#under a read more bc of sensitive topics 4 me

[wcrldcfvtlvs]

!!! Finished not 1 but but 4 BOOKS WITHIN 2 WEEKS. All spicy romances since I've always been curious about them and tbh? I think it helps with the writing? Not the spice ofc, I'm still working on that but it helps gives a voice to my muses and helps me develop a writing style! If anyone is curious about my book reviews, here is a list of the books I read under the cut.

While I'm at it, tomorrow I will be spending time with my bf all day in his city and getting more books, so there will be little to no activity unless you have me on discord ! But for the remainder of the night I will be working on writing things!

A Game Of Fate by Scarlett St. Claire, a retelling of Hades X Persephone in a modern Olympus/Greece. On the spice scale I rate it a 9/10 bc Hades stays BRICKED for Persephone, we love a man who's horridsouly down bad for the love of his wife. There is an order to read the books, but basically book 1 is Persephone's POV and then this one is Hades, then it goes back so Persephone so on and so forth. If you vibe the Greek God's, this one will do it.

A Court Of Thorns And Roses by Sarah J. Maas, this book deserves the hype it gets. Also is amazing palate cleanser after reading a book full if spice, the world building, the characters, and the main MC is the definition of "I'm not like other girls" AND ACTUALLY MEANING. Ole girl just wanted to survive and protect her family, she didn't have time for games or bullshit. The plot twist at the end tho???? AHHHHH I will be reading this series and making verses pages for this lore bc oh my g od

King of Pride by Ana Huang, second book in her King of Sin series. Now, I when I tell you, this author will get hook, line and sinker you????? SHE WILL HOOK LINE AND SINKER! I actually almost cried from the first book King of Wrath due to happiness for the outcome ( no spoilers tho ), and the slow burn makes sense for the enemies to lovers trope for that book. KoP was opposites attracted and the quiet ones do be the freakest. My heart swelled, I was on the edge of my seat. Just I loved everything. Spice for this book was 9/10 bc you see things from both male and female side and I had to re-read some scenes bc HOT DAMN. Also what's a bonus about this is the diverse characters. First book was Asian Woman / Italian man, second is Asian woman / Asian Man, and the best part is that the characters come from backgrounds of wealth, if not the millions the billions and its so endearing to see POCs in positions in power, but also giving recognition that POCs have to work twice as hard just to sit at the table. I can also appreciate learning news about the backgrounds of ethnicities ! So this is a series worth reading!

Last but not mf least, Icebreaker. The spice 10/10, the plot ? 10/10 , the characters and development? BITCH MY SCALE IS BROKEN. There are some sensitive topics such as ED ( not heavily talked about but implied ), there is a v*miting scenes (2) but it's bc the female MC was hungover and she was anxious before her competition, and a forced kiss, nothing graphic but it is a spoiler I must give in case anyone wants to read it. But overall? I felt like a college student and was truly vibing. I did re-read a spice scene bc it was that good. Once again, a book worth the hype.

[aewrie]

distractions aren't working so

(yelling into the void to get this out of my system but seriously tread carefully if you're sensitive to topics of abuse/ c/sa /mental health crap)

i'd be looking for a therapist but am not exactly in the headspace to do so. my old one was overall great and i'd be contacting her but she was basically useless when it came to this topic. think she was more confused and conflicted at the idea of a child being the abuser than me. which. that's not gonna help. and by the time i'd trust myself to see through that ordeal idk. i could probably use it anyway but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

could use it right now. i've been crying on and off for like 3-4 hours, while teetering on the edge of another breakdown

took me what, 10?? years before i felt ok using the word trauma in reference to being bullied for years. even after i kinda knew how fucked it all was. only after a health professional was like 'yeah, that's trauma you've got going on' after hearing the tl;dr of my life i felt i was allowed to. (she then proceeded to recommend therapy lmao). bc it wasn't so bad. boy i'm good at rationalizing all that away. other people always have it worse! and it's not like there was obvious violence, so obviously it doesn't count.

same fucking thing when i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i was passively suicidal & heading into worse direction and i was only willing to admit that i was sad & anxious. probably. surely not anything that would warrant treatment.

and now this thing i've filed away under 'miscellaneous shit that was not ideal probably, but surely it wasn't' That Bad, other people have it Worse':

yesterday i checked out this vr interview stream dealing with abuse right before i had to go sleep (the best idea ever. clearly) and at the point i started watching the discussion made basically no sense so i figure i go to the start and watch from there. and the interviewee describes the abuse, and i'm fine until a particular detail comes up and then it kinda unraveled from there. i had to pause just to get a breather. i watched maybe a few minutes more idk.

i've looked into child psychology and sexual development before bc ever since i bumped into the term child-on-child sa i've been stuck with the whole 'but does it count if x y z' (mostly: can someone so young even be an abuser, bc obviously if he didnt' intentionally & maliciously do it, i am not allowed to feel upset), even earlier that same damn day! but nothing unequivocally said yes or no. so of course i'm going with the safe answer of no, i'm not allowed to call it abuse.

but after that Moment i looked at some more stuff and found a couple of videos, one from a therapist knowledgeable on the topic, and one first-hand account, read some comments to boot, and then i'm having the sort of crying episode that leaves me feeling physically sick for a full day at least

at work today I was distracted the second i was not properly busy, then i managed to keep it together for a bit when i got home and now here we are. fuck i'm glad i'll have multiple days off now. on the long run this is good to process. but def not feeling it right now lol. at least i'm not stuck in a corner of fandom where loaded buzzwords get thrown around like they mean nothing, i knew that fucked with my head even back during the vl/d heyday and i was just getting around to the 'ok that Happened and maybe it was messed up, but Not abuse' stage of denial

good news i might be done crying rn so i guess that helped

i guess this was gonna be happening sooner or later bc i've been somewhat actively thinking about all that for months but rip it came out of nowhere

(and gonna throw it in here just in case; i'd rather not have 'i'm sorry' messages or similar, 9 times out of 10 i just feel awkward as shit. more neutral (not sure what's the best word?) is fine)

[haretakouri-blog]

some rambling/hcs about yuuri and his mental illness and how strong he is!

the thing about yuuri and his season where he got last in the GPF is that he wasnt just at the lowest of his career, he was probably in his worst mental state like, ever. and thats honestly one of the worst feelings, knowing youre miserable but youre just so lost you dont know what to do, and you know its your mental illness but it doesnt help to know that.

he probably had a time that before this GPF he saw as his ‘absolute worst’ mental health wise and whenever he was feeling bad, at least it wasnt as bad as that. but then he ended up being worse than that because of everything that happened. he was skating in front of thousands of people (which is already anxiety inducing), he had super low self confidence and pretty much assumed failure was the only option, and had the general stress of college on top of professional skating, social life, and everything else you need to do as an adult. 

and then his dog, who was probably his rock for many years in his life and would help him through his depression and anxiety and general feelings like he wasn’t worth anything, died without much warning, and he hadnt seen him for 5 years already. his anxiety and depression probably got horrible after that, and then he had to skate one of the most important events of his life. tbh, he probably had an anxiety attack while skating and barely stopped himself from breaking down! he had so much stress and anxiety built up, theres no way he wasnt super overwhelmed by it all

and, as i said before, its probably the worst hes ever been in his life. hes overwhelmed, theres so much to do and he doesnt know how he can do it all and do it well. and he knows he needs to do something about his mental health, but that just adds on even more and hes just so, so lost and he doesnt even know where to start on anything. he doesnt know how hes supposed to keep on living at this point, he doesnt even know if he’ll be able to convince himself to get out of bed. and when you get that overwhelmed and lost and confused, you just sob uncontrollably. you dont know what to do and youre in so much pain that you just cry for what seems like forever, and it just makes you feel more lost. you sit there crying so hard you can barely breathe and the only thing youre thinking is ‘i dont know what to do. i cant do this. i dont know what to do’ over and over

and the only thing he can even think to do is to quit skating, because he cant do it anymore. not if it means feeling like that. he knows there were a lot of other factors, but the thought skating in competition and possibly ending up like that again gave him anxiety attacks. he couldnt do it then, so he went home.

viktor shows up, and having the best skater alive see so much potential in you that he drops everything to help you become even better and coach you helps with self esteem. but it also makes him feel guilty about ‘stealing viktor’, and it doesnt magically cure his fears of competing again. he barely manages to do hasetsu on ice without having a panic attack (right before he goes on we’re seeing through yuuris eyes; it goes blurry-ish and starts swirling, because hes about to cry). viktor manages to distract him enough that yuuri gets through the first competition fine, and having an experience where yuuri doesnt fail miserably or have a panic attack helps, but hes still afraid before competitions. 

hes slowly getting better and more confident; less afraid of having panic attacks, more towards where he was before. but then he cries before his SP in china and hes terrified hes going back to that mental state where he was helpless. viktor again helps him through it by believing in him and yuuri calms down enough to skate really well. this boosts his confidence even more-- he could break down right before skating, but he was strong enough now that he could skate an amazing performance after, without having a panic attack

there arent any big anxiety-inducing moments after makkachin and viktor leaving him for his FS, and his mental state continues to improve slowly. but, the guilt of taking viktor grows and results in the end of ep 11, where he tells viktor he wants to stop skating. this time its not a decision made from panic and helplessness, but out of guilt and sadness. he’s not necessarily upset; more melancholy. sure, he was a little sad to end his career, but he felt happy with what he achieved and he was happy to let viktor skate again. he never thought viktor wouldve reacted the way he did, that viktor wanted him to keep skating to badly. sure, he knew viktor loved him and his skating (i mean, they got engaged!) but he didnt understand how much it meant to viktor (and to him; he didnt really realize how upset he was, too focused on his guilt)

he doesnt skate his SP in the GPF like he imagined, and he feels like he disappointed everyone. especially viktor; especially himself. his anxiety threatens to ruin his FS, but hes grown so much now and hes able to acknowledge his mistakes (though he doesnt realize that he was actually quite amazing; it wasnt exactly as he imagined, but it was good) without ruining his next performance. he breaks viktors record, something he hadnt spent a second even dreaming about, because it had seemed pointless. something impossible, an unattainable dream, so why bother even dreaming. he beat the living skating legend who he’s also marrying at ithe GPF. and he realizes that he doesnt want to stop. he wants to let viktor skate, because he loves him and loves his skating, but he was so close to winning. hes confident now, confident that given just one more year he could get gold, and confident enough to ask viktor for more of his time

this was long and ramble-y but... this is how i view yuuris mental health throughout the series. and theres definitely a lot of projection happening, but i dont think any of it is that far off from what happened in canon. i am so immensely proud and amazed at how strong yuuri is. coming back from such a low point where he felt helpless and miserable, to becoming as confident as he is at the end of the series. its honestly one of the hardest things to do in life. if you have anxiety and/or depression and youve had a low, low time like that, you know. its absolute hell to get anywhere when you feel like that. and yuuri went so, so far. he inspires me honestly, to keep on going in life, even though hes fictional. ive connected to him so much, and thats why i love to see him happy, because he reminds me that i can be like him. itll suck, but ill make it there. and ill forever be grateful to yuri on ice for giving me this character

that got really deep and personal um... i didnt mean for this. i was supposed to be playing overwatch.... side note: this is obviously very personal so please dont reblog ;;

[songofsaraneth]

Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however. 

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me: 

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just  suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all. 

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend: 

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs. 

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

[leo-culture-technology]

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

[rgrettes]

heyy, I hope I'm not bothering but I've seen that you used to post about faberry and faberry fics like Shafd, and since I'm trying to find some faberry fanfics to read, could you please recommend me some of your favorites? Thank you :)

OKAY so this took me a whole lot longer than anticipated because I didn’t want to make it be like 500 fics long! But here, in no particular order, are my top 10 faberry fanfics! [excluding SHAfD of course bc whomever asked this definitely knows SHAfD!]I will be including trigger warnings/content warnings! Please be sure that you can handle the subjects before reading the content! Be safe and put your mental and physical wellbeing before a work of fiction!

10. Dirty Little Secret by patchesofink

Chapters: 77/77 [208k]

This fic would actually happen to be the first faberry fic that I ever read. I felt my little 15 year old self cry several times throughout this fic. It’s what first got me into writing fanfic, because I wanted to write as well as this author! There is a content warning so please be careful reading it if you are sensitive to topics mentioned!

Rachel has a secret and Quinn has figured it out - but will Quinn use this knowledge to exact revenge on Rachel for telling Finn that Puck was really the father or will she use her own experiences to help. WARNING - language and sexual content, r*pe.

9. I’ll Be by stix04

Chapters: 20/20 [330k]

God I was such a sucker for fake dating au’s as a young teenager and I’m most definitely a sucker for them now. This one I didn’t read right when it came out, I didn’t actually find it until it had finished but it still makes my top 20 because it’s just too good not to talk about!

Can Quinn pretend to be in love with Rachel just to get out of Lima? Can Rachel pretend to love Quinn so she's not so lonely in New York? And what happens when both girls realize they're no longer pretending?

8. Long Way to Happy by patchesofink 

Chapters: 42/42 [104k]

This is the sequel to Dirty Little Secret and makes the list for being just as good as the original. This author is so talented and the story just resonates in my soul! 

warnings for sexual content, language, violence and potential ptsd triggers!

Sequel to Dirty Little Secret. Rachel still has some healing to do as well with dealing with becoming a mom. Quinn has her own issues to deal with. Can their fledgling relationship deal with the ups and downs of life and cope with senior year? Quinn learns to open up and Rachel deals with motherhood and not letting her past define her. It's a Long Way to Happy.

7. Leather Jackets and Bad Coffee by antonius

Chapters: 11/?? [75k] [has not updated since 2018 :(]

Bikers, 50′s style diners, and good girl/bad girl pairing. Literally who could ask for anything more? I’m super sad this one hasn’t updated in a long time but it’s still such a fun read!!

warning for violence!

Ninety miles and nearly two hours from the heart of New York City, just off of PA-33 North, is the little town of Belfast, Pennsylvania: population 1,257. Right outside the city limits sits Moe's, a small 24-hour diner whose newest waitress, Rachel Berry, has taken her best friend Kurt's advice and started a calm summer temp job away from the hustle-and-bustle of busy city life in order to rest up before her final year at NYADA.During her very first midnight shift, she encounters a group of rowdy regulars led by a pink-haired woman with piercing hazel eyes. Quinn Fabray is the leader of the Skanks, a small but well-known local biker gang that doesn't take shit from anyone.So began the strangest summer of Rachel Berry's life.

6. Talk by saintdyke

Chapters: 17/? [43k] [last updated may 2019]

This is another one I’m sad hasn’t updated in a while! This honestly stole my heart to a point that in the time I found it in mid April 2019 and June of 2019 I have re-visited the fic 105 times, rereading it at least half as many as that. I’m really hoping the author comes back to the fic, because it was keeping me on the edge of my seat.

warning for violence, abuse mentions and depictions, homophobia and ptsd triggers!

(Previously titled Grease Stains, Starry Skies) Famous actress Rachel Berry’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. A pretty blonde with a blue truck rescues her from the side of the road, and just so happens to own an Auto Repair shop in town. Quinn is frustrating and mysterious, and Rachel is just as stubborn. Together, they start a revolution.

5. Just off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 30/30 [129k]

This one is another absolute classic in the Faberry fandom, and is another fic that has stuck with me throughout the years! It has a fantastic softer take on Quinn that I truly appreciated because everyone back in the early years of the fandom would make her so angry and bitter and she’s just so soft in some interpretations

Rachel Berry is a successful Broadway star with a new roommate, the very odd, naive Quinn Fabray. It starts with a note on the fridge and a childishly scrawled doodle of an elephant. Everybody has a little crazy in them.

4. Still off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 37/37 [185k]

The sequel to Just off the Key of Reason! Still as soft and as crazy! I can’t mention one without having the other in the list as well! I can’t explain how it feels to look at the ff.net pages after so long, my heart is transported back to 2011 and I’m sitting on my bed after I’m supposed to be in bed. I miss the days where I could just spend time reading these fics and not having adult responsibilities.

Quinn is thundering her way through vet school. Rachel is enlightening the west coast with her talent. The story continues with a wedding, dogs in tuxedos, and Pooh Bear vows. Crazy never fades.

3. A Million Miles of Fun by Jade8Devlin

Chapters: 12/12 [103k]

This one is a little different from the last ones! It isn’t my favorite because of its literary genius, but because of how fun and out there it is! It’s concept is fresh and dark and something I honestly didn’t expect to see but it quickly grew to be a favorite for me!

warning for violence, abuse, mentions of murder! the whole story revolves around The Unholy Trinity + Rachel murdering Quinn’s family so please take that into consideration!

And in Lima, Ohio, a man and woman were killed earlier today during what is believed to be a home invasion. Russell Fabray was last seen leaving Gas'N'Go at two o'clock; his wife, Judith, from a grocery story an hour earlier. Police are linking the double homicide to the area's recent surge in breaking and entering – though these appear to be the first fatalities. The victims are survived by their daughters; Quinn and Stacey."Jessalyn Briggs shuffles the papers on her desk, clearing her throat. The somber expression on her face seems to float off her as she turns towards camera 3."Otis-the-Otter finishes today's news headlines as the little critter that could. Abandoned by his mother and found foraging for scraps in the Nelson family's garbage cans, Otis has proven; if you can't teach an old dog new tricks, teach them to an otter! Otis placed second at this year's Ohio Dog Show after last year's well-documented struggle by the Nelson family to allow Otis to be included. Well done Otis, we here at Channel 43 salute you.

2. The Silence of Silence by your.kat

Chapters: 31/31 [135k]

This one... I can’t describe why I liked it, I just liked it.

warning for mental health, and trauma [possible others, please read with caution]

Quinn and Rachel meet at Haverbrook under unusual circumstances. Why is Rachel silent? And why does Quinn care? "You can hear," Quinn said simply, "but can you speak?"; "Yes," Rachel signed. "I can speak. But silence is a friend who will never betray."

1. Kissing Quinn Fabray by vondrunkaton

Chapters: 6/6 [45k]

This one just makes me super warm and fuzzy inside. I don’t think I can say it’s entirely changed my life but it’s just so soft and i love it

Quinn comforts Rachel after Finn says something oafish. Rachel is surprised by how sweet Quinn is. There's also some making out in delicious detail. Fluffy getting together fic.

I am super open to talking about more fics I love/like and other pairings! This was a ton of fun to talk about and sent me down memory lane! I went searching for two hours on a vague memory of a fic that I think has been deleted by now. But if anyone wants to help me track it down! Hit me up and I’ll give you the details!

[solarisensun]

Rules/FAQ

*i recommend to read before requesting*

General notices

This is a 18+ dark blog with sensitive topics (minors DNI)!!

read my other works before requesting so you don’t ask for a similar work 

fandoms i write for : BNHA, HQ, Demon Slayer, JJK, Genshin

most NSFW and SFW ( angst, heavy injuries/ blood/ torture, dub/non con, incest, bondage etc) are ✅

If I don’t respond to your reply/message most likely it’s lost in my inbox OR I just don’t vibe with it sorry

What i WON’T write 

minors interaction = anyone below 18 ( large age diff between NON MINOR characters is acceptable )

I don’t write for characters who are not canonically of age (all my hq characters are based on the manga’s post time skip or 3rd years)

more specifically : pregnancy related etc (breeding is fine),  water sports, cannibalism, vomit, scat, excessive blood play, (knife play with cuts etc is okay), physical disorders are a BIG NO, necrophilia, infantalization

HARDCORE yandere stuff (I DO write yandere but just not that extreme u know what i mean)

If any of the asks contain content from the above or if I feel uncomfortable you will be deleted or blocked

I don’t entertain asks relating to discourse or hate

thats all :) I hope everyone has a fun time on this blog so feel free to drop a message if you have any ideas or complaints! i try to cater to everyone’s needs here <3

FAQ

1) “Do you have a regular posting schedule?”

No, I am wayyyy too busy with my work and study life. I write whenever I’m free or hit with inspiration

2) “How long does it take you to write fics?”

Full-length fics can take 1wk-1month while drabbles take up a few mins

3) “Will there be a pt 2 to XYZ?”

Similar to many other fic writers, no. While I don’t mind you asking about it, the answer will still remain the same. Unless it’s explicitly stated that I’m going to do a continuation, it’s going to be a 99% no

4) “Can I send in an ask about a certain fic?”

Of course! I really don’t mind answering/elaborating on your asks bc it makes my fic more interesting and engaging. However, please don’t send it an ask stating “XYZ should have ended like this….” Its just disrespectful and rude

5) “Why do you post so rarely?”

Once again, busy life. But I really appreciate everyone for being so patient with me💗

6) “Do you have a tag list?”

Unfortunately, no. It’s quite time consuming to individually tag users under my post and sometimes I’m not sure if the user wants to be tagged in certain posts or not

Masterlist

[gg-astrology]

hiii!! i'm that hannah montana but seokjin agenda anon, tell hi to your friend!! the lvl of my satisfaction is impossible to describe, thank you for your service. and yes, you've fulfilled my request!! i really appreciate your efforts, it was on point!! can i request more bangtan things?? only if it's alright with you :| can you do the same ranking for them from ' i'm rich 3$, wine and dine me' to 'i have a rolled blanket as my pillow' *cough* jk *cough*. from that to a simpler lifestyle? thk!

Hey there!! 💕❤️💕 Welcome back!!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕 slkskjnsdkjns she saw this and im really glad u like it!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕 

U can! 💕❤️💕Me and my friend really like your questions because it’s very thoughtful and fun!! 💕❤️💕 

EDIT: My friend said they interpreted this question differently into ‘how complex vs simple’ their lifestyle is and!!!!!!!!!! maybe we’ll edit and add it in anon if u send in another ask I’ll ask my friend if they want to answer?? I’m sorry!!!!! My 2nd house sun immediately: Wealth  

Please send us more questions, but maybe not this one bc it’s about their personal lifestyle/how they live (+ not their personalities or what they’ve shown us) and it may be treading on 1. making assumptions about their personal life in which we’re in no authoritative position to commentate on  

2. we can obviously talk about how we view them and write commentaries on how we feel/what we think, but there’s also a line where we have to acknowledge people might see us as credible information/authority in our own rights when it’s out in public/shared to an audience 

3. what they’ve shown us clear boundaries between public figures and their audience might be wiser 

4. acknowledging our position of power + influence to the community rather than ignoring the fact that our words have sway will help us in the long-run by making conscious, thoughtful choices on what we could give/bring to the fan/outside community as well. 

I hope this makes sense?? 💕❤️💕 I hope it’s ok if I mulled it over last night and thought I might not – it might not be the best idea to talk about it/put it out there?? 

Please don’t feel bad at all!! 💕❤️💕I really love your questions and I actually wrote as I tried to figure out how to do this (literally just disclaimers before I realized oh maybe there’s no way to do this properly and I shouldn’t??) – I don’t want you to get out of this ask empty-handed, so if it makes it any better – I’ll publish my working through below the read more and you might see what I was working out as I try to answer your question?? 💕❤️💕 

Long commentary on BTS privilege, social inequality + wealth disparities in the real world (disclaimer for this ask?)  +  Working Outs and Why It Didn’t Work ⬇️

Note: From here on below is me writing my thoughts down as I tried to answer the ask, I hope that – even though I couldn’t answer your question – this is a good answer in other regards either way? Hopefully? 

Just a disclaimer note on BTS and this topic as well: In my head I’m immediately going into commentary about social inequality, wealth disparity and how poverty + classism exists in real life. 

Just a quick tangent, but real people suffer from this issue. Our society have consequences when it comes to wealth inequality + the ability to afford basic human amenities (healthcare, living/housing, food, education, transportation, disabilities etc.) 

Even when they’re relatable, BTS are billionaires who knows their position is privileged. Lets - make that clear for a second.  

They still do their best in variety shows where they have to compete/entertain the audience. What I’m trying to say is. I’d rather not ignore/make note that there’s a difference between being privileged, being aware of these issues and still preferring simpler lifestyles for themselves. Than being ignorant and completely insensitive/unaffected from the matter. They’re still privileged, let’s make that clear. And thus, as relatable as they are to the public/audience, they benefit from the social/economical/political power they have given by those around them (their audience, accessibility medias and production).  

In the context that is related (i.e. army joking that BTS fights over ramen) – BTS have never once shown that they’re unaware of their wealth + privilege, even it was a joke – the thing that is missing is the context –  they’re usually seen competing in BTS run/gayo, but it’s produced to let them showcase their dynamic and chemistry  - the prize (commodities/money) was never actually the main focus. 

A highly competitive game with members who know each other well - is actually what these shows are about. 

BTS doesn’t glorify their own wealth, nor have they acted as if they are poor in order to gain relatability or sympathy from the audience/masses (looking at armis 💜 who does this. delete armi 💜) 

It’s a part of why they have fans and why people like them. They’re able to sell products + contribute to relief/charity organizations and advocate campaigns.  Whilst they are in position of privilege compared to others - they’ve never not acknowledged that they could afford to do so for reasonable personal requests (i.e. safety on flights and in airports, security in their home, equipments to perform/produce with, reaching out to audiences that usually never has the opportunity to connect with them despite liking them for a long time, etc.)

I think it’s just important to note - for those who are armys and those who are looking at it from the outside - that this is what we see and why we’re talking about this. 

I just want us to acknowledge that they’re privileged and their lifestyle choices are personal, I think that’s what I’m doing here. 

So, commentary on social inequality of the world we all live in + BTS privilege in all this/disparities. check.

This is going to be disgustingly generalized to an incredible amount because we don’t have houses – to be completely honest, within the context of the question having houses is exactly what we need for these types of answers. 

From a technical stand-point, not having houses when we’re talking about specific contexts within a person’s life (basically why we have so many houses - for different contexts) – will make this reading terribly vague and misleading as well. 

Actually, should we do this at all.. because simply saying oh Taurus/Libra placements would want materialistic things to show x, y, z is incredibly misgiving and is like a blanket statement. Without houses in question, there’s no specification on what it is used for or what kind, or what type of actions/manifestations these signs are going to have in order to express themselves.  

Planets in signs can only do so much to talk about the energy that is being produced – placing them in houses and context, gives them manifestation that doesn’t simply exist in a vacuum by itself.

All placements in a chart make up a cohesive picture of what it is used for, when and where. With only the how/why (placements) — the best I can probably do to answer the question is just explain how it could possibly manifest and why/what reasoning it may have to express itself that way.

While that is something I could? probably talk about. It… just doesn’t answer the question in a way that’s satisfying. This question is really good… and there’s a way to get there and give it the answer it wants. But.. with what we have, it’s a disservice to answer half-right and do a poor job overall, than to actually give the full answer.

Hnnnfghfnhgn there’s also.. some disclaimers on personal life for idols/public figures and how this might.. be almost assuming or intruding on that territory? From a glance it isn’t like it’s not something they’ve not shown us publicly or told us about. But they also didn’t advertise it, and what they do with their personal life/lifestyle– is that something we (as fan) are in anyway, shape or form, capable or have any voice to talk about as if we know what they’re doing? Does that? make sense? 

Like, intruding as in - do we have any authority to tell them to get a pillow or stop drinking wine or something like that. Speculate, on what restaurant they go to/how $$$ it is, or does things that are privileged, things that aren’t going to han river to bike, etc. Can we really pick and choose certain choices they choose to do with their lifestyle, while being completely separated from reality of their other?

Idk.. this is getting complicated.. but maybe sticking to things they are proud of and does talk about openly/happily in their public and professional persona might be better… considering that they should have? a modicum of personal life back to themselves? we could at least do that and choose to respect them right… thats? hm. what’s right.

Fine wine and dine, lavish restaurants and other personal choices on their expenses and love for/lifestyle… maybe.. its for the best if we leave it to their own authority and discretion, over their own private/personal life and what they choose to share with people they know/care for/love. 

I think the end all of it might just be: can I imagine them coming to say to us “army, you know how I am right? I’m like this in my personal lifestyle/choice” – and of what they could say, I don’t think that’s something they may be willing to share without their explicit consent, nor can I imagine it right now if it’s about messy habits or a flaw they may have. So hm. 

The question addresses simpler lifestyle too – we don’t have authority to commentate on JK’s pillow choices, but being exposed like that suddenly might not be something he’s entirely comfortable with or would advertise to others as well? Not to mention, they all seem to not advertise anything that is outrageously privileged that would smack anyone in the face – they’re pretty sensitive to keeping things personal, private, under-wraps. Even when they choose to eat at a well-known restaurant, it’s not in bad-taste or done frivolously. In a way, they all tend to keep a simpler lifestyle about them to not let their wealth + privilege get in the way of their work + connecting to us, focusing solely on what their skills are + performance and music. 

Simply going by that.. is it wise to talk about something we might just choose to show decency/a modicum of respect for the idol’s privacy maybe.. uhhdfjgnn i!!!!!!!!! there’s thoughts and feelings and im just trying to let it out so it makes sense and then i can navigate between it and see what i can do/the right way to talk about it (if it exists)!!

God.. I guess there’s.. no way I can possibly do this?? Considering if I think about it from all sides – I can’t approach it technically, without houses. I literally can’t answer this question, it isn’t about choice because answering this question is directly asking about the houses. So I literally can’t answer correctly. I also can’t – or well, I don’t think the moral issue is ok here when I think further on it. Consequences are inevitable with all posts/production, but optimizing it so that it affects people positively and minimize damage to others is always something to check through. This may not be a good idea, just to do. So maybe not. 

Hhndndhnndf ok,,, gotta,,, write something for the introduction so it makes sense.

Note: I did go through this, edit and write some additional paragraphs to make it make sense. But I hope this? gives you insight or some thoughts to my working process and what I consider/go through when I make these posts as well? Thank u for ur time, I hope it isn’t too disappointing ;;  let me know what u think/how u feel anon I’m sorry I couldn’t do this question but please let me know if you’re ok or not!!!! 💕❤️💕💕❤️💕

[doyoung]

if you’re sensitive to the topic of death please do not read this, i just need a place to vent/confess something i guess... something i don’t actively speak about is that i experience sleep paralysis quite often. just this past week, i’ve had sleep paralysis twice already. if you don’t know what sleep paralysis is- in short, it is a stage in between waking/sleeping when your mind is conscious but your body isn’t yet conscious. often times it is accompanied by ‘hallucinations’ (i put it in quotes bc i feel like that’s a bit too strong of a word?) and these ‘hallucinations’ can be very scary, when you cannot move your body. i’ve been experiencing this for a good few years (maybe 4?) and i can’t exactly find out what triggers it? i have a tendency to force myself to stay awake until i literally cannot anymore and basically pass out (at night) from exhaustion and at first, this is what i believe to trigger my sleep paralysis but it wasn’t consistent. eventually, i started noticing that whenever i awoke from it, the time would be within the first 10 minutes of 3AM. then, i believed that heat would trigger it as it would very often happen whenever i took a nap during the day, which is when my room would be extremely hot bc ... i live in the caribbean lol but now it just happens random.  the first time it happened, was extremely creepy because it was just complete darkness and i hallucinated whispers that got louder and louder as i fell deeper into sleep. but the times after that, it was alright. i mean, i still got creeped out by the things i saw/heard but it’s like 85% of times, i was not scared no matter how disturbing the things i saw were.  personally for me, when i’m falling into sleep paralysis i can recognize it almost right away. it feels like, i’m... mentally???? falling into something. i would like to say that something is sleep but it’s really much deeper than that. it just feels like im slipping into something and it’s a very distinct feeling. a good few months ago, i had sleep paralysis almost every single day for a week straight. however, this the ‘hallucinations’ were very different. instead of seeing a dark shadow, instead of looking down at myself asleep from the corner of my room, instead of seeing disfigured figures surrounding my bed chanting unintelligible things in a very distorted voice that became louder and louder over time, i hallucinated dying? matter of fact, i would hallucinate that someone broke into our house and murdered me. as i said before, i can tell when im going into sleep paralysis but that week every thing felt ..... so real.... and it was so scary. i said that for me sleep paralysis feels like im falling into a very deep something, and that’s so scary to feel when your subconscious just tricked you into thinking you’re dead. and because of this, after that week, i think i have developed a phobia of dying in my sleep.... it feels really dumb for me to admit lol i dont know why.... if you can recall, i mentioned that i have a habit of forcing myself to stay awake until my eyes no longer stay open. i have no definite answer as to why i do this but after thinking for some days i believe it’s some sort of coping mechanism i developed due to some very unfortunate childhood trauma. i have a hard time going to sleep, and staying asleep and i’m not very fond of the night, and i believe this is a direct relation to things that happened during my early childhood and teenage years.  for a very long time, i just thought that was how i was. i just couldn’t fall asleep and i just woke up 6 times a night because of who i am. but now.... i guess this is why it feels weird for me to basically admit i have a fear of dying in my sleep? just typing that makes my eyes tear up lol i think i’ve subconsciously brush off my irregular sleeping pattern without attempting to find the reason why it was like that, and then finally finding that there’s actual .... psychological (idk a better word to use so please excuse me) trauma that causes sleeping habits made me realize things that i didn’t really know i was hiding??? idk if im making sense lol but yeah, now not only do i fight my self to stay awake until i physically cannot no more, i sometimes get super paranoid about falling asleep and sometimes i even end up crying wewedwew sleep is quickly becoming a very hard struggle for me and im only just realizing it....

i completely forgot to mention it lol but the reason i am so paranoid of dying in my sleep is because... the way i hallucinated it, death was just... scary? after i ‘died’ i just simply exists... i couldn’t open my eyes to see, but i could hear everything that happened around me. i heard my murdered walking away from me, i heard the hours that passed until my mother returned home, and i heard the screams she let out upon finding me. and thats really terrifying... i was never scared of death before because i always thought that when you die, that would be all to it. but now .... im scared that if i die, i simply continue to exist without being able to exist. i would stay in life of not being able to move, not being able to speak, not being able to do anything for the rest of my life side from hear what’s happening around me... its scary to think that after i die, i would be buried 6 ft under completely aware of everything but not being able to express a single thing, not being able to see anything, to just exist on my own... and during one of these nights, i hallucinated, for a moment, hell. it was the same, i existed but without actually existing, but everything was getting hotter and hotter. i saw nothing but i felt the heat of hell and it scared me to think that... that could be the rest of my ‘life’ after i die??? its just so scared and im scared of dying.... especially in my sleep...

[juliivn-blog]

[ bill skarsgård, cismale, he/him, 29 ] BRAIN STEW by GREEN DAY? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JULIAN NILSSON. maybe because they’re SELF-RELIANT but also CAVALIER. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since SEPTEMBER of 2018 in APARTMENT 203 and have 1 ROOMMATE. [ lainie, she/her, 21+, cst ]

hello bitches it me ( lainie ) back at it again !! this time bringing u the anti adrian and pls be wary bc there are a lot of sensitive topics down below ( tws for major drug use, drug addiction, death, grief, shitty parenting, neglect, abandonment?? kind of idk better safe than sorry ) also u can find a tl;dr at the bottom since it’s literally SO LONG

BACKGROUND

so bear with me bc his background info is kind of Long!! his mom and dad are from just outside of st louis, missouri. his mom came from a pretty wealthy family and she was just like tryna be ~rebellious in her young adult years by dating julian’s dad (who came from a super trashy family and had a Bad Boy Rep). when she was 19 and he was 22 she got pregnant ( with julian ) and her fam was like get rid of that baby or ur gone !! but they were “““madly in love””” and she was on her rebellious shit so they literally eloped to the city ( st louis ) and got an apartment together and had julian but never actually got married bc they were too cool ( read: irresponsible ) for that. ofc this ended up being rly miserable bc she was used to living the rich life and now her family had disowned her, and suddenly she was starting to realize this dude she had a kid with was kind of a deadbeat party boy with no interest in having a family, not to mention she started realizing like?? i don’t actually want a kid this is a lot of work?? so like julian’s childhood years were a lot of him having to learn to take care of himself and not having anyone to depend on most of the time. and that’s not to say they didn’t both care abt him on some level bc there were definitely times they paid attention to him and gave him a birthday party or two but for the most part he was on his own

his secret favorite memory is flying a kite with his dad when he was 4 but u would be more likely to win the lottery than get him talking abt that

fast forward 5 years and finally julian’s dad, now in his late 20s and getting antsy, peaces the fuck out to los angeles to live his best party boy life. baby julian is very upset bc even tho his dad doesnt pay a lot of attention to him he like idolizes him. julian’s mom is saltier than EVER about having to take care of a kid but she doesn’t wanna go to LA ( especially for this asshole she doesn’t even like anymore ) and her parents won’t have anything to do with her or her illegitimate child so the NEXT 5 years are a lot of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment and job to job by themselves. his dad would now and then send weird postcards and letters and pictures and stuff from cali so he had like a vague idea of the fact that his dad was living his own life somewhere that looked super wild, and when he was 11 years old he sent a letter back asking if he could come live with him. his dad contacts his mom, there’s a bunch of fighting, but in the end julian did indeed get to go live with his dad in los angeles, mostly bc his mom just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was lowkey like…u know what fine take him i can have my life back

obviously his dad does not know how to be a dad !!! he kind of thought of julian as his little like…..sidekick like he just thought having this 11 year old kid around was hilarious. so julian went to LA and was living with his dad and his dad’s friends in a relatively nice apartment but like it’s always filled with people doing drugs and having sex and it’s just. not child friendly at all. so that’s how julian was introduced to weed at the ripe young age of 11!!! from there on out he was like a big time weed and cigarette smoker, was very early having sex and trying other drugs, and by the time he graduated high school he was already hardcore doing coke

so julian like kind of wanted to go to college bc some part of him did crave normalcy, but he was way too far up his own ass to get his shit together for that !! plus like….he didn’t rly have good role models. so his first year after high school instead of getting on a good path for his future he decided living his best life would include moving into an apartment with his cokehead best friend. it was around that time that julian met his first boyfriend. he was already totally aware he was bi, had slept with boys in high school, but this was the first time he rly fell in love with a guy. he was like……….head! over! heels! for this boy. julian met him at a club and he was like sort of soft and relatively innocent until they started dating and julian got him smoking weed and then snorting coke

this next part is very triggering so please read with caution !! when he was 23, julian tried heroin for the first time. for about 6 months it gradually got really bad, his life started spiraling, and his bf was like….becoming unable to deal with it, especially bc while julian was getting worse his bf was kind of trying to move in the opposite direction and get off the coke and get his life back together. there was a lot of fighting, but his bf kept not actually making the move to end things bc he loved julian and was just like hoping something would turn around. one night, however, in a moment of weakness, he let julian talk him into trying heroin with him. it was kind of an “i promise i’ll get clean if u try it with me this one time” thing. being in and out of consciousness and not really aware of what was going on, he didn’t notice that his bf was overdosing and he ended up dying simply bc the heroin was too much for his body and he stopped breathing. julian didn’t notice until the morning when he woke up, and obviously that was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to him and left some deep ass emotional scars

so following this, he actually did check himself into rehab. he was there for 3 months, got completely clean, but he only managed to stay that way for two weeks before he was first snorting heroin again and then back to shooting up and selling drugs

it was about 2 yrs later when he was 26 that he met his next bf while he was doing a deal at some seedy bar outside of town. they quickly fell into a completely unanticipated relationship–notably, julian’s first since his boyfriend’s death. in spite of that trauma and feeling guilty even as he did it, he started introducing this boyfriend to drugs. in his mind, it was kind of a thing where he fell in love really fast and really hard out of nowhere and he saw this sad little thing with no place to go and drugs are the only thing he’s ever known himself, so it was very natural to be like “here try this it helps” and also naively convincing himself he’d never let what happened before happen again

so 3 years later they’re living together and completely broke, living mostly off the money julian makes selling drugs and whatever else they can scrape up, when his bf decides he wants to do a road trip across the country. julian’s very impulsive, doesn’t really give a shit about anything in LA anyway, and to top it off has a hard time saying no to him. SO a road trip it is !! they make it all the way across the country before finally using up the last of their money and realizing they don’t have enough to get back

they stopped in north carolina for a while while julian saved up enough cash for them to at least get somewhere they liked better, which is how they wound up in baltimore !!

here their jeep completely broke down and julian sold it so that the money from that plus the money he made selling drugs they could put toward a deposit on an apartment

it’s in their heads to get back to la eventually, but baltimore is kind of their ~scene so julian’s in no hurry. he’s selling drugs again but they use a lot of what he’s supposed to sell so......they’re not going anywhere any time soon anyway ytseugukhej

PERSONALITY

so now that his lengthy as fuck background is over with………julian is an extremely EXTREMELY dry sarcastic person. the guilt over his bf has made him a hell of a lot worse, like his sense of humor is so so much darker than it was before that happened, but he’s honestly just a rly sarcastic person to begin with. he has some softness inside especially for people he rly cares abt, but you will not catch julian being sentimental or taking literally anything seriously unless you’ve managed to seriously worm your way into his heart

he’s not like a GRUMP tho at all he just….doesn’t take things seriously. he’s literally the embodiment of every bart simpson meme

“whatever my dude” is his aesthetic

he’s very careful about his drug dealing, he won’t go around talking about it or anything, he does it all under the radar as much as he can and especially having done it for so long now and having experienced a lot of traumatic crap, he’s pretty good at what he does and he won’t fuck with people he doesn’t trust

even when it’s warm it’s not totally unlikely to see him in long sleeves bc he has really bad track marks all over his arms from shooting up so much, especially in the early days when he was really bad at it

he absolutely will not talk about his past and if anything even close to it comes up in conversation he will skate right over that so qUICK ur head will spin

i think that’s IT FOR NOW if u made it this far i commend ur effort and attention span. im gna list some plots n stuff below ( beyond the song connections ) and hit me uP for some angst bc ya girl is here for the drama as usual

CONNECTION IDEAS

u can find song connections HERE

any and all drug related things !! people who buy from him ( especially weed, he’s a lot more lenient about to whom he sells weed as opposed to other stuff ), people he introduces to drugs, friends he actually does drugs with

he’s very dry and enigmatic but he’s also quite social so seriously give me friends for him. he’s high a LOT but not always and he likes being out doing stuff

definitely somebody or somebodies who don’t trust him and his drug addict bart simpson vibe please please give me people who don’t like him

along that same vein it takes a lot to get julian worked up and in fight mode bc he prefers to just let things roll off his shoulders but it would def be fun to have someone who gets him to that point

also somebody who?? maybe thinks they can “fix” him and genuinely does their best to try and persuade him to change his life and that it’s not too late to turn everything around ( this is basically the song connection medicine by daughter )

if ur muse is randomly from st louis missouri????? hit me up with a past connection from way back in julian’s childhood

also someone he went to high school with in LA if they’re from LA. this person would probably not be surprised at the way julian turned out ystefygdjhs

AND TL;DR BECAUSE THIS IS SO LONG

a drug addict and dealer who learned to take care of himself from an early age because of neglectful parents. got a boyfriend addicted to drugs and lost him to an overdose when he was in his early twenties, went to rehab, relapsed, met another bf years later with whom he decided to road trip across the country and got stuck in baltimore. dry, sarcastic, kind of a douche, epitome of every bart simpson meme, walking tragedy. 

[witchyinthekitchen]

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process. 

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

[aplpaca]

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough

[kalosstarters]

Hmmm. EdWin, Pearlshipping? :D

OK my answers became so long that I’m gonna save people’s eyes and post pearlshipping separately. EdWin here! (I think you can see from my answers that I was a tiny bit excited to answer this)

This post is 1800+ words long so do whatever you want with that knowledge (I put a lot of thought into my answers and spend like 3-4 hours on this so I’d be happy to know that someone read it)

Who gets excited about Halloween in July:

(We know Ed and Winry do not live in a world with such holidays butlet’s pretend they do in these answers!) Hmm. I drew a conclusion that Ed isprobably someone who doesn’t really appreciate the holidays, no matter what theyare (particularly Christmas and Valentine’s day are totally overhyped in hisopinion) so he would /not/ jump of joy from the thought that they would becelebrating Halloween several months early. Also, having to see all thosepeople he dislikes secretly likes even more? No thanks. But since he can’t getout of that situation, he will try to make the best of it and dress up as Royto annoy him. Winry is a bit more excited, but since she’s a practical person, she’d worry about baking all the goodies and finding an amazing costume etc. so shemight find it a bit stressful. (@fairy-amy said she thinks Ed might enjoy the holidaysonce he has kids and I have to agree with that, he’s happy when his family ishappy :’) So he’d certainly be ready to organize Halloween in July if his kidsso insisted. The poor boy didn’t get to experience these holidays as a kid, his children have to have it better.)

Who starts wearing sweaters and scarves on the first day of September and completely overheats:

Ed is already wearing a /leather jacket/ and a warm looking coat on it soI hope for his sake he won’t wear any more clothes than that, Amestris doesn’tseem like a particularly cold place (minus Briggs perhaps). As for my answer,Ed might honestly be the one who’d go over the top with the clothes.

Who thrives in Fall/Who prefers Summer and warm weather:

OK this is hard. I haven’t really “locked” my headcanons about this topicbut I do think Ed would hate the hottest summer or the coldest winter (becauseof his automail), which would leave spring and fall for him. Thinking about hisdesign and his personality would make me lean more towards the fall, but it’salso a fact that it often rains a lot during falls (which is not enjoyable inhis situation) and he did canonically burn his house in October, so. Maybe hisfavorite time of the year would be the late spring when it’s not too hot yetetc. (He would be relieved when the summer changes to fall though so in thatsense he’s more of a fall person). As for Winry, it’s harder to say but I’mgonna lean towards summer.

Who thinks the other looks so cute when they’re cold and trying to fight it with 50 sweaters:

Winrythinks Ed is cute when he’s trying to fight the coldness with 50 sweaters (orleather jackets). He’s so extra, I swear.

Who offers the other their jacket:

Ed would (after saying something snarky to make sure that he doesn’t comeoff as /too/ sweet. It would be more natural for him after he finally acceptshis feelings) :’)

Who doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning because it’s too cold and has to run from the warm covers to the shower:

Honestly iirc wehave no canon proof of either of them being particularly sensitive to thecoldness (if you don’t count Ed’s automail) but I feel my answers so far have made itsound like Ed is the more sensitive one so let me answer him.

Who touches the other with their freezing cold feet at night:

Now /this/was the question I was looking forward to answering and there’s 0 doubt aboutthis in my mind: Ed. The dude has a steel leg, which must be cold. as. f.Although, it might happen just once: Ed, that loser, thinks it’s a good idea to tease Winrya little bit (bc come on getting into each other’s nerves is their fave pasttime) but when she feels the cold leg/foot touching her skin, she is very fastto find the closest wrench and you betcha after that Ed doesn’t want to do itagain.

Who makes the hot cider to snuggle under a blanket and drink:

I mean,while Ed (secretly or not so secretly) /enjoys/ snuggling under a blanket withWinry, he would not be the one to suggest such a thing (“too mushy,” he says) soWinry would be the one to make the first move. Her granny has made some niceapple cider that reminds Ed of Winry’s apple pie and he quite enjoys it aswell.

Who loves carving pumpkins and buys about 300:

(also look at the answer below) Ed is so extra that when Winry says she’dlike some pumpkins for Halloween, he’d get /a lot/ of them. However, carvingthem is a very different story. If he had his alchemy, he would just transmutethem to look as edgy as possible, but because he doesn’t have it anymore, hemanages to carve a couple of pumpkins (just eyes and mouth, not well shaped atall) and loses his patience. Winry asks: “why did you get so many then? I’dhave been fine with just a few” and Ed mumbles something incoherent in response(Winry figures out it’s something like “Well… I just wanted to make you happy”)

Who is terrible at carving pumpkins:  

Circles are the only things Ed is good at drawing, and carving requires abit of artistic eye/hands as well so it’s safe to say that after he loses hisalchemy, no one could figure out what he’s trying to do with his pumpkins. Whenhe /can/ still use alchemy, they would naturally be the edgiest pumpkins you’veever seen. (Winry is actually pretty good at the carving, in her work shenaturally has to do a precise job with her hands and she also has to drawthe automail blueprints all the time so she’d be at home with the pumpkins)

Who thinks pulling the pumpkin guts out with their hands is icky:

Probably neither because these guys are in contact with blood and othereven ickier stuff on regular basis. (Ed literally boiled his bloody, dirty shoe and made it edible)

What is their favourite Fall activity:

After Al hasgotten his body back, they all like to rake the leaves in one big pile and thenwatch as Al (who just really loves to feel and see and smell everything in thefall) plays in that pile with Den and throws the colorful leaves all around.His happiness is what makes them so happy. Later on, they love to watch their own kidsdo that same thing :*) (Also, that drinking a hot drink under a blanket soundslike something they love to do, but again, it might be hard to make Ed admitthat)

Who gets scared when they watch Horror movies:

Neither, their lives have been almost like horror movies so fictional horrordoesn’t feel anywhere. However, the fact that their lives had been like that might also affect them in the way that they prefer watching other genres (evenEd).

Who hands out candy to trick-or-treaters:

Winry, gotta make sure that Ed doesn’t scare the kids with his costumes(when Ed does something, he does it 150%. Even when it comes to Halloweencostumes). Though, Ed might make a plan so /he/ can hand out that candy, forexample claim that his automail needs instant fixing and detach it so Winry cango to her workshop to take a closer look… Only to notice that the leg issurprisingly fine. Meanwhile, there are a couple of very scared little girls bytheir door, looking at the one legged… Jigglypuff (THIS WAS AMY’S IDEA BLAMEHER) who is trying to give them their sweets and secretly laughing a bit in his costume.

Who accidentally scares the kids:

^Ed. I probably don’t have to add much here after my previous answer. Edgoes full on with his costumes.

Who suggested the couples costume:

When they go out together on Halloween for the first time, it is Winry(because Ed is a bit slow at warming up to this kind of things) BUT soon Ednotices that he (secretly?) enjoys matching with Winry, and their outfits also stoppeople from hitting on her because she so clearly came with Ed, and that’s mostcertainly a plus in Ed’s eyes :’)

What is their couples costume:

OK I just can’t get over It’s Not a Big Deal (i.e. the best fanfic ever) and Ed and Winry’s matchingHan Solo and Princess Leia outfits (even though they weren’t technically eventogether back then iirc. And wahh the snapchat pics in that chapter were socute. As was the “prank” Ed&co planned. OK now I started fangirling over afanfic instead of answering. But seriously. So good) so I want to stick withthat. It’s totally adorable. And I feel Leia and Han Solo’s personalities kindaremind me of Ed and Winry so that’s why it’s great as well.

What is the best Halloween they ever had:

I feel that these two would like it simple (despite Edgoing a bit over the top with the costume and the pumpkins) and they’d be themost content simply hanging out at home with those whom they care about the most(Al, Mei, their kids for example). Seeing the smiles on their kids’ faces is bothEd and Winry’s favorite thing in the world.

(The nextpart is again Amy’s idea, thanks for helping me!) One of those times when theyare spending Halloween just with their family, Al and Mei go out to look at thestars for a bit (Al still likes the stars even after all those years of staringat them at nights) and when they come back, Mei has a ring on her ring fingerand everyone is so happy they are finally getting married. Later that evening,Winry throws up without any clear explanation (she hasn’t drunk or eatenanything suspicious) and she then remembers she hasn’t had her period in a goodwhile.. Winry doesn’t tell about it to Al and Mei (it was their day, afterall), but when she is alone with Ed, she tells him and Ed will always rememberit as his favorite Halloween ever :’)

What is the worst Halloween they ever had:

I couldtake this to a fun road or an angsty road. The fun road is that one time, Winryconvinces Ed to drink milk, claiming that the drink she’s holding is just coloredto look “as scary as possible” (because milk /is/ scary, says Ed) but actuallytastes very good. At first Ed thinks nothing of it, but when he realizes hereally drank milk, he mopes for the rest of the day and that isn’t particularlyfun for any of them (or maybe it is. Who knows. But for Ed it’s the WorstHalloween Ever.)

The angstyroad is that one time a trick-or-treater, a little girl with two braids, isdressed as a dog-like chimera, and that wakes really bad memories in Ed. He hasto withdraw into their bedroom after that and Winry soon follows, soothing Eduntil he finally calms down.

Who eats too much candy and ends up sick the next day:

Ahahah most likely Ed. He likes eating but does. not. know his limits!(He’s also that person who might sneak some goodies from the bag where they arekeeping candies for the trick-and-treaters)

adsfg I love those nerds so much. Thank you Aleira, you know what I like 8)

[empanther]

SHIPPING INFO   //   answer  the  following  for  your  muse(s)  so  people  know  how  shipping  works  on  your blog.  REPOST.  DON’T  reblog.

1.   WHAT’S  YOUR  OTP  FOR  YOUR  MUSE? :

i wouldn’t say i have a definitive OTP for ann? at least not in the sense that i vastly prefer her with one character over others because i honestly believe she has considerable potential with a lot of the persona 5 ( young adult ) cast!

however, i won’t deny that there are some pairings i feel more strongly towards than others and those would be ( in no particular order )! :

   – makoto & ann / ann & haru / makoto & ann & haru : i adore these three ( and the entire female cast of p5 too lbr ), both individually and collectively and not exclusively in a romantic context. these three complement one another as duos and as a cumulative trio and anytime i see any content for them, you can bet i’m smashing that motherhecking like button    – ryuji & ann : that animated cut sequence at the conclusion of the seventh palace. u kno which one i’m talking about. yea. that one. that is all. ( ok but in all seriousness there’s so much subtext hinting at them i love them ) –   akechi & ann : this is probably the one that’d elicit the most hate and out of the interest for my safety i shall refrain from elaborating on the reason for this ship here : ‘ ) – ann & girls : ain’t no way in heck she’s straight ( hint: she’s bi ) – me & @burntofight : ilu

2.   WHAT  ARE  YOU  WILLING  TO  RP  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  SHIPPING? 

this is such a broad question     ummm………….. whatever constitutes the standard ( with the exception of nsfw / heavily grim content ), i suppose? ( i was going to elaborate on what i define as ‘nsfw’ but there’s a question for that later on so i’ll expound there! )

3.   HOW  LARGE  DOES  THE  AGE  GAP  HAVE  TO  BE  TO  MAKE  IT  UNCOMFORTABLE? :

since this is a v sensitive and complicated topic and i have no interest in inciting or participating in discourse, i’ll limit the scope of this question to ann and ann alone.

ann is canonically 16 and ( while emotionally mature for someone her age ) she—as i understand and interpret her—would not, at time the game takes place, date someone older than her by 2 years ( i.e. older than 18 ) or younger than her by 1 year ( i.e. younger than 15 ). given her young age in her canon material, this would invariably change as she grew older, such that by the time she’s in her early 30s she’d be comfortable dating up to 5 years older / 3 years younger. ( please be aware that is based on my understanding of ann and is applicable only in relation to my interpretation of her. ) 

4.   ARE  YOU  SELECTIVE  WHEN  SHIPPING? :

not really! especially when it comes to roleplaying female characters as they so seldom get enough appreciation OOCly that i’m more than amenable to the concept of romantic interest / interaction as compensation for the convention of the fandom’s mistreatment / negligence of them. as long as there’s chemistry between the characters and the muns are in mutual agreement about roleplaying in that context, the idea delights me!

5.   HOW  FAR  DO  STEAMY  MOMENTS  HAVE  TO  GO  BEFORE  THEY’RE  CONSIDERED  NSFW? :

hfakshdas i said i was going to elaborate here but i’m embarrassed……………… AHEM ok! honestly nsfw content of a sexual nature is almost nonexistent across all my blogs regardless of whether the muse in question is a minor or not simply because i’m v awkward w the topic.

as a rule of thumb as to what i’ll tag as nsfw: anything that is more sexual in nature than kissing without tongue; if kissing involves tongue, it’ll be tagged as #nsfw cw / #nsfw ish cw (altho regardless of the intensity of the kiss i’ll still tag it as kissing & pda)

as for the specifics of the extent of nsfw that has the potential to appear on this blog:    – in verses in which ann ( or any of my muses ) is under or around the age 18: anything beyond intense kissing would be considered too nsfw for me to feel comfortable writing and i’d either stop there or have the thread “fade to black”    – in verses in which ann ( or any of my muses ) is an adult [ 20+ ]: anything beyond intense kissing / caressing of the body above the belly button and beneath mid-thigh / removal of shirts and/or pants ( undergarments remain on ) would be considered too nsfw for me to feel comfortable writing and i’d either stop there or have the thread “fade to black”

6.   WHO  ARE  OTHER  MUSES  YOU  SHIP  YOUR  MUSE  WITH? :

wait wha i thought i answered this question unless it means specific blogs??? in which case i owe my fervent frankness abt p5 girl gays to my gaylord and gayvior @shogitogo ( hifumi ) / @okxmura ( haru )  +  @freefound’s ryuji is my forever best boy  +  @queenedme could run over me w johanna and i’d thank them and their makoto +  both ann and i would lay down our lives for @burntofight’s sakura ( & their yuri & their evrae & their kamui——& theo gets an honorary mention bc he’s a Good )

7.   DOES  ONE  HAVE  TO  ASK  TO  SHIP  WITH  YOU? :

if you want to have our muses start out in a romantic relationship — yes! i like to communicate with the mun of whomever i’m shipping with so communication is a must! otherwise — nope! it would be nice but it’s not a requirement, especially if we have a thread or have interacted numerous times and you’d like to further their relationship in a romantic context.

however, if i a reblog a meme that implies / entails romance, anyone is free to send something in, even if we’ve yet to interact!

8.   HOW  OFTEN  DO  YOU  LIKE  TO  SHIP? :

it’s definitely not a priority and seldom ( if ever ) do i initiate interaction with the intent of romance. tl;dr: if it happens, it happens!

 9.   ARE  YOU  SHIP  OBSESSED  OR  SHIP  MORE - OR - LESS? :

i…………… don’t know what this means……………… but like i said in the previous question, shipping is not a priority of mine; however if we have agreed to ship then odds are i’m super enthusiastic abt it and would love to talk about them / their dynamic ( on this same note, if i ever become too overbearing, please don’t hesitate to tell me to heck off bc i absolutely understand and would never take offense to your doing so! )

10.   ARE  YOU  MULTISHIP? :

i should probably put this in my rules too but i’m multiship + ship exclusive meaning that i’m open to shipping w numerous different characters but won’t ship with another blog of the same character!

11.   WHAT  IS  ( ARE )  YOUR  FAVORITE  SHIP  (S)  IN  YOUR  CURRENT  FANDOM? :

i……………………. ………am i answering these questions incorrectly i feel like i am bc i thought i already answered this ( see question 1! )

12.   FINALLY,  HOW  DOES  ONE  SHIP  WITH  YOU?:

just approach me about it! ( even tho i can’t understand y u would ever want to )

tagged by: the swexy @burntofight​ tagging: any sorry soul that put themselves through the entirely optional torture of actually reading my response to this thing ( feel free to tag me! )

[isalabells]

Here, have a list of all the things Brigitte Johanna Henkel-Waidhofer managed to incorporate into her ??? novels bc Is2g, I’ll lose my mind if that gets swept under the rug for one more minute:

Native Americans and Asian Americans

interracial couples

a lesbian couple (while I am pretty certain that both Kosmos & Europa were way more liberal and laissez-fair with the stories’ content back then and are way more cautious and strict about it now (it’s givng me a headache, too) incorporating the gay in such a casual, incidental way in a children’s series in the mid-90s was ballsy af even for this context!! And I am *convinced* that she served as kind of a role-model for Minninger’s work; as in he never would have been so courageus and straightforward with lgbtq content lateron if it hadn’t been for her initiative here!)

a characters who keeps screwing with everybody’s assumptions about conformity to gender binarity (#Babette Eberle existed before Monique Carrera was cool)

black women in positions of power/having a succesful careers, eg as psychologists, head of a water management office, internationally renowned authors, businesswomen

women who can be anything they want: doctors, lawyers, undercover agents, secret agents, cooks, artists, inventors, shop owners, fashion designers, mechanics

some of the most iconic settings that are bound to bring vivid images of the US to life, eg snowy Lake Tahoe, Sedona, Virginia City, all of them I find unrivalled until this very day

women who always maintain an agency, no matter if they are the do-gooders or the villains

contemporary racism in the mid-90s US, its racist history, a reflection on how we might be racist without actually intending to be/noticing it (it took them 13 years before another author somehow approached this topic again. Just let that sink in)

TLDR: Within just 4 years, BJHW contributed 16 (!!!) novels, was the first and only author who ever had to carry the whole weight of responsibility on her own, without a single colleague to confer with, and managed to include characters of different ethnicity, skin color, sexual orientation, and (to some extent) gender identitiy, without making a big fuzz about it because that’s simply the way the world works, while also adressing pressing sociopolitical issues that define the very core of the country all of the freaking stories are set in. Oh, and there’s of course the small fact that the ??? wouldn’t exist anymore without her doing - she literally kept the series alive and kicking when it had bitten the dust in its orgin country a long time ago.

And still she got nothing but shit from a male-dominated fandom who felt insulted and threatened bc she refused to murder the trios’ girlfriends (aka characters that had been introduced by US authors, so by including them she actually made sure to keep some consistency) and dared to favor more realistic crime-incidents over writing the empteenth paranormal mystery. The majority of the fandom is villifying and bashing her until this very day, and all I can say is ‘People, have you even *bothered* to look at her stories and read them closely?’

Sure, if you wanna lament on how the classics are the best since sliced bread, go revert to your Robert Arthur (who wrote all of his stories while the Civil Rights Movement was still in full swing and who wrote his first story before the Civil Rights Act was even enacted, just so you give a hint about what kind of US society we’re talking here and what kinds of fictional products a white male would produce at that time) or William Arden who couldn’t write a decent female character if you held him at gunpoint. If you are still too blind to see that BJHW was a more sensitive, insightful, progressive, and open-minded person (who understood that even a children crime series should have some didactic value, hence used her position to make a difference) in the 1990s than you probably are today, then damned be we all. also do people who say they prefere the series to be stuck in the 80s forever even realize how problematic this makes them sound