#tw suicide talk

[sarathrwizard]

Two Hearts Beat as One

(tw Suicide talk)

oops...

Last =+= Next

[anonpolls]

TW: Suicide / Suicidal Ideation

Thanks, Anon!

-submit your poll!-

[femboyhorror]

"Oops, My Brother is Clinically Depressed!"

( a comic i doodled up based off of the end of chapter 3 of fisherman's knot by @scribefindegil a.k.a. a scene that has living in my lizard brain rent free since i read it. go check that story out of you haven't! i hope i did the scene justice! )

[sotogalmo]

3:00 am (4 days ago) — 12:34

“Come, my prince, kiss me in that forest...”

@alien-til-i-stage / @starry-skiez (small but lots of mentions of Ciaran) :

@solei-eclipse / @junebluues / @chokkito / @4listr / @aakaneeee / @rockwgooglyeyes / @teapotuser + @bluemoonscape

Before it all— continuing from my other post, which is the aftermath.

"now, let's get some rest. Tomorrow is a very special day, is it not?" Yume has said, a lot of the times after seeing the 'Sun' set while being in the garden.

It's something that he's cherished, but not outrightly stated that it's something he liked doing. It's more like a gift- that's what Yume has thought and called it

Sleep is a gift; and those who are able to sleep are given such a gift because it's necessary for them (not for me, they wanted to see if they can push me to the end)

And such a gift, is good for them.

And it's something he wanted to learn about; it's not that weird that he watches others, isn't it?

He's learning about it, and it's better to do it up close and personal- a hands-on type of experiment. So it's not weird of him to stare.

It's actually quite normal for him to stare at others.

Seeing others sleep, whether they sleep within seconds or take longer- it's all interesting to him.

They are also in weird and funny positions to sleep in... But it's nice that they trust him when they fall asleep next to him.

He, Yume Nagai -"the sleep potentate"- finds it's very nice of them to trust him with such dreams and how close he is to them (physically, he doesn't really know what happens in their dreams, but he hopes it's nothing but what they want)

But it seems whenever they sleep close to him, they have happy dreams!

That makes him.. feel... Nice about himself. And it gives him purpose.

To which, he couldn't help but let his mind wander thru his past as he stared at some of them sleeping.

His past before he met the ones in his class; before he met his class.

His past where he would indulge in his own choosing of hanging out with Ald, for as long as he can. That has him asking questions, and never getting a full straight answer— but the fact that he can hang out and hear his voice?

Ah, it's so wonderful that it just drives him wild.

Even if Ald later down the line forgot about him and then got a new pet, oh what was his name? Sebstian? Sebastion? No one cares.

Yume had loved him since they had their first meeting; when they first looked at each other and then a spark happened.

And he was helpful too! Since he could bring Ald to greatness and provide wealth for him; he was technically the son of a doctor.

And he didn't mind! He actually accepted it, outright. And if it means that the silly childhood promise they both made when they met, could be kept in like a secret; a place where he will compromise for Ald's forgetfulness—

Because as long as he has him, surely everything will be alright. Even if he forgets- as long as they are together physically; he can be safe and sweet.

...

To which, it connects to what he's been seeing and what he's seeing right now. Someone is having trouble sleeping- someone not close to him, so they're fine.

But some of them seem to be in a nightmare; granted, Sebastian always has nightmares or just plain black dreams. so it's not surprising when it comes to him—

But for the others. It's a bit of a surprise. But then again, this places does bring them so much anxiety- fear and relentless horror. Even if they don't know it.

At least the subtle-ness of such a place gets to them subconsciously. It always was like that for him, so most likely it's for the others too. It would make sense

And in a way, he has just the right thing for them that can soothe them and bring much happier dreams than the ones that they're having. Well- not really, and he doesn't feel up to it.

In a way, he's jealous because they can have this gift of being human and having a rest. It's a gift that many of them have shared with others since the very start of their birth.

But, also- he's helpful to them because he can lure them to sleep— he was helpful for Ald!

He thinks he's helpful for the others because of how he can help them with their sleeping habits. And it makes him happy that he can help them; which has turned into a thing he does for the sake of their health and overall happiness.

Everyone has worries that weigh them down from day to day, he knows that with perfect -unchained, unscorecard, and unrestrained- knowledge because he's always seen worry.

"mama" he would first think, and then- "or papa... I don't know which is more fitting for them, but mama gives me... makes me a tiny bit of.. happiness..."

But then he'll just continue this train of thought: "mama and every other person I was able to see.. I could see their worries plain as day. Even with their sleeplessness, it wasn't hard to find it. It's under their eyelids, they are called "eye bags" I've been told by ama." — "and that was why some of them have been so surprised when I went up to them, whenever I could. I think."

"But! Now! With this medicine I plan on making, with the tiny leaves I've gathered when I was out playing with Ciaran (ah, ciaran..), and the.. cuts I gave myself. Leaves and liquid are important for making a cure, right?"

Yume hums a small tone, nothing significant. Just something that he regularly hums whenever he's too deep into his mind— "repeated tasks in uninspiring daily life, deepest longings.. ah, you know. Only inside a dream, you can leave it all behind-"

He's thought of that, too many times.

To close his eyes, cast away anything - anyone - everyone and everything he's tired of because if-

Ah. You already know that though. I bet you do, it's the main reason why he was made!

Such irony.

That he, now also does the same for the same reason; to lose himseld in his mind inside of his realities, where it's all true! (oh, who needs reality when you can dream? It's very simple!)

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

.... . / .-- .- .-.. -.- . -.. / - --- / - .... . -- .-.-.- / --. .. ...- .. -. --. / - .... . -- / .- / --. .. ..-. - .-.-.- / .- / --. .. ..-. - / ..-. --- .-. / - .... . -- / - --- / -... . / ..-. .-. . . / ..-. .-. --- -- / - .... . / .-.. .. ..-. . / - .... .- - / .. ... / .- -. .- -.- - / --. .- .-. -.. . -. .-.-.- / .- / --. .. ..-. - --..-- / .- / -... .-.. ..- . / ...- .. .- .-.. .-.-.- / .- / ...- .. .- .-.. / .. -. / .... .. ... / .... .- -. -.. / - .... .- - / .. ... / -.. .- -- .- --. . -.. / -... . -.-- --- -. -.. / .-. . - ..- .-. -. --..-- / .- -. -.. / - .... .- - / -... .-.. ..- . / ...- .. .- .-.. / .-.. --- --- -.- ... / .-.. .. -.- . / .-- .- - . .-. .-.-.- / ... ..- .-. . .-.. -.-- / - .... .. ... / --. .. ..-. - / .. ... / -. --- / .--. --- .. ... --- -. -.-.-- / -... . -.-. .- ..- ... . / .-- .... -.-- / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / .. - / -... . ..--.. / .-- .... -.-- / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / .... . / --. .. ...- . / - .... . -- / ... ..- -.-. .... / .- / - .... .. -. --. ..--.. / .... . / -.-. .- .-. . ... / ..-. --- .-. / - .... . -- .-.-.- / - .... . ... . / .-.. --- .-- .-.. -.-- / .--. . - ... / --- -. .-.. -.-- / .-- .- -. - .. -. --. / .- -. -.. / .-- .- .. - .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / - .... . / --. .-. .. -- .-.-.- / - .... . / -- ..- .-. -.- -.-- / .-- .- - . .-. --..-- / - --- --- / -.. .- .-. -.- / -.-- . - / .. - .----. ... / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .-..-. .-- .- - . .-. .-..-. .-.-.- / .- / --. .. ..-. - / - --- / .- .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. / - .... . -- .-.-.- / -. --- .-- / --- ..-. ..-. / .. -. - --- / .... .- .--. .--. -.-- / -.. .-. . .- -- ... --..-- / .- .-.. .-.. / - .... . / -.-. .... .. .-.. -.. .-. . -. / ... .... .- .-.. .-.. / -.. .-. .. ..-. - / - --- / - .... . .. .-. / ... .- ..-. . / .... .- ...- . -. .-.-.-

But now,

I can—

Be free.....

Yume hums a small tone, nothing significant. Just something that he regularly hums whenever he's too deep into his mind— He thinks he's helpful for the others because of how he can help them with their sleeping habits; he's shown that! His vial, his medicine- his "gift". And it makes him happy that he can help them; which has turned into a thing he does for the sake of their health and overall happiness.

For the sake of his—

CRASH. (Wink)

Oh?

Ah.

That rat— vermin, again.

Isn't it?

Roaming the halls, seems like he's not actually a heavy sleeper; but that's to be expected. He's always on the worry side of everything.

That's what Ald has been telling him, when he was first adopted he would make these small mistakes just like a new-born fawn! Ald found it funny, and so does Yume.

Hah, how can a faun- a deer survive in these conditions?

Ah.

But if he finds out; oh. He might tell the others— he seems to be that type of person, either way.

A scaredy cat that makes too many mistakes that it's funny, a mouse that tells on others, a rat that hears and whines, a vermin who's nothing but pest— nothing but oblivious to the idea that Yume has; that will set them both and many others free from this place.

So, yes. He has “"broken in"”. Not his fault that the aliens didn't trust him enough to watch the others...

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

. . . . . .

They met.

Face to face—

Once again. But this time with no "axe" behind Yume as to "disregard" his 'clone' (ahahah, ahahaha! funny- because he's the one and only Yume Nagai. Why would there be clones of him?)

They were standing near- so damn near- the entrance of the garden.

The ever-shifting colored box; the top of it open. They could see the stars- the other planets— everything.

. .

. . .

But that doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter to him; Yume. It doesn't matter.

It shouldn't, and it doesn't matter.

Why is Sebastian so resistant? Why does he hesitate (Drink up the vial. Take a breath; Suck out the poison, let it touch you) ? Why does he second guess, everything given to him?

This gift, why does he wake so easily from it?

This gift, why does he always worry it would never work?

This gift, why does he call it "nightmare"?

... Yume walks away; oh, he doesn't want to spend a MINUTE longer with this ginger!

He always makes him confused, questioning himself; but of course! What he thinks about Sebastian is nothing but rivalry!

Why should he feel connected, and feel just the same when he was with Ald (with Ciaran)?

Sebastian is the total opposite of them, and that doesn't feel nice.

Yume is now back in his room. Not alone, but he's back in his room. In all honesty, that's better than being in the halls where the others could see them.

This is better, because he can now- revisit the way he did his cure. (Feelin' feelin' feelin' feelin' f e a r)

And maybe have someone taste it (Drink up the vial. Take a breath; Suck out the poison, let it touch you) out! To see if it's perfect for the others.. even if he already gave those said others (those nobodies) their peace!

Yume sits back down, close to the area where he was making his cure; his gift to them all. Before he heard Sebastian's voice;

Of course it wobbled, but only a slight bit before he 'yelled' (more like he whispered this out loud in a very hushed but loud voice)— "Stop this already!"

To which? Of course, Yume responded, in the same tone and everything. You don't want the others to catch you, right?

"Stop what?"

Sebastian's hands waved around in the air (With a slight fever,) as he tried to remember what Yume called that glass bottle- "this- that thing that you're creating!—

You can't keep making it-!" Such a ""hero"" (but he is here with a weapon.. no, it can't be.)

"Why not!? Why not!? What's so bad about finally having rest!?" (wink.) "I'm here to save you all!"

"To start the end of the beginning."

"......"

"So I can finally meet him again... I have to do this."

"How are you so sure that this will make you meet him?"

"you... you just want to die!"

"AND!?"

"if I DIE, then they'll surely ask you about me. And he- he'll ask you about me! He'll finally talk about me!"

"Also...." Yume stopped for a bit, lowering his hoarse voice.

"Are how you so sure, I'll die? I know I will, but I'll not stay dead for long. I know it for sure." Saying it with such childishly sweet reassurance.

Sebastian gripped his scissors. Wondering if that tone should've been comforting, or something. It sounds— wrong. Like it's not supposed, to be that childish. That sweet- that unbothered.

Yume held onto his box cutters, the ones he found and hid away from the aliens- so very well.

"Besides. You know what Ald eats."

Sebastian shudders at the memories of seeing.. three? Or possibly more, human bodies that sometimes look like him; with the same clothes and everything-! The same rat hats, same rat tail belts, and everything. (Even the same things that the other pets would hunt- everything was prey. He was prey. But he lived; why? What's so interesting about him? Why did Ald keep him alive?)

"I only hope to be helpful to him. To be his resource, to be his~."

Sebastian looked away as he slightly drew blood from his own hand holding onto his scissors too tightly. "I should've known it would be like this, for that reason.. because you are weird, and a freak... ..... but why.. just why Yume..."

"it's only natural, that I'll finally be useful to him. And that they'll never let me go... I'm too important to them."

"Why.."

"Isn't painful? Suffocating?

Do you just want to escape it all?"

He's being... He's being vulnerable.

"Too tired of it all?" (A woman is eavesdropping on them; she lightly shakes and then looks down while having her robe on. She understands what he's saying.....)

"But."

What do you mean "but"? (Drink up the vial

Take a breath

Wink

Suck out the poison

Let it touch you)

"That's alright. It's fine; it's just how- and the way humans are."

You're saying that like you're.. you, yourself aren't human.... (Save this game, Mr. A)

Yume brings his box cutters to a spot on his wrist, like he's an expert at such harm (he is, just look at how he needed a glove to hide his marks!)— he didn't even have to look at his arm; his hand.

He knew just the spot, and he knew how to finish his cure; his gift— the heaven's blessing.

Love's love.

.

. .

. . .

His own blood.

If he can't give it to Ald (not Ald, not Ald. It's Ciaran), then he can at least "accidentally" give it to him.

The leaves, his blood, the poppy lookalike flowers (they are called ANAKT flowers, but he doesn't buy it. Fake? Of course, but it's the best he can do)- along with one silvervine.

Sebastian looks around, continuing to draw blood from his sweaty palm that is holding onto his weapon (Still covering my right eye

I check the tears). ..... He's thinking of doing what he should do- as a way to stop this craziness (yes, he knows that Yume has already been crazy from the start since they met, but this— ....)

A cut; and the drip-drip-drip of fresh blood. The metal smell overwhelms Sebastian, as he dashes forwards to pull Yume away; getting some of it (the blood, the blood coming from Yume's already too far gone wrist) way from the small bottle that Yume has been working on for who knows how long..

To which?

Yume attacks.

How DARE he stop this!

He would've dragged him down with him later or earlier, but now it seems like he should drag him down with him; NOW.

If Sebastian is acting like this, then he must surely want to be dead with him right now— but he can't.. he doesn't have the strength for it. (The woman outside of their door, starts to leave. They don't pay attention- but surely the guards might've- should've heard of her steps. It seems to be close to morning? The time where they would put the place in "day mode"; pink hair in cat-ear like buns sways, leaving with a younger girl who has ear-length ginger brown hair)

So it was easy for Sebastian, the one who can hold an alien back by one hand, to hold him in place and to at least try and help— keyword; try.

He tries.

He doesn't succeeds.

Yume scratches at his arm's bicep.

Not necessarily with his nails, but also with his box cutter. It's easy to do that (he had to, switch? the placement of his box cutters onto the other hand because his hand is bleeding out. Slowly, but still).

He was giving something back; he was giving that pain back. Not to the actual one who caused it, but the one who caused confusion for him.

He lightly smirked again, a last time type of smirk; the same smirk he had when they first met (God, Sebastian thinks, this makes me sound cheesy as hell. As if I liked him- no, not that. As if I "loved" him.....)

But his smirk was hiding something. Sebastian just knows it; how can he smile like this? And use so much force to crave words into his biceps....

He's—

you had used me, and abused me, made me feel small. You had cast aside my feelings, treated me like a doll. Even long before the gift, you'd broken my heart.

It was all I could do to tear the damn place apart! (I'll scream until I rot away)

They are face to face again.

Sebastian is holding in his tears (he doesn't want to be seen as weak, or pathetic. He doesn't like tears because of that. He only wants to be helpful)

Yume is ever smiling back at him.

. . . This feels so weird...

it's a medicine, it brings sleep make no mistake. And the sleep's eternal, so you never shall wake.

With what he can do for now, he reaches over to the glass bottle. Sebastian doesn't move, as he only tighten his grip onto him- trying so much.

"This is okay. This is okay." Yume said, what is he trying to achieve with saying that?

My Insomnia is transformed to a thing of the past.

Yume pushes them both away from each other. Sebastian brings his scissors to Yume's shoulder; close to his neck and collarbone (he wanted to stop this, in one way to another. Even if blood is made. He has to chase his heart) — to that, Yume somewhat whined. Only for a little bit

No longer the sleep princess, instead the sleeping beauty~—

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

. . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

The same pink haired woman is lightly seen. She's with— no.

It can't be.

It must be a clone, at least!

[currentlyeatingrocks]

ur brother’s dead dead they couldn’t save him in time

…

I’m going to go hang myself

[pulim-v]

I'm going to [remembers it's suicide prevention month] develop breast cancer

[italic-doing-random-shit]

I can’t explain how scared I am because of KOSA

long rant (tw shooting mention and lots of suicide mentions)

I just

I’ve literally never had friends like this, only one person was that exception

I mean, I don’t talk to much at school or out side of school and I know people didn’t like talking to me anyways. I was the kid people would only be nice to in school because, quote ‘I wanna be spared when you shoot up this damn place’

just because I wasn’t always preppy and happy at school. Just because I wasn’t happy with myself. I won’t never ever even touch a gun but people in my irl life weren’t kind to me

I’ve said it before but it got so bad I almost killed myself. I’m surprised I didn’t go through with shit at the time and for a long time I hated myself even more for it.

still people were cruel and selfish to me.

but here was different. People didn’t use me as an object. People didn’t think I was violent or crazy. People here treated me like a person.

I not longer regret not going through with my attempt. I no longer feel as awful as I did over a year ago. I’ve realized stuff in my life just because someone would have a conversation with me that wasn’t fueled by another motive.

i have actual friends. I love people who love me dearly, and I love them too. And I cannot lose them. I can’t.

KOSA would’ve drove me to kill myself.

KOSA will kill so many kids. Children.

I was only twelve, it could be someone younger.

stop KOSA. It doesn’t help at all. It hurts. It affects all countries despite only being American.

[starfilled-galaxy]

i made a mistake and i hurt someone and i feel bad and rsd is making me feel worse and i feel self centered and nothing is going right and my keychain that i just got broke and my friend is dead and

[hotchfiles]

do ya guys think aaron would’ve committed suicide if foyet had gotten to jack before he arrived?

[problematic-alters-unsilenced]

tw for being locked up, isolation for no reason, shitty ex of ours, dormancy/sui mentions

im the host and had the misfortune of one of my alters meeting this girl.

originally, i would be locked in my headspace room if the caretakers/protectors/headspace leaders didn’t deem me safe for myself.

it was always because i apparently threw a tantrum.

but it didnt happen much before we met this girl.

long story short, she was mainly using us to play whatever fantasies she had with two alters that were fictives from her favorite animes.

I have hundreds of alters at this point and she asks for and demands for only two at all times. the alter that met her and told her we were a sys is not one of them.

he really had feelings for her and it just feels like she used it to get him to convince me to not be with anyone else.

the story gets very complicated but basically i ended up wanting to be with someone else. and as the host, i feel like it was my choice. the body is mine, and i felt lots of love for this other person.

she didn’t like this person, they knew each other, and didn’t like that i wanted to be with someone else.

when i was ignored always?

anyways when i tried to be with this person, she didn’t like it. and the two alters she always talked to liked her too and basically always did what she wanted.

and because i wasnt doing what she wanted and was apparently acting like a child and throwing tantrums, i was put in my room for weeks.

whenever i did front, i would try to talk to her and only felt ignored. so i went back to talking to the person i did like.

eventually they got annoyed because apparently i wasnt learning my lesson and started being put in this empty room. completely bare, no decor no bed no nothing just empty and dark and alone.

i think i remember trying to die multiple times, hoping to stay dormant permanently and just not have to deal with any of it.

we arent with that person anymore, we have a partner system now (i think you can call it that?) and i have someone that tells me they care for me now

i just wanted to talk about this because its something thats been on my mind for a few days now and it’s been upsetting me.

it still happens occasionally now, but my alters reasoning now is that i get hysterical and wont calm down. empty rooms scare me though

- 💖

Not putting on anon cause i don’t care pft

that is absolutely horrible D: you deserve to be listened to and understood and respected just like anybody else. That is just.. horrible. I hope you're doing better now and that it gets better in the future <3

[dissociative-degenerate]

Okay, so I'm not actively suicidal, like I don't have a plan that is. Just lots of suicidal ideation. I'm not functional currently. I can't work, do chores, or do basic personal hygiene. I'm not like in despair like I used to be when I was depressed as a teen or younger adult. But I'm so fucking numb. I've been on the same meds for 5 years and don't currently have a psychiatrist. I don't see my doc for another month, and there's no sooner appoitments unfortunately. I have a therapist I pay for, but I only see them once in a while cause money. Idk what to do. What I'd hope I'd get from the hospital is a referral to a psych and maybe an intensive outpatient program. I don't really want to be admitted, but I would go willingly to inpatient if they told me to. What has me hesitating is the possibility of waiting 10 hours and then being sent home with nothing. So like I need people's opinion. Like I don't really think I'm bad enough to warrant an ER visit, but like there's not really any other options for getting help??? So idk what to do. My supervisor and SUD support group people are telling me to just go and see, but ahhhh ugh idk. Anyway your opinion is appreciated :)

[fangirlanxiety74]

Might delete this later idk

I just feel so stressed and hopeless. Doom scrolling is so hard to stop when it's all your algorithm pushes you. If it's not Tiktok, it's here with mutuals reblogging it. Or a million and one asks in my askbox of potential bots begging me to give them money. If it's not here, it's bluesky. If it's not bluesky, it's somewhere else. It's everything. It's everywhere. I don't know how to escape it.

I don't want my mutuals to stop reblogging it, please keep that in mind if you, a mutual, does read this. Don't stop spreading the word. People need to see it. I need to see it.

I'm just, so weak, though. I don't know. I see it all and my only thought is how awful of a person I am. How I'm not doing more. I'm not protesting in the streets and putting myself at risk of harm or death (I'm too scared to die. It's why I'm alive. I'm too scared to die), I'm not reblogging enough resources, I'm not donating (I can barely afford to care for myself, but I feel this need to give everyone my money anyway because they need it more), I'm not listening good enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I want to be a good person. I want to be someone who people feel safe around, and feel supported by, and can look to for advice and help when they need it. I want to give everyone everything they ever need to be happy but I can't, I can't help, I can only watch the world crumble and feel like I'm not doing my part and that means it's somehow my fault, at least partly.

I'm so tired. And I'm privileged. I live in a blue state. I can pass as white. I can pass as straight. I'm cis. I'm privileged as all hell. I tick off every box besides being a woman, and a young one at that. I'm 22, I look 16 (not a good thing- I'm very afraid of what it means when a man shows interest in me. My first thought always jumps to "How old does he think I am?"). I can't fight. I don't know self defense. I'm physically weak. I'm short and don't weigh much. It's so easy to kill me. But I'm privileged because they won't think of me when they want to kill someone. They'll think of my friends. They'll think of my partner. They'll think of innocents who don't look or talk like me. That's so scary. It's so scary that I can't help them. How can I help them? I want to be good. I want to help. I'm so tired.

I don't know. I don't want to look away from it all. But I don't think I can keep looking anymore. Because I can only do so much. I'm just one person.

I think back to the person who once thanked me on this site, for reblogging resources and links to donations for people in need, and I told them the same thing I'm saying now: Don't thank me. Because it's the bare minimum. It's just what a good person would do. It's what any person should do. It's such a small ask. How come I'm being thanked for just one small ask? Thank the people who are really making a change. The ones who go out and find these people in need, who actively go out in the world and protest for their rights, and put their lives at risk, and have the money to give away to help. Thank them, not me. I'm not anything like that. I'm just one person. And I'm small, and I'm weak, and I'm not good enough to be thanked.

I don't know. I don't know. I just. Oh god, what do I do? There's too much going on. I want to look away from it all. I have a convention to attend today. How can I do that and play dress up and buy a cute charm when there's people's rights being taken away? Am I part of the problem from doing that?

I don't want to live if I can't do more to help. But i'm too scared to die.

[anonpolls]

tw: death, suicidal thoughts

Thanks, Anon!

-submit your poll!-

[havinganormalone]

I'm in such a weird place where a couple days ago I got dumped by the first person I felt actually cared about who I was as a person and was willing to help me when I needed it, and the reasons they gave was I was just less interesting and fun to be around then the partner I moved heaven and earth to move them in with after their nesting partner dumped them, and I genuinely was ready to kill myself because I have given up all hope of ever being loved or feeling safe, and was like thinking of plans and where to do it, and then this election happened and now I have decided I need to stick around because I am one of the few people in my local queer community with any sort of excess to give, even if it's small, and I need to be there for them and fight harder than I've fought for anything because they are so scared and they need whatever help they can get. And I spent the night in the company of fellow trans people, holding them while they sobbed and talking them down from suicide, and I was too drunk to drive home in the snow so I stayed with my friend, one of the community leaders, and we hugged and we promised each other that we were gonna step up and give what little we have to the people who need it most. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you feel alone, get connected. Check for local drag nights, check meetup and fb for queer events, make a grindr account for networking, or even get online if you live in an area without other queer people. Find community. We don't have much as a collective. We're poor. But by god, we have each other.

[electric-rabbits]

tw suicide mention

Its the beginning of "Setembro Amarelo" here in Brazil- "Yellow September" in English. It's a shitty ad campaign for psychiatric work disguised as promoting mental health awareness and suicide prevention, and people still buy it despite the fact that the number of suicides in the country hasn't lowered at all since it started- in fact, it grew.

It's easy to understand why. Setembro Amarelo focuses on motivational speeches and symbolic gestures about the supposed 'value of life'. Basically, professionals tell people "Your life matters! Talk to someone! Look for professional help!" (as I said, it's an ad campaign for psychologists and psychiatrists). But this work ignores two very important facts: first, that not everyone has access to this type of care, because it's expensive and has really long waiting lines. Second, because suicide isn't always about valuing life. You can value your life and still feel like the only way out is to kill yourself. And it's not about being mentally ill either- suicide isn't always pathological and we need to see it that way

Last year I skipped on a Setembro Amarelo speech and fully told my professor that I was about to head out and do something better with my time. While we were talking, she told me about a case she had just tended to that very same week. A mother called social services to say she was about to hang herself. She was angry and sad and desperate but definitely sound of mind, and reasoned very clearly when asked why: "My family is starving. I can't work. And we can't afford another mouth to feed". No speeches about how her life mattered would feed her children. No talks about the importance of talking to someone would pay her bills.

Now I'm doing an internship at a big office here in my town and we need to plan a Setembro Amarelo action. The workers at this place have no health insurance. They have no dental. They definitely have no access to mental health care in any way shape or form. The owners are a pretty oligarchic family of old white dudes who barely pay their employees, and the corporate culture is racist and homophobic. But they want us to talk about how their workers' lives matter. Not enough to be cared for, mind you, just enough to talk about it for a month.

Idk where I was going with this vent, but I just rewatched the video "Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth" on Philosophy Tube, where Abigail Thorne talks about the medicalization of suicide and bravely opens up about her own attempts to take her life, and it hit me how much this message needs to be spread. How we need to understand suicide instead of blindly trying to "prevent" it by medicalizing suicidal ideation and acting as if it's both an illness and a lack of self value. Your life does matter, and that's why we need to fight for systemic change so that you have the means, psychological and material, to keep it in your own terms.

[currentlyeatingrocks]

Maybe…

I should just try to kms and fail so somebody might actually care about me

Or I should just actually die