#u dont even consider that HE might not survive

[stealingpotatoes]

luke and biggs… thoughts?

many thoughts + it means luke has a type

[sukunasweetheart]

<the butterfly perched upon you>

slice of lifey vibes with trueform sukuna! youre like a servant-turned-girlfriend to him and dont mind me making it the clumsy girl trope sorry... lots of falling over and making a fool of yourself oops- mostly lighthearted, eventual romance, fluffy, very minor/implied smut. mentions of cannibalism, murder.

the warning of ooc sukuna goes without saying <3 hope u enjoy nonetheless <3

dividers by @/saradika, @/firefly-graphics and @/animatedglittergraphics-n-more

word count; 8.1k

how can someone be this useless?

its not uncommon that you trip over your own feet. the food you try to make always ends up charred and inedible. and anything that wounds up in your hands seem to either break or get misshapen. seriously, uraume considers you an eyesore.

very much like a stressed mother in law, they try to whip you up into shape to best please lord sukuna, but you can't do a thing right. goodness gracious.

there are only a handful of servants here at the lord's estate, mainly due to how he dislikes crowds and has a low tolerance for people in general, and will only accept a few for maintenance of his abode only. and yet, an awfully incapable and bumbling girl like you finds yourself at such a place. uraume wouldn't be surprised if lord sukuna lopped your head off one day, if he managed to catch sight of your silly mistakes.

the servants have very minimal contact with the lord. he's often out tormenting whomever challenges him on the battlefield, and even when he's home, none of you are brave enough to be loitering about in areas where he's currently present. uraume is the only one who usually speaks with him directly.

today, you've been reluctantly given the job of wiping down the floorboards of the engawa before the courtyard. you quite like this, because it's nice and sunny outside, and so you'll get to admire the butterflies while you work.

theres a pretty little pond with koi fish here as well, and you've been permitted to feed them some vegetable and seafood scraps, so you'll be doing that afterwards.

you've run up and down against the wooden flooring a couple of times with a rag, and soon enough, you get catch eye of a bright blue butterfly that flutters around the garden. you stand on the edge of the engawa, absorbed with the view. it's not everyday that you get to be here, after all. allegedly, this is lord sukuna's favourite spot to lounge about when he's home.

you get so distracted that you don't notice the intimidating presence behind you, even though he's a man whose aura bleeds all over the place, wherever he may be. sukuna looms over you and is silent as he ponders taking your head for annoying him by standing about in front of him like an airhead with an incredibly lacking sense of survival.

no, he shouldn't. he'd get more annoyed if your blood spilled over the floorboards, and he'd have to wait until the stench of your blood flees the area. however, before he can say a word of 'get lost', you manage to notice the shadow of the figure behind you.

you turn around and see him close up for the first time. a strange noise escapes your throat. you get so startled, your feet loses its balance, and you go backwards off the edge of the engawa. the dirty rag is thrown up in the air in a frenzy by accident as you try not to fall over.

thud! you're on your back on the garden floor. making haste, you frantically get into the position you were taught to get into by uraume, if you ever happened to come across lord sukuna by any chance. you kneel and lower your head until your forehead hits the ground.

and with such nice comedic timing, the dirty rag you'd thrown into the air falls directly onto the back of your head. you shut your eyes tightly and bite your lip in sheer embarrassment. you then realise that your humiliation is not what's really important right now. you might lose your life here.

perhaps you should apologise? are you even allowed to speak to him? what would you be apologising for, anyway? for breathing in the same direction as him? for not noticing him right away?

when uraume runs into the scene, what they witness is rather... unique. the useless servant girl on her knees and with a dirty rag on her head, trembling frantically. and lord sukuna, who seems to be viewing her with what seems to be mild amusement, and not annoyance.

"sukuna-sama... i apologise for any tardiness displayed by the servant. i didn't realise you would be coming here as soon as you came back."

usually, he enjoys a full meal before going out to the courtyard.

amongst your frantic thoughts, you almost tear up at the sound of that familiar voice. uraume-san! can they save you? i mean, sure, they only care about lord sukuna and him only, but surely they wouldn't want your blood to taint this perfect courtyard, right? especially when it's his favourite view!

"we shall accept any form of punishment you see fit for us."

we!? who's we?! you internally sob.

"it's fine."

a deeper voice responds. it's the first thing he's said since you noticed him.

"you can take her away. i'm going to stay here a while."

you hear the large man sit himself down.

"you. stand up and head back to your quarters."

you get up as quickly as you went down. the rag drops to the floor and you have to bend down to pick it up again with speed. you bow deeply again before following uraume out of the area. you can finally breathe again.

"consider yourself lucky. it seems sukuna-sama is in a pleasant mood today."

you later get scolded by uraume after you tearfully explained how you managed to get dirt all over your back and ended up with rag over your head.

meanwhile back in the courtyard, sukuna replays that scene of you in his head--of you turning around with eyes as wide as saucepans, something about you left an impression on him, and its not just because of way you made an absolute fool of yourself.

later, he comments to uraume about how you seemed a little different than the usual ones they pick to have as servants.

"shall i get rid of her? servants can always be replaced if you desire it, sukuna-sama."

"no, leave her. i was only curious."

uraume is left a little stunned. curious? over a mere servant girl? they are in no place to judge, but goodness, it's a rare thing for lord sukuna to be curious about somebody.

uraume has absolutely no qualms of disposing a person if they end up being no use to the lord. however, they never step out of line and act upon their own judgements alone. if there is someone who has piqued his interest, then uraume shall make sure that nothing interferes with their master's source of entertainment.

it's been a while again since you last saw lord sukuna. and you're quite thankful for it, after that humiliating first impression you gave him.

the days have been somewhat peaceful, with only the occasional grumbling from uraume, upset by your helplessness in preparing and cooking food, as usual. after multiple cuts and burns, they decided that you were not to come even a metre into the kitchen area.

that's fine by you, anyway. cleaning and sweeping while you hum your silly tunes is what you prefer.

night arrives with the moon hanging up brightly, like it always does. you think it's going to be another uneventful closure to the evening, but uraume soon appears at the servant's quarters, looking for you. they look a little uneasy. the very few other female servants whisper amongst themselves.

"sukuna-sama has requested for you. come with me."

oh...

you feeling like crying.

there is nothing that you can do. 'requested' so they may say, but everyone knows rejection means possible death. so you follow uraume outside.

walking with them in the corridor, every step feels like it's bringing you closer to disaster.

"uraume-san... what exactly is sukuna-sama requesting me for...?" you ask cautiously.

"i'm unaware know the details myself. but he's in the middle of a bath. perhaps there's a splatter of blood he can't reach on his back."

yes, but why has he chosen me out of all people?!

but you know better than to question such orders. your hands become clammy with sweat.

you reach the bath area too quickly for your liking, and uraume ushers you inside without further concern for your wellbeing. their only concern is hoping that you don't do anything to displease the lord.

lord sukuna sometimes has a tendency to act upon his own whims, but even uraume was surprised when he suddenly asked for the servant girl he met in the courtyard...

the warmth of the misty steam inside caresses your face gently and also makes your kimono stick to you uncomfortably... making you sweat even more.

lord sukuna is sitting in his oversized, wooden bathtub wordlessly, his back turned to you. splashes of crimson against his skin, just as uraume had said. you take a quiet, deep breath.

kneeling before him as per protocol, you bow your head, despite the floors being soggy with water.

"sukuna-sama. how may i assist you this evening?"

the eyes on the side of his distorted face dart down to look at you.

"it's fairly obvious, isn't it? wash the blood away."

"right away."

you stand up straight, and it was apparently too fast for your poor blood pressure, getting you dizzy momentarily. foolishly so, you still decide to take a few steps with haste on the wet, slippery floor. with a loud yelp, you slip and land on your bottom. you want to scream.

"i-i apologise..." you say tearfully, getting back up.

"...not a dull moment with you, as i figured." he uses a tone of mockery.

there's a hint of a chuckle in his voice, and you're only glad he's amused rather than annoyed at your stupidity. your backside hurts again. it hasn't even been that long since the bruises stopped hurting from the last time you fell over!

you grab a cloth to start scrubbing the man down, holding back your tears. the metallic scent is prominent, and your mind begins to wander about exactly whose blood you were currently wiping away into the bathwater. you try not to think about it too much.

it's not new information that lord sukuna kills mercilessly, and even feasts on humans should he feel like it. you've seen the types of "ingredients" uraume has used in the kitchen at times, and the blood that paints the bottom of the sink. these were all things you needed to get used to seeing and knowing as a servant at this estate.

you keep your face stern as you clean him down delicately, thoroughly. the damp, warm cloth runs along the muscles on his back, neck and shoulders. you squeeze out the blood and dip it back in clean water, before wiping again. he has a delightfully toned body, with many tattoos. and more muscles than you could ever count. you take note of the neck tattoos that resemble the lines on a butterfly's wings. it draws you in, but you have to make sure you don't get too distracted.

you notice there's some blood on his hand as well. you move towards it and clean it down, gentle in the way you go over each finger. you're holding hands with him inevitably as you have to lift it up, and this makes you realise how large this man is. your hand seems almost like a child's in comparison to his. there's something rather exhilarating, yet also terrifying about this size difference.

the hairs on the back of your head rise, for some reason. you notice how his big red eyes are boring into you from the edge of your vision. you feign ignorance and focus on cleaning.

time passes in haste as you finish wiping down the last spot of visible blood from the lord's body.

"all the blood has been cleaned away, sukuna-sama," you tell him.

"is that so?" he asks, looking down at his own body. "but there's a spot left over here," he objects, pointing to the side of his neck, vaguely.

"i- i'm sorry, i must have missed that area. i shall clean it immediately-"

you crane your neck to look towards where he was pointing, your face getting closer to his. the place he mentioned is clean. no blood in sight. you meet his eyes. his lips curl upwards, seemingly pleased.

"finally, you look this way," he says, capturing your gaze.

you freeze on the spot, face heating up.

"your... your neck seems clean... sukuna-sama," you respond quietly, unable to think of anything else to say.

"i was only teasing. was it not apparent?" he smirks at you, and you feel that your heart may burst any second now. from either fear or excitement. or both.

"pardon me. i should have noticed sooner," you say, moving your face away from his.

"...i digress. where's the fun in that? just remain gullible for me."

he flicks your forehead, making you whisper 'ouch!' under your breath.

"understood?"

"yes, my lord."

without further conversation, he stands up to his full height, the water droplets racing down against his skin. you hurriedly grab some towels for him... doing your best to avoid looking at his... ahem. when you hand over the towels, your eyes are shut tight. sukuna gives a deep chuckle.

"silly girl."

since the bath, lord sukuna has developed a tendency to call you over during unpredictable moments, and for unpredictable errands. then, he disappears again for a while. and merely moments before you get too comfortable without his presence around you, he returns to repeat it all over again.

recently, he's taken towards looking for you himself, rather than asking uraume about your whereabouts. it scares the other servants when he barges into their spaces, but he pays them little mind.

this afternoon, he finds you sweeping down the leaves away at the front of the estate, humming to your heart's content.

"i come to check what's making all that noisy ruckus... only to find out that it's you."

your whole body goes stiff at the voice, and you reflexively try to get on your knees, but he stops you.

"keep your head up," he commands you.

"your face is worth gazing at, after all," he adds, albeit under his breath.

the compliment doesn't even register into your head as you immediately stand back up, broom in hand. you thank him for the pardon.

"are you done with the sweeping, yet?" sukuna suddenly asks, looking around with his arms crossed. well-- one pair of them, at least.

"not yet, sukuna-sama. but only a little bit to go," you respond with honesty.

"come to my chambers with a plate of fruits and a knife with you, once you're done. don't take too long."

after that, he promptly takes his leave without further explanation. you stand still for a moment, as you always do. every interaction you have with him leaves you in a bit of a daze. often, you wonder if he's a part of your daydreams.

you shake your head and continue to sweep, silently, this time around. don't take too long, he had ordered.

after you're done with that, you make your way into the kitchen on your tiptoes. you wonder if uraume would believe you, if you were to tell them that you're entering upon sukuna's own request.

but once you make your appearance to the entrance of the kitchen, uraume is already there, ready with a tray with a plate of assorted fruits on it. and a knife sitting next to the plate. the sight of the sharp utensil makes you feel nervous, somewhat.

you take the tray without a word, and head towards the lord's chambers.

three sharp knocks.

"sukuna-sama. i've come with the items you sought for. may i come in?"

"you may."

you slide the door open, and sukuna is there, waiting on the tatami mat while holding a kiseru in his hand. once you enter, he sets it aside after one more puff.

"put it here," he points towards the empty space in front of him.

you place the tray down where he gestured towards, and then sit yourself in front of him. there's a moment of silence as you flicker your gaze from looking at him, to the fruit before you.

"well? what are you waiting for? prepare it for me."

oh, no. you had prayed with every ounce in your body, that he wouldn't request for such a thing, but of course it didn't work. now, you have to display your terrible cutting skills to the very head of this estate.

hands trembling, you reach out for the knife and pick up a peach from the plate. you make a cut towards the seed in the middle. then, you cut diagonally to get one slice out. sukuna opens up his hand, waiting for you to place it in the middle of his palm. you do so, and the piece looks so pathetically tiny that you almost feel ashamed.

"faster," he demands, with a small smile on his face.

you swallow thickly, and try to speed up your cutting. the pieces get more and more jagged and unsightly. but sukuna doesn't display any signs of anger or annoyance.

"such poor knife skills. no wonder uraume left you to do the cleaning only. is that really the best you can do?" he taunts you, laughing through his nose.

"i'm afraid so... i apologise for my lack of skills, sukuna-sama," you confess, trying not to make your lower lip wobble from the anxiety and dejection. did he bring you here just to mock the way you cut fruits?! your brows furrow in determination and you try harder.

after the peaches, you grab a persimmon. they're trickier to prepare, since you have to carefully peel the skin off them as well. you purse your lips.

things go somewhat smoothly at first, but then you start to slip up again. it's slippery, and the blade of the knife slices through your thumb.

"ah-" a small noise leaves your lips and you watch as a drop of your blood runs down your palm. sukuna matches your gaze and narrows his eyes at the same scene.

"such a helpless, troublesome woman."

he grabs your wrist and slowly brings your thumb to his mouth. your eyes widen, and you're speechless as you watch him run his tongue up the trail of your blood and then suck on the small incision on your thumb.

you're like a steaming kettle, with the way your blood rushes through your veins, temperature rising with how flustered you are. sukuna looks at you with your finger still in his mouth.

"su-sukuna-sama... you needn't do such a thing-"

a shiver runs down your spine when you feel his tongue swirl around your wound. he then releases it from his mouth, with a smirk, still holding onto your wrist.

you retract your hand suddenly, due to an indescribable feeling growing in the pit of your stomach. you then begin to fear that snatching your hand away like that might've offended him.

"my apologies, sukuna-sama! if you will excuse me-!"

you stand up and run, and he lets you scurry away, with the same sweet, arrogant grin on his face. down the hallway, he hears you trip over yourself before exiting. it makes him chuckle.

you're a fun way to pass time, when he's not slaughtering millions on the battlefield.

back in your own quarters, you lean yourself against a wall and pant, being out of breath. what had just happened? he... he licked the wound on your finger. and that did something to you. your insides feel all squirmy.

you look down at your thumb, only to realise that the cut has mysteriously disappeared.

after running away from sukuna abruptly like that, you had expected to uraume to chase you up and drag you to him, where you'd be executed for fleeing. but it never happens.

in fact, you haven't seen him again for a while. however this time around, his absence does nothing to keep you relaxed, as you're always on your toes, not knowing when he'd next make an appearance before you. you wonder what he will do to you next, when he does come back sooner or later.

before you can drown in those concerns of yours, uraume sends you outside to hang some laundry out in the sun. some white sheets, freshly washed. you struggle a bit, to carry the large bucket of sheets out to the yard.

the laundry line is a bit high, so you need to grab a small stool as well to successfully get the sheets over it. the wind is gentle, and the sunlight pours endlessly from the skies. truly a perfect day to dry the laundry outside.

the sheets are large, so you find it difficult to squeeze the moisture out by yourself, but you suppose they will eventually dry anyway, thanks to the nice weather. you smile as the cool breeze runs through you, making you feel pleasant.

from afar, sukuna observes this scenic view of you, surrounded by the pure white of the swaying sheets around you, smiling as the wind jostles your hair slightly and the sun accentuates your features rather beautifully.

he walks towards your light.

you're busy trying to hang another sheet on the second line this time. you wish the stool was a tad bit taller. this is rather challenging. even standing on top of it, you need to get on your tippy toes to reach properly. and it doesn't help that the water-weight makes the cloth heavier...

a large hand brushes aside the sheet that covers you from view, startling you. you nearly topple over, but a pair of strong arms catch you, keeping you standing upright.

"how ridiculous. don't you get tired of doing that every time?" he sighs. his second pair of arms are crossed, while the first pair hold you so warmly.

"i'm sorry..." you mumble, staring at him with wide eyes. it's like he appeared out of your thoughts. could this perhaps be a daydream of yours? he fixes your stance so that you can stand on the stool properly again. despite your height boost from this stool, sukuna is still a bit taller than you.

"it feels strange, having you meet me eye-to-eye like this..." sukuna comments, while staring down at you curiously.

and it does feel strange, being almost at his height. how close you feel to him now. maybe this offends him.

"i shall get down immediately," you tell him respectfully, trying to get off the stool. his arms come around again to keep you still.

"ack-!"

"tch. don't overreact. i didn't mean it that way," sukuna mutters, tutting at you.

you stand stiffly with your hands by your sides as he inspects you, anxious yet also excited to find out what his intentions are this time around. every touch he lands on you makes you skin jump, in an intoxicating way.

you focus your vision particularly on the odd looking side of his face. it looks like it has a strange texture. would it still be skin? you want to try and touch it. and... his extra eyes look cute. you gasp at yourself for having such disrespectful thoughts about him. all four of his eyes then focus on your face, as if to notice your gaze, and you feel as though your heart may leap out of your throat. there's a part of sukuna that makes you question whether he can read your mind or not.

"you're curious about this face of mine, are you?" he asks, while smiling.

your jaw hangs open in shock, and you don't know whether to tell him that he's correct or to apologise for your insolence.

"what a strange expression you're making," he chuckles, "so easy to read."

it's not that he can read minds, it's only because you're openly letting yourself known to him, whether you're aware of it or not. transparent, like a perfectly pristine and delicate glass cup. shall he leave his fingerprints on you? shall he leave some cracks in that fragile vessel of yours?

his hands come off your body, and you have to concentrate to keep your balance on the stool, no longer being able to rely on his hold to stand still.

"continue with your duties. i shall call for you later," sukuna states sternly, looking off at the sheets that still wave gently in the wind.

"you didn't squeeze out enough water. it's dripping," he points out the soaking wet ends of the sheets.

you practically jump off of the stool and get to work. in the meantime, the lord has disappeared again. you look into the distance to catch a glimpse of him if you can, but he's nowhere to be seen.

and he never got around to clarifying about what happened to his face. perhaps that's a clear sign to mean that he's not interested in talking about his past.

upon finishing the laundry in completion, you make your way to the kitchen, due to the time being close to serving the lord's evening meal.

the other servants and uraume included, are running around to prepare his dinner to perfection, as usual. for the most part, you're left with nothing to do at these times since none of them trust you with handling the food.

lord sukuna did say he was going to call for you later. you wonder if you'll be able to help bathe him again. or if this time, he'll make you do something different. you're plagued with such daydreams as the servants bustle about behind you.

by the time the busy period finalises, the moon hangs high up amongst the stars, and the darkness of night consumes all. and yet, he still hasn't requested for you at all. you suppose when he said he'd call for you later, he perhaps meant tomorrow or the day after. you never know with the lord. trying to navigate him is like trying to look through the murky depths of the ocean at night.

right when you were about to return to your quarters with everyone else, uraume suddenly approaches you.

"sukuna-sama wishes to see you. make your way to the courtyard now."

your stomach starts stirring once again.

the courtyard is beautiful, even at night. sukuna sits in the now moonlit area, drinking from a sake cup in a languid manner.

it takes courage to speak up behind him.

"did you wish to see me, my lord?"

sukuna turns slightly to the side to look at you, before facing the front again.

"...come. pour me another glass, will you?"

"certainly."

as you pour him more of the crystal clear wine, you have to stay vigilant in order to not accidentally splash any of the expensive liquid outside of the cup from your shaky hands.

tonight, the lord's gaze rests not on you, but on the moon above. you watch along with him. there is nothing but silence in the first few moments you have with him together.

"the moon is beautiful tonight," he finally says, while taking another sip of his sake.

is it normal for one to be envious of the moon? even so, thanks to the moon, you are able to see him bathed in its light, making him look almost ethereal.

"yes it is, sukuna-sama," you agree with him.

there's another momentary silence between the two of you, before you bring up a sudden question.

"...do you enjoy watching the moon often?"

"not often, but at times. it would get boring if i did it everyday."

like almost everything else in life.

"i see. that is most understandable."

the chirping of crickets is audible within the garden, and you pour him another glass of his sake after he finishes his previous cup.

you look up at the black canvas of a sky, littered with specks of white all across it. it's easy to get lost in the sight. and much more comfortable than looking at something like the sun, which could burn the delicate areas of your eyes. you begin to get immersed in the view, and your previous train of thoughts ebb away.

you don't notice the way sukuna has stopped gazing at the sky. he's watching you, instead.

"you must know by now... that i favour you more than the other servants," sukuna brings up carefully.

you stop staring up, and turn around slowly to blink at the man.

"...is- is that true, my lord?" you ask, wondering if he really means that. you don't want to get ahead of yourself.

his brows furrow. how dim-witted can you be?

"perhaps actions will speak better than words."

that phrase alone makes your heart feel like it could leap out of your throat.

"sit closer to me."

you swallow dryly, and shuffle closer to the larger man. he sets his cup down beside him, and brings you even closer to him. his hand holding your waist. sitting with him, hip to hip.

sukuna begins to lean his face down closer to yours. your hands grab your own kimono in tight fists, questioning the reality of this scene, feeling skittish yet also giddy, all at the same time.

"don't run away, this time. i won't allow it."

the way his breath ghosts over the skin of your face, how close his voice is to your ears, sends goosebumps all the way down to your legs. is he going to kiss you? can you handle that?

his lips reach yours, and the softness of them is unreal. this must be a dream. he tastes of the rice wine was sipping on before, and he's doused in the same moonlight as you are, and he's now kissing you. a mere servant.

your ears pound with your own heartbeat, and your hands grip onto your kimono so tightly that it's bound to leave wrinkles behind. they shake slightly. sukuna's large hand comes over one of them, and grabs your wrist delicately.

"relax", he's telling you.

and so, you share your first kiss with him, under the moonlight.

quite a bit of time has passed since that day.

you could say that nothing much has changed - you still have your duties as a servant, and the lord still leaves his home vacant for periods of time.

however, on days when he has returned...

you gently sway your legs that hang off the edge of the engawa, on the very same courtyard as that fateful night. sukuna lays his head on your lap, eyes closed and completely at rest, both sets of his arms relaxed as the breaths he takes are slow.

your hand is unable to stray far from the soft bed of his hair, fingers combing through the peach-coloured strands, nails raking against his scalp with the right amount of strength, the way he loves. he gives the occasional purr when you go over his favourite spots.

it's odd, when merely a few weeks ago, you had trouble initiating these harmless touches without explicitly asking for permission beforehand.

"sukuna-sama, may i touch your hair?"

"would it be alright if i could hold your hand, sukuna-sama?"

"may i press a kiss against your cheek, my lord?"

you giggle to yourself as you remember his response to your endless series of questions and requests.

"tch... quit asking me about every little thing. just do it. i'll let you know if i don't like it."

and from then on, you've been bravely placing your hands on him whenever you wanted. and he hasn't been displeased by you, as of yet.

you freely caress the side of his face that you would describe as... unique. you're always curious about the nature of it, even now. but you don't invasively ask questions. you wonder if you'll ever feel brave enough to, one day.

his larger eyes open up narrowly in an abrupt manner, and they squint at you. it makes you nervous, in the way that heart fluttering way. you never get used to the feeling of being under his intense gaze.

red, with ringed irises. you've started to enjoy this colour more ever since you started to meet his eyes more often. you stare back at him but, oh- he's closed them up again.

your hand continues to softly caress him.

sukuna remains mellow, not really falling asleep, but also not in a state of full alertness. your lap serves as a great pillow.

this continues, until suddenly your touches become slower and more distracted. and he can tell your attention has been divided to something else.

the dismayed lord cracks open one eye to check what might have served as a distraction to you.

a butterfly...?

your eyes follow the pretty blue creature, landing on the flora of the garden, in it's carefree nature. a small smile blooms on your face and your hand's movements dwindle, which should displease him. he could cleave the thing into little bits, and let its remains scatter the lush garden.

but, he doesn't. sukuna lets you indulge in these small moments of joy, simply because he's gotten rather softhearted. he doesn't enjoy seeing you get upset at him. though he has control over you as your lord, his hand can't extend all the way to your heart and mind.

(and may the world burst into flames if you ever end up disliking him.)

he recalls... you were also staring at a butterfly the day he first met you, weren't you? so distracted that you didn't notice his presence. he doesn't understand your affection for such a fragile creature.

but...he supposes that he's the same.

what came over him, that he wound up caring for a silly woman like you?

as if to reaffirm your concept of being 'silly', you suddenly give a small sneeze, facing away from the front. his head gets jostled in your lap, which makes him frown and sigh.

"my apologies, sukuna-sama... perhaps it was due to the pollen from the garden..." you give your excuse sheepishly.

well, no matter. he'll keep you with him for as long as he desires. perhaps he can use your butterfly-infatuation to his advantage.

not long after, once the sun dips over the horizon and the area becomes a little chilly, sukuna decides he wants to take a bath before the day comes to an end. and you'll be coming along, of course.

...by now, you've been with him in the bath area at least a dozen times before.

nevertheless, you never seem to get used to seeing him in his naked glory.

sukuna is sitting in his tub, and you're running a warm, wet cloth over his shoulders, scrubbing lazily. he was already quite clean enough today, in your opinion.

a feeling of deja vu hits when your gaze falls onto the tattoo on the back of his neck. you remember having such a thought before. though it's not the strongest resemblance, you see it regardless.

without much resistance, you give in to the desire, and bring your lips to the area to give him a small kiss. it takes him by slight surprise.

"the tattoo on your neck resembles the lines on a butterfly's wings, sukuna-sama. it looks elegant, and wonderful," you tell him.

...he is not displeased with that comparison, strangely enough.

"is that so? no wonder i've felt your stare on it multiple times before," sukuna responds.

you never realised that he'd caught onto that. were you always staring that prominently? you continue wiping him down with the warm cloth, feeling a bit shy all of a sudden.

sukuna thinks for a moment.

"how about you join me in here, tonight?" he asks, out of the blue.

"p-pardon?!"

"quit acting so timid. go on, get yourself cleaned. i'm waiting."

you feel your face heat up at the thought of being... naked with him. anxiousness starts running through your body. you wonder if he really means it, or if he's trying to fluster you again. your lack of action causes him to raise an eyebrow.

"what, you don't want to?"

"no, no! i do, my lord! i'm just... a bit taken aback."

you spring into action. heart pounding as you shed your clothes. he doesn't turn his head or peek at you from where he sits, but your eyes dart to him to check anyways. you clean and rinse yourself adequately, with shaky hands.

"shall i lend a hand in scrubbing your back?" sukuna suddenly calls out. there is sarcasm in his tone.

"that wouldn't be necessary, my lord... i can do it myself..." you respond bashfully.

you only pray that you don't slip over on the way to the tub.

when you do eventually finish up, you walk carefully towards him. walking past where he sits, you reach the other side of the tub. you avoid his eyes as you enter at a slow pace, arms making an effort to cover your breasts. you're finally seated in the same tub as him. the water is steaming, and it's quite deep. still, you hang on to the edge and keep yourself a little distanced from sukuna.

"aw come on. it was mere moments ago that you kissed the back of my neck. so shy all of a sudden?"

"that- that was a different situation, sukuna-sama..."

"the only difference now is that we're both nude," he shrugs.

"nevermind that...the water looks a little deep for you," he says, almost mockingly so- "come. i'll let you on my lap."

you cannot tell whether he is only teasing, or if he actually wants you on his lap.

"quickly- don't run my patience thin."

you make your way towards him without further hesitation.

sitting on his lap, you find that he's oddly comfortable. an arm of his loops around your waist, holding you tight against him, as if to prevent you from running away.

the lord takes your hand and caresses it between his thick fingers. your back leans against his bare chest and abs as you relax yourself more. you wonder if the mouth on his stomach doesn't feel uncomfortable when you sit against it like this.

sukuna's extra arms begin to get more and more handsy with you. you feel his large palms on your breasts, squeezing the flesh gently. not that you find it unpleasant, but it makes you feel all squirmy and restless and hot. when he touches your chest like that, you can't help but turn your head slightly to give him a needy look. it makes him lean down and kiss you warmly.

his tongue explores your mouth in a thorough manner, encouraging a growing heat inside of you. you start gripping his hand harder, though you doubt he feels a thing from it.

when lord sukuna kisses you, you can't tell whether time is passing too quickly, or too slowly. you lose the ability to think of anything else, other than his soft lips and his rough tongue. and you believe that he's aware of this fact himself. why else could he be smiling against your lips like he is right now?

you don't know how long you'd kissed him for in that bathtub. but by the time you stepped out of it, your hands were wrinkly from the prolonged moisture.

and you came out with... feelings of unsatisfaction. rather than getting a little further than kissing, sukuna had stopped abruptly and told you with a smirk that he was ready to get back to his chambers now.

upon getting dressed again, you linger awkwardly around the man, wanting more but not knowing how to inform him of it. the lord looks at you keenly.

"well? aren't you going back to your chambers?" he asks with a sly undertone.

"...i would like to escort you to your room... my lord," you tell him, averting his gaze.

"oh? i don't recall needing an escort, when my room's right around the corner. but if you insist." you can't see what kind of expression he's wearing right now, but you imagine he's smiling at you teasingly. like he always does.

you trail behind him as he walks over to his chambers.

for sure, it doesn't take long until he reaches his room. sukuna slides open the door and makes his way to his large futon in the middle of the tatami floor. he makes himself comfortable, and lays on his side while you watch him from outside his room.

"you're still here. well? are you planning on tucking me into bed next?" he asks with his usual mockery, chuckling through his nose.

you frown cutely, feeling a deep sense of unfairness in the pit of your stomach.

"i was just about to leave, sukuna-sama," you respond a bit haughtily, getting bold with him.

"is that so. then run along," he ushers you, following that with a big yawn. your frown gets deeper.

you begin to slowly close his door, but then stop when it's only cracked open slightly. you brace yourself for the request you are about to make.

"sukuna-sama... could i sleep beside you, tonight?" you ask meekly.

his lips curl up similarly to that of a cheshire cat. finally, you're getting honest with him. he loves the feeling of having you run about in the palm of his hand.

"i thought you said you were going to leave?"

"please...?" you muster your best puppy eyes.

the lord smirks again, and eventually beckons you in with his index finger. you perk up, and step into his room with excitement, running into his futon like a dog, tail wagging from the happiness of being with its owner.

"you're like a silly mutt. foolish, but cute. i like the way you beg for my affection."

you're not sure on how to feel about being compared to a mutt, but you suppose it's not the worst comparison in the world.

"woof," you say quietly, shuffling closer to him. he laughs deeply at you. from your tight embrace with him, you feel the vibrations from his chuckling against his chest.

...there's always something hot or warm about sukuna.

his whole presence feels like a roaring fire at times, burning with his strength and charisma - the flames and temperature threatening to scald anyone around him.

but,

right here, when you're in his arms, the fire becomes tame. still an unrelenting and strong flame, but something more controlled and comfortable to be around.

you close your eyes with a smile, satisfied with this outcome.

"oi. i don't recall saying you could sleep yet."

that makes your eyes bolt open with confusion. sukuna furrows his brows and grabs your face, squishing your cheeks together.

"you're in my futon, and all you can think about is sleeping? i don't know how to feel about that."

"oh... was there something else you wanted from me, sukuna-sama?"

he looks further displeased by your question and suddenly grabs both your wrists, pinning them above your head. you gasp, surprised by his sudden shift in mood.

"we should continue with where we left off, shouldn't we?"

another hand comes up to hold your neck gently for a moment, before he slides it down slowly to your chest, the warmth from his palm trailing with it, reaching your clothed breasts, making your head spin with arousal.

"were you not anticipating something like this? when you asked to stay the night beside me."

he leans down and presses his lips against the space just below your ear, making you shudder. he likes this reaction, and continues kissing down your neck.

"s-sukuna-sama..."

"what a lewd tone you're using with my name. i hope you're prepared for the consequences of that."

he overtakes your senses with another searing hot kiss. hands clawing away at your kimono. teasing touches to your chest. his flames are threatening to envelop you, producing yet another unique kind of heat.

but you've never welcomed anything else more in your life. you'd gladly burn to ashes if it means being so close to your lord, your light.

...it's safe to say that you woke up the next morning with more bruises and bite marks than the number of fingers you have on your hands. and the lord lays beside your exhausted frame, aimlessly curling a lock of your hair around his finger with a satisfied grin on his face.

during one quiet afternoon, uraume beckons you towards them.

"i've been ordered to dress you lavishly. come with me."

you follow them without question, wondering what the sudden occasion could be. lord sukuna has left for the battlefield once again, so he's been missing for a couple of days. is he due to come back this evening?

such hopes fill your mind.

you stand awkwardly as uraume fits a rather elegant and expensive, but beautiful looking kimono onto you. it feels odd. you could even say you feel a bit guilty; in what world would someone dress a servant so extravagantly? nonetheless, you accept the treatment with silence. you get lost in your own daydreams, while uraume prepares you for whatever's been arranged for you.

by the end of it all, they angle you to face the mirror properly, their hands placed on your shoulders.

"it's complete. feel free to take a look at yourself."

you turn your face to one side, and then the other, all while keeping your eyes on the mirror. you look... stunning.

"th-thank you..." you tell uraume, quite speechless.

"please withhold that gratitude for lord sukuna. he was the one that arranged for this, after all."

you're then told to wait at the courtyard, for the lord's return. tingles of excitement run through your veins, and reaches the tips of your fingers, at having your hopes confirmed. he's due to return tonight.

quite a bit of time passes. yet, no signs of him coming back yet. you swing your legs back and forth languidly over the engawa, looking up at the sky aimlessly. though you shouldn't be doing such a thing when you've been fitted with a lovely kimono, there's no one around to scold or stop you from your usual habits.

you sigh, wondering when he'll be back. your eyes wander around the garden, this time. under the moonlight, there's a singular butterfly that flutters about, appearing in good timing as if to help cure your boredom.

you step out onto the grass and approach it, lending out a finger towards it to see if it decides to land on your hand. it takes a bit of effort, but after some gentle movements and patience, it eventually stops to linger on your index finger for a while. it allows you to admire every ridge, and all the patterns on the wings in better detail. you wonder whether you'll ever get another opportunity to observe a butterfly so closely again in the future.

a few footsteps resound behind you, getting you startled. when your body moves slightly from the scare, the butterfly flees and seemingly disappears out of sight.

yet, right now, you have no room to feel disappointed by a mere butterfly.

sukuna is smirking at you from a distance, looking very pleased with the way you're dressed for him. he steps down and walks into the garden as well, approaching you languidly, one arm concealed under the sleeve of his kimono.

"welcome back, sukuna-sama. i've been awaiting for your return," you greet him, smiling.

"were you now? missed me that bad?" he asks, reaching out to caress your cheek.

"yes, my lord. i missed you so much. not a day goes by where i don't think about you."

"why, how sweet...perhaps you deserve a reward for your honesty."

"a reward...?" your eyes grow wide and you start getting embarrassingly overjoyed at the idea of a reward given to you by the lord himself.

"so eager. you seem like you're truly getting committed to playing the role of a mutt."

you try to change your expression in haste, but you end up looking more bashful than anything. sukuna laughs at another one of your strange expressions.

"i'm only teasing."

he then pulls his arm out of his sleeve, revealing something you never thought you'd see in his hands.

a hairpin... specifically, one with a large blue butterfly on it. embedded with pretty jewels, and shaped to perfection. it would've been something difficult to obtain. for someone who's always busy creating chaos, when would he have had the time to find such a thing amongst everything else?

"i thought you would enjoy having something like this. do you like it?"

"oh... like would be an understatement, sukuna-sama. i adore it. is it really for me?"

"who else could have it? don't ask foolish questions."

it could only ever belong to you.

he places the pin into your hair, graceful and elegant with his hands. it makes you feel overjoyed. heat rises to your cheeks and they hurt from how much you're smiling.

"not bad at all. it was worth obtaining."

your hand rises to where the hairpin is, and you touch it gently, letting your fingertips feel the texture of the pin and it's butterfly pattern.

"am i... am i pretty, my lord?" you ask sheepishly, looking up at him with your doe eyes.

he's smiling at you rather gently, his eyes mirroring your reflection within them as he gazes down at you in silence. his lack of a verbal response almost makes you nervous, however.

sukuna reaches out to hold your hand, and pulls you closer towards him. he's glad that nobody else is around, for he's certain they would've also felt so drawn to you, like he is right now.

he palms your cheek again, before letting his thumb brush over your lips delicately.

you never sever your gaze from him, continuing to await his reply.

"... you're beautiful,"

he finally relents.

sukuna then presses his lips against yours, underneath the moon's blessing. once again, and forevermore.

fin.

Masterlist

[sl-ut]

ceilings

PART TWO

GUYS I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW AMAZING THE RESPONSE TO THE FIRST PART OF THIS WAS!!!! IM ACTUALLY SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU ALL WAIT LIKE FIVE MONTHS FOR PT 2 BUT HERE IT IS!!! I REWROTE IT LIKE SEVEN TIMES SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT (its not exactly how i wanted it to be but its here so pls stop harassing me ab it lol) (jk i love being harassed by you guys) (love u all)

pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader

description: ellie is put on the spot, but it seems that her choice has already been made.

warnings: MENTIONS AND (non-explicit) DEPICTIONS OF DOMESTIC AND CHILD ABUSE, swearing, allusions to nsfw situations, misogyny, alcohol consumption, mentions of guns, ellie is stupid af

words: 8.7K

date posted: 18/11/23

part one

From a very young age, Y/n had developed a deep understanding in regards to her place in the world. Girls like her did not ride out into the face of danger, nor did they scour the ruins of what was once a flourishing society for even the slightest chance of survival. Girls like her did not fight or talk back, instead they were quiet and followed orders so that someone might feel inclined to protect them. She had learned these lessons from no one other than her father. 

He had never been a kind man; the type that would send even the bravest of souls running the other way with his piercing stare and bulging muscles. He had started off with a considerably large group, only to find himself off on his own all thanks to his frighteningly short temper and his alcoholic tendencies. For a few years, he wandered through the woods on his own, tearing his way through small survivalist groups as if he, himself, had been infected, until he came across a young woman hiding out in an abandoned motel. Unlike usual, he hadn’t immediately reached for his blade at the sight of her, and instead found himself feeling in need of some human contact after so much time on his own, and offered her his protection for the nonrefundable price of her body. Scared, alone, and hungry, Y/n’s mother was quick to fall into routine with the man, finding comfort under his protection and returning it whenever he saw fit. 

Y/n often tried to imagine the man who had been so frightening to anyone who crossed his path; Almost as wide as he was tall, rippling muscles beneath weathered and scarred skin, a seemingly permanent sneer carved into his face. It was difficult to picture him as such, especially when he had been so unwell since they had arrived in Jackson. He’d been bitter since that very day, never wanting to feel like he might be indebted to somebody else, though Y/n’s mother had convinced him that neither of them would be able to survive the winter this year, especially considering that Y/n had contracted a terrible cough and was showing signs of oncoming pneumonia. To this day, he made it very clear that he only chose to stay because he knew that there was no chance of convincing Y/n’s mother to leave her behind. The years hadn’t been kind to him–the sudden transition from living on the run to such a comfortable life caused a dramatic physical transformation, and allowed his age to finally catch up to him. 

Her father was among the most humiliating parts of her life in Jackson, everyone recognising him immediately to be a raging old fool who was all-too reliant on the bottle to take away the pain of his aching bones. He’d also settled more comfortably into his role of a deadbeat husband and father, finding Y/n and her mother to be even more irritating now than when they relied on him for everything; they’d both been left to cover up bruises with clothing and excuses of clumsiness rather than admit where they’d really come from. 

Her relationship with her mother was almost more difficult to explain. 

From the time that Y/n was old enough to remember, her mother had been telling her that their lives were owed to her father in every sense of the matter. Y/n’s mother didn’t hate her, that much was clear, but it was also very plain to see that she considered her daughter to be quite a disruption of her life. Things had been much easier before she had been born–all that she needed to do to survive was to make herself available for his use and boost his ego, now she needed to not only fend for herself, but fend for her child as well. Y/n’s father had no emotional or moral obligations to her, and had even tried to leave her behind after they’d figured out that she’d been knocked up. After Y/n was born, he still considered dumping the two of them–what kind of use would a woman be if there was the chance of her getting pregnant again? It was only because of some kind of divine blessing that he found it within himself to keep them around. After coming to Jackson, her loyalty to him never strayed, and the slight resentment that she already harboured for her child grew.

Y/n fit into the everyday routine of Jackson residents almost too easily. She quickly came to enjoy the new aspects of her life in the commune such as school, taking part in daily chores, community events, and most of all, interacting with her peers. They were all so kind to her, praising her when she did well at something, and comforting her when she didn’t. People told her she was pretty and smart and funny, all of the things that her parents did not. She did not need to resort to loaning out her body for a meal, nor did she need to cower in the face of safety. At school, boys flocked to her every whim, because they genuinely wanted her, not because she was playing into their sick mind games in hopes of survival. Things such as praise, safety, and happiness were handed to Y/n so easily, while her mother had to fight tooth and nail for them. The complex relationship between Y/n and her family could not easily be explained, but those native to the commune had quickly come to their own conclusions about the trio.

Things did not remain as easy for Y/n as she had once seen them as. Those unfiltered adoring comments of pretty and smart, quickly led down a dark path and became dumb and slut and fat. There was a pattern in her life, all of those who started with the kind words would always end up saying the others at some point, though it wasn’t until Dina began saying them that it truly bothered her.  

Everything that Y/n was to the people in Jackson, Dina was too, only better. She was the kind of girl who couldn’t be stopped when she put her mind to something, and was loyal to the very end, which is what made it so difficult when she turned her back on Y/n. 

There were very few limits that Y/n had when it came to the brunette girl. She was the type of person whose laughter could warm the soul, and whose praise was comparable to a badge of honour. Y/n would take up new hobbies or interests, even some things that she never really even liked in order to have more things in common with her, and at one point, would have considered her to be her closest friend; Each time a new boy broke her heart, Dina was there to comfort her; Each time her father grabbed her a little too tightly, Dina would force her to spend the night and help her ice her bruises. There was quite literally nothing in the world that Y/n wouldn’t do for her, something she had never felt for anyone, ever, until Jesse came into the picture. 

He was the first guy their age who hadn’t shown an immediate interest in Y/n, which was quite refreshing, so she made no opposition when Dina suggested that they invite him to hang out. The first pinch of regret came a few weeks later when her friend finally confessed her feelings for Jesse. With every guy that had ever been around her, she’d never felt an ounce of jealousy when it came to other girls.

Until then. 

***

Ellie has never felt longing like this before. Of course, she had experienced the embarrassingly naïveness that came along with having a crush on someone before, both with Cat and briefly with Dina, but she had never genuinely felt what it was like to want someone in the soul-crushing way that came with the early stages of love, let alone with someone who made it quite clear that they wanted nothing to do with Ellie. Her bed felt much colder than it ever had before, and nights seemed to drag on rather than how she used to pray for just a few extra minutes. She couldn’t help but wonder how she had managed to fuck up everything up so badly that withing a few days, she had gone from wanting to keep her relationship a secret to wondering if she even was in a relationship anymore.

Well, to be completely fair, Ellie had made it quite clear to Y/n time and time again that they were most certainly not girlfriends. They were just two girls who had romantic interest in one another who spent most of their time together doing things that girlfriends might do with one another. But they definitely weren’t dating, so it really shouldn’t have bothered her when she began to notice the attention that Y/n had been receiving from the new girl. 

It was rare for Ellie to see either of them apart from one another. In fact, Y/n seemed to have made a genuine and successful effort in avoiding Ellie as much as possible in the days that had passed since they had last spoken at the Tipsy Bison. She would spot her from afar sometimes, walking in stride with her seemingly new best friend, and would watch her from a distance until her figure disappeared out of sight. On the odd occasion where Y/n’s shift in the stables lined up with Ellie’s patrol, Shimmer’s reins would be silently handed over to her, accompanied only with a blank stare and deaf ears when Ellie attempted any sort of small talk. When this happened, Ellie’s pale cheeks flushed red and her shoulders slumped in embarrassment as she tried to ignore Jesse’s awkward chuckling. 

The only thing that made it worse was the undeniable fact that Erin had publicly staked some sort of claim over Y/n. In public, she was unashamed to be near her, to touch her, and to speak to her. She didn’t feel the need to pull her into dark corners just to utter a few words, and she didn’t seem put off by any sort of reputation or rumours being spread about herself just from being seen with her. Ellie felt almost territorial when it came to Y/n, in a way she truly never had before. Any time that she noticed one or both or Erin’s hands to slip across Y/n’s waist or lower back, the auburn haired girl had to rely on her last shred of sanity not to rush over and beat her to a pulp or tear her hand right off. For the unforeseeable future, Ellie decided that her best course of action would be to become as much of a hermit as possible, even thinking as far as asking Jesse to bring her dinner every night to avoid the dining hall, though she knew better; Her friends would be utterly useless in helping her in this situation, as Dina didn’t even know what was going on and Jesse, well…

The boy had been fairly understanding of Ellie’s feelings on the situation. He knew firsthand how his own girlfriend felt about Y/n, even more in detail than Ellie did. He admitted to her that he genuinely liked Y/n, but chose to avoid her purely out of respect for Dina, though made sure to tell her what an idiot Ellie had been if she actually had feelings for her. He had successfully perfected the art of tough love, and made sure that Ellie felt every bit of it.

She truly hadn’t been looking forward to her patrol shift with Jesse, knowing that it would be nothing more than yet another therapy session; what Dina was mad at him for this week, the crazy dream he had last night, the weird bump on his ass… Only this time, there was a much larger issue at hand that turned the need for therapy to Ellie rather than him, and she knew that there was practically nothing that could have prevented Doctor Jesse, LMHC from joining her that morning. 

“You know, I really don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you think it is.”

Ellie shook her head, “Says you. You see Y/n walking your way and you run the other direction.” 

“Well, you know how Dina is.”

She sent him a pointed glare.

“For me, that is.” He continued, “I’m her boyfriend.”

“And I’m her best friend.”

Jesse tilted his head with raised brows, “Meaning that you are irreplaceable. Me, on the other hand, could be replaced by anyone given the chance that Dina’s standards suddenly go up. Will she be pissed? Definitely, but there’s no way that she would ever wanna stop being friends with you over this.”

Ellie wasn’t sure whether this was the most intelligent or idiotic thing that Jesse had ever said. She certainly hoped that her relationship with Dina was strong enough that anyone that she would be looking to pursue romantically would not be too much of an issue, though the dark-haired girl tended to be quite unpredictable and Ellie couldn’t rely on hope. Dina was the first friend that she had made in Jackson, the first person who didn’t treat her like a wild animal who’d been spooked, the first person who actually accepted her into the community. How could she risk losing her?

“And not to light a fire under your ass or anything,” he sent her a pointed look, “But word on the street is that she and Erin are getting pretty close, if you know what I mean.”

Ellie narrowed her eyes at him, “Oh, fuck you. ‘Word on the street,’ my ass. As far as everyone else knows, she doesn’t even like girls. By next week, the rumours will start and then everything will be back to normal. I guess it’s my own fault for thinking that–” She coughed and cut herself off.

“For thinking that she actually liked you?” Jesse finished for her, smirking at the dangerous glare that wordlessly confirmed his thoughts. “Have you ever considered that maybe she feels the same way?” There was a beat of silence before he continued, “Think about it, every guy in Jackson told her the same things you probably did, and the second they got what they wanted…”

“No, I’m not like those fuckers. I never told anyone anything about what happened between us. Those guys, she told me that half of the stuff they say about her isn’t even true.”

“So is spreading rumours really that much more hurtful than being too embarrassed that you were even together?”

Was it? This whole time, she had been consoling herself with the idea that she would be better than the others–all of those guys who called her a slut behind her back, all of those guys who used her for her body, the guys who stole away pieces of her until she genuinely had very little respect for herself to prevent anyone from hurting her like that again, Ellie included. Especially when, during the last few days, Ellie had been no better, wondering how much Y/n could’ve liked her at all if she was moving on so fast, wondering if all of those rumours might have had some kind of truth to them at all. There she was, throwing herself a pity party over her unrequited feelings, when she had been the one who had been emotionally unavailable, not Y/n. 

“Am I good, or what?” Jesse laughed, “Seriously, do you think Maria would be open to starting a therapy business in Jackson?” 

“Or what,” Ellie responded a moment later, “But she might, God knows I’ll need a session after this.”

***

Y/n had always had it in the back of her mind that everything happened for a reason. Every bruise was a fight that she survived, every sickness was a reminder that she was still alive, and every heartbreak was a love that simply wasn’t meant to be–a sign that the one was still out there. A large part of her wanted it to be Ellie, even more so than how she wanted it to be every guy that came before her. Y/n thought that Ellie was different than the others, she didn’t just smile charmingly as whisper pretty words before going off on her merry way, instead preferring to stay in bed for a while after they would sleep together, actually listening to what she had to say and responding in a way that let her know that she was genuinely interested. 

But alas, Ellie had been no better than the rest. Of course, Y/n had been used to this kind of thing, so there was a bit of a routine that she’d gotten used to. It was worse this time, though, even worse than the very first–but the routine was strict, and didn’t allow her to shed any more tears than she could help, and so the cycle began again. 

Y/n wasn’t stupid, despite what the others said, and she could very easily see what Erin wanted from her, though she was determined to make this time different. If she was fated to undergo the same heartache time and time again, she would hold it off as long as she possibly could. Any attempt made by the blonde to take their relationship further than a friendship would be ignored until Y/n decides that she was ready for it, though the ease that she found when it came to swerving her advances began to bring up another question in her mind; Was she really that interested in Erin? Or was she really that desperate for attention that she was willing to jump to the next person who even glanced in her direction? 

The question gnawed on her for days. Everytime Erin touched her, it felt as if someone had brought flame to her flesh, and not even in the same way that it had been with Ellie, nor any of the others that came before. Perhaps she was simply just more aware of the issue at hand than she had been before–that much was undeniable at this point. She made a real effort to put a bit of distance between Erin and herself, deciding that, if something were to happen between them, it wouldn’t be quite so easy as it had been in the past. She could tell that this bothered Erin to some degree; Her pink lips always turned into a scowl when she wouldn’t receive any more than a peck, and her wandering hands often caused the girl to stiffen, but she had yet to say anything about it, instead putting on a sickeningly sweet smile and changing the subject to something much more lighthearted. 

It would seem that Erin was less discreet about their relationship with other Jackson residents than she was around Y/n. Apparently, it was a hot bit of gossip around Jackson, considering that the girl who had a pretty scandalous reputation when it comes to men seemingly had switched teams. Her sexuality wasn’t exactly a new discovery for herself, but she’d never actually been with another girl until Ellie, and no one even knew about that. Generally, Y/n wasn’t concerned about what other people her age thought of her, as there was very little that they hadn’t already said about her, but the way that she was viewed by the older generations of Jackson residents was something that she was very conscious of. 

She’d had quite a close relationship with Maria for quite some time now, and in turn, Tommy as well. The married couple were the unofficial leaders of Jackson, and often took it upon themselves to check in on those around town that may need a bit of extra help or care. They both viewed her as someone who has overcome quite a lot in the short time that she’d been on Earth, and yet, she was miraculously able to fit into the status quo quite easily. 

A few years after he arrived in Jackson, Tommy’s brother, Joel, took up another caring role within her life, just as he had done with several other Jackson residents who were around her age or younger. Y/n quite liked Joel, and not only because of his close relation to Ellie. In fact, Y/n had somewhat of a friendship started with Joel long before she had even spoken to Ellie for the first time, finding some comfort in his unshakeable fatherly instincts; Offering her a small cup of precious coffee or another sweater when he noticed a tremble in the cold, or a gentle reminder that she could tell him about anybody giving her a hard time. He once told her that she reminded him of a stray cat, constantly showing up on his doorstep time and time again after he’d given her a scrap of food once, and now he was forced to practically adopt her as a consequence of his actions. There was hardly anything that she wouldn’t tell him, which was why she was quite excited when Tommy suggested that she start out her paired patrolling duties with him at her side. 

Joel was mostly quiet on patrols, usually offering small grunts in response her pestering questions or a stifled laugh, doing his best to seem unimpressed with her foolishness, but unable to hide the admiration he seemed to have for the young girl who seemed so unfazed by the things she had been forced to face in this world. He always made sure to ask her about her own wellbeing, usually when they would stop to pick at the sandwiches that Maria had packed for them.

“Anyone givin’ you any trouble?” He would always ask, quickly followed up by, “Aside from what you go lookin’ for, that is.”

At this, she would usually give him a little explanation of her personal life; Who she had spoken to the day before, who she thought was nice and who wasn’t… Joel wasn’t usually one for gossip, but he didn’t mind having to listen to her drone on about what the Jackson youths were up to lately, especially when it may or may not concern Ellie. 

“And your daddy?” He always asked her this at some point or another. It was no secret around Jackson that her father wasn’t exactly the nicest guy around, especially towards his daughter, nor was her mother doing much to look out for her. “He treating you and your momma alright?”

Her lips tightened into a grimace, stuffing a large bite of her sandwich into her mouth, “Same as always.”

“He hurtin’ you at all? You know if he is–”

“He isn’t. Not since last time.” She affirmed, peering intently down at the half-mauled sandwich in her lap, “Besides, you’ve got bigger fish to fry; Don’t think I haven’t heard about Miss Gonzalez bringing you that apple pie last week.”

“It was pecan, actually.” Joel groaned, shaking his head and hiding his smirk, “You’re talkin’ to me about my love life?”

Y/n chewed her bottom lip, “Didn’t take you as the type to listen to rumours, Miller.”

“‘M not talkin’ about any rumours.” He gave her a firm look, one that knew far more than she had expected. “A girl as smart as you can’t’ve forgotten whose backyard you’ve been sleeping over in.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He rolled his eyes, “‘M not tryin’ to pry, I only mean…fuck. All ‘m tryin’ to say is that I think you make her happy. I know she and I aren’t exactly in the best place, but that’s all I want for her. Startin’ to think she makes you pretty happy, too.”

“Yeah, well,” Y/n scoffed, trying to reign in any bitterness she felt towards the girl, “Not happy enough.” She forced the remainder of her sandwich into her mouth, her words coming out muffled, “Let’s get moving, it’s gonna be dark soon.”

***

Y/n had always had it in the back of her mind that everything meant something. Every bruise was a fight that she survived, every sickness was a reminder that she was still alive, and every heartbreak was a love that simply wasn’t meant to be–a sign that the one was still out there. A large part of her wanted it to be Ellie, even more so than how she wanted it to be every guy that came before her. Y/n thought that Ellie was different than the others, she didn’t just smile charmingly as whisper pretty words before going off on her merry way, instead preferring to stay in bed for a while after they would sleep together, actually listening to what she had to say and responding in a way that let her know that she was genuinely interested. 

But alas, Ellie had been no better than the rest. Of course, Y/n had been used to this kind of thing, so there was a bit of a routine that she’d gotten used to. It was worse this time, though, even worse than the very first–but the routine was strict, and didn’t allow her to shed any more tears than she could help, and so the cycle began again. 

Y/n wasn’t stupid, despite what the others said, and she could very easily see what Erin wanted from her, though she was determined to make this time different. If she was fated to undergo the same heartache time and time again, she would hold it off as long as she possibly could. Any attempt made by the blonde to take their relationship further than a friendship would be ignored until Y/n decides that she was ready for it, though the ease that she found when it came to swerving her advances began to bring up another question in her mind; Was she really that interested in Erin? Or was she really that desperate for attention that she was willing to jump to the next person who even glanced in her direction? 

The question gnawed at her silently as she waited patiently for Erin to return with her second drink. She hadn’t really been in the mood to drink that night, but it was either that or be left alone with her thoughts, and they had been less than kind towards her lately. But going to the Tipsy Bison also heightened her chances of coming face to face with Ellie again, and she wasn’t entirely sure of how to act if she were to confront her again, just as she had last time. 

Her fingers scraped at the sticky residue that had been smeared across the tabletop, shoulders hunched and eyes cast downwards to avoid drawing any additional attention to herself. Her mind felt hazy, likely a combination of the little food she’d consumed that day and the drink that she’d already finished, leaving her blissfully unaware of the attention that she actually was receiving. It was different from the way that people normally looked at her, either in awe or resentment, instead proving a general concern for the girl who would normally be jumping to be in the middle of the dance floor or joining the few musicians in Jackson on stage for a song or two. This girl was very different from the latter, the charming smile that she would normally wear had turned into a small pout, and her normally wide and wondrous eyes were dull and bored. 

A hand touched her shoulder, drawing her out of the daze that she hadn’t even realised that she’d been in. Maria appeared at her side, a warm smile on her lips as she scanned the surprised expression of the younger woman, soon followed by her husband.

“Oh,” Y/n shook her head slightly as her posture straightened, “Hey, Maria, Tommy.” 

“Y/n,” Tommy nodded at her, “How you doin’ tonight?”

She shrugged in response, “Good.”

Maria squeezed her shoulder, “You sure? Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.”

Y/n suppressed the minor tug of annoyance at their persistence, “Fine. Just a little tired.” 

The couple shared a knowing glance. Y/n was not the first girl in Jackson to hold the kind of reputation that she did, though very few others had their entire lives put out on display for the rest of town to judge. People talk, and between their words and the physical state that she was in, there was nothing that she could do or say to make them believe her. 

Tommy cleared his throat, “Heard you did well out on patrol today. Joel’s thinkin’ that a little while longer ‘n you’ll be on your way to doin’ it full time. That sound good?”

Y/n didn’t go on patrol often, but anyone who was physically capable of going was put on the schedule at least once a rotation. Having not been out too many times, she tended to get paired up with others who truly knew what they were doing, though Joel Miller seemed to be her main partner, which was an especially bizarre situation considering that Ellie was practically his daughter, no matter how impossibly strained their relationship may have been. Joel had always been nice to her, never too harsh when she made mistakes, nor was he a major softie who let her away with shit. Things had been a bit tense one morning when they had run into one another before their patrol in his backyard, where she had been sneaking out of Ellie’s garage-turned home in the early hours of the morning. It was a bit of an unspoken understanding of each other–both had fallen into the bittersweet situation of caring just a little too much about Ellie Williams. 

It made her chest swell knowing that he’d been praising her to his brother, but if he’d truly been bringing up the little bit of good that she’d done, he’d surely growled about how clumsy she’d been after their converstation, falling off her horse, losing the map to the wind…Hell, she’d almost shot him on accident from sneezing! Of course, even Joel Miller would be talking poorly about her behind her back, just like everyone else.

“That all he said?” She asked, tired eyes turning to the man.

He shrugged, adjusting his belt buckle uncomfortably as he shifted his weight, “That’s the gist of it, anyways. Say, you wouldn’t mind filling in on the late morning shift tomorrow, would ya? Eugene’s got a stomach bug and can’t seem to go more than twenty minutes without…well, you know.”

She tilted her head, glancing between the married couple in confusion. She’d never been asked to take on a patrol shift more than once every three weeks, let alone twice within a few days of each other. 

“I know you aren’t normally on the schedule this regularly, and I wouldn’t ask if I weren’t in such a bind.”

“I mean, I don’t really mind, but I’m supposed to work in the stables tomorrow.”

Another figure appeared before anyone else could speak, the loud clink of two glasses hitting the table as Erin’s smiling face filled Y/n’s vision. 

“What’d I miss?” She asked, eyes shifting between the couple and the girl she’d walked away from only minutes earlier. She slid a glass across the table to Y/n, who eagerly accepted it and took a large gulp. 

“Not much, Tommy was just telling us about how great Y/n was on patrol yesterday.” Maria smiled, patting her shoulder gently. 

Erin turned to Y/n with an amused grin, “Oh yeah?”

“So great that she’s even taking over Eugene’s shift tomorrow. I’d say she’s on her way to becoming a big hot shot around here,” Maria grinned, “Everyone will be talking about you soon enough.”

“More than they already do, you mean,” Erin chuckled, completely ignorant to the glance that both Tommy and Maria sent her as she turned to Y/n with furrowed brows, “And here I was all excited to work together in the stables tomorrow morning.”

Y/n glanced down at the amber liquid in her glass before downing it all in one gulp, cheeks beaming with embarrassment, “I mean, it’s an emergency. I really don’t mind, and I don’t think the horses will miss me too much.”

Tommy nodded, thanking Y/n once more before guiding Maria away with a hand on her lower back, departing from the pair with a farewell before disappearing into the crowd. Y/n’s eyes followed them until they couldn’t anymore, then found themselves locked onto an eerily familiar gaze. Ellie leaned against the opposite side of the bar, clad in her favourite black flannel and nursing her own drink as she blatantly ignored Jesse and Dina as they bickered playfully next to her. She seemed a bit surprised when their eyes met, but offered her a small nod as a greeting. Y/n’s brain scanned through all of her options; She could have run over to her, jumped into her arms and announced her love, she could have turned to Erin and chose to make Ellie jealous, but instead, she simply looked away.

“You okay?” Erin’s hand graced the small of her back, her body suddenly closer than she had previously been. “Shit, you feel kinda warm. You’re not sick, are you?”

Y/n shook her head, finally glancing back to the blonde girl at her side, “I’m fine, just tired. Maybe a little tipsy.”

Erin’s laugh sounded like wind chimes as it fell from her lips, “A little? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you down two drinks so quickly.” Her eyes fluttered, hooded eyelids drooping as she lowered her voice, “If you’re not having fun, we can always leave early.” 

The game she was playing was a dangerous one. She’d been down this road before, leaving early and spending the next few hours wrapped up in their sheets. Not this time, though, she decided as she nodded, allowing Erin to lead her out of the bar and into the empty, dimly lit streets. The walk was quiet, their fingers laced together to keep each other grounded, and Y/n didn’t miss the sideways glances being sent her way. Her doorstep finally came into view, and she knew that she needed to come up with a plan.

“This is me,” she sighed, moving to unlace their fingers and make a quick escape before her back was pressed firmly against the railing of the doorstep, “Thanks for walking me.”

“Hey,” Erin’s fingers latched onto her chin, turning her gaze up to meet her own, “Can I come in? We can just… I don’t know, hang out?”

Y/n’s cheeks warmed at her sly grin, and the alcohol was telling her to agree, “I don’t know, my parents are here.”

“We could go to my place?” The blonde suggested hopefully, “My brother won’t be home till later, and I really don’t wanna say goodbye yet.”

“Erin–”

“You look so pretty tonight,” she continued, her thumb rising to trace over Y/n’s bottom lip lightly. Her eyes narrowed, focusing on the curve of her lips intently before she finally lurched forward and connected them to her own. 

For a moment, Y/n let it happen. This was her safe place, her routine, and it was difficult for her to deny herself of it regardless of what she felt towards Erin. Finally, she leaned her head back, parting from her with a wet noise and a sniffle. Her eyes burned with the oncoming tears, tears that she couldn’t even begin to explain or understand.

“Come back with me,” Erin whispered.

“I just–I’m really tired.”

“We can go to bed,” Erin smirked.

“Seriously, Erin. I’m like, really, really tired.”

An annoyed expression cracked across her features quicker than Y/n was even able to comprehend, as if she had been masking it the whole time, “Really? You’re still playing this little game of yours?”

Y/n tilted her head in confusion, “What?”

“Don’t act so innocent,” The blonde sneered, taking a step back and placing her hands firmly on her hips, “You’ve been stringing me along this whole time. I don’t know who told you that this little innocent act was cute, because it’s really not, nor is it very convincing. I mean, what’s keeping you from putting out like you’ve done with everyone else?”

“Excuse me?” A tear slid down Y/n’s cheek.

Erin shook her head, scoffing at her as she turned around, stalking off into the night without another word, leaving behind a trembling figure in the darkness as the creaking of the front door echoed in the silence.

“You got something you wanna tell me?”

***

Ellie couldn’t figure out which was worse, the blistering heat inside the bar or the bitter winter air that flooded her veins the moment that she stepped out into the street. For a split second, she almost followed the instinct to retreat back inside and find refuge in the warmth before remembering exactly what had brought her out into the cold to begin with.

The Tipsy Bison was busy that night, bodies colliding as drunken Jackson residents laughed and partied amongst one another. Ellie found herself in need of a drink, preferably in the largest glass she could find after the week she’d had. Jesse hadn’t given up on his desire to be her personal therapist, even though she’d been entirely unwilling to give him any more information on her love life than she already had, and had been prompting her to go off and find Y/n all evening. 

Find her, was a poor choice of words, considering that Ellie had clocked her the second that she had set foot into the pub. More accurately, Jesse was eager to see her march over and confess her undying love in front of the whole of Jackson–Dina included. 

There were times throughout the evening where she thought that their eyes might actually meet. The idea should have scared her, considering that she had absolutely no clue what she might do if she ever came face to face with Y/n again, and yet she found herself moving around as subtly as possible in hopes of catching her attention. Ellie’s mind kept drifting off to the constant question of whether or not Y/n had mourned what they had, or perhaps what could have been. She had moved on rather quickly, always being found with Erin not too far behind, though her appearance was not what it usually was; her normally tamed and styled hair was quite messy, and she wore muted colours in comparison to the bright, eye-catching shades of her favourite shirts. 

She watched in silence over the entire evening, making sure to offer the occasional laugh or jab at Jesse’s expense to avoid being called out, though it would be impossible to avoid the all-knowing expanse of Dina’s watchful eye.

“Who’re you looking at?”

Ellie’s head snapped to the side, finding her friend leaning across to get a better look. The auburn haired girl shook her head, pushing her back gently, “Nothing. No one.”

Dina scoffed, “Oh please, you’ve got some kind of look going on right now. Who is it? Please don’t say it’s Cat.”

“God, no, it’s not Cat.” Ellie glanced down at her drink.

Dina leaned across Ellie’s body again to get a better look, eyes falling on the slouched figure that sat directly in her line of sight, “Then who–oh. Please don’t tell me you’re looking at who I think you’re looking at.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, “Jesus, what does it matter?”

“Ellie,” her tone mimicked a young mother who had just caught her child red-handed, “You know what it matters. Don’t do it.”

“I’m literally not doing anything.”

“No, but you’re thinking about it.”

“About what?” Ellie’s tone had a sharp edge to it as annoyance twisted her stomach. On top of the other shit that she was dealing with this week, she was not exactly in the mood to deal with Dina’s judgement. 

Dina stared at her in disbelief, emotions running across her face quicker than the speed of light–confusion, annoyance, and then finally, anger. She shook her head, taking a long swig out of her glass before speaking, “About seeing if the rumours are true, going where literally every other guy has gone before.”

Jesse coughed, inserting himself into the tense conversation between his best friend and girlfriend, “Not every guy.”

Both females sent him a silencing glare before turning back to one another.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic, still freaking out about something that happened years ago?” Ellie insisted, “If it’s so bad, then why doesn’t anybody talk about it? Jesus, even she wouldn’t tell me.”

“Oh, so you’ve been talking to her?” Dina scowled. 

“Am I not allowed to?” Ellie challenged, knees wobbling underneath her as she pushed herself off of the bartop behind her. Of course, the drinks she had would make themselves known now of all times, when she needed to at least be sober enough that she wouldn’t end up saying something to her friend that she didn’t really mean. 

The raven haired girl pursed her lips, hands resting on her hips, “I can’t make you do anything, Ellie, but I figured that it’s common decency to not sleep around with people that your best friend hates.”

“I’m not–” Ellie paused, exhaling slowly through her nose as she caught herself from raising her voice any more than she had to, “I’m not just sleeping around with her.”

“But you are sleeping with her?” Dina caught on, “Jesus, Ellie, don’t tell me you fell into her little trap. I figured you’d be smarter than that.”

“Why–don’t change the subject. If you don’t want me hanging around with her, tell me why. If she really did something that horrible to you, I’ll let it go.”

“I shouldn’t have to,” Dina fumed, “You’re my friend, I shouldn’t have to beg you to not hang out with the people I hate. But if it really means that much to you, she convinced me to ask Jesse out, and then tried to steal him from me.”

Jesse blushed sheepishly from behind her, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, “I don’t think she really tried to–”

“So what would you call it then?” She turned sharply towards him, “She told you I didn’t like you, knowing fully well that I did. Why else would she do that?” 

Jesse paused, almost as if he were about to come up with an answer before slowly shrugging, “I don’t know, but I guess you really didn’t get the full story.”

“Why are you defending her now?” She sneered.

“I’m not, I just,” Jesse rushed, seemingly unsure of how to undig the hole he’d gotten himself into, “I don’t think this is something that’s worth fighting over, right? I mean, if Ellie has feelings for someone, shouldn’t we, as her best friends, support her?”

“Feelings?” 

Ellie groaned, glaring at Jesse. Leave it to him to spill every secret she’d ever told him. She downed the remaining whiskey in her glass, wincing at the delicious burn as it slid down her throat before starting marching away from the pair, “I’m not dealing with this shit right now.”

***

Y/n’s cheeks burned under the harsh coldness of the wind. Instantly upon stepping out of her house, she felt a deep mourning for the warmth of her bed and even considered scaling the side of the two story home to sneak in through the window, that way she could have a comfortable and warm place to sleep, but would still need to stay half awake out of fear of being found by her father. Instead, she took quick steps in the opposite direction, barely catching herself as she slipped on the nearly invisible ice that covered the ground.

When she finally stepped into the warmth of the stables, she leaned against the heavy wooden door as it sealed shut behind her and finally let the tears that had been burning her waterline drip down her cheeks. Her breath left her lips in heaving clouds, the air considerably warmer inside the barn than it had been outdoors, but still quite cold. Still, she would likely sleep sounder in the pile of hay in the corner than she would in her own bed.

“Hey, are you–shit, what the fuck happened?”

The last thing that Y/n had expected to happen was to find somebody else in the stables this late at night, let alone to find Ellie there. She had, of course, come around the corner from Shimmer’s stall, having come to find some comfort in her chosen steed after her falling out with Dina. 

“Ellie–”

“Who did this to you?” Her cold fingertips slapped Y/n’s own palms away from her swollen jaw, lightly pressing them into the purple flesh and tilting her head back to examine the dark collar that had begun to bloom around her throat. Y/n’s silence seemed to draw an emotional response from the auburn-haired girl, “Fuck, who did this? Was it Erin?”

“No,” Y/n finally uttered, “Not her.”

“Jesus, come here,” Ellie spoke as if she were giving the girl any option other than to follow her commands, leading her further into the dimly-lit barn to see the full extent of her injuries. 

Y/n felt a deep, uncomfortable sense of insecurity beginning to eat away at any form of confidence she may have had left. Throughout every conversation and intimate moment they’d shared, Y/n had never felt quite as vulnerable as she had when Ellie was able to see through every barrier that had been erected between them. She sat in silence as Ellie poked and prodded at her, digging through the emergency first aid kit to clean the cuts that had splintered the delicate skin of her cheek.

“My dad,” Her voice cracked as she finally broke the silence, “It was my dad.”

Ellie paused her movement for a brief moment before continuing to dab at the broken skin, “Why?”

Y/n cleared her throat, eyes darting around to look at anything Ellie’s piercing mossy stare, “He saw Erin kiss me. Turns out, he’d rather go back to have a shameless skank as a daughter than a…” 

Ellie cursed under her breath, chucking the dirty cotton pads off to the side. She tried to shake the jealousy that coursed through her veins, more focused on the girl’s physical wellbeing than their recent romantic falling out, “Why’d you come here? I mean, I get not wanting to be at home after this… but why not go to Erin?”

Y/n snorted, “Why’d you come here? Last I saw, you were having a grand time with your friends. You’re sure you aren’t afraid they’re gonna come looking for you and find us together?”

Ellie didn’t respond, taken aback at the response, but not at all angry or frustrating with the girl’s rightful feelings towards her. 

Y/n finally sighed, “Sorry.”

“No, I–uh, I think that was deserving.” She paused for a moment, “I’m sorry too, if that means anything to you. I was so, so shitty towards you.”

A small chuckle fell from her lips, “Yeah, you were. Somehow, you still treated me better than anyone else that I’ve been with.”

Ellie pursed her lips, thinking back on her conversation with Jesse and Dina earlier on, “Hey, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t wanna, but can I ask what happened with you and Dina?”

Y/n stiffened, “You mean she hasn’t told you? You’ve been going along with her hatred for me and you don’t even know why?”

“I know why on her part,” Ellie explained, “but I have a feeling your side of the story is gonna be a little different. Did you really try to steal Jesse from her?”

A scoff escaped her, disbelief escaping her features as an expression of guilt took its place, “Yes… and no.”

“Gonna need more than that.”

“I may have told Jesse that Dina wasn’t as into him as he was into her,” Y/n admitted, shoulders slumping as she stared down at her intertwined fingers, “But it wasn’t because I liked Jesse.”

“You like Dina,” Ellie concluded, a look of surprise on her face.

“Liked, past tense,” Y/n corrected, “There’s only so much a girl can take before any kind of positive feelings go away.”

“Does she know?”

Y/n shook her head, “At the time, it made more sense for her to hate me over Jesse than for her to hate me over this. It really wasn’t until you came to town and started dating Cat that I realised that I’d made a mistake, but it was too late.” A whimper fell from her lips as more tears began to trickle down her cheeks, “I’m sorry Ellie, for everything. I’m not mad anymore, I’d be pretty fucking embarrassed to be seen with me, too.”

Ellie lurched forward, grasping either of her cheeks in her cool palms, “No baby, no. I’m not embarrassed. I just, I was scared, and I didn’t understand. I could never be embarrassed to be seen with you. Shit, you probably wouldn’t even believe how fucking much it hurt, having to see you with her.”

Y/n stared up at her, eyes glassy in the dim lighting as Ellie continued to ramble, seemingly completely unaware of what she was actually saying, considering that Ellie Williams was one of the second most emotionally constipated people she had ever met, second only to Joel. 

“And you wouldn’t believe the kind of shit I’ve been getting from Jesse the last few days over this. I’m starting to think he might have been some kind of therapist in a past life or something, telling me how stupid I am and analysing my feelings. God–”

She was cut off as Y/n leaned forward, pressing a soft, barely-there kiss on her lips before pulling away, as if she had never done it in the first place. Both girls stared at each other with wide eyes, trying their best to read the expression of the other for a moment before Ellie grasped the back of Y/n’s neck and pulled her into a much firmer and much longer kiss. 

Y/n was pliant under her touch, allowing Ellie to mould her in whatever way she wanted. It was surprising to her that it was able to make her feel this good only a short while after her altercation with Erin, and how different it felt. With Erin, things felt forced, almost as if she wasn’t holding back as much as she initially thought she had been, but with Ellie, it was literally impossible to melt in her warm embrace. 

Y/n was the one who pulled away, forehead topped forward to meet Ellie’s as she inhaled heavily, forcing some fresh air through her puffy, spit-slick lips, “Ellie, I–”

“I know.”

“No, I can’t go back to how things were. I can’t have only half of you.”

“You won’t.”

Her eyebrows rose in surprise, “What about Dina?”

“She knows. Sort of. I guess it was too much to ask that Jesse keep his mouth shut.” Ellie snorted, her hand moving back to stroke the girl’s swollen cheek. “I don’t care what she thinks. She’ll be mad for a while, but she’ll come around.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

Ellie sighed, pressing one more sweet kiss to her lips, “Then I guess it’s just you and me against the world, huh?”

tags: @xmycxx @ellieseyesonly @lissanovak @erikaar @gold-dustwomxn @viswifetotallyreal @kerst666 @uraesthete @hellokitty3821 @stxrluvr @pampeop @ximtiredx @3lliesrifle @ellieslittlegf @chiao1209 @mimsiemoo @scarletnighttt @waiting-till-im-okay @salitosblog @eleactric @pedrosballsack @yourgirlcin @catostrophiclesbian @lazyotakuofficial @smelliebellie @slaysksmska @pretty-prrincess-13

[starlightingsss]

sparks fly / 2

wildest dreams. 3

kinda hating how i wrote the relationship between haymitch and reader ☹️

u guys i js realized but when im typing on mobile my capitalization is inconsistent n some paragraphs have capitalize first lettters and some dont 😭 sorry

129. she had waved and blown kisses at 129 people so far, making eye contact and reaching her hand into theirs. everything had gone by so fast, she was holding onto haymitch as they got off the train, holding onto his arm.

the crowds had gone wild once they saw, haymitch himself slightly opposed to the public display but unable to shake the woman off his arm.

she loved it, loved having everyones eyes on her. loved the attention, loved the fame. it took forever to get to the stylist cars - much to haymitch and her district partner's annoyance.

haymitch had been careful to make sure not to show any favoritism to the girl, made sure he didn't get attached. he wanted her to survive, and he didn't want to break the poor girls spirit, but still - he didn't think she could live, tributes don't usually care for beauty and it wouldn't get her allies. she would have to prove she was smart, or strong, or anything that might be considered valuable in the arena.

as she and her district partner boarded separate cars, he went onto his own car - one for mentors.

in that car, she was with 4 people. one woman with gold braided into her hair, contrasting against her dark skin, with bright pink makeup and a bright blue dress - weird contrasts but still stunning on her and her skintone. this was her stylist, allium everstar. she had seen the woman on tv many times, as she was always assigned to district 12. the other 3 looked quite bizarre, a woman with fairy wings instead of ears, a man wearing a crop top and ankle length dress with dyed body hair and purple skin, and another woman whos hair was insanely long; split into 2 pigtails wrapping around her ankles, her skin was paper white and she seemed to be drawn in black and white, except for the gigantic golden necklace wrapped around her neck.

she heard them whispering among themselves, "this one is different ... unique! look at those eyes!", the man excitedly squealed to his team members.

she heard other fragments of conversation, little "she looks so different from them.. she could be a capitol girl!", "can't wait to see her all styled up..", "she would be gorgeous if she was pink!"

she looked out the window, still seeing people lined at the streets and waving at her, until they turned into a parking garage.

they all exited the car with peacekeepers joining them and leading them down the elevator.

she was getting sent even more deeper underground - into a room where there were bright white lights.

the team had led her into an odd bathroom, settling her into a bathtub. they stripped her of her clothing, leaving her bare in the cold air of the room.

the head stylist, allium took in her figure, looking at her up and down. she wrote something down onto a little notepad before leaving the room.

she was settled into the tub by the other 3, still unsure of their names.

the women scrubbed her body as the man prepared what seemed to be dye? was he gonna make her purple like him...

"oh dear god! rhuba! abernathy said not to mess with her hair!" exclaimed the woman, in all black.

"we're not cutting it, we'll just make her a little bit blonde .. i'm thinking a split dye, it'll be absolutely stunning on her!" the man named rhuba exclaimed, "don't always have to be so closeminded, volta.."

"we're gonna get in trouble!" the woman with fairy wings instead of ears snapped, "he specifically told us not to touch her hair!"

"i-its fine? i don't mind if you dye it like that .. just d-dont cut it!" y/n said, interrupting their little argument.

"oh dear .. your mentor is gonna kill us." sighed rhuba. "plus people probably wont like it like that, its not popular in the capital at all!"

"she said we could do it!" the man practically squealed, "how exciting! most tributes are so against us dying their hair!"

the two women just tsked, as they rinsed her of the soap and dried her off, they wrapped her in a towel and led her over to a metal bed.

"dear i'm just gonna wax you .. not sure i'm gonna need to though, bare as a baby.." said rhuba, "well! at least we have a tribute who actually takes care of herself this year, not sure why i'd expect less from someone who looks like her.."

"her nails seem ok too ... some color wouldn't hurt tho!" said the little elf looking woman, with the fairy wings instead of ears. she was buffing down her nails, just evening them out a little bit because otherwise she didn't need anything done.

"alright, so its just the hair!" the man said, as he moved himself to be able to access the womans hair.

"alright .. come over here.." he told her, leading her over to a chair. she had nothing but a robe on, and her body had already been examined and picked at her prep team. "it'll be done in just a second! only takes a few seconds to bleach your hair .. can't believe it used to take forever before!", he smiled as he coated half her head in the thick liquid, "...hey how about we add some tinsel extensions?"

"extensions?" she said, a little confused on why she would need the,.

"not just any extensions, hon! tinsel ones, they're like little reflective strips, it'll be totally gorgeous under the spotlight and we can have them match your makeup to it in the parade!" he laughed this, as he pulled out the extensions anyway. he rolled her chair over to the sink as he leaned her head back, washing out the bleach - leaving her with a head of half blonde and half black hair, it suited her but her hairstyle in general suited her beautifully.

he pulled out some weird hairdryer thing that fit over her whole head, and instantly dried out her hair.

once her hair was dried, he started adding the tinsel into her hair.

after about an hour, it was done. she had little holographic streaks coming out of her scalp and honestly, it was gorgeous.

"my makeup.." she asked, "who's gonna do my makeup?"

"oh dear that'll be allium! she's really good at it .. i'm sure she'll do you well!" he said, as he spun her to face him. looking her in the eyes, examining her hair and face .. "really gorgeous.."

"thank you.. and my clothes are decided by allium too right?" she said, a little bit worried.

"yep! she basically does everything except hair, waxing and nails, but she still had control over what we do with you .. now she might be a little mad about your hair.." he laughed again, as he pinched a lock of it. "but i'm sure it'll work well with however she dresses you!" , he gave her a reassuring smile.

she smiled back, as he sent her off to allium, peacekeepers greeting her as she walked out of the room and escorting her to the elevator. they went up 16 floors, up to the 2nd floor. the peacekeepers dragged her up to a door with her name on it, "y/n l/n" and then her stylist's name under it.

she walked into the room, it was like a dressing room - the vanity illuminating the clutter of makeup products on it, a rhinestone bodysuit on a mannequin. it was beautiful but it didn't cover much, the neckline of the suit high and up to the throat but it was sleeveless, and had a heart cut out over her chest area that would show cleavage and little red rhinestones around that heart making it seem like it was a bleeding heart. the sides were cut out, showing even more skin, the cut-outs were all lined with lace, and there was a little very sheer cape and "skirt" meant to cover her a little, the cape wouldve gone as far as her wrists, and the skirt didnt even reach 1/4 of her thigh, barely covering anything.

"oh you saw it .. was gonna make it a suprise for you! didn't expect you to be done so fast.." allium gushes, as she came out from a back room. "the bodysuit is one of a kind, and you're going to need to be stitched into it - it's held together by pins right now but its fine, the jewels are all little pieces of obsidian, the red stuff is rubies, theres also some absolutely gorgeous shoes to go with them! this isn't what i had planned at the beginning but then when i saw you at the reaping ... oh god you were stunning! wasn't sure how i would be ok with myself if i covered you with coal, we're still gonna go for that kind of makeup look though, smudgy eyeliner, freckles and a blood red lip! it'll be stunning on you .. your hair... jesus he butchered it! but no worries, it matches up.. we'll just use a lot of highlighter to make you look like a diamond!"

"you know .. back in the day some people actually used coal as liner i think! we could try that but im not sure how it'd look .. better not to risk it. now i need your help to pick what shoes and jewelry we'll have for you! nothing on the neck of course, its already covered by the suit but we need some bracelets, earrings and maybe an anklet?" she seemed insanely excited as she just kept talking, "we'll cover you in diamonds .. you've got to love that! come come!", she continues gushing as she gestured the girl over to a table where jewelry was displayed.

"i was just stunned by you ... these are all real, and all very expensive. i think this one and this one are the best," she pointed at 2 bracelets, but not bracelets, more like something to go on the upper area of your arm with diamonds spilling down to your wrist. more like a makeshift sleeve?

"those are really nice! could i have a ring? the heart shaped diamond one!" y/n asked, her voice a little squeaky from excitement - she loved all things beauty, makeup, skincare, clothing.

"of course! was thinking about giving you pearls but then i remember that 12 was a mining district, not sure how you'd get pearls there!" she smiled, happy that her tribute was sharing her admiration for clothing and all things beauty.

"now! shoes, you pick .. i think you'd stun in something that'll make you taller and goes up higher on the thigh..!" she pulled the girls arm, taking her to the shoe collection ..".. how about these! you better pick quick .. we only have 2 hours left and i'm not sure that'll be long enough for you to get your hair styled and your makeup done.."

"those are really nice!" she smiled, as she looked at the thigh high boots with pointed tips and red bottoms, covered in black velvet - luxurious.

"alright alright! now we'll have your makeup done, then ill style your hair a little, and then you can get dressed and meet up with your mentor and district partner for the tribute parade!" she said this, her voice getting louder as she clapped her hands and a squad of people came out. seating herself into the chair in front of the mirror, they wet her hair, and started her makeup.

it took around an hour for makeup, excessive makeup that would only look good from a distance. stage makeup, and it was gorgeous.

the smudged out eyeliner drawn out to give a "kohl" look to the girls eyes, the dark red lips lined with even darker lip liner and sharp corners - making her lips seem curled in a smile, her eyes standing out. her eyes were captivating, her entire look was sultry, dominating and seductive at the time - all things that she wasn't. and that would've worked out for her, in the interviews and everything. a woman forced to appear strong in her parade, a woman with a sharp eye and luscious lips, a sultry and seductive woman. a maneater, something that she wasn't and she knew how to work across it, "oh god my stylist just did that to me .. i swear i'm not actually like that!" and little smiles, kisses and looks that would melt anyone. the innocence that wasn't yet stained, something she would have to work to show off, she wasn't what she was dressed to be and it felt like a costume to her. but still, she wore the costume well and just for the night.

as her stylist re-entered the room, she practically squealed when she saw the girl.

"oh dear! this is exactly how i imagined everything .. you stun me!" she managed out, as she examined her face.

"thank you.. i feel really pretty right now!" y/n proclaimed, unsure what exactly she should say.

"honey! you are really pretty!" she laughed, "well now it's time to give you back to your mentor and stuff.."

"he's probably gonna have a stroke when he sees me like this." the girl jokes back, haymitch was probably going to look like hes having a stroke when he first sees her, his jaw dropping a little and eyes widening in shock as he would took in the figure - a figure she wasn't used to "rocking" like this.

as she was lost in her thoughts, allium was pulling her around and eventually into the elevator.

"im so excited!" she squealed, this was her first year after all - and she got to style one of the more gorgeous women she had ever seen..!

the girl still lost in her own thoughts just had a dreamy smile on her face, imagining what haymitch might think of her.

as she entered the room, there was exactly 26 minutes until the tribute parade.

"someone finally decided to show up.." her district partner grumbled this while scowling, haymitch was reclined back into the luxurious sofa with a drink in his hand. he had cleaned up quite a bit, he was wearing a suit. he looked amazing and the girl was definitely staring.

"jesus theyre gonna have a field day with you." he slurred a little, he was drunk. he sat up, looking at her with his full attention. he took in the bodysuit, it hugged her curves well, showing a lot of skin, his eyes lingered where they shouldn't have for a while as he looked her up and down - slightly shocked by what she was wearing.

she just laughed at his words, blushing a little because honestly, she wanted to be on the couch snuggled up into him. she wasn't sure why but she was always quite drawn to the man, he was attractive , rough and a little messy - but still, he had a nice face and a nice body (for an alcoholic at least).

she sat down next to him, still not very comfortable as her stylist followed and sat down next to her district partner, his stylist standing behind haymitch.

"alright so .. you two need to try and get along.. just for the parade." haymitch said, a little grumpy. "but if you don't want to do that because the idea of being nice to each other disgusts you that much, then make it as obvious as possible .. you" he said, pointing at basil, "you need to figure out how to market yourself, make yourself look good and make them like you. and you, ehh sweetheart, you seem to have this whole 'make everyone fall in love with me' thing under your belt."

this led to a smile from her, as she nodded. her district partner seemed less than pleased, asking "why do we even have to make them like us anyway? shes not even that likeable.."

"you have to make them like you so you can get sponsors, sponsors are the difference between life and death in the arena- if you're starving, then a sponsors gift of food might saved your life .. and knowing you, you'll probably be starving if you survive that long. and, she" he said this, gesturing to you, "she is likeable because she is pretty, people are going to look at her before hearing what she says and they're gonna decide if they wanna keep her alive or not, she is desireable in terms of looks and looks can get you everywhere when it comes to sponsors."

"they're gonna hate her after they figure out what her personalities like.." he scowled as he thought about her, the simple thought causing his troll-like features to contort in displeasure. haymitch let out a sigh, seeing how those 2 couldn't get along.

the woman seemed offended at his words, and as she was about to say something not very kind about her partner, the intercom interrupted her.

"Tributes, the parade is taking place in exactly 10 minutes! Make sure you head to your chariots now." a shrill voice said from the speakers.

The group of them got up as they headed over to the chariots, she wasn't present for when they all rewatched the reapinga so she hadn't seen any of the tributes before.

The girl and guy from one were both beautiful, with the boy reminding her a little of cupid. They were covered in gold, matching their shiny blonde hair.

The pair from two were a little more average looking, with a younger girl and older guy, the girl looked as if she had been crying - not something expected from a career district.

From 3, they were both tall and slim, nothing extraordinary.

The pair from 4, with a boy that was obviously a kid - he couldn't have been older than 14.

She kept watching the other tributes, and she noticed how the girl from one would occasionally reach for the boys hand, holding it and smiling at the comparison. How she would look up at him with loving eyes, a look of longing and regret that was only visible to the trained eye. She noticed how the boy from 2 would comfort the girl from 2, patting her head sometimes. She saw how the girl from 4 was always looking back at the girl from 5, she noticed how the boy from 4 would scan the crowds with anxiety in his eyes. How the girl from 5 was also always looking at the girl from 4, love in their eyes for each other. She noticed how horrible the pairing for the career districts were - a pair of lovers, 2 kids, a woman entangled in a queer love affair that was bigger than she was, and the only actual "career" looking tribute was the boy, but still - he would comfort the girl from two. if anything, all the careers from one and two would group together, and the boy from 4 but the boy from 4 would be the one they left out a little more, the disposable one. The girl from 4 would probably ally with the one from 5, running away from the cornucopia to live out their dying moments in the arms of their love.

The pair from 10 seemed strong, 10 was the livestock district - butchers. They knew their way with a knife, and they probably knew how to kill. They would make powerful allies, the only reason they lacked victors was because of their lack of sponsors, they were a district that was greatly overlooked in the games.

She looked at the hands of each tribute, paying particular attention to those of 4 and 8, the districts where knots were useful, 4 using fishing knots and 8 being the one of textiles and fabrics. The pair from 8 almost definitely knew their way when it came to knitting / tying / sewing, the boy was 4 had callused hands - probably from fishing. She knew that those 4 people were to be looked out for as they would know how to manage and craft traps. The girl from 4 wouldn't be a problem unless she found her lover, she would be easy to pick off during her love crazed and very desperate search for her girlfriend. And the girl from 5, would be even easier once the girl from 4 was gone..

She was quickly snapped out of her thoughts when Haymitch snapped his fingers in her face, "sweetheart, parades gonna start in a minute or so."

"sorry , was js thinking about something" she apologized, not trying to upset the man. she climbed into the chariot, as she waved a goodbye to the group.

She stood in the chariot, Haymitch's words stuck to her, or not his words but more his tone. He always seemed a little irritated with her, unless she was serving him liquor, he didn't really acknowledge her other than that. He didn't go over plans or advice with her, he just asked her to refill his drinks. She felt like the was dumbing her down, but he wasn't like this before the games. When she first met him, he was sweet. He was drunk but he saved her, and was still kind with her. She didn't understand the reason for his overall dismissal of her, always talking to basil about actual stuff instead of her.

The chariots started as Snow finished his speech, she wasn't sure she had it in her to smile and wave like she did before but she did anyway. The capital seemed to love her, screaming her name. She was showered with roses as they threw them over the stands, she caught one and smelled it, lifting it into the air and blowing a kiss in the direction it came from, even louder cheering emerged from the stands. She kept a smile on her face for most of the parade, but honestly - she was glad it was over.

She met back up with her district partner, mentor, and their escort.

"So! How did we do?" she said, as she smiled, excited.

"Crowd went absolutely insane when you did what you did with the rose! You're a natural in the spotlight!" her escort gushes, a smile on her face as she admired the girl. "Oh and your outfit! It was stunning ... I'm not sure how anyone could keep their hands off you!"

The tribute smiled at her, still a little upset with the idea of the games.

Once they got back to the building where they were going to spend the night, her prep team made quick work of her outfit - giving her her old clothes back and leaving her to remove her makeup by herself.

She went up the elevator, following the instructions of Allium, to go up to the 14th floor because that's where she was staying.

She walked in and saw Haymitch and her district partner, both by the coffee table and obviously discussing plans about the games.

They both looked up at her when she walked in.

"What are you guys doing?" She said, walking closer to them, her voice pleasant.

"Just discussing strategies for the games," Haymitch said, "..could join us if you'd like."

"She'd probably prefer to go play with her makeup or try on dresses.." sneered Basil, he knew she took an interest to those things and he mocked her for it. Haymitch honestly wasn't much better about it though, just sighing and ignoring Basil's words as he continues to discuss the plans.

She was a little hurt, but just said "maybe later, havw to go take a shower right now.", as she put on a smile and walked away to her room.

She didn't have much trouble finding her room, as they were all labeled. It was a beautiful room, decked out in pink and gold, unsure if they made special arrangements just for her, she walked into the bathroom.

As she explored, she found a cleansing balm and a whipped cleanser, which she used to remove her makeup. After that, she found a hair mask, and some scissors. So naturally, she decided to cut her hair. She was unsure if it was because of her newly dyed hair color or because she was unhappy with how the dya went, but it didn't matter because she picked up the scissors and snipped off a chunk. As she realized what she had doen, and how it was a very big and noticeable chunk, she gave up and kept cutting. Eventually she ended up with a medium length haircut, that cut off at her breasts, opposing to where he hair used to be - at her hips, that admittedly did fit her newly dyed hair pretty well, as did it frame her face. She brushed out any of the hair she cut out and applied the hair mask, putting on a shower cap and laying on her bed. She found what she thought was a tv remote and turned on the tv, she didn't find many shows or movies - the media allowed in Panem was mostly government broadcasts and talk shows. She ended up not watching tv and instead decided to paint her nails and take a quick nap.

She slept peacefully for almost 30 minutes, as her hair mask marinated. Once she realized it had been 30 minutes, she removed the shower cap and slipped into the shower. Scrubbing at her body as she relinquished all the bad thoughts and feelings of the day, erasing the dirt and sweat that stained her pretty body. She decided to take her time, she would exfoliate and shave and everything, made sure to be perfect by the end of it. As she rinsed off her soapy body, she reached for the body scrub, applying a lather of the sandy feeling liquid to her legs. She scrubbed for a little, exfoliating her legs as she picked up the razor, coating her legs in shaving foam, she glided the razor down, removing any hair that might've grown since the last time she did this. She repeated this process on her whole body, as she rinsed herself off and felt truly clean.

She exited the shower, engulfing herself into a soft robe, she felt truly at peace with herself at the moment. She looked through the contents of the skincare drawer in the room, finding sufficient products. She grabbed a piece of ice from the mini fridge in her room, rubbing it over her face, once she finished with that, she decided on a skin tightening toner and some rose water, which she applied to her face and neck. Afterwards, she layered a moisturizer over it, before finally adding some snail mucin to lock in moisture - a weird ingredient but common capitol beauty trend.

She patted her face as she applied a hydrating eyecream, before grabbing a hairdryer and drying her hair. Once she was sufficiently happy with how damp it was, she applied some hair oil, then grabbed a gua shua and ran it along her face. Once she finished with that, she picked up the hair dryer once again, this time fully drying out her hair. She grabbed a lash serum, applying some onto her eyelashes, and picking up a pair of tweezers, as she plucked her eyebrows into the perfect shape. The woman was high maintenance, she wasn't going to lie, but she loved it. Her little beauty rituals made her happy, made her beautiful.

As her hair was dried and she was happy with how she looked, she went into the closet they provided for her, and she picked out a pair of pajamas.

She had grabbed a satin babydoll top, lined with lace, and a pair of lacy underpants, that she put satin shorts of the same color over.

She ran her hands through her hair, adding a little bit of volume before exiting her own room, to join Haymitch and her district partner at the table.

They were still at the table but this time, Basil seemed to be yelling at Haymitch for something, with Haymitch being a little too drunk to care.

She made her way closer to them before hearing what Basil was so upset about, "you're literally a drunk why would i take advice from you" and other things, she didn't really plan on interfering except for maybe glaring at Basil a little more often, thst was until he grabbed Haymitch's drink and splashed it into his face.

The woman slammed a quick punch into Basil's face, letting out a "what the hell are you doing?"

"are you really gonna defend him, huh? hes a drunk! hes literally sending kids into an arena ever year judt for them to die!" basil said, delirious and mad.

"everyone has their problems and everyone has their way to cope for it. don't blame him for something out of his control." she hissed, as she bent over Haymitch, to help him wipe some of the alcohol off of him.

"he can control it but he just keeps ln fucking drinking - i don't even know how you can try to defend him ! he's gonna be the reason we die soon!" basil snapped, still upset.

"alcohol is not addictive," she said, wiping haymitch's jaw, "but alcohol is numbing, alcohol makes people forget. alcohol lets people escape the pain of their modern lives, it takes a while for it to develop into an addiction but getting addicted to alcohol is not something someone does for fun, alcoholics are people who have something to forget, something to hide from, something that is hurting them just to remember. alcohol is an easy way out that still lets them live, still lets them function. i promise you , just because he's an alcoholic doesnt mean he doesnt care, and it doesnt mean he doesnt fucking try." the tone of her voice was sharp, unpleasant and spearing at the moment, something abnormal for her, "if he didn't care and he didn't want to try, if he didn't have some hope for us, us as in the tributes, he would be fucking dead. sending kids into a death arena is something no one could enjoy, but if he didn't have a little bit of hope - that one of us could win, he wouldnt be here today. he was a kid too when he went into his arena, he survived and it scarred him, what he did scarred him and snows punishments scarred him. he's not a bad man for wanting to escape the horrors of his past, and hes not a bad man for being drunk while hes supposed to be helping us because at least hes still here and at least hes still trying. so you need to shut the fuck up and realize that everyone has their own problems and to stop bitching at every minor inconvenience." her tone indicated the end of a conversation, as basil walked over to his room, unable to argue with the woman, the sympathetic woman who always seemed to look into a situation more than she had to.

she leaned back down to haymitch who was watching her with sharp eyes now, questioning eyes, her little outburst wasn't something he expected. the little observations she made, the little assumptions, and how she had seen through his facade things that shocked him. he realized she looked at him with wide eyes and sympathy because she figured he was trying, still trying his best after the dozens of kids he watched die.

and at that moment he knew, he knew what she was. a people watcher, a sympathizer, a woman who knew how to wear everyone else's shoes, a woman who took nothing to heart because she trusted that whoever was delivering it had something going on for them, someone who could see through everything and still never tried to hurt them with the information she had gathered as she observed them.

she rested into his arms and caressed his jawline, her own attempt to comfort the man. she was sweet and beautiful, insanely likeable, and insanely marketable.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ALSO. DAMN. speaking of worm being a fucked up story and knowing not everybody's gonna make it. i'm curious. do u have like... undersiders survival tier list? i wanna know who u think's gonna make it or who u think might not. when ur done having shrimp emotions over brian fridge etc of course :]]]

MAN. WELL. I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE HAD BRIAN DYING FIRST. GOD. hes not even dead yet (which is worse btw) but with the state hes in i may as well count him as such. i cannot see a world in which they convince bonesaw to fix him here. ugahuhh.

ANYWAY. this is not gonna be in list order bc im just thinking out loud as i type so here does. if im so real. lisa has had not one but TWO death scares already *and* her power is the least offensive so i thought for sure it was gonna be her.

im tempted to say taylor has final girl energy because she does and she could have plot armor considering most of the story is from her pov but with all of the interludes showing the story could VERY EASILY be told from someone else... i would not be fully surprised if taylor dies eventually and we switch main characters entirely. i would not be HAPPY about this per se but i wouldnt be totally surprised. taylor is so fast and loose with her own safety in regards to everything i could see her throwing herself into some situation and not being able to get herself out of it (very funny considering rn she is paralyzed at the hands of bonesaw in view of the brian fridge. aha. taylor you are in danger) HOWEVER i think if this is going to happen it wont be until wayyyyy later in the story and also itll either be some dramatic blaze of glory or just like. inconsequential and to save someone else .

torn on alec and rachel. if you wouldve asked me this like a week ago i wouldve said id expect alec to die second but i dont know why exactly? just vibes i guess. rachel is so hit or miss bc i definitely think shes strong enough to survive but also. again shes got the whole putting herself in stupid situations because of her anger thing which would easily get her killed if she was up against the wrong person. and i think in a meta sense killing her specifically would be SUCH a major shock. especially if its like. sudden or short or offscreen or something. someone who gets built up as super tough and indestructable getting offed in a second. idk. i can see it. ALSO LITERALLY THE FACT THAT AS OF RN THEYRE BOTH TARGETS OF THE S9 and from the way their test is supposed to work, only one person can make it out of there. which means AT LEAST one of them will have to die if they dont disrupt the test enough. (<< if this happens im expecting rachel to be the one that makes it. i dont think she wants to join the nine but i think shes more likely to go through with it than alec)

aisha.. i do not know enough about to say whether or not i think she'll survive much longer. she has done some STUPID SHIT and seems rlly reckless and doesnt care a whole lot for her own safety but also. need more info on her!!!!!!!!!!!

[raaindropps]

Now a very biased marketing of Aventurine ... (2/2) because I just gotta , sorry

AVENTURINE

pros : As a shielder , he can block incoming damage and help the team survive by not losing any HP in the first place. Preservation characters are so few imo because of how inherently OP their sustain mechanic is. Similarly to Fu Xuan, Aventurine doesn't need to use skill that much either, only when his shields' turn are almost up or when an ally has lost their shield. Because his shield Can Stack, it means that u can essentially keep gaining an even bigger shield everytime you skill or Aventurine does a follow up attack. He also provides effect res up to 50% for ALL ALLIES which decreases the chances of getting crowd controlled or debuffed with DoTs (which from my experience are super annoying, especially wind shear). Like I mentioned before Aventurine does a follow up attack every time his stacks reach 7 , which he can gain stacks from allies FuA and from all allies getting hit by the enemy (allies getting hit grants 1 stack while he himself getting hiy gets 2 stacks) (This follow up can also stack his shield up after unlocking a trace)

In addition to effect res, he also has in built CC protection like Fu Xuan does (except it only applies to him) and this isnt a Chance to resist like Luocha but a 100% will not get crowd controlled every two turns as long as he has his shield up.

Lastly, his ulti can debuff the enemy with 15% crit dmg received which buffs the team because now the enemy takes more crit damage damage ^u^

cons : no cleanse like Luocha, so if u do get debuffed u just gotta wait it out. Again though 50% effect res although won't prevent debuffs completely, it does reduce the chance to get debuffed so u don't need any cleanse in the first place. His other con is that he doesnt heal / restore lost HP like Fu xuan does but considering how his shields can stack and basically have infinite uptime its pretty dang okay and hes definitely worth it as a sustain. wait this js supposed to be cons. um.

his other con is that although he gets free crit rate u dont actually do high damage on him unless u build him to do high damage but like hes mostly a sustain so just build as much def% as possible so his shields r Beefy. Idk if its a Con Con per say but his technique to get the highest out of it is quite a gamble and his ult is only single target instead of Luochas aoe attack ult BUT it will usually do higher damage than Luochas while also debuffing the enemy and can reduce more tougness than luocha (90 instead of 60)

OVERALL : great solo sustain option, In my opinion more valuable than Luocha but then again the next limited 5* sustain tht comes out could definitely overtake him. In terms of Utility (aka buffs provided for allies to increase their damage output) as well as Great Sustainability id say hes on par with Fu Xuan, then Huohuo is slightly less powerful but still Very Great because energy regen and atk% is crazy and her cleanse is also OP, then lastly Luocha. Also I think his animations are fun and his sound effects especially his finger snaps sound so crisp and satisfying. I recommend going for Aventurine if you use follow up attackers like Clara, Jing Yuan, Topaz, Ratio, Yanqing and also characters who could be very squishy like Arlan who does better damage at Low HP. Aventurine can also work for damage over time teams if you use the light cone that lets him apply burn on enemies aka the Trend of Universal Market cone with Topaz and his face on it. Also if you're going for Acheron, Aventurine is probably her best sustain option atm because of how he can contribute her Ult stacks with his Ult debuff and help her damage output too although its already crazy asf.

YEAH thts it mwah mwah sorry for this long ass ask but i am going to be this guys marketer for a while i think

OHHHHH U MAY HAVE CONVINCED ME ... the lack of cleanse might b annoying but I rlly enjoy shield characters.... The lack of healing may be okay if I use his shields well and that fact that they dont gotta be replaced every turn is helpful.

Do u know if his shields go to the entire team or just one selected character? I gotta assume its the whole team but sometimes hyv suprises u

Luochas AOE seems rlly helpful but the question is if Aventurine's shields outweigh his lack of aoe.. Not to mention u said the ult usually does more damage than Luocha's which does help. It would rlly depend on who im facing, but I feel like even in boss fights a weaker aoe outranks a stronger singke target. Much to think about....

[arthenaa]

college! graphic design artist! seb x fem! reader sneak peek (inspired by true events HAHAHA i projected me and my gfs experience on this)

an: might turn into a fic !! a mix of socmed au and writing. if ever i dont turn it into a fic, ill be uploading a completed ver soon of this whole meow meow. for now enjoy!

It was supposed to be a time for discussion. Thesis work was what you exactly hoped for; a pain in the fucking ass. It was mostly expected that you'd already have a planned group before the semester started as it was a course that would last for 3 whole semesters.

That meant you'd be spending a whole school year (basically) with that group of people.

Alas, your introverted self only relied on randomized groupings and you only had a very very small social group that had different schedules from yours. You were doomed and panicking.

Luckily with the help of your professor, whom you had discreetly approached with your problem after seeing that other groups had already filled in their required numbers— had placed you in a group of four who had still yet to find a 5th member. You were thankful, yes, however, the present predicament had proved to be quite troublesome for your performance on your first meeting.

Three of your groupmates were absent. Three.

You think it might be alright to work as a pair for now considering that one was out of town, one had org duties and the other was not feeling well but the anxiety of being in a new setting with new people wasn't really doing good for you right now.

You had to depend on this man for a short presentation due in like 2 hours and you were both doing nothing.

You look down at your notes, scribbles of possible topic ideas written haphazardly across the sheet of paper. Your eyes then flicker back onto the man sitting adjacent to your seat.

You forgot his name but his face was hard to miss. You first saw a glimpse of him hosting one of the school's functions and had a great relationship with most of your professors. He was a popular kid but a good one based on your assessment of character.

He was slouched on his seat, legs stretched out on the floor and crossed over one another. He lets out a yawn as he rests his cheek on his arm propped up on the armchair while his eyes never seemed to leave the screen of his Macbook.

He seems to be busy typing several things which made you slightly feel scared that he might've been doing things by himself and forgetting your presence.

This is obviously something you're entirely assuming as he looks up from his laptop and locks eyes with yours.

You immediately look down at your notebook and begin busying yourself with the tassels of your bookmark. A flush spreads across your cheeks at being caught staring.

How could you not stare? He was known to be friendly and someone you saw often due to his reputation and connections with various school organizations. He had an overall approachable personality and was practically an attention magnet.

And also because he was .... cute.

College life wasn't exactly as much fun as your older friends used to say. It was a nightmare and an obligation you had to begrudgingly attend to. Uni days consisted of you just trying to survive throughout the week so it's safe to say your love life was as dry as the fucking desert. It was super rare to see a guy this cute in your field.

You allow yourself to scan his fit for today. How could he make an outfit as mundane as a green sweater and jeans look so ... good? The rings adorning his fingers and the black strapped watch on his wrist added to the charm and you could only will yourself to not stare even further as you'd probably be deemed as a creep by this poor young guy.

"Hey," His voice snaps you from your reverie causing you to flinch in your seat. Your look up at him in surprise as he leans forward to catch your gaze. "Y/N Y/L/N, right?"

"U-Uh yeah?" You answer timidly, fiddling with the bracelet adorning your wrist. He smiles at your answer before responding.

"Um so, I've thought of a few topics right now. Can I share them with you?" He asks softly, aware of the quiet working ambiance of the room. You nod at his offer, body positioned to listen to his proposals.

However, he only stares at you as if he's expecting you to do something else. There's a moment of silence that leaves you confused and unsure if you did or said anything wrong. It doesn't take long before you began spiraling down in a chaotic mess of overthinking. You would expect him to tell you his intentions but you certainly didn't expect what he'd do next.

"Um uh, apologies in advance—" He smiles sheepishly as if to warn you of an incoming danger. You tilt your head in confusion before watching him as he leans down, arm grabbing the underside of your chair before effortlessly pulling you close to his side. The chair glides against the floor (thankfully it had guards on its legs so the noise wasn't all that ear screeching) and you yelped in surprise at the sudden movement, gripping your armchair in the process.

It seems to have caught your professor's attention and Sebastian only sends an apologetic smile for disrupting the silence. You turn to him with wide eyes.

"I — What?"

"Sorry. I was expecting you to move but you looked like you were about to have an aneurysm or something." He chuckles as a flush spreads across your cheeks. You huff out in embarrassment before directing your eyes toward the screen.

He starts off like the previous events didn't happen. It was kind of embarrassing for you to see him so nonchalant as if he didn't just fucking drag you by one arm. He lists off his ideas to which you nod in response. Up close, you could smell the scent of his cologne and the warmth emanating from his body. He had such a huggable physique and the scent only lulled you even further to your urges.

You begin to relay your ideas as well, stumbling and stuttering over your words but he only listens patiently. Taking in your ideas and even noting them in his document.

You felt oddly touched. He heaves a sigh of accomplishment as he scans over your topics and plans of presentation. There was about an hour left before the teacher would began calling names.

"Yeah. This is good. We can present this later." He seems impressed by your ideas and makes some edits before slightly bending down the screen of his laptop.

You shuffle in your seat, unnerved by the incoming silence that would again remind you of your troubles with social interactions. He, however, turns towards you much to your surprise. A pleasant smile is plastered on his lips. You're granted by a nice view of his face as the sunlight from the window lightly hits the back of his head, creating a halo of some sort.

Dear Gods. What are you implying by this.

Wait— What the fuck. Does he have a fucking dimple?

"Quite busy aren't we?" He asks, leaning back on the chair with his head turned towards yours. In your peripheral vision, you see his leg moving from side to side as he twirls his pen on one hand. "You seem to always have a lot of things to stay and yet, nothing."

"S-Sorry." You mumble, tucking a hair behind your ear. "I'm not good with..." You motion to the space between the two of you. "This."

"Ah." He nods in understanding. "It's alright. Although, I do want to say that I don't bite. So you can freely speak your mind here."

He flashes you a boyish grin that does wonders to your heart. You watch him run a hand through his curls.

"Do you even know who I am?" He raises his eyebrows expectantly before backtracking. "Well, to be fair I didn't introduce myself and I'm acting like a fucking bigshot or something. Not my intention at all!"

He raises his arms in defense, chuckling at his response. You smile softly at him.

"I-I know who you are," You reply. "It's just the name I'm having a hard time remembering."

"Oh?" He sits up. You feel his knee hit yours and you will yourself not to flinch as your body slightly tenses at the touch. "Well in that case. I'm Sebastian Sallow. ID 121."

"Ah, yeah," Your face lights up in recognition. "Yeah, I remember now— Sorry, I'm just really bad with names."

"It's alright." He shakes his head lightheartedly. "There's a lot of people in campus so I also have a hard time remembering as well."

Your hands fiddle with each other as you glance up at him. He still has his eyes locked on yours and you can't help but avoid his unwavering stare.

"... I also know who you are." He cuts the silence once more. You turn your attention back at him in surprise. You would call yourself delusional right now but with the way he's smiling at you, you can't help but assume he's being bashful for recognizing you.

You? Recognizable? As far as you were concerned, you were practically invisible to the public eye. Just an art student surviving on her own.

"Huh?"

"Um, we were classmates before actually," His grin is wide but uneasy. Like he's uncertain if saying this would ease the gap between the two of you. "On one of our graphic design courses? It was with Professor Garlick, if I recall correctly."

Oh?

"That 6 pm class back in the first semester?" You lean towards him, intrigued. He seems shocked at your sudden interest.

"Yeah. Miss loved your output and made a whole lecture about it." He recalls. You remember her praises about your final output. Gods. He was in that class? "Made a mark in my head for sure."

"That's embarassing." You whine in protest, palms against your face. He smiles in response.

"It was rather eye opening you know? A revolutionary moment for artists—"

"Stop please." You hold your hand out to stop him from further pulling you in a spiral downward to madness. He only smiles wider.

"For what it's worth, it was well-deserved to be praised and discussed for an hour and a half." He quips, teeth showing as he grins at your exasperated face.

"Has your friends ever told you you're quite insufferable?" You raise an eyebrow at him. Your voice holds a tone of teasing. He laughs in response.

"Don't remind me." He rolls his eyes, smile still beaming on his lips. "Besides, I was just merely telling the truth."

"Aha, right. Whatever makes you happy." You gently nudge his shoulder with the back of your hand. It was supposed to be a small innocent touch but with the way his smile fell and his eyes that immediately followed the motion of your hand, you could tell that there was something else going on in his head.

Before you could question it, he immediately recovers.

"Well, I still have three semesters to win you over." He sighs, dreamily. "I think that's a win."

"You mean a nightmare." You snort in reply. He laughs.

Your eyes glance at his crinkled eyes and face riddled with laughing lines as laughter bursts out of his lips. His laugh is melodic and something you could probably never get tired of hearing.

Your eyes widen at your thoughts. That was only a mere observation. Anyone sitting within a meter from him would also say the same.

Yes. yes. That's right.

"You're drifting again." He sits up and its the sudden feeling of his thigh against yours that snaps you back to reality. You gulp at the sudden add of touch and you expect him to move it away but he stays there. You huff out a shaky breath. "It almost looked like you were shitting yourself."

"Gods," You furrow your eyebrows at his words. He chuckles. "You're insufferable."

"That's one." He clicks his tongue under the roof of his mouth. You roll your eyes at his antics. There's a moment of silence before his voice slices through it once again. "Have you... Have you ever thought about what I said?"

"Which one?" You ask nonchalantly, fingers flicking through your notes. You pen taps on the paper as you await his answer.

"The one where I said I'm as bad as you with names." He speaks with a calm demeanor but his voice is hushed as if his words are reserved for you. You can't help but give him you're undivided attention.

"Um," You pause. "No not really?"

His eyes dart toward you in the corner of his eye before smiling that familiar boyish grin.

"I like to make exceptions." He vaguely says. You furrow your eyebrows, head tilting in confusion.

"Huh?"

"I already said I know you, Y/N." He chuckles. You feel butterflies roaming in your stomach albeit confused at his insinuation.

Before you could ask him what the fuck he meant by that, the professor calls out your group. Sebastian walks to the front with no hesitance and began setting up the presentation.

Just as you watch him work, the realization sets in. Heat immediately flushes your cheeks.

No fucking way.

You stand up on shaky legs before you walk to the front. Your eyes never leave him as you stand beside his figure. You were nervous, yes, but it also had something to do with the vague motherfucker beside you.

You were about to threaten him to tell you what, how, or why but as you lock eyes with the man beside you, he sends an adorable smile and small pat on your back.

Your face stiffens and you could only will yourself to forcefully stand beside him and await your turn on the presentation.

But there was one thing you deduced from all of this.

Sebastian Sallow from ID 121 is doing things to your poor little heart.

a/n: projecting myself on seb when i tried to flirt w my gf. might contain grammatical errors lmfao im so sorry IM FALLING ASLEEP AS I CURRENTLY TYPE THIS.

[autismnation]

ok so i just watched the movie split. and wow. what a shit show.

like it had a strong start, it seemed pretty interesting. im very glad 2/3 girls werent idiots and actually did what they could to escape. but the other one casey (idk if thats how u spell her name but im spelling it like that) was SO ANNOYING. idk it was probably her trauma or something but why did she literally not do anything??? she was all like “oh its not gonna work” and then as soon as she was on her own she got her ass in gear. what a team player 🙄 /sarc

speaking of her trauma, what even was it? i think she was raped or sexually assaulted by her uncle and then had to live with him after her father died, and she started self harming, i think. i understand that through the flashbacks but what were the other flashbacks even about? i know it was about hunting but considering the fact she didn’t even use the advice her father gave her, what was the point? like you really don’t need to show her love for her father because it’s a fucking given. maybe to show how innocent she was? idk still a given fact. like every child is innocent, most children love their dads. unless you specifically show her dad being an asshole, we’re gonna know she loves him.

on one hand, (i might be reading too deep) but it is very interesting to read this in an abused/abuser way. like the beast in kevin’s body is the abuser and hedwig, patricia and dennis are the abused and cling to the abuser because it makes them feel protected, even though the beast/abuser is doing harm (by fucking eating people). and then ofc casey, despite doing everything to survive when she was kidnapped and also running away from home, still ends up with her abuser (rapist uncle). that’s a cool thing to think about. i wish they went down that road instead of ‘ahhhh people with DID are big scary beasts!!!!’

and also i knew that this movie would not be respectful in any way possible. i didnt even want to watch the movie because i knew it would portray people with DID as monsters (crazy how i was right! /sarc) but my dad forced me to watch it lol. and like not only is it so disrespectful and contributes to the stigma around DID, it was so…lazy. like i thought it would be interesting to have the alters inside kevin fight or whatever (like some alters send the emails) and then at the end, the girls escape and kevin gets help. which i know is too hopeful of an ending. but it’s way better in my opinion from having some weird ass beast. why was it strangely catholic? its like the writers didnt know how to end it and just were like hmmm ok supernatural beast it is. and i spoke to my dad about this and he agreed that the beast thing was too predictable because they spoke about the beast too much. and what even was the beast. it was just the same guy but had like black contacts and prominent veins and blood from his teeth. not scary. i had to try hard not to laugh at some scenes because they were just so ridiculous…

also what was that weird thing where they mentioned dennis was a pedo then just…didnt bring it up again. dont get me wrong i do NOT want a movie about a pedo kidnapper, but this whole movie seems like a mess so i had to comment on how strange this is. like theres a few more details that are just mentioned then left and ignored but this is the one that irks me the most. oh, also the beast only left casey around bc it saw her self harm scars. what if she didn’t have any scars ?? big plot hole or the beast is just supposed to be dumb or something? like its all like “oh yeah everyone has to suffer to be ‘pure’ but if it doesn’t leave scars ur not valid and ill eat u 🤬🤬”

idk weird movie. only good part was hedwig because he’s funny and i feel bad for him. everyone’s acting was super good too. overall i would give it a wtf/10. jk like a 4/10, maybe a 5. also i hope its not just me who thinks this movie is crap. it had potential and it was thrown away.

[juyomiao]

NAURRR I FORGOT TO SCREENSHOT THE NOTIFICATION💔 but tumblr was being saur cute sisbissnks it was like

juyomiao has posted

we noticed they're one if your favorites❤️

or smthn along the lines of that and ACK IT WAS SAUR CUTE PLS JSBKSNSKSKA-

anyways idk if u can answer the first one but it's still cool hshshshs

✩ do you have/ can you give some not-so-spoiler spoilers for o.o? (hahajahs u made me obsessed w this and im not complaining)

★ your mtl biased member in cravity? (just ur preferences, u may put reasoning if u want :] )

��� fav/recommended tbz songs? (im really planning on stanning they seem fun ajajasjs)

★ *IF* w1 is really pursuing with the greek mythology shit, which god/goddess (there's a possibility) do you think bin is going to be? (and state ur reasons hshs)

omg tumblr being cute (unexpected)

☆ uhhhh idk how to give spoilers without spoiling everything so all i can say is what i alr said : its getting more angsty bc i like being cruel n ruining things 🤭 BUT dw it will have a happy ending and the funny elements of the fic r not going anywhere bc thats still the most important part to me

★ okay omg this is hard wait

disclaimer ofc i love all the members

minhee : he was my bias in x1 too so even when i didnt rlly stan cravity i still considered him my cravity bias lmao hes also the proof i have a 'type' when biasing idols bc . the minhee - younghoon - sunghoon trinity explains a lot abt it

serim : he was the reason i got more interested in cravity bc i was watching a cravity park episode n realized how fine he was so ,, yeah . kind of surprising bc he was one of the two members i didnt rlly know abt before stanning (i knew minhee hyeongjun wonjin n jungmo bc of produce n knew seongmin taeyoung n allen bc ppl talk abt them a lot) but im so insane abt him to the point something i said after seeing one of his pics became an inside joke in my friend group

seongmin : my bbg hes so cute n pretty n soft n i love his voice so much . n lately i've been wanting to eat him too .

hyeongjun : ofc knew him bc of x1/pdx n already loved him back then but now even more . in the nicest way possible hes insane hes not normal but thats exactly why i love him

this is where it gets more complicated bc i cant rlly rank them ? like probably woobin n then jungmo wonjin n allen more or less on the same level ?? like even i would expect jungmo n wonjin to be higher but . heres a fun fact‼️i watched produce without subtitles ! so i remember little to nothing abt it n had no idea what was going on ⅔ of the time !! bc i used to watch it when they livestreamed it on youtube n then was too lazy to go look for the subbed ep ,, then i got more attached to minhee n hyeongjun bc they were in x1 obviously

that was so long im sorry but u cant give me a perfect opportunity to infodump abt my special interest / hyperfixation n . expect me not to do it

☆ OHHHH OKAY so idk what music u like more so this list might be a bit questionable bc i like everything even noise music . but i'll focus on b-sides !!

walkin in time , only one (obviously , the queen who inspired my fic title) , melting heart , l.o.u , text me back , daydream , espionage , shake you down , scar , salty , goodbye , checkmate , shine shine , insanity , prism , kiss me if you can , hush , kingdom come (i'll never get tired of saying it , tbz were robbed on that bitchass show FUCK MNET) drink it , out of control , nightmares , merry bad ending , hypnotized , russian roulette , one dance , sweet , c.o.d.e , survive the night , levitating , awake , savior

tbz's entire discography is honestly perfect have fun stanning them u wont regret it‼️‼️

★ honestly idk😭😭 when i was younger (n we r talking abt 5yo until 14yo so it was . a while) i was sooo obsessed with greek mythology but my brain just . wiped all that information away😭 so i genuinely dont know

[transzilla]

True I think it is a real phenomena but it is a double edged sword and I don't think it's like people will immediately write you off for presenting masculine. Like it does vary from community to community so we can't really talk about it in like vague oh masculinity this femininity that. I really dislike this conflation between butches and trans males and gnc transfems as OHH MASCS because again it's not like this masculinity club, from group to group it's going to be a new can of worms just based on whatever people have going on. Like some groups might just be more chill with transfems, like maybe they had too many experiences with asshole trans men and they're bitter and take it too far. Still sucks but like everyone has their own reasons.

Like in a lot of discourse it's hard to put your own experiences out there because people are hurting and it's the internet so you can't really put a vulnerable time of your life out there to explain your reasoning because someone might come for u about it and insult the fuck out of u because they disagreed so thats y you see a lot of mascs talking abt "queer communities reject me for being masculine" without specification. Its just easier to use hypotheticals. But then u get people kind of running a little too far with it and its like ok what the hell did he mean by that nd we get other people to validate it and we come up with shit like transmisandry.

In my experience my gender expression as a like oooh hypermasc trans male it was only conditionally accepted by my immediate community. at the first like... mild discomfort i butted heads with someone then the jig was up because it was very easy to use my expression against me and sensationalize the idea that i "look scary" like people jumped to the conclusion that I was in the wrong because it was easier to admit oh well he's toxic he's overly masculine he's making me uncomfortable than to examine a situation closely and to think damn am I in the wrong here. Like if I was feminine they would have just found any other thing to demonize me because I was a transsexual male in the way.

This is a problem I think in these white college-y queer tumblr agoraphobe communities that really stoke the fire of being terrified of everything, which I do support like making yourself comfortable and dealing with your anxiety about men because you will not be making rational decisions if you just endlessly validate your own anxiety and that's a part of the reason why we still deal with so much transphobic crap in lgbt circles, too many ppl seem to be trying to win a race where they have it the worst and there's no way to get better and here's how they're being victimized by all these other people.

I do agree with getting people to be less neurotic about a fear of men, even tho like in very many cases it is correct! Like im not devaluing anyone's trauma, like I get it men are uniquely fucking demonic and we want spaces where it's like ah fuck now I can breathe. But at some point it really does not help with your own survival at all. to extend this to men that YOU allow into your communities, as well as all masculine expression, including what just you consider masculine which is absolutely not the case like.. You end up sounding and being transphobic, butchphobic, transmisogynistic, all that fun stuff.

Plus like some dudes really will just talk out of their ass and I understand the response is going to be just as gauche like haha what do you mean trans men are ALWAYS accepted for being masculine nobody is EVER going to pressure you into being feminine you suck etc. Like i really dont consider it transphobic to say other people have it worse who aren't men because like... yeah they do LMAO i don't envy any of that shit

my personal interest is management and that's really not gona happen if we r still holding onto a masculine/feminine boys vs girls dichotomy cus lije it really is easy to just see how people look and think that's all there is to it. Like what I consider masculine is going to be very different than what another trans male considers masculine and one lil tribe might have a problem with either one of those things. masculinity and femininity isn't real. Like it's easy to look at it like a kindergartener like grr these trans men with feminine expression are being treated better than me, it's because I'm masculine. Like ok that may be the case but you need to examine it more, are they treating you like shit because you're masc or because they are transphobic? Why are people more comfortable with trans men with feminine traits? How do these feminine men act and talk about themselves around these people? Like a lot of the time when that was the case where I felt like a outsider and it was definitely because I presented and acted masculine it wasn't that simple, it was because I worked with conservatives, it was because I had advantages they didnt, it was because they had a token idea of a trans male in their head that I didn't fit, I didn't let people walk all over me and that made them very fucking uncomfortable. Like it was easy to say it's cause I'm masc and in some ways it was true but A strong reaction doesn't mean oppression and if your community can't handle a masc trans male they probably have a myriad of other fucking issues that you don't have to and should not want to deal with. The beauty of that is like construction and finding new ways.

the point of my masculinity and male positivity posts are to underline that masculinity and manhood are seen as a threat or in direct opposition to queerness, and that often times in order to be seen as queer you have to be partially or wholly feminine or gender neutral, or express your manhood in a feminine or gender neutral way in order to no longer be threatening, invasive, or a problem.

it is very difficult to exist in queer spaces as a hyper masculine person & a man. you're made to feel like you need to walk a tight rope feeling like you're inherently out of place, as if you existing and being masculine or a man in queer spaces makes others uncomfortable inherently.. just know that when i make positivity posts it is to remind us all that masculinity/manhood and queerness are not opposites and that you do not have to be a feminine man or masc person to be viewed/seen/heard as queer.

chasing men, masculine people, and masculinity out of queer spaces isn't helping anyone currently and won't help anyone down the line. please accept masc enbies, butches, bears, and masculine trans men with the same kindness, love, and passion that you do neutral and feminine people. that's the point when i make these kinds of posts. thank u

[vang0bus]

hi!!! this is all in good faith and please dont take this as an attack (also sorry for my english LOL its not my native lang). i’m /gen curious about your response to this, im open to all any opinions that can push me to change my mind.

right, i just want to start off by saying that fundamentally bipartisan system in the us sucks and i get it. i also know its scary to think about republicans being the main power in electoral politics.

anyways… be it the congress or president, you are not really voting for people, you are voting for some kind of lobby. political system in the us is a money machine.

and whereas social issues (lgbt, abortion, feminism) are only used as chess pieces and can be pushed all over the board, left or right, and be freely used to create propaganda and keep fearmongering in order to gain more voters (as republicans certainly do), that’s not the case with anything that has to do with the economy or us financial and political interest internationally.

every president, and every party wants to preserve the position of the us as an empire. and that’s required of them. they need to preserve the empire, in order to have more influence, to stimulate the economy, to get cheeper natural resources.

the current genocide going on in palestine is a matter of million (billion? idk u guys use the numbers name in a diff way) of dollars. it’s not a matter of not supporting the genocide for them, its a matter of investment for them, thats will make them a LOT of money.

that’s why the only way to make sure democrats will never again support genocide again is to take away the electoral support! that’s the only way! because otherwise, the polls will show that the support of a genocide cannot stop them from making money!

and i’m sorry, i don’t mean to sound insensitive, but there isn’t a genocide going on in the us. not in a literal sense at least.

shit sucks, and i know that, but i think you guys HAVE TO survive a couple of years of a shithead in the office if that means showing a huge decrease of support for democrats, the only thing that will make sure that democrats elected in the future will not take actions to support a genocide lol.

anyways, i hope u have a good day <3 take care

you have some good points! and i want to establish that i'm not actually from the USA at all, so this is coming from someone whos looking at US politics from the outside. i agree that threatening to withdraw electoral support might be the only way to push democrats left -- my problem isn't with people telling politicians they're not going to vote blue unless they change their stance on israel. my problem is with people on this website encouraging other leftists to abstain and saying voting does nothing. let's be real, politicians don't look at tumblr dot com. joe biden isn't seeing what anyone says about him here. the only effect this discourse will have is making people unwilling to vote democrat even if the situation changes. even if it becomes clear that that would be the best strategy. not only that, but i'm already seeing people who claim to be leftist defending trump and claiming biden is infinitely worse just based on him supporting israel, as if trump would be any less pro-israel if he was president. let's be realistic, please. you know trump would be just as bad if not worse. vote for better candidates in the primaries; absolutely do threaten democrats with loss of electoral support. but if it comes down to biden VS trump or biden VS desantis again, i really do think it would be irresponsible to abstain or to vote third party considering the current political environment in the united states.

[icharchivist]

surprisingly i come to your askbox bearing a3-related thoughts instead of gbf. crazy i know. anyways i finished going thru conquering misoshiosa island!! my thoughts abt it are quite scattershot but i had a lot of fun. as i mentioned previously i almost went thru this event before starting autumn loll. was fun going thru the first bit again with autumn knowledge in my pocket now. the more i hear muku talk the more i want to sit and discuss manga recs with him. like in my heart i just KNOW he read basara. i've read a pretty large amount of shoujo so i think we'd get along.

it was pretty obvious muku and omi were gonna be the pair for this cg and like. i'm pleased about it. they're just such a good pair conceptually when u consider, like, definitions of masculinity and how it might apply to both of them.

azami regarding kazunaris flyers: damn. this is, like, needlessly impressive. what’s that quote about middle schoolers having the most accurate insults. this wasn’t really an insult but it really. Strikes Deep in a way only a middle schooler is capable of.

in any other situation i would gently tell muku that he doesn't need to panic about every eventuality BUT in this case i knew sakyo was planning on leaving them to fend for themselves so i was very glad for muku and omi's preparation. i think its really fun they watched that movie together.

kazu making an itinerary for literally just the trip to the island is sooo funny to me. like he must've known something was a little messed up. do u think sakyo gave him the info and kazunari looked at it, a little miffed that izumi's first instablam post was about spring and winter having a great time without them (and masumi liked the post first) and went. eh. sakyo can have his chaos.

juza bringing chocolate is very juza but him calling the chocolate "rations" is how u know muku and juza are related. love natsugumi teasing tenma abt being sleepless for this trip but like genuinely. its nice that he gets to like. Go On Trips now. like thats a thing he and misumi can do and its not rly something they got to do when they were younger!

i'm going to gloss over the bit with the monkeys where misumi can talk to them bc. i really.... they even acted to the guests in part 11 i do not think this had to happen. normally im all for a3 magic shenanigans so i dont know why this one didnt gel for me lol. anyways PSA wild monkeys can fuck u up so do be careful. don't get aggressive with them. i'm not an expert or anything tho.

the fact that running on the beach is part of their training makes me think sakyo has read knb. doesnt muku give sakyo manga recs? was that not a thing? anyways i think sakyo would read knb. he seems like the type of person to read it and be like. i dont think real high schoolers can go invisible or shoot sparks out of their eyes when they're focused. but i hope he enjoyed it. speaking og knb and a3 a hurrah for team friendship. i saw ur post abt it and like. i want a sticker thats like. I Survived That One Poll Where People Were Really Mean To Muku And Yuki For No Reason. muku and momoi was such a wonderful win to see with the art and propaganda and everything. and i was really rooting for momoi since her name literally comes from momoiro. i didnt actually know there was a knb a3 alliance until this poll but im very glad for its existence bc i love both things very much and theyre both very very dear to me.

was never worried for muku and izumi in the cave bc i Knew muku was doing a hansel & gretel with the way he was acting and i was glad to see it was buttons and not food so omi found them. i think its really cute that not only did omi rush off while people tried to stop him, a bunch of other people were ALSO trying to rush off and were probably stopped. makes sense it was omi who was able to actually do it tho. hes omi after all. look at how he handled banri and juza from day one. him showing muku the flower was so nice and the cg was SO CUTE like. look at those sparkling eyes!!! i also love queen of the night flowers... and im glad they got to go to a resort on the last day.

now some misc notes:

theres this part where taichi lies down in the sand and kumons like oh thats so nice! and lies down with him and i winced so hard like noooo dont u know... sand is just like glitter (Gets Everywhere)

i also just really like that muku is. for all that he berates himself for being weak and he wants to get like more stronger and prince-like and heroic etc. he very much doesn’t seem to correlate that with how he Looks Physically? (see: how he treats yuki) and like. that means so much to me.

finally i saw tenma being annoyed on the ship and island and stuff and. i just Know he complained during the trip and also to everyone when they got back but a year later he'll do an interview for some character that's very woodsy or like he acts as a castaway or something. and i just know he'll talk about how he was able to play the character well due to his own experience of staying on a deserted island… he'll say something abt how it was enriching and taught him a lot about coexisting with nature and some bs like that etc. and after watching that interview everyone in a3 will lovingly make fun of him for it.

YOO HEY THERE! always a pleasure, always no worries <333 a touch of cutesy a3 in the curse that is my inbox.

True i remember you almost read this one by accident ahah, at least now it's all in order again. You're SO right about Muku, he'd be a delightful conversation partner about manga and especially about shoujo. I'm sure you too would get along.

Also very good point for the CG yeah, they're conceptually a very good duo on that regard, they had such a sweet dynamic this whole time, and it's soft to see them with especially just this soft over a flower.

AKJDFMLDKMFLFD Azami and Yuki fit that description so well and now there's two of them. rip Kazunari.

Ah yeah, Paranoia is Paranoia until the day you're actually right. That's Muku right here. And honestly at this point, is it overthinking or is it a correct assessment of the type of person Sakyo is. Food for thoughts. But yess it's so nice they spent some time together to prepare it all.

FOR KAZU IT'S SO FUNNY. i have to believe that, yes, indeed. Especially also with like, how close Kazunari and Azuma can be as the two travellers type, and he knows perfectly what Azuma pulled last training camp. I trust Kazunari in putting two and two together while preparing his traveler log. Like he must have known. I believe in him.

"juza bringing chocolate is very juza but him calling the chocolate "rations" is how u know muku and juza are related." that's such a cute way to put it. YEAH IT'S SO SWEET FROM NATSUGUMI. and yeah i'm also team "always crying when Tenma and Misumi do anything that qualifies as a normal experience" considering their specific bagage about how little they could experience of the world bc of their families.

That's a fair point for the monkeys. It was totally buckwild but yeah this might have been a little too much in term of suspension of disbelief. taking notes for how to behave with monkeys in real life, we never know.

Oh my god a3xknb alliance real and it was thanks to Sakyo all along. And yeah Muku does give Sakyo manga rec. Also Kumon is really big on sports manga and him and Muku talks about this common interest a lot, so if it's not Muku, it's Kumon's fault, but also, i want to say it's Muku because it goes with OUR alliance type. Sakyo would indulge because oh well!

And god right. Team friendship…. and right :sob: remember when people were so mean for no reason. for the sake of cartoon's dogs. :(. but the alliance this competition around was so wholesome. i'm glad you've learnt of the alliance thanks to it now! it's honestly such a sweet phenomena i love it so much. I'm so glad you like those two so much that it makes it more worthwhile <3

Muku is such a clever survivalist on that regard. and Omimi finding them was so nice. the fact so many people wanted to rush to them really is amazing. And agreed, the CG and them being able to rest up really made it worthwhile <3

wow speaking about sand like a true Anakin Skywalker type… gotta give it to him. But yeah Sand does get everywhere. also speaking of sands, remember in the beachside event where Muku and Juza have to talk out a misunderstanding on the beach a way back? Muku then mentions "next time we should bring Kumon on the beach with us". It made me so emotional that the Summer/Autumn training camp was on the beach like that because i was just thinking about how much Muku and Juza wanted to have Kumon with them there….

agreed on Muku. And he's so cool this way :( that's a reason i really love Muku a lot.

and i lOVE what you say about Tenma. He'd complain so much on the spot, but give it a bit and he'll brag about how cool of an experience it was (especially since he was with his buddies) and everyone at Mankai would tease him for it. It fits them so perfectly.

as always, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on the event <3333 next is Guy's chapter!!! be hyped ;D

Take care and it's always a pleasure <333

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

Do you think of any way that mia and ethan could reconcile after the village, if he had survived ;-;?

T-T

the answer is making me sad but not for the reason u think because the answer is difficult

i dont think ethan would leave mia, but i dont know if he or mia would ever talk things out and be able to reconcile

that was like their whole thing… mia not letting ethan talk about things… lol…

theyd probably just go back to prentendjng everything is normal without discussing anything, except this time ethan is 10x more paranoid and afraid of literally everything

re7 was a big trauma that pushed them both together and after re8 ethan would probably be even more attatched to mia despite not trusting her, hed probably just cling to her even more considering shes the only one who might have experienced something similar

he loves his family too much to get a divorce (for rose) and loves his wife very much

its sad because shes bad for him and hes constantly left in the dark (i know she loves him she was still bad for him) (intentions r important but execution is even more)

ethan is stubborn, and i dont think he’d leave his family, where else does he have to go anyways….

but i think about what may have happened if ethan survived the village at all a lot

(bad news, all of the realistic scenarios r sad…)

[soleilnomoon]

CONGRATS ON 555+ FOLLOWERS!! THATS AMAZING!! AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO THROW IN A REQUEST TOO?? DONT MIND IF I DOO~

may I order a caramel mocha latte, with a konpeitō, a lemon drop, and a candy necklace? and maybe a dollop of whipped cream too? the name for the order will be Trafalgar Law from One Piece, please! 👉👈🥹🥰💕✨

omg thank you so much, i really appreciate that 🤭💛💕also thank u for your patience, this was a beast to write - law is impossible and i'm stubborn, but i finished it and survived (i hope u survive too) <3 please enjoy your sugar rush ༺♥༻❀༺♥༻

4.2k words (i know, i know), fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni, fluff (somewhere, it's there, believe me), a bit of angst bc i'm a sucker for that stuff, and a lot of smut; modern/office au (hope u don't mind), fake dating/marriage; law's a little mean but reader dishes it right back & has a solid bite, so it balances out, i think; also lots of pining and flirting, tiny bit of jealousy, etc.

“absolutely not.”

you place your coffee mug onto the counter and stare, wide-eyed at the tall bastard before you. trafalgar law is the most audacious man you’ve ever met, and even more so, he insists himself upon you whenever he can — almost as if he gets off on seeing you fly off the handle and mouth off at him. men who are handsome like him — dark, enigmatic, a force to be reckoned with if you’re not careful — are a complication that you don’t need in your life.

“a favor,” he says, leaning against the counter, towering over you in a way that makes you want to slap him, “and it’ll just be for one night.” 

again you stare, and shake your head, curls bouncing around in defiance, almost as if they too agree with your decision.

“no. i don’t know how many more times i need to say it for you to get it through your thick skull.”

you’re laying it on thicker than necessary, but the truth of the matter is, law makes you nervous. most people don’t; if anything, you’re the one who intimidates others. but him? you can’t accurately get a read on him, nor can you ever guess what he’s thinking. he always looks at you as if he’s figured you out, giving you sly smiles that make you want to dump your coffee on him daily. your friends say you overreact, your mother implies that there’s something going on between you two — made worse by the fact that law is too damn good at buttering her up with his politeness — and your coworkers are under the impression that you’re one argument away from fucking in the break room.

you don’t know which of those is worse.

“you’re being dramatic,” he counters, tongue running along his bottom lip as he considers switching tactics; you get distracted, stare at his mouth a little too long, which of course catches his attention. a smirk slips onto his lips as he leans forward. “i’ll make it worth your while.”

a scoff leaves your mouth faster than you can stop it. 

he presses his lips together and tries again. “let’s make a bet, then. if i win, you’ll be my date for my friend’s party.” a wedding anniversary of all things; a completely useless affair, but law is loyal to a fault, and he already said he was going and bringing someone. everyone else annoys him, except you; so naturally you’re the perfect candidate. it also helps that he knows you’re as attracted to him as he is to you — you’re just stubborn as hell.

“go on,” you say wearily and dump the remainder of your coffee out in the sink. “what happens when you lose?”

it’s not cockiness that drives him to say, “i won’t lose, but if it does happen, i’ll let you have one of my high profile clients.”

a lucrative deal, one that has you roll your bottom lip in between your teeth, and internally debate as you consider the slight possibility of you losing. on the other hand, if you win you’ll walk out with the satisfaction of beating law at his own game, and scoring another client; this might actually work if you put your mind to it.

“what’s the bet?” you narrow your eyes at him but lose a bit of nerve when you see the heated glance he sends your way; you busy yourself with rinsing your mug out several times over for some reason, the water cold enough to shake those pesky thoughts away from your mind.

law’s mouth curves into a devilish grin as he drops his voice. “i can help you with your,” he pauses, giving you a knowing look, one that brings a silly flush to your face, “little problem.”

if your rising blood pressure doesn’t kill you, his incessant teasing will. “what ‘little’ problem is that?” you’re already regretting this, but you’re too curious to not see this through. “whatever it is, i doubt you’ll actually be able to help, as useless as you are.” it’s not true, he’s far from useless, but you know that if you feed him a compliment, you’ll regret that too. 

“see that’s why your problem will never go away,” he sighs at that before continuing, “i’m talking about the problem where you can’t seem to cum no matter what you do.”

he has more to say, but you shoot forward and clamp your hands around his mouth — his foolish, stupid mouth — muffling the rest of whatever nonsense he wants to spew. “who told you that?” your voice comes out in a harsh whisper, which only makes him laugh behind your hand, his breath tickling your palm, your face growing hotter as you look around to make sure that no one else is around.

there’s no way he’ll reveal that, but you look so cute when you’re all determined like that.

law pries your hands off of him. “it doesn’t matter. so, what do you say?”

you have so many questions, but know if you hurl them at him left and right, he might be prompted to do something and you’re not prepared for what he has in store for you. 

“let me get this straight. if you somehow manage to make me cum,” your voice is so soft, he has to lean close to hear you properly, “i have to accompany you to your friend’s party.”

“it’s a simple bet, really.”

nothing about the bet is simple, but the point is that you’re fairly certain you can win this — if you remain strong, that is.

“fine.” 

you steel your face, hoping that your lip stops quivering so you can appear every bit as unaffected as you claim you are. he doesn’t buy the act, and leans forward, his face just a breath away, the tip of his nose grazing yours; you’re sure he’s going to kiss you and, on instinct, your lips part — you’d be lying if you said you weren’t curious or excited over the possibility. 

law tilts his head slightly, envisioning the satisfying checkmate that lies in his future, eyelids lowering, partially obscuring his amber eyes; you swallow thickly and don’t bother taking a step back. you know if you do, you’ll lose — and you’re not sure if the bet has started or not, but you need all the strength you can muster to survive. 

“wonderful,” he says, voice resonant — vibrating against your skin, another bothersome flush stretching over your cheeks, making it impossible to breathe — “see you later, then.” and then, he straightens up and walks away.

small, crescent-shaped indents appear on your palms from how deeply you sink your nails into your skin. it’s not anger you feel at him, so much as it is agitation with yourself. if only he could be a little more predictive, you’d have the upper hand. but, as you watch his retreating form, you realize, belatedly, that maybe — just maybe — you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. you don’t like the thought of that, at all.

you expect him to find you after work, but he leaves early; strange, but not entirely abnormal. to say you’re disappointed wouldn’t be untrue, but you have no intention of openly admitting that. the following morning, he comes in late, grinning and joking with the manager, loud enough to catch your attention. you carefully peek outside of your office, doing your best to look casual and inconspicuous; he feels you watching him, but since your attitude needs a bit of taming, he ignores you. 

normally, law finds a reason to appear at your office around lunchtime, always inviting you to eat with him and a few others — and, while you tend to decline more often than not, you feel a bit unsettled when he doesn’t come by. strange. very, very strange. on the third day you’re sure you’re losing your mind. he hasn’t spoken to you in 72 hours — you haven’t been counting, that would be absurd — which should bring you some semblance of peace and joy, but it doesn’t. 

disappointment makes your coffee taste sour. it sits in your stomach, hard like concrete, impossible to digest, and even more annoying to chip away at.

you think about the way he almost kissed you — and you were very sure he was going to kiss you, if you hadn’t been so opposed to him crowding routinely crowding your space — and the way your skin never fully recovered, a feverish madness taking over your mind, filling every crevice of your thoughts with images of him — his lips, his long fingers, the way he always seems to have some sort of inside joke with himself whenever he looks at you. 

it affects your attitude at work; you snap at your coworkers, refuse to participate in whatever menial meeting the manager tries to drag you to, and spend most of your day in your office. until you can’t take it anymore.

four days, that’s all it takes. he’s impressed with your resolve and even more impressed with the fact that you haven’t cursed him and his future descendants to hell and back for keeping you at bay. he knows that you’re like a dog with a bone, eager to investigate, determined to see things through immediately. but law is much more feline, and enjoys the hunt more than anything. he didn’t know how much longer he could keep away from you, but he’s very grateful that you’ve finally made up your mind about things.

you stomp over to his office on the other end of the hall, barging in, irritation prickling underneath your skin at the sight of one of the temp workers leaning over his desk and going above and beyond with showing him some simple graphs she put together. you don’t like the way her fingers graze his, don’t like the way she intentionally drops her voice to whisper something unintelligible at him, and you really don’t like how he glances up at you, a slow, amused grin spreading onto his lips with ease.

the other woman glances over at you, confusion etched into her pretty face; you absolutely detest her right now. 

“umm,” she starts, straightening up, eyes widening at the sight of you. her nervousness should be a sign for you to ease up a bit, but you don’t. “hi, i’m not sure we’ve met properly yet, but i’m—”

you glance at her for no longer than a few seconds, your indifference pushing you to curtly say, “move.” she stutters over her words, not quite understanding, so you say it in a different way. “get. out.” of the office, you mean. she doesn’t wait for you to say it again. when the door shuts behind her, you march over to him, lips fixed in a thin line, eyes blazing as you jab a manicured finger against his chest. the sight is plenty unprofessional, what with the top buttons of his shirt undone, his jacket draped lazily over the back of his chair, the sleeves of his button up rolled up and exposing his thick forearms. 

you try to ignore it all, but you can’t.

“you,” there’s nothing else you want to say, nothing else you can say; you’ve already scared off the newbie, you know there will be a memo or meeting about it later. but you don’t care; you really, truly don’t. “what is your problem?”

he supposes he likes this side of you best — the petty, jealous side, the one you try to keep hidden but can’t help but let out whenever you feel threatened in the shallowest way. still, he knows better than to say this out loud; he’d like to leave the office in one piece today.

“that was unnecessarily harsh of you,” he says in lieu of answering your question. you’re normally not that venomous, but for some reason, you felt compelled — jealousy is not something you deal with well, and you know you’ll need to apologize properly later, but you can’t think about that right now. all you can think about is somehow wiping that disgustingly handsome look off his face. law grabs your wrist, his long, tattooed fingers wrapping around it securely, the contact from his skin searing you, stirring a frenzy within you, making you want impossible things all at once. your breath catches in your throat the moment he pulls you onto his lap, your brain ceasing any functional capabilities as you straddle him, skirt riding up higher, exposing your thighs, your skin smooth and silky to the touch.

all your fight leaves your body as you concede to your desires.

“took you long enough to come to me.” he presses a single, burning kiss against the inside of your wrist, setting your body and nerves aflame. “four days is a long time, y/n… i’m not a patient man.” he really isn’t, but for you, he always will be.

you roll your eyes, do your best not to whimper when he kisses your other wrist, all your self-preservation and stubbornness melting away. “it’s your fault,” you say childishly, earning a quiet chuckle from him. “you said…”

he raises a brow at you, prompting you to continue.

your nerves almost get the best of you, but you don’t let them win. “you were going to—”

“make you cum, yes.” you’re taking much too long, and the softness of your body only makes it that much more difficult to concentrate on your words; he doesn’t bother hiding his erection, nor does he seem to mind when you jerk your hips against his when he kisses the palm of your hand. 

“god, are you going to make me say it?” you can’t believe him; if you had the energy, you’d slap him, you really would — but you’re tapped out, too hot and bothered to fight him anymore. 

“i’ve never been called god before,” he muses out loud, you narrow your eyes at him and he laughs again. “yes, i need to hear you say it.” because what’s the point if he has to do everything himself?

your throat constricts, face grows hot all over again, and you’re sure you’ll regret this later, but you manage to squeak out, “i want you.” it’s a confession that’s a few years too late, but he’ll take that over rejection any day. you forget that the point is to prevent him from winning his bet, but the idea of him touching you, of him making you beg, makes it impossible to do things the way you want to.

“now, doesn’t that feel good? to say it out loud, finally?” 

his arrogance knows no bounds, but you can’t continue fighting him, not when your body is at its limit. 

“stop teasing me, damn it.”

he really can’t help himself, but he supposes he ought to throw you a bone for coming this far. “sit on the desk,” he says, and releases his hold on your wrists.

when you don’t move, a hardened edge coats each word that comes out of his mouth afterwards. “it’s not a request.” you suppose you might as well listen, there’s no turning back at this point, and you want to get this over with — and prove to yourself that once and for all that you don’t actually like him, that this is a one time thing, and that you’ll be able to move on with your life afterwards.

you’re gravely mistaken, but you don’t know that yet.

he watches you scramble off of his lap and hoist yourself onto his desk, scattering the papers he was reviewing onto the floor. swiveling in his chair to face you, he tilts his head again, eyes darkening as you squeeze your thighs together. the way he unnerves you, the way he makes you want to act out, it’s so unsettling; you want to keep chasing that feeling until you’re certain it’s a fluke.

“do i need to keep spelling things out for you?”

licking your lips, you understand the silent command, tugging your skirt up higher and spreading your legs for him. for a moment, neither of you say anything, a charged tension hanging above both of your heads, making you light-headed as your breathing slows. it’s not like you want him to know, but it’s too hard to hide your arousal, especially with the dampness that stains the front of your panties. 

“take them off.” 

you don’t know what possesses you to listen, but you do, hook your thumbs underneath the lace band of your panties and pull them down slowly. because he’s so dedicated to observing you, he watches carefully, gaze sharp and hawkish, another flush crawling along your face, down your throat, spilling onto your chest — making it difficult to breathe again. he wishes he could capture this all on video, so he could revisit it later, because the sight of you, so vulnerable, practically trembling on his desk as your arousal seeps onto his desk, ruining one of the documents sitting underneath you. 

his laughter isn’t mocking so much as it is just thinly veiled amusement at your compliance; it takes on a life of its own and nestles itself inside of you, warming your chest, making your heart beat faster than necessary. 

law flicks his tongue against the inside of his cheek, his cock hard enough to make him want to fuck you right then and there; but, because he waited this long already, he’s willing to move at your pace. he runs a finger along your folds slowly, your irritation spiking at the way you melt at his touch, your teeth sinking into your bottom lip to stifle the insufferable noises that dare to come out of your mouth. he glances at you, disapproving of your choice to keep your true feelings hidden as he stands up suddenly. with his free hand he tugs your lip free, sucking his teeth at your defiance, hand gripping your face roughly.

“i don’t think you understand,” he says briskly, his finger running up and down your slit, a soft whimper prancing along the back of your mouth, tumbling into the air recklessly. “we’re playing by my rules, not yours.” you inhale sharply, eyes widening at his words, your whimpering steadily increasing in volume when he grazes your clit with the tip of his finger. “now,” his lips graze your jaw, breath warm and dizzying, “be a good girl and spread your legs wider.”

you do your best to comply, gasping when you feel him slip his finger inside of you — a welcomed intrusion that has you rolling your hips forward; his eyes never leave yours as he plunges his finger into you, your warm, tight walls squeezing, making him insert another finger in response. you let out a moan, one that you attempt to keep hidden, but his hand slides from your face down to your neck and he wraps his hand around it — a warning, of sorts, for you to behave. you’re not sure if it’s the taboo of fucking in his office, or if it’s just him, but your hips buck against his hand wildly, the fleshy part of his palm bumping against your clit with each thrust of his fingers.

the walls in the office are thick but not soundproof, and you don’t think about any of that when you repeatedly call out his name, his fingers scissoring inside of your throbbing cunt, your arousal dripping down to his wrist. he can tell you hate how much you’re enjoying this right now, which only makes him squeeze your throat — firm enough to hold you still, but not tight enough to bring you any lasting pain. 

“law, w-wait, wait,” you gasp and moan louder, a familiar buildup pooling in your lower abdomen, making your breathing erratic and your mind fuzzy.

“hm, i think i know what the problem is,” he says lightly, curling his fingers, wrist angling so he can reach a spot you’ve never had the pleasure of reaching by yourself. your subsequent cries are music to his ears; he smiles down at you wickedly, a third finger finding its way inside of your pussy. “you’re sensitive.” very sensitive at that. you don’t know what he means, but you don’t question it — after all, his fingers are commanding your body with ease and skill, and where you normally don’t push yourself past this point, possibly in fear of enjoying it too much, he doesn’t let up. law is every bit as relentless as you knew he’d be, finger-fucking you until your words come out garbled, your chest heaving as an orgasm nearly splits you apart.

“oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.” you can’t believe it, you should be pissed off but you’re not; you’re relieved. he works you through the orgasm and plucks his fingers out when you settle down. releasing his hold around your neck, he takes his time to lick his fingers as shame courses through you. and just when you think he’s done, he pulls you closer and finally kisses you. his tongue thrusts into your mouth, every bit as deadly as his fingers were; you don’t expect tenderness, but you’re surprised by the ferocity behind his kiss. teeth nipping at your lips playfully, you press your chest against his, hands reaching between you so you can unbuckle his belt and zip down his pants.

he didn’t expect you to take initiative, but he’s glad you’re on the same wavelength as him now. pre-cum slithers out of his slit, the head of his cock a reddish-pink, his length heavy in your soft hands. you’re not in the business of dragging things out, so you mumble against his lips, begging him to fuck you — so you can maybe carry on with your day without issue. because he’s such a benevolent person, he acquiesces almost immediately, lining the tip of his cock with your entrance, hands grabbing onto your hips as he snaps his hips forward and buries his cock inside of you. 

stuck in a trance, you lift your hips to meet his, euphoria wrapping around you — an exhilarating rush, magical and overpowering — no matter how many times you imagined this exact scenario, it’s nothing like the real thing. a thundering sound echoes inside of you when he pushes you down onto the desk and drapes your shapely legs over his shoulders. it has you calling out his name so loud that you’re sure the occupants in the neighboring building can probably hear you.

he pulls back before slamming his cock into you again, strokes long and daunting as his thrusts grow frenzied with each passing minute. you can hardly breathe, and he trails kisses down the length of your throat, tongue sampling your skin, enjoying the way you can’t seem to stop clenching around him. he moans against your neck, voice vibrating through you, and you sift your fingers through his hair, yanking when his cock hits a certain spot. law fucks you like you’ve pissed him off somehow, which confuses and arouses you; isn’t this what he wanted? to have you at his mercy, begging him for more?

but, what you fail to understand is that he’s mostly pissed at himself — pissed for taking so long, pissed for not being more frank and straight-forward with his intentions, pissed that you pushed him away when you both could’ve had this. 

and the soft pants that leave your mouth only makes him yearn for you even more; it’s silly, slightly obsessive, but he can’t help it. you’ll be the death of him, surely, but for now, he’ll enjoy this slow descent into madness. “you’re taking me so well,” he says smoothly, his mouth grazing the shell of your ear, “fuck… i don’t think i can let you go after this.” what he means by that is beyond him; it sort of spills out, a small nugget of truth he can’t afford to part with. he powers into you, over and over, your pussy puffy from the ruthless way he fucks you, and when you cum again he follows shortly after, panting, a light sheen of sweat coating his forehead as his cum thickly pours into you. 

you inhale deeply, hands clinging onto him, almost as if you’re afraid to let go; similarly he feels every bit as light-headed and drunk off of you. an impressive feat, one he can admit to freely. you’re not sure if he won because he made you cum more than once, or if you did for making him cum hard enough to make him reconsider things. still, you know just as well as he does, that there’s no coming back from this; you can’t simply act as if everything is fine, not when you’ve seen just how much you affect him. you didn’t know — or, rather, you chose not to know — and now that you’re cognizant of it, you’re hooked on him. 

not that he minds, it only makes everything easier; he’s sure that your coworkers are probably collecting on their bets now, after all, the entire office knows just how much you both liked one another. you sealed your fate when you walked into his office, and now that he’s had you, he’s definitely going to keep you.

[normal-thoughts-official]

because i always see ppl citing it as the "exception" to single LI books:

Dakota is annoying and boring as a LI, their romance was just as forced as any other single LI book, and WEH remains the only choices book i started and didn't even finish because it was genuinely so boring

this fandom is so boring now lol. can we start drama for fun? gimme controversial opinions again

[stargod]

Ok ok im tired of seeing every mention of bigbs betrayal being all the same takes over and over about either cleo and/or that he could have asked, so here are some other thoughts:

- the point of boogeyman, and technically the game at large, is to get people to trust u so theyre less of a threat. Technically bigb did exactly what the role was intended for, he basically just played the long con. The fact that he caught feelings cause he didnt Realize he was playing a long con just makes it that much juicier

- also how many people can say they Actually gained Cleo's trust? Bdubs. And MAYBE tango. And even then was it her trust they got or just her affection? Technically i think that makes bigb one of the best boogeymen so far.

- After all what better way to gain someones trust than to genuinely deserve it. Up. Till. The very. Last. Moment. (Not great for cleo's future trust endeavors, but that kind of works seeing as thats the one thing she doesn't need anymore...) (also another great foil moment to ren, who also gains trust thru actually deserving it- imo)

- consider why the fairies ultimately decided to stick with him. Theyve all been boogeymen. They Know the itch. They kno, even tho they Started by trying to kill outside the alliance, if push came to shove, EXACTLY how it did for bigb (he didn't immediately decide to kill in-ranks, he struggled the whole episode to find Anyone), they wouldve done anything as well.

- yes, if he'd told them, if he'd ASKED for help, push might Not have come to shove for bigb, but consider why he didnt. He was Terrified. He isnt like Lizzie, he specifically mentioned he doesnt kno how to build traps and there were several moments he Could have pvped that Could have failed. And he's not ren either. He doesnt have the leverage ren has, he doesnt have the repor that would help him trust others to Trust him. And hes not cleo, shes never been the boogeyman, she has no idea what she'd do (or wouldve done) let alone anyone else knowing.

- remember bigb telling etho he wouldnt kill anyone? That he thought maybe he'd just go to red? He almost did. Do you think he thought of that in those final moments? Why do you think he changed his mind? Maybe being boogeyman made him realize how impossible winning on red might be for him. Maybe he realized he'd rather take the risk losing a friend on green than not having the option of friends on red...

- And can we talk about his main ally being cleo? Cleo who, even when she had absolutely 0 reasons not to trust ren, refused to trust him. Shes willing to drop people. Shes willing to drop Anyone. Even when she Swore she would Die for tango and bdubs, she said it because she Believed they might ask. Because when the name of the game is last life, the only person you can Trust is yourself.

- I do believe that, in the last 5 minutes, if bigb had told her, cleo would have let him kill her. But if he'd asked for their help from the start the way ren did? If he'd told her on that ladder, or on the bridge, or maybe even standing over the pond having listened to them all jump aboard to help ren. I dont think it would have been the same.

- And maybe, maybe bigb didnt want to ask. Maybe in spite of the curse, in spite of every instinct to survive. Bigb might hoped, believed even, that he might fail to kill Cleo.

- Lizzie didnt think to disavow bigb. I personally think it just genuinely didnt occur to her, because real time rping and what have u. But she could have condemned bigb. It wouldve made sense. Cleo was angry that she was betrayed, if Lizzie had simply said i am also angry you got betrayed (and she seemed like she honestly was) if she had said why would i want someone i kno will betray their closest allies on my team (and why would she) she might have won cleo back, and cleo wouldn't have gone over to scott and pearl's and she wouldnt have gone red...

- martyn trying to exile bigb from the fairies without being a part of them

- the way martyn is trying to use ren to control the fairies, but he crossed the line. He's never been boogeyman, he didnt think ren would side with a traitor, maybe he should wonder just how much he Does kno about ren. Just how much power he really has.. (also, just, ren being the one to stick up for bigb And against martyn one of the people actually like the most 🥺🥺) (also martyn overstepping- over estimating what he can get away with >:3 get lost stinky boy!!)

-the shadow fairies are now entirely composed of people who have been afflicted by the curse

- not only did the only person to not experience the curse end up being the one to abandon ship now shes a red name

- (listen, writing isnt my strong suit, but i feel like red names v boogeymen make for an interesting dichotomy, like red names are almost more "natural" and harder to come back from, where the boogeyman is practically a virus and people who have it are still green names, they still have the chance to "remove" the curse and being red is still the most terrifying threat)

- mix that with cleo's general self-riteousness (affectionate)- "i have the RIGHT to kill, now, youre all just TRAITORS"

- i think cleo pointing out to ren that she knew if push came to shove ren wouldve betrayed her or bigb was really important to ren sticking up for bigb afterward

- yes theyre perfect foils for what happened- the difference between being transparent with ur allies and having help v not and ending up being Forced to betray.

- But Cleo Was right and ren Does grant that if skizz hadnt worked he wouldve been short on time and even Lizzie may have requested he kill one of their allies rather than lose her guard dog

- even tho bigb was in 3rd life he was forced to make way less difficult decisions, mostly cause he was just less confrontational, he has less experience with that that than ren, he was SCARED

- he was Scared his allies didnt care enough about him to help. He was scared he had the one ally on the server most likely to drop him for even being remotely a threat. He was Scared that he didnt have what it took to pvp or trap or beguile!

- and if u just take even a moment to consider "why DIDN'T he tell anyone after they spent literally the whole episode Helping ren", u realise the answer couldve very well been.. "well, im not ren" maybe he felt like more of an outsider than ren, more expendable.

-bigb cast himself out of the alliance before they ever had the chance to. By staying on the outside, he never had to know if they would turn their backs on him. And the fact that they decided to stick with him after it all, when he thought they might really cast him out. Looked inside themselves and realized that bigb was Not an outsider- Not a Betrayer- that he was in fact, just like them- scared and afflicted and feeling completely alone. I think this could make their alliance way stronger than the others, and possibly even make ren more resilient to martyns whispers (although evidence points to no on that one)

- i do think, tho, bigb needs to find something more substantial to tie himself to them fast though. "We have all had to deal with the fear of betraying our friends now" is not exactly the most substantial post to tie your bonds to. But i think just making that idea stronger by Being more transparent moving forward could do the trick. Making it less "we all have almost betrayed our friends" and making it "we are not the curse that made us do that" maybe? Might could help? And by being honest- not vulnerable but honest- moving forward could have that desired effect, exactly...