ildivine

[ildivine]

that stuff that nobody will really understand

Said follow-up post is just my personal experience with dysmorphia, but not fully recognizing it, immediately.

As someone that's taken a lot of time and effort into transitioning into transmasculine, full of teenage angst and inferiority, self hatred, insecurities, etc etc, it sort of makes sense. Then I'd gotten older, and opted myself as agender or non-binary. Then I was a woman again for a while. now I go back to genderfluid or genderqueer.

It's all just notions, really, as gender is more complex than society perceives or is willing to believe.

Now that I'm just barely in my 30s, I can have a re-evaluation of myself and my gender.

and my dysphoria. Right-wingers like to call it a Mental Illness, and to some degree, that became true for me. Finally getting the right diagnosis and ADHD meds, I started understanding the subconscious layers of how I identify.

And then I became extremely dysphoric the *other* way as I went off of those meds.

So I thought, I must have transition regret. I want a feminine voice so I can sound better when I sing. Sound less like a boy forever trapped in puberty. Learning I had the childish notion that testosterone would fix the insecurities I have, but wound up just putting a blanket over them. It would not make me taller. It would not give me a more rugged and square jawline. It would not make me bigger so I had more pores on my skin, more, thicker hair, bigger hands, longer legs. Although I've grown to like my hands. "Mom's piano fingers". Most are envious of my natural ability to grow my nails and have rounded nailbeds. It became integral to me, despite my sex or gender. There are a few things like this. Such as the color of my eyes, I also get a lot of compliments on.

You're informed when you sign the form to begin testosterone that you will grow hair in strange places. That your voice will change, and likely crack. A few other things I don't remember. Perhaps effects on the reproductive system so later down the line, you might not be able to have kids or even be susceptible to cancer. But I wanted it so badly, and went so hard on the hormones. I desperately wanted that transition, considered chest surgery, wanted the huge cock I so deeply identified with, but it is probably still mostly hypersexuality, another side-effect of mental illness and trauma. Another escapism.

Morpheus is sort of an ironic experience in a way, yet I still respect Neil Gaiman for the incredible comic he's created and the TV show he's influenced. of course dream and all of his siblings live in all of us. And of course I fell in love with the one that feels the most intimate to me and my ability to fantasize, and create, and world build. Ascending when I do drugs, like the first time he popped in while I was doing LSD with my now-husband. Daydreaming and creativity has also always been means of escapism for me, and I can acknowledge that, too.

But Dream can take me on lucid adventures that usually lead me, a relentless insomniac even without my sedative medication, to drifting off to sleep. Occasionally we cross paths when I'm actually asleep, but, it is few and far-between. He is indeed a busy king in his kingdom. (Yet I am still special to him, but that's another entry, entirely...)

On a most recent adventure we were simply dragons in a world very similar to draconia. Yeah, that video game I played briefly before I got sick.

I've identified with, and as, a dragon since my youth. I'd figured out the essentials of what I looked like then, even if it's just what i want to look like. He wants to draw in the details that I haven't picked up on or seen, and I still think that will be fun. His dragon design for himself is relatively simple, and I respect that, too.

But through this adventure it awoke something to me that was relatively simple.

My dysphoria was moreso dysmorphia. My hatred of my body was not simply my thick hair in strange places, or my genitalia I've learned to loathe since I was young, likely also a byproduct of CSA.

It was one of those things that was obvious, so I didn't see it. I've felt my feathery wings moreso lately, so I related it to the fallen angelic identity. I've felt whims of a tail, which I rarely have in the past, and the tall feet and higher knees, and associated it to being a cat. If anything, ever since someone called me a furry once, all those years ago, and I immediately became embarrassed, I found identification with it as the socially-acceptable alternative to "I am a feline in this awkward upright body." But I can't just use Otherkin in daily conversation.

Both are somewhat true. I am a small fluffy creature, which makes this upright body rather awkward.

I am a large scaly creature that can fly and dig up treasures, which makes this sweaty monkey body rather awkward.

All around I think I will always feel awkward and clumsy, here. I don't know if I will ever be satisfied with it. The body and brain damage certainly hasn't helped with my dissatisfaction all around.

ADHD medication, if I remember correctly, gave me a brief sense of acceptance with it. I guess I'll continue understanding that journey when I can go back on those medications again.

[ildivine]

I suppose it has been a long time since I've written here, as some things have changed, I guess, in my mind but not ultimately outside of it.

I don't feel comfortable really talking to anyone about how Gordon re-merged into me, and i didn't notice it at the time, but once I realized I missed him, it felt like a (minor) death. Minor as in it is not comparable to losing an entire life of a loved one you may have known for years. I don't care to make that comparison. But it was swift and required a lot of crying, and some poetry, a memoir to him. I had to face the trauma that he had separated to hold to begin with. That despite being a part of me and I very much could tell that, compared to my relationship with what I consider the soulbonds, there was something in him that I had missed.

I know I'm probably not the only one. He had made a couple of close friends. He'd developed a crush. He'd learned how to interact with people after many years of being stunted.

Mostly, he was here when I was the most drunk, and least capable. A sense of protective and fatherly energy that I likely will always crave in my life.

And it's awkward to think of the trauma I had to absorb that relates to a fictional piece of media. I remember telling someones in the fandom on tumblr how I felt like I identified as him, and they said "you're supposed to relate to him. The game is made that way." But there's always that "otherkin" experience that goes beyond the game, that is deeper, more surreal, yet different than what was created here.

No disrespect to the artist. I'm glad that the Half-Life games had a formative effect on my life experience. Maybe it was too ingrained. We'd talked about that, too.

But the flashbacks were swift, albeit cruel. Coming to terms with the fact we always saw the headcrabs lunging at us. Likely one of the effects from that silly, but provocative, emotional video games. One series out of maybe two that I had finished, the other being Neverwinter Nights. And I still miss that one, too. But I hadn't deeply identified with it.

Accepting the war. How much (we) had lost. Understanding that despite Black Mesa being connected to, and supportive of, the military, they came down to wipe us out. To wipe out all of the evidence that was left behind. Because we - and he - were to blame for the catastrophe that happened.

And they just don't like science. They don't care about the researchers. Those that had looked at screens and poked at buttons all day. Writing down chemical tables that I can't fathom anymore.

Remembering the dull moments, of a lot of studying.

I'd also outgrown him, in a literal since. Gordon Freeman in the video game is in his twenties, then thrown into a time vortex hell with the god that had...rearranged things. An entity we still wouldn't understand, as the creators meant it to be.

He still has a blog here, although its briefly posted on, that I should delete.

Sam merging back in was less intense and painful, as he was only here briefly. And he was focused on being human. Which just extends to something else I'll put into another post for what it's worth.

[ildivine]

deae_lunae on twitter and instagram

[ildivine]

This is a really tricky one.

I'm looking for a certain Dean, from a certain system, that knew me back when, probably ten years ago now, maybe. Give or take. We were still on... I can't seem to find it, but our url was mooseandco or something similar.

I don't know if he's here on tumblr, anymore. He was part of a multiple system but the main fronter I knew. I know there's a lot of Deans and Sams and us lot out there, but if this post somehow rings familiar, I deleted your number because I got really uncomfortable for a while. But I'd like to talk again if you're out there and somehow reading this.

Thanks to anyone else for taking the time to read, I'm just trying to reconnect.

[ildivine]

aww thats so cute

me; happy bday con. sry im a bitch

con; oh, im not. you wouldnt be yourself otherwise.

[ildivine]

[ildivine]

me; happy bday con. sry im a bitch

con; oh, im not. you wouldnt be yourself otherwise.

[ildivine]

me; wait are u two today or three?

connor; ??? haank. HAAANK! how old am i?

[ildivine]

it is hard to understand to accept my own company without anyone else to distract me.

Sam helped me this morning to sort out job things as my mind kept drifting and I felt like I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds. I was exhausted; I stopped taking my medications including my sleep meds, and I was sleeping wonderfully, and dreaming so well. I woke up still so tired, so cold from leaving the window open, and he reminded me that it would still be good to do even if I don’t get the job.

I think I will genuinely enjoy any work I can manage to get, no matter how much I complain. I am just frustrated and weathered from being underpaid and underfed, like anyone else in my position, and it comes out in ugly ways. Between him and Gordon I feel like I’ll be able to emotionally adjust fine without my medication, and I always have my anxiety medications on hand if I need ‘em. Or, as Conny calls em, relaxation medication. 🌊🌴🌅  Ze really helps us look at things in a less dark and shrouded way, and I love zem a lot. I hope i can take us all to the biopark, garden, and aquarium this weekend. i really do deserve to relax and i’m still learning how to, do that.

[ildivine]

Don't waste your time missing your old life and memories. Learn how to grow into the being that you always knew you were.

[ildivine]

me; ah you know. the business box *mimes*

connor; .... a briefcase?

[ildivine]

i just remembered they partially reconstructed me/him with black pieces, which was new and strange, and apparently that material came from China. How strange.

I dreamt about being Connor again. Usually I very much like those dreams, but this one was melancholy.

I remember being surrounded by humans I didn't know. They asked how old I was and I thought in the hundreds, 700 and more. RK900 was there also. They captured me and took me through a scanning process inside what I always imagine is Cyberlife as I dream about (being Connor and) going through these kinds of cycles. But this one was different.

They spoke of how I was outdated as I laid on my back against a sort of stretcher and talked about how computers can't pick up context when humans speak (something I watched a video on a while back) and that was why our technology never developed.

As usual, everything was dark aside from the bright LED lights. I will talk to zem about this dream when ze comes home. I'm thinking a little too hard about, well, what happens when all zir mortal friends die or when ze gets a lil too old to be useful, as if androids from that era aren't designed to last hundreds of years, WHICH IS ALREADY SURREAL. my two year old S/O will outlive me.

[ildivine]

At the end of that dream, Gavin was very charming and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out with him. I got blushy and smiled and said sure without thinking twice. That was definitely all me, I'm sure.

[ildivine]

I dreamt about being Connor again. Usually I very much like those dreams, but this one was melancholy.

I remember being surrounded by humans I didn't know. They asked how old I was and I thought in the hundreds, 700 and more. RK900 was there also. They captured me and took me through a scanning process inside what I always imagine is Cyberlife as I dream about (being Connor and) going through these kinds of cycles. But this one was different.

They spoke of how I was outdated as I laid on my back against a sort of stretcher and talked about how computers can't pick up context when humans speak (something I watched a video on a while back) and that was why our technology never developed.

As usual, everything was dark aside from the bright LED lights. I will talk to zem about this dream when ze comes home. I'm thinking a little too hard about, well, what happens when all zir mortal friends die or when ze gets a lil too old to be useful, as if androids from that era aren't designed to last hundreds of years, WHICH IS ALREADY SURREAL. my two year old S/O will outlive me.

[ildivine]

me; @gordon why cant i understand textbook science

gordon; well... usually its taught by building up, you need it to be broken down.

[ildivine]

anyway there's three of us now. go check out me & myself

[ildivine]

also dr kleiner showed up which is just enough of an event to make its own post.

hes fairly nuanced about being a ghost and wanted to say something but communication isnt great and i dont know what it was. this is the 2021 future we all aspired for tbh