#until i feel ready to come back out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

doshi-sukiru · 11 months ago

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At this point I've lost all hope for myself

anyways Angel lucifer!

because i can't fuckin think to save myself anymore-

#lucifer #lucifer morningstar #hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin lucifer #angel lucifer #michael hazbin hotel #can i just-#disappear #like #i wanna fall into a void #and just stay there #until i feel ready to come back out #because honestly i'm exhausted #i want a break #fuck uni #i want to relax my brain #and give myself time #before i lock my head in into doing this shit all over again

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arts-i-enjoy · 11 months ago

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AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

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crazyspookies · 3 months ago

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ill have to look at the thing again but it's frustrating that i finished the episode and didn't quite understand what happened.

#arcane #ill watch it again when im ready obvs but rigth now #the alternate timelines and timeloops have me confused #like older viktor jesus where did he come from is he a different iteration of viktor that stayed hexxed but not machined heralded #when did whatever iteration of him decide to give every iteration of little jayce a rune when did he have the time to do that #im sorry im thtoopid i don't get ittt #i only understand why they didn't blow up cause i saw someone else explain it #ok im thinking about it now this is what im understanding:#wasn't that encounter what fascinated Jacy into wanting to create magic doesn't it mean that the whole machining #would precisely be avoided if that never happened so what is the point of creating that first meeting #(but if hes machine herald wouldn't he be unable to feel it? does he Not become machine heral in those? but jayce's machined corpse #is still on the roof so?? How does normal looking arcane mage viktor happen where does he come from how does he know what to do)#viktor in every timeline where he wins and fuckall years later hes liek ''hmmm don't like that''#so he goes back in time wiht his arcane powers and just gives different runes to jayce to see if something works?#he's known him for years so he kows this is a timeloop so eh only changes that every single rune and sees what happens??#until he gets to the acceleration rune that ekko uses to fuck up time and gives jayce enough time to be liek yo baby don't do this ur perfe #and jayce hugs him and victor is able to see what the world n his life is like in all those other timelines and hes like damn that sucks #and something something about them activating the acceleration + ekko¡s inversion of the rune of his device does some sciency thing #and they shoomp hand in unedited hand out of existence sacrificing themselves so that everything doesnt go boom #still though if jayce Had died in the snow wouldn't all this have been avoided #like sorry honey boo but also deos this mean that viktor is like yeah no im saving him anyway #or does it mean that it being a timeloop it just HAS to happen or the universe blows up or soemthing¿¿¿

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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · 10 months ago

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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

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storytellering · 4 months ago

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HIII I JUST SAW YOUR BJD! And wanted to know what doll you got, what body and head? What size is that cutie? I love the big eyes and the faceup you got

AA thank you anon!!! He's a Simply Meant To Be Dohwee! I saw that sculpt going around a couple years ago and I immediately fell in love with it, like from the very second I knew I wanted one to make into a Nero doll 😭 sadly he's currently discontinued, though emailing Obscure_kind (the sculptor) sometimes results them in doing special one off orders! I got mine secondhand, I happened to have a bit of extra money at just the right time someone was selling theirs for a very good price and I just couldn't pass the opportunity haha! He's a tall MSD - around 48cm I believe, and since he's a bit more mature proportioned than most MSDs, clothes can fit him a bit weird - sleeves and pants meant for MSD are just a bit too short, and tops tend to be a bit tight around his chest/shoulder area, but other than that it all fits fine! I get most of his tops in small SD size anyway since I want them oversized lol. And thank you so much on the faceup and eyes! I'm still VERY rusty when it comes to faceups, I do plan on converting two of my older dolls into DV but I'm too intimidated to wipe them and redo their faces since I used to be so good at it and now it's like I'm still re-learning from scratch 😭 but it was my first ever attempt at making eyes and I'm very happy with how they came out! far from perfect but close enough to what I wanted that I'm happy with it unless I decide to try again and have a much better outcome haha.

#asks #thanks again anon!!!#dolls are very important to me and i missed being actively in the bjd hobby so much #unfortunately I already am starting to have less time as summer rolls out but what can we do #I should have new clothes coming in for him soon and will prob take some pics then!#and when I'm more free I'll keep practicing faceups until I feel ready to tackle the twins + get started on their wigs lmao #you can expect. well you know what kind of pictures you can expect from me when I do that #just word of warning if that's not everyone's cup of tea the twins are gonna be uncle sized HAH #might make a doll only sideblog too at some point who knows #I wanna get back to the point where I feel like I can take faceup commissions 😭#I dont even wanna do it to get paid i just love getting to handle all sorts of doll sculpts #and getting a feel for what looks good on their features and I miss that so much!!!!!#but if I did that right now I wouldn't be able to ensure the quality I'd like so rip back to the training chambers with me

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s4pphic-sh3nan1gans · 5 months ago

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love that my mum just gave me a lecture (more like an unnecessary reason to argue with me though tbh) about internet safety as if I'm doing something really terrible and I'm a vulnerable, naïve child when I'm literally almost 20 years old :)

#there's looooots more to this but long story short she thinks she can still control me hahahaha yay #I should also add the context that she didn't stop going through my phone until I was 17 and that's because I changed the password #she probably means well but has a fucking awful way of showing it #instead she's been incredibly over-protective my entire life to the point where it's actually suffocating and damaging #and apparently that still hasn't changed much despite me being an adult #I understand to a certain extent because she's a single mother to an only child but there comes a point she has to realise #I'm not a little kid anymore and I respectfully need her to back off a bit more #because honestly I feel like she crossed a line here and it's not okay #and the other thing is that she thinks she can tell her boyfriend everything I tell her without my permission #simply because he's her boyfriend #I've told her multiple times it makes me uncomfortable buuuut she doesn't listen to me :)#she actually outed me to him a few years ago and that REALLY hurt because I told her how dangerous it can be to out people #and she just completely dismissed everything I said because “he's not homophobic”#cool. great. doesn't mean I didn't want the opportunity to tell him myself when I'M ready :) cos I barely knew the guy #well........ anyways :)#just needed to get this off my chest 😭#personal

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heartshattering · 6 months ago

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I'll be happy if I can sleep at least

#brain is so damn loud ughfhfh #I'm overthinking everything #I have a doctor's appointment in 2 days and I'm praying he re-prescribes my sleep aid......#I don't feel ready to come off it yet even though I have been taking less than before #my brain is still so overactive at night #I have found some things that help me but other times I just get overwhelmed #I'm sorry I just don't want to be awake and anxious all night when there's so much on my mind #my clothes aren't coming until after Saturday and I'm gonna try to go out on Saturday morning #and all my current clothes look bad on me #I've been trying to keep cleaning and it's overwhelming :')#everything just feels impossible you know?#like I'm sick of trying to get help from people irl and no one actually wanting to help #doctors treat me like a freak #therapists tell me not to come back #I don't have much of a support system and I'm realizing now that my friend is a shitty person #I just tolerated her for longer than I needed to but it's become so obvious lately what kind of person she is #I don't feel good about my looks and I feel like I've forgotten how to socialize #I'm just nervous all the time #sleepy meds are kicking in now though

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phagodyke · 9 months ago

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love my leather boots sooo much.. polishing them at weekends is my favourite chore by far I always look forward to getting to do it :-)

#just re-lacing them rn so theyre ready for work tomorrow theyre so shinyyy muah #when my next payday comes around im gonna get a second pair so im not putting as much strain on the leather by wearing them everyday #but i think im gonna go for a different colour to my standard black.... ik solovair do similar ones in burgundy or bottle green hmm #well i have a month to think abt it before i decide!#red is my go to accent colour but green would probably fit better with my work wardrobe... and i do wear work clothes 5/7 days a week #anyway.... i need to meditate and then sleep. i usually settle down for bed 9:30 but im a little wired cuz new med change #so ive been putting it off until i feel actually tired so i wont stress abt not being able to fall asleep and then make it worse #i will probably feel pretty tired at work tomorrow but thats okay i dont have anything taxing scheduled #feeling so much better now this weekend is behind me. ik next weekend will likely be difficult again but im more prepared for it #i need to book myself this trip as well before train tix get too expensive so i have smth to look forward to next month....#just debating whether i actually want to invite other ppl or not. itd be rly nice for everyone to come but with recent events i feel-#a little delicate abt social stuff and i dont want to stress myself out and get insecure bc its meant to be a treat for me #like if i invite other ppl itll become their trip and suddenly im in the backseat third wheeling them all #and ill wish i had uninvited myself so they would enjoy it more etc but the POINT is its smth i wanna do!!!! for me!!!#we'll see how this week goes. i dont rly feel ready rn to unmute their server yet tho bc ill just make myself upset abt next weekend #letting sleeping dogs lie for now... ill come back around eventually it always takes some time to recover from mood swings that intense #okay now goodnight! xoxoxoxooxo #.diaries

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todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago

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Okay I can't post it until next week at the earliest and NEED to get this off my chest between now and my next longer reply because of stuff we were talking about:

Confirmed in one of my livestream clips there's been actual consideration towards Mine having survived. It's just a matter of his voice actor's availability and wanting to do it right if they end up doing it. We really could see Mine back in the main series.

And I recorded that clip based on something I misheard and didn't register that part at all until now. How Are We Doing Tonight

(Speaking of, get well soon!! I was sick myself the past couple of weeks, it's awful)

me waiting for the absolute millisecond yokoyama drops the 100% Mine Survived The Fall statement

#snap chats #ON THE REAL THOUGH HELLO ?#hang on i need to put my thinking cap on after i threw it across the room excited #OK so i recall yokoyama(? im p sure it was yokoyama lik 99% sure it was him) talked about the concept of mine being alive #i think i still have the tweet bookmarked and while he didnt blatantly confirm it he did kind of allude to it #EITHER WAY ive gotten hope from the idea of mine being alive before #BUT IF THIS IS CREDENCE TO FURTHER CONFIRMATION i might just explode. i MIGHT just be even MORE insufferable #this is such a funny case though like i love how the status of mine's mortality is treated like an actual missing person's case sometimes #Area Man That Went Missing In 2009 Has Finally Been Found Alive #im holding off on the Mine's Alive memes until theres a Confirmation confirmation #i dont even care if he comes back in the main games (yes i do im lying) just the idea that's he's out there would satisfy me for now #if mine was just a local cryptid in the rgg franchise that would be JUST as funny oh my god actual zhao in judgement type beat #BUT THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D WANNA SAY SOMETHING NOW #IF YOU GET THE CLIP OF THAT READY LIKE OBVI ID LOVE TO SEE IT ?? MY STARS #gonna think of this all night.. mine should come back so i can be even more annoying #and thank you- i hope you're feeling better from your sickness now !#i think im starting to feel better- i just have to stay inside more i guess #when i was at school there was pretty much no foliage so my allergies werent as bad #but back home theres nothing But foliage im gonna throw up ☠️

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faaun · 1 year ago

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#i havent come to terms with the fact that one of the people i held closest to my heart has graduated and i wont see him for a good while #until i can shell out the money to fly to singapore. i get the feeling this is the conductors first shift on the train.#(all the black and breathing rapture) so welcome to charing cross? are you ready? an adminstration error #you are covered in the metallic stench of the rusty chains of command. its time to make four thousand pounds. i thought of you.#here in the garden of england she scrapes the shards of glass from the black sea. first with a spoon and then a knife and the with the #hairdryer that belonged to his mother. in the back of his car i can feel the stutter and jutter of the wheels the same shaky-straight path #of a beginner driver. i love you and the trees. hes finally growing his hair out. here is an enclosed metal room #more man than machine. i wont see you for another year. driving dangerously close to an 8-wheeled tall box i feel safer with you #than i ever will at home. weve already started a campfire in the backseat of your car ive got you didnt i?#we laid in the luxury of a four-person tent next to the mass of campfires and stars and i told her i thought you hated me #I've never hated you. ive never hated anyone except my father. here is how to forgive unspeakable things.#i am really all that ive been looking for. youre not a narcissist baby youve just got a lying problem. take molten gold #and glue the fragments of yourself back together. we cant stop crashing into the sky. drink wine straight from the grapes in the vineyard #and when you give it give it all. studies have shown you view your own future self as a seperate person #and oftentimes you have less empathy for this other person than for a friend. it is time to extend your kindness unequivocally.#the aviation tax attorney on the train floating on water told us a short story of her life. a smile full of charisma and #feeling old retiring at 47. theres a lot about you we shouldn't know. GRAB A GUN AND SHOOT THE IMAGE OF YOURSELF STRAIGHT IN THE MIRROR.

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sadgirlautumn · 1 year ago

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It’s always weird when the Big Problem is over with but you don’t really feel relieved yet so it’s just this awkward grace period where you don’t know how to feel. 🧍‍♀️

#basically my brother finally found a place to stay until his apartment is ready and you’d think my dad would be happy right???#but no!!! I definitely think he’s giving it time to make sure he doesn’t actually come back bc he doesn’t trust him at all #I also know he’s anxious to deep clean the house now so we’ll see how annoying and stessful that is for me bc he doesn’t like it when #people help him clean but I feel bad not helping???#idk I am a little relieved because at least I don’t have to stress about it at my appointment #tomorrow but I can feel the pent up frustration coming out and it’s not fun #autumn rambles

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did #bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried #another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one #machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem #god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8 #and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration #ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a #personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up #bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like #yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine #ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought #my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home #god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great #i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc #thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days #and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst #move. bc again. im barely a functional person #god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive #down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno #unrelated

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masonscig · 2 years ago

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AAAAH can I just say I am so soft that you remembered me and zuri🥺

I completely get why Sofia would feel pressured to say yes, it's a loaded question. Especially with her feelings about her mortality (which I'd love to hear about btw if you're down to share👀👀).

Zuri ends up saying that she's curious when she's asked about the blood drinking. She's always been a big supernatural fangirl so her answer would usually be a yes lol, but she's worried that she's only valuable to people now (ub, the chamber, rebecca - especially rebecca) because of her blood. After the brief conversation with her LI (i still have her romancing everyone💀) about her blood and them being tempted by it, she isn't keen on the possibility of having those thoughts confirmed.

Also, re: the chamber. How did Sofia feel about them before and after meeting them? And how does she feel about not being a detective anymore?

Which just sooo...uuuuaaah. I feel like it's WAY too soon for that, I don't don't have words to express how bummed I was when I read that. Especially since the detective can't say no. They've only had that title for a couple of months. I get that they're so involved that it makes sense for them to eventually be a full on agent, but in the 3rd book of a 7 book series? With the detective barely getting a chance to think about it?🧍🏽‍♀️

YES OF COURSE !!!! <333 oh my gosh there are so many wayhaven oc's that just float around in my brain – even if i'm not active, i'll think about them sometimes and be like "hmm i wonder if (insert mutual) is working on something (insert oc) related right now :)" i love zuri !!!!!!!

ok this is probably gonna be long so i'm preemptively putting the rest under the cut

AH !!!! i love mortality talk hehe okay so i've written this in fic form before more fleshed out than this but here's a tl;dr version <3 so sofía's whole thing is that she struggles letting go of who she thought she was going to be and reconciling with what her life is – she's always wondering what her life could've been if she'd done a, b, or c. and with mason, it's the first time she's really able to let go, because there aren't any expectations – except for turning. sofía knows if she chose to turn, it wouldn't be her choice. she'd be turning for mason. and a huge part of her character is the fact that she's taking her own agency back by not turning – truthfully, i still don't know if she ever will! if she made the decision it'd be in old age (okay time to laugh about mis/hka's whole 'de-aging' thing, because she's afraid of being 40 years old i guess) TY FOR ASKING I LOVE TALKING AB THIS STUFF

also ZURI !!!!!! i just want to hug her and tell her she's worth more than her blood UGH also all of ub needs to give her a smooch and tell her everything is okay </3 she's precious 2 me !!!!!! i really hope that by the time that we get blood drinking in canon, she's more comfortable with it <333 she deserves a lil bitey bite KFMKDKMDF

OOF THE CHAMBER.......... so many thoughts. so so so many. none of them good honestly LMAO so i think sofía was nervous/scared to meet them at first, because although she's able to woo over most people with her trademark friendly/genuine approach – the whole thing just made her very uneasy. afterwards, she felt even worse – a lot of her discomfort comes from her feeling like overall she has a lack of agency in any situation relating to her job, and meeting an even more authoritative, what-we-say-always-goes-no-matter-what group that's expecting her to kneel at their feet and blindly serve them, is fucking with her mind. she was accepting of the existence of supernaturals in book 1, but truthfully, the more she learns, the more i think internally she's starting to freak out.

also! i think that she's deeply upset about not being a detective – not because she ever wanted to be a cop in the first place, but because for years, she's held onto the idea that this year is the year she'll go to med school. "i can leave this job at anytime. this is just temporary." but the more that she gets sucked into the supernatural world, the more she's having to divorce herself from the version of herself that she's always wanted to be. (she wants to be a person who helps people, even though she already is, but she never thinks what she's doing is enough)

SORRY FOR THE DUMP ABOVE DKMFMKDFMKD i just love talking about her so much ugh im sorry

ALSO YES TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH !!! dude. it's SOOOOO soon. and i know from the stuff mis/hka has said, i highly doubt that this is a setup for something later – like even the idea that mc joins the agency and is immediately terrible at the position for narrative purposes – or even the idea of mc being forced to join for surveillance purposes – i just don't trust her with those types of complexities

#TY FOR THE ASK <33333 MWAH this was so fun to read and respond to !!!#im sorry i took so long i wanted to wait until i was settled and ready to type out a thoughtful response #but also !!! i love zuri !!! she is so great !!! idk how you feel about me going through your oc tag but –#i think i will have to scroll through your zuri tag to get more content of our girl <333 #i can't stop thinking about this book and all the discussions its posed but like. how i don't think any of these –#ideas are going to come back in the end ?? so much of this book throws shit out the window #maybe its a set up for book 4 but... i dont know if i trust that #asks #twc book 3 #twc book 3 spoilers #twc spoilers #oc: sofía olmos #<- i'm tagging my girl bc i talk about her quite a bit in this ask <333

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sluttyten · 1 year ago

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I still have 5 hours left in my shift 😭😭😭