#very proud of reading 40 books this year!

[its-tortle]

june 4th and i've read 25 novels!!!

[fuckyeahisawthat]

There are so many places in the Villeneuve Dune adaptations where he just...takes all the narrative pieces that Frank Herbert laid out and subtly rearranges them into something that tells the story better--that creates dramatic tension where you need it, communicates the themes and message of the book more clearly, or corrects something in the text that contradicts or undermines what Herbert said he was trying to say.

The fedaykin are probably my favorite example of this. I just re-read a little part of the book and got smacked in the face with how different they are.

(under the cut for book spoilers and length)

The fedaykin in the book are Paul's personal followers, sort of his personal guard. They show up after his legend has already started growing (the word doesn't appear in the book until chapter 40) and they are people who have specifically dedicated themselves to fighting for him, and right from the moment they're introduced there is a kind of implied fanaticism to their militancy that's a bit uncomfortable to read. They're the most ardent believers in Paul's messianic status and willing to die for him. (They are also, as far as you can tell from the text, all men.)

In the book, as far as I can remember (I could be forgetting some small detail but I don't think so) there is no mention of armed resistance to colonialism on Arrakis before Paul shows up. As far as we know, he created it. ETA: Okay I actually went back and checked on this and while we hear about the Fremen being "a thorn in the side" of the Harkonnens and we know that they are good fighters, we don't see anything other than possibly one bit of industrial sabotage. The book is very clear that the organized military force we see in the second half was armed and trained by Paul. This is exacerbated by the two-year time jump in the book, which means we never see how Paul goes from being a newly deposed ex-colonial overlord running for his life to someone who has his own private militia of people ready to give their lives for him.

The movie completely flips all these dynamics on their head in ways that add up to a radical change in meaning.

The fedaykin in the movie are an already-existing guerrilla resistance movement on Arrakis that formed long before Paul showed up. Literally the first thing we learn about the Fremen, less that two minutes into the first movie, is that they are fighting back against the colonization and exploitation of their home and have been for decades.

The movie fedaykin also start out being the most skeptical of the prophecy about Paul, which is a great choice from both a political and a character standpoint. Of course they're skeptical. If you're part of a small guerrilla force repeatedly going up against a much bigger and stronger imperial army...you have to believe in your own agency. You have to believe that it is possible to win, and that this tiny little chip in the armor of a giant terrifying military machine that you are making right now will make a difference in the end. These are the people who are directly on the front lines of resisting oppression. They are doing it with their own sweat, blood and ingenuity, and they are not about to wait around for some messiah who may never come.

From a character standpoint, this is really the best possible environment you could put Paul Atreides in if you want to keep him humble. He doesn't get any automatic respect handed to him due to title or birthright or religious belief. He has to prove himself--not as any kind of savior but as a good fighter and a reliable member of a collective political project. And he does. This is an environment that really draws out his best qualities. He's a skilled fighter; he's brave (sometimes recklessly so); he's intensely loyal to and protective of people he cares about. He is not too proud to learn from others and work hard in an egalitarian environment where he gets no special treatment or extra glory. The longer he spends with the fedaykin the more his allegiance shifts from Atreides to Fremen, and the more skeptical he himself becomes about the prophecy. This sets up the conflict with Jessica, which comes to a head before she leaves for the south. And his political sincerity--that he genuinely comes to believe that these people deserve liberation from all colonial forces and his only role should be to help where he can--is what makes the tragedy work. Because in the end we know he will betray all these values and become the exact thing he said he didn't want to be.

There's another layer of meaning to all this that I don't know if the filmmakers were even aware of. ETA: rescinding my doubt cause based on some of Villeneuve's other projects I'm pretty sure he could work it out. Given the time period (1960s) and Herbert's propensity for using Arabic or Arabic-inspired words for aspects of Fremen culture, it seems very likely that the made-up word fedaykin was taken from fedayeen, a real Arabic word that was frequently used untranslated in American news media at the time, usually to refer to Palestinian armed resistance groups.

Fedayeen is usually translated into English as fighter, guerrilla, militant or something similar. The translation of fedaykin that Herbert provides in Dune is "death commando"...which is a whole bucket of yikes in my opinion, but it's not entirely absurd if we're assuming that this fake word and the real word fedayeen function in the same way. A more literal translation of fedayeen is "self-sacrificer," as in willing, intentional self-sacrifice for a political cause, up to and including sacrificing your life.

If you apply this logic to Dune, it means that Villeneuve has actually shifted the meaning of this word in-universe, from fighters who are willing to sacrifice themselves for Paul to fighters who are willing to sacrifice themselves for their people. And the fedaykin are no longer a group created for Paul but a group that Paul counts himself as part of, one member among equals. Which is just WILDLY different from what's in the book. And so much better in my opinion.

[abbysbunny]

puhlease PLEASE a hazel callahan fic takşng place after the movie when hazel thought the kiss was special but PJ is treating her the same so hazel tries to make PJ jealous with y/n but they actually start having feelings (at first passionate) towards each other????????

FEELING'S AREN'T FAKE

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plot: fake dating never works but sometimes it does just in different ways

warnings: light angst, nothing too serious, r is a cheerleader but that doesn't really affect the story!

word count: 1.8k

notes: sorry this took so long to get out but I'm a little burnt out rn! hope you like this anon🫶🏼

--------------------------------------------------

after hazel and PJs kiss, hazel thought that something was there, she tried hanging out more with PJ, but she would just pushed away and end up getting hurt. one lonely night hazel had the bright idea that maybe she could try and make PJ jealous, of course it was a dumb idea but at this point it was all she had.

she opened your contact and sent you a short message proposing the plan

'hey I know it's late but I'm trying to make PJ jealous so I was thinking we could fake date for a while, you down?'

of course she rewrote the message a couple times but when she got it down she nervously pressed send. a half hour later she got your confirmation

'sure, make it simple please I don't wanna waste too much if me time on this'

she smiled at your message excited for tomorrow, trying to go to bed all she could think about was PJ, how she would finally get to be with her, after years of waiting.

you sat on your bed and typed on your computer trying to finish up an essay do tomorrow, but you kept getting distracted by the thought of fake dating hazel, after a long 40 minutes of homework you closed your computer and put on some comfortable clothes. laying in bed you turned over and shut your eyes all of your thoughts just being about hazel

you walked onto school campus and saw hazel sitting on a bench reading something in a small book, 'i wonder what she's reading' you furrowed your brows and started walked over to her, 'hey!' you shouted to her, she quickly looked up and waved at you, you sat down next to her and she closed her little book, 'whatcha reading?' you questioned, 'uhm...she drives me crazy' you nodded, 'okay so what's the plan stan' she chuckled at your lame attempt of a joke and turned her head to you.

'so were just gonna act like we're dating, so hug and flirt and hold hands, all that gross shit, and hopefully PJ will get jealous' she said with a look on her face insinuating she was a very proud of her plan, you nodded and stood back up, 'sounds great to me, I gotta get to class so I'll see you later' you waved and grabbed your bag, 'wait!' hazel said a little too loud, you perked your head up at her, 'shouldn't we go in...together?' she suggested in a nervous tone

'oh shit yeah you're right' you stuck out your hand for her to grab on to, she took your hand and you started walking side by side, you entered the hall and people already turned they're heads to look at you two, I mean it is pretty weird seeing a cheerleader and a total nobody date, you got to hazel's locker and you leaned against against the a near wall, out of the corner of your eyes you saw PJ and Josie walking towards you

'pj and Josie are coming over here' you whispered to hazel, she turned around and shut her locker, a couple seconds later they stood right in front of you, the weird thing is that you had never actually talked to them, so now that you "dating" they're friend you would have to, talking to the girl your crush fake girlfriend is in love with was not on your bucket list. as they started talking you zoned out mid conversation, they talk about such boring stuff, how were you supposed to keep up?

next thing you heard was the loud bell ring, you saw that they had left and now it was just you and hazel, and of course the swarm of students late to class. hazel unexpectedly grabbed your hand and led you through the crowd, you both got to class in time, kinda. the boring school hours past by fast and as soon as you knew it was lunch, you thought you would sit down with your friends like you do everyday, but that was before you were pulled to a table in the corner of the cafeteria with hazel and the rest of the fight club.

as they talked you felt hazel's hand snake around your waist, you felt you face get hot but you continued eating, after an excruciating hour of listening to them talk as hazel moved her hand from your waist, to hips your to shoulder to your thigh, it was finally time to leave you packed everything up and sped out of the cafeteria, hazel catched up to you and walked with you out of school. you both sat down at the same bench from this morning

'so did I do good as a fake girlfriend?' she questioned with a cocky grin on her face, you rolled your eyes and turned your head to face her, sure having her as your fake girlfriend was gonna be nice but what if you catched even more feelings? what if her and PJ actually get together and you're just left alone again. 'you did pretty good' you said leaning against the back of the bench, you smiled and immediately started talking about the rest of the plan.

it has been 2 weeks of the fake dating and it really seemed like PJ didn't care, but tonight there was a big party at Isabel's, hazel thought it was perfect opportunity to make PJ "jealous". you decided to get ready together like a cute couple,hazel wore some simple baggy jeans and a white t-shirt, she almost looked like a frat guy, you chose what you usually wear to party's, nothing to flashy but nothing too simple.

when you got there it was loud and already smelled like BO and alcohol, you sat down on a couch with hazel by your side, she put her arm around your shoulder and you stiffed up, still not used to her touch. almost the whole party you say right there, getting up a couple time's to go to the bathroom, when the party died down, Isabel came out from the kitchen with an empty beer bottle, 'what are we 12!' PJ shouted, you chuckled and sat down next to Josie I'm the big circle of people

Isabel spinned the bottle and it landed on Josie, you could see Isabel blush and Josie had a nervous look on her face as they entered the small downstairs bathroom, after was felt like a life time someone yelled, 'seven minutes is up' you heard the door unlock before Isabel came out with a very visible hickey on her neck, some people gasped and others laughed, they sat back down and now it was Pj's turn, she spinned the empty bottle and it landed on, hazel.

hazel tired to hide her smile and she looked over to you, 'aren't you guys dating?' PJ looked at hazel then you, you opened your mouth to say maybe it was better if she re spinned, but before you could hazel spoke up, 'no it's okay, I mean it's just a dumb kids game right?' hazel looked at you trying to indicate that she really wanted to do this, you looked at the ground for a second before agreeing with her, some guy patted your shoulder and called you a 'chill girlfriend' you let out your best fake laugh and put your knees to your chest

meanwhile the scene of hazel and PJ in the bathroom was to say the least very awkward, 'so do we kiss?' hazel anxiously asked, PJ nodded and moved closer to her trying to make things more natural, hazel cupped PJs face and brought her lips to hers, she finally kissed PJ, after years of waiting she finally did it and she felt, nothing. absolutely nothing, she bearly even kissed back, you got up and told your friends you needed a drink and somehow they believed you, you walked into the kitchen grabbed your purse and left that god awful party, you didn't even think about saying goodbye because if you did you would have to watch them come out of that bathroom and see the start of they're relationship

hazel unlocked the door early and people were confused, 'you have to do seven minutes not three!' Sylvie shouted and people agreed, hazel noticed you weren't there and got worried, 'c'mon guys we're not middle schoolers and where's my girlfriend?' she shouted back, 'oh I think she left' some guy slurred clearly intoxicated, hazel grabbed her phone and said goodbye to everyone and that she was going to find you. what she didn't know was that you were already home by the time she had left, she urgently called you trying to understand where you were so you could talk

after 5 missed calls you finally picked up, 'where are you?' she said through the phone, 'home' you responded dryly, she let out a sigh of relief and started walking to your house still on the phone with you, 'why did you leave?' you thought about actually telling her why but the you remembered you actually dating, 'i was tired' she scoffed as she finally saw your house through the dark, 'open your front door please' she stood waiting impatiently for you, 'are you outside my house?'

you said walking down your stairs, 'yes just please open up it's cold' she hung up, you put your phone down and opened up your front door, you looked hazel up and down and saw no hickey, weird. you moved from the door and she stepped in, she shut the door behind her, you quickly grabbed her hand and took her to your room, she had never actually been in your room, you had been at her house but she'd never been to yours, you closed the door and say down on your bed next to her

'so why do you wanna talk haze?' she sighed and looked you straight in your eyes, 'i don't think I like PJ' she confessed, your eyes widened, had you done this whole plan for nothing, had you hurt yourself...for nothing? 'okay then who do you like? I'm not going to go through this plan another time just with a different person, I really hope you know that' you said in a frustrated tone, she moved closer to you and put her hand on your thigh, 'what the fuck was she doing?' you questioned to yourself

she just responded by crashing her lips with yours, at first you were taken aback, very taken aback, but then you felt how soft her lips were and how passionate and pure this moment was, you quickly kissed back and moved yourself closer to her, she dragged out the kiss for a couple more seconds before pulled away. you couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation, she laughed with you and pulled you into a tight hug.

'i love you' she mumbled into your shoulder, you sighed and kissed the side her neck, 'i love you too' you mumbled back.

[topsyturvy-turtely]

turtely's OTP challenge

read day 23 "The Beekeeper and The Book Author" on ao3!

(prompt: being old together)

summary: Beautiful. Quiet. Nice.

Gen, 360 Words, Retirement. John Watson's blog, Fluff.

✨imagine this little baby but 40 years older✨

or read it on tumblr:

✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑

Dear readers,

This will be my very last blog entry. I don’t even know if you young people still read ‘blog entries’ – this is for the people who have followed my blog from years ago, really. Maybe this will be a nice surprise for you.

Here is a little update on our life: Sherlock and I married in the year of 2024. It was a beautiful ceremony, small but meaningful. Not many people – neither of us ever really was a ‘people person’.

We continued our detective work until Sherlock turned 67 years old. I don’t really know how we managed with little Rosie, but we did. She turned out to be one of the most intelligent scientists in Britain and both of us are extremely proud of her.

After Sherlock finally retired we moved to a cottage in the countryside. It is beautiful here. Quiet. Nice. Words, the young Sherlock Holmes would have despised. Let me tell you now, that this man has the softest and biggest heart, you could imagine. He always has had it, he just didn’t show – to protect himself, I believe.

I am getting side tracked… Sherlock is a beekeeper now. He loves bees as if they were his own children. Puts all his research into bees as well. Even sells honey, my old boy. I am proud of him. Really, I am.

Skdico ,kjdkojoaoooooooooppposipoi

I apologise, I got distracted by a white haired and bearded (oh, yes he wears a beard now – I quite like it…) cat purring into my ear. He told me to mention my books. So, I will because otherwise this gorgeous lfjklalaaaa

Where were we? Oh, yes my books. What is there to say? I turned my blog into a book. Book series, really. You can buy the books on Amazon – just search for “Sherlock Holmes Books” and they will be suggested. It’s funny, they sell as if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had written them himself. Which of course, he didn’t, they are all written by ordinary old me, Dr. John Watson.

So this is us. Retired consulting detective and doctor, now beekeeper and book author.

It is beautiful. Quiet. Nice.

✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑✒︎✑

comment on ao3!

tags under the cut :)

tag list! (tell me if you wanna be added or removed please 💚) @justanobsessedpan @helloliriels @catlock-holmes @inevitably-johnlocked @rhasima @forfucksakejohn @ohlooktheresabee @turbulenttrouble @so-youre-unattached-like-me @totallysilvergirl @peanitbear @train-mossman @loki-lock @smulderscobie @timberva @grace-in-the-wilderness @chinike @jawnn-watson @whatnext2020 @escapingthereality @missdeliadili @kettykika78 @musingsofmyown @7-percent @speedymoviesbyscience @astudyin221b @francj15 @ladylindaaa @we-r-loonies @mxster-jocale @sherlockcorner @noahspector @our-stars-graveside @jobooksncoffee @baker-street-blog @macgyvershe @myladylyssa @battledress @a-victorian-girl @dreamerofthemeadow @oetkb12 @ohnoesnotagain @mutedsilence @jawnscoffee @raenchaosandcozyadashofmurder @lisbeth-kk @quickslvxrr @compact-and-beautiful @kabubsmagga @sunshineinyourmind @booksoversleep @startrekker2011

[hopplessilse]

Instagram search

Insta!Joel x Fem! reader

Serie Masterlist

Summary: Your life is so routine that there is nothing that makes you want to continue. The universe is with you and illuminates you with a profile that catches your eye. Just press the follow button and your life takes a turn. (no outbreak, no use of y/n).

Rating: 18+explicit (minors dni)

Words count: 2.8k

Warnings: age difference (Joel in late 40's, reader in early 20's), reader is virgin, flirting, f! masturbation, lonely/jelousy thoughts, need for attention/validation masculine, divorced parents.

You were lying on your bed, after a shower you felt calm and clean. There was background music in your room, through a small speaker that was on your dresser, you were on your cell phone scrolling through Instagram posts. Normally you spent your time reading on some social network or sometimes you gave yourself the chance to read the books that rest on your furniture.

Your life had become so routine, you felt it simple, there was no spark of emotion, there was nothing that made you want to be another day, you lived the days without any change, the only thing that made your routine different was doing activities that you liked , like your hobbies, that you stopped doing for a while until you felt motivated to do them.

You had started to write, something you had wanted to do since you started reading since you were 12 years old, but like everything, you only wrote when you had the inspiration to do it, you didn't like writing for the sake of writing, you wanted a story that was good, that could transmit something like those you've read before, that make your skin crawl, your body tense by the character's words, shed the occasional tear of happiness, sadness or anguish.

You kept scrolling until you found a photo that seemed to be a landscape, you clicked on the publication and smiled when you saw the photo, it was a landscape in the forest, the pines and trees outlined the banks of the river, rocks in the middle of it where small waves formed and passed over them, the sun with the morning light, so warm and golden that it reflected so beautifully in the river. You scrolled to the second photo where the same landscape was there, but this time a man was in the photo, he was sitting on a rock in front of the river, his back was to the camera. It was a very beautiful photo.

You decided to enter the profile, Joel Miller, read in his biography and under it it read 'contractor'and under this 'proud dad', looking at the profile you realized that he did not have many photos, there were only 5 publications, one of them referring to his work , another one was made of carved wood, another of a guitar and there was another one that caught your attention more, a polaroid, where you could see a young girl kissing on the cheek who you thought was the same man of the photo of the river, when you read the description it had the caption 'I love you girl' you smiled when you read that, you assumed at that moment that that girl was his daughter, if not more.

He looked old, you guessed he was about thirty or forty-something. You found it attractive, the photo didn't look great but you could see that it was, he had a beard, a bit, short hair, you didn't know what color it was since the photo had a purple color, one eye was half open while the other was closed . You didn't think much and hit the follow button, you weren't planning to do anything, you just found it interesting, you hadn't seen anyone his age have an Instagram, not even your favorite actors had, curiosity won you over. You just left Instagram and left your cell phone on your nightstand, a long sigh left your lips.

You woke up when you heard noise on the ground floor, when you opened your eyes you closed them with a slam since the sun was hitting your face directly, you turned around and saw the time on the clock that rested on your nightstand next to your cell phone, it was 11:14 in the morning, you sighed and got up.

You knew that your mom was going to blame you for that

You showered and got ready, you couldn't stop thinking that tomorrow you would go back to university. All vacations you had a terrible schedule that you did not know how the hell you were going to wake up at 5:00 am, although you do not regret it, those nights reading helped you survive the boring summer you had.

When you went downstairs you saw your mom at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

"Until you wake up" she said looking at you out of the corner of his eye while drinking his coffee

"sorry" you looked at her resting your hands on the edges of the chair "is there something for breakfast?"

"No, I'm waiting for you to accompany me to the market to buy"

"Mom" you complained while you were going to put on your shoes

“you know how this is”

"Why doesn't Louis come with you?" your voice sounded at the bottom of the stairs while you were already going down with your shoes on "he never accompanies you"

"Because he doesn't like it" she got up and put her cup in the sink "let me go for the money" she disappeared up the stairs.

We were in the meat section, my mom was going to buy some wings, ground beef and ribs, to have at home. What my mom said was true, I like coming to the supermarket, I honestly enjoy doing things for ladies, it relaxes me a lot and I enjoy it and even more if it's with my mom.

"Have you already told your father to pay the re-enrollment fee for the university?" my mom told me while looking at tomato sauces

"Yeah, I told you a few days ago"

"You'd better remember him, since he forgets everything"

"yep, when I get home I'll send him a message"

You turned around just to look at the section in front and you noticed that a man was looking at you, and not in the best way, honestly it disgusted you.

"You already have everything for school" your mom told you, leaving a sauce in the cart

"I'm just missing the folder"

"let's choose one then"

.............

"Wash your hands so you can help me with the food!" your mom screamed from the ground floor

“yes mom!” you yelled back walking into your room

You were already used to wearing socks at home, or failing that, wearing flip-flops or slippers. You took off your shoes, throwing them somewhere in your room, you looked at your cell phone on your nightstand and suddenly you remembered….

Shit!

You quickly grabbed your phone and sat on your bed unlocking it, you saw that you had messages and notifications from various applications, but you saw you had only 1 from Instagram.

Joel Miller has followed you back

"Aaah!!!" you couldn't help but scream with emotion covering your mouth at the end to silence your screams

"OMG, don't fuck with me" you whispered to yourself

Your door opened suddenly, in the frame holding the door lock was your brother.

"why are you screaming?"

"For nothing that interests you" you said raising your eyebrows at the pair

You saw him disappear without letting out a snort on his part, you just looked at your cell phone smiling at the notification, you didn't know why a random man was making you smile so much... well, he was very attractive, older and when you saw the ones he was following, you knew that He was not the type to follow anyone he saw, you assumed that you were an exception, an exception that perhaps caught his attention like he did to you.

You went down with your cell phone in hand and a smile from ear to ear, you had your day made with just that notification and knowing that he would see all the things you upload from now on.

You helped your mother to prepare the food, you made a pasta with ground beef and cheddar cheese, take your cell phone and take a photo to upload it to the story, your mother called your brother to come down to eat. While you were at the table, your mom and your brother were talking about college and their plans after graduation, you just listened to the conversation and said a few things to give your opinion.

You couldn't believe that he was already going to graduate, after so many years studying, and you...entering your third year of university, you still had a long way to go since your degree was 9 semesters, 4 and a half years of degree,you could not wait for the time to graduate, but you had no idea what path you would take in your professional life.

When you finished, you left your plate in the sink and went to your room to prepare your supplies for the university, which consisted of a folder, your case, a small bag where you had feminine hygiene items, disinfectant gel, your balm, some garters for hair and a mirror.

At the end you couldn't help but take your cell phone and look at the views of your story. Some of your followers gave it a heart, but the person you were waiting for had only seen it, no reaction or response.

What did you expect, you moron, he was going to answer a story about a pasta! (you said to yourself mentally)

"I need a soda" you said to yourself

You went back down to the kitchen, poured yourself a glass of coke, and the front door rang.

"I'm going" you went to the door, when you opened it you found your dad smiling

"daughter" he greet you while hugging you

"dad" you hugged him back

"and your mom" came in and sat in the living room

Every time someone invokes her, it doesn't take long for her to appear

"What happened" your mom came out of the hallway to sit across from your dad in the living room

"I have to talk to you"

"Don't tell me you won't be able to pay your daughter's tuition" my mom said angrily

"No" he said irritated "it's something else your children should know too" he looked at your mother more seriously

it couldn't be anything good, every time they talk they always end up fighting, whatever you know won't end well

"speak" she sighed and your brother appeared on the stairs standing still

I'll spare you the details.

Basically in short, my dad will have a child… yes, with someone else. what a fuck

My parents have been separated since I was 8 years old, for as long as I can remember and as far as I can remember, they have always fought, they have not been able to have a calm conversation, only long after they divorced. The arguments always had another person involved, or they complained about how they were with each other and their attitudes. I honestly don't remember a time when my dad was affectionate with my mom or she with him.

They have always put us first, they separated because theirs was no longer working and they were not going to drag their children into it, although I was left with some traumas. It took a long time to know what my dad was like, I always had a good image of him, I love him because he is a good dad, maybe like a husband never was.

Anyway, the obvious news didn't sit well with me, or with my brother. My mom just limited herself to giving him advice, obviously she didn't care how much he did in his private life but they knew they could count on each other.

He stayed until it started to get dark, we spent the afternoon talking, many topics came up.

When I finished dinner my dad left, I got ready to go to my room and take a bath.

Whenever I took a bath I put on music, relaxed and had a good time in the shower. When I left I did my daily skin care routine, I put on combing cream, I put on cream and brushed my teeth. For this it was already 9:25 pm I wasn't sleepy at all, so I only watched videos to make me sleepy.

You won't believe me but… I can't sleep

It was already 11 o'clock and I couldn't fall asleep, and above all this I couldn't stop thinking that my dad would be a dad again, with another woman. A woman I knew a long time ago, but that's another story.

I couldn't stop thinking that i would no longer be his little daughter, the one who was always attached to him, now there would be another person who would take up space in his heart, I'm jealous that's the truth, jealous of someone who hasn't even been born. My dad is the only masculine energy that gives me attention, the only man I like to hug, the only one I laugh with non-stop.

Fuck this.

You grabbed your phone and went to Instagram, you didn't think twice and looked up Joel's profile, you hit the message button and without hesitation you started writing.

Hi :)

You hit send and your heart began to jump with nerves, it's done, you've sent a message to the beautiful man who could probably make your days different.

Your cell phone vibrated in your hand, you quickly saw the message

Hey

The truth is that you thought he was not going to answer you.

How are you?

You bit your lip from nerves, what the fuck am i supposed to talk to him. You saw the bubble appear and then the message appeared

Not so bad, how' s your night darlin?

It's a joke! He call me darlin.

You felt your cheeks burn and you couldn't help but smile

Not as good as I'd like, but I'm better now

Problems with boys?

No, rather the correct word would be dad

Oh sorry honey I guess dads ain't easy

Not at all, hey..

What's up

I really liked your photo of the river, it looks like a beautiful place

Thank you, if it is

where are you from, sweetheart?

from austin

And you've never gone further?

No

It's too bad, you should go, someone should take you

Was it being offered?

Could you be the one to take me, I mean, since you've already been to that place

how old are you sweetheart?

21

Shit you're so young

Can't you with that?

A little laugh left your lips

HA you don't know what you're saying honey

You bit your lip as you felt a chill run down your legs, you were thinking about what to write until another message appeared on the screen

I'm too old for you

Shit! Shit! Shit! As much as I like to hear that, the memory of being a virgin invades me more and more frustrating me. But…he shouldn't know, not for now

How old?

27 years older, do you think you can handle that?

Yes, you can teach me some things

Your hand went to the edge of your pajama shorts, slowly inserting your hand.

Yeah…what kind of things honey

You were going to answer when your door suddenly opened making you jump and take your hands out of your shorts. again it was your brother

"you scared me idiot" you put both hands on your chest and the cell phone under them

"what are you doing?" he said as he entered the room and looked at himself in the mirror

"nothing" you stared at him

"you know there's a mirror in the bathroom, right?"

“your room has better light, and the mirror is bigger”

He always did that, he always entered your room as if it were his, without warning, without asking, nothing. But when you entered his he would question you and get angry.

You threw a stuffed animal at him and he turned around with a frown

"Can you leave please" you said through your teeth

"How heavy you are" was the last thing he said before leaving and closing your door

You looked at the last message Joel had sent you, you didn't know what to reply, you didn't know whether to say daring things, act submissive, be more shy or just change the subject.

Hey, I have to go to sleep, tomorrow I'm going to the university

You were afraid for some reason for his answer

Sure darlin, don't worry, rest

Good night

You waited for him to send you another message but he didn't. I knew it wasn't a good idea to cut it like that.

You were in need of male attention, the little he gave you made you put your hands in your panties, you touched yourself again and oh surprise, you were wet.

You didn't like having to suffer, you didn't like being left wanting, so you did what you do best, you touch yourself. You tried to stay as quiet as possible since your brother's room was next to yours, you started soft but you couldn't stop thinking about Joel, how handsome he looked in the photo, you imagined how good he would be to you, telling you sweetheart, you thought if he would make you cum faster than you did yourself.

His hands around your hips, your breasts, your neck, your mouth silencing your moans. How would his fingers be, thin, long or thick. How his arms would feel around you, his hair around them, how strong they were, his veins….

"Shit," you breathed out, closing your lip tight.

You let out little whimpers, some of them stuck in your throat so as not to make so much noise, you were so close, just imagining it finished you, you threw your head back, squeezing the pillows under it while your hips arched from friction.

I need him to fuck me urgently.

I think in the end, they were right, we virgins are dirtier.

[trungles]

Hello, long time follower just on other platforms and I love your work. I am currently getting my Masters in Comics and Graphic Novels, and do tell me if this an inappropriate question but how much do you make? Like a month doing comics and art? Also what do you do on a day to day basis? I'm worried about my future after I graduate.

Thank you so much! This is a great question, and I wish more people would be candid about answering it because I'd like creators to demand more money. This will be a very long post! Keep reading if you're interested. MASSIVE info dump below.

I think earnings in comics and books can look wildly different for almost every creator, and it depends on a lot of things. With that in mind, I make a slightly different amount every year. I view my finances mostly through page rates, contracted projects, and passive-ish income. Because I'm terrible at math, I'm just going to tell you how much I make per contracted projects, plus some relevant information in terms of Life Stuff. This will be very long, and I will highlight some important details that people maybe don't like to talk about very much.

Please also bear in mind that I live in Minnesota, away from all my major publishers and editors who are situated on the coasts, so my cost of living is much more manageable.

Background: Building a Foundation (2012-2018)

I graduated from college in 2012 and lived with my parents until 2018. I did not have to pay rent or worry about food, so I got to save up a lot of money to invest in developing as an artist–paying for printing zines, making merch, travel to conventions, table costs, and secure hotel accommodations. This helped enormously, and I would not have been able to spend six years developing my portfolio and connecting with comics peers and professionals without my parents. They were very supportive, even if they had no idea that I was developing professionally as an artist (LOL, they're very proud of me now, but they truly just thought I was being a weird internet gremlin the whole time). They're also not wealthy people by any means. My parents immigrated to the US in their 20s as refugees with absolutely no money and one baby (it me, I am the baby), but they each became pretty successful small-business owners in their own right and were able to help put me through school with minimal debt, even through the financial crisis in the late aughts.

I started making art in 2012-ish as well, but only semi-professionally, and barely on purpose. I was employed full-time in a non-art job between 2013 and 2018 at a local non-profit that specialized in pediatric therapy. I occupied a role as their front office person/corporate assistant. I made about 40k a year at that job, with benefits, and I made a negligible amount of money doing art and making comics. I should also note that throughout this time, I was working 40 hours a week at my day job, commuting between 2-4 hours a day depending on the weather (my commute was an hour for each direction in good weather and up to three hours if it snowed), and then working on comics for 3-4 hours in the evening, every evening. This meant that I would frequently be working anywhere between 65-85 hours a week for five years, and I do not recommend this! I burned out pretty bad! I didn't go to art school or learn about comics, either, so I felt like I had to spend time building my portfolio to make up for lost time. I didn't even know I wanted to make comics until maybe two years after I graduated from undergrad.

I did manage to build a nice portfolio and connect with people who were making the sort of work I liked to make, so the portfolio-building did help. I posted regularly online in different platforms and steadily grew an audience over the years via Tumblr (heyyy!) Instagram (which I personally loathe), Patreon (stressful, but necessary and also getting more comfortable to use!), and Twitter (which I have very mixed feelings about, but I'll miss it if it dies). I did a few short comics with writers whose work I admired. The Fresh Romance Anthology in 2015 was my first major published work, and it was with writer Marguerite Bennett, who remains one of my absolute favorite people. I was so inexperienced at the time, and she would check in with me to make sure I got paid for my work, and then she would follow up with everyone responsible if I was not properly compensated. Not everybody is this on-the-ball about making sure their colleagues are treated well, and she absolutely set the bar for me going forward.

Doing It For Real + Some Numbers (2018-2021)

In 2018, I put together a pitch document for The Magic Fish (if you'd like to see my pitch document, here is a Dropbox link to it! It's just a book report for a book that doesn't exist yet, and I hope you find it helpful if you need it), shopped around for an agent, and found one I'm very happy with (Kate McKean at Morhaim! She's amazing! She runs a newsletter where she gives you the lowdown on how the publishing industry works, so if you're interested in Books, you can check out her writing over at Agents and Books). Then my agent shopped the pitch around to editors and publishers, and Random House Graphic won out. Also, every time she negotiates a contract for me in my home market (the US), she gets 15% cut, which is entirely worth it to me. She does so much. It's incredible.

Random House Graphic's offer wound up being for two books at $45k each, with pretty standard royalty rates, I think around 10% in general, though there are stipulations around royalties that I can't remember off the top of my head (and also bear in mind that you do not earn royalties until your book sales have earned out your advance, and not all published books earn out). To me, this is a lot of money! BUT the graphic novel took two full years to make, so that $45k needed to last me until 2020, which is not livable if you're on you're own. Also, the advance is paid out in chunks at certain milestones of project completion. I'd get a few thousand at a time for the script, another few for the thumbnails, more for the inks, and on and on until the book is done. I would not start to get paid for the second book until I started working on it.

Earlier in 2018, I'd moved in with my partner, so we managed paying the bills and groceries together. Luckily for me, I had also completed a full tarot deck as a separate personal art project to help build my confidence as an illustrator, and my agent sold the tarot deck project (The Star Spinner Tarot) to a different publisher for a $15k advance, so I had some extra wiggle room in 2018. I quit my day job because this was a rare instance in which a book deal provided me with enough money to live on making art, with the caveat that I shared financial responsibilities with my partner. By this time, my Patreon, which I started back in 2015 I think, was also earning anywhere between $800-$1000 a month, which was really great semi-passive income. I'd post process shots and WIPs a couple times a week, and that really helped from month to month.

In 2020, The Magic Fish was published and got a lot of really lovely press. It debuted on the Indie Best-Seller list, and it got pretty popular in schools and libraries. Suddenly, my responsibilities expanded to also being a public speaker (side note: if you make a book about topics of some academic interest, make a generic powerpoint presentation about it now! I'm so serious!). I stopped tabling at conventions (the pandemic), but I would also be paid for speaking gigs in between. I'm not an enormously in-demand public speaker, so I usually asked for an honorarium of about $500 from schools and institutions for online appearances, though I'm about to ask for a lot more because it's cutting into a lot of the time I need to make comics and hit my deadlines. As people are more comfortable meeting in person, I usually ask for a speaking fee of at least $1500, and it must be after they've already taken care of my travel and accommodations. I'm not very well versed in the standards for speaking fees for debut authors, so this might not be standard! It's just my best estimation of the value of my time and effort for that instance.

Speaking of comics and deadlines, I sometimes take on smaller projects for DC (you might have seen these) and Marvel (shhh it's not been announced yet), and the page rates for those, as they've paid me, are usually as follows: $90 per page for writing ($45 for plotting and $45 for scripting), $160 for pencils per page, and $90 for inking per page. I've never colored or lettered, so I don't know those rates. I do regularly talk to other writers and artists, and the rates for writers are all over the place and seem to depend on whether you've signed an exclusive contract with either of those companies. I don't know what a contracted penciller or inker is paid by them, or if that's even a thing that happens? I also sometimes do comics cover work, and I usually charge between $1200 and $1500. I tend to charge a bit more for covers these days because I personally don't like doing covers all that much.

Starting to Reap the Benefits Maybe? (2021-2022)

In 2021, I started getting royalty checks for both Star Spinner Tarot and The Magic Fish. These payments will vary wildly, and I think they will naturally peter off as time goes on, and I'll need to make more books and projects. In both cases, I was surprised. I think at one point a random check hit my bank account for like $20k and I nearly fainted, but some of the other royalty checks will be much more modest. This process of getting paid is also immensely eased by having a good agent! I cannot stress this enough!

Then both the Star Spinner Tarot and The Magic Fish got foreign language licenses, and those come with small advances of their own, each between $2k and $3k, from what I can recall, with varying royalty rates depending on the publisher who acquired those rights. Those royalty rates are, in my limited experience, more modest than my American publisher's, come to around 7% or 8%. The Star Spinner Tarot got an official French edition, and The Magic Fish has been licensed for publication in Italian, French, Korean, Brazilian Portuguese, and Spanish so far.

Since 2021, I've also signed on to draw two more graphic novels for other people, and my agent is able to demand higher advances for me, even when I'm only doing the drawing part.

My Day-to-Day

I think that's about as comprehensive as I can be about numbers. On a daily basis, my schedule depends on whether I'm writing or drawing. Graphic novels are long projects. I'll be writing for months at a time and then drawing for even more months or even years after. I spend a lot of time answering emails for speaking requests, and my agent will sometimes pass along emails about legitimate project requests (another advantage of having an agent is I don't have to sift through scam emails or shady collaborators). I spend way more time answering emails and trying to iron out my calendar than I'd like.

I'm currently working on my second graphic novel for Random House Graphic, and I'm extremely excited about it.

Another thing I've learned is that I like to bounce between projects, but they have to be between a paid project and a personal project. If I'm juggling paid projects, I get overwhelmed and stressed. If I can work on a paid project and then also make personal art, I can feel some relief and maintain a positive relationship with my work. If you can ever get to a point where you can manage to do this, I highly recommend it. I never want to hate making comics, and this balance of personal-to-paid projects helps me keep loving the work.

Closing Thoughts

My only hesitation in talking candidly about all this is that I'm not sure my professional trajectory is applicable for most people. I think I've had a uniquely positive experience once I got off the ground, and I know most people's journeys are very much not this smooth. In a lot of ways, I got very lucky. And along the way I had help, especially before I got my foot firmly in the door. I don't think I make stratospherically high amounts of money, but I know this is still an atypically stable amount for a lot of artists and authors. And even so, I anticipate that some years will be better or worse than others.

Obviously, I couldn’t cover absolutely everything, but my hope is that this will be a good starting point for you to figure out what you need to plan for the future. Best of luck! Thank you for your question! I’m sorry it’s so long.

[seeminglydark]

good news! i finally got a job after being unemployed for a few years. it’ll be at least a year or two before i’m able to move out due to trying to pay off my credit card debt but i’m excited that i’ll be able to leave town and get away from unsupportive family. i’m trying to spend as little money as possible on entertainment stuff and i have a massive book collection that i’m excited to read and sell some of it i don’t feel like i need them anymore. you’re comics have been very helpful for me to be able to understand and express myself. it has given me a lot of joy since finding it especially after the loss of my cat a month ago.

any tips for a queer punk trying to escape and start over with no support system?

happy pride month! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

ANON! I'm so proud of you, thats incredible! i am wishing you all the best on your journey forward and out. it sounds to me like you already have a good handle on things, paying down your debt is a great place to start. depending on how much debt you have, (most of my advice is US based I'm afraid, since thats where i grew up as a poor lonely punk so hopefully it can help you, or someone else) you may be able to find a financial counselor or coach, (not adviser!) to help you get rid of some of it immediately. there are ways to 'challenge' things on your credit that have been there for a while, and many times the creditors will either drop it cuz they dont want to deal with paperwork, or reduce it to a much smaller payable sum because to them something is better than nothing. a lot of cities has free nonprofit programs to help with this, and other non profit organizations offer them as well depending on your community. This will also help improve and build your credit score cuz even a punk might need to buy a home or rent an apartment one day.

i know there is an allure to big name cities when you move, i lived in one myself while poor as dirt and it kinda sucked (Austin tx specifically) because it was so expensive. look into where you want to go before moving there, look at cost of living, and public transit, things like that. it looks like youre waiting a while before going, look into job transfers so you might not have to start completely fresh from the bottom.

thrift stores are great but they are getting more expensive by the year, but when youre a poor guy in a new place, dumpster diving might be an option. please dont ever get a mattress from a dumpster ok? bedbugs are a thing and often why those are thrown out, but other things like tables, chairs, shelves etc. check your local papers and neighborhood boards, sometimes hotels and such renovate and when they do they auction furniture off dirt cheap. Thanks Mr Marriott for furnishing my house for like 40 bucks in 2005!

When you move out, if you are still struggling financially, you can look into fixed rent apartments, you usually have to get on a list, but there are places out there to help you get on your feet. a REALLY good resource for many things if going to be your local library. librarians are like gods and they know SO MUCH that can help you.

speaking of libraries. you do deserve a little joy, i would think about perhaps getting a electronic reader, did you know that you can rent books and audio books from libraries with one? plus it reduces the bulk of books you may have to move later. i know the vibe is different from getting to touch the pages, but the pleasure of reading is still there. The library is also going to be a great place to meet people and find a circle of support and new friends. many of them have clubs and community activities ranging from book clubs to everything in between, you can even suggest a club yourself that they might consider hosting. don't deprive yourself of happiness, itll be helpful on the days when it gets hard to move forward.

its been a hot minute since i was alone and starting over, and things have changed a lot so im not completely sure all of this is still relevant, library is ALWAYS a good place to start. if my followers have any advice, please feel free to chime in the comments as well! im so proud of you anon, and keep us updated as life goes on. <3

[pinehutch]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

Thank you for tagging me!

I should be honest: I am not much of a fic writer. This isn't self-effacing; I've been reading fic since the early aughts but only have 10 works on ao3. One of them is a poem. One of them is a few hundred words of something I've never finished.

That said, fic is important to me for a lot of reasons, but one is that in 2016 I started following a tumblr for a Dragon Age fic exchange, and in 2017 I wrote the first fiction I'd written in almost 20 years. I had been struggling to write poetry for about 10 years before that, too, and fic writing was part of my path back to writing at all.

This isn't to say that I think fanfic is valueless unless it results in 'original' writing; every story happens in context, and we all know how the lines between fanwork and original work blur, both in fan spaces and in commercial ones. But my particular, personal fondness for fic is because it gave me a path back to the first best thing of my life, which was language, and what we do with it.

With that said, my personal top five (links in titles):

Fundamental Forces (or, Root Causes)

Literally my first fic. This was when I remembered that writing can be fun. It's Dragon Age fic, femHawke/Varric. It's also written with a focus on Hawke's POV, a thing I think I pulled off quite well and have never attempted again. It's very silly. It features a 40-year-old and a 35-year-old being profoundly bad at emotional honesty. I riff on turnips for a while. It has a happy ending, which should surprise no one.

She breathed in through her nose and her eyes fluttered shut. “Kiss me, you idiot. Before they think I’m horrified.” Their first kiss. Quick and mostly chaste and part of a joke. She thought it was fitting.

Chapter Last

This is also T-rated Hawke/Varric, written for the same exchange, a year later. It's about near-misses, and trying again, and not being able to pick up where you left off, and it's stumbling back onto the path later, unexpectedly, and after having found another way. It is about stories, and why we do them.

It's fic of the games, of course, but in a way it's also fic-of-fic: there's a novella that's both a tie-in novel and a diegetic book in the Dragon Age setting, and it was printed irl the summer before I wrote this fic.

What I'm proud of, with this story, is character voice. Whenever I share any Varric-voice writing, even years later, people always say very generous things. Varric's also a writer, canonically, and I had fun mimicking 'his' style in passages of this, and trying to keep in mind how his writing and his inner narration would align and diverge. (Lots of Dragon Age fans are understandably thirsty about Varric; I think I've always found him relatable, in many ways, and it didn't occur to me to thirst. But I love him.)

I don't love the structure; I chaptered this, and way more than I needed to. I'd love to rewrite it, someday, but I also think it's good for me to sit with the awareness of its imperfections and the knowledge that people have loved it anyway.

Afterimage (there are two colours)

The Magnus Archives fic, E-rated. Basira/Daisy. This was meant to be a single installment in a series - I think I have a 20,000 word 'outline' in my gdocs, still, but I'm unlikely to ever finish it. The point of this story is self-indulgent, purple-prose, dreamy smut. Wanting the thing and having it, but not keeping it.

This was baby's first E-rated fic ever written. I have no explanation for this, either.

Transformative Work

Written for the 2022 OFMD Big Bang with @mia-ugly. Mostly Frenchie/Jim, a bit Jim/Oluwande, a bit Frenchie/Oluwande, a light sprinkling of polycule potential.

Transformative Work is my favourite thing I've posted to ao3 for three reasons.

It's 40k! I never finish longer works, so 40k is a big deal to me.

I think it's actually brilliant. Clever as hell, at minimum. But mostly brilliant.

It's collaborative!

Writing has always been a solitary thing for me; one of the things I love about Mia is how we can get on a wavelength about a story. (This is mostly a them trick: they're an excellent collaborator and instigator, in general.) I wasn't at my best when we were writing this, dealing with undiagnosed health issues and workplace burnout and an accumulation of grief, but it was beautiful and joyful work, in the end.

Also, I think it is almost exactly what we wanted it to be, and that is such a high.

Number 5 is a bit of a cop-out but still:

Remember when I said "we all know how the lines between fanwork and original work blur"? This is a poem I started writing when Succession 4.3, "Connor's Wedding" aired. I was in a worst spot than I had been the previous year, health-wise, grief-wise.

The title of this poem, "My Father's Dead and I Feel Old," comes out of Connor Roy's mouth in the episode. I had to pause the episode and just get pummeled by that perfect, simple line of iambs. I was a wreck, just generally. Yeah, man, my father is dead and I do feel old! That sort of thing. (The aforementioned health issue? Still not identified or addressed when this aired in spring 2023, btw. My brain was not braining well.)

But there were words for it. I was off work on medical leave at the time. I had just made the transition from crying like it was a full-time job to sleeping like it was a full-time job. The sleep wasn't helping. The crying hadn't helped, either. It wasn't something people could help. But words, and what we do with them - that helped.

Anyway, I'm actually quite proud of this poem, both as an original piece of poetry and as fanwork. It's not on ao3 for reasons including 'I haven't gotten around to it' and 'I don't know if this is sufficiently transformative, by the invisible guidelines I've just set for myself.'

Thank you for sending this to me, it was a lovely thing to think about on my Friday eve! <3

[bingsucks]

STRAP IN JEFFANNIE LOVERS, IT'S ABOUT TO GET YUCKY AND YOU'RE IN THE SPLASHZONE

thought I'd give a comprehensive list on why I personally dislike JeffAnnie because I got called idiotic for it and I see that as a top tier compliment. I go more in depth at the end, but if you just want the quick stuff (since I know y'all like the quotes!!) here you go, but please read the rest of it!! this is an open discussion.

also I get pretty gross in my descriptions of Annie, be warned

season 2 episode 1: "since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you. men are monsters who crave young flesh, the end."

season 3 episode 1: "we can't keep doing this forever, kiddo." "Can't we?" "no, that's gross. I feel gross."

season 4 episode 3: "I was just daydreaming. I mean, I've married you at least a half a dozen times. and Troy. and Zac Efron. Mostly Zac Efron."

season 3 episode 16: "but, we love Jeff." "no, we don't. we're just in love with the idea of being loved. and if we can teach a guy like Jeff to do it, we'll never be unloved. so we keep running the same scenario over and over hoping for a different result."

season 6 episode 13: "are you okay?" "is this really what you want?" "of course. I mean, I'd be fine with a dog too, but whatever you want." "do you have any idea what I want?" "yes?"

season 2 episode 20: "the general atmosphere of 'would they?' 'might they?'" "Annie, I think you're reading into some things." "oh really?" "oh, give me a break. I mean, you could do the same thing with Pierce and Abed!" "yeah, let's be honest, there's more between you and Annie than between me and Pierce." "Abed, it's called chemistry, I have it with everybody."

season 5 episode 11: "I'm 40."

I'd like to actually argue with a personal opinion based on a fact, and some anecdotal hypotheticals

first of all, I'm 17, a year younger than Annie in season one. I know people who are 19, 20 even. the concept of them or myself dating someone who is (not only fully developed in the brain, but) at least ten years older than ourselves-

-is gross, no? if Annie got held back at all, if she didn't drop out, if she and Jeff met in a different way, same age difference and her still in high school, one might say that is a little uncouth, one might even go so far as to say it's gross.

but, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt; make them closer in age, say Jeff is in his 20s instead of his thirties, say 25 (the lowest we can go for him to still be a lawyer). still, Annie's brain wont fully develop until she is 25, meaning Jeff will already be in his thirties by that point, if he dates her any sooner he will be dating what is medically considered an adolescent (10-24) while himself above 30. "but chrissy, chimbo, my love, you're legally an adult at age 18!" if we start bringing the law into this, the post will double in size, to make it simple, just think for a moment why that makes you legally an adult. why is a legal adult not allowed to drink? why would the United States want people who are not fully developed making decisions, and how does that affect their country? food for thought.

another benefit of the doubt! take age out of the question, just look at them as people and their experiences, not by a number! age ain't nothing number, right? like Aaliyah, right? Yeah, did you know R Kelly, the convicted sex offender, wrote that song? Crazy, right? sorry, off topic. Silly me, silly little baby brain. haha. let's look at their dynamic:

Jeff is a man who values the women he dates - rather, sleeps with - very little. "I'm Jeff Winger, and I would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with!" he states, so confident and proud of himself. "I asked this woman out 30 seconds ago to prove a point!" he shouts. "I'll be back with booty!" he sneers. does this seem like the kind of person that would think of women in the long-term? that is Jeff.

Annie on the other hand, as the boy-crazy girlish urchin she is, sees every man that comes her way as Christ incarnate. Annie is obsessive, she enrolled in nearly all of Troy's classes to get some sense that someone, anyone, no matter how bad they treat her, has to rely on her for something she knows. Annie is fresh and inexperienced, she can't say the word 'penis' because it makes her uncomfortable and squirmy. pure, untouched porcelain. so impressionable, don't you think? so untainted, virginal. looking for a father.

describing her like that makes you a bit uncomfortable, doesn't it? feels a little yucky in your tum tum?

that's because if you take away their ages, their experiences speak for themselves. Annie is young, obsessive. Jeff has more experience than her and will discard her quickly in favor of someone younger or better looking. if you're into the 'born sexy yesterday' trope, go ahead. I'm not one to stop you from doing what makes you feel good! We all know what you really want, you don't have to hide it, Humbert- sorry, Jeff. slip of the tongue. scream it loud! scream it on the rooftops, or on the streets: "I want to fuck a teenager!!" see how people look at you!

Oh, they're not smiling, are they? yikes.

i'd just like to leave you with a personal opinion.

is the pairing of Jeff and Annie iffy and pretty gross? yes, scroll up, read this post again if you aren't convinced. at the same time, should it be removed from the show entirely because it's problematic and horrible and everyone who supports JeffAnnie is a meth-addicted pedophile who eats babies and fucks sticky flashlights with the mouthless faces of their classmates taped to the rim? while I would prefer that JeffAnnie didn't happen, yes, I just think those of you who are into this are just uneducated and stubborn. some of you, one of you in particular, i'm sure is a sweaty neckbeard with a fedora and a 4chan tripcode. but not all of you, and for that I have hope.

JeffAnnie is legal, yes. JeffAnnie is by far not the worst, too. and we, as mature half-adults, can admit that. I for one believe that you should be able to ship anything that is both legal and non-blood-related. that's the magic of fandom! enemies to lovers is one of the most popular genres! the toxicity of the relationship is not the problem, it is the predatory nature and unsavory implications that are the problem. I think the relationship as a whole is not something to be looked at with positive emotions, but I also don't believe that this type of screen representation is bad. just because something is put to screen does not mean it is acceptable. I think that's something we all learned in second grade, yes? good. glad we're all on the same page. you're looking wonderful. I hope you have a great day.

also, just to cover all my bases, it's just a matter of preference. it makes a lot of us uncomfortable to see relationships like that, especially those of us who are around Annie's age. like, imagine being her: you're fresh out of rehab and ready to start your life. this guy who is more than ten years older than you, who you think is kind of cute maybe, starts to look at you the same way. imagine having the knowledge that every time he looks at a woman he just sees a pair of tits and a vag on legs. imagine what he sees when he looks at you. imagine that guy having a conversation with your dad, they might even be closer in age than you and him. that's uncomfortable, to me at least.

plus, Britta and Jeff are a better couple.

and if anyone responds with that whole "Dan Harmon DVD season 6" copy paste I hope you all know it makes me kick my feet and giggle. papa needs an ego boost, go ahead *bats eyes* *gets hit by a car*

[iris0-0]

I promise I’m here.

Mom!Tess Servopoulos x sh!daughter reader

Synopsis: Tess, your mother has always given you tough love. Trying to raise you to be respectful and grateful. Though when hard times fall upon you, you cannot seem to tell your mother as you feel she will see you as weak and pathetic.

Warnings: Tess being soft, reader is referred to in more female pronouns, blood, mentions of depression, mentions and descriptions of self harm, I do not encourage this behavior and am here for anyone <3 this is definitely not personal

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Familiar sounding music invaded the current deep sleep you were in. Eyes fluttering open, before quickly closing them due to the early morning light invading through the blinds.

The door opens and you feel a harsh pat on your back, “Cmon kid, gotta catch the bus.” Tess says, making sure you’re awake before leaving the room.

Getting up you looked at the old digital clock on the nightstand that read 6:40 a.m. Fuck. If you didn’t pick up the pace there would be another tardy slip with your name on it, and with that a scold from your mother.

Grabbing whatever pants were on the desk chair and a shirt you grab the same black zip-up jacket you took everyday…to hide the scars. Thankfully your mother Tess wasn’t very noisy as long as you didn’t give any “teenage attitude” was what she liked to call it. So she never really picked up on your habits

Self-harm wasn’t something you were proud of. It started 3 years ago when you were 13. Middle school was an absolute bitch, not to mention the other struggles that have happened in the meantime. You tried to get clean….but it never lasted long, it was a tough battle.

Slipping on the jacket and grabbing your book bag you go down the stairs to grab a banana or some shit to say you ate breakfast. Tess was brewing a cup of coffee before she herself was off to work. She eyed you up and down a bit before smirking to herself. Annoyed you give her a look that basically said ‘what?’.

“When’s the last time you washed that jacket?” She asked. “You were it practically everyday.” Walking towards you she tried to get closer to at least make sure it smelled clean, as teenagers could be lazy or dirty sometimes.

Not wanting her to move the jacket in case of any risk of exposing what was below you responded in a bantering manner to try and keep up your cool act. “Mom! Stop it! I washed it this week.” You smile dodging her grasp and walking to the door to catch the bus.

“If you say so.” She shrugs. “Go learn and shit.”

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School. Highschool sophomore to be specific. Grades weren’t that much of a problem, you were told you were ‘a smart kid’. Having average level classes and a work ethic (sometimes) helped. It wasn’t the work, it was the people.

Once again for English there was a project. Why do English teachers have a project nobody likes every week? Everyone got up and looked around to choose partners…nobody chose you. Shocker. ‘Okay, who cares? I’ll do it myself as usual.’ You thought.

But of course it wasn’t okay. Depression shuffled your mind again replaying old scenarios and listing reasons why none of the other kids wanted to work with you.

Putting headphones on and shuffling random shit, mainly tv girl you got to work and try to forget but to no avail. Taking a break in the middle to go to the bathroom.

Always keeping a blade handy you sit in the bathroom stall. ‘Why am I doing this again? Don’t really know don’t really care.’ You think.

Taking the jacket off halfway the view of the old and fresh marks come into place. It was never enough. Addicted was the word, but it’s perfectly fine isn’t it?

‘Doing what I do best.’ Sliding the blade like it was a damn hobby. Did it sting? Maybe a little but the relief was too strong, it overpowered any pain. That was, until you zoned out. Going deeper, was it intentional? Who knows.

Hitting a vein blood trickled down, quicker than the cuts before that would stop bleeding soon. There was too much. And of course depression comes with anxiety. How come you were fine mutilating yourself but the moment you got dizzy all hell broke loose. I need to get out.

Quickly thinking of an excuse out of habit you called the only person you had, your mom. Were you dying of blood loss? Hell no. But you were on the verge of passing out and eating shit on the schools bathroom floor.

The phone rang a few times.

“Please..please..please.” You mutter.

T: “Hello? Im in a meeting did you butt dial me again?” Your mom Tess says, a bit confused.

“I need you to pick me up, please.”

T: “Kid, I’m in the middle of a meeting.” She sighs, though she hears the panic in your voice. “If it means that much to ya I’ll getchu right after, in maybe half an hour?”

“Okay.” You respond swallowing your tears.

T: “You cryin kid?” She asks suddenly concerned.

“No.” You deny, and you can hear her sigh from the other end.

T: “I’ll get you in a bit.” She said sternly.

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About a half an hour passed. The bleeding was under control but you were weak as hell. Loosing blood was no joke, dizzy and nauseating to say the least. ‘I think I just lost more blood than a period.’ You thought.

A text from your mom saying she’s here and you signed out at the front office, slightly swaying in your steps as you walk the short walk from the front of the school to the car.

Tess was sitting, hand on the steering wheel. The glint from the sun shining just over the scar under her eye. You couldn’t read her face. Was she pissed about picking you up two hours into the school day and about you interrupting her meeting. Regardless you opened the car door.

“Thank you.” Was the only thing spoken and Tess nodded to the action keeping her eyes forward as she drove the two of you home.

Walking in the house Tess put up her keys. You tried to sneak upstairs. “Nope. Come back.” Tess said sternly before pointing to the couch. “Sit.”

Annoyed but not trying to test your mother, you sat your ass back down. “Tell me why I picked you up.” She asked and you just shrugged looking at the floor.

“That’s not an answer and you know it. I love you and I’m trying not to be upset with you but kid, I need to know. You called me in the middle of a meeting you knew I was in crying.” Tess said, a bit stern.

“It doesn’t even matter.” You say a bit annoyed at the persistence and not having an answer to the question that you wanted to tell her.

“Look at me.” She says, as you look straight at the ground. “I just didn’t feel good.” You say looking her in the eye, it was hard. She had the type of eyes that made you spill everything.

Staring felt like forever her eyes narrowing, until your left eye twitched. “You’re lying.” She says crossing her arms over her chest. “No I’m not.” Your eye twitches again, betraying you.

“Yes you are! Your eye is twitching like Nemo’s fucking special fin.” Tess responded. “How the hell would you even know if I was lying? You’re always gone!”

“Language! I’m gone providing for you!” The two of you yelled back and forth for ages. Slowly but surely you were growing enraged. Having bipolar disorder and anger issues Tess knew you needed to calm down before you passed out.

“Okay come on you need to calm down.” She says strictly but assuringly. Even though she was upset with the argument as well she didn’t want it to get worse with you passing out for continuing to dig your nails into your arms.

She took ahold of your shoulders and began to guide you to your room. And shortly after being alone you’d calm down and she’d come back and the two of you would talk it out.

But…that did not happen this time. As she tried to move you, you resisted. “Hey stop. Calm down.” She said trying to grab your arms as you tried to get out her reach. With the fresh cuts and the excessive deep one a whine of pain was let out.

Tess paused momentarily and debated on backing off, but she didn’t. You had been acting different and were on the verge of a panic attack.

With harsh short breaths through go your nose you knew there was nothing else you could do to hide anymore, you were too weak. “What’s hurtin’ hm?” Tess states touching your hands, shoulders, and head gently.

But when she glides over your arms you bit your lip. Razor burn was hitting hard. “Okay let’s get this off..” she mumbles slowly taking the jacket off after she sat you down on the couch.

“Oh honey…” was all Tess could say, staring at the cuts, scars, deep, and shallow. She tries to comfort you but too shaked up and overstimulated. “Okay okay.” Tess backs off, leaving for a short moment to grab the random first aid crap in the bathroom.

She comes back and cleans very carefully, trying not to upset or overstimulate you. As well as to not hurt you. “Breath baby.” She holds your face softly trying to calm you down.

After awhile the cleaning and wrapping is done. It was safe to say Tess could understand why. You had bad bipolar disorder and meltdowns. “Why didn’t you tell me hm?” She asks sitting next to you.

“Cause I didn’t want to worry you and give you more trouble cause it started when dad left and-“ You couldn’t finish beginning to sob.

She pulls you into her tightly and holds you. Quietly shh’ing you, cradling you like a baby. “I’m here I’m not going anywhere. I’m not him.”

Tess holds onto you as you fall asleep. And she’ll always be there for you.

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THIS TOOK FOREVER OVER A WEEK I GOT STUCK. Anyways happy birthday to me <3 Love you stay safe.

[lightuponearth]

update 𐙚˙

hello everyone! my summer break has started recently and i thought there was never a better time to finally post again on here. sorry for the drought lol but i ended up getting quite busy and barely opened this acc!! lots of things and changes have occurred so i'll list them down

☆ i started and finished my first year of my bachelors degree! the modules were all interesting and i enjoyed them, my classmates were all pleasant and so far i'm really excited to be starting my second!

☆ i turned 18 on june, which still hasn't set in lol... i know it isn't as serious of an age but oh well

☆ i got the highest grades in all of my assignments and classes! quite proud of myself for this one

☆ managed to get a hang of python, sql, html, css, and the basics of javascript and php!

☆ i created my very first website :) it was part of our assignment and we had to create one for an online supermarket. maybe i'll make a separate post for it

☆ i reached this year's reading goal! 40 books, i set it quite low because i haven't been reading as much but since there's still some time left before the year ends, i'll probably try to hit 50

☆ not as major of an update but something i've found myself drawn to lately is the way of tea and it's connection to mindfulness, also just trying to cultivate mindfulness in my daily routine. might make some posts about it later

this is all i can remember for now! i hope you all are doing well, and that life is treating you kindly. will be seeing you next time... preferably sooner than after a few months but lets see

[s-talking]

03, 04, 24, 36!

𝑬𝑿𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹𝑺𝑬𝑳𝑭 .    (   a  collection  of  40  questions  for  muns ,  with  assorted  questions  directed  towards  both  single - muse  &  multi - muse  blogs!   )

⌘ o3﹕ do  you  prefer  to  write  in  silence,  or  with  music  /  bg  noise?

music, always. i have 3 different playlists for envy alone as i've had him literally for years & the songs just piled up lmao so now basically i have: 1 for the yandere vibes, 1 for horror vibes & 1 for the romantic / melancholy as well as some apathy vibes. here are a few examples for each: the yandere: x the horror: x the romantic: x the melancholy: x the apathy: x

⌘ o4﹕ what  is  your  primary  source  of  inspiration  for  [ envy ] ?

believe it or not, envy was initially based off everything that, i, the mun, personally either hate or am terrified of, making him a complete opposite of me, like the fact how i can't for the life of me handle very gory movies, spiders, irl abuse or just walking through own house at night without them corridor lights on xDD so i just went ahead & took a whole bag of that, tossed in these with a pinch of yandere:

& voila! BOOM! the wicked lil sh*t was born.

⌘ 24﹕ is  there  a  specific  song  that  gets  you  in  the  mood  for  writing ?

aside from the playlists i've mentioned above, i have two that really get me in the mood to write envy, & it's the one on my blog, & this one here: x i won't lie.. the og maria's expressions & overall vibe are just so... ' envy, ' especially that glance at 0:12 & touch at 0:21. not to mention the ost itself is such a mood. i love it.

⌘ 36﹕ how  has  your  writing  style  evolved  since  you  started  writing?

when i first started role-playing was during the good old days of msn, & like most beginners, i really enjoyed them one-liners lmao just writing away over the years while reading an occasional book helped me to get better naturally. i also like to watch abbie on youtube while drawing from time to time, as she really opened my eyes to certain things that allowed me to have a better flow in writing & generally feel more inspired. on a flipside though, art is & always will be my main passion & work ── as i'm sure my blog screams of it from like 100000000 miles away ── so while i did get much better throughout my lil role-play journey, it's not something that i take too seriously either. i just go with the flow, really, & i'm pretty proud of how far i came.

[trojanteapot]

Obligatory Infinity Train Fanfic Plug I Guess

I have some new followers since I posted about my Infinity Train cosplay process so I guess now's a good time to plug my boring overly-long fanfics that are mostly sad and stuff.

SHIPPING FICS

RYMIN:

Ain't No Cure For Love: Ryan and Min-Gi perform their first gig in Montreal. Min-Gi wants to confess his feelings. (First fic I ever wrote probably a bit rough now and the only fic without any sort of theme besides "love wins" i guess) It Can't Be Helped: Takes place in the mid-2000s when Ryan and Min-Gi's band have become quite successful and are touring East Asia. Ryan has some cultural identity issues to overcome at the age of like, 40-something. (This one is much much better than the first Rymin fic, and is about more than just shipping. I did a ton of research into Japanese-Canadians and Korean-Canadians for it as well! Shout-out to my partner for his huge role in shaping this fic as he is Japanese-Canadian himself.)

GRIMON:

Raison d'Etre (PART 1) (PART 2): Post-Canon AU where Simon survives the Train. Grace and Simon spend about 4 years apart from each other living their own lives on Earth, but one day Grace shows up randomly in Quebec to pay Simon a visit. Traumatic wounds get reopened, things get emotional, philosophical, maybe even a little... sociopolitical? Also interspersed between Grace and Simon's little dates are flashbacks to the Train that explain exactly how Simon managed to leave the Train in this AU.

I separated it into two halves because the second half contains smut. However, the second half kind of needs to be read for there to be a complete story. The smut is entirely skippable and doesn't contribute to the overarching plot so I do encourage you to read both halves.

(Also of note is that this takes place not in the "present" but in the past (2018), because I am An Old Person(TM) and so I made Grace and Simon millennials. And I also didn't want to write about the pandemic. It's not that noticeable and you can ignore that timeline fuckery if you want.)

True Love Waits: (VERY VERY CURSED) Sort of not a shipping fic? But Grace gets pregnant here and we all know who the father is! So Grace needs to leave the Train before the baby is born. Canon complacent so Simon is dead. (TW: other than pregnancy there's also thoughts of self-harm and mentions of abortion)

Leave It In My Dreams: Grace's sad nightmare in Alma Mater but from Simon's perspective.

Shame On You, Blue-Eyed Fox: Grace lets her guard down and harassed by a rookie cop. Simon finally makes himself useful for once in his entire life. (TW: real world racism obviously.)

GENERAL FICS

Alma Mater: Post-Canon. Tulip starts college, is very typically Tulip about it, but she befriends an older student named Grace Monroe who helps her through it. However, Tulip comes to learn that she and Grace have more in common than they realized at first. Also Jesse and Lake get thrown into the mix and drama ensues. (Mostly canon complacent except for 1. time period, and 2. Grace is from California, not DC, but her parents work in DC.)

Initial State: A side story to Raison d'Etre. After Simon realizes he's wrong he works with the Cat to bring his number down and leave the Train. But this isn't as easy as he thought especially when he meets a denizen he's recently met before, but never expected to meet again (becausehekilledherlol).

Semi-Automatic Lonely Boy: Prequel to Raison d'Etre. Just a series of vignettes of Simon's life after returning to Earth. (TW: depictions of self-harm) Other than It Can't Be Helped, this is the other fanfic that I am the most proud of so far. Literally went and relearned French to write some of the dialogue in this.

I'll Get It Right Sometime (ongoing): Four years after Book 3, Hazel and Amelia have a pretty decent life on the Train. But this peace is interrupted when Hazel meets a passenger and decides to help him through the Train. How can Amelia keep Hazel safe? Who is this passenger anyway? Why is the Cat so interested in interfering? Why is Simon somehow involved?! Why is JESSE somehow involved?!?!??! (Note: I think Hazel ages normally, so she's 10 years old in this one.) This is also my most ambitious fanfic yet. I have an Entire Homestuck Reference chapter, a Reddit chapter, and I plan to have several Discord chapters.

[corvid-language-library]

2024 Plans and Goals

For me, 2023 was a year of change. I moved to the other side of the world. I started a new job. I made new friends. I learned about a new culture. I started new exercising habits. I left a 7-year relationship that wasn't right for me. It's been a very big year and I'm proud of myself for taking the steps I needed to break out of the rut I'd been stuck in for so long!

But I didn't really improve my languages or develop new skills. And so, I want 2024 to be a year of growth 🌱 I want to go into 2025 feeling like I levelled up. So, here are some goals for that:

Japanese

Reach ~N3 level (maaaaybe take the exam in December, but I'm undecided)

Learn 10 songs by heart to a level where I could sing them at karaoke

Finish reading another book of short stories

Finish both Minna No Nihongo books

Norwegian

Read at least 2 books in Norwegian

Maintain an overall B2/C1 level

Finish Enjoy Norwegian textbook

Non-language

Trigger warning for vaguely weight and food related goals.

Read 36 books (I may lower this to 30 or increase it to 40, we'll see!)

Complete a first draft of a novel manuscript

Tackle my diet soda and sugar addictions

Comfortable two-block oversplit with back bend

Consistently hold a handstand for 5 seconds

Noticeably improve my demi pointe

Slim down enough that none of my clothes are tight anymore (don't worry I won't post anything related to weight loss on this blog!)

I have some more Japan-specific goals too that I'll post about later 😊

[accio-victuuri]

from this article & interview with Yuli studio. It’s a long but very good read and contains spoilers for the drama.

Xiao Zhan: When I played Xiao Chunsheng, I briefly experienced the happiness of Sheniu.

In June 2023, among the topics related to the actor Xiao Zhan, a Beijing boy named Xiao Chunsheng appeared more.

In the hit drama "Where Dreams Begin", Xiao Chunsheng, who lived in the 1970s, was in a hurry all day long, wearing a coat, riding a 28th pole, reading books everywhere, and complaining about injustices. But he wanted to do this, but he experienced changes one after another, such as the departure of his lover and the shattering of his dreams. The audience regretted what happened to him and worried about his fate. Looking at him, it was like seeing his parents when they were young.

Xiao Chunsheng in front of the camera is pure, proud, and high-spirited, which is completely different from the quiet, humble, and polite Xiao Zhan outside the camera. These two young people with great contrasts have formed an invisible resonance through roles as the medium, spanning nearly 40 years.

When talking with Yuli Studio, Xiao Zhan told us that although there are obvious differences in personality and region with Xiao Chunsheng, both of them have the same energy in their bones. Even if there is only a 1% probability, they will never give up their efforts. They firmly believe that as long as they persist, the future and light must be ahead.

Through Xiao Chunsheng, Xiao Zhan has completed a new challenge and experience. The sea in their dreams, even if it is frozen at low temperature, will eventually wait for the scorching sun.

From Chongqing people to Beijing people

When seeing the script of "The Sea in the Dream", Xiao Chunsheng, a young man living in Beijing in the 1970s, immediately attracted Xiao Zhan. In that high-spirited, dare-to-think and dare-to-do era, he admired Xiao Chunsheng's wantonness, freedom and persistence.

"His enthusiasm and appeal are relatively strong, so he will have a stronger sense of presence. This sense of presence comes from the fact that in Xiao Chunsheng's mind, his father is an out-and-out hero, so the influence on him is positive. Make him very optimistic, cheerful and full of hope." Xiao Zhan told Yuli Studio.

Xiao Zhan believes that in the tide of the times in the past 40 years, no matter how personnel changes, what Xiao Chunsheng sticks to is the friendship and principles in his heart. Pure love exists.

Slowly, from Xiao Chunsheng, Xiao Zhan saw Tong Xiaomei who is soft on the outside but strong on the inside, Ye Guohua who is loyal and true, He Hongling who is warm and realistic, and Chen Hongjun who is inferior and restrained. A vivid image of Beijing youth emerged in his mind. come out.

"The group portraits in the script are very well written. The growth of Xiao Chunsheng is very complete, so I want to challenge it. From the relationship between Xiao Chunsheng and every small partner in Beijing in the early stage, to his joining the army, because of some The reason is that he had to return to Beijing, and in the later stage of entrepreneurship, the relationship with the people around him changed, and his experience was very complicated, but very attractive.”

Xiao Zhan, who grew up in the factory area, has lived with his family for a long time, and often listens to his family telling stories about the past. When he walked into the set that was meticulously restored in the 1970s, wearing an old-fashioned coat and gloves, and riding a 28-bar, Xiao Zhan seemed to see the shadow of his childhood, acting and acting, he felt that he had become Xiao Chunsheng.

After the episode aired, his family members told him: "The acting is not bad, a bit like our era." This gave Xiao Zhan more confidence.

However, Xiao Chunsheng's mouthful of Beijing movies baffled Xiao Zhan, a Chongqing native who had never spoken a child's accent since he was a child.

During the script reading for the first time, Xiao Zhan stood up and introduced himself, saying, "Hello, teachers, I am Xiao Zhan, and I am a kid from Chongqing." He originally thought that he was the only one who was from the south among the leading actors, but in the end, he played Xiao Zhan. Zhang Lingxin of Chunsheng's sister said that she is from Shanghai. Seeing the "sister" and himself "sick and sympathetic", Xiao Zhan joked: "Sister, let's change the background of the story and say that we are actually children who grew up in the south, and then moved to the north."

Social Cow VS Social Terror

Compared with Xiao Chunsheng's social cow in the play, Xiao Zhan outside the play is a bit socially fearful.

When there are many people, Xiao Zhan usually sits in the corner habitually, watching everyone play and laughing. Seeing many people discussing Type E personality and Type I personality, Xiao Zhan, who doesn’t know much about MBTI, tried to think about it: “Maybe Xiao Chunsheng has Type E personality? I am I, right?

When playing Xiao Chunsheng, Xiao Zhan had to mobilize the energy of his whole body to heat up the whole scene. In the scene of fighting with Guo Heizi, in order to show his aura, Xiao Zhan yelled while jumping up and down, as if he was about to shoot a small flame from his mouth, and after the director called to turn on the phone, he changed his face at the speed of light. With a drag, the transition from "Social Horror Brother" to "Social Niu Big Brother" was completed in one second.

Every time when shooting a group scene where everyone eats together, the director always likes to say: "Let Xiao Chunsheng say a few words". In the absence of a script, Xiao Zhan could only muster all his strength and output with a crackling meal.

In the scene of sending Ye Guohua and He Hongling to the army, looking at the reluctant Ye Guohua, Xiao Zhan said impromptu: "A good man has ambitions everywhere", but the scene was a little awkward. So, Xiao Zhan tried his best to raise another glass. Although the movements of his hands were a little rusty and the wine glass almost spilled after toasting, the atmosphere was finally preserved.

During the time when he played Xiao Chunsheng, Xiao Zhan briefly experienced the happiness of She Niu. The leading actors Liu Ruilin, Cui Hang and Xiao Zhan are the same age, and all three of them happen to like singing. While waiting for the show, they simply sang together, filling the crew's daily BGM. After the episode was aired, he also saw everyone's jokes about Xiao Chunsheng on the Internet, which made him laugh so hard.

But after a year of filming, Xiao Zhan admitted frankly that the social cow attributes he learned from Xiao Chunsheng have degenerated.

In the army, in order to beat others by running, Xiao Chunsheng practiced extra hours alone in the middle of the night. Because of this, he was nicknamed "Xiao Chunjuan" by netizens.

Xiao Zhan felt that Xiao Chunsheng was born to be strong, and the "jump" came from his inner pride and unwillingness to admit defeat. But in real life, I just want to do my own thing well, and I will not entangle others or entangle me until I can't sleep, just do my best.

"In the last interview, I said that it would be good to be tired. In fact, I am still very tired, but happy tired." Xiao Zhan said.

Growing up with Xiao Chunsheng

For Xiao Zhan, the most difficult part of playing Xiao Chunsheng is his complexity.

"The complexity lies in the fact that he went from adolescence to his 40s, from a young boy to an entrepreneur. Many things happened during this process, both to make the audience feel that he is sticking to himself, and that he has grown up, That's a point I'm always measuring on the shoot."

Xiao Chunsheng in the play is faced with many major life choices. It includes not only love and friendship, but also dreams and future.

When reading the script, Xiao Zhan had a discussion with the director. He felt that it was not the script that made Xiao Chunsheng choose, but the environment and society at that time made Xiao Chunsheng actively make the choice. Whether it is the subsequent changes in fate or emotional changes, it is the result of Xiao Chunsheng's own choice.

In order to present this complexity, Xiao Zhan will carefully discuss with the director before shooting each scene, what kind of emotion is Xiao Chunsheng in this scene? Does the logic of behavior conform to his current choice? Only by understanding the logic of each character's actions can he truly make himself Xiao Chunsheng.

Xiao Zhan also designed a lot of small details for Xiao Chunsheng, such as not speaking in a positive way in the early stage, he was sloppy, he would never speak well when talking to others, his head was a little crooked, and he looked awkward. After joining the army, he has experienced more changes in the world, and has grown, and his demeanor has become more and more stable.

"I did some processing on his expression and body language. The young Xiao Chunsheng is unrestrained and extroverted, so his expression is richer, his walking steps are brisk, and he can run two steps. In the middle age , Xiao Chunsheng became calmer, more often he was introverted, his body movements would not be too many, and at this time he was walking step by step, down to earth."

In the countless crossroads of life, Xiao Chunsheng always sticks to his original aspiration and passion, and has never been knocked down by his own misfortunes. This is also the point that Xiao Zhan admires the most and wants to learn from.

After "Where Dreams Begin" was broadcast, Xiao Zhan also saw netizens' analysis of Xiao Chunsheng's choices, and these comments coincided with his own thoughts.

"The thing that impressed me the most was the point about choices. Actually, I never told anyone, and I don't believe other people would know. But in the few episodes that have only aired, everyone has felt this. The theme surprised me."

In getting along with the characters day and night, Xiao Zhan and Xiao Chunsheng also had friendship, family affection and career resonance, and completed a special growth together.

Perseverance, steadfastness, strength when encountering the strong, and difficult roads are the uphill roads. In this dialogue, Xiao Zhan repeatedly talked about these words with Yuli Studio.

"Later, he was injured, demobilized, and experienced several heavy blows, but he never gave up easily. This is worth learning or thinking about in our own lives. There will be many difficulties, but we will never be easily defeated ——This is more important.” Xiao Zhan said.

[kris-mage-fics]

16, 30, 31! for your Booksmart MC,

14, 40, and 23 for your SoH MC!

For the Character Development Hard Mode asks. First up, Amira, my Booksmart/Hot MC from Scarlet Hollow: 16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? In the past, Amira put more value in success. That's part of why she became a lawyer, and she wanted to make Vivian proud. Over time she's come to idealize happiness more. After working her ass off in law school and now working 80 hours a week with a quarter of a million in student loan debt, and her mother's death, yeah success isn't looking so great. Sadly, she feels like happiness might be a pipe dream for her. 30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? Ditchlings! Amira is both skeptical and fastidious, and she isn't handling the horrors well, she finds a lot of what's been going on this week repulsive. Also cockroaches, and people who are very messy eaters. Well a lot of insects really, while she can manage around them and understands their necessary ecological role, she can never get rid of that ick factor. 31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. Sitting outside on a nice sunny day reading a good book! It's when she's at the most peace and feels the most comfortable. For how easily she can come across as a pretentious snob, she's actually quite happy and comfortable with the simple pleasures in life. For Kyrahlise, my Shepherds of Haven MC: 14. Does your character remember names or faces easier? Kyrah's quite good with both, though she's a little better with faces. Probably because of her artistic side, she's a very visual thinker. 23. What does your character dislike in other people? Whether she likes someone or not mostly comes down to how they treat other people, and animals. So anyone who's a bully, purposely rude, cruel, very discriminatory, is mean to kids or animals, abuses their power over others, or is just generally a jerk, she really dislikes. Not that most people would realize this, she's too polite to let it really show the majority of the time. Otherwise she's pretty easy going and gets along with most people just fine. 40. How does your character treat people in service jobs? Very well. Kyrahlise is naturally a friendly and understanding person, and a lot of her jobs over the years have essentially been service jobs. So she especially has a lot of empathy for service workers. She's been a maid, bodyguard, clerk at an art supply shop, and a waitress, so she's gets how much it can suck. (Some may argue that being a bodyguard isn't a service job, but you are providing a service and I'm sure have to use a lot of customer service skills in doing it.)