#tw: implied si

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

"It's rotten work, taking care of me." "Not to me, not if it's you."

Your Safe Space | Levi Hurt/Comfort Oneshot

✧ word count ➼ 1.2k ✧ content/warnings: implied SI (no explicit mentions), negative self-talk, masking, levi being comforting in his levi way ✧ notes ➼ Hi friends! Doing a formal note for once (surprise, surprise, I know 👀) But I found out some not-so-great news a few hours ago that set off one of my only-five-minutes-but-very-intense-and-chaotic BPD episodes, so I decided to write on it :'D I didn't explicitly mention the BPD in it and this can absolutely be applicable to readers without BPD, but that's the conceptualization!

It started as an empty feeling in your chest. Then, it turned into your palms sweating. Why won't your palms stop sweating? You'd rubbed them off so many times that your hands were now raw.

It turned into a lump in your throat. Did you eat something weird? Was the air quality bad?

When you felt the heat gathering behind your eyes, you knew exactly what it was.

No. No, no, no.

This isn't the place.

This isn't the time.

Shut your eyes. Count to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Breathe in and out.

Swallow it down. Close that door. Don't let it take over. Don't let the thoughts take over. Don't let-

You kept on repeating those thoughts to yourself over and over again throughout the rest of the day. No matter what happened, you would not give in.

The rest of the day was a blur, to the point that you didn't even remember when you had gotten home.

Even within the safety of your own home, you repeated those thoughts:

Swallow it down. Close that door. Don't let it take over. Don't let the thoughts take over.

For most people, emotional turmoil was something that was significant, but not debilitating. Most people could have a cry or go out with friends for a distraction and be okay. You were not one of those lucky people.

You had the misfortune of living with a condition that was highlighted by extreme emotional episodes. On good days, you'll cry and be okay. On bad days, you have to literally tie yourself down or have Levi attached to you to make sure you didn't do anything too extreme.

Most people would let themselves feel whatever it was that was bubbling inside them—but most people didn't have to live with this. If you broke down, if you let yourself feel even an ounce of your grief, you'd trigger those thoughts and you couldn't afford that right now.

These episodes would only last about 5-10 minutes and were sporadic and unpredictable, but they were always so intense that even those few minutes felt agonizing.

You heard the door unlock. Levi was home.

Swallow it down. Close that door. Don't let it take over. Don't let the thoughts take over.

Home was a safe space, but you knew that your masking would crumble as soon as Levi walked in. He was the only person that you were comfortable being emotionally vulnerable around, but that also translated to your inability to fully mask around him. You knew—with how intensely you've had to fight to hold it back—that he just had to say the right words and it would all come crashing down onto you.

You stood agonizingly still in the kitchen as you began brewing some coffee. You hoped that keeping your hands busy would help you mask and also help with convincing Levi that you were okay, even if you weren't.

That ruse lasted for about 0.5 seconds. He was able to immediately sense that something was off. You were tense and quiet.

"Rookies piss you off again?" he asked as he slowly stepped into the kitchen next to you.

You blinked at him and then gave him a forced smile—one he was easily able to see through.

"No," you replied, turning back to your coffee-making. "Just a long day-"

"Cut the bullshit," he said sternly with a frown on his face, barely giving you enough time to finish your sentence.

You felt the mask crack. You desperately tried to put it back together.

"Wh-What are you talking about?" you forced your words through a fake smile again, although you felt that lump in your throat rapidly reforming again.

Levi sighed, took the coffee mug out of your hand, and set it down. He grabbed onto your shoulders and looked you in the eye.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his gaze softening. "Talk to me."

As soon as he said the words 'what's wrong', you felt your mask cracking at irreparable rates.

Realizing you wouldn't be able to hold it in, you tried to look away from him, but Levi was faster. He grabbed your chin and made you look into his eyes.

This wasn't a new thing he's witnessed. He knew of the particular struggles you had to cope with. He knew how afraid you were to express your emotions in fear of what it could turn into.

"L-Levi, please don't-"

"Let me be your safe space," he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

You felt as if time stood still as he spoke those words to you. By the time your internal clock started ticking again, the tears were rushing out.

Embarrassed beyond belief, you buried your face into your hands, as if you were trying to hide from him.

You felt his arms wrap around you and pull you in, the rush of his cologne hitting your nose, bringing you a sense of comfort.

He remained silent. He didn't push you to talk. He knew your mood swings were just a part of your condition and that the only thing you could do was to let it pass.

"I-I'm sorry, I really tried-"

"Tried what?" he mumbled as he rubbed circles on your back with his thumb and used his other hand to gently run his fingers through your hair.

"T-To hold it back, to keep it in, to just get over it, or shut it out, or-"

You felt his chest rise and fall as he sighed.

His lips parted as he began to speak.

"I know it's hard, but-"

"And I know you said it's okay to feel it when I'm around you, but it's so fucking hard," you hissed through grit teeth, your tears burning the inside of your eyelids. "It's so hard even when I don't feel like I'm burdening you to no end—and giving in makes those thoughts come up and it's so scary and difficult to fight off."

You gripped at his now tear-soaked shirt tightly as you buried your face further into his chest.

"And I just don't want to feel this way anymore-"

You felt your windpipe begin to convulse from the sobbing and stopped talking, trying to take deep, unsteady breaths to stabilize yourself again.

He waited a few seconds for your breathing patterns to return to normal before kissing the top of your head.

"It's okay to feel the way that you do," he whispered as he continued to gently run his fingers through your hair. "You don't need a reason for it—so quit trying to hide it around me."

You quietly sobbed for the next few minutes, feeling the climax of your episode begin to pass. The storm that had been brewing in your mind was beginning to calm.

"...sorry," you said quietly as you sniffled.

Levi pulled back ever-so-slightly so that he could look at you better.

"For what?"

You looked at him with a defeated look in your eyes.

"I know it's rotten work," you whispered, "taking care of me and-"

Levi lifted your chin and stared at you intensely, as if he was demanding you to take back your words.

"Not to me," he said quietly, his gaze never leaving yours. "Not if it's you."

#: @chaotic-on-main @romantichomicide95 @lovolee3 @levisbrat25 @leviismybby @moonmalice @averysmolbear @tclbts @belovedackerman @bejewelledd @fuyulvr @sad-darksoul @ackermendick @aomi04 @apolloshaiku @laraackerman @pulpolicia @levis-squishy-cheeks @roseofdarknessblog @luvjiro @noctemys @sixpennydame @dumbfound-princess @evas-leslas @einnyl @raenacreates @deepzombieyouth join my taglist! and also please lmk if you wanna be taken off so i'm not playing mental gymnastics about not spamming people's notifs :')

[jiraisupportgroup]

[evilminji]

Been Havin Thoughts™ >.>

About the Tragedy of SI-OC born too late to change anything...

About KNOWING. Exactly what's going to go wrong. Potentially how to fix it. Having a head crammed FULL of hundreds of authors of Fix-Its, Meta discussions, Tumblr posts. Uncertain that it truely WOULD change anything... but? Plans within plans. Possibilities. The options and ability to do SOMETHING. All there.

All useless.

Because... Because, you? You are a child.

Born too late too make a difference. The machinations of monsters are already well underway and it is far too late to stop that trolley, bearing down on you. No. No, now?

Now you get to make a CHOICE.

The needs of the many? The needs of the few? Yourself? Who do you try and save? Who CAN you save? From this sinking ship. This slow, painful, tragedy? No one's going to listen to a child. Not really. Not TRUELY. You are merely... a Witness.

There are SO MANY Scenarios!!!

But! For this? The one that currently haunts me?

Force Nexus~☆ under the Temple~☆! What COULD it do? I wonder?

Imagine it. You are a Youngling. A Temple Child. You KNOW what is coming. Order 66. The suffering. The Death. An empire built on the enslavement of good, loyal men. The genocide of Jedi. Every night you struggle to sleep. Toss and turn. Look at the tiny sleeping faces of children in you Creche... and you KNOW.

You KNOW.

Just as you KNOW... that no one will listen to you. You did try. Carefully. And you are glad you did. Your trust was betrayed. They did not listen. The end barrels closer and closer. The Force WEEPS in your mind, like a wound hidden in smoke. You... you have to decide.

Save yourself? Run? You could. You might survive.

Take the infants? Bundle them away in the night? You'd have to time it just right. Or they'd chase you to the ends of the galaxy.

Or... or do you do... THAT?

The thing that scares you. The one your not sure your brave enough to do. The one that... that would be JEDI of you? You are scared. Just a child. Thought... thought you would have longer...

In your heart... already know. Exactly what you're going to do.

So you sneak out. It's far too easy. With so many minders, away at War. Hang around the Senate. Well away from the Sith. You... you just need the inevitable to happen. Hate yourself, for preying on the Vode. Sure enough? Some asshole orders a good man to be "decommissioned" over imagined offense.

He is escorted away by his brothers.

You follow.

Let them grieve. Before quietly interjecting. You need his help. To save his brothers. Since he is to die either way... would he mind dying with you? You hate asking. What choice does he HAVE now, really? He is condemned. You feel like a monster.

When he asks if you are CERTAIN it will help his brothers, you think of the records you have read. Yes. Yes it will.

He does not look at you, like you are a monster. There is a grieving understanding between instead. You leave at once. Back to the barracks. Things left behind he will not be coming back for. Everytime you leave the temple, you are much the same.

Now you decend.

Down and down. Level by level. Past where the light no longer reaches, past breathable air. To the old temple. Long forgotten. Desecrated by the Sith. You are a youngling. You can not purify this place. But oh... oh you can try. Any spark of Light in this darkness. Like a trail of breadcrumbs, made of stars.

Down and towards the Nexus.

It rattles your bones. Aches in your teeth. Colors beyond color, time outside of time. Every step becomes a struggle. Until it is too much. You must be carried. Your trooper does not mind. Helps you stay present, attached to your skin. Luminous as you are.

You... You get there.

It Is BEAUTIFUL.

The Force is HERE. And Here flows the Force. Everything One. Your lines, simple matter, begin to break. How... how could you possibly care? It is... no. The hand in your's reminds you. Your reason for all of this. The Vode. Their fate. You look to the man who has become your friend. Would weep for him, if you could. But... but it is too late now.

For both of you.

You are One with the Force. And the Force is One with you.

In the starlight, the fracturing, of what's left of your brain... you PULL. The chip. The advanced aging. The shroud the Sith has pulled around himself. All... all things are possible, in the Force. ALL THINGS. Perhaps not all... with flesh and bone... but? With the Force? The... The Vode will be free.

What is distance, mere matter, to The Force?

We are everywhere and nowhere. Everything and nothing. Our power is infinte and killing us. And... and that is okay. It does not hurt. The Light... the Light is BEAUTIFUL. We did this on our own two feet.

We are one with the Force.

And that is okay.

[camvents]

Me: I just don’t want you guys to be disappointed in me, especially you

Guy who’s basically the dad I never had: I don’t think disappointed is the right word, sweetheart. I’m actually starting to get very, VERY concerned

[4qu3er1us-punk]

one of the worst feelings is your parents not understanding.

“mom, im trans”

“i dont know about that, you dress pretty feminine”

until then i had essentially no masc clothing or anything and i was bullied for being ugly so i wore makeup. like

“mom, i think i have an eating disorder because i hate eating and am never hungry”

“is it because you wanna be skinny? do you not eat to be skinny? youre already skinny youve always been picky.”

it used to be because i thought i was fat when i was like 8 and it’s evolved into this since then but is no longer for that reason..

“mom i think im depressed. (explains symptoms of severe depression and borderline suicidal ideation but doesnt go into it or my hidden self harming because she’d be mad)”

“thats normal.”

what the fuck. also i got diagnosed so that shut her up

“mom can i go out with friends?”

“no. it doesnt matter that EVERYONE IN YOUR GRADE has had a sleepover before or gone to their friends houses or can go to a park a BLOCK AWAY from their house, their parents are crazy. besides you have to eat first its not my fault you refuse to eat”

so every parent of a high schooler in the world? and then she expects me to be PERFECT and happy but not hyper happy just not sad and mature and respectful and get straight a’s. also mom im not hungry and gave you a chance to look into it but fucking fine.

fine.

im. done.

im not gonna 💀 but im just done talking. im not talking unless im interacted with first anymore. im not doing anything other than exactly what she says anymore. i wont talk to my friends or do extracurriculars, just school. i will become a literal npc, since thats what she wants. she wont even call me her son or male terms, she rarely uses he/him and just uses they them, and on occasion calls me my preferred name rather than sis. she still calls me my deadname sometimes. she compares it to if she changed her name to lisa and i had to call her that. the difference is its not for mental health and safety and I WOULD DO IT CORRECTLY. is this toxic or am i dramatic? i just cant do it anymore.

[agena87]

They're in love, your honour. The blood? Er... Mémie accidentally hurt himself while buttering his toast? (It totally didn't happen while they were hunting a man who might or might not be dead in a forest, half-eaten even before the wild beasts arrived)

(the editing didn't eat Mémie's scars for once! Woohoo!)(well, it did but I changed my .psd a bit, and now we can see every mark his fucking uncle left on him)

[corviddoll]

TW : blood, abuse, and sui ideation (past) self - victim blaming, *Vent*

My ex abused me... I genuinely believe it was my fault. I'd never in a million years think that about anyone else, but I knew better, and I still just let it happen. I could've fought back. I had people who would've listened if I'd told them. And truly, they never meant to hurt me. They were blinded by their own ongoing trauma.

I was already depressed, but that's not even why. It wasn't even the fact that I loved them. I just tried to get them to understand for so long that any attempt to make things better started to sound like a way to get hurt even worse. Having to choke the word no back down starts to hurt worse than just letting it burn inside the pit of your stomach. It's not their fault they didn't know better.

It always felt like being hollowed out and filled back with lead. Near the end, they made me bleed, so much that I had to give up on getting it to stop and make a makeshift pad out of toilet paper in the school bathroom. That experience led me to consider my options to be breaking up with them or ending my own life, catching myself thinking that was the reason I finally left them. Even then, it took me a couple of months to do it, I was so scared of what they'd to to themselve or me.

[ashesh2ashes]

Alone inside a crowd. To scream without a sound.

How is it im tired but never sleepy. I sleep and sleep but its tired every day. Nonstop. Never ending. Always here to stay.

Get the fuck out of my head please just let me have a normal day outside for fucking once.

My face turns to a grimace. My eyes stare a thousand yards past their eyes. Their words deafening as they fall on my ears.

GETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMYHEAD.

Every other time its nothing but morbid thoughts of mortality and guilt.

My thighs and arms are patterned ladder lace. My shoulders like that of tigers. My eyes lidded heavy with sorrow.

I open my eyes but the colors are in sepia tone.

How odd to see green as gray. How strange to see the sky as dull whites. Water shimmers an overexposed sun beam. It hurts.

I just cant hurt anymore.

My stripes have gone up again.

51, 52, 53, 54, 56, 57, 58....

How many more until something changes.

Only time can tell.

[twinknote]

folks it’s a good thing i have kinktober to distract me because life is making me want to google search the nearest tall building

[the-dino-system]

I don’t think anybody cares anymore

[catgirlwarrior]

Highly interesting that I was starting to feel consistently ok and like I didn't want to die and then suddenly little things have been frustrating me so bad I want to kill myself again....conveniently at the exact same time (almost to the day) that summer classes started.

RSD and feeling like I'm worthless and no one wants me around immediately spiked. Feeling like I don't want to connect with anyone including people I was really attracted to a week ago the second I have to attend classes again. Even shit like sensory overload/overstimulation spiking about shit that was totally fucking fine a week or two ago. This is not a coincidence.

[anonymous-tals]

The Forget-Me-Now Blues

by Me

A bottle of deep, dark forget-me-now blues

That slathers you’re life till it’s murky and hazy

It draws your hand in and tells you to swallow

And colors your vision till you die or go crazy

It’s the color of always trying to find your place

The color of knowing you’ll never have one

The color of being told get away, get away

But having no home so you’re stuck on the run

The color of yesterday crumbling like sand

The color of shame lifting off of your back

The color of lingering hatred of self

Taking its toll till the day that you crack

The color of wanting to be someone else

Of wishing that you had some other choice

The color of knowing you probably should stop

But not being able to resist the voice

The color of feeling so lost and so scared

The color of weeks upon weeks you don’t know

The color of hello darkness my old friend

The color of springtime that’s covered in snow

The color of desolate hospital rooms

The color of having been here before

The color of nurses being your only friends

The color of reasons why you don’t have more

The color of for the first time in years

Remembering all seven days of the week

The color of wishing that you’d been alone

Instead of having passed out on the street

The color of bitter and jealous revenge

The color of never letting yourself grow

The color of hating the people you love

Telling them to leave and crying when they go

The color of fighting against who you are

Of festering memories you could’ve forgotten

The color of coming into this world worthless

The color of being born broken and rotten

The color of having wasted a lifetime

The color of having no reason to care

What happened today or the day before that one

The color of things being too much to bear

The color of knowing that you should forget

The color of urges to blot out the night

But somehow you’re able to resist forgetting

The first time in forever that things felt right

The first time you didn’t push someone away

The first time that, when you felt your heart swoon

‘Stead of running in fear of what you might find out

You’re planning to see him again sometime soon

Though forget-me-now blues still linger around

And force your hand to once more take the dive

It has become less unbearable to

Remember that you, in fact, live a life

When days come along, not so dreary and dark

When maybe you don’t need a pill or a drink

Maybe life doesn’t just have to be blue

Especially when the alternative’s pink

I was inspired to write this when @draven-the-great-is-not-okay sent a picture of a bottle of paint that read Forget-Me-Not Blue and they said they kept accidentally reading it as Forget-Me-Now Blue.

[xashtray]

i wont try to fight off my suicide thoughts anymore. i mean, everyone's gonna die anyway, what's the point of trying to fight?

[awkwardcreature789]

I wanna die or like stab my arms but I’m too lazy to do anything so I sit here and suffer with a fake ass smile on my face 😀

[camvents]

when the blade is so dull it won’t even bleed

[rickybutlersays]

hello, i haven't really been active here recently and i thought id give some information as to why;

in February this year there was a family medical emergency with my mum which made me start the beginning of the grieving process needlessly (she's okay now) and i shut down emotionally entirely for two months straight. during those two months i genuinely considered many...terrible things...and i was entirely numb. in order to acquire the ability to feel again, I decided to expose myself to media that would intentionally trigger/upset/distress me. the media i chose was the saw franchise, and because of that, i ended up slipping into a hyperfixation of that franchise. it became so much I had to make a side blog to post about it (cherishedskulls, if you're interested in saw) and so i basically. yeah.

this is not a beg for any form of emotion from anyone, but it is simply an explanation as to why i evaporated. I'm sorry if anyone was worried or anything. I'm here, still. i love star trek, still. im just trying my best to balance things rn, is all. I hope everyone is doing okay <3