#tw; irresponsible with medication

[ajokeformur-ray]

GOOD personal news!!!! (I am Proud™️ of myself)!!!!!

So, okay. I am slightly hesitant to share this in case it's only temporary, but @darklylucid very kindly told me to share it because it's good news and it's something to be proud of!!!❤️

TW; talks of negative anti-depressant side effects and me being irresponsible with prescribed medication, mentions of nausea and bad periods, mentions of health anxieties such as being sick as a result of medications and self-starvation (it's all because meds made me feel so sick I couldn't eat etc.), talks and discussions of stress, anxiety, depression and cognitive behavioural therapy, talks of doctors visits, one mention of covid boosters and bad side effects from that, one mention of passive suicidal ideation, this is a positive post but please read with caution if anything in this tw paragraph may upset or offend you!

I started therapy for my stress and severe anxiety five weeks ago. When I started, my anxiety and depression scores were both at 21/21. I was, essentially, a walking anxiety attack experiencing passive suicidal ideation.

Today, two weeks after uni officially started and five weeks after starting therapy, I scored 12/21 for both anixety and depression for the third week in a row, meaning both have improved to being moderate without medication!!!

(We all remember the absolute fear surrounding that fiasco and I still say medication wasn't the right treatment plan for me. I do have a prescription but I never picked it up and I won't pick it up because of how bad the physical side effects were. The nausea got so bad I was actively starving myself for seven weeks because I couldn't eat anything, while in the middle of end of year assignments and my job pulling me in for overtime constantly. My health anxiety, generalised anxiety and lifestyle couldn't sustain it. Everyone told me to "give it time", but after seven weeks of the worst periods I've ever had in my life and of constant nausea, I couldn't take it anymore so I quit my medication cold turkey without consulting my doctor. The medication was hurting me and not even working; I felt worse physically and mentally and my anxiety was still there, except I also felt like a zombie. I was offered a different medication but I never picked up the prescription for it out of fear that this would continue, since all SSRIs have the same side effects. I have told my therapist this and though she doesn't know any details beyond "I don't want to take it", she supports my decision. A week after I stopped my medication, my periods returned to normal and the nausea disappeared, my appetite came back and I felt better. I refuse to try again and have decided to focus on my therapy as the treatment plan. Medication isn't right for me and that's okay.)

I don't know if this improvement in my anxiety and depression is because of the therapy or because I now wake up at 3am to study before I go to work, which means that I study when I am fresh and well-rested, go to work, then come home and only have to relax, which means more free time. This decreases my stress, which lowers my anxiety and therefore improves my depression (my anxiety was so severe it caused the depression; they are not two separate conditions in my case), and means I can eat and sleep better and more.

The lifestyle switch and therapy both started at the same time, so I can't say for sure which has led to the improvement in my mental well-being, but I find myself not caring all that much. I am healing, I am doing well, I have had one anxiety attack in the last month, and that's... the news I wanted to share. My hair is gorgeous, I am eating and sleeping well, I am happier, healthier, I am not behind in uni, therapy is helping me... I'm not perfect, that would mean I don't exist, but I am healing and in a good place right now. I'm not sure if this is temporary, since uni has just started and I won't know until Christmas since that's when they throw us in at the deep end with the syllabus, but I still wanted to share this news.

I didn't think I could handle therapy, uni and my job at the same time, let alone looking for work experience in the mental health sector, but here I am, doing what I thought I couldn't, and dare I say it... I'm happy. I caught myself smiling while brushing my hair this morning, and apart from a few weeks ago when the covid booster gave me chest pains for a week, I can't remember the last time I had a tight chest due to stress and/or anxiety.

I can't thank you all enough for your friendships, encouragement, love, support, comments, asks... you've all helped me so so much, you do help me, and now I'm feeling better, I'm going to be looking at focusing on writing again. Especially since I'm not sure if this is temporary or not - but I feel hopeful for the future and for myself, for the first time in... a decade or so. I think I'm gonna be okay and right now, at least, I'm proud of myself.❤️

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

realising ur trans is so stupid bc before yes it felt like life was just always gonna suck no matter what I did and I was doomed to low-mid grade misery with occasional high grade sprinkled in forever and all I could do was not dwell on it as much as possible but now I know what's probably causing it and that there's a way forward I actually have to do something about it and I don't know where to starttt

[allrevvedup]

can't sleep cuz of joint pain about to hit this bitch with the guaranteed sleep potion(2 ibuprofen, 2 acetaminophen, and 20-30mg melatonin)

[tonguetiedraven]

So I was cleaning up a few manga panels for my other blog, and darn it, I need to talk about my thoughts on two scenes in the Shimane Illuminati arc (specifically chapters 61 and 62) because Kato deserves all the applause for everything. This post will be for chapter 61 and I'll post 62 later.

TW/CW for character death, medical abuse, and mental health struggles. Content below the cut.

First, in chapter 61 we get this heart breaking page when Tamamo Kamiki dies.

To get into what I'm seeing with this panel, I need to give a brief (or I'll try and make it brief) overview of Tamamo. Tamamo gets introduced to us in chapter 52 and the first panel we get of her is her sobbing into the camera that everyone acts so cold towards her because she is sleeping with the head priest and not married to said high priest.

We are then told that she was an irresponsible and careless woman by Mike. We find out three really important things though.

Tamamo is judged by the people around her and gets a cold shoulder

Tamamo relies heavily on her daughter and the byakko to have the house run at all and has dreams of a fantastic family and house she has shown no ability to actually run.

Tamamo is in love with the (shitty) Chief Priest of Inari and that he isn't married to her.

We then find out:

That Tamamo and her entire line have always managed the terrifying and unruly Nine Tails by assimilating the god and becoming her, and that the town/shrine distrust her because of that, even though she does it to protect them. They ostracize her for the duty her family has and they judge the entire family because she had Soji's children.

Notice Soji isn't in the judged club and that Soji has never seen his daughters. He's never been to her house. It is always her going to him.

This theme of ostracization is something that pops up over and over and over again in Blue Exorcist. Almost all of the main characters had a childhood that was lonely and where they were rejected by their peers--almost always for things outside their direct control and almost always in someway connected to demons, even if they didn't know it, but I'll get to that more in a moment. Suffice to say, at this point we can see that Tamamo is isolated outside of her illicit meetings with Soji (not at all healthy as we'll see later on) her interactions with the demons around her, and her daughters, neither of which are old or mature enough to offer her the type of companionship she's in need of, which leads to everyone in this tangled dynamic having unhealthy relationships with each other.

We see Tamamo seeking connections and affections and largely being rebuffed by it everywhere except Tsukumo and the byakko. Soji's affection has strings attached, and Izumo is too fed up to offer any affection. The other members of the shrine ostracize her and give her a cold shoulder, and I'd bet money that they're vocal about their opinions any time she's around. (And they likely don't care if the kids are around or not.)

What I'm getting at is that Tamamo is lonely and you see that in how desperate she is for approval and connection and it mostly comes out with Soji. She does whatever he wants to keep her connection to him intact. We've also had a few indications thus far in the manga that isolation and depression and poor mental health are things demons take advantage of. We'll get more explanation on that later on, but suffice to say that Tamamo is not at all in a healthy spot to be constantly risking possession against an immensely powerful and evil demon.

I'll be honest and clear up front that I have no love for Soji and think him deplorable and he did not do anything to help Tamamo that we see. Rather, it seems he exclusively used her for his own pleasures without any care for her or the consequences their time together had.

I also think it's important that everyone know that Nine Tails -- at least the Nine Tails in this story -- is based of Tamamo no Mae who is an infamous yokai in Japanese lore. She has a long and complicated history with her origins unknown and a lot of political manipulation, but an important thing to know about her is that she is always depicted as a child eater. She devours women as well, and thrives on seducing men. She's beautiful and powerful and alluring, and she's manipulative.

So generations of women manipulated and regularly partially possessed by Nine Tails down the line, we have a shrine and town that reject Tamamo and her losing her grasp on the one adult who 'likes' her, and we see this moment:

We see her staring at him, enjoying the light atmosphere and gathering her courage (the sweat drop in the panel has me thinking she's nervous about this because it's not the first time this convo has happened.)

She wants him to come to her house and is trying to make it as appealing as possible. She wants a family and the life she's been dreaming up.

Soji rejects the idea entirely and pushes further by saying if she asks for him to interact with the kids in any way he'll dump her. The one adult connection she has will be lost because of her children. (Not actually. It's because he's a dick but she sees it as the children being the problem.)

She then goes immediately to Nine Tails to do the dance of spirit invocation which we're told this about:

So Tamamo--who has been isolated and lonely for at least a large chunk of her adult life is now seeing the one connection she's made with another adult (and an unhealthy one at that) potentially break because of her children-- goes to assimilate the Nine Tails in that unstable and unhealthy emotional and mental state.

It is heavily implied that Nine Tails started to take her over at this point, and you see her become more and more obsessed with Soji and more angry with her children, further isolating herself away from the small amount of support and connection she did have until she's entirely possessed by the vengeful and malevolent spirit of Nine Tails.

She murders Soji and tries to do the same to her children before the Illuminati take her and subject her to years of torture, all while she's still possessed by the Nine Tails.

One more detail and I'll get back to the scene in chapter 61.

When Tamamo was last fully in control of her faculties and saw her daughter, she saw Izumo in the same place she was. Ostracized by her community with no one but their small family to lean on. Her daughter was doomed to follow the same path Tamamo had, and at this point, it looks like this was a cycle that had been going on for at least a few generations. Isolated and connection starved women raising daughters who were isolated and connection starved children. Tamamo became overly touchy and clingy to everyone where Izumo became mistrustful. (And man does she have a lot of reasons for that.)

Now back to chapter 61 and the moment Tamamo dies.

She wakes up amongst the chaos of the zombie hoard going towards possessed Izumo, and she immediately intervenes to get the Nine Tails spirit back inside herself to save her daughter.

That's important to understand for her. She moved before the next moment I'm going to talk about. She saw Izumo possessed and didn't seem to hesitate to save her daughter. She has been tortured for five years and immediately moves to start that horrible possession again.

But while she's dancing to contain Nine Tails in herself, this is going on in the background:

Each of the other teens in the room came to get Izumo and they're shouting their support of her even while they fight an endless hoard of zombies because they came to get her. Tamamo can hear that happening and she can see that they came to help Izumo.

No one came to help Tamamo. At no point did anyone ever come to rescue her or fight for her. She was blamed for everything and was left to bear all the consequences for five years. (I am not blaming Izumo for that. She was a child and was not responsible for saving her mother.)

But with "We're here for you!" ringing in Tamamo's ears, she completes the ritualistic dance and frees her daughter from the possession.

Tamamo in her dying moments looks at her daughter and sees a community around her that Tamamo didn't have. She sees people willing to intervene and help and fight even though Izumo is pushing them away and possessed and not easy to get along with.

Tamamo, from everything we saw, was isolated and rejected by her community and had no one to support her. She was manipulated and played by her significant other and left vulnerale to possession by a society that needed her to do the thankless job and hated her for doing the thankless job. She was bubbly and friendly and still pushed away and rejected and ostracized until she succumbed to Nine Tails.

back to chapter 52

Blue Exorcist talks a lot about curses and ostracization. All the main cast suffer from it in some way or another. They've all been called terrible things and most of them have been treated as if they aren't human, and a lot of them have complicated lineages and may not be fully human which just amplifies the amount they're rejected by their peers.

For Tamamo, that curse was literal and figurative. The literal curse was the constant absorption of an insane demon that eventually consumed her until she'd destroyed what little family she had.

It was figurative in that as the head priestess and medium in charge of the rituals, she was rejected by the community she needed to support her. She was left floundering on the outside, always given just a taste of what she could have had if she was born to a different family, and left with a longing for what she would never be given and always wondering why she couldn't have it. (And yes, I'm probably reading into some things and filling in the blanks with hypothesis and assumptions.)

But in that final moment, Tamamo sees that curse of isolation and rejection has been broken by Izumo. That her daughter, who like all the daughters of the Kamiki line was alone, is no longer alone. That she has friends and support. Support that followed her into this hell and reached out to call her back even from a demon like Nine Tails.

I don't know if I've made myself all that clear, but I love the way that Kato has shown this over and over again and keeps showing the rejection of isolation and ostracization as any kind of solution. That she keeps showing through each of these relationships and arcs that it's reaching for and connecting with other people that brings change and healing and hope, and I love how she shows that through moments like this. It's a little moment that's so easy to miss, but it's so immensely huge when looked at in the context of the entirety of Tamamo's life.

I wish she knew that they would have come for her if they'd known she'd been there all this time. I wish she'd have found a community to support her and I wish she'd had someone to tell her Soji was a dick and she could do better.

I wish she could see Izumo now, still connected to her friends and even though it's the end of the world, she's fighting with and beside them. That she's seeking out connections and learned her lesson about not needing to be alone. That she's teased and loved and welcomed.

But I'm pretty sure in that final moment, she saw it all anyway.

[deldotpng]

⊹ Kafka lore dump ⊹

Basic info Name: Kafka Chen Gender: female Age: 22 Height: 170cm Affiliation: Cleaners Occupation: Cleaner

Personality

 Kafka is quite phlegmatic, good at keeping her head cool and thinking on her feet. You can call her a workaholic: she treats her work conscientiously and expects the same from other janitors, having a strong dislike for irresponsibility. She’s more street smart rather than book smart.

 Despite appearing to be a complete introvert, Kafka likes being around other people, even though she listens more than she speaks. She is empathetic enough and cares about the well-being of her colleagues, but rarely expresses it (doesn't feel the need to let them know). 

 The harsh past she went through has damaged Kafka’s mental health and led to her developing sadistic tendencies, which, however, show up quite rarely. It usually gets the better of Kafka when she is in the middle of a tough battle and is all fired up; you can catch a glimpse of a grin on her face. Kafka isn't really aware that she enjoys the chaos of violence, thinking the excitement she feels simply comes from a natural rush of adrenaline, which is only half true.   She has anger outbursts from time to time but tries to repress them.

Is not a tactile person, she only allows physical touch from her partner and few close friends (+ kid janitors).

 Kafka likes reliable, self-sufficient individuals, who respect other people's boundaries and don't jump into conclusions. She likes people with a good sense of humor (very bad at making jokes herself).

tw: drug use and s/h mention ahead

Background

 Kafka doesn’t remember the faces of her biological parents. She lived on the streets her entire life until she joined the Cleaners. She was affiliated with one of many teen gangs who didn't have a home and earned a living by getting hired for shady tasks of all kinds (info collecting, raiding, blackmailing, drug dealing etc). 

 Kafka grew up as a very closeted person, cautious and distrustful. She had to protect herself solely with her fists.

 She had a long-term addiction to drugs, which subsequently led to an overdose. She was admitted to the hospital, and during her stay she took a liking to the doctor who looked after her. They both became close enough for Kafka to open up a little, making a genuine human connection for the first time in her life. So when Kafka later learned that the woman was brutally killed by a trash beast that burst into town, she was completely devastated by the loss of who she saw as her parental figure. After being discharged from the hospital Kafka stole a tuning fork that once belonged to the doctor to have something to remember her by.

 The item became her jinki when Kafka was cornered by a group of trash beasts. It released its power which she used to crush the monsters into pieces. After learning to wield her newly obtained weapon, she decided to patrol through her hometown and clean out any threats. Soon, she was noticed and approached by the Cleaners who made Kafka an offer to join their forces, which she accepted right away.

Jinki

 Kafka's jinki (a.k.a. "Hammerhead") is a medical tuning fork. Its awakened form is a giant sledgehammer equipped with chains. Once transformed, the inscription “128Hz” engraved on it changes to “777Hz”.

 Beside the obvious way of using the hammer (i.e. shattering things into pieces), it is also used to damage the subject from within/disorient it by sending very strong mechanical waves (manipulation of vibrations). 

 If Kafka has to fight a human and not a trash beast, she usually tries to use her weapon carefully, in mind to only reach her opponent indirectly, concerned that she might get carried away with the battle and simply murder her enemy with the impact of her blows.

Relationships

 Kafka is married to her colleague Arak Chen (@dyfavorable's oc) whom she was close friends with before they started dating. They often work as a duo. 

Kafka looks up to Semiu, who is her mentor but also a close friend. They like to gossip and discuss novels together in their free time.

 Has a poor relationship with the Hell Guards, because she used to be the cause of their headache along with the other street kids. Kafka tries to avoid Kyoko whenever she appears at Cleaners' doors.

 Kafka visits Dr. Stilza quite often, since Alice is a former colleague of her late parental figure. Kafka is on good terms with Stilza's grandchildren as well. According to August he and Kafka are practically best friends (not true).

Trivia

had a history of resorting to self-harm, which continued until she was in a better environment and found a purpose in life. Has scars on her upper arms and forearms.

very strong physically, which is required to operate such a massive weapon as hers;

in her younger years she had very long hair, which she cut off in a meltdown one day when a man was harassing her and patted her hair. For this reason, she doesn't like to have her hair touched;

Kafka has a very keen ear;

she loves extra sour candies and lollipops;

she has a low voice and a very pretty laugh;

Kafka is very shy in relationships, any romantic gestures make her flustered and anxious;

Rudo confused her with a guy when he met her for the first time.

[oopsallfictives]

I feel like sysmedicalism gets boiled down to just being anti-endo, and that's not really even the core of their beliefs. That's definitely a big part of it, but it's more of a side effect of their core beliefs. Those beliefs are:

Plurality only exists in the context of DID and similar disorders

Those disorders only ever happen as the result of trauma

Both the above points have been scientifically proven

Psychiatrists who study/treat DID, as well as the ISSTD, are more trustworthy than anyone claiming their personal experiences fall outside of what they believe "real DID" looks like

The only one of those that even might be true is the second, but I have no idea if it is or not, and it would be irresponsible to make the claim that it is without proof (correlation isn't proof, that's literally the first lesson in statistics). But what I want to focus on is the last point, because I think it explains everything else

People with DID/OSDD/etc have pretty much always been fighting an uphill battle against the general public's disbelief. This worsened significantly in the 90s. DID (then called MPD) got swept up into the Satanic Panic, and when aspects of that were disproven, everything else that got lumped in with it was assumed to be equally false. On top of that, there was a high-profile lawsuit against Bennett Braun (psychiatrist and founding member of the ISSTD) that alleged some pretty horrific abuse against a woman who claimed she was misdiagnosed and never had MPD/DID in the first place

This split the discourse. Some people condemned Braun and his associates for their treatment of their patients, and claimed that MPD/DID was made up. This is why the name was changed to DID, btw. The chair of the DSM-IV task force didn't believe it was real. On the other side of things, there were people who believed it was real, and therefore assumed everything being said about Braun and others was made up. There were some people, like those who were abused as "treatment" for MPD/DID, who believed that both plurality and the abuse were real, but they were largely ignored or silenced

Nowadays the issue is mostly simplified into "is DID real or not?". However, the idea that criticizing the ISSTD/psychiatrists who treat DID is the same as siding with the people who don't believe in it lingers. For many people newly diagnosed or discovering the online community and their place in it for the first time, these clinicians seem to be the only ones who believe their experiences are real. On top of that, there's a societal belief that being a doctor gives someone the authority to speak on medical issues in a way that being a patient doesn't. This goes doubly for anything mental health related. So these systems latch onto the ISSTD/psychiatrists and uncritically buy into everything they say (or what a game of twitter discourse telephone claims they say), even if it doesn't make sense, or if the proof just isn't there

So when they lash out at endogenic systems, or systems who claim to be people instead of parts, or any system that doesn't fit their idea of "real DID', it's because they see us as threats to their legitimacy. They think we can only be taken seriously if we go along with what the ISSTD claims. But this community has decades worth of very real reasons not to trust the psychiatrists making those claims

If you're a system whose beliefs align with the bullet points above, and you're starting to doubt the ISSTD (or even just some individual psychiatrists) because of the McLean video, take some time to look a little deeper. Look up what Bennett Braun got sued for malpractice for at least 11 times over (but be prepared, it will be triggering, it's some fucked up shit). Look up other prominent psychiatrists in this area, see how many of them have had accusations of abuse leveled against them. Try this video on Onno van der Hart, the primary contributer to the ToSD as it applies to DID (TW psychiatric abuse). And if you're starting to realize that perhaps they can't be trusted to be correct about everything, maybe it's time to consider what else they've said that's wrong

-Oliver (he/him)

P.S. If you're a dick on this post you'll be blocked on sight

[a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all]

Make Me Forget

Winter Whumperland 2022: Day 8. Unexpected Kindness Fandom: Top Gun, Top Gun: Maverick, Jake "Hangman" Seresin, f!reader, former Bob x reader

Summary: Soon after a tragedy strikes, Jake finds you at his door late one night. Will he do what he has always dreamt of and you are now begging him for? Or will he find the strength to do what is right?

Word Count: 4300

TW: Emotional Angst, Grief, Death of a Loved One, Main Character Death, Tears, Drunk Reader makes bad decisions, Intoxicated Kiss, Tattoo

Notes: Thank you to @lorecraft and @green-socks for talking me through this and their support! I love you guys!

Sequel to No Laughing Matter but can also be read as a stand-alone piece.

As Jake poured his third glass of bourbon of the night, he was starting to regret not taking Coyote up on his offer to go to the movies with him and his new girlfriend. There wasn’t anything interesting playing, but it would have been nice to take his mind off of things and just mindlessly watch some robots blow some shit up or whatever for two and a half hours. But instead, he was sitting alone in a dimly lit room with only his drink for company. Not his smartest idea, but he just didn’t know how to act around his best friend at the moment.

For the past eight months, Jake had been on an extended medical leave back in Texas after he was injured in a training exercise. The break was actually doing him a lot of good. He had forgotten what it felt like to not have to try to be the best all the time. For the first time since joining the Naval Academy straight out of high school, he let himself relax and didn’t worry about how he compared to those around him. He stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard, both things he was never allowed to do while on active duty. It felt like he had control over everything in his life for once. That was until he had gotten the phone call.

Which was how he found himself staying in this rental house back in California a month before he was to be cleared for active duty. Though they had kept in contact through texts and emails, he hadn’t expected to be in person with the entire Dagger Squad again this soon. Or at least…. almost the entire squad.

Downing the rest of his glass of bourbon, he reached for the bottle to pour another when a knock on his door drew his attention. At almost one a.m., he had no idea who it could be. Only a few people even knew where he was staying, and he had made it clear he wanted to be left alone tonight.

Throwing the door open, Jake inhaled sharply as he saw the last person he expected standing just outside. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

You rolled your eyes. “Well, hello to you too, Jake. You sure know how to make a girl feel wanted.”

“No, I’m sorry. I was just surprised to see you here. Especially this late.”

Neither of you spoke for a long moment, each just staring at the other. Jake hadn’t seen you since the service a few days ago but you looked even worse than you had then. Your hair was a mess, your lipstick was smudged, and your eyes looked sunken and bloodshot. It wouldn’t surprise Jake if he learned you hadn’t slept more than a few hours over the last few days. Not that he would have blamed you. 

Finally, you broke the silence and asked, “You gonna make me keep standing out here, or are you gonna let me in?”

 “Oh, right, sorry.” Jake held the door open wider as you pushed past him into the house. “How’d you get here? You didn’t drive, did you?”

You scoffed. “No. Do you really think I’m that irresponsible? Phoenix put me in a car after she made me leave the bar. The guy was driving past and I remembered you were staying here while you were in town.” You stumbled slightly as you walked around the small space examining the decor. It was clear why Phoenix sent you home for the night, though Jake was surprised she hadn’t insisted on going with you.

You spotted the still-open bottle of bourbon sitting on the table and grabbed at it, almost knocking it off the table. Without even trying to look for a glass, you pressed it to your lips and took a long swig. You grimaced as you swallowed yet raised the bottle for a second drink, but Jake placed his hand on your wrist before you could.

He gently eased the bottle out of your hand and set it back down. Running his hand lightly up and down your arm, he asked, “Not that it isn’t great to see you and all, but whatcha doing here, sweetheart? It’s late and it looks like you’ve already had an exciting night. Maybe you should just be heading home. I can drive you.” He reconsidered as he remembered the three glasses of bourbon he had drank that night. “Well, I can make sure you get home safely.”

“I don’t wanna go home,” you muttered faintly as you ran your fingers through the few drops of bourbon that had fallen onto the table. “I came here for you. I want you to do what you said…. last year in the bar.”

Jake’s brow furrowed as he tried to remember what you might be talking about. “I say a lot of things. You wanna give me a hint which one you’re talking about?”

Awkwardly removing your jacket and letting it fall to the floor behind you, you took a step closer causing Jake to step back so you didn’t bump into his chest. “You said one night was all it would take. That after one night with you, I would forget his name. I’m here so you can help me forget.”

Jake felt all the blood drain from his face as he realized what you were talking about. The night in the Hard Deck when he had gotten very drunk and tried to fight Bob. Not that it had been much of a fight considering Bob had laid him out with a single punch, but Jake had still felt awful about it. He apologized to both you and Bob the next day and it seemed like that night had been pretty much forgotten by everyone involved. But he guessed he was wrong….

Jake placed his hands on your now bare shoulders. “Sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean that. It was a stupid, drunken mistake that–”

“You meant it.” Your tone wasn’t harsh or accusing, just matter-of-fact. You took yet another step closer. “You’ve wanted me since the first day we met, don’t deny it. And you can try to brush off all your comments as teasing but I saw the look in your eye when you made them. You meant every word. But that’s okay. Because tonight, I’m giving you exactly what you’ve always wanted.”

You slammed your lips against Jake’s, catching him by surprise as you pushed him back against the wall. Your hands threaded through his long locks, grabbing hold and using them to pull him even deeper into your lips. Jake could taste the strong sting of alcohol on your breath as your tongue slipped clumsily into his mouth and he froze, unsure of what to do.

For just a second, he considered it. He had dreamt about you often since the day Bob introduced you, and they were always the sort of dreams where he couldn’t look Bob in the eye for a few hours afterward. Yet he had resigned himself to the fact that even if you and Bob ever broke up, you weren’t the kind of girl to go for someone like him. So this, this kiss, this chance, it was more than he ever hoped for.

And yet the second you slid your knee up to rub against the growing bulge in his pants, he snapped out of it. Grabbing your wrists, he gently untangled your hands from his hair and eased you off of him. Your eyes darted across his face, so desperate and confused as to why he pulled away that he almost lost his resolve and pressed his lips against yours once more.

Panting slightly, he whispered, “We can’t do this. I–I can’t do this.”

“Why not? It’s what you always wanted.”

“I can’t,” Jake whispered again, shaking his head.

Running your thumb over his cheek, tears began to roll down your face as you whispered back, “Yes, you can. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone, Jake. He’s gone, and I’m falling apart without him. I just need someone right now. I need you. I need you to take me back into the bedroom and do what you’ve always wanted, just…. just make me forget. Please. Just for tonight. I just need this pain to go away for just one goddamn night.”

You leaned forward again but he shifted slightly so instead of your lips meeting, your foreheads did. Pressing firmly against you, Jake closed his eyes and took several long, deep breaths before he muttered, “Please don’t ask me again. I’m not a good enough man to deny you a third time. You’re right, I’ve always wanted you. I still want you. But not like this. We both deserve better than that.” Jake opened his eyes and stared directly into yours. “He deserves better than that.”

You jerked your head back as if he had slapped you, rapidly blinking in shock. Releasing him, you stumbled back from the wall, turning your back to him. When you finally faced him once more, Jake could tell some of the alcohol-induced fog had lifted. Tears were streaming down your face more quickly now and your bottom lip was quivering so hard, he could almost hear your teeth chattering.

Wrapping your arms across your chest, you sobbed, “What am I doing? He’s been gone for only a little over a week and I’m already throwing myself at one of his best friends.” 

Jake wasn’t sure if you were just being hyperbolic in the heat of the moment, but hearing you call him “one of his best friends” caused a knot to form in Jake’s chest. But he ignored his own pain and tried to gather you into his arms, “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

You struggled to free yourself from his embrace. “No, it’s not! I promised him I’d never do something like this. That he was the only one I ever wanted to be with. And now…. Now I almost–” Another wailing sob ripped through you, cutting off the rest of your words. 

Jake didn’t know what to do. In fact, he’d been having a harder time than expected dealing with what happened. As unrealistic as it was, Jake couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been different if he had been back from leave and flying with the squad. Maybe he could have provided cover for Phoenix and Bob’s plane. Maybe that lucky bullet from the enemy wouldn’t have broken through the canopy and struck Bob in the neck. Maybe then he wouldn’t have bled out before Phoenix could even land the plane.

But all the what-ifs and could-have-been’s in the world wouldn’t change the fact that Bob was dead, and you were currently falling apart in Jake’s arms. However, where Jake might not have been there to help Bob then, he damn sure was going to do everything in his power to help you now.

“Sweetheart, look at me. Look at me!” You stopped struggling and gazed helplessly into Jake’s eyes. “I can’t be your Band-Aid to try to stop the pain, but you did nothing wrong tonight. It was only just a kiss and even if it had gone farther, you wouldn’t have been breaking any promises to him. Even in marriage, these things are only ‘til death do us part’, right? You held up your end of the bargain and he would understand. He would want you to be happy.”

 “But I’m not! How am I ever supposed to be happy again when Bob is gone! We had our whole lives planned out together. He was going to propose and leave the Navy after his next tour so we could start a family. But now it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do.” 

All of the fight suddenly went out of you, and you collapsed limply into Jake’s arms. Holding you tightly, Jake slowly sank to the floor and pulled you into his lap. Balling your fists into his shirt, you clung to him frantically as your body was wracked with sobs. There was nothing Jake could do but hold you tight and remind you that you weren’t alone.

After what seemed like hours, your sobs softened into sniffles before you eventually fell silent. Finally, you whispered, “Jake, how do I do this? It’s just too big. How do I deal with it?”

He took a deep breath and held it for a second before slowly releasing it. “I honestly don’t know. I guess you just take it one day at a time. It’s the best any of us can do. But you’re not alone. Let your friends help you through this.”

“Is that what we are, Jake? Friends?”

“I’d like to think so.” There was a moment of silence before Jake asked, “Why did you really come here tonight? To me. Was it just because you were driving by or….”

“You weren’t supposed to be this noble,” you chuckled dryly. “I thought out of everyone… Coyote has his new girlfriend, Fanboy and Payback can barely look at me right now, and Rooster’s been glued to Phoenix’s side all week. She’s trying to be strong for me but I know how much she is hurting too and he’s really helped her deal with things. So, that left you. And with your reputation and your little thing for me, I thought it was a full-proof plan. I guess I underestimated you. I’m sorry.”

“No, I guess that’s fair. You were right when you said I wanted you and that there was some truth behind my jokes and teasing. But I hope you know I would never have actually done anything. I wouldn’t have done that to Bob.”

You smiled softly as you linked your fingers with his before squeezing his hand. “I know. And so did he. He never minded your flirting because he said he knew at the end of the day you would never actually try it or make a move. And that I would never try anything either. So he just ignored it.” You shook your head softly. “God, how could someone have been so good?”

“I don’t know.” Jake wiped a tear off your cheek. “But he loved you so much. You were all he ever talked about when we were on a mission, just getting back to you. And Phoenix says your name was the last thing he said before…”

“She told me. I just wish I had been able to say goodbye.” Your voice broke and Jake pulled you tightly against his chest as your tears began to fall once more.

But they didn’t last very long. All of your crying must have taken a lot out of you because as your sobs began to dwindle and fade, Jake felt you slowly sagging in his arms. When he glanced down, he saw your eyes drooping further and further. The tears, alcohol, and late hour of night were all catching up to you and it wouldn’t be long before you had passed out completely.

Jake carefully helped get you to your feet before rising off the floor himself. His legs were numb from the way he was sitting, but he tried his best to ignore the sensation as he led you toward the bedroom.

“Where are we goin’?” you mumbled sleepily, your head leaning against his shoulder as he guided you.

“It’s late and I think it’s best if you stay here tonight. You can take my room and I’ll stay out on the couch. That way you can have the bed and a door with a lock if you want it.”

You chuckled softly without lifting your head. “Jake, I literally tried to force myself onto you tonight, and you turned me down. I think I can trust you not to sneak into the room while I’m sleeping.”

“True, but whatever makes you the most comfortable.” 

He helped you climb into bed and covered you with his blanket. Almost immediately, your eyes fluttered closed and your breathing slowed. For just a moment, Jake stood there watching you sleep. You looked so relaxed and peaceful, that he wondered what you were dreaming about. It probably involved a blue-eyed, glasses-wearing WSO, or at least, he hoped it did. 

Leaning over, Jake softly pressed his lips to the top of your head as he whispered, “Good night, sweetheart.”

Then he quietly backed out of the room and went to try to make the couch as comfortable as possible.

The sound of the front door clicking shut woke Jake the next morning. After raising his head slightly and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he saw a note and a still-steaming cup of coffee on the table in front of him. Sitting up, he brought the coffee to his lips as he read the note. It was short and sweet: Thanks for what you did…. and didn’t do.

Jake didn’t hear anything from you after that. He tried to text a few times, but you never responded. He talked to Phoenix so at least he knew you had made it home okay after you left his place, but that was all the information she would give him. 

Days went by and he was just starting to think that he would never see or hear from you again when a knock sounded at his front door. And just like a few nights earlier, he opened it to see you standing there.

This time, you looked more like the you he remembered from before Bob’s death. The bags under your eyes weren’t as pronounced, your clothes looked more put together, and when you smiled at him as he opened the door, there was actually some light in your eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey….” he said as he leaned heavily on the door. “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you?”

“Um, better, I think. Still not good, and I don’t even know if I’ll ever be good again, but I guess progress is progress. Just taking it one day at a time, right?”

He smiled. “Yeah. One day at a time.”

There was a long pause before you said, “You really don’t like inviting me in, do you?”

“Oh! Sorry. Come in.” Jake stepped to the side, allowing you to pass by him, your arm lightly brushing his chest as you did. Once you were inside, he closed the door and asked, “So, uh, what can I do for you, sweetheart?”

With your back to him, you said, “I wanted to thank you for the other night. I wasn’t in a good place and I had been drinking and I made some bad decisions. And while I’m still not in a good place, now that I’m sober I’m mortified about said decisions. But the way you handled it….” You turned to face him, your lip quivering slightly. “Honestly, Jake, I don’t know how I would have ever forgiven myself if I woke up the next morning and realized we had gone through with it. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill.”

“Damn. I don’t think I would have been that bad in bed,” Jake scoffed, but he gave you a wide grin to let you know he was joking.

You smiled softly. “I’m sure you would have been exceptional. And I have no doubt that you could have lived up to your promise of making me forget everyone and everything but you in that moment.” Your face fell. “But after, when I did remember,…. It would have destroyed me. And I’m not saying I’ll never sleep with anyone ever again, but doing it that night– for that reason– would have felt like such a betrayal to Bob’s memory. So thank you for stopping me. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

Jake ran his hand over the back of his neck. “I won’t lie and say part of me doesn’t regret not going through with it just a little bit, but overall I’m also glad it didn’t happen. When you feel like it’s time to take that step, you have every right to sleep with whoever you want and you’ll have nothing to feel guilty for. But I agree that night wasn’t the best time for it.”

“No, it wasn’t.” You shifted slightly as you looked at the floor. “I, uh, I was having an extra hard time that night because the Navy finally gave me a box of Bob’s stuff and I found a receipt where he had put a down payment on a ring.”

Inhaling sharply, Jake said, “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

You shook your head. “It’s okay. We had talked about it a lot and I knew he was going to propose soon, I just wasn’t expecting that soon. It just made me think about all of the plans we had made that won’t ever happen now and…. I tried to drink the pain away but when that didn’t happen, I turned to you. It’s not an excuse for why I did what I did, but I thought you should have a little more context for why it happened.”

“No context needed. You got drunk and tried to sleep with the first available person you found. Who hasn’t been there?” You reached out and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze of thanks. The shift in your position drew Jake’s attention to something he hadn’t noticed before. He nodded towards the gauze poking out of the bottom of your shirt sleeve. “Didya do something to your arm?” 

A soft smile spread across your lips as you glanced down at the floor. “I did, actually. I thought a lot about the other night and you made me realize that no matter how painful it is, I never want to forget Bob…. ever. I love him and I will always love him and I don’t want to forget a second of our time together or what he means to me. So, I found a way to keep a constant reminder of that with me always.”

Slowly, you rolled up your sleeve and unwrapped the gauze from your arm, revealing a vibrant tattoo underneath that hadn’t been there the other night. It was a heart made out of a thin branch or vine covered with leaves and small, five-petal blue flowers accented with yellow centers. It was a delicate design that perfectly fit the curvature of your arm.

“Wow. That looks amazing. Remind me to ask for your guy’s number if I ever decide to get more ink.”

Jake reached out to touch the design but hesitated as you whispered, “They’re forget-me-nots.”

He glanced at your face which was still smiling though he could see a hint of moisture collecting in your eyes. When you gave him a small nod, he let his fingers gently graze the tender skin of your freshly inked arm. It was only then that he noticed the small, faint lettering on the stem at the bottom of the heart: BOB. 

Running his thumb over the letters, Jake said, “He would’ve loved this.”

“I think he would’ve too.” You ran your finger over one of the flowers as you gazed at it lovingly. Then you dropped your hand as you cleared your throat. “So, how much longer are you in town?”

Jake straightened up, removing his hand from your arm. “Just a few more days. I should be getting my medical clearance at the end of the month so I need to go home and make sure everything is in order for me to return to active duty.”

“That’s sort of a shame. I think your time on leave has been good for you.”

Jake frowned slightly. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. You’re…. different. Like, it’s not just the longer hair and the beard– both of which look really great on you by the way– but it’s your attitude and how you hold yourself. Plus I don’t think the old Jake would have ever done what you did the other night.”

“Yeah, well, then maybe this new Jake is just an idiot. He’d have to be to ever push you away.”

“Not an idiot. Just a better man than people give him credit for.” Leaning over, you lightly pressed your lips to his cheek. 

Jake felt his heart leap in his chest and it took everything in him not to turn his head and capture your lips with his. But you were right, he had changed. The old Jake probably would have kissed you, yet now….

Clearing his throat as you took a step back, he asked, “What do you think you’ll do now?”

Sighing, you said, “I don’t know. Without Bob, I don’t really have a reason to stay in California. My parents want me to move back near them so I have a familial support system around and I’m considering it. I think a change would be good for me.”

“Apparently, it did wonders for me,” Jake teased. “But whatever you decide, I’m always here if you need anything, anything at all. You have my number.” 

Reaching out, you placed your hand on his arm and gave it a light squeeze. “Thank you. I’ll remember that. And good luck going back to work. Be safe up there.”

You dropped your hand and started to walk out of the door. When you were halfway down the steps, Jake called out, “Hey… Maybe one day in the future if you decide it’s time to move on with someone new, you look me up.”

Glancing back towards the door, you gave him a small, reserved smile. “Maybe…. One day. Goodbye, Jake.” Then you turned and soon disappeared from view. 

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[a-reader-and-a-writer]

Make Me Forget

Winter Whumperland 2022: Day 8. Unexpected Kindness Fandom: Top Gun, Top Gun: Maverick, Jake "Hangman" Seresin, f!reader, former Bob x reader

Summary: Soon after a tragedy strikes, Jake finds you at his door late one night. Will he do what he has always dreamt of and you are now begging him for? Or will he find the strength to do what is right?

Word Count: 4300

TW: Emotional Angst, Grief, Death of a Loved One, Main Character Death, Tears, Drunk Reader makes bad decisions, Intoxicated Kiss, Tattoo

Notes: Thank you to @lorecraft and @green-socks for talking me through this and their support! I love you guys!

Sequel to No Laughing Matter but can also be read as a stand-alone piece.

As Jake poured his third glass of bourbon of the night, he was starting to regret not taking Coyote up on his offer to go to the movies with him and his new girlfriend. There wasn’t anything interesting playing, but it would have been nice to take his mind off of things and just mindlessly watch some robots blow some shit up or whatever for two and a half hours. But instead, he was sitting alone in a dimly lit room with only his drink for company. Not his smartest idea, but he just didn’t know how to act around his best friend at the moment.

For the past eight months, Jake had been on an extended medical leave back in Texas after he was injured in a training exercise. The break was actually doing him a lot of good. He had forgotten what it felt like to not have to try to be the best all the time. For the first time since joining the Naval Academy straight out of high school, he let himself relax and didn’t worry about how he compared to those around him. He stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard, both things he was never allowed to do while on active duty. It felt like he had control over everything in his life for once. That was until he had gotten the phone call.

Which was how he found himself staying in this rental house back in California a month before he was to be cleared for active duty. Though they had kept in contact through texts and emails, he hadn’t expected to be in person with the entire Dagger Squad again this soon. Or at least…. almost the entire squad.

Downing the rest of his glass of bourbon, he reached for the bottle to pour another when a knock on his door drew his attention. At almost one a.m., he had no idea who it could be. Only a few people even knew where he was staying, and he had made it clear he wanted to be left alone tonight.

Throwing the door open, Jake inhaled sharply as he saw the last person he expected standing just outside. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

You rolled your eyes. “Well, hello to you too, Jake. You sure know how to make a girl feel wanted.”

“No, I’m sorry. I was just surprised to see you here. Especially this late.”

Neither of you spoke for a long moment, each just staring at the other. Jake hadn’t seen you since the service a few days ago but you looked even worse than you had then. Your hair was a mess, your lipstick was smudged, and your eyes looked sunken and bloodshot. It wouldn’t surprise Jake if he learned you hadn’t slept more than a few hours over the last few days. Not that he would have blamed you. 

Finally, you broke the silence and asked, “You gonna make me keep standing out here, or are you gonna let me in?”

 “Oh, right, sorry.” Jake held the door open wider as you pushed past him into the house. “How’d you get here? You didn’t drive, did you?”

You scoffed. “No. Do you really think I’m that irresponsible? Phoenix put me in a car after she made me leave the bar. The guy was driving past and I remembered you were staying here while you were in town.” You stumbled slightly as you walked around the small space examining the decor. It was clear why Phoenix sent you home for the night, though Jake was surprised she hadn’t insisted on going with you.

You spotted the still-open bottle of bourbon sitting on the table and grabbed at it, almost knocking it off the table. Without even trying to look for a glass, you pressed it to your lips and took a long swig. You grimaced as you swallowed yet raised the bottle for a second drink, but Jake placed his hand on your wrist before you could.

He gently eased the bottle out of your hand and set it back down. Running his hand lightly up and down your arm, he asked, “Not that it isn’t great to see you and all, but whatcha doing here, sweetheart? It’s late and it looks like you’ve already had an exciting night. Maybe you should just be heading home. I can drive you.” He reconsidered as he remembered the three glasses of bourbon he had drank that night. “Well, I can make sure you get home safely.”

“I don’t wanna go home,” you muttered faintly as you ran your fingers through the few drops of bourbon that had fallen onto the table. “I came here for you. I want you to do what you said…. last year in the bar.”

Jake’s brow furrowed as he tried to remember what you might be talking about. “I say a lot of things. You wanna give me a hint which one you’re talking about?”

Awkwardly removing your jacket and letting it fall to the floor behind you, you took a step closer causing Jake to step back so you didn’t bump into his chest. “You said one night was all it would take. That after one night with you, I would forget his name. I’m here so you can help me forget.”

Jake felt all the blood drain from his face as he realized what you were talking about. The night in the Hard Deck when he had gotten very drunk and tried to fight Bob. Not that it had been much of a fight considering Bob had laid him out with a single punch, but Jake had still felt awful about it. He apologized to both you and Bob the next day and it seemed like that night had been pretty much forgotten by everyone involved. But he guessed he was wrong….

Jake placed his hands on your now bare shoulders. “Sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean that. It was a stupid, drunken mistake that–”

“You meant it.” Your tone wasn’t harsh or accusing, just matter-of-fact. You took yet another step closer. “You’ve wanted me since the first day we met, don’t deny it. And you can try to brush off all your comments as teasing but I saw the look in your eye when you made them. You meant every word. But that’s okay. Because tonight, I’m giving you exactly what you’ve always wanted.”

You slammed your lips against Jake’s, catching him by surprise as you pushed him back against the wall. Your hands threaded through his long locks, grabbing hold and using them to pull him even deeper into your lips. Jake could taste the strong sting of alcohol on your breath as your tongue slipped clumsily into his mouth and he froze, unsure of what to do.

For just a second, he considered it. He had dreamt about you often since the day Bob introduced you, and they were always the sort of dreams where he couldn’t look Bob in the eye for a few hours afterward. Yet he had resigned himself to the fact that even if you and Bob ever broke up, you weren’t the kind of girl to go for someone like him. So this, this kiss, this chance, it was more than he ever hoped for.

And yet the second you slid your knee up to rub against the growing bulge in his pants, he snapped out of it. Grabbing your wrists, he gently untangled your hands from his hair and eased you off of him. Your eyes darted across his face, so desperate and confused as to why he pulled away that he almost lost his resolve and pressed his lips against yours once more.

Panting slightly, he whispered, “We can’t do this. I–I can’t do this.”

“Why not? It’s what you always wanted.”

“I can’t,” Jake whispered again, shaking his head.

Running your thumb over his cheek, tears began to roll down your face as you whispered back, “Yes, you can. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone, Jake. He’s gone, and I’m falling apart without him. I just need someone right now. I need you. I need you to take me back into the bedroom and do what you’ve always wanted, just…. just make me forget. Please. Just for tonight. I just need this pain to go away for just one goddamn night.”

You leaned forward again but he shifted slightly so instead of your lips meeting, your foreheads did. Pressing firmly against you, Jake closed his eyes and took several long, deep breaths before he muttered, “Please don’t ask me again. I’m not a good enough man to deny you a third time. You’re right, I’ve always wanted you. I still want you. But not like this. We both deserve better than that.” Jake opened his eyes and stared directly into yours. “He deserves better than that.”

You jerked your head back as if he had slapped you, rapidly blinking in shock. Releasing him, you stumbled back from the wall, turning your back to him. When you finally faced him once more, Jake could tell some of the alcohol-induced fog had lifted. Tears were streaming down your face more quickly now and your bottom lip was quivering so hard, he could almost hear your teeth chattering.

Wrapping your arms across your chest, you sobbed, “What am I doing? He’s been gone for only a little over a week and I’m already throwing myself at one of his best friends.” 

Jake wasn’t sure if you were just being hyperbolic in the heat of the moment, but hearing you call him “one of his best friends” caused a knot to form in Jake’s chest. But he ignored his own pain and tried to gather you into his arms, “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

You struggled to free yourself from his embrace. “No, it’s not! I promised him I’d never do something like this. That he was the only one I ever wanted to be with. And now…. Now I almost–” Another wailing sob ripped through you, cutting off the rest of your words. 

Jake didn’t know what to do. In fact, he’d been having a harder time than expected dealing with what happened. As unrealistic as it was, Jake couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been different if he had been back from leave and flying with the squad. Maybe he could have provided cover for Phoenix and Bob’s plane. Maybe that lucky bullet from the enemy wouldn’t have broken through the canopy and struck Bob in the neck. Maybe then he wouldn’t have bled out before Phoenix could even land the plane.

But all the what-ifs and could-have-been’s in the world wouldn’t change the fact that Bob was dead, and you were currently falling apart in Jake’s arms. However, where Jake might not have been there to help Bob then, he damn sure was going to do everything in his power to help you now.

“Sweetheart, look at me. Look at me!” You stopped struggling and gazed helplessly into Jake’s eyes. “I can’t be your Band-Aid to try to stop the pain, but you did nothing wrong tonight. It was only just a kiss and even if it had gone farther, you wouldn’t have been breaking any promises to him. Even in marriage, these things are only ‘til death do us part’, right? You held up your end of the bargain and he would understand. He would want you to be happy.”

 “But I’m not! How am I ever supposed to be happy again when Bob is gone! We had our whole lives planned out together. He was going to propose and leave the Navy after his next tour so we could start a family. But now it’s all gone and I don’t know what to do.” 

All of the fight suddenly went out of you, and you collapsed limply into Jake’s arms. Holding you tightly, Jake slowly sank to the floor and pulled you into his lap. Balling your fists into his shirt, you clung to him frantically as your body was wracked with sobs. There was nothing Jake could do but hold you tight and remind you that you weren’t alone.

After what seemed like hours, your sobs softened into sniffles before you eventually fell silent. Finally, you whispered, “Jake, how do I do this? It’s just too big. How do I deal with it?”

He took a deep breath and held it for a second before slowly releasing it. “I honestly don’t know. I guess you just take it one day at a time. It’s the best any of us can do. But you’re not alone. Let your friends help you through this.”

“Is that what we are, Jake? Friends?”

“I’d like to think so.” There was a moment of silence before Jake asked, “Why did you really come here tonight? To me. Was it just because you were driving by or….”

“You weren’t supposed to be this noble,” you chuckled dryly. “I thought out of everyone… Coyote has his new girlfriend, Fanboy and Payback can barely look at me right now, and Rooster’s been glued to Phoenix’s side all week. She’s trying to be strong for me but I know how much she is hurting too and he’s really helped her deal with things. So, that left you. And with your reputation and your little thing for me, I thought it was a full-proof plan. I guess I underestimated you. I’m sorry.”

“No, I guess that’s fair. You were right when you said I wanted you and that there was some truth behind my jokes and teasing. But I hope you know I would never have actually done anything. I wouldn’t have done that to Bob.”

You smiled softly as you linked your fingers with his before squeezing his hand. “I know. And so did he. He never minded your flirting because he said he knew at the end of the day you would never actually try it or make a move. And that I would never try anything either. So he just ignored it.” You shook your head softly. “God, how could someone have been so good?”

“I don’t know.” Jake wiped a tear off your cheek. “But he loved you so much. You were all he ever talked about when we were on a mission, just getting back to you. And Phoenix says your name was the last thing he said before…”

“She told me. I just wish I had been able to say goodbye.” Your voice broke and Jake pulled you tightly against his chest as your tears began to fall once more.

But they didn’t last very long. All of your crying must have taken a lot out of you because as your sobs began to dwindle and fade, Jake felt you slowly sagging in his arms. When he glanced down, he saw your eyes drooping further and further. The tears, alcohol, and late hour of night were all catching up to you and it wouldn’t be long before you had passed out completely.

Jake carefully helped get you to your feet before rising off the floor himself. His legs were numb from the way he was sitting, but he tried his best to ignore the sensation as he led you toward the bedroom.

“Where are we goin’?” you mumbled sleepily, your head leaning against his shoulder as he guided you.

“It’s late and I think it’s best if you stay here tonight. You can take my room and I’ll stay out on the couch. That way you can have the bed and a door with a lock if you want it.”

You chuckled softly without lifting your head. “Jake, I literally tried to force myself onto you tonight, and you turned me down. I think I can trust you not to sneak into the room while I’m sleeping.”

“True, but whatever makes you the most comfortable.” 

He helped you climb into bed and covered you with his blanket. Almost immediately, your eyes fluttered closed and your breathing slowed. For just a moment, Jake stood there watching you sleep. You looked so relaxed and peaceful, that he wondered what you were dreaming about. It probably involved a blue-eyed, glasses-wearing WSO, or at least, he hoped it did. 

Leaning over, Jake softly pressed his lips to the top of your head as he whispered, “Good night, sweetheart.”

Then he quietly backed out of the room and went to try to make the couch as comfortable as possible.

The sound of the front door clicking shut woke Jake the next morning. After raising his head slightly and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he saw a note and a still-steaming cup of coffee on the table in front of him. Sitting up, he brought the coffee to his lips as he read the note. It was short and sweet: Thanks for what you did…. and didn’t do.

Jake didn’t hear anything from you after that. He tried to text a few times, but you never responded. He talked to Phoenix so at least he knew you had made it home okay after you left his place, but that was all the information she would give him. 

Days went by and he was just starting to think that he would never see or hear from you again when a knock sounded at his front door. And just like a few nights earlier, he opened it to see you standing there.

This time, you looked more like the you he remembered from before Bob’s death. The bags under your eyes weren’t as pronounced, your clothes looked more put together, and when you smiled at him as he opened the door, there was actually some light in your eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey….” he said as he leaned heavily on the door. “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you?”

“Um, better, I think. Still not good, and I don’t even know if I’ll ever be good again, but I guess progress is progress. Just taking it one day at a time, right?”

He smiled. “Yeah. One day at a time.”

There was a long pause before you said, “You really don’t like inviting me in, do you?”

“Oh! Sorry. Come in.” Jake stepped to the side, allowing you to pass by him, your arm lightly brushing his chest as you did. Once you were inside, he closed the door and asked, “So, uh, what can I do for you, sweetheart?”

With your back to him, you said, “I wanted to thank you for the other night. I wasn’t in a good place and I had been drinking and I made some bad decisions. And while I’m still not in a good place, now that I’m sober I’m mortified about said decisions. But the way you handled it….” You turned to face him, your lip quivering slightly. “Honestly, Jake, I don’t know how I would have ever forgiven myself if I woke up the next morning and realized we had gone through with it. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill.”

“Damn. I don’t think I would have been that bad in bed,” Jake scoffed, but he gave you a wide grin to let you know he was joking.

You smiled softly. “I’m sure you would have been exceptional. And I have no doubt that you could have lived up to your promise of making me forget everyone and everything but you in that moment.” Your face fell. “But after, when I did remember,…. It would have destroyed me. And I’m not saying I’ll never sleep with anyone ever again, but doing it that night– for that reason– would have felt like such a betrayal to Bob’s memory. So thank you for stopping me. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

Jake ran his hand over the back of his neck. “I won’t lie and say part of me doesn’t regret not going through with it just a little bit, but overall I’m also glad it didn’t happen. When you feel like it’s time to take that step, you have every right to sleep with whoever you want and you’ll have nothing to feel guilty for. But I agree that night wasn’t the best time for it.”

“No, it wasn’t.” You shifted slightly as you looked at the floor. “I, uh, I was having an extra hard time that night because the Navy finally gave me a box of Bob’s stuff and I found a receipt where he had put a down payment on a ring.”

Inhaling sharply, Jake said, “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

You shook your head. “It’s okay. We had talked about it a lot and I knew he was going to propose soon, I just wasn’t expecting that soon. It just made me think about all of the plans we had made that won’t ever happen now and…. I tried to drink the pain away but when that didn’t happen, I turned to you. It’s not an excuse for why I did what I did, but I thought you should have a little more context for why it happened.”

“No context needed. You got drunk and tried to sleep with the first available person you found. Who hasn’t been there?” You reached out and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze of thanks. The shift in your position drew Jake’s attention to something he hadn’t noticed before. He nodded towards the gauze poking out of the bottom of your shirt sleeve. “Didya do something to your arm?” 

A soft smile spread across your lips as you glanced down at the floor. “I did, actually. I thought a lot about the other night and you made me realize that no matter how painful it is, I never want to forget Bob…. ever. I love him and I will always love him and I don’t want to forget a second of our time together or what he means to me. So, I found a way to keep a constant reminder of that with me always.”

Slowly, you rolled up your sleeve and unwrapped the gauze from your arm, revealing a vibrant tattoo underneath that hadn’t been there the other night. It was a heart made out of a thin branch or vine covered with leaves and small, five-petal blue flowers accented with yellow centers. It was a delicate design that perfectly fit the curvature of your arm.

“Wow. That looks amazing. Remind me to ask for your guy’s number if I ever decide to get more ink.”

Jake reached out to touch the design but hesitated as you whispered, “They’re forget-me-nots.”

He glanced at your face which was still smiling though he could see a hint of moisture collecting in your eyes. When you gave him a small nod, he let his fingers gently graze the tender skin of your freshly inked arm. It was only then that he noticed the small, faint lettering on the stem at the bottom of the heart: BOB. 

Running his thumb over the letters, Jake said, “He would’ve loved this.”

“I think he would’ve too.” You ran your finger over one of the flowers as you gazed at it lovingly. Then you dropped your hand as you cleared your throat. “So, how much longer are you in town?”

Jake straightened up, removing his hand from your arm. “Just a few more days. I should be getting my medical clearance at the end of the month so I need to go home and make sure everything is in order for me to return to active duty.”

“That’s sort of a shame. I think your time on leave has been good for you.”

Jake frowned slightly. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. You’re…. different. Like, it’s not just the longer hair and the beard– both of which look really great on you by the way– but it’s your attitude and how you hold yourself. Plus I don’t think the old Jake would have ever done what you did the other night.”

“Yeah, well, then maybe this new Jake is just an idiot. He’d have to be to ever push you away.”

“Not an idiot. Just a better man than people give him credit for.” Leaning over, you lightly pressed your lips to his cheek. 

Jake felt his heart leap in his chest and it took everything in him not to turn his head and capture your lips with his. But you were right, he had changed. The old Jake probably would have kissed you, yet now….

Clearing his throat as you took a step back, he asked, “What do you think you’ll do now?”

Sighing, you said, “I don’t know. Without Bob, I don’t really have a reason to stay in California. My parents want me to move back near them so I have a familial support system around and I’m considering it. I think a change would be good for me.”

“Apparently, it did wonders for me,” Jake teased. “But whatever you decide, I’m always here if you need anything, anything at all. You have my number.” 

Reaching out, you placed your hand on his arm and gave it a light squeeze. “Thank you. I’ll remember that. And good luck going back to work. Be safe up there.”

You dropped your hand and started to walk out of the door. When you were halfway down the steps, Jake called out, “Hey… Maybe one day in the future if you decide it’s time to move on with someone new, you look me up.”

Glancing back towards the door, you gave him a small, reserved smile. “Maybe…. One day. Goodbye, Jake.” Then you turned and soon disappeared from view. 

Taglist: @loverhymeswith, @babblydrabbly, @mayhem24-7forever, @11thstreetvigilante, @merlehs, @green-socks, @sunshineflowerchild789, @shanimallina87, @topguncortez, @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy, @hederasgarden, @callsign-phoenix, @wildbornsiren, @lt-natrace, @the-untamed-soul, @inglourious-imagines, @airhogger, @piscesvancouverite, @straightforwardly, @bonnieelizabethparker, @srry-itshockeyszn, @flyinlove, @fandomhopped, @sweetheartlizzie07, @yjwnoot, @wanderdreamer, @callsign-fox, @imjess-themess, @joalsglasses, @curlyolly, @nobody7102, @footprintsinthesxnd, @thesewordsxlibrary, @double-j, @phoenix1389, @some-lovely-day, @fantasticcopeaglepasta, @forever-sleepy-sloth, @notroosterbradshaw, @dezthegeek, @blessupblessup, @cherrycola27, @phoenix1389, @nicangelinee, @smells-like-perfect-senses, @boringusername3, @petlaufeyson, @cycbaby

[macravishedbymactavish]

Logan Walker x F!Reader

TW for swearing, typical COD violence, everyone is traumatized after the events of the canon Ghosts ending, description of injury.

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Chapter 04

"Quick in and out, grab our correspondent and go," you heard Merrick explain to your team, knowing he was getting varied responses.

You were uneasy, feeling a weight inside your heart. Nobody was ready for this. It was too soon. But this needs to be done.

Keegan had gotten a briefing earlier on today, leaving him less concerned but still nervous. Considering this was the second rescue mission in under 3 months.

Hesh was cold, jaw set tight as he listened to the plan. Eyes studying the maps and diagrams. A piece of your heart chipped away, knowing he was both terrified and determined this mission. His first mission since Logan's capture.

You sat in the medical wing, legs crossed in the chair beside the bed. It was your turn as the best friend (or "Hesh Duty" as Kick once called it, only to be batted upside the head by a "not mad, but disappointed" Merrick for saying it). The physical injuries healing rather well, the emotional....not so much. Not that anyone could blame him.

"This is ridiculous, why am I still here?" Hesh groaned, walking back to the bed. "I'm able to walk around, and take care of myself. Why am I wasting a bed?" You bit the inside of your cheek, both of you knew why he was still admitted.

It was rather irresponsible to discharge him with the amount of night terrors he was still experiencing.

It scared the shit out of you the first time it happened. It was exactly a week after everyone was given the news that Hesh's survival from the accident was more than probable. You had been staying the night, the deep rooted fear that you would lose him too rooted into your chest. You knew from when you met Logan that Hesh was part of the package. A buy one get one free deal. Take it or leave it. Logan later admitted after a year into your relationship that he was terrified you would be annoyed by the close relationship between them. Considering they are polar opposites. You found it charming, heartwarming how the two would lay their lives down for the other (and eventually you as well). You had found a soulmate and best friend with the brothers.

You had been sleeping, when a bang startled you awake. Heart racing, you shot up glancing around the dark room for the source of the sound -- hearing a struggle in the far corner. Turning on the lamp you felt tears begin pouring down your cheeks when you saw him. Hands shaking in fists, pressed against the wall as he fought the demons in his head. The broken picture on the floor giving you hints as to what the bang was.

"David...what's going on" you whispered, walking up behind him slowly. Being mindful to make your presence known. "Hey." You were now beside him, watching tears pour down his cheeks as he started hyperventilating.

"You son of a bitch. Leave him alone" he growled through gritted teeth, followed by a scream of his brothers name. You felt your chest tighten, hearing the nurses come into the room to investigate the yelling. You backed up, watching as they guided him back to his bed. Your eyes widened at the crimson spot soaking through the gown.

"I'm so sorry, we need you to leave for now while we clean this up," one of the nurses started, giving you a knowing look. All the staff understood what your team had gone through, why this room was always full of people during the day.

"No." You heard a raw voice interupt. "Please, let her stay" His eyes now focused on you, tears still pouring out. Without hesitation you were at his side again, fingers intertwined in silent comfort as they cleaned the wound on his chest and applied new stitches. Listening as the doctor explained what night terrors were, and that they were going to prescribe medication nightly to prevent this from happening at least until his stitches healed fully.

"I was there again," Hesh mumbled, the drugs they gave, starting to kick in about 15 minutes later. "I was at the beach," his voice broke, green eyes filled with pain. You listened silently, willing yourself not to cry again.

"Every night I've been back there. Thinking we won, it was over. Then he's suddenly taken away again and I can't do anything about it". His blinks became longer as he started dozing off. "It should have been me. Dad and Logan are both gone and it's all because of me" was the last sentence he mumbled before finally falling into a drug induced sleep.

It was the first and last time he told you anything about that day.

"We need 2 for the close quarters. Keegan will be overwatch"

Hesh opts in, you feel Logan terrified in the corner. You were the only one he told about wanting out of this life. Whether it be fear of the consequences, or feeling like a traitor - he didn't say and you didn't pry. Soon the rest of the team followed Hesh's gaze; all eyes on Logan. Watching and waiting for a response. The quiet debate in the room: the mission is easy, but is he ready?

If I lose all my skill... everyone will be safe if they find me.

The words echoed in your head, so loud that you almost didn't hear yourself volunteer to work alongside Hesh for this.

Almost.

"Okay. Wheels up will be in 4 days - it's our first mission back as a team in over a couple of months. Train while you can, and make sure you're fit for duty here. No shame in taking more time if you need it, " Merrick finished.

You were on your way out of the meeting room after discussing the plan in further detail when you felt a hand catch your arm and pull you aside.

"What was that?" Logan softly snapped, expression clearly concerned. You were confused and quite frankly annoyed at his attitude. While you loved him more than words could describe, snapping at you for no good reason wasn't going to fly.

"I'm getting back to work. To make sure the training doesn't go to waste and to leave the world a little bit better, " you whispered back, being a bit more harsh than you intended. "Why are you so mad about it? My arm is fine, and this needs to be done. Hesh, Keegan and I will be fine." You pulled your arm back, trying to catch his gaze. Which he was making a point to avoid.

No, your heart sunk. Watching his change in demeanor.

We were doing so good.

"You don't.....nevermind. Good luck on the mission, " he deadpanned, turning and walking down the hall. Leaving you in a confused, frustrated state.

What just happened?

Taglist: @bloodonmyhands-1221 @ai-luni

[chaosandcrimson]

no way is that BEATRIX 'TRIXIE' VOS.. they’re a 28-year-old HUMAN notoriously known for being IRRESPONSIBLE  &  FLIGHTY but there are some people who have seen them being CHARISMATIC  &  NURTURING.  if you ask me, they remind me a lot of ripped jeans, messy bedsheets and messier hair, and little cuts and bruises from accidents, but that could just be because they’re considered the GOOD BAD GIRL around town. just keep an eye on them  &  see if their true colors shine through..

Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race

OVERVIEW

Name: Beatrix Kendra Vos

Nickname(s): Trixie (by everyone), Beatrix (by Ian)

DOB: August 31, 2096

Age: 28

FC: Lili Reinhart

Height: 5'6"

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Occupation: Nurse at Moggadeet Medical Clinic / Interrogator for the Skyport Mafia

Relationship Status: In a relationship with Ian Dutton

[+] charismatic, spontaneous, nurturing [–] irresponsible, impetuous, flighty

BIOGRAPHY

tw: child abuse, involuntary drug testing, sex work

Trixie was born into a very poor family in the lower class district. She has two older brothers, Ollie and Halen, as well as a twin sister, Chandler. Their parents were generally neglectful and only treated them as a means to an end.

All of the Vos children were used to make money by being put into illegal and unregulated product testing—usually by the Big Three and their subsidiaries.

Like her twin sister, she was subjected to extensive drug testing as a teenager. Unlike her twin sister, the drugs she tested were not designed to be used in the medical field, but rather in covert military operations.

The effects of the drugs included but were not limited to inducing specific hallucinations in targets, lowering their inhibitions, increasing their suggestibility, and generally making them more submissive and compliant.

As soon as she turned 18, she moved out and severed all ties with her parents. Finally, she knew what it was like to have a clear head after escaping from years of being in a constant stupor, and she vowed to never take another drug again.

She worked as a cam girl and later an escort in order to save up money for her education. The service she provided as an escort was strictly limited to being a paid companion slash professional girlfriend. There was no expectation of sexual favours, but she did have sex with clients, on occasion and at her discretion.

She kept her job as an escort through her entire education and training as a nurse. At one point, someone in the mob hired her as a companion for the night and ended up offering her a job at a mob-affiliated clinic once she qualified.

She met Ian Dutton when accompanying a client to the VIP section where he works as a bartender. They eventually began an on-again off-again relationship that continues to present day. At first, it was simply impractical for her to engage in anything long-term due to the nature of her work, but now that she no longer has that excuse, she still finds herself incapable of commitment.

She enjoys her work at the clinic, and has ended up with a more favourable opinion of the mob than she has of the corporations—which is perhaps understandable considering what she went through at their hands.

MISC

She does not smoke, drink, or take any kind of recreational drugs. She is even averse to taking drugs for medical reasons and has to be convinced to do it.

[dcb-z]

tw sick animal/pet death

being the resident adult having to weigh the "are they comfortable? how much is unreasonable to pay for medical treatment for a disease with such a short life expectancy? what's the QoL going to look like with aggressive treatment?" questions with a pet is one of the worst experiences. you want to go everything you can but you have to be mature and understand that there comes a point where there's no benefit QoL-wise for what you're paying and you have to let go. i wish i were still a kid so i could just be upset with my parents feeling like they're not doing enough instead of feeling guilty at myself feeling like i should be doing more even though i know im doing way more for him than my parents ever would have

he's still alive but his breathing is distressed (70p/m sometimes) and he doesn't go in to the vet until tomorrow morning. he's still eating but during the day he only really wants to eat out of my hand. sometimes he'll play for a little bit. i don't think he's in pain but i know he can't be comfortable with the dyspnea. i don't know where to draw the line on "he's suffering and i need to make the final call" and "he's a little uncomfortable but still has time left with palliative care." i don't want him to hurt but i don't want to be without him either and im scared of calling it too soon and taking away years that he maybe could've lived.

i hate having this kind of responsibility on my shoulders because i love him and i want to do everything i can for him but it's super irresponsible to put myself into debt for a senior animal whose QoL is only going to decrease with aggressive care, especially since the stress of that care will exacerbate his disease. i hate being in this position and i wish he could just be fixed with pills. i wish i could just have a sign that would light up telling me when it's time to give up so i know im not making him suffer or taking his life too soon. i hate it i hate it i hate it

and i wish i didn't feel so gross asking for kofi donations since i haven't written in forever and i wish i didn't feel so gross when my friends offer to give me money. i haven't accepted it because she has a baby on the way and her husbands father is dying and i just can't accept a loan when they're going through that. but i really wish i could because the financial stress of a sick cat is awful

[devouredsouls]

( ana de armas, cis woman, she/her ) — is that really alicia matos? i thought so, since i heard breakfast by dove cameron blasting just now. well, welcome to cole, wyoming! what brings you here as a 34 year-old? a job as a nurse and bartender at bario’s? wonderful. we’re glad to have you. talk around town is you can be a little stubborn trait, but i myself believe you’re more caring… but is it true that you’re not a workaholic but just in craze debt? wild. well, i’ll let you get back to it!

tl;dr: was raised by her grandmother and helped her out a lot growing up because of her bad health, which made her always want to be in healthcare. she was the only family that she had until she passed while alicia was in high school. it kind of sent her into a wild phase and she basically wasted all her inheritance on drugs, alcohol and her mother. she got a scare when she was going to fail out of school so got herself together and got into med school. eventually, money ran out and she did the stupid thing of getting out loans, credit cards so she's hella in debt. she's working as a bartender on the side to get more money and has taken more money than she should from drunken clients but it's a secret of hers because she's just so desperate to get the collectors off her ass.

personality — she is super caring for people in general and kind of leads with her heart most of the time. she does have some trust issues and is scared to open up because of the loss of her grandmother and how much that hurt. she can be stubborn to do things on her own but ultimately will do anything for people. she's a bit of a flirt because she does believe in love and does like to be in relationships even though it never works out for her and she never gets there. probably because she stands in her own way most of the time.

death tw, financial struggles tw. 

alicia was raised by her grandmother after her seventeen year old mother got pregnant by a guy at a party she met and never saw again.

despite it not being a secret to the young girl, alicia saw her mother more as an older sister who appeared on and off throughout her life.

her elderly grandmother was the most stable thing she had despite the way she struggled with health for most of her life. alicia took pride in helping out her grandmother by going to fetch her pills, presciptions, bringing her water or blankets.

eventually, her condition got the best of her and her grandmother died when alicia was in high school. the loss of her grandmother sent the teenager for a wild at a very detrimental age in her life and alicia found herself grieving in unhealthy ways.

the inheritance she got was quickly being spent on drugs, alcohol, and on her mother who was very much still irresponsible with money and partners.

the letter she received from school indicating that she was going to be kicked out due to failing classes and skipping was a wake up call and alicia put her main focus on finishing.

she graduated at the height of her class and got into medical school but never anticipated the loans and debt she would be in.

when her inheritance ran out, she did the mistake of accepting loans and credit cards from banks, added with her medical school debt, has been eating away at her credit.

despite getting paid well as a nurse, alicia had to find a second job in order to pay some of her debt off, even going forward to steal from drunken men a time or two for more money, in order to pay off her debt sooner now that the debt collectors are continuously trying to get in contact with her.

[troglobite]

fatphobia and weight loss discussion tw (basically discussing thin people's bullshit and the oz/mp/c bullshit and more)

tfw thin people THINK they're being progressive and fat allies when talking abt this oz/mpic bullshit

but then they use the words ob/se and ob/sity epidemic and claim that "losing weight is simple, but it's not easy"

actually wow it's neither of those things?

"ppl always trying to skip out on the fact that it's hard work, you have to move more and eat better"

how abt you die and rot in hell?

i'm fucking tired

it's just mind boggling bc in between all of that is how shitty it apparently is that thin is The Beauty Standard and always has been, how strides in "body diversity" (rather than, y'know, FAT LIBERATION) have been meager, and saying that it's terrible to be depriving ppl of medication they need--and that the fda is deeply irresponsible, etc.

but then on top of that

to say the shit from further above--

AND ALSO

"this is for ppl who are actually ob/se and need to lose weight, not ppl who want to drop 10 lbs"

oh and then

apparently--JUST LIKE LITERALLY EVERY OTHER METHOD OF WEIGHT LOSS--ppl who STOP taking this medication gain back all of the weight and then some

and this is used as a GOTCHA! for "lazy people who don't want to work hard to lose weight" rather than, y'know, anything abt how

LOSING WEIGHT IS DANGEROUS, ILL-ADVISED, AND USELESS, AS IT HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BEAR NO LONG-TERM BENEFITS TO ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING MANAGES IT

and also anyone who loses weight is likely to gain it all back AND THEN SOME within a few years

so the fact that this medication is making that happen FASTER is deeply worrisome

it sounds dangerous as fuck

it is NOT a safe alternative to ripping out your stomach--though it achieves the same result!!!

it makes you STARVE YOURSELF!

AS IF "OVER EATING" IS THE ONLY CAUSE OF BEING FAT

i'm so fucking tired i'm so sick of this bullshit i'm SO FUCKING TIRED

and what timing for me to finally decide giving this video a chance, being like, hey, this person, afaik, makes educated videos abt shit, i'll trust her

nope

thin people are gonna be stupid and thin every fucking time

the timing is bc this was the thing my mom got mad abt

it sounds like she was hoping to try it as well bc she's struggling to lose abt 15 pounds (which is literally all she "needs" to lose--to be physically more comfortable, and purportedly to help w a specific medical condition that, bc of my Deep Medical Anxiety, i haven't looked into to try and Fact Check bc i deeply disbelieve anyone and anything that says weight loss is a treatment)

and now it's like

sorry, you can't take this

it'll make you starve yourself

fuck with your basal metabolic rate

and you'll have to take it for the rest of your life

risking kidney and liver and pancreas problems, long-term

and probably malnutrition

bc if you go off of it, you will IMMEDIATELY gain back the weight you lost and then some

instead of just....

being a little bit more active to slowly, over time, replace those 15 pounds of fat with some muscle

like that's what i have to do

and does that sound similar to what that fucker was saying in her video? that people who want to take this pill are "lazy"?

yeah but i'm not repeating the same garbage sentiments and i'll tell you why :)))))))

it's bc this is excess weight (for both me and my mom) that the pandemic has caused

our activity habits have SERIOUSLY CHANGED

and she has been capable of going down 10-15 pounds when need be

but she is currently in a CYCLONE OF STRESS so of course it's fucking difficult right now

also actually there are two reasons she's "supposed to" lose weight

and quite frankly one of them i don't think will be affected by weight loss literally at all, just more activity will help

and also it's a thing that naturally fluctuates all the fucking time for No Known Reason (bc they refuse to look into it and just say You're Too Fat, Lose Weight instead of actually fucking researching it) and so there's a chance that in 5 years, it'll just be back to normal, everything fine

and the other thing won't even be a problem for another 10 years

so this desperation to lose weight is just this sense of being Stuck in a Garbage Fucking Life

it's not the weight that's the problem (except for any like, physical discomfort)

it's the stress and depression

but i don't get to just say that or talk to her abt that bc she'll probably just get angry and defensive at me again abt this shit

anyway i'm going to get aubrey gordon's books. been meaning to and just hadn't managed to. but i will now.

i really need the information within them to help ward off the surge of fatphobia going on.

also has anyone else noticed that ALL FORMS OF BIGOTRY are having a massive surge, as the tide of fascism is rising?

what a coincidence /sarcasm

[spiderywigglerodstuff]

skipping gray hair, heading straight into white

rambling about my life below if that interests you, lol - tw: suicidal ideation, language, long post

My hair has always been an extremely dark shade of brown, and I've never really notice gray hair, but now I'm seeing more white hairs daily. I'm well into adulthood at this point, I have a 'career' of sorts, a leased vehicle (that I recently damaged, haven't even dealt with that yet), decent apartment, on my own, but living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm halfway into the second year since my breakup, I doubt he'd read this, but if he did, I owe him a great debt for giving me the motivation to escape my shitty family in the country and move to the 'big city', but man, losing him really destroyed me. I share no small part of the blame for the end of the relationship, and in reality it may have not been worth saving, but my christ I miss him.

The last few years really fucked me up. I've struggled with my mental health my entire life, but 2020 feels like it broke something in me that made things even worse. My self destructive apathy the last year has resulted into me becoming a hermit, relying on amazon for food and essentials as I never leave the house, instead stewing in my filthy apartment trying to recover from work.

Heck, the last two months fucked me up too. I had pneumonia that never really went away, my lungs still feel messed up, and only today I genuinely feel like I am finally back to 'normal', despite all my other medical issues of course. The desire to end it, to stop my mind and body from feeling so shitty, came back with a vengeance. Not quite as closely as a year ago, but it was getting there again. (I still have the mental health emergency hotline stickynote on the dash of my car, lol)

But here, at this very moment, (0434 am, being irresponsible at work) reflecting on myself and who I am, I feel.. almost nothing. I am deeply, deeply remorseful of course, remorseful for everything I've done and failed to do, but I am still here. Still trucking, somehow, burying the shame I feel from my filthy home and car by ignoring it, and avoiding the outside by eating applesauce cups I buy in bulk. (And junk food, let's be real, I am fat)

The last week I've been pushing myself to at the very least try to be more positive, reach out to people more, but some fundamental part of me still feels.. broken. Again though, I don't feel hopeless. I feel neutral, like this can be fixed, I just need to keep going.

Maybe that is the secret? Even if I don't know how or why, I am able to keep getting up in the morning, even if I don't even know what I am continuing to exist for, other than one thing.

I wonder what I'll look like with white hair.

[lcvelctters]

D O M I N I C H U A N G

Name: Dominic Huang

Faceclaim: Lewis Tan

Gender & Pronouns: Cismale & He/Him

Age: 37

Birthday:  February 23, 1987

Occupation: Psychiatrist

Neighborhood: Summit Lake

Sexuality:

biography

TW: death

dominic grew up the oldest of 3 siblings and the one with the most responsibility, as expected. Not only did he have the weight of the most responsibility on his shoulders but he also had a ton of expectations that his parents put onto him at a young age. It truly didn’t matter what he wanted at the end of the day. He was to be perfect at everything he did. He was to make straight A’s, get a black belt in karate, and be valedictorian. All of those things were things he accomplished and not because it was goals of his own but because it was things his parents, once again, expected from him.

Despite all of the pressure that was put on him, he never let that distract him from his relationship with his younger sister. That mostly being because they seemed to toss her aside or act as if she weren’t as important as the rest and well, to dominic, she was his little sister and the most important person in his life. Of course, he had another sister but his relationship with her wasn’t anything like his relationship with the youngest sister and he always kept the youngest sibling tucked under his wing for as long as he could. That being, until he left for college.

Dominic got into an Ivy League School and unfortunately was as far away as Massachusetts. since he attended Harvard. Though he was far away, he still kept in contact with his sister and did what he could for her. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel as though there was no one there for her and well, he was sure that’s exactly how she felt when her parents forced her into an arranged marriage. The entire situation infuriated him, especially since it was something they had forced on him and he even tried to step into her shoes but they wouldn’t allow it and boy, did he hate his parents for putting her in that situation. Even more than that, he had who his parents put her with and he felt as though he really let her down.

He regularly visited home during the holidays but not for the sake of his parents but for the sake of his sister. She was and would always be someone he would feel he had to look after.

During his senior year of college is when he met his future wife. He didn’t meet her at school. He met her at a bar and she was teacher, something his parents wouldn’t be happy about. The thing about his parents is that they wanted the best and so he was sure that they expected him to find someone who had a job that would be the equivalent of his own once he was done with school. Regardless of that, Nina was someone he immediately found himself smitten with and the two were moved in together within months.

His goal had always been to get married before he started his family but during his first year of medical school, Nina informed him that they were going to have their first child together. Dominic couldn’t have been more thrilled and immediately proposed to the woman. The timeline of things were what his parents called “irresponsible” and they hated the fact that he was with her. He didn’t let that push them apart and instead, worked even harder to make sure that he could get through medical school so that they could have a good life.

Their first child, a girl named Maia, was born in April and he swore he’d never loved anyone more. Dominic had genuinely never been more happy than he was with the two women by his side.

When he finished medical school and finally received his psychiatry license, he moved back to Magnolia Springs in order to be closer to his family and at that time, it was the time that his youngest sister got together with her future wife. He was genuinely happy for her. The girl's partner seemed to make her happy and that’s all he really wanted for his sister. Sexuality didn’t matter as far as he was concerned but that wasn’t the way that their parents saw it and he was threated to be cut off before he could give his fiance a proper wedding. That’s all he needed his parents for, nothing else and so, much to his dismay, he had to give one of the most important people in his life the cold shoulder.

Dominic and Nina were married in the fall of 2016, and that’s when they began attempting to expand their family. It wasn’t as easy as the first time. In fact, they seemed to have some issues getting pregnant this time around and it took nearly two years for the two of them to get pregnant with their second child, a boy named Oliver. Not too long after Oliver, and without trying, their third managed to make an appearance and they named him Kai.

Everything, except for his relationship with his sister, seemed to be perfect. At least, until his wife was killed in a car accident. She was driving home from work late one night, having had to stay for a parent teacher conference, and the other driver ran a red light and plowed right into her. She died almost instantly and Dominic lost a piece of himself that night. His heart was completely broken and not only for himself but also for his kids. And despite wanting to give up, he knew that he couldn’t. He had to be there for them.

The day of her funeral was the day he finally cut his parents off. They made a comment on how he could finally find someone better and he hasn’t spoke to them since.

Now, two years later, he’s trying to find a way to fix things with his sister and parents a twelve year old, six year old, and two year old.

[dominichuang]

INTRODUCING → DOMINIC HUANG 🧠

"i've always liked tomorrow. you haven't made any mistakes yet in tomorrow." -ATTICUS

Name: Dominic Huang

Faceclaim: Lewis Tan

Gender & Pronouns: Cismale & He/Him

Age: 37

Birthday:  February 23, 1987

Occupation: Psychiatrist

Neighborhood: Summit Lake

Sexuality:

BIOGRAPHY

TW: death

dominic grew up the oldest of 3 siblings and the one with the most responsibility, as expected. Not only did he have the weight of the most responsibility on his shoulders but he also had a ton of expectations that his parents put onto him at a young age. It truly didn't matter what he wanted at the end of the day. He was to be perfect at everything he did. He was to make straight A's, get a black belt in karate, and be valedictorian. All of those things were things he accomplished and not because it was goals of his own but because it was things his parents, once again, expected from him.

Despite all of the pressure that was put on him, he never let that distract him from his relationship with his younger sister, Mei. That mostly being because they seemed to toss her aside or act as if she weren't as important as the rest and well, to dominic, she was his little sister and the most important person in his life. Of course, he had another sister but his relationship with her wasn't anything like his relationship with Mei and he always kept the youngest sibling tucked under his wing for as long as he could. That being, until he left for college.

Dominic got into an Ivy League School and unfortunately was as far away as Massachusetts. since he attended Harvard. Though he was far away, he still kept in contact with his sister and did what he could for her. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel as though there was no one there for her and well, he was sure that's exactly how she felt when her parents forced her into an arranged marriage. The entire situation infuriated him, especially since it was something they had forced on him and he even tried to step into her shoes but they wouldn't allow it and boy, did he hate his parents for putting her in that situation. Even more than that, he had who his parents put Mei with and he felt as though he really let her down.

He regularly visited home during the holidays but not for the sake of his parents but for the sake of his sister. She was and would always be someone he would feel he had to look after.

During his senior year of college is when he met his future wife. He didn't meet her at school. He met her at a bar and she was teacher, something his parents wouldn't be happy about. The thing about his parents is that they wanted the best and so he was sure that they expected him to find someone who had a job that would be the equivalent of his own once he was done with school. Regardless of that, Nina was someone he immediately found himself smitten with and the two were moved in together within months.

His goal had always been to get married before he started his family but during his first year of medical school, Nina informed him that they were going to have their first child together. Dominic couldn't have been more thrilled and immediately proposed to the woman. The timeline of things were what his parents called "irresponsible" and they hated the fact that he was with her. He didn't let that push them apart and instead, worked even harder to make sure that he could get through medical school so that they could have a good life.

Their first child, a girl named Maia, was born in April and he swore he'd never loved anyone more. Dominic had genuinely never been more happy than he was with the two women by his side.

When he finished medical school and finally received his psychiatry license, he moved back to Providence Peak in order to be closer to his family and at that time, it was the time that Mei got together with Carmen. He was genuinely happy for her. Carmen seemed to make her happy and that's all he really wanted for his sister. Sexuality didn't matter as far as he was concerned but that wasn't the way that their parents saw it and he was threated to be cut off before he could give his fiance a proper wedding. That's all he needed his parents for, nothing else and so, much to his dismay, he had to give one of the most important people in his life the cold shoulder.

Dominic and Nina were married in the fall of 2016, and that's when they began attempting to expand their family. It wasn't as easy as the first time. In fact, they seemed to have some issues getting pregnant this time around and it took nearly two years for the two of them to get pregnant with their second child, a boy named Oliver. Not too long after Oliver, and without trying, their third managed to make an appearance and they named him Kai.

Everything, except for his relationship with Mei, seemed to be perfect. At least, until his wife was killed in a car accident. She was driving home from work late one night, having had to stay for a parent teacher conference, and the other driver ran a red light and plowed right into her. She died almost instantly and Dominic lost a piece of himself that night. His heart was completely broken and not only for himself but also for his kids. And despite wanting to give up, he knew that he couldn't. He had to be there for them.

The day of her funeral was the day he finally cut his parents off. They made a comment on how he could finally find someone better and he hasn't spoke to them since.

Now, two years later, he's trying to find a way to fix things with his sister and parents a twelve year old, six year old, and two year old.