#unpacking my religious trauma

[yippeecahier]

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they won't care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but are unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

- Marcus Aurelius (121-180 CE)

[nerdragenewvegas]

"I'm really glad I got out of the Mormon church before they managed to get me married because then it would have been REALLY hard to get out, I'm one of the lucky ones, I came out basically unscathed" I say to myself as I open fifteen tabs of the most unhinged, filthy, ethically questionable, heretical Joshua Graham fanfiction I can possibly find. (I will insist these things are entirely unrelated.)

[bigevildoeeyes]

(x)

so obsessed with how for all the possibilities of authentic selfhood immortality captures, it is itself still just an opportunity. time may buy you the capacity to reflect but personal realization is a difficult chosen effort, and what is time but a currency you must learn how to spend for it means little as is? what is armand but a child who never learned how, and 500 years later still abides by the values he internalized as a mortal

armand's entire identity and self worth is founded on being useful and desirable, so young and beautiful he was. then he aged out of his youth and his desirability became less innate, became created in identifying desire and molding to it.

when he says "I'm the quiet you've been longing for" he identifies himself As Death because if he himself is not whats desired, then he'll manipulate into existence a desire which he can become. malik and luke, people who want to live! will be made to seek death, seek armand, and they are going to make the decision that they want this. because when they beg for death it's armand they will reach to

and in the end its essentially the same, sex, submission, domination, death, all of these wanted roles armand can step into which in turn make him wanted. who cares about the validity of the desire, because in the end armand is needed and able to provide. armand who learned himself as a vessel to satisfy others and spends 500 years recreating instead of questioning because time is just a series of choices offered and armand lives to serve, he's the very best and its what he's good for.

[local-redhead-bookworm]

Some of y’all on this site don’t want a redemption arc, you want an apology tour and a penance arc. Do y’all just expect a character to spend the rest of their life mentally beating themself up because of past misdeeds? What are you, Catholic?

[lilyaceofdiamonds]

One of my d&d mates: i watched that Duggar documentary

Me: hAhAhA i made it eleven minutes before i slammed my computer shut because they did a Thing the same way my cult did a Thing and i decided i needed to go buy more alcohol before attempting it again

Her: That’s fair, i thought about you a lot while watching it

[antigonewannabe]

my camera roll presented without comment

[kxllakxm]

i didn't eat today and nobody noticed

the oven chokes and groans when you turn it above 425

the doors have no handles

peek a boo holes through each entrance

only a subtle push to exit

the cracks in the tile look marbled

and your eyes get used to the way the kitchen light flickers constantly

the bones of the house creek and stretch to hold us inside

the ropes hold the garage door down to protect our possessions

the broken boards in the fence are blocked with garbage bins

and we don't even try to close the pool gate anymore.

we learn to swim.

the glassware with leftover dinner i brought home is cold against my skin and placing it in the fridge feels like a safe that locks from the inside.

i place my belongings there never knowing if i'll ever see them again

at earth's beginning there was water and smoke

i think i will blend into the wallpaper, fall apart with this house and return to the dirt

[mothric]

happy new year!! I had a horrible nightmare that (check the tags before proceeding please) I had to get a surgery to release some kind of fluid buildup in my brain and the surgery involved drilling a hole into my skull and I didn't find out they weren't intending to put me under until I was on the operating table with the nurse hovering over me with a GIANT drill

she reassured me they gave me local anesthesia but i flailed and begged to go to sleep and tried to shove the drill away while the nurse basically forced me into position, and I kept tapping my skull trying to confirm that the local even did anything because I couldn't remember them administering it. before I knew it they were drilling into the side of my head and it wasn't painful, so I guess the stuff worked, but I could hear it and feel it the way you feel what the dentist is doing even when there's novocaine. eventually i stopped yelling and fell silent because the drill was so loud and what can you even do at that point.

when they were done they cheerfully showed me an x ray of the hole they made, which went ALL the way back to my spinal cord and brain stem and stopped just a millimeter short of touching them, and they acted like this was normal and they hadn't just gone within a hair's breadth of killing me, and then they gave me a flimsy paper towel and told me I'd just need to hold it over the fresh hole in my head for awhile until it healed.

bizarre and upsetting New Year's Day dreams are practically a tradition for me at this point but, genuinely, what the Fuck was that.

[aandriskobold]

me watching sophomore year: man this is so good and intense. i can't wait for my dm to fuck me up like this

me when dms fuck me up with backstory i gave them: :0 why would u do this

[helsex-moved]

Thinking about how the firm belief that everyone is born sinful, that even infants are selfish sinners is just a way for Christian parents to absolve themselves of any feeling of guilt and responsibility when their children are shitty because it's not their fault for raising them poorly with fear and physical abuse it's the kids fault because they're sinners

[yippeecahier]

I've come to the realization that I think I might actually be cishet. Since leaving my childhood home that was very Christian evangelist, I am seeing way more ways to be a woman and defining my own.

Since putting on weight and no longer being as worried about what my parents would find to be appropriate makeup, clothing, and style choices, I genuinely feel like my gender dysphoria has slowly faded away. I find that I actually like my curvy body and my face covered in heavy makeup and body exposed in clothes that my family would have called "immodest."

For a long time I thought I was asexual and trans, but while I recognize that it was logical and made sense then (I despised the idea of Christian womanhood and had internalized that all sexual desire was wrong/sinful/dirty), it doesn't make sense for me now. I feel these affections for my body I didn't feel before because I thought it was wrong.

Moreover, after exploring a possible otherkin identity, I realized I actually felt most comfortable as a female animal than as a transmasc human. Since getting married and moving to a different city, I also feel way more free in expressing my sexuality. My partner has never shamed my sexuality or even my niche kinks that he doesn't share. I love him so much that I feel a little feral for him when I'm horny. I actually feel horny without feeling (as) guilty, and it is truly such a good experience.

When I realized that expressing my sexual attraction to my cis male partner wasn't "disgusting" to him, that changed me for the better. I didn't realize until it was gone that I had internalized the whole "you have to be coy and modest and not forward" dictates of Christian female sexuality.

I will always remain an ally of queer people, I just realize that I might not be one anymore. Sexuality and gender can change over time, and that's OK. (I'm mostly saying this to myself). I still prefer to go by they/them and it/its pronouns, but I now identify as female and straight.

[gxlden-angels]

Were you personally victimized by the JOY model in church? Did your youth pastor shame you for having basic needs? Do you compulsively feel the need to give the food from your plate, the clothes off your back, and the air from your lungs just to justify your existence? Well do I have the model for you!

Introducing: The "Y, Tho" Model

This model stands for:

Y - Yourself: You should put yourself first

T - The Bit: Always commit to the bit

H - Homies: Gotta kiss the homies goodnight

O - Others: You can worry about others when you have your shit together

Remember this model when you can't remember your priorities in life! Now get out there and change the world!

[exmojoe]

been reveling in my land and sky daddy issues today

[hobbinch]

I don't have OCD i just believe their beliefs

[ilovedirt]

I think it is important to remember the history of US child abuse protection laws in order to understand where we are at with many things today. For example, the first national child abuse case, that of 9yo Mary Ellen in 1874 -

excerpts from this great article you should read tw American History n everything

img transcription (emphasis mine):

At that time there were laws protecting animals, but no local, state, or federal laws protected children. Consequently, Wheeler turned to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) for help. The case was presented to the court on the theory that the child was a member of the animal kingdom and therefore entitled to the same protection from abuse that the law gave to animals. The court agreed, and the child, because she was considered an animal, was taken from her brutal foster mother.

Mary Ellen Wilson's case led to the founding of the New York Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NYSPCC) in 1875. The first child protective agency in the world, the NYSPCC continues in the twenty-first century to work for the best interests of children. Similar societies were soon organized in other U.S. cities. By 1922, fifty-seven societies for the prevention of cruelty to children and 307 other humane societies had been established to tend to the welfare of children. After the federal government began intervening in child welfare, the number of these societies declined.

[queenerdloser]

honestly hysterical sometimes to read responses to some of my poems bc so many of them are like, “you are so good at examining faith and talking about god :) what a good christian girl :)” and im like. no actually im an atheist and part of the reason i write poetry about religion and god is bc i have a fundamentally weird relationship with religion and god. i havent been to church in years. god to me is a little guy im rotating around like a chicken blorbo. stop accusing me of being a fundamentalist for talking about god.