#want their rivalry to be somewhat sad 'in another life we could have been good together' kind of way

[raven-of-domain-kwaad]

Miria Ivon, veteran of the Great Galactic War, Jedi Shadow and later member of the Council of First Knowledge.

[yesimwriting]

Hello! Your Nikolai fic tranquility is so beautiful! Can you write more for Nikolai? Maybe the opposite with reader having a nightmare? Or whatever you want just please give me more! If you have a tagging list I'd love to be included btw :)

A/n hii!! first off,, thank you! i was a little nervous about writing him for the first time,, but i love him so much (even though i love a good villain/morally grey character in love i think nikolai would probably make the least toxic bf in the grishaverse lol)

you gave me a little too much freedom here lol bc i have so many ideas for him!! lowkey might need to give him a longer fic/series soon when i catch up with requests!! WOW THIS FIC IS SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

Summary: Reader is a handmaid who has grown up assisting Nikolai. Through the years, the two have developed a special relationship that most definitely breaks royal protocol--they’re best friends and rivals on a good day, and dangerously close to being something more the second either of them is remotely upset or extremely happy. Learning about the fact that Nikolai was almost engaged to Alina (a good friend of yours) and being reminded of the fact that as royalty Nikolai has many prospects (both serious women worthy of his title and women only suitable for trysts meant to relieve tension) has you both realizing something you should have years ago.

Word count: 31210

Warnings: disclaimer--may not be the most cannon thing ever,, but i wanted the ‘child of the help competes and falls in love with the child of royalty’ energy okay?? Lol

I could do a whole blurb series with this dynamic nikolai x reader,, like just stories of them growing up together and randomly realizing they might like each other romantically?? I probably shouldn’t rn but i ADORE this trope.

--

The perfection of the room is disappointing. Idle hands, idle thoughts--so I work to smooth out a perfect duvet. Still, the thoughts come--aggressive and unavoidable. It’s silly, maybe even sad, to feel possessive over something that’s never been yours, something that could never be yours, but the harder I fight off the feeling the stronger it grows. Jealousy is a weed growing quickly in my chest, vile roots planted firmly in my heart.

Normally my favorite part of the day would be waiting for Nikolai to return to his room in the palace after dinner and his evening duties. He’s always a bit softer in the evenings, during my last check-in of the day. I’m normally thrilled to be done organizing his room early because that means the second he arrives there will be no distraction. Most evenings, he’ll find me perched in the seat by his bed, reading. He’ll mock-scold me for daring to defy his orders and reading ahead from the book we both take turns reading aloud from each night. He then warns me that I better react exactly the way I did when I first read it or else. That threat is always followed by a gentle laugh.

Tonight I’m in no mood for our nightly banter or even our nightly reading. My mother had warned me of the dangers of getting too comfortable with the royal family. I should have heeded that warning when she first gave it to me, the morning she found Nikolai and I fast asleep on a couch in the library as children. The palace likes to bring up the children of the staff by training them to attend to the next generation of royals. It makes the staff more efficient, a lifetime of knowing what someone wants makes you better for them. It also creates some level of connection, making betrayal a little less likely. Nikolai and I might have taken it farther than most. But now I want a reminder of the way we’re supposed to be--maybe if I detach now the bleeding of my heart won’t kill me. That has to remain secret, because if I explain it to Nikolai something in me will break. The one line between us will be crossed.

This will be the sixth secret I’ve kept from Nikolai in my entire life.

--

The secrets:

I don’t know why I was picked for Nikolai. I wasn’t particularly skilled, but still, the day came when my mother was told that I now worked directly for the Lantsov boy. It’s an honor, a true one, but my mother had been a little nervous. To whom much is given, much is expected--and I detested Nikolai. Not for being a prince, but for being a prince who thought girls couldn’t race or fight.

The day my mother came looking for me because I never showed up for dinner and she found Nikolai and I attempting to fight in the way only a ten-year-old girl and eleven-year-old boy would, she had looked truly mortified. Nikolai had only laughed, either oblivious to my mother’s embarrassment or uncaring about it. He had then hugged me--an expression of care that had left me reeling. I saw him more as a rival than someone to tend to, but in that moment I saw him as a friend. Even more so when he told me he didn’t want me to go yet and that he was upset that so much of the day had been wasted by studies that kept him with boring people and away from me. And then he invited me to his lessons--my mother was quick to attempt to decline politely, but the desires of a prince at any age outweigh that of a mother.

After that, everyone kind of just stopped trying to remind us of our propriety. The tutor at first was concerned about my presence, but Nikolai remained stubborn. I wasn’t a big enough deal to cause an argument, so I began to attend lessons with him almost every day, only staying away when my mother needed aid with laundry or cleaning. His parents must have been somewhat aware of our friendship, but they must have been oblivious to our closeness because it was never mentioned.

My mother’s worry began to ease, she’d even started to take some pride when I’d come to our room proudly proclaiming that I scored two marks higher than Nikolai. She did, however, warn that it might be more tactful to let him score higher.

The comment was casual, just a suggestion, but it left me feeling wrong. It was the first time since we met that I had thought about our different statuses. I didn’t tell him--and that was the first secret I ever kept from him.

As we grew, we traded physical competition for academic rivalry, trying to best each other in both lessons and games of strategy like chess and cards. But with growing comes responsibility. Nikolai started to have obligations that were meant to be private. I couldn’t follow him at all times. But he’d always come back from locked door meetings grinning like he carried schoolyard gossip instead of government secrets. He shared everything with me, even when I playfully warned against it.

He’d always step closer when I teased that perhaps he shouldn’t tell me everything. And then he’d say, “If I can’t trust you, then I can’t trust anyone--and I don’t want to live in a world like that.” Often, he’d give my hand a light squeeze before moving on like he had not said anything intimate.

On a day in which Nikolai was in one of those meetings, I became a woman. When I first saw the blood, I had been horrified--but my mother was quick to explain that it was natural. She said that I was now a woman, a wonderful thing, really--but a thing that came with obligations. She told me that I could no longer have the impromptu ‘sleepovers’ with Nikolai unless he ordered it. I told her he’s never ordered me to do anything for him.

She didn’t ease, something in her had started to become nervous again. My mother had recently started to act the way she did when Nikolai and I first became friends. I didn’t want to fall asleep in Nikolai’s bed while I was bleeding, but I didn’t want to never have another sleepover with him again. Especially not when she refused to explain why being a woman changed so much.

I had decided to avoid Nikolai as much as possible until the sting of my mother’s new rule faded. Unfortunately, that night Nikolai was extra talkative--excited as he insisted I stay for a little longer. Soon, I found his familiar good naturedness melting away my nerves and before I knew it I was laughing in the middle of the night. When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I had moved from the chair, ready to head back to my room.

Nikolai had looked at me oddly before he asked why would I leave so late when it would be easier for me to just sleepover? It was an innocent question, he did not know about my change and I had wanted to keep it that way.

I tried playing coy, but Nikolai has always had a talent for getting around my better judgement. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I remember him standing in front of me. It was the first time I noticed how much had actually changed over the years--he was now taller than me for the first time in his life. His hair had started to grow a little longer, golden and soft-looking--and his face seemed much more angular. But he had not lost his boyish charm.

“Y/n?” My name fell softly from his lips, and that was the first time I had ever noted the fullness of them. I didn’t understand why I considered that something worth noting. “Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

Perhaps I had been a little curt--nerves and hormones had left me not feeling like myself. I didn’t tell him about the bleeding, I couldn’t. That became the second secret I kept from him--but I did tell him that my mother had told me I was a woman now, and that women can’t have sleepovers. Not with those of the opposite gender. I made no effort to hide my confusion because I expected him to be as perplexed as I was. But he was not confused--in fact, he had the audacity to laugh. My face flushed, but I did not know why.

“Why is that funny?” Maybe he thought I was still too much of a child to be considered a woman. I assumed it a fair assumption, I had not grown the way he had--my shoulders had not become sturdier and I had not become particularly broader. Still, I would rather melt into the floor than tell him about the reason my mother now considered me a woman. “My mother did say that, and I don’t know what being a ‘woman’ has to do with staying in your room at night.” Something strange had crossed over his features then, something much more brooding than I was used to.

I had blinked at him as unexplained nerves pooled in my stomach. Perhaps that look would have been enough to keep me silent if he had managed to not grin. That self-assured grin that had always challenged me. “Well since you know everything about my mother now, maybe you can tell me why she’s been acting strange. She’s starting to act the way she did when we first became friends.” I expected him to at least pretend to be worried. Perhaps his parents had spoken to her and had mentioned wanting our friendship to end. But his grin had only grown. Pride left me angry. “She did say that I could stay if you ordered it--but I’m glad you’ve never ordered me to do anything, so I can leave right now because you’re acting as odd as her. I don’t understand what you could find funny about our friendship ending.”

He had stopped me from storming out of his room by placing one hand on the wall between me and the door. “Y/n, don’t be cross--I’ll explain it all, I promise.” Angry pride made me want to storm away from him, but curiosity and something unknown and warm kept me in place. “Do you remember when we read the play about the rival families, how the two main characters had kissed?”

I remembered that part of the play especially well. The concept of kissing so casually, outside of marriage, had been jarring to me. “Yes.”

“Now that we’re older, your mother must be worried that we might do that.” He paused before leaning against the arm he placed on the wall to keep me from leaving a little more. “Kiss.”

The clarification was not needed--in that brief pause, I had allowed myself to imagine no distance between our lips. Something in me burned with embarrassment when I realized that some part of me found the thought appealing. The only thing I wanted in that moment was assurance that Nikolai would never know I felt that. That was my third secret, and the weight of it was heavy against my chest.

Still, though, all of my confusion had not yet left. “Is there much harm in a kiss?”

The question had left an odd smile on his lips. “There’s potential harm in what it could lead to for the woman, but not so much for the man.” He exhaled slowly as my face tensed. He could always read me too well because he was quick to add, “What it could lead to isn’t a bad thing, it’s meant to be pleasurable, but it’s serious.” I did not understand, but a part of me was starting to grow okay with that. Nikolai’s voice had started to become lower than ever, and his gaze remained tense. Perhaps if I accepted the confusion for now, things could go back to normal. If the conversation ended, I could stop thinking of his lips and his hands and what it would mean for them to touch me. “It’s considered a vice, like drinking or gambling.” The additional comment helped more than it should have. A vice--not scary and not painful, but not something to indulge in. That’s enough explanation for now. “If you want to know, I won’t deny you.”

I appreciated the offer tremendously. The vice that comes after kissing is clearly something that’s been intentionally kept from me. It’s something he was privy to that I was not, and he offered it to me like so much else. But if knowledge that my mother feared us kissing made me think of his lips, then I doubted I could handle knowing what comes after kissing.

“I’ll let you know when I want to know, but I appreciate the offer.” It felt like a fair response. His snarky grin came back immediately. Irritation rooted itself in my stomach. I hated not knowing more than him for once, but I still had one question I could not relinquish. “But what does that vice have to do with orders?”

At that, his smugness faltered. “It’s not unheard of, for princes and handmaids--for a prince to obligate a handmaid in order to fulfill his vice. Though many handmaids fill the vice of their own will for benefits.

The explanation left him like a confession. I didn’t understand his hesitance--it’s not like he’d ever make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Even when I worked, he was hesitant to ask me to go out of my way to bring him a glass of water. And I couldn’t imagine gaining anything from offering Nikolai something I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t naive to the fact that my life had more privileges than many palace servants. “Oh.”

His eyes hardened. “You know I’d never--”

“I know.” It was finally easy to smile again. “I never thought otherwise.” Something in him seemed to ease at that, his eyes went from hard to warm in less than a second.

I had no more questions for him and I was also no longer a flight risk, but Nikolai did not move. He did not step back to create a more appropriate distance and he did not drop his arm. His gaze, however, did move--dropping downwards, and slightly away from my eyes. I did the same, my eyes falling to his lips.

The silence between us began to make me feel like something in me was in danger of overflowing. “Then I guess my mother is once again worrying for no reason.” Strangely, I did not feel the need to feel embarrassed about staring at his lips. “Because I would never particularly want to kiss you, Nikolai Lantsov.”

The comment was meant to be teasing, a joke to clear away unknown tension. I should have known better than to challenge his pride because he instinctually moved his hand off the wall and beneath my chin. I did not flinch when he tilted my head upwards slightly with his fingers. “I could get you to want to kiss me if I wanted to.”

Three secrets in one night. I did not think I could bear a fourth one. “Hm…” The ground we treaded on felt unstable, but something in me trusted Nikolai to not let me falter. “I should--I should go before I give my mother anymore cause to worry.”

His fingers had brushed down my chin easily as he dropped his hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

And that he did. The days passed without mention of the last time he asked me to sleepover. It was as if nothing had changed except now I found myself noting things I most definitely did not want to note. These didn’t feel like individual secrets because it felt easy to group each admirational thought into one secret. Soon, that became my new normal--easy banter, easy touches of hands, and easy yet silent admirations of his beauty.

I never wandered too hard about what the vice that kissing can lead to entailed. I didn't particularly want to know, but knowing that I could ask Nikolai at any time brought a sense of security to me. But besides that, I never thought of that conversation until the day I was asked to look for Nikolai because he was late for dinner.

That in itself was odd, most of the time when Nikolai was late it was because he was with you. I checked his room, two other rooms he was known to frequent, and then finally the library. First, I noticed a handmaid two years older than me. I was finally at an age when one begins to compare their beauty to those around them, and I recognized the girl as gorgeous. She was better endowed than me, physically, and she always seemed fun. And then I noticed Nikolai, standing closer to her than I’ve ever seen him stand to anyone. His expression was serious as the girl giggled.

Nikolai’s expression shifted from tense to shocked when he saw me. “Y/n.”

It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize what I had interrupted. Guilt and jealousy were quick to twist in my stomach. “Dinner--your parents sent me to look for you.”

He was quick to walk around the girl, who was quick to glare at me. I attempted to disappear down the hall after mumbling a quick apology, but Nikolai was faster than me.

“Y/n,” he did not hesitate to grab my wrist.

It shouldn’t have irked me the way it did, after all, neither of us had ever really hesitated to touch each other. I had always reached for him when I wanted him, and he had done the same. But the thought of the same hands that touched the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on me left me bitter in a way I didn’t understand.

Still, I pushed through all of that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, your mother asked me to look for you because she assumed you’d be with me when you were late to dinner. I didn’t think that there’d be--”

“You didn’t interrupt anything.” The words came out flat as his eyes took on the same quality they did the night he explained my mother’s concern to me. “Valaria wishes there was something to interrupt, but there wasn’t.”

Oh. I refused to let the correction inflate me. “Would you like me to not come to your room tonight?”

The offer felt awkward to make. “No,” the answer came quickly, “In fact, go there now--I want to see you right after dinner. I’ve missed you today.” The instruction left my face feeling warm. “We could read an extra chapter of our book if you’d like.”

Despite myself, I grinned. “Yes.”

“Looking forward to it.”

True to his word, Nikolai was quick to return to his room. He had come back to me eagerly, going out of his way to squeeze my shoulder as he entered the room.

I opened the book to the chapter we had left off on, but before I could start reading, Nikolai stopped me. “Sit next to me?”

The question came softly. It had been some time since we sat next to each other on his bed. Still, I moved off of the chair and to his bed. Something in me longed for the familiar closeness of childhood. I allowed him to play with my fingers as I read.

“You know you could take one night off from me if you wanted to.” The admission left me softly, part of unsure if he was still paying attention to my words. “She was pretty, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if you told me you wanted me to not come tonight.”

Nikolai exhaled easily, squeezing my fingers once. “I said I wanted to see you and I meant it.”

It took all of my energy to push past the way his words made my stomach leap. “In general, if you ever--”

Nikolai cut me off by laying his head on my lap the way he used to. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the first time in years that he spoke to me in a way that acknowledged his authority. “Keep reading please.”

And that was the last time we had ever mentioned other handmaids in that context. The fifth secret I ever kept from him was the way I worried that one day that would change.

--

The door creaks open while I’m in the middle of fluffing an already pristine pillow. Nikolai steps into the room, but I continue to work.

“Darling,” he breathes too easily, “Today has been painful.” I straighten, looking at him as casually as I can manage. “And now I have to deal with you being mad at me.”

Damn him and his ability to read me with one look. “I’m not mad.”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” he sighs, stepping forward, “We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I press my lips together, irrational anger pushing itself into me at an odd angle. “We’ve also known each other too long to keep secrets.”

His eyebrows draw together, a look so quizzical I’m reminded of our schooling days. “What secrets have I kept from you?”

Mentioning that had been a mistake. I exhale as flatly as possible. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” My dismissal only has Nikolai’s expression hardening. I drop my gaze. “Unless you need something, I’m retiring my services for the evening.”

I take a reluctant step towards the door, eyes attached to the floor. “Y/n,” his voice is gentle. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” Please let that be at least somewhat believable. “I’m sure I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” I take another step, a little more assured. Nikolai’s hand is on my shoulder before I can escape. “Nikolai--”

“Y/n,” his voice is that of velvet, “I can’t have you be mad at me. Not now.”

Sighing, I meet his gaze. The tiredness I see behind his eyes is almost enough to chase away my nerve. What I’d give to be able to melt into our familiar routine. “Then you should have told me you were almost engaged to a literal Saint--the same literal Saint who’s one of my closest friends.”

Nikolai’s expression shifts as his hand drops from my shoulder slowly, fingers brushing down my arm before he finally intertwines our fingers. I bite my tongue to avoid squeezing his hand, but I don’t move to separate us either. He studies me silently, eyebrows drawn together. The longer he stares, the more whatever turmoil he’s experiencing seems to dissipate. After a minute of silence, I can read his expression perfectly. His lips are pressed together in that coy way--the way he only looks when he’s suppressing a smile.

I loathe him for it. “Nikolai Lantsov, don’t you dare laugh--not after what you did. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have Alina casually mention the fact that you almost married her casually? Like that was common knowledge to everyone but me?”

My words break away the last of his self control. He grins, flashing his annoyingly perfect teeth. “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to want nothing more than to see you and then you let me believe something may actually be wrong when the only issue is your jealousy?”

The amusement in his tone is like poison to me. I find the strength to jerk my hand away from him. “I am not jealous.” He laughs; I am further enraged. “I am not.” The genuineness of my anger must finally register on some level, because he tries to suppress his smile. “I have every right to be mad at my best friend for not telling me that he was almost married.”

“We didn’t exactly come close,” he manages, expression still much too light for my taste. “I’m glad for Alina’s sake, I’m not sure being a Saint would be enough to protect her.”

He is infuriating. “I’m not sure anything you have will be enough to protect you.”

Something in his gaze shifts, softening the tilt of his mouth. “I don’t doubt that.”

I don’t know what I expected from him--but not this. I thought he’d be at least somewhat apologetic. “You should have told me.”

“I would have if I felt it was significant.”

“I’m your best friend--your marriage is significant to me. And even though it’s not like you’re engaged to her right now, you should have told me. You know I talk to Alina all the time.”

He sighs once, a hint of apology threatening to ghost over his eyes. “If I knew not knowing would have upset you so much I would have told you. I was--I was just so excited to be around you again I didn’t see much relevance in anything that didn’t involve you.”

The intensity that Nikolai regards me with is enough to wither all of my fury. But without my anger, I am left spiraling in emotion that I’ve been pushing against for years. My mother’s warning about relationships with those above us rings in my ears--sharp and headache inducing. I am still when he reaches for my hand again, but I do no allow myself to return the gentle squeeze of his fingers.

“I’m not sure much outside of you has significance.” He’s giving me a look I am familiar with. A look he often uses to chase away my anger.

Without my anger, I have nothing to keep me from melting into him, indulging in his presence fully. It’s so easy with him and I blinded myself to the danger of that. He may not be marrying Alina, but one day he will marry someone. A person worthy of his status--and what would I be left doing? Washing their laundry? Tearing up when I dusted the library and came across a book we had read together? Enough damage has already been done--I need to cut myself with this blade now in hopes of making sure I can one day recover.

He will get married one day, and nothing will be the same. And that’s a good thing--he deserves the love of a princess or queen. I want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. But some vindictive part of me hopes that some part of him will miss me. That some part of him will be dulled without me.

I’m a fool--he will remember me as the handmaid from his youth. The girl who made him laugh once or twice before he grew up. I force my hand out of his grasp. “You can’t win me over with words every time.” I need to get out of here before he says something that makes me lose all resolve. “Tomorrow morning I’ll be here to prepare you for breakfast.”

“Y/n.”

I step forward, refusing to look at him. “Goodnight.”

He sighs, his hand quick to grab my arm. Before I can question him I feel myself pulled back. I expect him to pull me just close enough so that I have to meet his gaze. He continues, pulling me sharply before placing a quick hand on my shoulder, forcing me down. My back hits his bed.

I sit up as soon as the reality of what just happened seeps into my mind. “Nikolai, what in the Saints--”

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one.”

I scoff, thoughts of escaping him put on hold by the principle of pride. Fine. I’ll beat him one last time, and then I’ll let us separate. I shove him. He laughs--of course this is funny to him. He got to keep fighting past the age of about eleven. His laughter adds to my anger, I move to shove him again, but he catches my wrist easily. I struggle against his hold, shoving him a third time with my still free hand. He pushes me slightly. That’s all it takes to unleash familiar habits.

Our small fight is hardly fair. He has all the advantage--more training, and he’s standing above me. When I finally make a move that might give me some success, Nikolai leans forward. He practically tackles me, his weight forcing me flat against the bed.

I move an arm, ready to push him off of me. Nikolai snags my wrists, holding them above my head. “This means I win.” I roll my eyes, anger returning.

“Let me go.”

He sighs tiredly, but the smugness radiating off of him is suffocating. “Admit that you were jealous.”

There are a lot of things I am willing to do for him--but never that. I cannot give him the one separation I still have. “I wasn’t.”

“Then why are you mad?”

I press my lips together. “I told you--”

“Do you really think you could lie to me?”

“You don’t know me that well.”

Nikolai moves his freehand, touching my chin as a way to ask me to look at him. I meet his gaze hesitantly. “Yes, I do, and that’s never bothered you before but it does now.”

Maybe this is a conversation better had bluntly. “It bothers me now because you’re too old to hold onto the daughter of a palace handmaid and I’m too old to pretend that our different statuses don’t matter.”

“Y/n,” he breathes, “Nothing’s changed. Status didn’t matter to me when we were children, and it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“You can afford to say things like that.”

“What good is my title if it means I can’t,” he pauses, eyes hesitant, “If I can’t keep things the same between us?”

I smile, the sadness of the look weighs on me and I can’t even see it. “Nikolai, you always knew things would change.”

“No, I--”

“You can’t tell me you think your future wife would like you having such a close relationship with a handmaid.” I press my lips together. “One day you’ll fall in love and get married and you’ll want me to leave your bedchamber as soon as dinner is over because you’ll be eager to spend time with your wife.” His gaze hardens. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thi--”

The last syllable of my sentence dies in my throat. Nikolai, who must be possessed by something, leans down and presses his lips against mine. I beg myself to resist, but his gentleness is everything I’ve ever wanted. He releases my hands in favor of holding my face. That’s all it takes--my hands move without my permission, into his hair--pulling him closer to me. What am I doing? I’m insane. Placing my hands on his chest cautiously, I push just slightly. He’s quick to obey, pulling away while allowing his teeth to brush against my bottom lip.

I gape at him--taking in his now slightly swollen lips. “Nikolai.” He can’t do this to me. We’re friends. Despite the fact that I’ve loved him more than I should--we’re friends. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

He draws his eyebrows together, sitting up quickly and moving off of me. “I’m being unfair? I have spent my entire life loving y--”

I sit up, furious in a new way. “You have not!” This is the dumbest I have ever been. I move to stand, still feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

“Your tooth fell out.” The sharpness of his words forces me to still.

“What?”

I can’t bring myself to turn and look at him, but I’ve always been able to feel any heaviness he bears. The weight of it leaves little room for air in my lungs. “You were ten. I told you ‘girls couldn’t fight’ so you punched me in the face. That was the first time we ever fought--I didn’t mean to hit you in the face, but you moved. You moved and I hit you in the mouth and your last baby tooth fell out. I expected you to cry or get angry, but you just blinked at me and laughed. You were happy to lose your last baby tooth because it meant you were grown up. And then you smiled and asked me if you looked older. If anything, the gap in your smile made you look younger but I told you that you looked like a grown-up because I wanted you to keep smiling. Because your smile made me feel like I won something.” I turn on my heels, but I cannot meet his gaze. “That was the moment I fell in love with you--so don’t tell me I haven’t spent my entire life loving you.”

The weight of his words is harder to survive against than the heaviness of his feelings. “Nikolai, you know we can’t ever be together--”

“Why not?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I manage, voice low, “You almost married the Sun Summoner--”

“That was political--”

“Exactly, your marriage is meant to be political, and if it happens to be out of love--which is what I hope you get, because it is what you deserve--it will be to someone of status.”

Nikolai stands, the movement is that of a king, not the boy I know. “I do not want status or to love someone else--I want you.”

“I can’t take that from you--”

“You can’t take anything from me because I’ve already given it all to you.”

I press my lips together, heart tearing for him. “I love you too much to ruin you.”

My words seem to snap something in him because his eyes darken, the way he watches me adjusting accordingly. “You can’t ruin something that’s always been yours.”

I let myself smile. At him. At his words. At the foolish hope the child in me has clung to after all of these years. I reach for him thoughtlessly, because I have the right to. Because I’ve always had the right to. He’s quick to respond, kissing me with much more security than before.

This time, he pulls away of his own regard. “You still haven’t admitted that you were jealous.”

His teasing smugness isn’t as sour to me anymore. “I wasn’t.”

Nikolai pulls me towards him easily, lips threatening to brush against me, warm breath against my face. “Are you sure, darling? You were awfully quick to claim what’s yours.”

I roll my eyes, grinning so widely I’m surprised my face doesn’t yet hurt. “You’re the one that fell for a ten-year-old girl with a bloody mouth.”

When he smiles back at me, he places a hand on my hip, pulling me forward slightly. “That I did.” He pulls me forward slightly. "Does this mean you can sleep in here again?"

"If anything, this is more reason for me to sleep in another room." He rolls his eyes, pulling me even closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

Nikolai leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Deal."

tags: @deardiarystuff @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

[stopeatingwhales]

the 1995 brits x damon albarn & liam gallagher

hhhiiii I'm here with a very cute little fic about the brits!! the idea of writing something with Damon and liam fighting over someone was requested quite a long time ago (sorry it’s taken so long omg) but I loved the idea!! I do hope you all enjoy it as I enjoyed writing it a lot hahah xx

Pairing: 90s damon albarn & 90s liam gallagher x reader

Warnings: nothing, just a little bit of bickering n dat

Word count: 3.057

Requested by anon x

༉‧₊˚✧

Being a part of the madness that adapted the name ‘Britpop’ was truly an experience. Paparazzi at every corner you turn, equipped with the brightest, flashiest cameras, also having the most annoying click noises to the point that after one image you’ve earned yourself a migraine that would last the entirety of the day; parties that would last entire nights, bearing millions of different kinds of drugs - some that hadn’t even been given a name yet, but you’d still give a try anyways, since you’re so high and drunk that you simply lose the intellectual capability to construct decisions, you say fuck it, and get so high to the point that you’ve blacked out in a booth in a bar, with the owner asking you to get out since you’ve been inside for one too many hours after closing time; as well as constant press coverage. With your name plastered over literally every newspaper and music magazine known to man, as well as having your entire life consistently dictated for the entire nation to read about every Sunday morning and indulge themselves into as a form of entertainment, it was what being famous delivered, right on your doorstep at 7 in the morning. Any earlier and you’d feel rude not to give them a cup of tea as a form of dignity and respect towards their sublime dedication to the job. Although it was fun being associated with it all, my band in particular gaining a different form of calidity due to it being a female fronted band, by the time that the entire nation was hooked on this ‘Blur vs. Oasis’ rivalry, it was as if every other britpop band had been washed away from existence, due to eight boys arguing as to whom had the better music. And the better looks, according to Liam Gallagher.

Tonight was the night of the Brit awards, perhaps the most prestigious awards ceremony for music. To be awarded a Brit was probably the largest achievement possible in British music in the form of an award, and it was definitely either going tonight to either Blur or Oasis. The chances that another band, say Pulp, were to get the award, would not only be extremely amusing to see the reactions of the two biggest names in the Britpop game, but would also cause the largest uproar in the nation. It’s either Blur or Oasis. “Their drama is so silly,” laughed Emily, the guitarist in our band whilst flicking through the latest edition of the Sun, the cover of the newspaper being, of course, Liam Gallagher. “They’re literally bickering about who looks the best. How do people find this interesting?”

“Because of how silly it is, people never leave their secondary-school-like selves. Just a bit of fun I guess.” I replied, fixing up my hair in the mirror in front of me. We were currently getting ready to go to the award show, and needing to look your best was an expectation. Though I wasn’t dressed in anything that would result in jaw’s dropping, it was important that I at least appeared somewhat admirable - the entire nation always had their eyes on us, but tonight they were going to see us all, live. Perhaps the reason why bands like Oasis and Blur are so obsessed over nowadays, since all they’ll do is turn up in some flimsy Adidas t-shirt and call that fashion. I suppose scruffy was the new elegant.

“Who do you think they’ll give the award to?” she questioned, still aimlessly flicking through the recycled pages of the magazine. “I think Oasis. Their music is so much better than Blurs.”

“Really? I’d say Blur. They won on top of the pops, so the likelihood of them winning the Brit award is highly likely,” I answered, shuffling away from the strong reflection of myself towards Emily, my eyes quickly scanning the page that she had her eye on currently. “Gosh Liam’s so full of himself.”

“He’s got his eye on you, you know,” She said, shoving the paragraph she had just read in my face of Liam boasting about his little crush he had supposedly gained from watching our latest performance on top of the pops. “Thinks you’re ‘well fit’.”

Scoffing in response, I mumbled back to Emily. “If he thinks that he’s sleeping with me, he’s very deluded.”

By the time we had arrived at the venue, you weren’t able to walk into the entrance without at least 50 cameras blinding your eyes and the shouts of so many begging for you to quickly turn your head and grin - the price for the photo would reach the many thousands. Once walking in, it was less crowded, only having select people by the ground floor, dedicated for musicians and bands, with the occasional interviewer walking past to every circled table, adorned with white cloth and champagne glasses, asking questions about how they’re feeling, who they think may win, and what they thought of the music throughout the past year. What was nice was that people didn’t have that much interaction with one another, just with their groups. It created a sense of formality in the space, which made me feel a bit at ease from the idea of some random row happening in the middle of the floor, most likely between Liam and Damon. The past year in music was truly something. Britpop was at its peak the entirety of the year, with songs like Parklife and Supersonic pouring out of every radio station in Britain that by the end of the year, you had ditched casual radio music and began blasting the classical station. It was a nightmare. Since the fall of grunge subsequent to Cobain’s death the previous year, the talk of any other genre in Britain apart from Britpop didn’t occur. It was as if we were living on this mystical island, miles away from any other music and culture, whilst adorning and obsessing over our own. What was nice about Britpop was that it was a pure celebration of English culture, whether it be a simple Sunday roast, or going to school, they all carried the same ambience of nostalgia and pride - also disregarding whichever band wrote what song.

“Free champagne… Yes please,” said Madeline, the secondary guitarist of the band, whilst heading to the first seat she could sit on, then quickly indulging herself with the first taste of the rich drink. “Oh my gosh it’s heavenly!”

Laughing at her reaction, the rest of the band took a seat around the table and took their first sips of the champagne, which we would all come to find to be indeed heavenly. Small talk was shared here and there with the rest of the group, but overall I stayed silent. In all honesty I found attending award shows was quite boring because if you didn’t end up getting an award, you would essentially be sitting there for two hours doing nothing. Even if you did win an award, it’s simply a minute of glory with the speakers blasting your music, and another minute of all eyes piercing into your soul as you make sentences about your gratitude towards those who had helped you along the way to earn such an achievement. I doubt anybody genuinely liked attending shows like these.

“The champagne is good, yet we don’t get enough for our table,” I complained, grasping my now empty champagne glass and waving it around in the air. “I’m gonna head to the bar to get a refill, anybody want anything?”

After receiving a handful of nos from the rest of the band, I took myself out of my seat and wandered over to the bar, which was empty, perhaps due to the venue not yet being completely filled with all the artists that were set to attend the night. “Just a refill of the champagne, please.” I asked politely, handing the bartender the used glass I had kept in my hand. Whilst waiting, I noticed that Damon was on the other side of the bar, who also didn’t notice me there, until he caught eyes with me.

A grin broke out on his face as I walked over to him. “You alright?” He asked me, quickly thanking the bartender for his drink and turning back to look at me. The height difference between us was evident, but it wasn’t the case of something so dramatic that he was the height of the empire state building and me, just a measly common tower in the city. He looked quite content, his hair scruffy yet neat, along with his outfit being just as I had assumed: a white shirt with jeans, a used pair of Adidas for shoes.

I smiled back at him and nodded. “Suppose you have high hopes for the award tonight.” I said, simultaneously receiving my refill of the beverage I had ordered, followed by my thanks. We stood adjacent, although there was enough distance between us to establish our relationship - mutual acquaintances whom had met every now and again, since they’ve both been dragged into this wormhole of madness. He was quite the opposite in comparison to his rivals, though he himself could be quite bothersome occasionally, he still had a grasp to what those may call sensibility.

“Oh well we’re better than them, aren’t we love?'' He chirped, his head now cocked to the side in a teasing manner. “I’ve heard that you’re rooting for us this year.” He added, a little smirk pasted on his face.

“Do you read every paper you see?” I questioned, my face turning away from him in slight embarrassment. Between us, there was no shared intention for a relationship to stem, though there was definitely a flirtatious tension that followed between us wherever we had met. Whether it be a random photoshoot for a magazine double-spread, or backstage at top of the pops, we always managed to share a chat with one another, and nothing else followed on from then. It was quite sad, because once you’ve established a connection between something you either both disagree or agree with in terms of societal views, something in the press, or life in general, you’re instantaneously cut off and asked to hop onto stage to record a meaningless three-minute performance with fake, plastic instruments which practically mean nothing.

“Well it was nice seeing someone else's face on the papers for once.” He replied, downing his drink, then ushering at the bartender for another. A thing that we both realised was that, between our conversations, we indirectly indicated that we were both there for each other, because we both had a complete understanding towards what may be happening to the other person. It was stressful being in the limelight constantly, and for someone who was the frontman of a band so large, with his face plastered on every magazine cover imaginable, things were bound to be stressful.

Sighing, I turned to face him again. Despite the fact that before I had the ability to respond, our conversation was cut short from a voice shouting my name from behind. “Well if it isn’t bloody Y/N.” the voice said, and from then I instantly knew it was Liam’s. Turning my face away from Damon’s, I locked eyes with Liam. As always, he was dressed in the usual: a parka, with casual jeans. Oh, and don’t forget the Adidas shoes. Even though he and Damon practically hated each other’s guts, they always seemed to have similar fashion senses, but I could never picture Damon in a parka. And I don’t think I even want to.

“How’ve you been love?” He asked, swinging his arm around my shoulder in a warm, but nonchalant manner. Me and Liam had a similar relationship to that of mine and Damons, simply just minusing the sentimentality of it. We were friends, and had come across each other at random parties, which opened the gateway for us to drink and get high together many a time. While he was quite the idiot, he was also a very fun guy to be around, but I knew Damon would never understand that. “And why’re you letting this twat chat to you?”

A laugh escaped Damon’s throat. “I think you’re the only twat here, Liam,” he began, a sigh leaving my mouth as I was trapped in a situation that I could only pray didn’t gain much traction from the rest of the attendees. “Me and Y/N are friends, don’t suppose we’re getting jealous are we?”

Liam’s grip on my shoulder tightened as I stared at his reaction to Damon. I felt quite small in this situation, due to me needing to tilt my head a good amount to properly look at Liam, and knowing if I left it would just erupt chaos and make it worse. “No need for me to be jealous when I know that she wouldn’t want to spend a minute with you in bed you bastard.”

“And you’re so sure about that are you?” Damon replied, amusement laced in his words. “Because you’ve totally spent a minute with her haven’t you?”

“Well I’ve got my arm around her haven’t I? And she’s not stopping me,” Liam argued back, a smirk entwined on his lips. Reaching for my hand, Liam grasped it lightly, then then brought it to his lips, kissing it, before holding it gently. Method of intimidation, perhaps, and though it was sweet, there was a time and place. And this was definitely neither the time, or place. “Who’s the jealous one now, eh?”

“The last I recall, she had hoped that we were winning this year, not you,” He boasted, moving the contents of his drink around whilst grasping it firmly. Whilst it would be something that would offend Liam, he was simply the type of person to not take criticism regardless of whomever it was coming from. I respected him for that. “So much so for a healthy relationship.” Damon mocked, staring into my eyes as a small laugh escaped my lips.

Granted that I had found the argument shared between the pair of them to be extremely silly, it was good entertainment as the time passed before the award show would begin. Watching them both, attempting to throw insults at one another, each one trying to cut a little deeper than the one previous, made me almost laugh at the both of them right there. “You know, it’s so silly that you both think you know me so well to think which one I’d pick from the both of you,” I said, detaching myself from Liam’s embrace and snatching my half-empty glass of champagne. “At this point, it’s neither of you.”

Walking back to my band’s designated table, I quietly took my seat as the show began. “Saw you chatting to Damon,” Emily whispered, raising her eyebrows. “Also saw you grinning like a madwoman.”

“Oh shut up you,” I replied, looking back at the bar to notice that both parties had left, assuming back to their places. “There’s nothing going on between me and Damon- Liam too in fact.”

~~~

As the ceremony went on, the boredom got to us. Even the amount of drinks I had didn’t entertain me, but what could we do, we were stuck in the middle of an award show celebrating music, even though I had largely doubted that the majority of those attending were enjoying themselves. I had no clue who the awards were going to be handed out to, and whether that somebody may be us in a category, but we all knew Blur were going to win something. Yes, Oasis had gained a lot of fame and had become one of the most famous bands in the music scene at the minute, but by the way things had gone for Blur after the release of Parklife, things only seemed to go further up from there. And that was only proven to be truthful, after Blur had left with four different awards.

After Blur had received their fourth award for best British group, we all knew that there was nothing left for Oasis. “They’ll get it all next year, they only debuted this year you know.” I said to the table, who were staring at the four smiley boys on stage as they trotted up to receive their award. I admired Damon as he said his speech, then also turning to look over at Liam, who looked quite evidently pissed off. He was practically drooling in anger from the sight brought to him at that particular moment, and I couldn’t blame him - their band hadn't gone home with one award that night, but neither had ours. “They’ve taken four awards home, isn’t that like, the most anybody has ever taken?”

“Indeed it is,” Madeline replied, taking a sip from her drink. “Must be a good year for them then, eh?”

As I watched the band leave the stage in absolute glee, I stared at Damon as he walked back to his designated seat for the short remainder of the evening. Despite the fact that my band had been sat in our seats the entire evening in complete boredom, just like Oasis and so many other acts that had been nominated for pointless awards, it would be a lie to say that I wasn’t proud of how far Blur as a whole had come and evolved through their music, and especially Damon. From beginning as young, bowl-cut boys only charting so far on top of the pops, to creating songs and melodies that could unite our entire nation, it was impressive.

Damon was the face of Britain at this very moment, and a very good looking one. Once I watched him sit down, he scanned the room for a while until he was able to find where I was sitting, which was parallel to his seat, merely a couple metres away. He connected eyes with me as soon as he found me, also accompanied with a small smirk painted on his expression as he raised his eyebrows and sent me a wink. I simply smiled back at him in response before turning away abruptly, disrupting the little moment we seemingly shared, and though I felt my heart flutter a little, he’s definitely not winning me that easily.

[yellow-faerie]

do you have tips for writing strong relationships? i've started writing fanfiction but i struggle with writing relationships (both platonic and romantic) well, and your fic is so good!

Hi anon! Firstly, thank you very much for the compliment - it pleases me greatly when someone compliments my writing :D

Secondly, writing advice! Now with the caveat that I am by no means an expert in writing as most of my writing style comes from quite a few years of trial and error, I'll try and explain (to the best of my ability) how I write relationships to be realistic and enjoyable to read. I kinda just started rambling so enjoy I guess!

Now first of all, the two characters interacting have to have something that draws them together. If they are fairly similar in personality/interests, it could be a rivalry over that shared interest or that's used as something that helps them bond and get closer. If they are quite different characters, perhaps a curiosity over the other or a rivalry again.

Deciding how they come together is mostly an instinct, I think? And sometimes the characters just don't work together despite you desperately wanting them to and you have to cut your losses and change something up (or decide the relationship is that they just don't really have one - awkwardness is sometimes quite fun to write)

Having that basis for how they get together will shape the first part of their relationship (if not all of it). A rivalry at the beginning might mean that their further relationship is quite bickering and maybe a little mean (in good spirit) and the rivalry might cause some tension in the relationship because they want something more.

I think the best way to write relationships is to know that the characters come first. Let's take Daeron and Maglor from the Silmarillion as an example as to what I mean:

So we have Daeron, a somewhat hardened elf who never saw the light and pleasantries of Valinor, who lost the woman he loved/his sister (depending on your interpretation) to a mortal life she never should have had. He is a minstrel, first and foremost, and he invented an alphabet the dwarves still use today. His home is destroyed and he fades into the histories.

And we have Maglor, an elf prince born in paradise who saw his family killed, one by one, and participated in four kinslayings. He too is a minstrel and he is an incredibly sad character, ultimately.

But how would a relationship between them play out, if it ever occurred?

If they meet at the beginnjng of the first age, they're both proud so they would likely look at the other minstrel who claims he is the greatest among the elves and scoff. It's a rivalry that drives them and there is the initial emotion - a jealousy, perhaps, but mostly a desire to see the other taken down a peg.

But if they meet later, soon after the destruction of Beleriand, they have both lost a lot, and Daeron would have lost a lot to Maglor specifically as he committed a kinslaying against his people. There's a good deal of anger there and Maglor is frankly pathetic at the end of the first age as he has done a lot of atrocious things and he is grieving and hurt.

So what brings them back together? Fate? Daeron's pity? A curiosity? A combination of all of them?

That's up to your specific interpretation of the characters but it's the characters that drive that choice. The characters wants and needs need to be in consideration when writing a relationship and if you write something that doesn't fit that characterisation then it loses some of what made it that particular relationship.

As for romantic and platonic relationships, I have never been able to find the sure line between them other than the level of commitment one person is willing to give another. I think the same advice applies to both types of relationship.

So the short answer, among all the rambling, is that a relationship should be character driven not driven by the narrative or perhaps the relationship tropes (which can be easy to do, I do it myself sometimes).

I hope this helps!

[hotel-japanifornia]

The Essence of Maya Remaining in Kurain

Introduction -

Something that I’ve noticed about this fandom is that some people seem to get confused about why Maya chooses to stay in Kurain and become the Master. after 3-5. This action does contradict her openly expressing that she wants nothing to do with the Fey clan anymore right before she testifies; however, there is a moment near the end of the case which sheds some much needed light on Maya’s decision. It’s a moment that often gets overlooked by the fandom, but it is important to understanding Maya’s character as it explores her motivation for staying in Kurain, and eventually inheriting the title of Master. Alongside that, there are also a few complications to Maya leaving that need to be addressed. What I would like to do is first provide a run-down of this moment in question, break it down, and then provide my own analysis. 

Run-down -

For context: this moment takes place after Maya and Phoenix go to look for Pearl at the Inner Temple. They enter the shrine and at first, it seems as if nobody else is there. Phoenix looks around and points out to Maya that the scroll of her mother, which had been covered in gravy, is now back to the way it was before.

Pearl then makes a sudden appearance. Maya asks why she ran away and this is how she responds:

Although Morgan’s plan didn’t work out as intended, it did take the life of Misty Fey, Maya’s long-lost mother and the former Master. Even though her death was due to circumstances that Pearl could not have foreseen nor controlled, she feels responsible for it occurring. After all, if it hadn’t been for her going to the Inner Temple, nobody would have died. This makes it all the more shocking to her when Maya replies with the following: 

To her surprise, Maya’s not mad at Pearl for what happened. She doesn’t blame her, she doesn’t scold her. All she does is reassure Pearl gently that none of it was her fault. Most curiously, she goes on to say that although she’s sad that her mother’s gone, she still feels happy. Considering her earlier behavior during her testimony, that’s an interesting choice of words. So what exactly does she mean by that?:

Maya delivers a mini-speech in which she says that the only reason she’s still here right now is because of the people who there for her when she needed it most. It is for those people that Maya wishes to stay strong and it’s also the reason she can stay happy. She truly feels indebted to them and it’s because of their genuine desire to help her that she is motivated to keep moving forward..

Among the people she lists comes up one name: Pearl. Her cousin didn’t expect to be forgiven for what occurred; so for Maya to not only reassure her that she did nothing wrong but was also one of the people who helped her must have shocked Pearl to her core. And judging by her reaction, that is exactly what she needed to hear.

(On a side note: at the beginning of Maya’s speech, the music cuts out. This puts the focus on what Maya is saying and makes it feel like an intimate conversation between two cousins.)

How is it Important? -

As mentioned earlier, this scene is important to understanding Maya’s character. Not only that, but it is also important to understanding Pearl’s character as well.

The reason why it’s important for Pearl is that it gives us insight into her true nature which is a kindhearted, if somewhat naive, little girl who only wants the best for the people around her. There were two instances earlier in which this has been implied: in 3-2, when Maya reveals that Pearl only wanted Maya and Phoenix to get together because of all the unhappy marriages she’s seen in Kurain Village; and in 3-5, when Phoenix notes that the only reason Pearl went along with Morgan’s plot was because her mother said that it would be “for the good of the Fey clan”, and as a result assumed that it would help her beloved cousin. This moment is the first time that we actually get to see this trait on display from her as she makes it clear that she only ran away because she felt responsible for her aunt’s death. She did this with the intention of never seeing her cousin or Phoenix again to the point that she was praying for their happiness in their lives without her.

As for how it’s important to understanding Maya’s character, there’s two reasons. The first is that it’s yet another example of Maya’s ability to show her strength in the face of adversity. However, the previous times when she has needed to be strong, it’s when her life’s at danger. This moment is different because right now, she’s not presently in danger; as a matter of fact, her life was saved only three days ago. But even so, she chooses to be strong for Pearl and everyone else that was there for her.

She knows that Pearl is dealing with great emotional turmoil as she has to deal with knowing that her mother wanted to use her to kill Maya. Instead of focusing on her pain alone, she chooses to put on a brave face for her cousin and is willing to comfort her by saying that none of this was her fault. Not only is that strong, but it’s a very mature thing to do as well.

The second reason why this moment is so important for her is that it answers the question as to what motivation Maya has for staying. And to figure out the answer, we need to ask ourselves a few questions: first, what consequences would arise if Maya were to leave; secondly, if nothing’s preventing her from leaving, for what reason does she stay; and finally are there any risks involved if she does choose to stay?  

1. Consequences of Leaving -

The first question to be posed is whether or not Maya leaving and abdicating from the title of Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique would hold any consequences. Indeed, it would make sense if Maya did leave considering all that tragedy that has befallen her due to her heritage as her aunt not only tried to frame her for murder, but tried to have her killed in a plot that resulted in the death of her mother. However, leaving Kurain is not as simple as it would at first seem. This is due to the existence of Maya’s cousin, Pearl.

Pearl has been severely traumatized due to the events of 3-5. She was manipulated by her mother into going along with a plan that she said was “for the good of the Fey clan” which unbeknownst to her at the time, would have resulted in the death of Maya. Luckily, it didn’t go quite as Morgan intended it to, but it still resulted in the death of Pearl’s aunt and idol. Because of this betrayal, Pearl is going to be in dire need of a parental figure more than ever, and judging by their interactions, Maya is willing to provide that for her. 

And honestly, it’s quite understated how wise of a move that is for her.

It would have been easy for Maya to blame Pearl for the injustices that her mother had committed and to punish her to take revenge on Morgan.

It would have been easy for Maya to abandon Pearl; to run away from her old life and leave her cousin to deal with the problems that come from their heritage.

But she doesn’t do either of those things: 

Maya never once blames Pearl for anything that happened.

She never runs away. Nor does she so much as think about it, aside from that one line at the beginning of her testimony.

And I think it’s because she’s well aware of the tragedy that comes from within her own bloodline. She’s aware of the constant feuding that has occurred between the main family and branch family; it’s because of that very same rivalry that her sister left the village. And it’s for that reason that that she knows that leaving Pearl saddled with the responsibilities of becoming the Master at her age would not be a good idea.

She also wouldn’t feel too comfortable leaving Pearl behind at all? The reason why being is that there are other branch family members who are power-hungry and vengeful just like Morgan was. These people either aligned with Morgan in the past or want to wipe out the main family regardless of who’s in charge. By leaving Pearl to take on the responsibilities of Master, her life would be threatened constantly.

One could argue that Pearl could banish those jealous family members and implement her own changes. And while it is true that she could do something about those issues, there’s still a problem here. This lies in the simple fact that Pearl has been traumatized both emotionally and mentally. Her mother tried to have her cousin killed and wanted to use her to do it; and in a scenario where Maya abdicates, her own cousin abandoned her. This would heavily affect Pearl and as a result, she wouldn’t be a productive leader at all, not only because of her age, but she would also lack genuine emotional support from the people around her when she needs it most. While it is true that Maya has suffered a lot as well, she still has emotional support in the form of Pearl and Phoenix both, and that keeps her going. Pearl wouldn’t necessarily have that.

2. What does Maya stay in Kurain for? -

For this next question, let’s suppose that there was nothing preventing Maya from leaving Kurain Village. In this scenario, Maya could just leave whenever she pleased and abdicate from the role as Master. If this were the case however, why would Maya stay in Kurain Village? An obvious answer would be that Maya feels the need to uphold her family’s traditions, but if earlier she said that she didn’t want anything more to do with the Fey clan, then that can’t be the only factor at play here.

One of these factors, as mentioned before, is her little cousin, Pearl. Pearl and Maya have a very close relationship despite their differences in age and their respective positions in the Fey clan. It can be reasoned that Maya wants Pearl to live a normal and happy childhood, free from the pressures that come from being the Master. 

Another factor could be that Maya wants to honor the people who helped her when she needed it most: her sister, Mia; her mother; Misty; her partner and best friend, Phoenix, Diego Armando; and her cousin, Pearl. Now, what do all of these people have in common? They’re all responsible for saving Maya’s life at some point.

In Mia’s case, she saved Maya’s life from the spirit of Dahlia Hawthorne. It’s unknown if Maya was able to describe her attacker very well in the note she wrote to Mia. She knew they sounded like a woman and she may have even seen a faint outline of Dahlia’s body from the red lights emanating from Godot’s visor, but other than that, she was likely only to provide a very rough description. For Mia, it’s likely that there weren’t very many options as to who it could’ve been: Morgan’s in jail, and Dahlia has a personal vendetta against Mia. Regardless, Mia was able to provide her sister with the instructions needed to save her life.

Misty and Diego made an attempt to save her life through trying to prevent Morgan’s plan from happening. The former tried to distract Pearl by offering to read children’s books with her in the room she was staying. The only reason why her plan went awry was because of Pearl growing increasingly worried about her cousin and going to the Inner Temple. As a result, Misty channeled Dahlia which led to her eventual demise. And although Diego says he was so fueled by rage towards Dahlia’s spirit that he could have easily killed Pearl, his actions did save Maya’s life. Despite Diego’s attempts to deny that him saving Maya was out of a genuine desire to protect her, Maya believes otherwise. 

Phoenix is Maya’s guardian angel. From the moment those two first met, he saved her from being falsely convicted for her sister’s murder; and after Phoenix was found “Not Guilty”, the duo formed a partnership and worked two cases before Maya went back to Kurain to improve her spirit channeling abilities. The case in which they reunite is one where Maya believes herself to have genuinely murdered her client during her first real channeling. Maya begged him not to take her case but he snapped at her for so much as suggesting that she could commit murder. And finally, he was so desperate to save Maya during 2-4 that he was willing to pin the murder on an innocent woman just to save her.

How Pearl saved Maya’s life isn’t as obvious at first. Think back to 2-2, during Phoenix and Pearl’s first conversation, she hands him a mysterious black key that she says she found in the incinerator. This item was key to Phoenix being able to get the trial to go past one day as he was able to argue that by Pearl possessing the object despite not being near the scene of the crime, that the defendant had left the room sometime. This enabled Phoenix to conduct more investigation and successfully acquit Maya. While it’s unclear if Maya would’ve been sentenced to death for the murder of Dr. Grey, it’s likely that she might’ve gone to jail for the rest of her life. So while it’s more indirect than the other examples, Pearl did play a part in saving Maya’s life.

Due to the actions of these people, Maya feels so indebted that she goes as far as to say that if even one of them didn’t exist, she wouldn’t be alive right now. And for her, running away would be a disservice to those them For example, it would be a disservice to her mother who was willing to give up her own life for Maya’s sake and to Mr. Armando, who though he doesn’t see it that way, gave up his freedom for her sake. For Maya, by acknowledging everyone who helped her and accepting the responsibilities as Master, she would be honoring them. 

A final potential factor could be that while Maya is well aware of all the trauma that her heritage has brought her; she’s also well aware that by becoming the Master, she could fix the problems that have caused the Fey clan to be filled with so much bloodshed and tragedy. And as one of the two people affected most by the Fey clan and the tragedy that comes from being born into it, she’d be the best person to fix those issues. With the help of her little cousin Pearl, the two of them can work together to rebuild the reputation of the Fey clan and change their family’s legacy. 

3. Potential Risks -

Finally, is there any risks involved if Maya were to decide to remain in Kurain Village? My answer is not exactly and here’s why:

It is true that the Fey family is no stranger to bloodshed. According to Sister Bikini, the branch family always has and always will plot to take out the main family. The feud between her mother and aunt is even part of the reason that Mia left the village to become a lawyer in the first place. She felt that her relationship with her sister was too precious to her and didn’t want that bond to be severed by fighting over the title.

Besides Morgan, Pearl is the only other named member of the branch family that lives in Kurain Village. In truth, she never really wanted to become the Master in the first place; the only person who went out of her way to put Pearl in a position of power was Morgan. She was so driven to make sure that her daughter became Master that she framed Maya for murder and later tried to have her killed. The disinterest that Pearl already had in assuming the position of Master would only strengthen as a result of the actions of her mother. She would never want to hurt Maya and if becoming the Master means having to do that, she doesn’t want it. 

It is also likely that there are branch family members who much like Morgan, would attempt to take out the main family. These members could have sided with Morgan and wished that her attempts to take Maya out of the running were successful, or wanted to wipe out the main family regardless of who’s in charge. Here’s the deal, if Maya were to become the Master, she could banish any family members that she deemed to be a genuine threat to her life. And not only that, but by changing how the Master is chosen or changing how the line of succession works, Maya could potentially quell the bitterness of those family members.

Closing Remarks - 

Although Maya’s decision to abdicate from the title of Master would have been understandable due to all the tragedy her heritage has caused her, it’s the fact that she doesn’t that makes this moment all the more impactful. She could go but doing so would mean leaving Pearl behind and it would be a disservice to all the people who helped her. It’s Maya’s ability to recognize that and become the Master that makes this a very mature moment from her.

[hamliet]

Su She and Jin ZiXun: Society vs. Connection

Or, the SuXun meta no one asked for. (I’m kidding about SuXun.)

In all seriousness, though, this meta will focus on Su She and Jin ZiXun, who, while they initially come across as semi-unlikable one-note antagonists necessary for plot connections and not much else, both actually have a ton of depth and thematic relevance. In particular, they are both used to explore the concepts of insecurity and arrogance through the lens of privilege, thereby exemplifying the novel’s central paradox: society is a corrupting disease, but human connection saves.

Jin ZiXun and Su She are extremely similar characters; in fact, I’d say the only difference in their characters is essentially that Jin ZiXun is privileged and Su She is not. The defining trait for both seems to be arrogance. Arrogance and insecurity are very common character traits in Mao Dao Zu Shi (in addition to these two, we also see them to various extents in Jin ZiXuan, Jin GuangYao, Wei WuXian, Wen Chao, Wen Ning, Jiang Cheng, and Jin Ling).

Jin ZiXun is privileged in ways Su She could never be. He looks down on everyone around him except for one notable exception (to be discussed further on). He’s said to consider Jin GuangYao, his cousin, as being of “lowly” background and it’s added that he “was ashamed to be of one clan [with Jin GuangYao].” When he acts arrogant, trying to force Lan XiChen and Lan WangJi to drink with him despite Jin GuangYao’s protests that they do not drink, he appeals to the idea of perceived scorn to manipulate them, thereby revealing what is most likely his true fear of insecurity:

“The Jin Sect and the Lan Sect have always been like one family. We’re all the same. My two Lan brothers, if you don’t drink this, you’d be looking down on me!”

It’s also notable how society responds to his evident insecurity manifesting as narcissistic arrogance:

On the side, a few of his followers all praised, “What a bold move!”“That’s just how an esteemed cultivator should act!”

However, Su She’s position in society is quite different, and therefore so is his manifestation of his insecurity.

The incident with the waterborne abyss is where we first meet him, and it tells us all we need to know about society in the novel and Su She’s position in it:

a disciple on the other side also drew out his sword, thrusting it toward a dark shadow which swiftly swam by in the water.

However, after his sword went underwater, it never came out again. He chanted the sword incantation for a few more times, but nothing was retrieved from the water. It was as if his sword had been devoured by the lake, disappearing without a trace. The disciple looked like he was a youth of similar age as Wei WuXian and the others. Without his sword, his face grew paler and paler. An older disciple beside him spoke, “Su She, right now, we still haven’t determined what the thing inside the water is. Why did you act on your own and make your sword go underwater?”

Su She seemed like he was somewhat flustered, but his expression was relatively calm, “I saw that Second Young Master also…”

He realized, before he even finished speaking, how unsuitable this sentence was. No matter what, the Bichen sword or Lan WangJi were not comparable with others… He glimpsed at Lan WangJi, but Lan WangJi didn’t look at him, and instead attentively observed the water…

This passage emphasizes Lan WangJi’s biggest flaw: his inability to say what he needs to say. It also indicates, again, what society thinks of Su She: they don’t notice him. Everything he does appears to be for naught. He’s just not important. (The comment about Su She being unable to compare to Lan WangJi also draws to mind Wen Ning’s ultimate rebuke of Jiang Cheng.)

The waterborne abyss is itself a symbol of society, as it is sent to the Gusu Lan Sect’s territory from the uppermost sect in society:

Although they knew where the waterborne abyss came from, everyone grew silent.

If it was done by people of the Wen Sect, then there would be no result no matter how hard they accused or criticized. First of all, the sect wouldn’t admit it, and second, there wouldn’t be any compensation either.

The abyss, or society, eats up Su She’s accomplishments (and sword) and tries to swallow Su She in the end. Wei WuXian risks his life to save Su She, and then Jiang Cheng observes them, but cannot help (foreshadowing what will later happen when Wei WuXian dies: Su She will unknowingly lead to Wei WuXian’s destruction, Jiang Cheng will stand by and let it happen, and Lan WangJi will act). Lan WangJi pulls them all from the abyss, symbolizing how human connection is ultimately the answer for society’s poison.

So let’s talk Jin ZiXun and Su She’s connections next. Jin ZiXun has a one-sided personal beef with our protagonist Wei WuXian, while Su She has a one-sided rivalry with our other main character, Lan WangJi. And both Jin ZiXun and Su She have someone they esteem as more important than themselves, someone they cling to and use as a way to feel less insecure themselves. For Jin ZiXun, this person is his cousin Jin ZiXuan, who is repeatedly held up as a societal ideal. In fact, Jin ZiXun is introduced to us challenging Wei WuXian when he is unimpressed by Jin ZiXuan’s accomplishments, proclaiming, “If anyone here remains unconvinced, then feel free to try if you can shoot better than ZiXuan!”

For Su She, this person is Jin GuangYao, Jin ZiXuan’s brother who is on the outskirts of society because of his birth as the illegitimate son of a prostitute and a sect leader. Ironically, it’s Jin GuangYao’s desire for acceptance by anyone and everyone (but especially societally important people, as his father is) that leads to Su She and Jin GuangYao forming a bond--at the same moment Su She forms a rift with his privileged foil Jin ZiXun:

Someone spat, “Is this a road that someone like you can walk on? Who let you roam around!”

A young voice replied, “I’m sorry. I…”

Hearing this, Lan XiChen and Lan WangJi looked up at the same time. Beside the wall reliefs stood two men. The one who had just scolded someone was Jin ZiXun, with a few servants and cultivators following behind him. The one who had been scolded was a white-clothed young man. When the man saw Lan XiChen and Lan WangJi, his face immediately went pale. He couldn’t even continue with the things he wanted to say. As Jin ZiXun kept up his haughty guise, Jin GuangYao came to the rescue just in time.

He went to the white-clothed man, “The paths of Koi Tower are rather intricate. Young Master Su, it’s not your fault that you got lost. You can come with me.”

Seeing that he appeared, Jin ZiXun sneered and walked around them. The white-clothed man, however, hesitated, “You know me?”

Jin GuangYao smiled, “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? Haven’t we met each other once? Young Master Su, Su MinShan, your swordsmanship is quite good. I’ve been thinking ever since the hunt at Phoenix Mountain about what a pity it’d be if such a young talent didn’t come to our sect. In the end, though, he did come to our sect. I was over the moon with joy. This way, please?”

There were countless cultivators who sought assistance by going to the LanlingJin Sect like Su She did. He thought that not many people would recognize him, having never expected Jin GuangYao to be able to remember him so clearly, going as far as to praise him, after just one hasty encounter with him. Instantly, Su She seemed to be more relieved. He ceased to look at the Lan brothers and followed Jin GuangYao away, scared that they’d mock or point at him.

The sad thing is that the Lan brothers likely would not have mocked him. In the end, both Jin ZiXun and Su She die with these respective friends of theirs, as nothing more than mere footnotes to the Jin brothers’ deaths. However, Su She’s death, in particular, shows us another aspect to his relationship with Jin GuangYao: even on the outskirts of society, they had a genuine connection.

After the waterborne abyss, the next time the novel introduces Su She is when he tries to sacrifice MianMian to appease Wen Chao (a symbol of arrogance and societal acceptance if there ever was one):

However, one of the GusuLan Sect’s disciples on the side had been trembling as he listened to Wen Chao’s threatening words. He finally couldn’t hold it any longer as he rushed over, grabbing MianMian, and prepared to tie her up. Lan WangJi’s brows stiffened. He immediately struck the disciple to the side.

Although he didn’t say anything, the way he looked at the disciple was more than imposing. What such a look meant was clear to everyone—it truly is a shame that the GusuLan Sect has taught a disciple like you!

The disciple’s shoulders quivered as he backed off slowly, unable to face the others’ eyes.

It is however an interesting reversal that Su She dies in a manner that redeems both of his earlier shames that drove him out of the Lan Sect. He dies sacrificing himself to save Jin GuangYao, rather than trying to sacrifice someone else, and he dies sacrificing his sword instead of losing it:

Su She dodged to the side with force. With the tip of his foot he picked up the sword that had fallen to the ground and conjured up all of his spiritual energy in one thrust at Nie MingJue’s heart. Perhaps because of the dire situation, the attack was abnormally swift and ruthless. Brimming with spiritual energy, the blade glowed brightly, enveloped by swirling radiance. It was so much better than all of the previous seemingly-elegant attacks that even Wei WuXian wanted to praise its excellence….

However, the sword had been infused with so much spiritual energy, due to Su She’s sudden explosion, that it could no longer withstand it. Halfway through the lunge, it broke into pieces with a crack.

On the other hand, Nie MingJue’s punch landed right in the center of Su She’s chest. Su She’s splendor left as quickly as it came. He couldn’t even spit out a mouthful of blood or say a few last words, no matter with dignity or cruelty, before the life in his eyes went out.

The symbolism of the sword is twofold: firstly, all the powers in the world can’t actually accomplish anything more than having little power can. The curse of insecurity originates with himself, which is why the rebound curse leaves him with holes on his chest.

Jin ZiXun’s death is also symbolic: he is cursed by Insecurity Embodied in Su She, cursed with the Curse of a Hundred Holes, which leaves holes on his body, symbolizing how he feels incomplete, and also marking him as a pariah from society.

Additionally, he allows this curse to separate him from the person he’s closest with, Jin ZiXuan:

“Why didn’t you tell me at all that you were cursed with Hundred Holes and instead came to do this without saying anything?!”

The fact that Jin ZiXun had been cursed with Hundred Holes was indeed an unspeakable matter. First of all, he had both a good appearance and a good physique. He’d always thought of himself as handsome and couldn’t bear for others to know that he was under such an unsightly, repulsive curse. Second of all, to have been cursed meant that his level of cultivation wasn’t high enough, since his spiritual energy was too weak to be able to hold against the curse.

In contrast, Su She’s death involves him becoming closer with someone he has a genuine connection with, because by helping Jin GuangYao, he knows that he’s going against society. As Wei WuXian says, the entire world is coming for Jin GuangYao, yet Su She still helps him.

To return to the sacrificial nature of Su She’s death, it’s also hard not to compare it with a sacrifice that happens earlier the same scene (and kind of the same chapter): Wen Ning’s sacrifice for Jiang Cheng, who is sacrificing himself for Jin Ling.

Jiang Cheng could only stuff Jin Ling behind him and unsheathe Sandu, which at the moment was unable to use spiritual energy, forcing himself to fend off the attack...

Wen Ning blocked himself before the wall, in front of the two of them. With both his hands, he grabbed Nie MingJue’s iron arm and slowly pulled it out of his chest, leaving behind a large, hollow hole. There was no bleeding. Only a couple of black organ crumbs fell out.

Wei WuXian, “Wen Ning!!!”

While Jiang Cheng looked as though he could lose his mind right there. He stammered, “You? You?!”

Wen Ning actually a character who is important to both Jin ZiXun and Su She’s stories throughout the novel.

Like Su She, he is insecure and regarded as weak by others. Like Jin ZiXun, he is, however, a skilled archer. And of course, he is killed in one of Jin ZiXun’s camps, by Jin ZiXun’s guards after Jin ZiXun failed to capture a monster:

Wei WuXian looked at him, “Who are you?”

Jin ZiXun paused in surprise before fuming, “You don’t know who I am?!”

Wei WuXian mused, “Why should I know who you are?”

Jin ZiXun, “I don’t remember, which means I don’t remember. I’m not so idle as to go out of my way to remember a Wen-dog’s name.”

Wei WuXian, “Fine. I don’t mind explaining it in greater detail. You couldn’t catch the bat king and happened to run into a few of the Wen Sect’s disciples who were there to investigate the same thing. And so, you threatened them to carry spirit-attraction flags to be your bait. They didn’t dare do it. One person stepped out and tried to reason with you. That’s the Wen Ning I’m talking about. After some delay, the bat king got away. You beat up the Wen cultivators, took them away by force, and the group disappeared. Do I need to say any more details? They still haven’t returned yet. Apart from you, I don’t know who in the world I could possibly ask.”

Jin ZiXun, “Wei WuXian, what do you mean? You came for him? You aren’t standing up for a Wen-dog, are you?”

And Wen Ning later kills both Jin ZiXuan and Jin ZiXun--however, it was not Wen Ning’s fault, but Wei WuXian’s. By trying to become a part of society, by searching for a place in it, you become a monster and a tool, even if not always as literally as it is with Wen Ning. Jin ZiXun is being manipulated by Jin GuangYao to kill Wei WuXian. In the end, Wen Ning uses his genuine connection with Wei WuXian to sacrifice his body to save Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng--the very same Jiang Cheng he just told this:

Sect Leader Jiang—you, so driven of a person, have been comparing yourself to others your whole life, but you have to know that you never should’ve been able to equal [Wei WuXian]!

Essentially, Wen Ning, having been someone at first looked down on for not being strong enough, and then shamed for being a Wen, and then regarded as a dangerous weapon, is telling Jiang Cheng that despite his not being the best in everything, despite how people might look down on him, you are still worth living. 

Wen Ning is able to live, because he’s already dead. But Su She does not, and in true MXTX fashion in which self-sacrifice is often viewed as a form of self-harm, Su She’s sacrifice is ultimately futile. Jin GuangYao is stabbed killed later that very chapter. 

However, it is fitting that this theme which has continued throughout the novel reaches its conclusion with Jin GuangYao. If there’s one character who embodies what it’s like to scrabble for society’s approval as a remedy for insecurity and self-loathing, it’s Jin GuangYao. As this incident shows:

On the other hand, Jin GuangShan, standing with a blank face where his seat was, finally lost his temper and kicked over the table in front of him. All of the gold dishes and silver platters rolled down the stairs.

Seeing his discomposure, Jin GuangYao wanted to ease the situation, starting, “Fa-”

Before he could finish, Jin GuangShan had already left. Jin ZiXun also felt that by giving in, he lost face in front of everyone. Out of both anger and hatred, he wanted to leave as well.

Jin GuangYao hurried, “ZiXun!”

Jin ZiXun was at the peak of his anger. Without a second thought, he flung away the cup of liquor that was turned down, directly towards Jin GuangYao’s chest. A splash of liquor immediately sprouted on top of the Sparks Amidst Snow blooming passionately over the white robes. It was more than embarrassing, but because of how chaotic the state of the hall was, nobody really minded the act of great misconduct.

Lan XiChen was the only one who exclaimed, “Brother!”

Jin GuangYao, “I’m fine, I’m fine. Brother, please be seated.”

It was unsuitable for Lan XiChen to comment on Jin ZiXun, so he took out a snow-colored handkerchief and passed it to him, “Go retire and change your clothes.”

Jin GuangYao took the handkerchief, wiping away as he forced a smile, “I can’t leave, can I?”

He was the only one left to clean up the mess. How could he leave the scene? He reassured the crowd as he ranted, completely exhausted, “Young Master Wei really is too impulsive. How could he speak in such a way in front of so many sects?”

Lan WangJi spoke coldly, “Was he wrong?”

Jin GuangYao paused almost unnoticeably. He immediately laughed, “Haha. Yes, he’s right. But it’s because he’s right that he can’t say it in front of them, correct?”

Here he is ignored by his father, insulted and humiliated publicly by his cousin, and left to clean the mess up. He refuses to retire and clean himself up like Lan XiChen asks him to do (a call-back to Lan WangJi asking Wei WuXian to come back to the Cloud Recesses with him). He knows that he’s saying something wrong, he knows that Wei WuXian is morally right, he knows society is a trap that eschews truth, but he cannot bring himself to pull away from it for the sake of seeking acceptance from his father, acceptance which will never come.

And in the end, Jin GuangYao too realizes that his need for societal acceptance led nowhere, that it wasn’t really what he wanted:

“Lan XiChen! In this life, I’ve lied countless times, killed countless times. Like you said, I killed my father, my brother, my wife, my son, my teacher, my friend—of all the evil in the world, what haven’t I done?!”

He took in a breath, rasping, “But I’ve never even thought of harming you!”

Lan XiChen was astonished.

Jin GuangYao panted harder, gripping the word as he spoke through clenched teeth, “… Back then, when the Cloud Recesses was burned down and you fled outside, who was the one that saved you from all the danger? And when the GusuLan Sect was rebuilding the Cloud Recesses, who was the one that helped with everything he had? In all these years, when have I ever cracked down on the GusuLan Sect, when have I responded with anything but support?! Apart from this time, when I’ve only temporarily staunched your spiritual powers, when have I ever wronged you or your sect? Why have I ever demanded gratitude?!”

Hearing these questions, Lan XiChen could no longer persuade himself to silence him again. Jin GuangYao, “Su MinShan could repay me in such a way just because I remembered his name back then. You, on the other hand, ZeWu-Jun, Sect Leader Lan, are as intolerant of me as Nie MingJue—you refuse to spare me even a single breath of life!”

In the end, however, Jin GuangYao uses his last gasp of strength to save Lan XiChen’s life, pushing him away from death. What mattered to Jin GuangYao in the very end was not societal approval (he’d lost that beyond belief), but his own desire to live, and even more than that, even when that was taken from him, his genuine human connection to Lan XiChen. Even if Lan XiChen is just like Nie MingJue in condemning him (he’s not, and Jin GuangYao has to know that), his connection is real. And that connection is valuable enough to him to throw off comfort in his moment of death to save the other.

It’s also fitting that Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian then leave the cultivational world together, pursuing their marriage and connection as cultivation partners away from society. However, they return in the end not because they want to be a part of that world, but because they have connections to people who need them: Lan SiZhui, Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng, and Lan XiChen.

[louisapennyfeather2021]

Newsies Adopting Unique Animals AU!

For the sake of this AU, most of the more exotic pets are adopted after being in abusive homes/black markets and it was after they were rehabilitated.

The only characters I explicitly recognize as a couple are Spot and Race. Any others could be taken as romantic or platonic, you can decide!

Strap in folks, this is going to get interesting:

Jack: Bearded Dragon/Pogona. His name is Oliver. It was literally an impulse decision. Jack was painting a mural at a new pet store in town and he was just finishing as they were moving in some animals since they were about to open. Jack's jaw dropped when he saw a "spiky lizard with a big head", as he later told everyone else, and he couldn't leave without taking one home. So after careful negotiation and buying any and all supplies he'd need, he brought little Oliver home with him. It took some getting used to and many articles on google, but eventually Jack found his new best friend. He'll paint and draw pictures of Oliver and he even created the desert backdrop in Oliver's tank. And sense Jack mostly works from home as an artist, he can always keep an eye on Oliver. At the end of the day, Jack will sit on the floor and entertain Oliver. Over all, they both have a new friend in each other.

Davey: Hyacinth Macaw. His name is Apollo. Sort of an impulse decision, but Davey kind of thought it through. He read up on hyacinth macaws and he knows there are only 2,500-5,000 left in the wild. After a group was busted for illegally trading animals, Davey erratically offered to rehabilitate some one of the macaws said to have been in the traders homes. You can imagine how dumb he felt when the SPCA showed up at his house with everything he needed to get started. Still, he owned up to it and took in the macaw who he affectionately named Apollo. He was angry and upset when he realized Apollo's wings were clipped and that he couldn't fly, meaning Apollo would likely be adopted out to a home. It was rough for months, Apollo didn't trust Davey until the second month and hardly trusted anyone else besides Davey's sister, Sarah. Davey slowly earned Apollo's trust and trained him to the point where Apollo finally "spoke" to Davey about five months later. After that, they were inseparable. Apollo would nuzzle Davey with his head and Davey would stroke him while he read a book or worked on papers. Eventually Davey adopted Apollo and they both found a safe ace with each other

Crutchie: Bush Baby/Galago. Her name is Pip. Another animal rescued from the illegal traders. Crutchie also works from home and after hearing about the requirements of taking care of a bush baby, he volunteered. It was somewhat difficult and he had to ask Jack for help in the first two months because if his wheel chair, but he eventually got the bush baby, who he named Pip, to warm up to him. She would watch him curiously, but she never got too close. Over time, Crutchie earned her trust by offering little treats and playing little games with her. It got to the point where she would jump back and forth between his desk, his wheel chair, and his bookshelf. She would either cling to his shoulder and take a nap or sleep in a small cushion Crutchie keeps on his desk for her. No matter how difficult she can be and how energetic she is, Crutchie wouldn't change a thing.

Katherine: Baby Fennec Fox. His name is Archie. Sort of a random decision. She was watching a documentary on Africa on Animal Planet and for days after she couldn't get the Fennec Foxes out of her head. It got to the point where she did so much research before contacting the local SPCA and asking if they had any fennec Foxes in need of a home. She was excited to hear they surprisingly had one, but that he was just a baby and had been separated from his mom. Katherine knew she'd have to out in a lot of time, but she runs her own business so she could be home enough to take car of the fox that she, upon seeing him, named him Archie. He was finicky, no pun intended, but he was curious. Katherine noticed how he'd eat and sleep often like a cat, but that he could be energetic and lovey like a dog. She'd play with him and give him affection when he wanted it. They bonded and in the end Katherine had someone to curl up on her lap or right next to her while watching TV or reading a book.

Sarah: Serval. Her name is Carmen. Yet another poor animal that suffered going through life with the trader. It was her slight, good hearted sibling rivalry with Davey that made her do it. She offered to take care of a serval under the impression that it was just like any other cat. She wasn't completely wrong. The serval, which she named Carmen, was nervous and didn't like Sarah much at first. She'd run away and hide in a cage that Sarah always leaves open or under any object she could. It took months before Sarah could sit in front of Carmen and pet her. She slowly built up Carmen's trust and by the time she was considered rehabilitated and it was established that she had been in captivity too long to survive in the wild, Sarah adopted her. Carmen did act like lost cats, she'd sleep for an unreasonably long time and rub against Sarah's leg when she was hungry or just lovey, but she could also be energetic and chaotic. Sarah loved it though, it made her home feel alive.

Race: Baby skunk, well, skunks. Their names are Sugar, Spice, and Kyle because we all know Race would do something like that. Not exactly a happy story. Race was driving home one night and he didn't even notice something run under his car before he felt the tell tale thumps. As soon as he got our of his car, he gagged and tears welled up. The putrid smell of skunk met his nose and he turned on the flashlight on his phone. He gagged at the site, but his heart broke when he saw three black and white balls of fluff on the side of the road. He knew he couldn't leave them, they were so small and he was so guilty. So, he braved the skunk smell and sacrificed the inside of his car to bring the babies home with him. To say Spot was confused would be an understatement. Seeing and smelling his boyfriend walk inside with three baby skunks in hand isn't exactly common. He was on the verge of angry until he heard Race's story and saw the sadness in his face. So, despite his anger, Spot lets Race keep the skunks. Race gets everything he needs and does everything necessary. He takes the babies outside to run in the back yard and he loves them so much. His favorite game to play is "Which friend will we scare this week". He's had one too many shoes thrown at him for that game. Over all, he loves Sugar, Spice, and Kyle. Especially Kyle.

Spot: Hedgehog. Her name is Holly. Spot adopted Holly long before Race got his skunks. He adopted her from the pet store where Jack adopted Oliver. Holly is quiet for the most part and after nearly a year together, she finally let Spot rub her belly. He should her beyond reason. He bought her a pink blanket with hedgehogs printed on it and he even bought a floaty meant to hold drinks just so Holly could sit in it in the bath tub. Race used to always say Spot spoiled Holly too much, but Spot didn't care. Holly was his buddy and he wouldn't ever change that.

Elmer: Baby pot belly pig. Her name is Calli. Elmer doesn't even remember how he got Calli. Everyone tells him he won a vet with some kid who raises pot belly pigs and the kid gave it to Elmer on his birthday. Elmer isn't complaining, though. He loves his adorable black, white, and pink speckled piggie. She can be extremely greedy with food, but Elmer adores her nudging his leg or occasionally oinking at him. She's just a big cuddle bug in a small body and Elmer's thankful for whatever bet he made.

Albert: Baby otter. Her name is Poppy. Her story is similar to Sugar, Spice, and Kyle's. Albert was driving home when he watched a vehicle hit an otter. He stopped, knowing it's common courtesy to move the animal off the road despite how sad or frankly gross it is. He's thankful he did though, because he found a baby otter hiding in the grass. No matter how hard he tried to turn away, he couldn't. He eventually coaxed the baby closer and picked her up, giving her the name Poppy. He absolutely loves her. After taking her to the vet and getting all his paperwork done, Albert took her home and raised her. He helped her swim in his bathtub and eventually a small pond he installed in his backyard. He plays with her and he spoils her with warm blankets and even her own teddy bear which Albert named Fluffy. They're practically inseparable and Albert wouldn't trade anything for Poppy. She's his little girl and she's like a part of him.

Some of this might be inaccurate and might even be illegal in some places, but it's cute and that's what matters😂

If you want to see any other characters, just send me and ask! Don't be afraid, I promise I won't be upset about questions or suggestions.

[shawol9196]

Off-Air (Oneshot; Jongho; ~2.2k)

When Jinki drives Jonghyun home from the radio station meeting, he learns a little more about his off-air life than he’s expecting. 

“So why do you dislike that Choi guy so much?” one of the other DJs asks as Jinki sits down next to Jonghyun. 

It’s weird for them to all be here together: a huge gathering of DJs and radio staff all gathered into a tiny bar. But Jinki’s excited for a night out without having to be on interacting-with-consumers behavior, so he figures he’ll let it unfold as it will. 

Jonghyun takes a sip of whatever soju concoction he’d ordered before looking over. 

“Well first off he’s my number one competitor for my time slot.”

“You know you don’t own the hours of 12-2am, right?” Jinki teases.

Jonghyun glares and Jinki isn’t sure if it’s at the comment or the interruption. “Second, it’s annoying to have listeners calling in to talk about another DJ while you’re DJing, if you didn’t know. His music is too broad in genre. Like I get it’s a show of soundtracks but I’m not and never will be emotionally ready to switch from “My Heart Will Go On” right into “Footloose.” Also he’s too damn tall.”

Jinki nearly spits out his drink at the last item in the list. The other DJ had wandered off halfway through the spiel, but now Jinki’s interest was piqued. 

“Too tall?”

“He’s 6’2” and that’s too tall.”

“And that matters...?”

“Jinki I know you’re my boss and you know I cherish you in that way and also in a friendly way but you’re too tall to understand my feelings about people who are too tall. Your complete averageness in terms of height prevents you from understanding the full plight I speak of.”

“First off I’m the show producer not your boss. Second of all I’m only two inches taller than you, tops. I thought you had to be under 5’4” to complain about height. Third, how do you know his exact height?” 

Jonghyun ignores his comments in favor of finishing his drink. As silence falls between them, Jinki finds himself reminiscing of the now locally famous Choi-Kim radio rivalry. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this purple dusk radio?”

“Yes it is. I’m DJ Jonghyun and you’re lucky caller number 4!”

“Oh my goodness!”

“What’s your name?”

“Miyoung.”

“I’ve got the prize package right here for you, Miyoung, all ready to go, I just need you to do one thing for me alright? Just tell me one thing you enjoy about purple dusk radio.”

“Well, to be honest, normally I listen to silver screen on channel 99...but I just happened to tune in to this station for the first time tonight and it really fits in with my music taste.”

“So what I’m hearing is purple dusk has a better selection than silver screen does?”

“It fits better with my likes, yes.”

“Well congratulations, Miyoung, you won! Just promise me you’ll stay tuned in to the better midnight show, okay?”

Jinki listens as the girl on the phone starts squealing in excitement and Jonghyun signs off for the commercial break. Once the “ON AIR” sign is deluminated, Jinki laughs at Jonghyun’s little victory wiggle. 

“Did you hear that, Jinki? We saved another poor soul from having to listen to silver screen!”

Jinki jumps at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. It’s Kim Kibum, producer for silver screen. The rivalry between DJs didn’t extend to them -- mostly due to graduating from the same college program. 

“Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all.”

“You looked pretty far away there for a second, I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“No, not at all. I was just remembering an old show.”

Kibum slides into the seat that previously held Jonghyun. 

“Any particular show? I mean you’ve only been on this show for six years now.” 

“A particular one but for no particular reason.”

The conversation is interrupted by the bartender appearing. Jinki waits for Kibum to order, turning around to glance around the restaurant for Jonghyun. He finds him at another table with a few other DJs from their station. 

“Minho’s got a significant other but he won’t tell me about them.” Kibum huffs once he gets his beer. 

“If he won’t tell you about them how do you know he has one?”

“I overheard him on the phone and ‘I love you, honeybun’ doesn’t seem like something you’d say to everyone, now does it? Also he has a new ring, one of those ones that leaves an impression of a heart when you take it off.”

“Kibum, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you make a great producer but you would’ve been a great detective.”

Kibum laughs before sipping his beer. 

“So how are things at PYQK, besides the fact that Minho won’t share all the naughty details of his love life with you?”

“I never said I wanted the naughty details; even some sweet vagues would be nice. The station’s doing well. And at PYXQ?”

“Basically the same. Why doesn’t Minho ever come to these, besides the fact that Jonghyun’s here?”

Kibum scoffs as he puts down his beer. “He goes to work out after the show finishes like some kind of weirdo.”

“To each his own, I guess.” Jinki goes to take a sip of his drink, but pauses. “Weird question that I’ll explain the context of afterwards, but how tall is he?”

“Who? Minho? Bit over 6’ I’d say. Why?”

“Someone was asking Jonghyun why he doesn’t like Minho and one of the reasons was he’s too tall, but he said a very specific height, which I thought was a bit odd.”

“I think Jonghyun may be trying to get in on that sort of experience,” Kibum says with a giggle, pointing to where Jonghyun’s begun standing on a barstool and thanking people for coming to the party that he absolutely did not partake in planning. 

“Oh jeez...I’ll see you later, dude.”

Jinki makes his way over to Jonghyun quick as he can; persuading him to come down off the stool isn’t easy but eventually he manages. 

“I just wanted to make sure that everyone could see me!” Jonghyun explains with a hiccup as Jinki pulls him out towards the parking lot. 

“Where are we going?” Jonghyun slurs, clutching Jinki’s arm to help steady himself.

“I’m going to drop you off at your house since you’re in no condition to drive.”

“How do you know that?” 

Jinki gives him a stern look and continues guiding Jonghyun to his car. It takes Jonghyun a few minutes to remember his address to punch into the GPS but soon enough they’re on their way. 

It surprises Jinki to realize he’s never been to Jonghyun’s house. The latter had visited him many times for holiday parties and garden dinners but not once in the four years they’ve worked together on purple dusk had he ever gone to -- or been invited to -- Jonghyun’s place. The house isn’t that big, but it has a pretty little garden in front and there’s something charming about it that seems perfectly Jonghyun. As they walk up the driveway, Jonghyun seems to perk up and Jinki is somewhat relieved to see a light through the living room window. 

“My house!”

“Well I’m glad you recognize it.”

Just as quickly as it appeared, the perky feeling dissipates and Jonghyun stops in his tracks. 

“I don’t have people over at my house.”

“I just want to make sure you can get in, I’ll leave right after okay?”

“I...don’t want...can’t let people know about him.”

“About who?”

“Him.”

“Come on, I just want to make sure you can get in.”

Begrudgingly he starts walking again, searching his pockets for his keys. Eventually he finds them but after four attempts to unlock the door it's clear he’s too drunk for such a delicate operation. Just as Jinki goes to offer to try, the door opens. 

If Jonghyun revealed himself to be an alien at this very moment, it wouldn’t surprise him more than seeing Choi Minho standing in Jonghyun’s doorway. 

“Oh, hello, Jinki. I...wasn’t expecting anyone to be with him.”

“I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here either, least of all you.”

It takes Jonghyun a moment to process that the door is open but once he does he immediately wraps himself around Minho, seemingly forgetting about Jinki’s existence.

“Baby I had fun at the party and I missed you.”

Minho’s cheeks turn pink as Jinki’s jaw drops to the floor. 

“Do you...why don’t you come in for a bit so we can talk?”

“I...if that’s fine with Jjong I’d like that.”

It takes a few minutes of fussing and denied kisses for Minho to send Jonghyun off to shower. He joins Jinki in the living room after a moment, sitting opposite him. 

“Don’t the two of you hate each other?” Jinki asks before Minho has a chance to say anything. 

An odd smile crosses Minho’s face. “Only publicly. We’re very affectionate at home, as you can see.”

“How long have...”

“Have we been together?”

“I was going to say be friendly but yeah that’s also included in the question I guess.”

“We met in college, partnered for a project in a journalism elective.”

“Really. Did you get unpartnered for bad behavior or something?”

“No, actually-”

Minho’s interrupted by Jonghyun unceremoniously plopping on the couch with the highest amount of dramatic flair he can muster, still oblivious to Jinki’s continued presence. He’s snuggled up to Minho and asleep before he can even react. As confused as Jinki is, it’s a warming sight.

“As I was saying, we actually got along really well. Got bonus points on the project for being cooperative. We got into the habit of hanging out and things just...kinda went from there. We’ve been living here since I graduated. Sleepy here inherited it from his grandparents.”

“So wait...why the rivalry? Like we all legitimately thought that you two hate each other.”

Minho chuckles, but Jinki can’t tell if it's in amusement or in sadness. 

“It was his idea, oddly enough. I don’t know if you remember the predecessor to silver screen, but it was... to put it kinder than Kibum would, it was a mess. So when I got hired, it was made very clear that if I didn’t make it successful, I would get fired, Yunho -- the producer that pitched it -- would probably get fired, and the station would basically have to resort to playing ads and royalty free spa music during that slot. Jjong had already got purple dusk comfortable by that point so he was trying to give me pointers and things. It didn’t really help though; Kibum always said it wasn’t my hosting that was driving people away, it was the bad taste left from the old show. Obviously he couldn’t just give me a shoutout, being on different stations at the same time and all, so he came up with hyping the competition. I always thought that we should’ve included you guys on it, but he said it’d make it feel manufactured if you all knew and also tried to play it up.”

“Oh, so that’s why I’ve had to hear Kibum complain about not knowing about your love life for two years now.” Jinki teases. 

“Oh man, he’s got you hooked in on that too? I swear I can’t make a personal call at the station without at least 4 people scooting as close as they think they can get away with to eavesdrop.”

“If it makes you feel better, he was just as inquisitive about when I started dating my now-wife back in college.”

“I am not surprised in the least.”

An awkward silence falls between the two as Jonghyun starts to snore and Jinki struggles to process.

“It was hard to get used to the act, when we first started it. We’d both come home all apologetic -- ‘I know I said you sound grating but your tone was so nice today’ or ‘I’m sorry I was so mean today, but how can you not be mean when the theme of the show is noir films’, that kind of thing. Now it’s just a bit of a game. I always listen to the podcast recording when I go to the gym and come home telling him he’s recycled insults.”

Jinki chuckles and checks his phone. There’s a few messages from Kibum, asking him where he’s headed off to and if he took Jonghyun home. 

“I suppose you should probably be heading home now. I know we live the night life already but I’m sure your wife would appreciate you coming home before the sun.” Minho says as he tries to wiggle his way out of Jonghyun’s grasp. 

“You’re probably right. We don’t have the luxury of the same working hours like some people do.”

They walk to the door and Jinki half expects Jonghyun to wake up, but he doesn’t. 

“Thanks for bringing him home. While it is amusing that such a lightweight enjoys gatherings so much, I do worry about him getting home in one piece.”

“Oh it’s no trouble. Even if it was, this dramatic turn of events made it worth it. Good luck with your show tomorrow and surviving Sherlock Holmes- I mean Kibum’s investigations.”

Minho cracks a smile and nods a thank you, waiting til Jinki gets into his car to close the front door. Through the living room window he can see him carrying Jonghyun to bed. His phone pings again, Kibum continuing to be nosy. For a brief moment he thinks to share the news with Kibum but instead closes his phone and heads home. What Jonghyun and Minho do in their off-air time really isn’t any of his concern; plus, he’d grown fond of Kibum’s investigations being thwarted. 

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

I Gotta Go My Own Way (Midoriya Izuku X Reader)

Haha only 5 days til Valentine’s Day... XD Delicious irony so here ya’ll go! Servin’ ya’ll up some delicious angst... aww who am I kidding? Lol I cried when I wrote this, hurting my poor cinnamon roll...

ENJOY SOME NOSTAGLIC SAD-AS-HELL HSM 2 YA’LL!!

He really screwed the pooch this time.

You were furious, and frankly, Izuku and Bakugou were lucky All Might and Aizawa got to them before you did. Those two had another fight, you should have known but you thought, or at least seriously hoped that Bakugou would have been damn grateful that your boyfriend risked his fucking LIFE to save his ass.

They didn’t kill each other this time, but you didn’t care. You were tired of Bakugou picking fights with your boyfriend, and you were tired of Izuku keeping things like this from you, AND most of all you were tired of him acting like everything was hunky-dory even though this was almost always after a moment where he could have died.

Needless to say, you wanted to have a little talk with your green-haired boyfriend. Or rather, you wanted to give him a piece of your mind for making you worry for the 100th time. If it wasn’t for All-Might… you didn’t even want to think about what could have happened if not the hero getting in between to fight to talk to them.

And not only that but you were also tired of being third wheel compared to All-Might and Bakugou. It’s been about 2 months since the two of you actually went out, or even got close together without some stupid villain either getting in the way, or with Izuku reluctantly telling you that he had training to take care of even during breaks.

You paced a little bit in the first floor where you wanted to talk, until you saw a very scared looking Izuku making his way to you, slowly because he knew you were upset. “Goddamn it Izuku…” You shook your head, expression calm but Izuku knew that you were pissed off to hell, and he shook in dread at the fury in your eyes. He knew how scary you were when provoked, yet he managed to do that to you whenever he acted recklessly, and he had a habit of being somewhat reckless…

“I can’t believe you, you’re lucky Bakugou didn’t kill you because damn, dammit you could have been killed AGAIN! That’s like what… the 10th time you’ve almost died and barely escaped with your life?” You asked him sternly, crossing your arms and he saw that you were more hurt and scared than genuinely angry, although the anger was still very present in your tone and face.

“(Y-Y/N), please… look I wasn’t going to die, Kacchan and I… we were just… look, he had things on his mind and we just had to fight it out and-“ Izuku tried to explain himself, but you weren’t having it, you were tired of excuses.

“Last time I checked, friends don’t fight things out. Otherwise they wouldn’t be friends. God… this rivalry or whatever is completely fucked up… I mean I get that he’s strong and has SOME admirable traits but God Izuku… he could seriously hurt you, you’re still recovering from the attack at the Summer Camp! You shouldn’t even have been fighting with him! You should have just turned it down, you could have got fucked up beyond repair if you used your quirk again!” You finally raised your voice a bit, Izuku flinching slightly when you did since you didn’t do that often.

“No, I couldn’t have, I can’t just do that. I’m not the same cowardly, defenseless Deku anymore, I won’t turn down a fight anymore because I won’t have a choice when the next one comes.” He reasoned with you as best as he could, and honestly, the assertiveness amazed you but at the same time it was frustrating that he wasn’t backing down even though you were just worried about him, and it hurt so damn much seeing him injured almost all the time now… worse than in middle school.

“Right, you’re just being Stupid-ass Deku now.” You kind of glared at him, and he gasped lightly obviously surprised at hurt that you used that name ‘Deku’ for him, albeit in the derogatory way that Bakugou labeled him with rather than the heroic moniker he chose for himself. “And jerk-Deku… because you’ve been SO preoccupied with everything else whether it’s getting injured or training too much that whatever plans we make can’t happen…I wanted us to remember every moment we would share together... I wanted to remember every moment we both got stronger here at UA...” You said a little lower, and Izuku sighed… it HAS been a while since he last took you out on a date.

“You can’t do that… you can’t make me worry like that, and you can’t turn down dates for the 5th time by pretending that your serious injuries aren’t hurting… I can excuse you turning down a date, I can even excuse a petty argument with Bakugou, and I can excuse turning down dates a third time, but not the fifth… and I especially can’t excuse you downplaying your injuries and still fighting on when you're supposed to be resting…” Shaking your head you looked down, forcing yourself to NOT tear up just thinking about the awful injuries your boyfriend had endured since school started.

“(Y/N)… You worry too much, and you can’t do that either, this is just… this is our life now, I know it’s getting harder… I know I haven’t been able to make plans… even though I want to, and we will! But right now… you can’t worry too much… you shouldn’t have to worry so much about me, it won’t do you any good, and I don’t want you to worry so much...” Izuku said to you gently, obviously trying to comfort and reassure you because he felt that he almost didn’t deserve to be worried for by you, but his attempts weren’t working…

“How the hell am I supposed to not worry about my boyfriend when he seems so drawn to danger? It’s one thing to jump in to save the day, but Izuku… the injuries… I can’t even look at you sometimes when you’re so hurt… God, it looks like you’re in so much pain sometimes… and then I feel pain everytime I see you in pain that you're clearly trying to swallow down for the sake of others…” Your voice nearly broke when you thought about and vividly imagined some of his awful broken bones, how much they repulsed and worried you.

“I’m NOT drawn to danger. I know the injuries are painful… because they are, they still hurt so much but I’ve gotten stronger… I can endure them more.”

“You shouldn’t endure injuries that can potentially destroy you! You’re no good a hero if your body’s destroyed or if you DIE because your body's busted beyond repair and you can't fight, idiot! It’s the same as being defenseless! Don't you get that?!” You weren’t going to stop arguing until he owned up to the fact that you had a point, but Izuku wasn’t budging, if anything he was starting to get a little upset with what you were saying.

“You know… you’re starting to sound like my mom…” He said lowly, getting rather frustrated himself at how much you were arguing and not listening to him, almost like his mother had done when she initially considered not letting him continue attending UA.

“I’m not trying to sound like your mom, even though she had a huge point…” You grumbled, which made Izuku flinch as a spark of anger shone in his normally soft, green eyes. That was a stressful time when his mom nearly made him stop attending school at UA, and it was still a sore thing for him to think about.

“(Y/N)… what makes you think you can just lecture me about how to live my life? You don’t know anything!” He somewhat raised his tone now, and you were taken aback since Izuku never spoke to you like this unless it was a dire situation with villains.

“I only know that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if all you do is get yourself hurt by either Bakugou or the villains! It's one thing to fight against your rival, but how can you expect to fight if you're just going to keep hurting yourself?! I might not know much but I know that at least!” Despite your initial shock, you kept trying to assert yourself, not for the sake of winning a petty argument, but for the sake of trying to keep your boyfriend from constantly harming himself.

“No you don’t! I don’t need you to tell me how to run my life! And I don’t need you to help me to get stronger because you can’t, just like you can’t even do that for yourself. Ever since we got accepted into UA you haven’t progressed because you’re too busy worrying about me! Well, I don’t need you worrying about me! And I don’t want you to worry about me!”

It hit you like an arrow to your chest, the pain coming more from the truth than anything. You blinked slowly, expressionless once the words sunk into your skin as you let out a small sigh you didn’t know you were holding, bringing your arms over your chest as you gave a small nod once your boyfriend’s honesty sunk in. The worst part is, he was right. Compared to the others, you had been useless in nearly every single incident aside from the USJ.

However, you completely ignored the shocked look on his face, as if he realized that he seriously crossed the line and actually hurt you once he saw how shocked and speechless you were. Everything went silent for an uncomfortable minute until he started stammering an apology.

“(Y-Y/N)… I-I’m so sorry I-I didn’t…” You shook your head with an ‘Mm-mm’, turning around to go to your dorm as Izuku quickly followed you.

“I’m sorry! W-Wait, wait (Y/N), n-no don’t go, don’t go! I’m sorry I-I didn’t mean that! I’m so sorry! P-Please I-!”

“No. I don’t want to hear another word. Just... leave me alone… you’re good at that anyway...” You said that last part sadly once you made your way to your room, shutting the door on Izuku as he stood there, looking desperate and horrified with what he just did, what he just said. He had hurt you, worse than a villain could have. Shaking slightly, he remained at the front of your door as he forced himself not to tear up even though his eyes were betraying him as a tear ran down his face. Giving you space seemed like the plausible thing to do, even though all he wanted to do was give you a million apologies.

Sorry wouldn’t cut it this time though.

-----

The next day was completely awkward, and you deliberately avoided Izuku, even waking up earlier than he did so you could get to class as fast as you could. Every time he tried to talk to you, you refused to listen, telling him that you didn’t want to talk at the moment. And it broke his heart a little more every time you pushed him away.

However, eventually you DID talk to him, at lunch. Sort of.

“(Y/N)… please… please I want to talk to you…” He immediately came over to you after class once it was time to go down to lunch, and for the first time that day, you did look him in the eyes. But he saw no energy or glimmer of exuberance that your eyes normally had, all he saw was pain and melancholy, and it was all his fault. He did that to you.

“Okay...” Finally you said something to him today, “I wanna talk to you too... we need to talk in fact... but I need some time alone for a little bit, I want us to talk together later tonight…” You answered him, and it wasn’t what he wanted to hear but he understood nonetheless as the two of you sadly parted ways. He wasn’t surprised when he saw you sit with other friends at lunch or at least until you got up suddenly to head elsewhere. Everyone could tell there was trouble in paradise, because it was extremely awkward to talk to either you or Izuku. 

Uraraka, Iida, Todoroki, Tsuyu and even Aoyama had tried talking to Izuku, but he didn’t budge. Even when it was about you, it just brought all his guilt back from last night after he told them what you were both fighting about and what he said.

Of course, they agreed with you in how that was out of line (esp. Tsuyu), especially for him, but they each reassured him by telling him to apologize, let out his truest feelings and even do a romantic gesture to show how sorry he is and take you out on a beautiful date and buy you plenty of flowers afterward. That was Aoyama’s suggestion, but Izuku was willing to try anything.

Little did he know though, that nothing he could do would change your mind about the decision you just made for yourself.

-----

It was hard to look at your dorm-room as you took your most important things and would send for the rest of your things later. You didn’t want to imagine how your friends would react to find you gone the next morning.

As soon as you stepped out of your room, you headed downstairs and you there stood your boyfriend, looking extremely anxious and still guilty from everything from last night and before.

“(Y-Y/N)… h-hi…” He perked up once he saw you, his body visibly trembling because he wasn’t looking forward to this talk. It didn’t sound good based on the tone you had used earlier this afternoon. However, this was his chance to apologize and take back every single horrible thing he said to you last night and own up to how neglectful a boyfriend he had been. He’d follow Aoyama’s advice and take you somewhere nice, buy you flowers and whatever sweets you craved, hug you more and kiss you until you forgave him.

“Hi Izuku.” You waved to him with a sad smile, poor thing had no idea what you were going to say. And you weren’t sure how to announce it, other than just being honest with him. “I’m glad you made it here.” That was a lie, even if you knew that you had to break this to him face-to-face, even if it would hurt him and you deeply.

“I think a serious talk is long overdue… last night… wasn’t the right way to do that though… I overreacted.” You talked first, but Izuku shook his head.

“N-No… y-you didn’t… you were right… everything you said was right… but… I said some things last night that I’ve been regretting ever since I said them…” He quickly affirmed, his eyes quivering just thinking about how he had said those hurtful things to you. His dear, sweet, beautiful girlfriend.

Sighing, you crossed your arms. Everything he told you had kept replaying in your head the entire day. “(Y/N) I’m sorry… I’m so, so, so sorry… I can’t tell you just… h-how sorry I am…” Closing your eyes, you heard Izuku’s voice crack ever so slightly, it was killing you.

“I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m serious… I-I don’t know what was going through my head but… I-I really didn’t… I know I can’t take it all back but… I w-want to try and make it up to you… I haven’t been good to you… but I… I want to do better. I can make time… even with our schedules, I can s-still try to make time for you too… it’s not fair… what I’ve been doing to you… making you worry… I know I can’t always help it… but it’s still not fair… and you just worry because you care about me that much… I-I never should have told you that I don’t want you to worry about me… of course I don’t want you to worry yourself sick but… s-still…” Izuku said with a trembling voice, meaning every single word as you paid full attention to him, even though your decision was long made up.

“I know you are… I know you didn’t mean those things you said…so I forgive you Izuku… I forgive you…” Softly, you approached him and put your hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down so he wouldn’t panic or get too anxious as you gave him a little smile, and tilted his chin up to look at you as he looked at you sadly, partially relieved that you had forgiven him for the horrible things he said.

“But I also meant what I said last night Izuku, not the meaner things I said, but... about how I wanted to remember every moment here at UA... but... not like this... almost nothing has gone right here...”

Trialing off, you looked away slightly which made Izuku look at you, a hint of confusion crossing his features. “In fact... that's what I've been thinking about a lot and I made a decision... and I need you to know it...” That got him nervous again, he didn’t know what to expect at this point.

“W-What is it…?”

You gave a deep sigh, trying to regain your composure and not look at him for his remorseful, upset and glossy green eyes hurt you. How you adored his eyes, and his sweet, sincere and practically pure personality is why you loved him so much… but this was enough. You weren’t helping him progress, apparently his friends were doing that for him… why? You’ll never understand, but that’s why you have to go…

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQzvSFsGX2k)

“Izuku…” You sighed again, hating the way he almost looked right into your eyes as you called him again, but you knew that this would only crush him. “Listen…”

I gotta say what's on my mind Something about us doesn't seem right these days Life keeps getting in the way Whenever we try, somehow the plan Is always rearranged It's so hard to say But I've gotta do what's best for me You'll be okay

“Do you remember when we both got into UA? Together?” Giggling slightly, Izuku smiled just a little bit as he nodded at how long ago that felt when it was only at least a couple of months ago. “Y-Yeah… hard to believe it’s been that long… walking in this school, still feels like the very first time…” He said softly as you smiled and nodded, sharing his sentiment.

“It was awesome… the look on Bakugou’s face when he WASN’T the only one from our school to get in? Priceless… that was one of the best days of my life, not just cuz of that but because you and I did it together, yet with our own strengths…” A fond sigh left you, your smile not leaving even though it was becoming more forlorn and Izuku could see it.

“But… things have been… different between us… ever since the whole thing at the USJ. You’ve been really focused on your hero studies, which is… so great, you’re doing SO great…” You said smiling, and full of praise for your dear Izuku but that was just it… what have you been doing? Other than dragging him down? And vice-versa. You let him distract you from your own training and your own well-being. It was time to go your way, instead of his.

“And the Sports Fest was fun…” Another giggle escaped you, and he tried to keep his smile even though he knew that this conversation was still serious. “You got through to Todoroki… and you impressed a few other pro-heroes… but then you fought off the Hero Killer… totally freaked me out… and then to make matters worse, the final exams with All-Might and Bakugou… I don’t know how you got him to work with you, but you did… of course I’m sure it’s not like he did it for you… he never does…” You muttered bitterly, making Izuku cringe ever so slightly, because you always argued with him about Bakugou, he assumed this was about him…

He thought.

“And for God’s sake… again, Izuku you really fucked your arms up really bad at the camp, yet all you could think about was Bakugou? Not even about how I felt about what happened to you? Or the rest of your classmates?” You kind of chuckled when you thought about it again. Izuku had the grace to look ashamed, because in that moment he realized that he really didn’t think about how it made you feel… he tried so hard to reassure you those times, even though he saw how scared you were for him. Yet still, he insisted he was okay when it wasn’t okay.

“You’ve got priorities. Even though… I don’t think what All-Might’s doing is right… putting pressure on you, Bakugou pushing you around… I don’t think any of it is right… but your goal is. Your goals are right Izuku, but… another thing that isn’t right is us.” His eyes widened as he shakily gasped, this was what he was afraid of. He knew he messed up but this couldn’t be happening…

I've got to move on and be who I am I just don't belong here I hope you understand We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own way

“Our relationship hasn’t been exactly steady. You have your things, I have mine… I think too much about you, I worry too much about you… and you seem to do less of those things. And you were right, there are things I don’t understand, about you, All-Might and Bakugou… but there are things you don’t seem to understand about me either… which is why… I’m dropping out of the hero course… let another more deserving hero-in-training take it up. Preferably that Shinsou boy… He’ll be better at it than me anyway. He actually wants to be a hero for himself, I wanted to be a hero with you, but that’s not working out…” You finally breathed once you admitted your plan, squeezing your shoulder nervously and closing your eyes when you could practically hear Izuku’s heart shatter right then and there as the panic settled in his bones.

“W-What?! N-No… no y-you can’t… Y-You’re not serious…?” He asked you, extremely reluctant because you looked and sounded way too serious to be joking.

And your nod was further indication that just tore him apart. “I am Izuku… I’ve made my decision, it’s already done and I spoke to Principal Nezu today during lunch. Mr. Aizawa will find out about it tomorrow…” You said, cringing when you could hear the sound of Izuku’s breathing speeding up to the point where the poor boy was hyperventilating.

“B-But (Y-Y/N) you can’t quit! You’re one the strongest girls I’ve ever met! You’re already stronger than you have been before!” The words came out fast. This couldn’t be happening, you couldn’t quit, not when you had the potential to be an amazing hero, and not after you’ve been with him for so long.

“I remember when we were little you said you wanted to be a hero more than anything! And you’re going to be a great hero one day! Y-You amaze me, and you amaze our classmates! I-I mean… you’re one of the reasons I even go to school sometimes… because you’ve always… supported me… even when no one else did… those are… all the qualities of a great hero… it isn’t just your quirk, it’s the way you look out for people… the way you looked out for me… a-all those years when no one else did… I-I can never forget anything you’ve done for me... it’s one of the reasons why I admire you so much...’” Izuku stammered as he spoke of his admiration for you, anxious and trying desperately to tell you how much you DID inspire him, but after everything that’s happened, and after the fight from yesterday, you couldn’t be so sure. Deep down you knew he was telling the truth, but enough was enough.

“Funny, that’s not what you said last night…” You grumbled a bit which made Izuku cringe once he remembered that, and of course the guilt just hit him harder. "Besides, you haven’t even made me feel like that… I’m not one of your heroes Izuku… you already have two.” You sounded somewhat bitter, but mostly sad as you grabbed your backpack and put your shoes on. “And you’re going to be one too… I will be too, cuz I’m going my own way now… my dad’s going to be here any minute now.” Quickly, you moved as fast as you could, using your quirk to create a portal that would lead you outside.

“(Y-Y/N)!” You stepped into it fast so it disappeared and wouldn’t allow Izuku to follow you. You couldn’t let him follow you, it’d make this a lot harder than it needs to be.

“W-Wait! No, please wait!”

Don't wanna leave it all behind But I get my hopes up And I watch them fall every time Another color turns to grey And it's just too hard to watch it all Slowly fade away I'm leaving today cause I gotta do what's best for me You'll be okay

Warm tears slowly ran down your face, but you wiped them away fast, rubbing your cheeks irritably at how worked up you were getting. You hated it. You hated that you loved Izuku so much, but you couldn’t be with him like this, you had to take care of yourself too. Even though it was breaking your heart to get away from him and follow your own path, away from him and your classmates.

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t catch up to your classmates, especially not Izuku, Bakugou or Todoroki. And you wanted to, and you wanted to show Izuku that you could be as strong, courageous and inspiring as him. But you weren’t Izuku, and you weren’t Bakugou or Todoroki either, and you never would be. You had to be who you were and hopefully become just as amazing as they were, if not better.

All you wanted was to graduate and become a pro-hero with Izuku, and show him that you could be powerful too. However, with classes slowly getting harder and with all the villains distracting you and your classmates, everything you wanted was falling apart. Making dates became nonexistent with Izuku being either preoccupied with his training with All-Might or worrying about the villains. And then you spent a lot of your time worrying about Izuku which only got worse after he encountered Shigaraki at the mall.

Izuku was the love of your life, but it was clear that he could take care of himself fine. He said it himself, he didn’t need you. Just like that, your dream of being a pro-hero at Izuku’s side slowly disappeared with every incident, every moment spent fearing for his life. A colorful dream turned grey and dull.

I've got to move on and be who I am I just don't belong here I hope you understand We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own way

You sniffled as you took a bit of a detour and made your way into the dark school, knowing that Aizawa and any other teacher would be on your ass if they found you out of bed and on school grounds at this hour, but you had to give it all one last look before leaving.

A small, weak smile tugged at your lips when you saw the inside of your class, remembering the first time you stood foot into it. Your shoulders shook with snickers when you saw the exact spot Aizawa had been lying in when you and the rest of your classmates first met him. Hard to believe it had been so long ago since that day. There was no other happier couple than you and Izuku, you were so ecstatic when he got in with you, even if he did save Uraraka…

Shame filled you when you thought enviously of the girl, she liked Izuku a little TOO much. And you hated it… sometimes you wanted to push her, but deep down, you knew she didn’t deserve it. At least she would get what she wanted once you left, because after the first day at UA, things spiraled downhill for you and Izuku as he paid more attention to his classmates than you, pondering about their quirks, their strengths and weaknesses. Because he knew all about you, it felt as if you were no longer important enough for him to pay attention to.

It just wasn’t working for you here, it was time for something new for you. You told yourself this as you exited the school’s entrance and took one last glance at the large school. 

“Sorry…” For some reason, you apologized to the school as you closed your eyes with a heavy sigh.

“(Y/N)!”

You gasped in shock when you heard someone call your name, thinking it was a classmate or teacher trying to stop you, until you turned around to see Izuku closing in from the distance.

“Izuku…” Shaking and in near-tears from anxiety, your eyes widened when he followed you and started running towards where you were at. Why did he follow you? He was making this twice as hard, and it was killing you on the inside.

What about us? What about everything we've been through? What about trust? You know I never wanted to hurt you And what about me? What am I supposed to do?

“Please… just wait… y-you… you’re not really leaving right...? W-what… I mean… what about us? W-We’ve been through so much together… ever since middle school… w-what about all of that… t-that we’ve been through?” He shamelessly started crying, his tears shining in the moonlight and dripping down on the sidewalk. His voice sounding pained and full of grief and most of all, remorse.

“I know we have… and I thought that it meant trust between us…” You didn’t give in, no matter how much this was hurting you too.

He knew it. He messed up big time and nothing he could say would fix it. Izuku had unknowingly neglected you, he wanted to make you not worry but instead he ended up downplaying everything and it ended up pushing you away… and he really did it when he said that you weren’t making him stronger, even though the truth was is that you did… even more than All-Might and Bakugou… he adored you.

It was his fault you were leaving, and he knew he deserved everything he was getting right now.

Yet, he couldn’t bear to see you go.

“I’m so sorry (Y/N)… I’m so, so sorry… the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you like this… I-I never, y-you know I never wanted to hurt you…” Izuku apologized as he sniffled and wiped some of his tears away even though they kept falling, sounding the most sincere you had ever heard him, and he was always sincere. But this came from his very soul, it was agonizing.

He looked so hurt it was making your heart ache so badly you feared you would faint from the pain, however you just kept reminding yourself of how many times you both tried to spend time together, only to be interrupted by either villains or his priorities with his training.

“What about me?” You clenched your fists, trying hard not to cry yourself but you refused to give into him when you knew this was for the best…

You guessed…

Izuku knew your mind was made up, but it didn’t stop him from pleading because he loved you too much, he just… didn’t want you to leave. “I-I know… I know I hurt you… I wish I never did… B-But… if you go… w-what am I supposed to do? W-Without you…?” He shut his eyes and trembled, hating how pathetic he sounded in front of you, even though he couldn’t help how he felt.

I gotta leave but, I'll miss you…

“Oh… Izuku… my dear Izuku…” How your heart swelled with such remorse and pity for your poor, sweet Izuku, despite your decision you found it in your hurting heart to cup his cheeks and wipe some of his tears away, “I’m sorry…” You whispered before kissing his lips gently one last time, which steadied his labored breathing as he stopped shaking with every ounce of affection you gave him, caressing his warm cheek gently as you felt his body become more steady. Once the love of your life was calmed down, you slowly, and reluctantly pulled away.

“I’m so sorry… I gotta leave, but I’ll miss you.” You whispered one last time as you turned and began to run off into the opposite direction, heading to the gates of the school.

“(Y/N)!!”

So I've got to move on and be who I am (Why do you have to go?) I just don't belong here I hope you understand (I'm trying to understand) We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now (I want you to stay) I gotta go my own way

You panted and briefly stopped to catch your breath after running off from Izuku just, so you wouldn’t try to fall back into his arms again. This had to be done, you had to go your own way and let Izuku keep going his way. It was the best for both of you.

As you forced your tears to stay at bay, you perked up ever so slightly when you saw a car approaching and you saw your concerned father looking out and searching for you as you waved to him, getting ready to head over to him.

“(Y/N)!” Izuku ran faster than he had ever done before over to you, a sparkling stream of his tears flying in the air as you looked over your shoulder to see him, (E/C) eyes widening in shock and surprise at just how much desperation and adoration shone in his tearful green eyes.

“I-Izuku!” It nearly made you crumble on the spot as you quickly shut your eyes and turned away, fearing that your heart would ruin everything if you looked too long. However, his footsteps paused, and all you could hear was his crestfallen sobbing, “Please… I-I… I want you to stay!” Izuku cried out to you desperately and honestly, hugging his arms as he closed his eyes and didn’t move from his spot in an attempt to calm himself down. He had seen your father’s car, obviously he knew that his pleas weren’t going to get to you, but if this was over he wanted to at least tell you every ounce of love that he felt for you.

“I-I..." You sniffled, hating the fresh tears pooling in your eyes just seeing and hearing Izuku's pleas, but you wouldn't let yourself ignore this decision you made that was best for you. "I know..."

I've got to move on and be who I am (What about us?) I just don't belong here I hope you understand (I'm trying to understand) We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own way

Izuku tried, but he couldn't stop the tears or the cries leaving him, and he couldn't bring himself to look at you walk away even if he knew your mind was made up. He was trying to understand, and deep down he did, but his heart was breaking and making him fall apart. However, because you still loved him dearly, you went over to him oncemore in a rush, bringing your arms around him to hold him tightly.

"Shhh..." You gently hushed him, not wanting to see him break down anymore to spare both you and him some more pain as Izuku forced himself to stop crying just for a little bit, and embrace the last warm, loving hug he would get from you for a long time until you decided to come back. He hoped you would, he really hoped you would. He gladly hugged you back, holding you close and tightly as he sniffled, savoring every part of your warm arms, your sweet scent and your everything. And you did the same, hugging him a little tighter, reluctant to leave his soft, comforting embrace but you had to go.

It took a while, but you eventually pulled away from Izuku. Tears still streamed down his face, but he appeared calmer at the moment.

“Goodbye Izuku...” You whispered as you slowly walked away from him and approached your father's car. Even though your heart was broken, you looked over your shoulder to see Izuku one last time, green eyes meeting (E/C) eyes. Izuku was heartbroken, but he still found enough energy in him to pick up his hand and give you a wave, wishing you the very best of luck. 

“Bye...”

Forlornly, you picked up your hand to wave back to him even as you got in your father's car, wanting nothing but the best for him too. You knew he would do well though, you loved Izuku Midoriya more than anything in the world, but you had to go your own way and let him go his. 

I gotta go my own way I gotta go my own way

He watched your father drive you away, and once you were gone, more tears gathered in his eyes as his face scrunched up and he fell down to his knees, quietly sobbing to himself and muttering your name in despair. Even though Izuku understood your decision, he was going to miss you every single day, every single hour and every single minute. The only thing that brought him comfort at all was your memory, the hope that you would come back eventually, and his confidence in you that you were going to do just fine going your own way.

[dlucets]

cronophobia | oikawa tooru x reader

Title: Cronophobia Fandom: Haikyuu!! Character: Oikawa Tooru Genre: Angst-Fluff Word Count: 2385 Extra Info: Crossposted from dA // originally written in 2017. inspired by this song

Oikawa Tooru was not the sort of person who would be branded as a ‘worrier’.

Oikawa smiled brightly. His childish persona evident as he waved to the girls swooning over him. He didn’t let one ounce of fear show on his face as he walked down the corridors of his school. He laughed, he smiled at everyone, his entire posture was confident and unbreakable. A demeanour that he’d perfected over many years.

Even though there were the hints of irritation wearing away at the dancing happiness in his eyes. Even though there was fatigue crawling into the side of his face, he refused to show anyone the side of him that he’d hid for years. The side that was confused, lonely, scared. Hell, he was terrified for the future. The very thought that one day, he wouldn’t be walking these very corridors with Iwaizumi by his side scared him.

The thought that one day, he wouldn’t be the captain of Aoba Johsai’s volleyball team. The thought that he’d have to grow up, to move on in life. To let go of the bonds he’d forged with people over the years. It terrified him, really. The idea that graduation was creeping closer with every passing day, that he’d have to leave home and enter the big, wide world with only himself as company.

“Oi, Trashikawa, are you even listening to me? I sai-”

“Yeah, yeah, Iwa-chan. I get it. You don’t want me to stay up late all night because we have a game soon, right?”

He received a slap on the back of his head for his ignorance, courtesy to Iwaizumi, which resulted in one of Oikawa’s infamous pouts. Childish as always. A whine escaped his lips that emphasised the childish mask he was playing with, not allowing any cracks to show in his ‘flawless’ act.

“No, you idiot! Stop pulling that face, too. You’re not a child, are you? I was asking about your college applications,” Iwaizumi’s long sigh dragged out the silence between the pair as they walked through the school premises.

“Really, Iwa-chan? We have months off that, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll do fine, after all, you always make the best choices in life. That’s why you chose me as your best friend!” he chirped, fishing some milk bread from his bag and eagerly eating it.

“Tch. Could’ve fooled me. Anyway, I was asking about your college applications,”

Oikawa almost choked on the food he was eating for a second. He hadn’t really given it much thought. Hadn’t wanted to.

“I’ll get in somewhere. Y’know, I’m not just a pretty face, Iwa-!”

“Right, right, we get it,” Iwaizumi muttered, “you know, binge watching the X files isn’t something colleges tend to care about, Trashikawa.”

“Bah! I’m good at plenty of things, don’t get jealous, Iwa-chan!” he proclaimed confidently, pushing open the doors to the gym and allowing the atmosphere of the volleyball club to take away his current concerns and problems.

How on earth was he going to cope?

“Hey, Oikawa!” another voice dragged him out of his thoughts, and his eyes flitted to your figure.

“Yo, (Y/N)-chan!”

+++

“Oi, Trashikawa, you did some alright serves back then.”

He was currently leant against his locker in the club room, idly scrolling through his social media. Not really taking into consideration his surroundings, trying to silence the worry that was in his mind. When Iwaisumi spoke, he raised his head, erasing the frown on his lips and replacing it instead with a winning smile.

“I know, right!” he quipped, that immature smile once again twitching at the sides of his mouth and pulling his lips upwards.

Iwaizumi didn’t reply immediately, choosing to retrieve his bag from his locker before replying to the brunette. As he closed his locker, he shifted himself so he was leaning against the locker, a small sigh escaping his lips. He glanced sideways, surveying Oikawa’s far-away expression, as though he were locked in a daze and not really there.

“Oi, Oikawa,” he said, for once using his real name, which startled Oikawa slightly, “are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, Iwa-chan! I’ve never been better, how about yourself?” he smiled his irritatingly infectious grin as he sauntered towards the door, carelessly fishing the clubroom’s keys out of his pocket and waving them around a bit before he hit the lightswitch to the room.

“You coming, Iwa-chan? (Y/N)-chan will be waiting for us outside, you know,” he said, his sing-song playful tone fully returning, much to Iwaizumi’s annoyance as he walked towards the door, exiting before Oikawa.

As the clubroom dimmed, Oikawa’s liquid-chocolate eyes scanned the room. It was quiet and calm, yet it still held the happy atmosphere that it seemed to be cloaked in constantly. He rested his hand on the doorframe, looking back to check whether Iwaizumi had started to walk towards the gates to meet you. He was out of sight already, and he let out a sigh.

Just how many more days would he be allowed to close the clubroom door, to pocket the keys with the knowledge that he was the captain? Just a matter of months, a few months he’d have to continue with this happy go lucky childish facade. A few more months he could go on pretending he was still too young to care about work, to care about college applications and leaving home and living on your own.

He let out a sigh, shutting the door and locking it.

Pivoting on his foot, he once again carefully placed the childish mask into place, slipping into his act. His routine. He darted towards the school gates, whining about how Iwa-chan had abandoned him all the way.

Once he’d finally arrived at the school gates, he noted the crisp air. The darkening sky had prompted the streetlamps to already flicker to life, despite it only being five o’clock in the evening. Yet another reminder of how quickly time was slipping by, how little time he had left in this school.

School had been something of a sanctuary to him. A place he could slip into another version of himself, even if it did tire him. The way he could act and pretend, grow in popularity and act so out-of-character that nobody would even bother asking questions. The way the work he’d been given, the work he’d often complained about completing, had acted as a distraction from his raging thoughts of what he was going to do with life.

And now, he only had a few months left.

“Hey, Oikawa!” you greeted him, plumes of white air exiting your mouth and indicating the coolness of the weather.

“Hey, (Y/N)-chan!” he grinned, before turning to Iwaizumi and fixing yet another pout on his face as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“You abandoned me, Iwa-chan!”

“I didn’t abandon you, you’re just too slow,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, beginning to turn on his heel and walk out of the school gates.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go home now. See you two at school tomorrow, yeah?” he asked, holding up his hand as a way of saying goodbye as he began to walk away, leaving Oikawa alone with you at the school gates.

“So, do you want to get milk bread? After all, it’s Thursday. And on Thursdays, they do like… some offer on milk bread at the bakery. Two for the price of one!” Oikawa gushed excitedly, fixing his gaze on you as you simply smiled on.

“Sure!” you said, and fell into step with him as you headed down the road on the way towards the bakery.

There soon settled a silence, albeit a comfortable one, between the two of you. Like a blanket of smooth snow. Despite the lack of awkwardness, it was still undeniably heavy, as though the things that were pressing it down were heavier than bricks, yet lighter than feathers. You stole a glance at the tall brunette that strolled alongside you, and didn’t fail to notice the slight frown that sat upon his face. His face was tilted downwards slightly, strands of hair slithering into his line of sight that went unnoticed as he lost himself in a bubble of thoughts. Separating himself from the world.

“Oikawa, isn’t the bakery down this road?” you softly prompted him as he continued walking onward.

“Huh? Oh, right. Yeah. Sorry!” he offered you another feigned smile.

Your eyebrows scrunched themselves together, knitting themselves together in confusion as you surveyed the tall brunette. To say he was acting out-of-character would’ve been an understatement. Normally, the boy always had something to say, whether he was ranting out of irritation about a volleyball rivalry or he was discussing the many different ways he could discover whether aliens truly did exist.

The boy always had something to say.

Never had you ever been with him for so long that he’d had nothing to say. Ever. Since the day you two had met, both aged four years old, up until this day, fourteen years later, you’d never once seen the brunette so silent for such a prolonged period of time.

There was something up.

You looked at the boy, who had resorted to chewing his bottom lip as he walked, his hands curling into small balls.

“A-are you alright, Oikawa?” you finally managed to ask, though your question came out much quieter than you’d wanted it to.

He started, as though he’d forgot your presence, and then he smiled at you. A somewhat sad smile at that, though. As though he was a small child who’d been forced to grow up way too quickly.

“Yeah, (Y/N)-chan. I’m just thinking,”

“You seem… sad.”

He shrugged off your question and your assumption wordlessly. You didn’t bother pushing the subject further, not wanting to get into a potential argument with the boy. Knowing full well the way he worked and how he kept grudges, it was likely that you’d end up in his bad books for an entire eternity plus a day before he even considered forgiving you. Regardless of whether you were in the right or the wrong.

Given the current expression that resided on his face, you didn’t want to risk anything at all.

So it was a surprise to you when he spoke once more, his voice much smaller than it usually was, as though the words felt foreign on his tongue. Despite the fact that the words had been on his mind since what felt like forever, the fact that the words had plagued his every waking moment, and sometimes they’d even spilled over into his dreams. Subconsciously manifesting his fears with graphic imagery that had left him awake and afraid to fall back asleep again.

“Do you ever just… want to go back in time?”

“Hmm? Well, I’d like to know what life was like before technology, if that’s what you mean. Just… get a taste of how society worked. I know we learn about it and all, but what it’d be like to actually be there-” you were cut off by Oikawa’s voice once more, and you looked up in irritation that was instantly quelled when you saw his expression.

“No, no… I mean- look, I don’t know. Just… do you ever not want to grow up? Be like Peter Pan, or something. Just fly to neverland and never grow up. Sometimes, I just have this urge to… I don’t know, get on a train somewhere and never come back. Forget my life here and just… disappear? I don’t even know, really. But I don’t want to continue living this life, on this path, right now.”

“You… Oikawa? Are you...”

“It’s like… I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to carry on with the way things are going right now. I don’t want to graduate high school and leave you and Iwa-chan. I don’t want to move house, I don’t want my parents to grow old. I don’t want to have responsibilities, as selfish as it sounds. I don’t want change. I want things to stay the same. I want to carry on being the captain of my volleyball team. I want to improve, I want to be the best setter in this country,” his voice began to crack at some point, his breathing diminishing even more as he continued talking, his voice spiralling downwards and downwards, quicker and quicker.

“Oikawa,” you whispered, looking at the boy who always seemed so careless and nonchalant. So happy and full of life.

He wiped away the tears that were beginning to group at the sides of his eyes, his hands curled into fists. He let out a short, breathy chuckle as he did so.

“Look at me, I’m crying because of my own future,” he laughed, a sad laugh that sent a ripple of sadness through your heart. One that caused you to inhale slightly, your brain attempting to compile a short amount of thoughts before you began speaking.

“Oikawa, you’re a brilliant person, you know? You’re so clever, talented, funny, you’ve got every girl’s attention at school - and every boy’s attention at that, too, to be honest. You’re incredible in so many different ways, and so what if you have flaws? So what? I just… you’re so bright, it’d be impossible for you to burn out so quickly. You’ve got a long life ahead of you, I guess is what I’m trying to say, Oikawa. I just know that you’re going to be great. You’re going to do great, regardless. You’re brilliant, Oikawa, and you have the power to wield your future into whatever you damn well please. Don’t forget that power you possess, Tooru.”

“(Y/N)-”

“So stop crying, Tooru. Hold your head up high because you, my friend, are the best volleyball setter in this prefecture. Hold your head up high because you’re gonna go on to be a legend, Oikawa Tooru. Mark my words.”

You reached a hand up to brush the small trail of tears that had begun to work their way down his face, and he smiled a small smile at you.

“Thank you,” he whispered, gently taking your hand and interlacing his fingers with yours, his calloused hands warm against your cool palms.

“Now, how about that milk bread?”

[estamos-destinadas]

just finished re-reading your hp au fic and i really adore it so much, especially the details you've included about Ilvermorny - since jk kinda sucked the fun out of it with all the appropriation you sort of brought it back to life for me. anyway, even if you never write more, i'll likely go back and re read often. on that note, do you think you'll ever add more to it?

Hi anon.

I’m not sure if you mean the two stories I’ve posted on AO3 so far or just the first one, but just in case, the AO3 link is there. (And you probably know this already, but I’d also like to point out jetpackingpenguin’s Hogwarts/Triwizard AU which is awesome.)

And I know what you mean about JK Rowling. The new stuff aren’t fun and very disrespectful. She’s unfortunately very Euro-centric and it looks like she’s not taking off her blinders anytime soon.

I was hesitant to continue the HP AU because it would take place in the very setting we HP fans have complained about, but I have all these ideas and I thought maybe I could just use this opportunity to make a commentary about that. So to answer your question, yes, I am going to continue writing the HP AU. (write what you know, as they say.)

And on that note, here are a couple of snippets:

1

Lucía here is their Muggle Studies studies teacher. I alluded to it in the previous fics.

“I wish our Muggle Studies teacher brought us to these kinds of trips,” Andrew said to Lucía. After the toy shop, the student chaperones had led them to an electronic store, to the amazement of the other kids. They’d just left said store and were now just looking through the shop windows.

Lucía hummed, taking a moment to observe the students in front of them. “If all schools actually hired Muggle-borns to teach Muggle Studies, students would learn legitimate things about the Muggle world.”

“The Muggle Studies teacher at Hogwarts now is Muggle-born, you know,” said Andrew, sounding defensive. “Not when I was a student, though,” he admitted ruefully.

“Well, I suppose that’s another thing Ilvermorny has over Hogwarts,” Lucía replied. She didn’t really care about school rivalries, but Andrew was always so annoyingly superior about Hogwarts that she enjoyed enumerating ways as to why Ilvermorny was better, no matter that she didn’t believe them. “It has hired Muggle-borns to the Muggle Studies post for the past few decades.”

Andrew scoffed. “It’s all well and good for Ilvermorny to hire Muggle-born teachers, but the MACUSA still forces us to hold Muggle-born students’ wands hostage when they have to go home on breaks. That law’s outdated, I don’t know why it hasn’t been scrapped. It’s been proven that school-aged children are more prone to accidental magic if they don’t have their wands with them.”

“Oh, I won’t argue with you there,” said Lucía. “I think the MACUSA might be the only magical government that restricts underage wand-use to school boundaries. We certainly don’t have that back in Mexico,” she added. “And as for accidental magic without wands, that only applies to children educated under European systems.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Native American schools here teach wandless, nature-based magic,” Lucía pointed out. “And [the school we have in Mexico] has a mandatory subject on it from first to seventh year. Children educated under non-European systems are far better at controlling their magic without wands.”

“Wait– wandless magic?”

Before Lucía could reply, she noticed Valentina leading Juliana by the hand towards the front of their group. Valentina said something to the seventh-year Muggle-borns that Lucía couldn’t hear, but she pointed towards a clothing shop nearby, making her intentions clear.

2

After three days of being cooped up in the castle, Valentina and Juliana were finally able to go out of doors. The winter cold remained, but it was no longer biting, and the sun shone brightly, driving away the last traces of the past few days’ bad weather.

It was the perfect day to go flying, and Valentina was planning to do just that. She’d decked herself and Juliana in warm flying robes, Juliana borrowing one of hers, and they’d put on beanies for good measure. The flying robes had high collars that protected their necks from the cold, so they’d done away with scarves as it would only get in the way. Having dressed appropriately, they’d raced across the school grounds towards the broom shed to get their brooms.

“Hey, Juls,” Valentina called out as she took down her Nimbus XV from its specially-reserved rack.

Juliana, who was selecting a school broom from the communal racks on the other side of the shed, turned and gave Valentina a questioning look.

Valentina smiled slightly. Juliana looked adorable, covered as she was from head to toe with the exception of her face. “Do you wanna use my broom this time?” she offered.

“Val,” said Juliana, giving her a hesitant smile, “you said that’s not a beginner’s broom.”

Valentina nodded. The Nimbus XV was a Chaser’s broom, built for speed and agility over stability, responding to its rider at the smallest touch. “Yeah, but you said you wanted to fly up to the tower by yourself,” she said, meaning the disappearing tower she’d used to retreat to when she was feeling particularly down. She’d shown it to Juliana a few weeks ago and they’d gone up there twice, both times with Valentina flying the two of them on her broom. “With the wind, it’d be hard to go up there on those old brooms. We don’t have to go up there now, but you can start practicing on this.”

“But what will you ride? I don’t want to go up there by myself.”

Valentina scoffed playfully. “I can fly up to the tallest tower on like a… Firebolt 1.”

Juliana chuckled at that. “Alright, Señorita Águila, do you want this one?” she asked, taking out the Firebolt Magnum out of its rack. It was what Juliana had been using, the newest among the school brooms. In fact, it had been donated by Valentina herself when she’d upgraded to her Nimbus XV last year.

Valentina nodded, walking across the shed towards Juliana, who met her halfway. She handed her Nimbus to Juliana while Juliana gave her the Firebolt. Her old broom thrummed somewhat erratically in her hand, an indication of its less than perfect condition. The Magnum was still a relatively new model, having only been released a few years ago, but Valentina had always breezed through broom models like they were fashion trends. It had never been out of a desire to have the latest model; her brooms just had a habit of quickly wearing out. Eva had sometimes said that Valentina ought to take better care of her things, but Valentina never really saw the point of it until she had to help Juliana select the best out of the school’s sad collection of second-rate or second-hand brooms.

.

I’ve chosen those snippets because they’re mostly exposition and have a lot of nerdy Harry Potter stuff, which you seem to like, anon. 😊

Mind, those are unedited, so excuse the errors / weirdly-constructed sentences. I still don’t even have a name for the Mexican school.

Anyway, I am glad you like the story. I have most of it formed in my head up to Juls’ fifth year and Vale’s seventh. (I should probably outline it, lol.) I’ve got some ideas after that, but they’re all fuzzy. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write all of it down, but if the time ever comes that I feel like I can’t – hopefully that doesn’t happen – I promise to just dump it on a “proto-fic” type of post.

[quill-dagger]

SheepDog Intro

I started the most self-indulgent novel in the universe for NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago, and I revisited it today on a whim. Turns out, the intro to this thing was tons of fun, so I thought I’d post it here, partially as a reminder that as much as I beat myself up about it, writing is fun, dammit. 

        “Hey, do we have any dish detergent left? You know, for the blood.”

        Kendra looked up from the Tiger Beat magazine she’d been flipping through to see if Jen was going to respond, but the other girl was furiously typing on her phone. Her nails were just long enough to slow down her usually rapid-fire thumbs, and it didn’t help that they’d been filed to points, turning them into shiny, dark gray claws. Her rose gold pentagram phone charm swung with every letter she punched in. After a moment or two, she lifted the phone and snapped a picture of herself, smiling and throwing up a peace sign. She went through a couple of filters before selecting the one she wanted and posting the picture online. Kendra waited patiently before the other girl closed her phone and dignified her question with an answer.

           “My mom went to Sam’s last week and got like, three giant things of Dawn. We can just go to her place and take some later.”

           Kendra frowned and looked at the spreading pool on the floor. “How much detergent are we gonna need? Will a couple bottle be enough?”

           Jen reached out with her foot and lightly nudged the source of the blood with her foot. He groaned in response, but this groan was a lot weaker than the last. He’d be done soon, and they could stop all this waiting and finally get the ritual started properly, not to mention finally putting their kitchen back in order. The dining table had to be shoved aside at an awkward angle to make space for the circle in the middle of the floor, since the single bedroom and the living room were both carpeted, and they didn’t want to risk the stains.  Still, waiting for a grown man to bleed out was a little boring. They could have slashed his carotid and made it quick, but the demon they were summoning demanded that things be low and slow, so they’d opened up his wrists. Across the street, of course. Down the road would have been too efficient. Kendra wished she had brought her own phone for the hundredth time that night. She flipped open the magazine again and stared at the face of a non-threatening teen boy with swoopy hair and dreamy eyes. Maybe they wouldn’t have had such a hard time taking this boy down. He looked a lot lighter the dying man on the floor. Kendra vaguely wondered whether he would have bled out faster.

           “We probably have enough. It doesn’t really take that much.” Jen flicked a lock of black hair out of her face and continued fiddling with her phone. “Did you remember to place all the wards?”

           Kendra nodded. The windows and doors of the house had the little cloth covered in bits of protective code tucked away in the corners. She’d spent hours going over all the nooks and crannies, making sure that none of the energy from the ritual would be detected. They didn’t need any interlopers picking up their trace. Magic was a covetous thing, dark magic especially so. She didn’t want to be locked up in a government lab like the Fair girls. The modern justice system wasn’t equipped to keep dark witches locked up, but anything was possible with enough morphine.

           “What did those dudes want this demon for, anyway?” Jen asked. She had put her phone down and was leaning against her headboard, fiddling with one of her rings. “We probably have another couple of minutes before she gets here, so we might as well shoot the shit. The bald one was pretty weird.”

           Kendra turned a page in the magazine and glanced over some celebrity gossip. Some blonde actress got dumped by another swoopy haired boy. Someone’s mom was sick. It might have been cancer, but the sentence-long blurb was frustratingly vague. Sneaker endorsements. On-screen kisses. Two blonde white people in a cream Mercedes, smiling and laughing, wearing watches and jewelry that cost more than Kendra would ever make in a single year.

           “Something about the owners of a rival business or something. Like, another game shop.”

           Jen whistled. “Business rivalry! That’s new. Mostly we get revenge or some romance-gone-wrong shit.”

           Kendra wiped her sweaty palms off on the black comforter. “Didn’t one guy want to just, wipe out the town? I remember him. Some really wound-up kid who wanted to wreck the whole tri-county area.”

           Jen poked their victim with her foot again. No groan this time. They were getting closer. “I remember him. That was a no-go. Can’t spend the money if we’re all dead, sweetie. That’s the golden rule.”

           “We don’t have a lot of those,” Kendra muttered into her magazine.

           Jen frowned at her. “A lot of what?”

           Kendra took another glance at the man on the floor. The groans had stopped, and he was lying still, all the blood that had been keeping him alive surrounding him on the floor. His wallet was lying on the nightstand, empty. Jen had been the one to strip the vics of their valuables ever since Kendra had found pictures of a family and gotten cold feet on a job with a big payout.

          “Rules.”

          Jen scoffed and started lighting all the necessary candles around the room. “Don’t sweat it too much. You’re always over-thinking shit. Look, this dude was boring. He lived a boring little life with a boring little office job and worked boring long hours so he could bring money home to his boring little wife. Getting murdered was probably the best thing that was ever gonna happen to him, baby. Live fast, die young. Not young enough in his case, I guess.”

          Kendra took a piece of chalk and completed the last bits of code that made up the summoning circle, careful to check for places where it had been smeared by blood.

          “Promise we won’t end up like that guy,” she said, glancing at the greying temples soaked in red.

          “What, dead?”

          “No, sad and old.”

          Jen laughed as she finished up the candles. “Hell no, babe. It’s the 27 Club or bust. I’m not letting them put me into the ground with fucking crow’s feet. We can start by buying some more coke when this payment lands, got it?”

          Kendra smiled and sealed the circle.

         “Deal. Now let’s get this thing started.”

          Jen pulled out a glittery pink binder and flipped through the pages muttering to herself.

          “Let’s see...Matthias the Warped....The Ballerina, Caroline Matthews, Pazuzu, Hanako….Ah, there she is! Lamia. Okay, let’s meet our little friend.”

           Jen stood on one side of the circle, holding the book and looking very solemn for the first time all night. Certain demons are fans of solemnity, and this one happened to be one of those uptight geezers who demanded candles and chanting instead of orgies and dancing. Not the best ritual for a Saturday night, but Lamia was the best one for the job. Kendra stood on the other side, placing her palms in the air on the edge of the circle, her eyes closed in concentration. After a reverent moment of silence, Jen’s voice broke into a low chant.

           Neither Jen nor Kendra knew what language it was in. They had looked up how to summon Lamia online, but none of their sources ever agreed on whether it was some weird ancient form of Latin or Greek. Either way, it had taken forever to learn the words, and Kendra still wasn’t any good at it, but Jen was nearly a master. The chant rose and fell in the gentle cadence, and Kendra found herself swaying, enraptured by the power of Jen’s voice and the flow of energy steadily rising from the floor. She opened her eyes just a crack and saw that the man’s body was sinking into the floor as if he were drowning in quicksand. Kendra wondered vaguely what even happens to the bodies of their vics after they disappear into the swirling pink void, the color of the universe somewhat anti-climatically named cosmic latte, but the power overtook her mind again, and she shut her eyes to feel it more strongly.

         Jen’s voice wavered, and Kendra peeked at her from across the circle. Her brows were knit a little more tightly than usual, and her gray claws dug into the glittering back of her binder. Something was up. Usually, the two of them was all that was needed to diffuse the power of the ritual, but things seemed to be getting dicey. They’d brought the Lamia into their world with no hiccups before (aside from the occasional attempted murder of someone who was not a target), but now Kendra was beginning to feel the strain. Her breathing became more labored and her hands began to tremble as they threatened to fall to her sides. Something was blocking the Lamia. Something huge. Something even more dangerous.

          Jen looked at Kendra from across the circle, fear in her eyes. Kendra shook her head at her and mouthed, ‘Stop the chant’. Jen’s eyes widened, but Kendra nodded firmly, leaving her no room for argument. It would be better to just get another sacrifice and try the ritual again some other time instead of dredging up whatever horror they were about to encounter. Murder was a bitch, but so was dying, and neither of them were 27 yet, anyway. Jen grimaced and shut her summoning binder, although not without some difficulty. The power dissipated, leaving them standing in the middle of the room with a half-open gate to some distant netherworld in the middle of their kitchen. The body had long been consumed, but all-in-all, it was still quite a mess.

         “What the fuck was that?” Jen snapped, throwing aside her binder and pointing at the remnants of their failed summoning.

          “How the hell should I know? There’s no way Lamia should have been intercepted. I didn’t think there would be enough time.”

          Jen grabbed her candle snuffer and went to work on the candles. “Well, whatever it is, I don’t want to find out. Lamia is our resident badass. If something can take her out, then whatever it is, it can stay on that side of the circle for all I care.” She shivered as the last candle went out.

         “Jesus,” she muttered. “I didn’t sign up for this shit.”

        “Uh, didn’t you though?”

         “Shut the fuck up, Kendra!” Jen yelled across the circle, “I signed up for coke and money, not for this…”

          “Jen,” Kendra interrupted. “I did not say that.”

          Jen paused, mouth open mid-tirade. Where the body of a man used to be, where the warm pink swirl of the portal between worlds pooled beneath their feet, was a face. A brown face with a wicked smile and killer eyebrows. It stared up at them, eyes going back and forth between the two.

          “Down here, girls.”

           Kendra shrieked and tried to scuff the edge of the circle to close the gate, but the chalk refused to come up no matter how hard she tried. Jen grabbed the knife they’d used to take down their vic and waved it threateningly, the dried blood on the edge making for a gruesome display.

          “You stay the fuck down there!” Jen shouted. “We don’t want any trouble from you, okay?”

          The face huffed. “Well, I didn’t want any trouble either, but here we are. Stuck together on a Saturday night. The Coathangers were playing at the Masquerade tonight and you’re making me miss it. I hope you’re happy with yourselves, ladies.”

          Slowly, the face rose out of the darkness, revealing that it was attached to a head with long, white locs. The being continued to rise, revealing a woman in a jean jacket crusted with a million buttons and patches. In one hand, she held a long bowie knife inscribed with line after line of code. In the other hand, she held the disembodied head of the Lamia, all tongues and rage even in death, her neck stump dripping with green iridescent blood. It was also apparent, once she’d fully exited the portal and stood swaying on the kitchen floor, that she was very, very drunk.

         “Oh God,” Kendra groaned. “It’s you.”

         “Hey now,” the interloper drawled. “Is that any way to talk to an officer of the law? I don’t think so.”

         “Why don’t you ever just mind your own fucking business, Sheepdog? We know what happened to the Fair girls. We aren’t about to go down like them.”

          “What happened to them was...yeah, that was pretty shitty,” Sheepdog said. “But then again, they shouldn’t have been cutting people up to summon demons for their freaky underground club thing. I looked around down there, and let me tell you, corn on the cob should not be used that way.”

          Jen lunged at Sheepdog with the knife, but Sheepdog’s knife was faster. Jen’s weapon sailed through the air and landed next to the sink. Jen crumpled to the ground and moaned, cradling her injured hand. Kendra backed away slowly, thinking furiously of anything she could use as a weapon. She grabbed a candle and waved it uselessly in front of her.

          “Stay back. Stay back, do you hear me?”

           Sheepdog walked towards her slowly, swinging the Lamia’s head in time with her steps. She didn’t seem to be in any great hurry.

            “Yeah, I hear ya. I’m just not listening, you know?” She stopped and tossed the Lamia’s head at Kendra, who caught it in her arms with no small amount of disgust. “Look, the boys will be here soon, with magic neutralizers and, if you give them any shit, guns. So have a seat and relax or something. No need to lose your head.”

            Sheepdog snorted and started giggling uncontrollably as Kendra watched her with a mixture of hate and horror. After she collected herself, Sheepdog twirled her knife and walked back to the still-open portal, whistling a little tune as she went.

            “Wait!” Kendra shouted.

            Sheepdog stopped and turned, swaying under the pull of both the portal and her own inebriation. “What?”

            “How did you know we were doing this? How did you know to stop us?”

            Sheepdog stepped into the portal and spoke as she began to sink into the abyss.

           “I have ways, girl. Ways that you would not even be able to begin to imagine. I have whispered to the shadows of dead men in the dark. I had spilled the blood of a suckling calf in the darkness of the new moon. I have wrung bile from goat stomach, traded the minutes and hours of my life with the blind sisters of the end times, and filled my belly with the cold waters of the rivers of deceit. I am connected with all the paths of magic, and all those paths led me to you, on this night, committing evil against man.”

          Kendra trembled, watching Sheepdog slip further and further into the portal disappearing beyond their reach.

         “Also,” she added, just as her mouth was about to slip below the surface. “Your friend there posted some shady shit on Instagram earlier today. That was also a factor.”

          In one more breath, Sheepdog was gone, and all that was left of the night was the ruined head of the Lamia, and the sound of approaching sirens in the distance.

[fanficimagery]

Imagine being an American transfer student at Hogwarts. The war is here and though you've made friends whose loyalties had always been questionable, and have managed to lay somewhat low, you didn't think the one person you had become close with would leave your side when you needed him the most.

Draco X Reader

Standing on one side of the demolished courtyard, bloodied and dirtied, fatigue sets in and all you want is for everything to be over. The war was something you were never meant to be dragged into, but after befriending numerous of your peers and becoming fond of others you really couldn't look the other way.

You had come to Hogwarts in the middle of your Fifth year and immediately you were clued into just how drastically different Hogwarts was from Ilvermorny. There was a bunch of house rivalry bullshit going on, but that was nothing compared to the blood purists and their righteousness. Fortunately for you, you were a pureblood and a Slytherin- a Slytherin who didn't hold the same views as a majority of the other snakes, so you were able to befriend others from different Houses. Unfortunately for you, however, you were also something other than just a witch and guarded your secret as if your life depended on it. 

Because sometimes it did.

In your Sixth year, however, something just clicked between you and Draco Malfoy. The usually pompous prick had closed himself off and didn't care much for getting other students in trouble as he once had, and that was when you realized something more was going on. He was a little reluctant to open up to you when he realized who your friends were, but you assured him that what was said between the two of you was never to be repeated anywhere else just as what was said between you and your other friends was never repeated elsewhere either. And then it wasn't until after you'd found him sobbing, and on the verge of a panic attack, that he told you about his family and who was staying in his home. You'd been shocked and terrified for him, but when he realized his mistake of opening his mouth he tried to take it all back.

You could only stare sadly at your friend until it looked like he would try to lash out to prevent you from repeating what he'd said, and he only calmed down when you told him your deepest secret so he had something to hang on to. To say Draco was shocked would have been an understatement, but he eventually got over it and accepted you as who and what you were.

"Harry Potter.. is dead!"

"No!"

You cringe at Ginny Weasley's anguished cry, she knocking you from your memories, and your breath stutters in your chest at the fact that you can clearly see Harry laying lifeless in Hagrid's arms. The deatheaters behind Voldemort all snicker as their master belittles Ginny and the Light side for putting their faith in a teenaged wizard.

A hand slips into yours and you glance to your side only to find Draco. He's equally dirtied and tired, and you flash him a sad smile while you listen to the nonsense that the supposed Dark Lord is spewing about joining his side now.

"You good?"

You squeeze Draco's hand and nod. "I'm standing, aren't I?"

He faintly smiles before returning his gray gaze forward once more.

"Come forward... and join us," Voldemort hisses in glee.

There's a pause in time where the two sides just stare at one another, the Light side swaying in fatigue and under the overwhelming loss of children and friends.

"Draco!" The name carries across the courtyard and everyone zeroes in on the pathetic figure that is Mr. Malfoy. "Draco," he says again, trying to puff out his chest in pride as if he weren't covered in dirt and silently beckoning his son to their side.

Draco frowns and you squeeze his hand, you breathing a silent sigh of relief when your best friend turns his face away from his father without taking a step towards him.

"Draco... come." Narcissa's motherly tone carries next and your heart stops. While you knew Draco didn't care for his father after everything he forced his family into, you knew it was a completely different story for his mother.

You feel Draco's grip go slack and you whimper from the back of your throat. When you feel him sway forward as if to take a step, you lightly growl and look at him in disbelief. His expression is closed off though you see his eyes are faintly glossed over with unshed tears. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.

"Draco," you plead. He walks forward, your hand still gripping his. Grasping tighter, you swallow back a sob. "Dray."

He tugs his hand out of yours and when you take a step forward to follow him, a hand falls on your shoulder. Glancing back, you see Luna Lovegood smiling sadly at you. "Let him. You'll find each other again."

Your momentary lapse of action is just long enough for Draco to get halfway to the other side and when you stare at him, you find Voldemort awkwardly hugging him. "Well done, Draco. Well done!"

You growl at the contact, a little louder than intended, and Luna quietly shushes you. Several students glance at you, but no one even bats an eye.

Neville starts to limp forward, shrugging off hands grabbing for him. You can only stare in shock as the Gryffindor raises his head and stares Voldemort in the eyes.

"Well, I must say I'd hope for better," the Dark Lord muses. His followers laugh at that. "And who might you be, young man?"

"Neville Longbottom." At his name, Bellatrix Lestrange cackles.

"Well, Neville, I'm sure we can find a place for you in our ranks."

The smug words grate on your nerves and something in you snaps. You snarl, startling many others and creep forward until you're standing to Neville's left. Neville is staring at you in shock, but you don't smell any fear wafting off of him.

"Ah, and who do we have here?" Voldemort exclaims.

"None of your goddamn business."

"American," he titters. "How splendid."

You snarl again and you feel your fangs itching to elongate.

"I-I'd like to say something," Neville stammers. His voice soothes some of your rage.

His words clearly agitate Voldemort, but the dark wizard allows it. "Well, Neville, I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to hear what you have to say."

"It doesn't matter that Harry's gone."

"Stand down, Neville!" Someone shouts from behind the two of you, but Neville shakes his head. 

"People die everyday," he continues on. "Friends, family. Yeah... we lost Harry tonight, but he's still with us. In here." He gestures to his own heart and you can hear the the witches and wizards behind you amping up with excitement and hope. Neville didn't step forward to join the Dark side. He stepped forward to oppose them.

"They didn't die in vain, but you will!" He yells. "Because you're wrong. Harry's heart did beat for us. For all of us! It's not over!"

Neville somehow pulls free a sword from the crumpled hat in his hands and with the turn of events you light up with a fresh wave of adrenaline. You see a purple spell shoot towards the two of you, but as Neville doesn't have his wand in hand you shove him aside. The curse hits you in the side and you stumble in shock. When you press your hand to where you were hit and then pull it away, it's covered in blood.

Glancing up, you can't help it. You roar.

But as you roar, you feel a shift of something inside of you. Every sense of yours is suddenly sharper and the power that floods you nearly floors you. You can feel your features shift and hear the surprised gasps from both sides.

You roar again, louder, and barely recognize Draco being held back by his mother- Draco who's shaking his head frantically at you to cool it. But in the next second, numerous howls answer yours back.

"Dirty half-breed," Voldemort spits.

"I may be a half-breed," you growl, "but at least I'm still a pureblood witch. Can't say the same, can you, you half-blood?" Voldemort hisses and his supporters shout in protest. "I only look like a monster when I shift," you continue to taunt him, "but I'll never look as monstrous as you who's forced to look the way you do every day of your pathetic life."

Everything happens within a split second. Voldemort shouts in rage and fires a curse straight at you, but a shield springs up between you and it. There are surprised shouts of joy and seeing a blasting curse shot at Voldemort's pet snake, you're surprised to see Harry rushing back to the Light side while throwing up shields to protect himself.

Neville rushes forward with the sword, but Voldemort blasts him away. You're pulled back by George and his brother Bill to be led inside the castle, and the last thing you see before the rage completely takes over is the Malfoy's fleeing the battle.

Sprawled by the small pond on the Weasley's property out behind the Burrow, you can't help but soak in the sun and just relax. It's been five days since the end of the war- one of those days being spent explaining to the Weasley's and friends just what you were. Another two days was spent grieving those the Light side had lost, one day was spent attending funerals of those witches and wizards you knew, and this last day was spent by walking off on your own to just let everything finally sink in.

The Weasley family, Harry, Hermione and Neville had taken your news exceptionally well and you had entertained Fred- who'd been on bed rest since the end of the war after a wall had fallen on him- by shifting your features for him and growling at his siblings when they got too overbearing.

But while you were grateful for the Weasley's giving you a spot to recuperate, you were still a bit down that you hadn't heard from Draco. Many deatheaters had been set trials and the Malfoy's were some of the first to be tried. Lucius had been sent straight to Azkaban, Narcissa was put on house arrest and forbidden to use magic for a year, and Draco- Draco was put on a year's probation with weekly check-ins at the Ministry so his wand could be scanned for any castings of dark spells. And though you knew he was home thanks to Harry's contacts within the Ministry, he'd yet to make any sort of contact.

"Y/N? You have a visitor."

Sighing, you sit up and turn around. Shielding your eyes, your eyes widen in surprise when you see who's standing next to Harry. "Dray?"

The blonde wizard flashes a faint smile and tucks his hands into the pockets of his slacks. Harry glances between the two of you before clapping his hands. "Well... I guess I'll just leave you two to it. Lunch will be ready soon, Y/N. Molly says you better eat this time."

"Yeah, yeah," you mumble. "I'll be there."

Harry walks off and Draco just stands there, you quirking an eyebrow at him until he huffs and takes a seat on the ground next to you. His knees are bent and his forearms rest atop his knees as he laces his fingers together. Staring out at the water, he says, "I'm sorry."

You sigh and start plucking out blades of grass. "Don't worry about it."

"But-"

"But nothing," you interrupt him. Finally turning towards him, you lay a hand on his arm. "They were your family, D. And while I don't care for your father, your mother needed you."

"And you needed me," he says, finally meeting your gaze. "Merlin, Y/N, you outed yourself in front of everyone! They all know you're a werewolf now."

You shrug. "I didn't like that creep touching you."

Draco gapes at you before snorting, the tension finally breaking as you chuckle. "You're touched in the head, did you know?"

"Only a little, but you still associate with me." Draco finally laughs and he slings an arm around your shoulders which then leads you to leaning into him. "How'd you get this far, anyway? I'm sure not all the Weasley's were welcoming."

He huffs in response. "Surprisingly, Potter and Granger vouched for me. Ronald," he sneers, "tried to pick a fight, but the Weaslette threatened to bat bogey him if he didn't go to his room."

"Figured that would happen."

"Surprisingly, it was Mr. and Mrs. Weasley who assured me that no harm would come to me while I am here."

"Well you are a guest of their guest," you muse. "So as long as I'm in their good graces, any guest of mine will be in their good graces as well."

"Bunch of bleeding hearts," he mutters. You swat at his knee with laugh and then the both of you relax against each other. "How are you taking the transition?" He asks. "From beta to alpha."

"What?"

"I saw your eyes bleed red, Y/N," he chuckles. "I know what that means."

"Oh. It's... hard," you mention. "Don't get me wrong, I like the rush of power and the boost it gave me, but I'm kind of bummed that I can't go home now. It's not wise for two alphas to be in one pack."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Stick around, I guess. Build my own pack."

There's a beat of silence and then, "Start with me. I can be your pack."

Your brain short circuits and you lean away from Draco, eyes wide. "..what?"

He smiles sadly. "I can be pack. Right? I think I remember you saying one doesn't have to be-"

"-a werewolf to be considered pack," you mumble. Draco's smile breaks your heart just a little bit, the last year being hell for him and you know all he's really trying to do is find his own place in the world that doesn't have anything to do with the Malfoy name. "Dray, are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. You're my friend- my best friend! But if I'm being completely honest with you, we've been a little bit more than friends ever since that day you found me sobbing in that alcove at school."

You look at him- really look at him- and get caught up in the grayness of his eyes. A moment passes, then two, and finally your throw yourself at him.

Draco grunts as his back hits the ground, your arms wrapped around his neck and face shoved into the side of his neck. "One last chance to back out.”

"Never."

With your face still hidden, you breath in deeply and welcome the scent of mint with just a hint of citrus. Your teeth elongate and your mouth opens wide, the pointed fangs crowding your mouth before catching a mouth full of flesh. Draco tenses beneath you, but you merely put enough pressure to leave indentions without breaking skin.

Draco grunts and you growl, and when you pull back he doesn't let you go far. His hand cups your cheek and his thumb brushes the skin beneath your left eye. "As your first inductee, I graciously ask that you don't let Potter or the Weasel into our pack."

You snort and then nip at his thumb. "Fortunately for you, I don't think either of those two can follow an order. You, on the other hand, I think you'll do well under me."

"Under you, eh?"

As Draco smirks, you roll your eyes and shift your body off of his. Sticking close, you lay your hand in the middle of his chest and then rest your chin atop the back of your palm. "I'm sure you'll be under me sooner rather than later, but you know I meant it the other way as is under my wing."

"So arrogant," he teases.

"That's what you think," you laugh. "You forget that I smell chemo-signals, my handsome blonde friend. I can smell your natural scent of mint and citrus. I can smell your contentment and I can smell just what me landing atop of you did."

"Er-"

You laugh at the sudden blush that stains his rather aristocratic features and then you lean up to press a sweet kiss under his chin. "So bashful, Mr. Malfoy," you tease. "Where's the arrogant little prat I met when I first moved here?"

"He's, uh, he's still coming to terms that the witch he met not so long ago and developed feelings for actually returns said feelings at the moment."

"Oh, Malfoy, we're going to have so much fun together."

[lady-d-ac]

Voltron Legendary Defender Deserved Bette

Dear Voltron Fans Voltron Legendary Defender Deserved Better now I say it's the writer's fault or that it's DreamWorks because frankly, I have no idea at this point.

But I will say is that starting Voltron with the very first season I thought it was tremendous, but I slowly watched it go from third to two thirds from bad to worse.  In the beginning, you could tell that the writing was focused clear and neat and you could feel the rush after us being more rushed after season three. And yes after reading, ... Comment link in the description below that they did lose some decent writers for the series and they were also rushing it out towards the middle to final parts of the seasons. I particularly felt they were out of ideas by season seven, That was the worst season for so many other reasons than killing off Adem, But I'll get to that further on. In the meantime, the big disappointments I feel happened, are the many missed opportunities they could talk but didn't, lack of world building and lack of character development and relationships.

Particularly in lance's character development, in the beginning, he was going to laugh more a lot more but that was left out.  I just shame because he really had some good foundations for a strong character. Lance acts arrogant and cocky but beneath that he's insecure, scared but is brave and willing to sacrifice his life for others, Lance is the kind of person who put aside his fears it and wants for the good of others and frankly I just feel like his character potential was wasted throughout the series. Not to mention how his" friends" Pidge and Hunk treated him but that's a topic on the whole other level.

Mainly the character relationships between the teammates, Season 1&2 were all we really got with development between the characters and their relationships, and really was a light touch on the subject but not much.

Of course, we were all curious what was Keith's relationship with Shiro?

What was Lance's rivalry with Keith really about?

Would Pidge and Lance developer brotherly-sisterly relationship with one another and the loss and separation of their family members, and what kind of relationship with the be like?  Would blossom into a small romance?

Would lone Wolf Keith eventually become comfortable with his teammates and open up about his traumatic past with the other members about his life and becoming a better team player?

Would they ever find Matt Prof. Holt alive, and if so what with their feelings beyond the aliens after being violently abducted versus their dreams of meeting intelligent life, how would this affect professor holds you on the universe after this?

Who's Keith's mother and whatever happened to his father? This is disappearance have something to do with the galaxy Garrison? Where is Shiro? And what happened to him? would Shiro and Allura have a relationship with what few tender moments they had on-screen? We ever get to see Allura is passed on Altea?

And what happened to Shiro during his time as a Galra prisoner. Why was Hagger trying to make and so strong, and how much experimenting did she do? Was he so similar to Altans was she trying to infuse his genetics with what Altan DNA she had left? Why Shira going to be an experimental hybrid between human and Altan DNA?

Did King Alfor secretly build a six lion, the white lion?

What was the galaxy Garrison really up to, especially Commander Irvington and he seemed to have so many secrets and want to keep a lid on them?

Did the galaxy Garrison had ulterior motives? Was there something more nefarious going on there? And how much do they really know about alien life? Was there it a secret organization behind the whole thing. Was Dare I say, the ancient villains Galactor somehow involved in the now globalized government military system, pushing things forward for their own benefit behind-the-scenes, and with this lead to the legendary team-up of GForce with Voltron, and somehow the Macross consortium.

(Though I know this last paragraph is fan wishing)

All these questions were answered never because most of them never happened. Yes, we got Shiro and Keith's backstory. We got to meet Keith's mother and find out the fate of his father which in my opinion was sad but not really what I was led to believe based on the episode the Blade of Mamora, in which keep this up to see his father, but is not shot that he's alive again considering he's compound dead in the later seasons. We also at least get to see how case parents met but it just doesn't go into too much detail about that either. For instance we seek will only as reaction was she being saved from the shuttle that's good, but what about a reaction after she regained full consciousness, her reaction to her pregnancy, her spending more than just a few minutes of screen time with baby Keith, all this would have a lot more depth to the relationship between Krolya and Keith's father's as well as their son. I'm not saying they should have done a whole relationship thing throughout the episode, but a bit more than what they gave us would've been nice.

As for Lance and  Pidge's relationship, it completely disappears after season three. We seen Pidge still getting jealous over Lance is flirting and self-idolization with beautiful girls in the first episode of season three, but after this, we really don't see much more of it leaving the question what happened. We know that Jaquam De Santos and Lauren Montgomery of specified that while all more rise the girl Lance wants she's not exactly the girl Lance needs and with the way the relationships were going we could assume that Implied the back girl could be Pidge. Yet after all of this, we just see them growing more and more a part as the series progresses and not in a good way. Later in the season it's obvious he feels bad the Laura's going after load tour despite the fact he claimed in his “ unquote” interview” that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that is by not settling for one girl, (yes I know there are many inconsistencies in the script) yet here he is moping and clearly upset about it, while Pidge and His Best Friend, Hunk Rob into his face that the Prince and Princess will be getting into a relationship together. And they do nothing to lighten his mood a little bit about it, that just basically making fun of him without any remorse or empathy for how he feels. And this is supposed to be the team that is supposed to have such a strong team bonding can take five mystical lion robots and combine them form a super giant robot? What the heck!

Of course, Keith gets more distant from the team instead of getting close to them. While yes it was the fault of a fake Shiro, Wouldn't he have a stronger bond with Shiro after the years he's known him to know that there was something off about this Shiro? I'm just saying the relationships for a long time tend to notice problems even small ones. But then again the two producers have shown they can't really write relationships well. 

That aside, I really think that during Shiro's disappearance this was a great opportunity for the team to get know each other better and bond more, 

Allura could have gotten to know Pidge better than what her life on Earth was like. Her past experiences with her not so great male classmates and teachers. How page feels about herself, what she likes what she dislikes, and in turn, she could learn a lot about a Laura and how she had to deal with things, what life is like to be the Princess of the entire planet and the responsibilities that came with it. How they dealt with things and how they could learn from each other how they could handle it in the future.

Lance hunk and Keith could've all gotten to know each other a little better. Lance could've learned Keith despite being the best in his class did not come from perfect life. He lost his only family member at a young age and had basically lived from foster home to foster home, dating a distrust of people and a cold distant Attitude because of it. Keith could've learned about both Lance and hunks families, how even though they came from big families they still have their difficulties as well as their joys. How being the younger sibling can be somewhat adult indulging but being the uncles that they are, is a big responsibility. And it could warm up to Keith by offering him to come to spend not next holiday with their family when they return to Earth. This would also really be a great opportunity for Lance because despite his rivalry with Keith he sees a twice been hard for him and he reveals that he's insecure about his status at the Garrison because his older siblings are much more accomplished than he is. And he Felt he should be just as good as Keith, in order to prove that he was worth something not just everyone but himself. And this helped break down a lot of barriers between him and Keith's cold relationship. As well as hunk having a better time understanding Keith knows how to relate to him better and is able to form a better bond.

Keith and then Pidge could have a bonding moment because they were both disrespected by their teachers one for being a bit too smart and the other for being a bit too brash. It also would've helped that they had a bonding moment with a Laura over the missing she wrote as a Laura had obviously befriended him, and page knew him as a friend of the family and how we both meant something to each of them.

Instead, most of these potential ideas were pushed to the sidelines in favor of moving on for Rush plot with some not so good episodes will step away from that for now and explain what happened to Shiro in the meantime. What we don't learn much about the experiments that were done to Shiro, we do know that his owner was used to make clones of him. How when why was this done? we have yet to get an answer!

We also learn that Shiro was, in fact, gay, and a former lover on earth but broken off because of his drive for the stars which is understandable, but we also learn that he has a terminal illness that is slowly shutting down his muscles and going to eventually kill him at the beginning of the seventh season. And it would great if we had this all the way back in the know the second season when he disappeared and apparently DIED! But also apparently there were three more episodes edited each season that were cut after certain riders left the show makes you wonder doesn't it, what they really did have a plan for the reveal. And it's not that I don't have anything against Shiro being gay it's just I like I said earlier, I would have loved for them to show signs of that earlier. according to what I've heard from the writers they had planned to make him gay and kill him off before the execs told them it wasn't a good idea. And frankly I agree with that, as it was not obviously the best writing idea to kill off a gay character in a supposedly positive modern action cartoon, if anything that shows that you're still stuck in the 70s and you're not with the times if you're going to be killing off the LBGT characters.

Frankly, I would've loved that Shiro is bisexual, and have a lightly explored relationship between his love for Allura in his former fiancé Adam. Heck even a Laura Adam having a conversation about top issues behavior is a leader and how I felt it was just too rash for him but that's what Allura loves about Shiro, how she's not so different from him herself and how need this strength from each other to push forward for the better.

But I think the biggest missed opportunity, especially from how they set it up, was not making the galaxy Garrison and enemy or at least a threat. There were hints in the first season that they were hiding something, they knew something was wrong on the Kerberos mission and it wasn't the pilot error. And it went through great lengths to hide it, even going so far as to ban the future grapevine that would've been a great asset to them from the base merely because she wanted to find out what happened to her family. They could have secret ulterior motives to try to steal some of the alien technology to push their own to make later expansions to the universe for the human race. Maybe they could've had their own ideas for Galactic conquest, or better yet had a secret agreement with the Galra military or possibly even connections thought Price Lotor himself. True there could've been some who wish to just protect the planet but it was so much more interesting having them as the bad guys. That's why was hoping the Gallactor was secretly running the Galaxy Garrison. I mean what else would you have a militarizing space program conveniently located all over the world. Conveniently making the galaxy Garrison the only world defense it's very suspicious.

All and all there was so much room for this kind of development but in the end of for one reason or another, they just didn't do it. I don't know why they did it this way and not 100% sure if it was the rush, executive pushing deadlines, saying some things were unnecessary, but what I do know is that the show could have been great. The show could really been something amazing, something different from all its predecessors,  something unique, something special. But in the end all it seems to me is that it's going to be a spectacular flop. Season eight debuts tomorrow and I don't know if any of you viewers will have the strength to read this beforehand as I know some of you will stay up late watching midnight (me I'm waiting till the morning). But I just hope your first and final viewing experience of this series isn't total garbage. But if it is, there is one solution find out all we can about the series before and after it was written, and do a rewrite of the series. We can do a crowd funder, signed petitions, right our own fan fiction and make our own comics of the series. Let's just remember even if it's not what we wanted we still have the fanscape to express how we feel about the series and how it made us feel. Happy viewing to a season eight

[xb-squaredx]

Sakura Haruno: Naruto’s Worst Missed Opportunity

The Naruto manga and anime may be over, but there’s still plenty to talk about in regards to the series. One of the series’ greatest strengths was its large cast of interesting characters, but one character in particular stands out as a massive missed opportunity. I’d like to go over in-depth why I believe that the author, Masashi Kishimoto, really dropped the ball in regards to the main heroine of the series, Sakura Haruno. I’ll assume anyone reading this has read/watched the series in full, but even so, here’s your spoiler warning. See you below the break.

I can break things down into about three key points that flow into each other, at each turn revealing that Kishimoto makes Sakura feel like more and more of an afterthought as time goes on. Let’s begin.

I. Plot Impact

Sakura is a main character in the story, but oddly she rarely has much impact on the plot. More often than not, Sakura feels like a wallflower who is content to be in the background while everyone else is doing something to drive either the plot or their own arcs forward. Look at the rest of her teammates and how they drive the plot forward, for instance.

Naruto, being the title character, has a huge impact on the plot. His goal to become Hokage is what makes the story. Outside of that, having the Nine Tailed Fox sealed within him results in the main antagonists taking personal interest in him later on. Almost every story arc in the series is about him growing stronger or developing in some way, and as the story goes on, we see his lineage is also pretty important, and he is eventually cast as a “Child of Prophecy” whose actions will shape the world for generations to come.

As for Sasuke, being the main rival and deuteuragonist of the series, he’s also a pretty big deal. The sole survivor of the Uchia Clan Massacre, his drive for revenge fuels his overall character arc, and as time goes on, the Uchiha Clan’s significance to the overall mythology of the show becomes incredibly important. Throughout the plot Sasuke is used as a pawn by several villains, and his own actions in the climax of the series are arguably the only thing that keeps the villains from winning. Throughout the series, his rivalry with Naruto is often compared to several infamous rivalries in-universe, their ultimate clash being built up constantly.

Onto their mentor, Kakashi Hatake. The son of a famous shinobi, and seen by many as one of the Leaf Village’s best, Kakashi is a constant source of strength throughout the series, as an ally or mentor. As time goes on, we learn more of Kakashi’s past and how much it ties into the present, namely the death of his teammate Rin and Kakashi’s own relationship with Obito Uchiha, who is eventually revealed to be one of the main antagonists. In the end of the series, his relationship with Obito carries as much weight as Naruto and Sasuke’s rivalry and his actions influence the climax in a very tangible way.

Sakura…had no real outstanding goals at the start of the series to drive her, and her own family has next to no impact in the plot itself. Her parents are never seen in the manga proper, only popping up in an anime movie, but the “Haruno clan” if it exists, is never shown to be that important to the Leaf Village, and thus the story. She is absent from many arcs in the series, and though she later learns medical ninjutsu under Tsunade and becomes quite proficient at it, it doesn’t really drive her goals forward. Her backstory, unlike the rest of her teammates, is largely “normal” and free from any real tragedy. Naruto was isolated his entire life, an orphan that everyone hated. Sasuke lives with intense survivor’s guilt and the trauma of seeing his beloved older brother murdering his clan. Kakashi, over time, lost everyone he ever cared about, while seeing countless deaths throughout the last great ninja war before the series began. Sakura…was bullied because she had a big forehead. One of these things doesn’t look like the other~

Kishimoto has mentioned in interviews here or there that Sakura, alongside Rock Lee, was meant to be a representative of “human weakness.” Now, there are tons of ways to read into that, but I think Kishimoto just intended for her to be the “normal” one of the group. The one that wasn’t weighed down by emotional baggage or superpowerful genetics that dive their every action. She could have been a character the audience could more easily relate to, but the sad fact is her character feels more like an afterthought compared to her team mates. She’s boring, barely a character and at least at the start she’s quite one-dimentional; the love-struck tween who can only think about boys.

Of course, that doesn’t mean she couldn’t affect the plot as it moves forward, and in an action-heavy series like Naruto that basically means that as long as she participates in fights, she has some kind of tangible effect on the plot…except Kishimoto often seems to forget she’s there. If we count the times she engages in actual important conflicts, they fit on one hand and the gaps between them are massive. Her first real fights occur in the Chunin Exams, first against the Sound Ninja trio in the Forest of Death, then her tournament match with Ino Yamanaka. From that point, we wait until after the first “half” of the series ends and enters into a timeskip of almost three years (when the anime started calling itself Naruto Shippuden). Her fight with Sasori at the beginning of Part II is a big deal, admittedly, as she not only takes out a significant antagonist, but also gains useful intel from him. However, she then sits out the vast majority of the show’s conflicts until the final arc of the series, and at that point it feels like she’s there only out of some obligation on Kishimoto’s part, and it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, narratively. At that point she had fallen so far down the power creep scale, she shouldn’t have made any actual difference in the fight, and yet there she was…

That is not to say there aren’t some reasons for why she doesn’t participate in some plotlines, to be fair. Eventually studying to become a medical ninja, she takes on more of a support role, and in a military setting like the ninja world, the medic is extremely important. She doesn’t get to do much in the Invasion of Pain arc because she’s too busy trying to care for the countless wounded, for example. Storylines like the Search for Tsunade arc also don’t quite need her, though it would have been nice to at least imply she was training or something in the meantime. But on the whole, you could cut her out of the show and not really change much of anything. And a lot of this is due to supposed character development that never really materializes.

II. Character Development

I want to preface this by saying that Sakura DOES receive development as the series goes on, and the Sakura we see at the end isn’t the one we see at the beginning of the story. The problem comes in how inconsistently she develops, and as a result there are several huge character moments that never really get the payoff they promise.

The two biggest moments where Sakura is given the shaft by Kishimoto occur with some pretty big gaps in-between each other. The first, and arguably most iconic scene for Sakura, comes during her fight with the three Sound ninjas in the Chunin Exams. Forced to care for a comatose Naruto and Sasuke, she’s already got the deck stacked against her. She’s easily restrained by one of the enemy ninja, who grabs her hair. Mocking Sakura for putting more time into her appearance than her ninja training, Sakura realizes just how far she’s fallen behind her teammates and with regained resolve, she makes a final stand. Chopping her hair off, she puts up the best fight she can, and while it’s a powerful moment, the impact is lessened when, for the next few arcs, she’s content to stay in the background once more. She’s knocked out of the Chunin Exams after the Double KO with Ino, and despite Naruto and Sasuke being shown training afterward, she never seems to make good on her efforts to get stronger. And it’s not like she didn’t have several opportunities to showcase improved strength, but she remains a wallflower…at least until the timeskip. At that point, it does seem like she’s grown stronger and more mature. She gets along far better with Naruto, and freely speaks her mind now, no longer relying on that “Inner Sakura” running gag of saying one thing and thinking another. Her third major fight, teaming up with the Sand Elder Chiyo against Sasori seems to deliver on her promise to get stronger…only for her to be sidelined again for several arcs.

In the aftermath of the Five Kage Summit arc, Sakura’s second moment of potential growth occurs as her and Naruto attempt to track down Sasuke once again. Here Sakura finally becomes aware not only of Naruto’s own feelings for her, but of the burden she’s placed on him by asking him to bring Sasuke back to the village. She attempts to make things right by proclaiming her love for Naruto, and that she feels nothing for Sasuke anymore, but he easily sees through the lie. She then decides that she must take Sasuke out before he can hurt anyone else, going so far as to knock out her friends when they attempt to stop her. But when she has ample opportunity to take Sasuke out, she hesitates. That alone is frustrating, if somewhat understandable, but following this she’s easily overpowered by him, despite Sasuke being severely weakened and nearly blind at this point. She proceeds to be rescued not once but twice by Kakashi and Naruto. 

What could have been a cathartic moment where she calls Sasuke out on his actions and moves past her feelings for him instead is a moment where all of her actions accomplished nothing and she becomes another damsel to be saved. It feels like she takes a few steps forward and then several steps backward at any given moment. Of course, this moment ties into the final area where Kishimoto fails Sakura as a writer: her “relationship” with Sasuke.

III. Sakura and Sasuke

(NOTE: This is an edit, but still pretty apt description of their relationship)

One of the first things we learn about Sakura as a character is that she loves Sasuke, and for a good while, “Sasuke-kun!” is about half of her dialogue. That said, she’s not alone here; almost every female in the series not named Hinata show at least some interest in Sasuke, so as far as a defining feature, it’s hardly unique. Throughout the series Sakura’s feelings grow in intensity, influencing her actions later on. However throughout the hundreds of chapters, the countless episodes of the anime and all the various multimedia installments, I don’t think there’s ever been a concrete reason why Sakura loves Sasuke. It’s clear she finds him attractive, but that’s about it. In fact, the early chapters make it clear that she knows next to nothing about Sasuke and he in return finds her annoying. Throughout the series he is aloof at best and downright cruel at worst, never doing anything that should inspire any fondness in her heart. Perhaps if Kishimoto established this as an unhealthy relationship this would be deliberate, we could have Sakura eventually coming to terms with that, but this realization never comes. Considering they have a happily-ever-after ending in the series’ epilogue, it doesn’t seem to be the author’s intent to show the relationship as invalid, unhealthy or unrealistic.

(So...that’s supposed to be endearing....?)

So many female characters fall into a trapping of becoming nothing but a love interest, their sole relevance being that of a trophy, an object to be fought over. Naruto likes Sakura, and that at least somewhat fuels his rivalry with Sasuke and, maybe subconsciously, his desire to be Hokage, as an example, though I’d say Sakura does pull away from that a bit. She is more than just a love interest for Naruto or Sasuke (or Rock Lee….); overtime, she becomes a confident, talented medical ninja and accomplishes a goal of becoming stronger. But the problem here is that all of her accomplishments and goals seem to be, more or less, to build up to the goal of getting Sasuke’s heart. She wants to get stronger so he’ll notice her, and later on, so she can bring him back to the Leaf Village when he defects. When she was younger she grew her hair out because she had heard that Sasuke liked girls with long hair. Half the time when she gets involved in the plot, it’s for Sasuke’s sake. It’s all about Sasuke, but the series is unable to make this love feel genuine. In a series rife with flashbacks, there isn’t ONE moment that shows us why Sasuke is so deserving of her love, nor do we get any real indication that Sasuke likes her all that much compared to all the other girls who fawn over him. It’s saying something that someone like Karin, a woman who takes her love for Sasuke to creepy, obsessive lengths, actually got a flashback later on that established just when she fell for him. Sakura didn’t get that and she married the guy!

I rag on this so much because it feels like this one-sided “romance” stole away such potential for Sakura as a character. Her ultimate fate in the story’s epilogue is playing housewife while Sasuke is out wandering the world, keeping it safe from unforeseen threats as a way of redemption, while Naruto has ascended to the role of Hokage. Sakura ends up in the background, even as an adult. She attained her goal, to marry a man who shows no affection towards her and is always gone, and despite undergoing training from one of the most respected ninja in the world, what does Sakura have to show for it in the end? With her own skills she could easily become a high-ranked ninja or medic of the highest caliber, but we don’t get to see any of that. I’m aware there are a large amount of side-stories that have been written/animated after the series ended, intended to fill in some gaps between the series’ climax and epilogue, but from what I’ve dug through, Sakura doesn’t do much of note.

That sums up Sakura’s journey pretty nicely, really. While there are a handful of strong moments and hints of true potential, Sakura feels like a secondary character awkwardly attached to major events every so often. Her effect on the plot is minimal in comparison to the other three main characters, with several large gaps between the small amounts of action she’s allowed to take part in, her development is in constant flux, and her relationship with Sasuke is a plot tumor that overshadows many other possible plotlines she could have gone down. I wouldn’t call Sakura the worst written character in Naruto, or the most forgettable one, but she is by far the biggest disappointment for me overall. With the Boruto manga and anime now hitting it big, I can only hope her daughter Sarada doesn’t share the same fate.

[paragon-yoshi]

Lamenting Societal Sanity

Title is based on this cutscene from Metal Gear Solid 2:

And here is kind of a review-version of it:

You know, if aliens were to come to you and ask you to describe the human species... What would you tell them? My answer to their question would be something like this: "Humans are animals living in small packs, defined by emotions, ideals and world views. We grow up, forced to learn a certain ideals and world views. Questioning these values is highly discouraged, as the mere thought of other values and viewpoints being 'not what it seems' is likely to be considered 'unacceptable' by the pack you're in. We are also a very arrogant and oblivious species. Arrogant, because we always think we know everything, when in actuality we know nothing at all. We constantly make up 'truths', based on speculation and baseless conjecture, while ignoring the real truth. Actual truths are only accepted, if they are convenient to us. The instant the truth starts being harsh to us, we block it out. And oblivious, because we are unable to see our own ignorance and imperfection. We always pride ourselves in being dominant and above all else on this world, even members of our own species. In the end, we are still animals, that seek prey. Only that our definition of 'prey' has changed with our modern lifestyle." Yes, that's pretty much what I'd tell them. Why am I saying this about our own species? Because I was on the receiving end of hate, slander and misinterpretations, over different ideals and world views, more times than I want to admit... My ideals are, that I give every single person a chance to speak their mind. As long as they are not hostile and out to harm me! Regardless of ideals, world views and whatever else. I will give everyone a chance. And I do mean EVERYONE! No matter who they are, what they did or what they think and feel. I can disagree with something. But I will still respect it! I don't trust news or any third-party. I always have to see things for myself. And more importantly, I want to hear from the other side directly. Hear what they have to say, with my own ears! Hear their side of a story, before passing judgment. If I just hear from a person or an event on the news or any third-party and am asked about my thoughts... Then my answer will always be this: "I don't know that person/I haven't been there. So I can't judge!" And right now, you may think of it as a noble mindset. But the instant I apply this to a group or an individual, that is hated by everyone on this planet, I am suddenly seen as a "Monster". Like I said, I will give everyone a chance, who isn't hostile to me or out to harm me... "INCLUDING Trump, Nazis or Islams..." Now what do you think, if I add that half-sentence? Do you still think my mindset is noble? Or do you suddenly see me as something else entirely, just because I'd give even the most hated individuals a chance to speak their mind? Have I changed from a "noble, understanding person", into an "irredeemable monster of a man" for you, because I added that?! Even though it doesn't change anything from what I originally said? I live by the mantra: Live and let be! I respect any person, that isn't hostile to me, even if I disagree with their feelings, ideals or world views. To me, that is no reason to reject one another. We are all human! Flawed and imperfect beings. And we should thrive together and not oppose each other, just because we think and feel differently. Unfortunately, it appears that this is just not possible. Relationships between people are like a walk through a minefield. And if you happen to set a mine off, even the strongest friendship is blown to pieces! The instant a subject is reached, where one side doesn't accept any difference in views from anyone, people will start to hate each other. There is that one subject... One theme that anyone is obstinate and prejudice about. We condemn people who think differently about that subject. We are prejudice. Assume the worst of the other side, thinking of them as an enemy! All without giving anyone from that side even the chance to speak up. Turning a deaf ear on whatever they have to say to the contrary. And when our friends turn out to have a mindset like these "enemies", we start to hate them, shun them away. Being together with a "person like that" is completely unacceptable to us, rendering years of strong friendship completely void. And I find it sad and petty, that people are like this... And that is the problem I have with society, everyone growing up with a set world view and ideals. And as a result, never willing to accept anything or anyone with different values. Sometimes even resorting to violence, thinking people with these values shouldn't exist... We are nice and understanding, but only towards people that suit our values. The instant we meet a person, that is having thoughts and feelings considered "unacceptable" to us, we become obstinate, hostile, violent, driving that "monster" out. Not even trying to understand their feelings and thoughts. Never willing to step out of our "comfort zone", trying to take a step outside and exploring the unknown... If more people were to do the latter, then I am sure people could get along with each other much better. But alas, our ignorance, arrogance and obstination, largely prevents this from happening. We have a set view on people and the world. And we are obstinate about it, never willing to accept any dissenting views. Of course, there are subjects like "Trump" or "Nazis". These are undoubtly questionable. I can understand why people are prejudice towards these people. But I would still give them a chance to let them tell their side of the story, before I pass judgment. But people are like this, over even more petty reasons. I like video games. So I am part of the video game community. And the things people argue and fight about here, are outright petty and meaningless. For example "Canon vs Non-Canon (and Fanon)". People constantly argue about this. But what's the point? By the end of the day: It's all fictional media! Or "Competitive vs Casual". Also a meaningless topic the argue about. IMO video games should never be taken so seriously, as if your life depends on them. But that's what people do. And as a result competitive players tend to completely think of casuals as worthless trash. Heck, I had a competitive person raging at me, because I asked her if she wanted to join a casual group. Now she hates me... Seriously, people start hating each other and being prejudice about one another, over the most petty reasons these days. Another thing I hate about society, is them "crafting truths" based on assumptions. What do I mean by that? People always think. And if there are any unknown factors, they try and make their own explanations, to fill the holes. And very often, I could see people believing their own thoughts like they were the truth. For example: One day during my apprenticeship, my dickhead of a boss, assumed I was on the toilet for half an hour and threatened to fire me. While in actuality, I was cleaning a machine the whole time. But I was at a blind spot for most of the time, so he couldn't see me. But when I tried to explain that, he immediately shut me up, not even wanting to hear what I have to say to this matter, believing what he thinks is what actually happened. He was wrong, but he believed in the "truth" he made up for himself there. And this is what I always see people doing. People assuming and then these assumptions mutate, making people think they are actually "the truth". Even though they can't know for sure, but they believe they do. Take "religion" as an example: There are people that believe god existing is the "truth" to such an extent, that they murder and commit crimes "in gods name". Even though they can't possibly know for sure that he exists, let alone that this is truly his will... (Which I doubt...) I think it ultimately comes down to one "drug": Dominace! Feeling dominant over a hated adversary. The enemy being under your foot... It feels good! Very good! As for me: I accepted that I am an imperfect being, full of rough edges. I am fallible and very prone to mistakes. I embrace my imperfection and make the most out of it. I don't know a lot. And I don't claim our race is above all else in the universe. And I always consider that everything I know could turn out to be a lie, at any point. Heck, I think Dolphins are more intelligent than we are. At least they live in unity with their own kind, from what I have seen. And don't let petty rivalries and differences shatter that unity. I see everyone being just an imperfect as I am. But at the same time, I also see everyone as an individual. Everyone is different and it's fine to be different from everyone else. As long as we respect one another and let others have their believes and world views, then we can live together in peace. Or like Big Boss said in Metal Gear Solid 4: "It's about respecting the will of others... And believing in your own!" It's just sad how impossible that is. People will always find reasons to demonize others and tear relationships apart. Making up truths to live convenient lives, often at the expense of "unwanted" people's lives and feelings. And living in arrogance, thinking they know everything, when they can't. Living lies and not accepting truths that are inconvenient for them. Fortunately, there still are people who at least somewhat realize this and accept what other people think and feel, even if they disagree. Respecting their will and feelings and still willing to accept them as friends, despite their differences in ideals and feelings. It's sad to see that there are not many of these to be found. At least on the internet. They are more common in real life for me. But still few and far between. And that's all I can say. I have to let this one out. Sorry to waste your time. See you around!