#ps edited so it is more clear where “half” of men is coming from:

[inkskinned]

love when men cry about body hair bc "it's hygiene" and yet 15% of cis men leave the bathroom without washing their hands at all and an additional 35% only just wet their hands without using soap. that is nearly half of all men. that means statistically you have probably shaken hands with or been in direct contact with one of these people.

love when men say that women "only want money" when it turns out that even in equal-earning homes, women are actually adding caregiver burdens and housework from previous years, whereas men have been expanding leisure time and hobbies. in equal-earning households, men spend an average of 3.5 hours extra in leisure time per week, which is 182 hours per year - a little over a week of paid vacation time that the other partner does not receive. kinda sounds like he wants her money.

love that men have decided women are frail and weak and annoying when we scream in surprise but it turns out it's actually women who are more reliable in an emergency because men need to be convinced to actually take action and respond to the threat. like, actually, for-real: men experience such a strong sense of pride about their pre-supposed abilities that it gets them and their families killed. they are so used to dismissing women that it literally kills them.

love it. told my father this and he said there's lies, damned lies, and statistics. a year ago i tried to get him to evacuate the house during a flash flood. he ignored me and got injured. he has told me, laughing, that he never washes his hands. he has said in the last week that women are just happier when we're cooking or cleaning.

maybe i'm overly nostalgic. but it didn't used to feel so fucking bleak. it used to feel like at least a little shameful to consider women to be sheep. it just feels like the earth is round and we are still having conversations about it being flat - except these conversations are about the most obvious forms of patriarchy. like, we know about this stuff. we've known since well before the 50's.

recently andrew tate tried to justify cheating on his partner as being the "male prerogative." i don't know what the prerogative for the rest of us would be. just sitting at home, watching the slow erosion of our humanity.

[daisiesonafield-blog]

hi this is to the conversation about harry's sexuality. you guys seem to insist that harry is gay but there are slight complications that i have to clear out. what about harry liking that porn tweet back in 2014 and then saying ''so the weather"? and him liking other posts of half nudes of female models

Hi dear,

I think it's natural for everyone to explore and be curious about sex, and a gay guy looking at porn that involves women doesn't automatically make him straight. The same way that a straight person looking at gay porn is not automatically gay. We're all curious about sex, and have or will look at things at some point in our lives simply because of that. That's natural and all a part of figuring out who we are and what we may or may not like.

I've spoken about this before here, so I'm including an edited version here bc I think it fits:

I know plenty of gay men who appreciate the beauty of women and follow such accounts. I also know plenty of straight women who follow a bunch of insta models on IG - are we second guessing their sexual orientation for it? No. A lot of straight women look at "lesbian porn" or "gay porn" too - that doesn't change their sexuality.

There are so many reasons why he may have liked this or followed models who are women. To immediately conclude that he can’t possibly be gay because he follows models on IG or liked this tweet is so narrow minded and lacks any sort of critical thought. It also ignores the years and years of other instances where Harry has shown over and over again that his interest in women is not romantic or sexual. Or how he has shown over and over that his interest in men is romantic and sexual. It ignores several instances where he’s shown how he identifies with gay men’s culture pretty heavily.

Not to mention it completely erases the possibility that those things are related to his own gender exploration and sexuality exploration. He's been quite straightforward in saying that these are things he worked through, and to dismiss what he's said and shown us is a disservice to his art and who he is today.

Sexuality and gender are extremely complex and quite fluid. No one has it all figured out from the get-go. They're also not rigid, and it's normal to explore - however that may look like. IG follows, or tweet likes mean very little when put into the context of what we’ve seen from Harry for the past 11 years. Harry at 20 years old knew himself far less than Harry at 27 years old. And we've gotten to see little bits of his growth and self exploration throughout this time.

He can be whatever it is he wants to be. And until he officially comes out and says something about it, we won't know for 100% sure. He's the one who knows that. We can observe him and what he chooses to share with us, and form an opinion based on that. But ignoring all of his signaling and coding is willful ignorance. As is ignoring the limitations he is under, both from society and his industry.

At the end of the day, he's made clear, especially recently, that he's set out to "dispel the myth of a binary existence". So, whoever he is, I'll be there for him, whether he explicitly shares a label or not.

You can check any of my tags below to see some of my thoughts on this topic (tags on this original post and thru my blog, not reblogs).

PS: I didn't really touch on this, but it's also normal to change how you identify as you grow and explore. So while he may have at some point identified with a certain label, it's normal if that has changed, sometimes more than once. This applies to anyone reading this too who may be questioning/exploring :)

EDIT: context for the liked tweet here.

[meetmymouth]

prompt 23 would be so cute :)

hope you enjoy!!!! pls don't forget to reblog if you read and enjoyed it :-) ps i haven't proofread this so if you spot any weird mistakes... don't! will edit later x

#23 "Dance with me"

You sigh into your drink before taking another sip, eyes still darting from as you search for him. You make eye contact and as soon as you get that blinding smile of his, your eyes fall to his body, his outfit, and you can't help but admire the tattoos peeking out from where he got one hand in his pocket.

Men are surrounding him, loud cackles and hollers going around as they throw their hands in the air while they presumably talk about something interesting and exciting. Each with a fancy drink in hand, the circle Harry's part of at the minute seems cold and unfamiliar to you. Thus, you find yourself turning away from Harry, finding Shannon and Brian in deep conversation. As soon as Shannon feels your gaze on them, she looks up at you with a smile, and squeezes your thigh, including you in their conversation.

It was hard, acting like you didn't know him or more like– you didn't know him. Details from his tea preference to the pain killers he used when his back hurt, how his lips looked so plump and big upon waking up, or the freckle on his armpit, or the sounds he made in bed, his favourite position, how he liked to be kissed and held.

Harry was newly single. You always said you met him in the right time, four months ago, when he crashed into your car on Oxford Street, leaving a massive dent on your car. As you spent time with him, you realised the dent he left on your car was blossoming somewhere deep inside you, and you thought he did such brilliant job filling said dent with him, his time, his kisses and touches.

You liked him. Perhaps, way more than he liked you.

He wanted you to keep you under the wraps. He said he didn't want people to scrutinise you both, and how he wanted to take things slow, do everything you both wanted to do and have fun together which wasn't the case–according to him–for his previous relationship. So you kept it secret.

"Look at Gigi, trying to chat Harry up again," Shannon mutters from beside you, drink half-empty as she looks Gigi up and down.

See, it was also not fun working with your secret boyfriend. Was he really a boyfriend?

"Whatever. This is so boring. It's just men boosting about their promotions and trying to flirt with women because apparently it's different when they're drunk and outside of work."

Brian lets out a snort, and you cringe, sending him a shy smile. "Soz, Bri. I know they're your mates."

"No worries. They are a crazy bunch, aren't they? I'll go get another drink," he stands up, and takes Shannon's now-empty drink from her hands. He turns to you, "want another drink?"

"No, I'm good, thanks."

"All right. See ya in a bit, ladies."

You both watch the brunette walk away, passing Harry and his crew but not before he gives Harry's shoulder a squeeze while you watch. Harry perks up at the touch, then turns his face to you once again, a private smile being sent your way though you can't help but look down at your drink, ignoring the butterflies in your stomach.

The night starts to die down and people begin leaving, leaving behind a couple of drunk people and either their partners or people who seem to be holding onto the night for their dear lives for some ridiculous reason.

You're by the bar, sipping yet another Margarita as Harry approaches you, his smile polite and one he gives to nearly everyone at work.

"Hey, you," he says, fingers running through his messy hair as he places his drink on the counter. "You good?"

"Yeah. Shannon's puking her guts out in the toilets so I'm just waiting for her."

Harry purses his lips. "Good to know... you don't want to be holding her hair back?" He smirks, and places his hand close to yours where it's holding the glass from the stem. "You look beautiful."

Something ignites inside you and you suddenly feel angry.

"Thanks, I'm surprised you even looked at me tonight."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," you shrug, and take another sip of your drink. It's warm now. "Nothing at all."

He leans closer to you. "What's going on? Did I do something?"

"Hah. That's kinda the point. You didn't do anything."

With brows furrowed, he comes closer to you. "Sounds like you've something to say. Just say it."

"I just did. I'm sick of this. Sick of being a secret," you gulp when he tilts his head. "Sick of watching people flirt with you from afar... I'm just fucking done. Are you like embarrassed of me?"

"Baby, what? What brought this on?"

You let out a bitter chuckle, and look behind him to see if Shannon's anywhere to be found. She's not.

"I'm not eighteen, Harry. I don't like this– this whole secret relationship thing. I want to be able to hug my boyfriend in public, hell– even talk to him instead of watching him from afar! This is not high school. I'm done playing this hiding game. You either have me, or you don't."

Harry clears his throat, and brings his hand to your thigh, squeezing briefly before he travels it all the way up to your neck. He rests his warm fingertips on the side of your neck, thumb stroking your damp neck before he leans in and presses his forehead to yours.

For the first time, neither of you look around to see if anyone's watching. Instead, you find yourself extremely overwhelmed as you close your eyes, and listen to his breathing.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, lips almost brushing together when he speaks. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid, I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

You open your eyes, though his gaze is on your lips, which makes your heart beat a little bit faster than it already was a minute before.

"I just want you, Harry," you say with a shake of your head. "I want you."

"I want you too. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry sweetheart," he pulls away, and grabs your hand.

You feel yourself sober up at the touch. "What are you doing?"

"Dance with me."

He helps you off the barstool, though you can't help but frown at the request.

"You're crazy, I'm not dancing with you, here," you squeeze his hand, hoping he would give up, but he answers with a smirk as he shakes his head.

"Come on."

"I'm not doing the whole silent dance thing. Where the girl goes 'there's no music playing' as the guy gives her a cringe smile–"

He places one hand on her waist as the other stays in hers, hips already starting to sway. "–Have I ever told you how much you ramble when nervous?"

"I can't believe you."

"I like you," he whispers into your neck as he keeps swaying you slowly, and you can't help but close your eyes and tilt your head a little so he has more space to work with. "I like you so much, it's terrifying," he mumbles this time, words muffled. "I'm sorry I was an idiot. I hope you can forgive me."

"Yeah, well... if you keep kissing my neck like that..."

Someone clears their throat behind you, and you both pause the swaying for a second before Harry lets out a chuckle, and hides his face into your neck. Though, he still turns you guys around to face the intruder, and it's Shannon. Of course it is. With her brown curls messy and face looking incredibly dull, she looks like she's just seen a ghost.

"Hey," Harry looks up at her, hand still in yours. "You feeling any better?"

[selinakidreams]

pairing: merman! dabi x gn reader

warnings: nameless character deaths, a singular mention of nausea + throwing up, unfortunately a lot of blood mentions, near death experiences, SHARK! THERES A SHARK IN THE WATER ! (I SWEAR this is supposed to be pretty but the warnings make it seem otherwise) slight soulmate au?, dabi had a SINGULAR moment of softness.

a/n: guys I don’t even know what this is and it’s unedited,, but welcome to my contribution to mermay ! I had two scenes plain as day STUCK in my head and I just needed to get them out,,, honestly this was just supposed to be a short lil thing but I’m invested,, so here this is

ps, though this may not be edited... I would like to thank all my monster fucking moots who helped me to piece together the perfect mer version of dabi— I love you guys so so so much.

looking out into the darkness of the night, unable to locate the horizon from your position at the edge of the ship- you lift your gaze to the sky with a small sigh.

an unimaginable amount of stars litter the atmosphere, the clear view above could never be tiresome.

the city was no place for you; too crowded, full of men who were trying to court you for your fathers money and your beauty, not enough adventure. the ocean offered a type of freedom land could never- granted, the ship wasn’t much different from the bustling towns in the sense that all the soldiers would eye you like you’re a slab of meat.

the only difference given at sea is that you’re able to put those undesirable fuckers in their place. given your ranking, your power obsessed father wasn’t completely useless.

escaping to the empty deck had been your big feat today; everyone below was gulping down wine by the barrel when you managed to slip out. it was much colder out here, the chill of the salty wind was refreshing, sobering you up quite a bit- but still mentally fuzzy enough to tempt yourself into discarding edict and loosening up your tighter garments.

your drunken attention span shifted from fiddling with your bow in the back to the inky deep water...

what was that?

ripples were quietly dancing on the surface, the warm light reflections coming from the ship’s sconces moved along with them.

it had been really fast, so fast that you were almost left to wonder if you had actually imagined the most vibrant blue eyes you had ever seen... bobbing in the ocean.

two days. it had been two days since you had first “spotted” them and absolutely nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. the sailors still went about uglily gawking at you, your captain of a father was still behind the wheel, barking orders at everyone, while you went about your business. Sighing, the image of the eyes still fresh in your mind, you prepared to be lowered into the shallower sea.

upon hearing that there was a small island not too far from your current coordinates, you commanded a stop be made, needing to take some time away from the close knit quarters you constantly share with those horrific pigs. thankfully, no arguments surfaced and you headed straight for the dinghy. it had been surprisingly easy.

the trip wasn’t too long; you patiently waited for the tip of the boat to breach the soft sand, excited for what awaited you. it was such a lovely sunny day, big puffy white clouds dotted the expansive blue sky while the palm trees at the base of the beach greeted you with a steady sway.

once your boots sunk into the wet sand, you turned to the two other men who had escorted you and informed them that you were not to be followed- but to wait right there- which in retrospect, was not a good idea. that was too much trust and responsibility that was placed in their incapable hands.

you wasted no time trudging through the lush greenery to get to the other side of the island, wanting to be as far away from the crew members as possible. 

it couldn’t have taken you more than two hours for you to reach an elaborate array of tide pools sporadically placed on a flat uneven rocky surface, some being lapped over by waves while others sat calmly- living in their own little world.

you had to look in each and every one of them.

wide eyes and mouth open, looking at all the lives in the crystal clear pools was an absolute marvel. some only held a few small sea anemones of different colors while others not only held the soft flowery plant but also housed fighting crabs of all sizes, large chunky starfish, and even a fish or two!

you took careful steps towards the end of the rocks, towards the ones where the waves were constantly restocking the pools with new life, your heart flipping in your chest at the colors of the crashing waves.

peering down into one of the deeper ones, you found it hard to take your sights away from the glistening sun streaks that cut through the water; a small gateway to the open ocean was at the bottom of this pool. it’s like you were hypnotized. making yourself comfortable, you laid yourself down next to the glistening water and began to break the calm surface with your finger tips, eyes trained on the tiny ripples.

“they left you, you know.”

you felt so at ease with the sound of the waves crashing around you, you almost didn’t hear it. it wasn’t until the nagging feeling that you weren’t alone hugged you in all the wrong places, that you looked up... only to be met with nothing.

scrunching your brow, the tranquility you were feeling before suddenly slipping through your fingers. you sat up, but not before you held a lingering glance at the glowing water once more. that’s an image that will stay in your mind; you almost wish you had your sketch book.

your mind went blank when you saw something block the light as it swam by... something big. the next few minutes happened in a blur. after scrambling up to get away from the pool, a huge body washed up on a nearby rock plateau and by no means was it graceful. your heart dropped to your stomach as you watched the lifeless body get smacked with harsh waves.

he was wearing your ship’s uniform, now drenched in blood.

nothing came up when you fell on your knees and lurched over, your eyes squeezing shut- the gruesome image of the crew member engrained in your mind.

“they got what they deserved.”

this time when you whipped your head up to follow the velvet voice, you fell into an almost trance. those breathtaking turquoise eyes you had seen a few days ago were now staring right at you, not too far away.

you couldn’t help the gasp that you inhaled as you fell back. looking at him in his entirety- you must have been hallucinating. growing up hearing the tales of deep sea monsters and nasty magical land creatures could never have prepared you for what laid in front of you.

it was such a drastic change; going from looking at something so appalling to something so... flawless... it was indescribable.

on display, your eyes followed the curled figure- wet white hair flopped against a pale forehead, the tips of his pointed finned-ears peaking out from the wet hair. there were deep dark purple markings starting underneath his eyes, slightly mimicking bags that then restarted at the bottom half of his face- all the way down his neck, ending at just the top of his chest. the markings then continued down his arms, right up to his knuckles contrasting the pale thin slightly webbed fingers that merged to sharp claws, gleaming in the sun. his toned chest eased into a pearly type of color around his hips before submerging into a black ragged tail- but it did the strangest thing. when the sun reflected off of it, a blue so royal- that you’ve only seen it on the most expensive of garments- came to life. the dorsal fin looked just as rugged as the tail did, but his odyssey fluke was splayed out so beautifully, you didn’t give it a second thought.

it wasn’t until you took a second glance that you noticed there was a red tint to his claws that you put into context what was said earlier.

“did you- di- you killed that man?”

his voice came out as smooth as silk, “I did.”

how could you be so dense? this was a creature that came from the sea- a ruthless underwater world. he was a predator. but wait-

“you can speak- you s-said.. did you kill them for me? are you going to-?”

“I killed those men because of all humans, the ones who betray others for their own greed serve no purpose.”

he didn’t tell you more than necessary in his opinion, but he was smart enough and old enough to know that you’re still going to ask more.

it seemed you were sitting on quite the pile of questions but he wasn’t going to be the one to break the silence. it was clear that you were mulling over what should be said first.

“was it you I saw at sea the other night?”

out of all the things you could ask, that was the only thing your mind had on repeat- the only thought present.

“and if it was?”

after receiving two similar vague reactions, something in you was screaming for something to happen. the interaction seemed to be going nowhere and here you were, in front of a creature that you’ve heard so much about but never actually met- a drastic change in interaction was calling, and who were you to ignore it?

in hindsight, it was a terrible idea.

one minute you were on land, next you were shedding your heavy, restrictive clothing- the mer watching with a slight smirk and a heavy gaze- then seconds later, were in the violent push and pull of the ocean. luckily you were far enough to be out of the rocky reach, but the current was too strong. you were being swayed back and forth with too much force.

if it had been your first time in the ocean, you would have been a goner- you would have washed right into the sharp jagged edges; a terribly painful way to go. but thankfully, flowing with the ocean had been your specialty since you were young. incredibly masculine and dirty, but you simply couldn’t stay away. the watery depths have lured you in and there was no escaping the spell it had casted on you all those years ago.

maybe that’s why you dove in. or maybe you wanted to see what the mer would do. whatever the case, there you were in the lull of the tide and running out of air. breaching the surface was your main goal, urging your arms and legs to snap out of the shock of the cold water.

eyes on the bubbles traveling upwards, you finally get your arms to push through the current almost missing the dark shadow swimming closer and closer to you, getting larger and larger.

a quick sideways glance in the clear water showed something large with many many rows of teeth out on display, heading toward you and gaining momentum.

a shark.

a... shark.

of all the ways you possibly thought you could go... this was not one of them. it’s almost ironic- the one way you thought you wouldn’t go would end up getting you.

breaking the surface, you gulp your last breath of air- painfully waiting for the horrifying moment when powerful jaws clamp around your body... but it never came. all you felt was a strong current zip past your feet, slightly pulling you along with it.

you’re heart was pounding; adrenaline coursing through your veins, breathing choppy as you whip your head in every which way to see what was going on in the water beneath you. then you saw it.

blood.

just then, the gory image of the crewmate’s body flashed into your mind. there had been another sailor... the mermaid didn’t pull up two bodies- he wasn’t the only predator in the water.

before you could evaluate further, you were pulled by the ankle under the water and into a place where the blood hadn’t seeped yet.

not enough air was sucked in before you submerged, so you frantically searched for ways you could reach the surface again- not even thinking about the now-absent steady grip that dragged you under.

then you felt it. pointed claws lightly tracing up your sides before his handsome face was leveled with yours. if seeing him on land wasn’t good enough, seeing him in his element was nearly heart stopping.

but your lungs were going to collapse before your heart could-

or so you thought.

he flattened his palm around your waist, cupping it gently before he inched his face toward yours, lips slightly ghosting yours, as if asking for permission.

with his toned body pressed against yours, it was hard to think straight, but the most prominent siren going off in your mind was the fact that you were loosing oxygen, and quickly. you found yourself panicking in his grip. was this really the time?

his lips were on yours in less than a second, your struggling becoming more and more apparent- but it was when he got your mouth to open that you realized what he was doing.

A mermaid’s kiss gives you the eternal breath; the ability to breathe under water.

pulling away, he watched as your eyes went wide, the small smirk you’d seen before had appeared once more.

the sensation was otherworldly; though there was a heavy pressure in your chest as the water was filtering in and out of your system, you were breathing underwater.

slowed down by the new density, you lifted your head to look up at the mer- no doubt the most excited and bewildered expression on your face, just to realize the size difference. he was huge- how had you not noticed this on land?

the more human half of his body had to be around the six foot range, his muscular tail roughly adding another ten. the massive figure floating around you was... beautiful.

he had the softest gaze when looking down at you, it nearly shocked you more that the new incredible ability had. he didn’t seem like the type to be full of expressions; it was such a warm and familiar look, something that you hadn’t seen in a long time- and one you typically didn’t see on a stranger’s face, much less a merman you had only just met.

opening your mouth to say something-if you could, that is- his expression changed in a blink, fear now contorted his features.

everything was so fast with him; his arm wrapped around your waist in mere seconds before speedily guiding you through a passage of underwater tunnels that lead to somewhere you assumed to be in the middle of the island- a lush green grotto.

once you resurfaced, you inhaled a breath you didn’t realize you needed; the new air burned your lungs- you almost didn’t want to breathe.

“just keep breathing. it will get easier over time.”

he almost sounded... bored? a complete one 180 to what you had just witnessed in the water.

the mer guided you up to the pool’s edge, lifting you with ease until you sat with only your legs dangling in the water.

outwardly, it stayed quiet for a while. there wasn’t much noise around besides the occasional bird call and the delicate sound of waded water.

your breathing had slightly evened out but you weren’t too confident in your voice, so keeping your mouth shut seemed like the best option.

what now?

tag list: @zhongh-li

[buckybarnesthehotshot]

Just Business 2 (Mob! Bucky Barnes x Mob! Reader)

main masterlist 

 summary: mob! reader plays a game and bucky plays along 

word count: 1199

warnings: some violence, guns, death, someone gets shot, blood? this isn’t edited

A/N: I literally had no idea where this was going while I was writing it-

       Bucky should have been worried about the gun pointed at him, but he was more concerned over the fact that his fiancé was the boss of his top rival. Y/N, his sweet delicate Y/N, was in the same business he was in?

       “Why?” was all he managed to croak out as he loosened his grip on the handgun. Y/N chuckled quietly knowing she’d accomplished her goal.

       “Why’d I buy half the police force? For the same reason you did; I need protection,” Y/N smirked, wiping away remnants of tears with her f/c sweater sleeve.

       “Why didn’t you tell me you were in this business,” he spoke, his eyes still struck with shock as he still tried to stomach the new information he was presented with.

       “Why would I? I don’t need your resources nor do I need your help. What good is giving up a secret when I won’t even benefit from telling? I already run half the city, Barnes,” Y/N chuckled proudly. Along with her company, she also fought to grow her mob.

       Yes, she knew she was dabbling in illegal business, but did she care? No, running the mob gave her a rush of adrenaline.

       “You’re in the wrong business if you don’t crave power,” Bucky whispered as he slowly approached her, his weapon disregarded to the floor. Y/N didn’t budge. She still had her gun pointed at him as he moved closer and closer to her.

       “I didn’t say I don’t crave power. I don’t need your resources either, you lying prick,” Y/N rolled her eyes in annoyance bringing her gun closer to Bucky. He knew he playing a dangerous game yet his curiosity bested him as he wanted to see more of this side of Y/N.

       “I didn’t lie to you. Every word, it was all true,” he whispered getting so close to her that her gun was now resting on his temple. He could feel every jagged breath she took on his skin. She was so sure with her actions yet she seemed so unsure with her emotions.

       “Yes, because everyone takes advantage of the same people they say ‘I love you’ to,” Y/N chuckled, her lips curling into what looked like a smile disguised as a frown.

       “I wanted to tell you, doll. When I put that ring around your finger, I knew I had to tell you soon,” Bucky chuckled, his eyes fixated on the stoned gold band around her ring finger.

       “This? It was all an empty promise, Barnes,” Y/N scoffed, glaring at the gold band. However, something in her told her to keep the band around her finger. She wanted to tear it off her finger and throw it out the window but she couldn’t. It all felt wrong for some reason.

       “It was never an empty promise, doll,” he tried to place his hand on her cheek and she didn’t flinch or pull away. Instead, she slapped it away with the hand she held the gun in, making Bucky curse under his breath.

       “Don’t touch me,” she scoffed, backing away a little from Bucky as she felt uncomfortable with the proximity. He frowned. He wanted nothing more for his hand to brush against her soft skin; he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms as their frustrations with each other melted away.

       “I’m sorry, Y/N. You’re in the same business. You should understand why I did it,” Bucky sighed, rubbing his hand against his temples as though to relieve himself of a headache.

       “Actually, I don’t. Unlike you, I don’t like playing with people’s emotions. A little threat here and there, y’know?” she bit her tongue to stop the tears from spilling from her eyes yet again.

       “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you the way I did,” Bucky admitted, finally drawing the tears from Y/N’s eyes once more. With his guilt eating away at him, he went to her to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks only to feel a sharp pain go through his leg.

       He stared at her hardened features in disbelief. She shot him!

       “You’re full of surprises today, doll,” Bucky chuckled as he winced, slowly bending down to reach the floor once more.

       “I’ve been told I’m lots of fun at parties,” Y/N mocked him, a smile finding its way to her face. He knew she wanted to hurt him before he could be forgiven. Based off the smile on her face, was he forgiven?

       “How’d you find out about this?” Bucky questioned, staring up at her as he applied pressure to his gunshot wound.

       “The FBI’s putting you under investigation. They managed to nab one of your men and they were questioned about me. Of course, he spilled about your intentions then my operative reported back to me. Funny, huh?” Y/N rolled her eyes in annoyance. Not only did he put her under investigation, but the investigation itself is what led to her finding out about him using her.

       “I’m under investigation? How?” Bucky was dumbfounded. He certainly wasn’t expecting to hear those words from Y/N. He was sure he’d been careful with how he conducted business.

       “Mobster to mobster, if you’re leaving a trail of bodies, don’t let them lead to yourself,” Y/N scoffed knowing damn well he’d left loose ends to his work.

       “That’s coming from the woman who’s letting me bleed out on her carpet,” Bucky chuckled silently to himself.

       “I have a cleaning crew on their way. They’re just another gunshot away,” Y/N grinned proudly. Bucky didn’t know if he was terrified or turned on.

       “You won’t kill me,” Bucky scoffed proudly. Well, he wasn’t exactly sure about that. Judging by the bullet in his leg, anyone would know he was going to die at Y/N’s hands soon. However, he was a mobster and he knew better. She didn’t want him dead. She wanted him to suffer.

       “No, but I’ll kill them,” as if on a cue, two uniformed men burst through the door of her home as she redirected her aim from Bucky to both men, shooting them down successfully. Bucky’s mouth opened in shock and confusion. How did she know the FBI were on their way?

       “Damn,” he mumbled earning a chuckle from Y/N. Although her intentions weren’t quite clear, he felt somewhat safe with her around.

       “I have a few moles in the FBI. They’ll tell the other investigators these two managed to hit you before you shot them down completely and that I’m on a business trip in California now let’s go before they send backup,” Y/N spoke so calmly, making Bucky wonder what exactly it was going on in her head as she guided him out the front door and into a tinted black van where her driver had been waiting for them.

       “Why are you helping me?” Bucky croaked out as she began attending to her bullet wound. He wasn’t quite sure what her intentions were but he was grateful to know she was still there for him. 

       “You were right, James. I crave power and all this? It’s just business,” Y/N winked as the driver took off, successfully taking them out of the crime scene.

people I assume wanted to be tagged for part 2 (ps: sorry if this wasn’t what you were expecting): @whatinthyworld​ / @yayrainday​ @m-blasterrr​ @cchiffoncake​

[noonaduck]

SeXd (sex ed) pt.7

Pairing: BTS OT7 x reader genre: Fluff,smut, non idol Au Warnings: cursing, fingering, oral (female receiving), sexsexsex Words: 5518 A/N: Helloo, its finally here. I rewrote the whole 2nd half of the part so it took twice as long as it would without me doing it. I had to change the whole plot points because I felt so unhappy. I hope you enjoy the results. PS. short reminder for new readers that English aint my 1st language and plus to that I have mild dyslexia so errors may and will occur despite my editing. Summaray: Y/N is a woman who is inexperienced in anything when it comes to relationships and sex. Luckily her friend Jimin along with his six other friends decide to show her what she has been missing.

Msg me or send ask if you want to be tagged. I won’t tag you if you ask in comments. 6. < 7. > 8. 2nd Bonus

[gifs belongs to their rightful owners ] You were sure that Jimin was avoiding you. At first you had dismissed your thought as Jimin being busy now when his musical was on full speed.  That being the reason why he was always leaving the room when you entered or how he only replied shortly to your messages. When you saw him to do full 180 degree turn when he saw you on theater hallway you knew that he did it on purpose. You were furious, you haven't give any reason for him to act on that way. You have talked to him like you normally do and greeted him every time you walked past him on the hallways. You decide to follow Jimin despite the fact he was going to whole different direction where you were originally heading.

''Park Jimin stop right there!'' You jell while stomping after him. Jimin's movements halts and he freezes like a little kid who has been caught from a cookie jar. Jimin spins around and smiles awkwardly. ''Oh, hi Y/N, I didn't notice you.'' ''You are such a liar Jimin.'' You huff when you stop in front of him. You have crossed your arms and if look could kill Jimin would be dead by now. ''I don't know what you are imp-'' ''Don't you fucking dare to say that you don't know what I'm talking about.'' You tell angrily. Couple of your co-workers walks past of you and glances you curiously. Jimin glares them and they turn their heads towards the direction where they are headed hurrying their steps. ''Fine, but not here, follow me.'' Jimin begans walking without waiting for you to follow. Even when you are angry you can't deny the fact that seeing Jimin's butt in his tight skinny jeans doesn't affect you. Focus Y/N, you are mad. You shake your thoughts and hurry after him before he completely disappears from your sight. Jimin stops dramatically in front of random door and waves you to step in with mocking bow. You roll your eyes to his gesture and look around in the spacious room. There is racks full of clothes and more clothes. You are in the storage room where costumes that aren't in use are kept. Jimin closes the door after him and you are left alone into the dusty room, you can even see how the dust particles dance on the dim light. ''Now, can you tell me why you have been avoiding me?'' You ask impatiently. Jimin sighs and rubs his temple. ''It's complicated.'' ''Complicated how? Nothing has changed as far I can recall.'' You are confused and Jimin's distressed face doesn't make things easier to understand. Jimin's face falls suddenly blank and he looks to your eyes without blinking. ''I never thought that you would be such a slut Y/N.'' You feel like all the air is left your lungs and you gawk Jimin with wide eyes. ''A sl-slut?'' ''Yes, I never thought that you would willingly have sex with my every fucking friend.'' Jimin's voice gets louder and you feel like you are turning smaller under his heated gaze. ''Bu-but it was your idea that I should take lessons from your friends.'' You say with shaky voice and bite your lip from keeping you from crying. ''I know and I regret it. I never thought that you would actually follow the plan.'' Jimin chuckles darkly and takes one step closer to you. ''I have started to think that you are only my friend so you can hoe around with my friends.'' Hid voice is low again when he lowers himself to your level. ''I m, I was your friend because you were first person to show kindness towards me when I first moved here. Besides I didn't even know your friends before you introduced them for me.'' With that being said you storm out of the room while tears kept falling freely from your eyes.You run out of your workplace leaving all your belongings behind. You don't know how long you have been wandering and crying when you feel wave of exhaustion to hit you with full force. You fall on your knees on sidewalk while small hiccups leaves your lips. People walk past you whispering to each other and giving few stares, but no one stops to help at first. ''Y/N, is that you?'' Familiar voice asks and someone kneels in front of you. ''Mummy, why she is crying? Is she hurt?'' A small voice of child asks beside of the person. You look up and see worried looking Jisoo with a little girl, who you assume to be her daughter. The small girl has dark hair on two piggy tails, her face is chubby and his big brown eyes are widened in worry. ''I don't know sweetie, I'm trying to figure it out. Y/N? Can you stand? Are you okay?''Jisoo asks and smiles gently. Only few sobs leave your lips when you take her offered hand. You get up and try to smile to Jisoo but your smile is quick to turn into frown. ''Jisoo!'' You sob and hang yourself on her neck. ''Shh, it's okay. Can you tell me whats wrong?''Jisoo asks while petting your hair. You shake your head on her embrace. Suddenly you feel other pair of smaller hands tied around you. ''Pretty lady don't cry. Mummy says that big girls are strong and brave.'' Jisoo's daughters childlike wisdom is something that you need at the moment. You finally pull away from them. ''Thank you both.'' You tell whit raspy voice from crying. ''How about we go to cafe and drink something  to calm down.'' Jisoo suggest and you nod. ''I wan't ice cream.'' The little girl cheers. ''Haru, you already ate some yesterday.'' Jisoo tells while you begun walk slowly towards nearest coffee shop. ''That was yesterday, now is now.'' Haru pouts. ''Fine, let me think about it.'' Jisoo sighs given up. ''Yay! Ice cream!'' ~ You sit on booth with Haru while Jisoo orders for you. You feel quite awkward under the four-year-old's stare. You are glad when Jisoo arrives quickly carrying platter full of treats. She has small dose of ice cream on glass cup, two slices of wet chocolate cake, juice box for Haru and coffee for her and soda for you. You smile gratefully when she puts the piece of cake in front of you. Haru cheers and goes straight for her ice cream. You are jealous, children are so easy to please. ''Can you now tell me what is bothering you?'' Jisoo asks and takes careful sip from her hot drink. ''I had big fight with my friend.'' You admit and play with your little spoon. ''Who was the jerk who dared to hurt my Y/N?'' Jin slides dramtically next to you on the booth and takes you on tight embrace. ''I texted Jin.'' Jisoo tells apologetically for your confused face. ''Jin oppa!'' Haru cheers loudly and forgets her ice cream for a second. Jin finally lets you breathe and takes his hands away around you.'' Hi pumpkin, I missed you too.'' Jin smiles for the little girl. Jin is still wearing his work uniform, even his lab coat is on his shoulders. ''Do you want some of my ice cream?'' Haru asks and offers her spoon towards Jin. ''No thanks, I just ate.'' Jin assures and Haru shrugs her shoulders and returns happily to her dessert. ''So who was the bastard who made you cry?'' Jin lowers his voice around the little girl. You take big gulp and put the spoon on the table. ''Jimin.'' You admit bluntly. ''Jimin?'' Jin asks with high note and Haru glances towards your together pushed heads curiously. Jin remembers where he is and lowers his voice again. ''What did he do?'' ''I don't really want to talk about it, at least not here.'' You tell awkwardly. Jin looks you with impatient eyes but finally sighs. ''Fine, when we are alone, we will talk.'' You agree instantly feeling relived that you can avoid telling the truth little while longer. You spent for a while with Jisoo, Haru and Jin at the coffee shop. Finally Jisoo told that she and Haru had to leave. Haru was unhappy about parting with Jin but Jin's promise to visit her soon left smile on the little girl's lips. You are alone at cafe with Jin, who is sipping his second cup of coffee while you drink water. You aren't sure why Jin doesn't want to leave yet but the reason is soon revealed when Jungkook enter the cafe carrying your purse and jacket on his hands. ''Hi Hyung, hi Y/N.'' Jungkook greets you smiling softly and sit opposite of you on the booth. Jungkook is wearing thin grey jacket over his bleached jeans and his earphones are hanging loosely around his neck. ''Hey Jungkook, how did you end up with my belongings?'' You ask surprised but grateful. ''Well Jin texted me and asked if I could pick your stuff from the theater. I also met Jimin briefly but he was on super grumpy mood.'' Jungkook tells and frowns. ''I see.'' You mumble quietly. ''Did Jimin tell you that he made Y/N upset?'' Jin asks impatiently and Jungkook shakes his head surprised. ''Well he did and I was about to ask Y/N here tell us the whole story.'' Jin tells with emotionless tone. ''Is Jimin the reason why I had to made excuse for the elderly woman at the theater reception about Y/N's absence?'' Jungkook asks worry clear in his voice. ''You did? Yes and I'm grateful for that.'' You tell relived. ''No problem, just remember that your aunt fainted and is now at the hospital.'' Jungkook grins. ''I will.'' You smile back at Jungkook. ''Now can we finally go to the topic about what Jimin did?'' Jin asks clearly being in limits of his patience. You take a deep breath and begin to tell about your argument with Jimin, while you keep staring your glass so you aren't able to see the men's faces. ''Son of a bitch!'' Jin fums and hits his fist one the table. Jin's outbreak gains stares of other customers and soon you are asked to leave for causing too much disorder. ''Fine we go, I didn't like the place that much anyway.'' Jin tells the unlucky waitress who had to deliver the message. You exit the cafe with Jin and Jungkook and you follow Jin to his car. You sit on the passenger's seat and Jungkook sits on the back. Jin starts the car still clearly upset. You aren't sure is he upset for you or Jimin. When the silence gets to heave to bare you finally speak. ''Jin?'' You ask carefully holding tightly on your purse to ease your nerves. ''Yes Y/N?'' Jin asks with tense voice while his grip on the steering wheel tightens. Jungkook seems to sense the heavy atmosphere and keeps wisely his mouth shut. ''Are you mad at me?'' Jin chuckles lowly. ''Why would I be? I'm staying silent because I don't have anything nice to say about Jimin right now.'' ''Okay, then where are  we going?'' You had no idea where Jin was driving. ''It's a surprise.'' Jin answers mysteriously and you glance Jungkook trough rear view mirror but he just smiles slyly back at you. ~ ''An amusement park?'' you are exited. Jin and Jungkook has taken you into biggest indoor amusement park in the city called 'Summer fields'. You are waiting on the line to purchase your tickets and Jin is feeling amused because of your excitement. Jin is completely ignoring curious looks caused by his working clothes, but after all it's amusement park and his outfit isn't the most odd one which has been seen here. ''We thought that you could use some cheering up and besides this is great excuse to skip work.'' Jungkook tells excitedly. ''Won't you get in trouble because of skipping?'' You ask feeling guilty. ''Don't worry. My boss is out of town and everyone is taking things more relaxed at work now. Besides I'm at home suffering from food poisoning.'' Jungkook winks and Jin sighs loudly. ''So that's why you were available, no wonder. One day you will get caught with your lies.'' Jin scolds his younger who just smirks wider. ''Maybe, but not today.'' Jungkook has smug smile on his face which leaves quickly when he sees Jin's disappointed face. Now it's your turn to buy your tickets and despite of your protest Jin insist paying yours but refuses to buy Jungkook's and say that he is teaching him a lesson. You wonder if Jin's means are effective after all the boy is still going to have fun with you guys. When you have survived from entrance area you see excited people all around you. Some of them are wearing silly headbands with cat ears or unicorn's horn and some is stuffing their mouth full of cotton candy carrying big stuffed animals. You hear exited screams when people are enjoying the rides and some get scared on the roller coaster. You see the fantasy themed castle sparkling in the distance and you are admiring the small lights which sparkles on the castle walls. ''So, what you wanna do first?'' Jin asks and brings you back to the moment. ''I don't have a preference really. I has been in amusement park last time when I was a teen.'' You tell honestly and Jin loo's you with wide eyes. ''Are you serious? How could you have been so long without joy of eating too much candy and puking after the wildest rides.'' Jin asks with fake scandalous voice. ''I don't know. Sometimes I wonder how I'm alive.'' You answer as dramatic voice as Jin's. ''Guy's stop joking, lets go already. I want to drive the bump cars.''Jungkook says his eyes glistering like little child's. You must admit that your friends excitement is contagious and before you even notice you are having so much fun running from ride to another, playing some arcade games and even buying silly cat ears, which you put on top of Jin's head, and when Jungkook laughs for him and you pull from your bag a pair of another headband with mouse ears. Jungkook tries to run away but after seeing your sulking face he puts the fluffy ears on top of his head which makes you smile widely. Jin glances his watch time to time like he is waiting for something but Jungkook is always fast pulling your attention to somewhere else. Jungkook spend a quite amount of money to win you big fluffy stuffed bunny even when you insisted that he did not have spend his money on games just to win you a prize. Jungkook just waved your complaints away and kept feeding his money to game vendor who accepted them happily. You are walking with the big bunny on your arms when Jin glances his watch again. ''Y/N, what you think about riding a Ferris wheel?'' Jin suddenly asks andyou are quick to agree even tough it feels little lame after the previous ride which you visited. Jungkook is also quick to agree as well and soon you head to the end of the line to wait your turn to ride. ''Hyung I really need to pee.'' Jungkook says suddenly and you look him surprised. ''Aish, Now? Why did you drink so much.'' Jin answers, which is odd because Jungkook had barely drank anything. ''I'm sorry. Will you come with me to the bathroom?'' Jungkook looks guilty. ''Y/N can you manage alone,we will be shortly back. I'm sure that we will be here before our turn.'' Jin pleas. ''Umm, okay.'' You hesitate a little, the line isn't that long... ''Great, we will be back soon.'' Jungkook grins and starts walking towards the bathroom with hurried steps followed by Jin. Maybe he did had to really pee badly after all. When Jin and Jungkook isn't constantly by your side cheering you up, your mind starts to slip easily back to Jimin harsh words. perhaps you shouldn't have spent so much time with so many different men and  should have refused the whole idea of going out with them but on the other than how could you have known that their dates have some ulterior motives even tough they were good ones. You squeeze your bunny tighter in your arms and force smile to your face. You did not want to disappoint the men after all they had done to you. When someone puts their hand on your shoulder you turn around fake smile on your face ready to face your friends. Except it wasn't them. ''Namjoon? What are you doing here?'' You are greatly surprised to see the man in the question. He is wearing a casual red hoodie with plain jeans and white cap on top of his head. You have never seen him wearing anything else but formal clothes so he seems little odd in your eyes, odd in the good way. ''I'm here for our date.'' Namjoon says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. ''Our date?'' You ask surprised. Someone coughs on your back in the line and you realize that it's your turn to get in the ride. You climb in the small cabin with blushing face followed by Namjoon who sits next you on the small space. The ride starts to move slowly and Namjoon returns to the topic. ''Jin and Jungkook kept you company until I was able to leave the work and get home to change.  The told me that you needed cheering up.'' ''Great, does everyone know about my fight with Jimin?'' You whine and bury your face into your stuffed animal. ''Y/N, look at me.'' Namjoon says with gentle voice. You refuse to look at him feeling embarrassed and bury your face deeper into the bunny's fur. Namjoon tugs gently the stuffed animal and you give up and let go of it. You look Namjoon's face scared waiting what he has to say. Namjoon leans closer and puts his hand on your thigh. ''Don't you realize how important you are to us, to me? You are such a great person who always has been kind and polite to us. From the fist moment when Jimin introduced us I knew that you were something special.'' Your face turns into deeper shade of tomato and Namjoon smiles fondly to you. ''Forget Jimin and forget his stupid words. If he doesn't see you like I do he needs to wake up.''Namjoon adds and presses  kiss on your cheek. It's official, you are a tomato or at least relative to them. Suddenly the ride jerks and stops. The Ferris wheel was moving at slow space around so it was notable change. ''What's going on?'' You ask panicked and glance around. You notice that people in the other carts are also looking confused. ''I don't know.'' Namjoon answers and frowns.''Attention, I'm sorry to announce that our Ferris wheel is stuck. Please stay calm and seated, the maintenance team is on it's way.'' The man who controls the ride proclaims from his booth with monotone voice.     ''Well fuck.'' Namjoon sighs but you keep quiet. You are sort of little bit afraid of heights. It's nothing serious and you can enjoy your rides fine, as long as they are moving. When you are stuck in high place you easily feel sick. You remember one time when your class had a field trip at elementary school and you visited high sight seeing tower. At first you were super excited for the trip, after all you didn't leave your small town often at the time. You can vividly remember the long class stairs which you had to take to reach the top. At first everything was going smoothly and you were walking in line with your classmates along the stairs. It started you feeling little bit funny and shaky but you kept going. When you were little above the middle of the stairs you looked down and saw how high up you were. Ii did not help that you were able to see trough the cabs between the stairs the distant ground. You stopped on your heels and a boy who was behind of you complained loudly and tried to push you to keep going but you couldn't. in the end the whole glass had to go back down because the teacher couldn't leave the rest of the class alone.  You had to go the stairs down on your butt slowly dropping one stair at the time while the teacher held your hand. You felt so ashamed of yourself when you were left alone in the lobby with the reception worker so other children could at least enjoy their trip. ''Y/n', are you okay?'' Worried sounding Namjoon pulls you from your memory. ''I'm fine.'' You lie with shaky voice. You feel so stupid the ride wasn't nearly as high as the tower had been. ''You clearly aren't okay, please don't lie to me.'' Namjoon says with stern voice and takes hold of your shoulders. ''Talk to me.'' You gulp and look back to Namjoon's serious eyes. ''I'm scared of heights.'' You admit shyly. Namjoon just stares you without speaking for a second when he suddenly lets big puff of air out of his lungs. ''I can't believe those idiots took you to the amusement park without figuring that out.''  You are surprised from his outburst. ''it's not Jin's and Jugkook's fault. I'm usually fine on the rides. I just get shaken a bit when I can actually feel how high I'm.'' You hurry to defend your friends. Namjoon slides his hands along your shoulders and stops at your hands. Slowly he lifts one of your hands to his lips and kisses each of your finger gently. ''Wha-what are you doing?'' You ask flustered. The return of the tomato is near. ''I'm distracting you.'' He answers casually and repeat his actions with your other hand. Well you can't lie, his actions are working. Instead of fear you are feeling completely different feeling, lust. You keep staring Namjoon's lips when they brush gently tips of your fingers. You have sudden urge to kiss him, so you do it.  At the same second when Namjoon drops your hand and smiles you lean closer and press your lips against his. He freezes from surprise. its unlike to you to be so forward with your actions. Namjoon recovers quickly and his hands finds your neck quickly wrapping around it. Sure you had kissed Namjoon once before during your heated make out session at Jin's car but never like this. This time you were fully able to appreciate his velvet lips. Jolt of the cart pulls you apart and you look each other with widened pupils, the Ferris wheel was moving again. You had forgotten to be afraid of heights when you were next to Namjoon. ~ You are quick to leave the amusement park after you are freed from the Ferris wheel. Your lips are locked when you enter in to Namjoon's house. You don't have time to admire his beautifully decorated home, all you could see was Namjoon. When you part Namjoon takes you to his hands and carries you towards his bedroom on his arms. He doesn't even waver when he climbs up the stairs with you, against your protests.  Namjoon tosses you to his well made bed and follows quickly after pulling his hoodie and shirt away along the way. You admire his body and run your eyes along his chest. Namjoon smirks when he sees your admiration and peeks your lips quickly. ''Can I take this of?'' Namjoon gestures towards your shirt and you are quick to agree. You raise your hands above your head so Namjoon is able to undress your shirt. His eyes finds your lace covered breasts and short low moan leaves his lips. ''You look so good already, I can't wait to see what is under rest of your clothes.'' ''Come on and undress me then.'' You tease and amused smirk covers his face. ''I shall do what the lady demands but don't forget that I'm in control here.'' His low voice and dominant statement gets shivers run to your spine. Namjoon yanks quickly your pants away and tosses the carelessly on the ground. He licks his lips and follow curves of your body with his eyes. ''So fucking good. Do you trust me?'' Namjoon asks suddenly and you get flashbacks from your encounter in Jin's car. ''I think I do.'' You answer like you did back them and knowing look flashes on Namjoon's eyes.   ''Yes or no baby girl?'' Namjoon asks and reaches to swipe few locks of escaping hair away from you face. ''I do.'' You answer and Namjoon seems extremely happy. ''Good.'' Instead of returning to your body he gets up from his bed and heads for drawer close the door. You look curiously how he pulls one of the drawers open and takes out something that looks like a blindfold and pair of handcuffs. Namjoon returns to the bed with the items on his hand. He shows them to you and ask ''Are you still with me?'' You nod. Although you have never thought about being tied up or blindfolded the idea of doing so excites you. ''Good  girl. Can you take your bra of?'' he asks satisfied and brushes your right breast quickly with his knuckles. You nod shyly and reach to your back to open your bra and slide it of your shoulder.  Namjoon's eyes darkens when he sees your bare and those beautiful mounds of flesh with perky nipples. ''Lie down and put your hands up.'' Namjoon tells you and you obey quickly.  Namjoon cuffs your hands to the bed post threading the cuffs on the crossbars of his black iron bedpost.  When he is happy with securing you he takes the blindfold to his hands and slides it gently to cover your eyes. You are left in the darkness completely in his mercy and the idea of it makes the heat pooling in to your belly and small vet spot begins to form into your panties. ''You look so good like this baby girl, all tied up and just waiting that someone taker you. I could just admire you all day.'' You hear Namjoon's voice and soon feel the bed dip next to you for a sign that Namjoon is sitting next to you. Namjoon puts his hand on your right breast and squeezes. ''Dam,  you have good tits.'' You whine softly for his words and hear him chuckle but otherwise keeping quiet. Namjoon rolls your nipple gently between his fingers and his lips finds your other breast. He bits it hard. You yelp in surprise. ''Joon!'' You complain and Namjoon stops for second. ''I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. You just look so divine.'' He admits and you feel yourself getting more heated.  If you were honest his teeth did not hurt that much, you were just surprised from his actions. After all you had no idea what he would do because you ability of seeing has been robbed from you. ''I-it's okay.'' You answers and it's Namjoon's cue to continue. He returns to your breasts and this time he nibbles them more gently. You sigh in pleasure when Namjoon's hand starts to roam lower to you body dipping over your breasts. He stops above your underwear and sighs. ''You are already turning wet for me, you are such a needy thing.'' He hymns and pulls your panties away leaving your body completely bare under his eyes. Even though you feel little shy your hands are tied on the bedpost and you can't do much to cover yourself. Without a warning Namjoon's hand dips between your wet folds and a wanton moan leaves your lips. ''So fucking wet.'' Namjoon pulls his fingers away from your heated core and you hear muted moan. ''Tastes as good as looks.'' Namjoon gets up from his seat just to go between your legs.  He spears your legs open and breath hitches to your throat from anticipation.  When Namjono is happy with his new position he spears your pussy lips open and dips his tongue to your folds. The pure pleasure from his small actions makes you impatient. ''Joon I need more!'' You demand. ''Wait patiently, you will get more. Impatient girls get nothing.'' Namjoon answers huskily and returns to your lower regions despite his accusing tone. His tongue returns to its work and he circles slowly your clit with the wet muscle. You have come to realize with your resent sexual awakening that you were really impatient when you wanted something but you were on Namjoon's mercy and complains wouldn't help you. Instead you bite your lower lip while Namjoon rills you up slowly. After time which felt like a eternity he dips his index finger into mix and begins to pump it slowly into your wet hole. Knot is forming slowly but surely from Namjoon's skilled actions but you are  still missing something. Like sensing this Namjoon finally gives you a mercy and picks up his speed and his plump lips find your needy bud. With his sucking and finger moving inside your walls you feel how the knot is ready to snap when suddenly Namjoon halts his movements and pulls away. Loud frustrated moan leaves from your lips, your orgasm has never been denied before. ''Don't worry you will come but only with me.'' Namjoon tells satisfied seeing you squirming. ''Hurry then.'' You demand, you can't help yourself. ''Usually I would punish you from a such bratty attitude but today I let it slide.'' Namjoon chuckles darkly and you hear how his belt is opened and pants are pulled down. You really want to see him. Soon you hear folio ripping and you assume him rolling condom at it's place. Your whole body stills. You have never actually gone trough with penetration. ''Hey Joon.'' You say with shaky voice and Namjoon stops his actions caused by your shaky tone. ''Is everything okay baby girl?'' he asks and squeezes your side gently. ''I, I haven't actually been fucked before.'' You hurry to force the words out of your mouth so quickly that Namjoon had to think before he realizes what you just said. ''Well fuck, I promise to go slow.'' Namjoon says with gentle voice which is completely opposite of his actions this far in the bedroom. ''Okay. Hey Joon?'' ''Yes baby?'' ''Can I at least see you?'' ''Sure, no problem.'' Namjoon agrees quickly worried for your comfort and pulls the blindfold from your eyes. You blink rapidly when the light hits your eyes.  When you are again used to the light your eyes find Namjoon and again you almost forget how to breathe. He is so fucking beautiful and handsome at the same time. His dick is hard and wrapped in condom, begging for it release.  Namjoon's body is like a eye candy, just created to be admired and worshiped. Did whole group of seven men save the country in their past life or something? It's so utterly unfair how all of them is so gorgeous. ''Can I kiss you?'' You ask and instead of answering Namjoon leans to your lips and bites your lower lip gently. ''Are you sure that you are okay with this?'' Namjoon asks when his lips leaves yours. ''Yes, I want to do it.'' You agree little bit nervous but eager to continue.           So you know how romance books always describes your first time as a fantasy came true? Well it it really was, Namjoon was gentle when he entered you going slowly. Namjoon was far from small and his member invading your insides was painful at first without lying.  You whined when you felt the burn and few tears escaped your eyes which Namjoon kissed away. When you finally gave the signal to move he made sure that your comfort came first and soon the stretch turned from unpleasant into pleasure.  Namjoon's dick brushed one particular spot in your insides and you were seeing stars. You begged for more and Soon Namjoon speed was multiplying and he pumped his hard member in and out to your wet hole.  You hands were still tied on the bedpost so you were unable to touch Namjoon which was in your eyes a minus but the thought slipped quickly from your mind when he pinched your clit and you came hard spamming around his thick member. Your pulsing walls were quick to push Namjoon over the edge and he came in to the condom. Panting and sweaty Namjoon pulled out and tossed the condom into nearby trash bin. You are still fucked out and coming back to earth when Namjoon releases you from the cuffs. After all the lust is literally fucked out of you, you are getting tired. Even the dull pain and soreness you feel won't stop your eyelids wanting to close shut. ''I go get the towel.'' Namjoon says quietly while you are already drifting to sleep in his bed. Last thing you can remember is Namjoon cleaning you up and pulling blanket over your body.  Namjoon turns the lights off in the room and slides next to you in to the bed drifting into dreamland with you.

'Tae I fucked up.'' ''So I have heard.'' ''What I can do to fix this?'' ''What you think you should do?'' ''Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that I can't lose her.'' ''Then Jimin you should tell that to her.'' 

Tags:  @lylanie12 @hopeivx @vannilacake @mina-messed-up  @lonely-hufflepuff @soularbangtan @all289854 @hobitoons @vanessalovesonedirection @bbjel @doki-do-ki @yoongleskitten @chaitaewithkookies @hellosweety94 @exochanyeoltao @brokencrownqueen @hitit-thesecond-audition @kookiemonstersugatea @treetops68 @mylittlestrangeandsweetworld @lanu-la @d-noona @serendipity-secrets @recs-by-raamish @jojolovesbangtan @fanficreblogaaaa @creepysweet  @elpanvibe @kassandravictoria @kpoppower @golddaengguk @barbikatherine 

[wilhelmjfink]

“It’s Them” (1/3)

ETA: SOME PPL ACTUALLY WANTED A SECOND PART SO I CHANGED IT FROM ONESHOT #6 (WHICH ACTUALLY IT WAS #5 APPARENTLY) TO A NEW TITLE AND THE 2ND PART WILL BE OUT SOOOOOON :-) -3/8/19

time to break the monotony up w/ a oneshot I pounded out kinda drunk & finished late so it’s getting posted w/o being edited or even remotely glanced over tonight..... this one is Negan x reader!!! holy shit right??!?! i know!!! i had to switch things up so. enjoy~

PS: @crossbowking i rly hope ur not mad at me for posting this i love u :,(

Prompt: “It’s them.”

You were growing increasingly more fed up with being out in the damp cold air as dusk settled onto the forest around you. You had your AR15 slung over your back carelessly so that your hands could remain tucked into the front pockets of the black jacket you were wearing, fingers frozen despite the cotton gloves you wore.

Negan’s rules had been simple: you knew where these people were coming and going, and it was your job to interfere, halting them in their tracks. A surprise visit to the group of strangers that had broken into your eastern compound and shot every single one of your comrades as they slept.

The thought made your blood boil and it coursed through your veins, offering slight relief from the brisk night air. You had friends at that compound — there were men and women there that you were sure had never even held a gun in their hands. Innocent people being slaughtered was nothing new in the world you lived in now, but that didn’t mean it didn’t anger you and that there wasn’t anything you could do about it. Vengeance was one thing that you did have, and you’d be damned if you’d let anyone take it away from you.

So you trudged through the fallen leaves and dead brush underneath your boots, already glistening with fresh dewdrops, leading your small squad of four through the maze of baring trees.

The small single beep that radiated from the walkytalky on your hip rung out just loud enough for you to catch it. Without looking down or missing a determined step, you felt down for the call button on the side, clicked it in response, and waited for an answer.

Finally, a familiar voice crackled through the small speaker. “Beta, you read?”

You threw a quick glance over your shoulder at your crew for attendance and held up a hand, signaling them to stop behind you. “Beta’s good.”

There was muffled chatter for a moment while Simon checked in with Charlie and Delta, and after they confirmed their condition, it was followed by silence.

You shifted your weight on your feet impatiently, already struggling to see just feet in front of you as the sun disappeared. There had been no sign of the group you were after yet — at least, for your squad — and you were getting angrier and angrier at Simon and Negan for sending you the direction they did incase any of your targets caught wind of the gameplan and detoured or actually discovered any of the dozens of Saviors that were roaming the area all around you.

“Everything ok, boss?”

You looked to Lola as she stepped toward you, bloodshot eyes wide in eager anticipation, itching for a fight as always. A smile crept onto your face at the sight of your friend as she bounced on her heels, glancing left and right and back and forth, the two black knots of hair falling loosely from their spot on the top of her head.

“Yeah,” you responded, looking to the radio on your hands. “Just Simon dicking around like always.”

Lola laughed dryly and nodded in understanding. “Figured as much.”

Toby swung the heavy bag from his back and dropped it to the ground with a grunt, leaving it momentarily to stretch and doubled over with a satisfied groan. When he straightened up, he opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the crackling of the radio  at your side.

“Alright everyone, listen up.” Simon’s voice was oozing with superiority he thought he had and you rolled your eyes. “They’re rounding ‘em all up by the camp off of Hudson. It’s marked on your maps, so hurry up and get your asses over here. It’s go time!”

“Got it,” you said into the speaker before tucking it back onto your hip. Toby hoisted the bag back up over his shoulders. Meyers pulled the roadmap from his own smaller pack, and Lola shined her mag light onto it.

“Maybe a half mile,” she said, trailing her pointer finger along the paper Meyers held in his hands quietly. “Keep going straight.”

You nodded. “Let’s go meet these fuckers.”

Marching on, the three followed you back into the dark forest.

You spotted the headlights from your vans and trucks before you reached the clearing, the rumble of chatter from your fellow Saviors growing as you neared them. The Sanctuary was a large community but it wasn’t the only one; there were probably fifty Saviors around you and every single one of them was just as pissed off as you were.

There was a camper parked on the far end and you curiously made your way toward it, unsure of whether or not it was occupied and if it was, you wanted to be sure it wasn’t nobody that should be on their knees in the clearing behind you.  

You retrieved your weapon from your back and poised it up and ready to fire as you pulled the flimsy plastic door open and climbed the first step inside.

“And, BANG! You’re dead.”

You nearly jumped out of your skin, whipping around toward the unmistakable voice behind you frantically. Only when you found Negan and saw his cocky grin as he emerged from a darkened corner did you lower your gun and place a hand overtop of your heart just to make sure it was still beating and he hadn’t actually scared you to death.

“God, you fucking asshole,” you bit out breathlessly. “I almost shot you!”

“You need to be more careful, doll.” He crept toward you and even in the dim light the vehicles outside hardly provided in the small room you could see his perfect teeth glistening as he grinned down at you mischievously. “I could’ve shot you before you even got a chance to see me. And wouldn’t that be a shitty way to die?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You waved at him dismissively and stood on your toes to peer over his shoulder through the cracked blinds behind him, watching as your crew surrounded the line of strangers on their knees, circling them like vultures. “We got ‘em,” you said, almost surprised, and Negan noticed.

“Did you ever doubt that we would?”

“No, it was just getting late and I was about ready to throw in the towel and try again tomorrow.”

Still smiling, Negan shook his head slowly. “Now, that is not the girl I know...”

“Yeah, well...” you shrugged. The comfortability between you two was always present and especially welcomed at that moment, considering the long and exhausting day you’d had keeping up the unwavering front as your squad’s leader. It was unsettling sometimes how easily you could let your guard down around him. “It’s fucking cold outside, Negan.”

He slinked closer to you, his large frame towering over you so close to you that his body was radiating warmth that you were craving.

You could feel his breath on your chilled skin: “Awe, poor baby,” he crooned; you didn’t know if it was his proximity or his words that sent a chill down your spine, but goosebumps made their way over your whole body in waves.

The compliments and flirtatiousness were always present between you two but you disregarded it as friendly banter — you, unlike most women you came across, could handle a little inappropriate banter and his perverted sense of humor. Hell, most of the time, you could match it; make him blush even. But as it had always been with you and your predominantly male group of friends, harmless teasing was all that it was and would ever be. And you would be just fine with that.

But harmless teasing had left you and Negan behind some time ago, despite your attempt to simply ignore the heat that pooled in your stomach every time you caught him staring at you from across the room.

But at that moment, he wasn’t across the room, noticeably eye-fucking you with his tongue hanging from his jaw like a dog. No — he had dropped that bad boy persona and took on his role as the leader of a deadly and violent group of soldiers and held his act together with confidence and class. Over the course of the day you’d watched him go from a horny teenager to a man that would hold you down until you caved and called him daddy.

You worked for Negan. He was your boss, essentially. And part of that concerned you. But there was another part of you, a much bigger and stronger part, that excited you even more.

And he knew it, too; standing there before you with his lips hovering so close to yours that the minuscule distance between them began to actually, physically hurt. So standing there with Negan, toe-to-toe, you caved and let the hype and adrenaline of the day’s events consume you and without giving yourself another second to contemplate it, you closed the small space between you two impatiently.

The second that your lips touched his it was like a switch had been flicked on inside of him, as if he’d been posed restlessly at the starting line waiting for the gunshot that told him to fucking go. The simple act had given him all the permission he’d needed and you let him guide you backwards until your back hit the wall and he pinned you up against it deliciously, fueling the fire that was burning in your veins and had you yearning for him, refusing to smolder and burn out until you had every inch of him in the palm of your hand — literally and figuratively.

Just as his normal behavior always flaunted, he was cocky and dominant with his kissing as well, biting on your lower lip and tugging gently and eliciting an unwilling moan from you that only seemed to drive him on. He let out a low growl in response and the sound itself could’ve melted you on the spot. In fact, you wouldn’t have been surprised if the whole RV around you went up in flames from the energy he was emitting.

His large hands explored your body the best they could with the layers you had on, fumbling with the buttons on your coat until they could make their way inside the heavy material and slowly move up and down and ghost around your breasts tauntingly. He knew exactly what he was doing — you were making a point to not remind yourself that. And it wasn’t hard considering his movements had you like putty in the palm of his hand and he manipulated and rolled you between his fingers hungrily.

When he pinned both of your wrists in one hand overtop of your head you felt your knees weaken and threaten to give up underneath you. But the second that his mouth left your lips and dropped to the nape of your neck you were both interrupted by a voice right outside of the door.

“Let’s meet the man!”

You weren’t sure why you panicked and shoved him off of you, panicking at the thought of anybody seeing you, even if it was just Simon. Nervously you looked to Negan to gauge his reaction to your sudden change of heart but he seemed to understand and simply stood up and retrieved Lucille from where she was propped up against the counter.

Simon knocked to alert Negan and he headed toward the door, readjusting the red scarf around his neck and bringing a hand up behind his head to smooth down the hair your wandering hands had tussled.

With a smile in a wink that almost had you jumping back on top of him, he grabbed the door handle and gave you one last provocative up-and-down, running his tongue over his perfect teeth like a snake. “You come out whenever you’re ready, baby girl.”

And with that, he stepped out of the camper, letting the door swing and slam shut behind him.

When you were positive he’d left from earshot, you let yourself fall onto the cushions behind you with a deep sigh.

“What the fuck have I done?” You asked yourself quietly, unable to stop the laughter from bubbling up into the words. You really backed yourself into a corner. Next time you saw Negan he would want to finish what you had started. Did you want to finish it? You wouldn’t have kissed him if you didn’t. So what does that mean for you as a Savior? He’d have to kill you to get you into one of those skimpy black dresses and call yourself a wife. You would sooner take a job on the fence.

You should’ve known it was bound to happen sooner or later — that was always how things went. You weren’t his ‘right-hand’, but you might as well have been. You were a team, a good match in temperament and skill, successful in most things you did together. You could deny it all you want, but that spark had always been there, and you tried to ignore it only to make it much more obnoxious than it had already had been.

He had to respect you to some degree beyond a comrade to never make a serious move on you before, right?

It was scary to connect with people in the new world; scary to find somebody that made you feel something than other than basic survival instincts and could make you forget about the way life had changed. It was dangerous and you were just asking to be hurt, never being able to prepare yourself for when he was inevitably ripped from your grasp.

You knew that for a fact because it had happen before, and you weren’t sure if you could handle another loss.

Not knowing if they’d gotten lost, abandoned you, been killed or tortured or eaten alive. That was the hard part. Not knowing.

But if you wanted to live, you couldn’t dwell on things like that. You know there were certain people who would want you to move on and be happy and find comfort in somebody else’s arms, regardless of how narcissistic, cocky and borderline delirious they could be.

You shook the whirling thoughts from your head: you didn’t couldn’t in the dark and reminisce all night. You had a job to do.

Retrieving your gun from where you’d discarded in on the table you straightened yourself up, making sure to settle your own messy hair back into a relatively decent ponytail, and forced your personal feelings back down where they belonged: buried underneath more pressing matters.

You opened the door as quietly as possible as to not draw attention to yourself, and it would’ve worked had Negan not been staring in your direction as if he’d been waiting for you to emerge. He was on the other side of the group he had lined up, kneeling before him, all 10 or so avoiding his gaze except for the guy in the middle whom he was crouched in front of.

He smiled when he saw you. “There’s my girl.”

Your face flushed red and you cursed yourself for it, not wanting to show any sign of anything more than a professional relationship with Negan but also furious with him for stopping his big, dramatic facade to acknowledge her that way in front of the large crowd around you.

You sunk back into like in front of your squad and felt Lola nudge you harshly with her elbow, so much so that it knocked you off balance and you snapped back angrily at your friend and glared at her from over your shoulder. But it was hard to be mad at her as she stared up at you wide wide eyes and an even wider smile, telling you everything you needed to know about what she was thinking and how she felt about it all.

Negan stood up and sashayed around the group like the prima donna he was, though he spoke nothing but truth with no exaggerations, his recap of all your people the strangers before you had killed brutally successfully bringing back the anger you’d forgotten about for just a few moments.

Out of the corner of your eye you caught sight of a man hunched over under a blanket, covered in blood you presumed had to be his with how badly his body was trembling.

Negan has begun one of his theatrical  scenes and was slowly circling the strangers with Lucille outstretched before him but you couldn’t focus because you were still squinting in the dark, struggling to see the face of the injured man across from you because something felt wrong about him. You couldn’t explain the odd feeling you were getting from him, trying to make out his features in the shadows of the headlights as Negan passed by him slowly, taunting him with his scare tactics.

Then, like a freight train, it hit you. Hard.

Recognition.

He was familiar — the strong arms and broad chest, shaggy hair that casted over his eyes as he hung his head weakly. But when Negan stepped by him, sticking Lucille in his face menacingly, he actually rose his eyes and glared up at him, fearless and unwavering.

The strength was your first hint; the shadows lifting from his features and revealing a face that turned your previously boiling blood into pure shards of ice.

Your stomach dropped. The wind was knocked from your lungs. The world was tilting dangerously around you and you felt like you were going to keel over. But you had to know for sure.

You looked to the person at his side. And the next one. And the person next to them. And then to the man in the middle and you were sure you might’ve passed out of Lola didn’t catch on and wrap a gloved hand around your elbow, whispering something unintelligible that you could hardly hear. And while you so badly wanted to just turn around and assure her you were fine, you found that you lost the ability to form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences.

The only words that you could manage to squeak out, barely audible, felt so distant and so wrong on your own tongue: “It’s them.”

:o

wouldn’t this be an incredible 2 parter!!!!! *wink nudge @crossbowking dont hate me lol xx*

@crossbowking @jodiereedus22 @apossiblegentleman @mtngirlforever @sourwolf-sterek32 @winchester-angel @qrangr @cole-winchester @the-bottom-of-the-abyss @twdeadfanfic @crazyaboutnorman @thatsoragan @deliciousassafrasssandwich @bunnymother93 @96ssi @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @ima-mther-fckn-starboy @thatsoragan @lonewolf471

[seenashwrite]

I feel inept (or worse) with everything I have ever created. How can writers get to the point of confidence and certainty with their works? Is it worth trying to please the masses when we can't please ourselves? Am I poking the bear? It just seems you are a voice of discernment and I am trying to ask the write questions.

This is a tricky kebab to de-skewer, it’s stacked. But not impossible to stomach. It is not, after all, an alt-world crispy lizard.

Cool your jets, Sammy.

Hopefully it’ll be of relief to know that I’m not going to tell you to write because it makes you happy, and write for you, and then the readers will come. Not because it’s not true, but (a) because you know that, and (b) because it’s a bit of a pat answer. Touching on the second part of your question briefly - the whole chumming the water scenario - hypothetically, were you to do this, I waffle in my speculations as to what degree it would be successful due to the doldrums.

Whether it’s cookbook fic or the quality stuff you’re aiming for, people will be able to tell if you’re going through the motions. Well, some won’t, because they aren’t, um, discerning, to borrow your word, and others are just reading for some time-killing fun, and there’s a subset of those folks with wicked senses of humor, so the worse the fic, the better. Having said that, I’m a big proponent of assuming all readers are witty and intelligent, and via the writing, I’m going to treat them as such, and so they’ll know if I’m not feeling it. 

So. Back to that ineptitude feeling part. Spoiler alert: I can’t fix this…

Double spoiler alert: …but you totes can…

Triple spoiler alert: …and there’s some concrete steps you can take to do it vs. trying to Tinkerbell it away with thinking happy thoughts. Because, blerrrgh. Fairies. Nah. #Dean approved

Oh, and also? Since I picked this scab off-and-on over the course of 36 hours when things I wanted to say popped to mind, it mutated. We shall split this into two posts.

Part One: So Do I Just Blow At This Fanfic Stuff?

PS: Dunno if you “know” me, but FYI this should hopefully be an easy read with lotsa snark and gifs interspersed and, oh yeah, potty mouth.

C/P for convenience: 

“I feel inept (or worse) with everything I have ever created. How can writers get to the point of confidence and certainty with their works?”

I’m gonna ask a rhetorical question that’s yours to answer, because no one else can:

Why is that?

I mean in an objective sense, not in a blanket sense of “Well, Nash, you dumb bitch, my self-confidence blows”; what I’m driving at are the non-emotional factors. If we go emotion, you’re gonna start subconsciously lumping things in with the writing part (i/e - putting blame on yourself for other areas of life where you perceive yourself as not being “good enough”), so we should go the other route. Make this as fact-based as possible.

What facts are you basing this on? Do you publish stuff, and not get a lot of hearts/notes/reblogs/followers/etc.? What’re your metrics? Put plainly: Is this you being hard on yourself, or is there something concrete to back it up?

(A person who can’t act, for instance, should probably find something else to do after 20 years of auditioning with no parts. An artist who hasn’t been featured in a show or sold one painting. A chef who can’t make it past the line to sous. You get what I’m saying. There’s undeniable evidence there, because after a lengthy period of time, the chances that no casting director, no curator, and no head chef have picked up on the prowess of these special snowflakes is virtually nil. They blow. Their confidence has morphed into delusion. They need to accept they should stop trying to make fetch happen.)

Now, based upon this—

“Is it worth trying to please the masses when we can’t please ourselves?”

—I’m assuming that’s the case, that part about you having something concrete driving at least part of your self-assessment. My interpretation of your statement (and correct me if I’m not tracking with you) is that you think your style isn’t appealing to majority of the readership ‘round here, ergo it’s feeding this feeling of ineptitude. I can’t offer advice on fixing what other life aspects could be acting as the base of that feeling, but the pile-on feeling from the writing aspect of it, that we can work with.

I’d have to have more information to make a detailed, precise call on whether this is a skill-based scenario, namely - assuming you trust my tastes to a degree - reading your stuff. Which isn’t likely to happen unless you’ve got a sneaky way of recommending it to me via a friend or something a good bit of time from now when this isn’t fresh on my mind*, because I can’t know who you are or connect it to this conversation, or we’re automatically injecting bias.

(*It would have to be a really, really, really long time from now; I have a pretty sharp memory; it’d need to be too far out to be helpful for you in the near future.)

What I can tell about you without reading any of your stories is that you are above average in intelligence and are well-educated, whether formally or self-taught, based upon the words you used and how they are used - and if you thesaurus'ed it, you’re smart enough not to pick glaringly extravagant words - and you were succinct and expressed the issue well, with sincere concern that didn’t go all sad-sack Eeyore.

You can write.

But can you tell a story? Can you capture the essence of known characters and present this with accuracy? Do you have original ideas, which you can distill into interesting plots? Etc.? Again, I can’t know for sure. Now, a way that you could get a taste of what I’d call you on were I acting as your editor?

There is a *plethora* of objective criteria over at The Nail’s HQ, and I’ve recently re-done the pages so they are mobile-friendly (bless octomoosey and his brilliant designs). Like, seriously - they look okay on my laptop and huge-ass desktop monitor, but baby do they shine on phones. #bless octomoosey part deux  The foundation of all of it comes from advice from pros, and whether I/we personally like their stuff or not, they’ve all been highly successful and managed to appeal to the masses while keeping a high bar. They don’t cater to the lowest common denominator. And even though I personally may not love all the fics I put on The Nail in a given edition (‘ships, too shmoopy, too angsty, whatever), they’re solidly hitting, at minimum, at least three of those “guiding standards”.  

Great, so, there’s Nash’s Edit Yourself At Home! kit… which brings me to a disclaimer.

I don’t have mass appeal.

What I do have is a solid, loyal reader base who gives me phenomenal feedback (a handful of them giving me fantastic constructive critique when needed) on the reg, and I couldn’t ask for more. And because I am human and I like knowing people dig what I make and because, as a grown-ass adult, I am capable of assigning value to and caring about two or more things at the same time, I would also totes ask for more - not of them, I mean I’d like more people to join in. I would love to have that lil’ bottom left hand corner sporting a number in the hundreds within the day of publish. That’s motivating. That’s telling me people are into what I make. That’s telling me I am super good at—–

Wait.

That last bit…  Does it? Mean that I’m super-good at it? Does that metric alone paint a good picture of my talent? Hmmmm. Well. How to put.

Oh, but fuck no.

And if that “oh, but fuck no” didn’t serve as a tonal lead-in, let me be clear that this is the part where Nash Shoves Logic Into The Closet And Locks The Door For A Minute, And Vents Her Frustrations, With Which You And Others Reading This Could Perhaps Empathize And Are Giving Me Virtual High Fives And Yasss Gurrrrl-s Through The Screen At Completion Of Rant.

[clears throat]

Have you seen some of the absolute garbage that screams through the Tumblrsphere like a cat with a bell on its tail? Holy moses, is it shit. Same shit, different title. One example of the problems: I don’t recognize Sam or Dean more than half the time. Then I see a bazillionty notes on it, a bunch of feedback on folks’ reblogs, ask-kissing©℗™ talking about how the writer captured the guys so perfectly, and they seemed just like they are in the show and… and… and… and… and I’m all:

ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME SHOW?!?!  The men in many of these stories are mannequins/Real Dolls with the faces of JA and JP slapped atop. They are what the writers want them to be, not what the characters are, and it’s lazy because we have 13-odd years of scripts and visuals to glean from, and it takes consideration and practice to pull it off. 

Same goes for working a reader insert, making that person juuuuust vague enough so that readers can actually, um, picture themselves in the role. But what do we get instead? Most of the time there is zero depth to ol’ Y/N. Zip. Nada. She’s so tough, she’s nigh on invulnerable (until she’s not, so she can be saved, and the Mannequin can pine in the meantime), or she’s so fragile and mousy and immature I wanna cunt punt her, or she’s the perfect pussy with next to no flaws, and regardless she’s getting moved into the bunker with an engagement ring and/or Winchester fetus,and ermahgerd, total window-closers.

But they’re clearly doing something right, and they took the time to give us a story free of charge, and….and…. and yet….

(I am aware I am abusing those gifs of late, I’ll get through it, but today is not that day)

Okay, okay, okay, what does this have to do with you - the answer is that you can actually use these atomic farts as a handbook, as well (which ties into Pt.2 of the question, and we’ll get there. Eventually.), assuming you decide you don’t want to chum the waters, and want to do your thing.

(1) The Nail pages are gonna give you some objective things to work with and aim for; 

(2) those truly inept, supposedly based-upon-SPN stories are gonna give you some objective things to avoid like the plague;

And that combo will hopefully….

(3) get a draft out of you that has you sitting back and going, “I’m not 100% that this is gold, but I’ve sure got something shiny, here.”

It’s a feeling of trepidation, it’s not your ultimate goal of “confidence and certainty with [my] works”, but we’ve stepped out of the feeling of ineptitude, and that’s the point. You didn’t arrive at feeling inept overnight, that kebab’s got about four or five veg before it gets to the meat (and several are onions, always with the onions, MORE RED PEPPERS, UNCLE HANK!), so you’re not gonna get to that nice thick sirloin in one sitting, either.

Say, are you a vegetarian? This non-tofu kebab metaphor may be falling flat if so. But transparency and all, I confess I’d rather have alt-world lizard kebab than tofu. Dean, what say you?

He feels me.

One way you’re going to start feeling certain in your works—-

and listen, you know this, but I’ll say it anyway: nobody’s ever 100% certain

—-is when people zero in on specific things you did right, and if they stood out to a reader, they likely stood out to you, so it’s gonna be all “YES!” in your head. When this starts happening, make two documents:

(1) Fic_Feedback_Yes- sort the (positive, praising, specific-things-noted) comments by story - copy them verbatim- read whenever ineptitude feels start creeping back whilst writing/editing story

(2) Fic_Feedback_No- sort the (constructive critique, helpful, specific-things-noted) comments by story - copy them verbatim- read whenever ineptitude feels start creeping back whilst writing/editing story

“Nash, that’s the same fucking thing,” you say.

Yeah, I know.  We ain’t here for ego-feeding, we’re here for confidence, and we don’t get confidence without being aware of not just what we’re nailing, but also of our Achilles’ heels. I joke about “filling the ol’ ego tank”, but it’s legit not an ego thing. Ego things we’re going to touch on in Pt. 2, how it can blind us, and then we’re cranking out stuff that, when cut into, is a dried husk like that turkey in Christmas Vacation.

(WHY do I keep talking about meat)

So, here we are, back to the numbers. Assuming we get you to mild trepidation stage - normal for writers getting into their groove - how do we get you to the point where your stuff is yielding commentary for your docs, for your growth? 

Well, that won’t happen right away, people have to get a feel of you beyond your stories (we’ll talk about that in Pt. 2, as well), so initially it’s going to manifest as hitting the heart, maybe some generic “This is awesome!”-s, maybe some reblogs without commentary, and that’s typical, and we’ll take it, it still goes into your “Mass Appeal” metrics, lets you know you’re getting closer to a broader readership, that you’ve done something/several somethings right….

….which is a nice place to stop Part One. 😉

PART TWO

[its-ben-awhile]

Let’s go! Move it!

50 more yards!

All right, let’s go! Pick it up!

- Let’s go! - Yes, sir!

You’re running out of time, Bryant!

Make it all the way around the track! Come on!

You want to be troopers? You better move it!

All right, next, get up here!

Let’s hit it now.

Dean, come on!

All right. You’ve all completed the written exam.

However, you must now pass the obstacle course

to be admitted into the training program.

And remember, survive this,

and you’re on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.

Yeah.

Sorry about the test, Dad.

We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

Mine is named hypoglycemia.

Well, that’s why you always have to have sugar nearby.

Are you gonna have pie?

Not tonight, Ma.

I’m just kidding. Yeah, I’m gonna want some pie.

You…

No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.

- Okay. - You said it,

and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,

and can’t really get it out. Pie. Here we go.

It really helps heal.

And, you know, not always, but sometimes,

you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, “Whatever.”

Kids don’t talk like that.

Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?

I hear them in the mall. You know?

Peanut butter.

It just fills the cracks of the heart.

Go away, pain.

- What? - Paulie.

Oh, no. Come on, Ma.

I’m not ready for this right now.

- Dad. - Please.

We just don’t want to see you go through another holiday alone.

But I’m not alone.

I’ve got you two. You know?

And besides, Black Friday’s coming,

so my dance card’s gonna be pretty full.

What? It’s the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.

I wish I had a coworker here, like, “Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday’s coming.”

“Gee, Paul, you don’t have to tell me Black Friday’s coming.

"Why do you think I’ve been walking around here

"with the eyes of an eagle?”

- We prepare. - Dad, what does all that have to do

with being happy for the rest of your life?

You said, and I quote, “If I don’t have a girlfriend by November,

"I’ll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com.”

That was last year.

Okay.

- Here we are. - Okay.

“What are you looking for in a woman?”

Well, your mother certainly had something special.

Yeah, illegal immigrant status.

She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.

That’s not entirely true.

We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.

- Well, I hate her. - Well, you shouldn’t.

She gave me you.

- I am pretty great. - You are. You are.

Okay, next question. “Tell us about yourself.”

Let’s see.

I know a lot about sharks.

Let me stop you right there.

Well-built and a great hugger.

Awesome, Grandma.

Not as awesome as this.

What are you doing?

Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.

Ma, no.

I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s a little too, “Hey, look at me”?

Well, that is exactly what we want.

Eyes on the prize.

And don’t worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.

Dear God!

Hey! Back away from the vehicle.

Oh, dear God. Please.

Chompers, get down!

Hey, you know where a men’s room is?

I do. You’re gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.

They got 12 stalls and heated seats.

Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!

Okay, my lip is numb.

All righty.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.

That’s not supposed to be here. It’s a minivan.

… he can’t handle it. The puck travels to the far board…

He keeps the play alive.

- Paul! - Hey.

What is this?

That’s my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy’s

down through the specialty shops.

- How’s that working out for you? - Actually, it’s for all of us.

You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,

it’s gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.

It’s your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.

- Can I ask you something? - Anything.

Why can’t you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?

Safety never takes a holiday.

Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?

Blart.

This is Sims. He’s a new trainee. Let him trail you today.

Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.

Wow. Veck Sims.

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let’s mount up.

Oh, yeah. That’s the good stuff.

That’s it. Treat her gentle, son.

Slap it, honor it.

So what made you want to pursue security?

I never finished high school. This is all I could get.

Yeah, I’m currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.

Right now, I’m goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.

Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.

My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.

They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.

I’m kidding. I can’t grow a beard.

My uncle can. Stay snug.

Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,

here’s what I want you to do. You’re gonna pull up,

left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,

giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know

you don’t.

Okay? But you know what we do have?

Our voices! We have our voices.

If you remember one thing from today, it’s this.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn’t need a holster.

Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?

Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,

five minutes to get refocused.

We got a high roller.

Sir, I’m gonna need you to pull to the right.

Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.

Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.

Sir.

Thank you.

Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.

You’re kidding.

I don’t joke about shopper safety.

I’m afraid I’m gonna have to issue you a citation.

Gonna need your first and last. Last first.

Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.

Please don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?

Are you able to… Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.

You’re pushing it.

Sir. Sir. I am warning… Sir.

Sir. Sir. Sir.

Okay.

This is adding up, sir. He’ll be back. He’ll be back. He’ll be back.

- Hey. - Hi. Do you need something?

Yes. I’d like to welcome you to our mall.

Well, thank you.

Is there something else?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Just looking for some hair extensions.

Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?

Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?

Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?

I don’t think so. Which one?

Well, that one. That one right there.

Yeah. That one, yes. That… You know, that one was me.

- Oh, wow. Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Never better.

Although they’re docking the paycheck pretty good.

Yeah.

You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,

and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.

- Hello, early retirement. - Yeah, right?

Volume. Right, let me just see what I’ve got.

Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I’m over by the kiosks.

Who is this?

It’s Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.

What the hell are you bothering me for?

- Just a Code B check. - What a moron.

You know, I’ll check in with them later. It’s pretty intense.

Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.

- What, what? - No, it’s just that you said security guard,

and it’s perfectly acceptable…

I’m so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.

No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?

It’s just that there’s a huge, huge controversy

brewing in the industry right now,

whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.

I’m sure you heard about it.

- I didn’t. - You will. You’re gonna.

- But I’m sure I will. - It’s out there.

So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?

Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.

This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won’t even get a card.

Everyone’s too busy shopping.

You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.

- Yeah. - I think that’s your color.

- I think this’ll work. - It’s a winner.

- So that’s $9.95. - $9.95?

- Yeah. - Wow.

At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.

All right. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Right. So there you go. - Okay.

And, there you go.

Thank you, Amy.

Thank you, Officer Blart.

Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.

You went with a medium?

It’s a bit formfitting,

but that’s ‘cause we’re required to wear protective vests under our…

No. Not buying it. No.

'Cause I don’t see any vest underneath here, so…

No, but it’s a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.

Nope. Nope. No.

I don’t understand why you’re laughing. I just called you fat.

I’m not laughing.

Yeah, whatever. Amy.

Hey, everyone’s going to American Joe’s tonight, and I want to see you there.

Okay? We’re gonna split some onion strings.

Wow. Wow.

Good.

Good hang.

Wow, yeah. That’s great.

Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria’s Secret.

Okay, roger that.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

- I found it first. - No, you didn’t.

Ladies. Problem.

What’s the genesis?

She’s trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.

There’s gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They’ll be here by noon.

Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.

Really? Is he blind?

Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.

Not my first rodeo.

Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

No, you don’t.

Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen’s arrest.

So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.

- That’s true. She could. - Hey, not talking to you. Okay?

Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?

Look, I understand your sensitivity.

I’ve had some issues with weight myself.

- Are you calling me fat? - No. No, no, no, no.

I’m just saying I’ve been down that road.

I mean… I mean, I’m still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.

Let’s face it, we eat to fill a void, right?

But as soon as I started eating healthier,

I noticed I wasn’t so moody.

And PS, your skin’s gonna clear up.

- Can you hold onto these? - Sure.

Ma'am.

You…

She’s got tremendous upper body strength.

Backup! Backup!

She’s biting my neck. She’s biting my neck.

Backup!

Backup! Backup!

Look, I know you’re new here and all,

but “backup” seems like a pretty universal term.

Hey. Can I give you a lift?

What, on that?

With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,

but with me, you’ll be as safe as the President.

I don’t know. Couldn’t that get you fired?

Yes, it could.

Okay.

- Is this all right? - Absolutely.

And here you go. Safe and sound.

- '65 Mustang. - Yeah.

Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.

It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.

- That’s a plane. - I didn’t know that.

Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.

No problem.

Listen,

if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,

Dispatch, they can get me. You know.

- Or we could just text each other. - Yeah.

- Yeah, give me your cell phone. - My cell?

Yeah, and I’ll punch my number in.

Left it in the casuals. You know what?

Just give me your number and I’ll remember it.

- Okay. Ready? - Yep.

- All right. 555… - Not yet. Just…

Now I’m ready.

- 555… - 555…

…01… …01…

…78. - Eight. Got it.

That’s it. It’s locked.

Great, so I’ll see you tonight at American Joe’s, right?

Yeah, I mean, everybody’s going, so…

- Yeah. …why not me, too? I’ll be…

Yeah, I’m there.

- Great. Bye. - Okay. Bye.

- Hey. - Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul.

Good to be here.

- Fun fact for you… - This place sucks.

- You want to get out of here? - No.

I’m sorry, what were you saying?

No, I was just saying that

the first American Joe’s actually opened its doors in 1972.

And most people, because of its service and theme,

think that it’s derivative of Abe and Louie’s, but it’s not.

It’s its own thing.

You really know a lot of facts, Paul.

Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria’s Secret.

Well, I don’t hit women,

- so I don’t even know what… - Yeah. Just minivans, right?

Hey, why don’t you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?

- I’ll meet you over there. - Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?

- 'Cause Stuart’s buying. - No, no, no. They’re good. They’re good.

- So… They’re good. - Okay.

Hey, listen, I… We’re basically already together, so…

I wasn’t… I didn’t even realize that.

- And I was… I wouldn’t… Doing anything. - Yeah.

I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.

- Okay? - I got it.

I mean, it’s not like you really had a chance, okay?

Security guard? Really.

But you’re a pen salesman, dude.

Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.

All right, bro. Back off. You know, we’re all just here having fun.

Okay, bro.

What?

Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.

Security blood runs deep between�� Yeah, let’s just go.

- Round six. - Let’s do this thing.

- Gentlemen ready? - No.

Not yet. Now I’m ready. Okay.

And, go!

Leon, I can’t give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.

I know.

Told you, boy. You better hurry up.

There you go. Nachos in my face.

Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.

Oh, my God. Oh, that’s a hot pepper.

Nachos are good, man.

Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.

You’re lagging behind.

Come on, Paul. Playing games.

I love these nachos, I’ll tell you that much.

- That lemonade is insane. - Yeah, Paul.

- That’s because it’s a margarita. - No. I don’t drink.

Twist it.

Feel the nub.

- Hey, you want some? Here. - Yeah.

You want fruit?

Bye! You blinked! You blinked.

Time to pluck the grape from the vine.

Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.

Coming on the left.

False alarm.

Told my mom everything about us.

What are you talking about?

You’re acting coy. Come on. It’s natural.

You know. You so know.

No, I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t know.

Snap. Pop goes the weasel.

So happy!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I believe in magic!

No way!

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, dear.

It’s fine, Ma.

- Hey, Dad, why don’t we check for matches? - Yes.

Yeah, I don’t think so, sweetheart. I think I’m just gonna turn in.

Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?

I don’t think so, Ma. It’s fine.

If something’s gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.

But that would probably… You know.

You know, if you’re doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.

But it… Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.

Maya. Hey.

Dad. I’m so sorry.

It’s okay.

There are other fish in the sea.

You just gotta keep looking.

And it doesn’t matter what you do.

Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,

all bets are off.

If it doesn’t work out, you’ll always have us.

I’m sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn’t hear a word you were saying.

You just have to…

Is that a tattoo?

I… Yeah, yeah, it is.

When did you get it?

- I got it last night. - What is it?

It’s the Loch Ness monster.

I don’t drink.

- Hey. - Hi.

That was

a little weird the other night, huh?

Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.

Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?

You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.

And what happens is the capillaries…

Yeah, look. A lot of people…

Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.

And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.

I just… I guess what I’m asking is that you don’t.

Okay. You know, I’m sorry, I’ve just…

I’ve gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I’m…

No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?

- Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or… - Okay.

- Yeah. - I can do that. I can do that.

You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.

I can’t believe you don’t have a cell phone.

I’m not about all this technology, Vijay.

I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.

300 bucks?

I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.

Paul, you’ve always been a straight shooter, so I’ll tell you what.

Why don’t you take my daughter Parisa’s phone?

- No, I can’t do that. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I’m punishing her.

No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,

she went over her minutes.

When and if she decides to turn her life around, I’ll simply take it back.

Until then, you use it.

- Thanks. - Sure.

- Stay within the minutes. - Of course.

Hey. It’s too late to go in that way, guys. It’s closed.

- No one’s going in there. - Yeah. I think we are.

Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.

Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.

“The Devil’s Crotch.”

Feel the burn, baby.

- Thanks, Leon. - Get back at me, man.

- Loading dock’s ready. - Got it.

Yeah.

You need a pen, don’t you?

You know what? No, I’m good.

- I’ll just use one of their pens. - Yeah, you do.

Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.

- That’s stunning. - Yeah, I know.

How would you like to sign your name with this panther?

You know what? More than anything.

- Yeah, that’d be great. - Here. Yeah.

It’s yours. I insist.

Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Don’t you just love Fridays?

- Yeah. - Best night of the week.

Yeah.

- Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey.

Paul. Paul, can you help me out?

I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.

There’s a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.

Could you close up the arcade for me?

- Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson. - Okay.

- You okay? You seem a little down. - Yeah, I’m fine.

You know, video game might cheer you right up.

Nah, I’m on duty.

Welcome to the games!

Get set.

Go.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.

Game over.

We are ready.

Let’s do this.

Attention shoppers.

Please make your way to the nearest exits.

Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.

- Everybody out! - Everybody out!

Everybody out, now!

You, too!

Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me…

I’m at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Hey, yo. Hey, there’s some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.

- I’m out of here. - Everybody on the floor!

Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.

What are you doing? Get down.

Oh, my God.

Surprised? I know.

But here’s the craziest part.

I’m the leader.

Reports are, they’re inside the bank and they got hostages.

This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.

See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.

Let’s get all these civilians out of here.

See if we can gain access into the loading dock.

- Go. - I’m on it. 94, move 'em out.

Hello?

Feeling alive?

I’m sorry?

Parisa.

She makes you feel alive, doesn’t she?

This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I’m not with Parisa.

My name’s Paul Blart.

Parisa’s dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.

Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.

You are probably sweating over her right now.

I’m not lying.

I mean, I am sweaty, but I’m not sweating over anyone.

That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.

Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.

Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.

Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.

I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.

Wow. Them’s some heavy words, Paul Blart.

Hey, life is heavy.

Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?

So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,

call up my friend Sameer Oh?

Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.

Wait a second. How’d you know I was at the mall?

I track Parisa’s phone with GPS. Don’t you judge me.

Closing time already.

Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.

Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.

And 15 for you.

Okay.

Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store’s credit-card machine.

They change every day, so make sure

that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.

Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.

Perfect.

Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

And these little piggies went all the way home.

Do it.

Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.

Hey, everyone. A couple requests.

Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,

give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.

You do all these things… Well, you’ll be back at home in no time.

Back to your mediocre lives.

- I don’t have one. - Amy.

I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.

You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.

What do you say?

Go to hell.

Ouch.

Hey, Stewie, you don’t mind that I’m hitting on your girlfriend, do you?

What? No. She’s not my girlfriend.

But I specifically heard you say that you two were “basically together.”

No. I didn’t say that we were together. I said that she’s into leather.

Have at it. If you…

God, you’re an idiot.

Hello?

This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.

- Who am I speaking with? - Hi.

Yeah, well, so here’s the deal.

As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,

so if you wanna enter my mall,

you might as well bring at least six body bags.

He’s drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.

See if we can tap into the security cameras.

Now look, no one’s gonna try and enter the mall.

Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?

Oh, man. This dude doesn’t deviate from the book at all.

You know, since you’re asking, I would love a Happy Meal,

you know, but… Make sure the toy is the sea monster,

'cause I already have the dragon.

Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?

Silence.

Hey, I’m sorry, mall’s closed,

but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.

Sweet mercy.

This is not happening, this is not happening, this is…

Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.

Now what are you trained to do?

Nothing.

Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.

Yo, we got a straggler.

- It’s a security guard. - What should we do?

I don’t know. Give up, I guess.

Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.

We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.

He says he’s a security officer in the mall.

Hey. Blart? He’s one of my guys.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.

The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.

I need you to exit the building immediately.

We don’t need any wild cards in this situation.

Copy that. Never been a wild card.

Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.

- Blart! Can we focus here, please? - Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.

Okay, okay. Come on, don’t die. Don’t die.

Blart.

Don’t pee. Don’t pee.

Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.

Amy.

What the hell is he doing? Come on!

- Paul, come on! - Paulie, come on!

- What’s he doing? - Come on, Blart!

Blart, come on!

- Let’s go! Move it! - Come on! Come on!

- Get out of there! - Come on!

Is he crying?

- I can’t leave her. - Where’s he going?

- Blart! - Where’s he going?

Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?

Blart, this is Brooks. What’s going on?

Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.

What oath? We don’t have an oath.

I sort of made up my own. It’s on a plaque in my room.

Listen, I think you’re making a big mistake.

SWAT’s on the way.

And I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, you’re untrained, you’re unarmed,

and let’s face it, son, you present a huge target.

With all due respect, sir, I can’t observe and report from the outside.

Over.

Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.

Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?

Send.

Got him.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!

Hold it together.

Heart of a warrior.

I missed lunch.

Thank you.

This isn’t happening, this is not happening.

Hey! Don’t make this hard.

You like that?

Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.

- Wow, Paul, you got one. - Yes.

But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just…

I put all my weight on her.

Oh, Paul.

No, no, no. She’s fine, she’s fine.

Well, good, let’s get you out of there.

No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.

What the heck is this?

Give me that.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.

Since you refuse to come out, I’m gonna need you to go into the bank

and find out where they’re holding the hostages.

With honor, sir.

Good to know.

Hey, I haven’t heard back from Donner or Vixen.

Okay. I’m calling an audible here, everyone.

And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.

Why don’t we just start wasting hostages? That’ll stop them.

Well, that’s one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.

I’m Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.

- We got a three-block perimeter… - Establish a perimeter

and get all these people out of here.

Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.

My men are gonna do it again, the right way.

Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?

- A Happy Meal and absolute silence. - Well, let’s make some noise.

I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.

Let’s tap into security now, and let’s get some visuals.

You can’t. They knocked out the video cameras.

I’ll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I’m in charge.

Brooks, I’m observing the bank now.

They got one assailant guarding the hostages.

There she is.

My, God. You are my angel pie.

Here come the love sweats.

Paul, your radio’s still on.

Roger that.

- What’s going on? Who is that? - We got a guy on the inside.

Don’t tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.

No, he’s neither. His name is Blart. He’s one of my security guards.

- Wait a minute. Blart? - Yeah.

- Paul Blart? - Yeah.

Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.

Blart.

This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.

We went to high school together. Remember?

I set you on fire at the pancake festival?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

Go Green Hawks.

Yeah, listen. I’ve got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.

At my command, we are retaking this location,

and there’s no way I’m compromising this mission so that some mall monitor

who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.

Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was “lunch” and “friend.”

Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?

Listen to me, Blart,

you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?

Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.

I’m gonna get a closer look.

Veck.

There he is!

- Everyone in the back room, now! - Come on, move, move!

Let’s get in the back, huh?

Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn’t get them out.

But I know who the leader is. It’s Veck.

Veck? The trainee?

- No. The brainee. - I don’t believe this.

I’ll pass it on to Howard.

Oh, God.

Trapped is fine by me.

Commence tanning. Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Yes!

Time for some big-game hunting.

Open, open, open! Thank God.

Oh, no.

Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

You better run.

- Rudolph, where are you? - I’m about to end this.

Amy, huh? What a coincidence.

We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.

- Strawberry blonde, actually. - Yeah?

Well, I guess I know who I’m killing first.

- Catch you later! - Yeah?

Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.

It’ll be over quick. She won’t feel a thing.

You aren’t gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.

Nobody wins with a head butt.

- Give me your cell phone. - I don’t have one.

What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.

I prefer handwritten sentiments.

Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?

They’re mine. I’m late for my shift at Foot Locker.

We’re getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.

Silence, my ass.

What’s the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,

you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?

If you don’t go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,

he’s gonna roll over on you all night long.

It’s all right. That’s not my style.

Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like…

Here.

This is what you been doing?

“Yeah, you and what army?”

- What’s wrong with that? - He has an army.

Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.

So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib

about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,

“Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked”?

And then… And then what? You guys all high-fived?

- Veck, this guard is… - Winning! I know this, because I am all set!

But sadly, no codes!

And I’d say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up

in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!

No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.

Give me a gun.

Put it down. Put it down.

What are you nodding about?

I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?

It isn’t coming, is it?

What?

This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.

You wanted to speak to me?

I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.

You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.

The easy way or the hard way.

That is such a tough call, but…

Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!

I’m Amy, by the way.

- Amy? From unbeWEAVEable? - Yeah.

I’m Maya. My father talked forever about you.

And I gotta say, he really does like you.

I’m gonna throw up.

Oh, that’s not so bad.

Oh, my God.

They’ve got his daughter.

- Dad? - Maya.

- Everything’s gonna be okay. - How’s your blood sugar?

Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m worried about you.

I love you. All right, now, I’m gonna get you all out.

You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?

I will. I’m a Blart, remember?

Yeah. I’ll see you soon.

I’m supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.

And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.

“If Veck gets the codes, he’s taking us to Cayman Islands”?

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.

Come and get me, Veck.

I got your codes for the credit-card machines.

- Yo, you hear that? That’s Paul, baby! - Blart?

That’s who’s been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.

Give me a radio.

Let me tell you something.

You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.

You seriously undermissed…

And you seriously…

Oh, no!

Blart?

Sugar. Sugar.

Blart? You there, Blart?

Hello, Blart. You there?

Hey, Blart!

I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you’re gonna give up.

How about now?

I’ll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.

Yeah, you heard me. Never!

All right, Dad.

Hey, fellas! You looking for me?

Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.

Follow me.

There he is.

We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.

Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,

“If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself.”

I’m paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.

Prancer, take the back.

Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?

Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?

Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.

No.

One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.

Comet! Don’t come back till he’s dead!

Brooks. Only one more left. Then it’s just me and Veck.

Okay, who’s talking to Blart?

Was it you, sugar mouth?

All right. Let’s try this again.

Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

It’s her phone, it’s hers. She’s talking to him.

She’s talking to him, and I told her not to. And it’s under her leg.

The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That’s good.

Okay.

That was close.

He is a pro.

Listen, Blart, time’s up. We’re busting in.

Wait! Look, Veck’s after the credit-card codes, and I got them.

Just give me a few minutes.

No problem.

Isn’t that cute?

- Hey, Amy. I’m on my way. - Oh, hey, Blart.

Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile

on lonelyloser.com.

“Likes morning rain, walks on the beach.”

Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?

I was just speaking from the heart.

Yeah, well, I didn’t have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.

You’re so pathetic.

Trippy.

This I can use.

What do you want, Veck?

I just want the $30 million that I came here for.

But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.

You touch them, I swear I’ll end you.

What’re you gonna do, Paul?

You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,

which you and I both know you don’t?

- I could. - You’re not gonna do squat.

The next time I see you, Paul, I’m gonna put a bullet in your head.

I don’t think so. I’m taking you down.

Blart!

Oh, Blart.

Sweet mercy.

I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.

- Too tight! - This is not happening.

- It’s not happening. - Come on.

Bravo. That was awesome.

And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.

- It’s not over yet. - Yeah, I think it is.

Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,

you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.

You think I’m gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the…

- Yello? - Peanut Blart and Jelly.

What’s up, man? So good to hear your voice.

Yeah, it’s good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.

Listen, I’m gonna have to call you back.

- What? When? - I don’t know when. I’ll talk to you later.

Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!

I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.

I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.

I mean, you can’t pass the trooper exam,

you black out if you don’t have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,

you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.

Again, like you always do. Ain’t that right, Maya?

What do you want me to say, Veck? You’re smarter than me.

You’re good on computers, you kept your weight under control.

I mean, people, they look at me and you, and…

Yeah, it’s a landslide.

It’s no contest.

Sorry.

Right now, you’re the man with the gun.

So here you go.

Come on!

Go get him!

Go, Dad.

What…

Probably should have capitalized on that.

Dad!

Lock and load, boys. We’re going in.

Hey, we’re on the move.

Let’s go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Paul. Think, Paul. Think!

Let’s go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.

Get down!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

Down. The other one. That’s the back one.

No, no. That’s the same one. No! The other one!

Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.

Entry team, clear the mall. We’ll pursue.

Light.

Open the door.

Let’s do this.

Jimmy, give me your cell phone.

Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You’re really taking care of business.

What up?

Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa’s cell phone?

You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?

I need to know where it’s headed.

Paul, it looks like they’re on their way to McGuire Airfield.

I know where that is. Thanks.

Hang on.

My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.

What?

Here we go! Here we go!

That was me. I can’t…

Here I go! No!

Blart!

Don’t do it! Blart!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Maya! Maya, get inside.

- Oh, God! - Dad!

Paul?

I really don’t drink.

Come on. Oh, yeah?

- Dad! - Come on.

Dad!

Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.

I told you I’d take you down.

Blart!

Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.

I hope you don’t mind if I use one.

What?

- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.

I guess it’s off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?

Soon as I get my money.

Yeah, well, you’ll be needing this.

Just give it to him, Dad.

Oh, I will. Suck on that!

Okay. Situation update?

We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

- Great. Nobody talks to them but me. - Yes, sir.

You see, jackass? I don’t need the phone.

'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.

Now, I kill you three, there’ll be no witnesses.

And since everybody thinks this was a bank…

I got a newsflash for you. Your flight’s been canceled.

That’s better than anything I got.

You did good, Dad.

Yeah, I am pretty great.

You know, she doesn’t need a green card.

I don’t know what to say.

I have something I want to say to you.

Happy birthday, Amy.

I heard you applied to be a state trooper.

You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.

Thank you, sir. But I think I’m gonna stick with what I do best.

It’s protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Special thanks

Submitted by : @ask-rubeus-hagrid

Al: i”M CRYING YES DANNY YES

[kxmberlyhart]

Title: The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

Summary: "Trini sighed and was about to swipe left because she wasn’t interested in looking for love right now. Tinder is just… Tinder. It’s all just a game to her. 

That is until she accidentally swipes up.

'You Super Liked Kimberly!'"

-

Trimberly Week: Day 1: Coffee shop, college, fake dating au

ps. there’s more social media au edits if you read this mess of a story :)

Read @ ao3 (formatting might be a little better?)

D a y 1: Coffee shop, college, fake dating au.

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left. Wait, is that the hot girl who sits in front of me from Environmental Bio class?

Trini lays in bed staring at her phone for a little while, examining the picture on her screen. Tinder app currently displaying the hot girl that sits in front of her in Env Biology class. The girl who asks and answer a lot of questions during class, a beauty and brains girl, no doubt.

Trini knew her name because she was a gay mess when she saw her sit in front of her the first day of class, waiting for the girl’s name to be called. Kimberly Hart. They’ve talked before. “Can I borrow your pencil?” but Kimberly never returned it.

Tinder is just a game to her though. Trini wasn’t desperate or interested to find love at the moment that she has to resort online dating apps to find someone for her, it’s just for fun. It’s a trend that people are doing and there isn’t really any harm in what she’s doing.

Until the girl from Biology appears on her screen.

Kimberly, 20

University of California 2 miles away

UC. Pre-Med student, part-time model. Swimming and Diving Team Captain. California girl, born and raised. Adventure is out there.

Trini looked at Kimberly’s four pictures:

A simple close up picture of her in a daydream state. It features her face which pretty much says it all, profile picture worthy most definitely.

A group photo with two boys right next to her, all of them wearing Anaheim Angels gear, “Ew she likes Angels. Go Dodgers!” Trini thinks to herself, flicking to the next picture.

A professional model picture that captured Trini’s attention, raising her eyebrow in delight, a smile smile twisting her lips upwards.

Finally, a fucking black and white photo that that just killed Trini’s ovaries because holy hell this girl is hot.

Trini presses the lock button and home button of her phone four times, taking a screenshot of each picture.

Seeing that this Kimberly Hart person from the bio appeared on her tinder, it means that her preference is women (or both men and women, but Trini doesn’t care). Trini went back to the home screen of Tinder.

Trini sighed and was about to swipe left because she wasn’t interested in looking for love right now. Tinder is just… Tinder. It’s all just a game to her.

That is until she accidentally swipes up.

You Super Liked Kimberly!

Trini threw her phone as far as she can in her dorm room and hits the wall as she gasped with her eyes wide open, hands frozen in front of her then bringing them to clutch her hair. Panic spread everywhere, ready to pretty much rip her hair and insides until she is dead.

“FUCK!” Trini yells, getting up from her bed and pacing back and forth. “Fuck…” Trini repeats but nothing is helping. “FUCK!” Trini’s palms closes and opens as she breathes in an out to calm herself.

Trini makes her way towards her phone to check if any of it broke. Luckily, nothing is broken but the screen still showed that Trini super liked Kimberly. She exits the app and free falls back into her bed.

“Shit. What the fuck do I do?” Trini lays down on her bed for a solid ten minutes just staring at the ceiling. “Shit!” Trini sits up, “I have class with her tomorrow” Trini cussed then whispered the herself.

Trini reopened the app and looked at her own Tinder profile.

Trini, 20 University of California

Environmental Biology major. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell I’m 5 feet. Fucking fight me.

“I think I’m gonna nap and just never wake up” Trini crawls on her bed, grabbing the covers and pulling it over her head. Her head drops face first into the pillow, she didn’t breath until she ran out of oxygen.

Trini clenched the pillow and pulled it further into her face and just yelled, “FUUUUUUUUCK!”

Later than night Trini gets ready for bed when she opened her phone and a notification from Tinder appeared.

Congratulations! You have a new match!

“What the fuck” Trini asks as she opens the notification and waits for the app to open.

It’s a Match!

Kimberly Super Liked you!

Then two bubbles with their profile picture side by side.

“Holy shit”

—

Trini lays still in bed, current time: 6:50 AM. Awake an hour earlier than her usual time and she has three hours to get ready before biology with Kimberly. It’s basically killing her inside as time passes by as she doesn’t know how they will interact.

Trini grabs her phone from her nightstand and her heart stops as she sees a notification from Tinder. There could only be one person.

Kimberly sent you a new message

It was date marks at 1:23 AM, meaning Trini was already asleep at that time when Kimberly sent a message.

Kimberly: Hi! So we matched. You’re in Environmental Bio with me right?

Trini debated with herself whether she should respond or not. Of course she should respond, she’s going to have to face this girl in a couple hours. Socializing. Not Trini’s speciality.

Trini: Hi. Yeah.

“Good enough” Trini gets up from her bed and heads to her closet to grab some clothes and off to the shower she goes. Since she woke up really early, it’s probably best to grab some coffee before class to calm her nerves a little bit.

Once Trini got out of the shower, she heard her phone ring and she opens it up to see another notification from Tinder.

Kimberly: We super liked each other and all I get is “Hi. Yeah.” ? Kimberly: It’s probably better to talk in person, yeah? Kimberly: See you in enviro bio later ;)

The wink face killed Trini. She sits down on her bed for a moment then she smiles to herself, unbelieving that she actually managed to find a girl. On top of that, one of the hottest girls she had ever seen in her life.

Trini gets dressed, time check, 8:02 AM, two hours before class. She heads for the campus coffee shop to grab some coffee and catch up on some reading that she had ignored this previous week.

Trini grabs a plain black coffee and heads to the counter where all the milk and sugar are. Filling the cup to the top with milk and adding three packets of sugar. After stirring gently, she takes a sip to see if it’s to her liking, finding it a little bitter, she adds a little bit more milk and one more packet of sugar.

“You sure do like your coffee sweet and creamy, huh?” Trini looks to her left after the person had spoken, finding herself standing next to Kimberly. She stood there with messy, wet hair, assuming she just finished swim and dive practice.

“Uh… Kimberly…” Trini backs up a bit and she hits a person using the counter as well. She spills her full cup of coffee in front of her and Kimberly.

“Ow, ow, ouch” Kim takes her top and pulls it away from the hot liquid that just spilled and Trini does the same, placing her now half cup of coffee on the counter.

“Oh, no,” Trini grabs the napkins and dabs it on Kim’s shirt. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I’m a…” Trini stops then mumbles “gay mess”

“Hey, Trini, right? Easy,” Kimberly says grabbing Trini’s hands to stop her from panicking even further. “It’s okay, I was gonna head home anyway, I always head home after practice.”

“I’m so sorry, Kimberly” Trini mumbles under her breath but Kimberly caught on and smiled at the smaller girl. A finger landed on Trini’s chin and lifted up and she was faced with Kimberly once again.

“It’s okay. Look, my dorm is close by, we can clean up there. I live at the Riverside dorms”

“I live at the Orange dorms. Opposite side of the campus from you” Trini grabs napkins and leans down and cleans up the spill of coffee that was on the ground.

Kimberly does the same, “Ok, my dorm is closer to our class so let’s just go there” Kimberly gets up and throws the dirty napkins away. It’s not that Trini’s scared to go with a stranger to their dorm, it’s more on she’s scared she’s going to Kimberly Hart’s dorm. “I’m not a murderer or anything like that, I promise. Just trust me.”

“Is this how you get all the girls?” Trini teased a little, even as a gay mess she managed to get that one out.

“Just the really cute who’s a gay mess” Kim smirks.

—

“So I didn’t clean prior so excuse the mess” Kimberly twists her door open and Trini entered Kimberly’s dorm. She lives alone just like Trini but Kimberly’s dorm was more high end than Trini’s. A studio type dorm with bigger moving space, a clear living room area, and a kitchen of her own.

Trini saw a bunch of plates stacks on the sink, a couple of clothing thrown around the room. Kim made haste to grab the clothing on the floor and shove them into the closet.

“You have a nice place, Kimberly” Trini says, actually attempting to make conversation, still looking around the room. Everything is nice. All of Kimberly’s items looks like it’s pretty expensive. Trini sits down on the comfy couch watching Kimberly attempt to hide her mess.

“It’s nothing. Also, you can call me Kim. I have a bunch of shirt you can borrow but since you spilled coffee on me, I get to chose what shirt you wear”  Kim starts rummaging through her closet, not that Trini minded until she pulls out a familiar red shirt.

“No.” Trini groans when she saw the logo. A red shirt with a big letter A with a halo. “You cannot make me wear Anaheim Angels gear. I’m too proud of a Los Angeles Dodgers fan. I’ll just head home and change, it’s not far.”

“Come on. You spilled coffee on me, wearing this is your apology,” Kim holds the shirt by its shoulders and pushed it towards Trini. “Plus, if you wear this today I’ll like you a lot more”

Trini is at crossroads with herself. The girl or her loyalty to her favorite baseball team.

When is she ever gonna get another chance with a girl like this?

“Fine” Trini takes the shirt into her hand and heads for the bathroom. A small grimace at the shirt she’s holding up but she has to stay strong for the girl. Trini looks at the mirror and takes off her coffee stained shirt and puts on the Angels shirt. “Ew. I’m sorry, Dodgers” Trini steps out and shows Kim her shirt.

Kim smiles as she picks up clothing that she herself needs to wear. “Looks good, I’m going to shower really quick because I smell like chlorine. Hang back and don’t ditch me okay?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, princess”

“Princess?”

“I mean if that’s okay”

Kim smiles at the nickname that she already received, “Completely fine”

—

It’s been a whole week since the two met online. Trini started waking up a little earlier to meet up with Kim at the campus coffee shop every Monday and Wednesday mornings. After grabbing their cup of coffee, they would head to Kim’s apartment where Kim would shower and Trini would just sit on Kim’s couch and browse her phone. Then they would head to class before 10 AM then after class that’s it. They would usually text about themselves to get to know each other better but their relationship right now is basically friendship even though they know there’s something there between them.

They haven’t planned any kind of date yet. The only dates they were having are their campus coffee shop dates and that’s barely a date.

Trini feels a hand grab hers as they walked towards Kim’s dorm, unconsciously wrapping her own hand on Kim’s. Trini looks down at their now intertwined hands then up at a smiling Kim.

“Is this okay?” Kim asks, squeezing Trini’s hand slightly. “I mean… we’re kind of dating, right? Like we haven’t gone on our first date but we’re dating, right?”

“Yeah, I like to think we are” Trini looks down and smiles to herself because this entire thing just feels so right.

“Good because I really like hanging out with you” The two reaches the Riverside building and Kim presses the elevator for them to the fifth floor. “And if you’re free next Thursday,” Kim lets go of Trini’s hand and pulls out two tickets from the pocket of her bag. “I got us tickets to the Angels vs. Dodgers game”

Trini looks at the tickets, official tickets to the game at the Dodgers stadium. “Wow, uhm… are you sure our first date should be a baseball game where we support rival teams?”

“Come on. I know you’re a big baseball fan, I’m not that big of a fan. My friends are huge fans and I go with them every once in a while. This baseball rivalry is not going to ruin our relationship” Kim waves the two tickets in front of Trini with a hopeful smile on her face, “What do you say? First date? Don’t dodge this, dodger” Kim laughed slightly at her own joke.

“Alright, it’s a date” Trini laughs at the witty joke Kim just said. The two reached their floor and Kim opened her dorm room and let themselves inside.

“Can I tell you something? It’s a funny story and it led me to this really great girl, actually” Trini bites her lip as she closed the door behind her. “I use tinder to just look at girls… I always swipe left on everyone even if they’re cute. When I saw you on Tinder, I looked at your pictures and all, as I was about to swipe left, I accidentally super liked you…”

Kim let out a laugh at the silly story, the story that basically started it all. “You said this girl is really great? You like her a lot?” Kim steps forward and takes Trini’s hand in hers, never breaking eye contact.

“I like her a lot”

“I like you a lot too” Kim runs her hand up and cups Trini’s jaw, Kim leans in and kisses Trini’s cheek. “I don’t kiss before the first date”

“You just did”

“I mean on the lips”

“Does that mean i get to kiss you after the game?” Trini smiles up, getting up on her tippy toes and leaning slightly forward to tease Kim.

“Hmm,” Kim smirks and pulls back, “If the Angels win, you can kiss me. If not, you can kiss my ass”

Trini gasps as she pushes Kim slightly away, both of them laughing. “Wow, I can’t believe you. You are the death of me, Kimberly Hart. Making me double cross my team again.”

—

Kim wore her white and red Angels jersey along with an Angels cap while Trini wore her white and blue Dodgers jersey accompanied by a Dodgers cap. The two sat on their seats, sharing a large Dr. Pepper, popcorn, and a hotdog.

Baseball—it’s a fairly uneventful game. There’s a lot of talking going on in the background until the batter hits the ball, then all eyes are on the field seeing the event that unfolds to score a point.

Trini had to admit that a baseball game for a date is actually pretty nice. They both get to talk about themselves, their hands intertwined majority of the time, laugh together, and catch a game that they both enjoy, despite the team rivalry.

Kim laughs every time the Dodgers scored, Trini would jump up her seat and yell along with the rest of the Dodgers fans. Then, Kim would snicker at Trini’s grumbling face every time the Angels scored, planting a kiss on Trini’s cheek to lift her spirits up.

At the end of the game, 3-2 match, meaning the Dodgers wins and Trini was sufficiently happy. They stayed in their seats for a while, waiting for the crowd to thin. They walked out of the stadium hand in hand, they switched hats sometimes during the game, like star crossed lovers amongst their fellow fans.

“So, Dodgers won. That means I don’t get to kiss you” The two arrived at Kim’s car, parking near the streetlight of the almost empty parking lot.

Before Kim unlocked her car, she looks at Trini and saw the smile fade into a small disappointed pout. Kim walks to Trini and grabs her jaw and leans forward to capture her lips. Trini kisses back, her feet tippy toed, hands slowly wrapping around Kim’s waist. Kim pushed her arms to wrap around Trini’s neck.

Their bodies moving closer and Trini’s body slowly sandwiched between Kim and the side of Kim’s car.

A long beeping sound and a bunch of wolf whistles broke them apart. They looked to where the ruckus was coming from. A bunch of guys with their heads hanging out the window and catcalling the two girls kissing.

“Fuck off, assholes” Kim yelled and Trini gave the guys the middle finger. They heard a roar of laughter and eventually they drove off.

“Well that happened” Trini giggled and dropped her head on the top of Kim’s chest, snuggling for warmth and comfort that Kim provided. “I really like kissing you” Trini mumbles into Kim’s shirt. “I really like you…” Trini continued, “Even if you’re an Angels fan” Trini looks up and giggles at Kim.

“And I really like you too… Look at you, hitting first base” Kim leans forward, their noses touching.

“Wow, baseball jokes, witty”

Kim drove Trini to her dorm, kissing her goodnight at the car, almost not wanting to pull back. "Message me when you get to your place?" Trini smiles, pulling back from the kiss, only to receive another kiss.

"Of course"

Trini sits on her bed once she gets to her dorm, taking off the Angels hat that rests on her head and smiling at the eventful first date she just had with an amazing woman. Smiling to herself, still unbelieving that any of today had just happened.

Trini opens her snapchat and checks the snaps that she and Kim had sent to their story.

Kim: Keep the hat. It's a prize for Dodgers winning ;) Trini: Not sure if I wanna keep an Angels hat. Trini: Kinda have a reputation to keep Trini: But bc you're pretty i'll hold on to it Kim: Pretty girl is flattered. Thanks for today, I had a lot of fun. Coffee tomorrow morning? Trini: ofc. Goodnight princess. Kim: goodnight Angel :x

—

“I didn’t understand the entire lesson at all” Kim groans at she exits the class with Trini by her side.

“I kinda get it, I have to read the chapter again to understand even further” Trini says, grabbing on to Kim’s arm and snuggling with it. “Can we study at your place?”

“Of course”

The two walked back to Kim’s dorm. They’ve been dating for the past two months and everything is well. A normal routine of seeing each other every day of the week. Trini wakes up even earlier to grab coffee for the both of them, heads to the pool where Kim trains every morning. Trini would then hand Kim her coffee and both make their way to Kim’s dorm.

With Trini grabbing coffee in the morning for them, it adds time for them to spend together. They grab breakfast sometimes, they hang lazily, they cram their environmental biology lessons before the quiz or test, or they make out. On weekends they often run errands, go on dates, Kim sometimes have competition, Trini makes sure to support her girlfriend. Often Kim is helping her friend, Jason with his photography project and is often the muse. Trini would be sitting in the sideline watching at Kim gets pampered for her mini shoot with Jason, just watching at how beautiful her girlfriend is.

Making out is both their favorite activities. Trini would often just be lying down on Kim’s bed while Kim takes a shower. The next thing she knows, Kim is crawling on the bed and kissing Trini.

“And deleted” Trini drops her phone on the bed and looks over at Kim doing the same thing. They both had just deactivated their Tinder accounts and deleted the app. Both haven’t logged back in the app since they both met and have no intention of ruining just the most perfect relationship they both have been.

“Okay, so tell me what you learned during class and teach it to me” Kim flops on her bed in front of Trini with her textbook and notes open, a bunch of pens, pencils, and highlighters scattered around but only the pink and yellow highlighter used.

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”

“Oh God, I cannot believe you, you nerd” Kim sits up and faces Trini. “I remember looking at your Tinder profile and saying how big of a bad ass nerd this chick is”

“I told you, I never took Tinder seriously. It was honestly to turn girls off but I managed to lure your nerdy ‘I’m a smart ass pre-med student and I’m going to be a doctor’ ass” Trini scoffs and laughs, looking down at her textbook and attempting to read the chapter.

Kim just stares at her girlfriend. Scooting a bit more to Trini and wrapping an arm around Trini’s shoulders. Her nerdy, Dodger loving, succulent caretaker, adorable, small girlfriend. “I love you”

Trini looks up from her book and directly into Kim’s sincere eyes. “What?”

“I love you, Trini Gomez” Kim closed her eyes and laughs to herself, bringing her hands together while still holding Trini. “I’m so glad you accidentally ‘Super Liked’ me. I am hopelessly in love with you”

Kim pushes herself up on the bed until she’s forehead to forehead with Trini. Trini smiles, hearing some pens fall off the bed. “I love you too, Kimberly Hart. I’m so happy you actually ‘Super Liked’ me.” Trini releases a giant grin, still unbelieving that this woman actually ‘Super Liked’ her and is now her girlfriend.

Trini feels Kim’s lips on hers and she believes.

--

Notes:

AN: Los Angeles Dodgers and Anaheim Angels both play for the MLB. They’re only about 30 mins to an hour away from each other in the Los Angeles vicinity so a lot of people root for their team when they go up against each other. Also, they go to University of California (probably UCLA but it's a fake UC), I didn’t specify which because I don’t want to research that much into it. So fake UC school! Yay!

So I had a Tinder way back when it was popular just for fun because my friends had it for fun. I haven’t used it in forever so I re downloaded it for science (just for u guys, I deleted it again). I hope you guys enjoyed! And enjoyed the pictures I made as well!

Enjoy the rest of Trimberly week! This is the only work I have done so far and hopefully I find the motivation to write more.

[magicalthoughtsendinterriblefics]

Ice, Ice, Baby - Request

Requested by anons: Can you make one where you have a fear of water because you were traumatized when you fell through the ice in a rink, but you fall into water one day and out of fear you start drowning. cas goes in to get you. He wraps his trench coat around you and holds you until you stop feeling scared and shaking.  - Can you write one where you get wet and your shirt turns see through but you're oblivious to it but cas notices and put his trench coat around you! And just more fluff like him lightly scolding you to be more careful. -Can you write one where cas falls in love with the reader without even realizing it and Dean and Sam help cas flirt with her after he goes for help. But the reader already likes him! They both tell each other after cas saves her during a hunt and there's a lot of awkward cas and fluff!! -The reader and Castiel are caught being cute and cuddly and he awkwardly explains that they are in a relationship

Pairing: Castiel x reader

Word count: 2,675

Warnings: Un-edited.

A/N: I’m back, bitches! PS. I hope this is awkward enough. :v

Enjoy!

The cold air of winter hit Castiel’s vessel, and although the angel couldn’t feel it, he knew it was cold enough to freeze a common human. He was admiring his father’s creation once again. It was unbelievable the amounts of time he could remain still on a park bench, watching people come and go, without getting tired of it.

Every human had a story, and they all behaved accordingly without even knowing it. Castiel knew all of their stories, and so he observed them with detainment, trying to figure out which aspect of their personality got affected by which event from their past without recurring to his angelic powers.

He also stared at the frozen lake a few feet away from him. He knew there were fish underneath, and he knew every chemical process that nature did to freeze said lake. He admired its glimmer under the clear sunlight, which was almost as white as the snow that fell around him.

The ambience was calm, peaceful, and perfect for an inner reflexion or a meditation. The giggles of the little children playing with snowballs, and the old men feeding the birds, and the young couples running through the snow in an attempt to warm up, it was all so pure Castiel had to take his time to embrace all of those sounds and imagery to make sure he was actually enjoying it. After all, he loved human kind with all his might, and so he wished to keep every little detail in his memoirs.

Love, his love to humanity could have been described in many ways – some more poetic than others – but Castiel had decided a while ago to make it as simple as he could by resuming his love for humanity in one single individual.

“(Y/N)?” Dean asked with a dumbfounded grin on his face.

“Yes, I believe that is her name.” The angel replied, squinting as usual.

“Dude.” Dean chuckled and punched Castiel in the shoulder.

“What was that for, dude?” The angel asked, trying to sound like Dean.

“She’s hot.” Dean admitted, “Like really hot.”

“I am aware of human’s temperature, but I wouldn’t consider it hot compared to…” Sam cackled at Castiel’s response.

“He means she’s… You know…” Sam tried to explain with strange hand gestures.

“Hot.” Dean insisted.

The angel squinted even deeper, alternating his gaze between the two brothers.

“Never mind.” Sam chuckled, and then, as if they had rehearsed it, both brothers dragged Castiel to the nearest couch and they sat down; Sam on his left side and Dean on his right side.

“How are you planning to make your move?” Dean asked.

“My move?” Castiel inquired.

“Yes, how are you planning to approach?” Sam said.

“I never thought of that.” The angel confessed.

“Poor angel…” Dean clicked his tongue, “Now, hunters are one thing, but huntresses… Chicks like them are tough, so you want to say the right thing or else…”

“Or else what?”

“They chop your pretty feathers.” Dean answered.

“My feathers can’t be chopped.” Castiel replied in utter confusion.

“The point is,” Sam spoke, “that you have to flirt with her in order to make her fall in love with you.”

“Yeah, and don’t pull that ‘I know your past’ trick because she will punch you.” Dean continued.

“But I do know her past.” Castiel remarked.

“We know you do.” Sam said.

“And she knows too.” Dean added, “Just don’t bring it back and you’ll be fine.”

“It’s not as bad as you think, she…” The Winchesters bursted in noise.

“We don’t want to know.” Sam stated and Castiel shut his mouth close.

“So… How do I flirt with her?”

The brothers hadn’t told him when to flirt with her, and so Castiel was always prepared in case the situation happened. They did tell him to make sure she had her guard down, just so her response wasn’t as tough as it could be if he flirted with her while she was upset or worse: hungry.

Castiel was there, trying to compare his love for humanity to his love for (Y/N) while she and the boys hunted down a witch. It was probably not the best moment, but then again, it was always the right moment to think of her (mostly because Castiel always wanted to think of her and only her).

The light in the sun was almost as clear as her soul, and the white of the snow resembled him of her teeth. The few roses growing near the trees were damasked like her cheeks, and the cold wind was as refreshing as a simple conversation with her.

He was dragged out of his mind when a screeching noise got to his ears. It was (Y/N), and she was in trouble. Castiel stood up, without any hesitation, and started looking for her with his gaze. She was in the middle of the frozen lake, and she had fallen into a whole that the witch had burnt just to get rid of her.

Castiel knew he couldn’t zap himself next to her because loads of people were watching – disadvantages of hunting during the day – so he proceeded to slide all the way to her side.

“Help! Help!” The little girl shouted, praying that someone would hear her. She had fallen into the ice rink of the park while playing alone. There was no one there to supervise her, and she was starting to freeze in that dirty, cold water.

“Help!” She cried once more, feeling the water invading her nostrils and mouth. She could no longer scream as loud as she could the first moments, and she was feeling tired. Her tiny body gave up to cold waves, accepting her future, when a person took her out.

She had no idea who that person was, or how they got her out of the ice rink, but she was safe and traumatized for life. She was afraid of water now, and not even all of the therapy in the world could stop that.

The angel couldn’t help but to receive those images as he made his way towards her. He was an angel, after all, and that was part of his talent. It was a great way to develop empathy for every human being.

-

(Y/N) felt her feet freeze, unable to keep moving them for very much longer. Her past fears, the demons she had buried inside her unconscious mind, were finally rising and killing her faster than the cold water would.

She was frightened. The ice around her was to slippery to help her climb back up to the surface, and the cold water was numbing her limbs so quickly that she knew she would freeze to death in a matter of minutes. Her fear was dangerous; she was drowning, unable to fight for her life because the fear had her tied with an invisible rope of weakness. She couldn’t do much; just accept her faith like she did when she was a child.

The flashbacks invaded her mind as she re-lived them once again in her adult life. She saw the light of the outside reflecting over the water she was drowning in, as her lungs got filled with water and her whole circulatory system failed to work. She was finally finishing what had started many years ago when she was just a child.

But just like it happened in the past, a mysterious man dragged her out of the water as she lost consciousness.

-

Castiel had her wet body laying over his lap. He knew he had to pretend to be giving her CPR so people didn’t speculate. So he pressed his lips against hers as he used his angel powers to heal her just enough to make it credible.

(Y/N)’s eyes opened as she coughed the water out of her lungs. Her face recovered the rosy tone of her cheeks, and her whole body started functioning once again. She was shocked, unable to talk or act, so she simply allowed her head to fall on Castiel’s chest, looking for comfort.

The angel wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly as he low-key continued to heal her.

“I’m glad you’re fine.” He whispered.

“I fell and…” She couldn’t formulate a coherent sentence.

“I know.” The angel nodded and pulled slightly away, just enough to leave a soft peck over one of her temples. The huntress leaned closer to his contact, and Castiel took that as his cue. “Are you still cold?” She nodded. Castiel moved and took his trench coat off; that was when he noticed her shirt had turned see through.

Without a second thought, the angel covered her with the trench coat, and awkwardly scolded her out of the lake area to keep her from the curious’ eyes.

“Thanks.” She trembled.

“It’s always a pleasure to help you, gorgeous.” Castiel winked as he guided her to a separate part of the park in order to zap her safely to the hotel room. He was trying really hard not to stare at her see-through shirt that was still a bit visible from under the trench coat.

“Since when do you call me gorgeous?” She giggled. Castiel froze for a second.

“Since today.” He stated and then, without any further comment, he zapped them to the hotel.

(Y/N) fell to the floor half a second after reaching the hotel. It was always hard for humans to zap, and (Y/N) was too weak then. Castiel punished himself mentally for exposing her like that and then placed her in bed. She was still wrapped around his trench coat.

“Cas…” She begged, “Can you please stay with me?”

“Yes.” The angel nodded and tried to imitate what humans call “cuddling”. (Y/N) nuzzled over his chest and closed her eyes. The angel could feel her shaking by his side, and he could tell she would get a cold if he didn’t heal her.

“(Y/N) please let me heal you.” Castiel begged.

“No, you’ve done enough.” She smiled at him, “Just hug me, and I’ll be fine.”

The angel nodded awkwardly and hugged her as requested. (Y/) fell asleep in his arms, and the angel couldn’t contain himself and decided to sneak inside her mind for a little while.

-

She was standing at the edge of the lake. The witch was nowhere to be seen, and there were no humans around. It was just her and the lake.

“Are you going to stare?” She inquired without turning his back to look at him.

“Apologies,” the angel said as he walked closer, “I was curious as to what you’d dream after such event.”

“Now you know.” She stated, “Tell me: when I was a kid and… fell to the ice rink, who saved me?”

“One of my brothers.” Castiel answered.

“If you hadn’t been there today, would that brother save me once again?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” Castiel confessed.

“Why did you save me?”

“Because you’re my friend.” The angel replied.

“Sam and Dean are your friends, and you left them to cuddle with me.” She commented.

The angel sighed. “I guess I can’t hide it, considering my terrible flirting abilities.”

“Flirting?” She cocked an eyebrow.

“I have developed a crush towards you, and Sam and Dean offered their advice to help me make my move.” The angel explained.

(Y/N) giggled. “I can’t believe you asked them for help.”

“I know they are not the best at it, but I don’t know anyone else…” Castiel spoke sadly.

(Y/N) finally turned to look at him. She looked nothing like she did in real life in that exact moment; her lips were pink rather than purple, and her skin had her usual glowing look rather than the pale tone she wore after almost drowning.

“It’s not that,” she said.

“Then what is it?”

“I already like you, Cas.” She confessed, “I thought you knew.”

“The Winchesters asked me not to sneak in your mind.” Cas explained. (Y/N) gave him a warm smile.

“So…” She insinuated.

“So I didn’t sneak in your mind.” Castiel resolved and (Y/N) laughed once again.

“I mean: so… what is your next move?” She insisted.

“Oh.” Castiel breathed out what looked like a laugh and then thought it through. “I’m not sure, the boys didn’t think I would get this far.”

“Well, since you are inside my head, allow me to proceed.” She said and the angel granted her that power.

It was an awkward thing to do considering he was the real Castiel and not her imaginary Castiel with which she lived many adventures every night, but it was her mind and she was decided to do whatever she wanted. Therefore, she took a few steps forward, stood on her tip toes and placed a soft peck on his lips.

Castiel’s cheeks blushed uncontrollably afterwards, making (Y/N) giggle. He had never thought of his reaction when that happened – if it happened – and the surprise had taken him unprepared.

“What’s your next move, feather?” She inquired flirtingly.

“Let’s wake up.”

-

When (Y/N) opened her eyes, his baby blue ones were already staring at her like an excited puppy.

“Hi.” She smiled. Castiel noticed she didn’t look like the (Y/N) of her mind, but he still found her pleasing to see.

“Hi.” He repeated.

Before (Y/N) could reply, Castiel crashed his lips against her and kissed her deeply, yet softly. Her lips were cracked due to the winter weather, and yet he felt like it was the best thing ever. Something inside him had changed a second after they started kissing; it was almost as if something had finally organised the mess he had inside – like finding the missing piece of the puzzle.

“(Y/N)?” He called as they pulled away. Her forehead was pressed to his, and her eyes were shut.

“Hmm?”

“What does this make us?” He asked.

“Whatever you want us to be.” She replied with a raspy whisper.

“D-D-Do you w-want to b-b-be my p-p-partner?” He stuttered.

“Sure.” She giggled and kissed him again.

It was maybe his warmth, or the usage of her circulatory system, or maybe the five minute nap she had taken; but (Y/N) was finally feeling better and her whole body was recovering her usual colour and the vivacity she had lost in the water.

-

“Thank you for your help with…” Dean stopped talking. The brothers had hunted the witch down and were back at the hotel.

“What the…?” Sam also stopped talking.

(Y/N) and Castiel were cuddling at her bed, being so cute the boys felt like vomiting rainbows with glitter and flying unicorns.

“Sam, Dean.” Castiel acknowledge her presence. “My apologies for not being there; (Y/N) felt to the lake and I had to get her out and bring her to the warmth.”

“Sure, to the warmth of your…” Sam punched his brother’s ribs before Dean could finish his sentence.

“So, are you… together?” Sam asked.

“I believe so, yes.” Castiel nodded.

“Since when? How?” Dean interrogated.

“After teleporting here, (Y/N) and I decided to take a nap in order to restore her energy.” Cas explained awkwardly, “I uh… I can’t sleep, as you know, so I… I got inside her head, where we held a conversation and… What had to happen, happened.”

“Works for me.” Dean nodded.

“Same.” Sam agreed.

“Just uh… Take care, man. We don’t want any nephilims flying around.”

“Nephilims don’t fly around.” Castiel muttered.

“DEAN!” (Y/N) exclaimed at the same time as Castiel’s argument.

Dean lifted both hands at the level of his chest. “Hey, I don’t know how far you’re getting, I just don’t want any more trouble upstairs.”

“Get out.” (Y/N) commanded.

“Great idea! Cas doesn’t know what a condom is and…”

“OUT!” (Y/N) roared and Dean had no other choice but to leave. He laughed his way back to the car and Sam followed him after apologising to (Y/N) for his brother’s childish behaviour.

Once the brothers were out, (Y/N) relaxed again.

“We’re not having nephilims, I promise.” Castiel spoke solemnly.

“CAS!”

Masterlist

SPN Tags: @dreamingintheimpalawithdean @roseyhxnt @thisisjessicatalking @hotwinchester @pizzarollpatrol @colorfuluniversewhispers @destiel5100

[toddmichaelrogers]

Letter to You

Time continues to march toward nothing. I pass along with it, happy to see currents ripple and shift until I find my reflection marked by tell-tale signs of fear and what some expressionists (scientist who study faces) might call “pretty gay”--but I myself learned to accept as “mostly straight, don’t mind seeing a dick though” a long while ago.

(READ MORE)

The world is falling into the sort of post apocalyptic chaos our stories have been worried & also warning us about for several ages. I’m pretty excited for the 80s again (who knew far right fear tactics, dance music, cocaine and a cold war would ever come back in style?) If you’re reading this as a printout in some sort of home-fashioned bunker, the year is 2017, the American President is a reality star billionaire who was elected by people (both good and bad) in an effort to clear out the politicians in the country’s capital. 

One dear friend of mine referred to it as “burning down the house” which is all well and good, unless of course there are people living in that house you have attempted to burn down. 

We are three weeks into an uncertain world, run by a puppet of far worse men, a puppet who is obviously, quite clinically insane. I actually worried about typing that for an instant, here, in the “land of free speech”. That’s how bad it is. The people surrounding him are open racists / enemies of the LGBTQ community, and misinformed religious fear mongers. This week airports across the country were shut down by protesters after refugees and travelers from several foreign countries were banned from entering. I saw a picture of Muslim people praying in an airport while an American crowd cheered them on and it nearly moved me to tears. (And I eat a lot of salt, so if I cry it burns and I fuckin’ feel it). I will not leave this country. So what am I to do? Should I write politicians? Call them? Does this matter at all, or has it ever? I have lists of resources on Tumblr, saved between gifs of cartoons and porn searches. What am I to do? Also what gets the best results? “NSFW” or “Boobs very humungo gifs”?

I don’t know what to do. But I am grateful for the art and politicians this horrible world is about to create.

EFFORTS the band I am in was asked to play a show. This is nice as no one has heard our music. We have declined any other opportunities to perform, but a few weeks into this political fuckquake was the right time to ask, I guess. So tomorrow we have band practice, and then we’ll be playing our first show ever, later this month. I definitely want to puke but in like, a good way. Like prom nerves. Prom puking.Like a  Prom-Puke-Posal

We’ve been recording our first album since November 2015. Back then it was just me and Zach. Then a guy named Geoffrey heard our demos and asked to play bass for us. No one else was asking, so we eventually said yes. Nearly a year later Zach and I tracked most of the album (there are maybe 5 songs still missing) and Geoffrey had sent us his bass demos for each. It was October 2016 and the album has been taking so long that I started pulling demos together for some other sort of release. I was going to call it DAMNSEL & THE EUTH GROUP and Geoffrey said he would produce it, but a few songs in it became obvious we were just making another EFFORTS album and now Zach is involved as well.

xxxxx

New future efforts stuff @thisisgeoffrey and I fucked with last night.

A video posted by Todd Michael Rogers (@d_a_m_n_s_e_l) on Jan 3, 2017 at 12:40pm PST

xxxxxx

The plan is to finish our first LP (I Bought You A Coffin) and then either license it to a record label, preferably in the UK (Plan A) or just do it the fuck ourselves (Plan B). Then when that’s all said and done we’ll have the next bit of music ready, which will be released as two EPs (2.1 Sorry Everyone Disappoints You) and EP2 which I have a name for but it’s not official or anything (2.2 Mean Songs to Hurt People). After we release the 2 EPs-- each holding 6 songs--we’ll smash them together for our second album (2.final form May The Eyes That Rise Upon You Never Know (Your True Heart). I even have album covers for all three but I ain’t showin’ em here yet. So far the first EP is missing 1 and a half songs, and the second is all in demo pieces.

A lot of these plans seem fanciful at best but it’s sort of how I always work on things, ‘shoot for the stars and hope you don’t put a bullet in your own boot’.  A lot of it came about one night when Zach and I stayed up drinking as we concocted a five year plan, should anyone ever ask us if we had one.

But it all start now, with finishing this album, making our facebook page (LINK), playing our first few shows, and releasing our first single (May You Absorb all Evil) But look, we even have a cover for it, granted to us by the artist Liam Barrett. We’ll release this baby sometime this Summer, along with a music video I have been meticulously planning for over a year.

*

I miss writing the novel. It’s been over a month since I touched it, but printing out my progress from the start of 2016 to the end was amazing.

I think the time away from it will be good, the fear, the worry, the feworry is leaving it for too long, allowing it to get lost in the current of the sea (see opening paragraph, this blog).

My plan is to look at what I’ve done (dangerous) do a quick edit job upon it (also dangerous, but hopeful/most/ly this is just a grammar bombing), and then see where the first 200 pages are at. I hope I’m doing the right thing, the bow of the ship needs to be set through some very particular territory, and even I know I’m telling a strange story in a weird way. I could smashed to bits upon the rocks of those who would never publish it.

But I miss it.

*

WHYLC is a comic book I started writing 10 years ago next month (Jesus Fucking Christ) and which I eventually self published online after taking it upon these keep-it-100 hands to illustrate. Issue 2 will take even more time, but for those of you who read it, the work shall continue. I reallllly like making comics and it was sort of the first thing I ever wanted to do writing wise. 

PS Issue 1 can always be found right here (LINK)

*

Spell Saga could destroy anyone, at any given time, if they saw the scope and horror of the project, stretching like ley lines backwards & forwards, away from my heart. I’ve spent the better half of a year working days and nights to pay for both a) my cool ideas and b) my dumb mistakes. This has resulted in many more cards being printed than initially anticipated, and most of my ‘money bucks’ being sent out as packages of said cards to patient wonderful truly unbelievable fans across the globe. 

(Meagen Crawford took dis pic)

Do you know how long it takes to package something? Or even double check and print the correct address? Let alone figure out a packaging solution after the US Postal Service gave you the WRONG information? It’s been a fucking nightmare--but a super neat problem to have. I can panic and smile, I do both all the time.

The next step of the process is sort of manifold:

First I have to finish sending packages to places like the UK, Singapore & Brazil. Then I have to wire the final amount to the manufacturer which was delayed by all the changes we made during initial production. THEN I have to finish re-designing DECK 2 (it’s just a new Photoshop HD makeover, no rules changes). THEN I have to get the packaging for deck 2 finalized (make sure everything is the right size, get UPC code etc.) THEN I have to wire the manufacturer to print this deck and ship everything out together from Hong Kong to any US coast and down to me in lil ole Tennessee.

Then I get my shit together. Spell Saga has been bruised and hidden away while the manufacturing continued. Having Decks 0, 1, and 2 printed and at my fucking door (taking up most of my living room) will give me the privilege and honor of sending everyone another deck for free (thanks for waiting) along with sending out marketing packages to game reviewers across the Earth. It will coincide with the continued but stalled development of the Spell Saga library (a web page of game resources formerly known as the wikiFAQ).

Getting the game back up to good standing is a very real priority for this lonely designer. When I have all that cooking at the right degree I can finally finish the main game by Designing DECK 3 and the Ending with Cousin Lauren. (Then I’ll have to pay for that one to get printed too. That’s 10 grand. Right there.)

PS Cousin Lauren has a page for her art now. Check it out (LINK)

In the INTERIM. The Meantime. IN the age of Meanness: I’ve been designing a new SPell Saga deck, called 1.5 The Under Sky. It’s a sort of bridge between decks 1 and 2, that also acts like a warp into deck 3 if it’s played right. The Look, Feel, Story, and emotional journey of this Deck matches the others--it’s still the story of The Last Minstrel--but while decks 1,2, and 3 were created with the emotions of a bad marriage and a young man afraid of what his life might have become, this DECK is sort of based on how it’s felt to publish the game and everything that’s happened to me in my own journey. Making things is hard. It’s so hard. It’s super terrible and impossible. But getting to the end is the whole point of a journey, and this deck celebrate that.

In The Under Sky, you play as The Last Minstrel, but you’ve sort of lost your way to The Forest, as well as your friends. It’s the idea of knowing exactly what you want, until a sort of early 20s suburban existentialism hits like a storm to blow you so off course you aren’t even sure who you are anymore, much less where you’re going. During the game you’ll explore the insides of living keeps called Castle Crashers, making friends with mirages and using a creature called the dark pixie to pull magical items out of ordinary places. There’s also a river of blood that’s spilling out from a talking disembodied head of a fallen god. It’s pretty cool.

If I’m nervous about anything it’s that the mechanics are advanced to say the least. It’s still the same old Spell Saga but there’s new ideas there too. Like, imagine five cards that are in a circle. The hero token (representing your character) can move left or right on the circle visiting each card (each representing a different place to visit) if you’ve played Spell Saga before, the idea should seem familiar, it’s the main and most basic mechanic of the game. But now, imagine each card in the circle is a stack 5 cards deep, and when you move from one stack to the next the cards in each stack are shuffled, the order they rest in dependant upon how you enter or leave the stack with your token. That’s some scary shit to try and “make a rulebook out of” but I think it’s going to work. I want every Spell Saga deck to kind of have it’s own vibe going on, each playing off the mechanics you may have learned in the previous deck.

There’s other Spell Saga news too:

If anyone is reading this Realmwalker ~ Science//Armor//Romance will be republished with typographical errors removed and a new box sometime near March. This was a game I released a year ago (Judas Iscariot Priest!) on The Gamecrafter, and then removed until i had time to fix it.

The next Realmwalker ~ The Discordant Shore is half designed and really a very exciting game. I think it should be done by June, and that one will also be on The Gamecrafter. The Reason this one took so long is half the cards are also copies of special handmade cards I’ll be sending out to people who spent dat ca$h on the Kickstarter, y’know, back in 2014 (Satan’s Red Mouth!).

Are you still here? Are you still reading this?

French Toast Gaming Co.’s next game, something I first worked on twenty years ago, and then spent the better part of a decade worrying about is about to be released this year. EPIOCH was supposed to come out last August, but many delays pushed it away. Now my good friend Weshoyot has nearly finished the art, and all the game needs is more playtesting and a rulebook before it pops up on The Gamecrafter. Here’s an art peek, and you should check out her instagram. (LINK).

That’s everything I needed to type out to stay sane. Thanks for following along all three of you. I appreciate it. There’s been other things too of course, lost jobs, another concussion, dreams where I tell my secrets to people who look disappointed. But you don’t need to know any of that. Not really. It will all come out in the artwork anyway.

OR THE patron page PODCAST, I GUESS.

-mE.

[its-ben-awhile]

Let’s go! Move it!

50 more yards!

All right, let’s go! Pick it up!

- Let’s go! - Yes, sir!

You’re running out of time, Bryant!

Make it all the way around the track! Come on!

You want to be troopers? You better move it!

All right, next, get up here!

Let’s hit it now.

Dean, come on!

All right. You’ve all completed the written exam.

However, you must now pass the obstacle course

to be admitted into the training program.

And remember, survive this,

and you’re on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.

Yeah.

Sorry about the test, Dad.

We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

Mine is named hypoglycemia.

Well, that’s why you always have to have sugar nearby.

Are you gonna have pie?

Not tonight, Ma.

I’m just kidding. Yeah, I’m gonna want some pie.

You…

No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.

- Okay. - You said it,

and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,

and can’t really get it out. Pie. Here we go.

It really helps heal.

And, you know, not always, but sometimes,

you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, “Whatever.”

Kids don’t talk like that.

Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?

I hear them in the mall. You know?

Peanut butter.

It just fills the cracks of the heart.

Go away, pain.

- What? - Paulie.

Oh, no. Come on, Ma.

I’m not ready for this right now.

- Dad. - Please.

We just don’t want to see you go through another holiday alone.

But I’m not alone.

I’ve got you two. You know?

And besides, Black Friday’s coming,

so my dance card’s gonna be pretty full.

What? It’s the busiest shopping day of the year.

Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.

I wish I had a coworker here, like, “Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday’s coming.”

“Gee, Paul, you don’t have to tell me Black Friday’s coming.

"Why do you think I’ve been walking around here

"with the eyes of an eagle?”

- We prepare. - Dad, what does all that have to do

with being happy for the rest of your life?

You said, and I quote, “If I don’t have a girlfriend by November,

"I’ll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com.”

That was last year.

Okay.

- Here we are. - Okay.

“What are you looking for in a woman?”

Well, your mother certainly had something special.

Yeah, illegal immigrant status.

She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.

That’s not entirely true.

We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.

- Well, I hate her. - Well, you shouldn’t.

She gave me you.

- I am pretty great. - You are. You are.

Okay, next question. “Tell us about yourself.”

Let’s see.

I know a lot about sharks.

Let me stop you right there.

Well-built and a great hugger.

Awesome, Grandma.

Not as awesome as this.

What are you doing?

Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.

Ma, no.

I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s a little too, “Hey, look at me”?

Well, that is exactly what we want.

Eyes on the prize.

And don’t worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.

Dear God!

Hey! Back away from the vehicle.

Oh, dear God. Please.

Chompers, get down!

Hey, you know where a men’s room is?

I do. You’re gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.

They got 12 stalls and heated seats.

Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!

Okay, my lip is numb.

All righty.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.

That’s not supposed to be here. It’s a minivan.

… he can’t handle it. The puck travels to the far board…

He keeps the play alive.

- Paul! - Hey.

What is this?

That’s my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy’s

down through the specialty shops.

- How’s that working out for you? - Actually, it’s for all of us.

You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,

it’s gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.

It’s your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.

- Can I ask you something? - Anything.

Why can’t you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?

Safety never takes a holiday.

Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?

Blart.

This is Sims. He’s a new trainee. Let him trail you today.

Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.

Wow. Veck Sims.

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let’s mount up.

Oh, yeah. That’s the good stuff.

That’s it. Treat her gentle, son.

Slap it, honor it.

So what made you want to pursue security?

I never finished high school. This is all I could get.

Yeah, I’m currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.

Right now, I’m goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.

Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.

My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.

They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.

I’m kidding. I can’t grow a beard.

My uncle can. Stay snug.

Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,

here’s what I want you to do. You’re gonna pull up,

left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,

giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know

you don’t.

Okay? But you know what we do have?

Our voices! We have our voices.

If you remember one thing from today, it’s this.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn’t need a holster.

Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?

Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,

five minutes to get refocused.

We got a high roller.

Sir, I’m gonna need you to pull to the right.

Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.

Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.

Sir.

Thank you.

Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.

You’re kidding.

I don’t joke about shopper safety.

I’m afraid I’m gonna have to issue you a citation.

Gonna need your first and last. Last first.

Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.

Please don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?

Are you able to… Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.

You’re pushing it.

Sir. Sir. I am warning… Sir.

Sir. Sir. Sir.

Okay.

This is adding up, sir. He’ll be back. He’ll be back. He’ll be back.

- Hey. - Hi. Do you need something?

Yes. I’d like to welcome you to our mall.

Well, thank you.

Is there something else?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Just looking for some hair extensions.

Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?

Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?

Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?

I don’t think so. Which one?

Well, that one. That one right there.

Yeah. That one, yes. That… You know, that one was me.

- Oh, wow. Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Never better.

Although they’re docking the paycheck pretty good.

Yeah.

You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,

and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.

- Hello, early retirement. - Yeah, right?

Volume. Right, let me just see what I’ve got.

Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I’m over by the kiosks.

Who is this?

It’s Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.

What the hell are you bothering me for?

- Just a Code B check. - What a moron.

You know, I’ll check in with them later. It’s pretty intense.

Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.

- What, what? - No, it’s just that you said security guard,

and it’s perfectly acceptable…

I’m so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.

No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?

It’s just that there’s a huge, huge controversy

brewing in the industry right now,

whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.

I’m sure you heard about it.

- I didn’t. - You will. You’re gonna.

- But I’m sure I will. - It’s out there.

So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?

Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.

This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won’t even get a card.

Everyone’s too busy shopping.

You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.

- Yeah. - I think that’s your color.

- I think this’ll work. - It’s a winner.

- So that’s $9.95. - $9.95?

- Yeah. - Wow.

At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.

All right. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Right. So there you go. - Okay.

And, there you go.

Thank you, Amy.

Thank you, Officer Blart.

Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.

You went with a medium?

It’s a bit formfitting,

but that’s ‘cause we’re required to wear protective vests under our…

No. Not buying it. No.

'Cause I don’t see any vest underneath here, so…

No, but it’s a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.

Nope. Nope. No.

I don’t understand why you’re laughing. I just called you fat.

I’m not laughing.

Yeah, whatever. Amy.

Hey, everyone’s going to American Joe’s tonight, and I want to see you there.

Okay? We’re gonna split some onion strings.

Wow. Wow.

Good.

Good hang.

Wow, yeah. That’s great.

Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria’s Secret.

Okay, roger that.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

- I found it first. - No, you didn’t.

Ladies. Problem.

What’s the genesis?

She’s trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.

There’s gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They’ll be here by noon.

Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.

Really? Is he blind?

Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.

Not my first rodeo.

Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

No, you don’t.

Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen’s arrest.

So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.

- That’s true. She could. - Hey, not talking to you. Okay?

Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?

Look, I understand your sensitivity.

I’ve had some issues with weight myself.

- Are you calling me fat? - No. No, no, no, no.

I’m just saying I’ve been down that road.

I mean… I mean, I’m still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.

Let’s face it, we eat to fill a void, right?

But as soon as I started eating healthier,

I noticed I wasn’t so moody.

And PS, your skin’s gonna clear up.

- Can you hold onto these? - Sure.

Ma'am.

You…

She’s got tremendous upper body strength.

Backup! Backup!

She’s biting my neck. She’s biting my neck.

Backup!

Backup! Backup!

Look, I know you’re new here and all,

but “backup” seems like a pretty universal term.

Hey. Can I give you a lift?

What, on that?

With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,

but with me, you’ll be as safe as the President.

I don’t know. Couldn’t that get you fired?

Yes, it could.

Okay.

- Is this all right? - Absolutely.

And here you go. Safe and sound.

- '65 Mustang. - Yeah.

Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.

It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.

- That’s a plane. - I didn’t know that.

Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.

No problem.

Listen,

if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,

Dispatch, they can get me. You know.

- Or we could just text each other. - Yeah.

- Yeah, give me your cell phone. - My cell?

Yeah, and I’ll punch my number in.

Left it in the casuals. You know what?

Just give me your number and I’ll remember it.

- Okay. Ready? - Yep.

- All right. 555… - Not yet. Just…

Now I’m ready.

- 555… - 555…

…01… …01…

…78. - Eight. Got it.

That’s it. It’s locked.

Great, so I’ll see you tonight at American Joe’s, right?

Yeah, I mean, everybody’s going, so…

- Yeah. …why not me, too? I’ll be…

Yeah, I’m there.

- Great. Bye. - Okay. Bye.

- Hey. - Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul.

Good to be here.

- Fun fact for you… - This place sucks.

- You want to get out of here? - No.

I’m sorry, what were you saying?

No, I was just saying that

the first American Joe’s actually opened its doors in 1972.

And most people, because of its service and theme,

think that it’s derivative of Abe and Louie’s, but it’s not.

It’s its own thing.

You really know a lot of facts, Paul.

Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria’s Secret.

Well, I don’t hit women,

- so I don’t even know what… - Yeah. Just minivans, right?

Hey, why don’t you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?

- I’ll meet you over there. - Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?

- 'Cause Stuart’s buying. - No, no, no. They’re good. They’re good.

- So… They’re good. - Okay.

Hey, listen, I… We’re basically already together, so…

I wasn’t… I didn’t even realize that.

- And I was… I wouldn’t… Doing anything. - Yeah.

I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.

- Okay? - I got it.

I mean, it’s not like you really had a chance, okay?

Security guard? Really.

But you’re a pen salesman, dude.

Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.

All right, bro. Back off. You know, we’re all just here having fun.

Okay, bro.

What?

Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.

Security blood runs deep between… Yeah, let’s just go.

- Round six. - Let’s do this thing.

- Gentlemen ready? - No.

Not yet. Now I’m ready. Okay.

And, go!

Leon, I can’t give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.

I know.

Told you, boy. You better hurry up.

There you go. Nachos in my face.

Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.

Oh, my God. Oh, that’s a hot pepper.

Nachos are good, man.

Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.

You’re lagging behind.

Come on, Paul. Playing games.

I love these nachos, I’ll tell you that much.

- That lemonade is insane. - Yeah, Paul.

- That’s because it’s a margarita. - No. I don’t drink.

Twist it.

Feel the nub.

- Hey, you want some? Here. - Yeah.

You want fruit?

Bye! You blinked! You blinked.

Time to pluck the grape from the vine.

Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.

Coming on the left.

False alarm.

Told my mom everything about us.

What are you talking about?

You’re acting coy. Come on. It’s natural.

You know. You so know.

No, I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t know.

Snap. Pop goes the weasel.

So happy!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I believe in magic!

No way!

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, dear.

It’s fine, Ma.

- Hey, Dad, why don’t we check for matches? - Yes.

Yeah, I don’t think so, sweetheart. I think I’m just gonna turn in.

Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?

I don’t think so, Ma. It’s fine.

If something’s gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.

But that would probably… You know.

You know, if you’re doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.

But it… Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.

Maya. Hey.

Dad. I’m so sorry.

It’s okay.

There are other fish in the sea.

You just gotta keep looking.

And it doesn’t matter what you do.

Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,

all bets are off.

If it doesn’t work out, you’ll always have us.

I’m sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn’t hear a word you were saying.

You just have to…

Is that a tattoo?

I… Yeah, yeah, it is.

When did you get it?

- I got it last night. - What is it?

It’s the Loch Ness monster.

I don’t drink.

- Hey. - Hi.

That was

a little weird the other night, huh?

Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.

Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?

You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.

And what happens is the capillaries…

Yeah, look. A lot of people…

Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.

And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.

I just… I guess what I’m asking is that you don’t.

Okay. You know, I’m sorry, I’ve just…

I’ve gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I’m…

No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?

- Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or… - Okay.

- Yeah. - I can do that. I can do that.

You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.

I can’t believe you don’t have a cell phone.

I’m not about all this technology, Vijay.

I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.

300 bucks?

I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.

Paul, you’ve always been a straight shooter, so I’ll tell you what.

Why don’t you take my daughter Parisa’s phone?

- No, I can’t do that. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I’m punishing her.

No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,

she went over her minutes.

When and if she decides to turn her life around, I’ll simply take it back.

Until then, you use it.

- Thanks. - Sure.

- Stay within the minutes. - Of course.

Hey. It’s too late to go in that way, guys. It’s closed.

- No one’s going in there. - Yeah. I think we are.

Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.

Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.

“The Devil’s Crotch.”

Feel the burn, baby.

- Thanks, Leon. - Get back at me, man.

- Loading dock’s ready. - Got it.

Yeah.

You need a pen, don’t you?

You know what? No, I’m good.

- I’ll just use one of their pens. - Yeah, you do.

Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.

- That’s stunning. - Yeah, I know.

How would you like to sign your name with this panther?

You know what? More than anything.

- Yeah, that’d be great. - Here. Yeah.

It’s yours. I insist.

Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Don’t you just love Fridays?

- Yeah. - Best night of the week.

Yeah.

- Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey.

Paul. Paul, can you help me out?

I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.

There’s a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.

Could you close up the arcade for me?

- Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson. - Okay.

- You okay? You seem a little down. - Yeah, I’m fine.

You know, video game might cheer you right up.

Nah, I’m on duty.

Welcome to the games!

Get set.

Go.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul.

Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.

Game over.

We are ready.

Let’s do this.

Attention shoppers.

Please make your way to the nearest exits.

Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.

- Everybody out! - Everybody out!

Everybody out, now!

You, too!

Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me…

I’m at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Hey, yo. Hey, there’s some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.

- I’m out of here. - Everybody on the floor!

Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.

What are you doing? Get down.

Oh, my God.

Surprised? I know.

But here’s the craziest part.

I’m the leader.

Reports are, they’re inside the bank and they got hostages.

This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.

See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.

Let’s get all these civilians out of here.

See if we can gain access into the loading dock.

- Go. - I’m on it. 94, move 'em out.

Hello?

Feeling alive?

I’m sorry?

Parisa.

She makes you feel alive, doesn’t she?

This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I’m not with Parisa.

My name’s Paul Blart.

Parisa’s dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.

Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.

You are probably sweating over her right now.

I’m not lying.

I mean, I am sweaty, but I’m not sweating over anyone.

That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.

Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.

Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.

Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.

I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.

Wow. Them’s some heavy words, Paul Blart.

Hey, life is heavy.

Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?

So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,

call up my friend Sameer Oh?

Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.

Wait a second. How’d you know I was at the mall?

I track Parisa’s phone with GPS. Don’t you judge me.

Closing time already.

Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.

Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.

And 15 for you.

Okay.

Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store’s credit-card machine.

They change every day, so make sure

that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.

Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.

Perfect.

Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

And these little piggies went all the way home.

Do it.

Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.

Hey, everyone. A couple requests.

Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,

give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.

You do all these things… Well, you’ll be back at home in no time.

Back to your mediocre lives.

- I don’t have one. - Amy.

I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.

You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.

What do you say?

Go to hell.

Ouch.

Hey, Stewie, you don’t mind that I’m hitting on your girlfriend, do you?

What? No. She’s not my girlfriend.

But I specifically heard you say that you two were “basically together.”

No. I didn’t say that we were together. I said that she’s into leather.

Have at it. If you…

God, you’re an idiot.

Hello?

This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.

- Who am I speaking with? - Hi.

Yeah, well, so here’s the deal.

As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,

so if you wanna enter my mall,

you might as well bring at least six body bags.

He’s drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.

See if we can tap into the security cameras.

Now look, no one’s gonna try and enter the mall.

Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?

Oh, man. This dude doesn’t deviate from the book at all.

You know, since you’re asking, I would love a Happy Meal,

you know, but… Make sure the toy is the sea monster,

'cause I already have the dragon.

Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?

Silence.

Hey, I’m sorry, mall’s closed,

but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.

Sweet mercy.

This is not happening, this is not happening, this is…

Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.

Now what are you trained to do?

Nothing.

Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.

Yo, we got a straggler.

- It’s a security guard. - What should we do?

I don’t know. Give up, I guess.

Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.

We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.

He says he’s a security officer in the mall.

Hey. Blart? He’s one of my guys.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.

The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.

I need you to exit the building immediately.

We don’t need any wild cards in this situation.

Copy that. Never been a wild card.

Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.

- Blart! Can we focus here, please? - Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.

Okay, okay. Come on, don’t die. Don’t die.

Blart.

Don’t pee. Don’t pee.

Guys, motion detector just went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.

Amy.

What the hell is he doing? Come on!

- Paul, come on! - Paulie, come on!

- What’s he doing? - Come on, Blart!

Blart, come on!

- Let’s go! Move it! - Come on! Come on!

- Get out of there! - Come on!

Is he crying?

- I can’t leave her. - Where’s he going?

- Blart! - Where’s he going?

Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?

Blart, this is Brooks. What’s going on?

Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.

What oath? We don’t have an oath.

I sort of made up my own. It’s on a plaque in my room.

Listen, I think you’re making a big mistake.

SWAT’s on the way.

And I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, you’re untrained, you’re unarmed,

and let’s face it, son, you present a huge target.

With all due respect, sir, I can’t observe and report from the outside.

Over.

Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.

Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?

Send.

Got him.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!

Hold it together.

Heart of a warrior.

I missed lunch.

Thank you.

This isn’t happening, this is not happening.

Hey! Don’t make this hard.

You like that?

Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.

- Wow, Paul, you got one. - Yes.

But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just…

I put all my weight on her.

Oh, Paul.

No, no, no. She’s fine, she’s fine.

Well, good, let’s get you out of there.

No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.

What the heck is this?

Give me that.

Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.

Since you refuse to come out, I’m gonna need you to go into the bank

and find out where they’re holding the hostages.

With honor, sir.

Good to know.

Hey, I haven’t heard back from Donner or Vixen.

Okay. I’m calling an audible here, everyone.

And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.

Why don’t we just start wasting hostages? That’ll stop them.

Well, that’s one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.

I’m Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.

- We got a three-block perimeter… - Establish a perimeter

and get all these people out of here.

Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.

My men are gonna do it again, the right way.

Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?

- A Happy Meal and absolute silence. - Well, let’s make some noise.

I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.

Let’s tap into security now, and let’s get some visuals.

You can’t. They knocked out the video cameras.

I’ll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I’m in charge.

Brooks, I’m observing the bank now.

They got one assailant guarding the hostages.

There she is.

My, God. You are my angel pie.

Here come the love sweats.

Paul, your radio’s still on.

Roger that.

- What’s going on? Who is that? - We got a guy on the inside.

Don’t tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.

No, he’s neither. His name is Blart. He’s one of my security guards.

- Wait a minute. Blart? - Yeah.

- Paul Blart? - Yeah.

Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.

Blart.

This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.

We went to high school together. Remember?

I set you on fire at the pancake festival?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

Go Green Hawks.

Yeah, listen. I’ve got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.

At my command, we are retaking this location,

and there’s no way I’m compromising this mission so that some mall monitor

who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.

Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was “lunch” and “friend.”

Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?

Listen to me, Blart,

you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?

Hello?

Hello?

Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?

Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.

I’m gonna get a closer look.

Veck.

There he is!

- Everyone in the back room, now! - Come on, move, move!

Let’s get in the back, huh?

Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn’t get them out.

But I know who the leader is. It’s Veck.

Veck? The trainee?

- No. The brainee. - I don’t believe this.

I’ll pass it on to Howard.

Oh, God.

Trapped is fine by me.

Commence tanning. Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Yes!

Time for some big-game hunting.

Open, open, open! Thank God.

Oh, no.

Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

You better run.

- Rudolph, where are you? - I’m about to end this.

Amy, huh? What a coincidence.

We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.

- Strawberry blonde, actually. - Yeah?

Well, I guess I know who I’m killing first.

- Catch you later! - Yeah?

Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.

It’ll be over quick. She won’t feel a thing.

You aren’t gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.

Nobody wins with a head butt.

- Give me your cell phone. - I don’t have one.

What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.

I prefer handwritten sentiments.

Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?

They’re mine. I’m late for my shift at Foot Locker.

We’re getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.

Silence, my ass.

What’s the matter? Throw a few jabs your way,

you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?

If you don’t go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,

he’s gonna roll over on you all night long.

It’s all right. That’s not my style.

Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like…

Here.

This is what you been doing?

“Yeah, you and what army?”

- What’s wrong with that? - He has an army.

Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.

So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib

about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,

“Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked”?

And then… And then what? You guys all high-fived?

- Veck, this guard is… - Winning! I know this, because I am all set!

But sadly, no codes!

And I’d say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up

in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!

No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.

Give me a gun.

Put it down. Put it down.

What are you nodding about?

I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?

It isn’t coming, is it?

What?

This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.

You wanted to speak to me?

I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.

You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.

The easy way or the hard way.

That is such a tough call, but…

Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!

I’m Amy, by the way.

- Amy? From unbeWEAVEable? - Yeah.

I’m Maya. My father talked forever about you.

And I gotta say, he really does like you.

I’m gonna throw up.

Oh, that’s not so bad.

Oh, my God.

They’ve got his daughter.

- Dad? - Maya.

- Everything’s gonna be okay. - How’s your blood sugar?

Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m worried about you.

I love you. All right, now, I’m gonna get you all out.

You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?

I will. I’m a Blart, remember?

Yeah. I’ll see you soon.

I’m supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.

And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.

“If Veck gets the codes, he’s taking us to Cayman Islands”?

Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.

Come and get me, Veck.

I got your codes for the credit-card machines.

- Yo, you hear that? That’s Paul, baby! - Blart?

That’s who’s been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.

Give me a radio.

Let me tell you something.

You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.

You seriously undermissed…

And you seriously…

Oh, no!

Blart?

Sugar. Sugar.

Blart? You there, Blart?

Hello, Blart. You there?

Hey, Blart!

I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you’re gonna give up.

How about now?

I’ll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.

Yeah, you heard me. Never!

All right, Dad.

Hey, fellas! You looking for me?

Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.

Follow me.

There he is.

We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.

Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,

“If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself.”

I’m paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.

Prancer, take the back.

Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?

Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?

Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.

No.

One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.

Comet! Don’t come back till he’s dead!

Brooks. Only one more left. Then it’s just me and Veck.

Okay, who’s talking to Blart?

Was it you, sugar mouth?

All right. Let’s try this again.

Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

It’s her phone, it’s hers. She’s talking to him.

She’s talking to him, and I told her not to. And it’s under her leg.

The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That’s good.

Okay.

That was close.

He is a pro.

Listen, Blart, time’s up. We’re busting in.

Wait! Look, Veck’s after the credit-card codes, and I got them.

Just give me a few minutes.

No problem.

Isn’t that cute?

- Hey, Amy. I’m on my way. - Oh, hey, Blart.

Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile

on lonelyloser.com.

“Likes morning rain, walks on the beach.”

Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?

I was just speaking from the heart.

Yeah, well, I didn’t have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.

You’re so pathetic.

Trippy.

This I can use.

What do you want, Veck?

I just want the $30 million that I came here for.

But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.

You touch them, I swear I’ll end you.

What’re you gonna do, Paul?

You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,

which you and I both know you don’t?

- I could. - You’re not gonna do squat.

The next time I see you, Paul, I’m gonna put a bullet in your head.

I don’t think so. I’m taking you down.

Blart!

Oh, Blart.

Sweet mercy.

I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.

- Too tight! - This is not happening.

- It’s not happening. - Come on.

Bravo. That was awesome.

And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.

- It’s not over yet. - Yeah, I think it is.

Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,

you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.

You think I’m gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the…

- Yello? - Peanut Blart and Jelly.

What’s up, man? So good to hear your voice.

Yeah, it’s good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.

Listen, I’m gonna have to call you back.

- What? When? - I don’t know when. I’ll talk to you later.

Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!

I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.

I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.

I mean, you can’t pass the trooper exam,

you black out if you don’t have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,

you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.

Again, like you always do. Ain’t that right, Maya?

What do you want me to say, Veck? You’re smarter than me.

You’re good on computers, you kept your weight under control.

I mean, people, they look at me and you, and…

Yeah, it’s a landslide.

It’s no contest.

Sorry.

Right now, you’re the man with the gun.

So here you go.

Come on!

Go get him!

Go, Dad.

What…

Probably should have capitalized on that.

Dad!

Lock and load, boys. We’re going in.

Hey, we’re on the move.

Let’s go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Paul. Think, Paul. Think!

Let’s go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.

Get down!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

Down. The other one. That’s the back one.

No, no. That’s the same one. No! The other one!

Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.

Entry team, clear the mall. We’ll pursue.

Light.

Open the door.

Let’s do this.

Jimmy, give me your cell phone.

Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You’re really taking care of business.

What up?

Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa’s cell phone?

You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?

I need to know where it’s headed.

Paul, it looks like they’re on their way to McGuire Airfield.

I know where that is. Thanks.

Hang on.

My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.

What?

Here we go! Here we go!

That was me. I can’t…

Here I go! No!

Blart!

Don’t do it! Blart!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Maya! Maya, get inside.

- Oh, God! - Dad!

Paul?

I really don’t drink.

Come on. Oh, yeah?

- Dad! - Come on.

Dad!

Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.

I told you I’d take you down.

Blart!

Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.

I hope you don’t mind if I use one.

What?

- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.

I guess it’s off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?

Soon as I get my money.

Yeah, well, you’ll be needing this.

Just give it to him, Dad.

Oh, I will. Suck on that!

Okay. Situation update?

We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

- Great. Nobody talks to them but me. - Yes, sir.

You see, jackass? I don’t need the phone.

'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.

Now, I kill you three, there’ll be no witnesses.

And since everybody thinks this was a bank…

I got a newsflash for you. Your flight’s been canceled.

That’s better than anything I got.

You did good, Dad.

Yeah, I am pretty great.

You know, she doesn’t need a green card.

I don’t know what to say.

I have something I want to say to you.

Happy birthday, Amy.

I heard you applied to be a state trooper.

You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.

Thank you, sir. But I think I’m gonna stick with what I do best.

It’s protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Submitted by: @ask-rubeus-hagrid

Al: Danny... I am fucking crying... 

this is beautiful

I needed some Paul Blart added to my day