#way to make it about you Karen!

[tteokdoroki]

eren loves women period please don’t make it seem like someone’s fave wouldn’t like them because of their race

that’s crazy cuz he literally just hit my line sayin he lurrrrvs bwm so ??? 🫰🏾

[heartorbit]

the star you've longed for

[drrav3nb]

kastle + physical intimacy poem by perry poetry

[crispyjenkins]

mandalore the young cont.

original post/discussion here! it was just getting really long and i for one hate scrolling so far, so. here's this. have also added this au to my masterlist in my pinned post!

@malcontent-crow

#i had a whole wall of tags and it didnt save! lets try this again#i am loving this. the potential for world building and the consequences of knowing more than you should (literally)

#i had forgotten that DW wasnt in peoples thoughts as a threat during the Clan Wars#and the idea that Pre was so far underground with the movement is a very good thing to remember as well! #on one hand you have this driven and spirited young verd that is inspiring Clans to start reassessing who they are fighting and why#on the other you have this clanless outsider that knows waaaaay too much about all the potential major players and is saying#that this major threat isnt really as gone as everybody thought and hoped. sith parallels out the wahoo for ppor obi#and hes standing there watching them all argue over his head about this threat that he KNOWS needs to be dealt with#he is seeing himself as pretty on par or above with the Old Guard in terms of mental age or prowess or large scale battles#so he sees them doubt him maybe even to his face and knows he'll need to get things started on his own

#and becauae everything in the galaxay has at least one person watching it from the outside... how quickly does the news of a jedi padawan#going off the rails on this mission get out? whos keeping track and who points fingers at the jedi for attempting to control the outcome#of the war of their historical enemies in their favor? the senate (read sith) want mandalore defanged before their war but what does it look#like the jedi want? how does the council answer for his actions? do they condemn or condone him? do they try to stay out of it?

#the world building potential of the Manda and the Ka'ra is delicious.#what does it mean to be a mando or darmanda? can you walk around and have people look at you and know you have failed in your oaths?

#and ouch! Obi-Wan considering the fact that he has never been allowed to be his own person.#from padawan to knight/master and then a general and councilor and sheesh. hes really never had the chance to see who he is as a person#outside of his responsibilities to everybody around him and right now hes a war worn adult in a war worn teens body#hes always had somebody else there. as a battle companion a teacher a student as somebody to protect and guard and guide#and now he has this entire culture looking at him and waiting for his next move. and im guess it still feels like less than a burden than#the care and raising of an entire child on his own. sure he had the temple resources and other jedi to lean on but anakin always looked to#him first to solve any problem or teach him something new or cuddle him after nightmares as hes trying to hide his own dreams#and grief and flounding to find his footing as an independent adult

#so right now hes looking around at the entire mando population and realizing thats he might need to reshape himself again for somebody else#to make himself what others need and knowing he can and will do it if it means saving somebody else

#and when exactly did he come back from the war? did he have satine die in his arms and see the ruin that is madalore after a pacifist reign?#does he see the potential for that ruin to happen right now if he doesnt succeed? where does he see himself in regards to the jedi?#has he considered the consequences of stepping up to be the Mand'alor to this culture he has never seen as his own?#has he let himself think about the choices he needs to make and how some things you cant always come out the other side the same as before?

(following the trend of each of these getting longer, this has hit just under 5,000 words, so just a heads up lol? so much world building is happening in this one)

sorry you had to rewrite so much! that last exchange was cursed, it seems lmao

it's so easy to write Obi-Wan as prescient, or the route I'm going with in Dha Kar'ta, so i think it's a fun change-up to have him knowledgeable for completely different reasons! I'm actually going to avoid visions almost at all for this Obi, but everyone else certainly won't know the difference, and he doesn't tell them otherwise (though he won't encourage it either. I do actually have a Naruto time travel where Nart pretends to be psychic à la Shawn Spencer, so that isn't the route I wanna go for this Obi). the consequences of knowing too much, indeed

hmmm many of these questions depend on how deep into Jedi and galactic politics I wanna go, and I'm not sure it's very deep at all. or at least, not very dragged out. i'll explain in a mo

SO first: yes, this Obi is from after Satine dies, in 19 BBY, maybe a month or so after, but before the bombing of the Temple so before Ahsoka left the Order. He was back on the front, no time to properly mourn, though he was doing his best, and was meditating on the whole war, but especially the Sith and their hand in everything that happened on Mandalore. It went deeper than Maul, he knew, had been going on longer than Maul and even Dooku, and it occurred to Obi-Wan that the Sith either wanted a Mandalore that will side with them but not be too much a threat, or they wanted them not a threat at all. He realised his hand in that, in helping put the New Mandalorians on the throne that led to the demilitarisation of the entire sector. Obi-Wan had practically teed Mandalore up for Dooku and then Maul's interference, and if the Republic won the war, he could all too easily see them doing another excision. won't get too much into it to save it for the fic, but he is mediating with something beskar, and he gets a lil too deep into the Force, and of course this is post-Mortis so...... 👀

so this Obi-Wan, back in time, is helping Mandalore to prevent any more Sith machinations in the future, to change the future for the whole galaxy, but even before he's Chosen, he realises he's also doing all of this for Mandalore. for his own hand in its destruction, for the Jedi's hand in the Excision, for his personal connection to Satine drawing Maul to it. it's for atonement, for reparation, and also because Mandalore deserves to be saved, and Obi-Wan is in a place he can help do that. it isn't just about the health of the galaxy, anymore.

I usually shy away from having Obi-Wan leave the Order, no matter what AU I'm throwing him in because I believe in the fundamental goodness of the Order and the people in it, and Obi-Wan is fundamentally a Jedi, one of the best, one of the best. however, in this case, I don't think he can have his cake and eat it too. if Dooku had to leave the Order to accept his countship, then Obi-Wan would have to leave to become Mand'alor. Jedi are (supposed to be) politically neutral, and Obi-Wan is all too aware he'd nullified his own neutrality the moment he decided to go for Keldabe to find Jango.

one of my favorite... tropes? in time travel fic is Obi using his future fellow councilmembers' access codes to get into things he shouldn't, and he certainly knows how to work the Order's internal systems in his favor, so he

wait so i was gonna have him go in and tender his resignation from the Order directly into the systems, and backdate it for before the Mandalore mission, so that anything he's done on Mandalore so far cannot be blamed on the Jedi BUT WHAT IF he just. deletes himself. like completely. from admin to the Archives to the crèche's own internal systems to the Shadow's private servers, Obi-Wan Kenobi was never a Jedi, was never a Temple bastard, was never Qui-Gon Jinn's padawan. his mission records are all in Qui-Gon's name now, his medical file simply doesn't exist, his crècheling clan is listed as simply having been a person short compared to other clans that year. he goes so far as to delete comm histories with him or mentioning him, it's like Obi-Wan Kenobi just doesn't exist anymore.

he does this first thing after leaving Jango, he spends the entire week back to Mandalore ensuring he's been completely erased from absolutely anything relating to the Jedi, and then uses his future councilmember knowledge (and lessons from Quinlan) to erase himself from Republic systems, too. any planet he'd helped as a padawan will suddenly have no records of him as having been there with his master, so the senate or Order can't subpoena them for the info, though Obi-Wan knows he can't have gotten everything (such as any planet not in the Republic, or who don't have holonet access to their files, or both, like Melida/Daan), but he figures he's done enough to absolve the Order if anyone comes knocking about what he's doing.

he buries his lightsaber in the deserts of Mandalore, not knowing that in his old future, he'd have done the same on Tatooine.

so as far as the Jedi are aware: Obi-Wan went on a mission with Qui-Gon that (predictably) went to hell, got separated from his master for weeks to months, then suddenly changed, at the same time their Jedi with the highest prescience collapsed due to his visions, which have also changed. Obi-Wan left Qui-Gon behind to hightail it through the Mandalore sector, and Qui-Gon couldn't catch up or find him, and then Obi-Wan disappeared from anyone's radars for two weeks. then Qui-Gon senses him reenter the Mandalore system, right before breaking his training bond with him, and the Order wakes up to Obi-Wan completely erased from their systems like he never existed in the first place. everything is going so so wrong, and yet. and yet.

and yet the Force is telling them all that this is right, that this is the least Dark course of action, that whatever Obi-Wan is doing is indeed the Will of the Force

so the Order mourns one of their own, and tells Qui-Gon to let him go. and then the Order ups their cyber security because what.

i think he leaves an unsigned letter/comm message for a few people. Bant, Quinlan, Mace, Feemor, his old crèchemaster, Yoda, maybe Jocasta Nu. it's short, basically thanking them for their hand in his upbringing (Feemor hasn't even met him before so is very confused by this), apologising for leaving abruptly, but to follow the Will of the Force, he had to leave; the first part of the message is all the same, but ends with little individual notes. he apologises to Madam Nu for fucking with her archives and hopes she can one day forgive him; he asks her to keep her friends close and to mend the tension between her and Dooku, that Obi-Wan should not know about. He tells Yoda that the future is always in motion but they must move with it; he asks Yoda to meditate on his dwindling lineages and learn to accept all that he cannot control. He reminds Quinlan to wear his gloves and asks him to thank Tholme for looking out for him when Qui-Gon wouldn't or didn't; he thanks him for their years together, and asks him to check in on Feemor every now and then. He apologises to Mace for all the shatter-points he likely caused and will continue to cause, and suggests he put a permanent reminder in his comm to remember to refill his migraine prescription that sixteen year-old Obi should not know about. He asks Bant to look out for a young Togruta initiate that will join in seven years, and suggests Bant might like the healer track rather than the knight corps; he thanks her for being his longest and most dearly-held friend. He thanks his crèchemaster for realising his visions were more than dreams (which will inadvertently lend credence to that theory for why Obi-Wan changed so suddenly), for supporting him when Bruck was at his nastiest, and for always being someone he could turn to even after he became a padawan. For Feemor, Obi-Wan apologises that they hadn't had the chance to meet before then, and for the relationship they won't have anymore; Feemor has no idea who this message is from, until he starts hearing the gossip that Obi-Wan Kenobi has left the Order again. He too mourns never getting to know his padawan brother.

and Obi-Wan sends Qui-Gon a message, of course, thanking him for his teachings, apologising for "leading him on" as an apprentice, leaving and coming back so many times only to permanently leave this time. he reminds Qui to reach out to his friends and his support system, asks him to at least consider talking to a mind or soul healer about Xanatos (knowing that once it gets out that Obi-Wan is a planetary leader, it will likely badly trigger Qui-Gon), and asks him to at least try and mend his relationship with Dooku, though understands if that's not something Qui-Gon is willing to do. asks him to keep Satine safe, but to deeply think about why the Republic is so intent on helping her faction, and why Qui-Gon had questioned so little of the New Mandalorian ethos.

so by the time Obi-Wan finds the Old Guard, he's broken from the Order completely, has buried his saber, has broken his training bond, has cut his braid. I think he shaves his head entirely to let it grow out at the same rate, because the padawan cut is *Eliot Spencer voice* Very Distinctive. he paints his armour white for, yes, his men, his vod'e, but also for cin vhetin. he can't be the man he was before, nor the teen he was before, neither are who Mandalore needs, and as long as he can stay true to his morals and upbringing, he will be what Mandalore needs him to be.

okay now onto the Manda vs. the Ka'ra vs. the Force. the Force is a scientific concept of an energy connecting absolutely everything in the universe, and the Jedi have a religious view on the scientific concept. for both purposes, the Force just is. I really like the idea of other non-Jedi ideas just being different aspects of the Force, different religions and cultures based on the same scientific concepts. for Mandalorians, their "aspect" of the Force is the Manda, the collective souls of every Mando'ade that's ever marched on. just what it means to be Mando'ade has varied greatly through history, and is varied between different groups even now, but none of that changes what the Manda is, which is an aspect of the Force only Mando'ade can touch. sort of like their beliefs of it being separate from the Force have made it so?

now I haven't really talked about this before, but from the beginning of me writing Mandalorian related things, i've separated Ka'ra from ka'ra, which was a little bit me misremembering there was another term for "stars", and then it became it's own thing. kar, meaning "star", with it's plural kar'e or kare, to me, means physical stars, the way we'd call our sun a star. ka'ra, uncapitalised, is the more poetic and/or spiritual "stars", the way we might say something is "written in the stars", which actually aligns with how jate'kara is spelled; for my writing, i've used this form for Mandalorian Force-sensitives being Star-touched ka'ra-touched. Ka'ra, capitalised, is that "ruling council of fallen kings", the Mandalorian myth and it, the way I've always interpreted it, is a separate part of the Manda made up of specifically the souls of every Mand'alor already marched on. So, Tor Vizsla could have joined the Manda after death, but not the Ka'ra; make sense? all that ka'ra vs Ka'ra worldbuilding was done very early in my writing for star wars, and has since expanded to include the idea of the Manda as something separate, and I would now actually consider Manda-touched over Star-touched to describe Force sensitive Mando'ade, because that's really what I think Mandalorians would consider causes their supernatural powers: ancestors rather than the stars.

so what does that mean for this fic? the Manda is directly influenced by all those that consider themselves Mandalorian, Force-sensitive or not. it is, however, not affected by New Mandalorians, unless they worship the Manda in some facsimile, and I think many, many, many do not, not the way they were raised to. this worship looks different for every clan and every individual, and I've always interpreted it as more of a broad spiritual practice across the whole culture rather than a religion, per se, the way a real-world broader culture might pray at shrines at New Years even if individuals themselves or their family aren't religious. this is what I'm referencing when I say the Will of the People: the alive Mando'ade and their choices and emotions affecting and influencing the Manda, the collective amalgamation of every passed-on Mando'ade, and it's when these two are in tandem that they "pick" a Mand'alor. HOWEVER, such a pick is also up to the Ka'ra, the Mand'alor'e that have all marched on; to one day enter the Ka'ra themselves, a Mand'alor must be "picked" by both the People/the Manda, and the Ka'ra. Tor would be "picked" by a significant part of the People and the Manda, and so would Jaster have been, but (according to me, myself, and i, obviously), only Jaster had been chosen by the Ka'ra. Pre is "Mand'alor" only in name, only in a tenuous loyalty existing in House Vizsla and Death Watch, not even by the Manda; just simple human (et al) loyalty. Jango had a weaker "pick" from the Manda than Jaster did, but was picked by the Ka'ra, meaning if he did not declare himself dar'manda (even just internally; I don't think he's ever said it out loud), he would have joined the Ka'ra after death; if he ever reconnects with himself as a Mandalorian, I like to think he'd have that chance again. Canon Jango, though, who went on to make the clones? Absolutely not.

what does this all mean for Obi-Wan? he'd spent weeks inadvertently drumming up support in the people and therefore the Manda, and maybe most haven't really looked at him and thought "sure I'd follow him as Mand'alor", but they have looked at him and thought "that one has mandokar, that one wants what's best for Mandalore, that one is touched by destiny". I dunno, man, like. Obi-Wan is their hope before he is their leader. That will make all the difference when he does end up uniting them. His searching out Jango had made Jango finally confront that he feels dar'manda, until then he hadn't really lost the Ka'ra's support, but that severs that connection. and now the Ka'ra are without a Mand'alor, but look at that, there's a mandokar'la little idiot right there, already strong in the Manda, already rallying hope and purpose, already so invested in the nurturing and the future of Mandalore, how could the Ka'ra not choose him?

I posed the question previously whether or not Mando'ade can tell who has been chosen to be Mand'alor, and I think I've ironed out what that'll mean for this fic. non-Force sensitive Mando'ade will have this sense when near their Mand'alor, a subconscious and inherent trust in them, and indeed, some will be disturbed by this and fight it. that's alright, that's their right. Some never clock this extra sense, some are aware of it always, some just chalk it up to "gut feelings" and the like. The more spiritual or religious Mandos maybe put a little more stock in this feelings, I think especially goran'e and other spiritual leaders, but the fact that the Manda can technically pick more than one person at a time (like Tor and Jaster, and then Jango), this extra sense isn't a perfect indicator of a properly chosen Manda'lor.

now. what about Force sensitive Mando'ade? Well, the Manda is an aspect of the Force, and is in fact how said Force sensitive Mando'ade connect to the Force, by going through the Manda, first. their relationship with sensitivity is inherently different from others in the galaxy, at least those that connect to it directly. they are the ones that can sense or see if someone is chosen by the Ka'ra, depending on their sensitivity. Some see the ghostly line of previous Mand'alor'e stretched out behind them (like the Avatar cycle lmao), some see a wavering crown of stars around their head, some just sense there is a duplicity (/neutral) to their Force presence that doesn't exist in anyone else. how common is Force sensitivity in Mandalorian space? not fuckin very. Jaster had three in his entire faction of aprox. 2 million (fanon number), at least that were aware they were sensitive. Jango only had a few more, and only because he had gained a couple hundred thousand more followers before Galidraan. so i'll make the nearly-arbitrary number that Force sensitive Mandos are 1 in 1,000,000, across the entire sector. by some calculations, in the whole galaxy at around the time of the Clone Wars the number of Force sensitives is 1 in 5,000,000 but these calculations do not generally include societies and species with a near or 100% chance of Force sensitivity, because we simply don't have the data for it. does this all make Mandos slightly more likely to be Force sensitive than others, by my own numbers? sorta. which i'm making an issue of underreporting, based on Mandalore not being a part of the Republic, and also contention with the Jedi and Sith; they don't consider those Manda-touched to be Force sensitive, and with the way I've built this, they aren't exactly wrong.

for the purposes of this story, there are maybe eight Manda-touched Mando'ade in the Mandalore system at this time, and all but one are goran'e. that single non-armorer is part of the Old Guard. I have the roster for the Old Guard decided, so I'm debating whether the Manda-touched one is Cort Davin (a journeyman protector), or one of the women. Instinct wants Vhonte Tervho, but I have plans for her to be related to the goran Obi-Wan got his armour done by, who I wanted to be one of the seven Force sensitive armorers, soooo. lmao how fucked would it be if Isabet Reau is the Force sensitive one? I like the angst of that, since I definitely do not plan on redeeming her, but I kind of want the only Old Guard that can sense Obi-Wan is Chosen by the Ka'ra to be really quiet and accepting of it, while everyone else is arguing. hmmm I have an unnamed Wren as part of the Guard, that I haven't fleshed anything out for yet; perhaps them?

okay I think I've solidified what it makes a Mandalorian, at least for the function of this fic. it is tied to the Resol'nare, and following it, which does allow those who had Chosen Tor Vizsla as their Mand'alor to technically still be following the Resol'nare, and are therefore not dar'manda. at least not for that. but part of the reason the Resol'nare is even able to determine who has a Mandalorian soul, is because they believe it does. Those alive and those dead influence the functionality and reality of the Manda, which also allows for those pre-Resol'nare to still exist in the Manda. What causes someone to become dar'manda, if they are technically following the Resol'nare?

maybe it's reductive, or over-simplified, or maybe even too broad, but it makes sense to me and allows for many many different types of people to still fail, and this is obviously not the only way to become dar'manda, but one thing that will always strip someone of their Mando soul? treatment of children. caring for children. not harming children. this allows many of Death Watch to still maintain their Mando souls, but still be fucked up awful people in other ways. It allows even True Mandalorians to have lost their souls and not realised it because they otherwise adhered to the Resol'nare, because they'd chosen to interpret "defending oneself and family" and "raising your children as Mandalorians" to not include other peoeple's children. Or maybe they were abusive in the belief they were caring for their children. This would also make every single one of the Cuy'val Dar dar'manda, which I think is a fascinating concept.

to answer your question directly, no, one cannot look at someone and know they're dar'manda, even the Force/Manda sensitive ones. one will only know in death, whether or not they have a place in the Manda.

NOW what does this mean for New Mandalorians?? well, by technicality and the way I've set the Manda up, one can interpret the Resol'nare in ways that could align with New Mandos. Perhaps they interpret "armour" as more than specifically "beskar'gam", maybe they wear armourweave or other protective fabrics. Maybe they interpret "defending one's family" as putting down arms instead of raising them, in order to create a peaceful future for their children. I think there are plenty of New Mandos that technically tick off all the boxes, and believe in themselves and their fellows so much that the Manda is like "yeah sure why not, we'll make that count". I think some tenants are more easily... bent, like swearing to the duchy in place of the Mand'alor, but I think an easy one New Mandos miss, is "speak Mando'a." I think many New Mandos were all too quick to switch to Basic for everything except religious and spiritual ceremonies, and I think those already in the Manda would find that very hard to forgive. I actually get into this a little in Dha Kar'ta very soon, but for this fic, i'll have Satine not outright outlawing Mando'a, but it is socially heavily discouraged. you're not allowed to speak it in the palace unless in aforementioned ceremonies, you cannot fill out paperwork in anything but Basic, you're not allowed to use Mando'a titles (including Mand'alor), you're not allowed to teach it to your children. no outright like. punishments for speaking it in public, but if your kids are caught, there are repercussions, including investigation into how else you're raising your kids, and if you're found to be doing anything else, they can take your kids from you. not every New Mando agrees with this, of course, and go about adhering to the Resol'nare as best they can in secret, but so many do give up the language by convincing themselves it's not as important as the other tenants and, well, the duchy hasn't steered them all wrong yet, has it?

okay so on the subject of what the outside galaxy is seeing. I like the headcanon/trope/idea of like. the one thing all factions of Mandalorians agreeing on is fuck everyone else. oh, the New Mandos will emulate the Core and the Republic, but they aren't the Republic nor want to be, and this animosity extends to keeping as many internal Mandlorian issues just that: internal. no faction can keep news from leaving the system or the sector, obviously, but there also isn't a lot of interest in Mandalorian news? "oh look all the Mandos are fighting again", except that's been the standard for like. actual thousands of years. I like when fic have people outside the sector not evening knowing there are different factions, so I'll be doing that here, too, and I like the idea of non-Republic sectors having their own holonets, separate from the Republic one. so like, if Obi-Wan happens to go a little viral during his mad dash to Keldabe, that would be on the Mandalorian holonet, not the Republic one, so even if Obi-Wan was visibly still a Jedi (and he wasn't), actual news of him wouldn't reach the Mid and Inner Rims until like. possible years after it happens.

could this maybe be expedited by Sith machinations? absolutely, though I'm not sure I want to go that route, since I don't think the Sith are overmuch interested in Mandalore at this point, at least not in any hands-on capacity. I'm unclear on whether them funding Death Watch is fanon or not, but it is a headcanon I subscribe to, and I think they'd have stopped funding DW after Galidraan, to cause worse infighting and prevent DW from gaining enough power to actually restart their imperial conquering days. Palpatine has been senator for about ten years by this point, but has very little political power overall, and Demask would be looking basically anywhere but Mandalore at this point in time, both of them having written it off until they actively need something from the sector. if anyone had clocked Obi-Wan as a Jedi, this all would have gone very differently, news would have spread much further and quicker and I think undoubtedly would have reached Palpatine, but since I have Obi-Wan just... cutting ties to anything Jedi, news of him remains in-sector. is this perhaps unrealistic? maybe, but I kind of want to focus on Mandalore and not worry about galactic-wide politics for once, lmao, actually very much like Obi-Wan is doing. however, he will clock a lack of Sith interference and thinks That's Very Weird.

haven't decided how he finds Palpatine out yet, but I think it'll have to do with his Manda senses being different than his Force ones, maybe the Ka'ra even gives him a few tips or gifts to sense Sith since they've allied and fought with them so much in the past. regardless, that'll be after he's become Mand'alor and united the clans.

now to actual plot progression! Obi-Wan meets up with the Old Guard, they don't know what to make of him other than "he's kriffing weird. and young. and creepy. and probably Manda-touched." whatever other verd is Manda-touched will see him blessed by the Ka'ra, which causes them to look inwards more closely and realise they trust Obi-Wan inexplicably, which means they're blessed by the Manda and the Will of the People, too. they wonder if Obi-Wan has noticed, if any of the other Old Guard have noticed. they are one of a few that notice Obi-Wan sneaking back out while everyone is arguing.

Vhonte Tervho is another. She's at this lil summit to represent clan Tervho, tho isn't the clan head, because her ba'vodu, a Manda-touched goran, had sensed she needed to be at the summit. said ba'vodu is of course the armorer who reforged Obi-Wan's armour (need to find a name for them hmm), who had told their clan they were to cease fighting until their new Mand'alor called on them. Vhonte sees Obi-Wan, realises at the same time as everyone that he's the Kih'Manda, the Mand'ika that the entire system had been gossiping about for weeks, and she thinks of what her ba'vodu said. she looks inwards, like they had taught her to, and finds, yes, she trusts Obi-Wan, just like she used to trust Jango. And, well, her Mand'alor is obviously leaving to go do something, and she isn't going to let him go it alone.

the Manda-touched verd doesn't go with them, wanting to see what comes of this, but they already know Obi-wan is Ka'ra Chosen. they will come when he calls.

[blackmageeljin]

Y'all I am so fucking tired.

Me: vents about being shit on by doctors and struggling with ND symptoms in public

People: UM!!! AKTUALLY THAT IS NOW HOW YOU TALK ABOUT AUTISM! YOU ARE USING THE WRONG WORDS!!! LIKE I AM SO SORRY ITS HARD FOR YOU BUT UR MAKING IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE WITH REALER DISORDERS :(((((

Me sitting here, not autistic and never once mentioning autism but with several other ND diagnoses that don't get taken seriously because US culture is a shit show and it doesn't exist if they've never heard of it, am never allowed to self advocate and constantly shut out of both NT and ND spaces for not fitting into the boxes people want, staring at the camera like I am on the office on the verge of tears.

Yes internet, people can 'go nonverbal', it is a real phrase for real symptoms and not just a term for someone permanently mute! No it is not 'just a meltdown' and calling an autistic person's symptoms 'just' anything is completely self defeating anyway, and so is saying I can't use the phrase nonverbal anymore because I have shown improvement in my conditions over the course of decades of hard work! I fucking HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

"yes im so fine"

*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*

[formosusiniquis]

Role Swap AU where Chrissy Cunningham is the queen bee of Hawkins High. She’s bitchy and a little cruel and she runs around town with Tammy Thompson and Tammy’s boyfriend Jason. Everyone hates her, they love her, they want her, they want to be her. And Chrissy has set her sights on Jonathan Byers, the only guy in school who seemingly does not even remotely care about who she is or what she’s doing, she’s obsessed. She’s not used to having to make the first move, usually boys come to her and she decides who is worth her time, it’s a process this change in dynamic. So when Jonathan’s friend Nancy’s little brother goes missing she has her opening. She invites Jonathan and Nancy and Nancy’s friend Barb -- that she never goes anywhere without -- to a party, just to get their mind off of things. It’ll be fun.

Nancy doesn’t go, “She just doesn’t know how to let loose and have a little fun Jonny,” is Chrissy’s answer, “it’s so sweet that you brought Barb though I bet she never gets invited to parties like this.” Cause mean girl shit is always just a little different than mean boy shit. Barb still goes missing. Chrissy and Jonathan don’t sleep together but he does stay the night.

Meanwhile Will Byers has a lot going on. His best friend is missing, his mom just got remarried and now he has a sister that people keep calling his twin, and Max found a boy in the woods with a number tattooed on his arm. He likes Jane, they were friends long before Mom started dating her Dad but he doesn’t like that all of a sudden he’s supposed to act like they’re some big happy family. Luckily his Mom is still adjusting to housing and feeding two more people and Dus(ten) can hide out in the attic and Will can sneak food up to him without it being too suspicious. Dustin has weird powers, keeps tapping into the radio his Mom leaves on or accidentally making his walkie talkie pick up Hopper’s police radio.

Karen Wheeler is on her last fucking leg. Her son is missing, her baby boy, and Ted’s only suggestion for help is to keep plying her with uppers so she can stay awake longer wondering when her son is going to be home. Things come to a head when she faints in the grocery store, she’d been light headed all day and something about reaching for Mike’s favorite cereal had her giving way completely. When she comes to, she's staring up at Claudia Henderson, such a lovely woman, a nurse at Hawkins General she set Mike’s arm after he’d had an accident playing with Ted. She asks if she can go with Karen to search the woods again for Mike. Rounded curves, rounded smile, Karen can’t believe that someone believes her that something has taken her boy.

Nancy Wheeler just won’t stay out of Chrissy’s fucking way. She’s asking questions and poking her button fucking nose into everything. And what’s worse now she’s stealing her fucking boyfriend. Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe she’s let Tammy get too far into her head, but it’s a little satisfying ripping up her stupid little notebook.

Dustin can feel Mike Wheeler. Can feel that boy in the bad place who loves his friends and his dragons and his Mom. Dustin keeps trying to get to him, and his new friend Will keeps telling him to stop making all the radios in the house scream and fuzz.

Her head aches. She’s tired. Coffee is safer than those little pills that Ted keeps giving her. A new bottle every time he finds something he doesn’t like in the house. Dinner is late, more pills. The pillows in his chair are flat, more pills. They stare at her but they leave her unfocused and jittery. She has to be focused. Mike is so close, she can feel him. Claudia doesn’t judge her, but Karen can see the way she looks at those little bottles. So different from the way she looks at the lite-brites that are spread across the basement.

It’s not a smear campaign. Not when perfect little Nancy Wheeler is cornering her boyfriend in the dark room. It’s just the truth, Chrissy knows the kind of stuff she’s gotten up to in the dark room, or the kind of things she wanted to get up to if she weren’t worried about getting called a slut. Maybe Nancy should have worried a little bit more about optics and a little bit less about getting to the bottom of things, she’s a reporter shouldn’t she know how vicious the rumor mill can be. The sight of a pistol tucked into a pocket book, the feeling of well manicured nails against her cheek make her think for the first time that maybe she shouldn’t have let Tammy convince her to write rumors on the bathroom wall. 

Dustin says he can get Mike back. That the body they saw in the quarry wasn’t real. Will believes even if Jane and Max are skeptical.

Chrissy goes to the Wheeler house, she’s turned the tides of the rumor mill. Tammy has become a tonedeaf, jealous bitch -- and one of those things is true -- and Nancy has become the victim. Jonathan is there, and she tries to convince herself that there was nothing to worry about until he’s shoving her out the door telling her to run to get out. She does. She doesn’t. There’s a monster in the Wheeler house, it crawls from the basement.

And so it goes.

Then Claudia finds a rain soaked boy in the woods. He’s so small. She takes him home.

Then the Sinclairs move in down the road from Chrissy. A sweet family, it’s hard though to see a family with two small children moving in when she knows there are monsters in the world now. She tries to pretend that everything is normal, but the strain is there, and whether it’s her or Jon things are going bad. It’s hard to blame Nancy Wheeler for it this time.

There’s something wrong with Mike. Something is wrong with her baby. It’s so fortunate that Claudia is a nurse. She’s been cutting back on her shifts at the hospital, but she had told Karen that she could call anytime.

The shoe drops. Jonathan is sweet when he ends things, but Chrissy has never been one to let things go without a fight. She’s prepared to apologize. To ask for one more shot. When a red head with an attitude grabs her. She’s pretty sure her dog ate her step brother and Chrissy seems more capable than Hopper. Next thing she knows she’s got the Byers-Hopper kids, Max, and the neighbor kid from up the road hiding in the back of a bus while she tries her best to backhand spring her way into knowing how to swing a softball bat. Max’s dog looks an awful lot like the monster from the Wheeler basement.

And so it goes.

The summer comes and Chrissy needs to get away from her mom. She gets a job at the mall, but she’s waited so long the only places hiring are in the food court, absolutely not happening, and the record store. The record store where she ends up working with Eddie ‘the Freak’ Munson.

Eddie didn’t plan to work at the mall, he didn’t want to work at this neon colored capitalist hellscape, but if he gets busted for possession one more time he’s not sure that Hopper is going to look the other way. The record store is hiring at least, he plans on taking full advantage of the employee discount this summer. Then Queen Chrissy walks in in all of her Ralph Lauren Gap glory.

Chrissy was not a good person in high school, she knows that, but she put her head so far down last year that she managed to graduate early. The hostility coming off of her new coworker is a lot more than she expected. He’s started a board to count the number of times a guy comes in to hit on her and critiques each one ruthlessly. Nerd, jock, and tragic each category has several tallies in it. Maybe it’s the popular kid solidarity or maybe she is becoming a bigger person through the power of babysitting, she feels bad that Steve Harrington is the only one who ends up getting included in the Tragic category. He comes in a lot in his tiny blue Scoops uniform but he hasn’t tried to talk to her once.

Unexpected as it seems, Queen Chrissy is apparently the founding member of the Hawkins chapter of the babysitters club. It’s a never ending parade of children marching through the door and demanding to see her. The Byers boy is his favorite, but the Wheeler kid that had gone missing a couple years ago always has a haunted look on his face. The little curly haired one with the gap teeth seemed to startle her when he came running by, he’s loud and has no sense of what should be an inside thought and not an outside thought, but once he assures her that his mom knows where he is she’s letting him and the oldest Sinclair in through the back to sneak into the movies.

Something weird is coming in through the radio Dustin tricked out with his powers for her. It’s picking up a lot more than the rock station from Indianapolis. Max knows Chrissy will be able to help, she doesn’t expect her new neighbor to be working with her babysitter but she’s heard the shit he gets into at night he should at least be able to figure out if she’s just picking up a radio station all the way in Russia. She brings Erica with her, Lucas has been weird lately hanging out with Dustin a lot lately and ignoring her. She’s not jealous but if he’s gonna hang out with other people she can gossip with his younger sister.

And so it goes.

She’s got no right to be jealous. She is though. Who the hell does Robin Buckley think she is, stealing her kids. All Max can talk about is how cool Robin is. How she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. How she’s in the band. How she’s going to teach Max how to play the drums. Oh Chrissy, did you know that Robin speaks three languages? Chrissy, Robin’s gonna teach us how to say Italian curse words. Robin stood up to Jason for us. Robin, Robin, Robin. Who the fuck is this girl who can just swoop in an make her kids fall all over themselves to sing her praises. They don’t even like Eddie this much and he’s a DnD playing rocker with an unlimited stash of weed. But somehow a band nerd whose only friend is second year senior Steve Harrington has her kids wrapped around her stupid finger.

The last thing Eddie Munson ever expected was to stumble on Steve Harrington lurking at skull rock. Or at least not lurking alone. He startles when he sees Eddie, not fear, just surprise. There’s something desperate and haunted in his eyes when he looks up at Eddie. And then the captain of every team of Hawkins high is begging, begging for Eddie to hand over anything he’s got that will make him forget he’s even a person. He doesn’t deal anymore, not really. He’s promised Wayne and Chrissy and Red and even Karen fucking Wheeler that he would stop. Sticking to stuff that nature provides doesn’t feel like lying. Eddie really doesn’t want to leave someone as fucked up as Steve here alone. It doesn’t hurt that he’s pretty and that shaky little laugh that Eddie manages to pull from him. It’s only a little lie when he tells Steve Harrington to meet him at the trailer park after the game.

One more thing Chrissy can’t stand about Robin, she’s somehow got Eddie attending a basketball game. They’re all there to support Lucas but normally it’s a fight to get the nerdiest of them in the stands. Sure he’s spending more time looking at Steve Harrington, warming the stands with the rest of them now, than he is at Buckley but she knows the band geek is at fault here somehow. She’s really trying to not be a bitch about it but maybe jealousy like her hair and her eyes is just one more wretched thing she got from her mother.

Steve Harrington is floating, and not in the way people usually claim to when they come to Eddie. His eyes are blank and unseeing and Eddie is sure that he’s about to watch the once captain of the basketball team die right in front of him. Then Robin Buckley, screaming and inconsolable and inexplicably in the passenger seat, bumps the radio in her frantic rush to get to her best friend. Bowie starts blaring from the speakers, the neighbors dog starts barking, Max comes out of her trailer and screams. Then Steve Harrington falls out of the sky.

If she could get one thing out of life it would be to finally be free of the Upside Down. But instead she’s in a fiery red hellscape with her ex boyfriend, her platonic soulmate, her arch nemesis, and the human embodiment of a golden retriever. Insult to injury, injury being the giant fucking chunk missing from her side -- maybe now her mom will lay off for a bit, surely now she’s at goal weight -- and the insult being how hot Robin looks covered in the barest hints of demo blood. Even if she won’t shut up about rabies.

Steve is handling this much better than Eddie did the first time. Bouncing around literal hell, sticking very close to his side. It makes him feel a little braver, this beautiful boy looking at him like he’s an action star. He just hopes they all make it out this time. He’s got a bad feeling.

And so it goes.

Steve Harrington is probably going to be hard of hearing for the rest of his life, blood leaking from his ears and left arm broken in two places by the time they take care of Vecna. Robin lost a chunk of her large intestine -- and half a tit, let’s really focus on the important things here Cunningham, I was already only a B cup. But they’re both alive. They’re all alive. Eddie’s been posted up by Steve’s bedside, slowly and patiently teaching a prep sign language, something he wouldn’t have even thought about doing a couple months ago.

Chrissy, the most oblivious bisexual that Eddie has ever had the misfortune of trauma bonding with, has fallen ass over tit for Robin Buckley and refuses to do anything about it. It’d be sweet if it weren’t so goddamn sad. They’re holding hands on Robin’s hospital bed, laughing at a soap that’s playing on the TV. Until Steve screws his face up into the most intimidating little jock scowl he can, a look that doesn’t work as well outside of the locker filled halls of Hawkins High, and demands she stop stringing along his best friend. Robin looks mortified but the challenge lights something up in the late Queen Cunningham. She sets her sights on Robin now. Chrissy Cunningham may not be queen anymore, but she’s still a little bitchy and she always gets what she wants.

[trashogram]

🖤

[aflawedfashion]

I groaned at the writing of the 19 year old with too many ideals and not enough life experience, but there's a perspective shift in episode 3, so when we see her again, she's not a cringy character anymore

[shhh-secret-time]

To be honest, stardew valley has me in such a chokehold. It always has, even before the 1.6.

In such a way that my brain wants to smash my hyperfixation into it. So late at night I'll be awake thinking of this stardew/south park mashup.

Call that bad boy Star Park AU.

But no brain! Bad! We already have too much going on! You have a Secret Soulmate AU. Fantasy AU, A Cowboy AU story staring Kenny that's still in the outline phase, and these one shots!

(Look at the tags to watch me descent into madness)

[sspiderj]

karen wheeler defender till the day i die

[yesokayiknow]

cannot believe that in 2007 the eighth doctor adventures writers just decided to put toxic yuri in their show. they did that for me

[daddy-long-legssss]

me after three days of in-person meetings and team-building activities.

[enbysiriusblack]

mean girls! emmeline, lily, and marlene

[phoenixwrites]

I'm just saying, we'd find it creepy if Ted Wheeler started flirting with Heather Holloway so I don't see why Karen Wheeler gets a pass on flirting with Billy.

[thedevotionaltour]

karen is MY special white woman. my problematic fave. because i understand why she sucks. i think in order to be allowed to be a karen fan you have to actually understand why she sucks. if you don't understand why she sucks then you're a bad karen fan i think.