#tw discussion of past emotional abuse

[taeaura]

{Thomas} Hewitt Family Dynamic/Psychology Analysis

TW: Canon-related dynamics/activities, Incest, Rape/SA, Pedophilia, Abuse {Mental, Psychical, Emotional}, Discussions of mental health, extreme language, Usage of R!slur, War, Hoyt {Biggest warning of them all}

Yapping session again, I apologize {Wrote this whilst listening to Preacher's Daughter, GOATED ALBUM} Poorly edited, a bit more coherent than the last post 🩷

The family dynamic seems to be very..unconventional yet unsurprising. It’s a family of traumatized, traumatizing, enablers who’re struggling to survive both in spirit and in actuality. This post was intended to focus mainly on Thomas but I dove deep into Hoyt and the other family members as well because I feel they have such a big impact on Tommy:(

___

Thomas is obviously a very closed-off and introverted individual. His childhood was full of ridicule, cruelty, and abuse. His main father figure was and still is Hoyt - Charlie, but his biggest influence is his Momma, Luda Mae. I’ve seen multiple people paint Luda as a saint when in all actuality, she’s not. Although she may not be as malicious, she’s an enabler with intense family pride and protectiveness. Her automatic dislike of Erin is proof of this. She assumes Erin {and her friends, brother, boyfriend} are judgemental and arrogant ‘city-slickers’ who’re out to get Thomas. In all actuality, Erin never comments on Thomas’ looks besides her small conversation with Henrietta: “I couldn’t, I couldn’t look at him.” Even in this segment, she never says anything bad about Thomas except warning Henrietta and the Tea Lady {we’ll just call her ‘Kathy’ based on her actor} of his arrival. During this segment, we learn additional information about how the family views Thomas, as well as his general behavior. Dialogue from family members include:

“He knows better than to be messing around here…Poor Sweet boy--He’s no harm; Always keeps to himself.” - Henrietta, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003--1:02

“I know your kind--Nothing but cruelty and ridicule for my boy, all the time he was growing up. Does anybody care about me and my boy?” - Luda Mae, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003--1:06

“He ain’t retarded; He’s misunderstood.” - Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--16:30

“You don’t like playing with me anymore because I’m a pussy, that’s what you said. Well, my nephew Tommy ain’t no pussy; Maybe you’d like to play with him for a little while.” - Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--51:35

“You beautiful bastard, you!” {Honestly this entire scene could be used here} - Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--1:01:21 - 1:02:40

“Thomas, quit playing with your fucking dolls and get up here!..Hmm, I like your new face.” - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--1:06:15 - 1:06:35

“There you go, nice work, Tommy.” - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--1:09:55

“There’s a time when every boy becomes a man.” Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 2006--1:17:53

As you can see, most of the praise Thomas gets is from Hoyt. Honestly, reviewing Hoyt’s character on his own, this may seem surprising, but diving past face-value, this isn’t surprising at all. Hoyt is a sadistic, impulsive, traumatized veteran who very clearly values his family. I think both Thomas and Hoyt have the same thought{s}: “Family is all I’ve known, family is all I have consistently. Therefore, I need to protect it.” This is very apparent in Hoyt’s speech in The Beginning 2006: “Us... we're staying right here. The ashes of six generations of Hewitts have been tilled into the soil of this farm. We will never abandon the place of our birth. We're on our own now, people. And alone... we will rise above it all.” Both Hoyt and Thomas value family so much, and this is apparent in their immediate protection of them; As well as how violent they get once the family's safety is in jeopardy. The family also heavily depends on both of them, Thomas more than Hoyt. Luda Mae immediately calling out for Hoyt once Eric throws a brick through their window {48:25}, relying on Thomas to chase down Chrissie, ordering Thomas to ‘wrap things up’ after Monty’s amputation, Thomas being the main source of income prior to the meat plant shutting down, Hoyt Charlie being the one to protect Thomas from the original Sheriff Hoyt, the deleted scene where Charlie protects Thomas from malicious classmates, Thomas protecting Hoyt by killing the biker {1:01 - 1:03}. 

I’d also like to add; As someone with multiple military family members, the military changes you. War changes you. Considering Charlie is a POW, his trauma has to be so deep. {I’d like to make this clear: !!I’M NOT DEFENDING NOR SYMPATHISING WITH HOYT!!} His lust for violence, domination, control, and protection is most likely a combination of his personality, growing up dirt poor, his relationship with Luda Mae + other family members {which I’ll talk about below}, the war, and their current situation. He definitely gets defensive of his country, the military in general, the South, and his family. I.E: “Ain’t nothing I hate worse than a draft-dodging hippie protester.” - The Beginning 2006--40:30. He most likely has the same views on “City-slickers” as Luda Mae, just more extreme. In fact, I think it’s safe to assume the entire family has that view, maybe even Thomas. {Though his would be more protection-based as opposed to politically divided.} *cough-cough, Hoyt*

Going back to Thomas’ “father figures”, Monty and Hoyt were the only men in the house for Thomas to look up to. Hoyt was gone when Thomas was around 13, meaning during his very “experimental” years, he only had Monty to look up to. Both Monty and Hoyt are sexual deviants with no shame at all; Monty very openly gropes Erin in the 2003 remake whilst calling her a “Good girl.” {I almost turned off the movie, I kid you not} Whilst Hoyt very openly gropes Bailey multiple times, and even toys with Erin. It’s also heavily implied he raped Bailey {poor girl, this entire movie was so poor to her and Chrissie.} And whilst Luda Mae does get Hoyt to calm down with Erin, she still actively enables this behavior and completely ignores it. Now, I don’t think Thomas would replicate this {fingers crossed}; I’m sure Thomas has ‘urges’ but he has so much to do, such little extra energy, and a shit ton of {religious} trauma which would most likely coerce him away from sexual activity. He also very obviously wants praise. The more Hoyt praises and encourages Thomas, the more sadistic he gets. And yes, Thomas is sadistic. Sure he’s trying to survive, protect, and feed his family, but he also actively tortures his victims. I.E; skinning Eric’s arms, bathing Andy’s amputation in salt, ect. And I don’t wanna blame this on his ‘mental deterioration’, because that’s not it in my opinion. Thomas has crossed the threshold of  “I’m doing this to protect my family / because I’m forced to.’ No, he’s violent and angry. He’s so done with everything. He needs an outlet to take his anger from him, and the victims are practically begging him with how infuriating they can be. Also, wearing Kemper’s mask to catch Erin??? Jesus Christ, Thomas, that’s traumatizing. And he knows he’ll get away with it. The law enforcement is gone, Hoyt has done worse, Momma doesn’t seem to speak on it, why not continue? And I’m sure he feels powerful when he finally gets the chance to bite back. This is exactly the kind of manipulation Hoyt did to get Thomas fully on board with this killing-spree shit; “It’s one of those assholes who used to fuck with you in the schoolyard, Tommy!” - The Beginning 2006--1:01:40. This brings me to my next point - 

The family is immensely good at manipulation. Kinda by default, too. I know Southern hospitality can be viewed as passive aggressive and unnecessary depending on where you’re from, especially if you’re from up North; And I can’t disagree in some instances. Luda Mae is the MOST likely to use her ‘Southern hospitality’ as means of manipulation. Her little coo to Bailey about “We got to get you cleaned up, you don’t want to look dirty for company, do you?” at around 42:30 {Which by the way, was Marrietta Marich’s [Luda Mae’s actress] idea apparently.} It was not only a way to distract Bailey from the torture below them, but to indoctrinate herself into believing everything was fine. This was their life, and Charlie Hoyt knows what’s best, doesn’t he? I’m sure this was really difficult for her; Truly seeing who her son was and how the war affected him so deeply. Her seeming so closed off to Bailey and Chrissie at the community center was a result of the intense lifestyle change. Hoyt is EXTREMELY manipulative as well. I mean, he was a POW, you need a lot of skills in pattern recognition and psychology to survive such things. The way he speaks to everyone; Beginning slightly rational and neutral, only to quickly be angered and intimidated by his lack of power in the situation. This is especially prominent when he speaks to Morgan, Erin, and Pepper; But mostly Morgan. In the first movie, when the car breaks down and he tries to “calm Erin down” only to scold all of them for possession of drugs and such; Trying to convince Erin that Kemper killed the hitchhiker when he knew what really happened; Making Morgan reenact the scene whilst threatening him with an unloaded gun, pressuring him into “shooting” whilst taunting about how they’ll be “accomplices to murder.” Smashing the bottle in Morgan’s face when he says Hoyt can have the Skynyrd tickets. The way he kisses and rubs on Bailey during the dinner scene in The Beginning?? How he coos and taunts Erin once she wakes up from the poison?? He’s a master in manipulation and puts on a damn good show at that. Henrietta and the Tea Lady / Kathy are also extremely manipulative. When they force Erin to drink the tea, blame her for the baby crying, saying that she “looks tense” and “needs to relax”?? Yeah, this family is full of manipulative and emotionally abusive cycles. Anyway, back to how this affects Thomas.

Thomas was most definitely manipulated in multiple ways. I’m sure Luda Mae has manipulated him into ‘doing what's best for the family’ and all that bullshit. He definitely has some religious trauma and sure as hell has endured abuse of many kinds.

To tie this all together, I present to you: The Family Dynamic. 

I saw a post by I believe Scrapnick?{Their art is so so appealing} Anyway, someone had asked why Thomas and Hoyt are both “brothers and uncle/nephew.” They responded with something like: “Luda Mae most likely got assaulted by her father as a child.” Their post was more detailed than that but that was the main point. And honestly, I agree. At first I thought Hoyt was Luda Mae’s husband, and then I heard him refer to Thomas as his “nephew”, and then I heard him call Luda Mae “mama.” I went researching on wikis and such only to find results such as “he doesn’t view Thomas as a real brother, therefore he uses uncle/nephew.” Whilst this may be true, Hoyt and Luda Mae only have at MAX a 15 year difference. The actors {Marrietta Marich, R. Lee Ermey} only had a 14 year difference. Considering he also calls Monty his uncle, I think it's safe to assume Luda experienced assault from her father during her teens, resulting in pregnancy. Tying this back to religious trauma, I think this fact really upsets Hoyt. He loves his family, obviously, but I think the idea of him being ‘born of sin,’ I.E: Out of wedlock, incest, pedophilia; most likely affects him. I wonder if he ever thought “Well, I’m going to hell anyway, might as well sin.” I’m rambling right now, I apologize; Welcome to my blog {Yappville.}

Now, this dynamic obviously affected his relationship with Luda Mae. I doubt she loves him any less, but I think it was definitely difficult considering A.) Growing up religious; B.) Being such a young mother; And C.) Growing up and continuing to be excruciatingly poor. I think Hoyt gets a bit jealous of Thomas, surprisingly. He’s jealous of how much Luda Mae adores him; How he really gets to have a mother instead of a struggling sister/mother who was trying so hard to get by. Hoyt seems to have a closer {yet still distant} relationship to Monty than Thomas does. I think Monty is just a distant, miserable old man whose patience is low and tiredness is high. He’s worn out, especially after the amputation. The entire family is worn out; Slowly losing their grip on humanity with each passing day. The only consistent thing they have is each other, and yet still their relationships escape them. I think everyone, but especially Thomas {and Jedidiah, poor baby} just want a home to feel safe in. Really, just a stable income, stable food supply, and the ability to rest both physically and mentally. He wants to be able to have a purpose; To work again without needing to worry if his family will be okay. Being able to walk around the house without having to shut himself in the basement to avoid scoldings, demands, or endless calls. This entire family is really fucked up and in need of some rest, family therapy, maybe some physical therapy, and some damn prozac. 

Okay, yay!! You made it to the end; I apologize for the long post again, I get so into analyzing things and I couldn’t resist looking into the Hewitts. Tommy needs some prozac and some Southern cooking {He’s just like me fr}

Love you all, thank you so much for the support on the previous post 🫀

[oliversrarebooks]

The Rare Bookseller Part 78: Oliver's Awakening

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tw: aftermath of mind control, discussion of abuse

October 1925

Oliver writhed on the ground, his chest as tight as a drum and tears squeezing from his eyes, as all the fear and pain and shame that had been suppressed the past few months flooded him.

He'd been content, so content to give up his own life to become the servant of a vampire, hardly even struggling as he was taken and confined and ensorcelled. He'd enjoyed the vile feedings, looking forward to the vampire drinking away his blood, pleased to slump over in the vampire's arms as his life was drained, satisfied with the twin scars on his neck. He'd cheerfully allowed the vampire to pass him around like a party favor to his lover, to curl up around him as he slept, to dress him up in ball gowns and take him to vampire dens to show off…

But truly, it wasn't the shame that hurt the most -- that was just the easiest of his emotions to understand. No, the worst of it was the profound sense of emptiness. It was if Alexander's music had filled something within him he hadn't known was empty. It had given him a purpose, even if it was to follow the selfish whims of a monster, and now he was devoid. Knowing intellectually that it had never been a real purpose, just enslavement, didn't ease the sting of his heart.

Vivian crouched down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Oliver, I know it's a lot to process. It might take days or weeks --"

"You don't know!" Oliver wrenched backwards to get away from her, furious. "You don't know what you just took. You can't!"

"I know it must hurt --"

"If you knew it would hurt like this, then why did you do it against my wishes?" Oliver demanded.

"Oliver!" Emily was standing nearby. "She was just trying to help. It's not fair to yell at her like that."

"It's not fair that I feel like this!"

"Leave him alone," said Vivian. "Let him scream at me if he wants. He's coming out of a much deeper enthrallment than you were in, Emily. It won't be easy."

"That's not true," she said indignantly. "I could barely talk, couldn't remember my past, wasn't even literate any more."

"Yes, and that's relatively easy for a vampire to do. What's been done to Oliver is far more precise and insidious, to keep him so intact on the surface while bending his desires and loyalties completely."

"Do you mind talking about me as though I'm not even here?" Oliver hated how angry he was, how he couldn't control the harshness of his voice. He was never angry, never so much as raised his voice at a difficult customer, not before he was captured. Even then, his anger had been weak, easily plucked out of his head by that damned Miss Lily. He felt sick to think of himself drowsing in her company, letting her rummage through his very mind, throw out anything she didn't like, and replacing his truth with a pretty painted facade.

"I'm sorry," said Vivian. "I know you're upset with me, but this is important. Can you still feel the connection with your former master?"

"No. It's been severed. I can't hear him anymore."

"That's good. With a vampire that powerful, it's likely that your connection is actually only weakened, not entirely destroyed. He may try to enter your head again, draw you under his sway."

Oliver nodded, ashamed that a part of him hoped he would, that Alexander's music would dull the pain. No, he would have to resist somehow. He couldn't go through all of this heartache for no reason, to go merrily skipping back into the arms of a vampire. Vivian's magic had stripped away the illusion, revealed the monster behind the handsome face.

"I'll try to resist," said Oliver shakily.

"Good, that's good. If you hear his voice, you need to tell me immediately, all right? I can help protect you, or wash out his influence again if we need to," she said. "It's my fault for not killing him when I had the chance. I was a coward. And now I'll have to plan to go after him again, before he hunts me down."

"Don't kill him!" Oliver's fervor surprised even him.

"Oliver, you'll never be safe until I do."

"I know that, but -- I don't want him to die. Maybe I should want him to die, maybe I'm still under his spell, but I can't bring myself to want him to die," he said, not understanding why he felt so strongly about this when he knew Alexander's true nature.

"He took you from your bookshop, remember?" said Emily. "The whole time we were in those cages -- at least, before Lily warped our minds -- that's all you could talk about, was your bookshop and how you had to return there. Don't you want to?"

His bookshop, and the tiny apartment above. His little safe haven, where he'd spent his entire life. The antique books locked behind the counter, the sagging shelves of the history section, the ratty armchair with the throw blankets that might still be waiting for him.

"I can't go back there," he said. "Alexander was one of my customers. He'd find me easily."

"That's why I have to kill him," said Vivian.

Mounting horror dawned on Oliver. "But even if you did kill him, it wouldn't do any good, because his sire would find out and hunt us both down. I'm sure of it."

"His sire? A vampire that powerful, and he's still beholden to his sire?"

"He's a terrifying vampire." The fear, which had been acute before, was now so much more sharp without Alexander's soothing influence. He could remember the feel of harsh fangs in his neck all too well, the panic of being unable to open his eyes. "Far more terrifying than Alexander could ever be. Alexander once told me that if we ever tried to escape him, he'd hunt us both down and make sport of it, and I believe him."

"It can't be…" Vivian muttered. "Tell me more about him, your former master's sire."

As much as Oliver didn't care to recall those memories, Vivian might actually be able to help. "I'll tell you whatever information I have. I'd be happy to see him die, and Alexander would, too. I don't know his real name, but they all call him the Maestro --"

"You've met him?" She gripped his shoulders like a madwoman. "You've actually met the Maestro?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You've heard of him?"

"He took my mother. He's the vampire I need to kill more than any other. You must tell me everything you know about him."

"I'm sorry about your mother," he said. "I can tell you everything I've learned about him, if you agree that you won't kill Alexander."

"Even if I were convinced you truly meant that and it wasn't just residual conditioning, I couldn't agree to that. Alexander is likely to come after me for taking you, and if he does, I need to be able to defend myself."

"I suppose that's true," said Oliver reluctantly. He didn't want to admit to himself that it would be ideal if Vivian were to kill the Maestro but spare Alexander, so that he would have the option of returning to the vampire without the threat of his sire hanging over their heads.

No, he must still be under the spell. He shouldn't return to Alexander under any circumstances, not if he wanted to keep a free thought in his head.

"You need to tell me," Vivian insisted. "Revenge on the Maestro is one of the main reasons I became a hunter in the first place. It wasn't just my mother who suffered. He's killed at least twenty hunters, and he's believed to have kidnapped a number of musicians and stage performers. He needs to be stopped."

"He does." Oliver sighed, feeling that tiny bit of leverage slip. "All right. I'll tell you what I know."

He tried to recall everything he could for Vivian's sake -- everything Lex had told him, and especially recounting his own experiences with the cruel vampire. Emily sat nearby, her eyes going wide with horror as Oliver described his blinding and the painful feeding. Vivian, on the other hand, was absorbing all of Oliver's words carefully.

"So when he controlled you -- was there any sort of induction he had to perform? Any conditions he had to meet?"

"I don't think so, or at least I don't remember any. Alexander didn't mention any either. He was able to puppet my body as easily as if I were a toy, and there didn't seem to be any way to resist it."

"Hm. That's going to be trouble," said Vivian, deep in thought. "And when he stopped you from opening your eyes again -- how long did it take for that enthrallment to wear off?"

"It didn't. The next day, Alexander took me to Miss -- to another vampire's home, one that specializes in hypnotizing humans, and she reversed the Maestro's command."

"A specialist in hypnotizing humans? Lily?"

"You know her too?"

"Yes, I'm aware of her."

"Are you going to kill her, too?"

"I really should, considering how many people's minds she's destroyed -- or are you going to defend her as well?"

"…No." Truthfully, he felt more conflicted about it than he should, given that Vivian was objectively correct. How many human minds had she stolen? How many lives had she cut short, selling innocent people off to vampires with nothing more than glee about her profits? She was the one who had twisted his mind, and all those feelings of comfort and warmth as he slept in her chair were nothing more than lies to keep him docile.

"So do have any idea where the Maestro lives?"

"No, I'm sorry. Those are the only two times I encountered him, and Alexander never mentioned where he lives, from what I can recall."

Vivian sighed. "It's a pity. But even so, you've given me far more information than I had yesterday, and I'm grateful for it."

"You know… both you and Alexander want the Maestro dead. Could you ever consider working together?" asked Oliver.

"Working with a vampire?"

"Only this one specific time, only to kill an even worse vampire!"

"I can't do that," said Vivian. "Even if we do have the same goal. Fighting a vampire as formidable as the Maestro would leave me vulnerable, and I can't trust that this Alexander wouldn't simply enthrall me afterwards. In fact, he'd be stupid not to, lest I kill him."

Oliver wanted to protest that Alexander wouldn't do that… except that Alexander might actually do that. After all, he had no qualms at all about buying a human at auction, even a human he previously knew as an equal. Why would he hesitate to enthrall a hunter?

"Come on," said Vivian, helping him off the floor. "We can talk more about this later. You've been through a lot tonight, and need more time to shake off the spell you've been under. We have a room that you can use, but I'm going to have to lock you in, and keep you under surveillance for now, at least until we're sure that your vampire isn't going to try and push himself into your head again."

"Fine," he said, accepting that Vivian didn't trust him. He didn't even trust himself. "Why can he still do that, if you've undone the enthrallment?"

"There's a psychic connection established when a vampire drinks your blood. It's not quite the same thing as enthrallment, and it can be very strong. It fades in days or weeks, but until then, you'll still be vulnerable to the vampire's influence."

"I see." He wondered if that applied to any vampire which had fed from him. If it did, that meant -- "But the Maestro, he…"

"Yes," she said grimly. "Has he ever entered your mind before, when he's not there in person?"

"I don't think so. I hope not."

"I hope not either. I'm not prepared to fight him just yet. If you sense anything, you need to tell me right away."

"Yes, of course."

Vivian led Oliver out of the attic and into a room little bigger than a closet, with a cot and a small chest of drawers. "You should get some rest," she said, herding Oliver inside. "You'll feel better once you have. Is there anything you need?"

"A glass of water, please?" asked Oliver, sitting on the edge of the cot. "And if you have any interesting books…"

"Certainly. I'll see what I can do."

Oliver waited patiently for Vivian to return with the water and a couple of old magazines. As soon as she left the room and he heard the lock click shut, he fell back onto the bed, knowing that he wouldn't even be able to concentrate on reading, not with all the thoughts crowding his head.

He was free.

Wasn't he?

It was terribly hard to feel free when he was locked into a small room, the threat of his vampiric master and his sire still hanging over his head like an executioner's axe. The confinement was for his own safety, and he understood the reasons, but he wouldn't actually be free until both Alexander and the Maestro had ceased to walk the earth.

He was frustrated with himself. He shouldn't care so much about the well-being of a vampire who had literally purchased him at auction. And yet…

Now that the initial shock and fear had worn off, he was finding himself gripped by a deep and profound sadness. The cot he lay on was hard and cold, and he couldn't suppress his longing for his bed at home -- no, Alexander's bed. It wasn't ever his. He'd been hypnotized to share it, to cuddle up with a monster.

He'd been hypnotized into affection.

And it was really the only affection he'd had since he was a child, wasn't it? He'd lived such a solitary and quiet life, spending almost every night alone in his small apartment with books for company. Even the simple pleasure of curling up to read next to someone else had been foreign to him until he came into Alexander's possession.

And it had all been a fabrication meant to keep him compliant, hadn't it? He shouldn't miss it. He should be glad to be rid of it.

But the thought of returning to his solitary life, of never experiencing actual tenderness, was crushing him inside. He'd been starving for so many years, but it had been bearable when he didn't know what he was missing. Now that he knew that his choice was between actual loneliness and false companionship, he could only be ashamed at the parts of himself which preferred the lie.

No, he had to press on somehow. He couldn't return himself to a monster, no matter how charming. He should be happy to be freed. He could have his own life back. He could sleep during the night and wake during the day, and walk in the sunshine, and choose to go wherever he pleased.

He could take what little money he had stashed in his bookshop and take a train out of town, or a boat overseas, see the new places that he dreamed about but never got around to visiting. He could start his life over, do something else with it. Live a fuller life in the here and now rather than wait in his lonely little bookshop, wait for something to happen to him. Something had happened to him, and it should have taught him a lesson about choosing what he wants before it's chosen for him.

It was exhilarating. But…

For all his newly gained freedom, he still had no idea what he actually wanted. The desire for fangs in his neck was fake, but at least it was a clear desire. What did he want before, apart from books and safety? And who was he now, now that he knew the dangerous world of the supernatural lurked just behind every streetlamp, just waiting to pull him into it?

Previous > Masterlist > Next

Next week: Oliver is not as free as he might have hoped.

I'll also have a Christmas-adjacent self-indulgent vampire story up tomorrow, so please keep an eye out! And vote in the holiday edition of Sedation Vending Machine!

Thanks for reading this story another year, and happy holidays!

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[thewhumpcaretaker]

I need Santino x John for my soul to heal

More hurt/comfort with them because YES, something I had in mind... what do you think? 👀

Santino got hurt but it like brought him a flashback of his childhood of how his father hurt him in a very similar way. So, not only he has a panic attack, but he cries. Like actually he is experiencing this on such an emotional level that he can't even process anything that's happening around him. And John tries to talk to him, wanting to hold him but he can clearly see Santino is just... not here with him. And he feels so bad, and all he can do is make soothing noises and kiss his forehead trying to get him to snap back out of it and to calm down. Plus Santino is hurt, he has to try and help him with that too :(

WOAH okay, more childhood trauma for Santino, I feel so bad for putting him through stuff like this but, John is here for him 😭

Aaaaaaaaa I liked this ask so much I wrote it immediately. Can you tell I like it when Santino is totally broken hahaaaa...and put back together again by John 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

This is about to be really dark and sad!!

TW: panic attack, crying, concussion, vomiting, discussion of past physical and emotional abuse by a parent

●・○・●・○・●

The sky was a slate gray expanse over the empty dirt lot where John Wick and his husband were locked in battle with a group of Tarasovs. They were mid-fight when John looked over to see Santino pinned face down. The man on top of him, much bigger and stronger than Santino, had his hand on the back of his head and was deliberately smashing his face into the ground. He brought it up and then down again, hard, and rubbed his nose right into the dirt and rocks so he almost couldn't breathe. It wasn't the most painful position - certainly not more so than being shot or stabbed, which Santino had dealt with before. But it looked fucking humiliating, and he made a sound that told John he had to do something immediately. Not the normal grunts of battle, but something desperate and high pitched. John saw red.

Enough messing around. He snapped the neck of the woman he was wrestling and charged him, knocking him off Santino's back and giving him two swift shots to the chest, point blank, then one straight into the skull. John slowly straightened up, panting, and glanced around at the bodies fallen on all sides. That was the last of them, and he was dead for sure. Good riddance.

Santino was still on the ground. He'd curled his legs up under him and was doubled over, his eyes hidden behind his curls. He was rocking back and forth and just…sobbing. Panicking, yes, but far worse than usual. Taking huge, heaving gasps of air with his hands clutching at his chest like he was having a heart attack.

"Hey, hey, hey!" John dropped to his knees next to him and rested an arm around his shoulders. "He's dead. You're safe." But he barely responded. He was really rattled this time, almost hysterical. "You've gotta calm down, love. Breathe."

His answer was barely directed at John. He just seemed far away, gasping out words to no one in particular. "No…lo so…io…no no no no per favore… [No…I know…I…no no no no please…]" If he said anything else, it was incoherent with sobbing.

John couldn't tell if it was from the dirt in his mouth or another wave of fear but he suddenly turned away and started vomiting.

"Shit! Santino! What's happening? How bad did he hurt you?" He rubbed his back. Why was this happening? Did he have organ damage?

As soon as he could talk, he snapped at John in response. "He didn't, okay!? I'm not hurt. I'm - " Santino shuddered violently and hid his head in his hands. Whatever was wrong, he really didn't want to say it.

John took no offense. He just pulled Santino's head into his lap, petting his hair and wiping dirt off his forehead before leaning down to plant kisses on it in the hope of consoling him. He was hurt, to some extend - there were cuts on his cheeks from being smashed against bits of gravel. But there was clearly more going on. "Take your time. I'm here. Whatever's wrong, I'll help you, okay?" But he just kept crying. "Was there…was there something about getting pushed into the ground like that…?"

Santino went very still and finally nodded, very slowly. The crying stopped, but John was pretty sure it was because he was holding his breath. After a minute, he exhaled and managed to talk, still gasping. "That was something - that my father used to do. When I was - very little. He'd shove my face - in the ground. And slam my head - " Tears cut him off again and he couldn't continue.

John squeezed his hand involuntarily, overcome with rage for a moment. "Fucking bastard," he muttered, almost too low to hear.

Santino gave a choked little laugh. That was the first thing that seemed to make him feel any better. "Yeah. Yeah, he is. It was just, you know. To make me feel like - dirt." His face twisted up again and he hid it in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm really losing it. I don't know why that hit me so hard…"

"No." John's voice was hard, protective. "Not your fault. I just want to help you feel better." John pulled him up into his arms, embracing him completely. "You're here with me, okay? You're safe. I won't ever let him hurt you again."

Santino's hands grabbed fistfuls of John's coat, overcome with indignance and shame. "I AM dirt. I'm worthless. All these years later and I still get pinned like that and can't fight back! And I made a mess…"

"You're NOT worthless. You're my wonderful husband. The best man I've ever known. You're so brave. It's not your fault other people have hurt you." John was crying too now, into his hair, just petting him and holding him. The compassion he felt was too deep to contain. "I'm so sorry. You should never have had to go through that."

It seemed to get through to him. His grip relaxed and he buried his head into John neck, sighing and sniffling. "I made you cry too…I'm sorry…"

Just, "No. No apologies. I love you."

"I love you too." After a long moment, he spoke again. "...John?"

"Yeah?"

"My head really hurts. I'm pretty sure...I have a concussion. I - I can tell what this feels like..."

John fought down more fury. He didn't miss the fact that Santino recognized the feeling. Had probably felt it before... He had to take a few deep breaths to calm the blind rage that was making him grip Santino almost too tightly. "We'll get you to a doctor, okay?"

"Thank you. I don't deserve you, John." He sounded miserable but at least the tears were starting to subside.

"You do." One day he would make him believe it.

[loser4loserswhok1ll]

Hi, saw you were looking for request I was thinking of asa Emory with an s/o just wanted to or out of nowhere called him ace (like a cute little nickname ) how do you think he would react ? I’m thinking he might shut it down or be like BITCH WHO?!

-❤️‍🔥

oh this is scrumptious.

[send requests guys !!]

written on my phone + not proofread lolsies

TW: kidnapping, reader experiencing stockholm syndrome, mentions of torture, some physical violence towards reader, implied necrophilia / dismemberment of corpses, abuse obviously

lets face it, youre his pet. you have been for quite some time too. first you were a specimen, a pretty beetle that asa liked to poke and prod and play with. overtime, your obedience and strength intrigued him. you quickly became his favorite. as asa's favorite, you were treated more like a pet, treated softer like a tarantula rather than a lesser weevil. this led to you being given a better home. a room higher in his hotel away from the others. your room was still barred, secured, and you were chained to it, but you had room to walk and things to do. he'd occasionally bring you books or puzzles or, if you were really good, coloring pages. one day, as you sat beside your bed, the many locks and chains on your door began to jingle and shift, a sign that your captor was entering. captor, lover, owner, whatever you chose to call him based on his niceness that day. as the door began to open, you scurry on your knees to the center of the room, beside the bed and not too close to the door, but in his line of sight. he walks in and closes the door behind him, the usual routine. once in front of you, he crouches, reaching a gloved hand out to gently pat your head. he never spoke, but sometimes he permitted you to. and right now, he gave you the nod you learned was that permission. you start slow, not speaking to fast or loud or too much, and when he listens as you speak, doing whatever it is hes doing around your room, you keep going. at some point in your soft and brainless barking, you called him ace. he stiffened, and you immediately felt your lungs punch themselves in. air left you and you stayed on your knees where you were, so still you could pass as a ststue. you only call him sir and master, youre aware of that. so when you called asa something new, something so close to his name, and something so out of line with what youve established, he had to take a moment to choose how to respond.

asa turned, slow and calculated. it send a painful shiver down your spine. you felt as small as you had nearly a year ago when he had caught you. or a year and a half... or.... god, you dont know how long. he stepped slowly towards you, those familiar boots making those familiar thuds on the carpeted hotel floor. you sat, trembling, breath coming in shallow heaves as you tried to control yourself. he crouched and you stared at the floor. he didnt quite like that. the warmth of his hand would've felt like bliss had it not been covered in latex and holding your chin so tightly. he forced you to look up at him, and a low purr started in his throat. its never made sense, the purring. hes human, you think anyways, and he never purrs when youd expect it. the purring is white noise as his grip on your chin tightens. it aches your jaw, starts a dull headache almost immediately. after a few excruciating moments of anticipation for more, he throws your head to the floor and stands. without any more discussion or suffering, asa walks past you without so much as a glance. the door sounds, and yoh recognize the sound of the open and shut then the multiple locks being put back into place.

the room is silent now, as hes left to go play with another pet, and you feel your body go limp on the carpet floor. the mixture of exhaustion from the fear and the trembling from anticipation leaves your muscles throbbing with an ache youve become all too familiar with. once youve pushed down your emotions enough, once youve decided to be a good dog again, you lay at the foot of the bed on the floor and wait. and wait. and wait. you dont know what time it is, whether its day or night, how long its been. as you lay, stomach growling with hunger and body shaking with the sake anxiety youve become accustomed to feeling every moment of every day, you think back to your slip up. its walking on glass with asa, and you never know what you can and cant do or how he'll react. this time, the nickname was the issue, that was obvious. the less obvious thing was the lack of punishment. no needles or knives or chemicals or roaches or staples or rope. he just left. maybe he was building something, something that will make needles and knives look like lollipops and crayons.

as you ponder this possibility, an indefinite amount of time passes. one hour, then two, then three, then... you dont even know. you didnt know from the beginning to be fair, you were just guessing and hoping. as that time passes, you start to hear the click of the locks when they arent there. you start to hear the thud of his boots and hope that when you lift your head from the dirty carpet, your eyes will be met with the leather of them. but that doesnt happen, and it pains you that it doesnt. it takes a long time, a long time of missing asa and curling in on yourself before you realize what this is. this is the punishment. the leaving you alone. the isolation. the hope for something thats not coming. the wishing for asa to appear. this is what his punishment is. and it makes you start to miss the needles and the knives and the ropes and the roaches, because at least he was there. and at least you knew when and what would happen. you would hurt, you would suffer and you knew that. but here, in this cold room, in this silence, you had no clue what would happen to you. would he come back? would he wait a little longer? was he going to let you die here?

luckily for you, he only left you in there for 3 days longer alone. asa was calculated and controlled, but he missed the way his favorite pet behaved at times. so as much as he would have loved to let you rot in there, use your corpse for other various methods, he knew you needed to live for this all to continue. so once the time had passed and he had fed you and you begged him to stay, it was the usual routine until you fucked up again.

[fangsandfracturedhearts]

Fangs and Fractured Hearts

Chapter 13: The Fallacy of Power

Summary: After embracing eternity as a vampire spawn under Astarion's wing, the Crimson Palace becomes a haunting symbol of the man he once was. As his personality unravels into a dark abyss, you flee. A year of hardship unveils the harsh reality of existence as a vampire spawn.

Just as all hope seems lost, a twist of fate reunites you with Astarion, revealing a glimmer of hope amidst the shadows. As you navigate the complexities of your relationship, you must confront the unsettling truth behind the Rite of Profane Ascension and the devilish secrets it holds.

In a race against time, you embark on a daring quest to save Astarion from his descent into darkness. With each choice you make, the stakes grow higher, testing the limits of your courage and determination.

Will Astarion find redemption, or is he destined to succumb to his own inner turmoil?

Word Count: 6.5k

Pairing: Ascended Astarion x female!Tav Spawn

Warnings: [Will try to continue to add more, but in general expect explicit content for mature audiences]

Possible spoilers. Eventual Explicit Content. Slow Burn. Thoughts of Suicide. Violence. Blood. Injury. Mature Content. Self-Harm. Mentions of in-game content. Completely fabricated camp events. Mentions of Astarion's Trauma.

If you notice a very critical tag missing, please don't hesitate to let me know

Rating: Explicit 18+ - [Meant For Mature Audience]

TW: Astarion's past abuse under Cazador is mentioned/visited in this chapter.

She has been cold and withdrawn since their discussion when he refused to say what she wanted to hear. She avoids him if possible and ignores him unless he directly speaks to her. When she walks around the manor, she is like a phantom gliding, lifeless and vacant, the ghost of a ship long ago wrecked at sea that still wanders the waters wayward with no purpose. So far, he’s left her alone in her misery. Should he be trying to cheer her up? His heart tells him he should, but his head tells him it’s unbecoming of the Vampire Ascendant to postulate himself in such a way. He should not have to seek her attention. She should give it to him willingly. If she wishes to wallow in her desolation, so be it.

He’s missed her in their bed, against his skin, and on his lips. Her silence is as deep as demise and simultaneously deafening. He misses her laughter, happy giggles, and his name on her tongue in her sweet, musical voice. Hells, he would even take a scolding from her right now as long as she’s speaking and more expressive than this wall of dysphoria. He will take anything but this pale apparition of surrender and hopelessness. He’s tried to goad her into arguments if only to get a rise from her, but she does as he requests without question, challenge, or emotion.

She wants a real relationship, but what does that mean to him? What kind of relationship is he capable of giving her? That presence in his head bids him to control, claim, and make her belong to him with or without her consent. It encourages him to give the command to make it so. The Vampire Ascendant does not request love - he simply fucking takes it because he is entitled to it. He is entitled to have anything and everything he wants, including her.

No.

There his thoughts go again, getting away from him, towing him down like quicksand. He must be careful not to let himself be cast down that ungodly rabbit hole. He may not get the chance to surface. Astarion’s hands rack over his face and through his hair. He needs the physical sensation that often interrupts the slow descent into madness.

Astarion. He reminds himself. I am Astarion.

She does not acknowledge his presence when he enters the library. Her sullen eyes are moored to the book lying in her lap, and she flips the pages idly. She did not even bother to light any of the candles, scones or oil lamps. She sits in the shadows like a lone lily, white and fair, against a pond reflecting dusk.

He clears his throat to get her attention, “I need you to attend my business meeting with me today. It may put you in a position where you are… uncomfortable, but I will be there to protect and stop you if needed.”

She closes the book, staring straight vacantly, not bothering to look at him. Her voice is as whisper quiet as a catatonic echo, “You’re taking me to a business meeting?”

“Yes,” he replies softly, making his voice as warm as a summer day as if he could warm her with it. “I need my consort by my side.”

“I am not your consort, Astarion,” she shakes her head with a despondent expression. She is so cold it makes him shiver. He’s used to flames veritably leaping off her tongue when she speaks. This... He has never witnessed this in her, but he recognizes it. This is how he was when he all but gave up after a few lashings, “I will go with you if you need me, but I am not your consort.”

Please, don’t give up on me... just yet.

“If you do not like the word consort, that is fine,” he crouches and takes her hand. It remains limp, and she still does not look at him. Astarion gently cradles her cheek and walks her eyes to him. They seem to look through him instead of at him, and his heart seizes in his chest. “Tell me what you would prefer. Partner? Girlfriend? Soulmate? Bride? Hells, wife? Just tell me what you want me to say. Please.”

The words scour his tongue like steel wool. Can his spawn truly be his partner, girlfriend or… Good Gods, he said wife, didn’t he? Where in the Hells did that come from, and why does the notion fill him with genuine joy? Will he be able to see her as an equal? He is the Vampire Ascendant… No one is his equal, and no one could ever be. But he is also Astarion. Which him does he want to be? Does he even have a choice?

He stares at her, trying to discern how he views her. When he looks at her, does he see an equal? Or does he see his spawn, his puppet, his favourite little toy to play with? He views both versions in parallel spaces of his mind. He cannot ascertain which one is him and which is the Vampire Ascendant.

“Consort. Partner. Girlfriend. Soulmate. Bride. Wife,” she repeats hollowly as if she’s saying the words without thinking about them, just a recording being played back, “None of them because we are none of those.”

“Perhaps not yet,” he retorts with a plea clinging to his voice. “You said you want something real, and I agreed to try and give you just that. Let me try.”

“Are you capable of love,” she whispers, eyes drifting down to the floor.

“I… don’t know,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re view of what love is may differ from mine, but perhaps we can meet in the middle?”

“When do we leave?” She asks dryly and slips her hand out of his, “And what do I wear?”

“I had something made for you,” he smirks. “It’s in your room. Wear it or don’t. The choice is yours.”

“You’re giving me a choice?”

"Darling," he drawls in an unemotional infection, “I admittedly do not know much about relationships, but I don’t think forcing you to wear something would be very… nice. You are free to dress yourself in whatever you wish.”

“What if I decide I wish to wear a burlap sack?”

“Well…” he cringes. Gods. He would not put it past her doing just that to prove a point. Would he let her do that? Could he? His skin crawls just thinking about it. “You would look very foolish, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you.”

Hells below, he hopes she does not wear a sack.

Truthfully, he does want to control what she wears, where she goes, and even how she does her hair and makeup, but he does not understand why he is so drawn to it. He does not recall feeling the need to be so controlling when he was a spawn. He must quell those desires and untoward thoughts if he has any hope of showing her that he can be what she wants and needs.

Because he needs her…

He’s almost afraid to look when she walks down the hall, scared she’s going to see if he truly means what he said, but he’s elated to see she decided to wear the ensemble he had fashioned. An extravagant, high-necked navy-blue robe with delicate golden lace sleeves and a bodice embellished with dragon wings with gleaming rose-gold scales to match hers.

His coat is very close, except it is raven black, inlaid with deep purple and golden embroidered dragons revolving around his arms. His chest is embellished with dragon wings expanding across the breast.

“Dragons?” Her hand glides down the breast of his coat, “I thought you were fonder of bats.”

“It seems I have become rather smitten with dragons as of late,” he winks. He feigns puzzlement, bringing his finger to his lips, “I wonder why.”

She gives him some semblance of a smile. It’s the first time he’s seen any emotion in days. It fades quickly, and her face is once again a smooth plane of vacancy.

“What do you mean I will be uncomfortable?” She mutters, eyes fixed straight ahead as if looking at him pains her like staring directly at the sun. “You promised you would not put me in a situation I cannot handle.”

“And I won’t. You have my word.” He bows slightly, “There will be people around. If you need to leave, you say the word, and we will go. You know I could compel you not to feel that hunger…”

She scowls at him and hisses, “Do it, and I will walk out that door. I will not return.”

Well, even anger is better than emptiness.

“It is just an offer,” he nods curtly with his hands up. “I would not do it without your expressed permission. Shall we go?”

You follow Astarion, twisting down alleys and paths in the Lower City. You refuse to hold his hand and are attempting to use pure willpower to ignore all the tasty citizens scurrying about. They smell good, and it’s making your mouth water. No matter how much you eat, bloodlust is insatiable, unquenchable and never fully slumbers. There’s always this stitch in your side and a dryness to your throat that will not ebb. When you smell blood, you are immediately starved, and your stomach pinches in your belly. It could easily send you into hysterics. Astarion always keeps a close eye, sticking by your side and matching your pace instead of his usual elongated strides.

You recognize the alley with the guards and the secret door, “The guild?”

“The very one,” he nods with a cunning smirk.

“Lord Ancunin,” the guard bows low and stiff. “I see you have brought a guest.”

“Lady Ancunin,” Astarion drawls, confident and poised. If your heart was beating, it would surely have skipped beats and possibly stopped. “She is to be treated with the same respect as I. You are to follow her orders as you would follow mine. Is that clear?”

“So you command, so shall it be,” the guard bows low before you. “Lady Ancunin.”

You stare detached past the guard, barely noticing the reverent display before you. A welcome numbness has incorporated itself into your psyche. You felt so much, and now you feel nothing. You’re not sure which is worse.

“Come,” Astarion gestures to the stairs.

The Guildhall has been rebuilt with more extravagance. The walkways are now properly constructed and far less shabby looking with richly coloured wood. It is organized, not the haphazard mess you remember. There are so many hearts beating the chant of life. Their blood smells like Elysian fields teeming with ichor blossoms. Pressing your eyes shut, you try to tune out the thump, thump, thump assaulting your ears. You clutch Astarion’s hand and squeeze as hard as you can.

Yes, this will be a challenge.

Astarion senses your apprehension and squeezes your hand reassuringly, “We can leave whenever you want. I do not have to be here long.”

“You operate the Guild now?”

“Yes and no,” he grins, devilish and handsome enough to make you melt despite your discomfort. “Nine Fingers still handles the mundane day-to-day. You know I have never been a details person.”

“How did this come about?”

“Simple,” he smiles wolfish and sly. His eyes glint mischievously. “If you know the right people to coerce, anything can be taken. Grease a few palms here, blackmail some merchants there. You know how it is.”

“Coerce or kill?”

“Well, negotiations don’t always go as planned,” he chuckles with a cavalier shrug. “But I do not go around killing everyone, just those who need killing anyway. Gods. What do you think of me? I’ve been manipulating people for 200 years. This was hardly a challenge.”

“Ah, Lord Ancunin,” Nine Fingers strides up with a tight look as if she’s working hard not to frown. “How nice of you to bless us with your presence. I do not believe we have a meeting scheduled for today.”

“I’m here to make sure you’re running my,” Astarion accentuates the word with a low, threatening growl, “Guild befittingly. I received reports of your idiot pickpockets getting caught by the authorities and inconsistent yields. Do I need to appoint someone more suitable for such a role?”

“Lord Ancunin,” Nine Fingers snickers, and you wonder how he hasn’t killed this one yet. She was always snarky. “The pickpockets have been dealt with. They did not even make it to prison. As for the yields, I’m looking into it. You will not find anyone more proficient at running your guild than I.”

Astarion and Nine Fingers continue to talk business. Boring. You walk away, down the stairs and watch the people flitting about, ledgers in hand, counting shipments of what looks like silk from Cormyr and imported liquor. Others with clearly stolen pieces of art and other antiquities. The bottom of that cesspool pit has been cleaned up, and it appears new tunnels have been put in place, with more still being constructed.

You catch bits and pieces of a conversation between a short, rotund man in a burgundy coat speaking about a shipment being lost or damaged. Leaning on a railing, you watch the conversation play out with a shrewd eye for a while before you make your way over there. The closer you get to people, the harder it is to control yourself, but you’re getting better.

You sit close to the conversation so you can listen and watch. Nine Fingers sits beside you, “I remember you. Jaheria’s friend, right?” she gives you a scrutinizing once over and then her eyes finally settle on yours. “I remember you being much more… alive the last time you were here. The lords doing, I presume.”

“I wanted it,” you growl through your clenched jaw. “There is nothing further to discuss on it.”

“I’ve seen his little compulsion trick,” she says sourly. “It’s not a stretch to believe-“

You cut her off by grabbing her by the neck and pushing her up against a support beam. The rhythmical pulsing of her vein is felt on the pads of your fingers. Good Gods, you are tempted to take a nibble. Just a little sip...

No. You throw her away from you before you lose your precarious control.

“Watch your tongue,” you snarl, baring your teeth. “I am just as deadly as the lord.”

“Deadlier even.” Astarion chuckles, leaning close to your ear, “Are you okay?”

“I’m managing…” you whisper. Raising your voice, you point to the man, “Who is that?”

“A local merchant. He caters to the aristocracy.” Astarion arches a brow, “Why?”

“You were talking about inconsistent yields,” you watch the man circumspective, who now stares at you wide-eyed. “I think you will find he is the reason for some or all of your inconsistencies.” You sneer at the little fleshy liar, “Won’t we?"

“No,” Nine Fingers interjects. “That can’t be. He’s been working with the Guild for many years and is well-known and respected by the patriars. He’s an invaluable asset.”

“Silence!” Astarion orders brusquely, making her flinch. “Your superiors are having a discussion.” Astarion’s fingers come to his chin. “Go on, darling. How do you know?”

“His speech pattern is all over the place. He does not make direct eye contact. He’s fidgeting nervously. I can hear his heartbeat kick up from here every time he has to alter his story, and he’s sweating like a pig,” you smirk. You are good at this, and it feels natural. You give the man a grin as you virtually hear his heart sink, “You are a terrible liar. I think you’ve picked the wrong business.”

“Well,” Astarion cocks his head while watching the man as sweat rains down his face, “Let’s find out, shall we?” He points at the rotund traitor, “You. Come here.”

“Y-yes, Lord Ancunin.”

Astarion hauls the man into the air by his coat with an eerily cordial smile, “You’ve been stealing from me. Come clean now, and I will consider allowing you to keep your pathetic life.”

You expected to hear the anger in Astarion’s voice, but it’s matter-of-fact and impassive.

“My lord,” the man’s eyes widen, and his feet kick uselessly in the air. “I would never dream of it. Honest!”

Astarion’s eyes glow that wicked crimson of compulsion, and he brings the man close to his face, “You will tell me the truth. How long have you been stealing?”

The man’s eyes become glossy as the red tendrils of compulsion twist around him and into his mind. His body becomes limp. “I will tell the truth.” He repeats hollowly. “I have been skimming off the top for years. I misconstrue reported earnings and inventory, record shipments as lost or damaged and keep them for myself.”

The man continues spewing his transgressions, and you can see the rage start building in Astarion.

“That wasn’t so hard. Was it?” Astarion smiles manically. His eyes start to flash as he draws his dagger.

You put your hand on his shoulder, “Astarion…” You soothe and request the connection with his mind. You do not want to undermine him, but you need him to stay in control. He opens it, and you wince at the pain that splits through your head. It feels as if your skull has been cracked open. You push through it and roll your thoughts over the bridge, “His death will not gain you anything, Astarion. Hold onto yourself.”

His muscles strain under your fingers, and sweat starts to sheen his skin, but he answers in your thoughts, “His death would serve as a reminder to these insolent fucks that no one betrays the Vampire Ascendant and lives.”

“Astarion, please.”

“I am the Vampire Ascendant!” He bellows in your head so hard you wonder if your ears are bleeding, leaking your brain matter.

“Is that all you are? Is that your entire identity?”

He growls viciously aloud, snarling and turning his head to look at you with violence humming in his flickering eyes. With a pained grunt, Astarion throws the man on the ground and hisses, “Leave. If I ever see you in my city again, I will kill you and your family.”

Astarion whirls, taking your chin roughly in his fingers, bringing his mouth to yours, savage and hungry, with enough force to split and bruise your lips. You can hear that tittering in his head, straining against his control, trying to claim him. It bites like a serrated blade at your mind, and Astarion tries to close the connection to save you from that pain, but you rue against it.

“Don’t,” you think. “I can be your light. I can help you, but you have to let me.”

His fingers curl into your hair, and his tongue laps at the blood smeared across your lips, sucking on the cut gently. Your fingers caress the back of his neck. You’re not exactly sure how you do it, but as if on instinct, you flood Astarion with every iota of your love, light and fire into his psyche, upending the darkness and silencing his demons.

His body relaxes. His fingers no longer grip aggressively but embrace, and he breaks the kiss, resting his forehead on yours as he pants. As your senses return to you, so does the angelic chorus of beating hearts and the enticing smell of blood, and you clench your jaw as your stomach does cartwheels in your abdomen. Your fingernails incise your palm.

“I’ve got you, my treasure.” Astarion interlocks his fingers with yours to stop you. “Hold onto me.”

Astarion turns to Nine Fingers. She’s staring at you with a speculatively arched brow, “We will be taking our leave now. I expect to see improved totals on your subsequent report, or we will have a very unpleasant discussion, and if any more pickpockets get caught, you will not be calling yourself Nine Fingers any longer. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Lord Ancunin,” she nods curtly with a twisted mouth and narrowed eyes. “Do bring your spawn along more often. She is incredibly useful, it seems.”

Astarion roars, slamming Nine Fingers against a wooden column, splitting it. He bellows when he speaks, making sure everyone can hear him, “No one is to call her “spawn.” If I hear anyone utter that word in reference to her, I will hang them from the rafters by their intestines while they still draw breath.” Astarion looks around with a frightening scowl, verifying everyone is paying attention, “She is my right hand, and you will treat her with due respect. Any orders from her should be treated as if they are coming from me directly.”

“Astarion,” you whimper, scratching lacerations into the top of your hand to keep yourself grounded. “I need to go.”

He releases Nine Fingers, spins and grabs your hand. He keeps a tight hold on you until you’re back in the alley. He orders the guards to stand further away. You sprint to the dead end and grip a fence as hard as you can, taking in large gasps of air to try and quiet the bloodlust ravaging your mind, bullying you into mania. Astarion’s hands come to the rail on either side of you, caging you in with his chest pressed against your back.

“You did well in there,” he purrs. “Controlling the bloodlust.”

“You could have warned me that I would want to eat everyone with a beating heart,” you groan, leaning into him.

“I suppose I could have been a tad more forthcoming,” he chuckles, kissing the top of your head. “To be fair, I was a young spawn centuries ago. It’s not exactly fresh in my mind.”

“How did you learn to control it?” you sigh. You’re falling into him again, slipping into that blissful completeness that melts that icy numbness keeping you sane.

There’s a quiver of torment that dithers across the harmony. “Cazador…” he starts, spoken with a desolate undertone. He folds his arms around you, holding you close, and he trembles, “Cazador would starve me and then have people stand in the kennels while I was chained or caged. He would cut them, small at first, but gradually worse. They would get progressively closer. If I made a move or lost control in any way, I would be punished. Severely.” He pauses with a sigh, and his brows turn down at the sides. “I lost control a lot.”

By the Gods. You would not have been able to understand how torturous that would be without being a vampire yourself. Bloodlust hurts, a physical pain that progressively gets steadily worse until you are nothing but a writhing, rabid animal with no semblance of sentience.

“Astarion…” you turn to him, wrapping your arms around him. “That’s… Gods, there are no words. I’m so sorry.”

“Come,” he clears his throat, uncomfortable with the emotion as if he does not believe he deserves your empathy. “Let’s go home.”

“Thank you for telling me.” You murmur, hoping you’re not overstepping, “About… him. I know you don’t like to talk about it.”

“Partners talk about this type of stuff openly, yes?”

“I…” you balk at the question. It seems so out of character for him. You expected him to ignore you or scold you for bringing it up further. “I suppose they do, but-“

“Yes,” he cuts you off. “I know what we aren’t. You keep reminding me every chance you get. You requested real and real you shall have. I never wanted you to see that side of me.” Astarion sighs and looks at the setting sun reverently, his face softening, a glimpse of his former self, “Cazador is no longer an off-limits topic for you.”

What?

Can you trust him not to fly into a blind rage when you speak of his former self, the pathetic spawn he is so genuinely disgusted with? Perhaps this is not the time to test the limits of this newfound freedom.

“Lady Ancunin?” You quirk a brow at him. “That’s not my name.”

“Not as of yet, it’s not,” his arm wraps around your waist, and a smile flashes over his face like wintry sunshine. He whispers, “You bear my name beautifully, my love.”

Your eyelashes flutter open, and you’re shocked to be in the familiar halls of the Crimson Palace, but it does not appear as you remember it. Everything is washed in a drab sepia tone, and you blink, trying to clear your vision. The walls and floors appear to wave as if they are an illusion. Servants blink in and out of existence as they flit around. You try to walk in the way of them, waving your arms to get their attention, but they pay you no heed, blinking out and reappearing behind you.

A scream you would recognize anywhere reverberates through the ghostly halls, shrill and bone-chilling.

Astarion…

You sprint toward the sound, descending the dark staircase two or three steps at a time that appears to end in a black well of nothingness. You’re trying to grip the weave and call on your magic, but when you reach for it, you find nothing but a yawning void where it should be. Staring at your palm, you shake it, confused, as you burst into the hall leading to the spawn quarters. Another cry echoes. You forget about your lack of magic as horror grips your heart, and you sprint around the corner and halt dead in your tracks.

Astarion stands in the hallway. He’s hunched over with hands pressed against the doorframe as he stares distantly into the room before him - the kennels. He is the only thing in undulled, vivid colour. It’s a stark contrast to the atmosphere of mousy undertones.

“Astarion?”

He jolts, whirling and staring at you with a disoriented tangle of sorrow and perplexity. His jaw tightens, and his eyes shift quickly from side to side, “No,” he mutters, shaking his head, “No, this isn’t right. You would not have been here.”

“What’s going on?” You sputter, voice breaking. “I don’t understand.”

Another strident shriek. You are stirred into action, dashing down the hall at full speed. Astarion’s eyes widen as he gauges your target, and he takes long steps to cut you off. His arm wraps around your waist, hauling you backward from the open doorway.

“No, darling,” he coos, trying to swath his voice in velvet. “You don’t want to go in there. Please, trust me on this.”

“What?” You’re panicked, clawing at him, trying to push his arms away. “I can’t just stand here! Let me go!”

“You can’t help him… Me. You can’t help me.” Astarion rasps. His eyes are sad, but he tries to smile. “This is long over and done. It’s a memory - my memory.”

Anguished wailing reverberates, making the walls appear to shudder. You can’t take it, you can’t fucking take it, and you push out of Astarion’s arms and charge into the kennels.

The scene that greets you makes tears instantly flow down your cheeks, and you can’t help but dry heave as your stomach shoots into your throat.

“That’s right, my boy.” Cazador snickers, compulsion glowing in his eyes, tendrils stirring the air. “Sing those sweet, sweet cries for me.”

You try to grab Cazador, screaming in anguish, but your hand swishes straight through the apparition. Arms come around your waist, hauling you up and out of the room while you reach and clamber, trying to do something. Anything.

Astarion sets you down, folding his arms around you, “Shhh, little love,” he purrs. “It will be alright.”

“Astarion,” you sob, knees quaking. Astarion braces you against himself, “What in the Hells is happening?”

“I’m not entirely sure. We are tranced, in the manor, I think. This... it already happened long ago. So long, I cannot even recall the colours anymore.”

His thumb clears the rivulets of tears storming down your cheeks so sweetly, like the whisper of a fairy dream. His eyes, so intensely crimson, are doting, inviting you to get lost in them.

Another soul-crushing outcry discharges from the room, and you can’t help but scream with him. Astarion firmly but gently places his hands over your ears, trying to provide you amnesty from the howling cries.

You lean into him and beg, tugging on his clothes, “Make it stop, Astarion. Good Gods. Make it stop. Please. I can’t… I can’t… Wake us up.”

“I’m trying,” he breathes faintly, pressing harder on your ears as another jarring yowl rolls over you, and you start slipping to the floor in a puddle of sorrow.

Everything dissolves around you, turning black and silent, and you’re pitched into a bottomless void that makes your stomach lurch.

You thrash in your bed, convulsing so violently that you throw yourself to your hands and knees on the floor with a discordant shriek. Your bedsheets and clothes are soddened with sweat, the delicate fabric clinging to your body, and you tremble so turbulently that you can barely push yourself to your feet.

You blink rapidly, trying to see through the distortion caused by unshed tears. Your chest heaves in quick, rapid breaths as you sprint into the hallway. Astarion is already running toward you, and you slam into his arms as your legs give way.

“It’s okay,” he comforts you with a soft, deep baritone, a salve to your pain. “Everything is alright.”

Your mind sees that gruesome vision, a ghostly layer veiling the man before you. Your stomach twists and knots. Saliva floods your mouth. Pushing out of his hold, you scramble away as far as you can, and your liquid dinner is a sanguine spill spreading across the floor. Astarion holds your hair back and rubs your back as you continue to dry heave between your rapid breaths.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out between sobs.

“It is I who should be sorry,” he sits on the chaise, beckoning you into his arms. You curl up in his lap once the wave of nausea eases, desperate to be close to him. Astarion strokes your arm, “I left the connection open. I did not know you could get transported into my dreams. I will not make that mistake again.”

You look up, cupping his cheek in your palm and searching his eyes. That beautiful face is calm and carpeted with earnest affection but otherwise unfazed while he sweeps strands of your hair behind your ear, “Are you okay?”

“My sweet, sweet girl,” he kisses your palm. “I have relived many of my memories hundreds of times over. There are only a few that truly disturb me anymore. Thank you for asking, but I am fine.”

“Okay...” you breathe deeply, unsure if your mind can accept how undaunted he is. The last remnants of your weeping shudder through your body, “I’ll clean that up.”

Pushing yourself away from him is a monumental task. He is warm like sunshine and comforting like darkness. You hate him a little for being so… him.

“Will you come to bed?” Astarion looks at you longingly. “ Our bed, I mean.”

“No.”

“When are you going to stop punishing me?” He laments, following you while you grab a rag and bucket of soapy water from the rarely used kitchen.

“I’m not punishing you for anything, Astarion.”

“Bullshit.” He exclaims sourly. “Do not think me blind. You’ve been ignoring and avoiding me purposefully. I- I miss you.” Astarion’s arms fall limp at this side, “Tell me how to make it right.”

You hand Astarion a cup, “Break this.”

His brows pinch as he turns the cup over and over. He looks at you, confused, but throws it to the floor, shattering it. “What was the point of that?”

“Now, fix it.”

“I have many mind-blowing abilities,” he stares at the shattered pieces strewn across the floor, brows pinched. “Fixing broken goblets is not one of them.”

“Because not everything can be fixed."

You start wiping up your sick in the tense muteness between you and Astarion. He sits on the chaise, just watching with a grief-stricken expression that makes you want to weep.

“I can run up walls, walk upside down on ceilings, turn into a bat and mist, among other things. All this power…” A low laugh rumbles in his chest, crestfallen and mournful. “All this fucking power,” he clenches his fists, craning his head to look up at the ceiling, “and I still cannot have the one thing in the world I want most.” He sighs, shaking his head. Astarion cocks his head to look at you and smiles bleakly, “Sleep tight, my love.”

Astarion disappears into his room, and you bite your tongue to stifle your crying. After you’ve finished cleaning up and are back in your bed, you toss restlessly. How long will this harrowing purgatory go on? You take deep breaths, but it does not even begin to fill the void in your chest. You are fragmented without him in your head or against your skin. As if you’re soul has deformed, warped and splintered into a mangled husk.

This is why you’ve been avoiding Astarion. His words tear your heart open, dissect it, and then you must stitch yourself up anew. How many times can your chest be torn open and your heart ripped to pieces before the scarps are too small to glue back together?

I don’t care.

I don’t care.

I don’t care.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

In the hall, you jump at the sight of Astarion halfway up the long corridor. He halts, and you stare at each other in reticence. His hair is a disarrayed jumble of soft silver curls. The moonlight streaming in from the windows brilliantly sets the ivory skin of his bared chest aglow. His shoulders are slumped in a disconsolate stature you’re not used to seeing on him. The iron countenance and steely confidence he oozes are absent.

“Love,” he whispers wearily. “Lay with me tonight.” Astarion gestures toward himself, splaying his hand on his bare chest. Desperation clings to his voice, “Be with me. We can workshop the details as we go.”

“Tell me you love me,” you say, moon-eyed, lips quivering.

“I-I,” he pauses. Anticipation clenches your heart in your chest. Please, you think, please just fucking say it so we can stop playing this game. You think he just might until he grimaces. “I can’t.”

“No. Of course, you can’t,” you mewl. You wrap yourself in your comfortable cloak of numbness to preserve your sanity, “Because how could you love a lowly spawn like my good self?”

He does not answer, and that is answer enough.

You’re crouched low in a dark alley, skulking around in the shadows in the Lower City. Astarion went out to deal with some business you were not invited to, so you’ve taken the chance to survey the tavern you last saw that purple-haired bitch at - Elowyn. Your intuition tells you she has something to do with the Gur attacks, regardless of Astarion’s assurances that she’s harmless. The earth-shatteringly handsome man can be blinded by his overconfidence at times.

You’re not sure what Astarion will do if he gets home and you’re nowhere to be found, but you left him a note saying you went for a walk. He probably won’t tear the city apart looking for you. You’re not a caged bird. You can come and go as you please.

... Right?

You’re about to give up for the night when you see her. She glances out the tavern doors, askant, surveying her surroundings before pulling up her hood and slinking down the street. Elowyn takes an oddly winding route, up and down dark alleys and paths, often doubling back. She strolls confidently but takes acute notice of her surroundings. She is practiced and methodical in the way she observes. You should have eaten her when she cornered you with her singsong voice and dainty little face, spewing filth and lies. Maybe you should eat her now…

No, no. You can eat her after you figure out what she’s up to. You smile sadistically at the promise to yourself, licking your lips. You will eat her when you’ve ascertained how she means to harm your master.

Gods. Where did that thought come from?

Elowyn turns abruptly down a side street. Casting Misty Step, you appear on a roof, crouch at the edge and watch her intently. She walks up and down the pathway, looking in all directions except up, much to your delight.

Hardly anyone looks up.

She leans down and opens the entrance to the sewers, climbing down and replacing the cover. The sewers… You fucking hate the sewers. It’s the last place you want to follow her, but nothing can deter you.

This place is a maze of tunnels and run-offs. It’s an arduous task to track her with any degree of certainty. The rayless, glum passageways look similar, but you glimpse her here and there. Her course is consistent with the streets above as she makes arbitrary turns left and right, retracing her steps before continuing. It makes you question if she spotted you and is just taking you on a wild goose chase for shits and giggles, but it’s doubtful. There is purpose in Elowyn’s steps, even if you’re not quite able to understand it yet.

Elowyn steps onto the wooden platform, pulls the lever, and floats up the nauseating river of excrement and contamination. You recognize the area she is going to by smell alone. She’s heading into the lowest floors of the ruined temple under the Crimson Palace. You frown. You’ve been all through those lower, ravaged corridors.

You used to try and hide from Astarion down there, but he always found you. You shudder at the memories of playing some sick, twisted version of hide and seek, where the consequences were more dire than being tagged “it.”

What could be down there that’s of any interest to her? Does Astarion know? Is that where he set the Drow up to do her assessments? Unlikely. He would not want Araj that close to home.

There’s a barely perceptible shift in the atmosphere. The chilled air starts to warm unnaturally, embers floating around. Your skin prickles as the hair on the back of your neck and arms rises. You smell the smoky stench and pollution of sulphur crawling through the air. It stings your nostrils, twisting in the back of your nose and down your throat, choking you. A liquid black maw opens in the stone before your feet, and the inky, viscid silhouette emerges from the gaping orifice, taking shape and wings stretching with a boastful flare.

You jump backward, filling yourself with the Weave, heating your palms and skin with spells dancing on your fingertips and primed on your tongue.

“Darling,” a toothy grin greets you. “Now, now, Sorceress. Put those spells of yours to rest. Is that any way to greet an old friend?”

“Mizora.”  

Big thank you for everyone who takes the time to read/reblog/comment, and all the other magnificent things. As always, I hope you enjoy this, darlings!

AO3 [Crossposted]

Master List of Chapters: Fangs and Fractured Hearts

If you're interested I write another fic with Spawn Astarion x Tav called - Shadows of the Past

Small Notes:

It's never a good sign when Mizora shows up. We are getting into the thick of it now :)

[gremlinmodetweeker]

A Boy, A Twisted Memory and A Desire for Love

So this is the first official Ghost story on my blog. I know, I know, it's been a long time writing and I've not written something for the guy, but it's really just because I get so worried about writing him poorly.

I know he's a big military guy who hates having emotions and kills any and all kindness in his heart, but I also really like the idea of him exploring the concept of healing from his trauma? I dunno, I just thought about it.

Also, like König, I can't imagine Ghost keeping normal pets. Originally I had him get a spider, but then I read over his backstory again and it made more sense for him to get a venomous snake. I think it's a major step to overcoming his trauma. By the way! Big trigger warning, this is about a snake! This entire fic centres around a snake!

Anyways, I had some fun writing this but it made me super sad.

TW: Snake, discussion of past abuse, emotional trauma, child abuse (referenced), emotional disregulation

Wordcount: 1.7k

Art from This Post

Story Below the Cut

A Boy, A Twisted Memory and A Desire for Love

Simon locked eyes with the little black and yellow creature housed deep within its cave. It was a small thing, barely hatched from its egg it looked like. The length of a ruler at most. It was a light thing, covered in fine scales along its supple body. This thing was venomous, yes, but it couldn’t do any real damage. It was a threat maybe to a mouse, but a man such as himself wouldn't fall to such weak poison. Swelling, pain, nausea, yes. But death? Not quite.

And yet, his heart quickened within his chest. He could feel the sweat forming on his brow. It had been so long since he’d seen one of these beasts, and yet the same fear from back then wormed its way inside him now.

“Hungry?” Simon’s voice was particularly gravelly, roughened by sleep deprivation and lack of use.

The creature made no move. He’d be surprised if the thing even heard him. Did it even have ears? He’d have to ask the breeder later.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen one of yer kind before,” he admitted. He didn’t quite know why, but it felt somewhat soothing to speak to the thing.

“I killed the last one of ye that I saw. Crushed the fucker right under my boot, I did.”

It didn’t seem to scare the beast off. He wondered if it really was more afraid of him than he was of it. He hoped that was true. He didn’t want to admit that the fear still wriggled under his skin.

“He wasn’t anything like what my dad ‘ad,” Simon closed his eyes as the oppressive memories washed over him, “that one was a right bastard. Bigger than anything I’ve seen ever since. Shoved it right in my face, he did. Wouldn’t let me go till I kissed it right on the lips. If it bit me, I wouldn’t be standin’ ‘ere. But you,” Simon opened his eyes, dark eyes matching two glassy eyes of inky black, “you’re nothing. You're pathetic. You’re… You're so small.”

Simon turned back to the breeder.

Finally, the creature came to its senses and slithered back further into its burrow. So sleek and streamlined, and yet so slow to move. It was afraid of him, that Simon decided the moment he noticed that despite backing away, it didn’t dare look elsewhere.

“How much for this one?” he asked as he pointed at the plastic cube.

“That one?” the woman blinked and looked at what he was pointing at, “the female or the male?”

“The female,” Simon clarified.

“Oh she’s pretty, isn’t she?” the woman adjusted her glasses as she slid behind the plastic cube, “poor girl’s probably pretty scared being out here.” She didn’t mention how terrifying Simon was in his dark clothing, rough fabric stretched tight across his broad frame. He was used to scaring people by this point. Sometimes, like now, he wished he wasn’t.

“How do you pronounce that?” Simon pointed at the name that had been scrawled in blue ballpoint pen on a blank sticker.

“Boida dendrophila,” the woman replied, “she’s pretty young, but she’ll get big soon enough.”

“She’s one of them big ones, yeah?” Simon asked aloofly.

“You bet your arse,” the woman grinned, “she’ll be big soon enough. Don’t know much about ‘em?”

“Oh no,” Simon leaned down to take a better look at the little beast, “I’ve been doing my reading.”

“You got a big enough enclosure for her?” the woman quizzed him.

“Sure do,” Simon hummed, “I built her an enclosure myself. It’s nearly as tall as me, long too. Got some nice branches for her to climb and all that..”

“Wow that’s a lot of space. You sure that’s not too much?” the woman frowned.

“She won’t be in there for a bit, I’ve got something for while she’s small,” Simon reasoned.

What a stupid question.

“Oh well that’s fine,” the woman broke out into another smile, “but yeah she’s eating mostly baby mice, an adult once in a while. You know she’ll be eating bigger things when she’s full grown, right? You can handle that?”

“I think I’ll be quite alright,” Simon mused, “have to admit, she’s a right beauty.”

“She really is, isn’t she?” the woman gushed, “I’ve been raising her since she was just hatched. But now? Well, normally I sell them off a bit sooner, but she grew on me. Unfortunately, the husband isn’t too fond of her and wants her to be moved on.”

“Why’s that?” Simon looked at the woman from behind his sunglasses.

“Oh he got bit when she was the length of a pencil,” the woman laughed, “he’s held it against her ever since!”

“Heard her kind can get pretty feisty,” Simon commented as he looked back at the spider.

“They can get a bit aggressive, I won't lie to you. A bit territorial, too,” the woman explained carefully so as not to scare off the only interested customer she had all weekend.

“Real fast,” Simon continued on, “with nasty bites.”

“Sounds like you’ve done your reading,” the woman laughed uncomfortably.

“Course,” Simon refrained from rolling his eyes, “so how much is she? The sticker’s ripped.”

“She’s on sale, actually,” the woman grinned, “only a couple hundred quid.”

“That much, eh?” Simon straightened up to tower over the slender woman.

“Normally she could be anywhere up to four hundred,” the woman fought back against the subtle threat of intimidation.

“Well then,” Simon looked down at the cube, “looks like I got a good deal then.”

“You won’t go stompin’ on her, will you?” the woman furrowed her brows.

“No ma’am, that was just what I had to do when I went out to the Middle East,” Simon chuckled humorlessly, “I wouldn’t dream of hurtin’ this here little lady.”

The woman grinned as she counted her bills, Simon smiled just slightly as he picked up the container and brought it back to his car.

When he got home, he carefully moved the little creature into the glass enclosure of dirt, leaf litter and cork bark. He put it back in its place on his shelf and smiled.

“Dendrophila, eh?” he chuckled, “how ‘bout Ophelia? That’s a cute lil name for ya.”

The creature only burrowed away under the cork bark, eager to get out of sight of the frightening giant before her. He didn’t blame the little thing, he’d be terrified of himself if he was a younger man.

Once, he’d hardened himself into an unstoppable thing, a monster of a man. He had formed his shell through cruel lashings the world had lavished upon him. He took ablutions in raining blood. He was festering sickness or silver sin. He was what he despised in the world, the monster he tried to protect his own family from. When his brothers in arms welcomed each other warmly, they regarded him as a feral dog to be kept at a distance, chained in the backyard, out in the rain.

In Simon’s heart there was no room for love. He was not a man forged in kindness and love. He was the unfortunate son of Mr. Riley, cursed from birth to be raised in the muck and mire of human atrocities. He had been calloused by the time he was nine, and by the time he joined the military even the recruiting officers were afraid of him. He was too cruel, too strict, too much for anyone to handle. He could brute-force his way through life, but only for so long.

Even monsters had hearts. This was the unfortunate fact that Simon had learned far too late in life. He hated himself for how he wallowed in his loneliness. He thought his team would be enough, but there was a despicable part that still resided deep within him. He could offer his rotten sort of love to his teammates, but he could never care for them like he needed to. There was a part of him that had been stunted since childhood, and far too late it breached his skin to scream into his ears, begging him to please just notice me, notice me and don't let me die here inside of you.

He didn’t want to, but he spoke to a therapist. It was Price's advice after he'd broken down with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a revolver in the other. Price promised to never say a word as he unwound his lieutenant's fingers from the trigger.

A week later he'd arrived at a small office. They’d been cowed by him at first. Everyone was, but something about frightening the one person he wanted to be helped by hurt a part of Simon he wished to rip from his chest. Once he would have laughed, but in that office, he could only hurt. No tears fell, but his walls did and he was able to speak openly for the first time in his entire life without the help of a bottle of jack and a pair of dice. It felt wrong. He hated it, but he learned.

His therapist told him that to help rid himself of this festering parasite of an emotion, he should try to nurture the damned thing. Simon had laughed in the man’s face. He then told him to go to Hell. The man had learned not to flinch in the face of a predator, and so pushed forth. He said that to grow, Simon could try getting a cat or a dog. Something he could raise with the love he never had been given as a boy.

He said that he needed something to love or else he'd never be able to heal. Simon scoffed and left the room, but not before booking another appointment. The smug look on his therapist’s face disgusted him. He turned quickly and left.

So maybe it was out of spite that he bought Ophelia, but there was a part of him that felt like he needed the little creature. He needed something to love, and so he did. He loved the Ophelia with all his heart. He nurtured her and cared for her as best he could.

Months passed, and he started to handle Ophelia. She hissed, she scurried away, she did everything to get away from Simon’s touch. He figured that if he had to face himself, he’d do much the same. He wasn’t a creature born of love and compassion. He was death, in face and in heart, but each time he brought Ohpelia’s container out and changed her water, when she ate from his tongs, he could feel his rotten heart beating within his chest. It made him smile despite himself.

He was not a creature of love, and yet it was love he felt when Ophelia tentatively reached out and slithered up his hand. When he raised her up, ever so gently, he couldn’t help but cry.

How cruel was the world that a boy, born from street gutters and raised by heavy hands, would only ever feel love for the first time in a dingy London flat on his thirty-first birthday, alone save for the venomous snake in his hands?

Stories

Ghost Dump

[etheriadearie]

🍋 Citrus explained 🍊

Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!

Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!

So, what's Citrus?

Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.

Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.

Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.

And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!

::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc

For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!

The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.

So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:

Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?

What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?

What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?

If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️

Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.

This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.

This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.

It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.

A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.

Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!

Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.

That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.

:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.

Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.

Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.

The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.

That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.

So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”

As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.

What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.

This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.

That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.

Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.

After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.

In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.

Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.

Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.

This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…

Sisterly Love, and what that's really about

This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.

But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.

This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.

Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.

What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.

Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.

I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.

So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.

Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.

What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.

We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.

…So they end up fighting again.

To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.

After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.

Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.

And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”

Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.

But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?

The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.

You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.

Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.

Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.

Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.

Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.

That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss

Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.

Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.

When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.

We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.

Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.

Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.

Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.

The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.

All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.

But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.

Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.

An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.

As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.

Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.

As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.

Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.

Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.

Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.

And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.

Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.

Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.

After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.

Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.

Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.

Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.

Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.

Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.

As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.

The Matsuri arc

Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.

Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.

She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.

Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.

We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.

What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.

Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.

We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.

Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.

Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?

This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.

Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.

Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”

It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.

Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.

In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.

The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?

Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."

So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.

Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.

After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.

Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.

So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.

If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.

For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.

Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.

Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋

Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?

Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.

I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?

Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.

Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”

This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.

I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.

This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.

The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.

She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.

Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.

That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.

It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”

We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.

Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.

She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.

The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.

How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.

Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.

Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.

But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.

But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.

Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.

So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.

And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.

That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.

Conclusion

And that's all, right? Easy peasy…

Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.

But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.

Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.

Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.

Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.

It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.

In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.

The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.

But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.

Thanks for reading.

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I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!

-EtheriaDearie

[hamliet]

thoughts on how oshi no ko has portrayed what happened to hikaru (thus far) and any ideas for what his motives/role in the story is?

Honestly? I think it's doing a pretty good job of portraying it. TW for discussions of childhood sexual abuse below.

When it's first introduced to us that Hikaru was raped by the adult actress, Aqua doesn't have much reaction. On an intellectual level, he gets it, but on an emotional level in terms of what this means for Hikaru, for his development and for his pain, he doesn't get it at all. It's only when we get to Akane's expressed horror ("that's sick!") that we get an actual reaction.

The previous chapter was honestly acting and a flashback as it actually happened, and I appreciated that they showed it as violent.

That's something so often missing from stories of older women who rape younger boys (see Mary Kay Letourneau). It's not a love story. He's not lucky. It's violence.

Like, I spoke about this with a friend after the chapter, but the wiki literally says he was "implied to have been raped." Implied? He was ELEVEN.

I don't think the wiki writers are intentionally being obtuse or dismissive, but there is a subconscious way in which a lot of the world, across cultures, reacts to female predators of young boys in a way that is incongruent with how we react to men who prey on young girls. And to be fair, the latter is a far more prevalent issue but still.

So anyways, I was grateful the final panel of the flashback showed Hikaru being dragged, violently, away from a girl his own age whom he likes by an older woman who won't even introduce his son as his son. Anything Hikaru has, he cannot have.

I've written about Hikaru before, but yeah, he's a scary serial killer at this point who is likely going to target Ruby and/or Kana. He's a final antagonist, obviously, and his past abuses don't excuse him. He's somewhat modeled after Lucifer, and not the Hazbin Hotel version.

But I don't think Aqua's final challenge is stopping Hikaru.

Aqua playing Hikaru in these scenes is challenging him to do what playing Ai has provoked Ruby to do: to empathize and further understand their parents. But, the problem is that Aqua can relate to Hikaru's anger and hatred already.

Again, as I wrote previously, Aqua already is very much like Hikaru (albeit at a far earlier stage): trying to reenact and kill the perceived causes of his trauma and not able to see that he's not going to be happy with such an ending because you can't kill your way to peace.

What Aqua actually needs to do is to come to understand Ai. Ruby, imo, is the one who will come to understand Hikaru, and probably forgive him (not excuse, but this is very likely where it's going).

Ai seemed to, after all. She reached out to Hikaru's proxy (the stalker) and definitely recognized the white roses and knew who had sent him.

Yet she still reached out to her stalker as a human being and empathized with him after he had stabbed her.

If it had been Hikaru standing there himself, she would have done the same.

And lest we think this is solely an example of her toxic wanting-to-please-people trait taking control, this was also the moment--the only moment in Ai's life--where she was finally able to express herself without a lie. It can be both an indictment of the entertainment industry prioritizing pleasing others over your own life and pain and Ai's moment of triumph even amidst tragedy.

Hence again why Aqua's challenge is to understand his mother, not to kill his father as justice for her. He needs to recognize her love for him as her son. She wanted him to live. She wanted him to love. She didn't want him to obsess over her in death.

Ruby, on the other hand, needs to understand Hikaru... and Aqua. Thus far, while she's had the best growth of everyone in this entire series, she is still idolizing Sensei and Aqua thereby.

She needs to see him as a person just as Aqua needs to see Ai as a person. Seeing Hikaru's anger and pain and seeing Aqua's go hand in hand for Ruby (again, not a coincidence Aqua is playing young Hikaru in the movie).

As for where Hikaru goes from there, I don't know. He might end his own life like the stalker proxy did, but I think the fact that that's already happened makes it less likely. He might find new life even if like, in prison, or he might die sacrificing himself for his kids. It's too early to make those exact predictions... but I think Ruby understanding him and empathizing is key.

[gaypastabake]

Edge Rebella (W.Wolf AU)

[WARNING: gore, implied non-sexual nudity, discussions of PTSD and child abuse, past the first image]

[This is important because Tumblr wouldnt display this post in tags because I initially put TW's in the tags of this post]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Edge Rebella, 26

-Last name taken from the sick ass name the German translation for sparks of hope gave her

-A werewolf

-Was born in Milan but taken into captivity by Cursa for most of her life, like many werewolf children before her. Was freed when Cursa was taken to prison. Left for Beacon Beach when she was old enough

-Goes to therapy for the physical and psychological abuse she suffered at the hands of Cursa. Her therapist is also currently the only person who knows that she is a werewolf, and also helps her with her feelings of being a danger to others because of her curse

-Transforming into a werewolf is extremely stressful, painful and disorientating. Your eyes struggle to focus on any one thing, the stress of the process aswell as a sudden rush of violent animal instincts often manifests itself into violent thrashing from those affected from lycanthrope. Werewolves are easily startled by foreign objects and bright lights coming into view, loud noises and moving figures, and not knowing where they are, causing them to become violent in terror. Often times the werewolf wont remember much of the night prior. Edge struggles with those sensory issues in human form aswell- she doesn't cope well with flashing lights and shrill, sudden loud noises- and is absolutely terrified of large, dark empty spaces from when Cursa would lock her away as punishment.

-Her muscular physique, sharp teeth and hair covering most of her body are from her being a werewolf. Also because she works out and prefers not to shave

-Suffers from extreme muscle pain and emotional fatigue after returning to human form, please give her a heat-pad and a massage and look after her, she needs the comfort :(

-The choker she wears is both fashionable and for comfort, she enjoys the feeling of compression around her neck because it makes her feel like shes in a more controlled environment

-She enjoys chewing things as a sensory stim, and would often take those free offcuts they have at hardware stores just to chew on them, as it alleviates the pain she gets in her jaws which comes with being a werewolf, that and mmmm cronchy

-Edge probably also has autism, even though she swears that her sensory issues and stims come from her being a werewolf

-Not used to being so close to other people because of her own insecurities with her being a werewolf and not being socialised as a child

-Works a day-job as a guard/bouncer inside of a bar because of her intimidating presence and overall tough physique. The reason she doesnt work the night shift is because its difficult to explain to your boss why you cant turn up every night theres a full moon

-Lives in a campervan because its easier to drive herself to a secluded area to transform then potentially wreak havoc upon an apartment complex

-Likes Beacon Beach because of the long-held superstition around werewolves in the woods, she figures that people would be wary around going into the woods during the full moon so to minimise the risk of hurting someone

-A bit nervous around receiving fuss and attention, but when warmed up to someone she adores receiving affection, and would definitely love to cuddle with you

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Currently midway through chapter 2 of the fic, planning on dropping them soon once im done info dumping. also im currently sick rn

[3-2-whump]

Julio’s Reverie

<prev next>

TW/CW: blunt discussions about OCs' sex lives, one teeny tiny death threat, emotional angst. But don't let the TW scare you, this is mostly fluff!

Julio had been with many men and women throughout his twenty-six years of life, especially in the five years he has been boss of Juicio Divino, but everyone assumed he would be just as much a boss in the sheets as he was on the streets. And sure, mediocre sex was better than no sex –probably, he guessed –but of all the bedmates he’d had, none of them could scratch his itch –no, his desire– for total submission, to just let go of the mask and be himself for a few vulnerable, blissful minutes. No one had been able to scratch that itch since Izzy Bautista (may that bastard rest in peace.) And over the past five years, Julio had begun to accept that maybe nobody ever could. 

Then, Khaled came, and Julio finally found someone who could fulfill that long-neglected desire.

The young man was basically a virgin, despite how frequently and brutally he’d been abused over the years; he hardly knew what his own desires were, much less how to satisfy them or his partner’s. In the beginning, Julio had to guide him a bit –as much as Khaled would comfortably allow him to, that is –until they could establish a rhythm and truly make some music together. But once they hit their stride, well… Julio wasn’t much for clichés, but fuck it, what he and Khaled had was magical.

“You’re not going easy on me now just so I’ll go easy on you later, are you?” Khaled asked with a cocky grin as he dodged a hit from his left.

He completely missed the sharp jab to his right side and doubled over in pain. Julio smirked. “What part of this looks like I’m going easy on you, bro? Nah, you’re actually getting good!” The block and dodge Khaled executed to counter his next attack only served to emphasize his point.

It became a little routine, eventually. Fight, then fuck, fight, then fuck. Fuck, then learn one more tragic little thing about his lover that fractured Julio’s breaking heart. Fuck, then spoon, Julio behind him because he learned Khaled didn’t like to look at him when he told him his secrets. Fight, then fuck, then cuddle, then send him on his way, as if nothing had ever happened, as if the gnawing guilt didn’t chew at his guts every time he sent him back to the one responsible for all those scars and bruises.

So, while Khaled was with him, he became a bit protective of the boy. Well, a little more than a bit, considering he nearly gutted Crackhead Juan for grabbing Khaled’s arm the other day.

“Hands off my bitch,” he growled, knife gleaming, lips curled downward into a snarl. “I will not ask you again!”

“Excuse me?” Khaled piped up.

With Crackhead Juan quickly scared away, all Julio had to deal with was an insulted boyfriend. He explained he had a reputation to uphold, that he didn’t mean it, and that Khaled could have the most epic apology blow job he could give if he was still unconvinced. Khaled took him up on that apology blowjob and came twice down Julio’s throat as they defiled the backseat of a client’s Rover. Since then, Julio openly flaunted his claim over the Costa Mafia’s fuck hole to whomever would be looking, but only the two of them knew what happened behind closed doors. And one of them still wanted more.

“I still can’t believe we’re carrying on like this, man,” Julio drawled. The half-unlocked handcuffs dangled from his wrist as he raised his hand to light a cigarette between his teeth.

“There’s nothing wrong with carrying on ‘like this’,” Khaled shrugged, propping himself onto one elbow as he reclined on his side on the bed. The rest of Juicio Divino had asked –no, begged –their boss to have sex anywhere but in the garage or within earshot of the rest of the gang, which meant the two had to get a bit creative with locations the last couple of trysts. A seedy hotel? Classic.

“Fight, then fuck, fight, then fuck –I’m having a great time, aren’t you?”

“But don’t you want more than this?” Julio asked genuinely. “Sometimes, do you ever…want more…for us?” 

Khaled’s blush matched Julio’s, yet the younger man could not meet his eyes. “No,” he lied.

“Say it like you believe it, and maybe I’ll believe it too,” Julio scoffed, a puff of smoke escaping from his mouth. He sighed and set the cigarette down on the ashtray. “I don’t know what I’ve got to do to get Costa to release his hold on you-,”

“Short of prying me from his cold dead hands,” Khaled muttered.

“-but there must be something I can do, right?” he asked, gazing sincerely into those soft brown eyes.

Khaled’s eyes met his for only a moment before they shifted down to the crisp hotel sheets.

“Please, Khal, cariño, tell me how I can make you mine for real! If I gotta die for you, I’ll die for you, If I gotta kill for you, just tell me who I gotta kill, and if I gotta buy you from him myself, just tell me how much-”

Khaled ceased his rambling by gripping his stubbled face in both hands and melding their lips in a kiss. Julio froze, but started reciprocating his partner’s advances. Khaled wrestled him back onto the mattress and kissed down his neck and chest, pausing to look down at him. “The best thing you can do for me right now is to make the most out of the half hour of rental time we have left. Now, lay back and look pretty, beanpole,” he whispered.Julio opened his mouth as if he were about to say more, but the metallic click of the other cuff locking around his free wrist and binding his hands to the headboard signaled the end of the conversation. He ultimately shut up and gave Khaled exactly what he wanted. He would always give him exactly what he wanted.

Le Tag List: @kabie-whump @rainydaywhump @whumped-by-glitter @skittles-the-whumpee @generic-whumperz @bamber344 @there-will-always-be-blood

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please write up a BG3 headcanon request involving Halsin, Wyll, Astarion and Gale? How would they react to/take care of their Tav who has an alcohol or drug addiction?

A/N: Aw, man, do I feel this ask. Sometimes I like to joke that I come from a long line of alcoholics, because, well, I do. But it’s usually me trying to put some levity into serious family discussions. I don’t think a lot of people understand that addiction is a physiological illness: it’s a full-body response, not a case of “mind over matter” as some people like to say. There’s such a stigma and it sucks because research shows that when we respond kindly, and not with punishment or ostracization, that’s when addicts have a higher chance of recovery. So know that while I am no expert on addiction, I did try my best to be respectful and accurate. I hope you enjoy! 

TW: Addiction, Alcoholism 

BG3 Male Companions Taking Care of Tav Who Battles Alcoholism/Addiction 

Astarion: 

In a way, Astarion is kind of an addict himself. He’s a vampire, spawn, or ascendant, he needs blood for energy. He can go for extended times without it, but those times have been tortuous and caused lasting mental and emotional damage. That eternal need hanging over his head coupled with the impact of Cazador’s abuse has permanently re-wired his brain. Astarion doesn’t react like the average elf, he can’t, not anymore. 

So when it comes to altered brain chemistry, Astarion’s certainly no stranger. Although his addiction lies more within the supernatural, he can use his own experience to relate to Tav’s more pedestrian affliction. 

Astarion won’t ever outright deny Tav something. If Tav asks for a drink or a drug, Asation won’t take it upon himself to literally hold Tav down as a means of keeping them from consuming it. Astarion knows that method won’t work in the long run, and would most likely only result in Tav resenting him, and he can’t have that. 

Astarion will make a face or two, however, his expression switches from concerned to slightly judgemental depending on the context. He wants Tav to be aware of his opinion, but he doesn't want to smother them. Tav’s not a child, Astarion isn’t responsible for them. 

Still, thanks to his concern, I do think Astarion would confront them about it. He’d need to speak to Tav to hear for himself precisely what's going on. If Tav is still in their denial phase, Astarion tries hard to get them out of it. There’s no use trying to help someone who refuses to acknowledge they have an issue. Astarion knows, so he understands the shame that comes with it. But he reminds Tav he did eventually come clean about being a vampire, and about his past with Cazador, so now it’s Tav’s turn to do the same. 

Once Tav is open about their struggles, Astarion makes a point to check in with them throughout the day. He’ll nonchalantly provide Tav with alternatives to drink: water or tea, things that aren’t ale, and wine. He’ll be subtle about it though. Astarion will never act as if he’s going out of his way to do Tav a favor. No, it’s not like that, he swears! It just so happens Gale was asking for tea and Astarion thought he’d go make him some seeing as how sad and pathetic the wizards had been acting over losing his goddess, and Astarion thought, well, perhaps Tav would like some as well. 

The most difficult part for Astarion is witnessing Tav endure withdrawal. It’s a horrible, painful process. If Astarion didn’t know any better, he’d say the whole thing looked a lot like being killed and then brought back from the dead. He still remembers the way his body ached and burned and hungered upon Cazador turning him into a vampire. It may have been two hundred years but nothing could ever make him forget that pain. It’s why Astarion wishes, more than anything, that he could alleviate such agony for Tav. 

If Astarion remains a spawn, there’s nothing he can do but hold Tav close, dab their forehead with a cool cloth, and whisper soft words of comfort into their ear. ‘You will be alright, darling. Even this will pass.’ 

If Astarion has become a vampire ascendant, however, he can make Tav a vampire, if that is something Tav chooses. This isn’t a magic fix, however. While there’s a possibility Tav may no longer have the addictions they did as a vampire that they did as a human, there’s no guarantee that hunger will not carry over. Should it carry over, Tav would then be forced to be content with those previous addictions in addition to their newfound bloodlust. It’s a risk. But even if there’s a small chance it could work, Astarion proposes the idea to Tav. Ascendant Astarion would still find it preferable for Tav to be an addict as a spawn, as it makes it incredibly easy for him to control Tav’s actions. Sure, they may still be addicted, but without Astarion’s permission, they can’t take what they want when they want. It would create tension and a fair degree of hostility between the two. But Astarion the Vampire Ascendent believes an angry, vampire-spawn Tav to be superior to a happy dead one. 

And of course, no matter whether he’s a spawn or ascended Astarion makes a point that despite Tav’s addiction, he’s not going anywhere. If Tav falls off the wagon again, or if they’re not ready to try and face their addiction right now, Astarion will remain at their side, waiting for the day they’re ready to try again. ‘I’m not going anywhere my love. I can promise you that.’ 

Gale: 

Gale’s first response, of course, is to try and determine a way to solve this problem via magical means. Now as a wizard, he doesn’t have access to the kinds of healing spells druids and clerics have. But, he does a fair amount of arcane knowledge about enchantments, and curses. And well, what is addiction if not a natural, biological enchantment? Gale considers himself fairly rounded on the subject of human biology as well, so Tav is in for a bit of an earful if and when they first admit their affliction to him. 

Gale may not have experience with the kinds of addiction Tav is, but thanks to his experiments with Weave, and now having been cursed with the orb, Gale knows the urgency of living under a constant ticking clock. If he cannot consume the magic from magical artifacts, if the orb is not sated with bits of the Weave on occasion, he risks blowing up everyone for miles. 

In some ways, this makes Gale’s “addiction” all the more dangerous. It doesn’t merely affect his own body and the relationships with his loved ones, but it jeopardizes almost every other living person within Baldur’s Gate. Of course, Gale would never say this. And while he may think such a self-pitying thought, he dare not share it with Tav. The last thing Gale wants to do is make Tav’s very real problem seem inconsequential because it most certainly is not!

Instead, Gale offers to commiserate with Tav on occasion, making sure to never bellyache the loudest. He wants it to be Tav’s time to vent, complain, scream- to just let it all out. He knows Tav is under an incredible amount of pressure as their leader, addiction or not. Gale wants Tav to trust him enough for the two of them to be vulnerable around each other. I mean Mystra above! The whole camp knows that Gale’s easily susceptible most of the time, so there’s absolutely no shame in Tav admitting they experience similarly at times. 

Gale will take it upon himself to concoct a special drink menu for Tav, all nonalcoholic of course. It’s elaborate and painstakingly organized. If Tav thought their sober options were few and far between before, they certainly won’t now! Gale is the camp’s resident cook, so he takes pride in being able to satisfy not only everyone’s needs but to please their tastes as well. Well, except for Astarion. Blood is not ever to be a feature on Gale's menu, thank you very much!

The part Gale has some trouble with is wrapping his head around someone as wonderful as Tav would ever want such a life for themselves. Gale thinks highly of Tav, sometimes too highly. In some instances, Gale cannot see the forest for the trees thanks to the pedestal he’s placed Tav on. In such scenarios, Tav may have to remind Gale that they’re only mortal. And that this affliction of theirs is no more a choice than Gale’s own need for magic. 

Once Gale is on the same page, he ceases the majority of his condemnation, instead opting to try and distract Tav from the overwhelming desires raging on inside them. He offers to show Tav the Weave once more, or perhaps, some other simple, rather pretty tricks. Rolan’s display of fireworks in Emerald Grove wasn’t a difficult spell, and certainly no challenge for Gale. But if many simple spells are what it takes to keep Tav’s mind occupied as they ride out their newfound prohibition, then so be it. 

If by some miracle, Gale does find a spell or enchantment to help alleviate some of Tav’s worse withdrawal symptoms or cravings, he will perform it enthusiastically should Tav want. And if Tav prefers to handle this the old-fashioned way, Gale will do his best to bite his tongue and respect Tav’s choices. ‘I just want things to be easier for you. Life is hard enough as it is with all this tadpole business running around. Whatever you ask of me, you shall get.’ 

Gale is a faithful partner. He doesn’t run at the first sign of trouble, not when’s committed himself to another person. Be it in friendship, or romance, relationships mean a great deal to him. He refuses to let Tav endure this hardship alone. ‘I do not say this lightly: you mean a great deal to me. No matter the toils, I will stay by your side.’ 

Wyll: 

Wyll, above all else, aims to be an honorable man. Despite his suffering, despite his shortcomings and misfortunes, he refuses to falter or fall. His deal with Mizora may have sullied his Father’s view of him and dampened Wyll’s view of himself, but it did not change how he desires to see himself. Wyll knows the kind of man he wants to be and he does everything within his power to act accordingly. 

For Wyll, addiction is a difficult subject. He’s very strong-willed, and because he spends so much time working hard to do what he believes is the right thing, he can look down on other people at times. He has sympathy for people dealing with such afflictions, but behind his care, a small part of him is disappointed. He believes in choosing to be good, to try harder. He thinks all mortals are capable of acting wiser. So while Wyll understands Tav endures such difficulties now, Wyll also firmly believes Tav will have conquered them in the future. 

This can put a fair amount of pressure on Tav’s shoulders. But it can also serve to inspire them. In either case, Tav would need to talk to Wyll about how they feel when it comes to Wyll’s encouragement. Wyll, being the supportive man he is, would never want to intentionally make Tav feel demoralized. So if there’s something in his behavior or in his words of motivation that he can change to make Tav feel less burdened, he will do so. 

Wyll, like Astarion, knows he cannot make himself responsible for Tav’s choices. So Wyll does not take the part of Tav’s keeper, but he does make an effort to be near Tav as they make their decision, offering his opinion should Tav ask. The more Wyll’s presence remains a constant in Tav’s life, the more Wyll hopes Tav will come to appreciate his perspective. If Tav knows Wyll isn’t going to leave or abandon them anytime soon, they may feel emboldened to make the necessary tougher decisions of turning down a drink or two. 

Wyll is more than happy to stay up chatting the nights the cravings just won’t go away. During days Tav’s irrepressible urge causes them to feel restless and manic, Wyll asks Tav to join him for a lesson in combat. After all, he’s not called the Blade of Frontiers for nothing. Sweating out the chemicals and forcing the body to flush all the drugs out of Tav’s system is a great way to sober up. And if the symptoms of withdrawal aren’t all-consuming, it also makes for a great distraction. 

However, during the periods everything is all just too much: the headaches, the nausea, the itchiness, and the sweating won’t stop, Wyll finds a shady spot in camp for the two of them to rest. And as Tav rides out such agonizing lows, Wyll tells stories of his time as a child living in Baldur’s Gate in soothing, hushed tones. His warm voice brings comfort, a much-needed contrast to the ailment Tav’s fighting. 

Wyll cares deeply for Tav. And he believes in Tav, even when Tav doesn’t believe in themselves. ‘You can resist this, you will resist this.’ 

Wyll has no intentions of going anywhere. Addiction or sobriety, he and Tav are a team. Wyll sees Tav as a great hero: he knows they can fight to save themselves. ‘You are the strongest person I know. Nevertheless, you do not have to shoulder this burden alone.’ 

Halsin: 

Halsin is the least likely to have any shared experience when it comes to dealing with addiction. He has fought off depression and hopelessness time and time again but he knows not of the pitfalls addiction brings. Having lived as long as he has, there’s no doubt he’s met those suffering from such afflictions. And being a druid, he may even have been consulted on how best to treat them. But that’s the end of Halsin’s experience. 

If Tav has an issue, any issue, Halsin is more than willing to help Tav navigate it. After all, Tav helped him save the shadowlands from their darkness. There is no ask too great, Halsin could never say no to aiding Tav with a favor. To Halsin, Tav is a savior: they saved Emerald Grove, they saved Thaniel’s realm, hell, Tav saved all of Baldur’s Gate. Halsin feels he owes them unimaginable thanks. So it pains him greatly to know Tav is suffering. 

Halsin offers to use his abilities to help Tav ease their obsessive mind, and the nagging hunger addiction brings. Of course, druid magic alone is not enough to stop the urge from manifesting and whispering in Tav’s ear. Halsin offers to accompany Tav around town, to sort of supervise them, in his way. He won’t force Tav to change any of their decisions but he keeps a watchful eye almost like a doting father as he places a supportive hand on Tav’s shoulder each time they walk past a bar or tavern. 

Halsin knows he cannot control Tav’s actions, but he can influence the choices they make together as a duo. So long as he is at Tav’s side, Halsin will let his wise opinion be known. 

In their time outside of the city, Halsin takes time to educate Tav on the different flora and fauna found in Faerun. When they come across a plant used to ferment alcohol, Halsin explains the history of the process. Yes, wine and ale are examples of making use of what nature provides, but as with all other things, even nature must be consumed in moderation. Mother Nature blesses everyone with the ability to enjoy such pleasures, but that gift can double as a curse. It is a test of our restraint and humility to know when and where to indulge. 

Speaking of indulgence, Haslin would not recommend swapping one appetite for another, but should Tav want to bide their time engaging in an alternative pleasure, Halsin would be more than happy to oblige. Physical activity and sweating would help relieve Tav’s body of some of the toxins built up within their system. In addition, such activity provides a temporary release of euphoria in the body and brain, which would help combat the pain and despondence that come with withdrawal. ‘If I can provide you with the least bit of comfort. It’s no hardship from me. Far from it.’ 

In the case Halsin leaves Tav for a time to settle the newly displaced within Thaniel's healed realm, he does what he can to ensure his new village is a place of continued healing and sobriety for Ta. Halsin privately enlightens all of the other adults within his new settlement about Tav’s condition. He asks them, respectfully, to refrain from providing Tav with any alcohol or other substances whenever Tav comes to visit. 

Halsin does all within his power to let Tav know they are not alone in their journey, and that no matter the setbacks along the way, he intends to bolster Tav through it all. ‘You are by far nature’s greatest gift to me. No matter the foe, be it the shadows or the dependency within your mind, could ever keep me from you.’ 

If You Enjoyed, Please Consider Tipping Me Via Kofi!

[insoukokuhell-434]

Chuuya Takes Care of Dazai Fics

Includes:

Emotional Hurt/Comfort (long term & immediate)

Physical Hurt/Comfort

The format I’m using is:

Title - writer (ao3 link) Fic length Time period (teen/mafia skk, 22! Skk, all ages) Additional tags (Tags in bold added by me for extra info) TW

Some fics have parts of the summary/ comments added for additional info

Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Long Term (multiple instances)

hey look, the sky's falling apart - saffroncassis    

24.8k TEEN SKK (16/17) AU - Canon Divergence Protective Nakahara Chuuya, Angst, Fluff, Humor, Developing Relationship Found Family (the Akutagawa siblings, Oda's kids, Kyouka, Oda, Ango) TW- Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse and discussions of both these, also cw food for the whole fic

Summary - "At age 16, Chuuya defects from the Port Mafia and drags his partner with him not so much kicking and screaming as silently begrudging, and the rest follow suit in time."

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

[Really realistic depiction of the relationship between a depressed person and their supportive partner!]

For the Record - zombiemarker

19.1k TEEN SKK  AU- Spies & Secret Agents + Physical Hurt/Comfort Nightmares, Childhood Trauma, they get all dressed up and go to a gala, Implied Sexual Content, Fluff & Angst, Literal sleeping together, Getting together, First kiss, Developing Relationship TW - Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma

From tags: "Chuuya's a government experiment, Dazai's been with Mori for years, they've both got trauma now"

Mostly Chuuya helping Dazai, but Dazai supports him too <33

A mouth to empty into - series by osamuchuu

Not listing all 4 fics cause this post is already so long, but they’re all amazing pls go read them!

The series depicts depression + CSA trauma so well!

This is my favourite -

Love is not a victory march - osamuchuu

8.7k 22 SKK Soukoku taking care of each other, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Addiction, Blood and Injury, Healing, Recovery, Soukoku Tenderness, Light Angst TW -  Dazai-Typical Suicide References and Attempts, Addiction, Drug Use

believe me darling, the stars were made for falling -communist_sasuke

14.6k ALL AGES Worried Chuuya, Love Confessions, Dazai is a Mess, Angst, Self-Harm , Fluff & Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon timeline, First Kiss, TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions , Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt

Trust Fall - insi 

3.5k ALL AGES (Dark Era, Post-Dark Era, 22 SKK) Emotional Constipation, Mental Health Issues, Dazai has issues TW - Implied/Referenced Suicide & Self-Harm, Suicidal ideation

From tags: Chuuya has met Dazai on the rooftop many times throughout knowing each other.

Immediate

Emotional H/C

Even the Darkness We're Watching Is So Beautiful - NastyaEx

4k 22 SKK (post-109) bsd 109, Fluff, Dazai Needs a Hug, Dazai is a Mess, exhausted dazai, dazai cries but only a little bit, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Soft skk, Dazai centered, yosano is a bit here and she's great

I'll Make A Home In Your Gut Because its Somewhere Warm to Sleep - arahabakii

8.9k 22 SKK Fluff, Angst, Mutual Pining, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Making Out, Getting Together, Domestic Fluff, Touch-Starved Dazai, Dazai needs a hug, Chuuya needs a hug TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

stay- neon_toad

4.6k 22 SKK (pm!skk flashbacks) Suffering Dazai, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai is Bad at Feelings, Oblivious Dazai Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hugs, birthday, Birthday Presents, soft skk TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide References

where are you? - doeinstinct

2.8k 22 SKK Depression, Disordered Eating, physical symptoms of depression, Mentions of past self harm, m because they shower together, canon adjacent, meal replacements, Love Confessions, They're In Love Your Honor

Run Away With Me - Anonymous

5.3k Dark Era Grief/Mourning, Dissociation, Suicidal Thoughts, Soft Soukoku, Dazai Needs a Hug , Dazai Has Feelings, Pining, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Chuuya Needs a Hug, Kissing, Dazai asks Chuuya to run away with him

stay the night - Shinkirou

3.6k 22 SKK Gen or Pre-Slash, Developing Relationship, Character Study, Sharing a Bed, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dazai's depression

Physical Hurt/Comfort

Fool for loyalty, or some other word - osamuchuu

1.7k Dark Era Aftermath of Torture, Blood and Injury Light Angst, chuuya deals with so much tbh, what a champ, Fluff and Angst, Pre-Relationship, Established Relationship, chuuya being Dazai's nurse because he absolutely was Dazai's angry nurse

under wraps - Coffeebiscuits

5k Post-Dark era + Emotional hurt comfort Love confessions, deep talks, Light angst, Fluff and angst, kissing, crushes, sharing a bed, Suicide, Self-Harm, Tending to Wounds TW - Dazai-Typical Suicide Mentions, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm 

From tags: “basically chuuya has to patch dazai upand they talk about some things they need to discuss”

Chuuya also gets some emotional comfort

EXHAUSTION

So if you go too far I'll be there - Kimisu

2.5k 22 SKK - Pre-Fyodor | Cannibalism Arc  No Plot/Plotless, Literal Sleeping Together, Some Fluff, Canon Timeline

From Summary: Based on a HC that Dazai spends days before every major arc planning and arranging the pieces in order for everything to 'work'. He also pushes his body limits a bit too far when doing that sometimes.

SICK FIC

Nothing More Important Than You - StormDew2

3k MAFIA SKK (15) Sickfic, Soft soukoku, Vulnerability

Please like/reblog if this helped u find a fic, I'd be delighted to know asjsj <3

“Dazai takes care of Chuuya” recs here

Fic rec masterlist here

[thewhumpcaretaker]

Well here I am ehehehe >:]

Santino having a breakdown and he breaks stuff around him, whatever he grabs and well accidentally hurt himself. John tries to calm him down and help him AGHH JOHN GET YOUR MAN HE IS HAVING A BREAKDOWN

Just get everything sharp or that can break away from him when he's like that, see what happens 😭

Hello hello! I’ve been thinking about this scenario all the time, ever since your asks for “Salt in the Wound” and “A Slap from a Saint”!! I made it really sad, like those fics.

🖤💙 The Boy in the Picture Frame 💙🖤

TW: panic attack, crying, accidental self-harm, blood, past physical and emotional abuse by a parent, discussion of disownment

John had spent all afternoon texting, in between pacing around his living room. He was trying to keep his lover talking - giving in to his flirting and doing anything possible to make him laugh. Santino was upset by a mistake he'd made the day before during negotiations with a Ruska Roma representative. The man had tricked him into boasting about the ferocity of his forces, revealing critical information about how security operated for the Camorra in New York. It was a rookie mistake, made because he was running on high emotions and little sleep, and Santino was taking it hard. It could mean punishment from the Camorra.

So, when John looked down at the screen and saw, "I'm sorry I just can't keep talking right now. Something came up, but don't worry," he froze.

Was it too much to call? Santino probably just wanted to be alone, and if that was the case, he'd be annoyed. But...well, better annoyed than hurt if things were really bad.

The shaky voice on the other end did nothing to encourage him. "John, please. I have someone on the other line. I just...he's really angry with me."

"Who? ...Your father?"

"I can't - I...." He switched to the other call again and was gone.

Suddenly, John found himself in his car and found that the speed limit was a mere suggestion.

They didn't live so far apart - Santino had chosen an apartment close to his boyfriend on purpose, and even gave him a second key. But by the time he burst through the door, it was already too late to stop Santino from getting hurt. John made his way through a trashed living room, stepping around overturned chairs and over glass from a broken picture frame, and calling Santino's name without any response.

He noticed, with a bittersweet twinge in his heart, that their photo together from Santino's birthday at the beach was the one thing that seemed untouched. Santino had chosen instead to destroy a family portrait, including both his parents, a young Gianna, and his own chubby face at four years old. Looking more closely, John noticed a smear of blood across the edge of the frame. He had torn out the picture, heedless of the jagged glass, and ripped the image in half...straight through little Santino.

A muffled, wounded sound in the bathroom distracted John from the horrible sympathy that was threatening to crush his ribcage. "Santino?" He ran to the bathroom door. It was unlocked and there, finally, was his lover - although the sight of him couldn't be called a relief. He was sitting on the ground against the wall with alarming red droplets glistening all around him and a messy bandage trailing from his hand. The only reason he wasn't actively sobbing seemed to be the shock of John's sudden entrance.

"What - John?"

John dropped to his side, not knowing what to say. He felt huge in that room, as if he might crush Santino further. His hands hovered over Santino's shoulders, wondering whether it was okay to touch him, before Santino just collapsed against his chest and started crying even harder.

"Thank you," he managed after a few minutes. "Thank you for coming. And look at the thanks you get in return... I got blood all over your shirt." He laughed hollowly.

"It's okay." John took his half-bandaged hand and felt him wince. "Sorry." He started unraveling the gauze. It was a pretty deep cut in Santino's palm, probably from grabbing carelessly at the broken picture frame. At least it didn't look bad enough to need stitches, but Santino was incredibly tense at every touch.

"You don't have to do that. I can do it myself."

"I know. But I don't want you to have to do that anymore." They'd talked about this - how it brought back bad memories for Santino to treat his wounds alone, as he'd had to do in childhood.

"I'm sorry, John. I was so stupid."

"No." That was all, a simple rejection of the very idea that any of this was Santino's fault. John didn't trust himself to say more without getting angry - not even remotely at Santino, but at all the people who had failed him throughout his life. He kissed the finished bandage and then looked up at Santino's anguished, watery eyes. "Do you have another copy of that picture?"

Santino hesitated. "It's on a flash drive. I think Gianna has it. But I don't want it anymore. I think..." He took a deep breath, on the verge of saying something crucial. "I think I'm not a part of my family anymore."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well...my father asked me to come back to Italy. He said I'm failing out here in New York, and he wants me to come back immediately. And I'm not doing that. Fuck him." He laughed, and it wasn't so hollow this time.

John couldn't help grinning. "Good."

"Good? That's all?" Another laugh. John could feel him getting stronger in his arms. More at ease. "You really never say anything, even at a time like this. I'm still getting used to it."

John thought for a moment. "No, it's not all. I want to know why you ripped through the picture of your own face instead of theirs."

He tensed up again. A long time passed before he spoke, but John had promised never to judge him. Always to listen. So, finally, he extended some trust. "I fucked everything up. I was broken from the start. I was weak. That's why he..."

Again, "No."

A mocking reply, dripping with stubborn, defensive sarcasm, "Yes." John could hear the wavering undertone. Really? Do you promise? Say it again.

"No. You were hurt. It's not on you. They lost you and not the other way around."

The reassurance was too much for Santino and he crumpled against John's chest again. For a while, John held him, listening to his sobs and to the dripping sink. In his rush to try to patch himself up, he must not have shut it off properly. He must have been struggling. John wove his fingers deeper into his hair, trying to massage self-love straight into his brain.

"Do you think Gianna will still talk to you?"

He huffed and pulled back again, tired but finally calm. "...Maybe. In secret. Who cares?"

"Well, I still want you to get a copy of that picture if you can."

"Why?"

"I want to cut out the little Santino and frame him by himself, for my mantlepiece. He was the good part. You are the good part. Not the rest of them."

[nico-esoterica]

Why these trendy gross men are predators (astro analysis)

tw: mentions of grooming!

Metroboomin, now exposed as an open and shameless child predator uncoincidentally has a whole Libra stellium that the SN is running through. And it's being activated via Drake's 3H that can be associated with inner-circle connections or (from an artist's perspective) having brief projects with. The SN in Libra during our current cycle is bringing issues of past harm done to victims to light. Another person this immediately affected months back is Jonathan Majors who has his Mercury and Venus in Libra.

Drake's placidus Sun crosses back into 3rd house. It also conjoins Pluto (in Scorpio) and is copresent with Venus. This combination on its own doesn't mean anything. But when you add context, with Scorpio as the lens, it has a sinister effect where those you're hanging out with casually for work are also people who have issues. Since he has a Mars that hovers between the 6th and 7th houses in the 'Venusian' decan of Aquarius, imo, it spells out work place misogyny that forms not only camaraderie, but due to Scorpio hiding things in the general 3H of 'early childhood development' is..1+1=2. Meaning.. sharing a hobby (3H) of underage girls being tossed between temporary coworkers or it just being something they all have in common separately.

Mars in the 7H can play out as antagonism towards women in the charts of terrible men. Usually has something to do with the mother. Drake has a 12H Cancer Moon (11H in placidus) which forms watery trines to his whole sign 8th and 4th houses. Water houses hold memory (water--it's absorbent nature) and can link to trauma because they play a role in the emotional parts of us we keep private and are processing or unaware of. In the charts of abusive people, water, imo, plays out as following the rhythmic cycles of trauma because they're motivated by deeply felt (water gets into things) emotional spite. And trines and sextiles allow for it to flow unimpeded. Since those are supportive aspects, it means that the behavior is aided and encouraged. Its occurrence in water houses gives me a visual of it happening, like rivers and motes below things, beneath larger systems or served as connective wave lengths between people like bodily tissue.

The Moon and Jupiter are also in domicile (in their respective homes) in Cancer and Pisces, so this behavior was downright encouraged and he was very at home doing it (could be literal). And they're forming the belly of their grand water trine to his Scorpio Venus. The middle decan of Scorpio is associated with the 6 of Cups and the 6oC relates to childhood or nostalgia in many tarot card pulls. It's what we're holding onto which we're afraid to let go of. You're following me here. In the middle decan between two cards that are associated with not having enough of something or too overwhelmed by choices (5 and 7 of cups), the 6 is where we're happy with what we have and can happily indulge. When you combine this with all of the 'positive' neutral astrological elements discussed, Drake, flat out, has 0 remorse, never thought it was a problem, and knew he could get away with his behavior safely and uninterrupted... until now.

However, as per my last 2 audios about the Drake/Kendrick beef on my Patreon, all of that Scorpio, IMO can lead to paranoia. And in the 4H, unless you are absolutely convinced nothing is out to get you, you will tend to be living like a wild person muttering to themselves off their meds in their house unless you transmute that control issue into something (that isn't a person).

I feel as if he chose to quell that, partially, in ruthlessly controlling and grooming the most unprotected and exploited group of people. Young girls.

[liquorishblack]

Inside the twisted mind of Hisoka Morow (part 1)

Part 1 , Part 2

Synopsis: Psychoanalysis about Hisoka, concerning his past and who he is today.

TW: Mentions of abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, mental disorders

Wordcount: 561

➽───────────────❥

So, I have a bachelor degree in psychology and today I work in the forensic field. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that nearly every perpetrator was once a victim.

I´ve seen many on this platform wondering what a relationship with Hisoka would look like… and honestly, since he´s quite a complex and interesting character, I wrapped my head around this question as well. But I quickly came to the conclusion that if you want to make assumptions about how Hisoka would behave in certain situations regarding relationships, it is necessary to understand his psyche and therefore we should have at least a little glimpse at his past (Part 1) before we come to the relationship headcanon (Part2). 

So, shall we?

For the following I´ll go with the theory that Hisoka isn´t a psychopath at all (for a bunch of reasons but the whole discussion whether he is in fact a psychopath or not would fill a whole page for itself, so I won´t dwell on this subject today). But this much shall be said: While psychopathy is a neurological dysfunction (which means psychopaths are born that way), what society calls "sociopathy" usually arises from trauma, which I find much more likely in his case. So, Hisoka might not be a psychopath but do we find him on the spectrum of antisocial personality disorder? Hell yes! He is arrogant, self serving, only fights for himself, shows lack of empathy, views other human being as „toys“ and has no sense of remorse or whatsoever. But if he´s not a psychopath, why is that? At a certain point in his past he must have learned that people aren´t trustworthy and that he can´t rely on them. Very likely this is because he was let down, or worse, even endangered, by the people who were supposed to protect him; his primary caregivers. For this reason Hisoka stands for himself, trusts no one and is a lone wolf at heart as an adult. This theory is also supported by the fact that he seems very touch starved and even tries to get along with people occasionally, almost as if he longs for closeness and affiliation, until his own psychology torpedos his newly built and therefore still fragile relationships, because the desire of self-preservation is superior to that of belonging. So he pushes others purposely away, to not take the risk of any emotional damage. Also, the fact that at a certain point Hisoka apparently linked affection with physical violence, pain, and even fear of death suggests that the only form of attention he received in his childhood and adolescence were in fact beatings. These early childhood experiences are likely to have been accompanied by a strong and constant sense of lack of control. The only way to gain back control in such situations from which you can´t escape as a defenseless child is to master your own psychology, ergo: burry your emotions, swallow your pain, so it won´t break you. As for today, Hisokas strive to control break others is pretty obviously an overcompensation for his lack of control at the time. Speaking of emotion: I’m pretty sure that Hisoka has emotions, even complex ones, but can only sense them in a pretty aloof way, because the terrible experiences from his past forced him to suppress them and shut himself off from them over many many years, so he has simply forgotten how to feel. This is accompanied by a consuming feeling of emptiness, which is why people who fall under the spectrum of ASPD need strong stimuli to fill the void caused by lack of strong emotion. They often tend to recklessness and take great risks, not infrequently even risking their own death, just as Hisoka does when he challenges strong opponents to battle. His sense of grandeur and superiority I view as another coping strategy. I´m sure that under his nacissistic mask lies just another insecure and deeply intimidated child, so deeply buried that Hisoka might have forgotten about it himself.

Thank you so much for reading.🤍🖤

Part 2

[whenyoucallmelover]

everything i read this month! ✷

august flew by as it seemingly always does, but i still managed to read a decent amount! no smut recs this month…sorry to all of you naughty lil readers hehe, i just didn’t really read much smut this month for once.

(just a lil heads up~ i read a few fics this month that contained some scenes/discussions that may be upsetting to some. i find a lot of catharsis in writing + reading stories that i can see myself in, but i know it’s more triggering than therapeutic for some people! so please, as always, read the author’s tags & warnings!)

✷ under 10k words.

🍎 Ice, Ice, Baby, @beelou (1.1k) tags; tooth-rotting fluff, figure skater harry, pining, no smut

🍎 Hold On Tighter, @hellolovers13 (1.4k) tags; no romantic relationship, coming out, trans harry, angst and feels

🍎 A Beacon of Hope, @justanotherghostblr (2k) tags; girl direction, non-traditional a/b/o dynamics, insecurity, nesting, alpha/alpha

🍎 The Elf Who Saved Christmas, @ladyaj-13 (2k) tags; meet cute, christmas, mall elf harry, sweet big brother louis, fluff

🍎 listen to me, butterfly, wherewestood (2k) tags; a/b/o, alpha louis, omega harry, nesting, emotional hurt/comfort, established relationship

🍎 Take the Moment and Taste It, @hellolovers13 (4k) tags; strangers to lovers, first date, footballer louis, singer harry, fluff and smut, cheeky harry

🍎 Running Over Thoughts That Make My Feet Hurt, @enchantedlandcoffee (5k) tags; a/b/o, baker harry, little league coach louis, dad harry, omega drop, confessions, kid fic

🍎 The Scent Of Grapefruit, @red-pandaaa (5k) tags; fluff, no smut, demisexuality, coming out, established relationship, lots of cuddles

🍎 Sex Drunk Suckerpunch, @thinlinez/@gaygodlou (7k) tags; reverse sugar baby, sugar daddy harry, sugar baby louis, but! harry is louis’ baby, escort louis, fluff and smut, stubbornness, banter and humor, tw: brief mentions of death, age gap (25 & 39)

🍎 Your Secret's Safe With Me, @lightwoodsmagic (7k) tags; online friendship, secret identity, prince harry, friends to lovers, first kiss, fluff

🍎 In Shining Armour of Trackie and Trainers, @ladyaj-13 (9k) tags; bad dates, strangers to lovers, famous louis/non famous harry, fan harry, protective louis, tw: non-con elements (read end notes for more info!)

✷ over 10k words.

🍎 Been Here All Along, @bravetemptation (10k) tags; college/university, american football, mascot harry, first kisses, mutual pining, quiet harry, jock louis, secret identity (...? kinda?), tw: panic attacks *absolutely adored this one! i found this to be a great representation of what social anxiety feels like to me and i really appreciated it! x

🍎 It's A Start, Anonymous (10k) tags; neighbors, angst and fluff, first meetings, hate to love (ok, hate is a strong word…annoyed neighbor-to-lovers?), protective louis, hurt/comfort, tw: past abuse

🍎 tread lightly on my ground, @lookslikefairytale (20k) tags; a/b/o, mpreg, miscommunication and misunderstandings, touch deprivation, omega drop, angst with a happy ending, mutual pining

🍎 (Gimme a Solution and) Watch Me Run With It, @lululawrence (21k) tags; famous harry/non famous louis, friends to lovers, sharing a bed, assistant louis, emotional hurt/comfort, lovely sweet caring louis, harry styles needs a hug, touring, tw: panic attacks

✷ multi-part.

🍎 Take me, Take Mine, @likelarryfics (54k, 5/5) tags; a/b/o, boudoir photoshoots, photographer louis, slow burn, healing and recovery, angst with a hopeful ending, tw: discussions of past abuse *favorite of the month <3 

🍎 Just a Flower Boy, Larryruinedme (70k, 15/15) tags; highschool au, popular louis, openly gay harry, jealous louis, secret admirer, first time, discovering sexuality, tw: mentions of homophobia *a classic fic that i just read for the first time…a lil late to the party; love a cheesy old fic tho!

don’t forget to leave a comment and kudos for the authors & reblog their fic posts! ･ﾟ*｡･