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thebibliomancer · 1 year ago

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Essential Avengers: Evolutionary War

1988

Oh, shit. Evolutionary War.

So at some point. Uh, at this point. Marvel decided to try a new thing to make their annuals more exciting.

The idea was that all the annuals would tell one story, one big story. Basically a company wide crossover without crossing over. A story so big that it would touch every hero or team that had an annual, even if they didn’t interact with the other heroes/teams.

So we get Evolutionary War.

The High Evolutionary has been around since the 60s. Mostly he just wants to make furries in peace. And you know what? Power to him. He’d have loved the internet.

Then he wanted to make a copy of Earth except no superheroes and also Adam Warlock was around as a Jesus allegory.

Uh, power to him?

I dunno. I liked the Evolutionary’s earlier stuff better. His later stuff gets weird. And he keeps being involved with Wanda and Pietro Maximoff but changing his mind on how involved he is.

At some point, the Beyonders steal his pet project Counter-Earth and put it in a museum and that just depressed the High Evolutionary so much that he turned into goo.

We’ve all been there.

But now he’s back with a new project. And since its called Evolutionary War, I imagine its not consumer friendly.

Consider instead making an Evolutionary Thermos.

Anyway. There are eleven annuals in this event. For books I don’t cover and have no desire to deep dive into for the sake of this post.

If I were to cover every annual in full, this event would take more of my time than Secret Wars did. But also, if I just cover the Avengers related stuff, that’s most of the story I’m leaving out.

So I’ll cover the West Coast and East Coast Avengers Annuals as I would normally. And I’ll cover in brief the relevant parts of the other annuals.

And I used the cover for Avengers Annual #17 because I’ve seen it used as the iconic image of Evolutionary War. And for a reason. Its the best cover of the bunch. Fight me.

We start our war with

X-Factor Annual #3: UNNATURAL SELECTION

In brief, X-Factor was a reunion book of the original five X-Men. It required bringing Jean Grey back to life which made Chris Claremont a bit sore. Also, since there was already X-Men and New Mutants, X-Factor distinguished itself by having a stupid premise.

The original five X-Men pretended to be a group called the X-Terminators who were mutant hunters. But really, they were a team called X-Factor and saved the mutants they were pretending to hunt. What does the factor stand for? Fuck you is what. X team names don’t have to make sense. Go to your room.

The premise of the comic was so stupid, X-Factor eventually realized that mutant hating business manager Cameron Hodge had made it up to worsen human-mutant relations.

X-Terminators itself later spun out into a new book because spinning out into new books is what X-books are best at. Did the new X-Terminators x-terminate people? I dunno. They were mostly kids and young adults so one hopes not.

Anyway, enough delay.

We’re past the fake mutant hunters thing and into the public mutant heroes. X-Factor thwarted an attack by Apocalypse and jacked his ride so now the fickle public loves them.

While rebuilding the Empire State Building from the attack, Jean Grey Marvel Girl (why not Marvel Woman, Jean?) senses a psychic scream FROM DEEP IN THE EARTH.

(In addition to Jean hearing it, several other psychically sensitive characters do. Mostly X-characters and also Franklin Richards but Dr Druid is also in the lineup. Which meas this is in the period before he falls into a time hole. So once again Dr Druid is here for some reason.)

The scream came from the Moloid caverns.

A group of armored men called the Purifiers are attacking the Moloids and Tryannoids. They’ve been ordered by their master (the High Evolutionary, ‘natch) not to use more violence than is necessary. But he’s still ordering a genocide because the Purifiers are using sterilizing rays and sterilizing baths to try to prevent the Moloids from reproducing any further.

Eugenics!

Dammit, the High Evolutionary! Go back to making furries!

X-Factor makes their way down to the caverns and winds up first fighting the Moloids as they don’t trust any strangers right now but then making peace with their leader, a mutant Moloid later called Val-Or. He can psychically direct the otherwise pretty passive Moloids. X-Factor helps him fight against the Purifiers when they swing back around.

Apocalypse also detected the scream but figures out that the High Evolutionary is behind everything and goes up to his space station to pay him a visit/beating/philosophical debate.

While both Apocalypse and the High Evolutionary claim to be working towards encouraging the evolution of humanity into something greater, they differ heavily on methods and timescale.

Apocalypse has been “guiding” humanity for thousands of years. Causing war and strife to encourage humanity grows strong.

Apocalypse: “You, superbly intelligent as you are, immortal as you are, powerful as you are... have existed for a mere instant of humanity’s past. I am as old as man... and time has taught me patience. You have that to learn.”

He considers the High Evolutionary’s plans to sterilize those he deems genetically unfit to be unnatural selection. HEY, TITLE DROP.

The High Evolutionary argues: “In less than a single lifetime, I have devolved to less than animal... and evolved to become like unto a god. I have seen where humanity is going... and on its own... it will advance... and then it will stop, as I have stopped. In controlling humanity’s destiny, I offer it a chance to become more than it can be.. by giving it a... boost.”

Apocalypse deduces that for some reason, the High Evolutionary is rushing towards his goals. He chalks it up to the impatience of youth. Because Apocalypse is super old. He would say that.

But he teleports the High Evolutionary to the Moloid caverns and shows him the Moloids and X-Factor vs the Purifiers.

For all that the Evolutionary judged the Moloids an evolutionary dead end, incapable of changing, too passive and pliant, Val-Or is something he would have overlooked in his haste.

The High Evolutionary tries to dismiss Val-Or as an animal lashing out instinctively but he has to concede the point when Apocalypse claims that the strife the Purifiers brought hastened Val-Or’s growth.

With his Purifiers being overwhelmed by the Moloids and X-Factor, the High Evolutionary teleports them to safety to continue his plans elsewhere.

The High Evolutionary: “The plan isn’t over. In fact... it has barely begun! And soon... soon... the entire Earth will feel the shaping hand of the High Evolutionary.”

So at the end of the first part of this Evolutionary War, we know that the High Evolutionary is in some kind of hurry. That he’s using Purifier troops to sterilize groups he doesn’t feel have evolutionary potential. And that he’s making some bad judgements.

Next,

Punisher Annual #1: EVOLUTIONARY JIHAD

Wait, Punisher in involved?

Geez, I think that shows one of the flaws of the tell one story with all the annuals approach. Evolutionary War does not seem like something that would impact Punisher a lot.

I guess I’ll see as I dig in.

The Punisher’s status quo is that he’s the Punisher. He shoots criminals to death with guns.

You don’t need to know a lot to know the Punisher.

Anyway, in this annual, he’s tracking down El Caiman, a drug kingpin in Bogota.

He absolutely did not expect to be attacked by a heavily armored man. His machine gun fire just bounces off the armor but Punisher is able to knock the armored goon over with a grenade and interrogate him.

The man claims that Punisher is on a list.

Eliminator: “We’re headed for the ultimate goal of human aspiration! And to get there, we have to weed out the junkies and the crazies, and you’re both!”

Huh, okay. So the Purifiers to sterilize populations the High Evolutionary deems dead ends. And the Eliminators to get rid of individuals within viable populations who would hamper the Evolutionary’s goals.

Sure.

More of the Eliminators show up and Punisher decides he’s not armed enough for this. He happened to save a girl in the firefight and she takes him to her dad... El Caiman.

They’re both being targeted so decide to make an alliance until the Eliminators are taken care of.

Punisher and El Caiman retreat to his drug farm where he has better weapons.

There’s a lot of Punisher shooting things and blowing up things and shooting other things but he gets to the last Eliminator.

The Last Eliminator: “The High Evolutionary! He will lead the human race to the next great plateau of achievement! But first we must eliminate all drugs and other genetic pollutants -- as well as anyone who stands in our way!”

Anyway, Punisher kills that guy too.

And El Caiman too when the drug lord decides to try to kill Frank before Frank can kill him. Then Punisher takes the drug lord’s daughter and begins looking for a way out of the jungle.

A very Punisher story. With a bit of tying into the big event.

Hm. You know, the High Evolutionary doesn’t seem short on finding people to hire that are big into eugenics. With a lot of supervillain mooks, you have to figure that the pay or benefits are worth getting punched by Captain America or whatever. But all the High Evolutionary’s men seemingly follow his ideals or just love having an excuse to kill people.

Next,

Silver Surfer Annual #1: ADAM

Silver Surfer context! He was finally released from his long imprisonment on Earth after doing Galactus a solid. Since then, he’s been having a lot of space adventures involving the Elders of the Universe trying to kill Galactus out of jealousy of him being older and also the Skrull/Kree War heating up again.

How could Evolutionary War have anything to do with him when he’s in space?

Well, Mantis was traveling around with him but she died. She didn’t really because she was telecommuting from Earth by making a body out of plants. But Silver Surfer thinks she died so he’s coming to Earth to find her son, the supposed Celestial Messiah.

Okay but what does Silver Surfer have to do with the Super-Skrull? Or the Eternals?

Well.

The High Evolutionary pops into the Eternal city of Olympia and claims that he’s a lot like the Celestials because they all like fucking with evolution and anyway, now that he’s buddies with the Eternals, do you mind doing him a favor and mapping the Silver Surfer’s DNA for the good of all mankind?

I assume because the Eternals had committed to trying to improve humanity in the Eternals book, they agree.

When the Silver Surfer arrived on Earth, the Super-Skrull popped into existence due to stuff that had earlier happened in Surfer’s book. The Super-Skrull is a fighty bastard so he starts fighting Silver Surfer but then both get caught by the Eternals.

They ask the Silver Surfer if he’ll voluntarily let his DNA be mapped but he has a big

to say to that.

So they just decide to force him. And fuck it. The High Evolutionary didn’t ask them to DNA scan the Super-Skrull but might as well do him too.

Super-Skrull learns that all Skrulls have lost their shape-shifting and that the Skrull empire has broken up into squabbling factions AND that the Skrull/Kree War is heating up again and feels despair. But Silver Surfer convinces him that they can work together to escape the DNA scan so that Super-Skrull can go back to his people because he still has his shapeshifting and maybe that can be used to fix everyone else’s.

They break free, there’s a fight scene, and Silver Surfer helps Super-Skrull escape by holding back the Eternals.

Then he convinces the Eternals to leave him the fuck alone and flies off to investigate what the hell the High Evolutionary is up to.

We don’t learn much more about that ourselves. The High Evolutionary claims that he’s studied all the peoples on Earth (humans, Eternal, deviants) but that he wants to study humanoids too. But makes it specifically about the Silver Surfer.

Does he want the Evolutionary War to make it so all humans possess the Power Cosmic? Who can say at this point.

Moving along.

New Mutants Annual #4: MIND GAMES

The New Mutants!

They are Mutants who are newer than the old mutants but not to be confused with the New X-Men who were newer than the original X-Men.

While the New Mutants studied and trained at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, their teacher was Magneto. Sort of the grand result of Claremont’s redemption arc of Magneto, where he took over for Xavier when Xavier had to go to space and be with his space girlfriend. At least until editorial pressure had Magneto turn supervillian again. But we’re not there yet! Although we’re nearly there because it happens after Inferno!

(Well it was editorial pressure and also the fact that the New Mutants were lemmings who were mad Magneto wouldn’t let them endanger themselves so snuck out under his nose and endangered themselves, and got mad at Magneto when they died of it. The New Mutants drove him back to supervillainy. Its quite sad.)

BUT WE’RE BEFORE THAT!

In this issue, the New Mutants sneak out under his nose and endanger themselves after he directly tells them not to, that he’ll handle the situation.

Anyway, we’re introduced to a new part of the High Evolutionary’s weird, evolution-based plan.

A group of his Purifiers are focused not on sterilizing Moloids but on the removal of dangerous mutant powers.

The High Evolutionary: “Those powers that will endanger the survival of the human race must be removed... if my great plan for humanity’s advancement is to succeed.”

The Purifiers track down and capture a pair of mutants named Glow Worm and Bulk because they’re highly radioactive and that just won’t do.

The High Evolutionary hopes that they survive the depowering process but he’s not going to not have it done. And indeed, removing their powers doesn’t remove the radiation they already have. So now they’re dying of radiation.

One of the Purifiers points out that this is a much worse death than just shooting them would have been. WHICH HE’S FINE WITH. He just wanted to point it out. But the High Evolutionary avoids killing wantonly. Supposedly.

Depowering dangerous mutants becomes the New Mutant’s problems when the Purifiers capture their ex-teammate Amara Aquilla aka Magma from Nova Roma (a secret roman colony in the Amazon unless its not. It goes back and forth.)

Magma’s powers to cause earthquakes and volcanoes and inability to control it perfectly bring her to the Purifiers attention.

The Hellfire Club and Magneto plan to go handle it but the New Mutants decide pssh those adults aren’t shit. Lets go endanger ourselves.

The New Mutants do save Magma from the depowering machine but then Moonstar gets thrown into the machine instead and almost dies but Glow Worm and Bulk turn the switch the other way and make Moonstar’s powers even more powerful instead.

The depowering machine gets smashed and Illyana winds up teleporting the entire group of Purifiers to very demon infested Limbo so the Purifiers won’t narc on them when Magneto and co show up late to the party.

The ones that the kids didn’t send to hell get teleported to safety by the High Evolutionary as he did in the X-Factor Annual.

And now,

Amazing Spider-Man Annual #22: DRUG WAR RAGES

Holy shit, Speedball was introduced in Evolutionary War?

Spider-Man annuals are always introducing new characters to try to give them a little boost out the door so its good to see that not even being roped into a big event will stop that.

Spider-Man is Spider-Man. If it helps, Peter and MJ are married. The Webs book of Peter’s Spider-Man photography comes out. Venom was only recently introduced. Spider-Man!

We actually have some influence from another annual in this event. The big linked story is actually acting like a linked story! Wild, I know.

Specifically, though, follow-up on the Punisher Annual. Between the Punisher and the High Evolutionary’s Eliminators, the supply of drugs from Bogota has been cut off, causing a drug war in New York.

Spider-Man beats up a warehouse full of drug dealers but when he leaves them webbed up, they’re sitting ducks for a rival gang and it looks like Spider-Man was involved in the murders.

But it wouldn’t be Evolutionary War if Spider-Man was just being impacted secondhand. The High Evolutionary’s Purifiers have also come to New York and are going around shooting drug dealers because the High Evolutionary’s goals still require saying no to drugs.

But that’s not all they’re up to. Under the High Evolutionary’s orders, the Purifiers in New York are planning Operation: Big Sleep. Where they’ll send out a sleepy signal from the Empire State Building and then sterilize anyone with “unacceptable DNA patterns” by morning.

Eugenics!

Speedball learns about this and is forced into action when the police assume his anonymous tip is malarky.

And Kingpin captures and interrogates a Purifier and has the information leaked to Spider-Man and Daredevil who are trying to clear Spider-Man’s name.

The Purifiers have nothing to do with the one drug gang wiping out the other one and inadvertently implicating Spider-Man. Kingpin just directed their attentions because he was annoyed that the Purifiers had killed some of his goons. But he does at least help clear Spider-Man’s name by forcing the actual killer to confess to the cops.

Mighty kind of Kingpin.

But that’s it! The Purifiers come to New York and Spider-Man and Daredevil beat them up for unrelated reasons!

One has to wonder if the High Evolutionary is pulling an Operation: Big Sleep on every city. Eugenics.

Fantastic Four Annual #21: Crystal Blue Persuasion!

Its Fantastic Four! Also, Inhumans! Also, Evolutionary War is squeezed in there somewhere.

So, the Fantastic Four isn’t quite in its usual status quo. Sue and Reed quit the team to pay more attention to Franklin. This won’t last long but it is the thought that counts.

Sharon Ventura, Ms Marvel, got exposed to cosmic rays and turned into a She-Thing and the Thing-Thing got exposed to more cosmic rays and turned into a pinecone. They’re dating and Ben is leading the team with Reed gone.

Johnny Storm Human Torch is married to Alicia Masters, who is unbeknownst to him actually a Skrull. There’s tension because Crystal Inhumans is the four in Fantastic Four and Johnny still has feelings for her.

Crystal is separated from her douchebag husband Quicksilver on account of him going all murdery but hasn’t been allowed to get a divorce because Inhuman society is pretty socially conservative.

So there’s a lot going on with the FF and the Evolutionary War is just another thing on the table that they don’t really notice because of everything else going on.

What happens is that Quicksilver has gone back to the Moon, depowered because of what happened in West Coast Avengers. He’s claimed he’s all sane now and that he was only evil because Maximus.

I have no idea if this is true or not but Quicksilver has a habit of claiming that whenever he pulls a dick move its because he’s being mind-controlled or identity thefted by a Skrull.

Since Quicksilver is a Good Boy again, the Inhuman Royal family come and try to kidnap Crystal and force her to get back together with her estranged husband. It becomes a big ol’ fight against the Fantastic Four.

But the Inhumans and Fantastic Four team up when Evolutionary War actually happens in this Evolutionary War tie-in.

The High Evolutionary brings a group of his Gatherers and Eliminators to the Moon and tasks them with obtaining a sample of the Terrigen Mist.

Instead of telling them to pull off a stealthy heist, he sends them to attack Attilan head-on and terrorize the populace.

I have no idea why when the High Evolutionary has had his people acting less blatantly before but that’s what is necessary to make this plot work.

Quicksilver leads the Inhuman militia in resistance and when the royal family and Fantastic Four show up, the tides turn and the armored men flee to the High Evolutionary who teleports them all away.

In the end, Crystal decides to stay on the Moon because Black Bolt writes the word family and because she has belatedly realized she’s making things difficult for Johnny.

There’s something involving some Watchers who know the High Evolutionary’s plans but being forbidden to comment on them when he asks for feedback or tell the Inhumans or Fantastic Four what is even going on.

Not much on the Evolutionary War side of things but Fantastic Four fans were probably relieved it didn’t much interrupt all the soap opera-y plot threads going on.

Moving right along.

X-Men Annual #12: Resurrection!

So, X-Men!

X-Men is complicated. We’re in the Australia-era. We’ve got a weird team and a weird situation. The X-Men died and then undied but let everyone think they were dead, especially their loved ones. They moved to Australia and took over a Reaver base (angry murder cyborgs that hate Wolverine specifically and mutants generally) and the old, Aborigine man that teleports them places but isn’t much for conversation.

The team is Storm, Wolverine, Rogue, Longshot, Dazzler, Colossus, Psylocke, Havok, and also Cyclops’ abandoned wife Madelyne Pryor who hangs around to be mission control.

Storm suddenly takes off to the Savage Land and the X-Men get Gateway to teleport them after her.

The X-Men discover that the vibrant, weird Savage Land and all the weird inhabitants are gone, scorched off the face of Antarctica. This happened in Avengers #257 and I thought it was a dumb plot decision.

The X-Men also find Terminus (despite the Avengers having killed him) fighting the High Evolutionary who had come to Antarctica to restore the Savage Land.

The X-Men bury Terminus in a landslide and then split up to investigate. Havok goes with the High Evolutionary, Psylocke and Rogue stay to psychically scan Terminus, and Longshot and then the rest trip into a hidden pocket dimension to discover that the Fall People are actually still alive.

Neat!

While Havok is given a tour of the High Evolutionary’s Savage Land HQ. When Havok is impressed by a flying vehicle, the Evolutionary explains a bit of what makes him tick.

High Evolutionary: “So was I, once. In those days, I tinkered with machines, tuning cars and bikes to their utmost peak of performance... and then putting them to the ultimate test. But no matter how good the vehicle... I was always limited by the body’s ability to control it. So it seemed a perfectly logical, natural step from the technological machine... to the biological one. To improve theo ne, I had to improve the other. How simple that equation seemed. How little I understood the consequences of such ambition. You see, with my mechanical experiments, mine was the only life at risk. Playing with life affects innocent lives. And too often, destroys them. Easy to tell yourself, the end justifies the means. Impossible to believe, though, when you look into the eyes of those who suffer as a result. Better to think, instead, of those who will benefit.”

The High Evolutionary also has the Savage Land mutates working for him so they also survived.

He explains to Havok that he has everything he needs to restore the Savage Land except “a living being -- preferably a mutant -- whose primal nature is in sync with the land’s.”

Terminus climbs out from under the rocks eventually and the X-Men and the Fall People attack. Rogue eventually borrows Longshot’s powers and blows a hole in Terminus to reveal Garokk, the Petrified Man.

They pry Garokk out and the Terminus armor crumbles.

The High Evolutionary reveals that the armor was controlling Garokk somehow and that the previous Terminus that destroyed the Savage Land was also a fake, suggesting that the real one will come back someday.

He does. I have no idea why people keep bringing Terminus back. He’s budget store Galactus. But he does come back. And Captain Universe!Spider-Man and Quasar yeeted him into space. Worth bringing him back for that??

Anyway, the High Evolutionary also announces that Garokk is the guy he can use to bring back the Savage Land and Garokk agrees to the sacrifice.

Hooray, Savage Land and its dinosaurs are back! At least one good thing came of Evolutionary War!

(Ka-Zar, Shanna the She-Devil, and their son immediately show up to claim to be in charge again. Damn, dudes.)

Wolverine also mutters that he senses that the High Evolutionary is up to no good but since he’s not doing anything dickish in this annual, Wolverine doesn’t start any beef.

Zaladane and the mutants seem to think that the Evolutionary War will end with them ruling the world. But the High Evolutionary is just using them and doesn’t like them very much.

Also, the X-Men mindwipe all the Fall People because they’re doing the thing where nobody can know they’re alive, not even people who live in the middle of Antarctica and especially not their own loved ones.

So, a more meaty entry in the Evolutionary War because the High Evolutionary actually shows up and accomplishes a thing he wants to accomplish. And we get some worldview.

Web of Spider-Man Annual #4: Sweet Poison!

Okay, I’m starting to see a problem with annual-based events. Sure, you can have different bits of the story for X-Men, X-Factor, and the New Mutants. Or East Coast and West Coast Avengers. They’re different teams so they can interact with different parts of the event.

But there’s three Spider-Man books so he’s really going to have three different parts in Evolutionary War?

Something similar happened with DC’s Armageddon 2001. Waverider kept returning to visit Superman and seeing a different alternate future every time. Which kind of undermined the whole point of the event but not more so than when DC changed the entire ending.

The Web of Spider-Man status quo? God, I don’t know. Why does Spider-Man need three books? That’s ridiculous. My guess is that he’s been Spider-Manning. Just Spider-Manning his little heart out!

There’s actually a lot going on here. Let me try to be brief about it.

WE’RE STILL IN THE DRUG SUBPLOT.

There may be more of this plot than any other part of Evolutionary War.

Peter Parker, Spider-Man is in Miami on a book tour to promote his WEBS photo book. But he can’t help but poke his nose in when he sees a drug dealer get beaten up by people from the Slug’s gang because drug dealer Santo has drugs to sell despite the supply line being cut from Bogota.

Spider-Man saves him and then gets the location of his drug stockpile and evidence of a Latverian arms deal for some damn reason.

The High Evolutionary’s Purifiers are also in Miami and still on their usual shit and one of them sterilizes Santo because the High Evolutionary doesn’t want people who sell drugs to pass on their genes.

Eugenics.

These are nicer Purifiers than the ones in New York who were just murdering drug related criminals.

The High Evolutionary also sends some of the Purifiers to the Everglades to seal up the Nexus of All Realities. He’s worried about genetic pollutants leaking into the world from other realities.

Maybe he’s right to fret about that because a local woman, Cecilia Cardinale, is possessed by an alien named Ylandris who gives her the power to kill people by glaring at them. And she attacks the Purifiers in Miami and then flies out into the swamp to keep killing them.

The Slug’s men also go out into the swamp and try to get the drug stockpile and the Purifiers go out there to destroy the drugs and the gangsters and Spider-Man since he happened to be there.

The seal on the Nexus fails and Ylandris is able to flee home and Spider-Man webs up any of the gangsters or Purifiers that hadn’t killed each other or gotten killed by normal-sized Man-Thing.

So the Purifiers up to their old tricks still and the High Evolutionary trying to prevent cross-dimensional genetic contamination of whatever his end goal is.

Next, and finally some Essential Avengers in this Evolutionary War.

West Coast Avengers Annual #3: "Heads You Lose -- ! Tails You Win!”

Are you guys really bringing your divorce into this event? Geez, let it drop for like ten minutes.

Also, hi, Bill Foster. Hi, T’Challa.

Hi, Evolution the Living Planet?

Anyway, this is Avengers. We like the Avengers here. We usually like the Avengers here. It hasn’t been great lately. But Avengers is what we’re about. So this story actually gets covered in-depth.

Last time in West Coast Avengers: due to cowboy manslaughter and lying about cowboy manslaughter, Hawkeye and Mockingbird have split up. And caused the team to split up.

Mockingbird took Tigra and Moon Knight who both agreed that maybe murder is okay sometimes. They decided to go check out the South Pole due to a Master Pandemonium sighting. Wonder Man stayed with Hawkeye. Hank Pym quit for first wife reasons. And Scarlet Witch, Vision, and Mantis joined.

Last time in Evolutionary War: scroll up. C’mon.

So another wrinkle to the High Evolutionary’s big vague plan.

All the Gatherers and Purifiers and Eliminators? Are not people he hired who are really into eugenics. They’re New Men that he made. Probably in a lab.

But he couldn’t make people for everything so he has a bunch of technicians working for him that had to be recruited for their obscure specializations.

To build a bomb.

Dammit, Bill Foster!

But the bomb is missing one vital component. The High Evolutionary needs Wakandan vibranium so sends his Gatherers.

Despite my dammit, Bill doesn’t like what’s going on and secrets a tiny capsule into the armor of one of the Gatherers he’s apparently on name basis with.

The High Beyonder, meanwhile, goes on a walk and a bit of a motive rant.

We finally get to learn why he’s in such a big hurry when he’s been casually doing his own thing for decades now.

So, the Fantastic Four discovered that the Beyonders signed their name to the Savage Land. And that’s made the High Evolutionary all paranoid and anxious because the Beyonders stole Counter-Earth and put it in a museum. He’s worried because the Fantastic Four are actively seeking out the Beyonders and that might prompt them to do Something.

Reasonable worry. The Beyonders suuuuuck.

Anyway. The Gatherers arrive in Wakanda. And are immediately detected and confronted by Black Panther and his army.

When one scoffs at “savages with spears”, T’Challa kicks him in the face.

There’s a fight, fight, fight. The Wakandans activate the Black Panther’s THROB.

Which. Is. Apparently. A Trans-Human RObot.

And it absorbs attacks and punches back harder.

Anyway, the Gatherers get their asses kicked. They expect to be teleported to safety, as we’ve seen in previous installments of Evolutionary War. But Black Panther detected them when they teleported in and has set up preventative measures that stop them from escaping the same way.

Black Panther has the Gatherers searched for clues and finds the capsule Bill Foster hid. Which contains a note saying: “SOS! The world is in danger, from a base 72S, 65W! Contact Dr. Henry Pym in Los Angeles! - Dr William Foster”

So T’Challa is like, hey, sure! And contacts the (West Coast) Avengers.

Except when Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Wonder Man, and Mantis show up, they have to inform T’Challa that Hank.... isn’t quite or at all with the team right now.

T’Challa then asks hey why isn’t your wife with the team right now?

Hawkeye: “... Ssst...! I didn’t think I could slide it past you, T’Challa! Mock an’ I have split up! She’s out of my life an’ out of my team! Tigra an’ the Moon Knight, too!”

Black Panther: “Out -- ? But -- where -- ?”

Hawkeye: “I dunno! I don’t wanna know! We all made our decisions, and it’s done with now!”

T’Challa last saw Hawkeye for that David Letterman thing and he was newly married there so that adds some context for how surprised he is.

Also, I dunno what’s going on here. I’m like 90% sure that some dialogue Mantis is supposed to be having was erased.

Englehart will complain about editorial interference in his book and this is probably some of it.

It’s so blatant though! She gets a close-up where she’s clearly talking and nothing is coming out!

Anyway. T’Challa shares the note from Bill Foster and since its been like six years since he was an active superhero, that means its time for exposition.

Bill Foster was Hank Pym’s lab assistant. Unaddressed here so I’m going to bring it up: he was introduced and immediately got hate crimed by the not-KKK Sons of the Serpent. This made Hank Pym decide to destroy the not-KKK which involved pretending to support them, which made Bill Foster quit but he came back when Hank did, in fact, destroy them. Also, the not-KKK was a foreign psyop to cause strife in America because fuck comics are like that sometimes (derogatory).

Anyway, Bill Foster eventually managed to duplicate Hank’s growth serum and dubbed himself Black Goliath because black characters had to remind you they’re black or else you might not realize they’re black. He also had a belly window in his costume because. I don’t know why but belly windows or plunging necklines were just common for black characters.

T’Challa got away with a full coverage costume but that’s so it wasn’t obvious he was black, so as not to offend Southern states. In fact, T’Challa’s mask originally was supposed to show his mouth but it was inked over.

Comics!

So Bill Foster was a size changing hero. He immediately got cancer in his first ever adventure after running into a guy called Atom Smasher.

Bill Foster has no kind of luck. Did you know that he died in Civil War and is still dead? How fucked up is that.

Bill’s cancer was eventually treated with a blood transfusion from Spider-Woman who is apparently immune to poisons and I guess cancer counts? Whatever. Point being, he wasn’t dying but he couldn’t size-shift anymore because of the strain on his body.

Taking after Hank there, a little.

Hawkeye decides to use Black Panther inviting them to Wakanda to try to get him to sign up with the West Coast Avengers but Black Panther says now is not the time because he’s worried about the attempted vibranium theft.

And the panther totem alarm raises in alarm of yet more intruders, this time in the technological jungle.

So the High Evolutionary has the Gatherers, the Purifiers, the Eliminators, and also this quirky miniboss squad, the Sensors.

Who are, reasonably enough, themed after human senses. Sight, Touch, Sound, Smell, Taste, and Intuition.

What? No Proprioception? Git gud, the High Evolutionary.

Anyway, this group is so dumb I kind of love it. And tragically, this seems to be their only appearance. I’d love if they got out into the wild and just showed up as a goofy theme group of jobbers.

I want Spider-Man to fight them. He’d have a field day fighting someone called Smell or Taste.

Anyway.

Black Panther gets pinned down by Sound. Because sonics are just a weakness of his. That’s why Klaw is his nemesis. That and the whole dad killing thing. But mostly because T’Challa is sensitive to loud noises.

Scarlet Witch goes to fight Smell but finds herself having trouble.

Scarlet Witch: “I’m throwing hexes, but I can’t pinpoint her inside that cloud of stench!”

This is so god damn stupid =D

Sight is basically Budget Cyclops. Every photon that hits his eyes gets channeled into laser beams that blast out of his helmet antlers. Helmet prongs. Whatever you call those things.

Vision decides to get into a laser staring contest with Sight.

Which is fucking stupid. Vision fires Solar Beam. Which just powers up Sight who shoots lasers. Which Vision absorbs through his head gem to power his Solar Beam. They’re stalemated.

Wonder Man fights Touch. And I guess Touch is interpreted as meaning punches. Because she punches him.

Hawkeye fights Taste and... aw c’mon, you’re not even trying with the theme! His power is that his fingers shoot acid. That has nothing to do with tasting! He should be Touch and have a deadly touch! Do I have to do all the work for you?

Annyway, Hawkeye has one of those fights where he keeps shooting arrows and the opponent just keeps blasting the arrows before they can strike. And it takes him forever to think of doing something different.

Finally, Mantis is fighting Intuition. Who has mind reading abilities to anticipate what she’s going to do before she does it. Mantis is surprised that Intuition manages to dodge a blow because “only three have ever accomplished that!”

If I go back and read all the comics with you in them and find that more than three people have dodged an attack by you, I’m going to be very disappointed.

But also I’m not going to do that. I’m way too busy with Evolutionary War.

Okay, so we have a bunch of Avengers stymied against a bunch of opponents who counter their powers.

It’s time for a TRADE PLACES! Sorta.

Scarlet Witch has been trying to hex Smell through the stink cloud the whole time and finally goes fuck that. She instead magic(k)s the stink cloud and moves it to cover Sight, blocking him from absorbing any light.

So without lasers, Vision just punches him in the fucking head. Then he uses his eye lasers (which I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to have, didn’t mention that earlier) to knock out Smell.

And forget about trade places, the other three West Coast Avengers just. Try harder. Than they were.

C’mon. Either trade places or don’t. Don’t tease me with it.

Wonder Man actually tries fighting back against Touch. He’d been letting her beat the shit out of him because Girl. As soon as he tries, he knocks her the fuck out.

Hawkeye finally thinks to do something other than fire arrows directly at this guy to be melted. Good ol’ boomerang arrow. Fire it wide so the guy dismisses it as no threat and then let it circle back and bonk him in the back of the head.

And Mantis goes into a meditative trance in which she empties her mind. Then, acting subconsciously, she chops Intuition in the throat.

... I’m fairly certain she’s dead now. That looked like a pretty solid hit.

As for Black Panther and Sound... Black Panther lures Sound onto the vibranium mound. And because of vibranium’s property of absorbing vibrations, it dampens the sonics Sound has been blasting at Black Panther.

But it turns out the whole thing was a double bluff.

Smell claimed that the Sensors were the ones who were really meant to obtain the vibranium. The Gatherers were only a distraction. But, welp, turns out that the Sensors were also distraction.

While T’Challa is distracted being smug about his victory over Sound and how the guy didn’t understand that you could set off an explosion on the vibranium mound and not hear or feel it... an agent of the High Evolutionary called Foks (clever like a) teleports in, blasts a big chunk of vibranium loose, and then teleports off with it.

With the threat seemingly ended?? the West Coast Avengers decide to go investigate the base that Bill Foster’s note mentioned. Black Panther decides not to go with them because he’s feeling a sense of trepidation. Like the whole world is under threat or something...

(Wouldn’t that be a good reason to go?)

But when the West Coast Avengers arrive they find two surprises.

One, the Savage Land is green and thriving the way it used to be, despite the report from the East Coast Avengers that Terminus had fucked it.

The West Coast Avengers haven’t read the X-Men Annual yet.

But two, there’s a big fucking hole in the ground at the coordinates Bill provided.

Wonder Man: “What could have happened, Hawk?”

Hawkeye: “Beats me, Simon! But whatever it was -- did we get here too late to save the world -- ?”

And to answer that, lets get into the second half of the Annual.

Because Mockingbird’s group have their own part to play. Remember how they were on the cover?

Also remember how they were going to go investigate a Master Pandemonium sighting at the South Pole?

Well, they also show up in Antarctica to get surprised that the Savage Land is back. But they arrive earlier because they didn’t get called to Wakanda.

(Also, they apparently stole a Quinjet. Mockingbird is just taking more and more in this divorce.)

When they land, they’re met by Ka-Zar. You might remember that Mockingbird has a lot of history with Ka-Zar. If you don’t, I’m reminding you that Mockingbird has a lot of personal history with Ka-Zar.

He summarizes the X-Men Annual for Mockingbird’s Notvengers. Except the part where the X-Men were involved because the X-Men mind-wiped everyone. Like dicks.

Point being, he tells them that the High Evolutionary is a cool guy that restored the Savage Land.

And also, Ka-Zar moved back to the Savage Land with his wife and baby son now that the place doesn’t suck anymore.

Bobbi gets to be catty about Ka-Zar and Shanna’s marriage going well. Its a pleasant visit until Bobbi drops the ‘by the way, my marriage has fallen apart but congrats on the happy family’ right before walking out.

And then she bemoans to her teammates “I don’t believe it! Kazar and Shanna are having babies while I’m on my way to divorce court?”

But anyway. Plot.

The Notvengers decide to investigate the High Evolutionary’s citadel. Even though he was cool enough to restore the Savage Land and Ka-Zar says he hasn’t done anything wrong that he knows about. The team decides to at least pay a courtesy call to find out what the guy’s about.

And because they have no cause to just kick the door down and get confrontational, they knock and ask to see the High Evolutionary please.

Foks, the guy that’s probably a fox (Tigra even says he smells like a fox) lets them in because the High Evolutionary has been expecting someone to eventually show up.

Bill Foster sees Mockingbird, Tigra, and Moon Knight from the lab floor. He figures that they got his message so he excuses himself to get a drink of water so he can make his own preparations.

When the Notvengers speak with him, the High Evolutionary doesn’t even try to play innocent.

Mockingbird: “We came to find out what you’re doing here!”

The High Evolutionary: “Certainly, Mockingbird! I’m building a bomb which, when detonated, will mutate everyone on Earth!”

Okay! So that answers WHAT he’s up to!

This annuals centric event isn’t paced very well. West Coast Avengers Annual #3 is the third from last part of the event. Out of eleven.

I guess it could have been revealed in the Fantastic Four Annual instead of Evolutionary War being an afterthought to everything else the FF were dealing with. But then... if its revealed to them, they’d want to address it. And that’s not how this thing is structured.

It’s just hard to tell a single story this way.

Anyway.

The Notvengers vow to stop him and the High Evolutionary is like, well, no. And just gases them.

Moon Knight is able to keep fighting after Tigra and Mockingbird almost immediately pass out because Khonshu is in the driver’s seat and can push the meat body to its breaking point.

He hurls some random bullshit at the High Evolutionary. It bounces harmlessly off his shields but still startles him.

So he calls in some guards that tangle with Moon Knight until he can’t hold his breath any longer, sucks in some gas, and passes out.

The High Evolutionary is intrigued that Moon Knight was able to go so long without air but he doesn’t have time for that right now.

His Wakanda operation, seen in the first half of this book, is in progress and requires him to be ready to take action. Coordinating Foks’ teleport to the vibranium mound, perhaps.

So he has the Notvengers thrown into... THE MAZE.

Outside the High Evolutionary’s throne room? Audience chamber? Whatever? Bill Foster was eavesdropping on the confrontation.

So he knows that the Notvengers weren’t here to rescue him but they’re his best bet so he’s got to rescue them.

Mockingbird wakes up in... THE MAZE. Which is a maze. Filled with robots. And traps.

Despite needing his full attention on the Wakanda operation, the High Evolutionary is also watching the Notvengers in the maze.

Maybe he finished with Wakanda while everyone was passed out?

Anyway. He’s impressed with how Mockingbird is acquitting herself.

The High Evolutionary: “Quite resourceful -- and dangerous -- I wonder if she’ll be the one of the three to escape my maze first -- and earn the right to become the guinea pig for my evolutionary formula -- !”

Okay, so. He’s building a bomb that will force mutate humanity into a ‘more evolved form.’

But I’m guess he also planned on superhero interference and planned to select one of the superheroes to base the mutagenic compound in the bomb on?

And he has such shitty luck that he wound up with the Notvengers?

No offense but if you’re going to mutate humanity you can do better than Mockingbird, Moon Knight, and Tigra.

Although, turning everyone into catpeople. That’d get back to his furry making roots.

And to answer my own question, no, the Wakanda operation isn’t done.

Foks runs in and informs the High Evolutionary that the Sensors have run into trouble because the West Coast Avengers are helping Black Panther in Wakanda.

The High Evolutionary confirms that the Sensors were a double bluff to let him get information on Wakanda’s defenses around the vibranium mound and that he’ll teleport Foks in to get the actual task done when the time comes.

Meanwhile, in... THE MAZE, Tigra also is doing well fighting the robots and such. But she smells Moon Knight, OH YEAHs through a wall with her claws, finds him after he also broke a robot, and starts making out with him a lot. Through his mask.

Elsewhere meanwhile, Bill Foster tries to sneak into... THE MAZE area but runs into some guards that point out that he’s not supposed to be here.

He tries to claim he’s just using the little scientist’s room but since they plan to report him for being out of his designated area, he says nuts and punches them a lot.

Back with Mockingbird, she almost falls into a spiky pit trap but manages to pole vault herself to safety.

Relative safety.

She runs into the High Evolutionary.

He tries to congratulate her on getting to the finish line first because Tigra and Moon Knight were too busy making out but she smoothly transitions right into violence.

The High Evolutionary is super-duper cosmically powerful of course so he’s capable of some tricks. Like psychokinesis. Shooting MIND LASERS. And getting kicked in the face.

But after she’s knocked him down and is going to... kill him? Knock him out? One or the other.

He just decides no. We’re not doing that.

And he grows into a Giant-Sized High Evolutionary.

While Giant-Sized High Evolutionary berates Mockingbird for getting ahead of herself, Bill Foster has found them.

And seeing a Giant-Sized High Evolutionary reminds Bill of the serum he’s prepared. A Giant Man serum.

AND IT WORKS!

He can now tell the High Evolutionary to fight someone his own size!

And as the new Giant Man slams the High Evolutionary around the scenery, he explains.

Because of the cancer, he’d kinda sorta but not really lost his powers. Its complicated. I thought that the transfusion from Spider-Woman had cured the cancer but whatever.

Bill Foster was scouted for the High Evolutionary’s project. He didn’t realize he was a captive until he got here. But he signed up in the first place because A) he didn’t know that the High Evolutionary was going to build a bomb to mutate the world and B) he realized that with the technology available for a genetic project that the High Evolutionary was running, he (Bill Foster) could develop a serum to strengthen his body so he could stay giant-sized Giant-Man.

Since Pym size shifting takes mass from the mass dimension, if Bill stays big long enough, the pure mass from the mass dimension will cleanse the tainted cancer mass.

Sure! That sounds plausibly, maybe!

The High Evolutionary isn’t feeling this fight. Like, he doesn’t like fighting. And Bill’s big giant-sized brain is giving him resistance to the High Evolutionary’s psychic powers.

Plus, he likes the cut of Bill’s jib. He’s evolving and improving himself, just like the High Evolutionary wants to do to everyone!

(I think maybe the High Evolutionary doesn’t actually know what evolution is.)

But Foks reports that he’s retrieved the vibranium and the High Evolutionary goes ‘oh shit right my masterplan.’ Rather than deal with the headache of trying to deal with all the superheroes now running loose around his headquarters, he just decides to fuck off and complete the bomb elsewhere.

The High Evolutionary: “Good luck with your evolution, Giant-Man! It will stand you in good stead in the world to come! We shall NOT meet again!”

What a polite guy.

He flies through the ceiling. Bill realizes that the cliche in this situation is that the High Evolutionary will blow up his old base to conceal any clues to where he’s going.

So he rips open... THE MAZE to free Moon Knight and Tigra and then hustles everyone out of the building.

And yup. As soon as the High Evolutionary’s ship takes off, his Savage Land base explodes.

Giant-Bill wonders whether the Notvengers really showed up without his note and Mockingbird says yes. But they don’t have time for that right now, they need to warn everyone about the High Evolutionary’s Evolution Bomb full of Evolution Formula!

So they all pile into the Quinjet Mockingbird stole and take off. Shortly before the West Coast Avengers arrived from Wakanda, find the giant hole in the ground that was the High Evolutionary’s base, and wonder what the fuck happened.

Good times.

Now we move to the penultimate part of Evolutionary War YET ANOTHER SPIDER-MAN ANNUAL FOR FUCKS SAKE.

What more do you have to contribute, Peter??

Spectacular Spider-Man Annual #8: RETURN TO SENDER

"Oh, no! Not again! GWEN STACY is back!”

Yeah, we’re all sick of it too, Pete.

Again, I don’t know what distinguishes Spectacular Spider-Man from Amazing or Web of. But I bet Spider-Man spider-mans the hell out of this book.

Anyway. Evolutionary War.

Spider-Man is interrupted from musing about adopting a stray cat by a pair of the High Evolutionary’s Purifiers flying around in a UFO shooting at a random woman. But as you can guess from the cover, it’s not a random woman, it’s Gwen Stacy. Clone Gwen. Stacy.

Peter freaks out when he sees her but she freaks out worse, running away.

She later swings by his apartment but freaks out again when she sees Peter’s spider-costume (she knows he’s Spider-Man but Spider-Man still freaks her out). She runs off and with MJ’s sorta blessing, Spider-Man swings out after her.

She gets captured by the Purifiers and teleported to the High Evolutionary’s base, with Spider-Man in tow.

So now I have to backtrack a bit. While the Purifiers were making their second attempt to track down Clone Gwen, the High Evolutionary was making a quick visit to the Young Gods.

I don’t really want to explain them in depth because they’re both complicated and irrelevant.

But when the Eternals book was cancelled, its plot threads were picked up and tied off by the Thor book. The Celestials’ judgement of Earth was resolved by Gaia giving the Celestials the twelve best people on Earth to get the Celestials to go away.

Out in space, the so-called Young Gods train to become new gods but we can’t capitalize that because of trademark reasons.

The High Evolutionary goes to check up on them because as the genetic bomb nears completion, he wants to know if the Young Gods are humanity’s genetic future.

After watching them train, the High Evolutionary concludes (verbally, right in front of them) that they’re intriguing but not the genetic destiny he’s looking for.

But the Young Gods got a really rank vibe by psychically scanning the High Evolutionary and half of them follow him back to Earth to try to stop his plans of evolutionary genocide.

So after Clone Gwen is captured and transported to the High Evolutionary’s base, she’s put in some scanning device.

Spider-Man tries to fight through all the Purifiers and half of the Young Gods show up to help. But the other half of the Young Gods show up to hinder. And someone from group 1 accidentally mind crushes someone from group 2 and the Young Gods conclude that they’re too inexperienced to be fucking around without knowing what they’re doing.

Meanwhile, Spider-Man manages to rip Clone Gwen out of the device and saving her has given him a kind of emotional closure and he finally accepts she’s not Gwen and that he loves someone else.

HE COULD NOT BE MORE RIGHT!

The High Evolutionary finally interjects saying hey I don’t come to your place and break your nice stuff. But also: that Gwen is not Gwen.

The High Evolutionary: “I asked myself, how could a mere university biology professor accomplish a technical miracle such as nearly instantaneous cloning? My study of this woman’s genetic structure, compared to that of Gwen Stacy, shows that he did not.”

This will later be retconned but at the time, this new reveal was because of the advancement of knowledge about cloning and desire to finally tie off the loose thread of the Gwen clone.

So AT THIS MOMENT, Miles Warren didn’t create any real clones. Not with his budget and access to technology.

Instead, he created a genetic virus that transformed a random woman Joyce Delaney into a copy of Gwen. Presumably false memories were also implanted.

THIS IS CLEARLY MUCH MORE FEASIBLE FOR MILES WARREN, UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR, TO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED.

Oh the trouble we run into when we strive to make old stories more plausible.

Anyway, the High Evolutionary is tired of their faces so he teleports them back to New York.

One of the Young Gods shows up and transforms Gwen back into the woman she was. Because she can do that. And Joyce just wanders off somewhere. Until she magically transforms back into a Gwen clone because another Clone Saga is ongoing.

But the important thing is that Peter got emotional closure and that the High Evolutionary... uh, I don’t know why he cared. He says its because she’s a genetic impossibility so I guess he just has strong feelings about cloning.

And the retcon of this retcon will reveal that he was so mad jelly over Miles Warren’s cool cloning skills that he made up that business about the genetic virus. A retcon retcon that will itself cause more problems because an entire new character had been created since this annual using that genetic virus thing as its basis.

BUT ANYWAY.

WE’RE FINALLY.

AT THE LAST PART.

Avengers Annual #17: PROMETHEUS MUTANS!

Hello, you beautiful cover. Nice to see you again.

This is the last part so bring us home, Walt Simonson.

We start strong because the start has Jocasta.

Hi, Jocasta!

People who I have to assume are the High Evolutionary men pug Jocasta back together with captions quoting Frankenstein for some fucking reason.

Jocasta activates and attacks the technicians repairing her. Then she runs to grab a phone but gets blasted by some guards.

Dangit. If this book brought Jocasta back just to kill her, I’mma be peeved.

Meanwhile elsewhere, the abandoned Hydrobase.

I canNOT get over the Avengers extensively rebuiding Hydrobase to be a headquarters and then disbanding like five minutes later. Fuckin’ Thor.

Inside the abandoned base, a computer kicks into action in response to Jocasta’s phone call because, yes, she was trying to contact the Avengers.

But there are no Avengers to contact. Thor disbanded the team after everyone quit, got injured, fell into a time hole, or became super-cursed.

So the computer automatically reaches out to reservists.

You may be able to guess who is going to respond, based on the cover.

It’s actually kind of interesting that this annual coming at a point where there’s no Avengers team meant that Simonson could go with anyone. Fucking Yellowjacket II is in there and she’s not even an Avenger!

The Captain America is the first to respond to the call.

Between Avengers #298 (also written by Simonson), the Captain has completely forgotten what Jarvis told him about the team disbanding. So he reacts like what the heck why isn’t anyone here?

He checks the computer to find out why it contacted him and it reports an unknown caller that was maybe possibly Jocasta called the Avengers and said “the genetic bomb” and “evolutionary.”

The Captain says it couldn’t be Jocasta because she blew up. She blew up a lot. But the computer isn’t designed to argue. Just to relay data.

Cap(tain) decides to wait for other reservists to respond so he can tell people that the whole thing is just a hoax.

And he doesn’t have long to wait before Sam Wilson, the Falcon, shows up.

The Falcon jokes that he thought Cap had quit the Avengers and asked if he’s backsliding.

Then Hercules shows up, in shiny new armor with a belly window showing off his abs.

Remember how Zeus forbade any Olympian from going to Earth to make his hair trigger temper everyone’s problem? Yeah, Hercules don’t give a shit what dad said. He stole one of his thunderbolts and used it to go to Earth to respond to the emergency call.

WHICH HE RECEIVED IN OLYMPUS SOMEHOW.

The Captain explains to Falcon and Hercules that the call was probably a hoax. Hercules is a bit put out that he risked his dad’s wrath for nothing but then a whole lot of Hulk (and Beast) walk through the door.

So Hulk faked his death and has been operating as a gray Hulk called Joe Fixit. Beast convinced him to respond to the emergency Avengers call and in exchange, the Avengers won’t tell anyone about Hulk being alive.

Also, Beast is blue again. Instead of human looking and getting dumber every time he super strengths. I have no idea what happened between the X-Factor Annual and the Avengers Annual.

(Checking the wiki, apparently some lady called Infectia kissed him and that made him blue and smart again.)

And there’s another person responding to the emergency call as Hercules suddenly yoinks Yellowjacket II out of the closet.

Hercules has a reason to be suspicious of her. The one and only time they met, she was a member of the Masters of Evil, the group that beat him into a coma.

But Yellowjacket II, Rita DeMara, explains that the Yellowjacket helmet she stole started buzzing and directing her to report to the Avengers. It basically annoyed her into showing up to a team-up because she couldn’t turn it off.

(Beast finds the off button and stops the alert in like two seconds. But now she’s stuck with the group because Hercules doesn’t trust her to be out of his sight. Because of the Masters of Evil thing. WHICH, Y’KNOW, FAIR.)

Presumably Cap still thinks this emergency alert isn’t worth responding to. But Beast does a bit of electronic razzle-dazzle to trace the call to an abandoned laboratory site on Long Island that once belonged to Stark Industries.

This ad-hoc Avengers group busts out a moth-balled Quinjet and heads to the site.

Hulk OH YEAHs through the wall of the lab to the surprise and very alarm of the High Evolutionary’s guys. One of them goes hoh shit lets shoot first ask questions NEVER this guy scary even though their orders are to scan everyone’s DNA structure before killing them. Because eugenics.

Joe Hulk tags this guy the one smart guy in a bunch of dummies.

After he MURDERS EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM (to the alarm of the ad-hoc Avengers team) he presents the smart guy to the rest to interrogate.

(Supposedly. The guy’s design changes from one page to the next but Hulk says its the same guy.

And the guy is eager to talk. Probably because he just saw a big gray hulk murder everyone else in the room.

He explains that he’s one of the High Evolutionary’s Gatherers with the job to “collect information about the genetic structure of humanity.”

The High Evolutionary is worried that humanity’s evolutionary progress has been stymied by modern society so he’s going to put his finger on the scale.

After the Eliminators and Purifiers are done getting rid or sterilizing the ones the High Evolutionary doesn’t want in his new version of humanity, he’ll set off the genetic bomb and forcibly jump humanity ahead a million years.

Even though that’s not how evolution works.

And also, it looks like he’s going to turn humanity into furries. The man loves his furries.

The Captain criticizes this eugenics plan for being so eugenics when the Captain hates eugenics and also Nazis.

But then the man explodes.

See, he’s a zealot. A true believer. He only partially spilled the beans to buy time until his... suit? recharged enough to blow him up. The Pacific is a big place and time is short so they’ll definitely never find the High Evolutionary!

Joe Hulk mocks the rest of the ad-hoc Avengers as “airheads” after just standing by and letting the guy blow himself up after Joe had gone to the trouble of saving one dude to interrogate.

That’s fair.

Upside though? They rescued Jocasta.

So now a bunch of Jocasta loose ends can be resolved. The Captain tells her that when she ran away from the Avengers, it was before they could tell her they were going to ask her to stay on as a special status. And Jocasta is able to clear up how she’s not blown up. Kinda.

She guesses that the High Evolutionary’s Gatherers found her parts and put her back together using recovered plans. So that they could use her memories to gain first-hand information about the Avengers.

Her cybernetic senses would be more in-depth than public records.

Of course, the Avengers team that recently existed and the Avengers team Jocasta knew were significantly different. But also the Avengers disbanded so basically she was brought back online for no reason.

Womp womp.

I’m just glad she’s alive again.

Rather than searching the entire Pacific, which is very big, the Captain decides he’ll just go talk to the Deviants of Lemuria, figuring that if anyone has a secret science base in the Pacific, they’ll know about it.

I assume that the Captain doesn’t bother with Atlantis because he’s heard that Attuma is in charge and figures they won’t be helpful.

And he’s right about Atlantis not being helpful.

When the apparently submarine capable Quinjet reaches Lemuria, the Ad-Hoc Avengers find an Atlantean fleet attacking the Deviant city.

The Avengers split up. Joe Hulk and Hercules break into the Atlantean flagship and beat the shit out of everyone. Everyone else stays in the Submarine Quinjet and contact the Lemurians.

Kro, the Deviant who has cool sunglasses sometimes, tells the Avengers that the Atlanteans accused the Deviants of sending a sea monster to destroy Atlantis. Kro has no fucking idea what that’s about, but we do. Remember? Marrina? So this is all Dr Druid’s fault.

Fuckin’ Dr Druid.

Then a giant ship belonging to neither Atlantis or Lemuria shows up and blasts both fleets with too much pink energy.

Hulk and Hercules break the giant pink shooting cannon but afterwards, the Avengers realize the damage was done.

The Captain tells both groups that, duh, Lemuria didn’t send a sea monster at Atlantis. And that the people that leaked the misinformation to Atlantis probably did it to draw out both the Atlanteans and Lemurians in one spot.

Because... according to Beast’s analysis... that giant pink energy blast was a sterilizing beam. A big chunk of the mature populations of both Pacific civilizations have been sterilized.

HIGH EVOLUTIONARYYYYYYYYYY!

Attuma and Kro are pissed to learn that their balls just got blasted or however the sterilizing beam worked. They agree to not only team up with each other but to team up with the Ah-Hoc Avengers to track down and stop the High Evolutionary.

And holy ship, uh, I mean holy shit.

That’s a really big ship.

Where does the High Evolutionary get such a mighty vessel?

The backup backstory stories that have been in each part of Evolutionary War reveals that his Wundagore lab/spaceship took years to finish and needed a slave force of Moloids to construct.

The Avengers are quite impressed. And worried. Its just their small group and two armadas against that monster? Do they even have enough guys?

But there’s a bit of a ticking clock.

Falcon is able to determine that the High Evolutionary’s big ship is heading toward the Sunda Strait. And based on that, Beast and the Captain realize that the High Evolutionary is going to re-explode Mount Krakatoa to spread the Genetic Bomb all around the world.

And they don’t have time to launch a full attack. So they ask the Deviants and Atlanteans to launch a diversionary assault that has no chance of succeeding while the Avengers sneak aboard the vessel to disarm the Genetic Bomb.

Inside the behemoth, the High Evolutionary is putting the finishing touches on his Genetic Bomb. Even at this late stage, he and his technicians are still doing genome manipulation. Readying recombinant DNA.

The Evolutionary is less than pleased when he hears of the Deviant/Atlantean attack.

He tells his men to secure the sacred genetic chamber, put the bomb in stasis, gather the priests in the temple, and for everyone to report to battle stations.

Wait.

He has priests? He has a temple?

Why?

Anyway, the Ad-Hoc Avengers happened to infiltrate into the airlock closest to the temple that the High Evolutionary has for some reason. So they get to witness the evolution cult’s services.

Priest: “The Lord High Evolutionary has decreed that there is no danger from the attacking fleets. Our holy vessel has more than enough firepower to destroy our enemies. But our lord has said that the possibility exists that the real threat to our sacred mission may lie elsewhere. As we revere nature and the High Evolutionary, those who would hinder his great plan must be forestalled! All security patrols are to be doubled at once! And any intruders must be captured alive and brought to the sacred genetic chamber! Now go!”

The Captain and Beast muse about the specifics of the High Evolutionary having his own cult with animal-masked priests before an overheard comment reminds Beast that the High Evolutionary loves making furries.

Falcon has an idea, based on a leap in logic. Clearly, based on no evidence so far, the High Evolutionary’s human men (?) have no idea that their priests are animal people. If they reveal this thing that Falcon is just assuming is a secret, it could cause a civil war within the High Evolutionary’s own forces!

AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE AVENGERS HAVE SOMEONE WHO CAN PASS FOR AN ANIMAL PRIEST.

So the Avengers mug some priests for their robes. Then set up a situation where a group of the High Evolutionary’s men overhear Beast talking to himself.

Priest Beast: “Ah, the jest is almost too rich! Little do the Purifiers and the others suspect the truth behind their priests. How wise of the High Evolutionary to place animals in charge of humans. I wish I could see the look on the faces of our human stooges when they finally learn that we do not wear animal masks in honor of nature... but show our visages openly! The New-Men will rule the new world once the Genetic Bomb has done its real work... and the animals shall have dominion over the Earth!”

Okay, so this works.

Captain America is going to trick a priest while dressed in the white uniform of the Gatherers by claiming that some of the other dudes are plotting treason against the High Evolutionary.

This goat priest will run out and get shot by a group of Gatherers. Said group will then start spreading out to shoot as many priests as they can.

So in terms of a distraction, the Avengers succeeded.

I feel like they’d be less enthused about it if it weren’t animal people getting shot but that’s comic morality.

But it leaves me wondering why the High Evolutionary set it up this way. And how all of this works anyway.

I wondered before how the High Evolutionary found armies of dudes who were super psyched to do some eugenics. One of the dudes in his employ even blew himself up rather than betray his boss.

The West Coast Avengers annual suggested that all of the High Evolutionary’s dudes were made by him. And, y’know, that made sense. The logistics of it were wack but it made sense that they’d all be loyal to him and super into his eugenics plans.

But the Avengers Annual, this book, has gone back to suggesting that the High Evolutionary just hired armies of men who are super into eugenics. One of the dudes that shot the goat priest mentioned having to do a physical examination when he was hired.

So the High Evolutionary found literal armies of men religiously devoted to eugenics. Its religious devotion because the middle managers between the High Evolutionary and the rank-and-file are literal priests.

Various Purifiers or Gatherers or Eliminators or whatevers have spoken in glowing terms about the beautiful future that the High Evolutionary is planning.

Where did he find these goons?

And why the fuck did he make furry priests in vats to middle manage them?

Why the fuck haven’t they shown up in any other part of the story? He’s just been ordering his forces around himself. There’s been no hint of a religious element to his organization.

Beast dressing as a furry priest to sow distrust in the ranks is funny but it raises so many questions!

Moving on.

While Beast, the Captain, and Jocasta go to investigate what secrets lie at the heart of the temple, the other Ad-Hoc Avengers search elsewhere.

Rita DeMara Yellowjacket immediately runs into trouble. Where trouble is all the guards. With guns that can sometimes detect her even tiny sized. And she doesn’t even want to be here. She only agreed to search to get away from Hercules who is still incredibly pissed off at her.

I’d feel sorry for her except I don’t. Haha, get dunked on, Rita DeMara.

Falcon is nicer than I am and saves her from the guards because “winged folks should stick together!”

Meanwhile, some of the rebelling Gatherer dinguses try to kill the High Evolutionary. It’s not really a big threat to him but psychically probing their minds clues him in on Beast impersonating a priest. And since the High Evolutionary knows he doesn’t have any blue-furred dudes, he realizes that the external attack was a ruse to hide an infiltration.

He orders the decks to be sealed to slow down the spread of the rebellion. And orders full fast ahead because the bomb is almost ready and he’s tired of these shenanigans.

The High Evolutionary’s great behemoth of a submarine base just NYOOMS past the attacking fleets, tossing them out of the way with turbulence or just smashing them against the bigger ship.

Also, capsizing some surface ships because of the huge wave created.

Man, Simonson’s Avengers has so much ship sinking.

The Captain, Beast, and Jocasta find the High Evolutionary’s furry lab at the center of the temple. You know, the lab where he makes his furries. His New Men.

Falcon and Yellowjacket show up and announce they found the bomb. Off-panel.

The Captain verbally plans for the Ad-Hoc Avengers to go regroup with Hercules and Hulk and destroy the bomb.

That way he’ll look stupid when the High Evolutionary immediately after teleports into the Genesis Chamber and calls Cap’s plan “insipid.”

Ouch.

Also, he says he’s going to kill them because he’s sick of their shit.

Jocasta tries to rush him but the High Evolutionary zaps her FTSZAPT! blowing off her limbs.

The Captain is like oh shit, the High Evolutionary is a heavy hitter. We need our heavy hitters.

And the High Evolutionary very kindly teleports Hulk and Hercules to the Genesis Chamber because hey, why not gather everyone in one easily to destroy group. BECAUSE HE IS SICK OF THEIR SHIT.

The Captain tells Falcon to fly away and destroy the bomb while everyone else holds off the High Evolutionary.

(A plan that Yellowjacket II hates. She just hates it. She so doesn’t want to be here and is regretting ever stealing the costume in the first place. Ha ha.)

The High Evolutionary tries to zap Falcon as he flies away but misses. SO NOW HE HAS TO GO CHASE DOWN A BIRDESQUE MAN WHO DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE A BIRD MAN!

The Captain’s plan to hold off the High Evolutionary... well, that doesn’t last long.

Instead of fighting them, the High Evolutionary just summons a cage of omnium steel to hold them and then teleports off to find Falcon.

Joe Hulk isn’t as strong as your standard Hulk. So he can’t bust outta the cage by himself. Even when Hercules joins in, the bars don’t bend.

But Beast got a strength boost from all that not-hairy dumb-but-strong thing. And when he joins in, the three dudes are able to bend an exit.

So despite his first plan being not good, the Captain has another plan.

Its a good plan, a daring plan. He’s going to forever alter one of his friends by using mad science on him.

Yup.

Cap decides the only way to beat the High Evolutionary is to use the genetic accelerator to buff Hercules up to the High Evolutionary’s power level.

Sure.

I mean. The High Evolutionary evolved to become one with the universe when he used the process on himself. He had to choose a specific exposure amount to get cosmic strong but not energy being beyond material matters.

And Cap just wants Beast to blast Hercules with a random amount of evolution?

I’m not super thrilled on the genetic accelerator just being used as a power-up.

But Cap argues that if they just destroy the bomb, the High Evolutionary could build another one! He has no idea how long it took the High Evolutionary to build one or what rare materials he needed for it but he’s super sure that the High Evolutionary can just crank them out!

I don’t like this plan.

But Hercules seems game. So. Whatever.

But but Joe Hulk objects. If anyone is getting a power-up, its him. And he tosses Beast across the room for emphasis.

The Captain is worried Joe Hulk will blow the whole plan so decides to aggro the High Evolutionary back to take care of Hulk.

Uh. Kinda like the Old Lady who swallowed a fly with that one. The cure might be worse than the disease. Especially since Hercules should be stronger than Joe Hulk and he hasn’t even tried to stop him yet.

Anyway. The way Cap aggros the High Evolutionary is by broadcasting a message that the High Evolutionary has abandoned ship and that the Avengers are in control of the vessel.

The High Evolutionary immediately teleports back to the Genesis Chamber (with a knocked out Falcon in his arms), sees Hulk messing with his machinery, and declares “This farce has gone far enough!”

He blasts Joe Hulk but Joelk no sells it.

Remember that thing about the High Evolutionary not liking to fight? Well, rather than try escalating levels of violence until he beats Hulk, he just teleports Hulk the fuck out of his ship.

How the fuck out? All the way to Las Vegas.

Supposedly the High Evolutionary had to use a lot of his energy to do this. But if that were the case, we wouldn’t still be going with the put Hercules in the evolution machine gambit. And we are.

So the High Evolutionary is still next to invincible.

While the Captain holds the guy back, Beast hustles Hercules into the genetic accelerator.

The High Evolutionary blasts the Captain to the side and rants about how he thought the Avengers could have been useful to advance humanity’s genetic destiny but now he sees they’re just obsolete throwbacks.

Yellowjacket II still doesn’t even want to be here today but she decides to Try.

She flies into his ear and blasts the energy that makes up his material form. Apparently it works to distract him but the High Evolutionary boils his insides until Yellowjacket II flees and then he BLAKKPT! blasts her.

But Hercules in his fancy new armor is out of the evolutionary microwave and ready to throw down.

And ready to get thrown down.

The High Evolutionary just blasts him, saying he’s made himself superior to nature and gods.

The High Evolutionary: “You, my would-be god, cannot be permitted to live an instant longer! I have no interest in taking the full measure of your strength. Whatever powers my instruments have given, you die now before you can comprehend or control them!”

Then Beast kicks his ass.

Well, its more of a punch. But he distracts the guy so the Evolutionary summons up some improved restraints that Beast has no chance of OH YEAHing out of.

Then Hercules blasts the High Evolutionary with pink energy.

Super Hercules: “You claim to hold the destiny of mankind in your hand! Yet you would oppose those who oppose you and change those who do not! ‘Tis not mankind you would aid but your own overweening vanity!”

Don’t really follow that one but sure.

The High Evolutionary blasts Hercules right back, saying he’s going to kill him so hard and then wipe him from humanity’s memory. Brutal.

But instead of dying, Hercules does not die. In fact, he gets a power up.

The High Evolutionary blasts off Hercules’ armor, revealing that Beast strapped the master unit of the evolutionary chamber inside the armor so Hercules has been further evolving this whole time.

APPARENTLY.

How the fuck did Beast know what the master unit was when this is the first time he’s seen this machinery and only for like five minutes? How did the chamber keep working with the master unit removed? Because Beast was ‘upgrading’ Hercules’ armor while Hercules was still in the chamber. How is the master unit working when it doesn’t have a power source or y’know I’d assume that the rest of the genetic accelerator are actually important or the High Evolutionary would just streamline it down to the fucking master unit!

Whatever.

This nonsense plot is happening so lets roll with it.

Now Hercules is kicking the High Evolutionary’s ass.

The High Evolutionary: “It can’t happen now! Not when I’m so close to achieving my goal! I would have given mankind the future! I would have made gods of everyone! I would no longer have been alone!”

Hercules: “Thou should have aspired to less godhood! ... And more humanity! But you have shown me the way and the fate you would have bestowed upon Hercules is thine!”

Cool, the High Evolutionary. That has nothing to do with anything else you’ve stated your motivations to be but cool.

Then the High Evolutionary turns into a pink cloud.

But as he does, he zaps Hercules with eye beams (pink ones) that speed up Hercules’ evolution and he also turns into a pink cloud.

Very underwhelming.

Falcon, the Captain, and the Beast have a moment of silence for their Olympian bud before going ‘hey we should probably find Yellowjacket II and then beat up some goons.’

They do find Yellowjacket II. She’s with Jocasta. Neat, Jocasta is still alive.

And while everyone else has been doing the big stupid superhero punch-up, she’s been hacking the ship.

She can’t stop the ship from going full fast ahead and they’re almost at Krakatoa but she can make the matter/anti-matter engine blow the fuck up.

Which will destroy the ship, the genetic bomb, and also the army of mooks on board.

Yeah, the Avengers don’t even slightly try to tell these guys to abandon ship.

Superheroes preserving all life is just kind of a suggestion, y’know?

And for some reason, Jocasta has to stay behind plugged into the computer to make the engine blow up. She can’t just set a countdown or something.

>=[

So this annual brings back Hercules and Jocasta from character limbo and promptly kills them off again.

Okay cool fuck off.

Jocasta manages to blow up the ship before it reaches Krakatoa, if only just.

And to make sure the genetic bomb’s mutagenic compound was obliterated in the explosion, the Avengers fly into the explosion plume and open the vents?

THERE’S NOT A BETTER WAY TO TEST THAT, HANK MCCOY, GENIUS SCIENTIST??

Anyway, it’s all just a set-up for a fake-out where Beast sneezes to bookend him sneezing at the beginning of the story.

Alls well that ends well except for the two dead Avengers and this story being garbage.

Now to be fair, comics. Jocasta will be back. Hercules will be back. The High Evolutionary will be back. In fact, the High Evolutionary and Hercules wind up in the same place. For some reason, the Celestials grab their discorporated essence and imprison them in the Black Galaxy.

Celestials, amirite? Can’t figure them.

So this last part of the story, Avengers Annual #17, had the difficult task of bringing the Evolutionary War event home. Which was both easy and difficult because most of the parts had interacted with it subtly at best.

The X-Factor part had a philosophical brawl between the Evolutionary and Apocalypse that revealed that the Evolutionary’s behavior in this event is because he’s feeling urgency. The West Coast Avengers Annual revealed that urgency is likely to be because of the Beyonders, who screwed him over once.

So we get to the last part and the Beyonders don’t get mentioned and the High Evolutionary’s new motive is that he feels lonely and wants humanity to be as cool as him.

I don’t think its easy to organize a story spanning this many different creative teams. Marvel still has problems getting events to stay on the same page in the year of our lord this year and that’s with all kinds of new advances in communication.

But shouldn’t the person that had to land this unwieldy plane actually been able to land the plane?

God. I feel bad saying it but Simonson is not doing a good job on Avengers. The first bunch of issues I’ve covered there’s the mitigating factor that he’s dealing with picking up someone else’s abandoned plot threads, editorial pressure breathing down his neck, a roster he clearly has no interest in writing.

But in this Avengers Annual, he got to pick a bunch of Avengers. He got to make up his own dream team. Even including dead characters like Jocasta. Even including characters that aren’t technically Avengers like Yellowjacket II. This is a roster he got to handpick. And the story is boring.

Despite how much the Genetic Bomb got built up, it is never seen on panel in this issue. You’d think that the thrilling conclusion to the story would be fought around it or over it. The bomb-ass cover even features a bomb motif.

But the final fight is instead in a generic lab with Hercules having a pink-off against the High Evolutionary after having a free power-up machine taped to his back.

It feels wrong to have the High Evolutionary beaten in Dragonball “my power is maximum” style because he’s not a fighty character. He’s powerful. But he’s not fighty. Given his performance here, he could have mopped the floor with Giant-Sized Bill Foster but decided to fuck off instead.

This is a Kang Ending or a Doom Ending but it doesn’t feel like a High Evolutionary Ending.

He’s also a lot more dickish in this last part of the story. Not to say that doing a lot of eugenics isn’t dickish by itself. But he’s been avoiding killing people if he doesn’t have to. He realized he was wrong to write off the Moloids. He let Clone Gwen go when he got the information he needed. But in the last issue, he got up on the wrong side of the bed. Just feels inconsistent. Which... is kinda the problem with the whole event.

I expected more than that for a story that took 11 annuals to cover. And that’s my fault. For expecting much out of this.

Most of the tie-ins were “High Evolutionary’s goons try to gather something or kill someone or sterilize someone, most likely something involving the drug trade.”

It was very clear as I dug into this that most of the writers were going off a paragraph or so of overarching plot, leaving very few issues actually trying to go deeper than that.

If you imagine Evolutionary War instead as a couple issues of event comic, most of the books I read here are tie-ins with EVOLUTIONARY WAR proudly displayed across the top of the cover and then some armor dudes show up to interrupt whatever the hero is up to.

Although, limiting it to the Annuals does mean it was less obtrusive so I can say that.

Okay. To teal deer, the Annuals Event concept is more likely to be bad than not because of the difficulty in organizing so many creative teams onto the same page. Add on a number of creators who can barely be bothered to engage with the material and you’re not likely to get something very much worth reading.

There’s another EVEN BIGGER Annuals Event next year but after that, the Marvel books break off into little groups for smaller Annuals Events.

That’s the only thing that makes me commit to covering them. If there were many more Evolutionary War sized events to cover, I think I would ignore them. Or just cover the Avengers bits.

Honestly, would I have missed out on much had I skipped the three Spider-Man parts of the story? I don’t think so.

Follow @essential-avengers. Like and reblog and comment and oh god please read this. This took so long. It was not worth it!

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