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matrixaffiliate · 5 years ago

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Patient

Chapter Update! FFN and AO3

Next chapter goes up on Friday, June 28th!

(P.S. The horizontal line button isn’t working today.)

Chapter 4

It wasn't a total lie, Harry reasoned as he drove North. Neville was a client, one of Harry's first actually. But Neville wasn't having a meeting, he wasn't in a business that would have many meetings, and Neville wasn't actually aware that the Harry Potter who ran his security remotely was the same Harry Potter he'd grown up with. He didn't know, because Harry had lied.

Don't misunderstand him. Harry had wanted Neville to choose his business because Nev wanted to use Harry's company, not because he was a friend. And as they had communicated almost exclusively via email since Neville now lived nearly four hours away, the lie continued fifteen years later. That had been because Harry wasn't too fond of what Neville had decided to specialize in.

See, Nev had gone on to be a psychologist, and Harry had found right after everything happened with his family that everyone kept pushing him to talk about his feelings. No one knew it was his fault that his family had perished, so he didn't begrudge them their assumed kindness, but he still hated that everyone's immediate reaction was to talk about how he felt. Once Harry finally got everything set up with his security business nearly five years after it all, he also found out Nev had gone into psychology. Harry figured no psychologist could resist making broken people talk about how broken they were, especially when they were old friends. So rather than risk Nev pulling the truth from him, Harry lied.

But now, well, Harry knew he needed help. He needed to know how to tell Teddy and Gin what he really was. He needed help figuring out how to move forward when they cut him off. And he figured that Nev would at least be willing to give him some advice before he told him he'd find a new security business.

Today had made him realize it was time. Seeing his parents' home again, Ginny standing at the boxes of all the things his family left behind, Teddy's rightful anger, Ginny loving his childhood home enough to live in it, all of it made him realize that he loved them all too much to keep lying to them. They deserved better. They deserved to spend their lives with people worth their love and their time.

Harry checked into a hotel once he arrived and sent a text to Teddy saying that he'd be home tomorrow. Teddy always assumed, and rightfully so, that Harry meant he was staying with Gin and that suited Harry fine. Then he emailed Neville and told him he would be stopping by in the morning. Once the logistics ran out, so did Harry's mental ability to shut down everything that had happened and everything he was committing himself to do.

He wanted them to be happy, and Teddy would be happy with Vic and her family. It was going to kill him, but he'd known from the beginning this would have to happen. Harry had known since the day he brought Teddy home from Andromeda's funeral that he would have to tell him, and that little boy who held onto him so desperately would want nothing to do with him. Harry knew the day would come.

But Ginny.

Harry had never expected to end up with someone like Ginny in his life. He hadn't ever thought someone would want him, would seek him out, would tell him that they loved him no matter what. Harry had never thought he'd end up tricking someone like her, someone as wonderful and amazing as Gin was.

And for a moment, Harry thought to stop it all, to email Nev and cancel, to pretend none of this happened, to drive the four hours back right now and tell Ginny he loved her and he'd buy back his parents' home and bury all of his guilt so far down that he could selfishly keep her to himself forever. Giving up Ginny felt wrong on so many levels, but he couldn't trap her like this, he was sure she would be happier without him.

She deserved better than him, someone who was honest, someone without so much darkness haunting them. She deserved a chance to start fresh and avoid all his demons.

Harry lay on the bed, trying to clear his mind enough to sleep, but he was haunted by images of mangled cars and still faces, of Teddy's obvious anger, but mostly by the sound of Ginny's parting words to him, and a kiss he had no right to take from her.

_______________________________________

Harry walked into Neville's little office space the next morning very tired. An elderly woman sat at the small reception desk and smiled at him.

"How can I help you, dear?"

Harry cleared his throat, wishing this wasn't so hard.

"I'm Harry Potter, I run all your computer security, I need to speak with Dr. Longbottom."

The woman beamed, "Of course dear, Dr. Longbottom sent me a text last night saying you'd be coming in. He's in his eight-o'clock appointment but he doesn't have anyone at nine and he slid you in there."

"Thank you," Harry glanced at the clock on the wall. He still had fifteen minutes to wait. "Do you mind if I sit and get some work done?"

"Be my guest," the woman grinned and gestured to the five chairs that sat in front of her desk.

Harry slipped out his laptop and tried to keep his mind on everything other than what was about to happen. He hadn't felt so much internal turmoil since the day that Andromeda made him Teddy's sole guardian. The fifteen minutes seemed to drag along at a snail's pace. Harry could swear he was writing emails at record speed based on how he seemed to be getting more done than he ever managed to get done in his office.

Finally, he heard the door open and watched a gentleman nod to the receptionist before heading out the door. Then out stepped Neville.

Harry quickly closed down his laptop and slid it back into the bag.

"Mr. Potter," Neville's grin was wide, "why don't you step into my office and we can discuss what you emailed me about last night?"

Harry nodded and followed his old friend back into his office. Neville hadn't changed much, his hair had darkened a bit and his face had the worn lines of age and experience, but not much else was different. He actually looked a lot like his dad from what Harry remembered of Frank.

Harry's musing was cut short when Neville shut the door and pulled Harry into a tight embrace.

"I knew it! I knew it was you!" Neville let him go and then slugged his arm. "What the hell did I do, Potter? Why try to keep me in the dark?"

"You, you knew?" Harry blinked as Neville's words processed.

"Of course I knew you, idiot. I grew up with you, I think I'd recognize one of my best mates." Neville sat down and gestured for Harry to do the same. Harry sat down in the chair across from the desk. Vaguely his mind registered that there wasn't a sofa in Nev's office. For some strange and unknown reason, that comforted Harry.

"I'm sorry." Harry shook his head. "I didn't want you to use my business just because we were friends."

Nev chuckled, "Harry when I hired you I knew exactly who you were."

Harry quirked a brow, "How?"

Neville chuckled, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I was listening when you were going off on different tangents during A-levels. I figured out who you were."

"You were always a clever prat," Harry gave in to the smile pulling on his lips.

He'd missed Nev.

"Now that's out of the way," Nev leaned back in his chair, "what brought you up here?"

Harry flinched. For a brief second, he forgot he was seeing Nev for something other than reconnecting.

"Harry," Nev pushed back forward, "is everything alright?"

Harry almost backed out, everything within him screamed to grab his backpack and bolt for the door. But it was all drowned out by the memory of Ginny. She deserved better, and he was a putz if he didn't show her that.

"Did you hear about my folks?" He knew the answer. Nev had been at the funeral. But Harry had to start somewhere.

Nev nodded, "I'm so sorry. How's Teddy?"

"Brilliant, he's getting married in about three months."

"That's great, Harry. He's lucky to have you."

Harry huffed, "I don't think so."

Nev leaned over the desk and clasped his hands in front of him. Harry didn't dare make eye contact.

"Why do you say that?"

Harry took a deep breath and said what he should have said to Andromeda and Ted Tonks in the days following his family's death.

"It's my fault that Teddy doesn't have his parents. It's my fault that I don't have my family."

Neville answered him slowly. "What makes you say that, Harry?"

"I offered to watch Teddy and they all decided to go out that night." The words felt like cotton in his mouth. "If I hadn't offered, Remus and Tonks would be planning Teddy's wedding with him, not me."

"So, you blame yourself for the deaths of your family."

"Of course I do, Nev," Harry snapped, finally looking up at his old friend. "It's my fault!"

"Not the fault of the drunk driver?"

Neville's face was calm and Harry felt fury boiling in him. Why was he so calm about this? He was supposed to hate him, tell him what an awful person he was, agree with him that he wasn't worth Teddy's time, let alone Ginny's

"When's the last time you had alcohol, Harry?"

Harry felt like the question hit him from behind, and he blinked at Neville.

"Before the accident, right?" Neville pressed.

Harry glared at him but nodded. What did alcohol have to do with anything?

"Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'?" Harry yelled. "Every time I look at it I see them. I was next of kin! I went to the morgue! I sat there with a screaming little boy because his mum and dad weren't coming home! And it was my fault! I caused it! So forgive me for hating the site of alcohol because it's a constant reminder of everything I did to end the lives of the people I loved the most and to rob my godson of a family and happy life with them!"

Harry felt the lump rising in his throat and tried to swallow it down.

"And I never told anyone, Nev. I sat next to Andromeda as she died in the hospital and I couldn't tell her." The tears escaped him and Harry wiped at them with the back of his hand in anger. "And Teddy doesn't know, and now there's Gin and they both deserve so much more, so much better than me. Teddy's fiance's family will take good care of him, and they'll love him. He'll be happier without me. And Ginny, she needs better than me, she deserves to know what I am."

"What are you, Harry?" Neville's voice was soft, calm.

"All those years at a fancy school and you can't see a murderer when he confesses to you?"

Neville laughed and for a moment Harry yearned for the old days, when he and Nev would climb into the old Cortina Mark IV Harry bought and drive around like maniacs, when things were so much simpler, when his family was still with him.

Neville handed him a small framed picture.

"Harry, this is Hannah," Harry looked down at the woman in the frame. She was standing against a light pole with a bright smile on her face.

"Your wife?" Harry flinched at how much he'd missed of his old friend's life.

Neville nodded as he took the frame back.

"Hannah and I have been married for six years, and we'd very much like to start a family. We've been trying for four years now. The doctors we've seen all say that there's nothing medically wrong with either of us. Neither of us is unhealthy. Yet here we are, four years into trying, and no children."

Neville looked down at the frame, a sad sigh escaping his lips.

"What would you say if I told you it was Hannah's fault we weren't having kids?"

"I'd punch you in the mouth," Harry frowned.

Neville, however, smiled, "I'd hoped that would be your response. It's incorrect to say that the problem is her or me. It's not. It's what has happened, and we're working through it as best we can."

Harry felt a great deal of confusion as he stared at his old friend.

"It isn't anymore Hannah's fault that we haven't had kids than it is your fault that your family perished, Harry." Nev set the frame aside and looked back at him. "And as your friend, I'd feel similarly inclined to punch you in the mouth for suggesting the latter."

Harry hung his head in his hands. "When you put it like that I sound like an arse."

"No, you sound like a man who was never given the opportunity to grieve. You became Teddy's guardian just over a year after your family died and you spent most of that year taking care of Andromeda and Teddy."

Neville moved around his desk and knelt next to Harry. "Mate, did you even once over these years take time to actually feel the pain for yourself? Not feeling for Teddy, but feeling the loss of so many people close to you?"

"I don't know, Nev," Harry shuddered under the weight of nearly two decades of unprocessed grief.

"Then let's talk about how you can grieve now." Neville put a hand on his shoulder. "And after, I want to know who Ginny is."

And for the first time since his family perished, Harry felt something that felt an awful lot like hope.

_______________________________________

Neville's ten-o'clock appointment canceled last minute which he used to help Harry learn how to grieve and let go. Harry wasn't particularly fond of the idea, but Nev assured Harry the problem was not him, it was a lack of grieving.

Five minutes before Neville's eleven-o'clock appointment, Harry stood to leave.

"Thanks, Nev, I'm not sure if I would have managed without you."

Neville pulled Harry into a hug, "Mate, this is what friends and family are for. We reach out and we help each other heal from what the world throws at us."

"Send me a bill for the two hours and I'll wire you the fee." Harry slung his backpack over his shoulder.

"Nah," Neville shook his head, "Hannah and I will come down and you take us and Ginny out to dinner together. That's the only payment I'll accept."

Harry chuckled, "Let me know the next time you're down my way then. I know of a few places."

Neville hugged him once more before seeing him out.

Harry started the drive back down and took the first step that Nev had suggested. He called Kelsey.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better," Kelsey's voice sounded through his Bluetooth.

"Yes, I'm sorry for yesterday," the next words seemed to cut his throat as he spoke them, "I'd very much like to see that third home. Could you arrange it, preferably today?"

"Of course," Kelsey's answer was far too chipper but Harry reminded himself that most people weren't grieving the majority of their adult lives.

After setting the time he called Teddy, who didn't answer. Harry assumed that he was in class and left a message. Nev said it would be good for Teddy to be a part of this process, it would be good for him to see Harry finally grieve. Harry didn't like it one bit, but Nev had been insistent that it would help with the anger Harry was sure Teddy harbored against him.

The next call was the one he was both anticipating and dreading.

"Harry," Ginny answered before the first ring had finished.

Harry felt the tension ease at the sound of her voice.

"Gin," it was more of a sigh than a greeting, like when you walk in your door after a few days away and let the feeling of home wash over you.

"How are you?" Ginny's voice betrayed her concern and Harry felt sick with guilt for a moment.

"I'm better," it was true. Talking with Nev, as much as he hadn't wanted to at first, had really helped him feel like maybe, maybe Teddy and Ginny would understand. Maybe they'd be willing to see him as worth their time, their effort, their love.

"I'm so glad," Ginny sounded relieved.

"Are you busy tomorrow?"

"No, but I'm not busy today either."

Harry was tempted, tempted to put off this awful mess of feelings in exchange for the blissful oblivion that he felt with Ginny. But she deserved someone who could be as whole as possible, someone who didn't have nearly two decades of grief to handle.

"I need to have Teddy help me with something today, but I'm all yours tomorrow."

Ginny sighed, "Fine, I guess I can wait till tomorrow."

Harry chuckled, "You're going to give me a big head."

"Not a chance," Ginny shot back, "you're running under the assumption I want to see you because I love you. In reality, you're just an assuage to my tedious existence."

Harry laughed, and it felt so good to laugh.

"Man, Gin, not pulling any punches today, are you?"

"I never do, love."

The seriousness in her voice left Harry without the ability to breathe for several seconds, but the iron in it kept the hope in him alive. Maybe she wouldn't dump him after all of this. Maybe she meant it when she said she loved him, no matter what.

_______________________________________

There were a million memories that flooded Harry as he drove through the old neighborhood. There was Oliver's place, where he'd host pick up football games every day after school. He'd always told Harry to try and go pro. Oliver had done just that. He passed Mrs. Figg's home, she always had cookies for him. He wondered if she was still around or not; if he knocked on her door if she'd be the one to answer?

There were kids running around, the weather just tolerable enough to play outdoors. Teddy used to live for days like today this time of year, and as the sadness hit him from that thought, Harry let it. He let the feeling fill him, instead of crushing it as he'd always done. He allowed himself to grieve that he had raised his godson, rather than blame himself or shut himself down as a bad godfather for being the reason he didn't have parents. At first, the feeling was so heavy Harry thought it's weight would crush him, and he pulled off to the side of the road to allow the tears to fall. But slowly, the weight ebbed and Harry pulled in what felt like his first real breath. He felt lighter somehow. It still hurt, but it wasn't incapacitating as it always had been before.

Maybe Nev knew what he was talking about after all.

Harry managed to meet Kelsey on time, but getting out of the car felt like climbing the last ten yards of Everest. Somehow, he managed.

"Ginny really loved this one, I could tell." Kelsey grinned as she unlocked the door.

Harry only nodded and smiled. It felt so weird to be let into\ what was once his home. But once he stepped inside, he saw it was no longer what he grew up with, it was better.

It looked like his mum had left drawings of everything she'd ever wanted done to the home and someone had found them. What Harry thought would be a trip down memory lane, felt more like stepping inside his mum's dream.

"Do you mind if I just look around?" Harry asked, trying to figure out how to politely ask Kelsey to leave him be.

"Of course," Kelsey smiled, seeming to pick up on the hint. "I'm sure Ginny told you all about the amazing things the current owners have done. If you have any questions I'll just be right here."

Harry climbed the steps to his old room. The room looked nothing like it had when he had lived there. The walls now a crisp off-white rather than the beige they'd been as he grew up, and no longer covered in posters of bands and footballers.

It wasn't his room anymore, and that felt both sad and relieving. It was sad to feel like this part of his life could never be brought back, but it was more so a weight off his shoulders. It was almost consoling, that this room was no longer his, that it looked nothing like when he lived here on his own until Andromeda had been diagnosed with cancer and Harry had moved in with her to help take care of Teddy. It felt good to know it wasn't going to feel like he was right back in the thick of those awful months by being here.

The memories flooded Harry as he walked from his room to his parents' old room. Nothing was the same. The room used to be rather large with a small bathroom. The current owners had taken part of the bedroom to widen the en suite into something much more luxurious. The guest rooms that used to house his dad's study and his mum's office were set up as bedrooms now, and being in them lacked the sharp pain of memories Harry was sure he would feel. They felt normal, as though maybe one day children would grow up in them.

Maybe his own children?

The thought felt strange and surreal, but also... hopeful...like maybe one day he'd be a father and a godfather.

The back garden was where the emotions caught up with him, mostly because it was untouched. The tree house his dad and Sirius built him sat in the tree as though twenty-five years hadn't passed. The lawn still seemed to stretch for miles in front of him, though it was only maybe a quarter of a football pitch if that. He was lost in those memories when he realized his feet were moving, and his hands had started climbing the rungs of the tree house ladder.

It wasn't difficult to get in, his dad had told his mum they'd made the whole thing big enough for adults so that they could rescue the lads if anything happened. Harry knew it was because his dad and godfather used to use the tree house while he was at school.

The memory made Harry smile as he looked at the old carvings he'd made. Some were with his dad, others with Nev, one was from the last time Harry was in the small space. He'd brought Teddy up, the night everyone perished, and had carved Teddy's name into the tree.

"Now you're one of the lads, Teddy." Harry heard his voice echoing from the past. "We'll be great mates, I'll show you all the best things. And you can always come up here whenever you want to."

Harry shuddered as finally, the pain hit him full force. His chest constricted and Harry wondered if he might pass out; from the way his chest was caving in on itself, he almost expected to. It was excruciating, to feel so much at once, and more than once Harry wanted to lock it all back away, to forget it all again, but Nev promised this would help, and this path meant keeping Teddy and Gin, so Harry gritted his teeth and let the tears run.

Slowly Harry ran out of tears, and the crushing weight of sadness seemed to slip away. He felt lighter again, the pain still there but not so sharp.

Maybe it was working.

Harry tried to clean his face off as best he could before returning to Kelsey.

"I'd like you to start the paperwork on this home."

Kelsey almost squealed, Harry was sure it took a great deal of effort on her part not to.

"Absolutely! I'll get everything drawn up and send it over to you tonight."

Harry grinned, it felt right to buy the house back, to start the road his parents had hoped for him their whole lives.

"Thanks, Kelsey," Harry shook her hand, "Keep me posted."

Harry climbed into his car, hoping Teddy would be willing to help him through this next bit.

_______________________________________

"What are all these?" Teddy looked at the boxes strewn across the floor in the sitting room.

Harry looked up from his laptop and sighed, "This is what I should have done a long time ago."

Teddy stepped closer to one of the boxes.

"These are James' and Lily's things." Teddy looked up with wide eyes.

"And those are Sirius and Marlene's," Harry nodded to the smaller cluster of boxes.

"Why are they down here?" Teddy's hand rested on the box closest to him, his fingers drumming nervously on its lid. Harry wondered if Nev was right that this would be good for him, it certainly didn't look that way right now.

"Have a seat, Teddy," Harry closed his laptop and set it aside.

Teddy eyed the boxes once more before settling in next to Harry on the sofa.

"I guess first, I owe you an apology." Harry ran a hand into his hair.

"If you apologize for not being my parents, I'm going to leave."

"No, I owe you an apology for not grieving." Harry heaved a sigh and ran his hand over his face.

"Wait, what?"

"I never took the time to grieve. I've spent this whole time trying to press every emotion that came from the accident down. And I've," Harry gripped his knees, "I've blamed myself for their death."

"Harry," but Harry cut off Teddy's interruption.

"I'm getting there, but let me explain. Our family went out that night because I offered to look after you. If I," Harry paused to swallow the lump in his throat. "I felt that if I hadn't offered to watch you, they'd all still be here. Then when your grandparents passed away too, I shut down all my grief. The only thing I ever let myself focus on was you. I told myself that my suffering was some sort of penance for my killing our family. So I threw myself into being your parent and keeping you safe." Harry felt the tears pressing on the backs of his eyes and sniffed at the wetness in his nose before going on.

"But yesterday I visited an old friend who happens to be a psychologist and he talked through it all with me. His process has made me feel like I'm back to the day we buried everyone, but I think it's helping too." Harry finally looked up at Teddy, his head felt heavy as he did so. "He suggested you be a part of this grieving step."

Harry pulled the box closest to him over in front of them. "I would like to go through all of these things with you and tell you about them, what they are, who they belonged to, and their significance to our family. When we're done, I'd be happy to go through your parents' boxes and do the same. I don't know much about your grandparents, but I'll go through it all with you as well."

Teddy was silent as he looked back at Harry. His face showed nothing, something Harry was sure Teddy had picked up from him, a bad result of how he'd handled everything for so many years.

"Teddy?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Teddy snapped, his facade finally breaking with a furrowed brow.

Harry flinched. He should have known better.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have offered, I should have just done this in my room. I'll get all of these out of your way." Harry pushed up to stand when Teddy pulled him back down.

"No," Teddy rounded on him, "you're going through every fucking box here with me so I can make sure you do it! How in the hell could you spend so much time trying to make sure I handled my parents being dead well and completely miss that you were fucking yourself up?!"

Harry stared at his godson, mouth agape as Teddy's words sunk in. Teddy was right. He had read several books about how to help a child who had lost their parents grow up into a well-adjusted adult. They were sitting on one of the lower shelves in his office. But not once did Harry look internally and apply the lessons to himself.

"I don't know Teddy," Harry hung his head in his hands as he leant over his knees. "I don't have answers, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to fix it now. I'm trying to make it so I deserve you."

"And Ginny," Teddy added, the bite in his voice softening.

Harry chuckled, "I'll never deserve her, but I'm going to try and show her I'll do my best for her."

"Good," Teddy's teasing smile found its way onto his face, "because if you were thinking of doing something stupid I'd punch you in the mouth."

Harry shook his head but laughed in spite of himself.

Teddy put a hand on Harry's shoulder and gestured to the boxes, "Let's get started, we've got a lot to go through."

This was by far harder than being in his childhood home had been. The house had been so different that it had put a buffer up against the memories. But these boxes, they had no buffer. He didn't even remember what had gone in them, just Andromeda helping him fill them. Andromeda made most of the decisions of what stayed and went. She had been amazing. She helped Harry with his parents' home and the Black's home while also arranging everything for Ted's funeral. It had been such a blur, Harry merely remembered putting everything Andromeda handed him into the boxes, closing them, and hoping to never look at them again.

Harry managed to stay his tears until Teddy pulled out the book of fairy tales that his mum had read him every night as a small child. The tears came hard and fast after that, and they continued with each item pulled from the boxes. Some things were easier to look at, he was able to even laugh at some of the photos that were there. Other things pulled the breath out of him, like his parents' wedding rings, especially when he realized that Marlene and Sirius' rings were in one of their boxes. And some things brought the heavy sobs back, like his mum's paintings from when she decided she wanted to learn how to paint, specifically her portrait of him shortly after he started A-levels.

It went on like that for hours. At one point, Teddy ordered pizza. Later he pulled out ice cream. But as they kept going, the moments of laughter and fun stories started to outweigh the moments of heavy sobbing. And when they packed up the last box of his parents' things at nearly three in the morning, Harry wanted to pull it all back out and start hanging it all up on the walls and laying it out on the kitchen table.

"I'll go through Sirius and Marlene's things with you in the morning." Teddy yawned and stretched his arms over his head.

"Don't you have class tomorrow?" Harry rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses into his hair.

"It's just review for our exam and I'll be fine. This is more important. Besides," he chuckled, "I want to get to the stories about my parents."

"Then let's get to bed," Harry yawned, "because I have some work to do as well tomorrow."

Teddy followed Harry up there stairs and paused outside his bedroom. "It gets easier, Harry. There are still days where I miss them so much it drops me, but those days aren't nearly as often as they used to be, and I know it'll get there for you too."

Harry pulled Teddy into a hug and just held him. He had no idea what he'd been doing while raising his godson on his own. But obviously, he'd done something right for the kid to grow up to be so strong. And Harry felt security in knowing that he'd have Teddy in the rest of his life now. He was going to earn that. And maybe, if he could earn having Teddy in the rest of his life, Harry hoped he could earn it with Gin too.

_______________________________________

Harry and Teddy took another five hours to go through all of the Black's boxes the next day. Harry was tempted to stay on the keep the momentum and get started going through all of Remus and Tonks' things, but he also really wanted to see Ginny. And since he'd promised to see her that day, and he had been keeping Teddy from his fiancée, Harry decided to call a timeout. Teddy wholly agreed, and so Harry found himself heading to Ginny's shortly after she let him know she was leaving work.

His heart beat like gunfire as he drove and by the time he arrived at her door Harry was sure he was going to faint away from the speed of his palpitations.

But then there was Ginny.

She opened the door to him and threw herself into his arms, pressing her lips to his and clinging to his neck as though she might float away. Harry instantly returned her fervor, and as he did so he felt his heart slow down. He felt his breathing relax. And he felt his mind stop.

It was heaven.

And he stood in heaven for who knows how long, for all he knew it could have been the entire month of April, but Harry wasn't pulling away. He was going to lose himself in Ginny. He was going to drink her in and savor every sound she made, the way she tasted when he ran his tongue against her, her smell that filled his nostrils with what could only be described as flowery, and the feel of her body beneath his hands.

He never wanted to stop, but alas, cruel oxygen made them pull apart, and the need for air left them panting in the open doorway, clinging to each other.

"Want to come in?" Ginny chuckled and looked up at him.

"I'm rather enjoying this," Harry furrowed his brow and pretended to consider. Then he smirked.

"I know, let's go in and pick up where we left off out here, preferably someplace where I don't have to remain standing."

Ginny rolled her eyes but pulled him inside as she intertwined her fingers with his.

"Talking first, and eating," she pointed to the stew reheating in a pot on the stove, "then we can pick up where we left off."

Harry smirked, "Alright, but know I'm only doing this because we'll need our strength for later."

"You're such a boy," she laughed, and Harry let the sound wash over him like a cool Spring breeze.

"How did the meeting with your client go?"

Harry cringed at the question. Leave it to Ginny to cut right to the heart of matters. But the sooner he talked through it all with her the sooner he could start showing her he could improve and become someone she could be proud of, someone she'd want to keep around.

Preferably forever.

"It went really well. I, er, well the client is an old friend, lives up north now."

"Really?" Ginny's voice was suddenly calm and level like you'd use to keep from spooking a kitten.

Harry sighed, he wasn't a frightened cat, just a broken man.

"Yes, he and I grew up together. I, er, I haven't seen him since there funeral for my family."

Ginny held out a bowl to him with a gentle smile. "Was it nice to see him in person again?"

Harry took the bowl and filled it, walked to the table and waited for Ginny to join him before continuing.

"Yes," he stirred his stew, "it was nice, the drive was good, stayed the night in a hotel. Neville is a psychologist now. I, well I wanted to talk to someone."

"There's nothing wrong with needing to talk to somebody, love." Ginny covered his free hand with her own.

"Yes, I get that, in theory." Harry took a deep breath. "Well, we talked, and he pointed out that I haven't grieved at all for my family, that I've locked myself off to feeling anything but anger about it all, that I was wrongfully accusing myself of their deaths, and that I need to stop."

Ginny squeezed his hand and Harry looked up to find nothing but love looking back at him.

"Can I help?"

It was so Ginny it made his heartache. He didn't deserve her, her love, her devotion, her caring. But dammit he wanted to!

"Just be patient with me. Nev said there will be days where I'll feel the grief more than others. But if I keep allowing myself to feel the emotions and work through them then it'll slowly get easier to move forward with my life."

"I can do that," Ginny grinned before taking a bite of stew.

Harry felt relief seep into his bloodstream and calm the nerves that had built up in him about talking this out with Gin. She didn't tell him to take a hike. She didn't point out what a stupid idiot he was. She held his hand and asked if she could help him.

He was one lucky prat.

And he decided to capitalize on the feeling. He pushed his bowl to the side and moved Gin's as well before renewing their earlier efforts with greater passion than he had before with the door open.

"Are you alright?" Ginny sighed into his ear as he moved his lips to her neck.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Harry whispered against her before realizing that she wasn't matching his passion with her own.

"Well, with everything you said, and with it being just yesterday, I thought…" Ginny trailed off as Harry slid his hand under her shirt.

"Gin," Harry chuckled, "I'm grieving, not dead."

Ginny laughed and relaxed into him, and it felt like home. Her hands in his hair, her lips on his skin, her soft sighs as his hands caressed her perfect body. Harry's resolve strengthened in that moment; all the pain was going to be worth it if it meant he kept this amazing creature with him. He was going to make himself worthy of her love. And then he was going to ask her to never leave.

"Harry," Ginny's voice pulled his conscious back.

He hummed against her skin, eager to return to the oblivion that only existed in her.

"I love you."

Harry pulled back and felt his chest tighten with emotion.

"I love you too," and he kissed her because he needed to show her how much he really did.

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