#we are a disordered traumagenic system. go cry about it

[woodlandscab1n]

Anti-endos will always just be ppl mad that not everyone is suffering like them. They say it's about misinformation, what misinformation? That not all systems suffer like you do, is that the misinformation?

All they're saying is how endogenic systems came to be, not DID/OSDD/traumagenic, because that's not what they fucking are so they don't talk for us! They only talk for their experiences with systemhood/plurality!

Does systemhood/plurality only belong to us now? Is that what we are gonna fucking do? We are gonna gatekeep an experience so complex and underesearched that we barely understand? Are you for real, right now?

Why is it so hard to imagine that other people might have come to systemhood in a different way than us?

Science! they yell out, the research! they whine.

Sibling, the people researching DID/systemhood haven't even scratched the surface of the extend of systemhood, they do not even fully understand it and neither do we. So who the fuck are you to deny someone's experiences? To deny however the hell they wanna live as a system?

Also given that science can always and IS always changing, things that were thought of as facts and the pure truth has been demolished over and over again by new discoveries. It isn't pro-science to be a closed-minded fuck, and I thought that's something everyone learnt about queer issues, but yet here we fucking are !

If it's working for them living a life as an endo, then fucking let them. And if later they want to consider their experience a disorder just as ours, then fucking let them and aid them!

I prefer being kind and supportive of a bunch of "fakers" than fakeclaiming, throwing away experiences just because I don't fucking understand it and harming someone who might have needed guidance, advice and/or support.

All systems are valid, get fire ball'd.

[armydreamersys]

It's funny (not) to me when I see anti-endo's that are screaming and crying (exaggeration.. mostly) that endogenic and non-traumagenic systems are "delusional" and "attention-seekers" and "insane" and send them threats but then say they're for disabled rights and liberation. You have got to be kidding me. You call people slurs (and imply that people with delusions are lesser than and gives you the right to and them threats and insults which is, idk, ableist) and said that their experience isn't real and force them to experience suffering and pain in order to be valid and you're for disability rights? No. No you are not. I'm sorry but that is not helping any disabled person. Ever. (Not to mention how terrible anti-endo's are to traumagenic systems that are normal about endo's, like you do not care for helping struggling people, or you might feel that way but you got played so hard into thinking that the way you treat people with experiences other than yours is the way to do that.)

Bc uh, last I checked, we want disabled and disordered people to have long and happy lives. Is it so "delusional" to think that a lot of plurals (disordered or traumagenic or neither) are/want to be happy and love their plurality, however that looks? Isn't it good for the disabled people who HAVE suffered significantly?

Idk. Idk. I just don't like them at all. (Not to mention the not-so-subtle racism and anti-theism when talking about tulpamancers or other forms of spiritual plurality, like good going guys, you've disrespected thousands of years worth of culture and tradition, don't you feel oh so good about yourselves, hm? Good job!)

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey i hope this isn't weirdbut i hate our host and i want to. not. do that

i feel like he took my chance of life away from me, of being normal, of having a nice life with my brothers (<- introject) and it's really hard to get along. i don't know what to do. im so frustrated i could cry

Our response got quite long, so it’s going under a cut to spare others from having to scroll a bunch - hope that’s okay!

Hi! This is definitely not weird to ask. We have some members in our system who are in a very similar situation! They’re still working through this and trying to process their feelings, but we can share what we’ve learned from our therapist and other systems and through communicating with each other!

(Note: We come from a DID perspective. Most of our advice we’ve learned through treatment and from fellow DID/OSDD systems. We’re not sure what kind of system y’all are, but this advice may be more applicable for traumagenic systems than nontraumagenic ones. We’ll try to include a few notes on what may help a system without trauma, but that’s not our experience! So sorry!)

Okay so for systems with dissociative disorders, it’s important for all parts/alters/headmates to remember that there is no “original,” no “core,” and no “main headmate.” The host is a system member just like everyone else. In many systems, a host cannot help that they front the most and it is usually outside of their control.

If your system has roles, it may be good to remember that each of you was formed with a purpose that was assigned by your brain. It’s not your host’s fault that they were chosen or formed to be the host.

We’ll also remind y’all about the nature of dissociative disorders. They function by hiding trauma and signs of the disorder from the headmates who front every day and handle daily functioning. So your host may have gone most of their life without ever knowing the rest of your system existed! And it’s not fair to hold something against your host that they were never aware of until y’all’s syscovery.

Additionally, many systems are unable to control switches, at least not at first. So even if your host was aware of y’all, it’s asking a lot to expect them to instantly know how to switch out and manage time so that all headmates who want to front are able to. We’ve heard of systems that are able to control switches, but we haven’t met one personally! So your host likely isn’t actually taking away your chance at life. Until y’all have made progress in building trust and communication, it may be challenging for anyone in your system to control a switch, let alone the host!

It’s great that you recognize your dislike for the host and want to change! We’re also wondering if you can verbalize (to yourself, your therapist, or a trusted loved one/headmate) what feelings exactly are making up the hate. Is it jealousy? Resentment? Disappointment? Frustration? Understanding the specifics of your emotions and what you’re feeling can help you learn how to properly process and regulate them.

If you’re comfortable, perhaps try letting the host know your feelings. If switching isn’t an issue for y’all, maybe you can express how you feel like you aren’t able to front as often as you’d like, and ask if it would be possible for you to spend a bit more time in control of the body. This can allow you to invest in your interests and learn to enjoy experiencing life!

You mentioned you’re an introject - you also may benefit from examining your source and how it relates to you. If connecting with your source is causing you more pain and distress, it may be worth it to attempt some sort of source separation. The painful fact of the matter is that you exist here and now, within the system you belong to. Shifting your focus to what you can control and caring about those who are close to you may help mitigate harm and resentment towards other members of your system.

Perhaps this advice may help you regardless of your origins, or it may not. We’re sorry if these words haven’t been encouraging or helpful!

We will say this:

If you are a created headmate, it may be worth it to remind your host that you are here, breathing, sentient and alive. You deserve agency and autonomy. You are not an imaginary friend, you are not simply a “silly brain friend,” even if you were created consciously or unconsciously without trauma. Your life has value and is not inherently worth less than another member of your system’s. Agency means you should be able to have some power over your situation and choose what happens to you. Autonomy means you should have the freedom of making your own decisions that impact your life. Both of these are important for members of any system of any sort!

A therapist may be able to help you navigate these difficult feelings much better than we can. So if you’re in therapy, this may be an excellent topic to bring up!

Basically:

1) being open and honest,

2) standing up for yourself,

3) not assuming the worst in each other,

4) recognizing that being in a system can be complicated and difficult for everyone, and

5) learning emotional regulation

combined, these things may be able to help you reach a better understanding of yourself and your host, and help you deal with some of your negative feelings as a result!

Sorry this got so long… best of luck to you with everything!!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

[evergreenssystem]

It kind of bothers us to see people treat those who insist OSDID is a trauma disorder as "terfs" or to see those who insist it is not as naysayers because, and we mean this as honestly and as kindly as possible, no one fucking cares about this sort of discourse in real life.

I don't mean that medically or professionally people don't care, but rather that a diagnosis exists so that someone can receive the help and resources they need, and the only reason they would need those is if they were struggling. Many self-proclaimed endogenic systems insist they do not have trauma, therefore have no need for a diagnosis or resources given to those with severe trauma.

As a community, we know science, especially mental science, has ethics it is required to follow, which is why to test exactly how, why, and what is needed to form a dissociative disorder is unethical. That being said, there are plenty of RAMCOA/programmed systems who will sit and tell you and while there aren't papers posted on it, it is widely known, especially in Christian nationalist and human trafficking organizations, how to induce OSDID and various (mostly cluster B) personality disorders.

Hell, even someone who has never done the research but wants to start a cult can just make a system (in our experience)

Now, if we are to look at OSDID as a complex disorder stemming from PTSD (post traumatic Stress disorder), then the idea that being "mixed origin" due to experiencing stress makes no sense. Stress is inherently traumatic, though in varying amounts for different people. Autistics tend to have lower stress thresholds.

Also, many people devalue their trauma. They act like because it wasn't dramatic or fancy enough, that because it wasn't a cult or witnessing a body, it isn't "enough." This couldn't be further from the truth.

A list of things that could cause any number of traumagenic disorders:

Spanking

Employing the false parenting method of leaving a child to cry in their crib so that they will "learn." (they are incapable of such, as they are a child)

Forcing a child to spend long, unwilling periods of time by themselves

Forcing a child to sit in silence puncuated by meditative or "worship" procedures as a punishment (the Mormon church does this often)

Having an inconsistent and often negative view on a child's consistent actions (being kind one day and miserable the next etc etc)

Repeated bullying

Emotional and/or physical abuse from a person in power of the child (parents, teachers, lawmakers, other students)

Gaslighting

Enforcing body dysmorphia

A child growing up in a home where the parents hate each other and do not try to hide it or do anything about it

Religious abuse/harassment (things along the line of "if you don't follow our very vague and impossible idea of perfection, you will burn or suffer forever")

Medical neglect

Emotional neglect

Physical neglect

Sexual harrassment

Sexual assault

Rape/CSA/CSEM

Torture

Witnessing death

Cannibalism

Being forced to engage in and/or cover up a murder

Literally anything cults do

There is no precedent for how severe the trauma has to be as long as it is trauma and repeated. You will notice how a good portion of these are usually started in infancy, before memories may even form. This is often why many systems don't remember or cannot access those memories. No matter what type of amnesia, if the brain was never able to remember its trauma from the metaphorical get-go, it is unlikely it would gain the ability to do so.

If you experience plurality or dissociation, speaking to an informed trauma specialist, or even a close friend who may deal with the same thing and is educated about what is going on may help. Personally, I don't care if someone identifies as endogenic or multigenic or whatever label people come up with to excuse their trauma. One of the symptoms of this disorder is denial. I don't even encourage trying to find out the specifics of one's trauma without a strong support system. I do think self-diagnosis is a valuable tool, but like any form of diagnosis, it is designed to figure out what the problem is, so that it can be easier to manage. I also think it's unfair to call those who believe the current research on the disorder "TERFs" or "sysmeds," as being trans has no link to childhood trauma or any significant research to back up what "causes" it.

For context, the gender dysphoria argument was created sometime in the early stages of trans medicine so that doctors could determine which patients would do anything for SRS/HRT, so that they could make their prices unreasonable.

[the-astrophel-system]

I really wanna laugh because you were so close, but actually so wrong. We saved this to our drafts, simply saying "wtf".

So let's unpack this, shall we? After all, you said posts like these invite responses. I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph, just to make it easier to see what exactly I'm addressing in your post.

- First paragraph, I disagree with you! I really like this post from OP, I'd say it's pretty effective. And no, they're not invalidating "traumagenic" systems. (I say traumagenic in quotations because OSDDID is inherently traumagenic, which makes the differentiation pointless)

- Next, I'd like you to actually provide some reasoning instead of just "this is untrue". Objectively, people with OSDDID don't have a full cohesive personality. OSDDID isn't "multiple personalities", it is the dissociation between oneself which results in fragmented personality states. You can't have more than one fully formed personality. That's just not how this works.

Let's use maths for one minute. Let's say you have 4 parts. If all parts fuse, you suddenly won't have four personalities, you'd have one. Because you can't have more than one. Each alter is less than one personality. Your personality never fully developed cohesively in the first place. OP is correct in their statement.

As for the point of asking OP to change their wording, what the hell makes you think you have the right to ask that? Coming from someone who used to cry at the thought that my parts are apart of me, someone who would fight and lash out and scream and beg that these are separate people, not me. Yeah, OP did a good job. The rhetoric that all alters are completely separate individuals is factually wrong, and not helpful in recovery. And don't get me wrong, you're allowed to not be at that point of recovery yet, please take your time and know that it's okay if you still need this separation to survive. I still need separation between certain parts if I want to be safe and happy. But you have no right telling another person that they can't talk about facts about this disorder, just because people aren't in that point of recovery yet. There will always be people at the start of recovery, same with at the end. Both can talk and be open about their experiences.

- Stating the fact that "if you didn't experience severe childhood trauma, you cannot be a system", is NOT derogatory, demeaning, nor invalidating to traumagenic systems! I honestly cannot comprehend how you got to that idea. This fact is not disrespectful, it is a fact that we have right now in the field of science.

Let's now address the part about "invalidating systems who struggle to see their trauma as "bad enough"". Once again, I have been in the position (and sometimes still think this!) where I've doubted whether or not my trauma was "bad enough". But guess what? It was traumatic to a child. I have trauma. I still have severe* and repeated trauma that gave me this disorder. If you think that your trauma is not bad enough to have this disorder, but you think you have this disorder, you need to address that in therapy. Seriously. Therapy has done wonders for us. It is not the internet's responsibility to validate you over whether your trauma was "bad enough". If you are traumatised by it, if you have OSDDID from it, then it was bad enough. Maybe you have trauma that you don't remember, but that's something for you to address in therapy. So again, if you can actually prove to me (because I see no proof right now) that the statement is false, please do.

*No you can't decide what is and is not "severe" or "traumatic" for anyone. But repeated trauma is needed.

- Not going to lie, you did an alright job at explaining the Theory of Structural Dissociation (ToSD), which is the leading theory right now. However, I almost laughed at how much you missed the actual point, and excluded some vital information. ToSD is worth the read yourself, but I'll do a better job at summarising.

Yes, everyone is born with different ego states that are in charge of different needs. Someone without OSDDID will have these needs met, have a healthy attachment to primary caregivers, and will slowly integrate these ego states throughout childhood. The "cutoff" is debated (typically 6-9 is thought), but let's just be really generous and say twelve years old is when this process finishes. Just because I don't feel like getting into that complexity in this post, and I'd like to use your broad number.

Someone with OSDDID will need all three things to be true: repeated trauma before twelve, a disorganised attachment to their primary caregiver/s, and the ability to dissociate to a high level. Some people are just naturally able to dissociate to higher levels, some people automatically jump to the trauma response of freeze, instead of fight, flight, or fawn.

Let's talk about disorganised attachments. There are four different types of attachment styles that children develop with their caregiver: Secure, anxious, avoidant (aka anxious-avoidant), and disorganised (aka fearful-avoidant). So why do insecute attachments form? I'll briefly summerise each one. Anxious attachments form when the parent/s are viewed as unpredictable or neglecting. This leads to the child becoming clingy, seeking reassurance and attention from parents, and scared of rejection or abandonment. Avoidant attachments when a child's emotional needs are neglected and they learn to not expect them to be met. They often become independent and don't talk about emotions or struggles, knowing they won't recieve support. Finally, disorganised attachments form from trauma, abuse, and general percieved fear. The parent/s behaviour is so inconsistent, unpredictable, and they are a source of fear. They may be abusive, or maybe the child keeps witnessing the parent/s abuse others. But the child isn't having some of their needs met, or maybe none, they are scared and feel like they can't share their thoughts and feelings.

Not having your needs met as a child, can be traumatic. Having a disorganised attachment to your caregiver is traumatic. You develop a disorganised attachment to your caregiver because of fear and trauma.

This leads to amnesia barriers, which makes it so the different ego states cannot integrate. Since they cannot integrate, there is no fully developed personality. Each state or alter will develop independently, however, will not develop fully, like a normal personality does.

- Once again, I do like what you pointed out about judging what is and what is not "severe". However, there are different kinds of trauma and different kinds of abuse, and some may be more severe in nature.

- I do agree that trauma is not just what happened to you, it's how you responded, it's how you handled it, it's how you were or were not supported.

- Harrassment isn't okay, doxxing, abuse, suicide baiting, and a lot of the other things endos do, isn't okay. Yes a lot of endos are children, however that does not make their behaviour okay. Someone needs to be teaching them how to act and what is and isn't okay. They need to understand that they are harming themselves by claiming to have OSDDID or have a system, without trauma. It is factually wrong, and it isn't helping them get the help and support they need. Because yes, clearly a lot of these children do need support. They don't have accurate words to explain how they feel, and that is why it's so important to teach them about the world, and to tell them when they are wrong about complex disorders. They are continuing to use the wrong terminology to describe their experiences and all that is going to do is hurt them.

They are invading spaces, trying to demedicalise a disorder, and many other shitty things I've already mentioned. I fully agree that you should not harrass or harm people, it isn't okay. However, they are doing more harm than only invading safe spaces, and they refuse to change their behaviour. I block as many endos I see and I still encounter horrible things they say, and blatantly untrue "information" they try to spread. They are causing serious harm.

Thank you to whoever read this far. You cannot change my mind about endos. Have a good night.

I've come across a few pro-endo blogs on my suggested spreading misinformation so I wanted to make a clarification.

"We are not saying we have DID, we are saying that we have some form of plurality"

Plurality as a concept is derived from childhood trauma. The mere existence of plurality in DID and OSDD is the result of heavy trauma and dissociation interfering with the development of a personality in a child. It is not multiple personalities that causes plurality it is the LACK of a personality. So no, if you did not experience severe childhood trauma you cannot be plural, you cannot be a system. There is no ifs or buts you simply cannot. Plurality as a concept has NO place for you as an endogenic system.

And a side note, there is no such thing as fakeclaiming an endogenic system - when your entire existence is a facade.

[queerautism]

It's extremely sad that you constantly go out of your way to hurt people of a traumatized community just because you wish to feel special. It's so sad to see someone like you basically put your parenting issues out like this because clearly you never got love from your parents and think faking a disorder makes you so much better then everyone and makes you a savior. Reality check. It doesn't. You are one of the few people in this world that I would celebrate a death of. And don't act like you haven't said something like this in the past because you encourage so much bad behavior like doxxing and hate raids against TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN. No one would cry if you vanished and if we did it would be out of happiness. You are the reason we hate Endos. Think about that. Your bad behavior is exactly why we can't stand your community. Have you thought that if you respected us we would respect you because invading our spaced and fakeclaiming is was YOUR communitys first. Think about it. And if you don't I'm so sorry that you live a life like this as lonely as it when people realize that you are the asshole. It makes me so genuinely sad you let the devil's claws wrap around you so much to hate other people. And I'm not even a religious person.

1. The queen's abt to die and you want to celebrate MY death? Priorities

2. Bitch we're a traumagenic system

3. I have done none of those things and u know it lol fucking go ahead and prove where I've ever approved of doxxing

[astroglitching]

i really feel like sysmeds (as well as transmeds and anti-kins) really need to learn the concept that scientists are not gods and psychological research is incredibly biased. research is not flawless. there are endless things that no one knows. (more) widespread knowledge of plurality will inevitably come with more and more examples of systems who do not fit the perceived norm just like more widespread diving into queer identities and neurodivergence in general. the more research done the better because youll be better able to cross check resources to recognize biases but multiplicity is Not well studied at all as in depth research goes so crying that there are no unbiased research papers on the existence and mechanisms of non traumagenic/non DID/OSDD/non-disordered systems so therefore they cant exist is incredibly short sighted. as a science nerd the cool thing about science is that we Cannot Know Everything. Every single thing we know just alludes to increasing multitudes of things that we dont know, that weve never seen or heard of or studied before. psychologists are not gods they do not determine what is or isnt real. you could collect data to support whatever claim you want if you do it certain ways whether its true or not and publish it. endogenic systems are real systems but we are understudied and not all that well known outside of system communities so there is very little (though not none!) documentation of us for psychologists to study. sorry for dumping all this in your ask box i just wanted to say it because its irritating to watch people support their ableism and gatekeeping by talking about scientific research

Honestly I don't have much to add to this because it's pretty on point. The idea that scientists and doctors know more about what you're experiencing than you is ableist in itself. It's very similar to how transmeds are transphobes tbh. Sysmeds are pretty much anti-system but if you try to tell them that they go off the walls.

[ultrabright-flashlight]

So I can’t interact with Fishtank’s post but I still want to talk about it. It’s one of the most condescending things I’ve ever seen in my life, so much that I’m almost certain the intention was to piss people off

Like I don’t even care as much about the syscourse parts of this. What was that supposed to be? It’s got a blatant lie about all anti-endos being children and then proceeds to talk down to them like so. And assumes that we don’t want a resolution- Another blatant lie, I don’t understand how we could possibly make it any clearer that we want endos to understand the basics of a system and either understand they’re traumagenic DIDOSDD or a singlet.

So, we’re mostly grown adults who are tired of our disorder being fetishized, and they have the audacity to tell is we’re crying screaming children who just want to fight. Then it’s more of the same shit for the rest of the post.

You’re really going to treat a life changing trauma disorder like it’s a game, then call us abusive when we tell you to stop?

You’re not a petty spoiled child. Stop acting like one.

[thecirculararchive]

hey i personally disagree with that take you made, but i know the context and im not upset or disappointed or going to bitch about it like a lot of others. youre human. youre not infallible. sometimes what you say may come across as bad and thats okay. you dont deserve to be dogpiled and harassed for it. every single person whos been on your ass has probably made mistakes like that before, mistakes that caused someone harm. youre not a bad person for it and im sorry that people are acting like you are.

also, the idea that broad, blanket statements like "some traumagens are endo" isn't fakeclaiming. you arent going up to someone and going "hey, youre not actually traumagenic youre endogenic". youre saying its probably possible for someone to be wrong about what they experience.

i dont share my syscourse takes publically, so im going to go with ones from the rest of the system. non-disordered plurals to us are not systems, system is a term specfically meant for DD plurality. but those experiences are still real even if we dont believe they should be compared. in the same way a singlet could believe they are a system before realising theyre wrong, a non-DD instance of plurality could believe that they have a DD. It could happen.

the only reason that agreeing with that ask was hurtful is because a lot of traumagenic systems will jump at any chance to deny their trauma. like tim, one of our hosts, made an entire sideblog and asked a bunch of people their thoughts on whether or not we seem traumagenic. literally no one else in system agreed with him, but he was having a lot if self doubt. that self doubt came from the idea that "your trauma wasnt traumatic enough to be traumagenic". it actually came from the "stressgenic" label and him going "ok what if-" but the base idea is still the same.

if someone is a system, the trauma they went through was enough to be a system. it was enough to disrupt the integration of their egostates in childhood, that means it was traumatic. that is something we believe in and something that is so comforting to know (and also part of why we feel non-DD plurality should be seperate from systems but thats not the point)

but i still dont think you were wrong for agreeing, not necessarily. just because with the context you were having a really shitty time and you just wanted that asker to not get their satisfaction of "ooh evil ableist person who thinks some endos are actually traumagen doesnt believe in a 2 way street huh". and youre definitely not a bad person.

i hope that you have a good day and that this isn't getting to you too much

I think the last thing I’ll post on this topic. Thank you, Anon. This helped me greatly.

I try not to get TOO personal on this blog anymore (which is sort of messed up, given that this blog was made as a personal blog for me to connect to other systems and just record the things happening to me), but I want to address what this all did to me. The following is gonna be a trauma dump, so feel free to completely ignore this. I just have a lot of thoughts and want to give context and get them out on the blog that was SUPPOSED to be for these things.

Tw for sui ideation, sui bait, trauma dump, anxiety, etc.

I made a hurtful comment to some. I can see now how it could be hurtful, and I’m analyzing how this take and others could be. I’m willing to take the criticism and move on with better actions.

I’ve also almost thrown up due to the anxiety about this. I’ve been having issues opening tumblr without panicking. I’ve been needing to deep breathing each time I post.

Syscourse shouldn’t do that to someone. People shouldn’t do that to people. I understand how it can be hurtful, but every time I so much at glance at system things now, I see another vaguepost about how I’m bad, how I’m hurting everyone, how I’m a disappointment, etc etc. Even posting this ask is already making me cry.

When I posted the original long post, I was suicidal. I regularly am. It’s an issue I deal with daily. This time around, it was the worst I’ve been in a long time. I contemplated hanging myself at work. And that same day, someone reblogged my bait ask (an ask that I was too terrified not to respond to, due to the harassment I was getting, and would continue to get unless I responded.) They reblogged the ask, called the response disgusting (and I couldn’t understand why) and immediately I get anon hate. I was told to kill myself, and god, I wanted to. Why was I such a failure? Why did everything I say hurt people now? I had support on anon messages, but Everytime I look in. The syscourse tags, it’s people talking about how I’m horrible and transphobic and just.

I gotta stop on that topic because my heart is racing again.

And none of this happened with *discord*. I’m in a discord where we discussed my post. And it was a CIVIL DISCUSSION. Nobody insulted me - they just shared why people (including themselves) could be angry. They also heard me out! Some people agreed and some people didn’t. Nobody harassed me, nobody told me I should be dead. It opened my eyes a lot to how it was hurtful WITHOUT making my ideation even worse.

All this is to say… I think I may leave tumblr. Not forever. But when I can’t post a hypothetical ask for a situation that has never come up in my life, with an angry short response, but everyone else can post an enormous long angry response about how I’m a disappointment and a failure? There’s something wrong there. And I need to take a step back from syscourse before it kills me.

Thank you if you read this far. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection since OAS responded to me. I also apologize for the gendered insult - I use bitch interchangeably for anyone, as bitch and bastard are distinctly different connotations to me. I also did not know OAS’s pronouns. I apologize for insulting OAS at all - I let my anger get the best of me again.

I’m stepping away. Not forever. But I need to take care of myself.

[sticksspace]

Hey, I think it’s time to say hi.

As a representative of whatever the hell this is, I can say that we feel both frightened but excited to introduce our system, as one would call it. We do not have a diagnosis but plenty of speculation from various medical staff (from psych ward staff, therapists, and a few nurses that we trusted to tell), and always from our mother and father. (This system, regardless, is traumagenic, with history of SA, emotional abuse (we can’t pin this down but it sure does suck!), attempts on life, and various disorders. Ugh. I don’t know who I am speaking as right now in this edit, but let’s get on with it.)

Fritz- He/Him, Male, Feminine, in his 30s. He is the “caretaker”/fatherly figure, holding parts of various disorders but still dismissing trauma. He may aligned as “Lawful Neutral”

Artemis/Arte- She/They, Female, Androgynous, in her 20s. She is a big protector but can cause lots of issues, seriously holding onto our trauma and unleashing anger. They may be aligned as “Chaotic Neutral”. Often pairs with tabby cat.

Quila- Female, Feminine, She might be considered a little but I feel uncomfortable with that title. She does not hold trauma or disorders, and dismisses these to have human connection with people we would typically not trust. She is a cry for help or a sudden burst of laughter. She does not come out as often as she needs to, but we do not like feeling vulnerable. May be aligned as “Chaotic Good”

Space- Male, Gendervoid, ageless/body age. I haven’t noticed Space around much since December/beginning of January, but they basically started us on this rapid path to discover when we realized there was *more* than just dissociation and destructive thoughts. He often has/gives these. May be aligned as “Neutral Evil”

The girl with the hair in her face (She looked for a name yesterday but I can’t decide yet)- She/It Female, Gendervoid, a child (anywhere from 4-8 years). Not considered a little but may be compared to one, holds all of the trauma and most disorders that I can tell. May be aligned as “Chaotic Evil”. She is a ghost/vengeful spirit of sorts.

The tabby kitten (unnamed)- She/It, Female, Feminine, whatever age a kitten is(?). None of us know why she’s with us and we feel silly talking to medical about it, but she’s been there ever since we can remember. She holds some trauma and gets destructive, but is typically just wanting us to jump on counters, eat cat food (I cannot EXPRESS how embarrassing this is but my entire family has gotten used to it since I was a child), and lick blood. Anyways, “Chaotic Neutral”. Often pairs with Artemis.

There’s also someone who is used to express rage, go into psychotic episodes, and release homicidal thoughts. I do not like to speak about him and try to keep him away.

Anyways, this has been a system representative, and we all thank you for your awareness and interest in our silly little brain!