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briefalpacashark · 2 months ago

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=The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare=

=Plus a Woman or Two=

=Chapter 3=

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Once the dust of the new arrival had settled, the men were outside tending to the ship as they hit a bout of harsh winds. Looking through your bag for the twentieth time you sighed as you came to the realization. Now in a pair of brown pants held up by a pair of suspenders set atop a light blue button up your bare feet slapped against the deck as you walked past all the men who gave you sideways looks coming to stop in front of your brother who was tending to some ropes. ”We have a problem,” you announced, pocketing your hands. ”What is it?” Gus asked, slightly concerned. ”I haven’t any boots,” you stated. He frowned, looking down to your bare feet that you wriggled. ”You didn’t bring any with you?” he asked. ”I did. Quit a nice pair, actually. Couldn’t swim in them, though. The flight suit was doing wonders to try and drown me,” you explained. ”So why not take the flight suit off?” he asked. ”Well, that would mean I would arrive on deck with nothing but my skivvies. While I’m sure the gents would have enjoyed that I dought you would have,” you explained. ”I much prefer the flight suit actually,” Lassen’s comment earned a glare from Gus, making him chuckle. A smirk pulled at your lips as you looked back at Lassen who simply smiled. ”I would prefer the skivvies,” Freddy pipped in. ”Shut it Freddy,” Gus ordered. ”Yes sir,” Freddy smiled.

”Any of you boys have a spare pair?” Gus asked. Shortly after, Lassen placed a pair of boots in front of you. You propped an eyebrow, looking up at the smiling Swed. ”While I greatly appreciate the offer,” you picked up the boot that almost dwarfed the size of your head. “I’m more likely to drown in this boot than I was the sea,” you finished. ”Well it’s the only spare pair we have,” Gus said, taking the other. ”There are the best boots on the market,” Lassen boasted. ”How so? Made of special squirrel leather?” you asked. ”Yes, how did you know?” Lassen quick response to your quip had you smiling. A smile he found dangerously contagious. ”I could make it work. But I’ve had to gut the poor buggers. I’d hate to ruin such a good pair of boots,” you said. ”Please, think of it as a gift. A welcome to the team,” Lassen stated with a shrug. In spite of his statement he looked reminiscent on the pair of boots. ”Ah of course. Welcome to the team. Now let me cut up a pair of boots you clearly have some attachment to,” you took the boot from your brother holding them out to Lassen. ”I grew up running barefoot through the shire. I’ll be fine until we acquire another pair,” you gave a thankful nod and a kind smile. ”I insist,” he shock his head pleasantly surprised at your kind gesture. ”So do I,” you said. With a huff, he smile tilting his head to the side. ”Then I suppose we are at a standstill,” he said. ”It seems we are,” you sighed. ”Only difference is, when I’m stood at a stand still I never back down,” you finished pulling the boots back to you starting to fiddle with the laces. ”Neither do I,” he said crossing his arms over his chest. The poor shirt he was wearing strained at the flex of his muscles. You hummed as you took in the apple assortments of such he had. ”What ever shall we do then?” you questioned. ”Please Ma’am. No lady should be walking around bare foot while a man stands booted beside her,” he explained. You chuckled at the address. ”Listen closely, boys. Ma’am is not something I like to be called. You can call me Pat. Patsy, Patience. Miss or lad. Anything but Ma’am,” you beckoned Lassen down. He frowned but obeyed, leaning down. ”Good las,” you smiled, slinging the boots you tied together by the laces around his neck. Giving his cheek a little pat you smirked before moving away. He paused a wide smile spreading across his face as he straightened up to watch you walk away. ”Also,” you stated, pulling your sniper out of its case. Sliding a magazine into it, you cocked the gun. “We have a large ship off the starboard side,” you said, resting your gun on the roof of the control room. The boys instantly moved to examine it, squinting through the sun. You leaned down, looking through the scope. Seeing the nazi symbol you tisked. ”And they don’t look friendly,” you stated. ”What are we looking at, Patsy?” Gus asked. ”A problem,” you admitted honestly. You took in the large turret gun. “A rather like one at that,” you continued. ”Possibility of being blown to bits at the first sign of aggression?” Gus asked. ”100% Gusly,” you said, looking up from the scope. ”Right well. Hasey how’s your Swedish?” Gus asked. ”Non existing sir,” Hasey admitted. “Accent?” you asked. ”Only the one I was born widh,” he said. ”Right Hasey hidden below deck. Well stay up here, Pat you hide that gun of yours until the times right,” Gus said. ”You know I’m a terrible shot close distance brother,” you said. ”How does that work?” Hasey asked. ”Well the closer someone gets to me, the better the chance of my bullet misses,” you explained. ”You could hide down below,” Gus suggested. You chuckled amused by the suggestion. ”And miss a chance to gut a Nazi?” you laughed, shaking your head. ”Right then. Freddy,” Gus finalized, turning to Freddy with a grin. ”You're going for a swim,”

You watched the small little boat filled with Nazi solider’s trudge up to the boat. ”Stay safe Pat,” he whispered. ”Never,” you grinned. It was always your saying. Every time before you were about to go into something dangerous, he would say it. And you would respond the same way. The small boat pulled up to the side and in it stood a small little angry german. Lassen waited by the opening with his hands on his hips. There was a stale air as you waited. ”Where do you sail from?” from his little wings on his shoulders you assumed he was a Major asked in German. “Er, Sweden,” Lassen’s demeanor seemed to do a complete turn as he played the part of innocent little fisher. ”Do you speak the English?” the Major asked. ”I’m... I’m... Swedish but I speak a little English,” Lassen said. ”We’re coming on board,” The Major stated. They quickly filed onto the vessel the Major ordering the boat to be searched. ”All are welcome. All are welcome,” Lassen now stood next to the steering wheel beckoned them all on as they passed by. You stood by the entrance of the below deck smiled, giving small greetings. ”Even the little one. He can come too. Welcome,” while you could understand why Lassen was so nonchalant about it, you couldn’t muster any more than a smile as the Major stepped up to you, looking you up and down, his eyes shamelessly resting on your chest for a moment longer. But being a woman, his question wasen’t for you. He turned to the boys. ”Why are you here?” The Major asked accusingly. ”Just a little sailing holiday,” Gus said with a rather good Swedish accent. The major hummed, his gaze turning back to you. Where his eyes once again fell to your chest. Seeing the gaze and the discomfort it brought you, Lassen stepped up, placing a hand on the Majors shoulder, drawing his gaze from you. ”A jolly holiday trip,” he said. ”Take your hands off,” the major demanded, his already sour gaze turning more so. While there was little suspicion about it, he didn’t trust them in the slightest. Or perhaps he didn’t like them. ”Papers? Passport?” He asked. Gus pointed to the control room where Lassen reached in and retrieved said forged papers. Your eyes flicked to the man behind you as they searched every part of the boat. Lassen handed them over, “Here you go,” knowing they were well-forged passports. The major wasn’t able to find any fault in them.

”Any other people on the boat?” he asked. ”Just the three of us,” Gus stated with an innocent shake of his head. ”Anybody else down there?” The major called down below deck. ”Nein,” one responced. ”Even so. A lone woman on a ship with two men. Of which she shares no last name to,” The major returned to full height flipping open your passport. Your heart sunk, but you kept your face calm. ”Ah. You see, In Sweden we are a very progressive country. Equality between man and woman is very important to us,” Lassen called. The major hummed again, a sick smile twisting his face. It wasn’t a good enough reason. You could see it. ”Ack, don’t be like that,” you chuckled bashfully. “You will excuse my fiance, he is a little shy. I told him I had never been out to sea before. He surprised me with this little holiday to celebrate our engagement,” you played the blushing bride as you smiled innocently batting your eyelashes. Leaning closer, you whispered. “You know how men are, they would rather roll over dead than admit they have a soft side for their women,” you chuckled. The Major studied you looking for any lies. You could see the clogs ticking in his mind. One more push. You moved your mother’s old wedding band you wore on your middle finger to your enjoyment finger before holding it up wiggling the gold band, it catching the sun and the Major’s eyes. He was convinced. Although he wasn’t happy about what he was convinced of. ”It is a shame you are engaged. If not, we could have taken you aboard for a proper celebration,” The major was a man at sea, had been at sea for a long time. To see a woman in any state would arouse the desires he had not been able to tend to. You could feel the eyes on you, the sicking hunger they all shared for fresh meat. “Perhaps we still will,” he reached up, dragging his fingers down your cheek. You forced a laugh at the disgusting feeling that washed over you as you dropped your cheek, subtly moving away from him. ”Come, come, we have lots to eat...” Lassen stepped up behind him, firmly directing him to the table of food and wine you had set out in hopes to appease them. ”Take your dirty hands off me!” The major snapped. All at once it was like someone had tripped a wire. The soldiers scattered around the deck all trained their gun on you all. Most on Lassen who was harshly shoved back at gun point till he was forced to sit on the ledge by the steering wheel. You yourself was pushed up against the mast. ”And you, put your hands in the air!” The major snapped towards Gus who did what he was ordered. You all held your breath as Gus and Lassen shared a look. There were a few moments of silence before a huffy laughed crept up from Gus. ”Oooh! Ho-Ho!” Lassen quickly caught on laughing as well as he pointed to Gus. “You’re in trouble now! You’ve been a naughty boy!” he teasingly called out as they both broke into drunken laughter. The major glanced down to the almost empty wine bottle. ”I’ll give you 100 francs to shoot him,” Lassen offered. ”Don’t shoot me!” Gus mockingly waved his raised arms. The major looked between them, bewildered. ”He hates Germans. You should really shoot him,” Lassen said. If only the major knew. ”I... I’m sorry. You are very scary,” Gus tried to get his laughter under control as the major debated his life’s decisions.

”Make him walk the plank. He loves wood,” Lassen added. The major then looked to you, who gave a sheepish shrug of your shoulder. Moving past you, he approached Lassen. ”Dirty drunken animal!” he slapped the passports back to his chest. ”Guilty as charged,” Lassen sung with a smirk that had their laughter striking up again. ”Lets get rid of them,” your blood ran cold at the german which you perfectly understood. “Take the woman,” he ordered, his dirty gaze claiming you as his prize. Your hand slipped behind your back, catching your brother’s gaze. He knew you could speak german. And he knew you heard the words whispered. You placed your thumb in the middle of your palm and closed your finger around it. It was a simple enough sign. It meant danger. Not that you needed to pass on the information. ”I carry a can of kerosene for just these sorts of occasions,” he nodded to one of the solider’s who received the spoken of can. “It’s been a while, but the last time someone laughed at me when I boarded their vessel, I gave them the choice. Either swim to shore or take their chances on a burning ship,” the major looked between you all. To all your faces as the smiles left from them. Lassen glanced over his shoulder to the solider pouring kerosene onto the deck. “Hans and I wondered which option they’d choose, death by water or death by fire. Oddly, they chose both,” he smirked. ”They made it until the very last moment, until their hair was on fire,” he commented reaching out to tug a strand of your hair. “And their blistered skin,” his hands trailed down, slipping between your buttons popping the top three and flicking the material open to show the top of your cleavage. “Peeled from their fingers, before they immersed themselves in water in the vain hope of reaching shore,” he hummed in satisfaction taking a moment to admire your bosom before nodding to two of his men who flanked you. The man pouring the kersone did so right over Lassen’s boots.

”One of them sank immediately and perished. But to our amazement, the big one, he showed great spirit. In spite of all the odds...he painstakingly made it to shore,” he moved away from you, focusing on the boys, the kersone spilling over the food you were defiantly going to eat. You looked over the poor destroyed treats running your tongue over your teeth. You could feel your patience getting thin. The boys were getting riled up as well. The cruelness of the Majors story was sickening. ”We followed and cheered him on,” The major feigned encouraged excitement. “And rewarded this impressive achievement with a bullet, to the back, of his head,” Lassen eyes narrowed at the man in front of him. A cruel man. “Isn’t that funny? Why aren’t you laughing?” the major asked. The tension was so thick at that point just about anything could cut it. What did though was a bang, then the sound of bullets firing from below deck. The soldiers erupted in confusion and at the very second Lassen snapped up his arm, lashing out. The knife he gripped with white knuckles slashed clean across the major’s throat. The blood sputtered from the clutched wound, the crimson red running through the pretty white sailor’s uniform. He then turned to the one on his left and did the same. Gus unveiled the gun he had hidden under the table, taking out the soldier who stood on the far front of the ship than the one at the other. You stamped your foot down on the edge of your gun, hidden by a simple rucksack, and the barrel snapped up into your hold. Hoisting it up, you tucked your finger on the trigger, tilting the gun first to the left, hovering it right under the solders chin before blowing his brains into a beautiful burst of red. You then tilted it to the right and did the same. Hasey emerged from below, quickly taking out another two while Gus took out one that ran from around the side. Hasey walked past you as you hoisted your gun up into a proper position, taking out the one that followed him as he took out the remaining soldier on the boarding boat. You all then turned to Lassen as he expertly dispatched the last three with nothing but his knife. He walked past you shoving a solider, all the while stabbing his neck until he went limp. He then shoved him to the side before literally gutting the last one before shoving him over the side of the ship. The solider he had killed moments before hung over over the railing. Reaching down Lassen grabbed the scuff of his pants, lifting it and chucking him over board. All of which Gus watched with a bemused smile and you with an impressed prop of your eyebrow. ”Nice work, Lassen,” Gus cheerily said setting his gun down. With all the danger now disposed of, you let your gun lower.

“Work, looked more like art to me,” you said, Lassen giving you a breathy nod of acknowledgement. ”There’s more where they came from,” he said, gesturing to the war ship behind him. ”Yes,” Gus squinted off. You moved forward, getting yourself ready, resting your gun on the railing as you kneeled. Lassen groaned as he heaved up the dead major with one hand, the other pupating the major’s hand to wave limply. Gus opened his spy glass, looking through it. ”Not sure it’s working, Lassen. The captain looks rather agitated,” Gus stated as Freedy emerged from the sea hoisting himself up onto the boarding boat. ”They’re bringing their guns to bear,” Gus barely finished the sentence when a missile was shot. The boys all looked behind them as the missile exploded into the sea a fair distance from the boat. ”They’ll find their range soon sir,” Hasey warned. ”Freddy, should we be worried?” Gus asked. ”Oh, I don’t think so, sir. It’s a rather large explosive, so I set a rather large fuse. I located the outside of the powder room, so when it goes bang, it really should go bang,” Freddy explanation was finished by another missile firing. ”Closer...” Hesey stated, the worry clear in his voice. ”Taking out the captain won’t stop the missiles,” you stated. ”Bet you a tenner for a cock shot on the captain,” Gus suggested. A split second later you had changed target and pulled the trigger. The shot rang out and you pulled back. Gus chuckled maniacally as the captain doubled over, clutching what remained as blood spattered onto the wall behind him. ”Should be any second now, chaps,” Freddy stated. You had to admit you were getting nervous. They seemed to have their range now. The boys felt it, two nervously shifting from foot to foot. ”Freddy?!” Gus questioned. A moment later the explosive went off, then the powder went off, resulting in a spectacular explosion. You whistled as the wind from the explosion wafted over you all. ”Good work, Frederick,” Gus congratulated him. ”Thank you, Captain. Now, any chance you can tell us what we’re doing here, sir?” he asked. You propped your gun against your shoulder looking at your brother, wondering the exact same thing. ”Dry yourself off, frogman, and I’ll tell you,“ Gus said, collapsing the spyglass. ”The curiosity is eating us all up, sir,” Hasey said.

”So fiance?” Lassen asked as you all waited for Freddy. ”What you didn’t know?” you asked with a half serious expression. ”Lassen you bastard. Didn’t even ask for my blessing,” Gus commented. ”I would have if I had known. I mean, it’s all so sudden. I’ve only met you this morning,” Lassen said gesturing to you. ”Your right. It was a rather long courting period,” you nodded, a smile breaking your face as you couldn’t keep up the act. Hesey watched in amusement at the interaction. ”Do I have any say in the matter?” Lassen asked, raising his eyebrows. ”Course not darling dear,” you grinned. Lassen grinned back, taking note of the funny feeling that stirred within him. The way you called him darling. He liked it very much. Once Freddy had changed, you all gathered around the table all looking to Gus expectantly. Freddy was seated at the table. Hasey leaned against the stairs and Lassen found himself a seat on one of the beds. You sat opposite your brother fiddling with some of the charting instruments. ”I apologize for all the secrecy, chaps. But this is an unsanctioned, unofficial, and unauthorized mission. If we’re picked up by the Brits, we will all go to jail. If we’re picked up by the Germans, torture and death,” Gus explained. Lassens lips twitched up in a a half smirk at the audacity Gus had. You leaned back in your chair. You knew it was going to be a danger. Your brother only ever called on you when he absolutely needed it. ”So, it’s just the four of us, and her then?” You frowned at the slight quip Freddy unknowingly gave. After all he held no malice in his words. ”Five of us, And Captain Appleyard,” Gus said. You perked up at the name of your old friend. ”Granny’s gonna be there?” you asked. The nick name granny came around in a sort of roundabout way. Appleyard = apples = apple pie = granny smith’s apple pies = granny. ”He’s responsible for securing this information. He is, however, in a spot of bother. He is being held by the Germans on La Palma,” you frowned at the news as Gus pointed out the small speck on the map. ”Our first job is to liberate,” Gus stated simply. ”Oh, so, that’s all, is it?” Hasey asked sarcastically. ”No. We need to confirm Appleyard’s intelligence. That’s why there are two more agents on their way to Fernando Po by train, as we speak,” Gus explained. You picked up a measuring instrument, plotting it along the map to ruffly calculate the time it would take to get there. ”Doing what, exactly?” Lassen asked. ”They’ll be ensuring that those ships are filled with supplies, so they’re worth blowing up in the first place,” Gus said. ”I mean any german ship it worth blowing up,” you muttered. ”True but these ships insure and supply the uboats that have been giving us a hard time,” Gus explained. ”No u boats means Americans on British soil and the British feed,” you whispered realizing the importance of such a mission. Gus nodded. The seriousness of it all sunk in to the group. ”So no pressure, then?” you stated with a bright smile.

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Masterlist =Here=

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#anders lassen #anderslassenxreader #gus march phillips #the ministry of ungentlemanly warfare #tmouw #tmouwxreader #tmouw x reader #ungentlemanly warefare #alan ritchson #anders lassen x reader

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popculturebuffet · 18 days ago

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Top 12 Films of 2024

Hello all you happy people! This is something i've wanted to do for YEARS, and finally had the space for, a look at my faviorite films each year. I love making lists and since joining Letterboxd a few years ago it's thorughly endulged that love. But it also got me to fall in love with film and made my journey through horror that started with IT and is still ongoing a blast.

2024 was a neat year in film, and one where a lot of the big tentpole franchises were absent and while we got a bunch of sequels, it's a weird mix of ones that were ineveitble like Deadpool and Wolverine, Maxxine, a new alien, sonic 3, and weird suprises: I mean this year gave us an omen prequel, a soft reboot of planet of the apes, the return of twister and beetlejuice, and the grand return of Wallace and Gromit. For every sequel that was fortold in the scrolls, there was one that while announced long ago still felt like a suprise.

And that's the best way to describe this year: a nice suprise. While ther'es films I expected tobe great and were like Monkey Man or Dune part 2, there's a lot of nice little suprises: I didn't expect Transformers One to be a gorgeous epic, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice ot be so damn fun, or Wicked to be every bit as good as a John M Chu film deserves to be. And I don't think anyone who wasn't already aware of it expected hundreds of beavers, but damn if I didn't enjoy it.

Speaking of enjoying, I got to enjoy more films than ever. In years past I had to rely on having someone to go with me, usually my mom, the rest of my family on a whole family outing or my best friend cory. But having moved to a place close to a movie theater last year, there were plenty I could just go walk up to and enjoy. There are a few also rans like Imaginary, the worst film of the year I saw (I havne't put myself through the sony spider-man films from this year yet), or the disapointing ministry of ungentlemanly warefare, but I also got to see the gloriously gay Love Lies Bleeding when it was there for the week, the moody and atmosphereic the watchers, the also pretty dang gay the bikedriders, the wonderfully greasy Maxxine, the tense as hell Alien Romulus, the even more disturbing now we know it was a documentary about P.Diddy Blink Twice, the glorious and once again gloriously gay Transformers One, the thriller that was better than it had any right to be speak no evil, the Hugh Grantastic Heretic, and of course Sonic 3: 2 Many Jim Carries.

It was a hell of a year and while you can see what I choose you can find out who made it where on the list , honorable mentions, and other reasons to hurl things at me if you ever meet me under the cut!

12. Will and Harper (Directed by Josh Greenbaum)

Will and Harper is a film that thrives off vibes, friendships, and genuine warmth. It follows Will Ferrel who you may know from such films as Anchorman, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues and Anchorman 3: We Both Know He's Going to Do This At Some Point and his best friend Harper Steele. Harper was a writer for him on SNL a hard drinking party person.. and a closted Trans woman, something they finally came to terms with and came out as recently and something the documentary dives into.

Will's first response is what anyone's first response should be: That's great! Good for you. But while Will is entirely supportive he's also lost in both how to be a good ally and and how to tackle their friendship so he has a wonderful suggestion: a road trip. Harper loved doing those but now has to navigate the relaity of going to roadside dives and other places where she may not feel safe and jumps at the idea, packing tons of cheep beer and pringles.

The trip is a fun one as it dosen't overplay it.. it just.. humanizes and goes into the reality of Harper's life: how free she feels, how her kids feels, and just treats her like a person. It dosen't ignore the reality of being a trans person in a company on the cusp for voting a transphobic facist back into office, Harper goes into a bar herself knowing she might be in danger but wanting to see if she can (And having her emotinal support will ferrel on standbye) and even HAVING will there or a camera crew dosen't protect her: a visit to a texas steak house goes horribly wrong with Will assering her gender.. leading ot everyone turning on him, tons of horrible online comments and the implicit guarnatee the cameras , while protecting them, were barely doing that for a change and WIll feeling guilty.

Harper Steele isn't a purse dog. She's not Will Ferrel's trans friend to say she has one. She's a human being and despite being not as famous as her best friend, the film treats them on equal footing and shows why they are: they rib each other, make jokes, have weird runners (including Will really wanting to go to Dunkin in a way that feels less like product placement and more like Will Ferrel just loves duncan donuts). Harper is a no nonsense woman happy to live her life and to see she can still do the things she loves, while Will is the good natured goofus you'd expect from a man whose spent a scene every movie or two running around in his undies. Harper is both not who will knew and exactly every bit the person he knew, simply a happier fuller version of herself. It's simply two friends hanging out and in doing so shows to people who may of rejected Harper out of hands what most of you reading this already knows: Trans people are just.. people. Nothing less and treating them like anyone else isn't that hard. Nor is it hard to support someone as they transition. You just have to be willing to learn and willing to see them as who they really are. I did it for my sister, and Will Ferrel did it for his best friend.

11. Wallace and Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl (Directed by Merlin Crossingham and Nick Park, W by Mark Burton)

I reviewed this one just a few days ago so I won't take long here: Vengance Most Fowl is a fun long awaited return of everyone's faviorite duo packed with a masterfull thought out plot, tons of call backs that feel nicely seeded in for more than just nostalgia, and some really damn fine jokes. Check it out if you haven't. In a year this bad it was the cup of tea we all needed.

10. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (Directed by Wes Ball, Written by Josh Friedman) This is one of those trailers i got in front of damn near everything, similar to Speak No Evil for the rest of the year. And like Speak No Evil despite trailer fatigue this film fucking slapped. Kingdom is a breathtaking adventure mostly content to just show off it's world: generations after the previous trilogy, itself a high bar that this flim clears, Apes rule over the earth, Ceaser is but a legend and one young ape finds his entire villiage kidnapped and takes off on horseback to go find him. Along the way he finds a human friend, tales of the past, and the hard truth that the past rarely stays buried and conflict is sadly cyclical. I won't spoil much more for this one if you haven't seen it. It's a gorgeous little odessy that just warms my heart every time I think of it with vial lessons on history and how it can be twisted by both those with good intentions and those with the worst and how some will always think something belongs only to them. It's a fantastic film and a fantastic new direction for a franchise I wasn't sure should keep going but damn if Wes Ball proved me wrong.

9. Wicked (DR: John M Chu, W: Winnie Holzman and Dana Fox) Wicked was the loudest suprise of the year. I knew it was coming and as it approached barely any films didn't have the trailer, the marketing was everywhere but I wasn't expecting much. I HOPED it'd be good as director John M Chu had previously directed one of my faviorite films, In the Heights.. which I just realized I haven't revisited since it came out AND need to review sometime.

But thanks to WBD's bungling was criminally underappreciated at release. Thankfully Chu's success here means not only will more people likely check it out but the man can do whatever he wants. Whatever he wants apparently includes Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for some reason but I mean... if anyone can get me to watch that it's him.

I liked him. I like Ariana Grande (Least as a performer), Michelle Yeoh and i'll watch anything with Jeff Goldblum. But the idea of sitting through a nearly three hour musical based on a musical I had no attachment to beyond defying gravity and a love of it's initial leads (Who get a truly god tier cameo I won't spoil), and a property I really never vibed with in general aside from thinking The Great and Powerful Oz was kinda okay. It seemed like it'd be FINE, but it didn't seem like the successor I really wanted after enjoying his direction for Crazy Rich Asians and ADORING In the Heights.

Yeah Wicked is fucking phenominal. A lot of it is in it's not so secret weapon, Cynthia Ervio. While I hadn't heard of her she was already well seasoned having done tons of stage work, and been nominated for an oscar for playing Harriet Tubman. It shows as she sinks into Elphelba beautifully, portraying someone both not giving a fuck what everyone thinks.. but also underneath deeply bothered by how her green skin ostracises her from the world. Ervio is a fucking revelation and i'm shocked it took this long for her to break out but better late than never as she owns this film.

Ariana Grande dosen't do too shabby either, making it clear no one else in this day and age could play Glinda with the right mix of alpha bitch, bubble headeness and big heart hidden underneath both. Everyone in this film brings it but these two are it's anchor: it's their story after all and everything rotates around them. Still special kudos to Peter Dinklage who like Jeff Goldblum could get me to watch anything and Dinklage has been in a LOT of garbage.. that i'd still watch. He may only voice professor dillamond but he brings dignity and majesty to the goat and makes the plight of the animals all too painful and real.. and given the times we're in a group being slowly shoved out to slowly elimated them because of one man's prejudice is all too painfully relevant.

I hadn't heard of Jonathan Bailey but damn if he dosen't ooze charm, sex and hidden depths. You can tell from early on his playboy facade is a bit of a put on, something to protect him from the world.. and something slowly slipping as he finds someone who rather than let him dance through life, has him think.

There's a LOT to say about this film I might one day. For now it's just fucking brilliant. It's a film that justfies the split into two films, something that would hurt a lot of musicals and why most have to be compressed into one film, but here works. Not just because of a time skip I hear comes in act 2, but to build out this gorgeous world. The musical numbers aren't super spread out so you don't forget i'ts a musical but the extra time is used to give everything some depth and color. And also even more gay than the apparent truckload already there. This film is gay as fuck and comes off as a love triangle between three people all in love with each other and also Bok's there but doesn't really count. It's a film that's queer, timely and lovely and if you somehow haven't tried it, it's well worth the time investment. If a film that's very sapphic and has peter dinklage as a wise sad goat isn't for you I dont' know how you ended up here.

8. Saturday Night (DR: Jason Reitman W: Reitman and Gil Kenan)

It's the 50th anniversary of SNL this year and the celebration started early with a powerhouse season that includes the greatest song about karening ever

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It also contained this film. And while some haven't enjoyed it (Including one of my idols and snl expert Nathan Rabin), I couldn't help but love this film. Is Saturday Night historically innacurate as fuck? Probably. It squeezes in every antecdote about the show's history it can into the 90 minutes before it went live, adds shit for drama and definitely mythologizes the show. The only thing I can say for certain is Chevy Chase was defintely an asshole and that's not exactly something hard to get conformation on.

As a film though.. it's straight fire. It's a pressurey 90 minutes as John Baptistes perfect soundtrack really sells the pressure: our hero Lorne Micheals, a truly once in a lifetime sentence, has to cobble the show together clashing with his own overwrought vision, tension with his creative partner and wife in name only Rosie (played by an awesome Rachel Senoit whose films I'm long overdue to watch) and the various shenanigans of his casts and writers from Micheal Odonghue being that asshole, to Chevy Chase's massive ego, to John Belshi beliving he's too good for this, there's lot of egos, cocaine and chaos to go around. It's a tight 90 minute film: not a minute is wasted. Even squeezing Milton Burle in to play off his infamous hosting gig feels right.. mainly because it's JK Simmons. JK Simmons can do no wrong.

The film does do some. While the historicla innacuracy dosen't bother me how it brushes off their treatment of Jim Henson at times is. I've covered the Land of Gorch Sketches and sadly reports Jim would be a punchine were accurate as the cast mistreating him, refusing to write for him and being dicks to him is just kinda played off when them having to write for him was not Jim's fault. It's not fun watching a bunch of dickheads bully or brush off your own personal jesus who just wants to make people happy. Thankfully he does get a really nice monologue in an elevator with a blood soaked lorne micheals so it evens out a little.

The film is just fun with Lemone Morris getting a nice bit as Garret Morris , and tons of nice little moments among the chaos. It also has Willam Defoe whose a tad wasted as "grumpy exec man they convince their right to", but I feel less bad about it by this point as thankfully someone else knew how to use their Willam Defoe better. It'd be really neat if that was the next entry but instead have...

7. Hundreds of Beavers (DR: Mike Chesik W: Chesik and Ryland Brickson Cole Tews)

Hundreds of Beavers was a nice suprise.. and a film i'm shocked no one told about me sooner. It's essentially a looney tunes sketch mixed with a lets play and a silent movie, a genre the film made me genuinely curious about. My love of looney tunes and impatient wait for a new film (which we'll be getting next year), made this an easy sell: I love good old slapstick and an ambitious indie film that was screened in 2022 but properly came out this year so i'm countin it for this one suck it letterboxd, it was catnip for me.

And it's damn good. Also free on Tubi. It's a simple story: a hapless applejack bootleger in pioneer times looses his booze to some beavers and has to survive in the wilderness and learn to hunt. That's the film. Just one dumbass trying to survive against a whole wilderness of creatures smarter than him and slowly ranking up as he gets more tools either from a local furrier who hates him (his daughter's sweet on our hero at least), a native who gladly trades with him or a wise mentor whose dogs play poker. The film is packed with great sight gags, runners and just plane invention. Ther'es truly nothing like it and had the castle bit not dragged a little, it'd be way higher. And that's the faintest critcism I can give. Hundreds of Beavers is fucking awesome and makes a dumbass fighting a bunch of animals represneted by furries into the greatest thing ever. It's the best comedy in years and proof the medium just needs more of a push.

6. Nosferatu (D and W: Robbert Eggers)

I hadn't seen any of Robbert Eggers films before this, but I love me a good vampire story. I also liked this year's Abbigail and need to watch more vampy goodness in general, but damn if Nosferatu didn't end this year on a high and finally push me to stop procastinating on the Lighthouse. I mean I still haven't got to it but i'm a slow ass motherfucker sometimes.

I waited to see if this flim made the list, as while I missed many a great film in 2024 I need to catch up on (Longlegs, I Saw the TV Glow, The Substance), this thankfully wasn't one of them. Nosferatu is a gothic horror film in every since, a slow build that's worth it. Having watched the kill count on the original (and now badly wanting to watch the original) it follows it closely plot wise, adding a few pivots like adding in it's own van helsing equivlent.

Nosferatu is a moody, horny film, where a dark monster stalks a woman he claimed years ago when she was a teen and dosen't get how fucking vile that is. There's some fucking, a lot of gyration and a lot of morphine for said gyration because this is the turn of the century and women having orgasms was dark and scary to the menfolk. Except Willam Defoe who eats the entire set as the aformentiond Van Helsing Equilvent who is unabashed about beliving a demon did this and gets to dance in flame towards the climax. I won't ruin the context, but I belivie anyone who wouldn't be at least midlly curious about William Defoe cackling madly while surrounded by flames just plain dosen't exist.

Defoe though is a good side dish: the main stars are Lily Rose Depp, who spends the first half comotose, being stalked by Nosferatu (aka count orlock but nosferatu is funner to type), giving out sleep orgasms or being possesed by the count, but gets to stand up for herself in the second half brilliantly and thorughly owns the screen.

The other is horror legend Bill Skaarsgard of IT fame who manages to rack up another iconic horror role. Nosferatu here isn't a man despite an impressive mustache, but pure evil itself, a type of character that's hard to pull off. I prefer a complex villian.. but if you can make one that's just pure pants wetting terror and pull if off you have my repspect and Nosferatu is the most terrifying villian i've encountered in horror. A deep rich voice that commands you to look even when you'd rather look away, a hypnotic horrifying voice. He's often in shadow but when seen he's often a corpse, a THING with the ears and silloutte, something that APPEARS human but instead jsut preys on us. He only cares about getting what he claims is his and will murder , spread plauge and kill anyone who says otherwise.

Thankfullyt he film avoids being anti immigrant propogranda; the supserstious townsfolk seen as goofy little guys in most films are absolutely right and while terrifed of Orlok the only ones who can combat him, while Willem Defoe's character is also an immigrant and the only one of the men who dosne't infantalize lead lady elizabeth. Nosferatu isn't pure evil because he's a corpse man but because he himself as man, as a vampire is a bastard, a true monster and pure terror. Every time he was on screen I was uncomfortable and needed to leave the theater after at least twice. Skaarsgard is just that fucking chilling.

Nosferatu is a film that's both deeply gorgeous, with tons of snow dappled vistas and god tier shots, and not afraid to be hammy with our reinfeld equilvent being a world class ham and Defoe .. well I mentioned the shouting while surrounded by flames didn't I? This film is still in theaters at the time of this review and well worth the 15 bucks.

5. Dune Part Two (DR: Dennis Villenueve W: Villenueve and John Spaihts)

I was amped for Dune Part Two and it did not disapoint. I had some reservations as while I liked the scope and grandeure of part one with fantastic visuals and a deft peformance by Timothee Chalamet. But while I liked it both watching it at home day and date and the reptitive desert visuals in the second half detracted from it's strong world that even if it didn't explain it, felt lived in and intresting enough for me to come back.

And i'm glad I did as Part 2 is fucking triumpuhant, easily earning Villeneuve his third movie and hopefully his second oscar nomination. Part 2 takes the excellent setup from the first time around and gets off running turning what could easily be both a chosen one narrative and a whtie savior narrative into a deconstruction of both: this skinny white teenager coming in and being their messiah isn't a good thing for him or them. It's a roll he dosen't want as Paul has seen it ends in an interstellar genocide, a Jihad with no end that brings peace through tyranny.

And that dread is what drives the film: Paul badly wants to avoid being a mass murderer. As you do. But outside of his girlfriend Chani, played excellently by Zendaya who gets to do way more this go round and plays the sole voice of reason, everyone from his mother to his new best friend to even his mentor are begging him to escalate the war: to end the Harkkonens and the Empire. It's a pile of motherly protectivness, cultish religious fevor and pure uncut vengance that pushes Paul closer and closer to his dark fate. It's what happens when the chosen ones path isn't saving the world or being a bright hero.. but being death destroyer of worlds.

The rest isn't too shabby. Florence Pugh gets a lot of neat stuff to do as Irulan while Austin Butler won my enternal respect as the bestial, horrifying and nightmarish Fade Rathua, with the arena scene being peak film for me. Part 2 is a masterful work that manages to make what would be hopeful in any othe rfilm, our hero ascending and getting ready to fight his enemies, into a true nightmare as he fully succumbs to a bloody genocide and Chalamee makes it a truly chilling finale that will no doubt lead to a perfect conclusion to this trilogy.

4. The Fall Guy (D: David Leitch, W: Drew Pierce)

The Fall Guy's failure at the box office is the biggest box office tragedy for me since In the Heights... it wouldn't be the last one for me this year either. For whatever reason, Audiences just didn't go see this one despite a dynamite cast and David Leitch's excellent track record. It's failure still baffles me as the Fall Guy is a perfectly made action comedy.

The Fall Guy is at once a romantic comedy about a loveable himbo who after a massive tragedy ghosts the love of his life and now has to win her back after his agent tricks him into working on her directoral debut. Add in Hannah Waddingham as said manipulative agent Bryan Tyree henry as his best friend, stunt cordinator and for part of the film sidekick, a good boy he finds along the way and adopts, and Aaron Taylor Johnson as the arrogant star of the film he has to find to save it and you have a true comedy classic that also kicks loads of ass. The stunts are all excellent, owning to Leitch's own stunt background while also being reverent to the sheer work it takes to make a blockbluster. It's a blockbuster about the craft and a love letter to all the people we rarely think about who make our faviorite films. It's funny, action packed and has Ryan Gosling in another amazing performance after Ken. It dosen't top Ken, there's no grand musical number for unless you count sobbing out taylor swift in his car, but it's a tremendous film that i'll defintely watch again. It may of not won the box office's hearts but it certainly won mine.

3. The Wild Robot (D and W: Chris Sanders)

Now for a film that got the box office it deserved and more. The Wild Robot was a film I was worried about once I realized "Wait the animals talk".. and then realized I was stupid for that as not only are talking animals rad, but the film ended up being a gorgeous fable about an autistic coded Robot's journey to find herself while raising a duckling she orphaned with her common law husband whose also a fox but is also Pedro Pascal so he defintely fucks.

The Wild Robot is a simple story told gorgeously, with painted cgi that really adds to that storyboook vibe, giving the film a look that just takes hold of you. Full disclosure: I missed a chunk of the early part of the film because I stupidly didn't get my concesions durin gthe previews, and I still loved this film and will happily rewatch it when it streams this week. It's a gentle, amazing tale about accepting our diffrences, finding yourself and letting go of your child so they can find themselves. There are so many layers to this thing and it more than deserves a full review at some point. Lupita Nyongo gives a career best performance, and the ending sets us up for a sequel that we're thankfully getting. It was a gamble.. but it paid off and in any other year it might've been the best animated film of the year, certainly the best film starring robots... however

2. Transformers ONE (DR: by Josh Cooley, W by Eric Pearson, Andrew Berrar and Gabriel Ferrari)

This one's going to hopefully be brief as I wrote a LENGTHY review of this masterpiece when it came out. I went into ONE with mildly positive expectations and came out of it utterly floored. One is an epic tale of love, loss, fighting against a society that uses you, finding yourself (I Know, again), and two friends and probably lovers divdied by their nature and the truth of their world. It's a fucking masterpiece and i've said that before on this list i'm sure but this is true. It's a shame even more than Fall Guy this one flopped as it wasn't it's fault: unlike Rise of the Beasts and the long string of live action failures (bumblbeee excluded) , this film is everything transformers can and should be and while it didn't succeed the way it shoudl've, it'll forever hold as a classic, a shining sci fi epic in the old style but with modern writing. It's a gorgeous masterwork that begs to be watched again and again and uses familiar frameworks to tell a film that made me feel like a kid again. It's what the star wars prequels felt like as a kid instead of what they are. It's so dang good.

So before we get to the one film that could topple something this perfect the honorable mentions

Honorable Mentions:

Maxxine: Plotwise i'ts a bit of a mess but this film thrives on vibes and still closes out the trilogy on a high note. Goth once again delivers an astounding perfomrance. Plus it has Kevin Bacon as a sleazy detective really loving his villian era.

Heretic: Speaking of Villian eras Hugh Grant plays the emobidment of intellectual superiorist assholes to a hilt, being both creepy and intemidating but also letting cracks show in his intellegence and era of menace and superiority like imitating jar jar binks, being that guy whose mad someone dosen't get his refrence and freestyling to Radiohead's creep.

Speak No Evil: Look i'ts James Macavoy, my macaboy, as an uhinged serial killer trapping people with politness who also loudly belts Gloria. I'm not made of stone

Big City Greens; Spacecation: Another one I reviewe d in full and one that was very close to actually making the list a few times. A cult classic in the making. Check it out even if you haven't seen the show.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga; Beautifully shot with an all time performance from both Taylor-Joy and Hemsworth. A true odessy.

Inside Out 2: how it was made was throughly shitty and Disney needs to stop treating Pixar like shit, and trans people. And queer people in general. And just people. A good film despite Disney sucking hard

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice: Is this film a bunch of plots loosely connected by a paperclip and a piece of string? Yes. Does it have Willam Defoe as a cheesy 80's actor whose now a cop for real but still acts like a cheesy character actor? Fuck yes. It's got a stacked cast, great jokes and a great way out of using a pedophile's likeness. It's a messy good time.

Abigail: A bit slow to start but damn does it land. radio silence really cannot make a bad film.

The First Omen: Good intense gripping stuff. Far surpasses the original.

LOTR: War of the Rohirrim: Look there should be more films where , Brian Cox punches a lot of people to death with his bare hands.

Wicked Little Letters: Lower on my list but damn did this one become a sneaky good time.

Alien Romulus: Got me into the alien franchise again. nuff said

So onto our grand winner...

1... Monkey Man ( DR: Dev Patel, W: Patel, Paul Angunawela and John Colee)

This film has held a grip on me since I watched it and is one I badly need to rewatch again. Monkey Man is a film that holds you the whole time even when you take a break, an intense film that never lets you leave our hero or his situation: The Kid is a downtrodden young waiter and fighter who can take a thousand hits and get back up and wants vengance on the elite motherfuckers who burned down his villiage, killed his mom. It's a simple motivation but you can feel that flame the whole time as he works his way up, how he carefully plots his revenge.. only for it to go sideways. Yet it's what drives him at first. It's only by finding fellow outcasts in a group of Hiraja, indian trans and intergender (and according to wikipedia eunchs), who gladly let him train... mostly because he looks damn good with a shirt off but also because their kind and he returns that kindness to save their temple before resuming the rampage.

The plot is simple.. thredbear.. but it works on pure emotion. You follow the kid thorugh every step, every beat as he punches, gets punched and stabbed, trains and then goes back for the grand finale with an army of new friends showing up to back his ass up. It's a film with a lot to say, teaching me a lot about indias inequality and issues and showing sometimes when gradual change won't work, one person can make that change by any means necessary. It's a film with a lot to say, while also being a visual treat. This is Patel's first time directing but youc annot tell with frantic perfect cuts, dripping neon atmosphere and tons of fantastic set pieces. Monkey Man dosen't stop burning till the last frame and won't stop burning in my heart. It's a film taking queues from many , some I'v eseen some I haven't, but all it's own. It's a tale of social justice wrapped in two savage fists and I'm all here for it. More please mr patel.

Thanks for reading, and remember, i'm pullin for ya we're all in this together.

#the fall guy #wicked #dune part 2 #2024 #film #monkey man #the wild robot #hundreds of beavers #wallace and gromit #vengance most fowl #Youtube #kingdom of the planet of the apes #saturday night #transformers one #will and harper

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