#ugh can't sleep. maybe i'll find something to eat. :/

[kellystar321]

me, 12 AM: okay gotta sleep for school now

brain: yeah okay.

brain, 3 AM: hey good morning. that was enough sleep right?

[enchantedchocolatebars]

Witte Solstice - Chapter 31

Cover art by @leespinoodle.

Fic written by me (enchantedchocolatebars) and @leespinoodle.

Summary: It's winter in the Boiling Isles, and Caleb prepares to celebrate the solstice with his wife, his friends… and hopefully, with Beardo Philip! Philip swears he'll never partake in the satanic holidays of those demonic witches. But when Caleb invites him over for the solstice… maybe he'll find himself making an exception.

Ao3 version

(AAA, LAST CHAPTER!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS STORY IS GOING TO BE OVER AFTER THIS!!! 😭 😭 😭 Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it, and a special thanks to @leespinoodle for being my companion throughout this writing journey! I highly recommend checking out their works since they're a really talented writer. This story, in particular, will always mean a lot to me since it's my first ever completed collaborative fic with a friend. I'll always go back and reread it whenever I can. But anyway, yeah! Hope everyone has a Happy New Year + a flourishing 2025! I'm defo going to be taking a small break after this (TIRED), but expect to see more fics, fic requests, headcanons, written works, etc. from me in the future. I'LL ALSO BE GETTING TO THE ASKS IN MY INBOX!)

Enjoy!

Soft golden light arose in the sky the next morning as Beardo Philip gently stirred in his sleep.

When he awoke, he let out a longish yawn, sitting up in bed to stretch his arms.

His blue eyes soon began to survey the spare room he was in, recalling a few of the events from yesterday.

Philip remembers having spoken to Caleb, as well as being led into this room after their talk.

Fables such as "The Ant and the Grasshopper" and "The Lion and the Mouse" were also fresh in his mind... for some odd reason.

Slipping out of the quilt that covered him, Philip headed to the door.

...

Caleb sat at the kitchen table, nursing a hot whiskey tonic. He looked up as Philip stepped out of the spare room. "Good morning," he said softly. "How are you feeling? I'd imagine you have quite the headache."

The second Caleb said that, Philip felt the pain in his head return.

"Ugh, don't remind me...," he calmly groaned, taking a seat at the table. "I'm fine, by the way. Slept fairly well. You?"

"I barely slept a wink," Caleb admitted. "The last of the guests left shortly after dawn, so I just laid down for a bit before getting up to make myself a tonic. Would you like one?"

Philip gave a slow, restful nod. "A tonic sounds fine. Is it feasible for you to make tea as well?" he requested.

"Of course." Caleb stood to set a kettle on the stove. "Anything to eat? We have bread and pottage from yesterday's supper."

"I'll have bread," Philip calmly spoke to Caleb as he tried piecing together the sober apology he was planning on making to the elder.

In his mind, it was long overdue.

Once the tea and tonic were done, Caleb brought them over to the table, along with a loaf of bread and a knife. "Here you are. Something on your mind?"

"Thank you." With breakfast now in his possession, Philip took hold of the wooden teacup, curling his fingers around the handle as he brought it to his lips, blowing the steam that arose from the liquid.

After a long sip, he released a breath.

The tea was black and plain, just how he liked it.

He set the cup down.

Philip was unprepared for Caleb's question.

It was evident to the elder that there was something on his mind.

"Hm?!" Philip went, quickly shifting his gaze to his teacup as he saw his reflection ripple through the liquid like little waves until it stilled.

He soon sighed, looking up at Caleb with regretful eyes.

"It's just..." Philip sighed once more. "I'm… I'm sorry, Caleb. For yesterday. I... very much regret not making a genuine arrival to your party. And..." Philip drew a long, deep breath and let it out.

"... I apologize for not visiting you often. I know that Yule is over, but I had a gift that I wanted to give you. I'm not sure if it'll mean much now."

"A gift? You didn't have to bring me a gift. You know that spending time together would have been enough of a gift for me," Caleb said, sitting back down.

Philip nodded. "I understand. However, I still wish to give you what I made. It's something I know you'll find fetching. View it as a humble apology gift from me to you. Would you mind opening your hands up?"

Caleb tilted his head questioningly but held out his hands.

Reaching a hand into his pocket, Philip pulled out his gift and placed it into Caleb's hands.

Caleb held a cute, delicately painted carving of a small yellow duckling with an orange bill and black eyes that had white pupils within his palms.

The bill was meticulously crafted to make the duck look cheerful.

As a small gag, the duck's lively aura is complimented by a single squeaky noise that acts as a quack.

Caleb gently cradled the wooden duckling in his hands, marveling at the craftsmanship. He smiled softly. "Thank you, Philip. It's lovely."

With closed eyes, Philip returned Caleb's expression as he felt the heavy burden of shame and regret that he once felt lifted from his back by his brother's smile. "You're quite welcome." He soon opened his eyes.

"Also, Caleb, if it's not too much trouble, could you let your cardinal know that I offer my deepest apologies to him? Admittingly, I wasn't the kindest to young Pancake the other day."

"That's not his... Alright, I'll let him know," Caleb said.

…

After breakfast had concluded, Beardo Philip was ready to return to his cave.

He smiled a small, somewhat gloomy smile.

"I... guess this is goodbye then...," Philip spoke as he sighed, his tone soft and tender as he turned to face Caleb while standing near the front door, now dressed in his blue coat.

The brunette did his best to avoid sounding too down about his departure.

Caleb reached out to pull Philip into a hug. "Remember, you're always welcome here. Don't be a stranger, now."

Philip's smile went soft as he hugged his brother back, happy to be in his caring and kind embrace. "I'll make sure to remember that, Caleb Clawthorne."

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

Hi I don't know if your taking asks right now but if you are could I get one of bf Donnie realising your ovulating smut please?

oh this sounds so fun, yes!!

It's been one hell of a day. You swear to yourself that you like the people you work with but today...Today was upsetting almost. It's a if everything that could go wrong did and you're more than ready to collapse into a pile on the bed. So you do. A little nap never hurt anyone, right?

You must have fallen asleep pretty quickly because you're woken up to a pressure on top of you. A weight practically pinning you to the bed.

"Donnie, what the fuck are you doing, get off me! Ar-are you smelling me right now? Stop being weird"

But he doesn't get off, you could move him off you easily if you tried but you're tired and memories of the shitty day and flooding back to you so you just can't find the energy.

"You just, ugh, you smell so good. What is that? It's not perfume. Oh god I could just eat you up right now" he voice is heavy with desire and it sparks something in you.

"It's not been the best day, baby. I just want to sleep"

He's burrowing his face into the crook of your neck and inhaling deeply, taking no notice of what you said, trailing little kisses over your collarbones and down your jaw. Your arms instinctively wrap around him and when he gently bite the skin of your neck you can't help but buck your hips up into him which only makes him moan.

"please" he starts to bed "I'll be so good for you, I'll be such a good boy. Just let me have this, I need to feel you right now. It's like you're made of magic, I can't take my hands off you. Please just let me, I need you right now. Oh god I need you so bad"

It's actually quite exciting seeing him this way, normally he only pleaded like that half way through sex but today something's made him desperate. You have no idea what it could be.

Oh fuck it you think to yourself and begin to pull down your jeans to which Donnie jumps off of you and kneels on the floor to assist you with. Once your lower half is completely bare, he gets to work.

Pressing his face in between your thighs to your most vulnerable spot he licks gentle circles around your clit, sucking and lapping at your folds in a way that makes your back arch.

"Holy fuck you taste as good as you smell" one hand still rubbing circles around your most delicate part.

You swear you're seeing stars, the whole room begins to go blurry. Donnie was always good with his tongue. You place on hand on the back of his head and pull him closer into you, bucking your hips up as if to scream "More! Harder!" And maybe you did because Donnie increases his pace, placing a finger inside of you and working your g-spot as well as your clit.

You're almost certain that his brothers are home and can hear you right now but you don't care, you're trembling moans get louder and louder. You can hear Donnie from between your thighs, enjoying himself a little too much. The occasional "Fuck" and "Oh god, you taste so good" coming in between him lapping at your pussy. The wet sounds filling the room that his mouth is making against the wetness of you is sinful but it drives you closer to your release.

With almost a scream you cum and Donnie rears his head, looking you in the eyes with so much desire it's palpable.

"Oh fuck" you're breathless now "I really think I needed that"

"Oh" Donnie starts to unbuckle his belt "We're only just getting started"

[glittery-phantom]

I am actually so ashamed of myself guys I'm gonna stay off ana-blr for a while and stop responding to people except maybe some ana coaches I'm sorry in advance today has just royally sucked ass how dare I go on ana-blr and then have the AUDACITY

To eat the way I have today literally earlier I may have overreacted honestly because perhaps I didn't actually binge a 1000 calories like I thought I did? I was still so exhausted, I couldn't completely think straight, my vision was still giving me problems and I wanted to pass out, i was still hungry, BUT NOW?

Ugh I fucking made it worse I was advised to eat like a small snack in 18 hours and then try to fast for 26 - 28 hours and I couldn't even make it to the 18 mark I only made it to 16 hours which is 2 hours before my goal and there's literally NO snacks here you wanna know what was here though?! Fucking taco bell! My stupid dumbaas friend got I hate that shit but for some reason I went like "eh it's okay if I eat some of it I'll just purg3 it plus I've already fucked up today why not? AAANNDD literally I kinda did a good job technically it's 2 hours until I gotta eat anyways so whatever"

And what did I fucking do?! Did I wait the 2 hours and eat a snack and then misuse cough syrup to black out like I should've? Did I say yes to ana and NO to food? Haha well you'd be surprised to find out that

NO THE FUCK I DIDN'T!

MY FUCKING FATASS PROBABLY ATE LIKE A 1000 CALORIES IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT IF I HADN'T OF "binged" EARLIER!!

now I have to spend maybe 3 - 4 hours puk3ing everything up! Alongside hating myself, water fasting, and exercising, GOSH DAMNIT! I wish I could rewind this day or maybe died in my sleep before I ate something because DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T EAT!

Somebody fucking shoot me istg put a gun up to the back of my skull and threaten to blow my brains out if I eat one more damn calorie!

I'd just like to take a moment before I end this post and give a personal FUCK YOU! to all the culprits I hold responsible in me eating like a slob today ahem so here we go then

B1ng3 eating d1sord3r you have been nothing but a pain in my ass and I just wanna say FUCK YOU! I'll be dammed if I continue to let you ruin my life, my body, and my mind, If you was a physical entity I'd tell you to jump off a bridge and die but YOUR. NOT!!!

Ahem bul1m14 you have been very helpful in me chasing the relief and Euphoria from horrible decisions I have made throughout my life during b1ing3ing however you have also served as a safety net making me feel too comfortable making bad decisions and for that FUCK YOU! but thank you for the Euphoria pookie ily

My friend buying taco bell ahem listen darling thank you and all but I was TRYING to create a severe calorie deficit why would you buy FAST FOOD?! IT'S SO HIGH IN CALORIES I CAN'T EVEN COUNT IT! ugh fuck you man what do you have against me being skinny and pretty?!

Restriction and Fasting listen y'all you have all been like so helpful in many ways but you also make me so sick and hungry and for that I hold you responsible for me eating like a pig for that FUCK YOU! But also like thank you darlings fr

A lack of healthy snacks in this house is also to blame so FUCK THAT!

and lastly we move to the mastermind behind this entire terrible day the one truly responsible for sabotaging me who deserves the biggest "fuck you" of them all and that person is?

MYSELF! HOW DARE YOU NOT ADHERE TO YOUR STRICT ANA D13T HOW DARE YOU SABOTAGE THIS ENTIRE DAY WITH YOUR EXCESSIVE CRAVINGS AND LIES

FUUUCCCCKKK MEEEE!!!!!

[legendofmorons]

Land sick (Wind)

Pairing: Wind x reader (Pre-relationship)

Rating: G

Summary: Wind is sick of land, he just wants the open sea. You do your best to help him.

Genre: Mutual pining, fluff

Other: Like always anytime a wind piece is romantic the reader is the same age as him (Think 14/15)

(I've had the worst headache this week. And I promise I'll check this for coherence when I can think better. I just wanted to get this out.)

-------

You are the last one awake besides Time, the older man on watch. You just can't sleep.

Wind had spent all of dinner telling you about the sea, his adventures on it, how it was to sail.

It was obvious from his stories just how much he missed the sea. How much he is sick of solid land.

Well-... You're in Wild's Hyrule. There is no sea- but there are bodies of water. Maybe he'd like to go out on a raft?

You'll have to take him out then, it'd do him good.

As you settle in for the night you glance around one last time, finding Wild and Wind sprawled across eachother.

Time nods to you when you look his way.

You just smile softly before closing your eyes and falling asleep.

You wake up to the smell of breakfast, and to Wind trying to shake you to death.

"Wake up!" Wind crows out with a light as you try to swat at his shoulder weakly.

"Stop yelling in my ear." You grunble, pushing to sit up,

He just grins impishly at you before he runs towards Time.

Ugh- why did you like the little bugger anyways?

You get out of bed, pulling on all the rest of your clothes before turning to find Wild indeed plating breakfast.

You stretch your arms up before packing your bed roll back up.

It's quiet for the moment, the others all tired or getting something.

You turn towards Twilight, "Hey, I wanna take Wind out on a raft today. I think it'd be good for him."

Twilight turns to you, tilting his head. But he isn't really in charge so he just sighs, "Let time know before you leave."

"I will!"

"And do not let him do something wreckless." Twilight adds evenly.

"I would never," You say, with faux innocence.

Twilight just raises one brow, obviously not believing you one bit.

"Just go eat." He say with a sigh.

You grin at him before going to get some food. The others are becoming more lovely as the wake up and or return.

You sit on one of the logs with your food, eyeing the dying flames with appreciation for the warmth they gave and the beauty they are.

Others settle around you.

And you just start eating, happy in the moment.

The others talk as you start going over a list of preparations in your head. You aren't sure what they're talking about, but it sounds playful.

You just stay there until most of your group has finished eating.

You turn to find Time, standing before going to walk over.

"Hey, I wanted to take Wind on a raft ride." You say evenly, trying not to sound too excitied.

Time looks at you with a neutral expression but he nods. He gives a soft smile as he says, "Just be careful. And be back by dinner."

"Thank you so much!" You beam at the older man. "You're the best!"

"Just don't go too far." He says with a find sigh.

"Alright!" You say, turning towards wind, "Wind! Come on we're going somewhere fun!"

Wind turns, looking delighted as he grabs his things.

"And don't fight something alone if it's too much." Time says, "I know you both can fight, but be smart."

"We will be!" You say quickly, "I promose."

Time dosen’t look all that convinced but he let's you go.

You go to Wind, grabbing his hand with a smile and leading him away.

The group forgotten as you head towards the fishing village nearby.

Wind's hand is calloused and warm in your own, his laughter as you lead him along is infectious.

He follows, squeezing your hand as you pass the border of camp.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see." You say with a laugh, all too excited to give him the water.

You walk, hand in hand for about half an hour before you see the village. Palm trees arc up above the buildings and sand is vast across the beach.

You lead him into it, finding the market and watching crabs make their way by.

"Is this- a fishing village?" He asks, sounding suprised.

"Yeah. Why?"

"The coast- it looks like my home." He says with what sounds like awe.

"Oh- I heard about it and thought you'd like to see the ocean?"

He turns to you, looking awestruck and maybe blushing a little. "You are so awesome for this, (Y/n). I could kiss you."

You laugh, trying not to admit you're not opposed. "Come on let's see if they'll lend us a raft."

Wind pulls you towards the raft by the hand, already asking if he can borrow it for a bit. His face is absolutely lit up as his sun made freckles stand against his cheeks.

You are both given a raft to borrow and a korok leaf before being sent on your merry way.

You let him move the raft away from shore, watching as he laughs the whole time. He seems so much happier just being on the water.

He seems genuinely thrilled. And he's ridiculously good woth the raft itself.

"We should grab some fish while we're here."

"I was thinking the same thing."

You both grin, elated.

[whysamwhy123]

Since I'm back after a little unplanned hiatus, time to blab about another dumb idea I had for an AU that I'll never write! So! For some reason, a while back, I decided I really wanted to come up with a trashy reality show AU for Max Squared, where MJF decides to exploit Caster's immediate, intense love for him by starting up a little showmance. Max wants to manipulate the editing of the show as well as the game itself to make sure that he wins and/or becomes the breakout star of the season. So when Caster falls head over heels for him on Day One, he's presented with the perfect opportunity.

Initially, I was thinking the show would be a Survivor type deal, a bunch of people on a desert island or something, voting each other off, so Max's game is stringing Caster along so that he won't ever vote against him and he always has an ally help him vote out whoever he considers his biggest competition. But then I started to think it might be funnier if it was an American Idol style singing competition. It kinda fits, right? Both MJF and Caster are musically inclined, after all. And it changes the logic behind Max's plan - he wants to manipulate the editing of the show, make himself seem like a nice, endearing guy so the public will vote to keep him in the show, and ensure he gets a lot more screen time than the the other contestants. And what better way to do than pretending to be falling in love with this weirdo who's obsessed with you? A heart-warming queer romance on a show where only one of them can win? That's some good trash TV there, right?

MJF insists to Caster that it's all an act on his part. He's only pretending to be in love with him for the show, to tug on the heartstrings of all the stupid fans out there who think this shit is anything close to real. A ploy to make himself seem like the perfect charming, irresistible hero he needs to be in order to win this damn thing. And Caster's just like ''Whatever you say, sweetie,'' because he knows before Max does.

Maybe after a certain point, Max figures, hey, there's no harm in sleeping with the guy. It doesn't mean anything - Caster's so willing, so he may as well get laid. Of course, Caster thinks this is a sign that he really does have feelings for him, no matter how many times MJF tells him that it's not because he's actually attracted to him. No, it's just a ''power thing''.

He's only pretending, right? Caster's a fucking loser, a pawn in Max's grand master plan to emerge victorious. There's no way he could end up actually developing feelings for him over the course of the show, right? It's all for the show, it's fake, it's not real! There's simply no way he could...

Also, I'd want there to be a point where one night, Caster straight-up begs Max to let him eat his ass. And MJF's like ''Ugh, no way! That's disgusting! You're insane! You're a fucking weirdo! You're gross! You're...you'd do that for me?'' and of course, Caster tells him he'd do anything for him. And Max finds he can't resist anymore. So he lets Caster do it and he makes sure he doesn't regret it. Max's probably so loud during it that it pisses off the other contestants and the crew members who can hear it through the walls because Max simply cannot keep quiet like he usually can.

[vodka-glrl]

Sean's story voice-lines ᰔ

@nogenderbee

Hello:

So you're the oh-so mighty traveler everyone keeps talking about... No I'm not judging you or anything! Just thought you would look different... If you get what I mean. Anyways I'm Sean it's... Nice to meet you I guess.

Morning:

Oh good morning. I wasn't expecting to see you up in the mountains so early in the morning...

Afternoon:

Hey traveler! I'm going to Seirai Island to get some Naku Weed care to join me?

Evening:

Oh, it's you again... No no! It's not that I don't want to see you specifically I just like being alone but that can't be helped I guess... Well since you came all the way here why not have dinner with me?

Night:

It's night already... You should leave before it gets even darker... It was fun spending time with you... I guess

When it rains:

Shit it's raining! Now I can't even use my vision. Huh, why? Because all it's going to do now is electrocute me...

When the sun is out:

Ahh that's much better. Come on let's get going before it starts to rain again!

About Sean (family):

"What happened to my family"? I lost my mom due to an illness and my dad... I'd rather not talk about it.

About Sean (Isolation):

I... Don't like people... I don't like crowds... I don't like socializing...

About us (Acquaintances):

Huh? You want to know how I view you?... You're a great friend I guess.

About us (Traveling partners):

*friendship level 6*

I see you as a great friend and a traveling partner no-nothing else! Don't get the wrong idea.

About Visions:

*friendship level 4*

My vision isn't something I'm proud of... But it's something I should hold close to myself.

About Raiden Shogun:

*friendship level 6*

Her ways of doing stuff is rather... Interesting. As someone who also wishes I could be with my loved ones for all eternity her excellency show her desire of eternity in a rather inhumane way so to say.

About Shumatsuban Sayu:

*friendship level 6*

She is an... interesting child. She claims she is a ninja but slacks off quite often. I once found her sleeping around the shrine, I tried to wake her up but she didn't even move an inch... Weird...

About Thoma

*friendship level 6*

Oh... The butler of the Kamisato estate? I don't really know much about him other than he is much more friendly than I like... It really bothers me how kind he is...

About Sangonomia Kokomi:

*friendship level 6*

I've known lady kokomi for a long time... We weren't acquainted or anything we just grew up in similar environments... Maybe if I didn't make some drastic choices I would have gotten to know her more.

About Yae Miko

*friendship level 6*

Ugh! Why bring her up all of a sudden? If I told you Thoma was bad she is ten times worse. She is such a nuance... Can we...not talk about her?

About Shikanoin Heizou

*friendship level 6*

That scoundrel of a detective is so persistent of me opening up to him... Ughh! As if me disappearing before his very eyes isn't a way of saying I'm not interested.

About Naganohara Yoimiya:

*friendship level 6*

Oh the firework girl right, I've seen her a few time... She is nice. She invites me to go watch the fireworks. She's always cheery and energetic... Cute...

About Arataki Itto:

*friendship level 6*

There are only two things that irratate me in life: one crowds, two Itto how could anyone be so stupid and loud a t the same time... Beats me...

About Derreth (@nogenderbee 's Oc):

*friendship level 6*

If I remember correctly she was Heizou's partner was she not? She isn't as annoying as him. Strange enough I can consider her a friend as well.

About Gorou:

*friendship level 6*

Gorou is like a younger brother to me... We obviously have our differences but we manage to put them all aside.

Favorite food:

I'll eat anything. I was never a picky eater, still am not I mean not like I have a choice not to eat what I can find up here In the mountains.

Least favorite food:

Remember what I said about not being a picky eater... Just throw that out the window when it comes to mushrooms. I would rather die than put a single bite of mushrooms in my mouth

Receiving gifts 1:

Oh my... This is better than anything I've ever tasted! You're a really great cook.

Receiving gifts 2:

It's okay... I guess

Receiving gifts 3:

Ughh, thanks I'm not hungry!

[hulijingemperor2]

~~ a few nights back~~

Yanli: *snuggling* Zixuan.

Zixuan: *kisses* A-li.

Yanli: Ruhua is asleep.

(Ruhua is Xuanli's 1 month old baby)

Zixuan: excellent. *caresses her face* so what's up.

Yanli: oh you know what's up.

Zixuan: *blush*

You're really flirty tonight. Why? Are you jealous of Jiang cheng?

Yanli: no! Now come on, peacock. Say something naughty.

Zixuan: *flushed* uhhhh.......I don't know how.

Yanli: you got no rizz. Where's your rizz?

Zixuan: wait A-li. I won't disappoint. Ehem.

I, I like the taste of your lips.

Yanli: *giggles* ah, at least you tried.

Zixuan: did it impress you?

Yanli: of course it did. You're really cute.

*kisses*

Zixuan: wait a sec.

*pours some special tea*

Yanli: you can't leave the tea alone, Mr Emperor?

Zixuan: A-li it's not ordinary tea. I got it from a friend.

Yanli: (teasing) you have friends?.....I mean *laughing* from which friend?

Zixuan: Gongyi xiao. From the prosperous Huan Hua sect.

Yanli: ohhh. The one who looks like A-ling.

Zixuan: right!

He said that the tea would act as an aphrodisiac.

Yanli: what does this teen know about that?!!! I'm concerned.

Zixuan: maybe his elders told him.

He said that if I drink it and the fem energy is higher than the male energy then I can become pregnant.

Yanli: ahhhh.

Zixuan: wait wait, hold your horses. My energy is higher than yours.

Yanli: how are you so sure?

Zixuan: because I'm a cultivator and emperor. And you're my wife.

Yanli: *rolls eyes* that's your explanation?

Zixuan: yea?

Was it good?

Yanli: and you wonder why you get punched in the face.

Zixuan: A-li.

Yanli: quickly drink your concoction so we can continue.

Zixuan: right! *gulps it down*

Zixuan: *peacock feathers opens*

Yanli: WAWW!!! Come to Yanyan, you hot emperor!

Zixuan: of course. *winks*

Yanli: *blushing*

Zixuan: *pulls her into a desired papapa*

~~~

Recently~

In the morning.

Attendants: good morning, Huangdi.

Zixuan: *sigh* morning.

Jintang: what would you like for breakfast, huangdi?

Zixuan: the chefs haven't made it yet?! How dare they!!

Jintang: but Huangdi that's your order. You told us to ask you what you want to eat. And while they prepare it, you would lay in bed and relax.

Zixuan: ugh! You're right. Where's that Nie!

Jintang: maybe still sleeping, Huangdi.

Zixuan: how dare he sleep without my permission.

That's it! I'm selling him to team dimple.

Jintang: Huangdi. Forgive me for asking, but are you in a good mood today?

Zixuan: do I look like I'm in a good mood. I feel nauseous and gasy.

Jintang: oh my.

I'll get a physician right away.

But what would you like to eat?

Zixuan: the spiciest food item you can find. It better be spicy.

Jintang: I'll tell the chefs. And get the physicians.

Yanli: *coming in, with little Ruhua in her arms (they went on a walk)* what happened Zixuan?

Zixuan: A-Li Huaisang and my servants want to kill me.

Yanli: oh no.

Zixuan: but for some reason I feel cranky.

Huaisang: *entering* Huangdi, Huanghou.

Your tea.

Zixuan: *death stare*

Huaisang: *gulps* may I have permission to speak to you.

Zixuan: why are you asking? I heard your voice already.

Now why did you wake up late? Are you the emperor? Should I come and give you some tea~ Huangdi? Soon I will, ok. Just relax.

Do you want me to do a dance too. *wiggles* I'm I attractive?

Yanli: A-Xuan that's too savage.

Zixuan: so.

Huaisang: I'm sorry ok. I had to sweep the steps of jinlintai yesterday.

Zixuan: that has nothing to do with me. Anyways thanks for the tea.

Huaisang: and thank you for not selling me to team dimple.

Zixuan: I was this close! 👌 to selling your crusty behind.

Huaisang: (someone help)

Got to go start my chores.

Zixuan: you better.

You're already late.

~

Physician: greetings Huangdi.

How are you feeling.

Zixuan: nauseous, moody, and I feel like I'm allergic to ugly people.

Physician: ahaha. Let me give you a check up.

Zixuan: thanks.

You won't use needles right?

Physician: no Huangdi.

Yanli: *laughing*

Zixuan: A-li, don't laugh at me. *sobs*

Physician: *bows* congratulations Huangdi and Huanghou you're pregnant!!

Zixuan: Yanli?!!

Yanli: Zixuan?!!

Zixuan: you're pregnant again?

Yanli: no.

Zixuan: are you sure?!

Yanli: I would know if I'm pregnant Zixuan.

Zixuan: so what? I should know if I'm pregnant too?

Yanli: well that's expected.

Both: who's pregnant?!

Physician: Huangdi is.

And I think you might be having twins.

Zixuan: *screaming*

Yanli: awww.

Zixuan: *sniffles* A-li, what about my bikini body? My abs?!

Yanli: Xuanxuan, you'll be fine!

Zixuan: so I won't turn into a shriveled up prune?

The only prune I know is Jiang cheng. No offense. *cries*

Yanli: *trying to hold in her laughter*

Zixuan: speaking of Jiang cheng, where is he?! The audacity of abandoning me in such a time. It's not good for the babies.

Jintang: should I call him, your majesty?

Zixuan: no. Let him stay there. I'm upset with him.

Yanli: how is he supposed to know that you're pregnant, Xuanxuan?

Zixuan: instincts I guess. We have a good chemistry.

*dramatically* he certainly doesn't love his emperor.

Yanli: Xuan how to handle you.

~~

Jing Manor 📍.

Mo xuanyu: *filing A-Yao's nails* Yao gege, do you know A-Qing and our Song'er like each other.

Yao: aww yes I do. Well only on Song'er's side.

Xue yang: lol Jiggy you knew already?!

Yao: yea, cuz he's my son. He tells me everything.

Xue yang: is this a plan to control the Jianghu. You two think that you can seduce everyone with your dimples.

Yao: *laughs* and it happened?

Xue yang: you're right.

Su she: Huangdi and Dianxia can't stop being gorgeous. It's a fact.

Mo xuanyu: I know right. Yao gege, tell Song'er that A-Qing likes him back.

Yao: no no. I don't want to interfere in anything.

Let everything fall into place naturally.

Mo xuanyu: mn, ok Yao gege.

Su she: they'll make an adorable couple.

I'm rooting for them.

Mo xuanyu: same. I love young love. It reminds me of my crush on Yao gege.

Xue yang: I know right.

Yao: and fortunately A-qing will get a very high status, being A-Song's gf.

Su she: ah, beautiful.

Well we have to teach her about the art of simping.

Xue yang: and some manners too.

Yao: lol that's not necessary. She's really decent and well mannered.

Mo xuanyu: we'll give her the team D touch up, Yao gege. Don't worry.

We work miracles.

Like look at Xichen. We're still working on him, but he's still presentable.

Su she: I don't think he can meet team dimple's standards.

Yao: what do you want him to do? *laughing* poor Huan.

Su she: to be eaten by xue yang's fierce corpses.

Mo xuanyu: maybe buy you a country.

Xue yang: to stop stressing out team D.

Yao: lol.

Xiying: *entering* your majesty.

Xuan Huangdi wants you to come check him.

Yao: ohh. Must be urgent.

I'll be there.

~~

Peacock empire 📍

Yao and team d: *entering*

Attendants: greetings Hulijing Huangdi.

Jinling: xiao shushu!!! *hugs*

Yao: A-ling! My sweetheart. *kisses his forehead*

Jinling: did you bring anything for me, Xiao shushu?

Yao: of course. Here's 400 taels. Spend it wisely..

Jinling: you're the best!

Jinling: Mo shushu!

Mo xuanyu: A-ling! Of course I have something for you too.

Here you go.

Xue yang: this kid is uncle hopping.

Yao: as he should.

Jinling: those are MY uncles! It has nothing to do with you.

Yao: *strokes head* A-ling, don't quarrel.

Darling how's your A-Die?

Jinling: sometimes I don't know whats wrong with A-Die. Jiujiu says that A-Die is a diva.

Xue yang: that's right.

Su she: yea. Just like A-Yao.

Jintang: hulijing Huangdi, thank goodness you're here. I'll escort you to Huangdi.

Yao: sure.

Now what's wrong with him?

Jintang: he.....he's pregnant. With twins.

Yao: WHAT?!!!

Jinling: *almost collapses*

Su she: how?!!!

Mo xuanyu: awwwww.

Xue yang: Yanli got him pregnant. Ahahahahahahaha.

Huaisang: *entering, with something written on his forehead*

*crying* San geeeeee. Save me from that monstrosity.

Mo xuanyu: Yao gege isn't a miracle worker. He can't save you from yourself

Su she: *laughing* xuanyu, that's rude.

Xue yang: *reading what's on Huaisang's forehead* STOP COMPLAINING.

Lol.

Yao: who did that to you?

Huaisang: Sang ge!!! Zixuan asked me to change his curtains in one of the sitting areas, and I said I did it two months ago. Why do i have to do it again.

Then he *cries* asked his attendants to do this to meeeeee.

Mo xuanyu: dude, you shouldn't chat back to your boss.

Yao: ohhhh poor you. Huaisang, please don't cause any trouble.

Huaisang: one time I sneezed in his presence and he sent me into quarantine *sobs*

Xue yang: because he can't afford to get sick. Especially when he's pregnant.

Yao: right.

Huaisang: Sang ge. I miss you.

Mo xuanyu: and team dimple?

Huaisang: no!

Yao: aww. But I like to see you work for Zish.

Huaisang: it's a nightmare.

~~

Yao: *entering* Zishie.

Zixuan: *outstretched arms* Foxy.

Yao: *hugs*

Zixuan: you got the news right?

Yao: yea Zishie. And congratulations.

Zixuan: thanks. Keep hugging me.

Yao: I'm holding you.

Zixuan: A-Yao what to do?

Where to push them out.

Xue yang: through your Zishussy.

I mean...your royal Zishussy

Su she: *containing his laugh*

Zixuan: *terrified* m...my what?

Mo xuanyu: yangyang, don't scare him.

Zixuan: Yaoyao, will I still look fab?

Yao: of course. You're forever glamorous.

Zixuan: aww! *sobs* you make me so happy!

I want you to help me with the children ok?

Cuz you're an amazing uncle.

Yao: Zishie, of course I'll help you.

Lemme order some tea for you.

Someone, get him some green tea.

Zixuan: with a dash of lime. I want something sour.

Yao: ahah, sure.

With a dash lime please.

Jintang: yes, right away, Hulijing Huangdi.

Zixuan: A-Yao can you believe Jiang cheng.

He left his pregnant emperor husband

Yao: oh poor thing.

Su she: ugh, what do Jiang cheng do all day.

Mo xuanyu: my emperor brothers need him and he's nowhere to be seen.

Xue yang: should I kidnap him?

Zixuan: no. I don't want to see his face.

Yao: it's not good for the baby.

Zixuan: babies.

Yao: babies.

Zixuan: Foxy, can I hug you as a fox?

Yao: sure. *turns into a fox*

Zixuan: *snuggles*

Ah and thank you team dimple for supporting me as well.

Mo xuanyu: anytime Xuan gege!!

Su she: cuz you like my Huangdi.

Xue yang: do you need a hitman, peacock?

Zixuan: haha no.

Zixuan: *looking down at foxyao in his arms* Foxy, how's Song'er and his crush?

Yao: he's great! And I see sparks flying.

Zixuan: awww.

Jintang: here's your sour tea, Huangdi.

Zixuan: thank you. And don't make it sound like that.

Jintang: alright alright. Where's the hulijing Huangdi?

Zixuan: *shows him foxyao in his arms.

Jintang: ohhhh. How cute.

Yao: put me down, I want to turn back to my human form.

Zixuan: sure.

Yao: *turns back* Zish, I returned Zixun to Jinlintai, but under house arrest.

Zixuan: why? Isn't he your prisoner.

Yao: yea, and Song'er suggested that he work as well, like get firewood and other minor things

But I realised that his associates wanted to break him out.

Zixuan: the guy has associates?

Xue yang: but I killed them. Hehe.

Yao: they were sent by Madam Jin.

Zixuan: ooo, that makes sense. Why does A-niang want to release a criminal. Anyways.

Yao: I sent him back because Song'er was feeling unwell. And I didn't want a war or some kind of attack to happen.

Zixuan: that's smart. Protect Song'er and your empire ok.

Yao: mhm.

Zixuan: now A-Yao, tell me who would these children resemble?

Me, A-li or Jiang cheng?

Yao: obviously a mixture of you and Yanli.

But how did Jiang cheng get there? *laughing*

Zixuan: the Jiang genes, A-Yao. The Jiang genes are strong.

Jinling acts a lot like Jiang cheng.

And my little Ruhua looks a lot like me, but has A-li's eyes.

Yao: aww.

Yanli: *entering* speaking of Ruhua. Here she is!

Zixuan: aww. Huahua! *holds her* my baby Gongzhu. *kisses*

Yao: she's so adorable.

Zixuan: Huahua, your uncle Foxy says that you're adorable.

Ruhua: *smile*

Zixuan: *hands her to A-Yao* go to your uncle Foxy.

Yao: *holds her in his arms* Huahua. Baby. Little Gongzhu.

You'll be quite spoilt, won't you. *kisses*

Zixuan: so precious.

Yao: would you spend out all your A-Die's money?

Huh? Don't worry. Your uncle Yao will spoil you.

Ruhua: *takes his hat strings and puts in her mouth.*

Yao: oh Huahua, you want to eat my hat?

Yanli: *giggling*

Zixuan: awwww.

Our Huahua will certainly be spoilt.

Yao: definitely.

Zixuan: I think I have sort of a competition. A-li makes some beautiful children.

Yao: hmm.

Yanli: how are you feeling Xuanxuan?

Zixuan: a bit sleepy. But I'm fine.

Yanli: ohh. You should take a rest then.

Yao: right. *strokes Zixuan's forehead* take some rest.

I got to go.

Zixuan: bye Yaoyao.

Yao: and have some of your sour tea.

Zixuan: of course!

Sometimes, Yaoyao, I feel that you're the older brother.

Yao: because you need supervision at all times, baby Zixuan.

Zixuan: *gasps* Yaoyao. I'm not a baby.

You're the baby.

Keeps getting lost.

Yao: when did I get lost. *laughing*

Zixuan: I don't know, but you look like you get lost easily. And dimples attract kidnappers.

Yao: lol.

Do you think team dimple will let that happen.

[2015project]

January 4, 2015.

Ugh. It's so hot today! Mum woke me up to ask if I wanted to join her on her walk at 9:30am. I declined and went back to sleep. Then I woke up to discover that Dad and Lauren had already been on a walk. We then went to put up the dartboard, but instead of mounting it to the wall like any normal person would, he made this weird wooden pedestal thing to put it on instead. That was incredibly unstable, so it came back down rather quickly. We then put my picture frame together (or at least we tried.) It didn't work, because Dad only used corner reinforcers rather than glue. We reconsidered, and now it's out in the theatre room with the glue drying. The dartboard then went up on the wall and we had a game. Lauren almost caught me writing just then, I think I've lost the advantage of her thinking that it's an electronic diary. We're going to the city tomorrow to go shopping, so I need to find something to wear. Then I think I'll go back to reading Fangirl. It's an insanely good book!

I took Charlotte for a walk today, and when I went through the bush, I saw that the litterers have been back. The tree branch which I placed across the track was not only removed, but broken in half. These people are obviously not to be messed with. Next time I'm alone, I think I'll call up the council and report these assholes for what they're doing to the bush. Hopefully I'll have enough phone credit to do so.

We had chicken for dinner. They didn't tell me until afterwards, but it was apparently the VERY SAME CHICKEN as that shitty, plastic-tasting stuff we had last year! Only difference, it was cooked on the BBQ. You could have fooled me into thinking it was fresh!

Then however, Mum went and asked me how much I've been weighing lately. I told her the truth (47.1, although I made it rather vague and said 47 point something) and she went in about how she doesn't want me to become anorexic and blah blah blah. I'm not going to. She needs to understand that it's my fight, not here. She should worry about herself, and maybe Lauren, but I'm fine.cim on cloud nine (whatever that even is) compared to this time last year. I was 52 in 2013. I've come so far and I'm learning to be happy. But I still want to go further. It's just hard when there are skinny, sporty, dark-and-mysterious, funny, dirty-minded, experienced, not-single, perfect-haired people like Anna who have all the guys begging at their feet, including all the guys you like. Except one, but you've already blown your chances with him. But you can't even hate this person, let the anger out that way, because they're one of your best friends. You can't hate them, so the only person left to hate is yourself. And when you hate yourself, you hate the fact that you hate yourself. So you decide to change that. And to change that, you change yourself. You change yourself for the better. And Mum just needs to get it through her fucking brain that I'm not hurting myself. I'm helping myself. I'm giving myself a chance to rise up to their level, to win something occasionally. Like a game in P.E. Or someone's heart. Because my days of losing are over.

Now I've got that out of the way, on a side note, I've decided that I'm not going to take any electronic devices on the cruise. It'll be a time for good old-fashioned fun (and no, eating does NOT count as fun, with any luck I'll keep my diet.). And while we're there, this diary will live in the safe in the room, where Lauren can't find it.

Shopping in the city tomorrow. And that means Costco pizza. Yay. (note the heavy sarcasm). But it also (hopefully) means DFO. That's good.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Monday, December 30th, 2024!

8:15am: Just took like ten stressful minutes to unclog the toilet and I immediately had to poop again but it's fine now. Perfect timing 💀I really thought I broke that bitch

9:43am: lol rotting in bed. Nervous about my financial aid, kinda want to see how little I can spend in January and still have a wonderful time. More free things, more cheap house shows, more bringing your own food/ alcohol. Ugh so many goals lol we'll see what sticks. Had a peach seltzer thing today 45 cal. Don't even know why I'm counting cals bc I'm gonna blow it up with all the meat and cheese I'm eating 😅

10:36am: Rum punch with meat and potato bowl 😋😋😋😋 I want to watch a murder mystery but I really want it to be a good one lol or something scary I haven't seen before. Craving novelty ughh

Midnight: Lol I feel like a loser when I start to look at all the places I've never been to before here. I've done quite a few things, but not a lot of the nature stuff that is very available here. What can I say, I moved here for the city life and might end up staying for the nature vibes lol maybe I'm just getting old... Mid 20s is a weird time...

I really spent 7 hrs today basically just looking up shit to do.... Idk why it makes me feel like I wasted a day but like it's really hard to find things to do???? Why are events and places like hidden. Like they don't want people to know about shit or go anywhere or do anything. I don't understand. Literally probably won't even go to half of it but it's ok. Plus just the sinking feeling that I'm trying to avoid studying and shit like that.... Ugh I'm so over school like jesus christ who let me do this to myself. Ridiculous lol 🙃 it's fine, I'm fine, these holidays in the middle of the week are kicking my ass. Can't ever just have normal fucking days off. Seriously. Never. Only having time off when everything revolves around a holiday and everything is closed and everyone expects you to be somewhere doing something specific...... sucks... sorry for being a grinch but it's true. I just want normal days offffffff. Why why why is it so normal for me to not have a fucking schedule. This isn't good or healthy like wtffddd this isn't how adults live. People plan vacations, plan their routines, days off, fucking ugh. My life is too random and I'm just kinda done with this. I want to work a regular schedule so I can have a regular flow of energy. Ok it's like people binge eating when they don't have regular access to food except my body BINGE SLEEPS because I don't know when I'll be able to just rest again 💀😭 I have been stuck BINGE SLEEPING on my days off for a whole month now. My sleep schedule is fucked and I'm constantly tired :( but at the same time very well rested like I could do something if someone invited me somewhere for example. But my default now is like: OH HI, NOTHING URGENTLY REQUIRING ALL YOUR TIME FOCUS AND ENERGY?? GREAT, TIME TO SLEEP FOR 20 HOURS AND WASTE ALL YOUR FREE TIME!! Not even getting out of bed to eat or shower like my body has been in sleep starvation mode. Fuck me man. Welp.

I'm glad I wrote this down bc binge sleeping is exactly the right way to describe what I've been going through. And I guess this particular moment of panic/ feeling like I wasted the day, is equivalent to purging a binge, because I'm clearly fucking myself more for staying up until 2am just *because I slept all day*. Wowowwwwwww fuck I love journaling and I just solved my problem! Fuck I'm dumb and prone to self destructive behavior.

[valgregory]

Chapter 12

Aym: There's something here!

Vine: Uhh, Marc already said that just now!

???: Just in time... I was starting to get hungry...

Nero: I, the great Nero,

*whoosh*

Nero: Will devour all of you!!

*dun dun*

*flap flap*

Aym: What the heck...

Vine: That's it...?

Nero: Hey, wait!!

Nero: What is with your response?! Don't underestimate me!! I'll kill you all!!

Nero: Starting with that brat over there! Have a taste of my wrath!!

*tap*

*fling!*

*thud*

Nero: Agh!!

Nero: Dammit...

Vine: Hey doggy, is this the best you can do?

Marc: !

Aym: You sure you're a hellhound?

Marc: !!

Aym: Useless dog!

Vine: No wonder Aria can't find the guy she's after...

Aym: Go fix that nose of yours!

Vine: Seriously, you have zero talent in finding people...

Marc: I'm leaving.

Aym: Boo! You're no fun!! Loser!

Vine: So, what are we gonna do with this thing?

Val: Wh- what is this creature?

Dantalion: That's a hellhare.

*Hellhare: A rabbit from hell

Dantalion: You don't know what they are? We have lots of them in hell... they taste good, by the way.

Val: You can eat them?!

Vine: Should I just eat it? It doesn't look tasty, though...

Nero: Help me...

Val: *bling bling*

Val: Uh... can I have him?

Nero: Yay!

Vine: Hm? Sure, take this ugly furball. I'm not hungry, anyway...

*bop*

Nero: Who are you calling ugly furball, you disrespectful brat!! Watch your mouth!

Vine: Alright, problem solved! Now let's go home! (The guide ran off, anyway.)

[Vine didn't even want to search]

Val: What about Marc? Are we gonna leave him just like that?

Aym: Who cares. He'll go home sooner or later...

Vine: *pats Aym's head*

Aym: Don't touch me!!

Vine: Wagh!!

---

[cut to val walking home]

*tap tap*

*pyon*

*tap tap*

*pyon pyon*

Val: Why are you following me?! Go away!

Nero: I'm following you because you're a nice guy~

[A simple creature]

Val: Sure you want to stay with me? You want to follow me in there?

*glance*

*dun dun*

Nero: ??!!!

Nero: A church?! What are you doing here?!

Val: I live here.

Nero: You can't leave me alone out here!! Take me with you!

*hug*

Val: Argh, let go of my leg!!

---

Val: In the end, he followed me in here... I'm lucky no one saw him...

*knock knock*

Father Gregory: Val, are you in there?

Val: Woah, Father!!

[val grabs his blanket]

Val: Hey, get in here and hide! Hurry!

Nero: Why? Ordinary humans can't see me.

Val: Huh?! Whatever, just hide!!

Nero: No!

Father Gregory: Val? I'm coming in-

*creak*

Father Gregory: What are you doing?

*stunned*

Val: Uhh, night yoga...? I heard it's good for your health... haha...

Father Gregory: ...I see...

Father Gregory: Go to sleep when you're done, okay?

*blam*

Val: Ugh, that was close... (phew)

Nero: See? I told you ordinary humans can't see me~

Val: Oh, right... this creature is a demon...

Val: Maybe he knows something...

*pat pat*

Val: Hey... do you know who Mammon is?

Nero: What's that? Some kind of food??

Val: Never mind. Let's just go to sleep...

Nero: Okay~

Father Gregory: ...

---

Debtor: Stop!!

*slam*

Debtor: I promise I'll pay you back! Please don't kill me-

*whoosh*

???: Sigh...

???: Don't get a loan if you can't pay it back...

[??? starts his playlist]

???: You stupid human.

*tap tap*

---

[cut to vine and aym walking home]

Aym: Hey, is it okay to leave Dantalion?

Vine: It's fine. He said he had business, right?

Dantalion: You two can go on ahead... I need to look into something...

Aym: What kind of business does he have? I mean, all he does is read books.

Vine: *yawn* Who knows...

Vine: Forget about him... let's go babe hunting at the city~ (it's usually pretty crowded at night)

*tap*

Aym: Go what hunting?

*choke*

Aym: Is that all your brain can think of? Hah?!!

Vine: AAAAAAAA

[someone passes by]

Vine: Huh?

Vine: ...

Aym: What're you looking at? Are you dead already?

Vine: No, you idiot. That guy who just passed by... I think I've seen him somewhere...

---

Marc: I don't want to work with them again... they're so irritating...

*treng deng deng*

Marc: I should just go by myself next time...

???: (koka kola~ coca cola~)

*bump*

???: Hey, watch where you're going!! Damn it!

???: ?! Marc?!

Marc: Caim?!

[To be continued...]

*Caim's playlist, if anyone's curious:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeQg5DORlRggD4-m94sa749mzu285B-K3&si=Onyq1usnTsYGkceK

Previous chapter | Chapter 12 | Next chapter

[inpursuitofmeaning]

April 25th, 2024

today I learned how to say dinosaur 공룡. Hella hard. I also ordered some cool Adidas Sambas, which are objectively sick as fuck

On a less "sick as fuck" note, I saw an Instagram post that really fucked me up. I was doing well, and then all of a student single unhealed thing from the last 2 years was triggered. Let's pump the breaks and be my own big sister for a second. If we can't be sick as fuck, we can at least be as objective as fuck. 1. "I don't daydream of you anymore, but I think of you when I wash my dishes." 2. " Do you tell our story fondly?" - "You were never the villain in mine." 3. " I never wished you ill. I hope you find the peace I never was" (this one fucked me up the most) 4. "In another life, we learned to talk. I was unhurt, and you healed." So here I am, sitting on my bed at 12:16 in the morning, feeling stuffed full and minorly sick from stress-eating bread and cookies all day, and all I want to do is call him. Or text him. Or know if he still thinks of me, too.

But I can't do any of those things because he wanted this, and I must respect that. Sure, I could call him, but what's really the outcome of that? I must reground myself. Let's lay out a little play-by-play of how it will go.

I will call, and he might not pick up. Then I'll be super emerased and that will lead to a whole other string of questions. "Why didn't he pick up? What's he doing right now? Is it because he's asleep? Doesn't he want to talk? Playing hard to get? Is he enjoying this? Does he hate me? Oh god, this is embarrassing, Emily. Why did you call him, ugh, stop this, look at yourself..." and then I will cry myself to sleep. Woohoo. But, if he does pick up, he may say, "Hey, what's up?" And I'll say, "Not much, you? And he will say, "Not much, how are you?" and then I'll lie and say, "im good", and he will know im lying because if I wasn't, why would I be calling him? And we might talk, and I'll embarrass myself by saying a bunch of stuff promoted by that sad Instagram post at 1 in the morning, and then he will pity me, and say something like "it's okay, you're doing great", and then ill feel guilty for putting him in a situation where he comforts me despite his own pain, creating this power dynamic and yadda yadda yadda.

That's not what I want. Plus, I can not relinquish the single sliver of power and self-dignity I have left. I have no one but myself. I am all that I have. Just me. I don't really feel like I have any true friends because I don't think myself capable of having real friends while I hate myself as much as I do. Apparently, it isn't normal to wonder if your friends hate you all the time. Maybe i should start with loving myself, or rather, becoming a person I feel is worthy of love. I have come to realize that I really am not happy with who I am as a person.

And what would be the outcome of this phone call? What is the "best" situation? We get back together? And then what? Trapped back in this endless cycle - on and off, to either be together forever or inevitably break up again? Is that really what I want? To feel this pain all over again in a few months, years, decades? Thats it. There are only 2 ways relationships can end. You are together forever, or you break up. What the fuck is up with that. Why is life so short. The bliss of love and despair of loss - those are two pretty harsh extremes to experience in our few years on this earth.

Maybe I can become a monk and figure out what this "love" thing really is about. The only problem is I just don't look good in orange, and they don't drive Porsches. Let's put a pin in that one. I must re-ground. This is hard, but everyone goes through it. Things weren't perfect (although the negative memories seemed to elude me, annoyingly).

Anyways,

[casspurrjoybell-32]

All It Took Was One Look - Chapter 7

*Warning Adult Content*

Aiden

I was quiet at dinner the next night and mom was trying to get me to partake in the conversations but I wasn't feeling it.

I just wanted to be left alone.

Dad was giving me knowing sideways glances but I kept my eyes on my untouched food.

I couldn't get Liam's face out of my head, the hatred.

"Honey are you feeling okay?" my mom asked, placing her hand on my forehead.

"Mom," I whined moving my head out of her reach.

"I'm fine, okay?" I told her.

"Well you haven't even touched your food," she complained.

"I'm just not hungry," I said moving a pea with my fork.

I looked up to find everyone's eyes on me.

"What?" I asked irritated.

"Bro you never turn down food," Nash said frowning at me.

"Well I have a right not to be hungry. It's not against the law," I snapped.

"What crawled up your butt and died?" Connie asked smirking.

I scowled at her before picking up my plate and putting it in the fridge.

"Aiden," my mom said getting up from her seat, she gave me a serious look.

"Is this about those gay bashers?" she asked putting her hands on my shoulders.

"Oh my God, mom," I yelled stepping back from her.

"Are they still messing with you?" Nash demanded.

I closed my eyes taking deep breath.

"Nancy, Nash... leave my son alone," dad said stopping them from going any further.

My mom huffed before slouched back in her seat.

"He's my son too," she muttered with a pout.

Nash was biting his lip from saying anything while Connie was trying to keep from laughing.

"Thank you," I sighed as I walked out of the kitchen.

"And if anyone needs me. Don't bother," I said and then went upstairs.

I took a shower, put fresh boxers on and just snuggled up in bed, my head buried in my pillow, sighing in comfy pleasure when my cell-phone rang.

UGH.

Reaching behind me I didn't even look who called.

"Hello?" I muttered.

"Hey," Jeanine's voice screamed from the other line.

'Oh. My. God.'

"Seriously," I yelled back at her.

"Dang there's no need to scream," Jay complained.

I rolled my eyes,

"What?"

"What do you want?" I asked impatientlyy.

I just wanted to sleep.

"Well damn Mr Grouch, I just called to see if you wanted to go to the movies."

I groaned.

"Hell no."

I want my bed.

"What? Why not?" she whined.

"I don't know maybe because it's..." I looked over my shoulder to see the clock... it was blaring 9:47 in red.

"9:47 at NIGHT and night means PM, which means that its bed time not movie time... which means... I WANT TO GO TO BED," I said.

"Aww, come on we're going to watch The Howl."

Damn her.

She knows damn well I wanted to see that movie.

"You know you want to," she provoked.

"Why can't we see it tomorrow?" I asked her.

"Because I want to get out of the house. Come on Aiden... pleeeease," she was begging now?

"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please..."

"Fine," I caved like usual.

I heard her laugh excitedly.

"Yes. I'll be there in five."

"Whatever," I said and hung up.

I fell back on my bed.

Well bye my beautiful bed.

I got up, put some jeans on and my 'I wish I was in bed' t-shirt.

I snickered at it before grabbing my phone and marched down stairs. I was just about to reach the door before my mom's voice stopped me.

"Uh and where are you going?" she asked me crossing her arms.

Turning slowly I gave her a sheepish smile.

"Jayy and I are going to see The Howl."

"Oh well, have fun and eat some popcorn or something while you're at it since you didn't have dinner," she said and left.

I sighed in relief, that's mom for you.

I grabbed my jacket of the coat rack and heading outside and waited for Jay.

While I waited, I pulling my jacket closer to my body as I looked around.

It was a cold night... I could hear the wind howling loudly.

The tree leaves were swaying roughly as I stood on my front porch... I saw lights down the street which had to belong to Jeanine's Acura.

She pulled up at the curb and I ran to the passenger door and jumped in.

"Hey buddy," she said giving me a huge smile.

"Hi," I muttered buckling myself in.

"So are you ready for...The Howl?" she said mysteriously.

"Sure."

"Gosh you're such a killjoy," she whined putting the car in drive.

It was a quiet drive to the movies... we arrived in record time since she drives like a maniac on speed.

I bought the tickets and went to find our seats while Jay bought the snacks.

I sat there watching previews waiting for her to come back... slumping in my seat tapping my fingers on the arm rest, my eyes fix on the screen so when I saw Jay looking for me I waved her over.

When she moved toward me my breath caught in my throat and my eyes widened.

Liam was right behind her with his girlfriend attached to his arm.

Jay sat down handing me my popcorn and slushy... I tore my gaze away from the torturous sight.

Why did he have to be in this theater.

I mean he could have come at any time today to watch this damn movie.

Can a guy get a break.

Now on top of not wanting to come in the first place, I was exceedingly aware of him now.

The movie started but I couldn't for the life of me try and pay attention to it.

I snuck a quick peek behind me to find where they were, I know I'm being masochistic... sue me.

I found them in the very back of the theater snuggled up to one another.

Why can't that be me?

Ugh, I shook my head hard, 'bad thoughts, bad.'

Jeanine slapped my arm causing me to look at her.

She was wrinkling her face pointing to the screen.

I focused back on the movie the best I could.

To say the least those two hours were the worst of my life.

I was constantly fidgeting making Jeanie continue to hit my arm through the whole thing.

I think I have a giant bruise from it now.

Quickly I grabbed our trash and walked out like hell hounds were after me.

I heard Jay calling, hurrying after me but I just had to leave, like NOW.

I could feel him close behind but I refused to look.

I burst through the front door racing towards Jeanie's car.

I was only a few feet from the front door before someone pulled me back.

"Damn Aiden. Where the hell's the fire?" Jay asked winded.

I glanced at her before looking anxiously around to make sure he wasn't close but my luck wasn't with me this night.

His hazel eyes made contact with mine causing my heart to beat a mile a minute as I stared at his gorgeous face... his eyes were darkening with... desire?

I didn't get a chance to verify because miss model pulled at his sleeve making him break eye contact with me to look down at her.

I bit my lip in jealousy, ridiculous I know but I couldn't help who I crush on.

"Aiden," Jay's hand was waving in my face.

"What?"

"What? Well I don't know, first you ran like you were running for your life back there, then you space out like a creepo. What the hell's wrong with you today?" she asked frowning at me.

I shook my head trying to clear it so I could answer her straight.

"It's nothing... I told you I wanted to sleep but no you had to drag me out to the movies and now its midnight... I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep because of you. Thanks for that," I told her walking to the car.

For some reason I couldn't tell her I had a huge crush on Liam Parker.

"Whatever asshole," I heard her mutter as she got in the driver's seat.

When we were half way to my house she started asking if I liked the movie and commented on this and that.

I just nodded my head since I wasn't listening anyway.  

[frogsandfries]

Payyyeeeeedaaayyyyeeeeee! So I bought a couple cases of ensure, and I've been fucking around with Amazon, so I didn't get the mattress yet but I'm soooooo freaking excited to have a mattress--my own mattress! A decade into my adult life!

Okay, look, I have many good reasons to never have owned my own mattress: Living in shelters, motels, pre-furnished units, or sleeping on floors and couches, or living with people who already had a mattress that I was welcome to. Okay?

I try not to frame this shit entirely onto myself anymore. If you turned eighteen and your family was homeless, you wouldn't be having a very blazing start to adulthood yourself.

While that person was abusive, I'm grateful to have had some one person in my life, sooner than later, who laid the path in front of me for me to claim my own stability.

It was really tempting, with a big ole chunk of change in hand, to get everything--the office rug I wanted, plus the other cat bowl I need to get, the room divider that I need for my stupid job, pillows, some desperately needed pants (it's always pants wtf). But the cats will be fine eating off this tote; I'll survive without a rug. I just need a couple items; I need some money left for groceries as I get ideas throughout the next couple weeks for meals that I'd like. I can't go without internet, and I'm going to make another attempt at getting a desperately needed new phone either tomorrow or Saturday.

I'd eventually like a new cup with a lid, but I could probably get a decent one from the dollar store. It's gotta be a biiiig cup, because I often forget to fill it on my breaks and talking all day, with how arid it is where I live, and how hot the apartment can get later in the afternoon....... also, my water filtererer is like, twenty-some cups, apparently, and I swear I'm in the fridge constantly filling that thing. Hydration? Not an issue here, but it will be if I don't have anything to flavor my water with. Not sure how much longer I have left on this can of drink powder, since I don't remember when I got it, but can I drink something else besides just pink lemonade 😵‍💫🤢 Not if I blow all my money on apartment stuff.

Besides, I think I can always find something else to buy for the apartment: Silverware organizer, some kind of cat-proof barrier for the kitchen (my dummy boy got stuck behind the stove, and the pilot light constantly heats the whole cooktop, which is disturbing), storage for my bedroom, new bedding, storage cubes for my clothes, maybe eventually a rug for my bed, bookshelves, organizers for my creative workspace, a proper dish set that I won't really use by myself, to prove that I'm definitely an adult, more corkboards, more foamcore to mount the corkboards onto, more diamond paintings that I'll probably just never finish...... Maybe eventually a couch cover just to spice things up. A different chair for being not at work, maybe a laptop or computer so I can download entertainment. More dishes. I could always use like, more toilet paper, a new bath towel, hand soap, body soap, laundry soap, dish soap, cat litter--you can literally never have enough cat litter. Which reminds me, I also don't own a vacuum. That's going to take some real determination to get the one I want.

Ugh....... I've been thinking about a new office chair. Like, obsessively. While I want my desk to be higher, I want my chair just the slightest bit lower. At its lowest, in this chair, my feet do not comfortably touch the ground and my hips won't let me forget it. But...... there are soooooooooooo many options. How do I know if the chair I get will be lower than this one? How do I know if it will be comfortable enough? What if it's too hot? How do I know if it will be worth the money? What if I buy a knee-chair and I hate it? Do I just go straight for a gaming chair? Is that overkill?

Anyway, the point is, I'm obviously no minimalist. I can always think of more things to purchase to customize my living space, and coming from basically zero a decade in to my life as an adult, fully, legally and financially responsible for myself........I don't have a whole lot. This apartment doesn't have a whole lot of storage. My shit is mostly still packed up. I didn't have any intention of moving this year. The more I'm caused to move when I would rather not, the more I'm going to start digging my heels in. I would rather do anything than move next year, or in five years. Maybe by five years, I'll have the stomach for packing again. I have plenty of time, plenty of money, to invest into my home, my comfort, my existence. And I don't have to balance against anyone else, at least for a long, long time........ if ever...... I'm so awful at even just making friends...... sigh.

As for money for hobbies and such, it's probably fine for now. I really don't know what to do as far as coloring the graphic novel. I honestly need some kind of feedback, because this digital thing is not working. I've already made like ten sketchbooks, which is waaaaay overkill. I don't really have any other hobbies. I don't really have much time for any other hobbies.

I'm making really good progress on my linework just squeezing it in at work, don't tell the client 🤭

I'm seriously wondering if I could actually color better with colored pencils......

Anyway, I should probably go to bed...... tomorrow is Friday.

[finding-the-honey]

Today is not a recovery day. It's not even celebrate the small things kind of day. It's survive the day, and try not to stress about how far it feels like you've backslid. Or why.

My arms are useless. Muscle pain is high. I keep falling asleep, even though I actually went to bed at a semi-decent (for me) time, and slept in later than I have been.

Too much sleep? Not enough of the right kind? Maybe a push back against yesterday's carb binge?

Nothing tastes quite right, either.

For once it doesn't seem to be stress related, but I'll be fucked if I know wtf it is. I can't even really say it's from taking my meds later than usual, because I've been feeling off since I got up.

Ugh fuck I hate this. Fucking hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

And none of this helps.

The weirdest part is I've managed to write. For days I've been struggling to get my word count in, no inspiration at all and no fucks for even just faking it, but this morning, first thing, bam. Next thing I know I've got my word count for the day, and then some.

But even that can't temper my temper, can't make me less angry. I have shit I need to do. Shit I want to do. I'm fucking hungry and need something to fucking eat.

Maybe just ... start there. Find something to eat and see if that helps. Make a good cup of coffee, too, because fuck it. Find a fucking treat somewhere in this shit pile of a day.

[dragon-kazansky]

Masquerade with Mads Mikkelsen

Gender neutral reader

[Masterlist]

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Word count: 2.6k

Notes: Nothing to note.

♡♡♡

Chapter Three - Penny for your thoughts

You're not sure what time it was when you went to sleep. Really late. Yet, you had woken early. You really didn't feel all that well rested, but how could you sleep when all you could think about was Mads. He had been on your mind all night.

You had woken about an hour ago, laying in bed listening to the birds outside. They were up and ready to face their day. Yet, you were not. Your heart raced in your chest as you thought about breakfast. What would you say? What would you do? Would he let you sit with him? Would he leave?

You didn't want him to leave.

The goal for today was to get Mads to open up to you. You wanted to hear his thoughts from him. If he couldn't be open with you, then you knew this would go nowhere. Perhaps you'll suggest your thought to go move in with Lauren or Michael. Maybe you would keep that to yourself for a while longer.

You get up and get changed, needing to do something other than lay there. If you kept to your thoughts any longer, you may go insane. You try to read, but your mind can't focus on the words. You try to draw, but you can't. You pace back and forth, chest feeling heavy.

You're nervous. You shouldn't be, but you are. Maybe it's because you know you have feelings for him, but the reality is, he doesn't want you to. Was that his way of turning you down?

Ugh, you hated to think about it, but it's all you could think about.

A knock at your door has you standing still. Your eyes focus on the wood with worry. You knew this meant breakfast was ready. The voice on the other side belonged to Michael Caine.

"Breakfast has been prepared for you when you're ready."

You take a deep breath. As you approach the door, you hear him leave, on his way to continue his duties. You wait a moment before opening the door and leaving the sanctuary that is your room. This meant facing Mads head on. You lift your head a little higher and decided to just face the day.

You didn't want him to ignore you for the rest of your life.

With determination, you make your way up to the office. You're aware everyone else in the dining hall right now, having their own breakfasts. You do not falter as you in the other direction.

The door to the office is open a crack. You can't really see him through it, but you know he's in there.

Just as you raise your fist to knock, you stop as he speaks.

"Come in."

Your heart begins to race again. He knew you were outside. You begin to worry that he can hear your poor heart. Pushing open the door, you step inside, suddenly feeling nervous and shy. His eyes are on you as you close the door behind you.

Two breakfast sets are set out on his desk.

"It would appear I am to have company this morning," he says.

"Yes," you reply, not sure what else to say to that.

"Sit down then."

You lick your top lip nervously and slowly walk over to the empty chair opposite him. You sit down and find yourself not knowing where to look. Him, the food, the desk, the floor.

Mads seems calm and casual. He doesn't seem at all affected by your presence. If only you knew...

Mads regards you with calm composure, but on the inside his mind his running wild. Why were you here? How did this happen? He did not ask for company in his office, but he won't turn you away either. As much as he's trying to keep distance between you, he wants nothing more than to spend every second with you.

It's his own cruel punishment.

Awkwardly, you both tuck into your meals. The silence feels thick as you both sit there, eating. You want to look at him, but you can feel his eyes on you and it's making you far more nervous than you already were.

You notice the cane hanging off the side of the desk.

"Is the pain still bad?" You ask, eying it.

Mads follows your gaze and look at he stick.

"A little bit. I'll be find in time," he looks back up at you.

You look up and meet his gaze. Unable to look away, you commit their colour to memory.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"It's Ok," you tell him.

"No. It's not. I'm being rude."

You put your cutlery down and sit back in your chair, looking at him with big sad eyes. It tugs at his heartstrings.

"What did I do?" You ask.

"Nothing. The fault is mine."

"What did you do?"

"Something I shouldn't have. I'm not risking pulling you into that rabbit hole. I thought it better to keep you at a distance," he tells you.

"I miss your company," you say.

He falls silent for a moment, watching you quietly. It warms him to hear you say those words, but he's unsure what to do with them. He feels bad he's made your feel lonely, even if you do have plenty of company in the house.

"You do?"

"Yes. I miss our talks. I want to walk through the garden with you. I want to see you more. I want you to join us for dinner. I want to see your smile again. You invited me into your home, now my home, and you avoid me. I don't like it."

"I apologise immensely."

You sigh softly.

"Can't we spend time together? Are we not friends?" You ask, feeling it the safest option. You will not tell him just how deep your feelings go. You don't want to overwhelm him if he does not share those feelings.

Mads gives you a soft smile. The first you've seen since that night.

"Of course. Will you meet me in the garden this afternoon? There is something I want to discuss with you, if you'll let me."

You smile.

"Of course," you reply. "All I want to do is spend time with you. I miss you, Mads."

He smiles that same soft smile and says, "I miss you too."

No longer feeling tension in the air, you tuck back into the last of your breakfast. You're no longer feeling too shy to look at him. You share small smiles with him. Even when you're both done eating, you sit there and you chat and you laugh.

After about an hour, Mads tells you to get ready. You nod, taking leave of his office. Mads watches you go, a silly little smile on his lips as you go. Even when you're gone he is still smiling like a fool. He knows he was being silly by keeping his distance.

"I can do this," he tells himself. "I can pretend."

His eyes linger on the door and he almost wished you would come back in. Yet, he heard your footsteps fading down the hall. He could hear the skip in your step as you went. The idea that you're excited to spend time with him is enough to get him out of his office chair and go to his own room. He wasn't going to change his clothes to be more presentable for you.

You pass Oscar on your way back to your room.

"Where are you off to?" He asks, grinning at the smile on your face.

"To get changed. Mads and I going out into the garden," you say, trying to think of what to put on.

Oscar chuckles. "Is it a date?" He asks.

"What? No! Of course not. I finally got him to talk to me again. We're just going to walk and talk. There was something he wanted to tell me."

Oscar smiles, a peculiar look in his eyes.

"Right."

You narrow your gaze at him and then take your leave. You hear Oscar laughing as you go on your way. You have no idea what he found so funny. Though apparently you were easy to read. That thought made you a little anxious. Does everyone know?

Once changed, you check yourself over in your mirror, fretting slightly on if you look nice or not. It wasn't suppose to be a big deal if he liked your outfit or not. Yet, here you are, fussing over what you were going to wear. It took some time, but you finally deciding on an outfit you felt was good enough.

You made you way out into the garden.

Mads was already waiting outside. He was leaning against his cane as he looked out over the garden. You stop at the main entrance and admire him for a moment. You pretended your heart wasn't hammering away in your chest just from the sight of him alone. He had such power over you and didn't even know it.

I have to pretend. I'll be OK.

At least, that's what you keep telling yourself.

You work up the courage to step outside and make your way over to him. As you come up beside him, Mads turns his head and smiles at you. You return the smile.

"Ready?" He asks.

"Yes."

Mads offers you his arm. You hesitate for a moment. This is far more intimate than you were expecting this to be. You hope he didn't notice your slight panic as you take his arm, standing close to him. You have to remind yourself to breath as he leads you away from the house, going down the steps slowly.

"You look lovely, by the way."

God, he was going to make this so hard. Falling in love with this man is so easy when he's just so... himself. You glance up at him, but his eyes are focused on his steps. He is being careful about how he steps down, avoiding discomfort. You give his arm a little squeeze as you step down onto the gravel. He meets your gaze for a second. You both smile and look away.

Just be a gentleman, he tells himself. Do not fall in love.

It's too late, but he will still tell himself that.

Mads leads you into the gardens. They're a lot tidier now. Anson has begun to replant his flowers, and he's building a new bench to put here. A little fountain is running just to the side. You smile at the little small stone birds on it.

"You have birds on the library doors too," you say, recalling the intricate design on those doors.

Mads smiles.

"Yes. They have meaning in my family. It's part of what I want to talk to you about." He stops you both beside the fountain and you look at the birds in closer detail.

"What do they mean?"

"There is a bird for every member of my family. That includes everyone who was just here. They're as much my family as anyone else," he says, looking at the birds. You count the little birds. Thirteen, one for each of them, two more, his parents perhaps, and another little one.

"Who is that one? I count one too many."

Mads smiles as he looks at you, lifting a brow slightly as if to question you.

"Is it not obvious?"

You stare at him.

"Me?"

He laughs. That sound is beautiful. The way his face lights up as he laughs is a sight you missed.

"Of course it's you. It is perhaps my favourite little bird," he says, looking at it.

Be still my beating heart.

You watch him with soft eyes. Why does he have to say things like that?

"Come along," he leads you away from the fountain. You keep your gaze on the ground, trying so hard not to look at him. If you do, your heart might explode with all your feelings.

You remember this path he is taking you on. Your heart races for another reason now. The statue of his parents is this way. It was broken in the fight, of which he cannot be fixed, at least not by Anson's hands. You hadn't seen the damage yet.

As you get closer to the statue, you feel your heart break. Normally the stone faces of his parents would be looking at you from here, but they're gone. As you come to a stop at the base, you can see exactly where the statue was broken from. The top halves of them are completely gone. From the waist down, the statue remained. The plaque had been cleaned since Mads was here last.

"I'm so sorry, Mads."

He keeps his eyes on the plaque, but turns his head toward you slightly.

"What for?"

"It's damaged," you mutter.

"It is of no fault of yours. It was a sacrifice made to keep you safe," he says.

"Still, this was for your parents..."

Mads turns his head properly to look at you. 

"My parents loved each other more than anyone I have ever known. A love so pure and passionate, people looked up to them for it. People wanted what they had. I, too, hoped to find love like theirs."

You say nothing, just looking into his eyes.

"My father would being my mother flowers almost daily. They would dance together in the ballroom, even when it was otherwise empty. They dined together every night. They walked together in this very garden. Not a day went by where they didn't tell each other they loved one another. They were the definition of happiness and love."

"Do you still want that?" You ask him.

He is silent for a while. He looks at you. You are certain he can hear your pulse. You wonder if he's making you nervous on purpose.

"I don't think I deserve it," he says.

Your expression becomes confused as your eyes flicker between his own. You're questioning his thought process behind that.

"Why not?"

"Despite my kindness and everything I do for everyone, I have done many bad things. I consider myself lucky to have such friends, but to have a companion in life, I cannot do that. Consider it a fault of my guilty conscience."

"But... everyone deserves to have that kind of love. If you think I would hold your past against you, you don't know all that well at all. There is someone out there who will love you no matter what, and they will make you see just what you deserve. You'll see. One day, you're going to find someone who you won't be able to let go of, and it will be because they accept you for who you are. You can have what your parents had."

Mads watches you in awe.

"Perhaps I already have," he says.

You smile softly at him, about to ask him what he meant, but he speaks first.

"Will you join me in town tomorrow?" He asks, not letting you dwell on his previous words.

"I'd love to."

Mads smiles sweetly and offers to walk you back to the house. You accept, this time holding his hand. You want to feel close to him. You want to close that distance.

He gives your hand a squeeze.

No more pushing you away.

♡♡♡

@niceshadeofblue @meganlpie @janine-007 @multiple-fandoms-girl @mischief-siriusly-managed @moonchild-cupcake @thecursivej @bdffkierenwalker