legally-obligated-to-nonsense

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

The AI results part is terrifyingly accurate.

"For the love of God, Switch!"

"Yes, for the love of God!" I chirp. A scraping sound cuts short the frivolity of my revenge. I have run out of mortar, and the wall encapsulating my hated enemy will remain incomplete. Shit. This always happens.

"Okay, actually, hold on," I plead with the hole in the wall. "I gotta go to fucking Home Depot. Stay right here."

Fifteen minutes later, I've given up on trying to find what I came for myself and I am now asking an employee for help.

"Uhhhhhhhhh... no, I've never heard of mortar. We got quick 'crete, that'll work."

"I'm pretty sure it won't."

The employee scoffs, and blows a vape cloud directly into my face. From the centre of the vape cloud emerges a billion pinpoints of light, which form themselves into words. Motherfucker is doing a Google search right in front of me.

"AI Results," it chirps. "Joining blocks together is the process of joining blocks together. If you can't find mortar, try using marmalade or bee semen. AI results are experimental." The vape cloud then dissipates into the air, leaving me with more questions than answers.

"Do you have bee semen, then?" I ask.

"Oh yeah, tons. Aisle 51."

Over in Aisle 51, I find no bee semen whatsoever. What I do find is mortar. I buy it, and head back to the basement of my Airbnb, ready to continue the home improvement project I had begun more than an hour ago. Entire Goddamn Saturday is blown.

"Oh, you're back. I haven't been screaming bloody murder for someone to save me for the last hour," my quarry lies. "That would be unsportsmanlike."

"Look, dude, I went to Home Depot on a Saturday for this. Let me have it."

"Fair play," Fortunato admits, and is silent while I place the last brick. Maybe I was a little too harsh to condemn him to a torturous death by starvation, but I was pretty mad on the whole drive home. I'll anonymously send his widow a gift card to Home Hardware.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

"Do you have feelings for me?", he murmured as he moved closer to her, tipping her chin up with his finger so he could look her in the eyes. She looked back and forth between his eyes and sighed quietly, "What if I did?" He gazed at her with an emotion she couldn't quite put her finger on, which urged her to continue, "What if every space of my mind and soul is filled with nothing but you? What if I so desperately want to be by your side when the weight of the world gets too heavy on your shoulders? What if I wanted to protect you from the darkness of this world and hold you gently through it all? What if I want nothing but the best for you and can only ever hope of loving you how I want to?" He cupped her face in his hands before brushing his thumb across her cheeks, "Then I would die a happy man." She pursed her lips as she pressed her forehead against his, "You don't mean that." "But I do my love", he whispered against her lips, "What if I've been wanting all those things from you since the moment we met? What if I was hoping that you would love me in your way, so unconditionally and so gently?" He kissed her lips gently before murmuring, "So believe me when I say that I've been waiting for you all my life, darling."

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Men need a very specific type of therapy and it's called redlining a vehicle while blasting Creep.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

I'd rather die before I admit I get homesick BUT I will ask for my dad's curated Pandora radio despite having Spotify premium just so I can maybe get the vibe of the garage again.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

This is going on my bingo card of "things that sound absurd but can totally happen"

For years, real estate predators have said they aren't making any new land. Today, I'm proud to tell you that this is, at long last, slightly incorrect. The seaborne microplastic crisis of abandoned fishing nets, old condoms, and 1996 Saturn SL1s has in recent months congealed into a single glorious island in the middle of the ocean, and we're doing condo pre-sales for it for just $350,000.

Now, I hear what you're asking on the message boards and at the town halls. Is this "land" consisting mostly of shopping bags and Garfield telephones actually sturdy enough to build several tonnes of condo building on top of? We simply don't know, but the important thing is that it doesn't keep you from speculating on the property. Buy one today, and then sell it in a month for twice what you paid, even before we broke ground on it. In fact, the price went up to $500k just while we were talking, so you better jump on it.

Don't worry, though. Just because we got the land for free, and are violating several hundred international regulations on human rights to build these buildings, doesn't mean that you're getting a bad deal. Sure, it's made of a flimsy reclaimed-timber frame made of old trees we found floating by, but if the walls ever catch on fire, the ocean is right there to put it out. Full of water. Couldn't be safer. Price is now $750k, to reflect the changing market dynamics of housing.

Investors, I mean homeowners, we regret to inform you that our esteemed construction partner, Scamco, has run away with the seed capital we paid them. We've got no way to get that money back, I'm totally gutted about it and we'll have to ask everyone for another $200,000 to resume construction.

After an audit conducted by our internal partners, it turns out that they had no expertise in this kind of construction in the first place, and couldn't build a 60-storey luxury condominium using my uncle's old bass fishing boat as a cargo barge. Why my uncle? Oh, my brother runs Scamco. Rest assured that we have no conflict of interest here, we don't let him sit in on board meetings that are held in the bedroom next to his. Come to think of it, in case any of you have family of your own that want to buy another of the condos in our building before we begin construction, it's only $1.5 million for the next week.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Lisa beach outfit

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Nom

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Grillby needs to get him a stepstool

a skeleton walks into a bar and says

"ouch."

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Tree spirit

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

"Hey, come here for a second."

"yeah um.. what is it? Is there something on my face?"

"not exactly, look at me for a sec"

"H-Hey, you know that I'm not good with eye contact"

"I know, but something is wrong, I can tell. If you won't say it, your eyes will. So please, look at me"

The sincerity of my request gets to her, she sets her gaze to mine. I see it immediately, the faded light, the glaze, the pain. The hurt in her soul peers at me like a window through the Hoover Dam. Even in the mere moments I'm looking the dam is starting to crack, it wants to, needs to. There must be relief from the pain bottled for so long.

I reach my hand up, slowly, intently. She knows what I'm going to do.

Crack

I place my hand, gently, more gently than thought possible, on her cheek. Her head, on its own, leans in every so slightly.

Crack

I wipe a welling tear with my thumb.

Crack

My voice is soft, yet deep, powerful, yet gentle still.

"You have been through so, so much, haven't you?"

Crumble

She falls into me with gargantuan, heaving sobs, catharsis, as the pain finally takes leave.

"It hurts-" she chokes out between cries "-so much, I didn't know what to do with the pain."

"You're going to be okay, I've got you, just let it all out"

I don't know how long we stayed there, as I comforted her. What I do know is that when the tears dried, and she fell asleep with her head on my lap

She was smiling.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Captain 3 is the funniest Splatoon character actually

Be some kid on the street

You're 14

Get pressured into joining the army by an old man??

Start going by Agent 3. Which is not a name

Never speak a word (you're canonically too shy)

You just start blasting??

Save the world and liberate an entire race of people somehow???

The entire rest of the series can only happen because you did this

Almost kill the protagonist of Octo Expansion (she is in love with you now)

Turn 16

Become a DJ as a hobby??

Your DJ name is DJ Sango. Sango is just "number 3" in Japanese. Still not a real name

Start taking yourself really seriously

Start wearing a cape

Get knocked unconscious multiple times

Get mind controlled???

It's fine you got better

Turn 21. The old man quits and puts you in charge of the army???

You inherit his hobo outfit. Why are you actually wearing it

Start going by Captain (still not a name)

Still never speak (a girl speaks for you) (she's a famous singer and older than you, why are you making her do this)

Do one (1) cool thing and just sit on your ass the whole rest of the game

Say booyah once

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

"Gender identity" this, "sexual identity" that. What's your trig identity? What happens if I add you to sin^2(x)? Are you equal to cos(x)/sin(x)?

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Ngl my first years of tumblr exposure came from Pinterest so seeing the Tumblr/Pinterest solidarity is the icing on the cake for me.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

This website is too mobile focused these days. Reblog and tell me what your desktop/laptop background is.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

The carabiner that has all my keys on it has now gotten so packed with stuff, that rather than actually search for the thing I'm looking for, I just swing my keys around like a butterfly knife until the one I'm looking for magically appears in my hand.

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

Ah yes, the Toyota Hilux. Truly the most indestructible truck in existence. I'd love to own one someday.

cant stop thinking about this video

[legally-obligated-to-nonsense]

not really any memorable context he just said that