#tw: mentions of gaslighting

[cupcakeslushie]

Does Donnie after getting rescued believes that he deserved all the things that Kendra did to him? Does he 'miss' a punishment when he messes up something?

⚠️ warnings: brainwashing, manipulation, gaslighting, implied sa/dub-con⚠️

So Kendra doesn’t really need to punish Donnie. More often than not, he’s eager to take her word as gospel and do everything he can to make her happy. He has moments of discomfort—like he said here, “I didn’t like it at first”. But eventually he tricks himself into believing that he’s content as long as Kendra loves him. If he ever did get it in his head to push back, Kendra would manipulate him into feeling guilty or spend the day ignoring him, which is enough to send him spiraling sometimes, and come back with an even stronger desire to please her. Donnie really believes Kendra when she says she only has his best interests at heart, and knows she’s already done so much to protect him. He feels like he owes her everything and more.

[angie-words]

Second part of details from the Am I Broken: Survivor Stories episode titled Claire "I ignored It and I Believed Him Because He's A Storyteller [Neil Gaiman]". Part 1 here

Again, a reminder that I really, really urge you to listen to the episode if you feel able, found on Apple and Spotify.

EDIT (1st August 2024): two further women have made allegations

CW: details of sexual coercion, gaslighting, power dynamic imbalance, sexual assault, trauma, ptsd, sexual predator behaviour, grooming, abuse of power, discussion of rape culture, victim-blaming

Claire says she is glad the fandom is doing the work to believe victims, but she also understands those "burying their head in the sand" because that's what she tried to do

DeBoer asks what else has helped Claire, besides learning new vocabulary to help her frame her experiences (e.g. grooming, sexual coercion). She says that listening to her body's physical responses, including the trauma dreams, has helped

She began telling friends and she said this helped a lot as they validated what she was feeling rather than believing Gaiman's narrative

Claire says that writing has also helped her process, including writing letters she never sent. She wrote blog and reddit posts, but didn't publish any of them because she didn't know how to come forward with her story

DeBoer thanks her for finding the ability to come forward and asks her what allowed her to feel this was possible now. Claire says that talking with a friend allowed her to develop a certainty, especially when she starts advocating for herself and other people

Claire says that she had been in denial because she was trying to protect herself from the knowledge that someone she trusted and adored had violated her trust

She expresses a deep sadness about how her memories and love of Gaiman's work have been tainted by what he has done to her. She describes that loss of "such magic and beauty" as being deeply sad

The last time she spoke to Gaiman was 2022, which it now turns out was the same year he got Scarlett to sign an NDA.

Claire reiterates how he is seen as a god, deified by the fandom

During one call, he said "I don't know what I see in you - I'm an award-winning author and you are-" and he didn't finish the sentence but she says he didn't need to as the meaning was clear. She describes herself as one of many fans willing to do almost anything for him

Claire says she and others worshipped him. She says consent wasn't impossible, but she was operating from a hero worship complex, fueling a fawn response

DeBoer states that fans are incapable of true consent - what they see is a projection, they are worshipping someone who isn't real, and so they are incapable of being in a real relationship with that hero

Claire agrees it was his responsibility to open the discussion about power dynamics and adhere to it. She said he didn't check in or respect boundaries; she says that wasn't because of autism or something else - she doesn't know why he felt he was owed her body/consent. DeBoer agrees the responsibility was Gaiman's

Claire says that ongoing consent discussions are needed; DeBoer agrees that such things also need to start slowly, and they both discuss how fast Gaiman moved things between him and Claire

Reflecting on how these experiences have affected her in light of the allegations, she can see now she experienced trauma responses to things that reminded her of him. She had to distance herself from friends who still loved Gaiman; she found she couldn't even enjoy reading. She even stopped going into book stores.

Claire almost stopped volunteering at the rape crisis centre. She wasn't sure how she could advocate for anyone else when she hadn't been able to do so for herself. Her manager validated her feelings and said that if everyone who'd had their boundaries violated left, they'd have no one left. It's implied this gave her a new perspective and moved her away from some victim-blaming of herself

She still experiences feelings of doubt and a lack of self-worth in comparison to who Neil Gaiman is, what he's done. However, Claire is trying to move past this mindset, the voice of him in her head

DeBoer encourages her by reminding her that she matters, that she has a voice. They thank her for her bravery and courage

Claire hopes people come away with believing how our bodies respond to trauma - "listen to all of it, not just what people around you are saying"

Claire says she is not broken: she is sad for the child who lost her hero. At this point, Claire becomes a little overwhelmed. She states he influenced how she thought about the assaults

DeBoer ends by talking about how sexual abuse is about both sex and power, not just power as some have stated, otherwise this would be a different type of abuse. They say that there are many indicators of Gaiman having power (money, fame, social capital, age, maturity, gender, eloquence and mythopoesis)

DeBoer says the person with the power has the greater responsibility for shaping the boundaries of the relationship

They say that Claire's healing has come through being able to tell her story, finding the power within herself. DeBoer details an exercise called "safety bubble" that can assist with this (I'd recommend going to about 1:09:00 into the podcast if you want to learn more)

DeBoer reiterates listening to our bodies and how they respond to trauma - it can be difficult to interpret what the sensations we feel are, but it can allow us to reclaim our stories

They define rape culture and how it is insidious, blaming victims, then sharing original notes DeBoer sent when Claire first contacted them. They say Gaiman was testing and pushing boundaries, that this was predatory behaviour; they also said at the time that there was a high likelihood Claire was not the only person Gaiman had done this to

They end with mentioning where to find more information about restorative justice steps someone can take if they have hurt another person

I think that's all folks. It's been extremely difficult for me, as someone who's experienced sexual assault and also this kind of gaslighting thanks to rape culture mentalities. I hope this has been useful for some folks. Please look after yourselves❤️

[dostardoy]

"You look like you've gained weight"

Literally me:

[townofangels]

people who shame people who have eds here on tumblr are the most idiotic, selfish and dumb persons the universe has ever seen. having an eating disorder is a mental illness and insted of literally hating the community we should support each other to try and recover or at least give tips. STOP MAKING PEOPLE WHO HAVE EDS FEEL BAD ON HERE🗣️🗣️🗣️

[bruisedprincess999]

I hope all zoophiles do a meeting in irl and when they least expect it we lit them on fire 🤭🎀

[miss-may-i]

Miss May I: Season 5 Part 17

Noah: You know you could just come in. You still have a key, right?

Julian: You wanted to talk?

Noah: We are talking. Where's Jasper?

Julian: He's with Vivian.

Noah: Why did you leave?

Julian: You know why.

Noah: Why don't you come inside? Get out of this cold. Alaska is brutal this time of year.

Noah: All of Jaspy's toys are still here. What does he have to play with?

Julian: He has toys at Vivi's.

Noah: Vivi has always been good with him.

Noah: Why did you leave?

Julian: You know why.

Noah: No, I don't. I get home from work and you and Jasper are gone. Do you know why worried I was?

Julian: Work? Try that again. Harley told me you were fired. You've been lying to me and using. I can't be with someone like that.

Noah: So then that's it? You just leave without talking to me? Without even asking what's the truth?

Julian: So then what's the truth, Noah?

Noah: The truth is that everything I've done as been for our family.

Julian: What, like doing drugs? Like screaming at me in front of Jasper? Like losing your job?

Noah: Like supporting you. Like being there for our family. Like being there for your whole pregnancy, even when the group home tried to keep us apart. Like not leaving you to be a single mother. Is that what you want? That's what's going to happen if you leave. Please don't give up on our family.

Previous | Beginning | Next

Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3 | Season 4

Family Tree

[spreadingawarenessandlove]

FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE BASICALLY DEFENDING WILLIAM GOLD (WILBUR SOOT) BY SAYING HE'S AUTISTIC.

(starting notes: this is most likely going to be very much rambling and jumping from one thing to another. I am just very upset about the situation and what some people are saying about it and needed to clear my head.)

I, myself am autistic and ADHD and regardless of whether you realize it or not, you are stereotyping autistic people by basically saying that they don't know when to stop when asked and can't understand boundaries. Well!! spoiler alert!!! WE DO UNDERSTAND BOUNDARIES. AND IF SOMEONE ASKS US TO STOP IF WE'RE HURTING THEM/MAKING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE? WE WILL!!! WHY??? BECAUSE IT'S BASIC HUMAN DECANCY.

Autistic people are people too. With feelings, emotions, opinions, and boundaries. Just like every other human being on this planet. We are human, just with a more different mindset than most. And most Autistic people try their best to respect people's boundaries and to listen to people when they say no or to stop. If William Gold really is autistic and has a known habit of biting, he could have easily gone on Amazon and gotten a chewing necklace to help with the habit. They're like $5-11 and they almost always come in packs of 3-5 or more. I've had several throughout my life, and they really do help with said habit. So he has NO reason and NO excuse to be biting someone else instead. ESPECIALLY TO THE POINT THE PERSON IS SCREAMING AT THEM AND USING A SAFE WORD TO STOP.

And you people have to keep in mind that the biting isn't the only awful thing he's done to Shelby. He has physically abused her. He had pinned her down and had told her to try her hardest to get him off with full knowledge that she has been $e×ually assaulted before and then said something along the lines of that, he was so much stronger than her and that "she wouldn't be able to fight back". Had likely loved bombed her at the beginning of the relationship to make her stay(which, if you didn't know is a big red flag). Threw away almost all of her things after they broke up without even telling her. Manipulated her and gaslighted her (saying he wanted kids/marriage and then further into the relationship telling her he never wanted that & never said that) plus A LOT more.

Long story short:

-The autistic excuse is a load of fucking bullshit.

-PLEASE do some research about Neurodivergent people before you say anything relating to them online.

-While you're at it, research different kinds of abuse and manipulative behavior because you obviously don't understand that THIS? BITING someone to the point it HURTS AND THEY ARE SCREAMING? IS VERY CLEARLY ABUSE.

-Stop defending someone who already owned up to it (in the most shittiest and self-centered way possible, making it all about himself and also not even mentioning her NAME ONCE).

-Get off whatever social media platform you're on and either go play a game, go outside, read a book, or go to sleep if its late.

-And Always Support The Victim. NEVER The Fucking Abuser.

___________________________________________

(Final notes: I seriously recommend that you watch Shelby's VOD of you haven't and read these websites start to finish. You'll find a lot that relates back to William's behavior. Both inside and outside this relationship.

Shelby Shubble VOD

After reading them, I still recommend that you do more research about the topics I brought up. It could save your life one day.)

[valleyofthisdoll]

; 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝗎𝗉 𝗍𝗈 𝖺 𝗌𝗎𝗇𝗇𝗒 𝗌𝗄𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗎𝗌 𝟤 𝗅𝖻𝗌 𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖼𝖺𝗅𝖾. 𝗂 𝗅𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝟨 𝗅𝖻𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝟥 𝖽𝖺𝗒𝗌, 𝗆𝗒 𝗆𝗒. 𝗂 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍! 𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝟣𝟨 𝗅𝖻𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗀𝗈 𝗍𝗈 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖼𝗁 𝗆𝗒 𝗎𝗀𝗐 𝗌𝗈 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁 𝗆𝖾 𝗅𝗎𝖼𝗄!!!! 𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗐𝖾𝖾𝗄 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗀𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝖼𝗍𝗈𝖻𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈𝗈 𝗌𝗈 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾𝖿𝗎𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝖻𝗒 𝗑𝗆𝖺𝗌 𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝖽𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗆𝖾𝖽 𝗈𝖿. 𝗆𝗒 𝖻𝖽𝖺𝗒 𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗇 𝖿𝖾𝖻𝗋𝗎𝖺𝗋𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂 𝗐𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗈𝗈𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗀𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗆𝗒𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗀𝗂𝖿𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒 𝗎𝗀𝗐 𝖻𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇!!!! 𝗉𝗋𝖺𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗆𝖾 𝗌𝗂𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗌 🕯️

[caloricangel]

Skinny IS the outfit.

[sometimes-she-becomes-it]

Ok so y'all know about that one theory that since hal is a splinter of dirk and Hal is part of Lord English, that Ult!dirk has lord english+doc scratch+lil cal rattling around in his head at all times right?

This is probably a very, very cursed thought. But imagine dirk having reached ultimate self, currently having a *VERY FUCKING HORNY* lord English in his brain, specifically a Lord English deadset on tearing calliope apart with his bare hands and his bare cock too, if possible. To the point the desire to kill her hurt her FUCK HER is basically the only thing in his mind. A boiling pot that will explode unless the lid is taken off.

Imagine that Dirk messaging Callie, asking her to meet up at some remote location. Only the two of them, alone. It's been so long since they last talked, hasn't it? Imagine Callie accepting. Dirk is her friend, after all!

Imagine that the meeting starts out well. Callie talks to Dirk about her latest projects, while he hums and makes the right noises when he needs to. Sure, sometimes he throws a comment that is just too *mean* or a backhanded compliment, but Callie chooses not to say anything as to not sour the friendly encounter.

Imagine at some point calliope starts finding it just so hard to move. It slowly takes more and more effort to use her limbs. She feels weird- her head is just so foggy, so hard to sting thoughts together, it's no surprise it takes her a while to notice that some of the sweets dirk brought taste... different than they're supposed to. She tries to ask Dirk about it but can't put the words together and-

Things get weird after that.

One moment Dirk's sitting in front of her, acting concerned. The next, she's laying on her back, on the floor, dirk on top of her. Her hands are restrained- not that he needs to, but those claws can do a lot of damage, even trimmed as they are. Callie whines confusedly. What's going on? Isn't dirk supposed to be gay? Why does she feel so strange? Why is he oh god is he unzipping his pants?

Callie has read enough fanfiction to know what that means but not- not like *this*.

But she can't do anything to stop it, can she?

Cherubs mate by turning into snakes, but that's more or less a voluntary process. It is perfectly possible for a cherub to have human-style sex without turning into a giant snake. There are ways for cherubs to feel sexual pleasure. Caliborn knows this.

And now, Dirk knows it too.

It's in between these moments of confusion and pain for calliope that she hears dirk say something, it doesn't matter what exactly. But the phrasing and the cadence of it are just *so familiar*, Callie for just a moment understands what's happening, understands just *who* is behind Dirk's actions (as much as it can be said that there's anyone behind his actions ig) and that's what it takes for her to start trembling, start squirming around, crying begging- begging caliborn, begging lord english, begging dirk, anyone, it doesn't matter who, to "jUst stop please please stop, please aren't we sUpposed to be friends? Why are yoU doing this to me? Please don't do this please stop please please please please"

It takes many, many rounds before Dirk/caliborn is done with her.

(if you want to focus on the emotional aftermath too (which, I do!) then I see 3 options:

1. Calliope rationalizes her way around what happened. It was a dream, just a nightmare, nothing more. Nevermind the fact that cherubs don't sleep. Or dream. No, nevermind that. There's a first time for everything. She was just dreaming, she made it all up. There's no reason for her to squirm uncomfortably whenever dirk is brought up. There's no need to shake whenever she's all alone in some secluded place, there's no reason to be wary around any sweets she did not make herself. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

Right?

2. Calliope acknowledges that it is real but has no idea how to go forwards about it. She can't tell anyone. She won't. She refuses. What if she breaks what little is left of her friend group? Roxy would be devastated. Would they even believe her? What if they don't believe her and they leave her behind? She doesn't want to be lonely anymore. She'd rather die. If she has to choose between keeping the secret and ending up lonely and friendless? She'll keep the secret. Forever.

3. Less emotional aftermath but..... Imagine Callie, waking up after all that, without a single memory, of it, just waking up and her hips ache and her limbs are weak. She's laying down in some bed, Dirk sitting in a chair beside the bed, calmly reading. He asks her how she's feeling, and she knows behind his glasses that he is concerned. She says she feels fine but asks what happened. Dirk says she must have been feeling sick, because not long after they started hanging out she passed out- she hit the ground hard, hence her hips hurt. Callie nods, slightly confused because she didn't feel sick when she left her house, but assumes it must have just set in quickly or something. She thanks dirk for taking care of her and laments the fact that their hangout ended early. Dirk just smiles and says that they can always hang out again some other day, just the two of them. Callie agrees enthusiastically with the idea. The implication here is that this situation, all of it, is going to repeat itself again. Possibly many times over, before Callie realizes.

4. Last one bc I don't have that much for this one: Callie acknowledges it is real, and tries to confront dirk about it, but he threatens her, says that if she says anything, he'll kill her. Then he switches to saying if she tells anyone he'll just find them and do it to them instead. She wouldn't be so selfish as to do that, would she?

Calliope can't in good conscience risk that. She won't. So in exchange for being dirk/caliborn's only victim, she'll stay quiet and agree to go to their place whenever they want to, so he can use her for his own pleasure whenever he wants.

(she gets very good at compartmentalizing in this one.)

[hexastitchimera]

Hey friends, I've noticed that it's that time of year where people are being nasty, specifically and especially to us madfolk. If you've gone through that personally, I'm very sorry, and you have my solidarity & support.

However, if you'd like to know something that helps me a lot, is in relation to the dreaded rhetoric of:

[ TW: reality questioning / gaslighting ]

|

"Reality is a simulation!!"

"Life is an illusion!!"

"You can't prove anybody else exists!!"

|

[ /End TW ]

And all the others exactly like them.

Though I used to be very distressed over these claims, I've found a way to cope with them that doesn't involve lying to yourself and your rightful anxieties. If anything, it can foster a better sense of trust in ourselves, as well as a confidence boost.

When this rhetoric pops up, I tell myself:

"This does not and will not change how I have been living thus far. I will continue to live my life as usual."

"Even if that was true/real, there is inherent power in being unaffected and living life as usual despite knowing so."

And, most importantly, "MY lived experience is my LIVED experience, illusion or not."

Nothing about ferociously affirming- or denying- any aspect of what is "truly real" or not. You are focusing on and validating the experience of the most important POV in your existence, which is to say yourself and your own.

Though I am fully aware that, in the heat of the moment, our brains will respond in protective albeit intense ways, practice practice practice. Personally, I had to coax myself for nearly a month's worth of episodes before this technique started digesting.

Once your brain makes the pathways and connections however, you will find that it gets easier. It doesn't have to ever be "cured"- I still get paranoid myself over reality- but it can be mitigated for YOUR safety and comfort.

Because at the end of the day, YOU are here. YOU deserve nothing but peace, safety, good health, good company, and good times. Never let anybody- especially non-madfolk and psychiatry- tell you otherwise.

Love & Solidarity to you All,

- Delta 💜

[bitchycunt]

People who think that it's fine to take advantage of 'people pleasers' needs to be stabbed till their blood splatters on the floor like artsy painting, it would make a great perfect death art in my opinion

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Just so y'all know, I'm pouring some of my soul out in this post. It gets emotional-please mind the gaslighting tw <3 There's no pressure to read this, I just feel this needs to be said and hopefully will help someone out there.

In case this helps someone, the reason I say "Telling witchlings/baby witches that negative entities will pretend to be deities, or that they can't trust their deities is damaging" is because it damaged my craft directly. Not only as a witchling, but even now.

When I first started it was because I hid that I was working with Persephone from everyone except close friends, because I was scared I would be judged. Persephone came to me, and I had no reason to ignore the call. There was no questioning whether it was truly a goddess that had stepped into my head when I woke up from the fever dream (affectionate) that she sent me with the name "Persephone" blaring in my head.

Even now, Loki spent a solid chunk last night, late as hell, sitting with me while I spiraled. And it was a bad spiral, at least by my standards. I'm really good at gaslighting myself, not-so-fun fact, and I saw something talking about people convincing themselves that deities were around when really it was just their own imagination. I understand that that post might be helpful to some, so if anyone knows what post I'm talking about PLEASE do not attack them. And if you happen to have posted that, PLEASE do not continue reading this post and please don't feel bad. I don't remember if it was in my following or for you or your tags- but that's not the point.

The point is, of course my brain decided that today was the day to fuck me up! Yayyyyy. /s I had already been, due to some recent information I got about where my deity work will be going (that's a separate post) questioning the validity of my craft. Who the HELL am I to do that sort of work? Why me? I'm just some dude. I'm not even "just some dude" I'm some dude who actively struggles to do just about anything in life. Y'all I was having A TimeTM and seeing that post was the final straw.

So I sat there, cards in hand, completely unable to get any direct communication from Loki because my head was too loud and I was questioning whether or not they were even real at all. And I've gone from "trickster energy = asshole who laughs at others" to trusting Loki with all I have so quickly, because they sat with me. I could feel them even if I couldn't "hear" them. Card after card telling me I'm supported, I'm on the right path, what I've been told I'm meant to do is my path and not some "'chosen one' bullshit" as I remember wording it. Nothing but love and support. I pulled The Fool twice, which just felt like a nudge of "Hey, I really am here." (For those of you who may not know, The Fool is associated with Loki!)

This is.... a vulnerable thing to put in a tumblr post, but I leave it here anyway. I did get one thing from him, as I was going to bed. I thanked them for staying, even when I was too stressed and overwhelmed to hear them. And somewhere in the back of my mind, very firmly, I get; "I will ALWAYS be here." Long pause at the implication, because I know that deities often come and go just like people. "Always?" "Mhm." cue the clear image of them grinning.

So, apparently, Loki is here to stay with me for good. I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

But this is what I mean when I say it's bad to scare the witchlings. That post scared me, outright triggered me, and I've been around witchcraft my whole life and actively practicing for four years. Please stop telling people they're "just imagining" their deities.

[another-whump-sideblog]

Fixing Tracy — Communication

TWs in the tags

Masterlist

Molly knocks on Tracy’s bedroom door. “Dear? Are you hungry? I made you lunch."

Tracy sighs before unlocking and opening the door. It’s not like a lock could ever actually keep her safe, anyway, and she’s not going to get any closer to escaping by staying in her room all day.

Molly holds out a plate with a sandwich and grapes, and Tracy takes it.

“How’s your eye? Do you want a painkiller?”

Tracy shakes her head. There’s no way she’d ever accept pills from Molly.

“I’m really sorry.” Molly’s voice is strained and her eyes are misty. Tracy wants to hit her— how can she feel so guilty that she’s on the verge of tears but still not even consider letting Tracy go??

“Stop. Stop apologizing, I don’t want an apology unless it comes with being let out of here.”

Molly sniffles. “Okay. Sor— okay. I won’t apologize if it upsets you. Do you… want to restart the movie we were watching earlier?”

“…fine.” Staying in her room won’t accomplish anything. This way she can at least…

Well, surely spending time with Molly will accomplish something, if staying in her room won’t. She just hasn’t figured out what it’ll accomplish yet.

While Molly puts the movie back on, Tracy eats her lunch. When she’s done, she just drops the plate and lets it fall onto the carpet. Molly quickly scoops it up and takes it to the kitchen.

Tracy sits in the farthest seat from Molly’s usual spot on the couch. The movie is something animated with a lot of mice, but Tracy's having trouble focusing on it. Her only plan for escape once again involves waiting until nightfall, and she hates it. She wishes she'd asked Molly to put on the video game she played yesterday instead, at least that stopped her mind from wandering. Now all she can think about is how trapped she is.

Fuck, if she can't escape soon, her sister won't even know what happened. Alicia will think Tracy abandoned her, just… up and left without even saying goodbye, despite all the promises Tracy made about getting custody of her.

She's probably already hurting. She's probably tried to call or text Tracy in the time since Molly kidnapped her, and she probably thinks Tracy's ignoring her. Every second she stays here is a second for Alicia to wonder if Tracy's mad at her and worry herself sick, and Tracy's completely trapped and powerless. Alicia is hurting because Tracy's not there for her and she can't be there for her and what if she gets hurt by someone else?? Tracy's not there to protect her, anything could happen!

Molly leaves the kitchen. "Do you want a snack while we watch the movie? Popcorn? Hot chocolate? Ice cream? I'll get you anything you wan– What's wrong?"

Tracy realizes she's crying and wipes her eyes. "I want to go home!"

"No, you don't. What's really wrong?"

The tears won't stop falling. "My sister's going to think I hate her! She'll be crushed if I never come back, she'll have no one, and– and I miss her! I want to go home!"

"Alicia is fine, and I'm always willing to bring her to you if you just ask." Molly reaches out to touch Tracy, but stops herself.

"No! Let me go, stop– I'm scared, you're scaring me, I don't want to be here!"

"I know, dear." Her voice is shaky. "I have your phone. I can send her something so she knows you didn't abandon her, how does that sound?"

Of course she has Tracy's phone. Of course. Tracy digs her fingernails into her palms to try and stop herself from doing something that’ll get her shocked by the cattle prod.

“Have you— have you been using it? Have you been texting her?”

Molly shakes her head. “I’m… not confident in my ability to imitate you, even over text. And recently you made it clear you didn’t want me to interfere with her.”

Tracy gets up and starts pacing, trying to expel the blistering anger growing inside of her without attacking Molly. “Has she texted me?”

“Yes. She texts you memes and complaints about her teachers, and she doesn’t seem to suspect anything.”

Tracy punches the nearest wall with as much force as she can muster. Unsurprisingly, all that accomplishes is making her knuckles hurt. "Is there any way you'd tell her the truth? That I'm being held against my will?"

"No, I can't do that. The risk of you being found would be too great. Do you want me to grab you a pillow to hit, dear? I don't want you to hurt your hand."

Was the basement always this small? The walls seem to be closing in. "No, I'm fine. Could you– would you– what about telling her that I was forced to leave by something out of my control and that I'm trying to get back to her?"

"You'd be giving her false hope, unless you plan on taking me up on my offer to bring her to you. But yes, I can tell her that."

"Great, do that now." At least she can be honest with Alicia, even in this vague way. "And tell her that I love her and miss her, and that if I can't answer texts for a while it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me being in a bad situation."

"Your phone is upstairs, is it okay if I leave you for a minute to go do that?"

"Yes, go!"

"You won't find some way to hurt yourself while I'm gone?"

"I won't, just go!"

"I'll be right back, then."

As Molly unlocks the basement door, the thought that Tracy could try pushing past her and running up the stairs forms instinctually. But there's another door at the top of the stairs, and she'd probably get shocked in 'self defense' just for trying. Tracy's only option is to watch one of the doors keeping her trapped here open and close without doing anything about it.

Looking for a distraction, Tracy peruses Molly's many bookshelves while she waits. It's a very wide variety, carefully organized alphabetically by author. There are quite a few college textbooks, which seems like a very expensive choice for a personal library.

The bookshelf full of games has a bunch of jigsaw puzzles as well as the board and card games. Tracy can't remember the last time she put together a jigsaw puzzle. Maybe it could be a way to distract herself while waiting for the sun to set.

Molly comes back with a backpack that she sets in the corner of the room. "I sent what you said to Alicia. Do you feel better?"

"I feel… less worried about Alicia. What's the bag for?"

"I said I'd bring rope in case I needed it to restrain you, remember? That way you can have more range of movement than you did while restrained by my belt."

"...right."

"Do you want popcorn or anything?"

Tracy shakes her head and Molly sits in her usual spot on the couch.

Tracy takes a flower-themed jigsaw puzzle from the bookshelf. She's not sure if the table will be big enough for it, so she just dumps it out onto the soft carpet and starts sorting edge pieces, feeling a bit rebellious for doing so without asking.

“Oh! Can I join you?” Molly asks.

“I can’t stop you.”

“I won’t join if you don’t want me to, dear.”

Well… maybe it’ll make it more believable to ask for Molly to stay the night if Tracy agrees? Maybe she can make it seem like she’s desperate for company, even from someone she hates. “…you can join me.”

“Yay!” Molly plops down next to Tracy on the floor. “I can start sorting the non-edge pieces by color, does that sound good?”

Tracy nods and keeps sorting.

With a task in front of her, it’s easier to pay attention to the movie. It seems to be some kind of Sherlock Holmes parody? Molly’s taste in movies is… interesting. She’d offered to let Tracy choose the movie, but when Tracy declined, this kid’s movie is what Molly picked. Maybe Molly sees her as a child.

They spend hours on the puzzle. When the movie ends, Molly puts on another one (again, Tracy is given the option to choose, and again she refuses). They make it through four more movies before Molly takes a break to go make dinner.

Tracy barely notices that Molly left, or the movie finishing soon after. She manages to finish the puzzle on her own, which is very satisfying.

As she basks in her victory, she starts to notice the consequences of working on a puzzle for 7 straight hours. Spending the whole time on the ground can’t have helped. Her back and knees ache, her mouth is dry, and she’s really hungry.

A heavenly smell draws her to the kitchen. Molly smiles when she sees Tracy.

“Did you finish the puzzle? I hope there weren’t any pieces missing.”

“There weren’t.”

“Perfect! I counted all the pieces in those puzzles before you got here, but I could’ve made mistakes. But I didn’t! At least not with that one. I’m almost done with this garlic pasta, does that sound good?”

“…how do you— you said you stocked the kitchen with my favorite foods, and now you’re making my favorite meal. How do you know stuff like that?”

“…I think that would just upset you. What would you like for sides?”

“Huh? Oh…” she could keep pushing, but Molly’s right. It would just upset her, and she can’t do anything about it. “A salad is fine as a side.”

There are premade salads already in the fridge, so Tracy just gets one herself and pours it into two bowls, assuming Molly’s going to want to eat with her. She tosses the now empty bag into the trash. Molly prepares two plates of pasta, and the two of them go to the table for their meal.

Hunger and habit make Tracy want to eat as fast as she can, but she eats slowly anyway. It’s a small show of trust, implying that Tracy trusts Molly to not take food from her. That’ll make it more believable when she asks Molly to sleep down here.

“How’re your hands?”

“Fine.”

“I’ll help you replace the bandages after dinner. How’s… how’s your eye?”

Tracy’s very familiar with black eyes, and she knows this one isn’t very bad, probably because Molly iced it right away. “Fine.”

“Let me know if you want any pain medication, okay?”

“Mhm.”

They eat in silence for a bit before Molly clears her throat. “Tracy? It’s been a couple of days, and you haven’t changed clothes since you got here. Which is fine! I’m just… would you mind telling me why?”

Despite knowing about the closet and dresser full of her stolen clothes, it hasn’t even occurred to Tracy to change. “I don’t plan on staying for long.”

“What does that have to do with changing your clothes?”

“Do you have a camera in my room or something? Why are you so insistent about this?”

“I don’t have a camera in your room, or anywhere down here. I’m just concerned. Wouldn’t you be, if someone you cared about started to neglect their hygiene?”

“You don’t—“ Tracy cuts herself off and takes a deep breath. What does Molly want to hear? “You’re right. I should probably shower and brush my teeth, too.”

Molly brightens. “Good idea!”

Tracy finishes her dinner and grabs some pajamas from her dresser. She showers, puts on the pajamas, and brushes her teeth. Molly got her a new toothbrush and toothpaste, but they’re the same brand as the ones at home. The soaps in the shower are also familiar brands. How does Molly know all this?

It’s alright. This is her last night here.

When she leaves the bathroom, she finds Molly curled up on the couch, reading a book.

“Oh, hi dear. Come here, I’ll rebandage your hands.”

Tracy had removed the bandages to shower. She doesn’t think her hands really need to be rebandaged, but she lets Molly do it anyway, after tossing the bundle of clothes she was wearing before into her room.

“Are you feeling tired, dear? I’m about ready for bed. Are you okay with me going upstairs for the night?”

“…No. Please stay with me.”

Molly smiles. “Of course! I’m so glad you feel safe enough to ask me to stay. Is it okay if I go up for just a minute to change into my pajamas?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s fine.”

“I’ll be right back.” Molly makes sure to grab the backpack before she goes upstairs.

Tracy knows she’ll only be waiting a few minutes, but she still can’t just sit and do nothing. She paces around until Molly returns.

Molly comes back with the backpack, a pillow, and a blanket. “Where do you want me?”

Tracy had kind of expected Molly to want to share the bed, so it takes her a second to realize what Molly’s asking. “Oh, um… the couch?” She won’t be able to watch Molly and know exactly when she falls asleep, but that wasn’t necessary anyway.

Molly puts the backpack next to the couch and sets up her blanket and pillow. She doesn’t seem to be in a rush to go to sleep, instead she opens her book back up and starts reading.

She’ll go to sleep eventually. Tracy heads into the bedroom.

“Goodnight, dear. I love you.”

“…goodnight.”

Just one more long wait, and she’ll be able to go home.

[totally-bing]

stop gaslighting. im going to stab you

you don't even know what gaslighting is. and since when did you learn how to use a knife? you never got any formal training

[novellapink]

Today, it'll be a year since you left me, and here's everything I wanted to tell you:

You left a gash in my chest. It opens and closes. It bleeds and scabs from time to time. No one has ever hurt me like this. And maybe the worst part is that you do not have a clue why you did it. Or you just refuse to tell me why. You said you wouldn't wound me or leave me disheveled and weak. You said you wouldn't, and you did it anyway. You called me your "golden egg." One that everyone knew you'd drop. And shatter. You left me a wreck. Maybe you knew you could have done worse. You told me you'd get worse. You even said, "If I had the choice, if I really wanted to, I'd drag you down with me. I need to be alone." Maybe I should be thanking you for sparing me the pain, a pain I would have surely convinced myself I could have endured, but it's a difficult thing to keep reminding myself. And you immediately started dating the girl you said you only saw as a friend. What am I supposed to think? You didn't really want me? I was merely a projection? A tool of enjoyment? Or maybe she doesn't challenge you to be better like I did. That I was stable and too well put together for you to compete with. I was something that you weren't. It'd take you to change your ways to be with me. Why weren't you just honest? Why hurt me? Someone who loved you deeply. I've been learning forgiveness. It is excruciating. It is boring. My body wants to hold on to the anger, mostly because it is the last morsel of you I have. My spite for you. You hurt me through and after the relationship. And yet here I am, giving you the grace of being human. Being a hurt person that hurts people. This isn't your excuse, but your explanation. My forgiveness of you isn't for you. It's for me. To let go of resentment and move forward. You are not absolved of your poor behavior, but know I see the scared, angry, hurt, and abandoned child that is trying to survive inside you. Know I can empathize. Know I, too, wish I could be understood on why I may bite. Why I have ran and hid. I hope I am extended grace from others. I give it to you because I'd want it. You hurt me so bad. I almost took my own life, but I am strong. So strong. I'll close this gash in my chest, and you'll become only a memory. That's how I want you.