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vanessakirbyfans · 4 years ago

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Vanessa Kirby suggests we meet on the Mall, the central location for her on-screen triumph as the young Princess Margaret in The Crown. I’m standing outside the shuttered Institute of Contemporary Arts when she strides into view, a slender, leggy figure with bleached hair and brilliant blue eyes, clad in trademark black, but for her gleaming white Converse trainers.

"I haven’t been here since we were filming!" she marvels through her mask, gazing up the processional avenue towards Buckingham Palace. "I was whizzing up the road on a motorbike, holding onto the back of Matthew Goode [as Antony Armstrong-Jones] and feeling so exhilarated about what on Earth was happening to my life – being in a job I loved, playing someone I loved."

Her ebullient mood was dented when Margaret’s handbag, into which she’d put her own phone, was blown away from between her feet, and an opportunistic passer-by ran off with it. "By the time I could check Find My iPhone, it was already in Leicester Square," she says. "Of course, the costume department were furious because the bag was vintage and a one-off." We both laugh, rather ruefully, for such anecdotes already seem to belong to a more carefree time. This bright, crisp lunchtime in lockdown, the Mall is all but deserted –there would be no need for roadblocks or filming at dawn today – while the roles Kirby is here to discuss are light-years away from her embodiment of a pampered royal party girl.

The morning of our meeting, Pieces of a Woman has launched on Netflix to rapturous reviews and critical acclaim that has seen Kirby, in her first lead role, picked as a front-runner for the award season’s most coveted best-actress gongs.

It is not, however, an easy watch. Kirby plays Martha, a first-time mother whose baby dies moments after being born; the film follows Martha’s subsequent disintegration, alongside that of her close relationships. Her labour, which comes at the start of the film, is some 26 minutes of one unbroken take that manages to be simultaneously intimate and menacing as the camera swoops around the apartment and hovers beside the traumatised protagonists.

Kirby’s performance is astonishingly unselfconscious, which is the more surprising since she never went to drama school (turning down the offer of a place at Lamda in favour of stage roles at Bolton’s Octagon Theatre) and says she couldn't bring herself to dance in front of her friends. "I’m the one who sits in the corner and watches." She describes seeing herself on-screen as "disconcerting", and "not a very natural human experience", and indeed even finds making Zoom calls a trial. "There’s nothing to hide behind!"

For Pieces of a Woman, the director Kornel Mundruczo decided that the birth scene would be the first to be shot, she tells me, as we stroll around St James’s Park, conducting ourselves like a couple of spies in a Le Carré novel. "I knew I’d have to be naked, and literally open my legs and give birth in front of a group of strangers I’d only met that morning. I was actually quite thankful – I thought, the rest of it’s going to be a lot easier."

In fact, she says, she found herself swept away by the emotion of the story. "Normally, it’s so hard to forget there are machines in your face, but I had no idea that a camera was even there." Was it traumatic to act? "The first time we shot it, I was literally sobbing for 10 minutes afterwards. I couldn’t get out of it. My brain was telling me it wasn’t real, but my unconscious didn’t know the difference, especially with having a real baby in my arms.

"Kornel came over onto the bed and held me so tight. He didn’t let go of me for five minutes, and he said, 'Just remember this feeling.' That really helped me for the rest of the movie, when the character doesn’t express anything, but almost has to be doing the howling without speaking a word."

Kirby took her research seriously, even asking a mother-to-be –a total stranger – to allow her to be present in the delivery room at the birth of her son in a north-London hospital. "I remember every single second of it," the actress says emphatically. "I was there, glued to my seat, for seven hours, not even a loo break! I was just amazed, in awe. I saw a woman completely surrender and go on this spiritual journey, which involved indescribable pain, clearly, but also ecstasy. It gave me a whole new respect for women and how powerful they are, and a new empathy for men, because they feel so helpless. And obviously, seeing the baby come out was the most incredible thing in the world I’ve ever seen, by far. After he was born, all of the mother’s colour returned, she looked like an angel, she had a kind of holy glow." Bathetically, it was only then that the couple recognised Kirby. "They were going, 'Oh my God, it’s Princess Margaret! This is so weird!'"

The experience has given her a new philosophy on life, she says. "I was watching the mother go through these contractions, which were excruciating, and the pushing, and then there was a moment of calm, and of expansion. And so, when I’m going through things in my life, I say to myself, this is like a contraction, surrender to it, because there might be something born from it. Sometimes we don’t want that; when we’re feeling something horrible, we want it to pass as far as possible. I’m teaching myself to allow it to be there and not resist or push it away, and that’s because of that woman."

But her character’s storyline also demanded that Kirby understand the experience of stillbirth. A friend introduced her to a woman who had lost her baby Luciana under eerily similar circumstances to those in Martha’s narrative. "She shared everything with me." They have become close friends, and the film’s ending is dedicated to Luciana. Kirby continues to work with Sands, the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death charity, and is voluble in her admiration of the Duchess of Sussex and Chrissy Teigen, both of whom have recently spoken out about their own experiences of miscarriage.

"I feel so close to them and so proud of them for breaking that silence," she says. "Meghan is probably the last person who would feel comfortable sharing her very personal, intimate feelings. It’s that courage that I want to continue to honour. What they’re saying is, if you’ve been through it, we have too, we share your story. I think that makes you feel less lonely. But one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, which is far more than I knew about. Society finds it difficult to hold space for that kind of pain."

Her parents, to whom she is very close, have both seen the film and wept throughout, she says. As if on cue, her phone pings, and her eyes soften when she checks the message; it’s a childhood friend who herself miscarried, getting in touch to say how much the film has meant to her.

The integrity of Kirby’s performance has already netted her the Volpi Cup for Best Actress at the Venice Film Festival. "It doesn’t seem real," she says. "I have it in its case – I wouldn’t have it on display, it looks like a football trophy – but occasionally I glance at it and think, 'Did that really happen? Or did I make it up in a weird dream?'" In a similar vein, she is reluctant to engage with the Oscar buzz surrounding her. "I don’t even know when they are," she admits. "My 13-year-old self would have a heart attack. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it!"

Kirby’s other film, The World to Come, is set in mid-19th-century America but touches on the same themes of bereavement and redemption. The central character Abigail, played by Katherine Waterston, has also lost her young daughter, and in her grief, turns away from her husband to have an affair with Tallie, her free-spirited, flame-haired neighbour. "I was glad I was playing Tallie rather than Abigail, because it might have been a bit too much," Kirby confesses – though without giving away spoilers, that role is pretty traumatic too...

The screenplay is taken from the short story of the same name by Jim Shepard, which was inspired by an entry he found in an antique diary: 'My best friend’s moved away, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again.' "It was one woman’s voice, like an echo from the past, and we’ll never know who she was," says Kirby. "The World to Come really educated me about what life was like for women not that long ago. They didn’t have a choice about anything they did with their time. You were owned by the house, and the man, and you had no freedom outside that. The best thing about doing this mad job sometimes is having your ignorance illuminated. I gravitate towards things that push beyond my experience, I want to go to places I don’t know, I’m not familiar with."

The experience of making both films has changed her profoundly. "I can’t do anything unless it means something to me now," she says. "It’s a better way to work, because you’re not focused on yourself at all. So maybe I’ll only work once every 10 years!"

To ensure that this is not the case, and in order to find more untold, female-led stories, her ambition is now to set up her own production company. "Even a few years ago, a film about a woman losing a baby would have been unthinkable. There are so many voiceless people, and I have a voice in this industry, and I want to make sure the tribe is represented properly."

It is undeniably awkward, therefore, that her male co-stars in the films, Shia LaBeouf and Casey Affleck, both of whom play violent, abusive husbands, have been called out for their treatment of women. In December, the British singer FKA Twigs filed a lawsuit against LaBeouf, her ex-partner, alleging that he "hurts women. He uses them. He abuses them, both physically and mentally". While LaBeouf largely denied the accusations, he admitted in a statement to The New York Times: "I have a history of hurting the people closest to me. I’m ashamed of that history and am sorry to those I hurt. There is nothing else I can really say."

Meanwhile, Affleck was sued by two female crew members working on his 2010 film I’m Still Here, one of whom accused him of sexual harassment. He denied the allegations, and the lawsuits were settled out of court, but he later told the Associated Press: "I behaved in a way, and I allowed others to behave in a way, that was really unprofessional, and I’m sorry."

Kirby is understandably reluctant to get into any of this. "I can’t comment on a legal case that’s going on in someone’s personal life," she says. "I feel really protective of Pieces, so that’s what I want to speak about. Because it came out at eight this morning, all I can think about is the mothers I spoke to, and wanting them to be my focus. I just know my job is to honour them."

Perhaps counter-intuitively, starring in Pieces has awakened in her the desire for a family of her own. "It’s definitely made me want a baby, for sure," she says; but she hasn’t currently got a partner, having split up from Callum Turner (Frank Churchill in last year’s Emma), whom she met when they co-starred in the 2014 film Queen & Country. "This year has made me think a lot about the home I want to create. I like the idea of inviting someone into a space that’s mine, preferably before I have kids."

In the near future, however, Kirby has nothing on her plate except for getting through a third lockdown. "I’m free as a bird! I’ve read a lot of stuff, and said no to a lot of stuff..." She currently shares a flat in Tooting, south London, with her sister Juliet, an assistant director, and two friends. "I was just about to move out to live on my own in north London – my God, I would have been so lonely! My sister saved me. It was so nice to have routines together. We were trying to take a bit of exercise, cooking together, watching films that made us feel better, drinking wine on Friday nights..."

By now, having circled St James’s Park several times, we are strolling back towards the Corinthia Hotel, where Kirby has a full programme of Zoom interviews lined up for the afternoon. "That’s why I’m so happy to have actually had the chance to go out and meet you in real life," she says enthusiastically. "It’s funny when everything in your life closes down, and you have to sit with yourself, and you suddenly notice all the things you have and you’re grateful for. I hope that feeling never goes away – I will never underestimate how lucky I am."

#Vanessa Kirby #Pieces of a Woman #The World to Come #Interview #Articles

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mooglesorts · 4 years ago

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man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

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-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

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doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

#shc #sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #badger primary #bird primary #burned badger primary #exploded badger primary #exploded bird primary #burned houses #exploded houses #abuse cw #gore implied cw #moogle hat talks

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aurorafluffbutt · 4 years ago

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Normally, Karamatsu was good at keeping his cool in situations that made him really nervous or scared. He would stay calm and collected, ready to take whatever it was on with everything he had and seize his moment to prove to himself that he was indeed the cool, brave, and overall flawless man he wanted to be.

This was not one of those times.

Karamatsu’s heart raced in his chest and his stomach was twisted in knots as he walked down the hallway towards his new therapist’s office. Although his body language stated the exact opposite, he was incredibly nervous. His relaxed posture and his puffed out chest hid that very well.

Why was he so scared? Everything that Chibita told him about therapy sounded like a dream come true. A place where you could talk to a trained professional about how you're feeling without fear of judgement along with them giving advice on how to improve your state of mind? That sure sounded like a great idea to Karamatsu. So why was he anxious? He had no reason to be.

Well...he did have one reason.

Karamatsu couldn't begin to describe the feeling that he had when he was given the name of his psychiatrist. It was like that sinking feeling that you get in your stomach when you realize something horrible, but worse. Not only was a family member going to be seeing him at his most vulnerable, but it was the family member that hated him the most. He was dreading their first session from the moment he found this out to when he was nearing Ichimatsu’s office door.

Before he knew it, Karamatsu was standing in front of the only thing separating him from more humiliation and self hatred, once again caused by one of his many brothers. He raised his fist up to knock on the door, but stopped.

Is this really something I should go through? No, maybe not. He thought. Maybe I should just go home and crawl back into bed. But I can’t just leave without an explanation! What am I going to do?

While Kara pondered whether or not he should knock, Ichimatsu made the decision for him by opening up the door as if he knew his brother was standing on the other side. He didn't seem at all phased by his brother being his client. He just looked at his clipboard and said a simple “Welcome. Come in.”

Karamatsu nodded and confidently made his way into the office, trying to put on his typical “cool guy” exterior. His brother’s workspace was extremely messy, with papers haphazardly stacked on his desk and books in a bookshelf that looked like they were just thrown in with little thought put into where they should go. Ichimatsu didn't seem to mind the mess though, and he looked like he knew where everything was. He sat down at his desk and silently stared at Karamatsu. He stared back, unsure of what to do.

Finally, Ichimatsu gestured to the couch across from his desk. “Have a seat.”

Karamatsu nodded again and sat down in the soft cushions, letting the awkward silence hang in the air and waiting for Ichimatsu to make the first move.

Ichimatsu looked over his notes again and shifted his gaze back to Kara. “So what brings you here?”

With that, the older man froze. He didn't want Ichi to know that him and his brothers were the cause of his lack of self esteem and self worth. He doubted that they'd even feel guilty if they knew. Plus, none of them knew him outside of his persona. He tried so hard to make that persona who he was, and admitting that he hated himself would just undo everything he's built up. He had to think of something to say quick!

Karamatsu put on his usual confident smirk and closed his eyes. “Heh...you see brother, a friend of mine suggested that I come here, and although I don't see why, I didn't want to disappoint them when they thought they were doing a good deed!”

“Karamatsu, you don't need to act like that while you're here. You can be honest with me. I won't judge you for anything that you say and I won't tell any of our brothers about what we talk about. Everything that happens in this room stays in this room. You don't even have to see me as your brother. Right now, I'm your therapist.”

Karamatsu, genuinely dumbfounded, blinked a couple of times at Ichimatsu. That was the first time in a long time that Ichimatsu showed any semblance of kindness to him, and although he wasn't about to complain, it just felt weird.

Ichimatsu spoke again. “I know that this is a bit awkward, but you can trust me with anything. I have a lot of clients who are going through the same thing that you are, you don't need to feel like you're alone on this. I'm a professional, I know how to help if you tell me what's bothering you.”

Karamatsu so badly wanted to trust his brother and tell him how he truly felt, but along with keeping up his image, his concern was about how Ichimatsu would feel if he knew the truth. If he knew that him and the others were the main cause of his lack of self worth, he'd..well, he'd…

Actually, Karamatsu didn't know how his brother would react if he knew. He hasn't seen him since the brothers went their separate ways to start their own lives and careers. What happened to Ichimatsu that made his attitude towards him do a complete turnaround? Was he just trying to be professional? If they ran into each other somewhere in public, would he go back to abusing him?

Ichimatsu spoke once again and interrupted Karamatsu’s train of thought. If he was scared of being vulnerable around him, then he was going to fight fire with fire.

“If it makes you feel any better, I also had to get therapy before I went to college. I was so scared of moving out and getting a job, mostly because of the stress of having to be around so many people at once. After living with Todomatsu for a little bit while he was trying to get his acting career off the ground, I decided that I wanted to do something productive, but I didn't know what. Plus, I doubted myself too much to do so. After I struggled with this conundrum for a while, I finally told Mom and Dad about this and about how I felt, and they did what was probably the best thing they've ever done for me: they got me a therapist.

Sure, it took me a while for me to open up with her since I didn't think that I needed it at first, but once I did, I noticed that I felt a lot better after our sessions. I was happier, more comfortable. She taught me so many things about my self worth and she helped me through so many issues that I struggled with for a long time. Even after I decided to go to college and major in psychology, she was there with me through every step of the way. I probably would've dropped out from stress had it not been for her. I'm really happy with my life now, and I wouldn't be here had it not been for Mom and Dad’s decision to sign me up for counseling. It's nothing to be ashamed of.”

The more Ichimatsu revealed about what he's been up to, the more Karamatsu’s expression softened. When they were still NEETs, Ichimatsu wouldn't be caught dead being this open about his feelings, and here he was, talking about his past struggles to the brother he used to hate the most without a hint of hesitation. He really has changed. Without noticing, Karamatsu's eyes began to water and his throat tightened. After watching Ichimatsu grow up into a cynical, cold loner and seeing that he's become someone like this, Karamatsu knew for sure that he could confide in him.

Noticing Kara’s tears, Ichimatsu leaned over his desk and handed him a box of tissues. “Here.”

After Karamatsu took the tissues and blinked away his tears, he slowly started to spill everything that he's felt over the years of living with his brothers. The loneliness, rejection, self hatred, desperation, trust issues, and to top it all off, the need to hide all of that out of fear of nobody caring. While it did hurt Ichimatsu to know that him and the rest of Karamatsu’s brothers were the main cause of these awful feelings, also knowing that his older brother trusted him enough to tell him all of this even after their less than great past made him feel really good. It brought him a sense of hope that Karamatsu’s relationships and sense of importance would improve greatly with some work and a bit of medication if needed. It was one of the many reasons that he loved being a therapist.

Karamatsu wrapped up his story and smiled at Ichimatsu. It was nothing like the confident grin that he usually wore. It was more soft and relieved, happy that he could finally talk about whatever he needed to in a secure safe space. It was almost cathartic.

With a glance at the cat themed clock on the wall, Ichimatsu turned back to his brother. “It's almost time to wrap up our session. Is there anything else you'd like to add before you leave?��

“Yes. I'd like to say that I could never be more proud of you, by brother. You've made so much progress in your career and mental image, so much so that you'd tell your story to someone that you hated. You've grown so much, fulfilled your dreams, and you've settled into a comfortable, happy life. I may still be trying to find my calling, but seeing you every week will help me in the long run so much, I know it. Thank you in advance for helping me, and thank you for finally being here for me.”

All Ichimatsu did in response was smile at his brother with his usual lidded gaze. “Thanks Karamatsu. It means a lot to hear that. I'll be seeing you again next week.”

The older brother made his way out of the doorway of the office after a goodbye, refreshed and smiling.

There were many more layers to Ichimatsu than he thought, and now that he knew that, he'd be less nervous about sharing the truth in their next session. Sure, he'd still be a bit reluctant since he wasn't used to actually addressing his issues, but at least he would know that he could be honest with him right off the bat next time.

It may not have seemed like it at first, but Ichimatsu couldn't have been better for his therapist.

#osomatsu san #karamatsu #ichimatsu #iromatsu #fanfic #my writing

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heartate-aa · 4 years ago

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but yeah no on a serious note. since i feel like my hand has been forced, i’m going to be more open about myself regarding like my mental health. i usually don’t like to put it out there, not anymore since the majority of us have moved past the “tell the entire internet all of your mental health problems and list them where we can all see or else you’re lying” but. i struggle with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, paranoia, and adhd. if you know anything about these things, you’re going to know how difficult it is to deal with them, especially their combined effects together. bipolar + adhd together literally feels like they are holding hands and skipping and singing songs together while holding me at gunpoint to conspire against me and ruin my life and it’s difficult like. the adhd executive dysfunction on top of the lethargy and mood drops that come with depression + my severe depressive episodes make it almost impossible to function sometimes and it’s why i disappear out of nowhere and i shut down and i don’t talk to anyone.

like that incident in may 2018 where i was literally so suicidal that i really did try to like my mental health was so bad and it’s disgusting that my 4-5 days of silence are being painted as me suicide baiting and also “making them think i was dead” like i understand how shitty it comes across. the way it must have felt to worry about me. but perhaps for a moment, could you understand how awful my mental health had to be that i deleted my existence from the internet for a week and said nothing, even to my own boyfriend who was trying to check on me? the fact that i couldn’t even tell them that hey, i am fine now, i’m recovering, i’m doing better, speaks volumes to HOW i was struggling and how low i felt because my bipolar disorder takes me to the extremes and sometimes things feel life or death and world ending and it’s dramatic and it’s awful and it’s not fun. i didn’t do it on purpose. it seems cold because yeah at the end of the week, when i was starting to feel better, i was playing aram games on the PBE because i was trying to find some semblance of normality and do something i enjoyed to make myself feel better after being in such a horrible pit. am i proud of that? no, because if i was starting to feel better, i could have messaged raphael first. that’s true. but i was still not in a place where i felt like i was ready to talk to anyone. i wasn’t. i was spoonless, upset, depressed, recovering from trying to die, and i still wasn’t ready to talk to them and it’s unfair to twist this situation and paint it as me being evil and malicious when i was simply struggling. it’s not fair. i understand the way that it hurt raphael. the desperation and worry and anxiety that they went through in trying to make sure i was ok because they thought i was dead. i cannot even begin to imagine what they were feeling, but i can try to because they scared me several times. i don’t think they were suicide baiting me and i will not say that it was because that’s shitty and it’s NOT what it was but, they scared me a lot and i thought a lot of times things were very dangerous. i won’t speak up on the incidents themselves bc it’s not my story to tell and i will not break the privacy of these situations, but i was scared a lot that raphael was going to hurt themself and i was panicked and upset and i can understand, in part, the similar feelings they must have felt. anyway i will discuss all of this at a later date.

the point of this post was. i am mentally ill. severely so. i’m not in a position where i can seek professional help but i do things every single day to try to cope and better myself and grow as a person so that i don’t let my issues negatively affect the people around me. i still slip up, i know that, i make mistakes, but i am trying my best to be a better person. i am trying to be more conscientious of the things i say and do because with my adhd + bipolar comes a lot of impulsivity and that gets me into a lot of trouble. but like, it’s disingenuous to try to accuse me of taking the time to make malicious schemes but in the same beat note that i’m ... impulsive and it’s because of my impulsivity that i fuck up? pick a story. please. my brain is not wired that way. i couldn’t scheme even if i wanted to like it’s just. malicious to say that?? my bipolar gets triggered easily sometimes. sometimes it’s not so easy. sometimes i don’t even see an episode coming, i’m just suddenly in a pit of irritability and depression and i don’t know how i got there and i’m in my extremes of everything sucks the world around me is coming to an end. but sometimes i’m manic and happy and excited but at the same time i’m still just as irritable. anyways i’m saying all of this because. my mental illnesses aren’t excuses. i’ve never tried to use them as a crutch or make excuses. every time i bring them up, i’m trying to provide a reason and explanation from how/why i got from point a to point b. i never tried to use them as a crutch. i just wanted to be understood. i just wanted people like raphael to understand my reasoning, my mindset, and my point of view. it was never meant as a “im using this as a shield and that’s why you can’t yell at me.” it was a “hey this happened because i came to this conclusion due to my anxiety/paranoia and i acted impulsively.” i never used anything to justify my actions. me being mentally ill doesn’t put me in the right. i have NEVER used it to excuse myself. i just wanted to be heard, for raphael to see from MY point of view and try to understand HOW i came to a certain conclusion, even if it was wrong. i never tried to say i was right. i just wanted them to understand HOW and WHY i got to that place, even if my judgment + actions were in the wrong.

#im trying to be open about my mental health in light of all this #since people want to take it out of context and demonize me for it #ooc.#tbd.#suicide mention -#ask to tag

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calypsoff · 4 years ago

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Sixty Six. Part 2

To say the least it was kind of nice to have Chris in bed with me even though we slept apart, it was just nice and warm in the bed with him. Lifting my head up and looking behind me, he’s not in bed of course “looking for me” looking to the door, he caught me “not exactly, just checking if you left because I am on the edge of the bed, took all the space” resting my head back on the pillow “have you seen how skinny I am, that is a lie” a smile formed on my face “is that breakfast?” I questioned “for me yes” pulling a face at him “I’m joking, it’s for you” I let out an oh and I turned onto my back “miss me that much?” Lifting the covers over me, my boobs are everywhere recently. They are big, big for me anyways “uh, let’s not get above your station now. You want to sit up?” Nodding my head, wish he could pick me with his skinny self. Shuffling up on the bed, I feel his eyes on me so much, I can feel his gaze “stop it” I mumbled, Chris chuckled “what? I can’t look, we married” fixing the covers over my legs smiling “you grown, like a lot. I think your nipples are happy” pulling at my tee laughing “nigga” looking up at him “is that the rose from my bed?” I pointed out “does it matter?” He placed the tray on my lap, didn’t think he knew where things were in this home “I deserve a fresh one, I wanted two” Chris groaned out “I’m joking, awww this is so cute Chris. Thank you, really mean it” he moved back smiling, he is so proud of himself “I will put the TV on for you, I’m going back down. I’m making myself some food” letting out an oh “Rorrey not stayed here?” He shook his head making his way around the bed “he left, maybe he has a lady, but he went after my court case. What trash you want to watch?” He is cute, made me four boiled eggs and toast and took the crust off for me, he is the cutest “erm, anything. You not going to eat upstairs then? Nobody is here” I asked “I will come back up after, I’m just going to get something” I need this “I like your tan, you look good” he is cute, I keep saying this but he is being the cutest.

I was actually waiting for him to come back and he did, with a bowl of cereal that he took so long to get “it’s nice to know you know how to keep a house clean, we need to have arguments more often don’t we” watching him walk around the bed “no, no more. I am sick, I just miss you. It’s always me in the doghouse, you do something dumb then I can have this bed” what is he like “whatever, but I ain’t forgiven you just yet” I lied, he sat on the edge of the bed “and I get it, that is why I posted your baby picture. Like the longer you don’t forgive the worse the pictures get” mean mugging him, I didn’t peep a word but stare at him. He looked behind him at me and laughed “you need to quit that shit, you look like a fanpage. Getting on my damn nerves!” Annoying ass “nah, I ain’t quitting. Until I meet Rihanna, it’s my dream too” I shuddered as he slurped the milk from the bowl “getting flashbacks, you know I slurp good” how did he know I shuddered “be quiet, so what did you do while I was away? Cry yourself to sleep?” He turned his body to me so he can see me “I slept on your side of the bed and sniffed your panties, stank as hell” I swear I wanted to throw my pillow at him but that means I would have to move “you’re actually nasty, I finished my breakfast thank you. I appreciate it” he grinned at me “I will take your plate then” shaking my head “I can, don’t” he shot up from the bed “no, let me. Please; I want to show you something” oh he got something to show me “ok, you go for it then” I sat back on the bed.

Chris came back in the bedroom with the biggest grin on his face, it’s kind of weird that he is smiling the way he is “what?” He made his way over to me “mhmm I came to give you this” he bought forward a box “awww for me?” I love gifts “yes” taking the white box from him “hope you like it” he sat on the edge of the bed “depends, I might dislike it and then you will have to get something else” pulling at the bow “you’re stressful” shaking my head smiling, pulling open the box “a chain” lifting the box up “yeah, just scan it. On Spotify, find out what it is” reaching over and grabbing my phone “I have Apple Music?” Chris side eyed me “I’m playing, I have both apps” he is getting annoyed with me, let me stop playing with him. Sliding across to find the app “I have so much on this phone” tapping on Spotify “so I just take a picture of it” Chris reached over and fixed the chain “tap that, now do it” he tapped my camera “don’t act like you know what you’re doing now” taking a picture and the then it loaded “oh” our first dance song “I hate you” I paused, placing the back of my hand just over my mouth feeling myself getting choked up. I breathed out moving my hand back looking down at my phone as the song played “you really hurt me Chris” looking up at him, wiping the tears that fell, stopping the song “forget everything, the media coverage but just your actions, you hurt me. And that is what bugged me the most, you didn’t take fault. You just blamed others and even then you didn’t admit to it, you lied to my face. You caused me so much stress for what?” I sniffled “you wanted me to break you down and even then you did it back at me, you hurt me a lot. Hurt that didn’t need to happen, worst of all Chris I felt like you didn’t want me, like you regretted being married. I felt the hard work for us just went and I was being judged because of it, I was so hurt by you. Then you didn’t even call and you can’t justify doing that, you just forgot about me. I am pregnant and anything could happen, it hurt me being in that bed when you weren’t there. I had to hurt you, you had to feel the hurt I feel because I felt unworthy like I did with Rakim and it was so unfair, so very unfair” wiping my tears as more tears came, he did hurt me.

“I was thinking like why me, I married him is he not happy with me. I just hated that I was pregnant and married because then I can’t do anything but be at home. I look the fool because people were being so rude about it, while I was hurt you was in Canada and even when I questioned it you lied and yeah, I just was hurt by your actions more than anything. You knew what you did and didn’t want to handle the consequences when everything was good with us, what else could I do to make you better. Where do I go wrong that you had to entertain some whore, I questioned myself and I was hurting so much. If you were my boyfriend Chris I would have got you back a whole lot worse but I’m not in that era of my life, I am going to be a mother, so I have that mentality, but I feel you strayed away from that” I took in a deep breath “thank you for this though” I don’t remember if I said that to him.

“I’m sorry Robyn I am, I fucked up. I really did, and in that moment you don’t see it because it’s not bad, I am not excusing what I did. And also what I did when I came home, I was so close to losing you and I was scared of that, if we are being truthful. I questioned myself if getting married is what I wanted so early on and I have been questioned that at the interview and I meant what I said, I don’t regret it because I have peace in my heart, it’s been horrible without you Robyn, every day just waking up lonely. I felt like shit, I was lost in the moment and I became the asshole you always say I am, and for that I am so sorry, I really mean it. I hate to see you cry and I rather be here making it up to you then lose you, my daughter. I can’t wait to meet her, hoes are for then and not for a lifetime, but my intention was never that, when I was speaking to India in that setting it was literally oh you moved to Cali, you love it there and whatever and then she said it to me, are you up for cheating. I was shocked, how can one be so upfront about it, I was shocked. And me not calling you, I am sorry. I got to Drake’ home and lost my mind, I didn’t even do that on my stag night, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I hurt you” I am glad he understands “but I mean what I say, I love you and I don’t regret anything that happened between us, the high life got the better of me and I am not like that, I am really not but I lost myself. I am just going to watch myself for next time, if there is of course” he laughed, he knows damn well he is banned for now.

I swallowed hard “the things that went on in my mind, I didn’t want our daughter to be in that setting. I just always wanted different for my kids. A loving father, it would break me if my kids didn’t get that and I was just panicking that I made that mistake, I didn’t know this man I was seeing” my voice broke, I am so emotional about this “I was so worried, I know nothing in life is perfect but I would like my kids to have a father that loves them, then I found out it’s a girl and I just thought back to me. Broken home, I am scared of that a lot. I know I didn’t make a mistake but it’s when everyone was saying it, I rushed, and I didn’t think. Got to me, and me. I have issues myself, giving myself to any man anyways so giving myself to you and you did that, it brings me bad memories and it makes me fearful. Mel and I did see Captain, twice actually” I laughed sniffling “he said that he never said it would be perfect, but your husband he is a good guy. He means no harm, I know you want to leave. And I felt like that because you came home and made it worst to me, your shitty attitude towards me and it’s like with you, if I don’t break you down you continue this circle of being a dick. I have said it countless times, you are awful with your mouth and your temper can be bad. Speaking about it with you, it has made me upset again of course but we didn’t speak on it because I stopped speaking to you in a way and then in Mexico it was more me breaking you down. I just want you to understand that it’s not just me and you but we have a child now, and what we do now will affect our child and I want our child to have the best, I will do just that” I didn’t expect me to cry like that “I get it, you have always been fearful of having a deadbeat father for your kid, I know that was a fear of yours and I don’t blame you for it. I am not saying it will ever happen, but I promise you I would be the best dad to our kids, you know we going to have more so yeah” I smiled a little “I am taking you out by the way, tonight. I am paying” looking up at me “really?” he nodded his head “I got to make it up to you, I love you Robyn. I want you to understand that I ain’t ever going to let that happen again, I got burnt” I think he has realised that now.

I thought I would look cute, seeing as Chris is taking me out I want to impress my little date for the night so I am wearing an off the shoulder wrap midi dress in white, I think I look cute as hell so we shall see from his reaction. I do hope he takes me Giorgio Baldi, I am kind of missing that place. Watching my step as I made my way down the steps, I have been trying to keep myself away from the heels, but I feel cute today, my feet have kind of got better so I don’t want to be in heels because they are getting better “I hear you coming down now” I stopped walking staring at him “I am joking, wow twin. Oh wow, you look amazing omg!” he grinned stepping back, his reaction made me smile “you look so fucking good Robyn, wow! I mean can we swap the dinner part and just you know” making my way down the steps and to the bottom “to the what? Why, what is happening after dinner huh?” Chris laughed “joking, wow. You look so good, like look at you” he clasped his hands together staring me up and down “be quiet, is the Uber here?” seeing as his ass doesn’t know how to get an SUV “actually I know how to do it, it’s the SUV” he bit his bottom lip, he is feeling me I can see the look in his eye “well let’s go then, after you. Don’t keep a pregnant lady waiting” I am hungry as hell right now.

I proud of him that he can finally order the SUV, it’s not even hard either “where are you taking me?” I have a feeling but I still need confirmation “your place twin, I know there isn’t any other place you would rather go now” I grinned “thank you, I have missed that place” I am excited “you do look amazing, I am not even joking. Like there is plenty of pregnant women but nothing like you, can we take a picture?” nodding my head “I love all my fans, you know that” Chris shuffled over to me “but that means you stop posting me every morning, please. You’re torturing me now” Chris taking a selfie to me is hilarious, but I am going to let him have it, he raised his phone taking a selfie. Wrapping my arm around his to move in closer, he is terrible, but I won’t say it. I just turned my face and kissed his cheek, them angles are bad “that is it, that means sex now” moving my arm back “whatever” he moved away from me “I am going to put I met Rihanna, and after that I will stop the pictures” I smiled “thank god!” I spat, he chuckled looking down at his phone “can I touch your bump? It’s been a while” he asked me without even looking at me, his face in his phone “sure, why not” Chris looked over at me, he reached his hand over and placed it on my bump and I just felt butterflies “mega mind baking” I kissed my teeth, he ruined that.

I am happy, he is spoiling me. Taking me out, got me a chain. He has listened to me cry and has just listened to me, I am happy “you look so happy to be in this bitch, this place is mediocre” here he goes “stop” I mumbled “I wanted to speak to you about Mel by the way, I mean I know this is not about Mel but I want to just mention that she is not staying with us anymore, she will be getting her stuff soon, just until it is safe to do so. I am not upset she is going but I am upset on why she is, what you said to Mel was very hurtful and she felt it, Mel and I came from the same place, the same background. We came up together, just like you wanted to help your friends so did I, I took Mel with me everywhere so yes the only thing she knows is to support me, and when you said what you said it hit her hard because you’re not wrong she has dedicate herself to helping me, to always making sure I am ok, I have Jen yes, but Mel is my main. You know that and she feels very low about herself, I said it’s not like that don’t move but she is but I would appreciate it in your own time but to say sorry because nobody deserves those words, she was there for me. I needed someone there, she came all the way from Barbados, and then you said what you said. I am not taking sides, but I want both you and my sister to get along, I want her to know that my door is open and not closed to her, I feel she is depressed, and she has been speaking to Barry still for you, she helped you get out of this Chris. Barry wanted you to go down for it all, he had it all for you to go down, she talked him into not doing it. Sold herself short because he thought they was getting back together, they aren’t but she did that for you but also she knew I needed you, but please just think about it” that is a long ass line “she really did that?” Chris questioned “yes for you” he is shocked “I don’t want her to move out, that wasn’t my intention. I was just angry; I know how close you both are I always expect Mel there with you. I will sort it out, promise” I believe he will “that is mad respect for what she did for me, wow” I think he sees that she wasn’t that bad one.

Tilting my head to the side “you seem annoyed” he does look it, I know him well “just this person is taking pictures and videoing and it’s like annoying, you got up and they was doing it” nodding my head, I always know when someone is doing that “it’s normal, it happens” I shrugged it off “aye bro, why you taking pictures of my wife, like you done it constantly. Even when she walking, just stop” he called him out and the place fell awfully quiet, I didn’t look but just looked at Chris’ face “leave it now” placing my hand over his “leave it ok, I seen you ripped out the bedroom for the baby” changing the subject “oh yeah I did, oh I made a mistake and I thought you told your family about the sex of the baby” I groaned out “It’s just Rorrey” I blowing out air “mhmm it’s fine, I want to have a baby shower and expose what I am having then, it’s fine. But how do you feel? It’s not the boy you wanted” I know he kept saying that “erm, I guess excited. I am, I think it’s going to be the biggest blessing to me” he seems nervous, made me smile “at the scan she was so active, moving away a lot and then she was sucking her thumb, I felt she was stressed out” I put my head down “she is connected to you, I get it. she’s going to make me grow up even more, I know it” looking up at Chris “she is going to make us both grow” we both not perfect.

#fanfic #fanfiction #chriannaff #chrianna ff #chrianna #chrianna fanfiction

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kaahaani · 4 years ago

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I really enjoy your TKEM fanfics and headcanons. Would you consider writing/sharing some Lee Gon and Tae-eul headcanons? Perhaps about their wedding/first weeks as married/Tae-eul settling in as Queen - their dynamic and experience during that time? Thank no mattar what, for just writing and sharing your creativity!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I had a lot of fun with this one, but cut myself off because it got too long LOL. Basically most of my headcannons are scattered throughout my stories, but I went into detail below about things I don’t touch up on too much.

Tae-Eul randomly says “ask me again” on a random Sunday night when they’re in the Republic of Korea. She is dreading not seeing him for the week and doesn’t want to do it anymore. He automatically knows what she’s referring to and asks her to marry him, she says yes.

He cries because he’s been waiting for her to be ready, pretending that he wasn’t afraid that she’d never be ready to be his Queen.

Read more below the cut!

She insists her father knows about the Kingdom – that’s how Jeong Do-In ends up in the Kingdom in To Say That.

He slides the ring onto her finger when she falls asleep curled up into him, she laughs when she wakes up and whacks him, telling him that he’s supposed to ask before sliding it onto her finger. He points out that she already said yes so he’s just locking her in. They’re deliriously happy.

The two of them are always touching the ring and each other. Everyone in the palace is shook because they all know that Pyeha doesn’t like to be touched – and they have never seen him so happy or with a woman.

Lady Noh is ready to throw the wedding of the century, Tae-Eul is overwhelmed but she doesn’t complain too much because Lee Gon is happy and obviously the King will have a huge wedding.

Tae-Eul is overwhelmed with the media attention, skittish when people just surround her and yell for her attention. She doesn’t know where to look, how to look, how to deal with it – but Lee Gon is by her side, shielding her, whispering in her ear to soothe her, instructing the guards to keep the people away. She can’t get over the fact that her face is everywhere – every magazine, the TV, every website – just everywhere.

But whenever she gets overwhelmed Lee Gon is there to reassure her and whisk her away, he shows her parts of his world she couldn’t see while they were “hiding”.

Tae-Eul gets media training, etiquette classes and all these things she didn’t know Queens needed to know? But she adapts, learns how to look and smile so her pictures don’t turn out horrible, learns how to answer invasive questions, learns how to ignore multiple people yelling at her, learns how to sit so the media doesn’t comment on her posture.

Lee Gon is super proud of her but also misses little things like the way she used to stuff her face, or how she never held a cup so delicately, or the way she used to walk around - her gait rather manly and confident.

Lee Gon doesn’t agree with Lady Noh and Tae-Eul’s stylist – they put his woman in these ridiculous girly clothes that are just not her. She’s glad he says it because she was getting overwhelmed. He kicks them all out and they pick things she likes together without anyone’s input. But he’s definitely a fan of her now form-fitting clothing that don’t hide her body – and can’t keep her hands off of her – especially after he realizes the wardrobe upgrade comes with really pretty lingerie (he decides the stylist isn’t too bad after all).

Lee Gon tries to be her tutor – to teach her about the Kingdom, its history and current problems - but they always get distracted (*wink wink*) and Lady Noh makes them get a real tutor so Tae-Eul can actually learn.

She’s a quick study, and Lee Gon relents that maybe Liberal Arts students aren’t too bad after all, she hits him in the arm in front of all these people when he says it – scandalizing the palace.

By the time the wedding rolls around, the public loves Tae-Eul, Lee Gon is very vocal about his love for her and they can see it in their eyes. It’s like a fairytale to the public, a normal girl captures the King’s heart – the public is smitten with them because they’re so in love.

They also admire the policies she’s talked about – reforms in the prison system, changes to policing, women’s rights and health, focus on mental health and children’s health and education.

Lady Noh insists that they can’t see each other until the wedding on the day before the wedding. Lee Gon sits outside the door of her room and they spend half the night talking about how nervous they are through the door – their fingers entangled under the door. Lady Noh kicks him out at 1am when she happens to walk by and tells him to sleep while yelling oh my head, oh my heart, oh these kids.

On the day of the wedding everything is so grand and perfect but the two of them just have eyes for each other, they don’t care about the millions of flowers imported from around the world, the number of employees hired, the designers involved in their outfits, the cake, the food – nothing. They both only have eyes for each other. They couldn’t tell you what they did, who was there and what it looked like if it wasn’t for the videos they watched later. They’re always just looking at each other in the videos and it’s all live streamed so the Kingdom is like fangirling to the extreme because they’re so in love and it’s so obvious.

They disappear on a honeymoon in the Republic – for privacy reasons. Tae-Eul has always wanted to go to Greece, they spend two weeks exploring and engaging in licentious activities all around their rented villa. Lee Gon is obsessed with knocking her up.

When they return Tae-Eul settles into the role of Queen really well, she’s almost surprised. She loves the changes she can make with the power she has – her first task is reforming the police system, something she’s always had problems with

Her days are filled with engagements, Lee Gon tries to attend most of them with her at first, helping her adjust into the role – but also because they’re newlyweds and he just can’t stand leaving her. They basically act like horny teenagers and JY always catches in compromising positions.

They spend some nights just cuddled in the study talking about Kingdom affairs – helping Tae-Eul get a grasp of things better. She’s awed by how well he handles himself and he teaches her how to be diplomatic, how to avoid baiting questions, how to not express all your emotions on your face.

He disagrees with his strategists when they tell him the Queen needs to stop picking sides (she leans very liberal and is very outspoken about prison reform and women’s rights when this conversation comes up) but he tells them that she can do and say whatever she wants, she’s the Queen.

He’s her biggest fan but also her biggest critic behind closed doors though, always complimenting her when she does well but working with her on things she can improve on – but if anyone else says anything negative about her he gets so riled up. He buys out media outlets that are critical of her, purchases servers and domain names of blogs that are unfair, and even threatens parliament members who dare to speak against her publicly. He doesn’t care that it’s borderline tyrannical, no one touches his wife.

She joins him for all his favourite events – Story Time with King becomes Story Time with the King and Queen – Lady Noh now instigating the children to ask them when they’ll have their own children.

She enjoys attending sporting events with him and watching him row, throw the first ball or just play in a charity match - it’s very sexy.

They bicker and banter over random things - they try to keep it private but people who hear/know are still shocked at how the Queen talks to the King and how he just watches her with a fond smile and gives it right back to her.

He still cooks for her occasionally, she learns to give him the love and compliments he wants rather than acting aloof.

She’s sometimes so overwhelmed with love for him, he doesn’t measure and love her in bearable amounts, he’s just so in love with her that it blows her off her feet. And she loves him so much.

She takes on her own activities in conjunction with the Royal Affairs Office – focusing on the history, art and culture of the Kingdom (both to keep it alive and to learn about it)

She never gets used to people waiting on her, her husband is so used to it that he doesn’t care what he says around them but she’s always aware of the little smiles and giggles when he’s being outrageous

She hates being in the spotlight sometimes, really misses being normal – being able to blend into the crowd, go to a restaurant or anywhere on a whim, having the freedom to just get up and go anywhere. But the feeling goes as soon as it comes, all she needs is to see her husband’s face and it’s all worth it.

He feels guilty about all she left behind and always asks are you happy when his mind tells him she would have been happier with a normal life. She reassures him that she wouldn’t trade this life with him for anything - the little things she doesn’t like are NOTHING compared to all the things she loves.

#tkem #the king eternal monarch #kdrama #lee min ho #kim go eun #Anonymous #tkem headcannons #fanfic: to say that

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luvdsc · 3 years ago

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Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

#asks #jaeismytamtation

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marinaaniseed · 5 years ago

Text

Dark ‘n’ Stormy, Pt. 11

Summary: It’s the day after the stuffing chapter. New Asgard decides which system of government it wants. Not much smut, an awful lot of politics.

Length: 6.9k. A more sensible person than me might try to edit this down, but honestly, I feel like you’d all be horribly disappointed if I didn’t write all the words.

Warnings: Eh the usual. Kinky food stuff, smut, drinking, swearing, mental health wonkiness, Asgardian politics, body shaming, intrusive media, social media shittiness, uncomfortable family relationships, mentions of starting a family, mentions of dead characters, smutty pictures, some ridiculously long speeches that might give you feels. I think that’s it.

Notes: This chapter, quite literally, took months to write. Apologies, therefore, if it’s a bit disjointed or I contradict myself. This bad boy is now over 50k in total (!) It took a while, because I couldn’t quite decide how I wanted it to go. Also, writing a story a day for the entire year is quite time consuming and a really fucking terrible idea. Typos and errors are all my own but please alert me to anything spectacularly bad so I can fix. I’ve not given this any distance, so I am hella word-blind.

Also, one of you gets a mention :P

Need a reminder of what’s happened? Pt. 10 & the masterlist.

If you like what I do, please let me know.

It wasn’t the cockerels crowing that woke you, but the dogs excitedly greeting someone.

“Whuh time issit?” you mumbled into Thor’s hair, your hand resting on his still full tummy as you spooned the sleepy Thunder God.

“Too early.”

He wasn’t wrong. Groggily you pulled yourself away, rummaging around for something to throw on so you could investigate who your visitor was.

Opening the bedroom door, you spied the Valkyrie crouched down by the settee, rubbing Geri’s tummy.

“Why?” you asked, not really awake enough to form a proper question.

“Why what?” Valkyrie responded, continuing to fuss the dog at her feet.

“Why are you here? Now? At this godforsaken time?”

“Has Thor forsaken this time in particular?”

Your glare said it all.

“I jest, sorry. Have you been online? Checked your phone? Seen or heard the news?”

“For fuck’s sake, Brunnhilde,” you said, startling the dogs and finally rousing Thor, “I’ve literally just gotten up. Because of you. When would I have done any of that? And why does it matter?”

“I’ll make the coffee, you go get Thor.”

You’d barely turned and taken a step, when you collided with the solid mass that was your lover.

“What’s wrong? Why is the Valkyrie here?” he asked, holding you to his stomach.

“Not a fucking clue.”

You weren’t exactly a morning person. Even less so after a few cocktails, and when your awakening had been rude. Not the good kind of rude, either. Thor knew, from prior experience, that waking you unexpectedly was like deciding to disturb a wasp’s nest. Nothing good would come of it and it wasn’t something you’d likely repeat in a hurry. You were a surly, venomous grump, sure to sting whatever had disturbed you.

Either Brunnhilde was more foolhardy than he thought, or something was seriously wrong.

Brunnhilde returned to find you slouched on the settee, buried in Thor’s hoodie with the hood pulled up and over, almost to the point of covering your eyes, in a vain attempt at ignoring the world. The steaming mug of caffeine placed on the table next to you was met with a snort of derision, and it was with no small amount of trepidation that Thor sat next to you, before pulling you onto his lap. Maybe whatever had brought the Valkyrie would concern only him, and you could doze off against his chest.

“Did you enjoy your pizza last night?” Brunnhilde asked, breaking the frosty silence.

“Yes,” Thor smiled at the memory. “How did you know we had pizza?”

“That’s what brought me here. I’m sorry it’s so early.”

Why would pizza have brought her here, Thor wondered. Did she need a recipe? Did she have some left over? Was she planning to open a pizza place in New Asgard?

“Someone… someone, erm, they snapped some pictures of you. The two of you. In the restaurant. They must’ve recognised you.”

“So?” Thor queried softly, hoping that you had begun to return to sleep in his arms.

“Well, they sold them to some media people. You’re, erm, trending on Twitter. I wanted to tell you before you saw for yourselves, some of the reporting is… unflattering.”

Yeah. Thor could already picture it. Being fat and in the public eye was just a magnet for the worst kind of people.

“If they’ve worked out who Y/N is, it’s not been published yet, but it’s only a matter of time,” Brunnhilde continued.

“Ah, balls,” you said, finally joining the conversation.

“Indeed. A few months back, I asked some friends to do some digging on you. Don’t be alarmed, I just wanted to be prepared for the time when it eventually emerged that you and Thor were together. I didn’t find anything to be worried about in what they found on you, but I understand that there may be things that you’d prefer to stay private. The silence of those involved can be arranged, if you wish.”

There were certainly things in your past that you weren’t exactly proud of. You probably should’ve realised that you couldn’t stay under the radar forever.

“No, it’s ok. Don’t waste your resources, or those of your friends. I’ve been alive long enough to know that if the tabloid press thinks there’s a story, they’ll dig it up somehow. Or just make one up. I’ve done what I��ve done, and that’s the end of that. Anyone commenting on my life probably has stuff they’d rather keep secret,” you answered with a sigh.

“Very well. Do you want to read the dossier?”

“No, no. I’m sure it’s very thorough and accurate. Thor, do you want to read it?”

“Anything you wish to tell me about your past, you can tell me about yourself,” he answered, running his fingers through your hair. “Whatever you have done, it’s of no consequence. You’re here now, that’s all that matters. Some youthful follies could not reverse my love for you.”

You nuzzled your face into his chest hair to hide the tears you could feel beginning to sting your eyes.

“Is that all, Brunnhilde? May we return to bed?” Thor said.

“Yes, of course. Apologies once again for disturbing you. I just wanted you to hear it from a friend before you heard it elsewhere.”

You were fast asleep again by the time Thor gently laid you back on the bed. You must’ve been warm in his hoodie, the early rays of sunshine beginning to seep into the bedroom, but he didn’t want to disturb you. His mind was all over the place, so he decided to check the news on your tablet while you were tucked into his side.

Thor’s Hammered!

King of Ass-gard

Pizza Gut - Avenger destroys pizza buffet

Thor quickly put the tablet back down. It stung to read the words they wrote about him, but even worse was what they wrote about you. They didn’t know you, why did they get to judge you, speculate about who you were and why you were with him? You were just another name on the long list of loved ones he wasn’t able to protect.

Gingerly removing himself from your side, relieved when he didn’t wake you, Thor decided to sit back on the settee, letting Loki slither over him. The snake wasn’t as helpful as his brother, but he found it calming anyway.

15 minutes later, the sound of a message being received made him jump. Unlocking his old phone, he saw it was a message from Brunnhilde.

I know you said you didn’t want to know about Y/N’s past, but I think you might find this interesting…

There were several links at the bottom of the message. Thor didn’t want to pry, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t help but be curious as to what was that important that Brunnhilde had felt the need to send him a link.

Moving as quietly as he could, he returned to the bedroom to grab the tablet, before settling back down to see what had been sent.

Typing the address was a torturous process, his fingers weren’t quite dexterous enough to easily manipulate Midgardian devices, although he was becoming more careful with them. Still, he nearly dropped the tablet when he saw where the link took him to.

It was a gallery of pictures. Pictures of you, to be exact. You weren’t naked but it was obvious that these weren’t the kind of pictures you shared with friends or family. He’d heard about these kinds of sites, adult sites they were called. The model had a different name, but it was definitely you. No doubt about it.

Pictures of you in corsets that pushed up your breasts and cinched in your waist. Pictures of you with chokers around your throat. Some pictures where you wore clothing made of a strange material that seemed to fit you like a second skin. Some more where you wore beautiful lingerie in vibrant colours, brilliant blues and vivid violets.

The pictures on the next link were a little different. Leather gloves, ball gags, handcuffs. Fishnet stockings and knee-high leather boots. Why had he never seen any of these outfits? Carefully gripping the tablet with one hand, he moved the other inside the waistband of his pants, rubbing at the head of his excited cock.

For a split second, he considered what Brunnhilde had thought of these pictures. Had she shown them to Sif? What if they’d both enjoyed them?

His cock grew harder at the thought.

And he knew he should feel a little ashamed. You hadn’t mentioned these pictures, so it probably wasn’t something you were proud of, but he couldn’t help but look, hope that others had looked, and seen just how sexy you were.

He didn’t really understand the third link. That seemed to be a niche site. You were barely visible, clad in rain gear, and wrapped in heavy duty tape to secure you to a post.

But, Brunnhilde really had saved the best until last.

Bound, gagged, blindfolded. Eyes wide in another as you looked at the woman stroking your hair as you sat tied to the chair. If he had to be king, he’d insist on having a throne, just so he could recreate that image with you. Only, in his version, you’d be wearing a lot less clothes, his face between your thighs, eating you out until the only thing keeping you upright were the ropes that held you in your place.

It was funny. He’d not really enjoyed being in chains, in a cage, when he’d encountered Surtur. But the thought of you being bound, held captive while he pleasured you in all the different ways he knew how. Now, that was something he liked the idea of.

Freeing his cock, he began to stroke in earnest, the images he’d just seen and images of what he’d like to do to you fuelling his desire. The harder he thought of them, the harder he got, and the harder he pumped his fist.

His orgasm was explosive, and Loki hissed at him angrily. Geri and Freki perked up their ears to see what the fuss was about. He knew he should move and clean himself but he was comfy, he was relaxed, he could rest here for a moment or two.

***

Evidently it was more than a moment or two when he awoke to the sound of pans clanging around in the kitchen. There’s no way you couldn’t have seen him, and there’s no way he could pretend it was anything else. He’d fallen asleep with his cock out, the evidence crusted onto his tummy.

Tucking himself back into his pants, he approached the kitchen with caution.

“Good morning, my love,” he tried.

“Good afternoon,” you corrected. “Dare I ask?” you said, looking at his gut pointedly.

Nothing good would come of lying, so he tried his best to explain the truth.

“Ah, well, what happened was, you see, Brunnhilde sent me an electronic letter with some links on my phone. So I looked at them on the tablet,” he explained.

“Brunnhilde sent you porn?”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean maybe? The links were to pictures of you.”

“Ah,” you said, understanding. “Brunnhilde’s friends found those.”

“I suppose so, yes.”

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed them. I enjoyed doing them.”

Thor doesn’t ask for an explanation, doesn’t press you, doesn’t tell you about his fantasies. You’ll tell him when you want to, if you want to. He’ll tell you when you’re not trying to cook avocado eggs Benedict.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he mumbles before walking off to the bathroom. He’s glad that you’re not angry or upset, but he’s still embarrassed that you caught him in that position.

The shower is cold, but not cold enough to cool him down from his thoughts. Thoughts of those photos, thoughts of last night, and thoughts of what he’d like to do with you in the future. He could probably roll around on Jötunheimr and still feel too hot.

He’s quiet during brunch, but you don’t press him. You just hold his hand, silently telling him that everything will be alright.

You’d briefly checked your phone before Thor had woken up. There were so many notifications, you were afraid it might crash, and you’d put it back down again. Today was an historic day for New Asgard, you didn’t want to overshadow it by worrying about what Twitter trolls had to say about you. It keeps buzzing on the table next to you, and you continue ignoring it.

“Are you going to check that?” Thor asked. “It might be something important.”

“I don’t really want to, I’m afraid of what I might see,” you said.

“I understand, but the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Maybe just check if there is anything from your family. You don’t want it playing on your mind throughout the day.”

Thor’s right, and so with a resigned sigh, you picked up your phone and looked at your notifications, dismissing anything that wasn’t important.

A message from Sam on Skype that read I knew you had a thing for older men, didn’t realise you liked them THAT old ;-) now I know where you are, let me know when I can visit. Ignore the haters, they’re just jealous.

There was also an entire chain of emails from your mum, without a subject. She’d never quite gotten the hang of email.

Is this you/??>????? And then a link to a news website.

It is, isn’t it.

WHy didn’t you tell us. Where you were????

Your father is looking at flights.

He’s found some cheap ones with Ryanair, we’re coming over in a fortnight. Flying to Oslo. Charlie is coming too.

He can’t find anywhere to stay in New Asgard, are there no hotels????

Answer me.

“Ah, fuck,” you said, staring at down at your phone.

“What’s the matter?” Thor asked, worried that you’d seen something critical of you.

“My family knows where I am now, they’re coming to visit,” you mumbled. “In two weeks.”

“That’s wonderful news, I can’t wait to meet them,” Thor said, kissing your hand.

“Yeah,” you said doubtfully. You loved your family, but they could be tricky at times. They were hurt, of course, by your vagueness on the subject of your whereabouts. You already knew they were going to make some unintentionally hurtful comments, either about Thor, or about Alex, or both. They were also likely to do the same about you.

“Two weeks,” Thor mused, still enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting your family. “I think that gives me sufficient time to build a place for them to stay.”

It was lovely that he was excited by the prospect, but you groaned internally. Something told you that Thor was not going to have time for much if the vote went the way you thought it would.

“I’ll tell them we can accommodate them somewhere,” you said, firing off a quick email. “Now, let’s forget about this and focus on the task at hand. Brunnhilde wanted us there no later than two, that only gives us an hour.”

***

At 2:10 you arrived at the mead hall, Thor in his full regalia, you in the dress he’d gifted you for the May Day feast. Geri and Freki loping along behind you. You went to add the one remaining cake to the long table of food, while Brunnhilde intercepted Thor.

“Is everything alright, after this morning?” she asked him.

“Yes, I think so. Y/N is strong, although her family have elected to visit. That seems to have shaken her,” Thor sighed.

“It must be hard to face someone you thought was dead, even if you love them, once you’ve been through the grieving process,” Brunnhilde noted.

“It is.” Thor knows it’s hard, he went through it enough times with Loki, but he’d do anything to have his brother back. Or his mother, father.

There are flowers everywhere. Bouquets on tables, bunting hanging from the rafters, and people everywhere with flower crowns on their heads. Thor’s pleased with how well they’ve turned out. He makes a note to thank everyone involved, as well as to the plants for blooming so abundantly for him. There was something very satisfying about growing things and tending to them, becoming one with nature.

He’s not surprised when you return with a flower crown, plus one each around the dog’s necks. He doesn’t think they’ll last long, which is why he’d made sure to cultivate flowers that wouldn’t make the dogs sick when they inevitably tried to eat them. Thor particularly likes how you look with your flower crown. He’s seen you wear one before, of course, but they really do suit you. He hopes that if he has to be king, then perhaps one day you’ll wear a different kind of crown.

“Hello, Brunnhilde. Apologies for our lateness. I didn’t grab a crown for you but if Thor doesn’t want this one, I’m sure you can have it,” you offered, holding out the wreath.

“That’s quite alright, I’m not really one for crowns,” Valkyrie answered with a small shake of her head. “I’ll leave you two to mingle, just don’t be late for the vote announcement.”

“We won’t,” Thor assured her, knowing full well that they won’t start without him. “I fear this may not be the only crown I accept today,” he continues, taking the flowers from you and placing them on his head.

“I’m sorry,” you said, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “I’ll support you, no matter the outcome.”

Thor knows this, and he’s glad of it. He’s still not comfortable with being in charge, quite content with his life, building things, tending to the plants, and playing with his animals. But at least he doesn’t have to do it alone. After Loki died, he was so very alone. Korg and Miek were great, but there was something missing in his life, a much closer form of companionship that he’d finally found again.

“Let us mingle, I’m sure there are many children who will be glad to pet the dogs,” Thor said, looping his arm with yours at the elbow.

*** By the time it gets to the hour of the announcement, Geri and Freki have had their bellies rubbed by seemingly every child in New Asgard, much to their delight.

A little boy had brought you a small posy of flowers, and was extra pleased when Thor held him in his strong arms and let the child place the flowers in Thor’s beard. It’s very haphazard, and a little one-sided but Thor’s pleased with the end result, when you show him in your pocket mirror.

It makes him ache desperately to have a child - well, children - of his own. He thinks about what kind of uncle Loki would’ve been.

Hopefully he wouldn’t have stabbed them.

It’s too hot in the mead hall. Thor’s been trying to drink slowly, aware that he’s drinking out of nerves more than anything.

Dutch courage, you’d called it. Allegedly, Dutch soldiers had drunk jenever before going into battle. Thor considered that a little risky. Drinking was best done after battle, being clumsy while handling a weapon didn’t strike him as the best strategy. Then again, it seemed to work fine for Brunnhilde. It didn’t really happen to him, but supposed many people got nervous before a fight.

Thor knew you had a Dutch friend, a teacher. He wondered if they might bring jenever with them if they ever came to visit?

Bruce came over, crowds of Asgardians parting easily for his bulky frame.

“Hey buddy,” he said, hugging Thor. “Are you ready?”

“About as ready as I’ll ever be,” Thor answered. A few years ago, he’d thought he was ready. Had almost been crowned king.

He never thanked Loki for royally screwing that up. It was only now, with hindsight, that he could appreciate the favour his brother had inadvertently done him.

“It’s time,” Bruce told Thor, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Thor looks back at you, but you shake your head. This is an Asgardian matter. Your place is at the back with Geri and Freki, not onstage with Asgard’s elite.

“Do you know?” Thor asked Bruce, desperately.

“No Thor. Even if I did, I couldn’t tell you,” Bruce noted. “Whatever happens, you have people that care about you. It won’t be like it was before.”

Thor joins Valkyrie, Sif and several others onstage. Bruce waves his hands, dampening down the crowd that buzzes like a hornet’s nest. Despite all the assurances, this is still a volatile situation and Bruce says a silent prayer that everything works out for the best.

“Thank you all,” Bruce addressed the crowd. “Thank you for trusting in the process and for allowing us, as outside observers, to count all of your votes. No system will be perfect, but we hope that you will all respect the outcome, whatever it may be. It took three rounds of voting for an option to gain over 50% of the vote. I’ll now hand over to Captain America, who has the results.”

Bruce steps down, stands to the right hand side of the stage as Sam steps forward. Anticipation builds around the room, like static during a storm. Sif holds hands with both Thor and Valkyrie, holding in a breath as she waits to see which of the people she cares about most will draw the short straw of heading Asgard.

She fervently hopes that the people will have chosen another option, but she doubts it. Most Asgardians fell on one side of the divide or the other - traditionalists who wanted to continue the existing royal family, and those who felt that Brunnhilde was the best leader amongst those left.

“Thank you, Bruce,” Sam said, grateful that someone the Asgardians were familiar with had addressed them first. “The result is very close, but let me assure you, it is accurate. We counted every single ballot ten times, just to ensure there was no discrepancy. With 50.8% of the vote, the people of Asgard have chosen the option of an octarchy.”

The room erupted with people cheering, complaining, or otherwise chatting with people about what it all meant. Sam waited for the commotion to die down before continuing.”

“Furthermore, the proposed solution, as outlined within the election materials is that Thor, son of Odin.” Sam paused, Thor’s full title sounding odd coming out of his mouth, but that was what the piece of paper he was holding said. “Thor, son of Odin, shall rule as king, and head of state.”

Thor paled visibly and your heart went out to him, glad that Sif was holding his hand.

“Succession will be a matter of blood, as it has always been, unless Thor shall have no issue. In that event, the people of Asgard will once again convene to decide how they wish to be governed. Brunnhilde, of the Valkyrior, shall serve as his second in command. She will rule in his absence or if he is incapacitated, if Thor does not have an heir of legal age.”

Sam shook his head. He shouldn’t have let Bucky write the speech, he should’ve known his metal-armed partner would try to stitch him up with flowery Asgardian language. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Bucky smirking, standing next to Bruce. Sam makes a mental note to put on his suit later, pick Bucky up, and drop him in the North Sea.

“The other six members of the council will be chosen as follows. Thor, son of Odin, and Brunnhilde, of the Valkyrior, shall each choose one. Two more shall be elected by the people of Asgard. The final two shall be selected at random in a lottery of all citizens who have come of age. These positions shall be reviewed every ten years, unless circumstances, or the will of the people dictate otherwise.”

The place descends into chaos, even the dogs start barking at all the noise, and it only stops when the valkyrie gets to the front of the stage and lets out an ear-piercing screech. Everyone stops what they’re doing and looks at her, wincing.

“Settle down everyone, settle down,” she shouted. “I respect this result, just as I said I would, and I pledge to serve both Asgard and its king to the best of my ability, as long as I am able to do so. I would like to thank you for your trust and patience during the time in which I served as Asgard’s caretaker. I know that not all of you were happy with the situation, but I hope I served you well. There is one among us, who I would like to nominate for inclusion on the council. However, I am aware that some of you may feel it is a conflict of interests. As many of you are aware, the Lady Sif and I are in love. She is my nomination if you will accept her.”

Raucous applause erupts. Sif is well liked, and most people are pleased to have her helping to steer Asgard’s course, even if she’s a little too eager to head into battle at times.

“Very well, I thank you all for your trust,” the valkyrie continued. “While I have the floor, there is one more thing I wish to do. I was going to do it later, but I think now is best, to declare my love in front of all those I serve.”

This time it’s Sif’s turn to go pale, as the Valkyrie sinks to her knees, turning back to Sif.

“Lady Sif,” Brunnhilde began. “I have lived long and travelled far, and there is no beauty that can compare to yours. Your love shines brighter than any star, and I am a better person for you sharing it with me. I have no title or riches to give you. This is but a small trinket, for I have already given you the greatest gift I have to give, which is my heart. I would be honoured if you would accept this ring as a token of my love, as is the custom on much of Midgard, and agree to be my wife.”

Sif is openly sobbing, and Thor’s not sure he’s ever seen her cry before. Scores more around the room wipe away tears as Sif slowly moves forward, allowing the Valkyrie to slip the ring onto her finger. Once it’s in place, Sif takes Brunnhilde’s hands and pulls her up, embracing her tightly and kissing her fiercely to a chorus of cheers.

It’s a wonderful sight, and you’re glad that there’s something for Asgard to celebrate, even if the vote didn’t go everyone’s way. Your throat goes dry as Thor nervously makes his way to the front of the stage to speak.

“Hello everyone. Apologies if I seem nervous, it has been many years since I last addressed so many,” he said, fiddling with the hem of his cloak. It’s far too hot to be wearing it, but he’d insisted that this was an important occasion and that he should dress accordingly.

“My congratulations to the Lady Sif and the Lady Brunnhilde. Theirs is an excellent union, and I wish them an eternity of happiness together.”

Thor waits until the cheering dies down before continuing.

“I, too, respect and honour the results of this vote. No man can outrun his destiny, and it seems mine will always be to rule Asgard as its king, even though I feel ill-equipped to do so. Fate apparently wills it so. I have not led Asgard well these last few years, and I apologise for that from the bottom of my heart. I have been remiss in my duties. I know that some of you do not trust that I have changed, but I give you my solemn word that I have. That I will act for the good of Asgard, and the other eight realms, as long as there is life in my breast.”

The entire room draws a collective gasp as Thor sinks to one knee. Panic sets in. This can’t be happening. Surely he’s not about to propose as well?

“I kneel before you, as your humble servant,” Thor continued, and you sighed in relief. “Too long, the people of Asgard have knelt before the throne. No more. I kneel before you all, and ask for your forgiveness. I am not the man I was, but I hope with time, that I will become someone better, someone worthy of the position that I find myself in.

“Asgard is not a place, it is a people. My father told me that, and I see now how true it is. I thank each and every one of you for trusting and believing in Asgard, in each other, when I did not trust or believe in myself. Together, you have created something strong and beautiful. I thank you for sharing it with me. You have rebuilt, you have shown incredible strength and fortitude.

“I am sorry for abandoning you. It is the most dishonourable and cowardly thing I have ever done. I asked the Valkyrie to rule in my stead, because I felt she was the best person for the job. I am truly sorry for abandoning Asgard in her hour of need. Thank you, all of you. Thank you for preserving our traditions and stories. Thank you for building a new home for us all. Thank you to everyone who has helped today. Baking delicacies, creating flower crowns, playing music. All that you do, on this day and every day, to ensure that we survive, that our culture survives, is appreciated by me.

“I hope to be able to thank you all individually, but please understand, it may take me some time. I kneel before you, as your king, humbled by the faith you still place in me. I shall work to rule as a king of the people, not above them. The throne should not be an untouchable pedestal on which I am put.

“Although I do not have a crown, I kneel before you, ready to serve Asgard, completely and unreservedly.”

“About your crown,” a voice called from the stunned crowd, as all eyes turned to look at Lorelei. She walked slowly through them, people parting for her, before she stopped in front of the stage, directly in front of Thor.

“When Hela attacked, many of us realised that Asgard was in peril. As we fled the city, some of us gathered up important artefacts. I apologise for keeping this from you, your majesty, but there never seemed to be an opportune moment…” she trailed off, reaching into a leather satchel, slung low against her hip.

Several people fainted, as with trembling hands, she pulled a crown from it.

“My-my father’s crown,” Thor mumbled, stunned.

“Yes, your majesty,” Lorelei explained. “I apologise again for keeping it secret, but you had already lost so much, I did not wish to remind you of your father. I have kept it safe, all these years. I believed that one day, you would be restored to the throne. I believed that day would be today.”

With trembling fingers, she reaches out the crown as Thor lowered his head. Tears were running down his face, into his beard, for everyone to see as he sat back up, slowly rising to his feet.

A collective sense of shock reverberated around the room, and you anxiously stroked your two dogs, who sat flanked you on either side.

“Thank you, good Lady Lorelei. This truly is an extraordinary gift. I thought I would never see this again, let alone wear it. I do wonder, now, what else was saved from Asgard, but that is a matter for another time,” Thor advised. “I have but one more matter to discuss, before it is time to feast. There is much to celebrate this day, and I hope it is one that will long be remembered.”

Thor paused, taking a moment to look around the hall. His friends, his people looking up at him. It filled him with a tiny spark of confidence that everything would work out fine this time, unlike when he had told Loki it would, all those years ago, after Asgard was destroyed.

“Like the Lady Brunnhilde, I too have someone I wish to nominate to the council. Like her, this person is one who is very dear to me,” he noted, looking across the heads of everyone to look you in the eye.

Thousands of heads turned to face you as you froze, wishing the ground would swallow you up.

“I wish to nominate the Lady Y/N. She has done so much for Asgard, though her time with us has been short so far,” Thor admitted. “As an outsider, I believe she has much knowledge and wisdom to offer us about Midgard, its people, and their customs. Her counsel is invaluable to me, and I would like to offer her a place at this table, if there are no objections.”

Deathly silence descends, everyone waiting for someone to say something.

“A wise appointment, your majesty,” Leifr spoke up, and a chorus of cheers echoed around the room.

“It is settled then,” Thor exclaimed happily. “The other four positions shall be determined in due time, but now I say it is time to eat, drink, and dance our fill. There is much to celebrate as we enter into a proud new chapter in Asgard’s history.”

Everything was a blur for several hours as you try to process exactly what’s happened. Thor being king again was something you expected, and he seems to be taking it well. His speech was genuinely moving and you could see many Asgardians visibly softening to him as he spoke.

But appointing you to be one of Asgard’s eight rulers?

No. No no no. This could not be happening. You didn’t belong here, didn’t want that kind of responsibility.

Judging by the way people keep congratulating you, it definitely is happening. You barely have an appetite, pushing your food around, eating small amounts whenever Thor prompts you to try this dish or that.

It had been a productive few hours for the other three newly instated rulers. Between them, they’d managed to hash out a plan for getting the other council members appointed. They’d even found time to draft a press release with Pepper, covering the events of the day. The world media would be taken aback. New Asgard had never released any information before. Along with the details of the election, Pepper had made sure to note that the new rulers would be willing to engage with journalists going forward to ensure transparency about what the kingdom was doing, but that they would not interact with any outlet that did not respect Asgardian privacy or engaged in hurtful gossip about them.

Apparently, the prince of another country, and his wife, had done something similar a few years prior.

You sit completely zoned out, a zombie. Utterly alone while surrounded by people. Geri and Freki lie protectively at your feet, aware that something is wrong.

Even Thor can sense that something is amiss. You’re paying no attention to him eating increasingly absurd portions. He even mentioned that he was getting full and you just nodded politely, a slightly vacant smile plastered to your face. You didn’t even try to touch his stomach, where it sat pressed up against the table.

Eventually, Sam manages to make his way over, whispering in Thor’s ear. You’re dimly aware that they’re talking about you, by the way Thor keeps glancing nervously in your direction.

“Let us go for a walk,” he said, standing up and tugging at your elbow. “Young Sam said that you look like you could do with some fresh air.”

Moving on autopilot you follow him, Geri and Freki loping along behind you. He leads you down to the beach, the sun setting in the distance as Thor gently maneuvers you into sitting down on a driftwood log.

“Are you quite alright?” Thor asked, running his fingers up your bare arms as he crouched awkwardly in front of you. “You seem distant, distracted.”

“This is all just very overwhelming,” you said, looking at your hands where they rested in your lap.

“I agree, much has happened today. We can return home, if you wish?”

“Why did you appoint me to the council?” you whispered, voice shaking. “I don’t know if I’ll still be here in ten years. What if we split up? I don’t belong here, I’m not Asgardian. I don’t want this responsibility, I’m not qualified, I don’t want to do this.”

Thor’s heart sank and he let out a sad sigh, finally sitting on the soft sand, his hefty stomach making it hard to keep his balance while he crouched. He’d done it again. He’d thought only of what he wanted and hadn’t consulted you. He’d upset you, ruining your evening.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, tipping your chin up to make you look at him. “That was thoughtless and selfish of me, I should have consulted you before announcing my plan. Today has been trying for you, and you were already anxious and upset. I’m truly sorry for burdening you further.”

“I know you didn’t mean to Thor, but I’m so scared and sad.”

“Oh my love, no. I really am such an oaf,” Thor said sadly, pulling you into the small amount of lap he had left. If he kept on like this, he was going to really struggle to hold you like this soon.

He wants to kiss your lips, to kiss away all the hurt and worry he sees in your eyes, to kiss it better like his mother used to kiss his and Loki's scrapes and grazes. But he lets you bury your face in his shoulder. All he can do is cuddle you while you cry, chest heaving against his, while he rubs little circles onto your back, mumbling apologies all the while.

“I’m so sorry. I never meant to upset you, to make you scared or anxious. I can see that I was mistaken, even though I only meant it as a good thing, as a compliment to your character and your intelligence. I truly know of no other in the whole of Asgard more capable than you, not even Brunnhilde,” Thor explained. “You are wise for one so young, and far more learned than any of us when it comes to this land we find ourselves in. Please, allow me to apologise unreservedly for the hurt I’ve caused. Allow me to make it right, allow me to pick another to serve in your place.”

You're so silent, shaking in his arms. It hurts Thor in a way he’s not felt since his father banished him. What if he's finally gone too far? What if this is the thing that pushes you away from him?

It scares him more than the thought of Thanos returning once more.

“A trial,” you said softly, as you raise your head.

“Pardon?” Thor asked.

“Until the end of the year, I will serve for a trial period. But if at the end of that time, I still don’t want to do it, then you must replace me, without any reservations.”

“Of course, of course. Are you absolutely sure?”

“No,” you admit. “But I am willing to try. I trust you. I trust you not to force me into anything I can’t handle. I’m humbled that you and your people have accepted me, and are prepared to give me this chance. I know it’s a great honour. So I will try to repay that trust that you have, I will try to serve Asgard, even if it doesn’t come easily to me.”

“No one who seeks power or has it come easily to them should ever be allowed to wield it,” Thor noted, rubbing his nose against yours. “Thank you, my love for agreeing to try this. I will honour your request should you change your mind at any point. I admit, I was scared that I had lost you, that my foolishness had driven you away.”

“You’ll have to do more than that to get rid of me,” you laughed wetly, wiping your face on the back of your hand.

“That’s good news, although I hope never to test that theory,” Thor told you, relieved. “Do you wish to return to the hall? I’m sure you could persuade me to have some more wine and sweet treats. As you can see, I am not quite at capacity,” Thor teased, moving your hands under his tunic to touch his taut tummy.

“I think I would like to head home. I’m emotionally exhausted and I just want to faceplant into your tummy and go to sleep.”

“Also an excellent plan,” Thor admitted, standing up with your still in his arms.

“I’m not too tired to walk,” you tried to insist, looking down at your bemused dogs as they trailed alongside the gentle giant carrying you.

“I know that, I just wanted to hold onto you some more.”

Thor’s going to be extra affectionate for the next little while, still reeling from the feeling of almost losing you. Now he finally has something to lose again, he’s resolutely determined not to let it happen.

@innerpaperexpertcloud @morganhoran1671

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