One of those nights
She thinks. All she does is think. What a curse to have reason and word! And that word never goes away. It stays like permanent ink, like carvings on stone, like fossils on the Earth's soil. The maiden of the castle was allowed to think once and now she won't stop. What she once thought to be a blessing turned into a curse in few months.
"August and it rains… Only my room and the duke's guestroom shine in the darkness and clouds."
For a little while her thoughts allow her to be less serious, to fuss over the weather and her lord's guests. She stumbled upon them in the small dining hall; them eating peacefully-
"Were the nobles holding hands? Oh, how lucky are they to have love in their blue-blooded hearts!"
-her holding dirty dishes to wash. How easily does romance fade out at the stench of half-eaten food… Still, she was happy to have shared a goodnight with them, to have spoken little phrases in their odd languages.
"I wouldn't call me happy."
There it goes; the curse! At the briefest mention of happiness, it goes reminding her she has a half-written suicide letter she doesn't know if she'll finish or not. It is a letter that made her realize how truly unfitting in this world she is. How apologetic she is. How sad. How useless she feels. How her sister was right to point out all these flaws all these years. How she could just maybe give up. Besides, all her life she's tried to become better and somehow ended up being worse.
"When did it start? When did I forget it takes luck to make it in this life, not just hard work?"
She had always believed that if she worked hard she'd be rewarded, she'd get everything she ever wished for. They forgot to tell her she'll start feeling lost, she'll forget to talk to others, and she will be at odds with her family. They forgot to mention that the curse would make her doubt herself at every step, be too decisive one moment and scared or tired the next.
"Have I lost who I am? Am I turning to someone new? Why does it feel like I am just a worse version of myself?"
Her favorite song speaks of the beauty of existence, yet all she's been able to think of -damn that curse- is disappearing. Her sister is right, she is a coward.
"I don't want to cry again."
Crying in a castle is odd. The nobles either pretend they don't see your pain or discreetly ask you days later if you're alright now.
"No."
The maiden seeks comfort in everything and everyone that'll give it to her. A servant boy called her strong the other day.
"I was crying like a baby."
Still, he called her strong. She doubts she is anything good anymore. She tried to kill herself again and her mother is worried.
"How many more times will I almost do it? When will I finally just give up?"
It is one of those nights, yet she must let it pass and sleep. The lord's guests will need her tomorrow early in the morning.
So, this is very much inspired by my current mental state, but I am glad I managed to at least make something creative out of my depression.
The castle photos are mine and the location is Hapimag Chateau de Chabenet. I was listening to the following while writing:
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Reblog the fundraisers you mfs!!!!! I don't know why you all skip those to reblog some pic of a banner saying "FREE PALESTINE" or of news from Columbia University! Literally these people from Gaza have made an account on Tumblr and is writing in english to communicate what they need and you all are coming onto my blog or on the tag and not reblogging their posts. We have people both Palestinian and non Palestinian vetting the fundraisers! I mean more the reblogs, more the chance of the fundraisers gaining momemtum, the more there would be a chance of a donation. Please donate if you can and reblog!!! and follow them if it is possible.
@/mohammedayesh has posted about getting leaflets, telling them to evacuate Rafah. They are very low on funds. Go follow them and reblog their posts and donate if possible.
We have @/haneenatya too whose mother is suffering from eye stroke and need to evacuate. Please I have been following them for some days and it doesn't seem their own posts are getting much attention.
Follow them! They are on tumblr. Reblog their posts and donate. The protests in universities are being done on account of them. They should be our focus.
(EDIT: on re-reading my post it seems as if I am dismissing all that the students of universities are doing. I am not. I just meant, since all of it is to help Palestinians, we must not ignore them when they ask for help).
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Just to be clear, I'm angry at people who have the time and resources to help and choose not to while still performing concern. basically, this doesn't apply to anyone reading this
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love when men cry about body hair bc "it's hygiene" and yet 15% of cis men leave the bathroom without washing their hands at all and an additional 35% only just wet their hands without using soap. that is nearly half of all men. that means statistically you have probably shaken hands with or been in direct contact with one of these people.
love when men say that women "only want money" when it turns out that even in equal-earning homes, women are actually adding caregiver burdens and housework from previous years, whereas men have been expanding leisure time and hobbies. in equal-earning households, men spend an average of 3.5 hours extra in leisure time per week, which is 182 hours per year - a little over a week of paid vacation time that the other partner does not receive. kinda sounds like he wants her money.
love that men have decided women are frail and weak and annoying when we scream in surprise but it turns out it's actually women who are more reliable in an emergency because men need to be convinced to actually take action and respond to the threat. like, actually, for-real: men experience such a strong sense of pride about their pre-supposed abilities that it gets them and their families killed. they are so used to dismissing women that it literally kills them.
love it. told my father this and he said there's lies, damned lies, and statistics. a year ago i tried to get him to evacuate the house during a flash flood. he ignored me and got injured. he has told me, laughing, that he never washes his hands. he has said in the last week that women are just happier when we're cooking or cleaning.
maybe i'm overly nostalgic. but it didn't used to feel so fucking bleak. it used to feel like at least a little shameful to consider women to be sheep. it just feels like the earth is round and we are still having conversations about it being flat - except these conversations are about the most obvious forms of patriarchy. like, we know about this stuff. we've known since well before the 50's.
recently andrew tate tried to justify cheating on his partner as being the "male prerogative." i don't know what the prerogative for the rest of us would be. just sitting at home, watching the slow erosion of our humanity.
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- The best part about France. Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you!
- Oh, my... what a generous God. What could I have possibly done to deserve such gifts?
- Last evening between the stealthy silence of bats flying and the annoying buzz of summer mosquitos, I heard of your pleads. I created this life of yours you wish to end. I wish not for my creations to have premature death. So, tell me what it is you want in this land I found you in. Is it the Eifel Tower or the Louvre that you want? How about the French country? The flower fields and castles scattered all over them, waiting for you to discover them. No, not that either... Oh, I know! The wine, of course. The fact that ordering wine is like ordering water here. I shall give you all the wine of this vast land.
- Sitting alone in a busy restaurant at noon with a cheese platter, thee conversations you barely understand all around you, blending into a cacophony of everyday life... Give me this, please. I don't want the wine.
-How can you choose something so mundane? I offered you the nectar of Europe!
- I don't need this nectar, my generous God. Wine is what people drink to forget they exist. And all the rest you offered -the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the châteaux- are but the remains of beauty, the remains of those that lived and died. I don't need a reminder of death. I need a reason to live. And all these strangers and their loud converstations give me life.
- But...but you are alone amongst them. Isn't a solitude a reason to die?
- Perhaps. Or a reason to think, a reason to write, a reason to simply be without anyone imposing their will, thoughts, feelings, being upon you, not with their hate nor with their love.
- Do you not need love to live, my young creation?
- I do not know, my god. I only know that when I have it, it consumes me, it changes me, it brings chaos and pressure and vicious cycles. So, at the moment I need food in my belly and solitute amongst the crowd.
- Yet, is this enough for you to LIVE?
- It is enough for me to not die.
So...yeah, my depressing thoughts and relationship with my family are becoming worse by the day, but still I don't want to go offline completely. I want to, at least, keep hanging on to my writting. At this point, it feels like one of the very few things left that connect me to the world.
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For the Laicion nation (aka, me and three other people)
I had this illustration commissioned (a big thank you to @lunehowls) for my werewolf AU Laicion fic (still a WIP).
The general pitch is as follows :
AU in which Laios never got to meet his sister again, putting his life on a whole other path, a more desperate one. A military deserter with barely a coin to his name, Laios hitches a ride on a boat to one of the elven continents, where he learns about magical tattoos that binds one’s soul to a wolf’s, effectively making them artificial werewolves. Illegal magic be damned, this feels like the answer to… everything.
In the process, he learns about the existence of an illegal fighting ring in one of the elven cities, where beastmen gladiators gather. Freshly tattooed and without anywhere else to go to, Laios decides to head there, where he meets Lycion, an elf and artificial werewolf gladiator. If they first bond over a simple shared meal, by spending time together (sharing the same room in the barracks, maybe the same bed? gasp) they find that they have a lot in common, notably a shared distaste for the body they were born in, a dysphoria partially remedied by becoming a werewolf.
They bond :)
NB: I commissioned another piece, go take a look :D
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