#used to use Spotify a lot for my anxiety and I had playlists for making art too

[chibelial]

@ every company who advertises on Spotify, my hatred for you will never fizzle out and will boycott you all for this misery

[gretavangroupie]

The Ripe and The Ruin (Chapter 7)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader, OC x Reader

Word Count: 10.2k

Warnings: Language, Alcohol, Smoking, Angst, Anxiety, Allusions to Cheating, Lying, Jealousy, Sexual Themes, Crying.

Find the Playlist Here: Apple Music | Spotify

A new series in collaboration with my talented co-writer @gretavanmoon.

A/N: Thanks so much for waiting for us while we took our little break. We had the absolute best time at our shows. We plotted and schemed most of the week and there really is quite a bit of exciting new things on the horizon, so keep your eyes peeled.

"Like all good fruit, the balance of life is in the ripe and ruin."

DUBLIN, IRELAND

HER POV

“There,” you whispered, putting the final touches on the food display. You gathered up the empty boxes and trash and made your way out the back door of the venue to dispose of them. You hoped you wouldn’t see anyone along the way, keeping your AirPods in as a public declaration to leave you alone.

You’d thrown yourself into work the last week, doing things that didn’t even fall under your scope of work just to fill the time. Your phone was on mute, but that didn't stop the calls. The texts. The songs. They all still came, but you paid them no mind. You couldn’t. You couldn’t be that girl. You couldn’t be the one to ruin a relationship. 

You hadn’t spoken to Jake since the friend request came through. You still hadn’t even accepted it. You didn’t know if you even should. She obviously knew who you were, and that alone scared you more than anything. How did she know?

You hadn’t spoken to Josh either. He had done his best to avoid you since that night in the bar, his look more than disappointed as he walked away. You felt a twinge of regret that you’d let him down, but you and Jake were nothing, and he has a girlfriend. He should be more mad at Jake than you. 

A call rings through your AirPods, the robotic voice alerting you to Ruth’s Facetime call. You make the split second decision to accept it, pulling your phone from your pocket and tapping the green button. 

“Hello,” you answer, shielding your face from the sun. 

“God, it’s so weird that it’s sunset there and I’m just now eating breakfast,” she says, taking a bite of a bagel. 

“Babes it’s literally what, noon there? Why are you just now eating breakfast?”

“Ugh, this isn’t about me, quit changing the subject,” she gripes.

“What?! I just–”

“Did you accept it yet?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows. 

“No! Are you insane! Why would I do that! Then she would know that I know who she is, and then she would know that I know she knows who I am!” you shout. 

“Yeah, I…am not even gonna try to decipher what you just said,” she says, shaking the ice in her coffee. 

“Ruth! Ugh!”

“What!? I’d accept it, you have nothing to hide. It’s not like you’re posting about him.”

“But–”

“But what? Show her you’re a hot bitch and she should be scared!” she laughs, tilting her head side to side. 

“You are actually a terrible influence,” you scoff. 

“Fine, what about McSexy,” she says, slurping up the last bits of coffee through her straw.

“Are you done with that yet? GOD.”

“You’re so dramatic,” she laughs, tossing it into the trash. “Spill about Beefy McGuns before I throw myself off a cliff.”

“Yeah I am the dramatic one,” you sigh, rolling your eyes. “Murph is…well, he’s good I guess. We have been hanging out a little bit since… ya know. We snuck into the hotel pool a few days ago, got Gelato night before last and last night we went to Temple Bar because the guys had an outing thing.”

“Okay, so you and McDouble are like kinda hot and heavy courting,” she asks. 

“Please don’t call him McDouble, that is gross. I mean, courting sounds kinda…more serious than it is. We are just hanging out.”

“A lot.”

“Yeah, kind of a lot,” you admit. 

“Do you like him more than Mr. Pene-Traitor?”

“RUTH ANNE!” you shout, trying to stifle back laughter. 

“Answer the question,” she snaps. 

“No! I don’t know! I mean, I like them equally for different reasons,” you answer.

“Well who is better in the sack?”

“Um…”

“Oh my god, you haven't slept with McSexy yet?” she asks, mouth gaping open.

“No! It hasn’t…gone there yet,” you reply. 

“Yet…So you intend for it to…” she smirks. 

“Well, I wouldn’t hate it,” you laugh. “I’m kinda like not planning to sleep with Jake again after all this shit. Murph seems less…complicated. He’s fun, and respectful, and we just mesh so well when we hangout. We have a lot in common and it’s just so easy. It’s not serious or anything but I’m trying to see where this thing goes.”

“So guitar daddy is out, officially…”

“Jesus Christ, Ruth.” you sigh, “I mean I haven't spoken to him in almost a week now. I’ve been ignoring every attempt and conveniently finding myself in the opposite room as him. I don't know what to even say to him without exploding so I have just been saying nothing.”

“Has he added any songs or anything?” she asks, quirking a brow. 

“A few but I haven’t replied,” you answer. 

“Oh I bet it’s eating him up, too.”

You shrug your shoulders as you see the back door open, Sam stepping out to light up a cigarette. 

“Hey, I gotta go, the family unit is present,” you say quietly nodding your head to the side. 

“Okay, well, personally I think you should accept her request. I’d think it's more suspicious that you haven’t if I were her. Maybe she just wants to talk.”

“I will think about it,” you say, pursing your lips. “I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Alright alright, and don’t forget my souvenir. I want one with sandy brown hair, blue eyes and an Irish accent.”

“You are actually so annoying.”

Your phone dings in your ear as a text flashes across the screen. 

“Oh shit,” you gasp. “It’s Murph.”

“What's up McBeefy?!” Ruth shouts. 

You open the text, reading it over quickly as a smile crosses your face. 

“Oh okay, why are you blushing Y/N? Huh, huh? Why you smiling like that?”

“So, he just said that The Black Keys are going to be in Glasgow on our day off next week,” you say, a little shocked. 

“As in The Black Keys that you’ve loved your whole life Black Keys?”

“Those would be the ones…”

You

6:02PM: How did you know I love them?

Murph

6:03PM: Just had a feeling 😉

Murph

6:04PM: I’m gonna tell the guys, I’m sure they will want to go. 

You

6:05PM: I definitely want to go.

Murph

6:06PM: Well good thing I just bought us tickets

“Hello?! Earth to Y/N!” Ruth shouts, and truthfully you forgot she was on the line. 

“Fuck, sorry,” you say, reopening Facetime.

“What did you say?!”

“I told him I want to go and he said he already bought us tickets,” you smile. 

“Mmhm, yeah it’s not serious at all though,” she mocks. 

“Gotta go! Love you bye!” you smile, ending the call and shoving your phone into your pocket.

You nod to Sam as you walk back into the building, making your way back into the greenroom to finish up. Your music begins to play through your AirPods again, and you feel a sense of calmness now that you’ve gotten a little reassurance from Ruth. You tidy up the room a bit, grabbing a few empty cans and chip bags and banishing them to the trash can that is seemingly invisible to these four men.

Just as you turn around you see Jake stepping into the room with his eyes on you. 

Fuck. 

You jump back a bit in shock, watching as he throws his hands up in innocence.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, a guilty look on his face. 

You pull your earbuds from your ears and place them in their case as you lean against the wall behind you. “It’s fine. What’s up?” you ask, trying to seem casual. 

“You think we can talk for a second?” he asks, rubbing his fingers over his chin. 

“Um, right now? I’m just finishing this up?” you counter, not really feeling like this is the best time for, well, this. 

He walks over to the small couch, tapping the spot next to him, “Please, just for a second.”

His brown eyes lock with yours and you know there is no way you can deny him. He had that effect on you. You nod and walk over to him, sitting next to him. Maybe this is it. 

You watch as he pulls in a deep breath as if trying to organize the thoughts in his head. He swallows nervously and turns his gaze to you. 

“You know, this last week has been…well, to be honest, it’s been complete shit,” he starts, locking his fingers together. “We went from seeing each other nearly every day and texting and everything to…whatever this is. Not speaking…”

You nod your head, wanting to hear his piece before giving your own. 

“I miss you. I’ve missed you a lot. I have hated every second of this silence and I would very much like to get things back to how they were before… all of this.”

Did Josh not tell him about Murph? Surely he had…

His hand reaches for yours, grabbing it in his own as he continues and you are praying he is ready to come clean. 

JAKE POV

“I know I’ve been a total and complete asshole, Y/N, and you don’t deserve that. That’s not me,” you go on, squeezing her hands in yours. Your voice continues to crack, and the emotion you feel while telling her all this actually surprises you. It’s hard to talk to her, hard to get things out. But you only know that it is because you’re positive that it all means something bigger. Your internal alarm clock is ticking, you can feel the time to get on stage is drawing closer and closer. “I just want you to know how sorry I am.”

“Jake, listen. I appreciate your apology, but I'm still not even sure what you’re sorry for? I mean, I know shit went sideways but, you never even told me why…” she goes on, pure confusion painting her expression. “I know that I was and am being left in the dark about something, and I don’t want to end up looking like the idiot.”

“Fuck, I know,” you say, rubbing a hand over your face. You can feel the bile swirling in your stomach as you prepare to speak again. “If you… I want to talk to you some more, and explain myself, but…”

“...You go on in like fifteen minutes and you aren’t even dressed yet,” she answers.

You nod, sucking in your bottom lip. Her eyes are glazed over, not with tears, but with some other overwhelming sentiment. Your voice shakes as you go on. “If you’re willing to hear me out, I have a long story I want to tell you.”

She takes a second to consider, and you know that she could just as easily tell you to fuck off, get away from her, and to never speak to her again. But instead she nods, meeting your eyes with pity. “It’s hard saying yes to this Jake, I’m not gonna lie…”

“I know it is. I know it, I’m so sorry, I’m just. You deserve to hear it all. From me,” you beg. The anxiety of it all is making you dizzy, and you hadn’t even told her anything yet. But you’re positive that when the time comes, it will all be worth it. She’s worth it. 

“Please trust me.”

She nods again. “Just…come to my room after the show?”

“I’ll be there,” you agree with a smile, and you feel the faintest hint of positivity, a tiny flame burning at the end of the tunnel. 

—

After an electric show, you dab the towel across your forehead and neck, wiping away the heavy sweat beads that continue to pour down. 

“Just keeps getting better and better, guys!” Paul compliments you as you pass by, making your way down the hall to the green room. 

“Thanks, man. Appreciate you,” you reply with a pat to his shoulder.

“Daniel, you hitting the shower?” you ask as you watch him take a seat on a red leather chair.

“Mm, here in a few, gonna have a drink first.” He pulls Mia over by the hand to sit on his lap, playfully wiping his sweat-covered arm across her face. “Where are Josh and Sam?”

You quietly walk over to the craft table, giving Y/N a sweet glance as you grab a mini bag of chips from the box, watching as she and Ty fiddle around with whatever random food is displayed across the table. “I dunno, they seemed like they were bickering all night, did you notice that?”

“Mmmhm,” Danny says through a long drink of a seltzer. “I could literally see the fuckin’ blurry tension between them, who the hell knows. He say anything to you, Ly?”

“Mmm, nope. Didn’t say anything to me…” Lyla avoids his gaze. You glance to Ty, and he offers you the same answer.

Just then, Josh and Sam burst through the door in a huffed mess of antics, yelling obscenities at one another as Josh’s hands fly up in the air around him. These two rarely fight, but every once in a while, one of them will get under the other’s skin. And sometimes it’s even worse, when they both manage to piss the other off so profusely, things can sometimes get physical. 

Josh’s voice is raised, and Sam’s face and neck are blotched red. You know that whatever it is, it isn’t good. 

“How about you stay the hell out of my face and sit the fuck down somewhere, huh?” Sam yells, grabbing a White Claw from the mini fridge and chugging it all almost in one drink. Your eyes dart directly to Danny who is just as stunned as you are, and equally as confused. 

“I’ll sit the fuck down when you stop running your fucking mouth, Sam,” Josh barks.

“Whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on?” you ask, moving toward them.

“Oh nothing, nothing, brother. Nothing at all,” Sam huffs, fury raging from him. You watch his eyeliner-covered eyes skitter across the room and finally land on Y/N, glaring at her from his peripheral. What the fuck?

For some reason, just his look pisses you off. 

“Not nothing, the fuck is your problem?” you ask him again, shooting your eyes between him and Josh. You see Mia rise up from Danny’s lap, joining Lyla on the couch. They sit closely together, and you swear they’re both biting back laughs. 

You finally move your eyes to Josh, giving him a stern look only the two of you can understand. ‘You got something to say?’ you ask him in your mind. 

He replies with an eye roll, shrugging his shoulders as he slips his stage jacket off. Josh is biting his tongue, you can tell, and the look in his eye is one you’ve seen often. With whatever rage he’s harboring mixed with the however many fireball shots he’s taken tonight, this could get bad. 

You look at Danny, as he knows the heavy feeling in the room all too well, too. You mentally ask him for backup.

Danny stands and clears his throat. “Uh, so… we going out tonight? We’re wasting moonlight if so…”

You jump in and agree. “Yeah, yeah let’s go grab a Guinness or something.” The room stays quiet as you and Danny make moves to get going, but the heaviness is still there. You decide to turn the attention elsewhere. “Y/N, Ty, you coming out with us?”

You can tell that Y/N feels like she’s invading the awkward encounter that’s currently happening in the room, just from her body language. 

“Yeah, um, sure… I suppose…” she says meekly. You offer her a little grin of reassurance.

“Oh, you mean you’re not hanging out with Murph tonight? Shocking!” Josh interjects, the tone of his voice menacing. Your head shoots to him. 

Y/N shakes her head, her entire demeanor falling. “Uh, no? No, why would I…” she stammers. 

“Just figured,” Josh continues, “You guys seemed pretty cozy the other night when I caught you making out at the bar in Paris, just thought you’d be continuing the festivities!”

“Josh!” Ty yells.

Hold…the fuck…on…

Your ears go deaf as you process Josh’s words, all the blood draining from your body, your extremities numb, your throat instantly dry. What the fuck. What the fuck??? He’s lying… That’s not true… she wouldn’t…

You hear a collective snicker from Mia and Lyla, both of them obviously loving whatever fucking show is happening right now. 

You somehow find the courage to look at Y/N, her face bloodshot and dripping with embarrassment as she turns away.

You feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Making out? With Murph? Paris… a week ago? And Josh didn’t bother to…

You can’t find the will to move, or speak, or breathe or anything. Your mind is wracked with confusion and stress, wondering what in the hell is going to happen next.

—

HER POV

Your heart is pounding in your chest as you turn to look at Josh. 

Why? Why did he say that?

Your eyes scan the room as everyone stares at you, but all you can focus on is the look on Jake's face. It was a look similar to the one you received from Josh that night, but Jake’s hurt worse. Hit you deeper. You feel the knife twisting in your chest. 

You can see his neck growing red, the color creeping up into his cheeks as his anger starts to bubble up. Your eyes flash over to Mia and Lyla who are snickering in the corner like two highschool bullies. 

You shake your head and press your tongue to your cheek as you try to figure out an appropriate response. You decide at that moment that you owe none of them a single word. You silently grab your things and head to the door, brushing Jake’s shoulder as you pass. 

“Guess you’re not the only one with secrets, are you?”

You cut your eyes to Josh, completely shocked at his audacity to speak about something that didn’t involve him so publicly. It seemed out of character for him and you can tell by the way everyone is reacting to his outburst. 

You barely make it through the back door as the tears start to fall against your will. You feel so embarrassed. Everything has gotten so out of hand and now Josh hates you and you know Jake isn’t too far behind him. 

You just need to go back to your hotel room. Go back and be alone and cry in peace. You pull your phone from your purse and find the address for the hotel, and much to your displeasure, you see that it is a brisk three mile walk. Not to mention it is 42 degrees. You lock your phone in frustration knowing you have to go back inside and wait for the van to take you all back. 

You sneak back inside and head straight for the bathroom, locking yourself in one of the stalls and sitting down on the toilet bowl. You know the van isn’t going to leave for at least another thirty minutes, if not more. You let the tears flow freely in the confines of the bathroom stall, until you physically can’t anymore. You dry up your cheeks with the sleeve of your shirt as a notification from Ruth pushes through. 

Ruth

11:43PM: You do it yet?

You decide to bite the bullet. Who even cares anymore at this point?

You open Instagram and tap on her request, hitting the little blue ‘accept’ button and watching as her page populates with photos. Right off the bat you see how pretty she is, every picture perfectly effortless and aesthetically pleasing. Then, you see Jake. Happy, smiling, and holding her. Recently.

You're surprised by the feelings swirling through you, as you’d convinced yourself that your feelings for him were much smaller than they apparently were. You look at every single photo, and with each swipe you feel your own guilt start to grow larger and larger. 

Had you ruined this?

You hear noise in the hallway and know that they are leaving, heading to the bar or wherever they decided. You wait until you hear them leave, letting yourself out of the stall and into the empty hallway. As you approach the green room you know you want to get in, finish cleaning up, and leave, avoiding as many people as humanly possible. You press your ear to the door to listen for voices, but you hear nothing and know that the coast is clear. 

Though, when you open the door, you are met with someone, and thankfully it’s a friendly face. You see Ty grabbing the canned drinks from the fridge and throwing them into a cooler. He spots you, looking relieved and stops what he’s doing. 

“There you are,” he sighs in relief. 

“Wha– What are you doing here, I thought everyone left?”

He walks towards you, taking you into a hug before you can even process what he’s doing. It’s as if he already knows how you’re feeling and you fall into it, letting him wrap you up in his arms. 

“I’ve been around long enough to know how shit tends to go down in this family. I knew that Josh was in one of his moods tonight and Sam pushed him over the edge. Unfortunately, you were on the receiving end of things. I don’t blame you for walking out, but I am glad you came back.”

“Why are you always looking out for me?” you ask, feeling like you might cry all over again. 

“Real recognizes real, baby,” he winks, releasing you from the hug and returning back to the cooler. 

“Ty,” you whine, knowing you don't deserve his kindness. 

“Look, I know I shouldn’t, because he needs to do this himself, but I am really sorry about Josh. I’m gonna make him apologize to you as soon as I see him, I swear.”

“No, no, no. It’s okay. He is right. This whole thing is a mess and he and Jake and shit, even Sam, have the right to be mad at me. I fucked up.”

He shrugs his shoulders, “It’s a little bit of a mess but, it will get cleaned up. And as for Sam, I don’t think Sam is mad at you, per say, but more of just the situation and how he learned of it. There’s been some other shit going on with him lately, but don’t you worry I’m on your team, here.”

“You don’t need to be on my team, Ty. You have dealt with enough of my shit,” you laugh, hoping he doesn’t actually take your advice. 

He closes the cooler up and takes one last look around the room, both of you finding it spotless. “Oh, just let me. This is my shit and I am used to corralling these rowdy motherfuckers, I do it in my sleep.”

You laugh and shake your head, “Alright, alright, fine.”

He nods in victory before turning to you again, “You’re coming to the bar, right?”

“No, I’m probably gonna go back to the hotel and cry some more.”

“Actually, you’re not. You’re gonna go back to the hotel, pretty yourself up and come meet me.” He flits his hand to his chest as he points to himself. “I’ll text you the address when I get there.”

“Ty I can’t! I can’t even face Jake right now! And Mia and Lyla… I don’t know…” you stammer. 

“No, hang out with me all night. You don’t even have to talk to those bitches, I don’t half the time.”

You laugh at his honesty, and realize maybe you could go tonight.

“I don’t know…”

“Listen, it will look a lot worse if you don’t go darling,” he says, tilting his head to the side. You know he’s right. 

“Alright, fuck it.”

—

TY POV

Involving yourself in other people’s business wasn’t always your forte. In fact, it was something you tried to stray far, far away from. The thought of adding unnecessary stress into your life seemed daunting and pointless, especially when the outcome ended up being opposite of the one you desired, but, nonetheless… You find yourself here, completely involved in whatever drama is transpiring between Jake and Y/N. 

It’s none of your business in the least. It never was. But you could tell from the get-go that if no one else was going to step in and try to help each of them realize what was happening in front of them, you would have to be the one to do it. Who better, honestly?

You told Jake from the beginning that Isla seemed shady… though at first the two of them seemed like the happiest of two human beings, just like all new relationships do. She was good for him, and he treated her well. The day he told you and Josh that he told her he loved her, you were happy for him. Happy for them both. Things were good and they were taking Jake’s career changes in stride together. That was until you started to see straight through that bitch. 

That’s right, you’re not uncomfortable saying it anymore. She turned into a true-blue, cold hearted bitch. 

What started off as snide little remarks to Jake, in public, grew into full-blown insults that had you left with your mouth hanging open in disbelief. He let it slide off his back, though, and you swore it was like no one else even noticed it. How her behavior had changed almost overnight. You could see the respect she once held for Jake morphing into resentment right before your eyes, but everyone else seemed to think it was normal. 

It didn’t take long, though, for Josh’s twin-sense to be set off when he felt Jake’s normally low-key temper burning into fury; he was quite literally like a pot that was going to boil over anytime. Josh realized, but you don’t think he ever really realized, though to you, it was plain as fucking day. 

You and Josh welcomed him into your home, let him crash on the couch or in the guest room after he’d run away from her. It almost started to drive you insane that everyone else was just watching on as he let her walk all over him, all in the name of what everyone thought was love.

No. Fuck that. She may have loved him, but your senses absolutely buzzed with the feeling that all she was there for anymore was his status and fame. It made you sick how she took advantage of his popularity and his talent, only wanting to go out with him if it meant she’d be seen attached to his arm, only wanting to support him when it meant she’d reap the benefits. Made you fucking sick. 

But, like a good brother in law, you kept your mouth shut for the most part, until one day things got so bad you realized that Jake had seen the light, fully disconnecting himself from her right before you all left for this tour. 

And the minute you realized he was taking interest in Y/N, you felt like your heart could explode with relief for him. Finally, a distraction. The day you let him know how you felt about Isla in the bar was the first time you really said anything at all to him, hoping that your words of honesty would help to further the situation. 

But now… Now. Fuck, it seems like things have gotten messier than you anticipated. Y/N is the first person you’ve met in a while who matches your energy, who connects with you without any effort to do so. You like her a lot, and you are fighting to be on her team. But damn, if it doesn’t seem like she just dug herself into a hole…

So after what the fuck ever just happened in the green room, you know it’s time to strap your boots on and fix things, or at least try to. You’re no stranger to mediating arguments within this family, so you feel no shame in waltzing into this bar with a new flame lit under you. You’ve gotta fix this. For Y/N, and for Jake. 

You blow warm air into your hands as you walk into the bar, finding everyone gathered around a large table together. Good, they haven’t ripped each others’ heads off yet.

You take an empty seat next to Josh, greeting him with a quipped ‘Hey’ as you’re still a little bit pissed at his behavior earlier. His hand lands on your thigh, but you quickly pull it away, knowing that if you’re going to be the middleman here, everyone has to be on a level playing field. 

“The hell is wrong with you?” Josh slurs into your ear. 

You shoot a look his way, letting him know that now is not the fucking time. A quick glance around at everyone tells you that they’re all already fairly intoxicated, still sneering at one another overtop of their half-empty glasses. Great. Perfect. 

You take notice that Murph isn’t here, which is a good thing right now. He might need to stay behind and let the others have it tonight. You cross your arms over your chest as you make yourself comfortable in your seat. You clear your throat dramatically, effectively getting the attention of the table.

“Alright motherfuckers, who wants to tell me exactly what just happened in the green room?” you demand, taking a second to look Sam and Josh in the eyes first. The entire table groans and waves you off, except Sam, who gives you a look that says ‘Can’t tell you right now, but I will explain later…” He then does a quick glance to Lyla. You take mental note of that. 

Of course, Josh speaks first. “There’s not much to say, Ty… I caught our runner making out with our head of security last week, I don’t know what else you want me to say…”

“I want you to tell the table why you are so pissed off about that, Josh. Why are you so concerned with something that isn’t your business?” you quip back.

Josh mirrors your stance, crossing his own arms as he motions to Jake. “Hm, I don’t know, why don’t you ask my fucking twin, huh?” Everyone then turns all their attention to Jake, putting him directly in the spotlight. Your stomach turns over with nerves as you feel the tension in the room thickening with every passing second. You don’t want to do things this way. But, you’ve learned from experience, getting it all out on the table is the best way for them to do things like this. 

Jake is standing, running his tongue across his teeth, his face already glimmering with a nervous sweat. “Okay, fuck it,” he sets his beer down on the table, yanking a free chair out from underneath it and harshly taking a seat. “Y/N and I have been hooking up since tour started. Pretty regularly. Thought things were good. But I guess it doesn���t fucking matter anymore since apparently I was dumb to the fact that she’s more into our beloved Murphy.” You can tell he is seething. 

You hear Mia and Lyla gasp like the news was brand new to them. “So it’s fucking true, then, huh Jacob?!” Lyla practically yells, leaning over the table at him. “Ohhh, we fucking knew it, you sorry ass bitch.”

“It’s actually none of your fucking business, Lyla, so why don’t you lay the fuck off,” he retaliates.

You watch Mia put her hand on Lyla’s chest as she leans across her toward Jake, her words spitting with venom to him. “Actually it is my fucking business, Jake, Isla is my best friend you absolute dick! And she’s your fucking girlfriend!”

Jake almost stands from his chair completely, leaning over to her now. “She’s not my girlfriend anymore, Lyla! She hasn’t been for a long time! She just won’t admit it to anyone or even herself! Don’t speak on things you have absolutely no fucking idea about, Lyla. It’s not a good fucking look.” Jake is visibly vibrating with rage. You feel Josh doing the same.

Next thing you know you hear Sam bellowing toward Jake. “Hey, don’t fucking speak to her like that, man, or I swear to god–”

“Oh, I’d be fucking careful, Sam, given I know all the dirty details about our little conversation in my room the other night…” Jake defends himself with a finger pointed directly to Sam. His jaw is clenched so tightly you think he might break his teeth. 

Sam gives Jake a death glare that you know all too well, as Lyla turns in her seat to face him. “What the fuck is he talking about, Samuel? Is that why you disappeared drunk off your ass the other night? To go to Jake’s room? What did you talk about?”

Sam closes his eyes as he tries to diffuse his rage. “What the fuck ever, I’m just pissed everyone knew about Y/N and Jake besides me,” he slurs. “Always failing to let me in on the fuckin’ secrets.” You roll your eyes at Sam, suddenly confused and intrigued about what kind of conversation he had with Jake, anyway. 

“This is why, Sam! Right here! Shit blows up!” Jake yells. 

Josh groans, leaning his elbows on the table to Jake. “Yeah, just like I fucking told you it would.”

Jake scoffs hard. “Don’t talk to me about shit blowing up when you didn’t tell me for a god damn week that she was fucking around with Murph behind my back, Josh!”

“Ohhhhhoho, don’t try and pull that, I told you this shit wasn’t going to work anyway,” Josh responds with a sneer. 

“Wasn’t going to work?!” Mia yells. “What do you mean, wasn’t going to fucking work?! You have a girlfriend Jacob, are you a fucking idiot?!”

You watch as Danny physically lets his face fall into his hands, shaking his curls side to side.

“Alright, alright, everybody calm the fuck down,” Josh says loudly, actually qualming a situation for once in his life. “Let’s take a break, let’s talk this out.”

You dart your head to the side to give him a sharp look. “No, Josh, you’re the one who opened your big mouth in the green room and set everybody off, let’s hash this shit out right now. Everyone’s doing an excellent job of letting it all fly. Let’s not stop now,” you argue, putting your foot down. You motion with your hand to everyone at the table. “Keep going, let’s go…”

You hear a wholehearted laugh come from Jake at Josh’s expense.

Sam looks at Lyla, raising his voice a little. “Is this why you’ve been so fucking irritable lately?”

Oop, shouldn’t have gone there, kid.

She shoots back in her chair, looking as if she’s ready to pounce on him. “Whoa, whoa, irritable? Excuse me? Actually ya know what, yeah, I guess it fucking is!” She yells. “You’d be fucking pissed too, wouldn’t you?!”

“I guess I don’t know, since nobody ever fucking tells me anything!” Sam retaliates with his hands in the air.

“Sam you have got to be fucking kidding me… Do you not remember me sleeping on your couch for days at a time? Do you think I just did that because I missed you? Be serious…” Jake says with a little sincerity in his tone. 

“I don’t know! Shit, I guess I just thought you were…”

“Thought I was what?! Bored? Lonely? Hated my own home? Well, I guess that last one kinda makes fucking sense, now, huh?” Jake goes on, running a hand over his mouth.

Lyla speaks up. “All those nights you spent at our house Jake… you know Isla cried herself to sleep each and every one. Talked to me on the phone until 3AM until she couldn’t cry anymore because you fucking left her, over and over again–”

Jake leans his elbows on the table, hiding his face behind his folded hands. You can tell by the redness in his face that he is holding himself back from absolutely laying into Lyla. 

“Oh, you don’t even want to start with me, Lyla…” he grits his teeth, the vein in his head pulsing with rage again. 

“Chill out, Jake…” you hear Josh warn under his breath. 

“Do you know why I left, Lyla? Over and over again?!” His tone calms. “Yeah, I bet you don’t because all you care about is her fucking side of the story… did it not occur to you that I have one, too? What about my fucking feelings, huh? How do you know she’s not purposefully making me out to look like the bad guy? I bet nothing was her fault, was it? Hm?” He asks, looking around the table. Everyone stays silent, avoiding his glare. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. No one bothered to come and ask me what was wrong, hear my side of the story. Fucking figures, she always gets what she fucking wants, anyway,” he goes on, suddenly able to breathe through his words. “None of you cared to realize I’ve been fucking miserable for months? Tried ending things for months? I bet not, huh. You only got lies and a sob story from Isla.” He takes a deep breath. Keep going Jake…

“So yeah, I tried to end things with Isla. Multiple times. Now I know I have royally fucked up with making my life messier than it needs to be–”

“She still fucking lives with you, Jake–” Lyla cuts. 

“Yeah, I fucking know that, genius,” he eyes her sideways. “You think this has been easy for either of us? I asked her to move out way before we started packing for this fucking tour… So yes. I did start hooking up with someone else. And you know what? I don’t regret a goddamn second of it. I finally found something that makes me fucking happy, and not miserable every single second of my life. And if you want to know why I think my actions are justified, you can speak to me directly about it. I’m a grown fucking adult, and I don’t owe you a goddamn thing if you don’t even have the decency to speak to me about my own fucking business…” Jake cuts his eyes directly to Mia and Lyla, making them sink back in their seats a little. 

Fuck yes, Jacob. Fuck. Yes. 

Just then, like a sitcom hitting its dramatic peak, Murph enters the bar, leaving everyone gathered around the table even more speechless than they were before. You feel a collective breath be taken by everyone before Jake shoots up from his seat. “Another round?”

Hell yes. Success. 

Well, kind of. Progress. 

You look at your phone, seeing that Y/N had texted you a ‘?’ about fifteen minutes ago. 

“Perfect timing, Y/N is on her way here, too!” you announce, your voice full of pep. 

“You’re shitting me, right,” Josh murmurs under his breath to you. 

“Good, great. Grand. A big family reunion, huh?” Jake says sarcastically in his faux-accent. “I’m over the fucking moon.” Jake darts his eyes to Murph for a split second before making his way back to the bar. 

You take a second to hide your phone under the table, texting Y/N back.

You

12:32AM: Come. Sit with me. I’ll have a drink waiting for you. 

—

HER POV

Your palms are sweating with nervous energy, despite the freezing cold weather. You almost didn’t go. You talked yourself out of it three times before you ever left the room, but knowing that Ty was waiting for you was enough of a reason to go. He liked you, looked out for you and treated you like a friend even though he didn’t have to. You could suck it up for one night. 

As you push the door open you’re immediately met with warm air and the smell of stale beer. It’s loud in the small bar and terribly lit, making it hard to find the group. You see a hand wave you in its direction, and at the end of it, Ty. The table he is sitting at is fairly empty, most of the group dispersed throughout the bar, playing pool or darts. He pulls out the barstool next to him, sliding a drink in your direction. 

“You made it!” he smiles, watching you sit down next to him. 

“I did. What’s going on, I feel kinda weird about being here,” you admit. 

“Ahhh, don’t worry about it, everything is fine. Promise.” he says, taking a sip of his beer. “Everyone is pretty drunk now, and has already forgotten about earlier.”

You glance around the smoky bar and as you look behind you, your eyes meet with Josh’s, who is giving you the most apologetic eyes you’ve ever seen. You give him a curt smile, and turn back around, knowing that a conversation with him is low on your list of priorities at the moment. 

You spend most of the next hour with Ty, laughing and discussing anything and everything that does not have to do with Greta Van Fleet. He’s a sweet guy and you can tell why Josh fell for him, with his ability to make everyone feel heard and wanted, so easily. 

You’re two drinks in when you feel a warm hand on your shoulder, pulling you from your conversation with Ty. You turn to look at the person, but you can smell that it’s Jake, his cologne at the forefront of your mind. You feel him lean down to your ear, his breath on your neck. 

“I’d still like to talk tonight,” he whispers, his lips grazing the shell of your ear. 

You take a deep breath and try to center yourself. You turn fully to look at him, seeing that he is not nearly as mad as he seemed earlier, and you know you want to hear what he has to say. You want to hear his side of the story you’ve pieced together over the last week. You nod at him as your eyes meet his, and he nods back, stepping away to return to the bar already going over what he will likely say later.

— 

An hour later you find yourself in your hotel room, pacing as you anxiously wait to hear from Jake. He left the bar before you did, deciding to ride back with Ty and Josh after the others left. You took a shower and tidied up your room and still, you haven't heard from him, that is, until your phone buzzed on the dresser. 

Jake

1:47AM: What is your room number?

Shit! Okay. 

You

1:48AM: 407

You know it won't be long until he is knocking on the door, and your heart is beating hard in your chest. You try to slow your breathing and calm your heart rate before he gets here, but you know it's no use because it will spike again as soon as you see him. 

The knock echoes through the room and you make your way to the door, swallowing back your nerves. As you open the door you find him standing there with one hand in his sweats pocket, and the other gripping a CD. 

You look at it as he presents it to you, a smug smile on his face as you realize what it is. 

‘An Awesome Wave’.

“This is–”

“The album we listened to on the plane, yeah,” he finishes, smiling as he steps into your room. “Found it in a record shop the other day in London. Thought of you and that first time we talked on the plane.”

You both step further into the room, your heart already twisting at his sweet gesture. He thought of you. You sit on the edge of the bed as you stare at the CD in your hands. 

“Listen, I’m sorry you had to find out about Murph like that, I never meant for that to come out like that,” you offer, letting your eyes flick up to meet his as he stands in front of you. 

“Look, I came here to apologize to you, Y/N. Not the other way around. You said I’m not the only one with secrets, and I guess that’s true, but I am more interested in setting the story straight and finding out what secrets you seem to be privy to.”

JAKE POV

She holds your gaze for just a second as she leans forward, grabbing her phone from the dresser behind you. She takes a shaky breath as her thumb dances across the screen, obviously looking for something. Your heart starts to beat faster and faster as she searches for what she’s looking for, a million different suspicions of what it could be flying through your mind. 

Finally she turns her phone, showing you a screenshot of when Isla requested to follow her on Instagram. You feel your eyes grow as you breathe out a surprised “Oh.” 

Fuckkkkkkk. She found her. 

“Yeah. This was a while ago. I accepted her request tonight after the show. I know everything, Jake. I know about you and her. I know you’ve been lying to me this entire time,” she says bravely, gritting her jaw as she speaks. 

“Let me stop you there, Y/N. Please…” you beg, preparing yourself to finally lay everything out on the line. The time had come. You take a deep breath as you readjust your seat. “Where do I even fucking begin?” you ask rhetorically. 

“If I were you, I’d start at the beginning,” she suggests firmly. 

“Alright, okay, yeah…” you agree, doing your best to find the courage. “Her name is Isla Whitman. And… Yes, she still lives in my home. Isla and I had been together for a long, long time. She was there when everything skyrocketed with the band, right when everything started to take off. She moved in with me, life was going good. She uh… things were great, obviously, as I’m sure you’ve seen from the photos…” you say, motioning to her phone. “We were really good for a long time, I was really happy…”

“But then uh, but then things started to go south. Like really, really badly.” You wipe a heavy hand across your face as you relive those terrible days again. “I started to realize that she wasn’t here for me anymore, that she was here for whatever status I held. Only here because of the success of the band and shit. Only wanted to be seen and be a part of things if it meant she would be photographed and noticed by our fans. It was weird shit, like the fame got to her, and she wasn’t the one even… anyways. She turned into a completely different person, almost overnight. Apparently, uh… it was a lot worse than I even realized, now that I’m kinda putting things into perspective, and Josh and Ty are agreeing with me. She used me. She used the hell out of me. Talked down to me all the time. Gaslit me. Made everything my fault. We got into terrible, horrible fights. All the time. I’m talking fights so bad that we both would throw things at the walls. There at the end, I started spending nights on Josh or Sam’s couch, I’d completely leave for days on end until she’d swindle me into coming back home, all for it to happen again. Over and over. It was…really fucking horrible, Y/N,” you recount, feeling a lump growing in your throat. 

“I uh, I tried to get her to move out multiple times, told her I was finished, I couldn’t do it anymore. Mentally, I was done months ago. Over it. Then the night before we left for Europe, we fought and cried until 4:00 in the morning, and our flight left at six. The only way I could get out the door was if I agreed to go on a “break”. Which I know now was a stupid fucking idea,” you go on. 

“My idea of a break was no contact, cut off completely, do our own things while she found another place to live, then when I got home, we could discuss things like rational adults and get things figured out maturely, but. Ever since we’ve been here, she’s done nothing but try to involve herself in my life even more so than she did when I was home,” you bite your cheeks in as your eyes glaze over, feeling that same gut sensation that keeps haunting you at the worst times. That guilt creeping back up again and again. 

“My intention was never to hurt you, or harm you in any way at all, Y/N. Please know that. I left Nashville thinking I was practically a free man, finally. Ready to relax and disconnect while we worked. And I never intended to find you. And I never intended to… fall for you…like I did,” you explain, looking up to her with cautious eyes. “You completely blindsided me. Made me feel emotions that I hadn’t felt in years, Y/N. I should have told you from the beginning. I know I should have. That is the one thing that I regret completely and totally. I should have been upfront with you about it all. But, I was scared of fucking it up, you know? Scared you knowing about her would push you away. And now… I guess it blew up in my face even more than I thought it would…backfired completely.” You shake your head as you exhale a deep breath, letting a silence fall between the two of you. 

“I understand, Jake,” she finally whispers. “I really do…”

“Really? You do?”

“Mhmm. I get how hard that must have been. Especially since you had no idea it was even happening for so long,” she explains. You nod your head in agreement. “Feels fucking stupid now, I should have picked up on it.” 

“But she still lives with you. Still thinks you’re hers…” she reiterates. 

“Yes. Well, I guess? She still calls constantly, still texts me incessantly–”

“Was that who was calling the night we… ya know…”

You face reddens at the memory of that first night you hooked up, when you couldn’t even fucking perform for her. You nod. “Yeah. Well, her and my techs. It was a whole thing.”

“God…” she says, standing from the bed and shaking her hands out by her sides. She starts pacing the room and running her hands through her hair. “I feel so stupid…”

“You feel stupid?! Y/N, I am the idiot, here, not you…” you argue, standing from the bed as well. “I’m the one that fucked everything up and probably lost you completely.”

She stops and rolls her eyes at you, tears poking from the corners of them. “I should have… I should have asked you if you had someone, Jake. I should have gotten to know you better…” she starts to cry. “That’s like, girl rule #1.”

“Noooo no no, please don’t cry, Y/N…” you rush to her, gently placing your hands on the undersides of her elbows as she crosses them protectively across her chest. 

She runs a hand under her eye as she wipes a falling tear away. She scoffs at herself.

“No, Y/N. That was my fault. We kinda just…happened, you know? Our lust got the best of us,” you laugh a little at the memory of sneaking her into the bathroom that night at the bar.

“My suspicions kinda drove me away, ya know? I knew something was up the night Sam came to your room, talking all that…” she says. “You hiding me in the fucking bathroom.”

“Yeah, yeah I figured as much. I should have told you right then and there, I’m so sorry,” you plead. 

“I’m not gonna lie, Jake, my trust is…”

“Probably fucking shattered, isn’t it?” you ask, feeling a bottomless feeling in your chest. Like the whole situation has no happy ending, because how could it? Everything is fucked. 

She shrugs, looking past you at nothing. “I don’t know.” She walks slowly and sits back on the bed. “And Mia and Lyla? They–”

“Lyla is Isla’s best friend, yes. So of course Mia is pulled into that, as well. And, of course they are praying on my downfall. They don’t know my side of the story,” you explain, suddenly realizing that at the same time, Y/N doesn’t know Isla’s side of this story. You hope that she takes your’s in stride. 

“Great, great. Cool,” she complains. “Now they hate me, too.”

“No, I’m not gonna let that happen. I told Lyla to come and speak with me directly if she wanted the full, true story. We’ll get that sorted out, don’t worry,” you explain. “No one hates you.”

“You aren’t mad at me for… with Murph?” she asks. 

Ah, fuck. 

“Shit, I mean… I’m not mad, I don’t guess. I’m… I guess I’m blindsided with that, too,” you know you can’t explain how you feel, because you truly haven’t had time to even process it yet. “I pushed you away, I get that. Fuck, we hardly spoke for a week. Of course you wanted nothing to do with me. Then Isla goes and adds you on social media…? I mean. Fuck, I get it. Murph is… a cool guy…” you have trouble admitting it. 

“It’s not that serious, Jake,” she says, almost a whimper. “He and I, we just… clicked.”

Her words almost cut you in half. You thought she clicked with you. 

“I get that,” you choke, as much as you hate to say it, you have hardly any dog left in this fight. “Listen, the bottom line is, I know I fucked up. Royally. I wouldn’t blame you if you never want to speak to me again. I don’t blame you for running away from me. But… I swear to god, Y/N, I would fight for you to the end of my days… You gave me something that I haven’t had in so long, I hardly remembered how it felt to be happy. You gave me excitement, and energy, and… you showed me that even though my life was absolute shit, it didn’t have to be that way. You showed me happiness, Y/N. I can’t ask for more than that. And if you ever give me another chance, I know I’d spend all my time repaying you for just that little bit of happiness you gave me, because it was one of the best times of my entire life.” You let out another shaky, huffed breath, fighting back tears, yourself.

Her eyes begin to well again, and you even work the tiniest smile from her. She licks her lips, rubbing them together. “Might take me some time, Jake. I don’t–”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me overnight. I just don’t want you to hate me.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t hate you…”

She relaxes back against the fluffy pillows on her bed, her eyes obviously becoming heavy. 

“Can we agree to start fresh? As friends? Forget about all the stupid shit?” you extend your hand out for her to shake, praying that if she could just give you this….

She takes it gently, clicking her tongue. “My intuition is telling me not to, but. I don’t see anything wrong with starting fresh… Honesty. From here on out.” She shakes it with a little firmness at the conclusion of her sentence. 

“Good. Yes. Perfect, even. I promise,” you say with a little added sugar in your words. “Please just understand that my… relationship at home is anything but. She’s… so far gone from my mind I can’t even explain it to you. My number one priority is finding her somewhere else to live when we get home.”

She nods again. “That’s really none of my business, Jake.”

“Yes it is, Y/N. We’re friends now, remember?” you give her a sexy side smile, knowing that just having her in your life again would be enough, for now. “Thank you… for hearing me out.”

“Thank you for explaining. If only you’d have done that weeks ago…” she rolls her eyes playfully. 

“I know, I know, shit,” you taunt, rising from the bed again. As she walks you to the door, you find yourself fighting off the urge to pull her in, still sobbing a little from earlier. You want to feel her touch again, feel her body against yours and kiss away the saltiness of her tears. But you can’t do that anymore. 

When she opens the door and you approach the threshold, you turn back to her, letting your hand push a strand of fallen hair from her eye. “I still want you in my life, Y/N. You’re too good to let go, I don’t wanna let you go…You’ve still got me…” you say through a whisper, feeling boldness rising in your chest.

She smiles and leans her head into the touch of your hand, but she brushes it away quickly. “Go to bed, Jake.” 

You give her one last knowing look, holding her stare for just a second too long, hoping that one last ditch effort to keep you on her mind would be enough to truly start things fresh. 

Lord knows you’d do anything to get her back again.

—

HER POV

When morning comes it feels different. A weight has been lifted from your shoulders and the day doesn’t seem so daunting. You are glad that you and Jake finally talked things through, though you wish it would have happened weeks ago when you could have stopped all this from happening in the first place. 

You quickly dress and pack your suitcase, knowing that van call is approaching quickly and that everyone will be assembling down in the lobby before you know it. You feel happy with your appearance as you make your way to the elevator, pushing the button and waiting as it climbs to your floor. As the doors spring open, you see none other than Murph waiting inside with his suitcase. 

“Well good morning,” he smiles, motioning for you to join him inside. 

“Good morning,” you answer, rolling your suitcase in behind you.

“Did you have a good evening?” he asks, adjusting his hat. 

“It was alright,” you answer truthfully. “You excited to head to Manchester?” 

“Think I’m more excited for Glasgow if I’m honest with you,” he smirks, pressing the button to close the doors. 

“Can’t imagine why,” you wink, feeling the elevator start to move toward the lobby, singing the ‘Da da da da da’s’ of ‘Howlin’ For You’.

The doors spring open and you step out onto the cobblestone lobby floor, your suitcase bumping along behind you. As you turn the corner you see your group huddled up together talking quietly. They’re standing awkwardly, seeming more out of sorts than normal. It’s then you lay eyes on the auburn haired girl you studied in great detail just last night, as she stands hand in hand with Jake.

Isla. 

In a tizzy of nerves, you turn to talk to Murph, only to find that he has walked away to meet with Dean and his own group. You’re alone and you have to face this. You swallow back your nerve and decide that you will walk over to the group with your head held high, ready to meet the girl Jake swore up and down he was done with. 

As she stands beside him. 

Holding his fucking hand. 

“Y/N!” Paul shouts, grabbing your attention as he stands next to Ty. Everyone's heads turn to look at you, including Jake’s and you feel frozen in place. His face is solemn, with a hint of guilt hiding in his brown eyes. 

You step up to the small circle of people, pretending that nothing is wrong, smiling and greeting everyone with a bright and bubbly smile. If you’re going to do anything, you’re going to make your first impression on Isla one that she won’t soon forget. Your eyes flick over to Ty who is silently telling you that you will definitely be talking later. Josh’s eyes meet yours next, sad and defeated as he stands next to her, showing his obvious feelings towards the situation you've found yourselves in. 

Jake looks clearly burdened, like a lifeless shell standing there as his face is vacant of any loving emotion whatsoever. His movements are aimless, his posture slouched. And for a split second, you actually feel sorry for him. 

Until you regain your clarity, opting to stay on the clueless side of this very obviously two-sided party. 

The lying fucking son of a bitch. 

“Oh hey, Y/N!” Lyla says cheerfully, “So glad we caught you, I just wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Isla, Jake’s girlfriend!”

Isla extends her hand to you, dropping Jake’s at his side. You can feel her laser sharp eyes digging through your skull, her glare almost enough to knock you over. Your eyes meet Jake’s, looking sad and withdrawn before you look back at Isla, and grasp her hand. “Hi, I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

She shakes your hand weakly before dropping hers to her side, falling into Jake’s shoulder to stake her claim. His face goes stark white. 

“I’m so glad to finally meet you,” she coos. “I have heard all about you.”

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One Step Away From You (Chapter 2)

ExBestFriend!Eddie Munson x PlusSize!Fem!Reader

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Chapter Summary: It's your first day back at Hawkins High. Your day goes as expected, until you see the face of your ex-best friend, Eddie Munson, at a lunch table with your younger friends. WC: 5.7k Warnings: MDNI. Explicit language used. Descriptions of anxiety, mentions of depression. Notes: I've been dying to post this chapter. I've been waiting to post chapters until I have the next one finished, and it's been harder than expected to not just post them right away. This chapter features time spent with the younger kids, and Steve and Robin, as well as a little flashback. I hope you guys enjoy!

Monday, September 16th, 1985

Your eyes slowly open, taking in the dawn sky peeking through your curtains as the sun begins to rise. Your eyes shift to the clock by your bed, 5 minutes before your alarm goes off. Yawning, your hand falls to rest on your cat Henny, peacefully sleeping against your chest. You smile as you gently pet his soft black fur, enjoying the few moments of peace before you have to get ready. Moments of peace, soon interrupted by anxious thoughts about your first day back at Hawkins High. The repetitive feeling of your cat’s fur against your hand helps to keep your thoughts from spiraling too much. That is until the sudden, loud blaring of your alarm caused him to sprint off the bed in a flash. You snort out a laugh as you quickly turn off your alarm.

Stretching out all your limbs, you climb out of bed with a sigh and head to the bathroom to start your morning routine. You spend a few minutes browsing your wardrobe, deciding on what to wear for your first day outfit. Finally deciding on a pair of your favorite acid wash jeans that hug your curves, a Metallica Ride the Lightning shirt, and your trusty, worn black converse hi-tops. You turn to your vanity, beginning your usual hair and make-up routine. You kept your hair in its natural form, only adding some hairspray to your roots to add some volume. Followed by a smokey eye, winged eyeliner, mascara, and some chapstick. You grab your bag, keys, and a pack of pop-tarts, giving Henny a kiss on his head before heading out the door. 

You start your truck, turning the dial of the radio until you hear the familiar sounds of Hall & Oates. You light a menthol cigarette, a habit picked up from your parents and the stress of the last few years, before backing out of your driveway. You take note of the same unfamiliar van in Uncle Wayne’s driveway as you pull out of the trailer park. As you drive down the road, singing along to Out of Touch, you feel that familiar anxious knot start to form in your stomach as you get closer to the school.

A knot that only grows when you pull into Hawkins High’s parking lot, noting all the cars and students already there. You pull into an open space in the back and park your truck, sighing as you finish your cigarette, eyes roaming among the students lingering around their cars. Starting at a new school was never easy, but starting at a new school after the year had already started was worse. Today marked the 3rd week of the school year. You hope the year was still fresh enough that no one would pay particular attention to a newer face. Who were you kidding, in a town as small as Hawkins? Of course they would notice. You groan before deciding, Fuck it, let’s get this over with. You grab your bag and begin walking toward the school entrance, not letting your eyes linger away from the main doors to meet the ones of your fellow students.

After 3 years, the halls of Hawkins High are still familiar to you, finding your way to the principal’s office easily. You enter, eyes falling onto a middle-aged woman, clad in all purple clothing and accessories as you approach her desk. 

“Hi, uhm-” you cleared your throat, prompting her eyes to lift to meet yours. “It’s my first day. My mom already took care of the paperwork. I’m here to get my locker and class schedule.” You notice the way her eyes look you over, squinting scrutinizingly in the process.

“Name?” she asks, voice monotone as she reaches for a folder of papers in the desk drawer. You give your name, watching as she shuffles through them. Your eyes briefly look around, landing on the door to the Principal’s office. You can’t help rolling your eyes as you notice the plaque on the door, Principal Higgins. Can’t wait to deal with that prick again. You look back to the receptionist as she wordlessly hands over 2 papers with your locker information and your class schedule. Her eyes never look back up to you as she quickly resumes her previous task. Your body shifts awkwardly. 

“Uh, thank you. Have a good one” you politely offer as you turn to leave. Rolling your eyes and muttering “Rude bitch” as you re-enter the halls and head to your first class.

Your first few classes of the day go as expected. Much to your dismay, your presence had caught the eyes and attention of a few of your peers. If it wasn’t for the fact that your presence in their classes is new, your looks would be grabbing their attention regardless. You did your best to be as unbothered as you could, ignoring their gazes and whispers as you focused on the lectures or doodling in your notebook. As you sit in your last class before lunch, you can’t help but feel frustrated at your predicament.

Moving back to Virginia in 10th grade had fucked everything up for you. To say you were devastated after the move is an understatement. You struggled to adjust; switching schools half-way through the school year, leaving behind Eddie, your Dad, and your parents' crumbled marriage. You fell into a depression and didn’t attempt to make new friends or try to pass your classes. By the end of your 10th grade year you’d failed most of your classes, causing you to be held back and having to redo the year over again. If your family had never fallen apart and you’d never moved, you would’ve graduated this past May. 

There’s no point in lingering on it now, it’s done. The best thing you could do now is stay on top of your schoolwork, graduate next May and hopefully go off to college in the Fall to start the rest of your life.

Your eyes shoot up from your notebook as the bell rings, dragging you out of your thoughts. You collect your things, following your peers into the quickly crowding halls. You originally planned to spend your lunch period in the library, setting up your school planner and figuring out assignments you already needed to catch up on. However, your young friend Mike Wheeler on the other hand, insisted that you come and sit with the boys for lunch when you’d called and let them know you were back in Hawkins. 

~

The cafeteria buzzes with its usual chatter, as does the Hellfire table. Eddie, Gareth, Jeff, and Grant discuss the latest DnD campaign, begging Eddie for details of the upcoming one this Friday. Eddie laughs bashfully, denying their requests. Until he notices the newer, younger members of Hellfire completely oblivious to their conversation, and thoroughly engaged in their own. Eddie attempts to filter out the whines of the older members.

“I’m so happy she’s back, I can’t believe it.” Dustin remarks.

“I know! You told her to come sit with us right?” Lucas directs at Mike, who eagerly nods his head in response.

“Yeah, has anyone seen her yet?”

The other two boys shake their heads.

“I could’ve sworn I saw her on my way to 3rd period but I wasn’t sure” Dustin adds.

“Man. It’s nice we’ll actually get to go to school together, at least for this year.” Lucas says, referencing the few years you have on them.

It’s a rapid fire conversation Eddie can barely hear. Just when he’s about to interrupt and ask who the hell they’re talking about,

“Oh wait, there she is!”

Eddie’s eyes follow to where the younger boys’ eyes and small waves are directed toward, eyes landing on you.

Eddie’s movements freeze, breath hitching in his throat as he watches you. It’s like everything moves in slow motion. Your eyes quickly scan the cafeteria, uncertainty sketched across your face. Until your eyes catch the younger boys, and a breathtaking smile spreads across your face that knocks the air right out of his goddamn lungs. You giggle softly as you begin to walk towards them. And all Eddie can do is fucking stare. 

He has to force himself to blink multiple times to make sure he’s not dreaming. It’s really you. What the fuck, it’s you?? He could only watch in disbelief, brain short circuiting. In the nearly 3 years that had passed, you really didn’t look much different at all. You did seem more confident, comfortable in yourself. Your features had matured a bit more too, but you still had that same baby face; pink, chubby cheeks and soft jawline. Only now your hair is a few shades lighter and you’re sporting a nose ring.  Your body had filled out more too, the same body Eddie had practically gawked over seen from his bedroom window yesterday. Now that he has a view from the front, he can’t stop his eyes from fully looking you over. From your gorgeous face, to the faint outline of your plush stomach through your Metallica shirt, to your thick thighs that rubbed against each other as you walked. Eddie was still frozen in place as you finally approach the table, eyes not having met his yet. 

You greet the younger boys with a smile, 

“Hey buds” you exclaim happily. Your arms wrap around Mike and Lucas, giving them both a half hug before rounding the other side of the table to Dustin, ruffling his hair playfully. 

“How’s freshman year treating y’all?” You ask genuinely. You can’t deny that you had worried a bit for them. Freshman year can be rough, especially for a ‘freak’.

“Good”

“Eh”

“Not so bad” Mike shrugs, “the club has helped.” His head gestures to the other, older boys at the rest of the table. 

Your eyes follow, noting the other boys’ eyes are already on you, watching in subtle curiosity. Your eyes land on the boy sitting at the head of the table. Hair long, dark, and wild. An unreadable expression on his face, dark brown eyes boring into yours. 

Eddie. Fuckkkk. 

Your eyes widen slightly, smile faltering as you try to swallow the lump that just lodged itself in your throat. You try your best to put on a genuine smile, only partially effective as an awkward half smile tugs at your lips. 

“Hey, Eddie” you offer with a small nod.

His mind finally snaps out of its daze, reality and resentment setting in. He coughs lightly, clearing his throat as his features and gaze harden.

“Y/N” he offers, voice cold as he snatches his gaze from yours. He resumes eating his pretzels, as if your very presence didn’t just shatter his world as he knew it. 

“You guys know each other?” Lucas asks curiously.

Dustin turns his head to look up at you behind him, eyes widening.

“Wait… Eddie? As in THE Eddie… that taught you DnD?” Dustin asks.

You give him a tight lipped smile as you nod, 

“The one and only.”

You begin to fidget on your feet uncomfortably, stomach turning. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t connect the dots until now.” Dustin breathes out slowly.

“Whoa… you should totally join and play with us!” Mike quickly adds.

Abort mission. Abort mission. Your thoughts scream at you. 

“Oh, that’s alright.” You dismiss him quickly with a smile and small wave of your hand, “Anyway, I just came by to say ‘Hi’ to you guys real quick. I gotta get going.”

You’re greeted with a chorus of groans from the younger boys. You offer a small nod and tight-lipped smile to the older boys. Your eyes briefly glance at Eddie, whose eyes haven’t left his pretzels since first leaving yours. You tell the younger boys you’ll see them later as you begin to walk off towards the exit. Finally releasing a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. A breath that’s quickly catching in your throat again as you hear fast footsteps approaching from behind you and feel a hand on your shoulder. You relax as you turn and see Dustin’s face.

“Hey, wait. So reaalllly quick. Lucas and Mike wanted me to ask if you wouldn’t mind giving us a ride home after school?” 

“Seriously man?” You let out a genuine laugh, caught off guard.

“Oh, come onnn. You remember how much it sucks to ride the bus! Pretty pretty please??” Dustin asks, putting on the best puppy eyes he can manage. You roll your eyes and groan playfully at him.

“Fine, but whoever gets to my truck first gets to sit in the cab with me, the last 2 are stuck in the truck bed” you add. 

If you’re gonna be stuck giving them a ride, you’d at least get some entertainment out of watching them race for the best seat. Dustin salutes you before scurrying back to the Hellfire table as you turn and walk out of the cafeteria as quickly as your legs can take you.

Gareth, Jeff, and Grant share curious, confused, but knowing glances at each other and Eddie. Picking up on the undeniable tension in the air between him and this girl. Feeling their eyes on him, and before Gareth can even open his mouth, Eddie’s hand shoots up to cut him off.

“Don’t.” 

They’d drop it for now, but Eddie knew it was only a matter of time before it was brought up, whether by them or the newer members whom you seemed to know so well. 

~

Shitshitshit! Your thoughts rapidly fly through your head as you hightail it to the library to spend the remainder of your lunch. Eddie’s was the last face you expected to see at school, in Hawkins. Let alone sitting at a table, in a DnD club with your young friends. What the hell is he still doing here anyway? Remember that comforting, hopeful feeling you had? It was long gone now, dissipating at the sight of your old best friend. Crumbling into ashes as your eyes met his, his face even more beautiful than you remembered… and hardened as he saw you. 

You were so confused. Last you knew of Eddie was that he had hooked up with some girl who worked for a record company in LA, recording a demo tape for a record deal back in Spring 84’. At least that’s what you and Eddie’s friend from the trailer park and Corroded Coffin's drummer, Ronnie had relayed to you over the phone. You’d asked her not to give you any more updates about him after that, the news making your stomach drop. When she went off to NYU later that year, you figured the band had just replaced her with a new drummer.

You enter the library and head towards an old spot of yours, a table in the back tucked between bookshelves rarely perused by your peers. Your head falls into your hands as you plop down into a chair, sighing deeply as you attempt to calm your thoughts and breathing. All those thoughts and feelings about Eddie you’d tried to bury over the last few years were now clawing their way out of the grave and overtaking your mind. 

You feebly try to push them down again. You look at the lunch you had packed for yourself. Knowing you couldn’t stomach it right now, you pull out your planner and syllabi from your earlier classes. It only leads to your thoughts of Eddie and your school work hashing it out in your head for your undivided attention. You sigh again, already knowing which will be the winner. Leaning back in your chair, you think about how exactly you got here. How the best friend you’ve ever had could barely make any eye contact with you, and the sight of him made you have a near panic attack.

~

It had been a cloudy day in early December 1982, when you dragged your feet across the road to the Munson trailer. Sprinkles of rain began to fall, soaking into your hair as you dreaded breaking the news to your best friend. You willed away the tears that were already building in your eyes before you could even step onto Uncle Wayne’s porch. A few moments after your weak knocks on the door, it opened to reveal your best friend. His signature cheeky smile plastered on his face, quickly slipping away when he noted the somber look on yours.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” He asked softly, hand reaching for your arm as he stepped out the trailer to join you on the porch. You couldn’t look him in the eyes, you knew as soon as you did you wouldn’t be able to stop the waterfall. 

“I’m leaving, Eddie…” you mutter, voice soft and cracking. 

“Leaving? W-What do you mean?” Eddie asks, confusion seeping through his voice and features. You gulp, trying to calm yourself before you continue. “Is it your dad? Is he giving you guys problems? I told you, you can come to me and Wayne if he-”

“No-No. He’s in the tank for a DUI right now a-and Mom thinks… it’s perfect timing to just get away, put some distance…” you manage to get out. You take a deep breath before willing yourself to look up and finally meet his eyes. “We’re moving back to Virginia.” 

Your eyes search his as yours begin to well with tears. Finally saying the words to him made it real, definite, final. He sighs deeply, a small frown pulling at his lips.

“C’mere…” He whispers, pulling you into his chest as his arms wrap around and squeeze you tightly. His gesture causes your tears to fall freely. You almost feel bad that you’re no doubt soaking his shirt and leaving behind an embarrassing wet spot, but the feeling of his arms around you and the sad, anxious thoughts flying through your mind distract you from it.

“It’s gonna be okay” he says reassuringly, a hand softly rubbing up and down your back.

After a minute he pulls back, hands holding both of your arms as he looks at you with a small smile.

“They have phones back in Virginia, right?” he asks, joking lightly. Anything to lessen the frown and tears streaking your cheeks. You smirk softly in response, nodding your head as you wipe your tears. “Then it’ll be okay. We’ll call a-and talk about school, new records, DnD campaigns… that dick Higgins” A brief, wet laugh escapes your mouth at his words. 

“all the things we talk about now. I promise.” He finishes, moving one of his hands from your arm to extend his pinky finger out to you. A long playful gesture you’ve done since meeting in 4th grade. You take a moment to let his words and optimism sink in. 

You wrap your pinky finger around his, offering back a small smile. “Promise.”

~

The bell signaling the end of the lunch period pulls you out of your memory. You collect your things, taking your place in the halls among your peers as you head toward your next class. Only 3 more periods to get through, that’s it. Just 3. Then you can go home, and dig into your stash for some relief from this whirlwind of a day. You take a deep breath and put on a brave face as you walk into your English class. You’re one of the first students there, quickly grabbing an open seat in the back. Settling in, you pull out your notebook from your bag, facing toward the front of the class just as a patched denim jacket catches your eye. Eddie saunters in, dropping ungracefully into a seat in the back, 2 rows away from you. This can’t be happening. You lace your fingers together, resting your mouth against them as you stare at the board, not daring to let your eyes wander towards the long haired boy.

A soft gasp coming from your right grabs your attention, 

“Hey, I know you! Scoops Ahoy right?” You look over the girl as she takes a seat next to you. She looks familiar, you’d definitely seen her a few times while you were working at Scoops this summer. Donna? Denise? Debbie? You tried remembering the girl's name, knowing Steve had mentioned it at some point.

You clear your throat before answering, “Yeah, mhm. That’s me.”

“Oh my gosh. I still can’t believe what happened with the fire. I mean, a grease fire? From that god awful Hot Dog on a Stick place? Still so crazy to me.” She states, shaking her head in disbelief. You nod softly in response.

“Yeah, tell me about it. Guess they never learned grease and water don’t mix.” You breathe out a soft laugh, “Not an experience I’ll forget anytime soon, that’s for sure.”

“For sure, I bet! Hey, I thought I remembered Steve saying something about you just visiting for the summer… I’m guessing you’re here to stay?” 

You were a little taken aback at how kind she’s being. She seemed nice enough buying ice cream, but holding a full on conversation with you in a classroom was unexpected. By the looks of her, she wouldn’t be considered a ‘freak’ by any means. Not popular, but not an outcast either.

“Yeah that’s right, at least until graduation.” you respond with a soft smile that she quickly returns.

“Cool. Well anyway, I’m glad you guys made it out okay.”

“Thanks, me too” You finish as she settles into her seat, just as Ms. O’Donnel begins to speak at the front of the class.

As you settle back into your own seat, your cheeks warm. He didn’t hear that, did he? You try to pay attention to Ms. O’Donnel as she discusses The Catcher in the Rye when you can feel eyes on you. Taking in your peripheral vision confirms it. Yep, he definitely heard that. Eddie is practically staring daggers at the side of your face before scoffing, shaking his head and looking toward the front of the class. 

It takes every fiber of his being to not storm out of the classroom right in that moment, but he actually wanted to try and graduate this year, so he stays. Leg rapidly bouncing, biting down his already short nails just to attempt to calm the nerves and emotions raging through his body. Seeing you again, then to overhear that you had been visiting Hawkins in the summer this whole time… it’s too much for him to process. He’s hurting, fucking heartbroken actually, but that’s being overshadowed by anger. He knew it. Part of him never wanted to fully admit it to himself, but now he knows it’s true. You had truly abandoned him. He’s never blamed you for moving back to Virginia. That wasn’t your fault. You had no control over it, and he knew that. What he could never understand though, was why a couple months after you’d moved, you stopped calling and returning his calls. He used to go over and over in his head if he had done something, said something wrong and could never think of anything. He had tried not to let himself linger on it for too long and put on a tough front. He had been wrong about you, he’d decided. You were just like all the other people in his life that just hurt and abandoned him. That’s what he had to tell himself to move on and not drive himself crazy. Even if part of him didn’t, wouldn’t believe it. Well now he knows. You’d been visiting in the summers this whole time, and never bothered to tell him or see him? He still doesn’t understand why, but now he knows that he was right.

As soon as the bell rings, Eddie’s the first out of his seat and out of the door. You take a deep breath, wanting nothing more than to crawl in a hole and hide, the undeniable feeling of guilt overtaking you. You know you can’t, however. You’re going to have to tough it out for 2 more periods. Eddie doesn’t even attempt it, immediately walking out to his spot in the woods behind the school to smoke, to try to calm his body and mind so he can at least try to attend his last class of the day. 

Art happens to be his last class of the day, a class that he notices upon entering, is another he has to share with you. If you had known your first day was going to go like this, you would’ve just stayed in bed with Henny all day. You shake your head to yourself, knowing this is something you won’t be able to avoid and run away from for long. Is that something you even want? You tended to avoid conflict and confrontation at all cost… but you love Eddie. You miss Eddie. You know things are the way they are because of you. You have to take responsibility for it. You had known dropping contact with Eddie might hurt him, but you told yourself it probably wouldn’t bother him that much and he’d move on quickly. The insecure part of your brain told you, you probably didn’t mean as much to him as he did to you. Seeing his reaction today at lunch, and in class overhearing of your summer visits he wasn’t included in, tells you you’re dead wrong. What the hell am I going to do? How am I going to fix this?

When the bell rings this time to signal the end of the school day, you’re the first out of your seat and the classroom. Stopping at your locker to collect the last of your things into your bag before heading to the front doors. Stepping outside you take a deep breath of fresh air, digging for your pack of cigarettes and quickly lighting one. You close your eyes as you blow out the smoke, immediately feeling slightly calmer.

Then, just as if the gods have heard your plea for some lightness to this quickly souring day, you spot a familiar BMW pulling into the front of the school. You can’t deny the smile that quickly appears on your face. You put out your cig before Robin inevitably joins, knowing her distaste for it. You stroll over to the car as Steve parks it, already jumping out of the driver's seat to wrap you in a tight hug. You giggle, hugging him back.

“Hey, haircut. Miss me that much already?”

“Hush it, Y/L/N.” Steve quips. A split second later, you hear a rapidly approaching squeal before a body is pushed against your back, effectively putting you in the middle of a human sandwich hug.

“Oh, Y/N! Thank god you’re here. I didn’t know how much more of Steve I could bear on my own!” Robin exclaims exasperatedly, resting her head on top of yours. You let out a belly laugh, enjoying the comfort of their presence and hugs before begging them to let you go. 

“So, how was your first day back?” Steve asks as you both lean back against his car. 

You roll your eyes, sighing as you shake your head. 

“That’s the last thing I wanna talk about right now” When they meet you with concerned, sympathetic looks, you add “It’ll be alright though. I’m just so happy to see you guys, it‘s just what I needed.” You offer them a genuine smile.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot the familiar curls of Dustin rushing out of the front doors of the school. Eyes quickly scanning the parking lot before landing on you. You point toward your truck in the back of the parking lot. 

“Black truck!” you shout, trying to hold back your laughter as you watch his eyes follow your finger before scurrying across the parking lot.

“Uh, HELLO, Henderson?!” Steve exclaims, arms thrown in the air in disbelief.

“I don’t have time for you right now, Steven!!” Dustin shrieks in response, dodging other student bodies as he races for the best seat. You can’t hold it in anymore at that, throwing your head back in laughter with Robin.

“Jeez. Guess I’m chopped liver, then.” Steve scoffs, shaking his head as he looks back over to you two.

“Oof. That’s rough, bud. How will your fragile ego ever recover?” Robin remarks, rubbing Steve’s arm in fake sympathy.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.”

You notice Mike and Lucas run out of the school seconds later, playing out the same actions as Henderson. Cursing when they see Dustin’s already ahead of them. 

“Oh, Y/N! You should totally apply to Family Video and work with us!” Robin exclaims excitedly.

“Yeah, it’ll be the three amigos again!” Steve adds, eliciting a groan and eye roll from Robin who lightly pushes him.

“Dingus”

“While I would love nothing more, I already promised my aunt I’d work for her at the restaurant” You respond with a pout. “But, you can definitely count on me coming in to bother y’all on your shifts.” 

They have a shift this afternoon so you part ways, hugging them goodbye with promises to talk later. Steve insists he wants to hear all the details about your day, when you’re ready to share of course. You smile, waving them off as you walk toward your truck. The 3 boys crowding around the passenger door, bickering with each other. 

“Dustin was here first. You two in the back, no arguments!” You state simply as you unlock the doors. As everyone gets settled, you quickly flip through your cassettes, putting in Motorhead’s Overkill album. As you begin to pull out from your parking spot, your eyes briefly land on Eddie. He stands at the front of the school, leaning against a pillar as he smokes a cigarette. Gareth is talking to him, but his eyes are on you. Catching the events of the last few minutes, cozying up with Steve Harrington of all people. You notice Gareth���s eyes follow Eddie’s to yours before you quickly return your focus to getting the hell away from this school. 

When you pull up to a red light, you open the small back window.

“Whose house am I dropping y’all off at?” 

“Mine is fine!” Mike responds, “We’ve got some homework to work on.”

You nod before a thought pops into your head.

“Hey” you turn your head slightly to look at Dustin and the boys in the back, “How is Max doing? I didn’t see her today.”

The boys are quiet for a moment, pondering what to say, causing your eyebrows to furrow in worry.

“She’s uh- she took everything that happened at the mall… Billy… pretty hard.” Mike finally says.

“She doesn’t really hang out with us much anymore. Her and her mom moved into the trailer park actually.” Dustin adds quietly.

“She broke up with me.” Lucas says after a few moments, unable to hide the sadness in his voice.

Your eyes widen in shock for a moment before you fully turn your head back, eyes meeting Lucas.

“I’m really sorry, bud. She probably just needs some time. I’m sure you guys will be able to work things out.” You offer sympathetically, Lucas giving you a soft nod and half-smile in return. 

You sigh, elbow resting on the bottom of your window frame, driving again as the light turns green. You make a mental note to figure out which trailer she’s moved into, keep an eye out for her at school and check in on her. Hearing she’s pulled away from the group and broke up with Lucas worries you, you don’t want her to have to go through this struggle alone.

Dustin breaks the silence a few moments later.

“Sooooo, what’s up with you and Eddie?” you choke out a laugh and shake your head. Real smooth, Dustin. “I mean, from the way you used to talk about him, you two seemed really close. But I picked up on that tension at lunch. Something happened, I know it.” he prods further, like this was a mystery he’s determined to insert himself in and solve.

“Nosey much, Henderson?” you say, side-eyeing him.

“I’m just saying. We’re close with you… and now Eddie is our dungeon master, we’re getting close with him… things could get sticky if there’s some tension there, which I know for a fact there is.”

“Oh is that so?” you retort, feeling relief as you pull into the boys’ neighborhood, knowing there isn’t as much time as Dustin would like to continue pushing you for information. “Dustin, I love ya. But respectfully, it’s none of your damn business, bud.” You finish, scrunching your nose at him teasingly. He puts his hands up defensively, dropping the conversation as you pull up to Mike’s house. You bid them farewell with a smile and wave as they thank you for the ride. 

You might have sped on the drive back to your trailer, just a little bit. You still have a few more hours till your mom gets home, and you want nothing more than the comfort of home and the familiar green plant in your lungs after your day. You don’t spare a glance at the trailer across the street as you pull in, quickly hopping out of the truck and unlocking the front door. You groan in relief as you quickly rid yourself of your bra and jeans, slipping into your comfy house shorts. You grab a blunt you pre-rolled, a lighter, and your portable radio before walking out the back door and sitting on the back steps. You’re grateful your small backyard is obscured from the views of your neighbors by some trees and bushes as you light your blunt. You lean back against the stair railing, listening to the sounds of Fleetwood Mac as you let the calming effects of your weed start to take over. Even as your body and mind calm, a single question repeatedly pushes into your thoughts.

How am I going to fix this?

[starandcloud]

42!Miles Headcannons

I am on a kick of Spiderverse, so Tumblr gets it-

Miles has separation anxiety with you, which got a lot worse when you started dating, him being the prowler and all

He cannot handle the sound of guns, it makes his anxiety race.

He'd never admit it but he genuinely likes your company, like he'll deny it then go out of his way to find stupid reasons to hang out with you. Which his mom plays into. Miles: Aye, Idiota. Come over. My mom misses you. Y/N: Ooookay? Rio, hugging Y/N: Y/N I've missed you, how've you been? Are you feeling okay? Have you been eating enough? Y/N, laughing: I'm okay Mrs. Morales, thank you for worrying about me though Miles: *Absolutely smitten by how you interact with his mom*

Leaves you gits randomly, like if he's out on a job with his uncle and he sees something he knows you'll like he'll swipe it (and leave money) and either leave it on your desk or put it on your window sill. You've yet to catch him

He HAS stopped and watched you sleep when he left you a gift, not in creepy way more like a "God... They're so perfect..." His eyes, hidden behind his lil mask, softened on you. He only left because the hallway light flicked on and he panicked. That was the loudest he had ever fled from somewhere, he didn't even close your window.

He is really artistic too, he has dozens of sketches of you in his sketchbook. You're his favorite thing to draw

Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for Miles wanting to kill someone for you. But he would only think it, he'd never actually act on those thoughts. He couldn't bear the weight of taking a life, even if it was for you. He's a vigilante, remember

As terrifying as he seems, Miles is a HUGE baby when it comes to getting hurt. He'll act like he's fine, but when he's with his Uncle or Mom he cries. Like ugly cries, he's a huge baby-

Has Trypanophobia (The Fear of Needles), hates the sight of them and cannot handle it when he has to get shots

When he cannot handle anything anymore he goes to his dad's Mural and just sits there, he doesn't talk or make any noise. He just sits against the brick, sometimes he cries, sometimes he doesn't but he's always there late at night so no one really sees him

He doesn't talk to anyone he actually has a crush on, like he's flirty as hell with everyone but the person he actually likes he's really blunt and distant. Like a dumbass

I can 100% see Miles being Omni, like he could like anyone as long as he's close to them

We all know Miles' sleep schedule is FUCKED, he's a Vigilante, he doesn't get to sleep much due to everything being at night. But he still gets good grades and sleeps when he can

This is literally one of his posts on Twitter and you CANNOT tell me otherwise-

He isn't really bothered by people who're taller than him, or people who are a few inches shorter. But if you're below his chin he's wary, he's heard enough from Ganke not to mess with people that short. "They have to climb to get things, I don't wanna mess with someone who climbs counters.

I can see him being taller than 1610!Miles, cause 1610!Miles is 5'8" so I can see 42!Miles being anywhere from 5'9 to 5'10". Like it's not a noticeable difference if you're not paying attention, ya know?

Miles does Photography, but it's more of a hobby. He doesn't plan on turning it into a career, but he does it when he's got the chance, his posts look like this

Bubbly_Rose and Vanilla.Coffee.Addict. Are both his mom, different accounts to support her son. Best mom 100%

Miles has dozens of playlists on spotify, most of which are for his friends and family.

Cat person but has a german shepard named Luna

Had dreads ONCE and decided he hated them, so he stuck to his braids

Miles can cook, really really well. His mom and him used to bond through cooking and now it's something he does when he's stressed or upset

Depending on how tired Miles is, is how he sleeps. If he's just a lil sleepy, his legs are kinda bent and his arms are by his head, HOWEVER, if it was after REALLY tiring job with his uncle he kinda just falls onto his bed and sleeps like that

He usually doesn't go to anyone for comfort and comforts himself unless it's really bad then he goes to his mom or (if he really REALLY trusts them) his significant other

Miles has a tendency to flinch/move away from any form of touch that's not from his mother. He gets pins and needles if he's not expecting a touch and it is almost painful, I wouldn't say he's touch-starved but with his mom working so much it's easy to see that he would be

The one thing that brings Miles' to tears is watching his mom work herself to the bone and never being able to take a break. It makes him so mad that he can't help her, without it being obvious, that it reduces him to tears

He cries when he's mad

He hates it when people go through his things or move them. He has everything in a place, everything has to be perfect. Major OCD when it comes to his room, it's his space and he wants it perfectly clean

Miles takes really good care of himself, he keeps himself in shape (outside of being the Prowler) and makes sure to eat and hydrate right

Miles. Is. A. Huge. Softie for little kids. He acts like he can't stand them but the minute he's flashed a toothy smile from a little kid, he can't help but smile back

He considers a few people who aren't family, his family like Ganke

His idea of "A Perfect Vacation" is going anywhere with his mom and Uncle. It could literally be a trip to his Paternal Grandmother's house, and as long as his mom isn't working he is perfectly content

Miles tends to bite his nails and chew on his lips when he's nervous

By FAR the strangest thing Miles has ever seen was one of his classmates straight up touching their eyeball, that happened when he was 13 and it still freaks him out

Miles accepts advice relatively well, he doesn't show it but he does

He hates most pictures, but there was a few that his version Gwen took of him.

He is horrible at talking to someone he's got a crush on, like worse than 1610!Miles ;-;

Miles wakes up before his mom, when she's home, and makes her breakfast, he eats, showers, and goes to school, comes home, does his homework, goes to his boxing class (curtesy of Uncle Aaron), and depending on the day either goes on a job or goes to sleep

He has a few scars on his face from one of the first few jobs he was on when he wasn't far enough away from a bomb when it went off

Ocra. He CANNOT with the texture of it.

He loves stormy weather, its relaxing to him

He loves Fall and winter, the crisp air makes him smile

As a way to waste time, he goes to the gym or draws

When Miles wakes up from a nightmare, he kinda just lays there until he puts his headphones on and falls asleep to whatever song he's listening to

Miles collects little doo-dads from the street, it gives him something to fidget with

Miles knows English, Spanish, and French. He had to take a second language class and he COULDN'T take Spanish, so he's relatively fluent in French

Miles is the type of person to give someone the tightest most affection hugs, like even if he's just friends with the person. Hugs are like "I love you"s for Miles, they're sparing things from him

If Miles had three wishes from a genie he'd wish for: 1. His mother to either be paid more or for her to work less 2. His city to have less issues 3. To talk to his dad again

CROSSOVER: Miles is a gryffindor, with a Kingfisher Patronus and an 11.25 in Applewood wand with Unicorn hair ((I don't support J.K. Rowling))

Miles saw you in his clothes once and it MELTED him, he physically leaned against the wall and smiled stupidly

If you don't typically wear glasses (despite needing them, like my dumbass) and you wear them around Miles. The first time he saw you in them, he was distracted enough he walked into a wall.

Miles will protest being called cheesy things likes "Babydoll", "Pumpkin" "Sweets", "Bubba", "Light of My Life", "Tater Tot" (this happened ONCE, "Sunshine", "Dumpling", "Bambie", and "Babyface". He genuinely loves it when you call him that. Specifically: Babydoll, Pumpkin, and Sunshine. He still likes the other ones but loves those more.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 5/28/2024

we are rapidly approaching the one-year anniversary of my ill-fated cross country move. i have changed from having a bad time in massachusetts to having a bad time in texas, but this time with my best friend's shoulder to cry on in real life. so an improvement i suppose

listening

i can't fucking believe this wasn't already in my driving playlist. thanks autogenerated spotify dance playlist

-

reading

the maltese falcon by dashiell hammett. i didn't really appreciate philip marlowe the-human-detective-not-my-cat's bisexual eye for interior design and outfits until i started reading this book. this passage really threw me with regards to shoes before pants in what i assume is a fairly normal suit and not a specific type of formalwear? i have a very specific blind fashion blind spot and that's pre-wwii menswear

this led to an absolutely VICIOUS argument with my bestie bc our grandfathers were from very different eras and held themselves to very different levels of formality. hers was a fancy white collar bastard and mine wasn't. i never saw mine in a suit outside a funeral.

anyway i KNOW that the fashion in the latter half of the twenties up to WWII was for a very wide legged pant (the oxford bag) and i GUESS you could certainly shove your whole goddamn shoe down that leg but like. it threw me. socks before pants, certainly. especially if you have to fuck with sock garters. but shoving your whole shoe down a pant leg seems. well it just seems. there's an order of operations i thought was sacred for most things. was the seat truly so tight in an oxford bag. are suspenders really that awful to bend over in. so much womens formalwear is uncomfy on purpose so i feel like i have a skewed view of acceptable pain for an outfit to cause you

why am i reading this? can you think of a more on-brand book for me to read? please let me know if you do and i'll add it to The Pile

-

watching

the tremendously charming soviet childrens film The Tale of Tsar Saltan (1967, Ptushko). court intrigue! a swan princess! giants marching out of the sea! a slightly unsettling squirrel puppet shelling gold and emerald walnuts! a lot of sight gags, some lovely ballet sequences, and there are so many little moving parts to look at in each scene. at its densest it's like howl's bedroom in howl's moving castle

this was on my library's streaming platform Kanopy and i had credits to use up.

-

playing

two things in genshin that took absolutely forever to accomplish:

i finally maxed out the overall XP system (not the character XP system) so the game's just been chucking in-game currency at me instead, which has been helpful!

and i finally caught two thousand fish! very nice to clear like forty fishing spot markers i put down on my map, in advance of the forty billion markers i'll want to put down to mark stuff in the next big release at the end of the summer.

i forgot that i can use my desktop for things that aren't genshin and applying to jobs, so i reinstalled steam and fired up powerwash simulator. they popped out one new DLC in the year since i touched it, a santa's workshop level last winter. a good hour well spent. i spent a LOT of time with this game right before my move last year and it did genuinely help my anxiety.

-

making

not a fallow week but a pictureless week. ended up painting most of my best friend's bedroom bc we didn't have anything better to do on a saturday night. i think this was the hardest i've ever raw-dogged a painting project bc we had no tarps or painters tape or paint trays or rollers wider than 3". just a bucket of paint and a need to make the half-painted bedroom wall look nicer for her new job zoom training. we have to do a lot of things like move the bed and paint that wall, and paint the ceiling, and do all the trim + doors, but it does look much nicer on zoom now!

[thatstonedwriter]

Trip Out w/ Me

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A/N: I love this prompt so much, and I may turn this into a Headcanon Set involving more characters. Post is named after my "getting high" spotify playlist. I also made this from a platonic perspective, but it could be perceived as romantic, if you squint.

Contents; mentions of substances, platonic relationships, swearing, gender neutral reader

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It was a pleasant surprise when Loona asked if she could join you for one of your sessions. To make sure you're both comfortable, you go out and make sure you have all the necessary supplies. There's more planning that goes into it than some may think..

For the set up, you've got a small speaker playing some trippy music, or maybe a small T.V or computer to watch something on. There's a light projector with patterns that dance across the walls- or maybe some fairy lights. You can never go wrong with fairy lights. You've got your vape pen, edibles, bong, etc. (whatever you're down to use). Of course, you can't forget your beverages of choice. Gotta stay hydrated, after all. Whatever your preferred set up/environment, you're now prepped for a fucking awesome sesh.

Now, there are many different kinds of high, especially depending on what strain you use. Regardless, Loona appreciates the relaxed atmosphere. Whether your high involves laying in bed and watching movies, hyperfixating on something, or just laying on the floor and listening to music, Loona is down for pretty much anything. With you, she doesn't need to worry about making a good impression or masking.

Munchies can be a bitch, so if Loona isn't smoking or drinking, she'll be happy to be your designated driver. Y'all could go through some fast food place or go to a sit-down restaurant, it doesn't matter. If both of you are inebriated, then it gives you an excuse to order food for delivery. Eliminates the need to go anywhere and you don't have to interact with more people than necessary. Win-win.

It's easier to laugh at shit when you're high. It's great. Especially since Loona's laugh is so loud. It's that kind of laugh where you're on the floor, gripping your sides, tears welling in your eyes. It's the kind of laugh that's contagious, that makes you feel free.

On the flip side, however.. if either of you get a little too high and the anxiety starts to kick in, it's important to have a contingency plan. Noise cancelling headphones, soft blankets, a jacket, water, and lots of hugs/cuddles (if physicality helps).

I strongly believe that Loona's favorite part of any sesh would include the "making a pillow-fort and watching something" segment. Not to get angsty, but she's never had a concrete sense of safety, stability, or comfort (except for some moments with Blitz). That's why she appreciates these sessions so much.

Personally, I think weed makes us more genuine/honest, and I think Loona would be anxious about that at first. What if it brings out the worst in her? This could all go horribly wrong.. But it doesn't, much to her surprise. There may be a point where you both trauma dump or have deep talks, which makes Loona feel seen for the first time... ever, really. To be honest, she'd probably end up sleeping over.

Loona loves having you in her life. Not only can you provide a safe, relaxed environment for her to exist in, you're just one of her favorite people. Don't be surprised if she asks to hang out more often. Whether if its a trip to the dispensary, getting high in one of your rooms, or just existing together, Loona couldn't ask for a better person to be around.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Ending Note; Don't drive while under the influence of any substances. Your tolerance level doesn't matter. Safety is the most important thing when it comes to enjoying yourself in these situations. Know your limits, know your environment, and know the substance. There are more cases of drugs being laced with fentanyl so make sure your sources/dispensaries are reliable. Do your own research, and know what works best for you. Be safe y'all.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Stupid Hope

Hey, A. This is what I do at your grave now. I write a Tumblr essay to you because I'm still not going to talk out loud to you in the ground. I guess at least I'm not that crazy. (Yet.)

Your cup of rocks is still on your headstone. I guess I'm happy they're all still there. I added the ones I found for you in Ireland and Paris. J wanted me to bring British pound coins and leave them here. "But I guess you'd have to press those into the ground, which I'd guess you don't wanna do. I don't think people will leave money alone, even if it's not our money and the exchange rate and fees are shitty." 😂

Anyway, life continues to be a scavenger hunt full of your invisible, untouchable presence. Like Randy Newman's I Think It's Gonna Rain Today on my drive to work? Again...neither subtle nor funny. J told me to come today because it would be marginally less hot than yesterday, but I was afraid of rain. It wasn't raining when I left for the library this morning, but it rained the whole drive here to the cemetery. And miraculously (?) it quit when I got out of the car. With your rocks. After fucking Welcome to the Black Parade played as I turned into the cemetery. The Boy has noticed that. I have a Spotify playlist that's a catch all. I keep it on random. It has like 5000 songs in it...hours of music...every genre. There are exactly 3 My Chemical Romance songs on it. One of them plays whenever we're talking about you. Once all three of them played in the same 40 minute car ride. "That's fucking weird, Mom."

Anyway I guess I appreciate the rain. I'm here by myself again because who comes to the cemetery in the rain? Apparently me.

So I gave this piece a title. Stupid Hope. Because man, it's been a while since I've been here because of traveling and a new driver's license and other family stuff. I was really hoping to see that someone else had been here. I perked up a little because the stranger next to you has flowers and I thought they were yours for a second. But of course not. No one else has been here. And that honestly makes grieving harder, man. If someone else was here, it would feel real. And I'm still having a rough time with that. The old social anxiety and insecure attachment I've dragged around my whole life but was never there with you is there with you now. No one else is coming here so Stupid Jen Anxiety Brain says you aren't really dead. This is just an elaborate and complicated ruse to get rid of me. I'm the only one coming because you're not really here. You're still alive and happy somewhere just without me bothering you. Which in itself is Stupid Hope. Denial. That's just a fancier word for Stupid Hope.

I'm still amazed that every book I'm reading is grief related. It's you related. It's us related. I'm trying to accept you're here and that you wouldn't ditch me in such a dastardly complex way. You died. What the fuck, man? Obviously I'm not angry with you for dying but you did keep my Stupid Hope alive because you so consistently killed the Insecure Attachment monster. Shit, man, you were better at it than J, and that's really saying something. I try reaching out to other people. Kind people. People I love. L and D and online friends. People who do come back and show up if I extend myself enough but like...shit dude, you spoiled me. I never was afraid to be too much for you. You didn't ever let me feel that. You reached back. Other people just don't. Except J, but he lives in my actual house with me, so asterisk. I miss you so badly still every day. I'm so fucking lonely. And scared. I had a nightmare about J last night. That one I always have had, but it's the first time I've had it since you died. J said maybe in a way that's good, like I'm getting back to normal...'my old self' (he's got a lot of Stupid Hope too, I guess). But it's just abject terror of just how truly alone I'd be if I lost J now. It's even scarier now than it used to be because now I don't have, "Call A," as a coping option. And now I'm hot because it's not raining and there's just barely enough of a breeze to make the wind chimes go in this tree to my right (your left I guess). At least there's finally some grass here now. I'll come back in a few weeks. Or when you start making all the songs on the random car radio play titles with 'Rock' in them again. (Real rocks not rock n roll...I Am a Rock...We Want a Rock...Loves Me Like a Rock...) Or all the book titles that pop up in the holds lists or book bins to check in at work are about graves and cemeteries in fucking July (not October or Memorial Day).

I'll always come back with my Stupid Hope as long as you keep it alive like that still. You're still my best friend. I love you. But I'm going home for real now because yuck. 🥵🥵🥵

[my-castles-crumbling]

Advice for middle school

I'm currently in middle school and this is some of the things that have had that best results and a few of my own ideas:

Positive reinforcement and by that I mean rewards,my science teacher was loved by all because if you answered a question( it didn't even have to be correct) you received a science themed sticker for your efforts. It made them way more willing to attempt to answer questions.

Using educational games for studying. There is a computer thing called Gimkit which is something you can use to make games for your class to study with my class really likes the game modes: Don't look down and Dig it up. It uses competing as a motive for studying and I could tell my class did well when they were able to study in a fun and engaging way.

If you can don't make them present their projects to the class , make it optional and maybe throw in that they can earn an extra two or three points for projects. One thing that a lot of people in my grade hated was when you had to present in front of the class and a few people have had like anxiety attacks because they had to present.

Take notice of nicknames or unofficially changed names. If you can on like the first or second day while you're doing role call ask each person if there is something they prefer to be called other than the name on the roster.

If you can do assignments that involve food we really enjoy that and make sure you have allergy safe alternatives that are still fun .

I know this seems trivial but things like for example my E.L.A teacher had both right and left-handed scissors and there are a few people who are left-handed and it made their day to see that she had those.

Joke with the class.We really loved when our teachers would joke around with us during class.

Ask for the class' opinion on what kind of assignment you do they will receive the material better if they know they chose the method you are using to teach it.

Play music in the class room or if you can allow them to listen to their own music individually. One of my teachers had a song request jar all you had to do was write down the name of the song,who sings it,whether or not it needs to be played clean,and which class are you in.Then she added it to a spotify playlist that she just put on shuffle and played on low volume in the classroom.

Allow students to pick their partner for assignments and if you can't do that don't pair up two people who don't get along well.I Don't think you'll have a problem picking pairs but some teachers end up putting a student who bullied their assigned partner and it didn't go well.

Do your best to give students some time to just chill and talk in the classroom before class I'm not joking when I say of they are given time to talk freely even if it's just a few minutes they will talk less during your lessons.

Change it up a bit don't do the same thing repeatedly it will bore your students to death. Try to add some variety it gives students something to look foreward to.

Don't do the thing where you call on a student who looks like they're not paying attention or anybody who isn't raising their hand everybody and I mean everybody hates that.

I think that's it thank you for doing your best to be the best teacher you can be.

Hi!!

Wow, thank you for sending all of this to me! I definitely hadn't thought of a lot of these (the scissors thing- I need to buy some different scissors), so it's a huge help.

I hope you have a fantastic day, you deserve it!

[rinnyman]

Spotify Headcanons pt. 2

At long last!

Part one here. Part three

Disclaimer: I ship Alejandro and Rudy so I wrote it in’s as a poly relationship but if you don’t like it that way you don’t have to read it like that. Laswell in this is completely platonic btw.

Alejandro

Definitely has a lot of Latin-American music on his playlist.

Probs has country music as well but prefers music without lyrics

Has lot of slow music so he can play if while cooking with his partners and dance with you or Rudy in the kitchen while they food simmers or burns

The three of you would end up laughing and order something off of DoorDash instead.

He will listen to what you sent him but he’s secretly glad he has Spotify Premium because he’s skipping the songs he doesn’t like.

Rudy

Mostly country and Latin rap

probably a little bit of rock music

He doesn’t listen to much so he isn’t sure what to send you so he just asks you what music you like and send you a playlist made for you.

He treasures the playlist you sent him but he apologizes for not listening to it.

Laswell

This woman listens to Mitski and Girl in Red and you can’t change my mind.

You will find a fair share of classical music and maybe a bit of Jazz music in her playlists.

She listens to soft music that you’d play when it’s raining or you’re studying

She definitely helps you with your homework (she calls you kiddo as a nickname)

She would smile as her wife, Anne, brings you guys fresh tea and cookies. (That woman is so sweet and make it obvious how Kate fell in love with her)

She’ll look through your playlist and smile at the songs she knows.

Horangi

Despite popular belief he does not listen to K-pop.

He actually prefers lo-fi hip hop

He has a playlist he listens to when he is getting set for missions.

He will listen to your music and save the ones he likes in a playlist with a picture of you as the cover.

Very soft boi and will sleep to his music while cuddling you

König

Lots of rock and rave music

He uses music as a way to help with his anxiety with his earbuds in when in crowds.

He has a few soft songs and when they come on this man will look at you with a dopey smile before asking you to dance.

It’s awkward at first but you guys eventually get it even if the song had ended and you were just dancing to whatever was playing now.

He tries to be gentle with you but he isn’t awkward about it.

If you send him music he saves the playlist and listens to it on deployment when he can’t sleep.

If you have anyone you’d like to see please feel free to send in an ask. I’ll gladly put them in the next one. I am doing these in groups of five.

[whatacaitastrophe]

Everything Has Changed - Chapter 11

Previous Chapter

Chapter Song Inspiration: "Seven Nation Army" - Stevie Howie

Chapter Warnings: Idiots talking about their feelings.

Spotify Playlist: Here

Author Notes: thank you all so much for reading, reblogging, liking, and commenting on this fic (and the first one)! if you are interested in supporting me in other ways, I have a Ko-Fi link <3

i also have a discord server! it was created to coincide with my twitch channel but you do NOT need to follow/subscribe/watch my twitch streams to come hang out with us <3 we talk a lot about bg3 and share memes and fics.

Chapter 11: Talkin' to Myself at Night

The night of what she’d started referring to as “the incident” in her mind, Fallon didn’t sleep. Her mind was too busy. It was one thing to imagine her boyfriend and ex-boyfriend kissing, or imagine herself as the middle portion of a vampire and sorcerer sandwich, but it was another entirely for those fantasies to become a reality. Add in the fact that “the incident” in question occurred without her consent, and Fallon was left feeling truly unsure of how she felt, or if coming to some sort of arrangement with Astarion and Gale was something she even wanted anymore. 

Fallon felt betrayed, and not just by Astarion. Gale swore that he never wanted to hurt Fallon again, and it took him less than a month to break that promise. Not only that, but once upon a time, Gale told Fallon that he was only interested in monogamous relationships. Fallon also knew that if the situation were reversed, and she were the one kissing Astarion without Gale’s consent, that Gale probably would have broken up with her on the spot upon catching them. The hypocrisy was rampant, and the hole in her heart that began to fill after rekindling her friendship with Gale was leaking again because of it. All of the reasons Fallon told herself that she couldn’t open her heart to Gale again (beyond the sexual relationship with Gale and Astarion she’d already fantasized about) were completely validated less than twenty-four hours after she’d even realized it was something she might want.

Then there was Astarion: the man who’d seen how fragile her heart was, glued the pieces Gale broke back together, promised to take care with it, and then promptly dropped it on the ground to shatter at the first opportunity. When she first met Astarion, he’d been all honeyed words of affirmation with a perfectly crafted persona to entice Fallon and the rest of their companions into trusting him as a method of survival. Was that still all she was to the vampire? A means to an end to ensure he survived another day? Had Astarion been playing the long con this whole time, and Fallon fell for it? Deep down, Fallon knew this wasn’t true; that Astarion loved her fiercely and genuinely. However, the logical part of her that knew this was currently being completely overpowered by her insecurities and anxieties, both of which were screaming at her for being stupid enough to trust that Astarion would keep his promise. 

It all hurt, and the thing Fallon hated the most was that the person she would normally go to when she was hurting was the source of her pain. She thought about using her sending stone to contact Shadowheart, or Karlach, but Fallon could hear her friends’ voices in her mind already. 

Shadowheart would tell her to go home– to go back to Baldur’s Gate and leave the vampire and the sorcerer to suffer the consequences of their actions and reflect on what they lost simply because they forgot to use their brains. “If they’re stupid enough to make that mistake, then they deserve each other, and certainly do not deserve you.”   

Karlach, on the other hand, would probably jump straight to murder. Murder wasn’t usually Karlach’s go-to method of solving problems. Unless, of course, someone she cared about got hurt. With how happy-go-lucky Karlach was most of the time, it was easy to forget that the tiefling-turned-illithid once served in Zariel’s army, and that she killed a lot of people on Zariel’s behalf. “Say the word, soldier, and I’ll meet you in Waterdeep, sneak up on them in an alley, and make their deaths look like an accident.”  

The solutions her friends would likely offer Fallon were not actually reasonable, or helpful, because they were just different forms of taking the easy way out, of running away from her problems. In the end it wouldn’t solve anything, and the person that was most likely to suffer most would still be Fallon. After all, how she felt about Astarion hadn’t suddenly changed in the wake of everything. How she’d started to feel about Gale again hadn’t gone away. Walking away from the two halves of her heart would do nothing but break her further. 

At the end of the day, Fallon wanted to give Gale and Astarion the benefit of the doubt. She wanted to believe that “the incident” had been as unexpected and unplanned as they said it was. She wanted to believe that Astarion and Gale actually cared as deeply for her as they claimed. 

Most importantly, she wanted them , and at the end of a sleepless night into a restless morning, that was where Fallon’s mind landed. The men who claimed to love her so deeply would get a chance to prove their love, but she would make them work for it. There would be no glossing over their infidelity and jumping right into a conversation about what being “together” as a threesome would look like. No, she fully intended to make the vampire and the sorcerer squirm, and to sit with the consequences of their actions for a while; to make them see earning her forgiveness was not as simple as saying “Sorry, it was an accident, we love you!” 

Fallon slipped out of the inn in Daggerford as soon as she was certain the shops were open, and purchased her own tent, as she had no intention of sharing one with Astarion for the next three days while they made the final leg of their journey to Waterdeep. Fallon knew herself, and having Astarion that close would increase the opportunity for her to have a moment of weakness, to fold too soon. 

When she returned to the inn with her new tent slung over her shoulder in a bag, Astarion and Gale were in the tavern, where the latter was eating breakfast. Astarion noticed her enter the tavern first, and he nudged Gale, nodding in Fallon’s direction. Gale looked at Fallon hopefully as she made her way towards the table. Fallon did not sit down as she observed the two men. They both looked tired, and Fallon did not even feel bad about the fact that knowing they slept like shit too brought her a little bit of joy. 

“I’ve decided I’ll be sleeping in my own tent for the next couple of days.” She explained, acknowledging the bag over her shoulder. Astarion’s eyes flickered sadly as he realized they were not forgiven yet, and that his actions would cost him more than a single night without Fallon in his arms. 

“What you did, what it means…Quite honestly, just looking at the two of you hurts. You don’t get to treat me like that and expect me to carry on like nothing happened, even if the idea of the three of us being an “us” is something I want to talk about. I refuse,” Fallon’s voice was cold, and she could feel her throat threatening to close up as tears welled in the corners of her eyes. Gods dammit, she was not going to cry in the middle of the fucking tavern. She furiously blinked back her tears, averting her gaze from Astarion and Gale since looking at them was just making it worse. “I need more time. When I’m ready to talk, I’ll come to you. Be ready to leave in an hour.” She did not stick around to see them silently nod their heads as they agreed to her terms, or the way that they guiltily looked at each other because they made her cry (again). 

Fallon did not speak to Gale or Astarion unless absolutely necessary for the next three days. In fact, a passerby would have assumed that somebody had cast a Silencing spell over their group, with how quiet their journey from Daggerford to Waterdeep was. Fallon’s silent treatment made Gale and Astarion hesitant to even speak to each other in her presence, and while Fallon hadn'tt asked them to do that, if they wanted to deprive themselves of verbal communication until she was ready to speak to them both as some form of self-punishment, she also wasn't going to correct them.

At night, after she retired to her tent for the evening, Fallon often heard them talking to each other in hushed tones as she drifted off to sleep. Each conversation was entirely about her, how terrible they felt for hurting her so badly that she was still ignoring them, and when they thought she would speak to them again. 

“I didn’t think it was possible for her to be quiet for this long,” Gale muttered to Astarion on the eve of the third day. “How much longer do you believe this will last?”

“I’m not sure, but if she didn’t deign to speak to us for another fortnight, would you blame her? I consider us lucky that she’s even considering speaking to us again at all,” Astarion countered, sighing heavily, and Fallon smiled softly to herself as she listened. “We’ll reach Waterdeep tomorrow, so maybe she’ll be ready to talk once we get to your tower?” 

“I hope so,” Gale said wistfully. “Speaking of which, I got a hold of Tara. Everything should be ready when we arrive.” 

“Excellent. Gods, I hope this works. I wouldn’t blame Fallon for ignoring us for another fortnight if she wished, but that doesn’t mean I want her to. I didn’t realize it was possible to miss someone you see every day.” 

Though Fallon could have guessed that Astarion missed her (probably Gale, too) by the way they looked at her whenever she’d grant either of them any brief acknowledgement in the last three days, it was still nice to hear the vampire say it out loud. Giving Astarion and Gale the silent treatment had been harder for Fallon than she thought it would be, because every time she acknowledged them, the hopeful look on their faces, the optimistic thought that, perhaps, the worst of her hurt and anger might be over, nearly broke her resolve. Not speaking to them unless absolutely necessary had also made Fallon miss them , too. By the time they rode through the city entrance to Waterdeep, the deepest parts of the hurt Fallon felt because of their actions had passed. The pain wasn’t completely gone, but the idea of talking to Gale and Astarion about it didn’t reduce her to tears anymore. That was Fallon’s internal sign that she was ready for this conversation, and perhaps, to begin down the path to forgiveness. 

The City of Splendours was just as beautiful as the name would suggest, and Fallon was actually starting to think that Gale had somehow managed to undersell his hometown. She couldn’t help but watch Gale’s face as he took in the city as they passed through the streets. Fallon couldn’t remember the last time she saw Gale look so happy. In fact, Fallon wasn’t entirely sure she’d ever seen Gale as happy as he was in that moment. 

Gale looked back at Fallon, still beaming as they rode beside each other. “If you’ll allow me to take the lead, I will escort us to my tower.” She nodded, pulling back on her horse’s reins slightly so Gale could pass, and even that small acknowledgement made Gale’s smile so much brighter. Of course, finding Gale’s tower wouldn’t have exactly been difficult even if she and Astarion had been on their own. The ornate tower was centrally located, and arguably one of the tallest buildings she could see. To her surprise, there were people waiting to take their horses to a nearby stable when they arrived, and a small bit of sadness filled Fallon as she kissed her own horse’s nose for the final time, at least until they returned. It wasn’t like the horses could go through the portal to Asha with them, and no matter how long they remained in Waterdeep, Fallon had a feeling they’d mostly walk. 

The quiet filling the air as Fallon, Gale, and Astarion entered the landing level of Gale’s tower was a different kind of silence to the one they’d been sitting in for the last several days. Fallon and Astarion were in too much awe to speak, and Gale was just so happy to be home that he looked like he was trying not to cry. “It’s beautiful, Gale.” Fallon said softly as they ascended the stairs to the next level, where Tara was waiting for them in the sitting room. 

“Mr. Dekarios! It is so lovely to see you sir, you’re looking much better than you were the last time I saw you– even if you still haven’t shaved that horrid thing on your face. Nice to see you both again, too.” Tara greeted them. 

“Hi Tara.” Fallon giggled, not able to help herself. She remembered Gale lamenting about how much the tressym hated his long hair and scruffy face, but Gale liked it, so it stayed. Fallon liked it, too, so she was glad that Gale’s companion hadn’t managed to bully him into getting rid of it.

Gale sighed, but the smile on his face never faded as he shook his head at Tara. “It’s lovely to see you as well, Tara. I’ve missed you,” he squatted down so he could scratch beneath the tressym’s chin. When he stood again, he clapped his hands together. “Is everything in order?”

Tara hopped onto the back of the sofa. “Everything is in order and still on schedule,” she confirmed, and Fallon looked back and forth between Gale and Astarion with a curious look on her face. “Is what in order?” It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Tara was referring to whatever plan Astarion and Gale concocted to get back in her good graces, but there was a schedule? 

Astarion removed his facial covering now that they were indoors again, and he gave her a sly look in reply. “You’ll find out soon enough, darling, but I’m afraid you’ll need to remain in the dark just a bit longer.”

Gale’s look matched Astarion’s, and suddenly Fallon found herself regretting putting the two of them in a situation to conspire against her. “Indeed. On that note, I’m afraid we have to kick you out for a bit,” Fallon frowned as Gale continued. “Not to worry, though! Tara has agreed to act as your guide while you explore the city”

Fallon opened her mouth to argue– she’d really been looking forward to just taking a bath and mentally preparing herself for the conversation she intended to have with the vampire and the sorcerer standing before her; but before she could say anything, Astarion cut her off as he reached into his pocket for a small satchel that had the telltale jingle of coin inside, offering it to her. “I realize we’ve not given you much of a reason to trust us recently, but I promise you won’t regret it. Please.” His eyes were soft and pleading, the closest to a puppy-eyed expression Fallon had ever seen Astarion make. Gale was already rubbing off on him. 

If they really went this far out of their way to plan something for her, the least she could do is play along. Fallon let out a resigned sigh and nodded. “Lead the way, Tara.” She gestured to the door and relief washed over Gale and Astarion’s faces, the latter looked like he’d kiss Fallon if she let him. The tressym hopped down from the back of the sofa and made her way towards the door. “This way, miss Fallon.” Fallon nodded in goodbye to Astarion and Gale, smiling softly at them, and she followed Tara out. 

Once back outside the tower, Tara hopped up onto Fallon’s shoulder, causing the elf to let out a noise of surprise. “Forgive me, miss Fallon, it’s just easier to travel like this– I fear you’d lose me rather quickly otherwise. Our first stop isn’t far.”

“First stop?” Fallon asked warily.

“Oh yes, this is a multiple-stop outing, miss Fallon. Astarion and Mr. Dekarios gave me explicit instructions.”

“Why am I suddenly nervous?” Fallon mused as she weaved through the streets of Waterdeep, Not a single passerby seemed to be surprised to see a tressym sitting on her shoulder, which meant things like this were just…normal here. She followed Tara’s instructions as she took in her surroundings. 

Fallon didn’t know why it surprised her so much, but their first stop was a bookshop. She should have known, since this was an outing at least half-planned by Gale Dekarios. The shop was quiet, with only around twenty or so other patrons milling about and browsing books. “Hello, Norbert!” Tara greeted someone as they entered. The halfling sitting on a high top stool behind the counter looked up from his book, and as soon as he saw Fallon and Tara, his face brightened. “Ah, Tara! I was wondering when you’d be by. Let me go grab your order.” 

The halfling slid from his stool and disappeared into the back of his shop. “Tara, did Gale send me out with you to run his errands?” She laughed.

“Technically, yes, but also no. We’re not here for an order for Mr. Dekarios.”

Confusion etched across Fallon’s features. “Are we running your errands?” 

“Goodness, I thought Mr. Dekarios said you were a bright woman,” the tressym chastised, and Fallon frowned. “He placed an order for you, dear.” 

Fallon’s face immediately softened, and her heart swelled in her chest. Of course Gale would use books as a means of re-gaining favor with someone. The halfling returned with a small stack of books in his hands, and Fallon immediately recognized the book on the bottom of the stack just from its spine. She waited patiently for the halfling to set the books on his counter before touching them. “Here you are, all present and accounted for.” 

Fallon reached for the books and began scanning the titles– the first three were all romance novels, but the last book in the stack made Fallon gasp. It was a first edition copy of the book about the boy wizard. How had Gale managed to find this? The book was printed almost twenty years ago. Fallon carefully opened it, and a folded piece of parchment slipped out, fluttering to the floor. Tara jumped onto the counter as Fallon bent down to retrieve it, and she realized it was a note, addressed to her. Fallon unfolded the parchment and recognized the neat, precise script with which it was written. 

“ Dearest Fallon, 

As you know, when we met, one of the first things that drew me to you was our shared love of literature. Once upon a time I recommended three romance novels to you, and promised to procure copies for you after we saved the world. These are a bit delayed on delivery, seeing as we saved the world two years ago at this point, but I do hope you enjoy them all the same. I’d planned on taking you to this shop to purchase copies for you once we arrived in Waterdeep anyway and then, well, you know what happened. 

You’ve obviously read the last one in the stack, but you mentioned Astarion has been hogging your copy, so I had Norbert find another for you. Admittedly, I was quite surprised when he told me that he had a first edition copy in his stockroom! What a treasure, indeed, just like its new owner. 

I realize that it might seem like I am trying to buy your forgiveness, but I can assure you that is not the case. I would have bought them for you anyway, because you deserve to start doing things you enjoy again, after spending so long sacrificing yourself and your needs for the greater good. Though I do look forward to (hopefully) hearing your thoughts on the romance books once you’ve finished them. They’re quite riveting. 

Yours, 

Gale”

Fallon’s smile grew wider and wider as she read Gale’s not. The sorcerer might not have been trying to buy her forgiveness, but it was definitely helping. “Thank you, Norbert. These are lovely. I can’t wait to read them.” 

The halfling beamed at her. “Enjoy! Gale has excellent taste, so I doubt you’ll be disappointed.”

Tara jumped back onto Fallon’s shoulder. “Tara, do we have time for me to browse for a bit, to see if I find anything else I might like?”

“We do! Mr. Dekarios had a feeling you might want to browse,” Tara confirmed, and Fallon smiled. “He said to tell you to pick out whatever you’d like, and Norbert will put it on his tab.”

Of course Gale had a tab at his local bookshop, Fallon was not even surprised. She spent the next half-hour browsing the shelves and managed to limit herself to two additional books. After all, Gale already bought her four and she didn’t want to seem like she was taking advantage of his kindness (and his desire to get back on her good side). With her books stashed in her bag of holding, Fallon exited the shop and looked around. “Where to next, Tara?” 

The next shop they visited was a dress shop, and Fallon did not even need to ask which man instructed Tara to bring her here. Just as Norbert had, the elven woman running the shop recognized Tara, and she immediately greeted them both with a bright smile as she pulled a note out of a drawer on her side of the counter. Once again, the note was addressed to Fallon and was written in a familiar, elegant script.

“Fallon, my love,

I believe I still owe you a new dress after ruining yours at the Winter Solstice. The shop has your measurements, and I told them what colors you prefer, so they hopefully pulled a few things already. I look forward to seeing whichever breathtaking option you choose.

I love you.

xx,

Astarion”

Even the notes they’d each written for her were entirely in character. Gale’s verbosity extended even to paper, while Astarion was right to the point, and each note left Fallon’s heart stuttering in her chest. Sure enough, as Fallon pocketed the note from Astarion, the shopkeeper had walked across the shop to a small rack of dresses separate from everything else. Fallon smiled at the assortment of dark blue, burgundy, and black dresses that hung there. “Tara, I don’t suppose you know if there’s a specific occasion I should be shopping for, or if I’m simply just to choose any dress that suits my fancy?” 

“I’ve been instructed to tell you that there are plans this evening for which you might want to have a new dress but, and I quote, 'she could show up wearing rags off the floor of the Elfsong Tavern and she’d still look beautiful, so it doesn’t matter.' ” 

Fallon snorted with laughter. Even Tara’s delivery of the instructions sounded like Astarion. “Well alright then.” 

There was a stool next to the rack of clothing, and Tara jumped onto it and sat down. “While I am not privy to all of the details, Mr. Dekarios alluded to the…transgressions he and Astarion committed together. As a result, he and Astarion are now both desperate to prove how much they care for you, and are equally as desperate to earn your forgiveness,”

“Well that’s certainly one way of putting it.” Fallon hummed as she began to examine the dresses on the rack before her with intent.

“So, miss Fallon, if I may make one tiny suggestion? One female to another?” There was a mischievous tone in Tara’s voice that piqued Fallon’s curiosity, and she tore her gaze from the dresses to look at the tressym.

“Let’s hear it.” Fallon agreed.

“Make them crawl.” 

Chapter List

[moonlitinks]

Writer Q&A Tag Game

Thank you to bestie @writingbyricochet for tagging me! CAN WE JUST START OFF WITH THAT LITTLE WRITING SNIPPET (AND THE KISS SCENE) THAT HAD ME SQUEALING??? I AM SO, SO EXCITED FOR PARADISE LIVED AND DIED. for anyone interested in this amazing writer, her answers are linked here!

1) What motivates you to write?

Whenever I sit there and read a good book in one sitting for hours. The magic. The characters. The romance. The ACTION. It just makes me realize that I want to ignite this same feeling to others, and I want to make my book feel like a second home for them to escape to <3

2) A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

This is my most recent writing snippet that I'm just SO HAPPY TO WRITE I DON'T KNOW WHY

“Well, I think you’re a selfish—” Rip. The sound of her skirt tearing caused her to pause, and the magpie picked and picked at the edges of her dress. What was it doing? Bari grabbed at the remaining pieces before she exposed herself and got kicked out due to indecency. He stared at her with indifference, scowling like he could not take her at all. “There,” he said. “Now you have no reason to cling to me.” He snatched the magpie from the air and Bari cried out in alarm. Even the bird seemed to sense the dangerous aura that the he emitted, pecking at the space in between them. Altair paused at where the magpie pecked, and his gaze slipped for a second, enough to Bari to snatch her bird back, and the lantern in the other.  She really did need to get rid of the lantern, but it wouldn’t move because, apparently, even an enchanted object believed that she didn’t know what she wanted. “Tell me to take a voice.”

3) Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

Altair, because he's so complex. I always love a character that is more mysterious and has a lot of history to unpack behind them because of all the awful things they've done, but a lot of guilt and regret following them, too. Seeing their transformation arc is BEAUTIFUL.

4) What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Drafting and creating plot twists! And brainstorming / daydreaming about ideas. If you can't tell, I'm not much of a plotter haha.

5) What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

Inner dialogue! And I think I really like getting in depth with characters, so you really know them.

6) What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

I think I love it because we're all honest about the writing process. Writing is really lonely and it actually can really drain you mentally without the right mindset. Personally, I have a lot of anxiety, so seeing people that understand me really makes me feel like I can write and simply enjoy it. It also makes me feel less alone.

7) A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

Scrivener, my love. I also love watching author interviews like Chloe Gong and Stephanie Garber and just seeing what their drafting and publishing journey has been like, and it inspires me to write! Pinterest is also great for aesthetics, and Spotify is the best for playlists <3

8) A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

I love the Enchanted Kingdom (soon to be named...) I've built so far. It's filled with curses that have been unresolved in the first lives that these gods have lived, and now have reappeared to kinda ruin the Kingdom. My world is very fairytale slash studio ghibli esque, so I'm having so fun with the tidbits now!

9) What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

Oh, God. DO I KNOW THIS PERSONALLY. I swear my rough patch hasn't ended... writing after nearly not writing for a good two years really does something to you.

Writing is all about mindset. It doesn't matter how much of an oddball idea you have. If you don't believe in it, it'll never get finished. Every time I doubted myself, my anxiety got so bad I shut down immediately. And I was so worried about what other people would think when reading my books, that I stopped myself from writing the books I want to write in the first place. Whether you have people around you discouraging to write, or can't believe in yourself, at the end of the day, it's just you and your book. And what's the point of writing if you're just following a trend? Or slugging yourself to finish a book you can't even connect with? Each book is a piece of yourself, and I think the greatest realization I had is to write the story you want to read. And it doesn't matter if it's about some girl who makes a deal with a god to save her sister, or about some alien on a spaceship, or about carnivals! Writing is so amazing because you can connect with readers who enjoy the same things you do, but it all starts with believing in yourself first.

When you get stuck, don't panic. If you haven't read an article about how Boredom Leads to Creativity, maybe take a quick break about writing that first! Writing isn't about who finishes the book first, but it's about quality and a game of luck. Maybe you need a break away from writing. Maybe you need to reconnect with your characters. Maybe you're just tired of toiling over and over again on this plot line.

There is no set method to returning to your project. But what has helped me is learning why I want to write. It doesn't matter how much I return to my world, or try to force my characters into more trauma if there's no reason why I'm writing this. Like, is it to enjoy it? Is it to have people experience these feelings I've felt months ago, and hold importance to me? Even the simplest reasons are the deepest ones. <3

And finally (sorry this advice is literally a hundred pages long, can you tell I'm procrastinating right now?), writing is meant to be serious, but it's also meant to be fun. The draft is simply just that: a draft. You can get ideas from random lines you wrote, or even take out characters to write a different book about! Don't ruin the one thing you've learned to love. Personally, writing in fun / ugly fonts: Arial, Comic Sans, etc., has really helped me focus on what I want to say instead of whether this book will ever get queried or not. Set a routine. Write everyday, or don't if you're more of a mood writer. The instant you feel the itch to write, JUST FUCKING DO IT, OKAY. THIS IS A SIGN. It doesn't matter if it's a scene in the third act and you're only on chapter 1. It's a sign that the story wants you, and only you to write it.

FINALLY FINALLY, I swear this is my last piece of advice, and the shortest: Believe in yourself, even when no one else does. Writing is hard, but rewarding. I believe in you. <3

wowooww that was long, tagging @orphicpoieses @macabremoons @halfbit @leisoree @sleepysuiteheart @the-chaotic-writer @heymacareyna @hallwriteblr @sculpture-in-a-period-drama @pixelw0rds @thetruearchmagos + other mutuals and anyone who wants to participate! i would love to hear your responses, PLEASE.

[ellethespaceunicorn]

Bright Like The Moon: Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Something Tells Me You Know What I Mean

Rating: Explicit, 18+, Minors - DNI

Fandom: Night Hunter

Pairing: Walter Marshall x Black!OFC 

Word count: 5.5K

Summary: Kamaria Mansfield is hired at the Minnesota Police Department as an intern. Detective Walter Marshall is overworked and unsatisfied. Takes place post-film.

Chapter Summary: Walter and Kamaria have had a rocky road back uphill, will they get to even ground or will it crumble beneath their feet?

Chapter warnings: mentions of past trauma (abduction/SA from last chapter), police interrogation, yelling, Daddy kink, dacryphilia, oral (m receiving), unprotected p-in-v sex, fingering (anal - f receiving), creampie, double creampie

A/N: I’m not a detective or a lawyer, I don’t know the law, I just write fanfiction. So, don’t use my work as research material. Also, there is a special guest. Oh, wait there are two special guests! Un-beta’d, we die like people who tried their best.

Dividers: @firefly-graphics

Support/Reblog banner by me

Cover Art by me, model for Cover Art credits

Cross-posted on AO3

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Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

Kamaria’s POV

One Month Later

“I have to say you are making leaps and bounds these days, Kamaria. I’m proud of you,” Yada sits in her armchair, smiling at me and I can’t help but return it, “Are you proud of yourself?”

“I…am, yeah,” I rub my hands together while trying to get my words to flow, “I’ve been through a lot in the last month or so. My abduction and assault were a blow to my spirit. But, I’ve done the work to help with the anxiety.”

“You have definitely done some work with your anxiety. Just looking at you, your shoulders aren’t slumped and you look relaxed. How about sleeping and eating? I was worried for a while about nightmares keeping you up. It also crossed my mind that this incident might trigger a relapse in your eating disorder.” Yada’s face is one of support, but I can see her genuine concern for me.

“The nightmares have gotten better. When I’m woken up, I do my breathing exercises and I’m usually able to get right back to sleep. I eat three meals a day now. It’s nice to feel hungry again and not just be forcing myself to eat. I’ve identified my triggers in movies and tv so I can judge what’s ok for me to watch. I start back to work next week, which is awesome. Still having trouble with crowds though. I mean, I have Walter there so I feel like I have an anchor but I haven’t been alone in a crowd.” As I mention Walter, that little thought in the back of my mind crawls its way to the front of my consciousness.

Maybe she won’t ask me about it this time?

“So, speaking of Walter, how’s your intimacy?”

Damn it!

“We make out like teenagers behind bleachers. He’s still my cuddly grumpy bear,” I slowly shake my head as I look down, preparing myself to unleash my emotions, “I love Walter. I do. He started going to a therapist to deal with how this all affected him. I’m so proud of him for that, that man is not vocal. I mean, yeah, with me he won’t shut up. But with strangers, he keeps everything so close to the chest.”

“Have you not noticed any changes in his demeanor?”

“He’s become able to talk with me about what happened. I mean, before? He would walk on eggshells around me like I was this fragile porcelain doll. After some yelling from me, he agreed that he wasn’t dealing with what happened and he started therapy. But, I don’t know how to like, ask him for more.” 

“More?”

“I don’t know how to convince Walter that I’m ready to have sex. He seems like he wants to. But he always stops right before we would usually…‘go all the way’.” Getting frustrated, I end it there.

“You haven’t had sex of any kind?” Thanks for being blunt, Yada.

“Well, we have. Technically. He has gone down on me a few times. But when I ask to return the favor, he usually just says he’s fine or that I don’t have to. And, I’m just salivating these days because I can see that he’s aroused and he won’t let me touch him. I don’t want to force him to tell me what’s stopping him. But I’m worried that it’s something I’m doing that is holding him back. I’m five seconds away from just jumping on him while naked but I don’t want to scare him. And that’s not me putting down my body, I’m just saying coming at him like that might be a little…much.”

“This may seem intense but, have you considered asking him what troubles him?” When I open and close my mouth like a fish gasping for air, she continues, “Great. That’s your homework, then.” Yada takes out her notebook and writes something down before getting up to go around to her desktop computer.

My eyes are following her, my brow creasing, “So just…ask him about it?”

“Yup. Ask him what’s holding him back from allowing himself to be touched. Tell him you want to touch him. Tell him the truth, that you miss that part of your relationship. And ask him what you can do to help. Be comforting, be there for him like he’s been there for you, and be your genuine self.”

“Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Just inform him that I miss his dick and ask him what I can do to make touching it again a reality. Perfect, I got this.” I slap a fake smile on my face and give a thumbs-up to Yada.

“Fake smile or not, you can handle this. Remember to breathe and take your time. Any answer he may give you could be triggering, so pace yourself and remember your coping skills.”

I nod, not really feeling like talking anymore.

We finish up the session and say our goodbyes. As I leave her office, I steel my features and make it to the hallway where Walter sits and reads from his phone. 

Oh, did I not mention that he won’t let me go anywhere by myself? Yeah. He’s become my shadow.

“Hey baby, you ready?” I say, grabbing his hand as he reaches it out to me. I must have let a bit of emotion slip through because I can see the gears working behind his smile.

As we walk to the exit, Walter speaks, “You have homework concerning me, don’t you?” 

I stop walking and gulp nervously, shifting from foot to foot. 

“So, that’s a yes. Don’t worry, I can’t hear what happens in Yada’s office. You just have a tell when you have to talk to me about something, that’s all.”

My dumb ass actually waits for him to tell me what my giveaway is, we end up in the parking lot before I realize he’s not saying anything. “Gonna keep that to yourself, then?”

“Of course!” He chuckles, pulling me to him so he can plant a kiss on my temple.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” I pout, getting into the truck, “But, there better be ice cream in the near future.”

He smiles at me, tilting his head and saying nothing but closing the door. Putting on my seatbelt, I grumble to myself as he is getting into the truck. That little shit! 

“I’m sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.” I freeze and look up to see a stern Daddy's face.

“I’m sorry!” I scramble to recover, not wanting to say what I said under my breath.

“Hm. Sounded something like ‘See if I will get any ice cream after that outburst’? But, that can’t be right.” He adopts a confused expression, then looks at me with a hint of fire in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.”

“Good girl. Now, let’s go home for lunch and see if you can’t earn yourself a treat.” He reaches over and pats my thigh before giving it a squeeze in one large paw.

The noise I make is somewhere between a whimper and a moan. And judging by the look on Walter’s face as he starts the car, he enjoyed the sound. He spends the entire ride with his hand on my thigh, and it’s glorious feeling the heat emanating from his hand.

Walter’s POV

After a simple yet hearty lunch, we settle down on the couch. She hasn’t brought up her homework yet, which means it’s going to be a tough conversation. It’s not as if I’m looking forward to having this interaction, but the sooner it is over the sooner we can move forward. 

If I were a betting man, I would put money on it that she wants to talk about our sex life. Or rather, my inability to give myself to her as of late. She won’t like the reason why and I’ll have to take what she dishes out on that front.

I did something she asked me not to do and now I have to tell her.

I spoke to her attacker. Technically.

Walter’s POV

Three Weeks Ago

It’s been about a week since…the incident. Kam is taking this all in stride, from therapy appointments to meetings with the legal team. With the evidence collected, it’s pretty much an open-and-shut case to get both of these men in prison. 

Justin is being charged with drug possession and being an accomplice in the kidnapping. But her captor is being charged with criminal sexual conduct in the second degree, rape in the second degree, and kidnapping in the second degree.

I am off of the case, per the department and Kamaria herself. I’m too close to it. I know that. I understand that I have a stake in this. The love of my life was hurt by these men, and all I want is to see them come to justice.

Seeing her in that hospital bed broke me. Talking to that little shit who somehow thinks he and Kam are in love? While he might have lost the plot, he’s a delusional kid at best and a misguided psychopath at worst. He’s in custody and he’s cooperating with us which is all I care about right now. 

Well, not all I care about. The other one is on my mind nonstop. The mastermind who somehow got help from a kid to commit atrocious crimes. The tosser who I’m told is complex, charismatic, and calculating. I was specifically told by Kam to not get involved. I was officially told by Harper to stay out of it.

And I didn’t engage. Technically. 

It’s a particularly taxing day and I barely slept a wink the night before. Nightmares were keeping Kam awake and I stay up with her so she isn’t alone. The lack of sleep could have accounted for what happened, but let’s be honest I would have done the same damn thing on a full night’s sleep.

I was walking to the men’s room when there was a commotion down the hall. It sounded like it was coming from interrogation and I felt like being nosy. 

I wish I never walked down that hall.

I see Commissioner Harper exiting Interrogation Room 2 but he doesn’t see or hear me approaching. A uniformed officer stands at the door, his eyes flitting between Harper and myself. He clears his throat in a vain attempt to subtly announce my presence. 

Harper turns and notices me, coming to turn me back in the other direction. I make it to the window before he’s able to stop me from looking in. I recognize Rachel sitting with her back to the window, but the person she’s talking to looks unfamiliar. He looks like an arsehole, that mustache belongs in a bad 70s porno.

“Who’s the–” I begin, but Harper stops me.

“Detective, turn around right now. You don’t want to be here.” He points a finger in the other direction and I’m confused for a moment before clarity washes over me.

“Why don’t–,” It feels like slow motion as I look back to the window and it clicks into place, “Is that him?”

The way he looks down, pinching the bridge of his nose, means my suspicion is confirmed. 

Turning back to the window, I clench my jaw and stare ahead at the son-of-a-bitch. I can feel my hands start to tremble, and the adrenaline of rage courses through my veins. Only one thing can help release all of this pent-up energy. As if he could read my mind, I hear Harper speak up.

“Marshall, don’t even think about it.” He doesn’t sound very convincing, does he?

“I promise I won’t touch him, I won’t even say a word,” I plead with him to let me in, “I just need to look into his eyes.” My voice starts to crack at the end and I feel like I could scream.

“Don’t make me regret this,” He signals to the officer to step aside, “And I mean it, not a fucking word.” I nod and we walk in catching the end of a conversation.

“...and then that goddamn kid goes and falls for the girl. I wake up and they’re both gone! Police jammin’ me up over a fuckin’ skirt? Such bullshit! This wasn’t even on me. There’s no point for me to lie, I know you have Justin here somewhere. He’s told you plenty I’m sure.” As if he was so enthralled in his own story, he turns to look at us finally as Harper takes a seat next to Rachel and I remain standing and crossing my arms. His face peels into a shit-eating grin when he settles on me.

Rachel looks up at me and then to Harper who holds up a hand. I see her tense before moving on. “When you say “this wasn’t on you”, what does that mean?”

“I get an envelope delivered to my door with a picture of this girl and a fat stack of cash. I could’ve just run off with the money, but I was promised more when the job was done.” 

“What exactly was ‘the job’?”

I debated leaving at the point and well, hindsight is 20/20.

“Well, the job was to find Kamaria Mansfield. Find out if she was happy, and end that happiness. Seems like she’s a lot tougher than we thought, eh Walter?” He looks back up at me and winks, “Where are my manners? Lloyd Hansen, pleased to finally meet you face-to-face.” 

“How do you know–” Rachel starts, but Hansen interrupts.

“Like I said, sweetheart. The job was to find the girl, and anywhere that Mary went, her lamb was sure to go. And by lamb, I mean this big lug over here. They spend almost every waking hour together, it would be cute if I didn’t have a job to do. So, she’s definitely happy. But! She’s dating a fucking detective and working in a fucking police station, so my options are limited. I follow her for weeks until he drives her to meet with her friends at some stupid little club. Luckily, I knew I could overpower her, but it was best to make sure she wouldn’t fight me. And that’s where Justin comes in.” He stops to catch his breath, then starts again.

“Now, Justin…lives with me. Met him online, only knows me as Sir. That boy is a pretty little thing and he has his uses. Drugs and easy sex are about it, actually. I call him up and tell him to get an Uber to the club ‘cause we’re going to find me a girl. He had no clue about my job and he didn’t need to know. Sort of an unspoken ignorance is bliss type deal. Anyway, he gets to the club and I’ve been watching her all night. I wait until she’s dancing by herself. The other two chicks are at the bar being seduced by two lunkheads that look like they could benchpress a fucking cow. I make my way over to the girl and start grinding behind her. I figure she’s out on the town without the boyfriend, and dancing isn’t cheating so why not cut a rug? But she’s not into it and starts to try and get away, that little scamp. So I make sure I hold onto her tight while Justin gets in place to keep her distracted. He’s able to slip her the Molly. And it goes through her pretty quickly, probably due to the booze in her system. Pretty soon, she is all over Justin and he’s excited as hell until she starts to freak out, asking for Walter before she passes out. We get her to the van in the alley and we take her to where we stay.”

“And that’s the house near Twin Lakes Beach, off Route 69?” Rachel, ever the professional, tries to keep him talking.

“That’ll be the one. Had her for about a day and a half before I noticed her and Justin getting a little too chummy. I thought about killing her, but why murder when you can emotionally and physically scar someone? I made sure she’d never forget me, I made sure that what I did left a mark. She could never see it all as a bad dream, because she’ll have evidence that it all happened. From the pain in her pussy to the cuts from my butterfly knife on her hands and face, I’ll always be with her. And every time you look at her, Walter, you’ll be thinking of me, won’t you?” He was so pleased with himself. Perhaps he wanted to have this interaction with me all along, to rub it all in my face.

All I could see was red, my hands start to hurt from shaking so badly, and I knew I could pick him up and throw him just from the outrage in my veins. I keep my arms crossed because I knew if I lowered them, they would be reaching out for this arsehole. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself at that moment. I don’t know how I managed to hold myself together at all.

Before I say or do something I regret, Harper stands and walks out of the room and drags me along with him. For a few moments, I’m stunned speechless. But that’s over soon enough.

“He knew her name, he knew she worked here, he knew me, and he knew we were dating. This means it wasn’t random. Which means someone wanted to purposefully hurt her. But who would want to hurt her?” As the question is coming out of my mouth, I think of one name.

Christopher. 

The ex-boyfriend from college. The one who abused her, the one she hit over the head with a sculpture. But does he have the means, the motive, or the opportunity to hire someone to rough up his ex? And would bringing him into this put Kam at risk of being brought up on charges of assault? With so many variables, I do the only thing I could think to do.

I keep my fucking mouth shut. I tell Harper this is too much for me and I make a hasty exit.

Once I am back in my office, I call to check in on Kam and just hearing her voice keeps me calm. I manage to keep my voice steady and if she hears my voice falter, she doesn’t mention it. And I thank my lucky stars.

As we end the call, I think back to Lloyd’s words: “Every time you look at her, Walter, you’ll be thinking of me”.

The stuff of nightmares…

Kamaria’s POV

The Present

“Walter?” I wave my hand in front of his face, getting his attention, “You were certainly deep in thought.”

“Sorry, love. Just wondering what your homework is, is all.” He takes a deep breath and nudges me to speak.

“Well, it’s…I just,” I take a beat, chewing on my lip, “Walter, I…fuck, this is suddenly really difficult to talk about.”

He puts a hand over my fidgeting fingers and instantly soothes me.

“Um, ok. I’ll just come out with it then. I miss being intimate with you. I miss touching you. And I want you to know that I love when you eat me out. Trust me, I absolutely go nuts for it. But, you don’t let me return the favor. And we haven’t had sex in about a month. I just, want to know what I can do to make you feel comfortable. I’m just hoping it isn’t something I’m doing to keep you away–”

“No, no, no. Kam, it’s not you. I’m so sorry that I even made you feel like it was something you did,” He turns and faces me while sitting on the couch, “I have to tell you something and you’re not going to like it. But it will explain why I’ve been the way I have been.”

I push down the immense fear that he’s leaving me, my abandonment issues rearing their ugly head yet again. I nod for him to continue to avoid the threat of my voice cracking when I speak.

“I know you told me not to get involved in your case. But something happened a few weeks ago and you deserve to know about it.” The grave look on his face has me worried.

“What happened?”

He proceeds to launch into a retelling of what my attacker said to him. From being given “the job” to following us and watching me in the club. It hurt to hear that Walter was given all this information. Just to hurt him. But, as mad as I am at Lloyd for what he did to me, I feel just as furious at Walter for keeping all of this a secret for almost a month. 

“So, let me get this straight. You’ve been hurting in silence and didn’t think, not even once, to share this with me? Just leaving me thinking it’s my fault that you don’t want to have sex with me? But it’s the words of a sociopath that you chose to cling to. What happened to ‘we’re in this together’?” 

“We are in this together. I just thought I could handle it.”

“Handle it?!” I untangle myself from him and get up from the couch to start pacing, my anger bubbling inside me, “How do you expect to handle something like that without actually fucking handling it with me or your therapist? Fucking anyone!”

He pinches the bridge of his nose, releasing a heavy breath through his nostrils. “How could I have told you then? It had been less than a week since you got out of the hospital. If I brought this up, it would have seriously affected your progress and I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Oh, thank you for waiting to tell me until I had to practically reach inside you and pull out this information. You’re letting him get to you, don’t give him that power. I’m telling you that from a victim’s perspective. Yes, he hurt us, but if we dwell on that, we’re letting him win.”

“Just knowing what he looks like, having him tell me to my face what he did to you. It took everything out of me not to thrash him. I wanted to kill him. That anger…it’s never left me. I just push it down. I just…” An inhuman grunt escapes him and it goes straight to my core.

“Stop pushing it down.”

He wipes a hand down his face and looks up at me. “What do you mean?”

“Something tells me you know exactly what I mean…Daddy.”

“I’m too wound up for that, I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”

“I’m not afraid that you’ll hurt me,” I kneel in front of where he sits on the couch, “I’m afraid that you won’t.”

A shuddering breath leaves Walter before he leans forward and grabs a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back to expose my neck. “Does Princess need a little pain from Daddy?”

“Yes, Daddy,” I let the emotion inside me escape as tears down my face, “Please hurt me.”

“Fuck you look beautiful when you cry for me, Princess,” He releases my hair and leans back to unbutton and unzip his jeans, his thick and hard dick springing out. He reaches a hand to my face to wipe my tears and with that same hand he starts to jerk his dick, “Come suck your tears off Daddy’s dick, Princess.”

I’ve never thrown myself on a dick so fast. I don’t take my time, I’ve missed it too much. I suck him down, my tongue massaging the underside of his dick. The sounds coming out of him were so rewarding and I could feel the wetness already gathering in my folds. I clench my legs together to keep focused but it only made me moan around his length.

Gathering all my hair in one hand, he holds me steady so he could fuck my face and I couldn’t be happier. The heavy weight of him on my tongue, the drool leaking from the sides of my mouth, my gagging sounds when he hits my uvula. 

It’s too much and I try and move a hand down into my panties but I’m stopped when Walter pulls my head off of him quickly. I sputter and cough, wiping at the drool on my lips. 

“Awwww does Princess need attention on her little pussy?” I nod, as he jerks himself in my face, “Panties off, come up here so you can suck Daddy’s dick and I can play with that pretty pussy.”

I pull my skirt up and pull down my panties, shucking them…somewhere behind me. I get down on all fours with my ass up, leaning down on my elbows. Walter lands some seriously mighty smacks to my ass and stifles my moans by shoving my head down on his length.

He snakes a hand to my clit and rolls it between his thumb and forefinger. I groan into his dick and feel him twitch in my mouth. I sink down on him, letting him repeatedly into my throat for as long as he can handle it. Which ends up being long enough that my throat hurts. 

The man hasn’t fucked me in a month but has this kind of stamina, must be all the anger coursing through him.

“Fuck, Princess…need to have this pussy in my mouth before I fuck it,” He starts to get up and I go to move but he stops me, “You stay right where you are, baby,” He moves behind me on the couch, pushing my front all the way down so my pussy is exposed under my plump ass, “Fuck, so fucking wet for me already, Princess. Such a good girl for Daddy.”

He flattens his tongue and licks from my clit to my entrance, Stiffening his tongue, he fucks into me while his thumb rubs my clit. I push back on him, riding his tongue until I feel that familiar tension.

“Daddy, please may I cum?” 

“Be a good girl and cum on Daddy’s tongue, Princess.” That’s when he decides to push his tongue as far as it will get into my cunt. I can feel him licking my walls.

Oh, he’s really eating me out now.

“Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuck,” I feel the knot tighten then release as I cum over my tongue and lips. My legs shake as I come down and I don’t notice Walter getting into position behind me.

I’m so tight and hot after cumming that he has to push in a few times before my pussy lets him in all the way. But once he’s nestled inside, we both groan at the feeling. Me from the fullness, him from the snug fit.

Pulling most of the way out, he pushes in slowly. He picks up the pace as he goes, his big paws holding my cheeks apart so he can see the grip I have on him. 

“Fuck, I love fucking this pussy, Princess,” He slams into me so deep and fast that I wonder how the fuck he’s doing it, “But this little knot keeps winking at me. I think it wants some attention too.”

“You wanna play with my ass, Daddy?” We’ve never done that before and I’m so turned on and feeling fucked out enough already that I would let him do anything.

“That’s my good girl,” I hear him spit and feel it land on my ass. His thumb circles my knot before dipping in a few times, each time further in than the last until he’s to the knuckle. Holding his finger there, he starts to fuck me again. I feel his dick stretching my cunt and his thumb testing my asshole. “You’re doing so well, baby. We have to get you a plug for this tight ass, keep it ready for me all the time. Fuck I can’t wait to fuck your ass…fucking cum in it and plug you so you keep it all day long. You like that idea, Princess?”

“Yes, Daddy. Want your cum in all my holes.” At this point, my legs have begun to shake again telling me my next orgasm is close.

“Such a good little cumslut you are. You look so good, so full of me right now. Sweet little cunt is full of cock and tight little ass is stuffed. Is Princess gonna cum on Daddy’s cock?” His breathing is labored and his thrusts are getting sloppy.

“Cum with me Daddy. Fill me up!” I push back on his dick so he goes even deeper and I can feel him kissing my cervix with the tip of his dick. “Right there, right there, right there!” With one hand on my clit, I feel the rush of my orgasm as it floods over my fingers.

“That’s it, Princess. Fuck, it’s so…fucking hot…when you…squirt!” His words stutter as he chases his own release and fills me with a load so warm and plentiful that it leaks out past his dick and soaks the couch. Thank goodness this thing is so easy to clean. Between my pussy juices and his jizz, we have got a mess on our hands.

He pulls his finger out of my ass, then pulls his dick out and watches for a beat as his cum dribbles out. I know that’s his favorite part. He disappears into the kitchen and I hear the faucet turn on as he washes his hands. He comes back with one of his dish towels in his hand.

“You’re gonna get a boner every time you use that from now on.” I manage to squeak out before the warm towel touches my sensitive holes.

“Wouldn’t that be a shame?” He lays a quick smack on my ass before wiping the couch down as well. He lifts me off the couch and holds me bridal style, walking to the bedroom. “I don’t feel like showering right now, but you are more than welcome to.” He sets me down on my feet, kissing the top of my head.

We lay in bed for a while, not caring about his cum leaking out of me onto the sheets. We lazily kiss and hold each other and it’s nice. 

“So we had our first fight…and it actually ended in makeup sex.” I kiss the corner of his mouth as he smiles.

“Let’s not make that a habit, though, Princess.”

“Well, I mean, maybe if you didn’t keep a secret then I wouldn’t have had to–”

“Princess?”

“Yes?”

“Is Daddy forgiven?” His tongue snakes out over his bottom lip and I know he did that to seduce me.

“I forgive you, Daddy,” He kisses my forehead. “And I love you, Daddy,” He kisses my nose. “And Daddy loves me too.” He smiles as he kisses my lips, reserved at first until I feel his tongue begging for entrance. Opening my mouth, I let him take the lead as he massages my tongue with his. 

His hand glides from my cheek down my neck to my arm, finally landing under my knee to pull my leg up and open. As he slides in between my legs, I reach up and tangle my fingers in his messy and sweaty head of curls. 

I don’t even care that he is trying to shut me up by kissing me. He’s so fucking good at it! 

He reaches down to free his already half-hard dick and he teases it on my clit before using our combined juices as lube, entering me again hard and fast. When I break the kiss to try and catch my breath, he takes that as a sign.

Sitting up on his knees, he opens my legs wider than I’ve ever had them and proceeds to make me forget all about that silly fight. 

Wait…what fight?

“Such a good girl taking Daddy’s cock so well. Just need you to cum once for me, Princess. Then Daddy’s gonna fill you up.” The sounds my pussy makes while he pounds into me mixed with the visual of watching his dick slide in and out of me has me quaking in minutes. “That’s it, baby. Just like that. Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” 

I feel his dick pulsating and twitching inside me and I catch him as he collapses on top of me. Any other time, I’m sure this weight would be uncomfortable. But, right now? All I can feel is a fucked out man who can’t get enough of me.

I wrap my arms and legs around him as he focuses on his breathing.

“Fuck, baby. I must be crushing you. Let me–”

“One more minute, please?”

“Hmmm.” He settles back in and starts to kiss up and down my neck.

“Okay, if you start doing that, we are gonna spend the whole damn weekend in this bed and we have plans, remember?” He keeps kissing and nipping at my spot and just like magic, I can feel myself forgetting all about…

…what was I saying?

Chapter 11

A/N1: The title of this chapter is taken from Vain by KIRBY. It is such a good song, give it a listen! 

A/N2: Did you like my special guest? Lloyd Hansen, everybody!! 

**Tag List**

@brattymum96 @ambinxe @avengersfan25 @kebabgirl67

@enchantedbytomandhenry @astheskycries @rebelangel1102

@deandoesthingstome @liveoncoffeeandflowersss @foxyjwls007 @rosiesluv7 @livisss @slut4henrycavilll

Let me know if you wanna be added (or removed) 😁

[depoteka]

last week @nxposure tagged me in two different tag games and now i have some time to answer! thank you, dear!

first game: 15 questions

Are you named after anyone? no, i'm not. my parents just liked the name. but allegedly for a short while they considered naming me after a song by a band they love and i dislike. i thank god everyday that in the end they decided to name me weronika instead

When was the last time you cried? this month? or last month? i don't remember

Do you have kids? i don't but i want to in the future

What sports do you play/ have you played? only PE classes at school. would love to start doing some yoga at home tho because i don't move much other than evening walks from time to time

Do you use sarcasm? i suppose. i don't pay attention to that

What is the first thing you notice about people? hard to say, i'd say general vibe. having some sort of social anxiety and experiences with bullying makes you decide pretty fast if the other person is nice to you or if they make you uncomfortable

What's your eye color? dark green. sort of blueish

Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings. i avoid horror movies at all cost (with some exceptions)

Any talents? uh i guess crocheting! not an expert on it and cannot make my own patterns but it makes me and some other people happy

Where were you born? poland, in a shitty hospital in a different town so i don't even have my hometown on my birth certificate

What are your hobbies? as tumblr puts it "media consumption" (watching movies and listening to music) but also crocheting like i said previously

Do you have any pets? a black cat! she lives with my parents so i don't see her that often now

How tall are you? 162cm which is 5 feet 6 inches i believe. i've had to convert inches to centimeters in so many crochet patterns and i still don't remember how much an inch is

Favorite subject in school? english because it was the easiest class for me. i also liked history and geography

Dream job? translating movies but they don't give me a deadline and i can just make the most perfect translation. or i could do voiceover for nature documentaries. an impossible job is an old hollywood movie star or a rockstar in the 70s

and now the second game!! 5 songs i like. i think i will just list things i've been listening to lately

i went thru sleater-kinney's discography again after the release of their new album because well, i didn't like the new album. so i'll stick to their older ones

spotify reminded me about this song by putting it on my discover weekly playlist and i'm just looping it constantly

peter!!! i love this song, the ending especially (and also the reworked version of this from birdy soundtrack)

finally watched shaft the other day and i love this instrumental

haven't heard this song in years but now i'm listening to it a lot like it's 2008 again

[katbrando]

for my jjba self-shipping server's first collaborative mixtape, we decided to go with a double theme! side A consists of members' song choices for a first dance with their f/o, while side B flips the switch and includes tracks for spicier occasions. the resulting 18-song playlist is linked below, and you can find members' thoughts on their selections under the cut! thank you to those who participated, i always have a blast making these with y'all 🤎

🎧 spotify playlist link

💿 full tracklist (and gushing) ⬇️

1. "Just What I Needed" by The Cars ∾ Eileen & Jotaro (@dogsofardour)

"Jotaro would choose “Just What I Needed” by The Cars. It’s an accurate reflection of how he first felt in Eileen’s presence. It’s a little abrasive but the song is all tender underneath the bravado. It’s not a very typically romantic song, but oh! It fits, and what a lovely sensation of exhilaration."

2. "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain ∾ Anika & Jotaro (@anikasenkujo)

"Jotaro and Anika have a unique road to their wedding. First, he proposes to her in Morioh, in front of people he considers close with a family heirloom ring that Holy handed to him. Then, after tons of arguments and after almost not being married, they have Hindu pre-wedding festivities and a Christian wedding. So their first dance, is a reminder to themselves of the journey that they’ve undergone as a couple. From traveling to Cairo, to them being separated by circumstances and misunderstandings, to Anika losing her memories during this time, to broken previous relationships and to them being reunited. All of the moments they’ve had, led to the moment that they’re having right now. Their first dance is symbolic of how far they’ve come despite people saying that they’ll never be together. It’s symbolic of the fact that true love always hopes, perseveres and trusts."

3. "This Must be the Place" by Sure Sure ∾ Julie & Risotto (@reclusiverisottonero)

""I'm just an animal looking for a home"--Risotto didn't have much of a place to call a home or many people he could reliably think of as family. He didn't think he even needed such things as an assassin but didn't realize he'd unconsciously been seeking it out until he meets me, and suddenly something clicks and he goes, "Oh". 'Home' as a concept is the people you choose to surround yourself with, and little by little we opened up the doors to our hearts to let one another inside to permanently settle in. It makes this song a no-brainer for our first dance as a married couple."

4. "The Book of Love" by Peter Gabriel ∾ Rydia & Dio (@hammerofspace)

"I've got this headcanon that Dio is very slow to actually discuss soft feelings and that when he does open up about them it's a whole to do. The song focuses a lot on not knowing about love and it's intricacies but that the moments of togetherness build it into something more despite the unknown. More than anything, I'm also convinced this man would try to find a book for all things he's unsure of and would absolutely follow a book of love like it was his personal handbook if there was one discussing all the possibilities of love."

5. "Like Real People Do" by Hozier ∾ Kat and Diego (@katbrando)

"Besides this track being just short enough for me to ignore the anxiety that would come with dancing in front of people, the lyrics always give me goosebumps. The subtle changes in the chorus as the song progresses remind me of a relationship that's slowly shifting and growing, where two damaged people are learning to trust each other and open up. Having this moment after we've just been married would feel like a shared sigh of relief in knowing we've forever found someone who makes us feel safe and whole."

6. "As the World Falls Down" by David Bowie ∾ Isabella & Dio (@drakkar-noir)

"It’s kind of cheesy, but I love this song so much along with the scene it’s featured in in Labyrinth. It’d probably take some convincing to sway Dio into having this be our first dance, but he’d eventually relent because he actually likes David Bowie. It would be a very sweet and tender slow dance with lots of private whispers and smiles."

7. "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Dionne Warwick ∾ Lazarus & Dio (@phvntom-limbs)

"This is for a couple reasons. Firstly, this is a song that touches on the complete and utter devotion to that One person, loving someone so much you would do basically anything for them. And this cover in particular is a slower take on it, so it's perfect for a little romantic dance :3"

8. "Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey ∾ Avelino & Melone & Pesci (@cinnamonnbonnie)

"I've seen the many beauty's of the world, irresistible landscapes, colors of the winds, and felt in my heart and soul when nature spoke in its way. When the world gets old, we are able to see forms, shapes, and crystals that only the time can make it look beautiful. Diamonds get the most brilliant and graceful as time goes by, and humans decay and get turned into dust, buried and forgotten. That's the end of the line. Although we die, we will continue to shine like gold, endlessly shining even under the ground."

9. "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls ∾ Leo & Gyro (@leozeppeli)

"We didn’t have a first dance or anything, so Gyro played Iris in the car after we eloped because it was the cheesiest song he could think of without being too cliche."

1. "Passenger" by Deftones ∾ Leo & Gyro (@leozeppeli)

"…he then put on Passenger ten minutes later and promptly pulled over into a dark parking lot."

2. "Tessellate" by alt-J ∾ Kat & Diego (@katbrando)

"Most of alt-J's lyrics honestly baffle me, but there's something undeniably sexy about this song. It starts with "bite chunks out of me, you're a shark and i'm swimming" and based on the overall vibe, you can't tell me that doesn't have dirty implications. Additionally, "tessellate" basically means "to fit together closely"."

3. "Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters ∾ Eileen & Jotaro (@dogsofardour)

"The Pointer Sisters’ “Slow Hand” is a pretty good tone setter. It’s slow, sensual, and the lyrics demand the lover show more consideration and finesse than a quickie."

4. "Soulful" by L'Indécis ∾ Rydia & Dio (@hammerofspace)

"To keep with the honeymoon encompassing theme, there's no words in this song and I think that would be important. The time alone away from everyone is about savoring wordless moments and each other and the tempo fits the idea of taking things slowly and basking in them in my head. He's a hedonist and takes his time with all things pleasurable 👀"

5. "Eat Your Young" by Hozier ∾ Lila & Cioccolata (@cinnamonnbonnie)

"Seven ways that we can sin, seven ways that we can taste each other, seven reasons to start the fire, along seven craving desires that only the other can satisfy. We made the most beautiful sin, the honey dripping from our bodies is the most divine taste, the heat makes the edges burn, and we feel deep inside, craving for each other more, a war that only us can fight."

6. "Love Me Harder" by Ariana Grande & The Weeknd ∾ Anika & Jotaro (@anikasenkujo)

"After their wedding in Calcutta, Jotaro and Anika’s 8 day honeymoon in Goa, an Indian state full of beaches is something that’s filled with adventures of all kinds. There are many moments of lovemaking, and learning about one’s likes and dislikes in sex. Also, just because they reunited after 10 years, they couldn’t take this moment lightly, they got to love each other harder, with every moment filled with passion, and sheer commitment to each other. Because they’ve slept with different people before, this song is a reaffirmation of their love to each other but in a carnal manner."

7. "Freak" by Lana Del Rey ∾ Isabella & Dio (@drakkar-noir)

"Very fitting that this is from the “Honeymoon” album! I love this song SO MUCH though and the vibes it brings for the bedroom are immaculate. The song is supposed to be about convincing your partner to be a freak with you, but we all know there would be no convincing needed for either party in this case."

8. "Watcher" by Femme En Fourrure ∾ Julie & Risotto (@reclusiverisottonero)

"The exchange of power and control can be intensely intimate. Risotto's trust is something to be treasured, to not be taken for granted even for a moment. I enjoy the dark beats of this track contrasting with the lightheartedness of the first song, but primarily love how the bluntness of the lyrics still have this craving for your partner beneath the surface . Risotto and I want to consume each other so completely, so wholly that sometimes all grace needs to be discarded so we can just fuck."

9. "Closer" by In This Moment ∾ Lazarus & Dio (@phvntom-limbs)

"This song just straight up fucks. It's already musical sex but Maria Brink has a voice that's just WA it's so good. Such a sexy song. Like biblically sexy."

[childofthevault]

Sir Hammerlock + all the numbers. Sorry

oh my god

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I like him, hes not one of my top favorite Borderlands characters but he's fun and honestly I think one of the better written characters

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

that hes openly gay and hes old, you don't really get a lot of elder gay rep and it's cool to see

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

this is a personal thing but I don't like his british explorer thing somethings, especially when he starts calling people savages its incredibly minor but it bothers me a bit

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

okay so I've mentioned this with friends but, I want him to have a comic mini-series and sure I say this with Borderlands a lot but I think Hammerlock having a one-off mini series comic about him doing something would be cool

I think gbx and dark horse should invest in mini-series or one shots for the bl side characters like Hammerlock

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

I had to think on this since he isn't a character I listen to playlists for or make them for but after listening to my spotify for a bit Twin Soul- Rico Del Oro

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

complicated relationships with their family ig?

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

How everyone depicts his relationship with Wainwright, I am so happy that people don't ignore them being together and that they're both gay men its nice to see people love him so much and love the relationship he has

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

PEOPLE NOT REALIZING HE'S BLACK OH MY GOD ITS SO WERID HE IS SO VISIBLY NOT WHITE

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

yes :)

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

yes :D

11. Would you date this character?

no, im a lesbian and he is a gay man who is more than twice my age

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

he is the type of old guy to use emojis wrong, ie use 😂 for crying in a sad context

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

🐾he adds it if he's tracking something

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Dark Academia

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

HIM AND WAINWRIGHT THOSE TWO ARE MY GAY DADS

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Hammerlock x women ig?

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

I don't think I have one? I think I saw him shipped with Zane a few times but eh

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

him and wainwright have such a healthy relationship, and it's so well written like you get they're in love and why they love each other from the breif time they have togehter, I do like how in the dlc handled their relationship and how both of them felt like maybe they might not work out but realizing these anxieties are wrong we're great together

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

I wish his relationship with Aurelia got more time to devlope, in the pre-sequel Aurelia has death lines where she calls for him and says "I'm sorry Alistor." this leans more towards Aurelia but I wish they got a chance to really mend their relationship in bl3 but Aurelia was...written like that in bl3 which sucks

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Clay and or Zane

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

I do not write fics

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

I do not read a lot of fics :(

23. Favorite picture of this character?

he's happy :)

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

none come to mind but probably will after I post this haha

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

first impression: ah he's cool

current: thats my dad, he adopted me, I love you gay dad

[flowerslut]

6, 7, 22

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

i love this question because it’s so ominous yet incredibly vague. what scares me when writing? what frightens me about the work I actually produce? is there an inherent anxiety I should be experiencing about the idea of other people reading my work? who knows! what an absolute sandbox of a question. lemme give this one a go:

nothing really scares be about writing—I’m pretty good about not letting fear or anxiety influence my process. I think the closest thing I’ve experienced to feeling writing/story-related fear is the anxiety that I won't be able to adequately write about an experience that I can't personally relate to.

I made my mark on the Tumblr-sphere around 2010-2012 and only dove head first into tumblr fandom stuff after I already had a decent following. this means that I already was doing a weird mixture of careful self-censoring while also being extremely outspoken and annoying about Calling Things Out—you’ll recognize this as The Thing virtue-signaling BNFs do where they’ll try to cancel someone who enjoys fucked up ship dynamics or problematic characters while also acting like only they have the ability to write or commentate about subjects A, B, or C because they have the “necessary” lived experiences and obviously anyone who doesn’t fit inside the personal mold of the topics they’re writing could never properly write about these topics (re: sexual assault/racism/homophobia and transphobia/etc.)—so as someone who can relate to that mindset, there will always be a smidge of anxiety over how prominent that Type of reader has become. of course, people find a lot of worth in #ownvoices, but when it becomes expected that only people in marginalized groups write about or as that group... you can see how that gets... sketchy...

that's something I'm not going to unpack here since so many other people have talked about it so much better than I could ever, but it's that problematic mindset that inspires a little bit of unease as I start considering working on/developing ofic. so I guess I could say my darkest fear (although it doesn't feel dark; it's just me being hyperaware of the current state of affairs) is that any of my writing could lose its credibility or worth if I dared to write about a lived experience outside of my own. if that makes sense 🙇🏼‍♀️

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

I love to create!!!! I love the way it makes me feel! I love the writing process, start to finish, and I love looking back on works I've written and feeling a variety of fantastic emotion!!!! I've rarely written work I wouldn't seek out to read myself, and knowing that not only am I capable of creating work that I find worthy of reading, but that I do it with regularity is a really cool thing. when I'm sitting in my bed at 2am, trying to convince myself to close my laptop and go to sleep since I've been writing for 13 consecutive hours, I'm truly in my happiest place. not to MENTION how good it feels to be able to witness your progress as a writer as time passes; THAT is a wonderful feeling and brings my joy to a whole new level ♡

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

I’ve always been super organized when it comes to writing! when I was a teenager (since I didn’t have a laptop like I do now) I kept most of my fic in this trusty thing.

and I’ve shared posts about it before that really detail how organized I got with the fics I wrote in high school, and although I definitely don’t hand write fic anymore (I still can’t believe how many years I did that for—kids these days don’t understand etc etc yada yada) my organizational process is pretty similar, only now I use my iphone notes to throw my ideas/thoughts into and I use countless spotify playlists to keep my song inspo sorted!

most of my brainstorming happens in my iphone notes app, and once I have a solid base or idea I’ll usually take that outline to scrivener and start building from there. for example, here’s roots’ scrivener doc:

and why yes, it is taking up so much space on my computer, and yes, it is overdue for a backup to my hard drive 💀 but yes, tldr; I use iphone notes and scrivener, almost exclusively!

weird questions for writers!