#unfortunately i am bad at games so i doubt ill survive

[brain-squid]

finished Darkwood; good game, changed my brain chemistry, you should play it

I'll be back when I have saved my boy

[system-of-a-feather]

Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

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Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

[kat-hawke]

Preparations

(Following [Returning Home] & [Cover to Cover, for You and I])

The greater part of Kat's afternoon had been spent in the hidden basement level of her home, hunched over the workbench with various materials scattered around her. Things were both procured and stolen from Mechagon, Zandalar, and Kul Tiras. Most notably of which was the sack of powdered azerite with the Ashvane logo printed on the front. The second being the mechanical hand, half disassembled and modified to fit over her own like a gauntlet.

At a slow and deliberate pace, Kat repaired the leather bracers around her wrist. She was dragging the thread through powdered azerite as the mechanical hand stitched the tears together with inhuman precision. The old runic seals were systematically replaced, re-etched in the leather, and imbued with the azerite powdered before completion. While she worked, she could feel the subtle pulls of emotion from the dagger at her thigh; Alyssa was no doubt watching her soul and every reaction. Kat could feel her hunger for power each time she touched the azerite, and the fluxes in her soul with each prod of the bracers.

Dismissing the other woman's emotions, Kat pressed on. These preparations had to be completed. The bracers were not an option in her life anymore.

As she worked, memories of the dream-like state of her coma replayed, the final one in particular. 'We had a deal — I will get what is owed.' The voice of Erzis echoed over and over in her head as she questioned where the void-born being escaped to and what havoc it was causing. Kat refrained from going to the cave Erzis had been bound to since her return.

Sprinkling another pinch of powdered azerite into a new seal on the bracer, Kat's thoughts were interrupted by Alyssa's abrupt interjection.

"By the time this whole thing ends, I might be hooked on the stuff too.  Riley used it to fuel me."

Kat looked over at the bottles of liquid azerite as she paused her work. "Didn't just have her murder people?"

"Just one," Alyssa answers honestly, "and that was to test its effect on the piece of soul you left me."

"Well, probably for the better then. We don't need a bigger mess than what we already have." Pursing her lips as she returned to work, Kat moved a magnifying glass over the bracer to inspect the finer details for imperfections.

"Yeah, I'm trying to ease back my kill count," Alyssa's tone a bit sardonic. "I also hadn't met Riley before, didn't know anything about her or what I could ask...to save you though, she was game for anything it took."

A smile pulled across Kat's lips as she responded over the telepathic connection. "That doesn't surprise me. She and I are alike in a few ways, stubbornness and determination among them. Riley's had my back, and I've had hers for a while now. Come a long way from hardly trusting each other when we first met." Glancing off to the side, Kat looked to the damaged set of custom armor. "I guess, in a way, she'd been keeping me safe for years. Still feel bad about nearly bleeding out on her floor, though."

"Got the sense of that. She cares a lot. I'm glad I got to work with her. If anyone else were going to have the dagger, I'd trust it to be her."

"You'd have loved it if Sarah had found the dagger." Kat teased, realizing how accustomed she had become to having Alyssa's voice always around. She didn't linger on the thought, returning her focus to infusing the bracers.

"She'd have thrown me into the ocean first chance she got, I bet. Think she'd have been glad to no longer have me in the world."

"Sarah? Never." Kat's sarcasm was painfully obvious. "She might have used you as a prop in one of her shows. You could have been famous. If you ever made your presence known to her, that is."

"If she'd been the one to find the dagger, I would've," Alyssa replies after a pause of consideration. "I would've taken anyone I could get to try and save you."

"Mhm. Well, she should remain in her bubble of naivety."

"Agreed."

"The less she knows th—" Pain seared against the flesh and cut Kat's sentence short. A miscalculation resulted in the azerite burning through the leather, reaching the skin below.

"What's wrong?" Alyssa inquired in a flash of concern.

"Nothing," Kat grunted out as she removed the mechanical gauntlet from her hand to aptly strip the bracer from her wrist.

Alyssa's exasperation was palpable in the connection. "What caused you pain."

"I burned myself, it's fine."

"Your aura's been doing interesting things for the last while.  What are you working on?" Alyssa probed further.

"Fixing the bracers you broke," Kat stated, careful not to allow emotion into the thought as the leather was pulled from her wrist, the crudely carved and scarred over rune in her flesh exposed. Immediately she felt the effects of her waring soul threatening to become unstable. The unstable sensation was short-lived as Alyssa interfered, and Kat suddenly felt ill. Vision blurred, and the stomach churned, cold sweat began to collect on her brow.

"I don't remember breaking them. I remember that they broke." 

"I remember warning you they would break after you got all hocus pocus in there and damaged them the first time." Only a faint hint of spite touched her tone as a palm pressed against the workbench to keep her stable. "Whatever you just did, I am not enjoying it."

"I remember we might both be dead if I didn't.  It's not like I 'hocus pocus' for the fun of it." Alyssa promptly replies. "I imagine this isn't comfortable, but it will hold things until the bracer is in place again. Your soul really doesn't like to be...wrangled? Is that the word?"

"I don't care to be wrangled either. I've had hangovers more enjoyable than whatever this is." Curled knuckles lifted to Kat's lips, feeling as if she was going to vomit.

"You'll like this better than what it feels like if your soul rips itself in half, I bet."

"I can at least manage that, thank you." Kat spat back as she hastily and carelessly wrapped a single layer of bandage around the burn. With another disoriented sway, she had to grip the edge of the workbench, taking a deep breath to steady herself and fasten the bracer back on her wrist without hesitation.

Abruptly shifting the topic, Kat inquired, "Can you manage excess energy any better now?" 

"I don't expend much energy, nor take much in since then, so I don't know the answer,"  Alyssa replies honestly as her magic faded, and Kat's head cleared again.

That wasn't the answer Kat was hoping for. Turning to face the sack of powdered azerite, she pulled the dagger from its sheath as she stood. "Well, then. This is probably going to be unpleasant."

"What am I bracing for?" Alyssa asked in concern.

"Remember the Vale?" Kat looked down at the glowing engravings upon the dagger's blade. The pang of pain twisted her gut as she thought back to the time the blade went dormant.

"I used the most powerful Pandaren soul we had to restart your soul."

"That's unfortunate..." Kat trailed off. It was a minor detail, but no longer critical. "I meant the fight when I...thought I killed you."

"You're talking about the amount of energy that you used me to deflect?" Alyssa was seeking clarification, still concerned.

"Before that?" Suddenly Kat realized she was having trouble recalling the order of events as if the memory had been damaged. "You did something to cause a swell of energy, which I surged over the dagger."

"Oh..." Alyssa replies, she sounds more sheepish and less sure now. “I did something someone like me never should. I channeled the Light."

"Interesting," Kat says in that way, indicating she would revisit the subject at a later time. "You won't need to do that, I don't think, and I'd rather not experience that level of pain again, even if it was enjoyable." She quickly skips over that admittance. "It's the level of power in the attack I'd rather focus on."

"Okay...power I can do. The negative side effects on me had more to do with the Light's effects on me. I should be able to handle that level in magics I'm more comfortable with."

Kat pulled her lips inward as she looked from the dagger to the pile of powder, spinning the handle over in her hand for a downward plunge. "Just think of it as training." Without any real warning, the blade was buried in the azerite, and Kat took a step, arms crossing over her chest as she stared at the exposed handle.

She knew that any confrontation with Erzis would result in a fight, and she knew that in their current state, Alyssa would likely be a collateral casualty if the blade made contact with the lesser void lord. Kat could remember stabbing the faceless in the Vale, and the resulting destruction she was able to reap with the dagger. It was both the level of power and reassurance Alyssa could survive she wished to recreate.

Minutes passed as Kat chewed her lower lip, watching the teal glow of the engravings flicker with blue and gold hues. In Kul Tiras, they had coated their blades with the same powder; this would have the same result in theory. Once the azerite around the blade turned a pale gray, Kat yanked the dagger free.

"How do you feel?" She quickly asked.

"Dazed," Alyssa's voice was garbled, hard to make out. "Drunk."

Not precisely what Kat was expecting.

"On a scale of one to ten, how equal is this to the instance in the vale?"

"I'm conscious," Alyssa replies, still sounding a bit out of it. "Eight?"

"Can you expel any of the energy?" Kat watched as the flicker along the dagger engravings became less frantic.

"Out of the dagger?" Sounding foggy, Alyssa was trying to follow the question.

Kat rolled her eyes, patience wearing thin. "No. Into the nether..." 

Almost immediately after her sarcastic quip, the glow of the dagger suddenly swelled. Kat's eyes widened as strands of her hair lifted with the palpable energy in the air. Panicked, she turned around, making an effort swing the dagger towards the empty stone wall, but it was too late. The excess energy erupted from the dagger, scorching the wall and sending Kat tumbling to the floor in the opposite direction.

The sound of the dagger bouncing on the floor couldn't be heard over the ringing in Kat's ears. Dazed and disoriented, she slowly pushed herself back up, grunting as she held what was likely a bruised rib or two. Staggering her way across the basement, she scooped the dagger up off the floor.

"Okay," Kat grunted in pain, "not what I was planning."

"Sorry," Alyssa replies, "could barely hold it."

"It's fine. I'm used to it." Kat breathed out a faint sigh of relief upon hearing Alyssa's reply. "How do you feel?"

"Disoriented, confused. The last few minutes are a blur...I feel like I have a hangover." 

"That's better than dead." Kat attempted at humor as she approached the powdered azerite once more. "Ready to try again?"

"Are we in an open space?"

"Open enough." Kat looked over at the scorched wall.

"Hit me then. Tell me now what you want me to do with it, though."

"In the Vale I swept the energy over the dagger in a wide swing. The resulting wave cleaved everything within its path in half." Kat paused, speculating something. "Trying to recreate that, but something is different here."

"Maybe it wasn't the Light I was thinking of..." Alyssa attempted to recall the event. "This was when you gave me the azerite?"

"I wanted the power, and you were hesitant to give it. I remember panicking when you did, then the attack." Kat walks Alyssa through it. "I remember the pain, the amount of power, and I remember pushing it back over the blade."

"You were fighting the Faceless." 

"I was, yeah." 

Alyssa went quiet for a moment as Kat continued to stand over the powder. "Even if we figure this out, it won't matter anymore once I'm not in it."

Kat skips right over that comment, a thought she didn't want to entertain. Her paranoia and fear of betrayal kept her up at night as it was.

"The difference is that I pushed the energy over, or through, you. Because you passed it to me after I stabbed the faceless." She spoke as if having a revelation, looking down at the blade as it all suddenly made sense.

"I don't know if it was ours. I saw the city. It could have been an offering of power to tempt us." Alyssa paused a moment before moving on. "Let's try again then. I'll store the energy and siphon it into you."

Without a second thought, Kat buried the dagger into the powder a second time, letting go of the handle and taking a step back. Just as before, the teal glow within the engravings flickered with the subtle blue and golden hues of the azerite.

Watching with bated breath, Kat chewed on her thumbnail, mind racing as Alyssa's single comment effectively sent her paranoid thoughts into motion. The fear of abandonment ripping into her gut as she considered the possibility of a whole-again Alyssa walking out, or even turning the dagger against her. For a brief moment, she contemplated the option of using the trapped soul as payment for Erzis, to change the terms of their deal and cut off any plans of betrayal.

Shaking her head and returning to the present, Kat dismissed the dangerous lines of thought and reached out to pull the dagger from the now depleted azerite. "You okay?"

"Mmm..." Alyssa sounded more dazed than the first time, but she alive.

"Still better than dead." Stated simply before Kat siphoned energy from the dagger.

The sensation of which felt intoxicating. The swell of power and numbness to the brain as pure power flowed from her fingers and over the bracers, which fortunately held. She could feel Alyssa attempting to control the flow of energy, but Kat practically inhaled it all at an alarming rate. 

The pain of the overcharge was nothing new for Kat, but every time felt like the first. As if her skin would tear to shred and energy would pour from every wound. Eyes burned and felt as if they'd burst under pressure, the pained howl she screamed out always did little to mitigate the pain. If Alyssa had said something, she couldn't hear it. 

Kat lunged forward without hesitation, sweeping the dagger in a wide arc and forcing the excessive swell of energy back over the blade. Just as it had in the Vale in a line of pure power was sent out in a wave, cleaving several feet through the stone wall of the basement and the earth behind it.

A pleased hum was all Kat could manage as she went light-headed, swaying on her feet as she reached out to plant a hand on the wall for stability. Looking at the dagger, she was happy to see the glow still present. "You— You alright?"

"Mmm," Alyssa groaned again in response. "Hangover...but...yeah. Kind of not sure if it's actually better than being dead."

"With the former, I'm not alone." Kat doesn't elaborate as she leaned her back against the wall, eyes shut as her head felt swimmy. "That was better, not ideal, but better."

"It's draining...and I don't know if I could hold it long before we use it." Alyssa also sounded exasperated.

"We can probably skip the first part, go right...to..." Haphazardly Kat's sentence trails off as she slides down the wall to the floor, the dagger still in her hand as it goes limp in her lap, head falling to one side as she blacks out from overexertion.

[ @alyssa-ward​ ] [ Brief Mentions: @blue-eyedraven​, @tirasiantrouper​ ]

( [Chapter I] [Chapter II] [Chapter III] [Chapter IV] ) ( [pt.I] [pt.II] [pt.III] [pt.IV] [pt.V] [pt.VI] )

[sailorsilverladybug]

Now that it's all over, I wanted to let you in on the past couple of weeks of my life. It's been rather stressful and hectic, and some of it rather frightening, so please bear with me. I doubt this is a surprise to any of you, but we are living in the middle of a pandemic.

Unfortunately, it is not under control. Not even close. And while I won't go into politics in this venue, I will say that I am both angry with how this has been handled in my country, and afraid of what the future will bring.

So, here goes. Last week my sister-in-law convinced me to go with her into one of the nearby cities to shop and go to a local casino (which practices social distancing and refuses entry to anyone not wearing a mask). We had been out before, and I needed things for the house, so I went. And I had a blast. We had a lot of fun and just got to hang out and spend time doing girl things.

But this past Friday, the 14th, around mid-morning, I started feeling ill. I had a headache that was nothing like my migraines or a stress headache. It centered just behind my eyes. I started to have a runny nose and felt strangely out of touch with my surroundings. Worse, I started having trouble breathing. I told my husband, who called his work and warned them he might be infected. Then we started calling the local hospital to find out about testing.

We registered to get tested. The woman who registered us said there would be a sign on the side of the primary care physician's office that we should call when we got there Monday. Because we live in a tiny rural town, the hospital only does testing between 9:00 and 12:30, Monday through Friday.

We had to wait until Monday to get tested. An entire weekend, wondering if I was going to get sicker and sicker. With my pre-existing conditions I was sure if I had Covid-19, it would be a death sentence.

Added on top of that, my husband totally lost it when I tried to talk to him about my wishes if something happened to me. He absolutely refused to listen and for a moment I thought he was going to throw himself on the ground and throw a real fit like our son did once when he was small. So, I started putting everything in order, just in case. I spent most of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday putting together my own memorial service, just in case. I made written notes to doctors and made sure our life insurance was all set.

All of this took an even bigger toll on me than the continued headache and the congestion. Then, probably because of stress, I started feeling sick to my stomach. It wasn't pleasant. The stress got so overwhelming, and nothing wanted to go right, and I was just ready to tear my hair out and run down the street screaming. That would have been a rather embarrassing arrest, so I'm glad I had some self-control.

While we were waiting for the testing to start, I worked for several hours to put together a back-tracing list that had everywhere I had been for the last three weeks, where my husband had been, and even the places I knew my sister-in-law had gone. Then, on Monday morning, at just before eight, Steve and I left to go and get tested. Since we were afraid of exposing anyone else, we walked (and I walked up a very big hill almost completely without help!)

By this point, I firmly believed I didn't have Covid-19, but I wasn't about to take chances with anyone else's health and safety. So we got to the hospital, saw the sign on the side of the primary care physician's building, and made the call that we were there... except, we hadn't found the right sign. The one we were reading was the one ON the side of the building. Not AT the side of the building. So, after my husband discovered our mistake (forty minutes on hold later), we called the second number and waited for a response.

Now, I'll be honest here... by this time, I was hot, tired, afraid, and just plain mad. I held it together, but I'm pretty sure my diatribe on anyone refusing to wear masks was heard ten miles away. By the end of my rant, both the others waiting in their cars to be tested had rolled up their windows (it went on for a REALLY long time).

Then a nice gentleman came out. I turned to my husband in a panic and made him promise he wouldn't let me bite the poor guy (which is a tendency I have when I am in extreme pain and a doctor gets too close). He walked us through what would happen and I asked if he would let my husband hold my head, partly to avoid biting him, and partly because Steve just makes me feel better. The man agreed, Steve leaned my head against his chest, and I sat on my walker and waited with my eyes closed for the torture to begin.

I'll be honest, while it totally sucked, it wasn't quite as bad as I had made it in my head. It felt like he was trying to tickle my brain, and I think I begged him to stop and said "oh S***" A LOT, but in spite of the discomfort, I survived it. Watching Steve go through it a minute later was almost worse, because I knew how much it sucked. He had his hands fisted and was shaking the whole time. He was stoic about it, but afterwards, when I made the quip about tickling the brain, he said "more like drilling," and just shook his head.

The gentleman we had been speaking to (I call him a gentleman because he was incredibly kind and gentle) said we might have our results as early as today, which was both a surprise and a blessing, because without Steve going back to work, we weren't sure how we would even manage to get food next week, let alone pay our rent, electric, and other bills, or set money aside for winter heating.

We were on our way back when my sister-in-law (Steve's brother's wife) drove past. She yelled at us to stay where we were, and we did, because we were friggin' exhausted by this point. She picked us up and drove us home after taking her own test about ten minutes later.

So, we waited. Now, I'll be honest. By this point I was about 98% sure that none of us had Covid-19, but we didn't take chances. Steve works in a grocery store. Sometimes he is stocking shelves, sometimes running a register, and sometimes he is out at the fuel island (the store gas station) pumping gas for people, and taking their money. So we knew if he went to work he could expose a LOT of people. We were very careful.

At 9:00 on the dot this morning I received the phone call telling me that I was Covid-19 negative! I bounced in my seat through the whole call. She didn't have Steve's results yet, so we waited. Around eleven, my sister in-law got her results. And then around one Steve got his. None of us are infected, thankfully. Steve called his work and let them know he is free to return (not a moment too soon) and will be going back tomorrow.

In the meantime, all the things we couldn't do because we had to self-isolate need to be taken care of, including several errands like getting dog food. So he has been rushing around getting things done all afternoon. Then I sat down and started writing, because that is just how I process things. I put on some music and just let my fingers fly over the keyboard.

My week sort of sucked, but the bright side is, I don't have Covid-19. Now that you know that, it's time I got into a subject that has really been bothering me. If you don't want to read further, you don't have to, but I really wish you would, and that you would spread the message along.

Every single person who chooses to wear a mask in spite of the annoyance it causes, is a hero to me. Every one of you who has gone without going to the club, who hasn't been going to church, who hasn't done any of the other things that happen in big groups. All of you who have been frustrated, but who know that your actions can either protect or harm other people... You are all heroes. You make a difference. Just as much as necessary workers. Just as much as doctors and nurses. You are heroes.

For those of you who don't wear masks, social distance, or use proper protection procedures, I am begging you, don't let this disease take away what you hold dear. Be safe, be smart. Listen to the doctors and nurses. Listen to the people begging you to wear a mask. Don't put yourself (or your loved ones) through what I just experienced.

Each time you get out of your car to go in a store, put a fresh mask on. Each time you touch something that has been touched by other people, use hand sanitizer. Stay at LEAST six feet apart. Wash your hands constantly, and thoroughly, for at least 20 seconds. Avoid touching your face (or the outside of your used masks!) and be very careful.

You don't want to go through the worry and the fear that you might have been exposed. But more than that, you don't want to be worried that you gave Covid-19 to someone you love. Please, be careful, be kind, and be safe. I don't want to lose you from this world. Every single one of us is special and has a purpose. Don't let your light go out. Take care of yourselves, and the rest of us.

Now, I'm going to climb off my soap-box and go do something completely unrelated to death and dying for a few hours. I might play a video game, or write a funny story. I might blast some music and sing off-key (loudly). Who knows. All I know is, I've had enough of fear and death to last a lifetime.

I wish you all well. God bless you.

Tori

Sailor Silver Ladybug

[sserpente]

Mischief and Ice (Chapter 2)

Synopsis: Thanos’ cruel attempt to wipe out half of the universe failed and the titan is dead; but his actions came with grave consequences. Tears and cracks in the universe, all across space and time formed wormholes within the nine realms and beyond, giving old enemies a vicious opportunity to strike again. When the Jötuns invade Earth and the Avengers assemble to defend the planet once again, it is the help of none other than the former war criminal Loki they are reliant upon to drive the icy warriors back to their own realm. But then the God of Mischief encounters a young woman abandoned in the cold—your body mangled and altered with Jötun blood, a lab rat to the Frost Giants. He decides to take you with him and nurse you back to health, unable to comprehend the confusing affection he begins to harbour for you.

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Stepping through a make-shift portal was hardly a problem, travelling by Tesseract or Bifrost had proven to be a lot more draining. The challenge was to put up with all the hostile glares the Avengers shot him like daggers when they caught sight of him, following suit after Thor.

He had to admit, Strange was skilled—he conceded him talent, yet he was hardly impressed. After all, he had been doing this for centuries. Last time, the mortal wizard had merely caught him off guard. Loki would not let that happen again.

“So… Frost Giants,” Thor began with a forced smile, sitting down on the chair reserved for him during meetings almost as if he had never left the compound. Loki simply stood, clasping his hands behind his back. There was no reason to get comfortable around these people. Especially Tony looked like he was going to shoot him any moment and Doctor Strange, joining the group at the table after the portal snapped shut behind him, steered clear of the God of Mischief anyway, fuelling the other’s suspicion even further.

“It’s good to see you, Point Break. But why the hell did you bring Reindeer Games?” Tony interrupted him harshly.

Loki only smirked as he lifted his arms in false defeat. Infuriating them had amused him then and it still amused him now. Nothing was ever going to change about this. He was not fond of his own past, and the reputation his own family had besieged him with. There was nothing to be proud of, not really. But, he had begun to come to terms with it. So what was wrong about having a little fun? A malicious smile worked wonders to hide a wounded and tainted heart.

“Look, Loki is…” Thor hesitated. Why did he hesitate? The world knew by now he was not really Asgardian. The God of Mischief sighed. “He knows the Jötuns a lot better than I do.”

Tony opened his mouth to protest, followed by Natasha raising an eyebrow at him.

“Right… next thing we know he sets them against us.”

This time, Loki actually chuckled quietly, almost surprised by himself. He had fought so much in the last couple of years, survived quarrels with his brother, won against the Goddess of Death and lastly, helped to kill the titan who had scarred him for life… and there was absolutely no reason for him to still bother with all the people who had slashed his vulnerable heart not so long ago; not then and not now. Still… that did not mean he could not vex them when it felt like cooling medicine down his throat.

“You are not quite wrong, Agent Romanoff.” His blue glance wandered over to Thor who watched his every movement with widened eyes.

“What are you saying?” He roared.

“I am the rightful king of Jötunheim.”

The entire room fell silent. One could practically hear them all trying to digest what he had just said. Eventually, Thor spoke up again, leaning against the table in the process.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He stated dryly.

“A long time ago, we have tried your method. Do you recall how your blind lust for battle ended?” He paused, his wicked grin widening. “Brother… do you not trust me?”

Bruce scoffed. “That’s a trick question, right?”

Oh, it was. Never trust the God of Mischief. Loki was curious as to what it would feel like to be trusted for once, yet he felt no desire whatsoever to make up with the self-proclaimed superheroes.

“Perhaps it is about time I claim the throne.”

“Okay.” Tony spat. “What’s your plan? If it involves killing or any kind of narcissistic self-glorification, I’m going to kick you all the way back to Norway myself.”

Sighing, Loki rolled his eyes. Stark was the one talking.

“Please… enlighten me. Have you got a plan? Your metal armour will be entirely useless against the Jötuns, Stark, they would freeze the parts within mere seconds. What is your strategy?”

Steve was the only one willing to reply. Morally, the soldier out of time was perhaps the only one thinking rationally when it came to him. He could not exactly say that he liked him but at the very least, Loki was able to tolerate him.

“We should be headed to Norway right now. If they attack, without us the people will stand no chance.”

“Then what?” Loki probed, clearly unimpressed. “What about the places they have already taken? You are suggesting what has been on Thor’s mind since he first laid hand on his hammer—to hurl yourself into battle and strike where they will be at their strongest. The Jötuns will send their fiercest warriors to Norway, rest assured Asgard will defend it but their leaders… their leaders will hide, cowardly, in the background.”

“How would you know?” Tony snapped. In response, the God of Mischief turned straight to Thor.

“Laufey ruled Jötunheim for decades. The Frost Giants would not take kindly in leaders and commanders changing their utmost principles. I watched them for a long time, learned how they operate, remember? They do not like surprises.”

Bruce raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms with a thoughtful expression. “So what do you suggest?”

“I suggest we take the war where we want it to be.”

They have abandoned their palace and they left me behind to die. Was it mercy… or was it a worse fate they had tossed you into? You had run out of edibles two days ago. Covered in frost bites, bruises and other injuries but most importantly half frozen, you were surprised you still managed to melt the ice between your hands to drink some water.

No. Death would be mercy and yet, you did not want to perish. If only you had listened to your brother.

Come home early, he had said. Mum’s making supper, he had said. You didn’t know whether they were still alive. Your mum suffered from an incurable illness. She was weak, bed-ridden for the most part but she loved cooking more than anything in this world. Whenever she felt energised enough, she would prepare gorgeous and delicious meals for you all.

You should have come so you would be together now. You should have screamed at your boss and insisted on leaving. It wasn’t like you were getting paid for all the extra hours he forced on you… but you still needed the money on your bank account every month, if anything to pay your mother’s medical bills—you couldn’t risk getting fired.

What had happened to the rest of the country, you did not know. Iceland was fairly small compared to other places, the chances there was help on the way were ridiculously little. Maybe they were all dead. Maybe you had gotten lucky.

You scoffed, your breath blowing white fog into the cold air around you. Your will to live was strong but you had long bent to the Frost Giant’s cruel rules, learnt not to try and run away or lash out and fight back. Compared to them, you were tiny, fragile.

The worst part, however, had not been when they had impaled you with their ice cold cocks and filled you with their chilly seed, not the many bruises they had inflicted on you and not how they had made you bathe in a tub full of cold water and ice as a punishment or simply for their amusement but the many times they had injected you with their blood, watching you wither away.

They had told you many things—but they had never told you why they would attempt to break your body. Instead… they had simply done it.

It was short of a miracle you were not dead yet but if no one found you soon, then you would be.

Tony cursed quietly, earning himself a half-hearted scolding from Steve as he flew over the ocean, leading the quinjet to its first destination—Iceland. Natasha had been forced to switch off the routing signals. There was no need to give away their position, after all. What they had on their side was the element of surprise. That, and Loki’s ridiculous but unfortunately also very plausible plan.

Who was he to trust the one man who had caused his PTSD?

Once they had gotten suited up and ready to leave, for none of them wanted to lose any more time, he had stopped Loki with a scowl, grabbing his upper arm. The God of Mischief’s growl had been deadly.

“Why are you doing this, really?” Tony had inquired quietly. “Helping us, I mean. Surely not from the kindness of your heart…?”

Loki had had the audacity to smile—maliciously.

He trusted Thor—and if Thor believed that taking Loki on a mission and putting their lives into his hands was a good idea… he sighed. Loki had hoodwinked, betrayed and fooled his own brother quite a few times. No… it was still a bad idea and he doubted that he would make it out alive without having to kill Loki slowly at some point.

“What exactly are we looking for, Reindeer Games?” He started languidly after they had landed. Natasha was loading her guns—silent clicks echoing through the ice cold air—Bucky was adjusting his metal arm, Steve was fixing his shield and even Thor’s lightnings crackled through his new weapon. They all expected a fight upon their arrival and they were not entirely wrong.

The Frost Giants had left traces. It was almost beautiful. The rivers, houses, bushes, trees and streets, everything was frozen and glittering and glistening in the weak sunlight. Loki knew they must have established themselves a little empire and now abandoned it to hunt their next big prize.

“Look around you,” he explained impatiently. “Does this look like a battlefield to you? It is not. Mortals are no match for Jötuns and they knew this. Anything that is made of ice and moves—kill it. What we are searching for are their headquarters. A place for them to hide while the lower among them do the dirty work.” It did not sound much different from how Odin had ruled. Loki suppressed a scoff. It was a trait the dead king had passed on to his only biological son. He, Loki, was the brains, Thor was only the muscles. Some things would never change…

“So what do we do?” Wanda’s voice cut through the air, her Eastern European accent heavier than usual. He had by now noticed it did so whenever she was upset or nervous. Nothing Loki should be worried about as long as she kept her powers in control.

“We split up.” Thor announced loudly before Loki had a chance to reply. But yes. Working in solitude was what the God of Mischief had learned to prefer when the only person he could ever truly rely on was himself. Besides, upon an encounter with another Jötun, he would not have to dread turning all blue and monstrous in front of the Avengers—they mistrusted him as is.

There were no castles in Iceland, not really. But the God of Mischief, knowing exactly what to pay attention to, soon found what he was looking for. It was an old ruin, a former farm house—and it was the perfect place for starting an icy kingdom. The first of many places to find Jötun guards, councillors or even one of their leaders.

“I found something,” he announced dryly, still getting used to the little headset device that enabled him to communicate with the Avengers. “Stay where you are, I am going in first.”

“Hold on a second, Reindeer Games. What’s your location?”

But he had already turned the annoying piece of electronics off. It would only distract him, especially if he was forced to listen to Stark’s dull voice. Rolling his eyes, he approached the frozen farm house and pushed open the door, not even flinching when his skin made contact with the ice cold doorknob. Then, he stepped inside.

A/N: And so it begins...

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[thethird-age]

the tale of demon cutter and the rampant swan, part four

     When the ancient Solars wed their Lunar mates, their souls and Exaltations were linked by oaths thought unbreakable. Many of the stolen two hundred Solars were such wedded souls, and the essences of their matrimony were not spared the corrupted touch of their new masters.

     Although the soul-ties of the Abyssals were not destroyed, the death-energy of their maimed Exaltations spread into their counterparts like rot creeping through a grafted tree. The ties of the Infernals were outright severed. In either case, the Exaltations of their Lunar mates were profoundly affected. 

     The Empress had long decreed that all emergent Lunars should be killed, but with her gone the Dragon-Bloods could barely manage their own affairs, let alone ride on the hunt chasing rumors of Anathema. So it came to pass that the Lunars began to be reborn into the world in earnest, and the mates of the unfortunate two hundred were among them.

     Most of what came to be known as the “widowed Lunars” bore no sign of their partners’ fates other than a subtle, nagging sense of loss. Many others lived their days normally but spent their nights tormented by visions of the peat-dust Underworld or the burning plains of Hell. A few became little more than animals, their humanity torn away by the knives of the Yozi. 

     Others were driven mad....

     The herbalist of Little Bend lived in a whitewashed daub hut on the east edge of the river. He kept a goat, a hutch of chickens, and a garden of plants both mundane and bizarre. Sometimes he would hunt for game in the hills, or fish, or run a trap-line.

    Copper meant nothing to the herbalist, nor did silver, gold, or jade. He refused to take coin for his services, asking in payment only such goods as he could not grow or hunt himself. He never set foot in the market or showed himself at harvest festivals. Unless a patient was too sick to travel to him, the herbalist never entered the town at all.

     Apart from his hands and face, which he kept scrupulously clean, the man was covered in dirt and grime. His simple clothes hung in tatters from his wiry frame, and he wore his matted, ashen hair down to his hips. He kept his beard cut close to his face by hacking at it with a fish-boning knife. Around each of his limbs, a mass of trinkets and talismans clattered. 

     His name, although nobody in Little Bend knew it, was Mourning Dove. To the villagers, he was simply “the madman.”

     The people of Little Bend meant him no harm by this; he was, after all, quite mad, although whether his madness had resulted from his isolation or driven him to it nobody could say for certain. His skills and kindness were not in doubt, and nobody in Little Bend felt inclined to shun a perfectly good healer just because he muttered to himself and looked up at odd angles through unblinking pale eyes. Little Bend was a practical town, with practical people and a habit of accepting things as they were.

     So it was that for four generations the people of Little Bend sent each other to “the madman” for their ills and pains. Four generations of farmers called “the madman” when their cows miscarried or their vegetables blighted. Four generations of daughters were brought to “the madman” for acne cures or easing painful menses, and returned as grown women for surefire ways to get pregnant--or to not get pregnant. Four generations of townsfolk passed their years from colic to arthritis, and through it all “the madman” remained, pale and unchanging as a limestone cliff.

     And if the herbalist never seemed to age, well, who could tell under that beard? If there were traces of silver on his skin, or if the feathers in his hair seemed rooted there, those were surely just the affectations of an eccentric man. If someone happened to suggest to the madman that he go hunting whenever an Immaculate monk was due to come to town, that was simply a matter of not wishing to waste the monk’s time on proving what all villagers agreed was true: that there were no Anathema in Little Bend.

     There would come times, now and then, when one of the young lads or maidens visiting the madman might notice the structure of his face under the beard, or the delicacy of his wrists, or the raspy music of his voice. There would come other times when a widow or widower might see the ageless compassion in his eyes, and wonder what it would be like to warm themselves beneath it. There would come times that a visiting dowager or bachelor might offer the madman a position on their household staff and at their side. But the madman did not care for any suitor’s charm, or wealth, or wisdom. He rejected each and every one, and when he did he always spoke the same words:

     “I am a married man. My wife has forsaken me, but I am her husband and always will be.” 

     He refused to say any more on the matter. Nobody knew who his wife had been, or where she had gone, or whether or not she had ever existed. The madman kept his own counsel, and that was the way it would always be.

---

     The herbalist of Little Bend had lived in the whitewashed daub hut at the edge of the river for nearly eighty years when the Corpses’ Winter came. From seemingly nowhere, the armies of the dead streamed over the lands of Man, and beside them the half-dead--the Grave Anathema and their masters. Anathema clashed with Anathema, and human with human, and the corpses of the fallen were conscripted to kill their own sisters and brothers. Most of the surviving population fled for the more defensible cities, and the people of Little Bend eventually decided to join them.

     On the day of the evacuation, each person took what they could cart or carry, and the rest was set ablaze to spite the dead. Many families asked the herbalist to accompany them, but he busied himself preparing medicines and making the sick ready for transport, and gave no answer. Still, the people refused to venture forth until he joined them on the road. Eventually, he came, with his goat beside him and the rest of his medicines in its saddlebags.

     Whether it was sheer bad luck or the dead had seen the smoke of the fields, no one could say for sure, but the villagers had hardly traveled an hour when they came upon a small party of undead lead by what was unmistakably a Grave Anathema. When the pallid and skeletal face of the Grave Anathema turned to regard the villagers there was nearly a stampede, but a silver light washed over them and turned their panic to a thinking fear.

     It was the herbalist, radiant as the moon, covered with gleaming silver spider-lines. He was weeping, but his shoulders were squared and his eyes were steely. “My friends,” he called, voice clear and loud as the rain. “Please, make haste. Take my goat and my medicines with you and don’t look back.”

     Most of the people quickly turned to go, but a few lingered, trying to convince the madman to just this once do what was sensible. He shook them off with a sad smile. “I cannot go,” he said, gesturing to the Grave Anathema.

     The Grave Anathema was a sexless, withered thing, wearing a rotten lion skin over the screaming black armor of the powerful dead. Its breastplate was sealed over its chest, and its mouth was clamped shut by an iron muzzle. It made no sound and showed no expression. But for its moving eyes, it was perfectly still.

     The herbalist looked at it like it was the most beautiful thing in the world. He walked towards it with his arms outstretched, back straight, smiling. “Run!” he said again, over his shoulder. “Hurry!” 

     But the few still there would not go. “Why?” they said. “Why will you not try to flee with us?”

     “Because,” he said, “I am a married man. My wife has come for me. I am her husband and always will be.”

     The herbalist and the Grave Anathema lunged at the same moment and clashed in a black-and-silver bonfire of Essence. The remaining few broke into a run, suddenly overcome by a terror unlike any they had ever felt before. By the time they regained their wits, they were too far away to see or hear anything of the fight. 

     That night, those who had seen the fight all dreamed of a tiger and a dove tearing each other apart. None spoke of their dream, and none considered what it might mean. The people of Little Bend were practical people, and they held in their hearts a practical and quiet grief.

[ptsfreed]

Starting over

TW: mental abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting

For years, I’ve kept a journal or blog.  I started when I was 5 when my mom bought me my first journal (it even had a lock and key).  As I got older, I transitioned to blogs.  I tried them all, Xanga, Tumblr, Blogspot.  Writing has always been cathartic for me, a way to process and heal.  I had gradually fallen out of the habit but I know that it’s time to start up again.  Last week, I actually made a booming return to paper/pencil journaling, but let’s get real--my hand hurts.  Typing is just so much faster.  Blogging it is.

I suppose I should start out with outlining my goals for what I’m planning to achieve with my return to writing.  I want to give myself the opportunity to slow down, process my emotions and experiences, and heal.  I like having the ability to have something physical to look back on, sort of like a barometer for intangible growth.  It’s hard to measure social-emotional learning otherwise.  

Here’s what I’m currently dealing with.  I’m 31, married, with two children.  I’m a full-time work-from-home-parent.  I am a moderate/severe special ed teacher for a virtual charter school.  My husband also works from home full-time in the entertainment industry, so it’s just us versus the kids all day.  My little ones are 3 and the other is just shy of one.  My husband and I became first-time homeowners right in the midst of the pandemic.  Then he was laid off.  For seven months.  We’re both educated with experience in our field.  Overnight, we went from a six-figure household to becoming eligible for food stamps.  This year, I marveled at how easily a job loss in a two-income household could turn that very same household eligible for welfare.

Depression ran high.  The booze flowed.  My PTSD symptoms went untreated as available therapy appointments became more scarce with the entire world enduring a collective trauma together. I watched my strong husband crumble.  I saw him cry and doubt himself for the first time ever.  I watched as a dark cloud seemed to envelop our household, ridden with fear for the future, uncertainty for the present.  We became expert budgeters.  We ate all the leftovers.  We helped each other to thrive with the most limited social interaction in our lives.  With the welcoming of our son, we compromised our social-distancing for family’s sake, with the promise that everyone in our pod would commit to limiting our social diets to strictly one-another.  It was hard...we love our families, but we dearly missed our friends.  Living two hours away from family in the first place, our local friends quickly became family.  But we adjusted.  Loneliness was preferable to falling ill to Covid--or worse, dying.  

At some point during the pandemic, my mom moved in with us after leaving her abusive 30-year relationship with my father.  Except, she never really left.  She maintained contact with him.  I knew it would be difficult for her.  I expected the separation to be hard, painful, and drawn-out.  What I didn’t expect was how severely living with my mom again after seven years would impact my mental health.  I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  My resentment steadily followed.  I didn’t want things to feel this way.  I was battling toddlerhood with a strong-willed, fiery, emotional kid with a penchant for hitting and also adjusting to life as a full-time working mom of two.  I felt the emotional toll of being there for everyone, compassion fatigue, though I hated to say it.  I felt like as a doting mother, good wife, caring teacher, and compassionate daughter I needed to do it.  But the toll it was taking on my body and mental health was unmistakable.  I cried, sometimes for no reason at all.  I snapped, I felt angry at small things.  My house looked like a tornado ran through it at all times.  Finding motivation to do things was like pulling teeth.  I gained weight, I hit the bottle almost nightly, though I typically limited myself to two drinks.  I told myself I deserved it.  Lots of people share a bottle every night with their significant other.  It’s not like it was impacting my ability to perform my job or care for my children.  Deep down, I still didn’t like it.  It felt like the only way to escape from the hell of quarantine and being broke.  I just wanted to see people.  Spend without immediately regretting it.  Yet here we were.

The year has been a challenge.  Ridden with strong toddler emotions and learning to navigate parenthood while actively trying to break the cycle of spanking and yelling to discipline.  I don’t always succeed and I hate myself each time I snap.  I run to my daughter, apologize and tell her that I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t okay.  It’s never okay to spank a bottom or yell because you want compliance.  If I can’t always be the perfect parent, then I can at least be one that is apologetic and not too proud to say sorry.  I want to teach accountability and remorse for one’s own actions.  At the very least, I can instill that.  That’s the silver lining of losing your cool, I guess.  But with these apologies and accepting accountability, it’s important that I also couple these sentiments with change.  It’s important that I do this in all aspects of my life, which is what I hope to achieve with writing.  I need to hold myself accountable and be able to look back at change.  I can do this.  I have done so much.  I have survived the pandemic.  I have created a family.  I have finished a bachelor’s and a master’s degree with little financial support.  I have paid my way out of debts.  I can do this.

1.  First and foremost, the reason I started writing again in the first place, I am done with binge drinking.  I feel pangs of doubt as I write this, afraid of my own capacity for caving to cravings and peer pressure.  As I experience those pangs, I can hear a silent voice in the back of my head telling me to push forward and cast that doubt aside.  I know I can do this.  Enough is enough.  My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy.  I began my drinking career in college surrounded by friends that made me feel home.  Drinking was fun, cool, part of the experience.  Pre-gaming was encourage and expected.  If pre-gaming meant you got drunk before the party, then the goal of the party was to get even more smashed.  I carried these habits into adulthood and still carry them with me today.  My last binge was Sunday and I’m not going to torment myself by recanting how bad it was yet again.  My goal isn’t to stop drinking entirely, just to have a healthier relationship with alcohol altogether.  Binging isn’t healthy.  The person I become when I drink isn’t healthy.  I can control this.  I can do this.

2.  I want to continue my journey into healthier eating and fitness habits.  As of today, this is the longest time I’ve ever seriously stuck with a weight loss goal.  I’ve lost 6 pounds since I began with mostly just-dieting.  The fitness part has been difficult to make time for, but I’m working on it.  I know that this goal is closely tied to goal #1.  If I can get in control of my diet, I can get in control of my drinking.  I am in charge.  I can take ownership of my health.  I can do this.

3.  I want to continue learning about my PTSD, my symptoms and how they have and continue to impact my life.  I want to continue learning about establishing healthy boundaries with people I love, my mom included, unfortunately.  I want to continue learning about narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and how these factors have contributed to who I am as well as my entire family dynamic.  Growing up hispanic, it has been incredibly difficult to establish boundaries without being labeled as “too good”, “hateful” and “too angry”.  I have been told countless times by my own mother that I’m too angry and upset at my father who physically and mentally abused me and my entire family for as long as I can remember.  My dad has cheated on my mom and rejected me for over two decades.  I am sick and tired of being told to forgive my abuser because my boundaries make others feel uncomfortable.  What has been especially hard after actively working on myself for 3+ years is having my own family tell me that perhaps therapy isn’t suiting me because it’s made me “too angry” and that I’ve “lost my lust for life”.  They want to assume that my general sense of frustration is attributed to not talking to my dad, when in reality, freeing myself from that relationship has afforded me more peace than I ever could have fathomed.  Sure, there are difficult moments, but every time I think that maybe that relationship may be worth pursuing again, I am reminded of why I have established such rock-solid boundaries in the first place.  According to others though, this makes me too hateful.  Too angry.  “You’ve punished him enough”, they say.  As if this was ever about punishment and not about protecting myself and my children from narcissistic abuse in the first place.  They say this and accuse this anger of pouring into other aspects of my life, without ever once asking what’s really going on inside.  Not once has anybody asked how parenthood is going.  How I’m coping with the pandemic and the renewed sense of cautious freedom now that I am fully vaccinated and my husband is halfway vaccinated.  Not once has anybody thought to consider that maybe I’m not super woman, that I’m just human and that I too have moments of vulnerability that I irresponsibly cope with by binge drinking.  Instead, everybody says that the best course of action is to essentially “get over” my resentment and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the decades-long abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father.  The same hands that banged my head against a wall, beat me within an inch of my life, and then sent me to work at a cosmetics counter without a stitch of makeup and completely battered and bruised.  According to the armchair therapists in my life, it’s my job to let go of these feelings and now trust this same meth-addicted man with my children.  I need to trust in his capacity for change and honesty after 20+ years of lying and gaslighting.  I don’t want my boundaries to cost me the most important relationships in my life.  But at this point, I can’t do it anymore.  I am exhausted with explaining myself, for demanding respect and begging to have my story heard and considered.  My mom will continue to choose my dad over me.  She feels compelled to be his friend and the peacekeeper, still, even after attending therapy and working on herself.  I know that my dad is at the center of this, stirring the pot and causing a rift in my relationship with my mother because having me out of the picture will bring the two of them closer.  “See, she turned her back on you too”, I can hear him saying.  This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life.  I have been told that by my parents my entire life that I am essentially dispensable.  “I don’t fucking need you”, my dad would say.  My mom would “intervene” by asking me what I did to make him so upset, and perhaps I should just “find somewhere else to live” if this was how I was going to act.  I hate feeling this way.  It hasn’t gotten easier as a 31 year old woman, but I can say that I am now able to see the situation much more objectively and with clarity.  This is why it’s important to keep attending therapy, working on my drinking, practicing mindfulness, and living my life with intention.  Wellness really does come full circle.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 4: “Trying To Cover Ur Murderous Tracks” - Jones

JENNET 

nash isnt on my tribe but i cant help but feel bad for them :((( the last two days that we were together as old calumma i actually started to connect with them. they will be missed 💔

(a little later)

why am i obsessed with ethan ? *insert meme of that tiktoker just standing there*

(after building a bamboo bed)

super nervous for immunity, if we end up losing i think i might try to push for pennino bc he pissed me off the other night saying he wouldnt be available for the comp and literally SITTING THERE watching us do the comp... i really like sam and ethan (tbh more than i like lindsay and jabari) but thats only bc of how much we communicate with each other idk i do know lindsay wants to push for pennino too bc she was annoyed it too so maybe let her do all the pushing and if it backfires, just push for her to go😳

JESSICA

No song 4 today Last round we voted out Nash. That was not my ideal choice (I wanted Nicole to go) but Pete was paranoid Nicole may have an idol, that Nicole/Mikey/Nash were secretly working together, or just that something might go down. He also trusts Nicole for reasons unknown. I didn't love leaving Mikey in the dark (I think that really only helped Pete, not me) but I was nervous that if I pushed Nicole too hard as the vote, Pete would vote Mikey and then that was really the worst case scenario. If we lose this round, I am voting Nicole no question. She asked me what happened after the vote + if we could talk which I thought was great! I sent her an explanation that basically said I didn't trust Nash because they did not talk to me, I was worried OG Calumma was still a thing, and I didn't trust Nicole because she didn't start talking to me until after we lost + she left me on read a lot. And what does she do right after I sent that? Leave me on read again! I was excited to work with her when we first swapped but I don't see that happening at all now. The nice thing is because Pete lied to her, Mikey and Nicole voted each other, AND Lovelis was already initially down to vote Nicole, I'm hoping if we lose the vote is really easy. I also don't think Nicole has the idol because.... ...I found it! Okay, no I didn't. I did find a ruby though. I think that in each quadrant of the adventure, there is a gem and the four gemstones combined will make an idol. I already have 1, I have a good idea of where it could be in the north, and most importantly I am pretty sure Nicole has no advantages. I think if she had an idol, she might have played it last round, but my guess is that there is only one idol in the game and no one has it yet. However right now I'm not sharing this information with anyone. I hope that if we lose, Pete votes for Mikey out of paranoia (and that Nicole does as well) which means moving forward, Mikey really only has me and that's an alliance I can keep long term. I do also think that we are potentially swapping after this OR we will do a double tribal after this and swap then. I do not want us to lose twice because that's when things get tricky but if we do, I think I will be set up well enough that no one is coming for me.

PETE 

so my og Brookesia alliance of jessica and lovelis (plus me) they want to vote out Nicole but i reeeeaaally don’t wanna do that. Nicole and I had this talk of moving on from our past so if I just vote her out first chance I get that’d just be a huge dick move. They for some reason believe Mikey which I honestly don’t, I think he may be a little weasel. Nash doesn’t talk to me at all, so i’m hoping maybe I can shift the vote onto Nash by scaring them with the thought of Nicole having and idol

(after dropping his rice into the sand)

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH IDIDIT I DID IT IDIDIT literally i have THE biggest fucking knot in my stomach i was SO fUcking NERVOUS this is so fuckignw crazy i cant skdjdbxsjkdb i’ve NEVER been in control of a vote before like everything i told someone to do they did like i’m not gonna get all like egotistical and all that but like sjkdsxkdbsjjdjxjdkdb ive never been in this position before it’s wild i’m usually like the mikey. like i’m just there, hoping people include me but kinda just scraping by until they decide it’s my turn to leave and NOW!!!! I JUST BLINDSIDED SOMEBODYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

JENNET

trying really hard to do this comp and my arthritis is making my hands spasm :(( powering thru and hopefully we dont go to tribal. if we do im afraid that im going to be voted out :((

JABARI

So i scored for the tribe which is great but then we tie and there is tower of hanoi. Lets just say ill never play that game again but I swear im not giving up no sir....they said they wouldnt boot me because of it but ima make sure of it.

JENNET 

in love with ethan hes the best person in the world

(after staring at Ethan)

really sucks going to tribal council and i know i let my team down so now im trying to find a way- SOME WAY to remind them that old calumma wanted to go after pennino next and to hopefully keep ethan out of the fire. sam approached me about an alliance with him and ethan and tbf idc what anybody calls me or what they think but im honestly closer to the too of them than to anybody on the tribe- closer to ethan than i was to jake even😳

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/12YzvXBooOu3lndrE99YopPOcO4VEAYYB/view?usp=drivesdk lmk if this works also fun fact i just tried to open the camera on the computer im borrowing and the computer bluescreened lol i hate it here

SAM

https://youtu.be/M4E00bmBj0A

PETE

The way this game is going Id say that I’m probably closest with Jessica just because we’ve been talking since the start, she’s really nice & enthusiastic, and we’ve agreed so far on the things that need to happen so we share a lot of information with each other. Lovelis is a little bit of a wild card because he never really talks that much so I’m going to try to bond with him more so that he doesn’t feel like just another number.

LOVELIS

Who knew we’d pull out a win with flash games! Maybe we need to stop shitting on then and start praying for more of them to pop up here LMAO. So glad I can just have this day to speak to people a bit more and just relax a little - I feel like me Jess and Pete are in a comfortable position within this tribe so I’m praying for no more funny business with another premerge swap but I’m tryna stay on my toes!

ETHAN

Ok so tribal time: I am in a minority position right now and it is looking sketchy. I feel like I am going because of how Jabari and Jennet have not talked to me at all today and instead have ghosted me. I have something, but not sure if I want to play it. Do I trust people, or do I just full send and blow it up? Time shall tell

JESSICA 

Yay we won immunity! I love getting my Dolphin Olympics redemption arc, it's been 6 years in the making.

PENNINO

Now, it's 4 hours before the first tribal as Furcifer, and I think that us from OG Calumma will go and do a Pagong to Ethan and Sam. Since Ethan was a beast in  the comps, and we want to keep tribal lines, that puts Sam up for the chopping block. As for Nash leaving, no surprise. Honestly, I feel pretty safe and now i'm just waiting for another swap.

MADISON

I don't know how I've survived four rounds but here we are. I think I've legit gotten the lowest score in the past 2 challenges but everyone else is a beast so I get to stay safe for another round. The downside to being safe so long is that there isn't really a lot of gameplay happening over on Planet Brookesia and some of us might be a little bit too comfy so that when swap time comes or we lose the next challenge, it'll be scramble city to figure something out.

JAKE

https://youtu.be/Hz-Ix0ZeQ7E y'all when I tell you i'm manic just thinking about crazy fringe theories related to this game lmaoooooo

JONES

ok bet lets get strategic:tm: i feel like a lot of my confessionals are rlly like ,, , , ,me just talking ab "wow i rlly like this person, not this person so and so and whatnot" and i haven't rlly gotten to bare bones like ,, what i'm thinking ab game wise ? for starters - i think i'm in a rlly good spot surprisingly? LIKE don't get me wrong its fking dangerous being in a 4-2 but i think i'm set up super super well? i'm officially working with all of Daisy, Sammy, Shane, and Jake, and am in an alliance w everyone of those people besides Sammy. but sammy has vouched saying that he does want to work w me and has my back and i don't have like,, any reason to doubt that rn ? unfortunately the only way to rlly like ,, ,, have everyone prove their trust to me is by going to tribal aldksfjasdlfj but i dont rlly see a reason for them to like ,, , lie to me ? esp when we haven't gone to tribal? i don't see the point in marinating someone this isn't among us and ur trying to cover ur murderous tracks,,, but ya ? i'm in a good spot. i think based on my alliances and allies and whatnot, and i've stated this already so this isn't rlly a surprise, but madison would probs be the target if we'd have to go to tribal. and Jake has stated to me too that he hasn't rlly talked to madison that much either so it doesn't seem like an uncommon thought process. after the challenge tiebreaker yesterday , the newly formed ALLEANCHE! kind of came together as the 4 most active people on the tribe so it SEEMS like it would be madison AND sammy getting targetted and , ,, , sammy going for me isn't rlly cash money bc if sammy DOES have my back then that's me losing one of MY allies,, but i don't think we're going to enough tribals before another swap for that to actually be a thing ? so hopefully if we do go to tribal it'd be madison and not sammy, but i think i, if not i then maybe jake LOL, can make a good case for madison to go over sammy. speaking of jake i have a rlly bad gut feeling that i'm gonna have to think ab cutting him soon - or at least before merge. i've kinda been letting him take the reigns since preswap to make him kind of look like a leader ish ? so i'm rlly hoping that like ,, , hypothetically speaking. lets say i'm AGAIN put on another tribe w jake (bc lbr we're swapping again),, and lets say hypothetically they wanna split up the supposed "duo" of myself and jake,,, whos the smarter person to take out - the leader whos kinda been calling the shots and making the alliances since round 1, or the person whos proven themself to be reliable and to keep their team safe and be able to go to bat for their team ? idk IDK that's just me but i definitely think like ,, in terms of a building threat level i think jake is definitely the easier target asldkfjasd which is UNFORTUNATE like i LOVE JAKE but i feel like if it comes to me and jake and jake is putting me in DANGER then , ,, well,, :( i gotta do what i gotta DO i'm pawned as old reliable for a reason :katenails: but ya uhm,,, shane/daisy/jake/i were talking on call after the tiebreaker ab what could happen and we all basically agreed theres no way in hell that there ISN'T another swap on the horizon or at least like,, a twist or something. u can't just swap at 18 on a 20 person cast and just expect us to sit like lil ducks on sunday brunch, if anything we're probs gonna swap at like ,, , , , 15? OR hosts are cracked and swap us NEXT ROUND bc they're sadistic. but ya there's def another swap it rlly just depends on when and whos there to experience it - i.e whether or not i'm gonna have security from my allies or not ya feel? i feel. also there's definitely probs like ,, , ,a double tribal. or smth. or like, smth crazy and dumb and stupid that i don't have the brain capacity to rlly comprehend. but ya hope i win this was a good strategy talk #fruciferandcallumathrowchallenge

NICOLE

Hello!!! Nash went home and I'm sad so I am PROTESTING confessionals! You won't know anything that is happening with me! Nothing! (Just kidding nothing happened this round, everyone ignored me and then we won immunity so they had no need to)

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1TxoVh69i2GPA-agNAfyW0G-Bu07weXyZ?usp=sharing

SAMMY

so I had to write a paper and I'm rushing to get this in...blinks...whats new anyways I have been so off in like the idol hunting and I have felt so detached from this game since I have only been to tribal once? but I think the people in danger would be like Madison or Jake? they have both been brought up to me by daisy...and in all seriousness I would be fine with that? I honestly really am only prioritizing Jones and Daisy in this tribe. I feel fine with my position in this game and I even got a point from the flash games. Luckily Daisy won for us in the tiebreaker and we were able to barely escape tribal. I really do hope I can continue to avoid tribal so that I can get as far into this to make it to the more individual stage of this game.

DAISY

https://youtu.be/3kCYnxDIdQY

TRIBAL COUNCIL

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[autismus-obscurus]

AutistAgent Dev undercover

Hey guys! I know my blog has been dead for a while. My internship in a psychiatric clinic started and I have to study for upcoming exams so I don’t really have time to blog much. But I’d like to write a little summary of the first two weeks to recuperate a bit and get my thoughts into order. To not spam your dash, the rest is under the cut.

SO, my internship is in a psychiatric clinic. To be more precise it’s part of a big institution that has everything from open and closed stations, to living spaces for elderly mentally ill people and heavily disabled peeps whodon’t have anyone else. I work at an outpost, the day clinic, meaning people come there from Monday to Friday from 8am to 4am. They’re not stable enough for a normal psychiatrist to work with, but also not so bad off they’d need to stay several weeks at the clinic. The “regular” time in the day clinic is six weeks, but it will be extended if necessary. The main buildings are on the other side of town, which is around 700m by foot, and we walk back and forth once, most of the time at least twice a day. I have never been so fit in my life. (Jk, but it’s been a while since I worked out regularly.) I think what most people don’t realize is how normal everyone looks. Even on the stations it doesn’t really look like a “mental hospital”. Sure, I haven’t seen the closed stations yet and my next intership might be a bit harder. But over here, those are all quite nice people who hit hard times. We have a lot of them with chronic pain, with depression and anxiety. At least half of them are sick because of their environment being shitty to them. Of the fifteen patients, five are women who got burnout because their partners manipulated them into doing everything for them. Trying to change their approach and not let themselves get pushed around is a big challenge and super draining. We have some that hit a low because of trauma, because of a loved one dying. It’s harsh, and it’s sad. The first few days were horrid. I slept really badly for a few days and was constantly tired. Add to that the stress of a new environment and lot of people around, I was a mess. On the third day I stared crying after a group because I picked up the emptions (mostly sadness) so intensely. Hyperempathy can be a bitch. I still get close to tears now and then, mostly when I’m extremely stressed because then my emotion regulation shuts down. The first few days I fled to the toilet very often to calm down. My stim pad and music helped a lot. In the second week I didn’t need it as often, but I still stim during groups, mostly by stroking the fabric of the chair I’m sitting on or wiggling my fingers. I’ve also noticed I rub my hands and arms a lot while speaking. A year ago I would have tried to suppress it, but screw that, I need to stim to survive this.

The people are really nice. The psychiatrist who is responsible for my internship is a cool dude who likes D&D and wear bow ties every day. I’ve started the mission to find out how many different bow ties he has. The number as of now is 8 and counting. None of them know autism very well so I doubt they’ll pick up on it, even though I don’t hide my stimming a whole lot. I still make eye contact, even though it’s as always pretty unstable. I have trouble focusing on a point, anywhere in the face, and all the years of training make it hard to not make eye contact. Conversations with the patients go reasonably well. I guess I really learned how to do smalltalk by now. (Pro tip: It’s always the same. I can’t tell how many times I’ve explained where I study, what I study, in which semester I am, and where I’m from and what route I take by car. Seriously.) I often accompany patients to therapies. The other therapists are super nice. A lot of the therapies benefit me as well. I like to think I wouldn’t need it unless I hit super hard times (I couldn’t either way, because then the insurance would act up and employers don’t like people with problems), but now that I’m here it’s really helpful since i get to see both sides, that of the patients and the reasoning behind it. I started drawing again, and finally got around to use pastels for the first time, for example. I bought my own pack now and will start to practise portraits so I have something to sign should a band I like give autographs on a festival. The relaxation sessions are pretty chill too, after I gave up on meditation for lack of time. I even got around to work out again. (And caught a cold, woo.) We did a small trip to a nearby city in the Netherlands, which was hella cold and also entailed me not finding shit. At least I saw a bunch of cute dogs. Surprisingly, the conversation once went to gender stuff and the toilet situation. Surprise, not actually surprised, there’s people (women, in this case) who don’t want only unisex toilets. Why? Because they don’t want any other gender, with the reasioning, hold on this is gold, the men always freak out as well when a woman comes into their bathrooms. I was mad at first but if I think about it now, it’s hilarious. The bow tie psychiatrist cleared things up, but apparently she gets very fired up about the topic every time. I didn’t start a fight like I would have in a more comfortable environment, but it wasn’t necessary, bow tie guy has our back. In the evenings I unfortunately have to study, which only recently sorta worked because I’m not totally dead when I come home. I get to study my target language a lot, since when I’m bored I usually do some vocab and I occasionally write about my day in my target language.

Now for the bad bits. What sways me the most is that I have no clear routines. In the morning we make breakfast, but since I don’t know where everything is and how many people we are and what everyone eats it’s next to impossible for me to help. In general, I sit around a lot between therapies and meetings and when the patients are eating. It makes me feel terrible. Both nurses are basically unreadable to me and have a very, uh, powerful way of going around. I suspect they think I’m hella annoying, but I think that of everyone so who knows. Also, I managed to prove I can’t make coffee or screw a coffee flask shut. Hella embarrassing, to say the least.

Some therapies are hella uncomfortable for me, and it’s a bit problematic since I can’t step out (social anxiety, also I’m not supposed to be the one with problems.) One patient is in the clinic because of panic attacks, but he’s also hella sensitive to sound, just like me, and hates being touched. In one session we were supposed to do a game where we clap hands with each other and I was honestly really relieved when he said he couldn’t do it. Another therapy session was about touching hands with each other while we walked past, and look each other in the eyes and it was honestly the most uncomfortable thing I’ve done in quite a while. The excercise is about knowing your own boundaries and i guess it makes sense (but I’m not sure what that’s good for when you can’t step out because you’re not a patient.) There’s also a billard table in the clinic as well and one patient just thrashes the balls around every time. It’s like he lets all his aggression out on the queue. You bet I flinch every time. Chill the fuck out, mate (especially since he says he’s not aggressive. Sure bro.) Food is a smaller issue. I got stamps for the cafeteria, but some stuff is just... nope. So far I’ve managed to avoid stuff I couldn’t deal with, or ate just enough to convince people I was full. Some food there is actually really good though and the clinic is literally in the same building as a small supermarket and a bakery, so it’s chill.

Overall, I’m surprised how well I deal. I know what I have to avoid now, so it’s really chill. I might actually go into therapy after all. There’s some icky stuff, but once I’m not an intern anymore I can do my own routine and organize stuff.

[killersoflycans]

A Bundle of Joy

Daisy had been feeling... off, these past few weeks. For a while, she had put it on the fact that things have been changing within the coven, including her standing where she was entrusted with more missions along with training recruits. She assumed that she was just reacting poorly to stress and a pretty severe lack of sleep, but when she became unable to keep blood down most nights Zach became concerned. 

“Perhaps you should go see a healer, love.” Zach was holding Daisy’s hair back, keeping it out of her face as blood spilled out into the toilet. “Vampires don’t normally get sick unless they’ve fed on bad blood or have been poisoned in some capacity.” 

“I am not going to deal with the healers.” Daisy was panting a little bit, her face even more pale than was normal for a vampire. Her eyes were a bright blue, signifying the fact that she was weak and quite hungry despite having just vomited up any blood in her stomach. “They’ll just brush me off because, as you have just stated, vampires do not get sick.” 

She heard Zach sigh over the angry pounding of her heart as she tried to settle her still twisting stomach. She knew, logically, he was right in asking her to go see a healer. Part of her was afraid though. What would they say was wrong with her? What if she was dying from being poisoned or the blood was bad and her body was rejecting it? The coven needed to know if these were actual concerns for it. 

“Daisy, please, for me.” Zach pleaded, his fingers combing through her hair now that he knew she wasn’t getting sick again. She leaned back into him as she felt his fingers brushing against her scalp. It was a soothing motion that caused her eyelids to droop. She almost fell asleep against with his gentle touch and his calming presence when she heard him speak again. “Please.” 

She sighed and sat up, her shoulders sinking some. She really didn’t... want to deal with it. She knew that she had an obligation to the coven to be at the top of her game, so she had an obligation as well to make sure she was at peak health. “Fine, I’ll go.” She relented and she stood up, stumbling a bit to keep herself steady. “I’ll be back shortly.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Zach’s voice was laced with concern, as if he didn’t want to leave her alone in fear that she was going to take a turn for the worst and die as she was walking. She nodded and tried her best to smile at him. 

“I won’t be long, Zach.” She promised as she stepped out of the bathroom and towards the infirmary to speak to the healers. She figured it would just be that she drank bad blood. That she would be ill for a few more days, and then she would be back to normal. If it would ease Zach’s mind, she would do it though.

She walked into the infirmary and almost immediately, one of the older healers that Daisy recognized as Nora, came to her. “Daisy, is everything alright?” It was obvious that she knew that if she was coming to the infirmary there was something seriously wrong. 

“I have... not been feeling myself as of late.” The Death Dealer admitted as Nora lead her to one of the infirmary beds. “For a while I attributed it to stress, but lately I have been having trouble keeping blood down. I just finished retching up the blood I just fed on. I believe I have ingested some spoiled blood.” She could see the doubt on Nora’s face as Daisy hopped up onto the bed and just sat there. 

“Well, unfortunately, if it is that, there isn’t anything we can do for you. You’ll just have to purge it from your system.” Nora said as she stepped away to get a syringe and an alcohol wipe. “Answer me this question, please. Do you remember when you had your last cycle?” She started to clean off a spot on the inside of her arm. 

The little color that returned to her face left as she tried to recall when that last was. “That doesn’t mean anything.” Daisy insisted as she let Nora take a sample of her blood with ease. “Very few vampires can have children, and very few of those that do survive.” 

“However, it explains the symptoms you’ve shared with me and the fact that, based on your reaction, it has been at least a month since your last menstrual cycle.” Daisy was silent when Nora said that. The skin around the needle mark healed instantly and she stepped away. “It’s unlikely to happen but not impossible. The test will take a few hours. I will come by with the results of this test when I have them.” 

Daisy sighed and stepped down from the hospital bed and walked off towards her room. She didn’t have the energy to train the recruits today, so she left that to Zach. As she was walking out, she heard Nora walked over to the hybrid, to Michael, and begin talking to him quietly about the test and what needed to be done. 

It was several hours later when Daisy heard a knock on her bedroom door. She felt very weak upon returning to her room and she ended up taking a nap until Nora sent for her. She sat up, her hair a little tousled and her eyes were still a bit clouded from sleep. “It’s open.” She called as she tried to rub the sleep from her face. 

However the face that greeted her upon the door opening wasn’t Nora. No, it was that hybrid, Michael. Her gaze quickly turned to steel as she sat up straight. If he was here, that wasn’t a good sign. He was carrying a file and with a little bit of strain, she could see her name on it. 

“How are you feeling, Daisy?” He asked, not making a move to sit down, but instead elected to lean up against the wall beside her bed. 

“Fine.” She lied, feeling her stomach churn even as she spoke. Damn whatever this was. Damn her body betraying her at every turn. She was far more tired than she should be, her exhaustion wearing deep to the bone. She felt like she could sleep for more hours, but if he was here, that meant that there was a prognosis. “Care to share with me what’s wrong with me?” 

“Do you want to wait for Zach? Perhaps this is something he should be here for as well.” Michael asked, which earned him a sharp glare in turn. 

“I’m not a child. I can handle whatever this is on my own.” Daisy insisted and watched as he opened up the file. 

“Fair enough.” 

“Daisy?” Zach opened the door to their room, limping his way into the bedroom to see her laying in bed. There was her medical file sitting on her nightstand and the way she was staring at it sent shivers up Zach’s spine. It unnerved him and in a heartbeat, he was at her side. He sat on his side of the bed, his hand pressing up against her back. He had never seen her like this, so still. “Love, what’s going on? What did the healers say?” 

Daisy let out a sad laugh. “It shouldn’t be possible.” She said, shaking her head as she buried her face in her hands “I’m 305 years old, this can’t be possible.” It had been a long time since Zach had seen her so emotional, and it freaked him out even further. 

“What can’t be possible?” Zach moved to lay down besides her. He knew that he was probably needed a lot earlier, unsure how long she had been like this. His arm snaked around her waist and his lips touched her shoulder where the mark he had left rested. 

She took his left hand and moved it, pressing it against the flat skin of her stomach. It didn’t take long for Zach to put the pieces together and he just lay there with his hand resting on her skin, the realization of what was going on with his mate looming over their heads. 

“What are we going to do?” Daisy asked “I can no longer go on missions. Michael has already reported the news to Lady Selene. He has requested that I come in every month to do a check on my health since there is such a high risk associated with... expecting.” She couldn’t say it, not yet. She couldn’t think of what that word meant, for both her life and the life she shared with Zach. 

“Well... it’s really up to you, love.” Zach said as he pulled her a little closer “You know that the risks are high no matter what we do.” He buried his face in her shoulder, just now noticing how her scent was different. How had he not picked up on that before. “It’s your body though, and I will stand by whatever you choose.” 

“I think...” As much as she didn’t want to admit it, part of her wanted this chance as it had to potential to never happen again. She didn’t know if she could be a mother, but if anyone was going to father her child, it would be Zach. “I think I’m willing to go through with this. I think the risk will be worth us having the chance to be parents.” She could feel Zach smile against her shoulder, and she knew she made the right choice in that moment. 

“Well then, Daisy, it looks like you and I are going to be parents.” 

[shewhowantsmouseears]

Love Like Lava, 15

Notes: As always, super huge thanks to my editors Drucilla and BlueShifted, who waited patiently while my hard drive exploded.

A short chapter, but think of as taking a breath before we dive in, because the next chapter has the moment we've all been waiting (or dreading?) for. Also, Wolf is an actual character from the old days of Disney comics!

Summary: When Ma Beagle tries to get her revenge on Goofy, she uncovers an odd truth no one will believe. No one except Pete - and he may have found a way to get exactly what he wanted.

Ma Beagle woke up with more anger and maliciousness than she did most mornings, but it wasn't entirely her fault. Pete was also feeling more angry and malicious these days, feeling that Hephaestus had mocked him and Aphrodite was playing games. Pete didn't like to play games unless he won. If he couldn't immediately exact revenge on the two mice, then he'd have to make someone else suffer. That resulted in him wanting Agalma to suffer, since it was her fault for being such a hard mystery to solve. All of this amounted up to him appearing in the Beagle household and poking a fat finger right into Ma Beagle's forehead, igniting her desire for revenge right that second.

The business of owning slaves wasn't that complicated, and most evil pursuits are disgustingly simple. So it was with great ease that Ma Beagle had located a man willing to help her make a profit, as she'd sold him many of her ill-gotten gains in the past. Wolf Barker was so amazingly average that very few people suspected this boring man made a living buying and selling absolutely everything, including people. His looks didn't stand out, being your average height, wearing your average clothes, and even his matted black fur didn't grab anyone's attention. He had little personality to speak of, as he chose only to speak when he was spoken to. So when Ma Beagle walked down the street with Wolf in tow, he was almost invisible. Few people paid attention to him over the infamous pain in the butt at his side.

At the Goofy household, he, Agalma and Gyro were packing up. Since the chariot race was in the next town over, they needed to start heading out before the day of the actual race. For once, all three of them were in high spirits. Even though Gyro had yet to come up with anything that would give Goofy an advantage in the race, allowing his mind to think freely had come up with less dangerous ideas. Agalma was eager to see new places and make new friends. Goofy was still nervous and doubted he'd accomplish much of anything in the race, but having so much support from his friends made it difficult to put him in a bad mood, thoughts of Millicent not-withstanding.

The three had almost finished loading everything up into the wagon, but just as Gyro was feeding Little Helper breakfast and Goofy was helping Agalma onto the cart, a horrendous cackle broke the air.

“Do you know what today is, goof?”

Everyone looked at Ma Beagle who had triumphantly entered the scene, paying no heed to the unremarkable side character, and were oblivious to the god keeping her wrath going. After a moment of thought, Goofy offered, “Monday?”

“Today,” Ma Beagle continued while pretending Goofy had said nothing, “is the day I make you pay for what you did to my family! I'm taking you off your high horse, and putting you back down in the dirt where you belong! And it all starts with your pretty little girl!”

“Ma Beagle, I presume,” Gyro muttered while leaning towards his companions. He'd been told about the troublemaker and had hoped to leave before ever running into her. He then cleared his throat, trying to create a friendly atmosphere. “Can any of this possibly wait? We need to get going, and by my calculations, we should start as soon as possible if we want to be well rested mentally and physically before the start of the race.”

Again, Ma Beagle ignored anything that wasn't a part of her plan. “I asked everyone in this village-”

“Do you mean intimidate and threaten?” Agalma quipped.

“Same thing. Anyway, no one in this village knows where she came from!” Ma pointed an accusatory finger at Agalma, who merely blinked back while Goofy's eyes widened. “She's got no records! She's got no family! She's got no proof she ever existed until the day she walked out of your ugly house!”

“I think the house is charming,” Agalma said, still not comprehending what was supposed to be so frightening.

Goofy stood in front of the wagon, as if that would prevent Ma from getting any closer to Agalma. “Oh, you leave her alone! All she did was try and stop your son from bein' a thief! If you wanna be mad at someone, be mad at me for sockin' him!”

“Honey, I am going to kill two birds with one stone here.” Ma slapped Wolf hard on the back, letting out another wicked cackle. “The one good thing about you nice types is that if one of you suffers, you all suffer! If that girl has no family, then Wolf here can take her and brand her as a slave! And if you pathetic lowlives think you can ask for help, the second the villagers hear what I've done, they'll be afraid of the Beagle name all over again! No one will ever stand up to me again! Isn't that right, Wolf?”

“Sure,” said Wolf, unaffected by the gasps of horror from Goofy and Gyro – Agalma didn't know what a slave was, but judging from those reactions, it wasn't pleasant. “Looks good, she'll make fine coin.”

“You – you – you - ” Goofy lacked the words to convey his shock, his fists trembling. “You wouldn't dare! I ain't gunna let you!”

“I must say, that's the most deplorable thing I've ever heard of!” Gyro raced to Goofy's side, helping create a tall barrier of righteous fury. “If you think we'll just stand aside and let you take her, your theory needs reworking!” Even Little Helper was snorting hard and stomping his hooves.

Ma rolled up her sleeves, revealing that most of her girth was muscle, not fat. “The only reason you got one over my boy was because he was surprised...I've taken him down with my eyes closed! A bunch of scrawny wimps like you, I can bend you into knots before you even blink! Now either hand over the girl, or I'll break every bone in your body, including the ones you didn't know you had!”

Goofy and Gyro exchanged a quick look – unfortunately, Ma did outweigh them both, as these men were incredibly skinny and lacked many things in the muscular areas. Wolf was also cracking his knuckles, in a bored fashion, so he was clearly ready to help as well. Even if by some grace of the gods they got away this time, Ma Beagle had an almost infinite supply of sons she could send after them. As panic raced in Goofy's heart, he grabbed the side of the wagon, beginning to shake it. “Agalma, run!” If he lost someone again – if he lost Millicent again – if he lost Agalma – he wasn't sure he could handle it. No, he would not be able to handle it, could not survive another loss no matter how many friends he surrounded himself with. Death would be a better alternative than returning to nights of sobs and loneliness – the idea that someone he cared about so deeply would become a slave, a life reduced to agony and terror turned his blood to ice. It would be all his fault, because he couldn't do a thing. “Run away!”

“Run where?” Agalma asked. It was getting harder to become afraid of something you didn't know about.

“Anywhere!” He screamed, eyes burning and blinded by unshed tears. Last time he hadn't been able to do anything, hadn't been able to say goodbye, had been left behind. If the gods did exist, where were they, and why weren't they helping?! How was this supposed to “heal his heart”? He could not lose her, would not lose her, if life was meant to mean something than something so awful shouldn't be allowed to happen! “Go, go now! Get going before these two hurt you!” Gyro was gripping the wagon, his mind racing, trying to come up with a plan or an invention to save the day, but sheer panic interrupted his thinking process over and over as the menacing enemies came closer step by step.

“Why don't you just give him a statue?” Agalma pointed back to the house, growing more bewildered by Goofy's hysterics. She could only hope it wasn't her fault this time. “If he wants something pretty, you have lots of pretty statues. He just can't have me because I'm not a statue anymore. Do you think he understands?”

Brilliant ideas rarely came to Goofy, or at the very least he rarely recognized an idea when it was brilliant. So when this momentous occasion sparked in his brain, he slowly raised his pointer finger at Agalma, speaking carefully. “...Could... could you say that again?”

“Do you think he understands I'm not a statue?”

Ma rolled her eyes, storming over and shoving Gyro aside so hard her fell on his back. “If that's your idea of a goodbye, I never want to hear your hello. You're coming with me, girly!”

But for once in his life, Wolf spoke without being spoken to. “What in the world is she saying?” Funny enough, Pete was asking the same question, without anyone being able to hear him.

Goofy suddenly grabbed Agalma by the waist, hoisting her off the wagon and carrying her in his arms. “Agalma, I want you to say everything you remember about being born! Don't you leave out any details!”

Agalma tilted her back, and as she wove through memories, she swung her hand back and forth, making sure she hadn't skipped anything. “Goofy, how could you possibly forget? You're the one who carved me out of marble. Then you spent all that time making sure every little detail was right, even making me a nice necklace like you made for Millicent, since you carved me in her likeness and all, after she died. And then the goddess Aphrodite brought me to life in order to make you happy. Then I waited for you to wake up, since I wasn't sure if I was using my legs right. I figured you'd be the expert, you use legs every day!”

“What,” said Ma.

“What,” said Wolf.

“What?” said Gyro, alongside Little Helper's “Neigh?”

“WHAAAT?!” bellowed Pete, hands clasping his armored head in total surprise. “She – she – she can do that?! That little girl?! She can make life? That's impossible! Not even Zeus can just make life out of nothing!” But even as he said it, it had made sense, recalling the day when he had tried to go through Agalma's memories and found little to none. You couldn't recall what you didn't have, and marble wasn't supposed to have memories. How could Aphrodite keep this a secret? Why wouldn't you tell everyone and anyone that you had such phenomenal power? Pete had worked so hard to uncover this mystery just for her, and it was all for nothing, she already knew because it was made by her! Aphrodite could create life from statues! She could – she could -

And then, all at once, Pete wasn't angry anymore. All of his fury was instantly snuffed out as he repeated that fact in his head. Aphrodite could create life from statues. She could skip the baby and child stages and go right for adulthood. Just a snap of her fingers, and poof, there was a mortal, a living, breathing, bleeding mortal. Aphrodite could create life. Aphrodite had the answer to Pete's boredom. Pete now had a plan, and if it worked – when it worked, for it was ingenious – he would never need to hunt for petty squabbles again. What was he wasting his time for with these morons? He needed to start preparations now! Oh, soon, the world would be covered in blood and battle! And it would be thanks to him and Aphrodite!

With a pleased howl of laughter, he vanished, leaving the mortals alone with their little problem. Agalma had kept going on about the life lessons she had learned, from how to use a fork to learning what you could and couldn't drink, until Wolf threw his hands in the air. “Beagle! I thought you said you had a good bargain for me!”

Ma paused, having been ready to snatch Agalma out of Goofy's arms. “What are you saying? Look at her, she's a beauty! She'll make us both rich! Who cares if she says stupid things?”

“No one wants an insane slave!” Wolf barked back, although his expression was unreadable due to how mangy his fur was. “That's like selling a barrel full of holes, or a horse with a lame leg! She's either insane or telling the truth! If she's insane, she's useless as a slave. And if by some crazy miracle she's telling the truth, there is no way, no how, I am getting involve in a god's business! This is the last time I do business with you, Ma Beagle!”

“N-Now wait a minute, Wolf!” Ma stammered, unable to believe her revenge was over before it even started. “She's not insane! Really!” She whipped around to Goofy, shaking her fist in his face, but he wouldn't even back up. “Tell her to start speaking the truth! Tell me where she came from!”

Goofy smiled pleasantly. “She came from a really good wall of rock down by the coast. Real sturdy stuff.”

“I'm out of here.” Wolf turned on his heel, grumbling about the waste of time under his breath.

“Wolf, wait!” Ma began to chase after him – without Pete's constant lingering and poking, her wrath had come undone like a bad ball of yarn, revealing a pathetic lump of a lazybones within. “Who else am I going to sell my stolen goods to!”

“You could try not stealing at all,” Gyro called after her, without expecting any response. As the two canines left their sight, Gyro stood back up and brushed the grass off his arms, laughing merrily. “And here I thought I was a genius! We'd better go before she decides to vent her frustrations in a most unhealthy matter.” With another relieved chuckle, he climbed aboard and grabbed Little Helper's reins, the horse letting out a happy sigh of air through its nostrils. “It's that quick thinking that could help you in the race!”

Goofy sat down besides Gyro, and Agalma sat in Goofy's lap, having a few questions of her own. “Why were you crying? And why do they think I'm insane? What does 'insane' mean?”

Goofy didn't answer her at first, wiping away the remnants of tears from his face. Even though the danger had passed, the effect of it still weighed like a stone in his chest. When he found his voice, it was quiet. “I was scared. I was really scared I'd lose you.”

Agalma cupped her chin in her hands. “Lose me, or Millicent?”

It stung, but rightfully so, and Goofy didn't feel confident in answering. Gyro cleared his throat as the horse began to trot. “If I may...I may not know the whole story here,” and he still believed the statue ploy was full of clever lies, “But Goofy lost someone very near and dear to him, correct? You have my deepest sympathies. I'm sure she was very nice lady, being your friend and all. Grief isn't a subject I'm well versed in, much to my fortune, but I'm sure in time you will be at a place where it doesn't hurt as much.”

Goofy himself had never kept track of the time, but apparently Agalma had, having learned how to add and remembering the dates and years Goofy had forlornly spoken of when she was still stone. “It's been fifteen years.”

This was news not only to Gyro, who let out an awkward series of words, “Oh, I, uh, that is...” but also to Goofy who had never put it all together before. Fifteen years. That was a lot of time. A baby turned into a teenager in that amount of time. Several animals had their whole lifespan in that frame. Dozens of seasons passed. He looked out to his town as they rode on, trying to remember or notice what had changed in that time. Had he really paid attention to anything? Had he been alive? If Minnie and Daisy hadn't come along – if Agalma hadn't come – would he have spent another fifteen years alone in his home full of frozen life? Would he have just kept doing the same things, wrapped up in his misery, until the day he died?

“Gyro, you're a smart one,” Agalma stated, jarring the men out of their muddled minds.

“So I tell people.” Gyro was relieved to be on something he knew was true.

“Then you'll know. How long are people supposed to be sad over death?”

“Ummm.” Gyro inhaled and exhaled as deeply as he could, needing all that extra time to think of how to properly explain such a complicated issue. “Most people believe everyone should grieve at their own pace and their own time. And maybe a part of you will never stop grieving. But the way I see it, you shouldn't let it take over your life. If our departed loved ones knew we weren't doing anything except crying over them, they'd be rather upset. Life is for the living, it's the root word in and of itself! Although there has been some debate in the etymology of the word 'living', having two origins in different parts of the word, and often etymology itself isn't an exact science, but if you take the time to do the research...”

As Gyro rambled on about things the dogs couldn't possibly begin to grasp, Goofy looked at Agalma and Agalma looked back at him. Had she asked the question for him, or out of mere curiosity? She whispered so as to not distract Gyro from his ongoing explanations. “You once told me I should live for myself, not for you.”

“Meant what I said,” Goofy replied, although he had to admit that she'd taken that advice and ran with it. Most of what she did was for her own benefit, although she had been very loyal to him. Goofy almost thought it was the exact opposite of what Millicent would do. Except now that he had been burdened with the knowledge that it'd been fifteen years since he'd last seen her make any choice, he unwillingly had to admit that time and love could make memories appear differently. Millicent had a life outside of Goofy. But he could no longer remember when his life was outside of Millicent.

“I think you should take your own advice.” Agalma poked Goofy on his big black nose. “You should live for yourself, not for Millicent and not for me. If you don't like me, I'll be okay. But you should like yourself, and if you like yourself you should do things that make you happy.” She proudly patted her chest. “I like myself plenty.”

“Who said I didn't like you?” Granted, he'd thought it at one point or another, but never said it out loud. “You're a weird one. But I guess it ain't so bad. I'm not perfect either. Nobody is.”

“Not even Millicent?”

Now if that wasn't the biggest indicator that Goofy had definitely remembered things in his own biased light – he couldn't think of a single flaw Millicent had, except being dead. For all his woes, he knew that wasn't right. Everyone had flaws, even gods, given Aphrodite's clumsy idea at healing hearts. It seemed rather disrespectful that he couldn't recall anything Millicent had done wrong. He'd been thinking like that for fifteen straight years, so it was too late, he couldn't remember her any other way. He felt as if he owed her an apology – her and others. “I'm sorry, Agalma.”

“For what?” She tilted her head. Gyro was still going, something about how people communicated without words and how he wanted to develop a language with fingers.

“For treatin' you wrong. I think, well, once everything is all quieted down, once the race is over and we're back home... we should start over.”

She pouted. “Am I going to have to relearn everything?”

“Naw, naw! I just mean... I wanna give our friendship a fresh start. No more comparin' you to anyone but you. I wanna see you as you.”

“Oh!” Agalma clapped her hands together, pleased. “Yes, let's do that! No doing what Aphrodite wants, but what we want! I think that's a nice idea.”

By this point Gyro was winding down, finally remembering he'd initially been talking about grief and sadness. He intended to apologize to his companions, but they were smiling brightly at each other, lost in their own world. It was rather adorable, and he was loathe to interrupted, but a thought had occurred to him. “Agalma? You know we have seats in the back, right?”

“Yes, I know,” Agalma said, resting her head on Goofy's shoulder. “But Goofy is much more comfortable to sit on.” She almost suggested Gyro try for himself, but in a rare moment of actual selfishness, she decided she didn't want him to.

Gyro laughed once more, hoping it didn't sound like mockery. Goofy blushed, and tried to keep his eyes ahead. They left the town behind, and perhaps the man named Pygmalion left some other things behind as well.

~*~

Unlike Goofy, there were many gods who were more than satisfied with doing the same thing for years without end. Even with Aphrodite gone, Mortimer and Gladstone were able to pass their time in their favorite ways, such as getting hammered and reciting their own poetry. On occasion they would remember that Aphrodite existed, mourn their loss as if she'd died instead of happily wedding someone else, and then resume their own fanciful hobbies. As such they expected no trouble that day, both of them coincidentally occupying the same spot. Mortimer was trying a new flavor of wine, and in his excitement had spilled enough to create a large puddle, which allowed Gladstone to admire his reflection.

This saved Pete time, for which he was grateful. Instead of hunting them both down, he grabbed them both by the collar and began to drag them away, while they gagged and yelled as they uselessly flailed around.

“What's the big idea, you big lug?” Mortimer tried to dig his feet in the ground, but his weight meant nothing compared to Pete's might. “Put me down!”

“Did I miss something?” Gladstone frantically tapped on Pete's fingers, trying to get his attention. “Last I checked, didn't we stop fighting?”

Pete grinned, every tooth looking sharp and dangerous. “You two are the only ones I can count on for this super special mission! You should feel honored, you're about to become part of history!” More specifically, they were the weakest gods on Mount Olympus, which meant Pete could bully them into doing what he wanted very easily. Other gods and visiting creatures took one glance at the dragged deities and merely shrugged. If it didn't involve them, why care? Mortimer and Gladstone conceded that had the positions been reversed, they wouldn't have lifted a finger either.

The two were shoved into Pete's ��room”, which now contained heaps and mounds and piles of marble. Pete pushed them towards the rocky mess, and then slapped hammers and chisels into their hands. “You two are going to carve a hundred statues! A billion statues! A kajillion-bazillion-megastupendoushugeillion statues!”

“That is absolutely not a real word,” Gladstone started, trying to shove his share of the tools into Mortimer's hands. “And I am absolutely not doing it!”

“Same here!” Mortimer argued, shoving them right back into Gladstone's hands. “I've got better things to do than make statues of you. Like napping.”

“First, you're not making statues of me,” Pete informed them as he crossed his arms, looming over them and reminding them of just how tall and mighty he was. “You're making mortal-like statues. And second, you are going to make them, or else.”

“...Or else involves pain, doesn't it,” Gladstone guessed after a mighty gulp, and Mortimer felt himself shrinking under Pete's ferocious gaze.

“N-Now, wait, I think we're all forgetting something important here!” Mortimer vaguely gestured outside of the room, hoping his panicky voice would draw attention. “Once Zeus finds out you're beating us up for not doing what you want, he'll beat you up right back!”

At this Pete let out an amused little guffaw, rubbing Mortimer and Gladstone's head as if they were tiny children who misunderstood a basic lesson. “Aw, that was real cute. But here's the thing, fellas. Us bein' gods and drinkin' ambrosia and all, none of us can ever die. So Zeus can pummel me all he wants, but I'll get back up! The only reason he's the so-called King around here is because he led the gods against his dad. His title is nothin' but a fancy medal. The only reason he ever stops our fighting is when it annoys him! So what if he gets a little creative with his punishments? I'm the God of War, pain's my deal! Why, if I finally found someone who could give me an actual beat down, I'd be the happiest guy on Mount Olympus! Buuut...” He stretched the word out before smashing their heads together and letting them crumple to the floor like tossed garbage. “Weaklings like you can't stand it. And I don't mind beating you up for eternity if it means you do what I want!”

Gladstone could feel his head swimming from the impact, afraid to lift himself up. “I hate when he's right.”

“Has he ever been right?” Mortimer mumbled, only grateful that gods couldn't bruise so his good looks were unaffected.

“I still hate it.” Although they both shuddered at the idea of doing actual labor and, ugh, sweating, it was better than the alternative. Gladstone begrudgingly began to pick up the dropped tools. “How many of these things do we have to make? And why are we making them?”

“I'll tell you when the time is right.” When the men had finally gotten to their feet, Pete kicked them in the rump, sending them crashing into the marble. “And the time ain't right until I say it's right! So quit bellyaching and get to work! Just make me as many statues of mortals as possible until it's impossible!” His victims ultimately decided that asking any further questions would lead to more aches, so they reluctantly began their attempts. Within seconds they were audibly whining and moaning about having to use their muscles, and Pete rolled his eyes so hard they strained. “All right, you big babies, you get one detail. This is going to bring Aphrodite back.”

The god of poetry and the god of slurred poetry paused, glancing back at Pete.

“This is going to bring back the goddess of love and beauty?” Mortimer asked, curiosity and intrigue making the work seem a little less difficult.

“You can guarantee it?” Gladstone questioned, eager to see the prettiest person who ever existed, especially if it meant they had another shot of keeping her here.

“Absolutely!” Pete pounded on his chest with each syllable. “This is going to bring her back, I swear it upon my honor as a god!” If Mortimer and Gladstone thought more with their heads and less with other parts of their anatomy, they might have realized Pete had no honor. As it was, they were eager to see her again, the perfect decoration for Mount Olympus. So while they still dreaded doing actual labor, they withheld their complaints for the time-being.

Since they could never tire out, and never needed to eat or sleep, they were forced to keep going and learn as they went. They were worried about Pete lashing out at their hideous creations, but Pete hadn't hired them for works of beauty. As long as it had two arms and two legs, it was good enough for his master plan.

How many would be enough? It was hard to say, but he knew he couldn't have them carving for infinity or his plan would never get off the ground. So instead of waiting for the number of statues, he would wait a certain number of days before getting the necessary second ingredient for his idea. By then, he would surely have enough. Besides, once the idea was set into motion, he could always make his lackeys work again. Eternity was a wonderful thing if you cared for no one and nothing but your own pleasures.

As he watched the marble become chipped and dusty, nothing could wipe the sneer from his face. In that moment, he knew Aphrodite had been born for him, for she was the only person who could give him what he longed for most – his forever war.

[samuelfields]

Mental Illness Deserves A Sick Day Just Like A Physical Illness

What’s great about America is that we’ve got a highly productive workforce that grinds like no other. We invent some of the greatest products and consistently build some of the largest companies in the world.

What’s sad about America is that we’re working ourselves to an early death. We pride ourselves on working double digit work hours a day. We pack our schedules to the brim and never give ourselves a break.

I’m guilty of adopting the “always be grinding” mentality because I landed a a dream job in New York City after college and then migrated to San Francisco, another hyper-competitive city. I didn’t want to take my luck for granted, so I tended to constantly push myself to the limit.

Even after I left full-time work in 2012 after 13 years of 60-80-hour work weeks, I still wanted to keep the intensity up with my writing on Financial Samurai. I was free to kick back and do whatever thanks to passive income, but I refused to live a life of leisure after the first six months of freedom.

Unnecessary self-imposed pressures are why so many of us aren’t as happy as we should be. As soon as I let go of my perennial goals of outperforming the S&P and reaching ever higher website growth, I started to feel happier.

Accept Your Mental Illness

Nobody bats an eye if you tell them you’re planning on taking several days off because you’ve come down with the flu or some nasty bacteria. Falling physically ill is normal, especially if you’ve got little ones running around.

But nobody comes out and admits they have a mental illness that’s keeping them down. Yet I argue we all experience some sort of mental illness at some point in our lives.

I come down with a mental illness at least once a year.

Sometimes I get depressed about how unfair life is. My depression always focuses on why some people have so much opportunity, while other people have so little opportunity.

I go through a guilt phase where I often ask, why me? During this time period, I have no desire to hang out with anyone. I start thinking wild ideas like relocating to Virginia over Hawaii because I need a certain amount of suffering to feel more worthy.

While living in Malaysia, one of my friends died in a car accident at age 15. He lost control and rammed into a tree off the highway. Yes, he legally wasn’t allowed to drive, but we were irreverent. The passenger in the front seat didn’t survive either.

We were skateboard buddies from different schools who would hang out over the weekend. He was one of the coolest kids around and I wanted to go out with him to the club that night, but he ignored me because I was only 13.

The next day, I called Mark to ask whether he wanted to hang out. I will always remember his mother’s voice telling me he had passed away.

I have survivor’s guilt. I’ve learned that one of the best ways of overcoming this mental condition is to journal my thoughts and be useful to others. Over the years, no other activity has helps me more.

The reason why I started Financial Samurai in July 2009 was due to extreme anxiety and fear that I was going to lose everything I spent 10 years building up until the financial crisis.

I had nightmares of having to go back to work flipping burgers at McDonald’s for a tyrant manager. As a result, perhaps I am more sensitive to financial loss than the average person.

Through my posts and now through the Financial Samurai Forum, I’ve found a supportive community that acts as my supplemental mental health care system. Over the years, so many folks have reached out to share similar thoughts.

Take Sick Days For Your Mental Health

When I advised employees to take sick days instead of PTO in my post, Using Vacation Days Before A Severance Negotiation, I expected some readers to question my advice given our always be grinding society.

Here are a couple responses of disapproval,

“Your suggestion of using sick days in lieu of vacation days is a gray area. Some companies have policies which theoretically forbid that. Or, if you use a certain amount of sick days in a row (say 3 or more) you have to get a doctors note. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be relaxing on the beach in Hawaii having to call my boss each day pretending to be sick.“

“Taking a sick day when I am not sick? Sorry, my moral code won’t let me go there. A day’s pay used to be worth a couple of grand, that is significant, but the price of my word, that is nonnegotiable, or priceless, if it is a Visa commercial. And if the company is being evil, well, that’s on them, I’m fine with fighting but I only fight fair regardless of how someone else fights. What anyone else does, not my problem, what I do, I have to live with that guy.“

To a manager or CEO, these responses are music to their ears. Their goal is to have employees be max loyal to the firm, while they enrich themselves with max reward.

What the commenters don’t recognize is the importance of taking sick days to improve one’s mental health. Their automatic assumption is that sick days are only for physical illnesses, which is a big blind spot.

I used to work at a firm that allowed a three-month sabbatical for every five years of work. Unfortunately, no manager ever took a sabbatical, which meant that nobody else took a sabbatical out of fear of getting a crap bonus or worse.

But after my 8th year at the firm, I decided to take a step towards living a more balanced life by taking all my vacation days. For the last three years at my old firm, I took six weeks off a year and loved it. I stopped giving a crap about what others thought.

Interestingly, while I took six weeks off a year, my production improved. Unfortunately, my firm didn’t properly compensate me for my production. But instead of complaining, I negotiated a severance.

Types Of Mental Illnesses

Perhaps you still have doubts about how common mental illness really is. Well here is an infographic that puts together many mental health issues. I’ve written most of them out since there are so many and the graph is so small.

Types Of Anxiety

Agora

PTSD

OCD

Acute Stress Disorder

Adjustment Disorder

Substance Induced

Separation Anxiety

Selective Mutism

Caffeine Induced

Androphobia (fear of men)

Panic

Social

Generalized

Types Of Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective

Paranoid

Brief Psychotic

Schizophrenium

Delusional

Shared Psychotic

Disorganized/ Hebephrenia

Cenesthopathic

Types Of Eating Disorders

Anorexia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge Eating

Eating Disorder Not Other Specified (EDNOS)

Atypical

Purging

Night/Nocturnal

Orthorexia

Pica

Types Of Self Harm

Cutting

Carving

Using Objects (kicking or punching a wall)

Scratching

Picking

Ripping Skin off

Promiscuity

Burning

Hair Pulling

Rubbing objects on the skin

Misusing or Abusing Alcohol or drugs

Eating Disorders

Suicide Attempt

Law Breaking

Poisoning with toxic chemicals

Excessive exercise

Multiple piercings and/or tattoos

Overspending money

Types of ADD/ADHD

Inattentive

Hyperactive-Impulsive

Classic ADD

Overfocused ADD

Temporal Lobe ADD

Limbic ADD

Ring of Fire ADD

Anxious ADD

Types of Addiction

Alcoholism

Drugs

Nicotine

Food

Gambling

Internet

Sexual

Shopping

Work

Video Games

Plastic Surgery

OTC Medications

Arson

People Pleasing

Perfectionism

Sick Days Are Built Into Your Compensation Package

Not utilizing your sick days or PTO or not taking unemployment benefits is foolish because they are part of your compensation package. Your employer pays unemployment insurance, which directly affects your compensation.

Don’t be a proud ignoramus like me who only took maybe 15 sick days after 11 years of service, when I was allotted 77 sick days. Definitely don’t be one of those people who hoard their PTO and actually lose some of their days because they exceeded the carryover limit.

Take your sick days, take your vacation days, use short-term disability and long-term disability when needed.

You don’t feel bad about your employer subsidizing most of your healthcare costs. So why should you feel bad about taking sick days?

If your employer gets around the unpaid PTO issue by offering unlimited PTO, your mission is to take more PTO, especially if you are planning to do something else. Test the the word “unlimited.” So long as you’re hitting your performance metrics, you should be fine.

We’re in a tight labor market folks. The very least you can do is take advantage of all your benefits. And for goodness sake, let’s all accept that mental illness affects us all in some way.

Once you embrace the ubiquity of mental illness, you will develop more empathy for those whom you find disagreeable. Peace and love.

Related:

Using The Family Medical Leave Act To Negotiate A Severance

Sweet (Or Sweat) Dreams Of Becoming A Millionaire again

The Book That Changed My Life And Made Me Rich Again

Readers, why doesn’t society do a better job at recognizing mental illnesses? Why do some people feel embarrassed or conflicted about taking sick days or PTO? Have people been conditioned this badly to not recognize their benefits?

The post Mental Illness Deserves A Sick Day Just Like A Physical Illness appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Finance https://www.financialsamurai.com/mental-illness-deserves-a-sick-day-just-like-a-physical-illness/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[ronaldmrashid]

Mental Illness Deserves A Sick Day Just Like A Physical Illness

What’s great about America is that we’ve got a highly productive workforce that grinds like no other. We invent some of the greatest products and consistently build some of the largest companies in the world.

What’s sad about America is that we’re working ourselves to an early death. We pride ourselves on working double digit work hours a day. We pack our schedules to the brim and never give ourselves a break.

I’m guilty of adopting the “always be grinding” mentality because I landed a a dream job in New York City after college and then migrated to San Francisco, another hyper-competitive city. I didn’t want to take my luck for granted, so I tended to constantly push myself to the limit.

Even after I left full-time work in 2012 after 13 years of 60-80-hour work weeks, I still wanted to keep the intensity up with my writing on Financial Samurai. I was free to kick back and do whatever thanks to passive income, but I refused to live a life of leisure after the first six months of freedom.

Needless self-imposed pressures are why so many of us aren’t as happy as we should be. As soon as I let go of my perennial goals of outperforming the S&P and reaching ever higher website growth, I started to feel happier.

Accept Your Mental Illness

Nobody bats an eye if you tell them you’re planning on taking several days off because you’ve come down with the flu or some nasty bacteria. Falling physically ill is normal, especially if you’ve got little ones running around.

But nobody comes out and admits they have a mental illness that’s keeping them down. Yet I argue we all experience some sort of mental illness at some point in our lives.

I come down with a mental illness at least once a year.

Sometimes I get depressed about how unfair life is. My depression always focuses on why some people have so much opportunity, while other people have so little opportunity.

I go through a guilt phase where I often ask, why me? During this time period, I have no desire to hang out with anyone. I start thinking wild ideas like relocating to Virginia over Hawaii because I need a certain amount of suffering to feel more worthy.

While living in Malaysia, one of my friend’s died in a car accident at age 15. He lost control and rammed into a tree off the highway. Yes, he legally wasn’t allowed to drive, but we were irreverent in Kuala Lumpur. The passenger in the front seat didn’t survive either.

We were skateboard buddies from different schools who would hang out over the weekend. He was one of the coolest kids around and I wanted to go out with him to the club that night, but he ignored me because I was only 13.

The next day, I called Mark to ask whether he wanted to hang out. I will always remember his mother’s voice telling me he had passed away.

I have survivor’s guilt. I’ve learned that one of the best ways of overcoming this mental condition is to journal my thoughts and be useful to others. Over the years, no other activity has helps me more.

The reason why I started Financial Samurai in July 2009 was due to extreme anxiety and fear that I was going to lose everything I spent 10 years building up until the financial crisis.

I had nightmares of having to go back to work flipping burgers at McDonald’s for a tyrant manager. As a result, perhaps I am more sensitive to financial loss than the average person.

Through my posts and now through the Financial Samurai Forum, I’ve found a supportive community that acts as my supplemental mental health care system. Over the years, so many folks have reached out to share similar thoughts.

Take Sick Days For Your Mental Health

When I advised employees to take sick days instead of PTO in my post, Using Vacation Days Before A Severance Negotiation, I expected some readers to question my advice given our grinding society.

Here are a couple negative responses,

“Your suggestion of using sick days in lieu of vacation days is a gray area. Some companies have policies which theoretically forbid that. Or, if you use a certain amount of sick days in a row (say 3 or more) you have to get a doctors note. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be relaxing on the beach in Hawaii having to call my boss each day pretending to be sick.“

“Taking a sick day when I am not sick? Sorry, my moral code won’t let me go there. A day’s pay used to be worth a couple of grand, that is significant, but the price of my word, that is nonnegotiable, or priceless, if it is a Visa commercial. And if the company is being evil, well, that’s on them, I’m fine with fighting but I only fight fair regardless of how someone else fights. What anyone else does, not my problem, what I do, I have to live with that guy.“

To a manager or CEO, these responses are music to their ears. Their goal is to have employees be max loyal to the firm, while they enrich themselves with max reward.

What the commenters don’t recognize is the importance of taking sick days to improve one’s mental health. Their automatic assumption is that sick days are only for physical illnesses, which is a big blind spot.

I used to work at a firm that allowed a three-month sabbatical for every five years of work. Unfortunately, no manager ever took a sabbatical, which meant that nobody else took a sabbatical out of fear of getting a crap bonus or worse.

But after my 8th year at the firm, I decided to take a step towards living a more balanced life by taking all my vacation days. For the last three years at my old firm, I took six weeks off a year and loved it. I stopped giving a crap about what others thought.

Interestingly, while I took six weeks off a year, my production improved. Unfortunately, my firm didn’t properly compensate me for my production. But instead of complaining, I negotiated a severance.

Types Of Mental Illnesses

Perhaps you still have doubts about how common mental illness really is. Well here is an infographic that puts together many mental health issues. I’ve written most of them out since there are so many and the graph is so small.

Types Of Anxiety

Agora

PTSD

OCD

Acute Stress Disorder

Adjustment Disorder

Substance Induced

Separation Anxiety

Selective Mutism

Caffeine Induced

Androphobia (fear of men)

Panic

Social

Generalized

Types Of Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective

Paranoid

Brief Psychotic

Schizophrenium

Delusional

Shared Psychotic

Disorganized/ Hebephrenia

Cenesthopathic

Types Of Eating Disorders

Anorexia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge Eating

Eating Disorder Not Other Specified (EDNOS)

Atypical

Purging

Night/Nocturnal

Orthorexia

Pica

Types Of Self Harm

Cutting

Carving

Using Objects (kicking or punching a wall)

Scratching

Picking

Ripping Skin off

Promiscuity

Burning

Hair Pulling

Rubbing objects on the skin

Misusing or Abusing Alcohol or drugs

Eating Disorders

Suicide Attempt

Law Breaking

Poisoning with toxic chemicals

Excessive exercise

Multiple piercings and/or tattoos

Overspending money

Types of ADD/ADHD

Inattentive

Hyperactive-Impulsive

Classic ADD

Overfocused ADD

Temporal Lobe ADD

Limbic ADD

Ring of Fire ADD

Anxious ADD

Types of Addiction

Alcoholism

Drugs

Nicotine

Food

Gambling

Internet

Sexual

Shopping

Work

Video Games

Plastic Surgery

OTC Medications

Arson

People Pleasing

Perfectionism

Sick Days Are Built Into Your Compensation Package

Not utilizing your sick days or PTO or not taking unemployment benefits is foolish because they are part of your compensation package. Your employer pays unemployment insurance, which directly affects your compensation.

Don’t be a proud ignoramus like me who only took maybe 15 sick days after 11 years of service, when I was allotted 77 sick days. Definitely don’t be one of those people who hoard their PTO and actually lose some of their days because they exceeded the carryover limit.

Take your sick days, take your vacation days, use short-term disability and long-term disability when needed.

You don’t feel bad about your employer subsidizing most of your healthcare costs. So why should you feel bad about taking sick days?

If your employer gets around the unpaid PTO issue by offering unlimited PTO, your mission is to take more PTO, especially if you are planning to do something else. Test the the word “unlimited.” So long as you’re hitting your performance metrics, you should be fine.

We’re in a tight labor market folks. The very least you can do is take advantage of all your benefits. And for goodness sake, let’s all accept that mental illness affects us all in some way.

Once you embrace the ubiquity of mental illness, you will develop more empathy for those whom you find uncomfortable.

Related: Using The Family Medical Leave Act To Negotiate A Severance

Readers, why doesn’t society do a better job at recognizing mental illnesses? Why do some people feel embarrassed or conflicted about taking sick days or PTO? Have people been conditioned this badly to not recognize their benefits?

The post Mental Illness Deserves A Sick Day Just Like A Physical Illness appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from https://www.financialsamurai.com/mental-illness-deserves-a-sick-day-just-like-a-physical-illness/

[dungeonsandragonswriting]

Demetry Journals

1033 Durcas, 26 Selembra - I killed Horus, he tried to stop me. I restrained myself at first, out of habit, but I realized, he doesn’t matter. I fought him defensively but when this occurred to me, I plunged my fist into his chest. I could feel his heart brush my hand as it beat out. I felt no joy in it but no remorse either. He could have let me go, but his decision not to ended his life. I did not wish him dead, he was a good man, but no man good or ill will stop me.

1033 Ducas, 2 Orical - I keep getting propositioned by mercenary bands and lesser lords for my talents. I refuse them all, I want more than this. What use do I have of them, they all say they could use me. One of the order confronted me in the market today. I told him I wasn’t interested in killing him, that he should go back and tell everyone not to follow me. He didn’t, killing him was almost easier than Horus. Unfortunately, there was quite the crowd when we fought. I have to leave this place before...

1033 Ducas, 3 Orical - Interesting, I’ve been talking to a very intriguing man for the last couple hours. At first he seemed like the rest, but he didn’t say “We need you.” He said “My compatriots think you’re dangerous, but I find your skills intriguing and valuable.” He then challenged me to a game of Gallus. I told him that requires more players, and he, under his breath, said I was unimaginative. I declined the offer a second time, so he asked me to punch him. I declined this offer as well and, while I was, he pulled him sword and swung at me. I tried to break his sword but it must be magical, so I blocked the blow instead. Looking at my fist he said he expected nothing less from a former Steel Fist Order member. I asked his name but as he sheathed his weapon he said he’d tell me if we met again. I must know this man.

1033 Ducas, 8 Orical - I’ve tried to gather any information I can an my visitor a week ago. I’ve gotten very little, all anyone can tell me is he sounds like he may have been a lord somewhere. I need to try in Edessen, there seems to be to much backwater in Rhoador. It’ll take weeks to get there, but I may have better luck. In any case, I need to put more distance between me and the order, another member sought me out. She lived but only barely, she was more skilled than the previous. Our fight lasted longer than I could afford and guards started to come at us before I could finish her. I don’t need that kind of trouble, my movement would be restricted to much if the law becomes involed.

1033 Ducas, 15 Orical - Finally, some credible and more detailed information. The further south I was getting, the more details people seem to be able to recall. Now I know that this man is indeed a lord, they say his name is Leondas Phalsif the III. A grand title, now that I have a name maybe I can get more details. I also heard a rumor that Kline, the teaching master of the Steel Fist Order, is now out looking for me. I doubt he knows that I’ve headed much farther south, but he is one I will have to watch out for. I may have been the only one to mastered all of the combat techniques in the last ten years, but he has seen many more fights than I. His experience will undoubtedly be the deciding factor. I need more experience outside of training.

1033 Ducas, 25 Orical - I was spotted a few days ago by an order member. He didn’t confront me, a wise choice on his part, but he will tell the others where to look for me. Good news, however, Leondas happens to be one of the advisors to the Emperor of Edesse. Now that sounds like a man to lend my skills to, I also need to figure out why he sought my skills in the first place.

1033 Ducas, 31 Orical - I’m getting close to the border now, hopefully I can make it before the master gets close. It seems like every town I go through there is someone watching me. If I make it though, he will have no right to follow into Edessen. Fortunately for me the City of Crossroads is only days away, and the border, a mere week from there. I hope no unexpected surprises await me there, but at this point I should expect heavy resistance.

1033 Ducas, 5 Nomber - As I suspected, the order was waiting for me in Kurtz. Several members out on various assignments were waiting for me, they were merely a distraction. They were trying to slow me down so their master could catch up to me. I refused to play their games and cut through them like a scythe through wheat. They were recruits and initiates, mostly, the only skilled among them was an intermediate. She showed much promise, she’s the only one I’ve felt bad about killing. I tried to spare her but she didn’t know to quit. I hope to find out her name one day, she should be remembered. I’ve almost made it to the boarder, but I’ve had to travel nonstop to stay ahead of my former masters. I’m very tired and must stop after I cross, however I don’t think they will give me that reprieve.

1033 Ducas, 8 Nomber - Tara, her name was Tara, The training master told me. I could see the order closing in at I got to the border. Fortunately for me, the crossing is actually guarded and I was able to get through before they caught up with me. Once on Edessen soil I took a short rest before I started to run. They were on my heels when I collapsed from exhaustion, they picked me up and began to drag me back to Rhoador. I asked why they didn’t just kill me there, master Kline told me it was not allowed in Rhoador. Something about a treaty signed decades ago. As they drug me back I rested and it gave me time to amass enough strength to escape from my holders and defend myself against them. All I had to do was hold out till the border guards notice us and break up the fight. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but I was still exhausted and they were fairly good. They got in a couple hits and I severely wounded one of them, when master Kline ordered them to stop. He approached me and readied his stance. My lungs burning, my chest pounding, I formed a defensive stance to counter any move he may make. I saw his move at the last second and blocked, as we shared blows none of us noticed the guards approach. They separated us and I collapsed again, once they found out who they were, they immediately began to usher them back to Rhoador. As they walked away I asked her name, Kline told me Tara. I’m going to need time after today.

1033 Ducas, 14 Nomber - I haven’t made it far, I’ve been resting from my self induced forced march. I’ve had to acquired warmer clothing with winter approaching, and this heavier outfit is going to hinder my abilities. I must train in the cold so I can shed these cloths. I need to regain more strength, I am still a little weak from the pursuit. I’ve heard I’ve made waves here in Edessen. My incident at the border is gaining intriguer and speculation. I must leave as soon as I am able.

1033 Ducas, 16 Nomber - I left in the night, people began to identify me in passing. Melbluff is the city I must get to, but the road is long and it will take weeks. I must focus my mind and body to my craft, and find new techniques to steel my resolve and increase my lethality. I keep hearing rumors of this Leondas, and If I am to meet him again I must improve. He seemed impressed before but he must fear what I have become.

1033 Ducas, 22 Nomber - The plan was to stop in Heathford, but it appears the rumors are out pacing me. I’m going to have to stay distant from populations, this could be a blessing in disguise though. Staying distant will help me develop my arts and cope with the cold. I’ve been trying to keep to wooded areas, which give me places and things to train. I find it easy to gather firewood without tools. I need to work on felling whole trees then carve them up. My strike must be able to break through steel, not merely bend or crack it. I want to smash and shatter these peons weapons and armor, so the only ones with can actually challenge me are those who deserve to.

1033 Ducas, 28 Nomber - They tried to stop me in Deawich, I had to restrain myself as to not have the entirety of the country after me. However, I have been training hard and don’t know my own strength anymore. I may have killed a guard, which would be inconvenient for the rest of my journey. I’ll have to travel around the north of the lakes to the south, the Davshar Lakes I believe. The north and west sides of these lakes and supposed to be very sparsely populated, which now is what I need. I will have to fast, most likely, while traversing the countryside, but I doubt the military base on the east side who welcome me with open arms.

1033 Ducas, 3 Dembra - Snow has been falling for the last few days and yet the more I train the more layers I seem to shed. The only problem I have is the wind, so I must keep on a tight cloth layer when in open ground. Fortunately, this doesn’t limit my movement much, but I must fine a tailor or a new coat. My muscles have grown and I’m know I am close to taking down a tree with one strike. Progress has been slow since I have no map or roads to follow. I’ve met few people out here but they have given me helpful direction, it’s to bad that’s all they are really good for.

1033 Ducas, 6 Dembra - I did it, yesterday I fell a foot wide tree in one punch. Getting it split up gave me a chance to practice more, which I need for certain. I was only able to repeat the feat once more, but it is a sign that my training is paying off. I have decided to stay here for a few days to train and meditate. This is the first time I’ve had to set up a more permanent camp. I finally am putting the survival skill I learned to use, but I am sensing something watching me here. I haven’t been able to spot it yet, but it seems to get closer the more time I spend here.

1033 Ducas, 8 Dembra - A little girl has been watching me train all this time. After I found out what was watching me, I tried to ignore her. She was persistent, however, and made me dinner last night while I was training. I have not actually met this girl yet but clearly she is growing attached to me. The dinner she made was very good, she has talent, but I must not give her too much hope. She lives in the middle of nowhere and if this is here only real skill there is no hope for her.

1033 Ducas, 9 Dembra - Tara, I meditated on her today, and the little girl approached and talked to me. Her name is also Tara, it took all the inner strength I had to not break meditation. I tried to ignore her, but she kept talking to me until I was done and walked away to train. She thanked me, SHE thanked ME for listening, I was trying to ignore her. I still haven’t said a word to her, and she, again, made a meal for me tonight. It was exquisite, oxhorn steak with vegetables. Something so simple yet so tasty I don’t know how she does it. I may indulge her and talk to her.

1033 Ducas, 10 Dembra - I talked to Tara, she lives with her father not far from here. I hadn’t really noticed but she’s been taking fire wood I’ve been making and paying in meals. This seems a more than far exchange for me and means that I can get more practice in. She is a sweet girl and, dare I say, very knowledgeable cook. No older than 13 and she can make some of the most tasty things with a campfire. I feel I must widen my view of worthy talents, cause she must be worth, especially considering her age. I don’t think I have ever eaten so well, and we are nowhere near a city. Once I achieve my current goal I should return and bring her talent to light.

1033 Ducas, 13 Dembra - These past few days have been very happy ones for me, but I should have know that they could not have lasted. Her father found out where the fire wood was coming from and where there winter food was going and punished her. She came to me today with a black eye and a split lip saying that she could no longer see me. I pressed her on who had done this to her and she, finally told me that her father was the one responsible. I told her to take me to her home but she refused. She apologized and ran off, I tracked her back to her home. I killed her father, I didn’t mean to but my new found strength makes it hard to judge the appropriate force. After I killed him, I told Tara that she should come with me and practice her craft. She said she’d never follow a cold blooded murderer like me. I told her that she didn’t understand, we are both craftsmen in our fields and have no need of people without such skills. She told me to get out, she is obviously not ready to except her skill and talents, so I bid her farewell.

1033 Ducas, 18 Dembra - I have refocused on my training, having lost momentary focus while trying to help little Tara. I noticed something while splitting a tree apart, the snow around the tree flies away. So, I tried a strike to the ground and the ground around me rumbled just slightly. This is the next step in my training, and if I can expand upon new found ability, I have no idea how far I can go. I’ll have to try a few different techniques to see what my new strength is capable of.

1033 Ducas, 28 Dembra - My punch art has increased, I found, just the other day, that, I can force my fists through the very air! Now, it doesn’t reach more than maybe half a foot, but if I can get more reach out of this technique it will be impressive to say the least. I’ve been able to consistantly down trees almost two feet wide and crack them apart. I can only imagine what I can now do to the average city guard.

1033 Ducas, 31 Dembra - A snow storm has had me hunkered down form a couple days. I’d rather not try and continue for fear of getting lost. I may be superior with my fists but I’ll get lost in these conditions. I’ve been able to fell a tree without touching it however, but I’ve only been able to get it to work less than an inch away. I hope I’m getting closer to my target.

1034 Ducas, 4 Jandith - I have reached the first of the lakes, finally. I at least know I’m headed in the right direction. There hasn’t been much to train on but I’ve been trying to get my strikes to push the earth more and more. I’ve been getting the ground to push up into spikes from out around me, but I haven’t been able to direct the destruction in a direction. I’ll keep working on it, but I don’t think I’ll be able to achieve what I hope for this skill.

1034 Ducas, 7 Jandith - I believe I’m at the southern tip one of the northern most Davshar Lake. I hope it begins to warm up more as i head south, I have not been fond of this cold. I’m missing something with my training. I haven’t progressed past the basics of any of my recent skills. I have been increasing the power of my strikes a bit though. The last tree I downed must have been a foot and a half in diameter. It took a couple of seconds but I heard a low rumble, then a loud crack as it toppled from the hit. I think I should give my hands a rest or I’ll run out of bandages before I reach Melbluff.

1034 Ducas, 11 Jandith - Another snow storm has me holding my ground. This time I have no trees to help shelter me from the wind. I found a small dugout to help protect some, but I get covered in snow every night. I thought about looking for better shelter, but I can barely see my outreached hand. I have to keep digging myself out every couple hours, but at least there’s plenty of water.

1034 Ducas, 12 Jandith - I got angry and punched the ground, the force pushed the hole to expand and all the snow around me flew away. For a moment I could see the ground and it took a second for the snow to begin falling again. So the missing dynamic is anger, that’s why I was missing it. I have to find another way to pull on that force though. Anger during intense combat makes one take stupid action and can get one killed. I’ll have to meditate on this.

1034 Ducas, 15 Jandith - The snow finally let up, now my path is nothing but white fluff. Navigating this will be interesting, all I have to use to find my way is the sun. Upon meditating, I came to the realization that to gain more power I must balance my focus and rage. If I can train myself to tap into my rage just before I strike, I will be unstoppable in close quarters. For now I must focus on just getting to my destination.

1034 Ducas, 21 Jandith - My traveling since the storm has been fairly smooth, and the snow has begun to melt a bit. I can see the edge of the lake at least, I have to follow it down to the Davshar River and follow that to the main road from there. I still have a week or so to get to my destination.

1034 Ducas, 26 Jandith - I, finally, reached the river. I had a run in with some wildlife, a large wolf. I tried to avoid her but it must have felt threatened by me and charged. I caved in it’s skull when it got close. She was almost a dire, it was definitely big enough. I don’t need anymore encounters like that, I’m running behind as it is.

1034 Ducas, 30 Jandith - I can see a town in the distance and the main road. I decided to stop for the night to put as much distance between me and this town tomorrow. It shouldn’t take me long to get to Melbluff now, given I don’t run into anybody looking for me on the way.

1034 Ducas, 2 Tenga - I made it, I haven’t found Leondas yet, but I’ve been making inquiries. This city is huge, even so, people seem to know Leondas, but have no idea how to get in touch with him. I didn’t realize that this man could have been so elusive. I’ll have to try a different tact in finding him.

1034 Ducas, 5 Tenga - This city is loathsome, I wasn’t fond of it when I arrived, but, having spent time here, I find myself leaving often to train or meditate. If it wasn’t for my search I would have left long ago. If I don’t locate Leondas by the end of the week, I must rid myself of this place.

1034 Ducas, 6 Tenga - Wanted posters with my likeness are being posted around town. I’ve changed my attire to appear more common and less monk like. If I don’t find Leondas tomorrow, I must leave regardless.

1034 Ducas, 7 Tenga - I woke to two figures in my room, they must be skilled to not be able to wake me. They asked who I was and why I had an interest in Leondas. I told them of our meeting months earlier and of his proposition. One looked at the other and mumbled something I could make out. Then they told me to wait here and they’d be back to fetch me, finally, something seems to be happening. Let’s see how this plays out.

1034 Ducas, 12 Tenga - It’s been nonstop since the other morning. It turned out that the two that snuck in my room were Leon’s closest allies. Lia and Aelvice and they are skilled. I’ve been displaying my skills and train. Leon is trying to put together an all purpose strike-force with us. I think I’ll challenge him and see how we measure up.

1034 Ducas, 13 Tenga - That was not the best thing I could have done. When I challenged him, he asked me if i was sure, which I was. He then donned a set of full plate armor from... magic and grabbed an extremely unique sword. He lead us to the training yard where we fought, and I couldn’t scratch him. His combination of martial and magical skills and most impressive and fierce. I need to rest for a few days after that, however, I am determined to become powerful enough to intimidate this man.

1034 Ducas, 25 Tenga - They sent me on a mission this week. I was sent to observe and guard a diplomat from the Red Anvil Alliance. He was a boorish Dwarf that kept trying to talk to me, I didn’t see any point. The only time there was trouble was when he went to leave. I got him to his ship, and some men approached and pulled weapons. I rushed them and killed all five of them before they could retreat. Leon wished I’d have captured one, but said I did a good job.

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.