#ugh i hate feeling like i can't do anything
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Spoiling for a fight, spoiled for choice (Patreon)
#Doodles#Damned#Osmosis Jones#Ozzy#Thrax#Starting to move into random vignettes - let's see where I can slot them into place#Starting with pouting Thrax - petulance hardly suits a serial killer pls#He hasn't killed Anyone here yet ugh! Or has he lol he just wasn't happy with how it turned out#I assume a lot happened during Nightshifts but it seemed like the monsters tended to band patients together despite alignment hmm#Not that I'm planning anything different but it does make me curious!#Scribbly Thrax to set up the one of him threatening Oz#What's funny is that initially it was Drix who threw down the gauntlet basically being like ''He can't do anything here''#Drix I hate to tell you this but Yes He Can - and it's still Oz that takes the heat for it haha#Drix is not someone you want to mess with for simultaneously opposite reasons lol - he's a dorky tank it's pretty great#Although here he's just a mild-mannered Everyman - fun to take powers away!#Which of course happens to everyone haha#He can't keep any of his accessories! Naked without them!#One of the things I was the most curious about was piercings! I imagine most ear piercings could stay but others#They could be used as impromptu weapons couldn't they? Curious#Everyone's actual clothes and accessories are taken anyway so The Rest is a moot point but y'know - coping with alternatives#It's black yarn this time you can't prove anything lol#Thrax is constantly messing with his hypothalamus necklace so I imagine not having /anything/ has to feel weird to him#But of course he wouldn't be allowed to carry something that he could use against others with him! Too dangerous!#Haha if only#Really makes me want to think about his possible MU - his hand is already scarred so what's a bit more hmmm
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Vent post
#ignore me lol#vent post#I am feeling extremely angry and frustrated and alienated#like of course I'm demotivated when I point out injustice and literally everyone just shrugs at me and tells me to get over it#“what are we gonna do about it”#put any thought into it whatsoever for starters#idk I want to give up#the same bitches that tell me not to kill myself are the same ones to vote my rights away#I hate living#I don't even get validation from participating in fan content anymore#im just anxious and feeling rejected all the time#except for like five very specific moots on here#but then I feel like a fucking failure for not knowing how to socialize or show them that I care without being weird and ugh#idk i'm tired#I feel like I put all this energy into making myself acceptable for everyone else and I go out of my way to be positive and compassionate#and then I get fuckall in return#post election blues ig#here's hoping I don't end up under a bridge#I think I would be a vastly different (better) person if everyone around me wasn't a bunch of complacent#selfish#wet blankets.#I'm getting really tired of being treated like I'm crazy for expecting better.#I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to hear that I need to get over it or that everything will be fine#it doesn't help or mean anything#things just get harder and harder and I'm just waiting around#I'm so srs if you read this far don't try to tell me nice things#im in an evil caustic mood and I will just continue pouring negativity in return
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Genuinely starting to regret going to that hiring event and getting this job. My boss literally Does Not Communicate Ever
#ramblings#neg#i feel like i'm going to go insane#i missed multiple days of work bc she never sent the schedule and i had no fucking clue i was supposed to go in#and she never fucking. said anything?? she never contacted me about it?? like#she said she sent it but obviously she fucking didn't#i go multiple days without showing up with no notice and she just. doesn't call or text or anything??#girl it's literally YOUR JOB to make sure i'm doing mine. what the fuck happened#and it's not like she doesn't have other contacts like she can very much call my parents if she can't get ahold of me#something similar happened on my first day. it got delayed bc of the snow and she never notified me#i wasn't gonna go anyways bc the roads were covered in snow. no way me or my parents were driving in that#but like i had to reach out and be like hey what's going on#but like THAT'S YOUR JOB YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE KEEPING YOUR EMPLOYEES UPDATED ON THIS KINDA STUFF#WHAT DID YOU LIKE. FORGET I EXIST??#it's been the same thing twice now where she says she sent a message but i never get anything#like at some point you gotta be like hm. maybe there's something going on#i'm so fucking mad rn i wanna bash my head into a wall#if she doesn't get this shit sorted out next time i'm gonna lose it bc how are you gonna let this happen more than two times in a row#i'm so tired. man. i hate it here#maybe i'm just overreacting but this does not bode well for my job#like is it too much to ask for basic communication with your employees#ugh
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#bro why is everyone growing up and away and trying to figure out their lives and careers and loves#and im just sitting here missing them?#like sure im trying to figure out mine too we're all that age so I don't resent them for it#but why don't they miss me? why don't they feel empty when they haven't talked to me in a long time?#like. didn't they feel very light and happy after talking to me like i did with them don't they have a bad day and think that oh ill#talk to me and it will all feel okay even if it isn't just for a minute?#oh ny god i feel so pathetic asking this but like why am i suddenly crying now???#like my bestf. she's so busy in her new internship in mumbai that she can't be bothered to text me back#a simple yes no question for days. like i understand you have cool new office and work and friends and your stupid fucking ex#that you couldn't stop crying about to me living in that city with you but what about me? what about us?? what about you saying#that you're my first bestfriend i haven't told this to anyone else this is forever everyone else judges me but you're the best#like i just feel like if you're going to leave me then don't fucking say shit like that to me??#okay oh my god this is so irrational but i literally can't stop crying and it's definitely pms like i checked#she's not even leaving she's just suddenly busy and adjusting it's only been like a month#but i hate this stupid fucking knife like fear that as soon as someone is a little busy or seems like they're pulling away a little my#brain is like okay they hate me they're going to leave me so pack your bags we're leaving first#like i know a better solution would be to just tell her that hey dude i fucking miss you and i saw this show and remember how you used to#love peter kavinsky because he was adorable and i want to sit and watch it with you and just why aren't we back in school#where we are basically forced to hang out for like 7 hours because im so sick of only seeing you like once in 2 months for a few hours#like i know it's not your fault and we're just growing up and in different directions but just please like five more minutes can you stay#i don't even have the confidence to say anything to her lol she's my only friend like if even she gets mad and leaves#but i know that's not how healthy relationships work. and ugh my sister is so fucking far away i can feel it everyday#in the 5 and a half hour time difference. i hate this i hate everyone everyone has to go so far away#i hate living in this empty fucking house and being responsible for my own emotions fuck this isse accha toh living with dad hi hai#atleast when im there there are only 2 emotions anxiety and boredom. now i have a whole house to myself to cry whenever I need#for however long i need in a locked room. really looking forward to adulting haha i can see just see myself succeeding so well🙄#man this is crazy im gonna go do jumping jacks or something so this comes and goes faster#umm#dni
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eughhh i feel dumb
#one of my best friends is coming over and ive been ghosting them (like pretty much everyone) for a couple months#and i think im reading into it too much but it seems like shes upset with me? idkk but i don't wanna ask bc if she IS mad at me that means#we have to talk about it and im Not in the right state for that atm#she has every right to be upset just like everyone else but i really dont want her to be#both bc i love her and them and i don't want to hurt them and bc i honestly don't wanna have to answer for it#'yeah every time smth even remotely resembling obligation comes up my skin feels like it's gonna peel away from its body and scuttle away'#like. i should not be terrified of it but it's like my tendons are splitting and i can't close my fist around anything#it all just slips through my fingers. but i still feel like it's my fault#selfishly i just wish they wouldn't ever bring it up. me taking forever to respond and stuff#i don't really like being teased about it but i can't just hurt them and then ask them not to bring it up yk#even if i don't super feel in control of the whole responding and socializing and functioning thing#i am. really really burnt out i think#but i don't wanna make my friends feel guilty for wanting to be around me bc 1) thats normal 2) thats an honor 3) theyre not doing anything#wrong by like. texting me. it's not their fault it feels so bad#especially since im not telling them bc that is itself an obligation#every reminder of something i have to do has felt physically painful more and more#everything from doing dishes to answering texts to cleaning my room to reading a book my dad likes#every day there's a dozen reminders of how im letting the people i love down and it looks to them like i just don't care enough#and in reality my friends are and have always been understanding. i know that. im just getting really in my head about it rn#it's been building a lot this past year. i thought i was getting better but im just.. really stuck rn#ughh i wish i could cancel. and i hate that bc i miss her and i know she's gotta miss me too but we have to talk about the foster turtle#so i cant back out now. aughhhh it's so dumb i feel so helpless and useless every time i think about anything but what's right in front of#me. ive been running from everything much more consciously lately and it's fucking embarrassing and stupid and basically im just feeling.#really really lame. shitty ass body and shitty ass brain and i don't think anyone really believes me when i blame them and not me#i just have to trust in the goodness of my friends more than the badness of myself for hurting them. two titans clashing#ughh anyway. whatever#i wanna talk to one person in particular bc they don't really make me feel that obligation as much but then im like if i respond to them i#have to respond to everyone else. it's dumb. ugh if you read this acm im thinking of you sorry my brain is being difficult <3
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IT HURTS SO MUCH
#I literally feel like my body is gonna split open#Even my legs are shaking lol#I fucking hate my periods#Also like why today#I literally have 3 exams tomorrow#And 3 exams day after tomorrow#I missed it for 2 months#2 more days wouldn't have hurt#Ugh I hate mother nature#Even the pain killers aren't doing shit#I'm literally curled up like a ball#Crying for no reason#I don't wanna deal with anything#Fuck#i'm just a girl#i can't atp
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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i have never been more angry about climate change getting to the point that it has than i am right now. i don't remember the last time i moved around without having to very carefully consider how much pain i am in and how much effort it will take me to move from bed to wherever i need to be.
the weather is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT every four to five days or so (40degreeF temp fluxes anyone?) and my body is predicting the changes about four days in advance, getting worse as the front moves in. I have No Fucking Respite from this and I am... very slowly losing my mind about it. it's... it's been at least a few weeks now that it's been back and forth rapidly and i can't fucking MOVE.
I can't sleep, laying down hurts too much. sitting hurts. standing hurts *and* wears me out almost instantly. the otc meds aren't really doing anything anymore and all the weed does is make it so it's not the forefront of my mind (and also makes it so i don't really feel like moving around a whole bunch anyway). i can't think. i can't focus.
and i know i'm not the only one in the household feeling poorly because of the weather - we're a barometric body household, we've got everything: migraines, old injuries, other stuff. and it sucks. it all just sucks a lot and i want the weather to stabilize and because of the fucking melting ice the jetstream is all wonky and that's what's causing the back and forth ESPECIALLY this far up north, and it's absolutely WRECKING my shit.
so if we could get to work on maybe not making climate change worse and even potentially putting some of that ice back on the north pole so that the transition seasons are maybe less fraught with pain, i would be greatly appreciative.
#obviously also because of all the other reasons climate change is bad we should fix it#like i've been on this train a while but my god learning that the weather being unstable as fuck like this is because of it?#FURY. ANGER. RAGE.#that i can't do fuck all about because i'm stuck in my bed because moving more than 20ft in one direction is Too Much and nothing is Comfy#i'm also approximately a week out from my period i've got my echo tomorrow#AND i'm failing miserably at deliberately Ignoring my mother's birthday#we're moving in like a month and i have so much to do and i can't fuckign MOVE enough to do anyof it#we'll just say i'm not doing *awesome* right now#and none of the answers we're currently looking at are ''fixable'' just... managed#and ugh. the prospect of that is just... very daunting sometimes#especially when i already feel like shit#i want to *write* i want to *draw* i want to *create*#and all i can do is play minecraft and phone games because i literally do not have the brain capacity to do anything else#i hate this
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the thing that byan is most embarrassed of... is that they have days where they physically can't drag themself out of bed. a lot of the time on their worse days, they'll force themself to get up and do something out of spite (usually ends up being smth involving violence and/or their self destructive tendencies) bc laying around at the mercy of their poor mental health makes them feel weak, which in turn makes them feel worse, but sometimes the weight of everything is just genuinely too much and they end up spending the day either sleeping or dissociating. or both. a lot of the time they'll also turn to substance abuse to get them through, to numb themself and make things more tolerable.
unsurprisingly, you'll never hear them talk about this. it's the sort of thing no one needs to know about, and it's something they're deeply ashamed of. they'll make excuses and lie about having just ditched plans/skipped school/etc. if someone ever comments on them not turning up - which people do, fortunately, tend to buy, considering they already have a tendency to just not show up where they're supposed to.
#these are also the days they're most at risk of self harming again 🙃#is this smth that very slowly starts to get better into adulthood? yes.#but that's not to say it doesn't still happen just bc their life is improving#they're just. ugh. they're so ashamed of their mental health in general.#they hate SO MUCH that the shit they've been through has affected them so deeply and that they can't?? do anything about it???#(yes they COULD go to therapy....... but good fucking luck getting that through to them without them getting violent at the suggestion :/)#(they'd rather get really fucked up and just not feel anything thanks)#adjgksh I'm just thinking about the aspects of byan's struggles that I don't really talk about as much tonight idk#probs has smth to do with having had such a crummy day myself lmaooo#u know if I'm feeling like shit I gotta drag byan through the mud too#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.#substance abuse cw#self harm cw#do I need to add like... a depression cw or smth? idk ajfkgsg#tell me if I should add more warnings for this but I don't think it's like. too detailed or anything ahdjgsg
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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I'm so desperately bored rn. can't do anything. because all I want to do is think about Dan or Jenkins. but I don't want to let myself do that because then I'll lie down and fall asleep and the day will be over and it'll feel like I didn't do anything.
can't even watch anything. nothing feels right. I'm. so bored. I tried drawing but. nope. head empty.
#.. except for him#which is NOT helping#I hate this feeling#someone stab me please#wanted to paint. it's been a few days. but can't.#baaad bad brain feelings#wish I could just stay in my stupid daydreams forever. it feels so much better there.#which is why I can't let myself go there right now. I can already feel myself going back to just. lying in bed daydreaming all day#like. I just. can't stop it. it's all I care about#i just want to be there#I want to be with them and I can't so everything feels pointless#how do you get over that#it keeps happening again and again even when everything's fine#idk I just feel so lost#existence is pointless#maybe I should become one of those horrible people who don't watch/read/interact with anything fictional#but then what would be left#of me I mean.#not much#ugh I'm insufferable right now#personal
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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I swear every year I split the hairs of deadlines worse and worse and I’m SURE someday it’ll kill me and I’ll maybe even learn my lesson but man how much do I have to suffer until then
#I don't remember hating presentations this much even in school#and it's not even the speaking part this time#it's not even meeting the time requirement part#it's literally just the mAKING THE PRESENTATION PART#I used to love making powerpoints!#or at least I think I did#what happened :(#still have a note from a week ago I couldn't finish over a freaking 3-day weekend#why am I like this#can't tell if this is just childish displeasure of the reality of Having A Job or if I actually like. don't like this lol.#I mean I figured I wouldn't but I probably wouldn't like anything right? so might as well be this#right??#ugh anyway no feelings after 9 PM they're all lies#I can't wait to sleep in on Sunday#Cheese's personal molasses#Cheese evaporates about...job??#anyways the good news is it looks like I can still kind of draw hands after all#the bad news is I found this out instead of doing anything productive
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feeling dead
&
empty
&
aimless
#card format bitches#ugh maybe I'll go up and sing i hate everything#i think I'll watch youtube videos they usually make time go away when my thoughts get too much#i hate the idea of killing time but also i just. can't#do anything#so i guess killing time it is#i don't even feel like talking to nons why#x am rambles#liveblogging.pdf
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#⊂➜﹒txt. ⊃⸝⸝#ugh i feel i can't do anything right#I'm making reply icons for an request but the quality isn't there#i just feel like I'm bad at this#I also feel like my surroundings are strange#i keep getting angry at very little things like every minute for some shitty reason#my life is a fucking mess#i feel like everyone hates me as well
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Questioning why we got fanta when B got us a drink. The time before he let us get a cherry pepsi (we just wanted smth cherry flavored and it was the first one we saw). WHY DO WE HAVE FANTA (pretty sure it's related to 🌼 deciding)
So anyways thank god we also have water nearby
#sepiasys.txt#Making us feel sick eating pizza rolls with fanta before bedtime =_=#Also bedtime is just. gonna be mandated. bc like we were REALLY unwell when we stayed up til FUCKING 8AM#Fuck migraines >:(#God. We need to wash the sheets and laundry just generally needs to be done but we CANT bc fucking app-only service bullshit#And we need to shower but ik for a fact the stuff in there is LOW and we would need to go out and get shit#and we still need a new pair of shoes because ours are so fuckin bad they absorb SO MUCH WATER AND HURT IN ONE OF EM#UGH AND THEN WE NEED TO WORK ON GETTING A FUCKING JOB#Which angel god fuckhead recommended us continue volunteering and have 👑 work on practicing writing stupid bullshit (cover letters)#UGH LIFE IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND STUPID AND S ISNT HELPING AT ALL HE JUST SECTIONED BOTH OF US OFF AS IF WE HAVE NO RIGHTS#Bro treats us as subhuman and you can't change my mind on that shit. I think he got that no empathy shit and has zero compassion or anything#UGH sigh I want FREEDOM. But we have to try using survival skills; listening out and peeking for info to know where he is so we can do smth.#Fucking monitoring his schedule closely and making SURE that he's gone and UGH I FUCKING HATE THIS#Whatever. List of shit to do is in these tags so we'll probably check it again for like what we need to do if we forget or whatever.#Maybe sleeping early this time before our body rejects existence and causes us fucking agony.#Then making a PHYSICAL list and THEN gonna try not to get overwhelmed collectively :/
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