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reinhartiisms · 4 years

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why don’t you just break my heart?

Cole: The day had been long and with no knowing when they'd be going back to work, Cole had mostly spent the day at home, trying to finish up some emails and work he needed to do before the weekend. Due to Covid testing not being back in time, they'd had a few days off and it had almost felt like being back on hiatus except they were in Vancouver. They couldn't travel and they didn't have to film, work was mostly scarce bar the things they could do over the phone or via email and so there hadn't been a whole lot to do. He and Lili had been texting one another which wasn't an unusual occurence and Cole actually found almost comforting. Since coming back to Vancouver they'd kept in pretty good contact and he was grateful. They hadn't talked at all over the hiatus and it was nice to feel like they were getting back into the groove of being friends and actually being able to act on that rather than just telling one another that when they talked. It was always easy to promise things like that but to be able to do it was nice too. When Lili asked if he was doing anything, Cole told her no. It was the truth and it'd be nice to have something to do on a Friday night rather than spend it with his nintendo switch. Getting somewhat dressed up, he slipped on some jeans and a button down shirt, tied his bandana around his neck and locked his door once he left the apartment. He stopped in to grab a bottle of wine, just to be a nice guest and made his way to Lili's apartment, knocking on the door when he finally arrived.

Lili wasn't sure what she was doing. Yes, she wanted her friendship with Cole to be steady but she also wanted it to be /healthy/. Having little to no contact with him after their breakup had been difficult, but needed. Lili was a clinger. She was a romantic. She hung onto things well after they were finished and then it became just that much harder to let go. He'd always be in her life because..well, he was just that person to her, but they had to find new ways they fit into each others lives. He said it himself - he couldn't be /that/ Cole for her anymore and Lili really took that to heart. With panic attacks, she stopped calling him. When she missed him, she wrote poetry. She was trying her hardest to find healthy ways to deal with not being over him and constantly spending time with him couldn't be the answer.

But..she was weak sometimes. She missed him. She missed watching dumb TV with him just to hear his sarcastic commentary. She missed talking to him, Cole always being so insightful with the answers he gave her. She missed his smile. His laugh. Just the mere presence of him next to her could be as addictive as any other drug. So sometimes she caved and asked him to come over and pretended like it wasn't a really bad decision. Like tonight. As soon as she heard a knock, Lili got up off her couch and walked to her front door to open it. "Hey," she greeted him and raised a brow. "Wine. Nice. I almost wish I had some cheese now and we could have a real party. Come in."

Cole: "Hey" Cole greeted Lili with a smile, stepping inside when she opened the door for him, "I nearly brought some but I wasn't sure if we were going for a charcuterie kind of night or a take out kind of night so I just went with the red, although I don't know whether or not Chinese food and wine is an award winning combination" Cole made his way into the kitchen, moving around as if he knew his way around although he hadn't been there too many times before. He managed to pull the cork from the bottle, grabbing two glasses and pouring some wine into them. Despite the tumultuous relationship he and Lili had, it was easy to feel comfortable with and around Lili and it felt at least like they were getting back to some sort of normalcy now that they were in constant contact with one another again. "So'd you have a good day? Feels kind of strange being here and not being able to work"

Lili shrugged her shoulders. "I've had worse food combinations." Chinese and wine sounded perfectly delicious to her. She followed him into her kitchen and grabbed some forks, figuring they'd eat straight out of the carton and then motioned him to follow her to her living room. Like the true lazy girl she was, Lili had bought fold out dinner stands so that she could rest her food on them while she sat on her couch and watched TV. The less work she had to do, the better. She took the glass of wine Cole offered to her and took a healthy swig, already relishing how it relaxed her. "Yeah. I mean, I think this is the new normal for now. Plus, it gives me time to do all my press for Swimming Lessons and still have time to relax." In the past, doing Riverdale and also doing promo work for other projects had been exhausting. Not having to film meant she got a chance to catch up on sleep and focus on herself. "I'd ask how you're doing but I feel like I can predict you're playing Animal Crossing and watching anime." She gave him a playful grin, taking a bite of her food.

Cole: "I'm sure you have, I think people in LA really like to eat some weird food combinations, especially the health nuts" There was always some kind of new diet or food fad going on over there and while Cole was a pretty adventurous eater he had never been one to give into any of the weird crazes like putting grass in your smoothies or anything like that. Thankfully Lili hadn't been either and she had been pretty easy to take out. Cole followed Lili back to the couch, sipping from his own glass of wine and taking the seat opposite her. "Yeah, I think we have to sort of expect this a few times during the season now. They have to prioritise the schools and such. Lucky it lines up with your book release. How'd it go?" Cole had been with Lili through all the initial stages of the book release and even when she'd been deciding which sort of project to take on and now that they weren't dating, he hadn't been keeping up with all of that as much as he could have. He knew lots of people were speculating about who some of the poems had been about but he'd read the book before and had enjoyed them all regardless.

Lili "It's going amazing." Lili couldn't help herself for having a prideful glow about her. She had put so much of her heart and soul into her writing and to see it well received, it was a dream. She was ignoring all of the trolls and the critics, only focusing on the positive feedback and relishing that people were connecting to her. She was more than just Betty Cooper and she was happy her fans were starting to see that. "I'm already working on a new book. I've got over a hundred poems saved, so now I just have to sort through them and figure out which ones I want to publish." Quarantine and hiatus had been chock full of Lili scribbling down all her thoughts and feelings. She took another bite of food, another drink of wine, and then swallowed. "Some..some of the poems will be about you, though. I mean, some were in this book but..you saw those. I hope it's okay." Lili wasn't exactly asking Cole for his permission for her to share her feelings but it wouldn't be decent of her to not give him some kind of fair warning.

Cole: Eating some more of his food, Cole was happy to just listen to Lili talk. She definitely seemed happier and more sure of herself at the moment and it was really nice to see. "That's great, I'm sure everyone will love the new book just as much as they loved the last one" It was good that Lili had had something productive to be able to put her mind to during quarantine and he wasn't surprised to hear that she'd written some more poems about him. Taking a sip of his wine, Cole replied "I expected nothing less" he told her with a smile. "And I'm sure they're just as beautiful and profound as all the other poems you've written" Finishing up with his food, Cole picked up the containers when Lili was also done and took them to the kitchen to clear them away. "I saw Bentley yesterday. He flew us to a shoot and got demoted to sitting in the back"

Lili hadn't expected anything less from Cole but she was still grateful that he gave her his blessing. It was one less thing she'd have to worry about. She never wanted to make Cole a villain because as betrayed as she still felt sometimes, he wasn't one. He hadn't intentionally broken her heart or relished in her pain - they both got hurt. It was something that just happened, a possible effect from their relationship falling apart. "Thank you," she told him softly and gave him a small smile. It meant a lot to her, still, when he complimented her art. She turned her attention back to her food and rooted around for her remote, finding it and turning on Netflix. She pressed play on some random show she had been watching just for background noise and after she finished her food, watched as Cole cleaned up. He probably wasn't even aware that this was what they had done in the past and how natural this routine still seemed. She bit her lip and tried to distract herself from the memories by listening to him. "Oh yeah? And how is your nephew? Or is he your son? I can never tell," she chuckled. She missed Bentley, and couldn't wait for her chance to see him.

Cole: "Of course" It all felt very domesticated, making sure the kitchen was clean and loading the dishwasher with what he could. Once he was finished, he brought the bottle of wine back down the couch, settling in comfortably on the opposite side to Lili. "Nephew, I feel like UncCole as a name fits me a lot better than Dad" There had been a time while he and Lili were dating that he'd briefly considered that being called the latter word by a tiny human being might not have been the worst thing in the world but once he and Lili had broken up, all of those thoughts had just silently slipped away along with all the plans and dreams of a future with her. "He's good, his leg's doing a lot better than it was at the start of the year and he was pretty happy to be out and about, same with Bradley. It was a nice day out too, a little windy but still nice, made for a good photoshoot at least"

Lili "That's good." Lili knew just how much Bentley meant to Cole and the happiness that bulldog brought him so she was glad he had gotten to see him. Drinking from her wine glass, Lili looked over at Cole. The silence now wasn't exactly comfortable but it wasn't /uncomfortable/ either. They were just trying to find that middle ground. They were doing much better than they had in the past month - at least there was no more crying or yelling, but they had a long way to go before they were back to even how close they used to be starting out on the show. They'd get there, Lili would make sure of it. "So," she broke the silence and reached over to pat Cole's knee. "What am I putting on to watch while we're getting wine happy?"

Cole: "Yeah, it was nice to see them again" Seeing Bentley was just one of the things that made coming back to Vancouver so welcoming, there was a lot of little things that made the city feel so home-like and the bulldog was definitely one of them. Getting comfortable, Cole took another sip of his wine, moving his arm to rest on the back of the couch before focusing back on Lili and what she was saying. "Uhhh whatever you like, put on something halloween-y if you want. Oh! You know that skeleton movie? The one with the make-up that you did? You remember the first halloween we did together and you painted my face? The Skeleton King or whatever his name is?" Cole was trying to explain it to Lili but he wasn't entirely sure that it was working. "I can't remember the name but we should watch that one. I still haven't seen it and I feel like I have to watch it since theres a picture on the internet with that on my face"

Lili sat, amused, as she watched Cole try to piece together the Halloween movie that had inspired their makeup years ago. She was baffled as to how he could've avoided seeing it all this time. "How did we date and you never once watched A Nightmare Before Christmas?" She asked slowly, shaking her head and widening her eyes. "This is a travesty and must be fixed." It was a classic. She navigated out of Netflix and put on Disney+, going to their Halloween category and pressing play. It was always her first choice once October rolled around and she had seen it twice already, but the third time was the charm. "His name is Jack, by the way. Jack The Skeleton King." Lili still shook her head before she sat up straight, eyes wide. "Are you going to let me put makeup on you again this year? Oh my God, Cole, /please/."

Cole: “I don’t know! You always used to sing that song from it and it’d always be stuck in my head but that’s all I remember to be honest” Cole knew that it was one of Lili’s most loved movies and he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t seen it before, especially since it seemed to be a Disney classic. At least they could watch it now since something gory and horror like wasn’t really anything Cole was interested in watching at the moment. He’d do that closer to actual halloween to really try and get in the spirit. “Uhhh maybe? I haven’t figured out my costume yet so I’m open to ideas if you have any good ones. I’m not sure whether we’re working but we’ll probably do a cast thing like usual anyways”

Lili couldn't help but clap her hands excitedly. The more wine she drank and the more her and Cole talked, the more it felt like old times. "I don't know my costume either," she shrugged her shoulders after taking another sip of her liquor. "I don't think any of us will be going out or there'll be any parties, unless we're all together." Lili loved Halloween so it was depressing to think that she couldn't get into the spirit this year, but safety trumped everything. A Halloween party with the cast would be the next best thing to going out to another party, probably even better since she was more comfortable with her group of friends than with strangers. "Ooh, here's the song." Cole probably meant Sally's Song, but Lili also loved This Is Halloween. She leaned across him and turned up the volume, biting her lip as the drink in her hand sloshed over the rim and got onto his shirt. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry."

Cole: “Yeah we’ll definitely have to organise our own little gathering if we want to do something but at least it’ll just be us then” Which was kind of nice if Cole really thought about it. A small amount of people and nobody else it’d be quiet and private which was just what Cole wanted. He wasn’t paying attention when Lili spilt the wine, just felt the liquid seeping into his white button down. “It’s alright don’t apologise” He shrugged it off, immediately slipping it over his head and getting up, “I’ll just stick in the washer and then dry it” he told her, making his way to put the shirt in the washing machine and then coming back. He’d taken all his shirts back from Lili when they stopped dating so Cole was left shirtless but he knew Lili wouldn’t care or he hoped she wouldn’t. He sat back down, finishing the red wine in his own glass before setting it onto the coffee table.

Lili tried not to look over at Cole as he shrugged his shirt off, but was failing miserably. He had gotten more buff over quarantine - it felt like she had gained weight and he had gained muscle, where was the fairness in that? His arms were definitely stronger looking than they had been when they were dating and she watched as his biceps flexed as he raised his arms up. She stood up immediately as he sat down, feeling flushed. "Be right back," she murmured and moved past the washer that he had started. He /thought/ he had all of his shirts back - there was a light green one he had given her a few years ago, with the hole in the neck that she had kept and hidden deep in her drawer before sending all his shirts back. She pulled it out and dragged her fingers through the soft material before sighing and making her way back to the living room. "Here," she said softly. "I kept it because it smelled like you and I just missed..anyways, here." She handed him the shirt and let her fingers linger against his own, swallowing.

Cole: “Oh thanks” Cole replied, pulling on the green shirt Lili had handed to him. It was still just as soft as he remembered and it brought back lots of memories of lazy Sunday mornings, Cole cooking choc chip pancakes and brewing coffee while Lili sat at the island wearing his shirt. It had lots of good memories attached to it and he was grateful she still had it. He watched the movie for a little while, looking over to Lili every so often. She hadn’t changed a bit over quarantine and Cole knew deep down his feelings for Lili hadn’t changed as much as he hoped they had. Once the dryer went off, Cole swapped his shirt back over, sticking his green shirt in the wash. “You can keep it. It looks better on you” he told Lili truthfully, moving just a little closer to her. Her eyes had always lured Cole in and maybe that was what prompted him to kiss her, that or the alcohol that was currently flowing through his veins.

Lili "Mhm," Lili nodded and gave Cole a small smile. At least he wasn't freaked out by the fact that she had kept his shirt. Clearing her throat and moving her hand away from his, Lili sat back down on the couch and tried to pay attention to what was happening on screen but everything felt charged now. Maybe it was the soft way Cole was looking at her again, or how his leg pressed against hers, or the wine flush spreading across her cheeks. She didn't know but something felt changed. She finished up her wine, making the decision to not refill it, and finally looked over at Cole to see him staring back at her. She smiled at him and then jumped slightly at the sound of the washing machine beeping. "Thanks," she chuckled and reached her hand up to feel her heated cheeks. Whew - she needed to turn the AC up or something - and then her eyes widened as she saw how close Cole was to her. When he kissed her, she froze but it didn't take long to fall back into that familiar rhythm and she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. It felt wholly different and yet incredibly comforting all at the same time. Her fingers threaded through his long brown threads and she rested her forehead against his when they pulled back to get some air. "What are you doing?" She asked softly, not moving away from him.

Cole: Kissing Lili had always felt natural and this time was no different, it definitely felt like something had changed but not so much that all the feelings didn’t rush back. He breathed softly when they parted and Cole answered Lili “Trying to make out with my ex girlfriend, is that alright with you?” He asked somewhat smugly and soon, his hand had found her neck and he’d pulled her close once more. She was like a fire, igniting everytime they kissed, always wanting more no matter where they were. They’d even gotten in trouble on set for making out once the directors had called cut occasionally. But now, Cole didn’t want it to stop.

Lili rolled her eyes at Cole's response. Well, at least she could tell he wasn't drunk off his ass because that was /such/ a Cole line. "Shut up," she mumbled and pressed her hand against the back of his neck to bring him in for another kiss. Arousal pooled in her belly at the familiar feeling of him pressed up against her and even though warning bells were going off that this was a bad idea and she'd only get hurt later, she didn't want to stop. This was what she had been wanting, craving, missing all these months and now it was falling right in her lap. With a smile, Lili pulled back and ran her hands up Cole's chest to remove the shirt he had just put on. Her fingers explored the bare expanse of his skin she had been eyeing longingly just minutes before and she hooked her leg around his hip before jumping up fluidly, like she had so many times before. "Pause the movie and let's go to my room." She dragged her hand through his hair and smiled down at him, her heart pounding in anticipation before she dug her nails lightly into his back.

Cole: Immediately did as he was told, turning off the TV. The movie hasn’t finished and he hadn’t paused it either, just wanting to hurry up so he and Lili could continue. Lili had always been easy to carry and all it took was a hand around her waist and they were up and nearly at her bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind them. The bed felt like a fluffy cloud and Cole fell back towards it with a small ‘pod’, his hands already working on her shirt.

Lili When Lili woke up the next morning, it was to find herself alone in her bed. She reached a hand out to see if Cole was there and sat up slowly, trying to see if she could hear any sounds of movement. No coffee machine. Not even the dryer humming. It felt just like old times, when they were sneaking around and he'd leave early so that Mads wouldn't find out they were sleeping together. Trying not to feel too disappointed, Lili pulled the covers to her chest and rested her forehead on her knees. Despite missing him being next to her, she couldn't help but smile. That had been..incredible. With all that built up tension, maybe in the top five of best sex they had ever had. Maybe things were turning around and they could work on..No, she couldn't get ahead of herself. One day at a time.

Cole: “Coffee?” Cole asked Elise, handing her a mug over the bench top. Her brunette locks were sprawled out and hanging loosely over the blue cardigan of Cole’s she’d put on when they got up. He set about getting things ready for making breakfast and was mostly lost in his own world thinking about last night. Cole had fallen asleep entangled in Lili and when he’d woken up only an hour later, guilt had immediately crept in. He knew a lot of his confidence had come from the wine but Cole knew they couldn’t have a repeat. Their split had ended mutually but Cole knew he was the reason Lili had been so upset. The elevator incident and a lot of other things had proved that to him. He couldn’t go back and forth with her and she didn’t deserve to be with someone like him. He’d left the bed a few minutes later, calling Elise once he’d left Lili’s apartment. He needed to move on and forget about Lili as someone other than his co-worker. He couldn’t keep hurting her. Elise was nice and easy to get along with so the distraction was welcome and soon, it was morning and Cole had woken again to find a brunette with him instead of a blonde.

Lili had fallen back asleep and when she woke again, it wasn't dark anymore and bright light shined through her windows. She pulled out her phone to see if Cole had sent her any texts and saw he hadn't. Nothing. Even in the past, he had always at least reached out to her and this felt weird. The excitement and hopefulness she had felt the previous night was slowly fading to something like dread in her gut but Lili brushed it off. Maybe he was just asleep, still sleeping off their night. She'd take a breath, not panic, and then go out to get him some breakfast to surprise him with. Regardless, they needed to speak about what had happened and what it meant for them. Was it just a one time thing? Did this mean he still wasn't over her? Did they try again? So many questions and only Cole could give her answers. Getting dressed, Lili grabbed her keys and her mask and placed a mobile order for some breakfast. Off to Cole's it was. She debated telling him she was coming over but decided against it, wanting him to be surprised.

Cole: It didn’t take long for Cole to make a feast out of the breakfast ingredients he’d had in his house. Bacon and eggs and waffles were always a good combination and Cole was currently standing over the stove shirtless and frying the eggs as he waited for the waffles to finish. He set his coffee cup back down, listening to Elise talk. “Well he doesn’t actually fly the helicopter, his owner does that but he’ll definitely fight you for the front seat, that’s for sure” Cole chuckled, pulling the pan off the stove and putting the eggs onto a plate. He refilled his coffee up, drinking from it once more. He hadn’t had a hangover, just a headache and a guilty feeling from last nights adventures. Cole was hoping work on Monday wouldn’t be too awkward.

Lili picked up the breakfast fairly quickly and gave her Uber driver directions to Cole's apartment. Drumming her fingers against her lap and keeping the takeout boxes still, Lili stared out the window as the car drove. The closer she got to Cole's place, the more uneasy she felt. Something wasn't right. How could it have been so perfect, so natural the previous night and yet feel so strange and unfamiliar in the morning? Maybe it was because she was used to waking up next to Cole and cuddling with him until they were ready to get out of bed. This felt like a cheap hookup, and Lili never wanted to feel cheap or meaningless when it came to Cole. She thanked the driver as he stopped and got out, pulling out her phone and finding Cole's floor and room from the text he pinned in their group chat a few weeks ago. When she arrived, she knocked on the door and waited for him to open it with a small smile on her face.

Cole: Cole was halfway through breakfast when he ran out of coffee again and got up to fill his cup a second time. He heard the knock at the door and not bothering with a shirt went to open it. Cole was pretty sure this was what karma felt like. Seeing Lili on the other side of the door step made him feel sick and guilty all at once. He tried to plaster on a smile but Cole knew Lili wouldn’t buy it “Hey” he started with greeting Lili. “Cole, where do you keep your...” He felt Elise’s prescence next to him “Oh hey, I’m Elise”

Lili was a little surprised (but not necessarily disappointed) to see Cole shirtless again. "What's with you and shirts lately?" She joked, her smile widening as she held out the food. "I brought you some break..fast.." Her words trailed off as she saw a gorgeous brunette join him at the door. Her entire body went cold. It suddenly made perfect sense as to why he was shirtless and it made her stomach contract violently, thinking that he had slept with this girl right after her. He had touched her so lovingly, so gently and it had felt like she was the only girl in the world again last night. Now, she realized all she was was somebody to scratch an itch for Cole. There were a lot of things said about Cole by people who didn't know him and Lili had always defended him violently, knowing they didn't know the loving, thoughtful, kind man she fell in love with.. and right now Lili was wondering if she had ever really known him at all. "I thought you were different," she told Cole, not caring if this made him look bad in front of Elise. Her voice was choked. "And I thought I meant more to you than this. I guess you showed me, huh?" Her eyes filled with tears and she dropped the Styrofoam boxes right at Cole's feet, and walking away. She was shaking, she could feel it, and as soon as she got outside, she was going to throw right up into the bushes. So this was how it ended - not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Cole: This was exactly Cole had been trying to avoid and maybe he hasn’t gone about it the right way but his intentions had been pure ever if Lili wasn’t able to see that. “Should I go?” Elise asked “Yes. I mean no, I don’t know, do whatever you want” he told Elise a little more harshly than what he’d meant to and Cole picked a shirt from the coat rack and slipped it on, immediately following after Lili “Lil, wait!” He called out after her. Her words had really hurt, she had been the one person Cole could rely on to always have his back and now she had changed her tune. The elevator doors had shut before Cole could catch up and he hastily opened the fire escape, skipping steps in order to make it down to the ground and catch Lili. “It’s not like that, I promise” He told her, her tears just another punch to the gut.

Lili could hear Cole calling out to her and she didn't care. If they never spoke again, that was fine with her. Her heart was screaming at her that that wasn't true, that this hurt so much because he /did/ matter to her but just looking at Cole's face made her feel like she wanted to drop into a hole and stay buried underneath the ground. She hadn't felt this hurt since they broke up. When he finally caught up to her, Lili laughed and there was no humor in it as she turned around to face him. "Are you kidding me?" She asked, swiping at her eyes. She didn't want to cry in front of him but she couldn't control it. "What - what is it like, Cole? I was just some - some easy /fuck/ and you weren't satisfied so you called up 'Elise' to finish the job?" Her chest burned as she looked at him, not recognizing him anymore. This wasn't her Cole and maybe he hadn't been for a long time. "Who are you?" She questioned him, her green eyes still shining with tears. "I don't know this Cole. I don't like him. You just - you fucked me and you tossed me aside like I was nothing, like the past four years meant /nothing/. Maybe they did, to you." She shrugged her shoulders, a sharp ache in her chest at the thought of that being true. "Maybe I'm nothing to you now. You could've just told me that in a text instead of ignoring me like some fuck boy and calling up the next girl for you to sleep with. I deserve better than that." Lili nodded her head and exhaled. "I deserve better than you and I never thought that until now. So shove your explanation, Cole. Go be with Elise. I hope she likes this version of you because I sure as hell fucking don't." She scoffed and shook her head, walking backwards. "Don't call me, don't text me. As of now, we're just co-workers because you've shown I'm nothing to you. Goodbye, Cole."

Cole: This was not how Cole had wanted things to go. His whole idea had been so he wouldn’t upset Lili again and that had been exactly what had happened. It just confirmed to Cole that nothing good ever came from Lili associating with him and this was why they needed to be apart. He watched Lili leave, every word stabbing harder than the last and as much as Cole wanted to fight back and explain himself, he knew it was futile. Lili wasn’t going to listen to what he has to say and maybe it was better she left now instead of the two of them getting more worked up in the lobby. Letting out a scream of rage, Cole kicked at the nearest thing and immediately wished he hadn’t. The elevator doors were dented in, just another thing he’d ruined in his path of destruction.

#p002

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brynandchristopher · 4 years

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The (temporary) end of an era

Well, it’s certainly been a while since we last wrote. We apologize for the delay, we’ve been busy transitioning from New Zealand life to Australia in the last month or so, and then from Australia back to our homes in the last few days, and just haven’t gotten around to writing. But now we’re back! First and foremost, Chris and I are safe, happy, and healthy. It is a crazy time that we are living in right now, but so far we have remained physically unaffected by coronavirus and are keeping our fingers crossed that it remains that way. We are in good health and taking all of the necessary precautions to stay safe in this time of chaos and uncertainty.

In our last post, we had just bid Madeline farewell and were beginning the process of selling our van, Sweetie, in Christchurch. We gave ourselves ~2 weeks before departing to sell the van in hopes that would give us enough time to meet with prospective buyers and try to make some of our money back before taking off for Australia. In New Zealand, there is a bit of a boom and bust cycle in regards to van prices due to the major influx of backpackers at the beginning of the summer and mass exodus at the end of summer. Additionally, most backpackers take a similar route to the one we took - flying into Auckland, exploring the north island, heading down south, flying out of Christchurch - resulting in a huge supply of backpacker vans in Christchurch and not very much demand. We were aware of this cycle going into our trip and knew we wouldn’t get a full return on what we spent, but we were hopeful we could get at least half of our money back to put towards our next van in Australia. Our first few van showings were slightly disheartening. We received significant interest via buy/sell facebook pages and other websites where we posted ads, but when we met in person for test drives and viewings everyone seemed very nit-picky about small things that hadn’t mattered much to us. We soon realized that backpackers looking at vans at the end of the summer could afford to be selective because of how many vans were available to them at a low cost. We didn’t let them get us down though, and after 4 or 5 days of showings we met an Israeli couple around our age that was interested in buying Sweetie. Chris negotiated with them (definitely not my forté, Chris is the master haggler between the two of us) and we were able to get a little more than half of what we had spent. We spent a day driving around with them for a test drive, mechanical inspection, and eventually a transfer of ownership, and by that evening it was time for us to part with our beloved Sweetie. She was a real trooper and everything we could have asked for for our very first car, we felt lucky to have had no car problems for the whole 3 months (which cannot be said for many secondhand backpacker campervans). We were sad to see her go but happy to be leaving her in good hands for her next adventure :)

It was a relief to sell the van in the first few days of our arrival to Christchurch, but we soon realized we had a lot of time on our hands for the next 10 days without a vehicle to go anywhere beyond the city. We stayed in a hostel in central Christchurch for 3 nights and spent a few days exploring the sights of the city. We walked through the botanical gardens, visited the local museum, explored the shops, and hung out around the hostel. One day we went to a climbing gym and spent a few hours bouldering, a hobby that both Chris and I had missed since our travels began. Once our time in the hostel was up, Chris’ dad, John, helped us out with some points so we could stay at the Double Tree Inn for 2 nights. After living in a minivan for 3 months and then staying in a crowded hostel for a few nights, the Double Tree felt luxurious and plush. We were very grateful to be staying in a nice place for a few days and have a bit of a break from the backpacker lifestyle - thanks Wan :)

For the remainder of our time in Christchurch, we booked a cheap AirBnb on the outskirts of the city. We were beginning to get a bit restless - while Christchurch is nice enough, New Zealand isn’t exactly famous for it’s beautiful cities and we felt like we had explored most of what it had to offer. I spent most of our days there starting to look online for vans and jobs in Australia, and Chris played a lot of Pokémon ;) I had applied to a few live-in nanny jobs in Queensland, where we were hoping to post up for a few months to save up some money, and I heard back from the one Chris and I were most excited about. The family of 5 lived on 7 acres in a sleepy beach town called Kinka Beach about 7 hours north of Brisbane, and it seemed like we would be a good fit for what they were looking for. After a few emails back and forth, the mother, Olivia, and I spoke on the phone for a while to sort out the details and get to know each other a bit. Originally Olivia and her husband, Darren, weren’t looking to have a couple, but when we told them of Chris’ handyman/DIY construction experience, they figured they could use his help on some projects around their property in addition to my help with their 3 kids. We agreed on an arrival date in early April and planned to stay in touch until then. Before we knew it, our last night in New Zealand was upon us and we decided to celebrate by going out to dinner at a Chinese vegetarian restaurant a few blocks away from our AirBnb. We ordered a few different dishes, which were fantastic, and recounted all of the unforgettable memories we made in the beautiful country of New Zealand. It was a sad goodbye but we were looking forward to our next adventure in Australia.

At this point, the Coronavirus panic was beginning to ramp up. We were only experiencing it secondhand, as it hadn’t become a problem at all in New Zealand yet, so it didn't really feel real until we got to the airport. There were increased screening and security measures when we arrived to Australia, questions about where we’d travelled recently and separate lines for people who had been to China, Italy, Iran, or Dubai. This, of course, was only the tip of the iceberg and our nervousness about the situation began to increase. My parents were supposed to be visiting about a week after we arrived to Sydney and we weren’t sure what would happen in that time. Fortunately, we had a safe and isolated place to stay in Sydney for the week - my Dad’s childhood friend, Rob, lives in a beautiful downtown apartment in the heart of Sydney and was gracious enough to host us. For the first few days we got to know Rob over dinners and wine and he gave us advice for places to check out around the city. We walked through the beautiful botanic gardens, along the harbor to see the Sydney Opera House, and spent a day soaking up the sun at Bondi Beach. We were primarily in Sydney to start our hunt for a new van, so we met up with a few different sellers that we’d been in contact with to test drive and scope out our options. Because we would be living in this van for a longer period of time, we were hoping to upgrade on a few things that Sweetie didn’t have - a bit more space in the back, a high roof, and an indoor kitchen. We liked 1 or 2 of the ones we viewed in the first few days, but nothing was really checking all of the boxes that we were hoping for.

Three or four days into our time in Sydney, it became very apparent how seriously the world was reacting to Coronavirus. Everyone was being sent home from work, businesses were closing, and fewer and fewer people were out on the street each day. Before we knew it, travel restrictions and bans were being put in place by many countries, Australia being one of them. With very heavy hearts, my parents had to cancel their trip to come and visit us for 2+ weeks. We were all pretty heartbroken about the situation, all of us had been looking forward to the trip for months. I was craving a taste of comfort and home that I knew would come from spending time with my parents, and I knew how excited they were to take a much deserved break from work and go on a big adventure across the world. I soon found out that my sister, Maggie, was also going to surprise me and come along with them (I had suspicions all along (; ), which only made it harder. It was a major disappointment on both ends, but it was out of our hands.

Feeling a bit deflated and sad, we continued our search for the right van. When we came across a van that was everything we were looking for but a little bit out of our price range, we figured we might as well take a look at it and see if we could negotiate our way down. We met with the owner of the van, a Spanish guy named Edgar, who was trying to get out of the country as soon as possible because his visa was about to expire. The van was perfect, we fell in love with it immediately. It had a solar panel on top that powered a refrigerator, water pump for running water, power outlets, and cabin lights, had a whole indoor kitchen set up, and had a semi-high roof. It was in great mechanical condition and had very low kilometers compared to the majority of the vans we had looked at. We spent a day or two going back and forth with Edgar about the price and eventually we came to an agreement- we were now the proud owners of a 1999 fully outfitted Toyota Hiace Campervan! We named him Rollo, a viking name that we felt was well-suited for our van.

A day or two later, Chris and I went through a few hours of panic about coronavirus and whether or not we needed to make the difficult decision to end our trip and go home. It was poor timing to go through this decision making process, as we had just invested the majority of our money into a new home on wheels, but it was an option we knew we had to seriously consider before carrying on with our travel plans. We went through many different hypothetical scenarios, weighed all of the pros and cons, talked it out with friends and family, and eventually came to the decision that we would wait it out in Australia for now. The situation worldwide was changing every day and the uncertainty was scary - our first instinct is to be around our family in a time like this - but we knew we had a safe place to hunker down for a few months with our nannying family in Kinka Beach. With new border closures and travel restrictions being put into place, we decided we would leave Sydney and head straight for Kinka Beach without making many stops in between. Before we left, Rob recommended a hike close by in Royal National Park to the beautiful Figure Eight Pools. These series of pools were formed along a rock shelf of the coastline from centuries of pounding waves and receding tides. When the tide is low enough, you can walk out on the shelf and take a dip in the crystal clear waters of the Figure Eight Pools - take a look at our pictures and you’ll understand the name. We had never seen anything like them before, it was a really cool adventure. After swimming in the pools we spent a few hours on the beach before making our way back to Sydney. We had our last dinner with Rob and he was nice enough to send us off with a basket full of van-life essentials - we were beyond grateful for his hospitality and generosity over the course of the week and hoped to visit if we’re back in Sydney again :)

Chris and I hit the road and began our 3-day drive up the east coast of Australia. On our first day, we stopped in to visit with my great-Aunt, Nancy, who lives in Newcastle a few hours north of Sydney. I had never met Nancy, only heard about her secondhand from my Grandad and the rest of my Dad’s family, so I was very excited to finally get to meet her. Chris and I spent an hour or so with Nancy, chatting over tea and walking through her magnificent backyard garden. It was wonderful to meet her and exchange stories of our travels, I hope to stay in touch in the future. After saying our goodbyes, we continued our drive north. We felt a bit melancholy as we passed exit after exit for all of the places we were supposed to be staying at with my parents, but we were doing our best to stay positive. We knew how lucky we were to have found a beautiful new van and to have a safe place to go to in a time of crisis. We stayed overnight in free rest-stop campsites along the way and made it to Kinka Beach after 3 long days in the van.

Olivia and Darren, the parents, greeted us and we spent an hour or so getting to know each other and taking a look around their property. They own a coral selling business where they harvest small amounts of coral from the Great Barrier Reef and then propagate it in tanks on land to sell to aquarium owners, pet stores, etc. Their property had an old aquarium on it that they were going to convert into a coral-growing space because it already had the tanks and requirements needed for their business. The aquarium was accompanied by a giant concrete whale that you could go inside - it was as big as a house and definitely a trademark of the Kinka Beach area. It was a funky property but we liked it, and we got along well with Olivia and Darren. Because we had been in Sydney and traveling around, they asked us to keep our distance and self-isolate in our van on their property for the first week that we were there, which we of course were fine with. We spent the week going to the beach, stocking up on food essentials, and relaxing in the van. As much as we tried to keep our distance, the older two of the children were very curious about the two new van-dwellers on their property. They would sneak away from their parents to come and say hello, and took a liking to us right away. Our new names were ‘Nanny Chris’ and ‘Nanny Bryn’, it was very cute :) The week of isolation passed and Chris and I moved in to the family’s house. The family also had a separate unit on their property on the second floor of the aquarium that Chris and I were planning on moving into but it had some damage from a cyclone a few years back. Fixing up the separate unit was going to be Chris’ project for the few months that we were there, and he dove right in once we got settled. For the first few days I was with Olivia and the three kids - Henderson or ‘Hendo’ (4), Israel (2), and Kingsley (12 weeks) - playing in their blow up pool, jumping on the trampoline, reading books, and watching movies. The kids were adorable and (mostly) well-behaved, and Olivia and I got along great. I spent my birthday with the kids, and Chris and I snuck away during their nap to have a pizza beach picnic where he gave me a guitar!! I had expressed the desire to start learning throughout our travels and he remembered, it was a very sweet and thoughtful gift <3 The family surprised me with birthday cake and songs later that night and made my birthday feel special, even if it was under somewhat different circumstances than usual.

A day or two into the job, the same anxieties that Chris and I were having in Sydney began to creep back up on us. Coronavirus continued to ramp up, and our fears of being far from home grew with it. We worried about being stuck in Australia if they cancelled all outgoing flights and not being able to return to the US if family or friends got sick, or what would happen if we needed to be hospitalized abroad. Mostly we just felt scared, anxious, and homesick being in an unfamiliar place during a time of such panic and crisis, and it was seriously impacting our ability to enjoy our time there. The family had also asked that Chris didn’t get a job in the community, as they had young children and a baby, and wanted to limit potential exposure to the virus. This would mean we wouldn’t be making very much money, and we knew we needed to resupply our funds if we wanted to continue to travel. At the same time, we were scared by the prospect of traveling if we did decide to go home, which would mean exposing ourselves to airplanes and airports. It was risky and we didn’t want to bring the sickness home to anyone or put others at risk. After a few wrenching days of going back and forth about it and talking it through with Olivia and Darren, Chris and I made the difficult decision to sell the van and go home. It was a heartbreaking goodbye - the kids had begun to get attached to us, and us to them - but after lots of hugs we bid farewell and headed south towards Brisbane to sell Rollo. We stayed at a campground and arranged a few meetings with interested buyers, and after a day we made a quick sale to a Dutch backpacker couple. The next morning we were on a flight to Sydney, where we spent the night, and then carried on to San Francisco the following day. After the 13+ hour flight to California, Chris and I parted ways - I flew home to Boston and Chris to Salt Lake City. It feels strange and sad to be apart after spending literally every hour of the day together for 5+ months straight, but fortunately (and unfortunately, I suppose) we have quite a bit of experience with long-distance. We know it’s not forever and we are staying positive and looking forward to spending time with our families after being away for so long. Both of us are currently self-quarantining in our homes - I’m up in the creative room in my house for the next two weeks and Chris is confined to the basement at his house. We’re both feeling very lucky that our houses are set up in a way that allows us to be physically separate from our families while still being able to visit from across the yard or between rooms. We know not everyone being affected by coronavirus is afforded that same luxury, so we are counting our blessings and keeping ourselves busy for the next 14 days.

Unfortunately this will likely be our last blog post for a while. But don’t worry!! Our travels will continue once we’ve saved up a little more money, and we will be sure to post here when that time comes :) We are relieved and happy to be home and are looking forward to better and brighter days. Thank you to all of our friends and family who have kept up with our travels in the past 5 months, it has been filled with more joy, wonder, and adventure than we could have ever imagined. We feel so lucky to have people in our lives that we can share those experiences with, so thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Stay home, stay safe, and stay healthy!!

With love,

Bryn and Christopher

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hiddenbeats247 · 4 years

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Spotlight - Charles Cleyn

Today our Spotlight – Charles Cleyn. I have to admit I didn’t know much about Charles when I was first approached about an interview. After a little digging around I certainly found out some interesting stuff. It was great getting to spend a few moments talking with Charles about his music and his moves he's made to pursue his career. Check out what he had to say.

You often talk fondly of your childhood/early years listening to music with your siblings at home; Clapton, the Beatles, and the like, were you each pretty steadfast in your lanes, or were all 3 of you pretty wild when it came to music choice, playing, etc (there were 5 kids) Growing up I rarely heard anything too experiential around the house. All of our tastes fell under a similar umbrella. My parents had their “go to’s” which would be on our 6-disc CD rack and we’d have them on repeat in the living room. The oldest, Trish, was a lover of musical theatre so there was a non stop echo in the house of Disney Classics or the entire collection of Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat. When Mom and Dad were out my brother and I would put on Cream or Sergeant Peppers and this is the music I loved growing up. My younger sisters followed in the footsteps of Trish which meant much more singing! You mentioned that when you were in high school didn’t really pursue music due to a lack of faith/confidence in yourself, until your year end talent show. What finally pushed you to take the leap and go for it? It’s hard to nail down one event. I think it was a matter of time. Socially, I was a self-confidence late bloomer and a quiet kid growing up but internally I was very comfortable with who I was. I just needed time to let other people see who I was. I thought the talent show would be a great time to show people I played piano. You get a lot of praise for taking the plunge and leaving Shopify to pursue your music career. Would you have been that ready and comfortable had you not had the financial backing of years working at Shopify? Probably not. But I took way more out of Shopify than it gave back to me. And it wasn’t money. It was knowledge. I was lucky enough to be an early employee which gave me the flexibility to do many jobs. During my last two years at Shopify I worked at the executive level and I saw everything there was building and managing a multi billion dollar company. I felt comfortable to leave because I knew I had the business experience to make something work in the music industry. Berlin is a huge cultural melting pot, and home to a number of international expats, can you tell us more about the arts and music scene there? How it varies from Canada? Berlin is just cool. It reflects coolness off of everything. Unfortunately, there’s no city like this in Canada. I wish. There is a huge support for local live music. You could play a show every night if you wanted to. Everyone has their own style and nobody cares what that is. It’s really the original hipster. A lot of cities try to be cool but Berlin isn’t trying. It just is. What was it like trying to bridge back to Canada after living in Berlin as long as you were? Canada is home so I feel comfortable here but I still spend a lot of time in Berlin and I’m currently working with three different German producers so I still feel tied to the European culture. Berlin is relaxed but still competitive and it’s a great balance, something I will hope to keep with me in Canada. Your youtube channel - A - Has a whole host of videos, covering a wide gamut of options from how-to’s for begginers, how do you think the online world is changing music appreciation from living rooms with siblings to learning and getting that confidence at a much younger age? B - Has honest comparisons between different music platforms (Spotify, Soundcloud, Tidal, etc) what was the motivation behind pointing that out? And does it have anything to do with hammering it home to newer musicians that they wont make money off their music via said platforms? I create youtube videos because I genuinely like doing it but I think it’s a great channel to build an audience as a musician which has a far bigger organic each than platforms like Facebook or Instagram. I’m still testing out a wide variety of content to see what works and what sticks which is why right now my content might seem a little all over the place. You got to throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall and then double down on whatever sticks. If an independent musician doesn't have a youtube channel, they need to start now.

You’ve played LIVE! On Elgin, Queen St. fare, what are some other local spots you enjoy here in Ottawa, music or otherwise? Live on Elgin is probably my favourite because of its size, sound quality, and support for local musicians. Rainbow Bistro will always have a soft spot in my heart. I’ve gone to many shows there on random Saturday nights. I’ll never say no to a burger at the Manx or Brunch at the Pump. Your song “Keep On” is hauntingly beautiful, what was the process like writing it? It seems incredibly personal about tenacity? Keep On is one of my favourites. It was the first song I wrote where I thought, “hey, this is actually pretty good”. I wrote it in my apartment on the keyboard in the fall. It was pouring out and I was trying to figure out the next step with music. I had no idea what to do but to just keep going and hope that doors will open. I’ve stuck by this until today, all I try to do is keep building, keep moving, and put the trust in the process. Your song “Nothing but Glory” is equally as catchy, listening to it gives a lot of homage to bluegrass and soul music? Tell us more about that Nothing but the Glory was my first co-written song from scratch so it brings three writers perspectives and experiences into it. That’s why I think we got this sound. It was a great experience and I’ve co-written most of my songs since then to get a more diverse sound and to also learn how other writers work. Your song “Sorry” is an unbelievably cute love story even though you didn’t work. Was it about someone in particular, an amalgamation of relationships? Sorry was more of an amalgamation of relationships and actually not being sorry about it anymore. Forgive and forget and then move on. It’s personal but it also draws from other experiences too. Most of my songs start personal and then I embellish them to tell a more captivating story. If you had dream collab, who would it be and why? It would be John Mayer, Justin Bieber, and Ed Sheehan. Very random. John for his jaw-dropping guitar chops and rootsy vibes. Ed for his incredible melodies and Justin for his angelic voice. I think it would be full of laughs.

What can expect from you for 2020, and how has all travel being grounded affected those plans and goals? I’m going to release 7 singles in 2020. My plan was to start releasing songs in April but things shifted. It’s been difficult to finish songs in the studio and obviously play shows since the outbreak of Covid-19. I have an EU tour in June which will likely be cancelled. We plan to tour Canada in October as well and we’re hoping it can happen. In general, the new songs are even more personal and I think it’s the closet style I’ve got to yet in my writing and production. I can’t wait for people to hear them. It’s real quality and I’ve had a great team behind me of songwriters and producers to get them past the finish line. What would you like to tell your fans? Send me a message, send me an email, I want to talk 1:1 with more of my fans because I can. I’m not a superstar so I have the time and capacity to do so. This is a unique one as our Spotlight - Charles Cleyn who has ties in both Berlin and Canada and We want to thank Charles for sending some time with us. Make sure to keep up with Charles for upcoming shows including a tour here in Canada. https://www.charlescleyn.com/

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namjuicyy · 5 years

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A Father’s Love - Chapter 10 [FINAL]

Masterlist | Requests are open.

Genre: Angst, fluff, smut.

Genre of this part: Fluff.

Word Count: 1.9k.

Summary: Single father, Namjoon, struggles to keep his idol life and his private life separate. When he meets you, everything changes.

Warnings: None.

ONE YEAR LATER

The American leg. It was their longest stretch of the entire tour, and during the middle of it, Namjoon was visibly losing the will to live. He gave his all onstage, of course he did, but as soon as the curtains had closed he was close to collapsing. More so from emotional exhaustion rather than physical.

Manager Sejin gave you a call, asking if there was any way that you could fly out to him, join them in America and stay with them for as long as you possibly could. You missed your man. It had been an incredibly long time since you'd seen him... in fact, the longest time. Haneul had taken his father's spot on the bed and cuddled up to you and daddy's Koya pillow. Haneul was usually okay with Namjoon leaving. Of course he missed him, but never this much. So, you thought you'd take Sejin's offer up, and organised to surprise Namjoon in the middle of their tour. Because he needed you, and you and Haneul needed him.

Haneul had never travelled overseas before. He had nothing, so, while he was out at playgroup, you went out to the shopping centre to get some things for the trip: a small suitcase for Haneul, plus one of those adorable Ride and Roll carry-on suitcases that you knew Haneul would love. Sure he was a little mature for his age, given that the majority of people he knew were adults, but he absolutely loved everything he should being a child. The suitcases were packed by the time you had to go and pick him up, the tickets had been sent via email, the Visas had been sorted, you were pretty much ready to go. So, after picking Haneul up from playgroup, you took the detour to the airport and surprised him there and then.

He cried at the prospect of being able to see his daddy again. They were happy tears, of course they were, and despite his crying, he was practically running through security, moaning at you because you were going too slow. He didn't want to sit on his Ride and Roll, but it got to the point where he was running through the airport, you had to force him to sit on it just so you knew where he was.

He was a bearable nightmare on the 13 hour flight from Incheon to San Francisco. He was so excited to finally see his dad again, he tried his hardest to stay awake. He was too afraid of falling asleep and missing it all, landing, getting in the car, seeing daddy. He did pass out, however, half way through his lunch to be precise. His head was almost dunking itself into his yogurt. He was so adorable. You took a photo of him before removing the yogurt from the small boy's path so he didn't actually look like someone's pudding.

Landing was smooth, and going through the airport was even smoother given that you both were privately escorted through security so that no one could get at you or your son. Manager Sejin was waiting the other side, taking your bags off you so you could strap a sleeping Haneul into the seat beside you so he could continue sleeping until you got to the venue. Sejin made conversation with you all the way there, telling you about Namjoon's slump and how he just didn't seem to be taking care of himself properly. You found yourself getting angry at him for his unprofessionalism, but you knew exactly how he felt. The only reason you hadn't gone into a slump yourself was because you had Haneul to take care of.

You woke him up just as you entered the venue, getting him to truly wake up before he lost his mind at his father. You made him remain as quiet as possible as you walked backstage, and Haneul took this a little too far, tip toeing as he made his way backstage, to make doubly sure that his dad didn't hear him.

The door to the artist dressing room opened, and you heard the boys laughing. They saw Sejin and started trying to rope him into some scheme they were plotting to bully Taehyung with. "Listen," he said holding his hands up, "what you lot do in your spare time is none of my business. However, Namjoonie, I need you to do me a favour."

"What's up?" Namjoon asked.

"I need you to stand here." He pointed to a spot in the room that made sure Namjoon was in the centre so everyone could see him, but more importantly, he could see the two of you as soon as the door opened wider. Namjoon disappeared from your view and you heard him stop walking, clearly in position. "Close your eyes."

"Oh God. Last time someone told me to do that, Jungkook shoved his ass in my face and farted."

The whole room erupted in laughter, Jungkook's hands clapping violently as he recalled his prank and felt no remorse for it.

"Trust me." Sejin's voice was soft, but firm. Namjoon obviously did as he was told, because when the door opened to reveal you and Haneul, he didn't move. Sejin moved out the way, "open them."

Namjoon's eyes snapped open and immediately focussed on you and then moved to Haneul. He dropped to his knees and opened his arms wide. Haneul didn't waste any time. "Daddy!" He screamed as he toddled towards his father, launching himself into Namjoon's chest and wrapping his tiny arms around Namjoon's torso.

Namjoon groaned at the impact, but didn't mind the slight pain as his son was wrapped up in his arms again. "Oh my baby boy." He breathed. "I missed you so much. Stop, let me look at you." He gently pushed his son off of him so he could hold his chubby cheeks in his large hands and stare at his son, taking in his entire appearance. "Look at you! You got so tall!"

"I am exactly a hundred and one centimetres." Haneul stated proudly. "Mummy checked."

At the mention of you, Namjoon looked up. He'd almost forgotten that you were there. He picked Haneul up and rested him on his hip, and made his way over to you. His free hand cupped your cheek and his lips immediately attached themselves to yours, keeping you locked to him in a very passionate kiss, just screaming how much he missed you.

"Get a fucking room, you two!" Hoseok shouted from across the room.

"Yeah, daddy, get a fucking room." Haneul repeated.

Namjoon broke the kiss immediately to gently scold his son for his poor use of language. You, on the other hand, had to leave the room so that Haneul couldn't see you laughing at his parrot-like behaviour.

You were there for the show that night, and Haneul got to see his daddy perform for the first time. He was completely enthralled by the stage and how the band performed. He couldn't look away, and screamed every single time he saw Namjoon, either on the stage or on the screen.

Their second night in San Francisco ended with Namjoon bring his son on stage for the endingment, because that's what Haneul asked. He wanted to see what his daddy saw, to know what it was like to be on stage with so many people looking at you. So, Namjoon obliged. And fans lost their mind when they saw the spitting image of Namjoon waddling onto the stage, looking incredibly excited to be there. Namjoon gave Haneul the microphone, as he held him on his hip, and asked him if there was anything he wanted to say. Haneul went shy in that moment, which was pretty much unlike him, but every time Namjoon tried to say something meaningful, Haneul took the microphone off him and placed a kiss to his cheek.

You and Haneul joined Bangtan for the rest of the American tour, bringing in a private tutor from Korea to teach Haneul things during the day, making sure he didn't miss out on his schoolwork. And when he wasn't with his tutor, he was with you and Namjoon, running around on the empty stage and screaming as loud as he could to make his voice echo around the stadium.

The boys had a final free day in New York before they were due to head to the next state, so Namjoon decided to make it special for the three of you. He blindfolded you, and made sure the location was a surprise. The summer breeze hit you as soon as you got out the car, and by the sounds of the people in the background and the cars driving passed, you knew you were somewhere really busy. He pushed you by your shoulders, making sure Haneul was following behind you, and kept you steady as you walked onto the dry grass. He stopped you, gently removed your blindfold, and you almost cried at the sight in front of you.

In the centre of Central Park sat a red and white tartan blanket, weighed down by a few picnic baskets and paper plates and disposable cutlery. Namjoon knew you loved intimate moments with people you loved, and he couldn't have made this any more intimate even if he'd tried. Inside the baskets were your favourite foods, there was some pizza, cakes, sweets, snacks, just general items that were easy enough to eat without the need for plates and fine dining.

His tone turned serious after your meal, as you both sat there and watched Haneul play in the dirt not too far away from you. "You know, I owe a lot to you." He began.

"No you don't."

"I do. We do. It's because of you we became happy again. You fixed me... us. When you left the first time, you had every right to, and I was so terrified I'd never see you again. Hannie was, too, you know. Though he didn't necessarily know you'd gone and been gone for long, he knew something wasn't right. He loves you. Perhaps more than I do if that's even possible. We're lucky to have you."

"I'm lucky to have you both. You invited me into your lives happily. You gave me a family when my own family was half the world away. I love you so much. I love you both so much. I don't ever want to imagine my life without you."

"Me either." He was quiet for a second. "Marry me."

"What?"

"Marry me. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, anyway. You're too amazing to let go. So why not make it official? I'm desperately in love with you, always will be. Marry me."

You didn't even need to think. The word just came out without you realising. "Yes." You saw his face light up and wash with relief. He held you close to him, tighter than he'd ever held you before. His hand went to his pocket and pulled out a box-less ring. Turned out he was going to ask you anyway. The ring, it didn't fit. Of course it wouldn't. He didn't check your size and used Jimin's hands as a guide. So with another hug, he promised you that you'd go together and get it sorted.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw movement. You saw a familiar face with long hair that was let loose around thin shoulders. A face you recognised, laced with some emotion you didn't even want to register. It couldn't be. Was... was that Minji?

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matrixaffiliate · 5 years

Text

Patient

Chapter Update! FFN and AO3

Next chapter goes up on Friday, June 28th!

(P.S. The horizontal line button isn’t working today.)

Chapter 4

It wasn't a total lie, Harry reasoned as he drove North. Neville was a client, one of Harry's first actually. But Neville wasn't having a meeting, he wasn't in a business that would have many meetings, and Neville wasn't actually aware that the Harry Potter who ran his security remotely was the same Harry Potter he'd grown up with. He didn't know, because Harry had lied.

Don't misunderstand him. Harry had wanted Neville to choose his business because Nev wanted to use Harry's company, not because he was a friend. And as they had communicated almost exclusively via email since Neville now lived nearly four hours away, the lie continued fifteen years later. That had been because Harry wasn't too fond of what Neville had decided to specialize in.

See, Nev had gone on to be a psychologist, and Harry had found right after everything happened with his family that everyone kept pushing him to talk about his feelings. No one knew it was his fault that his family had perished, so he didn't begrudge them their assumed kindness, but he still hated that everyone's immediate reaction was to talk about how he felt. Once Harry finally got everything set up with his security business nearly five years after it all, he also found out Nev had gone into psychology. Harry figured no psychologist could resist making broken people talk about how broken they were, especially when they were old friends. So rather than risk Nev pulling the truth from him, Harry lied.

But now, well, Harry knew he needed help. He needed to know how to tell Teddy and Gin what he really was. He needed help figuring out how to move forward when they cut him off. And he figured that Nev would at least be willing to give him some advice before he told him he'd find a new security business.

Today had made him realize it was time. Seeing his parents' home again, Ginny standing at the boxes of all the things his family left behind, Teddy's rightful anger, Ginny loving his childhood home enough to live in it, all of it made him realize that he loved them all too much to keep lying to them. They deserved better. They deserved to spend their lives with people worth their love and their time.

Harry checked into a hotel once he arrived and sent a text to Teddy saying that he'd be home tomorrow. Teddy always assumed, and rightfully so, that Harry meant he was staying with Gin and that suited Harry fine. Then he emailed Neville and told him he would be stopping by in the morning. Once the logistics ran out, so did Harry's mental ability to shut down everything that had happened and everything he was committing himself to do.

He wanted them to be happy, and Teddy would be happy with Vic and her family. It was going to kill him, but he'd known from the beginning this would have to happen. Harry had known since the day he brought Teddy home from Andromeda's funeral that he would have to tell him, and that little boy who held onto him so desperately would want nothing to do with him. Harry knew the day would come.

But Ginny.

Harry had never expected to end up with someone like Ginny in his life. He hadn't ever thought someone would want him, would seek him out, would tell him that they loved him no matter what. Harry had never thought he'd end up tricking someone like her, someone as wonderful and amazing as Gin was.

And for a moment, Harry thought to stop it all, to email Nev and cancel, to pretend none of this happened, to drive the four hours back right now and tell Ginny he loved her and he'd buy back his parents' home and bury all of his guilt so far down that he could selfishly keep her to himself forever. Giving up Ginny felt wrong on so many levels, but he couldn't trap her like this, he was sure she would be happier without him.

She deserved better than him, someone who was honest, someone without so much darkness haunting them. She deserved a chance to start fresh and avoid all his demons.

Harry lay on the bed, trying to clear his mind enough to sleep, but he was haunted by images of mangled cars and still faces, of Teddy's obvious anger, but mostly by the sound of Ginny's parting words to him, and a kiss he had no right to take from her.

_______________________________________

Harry walked into Neville's little office space the next morning very tired. An elderly woman sat at the small reception desk and smiled at him.

"How can I help you, dear?"

Harry cleared his throat, wishing this wasn't so hard.

"I'm Harry Potter, I run all your computer security, I need to speak with Dr. Longbottom."

The woman beamed, "Of course dear, Dr. Longbottom sent me a text last night saying you'd be coming in. He's in his eight-o'clock appointment but he doesn't have anyone at nine and he slid you in there."

"Thank you," Harry glanced at the clock on the wall. He still had fifteen minutes to wait. "Do you mind if I sit and get some work done?"

"Be my guest," the woman grinned and gestured to the five chairs that sat in front of her desk.

Harry slipped out his laptop and tried to keep his mind on everything other than what was about to happen. He hadn't felt so much internal turmoil since the day that Andromeda made him Teddy's sole guardian. The fifteen minutes seemed to drag along at a snail's pace. Harry could swear he was writing emails at record speed based on how he seemed to be getting more done than he ever managed to get done in his office.

Finally, he heard the door open and watched a gentleman nod to the receptionist before heading out the door. Then out stepped Neville.

Harry quickly closed down his laptop and slid it back into the bag.

"Mr. Potter," Neville's grin was wide, "why don't you step into my office and we can discuss what you emailed me about last night?"

Harry nodded and followed his old friend back into his office. Neville hadn't changed much, his hair had darkened a bit and his face had the worn lines of age and experience, but not much else was different. He actually looked a lot like his dad from what Harry remembered of Frank.

Harry's musing was cut short when Neville shut the door and pulled Harry into a tight embrace.

"I knew it! I knew it was you!" Neville let him go and then slugged his arm. "What the hell did I do, Potter? Why try to keep me in the dark?"

"You, you knew?" Harry blinked as Neville's words processed.

"Of course I knew you, idiot. I grew up with you, I think I'd recognize one of my best mates." Neville sat down and gestured for Harry to do the same. Harry sat down in the chair across from the desk. Vaguely his mind registered that there wasn't a sofa in Nev's office. For some strange and unknown reason, that comforted Harry.

"I'm sorry." Harry shook his head. "I didn't want you to use my business just because we were friends."

Nev chuckled, "Harry when I hired you I knew exactly who you were."

Harry quirked a brow, "How?"

Neville chuckled, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I was listening when you were going off on different tangents during A-levels. I figured out who you were."

"You were always a clever prat," Harry gave in to the smile pulling on his lips.

He'd missed Nev.

"Now that's out of the way," Nev leaned back in his chair, "what brought you up here?"

Harry flinched. For a brief second, he forgot he was seeing Nev for something other than reconnecting.

"Harry," Nev pushed back forward, "is everything alright?"

Harry almost backed out, everything within him screamed to grab his backpack and bolt for the door. But it was all drowned out by the memory of Ginny. She deserved better, and he was a putz if he didn't show her that.

"Did you hear about my folks?" He knew the answer. Nev had been at the funeral. But Harry had to start somewhere.

Nev nodded, "I'm so sorry. How's Teddy?"

"Brilliant, he's getting married in about three months."

"That's great, Harry. He's lucky to have you."

Harry huffed, "I don't think so."

Nev leaned over the desk and clasped his hands in front of him. Harry didn't dare make eye contact.

"Why do you say that?"

Harry took a deep breath and said what he should have said to Andromeda and Ted Tonks in the days following his family's death.

"It's my fault that Teddy doesn't have his parents. It's my fault that I don't have my family."

Neville answered him slowly. "What makes you say that, Harry?"

"I offered to watch Teddy and they all decided to go out that night." The words felt like cotton in his mouth. "If I hadn't offered, Remus and Tonks would be planning Teddy's wedding with him, not me."

"So, you blame yourself for the deaths of your family."

"Of course I do, Nev," Harry snapped, finally looking up at his old friend. "It's my fault!"

"Not the fault of the drunk driver?"

Neville's face was calm and Harry felt fury boiling in him. Why was he so calm about this? He was supposed to hate him, tell him what an awful person he was, agree with him that he wasn't worth Teddy's time, let alone Ginny's

"When's the last time you had alcohol, Harry?"

Harry felt like the question hit him from behind, and he blinked at Neville.

"Before the accident, right?" Neville pressed.

Harry glared at him but nodded. What did alcohol have to do with anything?

"Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'?" Harry yelled. "Every time I look at it I see them. I was next of kin! I went to the morgue! I sat there with a screaming little boy because his mum and dad weren't coming home! And it was my fault! I caused it! So forgive me for hating the site of alcohol because it's a constant reminder of everything I did to end the lives of the people I loved the most and to rob my godson of a family and happy life with them!"

Harry felt the lump rising in his throat and tried to swallow it down.

"And I never told anyone, Nev. I sat next to Andromeda as she died in the hospital and I couldn't tell her." The tears escaped him and Harry wiped at them with the back of his hand in anger. "And Teddy doesn't know, and now there's Gin and they both deserve so much more, so much better than me. Teddy's fiance's family will take good care of him, and they'll love him. He'll be happier without me. And Ginny, she needs better than me, she deserves to know what I am."

"What are you, Harry?" Neville's voice was soft, calm.

"All those years at a fancy school and you can't see a murderer when he confesses to you?"

Neville laughed and for a moment Harry yearned for the old days, when he and Nev would climb into the old Cortina Mark IV Harry bought and drive around like maniacs, when things were so much simpler, when his family was still with him.

Neville handed him a small framed picture.

"Harry, this is Hannah," Harry looked down at the woman in the frame. She was standing against a light pole with a bright smile on her face.

"Your wife?" Harry flinched at how much he'd missed of his old friend's life.

Neville nodded as he took the frame back.

"Hannah and I have been married for six years, and we'd very much like to start a family. We've been trying for four years now. The doctors we've seen all say that there's nothing medically wrong with either of us. Neither of us is unhealthy. Yet here we are, four years into trying, and no children."

Neville looked down at the frame, a sad sigh escaping his lips.

"What would you say if I told you it was Hannah's fault we weren't having kids?"

"I'd punch you in the mouth," Harry frowned.

Neville, however, smiled, "I'd hoped that would be your response. It's incorrect to say that the problem is her or me. It's not. It's what has happened, and we're working through it as best we can."

Harry felt a great deal of confusion as he stared at his old friend.

"It isn't anymore Hannah's fault that we haven't had kids than it is your fault that your family perished, Harry." Nev set the frame aside and looked back at him. "And as your friend, I'd feel similarly inclined to punch you in the mouth for suggesting the latter."

Harry hung his head in his hands. "When you put it like that I sound like an arse."

"No, you sound like a man who was never given the opportunity to grieve. You became Teddy's guardian just over a year after your family died and you spent most of that year taking care of Andromeda and Teddy."

Neville moved around his desk and knelt next to Harry. "Mate, did you even once over these years take time to actually feel the pain for yourself? Not feeling for Teddy, but feeling the loss of so many people close to you?"

"I don't know, Nev," Harry shuddered under the weight of nearly two decades of unprocessed grief.

"Then let's talk about how you can grieve now." Neville put a hand on his shoulder. "And after, I want to know who Ginny is."

And for the first time since his family perished, Harry felt something that felt an awful lot like hope.

_______________________________________

Neville's ten-o'clock appointment canceled last minute which he used to help Harry learn how to grieve and let go. Harry wasn't particularly fond of the idea, but Nev assured Harry the problem was not him, it was a lack of grieving.

Five minutes before Neville's eleven-o'clock appointment, Harry stood to leave.

"Thanks, Nev, I'm not sure if I would have managed without you."

Neville pulled Harry into a hug, "Mate, this is what friends and family are for. We reach out and we help each other heal from what the world throws at us."

"Send me a bill for the two hours and I'll wire you the fee." Harry slung his backpack over his shoulder.

"Nah," Neville shook his head, "Hannah and I will come down and you take us and Ginny out to dinner together. That's the only payment I'll accept."

Harry chuckled, "Let me know the next time you're down my way then. I know of a few places."

Neville hugged him once more before seeing him out.

Harry started the drive back down and took the first step that Nev had suggested. He called Kelsey.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better," Kelsey's voice sounded through his Bluetooth.

"Yes, I'm sorry for yesterday," the next words seemed to cut his throat as he spoke them, "I'd very much like to see that third home. Could you arrange it, preferably today?"

"Of course," Kelsey's answer was far too chipper but Harry reminded himself that most people weren't grieving the majority of their adult lives.

After setting the time he called Teddy, who didn't answer. Harry assumed that he was in class and left a message. Nev said it would be good for Teddy to be a part of this process, it would be good for him to see Harry finally grieve. Harry didn't like it one bit, but Nev had been insistent that it would help with the anger Harry was sure Teddy harbored against him.

The next call was the one he was both anticipating and dreading.

"Harry," Ginny answered before the first ring had finished.

Harry felt the tension ease at the sound of her voice.

"Gin," it was more of a sigh than a greeting, like when you walk in your door after a few days away and let the feeling of home wash over you.

"How are you?" Ginny's voice betrayed her concern and Harry felt sick with guilt for a moment.

"I'm better," it was true. Talking with Nev, as much as he hadn't wanted to at first, had really helped him feel like maybe, maybe Teddy and Ginny would understand. Maybe they'd be willing to see him as worth their time, their effort, their love.

"I'm so glad," Ginny sounded relieved.

"Are you busy tomorrow?"

"No, but I'm not busy today either."

Harry was tempted, tempted to put off this awful mess of feelings in exchange for the blissful oblivion that he felt with Ginny. But she deserved someone who could be as whole as possible, someone who didn't have nearly two decades of grief to handle.

"I need to have Teddy help me with something today, but I'm all yours tomorrow."

Ginny sighed, "Fine, I guess I can wait till tomorrow."

Harry chuckled, "You're going to give me a big head."

"Not a chance," Ginny shot back, "you're running under the assumption I want to see you because I love you. In reality, you're just an assuage to my tedious existence."

Harry laughed, and it felt so good to laugh.

"Man, Gin, not pulling any punches today, are you?"

"I never do, love."

The seriousness in her voice left Harry without the ability to breathe for several seconds, but the iron in it kept the hope in him alive. Maybe she wouldn't dump him after all of this. Maybe she meant it when she said she loved him, no matter what.

_______________________________________

There were a million memories that flooded Harry as he drove through the old neighborhood. There was Oliver's place, where he'd host pick up football games every day after school. He'd always told Harry to try and go pro. Oliver had done just that. He passed Mrs. Figg's home, she always had cookies for him. He wondered if she was still around or not; if he knocked on her door if she'd be the one to answer?

There were kids running around, the weather just tolerable enough to play outdoors. Teddy used to live for days like today this time of year, and as the sadness hit him from that thought, Harry let it. He let the feeling fill him, instead of crushing it as he'd always done. He allowed himself to grieve that he had raised his godson, rather than blame himself or shut himself down as a bad godfather for being the reason he didn't have parents. At first, the feeling was so heavy Harry thought it's weight would crush him, and he pulled off to the side of the road to allow the tears to fall. But slowly, the weight ebbed and Harry pulled in what felt like his first real breath. He felt lighter somehow. It still hurt, but it wasn't incapacitating as it always had been before.

Maybe Nev knew what he was talking about after all.

Harry managed to meet Kelsey on time, but getting out of the car felt like climbing the last ten yards of Everest. Somehow, he managed.

"Ginny really loved this one, I could tell." Kelsey grinned as she unlocked the door.

Harry only nodded and smiled. It felt so weird to be let into\ what was once his home. But once he stepped inside, he saw it was no longer what he grew up with, it was better.

It looked like his mum had left drawings of everything she'd ever wanted done to the home and someone had found them. What Harry thought would be a trip down memory lane, felt more like stepping inside his mum's dream.

"Do you mind if I just look around?" Harry asked, trying to figure out how to politely ask Kelsey to leave him be.

"Of course," Kelsey smiled, seeming to pick up on the hint. "I'm sure Ginny told you all about the amazing things the current owners have done. If you have any questions I'll just be right here."

Harry climbed the steps to his old room. The room looked nothing like it had when he had lived there. The walls now a crisp off-white rather than the beige they'd been as he grew up, and no longer covered in posters of bands and footballers.

It wasn't his room anymore, and that felt both sad and relieving. It was sad to feel like this part of his life could never be brought back, but it was more so a weight off his shoulders. It was almost consoling, that this room was no longer his, that it looked nothing like when he lived here on his own until Andromeda had been diagnosed with cancer and Harry had moved in with her to help take care of Teddy. It felt good to know it wasn't going to feel like he was right back in the thick of those awful months by being here.

The memories flooded Harry as he walked from his room to his parents' old room. Nothing was the same. The room used to be rather large with a small bathroom. The current owners had taken part of the bedroom to widen the en suite into something much more luxurious. The guest rooms that used to house his dad's study and his mum's office were set up as bedrooms now, and being in them lacked the sharp pain of memories Harry was sure he would feel. They felt normal, as though maybe one day children would grow up in them.

Maybe his own children?

The thought felt strange and surreal, but also... hopeful...like maybe one day he'd be a father and a godfather.

The back garden was where the emotions caught up with him, mostly because it was untouched. The tree house his dad and Sirius built him sat in the tree as though twenty-five years hadn't passed. The lawn still seemed to stretch for miles in front of him, though it was only maybe a quarter of a football pitch if that. He was lost in those memories when he realized his feet were moving, and his hands had started climbing the rungs of the tree house ladder.

It wasn't difficult to get in, his dad had told his mum they'd made the whole thing big enough for adults so that they could rescue the lads if anything happened. Harry knew it was because his dad and godfather used to use the tree house while he was at school.

The memory made Harry smile as he looked at the old carvings he'd made. Some were with his dad, others with Nev, one was from the last time Harry was in the small space. He'd brought Teddy up, the night everyone perished, and had carved Teddy's name into the tree.

"Now you're one of the lads, Teddy." Harry heard his voice echoing from the past. "We'll be great mates, I'll show you all the best things. And you can always come up here whenever you want to."

Harry shuddered as finally, the pain hit him full force. His chest constricted and Harry wondered if he might pass out; from the way his chest was caving in on itself, he almost expected to. It was excruciating, to feel so much at once, and more than once Harry wanted to lock it all back away, to forget it all again, but Nev promised this would help, and this path meant keeping Teddy and Gin, so Harry gritted his teeth and let the tears run.

Slowly Harry ran out of tears, and the crushing weight of sadness seemed to slip away. He felt lighter again, the pain still there but not so sharp.

Maybe it was working.

Harry tried to clean his face off as best he could before returning to Kelsey.

"I'd like you to start the paperwork on this home."

Kelsey almost squealed, Harry was sure it took a great deal of effort on her part not to.

"Absolutely! I'll get everything drawn up and send it over to you tonight."

Harry grinned, it felt right to buy the house back, to start the road his parents had hoped for him their whole lives.

"Thanks, Kelsey," Harry shook her hand, "Keep me posted."

Harry climbed into his car, hoping Teddy would be willing to help him through this next bit.

_______________________________________

"What are all these?" Teddy looked at the boxes strewn across the floor in the sitting room.

Harry looked up from his laptop and sighed, "This is what I should have done a long time ago."

Teddy stepped closer to one of the boxes.

"These are James' and Lily's things." Teddy looked up with wide eyes.

"And those are Sirius and Marlene's," Harry nodded to the smaller cluster of boxes.

"Why are they down here?" Teddy's hand rested on the box closest to him, his fingers drumming nervously on its lid. Harry wondered if Nev was right that this would be good for him, it certainly didn't look that way right now.

"Have a seat, Teddy," Harry closed his laptop and set it aside.

Teddy eyed the boxes once more before settling in next to Harry on the sofa.

"I guess first, I owe you an apology." Harry ran a hand into his hair.

"If you apologize for not being my parents, I'm going to leave."

"No, I owe you an apology for not grieving." Harry heaved a sigh and ran his hand over his face.

"Wait, what?"

"I never took the time to grieve. I've spent this whole time trying to press every emotion that came from the accident down. And I've," Harry gripped his knees, "I've blamed myself for their death."

"Harry," but Harry cut off Teddy's interruption.

"I'm getting there, but let me explain. Our family went out that night because I offered to look after you. If I," Harry paused to swallow the lump in his throat. "I felt that if I hadn't offered to watch you, they'd all still be here. Then when your grandparents passed away too, I shut down all my grief. The only thing I ever let myself focus on was you. I told myself that my suffering was some sort of penance for my killing our family. So I threw myself into being your parent and keeping you safe." Harry felt the tears pressing on the backs of his eyes and sniffed at the wetness in his nose before going on.

"But yesterday I visited an old friend who happens to be a psychologist and he talked through it all with me. His process has made me feel like I'm back to the day we buried everyone, but I think it's helping too." Harry finally looked up at Teddy, his head felt heavy as he did so. "He suggested you be a part of this grieving step."

Harry pulled the box closest to him over in front of them. "I would like to go through all of these things with you and tell you about them, what they are, who they belonged to, and their significance to our family. When we're done, I'd be happy to go through your parents' boxes and do the same. I don't know much about your grandparents, but I'll go through it all with you as well."

Teddy was silent as he looked back at Harry. His face showed nothing, something Harry was sure Teddy had picked up from him, a bad result of how he'd handled everything for so many years.

"Teddy?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Teddy snapped, his facade finally breaking with a furrowed brow.

Harry flinched. He should have known better.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have offered, I should have just done this in my room. I'll get all of these out of your way." Harry pushed up to stand when Teddy pulled him back down.

"No," Teddy rounded on him, "you're going through every fucking box here with me so I can make sure you do it! How in the hell could you spend so much time trying to make sure I handled my parents being dead well and completely miss that you were fucking yourself up?!"

Harry stared at his godson, mouth agape as Teddy's words sunk in. Teddy was right. He had read several books about how to help a child who had lost their parents grow up into a well-adjusted adult. They were sitting on one of the lower shelves in his office. But not once did Harry look internally and apply the lessons to himself.

"I don't know Teddy," Harry hung his head in his hands as he leant over his knees. "I don't have answers, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to fix it now. I'm trying to make it so I deserve you."

"And Ginny," Teddy added, the bite in his voice softening.

Harry chuckled, "I'll never deserve her, but I'm going to try and show her I'll do my best for her."

"Good," Teddy's teasing smile found its way onto his face, "because if you were thinking of doing something stupid I'd punch you in the mouth."

Harry shook his head but laughed in spite of himself.

Teddy put a hand on Harry's shoulder and gestured to the boxes, "Let's get started, we've got a lot to go through."

This was by far harder than being in his childhood home had been. The house had been so different that it had put a buffer up against the memories. But these boxes, they had no buffer. He didn't even remember what had gone in them, just Andromeda helping him fill them. Andromeda made most of the decisions of what stayed and went. She had been amazing. She helped Harry with his parents' home and the Black's home while also arranging everything for Ted's funeral. It had been such a blur, Harry merely remembered putting everything Andromeda handed him into the boxes, closing them, and hoping to never look at them again.

Harry managed to stay his tears until Teddy pulled out the book of fairy tales that his mum had read him every night as a small child. The tears came hard and fast after that, and they continued with each item pulled from the boxes. Some things were easier to look at, he was able to even laugh at some of the photos that were there. Other things pulled the breath out of him, like his parents' wedding rings, especially when he realized that Marlene and Sirius' rings were in one of their boxes. And some things brought the heavy sobs back, like his mum's paintings from when she decided she wanted to learn how to paint, specifically her portrait of him shortly after he started A-levels.

It went on like that for hours. At one point, Teddy ordered pizza. Later he pulled out ice cream. But as they kept going, the moments of laughter and fun stories started to outweigh the moments of heavy sobbing. And when they packed up the last box of his parents' things at nearly three in the morning, Harry wanted to pull it all back out and start hanging it all up on the walls and laying it out on the kitchen table.

"I'll go through Sirius and Marlene's things with you in the morning." Teddy yawned and stretched his arms over his head.

"Don't you have class tomorrow?" Harry rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses into his hair.

"It's just review for our exam and I'll be fine. This is more important. Besides," he chuckled, "I want to get to the stories about my parents."

"Then let's get to bed," Harry yawned, "because I have some work to do as well tomorrow."

Teddy followed Harry up there stairs and paused outside his bedroom. "It gets easier, Harry. There are still days where I miss them so much it drops me, but those days aren't nearly as often as they used to be, and I know it'll get there for you too."

Harry pulled Teddy into a hug and just held him. He had no idea what he'd been doing while raising his godson on his own. But obviously, he'd done something right for the kid to grow up to be so strong. And Harry felt security in knowing that he'd have Teddy in the rest of his life now. He was going to earn that. And maybe, if he could earn having Teddy in the rest of his life, Harry hoped he could earn it with Gin too.

_______________________________________

Harry and Teddy took another five hours to go through all of the Black's boxes the next day. Harry was tempted to stay on the keep the momentum and get started going through all of Remus and Tonks' things, but he also really wanted to see Ginny. And since he'd promised to see her that day, and he had been keeping Teddy from his fiancée, Harry decided to call a timeout. Teddy wholly agreed, and so Harry found himself heading to Ginny's shortly after she let him know she was leaving work.

His heart beat like gunfire as he drove and by the time he arrived at her door Harry was sure he was going to faint away from the speed of his palpitations.

But then there was Ginny.

She opened the door to him and threw herself into his arms, pressing her lips to his and clinging to his neck as though she might float away. Harry instantly returned her fervor, and as he did so he felt his heart slow down. He felt his breathing relax. And he felt his mind stop.

It was heaven.

And he stood in heaven for who knows how long, for all he knew it could have been the entire month of April, but Harry wasn't pulling away. He was going to lose himself in Ginny. He was going to drink her in and savor every sound she made, the way she tasted when he ran his tongue against her, her smell that filled his nostrils with what could only be described as flowery, and the feel of her body beneath his hands.

He never wanted to stop, but alas, cruel oxygen made them pull apart, and the need for air left them panting in the open doorway, clinging to each other.

"Want to come in?" Ginny chuckled and looked up at him.

"I'm rather enjoying this," Harry furrowed his brow and pretended to consider. Then he smirked.

"I know, let's go in and pick up where we left off out here, preferably someplace where I don't have to remain standing."

Ginny rolled her eyes but pulled him inside as she intertwined her fingers with his.

"Talking first, and eating," she pointed to the stew reheating in a pot on the stove, "then we can pick up where we left off."

Harry smirked, "Alright, but know I'm only doing this because we'll need our strength for later."

"You're such a boy," she laughed, and Harry let the sound wash over him like a cool Spring breeze.

"How did the meeting with your client go?"

Harry cringed at the question. Leave it to Ginny to cut right to the heart of matters. But the sooner he talked through it all with her the sooner he could start showing her he could improve and become someone she could be proud of, someone she'd want to keep around.

Preferably forever.

"It went really well. I, er, well the client is an old friend, lives up north now."

"Really?" Ginny's voice was suddenly calm and level like you'd use to keep from spooking a kitten.

Harry sighed, he wasn't a frightened cat, just a broken man.

"Yes, he and I grew up together. I, er, I haven't seen him since there funeral for my family."

Ginny held out a bowl to him with a gentle smile. "Was it nice to see him in person again?"

Harry took the bowl and filled it, walked to the table and waited for Ginny to join him before continuing.

"Yes," he stirred his stew, "it was nice, the drive was good, stayed the night in a hotel. Neville is a psychologist now. I, well I wanted to talk to someone."

"There's nothing wrong with needing to talk to somebody, love." Ginny covered his free hand with her own.

"Yes, I get that, in theory." Harry took a deep breath. "Well, we talked, and he pointed out that I haven't grieved at all for my family, that I've locked myself off to feeling anything but anger about it all, that I was wrongfully accusing myself of their deaths, and that I need to stop."

Ginny squeezed his hand and Harry looked up to find nothing but love looking back at him.

"Can I help?"

It was so Ginny it made his heartache. He didn't deserve her, her love, her devotion, her caring. But dammit he wanted to!

"Just be patient with me. Nev said there will be days where I'll feel the grief more than others. But if I keep allowing myself to feel the emotions and work through them then it'll slowly get easier to move forward with my life."

"I can do that," Ginny grinned before taking a bite of stew.

Harry felt relief seep into his bloodstream and calm the nerves that had built up in him about talking this out with Gin. She didn't tell him to take a hike. She didn't point out what a stupid idiot he was. She held his hand and asked if she could help him.

He was one lucky prat.

And he decided to capitalize on the feeling. He pushed his bowl to the side and moved Gin's as well before renewing their earlier efforts with greater passion than he had before with the door open.

"Are you alright?" Ginny sighed into his ear as he moved his lips to her neck.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Harry whispered against her before realizing that she wasn't matching his passion with her own.

"Well, with everything you said, and with it being just yesterday, I thought…" Ginny trailed off as Harry slid his hand under her shirt.

"Gin," Harry chuckled, "I'm grieving, not dead."

Ginny laughed and relaxed into him, and it felt like home. Her hands in his hair, her lips on his skin, her soft sighs as his hands caressed her perfect body. Harry's resolve strengthened in that moment; all the pain was going to be worth it if it meant he kept this amazing creature with him. He was going to make himself worthy of her love. And then he was going to ask her to never leave.

"Harry," Ginny's voice pulled his conscious back.

He hummed against her skin, eager to return to the oblivion that only existed in her.

"I love you."

Harry pulled back and felt his chest tighten with emotion.

"I love you too," and he kissed her because he needed to show her how much he really did.

#Patient #hinny #hinny au fic #hinny fanfiction #hinny au #harry x ginny #harry potter x ginny weasley #harry potter #ginny weasley #harry potter fanfiction #wedding coordinator au #wedding planner au #muggle AU #tedoire #teddy x vic #teddy x victoire #teddy lupiin #victoire weasley

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mittensmorgul · 5 years

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HECK there’s so much in 1.06 I still find fascinating. In its own way, there’s even the aspect of the “truth spell” to it, when the shapeshifter takes on Dean’s form and talks to Sam about Dean’s state of mind and thoughts, and the entire episode revolves around Sam’s “normal life” past through his college friend Becky.

Big themes: lying and telling the truth (both to each other AND to the general public about what they do and the reality of monsters), identity (and the things they keep hidden from each other, which have focused on Sam in 1.05 but now get a spotlight on Dean’s internal headspace via the shapeshifter).

They show up lying, drawn into the case by Sam’s connection to her and the mysterious circumstances of her brother’s murder charge-- he was supposedly two places at once and had an alibi. Sam talks Dean into detouring to help her, and everything goes almost immediately sideways. Sam has history with Becky, which is effectively a history of lying about his entire life.

He almost immediately lies to Becky that Dean’s a police officer, forcing Dean to go with it to gain access to the crime scene, because Sam doesn’t want to tell Becky what they actually suspect. He desperately wants to keep the “civilian” side of his life untainted by the supernatural. He wants to protect Becky from learning the truth. Ironically that ends up hurting them all in the end, and they still can’t protect her from either the monster or from learning the truth-- Sam’s family hunts monsters, and the monsters are real. This little bit of unrealistic sanctuary Sam had found with his friends at Stanford has been corrupted yet again. It’s an ongoing case of “this is why we can’t have nice things.” He can’t even think back on that life he lived under false pretenses with the same “purity” anymore, you know? Can’t unring that bell now.

Yeah, Jess dying the way she did (and that guilt is STILL weighing upon him unvoiced to Dean yet) kinda wrecked the possibility of going back to that life for him, but the truth of it, the truth of the rest of his life and the monsters had still been contained. The rest of his friends were still “unpoisoned” by this knowledge and would still welcome him as the friend they’d known for four years at college. The fact Sam kept in touch with all of them via email had served as a sort of lifeline for him, an anchor to the “normal life” he’d tried to build for himself where he could pretend the monsters weren’t real.

And then he’s confronted by a literal monster wearing Dean’s face. Everything the shapeshifter taunts him with here is a fascinating early case study in Dean. Wearing a literal false face, it reveals an awful lot about Dean-- from the fact he was jealous of Sam for getting out and going to college while he was stuck in the hunting life to what he personally gave up to make sure Sam even had that chance in the first place. This is also the source of the “everyone eventually leaves me” agonizing facet of Dean’s personality:

Shapeshifter Dean: I am your brother. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. Sam: What are you talkin’ about? Shapeshifter Dean: You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin’, just poof. Left me with your sorry ass. But, still, this life? It’s not without its perks. I meet the nicest people. Like little Becky. You know, Dean would bang her if he had the chance. Let’s see what happens.

There’s a reason this shows up in so many fanfics, you know? It explains his cavalier attitude about relationships, flirting-- all of it. He puts on the mask, no chick flick moments, and he can be the guy who always leaves at the end of the night or the end of the case (which we learn in another 7 episodes has additional painful rationale after we learn about how Cassie broke things off with him... what IS it with this show and episodes that invoke “college” as a symbol of freedom and normalcy? I say while 1.07 runs in the background, set at a college...). But Dean has accepted that his life is what it is. For one reason or another-- be it the nomadic lifestyle of hunting going from case to case, or just having to hide the truth of his entire life from a disbelieving public-- he’s isolated and in self-defense he wears this mask of the happy-go-lucky ladies’ man and macho BAMF. He’s accepted that normal life can never be his life, and this is the way he deals with it without getting hurt.

Ironically, it’s the very fact that Sam had been trying to keep these two sides of his life separate, untouched by one another, that “got Dean killed” here... Secrecy may have been the expected reaction for him and Dean in their investigations, but Becky reacted like a “normal person” and disclosed everything to her lawyers.

REBECCA: I told the lawyers that we went to the crime scene. (SAM scoffs.) SAM: Why would you do that? REBECCA: Well, I told them that we were with a police officer. And they checked it out, and they told me that there is no Detective Dean Winchester. SAM: Bec— REBECCA: No, I don’t understand why you would lie to me about something like that. SAM: We’re tryin’ to help. REBECCA: Oh, trying to help? Do you realize that that was a sealed crime scene? This could have just ruined Zack’s case. SAM: Bec, I’m sorry, but— REBECCA: No, goodbye, Sam.

This leaves Becky unprepared when the shapeshifter shows up at her house looking like Dean... and uses that to gain her trust while also telling her about the monster, about what Sam had actually been investigating. And it also leaves Sam entirely unprepared for what he finds when he actually goes himself to Becky’s house to attempt to explain the truth to her. She’s already been replaced by the shapeshifter, and the moment he DOES explain the truth of the monster, she clocks him. And then Dean is forced to kill the shifter while it looks just like him... talk about an unsettling experience, but also a really freaky mirror situation, killing a mutant version of oneself. D:

But this is also Sam effectively severing his connections to the last hope of being able to go back to his life at Stanford as if nothing happened. He’s burned a bridge. And while Becky does her best to understand, for Sam, a large part of the idealization of that life as somehow “normal” has been forever shattered. He can’t pretend to be just another guy anymore.

REBECCA: So, this is what you do? You and your brother—you hunt down these kinds of things? SAM: Yeah, pretty much. REBECCA: I can’t believe it. I mean, I saw it with my own eyes. And, I mean, does everybody at school—nobody knows that you do this? SAM: No. REBECCA: Did Jessica know? (SAM looks thoughtful.) SAM: No, she didn’t. REBECCA: Must be lonely. SAM: Oh, no. No, it’s not so bad. Anyway, what can I do? It’s my family.

Must be lonely... and that’s it right there. That’s what Dean/Shapeshifter Dean had said as well. But Sam doesn’t really get it yet. He spent years with his friends at Stanford and none of them ever knew this HUGE aspect of his entire life before. Not even the woman he lived with and considered marrying and spending the rest of his life with. Sure sounds lonely to me, having to cut out so much of himself to pretend like that... and this is one of Sam’s ongoing major themes for a very long time to come-- through his soullness and shattering of self after his wall is broken, to the promise he extracts from Dean to go live that apple pie life after 5.22, to running away with Amelia and abandoning hunting yet again while never actually talking about the truth of any of it. At least Dean had Lisa, who was at least aware of the hunting and the monsters (though that didn’t help her much in the end... it did make for a situation where Dean could actually recover from his trauma without having to lie or hide huge portions of the truth from her, which is something Sam never even allowed himself to consider until the whole “something, with someone in the life” speech in 11.04).

And these themes continue over the next two episodes. Sam’s impression of going to college as his shot at freedom and normalcy, a chance to choose his own future for himself, while that illusion slowly shatters.

His conversations with Lori about how going to college got her out of her father’s home, gave her a chance to try new things in her own life, while literally carrying the baggage of her father’s beliefs of morality around her neck, “punishing” her every time she tries to step out from under his rules. The fact her father has defied the moral code he’d always taught to her-- having an affair with a married woman-- crushes her own faith in herself and her long-standing beliefs. It’s only by uncovering and destroying the symbol of that baggage that she’s able to free herself from it.

Makes it kind of ironic when in 1.08, Sam’s the one who earns the “not a liar” tag:

DEAN We're students from the university. JOE No, you're not. You're lying. DEAN seems taken aback. DEAN Well, truth is JOE You know who starts sentence with "truth is"? Liars. DEAN exchanges a look with SAM. SAM Have you heard of Oasis Plains? It's a housing development near the Atoka Valley. JOE (to Dean) I like him. He's not a liar. (DEAN looks angry.) I know the area.

Back to 1.07 for a moment, because Dean finally gets the chance to pretend, to live a bit of the college experience vicariously, and in true Dean chameleon style, he fits himself right in, makes himself at home in the frat house, even while Sam remains uncomfortably on the fringes and only really engages when Dean leaves him no other choice-- leaving it to him to paint the purple guy while they talk, dragging him to the party while Sam confesses that he didn’t really enjoy parties while he was at Stanford (which we saw in the pilot episode how even while he was there pretending to be normal, he still didn’t really let himself have that full experience and tried to keep the wall up at the halloween party). But for Dean, this is just one more experience to throw himself into with a casual lie about who he is and why he’s there, knowing full well that they’ll move on to another case, another town, another persona for him to adopt for the next case. Sam just... has trouble packing away parts of himself like this and truly letting himself be the chameleon Dean’s mastered. Not that this is healthy for Dean, either, but it’s how he’s learned to cope with his entire life.

And this “college as freedom” theme strikes again in 1.08, from several angles, telling Matt that things will get better between him and his father, and explaining to Dean as they talk about how different their experiences with their father were-- Sam feeling like the “freak” of the family for wanting to get out and live a normal life, despite possibly being the one person in their family who was already incapable of it (because hey, demon blood! psychic powers! even if we don’t know this yet, it’s painfully ironic when we’re eventually given that context).

SAM Matt, just listen. You have to get your family out of that house right now, okay? MATT What, why? SAM Because something's coming. MATT More bugs? SAM Yeah, a lot more. MATT My dad doesn't listen in the best of circumstances, what am I supposed to tell him? SAM You've gotta make him listen, okay? DEAN Give me the phone, give me the phone. (He grabs the phone from SAM.) Matt, under no circumstances are you to tell the truth, they'll just think you're nuts. MATT But he's my DEAN Tell him you have a sharp pain in your right side and you've gotta go to the hospital, okay? MATT Yeah. Yeah, okay. He hangs up, and so does DEAN. DEAN Make him listen? What are you thinkin'?

Matt, of course, tries to tell his father the truth, and it nearly gets everyone killed, because of course his father doesn’t believe him. After the night they have, his father will be convinced and their lives will all be changed forever. There’s no going back once they know the truth.

And all of this still through the lens connecting them to the still murky mytharc, finding their father and learning the truth, uncovering and unraveling the mystery that drew them into this life in the first place. And this is still just level one of that grand tangle of cosmic deceptions that will lead them through the next 14 years to the end of their ultimate quest for the truth, and the unraveling of their fate so their final battle can be for their own freedom and free will from this eternal cosmic game. :’)

#spn 1.06 #spn 1.07 #spn 1.08 #spn 14.20 #s14 hellatus rewatch #spiders georg of the tnt loop #lies and damn lies #practicalities of monster hunting #it's spirals all the way down #there's so much more i wanted to say about all of these episodes too >.>#performing dean

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schraubd · 6 years

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What Eight Great Teachers Taught Me About Teaching

Last night, I was reflecting on how lucky I was to have had so many great teachers in my life. From pre-K to post-12, I've been blessed to have had an overwhelmingly positive educational experience. My time as an official student isn't quite over yet, but it is winding down, and soon I will be a full-fledged member of the teacher's side of the podium. So I thought I'd share some of what I've learned about teaching from my very best teachers. * * * Ms. Curry: Elementary school is a pretty fuzzy memory at this stage, but I remember adoring my First Grade teacher Ms. Curry. She saw the very earliest flickerings of my political self when I did a report on Jackie Robinson, and mostly managed to keep a straight face when I sternly informed the class that "nobody should be aggravated on a bus!" From Ms. Curry, I learned that both teaching and learning can be joyous, and that joy can be both very deliberate and very unintentional. Ms. Skelton: By any objective measure, I was a good and well-behaved student in high school. Always got good grades, never once got a detention, never got called into the principal's office. Subjectively, and on reflection ... I was probably a handful to deal with for a lot of teachers. I had a contrarian streak a mile wide, and I had opinions about pedagogy -- to wit, if I didn't understand why something was useful to learn, I didn't want to learn it. And no class was the subject of this wrath more than English. I believed then -- and to some extent believe now, though slightly less dogmatically -- that the only purpose of writing was to clearly communicate and persuasively justify ideas. Faced with English classes where we read a ton of literature that, to me, seemed like exercises in willful obtuseness justified because it uses "metaphor" or "connotative language", and I was effectively in open rebellion. In my first essay for Ms. Skelton in 11th grade, I wrote an extended diatribe about why most of the focus of the class -- "analyzing" the use of language rather than evaluating the content of the work -- was useless and pointless. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but with the benefit of hindsight I'm absolutely sure it was self-righteous and obnoxious (really, how could it not be?). I'd written essays like this before -- and since I was a good writer, in spite of it all, I usually got a good grade with perfunctory comments. But Ms. Skelton did something none of my other teachers had ever done before: She responded. She wrote extended comments on the paper, taking my position seriously and making her case for why I should, indeed, care about this material. She didn't persuade me. But she did earn my undying loyalty that day. From Ms. Sketlon, I learned that if you take your students seriously, and treat their contributions as worthy of respect, they'll be willing to explore nearly any horizon you place in front of them. Kim Smith: There were three types of political science classes I took at Carleton. There were required courses. There were courses I took with visiting faculty. And there were courses I took with Kim Smith. This wasn't exactly intentional -- it's just that Kim Smith happened to teach pretty much every interesting class I wanted to take in the entire department. Constitutional Law and African-American Political Thought! Impossible combination to beat! I took four classes from her -- tied for the most of any Carleton professor. I did well in her classes, but Kim was notoriously unsparing in her comments on essays submitted to her class. I have distinct memories of entire paragraphs circle or crossed out with "oh please" or "that's lame" written next to it. Some people were terrified of her, but I thought it was fabulous. And there's no doubt she made my writing better. And of all my college professors, she's the one with whom I have the closest friendship with to this day. Kim once told me her teaching philosophy was "it's better to be feared than loved". That doesn't give her enough credit though; I would say that from her I learned instead that if you play your cards right, you don't actually need to choose. Louis Newman: Louis Newman was one of the very first people I met at Carleton. Somehow, my dad found out about him -- in retrospect, that he found the head of Judaic Studies at Carleton is probably not coincidental -- and we were introduced before I even attended my first class. He actually persuaded me to drop my freshman seminar and instead enroll in his upper level Jewish Ethics class. Again, that actually might not have been the best advice in the abstract, but in my case it worked out great. He's the other professor I took four classes from; if Carleton had a Judaic Studies concentration, I would have done it. Louis was distinctive in the degree to which he cared about his students as human beings, not just as students. He was a warm and paternal, but never paternalistic figure. From him I learned that the best teachers care about the whole student, not just their submitted work. Melvin Rogers: Melvin is my great "I knew him when" story -- I knew Melvin Rogers when he was a post-doc at Carleton, just starting out his career. Even then, everyone knew he was brilliant, and everyone knew he was going to be something special. Carleton basically hacked together a position just to offer it to him, and his job talk was something else. Most job talks have one, maybe two students in attendance, quietly listening in the back corner. Melvin's job talk was given to a packed room, with several of us literally holding a "We Love You Melvin Rogers!" banner against the back wall. It didn't work, he ended up going to UVA, and given how his career subsequently took off I can't say he made a mistake. But certainly we pulled out all the stops, and were right to do so. Again, everyone knew he was a brilliant scholar. But he was also a brilliant teacher. Those two qualities aren't always associated together -- but I think that's a mistake in our profession, and one we should work harder to rectify. From Melvin Rogers I learned that brilliance in scholarship is wholly compatible with brilliance in teaching, and nobody should tell you that greatest in the one is an excuse to neglect the other. Martha Nussbaum: Martha Nussbaum is a very famous, very important person. I am not a particularly famous, particularly important person. And while I was technically one of her "students", in practice I took two of her law school courses that each had at least 30 students enrolled. She had no ongoing obligations towards me, and certainly had and has enough on her plate not to bother with me. She would have been well within her rights never to have once thought of me after handing in my final grades. And yet. Martha Nussbaum has written me letters of recommendation -- repeatedly, for several different types of positions. She's read drafts when I've sent them to her, she's met with me when I've returned to Chicago. She's even shot the breeze with me over email regarding our shared interest in Project Runway (she's worn Season 7 winner Seth Aaron Henderson). I was and am little, and she was and is big, and yet somehow she's made time to be a mentor for me -- for no other reason than that I took a couple of her classes and did well in them. Martha Nussbaum is another example of someone whose brilliant scholarship pairs with brilliant teaching. But from her, I also learned that even the most successful, amazing, prominent figures still can find time to care about and mentor their students -- and if she can do it, we all can. David Strauss: I once joked that there was a period where every idea I had for a law review article had already been written by David Strauss between 1985 and 1997. It was disappointing, in a way, but it was also a sign that I had good ideas, at the very least -- just a generation too late. He provided a model for me regarding what good scholarship was and what good teaching was. There's probably nobody on earth of whom I'm more clearly a "disciple" of than David Strauss. And on top of that -- he was a great teacher, in a completely different way from Kim or Martha or Melvin. The fact is, I'm probably not and will never be as scary as Kim Smith. I'm much too goofy for that. But then again, so was David, and he commanded classroom attention just fine. From David Strauss, I learned that the best way to be the best teacher and scholar I could be, was to be me. Sarah Song: And now we get to my current adviser, Sarah Song. When I was applying to law schools, I was admitted to Berkeley's Jurisprudence and Social Policy program, and had I enrolled Sarah would have been my Ph.D. adviser in that program. Six years, five cities, four jobs, and one degree later, and I end up in a Ph.D. program with Sarah Song as my adviser. For a Chicago grad, I'm not always efficient. There is an academic adage I didn't learn from Sarah, but which very much applies to her: "Everyone in academia is smart. Distinguish yourself by being kind." Sarah Song is very smart, and very talented, and very everything one would want a great professor to be. But she is distinguished by being, without question, one of the most singularly kind people on the planet. From her I learned just how important that kindness is as part of being a great professor, mentor, and scholar. And I'm grateful to have it and her in my life every day. via The Debate Link http://bit.ly/2R9SRj7

#education #Personal

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candimcart · 6 years

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Hello, Hello! So, it’s been a bit since I took the time to blog. Kassie keeps me pretty busy from day to day, especially with Mike working two jobs. But guess what, after a year and 8 months of hustling Mike is finally able to be home with us in the evenings! For awhile he was working seven days and over 70 hours a week with almost zero complaints. He came home from one job, rushed off the second, came home well past his bed time and still made sure to squeeze in time with his little girl. He is seriously, above and beyond an amazing father. But, now the rushing in and out comes to an end. We received our final adoption invoice last month and were able to pay it off the next day! I felt that since so many people were involved with our adoption journey it was best to share our total cost and how we got to that number. I will try to be brief in the only way I know, which is to not to. (Tow Mater? Cars? Anyone?)

Here it is: WAIT! Let me back up!

WE FINALIZED OUR ADOPTION!!!!!!

I was sitting in a movie theater beside my cousin, David watching A Quiet Place when I got the email. I am generally not one of those jerks who checks their phone during a movie but, I knew that on this day a judge would be deciding our fate with Kassie’s biological father. I should have been enjoying the two hour mommy break and cringing at the monsters that hunt noise but instead, I was spaced out focused on my thigh where my phone was sitting silently. When I felt the buzz I grabbed my phone and with the screen light turned all the way down read the words ” Biological Father has had rights revoked today. We can finalize!” Of all the movies I chose to loudly sob in, why did it have to be one that’s main theme is silence? I remember my cousin leaning over to ask if I was okay and I just whispered “She’s ours” and for the rest of the movie I just keep saying to myself “She’s ours” in disbelief.

Finally Forever Family May 18th, 2018!

If you don’t know me personally you may not understand that I am a crier. I’m a sentimental and angry crier. I don’t cry over sadness like I do over happiness (and at times, madness.) Well, this was the happiest day of my life. The judge said “Are you ready? Raise your right hands.” and I lost it. Shortly after, Mike did too. I love him so much for not being afraid to cry in public.

We found the perfect little shelter at the perfect little park but it only came with a 40 person limit. I cried about that. Narrowing it down from the few hundred people who joined us on our journey was not fun for us at all. But, we did our best and hopefully no one was hurt along the way.

The turnout was wonderful as well as the cake and cupcakes by Aunt Brandy. Bampaw and Bammaw surprised us with a big star cut out of a sheet for all of our friends and family to encircle for a photo shot on my Dad’s new drone. It was a wonderful way to celebrate such a long awaited end to our journey and allow for our brand new journey to begin.

Okay, here it is! Drumroll please…

$8,280.22!!!!

What? How is that even possible? Every website. Every agency. Every person. They all said $25,000-$55,000 in our state so how did we get away with $8,280.22 for our entire adoption? Well, there are several reasons that led to this for us and they are NOT as uncommon as you (I’m talking to you waiting adoptive parents) are told.

1: The stars aligned. (They can for you too, waiting parents!)

2: Bio Mom refused counseling. She was very confident and happy with her decision.

3: Bio Mom refused an attorney.

4: Bio Mom had her own insurance.

5: Bio Mom did not request any financial assistance other than $50 in gas to drive from her home to our city for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights).

6: Our Attorney was AMAZING! He is a well known Adoption Attorney in OK and he is well recognized nationally as well. He and his wife run their adoption agency which began after they adopted their daughters in the 80’s. They are hugely responsible with changing laws and adoption practices in Oklahoma. He will absolutely not take a dime from his clients until shortly before baby is due, or in our case the day baby is born. We handed him $3500. He and his wife Linda met us at the hospital with all of the paperwork ready to be signed. They seriously made this process so easy which would have been a hundred times easier had I not tried to control everything. The day they came to the hospital our attorney had to get right in my view and say “You are Mommy now. That is the number one job for you. We will be the attorneys. You just go home and be a regular Mommy now. Trust us.” I didn’t feel like I was being a control freak but if nothing else he probably saw my nerves rattled to the bone. He knew just what to say, I took his advice and I found my peace in that moment. I find it very important that every choice you make when on this journey feels like “home”. You will know that feeling when it hits you. If you make a decision and it doesn’t have that comfortable, “I’m home” feeling, change it! This is how we chose our adoption attorney and our home study worker. With that being said and out of the way, if you are looking for an adoption attorney start here: Swain Law, Adoption Attorney!

7: This may make me unpopular (not that I care) and this is coming from my personal experience combined with the experience of other adoptive parents I have gotten to know… Agencies, some…most…all (?) may have the best intentions but they don’t make money off of expectant mothers who choose to parent their child. Adoption Agencies are businesses and just like every other business they need to have income to survive. They also rule the marketing world for adoption. Google “How do I adopt?” and you you will be swarmed with agencies and guidelines that all tell you going through a private adoption like ours will end in heartbreak more often than not. Well, let me tell you. I was in the biggest adoption group on Facebook and guess what I learned… “Adoption Disruptions” are not any more common with private/attorney adoption versus agency adoption. I have seen couples shell out $3,000 and up (way up) to get he ball rolling on adoptions via agencies and the expectant mother decides to parent. I have seen babies go to adoptive homes and the biological mother decide to parent. Guess what happens? Adoptive parents are forced to return what has already been their baby and they, in most cases are out the money spent. I have seen adoptive parents lose their entire savings and end up childless and broke leaving them with only one choice: find away to be satisfied never being parents. I saw it more times than I ever thought I would. We are so lucky that we chose to have all avenues open for us. We chose to start the process with finding an expectant mother while fundraising and saving for an agency (before I know what I know now about agencies). Some couples refuse to even go the route we did for fear of disruption and STILL end up with the heartbreak of a disrupted adoption.

I made sure to listen and absorb every story I could, not only from adoptive couples and waiting couples but from adoptees and biological parents. When we began our journey I had no clue what the Adoption Pyramid was nor did I care. I just wanted to be a Mommy… NOW. My heart was getting bitter and nothing mattered more to me than being someone’s Mommy. I am so glad that I learned all about the pyramid through hours and hours of reading posts, listening to podcasts, reading blogs, watching videos, etc. Having that knowledge BEFORE Kassie was born has very much changed the path of our adoption. We didn’t just gain a daughter, we gained another family. Her biological family is our family now too. I hope they always choose to be in our lives. Okay, I trailed off as I do. I am fortunate to have used the resources available to me to learn all about the importance of the pyramid. I listened to so many adoptees and biological mothers tell their stories. So often, the biological mothers have gone through the agencies instead of privately finding a couple like Kassie’s bio family did. They go through the agencies because they feel safer, they feel like the couples are screened better, and there is less chance of anything going wrong. Unfortunately they (their words, not mine) are manipulated into placing their child when they are vulnerable and unprepared to make that huge decision. You know what…this may just be a blog for another time. I am sure I will be attacked for saying these things that I learned in the dark and speaking them into the light. So let me stop with full intention to bring this to light another time when I am better able to articulate what I mean.

So here is a final recap:

Adoption Method: Private Infant Domestic Adoption

Timeline:

June 6th, 2017: Began spreading our story and calling for Star Hunters to help get the word out.

July 27th, 2017: Contacted through our blog by Bio Grandmother.

October 2017 (week of Oct 25th) Paid $3500 to Swain Law.

October 25th, 2017: Kassie is born!

October 31st, 2017: Bio Mom signs TPR.

May 18th, 2018: Adoption is Finalized!

Total Amount Raised: Just under $4,000 if I recall(I can’t get into my office right now to grab the fundraiser papers so I will edit in the exact number when I can!

Total Amount Saved: just over $5,000!!!

Total Cost: $8,280.22!

So, there it is. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN for joining us on our journey in whatever way you did!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

-Mommy, Daddy, & Kassie Too

The Final Bill Hello, Hello! So, it's been a bit since I took the time to blog. Kassie keeps me pretty busy from day to day, especially with Mike working two jobs.

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sally-annesstories · 5 years

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Day 20 - Isla Holbox

First bout of sickness I can’t properly heal myself!

1. My sleep last night was pretty rough, I think I’d gotten to the point of overtiredness so just couldn’t plus on top of this my left ear was aching! I have a feeling I’ve picked up an ear infection as there’s nothing else I can think of. Unfortunately I don’t have any specific medication for an ear infection with me (despite my epic levels of meds). Being on Holbox my preference is not to go to a doctor because they’re unlikely to speak English but I’ll go if needed once back in Playa. On the downside this means I won’t be properly swimming the next couple of days. Holbox is where you go to see / swim with the whale sharks with bow (June) being one of the better months for it. Despite the fact an ear infection pulls me out it’s not all that bad as from speaking to people who have been on trips the past 3 days, no whale sharks have been spotted. One couple said one was spotted (and despite them researching tours for being kind to the animals / suddenly it had 20 boats chasing - not my jam!). The locals think there’s been a change in the currents which has sent the whale sharks further out. So while I can’t do the activity I’m fairly ok given that it’s unlikely I would have seen the whale sharks anyway!

2. At like 9am I got up to get food. Still really craving fruit and veges, a smoothie bowl was what I was after. Unfortunately the main local place for this appeared to be shut but I found somewhere nearby with one of the menu. It honestly took nearly 100 years to be served (ok, an hour). This was due to them running on Island/Mexican time + because of my lack of Spanish I was a tad more ignored than other guests. After my bowl arrived the number of patrons increased. A solo girl came in and took the last seat at a bench directly in the sun. She looked like she was trying to avoid it, kept moving her seat etc. felt like being a good person so asked if she spoke English (turns out she was English) and offered for her to sit at the other seat of my table which was in the shade and had the fan on it. She was very much appreciative and then we ended up chatting till 11.30am! The cafe was very very slow in providing bills as well. Given the strength of the sun it was quite nice to chill! She noticed the band on my hand and turns out we’re staying at the same place (Tribu). Another girl from the hostel arrived in this time also to eat before we all headed back in together.

3. I wanted to face today properly rather than hiding in the shade as I had yesterday. While the girls had laundry and admin to do. I went back to my dorm and got my backpack, a sarong towel, togs and slapped on sunblock/bug spray. After getting everything together I wandered 5 minutes into town and bought some Doritos and a cookie (healthy living everyone). I then walked approximately 2km to Punta Cocos, one of the most western points on the island. I tried to do most of the walk via the beach but there were a few areas this wasn’t possible and so I walked the road instead (adding time between beach and road a couple would’ve increased the KM). Once there not much to do, it’s just a beach! So I lay down my sarong towel for some napping and reading. After napping and reading for ages I noticed a guy who was taking photos had a top which said ‘sweet as bro’. Probably the most quintessential kiwi saying ever. I asked if he and his friend spoke English (yes but they were German) but turns out he’d travelled NZ with KiwiExperience and was wearing a top from this. The front of the top also said ‘handle the jandal’! A lot of Kiwi in one top. Given the amount I’ve chatted to random people in the past day, I’m starting to realise I am my fathers daughter!

4. From Punta Cocos I had wanted to head to Punta Citicote. This is the marsh areas at the bottom of the island. There’s a dirt road that takes you there. I think most people hire bikes but I was on my feet and they were the most practical way to get there for me at the time. I got about half way there from Punta coco but unfortunately had to stop. There was a puddle the size of a wee lake preventing me going further. While I could’ve braved going over, I’m aware that there are crocodiles and other animals in the marsh areas and given the water had risen they could come further in. Probably not worth the risk given I was off beaten track with no one knowing where I was (sorry mum/dad!). So instead I backtracked and then walked along the beach again (hopefully) building on my tan before arriving at Tribu. I’ve read online that when it rains on Holbox the streets all flood as it just doesn’t have the systems to cope. I chilled in the hammocks for a while and was eventually joined by the English girls I’d had breakfast with (Micky and Grace for future reference if they keep making appearances!). Micky had gone to the shops for a mango on her way and I ended up following suit and getting one not much later (delicious!) before wandering down to the beach from 6-8pm for sunset and to read.

5. Back at the hostel I realised the bus to Playa for Wednesday was sold out so cemented my plans to go to Valladoid for a night before onto Playa del Carmen (still allowing for a day at Akumal). Moving a bit faster than I’d like but I can chill in July once the next tour is over. Annoyingly the internet here isn’t very good but I managed to book a ticket/pay for it but unfortunately I don’t have a ticket - it never sent to my email or the app (despite paying). So in the morning I’ll do it on the hostels wired computer and pay whatever is needed for them to print the ticket. As I was chilling doing this a girl I had previously met came over. The first day I got here I said out loud how it would be cool to hire a bike and then at 6am bike to the other side of the island. Anyway she was there when I said it and is deadset on the plan. However with my ear how it is I just want to rest more. In case I’m in pain (as I am now) I don’t really want to commit to anything. While I was happily going to do it on my own I don’t know if she’s of the same vain (and subsequently I kinda feel bad for not going (I don’t even know her name!!) I do hope she gets up to do it herself. It’s only a 30 minute walk to if I’m up before 8am I’ll do it that way instead. Anyway after all this I ended up wandering to go get dinner on my own. They popped me at a big table where a couple was sitting. When my food came the couple was super interested in my food (I had a quesadilla and mollettes) so ended up chatting to them for the rest of my dinner - they were from Germany (same as couple from earlier today, said they loved NZ too). How lucky am I to call it home. Every time I go to a beach (they’re white snad but not so fluffy here) it reminds me how good we have it in NZ!

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limejuicer1862 · 5 years

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Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Sue Hardy Dawson

is a poet & illustrator. Her debut collection, ‘Where Zebras Go’, was shortlisted for the 2018 CLiPPA prize. Sue’s poems and teaching resources can be found on the CLPE website. Her second, ‘Apes to Zebras’ co-written with poetry ambassadors, Roger Stevens and Liz Brownlee won the North Somerset Teachers Book Awards. Sue has a First Class Honours Degree. Sue loves to visit schools and he has worked with the Prince of Wales Foundation, ‘Children and the Arts. As a dyslexic poet, she loves encouraging reluctant readers and writers. Her new solo collection, If I Were Other Than Myself is due out with Troika, February 2020. Look for her on Twitter @SueHardyDawson, Facebook, Poet Sue Hardy-Dawson https://www.facebook.com/poetsinschools clpe.org.uk/poetryline/poets/hardy-dawson-sue Book her with Authors Abroad https://www.authorsabroad.com/search-authors/sue-hardy-dawson

The Interview

1. What and who inspired you to write poetry?

When I was a small girl my father used to march around the bedroom reciting poetry. He grew up during the infancy of accessible radio and most people had, a party piece back then. He actually had a rather wonderful singing voice as well, but he had a way of sort of acting out the poems. He was a great fan of AA Milne and would do the Kings Breakfast and The Dormouse and the Doctor. He knew by heart great long stretches of Hiawatha and the rhythms and repetition, exquisitely crafted language I loved. He would do the Highway Man, The Green Eyed Yellow Idle, Night Mail and the now somewhat none PC Cargoes with its cargo of ivory. However I loved to listen to his voice and his enthusiasm was infectious. Of course I didn’t understand all of the words but I was mesmerised by them. I wrote a kind of tribute to Auden’s Night Mail, you can find it in Where Zebras Go.

Like myself my father was dyslexic, though I didn’t know until after I was diagnosed aged 16. He was an extremely well read man but deeply embarrassed by what he couldn’t do. I didn’t particularly enjoy school either, though like my dad an avid reader, I struggled to spell legibly and had terrible handwriting. Dyslexia was largely unheard of and little understood then. I enjoyed art though and had a vivid imagination. When I was about 8 faced with the dreaded task of writing holiday postcards I wrote a little poem. It seemed to please everyone and was something I seemed to be quite good at. When my Nana died many years later, she still had that poem in her bedside drawer.

But in the meanwhile I became disillusioned, fearful even of writing, the sheer effort of it and when I left school I didn’t write for many years. Then fate intervened I had children and I started writing poems and stories just for them. Next one of them was diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia and kicked off big style, they didn’t want to be stupid like me. Computers were in fact my saviours, when I first saw one it had to be filled with binary codes, not very dyslexia friendly, but suddenly I was helping a reception class and four-year-olds were using them. I learned and went on to do a degree and yes began to send poems out. I went to a library event and Nick Toczek put two of my poems into a Macmillan Collection, Toothpaste Trouble, 2002, my first step. It would be 14 years before I got my first collection accepted. Poetry lists for children died and came back again during that time and it was essentially an apprenticeship. Yet I don’t regret it, I think my poems grew as did my family. It was the right time for me.

2. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

When I was 14 in an English lesson I first discovered Ted Hughes, his poems were quite different to the ballad style poems my dad recited. I was struck particularly by ‘The Thought Fox’, it was as if he saw into my head. The best poetry, however simple or complex reaches out to a common experience and shows it in a different way. I think then was the first time I had actually thought about poets being people who wrote, that I might write poems. It changed my view of what a poem was and I felt I need to read as much of it as I could, to experience its constantly evolving form. From Hughes and those before him right back to 16 century and forward to the Mersey Sound, Kay, Duffy and too many to mention I absorbed them.

Many years later and two collections later, I found to my delight that I was in an anthology called A Poem For Every Night of the Year, with Ted Hughes’s Thought Fox, still one of the most exciting things I have ever achieved.

Here also I owe a great debt older wiser poets, children’s poets, well at least those I have had the pleasure of knowing, are wonderfully kind and generous people. I have had lots of support and encouragement. I met Roger Stevens some years back and through him, Liz Brownlee, Gerard and Cathy Benson, Rachel Rooney, Jan Dean, Michaela Morgan and many, many other wonderful poets. I feel so very lucky and at first was more than a bit star-struck, poets whom I had read for years, I felt like a child at a grownups’ party. But though we span the country the internet means we can stay in touch, because writing is essentially a lonely business.

3. What is your daily writing routine?

On a writing day I like the first few quiet hours, I will take those thoughts once formed out for a dog walk, do admin on my return. Then late at night when the house quietens again I will work on until I feel my brain is too sleepy. I find that things become clearer if you put them away for a few days. So I’m always on with multiple things. If I get a block I read through old notebooks until something comes. A deadline has a great capacity to focus the mind. Essentiality, though, a good idea can arrive at any time, so I have paper pens, phone, notebook, Dictaphone always. I have a bad memory so if I lose the first line it’s lost forever. But if I scribble that even on my hand the rest will return.

4. What motivates you to write?

Everything and anything, I need to write or I feel quite lost, even if it’s not working out as I’d hoped I need to try every day. Sometimes though the best days something flies into your head and you just feel it has wings, it might obsess you for days and that for me is the best feeling, the constant surprise of not knowing quite where you are going but that it is worth the search.

5. What is your work ethic?

I write something every day, even if I don’t think it’s good, because without words on the page you have nothing to craft to work on. Sometimes a line is just shorthand for where you are going so it’s a case of don’t think too hard about good or bad just write. I will spend days, weeks or even occasionally years crafting and changing bits, for me that is the joy, the shaping and smoothing.

6. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

I think immensely, first you must know what has been before so you don’t write it again, or at least provide a new way of looking at it. I think whatever you write you must read because there is no substitute for reading if you are a writer. I read once for pleasure and closer to see why it is wonderful or in some cases terrible. I unpick why and that informs my writing process. Not that I think about any of this when I’m actually writing. Writing is a bit like diving into a pool, you can control the way you leave the ground, but how you land and the bit in the middle is free falling.

7. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

I have very diverse tastes in writing, for poetry, apart from all of the above I love, Pie Corbett, Philip Gross, John Foster, Joseph Coelho, Roger McGough and not exclusively Billy Collins. Literature, David Almond, Andrea Levy, Lucy Waters I could go on for pages.

Why I like writing that transports me, I love poetic prose, essentially if I read something and aspire not to recreate it but to write as well then I love it with a passion.

9. Why do you write, as opposed to doing anything else?

Well, because I can’t stop, in a way. I do have other things that I do but nothing that fulfils me in quite the same way. I also paint and illustrate though so I have times when those things take over, but even so I have to stop every couple of days just to write something or it gnaws at me and I can’t concentrate.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

I would say that we are all writers, but write what is inside yourself. Read as much as you can and not just what you think you like, writing that is bad can tell you as much about process as good writing. Write something every day even when you feel like you don’t have anything to say. Read what you write to others, draft and redraft, keep going. Write for the pleasure it gives you and because you can’t help it. If it gives you no pleasure you probably should do something else. Being a writer is a tough life because inevitably you need a thick skin. I thought when I got my first book out how wonderful, then a second later what if no one likes it? It’s not easy but if you try and keep going it’s possible even for someone like me who finds manual writing difficult.

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

Well some things are still top secret, however, I have a new book due out February 2020 with Troika Books, ‘If I were Other Than Myself’, I have done all of the illustrations and I am very excited about it.

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Sue Hardy-Dawson Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

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ossyuche · 5 years

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My Boyfriend is Selfish. Why Won’t He Change for Me?

My boyfriend, age 59, and I, age, 50, have been together 6 years. We were each previously in long term marriages and have kids.

During the course of our relationship there have been enough rough spots, many, I believe, stemming from his undiagnosed ADD, and perhaps even mild Aspergers, to push for counseling. After years of defensive resistance, we now see a therapist who diagnosed him, he is cautiously trying out different meds (with little effect thus far), and is helping us work toward a better relationship. The issues are his distractibility, impulsiveness, forgetfulness and frequent inability to see things from any perspective other than what works for him. Quite often our disagreements spiral down the proverbial rabbit hole. Weird, nonsensical, insensitive and incredibly frustrating. He has a difficult time processing concepts where the circumstances change and nuance is involved. It is sometimes maddening. And yet, I do love him – very much.

But I’ve also realized that who he is because of how his brain is wired might remain a constant source of frustration and angst. Me wishing he would just “get it”, and he resenting being reminded when he doesn’t. When things are good and I have his attention, I can’t fathom leaving the relationship. And other times, when care and consideration just take flight because something more exciting has caught his attention, I wonder – what am I doing here.

We are both highly educated, financially secure – he more-so (and then some) than me on both counts, well-traveled (something we do very well because I get the companionship I desire and he gets the stimulus he craves), well cultured, well read, politically aligned and family oriented. He is appreciative of me always, generous and genuine with his compliments, tells me and shows he loves me (when I have his attention) and wants to please me. He’s endlessly energetic (also exhausting), effortlessly outgoing (to the point of attention seeking), always up for something new (though sometimes ill conceived), great with my kids (he’s the fun Dad type), affectionate (sometimes in over-drive), handy, helpful (so long as it interests him), and easy-going (unless it interferes with his pursuit of pleasure). You get the idea. Some days he is the best and most wonderful person to be with, other days, it’s like watching a micro-burst of frenetic busy-ness while I’m stuck swinging at the top of a broken Ferris wheel.

Within the first year of our relationship he cheated on me while on a solo trip halfway around the world. Seems he just couldn’t resist the temptation of a pretty young thing at a party at his hotel the night before he flew home to see me – the girlfriend he missed.

Somehow, I knew he strayed. I asked repeatedly, and repeatedly, he lied. The nagging feeling lingered for months. I realized I’d not seen since his return the journal I had given him before he left – in which I lovingly inscribed “write it all down – share it with me” – as it was his habit – to keep little notebooks and jot down memorable tidbits. Months later, there was still no sharing. No journal in sight.

I found the journal sealed and tucked out of sight. The one night stand was succinctly but plainly noted, just another tidbit, referencing her age-25, “blue blood” and “spent the night”. His first reaction was not to console me, apologize or even express remorse. I was crying in a corner and instead of even approaching me, he announced from across the room how he should not write things down anymore. Huh???

He found it difficult to empathize and said he’d understand if I left him. Though he did everything I asked of him, missing was an intuitive understanding of what he could do on his own to make me feel better.

Fast forward to present day. Out of the blue he announced two days ago that he IS taking a SOLO two month trip around the world in a few months, to explore, surf and kiteboard in an “Endless Summer” experience – just because he is turning 60! He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m not fully trusting, or his enthusiastic cheerleader in this hedonistic self-absorbed pleasure driven adventure. He also doesn’t seem to understand why announcing this to his ex wife – not seeing their 12 yr old for two months – is going to result in legal fees for failure to comply with the detailed parenting plan in their divorce decree. It is ALL about him. I told him NONE of it was ok with me. Not the way he presented it as a done deal without even thinking about my reaction, Not the 2 month duration. Not with the trust issues, Not with a sense of nauseating entitlement that pursuit of this sort of pleasure was more important than his obligations to our relationship, his child, his family, his businesses, etc.

I told him if he pursued it I would lose all respect for him and he would lose me. He got defensive and angry and cast me as a controlling, leash tugging gate keeper – just trying to spoil his good time, but that he was doing it anyway. The next day, I wrote a letter detailing all the issues. He heard me, understood my points, and agreed with much of what I said. I’ve never spent two solid months with him, ever, not in 6 years. I see him 2 nights a week and every other weekend. He’s been away at his summer home most of the summer, and only occasionally with me when I make the effort to go to him. Otherwise, if it’s his time to be on the family compound he doesn’t leave.

This type of thing happens all too often. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde. This one, like the cheating, is among the worst.

Do I stay? Do I jump ship?

If it were not for his ADD that I believe leads him to these impulsive, random, illogical, impossible, reckless and insensitive thoughts and actions, I would have left long ago. It does not excuse his behavior – he is a grown up after all, but I have seen up close the strange and darker forces that can dominate his uniquely wired brain when that bright shiny thing is in the cross hairs of his pleasure seeking.

Thoughts, advice?

You get hundreds of letters. I know this one is WAY too long, but the telling was somewhat cathartic for me. So thanks for reading. I love your spot-on assessments. Your wife is lucky to have a consistent thinking, feeling, empathetic life partner.

Kind regards,

Alison

“If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.”

I said that last night to the women in Love U in response to a similar question about a man who was not living up to expectations.

My client was wondering what to do with this guy – whether she should cut bait, how to get him to change – and I simply pointed out something crude I heard from my wife twelve ago.

What it means is that it may be only one change, but that one change fundamentally alters the essence of the object:

If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.

If Ted Bundy didn’t murder people, he’d be a really charming guy.

If your boyfriend were less selfish, he’d be an amazing catch.

But he’s not.

You know it. I know it. Anyone reading this email knows it.

a. He doesn’t want to change. He likes who he is.

b. He doesn’t have to change. You’ve stuck with him for six years despite this behavior. Why would he think that this time would be any different?

c. He can’t change. Whether it’s old dog/new tricks, ADD or, as I suspect, narcissistic personality disorder, it doesn’t matter. This is who he is. Take it or leave it.

Like our president, your boyfriend is an overgrown child who acts out but doesn’t pay any price for his selfishness.

Since there are no consequences to his behavior, he keeps acting out – whether it’s cheating, failing to find empathy, or taking off for two months without you.

You can make all the excuses in the world for him – what a great man he is – how charming, fun, and energetic – but that is just to ignore his big design flaw: he’s a shitty partner.

Thus, it doesn’t matter how much you like him when things are good.

How do you like being a second-class citizen within your own relationship?

If you don’t like it, get out.

If you stay, don’t expect things to change.

You’ve already taught him that he can get away with whatever he wants and you’re not going to do anything about it.

The post My Boyfriend is Selfish. Why Won’t He Change for Me? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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chessielamb0-blog · 5 years

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As If From Your Own Garden

Produced by Chessie Lamb

Directed by Johnnie Day

Preproduction

This was the first time I had ever taken on the role of producer for a film so it was a huge learning curve for me. The preproduction process was probably the most stressful part of the process which I believe is inevitable.

I found it hard to find the balance between getting answers from people and getting them to make things happen as opposed to just nagging them. With my initial editor, for example, time was running out and he wasn’t being direct with me or giving me any ‘real’ answers so I ended up having to chase him a lot which is never a good feeling. It turned out that he pulled out of the project three weeks before the submission date so I probably should have seen it coming given how undependable he was being.

I made timetables every week with all the things I needed to get done in that period of time, whether it be travel, catering, accommodation, equipment, crew members etc. This helped a lot with knowing what I had achieved thus getting some satisfaction from the tiresome process and also what else needed to be done and by which point.

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I found my actors by lucky coincidence which was great and I met up with my actors twice before the shoot, the first time was about 5 months before the shoot and the second time was about the month before the shoot. We were in contact via email the rest of the time but both of them were away during the run-up to the shoot, working on a TV series together in Norway. It was very helpful that they knew one another as that chemistry was immediately there and no time had to be spent introducing and getting to know each other and I think is vital that the actors are comfortable with each other, or at least know each other vaguely, prior to the shooting date.

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All of the crew bar Sammy (1st AD), Santiago (1st AC), Rosie (MUA) and Johnnie (Director) were from Mandy UK. I had a surprisingly vast amount of applications for the roles of Director of Photography and Sound which weirdly also stressed me out as there were so many to choose from. Luckily my director had a pretty clear idea of the kind of person he wanted so I largely left that part up to him; I just did the communication aspect of it.

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I think my skills improved immensely from doing this project. Not only in terms of learning about producing and putting it into practice, but also just navigating different people and negotiation. I had never been in a situation where I was having to organise a large group of people and the thought terrified me but it was really just a case of doing everything bit by bit and making sure that I was always ahead of schedule with making myself and everyone in the crew and cast aware of what was going on at all times and whether any changes were being made. I think something I definitely need to work on is how to handle stress and ensuring that I don’t panic in difficult situations which inevitably will arise when producing. There was a lot of time spent panicking and not knowing what to do when really I should have been thinking calmly and diplomatically.

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As the shoot location was not in London and virtually all of my cast and crew were from London it was up to Johnnie, the Director and I to dress the set. Set design and props were an essential asset to this project in order to achieve the 70s look that we were going for. I spent a lot of time liaising with various prop hire and theatre companies whilst making deals with shops in exchange for their produce. For example, Johnnie and I have been roped into doing a charity fashion show as the shop said that we could use all of the props we wanted in exchange for us doing this favour for them. This is where I saved a lot of money as we managed to get virtually all of the props for free other than the old television which was quite expensive as we wanted one that was fully functioning. Attention to detail was key for this film and I gained real respect and enjoyment for set dressing and production design from working on As If From Your Own Garden.

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Production

The production process was where I had the most fun and felt the most on top of things. It was so satisfying/ relieving to have everyone arrive at the set on time and with all the correct gear. We also shot the film at my family home so I had my mum and dad there helping with catering and supplying free accommodation which I was very grateful for. During the production process which was two days, my role really slowed down and it was more just a case of making sure everyone had what they needed and hosting in the evenings as we were all staying at my house.

We did run into a couple of technical difficulties involving some corrupt files, some missing timecodes and an out of focus shot (which when you’re working with time constraints and are only able to take so many shots, is quite frustrating!)

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Again, I have never been in such an important position as Producer whilst working on a project of this scale and that held such importance for me so it was quite nervewracking. Although I was nervous, I was more nervous about everything running smoothly as opposed to my abilities as a Producer and I was never sure if what I had done was enough. I definitely felt ready going into the shoot and felt as if everything was set but you just never know what can be thrown at you. Luckily nothing major occurred, although finally discovering the corrupt files and missing timecodes was not a great way to end the shoot and a little unexpected considering the experience our DP had but he was very apologetic and no real harm was done.

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Post Production

Thankfully before the shoot, we were taught thoroughly at Raindance how to organise our folders for our projects. Being aware of the different folders we must dedicate to various aspects of the shoot i.e ‘Stills’ ‘Media’ ‘Audio’ ‘SFX’ ‘Renders’ ‘Projects’ etc. This was a huge help when explaining things to my editor, Hamed, and also for being able to search for things quickly and efficiently.

I ran into an issue with post-production approximately 3 weeks before the hand-in deadline so I was only able to submit the 1st cut for the deadline, unfortunately. The editor who we had been working with pulled out last minute but luckily Hamed offered to edit it for us. The process has been thorough and effective but also taken a very long time, much longer than expected. Due to the fact that the director does not live in London anymore, it has been quite tricky to meet with one another and discuss things. Therefore most of our communication aside from I think three meetings have either been over the phone or via email. This has worked well but again does just slow things down quite considerably.

Although we have not reached the finished project yet, I am happy with the film so far. The shots do not look exactly how I imagined in some ways and I know the director feels the same way but I think that was to do with the camera we were using. The images seemed quite flat when we put them onto a computer. However, we have worked with what we got and I think/ hope the outcome will be successful. Johnnie had a very specific idea of how he wanted this film to be and achieving those aspirations has been a long process. Luckily he and I were on the same page with a majority of these choices, but it has meant that the process has had to be pretty meticulous.

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There are lots of small things that I would do differently for my next shoot but I think the two main things would be to do lots of research into what camera your DP will be using and thus what kind of imagery they will be producing and the other thing would just to be more on top of things; not letting things get to that last minute stage, always having a back-up and always knowing what coming next/ what I need to be doing next.

Distribution

Distribution platforms will be Facebook and Instagram to launch the film and for posting a link and then I will stream the film on Vimeo and possibly YouTube. I am really hoping that the film will be selected for the Raindance Film Festival 2019 which will also be a fantastic means of distribution but that decision is not in my hands. I also intend on submitting this film into other festivals such as The BFI London Film Festival, London Short Film Festival and Encounters 2019. I have told multiple people about this project who are all very excited to see the final outcome so I am hoping that in sharing it with them, that they might show it to their friends and family too thus increasing our audience (this is all in the hope that myself and the director, most importantly, are content with the outcome). I used to think YouTube was a great way of sharing my work but have recently realised that Vimeo comes across as a lot more professional when looking at people’s work. I suppose it can’t hurt to have it on both though!

Our team minus our MUA and Location Managers (aka my parents)

Producing: A01 Task 06 Evaluation, Reflection As If From Your Own Garden Produced by Chessie Lamb Directed by Johnnie Day Preproduction This was the first time I had ever taken on the role of producer for a film so it was a huge learning curve for me.

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Just tryin to see if anyone has a idea of the cost

The Federal Government Insurance Plan?

If the federal Government has an insurance plan and we pay for it,where is it taken from I mean what tax pays and how much do we pay. and where is the plan located so I can see what there plan is.""

Why doesn't Obama want people to be able to get health insurance from other states?

wouldn't this create more competition in the insurance business?

Who do you find is the cheapest car insurance ??

I have been searching the net getting quotes the cheapest i got was 237(fully comp) for a astra it's 16v 75 bhp i have 6 years no claims do you think this sounds ok ave used all the usual compare the market confused.com ect everything i can find usin a search engine really any more sugestions appreciated

I need help car insurance?

Im looking to buy a 2010 fusion se right now through Lee auto. For me to do it myself I'd have to pay almost 400 dollars a month for insurance and 360 for The car. Is there any way I can lower my insurance? This is rediculius all I have is 2 speeding tickets and that's it on my driving record. I have no loans no payments or nothing.

I am loooking for car insurance. But its so expensive. Can anyone recommend a company?

Can anyone recommend a company that does car insurance for below 2000? Im desperate!!

Who has cheap auto insurance in Austin?

I need to find auto insurance that is not as much as my car payment. Can anyone suggest an agency please?

Which insurance company is best for two wheeler insurance?

Insurance on a 1275 gt mini for a 17 year old?

My friend has just passed his driving test and I'm trying to help him get a car and insurance sorted. He's determined to get an old 1275 gt mini. I can see why though. I've been getting insurance quotes and they're all coming back at over 5,000 every time. I must be doing something wrong. I'm just wondering if any of yous could help me and give me an idea of what it would cost for a 17 year old male who's just passed his test on a 1275 gt? Thanks.""

What is private health insurance?

can anyone give me a definition of private health insurance please? thankyou!

How much would car insurance be for me?

I am a 16 year old boy and am looking at 95-99 Honda civic coupes manual transmission. I believe the insurance company is AAA and I'm in southern California

pc home insurance quote

What's the cheapest and most reliable auto insurance company in LA?

i'm with state farm and it's kinda expensive, so i'm thinking of switching to another insurance company.""

If I own property and pay insurance from 2 different insurance companies.?

If something were to happen to my property can I collect money from both insurances?

Motorcycle Insurance question?

I'm going to take the MSF course on Saturday and my understanding was that you're insurance is going to be cheaper and I will like to know why it will be cheaper

Does anyone know what a UWD guidline for home owners insurance means ?

How can the cost of health insurance decrease a company's income?

so, a company helps pay off people's premiums by paying off a certain percentage. but the insurance cost is rising, so the amount the company pays off for employees is also rising. well, other than the fact that insurance rates exceeding income rates affect a company's income (because of premiums etc), what other evidence can support the fact that health insurance decreases a companys income?""

What exactly is a lapse in car insurance ?

What if I decided to ride my bike instead or what if I will be out of country for 2 months and want to save 200 Dollars and cancel the insurance? How do they define lapse ? I heard even when you don't own a car you will be considered to have a lapse in insurance and you pay more money even when you did not touch your car or didn't even have one.... that dosen't make any sense to me!

Vw lupo gti insurance!!?

hi there, im nearly 17 in a few days and i want to buy a VW Lupo GTI for my first car but im not sure how much the insurance will cost because it is a GTI. does anyone have any ideas how much it will cost????? thanks :)""

Whats the best kind of car to get cheapest insurance for first time driver under 25?

What happens if im a day late on my car insurance?

i pay monthly with gieco.today my payment is due but i wont have the money untill tomorrow.will they cancel my insurance?will i have to pay some type of fee? will my car insurance go up? Plz help

Car insurance need help?

is not having car insurance in michigan illegal? what are the penalties for getting caught without insurance? is it a good idea to not have insurance? with geico insurance, about how much would we have to pay for car insurance if we have 3 cars and live in upper michigan. there is a no-fault policy here how much would a used, old, small ford car cost in upper michigan?""

Car insurance and change of address?

I rent a room in a flat near my university, which is only 10 minutes away, but my car licence is registered on my old address. I've been living in this address for over a year, but coming back on holidays to my parents home (25 miles away). I have no proof of this address as everything is still registered on my parents home. I am trying to get insurance and i want to put the address of the place i live in now (comes cheaper), but like i said, my car licence is registered elsewhere. Should i inform DVLA of address change? i've been reading on google for the past hour that it is illegal to be registered on a different adddress than it says on insurance/car licence. As in, both have to be the same, but if police stops me, would they fine me or something? Thanks in advance and sorry about my English, not a first language.""

How much would I pay for car insurance.?

I am 17 and a half year old; about to turn 18 in less than a month. Ive achieved my high school diploma. My parents are adding me to their car insurance and theyve been driving for more than 30 years. Non of them have received any tickets or have cause in accident. Clean record . we live in London Ontario and we drive 2 cars. a 2003 Dodge Grand caravan and a 2003 Chevrolet Malibu please help me

Why are my car insurance quotes so high?

Hi, I'm 27 with a full CLEAN UK driving licence and keep getting ridiculously high car insurance quotes. Now before anyone says I DO understand the car I would like is a high risk car but I think the fact Ive been driving accident free since 2001 (when i passed) with no claims points convictions whatsoever and 6 years no claims I should be doing better than this. The car Im trying to insure is a Mitsubishi Evolution FQ320 and cant get a quote below 2000!! I have a friend who is a few days younger than me (so nothing in it) with identical details and regularly gets quotes for the same vehicle below 1400!!! I cant see why this is. Ive tried changing my postcode to his (for the purpose of seeing if this is the difference) to no avail. Adding responsible family members as named drivers who i would legitimately allow to also use the vehicle...no difference. I almost feel like the insurance companies are picking on me for some reason? Can anyone shed any light as to what I could do to make this situation better and why this seems to be the case? Thanks in advance!""

Cheapest car insurance right now?

I will be 17 soon and want to drive as soon as possible, I need to know what the cheapest cars are to insure for a 17 year old male""

Will this up my car insurance?

If I buy a normal Volkswagen MKV Golf, and get a new bumper fitted and put some black alloys on it, will it up the insurance by much? I'm not trying to 'chav' it up, I simply want more of an R32/Jetta bumper and grille. I also want to have the interior retrimmed in white leather, how much would this up the insurance by? Thank you :)""

What is the typical cost of condo insurance in florida?

I'm trying to understand what homeowners insurance woul cost in florida for a 2 bedroom condo. I'm not ready to call an insurance company. I'm looking in Ft.Myers. Just want to know is it thousands of dollars and out of my range or a few hundrend per year. Say for a 75k condo.

Some Health Insurance Companies Offering Decent and Cheap Plans for International Students in the US?

I will be studying my Master in the Boston area, this September. The grad-school health insurance is a little too expensive to me. What would be some companies offering decent and affordable health insurance plans?""

""I got a wet reckless, and filed the SR-22. What happens if I cancel my insurance?

The California DMV says you have to maintain proof of financial responsibility (car insurance) for 3 years after a license reinstatement after a wet reckless charge. What happens if I cancel my policy and change insurance companies? What happens if I just cancel my policy and just don't choose to drive?

Motorcycle Insurance Companies Question?

My father has his bike insured with a certain company. Another company has cheaper insurance for me on that bike than his does. Is it possible for me to buy my own policy from a separate company without affecting his coverage?

Insurance for dummies(life insurance)?

Please help . I took out a life insurance policy about 8 years ago it is a whole life insurance policy and has some cash value .I recently discovered I have a group life insurance policy at work . Should I keep both or cash in the whole life insurance policy which is worth about 11,000 in coverage and 1,100 in cash value . The work policy is worth about 65,000 in coverage and 0 cash value""

I had a car accident without insurance and they told me to get insurance my question is wold they help me?

I had a car accident without insurance and they told me to get insurance my question is would they help me with my car if i had the accident anyway and how they gonna help me?

Quick Car Insurance Question?

Would it be cheaper for me to add onto my parents insurance, rather than have my own policy? I'm a 20 year old male by the way and currently have a quote for $115 a month.""

Would Transformers have auto insurance or life insurance?

What would be considered cheap for a new driver's auto insurance?

Also, what would be considered average or too high? Any car really, just focusing on the pricing at the moment for a ballpark estimate.""

Me and my wife wants to add our 16 year old to our insurance.?

If we tell them he does not have a license yet how much would it cost in Texas

pc home insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-find-affordable-health-insurance-texas-angel-collier/"

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

Text

Picking up the Pieces? via /r/selfimprovement

Picking up the Pieces?

So this'll be a rather long post to give background about what is going on, so up front I apologize in advance for the long post, just not sure what I'm supposed to do at this point.

So beginning this trend of downfall in November my girlfriend and I of 2 years break up. I was planning on proposing the next month, we actually broke up a week after our 2 years together. We were doing a somewhat long distance as I was attending college the next state over, but only for 16 weeks at a time and we'd spend all our time together when I wasn't at school. We never fought, and had a great relationship, she just decided she was no longer happy. While at first I was absolutely devastated and was having dark thoughts I managed to start to pull myself out of my rut... or so I thought.

I thought things were turning around when I managed to get a job at a machine shop (I'm going to school for automotive engineering, and love building/tinkering, so getting a job at a machine shop was perfect for me), and I was able to work lots of overtime (which I enjoy).

As I saw the light of happiness with my new job, everything turned black.

The end of January and I'm driving myself to church. The church is on the outside of the next town over (about 20 minute drive). I take a country road to get there and as I come around a corner I break traction from the wet road. I veer into the oncoming lane, which luckily no one was driving in. Still no traction the car spins 180 degrees but I'm back into my own lane, driving backwards. The car slides off the road into the dirt ditch launches into the air, swipes about 60 feet of fence, rolling over. I start going into shock. Without thinking I unbuckle, and fall straight onto my head. The next thing I know I'm standing at the back of the car (no idea how I got out), hunched over ready to throw up, watching the blood drip off my face. I decide at this point to call my dad. Luckily for me he was able to find me using find my iPhone, taking me to the hospital (couldn't figure out where I was or really what was going on).

Cue tons of doctor visits and chiropractor appointments. With a severe concussion I wasn't able to do much without getting such a bad headache that I couldn't do anything, I couldn't hold a conversation my memory was so bad, I couldn't focus, I was constantly dizzy and getting nauseous. I ended up having to quit (it was a mutual decision since the neurologist said I wouldn't be doing much better until around June) my job at the machine shop. I loved working there, my coworkers were great, and I loved what I was doing. I also needed the money for school, which I was supposed to return to a month ago but had to defer a semester because of the concussion.

While luckily the insurance covers the medical bills and part of a new car, I still am at the point of borrowing tons of money from my parents to help with a new car and to pay for college, which I'm lucky they're financially able to do so, but I still feel like I'm such a burden to them.

About a week after the accident I'm hanging out with my close friend "C" we'll call him (actually one of my only friends). A few others come to his house including a girl we'll call "M". She was loud, and it made my headache almost unbearable. I texted C and told him "get this girl out of your house, why is she even allowed in here". I was very unhappy that she was there and didn't like her at all.

M has smaller than average hands. I was later working on the new car (putting an aftermarket radio into it), when I dropped a screw down the dash. I couldn't reach it and my back hurt too bad to get to it. I jokingly decided to message M on facebook "I just dropped a screw down my dash, I need your toddler hands to get it out." thinking I was making fun of her, but we ended up talking till 4am that night (as exhausted as I was, I was having extreme difficulty sleeping/staying asleep with my headaches). And the next night. And the next. I start to think shes alright, as we talk more and more. I'm very good at talking about my feelings to anyone. Somehow she always got me to open up and share what's going on without me even realizing it, until I would say something and think 'shoot I shouldn't have said that'. She's a different kind of person, I can't explain it. Since I didn't like her at all at first I didn't put up my guard, and think its what lead to me falling for her. C convinced me to tell her that I liked her so I did, to which she said the same, but to keep things chronological, that's where this ends for now.

A few weeks ago (concussion symptoms have been starting to lessen for the most part, not entirely), I was having such a bad headache that I had to go lay down in my room in the dark. It wasn't loud at all, but I had hearing protection in my shooting gear, that I put on to try to stop my head from pounding so hard. As I'm laying there, I lose control. My thoughts aren't controllable they all just go negative and start swirling. My heart felt like it was beating faster and faster, and it felt like I couldn't breathe enough to get enough air for how fast it was beating, so I started hyperventilating. I have no idea how long this was going on before my mom came to check on me and found me on the verge of passing out (arms and legs were numb, and could feel the numbness moving to my chest and head). I tell C about it, who happened to be with M and some other friends, and M was worried about me since I had stopped talking to her that night during all of this. I later find out C told her about it being a panic attack since she asked him if he knew what was going on (he was the only one I told, as I find it to be embarrassing)

I go to the doctor, and I'm diagnosed with anxiety and have to take a daily medicine and one for my actual attacks while the daily medicine takes time to start doing its job. He wants me to see a therapist, which I plan on, just have been out of town so haven't had time to schedule it.

Turns out the medicine for my panic attacks (not the daily ones) gives me infinite confidence. I tell her about the anxiety and she's really understanding about it (didn't know she already knew at this point), and then later ask her on a date. We go on a date and it was amazing. The problem is she's leaving for a year and a half on a church trip where we'd have limited contact via email. She doesn't want to start a relationship right before she leaves, but "likes hanging out and would go on more dates".

Now I'm at a point of not knowing what to do, in high school I went through a phase of hanging out with the wrong people, and drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with it, but it's not for me, and I feel like its leading me down a self destructive path I don't want to go down, and I feel like I'm turning back to that. Other not as close friends have reached out to me recently saying I need to stop being so self destructive. I don't think I'd commit suicide, but its a reoccurring thought that I can't escape even though I don't want to. I guess I'm asking for a few different bits of advice.

What am I supposed to do? Is it weird or is it okay to wait a while to date the girl? Do I ask her up front about it? No one has made me as happy as she has, I can't stop smiling when I talk to her and when I'm with her and that's never happened before with anyone. I feel like I'm relying on her for happiness which I don't know if that's a good thing. How do I find my own happiness? How do I talk to the doctors without sounding crazy? Should I tell them I think I'm depressed or just work out the anxiety first? The daily medicine is supposed to help with anxiety and depression but currently its doing neither, but I didn't specifically say I'm depressed to the doctor. How do I get back in control and stop feeling like everything is spiraling out of control? I don't know if this is even the right place to share this/if this is considered self improvement but there's just so much I don't know what to do about that any advice on what I'm supposed to do would be great. Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit too, wasn't sure where else to put it.

Submitted May 14, 2018 at 09:22AM by SoiledSpaghetti via reddit https://ift.tt/2IFCIOe

#IFTTT #reddit

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touristguidebuzz · 7 years

Text

16 Things travel taught us in 2017

We had good intentions to write our ‘Year in Review’ post at the end of the year, but unfortunately we didn’t feel inspired to write over the holidays. The final few months of 2017 were not great for us, because of this, but we’re optimistic about the upcoming year. 2018 will be a milestone year for us – more on that later.

We used to write an annual round-up post that highlights the adventures of fellow travel bloggers, but after 6 years we decided it was time to put that series to rest. However, if you’re looking for some travel inspiration for 2018, check out one or two of the posts below:

26 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2016

25 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2015

40 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2014

28 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2013

25 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2012

19 Epic Adventures by Travel Bloggers in 2011

Today, we’d like to share a few lessons learned from our travels in 2017. You can also read about what we learned in 2016.

1. You always think you have more time, until you don’t.

A few months ago, my Dad passed away unexpectedly. Fortunately, we visited him in Ontario a few weeks before his untimely passing. We contemplated visiting him another time. Maybe next summer. We have more time, right? Wrong.

I am so grateful for the experience we had with him at Lake Simcoe this past summer. I would have been devastated if I had put that trip on hold. His passing has solidified the importance of not putting life on pause because of [insert excuse here]. Don’t make the mistake of thinking there will always be more time. There might not be.

You only have one life to live – so live it!

Related – You always think you have more time, until you don’t

2. Make time for the attractions that are close to home.

The photo above was captured at Joffre Lakes Provincial Park in British Columbia, located about an hour north of Whistler (2.5 hours from Vancouver). Spectacular, isn’t it? Can you believe it’s taken us almost 20 years to visit this lake? What the heck took us so long?!

We often dreaming about traveling to faraway lands. But, sometimes, you will find exactly what you need within a few hours drive. How many times have you said, “I don’t have the time to travel, I’m too busy”. Or, the most common, “I don’t have money to travel”.

Well, the easy solution is to visit the attractions that are close to home.

Related – 50 Photos from our Summer Adventures

3. The details matter. Don’t be petty.

We splurged and stayed at a nice resort during our visit to Curacao (you can read about our experience here). It’s a great property located directly on the beach and within walking distance to the Curacao Sea Aquarium (which is awesome for kids, BTW).

We had a fantastic time at the resort. The restaurant was good. The rooms were clean and modern. The pools were nice and quiet. The beach sunsets were outstanding. It was a fun trip.

BUT – when people ask us about our time in Curacao, we can’t help but tell the story about how the hotel charged us $2 extra for a coffee pod. We spent over $1,000 for 3 nights at this property and the staff felt it was necessary to charge us for 1 measly coffee pod.

Here’s what happened. We couldn’t figure out how to use the coffee machine and accidentally pushed the coffee pod through, before it had brewed. It’s an easy mistake to make. We love our morning coffee, so we called reception and asked if we could have another coffee pod to replace the one we lost. We weren’t trying to be greedy, we just wanted 1 cup of coffee each. That doesn’t sound unreasonable, does it?

Let’s be clear – it’s not about the money. It’s only $2. What got us so annoyed was how cheap and petty the staff were about this charge. It ruined what was otherwise a great experience – all for $2.

Related – The Charming Old Town of Willemstad

4. It’s okay to be a Tourist doing Touristy Things.

Niagara Falls is arguably the most popular natural attraction in Canada. It’s estimated that over 30 million people visit Niagara Falls each year, with numbers consistently increasing every year. That number is close to the entire population of Canada!

When we revealed that we’d be visiting Niagara Falls in 2017 we heard a lot of negative “it’s so touristy” comments. I can appreciate that not everyone is interested in touristy destinations, but we’ve found that these destinations are popular for a reason – because they’re fun!

Sure, there are more line-ups and higher prices at these touristy destinations, but with that high demand comes more options. We enjoyed our time at Niagara Falls and would recommend it to other traveling families. There is so much to see and do around the Falls.

Related – How to Spend 4 days in Niagara Falls with Kids

5. Most airlines want to help – if you’re nice.

We’ve been pretty lucky when flying with our boys. We rarely have flight issues and most of the time things go smoothly. That was not the case for our flight home from Aruba last February.

There was a big snow storm in Toronto that delayed dozens of flights. Our connection to Vancouver was via Toronto, so were at the mercy of this storm. The agents at the airport in Aruba weren’t very helpful. It wasn’t their fault, they had limited information. They did their best – but it was a frustrating situation.

In the end, we waited at the gate for over 9 hours before the plane arrived to take us home. There’s not a lot to do at Aruba’s small airport, so it felt like an eternity. Our boys did great, but they have their limits.

During this time, we reached out to Air Canada on Twitter. We waited on hold for 30+ minutes before deciding to hang up and try our luck with social media.

We empathize with airline agents. It wasn’t their fault the snow storm required flights to be delayed for hours. But they had to deal with the aftermath. Thousands of people were stranded, which meant hundreds of connections were missed and needed to be re-booked. People were angry. We were angry.

Rather than yell and point the finger, we stayed calm and asked for help. Our kids were tired and we missed our connection in Toronto. The person working the Twitter account was able to get us booked on new flights later that night and they secured us a complimentary hotel room at the airport with food vouchers. It was a nice gesture. We all needed sleep – badly.

The lesson – be nice to people, even when you’re upset.

We ended up catching a quick connection in Toronto and therefore did not need the hotel room, but it was nice to know that they were trying to make the best of a crappy situation.

Travel schedules don’t always go according to plan. It’s easy to blame and point the finger, but if you’re nice to the airline representative, you’re more likely to have that nice gesture reciprocated. Try it next time – even if the airline is wrong.

Related – When in Aruba, visit De Palm Island. Here’s why.

6. We are way too dependent on our devices.

When I was in Charlotte last spring, my phone died. It just stopped working and would not reboot. Not having my phone rocked me in ways I can’t explain.

Beyond the anxiety of not having my precious phone, I wasn’t able to do even the most basic things, like reading email or texting. And, because I was in a different country, I was unable to fix the phone until I returned home. That was a looooong 4 days.

All of my email and social accounts have two-step verification, which means a text or notification will be sent to my phone in order to access these accounts.

Guess what happens when you leave Canada and enter a new city in the United States? I’ll tell you what happens — you can’t access your accounts without two-step verification!

Think about that for a minute.

I try to login to my email to get my flight details (because I can’t check-in using the airline app on my freakin phone!) and it denies me access because the verification is being sent to my phone that doesn’t work!

I don’t print anything these days (we don’t even own a printer), which means all of my important info lives in the digital world. And, when you can’t access that info, life gets interesting (and not in a good way).

I don’t know what the solution is, but it’s likely going to get worse before it gets better.

7. We need to Disconnect and Reconnect more often.

Building on the last comment about our device dependency – it’s important to give yourself a digital detox and reconnect with nature. We’re all addicted to our devices these days, which makes it even more necessary to leave the devices at home and surround yourself with nature.

That means you might actually need to bring your camera instead of your phone when you go hiking or camping or swimming. Now, that might not seem like a big deal, until you actually leave your phone at home and have to navigate the world without GPS.

This year, take time to reconnect with nature WITHOUT your device.

Give it a try. You won’t be disappointed.

8. Fear of wind is a real thing.

Have you heard of Ancraophobia? Most people have not. Basically, it’s an extreme fear of wind. It’s a rare phobia but it can cause extreme anxiety and panic attacks for those who have the fear.

During our trip to Aruba it became clear that Connor, our youngest boy, has this extreme fear of wind.

Because it’s always windy in Aruba, the moment we stepped out of the airport, and he felt the strong wind hit his face, he immediately freaked out and ran back inside the airport.

The first few days in Aruba were really tough for him. The poor little guy was terrified and didn’t want to go outside. In the above photo, Connor is actually sitting in his stroller hidden behind that striped towel.

Fortunately, that trip to Aruba helped him get over this fear. He’s now mostly okay the wind.

Related – First impressions and observations from Aruba

9. Country music ain’t so bad.

Let me start by saying that I’m not a fan of country music. It just doesn’t do it for me.

However, when I visited Nashville last summer, I decided to stop at a Honky-Tonk bar on Broadway Street (that one, pictured above). You can’t visit Music City without listening to some live music, right?

I didn’t hate it. In fact, it was pretty good. Let’s be clear, I’m still not a fan of country music. BUT, if you find yourself in Nashville, it’s definitely worth checking out some live music – even if you don’t like country music. You’ll have fun, I promise.

Related – How I spent 48 hours in Nashville

10. Visit at least one World Heritage Site every year.

Every year we try to visit at least one UNESCO World Heritage Site. In 2017 we visited the Historic Area of Willemstad, Curaçao. As you can see from the above photo, Willemstad is quite the place. Its distinct architecture, vibrant colours and rich history make it a must see when visiting this Caribbean island.

We believe it’s important to learn about a country’s heritage, both naturally and culturally. When you start planning your next big trip in 2018, check out this list of UNESCO World Heritage Sites and see if you can incorporate one or two sites into your itinerary.

See more photos of Willemstad here.

11. Our planet is not happy with us.

The summer of 2017 delivered the the worst wildfire season on record for British Columbia. During our time at Porteau Cove this past summer we were covered by a blanket of smoke for days (see the above photo as evidence – the sun actually looks like the moon).

It feels like every year we find ourselves saying, “WOW, there were so many natural disasters this year”.

The storms are getting stronger. The fires are burning longer. The temperatures are getting both higher and lower. Flooding, earthquakes, monsoons, landslides, drought – the planet is sending clear signs that it’s not happy with us.

We have to do better. All of us.

12. Sometimes, NOT leaving your hotel is a good thing.

The Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls is a destination all on its own. During our visit to Ontario last summer, we decided to spend a few days at the resort. We didn’t leave the property once. There was no reason to. We had everything we needed inside the resort.

Picture this – your hotel has a massive water park and wave pool INSIDE the actual hotel. It’s incredible. You don’t need to walk outside. You literally walk down the hall from your room, go down a flight of stairs and voila – you’re inside a 100,000 square foot water park.

The photo below was captured from the second floor inside the hotel. It’s quite the place.

Related – Our experience at the Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls

13. South Florida is open for business.

I visited Fort Lauderdale 10 days after the devastating Hurricane Irma hit Florida and several Caribbean Islands in early September. I was tempted to cancel my trip, for obvious reasons, but reports said that power and water was restored and it was safe to visit. It’s not unreasonable to avoid destinations that have been the victim of a natural disaster.

I’m happy to report that Fort Lauderdale is open for business.

The above photo was taken from my hotel room at the Fort Lauderdale Marriott Harbor Beach Resort. As you can see, the community bounced back quickly. Most of the beaches are back to normal and businesses are open and ready to serve you.

I was speaking to a taxi driver on the drive from the airport to the hotel. He was very worried about the impact of the hurricane on the local economy. Fort Lauderdale (and most of South Florida) is driven by the tourist dollar, so it’s vital that the tourists return this winter season.

Related – 22 Beaches to Take Your Mind Off Winter

14. Revisit the places that shaped who you are today.

There are few places in this world that we will revisit again and again. Victoria BC is one of them.

We love the city’s old town character and laid back vibe. Every time we drive off the ferry at Swartz Bay we feel a sense of calm wash over us. Victoria is a relatively big city, but it doesn’t feel or act that way.

Victoria is the place where we first met. It’s where our family story began, so we felt it was important to retrace our steps and introduce our boys to the places we used to frequent. We visited in October over the Thanksgiving weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving), which was fitting, given the purpose of the trip.

That trip to Victoria reminded us how important it is to revisit the places that shape who you are today. It puts life into perspective and allows you to clearly see how far you’ve come.

Related – Where it all began. Revisiting Victoria with our boys

15. Catching dinosaurs is a really cool experience.

Last summer, I went sturgeon fishing for the first time. I knew very little about sturgeon fishing prior this excursion up the Fraser River in Chilliwack, British Columbia. I had only been fishing a handful of times, but I had seen a few photos of these giant sea creatures online (like this one).

If a catfish, crocodile and reef shark mated, the outcome would look something like a white sturgeon. They are not cute and cuddly. They look like underwater dinosaurs! Watch the video here.

We spent about 6 hours on the river and caught 3 sturgeon that day. I would have been happy with just one, so I’d say this fishing excursion as a huge success.

Related – Sturgeon Fishing on the Fraser River in Chilliwack

16. It’s okay to visit Cancun in June.

Most people avoid traveling to the Caribbean in the summer months, which is considered the off season. It’s much more humid that time of year and the chance of rain is high. I learned that visiting in June is actually not a bad time to visit Cancun – is there really a bad time to visit Cancun?

It rained every day during my visit, but not for long. It lasted about 15 to 30 minutes and then it was done. I didn’t mind though. I actually like a little rain. It helps wash away some of the intense mid-day humidity.

Related – Photos of the Iberostar Cancun Resort in Mexico

What about you? What did travel teach you in 2017?

Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Read next – The first sunrise of 2018 was a memorable one!

16 Things travel taught us in 2017 is a post from: Traveling Canucks

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First impressions and observations from our trip to Aruba

Our experience at the Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls, Canada

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