#we are all queer yet we are so different it's interesting to contemplate for me

[guzhufuren]

i would have been more or less fine emotionally dealing with all the bad things surrounding kp that have been happening these past months, including today, but people here and in other parts of internet are making me (and themselves) miserable. when being on this app is supposed to be fun, to be about getting all my thoughts out through silly pictures and about distracting me from quite harsh reality. i will calm down and work on myself and probably unfollow a bunch of people after i sleep on it. then i will stop myself from getting into fandoms ever again, only read fics as a source of happiness, make my own ridiculous blog posts and edits, and look at other people's. social media is for shits and giggles

[echooefrost]

TGGTVAV x TGS AU!

Ok so Sage has always been talking about The Gentleman’s guide to Vice and Virtue and I finally got around to reading it and to say the least… I LOVED IT, every part of it! Whilst reading this fantastical tale, I just COULD NOT stop thinking of the Jekyon parallels to Monty and Percy… Just AGRGHHH they are all such big, lovable, queer Victorian idiots! Anyway If you couldn’t tell by the title of this post, I slam-dunked that book into my favorites pile and hastily made another AU. (also,,, SPOILERS! I am warning you. But what are you doing? Go read this book already!) 

In short I’ve basically taken The Characters from TGS and dumped them into the storyline/plot of TGGTVAV, In saying that neither Jekyll or Lanyon are strictly Percy or Monty, if that makes sense? I contemplated this over and over and I just couldn’t cram Jekyll or Lanyon’s characters into Monty or Percy’s. as an example; Lanyon’s personality is a lot more similar to Monty’s than Percy but Lanyon isn’t bisexual (a big aspect of Monty’s character) Yet at the same time both Lanyon and Percy play the Violin, both have dreamy freckles etc. But he just doesn’t fit into either of them, same goes with Jekyll; Jekyll and Monty both share similarities but are both very different, yet not different enough to take the role of Percy. So with all of that confusing explanation, Jekyll and Lanyon remain themselves with a few extra ~touches~: 

Jekyll is going to be sent to the mental asylum in Holland due to the existence of Hyde. Lanyon finds out about Hyde when he involuntarily transforms in Marseilles. 

Lanyon still plays the Violin and brings it on the Tour with him (for the reasons of plot accuracy and me pushing the Violin-Lanyon propaganda) 

Lanyon takes Monty’s position of power (as in his father is an Earl, and sends them on Tour) although Lanyon is rich, racism still very much exists and isn’t a terminated theme.

Before I continue and as a side note: Felicity Does not exist. As much as I wanted to work her into this, I just couldn’t without complicating a bunch of things, and as I said this is an Au, my au and I can do what I want - I do love Felicity but She just wasn’t going to work here.

Frankenstein (still a woman) takes the role of Mateu Robles because I thought it would be fun to play on the idea that Frankenstien created life and that Mateu’s panacea can heal people. After researching and experimenting, Frankestein tried the potion on Elizabeth but it stopped her heart, similar to how Frankenstein's original creation (the creature) ended up killing her love. I thought it would be interesting, that because Frankenstein kind of killed her wife, she created Helena and Dante the same way she made the creature, although they technically aren’t human, Helena and Dante still look and act like humans, and they believe Elizabeth equally as their mother as they do with Frankenstein. (Don’t ask me how a WLW relationship would work in the 1800’s ,,, everyone just thinks that Frankie is a guy {kind of like in TGS} ) 

Queen Lucy is Scipio because a.) We need more female badasses and b.) take ONE LOOK at her character design and Tell me she DOESN’T Look like a pirate queen- I also just think Lucy is a super fun character that I wanted to incorporate here. 

Those are about all the added things/changes - the rest basically just follows the same points of the plot :0 

If I’m completely honest, I probably won’t do much with this I just had an idea and wanted to share it :))

Here’s a little image of them - Also I gave them both slightly longer hair because I looked at fanart of Percy and fell in love. 

[our-arospec-experience]

Hello, I have been questioning whether I’m on the aro spectrum for months now but only recently have I started exploring it.

It is not the first queer identity I have explored: I’m already identify as a sapphic on the ace spectrum but it is quite different trying to understand and make sense of compared to my previous identity crises.

I’ve always known that I was on the ace spectrum due to my lack of sexual attraction for people but when it came to romantic attraction…I was very interested in it in my teens so I wouldn’t have questioned it back then.

My history with romance/romantic attraction is very small. When I was younger and in my early teens, I hadn’t realised that I wasn’t straight yet and I never really got the boycrazy phase that a lot of girls my age went through back then.

When I realised that I was sapphic, I felt bliss and fulfilled in my identity, and it all made sense, even when I look back now, the signs were all pretty obvious and to this day I still feel very comfortable and confident in my sapphic identity.

But…recently I’ve realised I don’t experience romantic attraction conventionally, and it’s crazy because I spent a huge part of my teens being a hopeless romantic. I think that is why I am convinced that I’m deluding myself by being arospec.

However, all the crushes I had on people were…I’m going to be honest they were never that deep and whilst having a crush on them I knew it wasn’t that deep.

I enjoyed spending time with them and I felt butterflies sure. But I did not have any interest in dating them. It was more like “you are a medium for me to project all my romantic fantasies onto not someone I want to date”. It wasn’t intense at all and it was more like “out of sight, out of mind” with them. I’ve had a crush tell me that they asked someone else out once and I genuinely was happy for them and the feelings that I had for them (or maybe had for them) faded away.

I also experience this thing whenever I meet someone new I question internally whether I like them platonically or romantically and trust me this happens to most people I meet. In most cases, it eventually dies down as I get to know them and my feelings are platonic.

There’s also the feeling of do I like them or do I want to be them? And honestly the answer mostly leans towards the second option. I can confuse admiration for romantic attraction quite a lot especially when the person is in the same age range as me but honestly I think society also conditions you into doing that quite a lot. At the end of the day, I know I don’t like them because I seriously do not see us in a relationship despite whatever feelings or fantasies appear in my head.

The only time I experienced intense romantic feelings was when I had a deep emotional connection with someone. And by deep, I mean deep, I have never been as emotionally vulnerable with a person as I was with them and I fell in love with them easily. I checked all the romantic tickboxes when it came to my feelings for them: I couldn’t stop thinking about them, missed them when I wasn’t talking to them, couldn’t stop thinking about a future with them, I got jealous at the thought of them with someone and I genuinely wanted to be with them too. It was a crazy several years for me.

Our relationship and what became of it…let’s say we were naive and messed it up. But looking back on it in terms of me contemplating whether I’m arospec…I do realise that I did truly love her. In shades that were both platonic and romantic and honestly both forms of attraction made up my love for her. (If you’d ask me to pick though, I do miss our friendship a lot. It was so entwined with my romantic feelings that were her but honestly it’s kinda where it all started and being able to talk like friends and lovers was everything I wanted).

Anyways, I’m still not sure if I’m deluding myself into being arospec but I’ve heard that it is a spectrum and everyone’s different.

I am most likely an arospec who’s demi and values emotional connection to experience love and romantic desire (wanting to date someone), I love romance (in fiction and in real life) but I don’t see it as a necessity for myself, and I do experience fleeting attractions to people but I like I said…without emotional connection there is no guarantee for me to be able to tell whether I genuinely like them or not.

(Sorry for my long as hell message but congratulations this is the first place I am putting all my emotions/experiences on my matter into!)

The aromantic spectrum is indeed a large and diverse umbrella, and what you are describing sounds pretty certainly under it. That being said! Only use labels if you personally feel like they fit you :)

(you’re welcome anytime to talk about your emotions and experiences!)

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

RPWP let's go! To be honest, I didn't know the album dropped today. I thought Lost was another pre-release and that the album would drop in June, but I think that's NJs new album?

Anyway, I watched the Lost MV after waking up and was kind of disappointed. Namjoon's always a mixed bag (except in collabs). I don't understand his way of writing and expressing himself, and find it quite indigestible and dense; his English rap is very slurred most of the time too. Yes, he's incredibly intelligent, can write amazing lyrics, and his Korean rap can be insane, but a lot of the times I can't enjoy his songs. I tend to like his features more (he has some amazing ones, like Change, Sexy Nukim and Don't).

Hours later, I'm back from work and have listened to his album:

Right People, Wrong Place: Nice intro, but immediately his English accent and the way he sings in English is off-putting. The track is also very alternative and indie, which are genres I don't vibe with.

Nuts: Very interesting song... The way he's rapping in the beginning is a bit... it doesn't work super well. I loved the outro though - that part was cool. Overall, it's a good song. People went fucking crazy over the "she's a pro-rider", and also "he's a pro-rider", but I'm not sure this is Namjoon being a "bisexual king"; it's like the relationship from the guy's pov, which is why he says "no woman could stop him" and not "no man [RM] could stop him". But it's still a possible interpretation. I just see too many Armys taking everything he said literally and filling in the blanks with assumptions, creating their own narrative which is quickly being spread as the truth. People are saying RM cut his hair, started working out and deleted his IG pics because of a breakup and that he then got into situationships. I mean, this would be a normal thing to do but those could all be isolated events. You don't know if he cut his hair over a breakup?... Like, Army wants BTS relationship drama so much they act like they know everything. I admit I'm not a normal 20 year old, so who knows? I also wasn't keeping up with his Weverse lives.

out of love: Well, this whole album is very Sundance coming of age movie about a "cool yet lost guy in his 20s who goes to bars, drinks, smokes with this friends while contemplating his existence" which couldn't be further from my vibe. I hate indie music because it's slow, lethargic, whimsical, loose, and I'm neurotic, high-strung, literal, and uptight. I can't vibe with indie; I can't relate to normal 20 years old who smoke weed at parties. That's really nothing special, but to me it's a whole different universe. I have no friends or a life. I can't relate to Namjoon at all... Anyway, him saying "bitches" is not cool. I see Army praising him for hitting back at those who criticize idols for smoking, but, no man - unless he's explicitly queer and saying it and a fun manner, maybe, can use the word "bitch" imo. I fucking hate that word. I also felt like Namjoon was trying to copy black rappers in this song, but I'm probably too white to comment. Can't say I enjoyed the track. I feel really basic, but I'm too straight-laced, boring white girl to appreciate this album, sorry.

Domodachi: Eh... I was expecting the woman to be an amazing rapper, since I saw Army hype her up, but she's... alright? Lyrically, she's pretty basic - in this track at least. Also, it's so weird listening to Brits rap lmao. There's no translation of this track yet, so I don't really know the lyrics.

? (Interlude): I like classical music (won't include XXI classical music in this statement, which I know nothing about and is a lot different from what we traditionally think of as classical music), but I don't like jazz that much in general... Both are considered "intelectual music", but jazz isn't for me... I like structure and a certain repetitiveness in music. Improvisation is just confusing to me and, like, I'm so type A, I just can't vibe with it.

Groin: Joon's cursing is a bit too much in this album. The way he curses is a bit... aggressive?, yet at the same time giving Jungkook in Seven vibes. I guess that's the point. We have "bitch" here again. It's pretty disappointing... I thought he'd learned better. I read the lyrics translation from an account on X and on Genius, and they were quite different... The first was very anti establishment, the second less so. "Not a fucking diplomat" is great though. But I hate the chorus... "Get your ass out the trunk?"...

Heaven: Didn't particularly stand out. This song also doesn't have a translation yet (or I couldn't find one. It's been hours though. If this was an ot7, maknae line, or Yoongi track, 100% sure there would be multiple translations already).

LOST!: The woman singing in the beginning sounds so familiar... The song has a fun rhythm, and of all the RPWP tracks (aside from Come Back to Me), it's the easiest listening song. It actually represents the album very well, unlike Come Back to Me which is a clear outlier (feel kind of deceived, really) and easily the most GP friendly track (hence it being the pre-release). The song is fun but the English lyrics are just bad. The album's full of poorly written English lyrics. I guess it's on purpose? Don't like it, don't get it.

Around the world in a day: Another count for "bitch". The song's okay, butthe lyrics are... Honestly, it feels like the whole album is just vibes. What is he even saying? Heartbreak, anger, etc., but in terms of message, it's very repetitive. It's all so vague too? Don't know what he means because I like things spelled out to me - maybe that's my bad.

Credit Roll: Well, no use commenting haha.

Come Back to Me is the only relatable and truly enjoyable track to me. Sorry, I don't know how to appreciate this album and can't stand a lot of the English. I feel like RPWP highlights everything I like least about RM as an artist... While, I didn't enjoy the album on my first listen, it's cool how experimental it is and that it sounds nothing like idol music. BTS are so diverse musically. If you play this album to anyone and tell them it's BTS, they'll be in absolute disbelief lmao.

Second listen through and review here!

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

I'm really contemplating whether or not I can in good conscience keep thinking of myself as queer, which is kind of painful for me, because I have a lot of attachment to what it means to me. But it really does clearly mean something very different to most people, and I don't want to ignore that reality. It bothers me that when I say it, people might reasonably believe I'm talking about a particular type of ideology and political agenda that can be separated from the Normie Gays and the Hateful Assimilationists, that a person could learn about then choose to agree with and support or not agree with and support, because I've always felt strongly that being queer isn't a type of politics you can have, it's an experience of existing in a politicized way.

I'm well aware that 90% of the people in my Tumblr orbit perceive me (or would if they knew me) as one of the Hateful Assimilationists, which in some sense I agree that I am. I think it's actually a reasonably psychologically healthy goal to want to be a participating member of one's community and culture, although that's not the only thing I think a reasonably psychologically healthy person should care about. And it's not the only thing I care about, but I do want to just -- go about my business in life, and do my job and shop and socialize and deal with bureaucracy and attend events and never have to navigate feeling anxious or unwelcome or unsafe simply because I exist in public and other people have feelings about that. To myself, I feel -- normal, I'm just a person, I'm not doing anything that I feel like should be all that bothersome or intrusive to other people. It's other people who are intrusive when I I just am here, looking like they don't think I should look, having a family they don't think I should have.

So, like -- I'm not queer because that's some kind of mission statement for me, I know other queer people like the idea of having a Disruptive Agenda, but my agenda is and has always been trying to convince other people to be less rude and weird about me, because I'm just like, some person who is alive and trying to get through life like anyone else, like everyone else. As far as I'm concerned, I have never been the weird one; people who have absolutely no stake in my clothes, name, sex life, facial hair, general manner of existing, and yet feel thoroughly empowered to inflict their uninvited opinions about those things on me -- those people seem bizarre to me.

So when I've used the word queer, it's always been an acknowledgement that these are non-normative ways of being, and these are stigmatized ways of being, and there has been an ongoing experience of stigmatization and marginalization in my life that I recognize as a broadly shared experience with many other flavors of gender identity and sexuality minorities. And I need language like that to be able to say, hey, I recognize that across our diverse experiences, we've all been defined out of Normalcy whether or not we wanted to be. That's been placed on us, similar to the way that "non-white" and "people of color" are categories people are placed in by the hegemonic power of white supremacy, not because there's something inherently Other or Non about having skin darker than a Styrofoam cup, or because every other ethnic phenotype in the world shares some particular quality. The only quality they share is the way that whiteness Others them, and the quality I share with all other queer people is the way that heteronormativity Others all of us.

But it's used so often by so many other people as a signifier of some ideological commitment to an adequate level of Smashing the Patriarchy, and I'm not remotely interested in a vision of queerness that audits people's beliefs and motives and degree of radicalism, because for a lot of people, simply existing is as much radical disruption as they're able or willing to commit to, and that's frankly their business, not mine. Queer people spend our lives being judged and excluded, measured and found wanting. I'm just not up for a vision of queerness that imposes yet another external standard that people have to figure out how to meet in order to avoid hearing some version of "you're not queer, you're just a girl who likes girls" or whatever the current clever zing is about why they don't make the cut.

The world ascribes political meaning to our existence, it thinks that us merely wanting to live is "activism" and "radical leftism" and "the woke mind virus" or whatever the fuck. But we're not issues, we're fundamentally people, and presumably over the course of our lives we'll identify with any number of different issues and goals and beliefs, but we were people at birth and have always been and will always be people, and that is what I personally think should be at the center of whatever we're trying to do as a community, I think here you can be seen as the person you are is more impactful work than trying to make sure we don't accidentally embrace any Assimilationists.

I'm not saying there's nothing political about it when I call myself queer, but I am saying that the statement "gender and sexuality diversity is just part of the human experience, we are simply humans no matter what" is unfortunately already politicized. I wish it weren't. I wish that were just a thing I could believe in because it seems objectively true to me and it didn't have any particular politics attached to it. I would like my actual causes to be, like, climate change and food justice and socialized medicine! It's a bummer to me that I have to spend so much of my life asserting my own basic humanity, and I would like even more of the straight world to come around and join me in just not thinking my transness or my bisexuality are particularly fascinating aspects of my personality.

I don't know, I've just never been a "queer as in fuck you" person, and I never am going to be -- I can certainly get mad enough to be combative at times, but that's not fundamentally who I am or how I see the world. I like communities and I like getting along with people when I can, I like social safety nets and good neighbors and ethics of care, and I don't want people -- including me! -- to feel forced to the margins of their families and communities and churches and schools and jobs. I think it's good to want to belong to things and painful and often traumatic to be excluded and shunned. I know you do have to set some functional limits to your inclusion, paradox of tolerance and all that, but I also think you don't make a good life or a good world without some degree of learning to practice civility and coalition building and compromise. Those are the things that make communities, because if you can only deal with the people you easily mesh with, that's gonna end up being simply not enough people to survive.

So I want to draw boundaries wide, for practical purposes, and also because like I said, that is my core value, that people have inherent worth and dignity that doesn't depend on their actions or their ideas, but simply on the fact of their humanity. I think queer people need advocacy and need respect and need community even if I also think those people are full of shit, and my allegiance to the idea of queerness has always been about that respect -- that you don't need to justify exactly where you fit in order to fit here, that we make room for people to be themselves who have otherwise been told it's not okay to be themselves.

[imkalla]

📖 Book topic.

Hi,

a few weeks ago i posted that i was finishing “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” by Taylor Jenkins Reid.

I did it.

I finished it -although it was actually about two weeks ago on my night train ride, that i did.

I wanted to take some time to think about what the book means to me and also i was quite busy those past two weeks. Studies, uh.

So, someone wants a review? Here it goes, but just a little disclaimer that it will contain spoilers.

The story is very intriguing from the begging. We are welcome with the mystery of seven marriages of the icon actress Evelyn Hugo, who is being “interviewed” by Monique - our second narrator. They are writing a biography. Evelyn takes us on a journey to her past, telling us in details about her life - how did she became popular and what are the costs of that lifestyle.

Each of the husband has its own section in the book as the story unfolds. It makes the book more structured. Also, above each name of each man there are some adjectives describing them, which i think is a nice insight to the story.

What i also think is quite clever are the unspoken words Evelyn says while retrospecting. I caught pretty early on that Harry Cameron is a gay man. I would love to say that it was actually written all over his face, but- well, i’ve never seen him. She did hint he was part of the queer community, though she never said it - and that’s what gave it away for me. That’s also why i kind of expected the queer motive to pop up some more in the book. I wasn’t surprised when she fell in love with Celia or when she found out she was bisexual.

I think those are extremely important parts of the book. Because it shaped her, and we get to know where it came from. Also because at the beginning of the book there is a question stated: “Who was the love of Evelyn Hugo? Which husband did she loved the most? Who was the one for her?” She gladly tells us that the love of her life was no man - it was her wife. This shows us a common misconception about public figures. We might think we know them but we don’t. Every celebrity out there has their own private life we know nothing about. What’s in the paper and on all the photos is a daydream, a fairytale told to sell. It’s all just for the right publicity. She tells us exactly that we might think we know, but we don’t.

I think it’s also very interesting how she talks about her marriages and divorces. I remember that one quote she said while she was taking with Monique. It says:

“Heartbreak is loss, divorce is a piece of paper.”

I think it’s beautiful in its honesty. I loved to see her different takes on marriage and divorce. It made me reflect on my own life, where my parents are, as of exactly today, finally divorced. It made me see the fallout of love in a different perspective. The divorce is essentially a heartbreak. So simple yet it took me a lot of time contemplating to finally feel the weight of those words. It was heartbreaking on its own.

Thinking about it especially in my 20s is a weird sensation. The questions flooding: How to prevent heartbreak from happening? Can we even prevent it? How can we choose our marriages wisely enough so there is less risk of it?

Let’s take an example in Monique. A young journalist, on the verge of divorce. She has so many questions about it, so many thoughts. Talking with Evelyn eventually gives her the courage and awareness to make the right step and divorce her husband. They did not fit. It felt like a failure. But she was still young. She just had to see it. She also had to find herself, as we get to know at the end of the book, it was not an accident for the two of them to meet.

Lets finish this long “review” which is really just what i think about the book tbh.

In summary: i like it. I like how many motives it has, how it makes you rethink how you view the world just a little bit. How it comes to your mind at a random moment, pops a scene in your head then fades away slowly, but just enough, so the thought of it could linger in your mind. And i think what i love about it, but haven’t mentioned it, is how it really shows us a female character and her life. Essentially a woman, but with world expectations around her. How she was twisting and turning to survive, but found her way into this world. She made a mark, created something that will outlive her, and she lived a life, showed in this book.

If you read all the way here,

thank you,

and have a beautiful day <33

-K

[bitchlessbiped]

BB!

Kojima's game death stranding is so good. like so fucking good. It's silly, it's on the nose, yet somehow deep and evocative. Scenes make you laugh and sit in silent contemplation within minutes, I'm serious. I don't think a game has touched me on this level before. I never knew a game about walking could affect my mentality on the day to day. That's an oversimplification ofc.

The basic premise is that you play the role of a delivery person at the end of the world. In this vast, expansive muddy field of unknown and known sci-fi dangers, your job is to reconnect people, as different as they may be, to join the United Cities of America (I'm not a patriot nor do I pretend to be, but the in-game equivalent of post-apocalyptic USA seems just so far... after all, capitalism, the main source of their evil, has crumbled to ash). Being paid nothing, you deliver much-needed medicine to elder survivors, collectible items to enthusiasts, you pave roads to retread delivery paths with more ease, you even build bridges. Your name is Sam "Porter" Bridges. Yes, the on-the-nose factor begins from the get-go. You work for a company called the Bridges company, so named because you link people together. You carry a little fetus in a pod named BB. He loves you! Take care of him.

hi bb!

As stated before, this world does not run on money. It runs on a completely materially free currency called "Likes". You appreciate someone's delivery? Their courageous act, time and effort? You give them time and effort back by sending them a few likes! It's so silly. Even though I'm receiving likes from NPCs and giving them to other players, I feel so full of love. It means so much more to me than giving me cold, hard, cash that I can progress in the game with. Instead, the game's progression is hinged on how many voluntary deliveries you do for people. Your motive is only to serve and feel purpose in your serving. You get better items and more personal, fun, interesting dialogue the more you deliver. Clients run the gamut from welcoming to skeptical to outright hostile at first. But through deliveries, through pure kindness, you change their minds. They become very grateful and express it directly in front of you. In return for risking your neck to deliver objects that hold such great value to them, they give you things in return. I don't have the space to talk about characters here but rest assured they are voiced so well and mean so much to the story. Post-delivery, you feel amazing. After all, this is your vocation. Rough terrain challenges you, the enemies are terrifying and simply annoying at times. You're so often alone and mentally exhausted. Other players (never seen or heard of) may leave structures for you, and similarly, you can leave structures for them too. A generator to recharge their vehicles, a thoughtfully placed ladder for others to use, even a personal bunker. Every time you use one you can't help but think, thanks so much!! You try to contribute too. You're part of a larger network of porters.

Yesterday was terrifying. I don't even have the words to describe it without straining myself. This democratically elected, won fair and square, unilaterally disgusting change of power locks in some of the most dystopian changes we're going to see in our lifetimes. Women's rights are going back to, essentially, the early 20th century. Queer kids all over the country will be oppressed and left to die. The felon president-elect will all but ensure that climate change will destroy life as we know it within the next 100 years. As world leaders, the United States will lead the charge on all of these things and prove to the rest of the world that it can be done. We don't have the time left to tolerate these ridiculous human rights infringements as it is. Now these bastards are adding them up.

So is it over? Possibly. But is it done? Not yet. It's.... close to being done. I mean, the GOP have the courts and all three major branches of government. You know, those distinct branches of government that were created to prevent absolute despotism for one singular interest? Yeah. That one. Actually?? Nah It might just be done now that I think about it. But that doesn't make my point moot.

"Everyone is connected to someone." That's what Die-Hardman from Death Stranding says. You can help someone, and that person helps someone, so you helped the person at the end of the chain! The satisfaction alone powers your gracious, but completely natural act. We're all a part of something. Don't give up on your fellow people. I love that about Death Stranding. It might be corny at times, it might be "some nerd's passion project"... It's unadulterated positivity, though. Every act, every message invokes so much kindness and hope. Hope that we can get better if and when we get together. Be kind to each other, please.

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[sitp-recs]

Hello! This is my first time sending you an ask, and I firstly wanted to say that I really treasure your fic recs and all the work and organisation that goes behind the scenes for us to have such a complex and orderly way of finding new works to read. Thank you for this blog! Secondly, I wanted to know if you have any fics in which the characterisation for either Harry or Draco (or both) is your favourite (my favourite Harry is @letteredlettered 's He Who Must Not Be Normal, but I still haven't found my favourite Draco. Oof!). What made the way the boys are written special to you, and what drew you in to the way they were written? This might be a difficult ask, and I may have waffled, but I just wanted to let you know how much your blog and your work means to me. Thank you for doing this. I hope you're having fun running this blog!

Oh wow thanks so much for the lovely words, I’m humbled! It always makes my day to learn that so many people enjoy the blog even now that I’m not as active and only doing reclists. Thank you ❤️

That’s a very interesting question and it means a lot that you care to know my thoughts on it! I should probably preface this by saying that I’m fairly flexible when it comes to plot, tropes and characterization. There are very few things, if any, that I’m strict about - I’ve read and enjoyed so many different takes and at this point I can confidently say that for me, fic is more about compelling characters and a moving story. I’m 100% able to enjoy opposite interpretations of the same characters, if it makes sense within the specific context. You mentioned He Who Must Not Be Normal and that fic is such a great example! When I first read it, Harry shook me to the core - it took me a while to overcome the unease of seeing such a broken version of him, yet the universe @letteredlettered created is so compelling and nuanced, so full of realness and catharsis, it was impossible not to feel hooked!

Speaking of Lettered - who happens to be one of my all-time favorite authors - their works are certainly among my favorites in terms of plot + characterization combo. I LOVE their Harry in By the Grace more than I can explain in words. He’s so beautifully complex, mature, tenacious, observant, self-aware and straightforward. His devotion to Teddy hit me in a spot I didn’t know I had inside my heart, and it was fascinating to follow his journey towards self-forviveness and love. Another personal fave is @tackytigerfic’s Harry in Modern Love. I strongly relate to his wistful way of perceiving life and friendship; I love and admire his kind heart and generosity of spirit, his courage, his intuition and even his self-deprecating and jealous moments; Tacky built him in a very human way that left me both aching and contemplative. I could also mention ignatiustrout’s young Harry losing and finding himself in Here’s the Pencil, and similarly his adult version in @writcraft’s The Beauty of Thestrals in his lonely self-discovery journey. On that note, bisexual Harry is one of my top favorite headcanons and I love how these two authors portray coming out moments and the queer experience in general, across their works.

As for Draco, I like him best when he’s smart and bossy, sarcastic but in a friendly way, a tad bit calculating and defensive, partially bold and partially cowardly, partially remorseful and partially unapologetic, passionate, yearning for freedom but struggling to reconcile past and future, will and duty. Three fics come to mind as I’ve read and loved them on different stages of my life: The Boy Who Only Lived Twice (again by Lettered 😂), What We Pretend We Can’t See by gyzym, On One’s Knees by pir8fancier. Special mention to @bonesliketambourines’s brilliant portrayal in her smutty short in charge - I went feral with smitten Harry indulging bossy, spoiled Draco. In my humble opinion these fics are a Draco triumph, each in their own way!

Wow apparently this became a dissertation, I’m so sorry for derailing! I’m curious to know what you guys think so feel free to fuel the thread and add your thoughts and recs! Thanks again for the ask, I appreciate it :)

[binch-i-might-be]

hi hello here are the lines from your fics that made me feel things and why

Love is never a sin, it’s the one thing we all have in common

Actually sat there trying not to cry because this is something I struggled a lot with.

But his daughter was dead, and George was still there, left to contemplate what kind of God would punish a saint and let the sinner walk free.

Sat there with tears in my eyes and mouth gaping because holy fuck I got chills

John wasn’t broken, he was whole in a different way.

This means the whole god damn world to me <3

“I don’t mind it, John. I don’t mind people like you. You exist, you are a human just as I am, and you have the right to find happiness with someone you love.”

This! This was something I didn't realise I needed until I read this and I went "oh holy shit dude god-"

He knew they were ugly–it was alright. They could be ugly. They didn’t define him.

I struggle with this a lot, my sh scars. And I'm not there yet but this line had me staring and like...I'll get there hopefully. Not yet, but one day and this gave me hope.

…she wouldn’t hate him, would she? No, she wouldn’t. She was too sweet, and Alex was fairly sure she didn’t have it in her to hate anyone–but what if she didn’t accept them like Pa had? Didn’t accept him? Did he even want her love if she couldn’t love all of him?

Yes, he thought with no small amount of shame. Yes, he wanted it, he craved it. Alex had already lost a mother, he couldn’t lose her, too.

Ah yes, when shit got so relatable I was trying not to cry :)

“Is falling in love with the wrong person a worse crime than taking another man’s life for a good cause?”

No words. Just this.

“I want you to remember you’re not a child anymore. You are a grown man, and if Henry fucking Laurens crosses a line with you, you can just walk away. You are not obligated to listen to anything he says.”

THIS! IS! SO! IMPORTANT!

But in the end, a man who had fathered a bastard suffered nowhere near the same scorn as a woman who bore one.

This is the realist shit I have ever read.

And even if they had tried to put themselves in their shoes, they would never understand what it truly felt like. The underlying anxiety, attached to them like a shadow, there in the most comfortable and innocent of conversations.

The little voice in the back of his head, whispering to him that if he slipped up just once, if a single poorly phrased joke landed wrong enough, it could plant suspicion in someone's head.

If someone caught him staring at John when his thoughts wandered, if someone saw their fingers brush when they were standing next to each other, thinking nothing of it–until they noticed that neither of them had pulled away, that their fingers perhaps arched a bit to chance another touch-

It was a lot.

She wouldn't understand.

Alex all of a sudden felt very alone.

I felt this in my bones. This feeling! THIS!

“Stop apologising the actions of people who hurt you. Stop. You don’t deserve to be hurt. Henry Laurens deserves to die a slow and miserable death for ever instilling that notion into you, and I don’t deserve to be forgiven just because I wasn’t thinking straight when I hurt you. I still hurt you.” He softened his voice when John blinked and a tear fell from his eye; his lips began to quiver, and he ducked his head to hide it. “I can only apologise and promise to never do it again. And I won’t, son, I won’t. You’re family now, and if anyone ever puts their hands on you again, I expect you to tell me right away, do you understand me?”

AGAIN SO IMPORTANT! MY BOY!

okay that's it now I'm gonna read Sins of the father till I pass out from exhaustion <3

first of all, I love this so much?? that you took the time to copy out specific lines and tell me why they stuck with you?? it's so interesting and rewarding for me to see what parts of my writing strike a cord with someone <3

and like, the fact that these are mostly about self-acceptance and healing and queerness just makes it even more special for me personally. I haven't struggled with my own sexuality in years, but the thought my writing may have helped someone in that regard means the world to me.

I would say we're probably all still working on healing and growing, so. very glad you could find the boys' respective struggles relatable :)

so yeah, thank you for sending me this, it definitely made my night when I first received it!!!

(Sins Of The Father is always a great choice, I had a blast with that one :))

[melofanish]

Have Me, Have You, Have Us

@carlosreyesweek Day 3: “Well, that just happened” + Friendship.

Summary:  Five times Carlos reveals something about himself that no one else knows, and it helps him get closer to the 126 crew, and one time the 126 knows something that Carlos doesn't.

This is a multi-chaptered fic. I've tried to write them all in time to be published together, but by God, they weren't having it. I still haven't decided how I'll update, but I'm thinking bi-weekly. Tags will be updated accordingly.

Tags: Carlos Reyes, TK Strand, Paul Strickland, Marjan Marwani, Mateo Chavez, Judd Ryder, Owen Strand, Michelle Blake, Original Female Character, Original Male Character, Developing Friendship.

Warnings: Mentions of Past Homophobia.

Beta: The owner of my soul @lire-casander

Read on AO3

---

Chapter 1: Paul: Live This Life, It's All We Have

Carlos walks into the honky-tonk a mere forty-five minutes after his shift ended. He was on the way home when TK called him and asked if he would detour. He likes the man, so it didn't need much pondering over.

He sees TK standing in front of one of the multiple dartboards hung on the wall, alongside Michelle, Captain Strand, Judd, Marjan and Mateo. They seem to be engrossed in a contest, if the annoyance on Marjan's face, the smugness in Judd's and the paper and pen in Mateo's hand are anything to go by.

He hesitates for a moment, the idea of walking into the middle of the group to greet them sends a slight shiver down his back and he quickly decides he'll wait for them to finish. He spots Paul sitting at the self-claimed "126 table." He moves towards the bar, ordering mineral water, before he grabs his drink and walks towards the man. Recognising TK's jacket slung over the chair right next to Paul, he plops on the next stool over.

Paul turns around, a hint of surprise in his eyes, until the realisation of who this hits him, and it's replaced with a smile.

"Hey, man."

"Hey," Carlos greets him back, "how you doing?"

Paul shrugs, and even though it's not much, Carlos understands the meaning behind it all the same. They fall into a comfortable silence, Carlos' eyes roaming the open area ahead of them. Three girls stand in the corner, dancing quietly amongst each other, two elderly men occupy a booth, Carlos gets the vibe that they're trading life-altering experiences. More "dudebros" hang around the snooker tables and dartboards. Carlos is about to focus back on TK, when he notices a singular woman sitting in a booth alone, a drink in her hand, a small, shy smile on her lips and eyes trained somewhere on their table.

Carlos frowns. He turns around, about to ask for some super-human Paul deduction powers when he realises that Paul is staring right back at her. A shy smile on his face too.

Carlos blinks. He looks back at the woman and sees that her eyes are now on her table, and then he turns to Paul, and his eyes are roaming the ceiling of the bar. He turns back to the woman, and now she's looking at Paul again. And Paul has his eyes locked on her.

Carlos curls into himself slightly, trying to get out of their visual field. He's sitting somewhat between them, and he'd like to not be. He concentrates on his drink, and everything else in the bar that isn't Paul and his potential lady friend.

A few minutes later, he can't help but look towards her again. She's got her phone out now, scrolling up and down on the screen. Turning to Paul, he finds he's looking at his drink as well.

Carlos goes baffled. The woman is clearly interested in Paul, and while he might not be a super-detective like the other man, he can tell that the feeling is reciprocated. And yet, they're both just sitting here, alternating between eye flirting and avoidance. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he slides into the chair in between them.

"So, you're just not going to talk to her?"

Paul gawks at him, eyes widening in clear shock before he schools his reaction into some form of indifference.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Man," Carlos starts, rolling his eyes at the man, "I may not have the Gods of perception poised on my shoulders, but I'm not that blind!"

Paul narrows his eyes in response. Carlos is pretty sure he's going for accusation, but he's been trained to pick up on anything underneath, and in this case, it's a moment of contemplation. Whatever it is though, Paul seems to have made up his mind on it rather quickly. He sighs and looks down at his drink again.

"It's hard, man. Last thing I need is another rejection."

Carlos can't help the wave of sympathy that goes through him. The again that Paul’s not saying takes him back to the night they went clubbing. TK hadn't said much about why, just that a friend needed a night to have fun and forget about things.

"Ahh. Yeah. That's the queer life."

Paul snorts in reply, "Yeah, not all of us can find the one gay firefighter transfer and charm the pants off him."

Carlos lets out some mix of a loud laugh and a snort.

"Hey! I'm lucky right now, but that doesn't mean growing up didn't suck."

He can tell he's said too much by the way Paul goes quiet, and the atmosphere around them changes. With both understanding and pain. They look at each other, sharing a sympathetic smile, trying to convey a silent "yeah? You too?"

"Parents took it hard?" Paul asks.

Carlos lets out a genuine smile at that. If there's one thing he was blessed with the moment he was born, it was his family.

"The family was amazing. It's everyone else that wasn't."

Paul doesn't ask after that, not verbally at least. Carlos can see the questions in his eyes. He takes a calming breath. No one knows the story that's swarming around his mind right now. Michelle might have collected and connected bits and pieces through the years, but other than that, no one in Austin knows about his childhood.

But here he is. He's okay. And he has a friend who is in a place he was in years ago. Fighting with acceptance and fear of rejection. He takes another breath.

"I came out to my dad and sister when I was 12. Everything went well. They were supportive, pledged their love, all of that," he starts. "A few weeks later though, I started finding notes in my locker."

Paul lets out a groan, undeniably aware of what kind of notes Carlos is talking about.

"A few weeks after the notes started, I got called into the principal’s office and told that my dad would be informed and they would help us "change my homosexual ways", he added, air quotations included.

It takes him back to a decade and a half ago. When a young, short and lanky Carlos was in science class, the notes hidden in the depth of his backpack. When the school speakers boomed with the principal's voice saying "Carlos Reyes, please report to the Principal's office. Carlos Reyes, please report to the Principal's office." He remembers thinking, hoping, that it was about the notes, that the principal will ask who is sending him the vile words, and will make them stop.

He remembers standing up to leave, and the teacher, Mr. Roger, telling to pack his bag as well. He remembers hearing a strange tone, but not quite understanding it. He knows now it was poison, venom, hate. He remembers doing it anyway. He remembers the walk down the hallway, bag on his shoulders, and the teachers glaring at him through the glass slits in the doors.

He remembers getting to the office. The secretary, Ms. Harding, holding his hand, telling him "The Lord will cure you." He remembers not knowing what they meant. Not knowing what they were talking about. He doesn't get the chance to ask. He remembers being led to the Principal's room, the big office much more intimidating to his twelve-year-old eyes than it should have been. He remembers the nameplate; a large golden script of "Mr. Steve Atwood" and a smaller "Principal of Lubbock Junior High School" on a wooden piece. He remembers thinking it wasn't normal wood, it was red, and he didn't know wood could be red.

He remembers Mr. Atwood speaking, telling him that life is ruled by the Bible and God and Jesus. That he's a child who can still change. That this isn't the way to continue living. That his dad will be informed. That he will get help. That there are camps. That he will stop being this way.

"Were you out at school?" Paul asks, the horror evident in his tone.

It's the same horror Carlos remembers feeling when they were leaving church a few weeks before the incident, his sister by his side and their dad a few steps up ahead, talking to a neighbour. His sister had pointed towards a rainbow flag hung on the house across the street from the church. "We should get you one and hang it at home, that way the other boys like you will know where to find you," she had giggled. He had giggled right along with her, until he heard a gasp coming from behind him, and turned to find Mrs. Atwood behind him, eyes wide as he stared down at him in what he now knows was disgust. He remembers the fear that ran through him. But then his sister ran ahead. And he had followed her.

"Not really, but it doesn't make a difference," he explains. "It's not like they would have been supportive if I sat them down and told them."

Paul shakes his head, and then asks, "And then what happened?"

"My dad came in somewhere through the dialogue, I remember Mr. Atwood standing up, trying to greet him, but he was mad. Angry in a way I've never seen before. He told me to go outside and wait for him."

Carlos pauses, the memory assaulting his senses. "I heard him screaming at the principal, saying that it wasn't Mr. Atwood's place to talk to me, that I was a child, that it was none of his business. That I wouldn’t be coming back to that school again."

He remembers the entire interaction like it was mere days ago. His dad walking out of the office, squatting down to Carlos' level and asking him if he had all his things. Carlos had answered a weak "yes", and his dad was already holding his hand, pulling him out of the school and into the car.

"He was quiet throughout the car ride. We turned into our street, but he just kept going, saying he forgot to get something from the store. He started to joke around with me then, telling me he was the World's Strongest Man and he could carry me, and the car and everything and anything. I played right along, and somehow, I found myself agreeing that if he could carry me then he was as strong as he said. We circled around the block, didn't even go to any stores, and parked in front of our porch. He pulled me through his door, hid my head in his neck and ran me home."

Carlos pauses. He can see Paul frowning over the story losing sense. Just like he had thought for so long. It never made sense to him why his dad carried him. Why that day? Why that fast? Until…

"I later found out that someone had written the wonderful “f” slur on our garage door, and he didn't want me to see that."

Paul smiles and nods. Carlos knows there is nothing else he could do. There are no words or actions to express what he felt when he found that out. His dad, the man that had spent his everything raising him, seeing something he knew would hurt his child, and doing everything in his power to protect him. If he turns out to be half the father his dad was, he would consider himself a good father.

"We started packing almost immediately, and we were out of that town in a week. He wouldn't let me or my sister leave the house, not even to play in the yard, throughout the week. Dad said he got a transfer, but he was home for a month, so I have a feeling that wasn't exactly true."

"He just packed y'all up and brought you here?" Paul asks.

"Yes. That's exactly what he did. He wanted us to live freely. To love freely. And he knew we wouldn't be able to do that in Lubbock. So he moved us out."

"To Austin?"

"Yeah, I mean, it was miles better than Lubbock, so, no complaints." Paul hums, but Carlos isn't done, "And plus, I met you, my new bestest friend in Austin!"

Paul laughs at that, and Carlos can't help but join him at Paul's mumbled "Yeah, right!"

The laughter dies down, and the easy silence returns. Carlos lifts the drink to his lips, eyes searching for TK. He sees him practically hanging off Mateo, arms around his shoulders. Marjan butts in between, shaking her hands towards the board while TK makes some sort of hand gesture. They're trying to show Mateo how to throw a dart, he realises. Slightly to their side, Michelle, Captain Strand and Judd hang around, beers in hands, looking pleased. His vision roams the bar again, falling on the woman, and it dawns on him that he never got to tell Paul what started the whole story in the first place.

The realisation sends him into a frenzy. He turns to Paul, only to, of course, find him looking at the woman. He pokes Paul's arm, and his eyes break off her to focus back on Carlos.

"I didn't tell you my coming out story because I had nothing better to do, you know," Carlos starts. "I have more story."

Paul shakes his head, a smile on his face, before making a "go ahead" gesture with his hands.

"When we moved here, my dad sat me down, and told me that he had my back, and that I should live free. Be the person that I am, who happens to be gay. And I thought that would be it, you know, I'd live now. My family was supportive. I was in an open city. I had it all good."

"But?" Paul interrupts.

"But. It wasn't that easy. That interaction with the principal and the looks of the teachers hit me harder the more I grew up, the more I started to understand what they meant. And I found myself a seventeen-year-old gay guy that was out in every way but wasn’t really out. I wouldn't ask anyone out. I wouldn't flirt. I wouldn't even let myself look at guys. All because I was afraid of that judgement and rejection and hate."

Paul huffs a breath, eyes moving to stare at the table. Carlos doesn't speak either. He knows that's what this is all about. The fear of not being accepted. Of not being taken in and liked because of something as trivial as their identity. He knows Paul is contemplating the situation. The win-loss ratio. He knows he did, many times before. He still does.

"How did you get over it?"

Carlos is so lost in his own thoughts and emotions, he almost misses the mumbled question. He takes a breath, letting it out almost instantly in a sigh.

"My dad told me that I had spent too much time in fear. If I'm out, I might as well be out, live life, love life, and stop taking every rejection like it's the end of the world."

Paul nods, looking away at the woman across the bar, before Carlos continues, "When I still complained though, he then said "stop letting homophobic dickhead assholes control your life, if you like dick then you like dick, if the dick you like is a judgemental dick then find a better dick"."

Paul whips his head up to stare at Carlos, realises he is being serious, and proceeds to break out in a booming laugh. Carlos feigns offence for a moment, withdrawing his hand and holding it to his chest.

"You dare make fun of my father's sage advise?!"

Paul is still laughing, letting out broken no's and never's. Carlos drops the act, hands landing on the table and laughing with Paul, until it dies down.

"How did your nerdy self come from such wisdom?" Paul asks, after they take a moment to catch their breath.

"Hey! I took after his wisdom and handsomeness, I'll have you know!"

Paul snorts as he looks at the woman again, and Carlos turns his head just in time to see her lift her head up, make eye contact with Paul, and smile. He hears Paul inhale, and then, the scratch of a stool on wooden flooring.

He looks back at Paul, and finds that he's on his feet, fixing his pants. A grin takes over his face, and Paul levels him with a glare. It does nothing to diminish the excitement he feels when Paul pats his shoulder as he moves to the woman's table. The happy smile that takes over her face increases his own. And when she gestures at the empty seat across her - after a moment of talking - and Paul slides in, he realises that his heart beats with joy for him.

He's brought out to focus when arms circle his torso, and the very familiar lips of one TK Strand press a kiss on his cheek.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"What's Paul doing?" TK says, gesturing with his chin towards the booth they're in.

"Going after the proverbial dick he likes."

[lovelivingmydreams]

A story by heroes and Villains

Season 2: Secrets revealed Logan Anker: Old wounds and worries

Master list book 1

The wounds of the past can hurt. Not just you but your surroundings. No wonder we keep those secret to protect them... or is it ourselves we are protecting mort that way?

Waiting until the end of patrol was torture.

Logan didn’t like talking about the past. At all. He had trouble talking about Hannah and Caleb in any capacity to Virgil, or Patton, or Thomas or even Picani. And the Collector… Logan wanted to forget about him. But he couldn’t. If he was honest, that man showed up in his nightmares to this day. And he likely would keep showing up until he was behind bars. Patton and Thomas did their best to comfort him. A gesture he appreciated even though it wasn’t very effective. Finally Prince arrived. The young hero took in the atmosphere in the room and was clearly annoyed. “Listen, I promise I was safe. But I could’ve been in the middle of talking someone out of making a bad decision at the time. You can’t just shout in my ear out of nowhere. That was dangerous and frankly, I expect you to be more levelheaded BS. Anny other night and Logan would have insisted Prince gave him a detailed debrief on what exactly was so important that he couldn’t even let them know he was okay. But today… “That isn’t what this is about Prince. Take a seat,” Thomas instructed. Giving Logan a moment more to collect his thoughts. “Ok…” Prince said as he sat down, Looking around confused. Logan took a last moment to calm himself before he started his story with an apology. “Prince. I must offer you my sincere apologies. I didn’t want to tell you this right away, and maybe I should have.” Had his decision really been about allowing Prince to live his dream before burdening him? Was withholding the truth for Prince’s benefit? Or his own? “You shouldn’t have gone out without knowing the risks… We talked a little about nemeses during your training.” Prince nodded. Clearly still confused. “Yeah, but I doubt I’ve done anything that warrants one yet. Those come later in a career unless…” Prince paused, frowning. “But you were a villain. Any nemeses you had would be heroes… Right?” Prince was a good student indeed. He’d realized that Logan was telling him he was about to inherit his mentor’s past. And he had a good point. A nemeses of Logan would be on the side of the heroes. “Technically, the collector isn’t my nemesis. At least not in the traditional sense,” he agreed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Ever since he stopped using his powers, high stress situations got him small headaches that got worse over time. “I’ll start from the beginning,” he said, thinking back to a time he’d erase from his life all together if he could. “I became a villain because I needed the money and fast. Plain and simple. Any legal means were insufficient, so I made a name for myself and eventually, when I said ‘give me 10.000 dollars or I destroy this building,’ people handed me the money because they knew I very easily could make good on my threats. I always picked an amount they could easily provide without harming the business or individual too much financially. One day I found myself running from the police force. I had misjudged the time it would take them to arrive,” he had gotten arrogant with success. “And I got helped by a stranger in a haphazardly put together disguise. When we lost them and caught our breath, he introduced himself as ‘the collector’. I fairly quickly understood him to be a fanboy of sorts. He was a big fan of my ‘work’, though he misunderstood the intention entirely. Not that I could get him to understand that.” Everything he said that didn’t fit Collector’s narrative was ignored or dismissed. “He thought I was taking the money as proof that I was superior or something like that. I didn’t listen too closely to his speech at the time. I was concerned with getting away. He said he wanted to help me. Gifted were still considered fairly new. Nowadays most people alive have lived most of their lives in a world with gifted.” The first super powered individuals had appeared around the time Logan was born. “But back then, most of the population still saw it as strange and there weren’t any real initiatives to help train the powers. So the gifted that were around often were untrained and had their powers act up without warning. Which could be quite destructive.” Logan recalled the park bench and every instance of loss of control after that, all the way up to a wine glass in a restaurant less than a year ago. He looked at his pupil to make sure he hadn’t lost his attention. The wide, attentive, green eyes and firm nod told him he still had an audience. “Anyway, the collector thought that people should respect and celebrate our existence. He compared the stigmas we faced to those of people of color, or the LGBTQ+ community, then still called the Gay or Queer community. He said it very nicely, it almost sounded reasonable, if you ignored the slight notes of supremacy. And if I had been trying to ‘stick it to the man’ as they say, I might have been tempted. But I just wanted…” to pay form my sisters treatment and my research for a cure. “I was selfish in my actions and therefore not interested in his big revolution, which turned out to be a good thing in some ways.” He didn’t want to even imagine the kind of person he’d be then. He wouldn’t have Patton that was for sure. And Virgil… No. He was glad Virgil was kept away from that madness. And he intended to keep it that way. “I told him I wasn’t interested in leading any resistance, thanked him for the assistance and left. Shortly after this, I encountered Manifestor for the first time. He blessed one of the people in the building with super speed.” Said gifted was now one of the heroes patrolling the city. He was actually one of the heroes who’s territory Prince shared. Thomas hadn’t gotten the hang of permanent and temporary power boosts yet at the time. It was always a game of chance. Thomas chuckled. “I remember. I was so pleased that it worked.” Pleased was one word for it. “You were insufferably delighted, even though I defeated your champion.” While he and StarBucker were amicable nowadays, at the time, Logan had been thoroughly annoyed at the inconvenience. But thinking back to Thomas’ triumphant smile he could not quite help his own amusement. “You did retreat though,” Thomas pointed out. “I stalled you long enough to make you give up that mark and head out. So it was a win for me.” Logan let out a sigh, he couldn’t argue with that, but they were getting of topic. “I saw the Collector a few more times after that, though I managed to avoid conversation. One day, during a stalemate with Manifestor, he asked me about him. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who’d been approached about his plans. He had actually advanced them. He was now not only collecting gifted, but also individuals worthy of a gift. Be it they joined him out of free will, or got persuaded through different means.” Blackmail, intimidation, manipulation. Those were the collector’s tools. “And he wanted me to ‘grant them that blessing’,” Thomas added uneasy. Logan patted his old friend on the back in support. A conversation with the collector had never been a fun experience for either of them. “Manifestor had enlisted the help of others to free some of his victims,” Logan continued. “The Collector claimed I was championing his cause. I assured Manifestor that I had no intention of assisting in his plans. That is about the time Manifestor started winning me over to redemption.” He thought back to those times with a bittersweet feeling. He’d been so excited by the idea. A nice place for him and Hannah to live. A good job that would let him take care of her and have her be proud of him. Things hadn’t gone quite how he’d wanted, but at the same time, one thing had gone better than he could ever have imagined. “Next time I spotted Collector, I told him in the plainest possible terms that I was not interested…” It should have been a firm ending to this story. Or so he had thought. That was naïve of him, he now knew that. Obsession and fanaticism don’t disappear just because one piece of that craziness did not cooperate. He’d been arrogant once again. Thinking too highly of himself. It took him a moment to continue. “He assured me I would be…” He suppressed a shiver as he recalled the polite, almost pleasant way he’d spoken. Sort of soothing. As if Logan had merely been a child afraid to go in the swimming pool and Collector was indulging him for the moment. “I haven’t seen him since, but that promise… I don’t know what exactly he has been up to in the past 14 years. But one can only imagine how someone like that matures... Or what he has planned for me when he finds me.” Or much more importantly, his loved ones. Thomas, Patton, Virgil, the Bullards who despite the current situation were still family to him, and Prince too if he was completely honest. There was no telling what Logan would do if any of them… Not now. “Prince, the collector will not consider you his enemy. But he is yours. Anyone who meets his criteria of ‘worthy’, is at risk. And he does not take no for an answer.” The words had barely settled in the room or Prince shot up panicked. “Phantom!” he exclaimed. “Phantom might be in danger! What if someone on the chief’s team passes on information to Him? Or what if he has connections to these crime organizations!? I’ve got to go out now and find him…” Prince was clearly about to head out again right away. Admirable, but not very prudent given the circumstances. “Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow you can try again. Even if you find him, you are not in the right state of mind to deliver this kind of news delicately.” Prince paused, clearly contemplating his words. Seeing, or feeling, an opening, Patton added his two cents. “You’ve done great today sport! You just go home and sleep on what you’ve learned. Tomorrow night there is another patrol and you might run into him then.” And to make the set complete, Thomas finished: “I’m glad you are so eager to meet this young hero Prince. Just know that there is no pressure. They’ve been evading unwanted contact for almost a year now. It is okay if you don’t find them right away. And we’ll give you the support you need.” Prince clearly did not like it but he conceded. “Can I ask a favor though? Can I bring him some of that dye and a modulator? I doubt he’ll have a very sophisticated disguise if he’s on his own. It could be a sign of comradery?” he explained awkwardly. Logan nodded. It made sense, and it wouldn’t take him long. He led Prince through a few doors to his lab. Once he got to his desk he put his family picture down. It was a digital picture frame that played an album of family pictures once the camera registered his face in front of the desk. Even if Prince didn’t look at it on purpose he might catch a glance of Virgil, Patton or him in passing. And Prince was a curious person. His territory included Logan’s new neighborhood, he might see Virgil on one of his runs while he was on patrol. Or see any of them in passing. For Prince’s safety and that of Logan’s family, he wouldn’t take risks. He handed Prince a black hairdye stick. Fitting for a gifted who relied on stealth. He picked up a dark purple modulator, the darkest color he had and plugged it in to program it. Prince clearly had an idea of how Phantom’s voice should sound. “Could you make it so it’s like, deepened by an octave and doubled? With an echo effect?” Logan nodded. It fit the moniker Phantom was given, that was for certain. “Thank you. This should help a lot,” Prince grinned as he took the modulator. “I shall be heading home now,” he bid before leaving the lab, followed by Logan who watched him get in the elevator to leave the facility. Logan let out a relieved sigh. “Come on. Let’s go home and see Virgil,” Patton said gently, knowing what Logan needed right now. Logan smiled gratefully and as they headed up, he handed Patton the keys. He didn’t feel clear of mind enough to handle driving tonight. He let Virgil know they were on their way so he would know to expect them. Otherwise he might think they were burglars.

When they got home they found Virgil on the couch with his headphones on. He looked up and smiled as he spotted them. “Welcome back. I gotta ask though. Who’s your fourth guy?” he asked playfully. Logan blinked confused. “What do you mean?” “For your poker nights,” Virgil joked. Patton giggled at Logan’s side, taking the lead. “No cardgames I’m afraid kiddo. We’ll tell you about the project once it’s finished. It’s all confidential for now I’m afraid,” he said. Virgil cocked his head and studied Patton for a moment, then he shrugged. “Okay, Keep your secrets,” he sighed as he stretched and got up. “Night Pat, night Lo,” he said casually as he headed to the door. Logan cringed a little at that. Lately his son, on occasion, used his surname. He was assured by Picani that this was in no way a reflection of Virgil’s affection for Logan as a father. He had no less than 3 fathers now. Him, Patton and an unknown biological father. To differentiate between the three he likely used surnames in his head. Which may slip out verbally on occasion. Even knowing that, it stung a little. “Goodnight Virgil, I love you,” Logan replied, trying not to show his inner discourse. Virgil paused in the door and looked back with a smile. “Love you to dad.” And just like that the tightening in his chest loosened. “Love you three kiddo!” Patton added. “Love ya Pat,” Virgil snickered before disappearing to his room. Logan kept staring at the door for a moment. Patton hugged him from the side. “What do you say I make us a nightcap before bed?” he suggested. Logan nodded. “That would be pleasant,” he told him.

The next morning, Logan woke up to hearing Virgil move about and singing to himself downstairs. That boy never sleeps in. He let out a yawn and stretched, feeling Patton curl into his chest. “Do you regret moving in with us yet?” he teased. “Never,” Patton muttered sleepily. “I smell bacon,” he hummed. “First awake makes breakfast in the weekend. It’s a tradition we have. He was ten the first time I found him trying to fix me breakfast in bed,” Logan recalled fondly. “He made a mess, but it was really sweet. He was following all my rules. He didn’t touch the knives or the stove without me there, which of course limited his options. I helped him make breakfast the that day. After that I made sure to lay some things ready for him on Friday and Saturday nights in case he tried again. Which he did.” “That is adorable,” Patton squealed with a kiss to Logan’s cheek. “Let’s see what our son has in store for us today,” Logan suggested as he got up. He waked to the closet to select some clothes for the day. He felt Patton’s eyes on his back and turned around. “Everything alright Patton?” Patton bit his lip. “It’s just… Our son. I really like the sound of that,” he explained. Logan nodded. “I do too.” Patton bit his lip. “I was thinking of maybe looking into… what it would take for me to adopt him? Make it official?” he suggested. Logan’s heart skipped a beat. Patton had mentioned adopting Virgil in a burst of emotion before. But it seemed like he meant it. He knew that it would mean the world to both him and Virgil to have Patton be an official part of their family. “That would be excellent Patton,” he told him sincerely. Patton’s face lit up at that. “Would you help me figure it out? I want to know what steps I have to take.” Logan walked back to the bed and sat himself next to Patton, taking hold of both his hands. “It would be my greatest pleasure,” he told him gently. Patton’s shoulders relaxed, his gaze still thoughtful, and then he let out a giggle. “May I inquire where your mind has taken you now?” Logan wondered fondly. “It’s just. Look at me being practical. You have rubbed off on me,” he scolded playfully. “Well if it helps, you have changed me too. For the better that is,” Logan assured him with a kiss to his forehead. “Now get downstairs before our breakfast gets cold.”

Breakfast was pleasant. Virgil rolled his eyes and teased them with how ‘cute’ they were being this morning. Logan responded by giving Patton an extra kiss to his cheek. And then Thomas picked Virgil up for their trip to the zoo. Logan and Patton distracted themselves by preparing classes for the next week, answering email and spending some quality time together. Logan had told Thomas that he could tell Virgil about his teenage years. If the topic of parents and siblings came up, he could mention what he knew. Logan knew that he was risking moving up his time table. But part of him hoped he’d be forced to tell Virgil everything tonight. He should have told him long ago. But he kept finding excuses to postpone. He had still not decided whether he’d talk about BrainStorm or not. “I’m home!” Virgil called all of a sudden. Logan glanced up from his book. Time had flown by. Patton was almost done with diner after which they had to leave for Prince’s next patrol. Logan was torn on that subject too. On one hand he knew the young hero wouldn’t need constant supervision for much longer. But on the other, he’d worry about Prince the whole evening if he didn’t personally keep an eye on him. “Dad!” Virgil grinned brightly as he gave him a hug. Effectively ending his inner turmoil. “Virgil? Not that I do not appreciate you seem excited to see me. But is there a particular reason?” he wondered. Virgil let go and stepped back. Logan absentmindedly took note of the fact that the height difference between them was almost gone. Would he outgrow him? Caleb had been a little taller than him. “Uncle Thomas told me about your teen years. I didn’t know you were on the debate team!” he grinned excitedly. Logan was a little flattered that this little bit of information seemed to mean so much to his son. “Well, yes. It was a bit of a hobby of mine, as well as an attempt to get better at socializing,” he confessed. Virgil’s eyes sparked at that. “You were a socially awkward nerd,” he chuckled. Logan frowned at that. “Hey, that’s a complement. I’m a socially awkward artsy kid. Sounds like I’m your son after all,” he chuckled happily. “Speaking off. Uncle Thomas told me you wrote poetry back in the day.” “Really?” Patton exclaimed from the kitchen. Logan was flushing bright red. “I… Experimenting with different forms of self-expression is a natural part of discovering one’s identity as a teenager. It was a phase. I would like to forget about it,” he said stiffly. “Aw, but poetry is so romantic,” Patton pouted. Logan made a mental note of that. Just because he didn’t write anymore didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy reading it from time to time. There was something soothing in the format and he knew of a few poems Patton may enjoy. As far as Virgil was concerned though, poetry was firmly in his past. “That’s too bad. I thought I could maybe make a project around your old work for art class,” Virgil said disappointedly. Oh, that was not fair. “I’ll see if I still have one of my old notebooks,” he allowed. “Just ask my consent before you pick one.” And before he knew it he was once again hugged tightly by his son. “Thanks dad. You won’t regret it. I promise.” Virgil’s excitement was worth any embarrassment that his pubescent ramblings may cause. During dinner Virgil told them about the trip to the zoo and the many sketches he’d made. He also informed them that his session with Picani had gone well. After dinner Virgil bid both of them goodnight in case he’d be asleep when they got back from the university. Patton was smiling the whole way there. “What is on your mind?” Logan wondered. “Did you ever write something for a crush?” Patton asked giddily. He had sort of expected this. “I… Didn’t really have a romantic interest in high school. Thomas was the only person my age I got close to. I was… Well you know what I was going through back then. Between my mother and school… All I had on romance was rather resentful or, once Hannah introduced Caleb to me, from the eye of an observer. Perhaps I can find one of the latter. It might be nice for Virgil to use something inspired by his parents as a base for whatever project he is working on,” he mused. “That sounds like a lovely idea,” Patton agreed.

Half an hour later, Logan was pacing the floor. Prince should’ve called in ten minutes ago. He might just be late, but… Then a beep announced that Prince’s communicator went active. Logan rushed to the comstation. “DreamPrince you are late. What is yours status?” Had he ran into trouble? Was he hiding? Or had he simply forgotten about his com until now? “I am currently debriefing Phantom. I’ll let you know when I’m done here. Tell chief I’ll stop by with a package,” he informed them swiftly. “Radio silence until further notice.” And just like that, the line went silent once again. “He has him…” Logan muttered. Almost in disbelieve. “Oh thank goodness,” Thomas breathed in relief. They’d all be worried about the child out on their own. But it seemed like they were quite a few steps ahead of Collector. An advantage they sorely needed.

Hero au

@cirishere​ @hestianerd1​ @moonlightshow00​ @naturallyunstablegamer​ @alias290​ @meowthefluffy​ @frida0043​ @angelic-cali​ @selenechris​ @theblackveilinreverse​

[mrsmarymorstan]

Now Furuba S2 is over, what now?

I’m already seeing a lot of people asking for recommendations now the S2 Sub is over; so this is a list of series that I think you’ll enjoy if you like Furuba! 

All platforms listed are true for the UK, but might not be for other residences. More viewing options may be available in other territories. 

Unless specified, All Manga/Comic recs are available from regular bookstores and EBook Stores. If you’re in the UK I’ll suggest checking out Hive, which is an online store where a potion of each sale goes towards a Local Independent Bookstroe of your choice! They also have flat-rate free shipping! 

Okay, so the actual recs! (I got lazy in some places and used the official synopisis) 

Romance

Convenience Store Boyfriends Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total 

“Six high school boys hang out at a local convenience store where they talk about their daily lives. Haruki Mishima and Towa Honda are first year students looking forward to the high school experience. Alongside them, there’s Nasa Sanagi, the only member of the cooking research club. Natsu Asumi is a loner but has third year students, Mikado Nakajima and Masamune Sakurakoji, looking out for him.“

Kaguya-sama: Love is War S1 - Crunchyroll, Funimation (Sub) S2 Funimation (Sub/Dub) 24 eps - Ongoing Manga: 18/20 volumes available in English 

“Known for being both brilliant and powerful, Miyuki Shirogane and Kaguya Shinomiya lead the illustrious Shuchiin Academy as near equals. And everyone thinks they’d make a great couple. Pride and arrogance are in ample supply, so the only logical move is to trick the other into instigating a date! Who will come out on top in this psychological war where the first move is the only one that matters?”

Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun Netflix (Dub/Sub), Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 12/12 volumes available in English 

“High school student Chiyo Sakura has a crush on schoolmate Umetarou Nozaki. When she confesses her love to him, he mistakes her for a fan and gives her an autograph. When she says she wants to be with him, he invites her to his house and has her help on some drawings. Sakura discovers that Nozaki is actually a renowned shōjo manga artist working under the pen name Sakiko Yumeno. She agrees to be his assistant in order to get closer to him. As they work on his manga Let's Fall in Love they encounter other schoolmates, who assist them and serve as inspirations for the story.”

Snow White With the Red Hair Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 Eps Total Manga: 9/22+ volumes available in English. Anime ends Vol. 8 

“In the kingdom of Tanbarun lives an independent young pharmacist named Shirayuki. Shirayuki is a plain girl, save for her shock of beautiful apple-red hair. Her stunning mane gets her noticed by the prince, but instead of romancing her, he demands she be his concubine. Shirayuki chops off her lovely locks, and runs away to the neighboring kingdom where she befriends a handsome stranger.”

Tsuruedure Children Funimation (Dub), Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga (Ebook only) 12/12 Volumes available in English

“Short and charming comedic vignettes offer a quick glimpse into the unique and funny situations, misunderstandings, and all around confusion that can happen in a high school romance. For starters, there’s a story about a delinquent girl and the student council president, and one about a stoic boy confused about an emotional girl. Relive the charm of high school romance!”

Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku Amazon Prime (Sub) 11 Eps Total Manga: 4/9 volumes available in english 

Looking for a slice of life romance but you’re an actual adult now and don’t want to read about teenagers? Try Wotakoi! It combines office romance with childhood friends-to-lovers. Narumi is a Fujoshi who doesn’t want anyone to find out the truth of her ways, Hirotaka is a Game Otaku who doesn’t care what anyone says about it, together they go about the ins-and-outs of dating as an adult. 

Coming of Age

BOFURI: I don’t want to get hurt, so I’ll max out my defence Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Ongoing 

“She may be new to gaming, but Maple has found the secret to invincibility! Just put all your skill points into defense until you can't even move. That works, right? She doesn't want to experience any pain in the VRMMO game she started playing, and somehow it works better than anyone expected. Now she's got followers??”

Brand New Animal Netflix (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

“Set in a world where humanoid animals (known as beastmen) inhabit Earth, the series centers on Michiru Kagemori, a young teenage girl who one day suddenly starts turning into a tanuki beastman. Running away, she seeks refuge in Anima City, a city built for beastmen to be able to live peacefully as themselves, and ends up meeting a wolf beastman named Shirou Ogami. Together, they investigate how and why Michiru became a beastman, becoming mixed up in even stranger events in the process.”

Hyouka Funimation (Dub/Sub) 23 Eps Total 

“A worthy addition to any animation fan's collection, Hyouka is a stunning masterwork that spins a charming tale of high school romance and mystery. After disenchanted student Hotaro Oreki joins his school’s Classic Lit Club, he meets Eru Chitanda, a kindhearted and inquisitive girl with boundless curiosity and a knack for getting him caught up in all sorts of trouble.”

Koto Oto Tomara! Sounds of Life Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 Eps Total 

“Down to its last member, the koto club will accept anyone who is interested in the traditional Japanese instrument. But when a delinquent and a prodigy player sign up, finding harmony isn’t going to be easy—especially not with ensemble competitions looming around the corner. With enough time and some incredible skill at the strings, perhaps this motley crew can strike a chord with the judges.“

O Maidens in your Savage Season HIDIVE (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 7/8 volumes available in English (8th available for pre-order) 

The series follows a High School Literature club as they make their nervous first foray into the nature of sexuality. What is the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction? Does watching porn mean wanting to have sex? What are these strange feelings I am having down below? Why are boys so gross and girls so pretty? Each girl undergoes their own journey and finds their own destination, a brutally honest yet heart warming look at teenage female sexuality. 

CW: Sexual Assault, pedophilia (both portrayed as BAD AND TERRIBLE things) 

Our Dreams at Dusk Manga: 4/4 volumes available in English 

IF YOU ONLY CONSUME ONE THING ON THIS LIST MAKE IT THIS!!!!! The series is the VERY DEFINITION of “It Gets Better”. 

After his classmates discover some gay pornography on his phone, Tasuku Kaname contemplates committing suicide. Just as he’s about to jump, he spots a mysterious figure parkouring down a mountain. Shocked out of his moment, he decides to go and investigate what’s happening and finds an LGBT+ Drop In Centre. The series follows the lives of the people in the drop in centre, from Haruko who wishes to marry her closeted girlfriend, to Misora who is still trying to figure out what their gender is but has the threat of puberty hovering of their shoulder. 

It’s very clear that Kamatani-sensei has written this story FOR the Queer Community. It’s a truly beautiful story. Please give it your money if you can, so that Kamatani-sensei can actually earn some money, and so that Seven Seas know that there is a viable audience for these stories! So that we may get more content!

Reverse Harem 

Fruits Basket is NOT a reverse Harem, but i figure there’ll be some fan crossover. 

Kiss Him, Not Me Cruncyroll (sub) Funimation Dub available on DVD etc. 12 Eps Total Manga 14/14 volumes available in English

“Kae Serinuma believes one thing—princes belong together! As an avid boy’s love fan, she loves nothing more than fantasizing about faux relationships between the boys at her school. But when she loses weight due to the stress of her favorite anime character dying suddenly the boys want…her?! From pretty average to prettiest girl, Kae just wants these boys to date each other, not her!”

Sub uses an irritating “Silly Fat Person” voice that the Dub doesn’t. CW for Sexual Assult, though it is depicted as a BAD thing and used for Kae to question why she is so into it when reading BL, when IRL it is terrifying? 

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom Crunchyroll (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

A TRULY Bisexual harem! After bumping her head, young Katarina Claes awakens with all the memories of her past life... and promptly realises she’s been re-incarnated as the antagonist of her favourite Otome Game! Determined this time to live past the age of 17, Katarina starts to make plans to turn all her enemies into allies through the power of kindness and understanding! Throughout the series, she tries harder and harder to avoid her doom flags... without realising that she’s turned those doom flags into romance flags! 

Katarina lives out the fantasy of going to magic school and eating cake as all the pretty people fall head over heels for her. A pity she’s too dim to notice.

Ouran High School Host Club Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 eps total Manga: 18/18 volumes available in english 

Set in the high class elite private school of Ouran High, the Host Club exist to provide entertainment for the ladies of the school. Looking for a quiet place to study, Haruhi Fujioka, stumbles across the Host Club and in their haste to leave they knock over an ¥8,000,000 vase. Now she must earn that money back by working for the Host Club, all the while disguising the fact that she’s a girl. Not that she ever felt much like a girl before hand anyway. Along the way, she gets to know better the Cool Kyoya, the flamboyant Tamaki, the Mischievous Hikaru & Kaoru, the Strong and Silent Mori-senpai and the adorable Honey-senpai. Comedic Hijinks ensue! 

Slice of Life

The Emperor and I Manga: 4/4 volumes available in English on Shonen Jump App 

One day Kaho returns home from school to find an Emperor Penguin in her fridge. He quickly becomes a beloved part of the family, but a secret to the rest of the world who would want to take him away from them. Hijinks ensue. 

Kakushigoto Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total 

Doting single father, Kakushi Goto, is determined to hide the fact that he writes echhi humour manga for a living. He couldn’t bare it if his daughter were to ever find out the truth, the shame of his profession only alienating her. A laugh out loud series that will suddenly cut you deep as it explores the nature of grief and familial love. 

My Brother’s Husband Manga: 2/2 volumes available in English 

“Yaichi, a stay-at-home single father, lives with his daughter Kana in suburban Tokyo. They are visited by Mike Flanagan, the widower of Yaichi's estranged twin brother Ryōji, who has traveled from his native Canada for three weeks to learn about Ryōji's past. Kana is fascinated by Mike and is immediately accepting of him, though Yaichi is hesitant to accept Mike as family.

While Yaichi is not overtly homophobic, Mike suggests that his tacit discomfort over his brother's sexuality drove a wedge between them that led to their estrangement. Mike's interactions with the family and neighborhood over the subsequent three weeks prompt Yaichi to confront his own prejudices around sex and sexuality, as his growing tolerance and eventual acceptance of Mike parallel his overcoming of his own homophobia.”

Whilst the trope of “the gay brother dies and the heterosexual brother learns not to be homophobic” might be over done in western media, the same is not true for Japan. It’s a heartfelt and honest look at grief and acceptance, as well as how the nature of family is changing all around the world... but attitudes are maybe conservative attitudes aren’t as quick to catch up. 

Nichijou: My Ordinary Life Funimation (Dub/Sub) 

So apparently everyone went “this show is undubbable! It relies too much on puns and untranslatable humour!” and then Howard Wang said “hold my beer” and did it. A bizarre comedy series set in a high school. It’s probably best known for the ongoing fight between the deer and the principal.  

Way of the Househusband Manga: 4/5+ (ongoing) volumes available in English  

After he meets and marries the career driven Miku, Tatsu AKA The Immortal Dragon decides to give up his life of crime to commit to being the worlds’ best husband. You’d be surprised at the transferable skills between a Yakuza enforcer and a house husband. From knowing how to efficiently cut up a slice of meat, to how to perfectly clean a bathroom of all evidence. Hilarious and heartwarming, Taki and Kyoko would be best bros. 

Slice of Life + Supernatural 

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K S1 Funimation (Dub/Sub) 24 episodes Netflix S1 (Dub/Sub) S2 & 3 (Sub) 50 episodes total 

“Saiki Kusuo is a typical 16-year-old high school student… except he has psychic powers. He can use them to get whatever he wants, but he also knows everything that people are thinking. Everything. No surprises, no secrets, no normal human experiences. He’s kept his powers in check since childhood, but with the temptations of high school now on his mind, he’s bending the rules—and spoons.“

Sabrina The Teenage Witch (2019)

Writer Kelly Thompson wears her magical girl influences on her sleeve in this new take on the Archie Classic. Sabrina is your regular teenager, except she is also a witch and so are her aunts. Hijinks (and Card Captor Sakura References) ensue. 

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 eps total Manga 13/13 Volumes available in English 

“Kamome Academy is rumored to have many mysteries, the strangest of which involves the mischievous ghost of Hanako-kun. When occult-loving high schooler Nene Yashiro accidentally becomes bonded to him, she uncovers a hidden world of supernatural beings. Now the two of them are conspiring to keep the peace between student and supernatural—that is, if they can only stay out of trouble themselves.“

Jughead (2015) 4 Volumes total

Bought to you in various parts by the creators of Squirrel Girl, Jughead combines slice of life with spy thriller, time travel and the joy of a good burger. Hilarious and heart warming, this run holds a special place in my heart as the one where Jughead was confirmed as canonically asexual and continues to express various aro/ace moods throughout the series. There’s a REASON my friends say I’m a Real Life Jughead.... 

Weathering With You - available digitally/physically 28th Sep. 2019

In June 2021, first year high schooler Hodaka Morishima leaves Kōzu-shima in order to get to Tokyo. When his ferry to the city is hit by a rainstorm, he is saved by Keisuke Suga, who runs a small occult magazine that’s looking for an assistant. As Hodaka becomes broke and struggles to find work, he meets Hina Amano, an employee of a McDonald’s restaurant. She takes pity on him and gives him food. After agreeing to work with Suga, Hodaka learns about the legend of the “sunshine girl” who can control the weather! It turns out that the newly unemployed Hina is a sunshine girl! And with her little brother, they start up their own business to bring sunshine to the never-ending rain of Tokyo. 

Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches Crunchyroll (Dub/Sub) 12 Episodes Total Manga: 22/28 volumes available in English 

After tripping on the stairs, School Bad Boy Ryu Yamada and Top Student Urara Shiraishi discover they can swap bodies with a kiss! They then learn that they’re not the only ones with magic powers in the school, and with the help of the Supernatural Studies Club they begin to track down the identities of the 7 witches of Suzaku High. 

This series really stretches my limits on fan service, but at least it does proceed to get a little even in terms of gender. It’s still a really rather sweet and romantic series, once you get past the boobs and panties. 

Your Name Netflix (Dub/Sub) Spin Off Manga “Your Name: Another Side: Earthbound” - 2/2 volumes available in English 

A modern take on the Red Sting of Fate mythos, Mitsuha and Taki are two teenagers tied together. Three times a week, Mitsuha will wake up in Taki’s body and live the life of a Tokyo School boy. In turn, Taki will wake up in Mitsuha’s body and learn what it is to be a Rural Shrine Maiden. A look at the bonds that tie us, and how fate won’t let two young people fall apart before they can meet. 

Also the animation is BEAUTIFUL and it made me cry. Like a lot. There’s a spin off manga called “Your Name: Another Side” that follows the same story but from the POV of Mitsuha’s friends and family. It really brings new light to the events and made me very emotional.

Mental Health 

Green Lanterns: Rebirth (2018)

Jessica Cruz suffers from PTSD and severer anxiety, seeing her utalising her will power to overcome those problems and harness that energy to help save the universe is so incredibly powerful and moving. 

Hawkeye (2012-2015) 4 Volumes 

The Fraction/Aja/Wu/Hollingworth Hawkeye run is widely considered one of the best superhero runs of all time. Fraction and Aja perfectly capture “functional depression” at its finest, and we watch as Clint Barton slowly burns all his bridges before being forced by his friends to sort his shit out and put them back together again. There’s also a whole issue that’s primarily written in sign language too. 

My Roomate is a Cat Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 12 eps total 

“Mystery author Mikazuki would rather live in total isolation than deal with others. Getting a roommate is the last thing he’d ever do, until a stray cat sparks an idea for his next novel. After plucking the little killer off the streets, this four-legged muse inspires Mikazuki in ways he would have never expected. And for the street-wise cat, this human just opened the door to a whole new world.”

A Silent Voice (Manga/Movie) Movie: Netflix (Dub/Sub) 

“A former class bully reaches out to the deaf girl he’d tormented in grade school. He feels unworthy of redemption but tries to make things right.”

CW Attempted Suicide, bullying

Please watch the dub. Lexi Marman Cowden, who voices Shoko, is an ACTUAL hard-of-hearing actress. It makes for a more real and vulnerable performance that avoids the mild ableism of the Sub hiring a Hearing Actress and robot-ising her voice. 

Yuri!!! On ICE Crunchyroll (Sub) Funimation (Dub) 12 eps total 

“Yuri Katsuki makes his way to the Grand Prix ice skating competition as Japan’s top representative with his eyes on the prize. However, instead of celebrating, Yuri walks away defeated and ready to retire for good. But a run-in with champion Viktor Nikiforov and rising star Yuri Plisetsky ignites a new fire within him. With the two of them close by his side, Yuri will take to the ice once more.”

Yuri’s defeat sends him into a very relatable spiral of lack of self belief that he slowly starts to regain thanks to the help of Viktor. Part sports anime, part love story, all full of feels. 

The Dub is considered hit or miss depending on whether you like accents or not, but honestly it’s worth it for Sabat’s Christophe giacometti. Ayame walked, so Christophe could strut. 

Generic 

I’m gonna start by recommending the Shonen Jump App, it’s £1.99/month and gives you access to all their recent publications as well as their back catalogue in English! So you can read all of Boys Over Flowers, Nisekoi, Naruto, One Piece, Haikyuu, Assassination Classroom, My Hero Academia etc. for a fraction of the cost of buying the physicals! SO much manga at your finger tips! No, they don’t sponsor me but i wish they would. 

Astra Lost in Space Funimation (Dub/Sub) 12 Eps Total Manga: 5/5 volumes available in english, available on the Shonen Jump App

A group of teenagers on a school trip become Lost In Space and quickly discover a conspiracy is a foot. Part thriller, part comedy, saying anything more about this series would count as a spoiler given the number of plot twists throughout. 

Radiant Funimation (Dub) Crunchyroll (Sub) 42 eps total Manga: 13/13+ volumes available in english (ongoing series)

A french manga turned into a Japanese Anime.

“Seth, a sorcerer destined to find Radiant, sets his sights on Caislean Merlin for answers. He’s desperate to find out what the Knight Sorcerers know, but can he trust them? In the wake of all that is unknown, he digs deep within himself for the wisdom and confidence to control his powers. And as the world around him continues to grow with more magic and power, he gains strong new allies.”

The series has BIG Saturday Morning cartoon vibes. My 12 year-old self would have been ALL OVER this.

Batman Ninja (Netflix)  

What if a Japanese animation studio asked DC if they could make a batman movie? And then just threw a Japanese history book at it? What if there was time travel? What if the main batman villains were all feudal lords in Japan? What if everyone were Samari? What if Damian had a small animal companion he could communicate with using a flue? What if Jason’s hood was made out of wicker? What if Penguin had a penguin shaped mecha? 

A wild ride from start to finish that makes no sense but really, do you care? 

[sineala]

The Old Guard

This post comes to you courtesy of the generous support of one of my Patreon patrons, who wanted to know what I thought of The Old Guard. This post contains some spoilers for both the movie and the comics.

So, a few days after it came out, my wife and I watched The Old Guard on Netflix. Tumblr had said a bunch of good things about it, and both of us basically cut our fannish teeth on Highlander fandom so we already had an automatic buy-in for a story about immortals. I knew it was based on a comic by Greg Rucka, but I had not, at the time, read the comic, although I am now reading it in order to write this post.

The premise of the film is as follows: a four-person team of immortals (Andy, Joe, Nicky, and Booker) makes a living hiring themselves out as mercenaries, fighting for causes that they believe are right. They are successful at this basically because their grasp of tactics appears to be (1) die, followed by (2) come back to life and (3) murder your attackers who are no longer paying attention to you because they think you're dead. Honestly, at this point, you wouldn't really need to be very good at the actual fighting part, I would think, but the film establishes that all of them are -- especially Charlize Theron as Andy -- because presumably it wants you to watch action sequences of everyone being badass, which they are. So, yeah. They take all the good-guy mercenary jobs that no one else can do because it would kill them, which is not a problem for them!

Anyway! The group's routine is interrupted by two major events: the discovery of Nile Freeman, a new immortal, who is a Marine serving in Afghanistan who survives getting murdered; and also the fact that one of their employers, Copley (played by Chiwetel Eijofor, whom you may remember as Mordo in Doctor Strange) has sold them out to the movie's Actual Villain, a Big Pharma CEO named Merrick (played by the guy who played Dudley in the Harry Potter series), who has (as far as I can tell) been given instructions to play this role just like he's Martin Shkreli, who is interested in finding the secret of their immortality, and whom you can tell is evil because he has his name in giant letters on the side of his building.

ME: Look, it's the villain! I've found the villain! MY WIFE: Other than Tony Stark, who actually puts their names on buildings like that except villains? It's just villains, right? ME: Uh. The president? The president definitely does that. (We make horrified faces at each other.)

Because we are Extremely Pedantic, we also spent a lot of time picking at how the characters' names and language abilities match up to their stated background. They all know a lot of languages, as you might expect, and the movie was determined to get through them without subtitles, which is an interesting choice but also kind of left some linguistic plot holes.

For example, Joe and Nicky claim to have met each other in the Crusades, with Nicky as (presumably) a Crusader and Joe as (presumably) a Muslim occupant of the area, although the movie doesn't specify this; Wikipedia gives Joe's name as Yusuf Al-Kaysani, which would at least fit that. Nicky is clearly Italian (as is Luca Marinelli, the actor who portrays him) and when he speaks Italian to the rest of the group we see that he definitely speaks modern Italian as spoken in Rome... which is absolutely, definitely not the language he grew up speaking, given that, among other things, Wiki lists the character's full name as Nicolò di Genova. I don't know if the writer of the screenplay (who I see now is also Greg Rucka) didn't know how much Italian dialects had changed in the last thousand years, if he thought that was good enough to be a nod to the character, or if there's some kind of backstory that didn't make it in where every so often Nicky decides to learn a modern dialect and keep his hand in, and also decides that that's the language he wants to use among his friends who would presumably understand several different dialects.

Also, the reveal that Andy's real name was in fact "Andromache of Scythia" was indeed badass but was slightly undercut by my wife yelling BUT THE SCYTHIANS DIDN'T SPEAK GREEK at the television.

Additionally, I feel like the movie could perhaps have been aware of the ways it chose to label on-screen locations, in which the countries were spelled out in large fonts with the cities above them. Places like LONDON, ENGLAND got their entire names spelled out, as did small French villages whose names I can no longer remember, but I guess AFGHANISTAN and MOROCCO and SOUTH SUDAN have zero cities, huh? However, the end of the movie did take place in PARIS which I guess unlike London is its own country now.

So the actual plot features the group of immortals trying to explain this whole immortality thing to Nile while being on the run from the people who are trying to turn them into Big Pharma, who wants to capture them and exploit the secret of their immortality. This is where it falls down a little for me, because the worldbuilding... gets a little shaky. They dream about each other when they're apart. Okay. Why? Sometimes they just stop being immortal and lose the capacity to heal and are dead in their next battle. Why? Why do they even exist? I just... wanted more answers than the movie gave me, and the pacing where I kept expecting there to be explanations wasn't there. There were a couple of scenes where Nile sat there in silence contemplating the fact that she would outlive her loved ones and my brain kept trying to insert Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever?" Granted, the Highlander canon explanation for immortality is deeply, deeply weird, but at least it tried. No, I can't believe I'm defending Highlander II either.

The characters, too, could have been more fleshed out. The bulk of the character development is given to Andy and Nile, and I'm not complaining about that -- they were great -- but Joe and Nicky and Booker only got maybe a few lines each. They would have felt so much more real if they'd just had a little bit more to them. Also I didn't understand Copley's arc at all, but saying more about that would be spoilery. I do like that they have definitely set themselves up for a sequel.

But even with what we got, there's a lot to love about the characters. If you're here for canonically queer characters, you will enjoy Nicky and Joe, who have been in a relationship for probably about a thousand years. They are minor characters as far as the overall plot goes, but what they do have is lovely, and there is a romantic declaration between them at one point that is absolutely beautiful and possibly the most fervent love declaration I can remember seeing in a movie since maybe... ever. If you also like your queerness more subtextual, though Andy is never portrayed as explicitly queer, her past friendship with a fellow immortal Quynh was shown as very intense, as is the role she takes here mentoring Nile into the world of immortality. Also she has a double-bladed axe (yes, we kept yelling BRING ME MY MAN-KILLING AXE at the television) and as we all know, the double-bladed labrys has in modern times become a symbol for lesbians. So there's that.

In addition to the characters of color who play important roles here -- Nile was my personal favorite, but there's also Joe and Copley and (in flashback) Quynh -- there's a lot of diversity behind the cameras as well, or so the internet informs me. The director (Gina Prince-Bythewood) is the first Black woman to direct a superhero movie, and the same is true of her editor (Terilyn Shropshire). And, furthermore, apparently 85% of the post-production crew were women. They didn't have to do that, and yet they did. It was nice.

I don't watch a whole lot of action movies these days because I usually find R-rated violence too... violent, but I found myself really liking almost all of the action sequences here. None of them felt gratuitous, and a lot of them really focused on the physicality of the immortals fighting in a way I liked, because I feel like people are probably going to fight differently if they know they can survive every single hit, and I think the movie portrayed that in a way that a lot of superhero comics and movies don't. My favorite fight scene is definitely the one between Nile and Andy at the beginning, when Andy has trapped her on a plane and it's extremely close-quarters fighting and also extremely brutal. They don't stop basically until Nile breaks enough bones that she can't get up anymore, because until then she's going to keep trying, which is both kind of horrifying and a great character note. And they didn't film it like it was a Sexy Catfight! It was so good.

Also, the soundtrack is really good, and I've found myself streaming it on Spotify all week. I didn't know any of the songs in the movie, but there's a lot of hip-hop and -- okay, I don't even know if this is a genre? -- specifically a lot of hip-hop with an electronic/industrial sort of beat, which I thought was really great and livened up the fight scenes even more; "Going Down Fighting" did a really good job getting me in the mood for the final confrontation with the villain, and... yeah, it's all good. Someone made a playlist on Spotify that will come up if you search for it.

So, yeah. It's on Netflix. It's not without flaws (mostly, explaining how the hell immortality works, and a couple of pacing issues), but it's a really satisfying superhero movie.

That's the movie. Onto the comic, which I am just now starting to read as I write these words. Whee!

So The Old Guard: Opening Fire is a 2017 five-issue Image Comics series written by Greg Rucka, with art by Leandro Fernández, and there's also a 2019 sequel, The Old Guard: Force Multiplied, by the same creative team, also with five issues. I have not actually read any of Rucka's work before now because he is mostly famous for his DC work, but I have heard good things about it, especially his Wonder Woman run.

Anyway. The art is very stylized, with a minimal color palette, and it's very pretty but I honestly found it hard to parse sometimes. Many of the characters have very weird noses. Yes, noses. It's basically mostly in Andy's and Nile's POVs, like the movie, and as far I can tell Andy is explicitly queer, because unless I am entirely misreading this panel in issue #1, here she is in bed with a woman in one panel. Whee. Also there are some nice epigraphs at the beginning of each issue.

Okay, so, the plot here is basically the plot of the movie. There is still no explanation of why immortality exists. But even so, there are some fun character moments that didn't make it into the movie -- for example, Andy saying smartphones are too hard to use and she liked the old ones better, only for the rest of her team to say that she couldn't use those either. I think you get a better sense of Andy's world-weariness in the comic. There are also other, now-dead Immortals mentioned, like Noriko, who "went overboard off the Horn." Quynh is not one of them; Quynh basically is Noriko, which is because they cast a Vietnamese actress who asked if her character could be Vietnamese too, which seems perfectly reasonable to me. But anyway, in the comics, she's Noriko. Weirdly, Andy's full name, as she tells Nile when they meet, is Andronika ("man-victory") rather than Andromache ("man-battle," in case you were wondering); I think the movie made a better choice because Ἀνδρονίκα has exactly two attestations in the Lexicon of Greek Personal Names, whereas Ἀνδρομάχη has all that shiny name recognition of being shared by the wife of Hector and also the queen of the Amazons and will ping viewers as a Greek name, and therefore ancient, even if it can't be the name she was born with. (There are five for "Andronike" and four more for "Andromacha" so they actually have about the same number of total attestations, as far as I can tell, when you consider the alpha/eta alternation in how various Greek dialects mark feminine nouns.)

(Yes, you totally wanted a review by someone who looks up character names in the LGPN. Don't lie.)

Plotwise, Andy gets all of the initial exposition in for Nile before they get to the safehouse, which Copley has already gotten to before they get back, so Booker is bleeding on the floor and Nile doesn't get to meet Joe or Nicky at this time, and I am also glad they changed that for the movie. But, don't worry, Joe and Nicky's romantic declaration is still in here. We also get Andy pondering the last time she was in love, with a human who grew old.

Oh, and we get Andy's age: 6,732. And by issue #5 her name has changed to Andromache, because what even is continuity? I guess Andromache is her name now.

So Nile finally meets Joe and Nicky when she rescues them and also, uh, that plot point where Andy might die? Totally not a thing here. Nope. And no "surprise! even more immortals!" end-credits moments either.

Basically, I feel like every change they made to the script for the movie really strengthened the story, and even though I thought the movie could have used more character moments, it's way better than how the characters are separated for even longer in the comic. Nile rescuing the team means a lot more when she has met them before, you know?

So Force Multiplied starts us off with Andy, Joe, Nicky, and Nile, because Booker is still on time-out. They are in the middle of a car chase, and Booker's off getting himself kidnapped by someone who wants to know where the others are. The villain of the piece turns out to be Noriko, who is still alive, whom Booker had never had a chance to meet and apparently had never heard of. So, basically, a lot like the Quynh plot that the movie is teasing.

Overall it's a little less action-filled than the first one, which had multiple splash pages of nothing but violence; this one is a little more character-driven and explores the relationship, such as it is, between Andy and Noriko, as well as Nile coming to terms with her immortality, as well as with what everyone else has done over the years. It does have a bunch of violence at the end, though.

I don't want to spoil the ending, but I definitely wasn't expecting where that was heading. There's apparently going to be a third volume, and I am looking forward to it, whenever it exists.

(Although, now that I think about it, the ending is a lot like a fan-favorite moment of Highlander: The Series, but I think if I said which episode you would know exactly what the ending was.)

So, yeah! The Old Guard! I can't say as I feel particularly fannish about it -- there's nothing that makes me yearn to fill in the gaps in canon -- but the movie was really good and you should see it. And you should read the comics if you're into that.

[agentrouka-blog]

Hey! Wat your opinion on Jon not giving a thought on Sansa supposed marriage to Tyrion but actually dwell on how he trusted Tyrion n can't accept him killing his father. While Sansa comes to know about Jon being LC she thought how it would be sweet but Jon not once thinking about her marriage n supposed allegation about kinslaying. Yes she is far from him then but he could actually give a thought about how is she. Even Arya thought it'd​ stupid for Sansa to marry n kill the king.

The way he thinks of Tyrion is actually a pretty interesting thing. 

I get longwinded. 

After Tyrion departs the Wall, Jon thinks well of him:  

He could think here, and he found himself thinking of Samwell Tarly … and, oddly, of Tyrion Lannister. He wondered what Tyrion would have made of the fat boy. Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it, the dwarf had told him, grinning. The world was full of cravens who pretended to be heroes; it took a queer sort of courage to admit to cowardice as Samwell Tarly had. (AGOT, Jon IV)

He actively remembers him, even considers his advice, like he is a mentor to him.

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

He finds it easy to take his side over Catelyn’s, no questions asked. (Boy, dude, I get why, but that’s some serious bias there, Jon. Calm the hell down.) But here, Tyrion is a “friend to him”. 

Still, from that point on it’s crickets chirping with regard to Tyrion. Likely, the fact that the Lannisters are waging war on his family does have some effect on Jon’s fondness for Tyrion.

"Who was your mother?"

"Some woman. Most of them are." Someone had said that to him once. He did not remember who. (ACOK, Jon VI)

It had been Tyrion. Pretty telling when you consider how eager he was to contemplate his advice earlier. He doesn’t remember, i.e. probably has blocked out who said it.

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king. (AGOT, Jon I)

So, a brief flicker of memory and then it’s silence on the subject for two entire books. 

This is the first and only time Jon thinks of Tyrion again: 

"It is not my intent to choose any side," said Jon, "but I am not as certain of the outcome of this war as you seem to be, my lord. Not with Lord Tywin dead." If the tales coming up the kingsroad could be believed, the King's Hand had been murdered by his dwarf son whilst sitting on a privy. Jon had known Tyrion Lannister, briefly. He took my hand and named me friend. It was hard to believe the little man had it in him to murder his own sire, but the fact of Lord Tywin's demise seemed to be beyond doubt. "The lion in King's Landing is a cub, and the Iron Throne has been known to cut grown men to ribbons." (ADWD, Jon III)

“He named me friend.” That’s a marked difference to “he had been a friend to him”. He “had known him briefly”. That’s quite distancing. The friendship, the entire relationship is regarded with a cool, retrospective distance. Jon is much more mature and he certainly has reason to think of Tyrion as an object of extreme ambivalence. So he most certainly does not dwell on the fact that he trusts Tyrion. 

Still, you are right. Jon never actively thinks about the fact that this dude is theoretically his brother-in-law. Married to his sister. 

What does Jon think about Sansa’s suffering and marriage and disappearance? We don’t have a clue.

He doesn’t directly think about Sansa’s plight in KL at all beyond one brief flicker in the very beginning:

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

That flicker and Jon’s general attitude toward Sansa, though, tells us that he most certainly cares. He simply avoids the thought. 

From that point on, Jon mentions Sansa exactly 8 times in the span of four books. 

Once in contemplation of breathtaking natural beauty: 

So there is magic beyond the Wall after all. He found himself thinking of his sisters, perhaps because he'd dreamed of them last night. Sansa would call this an enchantment, and tears would fill her eyes at the wonder of it, but Arya would run out laughing and shouting, wanting to touch it all. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once in the context of courtly treatment of ladies: 

"That's pretty." He remembered Sansa telling him once that he should say that whenever a lady told him her name. (ACOK, Jon III) 

Once enumerated with the rest of his family to Mance Rayder in stark contrast to his own bastard status (ASOS, Jon I): 

“Then you saw us all. Prince Joffrey and Prince Tommen, Princess Myrcella, my brothers Robb and Bran and Rickon, my sisters Arya and Sansa. You saw them walk the center aisle with every eye upon them and take their seats at the table just below the dais where the king and queen were seated.” “I remember.” “And did you see where I was seated, Mance?” He leaned forward. “Did you see where they put the bastard?” (ASOS, Jon I)

Once in terms of her claim to Winterfell, guilt and devastating loss:

Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. (ASOS, Jon XI)

One unnamed, indirect mention, that again implies he considers her to be dead.

“Gods, wolf, where have you been?” Jon said when Ghost stopped worrying at his forearm. “I thought you’d died on me, like Robb and Ygritte and all the rest. I’ve had no sense of you, not since I climbed the Wall, not even in dreams.” (ASOS, Jon XII)

So let it sink in that Jon refuses to take Sansa’s birthright even when he thinks she may well be dead. 

He mentions her again in terms of her claim to Winterfell, where he blatantly doesn’t react to the fact that she was married to Tyrion, but it is implied this was something he has discussed with Stannis, or would have things to say about. 

“By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” “Lady Lannister, you mean? Are you so eager to see the Imp perched on your father’s seat? I promise you, that will not happen whilst I live, Lord Snow.” Jon knew better than to press the point. (ADWD, Jon I)

Jon knows better because this is something they do more than once. More than we are shown. GRRM is intentionally hiding the details of Jon’s thoughts.

“(...) Which would you have as Lord of Winterfell, Snow? The smiler or the slayer?"

Jon said, "Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa."

"I have heard all I need to hear of Lady Lannister and her claim." The king set the cup aside. “You could bring the north to me. Your father’s bannermen would rally to the son of Eddard Stark. Even Lord Too-Fat-to-Sit-a-Horse. White Harbor would give me a ready source of supply and a secure base to which I could retreat at need. It is not too late to amend your folly, Snow. Take a knee and swear that bastard sword to me, and rise as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.” How many times will he make me say it? “My sword is sworn to the Night’s Watch.” Stannis looked disgusted. “Your father was a stubborn man as well. Honor, he called it. Well, honor has its costs, as Lord Eddard learned to his sorrow. If it gives you any solace, Horpe and Massey are doomed to disappointment. I am more inclined to bestow Winterfell upon Arnolf Karstark. A good northman.” “A northman.” Better a Karstark than a Bolton or a Greyjoy, Jon told himself, but the thought gave him little solace. (ADWD, Jon IV)

So, seriously, Jon does think Sansa is dead or thoroughly lost because he doesn’t categorically refute Stannis’ attempt to bestow the seat on someone else. He doesn’t recommend that Stannis try and find Sansa. She is completely beyond reach. We are given no reason to believe he considers her to be alive. He merely refuses to place himself anywhere in the succession, emphasizes her claim and his lack of it. Jon and Stannis have done this multiple times before, it is implied. So Jon has thought about this in depth, we are simply not made privy to his thoughts.

It is simply not true that Jon doesn’t think about this. 

He thinks and talks about this and, given how Stannis emphasizes “Lady Lannister” and Tyrion’s connection to Sansa’s claim, and Jon just doesn’t even react, we can infer that Jon internally thoroughly rejects that marriage, its validity and its implications for Winterfell. Jon is not on board with Tyrion as Sansa’s husband. He probably has a very clear understanding of how Sansa was forced into it, and the only thing he may be ambivalent about is Tyrion’s complicity in this act, and how villainous he may have been toward Sansa. But there was never anything Jon could do about any of it. 

I think, the simple answer, APART from the fact that GRRM is clearly withholding Jon’s actual thoughts and conversations on the subject of her marriage, is that Jon avoids thinking about Sansa’s pain because it is painful to him, and there is a special helplessness attached to it, because he doesn’t have a plethora of shared interactions to weigh against that. 

He can think of Robb and Arya in terms of pain and strength and guilt and cheer because he shared those things with them. 

Sansa? Is a completely different animal. Sansa is an unanswered question, a figure out of reach, known through sparse interaction, distant observation. Admiration, yes, but mostly experienced from afar or through the grumpy filter of his beloved little bundle of envy and frustration: baby sister Arya. Arya talks to Jon about Sansa, Arya talks to Sansa about Jon. He knows her, but they are not familiar. She’s something soft and romantic in his head, what does he know of how she deals with pain and abuse? 

The final time Jon thinks of Sansa is in the context of home, childhood, Winterfell, love.

While it is often put into context with Jon’s death, these are not the final, peaceful imaginings of a dying man, this is Jon spurred to action by the thought of his siblings, the thought of his pack, the people he loves the very most in the world. Ned’s not there, Ygritte is no more than a fleeting mentor-quote on the level of Maester Aemon, Samwell is not there. Only his pack. One of them is alive, within his reach, dependent on his action. He has the means, he has the pretext to break out of the letter of his vows. Not to take their claim but to save one of them:

"I won't say you're wrong. What do you mean to do, crow?"

Jon flexed the fingers of his sword hand. The Night's Watch takes no part. He closed his fist and opened it again. What you propose is nothing less than treason. He thought of Robb, with snowflakes melting in his hair. Kill the boy and let the man be born. He thought of Bran, clambering up a tower wall, agile as a monkey. Of Rickon's breathless laughter. Of Sansa, brushing out Lady's coat and singing to herself. You know nothing, Jon Snow. He thought of Arya, her hair as tangled as a bird's nest. I made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … I want my bride back …

"I think we had best change the plan," Jon Snow said. 

They talked for the best part of two hours. (ADWD, Jon XIII)

This is Jon considering the essence of his most beloved people. His final moments with them. His heaviest association with them. 

With Sansa, it’s another moment of romantic tranquility, observed from afar. 

Even if in passing, that is an active choice on Jon’s part, to observe Sansa from afar, to such a degree that he knows how she would react to certain things. It implies an attachment, a desire to know her, a certain fascination.

I think much of their relationship entails the things we see Jon think about Sansa: a romantic attachment to natural beauty, a thorough awareness of status differences, an observation of chivalry and courtesies, an unquestioned place in the context of his pack, and a staunch willingness to defend her even beyond hope. A love at a distance, a love without familiarity, but a genuine love. 

So this was a long and rambling way of saying that I think it’s mostly GRRM trying to hide their relationship from view, that it’s Jon suppressing painful thoughts he has no way of processing, that he is no longer fond of Tyrion and that the sum total of his few thoughts of Sansa are actually immensely positive and promising in a Jonsa context. 

[maniclemons]

Yolanda, Camp Sensibility and the "Oscar Wilde Of The Camera"

Okay, so I was minding my business reading stuff for my work on dream narratives in popular culture and suddenly I was attacked at the footnotes section of one of the academic papers (which happens all the time tbh). The author mentioned in passing that, well, there is a musical called YOLANDA AND THE THIEF (1945) which just happens to be one of three Vincente Minnelli musicals that have been characterized as a self-conscious camp style of visual excess. The author argued that the camp style in musicals, especially those made by the Arthur Freed unit at MGM, was particularly appropriate to the even greater visual excess of the dream sequences. 

So yeah, of course I did a double-take and immediately thought of Donde estás Yolanda (Sherlock and John reunion theme) - thanks for the opportunity to refresh the hell out of it @thepineapplering !

FEATURES OF INTEREST of “Yolanda and the Thief” in no particular order:

• The "dream ballet" dream sequence (inspired by Dali); • Repressed homosexuality manifesting itself through nightmares and fear of entrapment in a heterosexual marriage; • Integration of straight romance (plot) and gay-inflected visual codes; • Critique of a capitalist culture industry from the point of view of a queer professional embedded in it (writer/director/set designer/crew member etc.) • Something else?

Also of interest: Holmesosexuality: On Mark Gatiss’s Camp 

As I am not, academically speaking, a specialist in queer theory, all the references can be found below.

I haven’t seen anyone writing about this particular musical in connection with Sherlock yet, but I might be wrong, because my tumblr search skills still suck a bit. Anyways, it was fun and added more contextual layers to my own understanding of the show!

“YOLANDA AND THE THIEF” is a 1945 American Technicolor Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer “Arthur Freed Unit” musical-comedy film set in a fictional Latin American country called Patria. It stars Fred Astaire, Lucille Bremer, Frank Morgan, and Mildred Natwick, with music by Harry Warren and lyrics by Arthur Freed. The film was directed by Vincente Minnelli and produced by Arthur Freed. The “Freed Unit” refers to the “unit” (studio team within the larger studio production house that was MGM) headed by lyricist and producer Arthur Freed. 

"Yolanda and the Thief" is one of three Vincente Minnelli musicals that have been characterized as a self-conscious camp style of visual excess, the other two being " Ziegfeld Follies " (1946) and…….. "The Pirate" (1947). As Jane Feuer suggests, "a gay subcultural reading would elevate these Minnelli masterpieces of the 1940s above the currently more esteemed Freed Unit musicals of the 1950s – "Singin' in the Rain" and "The Band Wagon", whose sophistication stems more from their smart Comden and Green scripts than from elements of excess in their mise-en-scene."

CAST:

Fred Astaire as Johnny Parkson Riggs Lucille Bremer as Yolanda Aquaviva (aqua-viva? as in Latin vivere/vita? as in "aqua vita(e)" which is "an archaic name for a concentrated aqueous solution of ethanol" and at the same time a type of magical water which brings people (mostly heroes) back to life in Slavic mythology?) Frank Morgan as Victor Budlow Trout (a friend of Johnny's and literally his partner in crime)

FEATURES OF INTEREST (in no particular order):

• The "dream ballet" dream sequence (inspired by Dali); • Repressed homosexuality manifesting itself through nightmares and fear of entrapment in a heterosexual marriage; • Integration of straight romance (plot) and gay-inflected visual codes; • Critique of a capitalist culture industry from the point of view of a queer professional embedded in it (writer/director/set designer/crew member etc.) • Something else?

The narrative of Yolanda offers a romance between a naive and wealthy young woman, Yolanda Aquaviva (Lucille Bremer), who is tricked by a con man, Johnny Riggs (Fred Astaire), into believing that he is her guardian angel. Johnny plays upon Yolanda's gullibility in order to convince her to confer her power of attorney on him, but just as he is ready to depart with the goods, he finds himself romantically and erotically drawn to her. His attraction to her surprises Johnny, because he ostensibly does not expect to find Yolanda a figure of erotic contemplation, and his jaded sensibilities lose out to his romantic impulses. But moments of camp playfulness in the film offer another reading of Johnny's surprise at discovering himself in a seduction beyond his overarching greed and cynicism, for there are strong possibilities for seeing him as gay.

DREAM SEQUENCE BALLET

The "dream ballet" sequence is an extended (approximately 15 minute) routine for Astaire, Bremer, and various others, which Minnelli has described as, "the first surrealistic ballet in film". Its Dali-esque scenery sort of mirrors "real-life" Patria which Yolanda’s Aunt Amarilla called “an out of the world place” elsewhere. That’s really what Minnelli was going for here. He seeks to evoke a feeling that Johnny have left behind what he knows and entered a world of mysticism and dreams.

This dream sequence ballet opens with Astaire dressed in a remarkable dandy outfit with a pair of off-white satin pajamas. Becoming restless in his bed, Johnny dresses and walks through the streets of Patria's unnamed capital, where he moves into increasingly surreal landscapes in which various women trap him in symmetrical dance steps: washerwomen unfold furls of different-colored fabric in stark geometric patterns that form a prison out of which he cannot escape. Yolanda’s entrance into the dream is grandly spooky. Against the backdrop of a Dali-esque desert landscape, Yolanda rises from a pool of water wrapped head-to-toe in pale scarves that float all around her. Her face is obscured, a look reminiscent of René Magritte’s 1928 painting The Lovers, and more suggestive of alienation than romance. Once Johnny unwraps Yolanda from her scarves, the spookiness of the sequence dissipates a little, but the mood has been set, and when the unwrapped Yolanda puts her arms around Johnny and sings, “Will You Marry Me?,” the effect is mildly sinister. The sequence concludes as Yolanda dons a set of outrageously long bridal veils and Johnny gets one of them wrapped around his neck like a noose when he attempts to flee.

In the "Will You Marry Me?" number Johnny wrestles with the trauma of potentially being trapped in a marriage to Yolanda for her money. Yolanda appears throwing off a series of veils trimmed in coins, and sirens in short dresses and high heels entice him with a cask into which Yolanda has dispensed her gold. The number effectively links Johnny's fear of marriage with his greed, or, more properly according to the dream-logic of the "Will You Marry Me?" sequence, his greed is the film's alibi for not stating more directly his desire not to bond with a woman, no matter what her beauty or wealth. The film temporarily addresses the question of whether Johnny will accede to the demands of marriage through the camp art direction's treatment of him as gay.

So this is more specifically a nightmare ballet, one that takes marriage—the typical happy ending of many an MGM musical (including—spoiler alert—this one)—and transforms it into a thing of anxiety and horror.

While the dramatic function of the dream ballet is questionable, its adventurous spirit and execution should not be ignored. Bear in mind that Agnes de Mille’s dream ballet for the original stage production of Oklahoma! first appeared on Broadway in 1943, just two years before Yolanda and the Thief hit movie screens. Yolanda and the Thief also predates The Red Shoes by three years and An American in Paris by six. Minnelli was staking out new territory here, trying out a storytelling technique that he and other filmmakers would employ with greater success in the future.

STYLE

What is labeled as the integration of straight romance and gay-inflected visual codes is more generally within the camp sensibility what we might call "style," or more particularly, a style of excess. James Naremore describes this differentiated style as Minnelli bringing “a rarefied sense of camp to musical numbers, making…[him] ‘an Oscar Wilde of the camera.’” To be an “Oscar Wilde of the camera” would of course conjure images not only of queer sexuality, but a simultaneous devotion to the aesthetics: one who would converse, write, lecture on subjects ranging from poetry to interior design. This parallels Sunsan Sontag’s assertion that “Clothes, furniture, all the elements of visual décor, for instance, make up a large part of camp. For camp art is often decorative art, emphasizing texture, sensuous surface, and style [sometimes] at the expense of content.” Indeed, Sontag begins her “notes on camp” by quoting Oscar Wilde’s famous aphorism, “one should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.” However, camp is not simply an adoration of colour and texture, but a certain critical – comical, even – perspective on heterosexist and gender normative culture, both male and female. 

And beyond discussion of pure aesthetics of delight, camp within the Freed Unit is also indicative of a process of labour as method of negotiation between queer identity and heteropatriarchal capitalist hegemony (critique of a culture industry from the point of view of a queer professional embedded in it).

AUDIENCE REACTION

Campy style within Freed films circulated to noncamp audiences under the more general idea of their being “stylized” or “witty". The comments of film-goers who attended previews of, for example, Minnelli's "The Pirate" confirm that the studio knew that the film tended to emphasize its own spectacular art direction while sometimes disregarding streamlined storyline and clear characterization. In the cards, where anonymous viewers offered praise and disparagement, a repeated emphasis on the art direction arises: "the sets detracted from the people and the music was too loud," "not realistic enough," "entirely too surrealistic," "the beautiful background settings were exceptional," "plot rather thin," "truly one of the most exciting pictures from every standpoint, direction, artwork, color, dancing, scoring," "beautiful coloring," "slightly fantastic plot not developed in as natural and realistic a way as it could have been," and perhaps the most telling, "Minnelli back to the small minority who really appreciate him." The above comments would suggest that these viewers had screened a film by Dali or Bunuel, not the product of MGM after twenty years of corporate film-production experience.

Which takes us to the next (and very familiar) aspect…

MISE-EN-SCENE VS. STORYLINE

Musicals have largely been understood as primarily narrative films at the expense of other features. The plotline that structures many musicals is that of straight romance and marriage. The world in which a man and a woman meet and find initial attraction, in which their union is frustrated, and where ultimately the prohibitions to heterosexual bonding are overcome through the mediation of the song and dance number is typically the world of the musical. But there is more to the making of musicals beyond the plotline and its ancillary subplots, all of which are said to be brought to happy closure at the film's completion.

What seem to have been the memorable features of Freed unit musicals for contemporaneous viewers were their dazzling sets, costumes, use of color (in terms of film stock, set painting, and lighting) and choreography. These specific elements of film production are perhaps most likely what the various viewers are locating as the Freed unit's distinguishing style, or, to remember the viewer who commented on the "small minority" who might be interested in Minnelli films, that this style was idiosyncratic enough to have both fans and detractors. This style distinguished the unit's films from those of its rivals.

Minnelli's work habit of plotting a film's numbers by creating a series of paper dolls and scaled-down sound stages in which to place these figures suggests that his first impulses were to conceive of a film through its mise-en-scene rather than its storyline. Within the limits of the system, Minnelli was able to say a good deal about sets and costumes, and he usually influenced the overall visual conception of his films.

Dance (and singing) performance disrupts the narrative by momentarily disregarding the force of the story for the power of the spectacular dance routine. Likewise, the backdrops and costumes perform a similar function but that we tend not to notice their potential to antagonize narrative because, of course, most often the disjunctive features of the mise-en-scene are maintained in the film's movement back to the storyline.

Just as Johnny emerges from his dream shaken but unsure of what it means, the historian of camp production can perhaps trace the presence of a masked homosexual narrative only by remembering the strange details which seem to have been so easily forgotten.

REFERENCE:

Tinkcom, Matthew. Working like a Homosexual: Camp Visual Codes and the Labor of Gay Subjects in the MGM Freed Unit. Cinema Journal, Vol. 35, No. 2 (Winter, 1996), pp. 24-42.

Turner,  Lexi C M K. A Queer Translation: “Camp” Sensibilities of the Classical Hollywood Musical Era, vs. the 1970s Desertion of Narrative Utopia.

Cohan, Steven. Incongruous Entertainment: Camp, Cultural Value, and the MGM Musical (Durham N.C.: Duke University Press, 2005).

Dunne, Michael. American Film Musical Themes and Forms (Jefferson, N.C.: McFarland & Company, 2004).

Cohan, Steven. “Introduction: Musicals of the Studio Era.” In Hollywood Musicals, the Film Reader. Edited by Steven Cohan. 1-15 (London and New York: Routledge, 2002).

Feuer, Jane. The Hollywood Musical, 2d ed. (London: BFI Books, 1993).

Sontag, Susan. “Notes On ‘Camp.’” In Against Interpretation and Other Essays. 275-292 (London: Penguin, 2009).

https://www.brightwalldarkroom.com/2018/10/24/yolanda-and-the-thief-1945/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yolanda_and_the_Thief