#tw: homophobia mention

[schrijverr]

No, Daddy, I Want Papi’s Helmet

Divergence from chapter 18 to 19, where Chris gives the secret away when he’s staying at the 118 firehouse after Abuela broke her hip. In this universe, the PT switch didn’t happen, facilitating the reveal.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (pre-slash)

Warnings: ableism mention, homophobia mention

~~~

Eddie buckles Chris in with tense shoulders and Buck wishes he could make it better, wishes he never suggested it with Chris in hearing range, because then Eddie wouldn’t have felt obliged to say yes.

Buck could have just gone back to the station and convinced Bobby that Eddie really needed to stay with his Abuela and he’d be fine without a partner for the day. He feels like an idiot for opening his big mouth and making Eddie uncomfortable. Both of them know the chances of any of this ending well are improbably low.

So, he anxiously watches Eddie fuss with the seatbelt, before he closes the car door. Wanting to know where his head is at, before they walk into the lion’s den, Buck asks: “What are you thinking?”

“That this is going to be a shit show,” Eddie answers honestly, rubbing his face.

“It’s not determined they’re going to find out.”

“He calls you papi, Buck.”

Okay, yeah, that is a fair point. It’s pretty damning if a child you’ve supposedly only known exists for a week or two calls you papi. People are going to want an explanation and Buck isn’t going to be able to come up with a good one that doesn’t give everything away. If Chris was still a baby and couldn’t talk, this whole thing would be easier.

The thought triggers a heartbreaking idea in his brain, but he still has to say it. Has to offer Eddie this out, even if it will tear himself to shreds inside. “We can ask him not to do that. It’s only for a little over an hour by the time we get there,” he suggests, aiming for causal and probably missing by a mile.

“That’s not fair on you.” Eddie is already shaking his head before Buck is done talking. For a moment, Buck fears Eddie found him out, but then Eddie adds. “And what sort of message would we be sending if they did find out? I don’t want Hen to think we’re raising Chris to be homophobic, just because we’re straight.”

It’s adorable how determined Eddie looks. Every time Buck is reminded how hard Eddie is trying to be a better father than his own, Buck falls in love with him all over again.

“Alright,” he says. “We’ll leave this one up for the universe, then. But we should probably get the good kind of bribery coffee. We’re probably gonna need it.”

Eddie throws his head back in a laugh, before he agrees. Then they get into the car and drive off, Buck behind the wheel as always.

Buck pulls up into everyone’s favorite coffee shop that they usually don’t go to, since it’s slightly out of their way. Both of them are nervous, that much is clear, even if they try not to be. While he waits in line, he calls Bobby, explaining the situation as vaguely as he can, while still getting the results he needs.

He’s pretty sure Eddie is as nervous as he is when they get to the firehouse, but if he’s nervous, Eddie will only get more nervous and if they’re both nervous, Chris will get nervous. So, he stuffs any sort of nervousness down and plasters on a big smile as he gets out the car and waits for Eddie to help Chris out of his seat.

They’re going to give this some semblance of a try, so Buck doesn’t walk as near as he usually does, when they enter under the curious gazes of the others.

His own shoulders want to tense, but he stops them and Eddie relaxes slightly when he seems at ease, so he keeps it up. He loudly greets everyone as he usually would. Normalcy is key. “We come bearing bribery coffee.”

“I would say who cares about coffee when you’re bringing such an esteemed guest, but I really need my caffeine fix,” Hen jokes, a big gentle smile on her face.

She probably knows how nerve wracking it is to introduce people to your kid and Buck smiles at the gesture. He is about to make a joke about Chris being way more important than some coffee and more than enough of a fix to get you through the day, but stops himself. It’s not his place right now.

Eddie, however, is in sync with him as ever and picks up on it. Clumsily joking in his stead: “Hey, Chris is way better than coffee.” He looks slightly mortified at himself, but Buck and Chris both grin widely.

However, no one else seems to notice and Hen just laughs quietly: “I believe you,” before she turns to Chris and holds out her hand. “Hi, I’m Hen. I heard a lot about you, you’re a real smart kid.”

That was partly a lie, since Buck hadn’t been able to brag and Eddie is still private and not great at talking about emotions. But no one is going to call her out on that when Chris is smiling the way he is.

“Hello, I’m Christopher,” he says, shaking her hand. “You’re really cool. Daddy and papi say so.”

Hen pauses for a second at that and Buck and Eddie both hold their breath. She quickly glances over to Eddie – they worked hard for Buck to not even be considered – and sees his the apprehension, before quickly covering any reaction and smiling as she tells Eddie: “Oh, I like him.”

Their shoulders relax. Buck assumes that Hen must think Chris just accidentally outed Eddie and is helping him by pretending to not have noticed. He appreciates that about her, not just because it works in their favor.

Chimney follows her lead, sending a quick glance between her and Eddie, before swooping in. “Hey, what about me? I’m cool.” He holds out his hand. “I’m Chimney.”

“Chimney! I know you. You have a silly name,” Chris informs him seriously, getting laughs from everyone.

The tension has been broken and Chris easily accepted without any realizations. Buck thinks they might actually get through this okay, going to grin at Eddie, only to find him looking choked up at the three moving towards the stairs as Chris asks all about the ambulance.

Buck knows how nervous Eddie always is about people meeting Chris. Not because he is ashamed of him, but because people always seem to judge Eddie as if there is something wrong with him, with both of them, which is fucking terrible and makes Buck want to deck whoever makes Eddie feel like that.

Getting this easy acceptance from everyone must mean the world for him. Buck should know, he’s in the same boat. There isn’t anything to say, though, so Buck just gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze, before jogging to catch up with everyone.

Chris is determined to get up the stairs by himself and Buck easily lets him as Chris chats away about what he’s studying at school and what his daddy and papi told him about the trucks, asking a thousand more questions about the ambulances, since Hen and Chimney know them better.

Every time he mentions papi and daddy, he sees how Hen and Chimney send looks to Eddie, clearly waiting for him to acknowledge it, but he never does. Buck is pretty sure they’re dying to ask, but aren’t going to with Chris there. It makes him dread what will happen after Maddie comes to pick him up.

From how Chris is talking, it’s clear that both his dads are firefighters. When it comes to fun facts – of which Chris has many, Buck is so proud of him – Chris always starts with ‘Papi said…’ And Buck is pretty sure none of them are buying that Eddie has been supplying him with those facts.

In these moments, Buck is glad Chris was too young to realize it’s a little odd that Buck is papi, because that might be the only thing throwing everyone off their scent right now.

Then Bobby comes over and Buck’s stomach tightens. This will be another hurdle. Jovially, Bobby says: “What’s this? I don’t remember asking the chief for reinforcements. You any good with a hose, kid?”

“I can try,” Chris smiles and everyone chuckles.

“Alright,” Bobby smiles back, because Chris’s smile is infectious.

And even though Buck knows that Bobby doesn’t know that’s his kid too, it makes him fly that Bobby seems to be taken with him immediately. Buck craves Bobby’s approval so bad and having Bobby approve of his kid is the best feeling.

Eddie on the other hand, tenses and gets up as he explains: “So sorry, Cap. Maddie, uhm, Buck’s sister is getting off work early so she can take him, before my tía can, but you know LA traffic, so until then w- I- I didn’t know where to take him.”

“Yeah, you did. Right here. Buck gave me a heads up. I already cleared it with the chief,” Bobby says, nodding towards Buck, who smiles at Eddie, trying not to look too love struck when Eddie looks back with those big, beautiful brown eyes.

For a moment, it looks like Eddie is going to cry, but the attention gets pulled away from him before he does by Bobby asking: “Did you get a tour of the trucks yet, kid?”

“No,” Chris answers, hopefully excited.

“Well then, what do you say about a tour?” Bobby asks him.

“Can I?” Chris asks immediately, looking absolutely thrilled at the idea. He hasn’t caught on that no one seems to realize Buck is also his dad, and while he directs the question at both of them, he looks over at Eddie first, since he’s standing next to Bobby.

“Course, we can look at the trucks,” Eddie smiles.

Before Chris can look to him for confirmation as well, Buck grabs Chris under his armpits and swings him over the back of the couch, putting him on his feet again with a, “Let’s go, Superman!” getting a delighted shriek from Chris as expected.

It’s probably a little too familiar for a kid that he supposedly doesn’t know that well, but Buck ignores whatever looks get send his way. He loves kids. And he loves this kid in particular. It already sucks enough that he can’t be as loudly proud as he wants to be. Let him have this.

Eddie steps up next to him soon enough, asking: “Wanna walk downstairs by yourself too, mijo?”

“No. Carry me?” Chris asks and Buck is so proud of him. They’ve raised him well, asking for what he wants, what he needs, when he has to, and doing it by himself when he can and wants to.

“Yeah, here.” Eddie sweeps Chris up in his arms, putting him on his hips and handing his crutches over to Buck with practiced ease.

It’s so natural that neither of them even realize they shouldn’t be doing that here, until Chimney claps Buck on the back and grins: “Always in sync, you two, huh?”

“Haha, I guess,” Buck blushes, hurrying down the stairs after Eddie and Chris before anyone can study his face too closely.

While Chris had the most questions about the ambulances, he wants to see the engine and ladder truck the most. It’s what he’s heard all the stories about it. And he wants to do it on his own, demanding to be put down, the second they get downstairs. Buck is glad he hurried after them, so he can hand Chris his crutches before he even has to ask for them.

Chris clatters over to the engine, looking at all the stuff that he can see, excitedly pointing at the hose as he says: “It has a loop, just like you said!”

“You know why, kid?” Bobby asks, looking pleased that his way of doing things is important enough to Chris to get pointed out by him.

“Papi said it’s because if you leave a loop and stick your arm through, it makes for a faster carry and speed is important,” Chris recites.

“That’s right,” Bobby smiles.

Chris proceeds to ask more questions, already being way more knowledgeable about the vehicles than most kids his age. He’s been hearing firefighter stories for a year and a half already and when Buck’s excited about a topic, he pulls Chris with him and vise versa. They feed on each other’s curiosity and energy.

Just when they think they’re getting off scot free, Chris wanders over to where everyone’s turnouts are gasping: “Can I try on a real firefighter helmet?”

“Of course, here you go,” Eddie says, grabbing his own, even though Chris is standing in front of Buck’s helmet, and moving to put it on his head.

“No, daddy, I want papi’s helmet,” Chris protest. “You’re still a probie, he’s a real-real firefighter.”

Buck is pretty sure that if the ‘oh fuck’ didn’t hit Eddie at that moment, he would have been more offended by that, going to give Buck a playful glare, before what Chris said registers and he instead looks at everyone else with wide eyes.

There’s a beat of silence wherein everyone tries to piece together what they just heard and process what that means. Their eyes rapidly go from Chris to Eddie to Buck, then back to Eddie to Buck again, then to Chris.

Fuck, we’re so caught, Buck thinks.

However, the silence isn’t over yet and he’s not going to let Chris feel like he did something wrong. So, he acts like this isn’t a huge thing that just got revealed, instead smiling at Chris as he grabs his own helmet and carefully puts it on Chris’s head. “There you go, Superman, a real-real firefighter helmet. Way cooler than daddy’s probie helmet, right?”

Eddie catches on to what he’s doing, unfreezing himself and forcing himself to act casual. “You know there’s no difference between the helmets, right? I also have a real-real firefighter helmet.”

“I know,” Chris smiles, looking absolutely adorable in the over-sized helmet. “Papi said only the Captain has a different helmet, but it’s about the idea.”

It seems that a repeat of ‘papi said’ is enough to unpause the others, who have been watching Buck and Eddie brush this whole thing off with great confusion. It was such a smooth blasé turn of events that they almost started to think they imagined it. But no, Chris is still very much there, in Buck’s helmet, calling him papi and reciting his facts.

“Papi?” Bobby finds his voice first, though he only manages the word, butchering its pronunciation slightly.

Chris doesn’t seem to notice how the vibe has shifted very quickly and just nods proudly, helmet nearly falling off. “Daddy and papi are both firefighters, but daddy’s still on his probationary period.” He slows down on the big words, carefully sounding them out. “They’re heroes.”

Despite the situation, Buck can’t help the pleased smile and blush that appear at the declaration. It will always feel good to hear his son be so proud of him. Of both of them.

“So you- so you two…” Chim starts, then trails off, pointing between Buck and Eddie with a confused look. It’s as if he isn’t sure where to start asking.

Before anyone can figure out what to ask, the alarm starts ringing and they all stare up at the flashing lights for a second like caught animals.

Buck snaps out of it first. He knows they’re in deep shit, but they need to help people first. It’s a small fender bender, shouldn’t be anything too traumatizing to Chris, but he’s not going to make it worse by going over Bobby’s head. So, he asks: “Am I man behind, or are we taking Chris with us?”

“We can take him with us,” Bobby decides. These accidents are often nothing big, but if there are a lot of cars, they need the extra hands. And they’re already next to the trucks anyway.

Besides, while his head might still be reeling, a small part of him looks between Buck and Chris and suddenly sees all the similarities. The way Chris was religiously asking questions and spouting facts moments ago suddenly very familiar. Much like his papi, he can’t deny Chris the opportunity to see everything in action. The thought of having a grandkid intruding on his brain without his permission.

With that decision made, Buck gently pulls the helmet from Chris’s head and puts it on his own, before lifting Chris into the truck and smiling: “Save my seat, alright, buddy?”

“Sí, papi,” Chris smiles back, legs kicking excitedly at being in the truck.

The others only hear the exchange, too busy with pulling on their turnouts. Since Buck had a delayed start, the others have already climbed in when he gets there. Eddie pulls Chris onto his lap while Buck climbs in, before handing him back, so Buck can buckle him in next to him.

Everyone is watching the exchange as if it’s something alien and Buck wants to snap at them to stop it, because Chris has gotten enough of that as it is. However, he knows it’s not because of Chris that they’re looking at them like that – well, it is, but not like that – and snapping isn’t going to help them when they’re in enough trouble as it is.

They pull out of the firehouse at record speed and Chris gives a loud cheer, clearly thrilled to be a part of this. Despite the situation, Buck smiles broadly and pulls out his phone to take a picture of Chris with the huge headphones on in the back of the fire engine.

This is sadly taken as an invitation to start asking questions, of which they must have many now that everyone has had the time to gather their wits.

Hen starts it off, asking: “So, when did the whole papi thing start?” A valid question, since it would be quite the leap to have taken after learning about Eddie’s son a few weeks ago with the earthquake.

Before Buck or Eddie can start, Chris is already explaining: “Well, papi was Evan first when he worked with the chickies, but then mommy left,” Chris’s lip wobbles for a second, but he braves on, “and papi stayed forever. But he was still Evan, but then he and daddy got married and Ms. Jane said that made him my daddy too, but daddy was already daddy, so he’s papi.”

The answer does nothing to get them out of trouble, in fact, it probably only gets them deeper into trouble. However, Buck’s heart can’t help but do a happy little flip at Chris’s confidence in stating he’s staying forever.

“Married? But what about-” Chimney starts to loudly say something, before cutting himself off. He looks at Chris uncomfortably, then at Eddie, who is giving him a confused look, trying to guess what the fuck Chimney is on about.

Buck, however, can take a guess and cringes slightly. Still, the last thing he wants is for them to think they watched him cheat on Eddie for his first few months at the 118. That is never the kind of man he wants to be. Never.

So, he clarifies: “Yeah. We got married as friends. Great tax benefits and stepparent adoption. This little guy is legally half mine,” he grins, ruffling Chris’s hair.

“Uh-huh,” Chris nods excitedly. “We went to court and it was all official and we went to the courthouse too. They made daddy and papi kiss, it was really silly.”

Both Eddie and Buck blush at the reminder, though Buck supposes they’re blushing for very different reasons. He’s honestly happy if his wedding day kiss is the only kiss he’ll ever get. He treasures the memory. Eddie probably not so much. Buck tries not to think about it.

Hen looks between the two of them, clearly not believing it. She says: “You got married for the tax benefits and for adoption?” her voice asking why the fuck they would do that.

“Yup,” Buck answers, trying to act casual. Chris is still right there and they’ve already dragged up Shannon leaving today, he wants to spare him as many reminders, but he needs the others to stop asking questions. So, he slings his arm around Chris and smiles at him, Chris smiling back. “So, me and Superman here could continue to hang out while daddy was out saving people, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah!” Chris cheers, thankfully taking the comment as not something to be sad about because papi isn’t sad about it. “Daddy took care of everyone, giving band aids to all the soldiers.”

Realization dawns on everyone’s faces as they figure out Buck raised Chris while Eddie was out on his tour in the army. Eddie looks like he always does when someone reminds him of having to leave Chris behind; devastated, but locking it up. However, is face softens slightly at Chris’s unwavering support and recount of what he did.

The air gets awkward now, everyone unsure what to ask, wanting to get all the details, but not wanting to interrogate Buck and Eddie in front of their kid.

After a few moments, Bobby clears his throat and changes the subject, telling them about the accident they’re driving up to. He also tells Chris all about the headsets and the communication system, with as much flair as he usually has for school trips, maybe a little more. Seeing it makes Buck’s heart warm and he hopes they haven’t fucked it all up entirely.

They arrive at the accident and everyone gets out. Except for Eddie and Chris after a look between him and Buck to check who’s gonna stay behind with him.

As Buck walks away, he hears Bobby say: “I’ll watch Chris. I need you out there with Buck. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him.”

“Yeah, daddy, you got to have papi’s back, right?” Chris says, which must be enough to convince Eddie, because soon enough he’s at Buck’s side.

While they work, they keep their heads down and stay quiet. Both feel like scolded school boys and they don’t want to get more attention on them than necessary.

From time to time they shoot a look towards Chris, who looks to be having the time of his life listening to Bobby, who is smiling as well as he explains what’s going on. Buck hopes that’s a good sign, hopes that means Bobby isn’t too mad at them. At him. Buck hates the idea of Bobby being mad at him.

Hen and Chimney go with the ambulance to a nearby hospital with one of their patients, so it’s just the four of them in the rig back. Bobby is allowing Chris to sit up front with him, letting him pull the horn even though he’s usually against such frivolous use of equipment, much to Chris’s delight.

Both Buck and Eddie watch nervously, with Eddie sending Buck a look asking ‘what does that mean?’ and Buck sending a look back that conveys ‘I don’t know, but maybe something good?’

When they get to the firehouse, Buck gets a notification on his phone. “Maddie says she’s held up and is going to be a little later.”

“Looks like you’re going to be hanging out with us a little longer, kid,” Bobby tells Chris.

“I don’t mind,” Chris grins broadly.

“Of course, you don’t,” Eddie says fondly, ruffling Chris’s curls. “The inside of the rig can be dirty, so let’s go wash our hands, yeah?”

“Okay,” Chris says easily and follows Eddie out of the way, leaving Buck alone with Bobby.

He can’t blame him for the smooth escape. Still, he is nervous when he turns to Bobby and asks: “So…”

“You have a good kid,” Bobby starts, surprising him. “I see he gets his curiosity from you.”

Buck flushes with pride as well as embarrassment. “Oh, uh- Chris isn’t mine. Well, not biologically, I- I don’t think-”

“Buck,” Bobby cuts him off. “You still have an impact on him. You’ve been raising him for quite a while already from what I understand. He gets things from you.”

“Thank you, then,” Buck says with a bashful smile, before he carefully checks: “So, you’re not mad?”

“Oh, no, I’m pissed off you’d keep something like this from all of us when Eddie started working here, but I do hope you didn’t keep this from us before that, because we made you uncomfortable.”

“No, no, that was me getting in my own head,” Buck assures him. “I knew you guys wouldn’t judge, I just didn’t know how to explain. And I am sorry, you know. For lying about it. We just wanted to work together and we thought you’d retract the offer if you knew.”

“I probably would have,” Bobby agrees. “But you two can clearly keep it professional in the field and your teamwork is truly something. If it’s not romantic, I can make a case for you two to the brass.”

Buck blushes again, twisting feeling in his gut. “Oh, no, it’s definitely nothing romantic. Just two married guys, being friends.” He wants to smack himself in the face for his reply. He’s not even lying, but he is being weird about it and Bobby is going to see right through him.

“Uh-huh,” Bobby raises a brow. Then too conversationally, he asks: “So was Eddie the girl, who was in that trap with her parents?”

At that, Buck freezes, he had all but forgotten about that. And he didn’t think Bobby would have remembered either. However, he’s totally right and now both of them know it and Buck basically confessed to wanting more with Eddie. Shit.

“You love him, don’t you?” Bobby asks. Before he can answer, he adds: “Now, don’t lie to me. I see it in the way you look at him, even before I knew all this.”

Buck panics slightly and he says: “You can’t tell him.”

“I won’t,” Bobby promises, putting a hand on his shoulder. “But remember what I said back then, I said you’re ready to have those things and, by how you’re raising Chris, you were more than ready. You stepped inside with Eddie a long time ago. You’re ready for a next step too.”

“Thank you, Bobby, but it’s not like that for Eddie. He’s my best friend, but nothing else. He’s straight, it’s not going to happen,” Buck answers.

“I wouldn’t count it out.” Bobby says cryptically, before clapping him on the back and walking off. On his way to the loft, he runs into Eddie and Chris and he asks: “You up for a grilled cheese, kid?”

“Yes, please,” Chris cheers.

“Then let’s go,” Bobby smiles the two of them going up the stairs.

Meanwhile Eddie makes his way over to Buck so he can get out of his turnouts, Buck also still dressed in his own. He must look kind of stupid, the way he stands there, because Eddie pauses and asks: “Are you okay? Did Bobby say anything?” He looks more and more nervous. “Are we fired?”

That snaps Buck out of it and he quickly says: “No, no, not fired. Bobby’s gonna make a case for us with the brass, since it’s not romantic. He is pissed though. That we lied.”

“Okay, that’s good,” Eddie nods, oblivious to Buck’s crisis as he steps out of his turnouts.

Not wanting to seem weird, Buck quickly follows his lead, until they’re walking up the stairs, shoulders knocking into each other. It’s comforting. Familiar. Buck doesn’t want to lose that. He studies Eddie, trying to see what Bobby saw, but he can’t find it. It’s just Eddie, as he’s always been.

Naturally, Eddie notices him looking, giving him two wide, confused, beautiful brown doe eyes as he asks: “Do I have something on my face or something?”

“Nah,” Buck says casually after a few moments, “just trying to imagine what you’d look like as a real-real firefighter.”

Immediately Eddie’s expression falls into something more deadpan and annoyed. “You put that idea in his head, you know, with your probie bullshit.”

“I don’t know, Eddie, seems to me like you just still have a ways to go,” Buck grins with as much little shit energy as he can.

“You’re the worst,” Eddie grins back, pushing him slightly, though immediately catching him, before he can do as much as stumble.

At this point, they’ve reached the top of the stairs and find Bobby presenting Chris with a plate of grilled cheeses with a flourish. “Here you go. What do you think?” he asks, awaiting Chris’s judgment.

Chris takes one bite, before he beams up. “It’s very tasty.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Bobby ruffles his curls. Buck imagines that this is what it would be like to have Bobby as a grandparent and the thought makes something twist inside him. By that time, Bobby has spotted Buck and Eddie and calls over: “You two also want a grilled cheese for lunch?”

“Yes, please,” Buck replies, shaking it off and skipping forwards.

Soon after, there’s a plate of grilled cheeses on the table and the four of them are sitting around it. The adults are listening to Chris about his latest school project, any interrogation of the family unit he’s a part of shelved for now.

At some point, Hen and Chimney return, joining the table. Chimney is still looking between Buck and Chris as if it’s the weirdest thing he’s ever encountered – Buck tries not to be too offended – while Hen seems more comfortable about the whole thing, though she sends glances in Eddie’s and Buck’s direction from time to time.

The grilled cheeses are being eaten when Maddie comes up the stairs, greeting everyone. Buck smiles and waves at her, before turning to Chris, steadying him as he gets out of his chair. He hands him his crutches and goes on one knee in front of him, smoothing out his clothes and pressing a kiss on his forehead as he says: “Be good for your tía Maddie now, okay, Superman?”

“I will, papi,” Chris promises.

Maddie, who’s been getting closer pauses for a moment, before her eyes snap to Eddie. Eddie pauses under her gaze. She hisses: “Evan is papi? He’s the husband?”

Well, if Chris hadn’t given it away, Maddie would have it seems. And because Eddie is an asshole, who has the ability to lie to Maddie, he puts on a faux-innocent look and says: “Yes, he is. Didn’t you know that? I thought you must have realized.”

“No, I did not,” Maddie says lowly, turning to Buck. Buck swallows, but straightens his spine defiantly anyway. Maddie asks him: “Why didn’t I know that?”

“I thought you were being homophobic,” Buck answers honestly.

“What?” Maddie sounds almost offended.

“What was I supposed to think? I got there after Eddie picked up Chris and mentioned me and you didn’t say a word. Nothing.”

“Of course that’s not what I was doing. Eddie asked me not to tell anyone. I wasn’t going to out him!”

“Oh, that makes a lot more sense, actually.”

“Thank you,” Maddie says forcefully. Then she does turn back to Eddie and goes: “What are your intentions with my baby brother?”

Eddie has just started to relax, but freezes all over. Before it can get nasty, Buck jumps in quickly. “It is not like that, Mads. Me and Eddie are friends. Married as friends. And I’ll explain everything later, I promise. But we’re on the clock. Please, just take your nephew home.”

Maddie puffs herself up, gearing up to protest before the last part of that sentence hits and she looks at Chris with big awe-like eyes. As if she has never seen him before. In a way, she hadn’t. She’s hung out with him a few times, but not as her nephew. That’s her nephew. Buck has a kid. Her baby brother is a dad and has a kid and she missed that, but now she gets to know him.

The fight leaves her and she puts on a smile. “I’d love nothing more. What do you say, we get some ice cream. It’s an aunt’s job to spoil their nephews, you know.”

“Ice cream!” Chris cheers, making his way over to her.

“Don’t fall for his pout, he’s only allowed two scoops,” Eddie calls out bravely. “Thank you so much for taking him,” he adds quickly.

“We’re getting three,” Maddie informs Chris cheerfully.

“Be wary of the sugar rush,” Buck warns her.

“We’ll be fine, now stop worrying,” Maddie calls back, having reached the top of the stairs.

They all watch the duo go down the stairs, waving and calling out goodbyes. As they go, Eddie turns to Buck and says: “She never babysat on her own before, has she?”

“Yeah, not since she was a kid with energy herself. She has no clue what she just got into with that promise,” Buck agrees.

“Oef, good luck.”

“Ah, her mistake,” Buck shrugs. “Maybe she’ll be so tired when we come to pick up Chris that she won’t have the energy to be mad.”

“God, I hope so.”

“Well, you two shouldn’t be worrying about her right now,” Hen suddenly speaks up behind them. “We want answers. Now.”

With matching apprehensive looks, they turn around to face everyone. Buck feebly says: “I think we’ve gotten most of the basic information out there.”

“Not good enough,” Hen says. “Come, sit, and spill.”

“I’m not a dog,” Buck pouts as he goes to do what he’s told.

“You could’ve fooled me,” Chimney grins patting his back.

“Oh fuck off.”

Eddie comes to sit next to him, crossing his arms defensively. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything,” Chimney snorts. “Come on, you can’t just drop being married with a kid – even as friends – for god knows how long on us, not to mention lying about even knowing each other, and expect us to just shrug it off.”

“Well, there isn’t much more to add,” Eddie says defensively. “We got married as friends, so Buck could adopt Chris and take care of him while I was in Afghanistan after Shannon left. He already helped before that. It was the most logical thing to do at the time.”

“There wasn’t anyone else?” Hen asks, now mostly directed at Buck. The underlying, ‘you had to take care of Chris by yourself?’ heard by everyone.

“Uh,” Buck sends a look at Eddie, but Eddie isn’t looking his way. “Eddie’s parents helped too, you know, but you don’t want to drop your kid on your parents,” he settles on in the end. It’s as neutral as he can make it.

Hen seems to accept this answer, which is enough for Chimney to jump in on it. “How did you even get involved anyway, Buck? Chris said you were taking care of the chickens? How do you get from chickens to father?”

Buck blushes slightly and explains: “I worked as a farm hand on a chicken farm. Chris’s mom used to buy eggs there, took Chris with her from time to time. I babysat in a pinch, then did it more regularly, also after Eddie came back. She left Chris with me, before getting on a plane to never look back. Eddie still had work that night, so I offered to watch Chris and, uh-” he rubs the back of his head “-I kind of never left.”

It’s quiet for a moment as everyone processes, then Eddie cuffs him on the back of the head. “That’s not how it went and you know it.”

“What?” Buck asks confused, because last he checked, that’s exactly how it went.

“You didn’t watch him for one night and never left, you chose to stay and help a stranger who was struggling, even though you didn’t have to. Because, Evan, that’s who you are,” Eddie says forcefully, making sure Buck hears it.

“Oh.” Buck doesn’t really know how to respond to that, tears prickling despite himself. “I guess, I never thought about it like that.”

“Of course you hadn’t,” Eddie sighs, but it’s a fond one.

Everyone is looking between the two, various expressions on their faces, but all scrutinizing. It makes Buck blush. Especially when Hen feels the need to check: “And it’s strictly a platonic thing?”

“Yes,” Eddie replies forcefully, which doesn’t make Buck sad at all, no, sir. “We’re gonna get divorced at some point, have a prenup and everything. The plan was when I got back from Afghanistan, but then I got hurt.”

“So why haven’t you yet?” Chimney asks curiously. “I mean, since you’re obviously better now.”

Eddie looks a bit like a deer in headlights and Buck clenches all his muscles and tries to disappear into the background. If he starts trying to answer that, a whole bunch of things he’d prefer to stay hidden will come spilling out.

“Why would we?” Eddie counters after a few beats to think, a blush coloring his cheeks anyway.

“Huh?” Chimney replies dumbly.

“I mean, think about it. We’ll divorce just for the sake of divorcing, then we’d have to come up with a parental plan for Chris, uproot him again, because one person alone can’t afford that mortgage, plus we’d loose are tax benefits, which means we can’t save up for college for Chris,” Eddie lists. “Unless one of us wants to marry someone else, why go through the hassle? It’s not like either of us are planning to leave anytime soon.”

Despite how utterly practical it is, Buck can’t help but smile widely, stomach unclenching as butterflies flutter in it instead. Eddie truly isn’t planning on leaving. Eddie still wants him around, still needs him around. He nods: “Yeah, what he said.”

Hen looks between the two then nods to herself as she mutters: “Ah, so that’s how you’ve justified it to yourself?”

“What was that, Henrietta?” Eddie snaps, without even fearing for his life.

“Don’t call me Henrietta,” Hen scowls back, dropping what she just said. Buck is grateful for it, he doesn’t need anyone pushing at Eddie and making him feel weird about staying.

Bobby thankfully steps in for them. “Alright, alright. It’s quite the story, but we’re not here to interrogate either of you.” To the others he sharply says, “I mean that. I’ll bring up the situation with the brass and we’ll see from there what will happen.”

“But, Cap,” Chimney starts to whine, but he’s cut off by the alarm that starts blaring. They all look up for a second, then Chimney quickly stuffs a grilled cheese in his mouth. Still chewing, he says: “This isn’t over.”

“Of course it isn’t,” Eddie mutters as he and Buck get up in sync.

Together they hurry down the pole and to their gear. They’ll have a lot more questions to answer later, not to mention appearing in front of the brass. However, all in all, bringing Chris to the firehouse could have gone much worse.

~~

A/N:

I know I cut the whole explaining themselves thing short, but it’s mostly a repeat after a while and I did put a chunk in there.

[cloned-sheep97]

Do you think when homophobes are litsening to lgbtq+ artists they go: "...well yeah they're gay but...I eventually learned to separate the music from the artist"

[musical-chick-13]

Having principles that you believe apply to every single person without question means that you sure do risk others thinking you're defending reprehensible people, huh.

[scoutpauling]

Out: Homophobic/Transphobic Scout characterization In: Scout wearing this

[thebisexualwreckoning]

ive decided anytime homophobes try to argue with me on the existence of the gays and how we just popped up out of nowhere somewhere between the 70-2000s im just gonna bring out my annotated copy of the picture of dorian gray, open up chapter 9 and ask them to straightwash that

[rilli-luci]

What does Pro/Shipper Mean?

I’m only typing this cause I had to explain to a friend why the label of pro/shipper is so controversial and I like to act on the benefit of the doubt that some people may not be informed so under the cut I’m gonna explain this and why there’s so 

I’m not really gonna debate the morality of it but I am going to just explain the general gist of the term and WHY a lot of people don’t like the word and I hope it helps some people when it comes to fandom labels.

Reblog if you want but please do not come to my inbox or IMs to debate this topic. This is an information post ONLY. Not a discussion one.

Warning before you read, this post will cover Problematic Ships with triggering topics. They are mentioned for the sake of information. But I don’t want to unintentionally trigger anyone.

Going to start with the fact that this word has changed meaning over time. When I first got into tumblr rp and heard this term, it meant a completely different thing than it does now. And I think this is important cause when words change meaning and people just may not know, it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings that could be avoided if people just y’know...communicated. But that’s besides the point.

Pro/shipper at some point USED to mean one who supports a specific ship or shipping in general.

I’m currently very much so still in my Owl House hyperfixation so I will be using ships from this fandom to better explain the point. So if you are a big fan of Goldric (Hunter x Edric) then you were considered a pro/shipper for that ship. The opposite of this would be an Anti-Shipper as you did not like this ship. There was nothing generally wrong with being pro or anti as long as the ship was not problematic. Most of the discourse came from Antis sorta flooding the tags of the ships either due to their pettiness or tumblr’s shitty tagging system.

HOWEVER that is not the case now. Roughly around the 2010s (I like to think it happened somewhere around 2012-2015) the word changed its meaning.

That’s because people who supported what are called Problematic Ships.

These are your ships (with examples) that ignore canon sexualities of one or both parties of a ship (such as Hunter x Amity), are in/cest (Such as Lilith x Eda),have inappropriate age differences (such as any ship regarding a minor and an adult), those that display abusive dynamics ( such as Lilith x Belos ), etc. Ships that generally will make the average fan feel uncomfortable.

Some people who highly enjoyed problematic ships started using the term Pro/Shipper as a way to either defend their ships or justify their reasons as to why they were okay.

At this point the meaning has changed.

Pro/shipper NOW means one who supports a ship or shipping deemed problematic and/or believes in the freedom to create and consume fanworks with such elements.

Now content with toxic or abusive dynamics is more of a gray area, they’ve sorta always existed even before fandom culture became what it is today and it of course isn’t just purely tied to ships (For example, Hunter and Belos have this dynamic but are HOPEFULLY not a ship). Its all dependent on if the person making the content genuinely ships it or is making content for some other purpose that’s far less problematic and its complicated and definitely a case by case basis. But for the previous problematic examples, well there’s really no reason to ship in/cest now is there? Its just pretty gross. 

So when a person says “I’m a pro/shipper” today while there is a good chance they’re very much so meaning the first definition, it may be automatically assumed by others that they mean they are the latter. And for those other people, they may not have the energy or time to invest in meeting this person and learning what they think a pro/shipper is and if they still stand by that label if they know the connotations it presents. Its generally safer to them to just call it a lost and not interact.

So if you read this and  you still think this label is for you, then this is the sort of risk you are taking by taking on this label. Does it suck? Maybe, depending on who you are. But like I said, this post is meant to inform people and I’ve done just that.

Words have power now and days, more than people know. Especially when it comes to labels.  And when words change meaning like this one did, then I feel its important that everyone gets on the same page.

[temporal-therapy-tsundere]

CULT UPDATE: THIS GOES FOR ALL MY WORSHIPPERS BUT DONT BE BIGOTED IN MY NAME IS TERRIBLE AND DUMB.

THE CULT LEADER, WHO I DISCOVERED IS NAMED "MAK" JUST WENT ON THE CRINGIEST TIRADE EVERM

[ronmanmob]

8, 12, 17!

Vanilla Sunday Meme

Is your muse comfortable with, or proud of their body? Are they insecure?

There are parts of his body that Ron doesn't mind. He knows he has strong, broad shoulders and that, from behind, they give him the look of a fine shoulder-to-waist ratio - especially if he's showing off his biceps; having a bit of a flex. Like this, look:

He knows, speaking of arms, that his are well defined as well, and that there's a lot of strength in his thighs and his rear end from all the lifting and the weight training he does to keep himself in fighting shape. But that's about it in terms of positive regard, and even that...It's a utilitarian thing. This bit's strong. This bit's useful. He doesn't look at himself (outside of a four figure suit) and see sexy; he sees a work horse or a guard dog - made for a purpose, not to look gorgeous nude.

Of all the bits of him Ron dislikes, it's his stomach that's reserved for special loathing. He's at his softest in that place. It's where his medication tossed weight on him he's still trying to lose and while he's making a constant go at it he finds himself unsatisfied, always. That could be the Committee 'tween his ears talking though, always ready with their twopence-worth in terms of degradation to humble him. Ron's that put off by them and how easily they're irked when he glances at his Not Pleased With areas that he tends to just not do that if he can help it.

Is your muse easily flustered? Do they blush, swear, etc.?

As mentioned here, Ron was once a bit of a fleer when it came to folk - especially men - he found attractive. Better that than risk losing some more teeth to some homophobe in an alleyway. Once he's grown into himself though - into all that muscle we talked about up there ^^ - he loses most of that learned aversion and settles somewhere between being an easy if very casual, very not threatening kind of flirt and the quietly appreciative of the furniture but I ain't gonna sit on it sort. The last thing he wants to do is have someone with a violent disinclination towards the openly LGBT to act as their nature demands and cop his foulest nature for it. The man who kicked his teeth out in that Soho back alley lost a lot more than his smile in recompense, and that was long before Ronnie didn't need his brothers - both of them - to overcome danger. Only God knew what he'd do now if pushed by someone similarly inclined as that long-ago villain. It'd have something to do with his Harpy blade though.

Does your muse leave hickies? Do they ask for them?

Ron's more a biter than a hicky-leaver. Be it in the height of love-making or in a quiet moment alone, the gentle (or firm, circumstances depending) brush of teeth on skin will invariably be followed by the caress of full lips upon the bitten area. It's an amorous, cheeky thing, but definitely not something done without his person's prior consent. As to Ron himself, he isn't one for getting hickies but doesn't mind if his amorous nibbles are repaid in kind.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Yeah - if curious what happen Jiro; your father found out that Akemi was with Rumi and disappear during the event, he didn't take it well and punched Akemi which now she's upset and she was thinking of running away... today has not been a good day for her.

What'd he say...?

...

________________________________________________

Where were you today, Akemi?

I was in the crowd? You could handle things without me, surely.

That right? Well, how much did we make on that last piece?

More than enough.

Akemi, I know what you were really doing today. You went to hang out with that Shinabe girl, didn't you?

What?

Neither of you were there. Don't think I'm an idiot, sweetie.

I didn't say you were. All I said was-

*Akemi is knocked to the floor by a large, sharp pain across her face*

...

You wanna mouth off to me again? Huh?

F-Father...

Is that why, huh? Why you wanted to manage those idols? Were you hoping for the chance to get close to one of 'em?

As if Jiro wasn't enough of a f*g, one of my daughters is like this too...

Don't...call him that!

Aww, what? You gonna fight me now? Might as well, you're halfway to becoming a man at this point.

It's disgusting. Is that why you took off your corset too? Can't hold in that beer gut?

...

Lemme make this clear for you: leaving without permission gets you into trouble. I would've thought you'd known by know, but apparently not! Stupid brat.

You'd better come to the event tomorrow, otherwise we'll have a lot more to talk about.

________________________________________________

...And then he went on a very detailed rant that I would...rather not repeat here. About my appearance and "lifestyle," and I...

The best day I'd had in a long time...and now I just want to find a place to hide...

Akemi...

(...This is my fault. This is all my fault. I never should've let her leave. Rumi, you stupid piece of trash...)

Akemi-chan, I'm so sorry.

Don't apologize. You had nothing to do with it.

I just...dread thinking what they'll do when I show up. Will they find a way to publicly humiliate me? Or worse?

[spider-self]

@tczier liked this for a starter

In the early years when Derry was little more than an idea of a few weary settlers. IT had mapped out the area IT wished to inhabit, weaving threads of silk across the land until IT’s territory was firmly established. Every few cycles IT refreshed the lines, spinning and working until there wasn’t a single place in Derry IT didn’t have some form of access to. In the quiet of IT’s inner sanctum, IT laid IT’s many legs on each strand and listened to the town, picking IT’s prey from the whispers IT heard. Poor Eddie Corcoran, poor Betty Ripsom, poor poor Veronica Grogan. When the brats forced IT into early slumber, it was the twitching of the threads that woke IT up. Each of them thrumming with a note of violence and pain too tantalising to ignore.

Poor Adrian Mellon, beaten to a pulp and thrown over the side of the bridge for the audacious act of having a boyfriend in public. Such a crime could not exist in a town such as Derry, small minded and stupid, it was almost a matter of civic pride how much the other was abhorred. It was an attitude IT cultivated as IT did the steady outbursts of viciousness and cruelty that popped up within the boundaries. If they hurt and killed each other, half of IT’s work was already done. All IT had to do was sup on the meat, and Adrian Mellon had been a hearty meal. So rich and full of terror, pain and regret salted him well and with each bite, IT learnt more and more. How he’d never thought this would happen here. Not in the town he loved so much, not in this place where everything was going so well. What about Don? Was he okay? Was he still alive? What about the book he was writing? Who would finish it now?

The scent of those fears came to IT now as IT slowly trailed Richie through the town. Fear, shame, a kind of uneasy excitement. Interesting… In the time between IT’s summons and their arrival, IT had made an effort to learn what the losers’ club had been up to for all those years. Each was successful in their own right, rich and famous. None more so than Richie who seemed to have made a career out of what IT found so dreadfully irritating. His voice. For someone who had lived in such a big city and traveled all over, IT would have assumed he would have gotten over such a fear. The rest of the world was not Derry. Surely there would be somewhere he would feel comfortable to simply be?

Evidently not, being back here had only reignited those fears. IT had toyed with him briefly, claiming to know the secret that was only all too obvious to anything with a nose. Human scents were so primitively obvious it was a wonder they could hide anything from each other. Considering Richie’s disposition, IT wasn’t surprised when he slipped into a bar. Perhaps he thought such a place would repel IT. A good guess if not a foolish one. After all, what childhood monsters could stand up to the assured adulthood of a stiff drink?

But IT was a nightmare unlimited in IT’s scope. Children were easier but adults were just as tasty. For the longest time all IT had wanted was a good meal and IT’s long rest. The losers had introduced IT to a new concept entirely, a want for revenge. Perhaps IT would thank them after they were dead. It was a learning experience worth having.

IT followed him.

The bar was full, raucous laughter filled the air along with the stink of stale sweat and low level aggression. IT found within Itself a certain admiration for Richie in choosing such a place to bolt to. Among its many vices, Derry was a drinking town. Depressed by nature and deprived in others, there was little else for many to do but piss away their pay check and seethe at their misfortune. If only they could leave, if only things would change. They never would of course and it was that anger that fuelled the many acts that kept IT’s belly full. IT loved them as only IT could, like pigs IT had carefully and tenderly raised for slaughter. As IT picked IT’s way through the crowd, those who had enough sense to know IT in some small way shivered as IT passed, a hush settling in little pockets between the noise.

As for Richie, he seemed several drinks in. An almost empty glass set in front of him, his posture low so he was almost hunched over the bar. It was nothing for IT to force the bartender away with a simple command, the flexible mind snapping under the force of it. Now IT was directly in front of him and IT took the time to shift IT’s features, mimicking the human it had sent away.

“Don’t you think you should slow down a little, buddy?”

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 16

Chapter 16 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Maddie gets convinced to stay by Buck. The two of them reconcile and share pieces of themselves the other has missed out on. Though they still keep things to themselves too.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie (slow burn)

Warnings: referenced domestic violence, emotionally abusive parents mention, misogyny mention, homophobia mention

~~~

Chapter 16: Abuela’s Roommate

When Buck comes home after speaking to Maddie at Abuela’s house, he feels emotionally drained and exhausted. He missed Chris’s bed time and he mourns that fact now, though he’s also glad he just gets to drop on the couch next to Eddie with a groan.

Eddie frowns in concern. He knows Buck is happy to have Maddie back again, could see it waft off him the whole shift. Had Chris slipping up really put such a dent in his mood? Was he embarrassed about admitting everything to his sister? Did she say something about it to Buck that she didn’t to him? What happened?

He quickly stuffs all those feelings down, poking Buck in the side as he gruffly asks: “What’s up with you?”

“I think Maddie is homophobic about our non-gay gay marriage,” Buck says, voice muffled by the pillow.

“What?”

Buck un-buries his face slightly and repeats: “I think Maddie is homophobic about our non-gay gay marriage.”

“Are you sure? She seemed pretty okay with it when I spoke to her. She was nice,” Eddie frowns.

“She didn’t talk about any of it. She didn’t even mention Chris. Like at all! It’s as if she was not saying anything on purpose,” Buck says. “And of course she’s nice. Your family is hosting her.”

Eddie’s frown deepens. “She really didn’t mention Chris? That’s weird. She told me we have an adorable son and that he loves his two dads. When I told her no one knew, she seemed understanding and nice.”

“Wait,” Buck comes out of his hiding place on the couch. “What did you say. Like exactly? Word for word?”

“Uh, she thanked me, then said that Abuela was nice and that we have an adorable son, though I suppose the you can be just me. That he loves his two dads,” Eddie repeats. “I panicked a bit, so she said my name and then I told her she can’t tell anyone to which she said that she wouldn’t.”

“Okay, but my name was never mentioned? And you didn’t say what she can’t tell anyone?” he asks for clarification, a small hope bubbling up in his chest. He always wants to believe the best of people, especially Maddie.

“You think she didn’t realize the other dad is you?” Eddie says, picking up what he’s putting down.

“Maybe,” Buck shrugs.

“That’s good then, right? You didn’t want to tell her yet anyway.”

“Yeah, but what if I’m wrong?”

“Do you think you’re wrong?”

“I mean, no, but I don’t know,” Buck sighs, rubbing his face. “I haven’t seen her in years, Eddie. I love her, but I don’t know her anymore. And she doesn’t know me…”

They’re quiet for a moment and Eddie has a thoughtful expression on his face. Buck gives him time to think it all over. In the end, Eddie just asks: “So what do you want to do?”

“Huh?”

“She’s your sister. What do you want to do?”

Now it’s Buck turn to think about it. When it came down to Helena and Ramon, he always let Eddie make the final call. Same when they moved here and it came to Abuela and tía Pepa, he’d been prepared to never be introduced to them should Eddie want. With Maddie it’s his family and his call. That still feels weird. Having family here.

But it’s a good weird, the kind of weird he wants to get used to until it’s normal. Maddie says she’s just passing through, but Buck wants her to stay. He’d do anything to get her to stay.

And despite saying he doesn’t know her, he does. He knows she is one of the kindest people he has ever known, that she has always been in his corner, even when it would have been better for her not to be. She’s as protective as they come. If she thought he was married, she’d corner him and question him until she was satisfied.

It’s most likely scenario. The reality he wants to believe in. However, he selfishly also doesn’t want to risk finding out he’s wrong. Not yet.

“I say we let it be,” he finally decides. The coward’s way out. “If she doesn’t know already, she’ll find out eventually and if she already knows, she knows not to talk now. Let’s not confirm or deny until we know what she’s going to do.”

He holds his breath waiting what Eddie thinks of his decision. If he’ll judge Buck for not wanting to make sure, for giving her space, even if he might be wrong. But Eddie just says: “Okay,” easily. “Are we going to tell Chris not to talk?”

“Nah, he already has and I don’t want to teach him to be ashamed of us. Even if we aren’t actually gay, we’re still two men raising him,” Buck says.

“Agreed,” Eddie nods.

Then Buck realizes something and he says: “If it is the misunderstanding we think it is, you realize that Maddie thinks that you’re gay, right?”

“It’s not the first time someone’s assumed that,” Eddie replies, rolling his eyes. It’s something he’s gotten used to. The army knowing he is married to a man hardened him a little to the assumptions and after the so manieth comment, he stopped bothering to correct people. They’ll think what they want, Eddie knows better. He’s not gay, so it’s not true what they think anyway.

Buck studies him for a moment, just to be sure. He himself is actually gay – well, bi – but Eddie isn’t and he’s from a macho culture. Ramon at least seems to think even being non-gayly married to a man is affront to not only Eddie’s, but Ramon’s masculinity as well.

However, Eddie truly doesn’t seem to care. It makes Buck feel a little warm and fuzzy inside, knowing that Eddie will have his back.

With that confirmed and cleared up, he goes back to the logistics. When Eddie took the job at the 118 neither of them could have predicted the kind of web they would be caught up in, but it’s a little too late to back out now.

Out loud Buck muses: “It might be easier if I don’t drive Chris to and from Abuela while Maddie is staying there.” It’ll put that chore on Eddie, so he checks: “Is that okay?”

“Course,” Eddie smiles.

Buck doesn’t know what he did to deserve Eddie. Eddie, who trusts him with his son, who lets him fit into his life however he can at the time. Eddie, who doesn’t care if Buck is being weird about telling his sister about their not-gay gay marriage. Who wants Chris to not be homophobic, even if he really has no stakes in it. Who doesn’t care if people assume things about him even if it would be easier for him if they didn’t.

He’d say he could kiss Eddie, but that’s not an uncommon feeling. However, it’s more on the foreground than it usually is, watching Eddie comfortably sprawled over on the couch, talking with him about raising Chris and the shape of their family.

God, some days Buck wants this to be permanent, wants to be real so bad. He knows he’s greedy, but he can’t help but want more. Want to be able to lean in and kiss Eddie. It doesn’t even have to be a full blown make out session that can lead to more, he wants the domesticity of a simple kiss as thanks just as badly. Sometimes more badly, even. He wants to share his life with Eddie in every way, wants to wear a ring on his finger and have it mean something other than convenience. Wants it to mean being wanted, never being left.

But dwelling on those things is never good. The more he lets himself dwell, the deeper he’ll fall and the harder it’ll be to ignore. He needs to prevent falling in too deep, so he can keep holding on.

“Wanna watch the next episode of that telenovella we started?” he asks to deflect.

Which might not be the smartest move, since Eddie loves them and Buck only gets invested, because Eddie is and now Eddie is sending him a beaming grin, before excitedly grabbing the remote. It’s adorable as fuck and Buck wants to scream into a pillow.

Fortunately, Buck is well versed in acting normal around Eddie when he secretly wants to squish his cheeks, maybe gnaw on his arm a little to get it all out. So, Eddie doesn’t notice.

Once the TV is on, the excitement of today catches up with Buck and he watches the show through half lidded eyes. Mostly following due to Eddie’s reactions and rants. It’s nice. Soothing. He falls asleep right there without his permission.

Some undesignated time later, Eddie is waking him up. Softly shaking his arm as he whispers: “Buck. Buck, you gotta wake up. If you sleep here, you’ll have a crick in the neck.”

“Hngn, couch is comfy,” he murmurs, burrowing his head into the back of the couch again to hide away from the shaking.

Eddie lets out an amused huff, before shaking him again: “Come on, you ass. Don’t make me drag you to the bathroom and force a toothbrush in your mouth.”

“But if I brush my teeth, I’ll have to be awake again,” Buck protests with a pout.

“And if you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities and I will take the money to fix that out of your little treat budget,” Eddie threatens, using the knowledge Buck shared against him.

“Ugh, you’re so mean,” Buck complains as he drags himself off the couch, glaring at a smug looking Eddie as he follows him to the bathroom so they can brush their teeth side by side.

In the end, he’s a little glad to have been woken up for this. Somehow brushing his teeth next to Eddie is one of his favorite things. It’s silly, he knows, but there is something so intimate and domestic about it and it sends a pleasant flutter through his stomach every time.

With their teeth brushed, they bid each other goodnight, before parting ways to climb into their respective beds. As predicted, Buck is awake again now and he spends the whole night tossing and turning, reconsidering his choice, then arguing himself into it again.

So he’s a little groggy when a small weight launches itself onto the bed, despite usually being a morning person. He groans: “Morning, Chris.”

“Good morning, papi,” Chris grins way too brightly for the early hour. Ugh, childhood chipperness, if he is anything like Eddie, he’ll grow out of it come teenagehood. But for now, Chris is here, pulling at his arm, while Buck tries to burrow deeper into his pillow. “Can you make pancakes?”

“Go ask daddy, he’s on breakfast duty,” Buck tells him, already sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, knowing what will come next.

“But daddy can’t make pancakes,” Chris whines as expected.

“And it’s a school day. You know we said no pancakes on school days,” Buck reminds him.

“It’s a stupid rule and you break it all the time,” Chris protests. And he’s right too. Buck is a weak man and he knows he works on weekends from time to time, so he makes them on school days too, because then he has time. So, it is technically a rule, but not an enforced one.

“Alright, alright, I’ll make pancakes,” he caves, because of course he does. “Go wake daddy.” Even if Eddie is gonna go back to sleep after breakfast, he’d want to kiss Chris good day.

“Okay,” Chris says brightly, before climbing out of Buck’s bed to go barge into Eddie’s room.

Buck watches him go with a smile, before getting out of bed and pulling on the clothes he finds first on the chair of limbo. Since he is in uniform for work often, he doesn’t wear his clothes long enough for them to get laundry dirty, so they live on the chair until he has a day off again. He always gets clothes that go with all his other clothes, so he can just pull on whatever.

When he’s dressed, he goes to the kitchen. Chris is already there, he had heard banging on Eddie’s door, but it seems Chris didn’t go in, too excited about pancakes to properly wake Eddie when he can go in the kitchen to talk Buck into making chocolate chip pancakes.

He is about to pour the first of the batter in the pan when Eddie comes stumbling in, still in his pajamas and his hair a mess. Chris gives him a big smile as he informs him: “Papi’s making pancakes.”

“Yes,” Eddie cheers, lighting up and waking up more at the news. The love for pancakes is something the two Diaz’s share and it’s adorable.

Still, Buck sends him a deadpan look, making Eddie rub the back of head sheepishly. Then Buck grins and shakes his head fondly. “Good morning. There’s coffee in the pot.”

“You’re the best,” Eddie tells him, pouring the coffee and gratefully cradling the warm mug. Noting that Buck is dressed, he asks: “You driving Chris to school?”

“Yeah, gonna swing by Abuela after, see how Maddie is,” Buck answers.

Eddie gives him an understanding nod, but they don’t continue on about the topic, instead turning to Chris and asking what is he going to do at school today.

Breakfast is a pleasant affair and after Eddie gives Chris a kiss on the head, wishing him a good day, before returning to bed, like Buck had predicted. Buck himself does as he said, driving Chris to school, before going to Abuela’s house.

Abuela opens with a smile and hugs him. After they’ve said their hellos, she tells him he has a lovely sister, which is both nice to hear because he wants Maddie to be liked and Abuela probably wouldn’t like her if she’d said anything homophobic.

He doesn’t know that both have been avoiding the husband topic out of politeness. Abuela still isn’t sure if she can say and Maddie thinks that while Abuela knows, her generation means that she prefers not to mention it. So they exist in a limbo outside of it, having bonded over different topics instead.

Maddie is out in the back garden and Abuela gives the two some privacy to catch up. So, he joins her with some tea, handing a cup to her too as he says: “Looks like you two are getting along. She might just adopt you and not let you leave.”

“I’m probably not going to stick around long enough for that to happen,” Maddie replies, smiling to look disarming, as if she is joking, but there is a tightness to that smile and a tension to her posture that sets Buck’s teeth on edge.

She is trying to hide, trying to run. Before Buck let her and he regrets it so much. He can’t let her do it again. He won’t. So he says: “Why not? Maddie, what really happened with Doug? Why are you running away from him?”

“No,” she’s shaking her head, almost moving as if to leave. “I’m not gonna bring my little brother into this.”

And he already kind of knew, but this only confirms it. It also only solidifies his resolve to keep her close. “Standing in between you and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing. Maddie,” his voice turns from fierce to almost pleading, “are you in some kind of danger?”

Apparently almost a decade of no face to face contact has not hardened her to his pleading eyes, because she sags back in her chair and sighs: “The stuff that mom and dad hated about him, that you picked up on even as a teenager, it all got worse. Much worse over the last year or so.”

She swallows thickly, tears gathering in her eyes. Buck wants to comfort her, but doesn’t dare breathe or move for fear that she’ll stop finally telling him what’s been happening.

“When I threatened to leave, he threatened to kill me.” Her voice breaks properly now, the mask of strength chipped away to nothing. “And he meant it.”

Fucking hell.

Buck wants to get on the first plane to Pennsylvania and give Doug a piece of mind. Preferably with his fists. But Buck knows he’s not a fighter and that will end badly, not to mention that it’s not what Maddie needs right now. And what Maddie needs is far more important than anything Buck wants to do to Doug. So, he just holds out his hand, waiting for her to grab it, before he squeezes softly in support.

The gesture earns him a watery smile, before Maddie continues: “You know, when women in abusive relationships used to come into the hospital, I got to be honest, I would pass judgment. Like, why don’t you just leave him? Now I get it. It’s like you can’t even believe it’s happening.”

“But you broke free,” he reminds her, finally speaking. “And I’m proud of you.” Because he is and she needs to know that, but she also needs to know that she doesn’t have to be alone, so he tells her that too.

Looking at her face, she isn’t entirely convinced. She looks as if she wants to believe him, but can’t imagine that such a thing is true.

It breaks Buck’s heart and he is quick to suggest. “You should stay. Here. With Abuela and me and the 118, alright? Abuela loves you and otherwise I have room, I promise you can always ask. You’ll get my room, I’ll take the couch. All the privacy you want. And if Doug comes looking, then- then I know a lot of cops.”

At that Maddie gives him a small smile, eyes hopeful, and that is all Buck can ask for, especially when those eyes turn determined. “He won’t,” she says. “He doesn’t know you live here. He doesn’t know what you do. It’s a real benefit to being married to someone who doesn’t ask any questions.”

It’s a weak attempt at lightheartedness, but Buck doesn’t challenge it, instead matching her smile. He has permission to cling to her now. “Okay, that’s perfect. You can start over. I can help you. I can help get you a great nursing job at one of the hospitals.”

“No.” The answer surprises him and he’s sure his whole body pauses. Maddie explains: “I really miss helping people, but I can’t do that job every day, looking over my shoulder, wondering who’s walking through the front door.”

“Okay,” Buck nods thoughtfully, mind whirring. “So you want to help people, but not deal with them face to face.” He is neck deep in the helping people business – in all facets of that job – so he should come up with something. It hits him. “Yeah,” he grins. “I think I might have an idea.”

Maddie gives him a skeptical look, much like when she still lived at home and Buck had another idea for an afternoon activity that ‘will totally be so fun. Maddie, please, come on.’

“9-1-1 dispatcher,” Buck reveals proudly, a little smug when Maddie skepticism gets replaced by surprised delight.

“9-1-1 dispatcher,” she repeats, sounding it out and testing it on her tongue. “That sounds… interesting.”

“It is, they’re integral to the entire first responder system,” Buck says excitedly. “I interact with them every day. They make sure everything keeps running and keep people calm until we get there, they help them through the emergency before we can reach them. You’d be great at it.”

He is so excited about the idea and Maddie’s heart melts a little. She has missed Evan. Missed her little brother.

All these years she missed him, worried about him, clung to every card she got, hoping they’d never stop, because they were the only thing holding her together. Actually seeing them is the equivalent to the temporary studs being replaced by structural repairs.

She has always been his protector, but he’s always been her comforter. When she was fighting with her parents, he’d cuddle up with her, and when she was angry with Doug as a teen, he was there to try and cheer her up.

Evan has always been a helper. He’d stand next to her in the kitchen, watching her make a sandwich with big eyes and handing her the peanut butter jar. He’d tell their parents Maddie stayed with him after a nightmare, when she’d snuck out with friends. He’d given her an offer to get out, before it got worse than it ended up being and kept reaching out, even when she didn’t come with him.

And here he is, years later, still reaching out, still covering for her to her parents, still handing her what she needs. She loves him for it. She loves him so much.

The love she feels for him bubbles up in her and she pulls him into a big hug as she fiercely whispers: “Thank you so much. Thank you, Evan.”

“Of course,” he whispers back, holding her back equally tightly and equally fierce. And for as long as she needs him to.

When she lets go, she clears her throat. Even after everything she just told him, she wants to be strong and not cry on him. So, she says: “So. Uhm, what’s the Buck all about?”

“Oh, well,” Evan blushes, “it’s a nickname. There were a lot of Evan’s in my class at the fire academy. It kinda stuck,” he explains, then softly he adds: “I like it.”

It’s quiet and vulnerable, despite being so simple. She remembers Evan being yelled in the house, loaded with the heavy disappoint of not being someone else. How he has always shrank away from it, unless it was her saying it. Being Buck instead of Evan looks good on him, she wishes she could have been there to see him grow into himself, but she guesses she just has to learn to live with the ache of finding out about all the things she missed out on when she let him walk away.

Her smile is probably a little watery, but her voice is strong as she says: “I like it too. Buck.” And the blinding grin she gets in reply is worth everything she missed out on, because he is here now in front of her. Happy. Happy looks so good on him too. It hurts that it’s an unfamiliar expression on his familiar face.

They continue to catch up in Abuela’s back garden. She learns a lot about the people she met yesterday, surprised when Buck mentions Eddie started recently, with how easily he offered his grandmother’s house, she assumed he must have known them all for a while already now.

It’s also clear to her that her little brother is a little enamored with the man. He hasn’t mentioned anything about his sexuality to her. Another thing she missed out on.

She is already planning for the inevitable heartbreak when Eddie feels comfortable enough sharing that he has a husband. A husband who isn’t Buck. She hopes chocolate ice cream is still his favorite, that that hasn’t changed in all these years. That she still knows pieces of him.

Besides that, she gets some extra information on Chimney, the cute firefighter from the station she saw briefly. It’s not that she is going to do anything, she isn’t even sure she’s going to see more of Buck’s coworkers (other than Eddie, of course), but she wants to know anyway. So she has a better picture to fantasize.

Maddie has gotten really good at fantasizing to cope and Chimney is definitely someone she wants to fantasize about. He sounds like a good guy. She can use a good guy.

By the time Buck leaves, he feels less like a stranger she used to know and more like her baby brother. Plus, she has a job and a ride for her first day. Maddie has stopped having hope or being optimistic years ago, but something about Buck makes her want to try again. The smile doesn’t leave her face the whole day.

~~

A/N:

If I think about the Buckley siblings for too long, I go insane, istg.

Also their little lie getting out of control is so iconic to me, I love writing stories where one small thing gets out of hand and them not just ripping the band aid with Maddie now, is the beginning of the end xp

[kittieshauntedourfantasy]

I drew this immediately after watching RTC

"I told you not to be homophobic today!"

[shesholy]

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗 𝖔𝖓𝖊     .     initial     .

full     name:    jolene     eve     bowie     . nicknames,     aliases:  

jo     .

jojo     .

jb     .    

age:     thirty     . date     of     birth:     september     second     . place     of     birth:     tulsa     ,     oklahoma     . nationality:    american     . ethnicity:    white     (          scottish     ,     english          )     . languages     spoken:     english     ,     italian     (          not     fluent     though          )     .

zodiac     sign:    virgo     . hogwarts     house:    ravenclaw     . myers     -    briggs:    istj     -     t     .

occupation:   actress     (          formerly          )     ,     singer     ,     publicist     (          formerly          )     ,     businesswoman     ,     social     media     influencer     . education:     homeschooled     (         g.     2010        )     ,     univeristy     of     california     ,     los     angeles     (          g.     2014          )      career     claims:     ashley     tisdale     (          acting     &     singing          )     ,     avril     lavinge     (          singing          )     .

(          you     can     find     her     discography     here     .          )

height:    five     foot     eight     . weight:    128     lbs     . tattoos,     piercings:    same     as     faceclaim     .

father:     fulton     bowie     (          fifty     -     eight          )     ,     an     american     pastor     .     relationship     :     nonexistent     now     ,     the     biggest     antagonist     in     her     life      .     to     say     she     hates     him     would     be     an     understand     of     grand     proportions    .   mother:     lydia     bowie     nee     taylor     (          fifty     -     six          )     ,     an     american     stay     at     home     wife     and     event     planner     .    relationship     :    a     toxic     dynamic     ,     most     of     her     life     was     spent     trying     to     make     her     mother     proud     ,     now     she     just     harbors     resentment     toward     her     . sibling:     samuel     bowie     ,     (          thirty     -     two          )     ,     an     american     professor     at     the     university     of     oklahoma       .     relationship     :     once     her     best     friend     now     he’s     the     biggest     let     down     of     her     entire     life     ;     she     still     misses     him     every     damn      day     .      pets:     motley     (          white     siberian     husky     ,     five     years     old         )

gender:    cis     female     . pronouns:     she     /     her     . orientation:    bisexual     . status:   single     . past     relationships:

maverick     ledger     .     (          d.     2012     -     2016          )

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖜𝖔     .     background     .

chara     inspo   :     red     reznikov     (     orange     is     the     new     black     )     ,     betty     cooper     (     riverdale    )     ,     varys   (     game     of     thrones     )     .

jolene  was  born  in  september  of  1992  ,  the  only  daughter  of  fulton  and  lydia  bowie  .  from  the  outside  looking  in  the  bowie  household  was  perfect  ,  the  perfect  picture  of  an  american  family  :  spiritual  couple  who  did  everything  the  right  way  and  there  two  well  behaved  and  happy  children  .  that  wasn’t  the  case  though  .  behind  the  walls  of  the  victorian  home  ,  when  the  masks  fell  off  ,  was  a  family  falling  apart  at  the  hands  of  a  father  boiling  with  a  brutal  anger  and  a  mother  with  harbored  animosity  at  the  world  .  a  dynamic  duo  of  physical  and  emotional  abuse  .  a  young  jolene  was  doomed  from  the  start  ,  in  her  younger  years  ,  a  meek  little  girl  crippled  by  her  home  life  .  her  only  escape  being  her  brother  who  tried  his  best  to  protect  her  but  at  just  two  years  older  his  attempts  could  only  do  so  much  .  

in  an  attempt  to  bring  her  out  of  her  shell  ,  her  mother  signed  her  up  for  a  talent  search  .  jolene  cried  the  entire  drive  to  auditions  :  petrified  of  being  turned  down  ,  not  being  liked  and  worse  of  all  proving  all  the  harsh  words  her  mother  had  always  thrown  her  way  right  .  when  the  talent  managers  loved  her  though  ,  the  look  of  pride  on  her  mother’s  face  was  something  she’d  cling  onto  for  dear  life  in  the  years  to  come  .  adolescence  spent  between  oklahoma  and  los  angles  once  realization  hit  that  she  was  now  apart  of  the  disney  machine  .  los  angeles  became  a  safe  haven  for  her  (  for  some  time  atleast  )  ,  something  she  was  sure  most  people  would  never  quite  understand  .  finding  herself  and  her  voice  ,  things  were  seemingly  on  the  up  and  up  for  her  .  

everything  came  crashing  down  when  she  was  photographed  kissing  a  co  -  star  --  another  girl  .  her  parents  not  the  most  accepting  pair  in  the  world  didn’t  take  well  to  this  and  the  abuse  that  had  seemingly  started  to  lessen  over  the  years  worsened  to  a  point  she  landed  in  the  hospital  .  blessing  and  a  curse  ,  now  that  she  looks  back  at  the  time  .  she’d  finally  told  someone  about  her  home  life  ,  a  nurse  at  the  hospital  ,  and  soon  enough  the  process  to  become  emancipated  started  for  her  .  once  the  news  was  broken  to  her  parents  ,  they  seemingly  let  her  go  with  ease  ,  claiming  she  was  already  dead  to  them  .  entirely  disowned  by  her  parents  ,  her  brother  was  her  only  family  left  but  after  a  few  months  even  he  sided  with  their  parents  and  cut  all  ties  jolene  .  

entirely  alone  and  on  her  own  in  hollywood  was  a  recipe  for  disaster  and  like  many  disney  kids  fate  she  spiraled  .  perfect  reputation  slipping  out  her  grasp  with  every  day  that  passed  .  drugs  ,  sex  ,  and  alcohol  ruled  her  life  and  soon  enough  disney  was  sick  of  trying  to  cover  it  all  up  .  giving  her  an  ultimatum  :  go  into  rehab  and  clean  up  her  act  or  cut  ties  with  disney  .  naturally  she  opted  for  rehab  and  after  six  months  she  was  seemingly  back  and  better  than  ever  ,  truth  was  ,  she  was  still  struggling  and  the  lime  light  only  worsened  things  for  her  .  

at  eighteen  she  packed  up  her  career  and  without  a  single  trace  fell  off  the  face  off  the  earth  .  no  longer  wanting  to  be  famous  ,  realization  that  acting  was  simply  just  a  means  for  her  to  try  and  make  her  mom  proud  --  something  she  no  longer  cared  to  do  .  she  enrolled  in  university  ,  majoring  in  business  with  a  minor  in  communications  ,  no  idea  what  she  was  going  to  do  with  her  degree  but  excited  to  start  down  a  new  path  all  of  her  own  .  college  was  fun  for  her  another  chance  to  find  herself  (  she  has  an  obsession  with  recreating  herself  )  .  she  was  feisty  and  strong  willed  ,  traces  of  that  meek  little  girl  she  once  was  scrubbed  clean  .  

when  the  time  came  to  graduate  she  realized  a  purpose  behind  everything  she’d  gone  through  with  fame  :  she  knew  the  ins  and  outs  of  it  all  and  could  easily  help  other’s  navigate  their  own  trials  and  tribulations  when  it  came  to  their  fame  .  becoming  a  publicists  was  fulfilling  for  her  ,  her  clients  becoming  a  form  of  her  very  own  found  family  (  she’d  do  anything  for  them  to  this  day  ,  even  ruin  her  own  reputation  if  she  had  to  )  .  she  was  one  of  the  good  ones  ,  despite  her  lack  of  a  filter  ,  and  she  cared  for  each  and  every  one  her  clients  and  their  careers  .  over  time  a  new  opportunity  arose  and  had  it  been  anyone  else  asking  for  her  help  she  would  have  likely  turned  them  down  but  when  carter  called  for  her  to  take  care  of  the  business  side  of  les  deux  she  simply  couldn’t  say  no  .  taking  off  her  publicist  cap  and  putting  on  one  more  suited  for  a  businesswoman  .  she  misses  the  pr  world  at  times  but  still  very  much  so  has  an  open  door  policy  with  anyone  looking  for  a  bit  of  advice  .  

when  she  not  busy  with  the  business  she  making  youtube  videos  and  makes  regular  podcast  runs  ,  something  she  fell  in  love  with  doing  back  in  college  and  hasn’t  let  go  of  since  .  she’s  finally  found  under  all  the  trash  that  was  piled  up  on  her  as  child  and  is  unwilling  to  ever  lose  herself  again  .  recently  becoming  more  vocal  about  her  childhood  ,  netflix  has  contacted  her  to  do  a  docuseries  on  her  life  .  although  filming  is  still  going  on  the  title  was  leaked  “  jolene  bowie  :  a  dance  with  the  devil  “  .  since  the  announcement  of  the  documentary  her  family  has  already  made  public  statements  trying  to  discredit  her  but  the  new  version  of  jolene  won’t  allow  them  to  silence  her  ever  again  .                                                                                                                                              

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊     .     facts     .

has  an  affinity  for  anything  vintage  .  lives  by  vinyls  ,  polaroids  ,  old  magazines  ,  and  cars  older  than  her  father  .  she’s  a  big  collector  and  has  a  vast  collection  of  all  the  above  .  yes  ,  she  the  type  to  peruse  through  a  music  store  for  hours  and  drive  by  the  ocean  in  her  1962  oldsmobile  starfire  convertible  (  her  favorite  out  her  her  entire  car  collection  )  .  

still  does  music  here  and  there  but  it’s  more  for  herself  not  for  anyone  else  and  if  people  like  it  she  takes  that  as  a  plus  . 

very adventurous  ,  she’s  the  type  to  just  up  and  leave  for  a  week  without  a  word  .  you’ll  only  know  she’s  gone  when  she  posts  in  some  beautiful  country  on  instagram  . 

has  a  tough  relationship  with  love  ,  she  doesn’t  say  the  word  willy  nilly  and  is  incredibly  guarded  with  who  she  lets  in  .  if  she  loves  someone  ,  she’ll  always  love  them  . 

vulger  mouth  ,  with  no  filter  .  she  doesn’t  beat  around  the  bush  ,  ever  ,  and  can  be  a  bit  insensitive  at  times  with  how  she  says  things  .  she  never  says  anything  out  of  malice  but  her  tone  can  and  has  rubbed  many  the  wrong  way  over  the  years  . 

a  mother  bear  to  her  core  (  even  though  she  doesn’t  actually  have  children  )  .  she  doesn’t  care  if  you’re  ten  years  younger  ,  the  same  age  ,  or  ten  years  older  ,  she  is  a  protector  and  will  die  on  that  hill  .                                          

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗 𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖗     .     wanted     connections     .

hehe  .

[spidrboots]

ANONYMOUS said ; Angel, what was your dad like?

send anons about muse's dad . / accepting !

he's not sure why he's so open in regards to talking about henroin. he isn't normally. his father was a sore topic of discussion for him, like a wound that refuses to scab over & properly heal. maybe if he quit picking, it would have a chance. but it festers & aches & burns with only short bursts of reprieve between the pain.

his tone is clipped & uncharacteristically low as he answers, teeth clenched tight, " he sucked. ain't no shock he's down 'ere, too. guess he got me into the family business, ya' know, of organized crime an' all. an' i ate that shit up ; i was damn good at it, too. " his bottom lip catches between pointed teeth as he considers his next words. his perfectly sculpted brows lower over his face, a storm cloud brewing.

" like most asshole dads in the 40's, he wasn't too keen on me likin' boys. didn't approve of most a' my life choices, actually. kept me around 'cause i knew how to do business, but he was a strict fucker. set in his ways. still is, far as i know. not that he wants anythin' to do with me now. not that i care. wasn't afraid to hit 'is kids, that's for damn sure. " his voice trails off, lost in his memories. a stiff drink was beginning to sound lovely.

[romanrhodes]

a letter to Eric Rhodes | self-para

( This letter was written by Roman Rhodes as part of his therapy treatment, in which he was encouraged to explore his unresolved feelings through journalling and writing letters 'he would never send'. After some careful editing of the original, he decided to send this letter to his father, Eric Rhodes. This letter was posted on Monday 15th May, 2023.)

Hey Dad,

It's been five years since we've been in contact, which is a long time to not talk to your dad. I recognise it was my decision to no longer communicate with you, but I've figured now is as good a time as ever to break that silence. I don't know if you'll read this letter. I don't know if you'll respond. I can respect it if you choose to not do anything because I'm not writing this letter for that reason.

I'm writing to you because there is a lot I never said and I wanted to get it all out in the open. The men in our family have never been good at opening up and being truly honest with one another, but I think we both know I've never been good at pretending. I tried to, for your sake and for my own sake, but all it did was make me deeply unhappy for many years. So, as painful and as vulnerable as it might be, I'm doing it differently now. I'm talking about it.

There's no easy or polite way to say this, so I'm not going to try. All my life, all I ever wanted, was for you to be proud of me. To this day, I do not know what you wanted me to do in order to achieve that. Did you even know? For many years, I felt like I was playing some game where no one would tell me the rules, but it would be evident whenever I got it wrong.

I played baseball like Ryan did, and I was never as good as him, but I still tried. You never once attended a game for me.

I took a job at the diner as soon as I was old enough. I was thirteen. I was there every Saturday, filling salt shakers and napkin holders, wiping tables, and washing dishes. I learned to cook so I could be a chef there, so I could continue the family business. I wanted to run that diner. We both know I did. For so long, I didn't say anything, worried I would come across as rude, or entitled. Instead, I worked hard, and I left to become professionally trained. I hoped that one day you would see how much I wanted it, but when I was brave enough to bring it up, you told me Ryan would inherit everything because he was born first.

I travelled to Europe and South America. I worked in so many incredible restaurants and lived in so many beautiful and different places. I learned languages. I worked in the best restaurant in New York. I have a great deal of pride in my achievements. Why shouldn't I be proud? I pushed myself so hard to grow and learn and be the best, just to get you to acknowledge me. Yet somehow I went from not knowing enough, to suddenly knowing too much, getting 'too big for my boots'. So I was damned if I had done it and damned if I hadn't.

You never once said you were proud of me, and I spent my whole life pushing to get you to say it. I shouldn't have had to do that, Dad. You could've said it, and I still would've done great things.

I've been going to therapy for the past month. It's part of the reason I'm writing you this letter, to journal, to get everything out of my system. Again, I don't do this with the expectation of a response from you. I'm writing this for me. What I'm about to say may hurt you even more, but it's the truth, and I'm done pretending it's not who I am.

I'm bisexual. I've dated women and I've dated men. I am fully capable of falling in love with either. My first love was a boy, who I dated in East Haven, from age fifteen to twenty. I never told you, or Mom, or anyone, because I was terrified of you throwing me out, of you hating me. Although neither of you outright said anything, I heard the people at our church, in our community, and you never said anything to the contrary.

As painful as this letter might've been to read, I wanted to thank you for giving me the farmhouse, the farm, and the diner. I don't know why you did it, and at first, it was a shock. But I'm glad I got it, and I'm glad to have come back to East Haven. I've made changes to the diner, just like you always feared I would. Just improving and updating the recipes, but I have plans.

I've tidied up the house, and taken out a lot of furniture. I know you might be upset by that, but there was so much junk, Dad. You don't need to hold onto everything just because someone gave it to you.

I'm doing up the farm. I want to see it running again. I'm making plans to grow vegetables and fruit to supply the diner one day. It's a major work in progress, but I'm determined. I've met a great guy, and I really like him. He's helping me do up the farm, and he makes me happy.

I'm not sure what else to tell you. I wish I knew what happened to Ryan. I wish to know what happened to you. I don't hate him, or you. I feel like we've grown so far apart, it's difficult to say I love you when I feel like I'm going to be met with silence.

I do hope one day we can talk, but I realise it might not be possible. If you want to, you know where I am.

I wish you all the best, Dad.

Your son, Roman