#was originally going to paint but like where it’s going now.
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Allegedly, when my dad was young, my paternal grandmother told him "all men have a dark side." I think she meant well. She was born in the early 20th century, she came over frome Ireland on boat as a child. She had a stepfather who was from another immigrant community. Families were large. There was a lot of poverty and alcohol. They were Catholic, so they also took "original sin" as a concept seriously.
I think this did my dad harm. He actually is a person who struggles with empathy. Now, it's apparent he's neurodivergent from multiple traits he has and that this probably runs in the family, but no one we knew was diagnosed back then. He views criticism as personal attacks. It's difficult for him to see difference between people (like his difference) as positive of a challenge to accept and accommodate and instead thinks (in his darkest moments) that he's broken. Or that I also am someone who needs to be fixed.
But, somehow, I'm sure from conversations most of my siblings including my brothers voted blue and genuinely are able to care about others and will try to help.
And, to clarify, my dad has done volunteer work a d actually helped some people a lot. He is in no way evil. He's human. He is a product of his time. He was indoctrinated, arguably, by nuns, and Jesuits, and the Knights of Columbus, by bullies, and every bit of 1950's US government propaganda about scary different people and the importance of conforming and being "American". He says he didn't know that he was poor as a child because everyone was like that around him. He had a moment in the late 80s where he was arguably upper middle class. But he's also one of those older people now who don't really have wealth in the oldest sense but have pension/retirement tied up in stocks market scrap and keep mortgaging their house when they need cash.
Anyway, this is long.
But what I'm trying to say is people are flawed and human and make mistakes, but they aren't born or made evil or good. I think it's more harmful to say to kids that they have darkness or sin inside them from the start than to focus on choices going forward and the possibility that when one does make a mistake they can also make amends.
So, we should try to tell kids that.
Model good behavior and choices for kids as much as we can. Communicate that humans of all ages can make mistakes. Get rid of the concept of authoritarianism and infallibility in any individual or organization. Embrace differences. Talk about our feelings when we feel hurt by another's choices or actions so we can understand or compromise.
Just do our best and be excellent to each other.
And, specifically, for those boys some are worried about - I know lack of funds can impede this - but give them lots of room to play, give them books about all different people and experiences, take them on trips to see how real people do their work, let them engage with all the dramatic play props and costumes and clothes and dolls. Let them have building toys and action figures they choose. Let them use telescopes and microscopes to shift their perspective. Let them draw and paint and write. Let them compete and measure, without focusing on the win itself.
And let all kids do those things (but above posts were about boys).
And if there's a financial struggle to provide all this, try libraries or a device that can stream old episodes of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, or Reading Rainbow, or Sesame Street, etc.
Because, going back to my dad, he wasn't really able to model the most typical social-emotional behaviours or interactions for me, but I could see Optimus Prime or Fred Rogers interact with others.
And my brothers turned out pretty OK possibly because our dad was able to provide many books but also because he decided with my mom early on that girls could play with cars and boys could play with dolls.
And how/why he decided that when he was such a product of past generations and watches a certain news channel three or four times a day now I can't explain. But he did.
So, we know, I think, how to help kids. I worked in early childcare education for a time myself. People know how to help kids. But...there's also a struggle for any service to be profitable which means the teacher-student ratios can get stretched and that teachers can get stuck with so many assessments and standardized testing requirements that they aren't just spending time with the kids.
But we know.
And, unfortunately, there are some in the world who have differing goals. Right? Like do you want healthy men who can work together with diverse groups of people in cooperating to better the world? Or do you want obedient workers? Soldiers? Slaves?
Men themselves are not the problem. Boys aren't a problem.
It's young people growing up with divisivness and poverty and war and demand of conformity and obedience, etc.
So, probably the best we can do foe young men is to try to understand that they aren't evil by nature. Probably Patriarchy hurt them. But because of that, they don't want to admit it to themselves, because that would be weakness.
We need to keep showing them that there are places for men (again, all people need attention, but above posts were about boys and men) in the society we want.
We can say it to men we know. We can say that we really liked when they did math homework with us, or played Lego with us, or played us music we liked, or organized a tabletop game, or built us a bookcase, or cooked chicken the way we like, or taught us how to draw our eyeliner, or even expressed a desire to defend us against another man. (These are just some examples from my life, yours are likely different.)
It would be nice if we didn't also have those negative influences in the world, but we do and we can't stop them overnight or by ourselves.
So, we do our best to model and encourage the behaviours we want and to protect institutions that help like our public libraries, and to ask for policies that will (actually) improve schools.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
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The frames of the video from the comic in the previous post. I experimented a lot with this, it was really fun to work with this chunky brush I found. Also the first time I draw the Reaper of Destruction as it was before Lumity!
More comments under the cut+a frame I ended up scrapping!
I'll go by order of appearance, because it's basically a chronological retelling of the events of part 1.
So the first frame is the least fancy because it was the first and I didn't nail down a style for this yet lol. It shows Ghost and Soap's first true meeting, in chapter 1, where Ghost helps Soap when he gets impaled by a rebar.
The second frame jumps to chapter 8, when Ghost first put Soap in Limbo. The triangle around them was a later addition, taken from the next frame. I love this scene, it's so fun to see it drawn out now :)
The third frame was the most important one to nail the style. I painted a whole frame, only to come back to it the next day and restart from almost 0.
This is the original third frame
They both show the same event - chapter 21, the second time Soap is thrown into Limbo. The difference is, one shows a more literal image of what happened, and the other is more symbolic.
And by now I think you know how much I love symbolism lol
What also bothered me with the scraped painting is that the composition isn't central, and the entire pose, while more dynamic, isn't fitting the mural feel the rest has.
There's an even earlier version of the scrapped painting, with Soap's face, but nowhere else there are faces in these series, so I went wild with it and covered it with flames. He had them behind him already, as the description of this scene in the fic says Soap had a helo of fire behind him.
(also hated how Limbo's victims looked in the scrapped version like... ew lol)
There wasn't a real reason to add the circles around Soap. I just wanted to lean more heavily into the mural style. But I took that circle motif to the end, after that, and added it to Ghost as well, hence the triangle.
Soap has one skeletal hand, and one palm. That one is on purpose, to show he's hanging in between life and death.
The fourth frame is pretty self-explanatory, it shows the part in chapter 21 where Soap gets the dark marks on his forearm. If the colors look weird in that one, it's because I messed with them so much I couldn't tell if they look good anymore on not
The fifth frame shows another favorite moment of mine, the moment Ghost gets his marks, the white tear tracks, when he finally notices Soap fighting in the void.
The sixth frame is my favorite of the bunch. Soap and Ghost, the triangle and circle combined. The moment they killed Graves, Ghost in full control of his subjects, Soap with his sword of white fire and army of burning moths. They look so scary in this one I love them
The seventh frame shows Void and Destruction. Void was straight forward, I've drawn it a few times before, but I had to make a more detailed design for Destruction, and I only had the very first sketches I made for Revenant AU to go off of, as well as Lumity's design. Idk why I designed Lumity before Destruction, but that's how it is. I wanted Destruction melting, like it can't handle its own heat.
The eighth frame is of Void and Destruction combining. In the fic they had in-between states, it didn't look like this, but for the sake of the video I thought it'd be nicer to have a clear frame of them combining.
The ninth and last frame is of our beloved Lumity. Their design is a little more detailed than the drawing I made a while back. This frame is also the only one that interacts with the foreground, aka Makarov. I think he was jump-scared, don't know how much that comes across.
Damn I had a lot to write. Well, when given the opportunity to ramble...
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod ghost#cod soap#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#call of duty modern warfare#revenant au#cod fanart#...fanart of my own au for the most part but oh well#ty for reading whoever did <3
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Why Will Byer Brings His Painting (On Two Separate Occasions)
I think it's so interesting that Will decided to paint the DnD party as a gift for Mike.
Since he brought the painting with him to the airport, we know that Will was definitely NEVER going to confess his feelings to Mike since he has very much resigned himself to the idea that Mike is straight and is in love with El (and El, Jonathan, and Argyle are also there with him so we can safely assume that he had never meant for his painting to be given in a romantic light).
Rather, Will brings the painting to the airport as a surprise for Mike in the hopes of reconciling their friendship.
Will, most likely, had intended the painting to be a friendly gift for Mike and it wouldn't be out of the ordinary, considering that Will has given Mike plenty of his artwork in the past (shown by Mike's binder of Will's drawings in S1 and putting some up in his basement).
We know that while they left on good terms at the end of S3 when the Byers move away, with a heartfelt conversation that Will would always stay with their original party and a good-bye hug. However, we also know that their contacting each other lessened as the months passed, as revealed by their fight in Rink O' Mania.
But I'm getting too far ahead of myself. Let's go back to the airport reunion before Rink O' Mania happened.
With the previous information now at our disposal, we are in the know that Will and Mike's last few interactions before their airport reunion have been few and far in-between. We don't really have a clue on how their phone calls went but it seems that they were still on good terms, considering Will's very happy expression on his face as he waits for Mike to arrive. But again, we know that Will is aware that their contact has been dwindling when he confronts Mike about it later on in the skating rink.
With this awareness, I believe that Will wanted to make sure that their friendship is still intact, even after the little communication they've had since the Byers move to California. That their strong friendship will continue to exist even if they were separated.
His answer to repairing their friendship was going to be his DnD painting. This painting must have taken a while to complete, a small signifier showing how long and often Will has thought about this. It is no coincidence that he chose the DnD party as his subject for his painting since their last in-person interaction is when Mike asks whether Will is going to join a new party and Will replies that that's not possible. By painting their DnD party, Will is basically referring back to that interaction and expressing to Mike that he didn't forget about them and that he never will, even after all this time and distance.
Which is why it's heartbreaking when Mike rejects Will's hug at the airport.
Since Mike is acting cold towards him, Will believes that Mike may not actually be receptive to his painting and his message behind it, so he (understandably) opts to not give the painting to him, referring to it as simply "just a painting". If Mike hadn't apologized to Will after their Rink O' Mania fight, I think that Will would have hidden that painting away where it will gather dust and never see the light of day.
Now, what is very interesting is that Will chooses to bring his painting again, this time on their road trip to get El back. But you may ask: Mike and Will have already reconciled their friendship when they have their heart-to-heart in Will's room so what else would be the reason to bring it?
Because now that he is assured in knowing that Mike has actually been wanting to reconcile with Will, expressing to him that Hawkins isn't the same without Will and that Mike felt like he lost him, Will deems it safe to bring it again. After all, judging by El's letter to Mike that Will has been working on it for weeks, Will wants to make it clear to Mike that even though Mike initiated their reconciliation, Will isn't passive in their friendship. Will is not someone who initiates so he shows in his own way that he does care. This painting proves that he's been thinking about them ALL THIS TIME. This friendship is just as important to him as it is to Mike.
However, as the road trip goes on, Will sees that Mike is worried and stressed about El and whether she really needs him through their heart-to-heart at the junkyard. Will probably thought that it would be insensitive to give him that painting now when it seems clear that Mike is in emotional turmoil about El and that he doesn't have much room to think about anything else. Again, he was NEVER going to confess his feelings with the painting. At this point in the road trip, he has already offered much relationship advice to Mike about El so we know he is supporting Mike and El's relationship.
Will had meant to use his painting to reconcile their friendship. Instead, he uses his painting to repair Mike's relationship with El.
After all, they have already technically reconciled their friendship, so Mike doesn't need the painting as more reassurance for that, right?
'What Mike needs is to know that he will always be needed and that he is so, so important to not just El but to the whole party. He is the heart, he's always been. I can't help much but this, I can do.'
So, Will resolves himself to be the initiator this time, giving Mike his painting on the basis that 'El had commissioned him' so that Mike can understand the inherent self-worth he has and how much he has impacted Will by making him feel better for being different. He not only expresses these feelings but his love for Mike under the guise of El's, knowing that he is helping Mike and El reconcile and that they will be stronger than ever once they do.
He knows that there is nothing to be gained from confessing his feelings. But by actually saying his feelings for Mike out loud to the very same person, Will has given these feelings corporeal form. Now, another person knows (to an extent) about his true feelings, and Will cannot take them back. And by acknowledging his love for Mike, he also has to acknowledge, by association, that Mike will never reciprocate back because Mike is in love with El and even if he wasn't, Will would never be the recipient of Mike's love. Of course, Will has already known this but expressing out loud to the person you are in love with feels final. Finished.
It is at this point that Will isn't only actively supporting Mike and El's relationship. This is Will Byers fully giving up.
But now, his lie about his painting is up in the air.
I'd guess that in the final season, Will is never going to confess his feelings and that he resolves to hide them. But just like how Mike initiates many of their moments together, I believe Mike will confront Will about this and bring Will's feelings to light, sooner or later. And I think that Will Byers is going to be in for a big surprise.
Edit: Forgot to mention, the throw-away line in the van scene where Will talks about going to Las Vegas and playing DnD and Nintendo for the rest of their lives is a call-back to the rain fight where Will said that they could just play games in Mike's basement for the rest of their lives. In both cases, playing games for the rest of their lives is a metaphor for Will's wish to spend the rest of their life together and to grow old together. So the fact that Will lies about his DnD painting for Mike and El's relationship could symbolize him giving up that dream. But we shall see whether Mike shares that same dream with Will in ST5 :)
#byler#stranger things analysis#will byers#will byers analysis#mike wheeler#stranger things 4#stranger things
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Did a thing so not gonna paint it now.
👀
😂
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pov: you're having your comphet removed 🌈🤯😤 (doctor's orders) 🙏🏼💫🩻
this is why bones only gets to play dress-up as a treat 😔 if they'd put him in a little blue tunic in plato's stepchildren it would've been deadly
@very-bad-poetry-captain was watching the cloud minders and generously brought these skimpy little guard outfits to my attention. and then i blacked out for two hours and...
#star trek#star trek fanart#mckirk#mckirk fanart#star trek meme#leonard mccoy#bones mccoy#jim kirk#star trek tos#the cloud minders#mcspirk#leonard bones mccoy#deforest kelley#honestly i had de AND bones in my head painting this because this just feels like a very de expression#have we all seen that blooper where bill shat and de nearly kiss btw that is VERY important to me#ive got nothing to say for myself really. i shit you not ive done nothing but write and draw for two days#a lot of which... cannot be posted in full here if you know what i mean lmfao. but ive got a lot to show yall!#star trek the original series#dust medibang paints#I FORGOT I MADE THAT TAG arghhhhhhh now im going to have to go back and tag.....#adhd woes. short term memory whomst
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Some MS paint meow meows
(Some more that I am adding to the same post because I don't think they're worth a new one)
#wolverine#james howlett#logan#deadpool and wolverine#x-men#x-men 97#going fucking insane does anyone want anything#I'm watching the 90s show right now 😁#rewatched all the x-men movies#dude the part in last stand where logan gets hit in the face and starts mewing is so fucking funny I can't stop picturing it#that and logan absolutely deatroying wade with his insane read in the car#that shit had me like GOD DAMNNN!!!!!#also I just rewatched logan again and I'm sufferiny#art#original#ms paint#fanart#digital art#shit quality I know#hamster meme#hampter#the sickness
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This was meant to be a lazy fanart, but then I started doing the patterns and prints and that added an hour or two of work to this.
#fanart#buddy daddies#kazuki kurusu#rei suwa#miri unasaka#Illustration#I ALMOST didn't add rei#because I didn't want to have to figure out how to place him in#but once I finished coloring miri I realized exactly where he'd fit#and now he's there#miri did rei and kazuki's nails#while kazuki did her's#he made it a point to clean up the paint he got on her fingers before it dried#but uh#yeah good luck getting that nailpolish outu of your arm hair dude#originally I was going to have Miri's overalls be themed after that show she likes#but I didn't want to have to be accurate#so they're their in spirit through that blanket in the back
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T-T oh how I wish I had been able to give myself a monthly hobby budget. A local yarn shop is hosting a sweater yarn dyeing workshop- 5 skeins for $125 CAD, extra skeins $25/per. It's cheaper than their in-house-dyed yarn! AND they still have room!
But alas, I have already pre-spent my birthday, xmas, AND my hubby's birthday budget (with his blessing) plus some of our expected tax return money on Hozier in August.
Plus groceries are going up so our wiggle room is gone. Over $1K CAD a month to feed a family of four! $75 is ordering out ONCE. And we do NOT buy brand names, fancy foods, or meat that's not on sale.
I really hope it happens again next year or something when I might be able to scrounge up some extra cash or I finally find a second job.
#vent post#please don't mind the money venting we're scraping by atm and I know a lot of ppl aren't#I just REALLY need to vent#I'm so lucky to have a job that has insurance bc our meds are $175/month with 90% coverage#and hopefully they start RRSP matching again bc that's the only thing we have going to savings atm for a down payment on a house#we need to buy a shitty house in the next year or two when we get kicked out of affordable housing for making too much#or we'll end up being lifelong renters where rent is easily $2k/month for a 3 bedroom illegal suite and only going up#it's my first ever RRSP or anything so there's only like $1k in there now and we're still dipping in and out of my overdraft#hopefully not for much longer now tho fingers crossed#I want to live somewhere where I don't have daily athsma attacks from an attached neighbor smoking indoors#and where we are allowed to paint the walls and have a dishwasher and clean the airducts and not have original 70s asbestos linoleum liftin#and have a working hot water heater we don't have to trick into heating multiple times a day
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i am curious why fandoms gravitate towards specific archetypes/tropes. sure, they're not all the same, but the similarities are more than i'd expect when the source materials span different genres and mediums
#9 speaks#originally this started out as another '9 rambles about amatonormativity' thing#bc i feel like a lot of people slap the same handful of relationship tropes onto every fandom they come across#and i myself am not immune to gravitating towards very specific tropes - nobody is#but i don't see why people need to insert the same tropes into Every fandom regardless of if it has canon precedent#like there's a difference between 'this was referenced in the show and now i'm going to expand on it :)'#and 'if i don't find an enemies-to-lovers ship for this show i will have a stroke'#anyway. i feel like this is applicable pretty broadly - there are a lot of fandoms where the popular fanon has little to do with the source#and is really just Generic Fanon Template no. 3 with a coat of paint resembling the source#don't know why but i'd be curious to find out
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"This extra space next to me belongs to you. I know where I end now. I won't get lost." -- shoot me (metaphorically) and leave me for dead (metaphorically) why won't you. To make this about Dylan and maybe it's about Connor, maybe it's about Brinksy, maybe it's about any journeyman in the NHL. My brain screamed Chris Driedger and his memorable (to me) Players' Tribune article:
And how can you mention Dylan and Zach (Za-ach, the way Dylan says it) without me having a breakdown about them? You simply can't. And for the younger dudes, maybe it's a little Bords/Briss, not yet steady in The Show, a little bit of distance, a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately... and then a blurry insta story in Vegas. Just like old times but somewhere else. Maybe it's not the same bed, maybe it's not the same set of forks, but maybe it's the principle of the thing.
Anyway, goodbye. Sorry for this, your tag walls make me break out in imagined scenarios.
Much love. xxx
please never be sorry for sending me messages <3 i love reading them i love getting them i think they’re beautiful and i love them i’m!!!!! [🥹💕🦋🫧✨💘😭 <- the best approximation of what my heart is doing]
ok NOW i am taking this step by step because every narrative here kicked me straight in the knees (metaphorically) i am w e e p i n g (literally): i knew tangentially about chris driedger going to seattle but i had never read his players’ tribune love letter to seattle & all i can say is oh. oh. and with the part about trains delayed but still being right on time—
sometimes a dream is a truth your heart knows long before you do. the space that the city and the team made for him (“you’d be the only guy on the team”)🗣️🗣️🗣️ !!! but the way that chris talks about needing to put in the work & leo not letting him quit,,, that’s chris filling up the teakettle with twice as much water, crowding one side of the bed (falling asleep against a bus window dreaming), becoming unburdened by the idea of not being their guy, not having the fallback being their draft pick to content and settle himself with. that’s chris betting on a future. that’s the train coming down the tracks, right on time.
(i am feeling unhinged about it)
SECOND. i know i was the one that said zach and dylan to start so technically i brought this on myself but also i have been ktfo by the mere mention of the way that dylan says zach’s name different from everyone else, stealing an extra breath, stealing as much time as he can get with him, which reminded me of a poem i just read:
The Need Is So Great, Jim Moore
^^^dylan still in love with zach even as he’s leaving, can feel himself losing him, and taking every sliver of the love in his smile that he can get. even if he knows zach doesn’t still feel the same way he’s drawing out the long goodbye & saying i love you in a thousand ways without ever saying it out loud (“i have been asking for a time but in ways that have no words” because he doesn’t want to ask too much, to ask for love) in the hope that zach will say it back OKAY I’M LEAVING i can’t do this
that was a lie because THREE. “maybe it’s the principle of the thing” please insert the most ungodly screech how could you just (lovingly) come in straight with the steel chair and bean me upside the head with that l i n e i think this story has the potential for such tragedy in it but also the most tender domestic longing because bords & briss have known each other for a long time (i think) and guys do sometimes lose themselves when they first get to the nhl.
it’s a big scene, you’re with big name guys, you’re finally doing the thing you always dreamed about, you’re no longer necessarily the best because everyone’s the best, you’re not sure how you fit in, you can get lost in the glitz and the glamor of it but you can also literally get lost in it, the slog of the season and getting caught up and down between teams and leagues and endless airports and buses and travel and ice rinks, losing your phone (accidental) and having new people hound you for quotes and fame and connection so you lose your phone (on purpose) and i think where i’m trying to go is: this could play out as the tragedy of borde going to the california coastline and briss shipping off to the vegas strip and both of them getting a little lost.
maybe there’s someone else, maybe i am steadfastly not thinking about “a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately” as either a summer of them pretending things are ok after a year of barely speaking and now being completely different people they never were before OR a summer of them trying to pretend like they can forget about each other because maybe they didn’t think their relationship was the same thing, is all, when they were or weren’t together. maybe it’s nobody’s fault but for the fact that they were scared and tired and lonely trying to make it in the big times and didn’t know how to show it. and then borde shows up with takeout and plastic forks in vegas and it’s december and nothing like winter in ann arbor and still they fill up all the empty spaces in each other with the things they didn’t know they’d miss until they were gone and this is the real thing, not whatever they were trying too hard to be, to recreate their own nostalgia for the love in their memories. it’s the principle of the thing, is all, to always be true to the love they have right now & not what they think it should be.
sorry that i wrote you kind of an essay of an answer but i had so so so many thoughts because your ask was so lovely so thank you for sending it to me (you are always welcome to!! i love your imagined scenarios!!! cannot even explain how much!!!) & thank you for taking the time to read my walls of tags :))) <3
#liv in the replies#every time you send me a message i do the thing where i’ve got heart emojis for thumbs & cease any coherency#FIRSTLY chris driedger who i loved as seattle’s goalie without even knowing the story:#dreidger fourth layer of a dream is making me tear up AGAIN hours later as i try to write this the echl the coast easy come hard to leave &#when he talks about being somebody’s guy laying my head down in the bog & dragging my hands over my face chris who let you say that. who let#u break my HEART i truly don’t think i will ever recover from the inception reference bc that’s what they all talk abt u know? the nhl dream#the players’ tribune articles are often some of the most poetic & touching sports writing & every time i am reminded i lose my shit about it#SECONDLY:#the ever present spectre of dylan’s first boyfriend zach werenski#i have so so so many quotes? drafts? posts? about the thing with saying someone’s name to call them closer to you i say your name to speak#more of you into the world so i will possibly look for some of those to say what i mean but also: this poem was originally reminiscent of#willingly by tess gallagher which is my ajax jack / superbuddies poem & this specifically did go with the a drop of paint / the light has#fallen through you part of it but there’s a part of THIS poem which i did not include that talks about the late light / has already happened#will go on happening forever & that whole poem with this now to say i know it’s embarrassing i’m asking for it :: easy to write about light#like falling asleep on the couch & having to carry yourself up to bed is the dylan/zach heartbreak of this. waiting & waiting for the things#you used to do & the love you used to / were promised to have with the hope that if you keep the coffee ready he’ll come drink it & instead#you have too many cups of tea one yours & one cold then half-warmed over & too sweet for your tastes but you’ve learned to drink it anyway#okAY now third:#this w/the UMICH BOYS? N O I DIDN’T EVEN!!! NOT A THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN!!! & now i can’t stop thinking!!! & i had an entire PLAYLIST already#a ??? while ago before i even truly knew the umich boys Narratives™️ i heard maude latour’s song ‘one more weekend’ & went hahaha isn’t that#a great song for when you have that One Summer of college before everyone splits off into their own lives? isn’t that a fun little umich boy#going into the nhl narrative?? to which i said NO but then it spiraled into a playlist &now there is delightful heartbreak to go with vibes#umich scholars please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong on any points i can’t remember anything presently about anything#also the f a c t that that vegas picture is real and i know exactly what you’re talking about is making me %^•*]+£’ bc how!! is that real!!!#okay ALSO just throwing in brinksy like a casual AHAHA have brainworm for a year (my autocorrect tried to go bringst like angst which. lmao)#connor and dylan… all of my journeymen… we did not touch that because i WILL start yelling about sam gagner and marc staal and#the chrysalis and the caterpillar
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... :)
#about to rant so ignore me#but like#okay. i have gotten over my assigned professor being changed. its okay. if she says this is better i trust her decision#and the forgetting to tell me and my new professor not having understood he had to read my stuff now is just an unfortunate accident#it happens. im unlucky like that i should be used to it#but now i still havent gotten even a single 'read' or whatever like they do with all my other classmates#if i go to class tomorrow just to find out no one still hasnt read what i have been working on for the last 5 weeks im#im going to explode#i already feel like shit for not meeting my self imposed goals#and its not like they could forget i have had no revisions BECAUSE I REMINDED THEM AGAIN TO PLEASE CHECK THEM OUT ON THE EMAIL I SENT#im just. so desmotivated#im already having the shittiest fucking weeks. maybe months. trying to get myself to work and do stuff#and this makes me feel like im that forgettable or that im gonna get hit with a 'change EVERYTHING' in the worst last possible moment#im so tired my intentions are good please someone for the love of god remember IM HEREEEEEEE#nothing is enjoyable i have no energy i just want to sleep everyday!!!!!!! i feel like im a burden and a bore to anyone!!!!!!!#im not wanted anywhere!!!!!! im fucking painted in here!!!!!#i have begun to talk about stuff unrelated to what i was originally saying 🙃 but oh well#its too much too many things all at the same time#i just want one fucking time where im not forgotten by literally everyone and made feel like a last fucking choice i want good things!!!!!#and im so tired of coming to terms with me never being anything to anyone just for someone to come and make me think maybe im wrong#just for everything to go to shit again!!!!!!!#i want to scream and take space and say how mad i am no more fucking 'dont worry its okay' 'sorry' no fuck off!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!#haunted.txt
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I randomly looked thru all my random sketches/unfinished wip files and I'm just mentally shaking past Catie like "WHY DIDNT YOU FINISH THESE!?"
#ugh theres a few i really want to finish#bcs i think the sketches are genuinely rly goor#<- not a brag. when i sketch or finish art i tend to hate it at first glance but come to love it after a period of time#so im looking at these like huh why did i think these were just nonsense/bad#but god its so hard to jump back into an old project#cause yeah the sketch looks good but its probably so far removed from my current level of skill#theres one i almost just wanna post the sketches of it and be done with it#bcs ive thought abt it so long and i go look at it longingly like every week#but its one of those things where you feel like even if you finished it +#it either wont look good as it does in your head or its not as dynamic/passionate as the og sketch yknow?#my drawing files are just a weird mix of being an absolute graveyard of sketches but also are next to my masterworks 😭#i think its good for your brain to sketch and you dont have to 'finish' everything you ever start#<- but at the same point theres some wips that make me groan bcs i reallt want them to be finished#oh chair wip i think i might have to re-sketch you if i ever wanna finish you. even tho ive really warmed to the original sketches </3#well ah anyways i think maybe matador seb will be my next thing#i wanna draw chibis again too i think#i drew them too much for a while and felt like i was losing my painting abilties#and now i only paint 💀 so its so ?????#catie.rambling.txt
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*puts everything unsightly away* ahhhh finally *nothing is out*
#realizing how much i dont have x12#i have this weird inbetween room sandwiched between my kitchen and the entrance to the apartment#and by all counts it SHOULD be the dining area .. BUT ... i have no use for one in my current situation (i have a barstool at the counter)#(its cool ive never owned that kinda thing)#but its makes an entire room... obsolete... but it really ONLY could be a dining room because of how awkward it is#and i'd love to be able to plop something else in that space ... i was considering a reading area .. but that requires bookshelves and seat#both of which ... i dont have#its also like .. this whole place is like .. yeah okay now i've got some shelving but what i really need is DECOR!#i need THINGS to put ON the SHELVES#i would looooove some paintings some wall hangings some paint on the walls .. some display pieces some collections#and i've got some things but i really dont got a lot to put up#being homeless and then getting a place of your own is like ... wow .. i've really don't got anything to put in here huh?#like really? ... really dont got anything#i really wanna draw up *~ideas~* for the place. some concepts of what i would love for it to look like#ive got ideas for like ''in my dream home i have a room just for fishtanks'' ''i have a reading area and an office''#but i've still gotta delineate what's going to be best where yknow.#my current computer/office setup i might consider moving again cause it's kinda funky and two rooms at once#i might just make my current office space ''da fish room'' or i might make it a small bedroom like i was gonna do originally#ive been having fun moving around the small amounts of furniture i do have since ive been staying here however. thats been my most delight#ALSOO... the dude i was getting stuff from gave me a huge rug and im only just now considering i should probably throw this thing RIGHT out#cause... bedbugs n shit#not that i think he's dirty but because if one units got em ... they'll spread .. and that rug's been in there FOREVER#i didnt lay it out yet or anything but ... i think the damage might be done by having brought it inside and propped it against the wall...
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I got a job at a Ukrainian museum.
On the first day someone asks me if I have any Ukrainian heritage. I say I had ancestors from Odesa, but they were Jewish, so they weren’t considered Ukrainian, and they wouldn’t have considered themselves Ukrainian. My job is every day I go through boxes of Ukrainian textiles and I write a physical description, take measurements, take photographs, and upload everything into the database. I look up “Jewish” in the database and there is no result.
Some objects have no context at all, some come with handwritten notes or related documents. I look at thick hand-spun, hand-woven linen heavy with embroidery. Embroidery they say can take a year or more. I think of someone dressed for a wedding in their best clothes they made with their own hands. Some shirts were donated with photographs of the original owners dressed in them, for a dance at the Ukrainian Labour Temple, in 1935. I handle the pieces carefully, looking at how they fit the men in the photos, and how they look almost a hundred years later packed in acid-free tissue. One of the men died a few years later, in the war. He was younger than I am now. The military archive has more photographs of him with his mother, his father, his fiancé. I take care in writing the catalogue entry, breathing in the history, getting tearful.
I imagine people dressed in their best shirts at Easter, going around town in their best shirts burning the houses of Jews, in their best shirts, killing Jews. A shirt with dense embroidery all over the sleeves and chest has a note that says it is from Husiatyn. I look it up and find that it was largely a Jewish town, and Ukrainians lived in the outskirts. There is a fortress synagogue from the Renaissance period, now abandoned.
When my partner Aaron visits I take him to an event at the museum where a man shows his collection of over fifty musical instruments from Ukraine, and he plays each one. Children are seated on the floor at the front. We’re standing in a corner, the room full of Ukrainians, very aware that we look like Jews, but not sure if anyone recognizes what that looks like anymore. Aaron gets emotional over a song played on the bandura.
A note with a dress says it came from the Buchach region. I find a story of Jewish life in Buchach in the early twentieth century, preparing to flee as the Nazis take over. I cry over this.
I’m cataloguing a set of commemorative ribbons that were placed on the grave of a Ukrainian Nationalist leader, Yevhen Konovalets, after he was assassinated. The ribbons were collected and stored by another Nationalist, Andriy Melnyk, who took over leadership after Konovalets’ death. The ribbons are painted or embroidered with messages honouring the dead politician. I start to recognize the word for “leader”, the Cyrillic letters which make up the name of the colonel, the letters “OYH” which stand for Organization of Ukrainian Nationalists (OUN in English). The OUN played a big part in the Lviv pogroms in 1941, I learn. The Wikipedia article has a black and white image of a woman in her underwear, running in terror from a man and a young boy carrying a stick of wood. The woman’s face is dark, her nose may be bleeding. Her underwear is torn, her breast exposed. I’m measuring, photographing, recording the stains and loose threads in the banners that honour men who would have done this to me.
Every day I can’t stop looking at my phone, looking up the news from Gaza, tapping through Instagram stories that show what the news won’t. Half my family won’t talk to the other half, after I share an article by a scholar of Holocaust and genocide studies, who says Israel is committing a genocide. My dad makes a comment that compares Gaza to the Warsaw Ghetto. This gets him in trouble. My aunt says I must have learned this antisemitism at university, but there is no excuse for my dad.
This morning I see images from Israeli attacks in the West Bank, where they are not at war. There are naked bodies on the dusty ground. I’m not sure if they are alive. This is what I think of when I see the image from the Lviv pogrom. If what it means for Jews to be safe from oppression is to become the oppressor, I don’t want safety. I don’t want to speak about Jews as if we are one People, because I have so little in common with those in green uniforms and tanks. I am called a self-hating Jew but I think I am a self-reflecting Jew.
I don’t know how to articulate how it feels to be handling objects which remind me of Jewish traumas I inherited only from history classes and books. Textiles hold evidence of the bodies that made them and used them. I measure the waist of a skirt and notice that it is the same as my waist size. I think of clothing and textiles that were looted from Jewish homes during pogroms. I think of clothing and textiles that were looted from Palestinian homes during the ongoing Nakba. Clothes hold the shape of the body that once dressed in them. Sometimes there are tears, mends, stains. I am rummaging through personal belongings in my nitrile gloves.
I am hands-on learning about the violence caused by Ukrainian Nationalism while more than nine thousand Palestinians have been killed by the State of Israel in three weeks, not to mention all those who have been killed in the last seventy-five years of occupation, in the name of the Jewish Nation, the Jewish People — me? If we (and I am hesitant to say “we”) learned anything from the centuries of being killed, it was how to kill. This should not have been the lesson learned. Zionism wants us to feel constantly like the victims, like we need to defend ourself, like violence is necessary, inevitable. I need community that believes in freedom for all, not just our own People. I need the half of my family who believes in this necessary “self-defence” to remember our history, and not just the one that ends happily ever after with the creation of the State of Israel. Genocide should not be this controversial. We should not be okay with this.
Tomorrow I will go to work and keep cataloguing banners that honour the leader of an organization which led pogroms. I will keep checking the news, crying into my phone, coordinating with organizers about our next actions, grappling with how we can be a tiny part in ending this genocide that the world won’t acknowledge, out of guilt over the ones it ignored long ago.
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disgusting(ly in love) || matt sturniolo
an; hiiii my loves how are y'all?? someone please give me some ideas for this i wanna make one for chris too:( this was originally supposed to be for 10 mins but i ran out of ideas and ended up making it 8 mins THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 400 FOLLOWERS I LOVE YOU ALL<33
summary; a youtube compilation of matt and yn being in love for 8 mins.
tagged; @t1llysblogs
matt was bored. and on youtube. having stumbled upon a video titled "MATT AND YN BEING DISGUSTING(LY IN LOVE)!!!??? tw happy couple (ew)" he decided he had nothing better to do than watch this.
clip one; sleeping beauties
the clip started with nick going down the stairs and screaming for matt. what he didn't know was yn, matt's girlfriend had stayed over.
expecting matt to be awake, he pushed the door open with his vlog camera on.
there laid matt and yn, all cuddled up on the bed. the blanket covered their tangled legs yet the way matt held his girl against his chest was enough to make everyone jealous of the couple. near them mr wrinkleton, matt's pug plushie and ms bubbles, yn's rabbit plushie cuddled too, almost making it look just like the couple in plushie forms.
a small laugh left nick, as he zoomed the camera into their faces.
clip two; twitch stream
matt was streaming on twitch with his brothers while his girlfriend went out on lunch with her friends.
coming back home, yn did not expect to hear shouts from each brother's room. assuming they were only playing video games with each other, she yelled "honeyyyyyy i'm homeeeeee" right as she entered in matt's room. not giving him any time to answer the girl skipped her way to her boyfriend and sat on his lap; all excited to tell him about the latest gossip session she had with her girls.
but that could wait for a while.
he looked so beautiful that she couldn't help but wrap her arms around his neck, giving a sweet kiss on his lips. pulling away she kissed his cheeks and mumbled "god you're so cute".
giggling softly, the boy pulled her face up and said "thank you baby" she was about to say something when chris screamed "OH MY VIRGIN EYES". laughing at the way her eyes got wide, matt explained "we're streaming baby"
clip three; birthday gift
sometimes yn vloged. since the triplets' birthday was coming soon, she decided to vlog the entire process of shopping for the brothers.
twelve minutes into the video, she was all set and ready with meaningful gifts for each brother. once she put all the gifts in separate bags for each brother, she smiled at the camera. "finally. it was such a tiring day. now only one thing is left to do. y'all remember the paints i brought? well we're doing a fun little craft." taking out the red and pink paints, she went to grab a plain black tshirt.
cutting a heart stencil out of a paper, she stuck the paper to the tshirt's back. applying the fabric paint on her lips she started kissing the cloth between the cutout paper heart. applying different shades of pink and red, she filled kisses in the shape of a heart. laughing at her now smudged 'lipstick' she showed the camera her now ready gift.
"gonna let it dry now. i think i will maybe do something in the front also. not sure. will keep you guys updated!!"
safe to say, matt loved his gift so much that he demanded another kiss tshirt so that he could wear her kisses every day.
clip four; beach
this was a short clip from the hawaii vlog. the triplets, yn, maddie and nate where walking to the beach near hotel. well not all of them were walking through.
yn decided she was too tired to walk today and matt being the absolute angel he is, let her to hop on his back as he carried the girl to the beach.
maddie had vlogged matt carrying his girl on his back, humming to whatever she had to say. the camera captured matt listening carefully to his girlfriend as she spoke animatedly about penguins. the last thing the camera captured was yn repeatedly kissing the boy's cheek as he smiled before chris pushed the couple claiming "it was sick to watch people in love"
clip five; beach again
this was a clip from the same vlog as the last. matt and yn were seen enjoying in the water. splashing water against eachother their joyous laughs could be heard.
suddenly matt lifted the girl up, enjoying her screams of fear. dropping her a little, matt laughed harder as his girl tightened her hold on his neck. "matt i swear to god if you throw me in the water" laughing at her empty threats, matt dropped her down a little.
"MATTEW STURNIOLO"
"but baby i love you" he said as he completely dropped her down.
clip six; deaf, mute and blind challenge
yn sometimes participated in the triplets' videos. right now she was a part of the deaf mute and blind challenge. nick and chris were deaf, matt was mute and she was blind.
it was tough to be blind when she was only one who could actually cook something but nothing goes according to her wish, right?
which brings us to this moment. yn, desperately trying to find the bowl which contained the pancake mixture. looking at his struggling girlfriend, matt came behind her and pulled the bowl towards them. putting the whisk in her hand, he grabbed her from behind and helped her whisk the ingredients together. mumbling a small thank you the girl was finally relieved as the process was almost over.
all while nick and chris danced and screamed to doja cat.
clip seven; grwm
yn was filming a get ready with me to go to a date. while she was putting the make up on, her boyfriend entered the room. saying a quick hi to him she turned back to explain her makeup process to her followers.
"—oh y'all need to try this mascara. it's sooooo good. i literally cried—" hugging the girl matt cut off her rant. he squeezed the girl in his arms as she turned around to place a kiss on his cheek. laughing at the bright red stain her lipstick left on his cheeks she tried to grab a tissue to wipe it off. protesting against it, the boy pulled her closer to him.
clip eight; dancing in the snow
the clip was from a random vlog yn posted. it started off with yn putting her vlog camera on the car's bonet and running towards matt. the two, fully covered in wools from head to toe danced in the snow without any music.
matt twirled his girl, a small laugh leaving him as the girl lost balance and collided with him, pushing the two to the ground.
it may seem silly to others, dancing without any music or laughing like madmen in the snow but to them this was the best moment of their life.
as the video ended, matt pouted at the screen. he now missed his girlfriend. he decided to facetime his girl not knowing chris was right behind him and he recorded matt smiling and blushing at moments with his girlfriend. probably this would end up in another compilation of matt and yn being in love.
#cherrynflowergarden🦢🌹🍒#chris sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#christopher sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo x reader#matt sturniolo x reader#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo smut#matthew sturniolo#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo x you#nick sturniolo x reader#sturniolo x you
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"Were you aware that you talk in your sleep?"
Through the haze of tiredness, Vil's voice rings clear, as it so often does. It takes a few too many blinks to will the grogginess away. But when it does, you turn on your side towards him. He's in a position mirroring your own, his form highlighted by the early morning rays of sunlight leaking in through the window behind him. Swathed in blankets that have clearly seen better days, as was typical of Ramshackle grade furnishing.
"...Good morning to you too, Vil."
He doesn't reply with any words, merely a hum of acknowledgement.
It's unfair how perfect he can look so soon after waking. Cause you know for a fact your hair is in tangles under your head. Makes you feel like a true potato, as he so calls you.
You're reminded of the circumstances behind this current arrangement as he eyes your drowsy self calmly. Turns out, even after renovations, Ramshackle is still ramshackle. It only took one flop onto your bed for the legs holding up the bedframe to give out entirely. The sound had attracted the whole VDC squad, so they got to bare witness to probably one of the most embarrassing moments of your life. Well, Ace made certain that it was, at least.
Originally content to sleep on a slightly shorter than usual bed, Vil had been quite adamant on not letting you. Something about bugs and possibilities of them infesting the mattress. It didn't really matter to you, but somehow you found yourself in his room. Rather, one of your guest rooms. And that was where you still were, letting him eye you down like a product on display.
"...Something on my face?"
"Yes, drool."
Nice to know that Vil's charm was present every hour of the day.
"...What was this about me talking in my sleep?" You try to nonchalantly swipe a hand over your mouth, but it fails spectacularly. Nothing gets past this man.
"You mumble all sorts of nonsense." He looks like a Renaissance painting as he brushes a stray lock from his eyes, tucking it elegantly behind his ear. "I nearly thought you were awake at first, talking to yourself."
"Yes, cause that's totally what one does first thing in the morning. Talk to themself."
The sleepiness has clearly made you overly confident. If the glare he levels you is anything to go by.
"Notice how I said 'nearly.' Meaning I didn't actually think you were. Does the morning dim your wit more than normal?"
"...For someone so insistent on getting me in their bed, you're rather snappy."
"Why I never." That comment gets him riled enough to sit up. You feel tiny as he stares daggers down at you where you continue to lie. In your puddle of disarray, while he's somehow runway ready at the ass crack of dawn.
"How can you look like a Greek god first thing in the morning?" Oh, so you've decided to voice your thoughts out loud. Ok, cool, that's totally what you wanted to do. Totally.
You watch as his anger morphs into confusion. "Greek god?"
"Oh," that's right. That's a 'your world' thing, isn't it. "A reference from back home, don't worry about it."
"Hmph," he grunts. Well, you'd hardly call it a grunt. Vil wouldn't do something as barbaric as grunt. It was more like a delicate, posh scoff. But, he no longer looks as mad as he did before, so you guess it was a good thing you decided to voice your inner musings aloud. "Does this 'Greek god' happen to have flawless skin, gorgeous hair, and impeccable taste?"
You don't want to answer him, cause you know where this is going. But, again, nothing escapes the notice of this man. You're forced to watch his lips curl up into an infuriatingly hot smug grin.
"From your face, I assume so. It's kind of you to notice the obvious."
You're very well awake by now, but you still roll your eyes. You may lowkey highkey fear this man, but nothing could've held that reaction back.
"Yeah, well, they're also incredibly abnormal. Cause the rest of the population doesn't typically wake up looking like a supermodel."
"If you think I'm a supermodel now, then you must think I'm ethereal on a day to day."
You do nothing but grumble as you shuffle to sit up, rubbing leftover sleep from your eyes while pointedly ignoring how he practically preens next to you. When you instinctually card a hand through your hair, instead of it catching on knots like you expect, it goes right through.
"It's the pillow case."
Again, the bastard reads your expression like a book and promptly comments on it.
"Satin is good for both the skin and the hair."
You're tempted to call him extra, cause who brings their own pillow case to someone else's house? But the way your hair feels, how it's free from a majority of its typical morning tangles, shuts you up.
You chance a glance up at him. Head turned towards you, knees bent below the covers, an elbow rested over top, chin held primly in the palm of his hand, still haloed by the rising sun like it’s a paid actor. With an elegant quirk to his brow and an expression equal parts amused and sickly fond.
There is... something running laps in your chest. Begging to be acknowledged. To be known.
"...If you're fishing for another compliment, you'll find that I've reached my daily quota."
You swing your legs over the side of the bed as you hear him click his tongue. And no, it's not running away, but it sort of feels like it is.
"I'll go and make myself presentable before starting on breakfast. You said we needed more protein, right? I was thinking I could make omelets━"
"A shame, really."
You have no clue how he moved so silently, but he was suddenly next to you and unapologetically in your space. Brushing hair behind your ear like he was born to do it. Walking the small distance around to your front so you could see the pleased smile upon his lips and knowing twinkle in his eyes.
Damn him, you can't help but internally curse as goosebumps form where his fingers had barely even grazed. Nothing gets past him, and especially not you.
"I was so hoping for a few more compliments, because I certainly haven't reached my needed quota."
#hello yes hi first post yippee#words cannot describe my infatuation with this man#twisted wonderland#twst x reader#twst scenarios#pomefiore#vil schoenheit#vil x reader#alice writes twst
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