "Listen, I know you don't know me at all, but I really need to get through this school year. Like- look, okay, I'm in a little bit over my head right now. I still want to go here and do what everyone here does, of course, I'd love to just go and plunge a damn butcher's knife into my cunt of an ex-friend's neck, but... well, you saw how I did back in class- look, what I'm trying to get at is I need someone to help me. And you're like, Leviathan's star student. So- I don't care what I have to do, I'll-"

Vox holds up a hand to stop her.

"I don't need you to do anything for me, unless you've got any tips on how to kill my boss and make him suffer during it. But I'll help you with whatever you need to study during your courses. Just..." He pauses, taking a moment to think out what he's about to ask. "Could you teach me how you did your makeup on your own?"

Velvette blinks, clearly not expecting that response. She laughs, a shrill, sharp bark and grabs his hand to shake it firmly. "Yeah, 'course I can. So, do we have a deal?"

"We do," Vox smiles. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

[milgram-tournament]

MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 2, Match 4 TEAR DROP vs. BACKDRAFT

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for TEAR DROP:

"yuno kashiki enthusiast here anyways tear drop propaganda WE BALL

let's start off with the lyrics! holy fuck, i'm so glad yuno finally got to say what she's wanted to say!!

and she fully shows the fact that she does compensated dating through the lyrics ("the wanted wanting the wanted")

and even if it sounds like she's scolding the audience for the song, she's also scolding her clients! they only perceive her as a certain type of character and deciding that's all she is. She's upset that we decided based on how "naïve" she looked instead of her actual crime (to be honest, I could write a whole analysis into why her murder is perfect for her character anywa) and she doesn't care what will happen to her, she needs her opinions heard

also kinda rap section?? banger fr

THE VISUALS!! GOOD LORD THE VISUALS!!! THEY ARE SO BANGER!!! they're really pretty and gosh i literally don't know what to say, the scene where vampire is in the background and it transitions to yuno sitting on her bed... the pink tinted glasses (YES FUCK I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!) THE COAT!! THOSE INBETWREN SCENES i'm obbing

AND THE INSTRUMENTAL!! PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU ALL LISTEN TO THE INSTRUMRNTAL OF HER SONG THERES SO MANY SMALL DETAILS!! SIRENS, TEAR DROPS RAHHH THE CLAPS/CLICKING TJE TECHNO PIANO GUITAR??? THE INSTRIMENTS I CANT NAME I THINK THEY ALL HAVE SOME READON OF BEING IN THE SONG AND I WILL FIND OUT IN AN ANAKYSIS POST I JUDT LOVE IT AUEUEU

literally tear drop is the banger ever i listen to this shit religiously thank you for listening to my tear drop propaganda"

---

-Yuno’s voice. Enough said. -The imagery in the MV is brilliantly used, and doesn’t shy away from the horrors of Yuno’s line of work. -Vampire cameo!!! -Almost Lo-Fi vibes to the instrumental?? I can’t really explain it but it’s a vibe and I’m 100% here for it,

---

"For teardrop: The pink aesthetic in the MV as a whole makes it super nice to look at :D"

Propaganda for BACKDRAFT:

"Backdraft may be a minute shorter than Bring It On, but it’s still over three minutes long, and it makes up for the lost minute with a complex form. The “Pressure! Pressure!” might be the only part that truly repeats.

At the beginning, Fuuta is showing off, acting cool. Then the music slows down as he ponders his verdict. Then the music picks up the pace again and gets more and more frantic as the consequences of his actions catch up to him.

See that structure in the three distinct verses that sound nothing like anything else in the song: cool, contemplative, and “oh no, what have I done”.

The “chorus” (burn burn!) never stays the same. You’ve got the “cool” first chorus. Then you have the muted second chorus as it sinks in that Fuuta’s victim was a middle-school girl, which leads into the tense final chorus (which is twice as long as the first) as the victim and Fuuta both burn.

The instrumental and the spoken-word from the beginning combine in the end, changing the mood of the stanza from confident and showy to panicked and desperate.

And the words… You can hear the wordplay in the last stanza, even if you don’t understand it.

Appreciate this chaotic masterpiece of a song."

---

- Fuuta being very cocky at first before realizing how fucked he is (it is kinda funny) - The use of spray cans and overall graffiti symbolism, it’s so good - The multiple eyes and people off camera showing how paranoid Fuuta has become, it’s really well done without being obvious - The name backdraft meaning when a fire deprived of oxygen gets a sudden influx of it. A kind of metaphor for what Fuuta did. Then it being shown through a spray can explosion, aaaa it’s really cool! - Fuuta’s overall look changing, being more realistic on how he actually looks contrasting Bring It On’s idealistic version of himself - Es at the end!! The only time Es shows up in a prisoner’s MV!!! And they looks so damn cool - Also the entire eye thing referencing the audience, he perceives us lmfao

---

"Back draft is incredible because it not only has great visual symbolism with the use of the spray cans but its visual symbolism shows a progression from ‘Bring it on’. In ‘Bring it on’ the channelling is glorious , fuuta is surrounded by people and fuuta idealised himself (taller , better teeth , better posture ect) , the people he cancelled were portrayed as these powerful rpg monsters but now in back now the channelling is portrayed as vandalism a crime as destructive , the ally is empty we only ever see others as hands or his victim fuuta is alone and fuuta is no longer idealising his appearance and his mind is now portraying his victim as a harmless cutesy drawing. This shows a change in how fuuta views his crime between T1 and T2. It wasn’t glorious, it wasn't justified , he was at fault. The fire being recontextsied as something out of control , all consuming and out of control which is the opposite of how it was portrayed in ‘Bring it on’ we really see how the vote has changed fuuta."

"There are so many things in the song that show a progression "

-“ deliciously scorched till your mouth waters” > “I don’t want any more”

-fuuta spray paints the camera hen as the end es spray paints him/the camera

-the pressure graffiti changing

"There’s so many interesting details like the applause towards the start of the song , the personality in the subtitles like them going from “Burn , burn!” To “burn , burn?” But the pressure’s punctuation mark stayed the same:   “pressure , pressure!” , the way FIRE is the only word in full caps till LIES. The thumbs down fuuta does during “the fights up here! Come up to the ring and face me!” Part which is like his T1 art , the way the lighting changes from green towards the start and becomes red by the end (stop go colours) , The way fuuta is constantly interacting with the camera , spray painting it twice and kicking it."

"Backdraft actually makes amazing use of the camera , things are often shown from the (camera)audience’s perspective rather than us seeing the events removed. We are there like we are the ones doing it/looking through the eyes of the person doing it. When fuuta/the others spray paint the graffiti of his victim and the ice gorilla it's from the audience’s perspective , we don’t see them do it, we see it like we are doing it. When the spraypaint can explodes it's like it’s exploding in our face and then when es spray paints fuuta at the end they are spray painting the camera(audience). "

"Backdraft makes the most references to the voting system and uses it well to make the audience re-examine if they really are any different. Aren’t we using little information and inferences to hold people accountable for crimes we have no stake in? Aren’t we causing unintended harm? Aren’t we judging them from the safety of our screens? "

"And on a more silly level"

-ARTHUR CONANT GOES SO HARD IN THE VOCALS!!!! COME ON LISTEN TO BURN BURN AND TELL ME THIS MAN ISN’T GIVING IT HIS ALL!

-cat mouth fuuta :3 how can you not love cat mouth fuuta?

-lowpolydog designed amazing graffiti 

[unsentimentaltranslator]

“Wait, why are the edgelords right about the people who make ‘translation is loss’ posts?”

I don’t want any of the people I reblogged from under my old account, or any of the people I will undoubtedly reblog from under this account, to think I’m judging them for reblogging those posts. Those posts are the only point of view that non-translators on here tend to see, both because media translation is more interesting to the average non-translator than the majority of what we do and because while the tortured artist types are posting their laments on the internet, the rest of us are typically just getting on with our work. But “translation is sad because you can’t translate great literature in a way that fully replicates the experience enjoyed by those who speak the original language” is…not the best way to conceptualise translation for numerous reasons.

1. Most translators will never get to work on high-profile literature projects. You know that line in the song Don’t Be A Lawyer in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend where he says “Did you hope one day you’d find a way to spend four years working on a pharmaceutical company’s merger with another pharmaceutical company?” Yeah. And that’s not always a bad thing. “Translation is loss” is a romantic way of saying “if you work on prestigious literary projects, EVERYONE will have an opinion about the translation you did and many of those opinions will be the same kind of bitching that any high-profile creator has to deal with”. At most, I’d be willing to work on something like Marie Kondo’s books, where the audience is interested in the substance, not the style. Beyond that, forget it. I know what people are like.

2. Translation loss in prestigious literature is the kind that’s most talked about, but it’s one of the least actually consequential kinds. Not getting 100% of the original experience of reading a novel might be a bit of a bummer, but it’s not comparable to people dying because someone messed up a translation for an aircraft or a medical device or a bridge. It just isn’t. In my country, a dodgy translation of a treaty occupies the same place in our history as the smallpox-covered blankets in American history. That’s a tragedy. “We can be sad about both!” But you’re not.

3. Bridging the gaps between the two languages is OUR FUCKING JOB. If it was easy, we wouldn’t be hired in the first place. Academic study for translators is not supposed to be a fucking funeral for the source text (again, where would we be if translators in fields like aviation, medicine and construction did that?!); it is supposed to equip you with the analytical and problem-solving skills necessary to create the best target text possible. Which brings me to my final point:

4. If you’re a novice translator, the reason you find it so difficult to convey the source text in a way that is both accurate and natural is BECAUSE YOU ARE NEW TO THIS. You are going to need a lot of corrections at first. WE ALL DO. Some people never get good enough to translate professionally, just as not everyone is cut out to be a professional writer or artist or doctor or lawyer or teacher or pilot or athlete. That isn’t the profession’s fault. Every novice translator has to deal with a difficult learning curve and you can either blame it on the inherent nature of the profession or you can work on becoming the best translator you can be.

In closing:

 “ReAdEr i HaVe TaKeN LiBeRTiEs” NO FUCKING SHIT.

[quarterlifecrisis-activated]

So I’ve been thinking about my earlier post (idk how to link posts 🤷🏻‍♀️ so it’s the one about Zheng) and I’ve been trying to figure out her character arc. Because she’s not in the show a lot and I know there’s more there that got cut for time. I’ll be honest and say I never fully understood why she went to Ricky for her plan or what her full motivation was. I have some theories but I’m trying to piece together an arc using the gaps in said arc so it might be rough. So if you disagree please let me know because I’d love to discuss this more.

I love Zheng and I think she deserved more screen time in season 2. I tend to believe that Zheng does operate with good intentions overall, but when the point was raised about some of her totalitarian tendencies I had to restructure my view of the character. Because we don’t see much of her I use the little we do see and what other characters say about her to form my opinions. But there are different ways to interpret things and I go back and forth on what is actually going on. For example, her “join me or die” line is interesting. I took that line as a woah harsh, but that’s just piracy. We as an audience have to adjust our standards of acceptable behavior towards what is common for pirates. On the other hand that line indicates that Zheng doesn’t let people walk away from the table. And her recruitment of the Republic of Pirates is in a similar vein. Again, as a viewer I took what she was doing as kind of a pirate union, because of her demand for a livable wage as well as Olu, Jim, and Archie’s positive reaction towards it. Of course it’s also extortion by a powerful crime boss, which is far less wholesome. (Even though extortion of the British Crown is rad as hell.) I believe that these two opposing views are in a way both true and intentional of the writers.

Which brings me to Ricky and Zheng. I was caught off guard originally when I saw them meet together and initially brushed it off as “plot stuff that needed to happen”. But I think there’s something there. In many ways there are parallels between Zheng and Ricky, they’re both in charge (kinda for Ricky) of massive fleets and they both are striving for even more power. In Impossible Birds they have similar lines Ricky calls people rubes who don’t know the puzzle chest is valuable. And Zheng in the same episode says “you people know so little” in reference to the same chest. While I believe Zheng’s statement comes from her years of experience, Ricky’s is very obviously classist. She’s a character that is on the path to becoming like the people she hates. If she got that power she could very well turn into that authoritarian leader who only cares about power. But it’s her interaction with the crew and her relationship with Olu that is going to pull her back. We see her appreciation for Stede and the crew grow throughout the season, whereas she rejected and mocked it at the start. The destruction of her fleet was necessary and I don’t think it’s going to come back.

Which leads me to season 3 predictions. Cause the shows coming back and no one tell me otherwise. Zheng’s goal is to get Ricky and rebuild her fleet. I think Jim is going to play into her arc a lot during this season. They understand wanting Revenge and will probably push Zheng to appreciate the people around her, like Olu. Her ultimate arc (fitting with the theme of the show) will be about realizing the error of her ways and understanding community and softness. My theory on kind of how this happens is they’ll meet Captain Henry Morgan. I’ve been listening to Howard Pyle’s Book of Pirates at work and it gave me ideas. Captain Morgan has a fleet to rival Ricky’s and I can see them enlisting his help to get revenge. He also is a piece of shit. He stole money from his own men and fucked off and is still regarded as a great pirate. I can see him being like a Mr. Beast type, where he’s a cult of personality that cares little for other peoples safety but he still has a rabid following. It’ll be a great parallel as to what Zheng does not want to become. We’ll also get to see how pirates typically operate (Stede and Zheng are the exceptions) which will provide more context to Ed’s Kraken era. It’ll be a great way for the show to say how different Ed was truly operating in regards to pirate culture. I think it’ll be similar to his Kraken era but the confirmation will be nice to get.

Anyway, let me know what y’all think cause I’m spit balling her and I’d love to discuss.

[teeth-cable]

You know if Vivziepop wanted Helluva to transition from comedy to drama there was an easy ways to do its without jumping the shark.

The imps are hired killers payed by sinners who have done terrible shit.

Don't expect me to believe I.M.P. hasn't killed innocent people because you really think that awful people only have grudges against awful people.

Like Murder Family would be a great set up for this eventually coming up because Moxxie can't justify killing innocent people. Like all the clients have been evil so he can sleep at night but if there's a target who has done nothing wrong is Moxxie gonna be able to cross that line? Like this is prime conflict potential within I.M.P.

Maybe as the series progresses the main I.M.P. plot the imps get hired to kill for pettier and more petty shit. Hell have Stolas send them on missions like it was set up in the pilot if you want to justify him being here more and not take a left turn in the plot. Maybe have characters comment on how ridiculous the reason for revenge is.

Then imagine one day if the client is an abuser who was killed by their victim in self defense. As the episode goes on we see hints and clues to what went down. Maybe Moxxie and Loona (if she is there) start putting the pieces together. While Blitzo who doesn't give a shit about the target ignores them or doesn't notice. Millie has a healthier life overall so she might interpret the target and client doing typical stuff she sees in Wrath or both evil.

Then when Moxxie or Loona finds the target and learns the truth... There's a few ways for it to play out.

1. The target is let go

2. They hesitate and either Millie or Blitzo take the target out.

Either way it devolves into an argument about morality and i don't expect Moxxie or Loona to fully reveal backstories especially since Millie doesn't know what went down in Moxxie's life but i would think they would hint at it. Maybe Loona could elude to it:

"Blitzo, do you remember when you took me in. The shithole I grew up in! Did you think for a moment I was never hurt? You want to do the dirty work of someone like those assholes?"

Moxxie would probably just stare at Millie intensely.

Like showing a conflict of morals is such a good way to develop your characters and see what lines they will or won't cross and the characters are literally assassins yet that only comes up once and meant nothing because Martha is evil.

If the characters are morally grey, deep and complex like Vivziepop claims yet she does nothing to have the characters morals challenged. Like Moxxie having issues was portrayed as him being in the wrong and a joke. The closest we get to that genuine conflict is Harvest Moon festival where you legitimately can't tell if Blitzo is tempted to let Stolas die and join Striker. Like Striker has legitimate decent points to bring up that are hard to argue against. We know Blitzo isn't a person who believes murder is wrong so that concept wouldn't be the source of conflict. The source is even though he does dislike Stolas at the point and wants to be unshackled and free is he willing to let him live despite that?

We also see that Striker's words did have an impact on Blitzo despite the choice to go against him being made. That's good shit. Like does this mean Blitzo could've easily chosen to let Stolas die then?

Like that's a very complex bucket of worms to address but alas Striker's character seems like it is going to slowly degrade as the show goes on just to dump that bucket of worms in the ocean because if Striker is going to be retconned as a selfish bigot that ruins the moral ambiguity of this scene. Like you can have evil characters tempt characters in media, common trope and all. But usually the audience knows they are evil or its a plot twist. Usually with known evil characters its temptation mainly when you know the protagonist is going to stay on the side of good. However if the audience knows but the protagonist doesn't/plot twist that nobody knows its usually manipulation because if the protagonist chooses their morals then that's gonna out the villain as one.

Morally grey antagonists like Striker are usually 50/50 in what choice the character chooses because grey villains always have somewhat of a point that makes them gray after all. Now im not invalidating manipulation as a valid tactic in storytelling by villains, if its written well it can show power not by might but with words and add a pinch of tragedy or saying morally grey ones cant manipulate but Im just using broad strokes to paint how if Striker gets retconned it takes away from Blitzos decision. It makes it less of a hard choice if Striker is just going to be made into what Vivziepop is intending based off twitter likes.

Like the framing ruins Blitzo being morally grey if Striker is a generic asshole. Instead Blitzo will fall into more of an almost manipulated hero. Which makes him more innocent in the matter.

Then we have Millie. Lets be honest Millie has two traits which is cheerful/sweet and good at killing and everything plot relevant to her is tied to Moxxie.

Like she killed people in her neighborhood. Like Millie legitimately wants to kill people and is disappointed when she's not allowed to.

Like if she's so nonchalant with murder why not have that be tested then? Like what's her line she wont cross in killing or how does her being a serial killer with no remorse who takes pleasure in it effect her life.

Like Millie unlike the rest of the cast has a decent life

Like if she's ignorant to peoples issues because of her blessed life like a lot of people are when they don't research other peoples experiences (this is proven by the amitheasshole subreddit) co-opt that into her murder sprees. Like would Millie not care if the target was an orphan? Would Millie kill a child? If so how does her lack of morals effect her relationships with others or viewpoint of the world.

Like we know from the Alastor comic despite him being a mass murderer he doesn't kill the weak and will go out of his way to protect them, that's moral grayness.

Like the only moral grayness with Millie is her being a killer but... Everyone in Helluva is... Shes not unique in that regard and is often praised for her bloodlust.

But her being so wrathful makes me question why Moxxie even married her because their morals are clearly different. Like Moxxie was traumatized by his time in the mafia and killed a man at like 5 and immediately learned his father killed his mother in the same way. Why would Moxxie want to fuck someone who realistically if Helluva took place irl would trigger him.

Honestly I question why Moxxie is in I.M.P. but that's a different discussion.

Millie and Moxxie having different morals could work if you address it because rn its a huge ass elephant. Like im supposed to buy that these two are a couple who are madly in love and have no issues at all when one of them was traumatized by murder and the other doesn't care to turn the ocean red???

Like if Millie had other traits or we knew her killing morals then I could buy them actually marrying the other.

Just the lack of morals ambiguity is fucking nuts in a show about assassins.

Out of all the rewrites I have read for Helluva Boss, this one is my favorite so far. The main series drama being the moral ambiguity of assassinates makes so much sense. Not only does it relate to the premise of a work class comedy that Viv advertised but also there is a lot more you can work with for drama.

I alway had a few problems with Stotliz becoming the main drama of the show. First, as the series continued it became more about Stotliz and less about the imps and their job, the very thing Viv promised and advertised the show will be. Second Blitzo and Stolas are only affected by their relationship. Moxxie and Millie aren't affected and Octavia and Stella just get repeated plot lines. Nothing new happens and it's strange because Stolas has so much power in Hell that when he screws up, it should have big consequences. There should be new arcs about Octavia being resentful towards Stolas instead of only running away and forgiving him, Stella using her status and power to smear Stolas's reputation, and the M&M should actually be worried about Stotliz because their jobs are made possible by the relationship so if Blitzo and Stolas have a falling out and they can't use the grimore anymore, they will be out of a job. Relating to this, how come the stress of the relationship and breakup hasn't change Blitzo? He has trauma and PTSD towards relationships because all of his pervious ones failed terribly. When he broke up with Stolas, shouldn't he have become more distance towards imps because he got hurt again and doesn't want to risk the same fate with the only friends he has left? Maybe he becomes more creepy and invasive about the M&M because he's so desperately want to feel intimacy and wants to know what they're doing right and what he's doing wrong, there needs to be some kind of change in his character and relationships to show how the breakup impacted him. Third, Stolas is just a pointless character to have in the main cast. He doesn't relate to the majority of the IMP crew, his arc about being a gay man stuck in an abusive relationship doesn't relate to the show being a work place comedy about assassins, and his only plot importance is giving the imps the Grimore. Stolas could have just been a side character who has three minutes of screentime in every Ep to establish his relationship with Blitzo and his purpose or just be a guy we only know though Blitzo's dialogue, there is no reason for him to have such a big role in the context of Helluva Boss being a show about imps assassinations. Maybe Stotliz could be a running side-plot throughout the show and it comes full-circle when Stolas orders the IMPs to kill Stella but there is no reason for Stotliz to become the main focus on the show especially when it doesn't related imps or assassination.

This rewrite explores the idea of morals and ethics better and fleshes out and fits the characters' theme better. Moxxie is a great example of this, he doesn't want to kill innocent people and so far all the people he has kill, he assumes were or learned are assholes but what will he do when he realize he was send to kill a harmless person? I'm curious how this new conflict will affect Loona because most of the time she never goes on missions to assassinate and she pretends to not care about other people. Also how will this contradict her relationship with Blitzo? Will Blitzo still kill the person despite Loona saying how wrong it is, he doesn't want to hurt her but at the same time, it's their job to kill people and he just doesn't care about the person they kill. After he kills the person, how will Loona react? Same thing with M&M, maybe Moxxie married Millie because he thought she was a sweet girl with a brute side but he realizes from their job that Millie is a bloodlust person who loves killing and doesn't care about the ethics and morals. This causes a strife in their relationship just like with Blitzo and Loona and now it becomes a "Us vs Them" situation where Moxxie and Loona become closer and trying to convince them to only kill terrible people but Blitzo and Mille doesn't care but they're not being mean because they're assholes but because in Hell it's difficult for imps to be respected and if killing both terrible and innocent people can give the imps and their job respect then they will continued to kill. Honestly this drama just works better because now everyone in the main cast is affected and we get to learn about their relationships and how people's backstories affect their world views.

[bambiiboop]

Unconditionally: Joel Miller x OC { Part 1/10 }

Summary: Lucy loves Joel Miller unconditionally. A cross country trip to escort an immune, bad mouthed teenager to safety might just prove it.

CWs: canon typical violence / unsafe sex / age gap / language / spoilers (if anyone cares) / canon divergence / mentions of attempted sexual assault / themes of previous suicidal tendencies

Note: this work is intended for adult audiences only. It is not strictly canon compliant, and was originally posted to A03 when I first ventured into the fandom.

Unconditionally. Part One of Thirteen.

Joel doesn’t want to stay the night, not really. It feels too much like invading the peace, too much like an intrusion, even though Bill and Frank are dead. Maybe that’s precisely why it feels that way.

It feels too much like an intrusion, and he’s lost enough, as of late. He didn’t much like Bill, and he’s certain that feeling was mutual. Grudgingly, he admits he didn’t mind Frank so much. He was hard to dislike, even by someone as prickly as Joel. He can’t afford to get caught up in thinking on it, not too heavily. Even with Tess gone… he has two travelling companions still relying on him. One more than the other, he supposed, on account of Ellie being a goddamn kid. Lucy, not so much. The younger woman he met by chance in the QZ isn’t bad with a weapon, and she’s good at being stealthy. All good traits in a smuggler. He never wanted a fucking apprentice, or whatever the hell she started as, but when she found out he was leaving the QZ, she’d pretty much invited herself along to “watch his dumb ass”. He hadn’t exactly argued.

As requested in the letter, he doesn’t go into the bedroom. What he does do, before he showers, is take inventory of the gas canisters, the truck, the supplies in the garage. Only once he has an idea of what they’re working with, does he relent to Ellie’s nagging and hit the shower.

For a kid, she’s persistent.

It’s not his ideal scenario, to crash for the night in the bunker Bill installed beneath his house long before the infection ever started, but it soon becomes clear to him that it’s the scenario he gets.

Ellie’s rubbing her eyes, clearly exhausted but making a show of pretending she isn’t; even the hype of the handgun she pocketed earlier can’t fight off fatigue. Joel doesn’t know about the weapon, nor does Lucy, and in Ellie’s eyes, the adults guarding her don’t need to know. Not yet anyway.

Lucy doesn’t look much better; there’s only so far you can go on caffeine pills and pure adrenaline, and Joel fully expects her to crash at any moment. She’s currently examining the wall of guns along the far side of the bunker, occasionally pausing to check the security cameras.

“We may as well stay here for the night.” Joel offers, because he knows Lucy wants to ask, but won’t, and he’d rather she was sharp for the journey ahead.

“You sure?” She’s not questioning him, more making certain; she knows he’s not a huge fan of staying in one place for too long. Even though the compound is protected, it still feels too exposed. Too risky.

“May as well. We can get some sleep, load up the truck and be out of here by dawn.” He’s already taking a mental inventory of everything they’ll be taking with them.

“Right.” Lucy turns her attention back to the wall of guns, running her fingers over a few, occasionally taking one down to test the weight of it, to see how fast it reloads and cocks.

Ellie, meanwhile, busies herself opening a cardboard box stamped: US ARMY MRE RATION.

“Is this food?” She turns a vacuum sealed bag over in her hands, squinting at it.

Lucy looks over her shoulder, a rifle in her hands.

“Oh, yeah. That’s old shit, but it’ll survive anything. Whatcha got there?”

“Chilli.” Ellie reads the print on the package, “and something called a snack cake? The fuck is a snack cake?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. Probably an old Twinkie.” Lucy puts the rifle back and selects another, weighing it in her hands, checking the ammunition capacity. Satisfied, she raids the ammunition cabinet nearby then sets about repacking her backpack.

“It’s safe to eat, if that’s what you mean.” Joel reaches past Ellie to snag his own freeze dried food, unsealing the package to inspect the contents.

It’s not the best meal they’ve ever eaten, but it’s decidedly better than some of the worst, and certainly enough that each of the trio made room in their backpacks for a few of the rations. Better to have ancient, somewhat tasteless food, than no food at all.

“So we’re sleeping down here?” Ellie surveys the bunker in mild amusement. They’re all aware there’s a spare room upstairs and a couch, but it feels too exposed, and too much like squatting.

“May as well. You take the cot, Ellie.” Lucy nods to the camping cot tucked away against the wall, under a rolled sleeping mat and a small stack of blankets.

“Not gonna complain.” The teen shrugs, helps move the sleeping mat and most of the blankets off the cot, then drops herself down onto the surface, pausing only to take off her new hoodie.

Joel keeps his eyes on the security cameras as Lucy unrolls the sleeping mat; it’s relatively large, they can probably both squash onto it and have enough room, and a blanket each.

“Tonight only.” He warns both woman and girl, “don’t get comfortable.”

Lucy sticks her tongue out at him. She wants to argue with him, make a smartass comment about it being impossible to get comfortable on a thin ass sleeping mat in a bunker, but she knows the road ahead is likely to be unpleasant, far more uncomfortable than the current situation.

Joel rolls his eyes, watches as she unlaces her boots and leaves them to the side of the sleeping mat; if they were anywhere else, he knows that she wouldn’t have taken her shoes off at all. But if they’re compromised in the night? Best thing they can do is wait it out in the bunker. He’s not going to begrudge her taking off her shoes, not when he plans on doing the same.

He glances over to the cot, where Ellie’s already out like a light. He has to hand it to the kid, her ability to sleep wherever the fuck they land is somewhat impressive.

Another glance, to Lucy this time, then he returns to the security feed.

“We can swap out watching the monitors, if you wanna be sure.” Lucy unfolds a thin, itchy blanket, then another. Sighs. Wool isn’t what it used to be.

“Honestly there ain’t much point, but. I’m not the type to be a sitting duck. Not that we’ve got much choice.” Joel frowns, surveys the makeshift double bed Lucy’s put together. “I can sleep in the chair.”

“At your age?” Lucy’s mouth turns up into a smirk, the way it always does when she’s teasing. He can hear it in her voice, even when she turns away from him so she can crawl under the blanket, nose wrinkled with distaste at the fabric.

“Rude.” Joel replies without rancor; honestly, the chair looks uncomfortable as hell, more so than the camping mat, itchy blankets or no.

“Don’t argue with me,” Lucy says in response, “there’s room. Besides, these blankets fucking suck. We’ll freeze down here without each other.”

Her tone is playful, makes it clear she’s just messing with him. Sighing, he takes off his own shoes, leaves them on his side of the ‘bed’, then sets his handgun down beside them, within reach. He notices she’s done the same thing, has her pistol within reach, just in case. Her new rifle isn’t far off, either. He wants to think he’s taught her well, but honestly, Lucy was a survivor before he met her.

Joel turns out the fluorescent overhead lights, leaving the bunker illuminated only by a camping lantern next to the ‘bed’ and the security feed monitors.

He strips off his coat, folding it into a makeshift pillow, then slides under the blankets, immediately feeling the slight itch of old fabric mixed with the chill of the night coming.

“These blankets do suck.” He comments as he turns onto his side, facing her. He can look over her shoulder or prop himself up to check the monitors every now and then. He doesn’t think they’ll be disturbed, not really, not down here. It’s probably the only secure night of sleep they’ll get until they’re back in the QZ, or something similar.

“Told you.” Lucy huddles under them nonetheless; he supposes it is somewhat cold down here, and it’ll only get colder during the night. That, and she gave the best blanket to the kid. Of course she did.

He looks over her shoulder to check the monitors one last time before he turns his attention back to her; she’s trying not to shiver, even in the long pants - jeans - and shirt she’s wearing.

“Fuck sake, c’mere before you wake the kid with your chattering teeth.” Again, there’s no heat in his words as he opens his arms to her. Anyone else, it might feel weird or uncomfortable, but Lucy is just…. Lucy.

She doesn’t even hesitate, even though she might have normally done so. She’s too damn cold to care, and fully aware it’ll be a long night if they don’t warm up soon.

When she’s right against him, Joel pulls the two blankets over the pair of them, adding an extra layer to her before wrapping his arms around her, rubbing his hands up her back to generate heat.

“How are you always a goddamn furnace?” It comes out muffled, on account of her face being buried in the crook of his shoulder, cheek resting on his collarbone.

“Luck of the draw.”

“Very funny.”

He can feel the curve of her smile against his neck, though, so he knows he hasn’t actually annoyed her with his sarcasm.

“Warming up?” He doesn’t want to push her away, not really. They’ve shared a bed - or a makeshift one - plenty of times, when the situation has called for it. There’s never been anything strange about it, not really, and if there’s an unspoken tension? Well, that’s not his problem. Or so he tells himself.

“Little bit.” Her lips graze his throat when she speaks, but she’s not so tense now; clearly she’s warming up, feeling more at ease than she was before.

“Good. Can’t have you come all this way just to lose you to frostbite.”

“I don’t think it’s cold en- oh.” She huffs, realising too late he was making another joke, albeit in that dry way of his.

A low chuckle escapes his throat, not laughing at her; at least, not in a mocking way, more just amused by her embarrassment and the little huff she made.

“Just tell me if you’re still cold.”

“A little,” she admits, “but I’ll take being a little cold as a fair trade for a single night of sleeping in relative comfort and safety.”

She said relative, so he doesn’t argue with her, just keeps running his hands up and down her back.

“We’ll find somewhere safe enough in Wyoming. After.” Joel says instead. He doesn’t add the unspoken rest: after they find his brother. After they find someone who can take Ellie in. Lucy understands; there are too many variables, too many things that could go wrong.

“Go back to being FEDRA slaves?” She suggests.

“If that’s what it takes to be safe, sure.”

He can’t see her roll her eyes in the dimmed light, not really, but he can almost hear her doing it.

“Safe.” She mutters, “as if that’s a reality.”

Joel hums agreement, adjusts his arm around her, tucks the blankets a little tighter around her shoulders.

They lay in silence for a few minutes, Joel watching the monitors, thinking she must have drifted off to sleep, when her soft voice breaks the near silence.

“Thank you.”

“For what? Keeping you warm?” He isn’t too sure what precisely she’s thanking him for.

“Keeping me around. Keeping me safe as best you can. I know I get on your last nerve, but I really do appreciate you.”

He can feel the heat of her breath on his skin as she speaks, hushed words into his good ear, not wanting to disturb Ellie.

“You don’t get on my last nerve.” He says finally, “and you don’t have to thank me. You watch my ass, I watch yours. It’s a good partnership.”

He can feel her smiling again.

“No longer a padawan, huh?”

It’s his turn to smile, a rarity for him.

“Those movies are older than both of us. How do you even know that phrase?”

“Keeper of my secrets, I am. Never know everything, will you.” Lucy responds, mimicking Yoda in a whisper.

Joel has to turn his face into her hair to muffle his own laugh, instead getting a good inhale of whatever shampoo she pilfered from the shower earlier. Something floral.

“Nerd.”

“I miss pop culture.” Lucy half shrugs, dislodging the blanket, then shivers and tucks herself further under his arm, pausing only to peek over at Ellie, who’s still a steadily breathing shape under her own blanket, probably a great deal warmer for not being practically on the concrete floor. Lucky kid.

“I miss good music and decent coffee.” Joel readjusts the blanket again, tucks the edges down around her shoulder to keep the chill out.

He misses about fifty other things, some things far more painful to talk about than others; he’s barely been able to talk about Sarah with her. He doesn’t know if he ever will. But he doesn’t want to ruin the good feeling between them by being a downer, even if he thinks she’ll understand, so he keeps it light.

“Gas station coffee was never decent.” Lucy counters, “but I get you.”

“Yeah? You were a Frappuccino girl, huh?”

“Latte.” She informs him, “with a flavour syrup.”

Joel snorts in spite of himself.

“And here I am giving you the shittiest black coffee in the history of shitty instant coffee.”

“That means we have access to it, so I’ll take it.” Her tone makes it plain she doesn’t mind, not really. Her preference might have once been for sweet coffees with lots of almond milk, but these days, she’ll take whatever caffeine she can find. Especially when it means he’s sharing his limited supply with her.

“You’re too kind.”

She’s laughing again, soft sounds muffled in his shoulder, but at least she’s no longer shivering.

“If you say so.” She says finally, hands flat against his chest, keeping herself as close as possible, trying to conserve heat. “I guess I should move, huh? I’m not about to freeze on you anymore, so.”

He doesn’t want her to move. Even the four or five inches they’d have between them if she did suddenly feels like too far.

“Only if you want to.” He says finally, “I don’t want you to just freeze again. I’m comfortable like this, if you are.”

Lucy shrugs against him.

“I’m not opposed to this.”

If there’s more she isn’t saying, that’s her business. Joel doesn’t pry, because quite frankly he’s not sure he wants to go down that path. Not because he finds her unappealing, but because letting someone close could have dire consequences.

So he just hums agreement, rests his chin on top of her head. Almost expects that to be the end of it, until -

“Not opposed to it, or okay with it?” He speaks before he can think it through, and he knows it. Wants to take it back almost right away, because this is precisely down the path he wanted to avoid. Apparently not. Again, he’s not blind to the tension between them, but he isn’t truly sure he wants to allow someone to get close to him. Not after so many losses.

“What a leading question.” Lucy tilts her head against his shoulder.

“That’s not an answer.” If he’s going to walk this path, he may as well walk it properly. Or maybe she’ll save them both the awkwardness and just go to sleep.

“Do I really need to answer it? Spell it out for you?” She laughs softly, “I’m comfortable here. I feel safe here, with you.”

“Nowhere’s safe, Lu. You said it yourself.” Joel feels like a dick the moment he says it, but he’s trying to keep it light, almost afraid to let this go any further, even if he wants it to.

“I know that. What I mean is this. Lying here like this. It feels nice.” She knows she’s doing a terrible job at explaining herself, but he’s caught her off guard.

“Yeah. I get you.” He admits, because he’s not so much of a jerk that he’ll let her confess that and not be honest in return.

“I know you do.” She adjusts herself, fingers playing idly with the fabric of his shirt. “Get me, I mean.”

It takes him a moment to formulate a response; he’s almost ashamed of how distracted her touch makes him, as though he hadn’t been running his hands up and down her back a short while ago. As though he hadn’t been distracting her just as much, even if he doesn’t know it.

“Be a shit team if I didn’t, huh?” His hand moves to briefly cover hers, planning on giving it a light squeeze of reassurance before letting go.

Lucy has other plans, flipping her hand over and interlocking her fingers with his, surprising both of them.

“What are you doing?” He asks, truly surprised by her touch.

“Tell me to stop, and I will.” There’s a quiet determination in her voice, something he’s heard only hints of before. Not like this.

“I’m not gonna tell you to stop.” Joel says finally, “Hell, I got you wrapped up against me. How’s it any different?”

He’s being deliberately vague, toying with her. He doesn’t mean to, but he’s curious how far she’ll push it. He’s almost glad she’s making the first steps.

“To keep warm.” She reminds him, “that’s why I said… tell me to stop if you want me to.”

“I don’t want you to stop, honestly. This is nice.”

He means that; it’s been far too damn long since he held anyone like this, let alone had someone hold his hand the way she’s holding him, her smaller thumb tracing over his, rubbing little circles. It’s soothing, and quite frankly probably the only tiny piece of serenity they’ll get for a while.

“I’m glad.” There’s a sheer honesty in her voice, even with it pitched so low, so as not to wake Ellie.

He sighs, weighing his options in his head, fighting a losing battle with himself if he’s honest. Maybe it’s strange to even be considering any sort of romantic entanglement when laying in the basement of someone else’s house, when that someone else is dead in the bedroom the floor above. But somehow, Joel thinks, Bill and Frank would understand. Here, in this house, where their story began and ultimately ended… why shouldn’t it be the place something else starts too?

“Hey, you okay in there?” Lucy tilts her head up to look at him, eyes searching his face, trying to figure out what he’s thinking.

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“Escape route?” She’s only half joking, so used to him constantly being wired, attuned to their surroundings.

“Not quite.”

“Then what? Is everything alright?” Truly she sounds concerned, which in itself is touching. Maybe it once annoyed him that she gave a shit, but now? It’s grown on him.

“Everything’s fine. Honestly.”

She’s still looking at him like she doesn’t quite believe him, like she’s trying to work him out. Fuck it. Why shouldn’t this be the place something else begins too? Isn’t that what they’d have wanted? Isn’t that why Bill left him an entire goddamn arsenal? To protect those he cares about? So maybe that’s a foul mouthed teenager and a woman he used to help scavenge black market medicine with. Better than the alternative. Better than the aching emptiness of being alone.

Lucy’s still looking at him, lips slightly parted.

“Ah, what the hell.” Joel mutters, and tilts his head down so he can connect his mouth with hers.

It’s not the perfect moment to kiss her, not really. They’re barely above freezing cold in the basement of their dead friends’ house, with their antsy charge asleep twelve feet away, but it feels right nonetheless, and hell, it may be the only chance he gets.

Seize the fucking day, or whatever whoever said that shit said.

He’s almost surprised by how soft her mouth is; honestly, in a world without makeup, or very little of it, he knows her singular concession to vanity is chapstick, if she can find it. She doesn’t waste her time trying to find box dye or eyeliner or anything else that she once used daily, lets her hair be streaked with silver in places without shame or concern. She wears practical clothes to keep herself comfortable and protected, usually keeps her hair tied back for safety. And yet somehow, somehow, she has the softest goddamn mouth he’s ever kissed.

She half pulls away, just for a second, her eyes searching his once more. She must have found some sort of answer in his gaze, because she doesn’t hesitate to lean back in to initiate another kiss.

Lucy’s younger than him, it’s true, but not by so much that she’s inexperienced; that much is clear by their second kiss, by the way her teeth nip gently at his bottom lip, almost demanding better access to his mouth. He doesn’t remotely hesitate to let her, lips parting, letting their tongues entwine as he pulls her tighter against his chest, holding her there for a moment before he rolls them, carefully, propping himself up on one elbow so he’s not putting his entire weight on top of her.

She breaks the kiss once more, glances over to the other occupant of the room. Joel looks too. Still dead asleep.

“We’ll have to be quiet.” He breathes into her ear, dropping a kiss below her jaw. “Can you do that?”

A little smirk is her first answer.

“I’m sure I can.” She hums, undoes the top button of his new borrowed shirt so she can lean up and drop a kiss to his collarbone.

Once, she might have bitten, left a little mark, but since the outbreak, biting one another has sort of lost any amorous appeal. Thanks, cordyceps.

Still, the kiss there is intimate enough, considering. He doesn’t stop her, lets her hands wander down his chest, settling there for a moment before they slide under his shirt, fingertips tracing every old scar she can find, like she’s committing every inch of him to memory.

His hand - the one that isn’t occupied propping himself up, slides along her side, thumb rubbing circles on her hip. It’s the most he’s touched another person in months. Years, maybe. He can’t say he dislikes it; it’s unfamiliar, sure, to be touching another person in a caring and intimate way, but he’s certainly not opposed to it at all.

“Joel…”

He’s not entirely sure, but it almost sounds like a plea. One he’s more than happy to answer, letting his hand drift to the button of her jeans. He’s gotta admit, he’s glad he can get them undone with one hand, not wanting to appear as out of practise as he realistically is.

Her hands slide out of his shirt to help tug her jeans down, not fully off, but out of the way. Neither of them are stupid enough to undress fully, not in their surroundings. They’ll make do, and Lucy does, shaking one foot loose from her pants, keeping them looped around her other ankle. Their shirts can stay on, not wanting to waste time or expose themselves too fully.

As her hands move again, he leans down into another kiss; it’s his turn to nip at her lips this time, leaning right into her as she gets his jeans undone. It only takes her a moment, considering she has both her hands to work with.

Speaking of hands. He has one free, and he decides to make use of it, rubbing his fingers across her hips, now bare to him, just watching how she responds to each little touch. He doesn’t get much time to observe her, though; she seems far more interested in kissing him, which is fine, it’ll at least keep her relatively quiet as things progress. It’s a shame; honestly, he almost wishes they were back in his apartment in the QZ, or hers, somewhere where he could coax all sorts of interesting sounds out of her and not care about the volume. But things have changed, and they’re here now, and that necessitates they be as quick and quiet as possible.

It’s almost disappointing. He would have liked to take his time, but well. He’ll take the situation as it is. His fingers move inwards, across her thigh, slowly, teasing her, their lips still locked together, her tongue teasing at his bottom lip between kisses.

He can tease right back, letting his fingers slide between her thighs, pausing just before he reaches his target to break their kiss.

“Remember what I said about quiet.” He warns, a gentle reminder whispered into her ear. She hums her assent, her fingers carding through his silver streaked hair, as though she can’t get enough of just simply touching him.

He understands the feeling, truly, but he has other plans, beyond touching her hair. His fingers trail along her inner thigh, amused to find her already soaked and waiting for him. Amused, yes, but aroused, too; his thumb finds the little bundle of nerves at the apex of her core, rubs it slowly, watches her eyes widen, her teeth sink into her lip to keep herself from making a sound.

He finds himself smirking, just a little, rubbing slow little circles on her sensitive skin, fingers skimming across wetness, spreading it, coating his fingertips in it.

Her lips part in a silent gasp as he slowly slides two fingers inside her, giving her a warning look as he curls them, buried to the knuckle inside her soaked heat. He can feel himself aching against the fabric of his jeans; even unbuttoned, he feels constricted, a dull aching need throbbing in him.

“Been thinking about this for a while,” he admits, voice still low and sensual in her ear, “maybe not in this setting, but I’ll take it.”

He keeps slowly moving his fingers, pumping them in and out, agonisingly slow, wanting to watch her reaction, wanting her to beg him for more. He knows her well, knows her better than he’d like to admit, and he knows damn well she’ll crumble eventually.

It comes sooner than he expected; he can feel her tensing up, her back arched up, her chest pressing flush against his, her entire body trembling. And somehow, somehow, she manages to stay almost completely silent, burying her face in his chest to muffle the tiniest of whimpers that fall past her parted lips.

“That’s it, baby,” he murmurs, pulling his fingers out of her slowly, “just ride it out. You’re okay. I got you.”

Her whimpers fade as she recovers, lies back, gazes at him with half-shut, adoring eyes. Fuck, why has he never done this before? All this time…

He wipes his soaked fingers on his pants, pausing just a moment before he moves the offending fabric out the way, tugging them down slightly, freeing himself. He damn near sighs himself when her hand wraps around his length, stroking slowly, her thumb caressing the tip of him.

“I want you so bad,” she whispers, leaning up to kiss him softly, “you have no idea…”

He laughs, a quietly amused chuckle.

“I’m getting an idea, darling. Don’t worry. It’s nowhere near as much as I’ve wanted you.”

It feels wrong, in a way, how long he’s wanted her, since the first time they ventured out of the QZ together, since she proved herself a capable survivor, since she back talked him and brought a smile to his face.

Her impossibly soft mouth curves into a smile.

“Then take me,” she whispers against his lips, “I’m yours, Joel. All yours.”

As she speaks, her hand tightens slightly around him, guiding him between her legs, rubbing the head of his length against her dripping sex.

“Mine.” He repeats softly, before he sinks into her, slowly, inch by inch. He has the foresight to cover her mouth with his, to muffle the soft moan that falls from her lips.

Fuck, she feels so good. So warm and tight around him, her velvet walls tightening and pulsing as he buries himself to the hilt.

Her fingers ball into the flannel of his shirt as she returns his eager, desperate kiss, wrapping her freed leg around his waist loosely.

He breaks the kiss, takes a breath, before he slowly starts to move. Her head falls back against the sleeping mat, eyes half closed as her leg tightens around his waist, drawing him in deeper. In spite of himself, a low groan tears from his chest.

“Careful there, baby girl,” he murmurs, “careful.”

He’s warning himself as much as he is her, reminding himself to keep his head as best he can. It’s difficult, so difficult, when her fingers are curled in his shirt, when she’s so tight and wet around him, when her breathing is becoming more and more frantic as he starts to move again.

Lucy leans up to pull him against her, her lips brushing his throat.

“Joel…”

He understands what she’s asking, without her having to say it; he picks up the pace, lets his hips rock against hers a little harder, a little faster. He has to bury his face in her shoulder to muffle his own sounds; it’s been so long since he was intimate with someone, and she’s so desperate for him, one of her hands leaving his shirt to tangle in salt and pepper curls.

They’re both being pushed to the limit, trying to keep as silent as possible, not wanting to wake Ellie, trying to keep their noise as low as they possibly can, quieter than the low hum of the generator Bill kept down here, just in case, always switched on and wired to the security system.

“You feel so good,” Lucy whispers, lifts her leg slightly higher around his waist, wraps it tighter, keeping him buried inside her. Her voice shakes as she whispers it, as he keeps up the deep, steady thrusts, in and out of her.

“Mm, you have no idea, baby girl. No idea how good you feel. How are you so fucking wet?” He can’t help the low moan that he lets out into her ear as his hips steadily collide with hers, harder and faster, chasing both of their release.

She can’t answer, not a full word, only tiny whimpers as she clings to him, raking her fingers through his hair. She can’t get enough of touching him, of feeling him close to her, the scratch of his beard on the skin of her throat.

“So close…” she whispers, back arched up against him, “don’t stop…”

“Not a chance, baby girl. Not a chance.” He murmurs, picking up his pace once again. Chances are he’ll feel this in his lower back and his hips tomorrow, but he’s beyond caring. All that matters is her, and the pleasure building between them, and her soft, soft mouth, kissing at every inch of him she can reach.

His mouth finds hers, captures it in a deep kiss, letting his tongue sweep her mouth as she clings to him, feels her tighten around him, feels her entire body tremble as he brings her to a steady climax, feels her soak every inch of his length as he buries himself to the very hilt inside her. Her moans and whimpers of pure pleasure are muffled by their kiss, her hand tightening in his hair for the briefest moment before she goes limp, lets her hand fall from his hair, caressing his face gently before her hand falls.

“I know baby, I know. Let go for me,” he murmurs, presses a kiss to her forehead, “that’s it, darling, breathe through it…”

She whimpers again, links her fingers with his.

Regrettably, Joel realises he can’t hold back much longer, not with how tight she is, the fluttering of her around him. His mind is hazy with pleasure, becoming more and more clouded with each snap of his hips.

He presses deep one final time, rolls his hips into hers slowly, before he reluctantly pulls out of her warm heat, spilling his release onto her stomach with a low groan against her lips.

The temptation to finish inside her had been overwhelming, but he wasn’t about to risk any complications. Not in this world.

Joel rests his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. Lucy glances over to ensure they’re still as alone as they can be, before she exhales, sighs, looks down at their joined hands and smiles weakly.

“That’s it,” he sighs, “fuck…”

He’s most certainly going to feel this in the morning, but he’s in no rush to roll away from her; he moves so he’s no longer on top of her, tucks himself back into his jeans and gives her a moment to pull her own pants back on. Once she’s redressed, he pulls her right back into his arms, inhaling the scent of her hair, their mingled sweat.

“You alright there, old timer?” She whispers, pure tease and thinly veiled adoration.

Joel huffs.

“This old timer just made you come so hard you went limp. Smartass.” He kisses her forehead and she giggles softly.

“Yeah, but I’m your smartass.” Her fingers trace the lines of his face, committing every little wrinkle and detail to memory. Just in case.

“True enough,” he agrees, pulling her closer against his chest.

Joel isn’t one to half ass things; he’s a stoic bastard at times, sure, but he’s protective as hell when he cares, and hell, he cares about her. He wasn’t kidding when he said she was his, and they both know it.

“Joel?” There’s a hesitation in her voice as she says his name. It’s a harsh contrast to the soft, adoring reverence with which she spoke minutes before.

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna pretend this never happened in the morning?” There’s a raw fear in the way she asks it, the way she doesn’t sugarcoat it or dress it up. He likes that about her. That she’s brutally honest.

“No.” He says finally, “there’s no going back. I’m not gonna shut you out like that. It’s… not easy for me. You know that. But … for you? I’ll try.”

“I know it’s not easy.” She agrees, fingertips tracing in his hair, her other hand splayed on his chest, “I just… that’s all I want. For you to try. I just want you.”

“I know. Don’t worry, baby girl. You’ve got me.” He presses a soft kiss to her lips before he kisses her forehead once more.

He’s a lot of things, but he’s not a liar. Not to her. Never to her.

She hums happy agreement, “You know you’ve got me. Til the very end.”

“I know.” He assures her, shifts the blankets tighter around them. “Try get some sleep, darling. I’ll be here when you wake up. Then we can hit the road.”

“Hmm,” she sighs, nuzzles her face into his shoulder. “You should get some sleep too.”

“I plan on it. Someone tired me out.” He chuckles, surprised at his own good mood, in spite of everything he’s lost recently.

“Your own fault.” Lucy replies, her voice heavy with sleepiness as she settles against him.

Try as he might to fight his own fatigue, he can feel it overwhelming him. He’s exhausted, warm and comfortable, and the weight of her in his arms is so goddamn inviting.

“Not a fault.” He mumbles, but she’s already asleep, unable to answer him.

———

Morning dawns, but Joel is awake long before he originally planned to be. He wants to take an inventory of supplies, pack up Bill’s truck, and hit the road, but first he wants to allow himself a moment.

It’s been so long since he simply lay in a bed with someone, let alone allowed himself to hold someone in such an intimate way.

Lucy’s still asleep, her head tucked on his shoulder, arm draped over him, legs tangled with his. They’ve shared a bed before, but only for necessity. Never have they allowed themselves to become intimate before, and now…

If he thought he was protective of her before, it’s nothing compared to the dull ache in his chest whenever he looks down at her now, taking in every detail of her sleeping face.

“I’m yours,” she had said, “all yours.”

There had been so much longing in her voice, going beyond lust and physical need. He doesn’t think he deserves it, and yet. And yet he isn’t going to refuse her. Not when he so desperately, deeply, needs her to be his.

He sighs. Presses a kiss to her forehead, untangles himself from her just as she stirs.

“Time to get going?” She asks, her voice thick and heavy with sleep.

“Yeah. Time to pack up and move on.” He almost wishes they could stay in this stupid bunker for a little longer, but that’s not their path. Wyoming calls. His brother waits.

Lucy doesn’t argue, just sits herself up, untangles her hair, braids it back and slips her boots on.

“I’ll pack up some supplies from down here.” She offers. He likes that about her; she asked him for reassurance before they slept, but she’s not about to ask for it every five minutes. They both know everything’s changed between them now, but simultaneously, nothing has. All they’ve really done is act on what was already there.

“Great idea. Some rations, some ammo. Whatever you think we need.” Joel shoves his own shoes on, surveys the monitors for a moment. All quiet.

“I’ll get Ellie ready, too.”

“I’ll fuel up the truck, pack a few things. Come on up when you’re ready.” Almost without thinking, he drops a kiss to her lips on his way past, climbs the ladder, pushes the bunker door open, and disappears into the morning light.

Lucy stares after him for a moment before she’s interrupted by a soft snicker. Turning, she finds Ellie sitting up and staring at her, grinning.

“What?”

“I fuckin’ knew you two were a thing.” Ellie shrugs, unravels herself from her blanket and tosses her jacket over her shoulders.

“Wh-?” Lucy doesn’t even try to deny it.

“I saw that. And I see the way you two look at each other. It’s gross. You’re both old.” Ellie makes a face as she starts to pack MRE rations into her backpack.

“I’m not that old!” Lucy protests, somewhat lamely.

“Not as old as Joel, that’s for sure.” Ellie smirks, then laughs when Lucy opens her mouth. “I’m just fucking with you. I don’t care. Maybe it’ll get him to stop being such a stone cold asshole.”

Lucy laughs in spite of herself, stocks her own backpack with another box of ammunition for her new rifle and her handgun, before shoving a few rations of her own on top.

“Not gonna argue there,” she agrees, “c‘mon. He’s fuelling up so we can leave. Let’s go.”

“Back to the road. Yay.” Ellie sticks her tongue out, takes one last look around the bunker, then heads for the ladder.

Lucy follows her, taking one last look at the rumpled sleeping mat on the floor, a small smile crossing her face.

She’s not sure where they’ll go from here, but it doesn’t matter. She has Joel, and he has her, and that’s all that matters right now.

[lesbiandanhowell]

Sam (begrudgingly) reacts to: Dan and Phil play Poppy Playtime CHAPTER 2!

I fucking hate horror games and I am have a high anxiety day so this is like awful timing BUT HERE GOES NOTHING.

- Not a fan of the runtime because I don't enjoy horror so the longer the worse for me personally so fuck this actually oops

- Babes I am literally shaking and almost crying 4 minutes in this will not be fun lmao (but also I know my anxiety won't go away without dan and phil content so might as well hope they will be funny and cute enough to make me calm down).

- I hate this I want to cry UPDATE: I literally started crying right after this, about 8 minutes into the game, but it got better afterwards.

- The touch when saying 'we have to be brave' was very personal to me. (Someone give me someone to watch this with and hold me please because I am scared)

- The buttplug jokes being the only thing to make me laugh, thank you Phil. Dan what do you MEAN "tails in" in reference to buttplugs, did you see the unhinged shit we said on tumblr, because oh god please no.

- "What are we going to do now?" "Cry" Phil gets me actually thank you I feel seen.

- The color game is actually calming my anxiety SO much it's hilarious, like it's just logic and following patterns and those things are so calming even when Dan is screaming.

- "For our lesbian audience that has mommy issues this is gonna be a weird episode" YOU DONT SAY DAN YOU DONT SAY

- new lore alert: Phil going to a wrestling party

- Phil lore: he was afraid of the KFC man as a kid

- PINOF MENTION AND CLIP AHAHA, they love doing these references since they uploaded the first react video.

- Dan hiding in his hoodie is adorable, like he just fully went "nope!" and hid haha.

- I think you can see Phil's hand shaking in the whack a mole, like the camera was SO shakey which was either his inability to use a mouse or he was shaking, place your bets.

- Dan playing the mini game after all, Phil is never beating the younger brother stereotype truly.

- When did they film all of these that their heating is still broken?! Makes me think they really did pre-film most of these to have a less stressful time now during december, which good job guys!

- Mommy's voice reminds me of someone else in a tv show but I can't figure out what? Anyone know?

- Their delighted faces at seeing jacksepticeye are adorable, like you could tell they were so happy truly and I love these little easter eggs!

- "Sean you down there?" HOWLING

- They edited so many clips and memes into this (which makes me think they edited it rather than an editor) haha

- Phil just, maybe unconsciously, moving impossibly closer to Dan is a big mood (only I am alone rip).

- Weirdly enough the mini games are the most calming part for me, like there is a clear focus and clear objective of what to do and it's like: here is a problem, solve it and I think that does wonders for me.

- Unsure if I am shaking from anxiety or being cold (also great I have more uni work to do after watching this)

- Yes please sanitize my boobs. What

- I agree Phil, we have gotten a lot of lore (about you)!

- Phil's panicked "geese!" gets me every time because it's so cute.

- "I feel kinda bad" aw ofc you do Phil and ofc you don't Dan, so very in character for both of them honestly.

- "Sometime in 2023, so not much longer" Phil, honey, there are like 20 days left what do you mean?!

This actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, after I had my little cry at the beginning. I was actually quite calm by the end and I think my anxiety actually is less, which I didn't think would happen. The magic of Dan and Phil, see you tomorrow!

[freebooter4ever]

Are the lines on your drawings stylistic choices or are they measurement/guiding lines? Either way, they are cool, but just wondered. I dont understand drawing at all, might as well be a magic spell to me. I was looking at the pencil (?) sketch of Malkin with the cheesecutter hat on.

i, uh, definitely did not google 'cheesecutter hat' until after i saved out these images. :/ sorry about that. if you'd like the other one broken down, i can do that too lol. my reading comprehension when im tired is kinda lazy i just saw 'cheese' and imediately thought 'omelette'. SO here's the 1) initial sketch, 2) 'clean' sketch, and 3) final lines for the omelette boy drawing instead:

also i have had a cumulative of about 9 ish hrs of sleep total for the past two days so keep that in mind for if this explanation makes no sense, its not my fault. :( anyway! the way i draw definitely has changed over the years but currently im really trying to focus on the line i "see" rather than the one that is actually "there". i've been applying this to my writing for years (story vs happening truth) and you know it never occurred to me that i could do it in my drawings too till like...a few years ago. in general these lines seem to form the planes of the subject. if you google 'stanford bunny' you can find an easy example of a 3D surface turned into triangles. I do this too - see things in relative triangle proportions, except i've been doing it long before i knew how computers worked. i cant begin to tell you how long d*sney and cartooning's obsession with round building blocks of anatomical structure fucked with my brain until i finally decided i could cast that teaching aside completely.

ANYWAY sorry off subject again. so we have these sketchy under lines, and usually as im trying to find the proportions and form of the subject these lines end up being where the light/shadow hits. here i saved out the 1) 'flat colors', 2) the 'light', and 3) the 'shadow' parts on their own (i lightened the background for the 'shadow' so its easier to see):

the light is like four or five 'overlay' layers of pale yellow/orange. you can see how each of these layers follow one of those sketchy lines i did initially. and the same with the shadow but instead its a dark red color set to 'multiply' for each layer. and when you combine everything together you get:

some bullshit :). anyway you know that anniversary edition of beauty and the beast that featured the version previewed to nyc audiences in 1990 with the glen ke*ne sketchy keyframe animation of the beast's transformation? i watched that - must have been sometime after i graduated college - and i felt robbed that THAT version was never presented as a final piece. the 'unclean' drawings had so much more life and movement and intensity to them. tldr i like the messy lines, i hate 'inking' with a passion (HATE. IT.), and when i finally allowed myself to stop giving a fuck drawing became way more interesting. but my art is shit and i will never be glen k*ane so i dont really feel like the best advocate for this "style". alas. there was this one artist on tumblr who i fucking loved whose sketches were SPECTACULAR but the asshole racists in the m*c*ha*nz*o fandom bullied her off tumblr and ive never been able to find her art anywhere else since. she was also very negative about her 'unclean' sketches and it made me so sad. there was also this other artist whose sketches were awe inspiring but all she drew was p*rn and well...we all know what happened on tumblr in december 2018.

also i 100% stole the lighting scheme from The Bear which is currently one of the most gorgeous shows on television right now in my opinion

im really really sorry if this makes no sense, if im feeling motivated maybe i'll try again when my brain is fully functioning but with the actual 'cheesecutter hat' doodle ^_^

[syceusfig]

Sex Education S4.

Hi friends, its been a while. Shit has been pouring down and I've been here with no umbrella, just hoping for it to end and it hasn't but you know what? Acceptance is a gift. So here I am, accepting things and writing a rant about the forth season of Sex Education because I might actually be going insane. If I feel like it, I might do a proper analysis of the show as a whole because it is absolutely fantastic. I highly recommend watching it if you haven't yet. That being said, spoilers for Sex Education season 4 (and potentially other seasons) ahead.

I'm honestly not entirely sure how I feel about this season. I think I prefer it to the third season but not to the first and second. To begin, I think it might be nice to cover why that might be.

So the first, probably most striking factor, is how crowded Sex Education got in the third season. There were (from what I found) 18 characters considered part of the main cast in the third season, which made it very difficult for the show to put any focus on specific characters and shortened the amount of time we got with the main three. Now, the forth season cut out quite a few characters and managed to do it somewhat naturally with Otis and Eric's shift from Moordale to Cavendish, as well as Jean finding out Jakob was not Joy's father. Most of the characters that were cut out had completed storylines (in my opinion) so I wasn't too bothered by it however I felt that Ola and Jakob's complete removal from the show was too sudden as there was no consolidation from Jean finding out Jakob wasn't Joy's father to him completely leaving. I also thought that Ola not being in Adam's life made no sense as I was really hoping they'd get more screentime this season after they got so little of it last season.

I want to note that I do know Patricia Allison (the actress who plays Ola) had said she would not be returning for the forth season and things like that do happen, however it is still very unfortunate and I wish Ola would've at least still have been mentioned by Adam, acknowledging her absence in his life because her complete erasure felt unnatural to me and didn't make much sense overall.

In spite of this, cutting some characters out was generally a good thing. It allowed the show to focus and develop more on characters, giving them more complete, well-developed storylines (or it should have, but we'll get to that) and removing the struggle for screentime I felt there was in Season 3.

One of the downfalls of this season, however, was the failure to fully take advantage of the newfound lack of crowing. There was a certain choppiness to the third season and all the storylines felt disjointed. Which can be okay, as characters do need to develop by themselves, but too much individuality can take away from the whole. The first two seasons of Sex Education had that wholeness, characters had storylines but they were connected in a way; there was a bigger picture that formed as each character developed their smaller, individual pictures. Unfortunately, the choppiness from the third season remained in the forth. Though less, there was a disjointedness. The characters were very strongly "grouped" this season and their storylines hugely revolved around those groups and those groups only. There was no bigger picture, there was no "ultimate" which left a sense of unfinished.

Speaking of unfinished, I'm going to move into individual things that worked and didn't work this season, starting with Jackson and Cal. Quite simply, there was no resolution. Their relationship went nowhere this season, it was just something that sort of lingered over the audience's head but never went anywhere. I found it increasingly frustrating and thought there were multiple moments that could've been worked to create a resolution between them, whatever that may have been. Like when Cal went missing, if Jackson had found them rather than Eric, something could have been done there, a talk, a moment, anything. I just didn't like how they were sort of glossed over. Ultimately, I felt their storyline was unfinished and, as a whole, discarded.

Before moving on I want to talk a little bit more about Cal. I thought they had a lot of potential when they were introduced in Season 3 them being non-binary was practically their only defining trait. I had hope that more would be done with them this season because it's great to have NB representation in shows but I don't feel more has been done. There were some pros, like us getting a bit of a view into Cal's home life, but aside from that it didn't feel like much had changed and the only moment Cal was at all crucial to the story was right at the end.

I also felt that Otis and Eric's "rift" didn't work. One of my favourite things about Sex Education has been Otis and Eric's relationship because they have an incredible bond despite their differences and are always there for each other when needed. The lack of this relationship this season was very much missed. While I understand Eric's inclination to befriend people he felt were more similar to him, I feel the show navigated this badly and it was sort of an afterthought. Otis and Eric's fight was furthermore incredibly redundant as it was similar to fights Otis and Eric previously had made up and moved on from, making it seem like a fight for the sake of a fight.

There was quite a bit of fighting for the sake of fighting this season. Which brings me to my next point, Maeve and Otis. I was firstly glad the show had them keep in contact while Maeve was in America so they didn't start in that sort of strange, vague place they did in the third season. However, their on and off this season was very unnecessary. With the death of Maeve's mum and her having just come back from America, their relationship would have already faced enough challenges and obstacles. Getting to watch them navigate that in a relationship would have worked a lot better than the same "will they, won't they" the show has been doing for three seasons already. It's gotten old. We ended up not getting much time with them as a couple which I was really hoping for.

Maeve and Otis' ending in and off itself was understandable but I am very upset regardless. I loved the bit with the note, I thought it wrapped everything up very well. I liked that she kept the shirt, I liked that she chose herself and her future, I like how he closed his eyes when she left so, to be fair, I liked quite a lot. But, as I've said, I wish we had gotten more time with them in the season because I think it would've made it more impactful.

Something that wasn't major but I quickly want to talk about was Eric's relationship with religion this season. While I liked that the show presented how difficult it can be being a queer person who is still religious and finds community in church or worship in general, I found Eric's religion journey confusing. The abstract aspects of it (like the signs, the woman who I suppose was God, etc.) were kind of like when Villanelle started seeing Jesus in "Killing Eve". I didn't think the abstract aspects really fit with the rest of the show so it all just felt out of place. However, I liked that it brought about a lovely family moment with Eric and his mum.

I've been talking mostly about what didn't work so I'm switching to something that has. Family moments were something this season absolutely nailed. The scene between Maeve and Jean was absolutely beautiful and so tender. I loved everything about it and I think the show did wonderfully, especially because Jean and Maeve properly meeting was something I have been waiting for since the start of the show. This and the simple, lovely moment were Cal and their mum were lying together.

Also worth mentioning Adam and his dad's slowly growing and healing relationship. Mr. Groff's development throughout the show has been done astonishingly well, I was genuinely rooting for him this season and I loved seeing him trying with Adam. I also thought Adam was great. I liked that he found something he loved, accepting school wasn't for him because it really isn't for everyone and it's very nice to see that acknowledged.

So, there were nice things about this season and I did enjoy it (I mean, I finished it the day after it came out) despite it definitely not being my favourite. Now, I have a multitude of different issues with the end probably because so much pressure and anticipation goes into an ending that when it doesn't reach the expectations we set for it, it can be very detrimental to our overall enjoyment. For Sex Education, I think there are a lot of little things that could have been changed to make the ending more satisfying, more final. But, if I keep going I will never, ever stop (and it is mainly minor things that could've been done) so I think I'll just end this post here on a semi-positive note.

Sex Education is a great show. Yes, it was better at the start and yes I think it could've been wrapped up earlier hopefully leaving us with a more satisfying ending. But it's still very much worth the watch, there's a lot to love, and I still recommend watching it regardless. I want to be clear in saying I don't think this season or the ending was horrible by any means I just expected and hoped for more. Anyway, if you have any thoughts do share them whether or not you agree with me; I'm always happy to discuss.

[ciaran]

ok ok ok i told myself i was gonna write this so im going to write it even htough its not going to make any sense and i am not actually doing anything and everything sucks. but we live in a shitsuck world so i am gonna write my dumb little thoughts down.

mo du spoilers ahead and discussions of triggering topics

anyway so. the thing abt the last book of mo du which is a v recognisable thing to happen and i Get It as an author like i truly do despite the longest thing ive ever written having been 50k of unhinged word vomit about feeling profoundly isolated from reality. i am the shit king of things that are too complicated and simple and that make no sense and plot is not my strong point as an author and i could not have done better. but i truly believed that priest could. anyway the thing that happened is that the last book was just not good lmao and it was not good for a few very particular reasons that were EASILY rectified by having a team of good alpha readers who are willing to slap you over the head and tell you to make a damn decision.

the thing is that before that mo du IS good and my idea for what should have happened in the last arc WAS SET UP BY THE NARRATIVE! i was not an idiot for thinking that that was what would happen! its just that she refused to go there for two critical reasons

she felt like she wouldnt have enough time to resolve this plot point

she didnt want to introduce a new major trauma before the end

she didnt trust her characters to get through it

she had set up a moral system in which once u commit murder u are irretrievable from The Abyss (as proven by that one dead cop's daughter idr her name but she killed a cop by accident)

that's more than 2 but i am a lit crit bitch not a numbers bitch. moving on.

she WOULD have had time to resolve this plot point if she had simplified her plot by a few threads. that cult shit was not necessary. the fact that the mysterious organization had someone within working to bring about its downfall was a great touch that didnt go far enough. there was a parallel between fan siyuan and fei du that was never fully explored and that was a waste of both their characters.

fei du needed to Go Through Something and he just did not. he needed to suffer a major moral injury in order for that arc to work - he needed to kill his father, or be mindbroken by being submerged in the abyss. the abyss needed to affect him. instead he is untouched which is awful. where are The Horrors of finding yourself at home among monsters! where is the Relief of not needing to mask, and wondering if this might just be better, if its not a little joyous to not care about morality and goodness. where is the Fear and the Self-Hate and the moral conflict between wanting to become your worst self and wanting to slip back into a comfortable orbit. where is the CRISIS OF FAITH!

but that's the thing, she didn't trust luo wenzhou to be able to handle fei du like that. she knows lwz can handle fd when he's being like "im gonna atticwife you shixiong" while clearly being a wet bedraggled catboy but she doesnt know if lwz could handle fd while hes laughing maniacally and trying to decide between killing his father, zhou chunliang, and fan siyuan. not that fd can handle a gun's recoil but that's not the relevant part. she didn't know if lwz could see fd at his worst and still love him but he CAN! he's a little crazy too let him find it kinda hot when fd struts around masterminding complicated criminal plots.

i truly think that showdown should have had lwz as a captive audience so fd experiences terrible feelings. OR fd should have actually HAD TO kill his father, no take-backs, no last minute outs. murder that vegetable. pull the fucking PLUG piglet. he should have to live with patricide even if he's never going to be charged with anything. lwz should have to live with loving a guy who was forced to have blood on his hands. let him have nightmares for the rest of his life about the closure he craved for so long.

but this goes back to priest's issue with MORALITY. the morality of the mo du universe is very clearly slanted into people being either GOOD or BAD and once you cross the line you can NEVER COME BACK. there is no complexity offered to the characters and there SHOULD HAVE BEEN! fan siyuan was a horrible person but what if he felt like he didnt have a choice? what if he was just like fei du and HIS lwz died? u cant tell me that fan siyuan wasnt in love w that one guy whose photo he was trying to see in his last moments. show me the beauty under the rot. what if fei du was pushed over the line? could he still be allowed to have some light? could lwz LET HIM? and i truly think lwz can, it's fd who cant let himself have that. but fd needed some confounding factors in his worldview.

call me a whump lover but i love when theres major trauma at the end of a book but it's still slanting to a happy ending. i like a hint of bitterness, a hint of "it will never be okay but at least we have each other." it's good.

anyway when mac and i were talking about this mac also suggested that fd walking into the abyss could have been very effective as a trust fall, a sign that he KNOWS that lwz will come for him and pull him out and not let him get lost in the evilsauce. and i agree w that being hot but i also have a personal preference for fd having a crisis of faith and lwz having a crisis of faith and both of them realizing in the end that they did choose each other and they still have each other

but priest chickened out of Challenging her Characters at the end and that just meant the whole thing rang soooo hollow. big grief. mz priest i will give u one dollar and my heart if u write an alt ending

get rid of that cult shit, get rid of the moral black and whiteness, let fei du sink into hell and kill his dad and be pulled out and dusted off and loved anyway. forgive some of the people who wandered into it without meaning to. let lang qiao and xiao haiyang kiss. The End

[littlewalken]

Nov 29

I started redoing the notes for Grease 2 and a good amount of pages in I realized that was not going to be the way to do them exactly and I'll have to kind of put them back the way they were. It's kind of at the let's figure out some topics to organize them by stage anyway.

It's all just busy work that will hopefully benefit future Little Walken.

Had the urge to draw for five seconds.

today's IRL update-

Well, now we've actually looked at a place that could work space wise, of course the smothering unit has found things wrong with it, and comes the decision to take a place that will be ready in a month or keep holding out for the other place which we will probably drive by today to see how far they are or aren't with building it.

I have stated that I would be fine living in either place so the decision isn't fully mine because we all know how eldest daughter shit goes. She has someone to call to make sure the utilities math and a couple of little things will fly but otherwise... Even I don't know what to do because if it's the one place we're there until I'm old enough for an old folks place, the other is an old folks place.

Once we apply for a place not only do we have to pay fees we might not get back it could mean we can't apply anywhere else, like if we go for the already made place and the construction site, with it's better in her eyes financial situation, comes available I'll never hear the end of it. Trust me it will be turned on me. Even if it's the construction site. She'll have a fresh audience.

Meanwhile we're okay staying here a little while longer and we're wanting to get back to a normal for us life at the same time.

And everyone we had in our real life who could give us advice was driven away by the Life Ruiner because how dare the special princess in the family be disciplined and so on.

[racingtoaredlight]

Weekend Music Recap

Thursday night I got a text from the percussionist I’ve been studying with about a gig he had the next evening.  This club just opened up in a particularly shitty part of Cleveland, but considering there’s really only one jazz club worth a shit in the city, they might be a good spot in the future.  Hence hiring this guy to get some gigs going.  And he was playing with this guitarist with a sterling reputation, that I’d never heard before.

I wasn’t able to make the first show of theirs...where one of my other teachers was playing with him too...and I wasn’t about to make this one either.  My last few weeks at work have been insane, and frankly, I just wanted to stay home and be lazy.  My uncle wanted to see it though, and talked me and my cousin into it.

And man was it worth it.  I’d known about the guitarist (from video above) for awhile...there’s not many absolute batshit guitar monsters in NE Ohio, let alone guitarists who spent 5 years with organ god Joey DeFrancesco (I had no idea about this beforehand)...and this was my first time seeing him in person.

Here’s the weird thing...this trio was probably the best jazz guitarist, bassist and drummer in all of NE Ohio...and my cousin, uncle and I were the only people there, except for a percussionist student of my teacher’s who sat in for half the songs.

It was the best jazz concert I’ve been to in two years.

***

Aside from the guitarist, I knew the other guys really well.  I’ve played with the drummer and bassist before, and talked with them numerous times over the years because both of my guitar teachers play with the both of them all the time.  And, obviously, taking lessons with the drummer himself gives you an idea of what they’re all about.  They’re consummate professionals in every sense, except when we were all smoking outside the club on their set break lol.

Since the audience was essentially just my family, it was a much less formal setting than a normal jazz gig would be for these guys.  The break was 45 minutes just because we were all talking.  After the smoke break, the guitarist and I talked for probably 15 minutes at the bar about guitar, and man was that a treat.

I’ve talked to a bunch of my guitar idols, and usually there’s a time when you drop a note about something and they realize they don’t need to do the politician thing and put training wheels on.  Once I asked him about his George Benson picking technique, his eyes lit up and we were off.  Between the six of us (my cousin is a huge music fan, and my uncle and I have been in bands together on and off the past 7 years), we probably could’ve spent the rest of the night just talking about music...but it was probably for the best they got back on stage.

I don’t know what it was...I’ve seen the bassist and drummer multiple dozens of times each...but they were all on straight fire.  I mean this in every sense of the word...the drummer pulled out all the stops, the bassist was doing things melodically that were way out on a limb for any musician let alone a bassist...

For whatever reason, the three of them gave the three of us their full 100% effort, and man was it a blast to watch.  It was titanic.

***

Dan Wilson is an awesome dude to the core.  I’m not going to fully get into what we talked about, but it’s clear that he gives a shit beyond just the music.  It was a treat getting to talk to him.

When it came to music, it was really interesting talking to someone I fully respected that came from somewhere outside of my experience with music.  Education is education...and while I’ve always had the personal experience with the collegiate and conservatory route, I knew how potent the gospel world was in terms of building an incredible musical foundation.  It’s the same shit with a different gauntlet and subtle tweaks.

We’re the same age, and hearing him talk about his early musical childhood and George Benson was so similar to mine, just with different avenues.  The way he talked about George Benson was the exact same way I talk about Joe Pass.  What he was doing with a pick, hybrid picking, finger picking...it was different than how I do it...but the way he used them as a practical technical solution was almost the exact same way I’d use my own versions from the Joe Pass school.

Obviously, he’s worlds beyond where I am professionally (being in Joey DeFrancesco’s band for 5 years is one of jazz guitar’s king positions).  The depth of his playing, the effortless skill, the endless encyclopedia of lines, the solidity of his groove were aspects of his playing that inspired me like crazy.  And watching him match two monsters I’ve known for awhile step for step was such a goddamned treat.

He’s invited me to a couple jam sessions down in Akron that I’m hoping to take him up on this summer.

***

I’ve seen so much jazz in my life that it’s easy to tell when guys are just on autopilot and mailing it in.  It’s easier to tell when guys are giving more than 100% and really putting in the work...which was the case Friday.

My cousin, the whole night, was saying shit like “do people in other cities go to jazz shows?” and “how is there nobody here?”  It’s a sad commentary on the state of jazz, but I digress...

For whatever reason, these guys were giving the three of us their all, and man was it a fucking treat.  But it’s a great overarching question, these are all proven world class jazz musicians.

Why was this drummer here?  He’s a four-decade veteran of Paul Simon’s touring band, a world-renowned percussionist, with teaching stints at Berklee and Juiliard.  Why was this bassist here?  He’s a native New Yorker who splits time between the Apple and Cleveland, who’s one of the best bassists I’ve ever heard in my life.  Why was this guitarist here?  A sub-40 jazz veteran, who held down one of the most coveted guitar spots in the genre for five years?

These guys could get just about any job in jazz that they wanted...globally...and they’re playing what was essentially a private concert for a few members of my family...in a shitty club in a shitty part of Cleveland.  They could’ve just said fuck it.  Instead, they fucking tore the roof off the place.

It’s a damn shame that we were the only people to hear it.

But in any event, Dan Wilson has skyrocketed onto my favorite guitarists list...and any chance I get to see him, I’m making it.

***

Also played a solo gig Saturday night...didn’t know it was being marketed as people coming to see me (thought it was some kind of special event)...and the place was packed with probably 50 people.  It was a blast, the place did a ton of business, I played like shit but nobody noticed, and I’m likely going to get hired a bunch more.

Practice pays off.  It might not pay off immediately...but over time, it pays off in spades.  Helped coming off of the high of Friday night too...all I could think of when I was playing was trying to be in the groove as solidly as Dan was the night before.

Seeing incredible musical shit is inspiring, no matter what the genre, venue, audience, whatever.  I’m still buzzing from seeing that show, I don’t even care about my own shit.

[tipsygnostalgy]

Fantastic piece. Thoughts below.

I wouldn't know shit about Homestuck's perception of Jake overtime, but I think the unhinged approach has to do with the fact that for a grand majority of the comic Jake exists in the "middle." He, like most of the others kids, is pathetic and a little dumb and an extremely complicated character that doesn't get nearly enough attention nor development over the course of the plot; he's a mixture of wanting attention and hating it, never quite being enough for others, vacillating between two attitudes towards life and unable to do shit about it by virtue of the Narrative. Jake English can't be a fully fledged Hope player in canon, nor can he be one in the Epilogues, because to canonically have that deus ex machina is to do a worst disservice to the narrative than any fanfic will ever achieve. But he has his "good" moments, as he does his "bad" ones—I like to consider it a spectrum of behavior that nobody really knows where he falls under.

And that gets really fucking annoying after a little bit, sorry dude. Or it doesn't, and it's people wanting to try the other way. We've seen him in the middle, we've seen him way off the pathetic scale (Candy Jake, maybe?), so why not the other way around? Everyone likes to see a God, Jake just happens to provide a perfect medium to write one with without it becoming ridiculous.

About the audience, though. I'm actually not sure if Jake operates for the destruction of the audience, at least long-term. At some point you become so self-aware that you realize being self-aware (read: self-hating) about your every action is kind of a loser thing to do, and that might be the case for Jake. He's always putting on shows and fronts at various levels—for the audience, for his friends, for himself—but he doesn't necessarily hate it. It's the fact that people see him only as that front and nothing more that fucks him over, and why the notion of "knowing" is so important to me in the context of both Dirk and Jake. Dirk's approach is that if we have to be controlled, then I'd rather it be me than anyone else; I think Jake's would be that, as someone who has been a puppet for most of his life but knows damn well half his friends have been putting on performances as well, in some sense we're all controlled no matter what scale that's at, so why actively make yourself unhappy? Why put the blood on your hands? Sure, a Narrative controls the characters, an author controls the Narrative, but writing doesn't always go this way: countless authors describe their writing process as simply transcripts of what the characters are doing, of them having their own agency. Is Jake not a primary example of the author not being God? Isn't he being a disruptive character with something dangerously close to agency in Dirk's Narrative at this exact second just by being here, talking to him? Why would you chase something so meaningless when you could simply exist, and so long as you're seen for the person you are to the people you care about, that's all that matters? I mean, it's not like Dirk's using this power for happiness anyway—it's just control. And that's a little silly. Characters have more influence over the story than Dirk might assume, though if you really want to look at it from the "they have no choice" angle, you can. But in a fight that's turtles all the way down, trying to find the Ultimate answer instead of, like, being happy? Shrugs.

Fun thought and more of a headcanon than anything, but I like to imagine that Ult. Jake picks out an author for each story. He roulettes around them like browsing a fucking catalog until he finds one that does something he likes and he tosses the Narrative over to them, watching the trend spread and expand and knowing the task of Observer/God is out of his hands now. Or maybe my days of analyzing Ink Sans and the evolution of fanculture for a story are getting to me again, I don't know. But yeah, thank you very much for this work.

Hi Tony i want to ask something of you. In fanon more often than not i see Jake becoming slightly more unhinged and unnerving as he gets older. Do you think this would hpapen canonically? Or are all these fanartsits and writers just projecting what they want from jake on jake

This isn't a hate on it by the way, I just realised the other day I see more often the idea of Jake becoming more unnerving as he gets older alongside Dirk and that i'd accepted it and I'm unsure if its canonically viable or not.

I actually think the nature of Jake is that people project what they want on to him-- be you an author, an audience, or a character within the text. It's an interesting concept because Jake is a character who is never afforded free will and even in fanfiction and transformative works made to give Jake free will, he's still a character doing an author's bidding ultimately.

There's a bit in Meat that discusses this with Calliope and Dirk iirc. Calliope wants Jake to have free will, but Dirk argues that Jake is incapable of free will. And truly, even on a metatextual level, the existence of a narrative voice renders basically everyone, but especially Jake, incapable of free will within a narrative.

I don't know if you've seen Revolutionary Girl Utena, but there's an exchange in Utena that I believe they're referencing intertextually here between Utena and Touga about Anthy. Utena insists that Anthy does not want to be the rose bride, and Anthy confirms this. But when Touga defeats Utena and takes Anthy as the rose bride himself, Anthy claims being the rose bride is all she's ever wanted. Touga then says Anthy is incapable of free will and her expressions of "wanting to be a normal girl" when with Utena were just Utena projecting her own wants on to Anthy and claiming them to be free will.

(pinch of salt, I haven't rewatched Utena in a few years, but this is how I remember the scene)

In many ways, this is what Calliope, and us as authors, do to Jake, and what in text Dirk is criticising as a concept. He's like, well I'm projecting my desires and wants on to Jake and you say that's bad but at least I'm being honest about it. I'm treating Jake like a puppet, but that's all he's ever going to be anyway.

Er. I think I've got wildly off topic from your actual question.

I think getting older in many ways is realising that being 14 is a state of mind and that's just who you occasionally are for the rest of your life. So yeah, I think ageing does come with this element of derangement. I have a lot of thoughts about Jake as effectively this ageing child star, put on a pedestal on Earth-C at 16 and it becoming insidious, exploitative.

Jake is self aware of his lack of agency on a literal level within the narrative, perhaps even of the narrative itself-- like a gilded bird cage of his own making and he probably could slip out between the bars but then who would he be, where would he go, would everyone hate him and abandon him? He'll just stay trapped, stay prety on display, stay hurt until everyone probably leaves anyway because an audience is a very very fickle thing.

And I think that does sort of lead to an angle for me of Sunset Boulevard, tearing the yellow wallpaper, the starlet breakdown. Which is the depressing, almost Swift approach to it. And then you have the Ultimate Jake approach to it, the Snap. And yeah, I think historically Jake takes and takes and takes and bends and bends and bends and is called selfish for that and eventually that would snap anyone. If on top of that, he's aware of Dirk's actions and of the narrative, of being on display constantly even if he escapes that little bird cage, if the only way to ensure people stop fucking looking at him is to destroy the audience itself-- yes, I would accept that story as viable for his character.

[ravenpureforever]

So I know we all joke about Porchay living his best Wattpad life, myself included, but I think we all kind of ignore how Kim just never dissuaded him from that notion and how we find that genre dissonance between Porsche & Kim’s view (and often our audience view) of Chay and how he actually acts, and we’re all sleeping on the mini character arc he’s gotten over the course of the series.

Porsche and Kim don’t want Chay to get caught up in the mafia world, and they both seem to view him in the same lense: he’s innoncent, sweet, incorruptible.

But Chay has fucking balls man, and he’s a lot more resilient than people give him credit for. He also ignores red flags like he’s color blind. We don’t get to see much of him, but the glimpses we do get show there is so much more beneath the surface.

First:

Man grew up with Porsche & a dead beat Uncle, you telling me he didn’t see some shit growing up? No matter how well Porsche protected him, Chay is the one dressing his wounds when he comes back from fighting, Chay still hears the loan sharks coming for his Uncle, he’s growing up watching his older brother as really the only source of income for his household. And he can’t do anything about it. Watching episode 1, when Chay asks Porsche to let him get a job and help out, it feels like they’ve had this conversation before, it feels resigned, it feels like a final quiet plea of “we’ve talked about this before, but please, please, please just consider it.” But Porsche says no, I’m going to take care of it and I can’t help but think of the impact that has, of watching the person he loves most get beat down again and again and not being able to do anything about it. I feel like Chay probably grew up being the peacekeeper, the one trying to keep the waters calm. Its clear he knows he’s his brother’s world, that his brother has done so much to keep him sheltered and happy, and I can think of Porsche teaching Chay manners, teaching him ideals of being kind to others and Chay just internalizing it and deciding “ah yes, so this is my role in the family, this is how I can help my brother.” Chay probably felt a lot of pressure, no matter how unintentionally and how unconditionally Porsche loves him, to be a reason why his brother is doing all of this, he’s probably hyper aware of how he’s Porsche’s motivation, that everything his brother does is for him. That does things to your self-worth, to how you view yourself. I get the feeling hasn’t had any agency over his own life before, he’s always been the princess locked in the tower, aware of the war but not allowed to participate. His happily ever has been chosen and now he just has to see it through.

Then literally overnight, he wakes up and his Uncle has vanished, and his brother has left with just a fairly suspicious note about pursuing his dream that’ll completely be able to fully support Chay. His entire way of living has transformed, and now he’s completely alone. He went from princess locked in a tower as a war rages on to a Queen of a decimated kingdom. He can not grieve, he can only have faith and move forward.

This is also how I realized Chay has practically been designed to ignore all red flags and interpret them as something else.

Enter Kim, stage right. Enter Chay’s wattpad fantasy come to life, also stage right.

When Chay meets Kim, he is someone who has literally nothing to lose throwing himself out there. My boy literally just recites an encyclopedia knowledge of “Wik, sir, you are my hyper fixation” all in the hopes of getting that T-shirt. And it works! His idol signs his T-shirt, he gets to talk to his idol, he has been rewarded for putting himself out there!

So go big or go home right? He might as well try asking for a tutor when asked if there’s anything he wants. And he’s shot down. No big deal, he moves on and has merch thats going to be the envy of the Wik fandom.

But then his idol calls him, and says he’ll tutor him. Wik remembered him, remembered his request, and then proceeded to hunt down a way to get Chay’s phone number and call him personally in order to tell him he’s decided to he’s going to help him get into the his dream department that he himself is apart of.

Its easy to view Chay from Kim’s perspective, as an excitable fanboy with a crush, but we forget how Kim looks from Chay’s perspective. So lets look on how everything seems from Chay’s perspective.

Chay put himself out there, made a decision solely for himself and what he wants and now his idol wants to tutor him. He’s been actively rewarded twice now, by the same person, for asserting what he wants and trying to get it. He’s gotten his cake and is eating it too. He has a celebrity crush like most people get, only his celebrity crush is now making the effort to genuinely get to know him. 

Wik tells Chay his name is Kim, he’s being open and vulnerable to Chay, and he’s trusting him with his identity. Kim asks about his brother, even though Chay didn’t tell him, red flag to any normal person citing he saw Chay’s screensaver and made an assumption. Kim is taking an interest in his life, he notices little details about him, and is asking to here more about the coolest person in the world, his brother and even noticed how much Chay loves Porsche that he wants Chay to write a song about it! He even trusts Chay enough to ask for his phone when Kim’s phone has died, even though that’ll mean there’s important numbers in Chay’s call history, and he trusts that Chay won’t take advantage of them!

And maybe Chay starts to fall a bit in love with Kim. Not Wik, but Kim, who’s a little bit insecure, a little bit awkward, but is making all this effort for Chay.

For Chay, it isn’t anything manipulative or suspicious, he’s becoming friends Kim, they’re sharing information about themselves, they’re bonding now, and he’s been shown that if he pushes, Kim will stay. Chay is all alone now, he has to take care of himself, but if he makes an effort and keeps putting himself out there, if he makes his wants known, Kim comes to him. Kim trusts him, and as long as Chay takes the initiative, he also makes the effort to bond with Chay.

Then Porsche comes back! Chay isn’t alone anymore, and they’re happy and safe and Porsche isn’t getting beat up! And then Porsche once again immediately leaves without a word and few days later you get the first call you’ve gotten from him since he left the first time and now he’s back at work and doesn’t know when he’ll be back again. He’s all alone, and his brother has seem to get a new life that once again Chay’s not allowed to be apart of.

But then Kim shows up at his house! And Chay immediately throws his brother under the bus in a desperate bid to keep Kim’s good opinion of him, once again, gotta admire the sheer balls and audacity of that move. Then Kim gifts him one of his guitars! Porsche do you understand how easily your brother could be taken advantage of do you? Sure he almost gets the heart attack of Kim discovering his shrine, but what teenager doesn’t have posters on the wall of his favorite singer? Maybe it’s weird that he wants Chay to go get the food for them both, but he could have an important phone call to make, he could be nervous going out in public where people could recognize him! Then when he gets back Kim asks him about his love life! Kim ruffles his hair! Kim tells him to write a love song!

Kim is checking off all the boxes of my crush likes me back.

So when Kim ghosts him a little, Chay makes the obvious conclusion. Show up at his house and sing him the love song he wrote! He’s been shown time, and time again that if he reaches out to Kim, Kim will eventually grab his hand. Kim has shown to be awkward and a little of unsure of himself around Chay, but relaxes when Chay takes the initiative. So Chay does what’s always worked. With literally no fear or anxiety whatsoever.

And with episode 13, we see how close they were getting. We see how they went out to places together, romantically or platonically, and they took pictures together! They were friends, they were close, they had a level of trust and bonding and vulnerability for Chay to take photos with Kim and leave them around his house for Kim to find!

So Chay once again has nothing left to lose, and shoots his final shot and confesses to Kim. And Kim kisses him! They hug! Kim may or may not have come home with him that night but at some point in they’re relationship post confession, they fall asleep cuddling on the couch.

And Chay and Porsche are very similar. They fall in love quickly, they become very devoted and loyal to that love, and they are honest about it. Chay and Porsche are both the first ones to say I love you, but while Porsche doesn’t ask for a reply, Chay does. Because Kim has shown time and time again that Chay needs to take the initiative. So he asks Kim: I love you, do you love me?

But he stops at that and lets Kim take his time. Because that’s the song and dance their courtship has been taking, Chay flirts, Chay pushes forward and then Kim comes to meet him the rest of the way.

Chay is living in a Wattpad fantasy: he meets his idol crush, his idol crush becomes fascinated with him, he sees the real human behind his idol crush’s persona and falls in love with the awkward, sweet person underneath, he confesses his love and the feeling is mutual! And all of this seems to be fate, like this perfect love story and the happy ending he actually wants. He’s practically gotten into his dream department with the boy of his dreams who loves him back.

He’s confirming it is all real, and letting Kim know that it’s all real on his end.

And then he gets fucking kidnapped. And then he gets indisputable proof that his brother has been lying to him this entire time, and he was kidnapped because of that secret life his brother was lying about it.

The ultimatum may seem harsh, but it makes sense when you see it from Chay’s perspective. He probably feels essentially abandoned by his brother for the past two months, and he’s understandably pissed about everything thats happened in the last 48 hours or so. His brother can be part of his life and they can go back to the way things were, but Chay can’t be a part of his life if his brother is in the mafia, and its true. Porsche has spent all this time telling Chay he wants him to get into a good school and get a good job and be surrounded by good people with a good social life. You can’t have that in the mafia, and Chay knows that. So from Chay’s perspective, his brother has basically just been a complete hypocrite to everything his brother taught him.

And while Porsche has been shown the type of person to be willing to throw away his morals and beliefs when it comes to the people he loves, Chay isn’t. His entire life has been surrounded on those ideals of being a good, kind person who lives a good life. And he’s understandably terrified of the thought of losing his brother and truly being on his own. He’s basically lost his only emotional support system for two months, and if his brother dies, he loses him for good.

So Chay says him or me, because in his mind either way he could lose his brother, but this is Chay making his own decision, this is Chay fighting back and reminding Porsche that see you hurt makes me hurt too. This ultimatum reminds Porsche that his actions have conquenses on Chay too, and it shows how Chay has grown up in his absence. Chay in episode one was willing to just bow his head and listen to what his brother, but Chay in episode 10 is willing to speak out, he’s no longer willing to be simply passive in his brother’s plans for him.

In the end, he and Porsche communicate, and we get a taste of how Chay is, like Porsche, willing to throw away his ideals because he loves someone. But now he’s been dragged into a completely unfamiliar world, he’s truly been into a different kingdom where he doesn’t have any of the power or agency he’s gotten used to having in Porsche’s absence.

And then its revealed the love of his life is part of the mafia, and he’s just gotta sit there and pretend like nothings wrong.

Side note: while it’s absolutely hilarious that absolutely nobody learned about the KimChay romance, it also makes a lot of sense. Rule number one of Wattpad romance: You NEVER tell your overprotective brother your in love or dating or got dumped. You NEVER let your big brother know about your love life. Rule number two of Wattpad romance: When dating a celebrity, you NEVER leave a hint that any fans could pick up on. You ALWAYS need to keep the relationship a secret for as long as humanly possible. Chay thinks he knows what genre he’s in, and he’s being smart about it.

So Chay goes to confront him. Like doesn’t even hesitate, just shows up like bitch you better explain yourself. Because that’s what he does, only this time he does it out of anger, not out of love.

And Kim tells him that his entire reality was a lie. When Chay breaks down crying, it’s not just because Kim dumped him, though that had to hurt, its because that means their entire friendship, all the kindness and effort Kim showed him, all the time they spent together, all the moments Chay thought were sweet, thought they were bonding and falling mutually in love was a complete and utter lie. He’s just been made a fool, and his entire life has been completely transformed and he has no control over any of it.

So he spirals and self destructs. Him ditching the interview may seem dumb and like he’s throwing everything Porsche worked for away, but think about it. Everything about this interview is going to reminder of Kim and how he betrayed Chay’s love and trust. This interview is a reminder of how his brother threw away his own life for Chay to have a future their parents would be proud of, despite his protests. This interview is an embodiment of Chay’s own lack of control in his own life, it has become a symbol of his pain.

Everything in Chay’s life has fallen apart and now he has to pick up the pieces and find his place in the new world he’s in.

So he tries to take back that lost control and ditches the interview. He does the stereotypical new haircut new me era. He goes out drinking with friends. Chay can’t talk to Porsche about any of this, he can’t be honest with friends about any of this. He doesn’t have any real support system in his life right now, and he’s falling apart. For the past two months he’s been in charge of his life for the first time, only for it to be yanked away and everything he knows to disappear. He wants to get that control back, but he has no clue how, and he has no one to help him. So he makes some dumbass decisions, but its not just because of Kim, it’s because desperately grappling for a sense of agency in a world that keeps stripping him of it.

And then Kim comes back into his life, and in Chay’s perspective, tries to take away his agency again and toy with his emotions. “You said you don’t care about me, but here you are caring about me,” and it makes him angry. So in episode 13, he tries to cut Kim off, he ignores his calls and blocks his number to assert his control of their relationship.

And then his agency and control is once again taken when Porsche wakes him up and (presumably) drops him off at Yok’s and (probably) doesn’t tell about anything that happens.

His Wattpad dream life romance has fallen apart, he’s had to leave his old life completely behind, and now he’s left in the ashes trying to figure put who he is and where he stands in this situation, trying to be his own person without anyone there to help him.

Conclusion: I think Chay is someone who strives to be kind and polite, and like Porsche wants to see the best in people, but he’s also incredibly brave and put into the position where he’s really making his own decisions for the first time in his life. He’s frustrated, he’s unsure, he’s making mistakes and fumbling around, but he’s a young adult finally trying to take control of his life after everything has been ripped out underneath him, and I think that side of him could be explored to.

I think Chay is the type of person who’s sweet and respectful, but when push comes to shove, he’s shown to be a no nonsense kind of person who isn’t afraid to backdown. He’ll listen, he’ll comprise, but Chay has a lot more of a spine and a no fear attitude than people give him credit for, but right now he’s desperately trying to assert his agency in a narrative that keeps taking it from him, and its causing him to self destruct.

I’m genuinely excited to see where his arc from passive princess in tower to living a self-insert life to currently self destructive extensional crisis ends up. We’ve only gotten a few scenes with him, but they’ve shown so much of a character arc that I feel people are sleeping on.

[tiannasfanfic]

Over the Road

Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader (Fluff)

Summary: The latest mission from Amanda Waller has the team hitting the road and heading to Wisconsin. This means twenty-five hours in the van with all of your coworkers, including Adrian Chase, who has been acting strangely around you for a couple months now. (Crossposted to AO3)

Rating: General Audiences

Author Note: Inspired by the Grumpy x Sunshine Prompt List by @screnwriter on Tumblr. Sadly, I think they have deleted all of their prompt lists, but I shared a couple on both tiannasfanfic (my writing blog) and tiannamortis (my main blog) that can still be seen. The prompt I was inspired by: "You might be the only person I can tolerate, but not even you can bring out the best in me this early in the morning."

Content Warming: A mention of how Adrian has no qualms about killing, but we all know that by now. None that I can think of outside of that. Please let me know if there are any that should be listed. :)

Word Count: 2,112

“You might be the only person I want to see first thing in the morning, but not even you can make me happy about being up THIS fucking early.”

After the words left Adrian’s mouth, he realized what he said and turned bright red.

Before his words could fully sink in and make you turn red next, Chris interrupted, giving you time to recover.

“Wait, only Y/N?” he said with a tone of hurt and offense, then he clutched at his heart. “You wound me! And after everything we’ve been through together!”

Sarcasm was still lost on Adrian though and he immediately got a worried look on his face.

“That’s not- I mean- I just meant- Of course I- You’re my-“ Adrian said, stumbling over his words with a panicked look on his face.

“Dude,” Chris cut him off. “Relax. I was just giving you shit. I’d rather see Y/N than you first thing in the morning, too.”

“Oh, sorry” Adrian said, calming down. Then he glanced back at you with wide eyes before going back to loading his bags of equipment into the van.

You chuckled and yawned slightly. It was going to be a long drive. It was roughly a twenty-five-hour drive from Evergreen to your destination in Wisconsin. And that was if you drove straight through, lucked out when it came to traffic and switched out drivers every few hours rather than stopping for the night. You expected at least one overnight stop though. Even though everyone usually got along well enough, at some point someone was going to explode. It was inevitable considering it was only 4:37am, the van hadn’t even left HQ yet and everyone was already in a bad mood.

Except for you. You were the only one that was bright and cheery.

Harcourt, Leota and John kept looking at you oddly because they knew you weren’t a morning person. While this fact escaped Chris and Adrian since they were never at HQ early enough to see it, the others knew you didn’t really become conscious until sometime around lunch. That wasn’t to say you were sloppy at your job until then, but you stayed on autopilot through the morning and really did your best work between lunchtime and the time you went home. So, needless to say, they were trying to figure out just how in the hell you had managed to get everything done AND managed to sleep enough that you were bouncing off the walls.

The joke was on them though. You hadn’t actually been to sleep yet. Something had to give in all the preparations for the trip and sleep it was.

The previous night, you and Harcourt stayed late at HQ to pack up everything that might be needed on the three-week mission out of state. John and Leota had left on time to do their part of the preparations, which was making sure all of the computers and equipment were properly updated, plus functioning correctly after said updates. The two of you didn’t actually leave HQ until well after 8pm, after which you stopped at a drive thru for dinner on the way home. You started packing after you ate and by the time you’d finished, it was after midnight. Your 2:15am alarm was going off before you even started to feel even slightly tired. So, you slammed back an energy drink, got ready and headed to HQ, making one stop at a convenience store on the way. You knew what everyone liked in the morning drink wise, and no road trip was complete without snacks.

Even with the stop, you ended up arriving at HQ at 3:56am, the first one to get there. While the others started trickling in after you, everyone was dragging ass to varying degrees. Harcourt arrived a few minutes after 4am with Leota and John not too far behind in a shared car. Chris and Adrian had also shared a car and arrived right at 4:30. Everyone had Ubered since no one wanted to leave their cars unattended at HQ for three weeks.

Sometimes being awake for this long would make you feel silly before you really got tired or felt anything else. You were at that stage when Chris and Adrian got there. You had noticed immediately how Adrian looked exhausted and cranky, so you had been trying to cheer him up while helping him load the van. He didn’t say anything else after your brief exchange, and neither did you.

You were the most awake at the moment, even with tiredness starting to creep in, so you took the first shift driving. It was only for two hours, then you could get in a decent nap in before your turn came back around. Harcourt was next on the driving schedule, so she sat up front with you. Everyone else passed out quickly once you had them on the road. When it came time to switch, no one else was awake but you two, so you gently pulled the van off onto the side of the highway to quickly change seats. No one else actually woke up until it was almost John’s turn, so the first four hours was spent in quiet conversation with Emilia.

After a short stop for gas, restrooms, and a breakfast of champions of convenience store food, you all got back on the road. John drove with Leota up front. You settled behind the driver’s seat so you could lean against the wall, and Harcourt retreated to the back for her nap.

Unsurprisingly, Adrian hurried to sit across from you as you all got back in the van. He always sat near you on long trips.

“About earlier,” he said. “I wanted to tell you that I didn’t mean it. Like that! I didn’t mean it like that!” Adrian was turning red and got a horrified look on his face. “I always like seeing your face in the morning. At work! Not in a wake up with you sort of way because we’ve never done that, and I wouldn’t have any reason to think about that. That would be creepy. And why would we be waking up together? That would mean we would have been in bed together. And I haven’t thought about that either. That would be stupid and unrealistic. Good talk.”

Adrian suddenly got up and went to sit at the very back of the van. It sounded like he was muttering to himself.

You looked at Leota, who had swiveled the passenger seat around to stare at Adrian while he was in mid ramble. She looked over at you, eyes wide with the makings of a grin at the corners of her lips.

You couldn’t help but grin as you mouthed, “told ya.”

Since Adrian liked to go around telling everyone he didn’t feel emotions like normal people do, no one really thought he was capable of them. This was just cemented in by the fact that he had no moral qualms whatsoever about killing. But, on the other hand, it was clear he was capable of feeling some strong emotions. He obviously felt them for Chris and, to a slightly lesser degree, for the whole team. No one knew what those emotions were, but they were undeniable.

Then, a couple of months ago, he started making some very odd comments to you.

“Your hair is really messy today and it looks like you just got out of bed.”

Was one of them.

“When you wear dark colors, it really brings out the cool tones in your skin.”

Was another.

It started happening a couple times a day. He’d come up to you, say one of those weird, short little sentences, then hurry off with a red face. It took a couple of weeks, but after thoroughly thinking over each and every one, you finally figured out that he was trying to compliment you. He just didn’t know how.

Adrian Chase was trying to flirt with you.

And so, you started flirting back.

However, you quickly realized you wouldn’t be able to just go all in on flirting with Adrian like you normally would do. The man didn’t even take compliments well.

“Hey, Vig!” you called over to him one day, as he came into HQ with his full uniform and mask on. “You’re looking really great today!”

Adrian had come to a halt so suddenly he ended up stumbling and nearly falling over, causing Eagly to run into him with a “kaw” of surprise. As soon as Adrian had regained this balance, he froze in place.

“Uh, t-thanks?” he finally said, sounding unsure of himself, his normal Vigilante confidence totally gone.

“No need to thank me,” you said, turning back to the Excel files you were updating. “It’s the truth.”

A few days later, another compliment thrown his way while you were having dinner at Fennel Fields resulted in him panicking and backing away from your table so fast, he ran into a waitress and nearly knocked her into the adjacent booth.

That’ll teach you to call Adrian adorable to his face.

While you didn’t think you had been too forward with your normal style of flirting, you were afraid you might scare him off if you came on too strongly again. You toned it down after that. You started easing into it slowly, like you probably should’ve from the very beginning. You started sending smiles his way when you would catch him looking at you, which happened often. This would always make him turn red and look away quickly.

Leota noticed this one day and asked you about it but didn’t believe you when you said he was flirting.

Now, having seen it for herself, she did. She turned back to the road with a cheesy smile on her face and you saw her lean over to talk softly to John. It wouldn’t take long for word to get around, which made you suppress a giggle.

The whole thing embarrassed Adrian enough that he claimed a spot at the back of the van for the next ten hours, only moving when the van stopped for breaks and his turn behind the wheel.

When it came back around to your turn and you hadn’t gotten a nap yet, Harcourt skipped you and took her next turn instead. She wanted everyone to have at least a two-hour nap between their turns. It never came back around to you though, because at hour sixteen on the road, everyone was tired of even looking at each other. John pulled off the highway in Miles City, Montana.

Due to the Eastern Montana Fair going on, some conference at one of the bigger hotels and how late in the evening you all pulled in, the only hotel within the budget only had three rooms, each with two double beds. Once Harcourt and Leota paired up, Chris and John quickly followed suite, and left you and Adrian a room to share.

Everyone realized this all at the same time. Adrian turned bright red, which made you go into a deliriously tired fit of giggles. Harcourt and John exchanged concerned looks. Leota’s eyes were wide, and she was trying not to grin at you. Chris, however, had the biggest grin ever on his face. He eyed Adrian mischievously, then came over to you.

“If Adrian starts to get too annoying, come on over to my room,” Chris elbowed you in the ribs. “The bed is big enough for both of us with extra room to move around, if you know what I mean.”

“Hey!” Adrian exclaimed, turning red again.

“Oh, please god, no,” John groaned. “I just want to fucking sleep.”

“Adrian doesn’t annoy me,” you said, chuckling. “But, even if he did, I think I’m so tired right now I could sleep through a marching band performing in the room.”

Harcourt nodded understandingly then handed you the key. You started to head for the room, but then you started giggling again. You turned back around to look at Adrian. It looked like he was having a hushed, but heated, argument with Chris.

“Hey Adrian,” you called over to him.

Both men turned towards you.

You were too tired to really think about if this was too forward or not.

“Looks like we’ll be waking up to each other in the morning,” you said, a playful smile on your face. “I guess it wasn’t that stupid of an idea after all.”

Adrian blushed the brightest shade of red you have ever seen before you turned away to head for the room.