#urgh idk its difficult

[kameyyy]

chat since when do I have 3k words on my inumaki wip (first chapter too????) I thought I had like 1,5 or 2k max wtf

[salty-an-disco]

Hunted for the ask game?

ask game link

• First impression

I saw him first on the Razor chapter. There was a lot going on there, so I didn't have many thoughts besides, "Oh! Another guy! 'Hunted', huh? Wonder what kinda chapter he's from–"

• Impression now

Such a good little critter. I just love how understated its kindness and understanding personality is, and yet still so so effective. The kinda person that can connect to and help out anyone if it has the energy for it. But can also become a source of tiredness as all that emotional awareness can be a lot. High-empathy autist <3

• Favorite moment

Gotta be the Eye of the Needle fight. It's just– it's great. Seeing Hunted so confident and sure of your own victory was sooooo satisfying after seein' how fearful and anxious it was in Beast. And Ada finding satisfaction in your more tricky play and learning something new is just– URGH. So good.

• Idea for a story

There's the Hunted-Primrose focused arc I wanna do for Heathens, ofc. But for something different– I kinda wanna write a story about human Hunted struggling with body dysmorphia and feeling like it's not supposed to be human– maybe I'll do smth like this for Echomirror.

• Unpopular opnion

Honestly? I'm not really into portrayals of Hunted becoming/acting more like a predator (all the power to the people who likes it tho, you do you)– idk, it's just not as interesting to me as seeing a little guy overcome adversity despite the odds. Also don't see Hunted being as intense as some portrayals made it out to be. It's very understated and generally a calm/quiet person, and I like leaning into that while still making it a Cryptid.

• Favorite relationship

Writing Heathens made me really fond of Hunted and Primrose/Damsel's relationship. I just think they'd get each other really well. They're simple people, with simple goals/wants, who just want to livr a happy/peaceful life. And the idea of Hunted helping someone who isn't very naturally apt for fight how to survive is just very dear to me.

• Favorite headcanon

Hunted having a speech impediment– being either semi-verbal or selective mute. Especially in a post-construct scenario where it now has to use its own throat to talk. It's Way Too Difficult at times, and it often prefers non-verbal communication.

[juni-ravenhall]

how i wouldve rewritten the sso intro quests (off the top of my head in like 10 min and im not a professional writer just a hobby gamedev)

they can 100% keep the ferry cutscene it was cute

we are welcomed to the camp by justin and told that this is the moorland stables and his dad owns it, he hopes you'll enjoy your time. now lets walk over the bridge from moorland->camp to show you your cabin and meet maya.

near the cabins, maya is holding the starter horse (by the reins like when we lead) and talking to lisa (and maybe alex) when we arrive. we say hi, she tells us this is your lesson horse for now and she already got it ready, commenting on that it can be a bit difficult but nothing major, just nobody has really clicked with it yet (similar what she says in new intro).

there is a moment of a cutscene between the horse and mc, showing that we feel some kind of bond or intrigue as a soul rider, mc has a dialogue/thought like "i feel like this horse is looking at me almost like a human" or idk something.

lisa says hi and something similar as new intro - that shes there to get used to horses again after her trauma and taking it slowly.

justin says he has to go help another camper, bye. maya says, lets go to the paddock and you can try getting on the horse, we're going to have a lesson with everyone soon but there's some time until then.

maya helps us get up on the horse in the paddock, while lisa is leaning on the fence, watching.

we learn the controls how to move, the same basic of the new intro.

maya asks how we are feeling, and that it looks like we have a good handle on this horse already, like we are a good fit.

The dramatic cutscene i need: the camera cuts from us sitting on the horse to some kind of magic or fripp related thing right next to the paddock - it could be the fripp ghost, it could be something else. (something nobody else can see.) our horse spooks at the mysterious thing and we fall off!

mc goes "urgh, ow, ow!" and we're laying on the ground, holding our leg/arm/whatever. but the camera showed that lisa (with a worried face) very quickly ran over as we fell and now bends down next to us, while maya is catching the horse.

the camera shows a close up shot of some strange little light around lisas hand as she touches our hurt bodypart. mc then quickly starts relaxing from the pained face. lisa asks if we're okay, and mc is like "yeah, that hurt, but... i guess its not that bad, its not really hurting now...?"

as that scene happened, our starter horse came back towards us, and it lowers its head to sort of nuzzle us as we sit on the ground with lisa, as if to say "sorry, you okay?" (this is to help show the horse isn't scary and didnt mean to throw us off.)

mc cautiously pets the horse's head, there's a moment of animation between caution to then relaxing and accepting the horse's apparent apology.

maya is back in the shot, asks if we're okay, and we nod, lisa says "it seems they're fine". maya or lisa offers their hand to get us up.

maya says the best thing is to get right back up in the saddle, if we really aren't hurt and feel okay. lisa looks hesitant and says we dont have to get back up right now if we dont want to, because that was scary and its okay to be scared, but she agrees maya is right about not letting the fear take over too. maya might say "sorry, i didnt mean to be insensitive, i know you went through a lot lisa" and lisa is like "its alright, dont worry".

mc says we're getting back on, so we do and we have some other little practice, like the full stop.

justin comes back after that, and says we're ready to have the lesson now. now there are some bobcats around (not just random anonymous npcs nobody cares about) and some npcs that look more similar to mc aka camp participants.

here the lesson (implied to be happening with other camp participants, whether they can be shown in the paddock or only outside it) could be a small test where the player has to follow the lines at the correct gait, since this would come back with dressage later in the game (assuming it will be added properly) and the "follow the line" in some other gameplay (druid training, foal training on south hoof, etc)

after that we learn how to jump with a very small jump, and lisa on the side is like "you can do it!", after the jump there's a small cutscene of mc patting the horse and the horse looking happy (bonding moment). maybe here there could be some extra drama, show the player someone watching from the shadows, or a DC drone, ...or not if thats too much.

now maya and justin introduce that we're going to do a small simple race, here more or less same as in new intro. lisa says we inspired her with our braveness and she gets on starshine and joins the race (we can see her riding it ahead of us).

at the end of the race lisa is happy and we're all having fun. (here's another chance to add in a menacing person/drone watching from the shadows, if not before this, but again, maybe thats too much.)

justin now helps us get off the horse (still on the new island thingy, not at moorland stables) and we move over to the stalls and learn how to groom and feed our horse there. here we also learn how to buy horse feed and fill the bucket.

after this, it would be okay to introduce linda, reading as she is in the new intro. (lisa could ask what shes reading and linda says "100k knights of unistria vampire AU" and lisa says "oh, you printed out fanfics again, i shouldve guessed...")

but when linda says the "we've met before" thing, give mc an option to answer - "i also feel like we met before, but where?" or "im not sure...", small changes to this dialogue to make it better and more immersive for the player.

from here you could either jump to the dream sequence in a similar way its done now, but maybe show vaguely the other soul riders in the dream *while we havent met them yet*. i do think the dream could also be improved - show us 4 ghostly horses instead of 2 to represent the soul riders horses, and do some of the camera work differently for other parts.

the next day, we leave our cabin and maya is outside, there's a cutscene to force us to start the quest. she says "oh, you're up early" - "yeah, i had a nightmare" - "aw that sucks. sorry to ask, but since you're up, would you mind helping me out a bit?" - we start a quest to go to fort pinta to pick up stuff for the camp, and to meet alex and james there. maybe lisa or linda is up early too and offers to join.

honestly i dont have energy to write anymore bc i dont get paid but you get the idea. alex (and james) get introduced here on day 2 during this errand quest to fp (which might Go Wrong in some way for drama, bc we need drama), maybe jasper can still be introduced here just being grumpy and starting some of the lore for justin, without fully stopping us from going. something else shady could happen with GED, kembell, a slight rewrite of the old intro, allowing linda or lisa or justin or maya to talk to us about GED as it happens (maya certainly has reason to). anne could be introduced later at the end of day 2, and here we could go into the campfire and lisa's singing and shit. (or you could build it up for another day, so we feel even more bonded with the charas first!)

[b00kwyrm7]

In lieu of an Ao3 comment

(since I don't have an account yet hhhhh) I'm doing a tumblr review of an incomplete fic from a series I adore very much! Why? Partly in honour of the fact that the adrenaline rush I got when I saw the update was so intense it shocked me into staying awake and attentive through my entire chemistry class 🙏🙏 also this has become my comfort series lately. It was so difficult to keep a straight face, the angst-lover in me was so gleeful.

Now, onward!

Fandom: FFXIV, spoilers for Shadowbringers

Authors: the amazing @azems-familiar and @sunderedazem

HE CUT HIMSELF OFF FROM THE LIFESTREAM?? Emet-Selch were you just planning to float in the Rift forever-

Hhh after everything he still trusts the Exarch and the Warriors TOT

:OOOOO Elidibus!!

Literally had to put a screenshot cause. I love this so much. Sliding this scene into the bookshelf in my soul. No words only cry. There's just something about Elidibus being so gentle, and his last traces of memory.

Of course he regrets ascending Fandaniel because of his opinions on THEATRE you fussy old man. This made me giggle though

URGH FANDANIEL WHY

Oh...the first place he thinks of to get help from is the tower...without even thinking... TOT

(remembers AN at the start saying this takes place after 5.3) (reads Emet-Selch going up the stairs) OH. OHHH. YESS

This scene is just. So well-written. I almost started kicking my legs with delight in class. *slots this scene into my bookshelf*

The way he's slowly dying but his grief just numbs out everything else until it's sundown before he begins to move again

A KISS!! A PROMISE!! WAUGH

A walk in the rain with a stab wound this poor man

Elidibus had the right idea (let👏him👏rest) but sadly plot needs must be fueled

;-;

Chapter 2!!

(and in comes the authors with the steel chair) TATTOO!!! YES!!!

Omg Corrain knows about Emet-Selch's Darkness-aligned aether 👀 it's so cool how he's modifying his healing magic for it

I suspect Emet-Selch is barely processing what he's seeing at this point (understandably)

TOT G'raha supports him and he just lets go (he's safe, he's among his trusted, his loves ;-;)

Just the way small intimacies are written in this series just makes me want to incorporate it into my own style so badly

Also Alphinaud and Alisaie being here in the background is such a nice touch

Lelesu is such a steady rock in this storm 🙏🙏🙏 so quick on the uptake too

The image of G'raha crying quietly next to the two ppl he loves once everything is settled is so bittersweet

Lelesuuuu

Hmm G'raha in-game is an all-rounder, but in this AU once his connection to the Tower has been broken, what magics can he do now? Seems like healing is not in the repertoire anymore

PROMISE!!!

The tea. The freaking plays from Voeburt *puts head in hands* HHHHHHHHHH

'delicate art of Ascian wrangling' well said well said

Before this series I never read a fic with two WoLs, but because Corrain and Lelesu have been written so well I actually think it's so much more fitting. Just the way their dynamic works and how it affects their relationship between themselves, with the ✨horrors✨ and with the rest of the Scions? I know FFXIV has the WoL be so solitary (even with the Scions) but just the thought of someone else who truly knows what you've been through on an equal level is so comforting tbh

If you've gotten to the end of this thanks so much holy crap. Idk if I'll do many more of these but if you're a fellow player 🫵 pls read the fic!! And the series!! Its all so wonderful I can't say enough about it XD

[celibibratty]

This movie is funny cuz at the first time that you watched you get angry/makes you feel betrayed, me and marina first watched on 2017, and i remember that we got soooo mad(i mean it, was very very mad, it's rare ocassions that I/we got this mad)💢🔥(and to make worse mom out nowhere appears and was trying sugartalk the situation of the movie, trying to justify to us, LET US BE MAD ABOUT IT, geez), but watching again 7 years later(yeah, since then we never rewatched It)i/we didn't get mad at all, it was funny, but marina saw some people reviews, and she said that people seem to also got mad too(at least we from the past weren't the only ones😒), cuz okay the dude loved the other girl😒(i personally found hilarous how much those two take a childhood relationship so serious, japanese people and their logics), it's seems as if is a common thing of this movie, you will feel betrayed/angry(i don't care cuz it's right!, the bald dude it's better)

We were exactly like this girl, i felt i couldn't talk, my tummy used to hurt so so much(so much that at that time we used to take a stomach ache med everyday before going to School...and nowadays i don't take it anymore), my voice used to gets trembling when i talked in social situations, people referred to us as "mute" cuz i/we said any word, the scene when the girl talks for the first time in class and the whole class get impressed(saying things like "is that (...) Voice?is the first time i see her talking", "i thought she didn't know how to talk", ugh, it was exactly like this, i hate it💦, are innocent reactions/comments, but it feels so humilating

The way the mother treats the girl, ugh, it hits me/us too, is this thing of passively saying that "you're weird and stop with that"(the person can't control It, it's a process, i hate it, you get traumatized by people and then people expect you to act normal towards others as if it was nothing, it's inside of us, it's difficult), i find insteresting of our case is that we used to care so less to our parents saying this/they orders, that they even stop it saying it/trying("look at people eyes", "talk normal", never tried to do any of their orders), the part of the car, the mother thanking the school as if the girl didn't was capable of find/keep connections because she worked hard to socialize, cuz "she is weird, nobody would want to stick with/be friends with her, she is not capable of find friends", it's only School and the others to be praised, not the girl cuz in the mother's vision the girl has no courage, has something about this scene that it was so...urgh...

There's something so interesting and messed up about the fact that the girl believed that what would cure her "curse" would be love, but what really made her"curse" break was having her heart-broken/get into a very stressful situation, it was her limit, she had a big attack, that caused the egg to break/explode(the egg to me is her heart, it breaked a little in previous scenes, she was getting comfortable, as if was her heart opening up little by little, but in this moment, it breaks of hurt, it's rush It, and what has inside is not a empty/clean "egg", it's spills blood as if was opened bruttaly)i wish i could explain better💦

I still wonder what supposed to be the scrambled eggs? I think its mixed emotions, numbness, forget everything, mess everything up

This...scene...hurts 💧

this is more mine interpretation, cuz idk if this is the message that the movie wants to deliver🙄, but i find funny that the girl always likes to point that hurt words are bad and that you shouldn't say them cuz they hurt other people and you can't take it them back(which it's true), but was only when she said the hurt words that she got the strengh to go to the play, showing that express those words are also important(i wish the girl roasted her mother and her father💢, those two deserved those words indeed, but her mother and her father are literally the reason for her feeling/became like this💢, she deserved to express her anger towards them(even if her mom works hard to give her a good life)

I find interesting cuz this movie handles this trauma effect kinda well😒(i don't like those talk, but the movie is kinda about that so), cuz i think in the end the girl has no problem with talking!, I think her tummy doesn't hurt anymore!, i think she won't talk in texts anymore cuz now after that(the egg broke)she has no problem with talking anymore!, but even with that she will not be talktive/be like her kid self, she will never be the same again, it's not like in a "fairy-tale" everything super works out/end beautifully(even interesting and sad to say that cuz the girl was obsessed with fairy-tales), I find interesting that in the end we don't see the girl interacting with the boy and the other girl, personally i think after that she won't be friends with them anymore, it was gonna be just a memory of a cool thing that all of them made it together, but will stay in there, I think they'll be collegues,(but not as close as before), her relationship with her mother, i don't think will get super good/better after that, still gonna be distant, the thing that the mother now realises how much her actions affected her daughter and maybe she can try to be more pacient, but still nothing that shows in the end, in the end the curse broke, but the consequences of it still exist(pretty much like in a superation of a traumatic situation, you got over it now, but the way they affected you molded you, you can't be the same again, i mean you can be, but tbh I believe you will never be 100% like you used to be, but if is the case, it's a process)

[onlyswan]

Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.

Mind if I rant here?

I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.

Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.

Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂

Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?

(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)

And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?

I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.

Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂

Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D

-Lyf

hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬

i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺

dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(

hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭

and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

Part 1 of ?????

Started writing this fic a while ago and then lost faith in it. Should I continue? Feel bad for not posting much lately so I thought I'd share this. Read on and weigh in.

COME OUT TONIGHT

NO

You don't have to fucking shout?

Said the pot to the kettle?

Oh you grandmother The caps were an accidental by-product of voice-to-text Blame Siri if you're going to blame anyone

You have a Samsung Galaxy S20.

HAD. It got smashed. Worst luck. Listen, come out with me tonight.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm tired!

https://www.boots.com/wellness/vitaminsandsupplements/vitamins-supplements-shop-by-ingredient/echinacea

Hah (indifferent)

Just come out with me! Isaac has to go see some godawful student performance of the Antigone in wherever the fuck Chichester is and it's Sirius's flatmate's birthday party so I have to go and I don't know any of his weird mates

You don't HAVE to go.

Have to/want to Semantics

I'm not in a birthday party mood. I'm having a stressful week. My arse has been tense since Tuesday.

I will wade into the deep and massage your arse if I have to, just come It's a swank pad in Belgravia! I bet they'll have all sorts of expensive nibbles!

I read that as expensive nipples.

Those too!

Partying it up with the children of wealthy Tories. Sounds super fun.

Just come out with me, for fuck I'll pick you up at 7 and we can steal their silverware if it's boring as the grave

URGH I'll go but I'm NOT dressing up!

You don't have to dress up!

FINE!

*

take the drawings down please i'm begging you i'm actually begging you

Nah mate

siriusssssssss pleeeeeease

Nah

PLEASE

Nah

PLEASE ffs it's MY birthday!!!! there are going to be PEOPLE there! standing around! AT EYE LEVEL

I don't see what the problem is.

EVERYONE will see what the problem is! they literally will not be able to IGNORE what the problem is!

Sounds like a recipe for lively discussion to me tbh

that is NOT what i want people talking about at my birthday!

If I take them down, I'll have to take all the nails out and that'll leave nail marks all over the walls. It would be unsightly.

MORE UNSIGHTLY THAN YOUR DICK, SIRIUS?

My dick is bewitching.

DIE

*

She walks in expecting to find herself the infiltrator of a Made in Chelsea/Royal Ascot/Henley Regatta netherworld, filled with a gaggle of giggling, SW-postcode socialites wielding suspiciously powder-edged Harrods Amex cards in the place of horses and boats, but that's not what actually greets her on the other side of the lacquered front door.

What greets her is really quite ordinary.

Aside from the naked drawings of Kingsley's mate, which aren't.

Otherwise, the whole affair is pretty relaxed. People her age are clustered in their small groups, swigging beers. There's a table of oven-heated party foods, salty snacks and rapidly depleting ramekins of guac. She spies more band shirts than there are dress shirts. There's a round of Fortnite in full swing on the TV.

It's all just...startlingly normal. A normal birthday party.

And that's sort of embarrassing, really.

Where are all the visible Tory toffs, she wonders? Where is the braying laughter? The Eton alumni reunion? The glimpse of hunting-happy tweed and shotgun barrels as a coat cupboard door swings shut? Where's the indelible air of sneering superiority, of "we're richer and more privileged and better than you, so fuck the NHS and death to foxes!" that she'd been expecting? There's a fucking Henry Hoover in the corner of the hall, for Christ's sake. Lily came here to smile through her teeth at them all, to listen to the champagne problems privilege that bubbled from their lips and tell herself that she was the one who knew better, who thought better. Her plain white tee and skinny jeans and scuff-toed, high-top trainers were supposed to be a statement, a subtle setting-apart, but she's not even the most underdressed person in the room.

She pre-judged a house full of people. What's that about?

There's a lesson to be found in this. Perhaps.

*

James covered all of the dicks in Paw Patrol stickers that he bought from the newsagent on his way home from his mum's, but Sirius peeled them all off while he was taking a soothing lavender bath, so what's the bloody point in birthdays anyway?

It's early in the evening, and he's wedged—against his will—between the dining room bar and Shane Ruttle, who has just pointed at one of the many lamentable dicks and asked, "Is this one of yours?" which James kind of wants to thump him for. It's bad enough that he looks like a madman who stuffed his house with naked drawings of his brother, now people are actually assuming that he drew the damn things, even though most of the compositions are appallingly far beneath his skill level. He's a professional illustrator, for the love of god, and Shane is really standing before him like the posturing prick he is, asking him if he's the one who drew Sirius with one arm disproportionately longer than the other.

He knows that he should cheer up.

It is his birthday. There is cake.

Good cake, too, not the kind that gets buried in too-thick fondant that he has to pick off before he can eat what's underneath.

The problem is, there's also a party, and his friends are his friends, Peter and Sirius included, and Peter and Sirius can both get drunk much faster than James can. When Peter and Sirius get drunk, serious injuries tend to follow, Remus tends to fuck off in a flash and James tends to be the one who calls for an ambulance or mothers them back to health—physical, mental or otherwise. He has just turned twenty-six, and these repeated, drunkenly dramatic medical emergency scenes are starting to wear a little thin.

Can't a man get comfortably drunk and have a laugh at his own birthday party?

No, he can't, because Peter's already halfway to trashed, wobbling unsteadily towards the French doors that lead to the terrace, wearing that look on his face that says I'm definitely going to vomit or maybe even shit myself like I did on that one night we all spent in Munich with the Belgian handball team and the creepy tour guide who couldn't keep his sleazy hands to himself. For the sake of sparing the lawn such a punishment, James hastily removes himself from Shane, grabs Peter by the collar, shoves him in the direction of the downstairs loo and retreats to the safety of the living room, where there are, at least, no naked drawings of Sirius gracing the walls.

Most of the people in here are transfixed by Saffy Stephens, who is down to the last three in her Fortnite game and cursing like a sailor, but there are a small pile of birthday cards on the end table where James and Sirius normally keep their keys. He perches on the sofa arm, sets his half-drunk beer bottle on the carpet, pushes his dark, disheveled hair away from his forehead and begins leafing through them. It's a necessity when one lives with Sirius, who thinks nothing of swiping gift cards when the mood strikes him and he's had enough to drink.

They're mostly from his female friends, and all pretty standard, until he reaches the middle of the pile and finds a card bearing a picture of a moustached tabby and the caption: Have a Purr-fect Birthday!

The inscription inside is written in a lovely, swirling hand.

To Jasper/Jack/Jason/maybe Ja Rule?/J-something idk

(see above: everything I've learned about you from the friend* I came here with, verbatim)

(*who can't remember your name)

Happy Birthday! Thank you for (not) specifically inviting me, a stranger, to your party to celebrate this momentous event in your life. Please enjoy this festive card/social nicety/convention from me to you. My friend brought rum which you may prefer.

I'll be around. Not that you'll know.

LE

James lowers the card and twists on the sofa arm at once, eyes darting around the room in search of its author, as if they might be laying in wait to watch him read it and see how he reacts. Nobody appears to have ducked behind the couch, however, so the situation merits further scrutiny.

Obviously, he needs to meet this person.

A mystery! At his birthday party!

He perks right up after that.

*

She's coming out of the downstairs loo when a short, blonde man in a garish Hawaiian shirt barrels past her and pukes all over the chequerboard tiled floor, narrowly missing her jeans.

"Oh no," he moans into his wet hands. "Oh no—"

"There there, mate," says Lily consolingly, never one to judge somebody for getting drunk early at a party. She pats him on the back before squeezing past him and rejoining Kingsley, who is standing in one of this meandering Georgian house's many hallways, chatting to a bloke in a houndstooth sweater vest and holding two glasses of something very, very sparkly that she must try at once.

"It's like...it's like everything and nothing at the same time," Houndstooth Bloke is saying when Lily draws close, gesturing to a huge canvas painting of a rain-soaked fairground at night.

"Is it?" Kingsley asks.

"Mmm. Very." Houndstooth shakes his shoulders like he's slipping out of a robe. "Meant to be esoteric, I suppose."

That sounds suspiciously like pretentious bullshit to Lily, who doesn't find the concept of a merry looking fairground all that difficult to absorb. Kingsley knows more about the art world than she does, but he must agree with her assessment because he grunts and shoves her glass into her hand when she stops beside him, and more roughly than she deserves, as if she's the one who landed him in this mess of a conversation to begin with.

Trust him to find himself stuck with the only dick (not etched by a 4B Steadtler graphite pencil) in the building, and trust her to be stuck with the person who got himself stuck with King.

"What are we talking about?" she asks brightly, just to fuck with him.

"Drink your champagne, there's a good little hen," King mutters, his teeth clenched together, hallway lights bouncing off the smoothly waxed dome of his bald head.

"We've been discussing this piece." Houndstooth nods to the painting, but his limpid eyes narrow on Lily's face. "Christ, you're very redheaded, aren't you?"

It's decided. She'll wait 'til Houndstooth is drunk and trip him up with Henry Hoover's hose.

"Ergo soulless, yes," she agrees.

"And you...enjoy that?" he asks, as if being redheaded is her profession.

"Very much, thanks."

"Hmmp. Well. I came here with Saffron," he announces, pronouncing it Sef-ron. As if Lily is supposed to know who that is. "Platonically, of course. Actually, we're some sort of cousins, I think. What do you think the artist is trying to convey?"

He's very pointedly asking her, so Lily blinks at the painting, her eyes on the outstretched arm of a child on the carousel.

"I like the pretty colours," she decides aloud.

"Right," says Houndstooth, "but that's not—"

"And the lights, too. The lights are really pretty."

"But—"

"I love funfairs, actually," she brightly continues, finding a strange satisfaction in playing dumb in front of Houndstooth and his overbleached fade. Although she does really like the colours. "Haven't been to one in years!"

"Yes, good, whatever, but what is the artist trying to convey?"

"What artist?" comes a voice from behind them.

Lily glances over her shoulder and finds herself looking up at the man whose penis she's spent the past thirty minutes avoiding eye contact with, though he is taller, better proportioned and infinitely more beautiful than any of those crudely drawn depictions could possibly convey. He is also beplumed and bejewelled like a pirate, wearing a sumptuous velvet jacket over a loose white shirt, numerous rings on his fingers and an assortment of silver chains around his slender neck, while his grey eyes and elegantly high-set cheekbones are framed by a tumble of black hair that genuinely looks like silk.

The man is so beautiful, in fact, that Lily immediately wonders why he's been taking sketches home from the life drawing class that he and Kingsley pose for—hence their acquaintance and Lily's presence at this party—when nothing she's seen tonight has done him any justice.

Most happily, his penis is tucked safely out of sight.

"Alright, Sirius?" says King.

"Alright, Marvel?" Sirius claps a hand to the taller man's massive shoulder. Kingley's muscles bulge in a way that cannot be hidden by modern habiliments. "What are we talking about?"

"Not much." Houndstooth looks put out by the arrival of yet another person. "We were just mesmerised by this piece."

Lily refrains from gesturing to the painting with both hands and a "ta-dah!" choosing instead to sip her champagne.

It's very good champagne. Mmm. Yes.

"Oh, yeah, it's really something," Sirius agrees. He brushes past Kingsley and runs a finger over the illegible squiggle of a signature on the canvas. His nails are beautifully manicured. "Local guy, young up-and-comer. I assume you've heard of Algernon?" he asks Houndstooth, fixing him with a steely-eyed stare.

"Er, yes." Houndstooth's gaze slides from Sirius to the painting. "I know him."

Sirius's eyebrows lift. "Know him personally?"

"Well—"

"That's so weird, I heard he never speaks to people."

Houndstooth chews on the inside of his cheek, weighing up the challenge. "How…funny."

"Funny?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just, I know I've spoken to him before, and since you've bought his painting I assumed that you'd have—"

"That is funny, actually," Sirius interrupts, "because the artist is my brother, and Algernon is the name of his cat."

Kingsley has been tugging on his earring and almost rips it out of his ear as his body convulses, champagne spraying from his nostrils, while an alarming red flush sweeps across Houndstooth's face and he begins to sputter on his own self-importance. Sirius has clearly decided that he's done with all of that noise, however, because he turns back to Lily instead, looking her up and down with great and sudden interest.

"Who's this then?" he asks Kingsley, cocking his head to one side. "James's present?"

The champagne glass swings down and Lily fixes him with a deadpan stare. "Excuse me?"

Sirius slants a grin at Kingsley, a quick flash of teeth. "This one's queenly, isn't she?"

Kingsley wipes his nose with the back of his hand and laughs again. "Hardly."

"This is Primark, mate," Lily retorts, tugging on her t-shirt.

"Queenliness is a state of mind," says Sirius, "not a state of wardrobe."

"You had me marked down as a prostitute not ten seconds ago."

"Oh, that. I was only joking," he sighs, and grips her arm at the elbow, his long fingers cool against her skin. "But still, you're far too attractive to stand here talking to this clown. Come with me and I'll find you someone better."

*

James's friends are useless.

And drunk. Useless and drunk—or sort of drunk, in Saffy's case. Remus is certainly already pissed, but Remus is on meds so often that he drinks but once in a blue moon. One cocktail is usually enough to set him off, and he's been hard at the gin since he turned up with Peter at six.

"I don't know anyone with those initials," Saffy declares, once she has read, examined and even sniffed the birthday card for clues. "Except for Lisa Edelstein."

"Who's Lisa Edelstein?"

"Cuddy from House," says Remus, lowering the negroni from which he has been drinking deeply.

James pulls a face. "What the fuck is a Cuddy?"

"Oh, actually, it could mean le?" Remus suggests.

"Yes!" Saffy points at him like he might be onto something. "Like the French word for the?"

"Exactly, like—"

"It doesn't mean that!" James interrupts, unwilling to allow such profanity in his home. "That doesn't make sense, why would somebody sign their name as the?"

"Now you're asking me to explain how French people think?" says Saffy derisively, adjusting her bra strap beneath that burnt orange waistcoat she loves, the one that makes her look like she's directing a pornographic movie in the 70s when she pairs it with her tortoiseshell-framed aviators. It clashes wildly with her electric blue buzz-cut. "Am nooooo drunk enough for that."

"They could be one of those one word moniker pop stars, I suppose," Remus pipes up, smiling slyly. "You know, like Madonna?"

They think James doesn't realise that they're taking the piss out of him, but neither of them are sober enough to attempt their gambit with any kind of subtlety or grace.

"You know that's actually her real Christian name?" says Saffy.

Remus turns towards her with interest. "What, Madonna?"

"Yeah!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!" Saffy repeats. "I thought it couldn't possibly be her real name because, I mean, Madonna, yeah? But then I looked it up and apparently that's the name her mummy gave her, just goes to show—"

"I'm sorry," James interrupts, "but is Madonna relevant to this conversation?"

"Yes, always," says Saffy.

"She's an international pop megastar," Remus seconds.

James stares at his friend incredulously. "Drinking really chips away at your wit, y'know?"

"Does it?" Remus grins lazily and jiggles his cocktail in the air. "Oh, well, I'm negronly joking."

Saffy does a spit-take without the spit and clings helplessly to Remus's shoulder as she laughs, knees buckling, bangles tinkling, but James fights his own urge to start snickering.

"It's not that funny," he lies, and Remus eyes him with an alarmingly teacher-like shrewdness, despite the tellingly intoxicated flush that has crept into his thin, freckled face.

James's love of puns is tragically well known.

"You didn't get it." Remus points at his drink. His speech is starting to slur. "This is a negroni, what I said was—"

"Yeah, I got that part, I just—"

"Jesus fuck, look at her!" Saffy suddenly hisses, staggering sideways into Remus and sending him into the wall in a flurry of giggles—Remus giggling?—her voice hushed and urgent. "Who the hell is that?!"

James does look, following the direction of Saffy's gaze. Sirius has just entered the living room, casually clutching the elbow of a……

……goddess.

An actual. Like. Goddess.

A goddess. In James's house. In his living room. In the place where he eats his chocolate boulder cereal and rewatches Scrubs (even season 9, which is hilarious, and very unfairly disparaged by Joe Public) on Saturday mornings.

She's a goddess. A real one, and cleverly disguised as a mortal, sure, with her slouchy white t-shirt and her big hoop earrings and her light blue jeans that are torn at the knees, wearing her shoulder-length red hair half up, half down and slightly messy, but that doesn't hide what she is.

"Oh my god," he murmurs. His heart is pounding all of a sudden, which is so...utterly bloody stupid, but Saffy's right, bloody look at her, Jesus fuck.

"Surely she can't be with Sirius?" Saffy murmurs back.

"No, she—" He watches Sirius lean down to mutter something in the redhead's ear. A ghost of a laugh flits across her beautiful face. "She's not his—he isn't—"

"D'you think—"

"No, I—"

"Good," says Saffy firmly. She lets go of Remus and rises, lengthening her spine. It is a battle stance of some sort, presumably. "Because I saw her first."

"No!" James cries, wounded, and the redhead shoots him a curious look with a pair of eyes that are startlingly emerald green, even from all the bloody way over here. He spins to face Saffy and lowers his voice, face burning. "It's my house!"

"What are you arguing here, ownership rights?"

"No but it—it's my birthday!" James retorts, jabbing at his own chest. "And, actually, and—"

"It's in the bloody post!"

"—you didn't get me a present!" he finishes in triumph, not that he knows what he's arguing for, because the likelihood is that his tongue will glue itself to the roof of his mouth if he even dares to look in her direction one more time. "Plus I set you up with Vanya Petrich, with whom, as I recall, you enjoyed four years—"

"Stop throwing that in my face!"

"—four blissful years—"

"Is it my fault that you've never fancied any girl I've set you up with?!"

"—promised me an Easter ham for setting you up with her and I never got it—"

"So now you'll trade a woman for a ham?" Saffy accuses, though her face is too lit up, her brown eyes too crinkled at the corners—she's having fun with this and she isn't going to fool him and she knows it. "That's so low, even—"

"Don't start with that," James scathingly cuts in. "You offered me Sean Connery's autograph for Bonnie Grogan's number—"

"Which you never gave me!"

"Because you forged the bloody signature!"

"And now she's bloody married!"

"Yeah, well, Isabella wouldn't give me a counterfeit present, would she?" he retorts, and Saffy lets her shoulders drop, smirking. "This is pointless, Saf, we can't—"

"She's just left with Sirius," Remus informs them, and burps.

[elriell]

Im rereading acofas and idk if Im just emotional rn but the way feyre and rhys treat some of the characters made me cry. I dont like tamlin but at this point I pity him just leave him tf alone. Lucien is trying to respect elains choice and leave her alone and it obviously pains him but feyre keeps insulting him wtf I feel so bad. And right after she tells elain to give him a shot. Leave elain alone she does not want to respect that. And for nesta I think its self explanatory why I cried at that.

I am not going to lie to you, ACOFAS hits differently. I have had to come to terms with the new feysand as best as possible but urgh ACOFAS. URGHHHHH.

I don’t care for Tamlin tbh, but Nesta, I mean we all know how I feel about that. I have written about it time and time again, just heartbreaking. But I get on a level that she was difficult in herself, it isn’t excusing them but there was like, a reason? A invalid small one but still.

BUT LUCIEN. 

BAFFLED. Completely and totally appalled by the way she laughed and snickered at the band of exiles, while sitting in the court of dreamers lmao. I was re-reading scenes for my Elain post and I noticed scenes like

“That’s what we call ourselves. The Band of Exiles.”

“You have a name for yourselves.” I fought my incredulous tone.”

Excuse me.

“Not feeling very festive at all, I said sharply, “That you now feel more comfortable with humans than with the High Fae. If you ask me—”

“I’m not.”

“It seems like you’ve decided to fall in with two people without homes of their own as well.”

Lucien stared at me, long and hard. When he spoke, his voice was rough. “Happy Solstice to you, Feyre.”

WHY IS SHE SO CRUEL, also cackling at the “I’m not.”

“But I asked, “And what, exactly, does this Band of Exiles plan to do? Host events? Organize party-planning committees?”

Lucien’s metal eye clicked faintly and narrowed. “You can be as much of an asshole as that mate of yours, you know that?”

Agreed.

“I hadn’t asked Lucien any questions about that visit—to Tamlin.

Lucien hadn’t explained the black eye and cut lip, either. ”

This was earlier in the book, I feel like she knew how much he was dealing with and still found it funny, scoff-able. Idk just sits wrong.

[realautisticlightyagami]

characters!! michael distortion/shelley, sasha james, &/or “alice” daisy tonner 🥺?

oooh this is a long one!! Thank you for the ask <3 I'm gonna do all of them >:)!

Michael (Distortion)

Favourite thing about them: Probably it's laugh and views on identity!

Least favourite thing about them: ooh that's a hard one... Probably its manipulation tactic being more so pinned on paranoia. I think Helen had a better idea of how to manipulate the archives crew.

Favourite line: I'm gonna sound boring but you can't go past the "I am not a who, archivist, I am a what. A who requires a degree of identity I can't ever attain" slaps so hard!

brOTP: ooohhh, Sasha or Helen!

OTP: I really like gerrymichael, I am simply a Michael kinnie in love with Gerry Keay <3.

Random Headcannon: You know what happened in MAG74 with him sitting on a bench? Yeah, it loves going out and doing 'normal person' things and creeping random people out >:)!

Unpopular opinion: Urgh, I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion or not but it is aromantic and more than happy with a queerplatonic relationship. If the ask thing means like, canonically, then it wears very plain clothes when posing as a human. I love bright colours and pretty patterns as much as the next person but it clashes with the whole 'somethings wrong but I can't quite put my finger on it' thing.

A song I associate with them: I actually made a playlist! Linked here! One song, in particular, would have to be Entropy by AwkwardMarina (yes, the mlp fansong-)

Favourite picture of them: ahh, this is difficult. I'd have to say the one linked here!

Michael (Shelley)

Favourite thing about them: I have projected so much on him uhh let's go with his kind, trusting nature and persistence!

Least favourite thing about them: The timeline inconsistencies >:(!

Favourite line: there is uh,,, not a lot at all. Gonna have to go with the "[Nervous chuckles]" <3.

brOTP: hrrrmmmm Martin Blackwood <3. They make tea and talk about their s/o's together :)!

OTP: gerrymichael again. I love the whole 'opposite aesthetics' trope!

Random Headcannon: Ahhh I have to pick just one... His parents owned a small dairy and cows are one of his favourite animals!

Unpopular opinion: I know this isn't exactly 'unpopular' but he is NOT anybody's 'uwu small soft boy'! I get so mad when people see a polite, caring male character and take away all his personality and potential to replace it with "sowwy miss wobinson 🥺🥺🥺" and all that!

A song I associate with them: ah, hmm the first one that comes to mind is My Heart is Buried in Venice by Ricky Montgomery but that doesn't feel right...

Favourite picture of them: THIS ONE THIS ONE THIS ONE!!!!

Sasha James

Favourite thing about them: Just, "Martin doesn't have the best self-preservation skills-" ... *follows some creepy spiral monster to what she thinks will be a graveyard*

Least favourite thing about them: Oooh, arghhh, hmmmm, I can't really think of anything! She's a really nice character :)!

Favourite line: "Sorry, Tim! I can’t hear you over all this stapling." Iconic <3

brOTP: Martin, Georgie. Oh god just let them have had more time :'(

OTP: ok I'm a timsasha stan.

Random Headcannon: She's trans and so is Tim, they knew each other from childhood and made jokes about 'swapping' all the time.

Unpopular opinion: I don't have one I don't think?

A song I associate with them: I can't say I've put that much thought into it honestly. I should in the future!

Favourite picture of them: I love @dysaniadisorder 's Sasha, just,, all of them.

Alice "Daisy" Tonner

Favourite thing about them: Her voice.

Least favourite thing about them: I could go on forever but I'm gonna keep it short and say, idk, maybe the whole 'abusing her power as a police officer' deal?!!!?!

Favourite line: I like the metaphor here: "You don’t know what it’s like to have your secrets pulled out like teeth, just because he asked?"

brOTP: no one. She doesn't need or deserve friends.

OTP: daisira.

Random Headcannon: When she goes full hunt mode in s5 it's like a full werewolf transformation.

Unpopular opinion: This isn't really unpopular but I hate her guts.

A song I associate with them: Nothing in particular.

Favourite picture of them: the last added bit on this post!

phew! That was fun! Again, thank you for the ask!!

[hajimine]

actually my finals ended a couple days ago but then all of the sudden i had diarrhea i actually dk what exactly happened bc i didnt go to a doctor since covid went nuts in indo as u alr know so i just assumed from the symptoms. it was rlly bad prob bc my finals’ week was chaotic and i didnt eat properly so my digestive system was like 'bitc i give up' and boom i knocked out. but i hv completely recovered now! my mom doesnt allow me to eat spicy food for the meantime and its killing me bc im currently craving for one but imma listen to her for the sake of my strong and badass digestive system who managed to survive through two hell-like days 😩💖 ah and ab my finals.. honestly idk and i dont wanna know bc now that im finally free im obligated by myself to not think ab uni stuffs again lol plus ive been wanting to watch fruits basket final season and ive been holding myself not to watch it in between my uni life’s hustle soooo no more uni thoughts in mind and u should do that too now that its over bestie!! AND IM SORRY TO DISTURB U I HOPE UR HAVING THE HIGH QUALITY SLEEP U DESERVE <33 mwa mwa c u in the morning/noon/whenever u open this app again <33

— 🍓

OH NO that sounds horrible wtf 😿 exam szn is just so tough im glad youre feeling better now <3 omg having to stay away from spicy food as an indo must be horrible though TT i live and breathe boncabe and sambal you’re so strong for being able to restrain yourself kahdkabs URGH same tho i just,, im done w all that i dont wanna think abt it anymore but at the same time im so stressed bc i need to pass and uni is so much more difficult than hs im still not used to it 🥲 have fun binging your fave animes tho we deserve it !! i’ve been reading csm and it’s actually so good i’m obsessed w it rn but i might start fruits basket after i finish it i’ve been heating so many good things abt it <3 oh and good afternoon !! i hope you’ve alr eaten lunch bc it’s getting kinda late >:(

[evanescentdawn]

(25th august)

today’s writing:

—edited some of the itakugi week entries. like, nothing overly big but brushed stuff here and there. I probs should have done more editing, but like. I wasn’t feeling it.

—okay so i’ve been hella thinking about golden time and had a bunch of ideas that ive been wanting to write but havent gotten any of them down so today, i was like, GONNA GET THEM DOWN and predictably, ended with me having more ideas, and like... seven or so new wips. >~<

—I FINISHED ONE OF THEM. Okako is so fucking cute and im utterly gone on them. like. i had this enemies to lovers canon divergence idea and was writing that, but knew that it was gonna take hella long for me to finish so i started a drabble because i needed it.

—hahah, I started another okako wip, where kouko confesses, in blind of panic, because she sees that mitsuo is about to and IS NOT READY FOR oka’s unexpected reply that kinda sounds like she is in love with her. which. what. idk where I’m gonna go with this, but oh boy, it’s gonna be a mess. because of the whole banri-kouko thing still going on and I want to add, but It’s GONNA BE SO FUN. I’m conflicted between a ploy endgame or okako endgame though. AAAAA.

—hello, yes. it’s another okako wip. this time it’s au where oka is an art student, and Kouko catches her eye. She asks her if she could do a thing on her. it’s more in outlining stage, though. since. I don’t really.... know where to start with it. IM SO PUMPED FOR IT THOUGH. It might turn into amerio paradox au because im a slut for au, and I think it would be fun to have oka as kok, WAIT OH MY GOD SHE WOULD TOTALLY FIT IT SINCE SHE “steals” mitsuo. oh my god. I’m so in love with it and yes, have immediately starting writing for it. Well. I didn’t end up writing it as much as writing the outline. ITS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN IM SO EXCITED FOR IT

—for itakugi(+meg), day four! I had these bhna vigilant au idea, which I really want, but. there’s a lot of planning I need to do before I actually write it. so I’ve been thinking of just posting a brief outline... but.... uh... it’s a mess. I’m bad at articulating myself. I also this other idea where they “team up” against meg, and want that a lot but... urgh, I don’t want to write it up. but I really do like it. will definitely write these one day

—HAKU’s YUMEI SENT ME COMPLETELY BONKERS. I LOVE IT SO MUCH JUST AAAA. It made me want to disparately write something on them... but sob... I couldn’t just. do it. frustratingly. it’s because they are both characters that I find difficult to write for, HAVE NO IDEA ON WHAT POV TO WRITE FOR BECAUSE IM AT LOSS FOR BOTH. So I was like, fuck it, and starting to write whatever and experiment and oh... it’s kinda??? actually?? working??? I actually wrote a piece of dialogue that I really like sgdjkfkf

[transrightsjimin]

more work related ranting

im just so sad that the institution i was more interested in working at bc the meeting went rly well and they offer great labour rights / benefits for employees like free public transport and lots of possibilities for disabled ppl, didnt have anything fitting available rn unfortunately, so we will try for the uni rn and see if they are still interested in me as employee, even if i think they were less interested in / used to making accomodations and the meeting w them didnt go very well. but god i just need a job and urgh im so embarrassed abt ending up crying again during my phone talk w my job coach, like i just dont know what to do when someone tries to reassure me and say i dont need to cry and that they dont rly get why i have so few confidence. everything abt work is just so scary, idk how office jobs work and the work environment of the guys doing database work seemed Not great and at least w the water / city planning / public good stuff etc government thingy, theyre very used to disabled employees and were very open to diversity and whatnot and actually tried to get to know me. maybe its just bc i kind of fucked up during my talk w the uni computer guys idk idk.

but we’re gonna try for the uni rn and in the meantime, my job coach will try to contact other institutions in case this one doesnt work out. i just feel like im too difficult to them or smth bc i dont want to work for state violence institutions and dont have the luck or right mentality w the other two i spoke to.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 14

IN THIS EPISODE OF THE OFFAL HUNT LIVEBLOG:

On the other end of the line, Cinder let out a tight sigh. “Yeah. Okay, well—I’m in a difficult position right now. I’m balancing a lot. So, that wasn’t, you know, directed at you or whatever… I’m just trying to deliver you to Atlas. That’s all.”

“Yeah,” Glynda said. “This apology sucks.”

CINDER FALL TRIES TO HAVE MANNERS. AND FAILS. BUT SHE TRIES.

it’s been a WHILE but i’m STILL HERE!!!!!!!!! also i’m a little late to the draw and also unlike w/ prior chaps i did actually read this one when it came out so i’ve had my first run already. BUT that means i actually get 2 Focus so lets get this party started

so we’re now entering into the New Umbraroot Arc which Frightens me on a deep and intrinsic scale because now i have no padding to ready me for whatever the Hell is going to occur, but i do know it will be gay(er) than the current content was (is/shall be) and here’s the proof

It had only been a day, but the sound of Cinder’s voice was a relief to Glynda’s senses.

glynda that’s gay. hey. hey. glynda have u been told yr a lesbian. lesbeeb. besbion--

“Not at all.” Thank god. It was one thing to be traveling with Cinder Fall. It was entirely another to have her checking in on Glynda’s well-being.

cinder: my well-being is SHIT but thankfully there’s someone nearby doing WORSE than me, which makes me feel better at least,

“Oh.” Our sounded strange in her mouth.

my favourite thing abt any gay media and content is that it’s gay in ways that hettie(tm) nonsense can only dream of being. when a story is abt a guy and a gal all the romantic tension comes from like. looking at a tiddy or getting naked or w/e the shit. here? it’s literally found entirely in the use of the word our. such power. i love it.

I went from unknown to one of Atlas’ most wanted overnight, which is charming… And also annoying, because they refuse to stop pasting wanted posters on every street corner.

i feel like cinder is the type of bitch to send pics of them back to emerald like ‘is my face ACTUALLY that janky??? my hair is a state. you think they’ll use a selfie if i ask nicely???’

Cinder hummed, affirmative. “Which would be unnecessary, if you hadn’t reported me.”

Glynda returned, “I wouldn’t have reported you if you hadn’t been committing a crime.”

glynda you snitch. you narc. you bootlicker. does be gay do crime mean NOTHING to you,

We left a funny taste in her mouth, almost as strange as when Cinder had said our. She tried not to examine it too closely.

again. look at this shit. this is real slowburn hours. this is how u DO IT.

Her heart was beginning to feel like a pin cushion with all the needles pulled out, little holes left in their wake.

would i be showing my age if i glanced at this and wondered if it were a reference to the inciting og offal hunt inspiration fic or. it does doesnt it. okay moving on.

“Okay.” And then, in an effort to change the subject to something lighter: “I’ve never broken into a country before.”

glynda’s complete and continuous inability to actually like. do what she plans on doing is SO funny to me. she’s going to be stealthy, she says, throwing a man aside in obvious fashion. i’m going to be subtle, she says, being as conspicuous as possible. she’s a disaster and i live for it.

"The Faunus." Cinder's voice was cold. "Don't speak to her."

this part of this fic is subtitled ‘cinder’s rank opinions time’, apparently. not that u can tell. but it is. dsfhgjsdfghjghfjdk

In the silence that followed, Glynda thought of the stunted horns jutting above Cinder's hairline at the restaurant.

Glynda murmured, "That’s a horrible thing to say."

"Don’t start." There was no concession in her words. “I mean it.”

“...I just didn’t expect that from you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

There was something in Cinder’s tone that told Glynda that nothing she said would be correct. She said nothing.

cinder’s! rank! opinions! time! honestly this section victimises me the MOST as i very famously cried over an earlier section in which cinder thought abt all the faunus she grew up with, so i know that kc and diesel were looking to hurt me directly. that said i DO find it funny that cinder, yet again, looks like a pile of shit.  she can’t do anything right. naturally inclined to be the villain completely unintentionally. what a moron.

A harsh laugh. “What do you think we are, friends?”

“Well, no—um. Not really, but—”

YOU SEE. CINDER. PLEASE. £10 FOR U TO BEHAVE FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS.

“Then, just—just listen to me. I’m going to get us there. I p-promise.” There was a soft sound, like disgust or the prelude to a gag. “Urgh, your soul—give me more space.”

cinder: i’m inclined to being an asshole glynda: every time yr mean 2 me i’ll make u feel worse cinder: ah no. ah shit. i have to be nice??? ah fuck. what the shit is this.

Glynda thought of Ozpin. It wasn’t a comforting thought—more like the memory of a near-accident, like sliding on ice and feeling the world shift beneath you. It was a flinch-thought, and it would have made her miserable instead of just homesick had she not shut it out so quickly.

god the writing in this fic is so especially pristine. everything feels so real and visceral and you just know Exactly how that feels. it’s brilliantly punchy and i adore the way u get have the exact sensation click into place. it’s SO good.

She wondered if it was the same moon Bacia and Vivienne had looked upon. If they had felt the same beneath its pale light. The Great War had seen two shatterings of the moon, so perhaps it had appeared different, but… Glynda couldn’t help but wish that it was something they shared, even lifetimes apart.

👈😎👈

actually im a little nervous abt doing fingerguns because WHAT IF SMTHNG HAS CHANGED... but i think this bit is. safe. maybe. diesel. kc. am i safe,

Glynda closed her eyes and tried to feel out that instinctual power within her. Tried to know herself better. It resonated around her like a water in a tank, nearly palpable.

again this is just GREAT storytelling. i just LOVE how well kc and diesel turn abstract ideas into such physical manifestations it’s completely unreal. r y’all seein this shit???

upon checking his number, she’d discovered it had been blocked.

i love that glynda is abt as knowledgeable abt little jumps like this as the reader is. are we surprised as a reader? yes. is glynda also surprised? HELL YEAH SHE IS. SHE AIN���T GOT A FUCKIN CLUE MY DUDE.

Remembering the notes to herself not to trust Winter, Glynda opened the log hesitantly.

glynda no yr sending read receipts to yr future gf and thats a bad move on everybodys part

The indicator showed this wasn’t the first time Glynda had accessed the message. She couldn’t remember doing so. 

OH NO BITCH U ALREADY DID

“Special Operative Schnee, things are…” Glynda paused, searching for something suitably vague to say. “Proceeding.

do you see what i mean abt glynda’s ineptitude. it’s slapstick levels of ridiculous and i’m living for it.

Do you suspect she’s attempting to cross the border?”

“Maybe.”

‘sure,’ glynda says. ‘you could word it like that if you wanted to.’

“Bold of her, if nothing else. She should know there will—” Glynda skimmed through the rest of the paragraph to reach the end, the corners of her mouth curling. “—can make arrangements. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.”

HGSDFGKHJSFDGHKJDF JESUS CHRIST

its like in fallout 4 when someone tells u important info and when u click past it the main character just goes ‘uh huh’ ‘yeah’ ‘okay’ ‘sure’ ‘mm-hm’ as the text boxes whizz by GLYNDA PLEASE

Bubbles appeared, showing that Cinder was typing. Glynda waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The bubbles appeared and disappeared four times.

She flipped back to Cinder’s conversation and found that, after all that time, Cinder had finally settled on a reply.

It said:

“Good.”

i just had to pair these up for a second if only to say: dis me lol

okay let’s double back for a second just to cover this Juicy Lore:

If you’d like, I can arrange a bouquet of flowers to be left at your mothers’ memorial site. My thoughts are with you.”

For a long moment, Glynda simply stared at the screen. [...] In quick succession, she realized that it had been sixteen days since she’d met with Cinder in the restaurant and that it was soon to be the anniversary of her mothers’ deaths.

WHAT IS THIS LORE MA’AM AND MX??? **MA’X**??? firstly idk what the HELL the Black March tragedy is but im fascinated but also: did u have to do that. can ONE person in this fic not have [spoilers redacted cant say that yet no sir] problems??? no??? die. dsfhjgghjkfsddf

Glynda picked herself up from the armchair, neat and tidy, and disassembled into bed, pulling the covers up to her throat. With her Semblance, she turned off the lights. She closed her eyes.

It was quiet. Cold. The only thing she felt was the weight of her soul.

Her Scroll buzzed. Glynda answered it.

“Glynda.” It was Cinder. “I can feel that.”

okay following on from cinder’s text message, i just. love that cinder’s having such direct repercussions to her shitty shitty actions. like this is all tying together in some 👈😎👈 instances but having cinder be her usual callous self and having to literally turn around and start fucking Being Nice For Once is VERY gratifying. fuck you you lil round-faced one-braincelled baby. time to learn to have some Manners. jgdsfghsdfghfjd

She’d simply resigned to the loneliness of having no one to trust but Cinder, and then, not even having her.

... thats gay. hey lads is that gay? its gay. it feels gay.

On the other end of the line, Cinder let out a tight sigh. “Yeah. Okay, well—I’m in a difficult position right now. I’m balancing a lot. So, that wasn’t, you know, directed at you or whatever… I’m just trying to deliver you to Atlas. That’s all.”

“Yeah,” Glynda said. “This apology sucks.”

this feels like a reference to 👈👈👈😎👈👈👈 (IS IT. AM I RIGHT. IT IS ISNT IT) but also: LOOK AT CINDER GO. TRYING. BADLY. BUT TRYING. i love her she sucks so much shes such a dumbass. feel the consequences. feel them.

Glynda chided herself; Cinder Fall wasn’t capable of remorse, but she was more than capable of simple math. It seemed the worse she treated Glynda, the worse she herself would feel.

glynda: she’s doing this because it makes her feel better, not me cinder in like idk 20 chapters down the line:

(i guess thats another 👈😎👈 moment but for GOOD REASON)

There was a shift, like Cinder was rolling over, or maybe propping herself up. Was she in bed also? It triggered the remembrance of Glynda’s own physicality, and she turned over as well, searching in the dark for the nightstand and the lamp upon it. The light clicked on. The room brightened. Glynda settled in, ready.

OOOOOH THE PARALLELS. glynda turning the lights off and sinking into darkness and the void versus perking up and sitting up and turning the lights on when talking to cinder!!!!!!! POETIC CINEMA. OOF. OOF. HOW DOES FIFTEEN POINTS OF LOVE TASTE.

“Great! Lovely. Glad to hear it.” Fangs rounded out the words like scissors. A pleasant sense of satisfaction unfurled in Glynda’s chest. “So, once upon a fucking time—”

there were two gays and they were enemies to lovers but didnt know it yet. but they will be.

THATS CHAPTER 14 BABEY!!!!!!!! i LOVED this chap and i can rly feel kc and diesel gearing up for umbraroot. its great being able to like. feel the shift of focus goin on here and im SO ready to see this arc play out. once again offal hunt is the best fic ever made. this is a fact.

[nightlight-stardust-and-rain]

Adapting my two main OCs to DGM! Because this manga is incredible and I really like the backstory I cooked up for them.

Names : they're part of the Bookman clan so it's Complicated™. At the moment, their names are Caleb and Alceo. Their old names included Regulus (for Caleb), Polaris (for Alceo), Deneb (for Alceo), Orion (for Caleb) and Gabriel (for this time they pretended they were only one person).

They're twins! They were born in the Bookman clan : their mother was a Bookman (because I rest my case that there are more than one Bookman) and decided to make them her apprentices. At birth, they both had black hair and white skin. Alceo had vitiligo but it wasn't very stark against white skin. The only true difference between them was their eye color : royal blue for Caleb and teal for Alceo (that's when they were kids, because then puberty did its job and suddenly Caleb was taller and less androgynous than Alceo) that's how they were able to pretend to be one person for one of their recordings.

Their appearance changed because of a Noah incident, actually.

They were just doing their job with their master/mother when they were attacked by Akuma. They had no innocence weapons, so they tried to flee. Sadly, all three of them were gunned down by Akuma bullets. The twin's mother died because of the star disease (idk how it's called actually...) but the twins... Weren't affected? They knew what happened to people who were touched by Akuma... But it wasn't happening? Confusing.

A few hours later, they got an explanation when a head-splitting headache occurred. They were... Sort of.... Noah. It's complicated actually. You know how the Noah (like.... The ones who reincarnate, not their hosts) just reincarnate at random into one of their descendants? Yeah, well. Biologically speaking, Caleb and Alceo were one person. So there was a sort of... Error. The Noah of Secrets, Mistral, sort of awakened.... Into both of them. They were, technically, one person, therefore the Noah gene awakened in both of them, but for the same Noah and that was... Weird. It was not like with Jasdevi, who were meant to be one Noah in two bodies. Mistral wasn't meant to be divided in two, and the twins suffered the consequences.

They both received the full memories of the Noah, and it's disorienting because they both remember the same things from the same point of view as the same person urgh. The good thing with being twins and having spent their whole life together is that a lot of their memories are already of the same events but it's still super weird. They find themselves acting the same more than usual.

Their control over their Noah form is... Spotty at best. The Noah memories weren't divided in two but the powers were do their control is fucked up.

Caleb's hair stayed black but gained a blue tinge, his skin stayed white except for his left forearm/hand that became grey/brown, his nails became permantly black too. His left eye became permanently golden, turning it back to blue is so difficult that he doesn't bother. He has four and a half stigmata on the right side of his forehead. Alceo has the other half.

Alceo's hair became white, their skin turned grey-brown except for their vitiligo (but now it stands out much more). Their nails turned permanently black and their right eye turned gold (they like it tho). They have four and a half stigmata on the left side of their forehead. They have the same difficulties as Caleb with turning off the Noah features, but in their cases it's more annoying because their Noah features are much more noticeable.

Their powers are, weirdly enough, easier to control than their appearance. This doesn't makes any sense and they don't like that. Alceo can use their powers more than Caleb can. They theorize that it may be the reason why there have more Noah features than Caleb.

The Noah of Secret's powers are, honestly, kind of weird. As the name implies, Alceo is able to just... See all the secrets that people keep? Like, as written sentences floating above their head. It's pretty useful for information gathering. Althought the definition of secret can be.... Unstable. Sometimes it's things the person doesn't want to tell anyone. Sometimes it's things only the person know (unrelated with their willingness to tell anyone). Sometimes it's secrets about the person being kept from them, like if someone was adopted but unaware of that. Alceo can also sort of turn into a ghost? Like they can make themself invisible and weightless and intangible, kinda like Tyki except they can only pass trough things and people, not do this thing Tyki does where he makes himself solid while inside people.

Caleb can also do those things but they cannot use the same power at the same time. Caleb cannot become a ghost while Alceo is one, and vice-versa. Caleb also got really good eyes, while Alceo suddenly had a very good nose (which, let me tell you, did not help the sensory issues).

The thing about the twins, is that they were gonna be good Bookmen. Like, they're just very good at their job. They're super observant and curious and they really lack empathy (that is not to say that they do not love ; they're simply able to stay unbiased even with people they love) and they loved being apprentices.

Obviously, now that they're a Noah, or two Noahs? Well they can't be Bookmen anymore. Which really sucks, because they REALLY loved their job.

They don't want to join the Noah family either because they don't want to destroy humanity - mostly for entertainment reason. Who would they record if humans died? They're so entertaining to watch. Also they have like a few people they love on this planet.

Their inner Noah is unable to "possess" them, to erase their personality (like Tyki's issue) because they're only half a Noah each. They do feel compelled to join the Earl, but again, they're only half a Noah. The compelling is easier to resist, and they still kinda are Bookmen so their mind is strong. Also, Lavi is one of the few people they genuinely love and care about, which means no going after exorcists. The Earl, because he despite everything loves his family, won't force them to join. It's a choice (it's just that no one ever refused) and he just can wait for them to die so that their Noah may reincarnate somewhere else.

They cannot join the Black order either. Not that the order would let them join, anyway. But the thing about being a Noah is that the Noah inside loves its family. A love so deep and strong and old and the twins can't go against the Noah family, because fundamentally, they love them. Sure, this is not their love and they can recognize that, but it is very very strong, and they don't see the point in fighting it (and well. Rarely did they ever love so strongly. It is nice, to feel so intensely).

So they decide that they won't act in this war. They liked being Bookmen, so they'll keep being Bookmen, even if they look weird and have powers now. They're neutral and will stay neutral. They do tend to dismember people for fun sometimes tho. The homicidal urges aren't exactly new but they certainly weren't that strong before the Noah event.

Relationships wise :

Lavi is one of the few people the twins love. And when they love (which is rarely) they love obsessively, deeply, passionately. Not in a Yandere way (Lavi is family) but they would do almost anything for him. It's pretty weird for Lavi, who's always been told not to love. But he can clearly see that the twins love him very very much. It's weird, but he likes that. It's nice being loved so deeply. He loves them too, if a little less strongly. Their masters met often so the twins and Lavi did too. They didn't exactly grew up together, but they're close. The twins call Lavi cerise or sage (see my post about the Bookmen apprentices having a nickname so that other apprentices can talk to them without asking for a name every time) and Lavi calls Alceo Polaris and Caleb Sirius. They were in a star phase when they assignated nicknames. They consider each other something like siblings. They're definitely family.

Tyki often visits the twins. At first they were wary that he was trying to convince them to join the Noah, but he was actually just curious about them. He never met a Bookman, much less a Noah-turned one. And given his problem with staying himself, he was interested to learn that they managed to stay themselves without much problems. Obviously, he was a full Noah so it was more complicated in his case. But he appreciated the tips they managed to give him. In return he helped them with the intangible part of their powers. They surprisingly really like Tyki, actually. Above the fact that their Noah instinctively loves its siblings, Tyki has a surprisingly good sense of humor and appreciation of life. They like that. Also he's really, really easy on the eyes, which doesn't hurts.

Besides that, the twins have a few connections - a little girl they see as a sister, a dude called Perséphone, a little pack of weird people.... A few there and there. They hope they'll survive the war.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.