#two bad bitches getting me through covid

[conshirtoe]

I’d like to give a quick shout out to my two favorite ladies at the moment. Give it up for Extra Strength Tylenol and 2048!!

[impishcupid]

things i didn’t know before starting T- A master post of my own experiences that I didn’t see anywhere else! They might have been out there, I just didn’t see em

1. Bitch U Stank

Your smells not only get stronger, they change. I was a stinky boy during first puberty, but I’ll admit I’m not as stinky in second puberty. That being said, the smells are ABSOLUTELY different. My BO used to smell like weed mixed with onions, now I couldn’t even begin to tell u the smell I got goin on. It IS much easier to control with deodorant this time tho!

That being said, your genitals will also change in smell. Mine began to smell more semen-like (despite using condoms while having sex), as well my feet began smelling different too. This is normal!

2. Hypersexuals be aware, not beware!

Pre-T, I was SUPER hypersexual. Genuinely one of my worries was that I was going to be too horny all the time after T, because it was a problem pre-T. This is both true and false, and if you have an understanding going into it, you’ll be able to have a smoother ride then I did! (Giggity)

I’ve noticed my sexuality follows a solid week-long pattern now. Two to three days after I do my shot, thats when the Dirty Thoughts start a-comin and so do I. The first couple months, however, admittedly sex drive was much higher, but otherwise fairly consistent and manageable. Once you get through the first 6 months, it all evens itself out! Those months, however, are still manageable, believe it or not! You’ll find yourself exploring things you didn’t think you’d be into before, or maybe casually thinking about sex more often, but in my experience it’s not as bad as people make it out to be.

3. Bitch ur DICK

For some reason it never crossed my mind that when I grew my own chia pet penis, I would be uncircumcised. This means that once you have some growth to your dick, you’re going to have to clean it. Gently pull back your hood and get a cleanin’, but don’t make my mistakes! I’ve found a damp piece of toilet paper is the easiest thing to use so far, despite it taking a bit longer.

DO NOT USE Q TIPS THAT SHIT HURTS SO BAD.

you’ll notice that your clitoris has taken a more penile shape, which is fantastic! But if your dick is anything like mine, right under the head you’ll have this bright red little line which is basically the seam connecting the head to the shaft. Proceed with caution here! Our penises are far more sensitive then a cis mans, and this is the area where it shows. This area is typically protected by the hood and head of your dick, so it would make sense to be unbelievably sensitive!

4. Is it covid, or am I becoming a man?

When your voice starts to deepen, and the cracks start coming, you might notice you have a sore throat. This is normal! None of the cis men around me let me know that “hey, yeah your throat is gonna be sore” until I was about 3 covid tests deep and about to go to the doctor. I recommend some tea and honey, or straight up honey, OR whatever your go-to sore throat remedy is!

Additionally on voice, you will still have to train yourself to talk in your new deep voice. Your average day-to-day voice WILL deepen, and you’ll hear from everyone who hasn’t seen you in 3-6 months “omg your voice is so deep now!” (/pos), but if you’re out in public and wondering why people are struggling to correctly assume you’re a man, it might be because you aren’t using your voice as deep as it goes!

(As well, you get a back-up “extra bass” voice, which is FANTASTIC for when people scream at you from a moving vehicle.)

5. Wait, when did my dad grow a beard?

Seeing as both my mom and my dad can grow beards, I figured i’d be smooth sailing and growing a beard rather quickly. Now, almost a year in, I still have one mustache hair named Phil with some darker upper lip, but no facial hair! If you have the access, reach out to your parents or whomever may have this information to get an estimate of what age your father or grandfather started growing facial hair. Turns out my dad couldn’t grow his king luxurious beard until 18!

6. what does it feel like?

do you have medical anxiety? Have you greened out too many times or been on one too many bad trips? Worried that you’ll take testorone and feel some kind of body or mind altering effect? I’ve been there brother!! When you administer your dose, you feel nothing but the needle or gel. I was worried i’d feel wonky in the head, or that it would give me some other effect. The only time I have ever felt a change directly after injections, is when I was late on my dose. Being late on a dose can make you feel depressed, tired, or the time I had a headache for 3 days straight, but about 5-10 minutes after injection I felt my energy bump back up to normal, or i finally had some goddamn peace from that headache, but that’s it! There is nothing to worry about!

And that’s the things I didn’t know going into being on T! I only covered things here that I didn’t see in other “going on T” master lists, so if you’re wondering why the common stuff isn’t here, that’s why! This is absolutely open to other trans men or transmascs to share their experiences on T that they didn’t know going in, and please reblog so pre-T transmascs/trans men can be informed!

Happy trails, brothers!

[tvfangirladdict]

Rant about all the Bi-Buck Arc hate surfacing.

Made the mistake of scrolling through comments on Instagram surrounding 911 and the cast.

I need to blow off steam, so this is gonna probably start harsh.

While there was so much heartfelt appreciation for Buck's storyline, the negative comments kept stealing my attention. I'm so tired of hearing(reading) that people think the whole show is ruined because two grown men kissed. Like, get the fuck over yourselves already. You don't agree with the relationship, you're just gonna have to deal with it the same we've dealt with Buck and Eddie's half-assed, flat, forced heterosexual relationships for the last 7 years, okay?

They all want to justify their biphobia/homophobia by saying that it's "forced" or it "doesn't make sense," or that they "never saw Buck even hint at it and it's just pandering to fans." Like, bitch, welcome to real life. If you're a real fan of this show, and you watched from the beginning, you know Athena and Michael's marriage ended first thing when he came out as gay. A muscular, "straight", black guy with a wife and two kids who'd been in the closet/denial his whole life, came out to his family, and none of them saw it coming, even if they might have suspected "deep down". This shit happens every day, okay? They're all mad cause "if he was gonna be gay, they should have made him gay from the beginning". Why? So you could form your opinion of him based on who he's attracted to? Why does this bother you so much. You were okay with it when it was Michael and Hen cause you knew from the beginning and they were your token gay characters that you've just learned to "put up with" to appease the rainbow crowd.

And it's not even the ones who are just straight up, like "it's wrong"/"it's a sin"/"it's gross", etc. that bother me the most. It's the "I don't care, you do you, but don't shove it down my throat", people that make me mad. Why is simply witnessing a queer person or relationship "shoving it down your throat"? Y'all realize they exist in real life too, right? Like, personally, I have family, friends, co-workers, bosses, who are all apart of the lgbtq+ community, and I'm from a smaller suburban/rural area of Ohio. Those are just the people in my life who are out. Why is seeing them represented in modern media so bad? This isn't covid, it's not fucking contagious. If it was your brother, your cousin, your best friend, would it be okay then? Both of my brothers have only ever dated women, but if one of them came out and said "hey, I think I might like guys too," I'm not gonna throw a fucking fit and invalidate them by telling them it's not possible because they've only ever dated women. No, I'll thank them for trusting me, and gush to them about boys because I never had a sister to do that with.

Every time I read those comments, all I can think is, you just proved that you're not a safe person to be trusted if someone in your life wants to come out.

Just, how do you give up on an entire show after one kiss? And then claim that you don't have a problem with it? You can't have it both ways. If it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't react so strongly and so negatively to it. 911 and ABC's intention isn't to question your sexuality. You don't have to worry that you're suddenly going to have to kiss Buck too, okay? Chill.

The whole "Buck has only ever slept with women" and "suddenly he's gay" responses are exactly why this storyline is so important. So many people to this day refuse to acknowledge sexualities outside of straight and gay. Why is it always, "made gay"? It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can be both, or neither.

I say this with the experience of having a mom who's still in the "I don't care as long as I don't have to see it" camp. If seeing it upsets you, you've got a problem. If it really doesn't matter and you're cool letting everyone be themselves, seeing two men together should be just as accepted as a man and a women together. Unless you're also saying we need to stop portraying men and women in romantic, sexual relationships together with kissing scenes or more graphic ones, then you can't rule with a double standard. Me and my mom loved watching Teen Wolf together, but any time there was a scene with Danny kissing another guy, she'd get uncomfortable. She even told me once, that she didn't think they should show scenes like that but she wasn't sure why when watching het couples together didn't make her feel the same way.

Safe, sane, and consensual. As long as they follow that, and are happy, why can't you just be happy for them?

If you're old enough to have been following along with this show, you're old enough to know that everyone is different. And life as an adult is about opening yourself up to the outside world and learning about what makes people different. From race to religion to sexuality to nationality and beyond. Your views, beliefs, ideologies, etc, are not the only ones that matter. Getting and giving acceptance goes hand in hand.

I get it to a certain extent. Coming from a different time and all that, but it just means you've had more time to learn. Being stubborn and holding onto what you were brought up in doesn't mean a whole lot to me if you refuse to open your mind up as an adult to look beyond yourself.

Okay, I'm done now. That felt chaotic, but I feel better. If you've made it this far, thanks for coming to my TED talk☺️

[acknowledge-reigns]

Somebody truly had the nerve to say Roman has never had to deal with or wrestle with injuries/set backs in his career and that he "could never power through like C*dy did with his torn pec". First of all, comparing how these two athletes deal with injuries is big fucking weird but since we're going there and I take my role of #1 Joe Anoa'i defender to heart what I'm not about to do is let y'all set up here on this internet and make it seem as if my Tribal Chief ain't ever fought through shit because this man is a WARRIOR, do you hear me???

(HE'S A TWO TIME LEUKEMIA SURVIVOR SINCE Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TO FORGET HE KICKED CANCER'S ASS TOO.) Generally speaking, not just that situation but in many others in Joe's life, some of your faves would have folded. (especially those two yt men that run from company to company when they don't get their way) . Really this ain't shade to C*dy, I give him his props for powering through injuries and shit too. Most of these superstars have. And saying some of them would probably fold (hell, I would. Most of us would.) Isn't saying they're weak. I'm saying Roman is a badass on a different level and you can argue with your momma or with the wall on that one, not me.

List of injuries/illnesses known to us throughout Roman's career -

Back + Hip injury 2023 (Sumerslam, v Jey Uso.)

Ruptured Ear Drum 2022 (Survivor Series, v Kevin Owens who surprised him with a spot that was not planned and resulted in the injury. There however is no bad blood between the two.)

Had COVID 2022 (https://www.espn.com/wwe/story/_/id/32974962/roman-reigns-wwe-biggest-star-tests-positive-covid-19-scratched-atlanta-event)

Lingering affects from COVID 2022 (due to being immunocompromised https://www.fightful.com/wrestling/roman-reigns-discusses-his-covid-experience-says-he-still-feels-chest-tightness)

Shoulder/Arm injury 2022 (Wrestlemania 38, v Brock Lesnar)

Reveals Leukemia treatment side effects (including Nausea and arthritis in arms and legs, mentioned in 2019 and 2020 interviews. Ex. https://www.leukaemiacare.org.uk/support-and-information/latest-from-leukaemia-care/inspirational-stories/roman-reigns-wwe-cml-and-me/#:~:text=Previously%2C%20Reigns%20revealed%20to%20the,in%20terms%20of%20being%20sick.)

Knee Injury 2019 (Hell in a cell tornado tag with Daniel Bryan, v Erick Rowan and Luke Harper.)

Second battle with Leukemia 2018

Eye injury, required stitches 2018 (after 6 man tag match on RAW https://www.wrestlingnewsworld.com/wwe/roman-reigns-gets-stitches-raw)

Shoulder injury + Cracked ribs 2017 ( RAW, v Braun Strowman)

Shattered nose + Surgery 2016 ( v Triple H. See attached article https://www.wwe.com/shows/raw/2016-02-22/article/reigns-surgery)

Needed stitches May 2016 (live show, see photos https://www.wwe.com/worldwide/gallery/roman-reigns-receives-stitches-in-melbourne-australia-photos#fid-40042095)

Head Injury that required staples 2014 (https://youtu.be/OYMce1GDiDc?si=KtbVybtoQVr7FKDL)

Emergency surgery for Hernia 2014 (which he wrestled for some time while dealing with, see WWE.com article herehttps://www.wwe.com/shows/nightofchampions/2014/roman-reigns-breaking-news)

This list does not include FCW injuries, football injuries or his 2007 leukemia diagnosis durring which he was unhoused with a child on the way. And these are just the instances we know of!

Say what you will about Roman in kayfabe but do not minimize the struggles Joe has been through or his resilience. And if you're a Roman "fan" buying into the the rhetoric that he hasn't faced any adversity then as my dear friend @love-islike-abomb says, Please "Go whistle in the woods". IYKYK.

Oh and while we all here...

Acknowledge him, Bitches ☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾.

[millionancientbees]

Man today fucking SUCKED. Got half an hour of sleep before school, whatever, can handle. Had to walk a distance with my left knee constantly trying to slam out of socket while I was getting fully fucking soaked by freezing rain only for the person I was supposed to see to not show up. Spent the next?? 8?? Hours on campus soaking wet and freezing cold, had to eat outside and try to avoid the rain bc no one masks and I’m immunocompromised and also in a bubble with two people with cancer and fucking every other person I saw today had a cold or flu or Covid symptoms or whatever, no mask on, just coughing on everyone. My depression is disabling rn also and I’m dealing with complicated family feelings bc a family member I used to cherish but cut off when I got kicked out at 19 died of cancer and had a funeral today. This was all shitty but manageable, I am used to being very uncomfortable, whatever. I was prepared to make it through my evening class and go home and shower and bitch a lil and then reset.

But then in the tail end of my class I pressed on the side of my neck and something popped very painfully in my back. breathing hurt very bad, moving my shoulders hurt worse, turning my head was awful, and I had some numbness in my right bicep. I assumed it was my rib subluxing, but the person I was going to see tonight is a paramedic who has put my ribs back in countless times, so I was like whatever I’ll just be in very bad pain for a little while and then I’ll be okay. They’ll fix it.

They did not in fact fix it. They felt my spine and said they thought I needed to go to the er or the ortho urgent care an hour and a half away that has knowledge about EDS because my spine felt very wrong and they were very concerned. They said if it felt like this from anything else they’d be taking me to the ER immediately ; it felt like the spine of a kid they’d seen recently who had fallen out of a window and probably broken something. I said no and I’d just try to get it back in throughout the night with gentle movement and a muscle relaxer. They massaged the muscles that pull my ribs and scapulas out of place hoping it would help.

It is not 1:30 in the morning and I am regretting my decision. I would do depraved things for some pain management. 😭 I’ve broken a vertebra in the past and this feels like that and I am not happy because I didn’t fucking DO ANYTHING. Ugh.

[lyledebeast]

It's been a minute since I've written a post about The Patriot, but what better time than the next to last day of the year while recovering from covid?

A while ago, another parallel between Benjamin Martin and the titular character in my old, bygone fandom the BBC Robin Hood occurred to me. How many times does Robin threaten to throw in the towel on being the peoples' savior for reasons that range from his love interest being murdered to some townsfolk having the audacity to hold him responsible for the consequences the Sheriff of Nottingham doles out to all of them in response to his actions? A lot of times across the show's three seasons, it turns out. And it would be one thing if the point being made was that no one can save the world alone. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and has to rely on their friends to pick them up. Considering that every time Robin quits, it is a friend who brings him back, that would be an excellent point to make. But it's not. It's Robin's name on the tin, and the show never lets us forget it.

Although "the patriot" technically refers to Martin's son Gabriel, it is Benjamin who is consistently presented as the movie's hero even as he is ready to give up every time something he failed to foresee happens or his solution to a problem does not immediately work. He gives up on reasoning with ALL British officers after his efforts with Colonel "Fire the house and barns" fail, resulting in massive carnage. He gives up on mounting any kind of offensive against the Green Dragoons when sends everyone home after arriving too late to save one family. He packs up to go home again after Gabriel dies. His momma raised a quitter for sure.

In some respects, the series is more grating because the arc over which the complication arises, the hero throws in the towel, his friends talk him out of it, and he eventually triumphs plays out in multiple episodes with no variation. But, there is another comparison to be made between the two. In Robin Hood, Sheriff Vaisey and Guy of Gisborne are both trying to increase their own power and wealth in different ways over the course of the series, and Robin is foiling them. Catching Robin is not the end goal for these antagonists that catching Martin becomes for Colonel Tavington. And Tavington, unlike his historical inspiration Banastre Tarleton, never gives up in all the months he spends in this pursuit. His response when General Cornwallis berates him for his failure to deliver Martin is simply "Thus far."

The final fight between him and Martin provides a particularly stark contrast. Tavington, by that point, has been violently thrown from his horse (deceased) and shot in the arm by Martin, not to mention that he is still recovering from being shot in the side by Gabriel a few days earlier. He doesn't care. He picks himself up, literally. He tells himself "Be Gay and Carry On," or "Keep Calm and do Crimes," and he attacks. Initially, he and Martin are evenly matched, and Tavington takes some more damage. He decks Martin in the face and slashes him with his saber. Martin, outraged, head-butts him and stabs him in the tit. Again, Tavington doesn't care. He is a bad bitch, and this is a typical Tuesday in the British Army. He rallies and slashes Martin on the back and legs and . . . that's pretty much the end of the fight as a fight.

(I must make an aside here that I was adamant at the outset of writing this that as soon as Tavington touched Martin, he was done. Martin was How Very Dare You? Don't You Know Who I Am? and just falls apart. That isn't quite true, but he certainly doesn't have the resilience of someone who has not had triumph handed to him again and again. Rewatch the source material when you write meta, folks.)

After punching Martin in the face and slashing his arm, Tavington, who has been fighting with only his saber up to this point, drops to one knee, picks up the bayonet that eventually ends up going through his neck, and rises with a menacing grin. Apparently, he wants to be evenly matched with Martin more than he wants to take advantage of Martin's loopiness from having been hit for the first time in twenty years with something more than an emotional blow. The slut. Of course, what also happens is that he gives Martin an opportunity to recover that Martin certainly does not give him (conduct of a gentleman be damned). And as we all know, it's certainly not the last time this happens.

Both of these low-pain-and-disappointment-tolerant heroes have the reputation of being great fighters, but I feel confident in saying Robin deserves his far more. Pretty much every time someone gains the upper hand over him, that person is fighting dirty. In The Patriot, let's be honest. Benjamin Martin is the dirty fighter here. He is very good at jumping out from behind trees to kill people who didn't know he was there one second before, but he sure as hell can't take a hit. Ultimately, his triumph is even more annoying than Robin's for several reasons. Robin's longsuffering, under-appreciated friends are usually able to get his ass back on track before peasant casualties accumulate iirc. Martin's inaction contributes significantly to the movie's very high civilian body count. For this reason, along with his being a bitch of a completely different kind than Tavington, Martin does not deserve to be bailed out of situations where he is so ready to embrace defeat. Moreover, I think Tavington deserved a little bit of triumph. Not too much; he is a child-murdering war criminal. But he deserved to take Martin out with him. He certainly worked a lot harder for it than Martin did.

[scribble-scrabbles]

Writing Prompt - A Blind Date

My phone buzzed on the comforter beside me. I shot it a glare, hoping to frighten it into silence, then curled tighter under my blanket and refocused on my latest true crime drama obsession. A few moments passed and I relaxed, thankful for the reprieve. It was my only day off between two long stretches in the Emergency Department, and I would be damned if I spoke to anyone today. In fact, I may not even leave this bed. 

Bzzt bzzt. My phone echoed a few minutes later. 

I studiously ignored it again. Another minute passed.

Bzzt bzzt. A few second pause. Bzzt bzzt. Followed nearly instantly by another buzz. I growled and reached for it. 

“This had better be good.” I told the tiny, plastic monster. 

An alert for four unread text messages from Val Spencer, my best friend from work, sat on my home screen. The phone buzzed once more in my hands, bumping the total up to five. I rolled my eyes as I flicked through the text messages.

Hey, are u up?

I’m kind of in a bind and I need your help. 

Are you ignoring me?

Bitch?

It will be fun!

I snorted and considered ignoring her further, but the phone buzzed with a call this time. 

“Go away.” I groaned in greeting.

“Oh shut up, you don’t mean that.” Val said, using her perky voice. “Have you been ignoring me?”

“Yes.”

“Bitch!”

“Yes, now you’re mad at me and you’re going to leave me alone right?”

“Yeah absolutely not, I need you.”

“No one needs me today.”

“Look, I know you just worked a bunch in a row but…” Val trailed off, obviously knowing this was going to be a hard sell.

“And you know I work a bunch more starting tomorrow….” I mimicked her tone.

“I know, I know, and I will owe you a massive favor.” Val said hastily.

“Pretty sure you already owe me one or two of those.” 

“Pretty sure that goes both ways, sister.” She snarked. “Listen, Tyler and I had a double date planned tonight with his best friend and Nikki backed out on me last minute.”

“Absolutely not.” I nearly hung up the phone right there.

“But it’s for a concert I have been dying to see for months! She got Covid, it’s not like I can tell her to suck it up.” 

“Tell someone else to suck it up, Valencia.” I emphasized her full name to let her know I was serious. “ I literally cannot. I don’t think I can even force myself out of bed.  I just pulled three twelve-hour shifts and yesterday was absolute hell. I’m staring down four more on the other side of today, and I just can’t.” “Mikayla Reynolds, I need you! If I can’t get anyone else to come on this date then Tyler is making me cancel the whole thing.” Her voice was earnest now. “I have been wanting to see these guys  in concert for as long as I can remember and this is the first time they have ever come close to this shit-hole town. The only reason Ty agreed to go was so we could try to fix up his friend, and if I don’t find someone he’s going to refuse to go at all. I’ve called six other people already this morning, and you’re my last hope.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Please?”

The earnest need in her tone finally cracked me. 

“Where am I going, when do I need to be there, and what am I wearing?” I sighed, dramatically. Val squealed in delight and started giving me instructions. 

We were meeting at 6 at a restaurant a few blocks away from the theater where the band was playing downtown. It was a typical rock concert and the restaurant was casual enough, so at least I wouldn’t have to try and be fancy. I swung my legs off the bed and then sat for a moment with my head in my hands. I hadn’t been exaggerating, I was absolutely bushed both mentally and physically. Yesterday had been critical patient after critical patient, and absolutely nothing had gone my way. We had lost a young patient, which was always hard on the entire department, but I had also had to deliver some really bad news to several really nice people over the past few days. The level of bad juju had been substantially greater than normal, and it had taken a toll.  I needed the mental break and the emotional break. But, I supposed I just had to put on my armor for one more day and pack the exhaustion away for another day. 

Still, it took a few moments to shift my mindset from “borderline panic attack” to “let’s just get through this” - which was longer than I typically needed  to ground myself.  I tried not to think about the last few days or the days to come, and instead focused on the possibility of actually having fun, which felt improbable but perhaps not impossible. 

“So much for a relaxing day to recharge.” I grumbled, putting my phone on  the nightstand - and got to work. 

*****************************

At 5:45, I pulled into a parking deck about halfway between the restaurant and the concert venue. I checked my makeup quickly in the rearview mirror, reapplying some light lip gloss before getting out and gathering my purse and texting Val that I had parked.. I walked the two blocks to the restaurant, which turned out to be somewhere between an actual restaurant and a sports bar.  At least it was casual. 

Val met me at the door with an enormous hug. I was happy to see we had dressed similarly in jeans, a logo tee, and a light jacket against the fall breeze. Her blonde hair was flowing in ringlets down her back, and I tried not to get my fingers tangled in the long stands as I extricated myself from her grasp. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She chanted. “I promise, I’ll make this up to you.”

“Doubtful.” I grumbled. “But, it’s good to see you happy.” 

“Well, let’s see how you like Jake, shall we?” Val said with a wicked glint in her eyes that made me wonder if she really had called six other people before me. She slid her arm through mine and began leading me towards the back of the restaurant. “You know I don’t like anybody but you, kid.”  I smirked at her and patted her hand on my arm. 

“Alright, Mikah, meet Jake, Ty’s best friend from college. He’s a computer-something at the engineering firm where Ty works.” Val had stopped in front of a dimly lit table in the back corner of the restaurant. She gestured at a vaguely masculine looking figure that was mostly hidden in the shadows of the table. “Jake, meet Mikah, my best friend and the best damn physician assistant in  our emergency department.” 

The figure stood then, extending his hand and stepping into the light so that his features were finally illuminated. My breath caught in my chest as I took in his tawny hair, stylish black plastic glasses, and soulful brown eyes. Eyes that were uncomfortably familiar, and looked equally startled to see me. I stared at him for a beat too long before recovering and taking his hand to shake. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I said, hating the strain in my voice. Val nudged me with her elbow and smiled reassuringly, taking my moment of pause to mean attraction and not recognition. He gestured to the seat beside him and I joined him in the shadows, which I welcomed in the moment.  As we sat, he squeezed my arm. When I glanced at him he shook his head ever so slightly, and I took his meaning immediately. They don’t know. 

My heart slammed in my chest as the last few days came rushing back. My brain froze for a few moments, replaying the last time I had seen him with his jaw set determinedly in the ER, masking any emotion that may have tried to surface. I was mentally stuck in that last conversation, paralyzed with what to do now that a person I never should have seen again was suddenly here. What had it been, two days ago? Three? They all ran together after a while. 

He squeezed my arm again, snapping me back to the present. My mind raced, catching up to the present and realizing all over again that he hadn’t told anyone he had been to the ER, much less what he had learned. My heart ached and a rush of emotion suddenly lodged in my throat. He was here and also didn’t want to be - didn’t need to be - and he was begging me to play this cool. I looked back at him, barely able to make out his eyes and gave him a quick nod of understanding. I flipped my arm over and gripped his from beneath and returned the squeeze, before dropping it. Your secret is safe with me. 

Technically, his secret had to be safe with me. He had been my patient, and it would be breaking a federal law for me to say anything.

But, then it struck me, shouldn’t his friends know so they could be there for him in the coming days and weeks? Didn’t I also have an obligation to Val and Ty?

I glanced back at him and saw his eyes still on me. My vision had adjusted some and I could now make out the tight crease of his brows and set of his jaw. He was terrified and I alone had the power to put him out of his misery. 

“Earth to Mikah.” Val kicked me underneath the table, snapping me back to the moment. I looked across the table and was relieved to see that the shadows obscured most of her and Ty’s faces. I hoped that meant ours were as well. “Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

“Do I ever listen to a word you say?” I snarked, returning her kick playfully.

“Well, that’s true.” “Besides, I’m exhausted and you drug me out into public anyway.” I grumbled. “I’m sorry, Jake, I may not be the best companion tonight.” 

“Hey, anybody who gives it back to Val is already top marks in my book.” He said, all traces of worry removed from his brow.

“Yeah, we’ll get along fine then.” 

“Anyway, what were you saying, bossypants?” I returned to Val. “I was asking if you knew anything about this band.” 

“Of course I know this band, I play them in the doc box all the time. It’s one of Johnson’s favorite playlists.” I said, referring to the dictation area where I sat with an attending physician during our shifts. It was a little removed from the nursing station, which allowed us to play music and have more discreet conversations without being overheard by patients.  Johnson was one of our younger attendings who worked way too many hours and ran on caffeine and sarcasm - which basically made him my twin.

“Oh God, you don’t think he’s coming do you?” Val said, sounding stricken. 

“Pretty sure he’s working.” 

“Oh thank God.” She said with a sigh of relief. “What’s so bad about him?” Jake asked.

“He’s an asshole.” Val said.

“He’s just surly.” I defended him. “He’s really not bad one-on-one. I think he might be fun at a concert.” 

“Well, I’m glad we don’t have to find out tonight.” “Do we have to talk about y’alls work?” Ty grumbled. “Do we have anything else to talk about?” I quipped. Ty was not my favorite person, but I tolerated him because Val loved him and he was good to her. 

“We could talk about our work.” Jake suggested. “No thanks, I don’t want to take a nap and miss the concert.” Val laughed.

“Same.” Ty said. “So, Jake, why don’t you tell Mikah a little more about yourself.” 

“You don’t have to drive the conversation, Ty, this isn’t a dating show.” Val scoffed. “We can talk about whatever we want.” 

“We could always talk about all the ways Ty is an asshole. That’s always fun.” I said, gleefully.

Unfortunately, Ty was rescued by the arrival of our waitress. “Is this everybody?” She asked.

“Yes.” Said Val and Ty in unison. “Okay great! My name’s Jess and I’ll be serving you tonight. What can I get you guys to drink?” “Water.” I said. “Can you tell me what’s on tap?” Ty asked, and I stopped paying attention to the conversation after that. I glanced at Jake out of the corner of my eye and saw him studying the menu. His finger tapped restlessly against the plastic and I could see his knee bouncing just a little bit, but his face was a mask of indifference. He was definitely as nervous as I felt. I took a breath and forced my own leg to still. While it was difficult to see details in the low lighting, I noted the pallor of his skin and the slightly increased rate of breathing. I wondered if Val had noticed, but I doubted anyone would at this stage, unless they knew to look. 

My mind whirled back to the moment I saw the results of his CT scan. My heart dropped and I had retreated to the “panic room” part of my brain, where I only go when it’s bad. I’m not allowed to feel anything in there, so all of my decisions become purely clinical. I cannot care for a patient if my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces like a normal human - none of us can in emergency medicine. If we let ourselves feel everything we should feel for every single patient, we couldn’t function. All of that hurt and pain had to go somewhere. Still, it was hard to do, especially with someone my own age. 

I had made a few phone calls, ensuring there was a plan of action - either admitting him to the hospital or rapid follow up after discharge. No one would admit him, but they did agree to follow up the next day in their office. I had taken a few moments in the empty dictation room to organize my thoughts and steel myself before going in to deliver  the news. “I know what’s wrong with you.” I had said, taking a seat next to the bed. Jake was sitting on the bed, scrolling through his phone, but utterly alone, as he had been throughout the entire visit. When I spoke, he must have sensed my demeanor, because he immediately put down the phone and gave me all of his attention. “Well, that’s good.” He said, trying for some levity. “I already have a follow up arranged for you, and I’ve made sure it’s written down for you so you know where to go and when.” I said, not wanting to dodge the subject, but knowing that once I said it, he wouldn’t remember anything after the diagnosis. I had to get that in first, or else risk him forgetting. “What is it?” He asked, his hands now fidgeting in his lap. I took one last deep breath. “There’s a large tumor in your colon.” I said, voice shaking just a little bit. “It’s very concerning for cancer.” My voice steadied after a beat. “There are also several spots on your liver that are very concerning.”

His hands fell still, and I saw his eyes glass over just a little bit as he took it in. His mind was retreating, panic was threatening to set in, and I had to get in the rest while he could understand it.

“I have a follow up scheduled with oncology tomorrow morning at 9 am. I’m sorry, I tried for today but  they were booked. I also have a follow up scheduled with gastroenterology the next day, and the general surgery the day after that. It’s all written down for you, including phone numbers and addresses. Make sure you give them to whoever is going to be helping you, so they can help you keep up with it all.” 

He nodded, numbly. I knew I had already lost him, but I had to say the rest. “Try to get a planner and a binder so you can keep all the appointments and follow ups in one place. It’s also handy to have all of your paperwork printed and with you, just in case the doctors aren’t talking. I printed out your labs and imaging reports from today and put them with your paperwork, so you can have them.  It’s a whole lot of information very quickly, and having it printed to help you remember is critical so you don’t miss appointments and so you can be sure you get everything you need.”  I paused, and he nodded again. “Is there someone I can call for you?” I asked, tentatively.

“Um, no.” He shook himself a little, coming out of his stupor just a little. “No, that’s not necessary.”

I hesitated a few moments, giving him some time to think. “I have to go get the rest of your paperwork together. I know this is alot right now, so I will come back in a few minutes to answer any questions that I can. I’m not an oncologist, so I may not be able to answer all of your questions, but I will do my best. Just know that whatever the oncologist says tomorrow is probably more accurate than anything I tell you today.”

I sat with him in silence for a few moments as he stared at nothing, eyes unfocused. I knew that look, and I hated it when I had caused it. “I’m so sorry.” I said, and heard the wobble come into my voice just a little bit. I slammed shut the cracks in the panic room in my mind, caging the sorrow before it could leak out and make a mess of everything. “I wish I had better news.” I wanted to tell him that he was young and healthy and give him some sort of hope, but I also didn’t want to lie to him. Metastatic colon cancer at 38 was bad news, no matter how healthy they were otherwise.

I stood up and moved to leave the room. “I will be back in a few minutes. Please let us know if we can do anything for you in the meantime.”

I left the room to find his nurse hovering outside his door. She started following me back to the doc box on the other end of the department. “Fuck.” said Katie. “Just…” she paused, then said with more emphasis. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” I said, twisting my lips into a sad smile. “Yeah, it’s bad.” I sat in my chair and put my hands over my head. “It’s really bad.” “What stage?” She asked, chewing on a fingernail. “Optimistically? Stage 3.” I said with a sigh. “But, realistically, probably stage 4.” 

“So he’s gonna die.” She said flatly. 

“We’re all gonna die eventually, Katie.” I said, smirking but rapidly sobering. “But yes, he’s probably dying more quickly than he should.” 

“Fuck.” She said again. “Yeah, that’s pretty much the only word for it.” 

“Only word for what?” asked Dr. Williams, strolling in with a chart in hand and taking his seat next to me. “My 38-year-old with stage 3 or 4 colon cancer.”  I said with a sigh, twirling my chair back to my computer. He put down the chart and turned to stare at me somberly. 

“Fuck.” He said.

“See?!” Katie said, gleefully, then sobered. “So what’s the plan?” 

“I have to finish his discharge paperwork, but I have all of his follow ups scheduled for the next three days.” I said, handing her a pile of paperwork with a note on the top that listed times, dates, phone numbers, and addresses of the clinics he needed to visit. “When I finish, I’m going to go back in and see if he has any questions.” “How did he take it?” She asked.

“Stoically.” I said, honestly. “He just stared off into space. I asked if we could call anyone for him and he said no. He’s been alone this whole time too, unless you saw someone I didn’t.” She shook her head in response. “Well, then I guess he’s taking it alone.” 

“He’s going to need someone to help him.” Williams said, alreadying clicking away on his computer. 

“Hopefully he has someone and they just couldn’t be here today.” I said with a shrug. I couldn’t let myself worry about that. Except now, it seemed, I did have to worry about that. Because he sat beside me now, anxious and probably overwhelmed. I bet he hadn’t told anyone about anything yet, and so he was taking all of this alone. The emotions that I had kept in the panic box pounded at the door, but I fought them back down. I still had three more shifts to get through before I could let them out. I couldn’t risk an emotional melt-down in the meanwhile. I needed to speak to him alone, soon. I glanced around the restaurant, looking for an excuse. I saw a sign for the restrooms pointing in the opposite direction from our table and thought that was as good of an excuse as any. I tried to make eye contact with Jake, but he was very purposefully ignoring me, looking at the menu that he was now gripping with white knuckles. I tapped his foot under the table and cleared my throat. Val and Ty stopped talking to look at me. Jake turned to look at me. “I’m going to run to the bathroom.” I said, scooting out from my chair and gesturing to the sign. 

I was walking away when I heard Jake say, “Actually, I think I need to go too.”

Subtle, kid. Real subtle. I thought.

I followed the signs around a corner and into a narrow corridor that passed around the kitchen. We would be well hidden back there. I only had to wait a moment until Jake found me. As he rounded the corner, I was struck by how young he looked and how healthy, despite being somewhat pale. The sharp outline of his glasses accentuated his deep brown eyes, which I realized had some small flecks of green in them, as he grew near.

“Jesus Christ, I am so sorry.” I said in a rush, as soon as he was within ear shot. “I can make an excuse and get out of here as soon as possible. I know I am the last person on the planet you want to see again.” 

He stopped and cocked an eyebrow at me. 

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you again?” He seemed genuinely confused, and for a moment I was afraid I had confused him with another patient.

“Um,” I was taken aback. “Well, I don’t think I’d want to see the person who told me I have…” I looked around quickly and dropped my voice to a whisper, “cancer.” 

“It’s not like it’s your fault.” He said, leaning back against the wall across from me. “You just happened to be the one that found it.”

“Oh.” I stammered, then recovered. “You just looked like a deer in the headlights when you saw me.” “I could say the same about you.” He countered. I shrugged. We were both quiet for a moment, before he said in a voice so soft it was difficult to hear, “Nobody knows but you.” 

I stared at him for a moment. “Wait, nobody as in ‘not a single person’ or nobody as in not Val and Ty?”

“Nobody as in nobody.” He said, returning my stare. “And I intend to keep it that way.”

“What?!” My question turned into more of a squawk.

“Nobody needs to know. This is my problem. I don’t want to bring anybody else down with it.”

“You don’t want to…”I began, then shut my mouth. Where did I even begin here? “Jake, this is a lot. You can’t hide  this from everyone forever.” I paused again, and tried to choose my next words carefully. He must be in denial. “You don’t need to do this alone.” 

“But, I do.” 

“No, I mean, you can’t do this alone. It’s too much for any one person. You need a team, a support system. Didn’t oncology talk about this?” I asked, flabbergasted. “They did, and I told them I would think about it.” He held up a hand before I could speak again. “But this is my fight and I get to choose who I tell and when.” I paused and really looked at him then. His jaw was set, muscles twitching and his hands were fists at his sides. It struck me then that this was a type of coping mechanism. Everything that happened here was out of his control - except this. And now I was here to threaten taking that control away even further. I deflated.

“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, meeting his eyes. “I promise.” 

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“We should get back before they get more suspicious.” I said. “Val is already going to know something is up, so I’ll just tell her you and I had met at a party for my ex boyfriend a few years ago.” 

“Yeah, except I don’t really do parties.”

“Well shit, me neither.” There was another beat of silence. “Any ideas?”

He crossed his arms across his chest and tapped his finger on his watch, thinking.

“How about a half truth?” He finally said. I cocked an eyebrow at him. “As in, I met you in the hospital a few days ago when I was there with my sick aunt.” 

“Yeah, but then Val is going to pepper you with questions about your aunt.”

“Well, I actually have a sick aunt, so that should be easy to answer.” 

“Oh.” I paused, then nodded. “That…could actually work.” 

He smirked at me then, and it struck me that he was actually quite handsome. That turn of his lips caused the corner of his eyes to crinkle, and his eyes sparked with mischief. “I’m good at stories.” He said with a shrug. “You mean you’re a good liar?” I quipped, smirking back. “Guess I had better watch out then.” 

“I don’t make a habit of it, if that’s what you mean. But when I do lie, I know how to be convincing.” We turned and started to walk back to the table together. There was no sense in hiding that we knew each other.  But before we cleared the corridor, I caught his arm and pulled him to stop.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I asked, searching his eyes. “Because I really don’t mind leaving. I get it.”

“No.” He said, and actually smiled at me, the crinkle returning to his eyes. “No, I’m honestly kind of relieved to have someone who knows.” The smile faded. “I guess that means I’m not completely alone.” 

I smiled then. “No, I guess you’re not.”

And with that we returned to our table to begin our blind date. 

[onlyjaeyun]

UMMMM ZADIE CHAP 19?!?!?! ok ok let’s discuss the angst first bc poor riki :((( he didn’t deserve to go through that, but hoonie being there to comfort him and be with him even after that whole thing happened was rlly sweet ngl🥺🩷 and then riki and yn talking about what it would be like if their lives were different absolutely broke my heart like they literally only had each other :(( but i’m so glad they have the boys with them now bc you can tell they’re the best thing to ever happen to the two of them (maybe not sunghoon for yn right now but i know this character development for the both of them is going to be sooo good🤭🤭)

OK AND NOW ONTO YN AND HOON’S TEXTS???? OMG?????? i had to take multiple deep breaths while reading those bc sunghoon is being so bold running his mouth and omg this is something i need to get used to😭😭 (the way i’m writing this ask with sunghoon’s weverse live playing in the background where he’s wearing glasses also isn’t helping like im actually going crazy)😵‍💫 i love how they’re like “hate” flirting but also giving into each other like that’s just so 😮‍💨 just the thought of him eating her out in his car is also making my brain go insane i need to take a walk around my room again

AND YN POSTING THAT HOT AF OUTFIT ON HER STORY WITH SINGULARITY AND BAD BITCHES STAN TAEHYUNG AS THE CAPTION YUPPP I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT‼️‼️‼️

so it’s been 2 days of me being isolated in my room and i think i’m going delirious like i’m so bored😭 but luckily i still need to catch up on some en-o’clock episodes so that’s helping time pass by quickly!! i’m feeling a bit better today, definitely better than yesterday, but i’m hoping to fully recover soon bc covid is no joke😭 i hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself as always baby!! stay safe!! sending a big kiss your way my love💞✨💋

- 💌

HI ANGEL BABY 🥺🥺🥺im so so so relieved and happy to hear that you're doing and feeling a tiny bit better, am also glad you're resting well and aren't pushing yourself too much your body needs this and you deserve this little break so much, so take it easy pls 🥺 so glsd you've got smth to keep you busy and have the time pass by faster!!!!💗💗

the whole riki situation really is such a big heartbreak like he's trying so hard and always has and he deserves nothing but the best my baby :( they really deserve their found family i love them so much ;(( just thinking about hoon hearing about it and instantly going to look for him makes my heart weak THEY CARE SM ABOUT EACH OTHER 🥺🥺🥺🥺💗

YOU AND ME BOTH BABY I LOVE THIS NEW DYNAMIC BC THEY HATE EACH OTHER BUT THEY WANT ESCH OTHER SO BAD LIKE OKAY SIR HELLO TENSION ???? im so glad you guys enjoyed this chap sm bc i was a little unsure about it at first, thank you sm for all the love baby 😭😭💗

CH!YN ALWAYS SPEAKS FACTS: BAD BITCHES STAN TARHYUNG IKTR 🤭🤭🤭🤞🏼

thank you for this baby, i love and appreciate you so much and am wishing you a speedy recovery, take care of yourself!!!🥺💗💕🎀🫧

[foxfairy06]

HIIIII poookkksss its ollie, u banned me so ill yell at you on tumbllrrr <33333. YOU ARE A JOKKKE. "No cause i literally got diagnosed on the phone but ok hunn go off". okay sure, seriously doubtful because you could lie over the phone... did you know that... bet you didnt. anyway. like thats your reply to what u actually have to do to get a diagnosis, so your over the phone shit is actual bullshit. like its not covid no reason to do that, and also they need to see you in person and have you explain how your feeling aswell as your movements and the way that you respond to questions to get a diagnosis, or they will ask your family and friends or your teaching if they have noticed behavior that is needed for your diagnosis. so BULLSHIT BULLSHIT :333. Telling me to touch grass, god you so basic oml. also calling me a hypocrite when your a literal exclusionist , which you get to decide what is and isnt in the lgbtqia+ community is hypocrisy. from the merriam webster "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings" and something you said in our messages, "The basis is lgbt topics. It's meant to be a place for lgbt exclusionists to gather" you say you support ppl of lgbtq but if they dont meet your criteria or if you dont think their queer you exclude them. thats hypocrisy. anyway hope you actually get the help you need so you can WAKE THE FUCK UP for you stupidity <3 which i will continue to state because my proof above proves it <3.

-ollie p.s you are still a ball of sperm we all are its not rude its a literal fact

p.p.s if you bring up what i said in the server here is a message i sent to you "i was spewing BULLSHIT" which you know is because i am a troll and i was gathering dirt on you pooks

p.p.p.s i have screenshotted all of out chats <3 karmas a bitch she is coming for you.

Karma for??? Being a good person? I didn't say anything rude, homophobic, or bad to you so you have no actual leverage here. That's like saying "i took screenshots so karma is coming for you<3" to the poor child you just harassed that eas being respectful and kind to you the whole time.

For those who don't understand, green text to the rescue!

> be ollie

> be sitting at your moms computer, bored

> decide your life isn't angry enough

> create an entire Tumblr spewing radmed shit thinking transmeds will follow you

> find a transmed with a server

> start saying super homophobic shit and harass everyone

> get muted for being homophobic and transphobic and harassing people

> message all the mods and call them names for muting your

> admit you were trolling then scream and cry at the owner for being transmed while calling him names and making strawmen and adhominem

> get banned

> still be a pissbaby who can't stop being angry with his life

> decide touching grass is too much

> go leave a novel of an ask under the owners Tumblr that makes several assumptions and zero sense then question their means of diagnosis.

For those who don't have context, i am trans, I am duosex, I went to a therapy place for free, and saw a therapist. He immediately started going through the criteria for dysphoria because I asked but we ran out of time. So I'm getting my diagnosis finished over the phone. It took me two appointments and $0 to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis. So stop acting like this is difficult or hurting anyone.

It's not hypocrisy to provide a safe space for a group and exclude people. You would provide a safe space for enben that has binary people in it? Because they aren't enby. Thus they don't need that space, and could fuck it up.

You're the hypocrite calling me names and crying and screaming at me calling me crazy. Seriously get some help. Therapy is an option. If you don't feel safe in your current mental state you could always check in at an ER and tell them you need help. You could also look around. Many places provide therapy for free. Utilize these resources and stop harassing strangers online. I hope that goes well for you.

[chemicaljacketslut]

back in that post 10pm state uh oh….. it’s not as bad this time but. made the mistake of rewatching some of bo burnham’s inside and it just took me back to covid lockdown times. i mean all you mentally ill bitches know how it feels to nostalgically yearn for your lowest points. i guess it’s something to do with familiarity; i for one hateeee change, even when positive, so it makes sense i’d be a little uncomf not being depressed. i can’t remember a life before depression; i’m so much better now, but sometimes i miss it, because it’s my childhood. it’s what i’m used to and what i get nostalgic for. i haven’t had a bad episode that’s lasted more than a day or two in a long long time, but sometimes i do really miss waking up for the millionth day in a row realizing i’m in a bad episode and thinking there it is again, that funny feeling… sigh. that being said, i don’t actually want to go back anymore. i used to get nostalgic for my depressive episodes and really want to go back, but now i don’t. more than anything, when i feel like this, i just feel proud of how far i’ve come and optimistic for how i’ll feel in the future, although in a sort of bittersweet way. like, it’s nice that i’m better now, but at the same time, my depression won’t ever go away fully; i’ve just learned to coexist with it. and on top of that, this pride is definitely a little isolating, however much i don’t want to view it that way. thinking back on all i’ve gone through makes me feel a stronger connection with all the people in the world who have struggled with mental health, like some kind of post-war camaraderie. and at the same time, it distances me from the people in my life whom i know haven’t experienced the same type of struggles i have, even if they’ve had their own mental health struggles and they’re just different from mine. because they’ll never be able to truly understand my struggles. you know? i feel like this sounds conceited in some way, but i really don’t intend it like that. everyone has struggles, and just how they won’t fully understand mine, i won’t fully understand theirs. it does make me feel a little weird though bc i don’t think i have anyone in my life right now who’s gone through depression the way i have. i used to when i was in the thick of it, where i had friends both irl and online going thru the exact same struggles i was. but i’ve drifted away from all of them in one way or another. it’s weirdly isolating and comforting at the same time to think about, because while no one i know right now understands, i know there are so many people out there who do, and i have a bond with those people forever despite never knowing most of them. idk. those are my midnight thoughts for tonight and something i’ve been ruminating on a little lately.

[meera000]

Crazy smells lately

day 1

Obviously i appreciate and cherish all of my senses equally but i feel like i overlook smell the most. i think for me it's a three-way first-place tie between sight touch and sound, and then smell and taste are a two-way second-place tie. if i had to rank them that is — i've been faced with that question a maximum of two times. that being said, the first time i got covid i was like if i lose my taste and/or smell i will kms. didn't happen thank god.

anyway. committed voluntary overstimulation by going into le labo this morning. now i am back in the hotel room and i smell like their paris exclusive vanille 44 perfume and it's giving me a headache. this is just like the time last spring when i put on my usual fragrance before going out — margiela replica by the fireplace … need to try something new i fear — and it gave me such a fucking horrid headache that i had to go to bed early. i like perfume just fine. sometimes it is totally too much though. and, like, i want to understand le labo, because everyone who is cool likes it, but i must have tested out like 10 of their perfumes (8 on paper, 2 on my skin) and i did not like a single one. the only way i can describe how i feel about it was that everything smelled wrong. too strong in an industrial way. i can't come up with a better word. i walked out feeling like i was covered in soot.

and like i'm not even trying to be contrarian here!! i tried so hard to like it! it just didn't do it for me.

tomorrow i am going to go to dover street parfums market. surprisingly i have never tried out any of the cdg perfumes, ironic bc it's my favorite. looking at the brand list on the site rn. little nervous but we will see how it goes.

a couple of my friends work at the aesop downtown which is near where i work, and i should probably go visit them. but i am worried that i just won't understand again. at least i will get a discount.

day 2

hit dover street parfums market. layout was crazy imo. it was like a very clean maze. i left overstimulated … surprise !

i don't have much to say. everything looked cool but i was overwhelmed. lowkey i blacked out. i have only a couple of formulated thoughts which i will share next.

guys i think there is something wrong with me … i didn't love any of the cdg perfumes either. i did like concrete the most, and cdg2 knocked me out in a bad way, but i was just like oh my god for most of it. i don't know what's going on!! i tried out the replica perfumes they had and those were the only ones i actually liked. have i been conditioned by maison margiela to only like their fragrances?! am i going through a phase??? is it ok to not enjoy perfume?!

ugh i need to get into perfume more because i have no idea what i'm talking about. i need to be able to recognize what smells i like-- in the winter i like to be warm and in the summer i like to be fresh, but i need to learn to pinpoint specific smells. hopefully i just smell good naturally too but my biggest fear, more than rejection and being forgotten, is smelling bad and i feel that i have to wear perfume to feel some sort of control!!

now i'm all like, why does it even matter if i don't like any of these dsm perfumes? obvi i want to signal to people that i know what i'm doing -- i am a bitch who loves fashion and has a coherent style whatever, and also a deep love of external validation even tho i am also confident in myself. so it shouldn't bother me if i don't fuck with a cdg perfume because regardless i still have my shit together. i can't let the perfume wear me just because of its brand! and yet here i am like nooo what's wrong with me. i need to take a nap

dspm

[jessielefey]

if you put up some bullshit "none of this US court bs would be happening if only hillary" posts, i'm unfollowing you.

i don't hate you, this is not a manipulative threat or a *punitive* action, I am not *blocking* you.

this is a merely a boundary declaration so that you're not confused or anxious worrying about what you did if you for some reason notice. on the list with covid/climate change denial, israel apologism, and fucking terfs of Things Which Will Literally Make Me Sicker to have to spend even the minimal effort of "registering the post's topic and then skimming as fast as possible past it" -- although those other ones *are* blockable offenses and this just makes me grind me teeth until I get a migraine, not write off your morality entirely.

but it's factually inaccurate in a way that is bad for my stress levels to have to wade through. honestly, regardless of whether I choose to pick a fight on it or not, they're both equally bad ends for me and I do not have the constitution right now to be putting myself through that.

fucking tell people to vote, sure. emphasize how general elections are about harm reduction not purity or whatever. I'm with you; everyone wants to stan bernie but nobody's willing to *learn* from him. you wanna bitch about the quality of candidate? you should, but you needed to do it two to six years ago when they were getting nominated. you gotta vote *more* not less, you gotta organize and mobilize on the local level. there *are* things that can be done but none of them can be done *four months before the goddamned election* so put up and shut up and focus on the topical problem right now. all good and valid points which should be pounded into people's thick heads, absolutely.

but don't rewrite history to do it, your weird delusional borderline gaslighting centrism isn't helping anything*, you're just making the people you're *trying* to convince immediately tune out, and you really really need to convince them.

and *I* really really need to not be dealing with that bullshit on my dash. I am too busy trying to stay the fuck alive because Joe Centrist wanted to punish the liberals for being incompetent pushovers, but is still holding a grudge against the NDP after thirty fucking years but CAN'T hold a grudge against the Tories while they're still present tense being corrupt proudly government-sabotaging and explicitly and actively trying to kill me.

*Am I gonna extrapolate? no. this post isn't an invitation for a fight, and y'all are too sunk in your cost and the emotional benefits it provides to *listen* instead of argue without way too much work and delicate ego coddling that -- I cannot emphasize enough -- I do not have the spoons to even want to attempt, for it to end up anything *but* a fight and that's not useful for either of us. I don't have enough fucks left on convincing anyone of anything anymore particularly not on the nuances of the last twenty to thirty years of American legislative history; just keep your political circle roulette jerk fix-it RPfics off my dash or I'll have to do it, no grudge just pragmatic and logical consequences for, honestly, both our sakes but mostly me.

[shatterthefragments]

Im pissy bc after day 9/9 I have to do a bunch of yard work when I get home and any complaint is met with “when I was your age I worked several jobs” and it’s just???

Technically I have TWO plus occasional art markets AND I go to school as well a couple semesters a year and I’m tired and maybe I’m a fucking pampered prince then.

I don’t want to have to live like that. I don’t ever want to be so stressed out im having dreams where the stress is literally killing me and I’m terminal in them. AGAIN. (Thank you working in fast food while even the government was still taking covid seriously). I don’t ever want to come home and lay in bed unable to move or think or even play Stardew valley on my phone while *wishing* I had the energy to kill myself. (I don’t ever want you to know how close I was to giving up and giving in and releasing myself from my promise to myself to live. I don’t ever want to be There again)

And. Like after a day of work having to do that too… I’m probably going to fuck up any progress I’ve made through the consistency of taking care of my wrists and hands. (Pain? Just exercise more!,, but that’s more specific targeted exercises than fucking yard work)

Like I’m doing AMAZING today. But I feel like I’m going to crash and I’m going to crash hard. I came home and cooked for mum and I also did some eggs for myself bc I was hungry after work and shopping. I put away the dishes and made an actual dinner. I wiped my face. I feel like shit.

Anyway absolutely just reread some porn about it instead of sleeping. FUCK.

And the amount of checking in I’m going to have to do while I’m away :( like I GET IT I look like a girl rn (in part bc you were getting suspicious) but even though I was raised female I just. Never thought of myself like that or having to follow the Rules of like checking in when away (or for dates if that happened). Like I did send what I was wearing to a friend when I went to a nightclub alone for the first (only so far) time. But that was mostly bc I was in the states when I went.

And my coworker is sick and she’ll be back tomorrow working with me.

I would rather be alone.

If she gets me sick I won’t ever be able to forgive her. As it is I’m kicking myself for not completely isolating myself yet in my house.

(Ah i… should go go pride but I just. I don’t think I’m up to it I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything.)

Mum’s still coughing after several months but oh well. Could just be the mold. Dad too but also same. They both have chronic coughs. And I fucking hate it. How would I know if it’s different.

At least for me I don’t usually have a chronic cough unless I am quite dehydrated.

Anyway.

Bad decisions.

And I’m a bitch made of fear.

[kyrodo]

If I ever need a lesson in proper conduct I'll just avoid doing anything you do. Who knew it was so fucking easy.

Also compliance and gratitude are two separate fucking things. Rolling over and letting you stab me in the belly a million times is not something to be "grateful" for you asshole. Do you have anymore vague concepts to be a total bitch over?

When you finally treat me like a normal human being then we'll fucking talk. Imagine an abuser wanting you to be fucking grateful? "Person x hurt my friend in some way, therefore I must chop their fucking head off". Are you okay bitch? You seem a bit unhinged. You came a very long way to realize you went overboard. Dude I just fucking can't.

There's a time and place to do that for someone you care about, and you picked the wrong place and the wrong time. Who's the bitch that chose to necro when I was closing the book again. Oh right, that was you fucker. You couldn't just let me the fuck go could you? Here's a tip, know when to fuck off. I don't see how making a bad situation worse makes you a good friend. I don't fucking understand you at all.

You didn't want the "protest" to stop, are you fucking stupid? You actively incite and recycle drama how the fuck am I supposed to take you seriously? I'd rather play video games than play games with people's lives you fuck. I spent my early covid months ranting my ass off and being heartbroken, you spent it abusing people. We are not the fucking same.

I think I saw a reply or two you made where you said you weren't good at talking. Looking at all the bullshit you piled up, no fucking shit. Your idea of defusing a situation is throwing fuel at the fire, no fucking shit. You over budgeted your attack, and you need some fucking defunding. It's a good thing you're not in the force cause anybody gives you a gun and it's an "accidental" fatality waiting to happen. You understand where I'm coming from yet? That's who you are. You are literally the fucking problem. Worst of all it's in your fucking blood.

You chose the wrong weapons to use against me bitch. You thought none of that was going to bounce back? You choose the wrong words, you pick the wrong battles, you hurt the wrong people for the wrong reasons, you take the wrong approaches, everything you fucking do is wrong. Fuck OFF

If you and Red ever sat in the same room and you tried to pull a fast one on him, you try to bullshit your way around him or about me he would rip your ass to fucking shreds. And you would be the one crying. You are out of options now. If we ever breathe the same oxygen you don't understand how fucked you are. As it is he wasn't understanding towards Kay. With you he doesn't need to hold anything back. He knows you hurt me and that is all he needs to know about you. Sound familiar yet.

Red chose a dragon as a fursona, and it's not just for show. Especially given how bitter he is now he would chew you the fuck out. I know all your tricks, it wouldn't take long for him to see straight through you.

If you can't handle someone ranting or antagonizing you for even a week or two while they're getting over heartbreak then rethink your fucking life. Most people would just block someone and move on but you're fucking special. You don't fuck off until you've milked a negative interaction to the highest bidder, that is the only thing that makes you "higher" asshole

[androgynousbirdtale]

Thought post

So I've been going through some things... mainly at work. Like a lot of people, stuff started right before the pandemic for me. My boss, that hired me for my current position, left in February 2020. I've been a one-person training department ever since. Once the pandemic popped off, I was "adopted" by HR, which wasn't a bad thing. I'd worked with everyone for a year, and they needed help onboarding large groups of healthcare workers to cover testing and those who were out with COVID. During this time, I learned everything about HR - recruiting, pre-employment, onboarding, exit interviews, FMLA, unemployment, employment verification, I-9s, benefits, etc. So not a bad thing since I learned all of it. In mid-2022, I gave all those responsibilities back and distanced myself from HR because leadership changed in the department. The HR director they hired offended me in our first 1-on-1 meeting, which she decided we should have over lunch. This bitch invited me out to lunch and then didn't pay (Okay, but say something before I go with you to eat. Damn), on top of throwing several microaggressions at me in the first 10 minutes. I was too shaken to even say anything, and it takes me A LOT to be silent. 😒 I don't sugarcoat, and I never have. With me, what you see is what you get. I am outspoken and don't take shit from anyone. I'm not sensitive by any means, but she was the director of HR, and I expected her to know & do better. I went to the VP and told her straight up that if she didn't find me someone else to report to, I was probably gonna get fired.

Fast forward two weeks, and I became attached to the Director of Patient Experience. She got promoted to Director of Compliance, and I continued my work in training and learned all things compliance, policy, and procedures. The VP left about 6 months later, and they never rehired for her position.

The company announced a restructuring in March, and 67 people were let go. I was not a part of this group as I filled a need that no one else did, but it made me nervous. We were told that everything would be over by the beginning of May, and so it was. This boss left my company on Aug 7 (almost 2 weeks ago), and her boss became my boss. We also laid off 37 additional people that day and suddenly, my anxiety about my job went through the roof. So I had a conversation with the General Counsel (my new boss) on Aug 11 about expectations and things that need to be handled ASAP. This past Monday, Aug 14, she quit too.

So, of course, now I'm freaking out because I don't know what any of this means. My former boss contacted the General Counsel to check in, and she stated that she hit her limit of what she will put up with, and she resigned. This is worrisome on so many levels. We had an all-staff meeting on Thursday where it was made clear that all of this, coupled with clinic closings, was part of an effort to ensure we don't permanently close our doors. A year ago was the last time we received any communication about our financial situation; everything was fine. The new CEO blames the old one for serious financial mistakes, naturally.

Friday, I was part of a Departmental Update meeting, and it made me really uncomfortable to be talking to this group of people. The CEO rubbed me the wrong way by completely ignoring me and refusing to figure out what it is I even do or why my input was important when he first started last fall. So I haven't bothered to address or contact him for anything. In this meeting, he asked for names and what we do. When it was my turn, I listed all of the things I was responsible for, on top of being the most senior member on the call. He said he wanted to pick my brain, which I didn't like. I just need someone to handle some long outstanding shit that I can't get done on my own because I don't have the authority. That's it. Tell me what you need, and I'll get it done. I'll tell you what I need, and you support me to get it done.

I know that this is just a job and that I should do the bare minimum, which I have been enthusiastically doing since January 1, 2022. They don't pay me enough to do much more. But I still need the job because I've still got a while before I'm done with school.

I haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours since Sunday night and am utterly exhausted. School starts again on Monday, and I need some sleep. J (my husband) suggested gummies for help with sleeping. I'm not into Green at all and haven't been since I was 16 or so. I don't like to smoke, and the last time I did was about 10 years ago. But his reasoning behind it was sound since I also don't take most meds (I'm incredibly sensitive and/or allergic to most medications). So we went to a shop about 5 miles from here, and I picked up my first bag of gummies. I'm pissed that my job has me on edge like this.

So I'm gonna eat some fatty food and take one. 🤞🏼 Wish me luck; I have no idea how this is gonna go. I'll be sure to report in after, LOL.

[foolishfalls]

I've been kind of just chucking my feelings out into many a void today and I guess I'll do it here. Who knows where I'm likely to get a response??

below the cut i'll be discussing repeat injuries, chronic pain, how my mental health interacts with/contributes to them, and my growing rage and exasperation with the american healthcare system.

I feel like for much of my life I have been grappling with nebulous burgeoning health problems that were rarely serious enough for me to really seek out a doctor, plus, my parents are both notoriously bad at seeing doctors and taking care of themselves too, so living with them into adulthood definitely didn't help. (It's tough as hell being a PDA autistic up against all these very harsh hierarchical systems so full of barriers and demands amirite?)

given the autism with a pretty heavy PDA slant, making and keeping appointments has been a harrowing process for me for my whole entire life, as long as I can remember. It doesn't help that I am also terrible at advocating for myself and have been consistently dismissed by doctors over stuff that I experience... I've just kind of learned to take it lying down which is not a good habit but i get easily exasperated trying to explain myself to doctors. i struggle a ton with even talking to people i see as holding authority over me (i attribute this to ten years of catholic school kind of breaking me mentally and emotionally. if you have been to a religious or catholic school perhaps you have an understanding of this kind of mistreatment)

anyway, i just feel like the pandemic and the ongoing collapse of the healthcare system has just really brought this to a head for me recently. In the last 6 years or so, i've injured both of my ankles several times, rolls and sprains. honestly, the first few times, i was being dumb and not paying attention (i went through a terrible binge drinking period during my 21st year, hadn't yet discovered that i literally cannot wear most shoes besides flat-soled sneakers) but even when I tried to be careful after one or two bad sprains that went unchecked, mostly, I would end up hurting myself. Two of the subsequent times I hurt myself while moving between apartments (I've always lived in walk-ups and have usually moved everything myself with little help aside from friends) and bc of pretty bad cracks on sidewalks (big city infrastructure is total garbage, big surprise!)

like, as my repeated injuries got worse, my capacity for physical activity has too, and I already struggled for years as a kid and teen to develop a decent exercise/activity routine. I think I also have low muscle tone and really slow recovery time due to autism or some co-morbid condition (such as EDS or something. i have weird, weak, clicky joints, but i'm not really typically hypermobile?)

anyway, every time i went in for an x-ray or to see a doctor, i basically got told just to RICE and take care of it at home, so I didn't seek further help. the one time i did was last year, and it took a lot of advocating and was quite hard for me, and then it took months of waiting to even get an appointment with an ortho. This is after 5-6 sprains on my right ankle, and 2 on my left. when i sprained my left ankle the last time, i landed quite hard on my right knee and definitely hurt that too, because it still clicks and acts up.

of course, last august, my ortho appt finally approaches, and i get fucking covid literally the day before. i was so sick and tired i just no-showed and honestly forgot about it. if I miss an appointment and dont reschedule immediately, the likelihood that I will do that is very low. once again, PDA is a bitch.

but, at least since then I haven't actually injured my ankle. However, who knows what the effects of covid were on my body, my joints, who tf knows?? we know it causes and exacerbates all kind of conditions in people. I barely have been able to get doctors to take me seriously about the stuff I'm chronically experiencing, so even bringing up long-covid has felt kind of scary and pointless, tbh.

Fast forward to april of this year. after working in office jobs and sitting for two years straight, which caused me a ton of awful burnout, i end up working part-time at a cafe. while I'm working there, i injure/strain my hip and low back while slipping on a wet floor. this pain keeps me in bed consistently for about 3 weeks and I go to see my doctor about it. he diagnoses me with sciatic pain because it seems to be running and radiating down from my leg and hip. (mind you this is my right hip, which is attached to the knee i've hurt maybe twice, and the ankle i've injured 5-6 times!)

Up until then, I had been receiving some PT at my previous job to help stabilize and strengthen my hips, which my PT determined as the main cause for my ankle injuries. my hips shake when i walk and tend to cause a lot of instability. I made some progress, but I was receiving PT at my old job, and my insurance changed when I left it, so i was uninsured for like three months in the beginning of this year while trying to get new coverage. my hip pain was bad for about a month, after seeing my doctor, i got x-rays and they came back clean but the pain wasn't fully subsiding, so he writes me referrals for PT and pain management.

Because of my shit association with PT due to my old job, and the fact that the pain finally began to subside after the x rays came back (I kind of thought, oh, maybe it was lingering mostly due to my stress, guess im good) I dont make a PT appointment right away. I look into one place i'm referred to and it turns out they dont take my insurance which is bullshit. Then, I go to my last option, the hospital system I see my PCP out of. It's basically the lowest quality medical care you can access with medicaid which is what i currently have, and due to my experience working in a high-end PT office i know what the difference will be. this mental block kind of keeps me thinking it will be pointless so i took a while to make an appointment, trying to do exercises at home for now since i had a baseline from my old job.

While all this is happening, as my hip pain is subsiding, i get a weird lump/bump where my heel meets my right ankle, my bad ankle. it has been this way since about the end of May, now, and it has been the source of some of the most disarming, weird, confusing pain I've ever experienced in my life.

I also didn't talk yet about how realizing I'm autistic helped me make sense of my weird pain tolerance. on one hand, i've always been notably sensitive to even the slightest pain. would sob and sob over the smallest things as a kid. i think due to the reactions of adults around me, i gradually learned to dissociate in order to bury my pain. so, i feel like i both experience pain very strongly and intensely, and at times it can be so debilitating and distracting that i can focus on little else and it almost causes me brain fog and fatigue, while at other times, it is kind of distant and i tend to dissociate from it.

with this new pain in my heel, there's definitely some nerve shit involved, i think... i get twitches/spasms sometimes, numbness, tingling, sharp pain, dull pain. and it's seemingly unpredictable. i wear compression socks or a sleeve almost every single day because it's all that helps. it's past the point of icing helping it much because it's not swollen.

basically every time i have seen a doctor about my pain leading up to now, I have brought up the possibility of some underlying cause, but i always get dismissed. told I'm digging too deep or thinking too hard and just stressing myself out, despite the fact that I've always been clumsy and injury prone and had coordination issues. I guess bc those coordination issues haven't been well documented, and i am not officially diagnosed with autism or anything that could support my claims, i just don't get taken seriously, despite my experience being quite abnormal from what i understand when talking to others!!!

idk where I'm even going with this. today i was at a PT appointment for my hip and was on the verge of tears the whole time. I have to go back to my primary doctor in order for them to even begin attending to my heel despite that being the worst pain, and despite the fact that my hip/knee/heel/sciatica are all definitely related. I'm assuming this is because of insurance bullshit, i know it's pretty basic procedure, but it's exhausting that the american healthcare system is set up this way. it's really hard when you're autistic also and struggle with making and keeping appointments. it doesn't help that i've been dismissed by so many doctors that i just get intense anxiety about even having to go back again.

i'm also looking for a new PCP anyway because i don't like that mine doesn't take me very seriously and i am also transitioning and very scared/a bit paranoid about facing any transphobia or disclosing that fact to him if we have to run any blood tests. so maybe I'll have a better experience elsewhere, but this heel stuff has gone on for so long that i just have to bite the bullet and go back to the same place if it will be quicker to do so anyway.

and like, all procedural/red tape/insurance bullshit aside, bottom of the barrel PT treatment here is like. so dismal. once again maybe it's just bc i have the point of comparison from my old job, but i feel like the treatment is really just. so lackluster, doctors are seeing multiple patients at once, you're rushed through your visit, you don't have time to ask questions. the whole time i've been there no one has so much as taken a closer look at my heel. i know i'm there for my hip and you have to say that on paper for insurance, but like, damn, not even just a quick check??

I am afraid it's because I'm habitually downplaying the pain to cope and because i'm terrified of doctors. so maybe it's my fault.

still, the system is downright hostile to people who struggle with that stuff.

i don't have much else to say. just wanted to dump this somewhere and see if anyone else can understand or empathize with my experience. i don't talk about this super openly or readily because I don't even feel like i can call it chronic pain sometimes despite this being a several month long problem and really an issue that is about five years old, despite it being inconsistent... mostly because i just don't have the affirmation of a medical diagnosis. i have considered getting a cane/mobility aid very thoroughly recently because i know it would help me (and maybe even force doctors to take me seriously) but there's a part of me that feels like i can't or shouldn't. like i'm not valid enough for that, or i can function without it, but i know that's dismissive and so not the right way to think about mobility aids

i mean, it doesn't help that my dad has been limping and had chronic pain for years and has one and still refuses to use it... the internalized ableism runs deep. it's fucked. i'm trying hard to undo it but it's hard when you're already just hard on yourself.

anyway, just sorely needed to get this off my chest. thanks for reading if you do.

EDIT: i also wanted to say,, if you have gone through anything similar, just know you're not alone! so if you want to share your experience or talk about it with me pls know my asks and dms are open.