#unapologetically gay. unapologetically weird

[tit-spoilers]

Real talk I'm so emotional about them never ever censoring themselves. I love these absolute freaks so much. They never stop being themselves for anyone, and it means everything to me

[uncanny-tranny]

Honestly, the "gay voice" and the "tranny voice" are both so fucking beautiful and stunning. Frankly, those are the voices I would rather hear than somebody who is complaining about the way queer people exist and speak. Those voices are what I want to hear serenaded to me, to hear express joy and pain and love, and hear exist. Those are the voices that are most gorgeous.

[dennisboobs]

.

[dnphan]

a person i BARELY know told me they love how unapologetically weird i am.

GIRL YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT??! i spend the majority of my time thinking about thirty year old gay men who make gaming videos

[lovely-v]

I can’t believe I’m watching Dan and Phil and listening to Fall Out Boy tonight oh my god

[gaylittlewizardcat]

I think what really annoys me when people who don’t like Cats talk about it is they don’t say “I don’t like Cats”, they say “Cats is bad”. Like okay you’re entitled to your opinion but you’re also factually incorrect. Go off I guess

[boydyke]

if a term for how you feel doesn't exist already, you can make up your own !

this is an awesome idea & such a sweet suggestion, thank you! ♡ maybe I will one day, i appreciate this ask a lot :)

[fratttymatty]

A New Type Of Art

(All characters are 18+)

Luke had always been the kind of guy who didn’t fit into a mold, and he liked it that way. He was an artsy, liberal college sophomore who spent more time with his paintbrush than his textbooks, more time discussing philosophy than politics. His long, blonde hair was usually in a messy shoulder-length style, a reflection of his creative, laid-back personality. People often joked that he looked like he’d stepped out of a 90s indie film, and he was fine with that.

He was proud of who he was—gay, unapologetic, and fiercely liberal. His friends in the dorm loved him for his passion, his endless debates on everything from climate change to gender fluidity. He wore the brightest colors he could find, mismatched patterns, and unashamedly displayed his individuality through his clothes. He didn’t care if people stared—he wanted them to. Being different was his art.

Luke was someone who lived openly. He was out, loud, and proud. He believed in change, in equality, in breaking barriers. But then something strange happened that would turn his world upside down.

It started when he wandered into the obscure little gallery downtown. The art was... different. No, it wasn’t just different—it was weird, unsettling even. All the paintings were of men—clean-cut, athletic, stoic figures that seemed too perfect, too polished, as if they were all carved out of the same mold. They stared down from their frames with proud, almost smug expressions.

Luke felt a tug of unease, but his curiosity got the better of him. He walked deeper into the exhibit, looking for something new, something that would spark his imagination. But what he found was something far more unsettling.

The curator, a sharply dressed man with cold eyes, suddenly appeared at his side.

"You’re not from around here, are you?" the man asked, his voice smooth, almost hypnotic.

Luke didn’t know how to answer. “I just came to see the art,” he said, glancing at the paintings again, the faces of the men still haunting him.

The curator smiled faintly. “Art is not just for seeing, my friend. It’s for becoming.”

Before Luke could ask what he meant, the curator’s hand landed on his shoulder. And everything changed.

Luke awoke with a start, his heart racing. The room was unfamiliar. The air smelled different—stale, almost like rubber or plastic. He rubbed his temples, trying to shake off the sudden dizziness that had overtaken him. His mind was foggy, his thoughts spinning like a broken record.

He glanced around. The walls were bare except for a few sports posters—one of a football team, another of a group of athletes holding up trophies. A large computer sat on a desk, the screen blank but sleek, high-tech. The bed he was lying on was too small, too clean.

Then, something caught his eye—a full-length mirror on the wall. He stumbled over to it, his feet feeling heavier than usual.

The reflection staring back at him was... not Luke.

It was a completely different person. His face—his features—were different. His once soft jawline was now square, his cheekbones high and pronounced. His blonde hair was gone, replaced by a rich, dark brown mane that was tousled perfectly, messy but in a way that looked effortlessly stylish. It was a little wavy, but in a way that made him look... well, hot.

The messiness of his hair gave him a rugged appeal, like he’d just rolled out of bed after a late-night party or a spontaneous game of pick-up basketball. His chest was broad, and his body had more definition—muscles that didn’t exist before now rippled under the tight-fitting T-shirt he wore, and his skin had a deep tan that made his features pop even more.

He reached up to touch his hair, the strands feeling thicker, softer than he remembered. There was a strange sense of satisfaction in how it fell around his face, like he was born to have it that way. As his fingers ran through the tousled locks, he caught the faintest whiff of cologne—something strong, athletic, and masculine.

Something inside him—a feeling that had been buried before—shifted. This was right. He was... supposed to look like this.

And then, as if to confirm it, a sudden wave of memories flashed before his eyes—high school memories. Football games. High fives with his teammates. Laughter with his jock friends. A pretty girl’s smile as she flirted with him in the halls. The vague recollection of endless hours spent playing Call of Duty in his friend’s basement, of sports cars and parties. The memories were his now, and they felt... good.

He glanced back at the mirror again. The face staring back at him was someone completely new—someone named Ethan Clark.

Ethan.

It sounded... right. It felt like the right name for the guy he had become.

Ethan’s first full day in this strange new life was a blur of sensations, conflicting memories, and awkward realizations.

He stood in front of his high school locker, the red-and-black track jacket feeling tight against his shoulders. The hallway buzzed with activity around him—students laughing, chatting, rushing to classes—but his attention kept wandering.

He couldn’t help but notice the girls.

They were all looking at him—some giving him shy smiles, others openly admiring him, especially the ones who whispered to each other and then giggled. Ethan had no idea how to handle it, but something inside him surged at the attention. It was like he wanted it. He liked the way they were looking at him. The way his tousled brown hair framed his face just right, the way it somehow made him look cooler, more attractive.

He caught a glimpse of himself in a locker mirror, and his heart skipped a beat. He looked good—like a guy who played varsity football, who could crush a bench press, who wore his hair just so in a way that drove girls wild. It was different, but it felt natural. Comfortable.

“Hey, Ethan,” one of the girls said as she walked by, her gaze lingering on him for a second too long. “You’re looking extra hot today. What’s the secret?”

Ethan blinked, confused at first. Was she talking to him? She smiled, and he suddenly felt this unfamiliar surge of confidence flood his chest. Without thinking, he ran a hand through his dark hair, giving her a slight smirk.

“Just, uh... woke up this way, I guess,” he said, his voice rougher, deeper than it used to be.

The girl giggled, clearly charmed, and kept walking, throwing him one last glance over her shoulder. Ethan watched her go, a mix of pride and something else stirring inside him. He couldn’t quite place it, but he didn’t need to.

This was who he was now. The guy with the dark, messy hair who turned heads, who was adored by girls, who fit right in with the team, the jocks, and the “normal” crowd. He was straight, athletic, confident—and he had no idea who he was before. The memories of his old life were slipping away, like sand through his fingers.

He walked down the hallway, his steps firm and sure. The world was different now. And for the first time in a long time, he was okay with it. In fact, it felt pretty damn good.

As Ethan settled further into his new identity, he quickly realized he was getting a lot more attention than he ever had before. It wasn’t just the girls; the guys on the football team were treating him like one of their own, giving him high-fives, calling him “bro,” and acting like he was the man.

He loved it. And he made sure everyone around him knew it.

One day, during lunch, he walked into the cafeteria with his new crew—a group of jocks who clearly saw him as the alpha in their little pack. The guys were laughing and slapping each other on the back. Ethan’s loud voice cut through the chatter as he cracked a joke about how the girls were practically throwing themselves at him now that he’d "finally started dressing like a real man." His comment earned a chorus of laughs from the table.

“I swear, bro, these chicks don’t know what to do with themselves,” Ethan said, leaning back in his chair and running a hand through his now perfectly tousled hair. “Like, calm down. I’m just a normal guy.”

He smirked as the guys around him laughed, but the joke was all too familiar to him now—this was how they all talked. How the guys had to talk to be part of the crew. The alpha energy. The mocking of others. The jokes about the ‘liberal snowflakes’ and the ‘woke culture.’

“So, bro, what do you think of that chick in your history class? The one with the, like, big eyes?” one of his teammates asked, nudging him.

Ethan’s lip curled. “Pfft, she’s cute, but, like... I’m not really into the whole ‘intellectual’ thing,” he said with a scoff. “Girls should be, you know, fun. And pretty. That’s the only thing that matters. Politics are for losers anyway.”

The guys around him laughed, and a few clapped him on the back.

Ethan’s transformation was complete, or so he thought. Each day that passed, the remnants of his old life—the life of Luke—faded into oblivion. The whispers of art, of activism, of painting vibrant canvases of rebellion and love, all became distant echoes, drowned out by the thumping bass of his new life. The image of his blonde, shaggy hair, the colorful shirts, and the feeling of freedom in being himself—they were all gone now. Ethan Clark, the confident, athletic, and straight high school senior, was who he was meant to be.

And honestly? He couldn’t be happier.

The guy who once hated the idea of conformity, who argued endlessly with anyone who didn’t share his beliefs, had morphed into a version of himself that didn’t question anything.

Girls flocked to him. He flirted effortlessly, his tousled brown hair always falling just right, his posture always leaning casually against the locker with a smug smile that made their knees weak. He could tell that they adored him—hell, everyone adored him. The jocks respected him, and he’d even made it to captain of the track team. He was the star athlete, the alpha in his group, and nothing felt more exhilarating.

The few times when a flash of Luke’s old world would flicker—like when he’d overhear a conversation about climate change or a new art exhibit downtown—he’d feel a weird, nagging sense of discomfort, but it never lasted long. He’d push it aside with a loud joke or by tossing a football to one of his buddies, and the feeling would evaporate.

The most recent instance had come during a heated debate in his government class. A kid who sat in the back—one of those annoying guys with a patchy beard and a mind full of "woke" ideas—had dared to challenge Ethan's casual dismissal of LGBTQ+ issues. Ethan had shrugged it off with the kind of condescension that only someone truly at ease in his masculinity could muster.

“Dude,” Ethan had said, his voice dripping with arrogance, “I don’t know what kind of crazy world you’re living in, but we’re not doing that whole ‘gender-fluid’ thing here. I’m straight, I’m proud, and I’m not going to sit here and listen to some liberal lecture about equality. It’s simple: be a man, get a girl, and stop with all this nonsense.”

The guy had opened his mouth to argue, but Ethan had silenced him with a mock chuckle. “Honestly, I don’t have time for this bullshit,” he’d said, and with that, the room had gone quiet.

The looks of approval from his teammates and the laughter from his group had only fuelled Ethan’s growing sense of power. He was right, and everyone else was just wrong.

It was after that incident that the strangest thing happened—one night, alone in his room, Ethan stood in front of his mirror, adjusting his hair for the hundredth time, as he always did. His tousled, perfectly messy brown locks had become his trademark, and he ran his fingers through them with the kind of pride only a high school jock could have. He looked good. He knew he looked good. And for the first time in weeks, he allowed himself to enjoy the full force of that knowledge.

But then... it hit him.

The reflection wasn’t the problem—it was what was missing.

For a brief, disorienting moment, he could almost see it—the flash of blonde hair, the open, unapologetic expression, the vivid colors in his clothes. The warmth of a smile that wasn’t just for the girls or the boys who wanted to be his friend. It wasn’t just for the applause or the attention—it was a smile that came from being who he was, not from performing for everyone around him.

But the moment passed quickly, replaced by the face in the mirror that he now recognized so well—the face of Ethan Clark, the confident jock, the proud guy who didn’t care about the world of art or politics anymore.

For a second, though, Ethan’s gaze faltered. There was a slight hesitation—a small, uncomfortable ripple in the stream of his new identity.

“What the hell are you doing?” he muttered to himself, shaking his head. The thought felt foreign, even stupid. He smirked at his reflection, his confidence quickly returning.

“Get over it, man,” he told himself, his hand running through his messy hair again, his grip tight as he styled it just right. “This is who you are now. This is who you were meant to be.”

The unsettling sensation lingered, but only for a moment. Ethan stood tall, shoulders squared, and he smiled—genuinely, arrogantly—at the guy in the mirror. He had everything now. He was popular. He was strong. He had girls after him and the guys at his back. And most of all, he didn’t care about anything that didn’t fit into this new version of himself.

The weeks passed, and the echoes of Luke’s old life grew quieter. Ethan’s friendships with the other guys on the football team deepened, and his bond with the girls only grew more intense as they swooned over his rugged good looks and cocky charm. He spent less time reflecting on his past—less time worrying about the strange feeling in his gut that tugged at him when he thought about what he had lost.

One night, at a house party thrown by one of his teammates, Ethan stood with a group of his closest friends, a drink in his hand, and the girls around him laughing at his latest joke. Everything felt perfect. It was what he’d always wanted—what he’d deserved.

One of the girls, a blonde who’d been flirting with him for weeks, pulled him aside, her voice low and sultry. “Ethan, you’re like... so different from other guys,” she whispered, brushing a lock of his messy hair out of his face. “You’re just... amazing.”

He grinned, the compliment going straight to his head. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling the familiar rush of confidence flood him. “Well, babe,” he said, his voice smooth, “I’m just a man’s man.”

The girl laughed, leaning in closer, and Ethan kissed her on the lips. He’d become so used to this attention, this life of being the center of everything. It was a feeling he didn’t just enjoy—it was the only feeling that made sense anymore.

But as the night went on, as the alcohol and the party noise blared around him, a thought flickered again in the back of his mind. It was small, almost imperceptible, like a whisper from a distant past he couldn’t quite grasp. A memory of a world where being himself didn’t mean fitting in. A world where being free meant embracing everything that made him who he truly was.

The thought came and went, but this time it was different. It didn’t make him feel scared—it didn’t make him feel sad. It just... faded.

Ethan Clark was who he was. The boy who had been Luke was gone now. Completely gone.

And as Ethan kissed the blonde girl again, he couldn’t help but smile. He was everything he was meant to be.

There was no going back. There was no reason to.

Ethan’s transformation was complete. Every morning, he woke up in his new life, slipping effortlessly into the role of the popular, athletic jock—his tousled brown hair falling perfectly into place as if it had always been this way. His body was strong, chiseled from hours of training, and he was the star of the track team. More than that, he was a leader among the jocks, a natural at commanding attention without trying. He had the kind of quiet confidence that came from knowing he had it all, and he knew the girls were obsessed with him.

The girls couldn’t get enough of his athletic frame, his perfectly styled hair, and the cocky, yet irresistible smirk he threw their way. He had a certain swagger now—one that came from both his physique and the newfound belief that he deserved to be admired. Ethan was a magnet for attention, and it felt so good.

But there was something else—something he didn’t always let the jocks see.

Ethan had always been a gamer. Sure, he was now the track team captain, the guy everyone turned to for advice on their bench press, but late at night, after practice, when the house parties were over and everyone had gone home, Ethan logged into his gaming setup.

The gaming chair, the massive monitor, the LED-lit keyboard—it was all tucked away in his bedroom, hidden behind a door that only his closest friends knew about. But even now, as captain of the team, as the guy who’d casually broken the 400-pound squat record and was getting invited to college recruiters' camps, Ethan was still that guy—the gamer who lived for the thrill of the digital battlefield.

He had always been good at it. No, scratch that—he’d always been great at it.

Every night, he dominated the leaderboards in Call of Duty and Fortnite, racking up kills with ease. He had his own Twitch account, but it wasn’t for the fame. It was just for the adrenaline, the rush of hearing the ping of a headshot, the satisfaction of topping the scoreboard with his friends.

There were nights when he played until 3 a.m., still wearing his track hoodie, drinking a monster energy drink, the glow of the screen lighting up his face as he obliterated opponents. He'd be wearing his headset, yelling at his buddies—laughing, trash-talking, keeping it light. No one knew about his online identity, but to Ethan, it was just as important as any track medal or touchdown. It was where he could be himself without the weight of the jock persona, without the expectation of being perfect all the time.

The football field was where Ethan thrived. The air was thick with the sound of cleats pounding the turf, the shouts of coaches pushing their players harder, and the constant rhythmic thumping of the ball hitting the ground. Ethan, naturally, was right at the center of it all, a strong, imposing figure in his football gear, his dark hair peeking out from under his helmet, his chest heaving with every breath.

As the captain of the football team, Ethan had earned the respect of every player on the field. They respected his strength, his unrelenting drive, and his ability to motivate others. He was ruthless in practice, always pushing the team harder, making sure no one slacked off. But despite his hard-nosed approach, he kept a certain arrogance that kept the guys in line. He wasn’t just the captain—he was the guy who set the tone for the team, the one who was feared and admired in equal measure.

Today’s practice was intense—punishing drills designed to improve agility and reaction time. Ethan’s muscles burned with the effort, but he wasn’t about to let up. He was determined to lead his team to victory this season. They had a big game coming up, one that could secure them a championship spot. And Ethan was more than ready.

He finished his sprints with ease, his lungs pushing through the burn, his legs feeling stronger with each stride. The guys were panting behind him, but Ethan didn’t even break a sweat.

“That’s how you run,” he said, smirking as he jogged back to the sidelines, his teammates panting behind him.

“Jesus, Ethan, you never slow down,” one of the defensive linemen, Jake, said between breaths.

Ethan threw him a lazy grin. “That’s because I’m built different, bro. You’re just not on my level yet.”

The guys chuckled, and Ethan felt the familiar swell of pride. He loved it. This was his world now. It felt right. The jocks who had once laughed at him in high school now admired him. The girls who had once ignored him now threw themselves at him. Ethan was the epitome of what every high school athlete dreamed of becoming—the guy who was good at everything, effortlessly cool and untouchable.

But then something caught his eye—a flicker of doubt. It was subtle. One of the guys on the team, Alex, had been showing Ethan something on his phone earlier in the locker room. He’d been talking about the new Star Wars Battlefront game and how he was crushing it with some of his online buddies. Ethan barely registered it at the time.

Now, as he caught his breath, he couldn’t help but think about it. Alex had mentioned a team—a clan that all played together late at night. The more Ethan thought about it, the more he realized that even though he was crushing it on the field, there was something oddly thrilling about those nights alone in his room, the camaraderie of his gaming friends, and the rush of winning in a world that didn’t care about how many touchdowns he scored or how big his biceps were.

His thoughts were interrupted when Coach shouted across the field.

“Clark! Get your head in the game! We’ve got a season to win!”

Ethan snapped back into focus, mentally shaking off the random thought. He was Ethan Clark, football captain, jock, the guy everyone looked up to. That was who he was.

Later that night, after the last of his teammates had left, Ethan headed back to his room, dropping his gear on the bed and collapsing into his gaming chair with a deep sigh. His muscles ached, but the comfort of his familiar setup—the glowing RGB lights, the cool click of his mouse, and the hum of the PC booting up—was like an old friend welcoming him back.

He was back where he belonged.

Ethan fired up Call of Duty, glancing over at his phone to see if any of his friends were online. Sure enough, a notification popped up: “Your Squad is waiting.”

He grinned.

Sliding on his headset, Ethan clicked “Join” and immediately heard the familiar voices of his gaming buddies flood through the speakers.

“Yo, Ethan, we’re about to wreck some noobs. You ready?”

Ethan’s grin widened. “Always, bro.”

As they dove into the game, Ethan’s body relaxed, his muscles still sore from practice, but his mind fully focused on the game ahead. This was where he felt free. This was where he could shut out the expectations of being the perfect athlete, the perfect teammate, the perfect son. Here, on the battlefield of the game, there were no rules about how to act or what to be. It was just him, his friends, and the rush of winning.

The hours slipped by in a blur of headshots and jokes. The adrenaline was just as real as it was on the football field, maybe even more so. Ethan was still the dominant force here. His reflexes were sharp, his aim precise. He dominated every match, and when they won, the rush was the same as it was when they hit the game-winning touchdown.

"Man, you're on fire tonight," one of his buddies, Tyler, said, laughing.

Ethan leaned back in his chair, a satisfied smirk curling his lips. "Just like always, bro. Who else can carry the squad like I do?"

The guys laughed, and Ethan reveled in the sound of their praise. It felt good. It felt right.

For a moment, as the squad geared up for the next round, he thought back to earlier that day on the football field—the sweat, the cheers, the hard work that had earned him his place as the team captain. Then, without even realizing it, his mind drifted back to his gaming chair, to his gaming world, where everything was just as real.

He wasn’t just Ethan Clark, the football player, the alpha jock. He was Ethan, the gamer, the guy who could lead a team to victory in both worlds—whether on the field or behind a screen. And for the first time in a long while, Ethan felt a sense of balance between these two sides of him. He had it all.

In this life, no one could touch him.

And that was exactly how he liked it.

Ethan's life seemed to revolve around two worlds: the football field and his gaming chair. But then there was Sophia—his girlfriend—who lived somewhere right between them, a perfect accessory to his newfound high school popularity.

Sophia was the blonde girl everyone noticed—the type of girl who was the center of attention at every party, with a laugh that made guys turn their heads and an effortless grace that made other girls a little jealous. She was the kind of girl who belonged on the arm of a guy like Ethan—athletic, handsome, and undeniably cool. And now she was, and she knew it.

The two had started dating a few weeks ago, and it had been a perfect fit. She was beautiful, outgoing, and obsessed with the idea of being with someone like Ethan—someone who could give her all the status and attention she craved.

Ethan wasn’t the kind of guy who spent a lot of time on his emotions, but when Sophia smiled at him, he couldn’t help but feel a certain rush of pride. He'd caught her eye first, but now she was his, and it felt good. There were whispers in the hallways, and every girl who tried to get his attention was met with the same smug, “I’ve got my girl” attitude. It was the kind of confidence that only someone who knew he had everything could pull off.

Sophia didn’t mind the attention. She was used to it, and she loved the way Ethan’s popularity amplified hers. It was a match made in high school heaven.

Later that day, after practice, Ethan found Sophia waiting by his truck, her arms crossed, a playful smirk on her face. He had been walking out with a couple of the guys from the team, talking about the upcoming game, but when he spotted her leaning against the tailgate, all conversation stopped. His friends shot each other knowing looks, and one of them, Alex, made an exaggerated “Ooooh” noise.

Ethan didn’t even acknowledge them. He made his way over to Sophia with that familiar swagger, not caring if anyone was watching.

“What’s up, babe?” he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Sophia grinned, her eyes gleaming. “Not much. I was just thinking about how awesome you looked out there today. You were like, on fire.”

Ethan couldn’t help but smirk. “Of course I was. It’s what I do.”

She laughed, the sound high and melodic, and stood up straight. “Well, I’m glad you’re on fire... because I was thinking you could use some company tonight,” she said, teasing him a little as she walked toward the passenger side of his truck.

Ethan raised an eyebrow as he followed her. “What kind of company?”

She shot him a wink as she slid into the seat, settling in with a practiced ease. “Let’s just say I have plans for us—and they don’t involve any football or video games tonight. Just you and me, Ethan.”

Ethan grinned, his chest puffing up with pride. This was the life—the kind of life he’d always imagined. Popularity. Strength. A beautiful girl who loved him.

It was almost too perfect.

As he drove off, his mind wandered briefly, but it wasn’t to his old self—the person he used to be. There was no trace of Luke anymore, no reminder of the boy who’d been scared to even talk to a girl like Sophia. No, this was his world now. He was Ethan, and Sophia was his, and that was all that mattered.

At least, that's what he told himself.

[lvnleah]

figuring it out | beth mead.

this is a fic about a personal experience so please be kind with it <33

You’d always been the kind of person who jumped headfirst into relationships, never spending much time between them. Friends and family joked about how you were “boy-obsessed,” but it never bothered you much. It was just who you were—or at least, who you thought you were.

When you signed for Arsenal, your world expanded in ways you hadn’t expected. The team was welcoming, and you quickly found yourself surrounded by incredible women who shared your passion for football. Among them was Beth.

Beth was funny and unapologetically herself. She was one of the first people to make you feel at home in the squad. You clicked immediately, forming an easy friendship that quickly became close.

Beth being openly gay wasn’t a big deal to you. You had plenty of gay friends and teammates throughout your career, and it never crossed your mind to think about it any deeper.

At least, not until Beth.

The first time you realized something had shifted, it caught you completely off guard. You were at training, and the two of you paired up for drills. Beth cracked some ridiculous joke that had you doubled over laughing, and when you looked up, her grin was bright and carefree. Your stomach flipped.

“That bad, huh?” she teased, misinterpreting your reaction.

You shook your head, forcing a smile. “No, you’re just—” You stopped short, unsure how to finish the sentence. Funny? Beautiful? Both felt dangerously true.

Beth tilted her head, a playful glint in her eye. “I’m just…?”

“Annoying,” you shot back quickly, hoping your voice didn’t betray the chaos in your chest.

“Right,” she said with a mock glare, tossing the ball to you. “Let’s see if you’re still laughing when I beat you in this drill.”

That’s weird, you thought, brushing it off. It’s just because she’s so funny you tried to convince.

But the feelings didn’t stop. They crept in at unexpected moments—during team dinners, when she sat next to you, her leg brushing yours under the table; during training, when she scored a brilliant goal and turned to you with that mischievous glint in her eye.

You told yourself it was admiration, nothing more. You admired her skill, her confidence, and the way she seemed to make everyone around her feel at ease. It didn’t mean anything.

One evening, after a particularly gruelling match, the team gathered at a local pub to unwind. You found yourself sitting beside Beth, her shoulder pressing lightly against yours. She was in the middle of recounting some story, her hands animated as she spoke.

“And then Leah completely wiped out!” Beth laughed, her eyes crinkling in the corners.

You laughed too, though you hadn’t really been listening. You were too focused on the way her lips curved, the way her laughter seemed to fill the room.

“You okay?” she asked suddenly, catching you staring.

“Yeah,” you said quickly, looking away. “Just tired.”

Beth narrowed her eyes but didn’t push further, though you could tell she didn’t believe you.

Then came the away trip.

You and Beth shared a hotel room, and the evening was perfect in its simplicity. You ordered room service and watched a cheesy rom-com together, laughing at the over-the-top plot twists.

“That is the most unrealistic kiss I’ve ever seen,” Beth said, throwing a piece of popcorn at the screen.

“You think you could do better?” you challenged, raising an eyebrow.

Beth smirked, leaning back against the headboard. “Oh, absolutely. I’d nail it.”

Your stomach flipped again, and you quickly turned your attention back to the movie.

At some point, she fell asleep, her head resting on your shoulder. You didn’t move. You couldn’t. Her steady breaths and the warmth of her so close to you felt oddly intimate. And for the first time, you wondered if maybe—just maybe—you weren’t as straight as you’d always believed.

The realization terrified you. It kept you up all night.

You were twenty-five, surely you’d have realised you’d liked women before now?

The next day, you avoided Beth. Your usual easy banter felt strained, and when she asked if you were okay, you brushed her off with a weak excuse about being tired. But Beth wasn’t believing it.

“Alright, what’s wrong?” she asked during training, pulling you aside.

“Nothing's wrong,” you said, avoiding her gaze.

Beth sighed, her expression sceptical. “You’re acting weird. Did I do something?”

“No,” you said quickly, feeling guilty for making her think that. “No…It’s not you. I’m just…dealing with some stuff.”

“Okay,” she said after a moment, her voice softer. “But you know I’m here if you need to talk, right?”

You nodded, but the lump in your throat made it impossible to say anything more.

Back in London, you put distance between yourself and her. You threw yourself into training and found reasons to skip team outings. But Beth wasn’t one to be ignored.

She showed up at your apartment one evening with a bag from your favourite Chinese takeaway.

“You’ve been weird lately,” she said bluntly, settling onto your couch like she belonged there. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you lied, grabbing the food and avoiding her eyes.

“Right,” Beth said, drawing the word out. “So, it’s just a coincidence that you’ve been avoiding me for weeks?”

You hesitated, the weight of her gaze making it impossible to keep up the charade. “It’s complicated,” you finally admitted.

Beth sighed. “I’m not going anywhere, you know. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”

Her words made your chest ache, and for a moment, you considered telling her everything. But the fear of losing her made you keep your mouth shut and just told her it had to do with an argument with your mum.

It all came to a head during a team night out.

The pub was crowded, and the drinks were flowing freely. You felt yourself relaxed for the first time in weeks—until you caught yourself staring at Beth. She was mid-conversation, laughing at something Leah said, and you couldn’t look away.

She noticed.

Her eyes met yours, and she raised an eyebrow, her lips quirking into a knowing smile. Embarrassed, you excused yourself and stepped outside, the cool night air doing little to calm your racing heart.

You heard the door open behind you, and a moment later, Beth was there.

“You’ve been acting so strange around me,” she said, her voice laced with concern. “What’s going on?”

The alcohol made you bolder than usual. You took a deep breath, the words spilling out before you could second-guess them.

“I-I like you, Beth. And it’s terrifying because I’ve never felt this way about a girl before.”

Beth’s eyes widened, and for a moment, you were sure you’d ruined everything. But then she stepped closer, her expression softening.

“It’s not so terrifying once you let yourself feel it,” she said quietly.

Beth’s words hung in the air, her voice steady yet filled with something deeper—something understanding. She didn’t look surprised or awkward. If anything, her expression softened further, like she knew exactly what you were feeling.

“It’s okay to be scared,” she continued, stepping closer. “I’ve been where you are.”

“You have?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

She nodded, her gaze steady. “A few years ago, before I came out. I was terrified of what it all meant—of how it would change things with the people I cared about. But the hardest part wasn’t figuring it out. It was not letting me feel it. I wasted so much time convincing myself it was easier to just…pretend.”

Her words hit you like a wave, a strange mix of comfort and fear swirling in your chest. You looked down, unable to hold her gaze. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Beth reached out, her hand brushing against yours. “You already have. Telling me? That’s the hardest part.”

You let out a shaky laugh, still staring at the ground. “I thought the hardest part was figuring it out.”

“That’s hard too,” she admitted, squeezing your hand gently. “But you don’t have to do it alone. And you don’t have to have all the answers right now.”

You hesitated, the weight of your emotions making it hard to breathe. But when you looked up, Beth was still there—calm, patient, and unshaken.

“Did it take you a long time?” you asked, your voice quiet.

She nodded again, her smile tinged with understanding. “Longer than I’d like to admit. But once I stopped fighting it, once I let myself feel what I was feeling…it got easier. And it was worth it.”

“Worth it?” you repeated, your voice cracking slightly.

Beth’s smile widened, a little teasing now. “You’re worth it.”

You blinked, your heart pounding in your chest. For a moment, you didn’t know what to say, but Beth didn’t seem to need you to.

“Come on,” she said, tugging your hand gently. “Let’s go back inside before Leah starts a bet about why we’re out here.”

You laughed despite yourself, her words easing some of the tension. “Leah would absolutely do that.”

“Exactly,” Beth said with a grin. “And she’s terrible at keeping secrets, so we’d have the whole team asking questions by tomorrow.”

She started to pull you toward the door, but you hesitated, your hand tightening around hers. “Beth?”

She stopped, turning back to you.

“I don’t know where this is going,” you admitted, your voice wavering. “But I know I don’t want to lose you.”

Her expression softened, her fingers lacing through yours. “You’re not going to lose me. Whatever this is, whatever it becomes—I’m here.”

Her words wrapped around you like a blanket, warm and reassuring. For the first time in weeks, the knot in your chest loosened.

“Okay,” you said softly.

Beth smiled, her grip on your hand firm but comforting. “Okay.”

With that, she led you back inside, her presence steady beside you. The noise of the pub seemed distant now, the weight of your fear lifting just enough for you to feel something else—something new. Something that felt like hope.

You started spending more time together, your bond deepening as your relationship evolved from friendship to something more. For the first time in your life, you weren’t rushing into love. Instead, you were savouring every moment with Beth, learning what it meant to truly fall for someone—not because you’re afraid of being alone, but because they make your world brighter.

It was subtle at first, the way things changed. You found yourselves lingering a little longer after team dinners, sharing small moments that felt big. There was the touch of her hand on your arm as she joked with you, the way she caught your eye during training, a shared glance that meant more than words could say. Slowly, you became more comfortable with the new dynamic between you. The fear, once overwhelming, now felt like something you could navigate together.

One night, after a quiet dinner at your apartment, the evening wound down with the two of you sprawled on your couch, the flicker of a movie casting soft light across the room. There was something different in the air—an unspoken tension that neither of you could ignore.

Beth looked at you, her eyes soft, a little vulnerable. “I’m glad you’re here,” she said quietly, her voice almost a whisper. The simplicity of it struck you, the way she didn’t need to say anything more but you felt the weight of her words.

You met her gaze, your heart pounding a little faster than usual. “Me too,” you replied, your voice matching the softness of hers. There was no rush, no pressure. Everything felt easy, and yet, there was a part of you that knew something was about to shift.

And then, without another word, you leant in. The kiss was at first, tentative, as if both of you were testing the waters. But the moment your lips met, something inside you clicked. It was warm and tender, an undeniable pull between the two of you that neither of you could deny. Her hand moved to your cheek, the touch gentle as she deepened the kiss. The world outside your apartment faded, and for a moment, it was just the two of you, everything else irrelevant.

When you finally pulled away, breathless and a little dizzy, Beth’s eyes locked on yours, a question lingering in them. “Are you sure?” she asked softly, her thumb brushing over your lips.

You nodded, the uncertainty gone as you stood up and pulled her off of the sofa. “Yeah. I’m sure.” You smirked as you pulled her to your bedroom.

The next morning, you woke up in Beth’s arms, the warmth of her body pressed against yours. For a moment, you didn’t move, just savouring the quiet, the intimacy of the moment. Your fingers traced absentmindedly over her skin, and when she stirred, her sleepy smile was the most contented thing you’ve ever seen.

“Morning,” she murmured, her voice husky with sleep.

“Good morning,” you replied, your heart full in a way it’s never been before.

You shared a quiet breakfast, talking about everything and nothing, your laughter filled the space between you. The ease of it all makes you realize just how much it felt like home.

Later, when you both got up to go to the kitchen, Beth brushed her hand across your lower back, her touch lingering for just a moment longer than necessary. The simple gesture sent warmth flooding through you, a reminder that this is real, that she’s real.

Beth turned to you as if reading your mind, a soft smile playing on her lips. “I don’t know where this goes,” she said, her voice serious but kind. “But I know I want to be here. With you.”

You looked at her, your heart swelling with emotion. “Me too,” you answer, feeling a contentment you never thought you’d experience. “Wherever it goes, I’m with you.”

A few months passed, and everything between you and Beth felt natural now—like breathing. You’d spent so much time together, both on and off the pitch, that it was impossible to remember what it was like before you met her. The bond you shared was undeniable, and to your surprise, the fear you once had about being vulnerable with her had completely faded. Beth had become your home in a way no one else ever had.

You’d kept things private for a while, just the two of you, figuring things out at your own pace. The other girls on the team had noticed the subtle changes—the way you were always paired up together, the way your smiles lingered a little longer when Beth was around. But no one had said anything, and you were thankful for that. For now, it was yours to hold onto.

But all good things, you knew, couldn’t stay hidden forever.

It started innocently enough—just a casual team dinner after a long week of matches. Everyone was laughing, chatting about their plans for the weekend, and you and Beth were sitting side by side, as usual. But that night, there was a different energy in the air, and you couldn’t quite put your finger on why. Your teammates were more observant than you thought, picking up on every little glance you shared, every laugh that was just a bit too intimate.

Leah leaned in with a teasing grin. “So, you two gonna tell us what’s going on, or are we gonna keep pretending?” she’d said, her eyes flicking between you and Beth.

Beth froze for just a second, but then she laughed, a low sound that eased the tension. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she’d said, glancing at you. But her smile was too knowing, too soft.

Steph, who’d been sitting across the table, raised an eyebrow. “Come on, seriously,” she’d said, the corner of her mouth twitching into a grin. “It’s obvious. You two are practically inseparable.”

You felt heat rise in your cheeks, your heart pounding in your chest. You glanced at Beth, who was looking at you now with that same playful glint in her eye. There was no hiding it any longer.

“We’re not hiding anything,” you’d said, your voice a little too defensive for your liking. “We’re just…” You’d trailed off, unsure how to put it into words. But then Beth leaned forward, her hand brushing against yours under the table, and the simple gesture made everything click into place.

“We’re together,” she’d said simply, her eyes meeting yours with an unspoken promise. “Been for a while now.”

The room had fallen silent for a second, and then the teasing had started in full force. Leah was the first to break the quiet, a grin spreading across her face. “Well, about time! We all knew it,” she’d said, nudging you with her elbow. “You two are way too obvious to keep it a secret.”

You’d laughed, the tension in your shoulders easing as your teammates bombarded you with questions and congratulations. The teasing had been light-hearted, the kind of playful banter you’d come to love. But underneath it all, there’d been a sense of acceptance, of warmth. No one had judged, no one had been uncomfortable. They’d just been happy for you.

As the evening had wound down and the group had begun to disperse, you and Beth had ended up walking out together. The night air had been cool, and the city had been alive around you, but it had felt like it was just the two of you in the world.

“You okay?” Beth had asked, her hand brushing against yours as you walked side by side. Her voice had been soft, her usual teasing tone replaced with something more serious.

“Yeah,” you’d replied, glancing at her with a smile. “I’m okay. Actually, I’m better than okay.”

She’d grinned, a familiar twinkle in her eyes. “Good, because I’ve been wanting to ask you something for a while now,” she’d said, her voice taking on a nervous edge you’d never heard before.

You’d stopped walking, turning to face her, the unease in her voice immediately catching your attention. “What is it?”

Beth had looked at you for a moment, her eyes searching yours as if trying to find the right words. Then, with a deep breath, she’d said, “Will you be my girlfriend?” The question had been simple, but it had felt monumental in the quiet of the night. “I know we’ve been taking our time, and I want to make sure you’re ready, but I don’t want to wait any longer to ask you. Because I—” She’d cut herself off, looking down at the ground briefly before looking back up at you. “I really want you to be mine.”

Your heart had swelled at her words, the honesty in her voice taking you by surprise. You’d always known how much she cared about you, but hearing her say it—really say it—had made your chest tighten with something new, something beautiful.

You’d taken her hand in yours, squeezing it gently. “Yes,” you’d said without hesitation. “Yes, I want to be your girlfriend.”

Beth’s face had lit up, a huge smile spreading across her face. “Really?”

You’d laughed, nodding. “Really.”

Beth’s smile softened, and her hand gently cupped your cheek, her thumb brushing over your skin as if she was memorizing the feeling of you. The moment hung between you, full of promise and warmth, and without thinking, you stepped closer to her. The city sounds faded away, leaving just the two of you in the quiet night.

Beth leaned in, her eyes flicking to your lips, and then back up to meet your gaze. You held your breath, the anticipation building between you, and in that second, everything seemed to fall into place.

With a smile that made your heart skip, Beth closed the distance, her lips pressing softly against yours. It was gentle at first as if testing the waters, but then it deepened, as if the world had finally caught up to what you both knew was inevitable.

When you finally pulled back, breathless and smiling and just like that, you knew you were exactly where you were meant to be—together.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

Stede's season 1 arc only makes as much sense as it does because he's GAY gay (has no attraction to women) but I think Anne Bonny really truely confirmed that he suuuuuper doesn't swing that way, because Stede's type so far seems to be a cool pirate who shares his interests and is unapologetically into him (that last part is important because of Stede's self esteem issues) and Anne Bonny genuinely ticks all three of those boxes. If they wanted to play him bisexual it would have been very easy for Stede to express attraction to Anne but turn her down in an effort to remain true to Ed and have it be proof that he's committed to his relationship with Ed even when they're broken up, but instead they had him be confused and a little weirded out that she was kissing him. Like this was not a "you're lovely but I'm engaged" moment it was a "eugh, why are we kissing?????" Moment.

[fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks]

I'm seeing a lot of people saying they're excited to see Charles realize he's in love with Edwin, but...y'all... I think he knows? The whole season he seems like he knows exactly how he feels about Edwin, but was denying himself the romantic aspect of those feelings. And there are SO many reasons for why he'd be doing so.

First off, he has said he doesn't want to end up like his dad. I'd wager he doesn't want to have a serious romantic relationship with anyone because he's worried he'll end up treating them like his dad treated him and his mum. I do think he had feelings for Crystal, but maybe he didn't believe it could become something lasting. She is living after all. He very well may have figured she'd grow up and move on to someone else, but at least he'd have had a girlfriend for a little while, almost like he would've if he hadn't died.

Similarly, as well as wanting a girlfriend/ partner, he may have always thought he HAD to have a girlfriend like lots of people think they HAVE to find a significant other of the opposite sex to settle down with like they're expected to. For someone who clearly wants to be alive, it's understandable for him to be reaching for what he was taught to be the "normal" experience for normal teenage boys.

It doesn't help that his dad very well could've been homophobic, so Charles never felt like it was safe for him or the boys he might've crushed on. Not to mention, it was the 80s, so he was probably being taught boys liking boys was wrong and/or would get you killed, even if his dad wasn't the one saying it.

I feel it's also worth mentioning that he's known Edwin for 30 years. That's nearly twice as long as he had been alive. Edwin had shown Charles a kindness he'd seen little to none of before and then kept being kind to him. He was unapologetic and sometimes harsh about voicing his opinions, but also listened to Charles'. He knew what it was like to hide things about yourself like Charles did. Charles may have even clocked Edwin was gay from very early on.

I headcanon he probably more or less went from ignoring it cause it's Edwin, to feeling weird about it but not showing it, to getting curious and learning more about it, to looking up "how to be a good ally" to accepting Edwin and reassuring himself that if Edwin does come out to him, he will make sure he knows that Charles will always accept him for who he is, and that this wouldn't change how much they mean to each other nor the respect they have for each other. (Really, he seemed so ready for that confession. It wouldn't surprise me if some planning went into what he was gonna say. Just didn't expect it to happen in Hell.)

Anyway, my point is that Charles seems to have put Edwin on something of a pedestal. He sees him as kind and good, and Charles will protect him with everything he has so that he may remain so. Charles can't help but love Edwin, but he will make sure that love is from a selfless place. Partially so he won't be taking anything Edwin shouldn't have to give, but also because he may not think Edwin would want to give or take anything to or from Charles if he saw the things Charles hates so much about himself which possibly includes: all the things his dad said was wrong with him, everything he grew up being told was wrong with people like him, all the things he sees of his dad in himself, and possibly more.

AND! Edwin is an upper-class(?) white boy from 1916. Charles is a queer punk from India. He may have thought Edwin would have had some prejudices against him even subconsciously for a while when they first met, which would have also been an acceptance-of-feelings deterrent.

Ultimately, if it turns out Charles also needed over 30 years of looking at his friend like that to figure out he like likes Edwin, I'll still love it. But I'd also be surprised. Boy was blushing and giggling for Edwin since they first met even while dying of fucking hypothermia. I swear.

[v7n5]

More experimentation with acrylic markers. I wanted to make some concept art for my designer/model au so here’s Nacho as a DSQUARED2 model (mostly inspired by their SS24 show)

I tried to lay down more natural looking colors this time. One thing that bothers me is that the small set I got didn't allow me to go darker on his skin tone because the shade range is horrid. I had to digitally alter it to my liking the best I could or else it’ll kill me. If you think some parts look weird or blurry, that’s because I edited tf out of these.

Inspo and references under the cut.

Poses and looks from the runway (kinda obsessed with the cut of that pink mini tee and the gender affirmation it's giving. I need it. There's also a "It's a girl" one.)

Denim and oversized sagging pants would be Jesse's signature. It's in no way his to invent or own, but he'd adopt it during his teenage years.

Adult gay magazines and a zine from the 70s - 2000s. I love how the third one sounds like it's taking a dig at some straight people who cannot seem to recognize the existence of queerness in media unless it's deliberately spelt out for them lol, but that's just my personal interpretation.

Adult TV channel from the 80s.

This certified classic & banger that opened the SS24 show.

I also came across this motivational message by Dean and Dan Caten themselves and think it's so iconic and endearing. Jesse would definitely hype the models up in his own fun and unapologetic way like this.

[sexygaywizard]

sexy gay wizard, why are you reblogging transphobic posts from radfems? like i know we all like to make haha funny jokes but its kind of unnerving to see unapologetic bigotry and hatred of an entire group of marginalized people disguised as a haha funny joke. baeddels and terfs are already bad enough to deal with please dont tell me you believe in their anti-transmasculine bigotry as well

don't be stupid. if i reblog something from a terf let me know don't send me weird vague shit

[canichangemyblogname]

Hot take? A show with queer people in it from the beginning was never queerbaiting and— very literally and technically— never could. In the first episode, a gay man comes out to his family. And he doesn’t stop being gay after that; it’s a major plot point and part of his character going forward. You’ve had a married lesbian couple from the jump who are proud and unapologetic about their love for each other. The story has also portrayed several queer couples and stories in episodic plots, including featuring queer weddings.

Buck didn’t suddenly “become” bi. Queerness is not when straight people “turn” queer. He has been attracted to men the entire time; he has always been bi. Understanding yourself and your sexuality as a queer person is often so difficult under heteronormativity. Sometimes, it takes time.

Hell— Buck checking a guy out some time in season 3 or getting flustered by the idea he might like a guy, etc, etc, are not even examples “queerbaiting,” nevermind how the show already features queer stories.

I genuinely think some of y’all are just mad that he’s not sucking face with the man you want him to, and are being weirdly homophobic about it. “Buck kissing this man is kinda off-putting, lmao.” “Buck and his bf’s relationship is awkward. IDK, but it weirds me out.” “There’s something so cringe about Buck’s relationship—” “Who dates someone they haven’t been friends with for years first? It’s kinda creepy…” “I think their relationship is a weird mess. It’s not as meaningful as a slow burn.”

Life isn’t fanfiction and fanfiction tropes don’t make good writing. Most relationships start out with a “hey, I’m interested in you, let’s get to know each other.” You’re just transparently uncomfortable with two men expressing that interest in each other outside the arbitrary rules you’ve established to make a mlm relationship “legitimate” or “meaningful.”

[Fanfiction] tropes— from “there’s only one bed” to “we’re forced together, but fall in love anyway”— are responses to the sex-negativity and purity culture norms forced upon gender and sexual minorities. They provide a workaround for these norms but never a direct challenge. It’s like the Family Guy episode “Prick Up Your Ears,” where conservative Christian abstinence-only sex education leads to kids having ear sex. Ear sex is the workaround to the abstinence and purity rules they’d been taught, not the challenge. We still have stringent rules around who can touch whom and under what circumstances. Tropes reflect this. So, a trope like “there’s only one bed” provides the characters with a justification for their intimacy without directly challenging why it is taboo.

You’ve convinced yourself that shipping— and thus the tropes it employs— is more subversive than actual representation, and the people caught in the crossfire are actual queer people.

Also— for the love of fuck— stop comparing every mlm relationship to RW&RB.

[maximumqueer]

I've recently been thinking a lot about the queer rep in One Piece (particularly Ivankov and the the New Kama of Impel Down) and how it feels different from a lot of other main stream/popular media that also has queer rep in it. And the best way I can think of describing it is that it doesn't feel sanitized in the way a lot of other queer rep/media does.

Like. Normally queer rep in pop media tends towards cis gay (often cis gay white men) who do not present as overly feminine, who are "just like you" (you being cishet people) with the only difference being that they like boys as a boy (or girls as a girl). It shies away from queer culture and places its gay characters in heteronormative roles despite their gayness. Queerness in One Piece doesn't do that, and Ivankov and the New Kama are the perfect example of that.

Everything about them is queer. From the gay club hidden in a prison, to Ivankov himself - being a queer genderfluid drag queen whose power set involves being able to instantly trans another persons gender, to Inazuma regular switching between masc and fem presenting with no explanation.

I think this panel

encapsulates that feeling perfectly. This is in no way meant to hand hold the cishet audience. It is unapologetically queer, directly questioning not just the gender binary, but the very concept of gender. It celebrates the differences and diversity that is found within queerness in a way I rarely ever see in other main stream media of similar popularity.

I cannot overstate how happy - as a queer and trans person - this makes me. To have a shonen manga of all things celebrate the inherent weirdness that is human gender expression, and have it not be played as a joke. To have characters like Ivankov and Inazuma be important to the story (NESSISCARY even). And to do that without hand holding the audience, or over explaining what is happening in these scenes.

And this isn't even mentioning other queer/trans characters like Yamato, Kiku, and Bon Clay. All of who are incredibly interesting and complex characters whose queerness and transness is presented with sincerity. Yamato's trans identity in particular is wonderfully intertwined with the rest of his character, bleeding into is idolization/respect of Oden, and his desires and dreams (being to follow in Oden's footsteps and act as the protector of Wano).

And obviously One Piece doesn't have perfect queer rep (no piece of media does). But I would much rather have queer rep that celebrates queerness as a whole with a few missteps along the way, then purely inoffensive rep that strips away any and all queer culture, sanitizing it to be appealing to a cishet audience.

[dnpbeats]

drop the dan loving goblin phil essay rn

(in reference to my tag on this post)

OKAY SO! In BIG dan says this about phil: "And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. [...] Especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference" (ty @goldenpinof for the transcript 🕺). Now obviously, this is in the context of dan being gay so for the most part he's referencing his sexuality here when he talks about being accepted, and I am not trying to undermine that at all. But I think that phil's acceptance of dan went deeper than just his sexuality (goblin Phil comes into this I promise lol).

dan also talks a bit in BIG about how he was nerdy and was bullied for that before he was bullied for being gay. He's also mentioned other times how being nerdy/geeky didn't use to be accepted. In the 4/13 stereo show, dan says: "Before YouTube, if you were a nerd, you felt like you weren't a valid member of society unless you were, like, captain of the football team or whatever. [...] Now, thanks to social media, it's like 'oh, okay, well if someone like Hank Green can exist, I'm fine.'" What's extra interesting about this example specifically is that dan is talking about representation in response to a fan prompting him to talk about queer representation in media. So like, yes the majority of dan's struggles in accepting himself were surrounding his sexuality, but I do also think there was a layer of being a nerdy kid at a time when it wasn't cool or fun that added onto him not accepting himself. And I do not think that that's completely separate from his nonacceptance of his sexuality.

So, what exactly does this have to do with dan expecting phil to be super debonair and then having those expectations shattered? But then still wanting phil, arguably even more than he did before? Well, I think that phil was (and is) unapologetically himself, and that was inspiring for dan to see. dan said in BIG that he didn't meet an out gay person until he was 18, so either that person was phil himself or he met phil shortly afterwards and phil was therefore one of the first out gay people dan knew. and we know from phil's coming out video that he wasn't ashamed of his sexuality at that time. but phil's acceptance of himself goes beyond his sexuality, like just look at his YouTube content at the time. he was doing experimental stuff that was weird as shit (I don't mean that in a bad way I like his old vids!). most people probably would not have the confidence or self-assurance to make the stuff he was making, let alone post it. and then, beyond that, he was just a nerdy guy himself! but it was something that he openly talked about online and we know he and dan bonded over video games/tv shows/etc.

And now let's think about this from dan's perspective. He's been watching this guy's videos forever. He's been talking to him online for the past couple of months, and while he was talking with phil (rather than "amazingphil"), I'm sure there was still that element of like "wow holy shit I can't believe I'm talking with amazingphil!" Hence why dan says in the mean girls video that he was expecting phil to be all "hi, I'm amazingphil! 😏" when they first met (also side note, when dan starts to make this joke phil starts doing it at the same time, so I'm sure this is a discussion they've had before lol). but Phil wasn't like that!!! he was all hunched over and awkward and dorky! because he was nervous!! BUT he wasn't ashamed of that. he wasn't trying to put on some AmazingPhil™ Smooth Operator Refined front. He was just himself. Unapologetically so. And for dan, I think that that meant so much in terms of accepting himself, but also feeling accepted. because how was he going to believe phil when he said "dan I love you for who you are" if phil was hiding himself around dan?

So yeah, I think that's why dan saw goblin phil, not amazingphil, and was still like "yeah I want to build my life with this person." Because for him, phil represented self-acceptance and being accepted and a safe place and someone who he could be on the same wavelength with and true unconditional love and someone he can geek out with and someone who will let him yap for an hour about whatever the hell dan has decided to talk about that day. of course he would like phil more than whatever version of amazingphil he had built up in his head. because phil loves dan for who he truly is and dan loves phil for who he truly is :)