#was this too harsh?

[abiatackerman]

Your son: What are unholy things?

Zeke: Why don't you ask your dad? He does a lot of unholy things to your mom.

Levi: Mind your language in front of my son if you don't wanna get chopped by me. You bearded piece of shit!

Son: Dad you're not supposed to say that! That's a horrible thing to say.

Zeke: (mocking chuckle) Being a father must be fun, you can take lessons from your son

Levi: Too bad you'll never experience the fun. Since no female would like to put your kid in their ovaries.

Zeke:.......

Wanna laugh more? Checkout the masterlist of Funny Minishots hopefully they'll make you laugh too!

[inbabylontheywept]

my grandpa was a good man. and it really wasnt his fault - recreationally lying to kids is a proud family tradition - but he told me, once, that cutting a worm in half resulted in two worms.

i think he said it so i'd be more morally okay with fishing? i actually dont remember the context.

point was, he told me this, and he understimated (by a very large margin) how much i liked worms. i was a worm boy. very wormy. and after hearing that, i went home, and i dug through the garden, flipped over every rock, did everything i could to gather as many worms as i could, and then i uh.

i cut them all in half. every worm i could find. all of them. with scissors.

i then took this pile of split worms, and i put them in a box with a bit of lettuce and some water and stuff and went to bed expecting to double my worms overnight. i have math autism, so i had a vague understanding that if i did this just a few times in a row, i would eventually have a completely unreasonable amount of worms.

i was very excited to become this plane's worm emperor.

(i think i was...six?)

anyway, i did not become the inheritor of the worm crown. i instead woke up to a box of dead worms and cried. a lot. i got diagnosed with panic attacks as a teenager, but i think i had them as a kid, i just had no idea what they were. i was kind of processing that a.) i had killed what i had assumed was every single worm in my yard, and thus would have no more worms, and b). i was going to like, worm hell.

(six year babylon spent a lot of time worrying about god.)

so i kind of freaked out, and i climbed a tree, because god can only smite you if you're touching the ground (?) and i sat up there mostly inconsolable until my mom came out and asked, hey, what's up? what happened?

so i explained to her that i had killed all of the worms, forever, and was also Damned, and she took me to the compost pile, and we dug for all of five seconds and found like twenty more worms.

the compost pile was full of worms.

she then told me that a). there were more worms, and we could put them back under rocks and stuff and recolonize our yard and b). that one day, i would die, and go to heaven, and be able to talk to the worms face to face. that i'd be able to tell them all that i was very sorry, and that i killed them on accident, driven only by excessive Love, and that she was positive they would forgive me because worms have six hearts and no malice.

at that point, i think i was sixty percent tear-snot by weight, and i had no choice but to gather enough worms that i could hug them. which my mom helped with. and then after that she helped me put some worms back under each rock.

and for my epilogue: i spent a significant portion of my childhood in trees. and for many years after, even when my mom didnt know i was watching, i would catch her giving the space under the rocks a light spritz with the hose. not because she loved worms.

but because she loved me.

[ave661]

[lucabyte]

On autonomy, and what it means to be Obliged to Help.

Bonus:

[bee-sidebranch]

gourmrolllll

reblog to gourmroll your mutuals <3

[vashievoidz]

I'm pissed off to see that Palestine is not trending on here. I know that we all have interests we want to talk about, but this week is another global strike, Palestine should be the number one trending, and it's not even number 10. You can put aside your interests for one week. Bisan and so many others are begging us to use our voices to pressure our governments to put an end to this genocide. MILLIONS of people are counting on us, PLEASE don't look away no matter how upset and tired you are. We have the luxury of being able to just put our phones down and going off to do something to feel better. But just this once, for ONE WEEK, you can put aside your discomfort and SPEAK UP. How many people have to die for you to care.

[shinynewmemories]

Listen to me Suzanne Collins did not have to give Katniss and Peeta a history before the games. She did NOT have to do that. She could have just had their story begin when Peeta's name was called. She could have had them be total strangers until the moment of the reaping.

Like: "And the boy tribute is... Peeta Mellark!" Katniss: Who's that? Or she could have made them vaguely familiar with each other! Peeta's name is called and Katniss just thinks, Oh, I know that name! He's in my class, actually. Poor boy... Anyway!

Either way, SC could have written the rest of the story exactly the same! I think many authors would have done that! Because if Peeta's purpose in the book was to be Gale's competition, to be one of the 3 corners of a love triangle, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY TO DO IT!! But that's NOT how she did it because that's NOT what Peeta is.

And who is he? To Katniss, Peeta's someone who saved her and her family and received nothing in return except a beating. Peeta's someone she has had her eye on but has never worked up the courage to talk to. Peeta's someone she associates with kindness and hope. And all this before the start of the events of the book! Just because WE, the READERS, met Gale before Peeta and immediately felt a connection with him does NOT mean that was Katniss's experience! And that's what SC is trying to tell us!

To dismiss Katniss and Peeta's past as unimportant or inconsequential compared to whatever Katniss and Gale have in the present is to fundamentally misunderstand Katniss as a character and, as a result, condemn oneself to never fully understand the choices she makes in the future.

Suzanne Collins wrote it that way on purpose because she had something to say. And no one will ever be able to convince me that something wasn't "It was always going to be Peeta".

[mmmwafflesart]

perhaps...skyward sword zelda? 🙇‍♂️ or midna!

both...

[diabloku]

bed hair (feat. depression ™)

[dorkydiaz]

Rwrb Marketing: enemies to lovers!

Rwrb in reality: absolute fucking idiots to lovers

[bread-wizards]

I actually think Dorian and Orym should fight more.

Remember when their slowly building tension over and entire episode (full of passive aggressive remarks and blame throwing) led to threats? And how after, Orym thanked Dorian for handing over the crown sadly because he knew Dorian would be mad at him? And Dorian couldn't even look at him because he was legitimately hurt, thinking Orym was disappointed in him for doing what he thought was right? That was peak.

The fact they went from that to their current closeness and trust is the best part of their entire dynamic. Their relationship was hard fought and still will be. They will fight for it because they respect and care for one another deeply, and their disagreements don't change that, only improve it.

[luzriels]

Why is that? You know the reason. I'm asking if you know it.

[4525yaoi]

oh god there's two of them now

[tworedplants]

Down time

[ameamedraws]

Lovingly tucking your rival’s hair behind his ear and telling him you hate him: Akechi’s attempt to make sense of his contradicting feelings

[q1ngqve]

What if Ratio's s/o is feeling a little insecure about herself and Ratio's like "Are you saying I have bad taste? 🤨 Quite dumb of you to say. Allow me to show you how much I adore you..."

Fingers his s/o to the point where she squirts, and then stuffing his cock inside her cunny while whispering about how much he loves her...

"perfection is not defined by arbitrary standards imposed by society. true beauty emanates from authenticity, and you, my love, possess an authenticity that shines brighter than any star in the cosmos."

CW; insecure reader, fingering, squirting, overstimulation, penetration (v)

he'd be offended (lowkey) because he thinks very highly of you! so don’t blame him when he frowns, a slight downward tilt on his lips as he asks why you would ever feel / think this way

"are you saying I have bad taste? quite dumb of you to say so." despite his harsh words, his tone is soft and comforting, wrapping his arms around you in the process, head resting on your shoulder

you are literally the most amazing person he's ever met (I would say perfect but he knows nobody is perfect), he just couldn't wrap his head around your reasons for being insecure, but he understands that everybody has their low days, and it just so happens to be yours!

and what good is he as your boyfriend if he doesn't cheer you up and show you just how beautiful you are to him?

plants kisses on the side of your neck lovingly, and you giggle softly as his hair tickles you, making him chuckle between his kisses. separates himself from you before grabbing your wrists and leads you to the bed, gesturing for you to lie down

"god, you are beautiful."

leans down to kiss you passionately, tongue running along your bottom lip as he removes your pants, flinging it to the side of the room. you pull back to catch your breath a few seconds later, eyes flickering away from his intense gaze. his red eyes burning straight through the wall you built, staring right into the deepest part of your soul, and you suddenly feel incredibly vulnerable

"I'm not..."

your boyfriend's head shakes, a sigh leaving him, "then allow me to prove you otherwise, show you just how much I adore you." your eyes meet his once again, and you feel your cheeks heating up at his statement

with a small nod of head as consent, his hand reaches for your face, cupping your cheek for a moment before moving down to your neck, to your collar bones, his mouth following after the trail he left behind

you squirm in place, feeling extremely insecure about yourself, today really isn't your day. he notices this almost immediately, and distracts you by sucking on your nipple through your shirt, letting his warm tongue prod at the perky bud

whines leave your lips as his hands trail further down, dipping in your damp panties, drawing slow, sensual circles on your clit with his middle finger, "ratio..."

your body tenses when a finger slips in, "stunning. absolutely stunning." a breathy laugh escapes him as your hands fly to the back of his neck, pulling him down to kiss him fervently, "feels good, hmm?"

another finger joins the first, embarrassing squelching sounds fill the room as he pumps them into you with precision, hitting all your sensitive spots. it doesn't take long before you come undone on his fingers, and you feel a shudder run down your body when he smiles, "one more."

he doesn't give you the chance to calm down, plunging his fingers back in, and you clench around him, hard. the overstimulation making your head go empty, all negative thoughts of your body leaving your brain

when he hits that one spongy spot deep in you, your nails instinctively dig into his shoulders, successfully making your boyfriend smirk at your reaction

"wait— slow down! or I'm gonna—"

and of course he doesn't heed your warning, pushing and curling his fingers at a faster pace, thumb rubbing your clit, the occasional brush of his ring leaves your knees weak, your hips bucking on its own accord, trying to get that delicious friction again

a sudden warmth fills your core, your brain shutting down, and all you could hear was white noise buzzing inside you, your legs clenching together with his arm still between them

ratio curses under his breath at the sight before him — you with your back arched, eyes closed, mouth open, hips grinding against his hand as you ride out your high. he knew you were cumming, but he did not expect you to squirt, drenching his lower arm with your juices, the wetness shining under the bedroom light

your legs are pushed apart as you feel him climb between them, the clanking sound of his belt falling to the ground has you opening your eyes. you find yourself whining his name pathetically at the sight of him stroking his erect dick, the tip red and angry, curving at a slight angle with his veins looking like they may burst anytime

"apologies, my dear, but my patience is running out."

air gets knocked out of your lungs the moment he pushes all the way to the hilt, pulling a scream out from you. your body shakes uncontrollably from the overstimulation, hands desperately clawing at his chest and shoulders, trying to ground yourself with all your might

his hands grab at your hips, lifting you up slightly to thrust into you better as he kisses you again, this time so hard and rushed that your teeth clanks at some point. he'd pull away when you push at him, almost suffocating from the kiss, and you'd watch with tears in your eyes as he grits his teeth, jaw flexing each time he hits your cervix, soft grunts sounding at the back of his throat with each thrust

"you. are. absolutely. phenomenal." each word comes out hoarsely with each thrust, "every inch of you, perfection." tears stream down your face at his words, tiny gasps of whatever insecurities leave your body, "and don't you ever forget that."

you feel your pussy spasming around him, you're so so near to the edge, and you know he will he send you over with ease — angling his hips at the perfect angle, his own high approaching with each spasm of your warm gummy walls

"fuck— cum with me, please."

and you tense, gripping down on him like a vice, barely registering his groan of your name against your neck as you fall over the edge yet again. spurts of hot liquid fill your insides, leaving you a whimpering, crying mess under him. your boyfriend above you pants against your neck, his arms giving out slightly to press his body weight on you, trapping you beneath him, the weight and heat a comforting anchor for you to come back down

it takes a few minutes for the both of you to recover, and when you do, he's already kissing your collarbones, hands kneading your body softly, massaging at the red hand prints of his grip on your hips from before

sobs leave you unexpectedly as you wrap your arms around him, breaking down against his chest, wetting the fabric there. ratio's hands reach for your hair, pushing the fringe on your face back behind your ear, his thumb brushing the stray tears away from your eyes

soft tenderness appears in his own eyes as he leans closer to you, forehead touching yours, "while I may not fully comprehend the intricacies of your emotions, rest assured that my commitment to you remains unwavering. you are the reason my heart beats with such fervor, and you are cherished beyond measure."

you break into small giggles as more tears pour, and your hand reaching up to cup his face when you notice his nose and eyes turning red, tears welling in those beautiful shades of red and purple

"I love you."