#vanjeans

[vangenius]

Isolated

What do you do when you’re all alone,

No one to turn to, no one checking in on the phone.

Sometimes the isolation and quiet drives your mind insane,

You have a head worth of thoughts but no one coming to your game.

You hear yourself, and it’s enough to feel left out.

End of life by product of a life begging to share a shelf.

Ruptured by past dreams and meaning to be seen.

Unable to open up and trust a new, a demon ripping at the seams.

You capture memories like bubbles in the wind,

One moment they’re there, next moment a reminder of why they end.

You twist yourself into a box constructed of your fear,

Of opening up and sharing your love, scared of once again being beat bare.

When those you cared for hurt you, you’re left feeling lower of you,

Picking up broken pieces of a mirror, neverending as it cuts through.

You spend a life learning to accept and learn your someone else,

The people who leave don’t have the time to learn that self.

You hide yourself away, struggle to reach out for connection,

You fear anyone that shows up will be another misdirection.

So few people in the world you trust, yet those same people you don’t chat.

Even though those people sometimes have a way to pull you back.

You sense you are a burden, that’s why people stop replying,

All it takes is a few unseen words, for you to stop trying.

And when the day is done and gone and your back in solitude,

You hide yourself away in doors, you bolt the locks and curl on the floor.

You pray to a higher power that there’s more to life than this,

Than being hurt and being alone and regretting all you’ve missed.

That power returns silence, a reminder of where you are.

On a couch, thinking of someone else and a dream that won’t go far.

[bajablastflavoredsaxreed]

i was lucky enough to manage to get crazy cheap tickets to a touring production of les mis and HOLY SHIT.

I’ve been peripherally interested in the show for a while (as is my theatre kid duty) but i was not expecting it to blow me out of the water like it did

all the actors KILLED IT

Grantaire behaved proportionately homosexual and was very tall and strutted around the stage in a way that was really funny but also impactful when it had to be

there was some sort of tension between javert and vanjean. like they were looking at each others lips. that was enjoyable

SPEAKING OF JAVERT OMG

during the scene where he dies i was like almost crying because the actor so beautifully portrayed the feeling of having your core ideals as a person being challenged and feeling directionless in life but then he jumped off the bridge AND HE FLEW INTO THE AIR. THE WIRES WERE SO WELL HIDDEN I DIDNT NOTICE. HE WAS FUCKING UP THERE.

and he was like kicking and moving his arms in slow motion like he was falling and he was slowly being brought back towards the projector screen thing in the back of the stage and it changed to water and they somehow made him like. go through the screen? the lights covered enough up where i couldn’t rly tell how they did it but it was so cool. i knew that he would fall into the water but i didn’t expect them to go so fucking hard with the visuals

the projector was used so well also? like they were in the sewers towards the end and they projected like an image of the inside of a sewer but it would like move as the actors did to really sell the location? and crazy amounts of fog and shit too it was rly immersive

and they had these MASSIVE set pieces for like every location. like buildings and carts and the barricade and everything. it was so well done idk how they had room for them backstage

and the Thénardiers were so funny jesus christ. they stole the show every time. my favorite murder couple i hate them so much. during cossete and marius’s wedding where they were dancing and during the line “this one’s a queer” Thénardier dipped a man and the entire audience applauded lmao. his stage presence was so campy and evil and hilarious

which was desperately needed because the rest of the show was fucking DEVASTATING oh my god

i never got empty chairs at empty tables before but like. holy shit. it was so fucking tragic. they all like lined up behind marius holding candles and then marius blew his candle out like YOU CANT DO THAT TO ME

also felt so bad for éponine someone give that girl a break. marius was too down bad to notice anything. like dude.

“you’re such a good friend éponine! i love you! please deliver this love letter to cossete for me please! thank you friend! :D”

and éponine is straight up passing away go dkdofoskrkrkdo

i have so many more thoughts but my fingers are getting tired

[ilovetheater-nl]

MILAN VAN WAARDENBURG ALS JEAN VALJEAN IN LES MISÉRABLES THE ARENA SPECTACULAR WORLD TOUR IN AMSTERDAM!

Milan van Waardenburg maakte grote indruk bij pers en publiek met zijn vertolking vanJean Valjean tijdens de afgelopen Nederlandse tournee van de vernieuwde versie van Boublil and Schönberg’s musical LES MISÉRABLES, geproduceerd door De Graaf & Cornelissen Entertainment en Van Lambaart Entertainment. Voor deze uitvoering werd hij genomineerd voor ‘Beste Mannelijke Hoofdrol’ bij de Musical Awards…

[vanjeans]

Bucketlist 2021 - Puhoi River Adventure accomplished!

https://puhoirivercanoes.co.nz/ 

[the-real-fantine]

Update I’m out not Jean Vanjean was like hey let her out so they did.

Lol posting from prison! I’m not guilty just they think so.

[vangenius]

What I cannot say

I'm lifted by your presence, you remind me how to feel. Your eyes, your smile, the way you laugh, how could you be so real. Though fate has drawn a line, and we are worlds apart. Though in my dreams, you always hold, the key to my heart.

My mind runs through endless fields, holding hands with you. And everytime you say my name, it feels like winter dew. I never thought I'd find, someone so brave and pure. Yet when you smile and share your dreams, your words pull me like a lure.

(chorus) My mind is entangled, in what we could have been. Racing thoughts within lifes lanes, where we could both be free. I open up myself, yet I'll leave my feelings shelved. For I cannot share them with you, as your hearts with someone else.

My heart is always breaking, yearning to be close to you. I haven't felt like this before, this feelings something new. You do those little things, those things that you just do. You make me feel inspired and strong, something that's humbly due.

You live your life with passion, your hopes shine with grace. What I would give to be the one to put a smile on that face. I edge my life in reason and stoke my soul fires bright. The way my heart calls for you goes deep into the night.

(chorus) My mind is entangled, in what we could have been. Racing thoughts within lifes lanes, where we could both be free. I open up myself, yet I'll leave my feelings shelved. For I cannot share them with you, as your hearts with someone else.

Though time can heal these aching wounds, the scars will surely stay, Reminders of the love I felt, that couldn't find its way. I'll cherish every memory, each whisper of your voice, And though we walk on different paths, I'll respect your final choice.

I'll write your name on steamed glass and cross it out once more. Try to forget we cannot be and let my heart bleed raw. But for now as life moves forward and we move onto other space. I'll take a moment to warm my heart with that smile upon your face.

[vangenius]

This mind grows weary

In a world of sadness, how do we stop feeling sad anymore. In a world of madness, how do we stop feeling mad anymore. I will continue listening and dreaming of another soul to help feel complete. Though when all you do in life is wait, perhaps it's time for eternal sleep.

[vangenius]

How I see it should be

In a world of darkness,

Even though there’s a sun.

With a million voices screaming,

For a people to, get along.

Why can’t there be magic, in love and caring,

Why can’t there be tears of joy, and a world without suffering.

We need to do better, we need to learn to breathe,

And heal all this sadness, and make the blind men see.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Reach out for eachother, lets forgive the past,

So much corruption, and a hate they wish would last.

It causes division, where there should be unity.

Why can’t we love one another, and sing in harmony.

You are my brother, regardless of race or creed,

And we need eachother, for this world to be free.

Take back your wealth, your health, yourself,

And open to things that could truly be.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Raise your voice, lift the minds near you,

We have a choice,it’s time to learn what line you drew,

Sands blow away, those lines will fade away,

Heal from our past, there’s no room for yesterday.

Connect to another, it’s time to learn from all,

Don’t close your mind, you’ll find, there’s a whole world to feel,

A million stories of knowledge, no ones truly right or wrong.

Souls of nations calling and hurting, teaching lessons of where they’re from.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Take back your words of fear, there’s no room for it anymore.

I’m taking my place right here, right now, growth and love is what’s instore.

You are you, and we are them. Raise your arms together, don’t spread yourself so thin.

Don’t close off yourself, open up and share your wealth.

It’s time to heal, and feel, and kneel, we can improve this worlds health.

-=-=-=-==-=--=-=-=-

I have a weird mind, anyone I've been with can tell you they've always ended up frustrated with the way I think about things in this world and there's never really been true understanding as me as a person and my mindsets, one thing I've never really understood in this world is why this world is the way it is, so much hurt and sadness that's just so accepted as part of society. I wish the world and people would do more to heal from the past and move toward a more unified future of love, kindness, compassion and understanding together from all walks of life.

[vangenius]

Wordless Mind

Why do you feel the need, to invalid everything I’ve been through.

You assume our brains are the same, there’s so little that you knew.

I’ve lived life through a mask, in an inpolite polite society,

Just because this world was made for you, doesn’t mean it was made for everybody.

Everytime I open my mind and let my thoughts unwind,

You close the box, and tell me that my words need to rewind.

You throw labels and fables about how I need to be.

You don’t understand in this world I’m struggling to breathe.

Everytime I find something new, someone new, to endure,

Who seems patient and kind and ready to let me soar.

When that box opens it brings chaos and catastrophe.

Little understanding, little openness, little of the way the world should be.

People flee from what they fear, no understanding from the masses.

No hope, no love, their words flow like poison gases.

We reach out, we yell out, to be seen and felt and heard.

But touch misses, the yell softens, as we realise your truth is blurred.

I wish I could be myself, in a world of understanding.

No judgement, no foul humour, no “crazy”, or “weird” branding.

When sharing points of view, bringing strange worlds to your attention,

You pull the people closest near and force my intervention.

There’s no growth, no learning, no second mind open state.

Instead there’s pain and suffering, left alone on a solemn stake.

I wish I could be free, have a mind with no need to hide.

But after every people interaction, I die a little more inside.

[vangenius]

Left Broken

In the sadness, and the madness, in a world that used to soar.

I am trembling, I am am crumbling, with nothing to live for.

I am beaten, I am broken, beyond what words can say,

I am hunched down and I’m crawling away from yesterday.

Take back your lies, they mean nothing anymore,

You have whipped me til I bled, I can’t give you anymore.

From the darkness, you’ve created, you’ve left my world in scars.

I am now struggling to breathe, these steps won’t take me far.

(Chorus) I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, I can’t take it anymore.

From broken wishes to bad dreams, I’ve lost my faith in you,

You could say I’m left alive in a world you’re chewing through,

In this time, I take my power, away from your strong grasp.

And I’ll reach for greater things, away from your dark past.

(Chorus)  I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, it’s time for me to soar.

In a world of broken colours, I can’t clearly see the light,

I’ve lost me inside myself and it doesn’t seem just right,

Suffering from my delusions, that things could just be fixed,

But I’m left here all alone, with just my wounds to lick.

I have no friends, no new dreams and that’s a symptom of you,

It’s time for me to put my foot down and tell you that we’re through,

Stuck in a world of empty tunnels, twisting endlessly and dark,

On a boat with no oar and rudder, and no way to disembark

(Chorus) I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, it’s time for me to soar.

I’m left in daytime nightmares, just darkness in my wake,

Wading through empty days, there’s so much one man can take,

I’ll sit here empty and alone, even though I know it’s not right,

I pray someone finds me and helps guide me to the light.

[vangenius]

Time for me to go

Welcome to, my dilemma, I think it’s crystal clear.

That every time we argue, you’re never really there.

No feedback, from yourself, my words just hit a wall.

And every time this happens, my feelings they just fall.

I once believed in myself, but now I’ve lost my trust.

That I can navigate, without turning things to dust.

I’m looking for some answers, in why we can’t just quit.

You see I searched for love, but this is just not it.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

I’ve been wandering, through hallways in my mind.

It’s getting hard for me, lost from answers I could find.

I felt we could do it all, we could fix things with the flow.

There’s no real compromise, I’m here to tell you so.

Because I care so much, this really must be done.

You have to realise, I’m maybe not the one.

I internalise, and struggle with who I am.

For when we can not talk, I’d wished that I’d just ran.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

Please understand, I’m here to wish you well.

Even though, there’s love, I’m pulled against a swell.

We could struggle through and live this toxic dream.

But when we yell and scream we say what we don’t mean.

It’s too much, and I think you need to know.

It’s unhealthy, and it’s time to take things slow.

It’s safe to say, we’re both struggling to learn.

In the process all we do, is leave each other with burns.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

In the end, I know that I am sure.

Because of this love, I know you de-serve more.

It’s time to move and learn from the past.

I wish you wellness and a happiness that lasts.

[vangenius]

I found some old things I wrote when I was 15, once upon a time that writer was full of hope and bright thoughts. I'm 37 now, we go through life and experience heartbreak, pain and grief, we lose so many people we once cared about. We struggle with mental health, disabilities and things that are apart of us, become “us”.

We forget who we are and who we once were, forget the dreams and aspirations we once had. Anxiety stops us from pursuing things that could severely improve our lives. Not seeing a friend just because you haven’t connected in a while, experiencing experiences because you gain a fear of travelling and the unknown.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself, between bouts of sadness, broken relationships, struggling to communicate with people I care about and a life I never really felt like I belonged in. An imposter syndrome that not only makes you feel like you don’t belong among crowds, but even that you don’t belong on this planet.

I’ve never really accepted who I am and what I’ve been through, I don’t understand the pain and confusion that comes from people we love and have never really learnt how to deal with it. My mum used to have severe anxiety when I was a kid, overthinking and constantly worried about the worst case scenarios in every situation, it would drive me crazy. Ironically my mind became shaped in similar ways, constantly trapped in a cycle of fear and rejection through my life, never truly feeling a connection with people and hyperfocusing on people that excite me to the point I would scare them off with my ramblings.

I feel what I’m trying to say, is that sometimes we need to take a step back and remember what we came from and who we were to understand who we could become and how to grow from where ever you are now. Your mental health, those times those people hurt you, the times you hurt yourself, those are not you. You can’t live your life controlled by what you’ve struggled with in the past, what causes the negative thoughts in your brain to overwhelm you daily from the hurt. Sometimes we need to reconnect with that thing inside you that once spoke of hope.

[vangenius]

Finding acceptance in love

In the shadows of memories, I wander alone,

Haunted by echoes of love, now overthrown.

Each scar a story, each tear a melody,

Lost in the echoes of what used to be.

(Chorus) But I long to feel again, to love without fear,

To find someone open-minded, whose acceptance is clear.

In the depths of my heart, I search for a friend,

To heal these wounds, to help me mend.

Through the corridors of time, I roam,

Searching for solace, a place to call home.

But the echoes of past pain, they linger on,

Leaving me broken and feeling withdrawn.

(Chorus) Yet I yearn to feel again, to love without dread,

To find someone who sees me, not just the tears I've shed.

In the chambers of my soul, I seek a new start,

With someone who'll embrace me, flaws and heart.

(Bridge) For the past may hold lessons, but it doesn't define,

The future that's waiting, where new love will shine.

So I'll keep my heart open, despite all the ache,

Hoping to find someone, a love I can make.

(Chorus) I crave to feel again, to love without pain,

To find someone understanding, who'll dance in the rain.

In the tapestry of life, I seek a fresh spark,

With someone who'll meet me, right here in the dark.

(Outro) So here I stand, bruised but not broken,

Ready to embrace love, no longer unspoken.

For in the arms of someone open and kind,

I'll find the love and acceptance, to ease this troubled mind.

And when all is said and done, and this life’s laid to rest,

From this tapestry we have woven, and we’ve given it our best.

We’ll show love can rise from darkness, there’s a lot we can gain,

For from these two souls, we’ll heal eachother from past pain.

[vangenius]

Difference in minds

Difference in minds

Another day it’s hard to breathe,

I wish you could see inside me.

Full of voices in my mind and none of them I’d call my own.

Convoluted twisted space, I force this smile across my face.

And dream of silence in my head, to force the noises to be still.

Even in rooms full of faces, I feel secluded and alone.

Understanding is just words, nodding silently and ill.

Why can’t you see I am consumed, by the darkness in this life,

Even when there should be light, something snuffs it out inside.

This brain is not working, it’s a burden I must hide,

To fit into this world, designed by different minds.

You say you understand me, but your actions say something else.

Metaphorical explanations because I cannot explain it well.

This leaves us in a place, where we cannot live and grow,

We scream through all the silence but we cannot hear our minds,

Ignorance in the noises, consuming what we know.

Why can’t you see I am consumed, by the darkness in this life,

Even when there should be light, something snuffs it out inside.

This brain is not working, it’s a burden I must hide,

To fit into this world, designed by different minds.

There’s a blackness in the squiggles, that darken my head,

I can’t explain, I cannot stand, the mess I leave behind.

Living in constant confusion, this is all I’ve ever known. I can learn, I can experience but the knowledge does not grow.

Locked in a constant battle, trying to explain the thoughts in me.

To you it is just words, to me I’m trying to breathe.

Why can’t you see I am consumed, by the darkness in this life,

Even when there should be light, something snuffs it out inside.

This brain is not working, it’s a burden I must hide,

To fit into this world, designed by different minds.

Designed by different minds.

Designed by different minds.

I struggle in this world, built by different minds.

[vangenius]

Christmas

Christmas

I’ve always found Christmas to be a difficult time of year for me. I believe it might be in part from the expectations of the season from people, “to be merry and happy and jolly through the entire season”, when I feel my brain doesn't have that capability a lot of the time. I used to find it difficult when visiting two divorced parents and having one feel of them feeling guilty and embarrassed as they couldn’t provide what they believed the other was possibly providing to my brother and myself. In reality I didn’t really feel like I fit in with the Christmas events my father would have as well with his other family at the time so it was always a woeful time of year. Moving from a location you felt as if you didn’t belong to a location where there was sadness for what they believed they weren’t able to provide you always made Christmas a depressing event I wasn't looking forward too each year. A parent shouldn't have to feel that they have to apologise to their children for lack of gifts or money or anything like that, just spending time together is the precious part of it.

I also find Christmas difficult as it’s probably one of the main times I actually do take a holiday from work, as most would know I’m a bit of a workaholic and rarely take leave at all. I would love to see friends and do things with them during this time but the majority of the time they are too busy with their own friends and families to want to do anything or respond to messages, etc. That sort of thing alone can cause your mental health to take a hit.

I also have a tendency to wait on people when I’ve asked them to do something, maybe a board game session, or a hike or even a trip to a café. When they tell me they will get back to me with when they can do it, I will end up waiting for that response and not really planning anything else. I’m unsure if this is related to my ADHD at all or just something else I do mentally, there’s been so many times when I’ve done this in the past and the plans never happened, the people never came back to me and never made a future plan and I’ve just wasted time waiting.

I remember being younger once and being very busy during these holidays, using them to do trips, do activities, receiving a hundred texts wishing you Merry Christmas you had to reply to, etc. I feel as we get older and maybe we end up with less close friends over time, it’s hard to keep this up when the friends you used to do it with have moved on with their own lives and started their own families. It’s also hard to know who close friends are a lot of the time, I know we have interactions at places like work where we may feel someone is sort of close to us in a way but that other person may not feel the same way at all. The whole “work acquaintance” thing has always confused me as I used to have some amazing friends in past jobs I used to do things with and then as soon as the jobs ended, you don’t hear from them again.

Maybe what’s a part of what makes Christmas better for some people, is as they start their own families they can plan their own events, make their own traditions and view the beauty of Christmas again through a child’s eyes instead of just trying to make it work as an adult and figuring out who may want to engage with you. Maybe someday I’ll have something like that with someone special to me and it’ll cause the other parts to fade away and be replaced with rolling tides of happiness in the future.

All I can say for now is Merry Christmas and let us hope for the best for 2024.

[vangenius]

Unknown

I feel like something is happening to my brain recently, I'm struggling to figure out how to explain it.

When I'm out and about I try my best to try and be the regular social version of me that I can be even though it gets exhausting. However, when I'm at home, I feel like I've started developing weirder quirks than I've ever had in the past when I'm burnt out.

Noises seem to affect me more than usual and I've noticed myself doing weird ticks where my head twitches to the side and my head seems to hurt for brief moments, it also feels like I can't think at all during these times, my mind goes blank regarding anything I was thinking about. I also stutter quite a bit and struggle to express the words inside my head a lot more than usual which is frustrating and embarrassing.

I've been reading online that a lot of people who mask most their lives Infront of others to seem normal and such, as they get older when they feel like they are in a safe space, the quirks they try to mask on a daily basis end up coming out more as a result, essentially traits of theirs that they would usually mentally burn themselves up on by masking them daily due to embarrassment to them or the ideas they don't want to be perceived in a certain way by people who wouldn't understand.

I've been wondering if this may be part of it, after long days of talking to others, maybe being at home is letting those parts come out more as I get older, is it harder to keep them in or more acceptance of myself that they are indeed apart of my buildup in some form.

However if it isn't, then I'm worried. Is my ADHD getting worse somehow? Is it something else entirely?

I've never had the tick thing before in my life, it started some months ago. It also happens a lot when I'm in a heightened state like a confrontational conversation which doesn't look good in those instances to the other person when I lose track of what's happening in the conversation and just want to shut it down or move on at that point, it just makes it worse and the person ends up angry with me.

I'm making this note as a historical entry and reminder for myself.